#i probably should just suck it up and start calling them care songs. even if people dont know what i mean to say that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

r3starttt · 5 months

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Ditto

a/n: part two of don’t delete the kisses! this whole story is based on me atp 🙁 I love new jeans and the song felt right so…

Prt.1 | Prt.3 | Prt.4

Warnings: mentions of suicide. very cliche and cheesy. fluff.

“I got nothing to lose. Stay in the middle. I like you a little”

If pain must come, may it come quickly.

Because I have a life to live, and I need

to live it in the best way possible.

If she has to make a choice, may she

make it now. Then I will either

wait for her or forget her.

You’d died some years ago, one day after your birthday to be specific. You’d left your family, friends and girlfriend with no previous warning, so suddenly that everyone that knew you broke into so many pieces when receiving the news.

Everyone felt so off, so confused. How could you be laughing with everyone just some hours before simply stop existing? Why didn’t you ask for help? How long had you planned the whole thing? How did all of this even work?

It was no surprise to anyone that you weren’t the most healthiest girl, but how did nobody ever notice that you weren’t good that day?

Your parents couldn’t stop blaming themselves, the rest of your family could not stop crying for months after you left, your friends couldn’t deal with school knowing you wouldn’t be there and your girlfriend, she felt so sick. She felt like maybe she should also try, just to be with you. She felt physically weak at your lost.

And if it wasn’t for the letters you left before doing what you did, if it wasn’t for your parents and their love for you, if it wasn’t for your girlfriend and the respect she’d always had for you. She would’ve probably done it.

“Mom, dad. I love you both with my entire heart. Words cannot describe it.

And I’m so sorry I left.

I have one las thing to ask you, please take care of Ellie.

Please be nice with my friends and take care of them like I did.

Please support on Ellie and let her support on you.

Please forgive me. I promise we’ll meet again.

Tons of love, your daughter.”

Those were the last phrases written on the letters you’d left for your parents. You’d planned everything for so long. And yes it sucked that you left but for you it was the best. You died so peacefully and made sure everyone knew.

You made sure everyone would move on.

And so they did.

And so you did.

You were born again. This time it was a pretty normal life, just you and your mom, some friends from school and that was it. But the more you grew up the more things started to get more complicated.

You’d had the most beautiful dreams about a freckled girl whose name was El, she had the most pretty smile you’d ever seen. And those dreams were so continuous, you’d have them every day. There were many pieces left but the general context was there, and honestly you felt like it wasn’t necessary, it all felt just too familiar.

You’d find out that El was actually Ellie, she loved dogs until one bit her and she never ever wanted to get a pet, until you got cats so she begged her dad to get her one. Everyone called you Mel so you just assumed that was your name. And Ellie was definitely your best friend.

But those dreams became nightmares, or at least that’s the feeling you got whenever you woke up. Ellie was always there, but you felt sad, you felt empty and annoyed all the time. And it felt so real.

You’d cry in your sleep and your mom would always come to your room to wake you up, but you never explained to her what was it. You had the feeling you shouldn’t tell her.

And it all made sense the moment you turned eleven. They weren’t dreams or nightmares, just your past life. And it made you feel sick because of everything that had happened.

It wasn’t your only memory, not even your only life. But that’s the one that came first to your mind.

And how could you just ignore it all when it felt incomplete? When you still remembered every detail of it and when you remembered all the promises you made to Ellie but couldn’t accomplish?

You had the same taste as her, same interests too, so your plan was to get to college with her, graduate together and then travel around the world together. Become rich together, have lots of cats and if you’d convince her, make a family.

But the heart is way more powerful than the mind, and it all stayed like that, like a dream some teens in love made one day.

From that age on your life had changed completely. Good grades without trying, thanks to all the previous knowledge, smarter than the rest of your classmates and more mature of course.

You did anything to search for Ellie, to understand why was she so important. Turns out she was the privileged one in this life, or that’s what it looked like since she’d go to the most prestigious schools. Roles this time were kinda inverted, or maybe it was just a coincidence.

There was nothing you could do to find her, at least not at that age. She lived far from you and attended to schools you could never afford.

So the only thing you could do was live your life as a normal person, grow up and find a way to get close to her.

And that’s what you did. You forgot she existed during most college, you were stresses and doing homework or studying all the time. Working on projects, doing exams.

You just didn’t had time to think on anything else. But it was worth it because that allowed you to get your dream job, and eventually your dream life.

“God, baby, I’m gonna miss you so much” your mom opened her arms, waiting for you to hug her. You practically run to her, she smelled so good, and she was always warm, how comfortable, how comforting “you’re sure you don’t want my help with building stuff?” right, you’d just moved to a not so small apartment.

“I promise mom, I’ll find a way to make it work” she kissed your forehead gently, laughing at the lipstick mark left on it “I’ll clean it, don’t worry” you stopped her hands before she’d try to clean it with her saliva “I hope you learn to value your mother once you see how hard it’s to be an adult”

“Oh stop the drama! you know I love you” now you were the one hugging her, tightly as if it was the last time you’d do it “Call me if you need anything, you know time never matters Mhm?” you nodded.

The moment your mom left and you closed the door you took a deep breath, because maybe you should’ve said yes.

There were at least 10 boxes displayed in the whole apartment. You didn’t even know what it was. The bed was already there, so was the couch and a huge tv, what else did you need and why had you bought so many things for the apartment?

“Fuck me”

You had a big body yes, but not strong at all. And yes you were smart, but not enough to understand the fucking instructions that came with everything you had to build for probably the next whole week.

It was late at night already, probably around 10pm, and so far you’d only managed to build your desk. You were currently sitting on the cold wooden floor as you ate some shitty ramen you’d bought thinking it would taste amazing. It didn’t and was stupidly spicy.

Your fingers were moving all over your phone, scrolling trough Pinterest and then trough Instagram and changing the same two apps over and over again until you finished eating.

All your lights were off but the light coming from the outside thanks to the huge windows was more than enough to illuminate the whole place. There was a small balcony right in front of the windows so you went outside, taking advantage of every place of the building since it costs almost too much for what it offers.

So you stay outside, resting your arms on the railing as you kept on scrolling through the same apps, looking for more inspiration for the apartment. Until you realize what you’d have to deal for the rest of your stance there.

A guitar being played coming from the apartment right next to yours. You sigh in annoyance because whoever is playing is not even good at it an you’ll probably have to listen to the same song until they learn how to play it.

“She wanted a band…” Ellie, your girlfriend, your best friend, the girl you broke her heart once, she wanted to become a singer, until you, her best friend, the girl she liked so much, told her how much she sucked at it. So stubbornly she quit and told everyone how it was your fault.

A sigh escaped out of your mouth, was it worth the try? would Ellie even fall for you again? was she even single? was she even your Ellie?

You’re so stupid.

The loud buzzing accompanied with a not so relaxing song wakes you up. 8 am in the morning, too early for a day of doing nothing-well, making your apartment look pretty.

You turn off the alarm and stare at the ceiling in pure silence for probably the next ten minutes.

It has been a week since you’d arrived the building. At this point you were already getting used to someone playing the guitar at night, you’d even go outside to hear the progress.

Back to today’s day. It all goes as what has become your new normal. You’d had the most non healthy breakfast and then you’d start to put together a new piece of furniture.

Today it was the last day of it actually, the only thing left was a small shelf that wouldn’t take much time.

And that could only mean one thing, today was the day you had to finally take out all the thrash.

So once you finished you lazily walked trough the whole apartment. Picking and folding boxes, and panicking over the exaggerated amount of plastic that came with the wrapping of all the furniture you’d bought.

You put all together so you didn’t had to go in and out of the building more than once and went outside your apartment, walking towards the elevator and sighing in pure relief because it was thankfully empty.

But things can’t be perfect because the moment you placed everything on the floor to throw them separately in the huge trash containers in front of you, the plastic started to fly away due to the weather.

Fucking unnecessary air.

Before you actually panicked a hand grabbed the huge piece of bubbly plastic, extending her arm back to you “need any help?”

Blessed necessary air.

Maybe your face looked as shocked as you felt because the very gorgeous Ellie standing in front of you tilted her head slightly, probably confused.

“Uhh yeah, thanks” you noticed how she had a tattoo on her right arm, she was wearing a pair of black jeans, some dirty converse and a white tank top under a baby blue plaid shirt-Were you staring too much?

“You just moved in?” she put the plastic under her arms and threw a small plastic bag on one of the containers “Mhm, a week ago” she nodded, awkwardly “I thought I was loud”

“Not at all, well, it’s probably the apartments, they’re kinda sound proof or something” you placed the last box on the container, meeting her eyes. They’re just as pretty as you remember.

“Really? I’ve been hearing this guitar all week at night, I don’t think they’re good if that’s the case” your two walked towards the building again, a small awkward smile forming on her face.

“Yeah…. that’s me, I thought no one could hear me. Sorry”

That changes all, suddenly the guitar is not annoying at all, in fact, you’re waiting for listening to it every night.

“Don’t worry it’s fine just… never mind” and then there was pure silence between the two of you as you walked inside the building.

“I promise I won’t be so loud” she was playing with her fingers “It’s fine, really. Im used to it by now” there were som loosen hair strands covering her face, she was looking down, probably ashamed “It’s the only free time I have to practice, I’ll try to to it earlier”

The elevator opened, she extended her arm so you would go inside first

“Its your house, feel free to do whatever you want, it doesn’t bother me el”

Fuck

“You know my name?” she panicked, maybe it was someone she knew but didn’t remembered?

“Mhm?” Play dumb, it always work

“You said el, did I hear wrong?”

“Yeah, probably” you clicked to the floor where you both lived at, turning your head towards her “Is that your name then?”

“No, actually, it’s Ellie. Ellie Williams” she extended her hand to you, she’s so cute, you thought. You did the same, shaking hands as you told her your name.

“Is it okay if I call you El then?” please say yes “yeah, I don’t mind it”

The moment you got in your apartment you wanted to scream. She was even prettier than what you remembered.

Your head kept on repeating the small conversation you just had with her, over and over again.

You decided to go to her apartment next day. being new in the building has its advantages, like casually gift her some food to maybe apologize for how loud you’d been even though you weren’t, or to thank her for being such a nice neighbor today, or any reason that gives you the chance to see her again.

There it is, Ellie’s guitar, at its usual hour.

You had just finished cleaning all the dishes you used for dinner. Fucking adult life. And were laying on the couch, scrolling trough social media.

Until you hear her of course.

Discretely you stood up from the couch, walking with your bare foot to the big cristal door that leaded to the balcony and getting outside, just like you did when you just arrived.

Hands resting on the cold railing, head resting on your wrists and Ellie’s guitar playing right next to you. This time one of the windows were open, she’d done it on purpose, didn’t she felt ashamed for being so loud- or maybe you’re exaggerating every interaction with her and overthinking everything that’s related to her.

The doorbell rings three times. 10 am. Too early.

A loud groan escapes from her mouth and she covers herself with her gray hoodie. She freezes the moment she steps out of bed because there’s only a pair of sorts covering her legs. Who the fuck is looking for her?

Maybe it was a bad idea to stay later at night playing the guitar for the pretty girl living next to her. She’s freezing, sleepy and exaggerated tired.

Or maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea.

“Oh…. did I wake you up? I’m so sorry” because there you are, standing right outside her door “Do I look so bad?” she chuckled, rubbing her eyes “I’m really sorry I just…. I wanted to thank you for yesterday and also apologize in case I was loud”

You extended your hand to her, giving her a small plastic bag with some food in it “I’m going out later, sorry for being here so early-“ she took the bag from your hands, finally looking back at you “it’s fine, you didn’t had to, really”

Would it be okay If she asked for your number? Would it be okay if you asked for her number?

“I was wondering If I could get your number too? just in case…”

You weren’t even finishing your sentence when she was already grabbing her phone

Maybe it was gonna be easier than you thought.

