#i have enough issues w just like. existing without guilt. if i exist in a way that can be considered cringey? i will shrivel up and die | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kazuchii · 3 years

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Could i have some fluffy headcanons with Diluc, Zhongli, and Albedo who have an s/o with really dark eyebags? Like they sleep fine at night but the eyebags just...won't go away

GN!Reader with Eyebags w/ Genshin Boys

A/N: Thank you for requesting! This request was actually really easy for me since I too, struggle with eyebags that just won’t go away XD Sorry this took a bit! I've been a little busy. Hope you enjoy it!

Synopsis: The Genshin boys are a little worried about your eyebags, thinking you're not sleeping at night.

Characters: Albedo, Diluc, Zhongli

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: N/A

Masterlist

Albedo didn’t seem worried at first when it came to your eyebags. He just assumed you weren’t sleeping very well.

Honestly, I doubt Albedo gets well rested at night. He probably stays up late doing alchemy stuff after all. He always advised you to go to bed ahead of him for you to get the best sleep possible.

Whenever he would come to bed, you’d always be passed out under the bedsheets.

So when Albedo noticed your dark eyebags, he was puzzled.

You seemed to be sleeping like a log at night. You were always passed out and dreaming away whenever he arrived home to your shared bed.

The only hypothesis to this he could speculate was that you were indeed staying up late at night. Were you possibly staying up late at night waiting for him?

This only made Albedo more concerned. He told you that there was no reason for you to stay up late waiting for him. But you went and did it anyway, resulting in you passing out at night waiting every night.

The guilt Albedo felt made him mess up a couple of times the following day. Items would slip out of his grasp the moment he let the guilt surface.

He confided to Sucrose about the issue, his head in his hands.

“Well Mister Albedo, shouldn’t you just…be honest with them about your concerns?”

So that night, you were getting prepared for bed. Just as you sat on the bed, the door slammed open.

You jumped a little, swinging your head to the maniac that decided to scare you just as you were about to head to bed for the night.

Albedo stood there, a serious expression planted on his facial features.

“Albedo?”

“Stop staying up late for me.”

An awkward smile crept up onto your face, cocking your head off to the side.

“What do you mean?”

“Your eyebags. I’ve noticed them. You need to get more sleep.”

“But Albedo-“

He wasn’t listening to you though. His face morphed into a more sincere, worried one as he moved towards the bed.

“I want what's best for your health. Please stop staying up late waiting f-”

“Bedo, I don't stay up late for you.”

Albedo froze on the spot, blinking as his brain shut off.

“I go to bed on time each night. Who said I ever stay up late for you? Bedo, I love you, but I’d rather sleep than wait for you for hours.”

He was almost offended by that statement.

“But...your eyebags.”

“Oh, yeah they won't leave no matter what I do. Probably payback for staying up late years earlier. I should probably try some sort of cream to get rid of them.”

As you blabbered on and on about your eyebags, Albedo was still trying to restart his brain. Sure he was the one who had originally told you your health was more important, but why did that statement hurt so much-

For the past few days, you’ve hardly been able to get a single glimpse of Diluc. He’s been so preoccupied with his work that you never see him, you only hear him bid you goodbye early every morning.

The only people to keep you company was the maids working at his mansion. They would take care of you by making any meals and just cleaning throughout the building.

Meanwhile, you just did whatever you pleased.

I mean, this was your home as well so there wasn’t really anyone stopping you. You’d just do whatever you felt like doing at the moment.

But you got to a point where you were bored. You missed the feeling of Diluc and the warmth he always had radiating from him. You craved the feeling to be wrapped up in his arms.

You wanted to feel loved

So since absolutely nothing was stopping you from doing whatever you pleased, you decided to go on a little adventure.

And by adventure, I mean taking a little trip to Mondstadt and stopping by Angel’s Share.

Diluc never exactly said you couldn’t visit while he worked, but I don’t think he ever thought you would so he never said anything.

It was late into the evening when you finally reached the gates of Mondstadt. The exhausted guards greeted you with a lazy wave as you passed by them.

It didn’t take too long to find Angels Share.

Creaking open the door to Angel’s Share, you peeked your head in. The bar was completely deserted besides a single man residing behind the counter; Diluc.

“Diluc!”

Diluc’s head perked up instantaneously.

“(Y/N)?”

He rushed out from behind the counter to come to greet you at the entrance.

“Love, what are you doing here? You should be back home getting ready for bed.”

“I missed you, so I wanted to come to see you. We haven’t been spending much time together after all.”

Diluc could feel the heat rising up to his face. How could you say that without being embarrassed in the slightest?

The smile on your face wasn’t helping his situation whatsoever. But soon enough, his eyes caught something off about your appearance.

“Love, have you been sleeping well at night?”

“Yeah, why?”

“You’ve got dark eyebags underneath your eyes.”

Oh yeah, you forgot those were there. You were so used to them being there that you forgot all about them.

“Oh, yeah. So, they refuse to leave no matter what I do. I get at least a solid eight hours of sleep every night, but they just don’t seem to want to leave.”

“Have you tried different treatments?”

“I have tried all the possible ones here in Mondstadt, but nothing seems to be working.”

“Perhaps something to help you could be located in Liyue…”

“You don’t have to do that for me!”

But Diluc wasn’t having any of that. He lifted his gloved hand, cupping your cheek, and gazed towards you lovingly.

“Love, I hope you realize the things I’d do to make you smile.”

Zhongli never expected him to fall for a mortal. When you came into his life, at first he was a little concerned. After all, you were just a human with a limited life span. If he were to get attached, he would be forced with leaving you behind. He would be forced with watching you age and eventually pass on.

So, when he first felt the bubbly feeling inside his chest whenever he would spend time with you, he was wary. He tried to distance himself from you, but in the end, it didn't go as planned.

He still became attached, it was just something he couldn't prevent.

Now he finds himself with you whenever he can. He'd rather spend time making memories with you than worrying about your fate.

Although, whenever the two of you would go out, you were the one who always ended up paying.

"My love, I don't have any mora."

"Expected. But luckily, I brought some with us."

He was always grateful for having you at his side. When he told you that he was actually the Geo Archon, he expected you to not believe him and find him weird.

But strangely enough, you believed every word he told you

This man has been a puppy following you around ever since. He adores it whenever you hold his hand in public; it always brings a smile to his face.

He also worries about your health constantly. After all, you're mortal.

So when you met with him after his work was completed for a little date in Liyue, his eyes were wide with concern.

"My love, have you not been getting enough sleep at night?"

"Yup! I've been sleeping perfectly fine."

Zhongli was suspicious of that statement.

"Are you positive?"

"I'm 100% positive, Zhongli. Trust me, if I was having issues sleep I would tell you immediately."

"Then why do you have such dark eyebags underneath your eyes?"

"Not really sure. They don't seem to want to go away. I get a solid eight hours every night, too. I guess I'm just stuck with them."

"Do they bother you at all?"

"I mean, the only issue is when people look at me funny because of them. Otherwise, I forget they exist."

Zhongli didn't like that one bit. He didn't mind that you had the eye bags, but what he did mind was that people would give you looks due to them.

"I"ll find something."

"Huh?"

"I'll find something that'll help fix your eyebags. I'd rather not have people giving you looks because of them."

"You don't have to do that! It's perfectly fine."

But Zhongli wasn't listening to a word you were saying.

"I'll find Childe. I'm sure he'd be happy to pay for anything I'll need-"

"Wait!"

#genshin impact #genshin #genshin x reader #genshin headcanons #genshin impact x reader #diluc x reader #albedo x reader #gender neutral reader #anime x reader #headcanons #fluff #eye bags #zhongli x reader #diluc #albedo #zhongli #liyue #mondstadt

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tacit-semantics · 2 years

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Ok so people seemed to like my ocd dirk post (found here) and it’s a perfectly respectable 6:30 in the evening so I don’t have an excuse but I DO have a few more ideas (I’ve been having a go of it lately) so I’m gonna put some here. As a warning, this strays more into headcanon territory than the other one, and probably won’t make sense without the context of that first post. Also, to reiterate: cw for in depth descriptions of compulsive behaviors regarding scrupulosity (moral), violent intrusive thoughts (alluded to, non-graphic), and contamination, as well as mentions of self harm and pica. Moreso than the other post I am going to stress that if you are prone to picking up obsessions or compulsions through reading about them, then I would skip out on this one.

-obligatory disclaimer: I am only an expert on my own experiences. While these headcanons draw from those, there are some key differences (which I will not be disclosing for reasons of personal privacy), and it is important to note that ocd can look very different depending on the person. That said, let’s jump in!

- so for context, a common-ish way for morality compulsions to manifest is in researching what makes a good person vs a bad one. While I don’t think that Dirk’s interest in philosophy started as a compulsion, I definitely think that it- much like everything else- gets roped into it in that he turns to texts that explicitly deal with morality and its limits in a more exclusive and (of course) obsessive way than he might have otherwise. He also strikes me as someone who has a good enough memory to turn these texts over and over in his head even when he can’t outright access them

-this gets upsetting in that it’s a bastardization of something you enjoy by something else that’s dominating your life in an extreme and overtly negative fashion. Lots of very complex, complicated feelings in that visiting these texts/ideas would still serve as a form of relief for him, but it would be in a way that honestly feels a little like mockery. As in, the co-opting of a hobby by a compulsion would inevitably lead to lots of shame in the attempt to engage with that hobby even if you're actually trying to do it for fun, or have done it for fun in the past.

-a difficulty I’ve found in this same vein is that sometimes material that doesn’t trigger you at the time comes back to bite you months later, especially if you’ve got a decent memory for it. In terms of reading as i've mentioned it here, that might be like guilt for having read it in the first place or immediately conflating actions in the text with things that you have done (or in some cases haven’t), just general confusing boundary blur stuff. I can see that being an issue with him too.

