#is an important barrier to consider in communication

[doctorwhoisadhd]

hmm thinking about the idea of love songs. i think the idea of what a love song is that we have in our culture is inherently a little bit flawed because we have the idea that any song written about romantic feelings is a love song and im thinking thats not exactly true because there is a difference between "romance" and "love". what i'm saying is not that love is a broader category and applies to things that are not romantic in nature. this is in fact true, but it's not what makes the important distinction here. the true distinction between "romance" and "love" is that romance is a societally defined type of interest in another person, whereas love is, essentially, a promise that you make when you build a relationship.

as such, what i call "love" here might be better defined as "care", as that implies more time and effort, but that's a different suitcase to unpack and largely unimportant to my point here, which is more about the societal conventions of what we call love songs. the point is, relationships can be built with other people, yes, but also animals, places, organizations, ideas, so on and so on, whereas romance requires another person, hence the difference between the ideas of "romance" and "love".

with that in mind, there are two types of songs we in western, english speaking, society call "love songs":

1) songs that are about a person's romantic interest in someone that is either definitively known to be unrequited (existing monogamous relationship, sexuality that doesn't align, etc) or simply not requited (aka romantic interest being unknown); and

2) songs about an existing relationship (keeping in mind my points about relationships not just being with people, but also places, things, etcetera) as is.

(some examples of the latter category: mountaintop by relient k, which defines the relationship in question as non-romantic; or i miss my mum by cavetown, which is - as the title implies - a song about the singer missing their mother.)

now, the thing that makes distinguishing these two difficult is the fact that songs about an existing relationship CAN be about wanting certain aspects of that relationship to change. in these cases, determining that a song is one or the other will hinge either on a) authorial intent or b) whether the song is more about what the singer wants (thereby implying #1) or the lack thereof in that relationship (which would imply #2).

to get back to the subject at hand: the term "love song", as we think of it, is an umbrella term that include both of these two categories, and i think that perhaps it is reductive to do so. with that in mind, i think perhaps it would be more appropriate for "love song" to mean only the latter, whereas the former is a category of its own. WHICH is not to say that the two can't overlap — just that if a song is about a person with whom the singer has no relationship, it cannot be considered a love song due to the fact that it is a song about infatuation, not love.

(another interesting wrinkle this provides is the fact that a song might start out in the first category and, as the writer develops a relationship with a person, might move into the second category as they write more.)

#anyway. just some of my thoughts on this as an aromantic songwriter #ari opinion hour #this goes a good deal to reconcile my constant writing of love songs with the fact that none of them are romantic #which im fine with as long as im keeping them to myself but it DOES feel dishonest when i hide that theyre love songs. #however this did also go some way to convince me that maybe care songs is an alternative that i SHOULD use because it is more applicable to #me than the concept of love which MOST people do not have the same perspective on as i do and having different definitions of the same word #is an important barrier to consider in communication #i will admit i do think im clinging to my care songs being love songs due to my relationship with an organization to which love is very #important as i dont want to go back on my promises to that organization as it IS very important to me #anyway. can you tell ive been reading house of leaves by the fact that this appeared fully fledged in my head in fully academic language #but for real like thinking about it now and even my old love songs like most would probably think to see them that they would go in the #first category and they just. DO NOT. at least not the ones that were written after i was like Yeah im aro again #its interesting the ones i wrote in the brief period where i thought i WASNT aro in like mid hs those i WOULD put in the first category #even though like i do NOT think i was right about it being romantic #but the ones after i was like Yea im aro again are like. Thats definitely the latter #part of it is i did find a voice that was like genuinely Mine and wasnt just writing sort of generic love songs #love songs in the typical usage i mean so they were really more infatuation songs #but like i was still with the last person irl who i wrote these about divorced from like... my aroness because of how much i liked him #and i would still put those in the second category #so part of it is awareness as well #so. yeah. its interesting #i probably should just suck it up and start calling them care songs. even if people dont know what i mean to say that

[too-fond-to-be-fearful]

Been thinking recently about the goings-on with Duolingo & AI, and I do want to throw my two cents in, actually.

There are ways in which computers can help us with languages, certainly. They absolutely should not be the be-all and end-all, and particularly for any sort of professional work I am wholly in favour of actually employing qualified translators & interpreters, because there's a lot of important nuances to language and translation (e.g. context, ambiguity, implied meaning, authorial intent, target audience, etc.) that a computer generally does not handle well. But translation software has made casual communication across language barriers accessible to the average person, and that's something that is incredibly valuable to have, I think.

Duolingo, however, is not translation software. Duolingo's purpose is to teach languages. And I do not think you can be effectively taught a language by something that does not understand it itself; or rather, that does not go about comprehending and producing language in the way that a person would.

Whilst a language model might be able to use probability & statistics to put together an output that is grammatically correct and contextually appropriate, it lacks an understanding of why, beyond "statistically speaking, this element is likely to come next". There is no communicative intent behind the output it produces; its only goal is mimicking the input it has been trained on. And whilst that can produce some very natural-seeming output, it does not capture the reality of language use in the real world.

Because language is not just a set of probabilities - there are an infinite array of other factors at play. And we do not set out only to mimic what we have seen or heard; we intend to communicate with the wider world, using the tools we have available, and that might require deviating from the realm of the expected.

Often, the most probable output is not actually what you're likely to encounter in practice. Ungrammatical or contextually inappropriate utterances can be used for dramatic or humorous effect, for example; or nonstandard linguistic styles may be used to indicate one's relationship to the community those styles are associated with. Social and cultural context might be needed to understand a reference, or a linguistic feature might seem extraneous or confusing when removed from its original environment.

To put it briefly, even without knowing exactly how the human brain processes and produces language (which we certainly don't), it's readily apparent that boiling it down to a statistical model is entirely misrepresentative of the reality of language.

And thus a statistical model is unlikely to be able to comprehend and assist with many of the difficulties of learning a language.

A statistical model might identify that a learner misuses some vocabulary more often than others; what it may not notice is that the vocabulary in question are similar in form, or in their meaning in translation. It might register that you consistently struggle with a particular grammar form; but not identify that the root cause of the struggle is that a comparable grammatical structure in your native language is either radically different or nonexistent. It might note that you have trouble recalling a common saying, but not that you lack the cultural background needed to understand why it has that meaning. And so it can identify points of weakness; but it is incapable of addressing them effectively, because it does not understand how people think.

This is all without considering the consequences of only having a singular source of very formal, very rigid input to learn from, unable to account for linguistic variation due to social factors. Without considering the errors still apparent in the output of most language models, and the biases they are prone to reproducing. Without considering the source of their data, and the ethical considerations regarding where and how such a substantial sample was collected.

I understand that Duolingo wants to introduce more interactivity and adaptability to their courses (and, I suspect, to improve their bottom line). But I genuinely think that going about it in this way is more likely to hinder than to help, and wrongfully prioritises the convenience of AI over the quality and expertise that their existing translators and course designers bring.

#alright getting off my soapbox now #apologies if this is not particularly coherent - i was very much working through my thoughts as I was writing #but yeah tl;dr i am not huge on LLMs especially for language education and am deeply disappointed by the way things are trending #anyways if anyone knows any learning tools that are similarly structured i'd appreciate the recommendation #being able to easily do a little bit of study on a regular basis helped me a lot and i've yet to find anything similar #duolingo #language #language learning

[ezekiel-krishna]

☘️ 9th Lord in All Houses { Part 2 }

◇◇ Fortune, Prosperity, Higher Learnings & Spirituality ◇◇

⇝ Your Guide to Check Your Placement > Refer here

9th Lord in 8th House

This placement is quite challenging when it comes to ownership. Even if you're a billionaire or anyone with the ninth Lord in Eighth House, you may still feel a sense of lack in your life. The desire for more wealth can ironically lead to misfortune. The ninth Lord in the Eighth House signifies spiritual wisdom, deep occult knowledge, and sometimes even renunciation. If Jupiter is in this placement, it can bring tremendous spiritual growth in this lifetime, which is truly a blessing. While it may create feelings of insecurity for many, there are remedies to overcome this psychological barrier. Subconsciously, you may feel the need to give away excess wealth as a way to find balance.

When you receive more, you may feel unworthy, but it's not a mental barrier - it's simply the karmic challenges you face. Your past life may have been filled with good fortune, but it didn't necessarily lead to spiritual fulfillment or inner happiness in this life. By remembering this, you can truly benefit when you give back to charity.It's important to share your wisdom, wealth, and fortune. The more you give, the more you receive, as your current fortune is connected to the 12th and fourth houses. Some of you may even find luck in foreign lands, so traveling abroad can be quite beneficial.

While venturing into foreign lands can bring good fortune, staying there can also be advantageous. The main obstacle to your prosperity may come from your friendships and social circles. Not all friends are genuine, but not every friend is an enemy either. Choose your companions wisely, and you'll be just fine.Your relationship with your siblings is bound to be challenging. They have the potential to create obstacles and difficulties for you, which is why it is crucial for you to practice patience and maintain open communication with them. As for your career, you will face demanding bosses or superiors who will have high expectations of you. It is natural to feel like quitting at times, but try not to make a habit out of it, as it will only hinder your progress.

However, your greatest karmic responsibility lies in your children. They will require a great deal of effort and dedication from you, as is the case with every parent. But for you specifically, it holds a deeper karmic significance. Giving so much to your kids will require an enormous amount of energy and attention from you. In the event that you do not have children in this lifetime, your karmic duty will be fulfilled by assisting younger individuals, most likely students, as a teacher or mentor. They will demand a lot from you, and it is essential for you to fulfill this karmic debt. Educating, helping, or mentoring them is a wise choice for you.

9th Lord in 9th House

This position offers the potential for great wealth and good fortune, allowing you to develop your talents and skills. The influence of the first house will also enhance your physical appearance, making you incredibly attractive. Your siblings, especially your younger siblings, will bring blessings into your life, and there is a strong positive energy surrounding you due to your past life actions. While this placement suggests that traveling to foreign lands will generally be favorable, it is important to consider the entire birth chart as it may not always be the case. Home life can be challenging, regardless of your wealth, as there may be obstacles in finding peace and security in your domestic situation. Additionally, there may be karmic struggles or difficulties in your early home environment, including issues with your mother or even the loss of your mother.

In most cases, your father will be a source of happiness for you. However, if the 9th lord is a malefic planet such as Saturn, Mars, Rahu (North Node), or Ketu (South Node), you may encounter extreme difficulties with your father.It is crucial to adhere to your religious beliefs or philosophical principles when seeking the truth, as this will bring about positive outcomes in your life. Your passion for learning is commendable, and it is important that your education aligns with your interests. However, if the ninth lord is malefic or if there is a malefic influence on the ninth house lord, there may be a significant delay in your higher education. Nevertheless, this delay can still be seen as fortunate for you. The ninth house not only signifies learning but also teaching, and individuals with this placement often excel as teachers. You may receive fortune through your own children or from your students.

