mellow-worlds

[mellow-worlds]

I haven't eaten in 12 hours. Before that I didn't eat in 62 hours. Before that I didn't eat in 42 hours. I won't eat for another 18 hours.

It's exciting, thinking about how little I've eaten. And it's exciting seeing the number on the scale drop. I really, really enjoy that. But it's just waterweight so I'll have to keep going.

I've eaten a little more than 600 kcals this morning. Yeah, I started logging calories again and I'm SO glad I did. I felt really weird when eating. I felt jittery. It makes me feel like I could've kept on going longer. I want to never eat again but this is not sustainable. I like not even feeling hungry. Which I am rn but yk, I felt weirdly not hungry during the last fast.

I'm so excited!

Yesterday evening when laying in bed L said that my body is so cold because I don't consume enough calories to keep myself warm. He's said that maybe 2 times before. He also said that he thinks I have a really great body and that he never thought I was too fat and that I could eat however much I wanted without even worrying, well, up to a certain point because then I'd probably die, he said. He was really sweet! And in the kitchen this morning he said that other girls are probably jealous, well, they'd be if they knew what great hips I have. It's so sweet of him! And I feel bad for like idk feeling this way, still, wanting to be impossibly skinny. And idk what is prompting me to be like that. GEnerally my life is good. I'm doing ok at uni and I am meeting my friends a lot and I'm seeing L and I love him and I think he loves me. Somehow, whenever I'm alone, I feel very sad. I feel very low and I feel tired, and I don't ever really know what to do because I don't feel like doing anything.

I love thinking about how sweet L is. It feels like I never know what to do with myself when I'm not with L.

I'm really cold and I'm wearing 3 upper layers and the heater is on. Anyway, I should go exervise and then shower. I will. Hopefully. Really I just want to lay in bed.

I drew a little today. It keeps me from thinking about food and like I said, I was kinda hungry today. Still am. Am freezing. I can't wait for being warm in summer. I like being cold though, it makes me think about the extra calories I'm burning. One can die from staying in 30°C water for too long. I don't even want to die rn, I don't think. Thinking about L keeps me from wanting to die.

I tihnk we're in a really good place in our relationship. Yesterday the s*x was really good. He actually choked me while doing it. Later we switched roles. I still feel weird afterwards. But it's fine! He really seems to like it. And I really like it when he's aggressive with me.

Oh btw I wore the greatest outfit yesterday to the jazzclub. LOVED IT. Anyway byeee I'll workout now

[mellow-worlds]

I'M NOT BROKEN; I'M NOT BROKEN!!!

Maybe it's enough at first to simply look at my thoughs. Observe them. Change will come later. I'll observe what makes me happy and what doesn't, what makes me angry or sad or tired or excited.

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate" - Carl Jung

Relable: Detect urge/thought and lable it as what it is. Does it manifest as an imperative need? (Do I need to do this?)

Reattribute: Detect where thought is coming from: my brain. Separate self from thoughts and feelings. You are a patient and compassionate observer.

Refocus: Use replacement activity. Reading, drawing, walking, loving.

Revalue: It's ok I'm not doing activity I formerly felt the need to do because it's actually not that good for me. My brain thinks it was, and I miss it, but it's not worth it. It's not useful for me anymore. It actually damages me and my relationships, now.

Recreate: Life until now has created me. I now create my life. I choose a different life. What kind of a life should that be? What are my values? What do I care about? How do I want to be? I honor my own creativity regarding how I want things to be. Effects might not be immediate, but effective.

[mellow-worlds]

I should concentrate on what could be. It's ok if I have setbacks.

Yesterday we talked a little. He said he doesn't want to treat me like dirt either, because I said I didn't want to treat him like that, except when he gets horny enough. And it stung a little, hearing him say he does want to treat me like that. But it's nice to know that it's not a general feeling, just to relieve tension or however you can justify kinks like that.

Yesterday morning he did treat me like that. It was fine, though, because we talked about it in the evening. But right after I did feel terrible. And I cried a little while laying next to him in bed, him watching videos and me barely moving. I had really bad thoughts. But we fell asleep and afterwards, everything was very nice. He treated me lovely. And like I said, we talked.