-splinters time!! Hal often makes mention often of his existence specifically as a machine in the same way that dirk makes direct reference to himself as ‘a stone cold motherfucker’ (quoting from memory please excuse if I’m a little off). A good chunk of dirks splinters are robots of some sort, and some- like brobot- serve as something that is intended, at least in part, to enact controlled- this is key- violence. Now, keeping in mind that I’m approaching dirk with the hc that he has moral obsessions w/violent intrusive thoughts, and that people who fall under this category are-to sum it up- afraid of losing control, we get:

- my personal favorite set of headcanons, in which dirk develops a fear of strong emotion as it leads to impulse and impulsive people do stupid things. He then immediately connects this fear to physicality because there are some parts of your body that you inevitably cannot control- if you are hungry you might get angry, there are physical effects of stress, the physical effects of guilt, there’s a lot- and so turns to creating these robot versions of himself in an attempt to mitigate and control not only his emotion but also their attached physical responses. In doing so, he attempts to create a version of himself wherein that capacity for both violence and emotion is completely under his control. It’s also important to note that this does not work. Think brobot ripping out his heart- that’s not exactly logical, emotionless behavior, now is it?

- I love this one. It forces him to confront his own humanity, and thus imperfection; as well as the fact that there are some things- on a fundamental level- that you just can’t change. I mean this in the nature/nurture sense, but also in that like. He’s gonna have to breathe. His neurons fire, his neurons misfire, things go right and things go wrong. There’s a lot going on in homestuck in terms of permanence and physicality; sometimes, you just have to accept things as they are, and then of course accept that those same things might someday change. Again, it’s a control thing

-also, i imagine this line of thinking takes place like a solid couple of years after he started exhibiting full-blown symptomatic behavior which is why it’s a completely disordered and What the Fuck way of thinking. I’d like to reiterate: this is a very intense set of feelings that you are sitting with constantly, in one way or another, and in this case dirk is smack in the middle of his developmental years. Trying to navigate identity development is difficult enough; trying to do navigate identity development when you’re doubting everything down to the way your neurons fire off is near impossible. Shit gets weird.

-ok this one’s just straight projection and also not ocd (there is an overlap! Sometimes. Not always.) but. Pica. Also, I have a personal curiosity in regards to how this would be dealt with, as it’s potentially very dangerous for a good number of reasons and again: there’s not much to fall back on here in terms of like medical assistance. There’s the matter of his being god tier of course, but that doesn’t prevent physical damage, and there are plenty possible complications. This is a lot of questions and very few solutions. Sorry about that

-another fun one: it’s common enough for people with ocd to equate thought directly with action. Dirk’s enough of an overachiever that I like to think he starts equating OTHER people’s actions directly with his own. Starts off small enough, like someone he’s close to does something not great (not terrible; just normal human mistakes) and he’s like fuck ok gotta go back through my memories and see if I contributed to that and then this escalated of course and like a year later he’s feeling guilty for things a hypothetical character in a thought experiment he read about two years ago did.

-of course this denies the actual people he’s thinking about their autonomy, or at least in direct relation in regards to how he thinks about them. Right back to the self-fulfilling prophecy

-I made direct mention of this in a semi coherent meta post (found here but like at your own risk) but in canon dirk seems to trust his actions more than anyone else’s, but doubts his motives, which basically just sums up everything. Hm.

-this is some more overt projection, but I was heavily influenced by my having consistent, unrestricted internet access from a very young age, which is to say that while my obsessions did not originate with my gaining access to the internet, it was instrumental in shaping them into what I’ve ended up at now. Dirk’s in a similar situation in terms of the internet, moreso in that he can’t just up and walk away- it’s literally his only connection with humanity. A warped one, granted, because the internet highlights and encourages extremes, which isn't great in this particular context. There’s a lot there, but it’s a… very complex topic that I’ll probably make a third part for if the urge strikes

-to wrap it up: while I sincerely doubt it was intended, there’s a lot to be said about the concept of splintering as exhibited by dirk as an allegory for ocd, as for many people it facilitates an intense separation from the self. There’s you, your thoughts, you-and-your-thoughts (this is different), your actions, your memories, so on, so on. This isn't the only interpretation, of course- I’ve seen lots of other good ones, DID, NPD, BPD, but I am much less qualified to comment on those so I’m just standing off to the side and waving in enthusiastic encouragement- but if nothing else its one that ive found a lot of comfort in and on that I hope other people might to, so. That’s all I’ve got.

-well, as good a place as any. Thanks for reading ocd dirk hour 2: this time it’s personal. Last time it was also personal. If you read the meta I linked to, you will find that that is personal as well. There is a theme here. With any luck, the inevitable ocd dirk hour 3 will feature a celebrity cameo. This will not be personal, but that’s just business.

#being mentally ill on main again :(#hm I think I miss writing essays #please when you read this imagine you’re sitting next to someone at the library and like they’re visibly crying but everyone’s pretending #not to notice. i never actually cried in the library I was much more prone to complete derealization. there was coffee tho!! pretty good too #at one point I entered something or other irrelevant point is the school threw $50 at my sorry ass and lord did we give it right back to #them. i mean it wasn’t even the best coffee on campus but it’s a proximity thing #also coffee in general is pretty hit or miss in terms of taste caffeines never worked on me which I feel cheated about sometimes I’d get an #extra espresso shot because I wanted to see if I could get some sort of placebo effect out of it and I never could #I’m always so tired :(:( I want the easy fix I’ve got things to do!!#lord I forgot the important tags #ughhh I’ve been having so much trouble keeping my thoughts in order lately #dirk strider #homestuck #headcanons #ocd headcanons #ocd dirk #i feel bad I feel very very bad so it’s ocdirk posting hours maybe this’ll fix me #tacit rambles

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fill-me-with-your-memes-daddy · 3 years

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Watching the Rise of the Titans movie and I'll be documenting all of my thoughts/reactions here. [Spoiler Warning]

So instead of reblogging every new update, I'm just going to have this post up on my phone as I watch and type my reactions in a bullet list format.

Nari's human disguise is so cute. As someone who does have a cottagecore aesthetic, I want to cosplay her so bad

Are Skrael and/or Belroc non-binary coded? Regardless, I'm also obsessed and I want to fuck Skrael and be Belroc.

STEVE CARING ABOUT JIM BEING HURT YESSSS!!! My god his redemption has probably been one of the greatest there is because he doesn't just suddenly go from being a bully to a completely good person. You can see the gradual shift in learning better throughout the shows which is awesome.

IN NEW YOOOOOOORRRRRRRK!!!!!! CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!

The mugshot montage reminded me of season 1 of trollhunters when toby and Jim were arrested at the museum.

STRICKLER PUT A RING ON IT??? HE'S THE ONLY DILF IVE EVER ACTUALLY AGREED WAS HOT WYM I CAN'T HAVE HIM??? well I'm still really happy about his arc over the series probably one of my favorite character growths.

Eli my guy got his growth spurt!!! As an 18 year old who is still 5'0", I'm happy but envious for him

So I went into this movie without watching any trailers or promo, but I doubt anything could have prepared me for the existence of mpreg. In fact, I wasn't going to document my reactions until I saw that.

NAMURA!!!!!!!!! MY BELOVED!!!!!! I CAN STILL THIRST FOR YOU WITHOUT GUILT

The coach teacher just called the kids zoomers so I have to dock one point from my final rating just because of that. Unforgivable

Those husky animation models suck lmao

Oh fuck the titans got power ranger zords!!

God why did they include the mpreg??? This movie would have been perfect without it.... After that plot point being revisited only one time I'm already beyond done with it

Like it's bringing me back to the v*ltron days where they're was a suspiciously high amount of klance omegaverse and mpreg fics and art created and it physically hurts because Steve and Keith's voice actor is the same person meaning this is especially cursed to me since I was unfortunately in the v*ltron fandom and remember all of that

But like on another note, how old are these characters again??? I haven't checked any wikis because of spoilers but is Steve an adult??? I know aja might be technically a lot older than 18 because alien but is whatever age she is equivalent to an adult as far as emotionally and physically in Akaridion development??? IS THIS A TEEN (M)PREGNANCY IN A KIDS SHOW????

Like bruh I saw a singular post on here before going into the movie that was like "rott spoilers without context" and there was a pregnant belly but I was absolutely not expecting the actual context of it. I'll find the post after I finish and edit this post to tag the creator right here: @makoden

This entire post is just gonna be me ranting about mpreg huh

Anyway I love the whole roundtable allusion to the legends of king arthur (not the toa version but the one he's based off)

THERE'S 3 TO 5 BABIES????? I need to take a break bruh this is just too much

Alright I've taken a 30 minute break got some food and did some things i love (decompressed by tactile stimming with some owl plushies and watched some videos on my favorite owl, Garu. He lives in Japan with his owner and is a domesticated eagle owl who basically just acts like a sky cat. If anyone else needs some eye bleach, here is their YouTube channel)

Blinky and ARRRGHHH!!! saying their "if one of us doesn't make it" talk my god one of them is going to die I can see it and I will be utterly crushed. Jim can't lose another father figure and Toby can't lose his wingman again I will riot if this happens

On a similar but unrelated to the movie note, can we just talk about how toa started with Jim having 0 dads and (if strickler and blinky live to the end) will end with 2 dads? Like I just really feel happy for him that he has two dads who actually figured out how to put the past behind them to not have any infighting between them so that both of them are healthy father figures. Jim has already been through literal hell and back losing his actual humanity in the process so if he loses one of them, I'm going to be really pissed because at this point, this is just Jim torture porn. Y'all know how as SpongeBob SquarePants went on, the show just became Squidward torture porn? It's starting to feel that way for toa and I really hope they cut the shit by the ending

Jlaire is such a good ship but like I feel like it's too perfect they never disagree with each other

YESSSSSSS Someone finally doesn't treat toby like a fat waste of space who messes stuff up!!! I think out of all the characters that would have been most deserving of a rewrite, it's Toby. Sometimes I just feel he's only comic relief and any heartfelt moments he's had in the series was also born of stupidity (ie his flour baby project being unharmed was seen by him as divine intervention from his parents but was actually just Eli and Steve behind the scenes).