Week 7 of living here. It was indeed easier than you thought.

However there still was this thing bothering you. What should you actually do?

Yes you’ve met her casually and yes the bond with her was forming naturally. But what’s with your past life thoughts?

Because those “dreams” and “nightmares” had came back. And it was painful, because you regretted the decision you’ve made, almost every day. And it felt wrong to feel guilt, but how could you not?

And all these thoughts were eating you alive because what if you loose her again, what if she looses you again? Could you maybe talk with her about this? Or maybe-

“You good?” a cup of tea is placed in front of you. she sits right next to you, placing her legs on top of the chair. you nod.

“You zone out a lot” her lips curve upwards, making her dorky smirk appear. you smile back “There’s always thoughts on my mind, sorry”

“I wanted to ask you something…. don’t laugh alright?” “Don’t act so shy then” she rolled her eyes

You took a sip from the tea she had just made, staring at her face and trying to read the expression on it. She wouldn’t say anything.

“You can totally say no and I’ll act like nothing happened but uhm… would you maybe like to…. I don’t know, go out or something?

“As in a date or as in friends?” of course you knew what she meant, you couldn’t confusing the laughter “Yeah el, I’d like to go out with you” she smiled, moving her hands around her neck. She was probably burning inside from the shame.

“Is this how you always act around girls?”

“I always get asked first”

“Oh sorry miss hot, sorry for wanting to be asked first too”

“So you wanted to…. Why didn’t you ask?”

Her hands practically slapped her face, she’s so dramatic.

“I don’t understand how didn’t notice. I couldn’t stop looking at your tattoo when we met”

“I just thought you liked it”

“I also stared at your lips”

Silence. Just the sound of you sipping the tea, purposely loud.

“Stop it”

The date had basically been going out to every place near the building.

Walking trough a small park as you ate ice cream, shopping together at many thrifting stores and finding out you’re both so different yet with the same taste.

Both changing the conversation topic whenever a cute dog or cat passed by. Talking about pets, she sharing with you how she feared dogs when she was younger because one day a dog bit her, you feeling your heart almost exploding because it reminded you of the old Ellie.

Lots of small fights over who’d pay for the food and eventually letting her pay for you. Ellie wanting to hold you but being to shy to do it until you decided to grab her hands and then she wouldn’t let you go.

“Tell me more about your childhood, how was it to be born rich?” hopefully it wasn’t as depressing as you’d experienced it on your past life.

You were holding hands, walking back to your apartment. It was night already, not too late though.

“Great actually, I didn’t had to put much effort growing up. School was a pain in the ass thought, my parents would pay me classes to study after school and when they knew what I wanted to study in college they almost fainted, they practically told me I wasn’t that smart” a chuckle came out of her mouth “But they were always there for me. I didn’t have many friends though, I’ve always been very shy and introverted. What about you?”

You were too focused on how pretty she looked. She noticed and just smiled at you.

Was it the right time to kiss you?

“My life’s normal, I only have my mom and I’ve never connected with people so I just had some school friends growing up, nothing too deep. I was smarter than the rest of my class so I could skip some school years”

“I thought you were my age” her lips pouted in confusion “so you asked me out without being sure of my age? What if I’m five years younger than you?”

“You were the one to accept” she let go of your hand, holding her arms on the air acting innocence “I’m just two years younger, don’t worry you’re not doing anything ilegal”

Your arm extended, holding her hand again. Both of you gettin inside the building and then walking to the elevator.

Maybe now it was the right time to kiss you?

Her lips pressed on yours. Both of you closed your eyes, you could feel the grip on your hand tightening softly.

Your bodies felt like they were made for each other. The way her hands were the perfect size for yours, the way her fingers intertwined with yours, the way her mouth touched yours so delicately and so perfect.

The way your hands were the perfect size to fit on the back of her neck. The way her hands were the perfect size to fit your cheeks.The way your noses touched trough the kiss.

How beautifully your hearts had the same beat. How your breathing was as steady as hers.

It was a weird feeling that both or your bodies experienced as soon as you kissed. So familiar, so warm, so comforting. A deep form of love that could be experienced all over the body. A love that felt so safe and addictive.

And you two were craving for more.

Ding

The elevator opened, making the both of you break the kiss, which didn’t even last much, but it felt eternal, it felt like the right thing on the right moment.

The way your bodies and faces changed after it spoke more than words could ever. She couldn’t stop staring at you, and you weren’t precisely trying to avoid her so you did the same.

The dizziness that the elevator itself cause on the body combined with the way you two felt was almost too much to take. It felt so overwhelming, and finally it was in a good way for your body.

To you it just felt like peace, like you’ve done the right thing. No more regret or remorse, no more fear or anxiety.

To her it felt like this was meant to happen, like a deja vu that came out of nowhere but was meant to appear. Like if this had a deeper meaning behind it and she had to discover what it was. Like all of this had a deeper purpose for her and her life.

Soulmates, she thought. But it couldn’t be, she didn’t believe in that.

Ding

The elevator opened again

“Do you mind staying with me?” you finally stop holding hands with her, just to look for your keys. But before you could get your hand in the pocket of your jeans she stopped you “Stay at mine, I wanna show you something” a dumb smile appeared on your face.

It wasn’t the first time you’d go to her apartment but you’ve never seen it properly, you’ve never been there at night either.

You had arrive to the building probably about three hours ago. It was currently 12 am, Friday.

You were on her balcony as she played the guitar. She only knew a couple of songs and wanted to show to you how she didn’t suck as much as you thought she did.

And you gladly accepted. You had the perfect view of her tattoo on full display as she played the guitar, you could hear her pretty voice as she sang and the light coming from the other buildings was just perfect.

Ellie on the other hand, she could see your pretty eyes shining at her sight, she could see the way your hair fit you just perfectly on your body. How there’s some strings of hair tucked behind your ears. How pretty you smile is as she sings.

And it might be exaggerated but she feels like you’re the one. Like you didn’t just move to this building for no reason, like she didn’t decided to take the trash out that day so randomly for no reason, like you didn’t just appeared in her life for no reason.

You couldn’t just be a small romance on her life and then leave. This couldn’t be temporary.

You made her feel so familiar, like she had known you for years. She decided to believe in destiny, she believed that maybe you two were just meant to find each other, like this was meant to be. And you were just fine with it.

“Do you believe in soulmates?” your voice came out low, almost like a whisper. Her head moved towards you, she hummed thinking about her answer “Or…. reincarnation”

That word made her feel shivers all over her body. An image showed on her head for just the blink of an eye, almost too fast to even notice.

She was laying on the bed with someone else besides her, same question being asked. It changed her response.

“Maybe” unconsciously she but her bottom lip, just staring at you “do you?” she saw you nod. Your eyes were looking straight to hers, and for the first time on her life she didn’t felt like looking away. She felt unexplainably comfortable with you.

“Don’t mind me being so weird but…. I already know you” she just laughed “I’m sure we’ve met before, somewhere else at a different time”

“Maybe it wasn’t the right place, or the right moment” so she agreed? “I feel the same but I don’t think I’ve seen you before though” would it be okay if you tell her the truth? Would she believe it?

“Why you think that is?” and unconscious sigh escaped your mouth “What?” “Everything” she chuckled, lowering the guitar to the floor.

“Maybe destiny wanted something different, but love always wins right?” no, it doesn’t “And maybe we ate too much and it’s too late so we’re wandering” she stood up, white socks stepping on the floor as she walked inside. She stood on the frame of the door, waiting for you to get in.

“Wanna watch a movie?” She closed the door and placed her guitar on a wall, her place somehow was so tidy.

It had a lot of things though, a bunch of furniture filled with comics, books and vinyls. Some figures that looked pretty expensive. You only recognized the spider man one.

She had a console near the huge tv placed in her living room, and a bunch of pillows alongside a small blanket on the couch.

“Why do you have so many pillows in here?” she was already turning the tv on, laying on the couch and patting besides her so you would sit there. And so you did.

“I take a lot of naps in here during the day and fall asleep after working, I don’t realize I’m sleepy until I can’t even stand up so I decided to bring this here”

How could she be so lazy? and why was it so hot of her to be lazy?

“So you take naps while you should be working?” she nodded “I’m guessing you’ve been doing it for years now, I can’t believe you still have the job”

She just shrugged, casually opening her arms along the couch. And who in this earth would deny to cuddling with her?

None of you realized but eventually both just felt asleep, hugging each other, embraced by the warm blanket she’d covered you both before playing the movie.

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rewrite-this-story · 6 months

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I know no one watches this show, and that's really unfortunate, but I have so many thoughts about Smash that I want to share, so you all get to either hear them or ignore this post entirely. I don't really care which.

First of all, Megan Hilty is an absolute queen!! I wish her name was more well known on Broadway because wow. Her voice is so powerful and I cry every time I hear her sing don't forget me. And I actually love ivy as a character with all my heart. She's beautiful and strong and so interesting. Yeah, she's flaws and human, but she tries so hard. I was so happy when she started getting the recognition she deserved in season 2. She makes mistakes, but then she gets back up every time. I also think she had incredible potential for directing and would have like to see that explored. She just deserved better in general.

I also don't like Karen at all. Not only is she kinda boring as a character, but she's not nearly as talented as everyone seems to think. Yeah, she's pretty and has a gorgeous voice, but she's really just a so-so actress and dancer. Her songs rarely make me feel anything like Ivy's do. At the end of season 1, I only cried during her version of don't forget me because I felt Ivy's frustration so deeply. Also, Karen is kinda rude and arrogant. Like, she has no clue how theater works but acts like everyone else is constantly out to get her just because they're asking her to do something differently. She can't remember her blocking and then complains that people don't like her. And she's so sensitive. No one can tease her or even comment anything that isn't 100% positive about her without her getting upset. Furthermore, Ivy's an interesting character who makes us really care about her because of how hard she tries and fails only to get back up again. Then, they throw in her past and emotional trauma and struggles with addiction. It's really hard not to care about and root for her. Why should I care about Karen? I liked hit list only because of Jimmy, Kyle, and even Anna. Karen didn't matter at all to me because she didn't really have to struggle or fight for anything. She was kinda just along for the ride.

Third thing, Derek sucks and is super problematic, but it was nice to see him stay to grow and improve. I would've liked to see where season 3 might've taken him. I do really like his relationship with Ivy because she calls him out on stuff, and he actually listens to her. It was dumb that he never saw how truly incredible an actress she was. They would have made a great team after she really became more sure of herself and he realized how awful he was. His obsession with Karen was really weird, but I like to imagine he probably got over it by the end of season 2.

Tom and Julia were interesting, but I was actually happy to see them split at the end of everything. She always kind of took advantage of him and it bothered me. He also deserved a real relationship story, but I'm not surprised he didn't get one since he was a gay character in 2012. His relationship with Kyle was kinda creepy and Kyle should've dated either Sam or that dancer we saw him flirting with earlier in the season. Either one of those would've been less uncomfortable. Him and Sam were also never really a good match. Plus, he did Sam kinda dirty in season 2. But yeah, he should've gotten a good relationship.

I do think Sam should've gotten the lead in hit list. He deserved it, Jimmy didn't. Jimmy did a good job, obviously, but he wasn't reliable and was really uncooperative. He could've just given feedback as a writer instead of being the lead actor. I get why they did it the way they did for the TV show, but realistically, it just didn't make sense.

Kyle's death was awful. I wish we saw more of him. I think his relationship and history with Jimmy was interesting, I think it should've been explorers more instead of Jimmy and Karen, who's relationship was kinda predictable and overused. It would've been nice to see him and Jimmy sing together sometime. I wish he sang a few more songs in general because he has a really cool sound.

Jimmy and Derek also could've had a really interesting relationship if it hadn't centered around Karen as much as it did. I think they could've really helped each other. Jimmy didn't take any bullshit and Derek didn't put up with any bullshit, so they could've kept each other in line. Derek also saw something in Jimmy that few people did and I think it would've been neat to see him become a bit of a mentor.