Yesterday he said he'd succumb to my every will. I said I didn't want that and no, and he said I don't have a will. He said I need to develop one. I said that if he has a will, he shouldn't throw it away. Actually, did I say that? I can't remember. But I did think it.

Anyway. It's true, I find comfort in sadness. It's how I've felt my entire life. Yesterday, I kept thinking that my entire life is just a lead up to me killing myself. And I looked at him and I got butterflies thinking I don't deserve him. And I thought I don't deserve to walk, to move, to feel, to breathe, to talk, nothing good ever came from it. Maybe that's not true? I'm not the best person, but ok things have come from me. I like some of the things I write and I like being nice to people and I like smiling for people. Even if, I find the classification of good and bad stupid. Even if nothing "good" ever acme from me, who's to judge? Who's to say that's what'd give me a right to exist? What entails a right to exist? Don't we all have it? No one can take that away from me.

I should try to get better and I am. Because L was so considerate yesterday. He told me lots of nice things and how he thinks I've already improved. I don't really think I have improved because of my setbacks, but I'm more fine with existing. I should just let myself live. I kind of am still afraid of opening up to people and showing myself because I am so scared of judgement, but that just means I have to become more sure of myself and be cooler, be someone I want to be.

L told me I should care less about how I come across, and he's right. He used to worry about that a lot as well. He's been very open to me about stuff like that. One day I'll be able to be more open about the thoughts I currently have to him, but rn it'd just make him worried. Yesterday I made the slightest allusion of me wishing to die, a minor joke about my head being cut off and he said it's not funny at all, and told me to stop and idk, he was worried. IOt was sweet of him and I hugged him. He is very considerate, I just don't always write about it, because I use this blog to air my negative emotions, so really, I do think he's the sweetest and I do appreciate him sooooo much.

Recently we had a minor fight. It was more a pretend fight from his pov but I didn't understand that and both of us kept insisting. I told him I had a bad time and asked him what my takeaway from this should be. He told me why he kept insisting and that he himself didn't know how seriously he was being with his arguments, and we both helped eachother understand the other one's pov. It was nice. And he said it was nice that I stood up for myself. :) It's true. I like to think it was selfish of me, but no. I need to function in this relationship as much as he does and if we can avoid situations that make either of us feel uncomfortable then we should avoid them. It wasn't really a fight. We weren't mad at eachother and we talked about it immediately. It was nice, talking about it.

He said he loves me twice yesterday :) <3

[mellow-worlds]

I yearn for love so much that I can't let people know I'm unloveable. I try my best to pretend I am and I act like it and I laugh and I try and I smile and I love them, I love everyone so much, they just can't love me because this world holds no love for me.

Life is beautiful but I'm not, I don't belong in life. I don't belong in life. I can only give love I can't receive it, so all I can do is to service myself to humanity. The desires of my own don't matter so I'll surrender myself to everyone else's will. Who cares? Who cares about me? I can only care about others. Nobody cares about me. I should be gone but since I'm not, the least I could do is TRY not to be a nuisance. In the end, everyone will hate me. After all, what's not to hate? What's to love? I'm just selfish enough that I try to convince people I actually am loveable. But I'm not, it's a ruse, it's a ruse, I'm a ruse, I don't exist, I don't exist, I only hurt. I love and I hurt, I love and I hurt.

There's no kindness anyone should show me. I get butterflies in my stomach thinking about the tiny instances he acts dismissive towards me (without any ill intent) because I know that's how everyone should treat me,, they're just too kind to admit how much they hate me because that is not a kind thing to do, but they should, they should, they should. Everyone should step on me and command me around and kill me and burn me and strangle me and hang me and impail me and eat me and destroy me and abuse me and abuse me.