However, there may be obstacles in the form of your elder siblings. If your elder sibling is part of your social network or friendship circles, it can become a test of your moral duty or dharma. It is not necessarily that they are false friends, although that can happen. The challenge lies in not being able to discern who is a genuine friend, as you tend to be trusting and overlook their motives. Your friendship networks and circles can greatly impact your fortune. With this placement, you often have responsibilities and obligations towards non-human beings, not just pets but all living creatures. Additionally, there may be a significant legal dispute or court case that arises in your life. However, as long as you remain righteous and truthful, it will not disrupt your overall fortune.

9th Lord in 10th House

This placement offers incredible opportunities for growth and advancement in your life. You will receive recognition and respect from your superiors, possibly even attaining a high position in your career. Regardless of your current status, people will admire and look up to you, which is truly fortunate. Your past life Karma will play a significant role in your promotion and career success, allowing you to achieve your goals with less effort compared to others.

While this may bring some instability in your domestic life, with frequent moves, it is important to prioritize your home life as well. Neglecting your family can strain your relationship with your mother. On the bright side, you will have a wide network of friends and connections who will constantly present amazing opportunities for you, ensuring a steady stream of income.

You will encounter numerous adversaries along the way, and the more rivals you face, the greater your fame and success will be. However, be wary of the toll it may take on your health - you could become overly indulgent, lazy, or even obsessed with fitness to the point of neglecting your well-being. With the ninth Lord in the tenth house, a strong ego may arise, and you might even have hidden children, posing ethical challenges in dealing with them. Foreign affairs can bring about various difficulties, so be mindful of your expenses when abroad. Watch out for extravagance and debt, as they could lead to your downfall. Your karmic duty lies in fulfilling your responsibilities to your spouse, presenting tests that you must face with integrity. Remember, maintaining honesty, transparency, and ethical behavior in your relationships is crucial for preserving your good fortune.

9th Lord in 11th House

When the 9th lord enters the 11th house, a multitude of blessings can come your way. Specifically, you will experience an increase in wealth and income from various sources. New opportunities will continuously present themselves to you, catering to your needs and desires. It is quite common to have multiple streams of income with this placement.Not only will you receive the favor of your father and elder siblings, but sometimes even by simply wishing for good fortune, it will come to you. Your family, siblings, cousins, and spouse will shower you with blessings. In return, you will go above and beyond to help others, including your spouse. This creates a mutually beneficial dynamic.

Having the ninth lord in the eleventh house endows you with exceptional talent. You possess the ability to quickly learn and excel in any skill. Whether it be in the artistic or literary field, such as writing, media, communication, blogging, or criticism, you have the potential to become highly skilled. Additionally, you have a natural aptitude for artistic endeavors like singing and drama. Furthermore, you make an excellent financial advisor, making this placement particularly advantageous for business people.Even if one door of opportunity closes, another one consistently opens for you. This ensures that you always have avenues to explore and opportunities to seize.

As you become highly successful and influential, you may unknowingly evoke jealousy within your family circle. It's important to be cautious of your enemies and competitors, as they may try to undermine your position out of envy. This placement also tests your willingness to reach out and assist others, as the 11th house is all about helping people. Additionally, the first house emphasizes your commitment to supporting others throughout your life. The great news is that the more you extend a helping hand and support others, the more your fortune will grow. It's truly a win-win situation.

When the 10th house is 8th House of Crisis transformation, you have the potential to become a counselor, psychotherapist, mentor, or someone in the medical field by helping others in difficult times. When you face crisis, trauma, or transformation yourself, you emerge stronger and wealthier. You have the knack for turning challenging situations into opportunities, embodying the saying 'when life gives you a lemon, make lemonade' - this is clearly linked to the ninth Lord in the eleventh house.

9th Lord in 12th House

When the ninth Lord moves into the twelfth house, it may lead to a sense of uncertainty and lack of direction in your life. However, one thing is certain - foreign lands will bring you good fortune. Your wealth and gains will come from overseas sources, and there is a high likelihood of pursuing higher education in foreign countries. Working in institutions like prisons, asylums, hospitals, or schools can also be beneficial for you. These organizations provide structure and organization to your life, unlike self-employment which may pose challenges. Remember to consider the seventh house Lord to confirm these effects. Additionally, the twelfth house signifies charity, so the more you give to charitable and educational causes, the more your fortune will grow.

This position is deeply spiritual, granting you intuitive abilities and an understanding of occult sciences like astrology and tarot. With the 9th lord in the 12th house, challenges may arise in your relationship with your father, or he may be absent from your life. Family dynamics can be tough, but you share a strong bond with your mother, who provides support. Spousal relationships may be demanding, requiring patience and understanding. Health issues could also be a concern. Education may not come easily, but pursuing higher education will be highly beneficial. You were born to acquire special wisdom, and you will encounter spiritual teachers or mentors who will guide you towards profound knowledge. Embrace this experience fully and don't hesitate to immerse yourself in the learning process.

Remember This is a General Analysis

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#vedic astrology #astro notes #astro observations #astrology #astroworld #astro community #astroblr #astroloji #9th house

[blindbeta]

I've noticed that you are interested in stories with multiple blind characters and often propose adding more blind characters to a story as a solution. I really struggle with this because it's not as simple as that -- stories don't have infinite narrative space. The idea that every story has a large cast is influenced by the prevalence of long serialized media in fandom: webcomics, TV shows, etc. But many writers (myself included) write a lot of novellas and short stories which often only have a few characters -- maybe even only 1 or 2! Even novels don't usually have huge expansive casts -- maybe 5 main characters with some additional side characters.

Considering this, I don't understand how it's realistic for every story (or even, say, 50% of stories) to have multiple blind characters (without it feeling forced). This is compounded by the fact that most blogs that talk about other forms of representation say the same! So if I write a 2-character short story and the protagonist is a blind Latino man, does the second character also have to be a blind Latino man? It just doesn't make sense! This is just a general problem I've noticed in discussions around representation -- there's an assumption that every cast will have 10+ characters and narrative space to develop those characters, even though that's not realistic for most narrative forms.

Do you have any thoughts on this?

Writing Multiple Blind Characters in Short Stories

Hi Anon! Surprise. I write short stories as well. I have experience with this. I have never felt like my blind characters were forced or unrealistic, even with having several of them in the same story. I’ll try to explain what might help you.

First, the idea that multiple blind characters is forced or unrealistic comes from ableism. Think about why you feel there is a limit on disabled characters. If you can create stories, I would hope you are creative enough to consider the possibility that multiple blind characters could exist in the same place and time. Challenging this barrier opens up more possibilities, allowing you to explore different types of blindness, different reactions to it, different upbringings, and multiple ways of living, adapting, and navigating being blind.

Second, blind characters need access to their own community. This is where they learn how to be blind. This where they get support. This is where they might find understanding and belonging. You can find more information about community here in an excellent reblog. Also, here.

As you mentioned, I often suggest adding more blind characters when writers insist upon using stereotyped portrayals. Having multiple characters with different experiences helps to make your story more realistic and nuanced, contrary to what people might implicitly believe. Having more than one blind character is something I highly recommend because it helps with not having all your representation rest on the shoulders of one character.

For example, if you are worried a main character who has cloudy eyes might reinforce the idea that all blind people have cloudy eyes, having another blind character with a different experience may help. If one of your blind characters is naive and innocent, you might have another blind character who is brash, displays a lack of trust in others, and has a lot of shocking stories. Maybe they’re in a rock band together. They met while playing blind football (aka soccer) on a middle school team. They bonded over their pet cats and sour patch kids.

Or something.

Another important thing to remember when writing is that you have control over the story. Too many writers come to me feeling stuck because they feel they cannot change their story while also wanting to incorporate my suggestions. This makes it challenging to address implicit bias or stereotypes, much less guide writers in going in different directions.

Additionally, I feel uncomfortable with the complaints about other blogs in this ask. I feel like this isn’t really about me, nor is it something I can comment on. I will say that it sounds as if a bunch of blogs dedicated to helping people write marginalized characters are mentioning some of the same things. They are probably doing so for a reason.

However, while it helps, writing multiple blind characters won’t improve every story, which I explained in my review of the book Blind. I was not impressed with this book. I did not feel that the four blind characters were very good, nor did having them help with offsetting the portrayal of blindness as a miserable experience.

Conversely, one of my favorite blind characters is Toph Beifong from Avatar: The Last Airbender. Despite being the only blind character in the show, the writers did a good job with her. Would I have liked her to meet more of her community as she travels with the Gang? Absolutely. Even though I like her, she still never had access to her community after being isolated by her parents for so long.

So, no, you don’t need to have multiple blind characters if the suggestion bothers you this much. I even provided good examples of what to do, what not to do, and times where my typical advice was not as helpful for the resulting story.

However, please consider where these feelings stem from. Consider the origins of the idea that having multiple blind characters is unrealistic. Using the example you provided in your question, I wonder, would you say the same if both your characters were white and abled? Is there any way you can challenge the fear of seeming unrealistic? What about being considered unrealistic bothers you so much?

You don’t necessarily need to have characters in the story for them to exist. Even background characters can help. I will try to give some ideas for this:

Does your blind character have family they can talk about or remember? Are any of their family members blind?

Do they have any friends? Just because the friends aren’t in the story doesn’t mean they don’t exist at all.

Does the blind character have any formative memories or flashbacks?

Does the character who isn’t blind know any blind folks?

Your characters should have lives outside of the story. They should have memories and experiences that made them who they are. This is where you can have other blind characters. Perhaps this is how your blind character can have a community.

However, I would still like to see more blind characters interacting with each other. This is what I want as a blind person. If you don’t want to go that direction, that’s fine.

I hope this helps.

#blind #blind characters #writing blind characters #ask #scheduled post #writing more than one blind character #multiple blind characters #ableism #let blind people have friends and community challenge

[spacexseven]

foreigner darling crying while desperately typing into their phone because they don’t any japanese or english, etc. 1) their yandere is a bastard and fucking with them, fully knowing they don’t know the language. 2) the yandere is also struggling and they a dictionary that’s highlighted with translations. 3) the yandere didn’t think this one through and is now acting as if they knew about the barrier. - garfield anon (hello!)

(1) jouno thinks it's funny. here you were, clearly confused and trying your best to communicate with him, but apart from sobs and pleadings of 'please let me go', he can hardly make out your other words. it didn't matter, anyway. this was fine too, you just had to calm down before he could set down some ground rules. he also finds it hilarious when he's talking to you in japanese, knowing you don't understand a single thing, threatening to kill you or your loved ones or telling you about how long he's been watching you and you're just staring at him wide-eyed; isn't that expression far too cute for this?

