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sheliesshattered · 4 years

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This Isn’t A Ghost Story extras for Chapter 5: The Present

It’s Friday, so the next chapter of This Isn’t A Ghost Story has been posted! Chapter 5 is here on Tumblr, and here on AO3. There are spoilers below the cut, but I walk through the chapter in order, so it’s fairly safe to keep this one open for visual references as you read, if you want.

Those of you who have been following along with my writing process for This Isn’t A Ghost Story may have noticed how the story grew and morphed on me as I wrote. Despite knowing early-on the sort of story I wanted to tell and all the facets of the mystery that would need to be revealed, the story still managed to grow organically and surprise me at various points.

When I finished chapter 4 and started working on chapter 5, I had every intention that chapter 5 would be the final chapter, with a short epilogue that followed -- six chapters total, rather than the eight we ended up with. I knew what plot points and mystery reveals ch5 needed to cover, and I figured I could fit it all into one reasonably sized chapter. Even as late as the last week of July I was still thinking along those lines, and I quite nearly started posting chapters then, thinking I was nearly finished writing.

But something held me back from posting, and when I woke up the next morning I realized that chapter 5 really needed to be split. What ended up being chapter 5 and chapter 6 are together about 12,300 words, which wouldn’t have been the longest chapter I’ve ever posted, but certainly longer than I meant for chapters in this story to be, and thankfully I was able to find a good spot to split it.

As with the rest of this story, my husband Jack has been acting as my beta reader and in-house cheerleader, and particularly after reading chapter 4 he was really adamant that I keep focusing on writing and get through the story as quickly as possible -- maybe partially so I could start posting, but mostly so he could read it and find out the answers to the rest of the mystery, lol. Starting with chapter 5, he began reading chunks of the chapter as I finished them, and then eventually went back and re-read all of chapter 5. And every time he’s read it, he’s commented that this is his favorite line in the entire chapter:

“No,” she told him firmly. “Not unless you take away my say in it.” She didn’t add again, but she knew they were both thinking it.

Jack and I have been together nearly two decades, and I think it’s that shared unspoken language of spouses that he finds so amusing here.

For most parts of this story, I can’t really pinpoint exactly when I wrote a particular line or scene, as I tend to write non-consecutively as bits come to mind, tackle conversations or plot points I know will need to happen and then fill in the gaps in between, and go over any given section dozens of times making little edits or adding whole paragraphs until it reads the way I want it to, with the sort of pacing and emotional weight I think it needs. But this bit in particular, I know exactly when I wrote it:

“Our story, Doctor... It isn’t the tragedy you think it is. This isn’t a ghost story. It never was. It’s a love story. And if I know one thing about love stories? They always have a happy ending, one way or another.”

July 15th. I’d been having a rough writing day, hated everything I’d written the day before (more or less everything from the start of ch5 to that line, in its first draft form), and was feeling really unmotivated. Then I saw some excellent meta about the episode Hide on my dash that @clara-oswin-oswald had just posted. The title for this story comes from something the Eleventh Doctor says in that episode, and here was Sophie talking about that scene again, just when I was ready to stuff This Isn’t A Ghost Story into a drawer and never look at it again.

My intention with the title for this story had always been to evoke that line from Hide, and hope that most people would be able to fill in the second half of the sentence, “it’s a love story”, on their own. But it hadn’t occurred to me until I was reading Sophie’s meta that I could actually have Clara articulate exactly that thought within the story. The 42 words of that line of dialogue was all I managed to write on July 15th, but I woke up the next morning feeling significantly better about the story and ready to dive back in, make the edits that would fix the first part of the chapter, and keep hacking away at the next scenes to come.

Of course, the next bit I was trying to connect up with was actually something I’d written parts of earlier, that corresponded with the teeny tiny detail I’d posted a little poll about way back at the end of June. I knew I wanted to introduce Clara’s wedding ring around this point in the story, but I got hung up on what it should look like. Theoretically that should be a little inconsequential detail, just a single line of prose to help the reader visualize it better, but the results from that poll -- blue, unusual, and in support of world-building -- ended up leading me down a complete rabbit hole of research, that eventually spawned what turned into chapter 8. I’ll wait to share the details on that for when we reach ch8 at the end of this month, but the relevant bits from chapter 5 are of course Clara’s ring and what inspired the Doctor to pick that one for her in the first place.

Clara’s ring is based on these two antique rings:

The center stone is what’s known as a star sapphire, which are known to be particularly stunning in direct sunlight.

The Doctor tells Clara that when he first saw it -- presumably while ring shopping before their wedding in 1923 -- he was reminded of when he took her to see the archaeological work going on at the Mortuary Temple of Hatshepsut in 1921. The Temple does in fact have multiple areas where the ceilings are painted blue with rayed stars. It’s a popular motif from that era of ancient Egypt and shows up in a several other places as well.

I picture the jewelry box that Clara digs up as looking something along these lines:

The other piece of jewelry that is mentioned in detail is the necklace the Doctor bought for Clara in 1925. It’s based on the winged sun disk found on many ancient Egyptian temples:

It’s also meant to be a nod to the necklace Clara wears in The Bells of Saint John and The Rings of Akhaten, similar in both design and size:

From there, we get into one of the final remaining mysteries of the story, which the Doctor is clearly reluctant to talk about. There have been hints about this as far back as the first chapter, and from comments on previous chapters, I think a few of you may have guessed that this is where things were headed. Did this reveal turn out the way you thought it would? Or did it surprise you?

Lots of heartbreak at the end of this chapter, but we’re only a few chapters away from our happy ending now. It has been so much fun for me to hear your thoughts and theories as the mystery has unfolded! Thank you to everyone who has left a comment on This Isn’t A Ghost Story, both here and over on AO3. ❤️

Extras for Chapter 6: The Future

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plays-the-thing · 4 years

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Netflix’s Witcher: What Makes a Good Adaptation? – A companion piece

If you’ve somehow found this without seeing the video first, here’s a link:

In this video I analyze the screen adaptations of Lord of the Rings, A Song of Ice and Fire, and the Witcher series. I use the comparisons of the three to discuss what makes adaptations in general work and to explain why I feel the Witcher is heading down the road to mediocrity.

However, this is a hugely complicated subject, and the works themselves are also complex, especially Martin’s work. I make plenty of claims in the video that a reasonable person could disagree with without any explanation for why I think they are true. Unfortunately, if I were to go down every rabbit hole that I touch on the video would be hours long, so I have to gloss over some potentially confusing or controversial statements.

Enter this post. Here I will be attempting to pre-empt any questions that I think people may have, and go through my thought process on certain claims. I don’t recommend that you read the whole thing. Each explanation will be followed by a timestamp and relevant quote from the video that I am expanding upon so that you can quickly search the page and find what you are looking for.

I’m sure there will be things I don’t think to cover, or things that are poorly reasoned both here and in the video, so feel free to ask additional questions. Just please check to make sure you aren’t asking something that I already covered here.

I will also be attempting to give as much credit as possible to all the wonderful writers and creators who have influenced my thinking with regards to these works. I’ll be linking as much as possible to my sources, as well as to additional content that expands on ideas I mention. Also I’ve included some personal tidbits and commentary, just for fun.

Under a cut for length.

INTRODUCTION:

Huge props to the people who put together the behind-the-scenes footage of LOTR. I’ve watched all the bonus footage numerous times in my life. If you have any interest in the nitty-gritty of how movies get made, I can’t recommend it enough. It really shows all the work and complexity that goes into making movies. That they even get made at all is honestly incredible, especially massive undertakings like LOTR.

[3:30] And if you've ever wondered what the hell happened to The Hobbit, to me it seemed like they were indulging all of these worst impulses instead of catching themselves and editing them out like they did in LOTR.

As soon as I saw that they were making three Hobbit movies my hopes plummeted. It just reeked of executive meddling, and of trying to make the story into something it just isn’t. Lo and behold, that’s what we got: sticking in loads of unnecessary and thematically incoherent material to stretch out the runtime and make it more “epic.” I couldn’t bring myself to watch past the first one, but Lindsay Ellis has an excellent video series exploring in detail what went wrong with the trilogy.

PART ONE: LORD OF THE RINGS

[8:40] If you followed the events and the chronology of the book they would just hang out with Faramir for a little bit and then the movie would end

Technically it’s more complicated than this because that’s already following the revised movie timeline. In reality, Frodo would have just left the Black Gate. They *are* moving the events around to some extent, usually by a few of days here and there, but they can’t move stuff together that takes place weeks apart or the whole timeline would crumble.

[9:55] You can call it the theme, the soul, the spirit, the point, or whatever else you want, but the great works of fiction have something at their core that pulls everything together and elevates it into art. It’s a difficult thing to describe, but I think this scene perfectly tapped into the soul of Tolkien’s work.

Huge shout out to Bob Case and his video “Blame of Thrones” for first introducing me to this concept and the language of the “spirit” of a work to describe this phenomenon. In many ways the first two parts of this video are merely building on the LOTR-GOT comparison that he makes in that video, digging a little deeper and looking at more specific and concrete (and spoileriffic) examples of what he’s talking about so that we can apply these ideas to the Witcher…and beyond. Like all his work, it’s excellent. His YouTube is pretty much inactive these days, but he also occasionally writes content for Shamus Young’s blog if you want more of his work.

PART TWO: GAME OF THRONES

Alright, here it is: the section that really caused me to want to make this companion piece. Earlier I mentioned that I have sympathy for the GoT showrunners, and I really do. Martin’s work is incredibly complex, and so this section dominates the blogpost because there is so much to explain and no way that I could explain it all in the video without incredible bloat.

First I should mention that I, and all the writers I am going to credit here, share a very specific interpretation of Martin’s work. This isn’t the only interpretation. I doubt it’s the interpretation of the majority of readers. Obviously, I fully believe it is the correct interpretation, but the showrunners clearly had a wildly different one.

People who have this interpretation express it in different ways. Joannalannister collects hers in her tag #the-meaning-of-asoiaf. PoorQuentyn expresses it here, and in his analysis of Davos, Quentyn, and Tyrion. Other writers express it in their own ways.

With my lit degree hanging over my head, I can’t help but see it as a problem of competing artistic movements. To me, HBO’s Game of Thrones is part of the art movement of the past few decades, namely postmodernism. Art movements are complex, but basically postmodernism is the cynical reaction to the sincerity of modernism which came before it. Cynicism is, I think, the defining trait of Game of Thrones.

But it is NOT the defining trait of the books. In my view, Martin’s ASOIAF is part of the art movement that we are moving towards, which is starting to become known as metamodernism. Metamodernism is a reaction to the nihilistic pessimism and cynicism of postmodernism, and replaces it not with the unbridled sincerity of modernism, but rather oscillation between the two modes. It can be both ironic and sincere, deconstructionist and constructionist, apathetic and affectual. Once you have peeled back all the layers however, it is ultimately hopeful and optimistic. It embraces a sense of radical optimism. In metamodernist works optimism is often radical because the world the characters live in can be so dark. But that darkness serves only to highlight those characters that can hold fast to virtue amidst such darkness.

So, be warned. If you believe that Martin’s work is all about controlling the Iron Throne, and believe that cynicism is for the wise and honor is for fools, we just aren’t going to see eye to eye.

[12:45] Ned is a competent northern politician who has some trouble adapting to southern culture. Through a combination of bad luck, some understandable mistakes, and a misconception about his position, he fails in his goals.

The show didn’t invent the idea of Stupid Honorable Ned. Plenty of people believed this, even before the show. Obviously I believe they are wrong. If you would like to read more about it I would suggest Steven Attewell’s analysis of Ned’s chapters that he does on his blog, particularly Eddard XI and Eddard XIII. Steven does a much better job of analyzing Ned as a political actor than I ever could.

[13:00] Most of these changes are subtle…the best example is the council debate about whether or not to assassinate Daenerys.

Many of the ideas in this section are pulled from two essays by turtle-paced: Poor Doomed Ned and The Argument to Assassinate Daenerys. Turtle goes deep into the details of the differences between the Ned Stark of the books and the show, and I skimmed some of their comparisons for my argument. Steven Attewell’s analysis of this chapter is also worth reading.

[14:09] It’s a good argument, and I think in the books we are expected to mostly agree with Ned, both morally and politically.

When I say “expected” I mean from the authors point of view, which of course relies on me being correct about my interpretation of Martin’s work. Obviously I think I’m right, but if you don’t agree with my interpretation you may not agree with this statement.

[14:16] Notice also that the supporters of the assassination: Littlefinger, Varys, Renly, and Pycelle are all villains (all except Pycelle are trying to destabilize the kingdom), and the people who oppose it, Ned and Barristan, are heroes.

Each of them represents a different sort of evil. Littlefinger is a scheming sociopathic villain. Varys is a well-intentioned extremist whose willingness to commit utterly heinous acts in the pursuit of his goals makes him a villain. This is because, as Huxley puts it, “The end cannot justify the means, for the simple and obvious reason that the means employed determine the nature of the ends produced.” Renly is narcissistic ambitious evil, willing to throw a realm into war to satisfy his own ego, and is totally uncaring about the lives of other people. It isn’t precisely correct to say that Pycelle is a villain because he represents the banality of evil. He thinks he’s just doing his job, but he’s morally bankrupt and politically corrupt.

[16:40] It would take too long to list all the ways that Tywin is awful, and everyone knows it.

To clarify, I mean that everyone in-universe knows it. For some god-forsaken reason, some readers seem to think that Tywin was just being effective after he unleashed the Mountain on the Riverlands and violated every military and political norm in Westeros.

If you are going to say that he is “Machiavellian” I would encourage you to actually read The Prince, where Machiavelli says “Nevertheless a prince ought to inspire fear in such a way that, if he does not win love, he avoids hatred” and goes into the reasons why.

[17:17] Tywin on the other hand accomplished a lot of short-term gains by being as treacherous and dishonorable as possible. But this has a cost: by proving themselves fair-weather allies they surround themselves with the same. Nobody trusts them, and so their allies scheme and betray them.

Oberyn and Doran are both scheming in their own way to revenge themselves on the Lannisters for the deaths of Elia and her children. The Tyrells poison Joffrey and scheme to spirit Sansa away to Highgarden.

[17:36] Ned failed due to a couple of minor mistakes, some bad luck, and treachery.

I mention a few times that Ned, and more broadly the Starks, get “unlucky.” Again, Steven Attewell does an excellent job of documenting this with his keen eye for how GRRM cheats political realities, but I’ll note a few of the many ways George has to bend over backward to screw the Starks.

In AGoT Catelyn leaves King’s Landing roughly around the same time that Tyrion leaves the wall, and both are on horseback. In order for them to meet at the Inn at the Crossroads Tyrion has to travel roughly 2,000 miles in the same time that Catelyn travels 400 miles. This is basically impossible, but necessary for the plot so that Catelyn can lose Tyrion at the Eyrie. If she had caught him somewhere further north she could have simply chucked him into her own dungeons and managed his trial herself.

Cersei has been trying to kill Robert for goodness knows how long with just as unreliable methods as “get him drunk on a hunt.” In order for Ned to get screwed she has to succeed in killing Robert at precisely that moment. If it had failed like every one of her other attempts she is most likely dead, because Ned would tell Robert the truth about her children as soon as he got back.

In order for Theon to take Winterfell, veteran military man and castellan Ser Rodrik Cassell has to stupidly empty the Winterfell garrison while he knows that Ironborn raiders are running loose in the North, not even leaving behind a mere twenty-five to fifty men that would have completely thrashed Theon’s assault. If Theon can’t take Winterfell, the Red Wedding doesn’t happen (as Martin has told us that the real inciting incident of the Red Wedding was the fall of Winterfell).

[17:41] However, killing him was a terrible idea, and backfired on the Lannisters instantly.

Continuing this theme, the Lannisters were in an absolutely horrible position at the beginning of the War of the Five Kings. They pretty much just have their bannerman in the Westerlands. Stannis seems to have the support of most of the Crownlands, and he and Renly are splitting the lords of the Reach and the Stormlands (with Renly having the larger chunk). The Starks have all the support of the North and the Riverlands combined. The Lannisters are surrounded by enemies who outnumber them on all sides. Killing Ned immediately jumpstarts a war that will almost certainly crush the Lannisters. That it didn’t took some very thin plotting and improbable developments at times, but overall George made it work. For more analysis of this, again check out Steven Attewell Blog: Race for the Iron Throne.

[17:48] Tywin was killed by both a guest whom he considered his ally, and his son.

I firmly believe Oberyn poisoned Tywin. Here’s a good rundown of the evidence. Beyond simple means, motive, and opportunity it also provides neat answers to lingering odd questions like why Tywin rotted so oddly and aggressively, why Tyrion knew he would find him in the privy, why Oberyn was willing to chuck his life away for a confession before seeming to have secured revenge against Tywin.

It’s also thematically juicy. I love the idea that Tywin, who so egregiously violated Westerosi norms culminating in the total breach of the social contract at the Red Wedding, was a victim of contrapasso. He can’t be protected by social norms, so he gets poisoned by his guest and ally. Did Tyrion know he was dying? Had he put it all together? Was that bolt really an act of mercy? Perhaps it was one final service to the Lannisters, to keep the dream of their alliance with the Martells alive. Who knows, but boy is it interesting to consider.

[18:13] his alliances fall to pieces, and his children are abandoned by even their own family.

I’m referring here to the infighting between the Tyrells and Lannisters (and Martells, though they never had any intent of staying true to the alliance) after Tywin’s death (though there was some before as well, just intensified after Cersei takes over from Tywin). Kevan forces Cersei to take the walk of shame, and Jaime and the rest of the Lannisters abandon her to that fate.

[19:41] Just like Lord of the Rings, and the Witcher, ASOIAF is clearly dedicated to anti-violence. Not pacifism: all three works have heroes dealing out retributive violence in order to try and restore justice.

I understand it might be odd to suggest that three works which feature so much violence can be dedicated to anti-violence, but depicting something is not the same as endorsing it. I would argue in the case of Martin’s work in particular that his depiction of violence, so un-romantically brutal and direct, is intentionally revolting, and therefore is designed to be anti-violence. Martin purposefully makes you want revenge on certain characters, gives it to you, and then forces you to stare at the inhumanity of this thing you thought you wanted. Yeah I wanted Theon to pay, but not like that. Yeah, I wanted Cersei to pay, but not like that. Yeah, I want the Freys to pay, but I don’t think I’m going to like what Stoneheart is going to do to them.

There is a certain amount of this in the Witcher as well. I can specifically think of one scene in The Blood of Elves, but I promised no Witcher spoilers.

The violence in LOTR is much more romanticized, but as Faramir says: “I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend.” The hero is still Frodo, who doesn’t fight anyone or anything in the whole story. Frodo is a pacifist, but his pacifism is enabled by others who are willing to fight.

[20:07] In a Dance with Dragons Daenerys allows the old slave-holding class to maintain too much power and so they immediately attempt to continue the old violence of slavery. Daenerys did not commit enough violence against the slave-owners, so they were allowed to continue existing, and as long as they existed they were always going to abuse and oppress the ex-slaves.

A couple years after the release of ADWD, an obnoxiously wrong and poisonous idea began to creep into the ASOIAF fandom: Daenerys’ violence against the slaveowners in Slaver’s Bay is dangerous and immoral, and peace is the better option. This idea was most persuasively argued in the Meereenese Blot’s series of essays.

I’ll quote some of the conclusion here:

“They are supposed to feel this generic distrust for everyone, and to fail to grasp that their peaces were actually quite successful. Dany is supposed to conclude — wrongly — that her behavior through most of the book was silly and foolish. And if you came away with those impressions too, it’s perfectly understandable…The whole plotline is designed to maneuver Dany into a mental place where she’ll decide to sideline her concerns for innocent life, and take what she wants with fire and blood.”

This idea, much like the idea that Daenerys is some sort of unhinged fascist just waiting for the right trigger, makes me unbelievably angry. This idea that I am supposed to value the life of the slaveowner and the slave equally, and that maintaining a “peaceful” slave-owning society is an acceptable alternative to violent revolution is so fundamentally revolting to me, that it turns my stomach even to write that sentence.

Some fans went even as far as to suggest that Daenerys’ occupation of Meereen was a parallel to the US occupation of Iraq, and that she was engaged in erasing an authentic slave-owning culture that she despised. If you read the above series of essays, you can see that they are, at the least, enabling that kind of thinking.

To be clear, I do not consider any slave society to be worth a damn thing. Anything that continues it is evil and all that attempts to destroy it is good. That being said, once again Steven Attewell does a better job than I ever could of rebutting the ideas of the Meereneese Blot, and explaining how the correct parallel of Daenerys’ actions in Meereen is the American mistake of abandoning radical reconstruction. He describes her actions in Meereen as abandoning a revolution half complete. I highly recommend reading it, especially if you are American.

Martin is not a pacifist. He has said he would have fought in WWII. He demonstrated against Vietnam. As far as I know, the first time George ever used the words “Fire and Blood” was in a book released in 1982 called Fevre Dream:

“I never held much with slavery […]. You can’t just go… usin’ another kind of people, like they wasn’t people at all. Know what I mean? Got to end, sooner or later. Better if it ends peaceful, but it’s got to end even if it has to be with fire and blood, you see? Maybe that’s what them abolitionists been sayin’ all along. You try to be reasonable, that’s only right, but if it don’t work, you got to be ready. Some things is just wrong. They got to be ended.”

Daenerys is a slave-freeing, slave-owner-killing Hero with a capital H. She has made mistakes. I weep for the lives of the slaves that she has thrown away by abandoning her revolution, by failing to give the people of Astapor the strength to defend themselves, by maintaining a false peace that allows the Meereneese KKK to kill ex-slaves in the night. I shed no tears for the slaveowners that she has killed. When you treat other human beings as property you forfeit your right to Prosperity, Freedom, and Life. Preferably in that order—I would prefer that a slave society could peacefully transition, that those who attempted to continue it could be locked up, and that bloodshed could be avoided. But sometimes violence is necessary.

Daenerys will make more mistakes, I am sure. I believe that she will swing too far in the other direction, temporarily. But that’s a topic for another time.

[20:57] She comforts the hound even as he threatens her and helps him on his path from violence to peace.

Sandor did not die, despite what the Elder Brother told Brienne. He uses his words very carefully, to suggest that the Hound is dead, but that Sandor Clegane the man is simply “at rest.” He has become a brother of the isle.

“On the upper slopes they saw three boys driving sheep, and higher still they passed a lichyard where a brother bigger than Brienne was struggling to dig a grave. From the way he moved, it was plain to see that he was lame.” - Brienne VI, AFFC

[21:40] If they don’t understand why Tywin is a villain then of course they won’t understand why the Others are the main villains of the series, and will probably replace them with some blonde queen. And if you don’t understand that the cold of the human heart is the real enemy than of course you’ll think you can stop winter by just stabbing it. Like Tywin would.