L said he doesn't want to take advantage of me, that he doesn't just want to use me. But that's what I exist for, I am a toy he will eventually get bored of but in the meantime I'm here, at his service, and he can treat me any way he wants. Because even if I had feelings, it doesn't matter, I'm just a toy, I'm just a toy, a wind up toy who sometimes is broken but tries its best. Gosh. He should abuse me. I want him to abuse me. It's what I deserve. I'm getting goose bumps. I want to smile for him regardless, I want to thank him, for being the best thing that ever happened to me. I want to smile for him I want to laugh for him and I just want to be held by him. I'll do whatever he wants and I'll think of nice things to do for him he won't even notice, and one day I'll die of neglect, I'll die because I've served out, because I finished my duty, because he then will move on to more interesting things, better things, things that aren't half-dead already. I'll try my best to last as long as possible, and I'm terrified of the day I lose my use to the world, the day I truly and utterly become useless. I am worthless already, but right now I can live off the illusion I might serve some sort of purpose to some people, to some people, to very few people, if anyone at all.

I'll smile for you, I promise, I'll smile for everyone. I'll find the beauty in everything, and I'm sorry you're wasting your time in trying to find the beauty in me, but until then, until you find out, I'll smile for you.

ROAR's music is so soothing. It makes me feel happy. Thinking about seeing L again in less than an hour makes me feel happy. I don't deserve to feel happy, but I'll do it anyway, I'll do it for you. The song "Fading Kitten Syndrome" feels like a warm hug, it feels like the hugs you're kind enough to give me as I so greedily take every opportunity to feel your warm, body against mine, as I so greedily take every opportunity to pretend you could love me. That's why I rest so composedly on your chest, that's why I bury my nose deep in your sweater, to pretend I don't exist because all I feel is you.

[mellow-worlds]

I want to kms so bad Or I want him to kill me both would be good Im just so sad Idk what to do Nobody knows how sad I really am, not even him, and he's the closest person to knowing even anything He probably doesn't think about my sadness Nobody cares And it doesn't really matter One day he'll break up w me cuz there's no reason for him to be with me in the first place. And then I'll kms and that's the end of the story, Nobody will miss me, and most of my friends prolly won't even notice anything It'd be a happy ending I get to die with the knowledge I'll never burden anybody anymore and everyone gets to be free of me forever It's interesting though, 2 days ago I wanted him to kill me and now I want to go quietly and alone I mean I still want him to kill me But now idk I'm currently crying a little thinking about how Nobody knows about my pain and how much I hurt all my life and how little I've got to show fir it, how little I am And how Nobody will miss me and how I'm sorry to be such a burden to everyone and how I'm sorry I drag people into my sickness without their consent, mostly L, I'm sorry I didn't kms earlier, originally I wanted to habe been dead 4 months ago, I could've been dead 4 months ago

I'm sorry I have to burden all of these people, they're do amazing and I'm so selfish I get all up there in everybody's life's and act like I'm normal when in reality it want to die I'm looking forward to seeing L again and I'm nervous about the other people coming here, too Because I'm scared of literally everything I'm always scared I'm always scared How they didn't care it made me nervous goes to show how little I matter bc I know they don't have any I'll intents, I just don't matter and as always u was just being selfish and an asshole so I should just stop being one, I should stop bring I should stop being I should stop being I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I am like this I'm so sorry you deserve better you deserve better you deserve better I should die I should did you deserve the world and I'm sorry instead you got nothing I'm sorry I'm nothing I'm sorry I'm nothing I'm sorry umbsorry I'm sorry I can't do this anymore I'm sirru

[mellow-worlds]

from like 2 days ago

I want him to hurt me. Physically and mentally. I want him to hurt me so bad. I want to cuddle with him, just lay on him, and then he should start to kiss me and then throw me on the ground and beat me and hurt me until I bleed, and then he should choke me until I repeatedly fall unconscious and then throw me out the window so I'll bleed out on the pavement. I want him to kill me. And I want to tell him but I don't want to ruin our relationship. I don't want to turn him off and I don't want him to know how sick in the head I really am. I want him to crush me, apply so much pressure my ribs will fracture and puncture my lungs. I want to feel his weight and die because he wants me to. I deserve to feel pain. I deserve to die in pain. I deserve to cry. I want to tell him about this but I'm afraid. He should adorn my back with scars. He should slice my skin with knives until there's no skin left. I want to feel pain. I want to feel how he clutches his teeth when he chokes me. I want to feel that he hates me because I am hurting and I don't want to stop.