(1) fyodor wishes you didn't cry so much. if he wanted you to cry in the corner, your phone long abandoned after he had only laughed at your pathetic attempts at trying to talk to him, then he could have done a hundred other things apart from bringing you to a nice room and taking care of you. he understands everything you're saying, of course, but still pretends not to, cocking his head to the side when you ask him why he's done this and glaring at you when you ask his name. it was a little amusing to see you second guess your every word and try to recall any words from any language you knew. only after a month of captivity, when you start, on the brink of losing your mind, telling him about your name and likes and dislikes, he smiles at you, and says "i know", clear as day. the shock on your face is his favorite expression yet.

(2) so maybe chuuya overestimated his linguistic abilities. it was fine! he had dictionaries and the internet just for this. he gets by using the resources on hand, and you're surprisingly pretty well receptive to his attempts, and even point out the words you're saying when he doesn't understand you. things were going a lot better than he thought, until one day you ask him if he can please help you escape and that he can come with you so whoever hired him won't hurt him, you promise to help, and he realizes you had no idea just why you were here. he does consider telling you the truth, but it was a lot nicer to have you trust him and stick by him, so ultimately he decides that can wait. for now, he'll go along with your silly idea.

(2) dazai thought he had all the important words covered, but now you're screaming at him so loudly that he can't comprehend a single word coming out of your mouth. he offers you the dictionary and a pencil, clearly telling you to please circle the words you're using but instead, you throw it back at him and scream some more. not knowing what else to do, he starts speaking to you in gibberish. it works, almost, because you go eerily quiet to listen to him before going back to screaming and throwing things at him (because now it sounds like he's mocking you). oh well, time to sign up for those classes!

(3) nikolai didn't think it'd be this hard to get the message across. surely, using his overcoat to transport you here was enough for you to understand that this was a kidnapping? well, he didn't understand what you were saying either, but he was mostly sure that you said the words 'money', 'who' and 'why' at least thrice now. living together when neither of you understood the other couldn't be that bad, right? he uses pictures of an amusement park and a handy app to ask you if you'd like to go out and that he will drag you back screaming if you tried to run, and the horror on your face is all he needs to know you understood him clear as day. see, not that hard!

#hello anon! welcome to the blog BD #garfield anon 🐟 #your very own tag!!! wow!!! #did this w bsd but this could also work w like genshin? i thought of alhaitham since he knows every language known to mankind lmao #yandere bungo stray dogs x reader #yandere bsd x reader #yandere bungo stray dogs #yandere bsd #yandere bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs x reader #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs x reader #bsd x reader #yandere nikolai gogol x reader #yandere dazai x reader #yandere fyodor x reader #yandere chuuya x reader #yandere jouno x reader #ask 🐟 #bsd 🐟 #anon 🐟 #jouno 🐟 #fyodor 🐟 #nikolai 🐟 #dazai 🐟 #chuuya 🐟 #drabble 🐟 #dazai at class: what does 'fucking asshole i'll castrate you and flush you down the toilet' mean?

[system-of-a-feather]

Visualizing Different Forms of Late Stage Recovery DID / Full Integration

[Note: This is a repost from this post without the long essay attached to it for rebloggability]

We were thinking about it and kind of came to think of a potential visual for Functional Multiplicity VS Final Fusion and the kind of inbetween within the two

We are middle right.

Top Left:

DID prior to any significant amount of processing and recovery; parts are pretty separate from one another with little permeability between parts; some parts are made up of multiple colors

Top Right:

DID during recovery; some parts fuse and meld together to make new parts, others develop some permeability between parts while still maintaining their separation, communication and co-fronting is easy for these parts and they may have a temporary fused state where the areas overlap

Middle Left:

One form of Full Integration; Functional Multiplicity; All parts are connected through permeable barriers and parts are mostly functioning independently of one another. Some parts may be semi-fused or have temporary fused states for parts they are well integrated with, but they also can retain in their individual states as well.

Middle Right:

One form of Full Integration; Functional Multiplicity and Final Fusion Simultaenously; there is a central and overarching “fused whole” that exists in the center of the system where all parts are blended together to the point it is impractical to label which is which; some parts are not fully blended in with the fused whole and thus it is possible to go into areas of the whole where each part is operating independently; its important to note though that a lot of the time, these parts are still holding parts of their adjacent parts and each section tends to have colors from more than their “original” self

Bottom Left:

One form of Full Integration; Full and Final Fusion; what some consider ideal and a more traditional idea of “final fusion” where all parts are fully and perfectly balanced and integrated with one another to create a solid singular identity

#actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #final fusion #functional multiplicity #full integration

[drdemonprince]

Hello! You have opened a fascinating door into kink communities I didn't even know existed. Thanks for that. I was describing some of your steamworks adventures to my partner, who works as a Disease Intervention Specialist (aka DIS, a government healthcare worker who administers free/low-cost STD testing and then attempts to track down and notify+test the recent sexual partners of any infected individuals). (He brings some INSANE stories home from work and gets to give sex ed talks at the local Christian college using a model penis that actually ejaculates--but I digress.) He was horrified by the hypothetical situation where an infected person could have blindfolded sex with an unknown number of nameless strangers. It's hard enough trying to track down partners when the patient only knew them by their Grindr username. How do you have safe sex in these situations? Some STDs can be transmitted via skin-to-skin contact even with a condom. Do venues like steamworks enforce any rules around testing/protection/etc.?

If your partner is 'horrified' by the actual sex lives of the populations he ostensibly serves I think he needs to read more from harm reductionist thinkers and queer activists from a variety of past eras and work on processing his feelings of judgement to ensure it doesn't impact his actions in that line of work.

The books and Melancholia and Moralism, Saving Our Own Lives, and Beyond Shame: Reclaiming the Abandoned History of Radical Gay Sexuality are good places to start.

If you're having anonymous or blindfolded sex in cruising spaces, one route of managing risks is to assume that every person there could be infected with STIs you do not have and to plan accordingly. Vaccines, condoms, PreP, testing, and education are just some of the tools at one's disposal, and one should always be cognizant of the risks that one is consenting to. Steamworks has sexual health educators and testers present within their space regularly, but they don't gatekeep based on serostatus, health status, drug regimen or use of protection -- doing so wouldn't be feasible and would be problematic on multiple grounds.

I don't believe the goal of a public health initiative or a life well lived is to eliminate all risk, or to regard the presence of any infection in any human body as unacceptable, but rather to empower people to make informed decisions about the level of risk they are comfortable confronting, or that is worth the numerous benefits to them.

Personally, I was in far greater danger when I didn't have access to such spaces. Cruising spaces make negotiating sexual consent far safer than privately dating and hooking up with someone, and Steamworks are vitally important queer community spaces, and for me are well worth the trade off. No one should have any illusions about this ever being an experience that they can eliminate all risk from, rather they should anticipate it and plan for it.

I think "safe sex" is an unhelpful framework to pursue because it is so binary and can't ever be guaranteed. What does safety mean? Which types of exposures do we consider to be "unsafe"? Am I unsafe if I encounter another person who, like me, has had a cold sore before, like 80% of the population? Or someone who has a strain of HPV I am vaccinated against? What about if I have an encounter with somebody with a cold? I'm "safer" being fucked by an HIV positive person who is undetectable and wearing a condom than I am having barrier free sex with a long term partner who cheats. I can't even know I'm taking a risk in the latter case; at Steamworks, I'm assuming my risk level to be on the high end and planning accordingly.

I understand that testing and tracing are important parts of public health for our populations. It was vitally important when monkeypox broke out. Maybe Steamworks should collect member emails and alert them if there was a reported transmission on a night that they visited. Though even then, there are some negative public health implications to dozens of people panicking. But there is no means of eliminating all risk entirely or tracing all human sexual behavior and I would be myself pretty horrified if there was.

[cripplecharacters]

Good morning/evening to y'all!

In your list of frequently asked questions, there was no mention of speech disorders? I was wondering if you answer questions for that too? I'm sorry to bother you if you don't.

If you do, I have two things I'd like to ask, if you don't mind!

First of all, my character is a 4-year-old boy with a stutter from brain trauma. How much does age affect this? Are there better to be cured or is it more severe? What would be the best sort of action from parents towards child?

Secondly, what does stuttering feel like, physically? Does it include tightness in the throat, thirst, numbness, or anything like that?

Thank you all.

Hello,

Yes, we have at least one mod with a speech disorder and I can answer them.

Depending on how old he was when the trauma occurred, he may not even realize that he does it. Some things, like the multiple syllable repetition unless he has a more minor form of it, he may notice and feel frustrated with, but stuttering can also include pauses and drawing sounds out which he may not even notice. Because he has the injury now, when he's still learning language like a sponge soaking in water, it's going to be harder to treat. In my experience, speech therapy that started when I was five never managed to actually improve the way I spoke. It's harder to improve in this situation- possible, to my knowledge, but harder.

Curing a stutter from a traumatic brain injury is going to be difficult. It's not likely and it's probably not something his speech therapist would even consider- when there's a lot wrong with speech and there's a reason behind it that can't be worked around, like a TBI, sometimes a speech therapist will just focus on trying to improve one aspect, or they might not even bother at all. If getting rid of his stutter is the goal, that's going to take years of work and it might not fix everything. It can be a severe condition- some people can have a severe stutter from the brain injury- but mostly it's just hard to treat because we have a permanent modification to how our brain works.

The best sort of actions his parents can take is listen to him. It might be frustrating for people to listen to someone who stutters and they might experience isolation because people don't want to talk to or listen to them, it does so much to have even one person in your life who will listen to you speak without impatience, interrupting, or ignoring. Because he's also going into school, listening to him is really important. School is very difficult for people with speech disabilities (for all disabled people, really.) He may experience teachers who are impatient or ableist, or he might experience isolation from his peers or even bullying. It's important his parents listen to him about any issues he may be facing so that they can step in and advocate him. They're the most important people for him to have in his corner. Listening to and communicating with any child is important, but it's very important that his parents listen to and communicate with him. At the very least, it creates a safe place for him at home. At best, he'll talk to his parents about bullying and they can put up a big enough fuss that the issue will be resolved.

As for what it feels like, it feels like the mouth kind of pauses. Like you're trying to say something but there's a barrier in your mouth, so you have to force every sound through it, and that's hard to do. A lot of people who stutter report physically tensing up trying to speak, leading to tension aches wherever they tense, usually in the face or neck, and that tensing is kind of subconscious as if there really is a barrier and you need to physically force the words through the barrier.