Finally, Derek and Tom had so much potential that was never explored. Their history and their future are so unclear, but I have so many questions.

So yeah, I really did enjoy the show. It's not the most incredible show ever made, but it was fun and interesting. It's a shame it only got two seasons. I kinda blame the marketing team since so few people know it ever existed.

#smash #nbc smash #jimmy collins #ivy lynn #karen cartwright #kyle bishop #tom levitt #jeremy jordan #megan hilty #andy mientus #christian borle #im sick of writing names #so that's it for the tags #i also doubt anyone's gonna see this anyways #i just finished my rewatch of smash and wanted to share my many many thoughts

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k1ng0fn0b0dy · 2 years

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would you be able to do a platonic thing with the cc's in which gn!reader is feeling down?

I have covid again so I'm doing this for my comfort

Also you never specified which cc's so I'm choosing Niki, Wilbur, Tommy, and Dream.

Niki Nihachu

Niki absoloutely hates seeing you upset

She's a very empathetic person so when you're sad, she's sad

She'll try to convince you to lie in bed with her to platonically cuddle away the bad emotions.

If you have to be productive even during those moments, Niki will prepare you tea and a snack to make you feel better

And if she's not able to comfort you physically she'll send you a bunch of adorable photos and videos of Zuko

So many audio clips of her voice saying the sweetest little pick-me-ups for you

Niki is never bothered because she likes being the friend you rely on

Wilbur Soot

Wilbur isn't the most physical of people so most of his comfort would be trying to make you laugh

Texting you as many truly awful among us jokes as he can

If you're like physically there, Wilbur'll set up popcorn and an emotional movie and start crying so that if you cry too, it won't be as embarrassing

Snacks. This man has a bunch of them and would definitely keep your favourite sweets in store if you just need a quick pick-me-up

For ranting, Wilbur isn't your best bet. Actually, he's probably your worst.

He doesn't do well with listening without offering advice so he should definitely be the last one you call, unless you do want advice. In which case, call him freely.

TommyInnit

Tommy has playlists he made for you if you were sad

Like if you needed to just vent it, it would be his angriest songs, but if you wanted to calm down then there would be a lot of lofi music, like from his streaming playlist

He isn't the best at comforting people but Tommy tries to be really physically affectionate because that's what helps him feel better

If you get headaches when upset you can bet money on him massaging your forehead and scalp for you to help

He feels down sometimes too but he always need to be around people to feel better so he kinda just assumes you do too

Tommy is a kind soul, even if he's not always the smartest

Dream WasTaken

Dream kinda needs to be told when you're upset because he's bad at social cues

Like if you're upset and don't tell him, he might not even notice unless it's really obvious

Taking this from one of my closest friends who does this for me, if you're like in a panic attack Dream'll instantly discord call you and just like talk you down. Discord stream playing minecraft to distract you

He's the type of person who gets really angry when he's upset, even if it's just to cover sadness, so if you're like him then he'll be really good at calming you down and taking your shit

Fully convinced this man would google tactics to comfort people tho because like I said, sucks at social cues and is even worse at comforting

Will put on your favourite movie, buy your favorite food, just spend a bunch of money making you feel better and won't let you repay a cent

Dream can and will be your platonic sugar daddy

{《☆》}

[I'm this close to ending it all, covid headaches make my preexisting headaches 1000× worse and I hate it all. I'm so bored. It's been like 2 days too but that is still so longgg]

[Also sorry Anon if this isn't who you wanted, hope it's alright though. Have a lovely day, eat food and hydrate. Take care of yourself and please for everyone's sake don't be like my brother. Wear a mask, even now. I love you all, bye bye!]

[L0v3, k1ng]

Taglist: @creatorofstars @hiwhatsupbruv

Masterlist

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bekkachaos · 11 months

Text

fuck it friday 🤘

oops it's absolutely not Friday anymore

tagged by so many beautiful people @prince-buck-diaz @monsterrae1 @heartbeatdiaz @spotsandsocks @alyxmastershipper @wildlife4life @elvensorceress @buddierights 🩷🩷

Not tagging anyone else because it's super late, but if anyone still wants to please tag me 😁

So I heard this song and got an idea for my angstfest fic in which Buck and Eddie both ended up down the worst possible paths in their lives, Eddie is living in LA, suspended from his job, his parents have taken Christopher back to Texas after a battle in the courts, and he's lost, standing on a bridge in the middle of the night looking out over the quiet, and he meets Buck, dirty and disheveled, more than likely living on the streets, and he's high, Eddie can see it in his eyes. It starts them down a winding path together that just might turn them around.

Have a little snippy snip below:

Eddie's fingers on the metal rail turned white. His teeth ground together so hard he should have been worried one or more might chip, but he wasn't.

There was only one thing on his mind, and that was how much he had failed. He failed himself, and Christopher. Eddie refused to believe that he was better off with his parents, and the fact that he hadn't been able to prove that to them, or the court, well, it just solidified his failure and it felt like cement sinking down through him.

Everything seemed to spiral after that. The underground fighting ring, getting suspended from his job at the fire department. And his parents wouldn't even let him speak to Christopher. Not yet, they kept saying. Let him get settled, we don't want to make this any harder. Call him when you've got your life back on track. You need to show him some stability.

He closed his eyes and sucked the biting air into his lungs, filling him with cold, fanning the fiery anger that consumed him and escaping back through his split lips in a heavy cloud.

"You know most people think your breath doesn't do that until below freezing."

Eddie flinched, turning back to see a tall man approaching slowly from behind, hands shoved into his front pockets and eyeing him with a tilt of his head.

"Excuse me?" was all he managed in reply.

"When you can see your breath in the air, doesn't have to be freezing, hell, only needs to get to about 45," he said, making an o with his lips until his condensated breath came out in a long thin line.

Eddie eyed him warily. He hadn't seen him when he arrived at the bridge, there's not much around save for a few derelict buildings and a foot path leading towards the overpass. On top of that, he could see the way his pupils were dilated, he was high on something, or maybe coming down.

"I'd say sorry, that I didn't mean to interrupt, but I guess I did," he said, keeping his distance from Eddie but not taking his eyes or his curious gaze from him.

Eddie just grunted back at him, not sure that he should turn his back on him. He could probably take him in a fight, as long as he doesn't have a knife, but he doesn't really want things to come to that. His knuckles were still cut and bruised from his fight earlier and his brow throbbed from the left hook he'd been too slow to dodge.

"Want to tell me what you're doing out here?" the stranger asked, and this time Eddie really didn't care what happened next, so he turned his attention back to the black over the bridge.

"Could ask you the same thing. You always sneak up on people? Start conversations about the air, how cold it is?" he said roughly.

"Only when they're holding as tightly to the bridge rail as you are."

Eddie let his teeth grind, letting his grip ease as some of the feeling came back to his knuckles, the ache of the pain now somewhat dulled.

"There," he said, turning back and folding his arms over his chest defensively. "Feel free to walk away now."

The man's lip turned up in a smile, and for the first time since he'd appeared, Eddie felt himself lower his guard.

It wasn't menacing or snide. It was somehow a thing of warmth in the coldness of the dark.

#fuck it friday #buddie #eddie diaz #evan buckley #angst fic #911 #buddie wip #bekka writes

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gtunesmiff · 4 months

Text

What is the single biggest mistake writers make?

They're ants when they should be spiders.

Let me explain... Here's how most people approach writing a song:

They write on a section;

Once they're happy with it, they move on to the next one;

They continue in this way until all sections are written

I call this the "ant approach", because it follows a clear path from A to B. You start somewhere, and you finish one thing after the other until you end up somewhere.

t seems plausible. We like clear-cut processes like this. There's something soothing in formulas like this.

Here's the problem: this process doesn't work

(or at least it makes your life a lot harder than it needs to be)

Why? Let me explain it from the lyrics perspective (most writers have an easier time seeing the issue here).

For decades, here's how I used to write my lyrics:

Verse I: I got this! Man, some of these lines sound so cool!

Pre-Chorus: Starting to run out of ideas here... I guess I'll have to lower my standards somewhat.

Chorus: Right, chorus time. Time for a summary of everything I already wrote... well, if I'm honest, I don't quite know what it means myself...

Verse II: Ugh, I hate this! Why does lyric writing have to be so hard? What haven't I said yet? And what else rhymes with "broken"? I wonder what ChatGPT would make of this.

Chorus: Gosh, this makes even less sense now, but I'm so used to this chorus that I don't want to change it anymore.

Bridge: Maybe I'll just do a "who-oh" type section or repeat the same phrase over and over.

Chorus: Please don't ask me what my song is about, because it has so many layers that even I don't know (and honestly, maybe it's about nothing).

Recognizable?

Well, this happens in music, too, it's just that most writers don't recognize it there (probably because they don't know it any other way).

What's the alternative?

I present: The Spider process.

Consider the spider web:

We don't care where the spider began crafting it.

We don't care that it didn't look like a web for the first few hours.

We don't even care that the spider had to undo some of its work.

All that matters is that all the right connections were made at some point during the process and that the spider ended up with a great, working web.

The Spider Process doesn't work from A to B like the ant, it starts with a rough version and iterates on it over many drafts.

(And if you're not slapping your forehead yelling "of course!" right now, let me elaborate because this makes a MASSIVE, MASSIVE difference.)

Instead of fabricating your song as you go (which makes it easy to lose focus, lyrically and musically), you start with a rough draft.

Your goal is NOT to write and finish a section - it's to write the ENTIRE song, and quickly.

And if you think your song's not going to be good at that point: You're right! Your first draft is going to suck!

But that's the beauty of it: You can write something that sucks! And you know how to make something terrible better.

Think about it, what's more fun, what's easier: writing perfectionism... or making something bad a little better?

The Ant Process sets you up for failure because every single thing you write needs to be great. You don't move on until your section (your line, your sound) is perfect.

The Spider Process on the other hand sets you up for success because with your first draft, you're not trying to change the world. You're just trying to write something. You're having fun, you're fooling around.

The quality comes from rewriting your draft and iterating on your ideas. You're approaching perfection step by step instead of having to write something perfect right off the bat!

So when I write lyrics now, I don't write them from start to finish and line by line, I write a few words here, a few words there. A little for the verse, a little for the chorus, get an idea for the pre-chorus, then jump to the bridge, and so on... that's how a spider works: little by little, weaving that web, until it all comes together.

Here's another way to look at it that might help:

Don't think of your song as a blank page or a void where you have to create everything from scratch. Not only is it unhelpful, it's also not true.

Instead, think of writing as shaping a statue out of a giant block of marble. As Michelangelo said: “The sculpture is already complete within the marble block before I start my work. It is already there, I just have to chisel away the superfluous material.”

Fun fact: the word decide comes from latin "decidere", literally "to cut off". By writing down a line, by recording a riff, by picking a chord progression, you're getting rid of everything your song is NOT. You're cutting off your options. You're not "creating", you're deciding what your song is.

This is one of several basic principles that have shaped the process I use now, what I call the 24-Hour Song. I wrote my last album of 15 songs in 14 days (6 hour days), and it's the best music I've ever written. I wouldn't have been able to do that a few years ago (it used to take me MONTHS to finish a song).

If you want to be able to do this, too (maybe you're a dad like me or you have a full time job on the side), keep reading my emails. I'll show you how you can write your best songs at record speed, too.

Stay gefährlich,

Friedemann

Holistic Songwriting

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wiltedkyinn · 1 year

Text

blunts and parks

synopsis; you went to phoneix, arizona for your fifeteen brithday trip. being blown off by your so called bestfriend opens now doors and new friends.

pairing- madeline mcgraw, mason thames and miguel cazarez mora x gn reader.