Ohhhhh yesssssss Archie's father!!! I was hoping I'd see him again because we got so little of him last

Ooooooooooh Asian trollmarket!!!!!

Oh never mind slavery trollmarket

Bruh titanic camelot

I feel like we're not seeing enough of the villains because I completely forgot about the power ranger zord things

NAMORA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY LAST CRUSHHHH

STRICKLER NO NOT YOU TOO PLEASE

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE ONLY TWO CHARACTERS I SIMP FOR ON THIS SHOW DIED WITHIN FIVE MINUTES OF EACH OTHER

THAT WHOLE ASS RANT I WROTE IS COMING TRUE FUCK THIS MOVIE THIS SERIES IS JUST JIM TORTURE PORN

WAIT JIM'S SPERM DONOR INFO?

Oh thank God I don't want to know anything about that person

For the record, I call that man Jim's sperm donor because he has no business being called a father to him. All he did was donate some swimmers to the creation of him and give him abandonment issues

Oh another blind troll elder???? This fucker is just if vendel was a bad guy

Bruh I was grieving

PACIFIC RIM WITH GUN ROBOT VEX AND THE BELROCZORD? I've never seen that movie but I know the reference

Bruh Blinky doesn't read horoscopes? Does he realize conspiracy theories are just the manly version of horoscopes?

NO DON'T KILL VEX STOP KO-ING FOUND FAMILY MEMBERS

Oh thank God he's okay

NO NOT ARCHIE AND CHARLEMAGNE OH MY GOD

oh never mind they're just gonna coup de tat I believe in them :))

But I want to see him again

But I'm glad to see vex

Yay they're in arcadia!

But yeah I wondered why the trolls and Merlin didn't keep the whole "daylight doesn't hurt trolls" feature from the eternal night but now Guillermo del Toro I see you were playing the long con in that just to kill my girl Namora :(((

Oooooh I love the animation of the Narizord over Chihuahua!! It looks very good and realistic (if only they could have put some of that into those huskies from before smh)

Bruh the character designs of the arcane order are so good I want to be them

Nari making sure the Skraelzord doesn't crush the bus

DAMN DOUBLE HOMICIDE

Bruh I'm just glad we finally have an answer on why arcadia had everything going on as opposed to literally anywhere else!! I always found that as a weird coincidence for plot convince.

BRUH WERE BACK TO THE MPREG IM SO JEALOUS I FORGOT ABOUT THAT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS GRIEVING THE LOSS OF MY LOVELIES.

Oh that's real convenient that the ninth configuration meant all of them. Way to not decide which character gets more attention. Though it probably was a smart way to not have any infighting in the fandom between each character's stan group.

Bruh I just realized where is Barbera did they just ditch her on the Camelot ship???

And where are the other trolls that migrated at the end of trollhunters s3? They said something about new jersey but obviously Jim and the other main characters got on Camelot instead.... This feels like a plot hole

And we never learned the process of how changelings are made and bonded to humans and stuff. We just know it's super painful but I'm curious ffs!!!!

THE DONT THINK BECOME HERO SPEECH ALL SAID TOGETHER!!!

BRUH THEY REALLY HAD TO SHOW HIM GIVING BIRTH??????? WAS THAT AN ABSOLUTE MUST??????

Plus the main audience for this series is little children (the rating for the movie is literally TV-Y7) so even though my adult ass is not in the target audience, I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND WHY WOULD MPREG AND ANAL BIRTH WOULD BE AN IMPORTANT THING TO 7 YEAR OLDS???? THIS IS A LITERAL FETISH HIDDEN IN KIDS CONTENT ITS ELSAGATE ALL OVER AGAIN Y'ALL 😭😭😭😭😭

Though it's probably hypocritical of me to think fetishes don't belong in kids tv when I've openly admitted to thirsting for strickler and namora

HUZZAH

NEW AMULET WAZ GOOD????

STAB THAT BITCH JIM

WAIT NO I SAID STAB NOT GET STABBED

Alright good job just missed the directions at first but you fixed it

SEVEN KIDS?????????

T O B Y ????????????

W A I T NO

N O

IS HE ACTUALLY

OH MY GOD THERE'S HOPE

NO THERE ISN'T

F U C K THIS SHIT THEY REALLY JUST HAD HIM TO BE BULLIED THEN KILLED

Y'ALL IM ACTUALLY CRYING THIS NEVER HAPPENS

I NEVER ACTUALLY GET SO EMOTIONAL OVER MEDIA THAT I CRY IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE AT THE END OF VOLTRON BUT AHHHHHHHH

W A I T

HE'S GONNA BE BROUGHT BACK?????

HOLD UP THEY'RE JUST GONNA BRING ALL THOSE DEAD PEOPLE BACK??????

WAIT IS HE

BLINKY CALLED HIM A SON

HOLD ON IS THIS GOING TO BE A CLIFFHANGER???????????

BRUH THEY REALLY JUST CAN'T END THE SERIES WITHOUT CLIFFHANGERS like there's always an open ending

TROLLHUNTER TOBY????? You know what forget the whole rants I had on how toby was written they just redeemed it all

And that's all! I'd rate it a 6.5/10 because it's definitely the weakest of all the sequels but still had amazing animation and some good plot points. It's just really hard to look over the bad stuff enough to rate it any higher.

#tales of arcadia #rise of the titans #trollhunters #rott #rise of the titans spoilers #rott spoilers #toa #3 below #athena's own original post!#jim lake jr #claire nuñez #toby domzalski

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olderthannetfic · 3 years

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Viet anon here, that makes sense! I just think the way some (mostly American) fans seem to approach shows with this sort of grim determination to make sure there’s enough different kinds of people in it is strange and a little disturbing. It’s like you said, it’s like there’s no enjoyment for some people, just an obligation like your job. If you don’t like things don’t force yourself into it, even if it’s “good for you/diverse.” Sorry if this isn’t very clear, I’m very tired. But I completely understand what you’re saying.

Yeah. I don't like that energy either. It unintentionally implies that nonwhite characters aren't interesting enough for anyone to like them better than white characters without it being about guilt and duty, which is nonsense.

The real issue underlying a lot of US-flavor discourse is that media treats minorities poorly. Not nonwhite people. Minorities. China is garbage at portraying their ethnic minorities. So is Japan. I presume most countries are. Thai media is about pale, rich ethnic Thais in the capital much of the time, not some highland Akha person or whatever. IDEK who the ethnic minorities in Vietnam are, but I'm sure similar things happen.

In the US, "minority" and "nonwhite" line up more, so that distinction gets elided, and then people are annoyingly shocked at Americans liking Asian media and/or think it's only about colorism and the love of light skin or that white Americans somehow read Asian characters as white.

The reason it's important to understand that this is about minority status is that if US people want to fix our own media, we need to be aware of precisely what it's doing, which goes a lot deeper than just not casting enough people of category X or Y. For example, we often cast quite light-skinned, and even when we have a dark skinned actor, we don't always light them appropriately. It's important to get enough light on the face because those big, pretty 'single perfect tear' woobie shots are how we connect with characters and especially how we see them as vulnerable, delicate, sensitive, etc. We need to see subtle emotions on a character's face.

Most training on how to light presupposes a very light-skinned subject. The racism goes all the way down to basic tutorials and education. It's also quite possible to write and cast a character who sounds fine on paper, but then we stick the actor behind other actors in the scene, we fail to shoot a closeup for them, and we fail to cut to any closeup that does exist at key emotional moments. It's like they almost don't exist in the final product. These filmmaking elements can ruin the audience's interest even when the script is fine.

There are certainly cases where the character was portrayed fine, even in the subtler parts of the filmmaking, and fandom just failed to care, but far more often, the real problems are starting from canon, and fandom is just responding to the unspoken cues. I see way too many hot takes that base an analysis of a character from a writing perspective: They were cool on paper, so why don't you find them cool? But that's not where 99% of impressions come from in film.

We over-emphasize words because they're easier for most of us to analyze because 1. they're inherently verbal and 2. way more of us have been educated about them. The lack of cheap/free and accessible educational resources about the other parts of film is shameful. (And one of my pet rant topics, obviously.)

This is why white US fans who won't look twice at an Asian-American character fall in love with cdramas. It's not about them not finding Asians interesting or hot: it's about how the actual artistic craft that went into the media differed.

It can also be about which types of roles are given to whom. I like the supportive best friend character much more than the hot mess they're supporting. In US media, this means I often like nonwhite characters. But if I preferred the hot mess, as a lot of fandom and humanity in general does, I'd be going for white characters every time, even in casts that are quite diverse. Not so in cdramas where everyone is Asian including all of the character types from pillar of moral rectitude to badtouch villain to doomed little brother to beautiful disaster. (It's no accident I like Wen Ning and also Rico from Miami Vice. It's no accident most people prefer WWX and Sonny.)

Understanding what's going on on a craft level is so important if one wants to analyze how audiences are reacting and why.

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nabrizoya · 3 years

Text

RoW Theories and Things I Want to See

with RoW literally a few weeks away, here’s some theories your way.

this is Really long. like, really very long; mind you.

Nikolai might become a disabled character.

It’s just the vibes. If we can take reference from the Too Clever Fox story, there’s a line that says “...and his [Koja’s] fur never quite sat right the same...”, which might hint at it (mostly bc i don’t want him to die). Also if this is indeed possible, it can be used to address ableism if it exists in this universe, especially since Nikolai is someone in the highest position of power.

Zoya will experiment the shit out of powers.

Idk why the synopsis says that using her powers might be a great deal, which tbf will be because she is truly the most most powerful atm; but Zoya wouldn’t mind taking the step outside of the old norms and bend the orders until they serve their purpose. That’s the entire goal rly.

But all along, she will consciously keep herself mindful to not hunger or discharge her power in a way that may cause harm. She knows the tyranny of the Darkling and the ways he employed. She knows better.

More character depth to Zoya.