As you try and get words out, you might become stressed or frustrated, and that usually makes the stutter worse, which just makes your frustration and anxiety worse. They feed on each other and it sucks.

People who stutter also might have what are called secondary symptoms, like the reflexive tension I mentioned earlier. These secondary symptoms can include grimacing, blinking, movement or another part of the body, like the arms, legs, or feet, issues maintaining eye contact or even issues looking at the person they're talking to at all, and changes in the pitch or volume of the voice. You might also see adaptive behaviours from the person trying to hide their stutter, such as using word substitutions, meaning replacing a word they might stutter on with one they can say easier, interjections such as uh, um, etc, filler words such as like, and quickly revising sentences to either hide a stutter or rephrase the sentence to make it easier to say, things like "I want- I'll have the pasta." Stuttering and those secondary behaviours can lead to him trying to avoid speaking, which he definitely shouldn't do (shouldn't avoid speaking, I mean.)

Also, you might want to consider exactly where the TBI was and how severe it was, because location and severity can also cause other symptoms. An injury to the cerebellum, for example, will impact his fine motor skills. Look into the areas around the specific places that control speech, too. If the injury was bad enough or at the right angle to hit those places, he'll also have symptoms associated with a TBI to those locations.

Thank you for sending this.

Mod Aaron

#anonymous #speech disability representation #mod aaron #brain damage representation

[asexualenjolras]

I've just finished Heartbreak High (delayed, I know) and I was so excited about the asexual representation we were given ... just to jump on here and find that a lot of people are saying that Cash's asexuality story was handled poorly because he doesn't explicitly say he's on the asexuality spectrum, or because Darren didn't respond very well but I disagree with everything that's being said.

I think Heartbreak High handled this storyline in the most authentic way and let me explain why:

Firstly, I think it's important to remember that Cash is an eshay. He's grown up around a very bigoted group of young people, who - you can assume - hold very extreme, neagtive opinions about the LGBTQA+ community. Despite this, we see him accept his love for Darren in a very real way. He's not afraid to be seen with them in public but he does panic a little when his fellow eshays see him with them - even going so far as to say that Darren is a "customer" when asked who they are. We see at the Mardis Gras that he panics when he sees his eshay friend dealing. He isn't afraid of being out, he's afraid of their opinions of him being out. He's afraid of the eshays, not of being queer.

If you think that Cash and his eshay friends would have a deep understanding of sexuality - let alone asexuality - then you're very mistaken.

Not only that, but asexuality is massively misunderstood anyway. People on the asexuality spectrum can go years without finding a label that fits them. I was 18 when I discovered the spectrum. I spent 18 years of my life thinking I was broken.

We see that Cash has accepted this part of himself - he doesn't worry about him being broken or a disappointment, he just worries that he will lose Darren because of it. That's actually really advanced, considering he doesn't even know what asexuality is.

-

Secondly, Darren is a non-binary, queer person. They have a good understanding of the community and different sexuality but one thing that they don't understand - or even know about - is asexuality. This is common in the community. Asexuality is massively unrepresented and there is a lot of false information out there about it.

From Darren's perspective, their partner didn't want to have sex with them. They've grown up feeling like they were unlovable, it's a very authentic reaction for someone to have. And it's a barrier that a lot of asexual people have to overcome in relationships because their partners just don't get that it isn't personal.

Quinni says it the best, she says that "Cash might just be wired differently", and that's what makes Darren a little more understanding - that and speaking with their dad about their trauma from their parents' divorce. They finally understand that Cash didn't have bad experiences with sex but doesn't have that attraction or urge to sleep with someone. They have a lot of unresolved trauma from their childhood, and hypersexuality can be linked to that.

-

Thirdly, it is so beautiful that Heartbreak High have explored the asexuality spectrum in the way they have; usually, ace characters in shows and movies don't have a love interest while they figure out what they feel about or want out of relationships. In Heartbreak High, we see Cash understand that he is attracted to Darren romantically - he actively says he has loved them since he was in Year 8 - and not be afraid of that.

He also knows he is repulsed by sex and doesn't feel anything towards it. He knows it isn't anything to do with the other person and tries his best to communicate that to Darren. And then we see Darren accept Cash's boundaries and we seem them really try to support him through this development.

-

Additionally, we don't see Cash label his sexuality at all. He doesn't say "I'm bisexual but don't like sex", or "I think I'm gay but sex isn't for me". This is really important because it gives room for the show to explore his sexuality in further detail later on. We can still get him discovering the word, and we can still see him finding a term to identify with (if he wants to, some people don't need a term to understand themselves).

There is so much room to talk about the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction, and room for the show to explore where Cash lies in that bracket of identification. We don't know if he's homoromantic, greyromantic, demiromantic, biromantic etc, and I really hope we get to see him explore that. Because it's a challenging thing to have to try to understand after coming to terms with being on the ace spectrum.

There is so much pressure to label yourself at that young age. I think it's rather positive that we have a character that understands his preferences and knows how he feels about sex without having that pressure so early on.

Sure, he likely doesn't know what asexuality is but it will be really interesting to see where the show takes this in future.

As I said, I didn't find the word to describe my sexuality until I was 18. Some people don't until they're middle aged. There's still time for Cash to discover the term and identify with the asexuality spectrum.

-

We see that Cash has tried sex and didn't enjoy it. He doesn't have that urge to go further, and when he does he doesn't enjoy it. That's such good bloody representation. I can't get over it. Despite being shown to be quite anxious about how he feels around sex, he isn't shown to be ashamed of it. That's so healthy and so important.

He doesn't get it and he is still having those confusing problems with his sexuality but he isn't ashamed of it.

-

Finally, I just want to reiterate that Cash not explicitly saying he's asexual does NOT mean that he isn't asexual. The writers and directors of the show have expressly said that he is asexual representation. This pressure to label yourself when you're still trying to figure things out - as Cash says directly - is really dehumanising.

Cash is a human being. He's a young person that is really confused about why he isn't like everyone else. He's having an internal struggle with his preferences and he doesn't understand why he feels the way he does, why he's "wired differently", why he doesn't "feel the same shit" as Darren and other people his age.

It's a really confusing time when you are growing up ace. It makes no sense until you find the community and you find that you're not alone.

Cash Piggott is canonically asexual and it's even more raw that he doesn't label himself so early on because that is the ace experience for so many people.

-

I love Cash. I love him so much. And I hope the show explores his asexuality in more detail in the future. I think the show did this so well.

Cash's experience isn't every asexual person's experience - it's his experience. The ace experience is a very personal thing and to see it brought to life on screen in such a raw way is SO IMPORTANT.

I LOVE DOUGLAS PIGGOTT WITH MY WHOLE ACE HEART.

#heartbreak high cash #heartbreak high #cash #douglas piggott #cash piggott #ca$h #asexual #asexuality #asexual representation #aspec #asexuality spectrum #graysexual #greysexual #ace spectrum #ace #canon asexual character #darren rivers

[godbirdart]

in what universe is someone going to see a DNI that applies to them and think "this person is definitely someone im going to enjoy following and get along with". do you go on twitter and see nazis saying they hate trans people and decide to follow them out of spite? of course not, and literally nobody else does that either, even on the other side. hell forget DNIs, I get less conservatives in my notifs than I used to just by having they/them pronouns in my bio because they see it and go "ew, I'm not following them". people dont typically follow people theyre clearly not going to feel welcome around, a DNI is just another way to communicate that.

1 - you don't have to Get Along with someone to follow them. people can and will hate-follow or follow to annoy you, block evade, etc out of spite. some people will interact with you just because you told them, or people like them, not to.

2 - your experiences are not universal. nazis, terfs, bigots in general, they can and will follow and harass people they don't like online. this is spoken from my own experience as someone who has seen his transfem friends be followed and harassed by alt-right nut jobs online.

3 - "forget DNIs, I get less conservatives in my notifs than I used to just by having they/them pronouns in my bio" ← you're right. this is effective because the vast majority of people regardless of political stance or belief will only ever read your bio. not many people are going to jump through hyperlinks to read your DNI. if they don't like what they read in your bio, they'll just leave [or possibly harass you, if they're particularly malicious]. ergo, making a DNI is largely just for yourself and not at all a real, useful barrier people must pass through in order to follow / engage with your posts.

no one is stopping you from making a DNI. you can write a terms-of-service length novel of a Do Not Interact list, put it on its own Carrd and make it aesthetic and pretty with flair. you're completely free to do so and tell people to read it. a few will, sure.

however. the post you're referencing is specifically addressing the glaring reality that most people, regardless if they fit your DNI criteria or not, are simply not going to go out of their way to find and read it. abusive people aren't going to see "DNI abusive assholes" and be deterred because they themselves don't consider themselves abusive. this post, particularly what OP wrote, is saying how it's much more proactive to curate your own space through utilizing the block button and tag filters when you see things and people you don't want to engage with instead of trying to impose your personal boundaries on strangers online.

addendum // i don't really care if teens are making DNIs and being aggressively annoying about em. i remember the era of setting weird arbitrary rules in my developing years while i was forming Who I Was as a person. they're figuring out who they are and what their comfort levels are. i get it. it's the grownass adults that are hyper-virulent about DNIs that i worry about - and i'm not talking about when they're trying to establish an adults-only space with a stern "minors DNI".

note: what i'm talking about below, i am Not referring to literally illegal and harmful activities / content. just want to be clear.

now, i'm not saying you have to welcome and embrace the content you don't like, but it's important to challenge yourself and toe your comfort boundaries. if you over-prune yourself trying to be the bestest morally correct person, at some point you're going to start boxing yourself into this narrowed teeny tiny worldview. you may turn into the person you claim to have loathed, imposing personal beliefs and morals on others, and brandishing your DNI like it's a certificate of righteousness; not unlike how conservatives wave around religious scripture while pruning away LGBTQ+ rights because it goes against their morality. a few examples of this are topics such as: kink at pride, and the language discrepancies between the younger and older generations of the LGBTQ+ community - particularly in regards to self-identifying with words such as Queer and Dyke and Transsexual.

i probably derailed a bit here, i'm answering this before my caffeine's fully kicked in. if i vaguely worded something or yall want more elaboration on something, don't hesitate to ask

#welcome to my incoherent mind i suppose #long post #wall of text

[concorp]

MCYT Eras Concept

For a long time, I've thought of MCYT as divided into different eras. I've finally decided to refine the idea and write it out. I feel it's a good way to define things, rather than just "old school" and "modern", as the bar for each of those have shifted drastically over time. Please do note that a lot of how I describe these eras is mostly from my own perspective, but I do think the overall divisions work well for MCYT as a whole!

Era 1 - The "OG" Era (2009 - 2011)

The beginning of Minecraft and MCYT. Much content at this point was traditional lets plays, simple tutorials and showing off early innovations in redstone.