____

here i am, currently waiting for my bestfriend, junior, to meet me at the park. it feels as if its 113 degrees but it was only 94 with no wind and straight sun. it probably wasnt the best idea to go phoneix in the middle of the summer. i look out to see if he is atleast at the park. instead of seeing him i see a group of 3 of familier faces walking around. its was 2 boys around the same height and a girl that looked no younger then 14. the buzzing from my phone snapped me out of my thought. i answered it already knowing a who would be on the other line.

"yo im staying with valerie for the rest of the day" i could hear a girls voice in the background talking about money to go somewhere. "what was the point of bringing you on my brithday trip" i mumbled. "we can hang out later. i gotta go." his usally loud voice was smaller. then there was slinence. groaning i look around again, im on the swings covered with some shade i found. i find the small group by the tables near me, their backs facing me. i started to rummage in my jackets pocket, knowing what to do to make me feel better.

pulling out the small tube i always carry around along with my lighter and airpods. putting in my right airpod and turning on whatever playlist that i was listening to last started to play. thinking about the group again before popping open the top. i slowly started to get up from the swings, i headed my way towards the small tables. the closer i got the more i was able to hear the voices. it started to mush with the song i was listening to. "sorry but do yall care if i light this? its a blunt" my voice a little raspy due to not having any water on me.

the trio looked at me then back at eachother before the girls nods speaking, "yeah we dont have a problem with it." giving them a small smile "thanks," i walked back to the swings. thinking about the group again, i had forgetton my glasses while packing so it was hard to see even if i was up close. i couldnt quite make it out but they looked familiar. the girl, who i mostly looked at reminded me of the actress Madeline mcgraw, the girl who played gwen in the black phone movie.

pushing whatever i was thinking about to the side so i could focus on the cone shape pre-roll. igniting the red lighter, i rotated the joint in the fire. i brought it up to my lips and took a hit. inhaling and then exhaling. i focused on the song that just started playing, pink + white by frank ocean. i started to inhale again only to be stopped seeing a shadow figure walking up to me. i grabbed my phone and turned it down a little, loooking up i was met with the same girl from before. "hi im maddy and me and my friends were wondering if you would like to join us? the suns getting a lil stronger." she pointed towards the table she was sitting at. "oh uh sure, and im (name)" as soon as i got up to stand i realized how hot it actually was, the heat was overwhelming. "should i put this out or do you guys wanna smoke it with me?" i asked as we both got closer to the park table. "if you teach us how, sure!" her smooth voice stayed upbeat.

i took the free seat next to the tan boy with long dark wavy hair. "mason, miguel this is (name), (name) this is mason and miguel." suddenly it snapped, they were the actors from the black phone. the 2 boys said lil hi's. i took another big hit, then tapping it so the ash falls off. i look at mason, since he was on my left infront of me. "well mason do you wanna hit this?" he thought about it for a moment then nodded his head.

"so how do i do this?" his brown eyes looked at me for help. "so you just suck on it till you get enough smoke and then you take another breathe to actually inhale it." i tried repeating what my older brother taught me a while back. seeing succesfull as he exhaled a cloud while coughing. he handed it to maddy while still trying to catch his breath. holding back my luaghter i remembered the first time i smoked. i look over at maddy and she seemed pretty hesitant, "its okay if you dont wanna," i told her she looked at me then at her hands. she brought it up to her lips and took a breath. she exhaled same as mason except she was able to control her breathing a bit better. she passed to miguel, and when he exhaled he was fine. i figured maddy and miguel did better since they were in some type of sport or exercise.

when i was passed the blunt they stared at me. i took a hit normally and exhaled normally. i started to feel a wash of an euphoric state take over me. i could already tell mason was high. his eyes were red and glossy. i hinted at him to take it but he nodded his head side to side. i did the same with maddy and she took it. "so are you from here?" miguel asked. "nah im here cause its my brithday trip. but im from las vegas," maddy raised her brow "why are you alone on your brithday trip?"

i was handed the joint again, "me and my friend, junior were supposed to hang out today but he bailed on me to stay with his girlfriend." shrugging while i spoke. "thats a dick move." mason snipped quickly. i agrred with him, i did pay for juniors ticket and hotel room. we stayed like that for a while. luaghing and coughing. "(name)!" our peaceful moment interrupted by a forgien voice.

i looked behind me to see a girl with curly brown skin and deep brown skin. valerie, juniors girl. i never officially met her, as she and junior were long distance. "valerie? what are you doing here?" as i got up to hug her. while i didnt know her face to face we have talked one in a while. "junior said we were meeting here today to hang out with you." her voice held some confusion while my head wasnt even processing. "he told me that he was hanging out with you for the rest of the day. you were there when he called me?" i became genuinely confused.

"i havent even seen him today, so hes spending a dat with someone he lied about being his girlfriend?" her voice was hurt while her face was stotic. "oh-" "i cant beilieve he's putting me through this agian" her usal confident voice gone, becoming bitter more as she spoke. she pulled out her phone and calling who i would imagine was junior. she stromed off into her car for some privacy.

"what the hell" i looked back at the intoxicated teens next to me and they laughed, i shrugged it off. "how old are you turning (name)?" mason asked his eyes werent red anymore, but still glossy. "fifteen" miguel turned his head towards me with a semi-shooked face. "i thought your were like eighteen, you look so much older" the other two nodding their head in agreement. my phone started to buzz again. answering it automatically i was greeted with junior yelling. "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING TELLING VALERIE THAT I WAS WITH ANOTHER GIRL?"

"its your own fault for using me as an excuse junior, plus its on you for cheating." he began to yell again but i didnt see the point of talking to him, so i hung up. "i should be leaving soon, it was nice meeting yall" giving them all a smile. "we should hang out again," maddy said. "here give me your number and ill send it to the boys" maddy extend her hand to me, her phone dail already open. swiftly putting my number in along with my name, i gave it back. "call me when yall wanna hang out" i gave a small wink and walked away.

#the black phone x reader #mason thames #miguel cazarez mora #madeleine mcgraw #maddy mcgraw #mason thames x you #mason x reader #miguel cora x reader #the black phone x you #platonic #fluff #x gender neutral reader #the black phone x gn reader

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10hourshift · 11 months

Text

Stupid/silly rant abt something that probably only I care abt xd

(god i spent so much time on this)

So, for the last two days I've tried to make a redesign of the shadow-magical-girl chica outfit

This one ⬆️⬆️

And it literally sucks so much* that it leaves me with no idea to redesign it without changing everything from it

*in regards of design according Ann's Character, not if the outfit in itself, that is actually really cute*

So I'm just going to point out some things that bother me and mention what I think it would work instead

The outfit as it is

Look, i know this might be a personal bias, BUT magical transformations should be fun!!The excuse of "it's magic, it can do whatever it wants" gives us the opportunity to make cute outfits and stuff!!

Look, the dress is cute, alright, but adding a little bit more of details can really seal the deal here, maybe a bow in there, or some chains if we are going w a more "edgy" design, or adding a few markings on the boots to make them less flat. (Look i know that the design also can not be overly complicated bc the model would be hell to animate, but this girl needs accessories!)

Look, if you added a few random things over the original design it would make it a little bit more interesting, you could call it a day, right? Well yes, but that's what takes me to my second point...

This design is nonsense!!

Look, magical transformations are usually based in a certain theme or idea surrounding the character. Here are some examples

So, with that in mind, what can get get from chica transformation? (That story wise is supposed to show her growth as a person bc it shows that she accepted "her shadows"*)

*what are the shadows anyway, opposite personalities, their biggest fears or just ~bad vibes~?)*

Well, nothing, being the look so basic, and even with the long hair, something that is uncharacteristic of chica, she doesn't look like herself (you can edit the eyes and say it's joy, and it would look more credible) and it's only a problem for Ann, because both Freed and Bonnie have transformations that show their characters

This one is more of a fusion of Freddy and Fred, with the school uniform for Freddy (being his most recognizable look), and the vest for Fred (i want to remember the outfit that Fred uses in the wolf in sheep clothing has a black vest, this one could be representing that but idk)

This one does a Great job, because shows a lot of Bonnie personality (his love for the guitar w the pick, the characteristic hairdo that he does when playing, even the outfit is more "rock" idk how to explain)

So, how did this happen?

Well it's really simple, Chica doesn't have any personality of her own, or things she's recognizable for.

Both Freddy and Bonnie have things that they are known for (Fred and the Yaoi guitarist), that are used in the transformation, Chicago on the other hand isn't recognized for anything else beyond being The Girl™ of the band, in that sense, the transformation does a nice job representing that.

But Chica is more than that

In the series we see different aspects of her, she likes having and supporting her friends, she likes sewing and making clothes, she's the last one to give up on anything, she started a band with the trouble kid, an apathetic dude, a micro niche celebrity and the strange new kid, and somehow she made it work! So there's really no excuse to have her as basic as that.*

Oh hey btw i did make a design for her, but as I said before its really different from the original, and then I realized it kinda looks like @cinnabundolly12 Design--- this one that is waay cooler than mine, so I gave up and made this strange rant

*to be completely fair, Chica has a lack of troubles or conflicts of her own, most of them are related to the whole group, she has a little self doubt one chapter and then sings her song and that's it, she's also very bland as a character xd*

I just put the drawing here bc i liked how the body came out and I will probably delete the file from my phone later

I based the design from here

And it just follows a star theme, i used that bass I found on Pinterest lol. Also I did try to implement some elements from the original but lol ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

#fnafhs #fhs #chica fnafhs #rant #im open to criticism btw. if you have something to say go ahead lol #i spent like 3 or 4 hours on this lol. im so bored #does anyone even read my tags?🫠#like para que fernan lo vea xd

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sakurachan7734 · 1 month

Text

Teenage rebellion

Chapter 8: just a teenage dirt bag

Jackson pov

It’s been about a month without Aristotle I just kind of want to break them out of there they said they fell a lot better but if I can’t I might just go around robbing people and probably kill them

A few hours later Jackson decides to go around into people’s houses and grab any expensive things it can find until it got caught in a apartment building

Jackson:* picks up a small silver chain* nice I can make a bracelet for Sarah

Haddie:* runs out with a metal pipe at Jackson* GET OUT!!!

Jackson:* grabs the pipe and starts hitting haddie* next time think before you act

Haddie:* trying to grab a knife* w-what do you want you monster?

Jackson:* slams the pipe against haddies head* to watch people suffer!

Jackson ripped all haddies teeth out before leaving and continuing to rob and kill people

Meanwhile with Lawrence and lanky hanging out in the living room listening to the radio

Lanky: this channel sucks

Lawrence: yea let me change it

Lawrence fiddles with the radio and then finds the news channel

News reporter on the radio: tonight the teeth grabber strikes again but in the town of coldwind three homes and their owners have been robbed and killed and had all there teeth ripped off

Lanky: you know I sometimes worry about what you are teaching the kids

Lawrence: I Know dear I know

Jackson:* walks into the house* I got 43 teeth!!

Lawrence: good job Jackson

Lanky: what do you plan on doing with so much teeth?

Jackson: crafts and jewelry!

Lanky: that’s nice sweetie

The next day with Zachary

Catalina: where do you think you’re going young man?

Zachary: to the park to practice guitar

Catalina; did you get all the chores i asked you to do done?

Zachary: yes I did grandma

Catalina: ok make sure to be back by tonight

Zachary: I know

Zachary grabs his guitar and headphones then walks to the park to a little isolated area near the water he didn’t want to admit it but he was working on learning Charlie, Jackson’s and Aristotles favorite songs and learning how to sing them he knows it may be cheesy but he doesn’t care he wanted to see them happy no matter what

Zachary pov

I am trying to play Charlies favorite song I couldn’t find the chords online so I am just listening to the song and ear guessing the chords and I can’t sing even to save my life so that’s why I went to the isolated area near the lake so nobody can hear my horse dying singing voice good thing I know Brazilian because Aristotle’s favorite song is in Brazilian(I could be wrong about this but the song is O sol e a Lua and I googled it said that the song was in Brazilian) and Jackson’s favorite song is a little complicated but I think I can do it

Zachary sat there on the lake dock practicing until he got a good percent of the song done and starts to walk home

Zachary pov

The night is warm and windy it’s nice to walk outside I should probably do it more often maybe bring Charlie since he needs to get outside more and maybe maybe Jackson because it rarely go outside

Zachary makes it home

Zoe: how was practice?