Given the excerpts, the book does seem to explore Zoya’s infinite grief. And of course her Suli heritage, which a great part of the fandom consistently wants to shadow what with the talk “white features/ part Ravkan” bs.

But there’s more. I hope RoW will show Zoya’s dilemma (that was alr hinted in KoS) she has with the power she holds, the responsibility she has with having that power + using it in the way that will not be detrimental to her and the country. It will be a great way to portray her self-awareness and doubt and insecurity. She is a good leader, that much is told in text but not shown. There’s character development from the end of R&R until KoS that makes her evolve from a what she was then to the capable and mature 22 year old she is in KoS.

Of course all of their capabilities will come to light in RoW but I think Zoya and the agency to her as a character will play an integral part. More so because Zoya is to be the conduit to reversing the current Grisha orders, which runs in parallel with the fact that she needs to go back, go back to the roots of her Grisha knowledge and roots of her i.e. her unending grief and trauma.

She will need to forgive herself while also dealing with the guilt and anger she may have caused due to her position and power. All of this while dealing with her own complex and contrasting emotions due to her own trauma.

Nikolai is held for treason.

The word of allying with The Darkling may be out and that is enough reason for the entire country to turn against him. The secret about the monster causes issues more than enough already, and this will plunge the country into deep political turmoil and threats to security. So RoW will be more politically driven. That said...

There’s no overt war.

By this I mean that there will not be war on the battlefield, both armies or more charging at each others’ enemies and such. Ravka cannot afford one either. The excerpts have already proved that. There will be skirmishes akin to a war scenario, but a complete battle like the last battle in R&R? Like a final battle? That’s not going to be there, I think… What I’m assuming might happen is that the Fjerda and Ravka will take a possible Cold War route, if it isn’t already the case they’re already dealing with atm.

Ravka’s monarchy will collapse.

It may become a democracy or any other form of public or majority vote. But the monarchy (as well a possible dictatorship, esp with the Darkling returned) will be eliminated. ...Or so I hope, since it has been alluded to in KoS.

But that poses many problems. With no one line for the throne, let alone with a crime so dark like a blot on Nikolai’s skill (of taking the Darkling’s help), it is possible that Ravka will shun it, right alongside being torn about it because Nikolai has been, for the best of his ability, a good King. All of this in line with the Resistance rising in West Ravka.

This ties in with the court matters, especially if I want to hold the further points I make true. The resolution to acquit Nikolai of his charges requires a testification forth a jury which will then make a decision about his motives and future.

Zoya as the Interim Head.

After all of this, Zoya’s point about Ravka not accepting a Grisha Queen will be true after all, because there will be no monarchy to welcome such an arrangement.

But Ravka will need a good and trustworthy leader despite Grisha powers and Zoya is the best person to take care of that. The comment “...becoming a steady leader...” and the “Welcome home, Commander,” were there in KoS for a reason (and this is what I think it will link to).

That being said, there’s more nuance to this than my summary. Zoya is a character of colour. That—in addition to the already existing threats, objections and possible question of capability in the position—ill play into how she will be able to discharge her responsibility. It’s not going to be convenient.

EDIT: taken from a reblog/addition to the og post:

A smoother/more structured transition

Once after the monarchy collapses and a leader must be chosen, it will not be Nikolai. Nor will it be Zoya, though she might serve as an interim head. What I assume might be possible is that someone older is chosen, someone older and loyal and with the proof of knowledge and service to the country. Possibly by majority vote or elected by a council.

Instead of the sudden change, this can be a smoother (if that can even be said about such a major political scenario change) or more structured. I also say this because a. if Nikolai is indeed charged (and later acquitted), firstly his political career will already hold a blot if the word about using the Darkling as a resource is out and secondly, he’s way too young to serve as the leader (by modern standards, sure, but like, the required age will be set while drafting the constitution? currently its 35+).

Instead, the current cast can become representatives (which Zoya would already be, (mostly the head of the) international committee that safeguards the Grisha all over the world) and the Triumvirate will be dissolved. (it should be, tbh)

And hey, b. after all of this, they can and kind of need to take a step back. Nikolai and Zoya will be able to truly explore their relationship, given how Nikolai mentions how he wouldn’t marry unless he’d have had the chance to court someone and marry someone he barely knows nor knows him. For Zoya’s part, she does know Nikolai but surely probably not the extent of openness that a healthy relationship has, and on Nikolai’s part, he admits he barely knows her beyond as a General except for just little things about her.

They could be able to realize and work on their feelings while alongside being involved with the workings of the country and the constitution.

“One day you will overstep and I will not be so forgiving.”

Need I say more? Something that Zoya does will cost her Nikolai’s goodwill and we know Zoya knows her practicality and the extent to which she will unapologetically move if there is threat to the country and its King. She will do what was right and required.

A major part of that line ties in with Magnus Opjer and I think with the confidence in the versatility of her powers, Zoya might as well move w/o any word to the Triumvirate to eliminate the most direct threat to the throne. This will bring splits in Nikolai and Zoya’s relationship.

How this tension between them will be resolved without compromising either of their values, without playing into fandom stereotypes and others must be carefully handled. All of this while showing the best of their dynamicity, practicality and priority as they carefully pull out just those weak sticks of the jenga without putting the whole country into trouble. And with a war in plain sight, they’d know better than pointlessly argue and would rather see how the two of them are wrong. This ordeal will bring out just how condensed power is in the current scenario, imo.

Importance on the way women have shaped history.

Something that KoS has already set precedence for. Zoya being a PoC, Nina taking into account of the sufferings of women she comes across and the consistent ‘Who will remember them?’ will be elaborated on further. As for how it is done and how well it is done, that remains to be seen.

Baghra is alive but maybe not thriving bc she’s stuck in the Ice Court.

They entered a chamber where an old woman sat with her hands chained, flanked by guards. Her eyes were vacant. As each prisoner approached, the woman gripped his or her wrist.

A human amplifier. [...] But the Fjerdans used them for a different purpose – to make sure no Grisha breached their walls without being identified.

Kaz watched Nina approach. He could see her trembling as she held out her arm. The woman clamped her fingers around Nina’s wrist. Her eyelids stuttered briefly. Then she dropped Nina’s hand and waved her along.

Had she known and not cared? Or had the paraffin they’d used to encase Nina’s forearms worked?

- Chapter 22. Kaz; Part 4: Trick to Falling, Six of Crows.

Nina will be the one to free her and together they might wage a war from Djerholm together.

This gets even more interesting because we know the anguish and scorn that Baghra feels for her son at the same time; she understands the wrongness that he used to seek and will continue to. Zoya does take Baghra’s name at the Fold when she mourns and rages over how people forget the destruction and most importantly, forget the women. Baghra could be the symbol of the stag as the art piece depicts, or will be shown with relation to the Darkling’s powers.

As for how she will play into the story, perhaps she will be the one to help reverse and find the roots of the orders, in the sense that changes the perception of the Grisha powers for the Grisha as well as the common folk of Ravka. She is the only other person other than Juris and the Darkling to have the age of eras together, knowing Ilya Morozova, and she will be instrumental in giving Ravka an advantage over Fjerda. Either that or she will help in scrubbing the prejudices of Fjerda slowly away with whatever powers she has left. Or both.

Alina will reappear, but will not contribute to the plot significantly.

Zoya understands that the truth she knows about the Darkling is very minimal not enough to end him for once and for all. It makes sense that she will probably consult Alina for it. So, Malina appearance, possibly at the orphanage. Alina will not directly contribute to this war, but she will play a critical role in defeating the Darkling.

Besides, Alina —and Baghra— are the only ones who know that there has only ever been two Darklings. Zoya did sense, multiple times during KoS, that the Darkling is damn old. Yuri mentions it. And while it is not outright specified, the fact that Zoya thinks that she realizes just how ancient Lizabetha is in context of meeting the Darkling is enough proof for her to seek more information about the age and the older skill of the Darkling.

And I think it goes without saying that I want to hope that the Darkling and Alina will not meet. Pls, she’s had enough.

Lada is the lost, other friend that Zoya refuses to bury.

“She saw her mentor die and her worst enemy resurrected, and she refuses to bury another friend.”

Liliyana is dead, we know. But there’s no other mention of Lada except for the “wondering what happened to the pug faced girl.” Lada is possibly a part of the group of women and a Grisha returning to Ravka from Fjerda, exploited by the parem. She might die being unable to withhold the sheer torment of the parem induction, which will devastate Zoya because Lada was also the closest she’s had to a family with Liliyana.

Either that or Lada is already dead or dies some other way, and Zoya cannot bring herself bear the grief of losing her.

Cameos: Inej and Jesper.

The most likely of the crows to appear in RoW are Inej and Jesper and they’ll play equally important roles in the plotline. Here’s a breakdown of why:

Inej

Inej has taken the responsibility of becoming a slave hunter, and it makes sense for Inej to make an appearance in the book, given that there’s going to be a ship taking the Grisha from Fjerda to Ravka.

The women aboard are vulnerable and require immediate attention, which Inej will immediately zero in on. She will have enough reason to suspect both Leoni and Adrik on the ship, especially when the jurda parem is still a secret. Leoni and Adrik cannot give that information away because they don’t trust Inej (and have no reason to either). Inej won’t trust them either, not until she understands that the reason why the women are being taken to Ravka and for what reasons.

Which gives her excellent reason to step in, try to analyze the situation and help the women accordingly.

Here’s an exciting thought though. Once after the entire misunderstanding is overcome and Inej understands (esp. if Nina is brought into the conversation and security and secrecy of the conversation is ensured), there may be discussion about how the Grisha might find a safer space in Ravka.

Inej’s appearance might also extend to playing a pivotal role in giving Zoya the confidence to seek her heritage and where she hails from, to embrace the part of her past and forgive herself and others for her mistakes.

ALSO,

Grisha finding a safer space in Ravka will mean that Inej can pitch Jesper’s case for him to Zoya. Being the highest authority who takes cares of the responsibilities of the Grisha, Zoya will be the best person to talk about this with.