Era 2 - The "Classic" Era (2012 - 2014)

This era encompasses what is often considered the peak of many iconic "old school" groups and series. Team Crafted, Mindcrack, the various Yogscast Tekkit series, and many, many more.

It's difficult to describe everything that made up the classic era in a succinct manner. It was the true rise of SMPs, Adventure Maps, Minecraft Animations, Parodies, Mod Reviews, MCRP, and so, so much more. Minecraft was unavoidable on YouTube back then.

Era 3 - The "Gap" Era (2015 - 2017)

The "gap" era is named for the lull in MCYT's popularity. In this period of time, it was seen more as a niche, compared to the massive popularity it saw before and after.

This era saw the "death", or at least massive dips in popularity to many formerly wildly popular groups and ccs, as viewers interests changed and moved onto other things.

Many series came and went during this era, but weren't properly appreciated until after their time.

Era 4 - The "Revival" Era (2018 - 2019)

This era, due to a combination of many factors, was MCYT's return to mainstream. Many people returned to both singleplayer series and servers. Episodic SMPs old and new such as Hermitcraft and Truly Bedrock, began experimenting more with the lines between gameplay, story and improv.

This era also saw the rise of streaming based series, such as SMPLive, SMPEarth, and Minecraft Monday.

Era 5 - The "Lockdown" Era (2020 - 2022)

Much of this era is defined by the new heights reached during covid lockdowns. This era kicked dozens if not hundreds of the careers of those who grew up watching MCYT during the OG and Classic eras.

This era is admittedly very defined by the DSMP, rocketing MCYT and specifically MCRP into a level of popularity unseen before. Second, and as just as important to this era is MCC, bringing together so many personalities from all over the MCYT sphere who otherwise would likely have never interacted on a monthly basis.

A massive innovation in this era was also the introduction of the Simple Voice Chat mod to many servers, now a staple of most multiplayer content.

Era 6 - The Current Era (2023 - Present)

Unnamed as of yet, as it is still ongoing, the current era of MCYT has so far been defined by not only the continued rise of many smaller, younger MCYTs. But largely, and undoubtedly, by the QSMP.

Not only has it redefined what an SMP can be through its gameplay. It has brought the international MCYT community is closer together now than ever, crossing language and cultural barriers previously rarely touched.

---

This concept of mine isn't fully solidified, and is up to be more refined. I would love to hear y'all's thoughts and feedback about these divisions and the idea overall!

#talking #mcyt #mcytblr #mcyt eras

[judjira]

the bar

tags: fluff, mentions of sex, hookup culture pairing: reader x nayeon after hours wc: 1843 back to masterlist

It’s been a long day. Work or school, whatever it’s been, it’s always such a long day, listening to people talk, talking to people, and just, in general, being around people.

For the most part, it’s easy to just smile and nod, politely excuse yourself for work, and peace out of conversations with no one the wiser.

But for some reason, it was like today, everyone decided that it would be especially nice to engage your antisocial, anxious, and overthinking ass in conversation.

And it is for that reason you decide to go to the bar.

One might think that bars are actually the place to stay away from when one does not want to engage in human conversation, and for the most part, they would be right.

But this is no ordinary bar.

This is your bar.

Your bar, as in, the one bar that would serve as a refuge for souls weary from the taxing everyday of communication, eager for a reprieve from a society that puts such a high importance on conversation.

Yes, a bar where people mind their own fucking business. A speakeasy, to be more specific.

A hidden bar that rarely anyone knows about, hidden behind a bookshelf, a fake wall, a phone booth, or any mundane object that no one would suspect.

It’s only been a few weeks since you’ve discovered it, but it’s become an instant favorite of yours.

You slide past the hidden door of the speakeasy, and instantly breathe in the solitary smell of petrichor, walnuts, and oranges.

Inside, the lighting is a dim tungsten, bare strips of light running across the ceiling, only barely illuminating the small interior, subtle grey cement walls and flooring, light brown furniture, and mahogany bar counters.

There are barely any people. Or rather, the tables are filled, one to two people sitting here and there, but each of them seem to be sectioned off, almost as if a barrier separates them and the rest of the world.

And in a few, you will join them, receding into a world you can call only your own, to rest in a peace that is well deserved.

You slide into a bar stool by the counter, your one spot in the bar that no one else touches, and order a drink. The bartender nods, words barely needed for your exchange, as they prepare your order.

You sigh to the tune of light jazz playing through the speakers of the bar, a light thrum in your bones energizing you enough to enjoy the atmosphere of this lonely bar.

Yes, this bar is special because it is yours, it can only be yours, and you are well within your rights to be alone in it.

But this bar is also special for another reason.

It is here that instead of being forced into the tiring condition of conversation, you take that agency into your own hands.

It is here that, in a world where words are forced upon and from you, you can choose to speak on your own terms.

“Here again, hm?”

And so you do, speaking to the person next to you.

She raises an eyebrow, looks to you, and sighs.

“…surprised?”

The bartender serves you your drink, and you smile at them, taking a sip and redirecting your attention to your seatmate.

“I would’ve expected you to move to another seat, or even find another bar, considering what happened last week.”

The woman sniffs, and makes to leave.

“Maybe I should."

You chuckle.

“Don’t be a buzzkill, Nayeon.”

Nayeon stops in her tracks, takes one more look at you, performs her trademark sigh, and sits back down.

“If I’d known you were this talkative, I would’ve never taken you home with me.”

Last week was a series of firsts. Your first time talking to a stranger in the bar, your first time kissing said stranger in said bar, your first time hooking up with said stranger in their own home.

All things considered, you’re lucky you weren’t murdered.

And all things considered, you’re extremely lucky it was Nayeon who you hooked up with.

“But you did, didn’t you?”

You’re not well-versed in hook up culture, hell, you’re not well-versed in sex at all. It probably isn’t normal to strike up a conversation as casual as this with someone that was only supposed to be a one night stand.

But it’s Nayeon, and you make an exception for her.

“…I’m beginning to regret it.”

Nayeon runs a hand through her hair, sunglasses hooked into her button down shirt, work slacks slightly ruffled, and heels hooking into the bar stool’s legs.

You’d assume she’s an office lady, the way she presents herself with that crisp and clean make up, sharp eyebrows, highlighted yet subtle cheekbones, pure red lipstick. Plus, the office jacket slung over her shoulder pairs exactly with her slacks, the telltale sign of a working professional.

“Are you really?”

You raise an eyebrow, and you mean more than just your question. This is supposed to be a haven, after all, for those unwilling to subject themselves to the woes of extroversion the world is so adamant on pursuing.

If you are bothering Nayeon, then you will stop.

It’s only respectful.

But then Nayeon looks at you, your eyes. Her eyes do not pierce nor penetrate. They touch, slowly, softly, with intention.

Then her lips quirk.

“…jury’s still out on that one.”

And you take that as permission to squeeze your way into Nayeon’s bubble, her closed off section of the world that you believe she barely allows anyone into.

“So, why are you here, Nayeon?”

She takes another sip of her drink, long fingers gently lifting her glass to her lips before setting it down once more.

“That’s what you ask? Not what my job is, or where I’m from, or how much I make?”

The question is posed with the raise of an eyebrow, so smooth and elegant, a trademark, you would assume, of the woman in front of you.

“Do you want me to ask about that? I would assume you don’t.”

When you first entered this bar, she was the first person you saw. The seat you chose for yourself was no mistake or by random. You chose to sit next to this enigmatic, elegant, and eloquent woman.

“You assume a lot. But you’re right. I don’t.”

You take a sip of your drink, fizzy, sweet, strong, or maybe a mix of all three. It buzzes and rings in your mouth, filling your body with a pulse of warmth as it goes down your throat.

“So…why are you in this bar?”

Nayeon hums, and as she does, her manicured finger taps at her chin.

“…I just needed to be somewhere else.”

And with that, you need no further explanation. The way Nayeon’s breath leaves her lips in a sigh that could fill your lungs with the same sense of subtle desperation is something you know all too well.

“Don’t we all?”

Nayeon chuckles at that, a low and deep hum of laughter that you remember hearing, all too close to your ear last week.

“Well, I would assume some people are here to find people to take them home.”

The jab is directed towards you, obviously. After all, it was you who had finally gathered the courage to proposition Nayeon last week.

“What was it you said again? The most beautiful woman you have ever seen and will ever see?”

Perhaps if this were a normal setting, you would blush, take back your embarrassing words inspired by liquid courage, and recede back into your hole of introversion for the rest of your life.

But no, this is your bar.

And this is Nayeon you’re speaking to.

“I don’t think I said anything wrong. Or false, for that matter.”

The laugh rings out, soft as it is, in your ears, through your bones, and down to your blood. Because it is so pleasant, so subdued, so elegant, so…Nayeon.

“Just one sip is enough for you to flirt, hm?”

Nayeon tilts her head, leaning on her hand as her smile forms.

Her smile.

It draws the most poetic of words from you, calling to your soul to speak in ways you’ve never thought you could ever speak.

And it is Nayeon who inspires this.

“For you? I don’t need the drink.”

Then, and only then, do her cheeks color. The most beautiful shade of red that you’ve already seen, flushed and bright, paired with mussed hair and blown out eyes.

The redness of her cheeks is matched only by her sigh, this time not out of exasperation nor stress, but longing and desire.

“A sweet talker, you are. Do you talk to all the women like this?”

Her smile has grown now, and with it, your desire to speak, to claim your voice for your own, to list out the all of the little things that make Nayeon so desirable for you.

“Only the ones I want to keep seeing.”

It is a wonder that Nayeon is able to draw these words from you. Indeed, others have to wrestle any sort of coherent response from you, and even then it glances off, it obfuscates, it dances.

But Nayeon can draw any word from you as one would draw water from a well.

A simple pull, and all the words you could ever hope to form are hers.

“Well…”

Nayeon’s smile turns warm, warmer than you’ve witnessed in the throes of unadulterated passion in the intimacy of her bedroom.

“Any special words for someone who wants to keep seeing you too?”

It is then that you hesitate. No, you’re not used to this kind of life, meeting strangers and having sex with them simply based off of pure physical attraction.

No, if someone is able to pull the words you ache to say so easily from you, then it is only right that they keep receiving these words, outside of what shallow connections your bodies provide.

“…only if they’d allow me to take them out for dinner sometime.”

Your heart beats. A leap of faith. Words that inspire you to wake up and take your voice for your own and for someone you’re willing to give it to.

Nayeon stares for a moment.

It is a moment you think you are falling, back into the lull of forced words and strangled conversations.

“I know a twenty four hour café near here. Good pasta.”

But it is only for a moment.

Because in the next, Nayeon catches you, and every word that comes with you.