Could I be saved? Could I get better? Rn i don't want to, and i dont think i could. As a kid they sent me to rge psychologist. Idk if it ever did anything. I think I always hated myself. I think that's why I like to be in pain, and ehy I get butterflies when something reminds me of how worthless I am. How I wish to hear those words out if his mouth. Useless, worthless, ugly. Stupid. That's all I am, that's all I am. And I want him to tell me. I want him to say words so hurtful they'd be enough to kill me on their own. I love suffering almost as much as I love him. Gosh, what's wrong with me? I want him to kill me. Repeatedly bang my head against the floor until my brain spills out. I want him to hit me with branches until my skin can't hold in my blood anymore. I want him to choke me so hard I drift away again into unconsciousness like that one time, but I want to stay there. I want him yo keep holding my neck long after im dead. I want my soul to leave my body behind indefinitely.

[mellow-worlds]

M L and P and a friend of M went to a different city as a mini travel and they didn't even ask me if I wanted to come. M's friend wasn't supposed to go either but she ended up being there anyway. Idk. I wish they'd asked me? I would've definitely said yes. I'm not really all that jealous, but it does hurt a little. So far we talked twice on the phone today, L called me twice :) and I always speak to M and P as well. They seem to keep me in mind? I'm happy about that.

Yesterday I felt like colossal trash and had phantasies about L violently killing me. This morning after we talked on the phone I felt happy but then I was questioning whether I should feel happy because of yesterday's feelings. Ig that's what it's like. I feel really bad on one day/instance and then better in the next. Ig it's not a linear process but I should overall try to get better. I still do want him to mistreat me but I haven't had those fantasies today. Only kinda forced when I thought about yesterday. I cried a little yesterday. But only very little.

The phone calls make me feel appreciated, kind of. Or thought of, at least. And they do seem to think of me a little :) L told me about jokes M and P were making and ye it was cute. I just feel a little lost. I feel very lost, maybe.

I also feel lost about what to do when I'm home. I sit on the computer and maybe do some reading or editing, but mostly I just consume consume consume. And I'm not all that happy. I just don't know what to do with myself. I've made a point about leaving the house every single day, though. I miss L and I miss doing things not on my own.

[mellow-worlds]

I'm so used to trying to please people that I have lost all sense of who I am. I am so scared of rejection I'll reject myself first so you won't have to and sp there's nothing left to reject. I need to get better and I'm trying to process my emotions, my views of the world and my thoughts, so I can understand them and replace them with better ways of seeing things. I need to get better. Why? Honestly idk. Because of L? I mean... yes. But Idk rn. something else is happening inside of me and idk what it is. I just want to write. I want to become a famous writer.

[mellow-worlds]

I'm sad. L just left the house. I'll see him tomorrow, but then on Monday he'll go away for like 3 days with his friends. Tonight I'm on another birthday party.

Yesterday, at the birthday party we were together, he kissed M. Right in front of me. A peck. And it was funny and stuff but he just did it like that and idk it was funny and we made jokes, but today I almost cried. He was kissing me and I tohught how he'd "rather" kiss M than me (which he literally doesn't) and I almost cried, like my lower lip started shaking but he didn't realize. I smiled at him when he pulled away. He'll be away for the three days with P and M, of course. It shouldn't concern me because they've always been like that, and before we got together but after we'd aready kissed, he kissed P on Silvester as well. Idk. It shouldn't concern me but it does bother me. It shouldn't bother me. There's nothign taht could bother me about it but like idk.

I've been really sad recently, even when I've been with him. I'm really sad rn. I'm really, really sad. I don't even know why. I want him to hit me and choke me again and spit on me. I want to maximize my misery. I want him to treat me the way I should be treated. I've constantly been having butterflies.

Yesterday he got really mad at me because I denied that M called me pretty, after the party. He was really, really mad. He was sweet though. He apologized. He treats me too well. He got mad because I just "shut it out" or "ignore" it when people call me pretty. Some people at that party really did. He said he thought it'd be nice for me to hear it from so many people, and that my attitude made him sad. I could've cried. I've been constantly on the verge of tears for the past couple of days. Today I apologized that I made him so mad yesterday and then he got a little mad again, saying I shouldn't apologize.