In the books the Others are the villains. They are what the whole story is building towards, much like in LOTR the story builds towards Frodo casting the ring into the Fire. Martin has said that he thinks that the finishing chapters of LOTR, like the Scouring of the Shire, were important, so we may see something like that, but the clear emphasis will be on the existential evil, and cleaning up Cersei or Aegon “Targaryen’s” mess will be a clear step down in importance. It’s something that the heroes have grown beyond, but still need to handle, just like Saruman in the Shire.

[22:04] There’s nothing wrong with liking Game of Thrones, or disliking Lord of the Rings, or anything else.

I really do mean this. I am going to be critical of things you like, and am going to praise things you love. People are different, that’s to be expected. I am not here to pretend that people should only like the things I like. I’m interested in what makes these stories work. I said much the same thing in my last video about some of the new Star Wars properties. People tend to get really attached to the media they like (I’m no exception) and that can color our perception of criticism. Do try to keep in mind that if you like something I criticize it isn’t an attack on you. You have a sacred and personal relationship to the things you enjoy that no one can take from you. I like all kinds of stuff that other people might consider bad, and that’s okay. Actually it’s great, because it gives us something to talk about.

I may genuinely hate Game of Thrones because it butchers something I came to love, but that doesn’t mean I have anything against the people who do like it for their own reasons. We’re all just out here enjoying what we like.

PART THREE: THE WITCHER

There is less in this section for two reasons. First, I promised not to spoil anything past the material covered in the show and I’ll stick to that here. Second—full disclosure here—I haven’t read all of the books because after Blood of Elves I got pretty bored and from what I had heard they did not improve in quality, and if anything got worse. Having already felt that going from the anthologies to Blood I was happy to end my reading there.

If something I say is contradicted by a later book that I didn’t read feel free to let me know.

[23:31] First I should mention that Sapkowski’s works are not on the same level as Tolkien’s and Martin’s, who are the best and second-best fantasy authors of all time. I have enjoyed the Witcher books that I have read, but they are not anywhere near as complex or beautifully written.

This is just my opinion, see above paragraph. I really do think that it’s a pretty common opinion though. I’ve read it before, and you often see people recommend the first two Witcher anthologies in a “if you like it maybe see if you like the rest of them?” sort of way. Book sales numbers also support this, though by all accounts they are exploding in the wake of the show.

But, one potential issue is that I’m reading a translation so I have no idea how good Sapkowski’s prose actually is. You get a lot of sentences in the US edition like: “it must be both bothersome and irritating.” Translation is art, not science, and passages like these make me worry that the translator is just translating each phrase without worrying about all the subtlety that makes language beautiful. These are minor examples of course, but they worry me about what else might be changed. So take my criticism of his writing with a giant, translated, grain of salt, in that I don’t read Polish.

[23:58] Despite this, Geralt the Witcher has been worming his way into popular culture for years, interestingly on the back of a series of video games

Google trends clearly show that the video games are what primarily generated interest in the character before the show. There were no English editions until around the time the games started coming out, and the US editions all feature concept art from the games on the covers. The release of the subsequently translated books after the games received very little attention in comparison to the games.

[24:15] In my opinion, that decline of focus on Geralt was the greatest weakness in the books, and the focus on Geralt is the greatest strength of the games. Because Geralt is at the core of what made Sapkowski’s story and world engaging in the first place. He is a fascinating character in a way that Ciri, who is a fairly standard fantasy “chosen child,” could never be.

This is just my opinion, and I explain why I think Geralt is so great in the subsequent paragraphs. Reasonable people can disagree on this, but I’ve come across more than a couple fantasy characters who could be generically described as “royal orphans with special powers.” It’s not exactly novel. Geralt is pretty novel, at least in terms of what I have read.

[24:49] He suffers many of the same psychological problems that characters like Tyrion and Brienne suffer from in Martin’s work

The technical name for these kinds of issues is “internalized bigotry.” This happens when you get treated consistently horribly by the society you live in due to some fundamental fact about yourself that you didn’t choose, and eventually you begin to believe and “internalize” their opinion of you. For example, people expect Tyrion to be unlovable, conniving, lecherous, and debauched. Eventually he simply leans into these characteristics, because in a way it’s almost easier to be what people expect you to be.

[25:48] To top it off, he hides all this inside a cynical and nihilistic exterior, he pretends he doesn’t care when in fact, he cares more than anyone.

The shot that accompanies this, of Geralt looking intently at what’s happening in the room while others tend to be watching with a sort of mild curiosity like you might at an unexpected circus performance, did an awesome job of conveying this idea.

[26:36] This was kind of a cool idea, but predictably their scenes ended up being generally less interesting and engaging then Geralt’s. Yennefer’s were sometimes fantastic but Ciri’s rarely were.

This was the opinion of fans that I most commonly observed. I don’t have any empirical evidence of this. If you have any that either supports or contradicts this please let me know, I would be fascinated to see it. I could see someone really loving Yennefer’s scenes, and I personally enjoyed a lot of them, but I don’t understand how someone could walk away from the first season with Ciri as their favorite character of the three. I’ll come back to this in a later section.

[27:40] In many ways the first two books, and the games, have more in common with Sherlock Holmes than they do most other fantasy stories.

Really a more accurate comparison would be Philip Marlowe since Geralt is definitely more of an American Pulp detective than a British one. I do love the similarity between Geralt’s Witcher Senses in The Witcher 3 and Sherlock’s detective vision in Crimes and Punishment. I can’t make the same comparison to a Philip Marlowe game, because no one’s made one yet.

Actually that’s not strictly true. There was one game that came out in 1996.

[28:12] But Netflix’s Witcher has barely a whiff of detective fiction anywhere. I think this has caused a lot of fans to feel alienated by the show, even if they can’t explain exactly why.

It’s not reasonable to expect people to know why they like or don’t like something. It’s a feeling, and unless they have experience with writing, narratology, literature, film studies, or just read a lot of tvtropes.org, they are not likely to be able to put their finger on what it is. This causes people to disproportionally blame the things that are most obviously wrong. The premiere example of this is Jar Jar Binks in The Phantom Menace. Jar Jar was obviously bad, but he doesn’t even come close to the top ten biggest problems with the movie. It was much worse that there was no main character or understandable plot and drama. Check out Red Letter Media’s legendary review for more on that.

I think a similar thing happened with Ciri, in that her story was sort of obviously underwhelming and so received a lot of flak, but there are deeper problems with the show.

[32:04] The third change is more subtle, but I’m worried that this Geralt genuinely believes in neutrality.

Just like Ned, the showrunners would not be the first to espouse this view. This quote in particular about “evil is evil” is obnoxiously peddled about as a justification for fence-sitting despite the fact that Geralt’s actual behavior doesn’t support it at all.

I don’t know for sure if the showrunners genuinely think Geralt tries to be neutral. There’s some evidence for yes in the first episode, the Borch episode, the Striga episode, and a couple of others. There’s strong evidence for no in the Duny/Pavetta episode. We’ll just have to see.

To be clear, when I mean “neutral” I mean in the face of immediate violence or injustice. Geralt often doesn’t care who is king, as he explains to Ostrit. But he won’t let a Striga continue to kill people just for coin.

[37:20] When the writers took away Ned’s best arguments for his actions, when they took his story of existential triumph, of not compromising his morals, and turned it into a simple tragedy, they showed they clearly did not understand his heroism.

See PoorQuentyn’s explanation of existential heroism, and how it applies to ASOIAF.

[37:58] In the books, Ciri and Yennefer are included in the story through their connection to Geralt, because he is our hero and the foundation of our connection to the world. In the show they are included before ever having met Geralt, and they take up time that could have been spent focusing on those devilish detective details that make Geralt’s stories and character work.

Originally this video had a lot of discussion about how well these two other characters worked, but it ended up being kind of useless because it comes down to personal opinion, and the writers failure to properly use Geralt massively overshadows whether or not someone liked or didn’t like either of the other two leads. Again, I get why someone could like Yennefer’s scenes. I get why someone could maybe even like her scenes more than Geralt’s. Anya Chalotra did great. I thought the writing was a little weak at times, but on balance pretty decent. Geralt gets the benefit of all his stories being straight adaptations, and she didn’t, so it was a pretty decent job.

On the other hand, I thought Ciri’s storyline was a giant waste of space. When I think of all the best moments in the show, Ciri doesn’t show up in any of them. She spends the entire season running away from and interacting with fairly minor and forgettable characters that did not need to be introduced in this season. Calanthe, Eist, and Mousesack were great characters and the actors gave great performances, but that did not make up for the fact that her storyline went nowhere and did nothing to justify its inclusion. If someone loved Ciri’s storyline I would genuinely be interested to know why.

[39:10] I do have some sympathy for the writers of the Witcher.

Many times in this video I mention sympathy for various writers. Moviemaking is a massively complex undertaking. If you know anything about the difficulty of getting these things together you’ll know that it’s an absolute miracle any movie gets made and takes herculean effort from everyone involved. Television series are arguably even worse because they are longer, more complex, and often have a lower budget despite that. The people involved are honestly doing their best, and I recognize that, even if I criticize the product.

[39:47] They are in this unfortunate position where they can’t really pull the majority of their writing straight from the books because the material isn’t really strong enough by itself.

The books are very dialogue heavy. As I allude to, the one scene that was very close to the book is that scene with Filavandrel and it’s just obnoxious because the two characters just dialogue at each other. It goes on even longer in the book. How well that works in a book is up for debate but it wasn’t going to work on the screen, and it didn’t.

These problems are not insurmountable though. You can put other footage over these monologues. You could have included some footage of Elves fighting in their war. You could have footage of the “cursed” daughters of Lilit being locked in towers or autopsied while Stregobor explains it. I get this is more budget, but that budget went other places.

On the other hand some great scenes that I think would have translated excellently shot-for-shot from the book with little additional budget, like Renfri and Geralt in the Alderman’s attic, are entirely cut. Ah well.

[40:25] Well, I have my theories, but it in the end it doesn’t really matter.

I have a sneaking suspicion that somebody thought it needed to be more “epic” than the first two books are, so we got all this princess and political stuff in early. If there’s any merit to the idea that this series “copied” GoT, it’s somewhere in here, just like how the Hobbit got poisoned with all of the “epicness” of LOTR.

[44:54] Lastly, I’m gonna do my best to put out more regular content going forward. I’m aiming for at least one video a month.

I place no limitation on topics. It’ll probably be mostly media analysis, but if I’m honest I’m just going to write about whatever interests me. That’s the best way to keep myself interested.

That being said, if you have something you think I should analyze let me know. If I’m interested, I might do it.

#witcher #netflix witcher #lotr #asoiaf #game of thrones #anti-got #lord of the rings #adaptation #video companions

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incarnateirony · 5 years

Text

Terms and Conditioning and Meanings

Okay, so it’s something a lot of people heard me bang on about several times over the last few years, but recently I found a thread (x) by yet another lit professor -- this one in another fandom.

I’m sure some people will choose to reactively and malignly pick at parts of what they say without reading the heart of their body of work, in a blazing display of self-blind irony, but well-- I went off on my usual tear I go on ‘round these parts and unsurprisingly they went through and liked every single one while QTing other Typical Fandom Asshats to shoot them down, so let’s roll here.

I’ll start with the TLDR edition but then break down the actual content behind a cut -- because this? This is something this fandom DESPERATELY NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCES OF, and how they DO and DON’T relate.

CODING = CONSCIOUS CHOICE OF CONSTRUCTION BY AUTHOR SUBTEXT = THEMATIC RESONANCE THROUGH MOST OF OR THE ENTIRE WORK THAT EMBOLDENS THE TALE INTERPRETATION = LITERALLY WHATEVER YOU WANT BUT STRONGER IF YOU KNOW WHAT THE OTHER 2 ARE AND WHERE THEY ARE. THANKS KIDS DEATH OF THE AUTHOR = NOT AN EXCUSE FOR EIGHTH-ASSED READINGS CANON = WHAT EXISTS WITHIN A WORK, OR AN AGREED UPON BODY OF ACCEPTED WORKS (episodes, books, etc not part of the ecclesiastical body) NO, it is not a MAGIC WORD for “NOW THEY KISSED” and there are MANY FORMS OF WHAT IS CANON WITHIN AN ACCEPTED BODY OF WORK. QUEERBAIT = VERY FEW OF THESE THINGS AND YET CAN BE ALL OF THESE THINGS AND THIS IS THE MOST BUSTED WORD Y’ALL HAVE FUCKING RUINED.

(Edit: I saw someone reblog this with “really aggressive in an offputting way” before a tag of “but I agree” so I’ma put this out here: Yeah. It fucking is. Because this fandom is fucking exhausting. And I am tired. Of having to fucking repeat things. That are literal common sense. In a fandom that insists on flushing common sense. Of otherwise intelligent people sending themselves into destructive spirals. Of even friends losing friends to people sliding off into bitter pits these problems lead to. So if you’re someone that favors common sense, maybe you actually should feel this frustration in your soul. The lit folks reblogging this with commentary so far seem to.)

To quote the linked OP and give credit where credit is due for resparking this conversation in my mind and realizing I haven’t said this for a long time and new followers may not know, even if this is familiar to like 90% of people who follow me -- but I feel they touched aptly on parts I haven’t even really done more than brush over.

queer-coding is quite sinister in a lot of ways (though can be employed subversively to great effect) but also very interesting! studies have shown that children who like or identify with queer-coded villains are more likely to be lgbt, even if they don't realise what's going on.

during the hays era it was mostly a way to show that a villain was bad (because gay = evil), but it could also be a way for closeted queer creators to sneak lgbt representation into their work, which is why so many queer-coded villains are so damn *likeable*.

what's also interesting is that lgbt creators would sometimes explicitly *straight-code* their villains - gaston from disney's beauty and the beast is a great example of this. highly recommend that you read up on the story of his creation!

all of which is to say: queer-coding has a meaning, it's not the same as queer-*baiting*, and it DEFINITELY isn't the same as "I'm gonna read this character as gay because I wanna imagine him as gay" - the name for that is fanon, and some trek fans

there are lots of academic works on the history of queer-coding if you want to spend an afternoon down a google scholar rabbit hole! just, you know. terms have meanings.

that's the thing. coding literally is intentional. what you're talking about is an alternate or resistant reading, or a world-context-centred critical approach.

you're right that it's got nothing to do with representation, but unlike semiotics, which is text-centred but may or may not rely on reading into intentional authorial choices, queer-coding refers specifically to an authorial choice. it's a defined term.

I didn't just take AP and honours english. I *taught* AP and honours english. for y e a r s.

--by @jaythenerdkid who I just accidentally found the tumblr of by preparing to make a twitter link but I checked and it’s the same person.

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Okay so let’s pick through this a little bit before people start spinning this up in their heads.

TO START: QUEER CODING

I’ve seen people say “This character has villain attributes or dark attributes ergo he is queer coded.” That is absolutely not the way to apply this history, this works in reverse. As handled here, villains were either malignly codified to make queer characters evil and/or were then used as a slip-in of representation. A villain being a villain is not in fact itself an actual queer coding point. A dark history is not itself a queer coding point. Addiction stories are not themselves a queer coding point. In fact, trying to apply itself in this order is like BLAZINGLY homophobic and gross as hell and if you’re doing this, you should stop now. Yes, I’ve seen this.

I fucking promise you Gaston wasn’t consciously “queer coded” in being a villain, being a villain does not give him a Magic Gay Point.

Are we good on that point? Have we figured out the direction these Magic Gay Points fly in and don’t? Cool. If the author consciously added elements that will harmonize with a straight audience as queer to make them seem bad, that’s malignant queer coding; if an author consciously added elements that will harmonize with a queer audience to make them somehow familiar or likable, that is subversive queer coding.

An example of subversive queer coding: In the Legend of Korra, the creators had limitations on what the network would allow them to do. Later, they confirmed their intent was a WLW couple being portrayed at the end, but it hovers in the area of a hand hold that people can unfortunately choose to negotiate away into bestest friends despite all the other story flags for them along the way.

People have/can/will call queerbait about this. In this case, this is not queerbait. This is attempted representation to bypass restrictions and is not malign, but are authors doing their best to give their queer audience something, anything, in the case of it. Yes, it was post-air acknowledgment but it was what they were goddamn trying to give us gays out here. It’s not hiding their gays on the creator’s part -- it’s hiding their gays on the network’s part -- WHICH IS A STEP A LOT OF PEOPLE GET VERY CONFUSED ABOUT.

Hell, just because *one* show or property on a specific channel even allows X Amount Of Gay in it doesn’t even mean they’ll allow their other properties that amount of gay every time, and can and WILL step in and block creators. It happens even on premium networks like HBO or Starz. Because they have their ideas of what the demographic they dump a bunch of marketing money into is okay with, half-educated and half massive fiery balls of projection from whatever old white dude is reviewing the data. So no, never just bank on “well X network made the Gay Bar exactly This Tall To Ride here so all their other shows can be Exactly This Gay.” -- you do that, you’re gonna set yourself up for a FUCKTON of disappointment.

Hell, LGBT aren’t even treated equally to other LGBT. Bi men have like 1/3 the representation of bi women because media is held in a largely male gaze corporately and well, bi women are sexy to straight guys, give them some of that lesbian action. But oh, nono, don’t put the bi dudes near their network, no homo. If you drape a rainbow boa on this lamp post though we’ll let you have a gay guy run around that is there to make other characters uncomfortable as a stereotype, that’s fine. LITERALLY do *NOT* simply assume for *ANY REASON* that because one kind of LGBT person cleared on one show that others will too, there’s so many ways that drops through the floor.

That small aside about network bullshittery handled, let’s get back to the terms.

Negative queer coding I can think of with things like, I dunno. Jafar. Honestly very few LGBT people will actively associate with most of these attributes because a great wealth of them are attributes in the eyes of straight creators villainizing gay people, rather than gay people making gay people that just happen to be villains, and this distinction *DOES MATTER.* The long, snaky body -- the coy, venomous tone, embellished gestures; I mean sure, some people are like that, and that’s fine, you be you, but it’s a stereotype most try to shed rather than play into. It’s not the sum of who we are but put into the wrong creator’s hands, they *make* that the perceivable sum of who we are, + villainy.

But queer coding CAN be suggestively used to paint positive role models in situations they can’t necessarily be written as Overtly Gay, and the list of those reasons is unfortunately Very Long. But they are always things that are active choice, and your interpretation of what is Active Choice is not the same as Proven Active Choice.

For example: “The wallpaper was green and blue in this scene so Dean is thinking of Castiel even if he isn’t saying it.” Okay. We’re gonna go to Subtext and Interpretation later, but summarily: no. Hell, maybe it even is, but that’s a huge vault you actually have to exorbitantly prove and you can’t just say “but movie lighting theory” because I promise Dean = Green Cas = Blue isn’t general lighting theory.

An alternate example: “Bobo Berens, the first LGBT author on Supernatural, affirmed that Castiel was written in place of Colette, Cain’s wife, in Dean’s mirrored life; this is recurring symbolism and reflects often in Beren’s work, wherein his first episode showrunner Carver opted them to act as jilted lovers, and made a vast wash of content involving bold partnership ideals such as ‘at the altar’, ‘secret admirer’, and more that mysteriously hit the cutting room floor, but resonates very loudly through several directly connected seasons and all future work by Berens such as classic romantic partnership gifts and ideas [mixtape, heart connect, etc].”

This is simultaneously coding and subtext. We could frankly make 200 page dissertations about this chain of text -- and most of us already have -- that doesn’t require loudly extrapolating interpretation of external elements or single unrelated lines.

“But subtext is just QUEERBAIT. It’s JUST SUBTEXT, it’s NOT CANON.”

Okay honey let me stop you right there. This is like the most common bad hot take in this fucking fandom. Like every part of it is bad but everybody kind of strings it together into one big Ball of Bad.

Subtext is, summarily, a hidden body of text that is felt in the work. Beyond Who You Want To Be Gay, subtext is a lot of things. Subtext is the value of humanity above all powers and principalities, in Supernatural. And there’s all kinds of other subtext. Whenever you see someone blink and have black eyes in SPN without them saying “I’m a demon” and you know they’re a demon, that’s... kind of subtext too. I mean, we know textually demons have black eyes, but nothing ever said only demons have black eyes. So what if I wanted to say it’s the ghost of big bird? It’s MY INTERPRETATION and MY INTERPRETATION IS VALID TOO.

Shit you can even cobble together half assed unrelated extrapolations--some demons have yellow eyes and Jack had yellow eyes so he wasn’t a demon so clearly not all black eyes are demons and uh... the angel blade kills lots of things, that black eyed thing still wasn’t a demon.

See how easy it is to absolutely BULLSHIT around it with decontextualized BULLSHIT? It almost passes at a glance until held up to the smallest bit of scrutiny and following episodes.

Okay, so look, “It’s my interpretation, and my interpretation is valid” is only as far as it holds up soundly to *you.* As long as it is truly valid to *you.* And that doesn’t mean big brave faces you put on For The Twitter Stan Wars because you don’t want to lose digital clout when the newest episode falls through and blows your entire house of cards out of the water because you weren’t reading the actual subtext being hewn into the story by the authors -- or even forming a resilient resistant read of your own subtext that can hold -- but once that interpretation leaves your mouth to try to bounce off of other people’s viewpoints, you’re now indirectly challenging their viewpoint with theirs. If you stay in your cabal where you think the spirit of big bird has black eyes, and never subtweet or @ or whatever anybody else about this Hot Take, that’s fine, just don’t be surprised when you’re left defending that to whatever followers you pulled into the Big Bird Cabal.

Or you all sit in angry silence with each other and then start helicopter swinging at the writers for ruining The Spirit Of Big Bird that was never fucking there. Because you’re trying to apply patchy, unstable, and generally very piss poorly founded readings to a still released work.

So THAT lead in shoved off to the side about interpretation and keeping your interpretation to yourself if you don’t want to be challenged by far more solid interpretations, Because that’s how content discussion works,

SUBTEXT IS OFTEN A FORMULATIVE PART OF CANON, ESPECIALLY IF IT IS CODED, WHETHER WE ARE TALKING QUEER CODING OR ANY OTHER KIND OF CODING.

Subtext is a thematic undercurrent. Subtext is the unspoken soul of a piece, what lies in the blank space between the lines, but not just whatever you take the lines to be. If you sit down and write a lit paper, you’re gonna have to explain where you pulled your subtext out of.

You can either go the “Death of the Author” route where you summarily erase any commentary ever made and build your own, but you still need to be able to read the sum of the text and present what it all is. And most importantly you can’t just present what it’s not. If your entire reading of a work is trying to explain away common sense bullshit and it ends up reading like All Work No Play Makes Johnny Dull Boy because you had to build 82 nonlinear explanations around what you don’t want, and those all lead to nowhere, that professor is going to flunk the shit out of you. And if you use Death of an Author DEFINITELY don’t simultaneously try to appeal to authority with other quotes convenient to you.