You slip your wallet out of your pocket and the money is passed to the bartender. They nod their thanks, eyes drifting between you and Nayeon.

“Shall we?”

Nayeon offers her arm, and in turn, a sanctuary.

“We shall.”

And you take it, entering into her sanctuary.

A place where you, and your words, will always be received, should you choose to give them.

“After a late dinner…my place?”

“I’d love that.”

And you always will.

#after hours #twice fic #twice fanfic #twice imagines #twice x reader #nayeon x reader

[horse-girl-anthy]

Mikage: Boy of the Black Rose

I've long struggled to write about Mikage, who I find to be an intriguing yet elusive character. or rather, his character is understandable--his motives and feelings are communicated clearly enough--but his narrative is one of the most inexplicable in RGU. thinking it over tonight, I put my finger on one aspect of the Black Rose arc which I previously didn't know how to approach: specifically, Mikage's relationship with the Boys of the Black Rose.

the boys act as a kind of collective character, a mass of faceless people who whisper in dark corners. since RGU is about social reality, it often uses extras to deliver exposition or set the mood. the Shadow Girls are meta characters, existing somewhat outside the narrative, but regular schoolgirls at Ohtori can serve a similar purpose. they might demonstrate that Touga and Saionji are considered the hottest boys in school, or gossip about Ruka and Shiori's recent breakup.

the Boys of the Black Rose are slightly different, maybe a little closer to the Shadow Girls. rather than acting as bit characters in the larger world of Ohtori campus, I believe their existence is contigent on Mikage. while this could be put in various ways, in the most straightforward terms, the writers created them to help reflect on Mikage's character.

only one Black Rose Boy is given a face: the first one Mikage (Nemuro) talks to. when Mikage asks not to be called "professor," since they are the same age, the boy replies:

obviously, RGU relies on making its main characters visually distinct from "normal people." Wakaba calls them "special" and resents them. Utena is popular for her specialness, well-liked; in contrast, Mikage is an outcast for his. for a person to be special or a genius, there must be others for them to stand in opposition to. Mikage is set apart from his peers by his pink hair, by his unique uniform, and by being a professor.

after Mikage is introduced to his new work, the boys begin to gossip about him, saying he knows nothing about what's really going on at Ohtori. towards the end of this conversation, there's a shot of Mikage, and then he actually replies from the future to the gossip they were spreading about him.

this is Mikage's eternal reality: his recollection of the past. even during the "present" of Utena's narrative, he is still walking through Nemuro Memorial Hall, which is why it's still standing, unburned. the Boys of the Black Rose that the audience sees are filtered through Mikage's memory; whether or not the boys really said these things about him is ambigous. it's possible, but the important fact is that Mikage believes they did.

this transpersonal mirroring keeps Mikage trapped, unchanging. he feels himself defined as unable to connect with others, so he keeps away from them. this becomes a self-perpetuating cycle, leaving Mikage a total outcast.

even outcasts, however, are members of society. the Boys of the Black Rose actually have more in common with Mikage than the average Ohtori student. they're all scientists working on the same project. they have much of his coldness, sense of superiority, and intellectualism. the main difference is that they're the in-group.

while Mikage believes himself to be emotionless, it's made clear that his social isolation hurts him. he doesn't want to be set apart, but he doesn't know how to break through the barrier between him and others. it's very easy to do a queer reading of the character, given the way this is conveyed to the audience.

Mikage's fixation on Tokiko and Mamiya is easier to undestand with all this in mind. the world he was living in, occupied by the Boys of the Black Rose, was a cold and alienated one. in contrast, Tokiko has genuine passion, caring for her brother deeply. Tokiko's tears move Mikage, allowing his own buried emotions to break through the surface. but she also reinforces his social isolation; he is equally as hurt by her as he is drawn to her.

this is part of why Mikage is so determined to "defeat" Tokiko; she offered him hope of connection, but he was never able to "win" her, as men so often try to do with women.

Mamiya is something else altogether; a boy, like Mikage and the Black Rose Boys, but altogether different. warm, friendly to Mikage, not intimidated by his intelligence or reputation, and insightful. in a show full of characters obsessed with holding on (to the past, to a person, to their self-image), Mamiya is the only one who can see the wisdom in letting go.

Mikage at first is open to Mamiya's words, preparing to call off their quest for eternal life. but like every character who threatens the system in RGU, he is faced with Akio. in a prototype of the later "End of the World" sequences, Mikage comes across the kissing Tokiko and Akio. this proves to be too much for him; there are some things he can't afford to lose.

the scene has significance to Mikage far beyond disappointment in love. he wanted to create a family with Tokiko and Mamiya; marriage to Tokiko would tie them together "forever." if he could be by Tokiko's side as they lost Mamiya, then at least he wouldn't be alone after his death. but if he's only Tokiko's coworker, when their work is done, he's back to being a computer.

in desperation, Mikage plays into Akio's hands. under contract, he sacrifices the Boys of the Black Rose and burns down the hall that bears his name. when justifying himself to Tokiko, he claims that this act will allow them to attain eternity. in the events of the series, he's still at it: installing Mamiya as the Rose Bride will, after all, make him eternal, even though it's the very kind of eternity Mamiya wanted nothing to do with.

Mikage retreats into delusions on feeling the sting of Tokiko's rejection. though he is the one who betrayed her, he turns it around and feels betrayed himself. going even further, he casts Mamiya as the one who set the fire.

the Boys of the Black Rose are also used to emphasize his inability to face his own actions. throughout the arc, the boys are seen pushing coffins around. however, in episode 23, Mikage takes their place right before he is forced to face the truth about himself.

at the end of the arc, Miki claims that no one was hurt in the the fire, contradicting the previous story of Nemuro Memorial Hall. this possibly indicates that the murders are a figment of Mikage's imagination--the older Tokiko doesn't seem to react to him as if he's a murderer. more than anything, he seems guilty of self-denial and retreat from reality. Tokiko went on to accept Mamiya's death and even mourned for Mikage, while he ignored her in favor of his memories. the fact that he does not recognize her feelings is another aspect of his tragedy.

Mikage, through his fruitless revolution, loses the very things he always wanted. he attempts to throw away his past self, the cocoon of Nemuro hatching into the butterfly that is Mikage. with it, he burns away the boys who rejected him, who embodied the cold world he used to live in. he uses their sacrifice to enshrine Mamiya, idealizing him as the perfect companion. but as Ikuhara said, he was doomed to fail from the start:

Those who reject that place are, conversely, rejected by it as well. This is the nature of systems: the moment you reject them, you are forced to realize that they’re the very ground you’re standing on. Mikage noticed the trick behind the system, and he hurriedly attempted revisions. But the adult who’d created the system just said “Let’s not,” and unilaterally brought the curtain down.

the "trick within the system," is, I think, the fact that it's socially constructed. Mikage believed that on realizing this, he could simply remake the world as he wanted. he was allowed to do so for a time, when it was useful. when he ceased to be useful, he was dispatched with, because while he had operated within the system, he was not in control of it. and beneath his delusions, there was still a reality.

Mikage is the true Boy of the Black Rose: the true ghost, the true sacrifice, living in the desiccated world of a preserved flower. throughout the arc, he takes possession of Ohtori students who suffer from the same afflictions as him, and every time Utena defeats one of his duelists, another part of him is exorcised--another Black Rose Boy burned away. in the end, the only thing left of him is the ruin of Nemuro Memorial Hall, shown briefly in the final episode. he graduates at Ohtori, but only after losing absolutely everything. that seems to be the only way to step into adulthood: naked and shivering, like the day we are born.

#rgu #revolutionary girl utena #commentary

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Going Out

Whether you loved, liked, were neutral, or outright hated today’s Step by Step episode, I want to talk about one of my most favorite (and poignant) moments of today’s episode.

This hand holding scene. 

But, wka, there are so many other scenes for you to focus on! You say. But, wka, there were multiple spicy scenes you need to do body language break down on. But, wka, last week you wrote a 20 page deep dive in to Pat’s psyche. Why are you hyperfixating on this four minute sequence???

BECAUSE THE SOCIAL COMMENTARY TEE AND THE REST OF THE PRODUCTION TEAM IS GIVING HERE IS BEAUTIFUL, BRILLIANT, AND LOWKEY MAKING ME EMOTIONAL GODDAMMIT. 

As someone with strong, deeply rooted beliefs in empathy, in connection, in harm reduction, I can firmly and sincerely say there are people who I consider a part of my community, who I care for deeply, who are my friends who are homeless, who are drug users, or who are homeless drug users. And having worked in harm reduction before let me tell you how truly wonderful and enraging it is to provide people basic services and treat them with basic goddamn dignity and respect and how genuinely surprised, uncertain, or overjoyed my unhoused and/or drug using loved ones are to have someone who actually cares about them. 

SO, I present those pre-emptive thoughts and personal background as proof of concept for what I am about to glean from this whole scene. 

The scene transitions from flirting to community service when Jeng asks Pat if he wants to come with him to give food to the homeless, and I don’t remember this but @bengiyo did but this is something Jeng has been doing since Episode 1, and it shows in the reception Jeng receives when he arrives to this spot under the bridge.

The people who live here know Jeng, the people who live here like Jeng, he comes here often enough that he has established a rapport with their community and it is so so wonderful for me to see this nepo baby raised on rich bitch juice feeling comfortable and at ease with a group of people that society (at least Western society) almost always ignores, belittles, or downright dehumanizes. 

And if I wasn’t already impressed with how Jeng and Step by Step as a whole was handling its portrayal of cultivated relationships with unhoused people, Jeng takes this even further, when he hands the woman the rest of the food bags: 

Now, this is a brief scene and we don’t get a lot of information at all about the people who are living here, but in my mind, or rather the indication I have for this interaction is that Jeng has identified a community pillar, trusts that community member, and is recognizing and valuing the autonomy of the community to distribute the rest of the resources they have been given. 

Most everyone Jeng handed food to wandered off and went about their night, leaving Jeng and Pat alone to sit and talk. Under a bridge. With homeless people nearby. Rather than leave. This is SO IMPORTANT TO ME. It is SO SO SO important to me that Jeng and Pat don’t just show up, hand out food, and immediately return to Jeng’s fancy car to drive back to Jeng’s fancy condo but that they stay and they talk here under the bridge, maintaining a respectful distance since Jeng and the rest of the people in this scene do not appear to have built a strong enough relationship to join them directly, but sharing space nevertheless.

(I will not talk about barriers, I will not talk about barriers, I absolutely, positively will not talk about how Jeng has spent most of the show with a vertical line between him and Pat, and Put spent most of Episode 7 with vertical lines keeping him out of Pat’s world, and now that Pat and Jeng are an item, they are sitting together inside double barriers, boxing themselves in having a discussion on cruelty because they are still in the phase of their relationship where the two of them are in their own little world and hiding from the world at lar... FUCK I talked about the barriers) 

ANYWAY, I absolutely will not talk any more about the barriers and will instead begin my descent into madness in the form of The Proffering of the Hand. 