Zachary: it was fine

Zoe: nice oh by the way Jackson called

Zachary: what was it saying?

Zoe: asking if you want to come over because it wants to go murder people but it seems like it already did that

Zachary: ah ok

A week later with Charlie

Zero:* fixing Charlie’s arm* I have told you several times not to run around because you get your arms caught in trees and I have to waste my time

Charlie: sorry robot dad

Zero: Charlie the may we keep you inside because it’s dangerous out there and some people are after all of us

Charlie: why?

Zero: they claim that we are to dangerous for humanity

Charlie: even Abby?

Zero: yes if someone looks into her eyes they will become violent or have a heart attack

Charlie: so that’s why I can’t bring my human friend over?

Zero: mainly yes

Charlie: ok

Zero: there your arm is finished

Charlie: thanks dad

Zero: now if you want to go play outside you have to stay out of trees and anything that can get your arms and legs stuck in

Charlie: I know dad

A few hours later Charlie decides to go out to the abandoned town that he lives in and runs around the abandoned mall for a few hours

Jackson: hay Charlie

Charlie: how long were you here for?

Jackson: I just got here

Charlie: ok anyway get down here I have a question

Jackson: ok * jumps down* yes?

Charlie: how long have those wood pieces been on every window and door at your house there for?

Jackson: as long as I can remember my dads say it’s for my safety

Charlie: do they ever get replaced?

Jackson: every month or so because of the rot inducing goo

Charlie: yea that makes sense

Jackson and Charlie hang out for 2 hours

Jackson: well I have to go

Charlie: ok see you tomorrow

End of story

#scp foundation #scp #scp containment breach #scp fan child

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smokingtiger · 10 months

Note

I was wondering if you could tell me why u think Jimin solos and Jk solos hate each other so much and also hate Jk and Jimin? I mean I don’t get it. Jkks and kths seems to like each other and that is how it should be cuz their faves are besties but Jimin and Jk clearly love and adore each other too so why are their solos so against each other? How can u call someone ur fave yet you hate a member they clearly love? I just don’t get it.

For this one, I'm not sure if I could ever explain the logic of solo stans. A lot of these people are so deep into their own delusions that they don't really care about the facts at hand, nor do they want to. They just want to fester and thrive in their own fucked up reality because it validates them.

For me, I wonder if it makes them think that they're special or that if their favorite BTS member saw how hard they were fighting for them, they'd get preferential treatment or recognition for caring so deeply about them. A lot of these people often like to play into the company mistreatment card -- which don't get me wrong, I'm not a company stan, both HYBE and BigHit respectively have done and do mess up things on the regular -- but I think a lot of solos see the BTS members in some priority line when it comes to company favoritism.

So, for example, let's take an angry Jimin solo who noticed that BigHit has restocked the SEVEN CD after it initially sold out. To them, that's a personal attack on Like Crazy and its impact on the charts because BigHit, even after thousands of requests, has not restocked the Like Crazy CD for whatever reason. I get it, I don't think it's fair either. I think fans have every right to express their dissatisfaction with the disproportional allocation of company funds to supply certain merchandise. Obviously, there is a demand for Like Crazy CDs, so why isn't BigHit restocking them?

BigHit really sucks at restocking; any person who has used the dreaded WeVerse shop is also aware of this... waiting months for things to come back... but they never do...

Not excusing the company, by the way. This is a problem they struggle with. They could easily bank in a couple mil... but they won't... for whatever reason.

ANYWAYS, back to what I was trying to say: So, imagine a solo PJM just saw this, and the first thing they probably do is take out their frustrations on the corporate level. Then, when they're getting no answer and they see a repeat type of behavior from the company, they start to wonder: Why is this happening? The company seems to have no problem restocking or prioritizing Jungkook's song... so why is it suddenly a problem for Jimin? Why was Jimin denied music videos for all of his songs for cost when Jungkook shot on a literal movie set? Why does Jungkook get to promote SEVEN so freely when Jimin only got nine days of promotion? And, apart from the single, Jungkook is also getting his own album! Two promotional periods!

And instead of keeping these complaints at a corporate level, they start to turn towards the person supposedly receiving better treatment. They turn to Jungkook. It's HIS fault. He obviously craves the spotlight, so OF COURSE he'd want to sabotage Jimin. He's selfish and self-centered, he wants to copy and ride the success of Like Crazy -- see, even his concept photos are similar! They're giving him the exact same wardrobe pieces and brands!*

At this point, they've tunneled in. They've reached the point of no return. It doesn't matter if Jungkook showed up to support Jimin during his dance practices. It doesn't matter that Jimin hung out with Jungkook in New York. It doesn't matter that Jungkook raved over the entirety of FACE or supported Jimin's Suchwita episode (obviously, he's just doing it for views). It doesn't matter that Jimin posted a celebratory post for SEVEN. It doesn't matter that Jungkook knows all of the lyrics to Jimin's songs by heart.

It doesn't matter if they went out for a drink. It doesn't matter that Jungkook wants to link up with the other boy for a live.

None of it matters. Because it's all a coverup. It's just a shiny image manufactured by the company. Toxic shippers use this same type of logic towards Jungkook and Jimin all the time as well, and it's funny to see solos use the exact same rhetoric.

Jungkook and Jimin aren't close; it's the company that wants them to look that way. Jimin makes Jungkook uncomfortable. Jungkook is such a copycat. They don't talk outside of working hours. It's fanservice. Jimin has to mention Jungkook in every interview. Jungkook has a Jimin quota to fill on every live.

It's super easy to fall down a hate-filled rabbit hole when you already have a preconceived image of someone in your head. There is a massive misinformation campaign in this fandom, and a lot of the time, it's toxic solos and shippers at the wheel. A lot of them have bitter resentment or jealousy toward the people at hand, and they'll do whatever it takes to defame the person they hate most.

Worst part is, they think they're doing it out of love.

I love Jimin, so I'll protect him by asking BigHit to kick Jungkook out of BTS.

I think a lot of the drama between solo PJMs and solo JJKs is that they either think the company is purposely sabotaging the other at the request of the member, or that the company is manufacturing this image of friendliness when they actually hate one another irl. Both of which are... insane.

Either way, I think it's fucking crazy to have solos in this fandom that are that fucking hateful towards another member of BTS. The BTS members have talked about dealing with hate in the past, and I don't think your precious Jungkook or Jimin would be too happy to learn that you've been participating in a hate train against their friend...

*Also, I'm just parroting a lot of what's been said by solos. I don't necessarily agree with what a lot of them have to say. I have an entire post about the concept photos themselves.

#ask #bts #bts solo stans #jimin #jungkook #jikook #kookmin #pjms #jjks #please jimin and jungkook are so close #a lot of solos tend to be non-korean speakers too #if you spoke korean you'd prob think differently with the way they speak to one another #not saying koreans solos dont exist #i mean we just talked about headliner #crazy fucking bitch #girl hates every bts member including jungkook that's insane

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notablytrustableindividual · 11 months

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Band Rants #2 - Far Caspian

Sorry for the delay for the 0.63 people who care, the last week has been not great, and I've been barely holding on. As I write this, it is 2:53 am on a Saturday, and I'm drinking tap water out of a Nicholas Cage mug in the dark.

Anyways, back to music.

There were several bands in somewhat similar styles I almost wrote about instead. Slaughter Beach, Dog and their transformation from Midwest Emo to Indie Rock to Folk (The reverse Wilco, as I like to call it) or Peach Pit, who did something similar with an odd yet fun discography. In a more pop vein, I also considered Rotel Otis, who I started listening to when they were on the Fresh Finds playlist, and whose ability to pump out fun single after fun single confuses me to this day.

But instead I settled on Far Caspian, a band that is a bit harder to pin down. So what is Far Caspian, and why should you care about them?

First, Far Caspian is an Indie Rock/Pop Project led by Irish multi instrumentalist Joel Johnston, who has released 3 Eps, and a full length Album. Their first Ep, Between Days, cane out in 2018. The Heights followed in 2019, and their first full length Album, Ways To Get Out, dropped in 2021.

I am not mincing words when I say Far Caspian is some of the most relaxing, aesthetically pleasing music I've ever heard. Listening Between Days feels like lying on top of a ridge and staring out, relaxed. It's music that makes everything feel fine, even when it's not.

Of course, I will admit some bias in this. Far Caspian has been comfort music for me for years now. I used to sit in the library of my school during lunch, surrounded by ornate carved bookshelves and wearing a beat to shit pair of headphones, rushing through my 5th period AP Euro homework as Far Caspian played, keeping me from panicking even more. The example of me laying on a ridgeline isn't just metaphor either. I've done it before (I highly recommend it, it's very relaxing)

While the 2018 EP is mostly acoustic, 2019's The Heights branches out a bit. Some synth and piano show up, adding some variety to the instrumentals. Each song on The Heights also feels just that little bit more unique. Of course, I'm biased in this matter. The slightly faster guitar and simple drum line if Conversations lives rent free in my head.

(I can effortlessly sing along to it by the way, it's my second most played song of all time)

Yes, I'm aware this is a bit cursed.

Either way, the Heights contains some of the best sounding guitar lines I've ever heard. It's just unfathomably relaxing to me. Of course, the lyrics and drums are also pretty good. When talking lyrics, I would be stupid to not mention A Dream Of You. (You should listen)(please?)

This song is Far Caspian's most popular, and it earns it. The lyrics live rent free in my head, expressing longing for someone else's presence beautifully. The slow, calm guitars and passive drumline even have a little beat drop in the instrumental breakdown towards the end. It is probably one of my favorite beat drops ever. Even with its slow pace, the song has this way of sucking you in. I enjoy it quite a lot. The melody holds a special place in my heart.

In 2021, Far Caspian released their first full length Album, and it was quite a pivot. It's atmospheric and plodding. The music is still gorgeously composed, but there's a very prevalent sadness throughout. If you've listened to the previous songs I'd recommended listening to and enjoyed them, I can't guarantee you'll enjoy the album as well.

Of course, the album has its high points. For me, the most standout tracks were right at the start and end. House is by far one of the most complex songs Far Caspian has ever made. It starts out with a simpke guitar riff, and builds, until its soothing saxophone, combined with its other myriad instruments make the songs climax just transcendent for me.

Of course, they have one more Ep which came out a few days before I wrote all this. Its similar to the 2021 release in a lot of ways. That being said, the closer on the 4 song ep, Arbitrary Task, just sucks me into a trance. It's noisy, strumming guitars, combined with an omnipresent drum line, whittles at the senses a bit, until the comparative quiet of the bridge snaps you back to reality.

Of course, like every band, they also have a large catalouge of singles.

I'd recommend the alternate version of Conversations (Shocking, I know) and Holding On, which is thier first ever song.

Overall, Far Caspian is a band that can be both gentle, and calming, as well as rough andmelancholic. Whatever sound they have though, they are always heartfelt. They remind me of Turnover and Real Estate in a lot of ways. To quote someone else's review of Real Estate, "This is a band fotlr those who can chill to the max"

Between Days (2018) - 8.4/10

The Heights (2019) - 9.3/10

Ways to Get Out (2021) - 6.5/10

Pet Architect (2023) - 5.5/10

#indie music #my shitty reviews #god this week is going to kill me #their song Sun Room is also pretty good #indie pop #far caspian #Spotify

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mellow-worlds · 7 months

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The fact that T didn't mention me in his "diary" entry. The fact that he cancelled plans when nobody but me would show up. The fact that I thought he could be the one who liked me most. The fact that F never wants to do anything with us. The fact that D isn't here. The fact that G only ever talks to me because there's noone else. The fact that I lied to everybody. The fact that I lied to Snoopy. The fact that I'm so sad all the time. The fact that I'm not sad enough. I'm not sad enough. Maybe I should sh again.