Not Wanting something to Be So and going completely over the river and through the woods in completely disjointed intentionally maladapted readings of refusal doesn’t mean you’ve found subtext, it means you’ve chosen to make a reading -- an interpretation -- that is not really thematically sound with the body of work but for whatever reason, you’ve chosen to make that the meaning it has to *you.* And that’s fine. Unless you’re trying to impress a professor. Or jousting your opinion off of somebody else that isn’t doing cartwheels around the content to avoid the parts they don’t like (and get mad about it later.)

Removing all genuine thematic subtext and disregarding it from any part of the canon discussion of a piece is, however, devastating and essentially rips out the foundation of a piece. This has become all the more common as junk TV gets junkier and continues to appeal to the lowest common denominator that need to be reminded that 2+2=4 every three episodes before they accept that 2+2=4 in their respective canon universe, because otherwise they’ll claim it’s just subtext or someone else’s opinion that it equals 4.

And that’s not what these words mean and I am left eternally climbing up walls, because in this fandom, like... subtext, interpretation, coding, queerbait have all become one amorphous blob that just gets hurled around like four stuck together balls of Gak at a grade school party and just seeing where they splatter.

It is entirely possible for content to be subtextual and canon, if it is thematically resonant with the piece and a loud and fundamental part of its storytelling that it can not operate without acknowledging. Discussion of queer content aside, there’s a lot of shit this applies to. There’s a certain sense of good faith most authors put in their readers/viewers/whatever that people will have an fundamental understanding of the spirit of a work they’re conveying. This good faith amount varies depending on their projected demographic, but let me assure you, if your respective creator essentially has the characters stop and do “today I learned” narratives, or interruption explanation inserts over everything, there’s one of two reasons: 1. It’s a literal parody/comedy 2. It’s either geared for kids or they think you’re all fucking idiots.

As I don’t tend to watch parody, comedy, or kid shows, I tend to favor shows that don’t feel the need to handhold me through every instance of the show. Because I am not nor do I appreciate being treated like an idiot.

Subtext is a valuable part of canon as long as we are talking by virtue of “coding” not “random unfounded interpretation.”

Now, to the topic of queer coding, is it fundamentally gratifying to our primitive lizard brain survival instinct if we see characters kiss or whatever your personal landmark for gratification is? I mean, sure. Does the romance leading up to the kiss absolutely not matter at all until the kiss, or was that early state of subtext, dance, and non-consummation itself a valid romantic journey?

Because honestly this is something I feel current LGBT dialogue is missing. We’re so wounded from being caught in the subtext veil that we want confirmation, but everybody wants to skip the journey to the sweet stuff. I’m not saying every story needs to be a years long slow burn, but y’all. You know how we talk about het romance being boring as fuck because it’s like “dude/chick look at each other and they fuck and now they’re insufferable, hahahah is this what het culture is like is this what they call romance what kind of standards--”? Yeah, we’re rapidly snowplowing towards that.

I’m also not saying quick confirmation is bad either. There’s shows and stories where even pre-confirmed LGBT couples are GREAT to see, just existing in the population. Not every story needs to be THE grand romance, or THE great coming out adventure, some can have already had their adventures just like the Totally Het Neighbors Next Door and that’s... fine. That’s great, even.

But we are approaching Absolute Bottom Barrel Trash Content at terminal velocity, mostly just being exploited and monetized by corporations that are virtue signaling us to give at best sub-par turnout. The amount of currently airing shows with quality queer content can probably be counted on your two hands.QED there’s hundreds of shows, thousands depending on which networks you’re counting in your numbers. Off the top of my head, Legends of Tomorrow has a fabulously queer cast that Just Is without being defined only by having a partner nor being a rainbow lamp with a sticky note of plot directions.

But we are also signaling creators that it’s no longer safe *to* give us gradual, slow burns, or genuine romance either. And we’re ALSO signaling creators -- INCLUDING QUEER CREATORS -- that it is no longer safe to make subtextual or coded content.

“Well good!” you probably say.

NO, THIS IS BAD, THIS IS REALLY, REALLY BAD.

Because while you may live in a fantasy universe where X Network had Y show exactly This Gay To Ride, it’s in blatant disregard of inconsistent landmarks and limbo sticks different shows, creators, and products have to go through, and some people in some shows are trying REALLY REALLY HARD to give you resonant queer content and you’re just shitting all over them and yelling that it’s queerbait.

I mean, queerbait is the idea that someone is giving queer content without intent to follow through and generally to exploit a queer audience. The problem is, all queerbait accusations are launched in default bad faith. Some of that bad faith is earned. Some of it is not. Sometimes there’s a lesbian with a network executive breathing down her neck that just wants to let her girls be together so she has them hold hands, even if she knows The Straights will talk it away as best friends, no matter how many canonically romantic storylines they’ve wedged into the subtext through loudly recognizable tropes.

Queerbait is a VERY DANGEROUS CARD and MUST BE USED WITH EXTREME CAUTION. Because depending on the longevity of what you’re crowing about, without understanding of what’s going on beyond the production veil, you can very easily even get creatives and creators hard shut down on a network level for wanting to protect the product. I’m sure you think “make it gay!” is the one answer to that, but no, it isn’t always, not depending on what the old white guy network exec I mentioned a while ago has in his papers about what or who he interprets pulls his income and what they like via demographics or inconsistent marketing test groups.

That’s not to say never call out queerbait, but the internet desperately needs to be more conscious about when and where they fling it around. What if Korra fans started horrifically screeching about queerbait and blasting it all over the internet and @’ing production or even network people and making devoted articles to make it a shitshow that even hit GA impact zones? Do you really think Nickelodeon would look at their demographic paperwork and throw it in the air and go “Oh! Well we make it gay then.”

Or do you think they’d have left a hard feedback note to further divide those characters with a strong warning about limits and restrictions.

We are slowly moving out of the area of things like queer coded villains and have more migrated into an area of subversive queer coding, but a great deal of subversive queer coding has people lose their SHIT because Some Idiot On The Internet With A Shitty Take And Quarter Assed Interpretation told them “it’s just subtext so it’s not valid until they kiss”, setting out this roving goalpost everybody keeps running after like a goddamn donkey chasing a carrot on a stick, and in some cases completely unable to be reached, despite the LITERAL BEST INTENTION of the authors.

I’ve heard “well if they can’t Bring It All The Way, they shouldn’t at all.” What the FUCK? What kind of UNBEARABLY STRAIGHT WASHED WORLD do you want to live in? What kind of world do you think we’re living in right now? I regret to inform you, Trump got elected to office somehow and reversed a lot of LGBT protections somehow and it’s not just “because Russia,” it’s because there’s still a SHITTON of assholes out there that make corporations that bankroll TV SHITTONS of money and whether we like it or not, TV is a BUSINESS and we’re all DOLLAR SIGNS.

Stripping subversive queer coding, especially from the hands of queer authors, sets us back into a weird offset of primitive ages and extremized content, where the latter becomes poorly packaged lesbians dropped as a marketing plan to upsell Trendy New Teen Show without daring to rattle the middle aged demographic of a split political demographic in another show. No. Absolutely fucking not. Use some responsibility and apply some critical thinking before yelling queerbait and figure out where a problem is in any given situation, that’s all I fucking ask.

Hell for all you know those queer creators could be pitching it again and again behind the scenes, or baited on that side with maybes, or being stalled out by being told to wait for test marketing groups, and generally tugged around on their own leash where corporate is summarily watching the feedback to the blatant but subtextual and coded queer content.

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Now, ALL OF THIS becomes a fucking mess in discussion when people don’t box off these definitions and issues.

If people don’t realize the value of subtext to canon,

And people don’t understand the difference between coding and interpretation,

And people confuse queerbait with any of this,

You end up with some giant VAT of literally EVERYBODY sounding like dipshits because Anti A told Shipper B who loves queer author C and relationship D that It’s Just Subtext, and then Shipper B turns around and yells ITS NOT CANON YOU’RE IDIOTS FOR LOVING IT in their pained bitterness, but then Anti A brings Anti B back and they decide they optically prefer relationship Z that has no actual coding or subtext, but they’ve strapped together their own interpretation, but they confuse interpretation and subtext, and break out all interpretations are equal even if they are not in the body of the actual canon work, but now everybody is yelling it’s not canon because nobody even fucking knows what any of these words mean anymore, and then Shippers A-Z turn around and start yelling queerbait at a gay author just trying to write his little gay heart out-- you see the problem, right?

On the other hand, there’s fandoms where people confuse these same points and think their uncorroborated interpretation is subtext simply because they chose to interpret it that way, and with enough voices drawn into it in the vat of “all interpretations are equal”, turn around and yell queerbait at authors who are scratching their heads going “the fuck are you on about”

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Other bad takes: The opinions of actors really don’t fucking matter. I don’t care if they’re pro-relationship or anti-relationship or just pro/anti any idea other than a relationship. This is like taking the opinion of some dude who played Hamlet an eternity ago for Shakespeare while Shakespeare was still alive and writing about what Shakespeare’s writing meant. His opinion may be meaningful to him, but it is his own interpretation. If Shakespeare wrote Hamlet The Sequel the actor could turn out entirely wrong about what he was babbling about.

Actors are just interpreting the art to screen like you are. Acting is an interpretive art. They’re just. Interpreting. Just like you. So stop whipping out statements of actors against each other. You might as well be quoting jared-uwu-cest.tumblr dot com as an authority for your bad fucking take. Stop it. If actors on the same set have conflicting opinions and are just talking about their opinion, their opinion doesn’t mean shit more than any other fan of the source content, unless they are hand delivering statements, cited, from specific authors they’ve communicated with about the work they’re interpreting from (coming to mind, the time Jensen Ackles went to showrunner Jeremy Carver confused about the romance with Amara feeling right, only to tell us that Jeremy Carver told us that Amara wasn’t his romance, she was his kryptonite).

Now if you’re choosing death of the author NONE of this is relevant, obviously, because you shouldn’t be citing ANY of this, because then you’re just playing to discussion points for convenience. But if you are looking for actual intent, the actor’s interpretation is only as valid as any other dedicated interpretation, albeit possibly more or less sounded in awareness of the text, but is otherwise only as valuable for how direct of a voice box they are being for what authors said about specific scenes. Hell, most things are filmed out of order and many actors don’t watch the whole piece. It already consumes their work life, it won’t consume their home life, no matter how much they love it, they haven’t reviewed the full body of the piece externally as a finished product, just processed emotions out of sequence.

THERE WAS A NEW AVENGER THAT DIDNT EVEN REALIZE HE WAS ACTING A NEW AVENGER UNTIL HE TOOK HIS KIDS TO THE MOVIES AND WAS LIKE “OH SHIT I’M AN AVENGER.” Stop BANKING on actor statements.

This also gets more complicated in group writing projects such as TV shows with multiple authors. And MORE complicated explaining that complication to fandom when they get positive statements from the creator of a show who is the *only* author and then turn around and yell “WHY DIDN’T [OTHER FANDOM]” do that when like, IDK, 6/40 authors have over the course of however long it’s been written on, most have been radio silent and one other had a different opinion and then you just expect some group borg rising of everybody who’s ever written on the show to come and hand deliver you individual hand-fed statements about what they meant.

This entire thing also foregoes the import of directors and how they work with their set dressers as part of the creative process; they’re what manifest the text into a visual medium of the story, which may or may not be identical to the author’s intent. Again, to hearken back to Supernatural as my root fandom here, it’s been mentioned Sgriccia knew how to work with everyone and get what they were meaning to convey with how long he worked on set, so generally, authors and Sgriccia cooperated really well in a full art. Whereas that nightmare of an episode Don’t Go In The Woods was directed by a VFX guy as his first directing experience and we could see he barely knew how to work with actors much less the spirit of the text; he just had great understanding of environment.

These things, these opinions, these takes also matter. Because TV is a different form. I generally don’t see people arguing Pride & Prejudice on twitter, it’s usually TV/movies. Lit theory is incredibly valid for understanding the pace and flow of a body of work but you also have to understand what authors are deeply plugged into that, what directors are deeply plugged in, who’s an experimental folly they’ll patch up the work of afterward, it’s not the same as just reading a novel by one author or, at most, a few co authors in immediate harmony.

Like I don’t know if people think I did my Crazy Pagan Magic to come up with the season 14 ending like I had a pages-long rant reel of direct quotes and shots that literally predicted that Jack was going to lose his soul, become faux-god, and Dean was going to be given an ultimatum of shooting him, probably after killing Mary, because getting the yellow eyed thing was the point right--but that the true scarlet letterman wasn’t their lost child, but the absent father. The Great Father who left all questions--the god of control. But dad told you to put a bullet in me, and you didn’t.

Like, anyone remember me spouting literally all of these things across different posts? It’s not magic. So while Christians in fandom are turning themselves into pretzels making shitbrained theories trying to explain why it Wasn’t Really Chuck Or Chuck Isn’t Really God, I’ve got a few hundred pages of thesises here talking about this being exactly where they were going because of SUBTEXT. Because it’s PART OF THE CANON AND BUILDING THE FUNDAMENTAL STORY.

If it comes to a textual head like Chuck, great. But people have to recognize whatever landmark they set for what they consider a textual head is entirely subject to the creators or, worse, a network. The same way in season 11 they got told they couldn’t kill God, here we go on take 2, maybe the network changed it’s mind, we’ll find out.

These things all interplay VERY IMPORTANTLY with each other and also, this issue goes WELL BEYOND Supernatural fandom. At some point in history a bunch of people in multiple fandoms started slinging these words around without understanding them and bounced them off of more people that don’t understand them and it turns into a goddamn hot mess because nobody’s using words like they mean anymore, just vaguely beating each over the head with it, and it’s driving me i n s a n e. Hell, y’all are undermining YOURSELVES half the time by the way people have taught you to misuse words.

ALSO WRT “CANON”

Most of the above covers what canon is within the way it’s abused in fandom, but I’ve seen some people take the idea of it being accepted into a body of work by the authors as meaning like, every reading of the material needs to be acknowledged by the authors. I already detailed what it means. It’s absolutely not that. 100%. I don’t give a shit how you choose to interpret that. Because there is literally no way on planet earth an author has made a full statement confirming every detail about every part of their book and that goalpost doesn’t just magically manifest when we’re talking about, say, gay shit. Or powers you don’t like. If it’s thematically there, it’s thematically there, you can’t hackjob it out of canon just because This Specific Idea doesn’t have a Canon For Dummies statement attached to it, or worse, one attached to it specifically to your liking, since people like interpreting away ones based on their preferences rather than reason.

Similarly it doesn’t mean there’s a magic goalpost of a vagueblogged percentage of people that must accept the content for it to be canon. Hell, like half the fandom still tricked themselves into thinking there was a reaper retcon in season 9 (x) that NEVER FUCKING EXISTED IN ANY DAMN CAPACITY. Large groups of people choosing to miss the point doesn’t mean the canon didn’t hold the point, simply that they chose to draw another point out of it. Generally, in a still releasing work, that also leaves them disappointed and confused later (such as when someone claimed they retconned the nonexistent reaper retcon, because I heard you like retcons.)

There is no magic percent, no magic statement. These things are nice, but they aren’t what makes canon. Canon is the actual accepted body of work such as seasons, episodes, books, movies, or whatever else as part of the universe. (Eg: Supernatural’s novels are officially noncanonical and not part of discussion of canon content. They are not accepted into canon. That’s what this means.)

Also if you’re talking about canon quantify it. You can be as tired as you want about bad rep, but bad rep quality has nothing to do with the canon source content. You can be as tired about lowkey gayness as you want but are you saying the canon material isn’t romantic at all, or are you saying the characters aren’t consummated yet. If the canon material isn’t canonically romantic why are you yelling queerbait; or acknowledge the value of queer unconsummated canon romances even if you aspire for more, but don’t bounce that goalpost around for convenience, fuck sake.

DID U KNOW that things can be CANONICALLY ROMANTIC without being CANONICALLY CONSUMMATED? Or that even a queer author’s idea of what reads as consummated canon may not be the same as yours? Did you know that a MLM LGBT author in his 40s may have very different ideas of how to express an MLM romance than a bunch of WLW LGBT women of any age, because there’s intersectionality at play? If you don’t want bi men determining how lesbians should be represented we need to apply that all around, kids.

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So sure, your interpretation can be valid, for you. But once you joust others, or pin your interpretation on the show without careful exploration of the actual intentful themes, you’re gonna probably be disappointed as it releases and uproots your ideas. Now the question is if you are willing to hold mature intelligent discourse about other people’s potential interpretations and readings, or if you’re going to grapple onto your old, broken interpretation like Gollum with the Ring because it’s your precious and you’ll let it send you crawling into a moldy cave hissing at anyone happily walking by.

Is Your Interpretation worth your anger when it falls through Do you even WANT to like the show? Do you literally prefer staying angry over reviewing your take compared to people who are still happy with it? Why AREN’T you willing to figure out where you went left of canon?

And furthermore, is your anger and broken interpretation/expectations worth holding onto a damn ring/show that clearly isn’t what you thought it was, or can you toss your fiery stan rage into Mordor before you turn into a twitter goblin and find a place you can interpret differently that makes you happy?

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Lesson: Stop being fandom goblins

Also @tinkdw

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chibi-chaos · 5 years

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And Then the Floodgates Opened

Soooo this was inspired by a post I saw a bit ago, but unfortunately I had not had the time to edit this until now. At least I didn’t completely abandon it XD

There’s a use of oc’s in this to kinda build up the history that’s happened - but it’s focused on a glorious scene in the Pacific Rim Novelization that it wish had happened.

Warning: Angst be ahead. Honestly it’s not that high in angsty but I shall still warn.

________________________________________________________

“Hey, who wants to hear a joke?”

“What do Jaegers and my marriage have in common?”

“They both seemed like a good idea at the time, now they ain’t working, and they’re both still costing a fortune.”

Raleigh had tried to forget those faces… the voices he could pair with them. He tried to forget the memories that both would trigger. The past was a painful place and the future too bleak to turn to… survival and the now was where it was at these days.

But congratulations to his asshole boss, the guy had managed to dig enough that it seemed the floodgate had opened up just enough to make it hard to focus on the now.

Miles had insulted the program. The thing Yancy had died for. You insult one, and you have insulted the other at the same time. Tommy might have been right when he said punching the asshole wasn’t worth losing his job… but the nagging part of his brain swore that Yancy was worth it.

It swore even more relentlessly smug look Miles had sent his way. He wanted nothing more than to punch it off that mans face… It made it almost easy to hear the non-existent ‘easy there kid’ that his mind offered in Yancy’s voice.

He tried to move on and focus back on his rations but seemed like he had slipped down the rabbit hole. The image of Herc and Chuck Hansen had him remembering what he knew of the two, what he recalled of Sydney. Made him remember Yamarashi before once more he had to drag his mind back to the present.

Tommy’s question of ‘who can, in a world like this’ in regards to having kids made Raleigh remember of the rangers who had. Pentecost who took a child under his wing, young girl years back… And then there was one who had one during the escalation of things… He barely knew anything of McRae due to their different postings but he could remember the dark haired man cradling a tiny bundle letting out a soft chuckle as the baby gurgled – staring at her as if she was his entire world.

…similarly he could recall the image on the TV of a Kaiju smashing through Liberator’s COMMPOD…

And maybe Pentecost’s appearance hadn’t done him any favours in remembering things…. But Miles’ second round of a joke definitely didn’t.

“Oh hey, this reminds me – how many Jaegers does it take to change a light bulb? None! Cause these days, everybody knows they can’t change shit.”

It was like that the floodgate opened fully, or the switch had been flipped as Raleigh’s grip on his beer tightened.

Memories of him and Yancy sharing a beer, led to almost hearing the deep breathy accented laugh followed by a ‘you Becket’s will be the death of me’ paired with amused blue eyes as the New Zealander dragged their potentially drunk asses back to base before the three of them were booted out of the academy. Raleigh hated the foreshadowing that held now… they sighed the terms of Evan’s death to that day…

Thinking of Evan led to thinking of Waimarie. Was she alive? He didn’t have the heart to check after seeing the image of Kraken shoving it’s arm down the kaiju’s throat and blowing it up… that was a move of someone who had desperate.

Remembering of Waimarie meant remembering that fact that she was younger, she was younger who balanced education with fighting kaiju. It made him remember the parties that were held when she had finished her university course. The one time several Shatterdomes had their pilots in the same spot – definitely showing the found family most of them had become.

He remembering the Kaidonovksy’s handing Waimarie a shot of vodka, and being amused when he watched her splutter after drinking it.

The Gage’s and Matador Fury’s pilots in a battle for the kitchen… well at least there had been a lot of food resulting from that.

And suddenly he was remembering the time to Wei Tang triplets had returning one time with take out having told no one where they went.

He remembered hearing Nova Hyperion’s pilots talk about their experience with the kaiju being their reason for signing up for the PPDC.

The twist in his gut tightened as his mind reminded him of a similar story and how that to Vanguard Haechi torn to shreds barely recoverable. Or Tacit Ronin cut in half laying in what was once a city and at that moment was only ruins.

As more memories flickered through his head at a fast pace Raleigh silently looked to the beer in his hand as Miles reminded him of his ‘place’.

“Easy boy, don’t forget I’m the one in charge here.”

“Well then… let’s drink to that.”

It was with that Raleigh made a move that probably would have had Yancy both proud and internally screaming, Evan wearily sigh and a few other former fellow cadets turned rangers howl with laughter.

Miles definitely didn’t see Raleigh slamming his face on a beer can coming.

#Pacific Rim #pacific rim au #ocs #raleigh becket

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amandajoyce118 · 5 years

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Agents of SHIELD S6E06 “Inescapable” Easter Eggs And References

In this week’s episode, Fitz and Simmons find themselves reunited, but sharing a mindspace while the Chronocoms want them to work out time travel. It leads to some unexpectedly therapeutic tracking through old memories.

As usual, there are spoilers. Again, SPOILERS if you haven’t yet watched the episode. You’ve been warned.

Spoilers.

Seriously.

Last warning.

The White Room

This is probably unintentional, and the white room they end up in is likely just meant to look like the blank slate it is, but… it made me think of another white room from Marvel Comics. Specifically, the White Hot Room. That’s the name of the Purgatory like space that the Phoenix Force inhabits pretty often. It’s also where Jean Grey recharges and accesses all of her memories when she and the Phoenix re-merge. It’s just a very striking similarity since Dark Phoenix was just in theaters (and the movie doesn’t use that comic book aspect at all).

Fitz’s Proposal

If Fitz’s proposal sounds familiar, that’s because we’ve heard it before. Last season, when he found Jemma, she couldn’t hear him, but he gave her nearly the exact same speech. (Edited to add: She also answered him the same way he answered her when she proposed last season. Nice. And she knew exactly how his speech would end, which means she must have asked him at some point last season how he proposed when she couldn’t hear him. Also, right before Fitz proposes, you’ll spot his bad hand twitching a bit, a nervous tick Iain has kept using since his season two injury. Love the character consistency.)