And so, here comes Jesper.

Jesper

For one, I wish Jesper and Leoni interact, talk and just bond like the iconic siblings they would be. <3 But more than that, Jesper plays very integral to the plot for more reasons.

Jesper’s arc will parallel Zoya’s. Both of them are new to their powers in their own individual sense; Zoya is trying to use her new powers in a way that hasn’t been done before, thereby breaking the Grisha orders of powers and Jesper (assuming he has decided that he might want to learn and embrace his Grisha powers) is learning them afresh.

This journey of them trying to embrace, learn and relearn and reject older norms and experiment really work in tandem.

That will lead us to a further (plot) theories.

Ties with Novyi Zem

As of the KoS end, Ravka has no support from anyone atm. Sure the Kerch will provide funds but Ravka has no real allies. Here’s where Novyi Zem and Jesper come in.

We know Novyi Zem is a new country and also that it is the second safest country for the Grisha in the universe. As of KoS, their agreements are not renewed and they would be since between Kerch and Novyi Zem, Ravka was forced to pick Kerch. Yet Ravka needs their help in acquiring jurda for the antidote.

So here’s the deal: Ravka will get their jurda but at many conditions that the Novyi Zem will impose on Ravka to not let exploitation get in the way.

The conditions imposed could be (these are just some at the top of my head but I hope there are more to ensure the safety and security of the Zemeni, in Novyi Zem and in Ravka too) :

Naval support from Ravka

We know of the Zemeni ships and ofc Nikolai has been hard at work trying to develop plans to use the sea to its fullest advantage. While the news of the izmars’ya isn’t public, Zemeni can place a condition for technical aid from Ravka since Ravka does have the technical knowledge it can dispatch as a condition.

A Grisha School in Novyi Zem

Think about it. Ravka, despite being the safest place for the Grisha, still isn’t entirely safe. Not all Grisha become soldiers in Ravka, they have a choice to abstain but those who are training are still recruited a honed for purpose alike preparing for war, especially the teens and preteens from the time of the Civil War. The training does take a lot of time. Ravka intends to make a home first and then service, but at the moment, while the Grisha are provided safety, it’s not assured in the best sense. Both the facts about a home and service are in precarious positions atm.

TL;DR: Ravka isn’t entirely safe for Grisha therefore the Grisha themselves too are not + Ravka is war torn.

So what happens?

One of the conditions as the next best country that serves as home to the Grisha, Novyi Zem may put forth the prospect of building a Little Palace like institution for the Grisha in Novyi Zem. It sounds morally wrong in the sense that the Grisha there will also be trained for war, but the war will end and soon, the Grisha will not be subject to serve for something but engage in economic activities as anybody else with the progression of time.

All of this won’t happen immediately either; learning their powers, honing it in the way that is unocnventional from what it had been pre-RoW and that transition + the building of the establishment in Novyi Zem and laying foundation for the transnational panel or committee for Grisha that Zoya talks about will all take so much time.

A few Grisha representatives from Novyi Zem can learn at the Little Palace and by the time the construction of the institution is done in Novyi Zem, these Grisha, along with other willing Grisha who either want to return to the country they were born in (like Leoni) or are offered to teach in a different country can do so too.

There will be stricter terms so as to not ensure exploitation and possible colonization in these nations.

Zoya mentions in one of her chapters that eventually there will be a need for the a transnational panel or committee for Grisha. Jesper can Zoya can make it possible, adding in other countries to the panel slowly as the war recedes.

Kaz and Wylan?

Least likely to make an appearance, in my opinion. I think they’ll be mentioned plenty of times or brought up once and given great importance for how they can help in the side plot.

Shu Support:

This is more a hope than an actually theory dfbkdhjadfh but Makhi might have to step down from the throne because Ehri will take the place; either as a Queen (no...) or she might oversee the process of strengthening Shu Han and finding a leader (if she doesn’t want to become one herself).

Ehri is capable, more than capable despite the little we know of her from the last chapter in KoS. All I hope is for an understanding and friendship between Nikolai and Ehri (and the subsequent cancelling of the marriage duH) for this to happen. She has little interest in statecraft but with the time she might spend with Nikolai, she might change her views. Even if not then she still gets the happy ending she deserves with Mayu (which is canon at this point rly).

Emotional Development or Breakdowns

Okay but I really, really, really hope we get to see all the three protagonists lose their shit and deal with their trauma, seek help or trying to stop isolating themselves or anything else they do to cope? Nina, Zoya and Nikolai, all of them cry, all of them get to completely lose it, let themselves be human and healthily cope and learn to rely on the people they trust the most. Like the sheer power and potential to show the myriad of ways to deal with grief, sadness, stress and more and make use of the trio’s backgrounds to show healthy and diverse ways of helping themselves, by letting themselves and others help them is just *combusts* Incredible!

That being said, can I also ask for moments of fear and desolation from the side characters too? Impending war isn’t small business, it will take its toll on people, and all these reactions just cement their fears and what they value the most so. pls. Humanizing them rly.

The Saving Each Other

As much as I mostly kinda hate this trope, there are traces in the KoS that Zoya might be the one to end Nikolai’s affliction. On the other hand, there is talk of Nikolai helping Zoya control her powers which seems counterintuitive when you consider that Zoya knows that there is a line that she must never cross and that she is very, very careful about it and will continue to be.

They can instead be the ones who motivate each other in times of distress as they always do (as shown with how Nikolai tries to gain control over his monster during the burning thorn ritual in KoS, allowing himself the vulnerability but also knowing that giving up will be unforgivable to both himself and Zoya as well) but I seriously do not wish for each other to be the ones directly ending one another's misery. Or perhaps this is just a fear imo that Leigh wouldn’t even take the route of (in which case, thank fuck).

Stab Stab Stab

Zoya gets the chance to kill the Darkling with the rest of her friends. After all, Darkling does call them all his old friends. Just Julius Caeser him all the way and put a bow tie on the book. *chef’s kiss* Everybody deserves a second chance... at ending a tyrant when it fails the first time.

So far, this is it. Rule of Wolves is in less than a few weeks and im- asdfghjkl. not Ready. i’m more Worried than Ready.

216 notes · View notes

inevitably-johnlocked · 3 years

Note

Hi Steph! Would you happen to have any fic recs that involve John meeting the Holmes family? I always think that's such an interesting dynamic to see! Also, I think this goes without saying but I love your blog and appreciate your contributions to the fandom! Thanks!

Hey Nonny!

Ah, thank you! I’m glad you enjoy my blog!

Oooo! Yes, I love that dynamic too!! ANNNNND!!! You’re giving me the chance to make a part 2 for a REALLY OLD LIST!!! So YAY!!! I found a bunch on a text doc I haven’t posted yet, so HERE WE GO! Hope you enjoy, and as always, everyone please add your own!

PARENTS AND FAMILIES Pt. 2

See also:

Parents & Family

Meeting the Family With a Fake Relationship

Do You Love Me? by whitchry9 (K, 641 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Family, Epic Bromance) – John asks Sherlock perhaps the most important question.

Once Upon A Time by ProfessorSquirrell (T, 908 w., 1 Ch. || Family, Snippets of Life, Romance, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Implied Drug Use, Angst with Happy Ending) – There is a room in Sherlock's mind palace where nothing gets deleted. And it looks like this...

Crisis Averted by Spartangal22 (T, 2,188 w., 1 Ch. || HLV Fic, Missing Scene After Confronting Mary, Canon Compliant, Sherlock Whump / Mary Shot Sherlock, Family / Friendship, Hospitalization, Sherlock POV, Holmes Brothers) – Lying in the hospital, Sherlock receives some surprising visitors, and manages to deal with two problems he's been having lately. A missing scene from HLV about a formal introduction that was never made and a visit that was never shown.

The Only Available Transportation by blueink3 (T, 5,379 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Fluff and Angst, Insecure Sherlock, Caring John, Parentlock, Sherlock’s Birthday, Family, Misunderstandings) – It’s possibly the desperation that’s seeped into his voice despite his best intentions, or perhaps it’s just a mother’s intuition, but she knows that whatever he’s calling about is Serious, hangover be damned. “What’s happened?” she asks, tone soft and as comforting as a hot cup of tea on a cold winter’s night. “Mummy,” he begins, voice catching. “I think John may be moving out.”

On the Steadfast Approach of an Oncoming Darkness by 2bee (T, 7,772 w., 1 Ch. || Apocalypse, Minor Character Death, Sort of Parentlock) – The world is ending. Not fast, but slowly, like falling asleep with a fever.

The Name Game by ItsClydeBitches221B (K, 8,958 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Family, Platonics / Friendship, Sort-of Parentlock, John/Mary, Mary is Nice, Five and Ones, Baby Watson, Mycroft Loves Baby Watson) – The names that baby girl Watson comes up with for her extended family. Or: how everyone—Watsons, Holmes, and others alike— just learned to give up and embrace their weirdness.

The Burning of the Leaves by blueink3 (M, 15,915 w., 3 Ch. || Post S4, Angst, Reichenbach, Parentlock, Past Jolto, Idiot John, Sherlock’s a Mess, Puppies, Fluff, Possessive / Jealous Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock POV, Matchmaker Sholto, Melancholic Feelings, Emotional Sherlock, Domesticity, Love Confessions in the Rain, Kissing in the Rain, Pet Names) – After the events of series 4, Major Sholto invites John and Sherlock to lunch one day. It nearly proves to be too much for their tenuous relationship as the past haunts the present, putting the future that Sherlock so desperately wants at risk.