The build up to this moment starts when Jeng and Pat settle down to talk. They are sitting as close together as they can be without physically touching, they are openly flirting, they are making prolonged eye contact. Basically, they are being very obviously gooey, and the community member who appears to be the closest to Jeng (this is the person who hugged Jeng when he arrived) comes up to him and Pat, and points out the drawing that he made and the similarities he sees between that drawing and the two of them. 

The drawing is two stick figures of an undetermined gender (or if you want to read it this way, of a visually similar build [ie both people have triangle chests and short hair, no obvious breast tissue, no differentiation in color, they their faces are a little different but they are nearly identical] so you could call this a drawing of a same sex couple and it wouldn’t be wildly off-base, especially not with the original artist here telling Jeng and Pat they look like the drawing). For the sake of making me feel even stronger about my love for this scene, lets say this is a drawing of a same sex couple. 

Now the two lines this person says to Jeng and Pat are particularly striking to me: 

“This picture was drawn by me, you look the same” 

“It looks like us.”

Both of these lines are said by the artist. You can interpret that “it looks like us” line however you want to, but baby that’s queer to me. 

The artist walks away, leaving Jeng smiling softly to himself, thinking about it for approximately three seconds and then proffering his hand. 

Now, Jeng and Pat have not…how you say….been particularly careful about maintaining appropriate distances from each other anywhere since they started jumping each other for sport, but the touches they give to each other in the workplace are secret, are hidden. Hands held between them on the computer in a cubicle where no one can see, arms pressed up against each other so they can be mistaken for just being cramped, footsie under the table away from prying eyes. 

Here, now, is the first time since they got together that Jeng overtly, publicly extends a hand to Pat in a move that cannot be mistaken as anything but romantic. Pat is, rightfully all things considered, a little apprehensive. 

“What is it?” he asks “It’s like the picture that he drew,” with a smile and a soft nod to his hand.

Pat’s brow furrows, he looks to his right, where the people they visited are sitting, he looks to the left his eyes scanning for any other potential witnesses. Pat, who has been the person consistently approaching this relationship with the most caution, is initially hesitant to take Jeng’s hand; Is initially hesitant to confirm their relationship to one another with other people around. 

“No, people will see”

“No one will see” Jeng says, and I want to make it clear here that this is not a situation where Jeng is saying that the unhoused folks sitting nearby aren’t people. 

I interpret it more as there is no one around who would be unsafe for us to be visible to. 

Pat takes Jeng’s hand. Right here, out in the open, with people around him, he takes Pat’s hand in his outside of their houses, outside of Jeng’s car, outside. Outside. OUTSIDE. 

So why is this such a monumental occasion for me? 

I feel like I always say this, so eventually I have to make it happen, that I need to familiarize myself more with Thai social issues, because  I don’t know much about Thai homelessness, and which populations of people are disproportionately represented there. So when I saw this scene, the only way I could approach it was with a Western lens. And  I am comfortable running with my thoughts here using that Western lens because Pat references American homelessness in his conversion with Jeng. 

Which means, dear readers…

The first thing that came to mind for me when Jeng and Pat were visibly queer here was the disproportionate rates of homelessness in the queer community in the United States. 

Let me give you some quick (and very unfun) stats about homelessness and queerness in the United States:

40% of homeless youth are queer

Queer youth are 120% more likely to experience homelessness than non-queer youth 

In one survey, researchers found: 

8% of transgender adults surveyed had experienced homelessness in the past 12 months

3% of cisgender queer adults surveyed had experienced homelessness in the past 12 months 

1% of cisgender heterosexual adults surveyed had experienced homelessness in the past 12 months. 

All this to say, that there are close ties between queer people and homelessness. 

And there is something extremely, extremely powerful in Tee and co. recognizing and affirming that queer people can be safer sharing space with homeless people than they might be sharing space with salarymen at a corporate office. 

For a number of reasons, Pat and Jeng cannot come out at the office, even if that closet is glass. In huge part because a boss and subordinate relationship is a gross imbalance of power, but also because homophobia is rampant in that office. We saw it all the way in the beginning of the show, when Pat was asked if he was a top or bottom. We see it now, when Pat is overhearing his colleagues, his coworkers, that spent the beginning of his time at this office exploiting him to do their labor, saying awful, gross, disgusting shit about him and to him. 

“I didn’t think he’d be working on his knees” 

“Lick until you get your bonus”  These are things Pat is seeing, Pat is hearing in this place full of “people contributing to the betterment of society”, people who have stable housing, and cash to spare, and food to eat. People who aren’t looked down upon by society, people who reflect society’s current ideals and mindsets. The other queer people in the office clocked Jeng immediately, but Pat didn’t and neither did any of the straight employees in the office until Pat and Jeng started hanging around

each other more unable to turn off their heart eyes. Because Jeng is in a position of power, he dresses in traditionally professional clothing every day. Collared shirt of mild color, suit, tie, brown loafers. Compare him to Chot or Pat and you can see how Jeng blends in as straight to people who aren’t trained to clock that shit. Look at Jeng when he’s out of the office and hanging out around Pat, he is in denim, he is in white tank tops, he is wearing a chain. Jeng is putting armor on when he goes to the office. Pat and Chot don’t have that luxury. 

And as a result, Pat and Jeng can only be out and open at home. Until now. Until this moment.

Step by Step definitively established in this one scene, in under FOUR MINUTES that Jeng and Pat, two queer men were made to feel comfortable enough and free enough in this place in this space around people who are often villainized, who are often deprived of human rights, people who are often seen as deserving of their poverty and the treatment they get from others as a result, people who are frequently spoken about as being a negative impact on society (WHICH IS BULLSHIT BY THE WAY HOLY FU- *I am forcibly removed from my pedestal*) because queer people are often villainized, deprived of human rights, seen as deserving of the terrible treatment that they get, and are frequently spoken about as being a negative impact on society. 

And considering the statistics on how many homeless youth are queer, there is something to be said for the way the person who appears the youngest, or who at least is acting the youngest, is the person who initiates the interaction that signals to Jeng that they are safe here. That helps Jeng and Pat realize they can engage in a public display of affection here amongst people who understand. 

And that is one hell of a fucking statement to make if I do say so myself. 

Side Note 1: I was already leaning towards this show being a For, By, and About Queers show. This scene solidified that for me. 

Side Note 2: I am thinking about the BL trope of the BL Bridge, I think this was something that @absolutebl wrote about once, but please correct me if I am wrong. If you are new to BL or otherwise unfamiliar with the trope, it is essentially just a repeated theme in multiple BL shows where one of the couples kisses in front of famous bridges in Bangkok. It is notable that in a show like this that is For, By, and About Queers (and boy do I have more thoughts on when and where and how the connection between Jeng and Pat deepens over the last couple episodes in relation to the workplace and homophobia (see @bengiyo’s quick thoughts which will hopefully become bigger thoughts on queer people and corporate culture)) that Jeng and Pat’s first openly public display of affection happens not on the surface, not lit up by bridge lights, not where the whole world can see them. But underneath a bridge, hidden away with the rest of the people that society has shunned, looked down upon, dehumanized, ignored, and failed to support. 

(tagging @neuroticbookworm who is waiting patiently and @waitmyturtles because if I know one person on this website who is gonna add something incredible to a discussion of homelessness in this scene, it's gonna be my bestie.)

#yall better fucking cry at this one cause I almost cried writing it #step by step #step by step the series #step by step episode 10 #tee bundit #patjeng #jengpat #manben #benman #jeng x pat #pat x jeng #chot x krit #ben bunyapol #man trisanu #bruce sirikorn #dee hup house #i am DEEP in my feelings tonight yall #and now i collapse in to bed because it is *way* past my bedtime #homelessness

[regular-gnome]

do the archivists speak dutch?? lmao. now im curious how their names would translate

Iiiits more that I speak dutch and gave the twins nicknames not really expecting anyone to ask about them:P and found it funny to consider they would rather make nicknames from numbers than decide on individual name

But as for the translation of the titles, Dutch and English are from the same language family, so they sound pretty similar, with only really two names being different. Anatomist would translate to Anatoom and Wayfarer to Reiziger; Architect and Curator are the same in both languages. In the ofical translation of the series, the name for Collector wasn't changed, anddd with all my love for Dutch, I think its better than Verzamelaar

On how everyone experiences languages, my take is that on the Isles, there is a variation of some common language with different dialects between islands that can be understood universally. With societies divided by the sea, it's a great environment for the language to differentiate, but there are Titans that are able to walk between them and communicate with, and since they are a very important part of the cultures, the language would reflect that. After the titans were gone gaps were closed by sea voyage. At least, that's how I would explain why witches from the Boiling Isles and Titan Trapper Island understood each other. Titans have their own language too, which is separate from the common tongue, but they only use it among themselves.

As for Archivists, they travel between a lot of places that don't really share a tonge or planet but still somehow communicate with mortal beings. My take on that is pretty generic: they have a magic that allows for it. In the encode-decode model of communication, it's like a spell that covers code and channel parts. The exact wording doesn't matter that much, the meaning is received. It's a bit like reading a book in another language or watching a show; sometimes you don't remember in which language it was or wording, but you still remember the information conveyed

For the comic format, language barriers don't play a very big role, mostly because everything takes place in a pretty small territory and because I write everything in English to avoid confusion:P

#If the story was written in polish there would be some sweet kaszubski and śląski incorporated #my brain just went with Titans speak something like Interslavic and diffrent islands are the slavic languages but do not take it to heartxD #ask #the owl house #titan trappers #toh titans #toh archivists

[johannestevans]

Okay so similarly to last anon about topping as a trans guy/trans masc, how do you build the confidence within yourself to top someone with a penis? Cause my partner is super kind and willing to let me learn but I struggle with my own mental barrier of lime not being "manly" enough or confident enough for topping. I know a lot of it is internalized transphobia but I just wasn't sure if you had any past experiences that helped you over come that or other fears surrounding newness and such.

my directory of work / / tip jar

That sounds like a tough set of feelings that are all mixed up together!

I'm gonna unpack some gender stuff and ungendering things first, and then specifically get onto feelings of masculinity, because I think those are two separate mental processes that are (understandably) tangled up.

Before I go on, though, there's a lot of thoughts and exercises I'm going through in this essay, and I just want to say that more valuable than anything I'm about to say re: your sexual relationship with your partner, is to talk to them.

]Everything below is ontological gender thoughts and then feelings about your own confidence and masculinity, but given that the important thing here is your sexual chemistry and dynamic and relationship while the two of you fuck, their feelings and thoughts might well be super valuable here!