Alice In Wonderland

A hole appearing in the white room that Jemma escapes through and Fitz following her into her own childhood bedroom feels like a very intentional nod to going “down the rabbit holt” and Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

Jemma’s Room

I know I’m going to miss some things in Jemma’s room, but there is so much going on in here. Obviously, the book about her and Fitz, but there’s more. We see she’s a Jane Goodall fan because that photograph features prominently. There are stars on her ceiling, likely a nod to the times she spent studying the stars while recovering from surgery as a kid. She has so many samples on her shelves that I wish I could actually see what they all are. There’s a Winnie the Pooh which doubles as a nod to the Disney parent company and it being one of those very English animated properties (edited to add it is technically Canadian) for kids. Not to mention fellow MCU alum Hayley Atwell starred in Christopher Robin. Right next to Winnie is a Paddington Bear, which is a nice touch. Also, the butterfly painting on her wall that looks like it’s a little mixed media with butterfly pieces on the bottom? That was in Jemma’s Hydra apartment in season two. (I remember that odd detail because I used it in a fic.)

Edited to add that Jemma has a serious thing for butterflies that makes me curious. In addition to the butterfly print from season two, there are framed butterflies on shelves, and sample vials of other butterflies in her collection, and even butterflies on the tea set that she and Fitz have in the white room. I wonder if it’s because they were easy for her to study as a kid, or if she was fascinated by their transformation, or something else. Is that something else, perchance, something to do with Sarge’s Snowflake? She does like to go on about how people become beautiful butterflies after she stabs them. Is this just a weird bit of foreshadowing? Showing a connection between them? Is Snowflake another’s world’s version of Jemma? Oh, that would be weird. But food for thought.

Also edited to add: the book doesn’t just feature Fitz as the prince in the stars and Simmons as the princess looking for him. It also features Mack as a strong bear and Daisy as a quick rabbit, which are interesting choices. I’m assuming it’s them only because they’re the friends they call later in the episode. I mean, it could be that the animals are Daisy and Piper since they went to space together, but that would make Davis the monkey? lol

Cuttlefish

Okay, I’m editing this one in because it struck me, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to include it until I looked up the sea creature. So, I initially thought this was a nod to Jemma talking about fish in the pod at the bottom of the ocean in season one. And maybe it is. But, the cuttlefish is actually from the same taxonomic class as squids... like the symbol for Hydra. Nice nod either way.

Fitz’s Academy Dorm

Hey, Bonus mention of Anne Weaver! I enjoy her. The show should try to get her back for a cameo or two.

Okay, I’ll admit I was too focused on them processing the memory to focus on everything in Fitz’s room, but I did spot that massive Manchester banner. Just a reminder that’s Fitz’s team and Hunter is not a fan, as we learned last season. I might catch more on a rewatch, but feel free to tell me what I missed in both of their rooms.

Edited to add: Fitz is wearing the “same” dark blue hoodie that Jemma wears around the base in season three when she returns from Maveth. It’s not actually the same, but we’re clearly meant to think it’s the same one that fits her because it is far too small for Iain to be wearing it over two more layers of clothing. Also, even before Jemma mentions Fitz being manic, you can actually seen hand drawn monkeys on the wall like what Fitz did in the prison cell. Only a few before they start discussing his state of mind and then show Jemma looking at them on the wall. Also, the tie that Fitz wears when they meet Coulson is hanging on his coat rack.

Side note: I found it interesting, though I loathe the term, that Jemma says she friendzoned Fitz in that scene. That means that Jemma at the Academy must have had some inkling that Fitz had a crush on her. Or, this is just Jemma looking back on it with the benefit of over a decade of experience with Fitz and realizing it. Either way, it confirms that Fitz always thought she was the coolest, even while he was busy arguing with her.

Jemma Needs Therapy

I love that Jemma’s problems locked in a box are an amalgam of all her traumas. (Also, it’s funny to me that she has a little pink safe on her dresser that she could have locked her troubles away in, but instead, it’s the easy to open jewelry box.) This version of Jemma looks like a monster, but she’s wearing her shirt from Maveth and shreds of her Kree-slave attire, carrying the shiv from Maveth, has gold paint on her forehead from her time in the future. (Edited to add: she’s also covered in dirt with a hoarse voice, and I’ve noticed some people think that’s a nod to her emerging from a grave in the Framework, which is a good catch. I thought it was simply to make her look more like a monster, but it makes sense that it’s a nod to what she discovered in the Framework now that I’ve watched the episode again, and this “monster” only emerges after they’re faced with the Doctor.) She’s the embodiment of all the bad things Jemma has gone through, and Fitz is right that she’d be better off with therapy instead of keeping the English stiff upper lip.

Meeting Coulson

The scene where the two of them meet and get recruited by Coulson makes me wonder if it happened immediately before we meet them in the pilot episode. Why? Because they’re wearing their pilot episode clothes, though the hair, of course, is not exactly accurate. (Edited to add: Simmons telling Fitz, “yes, I’ve heard the stories, don’t be weird” is a nod to Coulson’s death being on record. They weren’t at a high enough clearance level to actual know he was alive.)

Edited to add: can we talk about how significant it is that Fitz “fights” the demon version of Jemma on the part of the quinjet where he first thought he was going to lose Jemma? It’s where he couldn’t get his parachute on in “FZZT” and Ward went to save her instead. I just found that location choice interesting. It’s not the bus from season one. It’s definitely an updated quinjet, probably because they don’t have the same exact set pieces anymore, but it looks strikingly similar. Demon-demon asking Fitz if his lungs or bones will go first? That’s a nod to the scene of she and Daisy torturing an alien this season when they were looking for Fitz. Clearly, though she saw the intimidation and torture as necessary, it left it’s mark on her.

Also, I didn’t mention in when I initially posted this, but I think them choosing Daisy and Mack to save them speaks more to how they view them than just what cast was available. We’ve seen Hunter literally pull Fitz out of prison, yet he chooses Mack to save him from Jemma. Why? I feel like he might trust Mack with Jemma’s trauma more than he trusts Hunter. Because Mack was there for most of it, and because Mack was there for his own recovery in season two before he became closer to Hunter. Likewise, Jemma calling Daisy and not May, or Elena? That’s because Daisy has had her back for a year in space. She’s seen Daisy literally take out an entire room of badguys while drugged up on puffies, so of course, Daisy is her first choice. Daisy has also already had the Doctor in her own head when Fitz had his psychotic break last season, so it’s a bit of symmetry there too.

Trapped In A Pod

Okay, so it’s sweet that they realize they don’t just have to rely on one another and call Daisy and Mack for backup against the dark parts of their minds. I enjoy that, as well as the symmetry of them both getting to see each other’s worst parts. What I really love here though is that this is the angrier version of the season one pod scene. The two of them run away from their troubles only to be trapped together in an enclosed space, yet again, to yell at one another about all the things they haven’t had the chance to argue about before. Watching the scene, I literally said that the only thing that would make it better would be if it was actually at the bottom of the ocean. Of course, they realized that and it filled with water. Of course. The arguing in the middle of the water, just as it did in season one, leads to their confessing their feelings. It’s a lovely, symmetrical, story of their relationship, this episode.

That Makeout

Leopold and Demon Jemma going at it while Fitz and Simmons argue? This just further proves that all that bantering in the early seasons was really foreplay, right?

That’s all I’ve got, for now. I’m sure I missed some things just because of the nature of the episode. It’s taking us on a walk through memories, some we’ve seen, so there are likely more that are harder to spot. Let me know what I missed!

#agents of shield #aos season 6 #aos spoilers #aos easter eggs #fitzsimmons

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letterboxd · 5 years

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Life in Film: Michael Tyburski.

The Sound of Silence director Michael Tyburski shares some insights into the making of his debut feature, and answers our new “life in film” questionnaire.

In The Sound of Silence, Peter Sarsgaard is Peter Lucian, a house tuner in New York City who believes that the notes emitted from a household’s appliances must harmonize in order to bring peace to its residents. However, his state of mind collapses when he struggles to apply his methods for a new client, Ellen (Rashida Jones).

Directed by Michael Tyburski and based on a short film he made with co-writer Ben Nabors in 2013, The Sound of Silence debuted at the Sundance Film Festival and stood out for its “remarkably silly” unique premise and strong performance from Sarsgaard. Fans of ASMR, get your headphones out; the film’s sound design will trigger those sensations.

The Sound of Silence started life as your short film Palimpsest. Is the ‘house tuner’ occupation at all based in reality? Michael Tyburski: The short answer is no, it’s a fictional profession. The character idea is something that my co-writer Ben Nabors brought to me. Right away, I loved the idea of a practise where someone shows up at your door and offers you a solution to the emotional problems that you’re having.

A lot of alternative therapies exist in New York City so it didn’t seem so far from reality that people would take someone intellectual, dressed well in a tweed blazer, with professional-looking tools, seriously. I really liked that as a conceit. We tried to base it in real science and looked at sound engineers and acousticians for what tools they would use. We tried to make it exist in a very real New York City; that’s why we have touchstones like the character being profiled in The New Yorker.

How has your research into music theory affected your own domestic space? Actually, I moved, for the first time in ten years—after living on a pretty noisy commercial street—during the course of developing and making this movie. Somehow, during the edit, I made my first apartment move within New York City, to a much quieter street. I also took a cue from the main character, Peter Lucian, because I moved my office below my apartment, in a subterranean space. At least I can control the sound a little bit more now that I’m cut off from the surface level, similar to the way Peter does it in his “fallout shelter”.

Michael Tyburski and Peter Sarsgaard on the set of The Sound of Silence. / Photo: James Chororos

The character Peter Lucian feels like a perfect fit for Peter Sarsgaard. When did you have him in mind? He was my first pick. I knew I wanted him from the beginning when I first started thinking about who would be the perfect house tuner. I feel so lucky to have him and fortunately the script resonated with him right away. He’s someone who’s very musically inclined and he plays a number of musical instruments. I was so gratified that he connected to the part so closely.

He’s such a chameleon of an actor. He can play a lot of dark roles, but also he has a very scientist-like intellect. I also think he has one of the best voices, it’s very unique and I enjoy hearing him. So for a movie about sound, it kind of seemed fitting that someone with those types of qualities would work for the role.

What was important to you about keeping Peter’s house-tuning technology analog instead of digital? I think he’s just someone who has the philosophy of “if it’s not broke, don’t fix it”. Even though his tools are a little more dated, they’re still as effective. They might not be as efficient as digital technology so he’s a little slower, but they still work. There is at least one sound engineer in New York City who we found in our research who measures the sound in rooms, and there’s one thing called a spectrum analyzer that we use in the film that we completely got from this guy’s tool bag.

Director Michael Tyburski.

The film is carefully crafted and you have Peter obsessing over every inch of New York City. What degree of obsession did you have in the making of the film? I’m pretty obsessive as an individual in general. I like to be very organized and have everything mapped out. We had been developing the screenplay for so many years that I got tired of reading it, so before we made the movie, the first thing I did after Peter came on board was sit down and record the entire script in audio format. I kind of had this radio edit of the movie. That transitioned into a rough animatic of the film that I put into the timeline and I was able to add in location references, tonal reference photos, dialogue in different room tones, and then music.

Logistics-wise, we only had 21 days to shoot the movie which is very conservative especially because we had a lot of ground to cover, but I just needed to be as efficient as possible, so it was helpful to have that thorough, animatic tool.

With all the technical departments it was a very close collaboration and I like to be very involved in all details. For the sound design, I wanted to re-record all of the tuning forks, which were kind of an aural motif through the film. When you’re shooting in the elements, you don’t always have the control over the environment, so I hand-recorded each one of the tuning forks myself. We were aiming for that level of precision.

We’d like to ask a few questions about your life in film. What was the film that made you want to become a filmmaker? My choice is probably not that unique but when I was 13, maybe a little too young, I got a VHS copy of Pulp Fiction. That stunned me and took me from A to B. It shook up how I thought contemporary American stories could be told.

Which film do you think is the best love letter to New York? Annie Hall, closely tied with Midnight Cowboy. I suppose I love that era of New York.

Which film has the greatest sound design work of all time? There’s a lot, but one of my favorites is Play Time.

Nice choice. Greatest production design of all-time too. Yeah, not bad. I used a few frames for my look book.

Jacques Tati’s ‘PlayTime’ (1967).

Which is the most overlooked performance from Peter Sarsgaard? I loved him in Experimenter, which I think is an underrated film. More recently too, Errol Morris’s Wormwood. I don’t know how many people went down that rabbit hole because it was long, but I think he was so good in it.

What films did you watch to prepare you for The Sound of Silence? There were three that we were looking at, for a lot of different reasons. We watched Jonathan Glazer’s Birth for the mood and that fairytale vibe it has in a mysterious, alternate New York City.

Being John Malkovich for its bizarro version of science, and I love the naturalistic quality to that film. And obviously The Conversation for its production design and how it follows a man obsessed with sound.

This is a nicely-timed, autumnal, gentle film. What films give you those peaceful autumn vibes? My favorite is Hannah and Her Sisters.

What mindfuck movie changed you for life? I’ll have a couple Kubrick on this list, but for this probably A Clockwork Orange.

It’s Halloween next month. What movie do you watch every Halloween? The Shining! There’s my next Kubrick.

As a teenager, what film character felt like a total mirror to what you were feeling at the time? One of my favorite coming-of-age films is Harold and Maude. I definitely identified with Harold.

What’s your go-to comfort movie? And how many times do you think you’ve seen it? My favorite film of all time, which I promise will be my last Kubrick, is Barry Lyndon. I think it’s just a perfect movie and I’ve certainly seen it dozens of times. I think it does everything I want in a movie. I don’t even know what genre to call it because it’s funny, it’s dramatic, it’s an epic. I love the idea of doing a perfect epic movie that covers a lot of ground.

Stanley Kubrick’s ‘Barry Lyndon’ (1975).

What film do you have fond memories of watching with your parents? We were a big Chevy Chase household and National Lampoon’s Vacation holds up as a fine movie.

What’s a classic you could just not get into? Maybe Brazil. Admittedly I think I need to rewatch it because I first saw it when I was 14 or 15 and I just didn’t quite get it at the time.

What classic are you embarrassed to say you haven’t seen? Two Kurosawa films; Rashomon and Seven Samurai. They’re always on my list to brush up and they seem to come up in conversation more and more.

Which movie scene makes you cry the most? Definitely the holiday classic It’s A Wonderful Life.

What film was your entry point into non-English language cinema? That was a good one, I like that question. I remember when I was in my freshman year of high school I was given two VHS copies from someone who knew I was getting into film. One of those films was Persona, but then the other one, which I knew I watched first, was a film called Woman in the Dunes.

What filmmaker—living or dead—do you envy the most? If Kubrick, go for living… If it’s Kubrick go for living? Oh my gosh.

I feel like you’re going to say Kubrick. Yeah. Envy is a funny word. Kubrick has an admirable career for the depth of his filmography. You know, like a lot of film nerds I’m a huge Paul Thomas Anderson fan.

Christopher Nolan’s ‘The Prestige’ (2006).

What’s a film that you wish you made? I would love to make a movie about magic but ever since I saw The Prestige I think it would be hard to compete with that. That period, that Victorian era of illusion, I don’t know if you can top that.

It’s time for best-of-decade lists. What’s the greatest film of the 2010s? If we went back even further it would be easier. For the last 10 years, I think Phantom Thread is pretty great.

‘The Sound of Silence’ was released on September 13 by IFC Films and is in select cinemas now.

#the sound of silence #michael tyburski #peter sarsgaard #new york #kubrick #filmmaker #director #best of #letterboxd

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ladylynse · 5 years

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Hello, I apologize if you have already answered what I am about to ask. When you write a story how do you develop the plot? And do you ever think about plot holes? If so how do you prevent those?

Hi, Anon. Thanks for asking!

I start with my idea. Sometimes it’s as simple as “it would be hilarious if Maddie saw Phantom get hit with the Booo-merang when she knows it reacts to her son”. Sometimes it’s a paragraph or two or ten of random ideas smushed together(technical term)--this is more or less the stage my DPxML fic is at. There’s a lot of me going, “Oooh, this would be fun” or “ooh, or I could do this”, and I’ll actually talk to myself like that in my notes. It’s long, ramble-y, grammatically incorrect, and basically the equivalent of me brainstorming some sort of initial idea, the root of the story. (I’m already rambling, so the rest of the answer will be under a read more.)

I then start doing a bit of research on stuff I’ll need to write the story. Depending on how long I’ve been in a fandom, this can be very basic stuff (people’s names) to more specific things (what day does Adrien have fencing?) and will always include some sort of cheat sheet for myself if the characters use slang (like Randy. And Jake.). If I come up with any ideas--or potential ideas--while doing that, I jot them down. Even if it’s a couple lines of dialogue or a way to end a scene, at some point, if I can write that scene into the story (eg Gwaine saw Merlin’s eyes glow gold.) All of this starts in my initial fic document and eventually gets moved to a scrap file associated with that fic. Do not delete ideas/scenes/dialogue/anything even if you aren’t currently using it. You might be able to recycle them into a different fic or later in the current story.

Then I start writing. To see if it’ll work. Even if I don’t have a very clear idea of where things are going yet, and certainly no idea of the end. Sometimes I need to try a few different ways to start a story (Reflections went through various iterations. Mockingbird and my DPxML fic are still in that stage) before I find one that seems to flow. That’s when I look at the situation the characters are in (or about to be in) and try to figure out their actions and reactions to the stuff I’m putting them through. And then I try to let that drive the plot. It’s something I’ve gotten better at over time--making it less obvious that the characters are doing that because that’s the way I want the story to go--but my best plots tend to be character-driven. (This may or may not help you avoid some plot holes. Depends on what the plot hole is. It’ll hopefully help you cut down on the “well, why didn’t they do that like they always do?” sort.)

If you need a character to do something that’s not in character for your plot to go the way you want, you need to give them a reason to act out of character (eg Danny not telling Jake his secret because there’s a paranormal studies/ghost hunters convention in town--and because Jazz keeps ragging on him). If you can’t give them that reason, then you need to find another way to achieve what you want to happen without them doing that--or change your initial idea for the plot. Even if you start with a plan in mind, you will probably have to tweak it at some point. This is normal. You’re just adapting to your story. Sometimes, a story will get away on you--it’ll write itself in a direction you weren’t expecting or past the point where you’d initially figured it would end (hello, Treachery)--but, at least in my experience, if it’s the characters driving the story that way, and you let them, it can actually turn out to be a better story than what you’d initially planned. (Again: Treachery. The unplanned part ie second half is much better than the planned part.) It’s just a matter of keeping them reasonably in character so that things don’t get too out of hand.

I only think about plot holes once I notice them. Honestly, I’ve gotten good at patching. If something doesn’t occur to me, I can’t prevent writing it in. It’s not so much plot hole prevention for me as adaptation of the story to make it more acceptable once I realize it’s there.

Sometimes, when I’m editing a chapter or rereading something to remind myself of the story thus far/what’s happened, I’ll see something that doesn’t work that I’d missed before. (Random note on the ‘remembering what’s happened’ bit: if you plan a long fic taking place over multiple days, do yourself a favour and make a timeline for yourself in your scrap file. So much easier. That’ll allow you to make accurate references like “last week” and “three days ago”. I did this with Shattered and regretted nothing.) Once I notice a plot hole, I consider the damage. Have I posted something where it’s already stated? If I haven’t, repairing it typically isn’t that hard, though of course it depends on what it is--you just need to give it some justification, shaky or otherwise, or do a bit of rewriting to patch it up. Once it’s firmly written in and you don’t notice it until chapters later, your best bet is writing in justification for it later. In some cases, this involves you turning your plot hole into a plot point. It may be a small plot point or it might be a significant one that will actually shift your intended story a little bit. I did this a lot with my earlier Doctor Who crossovers. I got quite good at retroactive patching there, and my plot hole turned into foreshadowing, although in all fairness all of those involved time travel to one degree or another so that made things a bit easier; I didn’t have to stick to the rules of the actual universe.

So here’s a plot hole of mine that’s recent that you might have noticed if you’ve read Down the Rabbit Hole: the note on Toby’s bed. Why...why are they communicating that way? Why go to the trouble of sending a note to him that way? Why not just phone or text or email? I missed that initially. And now I see it. And now I have justification (that hasn’t yet appeared in-fic) for not communicating by normal 21-century means. Depending on how things go, it might be hinting at something bigger, or it might just be a small one-off thing.

Now, in case you’re interested in my disaster of a ‘planning paragraph’, this was how Masks began--and please bear in mind I’d seen ten episodes, subbed, at this point and wasn’t entirely sure on what stuff was called:

Blademaster. Fights with knives. Unless it’s someone fromAdrien’s fencing class; the transformation could make that thing deadly sharp.That’s better, actually. Go with that. Marinette actually beats Adrien to thetransformation because she was skulking around waiting for him to come outafter class/lesson/club/whatever it is is over (to just ‘happen to be there’and try to ask him to catch a movie or something in casual conversation) andheard the commotion, while he got caught up in the fleeing people beforemanaging to sidestep and transform. Ladybug hasn’t managed to get the swordaway from Blademaster in the meantime and nearly gets the cord of her luckycharm thing cut for her trouble. Chat Noir shows up and pretty much fences withhis quarterstaff thing until Blademaster starts to cheat, at which point hevaults over him and tags him from behind, hoping the distraction is enough forLadybug to free herself from whatever she ended up in. Evil moth guy isdemanding the gems, so Blademaster starts trying to take a slice out of ChatNoir, who evades rather than parries, trying to draw Blademaster awayfrom…something…and Ladybug takes over when he’s backed into a corner and needsto turn to scale the wall. She yells at him to get the something away if he’sfigured out what Blademaster is after—she hasn’t, yet; just that the blade isprobably what the akuma is in—and Adrien, being there for the transformation,knows exactly what happened and can oblige. But he isn’t long out the door whenhe hears Ladybug scream; Blademaster had either grabbed another blade orsomehow acquired something sharp—I’ve never fenced; I’m not entirely sure howsharp those things are—and while avoiding one blow, she jolted off the courseof the other and got her earlobe sliced off/the gem ripped out. Blademaster hasa gem—moth guy is rejoicing and demanding he now get the other one—andMarinette, with one hand clamped to her ear, has to get out of there despitethe pain because as much as she needs to get Tikki (?) back, she doesn’t wantto risk her identity and—more importantly—she’s not sure how much longer shecan remain upright. She hits the change room or office or something, aiming fora first aid kit or at least a wad of toilet paper, and Chat Noir is shocked theLadybug is gone. He manages to defeat Blademaster and retrieve her gem, but itis inactive, and while he manages to catch the dark butterfly in a fencingmask, he doesn’t have the means to banish its evil OR to erase the ill that hashappened here; that’s Ladybug’s turf. But how is he supposed to return hergem—return her—when he doesn’t knowwho she is, and his own transformation is wearing off? (Marinette will bepulling a new hairstyle or modelling a hat or just plain skipping school—ifthere IS school; what day was fencing class again?—and getting Alya to coverfor her with her parents on the pretence that she’s trying to work up thecourage to do something with Adrien, perhaps, and she really doesn’t want tohave that conversation with her mom,when in reality she’s just trying to find Tikki. Not sure what happened withTikki, exactly. Needs to regain energy, which Plagg (?) would know and informChat Noir accordingly, but with them trying to keep secrets from each other….)

and that will give way to notes like this:

Tikki, PlaggMiracle Stones/MiraculousHawkmoth

Ladybug – lucky charm at end, always ends up with somethingshe doesn’t know what to do with at first and then figures it out; yo-yocompact; BOTH EARRINGS for the miracle stones…but maybe ripping one out woulddeactivate the other. She is the ONLY ONE who can cleanse the akumas. Chat Noir – (allergic to feathers), ancient destruction/cataclysm; batonYeah, if that ring comes off, the Kwami is forced out and the detransformationis right awayPlagg is SUCH a glutton, he’ll even chase after stuff he thinks is food

----

Okay. Adrien picks up Tikki and Miracle Stone, so Marinettefinds nothing and tries to track down Chat Noir, but Tikki, once recovered, canjust tell Adrien who Marinette is. Problem solved. That’s not fun. Unless Tikkidecides to respect Marinette’s wishes?