Yesterday he asked me if we should walk the rest home which would've been like half an hour when we were in the subway. I said we could do it, and then he said I shouldn't agree to his stupid ideas. I need to stand my ground and not agree to anything he says etc. Today we were playing around and kissing and I won't go into detail but he said "[thing] doesn't even make sense, but you don't even question it" and then called me a less harsh version of dumb. And it's like... yeah. I am pretty stupid. I agree to everything he says because I don't care whether I feel like it or not. I don't know. I don't think a lot. I'm pretty stupid. What if he actually wanted to walk? I would've gone with him.

Today I gave him a [redacted] and he was pretty rough to me but afterwards he apologized and said that wasn't a good thing to do. He said he doesn't want to just use me. I said he wasn't, beacuse I wanted it and I like to please him. He said "hm fair" but didn't completely agree with me. He asked me if it wasn't awful for me, that feeling, and I said no. It was but like- who cares? It's just momentarily and he gains pleasure from it and like I want him to hurt me and I want him to hit me and shove me around and throw me off a cliff and throw me in the trash. I say things so he won't have to feel bad about treating me the way I deserve to be treated. Because it's not somemthing someone wants to say, "you deserve to like literally bleed to death and hurt like hell" even though it's true.

After this instance I clung to him because I don't want to do anything but lay by his side i don't want to do anything else ever. I don't care about anything anymore. I want to feel his body close to mine. I don't want to kiss him or anything I just want to be held and feel his warmth. He kept pulling away saying we should go back up to my mothers bday party and I kept saying no and we kept hugging. Idk eventually we were standing and he said to me that I look so plaintive. And he asked me why and such and then idk i said nothing and he kept saying you look like youre suffering and he then eventually asked me if I was suffering. :( my thoughts went to yes, I suffer all the time, but I didn't say anything and he immediately said sum like "why do I say such stupid things" and he apologized and maybe that was not a normal thing to ask me but like... it hurt? I want to hurt? He should make fun of me. I don't know. He should pity me, but ultimately not care about me. It's what he shows to me. It's so painful. I suffer so much. In my head. He's really sweet though. He always apologises. He's so nice to me. I told him that yesterday and he said he should be much nicer but like.... Idk. It's the contrast that hurts so much, too. It's like he tries to love me, but ultimately this world holds no love for me. I am utterly despicable. No one can love me. I am nothing. You can't love nothing.

He said today he doesn't want to feel like he's manipulating me. That's the thing. I don't think he understands how my mind works. I hate myself. He doesn't manipulate me. I agree with everything he says because I'd agree with anyone. I hate myself. He doesn't manipulate me. He dosen't just use you. I want to be used and thrown away.

I keep imagining that I'll kill myself. Stuff like that he breaks up with me because he realises how messed up in the head I am and that I shouldn't be loved, and that I then kill myself. I want to suffer, you hear? I've been suffering my whole life. I've starved myself and I've cut myself and I just cant allow myself not wanting to do those things. I think about cutting and starving myself all the time. I should starve. I've always been suffering. I have fantasies about killing myself. He says he has fantasies about like things he could say to me or wtv and I have fantasies about killing myself. And I need a reason to do so so badly that I imagine him breaking up with me just so I can kill myself. I wouldn't kms while we were dating. He doesn't have anything to do with that.

I said I love you so much today. He said "I think I love you, too" in response and we were giggly and we kissed and cuddled but it hurt. Hearnig him say "I think". :( he later said it without I think but idk. Ofc I'd focus on the bad parts because I love to suffer. I get butterflies in my stomach from it, goddammit. I have been having butterflies incessantly. I feel like I'm dying. My god. I miss him and I love him. It's all in my head. He really loves me. I love him. I should get better and I don't want to and I don't know how I could want that and what to do. I don't know. I'm scared. Maybe I should talk to him about it.

Today he also asked me why I looked so sad and I said that there's nothing I could tell him and he said oh so you're just a silly goose? No sadness or wtv sum like that, jokingly. idk. yes. I should try to be like that. I should be like that. Idk. Idk how not to be sad. I'm so sad rn and I don't even know why. I don't have a direct reason, do I? He loves me. My boyfriend loves me. My boyfriend loves me. I love him. So much. I should rty to get better for him even if I don't want to. I'm suffering. I want him to make me suffer. I haven't been so continuously sad for a long time. I'm so sad. I don't feel like going to the birthday tonight. I want to die.