Permanent Fixture by vitruvianwatson (E, 18,836 w., 9 Ch. || Post-S4, Parentlock, Slow Build, Friends to Lovers, They’re Good Parents, Blushing Sherlock, First Kiss/Time, Explicit Consent, Sexual Content, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Big Feelings, Crying, First Kiss, Fluff, Anxious Sherlock, Inexperienced Sherlock, Emotional Communication, Love Confessions) – Now, as Rosie sat curled up against Sherlock’s side, John watched and wondered exactly how he had ended up here. Domesticity had never suited him before, not at any point in his life. His disastrous marriage had been proof of that. But somehow, here in the warmth and safety of 221B Baker Street, here with Sherlock Holmes reading medical jargon to his daughter, Sherlock’s bony feet nudging against his leg, John couldn’t imagine anyplace that would make him happier.

Dropping the Act by jadztone (T, 27,258 w., 10 Ch. || Parentlock, Fake Relationship, Mary’s Family, Post-S4, Cuddling & Snuggling, Bed Sharing, Pining, Christmas) – Sherlock and John are quite happy living together with Rosie in Baker St. They might be even happier if they didn’t act towards each other like their love is only platonic. Mycroft brings troubling news in the form of Mary’s parents wanting to know just what their grandchild’s home life is like. The boys decide to spend Christmas pretending like they are in love in order to seem more like a "normal" family. It's easy enough to pretend when all you're doing is dropping the act.

An Acquired Taste by kinklock (E, 31,059 w., 4 Ch. || Vampires AU || Vampire Sherlock, Misunderstandings, Bat!Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Humour, Magical Realism, Fluff and Angst, Blood Drinking, Holmes Family, Slow Burn) – At Montague Street when Sherlock was forced to sate his body’s needs, he was at least able to wander about the flat as much as he pleased. At Baker Street, it was mini-bags in a mini-fridge and bedroom confinement.

Chaperones by MissDavis (T, 34,114 w., 7 Ch. || 11 Years Post-S4, Fake Relationship, Parentlock, Disney World, Bed / Room Sharing, Friends to Lovers, Fluff, First Kiss, Obsessive Sherlock, Insecure John) – Right. Of course. Everyone assumed they were a couple and no one would question it. John put his elbows up on the table so he could rest his head in his hands. "You want to pretend to be a couple so we can chaperone a trip to Disney World with Rosie's class and you won't have to share a room with a stranger?" "Exactly." Sherlock beamed at him. "Don't worry about the cost. The Birmingham case last month paid more than enough to cover expenses for all three of us."

Where The Ghosts Have Voices by HappyJuicyfruit (M, 37,691 w., 12 Ch. || Supernatural AU || Ghosts, Magical Realism, Light Horror, Fluff and Smut, John Can See Ghosts, John Whump, Emotional Manipulation, Dark Magic, Coma, Injury Recovery, Blow Jobs, Anal, Happy Ending, John’s Past, Mr Holmes, Powerful John, Holmes Brothers, Sherlock’s Past, Past Viclock, Drug Abuse, Hair Pulling) – John has lived his whole life as an outcast. It is only when he meets Sherlock, that be realizes being a freak might not be such a bad thing, and that the curse he has lived with his whole life may be a gift after all. (TO READ)

Anchor Point by trickybonmot (E, 49,856 w., 80 Ch. || Truman Show AU || Psychological Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Dark Characters / Fic, Alternating First/Third Person, Protective John, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Tender Moments, Love Confessions, Hand/Blow Jobs, Cuddling, Jealous John, First Kiss/Time) – The world tunes in nightly for Sherlock, the ultimate in reality TV: Sherlock Holmes, a real person with a legendary name, unknowingly lives out his life in a staged setting contrived by his brother. Things get complicated when a retired army doctor joins the show to play the part of Sherlock's closest friend. This fic borrows its concept from the 1998 film, the Truman Show. However, you don't need to have any knowledge of the movie to enjoy this story.

The Hollow Woman by ScopesMonkey (M, 51,335 w., 22 Ch. || Post-TRF, Major Character Death, Mystery, Romance, Friendship, Family, Angst, Crime, Reunion, First Kiss / Time, Nightmares, Doctor John, Jealous Sherlock, Jealous John, BAMF John, Angry John, Dub-Con, Rough Sex, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Villain Mary, Open Ending) – Forced to return to London sooner than expected, Sherlock falls into a case too close to home. Part 1 of the Hollowverse series

Repairing the Broken Things by BakerTumblings (M, 75,252 w., 15 Ch. || S4 Compliant, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Trauma, Hospitals, Big Brother Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Realizations, Severe Accident, John Whump, Pneumonia, Medical Procedures, Bed Sharing, First Time, Healing, Happy Ending) – "I'm calling today to notify you that there's been an accident."

Points by lifeonmars (E, 53,791 w., 42 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || HLV Rewrite / Canon Divergence, Married Life, Pregnancy / Baby Watson, Drinking to Cope, Boxing / Fisticuffs, Clueless John, Angst, Minor Medical Drama, Tattoos, Christmas, First Kiss/Time, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Doctor John, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Case Fic, Drugging, Blow/Hand Job, Emotional Love Making, Parenthood, Passage of Time) – What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other.

The Monument of Memory by J_Baillier (M, 79,663 w., 14 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It Fic / S4 is Canon, Angst, Family Drama, Guilt, Case Fic, John Loves Sherlock, Complicated Feelings, Mentalism / Hypnosis, Murder, Grieving John, Sherlock is a Bit Not Good, Team Work, Trust Issues, BAMF John, Psychological Trauma, Protective John, Autistic-Spectrum Sherlock, Parentlock, John POV) – A genius traumatised by a past he's only beginning to recall. The psychopath sister that time forgot. A missing woman and a mentalist who may or may not be a murderer. And, in the middle of it all, stands John Watson.

Kintsukuroi by sussexbound (E, 91,823 w., 20 Ch. || S4 Compliant / Post-TLD, Grief / Mourning, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Therapy, Past Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Suicidal Ideation, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Sexting, Frottage, Inexperienced Sherlock, Rimming / Anal / BJ’s, Emotional Turmoil, Finding Each Other) – “I love you.” Sherlock sees the words hit John with almost physical force. He reels back a little, jaw twitching and eyes filling. “I love you,” he repeats, a little softer, a little more gentle, as earnest as he possibly can. Because they’ve been teetering on the brink of this thing for years, and it had become painfully obvious over the last few months that they were at a tipping point. This had to happen. Now it has. Now they can see where they end up. The tears in John’s eyes spill over, and he wipes at them angrily. “Do you even know what that means?”

The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Asexual Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Flashbacks, Bullying, 1980′s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Case Fic, Sherlock’s Past, Awkward Conversations, Anxious Sherlock) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series

The Wedding Garments by cwb (E, 105,390 w., 36 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Alternate Future AU || Alternate First Meeting, Dating / Arranged Marriages, Romance, First Kiss/Time, Heavy Petting, Cuddles, POV Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn / Falling in Love / Dev. Rel., Nervous/Anxious Sherlock, Jealous/Cranky, Hiking, Vacation Homes / Honeymoon, Sherlock’s Family, Horny John/Sherlock, Patient John, Massages, Hand Jobs, Assassination Plots, Hand Jobs / Oral Sex, Case Fic, Emotional Love Making, Bath Time Fun) – This is the story of a young consulting detective who wants nothing to do with marriage and an army doctor who wants to find true love. It's 2020 post-Brexit England and the British government is encouraging arranged marriages. Candidates meet through state-run agencies and date in hopes of finding love (and tax benefits). Sherlock doesn't need or want a spouse, at least not until John Watson shows up. Hesitant to give in to his more carnal urges because of the way they derail his mind, how will Sherlock progress toward the more intimate aspects of a relationship? The answer lies in a very special wedding gift.

The Bang and the Clatter by earlgreytea68 (M, 137,049 w., 37 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Baseball AU || Slow Burn / Dev. Rel., Possessive/Obsessive Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Mutual Pining, Body Appreciation, Depression, Closeted Sexuality, Family, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Ogling Each Other, Anxious Sherlock, Panic Attack, Drunkenness, Talk of Forever, Big Feelings™) – Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it's a baseball AU. Part 1 of Baseball

The Lost Special: Family Matters (As Do Relationships) by ShirleyCarlton (M, 144,688 w., 40 Ch. || S4 Fix It Fic, Unreliable Narrator, John’s Mind Bungalow, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending) – Sherrinford is not really the name of some high security prison. That was just a figment of John’s frantic coma dream. And Eurus is not actually Sherlock’s sister. That’s just something random she said to John before shooting him. Sherlock and John were never actually estranged. That was just their act to cover up what really happened to Mary – or Rosamund Moran, as her real name has turned out to be. Sherlock does have a secret sibling, though, and his name is Sherrinford. After finally eliminating Moran – though in a rather dramatically different way than they had envisioned – and exposing the truth about Eurus, John encourages Sherlock to delve into his past and to find out whether the reasons to keep Sherrinford away from Sherlock were the right ones, and to discover what really happened in 1981. Along the way, Sherlock and John gradually, finally, stop keeping each other at a distance, and eventually become a proper family of their own.

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #my fic recs #parents and families #meeting the family #Anonymous

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whenisitenoughtrees · 4 years

Text

the point in just drowning another day

“You’re too hard on yourself,” Janus murmurs, voice entirely too knowing, entirely too understanding, and Patton doesn't know that he can handle the depth of this empathy. “You deserve to have the support that you’ve been trying so hard to provide.”

Patton is struggling far more than he wants to admit, both with his loneliness and the crushing weight of the mistakes he's made, and it's sending him spiraling. It doesn't help that apparently, his amphibian traits are here to stay.

Content Warnings: depression, mild body horror

Word Count: 6,900

Pairing: Moceit

(masterpost w/ ao3 links)

It is a grey day today.

He hasn’t had one in a while, but he’s sensed it approaching for the past few days, so he supposes it’s his own fault that it hits this bad; he willfully ignored all the warning signs, pushed aside his fatigue and his slowly souring mood, telling himself that he was alright, that he was being silly, that the feelings would pass. And now, the world is grey, the colors leeched from it like a black-and-white film, and a weight sits heavily on his chest, making every breath a struggle.

He needs to get up. He knows this. Knows he should have been up hours ago, that he should be making breakfast, eggs and sausage and pancakes, should be smiling and happy and ready to greet the world. The others are probably waiting for him, wondering where he is, why he’s not there.