Or maybe they each find one earring, and Tikki isn’t wellbecause they’re divided?

Adrien and Marinette can both find nothing—Marinette because she hasn’t achance to look, Adrien because he doesn’t know TO look—but unless Tikki’strapped there, she gotta be able to get out.

Wait, Adrien’s chivalrous. He’ll respect Ladybug’s wishes.Even if he hates it

----

If Plagg can’t see, when they transform, Adrien won’t beable to see, either.

“What do you mean, I can’t transform?”“If we transform, this thing would get sucked in, too, and you won’t be able to do anything.” [lines from the Rogercop episode]

Statue set on green stone (granite?) with the top edgejutting out about chin height for Adrien

-------------------------Nope, gonna have to go back and change Blademaster’s restoration to Phillipebecause that DOES seem to be after Ladybug’s restoration. [turns out I was right the first time with this, but I’d checked with someone else and they’d thought no one changed back until after the Miraculous Ladybug bit, so I’d changed my initial plans here, and a few months later we got an episode that confirmed that, no, the magic link just needs to be broken, things don’t need to be fixed yet.]

#ladylynse #asks #my writing #writing advice #kinda #the don't delete your scrapped ideas is writing advice #my writing advice #for what it's worth #Anonymous

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brideofkylosolo · 6 years

Text

Updated Fanfic

I (finally) made the edits to my Adam Sackler fanfic so without further ado, here’s da smut:

Daddy’s Lil’ Monster

Girls fic (Adam X OC)

Adam is madly in love with his new girlfriend Piper and is certain she may be the one. Things take a sudden turn when he runs into her old boyfriend and their relationship is put to the test when something from her past is revealed.

Warnings: talk of violence/rape, angst, fluffy cuteness, swearing (so much swearing), NSFW

“Fuck I need to get laid so bad!” Adam whined. “I swear my nuts are gonna fucking fall off.”

Brad rolled his eyes at his friends over dramatic moans about his sex life. He swore, ever since he broke up with Hannah (or was it Jessa?), Adam had become more annoying; not that he wasn’t to begin with.

“What about Jessa? Your ex?” he asked as he took a bite of a fry. “Bet she’d be up for a fuck.”

“No,” Adam said. “Jessa and I are pretty much done.”

“Hannah?”

“Hell fucking no! Not Hannah, not Jessa, not ANY of my fucking exes.”

“Well that leaves out the better part of Brooklyn,” Brad mused.

Adam shot him a look.

“Well, face it, dude,” Brad said. “You do have a reputation of sleeping around and leaving the next day. You’re a certified man whore.”

Adam glared at him and was about to tell his buddy off when suddenly Brad’s attention went to a girl with black hair with red tips wearing a cute red dress with heels walking up to the counter.

“Piper?” Brad called out. The girl turned. “Hey, Piper! Long time no see!”

“Brad?” the girl (Piper) said. “Shit, I thought that was you. How you’ve been?”

“Good. Been keeping busy with work and shit, the usual.”

Adam pursed his lips together awkwardly as he eyed the girl.

“Oh, this is Adam Sackler. I know him from a play I did a few years ago. Adam, this is Piper Dawson. We went to college together.”

The two shook hands. Piper raised her eyebrows. “Weren’t you in that play not too long ago at that little theater off Howard Street? Equus wasn’t it?”

“Uh, yeah I was,” Adam replied. “You actually saw it?”

Piper nodded. “You were really good.”

Adam blushed slightly and smiled. “Thanks.”

Piper returned the smile. “It was nice running into you Brad but I got to get back to the office. Um, it was nice meeting you, Adam.” She touched Adam left arm and hurried off. He smiled.

Brad raised his eyebrows. He knew that look on Adam’s face all too well.

*************

Adam needed something to take his mind of all the shit that was happening. His audition didn’t go well at all, he nearly got hit by a taxi, he dropped his coffee, and to top it all off, he had forgotten his jacket. Plus it was starting to rain and of fucking course he forgot his umbrella.

He grumbled curses under his breath as he walked into the used bookstore, getting a few odd looks from customers. He quickly darted towards the back and began looking at the shelves. He really didn’t have any certain book in mind just wanted something to read, to get his mind off this shitty day.

He crouched down to grab a book on the bottom shelf and a familiar woman with black hair with red tips walked by him looking at the other shelf. Adam paused, looking at her.

“Piper?” he asked her.

The women looked at him slightly confused. Her eyes then widened as she recognized him. “Adam, right? Hey, how are you?”

Adam stood up. “Doing good. Just, ya know, getting some reading material.”

Piper smiled. “You look a little wet.”

Adam grinned, blushing a little. “Yeah I kinda got caught in the damn rain. Forgot my fucking umbrella. So, you’re getting some books too?”

“Yeah, just a few,” Piper replied.

Adam cranked his neck to look at the titles in her arms.

“The Handmaid’s Tale, The Uninvited, the Complete Works of H.P. Lovecraft, and How to Be a Woman?” Adam mused out loud.

Piper chuckled and adjusted the pile in her arms. “Not exactly intellectual reading, I know. But hey, it gets me through those lonely nights in my apartment by myself. Well, that and horror movies.” She looked at the book in Adam’s hand. “Warm Bodies?”

“Yeah,” Adam said with an embarrassing chuckle. “I figured the movie wasn’t half bad I might as well give the book a go. Plus, hell, zombies, ya know.”

Piper returned the laugh. “I hear you. Nothing like a good zombie book.”

Adam thought Piper was definitely pretty. Fuck no, she was drop dead fucking gorgeous. Her face was stunning, with pale skin, a cute nose, and sexy lips painted bright red. Her eyes were a bright blue, and framed by black cat’s eye glasses (was she wearing those the first time he saw her?). Her jet black hair had deep red tips and was slightly curled; it was pulled away from her face with a hair clip. She was dressed in simple jeans and a black and white striped shirt that hugged her curves; she wore black Converses and had a black bomber style hoodie. She definitely had a style all her own and she fucking rocked it. She didn’t look like most girls in New York. Fuck, thought Adam. She looks amazing.

“Hey, if you’re not doing anything later, do you wanna, hell I don’t know, get some pizza or some shit?” Adam asked as he ran his fingers through his shoulder-length hair. “I know this place not too far here that’s pretty good.”

“Sure,” Piper said with a smile. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Adam smiled. “Great”

Before long they were sitting in a booth in a tiny hole in the wall joint sharing a large sausage and mushroom pizza with extra cheese. They quickly found out they shared much more in common than the same pizza toppings. They both loved zombie movies (Night of the Living Dead easily topping both of their lists), had the same weird slightly deranged sense of humor, both loved haunted and abandoned places (Piper couldn’t believe Adam had never heard of the abandoned subway system right in NYC), and they both loved obscure random things (Adam raved about his favorite store near his apartment that he swore sold witchcraft stuff that none of his friends would go into with him). They also didn’t drink, liked to go jogging, and loved Nathan’s hot dogs (with chili and cheese of course). Adam told her all about his dream to make it big in New York as an actor (a serious one, not some smuck who did lowbrow stuff). Piper told him about her love of comics (her favorite writer was Grant Morrison and she LOVED Harley Quinn) and how she was working as a secretary at a travel agency, but only until she got a job at DC comics; she even showed Adam some of her sketches and Adam reassured her she’d be famous in no time (“Fuck, that’s way better than the shit I draw!”).

Before they knew it, the owner was starting to give them looks (had they really been there for over three and a half hours?) and they left. Neither of them wanted to really go home so they just wandered around Brooklyn, still talking.

“I still can’t believe you saw that play I did on Howard Street,” Adam commented as they walked. “Shit, I didn’t think anybody went to that. Plus I was fucking horrible in that.”

“No, you were amazing, really,” Piper said. “You really brought that guys character to life. That nightmare scene was fucking amazing.”

Adam blushed with a smile. He was used to girls (and a few guys) gushing over him, telling him how sexy, and talented he was but he knew those were just hallow compliments made in hopes he’d be eager to fuck them. Piper’s compliments were real though. He could tell she was genuine, that she wasn’t just saying things to fuck him. Not that he’d be against the idea.

Piper giggled.

Adam gave her a funny look. “What?”

“Nothing,” she said. “Just think it’s kind of cute how every time I give you a compliment, you turn about twenty shades of red. Do people never give you compliments?”

“No,” Adam replied. “Fuck if anything, I get too many of them. Yours are, well different.”

Piper raised her eyebrows.

“Fuck I didn’t mean it like that!” he exclaimed. Shit, not even done with the first date and he was already fucking things up.

Piper just smiled. “Adam, relax. I get it.”

It was Adam’s turn to raise his eyebrows.

Piper playfully hit his arm. “Oh shut up, you fucking dweeb!”

The two of them sat on a bench.

“What I mean is, well, my last I guess what you call serious relationship was mostly just, well empty. The asshole pretty much just wanted to bone me so he said what he’d thought would make me want to fuck him.” She groaned and shook her head, her curls bouncy on Adam’s shoulder. “Fuck, can’t believe I just told you that.”

“What do you mean?”

“First Date 101: never tell the guy about your ex or how he wanted to fuck you. Its right up there with don’t tell a guy you want to have babies really soon and that you’re in a cult.”

“Wait, you’re in a cult?”

“Fucking hell!” She rolled her eyes at him. “Yes, yes I’m in a cult. We worship cheese and have orgies while smearing butter on each other.”

“Cheese is pretty good,” Adam remarked pretending to be deep in thought. “Especially feta.”

Piper pinched his side, making him laugh. “You fucking meatball.”

“Meatball?” Adam repeated. “Eh, not the worst I’ve been called.”

Piper groaned. She took his left hand in her right one, her fingers laced through his large ones. She gave it a squeeze and rested her head on his left shoulder. “Oh, Adam Sackler, whatever is a girl like me to do with you?”

They sat in silence, soon figuring they both needed to get home before more rain came.

“Here’s my place,” Piper said as they stopped in front of nondescript apartment building. “I really had a great time today. Thanks for the pizza and stuff.”

“No problem,” Adam said. God, he so wanted to kiss her but at the same time didn’t want to fuck things up by jumping into things too fast. What was his deal? He never missed a chance to make out with a hot chick (no, Piper was not just some random chick, she was special) and eventually they’d end up in her or his bed fucking like rabbits well into the night. Then they’d part ways the next morning over coffee and breakfast with promises to see each other again but they never would since that apparently wasn’t his style. He was notorious for his one night stands. But Adam didn’t want that to happen; he wanted to see Piper again. He wanted to take her to the movies, to all the places Jessa, Hannah and the others didn’t want to go to. He wanted to just walk around or explore some abandoned place with her, just actually just spend time with her. He actually wanted a real fucking relationship with her, not his usual “fuck buddies” type. He never wanted that with any girl he dated. The fuck was going on with him?

The stood there for a few awkward minutes. “So, um, there’s this exhibit at a gallery near my work. Some photographer is showing a few of his pieces. Landscape and buildings type stuff. Do you, um, I don’t know, wanna go tomorrow?”

Adam smiled. “Yeah, I love to. I mean, I don’t have anything going on so, so yeah, I’d love to go with you.”

“Great, I’ll give you my number and you can give me a call or text me or something.”

She put her number in his cell phone and he put his into hers. Piper adjusted her tote bag.

“Thanks again for dinner.” She stood on her toes and gave him a quick kiss on his left cheek. “G’night.” She hurried up the stairs and into the building.

“Night,” Adam called after her. He grinned as she disappeared behind the building doors, giving him a quick wave as she walked in. “FUCK YEAH!” he exclaimed as he pumped his fist into the air and headed home.

*************

“Shit, you look happy as fuck,” Ray commented as him, Adam, and Brad walked towards their favorite record shop. “You finally get your ass laid?”

“Shut up,” Adam retorted as they walked inside the shop.

Brad raised his eyebrow. “You and Piper haven’t fucked yet? Damn, I thought you’d be all over her after you ran into her at that bookstore. That you two be fucking like animals.”

“Piper?” Ray asked. “You got a new fuck buddy, huh Sackler?”

“Piper is not a fuck buddy,” Adam replied as he started to thumb through a crate of records. “And not that it’s any of your business, but no, we have not fucked like animals, as you so eloquently put it.”

“Damn, this has to be a new record,” Ray mused. “Sackler meets a hot chick and three weeks later she still hasn’t rode his cock. You starting to lose your touch?”

“I’m about to punch you if that’s what you mean,” Adam said as he glared at his friend.

They weren’t wrong though. Adam and Piper had been dating for over three weeks now and still haven’t slept together. Sure they spent time at each other’s places and even made out on a few occasions but it never went beyond that. And Adam was just fine with that. He was actually just fine with it.

“Yo, Brad!” a voice boomed.

“Oh, hey Chad,” Brad said. “How’s it going?”

“Not bad.”

“Oh this is Adam and Ray. Guys, this is Chad Paul. We roomed together for a bit.”

Chad greeted them with handshakes. Ray looked like he recognized him but didn’t say a word.

“Say, have you heard from Piper?”

Adam’s ears perked up.

“Piper? No man I haven’t.” Brad said. “Why you ask?”

“I just tried texting her a few days ago and she never got back to me. Just wanted to talk to her, see how she is, that’s all.”

“I’m sure Adam can pass a message to her.”

Chad looked confused. “You know Piper? Piper Dawson?”

“Uh, yeah,” Adam said. “I mean, we’ve gone out a few times. Suppose to have dinner with her later.”

“Oh, so you’re seeing her?” Chad said, his demeanor changing. “Well, good luck with that.”

“The fuck does that mean?” Adam asked giving the other man a confused look.

“Well, she’s you know, a sort of crazy type of girl,” Chad replied.

Adam’s gaze darkened. “I’m not too clear what you mean by crazy.”

“Oh, you know, she tends to exaggerate about what really happened while we went out. You know how girls are sometimes.”

Ray and Brad exchanged looks. They knew Adam had a temper like no other and didn’t need, nor wanted to, break up a fight in the middle of a store.

“Anyway, I better get going.” Chad turned to Brad. “We’ll have to hit up a Weston’s for a drink sometime.”

“Yeah,” Brad said with an uneasy smile and Chad walked away.

“Well that guy was an ass,” Ray commented.

“What the fuck was he talking about?” Adam asked.

“About Piper?” Brad asked. “They had a nasty break up. Something happened. Whatever, just don’t worry about it.”

Adam couldn’t help but worry.

*************

Adam took several deep breaths as he slowly climbed the stairs to Piper’s apartment. The conversation with Chad was still fresh on his mind and he was trying to work through what he was told. He soon reached her door and knocked. Piper soon answered it still wearing her pajamas even though it was well into the afternoon, a fitted blue shirt and matching bottoms. Her hair was in a messy bun on top of her head.

“Adam! Hey, I thought you were hanging out with your friends today.”

Adam shrugged his shoulders. “We got done a little early.”

Piper furrowed her eyebrows at his demeanor. “Well, come in. Sorry, the place is a mess. I haven’t gotten around to picking things up.”

Adam walked into Piper’s tiny junior apartment, hung his jacket up on the hanging coat rack, and plopped down on her couch, his gazed fixed ahead at the TV; some black and white movie was on the screen. It wasn’t much bigger than 600 or so square feet but it was roomy enough for her. Piper’s “weird” style was evident in the various posters of Betty Page and Harley Quinn on the walls amid IKEA furniture made her place seem, well, homey.

“How has your day been?” Piper asked as she went into the fridge to get Adam a bottle of water.

“Fine,” Adam said in a flat tone. “We ran into your ex at the record store.”

Piper tensed at hearing that news. “You did?”

“Chad, think his name was.”

Piper set the water bottle down on the counter and rested her hands on the edge. “What did he say? No wait, let me guess. Was it that I’m a lying bitch, a slut who can’t get enough dick, or a psycho that needs to be locked up?”

Adam looked at her in confusion. He wasn’t quite sure what to make of Piper’s bold reply.

“Or was it all three?” added Piper, her fists balling up in a rage Adam had never seen from her. “That seems to be what he told our friends, or rather his friends when I left him.”

Adam was getting more confused. “You dumped him?”

Now it was Piper’s turn to be confused. “Yes! What did you think happened?”

“I don’t fucking know! That you cheated on him! That you were married to him! That you’re still married to him! That you guys broke up and still fuck each other behind my back! You really haven’t given me a whole fucking lot to go on!”

“That I fuck him behind your back?!?!?! Jesus fucking Christ! Adam, he raped and tried to fucking kill me!”

Adam was floored. “He fucking what?”

Piper took a deep breath and went into her bedroom. She returned with a folder and tossed it on the coffee table in front of Adam, sitting down in the blue chair next to the couch.

“Go on and fucking read it,” she said as she started to cry, not looking at Adam. Her arms crossed in front of her. He could tell she was really pissed at him. He knew something wasn’t right.

Adam opened the folder and picked up the piece of paper on top. It was a police report. He started to read it and felt sick to his stomach. The report detailed how Chad repeatedly raped Piper. How when she fought him, he punched her, breaking her nose and nearly breaking her cheekbone. Adam could barely get through all five pages.

“There’s some lovely pictures in there of me as well,” Piper added in a dead tone.

Adam saw them. He felt vomit creep up his throat at the one of Piper’s face. At least he thought it was her; he honestly couldn’t tell considering how bruised and bloody it was.

Adam was speechless.

“He was pissed after I “embarrassed” him at a party,” Piper stated, her tears falling silently down her face. “He couldn’t believe I would dare yell at him for dangling me over a six-story fire escape in front of his friends. It’s not like he didn’t know I hate heights.”

“He went to jail though, right?”

“For two months. The fucking judge said Chad didn’t deserve to have his life fucked up over one stupid argument that just got out of hand. Said I should have just left him the first time he hit me.” She wiped a tear away. “Fuck. I just knew this was fucking going to happen. I knew that this was all going to go to fucking hell.”

“What are you talking about?”

“This. Us,” Piper said as the tears start to fall faster. “Every single time I start dating and the guy finds out about Chad or what happened, it’s fucking over. They just ghost me like I’ve got the fucking plague. I’m just the fucking crazy ex who lied about what he did to me cause a guy like Chad would never do something like that. Forget that I had bruises and shit. Fuck, even most of my friends didn’t believe me when they found out. I fucking lost everyone.”

“Babe,” Adam breathed and went to hug her. Piper stood up to run and he grabbed onto her elbow. She recoiled at his touch, pulling away from his hand.

“No,” Held up her hands. “Just please no. Just don’t fucking touch me!” She bolted into her room before Adam could grab her again.

“Piper wait!” he yelled after her as he heard her closet door slam.

Adam let out a string of curses and followed her. He jiggled the closet door but it wouldn’t budge.

“Piper?” he called to her as he gently knocked on the door. “Come on kid, let me in.”

“Go away, Adam!” came her muffled reply.

“Come on, please?” Adam persisted.

“Go. The. FUCK. AWAY!”

Adam grimaced at her words. He knew she was hurting and it was starting to fucking hurt him as well. God, he just wanted to hug her, to make her pain go away.

He leaned closer to the door. “They’re coming to get you, Barbara,” he said in his best creepy voice.

“Go fuck yourself, Adam Sackler!”

Adam rested his forehead against the door with a chuckle. “Ok, I deserved that.”

Adam turned around and sat at the base of the door, he broad shoulders resting against the door.

“You know I can sit here all night if I have to,” he casually called out.

Piper didn’t reply. All Adam could hear was her sobs. God fucking damnit, he just wanted to hug her, to tell her he wasn’t going anywhere. He knew if he wanted to, he could bust the door down and drag her out but given her state of mind at the moment, he decided against that; it would certainly make things a hell of a lot worse.

Adam sighed and leaned his head back against the door. “What happened wasn’t your fault, babe. Chad’s a fucking asshole who deserves to have his dick chopped off and fed to rats for what he did to you. And those bastards that left you once they found out? Fuck them too. Fuck everyone who didn’t believe you or hurt you. They deserve to rot in hell.”

Adam closed his own eyes, his own eyes welling up with tears. “Look, I know I can’t erase what happened to you. Fuck, I wish I could though. But I fucking promise you one thing: I’m not going anywhere so looks like you’re stuck with me for a while, kid.” He managed a weak smile. “I love you. Fucking hell, I love you! And I honestly don’t say that too often. You’re the best thing to happen to me since, fuck if I know when. And I fucking swear I’m going do whatever I can for you. I’m here for the fucking long run, I promise you.”

The door behind him suddenly opened and Adam fell backwards landing on his back. Piper was looking down at him with tear-stained eyes.

“You know the view from here isn’t too bad,” Adam remarked as he looked up at her with a smile.

Piper returned his smile. “You are such an idiot, Adam Sackler,” she retorted as she sat back down.

“But you gotta admit I’m a cute one.”

She lifted Adam’s head and placed it in her lap, running her fingers through his shoulder-length hair. “Fine, I’ll give you that.”

The two of them sat in silence for a while, Piper running her fingers through Adam’s dark hair with her left hand while he held her right.

“You know that tattoo I was talking about getting last week?” Piper hesitantly said.

“Yeah?”

“I got it.”

Adam flashed a smirk. “You didn’t.”

Piper nodded and leaned back, lowering the waist of her pajama pants to reveal three diamonds, one in black two in red on her hip, just above her panty line covered in a clear film.

Adam turned his head to look at it and his eyes got wide. “Isn’t that what Harley Quin has on her leg?”

Piper nodded. “Do you like it?”

Adam nodded. “Fuck yeah.”

“It’s still healing so I gotta keep the clear bandage on it for a little longer,” she explained.

Adam had never wanted to get a tattoo; he was worried it would hurt his chances of getting certain roles. Not that he had anything against them though. He had dated (and slept with) lots of girls with tattoos. He even found them kind of sexy, to be honest.

He gently ran his left finger over the image. Piper winced a little.

“Does that hurt?” he asked.

“A little bit.”

“How about this?” Adam asked then leaned in and kissed it.

Piper started to hiss but soon moaned at the feeling of Adam’s lips on her skin. “Fuck.”