The fact that none of my friends like me. I'm not close to any of them. I always keep it superficial. Idk what to do. I'm a little cold. At least I'v elost a little bit of weight. I started doing intermittent fasting. I'm scared of stagnating now. The fact that my friends won't like me more if I lose weight. Strangers might. But my friends will notice... That's worth the world. If I die, it's because my friends would notice. Is that too much? The fact that my frineds won't like me more after discovering that I'm in pain. The fact that my friends... I love my friends...... what to do? I'm kind of sad. Idk how to deal with the fact that no one likes me. I'm not dealing with it at all. I feel numb. I kind of accept it? Wish it were different... don't know how to change it. dont think I could.

The fact that I can't decide between being serious and respectable or being all sweet and like a child or literally just a girl. Idk what to do and how to behave. I suck. GOSH. GOSSSHHHH. The fact that I#m not sad enough. The fact that I'm not sad enough. This has probably been the worst week I've had in a long, long time and I'm not sad enough. Maybe I'll be sadder if I sh. That's no reason to do it. I feel like I've completely grown out of sh. I've hated these scars so much that I guess I really don't want any new ones. But...... I keep thinking that nobody ever sees my thighs anyway. Gosh I just want to be happy in front of my friends. I always feel numb deep down but at least I can fake it, then. I don't really fake it, thougj. I really don't fake it.

I hate fasting. I hate fasting in the evenigns. I won't stop. Maybe I'll shift my cycle. I wish I was dead. I want to lose more weight. Gosh I hate fasting. I really hate fasting. I HATE IT. I hate it in the evenings. The fact that I'll probably gain it all back... it's fine. this is not an ed. I'm eating a lot actually. I'm not even too hungry. this is not anorexia, i just fast. fasting is not anorexia. i#m not close to that at all. i want to die. i want to die. it'd be so nice. I just want to not wake up. I want to eat. priorities. gosh. im so sad. not sad enough ahhahahahahha see i can laugh. gosh. what am I doung. I wanted to watch a movie an hour ago. i shoudl do taht instead of whining. when the song's finished. alr. alr. im in pain. my throat.......

the fact that t didn't care to mention me. The fafct that I don't exist for other people. The fact that F has been messaging me a lot on ig. Doesn't mean anything but I get cocky enough to think that he likes me in at least some way. I want to die. F doesn't care for me. I dodn't deserve him anyway. song ended. nvm. not watching the movie yet. i want to die. NFWAJKNDFWJAKN THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO DO UNI WORK TOMORROW MAKES ME WANT TO DIE it#s not even a lot but it makes me so anxious. It makes me so anxious.... how will I pass even any exam..... ill get expelled from my course.......... im the stupidest bitch out there. i'm so fohcking stupid. i want to die. can't even fill out a simple paper.... ill do it tomorrow and I#ll be fine. ill be fine. ill be fine. i want to watch a movie but it's so late. makes me not want to watch it but watch 3 hours of yt in my bed instead. ISTG if i wake up after 3 hours of sleep again today I#ll kill someone. hopefully me. ok I'll go brush my teeth. maybe. when the song is done. I'll definitely go brush my teeth though. I've been watvhing so many Sims lps lately. by call me kevin. far too many. gosh I want to die. my throat hurts. I love the smiths. i really do. gosh. i should be locked up but i'm not sad enough for that. what should I do? ok song is over. now...

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artcalledtattoo · 1 year

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How Much

How much power is needed

Empty a vessel

Take all you need

Rape a vessel of energy

Bone us grabbers

You sleep well

Left out at clock out

How much is needed for Family

Thank a lower provider

The gifts are not from you

But what you take

Fake it to love ones

You did this

Money bonus love

New bank notes

Keeping it paid

As you decided

Just how much?

Is enough

My muscles growing

Because of you

My health

Better than you

And yet I have to look up

See you

In my playing field

As you decided

Just how much?

Is enough

My handlers

Living large in accounts & body

You dog you dodged

Watch those hearts of yours?

(minus) -

- Oxygen not getting to brain already seems stroked

- Clogged arteries feels like an attack to flow of things

- I use people for a bonus and don’t care if they work as two or three

- A life, they were probably fired and not left for dead

- I clock in and sit, phishing throw emails on an hourly clock

- It all manages itself

- A door knob, 2315 hours stand at a door to let workers have lunch

- Does always take two

- Manager holding hands managing together

- The bullshit

- 5:30 am clock out time like last year but not allowed to clocked out nor can one let themselves out

- Bending, your smile to my reaming, as you

- Continuing of the raping of personal time

- Tell that to spouse and kids

- Mm feels abused by all of you

- He (mm) provided bonus

- Where’s his fucking Thank You Card

- Last year no bonus or donut (K provided one, and I blessed him and thanked him, in my rung on a ladder

- Non higher ups

- Lost souls , dirt, cope, snakes & Faermance, natural parks & the demons all managerial materials

- Fuck them all, let God sort-’em out! In body the physical, the soul corrupted in bonus grappling (I Was A Warlord in Basic Training, the shit bounces back & later Art of War wince Guerrilla Marketing a community biz asso. gift by raffle, to rape pillage & destroy, woah like Trump, Putin now)n

- You have a nice ride, does you bitch suck she should be blowing me also & swallowing

- Most of US should have been digested for a better planet Earth

- We have readers digest

- Sweeter when I look into your eyes. You should have been big gulped!

- When I work and not in music or even life I’ll play tonight

- Tempo

How Much?

I just dropped a quarter

Call a friend

Fuck you, Prunts

I am your God

Should I make tonight, all feeling out of place, I never set placemats, fuck entertainment, like a slap. You go slave!

Set up to fail

But your black.............man

Lethal weapon ozone song

I’m a slave to their damned Souls

Conglomerates

Blackened Souls

How much?

You need from Me, alone thy self, all tied not swallowed experiencing living it’s all in an eduction, you always pulled over, not in my view but no ride on the West side, I wouldn’t know, I know a city, paid by Taxes

And a lot of sorry fucks voted in Trump, am I looking at you, and farming tax evaders; ohh you provide to community

What the fuck is your farm?

Audits could be made; all would land as crooks

Raping of America but fam got cool presents last year Christmas

I’m not fucking done yet, I spit just upon maneuvers in the managers up above •

That’s me in a symbol

Minus

Column

Let me squill about on days doubled hand holders, they so special can’t manage by themselves, two to unlock doors, fucking two with this and that, but can’t equal out workloads or manage to get US out on clock out, I’ve fucking have bitched about this before, add raping to a sign and me move at my tempo, you took so far this year 6 hours of my time, Martians, lows,

Sorry fucks, 2023, more Rated R words to come later on ya’ll, let the misses know, or jump to California or resign, your leadership in faces on a wall says to me

Takers

Rhymes with _ _ _ _ _ _

Hanging the UP, raped America of Taxes

Trump,

death raping lives in Ukraine

Putin,

Like up up above behind walls

Fucking over its own country and bouncing to start a side War with just Up Putin

Fuck all three

To Much like my Uppers

I work in a single building

Government nation and state fucted

Look at water pipes

And shut the.............

Conglomerate Business Major Player

Slow as tortious martian rhymes

I don’t know all Faces but know your types in my land on Earth 2.5 miles work and home Universe

Just too much!

I want to carve in ice a Wion Pulse playing!

Whining heart pulse but alive & breathing!

Could not post from notes and added hastags

Denied, all typings worthless, no post

So i above copied and pasted into Tumblr and now too pissed to add hashtags, like a (worknite ) must add later after birds and nicotine

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sunmoonandeddie · 3 years

Text

and he kissed me right here

pairing: modern!bucky barnes x reader

word count: 6,100

summary: I've always been sure that all I ever wanted was a glamorous life.

warnings: Cuss words, mentions of the Afghanistan war (Bucky is a veteran), angst, happy ending, cheesy romantic confessions, age gap

a/n: This is based on the song 'Stars and the Moon' from Songs for a New World! It's the first one shot in my musical series! This is written in first perspective, but there is no physical description or use of a name in this!

Twenty-Two

I sighed as I tossed a few more dirty plates into the dish window, wiping my brow. After a shitty dinner rush and an even shittier rush around two in the morning consisting only of drunk ass college kids looking for some sort of carb to suck up all the alcohol in their systems, I was ready to go the fuck home.

“Sweetheart, you head on home now,” the head chef insisted as he watched my head nod slightly as I tried my best to fight off sleep. “Ain’t nobody comin’ in before Melissa gets here. No point in you staying on your feet any longer.”

Louis was a godsend. At sixty-seven years old, you’d think he would rather be anywhere but a diner at almost four in the morning.

“Nah,” he had said when I’d asked him a few months after I’d first started. “My Ginny died a few years back, and since she’s been gone, I don’t really have the stomach to sit around that house all alone.” He had laughed, but there’d been a deep sorrow that had come over his deep brown eyes. “Kids are worried, but… Sleeping the day away is better than laying up at night staring at her side of the bed…”

“You sure, Lou?” I asked even as I headed for the back room where all the employees clocked in and kept their possessions in their own little cubbies. I did my checkout in view of the security camera, just like always. I didn’t want anyone to be able to say I stole anything.

Everyone who knew me knew that I wouldn’t, but I’d worked at two many places where the girls tried backstabbing each other and sabotaging everyone else to get them fired.

Though people were a lot nicer in Louisiana than any of the other places I’d lived.

Louis chuckled as he set a to-go box in the window, nodding towards it. “Mmhm. Long as Buck is getting you home safe.”

I gave him a joking eye roll as I took the to-go box gratefully, grinning at my name written in all caps with green Sharpie on top. “You know you don’t have to make me dinner every night.”

“Yes, I do,” he said, shooting me a look. “How else do I know you’re getting enough food in you, huh?” He pointed his rag at me. “Now you go ask him to get you home. Tell him I said he can clock out, and that he’s supposed to text me when he sees you safe inside. You better not say you’re gonna ask him again just to walk yourself home.” The old man shook his head as I headed for the back door, muttering to himself, “Damn girl thinks I’m gonna believe she’s feeding herself good enough when she’s risking her damn ass walking home alone.”

Despite the fact that I’d put off asking for Bucky Barnes’s service, I really did appreciate how fiercely Louis cared about me.

It had been a real long time since anyone had cared so much.

I hesitated at the back door of the diner, my hand resting against the cool metal.

What if he said no?

Granted, he most likely wouldn’t. But what if he said yes, and he secretly thought me some dumb little girl that couldn’t take care of herself?

What did I care if he thought that?

“I don’t care what he thinks of me,” I huffed as I straightened my shoulders, holding my chin a little higher.

“Stop talking to yourself and get going!”

I jumped in surprise, before shooting a glare in the direction of the kitchen. “Stop listening in on my private conversations!” I demanded before storming outside with new found vigor.

Only to freeze when Bucky looked up from where he was sitting on the curb, smoking a cigarette.

God, he was handsome.

“You okay, doll face?” He asked, his New York accent a sharp contrast to the southern drawls you were used to.

“Um… Y-Yeah,” I said faintly, glancing back at the door that I’d come in from. “Um… L-Louis wants me to ask you… Can you walk me home? Or give me a ride? I don’t… I don’t know if you drive…”

“I do drive.”

“O-Oh. Okay. Great.”

“But I don’t have my car on me.”

I peered at him curiously. “Oh. Um… I can just walk by myself. I don’t wanna… I don’t wanna be a nuisance…”

He stood up, tossing his cigarette to the ground and stomping it out. “Don’t be ridiculous, darlin.’ Come on. I’ll walk you.” He shoved his hands in his pockets as he began to head for the street. “Besides… It’s a real nice night.”