[mellow-worlds]

I think I want to be happy. I was happy this morning and now I feel ok. I'm happy when I think about him. I'm happy when I think about the person I could be. Do I want to be that person? If being like this, this person, shouldn't I try to be that person?

I want to be a Vundabar song.

[mellow-worlds]

I just messaged him I miss him and he did too and I told him it's a weird thought for me that people could miss me or that I'm the type of person that people can miss and he said that, a couple of years ago, he thought nobody would be able to have a longer lasting relationship with him. He said he got over it and now I have to, too! HE'S SO SWEET. I wonder what he misses about me. But that's a stupid question. it means he'd like to have me next to him, not me performing a certain thing or being a certain way, just me being there. Just like I wish he was here next to me, nothing more concrete than that, I'd just like him to be near me, it's as simple as that. The thought that this goes both ways is so weird but it's ok. It's weird but I also told him that I accept it now. I have to keep this "promise" or wtv! I can do it! He misses me! Someone misses me! HIM of all people!!! Crazy.

[mellow-worlds]

I feel bad but it's like :( idk I bndjawjdkawkdnwajkdnwjkadnjkwandjkwa fncsmfadfwadwaiownfjvkabfa dawdnhwaiodjawmdwa he was a little more dominant again and he didn't do anything radical but it's like dnbjadiwa it's the little things its the in theory harmless jokes he makes that get me thinking "there is no love for me in this world". Cuz we're just cuddling or wtv and he'll say something silly he'll make an innocent joke or he'll say we've cuddled enough (though we always keep cuddling afterwards) because that's literally all we did today and I am like permanent marker I just stick to him and if it was up to me I'd never let him go because the physical touch is just way too nice. But that kinda stuff gets me thinking "not even he can love me" and idk i feel like I can't get away from that. It feels too good to wallow in self-pity. And I'm trying to be better? I'm trying to have goals and I'm trying to be ok with the fact that he thinks I'm pretty and that he likes my body. This is also something, he comments on that a lot, on my physicalities and the sex we have, but like rarely about who I am as a person. ndjwkanda it makes me think "I'm a pile of trash and he (bless his soul) was able to find a little worth in me" and that worth is just my body, in case he isn't just lying about that.

He does often say that I'm his favourite person by quoting some song we both find stupid, it's cute and silly and very sweet of him, but I keep thinking those thoughts.

Also, I recently read Jessica the wizard eats a third horse and man, there's a scene where Jessica lies on the floor and phantasizes about being sung to, cradled like a useless tiny baby and then thrown away in the trash. I actually read that scene as L was sitting next to me in the subway. My god. That killed me. It kind of has a happy ending but like dnjkawndjwadnjaw Jason Steele, whyyyy. I can't get it out of my head and it's not helpful regarding me wanting to get better. I've been questioning whether I actually want to.

I do need to become my own person. L said that himself, used those exact words. I said that there's only moths and dust in my head, and he said that there's also a lightbulb and all the moths fly towards it and I said the light bulb was him, and he said no, and I insisted and so did he. I asked why and he said I can't be completely dependent on him and that I need to become my own person. I don't know how to get there. It was very sweet of him.

I need to remember that he likes being a little more "harsh" with people that are very close to him. He said that his love language is to use insults, and I need to keep that in mind. I shouldn't take it personally when he says "shut up" or when he jokingly asks me "are you stupid" or when he calls me a stupid goose or cow like today. My god I still get butterflies. I ndwjadnawjk there's only one way to deal with it, which is that I stop being so sensitive because he shouldn't have to change the jokes he makes and how he expresses that he's comfortable around me and likes me because YES HE DOES HE ISNT LYING AND I NEED TO LEARN THAT TOO. He sees value in me. I wonder what it is he sees in me. I wonder. I wonder. I wonder. I wonder if he wouldn't be happier with someone else. It doesn't matter, though, because first, he's stuck with me and I ain't gonna let him go that easily because I need him and I love him and it's ok but I need to be my own person as well and it's fine :(