Adam deepened his kiss, Piper starting to squirm a little in pleasure.

Adam pulled away. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“You didn’t,” Piper replied.

Adam gave her a funny look. Piper playfully smacked Adam’s arm. “Shut up, you weirdo.”

“Hey, I didn’t say anything,” he said with a chuckle.

Adam reached up and moved a stray piece away from her face. Piper took his hand in hers and kissed his palm. She then leaned down and kissed him on the lips. He melted into it, subconsciously pushing himself up. Piper cradled his head in her hands, her fingers entangled in his hair. Adam tentatively reached up and cradled her face with his hands, his thumbs caressing her cheek; he started to moan as did she.

Piper straddled him and deepened the kiss. She slowly raised herself to meet his kiss, balancing on her knees. Adam felt himself getting turned on; very turned on. He slowly moved his left hand to her lower back and up her shirt, gently massaging her. Piper moaned louder.

Adam pulled away, his breath in short gasps. “Piper, kid, are you okay to do this?”

Piper nodded. “Yes,” she whispered. “I am.”

Adam picked her up and gently carried her to the bed, laying her down on her back. He gently kissed her on the lips. As much as he wanted to tear off her clothes and just fuck her with raw abandon, he didn’t want to hurt her, especially after what her last ex did to her. No, he was going to make sure he didn’t fuck this up; he was going to make absolutely sure he did it right.

Piper reached up and placed her hands on his chest, her touch sending shivers down his spine. He felt her hands slowly travel to the hem of his t-shirt, pulling it over his head. Adam’s right hand traveled to the top of Piper’s pajamas and slowly pulled them down exposing her pink boyshorts; she arched her back and moaned. Her hands went to the waist of his jeans and fumbled with his belt. He felt himself start to get hard, really hard.

Piper slide Adam’s jeans off his hips and ran her fingers up his muscular abs. “Fuck,” he breathed, pulling away from the kiss.

Piper continued to kiss Adam’s jawline, her hands running through his dark hair. She pressed her pelvis into his. God, she wanted him so bad. She reached up and gently touched him through his underwear with her right hand, her fingertips slowly tracing his length. Adam shuddered and felt himself get harder.

With shaky hands, Adam slowly touched Piper’s hips, his fingers grazing along the hem of her underwear. He wanted to rip the fabric away but the worry of making her uncomfortable or hurting her prevented him from going his normal fast pace.

Piper slowly reached into his black underwear and ran her fingers along his sex. Adam hitched his breath as the touch sent jolts up his spine; he gripped the sheets. It felt fucking wonderful.

Piper giggled at his reaction. She could tell he was eager to fuck her and she was eager to fuck as well. God, she wanted him so badly. She gently took his right hand and guided it between her thighs. His large fingers gingerly touched her and she let out a tiny moan.

Adam slowly slipped his fingers past the hem of her boyshorts and the tip of his middle finger touched her nub. She let out a gasp and arched her back.

“Oh, God yes,” she whimpered as she closed her eyes and gripped the sheets next to her in bliss.

Adam gingerly touched the spot again; Piper let out another whimper and arched her back. “Oh fuck!”

Adam licked his lips and softly pushed his finger against her bud again sending another wave of ecstasy up her body. “Oh fuck me!” she moaned.

Adam took a deep breath and softly kissed Piper on the lips, slowly removing her pink underwear. He carefully positioned himself at her entrance. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes,” Piper breathless said.

“Positive? Cause I can stop if you want.”

“For fuck’s sake! I swear Adam if you don’t hurry up and stick your goddamned dick in me, I’m going to handcuff you to this fucking bed and have my way with you!”

Adam looked at her in slight confusion. “You really have a pair of handcuffs?”

“No,” Piper huffed as she crossed her arms.

Adam looked at her like he didn’t believe her.

“Maybe.” Piper covered her face with her hands. “Ok fine, yes I have a pair!”

“If you really want to,” Adam said, “I’d be ok with letting you handcuff me and, you know, do whatever you want.”

Piper uncovered her eyes and looked at him in disbelief. “Are you serious?”

Adam nodded. He held both his hands up and pouted, flashing his best puppy dog eyes.

Piper giggled. She reached into the bottom drawer of her bedside table and pulled out a pair of plastic, fuzzy pink handcuffs. Adam lay down were Piper was and she straddled his stomach. She attached one cuff to his left wrist, raised it above his head, looping the cuff through the metal headboard and attached the other cuff to his right wrist.

She moved down, positioning herself so that Adam’s erection was at her entrance and slowly lowered herself on to his throbbing erection, moaning in pleasure as she settled. She rested her hands on his stomach and ever so slowly raised and lowered her hips gradually increasing her pace.

Adam nibbled on his lower lip at the sight of Piper riding his length, her head thrown back in bliss. He swore it was the most fucking beautiful sight he’d ever seen. He was definitely more the type of guy to take the reins, so to speak, whenever he had sex but holy fucking shit, this was amazing. He could get used to having Piper ride him cowgirl style real easy.

Piper ran her fingers upwards and rested her hands on Adam’s pecs as she nibbled her bottom lip, her hips moving at a more fevered pace.

Adam balled his fists around the plastic cuffs in pure bliss at the way Piper’s pussy felt around his cock; he soon felt the cheap plastic chain give way releasing his hands. He placed his hands with the handcuffs still around his wrists on Piper’s hips as she grinded her hips. “Fuck,” Adam groaned feeling himself come close to orgasm.

She leaned forward and gripped the headboard to get a better leverage, never once breaking her movements. “Oh god! I’m gonna, I’m gonna… FUCK!!!!”

Piper let out a throaty moan as she came, her canal tightening around Adam’s erection. He soon followed, letting out his own blissful moan as he came and came hard.

Piper collapsed on Adam’s chest, trying to catch her breath. She rolled over onto her back. “Holy fuck, that was amazing!”

Adam just nodded his agreement his mind still reeling from what very well was the best fuck he’d had in a long time.

Piper gently poked Adam’s face. “You still alive?”

Adam giggled. “Yeah, just, holy fucking shitballs, that was fucking incredible.”

“Yeah, it was,” Piper agreed with a content sigh. It had been a while since she had a really good fuck. Her luck on the dating front was pretty much shit since most guys didn’t stay long after they found out about her past. The fact that Adam didn’t bolt once she told him had to mean something, right?

Adam held up his right hand with the broken handcuff still attached to it and let out a snort.

Piper laughed and dangled Adam’s hand by the broken plastic chain. “Least we got one use out of them,” she said as she unhooked them, tossing them to the floor.

She snuggled against Adam’s broad chest, breathing in his sweat musky scent. Adam rested his cheek against the top of her head, gently stroking her hair. The two of them lay together on the bed, enjoying each other.

“You hungry?” she asked suddenly. “I could really go for some Chinese food.”

“That does sound good,” Adam remarked with a smile. How did he ever get so lucky to find such an amazing woman?

#adam sackler #girls #fanfic #smut #fluff #adorable

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mattkeepsrambling · 3 years

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2020 Year In Review

What a supremely dull year. I cannot believe how little happened this year. I got into this whole mask-wearing craze that many people seem to have gotten into (except for those who are REALLY against it.) I'm so happy that all the schools decided that teaching in the building was pointless and could just as easily be done online. Things are so much easier now. The election went off without a hitch or any controversy whatsoever, and I am glad that the outgoing President was gracious and we got another peaceful transition of power. I saw so many movies this year. I stopped going to the theater, though. It was just too dark, the screen was too big and the seats too comfortable. I love being at home and being surrounded by all those distractions. I don't know how 2021 could top 2020.

Best of 2020.

In all seriousness, this year was the worst. Once the world shut down in March, I decided to make the most of it and started cataloging my media consumption (minus video games). It is something I am going to keep doing. I stopped collecting movie tickets a few years ago, and this seems like the next step. I have really enjoyed seeing all that I have consumed. The final tally is 308 movies, 58 television shows/specials, 29 audiobooks, and 43 books/graphic novels since March 18, 2020. As December went on, I had to make sure that I was finished with books, tv shows, and audiobooks before Jan. 1-you will see why when I share my spreadsheet for 2021. Here are the best that I read/watched/listened to this year with all that media. And not all of these things are new for 2020 (most are, though).

Best Movie: Host

A lot of the movies I watched this year were horror movies. You can say that I have been trying to make up for lost time. I subscribed to Shudder recently. It is a streaming service that specializes in horror and thriller movies. I subscribed to the service initially for "Host."

This movie was made during the pandemic, over a Zoom meeting. It is about five friends who do a seance and the spirit they contact. The fact that it is Zoom figures heavily into the movie; it is 57 minutes long, about the length of the free Zoom meeting.

This movie is terrific and damn scary. I have watched very few movies that have genuinely scared me. I have realized what it is that makes a good horror movie: tension. It is all over this movie. This movie uses the general concept of the Zoom meeting so well to build up tension. It doesn't have the benefit of a huge budget and the best cameras. The scenes take place on a computer screen in average rooms. That elevates sudden sounds, slight movements and makes use of darkness.

Honorable Mentions: "Soul," "Promising Young Women," "It Follows," "Hereditary," "Midsommor," "Never, Rarely, Sometimes, Always."

Best TV Show: Ted Lasso

Whenever I talk to other people about AppleTV+, I always mention two things. One is that at $5 a month, you don't even notice the cost. The other is that "Ted Lasso" is worth the price of a subscription.

As I have previously mentioned, the show is about an American football coach being hired to coach English football. This show is based on a one-joke series commercial for NBC Sports. Ted Lasso knows nothing about coaching football.

The commercials boil down to "look how this guy doesn't know anything about England." This should not work as a show. Years ago, ABC aired a TV show based on the Geico commercials' cavemen, and it was terrible. I should know; I watched the pilot and reviewed it for the Buffalo State Record.

"Ted Lasso" works because it is more than the commercials. Yes, they do have a lot of "fish out of water" humor, and you laugh at Ted as he navigates a new sport in a new country, but it is more than that. "Scrubs" creator Bill Lawernce is one of the people behind this show, and it shows. This show can be hilarious and then take a somber turn in no time. "Scrubs" is well known for that.

The other thing that "Ted Lasso" has going for it is boundless optimism. It is baked into the character of Ted Lasso. When the show starts, the fans hate him, the players hate him, and management tries to sabotage him at every turn. Yet, he remains committed to his job and making this team successful. He and his wife go through one of the most amicable divorces ever put on screen. It can be a little much at times, but then that divorce happens. We see Lasso, played amazingly by Jason Sudikus, lose that relentlessly positive exterior.

Those cracks show, and he becomes a much more fleshed out and complicated character. The show has been renewed for two more seasons already, and Lawernce recently said that the creative team had planned three seasons. I love this show, but I think that only three seasons will be a good thing. It means that we will get fully fleshed out arcs, and there is only a certain amount of story that the creators have to tell.

Honorable Mentions: "Fleabag Season 2," "The Clone Wars Season 7," "Harley Quinn Season 2," A Teacher," "Doom Patrol Season 2," "The Flight Attendant Season 1," "The Mandalorian Season 2."

Best Audiobook: Sapiens

This book, published in 2011, has been on my to-read list for a while. Years ago, a friend of mine told me I would like it. In its most basic synopsis, "Sapiens" is a look at how humans evolved. It looks at how we developed societies, religions, governments, and other things that made us the dominant species on the planet.

This book is fascinating. It looks at various social constructs that humanity developed and how that shapes who we have become. Most of the time, I can multitask while listening to audiobooks. I will do the dishes, replay video games, write, lesson plan, clean, or do laundry when an audiobook is playing. This is one I had to give my full attention. There were so many tidbits of information that are just riveting. I was always blown away by what I heard. Despite the topic's denseness (it is 15 hours and 17 minutes long), the audiobook was easy to listen to. It is one that I will be revisiting in the future.

Honorable Mentions: "Ahsoka," "The Graveyard Book," "Crazy is my Superpower."

Best Book: Harleen

I have been a fan of "Batman The Animated Series" forever. One of the most famous things to come out of the series that debuted in 1992 was Harley Quinn character. She started as a sidekick of The Joker. Fans loved her so much that she was given a more prominent role and one of the best backstories of anyone in Batman's rogue's gallery.

Last year DC, under their Black Label brand, released "Harleen," which presented how she went from Dr. Harleen Quinzell, the brilliant psychologist, to Harley Quinn, psychotic on-again/off-again paramour of The Joker. DC Black Label is used for a more mature mini-series, and this is a story that benefits from the freedom allowed.

The basic plot is that Dr. Quinzell gets a job at Arkham Asylum to study the criminals there for her research into their minds and develop a possible cure. Through her interviews with The Joker, she starts to develop feelings for him. The telling focuses on her background and ends with her fully committing to Joker and a life of crime.

The art by Stjepan Sejic (who also wrote it) is gorgeous. On my second read-through, I took more time to appreciate the art. I bought the issues as they came out on Comixology and read them on my iPad and loved the story and how Sejic chose to tell it. I read them on the way to and from work. With only about 10 minutes on the train, the story was my focus. When I bought the hardcover collected edition, I took my time. It is a beautiful book, and I am glad to have it in my collection.

Honorable Mentions: "One Day," "The Amber Spyglass," "High Hopes," "The Deepest Well," I Wish My Teacher Knew," "Horrorstor."

**Authors Note: I wrote most of the above before I watched "Soul" on Christmas. I have a lot to say about it, and it might have taken the top spot from "Host" (I don't think I could have picked two more different movies to take that top spot). I will have a full review out after at least one more viewing.**

These are the links for my 202 Watch List and my 2021 Spreadsheet.

Media Consumed 2020

Media Consumed 2021

If you have been following my ramblings for the last few years, you know that I don't make New Year's resolutions. I heard the idea of picking a word and working toward that word all year.

This year that word is positivity.

It is really easy to dwell on negative thoughts. In the society we live in now, there is an emphasis put on negativity. It is everywhere, and I hate it. Stop reading right now and think about the best and worst thing that has happened to you. If you are like me, the worst thing comes to mind first. Even though my job is the best thing to happen to me, and it happened in the last two years, my firing from the JCC in September of 2015 hits harder and comes faster. It took me years to get over that and years more to let go of the anger I felt.

There are many reasons why negative thoughts come easier, and I have linked to a few articles I like on the topic below. This year particularly, I have been more prone to rumination on past pain and failures. 2021 is the year I actively try to change that. When I feel a negative thought coming on, I will stop and change my line of thinking.

One concrete example I can give involves my former place of employment. I live very close to the JCC. I walk by it all the time, and I can effortlessly start down the negativity rabbit hole. I am not doing that anymore. I will redirect to the good things that happened there. I am doing that with other places I have negative associations with as well. I want to focus on the positive, think positive thoughts, take positive actions, do things for myself and others that help perpetuate the positive.

I want to weed out negativity in my life whenever I can. Even something as simple as doing the dishes every night before bed (which I started six months ago) is a step in the positive direction. I know this is going to be tough. I despise teaching virtually, and it is what I will be doing for the rest of this school year. But, as much as I hate it, I need to focus on the good moments and less on the bad ones. I will have to stop calling everyone I see outside without a mask a "maskhole" in my head and assuming they are a right-wing MAGA hat-wearing idiot (as I said, it's going to be hard). There is too much negativity in the world right now, and I don't want to contribute to that.

Why Do Negative Thoughts Come to Mind

Is Dwelling on Negative Thoughts Hurting You?

Why Do We Dwell on The Past?

Why Do We Keep Dwelling on Our Mistakes?

The past few years, I have tried to have my word of the year relate to my writing. This year it was a little harder. It was not as straight forward as it has in the past. The choice of positivity was made because there have been so many awful things happening this year that I felt I needed to change my mindset. In regards to my writing, I am keeping it simple: Write something every single day. This heart doc I know motivated me to make this a goal.

I want to write more and find out where "Escape" will end up. I have an idea notebook I will bring with me to jot down inspiration whenever it hits. I am blocking out time every day to write, either something I will post here or just something for me.

Thanks for sticking with me 2,000 words. I hope you all had a great holiday season, and I wish you well in 2021.

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myvoicenottheoneyougiveme · 4 years

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The fuss, the fuss...

As said by many others concerning this show, “art-house”. The shift from TV14-PG-13+ to very hard R in the theatrical realization of the ending we didn’t get initially. The End of Evangelion ~ ->Armageddon: the end of all things in the same levels of bizarre and otherworldness. We move from the more action oriented Godzilla-esque battles in the very beginning on to art-house explorations of the mind and character driven drama to a time when it all comes crashing down when it’s time to find out what the characters are really made of. Asuka resolves her funk--her lifetime struggle with what’s been inside of her. Misato shows us what “tough-love” is. Rei discovers the breadth and depth of her origins--her true identity. Gendo is revealed for the murderous and manipulative bastard he is. Shinji goes on an acid trip....

Seele plays the UN/JSDF against Nerv because Gendo has his own plans for the Human Instrumentality Project (the evolution or rather devolution of humanity out of its present individuated form into one being--a return to the womb for all intents and purposes). This “salvation” of the human race is their ultimate goal even if the military forces they leveraged against Nerv believe they are trying to stop it from happening. The all out slaughter of Nerv and it’s personnel, everyone and everything that the audience has become familiar with and connected to, the slaughter that ensues... it’s a massacre.

Unit-01 is the vehicle to the realization of The Human Instrumentality project. The culmination of the world ending transformation happens within the mind of the pilot, Shinji. Heart and mind synchronization with the Eva means a strange blurring between what happens to the Eva and what happens to the pilot. After the 9 production model Evas are defeated by Asuka, they get up like zombies and eviscerate her. They descend on Shinji next. In a bizarre twist of events the Lance of Longinus is miraculously recalled from lunar orbit immobilizing Unit-01 and setting the stage for a literal crucifixion. Through the “dissolution of the pilot’s ego” something something incantation-like bullshit from visor man head of Seele and cue acid trip.

“Destrudo”, the opposite of “libido”, is another word used earlier in the series after Shinji is dissolved in a similar fashion to what’s about to happen here. Let’s just dissolve your brain and see what comes out. Let’s just stab stab stab stab stab and jab our way to the end of the world. If we break you down enough, eventually you’re going to snap.

Cue dream like sequence: the most regressive and childlike and desperate the character has ever been. The author’s would-be spouse standing, looming large over top of him,

Shinji: “Somebody! Anybody!”

Asuka: “No.”

Snap... Destrudo. A surrealist dreamlike sequence symbolizing “destrudo”. All in his head, then manifested out in the world as the culmination of an end to the suffering of humanity by returning all to nothingness. But the introspective journey is only beginning.

“Acid trip” (for much of the leading up to and thereafter), is probably the best analogy, and a quick search of the term “ego dissolution” in my search engine actually has a headline that juxtaposes psychedelics and ego dissolution. Whatever it is about acid as they’re discovering that kicks the doors down between the different parts of the brain, you can seem to either have deeply insightful revelations about yourself and life or you can have... a very bad trip--terrifying hallucinations, panic, etc. I guess it depends on the circumstances and your mental state.

I must admit that I don’t fully understand the term ego dissolution as it seems a rather large concept, but destrudo is manifested into the world as a result. He was used as a vehicle to its realization, this end of all things. ...But he had the power to choose a different outcome. He had a choice. He could choose a different destiny for himself and subsequently the world. The moral of the story is one of hope. The moral of the story is, the future is unwritten.

At the end then... after said introspective journey and the choice for a different fate, Shinji and Asuka are washed up on the shore of consciousness side by side. Cue symbolic reiteration of world ending trip so we can make a point--a summary in the most concise and powerful way possible. The future is unwritten. In an absolute reversal of roles, the future is unwritten. There’s so much packed in and around all of this, what her appearance echoes, what her gesture echoes, the apparition of Rei levitating above the water--one blink and she’s gone. The layers, so many god damned layers of meaning packed in. ...The road goes off in several different tangential directions, context all asking for exposes of their own. The message, if I can leave all of the rest packed in aside, it’s the exact opposite message to him of the one that precipitated the snap in the dream. And she’s not angry, and she’s not judgemental, critical, condescending, or belligerent per usual (or physically aggressive/abusive as the first time around). She’s not putting up a fight in the least... but she does one better than all that in an absolute reversal of roles. I feel like every phrase of words I could attach to this gesture would fail somehow to capture it.

It’s meaningful BECAUSE it’s in the face of it. It’s fucking powerful BECAUSE by all rights, by every definition, by every right measure, the action IS horrifying.

In contrast, her body language to match the gesture, isn’t of someone in fear. Her gesture isn’t of someone just trying to appease.

A single touch that could move mountains,

I know.... ....and I love you.

I think it’s amazing... but not because the action isn’t horrifying. If it weren’t horrifying, her response wouldn’t mean, wouldn’t carry all of the weight that it does. You don’t have to have ever felt or experienced or imagined to understand how powerful the image is.

It’s a symbolic reiteration because it recaps the whole meaning. He’s already come to the place, to the hopeful place and made a different choice. It’s as if to say “rewind” and replay it from the top. The single touch echoes the single touch in the ghost of his mother that concluded in his return to the land of the living. The entire how many seconds there at the end that this exchange between Shinji and Asuka happens, is blown up and expounded upon in the whole last half of the movie right before this scene.

Introduction paragraph: “destrudo”.

Body paragraphs, the world of nothing you wished for and all the subsequent revelations and realizations about life and existence and why life is worth living.

Conclusion/Summary from the top: This journey in its most distilled and powerful form. Say you went there, say you decided to end everything, end her, end yourself, end life, end everything. ...She completely, completely defied all of it.

I would point you to the play Trifles for all your gripes about the concepts painted here. One of those required readings in school you know, in English, in the very English class(es) I took in the last couple of years no less. The abusive spouse, the husband that absolutely choked the life out of his wife emotionally. The whole plot is people trying to cover up for this poor woman that just lost it one day and ended him. My description won’t do justice, but we all empathize with that woman. We are made to, meant to. We feel for her, despite the literal act of murder. The whole thing is tragic. ...But you begrudge me an affinity for a series that ends artfully in a similar scenario explored but in the hypothetical ...and with the genders reversed. Explored, despair explored fully. Light found in the darkness. Meaning. Hope. The moral of the story, hope. The future is unwritten. This isn’t the end, it’s the beginning. Battered and broken, this isn’t the end. You wanna end it all? But this isn’t the end. Defying all expectations in a total and complete role reversal, the future is unwritten.

In the face of his pain now directed outward, a single touch that could move mountains,

I know....

....and I love you.

Edit: It was a mind-blowing finale of a film that no one saw coming. It defied all expectations by turning everything up to 11, EVERYTHING. Everyone’s first viewing, my own included, was, HOLY SHIT and WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST WATCH? Someone explain this shit.

First viewing of the series in a decade was 5 years ago, I’ve had a long time since to come to the insights I have, only now getting back to a re-viewing. It’s something of a never ending trip down the rabbit hole as I come to realizations about the meanings, things in places I never expected and my own discoveries about psychology and my own self and why these characters all resonated with me.