Only, they’re not. And he knows that too. For the past month, family breakfasts have dwindled to a rarity; Roman spends all his time in the Imagination, Virgil almost never leaves his room for anything, and whenever Logan makes an appearance, it’s only to grab food and leave, heading back to his work and his planning with barely a backwards glance. Too often, he prepares meals alone and eats them alone, at an empty dining table, the room silent except for the fridge humming in the background. The house is empty and still, and he sits alone with his thoughts and the knowledge that he has failed all of them. That he has no one to blame for this but himself.

If he had been less strict, could this have been avoided? If he had been more open to others’ opinions, open to change? If he had been better at understanding Virgil, less eager to shut out Logan, more perceptive of the issues that Roman tried so hard to hide?

He’s losing his family, has already lost them, inch by creeping inch. And it’s all his fault, and the morning dawns grey and cold, and no matter what he tells himself, he cannot persuade his body to leave his bed.

It’s not that he’s comfortable. He’s not. His mattress feels too lumpy, his blankets too hot, too stifling, and his pillow too soft and yielding. His skin itches, too, itches like it is trying to crawl off his bones, but he can barely make himself move at all, cannot stir from his curled up position. One hand lays near his head, in his line of sight, and one by one, he twitches his fingers, raising them off the mattress before letting them drop again. He tracks the motion, almost fascinated by the way his muscles shift, as much as he is capable of being fascinated by anything right now.

Something about the hand looks odd. It feels odd, too, large and clumsy, almost disconnected from the rest of him. He thinks he should probably be alarmed by this, but he can’t work up the energy.

He needs to get up. He knows this. The hours are slipping away. Soon, it will be too late for breakfast at all.

He lies there and thinks instead. Thinks of all the harm he’s done lately, to Thomas and to the rest of them. Thinks about how Virgil has pulled away from him, how he skipped over Logan’s contributions, somehow convincing him that he doesn’t care about him. How he’s been fighting so hard against the idea that Deceit and Remus could help Thomas at all, how he labelled them as the things that make Thomas bad, only to find out that Janus, at least, has been advocating for Thomas the whole time, and if that is the case, perhaps Remus, too, is not nearly as terrible as he’s always believed.

He thinks about the bitterness on Roman’s face as he sunk out. The disbelief in his voice, the betrayal, the pain. He thinks about the fact that he hasn’t seen Roman since, that Roman has locked the door and refuses to answer, no matter how much he pleads and apologizes.

He lies there, carried by the grey day haze, and thinks that apologies don’t really amount to much, in the end, because apologies don’t fix anything. They don’t reverse time, don’t repair shattered trust or heal deep wounds. At best, they are a bandage, helpful when the injury is small but utterly ineffective otherwise, and these wounds are like vast chasms rending them all apart.

Patton thinks that he might be the bad one. Bad for Thomas. Bad for his family.

So maybe, he should just stay here. Should stay in bed, away from everyone, at least until he figures out what to do, how not to hurt them anymore, but really, wouldn’t they be better off without him as a whole? Without him there to impose his rules, his black-and-white mentality that has done so much damage? He has tried so hard, these past few weeks, to adjust his worldview, to make room for change, but how much does it really matter when he has already broken so much?

Not that he has much of a choice right now. He can’t get up.

So he lies there. Minutes blend into hours blend into seconds, and he has no idea how much time passes. Surely it is afternoon by now. He hopes everyone found something to eat.

His skin itches.

He’ll be fine, eventually. He is well aware of this, well aware that grey days pass, like melting snow revealing blooming spring flowers. Except, not like that, not exactly, because these days, the melting snow seems to reveal nothing but cold, hard ground, frozen through. But it is easier to walk on ground than through snow, easier to smile and laugh and pretend that everything is alright, to tell yourself that everything is alright, when you don’t have to fight just to walk, to keep your balance.

It’s repression. He is well aware of that, well aware of the consequences, of the toll this takes on him. He does listen when he is told about these things, even if it might take longer for the message to sink in, for the rest of him to catch up to what his brain already knows. But he can’t deal with his own problems right now, not until everyone else is alright again, and really, most of the time he thinks he’s got a lot of nerve to have problems at all. He’s the one who hurt them, so what right does he have to be acting this way, like he’s the one with a broken heart?

The grey thickens. Tears blur his vision. He feels like he’s inhaling thick fog, like every breath comes in hard and labored.

He could stop breathing, if he wanted. He’s not human. He doesn’t need to breathe to exist.

It’s tempting. Tempting to just… stop. To discorporate his human form, to spend a few days as an automatic function, to spend a few days without remembering, without worrying, without the guilt that is a constant weight on his shoulders. But it would be a reprieve he’s done nothing to deserve.

His skin itches.

He doesn’t expect the knock at the door. Under any other circumstance, he might jerk in surprise, but his body is held fast as if by molasses. So he lies there, looking at the door through half-lidded eyes, and wonders if he’s supposed to answer. He doesn’t think he can, doesn’t think his mouth will cooperate long enough to form words, and his tongue lies thick and unwieldy behind his teeth. If he doesn’t say anything, will they leave? Assume he’s sleeping, perhaps? Or will they come in and see him like this, miserable and drowning and unable to do something so simple as sit up in bed?

He doesn’t know which option he likes less.

It doesn’t matter, though, because the door cracks open, bright light spilling in from the hallway, and he has to squint at the figure silhouetted there.

“Patton?” someone asks. Janus’ voice.

He doesn’t reply. Can’t. Maybe if he says nothing, he’ll leave it be. He’s not up for a debate, or for wading his way through another moral quandary. Janus seems to like both of those things, and lately, Patton has been more than happy to engage with him, to draw out sharp words and sharper smiles and occasionally, genuine laughs that do something to his stomach. Janus has been the only one willing to spend any time with him at all, these days, and he cherishes those moments, gathering them up like fallen leaves and clutching them to his chest as a reminder that he still has a purpose, that he can still make this right.

But not today. He can’t do this today.

Janus steps into the room, closing the door behind him, and the vague hope he’d mustered deflates, like a sad, punctured balloon. That’s what he feels like right now. A sad, punctured balloon. A sad, itchy, punctured balloon. And Janus is going to see that he feels like a sad, itchy, punctured balloon, and he doesn’t know why, but the idea sends an ache radiating through his chest.

“I could sense you lying to yourself,” Janus says, but his voice is far softer than his words would imply. “Are you alright?”

He blinks, slowly. He supposes that it’s fairly obvious how he feels, fairly obvious that he’s not alright. And even if it weren’t, Janus sniffs out lies like a bloodhound on a trail.

“Feel not great,” he manages. It takes a monumental effort to force the words through his lips, and they hang heavily in the air, thick and distorted. “Sorry.”

Janus crosses the room and kneels on the floor next to the bed, holding steady eye contact. His eyes are mesmerizing, one brown and one gold, both staring with an intensity that Patton wishes he could find it in himself to return. His expression is cool and blank, but a small divot presses between his eyebrows, and if Patton had the willpower, he might try to smooth it away.

He doesn’t, though, so it’s a moot point.

“You don’t need to apologize for the way you feel,” Janus says. “It’s alright to be sad.”

He understands that. He does. They did a whole video about it, once, back when things were so much simpler, the stakes so much lower. Back when he still felt secure in his ability to guide Thomas well, to help him be the good person that he knows he is.

But how can he explain that he doesn’t feel sad? That he feels nothing but grey and empty, disconnected from himself and his body and his emotions, left with nothing but constant ruminations on the past and all the ways he’s messed up. Even his guilt feels distant, like it’s surrounding him but unable to touch, kept at bay by the grey cloud swarming his thoughts and dulling his vision. He wishes he felt sad, wishes he felt guilt, that steady companion, wishes he could feel anything at all. But he is an empty container, filled by nothing but swirling grey smoke, no substance there at all.

And he can’t get up.

Janus lets out a slow breath, brow furrowing even further when he doesn’t respond. He reaches forward and takes his hand where it is lying on the mattress, rubbing his thumb across his knuckles in a soothing, repetitive pattern. It would feel nicer if he took off his gloves, if he allowed skin to skin contact, but Patton won’t push for that, wouldn’t even if he had the strength to make the words leave his mouth.

He’s not sure what he did to deserve any comfort at all. Especially not from Janus, who perhaps has the most right out of anybody to hate him, after all the years he spent pushing him to the side and calling him evil, who he still hasn’t properly apologized to, not really.

Perhaps he’s here to see if he can get him out of bed. Breakfast has long since passed, but perhaps there’s still time for a late lunch, if he could muster up the motivation to prepare it. And Janus does represent Thomas’ self-preservation, so it would make sense for him to want to make sure that all of the sides are doing their jobs.

But for a long time, Janus says nothing at all. Just holds his hand, lightly traces patterns into his skin.

“Is there anything that I could do to help?” he asks eventually, voice low and earnest. It is almost enough to banish the grey, if only for a moment, because it has been so long since any of the others trusted him enough for this question, trusted him enough to help him or to ask him for help, and he wants to say yes, wants to ask him to spend time with him, to watch a movie, maybe, or cat videos on the internet, because nobody’s done that with him in weeks, and he’s so, so lonely.

But then he remembers why he’s lonely, why they’re avoiding him, and the grey filters back in. Because it’s his fault, and if he cannot face the consequences of his actions, then what good is he as Morality?

So he makes a noise, one that comes out halfway between a grunt and a whine, and hopes that’s good enough to appease Janus’ question, to make him feel that he’s done his duty.

Janus frowns at him, and his hand stills. Patton expects him to pull away, but instead, his grip tightens slightly, and he tugs Patton’s hand toward him, inspecting it. Patton watches, vaguely confused, as his frown deepens, and he pushes back the sleeve of his pajama shirt to look at his forearm.