I just got butterflies thinking about his "you don't deserve me" joke. And it's true, I don't deserve him. When we talked about it he said that he shouldn't say stuff like that, he shouldn't because we are in a relationship and because one just doesn't say that kind of thing, not even as a joke. I still get butterflies. I still get butterflies. I still get butterflies. I don't want that to stop. It feels nice somehow. I need to make him believe I've gotten better. I just haven't gotten better because I don't want to, because I romantisize the idea of the broken girl and being sad and depression and being useless. I have butterflies. Or maybe this world really can't bear any love for me and maybe BECAUSE of that I have to be kind to myself but I feel like I already am kind to myself. I feel like I am nothing but kind to myself. I think that I see myself realistically. Can't I get butterflies from him saying I'm pretty? Can't I get butterflies when I feel loved? Can't i feel loved? I wonder whether he does. HE DOES HE DOES I NEED TO ACCEPT THAT; I NEED TO TRUST HIM but I can't let go of being sad. I should be honest to him. I should tell him I don't think I've gotten better and that maybe I don't want to but no, I should be honest or say nothing but not pretend taht I've gotten better just so he'll hit me again and spit on me. I shouldn't lie. But he is not my therapist and I should not trauma dump on him and I should be gentle, because all of this affects him as well because he cares about me and yes, he does, and this is proof that he likes me. He loves me, doesn't he? I like to think so. I'd like to think so. I do, don't I? It's hard to accept.

I need to get better but right now I feel so comfortable walowwing in sadness. I felt really sad the last couple of days on several occasions while hanging out with him. No particular trigger, just feeling sad and worthless.

He loves me. I love him. I could at least learn that. I'll try to. Maybe it's ok that I'm not perfect and that he is aware of my faults, but he still loves me. Like Zizek said, loving is not to idolise, it is to love despite the faults. Maybe this is what L is doing with me, the purest kind of love. I don't deserve him. What even are my politics of whom deserves whom? Idk. I shouldn't worry about that, all I should care about is that our love is, in fact mutual. That's the first thing. I think I accept that. It's ok that I'm not perfect. It's ok that he knows that. If he can see my imperfect, fat body, he can see my imperfect, awful personhood. And I'm ok with him seeing my body, so I can be ok with him seeing how I suck. And it's ok. He still likes me, for whatever reason. He likes the sex we have. He can also like the other interactions and conversations we have. Yay. Ok. I'll be fine. Right now, that's how far I'll go. Mutual love. That's it. I'll internalise it. I can keep being sad for now. It feels too comforting. I want to cry.

#do I want to get better?

[mellow-worlds]

We switched roles a little ig haha and it was fun and he liked it A LOT and yee :) it was nice seeing him like that, I enjoyed that and I got butterflies and now I get butterflies from other things than thinking about my worthlessness. I've been feeling a little worthless again and I got butterfleis from it but he keeps reminding me that I need to get away from that.

It's just a little weird. It's just... Idk. I miss this intense feeling. I miss how I was too dazed and too far into the demeaningness of his actions that I always needed a moment to gather myself after we did it. I miss how intense that feeling was. But ig I need to say goodbye. I've lived believing these things all my life, and it got more intense when we'd started doing that stuff, but he showed me I need to shed my beliefs about myself. He's really supportive. I'm so lucky. I'm so glad he is so patient with me. I can't believe he sees something special in me. I can't believe I'm so lucky.

I mean I don't deserve him, but right now I don't get butterflies from thinking about it. Is that something? Progress? I just feel guilty.

Should I ask him what he saw in me that night we met?

I'm scared that if I start respecting myself more I start being more of a nuisance to people and I won't be able to be as considerate anymore and I won't be able to only think nice things of other people. Maybe I can still keep my kind thoughts? I can just expand them to affect me as well? Think kindly about myself as well? I'm a part of the world and life and if life is beautiful amybe so am I? I should dwajndjwkandjkawndkjwan I should be kind to everyone including myself. Alr. I will keep trying my best to be considerate.

I love him.