The thread, the threads throughout that are weaved into it, it’s made of real things. It’s a puzzle that has real answers, real parallels to real things in life, disguised and weaved allegorically in ways only a “high-context” culture could produce.

I took it for what it was, even if I didn’t understand it then. But the more I understand it now as an adult, the deeper it gets. There aren’t many stories out there with as much depth. And certainly not many in essentially YA fiction. There aren’t many stories out there that punch you in the gut the way this one does.

I’ve spoken for it, represented it on the whole, and now gone into detail about your shock and awe cuts that you use as ammunition.

I’ve spoken for it, and I’ve spoken for myself. There isn’t anything else to say.

Edit 2: Are we talking about "help" this morning?

I'll say it again if we are. I was in therapy/counseling when I arrived in Arizona. That ended when "you" got involved. He had better sense than any of you and wasn't about to be a part of "this" or caught in the middle or in violation of the ethics he was obligated to uphold.

Perhaps without knowing the full extent of your reach, he attempted to send me off on the right foot here in a new state, new life. Leaving all of "this" behind was the main idea. The message was that despite my attempts to get to the meat of anything and me wondering why he's not leading the conversation anywhere, that I was in a better place and just needed to focus on putting one foot in front of the other and focus on what was ahead of me and not behind me.

You have actively sabotaged every bit of that attempt to start over for the last 3 - 4 years. And now having seen the extent of your reach, I haven’t dared set one foot back into the therapy setting. Every step of the way, you’ve been there behind every person. Not everyone is so given or so eager to play a part. Some just avoid me entirely. Others, usually classmates, have gotten real keen on going to bat for you having been indoctrinated before ever meeting me.

You are the end of everything that ever can be or ever will be again.

Cease and desist, psycho stalker.

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flourishingbatter · 7 years

Text

Meanwhile...

During the time Johnny had been busy setting things up with his personal ‘tower’ the stragglers that have heard of the mushroom’s plea for help would find themselves crossing the border from Waterfall and onto Masteria.

Paul

Once you had exited through this, strange portal that you will arrive to an unfamiliar area, trees that stretched upwards to the sky almost blocks out the sun with only a few rays bleeding through the leaves that had adorned the branches. It's easy to tell that this place has been abandoned due to the construction and rubble littering the area. Save for an ominous and broken forestry that had been recently created. Through here, you'll see a certain mushroom having chosen a resting spot via a pile of bricks stacked neatly. To their delight, he'd hop off it posthaste once they noticed you all.

"H-Hey guys! Uh...Fancy meetin' you all here..."

Sela

Sela barely had time to step out and take in any surroundings when she jumps in surprise at Paul's sudden voice. "Shit! Oh-- Hi Paul..."

Revak

[Revak nodded, a tilt of his head denoting a measure of worry as he looked around. Seemed he was only slightly surprised by Paul's seemingly sudden arrival.] * Nice to see ya again. I just wish it was under happier circumstances.

Mina

Out she steps, hands on her hips as she glances around, squinting near angrily. She jumps seeing paul. "....." "Where is he?" Stright to the point as always, Mina.

Lilith

[* In steps a edgy skele. Lilith's eyes widen in amazement. It's.. honestly been a whole year since she'd seen vegetation similar to this before. It never ceased to amaze her. Her attention immedietely switches to Paul once he speaks. Oh hi again mushroom guy.]

Sela

Sela is looking around. She looks... unnerved.

Frisk

Into the wild, here's the bird stepping into the wilderness. Conquering it isn't their goal, though, as they're in a foreign land and... oh!October 15, 2017

Samga

Samga winds up FALLING OUT OF THE SKY! What an odd habit this Rabbit seems to possess. Thankfully, he winds up landing on the soft head of the giant, talking mushroom.

He lands with an audible Booooing!

Happy

Happy came through the portal, not living up to his name at the moment. He seems quite ticked off, actually... far from "happy" * Alright! I'm not here to play games or whatever, pals. Where the hell is Johnny so we can fix whatever problem he has so I can go back to trying to have a peaceful date with my boyfriend. Cause obviously, this is such a big deal if you're gonna leave a potentially dangerous portal in waterfall to get my attention. He crosses his vines like arms, and his attitude is pretty clear.

Paul

Much to Paul's surprise, he inadvertantly cries out in response from the abrupt landing of the bun crashing on top of him. "A-Aah!!" Though, with everyone arriving to the scene that he realized Johnny had...Made more friends than he thought originally. Taking a moment to compose himself, he'd point towards the opening in the jungle. "H-He uh...Went that way but...I kinda saw a weird purple light in the distance." It was a comforting thought that the flora had the confidence to have these people in his regard but knowing that they wanted to get this over with was nonetheless warranted, the mushroom wanted things to revert back to a quiet life after all.

Samga

The Rabbit rubs the back of his head before turning to look to Paul, "Ohey Mushman, didn't think I'd see you on the other side!.. uh.. sorry for dropping in, heh.."

Paul

"I-It's fine..."

AlphaJohnny

...The ground shakes violently underneath the ground you stood on. An intrusive volume of what was considerably an explosion in the distance echoes through the ambient and idle jungle.

Revak

[Revak stumbles, a startled squawk blurting from the dragon as he stuggles to regain footing... But planting his boots in the soft ground with his arms, tail, and wings spread, he managed it.] [Looking around in disbelief, only one question came to his mind in response.] * W-what the hell what that?!(edited)

Happy

The flower went wide eyed at the sound and movement. * Probably the problem, pal.

Lilith

[* Lilith her self has to summon a bone from the ground to keep herself steady as the 'earthquake' ensues. Yeaaaah that's not very good whatever it is.]

Paul

For Paul, to having felt that would make him stumble and fall face first into the ground. That was...Rather inconvenient for the most part. Making sure to push himself up and off the ground, the mushroom leans up, trying to make sense of what in the world that was. "I-...Uh...Okay uhm...I've tried tellin' him it wasn't this bad but uh- ...Oh no...Aster." That moment of realization made his face pale with immediate dread.

Happy

* Who?

Revak

[Revak's brow simply furrowed in confusion.]

Paul

"T-The doc! He came here earlier than you guys but-! Oh no no no, Johnny must've done something but..." He trails off, now beginning to whine slightly in distress while rubbing the sides of his head. "He went to go find him..."

Revak

* D-Doc...?! [No... it couldn't be the same one... after all, there could be so many alternates out there other than the Doctor Gaster he knew... But... all things considered, he wanted to at least check it out.] [The boss monster crouched just a bit, just to be able to see Paul's face, his own heavily marked with concern and worry.] * ...W-well... which way did he go...? Surely we'll find Johnny if we follow the same path, right...?

Samga

Samga's ears twitch as he looks in the direction where the explosion came from. His eyes narrow. "..Sounds like you and Johnny've got yourselves into a fine mess, who's Doc?"(edited)

Paul

Paul, after having a moment to dust himself would nod in hesitation. "Y-Yeah. I think we just need to be careful." With a quick exhale, he briefly looks to Samga for a moment. "...It kind've is...And, doc is pretty much the one who was...The answer to getting back home but Johnny...He wanted to take it into his own hands."

Sela

She put her hand on her hip and sighed. The longer she stood here, the more inclined she felt to turn around and just say NOPE to whatever mess was about to obviously unfold. especially with that explosion.

Happy

* Ok....? What did Johnny even do to start.... whatever is happening right now? Like what did he do to "take it into his own hands" pal? Happy raised an eyebrow.

Revak

[Revak nodded, seemingly asking himself the same question. His tail flicked anxiously, as if he were getting just as antsy as Sela.]

Lilith

[* Lilith dispelled her 'cane' and her hands returned to her hips, looking to the mushroom for answers. Story time?]

Mina

Mina walks over and places a hand on Sela's shoulder, there's a look of slight unease on her features.

Sela

Sela glances a her. She shares the sentiment, giving a slight nod before turning back to Paul.

Paul

"W-Well...It's not easy to say honestly. He took us to a...Weird place, and it was kinda spooky. And he seemed to know where he was going so I just put all my trust in him for what he asked." He hesitates once again, biting at his lip to discern the next piece of information that his gut told him that would somehow surprise them all. "...He, took these heart shaped things, called 'em souls and stuff. I kinda thought they were decorations for valentines day even though we're months ahead."

Sela

Her brows visibly rise, before furrowing very hard. "And, how many were there?"

Revak

[Revak's hand subconciously moved to his chest.] [...He... didn't like the sound of this.]

Happy

Happy gave Paul a dead stare. The attitude stopped, and all he's doing now is giving him a cold deadpan stare. * ................

Paul

"I remember there were specifically five...Why?"

Sela

"F-Five?!"

Lilith

[* And Lilith's own hand goes over her mouth. He.. He wouldn't! Not after... Not after he'd seen what ONE soul did to her! Why on earth?..] ".. Those souls.. they..."(edited)

Paul

Paul blinks, squaring his shoulders up in the immediate yell of the demon. "I- Is that a bad thing...?"

Sela

"...." She feels it. In her chest... there it's coming.... She puffs up a bit. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

That's anger in her chest.

Happy

* ...... For the love of- He facepalmed in annoyance

* YES THAT'S A BAD THING

Revak

[His eyes widened in shock... Revak had seen creatures that'd absorbed multiple... If Johnny had taken five...] * ...This is gonna be a loooong day...

Paul

"...Ah dang it I should've said something..." It was apparent that Paul somehow felt that this was his fault, as he drooped his head down.

Sela

"Okay, okay, fuck this." She throws a hand up. "It's one thing to knock sense into him, but I know some of us--myself included--have had a brush with just ONE soul, but five on top of his already yellow one?" She drags her hand over her face with a groan.

Happy

* For fucks sake I had though Johnny was reasonable. That's the last time I have faith in someone not being a dumbass and.... Okay I'm leaving. I can't stay here and clean up whatever mess he's making. I have a DATE to get to. A date that I've been holding off for a reasonably long time. I can't deal with this right now, pal. I just CAN'T.

Sela

"I was warned about trusting small talking yellow flowers, but I think this one has the right idea." She lightly gestures towards Happy. "Paul, what Johnny did-- He didn't just become a monster."

Mina

"....." Mina holds up her hand, oddly calmed.She waits to be noticed by others around her.

Paul

"I- I'm just at a loss on what to do here..."

Mina

"Hey. Shroom." Her voice is firm.

Revak

[Revak looks over to Mina... seemed she was taking charge. And who was he to argue?]

Paul

The sound of their voice would jog his attention to look up, watching her in question while his expression showed the pain look in his eyes.

Mina

"How many o' you actually know what happens when someone gets all th' SOULS? I research it with GhostMan, and I've got a pretty firm stack of research under my belt on that kinda shit." She bares her fangs. "Case in point. We gotta find that overgrown cactus boy before he starts tearin' a hole through the multiverse."

Paul

"...I didn't know all that stuff would just, jack him up or whatever, I...Ugh..."

Happy

* ....... Just fantastic. Happy groaned. He knew if they probably didn't do something now, it WILL become a problem later for him.

Mina

"He probbaly didn't either! That's why th-dumbass fuckin' touched 'em in the first place! jesus christ when will people realize that those fuckin' things are *DANGEROUS and people shouldn't fuckin PLAY WITH 'EM!? They're not JUST a one way ticket outta the Underground! They're also a fuckin pass to MASSIVE DESTRUCTION AND ERADICATION OF EVERYONE."Mina inhales."What fuckin' part of this are people not gettin' yet we have people playin' grabby hands at them things left and right!? everyone can't be that fuckin' stupid! BUT I stand corrected. INHALE."AGAIN."

Revak

[Revak nodded. Sounded reasonable to him.] * I mean, I already did damage with just my own by accident once. SOULs aren't to be toyed with, at all.

Sela

Sela kinda just, side steps a bit to give Mina some shouting space.

Mina

"Shut. Up. Revak." Sharp.

Sela

She frowns... maybe if she hadn't slapped him silly he wouldn't have acted so recklessly. Her hand comes up and rubs the back of her neck, mind wandering in thought.

Revak

[The dragon winces, backing up. Guess his two sense wasn't wanted.]

Lilith

[* Lilith held her own metaphorical tongue. Don't speak over the demon girl. Check.]

Mina

Mina exhales, seems she isn't too keen on saying much else anymore with her burst of anger. Honestly she's just salty that her friends are still not smart enough to do things that, you know, won't kill them. but, eh, To each their own.

AlphaJohnny

...The sound of what appeared to be something dropping whistles through the air.

Happy

* ....... Let's just find the dumb ass already. All this shit is giving me a headache and I wanted a movie night, not dealing with this crap todaaayyy... what the hell? Happy looks up in confusion

Revak

[Revak looks up, squinting to see what that noise might be.]

Lilith

[* Hey what what's up in the sky? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? It's.... well Lilith's still not sure yet.]

Mina

Mina just.. pinches the bridge of her nose in annoyance. "Right whate--" She looks up.

Paul

"...Wh- ...Uhm!? I'm not sure..."

Frisk

That sounded out of place, odd. Possibly not good, they're gazing up as well and scoffs.

AlphaJohnny

Suddenly, the whistle escalates to a sharp pitch, closing in to where they're located that urged everyone to move away. With a shattering boom, a massive figure crashes through the branches as loud snaps and cracking was heard and on top of that, the impact alone from being close to the blast zone would knock back the unlucky ones away from the portal. An eerie silence soon settles in, should everyone choose to look at what happened, they'd see someone towering over the portal, ignoring those around them.

Paul

The mushroom scrambles up to his feet and stands up, absolutely surprised and baffled in disbelief. It would seem that Aster hadn't convinced them at all...In fact, where were they?

Sela

She hadn't quite thought to move until last second, but managed to put a good short distance between her and the launched figure before the force promptly knocked her off her feet, sending her briefly through the air before landing on her feet, hand falling to the ground and claws digging to slow her sliding momentum. ... SHe coughs briefly from the dust in the air.

Revak

[Revak instantly threw his hands forward, blasting fire to propelling himself backwards out of the way and skidding to a halt, feet and claws digging into the dirt.] [He looked up, eyes squinting at the shadow through the dust that'd been kicked up.] * ...What in multiple worlds...?

Lilith

[* OK LARGE INCOMING. Lilith is quick to move away from the landing point and summons another bone from the earth in order to keep herself from being blown away(also having to hold onto her hat during the shockwave). Slowly, she would open her eyesockets, looking up at... oh hello tall being who may or may not be friendly.]

Frisk

Leaping away, Frisk makes a swift landing on their toes and shut their eyes to halt excess dirt and debris from moving into their eyes. Their feathers moved to veil their entire face, protecting it as a whole.

Samga

Samga rubbed the bridge of his snoot in annoyance. He remembered being around someone who had held 7 Souls before.. a Chara, specifically. It was a wonder he was on their good side. Though hearing the fact that Johnny had absorbed 5 souls, meaning he had 6 souls jam-packed inside his flowery body... He growls softly and then winces at the yelling Demon nearby. Then came the whistling, and the commotion followed soon after. His attention turned to the source, the figure towering over the portal. "... I'm guessing this is a one-way trip..?"

Mina

Mina is just standing there, waving her hand in her face from getting the dust outta her face. Fuckin'...

Paul

"...J-Johnny...?"

AlphaJohnny

The dust soon clears, revealing their whole appearance in detail. There wasn't an ilk of a response to Paul's question however as the titan abruptly darts his right arm to snatch the portal, with little to no regard to check his surroundings. The opening in question starts to writhe in his grasp, with only a brief word from Johnny to utter, "...Disgusting." before suddenly crouching back down to his knees then takes off, the exhaust expelling a massive amount of smoke as their exit had all but been too noticeable by now.

Revak

[Revak's expression could be compared to a blank slate, deadpan being the barest minimum description for his current state of mind.] * ...So I'm gonna assume going home isn't an option now.

Lilith

"Not in the slightest.." [* The bone is dispelled once more as she regains her composure.](edited)

Samga

Samga's eyes stared up at the towering titan grabbing at the portal that had dropped everyone off into this new world. He took the entire portal in his grip and absconded back to the top of the tower that he had emerged from. Samga's eyes hood halfway in half annoyance and half dismay. "... HEEEEEEEEEEEEY!" Samga shouts out, trying to call out to the giant. Yet try as he might, the attempt would fall on deaf ears. ".... Rgghh..." he groaned and turns to Paul, "Who's the Big Boy?"

Paul

"I...I don't believe it. He just-..." Paul huffs in disbelief, shaking his head before looking back to Samga, growing ever so worried. "...That was Johnny."

Revak

[...That... was......?] [Revak now wore a strained smile, one that screamed "i have completely lost control of my life".] * ........why.

Samga

"...." Samga took in Paul's words carefully. *That's Johnny? How did he get so beastly? He was hardly recognizeable, but the TV face seems like it'd only be worth it if he had unlimited access to TV channels. He takes in a deep breath, looks like another day of adventure for him.."Looks like he had one helluva growth spurt."(edited)

Frisk

"Ah man." Uncovering their eyesight, Frisk becomes stunned, standing back up and tightening their grip. Their least concern was the mess left around, it's settled that Johnny's definitely a threat; with how gigantic and powerful he seemed at first glance. They stared around, gawking and gritting their teeth afterwards. "Was it really? As in, batta' swing? I'm... not sure what to think." At a loss for words, really.

Lilith

[* Oh yeah. This day. Was going to be HELL. Should their friend make it so which was.. quite likely. Lilith sighed and rubbed a gloved hand down her cracked muzzle. What was this day becoming anymore?..] "....Anyone here have any bright ideas to go about this yet? [* Wow straight to tactics already Lilith sheesh.]

Happy

Happy stood mouth wide open at the sight of what just happened. And then he yelled in a burst absolute anger. * DID HE HAVE TO FUCKING DO THAT OUT OF ALL THINGS!? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPLAIN TO CORRUT WHAT HAPPENED!? He put his vines on his head in an exaggeratedly irritated manner.

Paul

"Hmm...I...Guess we should go talk to him? I just wanna figure out why he's bein' so sudden about this. One second we're just settling into our normal lives, the next he gets Avarice's help and does...Something."(edited)"...Ughh...This is gonna be a hard time to explain to Mr. and Mrs. Rajotte...."

Revak

* ...Yyyyeah... I think at least a few of us have at least a few words we wanna say to him... [Three, in fact... they happen to be "what", "the" and "fuck".] * We should go find him... wherever the hell he went...

Lilith

"If that's what we're going for, I'd say getting into small groups and spreading out would probably get us to that point faster. Assuming everyone else agrees with that idea?" [* She would wait for any ageements and rejections, fixing her ribboned fedora.]

Revak

[His horned head turned to face the skeleton, his mouth drawn back taut in a look of discomfort.] * With all due rescpect, I'm not sure we have a method to keep in contact. That's a surefire way to end up lost and separated.

Lilith

[* She nodded, acknowledging the small error.] "It was mostly an idea to be placed on the pedestal, but you are correct.""Anyone else?"

Sela

Sela comes back to the group, brushing her hand off on the side of her thigh. She looks pissed. "This is why I was so damn hesitant in the first place, now we're trapped in some foreign world and have to probably somehow kick the ass of our souls-roided friend to even hope of getting back. Peachy. I'm glad I ate before falling into this fucking mess."(edited)She's bitching mostly to herself.

Revak

[His claws pinched the bridge of his snout. Sela... had a point. Revak had gotten his ass handed to him in every fight he's been in since he came here, and somehow, if they for some reason needed to fight Johnny, he'd need to win against someone jacked to the nines on SOULs?] [It... didn't feel all too reassuring to him... But considering the portal was... elsewhere, there was no going back.] * ...If anyone has some kind of method to potentially be able to navigate this place, we could do that... * Like, we follow the gigantic path of felled trees, then if the trail stops, we could start marking where we've been?

Paul

"I...I guess but..." Then, as if a lightbulb had suddenly blinked over his head that inspiration would strike him as he looked up to Revak. "H-Hey! Can you fly and stuff?"

Revak

[Revak tilted his head a bit.] * Only for short periods.... It tends to really drain my energy. Why do ya... [The dragon's eyes widened.] * Oh... OH! Ya may be on to something! * If I can get to the canopy, I can guide us from the treetops! * Is that what you're getting at? [Huh... Paul may have come off as a one track mind at first, but the mushroom man seemed to have come up with a pretty brilliant plan...!]

Paul

"Wait just...I think you can be our eye in the sky. See if you can like get on top of a branch and point us there!"

Revak

[Revak nodded, a rather determined glint in his eye.] * I've got this... Just stand back. [Crouching low, the hybrid spread his wings wide, the leathery folds pulsing with magical energy. Looking up above, he fixated his gaze on a perfect landing point... There!] * I'll be right back. [Springing back up, Revak launched himself off the ground with a powerful gust from empowered wingflaps, the manuever hurling him high into the forest canopy... Before using the momentum presented to fire a burst of flame from his hands, propelling him further with minimal magic usage until he finally managed to grab hold of a branch, swinging around and upwards and perching carefully atop it, not unlike a gargoyle.] [Once secure, golden eyes would scour the area for any indication of there Johnny could be...]

Lilith

[* Lilith would watch the dragon hybrid ascend, holding onto her hat so it wouldn't fly away with the gust. This wasn't a bad idea either. Cool respect points for the mushroom guy. Now all they had to was just sit back and wait for a little more insight.]

Paul

What tipped off Revak's insightful vision would be the fact he could now definitely see a tall...Tree of all things, with a building smack dabbed on top of it, as if itself was serving as a tower. "Hey! What do you see up there?!" Paul would call out, having decided to cup both hands to his mouth in an imatation of a megaphone.

Revak

[....Now that was certainly something that stuck out... Taking note of the location of the nigh colossal tower in the distance, he'd look down at the others and try to listen.... to what felt like an inquiry of what he saw...?] [...He took a deep breath... bellowing as a dragon could, could certainly let himself be heard, but it always hurt his throat to do anything but roar... but this was more important. Loud and clear, a booming voice burst from Revak's throat, sounding maybe as loud as a slightly raised voice by the time it reached the ground.] * There seems to be a gigantic tower overrrr... that way! [A small bolt of flame shot out from his hand in the direction of the tower before fizzling out.] * It's like a gigantic tree but with a really old building on top of it! Was that always there?

Paul

"...Wait, what?! No that..." The mushroom tilts his head down in thought, trying to piece together of what he assumed was linked to the quake they had felt. It was only for that moment was it now began to dawn on him. Johnny himself had created that. And that was where their destination lied. He needed to help these people, as he felt obligated for getting them involved in such a mess. "No! I...I don't think so! I think that's where he's holding himself up!"