Even if you just say, "Hey, I asked this pretty writer fag for advice because I've been feeling these feelings and it's been tough for me, would you also like to read what he said?", that might be very helpful and valuable!

All these big feelings and big problems often feel less big when we share them with those we love and are intimate with. A problem shared is a problem halved - an insecurity shared with a trusted someone is one that can be soothed and be specifically treated with gentle gloves. If your partner doesn't know about it, they can't do that!

Anyway, on to me talking too much:

Me and my boyfriend were at a kink event yesterday that was very straight-dominated, and one thing that sort of occurred to us that we don't tend to think about, because we're not really in community with cishets and their sexual culture, is that for a lot of cishets, "pegging" - a cis man being penetrated with a strap-on, by a woman or by someone else without a cock, is in itself considered a kink.

And Lewis was like, "And that's ridiculous because it's just like... It's the woman topping. It's not special or important because it's just two people in a relationship and she's the one topping, but because they're straight, it becomes about him being humiliated and her dominating him when it's literally just normal."

And he's obviously right, like...

People often assume that in a sexual dynamic:

the top = the dominant partner = the more masculine partner

the bottom = the submissive partner = the more feminine partner

But the act of topping or bottoming (which I'm using in this context to refer to someone being the penetrating or penetrated partner, although "top" and "bottom" are often used to refer to a partner acting versus a partner acted upon, which is explored and discussed a lot in this glorious piece, Top or Bottom: How do we desire? from The New Inquiry a few years ago) is not in itself an act of domination or submission.

You mention not being confident enough to top, and link that confidence with your masculinity - do you think of topping as an inherently more confident act than bottoming? Is there a certain security you associate with topping, or a certain certainty of thought or intention, that you might not ascribe to bottoming, because you think of bottoming as passive and topping as active?

To be penetrated is not to be subjugated, nor is penetration in itself an act of subjugation, or emasculation, or even domination.

But while we still think of penetration as domination, we automatically association that act of domination with masculinity, with butchness, with being (as in the essay) the brute, with being the actor upon the acted, with being the "active" (as opposed to passive) partner, etc, because in cishetero ideals of sex, sex is something done by the man to the woman.

But you know trans girls that top, do you not? Whether that's them fucking boys or girls or other people entirely, there are trans woman who top. They are not less feminine for doing so, they're certainly not less womanly.

And you know cis men that bottom, yes? And not just twinky, effete, fairy boys who are fruity with lisps and grabbable hips and pretty eyes - there are big, hypermasculine butch men with glistening muscles and thatches of thick hair on their tits who just stepped out of a Tom of Finland poster who love to be fucked. It might well be those ethereal fairy boys who are doing the fucking.

Perhaps they like to be bent over and fucked - perhaps they like to lie back and cup the faces of their partner and coax them into fucking him, smiling sweetly, saying, "That's it, come into me, you're doing so well, yes," and treating it as an act of love and tenderness, but also, one in which he is still undeniably in control and the dominant party, but not by way of typical masculine, patriarchal performance. It can be anything it wants to be, depending on what the parties involved are intending, what they're thinking, feeling.

What the fucking signifies and what it means is in the eye of the fucker.

Is a cis woman topping her cis man boyfriend masculine? Is she actually taking away his masculinity, or is she having any for her own? Is she less or more feminine because she uses a strap-on? Is it more or less so if it's matched to the colour of her flesh?

What if it's pink?

And all of what I've just said really assumes a binary of tenders, of the transfeminine and transmasculine as extensions of the cisfeminine and cismasculine, as parallels of their gender thinking that in themselves are, you know, constructed by the dominant culture - white Western imperial culture, where that binary was constructed and where those boxes exist to oppress and to control, through a flimsy defence of "biology" and also through constructed social roles.

How much do you believe in that stuff?

Play it out as a mental exercise - make a list (you don't have to write it down, you can just think about it in your head) of the sex acts you and your current partner do together, and the sex acts you've done with other partners, and other sex acts that you've dreamed about or fantasised about, and ask yourself...

Do I think of this sex act as more masculine or feminine or is it gender-neutral, or do I think it's genderfucky in some way? If it's genderfucky, in what ways is it genderfucky?

Is it genderfucky because it particularly adheres to or particularly subverts certain gender roles in or outside of the bedroom? Is it genderfucky because it exists in some way outside of the gender binary for you, whether that makes it genderless or genderful, or abstracts it to some entirely different kinds of gender?

For example, if a cisgender man is penetrated by someone else's homegrown cock, how does that feel, genderwise? What if it's someone else's cock as a strap-on? Does the colour or consistency or size of that cock matter in the equation? What if the person penetrating him is an android, and their cock is part of their body, but it's metal or silicon or otherwise matched to their robotic body? What if the person penetrating him is someone who's had a phalloplasty, and their penis was made via surgery and a cool skin graft from their arm? What if it's a fantasy universe where the person did have a clitoris, but they drank a potion and it turned into an average or more-sized typical cock? What if the person penetrating the man is a tentacle monster or some other kind of alien creature, and they do not conform with the bipedal constraint of the human form?

What if all of that is the same, but the cisgender man being penetrated is now a transgender man? What if all this happens to a transgender woman? What if all this happens to a cisgender woman? What if all that happens to a nonbinary person?

If that nonbinary person was assigned female at birth, or if they were assigned male at birth, does that change your feelngs or your assumptions? Why? If that person has had different surgeries of their own - phalloplasties or vaginoplasties, penectomies or mastectomies, metoidioplasties, or any other kind of genital reconstructive surgeries? Does that change anything?

And that's just the act of penetration, but you can think of any other kind of act that you do during sex or as a lead up to sex - kissing, massage, biting, frotting, using a vibrator, nipple play, spanking, dressing up, etc etc. How does gender play into it? What are you gendering, and what are you not gendering? What about the language you use? Say, calling a cis man's chest his tits or boobies or breasts or his mommy milkers, but calling a cis woman's chest her pecs or her chest, or even her man boobs?

What acts do you see as adhered to specific gender identities or presentations or ideas of gender, and which acts are more flexible or unattached? Why are they different? What makes them different?

So that's part one of this, yes?

And all of that is. A lot of thinking and a lot of ruminating, and by no means am I saying you have to sit down and get it all done tonight like it's homework due tomorrow - that's more a set of thoughts and ideas that you can start unpacking as they come to you? As you think of new things, you can play with those thoughts and unpack them, and compare them and contrast them to each other, and see how much actively thinking about and deconstructing them in your head changes your feelings about them - and how much your feelings stay the same.

No matter what thoughts come up as you go through this, no matter what biases you find you have, or thoughts you find that you don't agree with once you start examining them, that is okay. There is nothing wrong or bad about how you think or feel.

None of the above is intended to lecture you, none of the above is intended to make you feel bad or insecure or like you've done wrong by having different thoughts or feelings about the different genders of things.

You have not transgressed by holding a bias, or by thinking of a sex act as masc or fem rather than neutral, or anything similar.

You have not transgressed. You have not sinned. You have thought thought bad thoughts, and subsequently are a bad person, or a bad queer, or a bad trans person.

This business of unpacking and untangling gender and sexuality from specific sex acts, of ungendering things or adjusting our lenses of gender, is hard and difficult and complicated work. Many thousands of essays have been written on this subject by other queer people, by BIPOC, by disabled people, by trans people, by intersex people, by everyone who has not been written into the constructed white imperial gender binary and its associated ideals of sex (which themselves have been escalated and fine-tuned and commercialised because of capitalism and other forms of white cultural supremacy), because it is hard and difficult to do. Because these are things we all have to unlearn, which is difficult!

A lot of these feelings, when we start unpacking them, cause us pain and make us feel discomfort, nausea, dysphoria, shame, uncertainty, fear.

They make us feel that way because by our existence, we are transgressing - because we exist in the way that we do, outside of this constructed binary (and unwilling or unable to conform to it, or at least feign / perform conformity), we disrupt it and we break its rules and we twist it and we bend it. Simply by being, we do those things.

And then when we start to look inward and really start doing that work, it can feel insurmountable and impossible and agonising, because how are we to unpick a framework which we've been sewn into our whole lives? How can we unpick our threads from a tapestry when we're sewn into it with surgical thread?

It's not our fault. It's not your fault or my fault, it is not our partners' faults, it's not even our parents' fault or our teachers' fault or any individuals' fault.

But it's a process.

So. Coming away from the broader thought exercises and zeroing in on your personal feelings about your own body, your own gender, your own role during sex.

How do you feel more manly? How do you feel more confident? How do you get past that barrier and feel "ready" to top?

If you want to top while feeling in control...

Does your partner normally top you? What positions do they usually top you in? Are there any positions they top you in that make you feel more vulnerable in some way, more controlled by them, in a way that you enjoy? Do you think that using those positions, you would then feel more like you're in control?

Would you feel more confident, for example, topping doggy style rather than in missionary?

Have you considered fingering your partner first and penetrating them not while fucking them, but during some other activity? So, blowing them while also fingering them, or using toys on them? Using a vibrator or a dildo on them while giving them a handjob? Even watching them fuck themselves on a vibrator or dildo while you give instructions - so not touching them or moving them down on it, but they only move as instructed by you?

All of those are playing with you being in control and dominating while they're also being penetrated, but is not necessarily topping them while fucking them with your own cock - you can use them to ease yourself more into the mental role or more of the confidence of what you want, rather than plunging directly in (pun intended).

There's roleplay, where you could play out a specific fantasy or wear a particular costume or outfit or something similar, that lets you feel more or at your most manly and confident, so that it's easy to really lean into a butch persona if that doesn't normally come naturally to you?

If you think you'd be more confident topping while ceding some control, have you thought about different positions for that? For example, you lying back and your partner riding you, and easing themselves down onto you?

Or you topping them while they instruct you exactly how to move, or you're being guided by them, acting more in the service top area?

Another option is double-ended dildos! I'm not sure how comfortable you are bottoming or being penetrated, but if you do enjoy such things, a double-ended dildo means neither of you are topping, but you're both bottoming, and that can be somewhere interesting to start that's focused on the sensation and experience together.

All of the above you can then use to transition into topping your partner more the way you first envisioned, or first fantasied about.

Sorry that's a lot to chew on, Anon, but I hope it helps and I wish you love and luck! Like I said to the other guy that asked about topping, so much of this is like...

Because it's new and because you haven't done it before, it can feel like it's a huge and impossible thing, and then once you do do it, a lot of that mystique and that sense of infinity (infinite things that can go right, infinite things that can go wrong, infinite emotions one way or the other) fades away a bit!

#musings #anonymous #transmasculinity #topping #gender #long post for ts