“Oh…,” I said in surprise at how ready he was to be of service. “Okay. But only if you’re sure.”

A faint smile graced his lips as he glanced at the ground, letting out a faint chuckle that rumbled deep in his chest. “I’m sure, darlin.’ But you gotta lead the way.”

I was surprised by the rapid pitter patter of my heart beat as we walked side by side down the street, the chorus of ‘Yellow Brick Road’ getting stuck in my head on a loop.

Bucky was an enigma that I found myself wondering about more often than not, but I always ended up talking myself out of going there. After all, he was an older man. A much older man. At least fifteen years older than my own twenty-two years, or something along those lines, not that he looked it. The man looked like some kind of rugged Greek god. Like Hades if Hades was born in the eighties. His dog tags clinked together under his shirt as we walked, his metal prosthetic glinting in the moon.

“So how did you end up in NOLA?”

It took me a moment to even realize that he was talking to me, my heart skipping a beat and my face going hot in embarrassment. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked.

His bright blue eyes flickered over to look me over. “How’d you end up in New Orleans?”

“I actually don’t know,” I snorted, avoiding his eyes as I kicked at a few broken up pieces of asphalt. “I just… Picked a bus ticket and ended up in one of the Carolinas. Then I picked another bus ticket and ended up in Minnesota. And then I picked another, and another, and another, and then I actually just… ended up here.” The months I’d spent alone on those Greyhounds felt both so long ago and also like it was just yesterday. “The diner was the first place someone recommended for food that’s good but cheap, and as I was eating my mountain of cheese fries, I saw the flyer that said they were hiring. So here I am now…”

“Huh,” he said, his brows furrowed. “I didn’t take you for the type of person to run off on your own… riding buses all over the country…”

Head tilting to the side, I gave him a long look. “You didn’t? What kind of type did you peg me for?”

Bucky gave me a long look, a single brow raised as though silently telling me that I jumped to conclusions. “Just that jumping from place to place can take a lot outta someone,” he said slowly, his voice low and soothing. “Hell, if you were my girl—” He broke off as his cheeks flushed a pretty shade of pink, his long hair falling in his face.

I swore my heart had stopped inside of my chest, and I swallowed thickly around the lump in my throat. “Oh?”

He rushed to try to correct his wording. “I-I just mean, a lady should be comfortable. And if I had a g-girl like you, well… You’d never want for anything,” he stammered, stumbling over his words like a flustered school boy. “Hell, I… I’d give you the stars and the moon…”

I was shocked into silence, staring up at him like he was the sun itself. “Bucky…”

“No, no, don’t say anything. I… I know that was a lot,” he insisted quietly, unable to meet your eyes as he stared up at the shitty apartment building you called home. “Hell, you probably don’t want a gross old man hitting on you.” His metal hand, glinting in the low light of the street lamp, reached up to brush against my cheek for just a moment before it quickly dropped. “Just let me walk you home each night so I can make sure you’re safe, yeah?”

“Yeah,” I breathed out, unable to take my eyes off of him as he took a few steps back.

There’s a somewhat playful smirk on his lips as he watched me stumble up the steps, continuously glancing back at him. “Goodnight, baby doll.”

“Goodnight,” I said, barely audible before I finally headed inside.

Bucky kept his word. He walked me home every night, and honestly, there wasn’t a moment that I wasn’t thinking about what he had said, about if I was his girl.

What if I was his girl?

But… with that meant I’d have to give up the life I’d dreamed for myself. I wanted luxury, to never worry about bills or where I was gonna get my next meal or if I could afford to buy the nice work shoes or if I could only get the cheap ones that would fall apart in three months and then I’d just be right back where I started.

I wanted the life that celebrities lived. Hell, I wanted to go to parties on the same yachts the Kardashian-Jenners did, even if I couldn’t fucking stand them.

And with Bucky… I wouldn’t have that.

“So why’d you go on the run anyway?” Bucky asked one night as we sat on the curb, eating ice cream in the Louisiana heat. “I know you told me how you got here, but you’ve never told me why.”

“You’ve never told me how you ended up here or why either,” I shot back, nudging his shoulder with my own.

Somehow the age difference seemed non-existent as we sat there. Honestly, I felt like we were just a bunch of dumb teenagers, shooting the shit and enjoying each other’s company.

Bucky took in a deep breath, his shoulders sinking in a way that made it look like he had all the weight of the world on his shoulders. “I was over in Afghanistan for a long time,” he admitted quietly. “When the war first started, I was 19. I had no idea where my life was going and I had no options except my dad’s mechanic shop. So I enlisted with my best friend, Steve. The one I told you about.”

It’s completely silent except for the sound of an occasional car horn off in the distance.

“Neither one of us knew what we were doing. We realized very quickly that we had no reason being over there, but… but there was nothing else,” he said, swallowing around the lump in his throat. The ice cream he was holding was melting in his trembling hands. “I didn’t know how to do anything else, so I stayed. Steve moved up in the ranks, but I stayed pretty low… I didn’t mind. Kinda liked being the older guy all those young kids could talk to, could rely on… Because they were just like me, getting into a fight that wasn’t theirs because they had nothing else.”

My heart was shattering inside my chest as I scooted a little closer, my knee knocking against his as I tried to give him some sort of silent comfort. He’d been through Hell and made it through.

Bucky let his head rest against mine, his eyes closing as he breathed in the scent of my perfume. “They eventually moved me to some kind of specialized team… Called us the Howling Commandos. I found out that Steve was heading it and he picked me to be part of it. That’s how I met Sam, because he was on some sort of similar team with the Air Force, except it was just him and his friend, Riley,” he continued, taking a bite of his chocolate fudge brownie ice cream. “I am proud to say that I didn’t kill a single person while I was over there. I just couldn’t. Hell, they’re people just like me, terrified and unsure of what’s going to happen.” His lips pressed against my forehead, letting it linger. “But then about five years ago, I was on a mission with the Commandos, Sam, and Riley, and… this bomb went off while we were playing a game of soccer. I wasn’t even in a fight. That thing took my arm and it took Riley.”

Tentatively, I let my fingers find his, holding his hand and squeezing reassuringly.

“Sam decided to come home with me.” There was a forlorn look in his eyes, as though he was right back at that game of pick-up soccer. “After losing Riley… he couldn’t find a reason to be over there. And then Steve decided to stay, and hell, he’s still over there, leading that fucking team…” Glassy baby blue eyes finally found mine, the both of us doing our best to not cry. “I couldn’t face my family for a long time, so Sam asked me to come stay in Louisiana with him and his family, and I haven’t left since.”

“Have you gone to see your family?” I asked slowly, almost like I was scared I’d frighten him if I spoke too loudly, like a wild animal. “Let them know where you are? That you’re safe?”

He turned to look at me, his baby blues shining. “You worried about me, baby doll?”

“I can’t help it,” I said honestly, unable to tear my eyes away. I hadn’t opened up to someone like that in so damn long. “I can’t help but worry about you.”

The way that I felt about Bucky absolutely terrified me, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. It snuck up on me, like a train coming around a bend.

I hated it.

“What do you want out of this life?” Bucky asked on one walk home, his arm linked in mine. He’d become so much more… tactile. If anyone took a moment to look at us, they’d think we were a couple on a romantic stroll.

Perhaps we were.

But I couldn’t help but grin as I looked up at the sky, taking in the warm air. “I wanna live like how the movie stars do… I want a big house on the beach and twenty cars and a yacht and… and…”

He looked at me long and hard. “And you never wanna have to worry about where your next meal is coming from, if you’re gonna have a place to sleep at night…”

For some reason, I’d felt a bolt of panic over whether or not he’d understand. Whether or not he’d think differently of me, but I should’ve known that he wouldn’t. Hell, he knew me better than anyone else.

“You understand,” I said quietly, my hand squeezing his bicep gratefully. “I want to live how the other half lives for once. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.”

A small smile graced his features as we shuffled along. “There isn’t. But… What about love?” He asked.

“Love?”

“Love.”

Love.

Could I even have love? Did I want it?

“I don’t know if there’s a lot of room for love in my plans,” I admitted after a long moment. “In my experience, love has always just been a lie. A word used to manipulate and eventually abuse.”

Letting out a snort, he let his fingers tickle down my tricep until his fingers intertwined with mine. “I’d show you it’s not… I’d show you what real love is,” he said. “I’d give you every part of me, give you all my strength to help you grow into who you wanna be, even if I don’t particularly care about being famous or rich…” He brought my hand to his lips, kissing my knuckles. “I’ll give you a love story, a life, that’s a million times better than any recycled Hollywood plot… I’ll give you the stars and the moon, if you would just let me.”

I hated the way that he made my heart beat faster, the way my breath hitched. “Jamie,” I breathed out quietly, the two of us having stopped in our tracks to just… take each other in. Live in each other’s presence for a moment. “I…”

“You want a big life… one a lot bigger than little old me,” he said simply, shrugging. His blue eyes were so honest, so loving. So warm. A warmth I hadn’t ever experienced before. “I know. But that doesn’t change that I’m in love with you. And if you ever change your mind…” Bucky reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card, pressing it into my free hand. “This is where you can find me. I figure it’s time for me to go home.”

We’d come to a stop in front of my building, and I was shocked at how tight my chest felt. My eyes watered as I stared at him long and hard. “Jamie, please… I⏤”

“Don’t say it. It’s okay,” he insisted as he cupped my cheek, letting his thumb run over my skin as though he was memorizing it. “I just want you to be happy, darling. You got that?” His lips pressed to my forehead, letting it linger. “Go get that life you’ve been dreaming of.”

Twenty-Three

I left New Orleans the next day, grabbing a bus ticket after throwing all of my belongings into my old duffel bag. It was time to move on.

But God, did it hurt.

I didn’t stop crying for weeks, fighting the urge to go right back to Louisiana and tell Bucky to take it back, to get him to beg me to stay with him.

But what kind of life would that leave me with? Working in the diner day after day? Never getting anywhere?

But you’d have James, a voice inside my head reminded me snarkily.

Then again, he most likely wasn’t even in New Orleans anymore, if what he said was true when he gave me the business card of his father’s mechanic shop. Was he really planning on going home to New York City?

A few months later, and I’d worked my way all through the southwest to Santa Fe, where I met Pietro.

My heart was pounding as I pressed in the familiar numbers, having memorized them from the business card now soft and faded from how often I held it in my hands like a lifeline. “Come on… Pick up… Pick up…”

“Barnes Tires and Motors, this is George,” a man said in a gruff voice when he finally picked up. “How can I help you?”

“H-Hi, is James there? James Barnes? Bucky?” I stammered out, hands trembling so bad that the old payphone was almost rattling.

There was a pause, and then muffled talking away from the phone.

And then I heard it being picked up. “This is Bucky,” he said.

It felt like the wind had been knocked right out of my lungs. How had I gone so long without hearing his voice?

Breathing in sharply, I tried to figure out the words to say. But my throat was dry and it was like I’d suddenly forgotten the entire English language.

That was all that it took for Bucky to realize it was me. “Baby doll? Baby doll, is that you?” He asked quietly. “I…” He took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “You don’t gotta say a thing, sweetheart… But just know that if you’re in trouble or you need help or… or anything at all, you better call me…” His voice wavered, as though he was fighting tears just like I was. “God, I miss you so much, baby doll. I love you.”

I love you, too.

I hung up before I could actually say the words. “God, I’m so fucking stupid,” I whispered as I leaned back against the wall of the gas station I’d found myself at, rubbing the heels of my hands into my eyes.

My dumb ass had decided to wander from the bus station, and I’d walked over a mile away. Unless I was staying in Santa Fe for a bit, I’d need to start making my way back.

“You okay?”