Revak

[Uh-huh... so that was it.] * Got it! So we have a general direction! Or at least somewhere to start looking! I'll make my way back down! [Revak was filled with BRAVERY... and tilted back, falling from the branch into a dive before righting himself and blasting the air in front of him to rocket himself to the trunk of the tree whose branch he'd perched. He'd dig in his heels, slowing his descent to a crawl before hopping off the tree and spreading his wings to keep his descent slow before tucking and rolling into a landing, and standing back upright.] * ...There we are... [He coughed a bit, voice a bit hoarse from his bellowing.] * ...we all set...?October 17, 2017

Samga

Samga had listened to Revak and Paul, while Sela started blasting out over the situation which then made him realize... He was starting to get hungry again. His stomach gives off a loud growl and he places a hand onto his gut, groaning. "UUuugghhh.. I should've picked something up on the way here, didn't think we'd have to start traveling.." With a raising of his arms and arching of his back, the small Rabbit would stretch himself... It's then he realized, this was a new world.. does that mean he.. He quickly looks down at his hand and clenches it tightly, trying to ignite it as he would back in the Underground.

Mina

Mina's just been completely dejected this entire time. She's just glaring at everything around her. hearing Sela bitch herself out for slapping Johnny. Please, wait until SHE got her hands on him, she was going to do more than slap him. "I'm going to knock that kid's fuckin' block off." She states firmply.

#ic #chatlog #GuestStragglers #discordevent #server #TheHomecoming #its a long read if you want to see whats happening in this place

11 notes · View notes

raepritewrites · 7 years

Text

More fanfiction nobody asked for

this is a personal project ive been working on for a few months now. its not much but id love to have feedback! thanks guys, enjoy! ^_^

This is Not a Love Story

Why is it we can’t always remember when something important happens?

I can tell you the date and time of my birth (thanks mom, but, too much). I know when my parents got married. I know that Thanksgiving falls on the last Thursday of November… yet, I can’t tell you when things changed. Just that they did. One minute, my world looked a certain way, the next everything was different. One minute, there’s a person. Then suddenly she’s a girl. A cute girl. A sexy girl. A girl I like.

And then things change again.

Offhand, I can’t remember when we met. Not exactly. Probably at a party, one of the many that Quinn threw together and I somewhat reluctantly joined in on. It was hard not to, seeing it was at my house. Well, our house – me, Quinn, Todd, and Ben, we all roomed together at the time. At first, it was Quinn and this guy Frank and the others at the house. Then Frank got married, and I needed some new scenery – that didn’t involve my parents – and Quinn offered me the spare bedroom.

It made sense, in a weird way, to all room together. I’m pretty sure Quinn could have afforded to rent the house on his own, but he’s one of those guys that thrives on people. I think if you stuck him on a deserted island, he’d die of loneliness before he ever ran out of coconuts.

For Todd, it was a matter of independence – not really him declaring it, as much as his parents forcing it upon him. He wasn’t so bad, as far as roommates go, but I learned quickly not to ever rely on him to clean… or cook… or shop for groceries… or really do anything particularly useful. He hardly ever came out of his room, except to go to work and eat, and whenever there were people over he never hung out with us. It was kind of like being roommates with a ghost. A ghost who drank orange juice straight out of the carton and then put it back.

Ben was somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. Not super social, but not a recluse. I’ve been informed – subtly and not so much – that I’m a bit of a nerd and a geek. Fair enough, but I don’t think those people have seen Ben in action. Ben took everything to the next level. He’s played more rpgs, more video games, and went to more cons than anyone I know. In thirty years, I picture him as the comic book store guy from the Simpsons, though hopefully with less jaundice.

I’m sure you’re wondering where I fit into all this. Let’s just say, I was voluntarily seeking independence, desiring a little more social interactions, drinking O.J. out of a glass like a normal person, and improving my skills in Dungeons & Dragons.

Now it’s just Ben, his girlfriend, Cassie, and me rooming together, while everyone else has moved on. But that’s not what this story is about. Honestly, I don’t know what it’s about. I guess… when you get right down to it, it’s about her.

So, there was a party, or several parties, and there I was. There she was. And it didn’t mean a thing. Because I didn’t notice her. I mean, we were friends, casual friends, but that was it. Looking back, I don’t know how I ever could have missed her. I chalk it up to being the type of guy who doesn’t notice jailbait (she was younger than me). It’s one of my better qualities, if I do say so myself.

She and her sister were old friends with Quinn, because everyone is old friends with Quinn, and they ended up at our house a lot. We mostly just hung around talking, or playing pool, or occasionally pulling out the Risk boards to try to conquer the world for as long as we could. What I remember from those nights, mostly, was her sister Victoria.

Victoria and her sister, Ava, were a lot alike. Both short, both fair, though Victoria was tanner. They were both funny, and both friendly. They even looked similar. Blondes, though Victoria was dirty blonde and Ava was ash blonde. Round faces, small mouths, and button noses. You only saw the differences between them if you paid attention. Victoria was athletic, cool, and unreadable. She was nice to everyone, but she played her cards close to the chest, and you never could tell exactly what she was thinking.

Ava wasn’t an open book, exactly. There was always some small, secret smile hiding at the corner of her mouth. But ninety percent of the time, one look at her face could tell you almost everything. She was curvier, more sarcastic, and opinionated. Even back then, I knew she didn’t hold back. Whatever she thought of you, she could sum it up in one word, or one smirk. That’s not to say she was mean, or at least, she didn’t try to be. It was nice that someone finally said what they were thinking, it took the guesswork out of everything.

I’m not sure when I started to pay more attention to her. As time went on, Victoria and Ava were always around, hanging out with us. They became kind of a unit – it was weird when you didn’t see both of them together, like they were missing their arm. They weren’t very close in age. Victoria was about five years older, I think, but it hardly showed. Victoria was a little immature for her age, Ava was more grownup so they balanced each other out.

As time went on though, Victoria found other social groups and we didn’t see her as much. Ava still came though, for the parties and the game nights. We’d ask where Victoria was on those nights when Ava appeared alone at the door, but all Ava would ever say was she was out somewhere else. Had other plans. Sorry, couldn’t make it. Next time, honest.

I guess it was at that point that I started to really pay attention to Ava.

Around Victoria, she had always seemed a little muted, like Victoria did enough of the joking and laughing and talking for both of them. Or like she didn’t feel the need to interact much when Victoria supposedly had it covered.

Underneath the affection they shared, there was a faint tenseness to their relationship. You’d never pick up on it unless you were hanging around them for as long as I did.

Victoria liked to ‘rein in’ her sister’s sarcastic jokes; she’d shoot her a look whenever she felt that Ava was getting a little too loose with her humor and her comments. “Because I’m her big sister, and it’s my job to look out for her,” I’d overheard her quietly explain this once to someone. Most of the time, Ava would back down, blushing occasionally at her own cheekiness. But sometimes, Ava would stare right back at her sister, defiant and irritated, which made Victoria back down instead.

With Victoria out wandering the world Ava-free, it was like looking at a new person entirely.

Ava laughed louder and more freely at anything she found funny when Victoria was missing, and she had a sense of humor that was both broad and obscure, dry and wet. Almost anything could make her giggle: puns, nerdy jokes, little-known references, sarcasm, and bad movies. I liked that about her.

Ava was also a giant nerd, which was even better. She loved Star Trek, cartoons, fantasy and mystery books – she even wrote fan fiction. I’d nearly lost it when she mentioned that.

“Fan fiction?” I asked in disbelief.

Ava was smiling, a little uncomfortably, and blushing bright pink. “Yeah. I started when I was eleven. I don’t write as much as I used to, but I really like it. I like taking a part of a world I know really well, and putting it back together in a way that I think works better. I love thinking of all the little in between scenes that don’t make it into a book or movie. How this, led to that. And I really love falling down the rabbit hole into the endless Wonderland of ‘what ifs’. Is that crazy?”

I thought about it. “No, not really. I’ve just never met someone in real life who does it. I thought only kids in middle school and recluses wrote fan fiction.”

“I take some offense to that,” Ava said, trying to look affronted but only succeeding in smiling. “I’ll have you know I was the most reclusive middle schooler in the world. I’m a prime candidate for being a fan fic author.”

“What kind of stories do you write? You don’t write slash, do you?”

Ava laughed now. “No! I write about superheroes, and all the reasons they get PTSD and should be in therapy. Seriously, why hasn’t Batman consulted a shrink yet? He’s got ample reason to. Mommy and Daddy issues to fill an entire wing at Arkham Asylum.”

It took a while, a long while, after Victoria floated off to other locales that I learned just what a deep well of nerddom Ava drew from.

Ava guarded her nerdiness like Smaug guarding dwarf treasure. She only made inside jokes or talked about her favorite comics with those she knew were in on the secret. I wasn’t sure why, but I always got excited when I found a new aspect of her fangirl personality. It was like discovering a new (blah blah I’ll edit this simile later) every time we talked.

I’m not much of a talker. Or a smiler, so I’m told. But when I’m with Ava, I want to laugh. She’s funny even when she’s not trying to be.

#fanfiction #personal #rae writes #rae prite writes #this is not a love story #thoughts #critique #read and review #dont hold back #thanks for reading

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katesattic · 7 years

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My Experience with Anxiety and Depression [and How Supernatural and Thomas Sanders (Unknowingly) Helped] #BellLetsTalk

I wanted to do something completely out of my comfort zone; I wanted to make a video about it. But then I kind of got sick and lost my voice. So that option’s kind of out. And with only two days until the event there is no way I would be giving myself enough time to learn how to edit, so even with my voice now coming back, there still wouldn’t be enough time. So, maybe I’ll try to make a video for next year. So here we are. Back to my usual format: writing. And that’s OK. I can probably better articulate my thoughts this way anyway.

So, where do I start? Death anxiety? Social anxiety? Generalised anxiety? Depression? I guess with the death anxiety? I view it as my longest anxiety, though I could have possibly had the social anxiety longer, it was the death anxiety that was more difficult to cope with. Why don’t I just split it up into four parts so this way I’m not going back and forth on which I had when. We can focus on the chronology of each individually.

DEATH ANXIETY

So this one arose, as you could image, as the result of a loved one passing away. My grandmother specifically, though I called her Nanny, and to make things easier on myself, that’s what I’ll continue to call her.

I was no stranger to death. My younger sister, my baby brother’s twin, died at nine days old. At the time, I was three. I definitely knew my parents were sad and that our family would be different yet again (nine days ago we went from a family of four to a family of six, now we were down to five). I knew things were going to be different, but I don’t think I understood the gravity of the situation. I don’t think I knew how finite death actually was.

Seven years later, I was ten, and my cat had been put down. I did not know this at the time, and my mum managed to convince the vet into releasing the body. So my mum brought our dead cat home and told us that she found the cat dead in the basement. For years, I swore I saw the cat’s ghost around the spot where my mum claimed she died. Now, I understand why the cat was put down, her health was deteriorating. But at that time, there was a void. She was my childhood pet and she “suddenly” passed away. I remember being legitimately sick after her passing, not just grieving but cough and fever, that whole deal. But not much else. It was twelve years ago after all.

Two years after my cat died, so did my Nanny. To this day we still don’t know the exact cause. My dad suspects some things, but we have no definitive answer on what was his mother’s cause of death. I think I took this death the hardest. She was my favourite grandparent, and she was the first of them to die. How was that fair? Again, it was ten years ago, I was twelve, I don’t remember specifics. But I do remember a few years later when the family went to see the film UP, and I just couldn’t enjoy it. You know that beginning? Carl and Ellie’s whole life story is told in like five minutes? Yeah, well, I was kind of triggered by that. I didn’t know that was a term, but in hindsight, I was definitely triggered. Ellie reminded me of Nanny, and I just couldn’t get happy after the movie ended.

I also remember the death anxiety coming up randomly in class in grade eight, and thinking life’s so short and fearing what would happen to me after I died. I’ve had panic attacks about that. My most recent one was a really bad one in 2014. But now I don’t let myself go that deep. I don’t let myself go down that rabbit hole. I take a deep breath, tell myself “we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it” and find something entertaining to distract me from my thoughts. And that’s been working well so far.

SOCIAL ANXIETY

OK, this one doesn’t really have an exact start date. I can’t pinpoint any one event. I’ve kind of just always had it. And I just shrugged it off as shyness and introversion. But it’s more than that. I am definitely shy and introverted, but I also have social anxiety. When I was formally diagnosed, my mum wasn’t remotely surprised about this one. The depression was a surprise but this one she always suspected.

If anything, university made it worse. I mean, it was always an issue, but being in an entirely different province where I literally knew absolutely no one. That didn’t help. I couldn’t even stand the thought of going to orientation. And I assumed that was because of my extreme shyness, though now I know it’s my near-crippling social anxiety. Hindsight is 20/20 after all.

I think it was during this time that I became much more active on the internet. Tumblr specifically, I love this website. But I began bingeing more on shows and would only really leave my dorm to go to the meal hall or class. I was just so terrified of social interaction. And I still am. But now I’m taking baby steps towards meeting people. Right now, all I can do is talk to people online, but if people don’t rush me and let me do it when I’m ready, I’d be fine meeting people in a comfortable and safe public place.

This is the one I think I have to work on the most. I know where I want to be and don’t know entirely how to get there, but I am taking small steps. I’m even telling people I suffer from social anxiety to let them know I’m not just being a bitch but that I am actually struggling and terrified to make social connections for fear of rejection.

The other real problem with this anxiety, for me specifically, is that I come off as bitchy and standoffish. Maybe I have bitchy resting face? I don’t know. But that’s what my mum thinks anyway. Whether I seem bitchy or snobby, or whatever is just what you see on the outside. Inside my mind, down that deep rabbit hole of suck, I am freaking the fuck out. Apparently, I mask that panic by looking snobby, who knew? But I assure you, if I’m actually being a bitch, you’d know about it. I don’t really keep that side of me quiet. But just standing alone in a crowd or in a corner? Yeah, I’m probably not plotting some bithcy scheme. I’m most likely terrified and seeking sanctuary in the very place that is so often cruel to me: my mind.

Meeting people scares the crap out of me. It really does. But I yearn for those social relationships. I am human after all. But going out into the world and actually seeking out people with whom to form those relationships? I’m not quite there yet. For now, I’m focusing on making friends online, but also people who live near me, so when I am comfortable, I will be ready to take that next step and meet them.

GENERAL ANXIETY

This asshole. This one was definitely brought on by university life. Seriously, I don’t think this would have affected me to the degree which it has, had it not been for university. In some ways, university is better than secondary school, in others, it is exponentially worse. Procrastination only exacerbates the anxiety monster, but it definitely is not the cause. Deadlines. Terrifying deadlines, the weight of an assignment, and the fear of failure – the intense fear of failure – is the cause.

This one was kind of brought on hand-in-hand with my depression. I mean, I still stressed about marks before, but this really hit me hard when my depression stepped onto the scene. So both this beast, and depression entered into my brain after an event which I just call “the Academic Fiasco”. It is not an event I am comfortable discussing not because I am ashamed or embarrassed (though I am a bit) but because I don’t feel entirely out of the woods yet. And until I the woods are safely behind me (in other words: after I graduate) I won’t really be elaborating upon it. So the Academic Fiasco is a story for next year’s Let’s Talk Day.

Anyway, after the Academic Fiasco, I did enter into a depression. For several months. And ever since then I was never truly able to shake it. And it would come in waves. Sometimes I would be fine and my usual self but often the depression got in the way. So after the actual ordeal of the Fiasco was over with, and the depression had more or less subsided, I was then left with this anxiety. This dread that surrounded my marks in academia and my potential future career after obtaining my degree. This feeling just wouldn’t go away. And in November 2016, my friend started to notice that I was acting differently. She’s been my friend going on seventeen years now (we’ll both be 23 later this year), so she’s known me most of my life. And she could tell, through the virtual world, several provinces away, and through text not video chat, that something wasn’t right. My parents didn’t even know. Apparently, I hide my depression well. But my friend instantly suspected depression as she’s had it in the past and was medicated for it. She told me to seek help. So I booked an appointment at the Counselling Centre on campus and had a Brief Initial Consultation (where they would listen to me for thirty minutes to decide if my issues were serious enough to be waitlisted for therapy). It was during this time that the therapist believed I had anxiety, the death anxiety for sure, but also general anxiety. She didn’t really think I had depression, but she was certain I had anxiety. She suggested I seriously consider medication.

The thought had occurred to me once or twice. But until my friend expressed concern I hadn’t really thought about medication in a while. So, when the appointment was done, I went to the Health Clinic on campus and booked an appointment for the following Tuesday (I saw the therapist on Saturday). And then I went home with nothing but the knowledge that I wasn’t crazy for thinking I wasn’t OK. And that was a relief.

It was over the next few days that I started to watch Thomas Sanders videos. Now, I know he’s been on Vine since 2013, but I really had no idea who he was up until that point. I didn’t have Vine, so I didn’t know him from there. But his vines would sometimes make their way on to my dashboard on Tumblr, so I knew of him. I knew he was that funny, relatable guy that I would occasionally see on my dashboard which could always bring a smile to my face in seven seconds or less. But I really had no idea who he was beyond that. I don’t really remember how I stumbled upon his vines on YouTube, but I did. It was there where I found an hour-and-forty-minute-long compilation of his vines – it definitely wasn’t all his Vines, but it was a significant amount of them. From there I started watching his YouTube videos. And I quite literally watched them all (check my watch history. I’m not lying) and have re-watched them many times since. For quite some time Supernatural – an oddly dark show – was the only thing that could completely distract me from my mind. Other shows and films could only do so for a time, but Supernatural and Thomas Sanders have consistently kept me distracted from the darkest areas of my mind. And this guy, this king amongst men, this angel without wings, not only did he distract me, but he brought genuine joy to my life during a time when I thought that to be impossible. Thomas Sanders wasn’t just a distraction from that horrible rabbit hole in my brain, he was genuinely uplifting. And for that, I will forever be thankful.

That following Tuesday, the twenty-seventh of November 2016, I was officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Together, my doctor and I agreed that it was best if I start medication.

DEPRESSION

Oy, this thing. Depression, my greatest foe. Honestly, depression is King Douchebag. Depression is that demonic Hobgoblin thing that likes to run about inside my mind and cause mayhem wherever it goes. It is the king of a shit-tastic court. This royal dickhead of a mental disorder is the reason I felt worthless after that Fiasco, this monstrosity of an illness was the reason I felt hopeless and joyless. Depression was the dementor, and my life was wasting away.

As I said above, in November I went to the therapist on campus where the therapist believed me to have anxiety but wasn’t convinced that I had depression. My friend, conversely, was certain I had depression. So that following Tuesday, after four days of bingeing Supernatural again, and watching copious amounts of Thomas Sanders videos, I went to the Health Clinic, and I talked about how I felt, and the doctor made me fill out two questionnaires. I was told to evaluate my last two weeks, rate how I felt from 0-4, and tick a little yes/no box on the depression sheet. Then she evaluated me. And she determined that I, indeed, had both depression and anxiety.

We decided together that medical intervention was best. I had been definitely suffering on-and-off since 2015. So I got the prescription and went straight to the closest pharmacy to my apartment to get it filled because I was not waiting another day. I knew the meds would take several weeks to start taking effect, so I didn’t want to waste any time. Why feel crappy any longer right? We decided on Cipralex because it’s a brand I knew (two friends of mine have taken it) and she said it had low side-effects. Now, it’s January 2017, and I definitely feel better. The meds definitely help, and I am in no way afraid to admit that.

COPING

So, I’m taking SSRIs but overall, how am I coping? Much better actually. When attacks strike, I do some breathing techniques and some light meditation. I’m also learning to face the problem instead of just hoping it goes away. Distractions might seem like nothing more than avoiding the issue but, honestly, they help. They help get you outside of your mind. And believe you me, I know how vicious the mind can be. So distractions are nice, even if they aren’t permanent. The other big thing is having someone to talk to, whether that is a friend, a family member, a teammate, a therapist, or some random stranger willing to lend you their ear. It makes a world of difference. To know that you are not alone is another big one. On days like today, it’s easy to see that. Social media is abuzz about Bell Let’s Talk. But throughout the rest of the year, it might not seem that way. And please know that if you feel alone and you need someone to talk to, you can always talk to me. You can contact me in various ways on social media or by email. I’ve been through the bad, and now I’m starting to see the light, and you will too. Just don’t be afraid to ask for help.

I started coping by escaping into shows. That’s the magic of a Netflix account. You can just binge. It doesn’t judge (except on some devices where it asks if you’re still there. Like, geez, I am just let me binge in peace!). CraveTV and the wonder that is Letterkenny also helped. It’s the best Canadian show I’ve seen in years and can’t wait for the St. Paddy’s special and season three. But the show that’s helped me the most has been Supernatural. I found the show on Netflix (I heard of it before and actually tried watching the pilot once before, but Mary on the roof scared the crap out of me, so I stopped) and binged all ten seasons. This was during my summer slump. I wasn’t truly depressed then, but there was just a gloomy air about me. After watching all ten seasons in under two weeks, I looked for other shows. I started watching Stranger Things but stopped at episode four after experiencing a panic attack (which was unrelated to the show or my usual triggers), and I have not picked up the show since. After being talked out of panic by my dad over the phone, I was calm enough to hang up. But I didn’t feel entirely at peace, so I went back to re-watching Supernatural. It was after that attack that I also watched season eleven through less conventional means (because it wasn’t on Netflix yet). And I started to feel better again. For several months, I just re-binged the show, albeit at a slower pace than I first watched it. It was the one thing that made me feel good. My worries melted away when that show was on, and I was enthralled in the narrative.

The other thing that helped me cope was Thomas Sanders. As I mentioned above, in the days leading up to my diagnoses, I stumbled upon a compilation of his Vines, and I was hooked. I found he made YouTube videos and I watched them all. I got Snapchat just so I could see his snaps. I followed him on Instagram and Twitter and liked him on Facebook. Then I found out he has a Tumblr (@thatsthat24)! And it was magical. My favourite site and my new favourite internet personality, together! So I follow him there too. But unlike the others, I get notifications when he posts to Tumblr, and seeing those notifications are the best part of my day. It’s always something positive, or funny, or relatable, and it’s always certain to bring a smile to my face. I know that Thomas Sanders is only human and that he’s not happy every second of every day (if he were, he would be a game show host), but I really appreciate that everything he puts online is positive. I have no idea what goes on in his life, what anxieties he might face, but if he reads this, I want to thank him for brightening my day and making it suck a little less. Because right now, he’s the thing that makes me happiest and I hope we, his fans, make him just as happy.

________________________________________________________

Holy! That was 3150-ish words (or 5 12pt Garamond single-spaced pages). If you stuck through it all, thank you. I hope #BellLetsTalk 2017 was everything you hoped it would be. And sorry for the length, but I needed to make sure I said everything. -KNC

P.S. I'm sitting here thinking about the family gossip that might ensue (because, before today, only my immediate family knew) and honestly, I don't care. I don't care if it makes them uncomfortable, because this isn't about them. My illness doesn't affect them, so I really don't care what they think or how they’ll react.

#Bell Let's Talk 2017 #bell lets talk #BellLetsTalk #spn #supernatural #spn family #fanders #thomas sanders #ts #thatsthat24 #mental illness #mental health #mental health awareness #mental health matters #anxiety #depression #end the stigma #fuck the stigma #knc

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