[mellow-worlds]

He said I didn't deserve him as a joke and immediately felt terrible and explained how he meant it and we had a conversation about it, where I said "it's ok" and he said that answer didn't suffice him and if there wasn't more I could say. So we talked a little and everything turned out fine because he is really considerate after all.

I feel I should write about this but I don't feel like getting into it.

Anyway, I got the butterflies in my stomach again and before he said I didn't deserve him, I was wallowing in my ugliness and so yeah. Idk. I felt worthless again for a while and wanted to cry and I think he could sense that. When we went to bed he checked my eye with his thumb as we were cuddling in the dark and part of me wished there actually were tears. I felt different in the morning, I felt better.

I feel better now and I'm still determined to become a person. We had a conversation the next day about how I'm annoyed at myself because nothing really comes of me, everything has to come from outside, otherwise I wouldn't do anything. I'm not sure he understood me completely. I asked him why he pursues the goals he pursues and he said because he thinks its cool and he doesn't want his life to be predictable. I thought to myself I should find fulfillment in the things I do and in myself, do the things because they fulfill me and idk, believe in myself and set goals. He said that if one believes in oneself, one can achieve goals. He said its a super important thing. N I thought why should I believe in myself if I don't have any goals, I can still do stuff etc etc. I have to set goals and believe in myself I guess.

How I came out of this conversation where he told me this very hurtful thing and apologized and where I again was way too sensitive, still deciding by myself that I want to become a person, shows how strong I am and that I'm already on a good path. I can do it. I have my own will. I am someone. I love him.

[mellow-worlds]

We're working on a prokect that has to do with music and with directing and ah it's fun :) but scary because I don't know how any of this stuff works, but I can learn ig :)

[mellow-worlds]

older

He met up with the girl he used to like and some other people. I uh looked her up on ig and idk I feel weird. I don't think I'd be friends with her if I just met her like that. She's got stiff she wrote on her ig and idk I don't think it's too good. It seems mediocre. Actually I shouldn't judge. I really shouldn't. I'm currently sitting in the theatre and it's very bad. Anyway, I feel like there's an immense guilt pushed onto me. I feel like I have to be better than her since he did choose me and idk I feel like I should try. I again feel like I can't be someone, but I should try to be. I feel like nothing good comes of me and I am good for and at nothing, there is nothing I radiate. I am a bottomless hole and I am ugly. I only absorb, and things don't come out of me, I can, if anything, only reflect whatever is projected onto me. I am a canvas, and without you, the painter, I am empty. I don't know how to be someone. Maybe I just have to pretend. This morning while I was laying in bed, the window was open and I heard the rain and I heard him play the piano in the room next doors and I felt half-full. Maybe fully full. It was a beautiful moment. But again I feel like I'm nothing without other people. That's exactly what I need to work on. I need to be willful and I need to know what I want. I need to have dreams, if not for me then fir him. I need to share my thoughts and I need to share my interests and I need to share what I do, let that be playing the piano or writing. I cringe at this thought. Sitting here in the theatre I think about my body. She is a little chubby, but I am like detrimentally ugly. He says he likes my butt but hsuehekkd I'm so huge. I need to lose weight. Can I be a person while wanting to be so skinny I don't eat? Either way. I need to lose weight and exercise and eat healthily. Whatever.

I feel pain that barely hurts. I pull the skin off my lips so it'll hurt a little more, enough so you can taste my blood but not so much I'll want to stop. Pain soothes.

Btw I'm fine now I've made great advances and I think I'm doing ok :)

[mellow-worlds]

Tomorrow I'll tell him that I want to write. Or, something like taht. I'll tell him it's the only tihng I think I could do. I need to become a person and I need to accept that not everything that comes from me is bad, I should be able to show it to the world. Gosh I can't imagine showing him my writing.

Lately I've been working some on my novel (HOW CRINGE IT IS TO SAY THAT; MY NOVEL) while he's been making music. He basically told me I should, it was good he did. I'm happy I worked on it and I'll keep working on it.

I need to have ambitions and produce things and not hide them if I want to be a person. I should accept myself the way I am and look inside of me to see which marvellous things I can find there and make into something bigger. Today he said that making art is the meaning of life. He also said that he decided upon this on a whim, but I think he might be rihgt.