In my distress, I hadn’t even heard the rumbling of the motorcycle or noticed the handsome man making his way to me. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” I said even as I wiped my nose with a pathetic sniffle.

He eyed me for a long moment, his eyes roaming over my figure. “You hungry? I know a great little place nearby. My treat.”

And well, I was never one to turn down free food.

Even if that ‘little place’ ended up being a food truck.

“You know, when you said it was a little place, I didn’t picture it having wheels,” I said teasingly, licking salsa off of my lower lip. “Though, it is the best food I’ve ever gotten from a food truck before.”

“Oh, come on. This is the best food of all time!” He laughed, shaking his head.

“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” I snorted, finishing off my flautas.

Pietro looked at me long and hard. “So, are you gonna tell me what the hell was going on to have a pretty girl like you all teary eyed?” He asked, his head tilting to the side.

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. “Was this your plan all along?” I asked. Wiping my hands off on a napkin, I did everything I could to avoid his eyes. “Get me all fed and then question me?” But at the same time, the thought of being able to finally talk to someone about it was so appealing… After a long moment of hesitation, I finally gave in. “I fell in love with a man, and he let me go because he knew that I want a life he can’t give me,” I said. “And I was a bitch who didn’t even tell him I love him back when he said it to me.”

Pietro took in a deep breath, slowly letting it out. “Damn. You really are a stone cold bitch, aren’t you?”

“Hey!” I indignantly threw a chunk of tomato at him, glaring. “I just opened up my heart, you dickwad.”

“Dickwad?!” He said, blinking at me in shock. “No one’s ever called me a dickwad before.”

I raised a single eyebrow at him. “Maybe not to your face, but they definitely have.” He gave off the vibe of a fuckboy, of a really, really bad fuckboy.

“Well, since you’re running away from your feelings, how about you spend a week or two with me on the road?” He asked with a grin.

I couldn’t help but blink at him in shock. “What?” I let out a laugh, pulling one of my legs up to my chest. “Do you throw that line out to every girl you meet? Or am I just special?”

Pietro threw a chip at me, and I barely managed to dodge it. “No, I don’t. But… You remind me of me. Needing adventure. A life bigger than four walls and a fence.”

Instinctively, I wanted to snap back that sometimes, four walls and a fence could be an adventure, could be the biggest life there was, as Bucky’s face flashed across my mind.

But I couldn’t do that. Not when I wasn’t ready to face the truth myself.

“Come on, sweet cheeks,” he teased as his foot hooked around mine. “Just think of it. The open highway, a rhythm beneath your feet… Nights full of passion and days of adventure…” Pietro’s voice was deep and husky, as though he was trying to lure me in. “No strings… just warm summer rain soaking us to the bone before we find some cheap motel to huddle down in…”

Plastering on a smile, I stood up and brushed myself on. “Thanks, but… I’d rather be drinking champagne, and the quicker I get to LA, the sooner I will be.”

He let me go with a kiss on the cheek and his cell number pressed into my hand, with a promise to come and pick me up the second I rang.

And despite how sweet he was, how wild and funny and charismatic, there was only one man I wanted to call.

Twenty-Four

I sipped at my martini as I sat at the rooftop bar, absentmindedly watching the television that was mounted on the wall as people droned around me. I’d been in Los Angeles for a year, and I’d spent my time finding the best places to find a husband who could give me the life I dreamed of.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, it took connections to build a career, and the best way to get a foot in the door when nepotism was so rampant was by marrying someone in the industry.

My silk dress was the most expensive thing I owned, something I’d saved up for months for, had skipped meals for. And fuck, was it worth it. I could feel the stares, the lingering gazes on the little bit of thigh that was exposed by the slit in the dress.

I’d already turned away several men, able to tell just from their expensive watches and cheap suits and shoes.

It was amazing how all the up and coming finance bros thought they fit in with the truly big dogs.

“Well, hello, gorgeous.”

I turned to see who was speaking, my heart skipping a beat when I realized who I was speaking to.

The world famous (or infamous) director, Tony Stark.

“Hello, handsome,” I said smoothly, my lashes fluttering innocently as I took a sip of my horrible drink.

I fucking hated martinis. Always had.

But ordering a martini was more sophisticated than ordering a frozen strawberry margarita.

“Is this seat taken?” He asked as he motioned to the empty bar stool right next to me, even as he was already sitting down. “Let me buy your next round.”

“I can’t think of anything better,” I said, feeling as though my dream life was already in reach.

Twenty-Eight

“Tony, where are you taking me?” I laughed as I let my boyfriend lead me to the private dock at our Malibu mansion.

Well, his mansion. I just happened to also live there.

It had been a whirlwind of a year since I had met Tony, and he’d bought me that second round. He’d taken me all over the globe, anywhere my heart desired.

But I made sure to avoid New York City, though he never understood why. I would never tell him.

Not when I was so close to my dream. I could practically taste it.

“Come on, come on. I have a surprise for you,” he said, keeping his hands over my eyes. He was sure to keep me from tripping and busting my ass, thank god.

The ocean waves were so comforting as they hit the shore, a sound I’d gotten used to over the past year.

He finally brought me to a stop, quietly telling me to keep my eyes closed. “Okay,” he said finally. “Open them.”

My eyes slowly opened, adjusting to the bright light of the California sun. But I was more shocked by the sight of Tony on one knee in front of me, holding out a box with a sparkling diamond ring in it. “Tony?”

The ring was the size of a fucking meteor. It was easily the biggest ring I’d ever seen.

“You know, I never thought I’d meet someone like you,” he said quietly, his dark eyes shining. But his voice was steady. “Someone who understands me, who doesn’t expect me to change into someone I’m not. You accept me as I am, and that’s why I want to give you the world.” He couldn’t help but grin as he nodded to the right. “Starting with that yacht you’ve always dreamed of.”

I hadn’t even noticed that there were two yachts at his private docks instead of just the one. The new one had SS Princess emblazoned on the side, and I couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh… Tony…”

“So, what do you say?” He asked, bringing my attention back to him. “Will you be my wife?”

“Yes.”

Thirty-Two

Swallowing nervously, I looked down at the business card in my hand for the millionth time, the stock paper soft from how often I’d looked at it in the past ten years.

Hell, just how often I’d looked at it in the past six should’ve made it fall apart by now. Not that I didn’t have it memorized.

I’d finally ended my marriage after being miserable for so long. I’d gotten my yacht, my fancy houses, my career, all the jewelry that I could dream of, and none of it made me happy. Tony and I… never grew. And I never dreamed. Every day was the same, and every day was torture as I realized that I didn’t have the one thing that actually mattered.

The garage in front of me was busy, music blasting and the sound of men shouting to each other as they worked.

Suddenly I felt absolutely ridiculous wearing a Chanel dress and Gucci heels, an Hermés bag on my arm.

BARNES TIRES AND MOTORS was lit up along the top of the shop in bright red letters, though the lights in the ‘r’ of ‘motors’ were out.

I felt like a fool. I had wanted the life I had so desperately that I gave up everything for it. I got the movie star life, my name on billboards and my face on magazines.

But it wasn’t ever enough.

My heels clicked against the blacktop as I slowly made my way towards the front area of the shop, bells clinging above my head to let them know someone was there.

“Can I help you, ma’am?” A man asked as he came around the corner.

He looked so much like Bucky, it punched the air straight from my lungs.

“H-Hi. I’m looking for James Barnes. Is he here?” I asked after a long moment of hesitation. There was no way that the man was Bucky, but I didn’t doubt he was related.

The man raised his brows, wiping his hands on a rag. “My son’s in the shop. I’ll take you to him.” His full head of hair was white, his thick facial hair matching. Even with all the wrinkles on his face, he was a handsome man. Holding open the door for me, he led me into the loud shop, some eighties rock song blasting over the speakers.

I couldn’t help but smile as ‘Rock You Like a Hurricane’ by Scorpions came on. It was one of Bucky’s favorites back when we worked in the diner together.

“BUCK! YOU GOT A VISITOR!” The man shouted, causing several people to look our way.

My cheeks felt hot as I avoided their gaze, hoping they wouldn’t recognize me. I didn’t want to be a famous movie star anymore, a celebrity that had to beg for scraps of privacy.

My mind went numb, my heart stopping inside my chest as he stepped around a gray Ford Escape another man was working on.

He was even more handsome than he was the last time I saw him.

“Can I help y—” He broke off, his blue eyes going wide when he realized that it was me. “Hi.”

All of a sudden, everything I’d planned to say flew out of my head. All of the eloquent words I’d strung together were gone. And I just proceeded to word vomit.

“Did you know that, uh, when you marry someone you’re not in love with, you won’t… you won’t grow into it?” I asked, my voice shaking. “Um… I married a man who could give me a life I thought I always wanted, and he just… sucked.” Eyes stinging, I fought back against tears. “And I thought that all I ever wanted was the life I have now, was the life movie stars and the Kardashians lived. But… But I hate it. I hated every second I was away from you.” I let out a weak laugh, unable to stop the tears. “I wanted to turn around the second I got on the bus in New Orleans, but my stupid stubborn ass didn’t. I should have. I should’ve gotten off and just run right back to you because I… I love you, James. I always have.”

The garage had gone almost deadly quiet, and my heart sank when I realized Bucky looked almost frozen in shock.

“I know that I shouldn’t have showed up like this,” I scrambled to say. “But I… I’ve been trying to get my divorce finalized for two years and I finally did, and I kept telling myself that once it was done, I’d never hold myself back from what I really want ever again. From who I want. If… If you want me.” My face felt like it was on fire, my hands shaking. I shook my head as I took a step backwards. “What am I thinking? There’s no way you’re not married. I… I’m so so—”

Before I could finish the word ‘sorry,’ Bucky had closed the distance between us, his hands cradling my face so gently. He held me like I was made of fine crystal as he kissed me. He kissed me like his life depended on it, like I was the one source of oxygen.

And I kissed him back just as fiercely. “I love you. I love you so much,” I breathed out in between kisses, unwilling to let him go as my Hermés bag fell into the dust and oil on the concrete below.

Bucky smiled into the kiss, his arm wrapping around my waist to keep me pressed to his chest. “I love you so much, darlin.’ God, I’ve missed you…” His nose nudged against mine as we finally broke for air, both of us breathing heavily.

My knees felt like Jell-O as I held onto him. His grip was the only reason I hadn’t fallen to the ground already.

“I’m sorry I was a dumb twenty-two year old,” I said, snorting as he stole another kiss.

“No… Don’t be sorry,” he insisted, his fingers massaging my scalp as our foreheads pressed together. It was like he was scared to stop touching me, like I would disappear at any second. “You were young… You had to go out and make your own mistakes… I’ve just been waiting for the day you were ready.”

All the years apart melted away and all that remained was the two of us, two souls so intertwined that there was no way to truly separate us.

Our lips were half molded together as I said, “I’m never leaving you again. I promise I swear on everything…”

My heart almost stopped inside my chest as I heard someone clearing their throat, looking to see Bucky’s father staring at us with his arms crossed over his chest. “M-Mr. Barnes, sir…”

He gave a crooked smile that was so reminiscent of Bucky that I couldn’t help but grin back. “The Mrs. will wanna know if you’re staying for dinner.”

“Yeah,” I said as I looked up at Bucky, toying with a strand of his hair. “That sounds perfect.”

Later that night, Bucky and I laid in his bed, a mess of bare limbs as his fingers ran up and down my back soothingly. “What do you want from this life, baby girl?” He asked absentmindedly.

Humming, I traced shapes on his bare chest, sometimes pressing a kiss to where his prosthetic met his shoulder, on the tender scar tissue. “You.”

A grin tugged at the corner of his mouth, despite the already mischievous look on his face. “Really? Not even the stars and the moon?” He asked teasingly.

I knew he’d give it to me anyway, give me all that he could. But I was sure now that the only thing I wanted from this life was his love. “Not even the stars and the moon.”

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes reader insert

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