“Patton,” he starts slowly, “are you aware of…” He trails off, gesturing, and Patton stares at him, trying to read his meaning in the lines of his face. It’s something he’s concerned about, clearly, which makes Patton think he should be concerned too; maybe even alarmed, seeing as the point of contention seems to have something to do with his arm. He can’t work up anything more than a mild curiosity, but that is enough to get him to angle his head to look at what Janus is referring to.

At first, he doesn’t notice anything wrong. He feels an odd dissociation from the entire limb, as if what he’s seeing isn’t attached to his body, much less something that should concern him. And the more he stares, the more unreal it appears. But eventually, his gaze drifts to what Janus likely believes to be the issue: his skin is covered in mottled patches of green, each blemish appearing stretched and dry and flaky. They itch, too, itch just like his entire body has been itching, and if these blotches are the cause, his entire body must be covered in them. As if in response to his consideration, the itching, scratching sensation increases, almost enough to motivate him into movement.

His body is so heavy, though, and his mind so sluggish. This seems like something he should care about, something that should scare him, and the fear is there, he thinks. But it’s lurking beyond the grey fog, and it can’t touch him.

“What is it?” he murmurs, or at least tries. It comes out sounding more like, “Whazzit?” but it’s intelligible, at least.

Janus runs a finger down his arm, a feather-light touch that sends shivers down his spine.

“Are you sure you want to know?” he asks.

Patton stares. What is he supposed to say to that? He doesn’t much care to know about anything right now; all he wants in this moment is to bury himself in the covers until this horrible emptiness goes away.

Maybe it will be gone by dinner. Maybe he could make dinner. Make dinner for people who aren’t going to eat it. Stick it in tupperware in the fridge and let it go bad because nobody but him is eating it.

“Itches,” he says, his eyes slipping closed. “Don’t feel good.”

As he says it, the grey slides away a bit, as if it were waiting for such an admission, and the overwhelming influx of sensation catches him off guard. It’s more than just an itchiness; it’s a tightness, too, like his skin is a bit too small for him, and he is struck by a need to squirm and scratch. Something is wrong, he realizes, and the fear that is creeping into the corners of his mind is worse than the grey emptiness, because even though his brain has begun to process the world again, his limbs still feel too heavy to move, his chest too constricted to bring in enough air.

He whimpers. Janus sucks in a breath, and he opens his eyes again to see that he’s changed position, has shifted to sitting on the edge of the bed rather than kneeling on the floor, and is leaning over him, arms hovering above his body but not touching.

“I’m going to help you sit up,” Janus says, “unless you have any objections.”

Patton does not, in fact, have any objections. The grey is receding far faster than it came on, leaving him at the mercy of all the fear and sadness and guilt that he’s been contemplating, and with each passing second, his panic grows, because his body is not cooperating with him in the slightest and something is wrong.

Janus gently pulls him upright, and he slumps forward, all of his weight crashing onto Janus’ chest. Janus appears to take this in stride, wrapping his arms around him in a hug that Patton would very much enjoy if he could return it, but his arms refuse to listen to him, hanging by his sides like limp, bloated noodles.

“You don’t currently feel like you have an outlet for your emotional distress,” Janus says starkly, bluntly. “You’ve been repressing it in an effort to focus on fixing your relationships with the others, but the fact that that is going nowhere only worsens your state of mind.” He pauses. “The last time you experienced an instance of severe emotional distress, you turned into a giant frog. It is… possible that after that display, Thomas now associates you with… amphibian-like traits, shall we say, to a degree, just as he associates me with snakes.”

His breath catches, and the memory comes flooding back in full force. The terror, the awful sensation as his body transformed, as his mind worked at a fever-pitch, desperate and confused until he didn’t even know what he was saying anymore, until he resorted to such terrible tactics to try to work everything out, until he lashed out in anger and pain and hurt Thomas--

He can’t hurt Thomas. He can’t. He can’t do this again. He won’t let himself do this again.

The itching increases, like millions of tiny needles being jammed into his skin over and over again. He needs to calm down, he knows, because if he’s going to stop this he has to be calm, but the grey has abandoned him to his emotional turmoil, and he tries desperately to press it all down, because he knows that repression is bad but it has to be better than this, better than turning into a monster again--

“I think some healthy, open-ended discussion would do you some good,” Janus continues. “So, not that I care at all, but if you wanted, we could-- Patton? Patton, you need to calm down.”

He’s trying. He’s trying, but he can’t, and it’s too late, because he can already feel it happening, can feel his body begin to twist and warp and change no matter how hard he tries to stop it, no matter how hard he tries to ground himself, to keep himself human. And Janus is saying something, something loud and urgent, but his voice rings and echoes and Patton can’t understand a word of it.

So he closes his eyes and stops fighting it. There is a single, gut-wrenching lurch, and his hands hit the bedspread as he fumbles for balance, and then everything is silent. He should open his eyes, should face the music, but he doesn’t want to see Janus’ expression, whether it be anger or fear or disgust or scorn. And he doesn’t want to see the mess he’s surely made of his room, the destruction, like last time, doesn’t want to open his eyes and find that he’s looming over everything else, that he’s cracked his ceiling and crushed his bed.

“Oh,” Janus says. His voice is still oddly echoey, and Patton can’t interpret his tone at all. “Oh. Well. Ah, I totally expected this. Definitely. Um. Oh, gosh.”

Is he flustered? Surely, that can’t be right. He’s pretty sure that Janus doesn’t do flustered. But he has to know, now, has to look, so he opens his eyes.

He expects to be looking down. Instead, he finds himself looking up. It is Janus that towers over him, rather than the other way around, Janus that towers over him with unmitigated shock written on his face. Patton blinks, just to be sure that he isn’t seeing things, and as he does, his brain helpfully provides him with a million other things that are wrong with this picture; the ceiling, for instance, is miles above him, and his bed is as vast as an ocean.

He tries to speak, tries to ask what’s going on, but all that emerges from his mouth is a shrill squeak. He attempts to stand, then, or at least sit up, but every effort sends him sprawling on all fours, his limbs clunky and uncoordinated and unfamiliar. His panic mounts as he finds himself unable to do much of anything at all, and he flails, trying to attain some amount of control.

“Oh gosh, okay,” Janus says, and leans down. “I know this is scary, but you’re fine, I swear. Actually, honestly swear. You’re going to be absolutely fine.”

Everything clicks then, and Patton goes still, staring at his own limb stretched out in front of him, long and thin and green and four-toed. He’s a frog, he realizes. A tiny frog. His whole body feels so odd, so different, out of place and completely foreign, and it’s because he’s a frog. Not a weird, giant, humanoid frog monster, but an actual frog.

He focuses back on Janus and squeaks again. For some reason, Janus’ right cheek reddens.

“Fuck,” he mutters, glancing away, and Patton would chide his use of language, but he’s pretty sure by now that he can’t talk. “Okay, um, you’re not cute at all, so don’t even ask. But this is definitely not normal, and it will definitely last for a very long time. Accidental transformations always do.” He frowns, tilting his head slightly before shaking it. “You know what I mean. Which is to say that I myself am occasionally a snake, so I know what I’m talking about.”

He blinks. He didn’t know that Janus could actually transform into a snake, though now that he reflects on it, he supposes that there’s no reason why not. It makes him wonder just how much more he doesn’t know about him. How much he never bothered to learn.

Okay, so. He’s a frog now. A small, squeaky frog. So, this is a lot better than he thought it would be. And Janus is implying that this will wear off eventually, so he can just… stay here, right? Stay in bed, not bother anybody else with this? Wait until he changes back? Bit by bit, the fear drains out of him, leaving him exhausted. And with the fear gone, the adrenaline dissipating, the grey creeps back in. Not as bad as it was before. But enough so that remaining in bed for at least the next few hours sounds very, very appealing.

He looks up at Janus, his eyelids drooping, and tries to convey that he can leave now, that he’ll be fine with just… sitting here for a bit, on his covers, until everything goes back to normal. However long that takes. However that’s supposed to happen. He should probably be more worried about how to reverse this, but now that the terror of the moment is over, he finds himself willing enough to allow things to happen as they happen. He’s not sure he could marshal the energy to force himself to change back even if he knew exactly how.

“Wait here a moment,” Janus says suddenly. “I’ll be right back.” He stands and sinks out directly, and Patton watches him go, vague disappointment filtering though his mind. Sure, he didn’t want Janus to think that he is obligated to stay with him, to deal with the mess that he is, but some part of him had hoped that he would stick around anyway. The grey seems to lift, a little bit, with someone else by his side, seems to shy away from the warm presence of another person’s voice.

Minutes pass. Or perhaps it’s hours. He has long since given up keeping track of time, and in the middle of a bed that is far, far too large, in a body that is entirely familiar to him, Patton feels himself begin to drift.

But then, Janus comes back, rising up in the middle of his room, a laptop tucked under his arm, several blankets thrown over it. Patton rouses himself with some effort, staring as Janus approaches, gently placing the laptop and blankets on the bed.

“I thought we could watch a movie, if that’s alright,” Janus says, and pulls a DVD case apparently out of nowhere, holding it up for inspection. It’s The Aristocats, the title written in swirling golden letters, and Patton can’t help but let out a croak in surprise. Janus shrugs, glancing away.

“I figured you would like this one,” he says. “I mean. Disney and cats. So.”

The right side of his face once again flushes a bright, cherry red, and even like this, even in this fugue-like state, Patton is absolutely touched. Not only that Janus cares enough to remember what he likes, but also that he wants to spend time with him? That he would drop any other plan he might have had to watch a movie with him, presumably to help him feel better?

He didn’t know that frogs could cry. But tears well up in his eyes, and he blinks them away.

“Just an idea,” Janus says, his eyes going wide. “We don’t have to. We could pick another movie! It would be such a problem to pick something else!”

No!

Patton wants to scream, wants to shout, because he’s misinterpreting his tears, because in this moment, Patton barely has the strength to want anything at all, and yet there is nothing more that he wants than to watch this movie with Janus. But he can’t speak, can’t make his vocal cords produce anything more than squeaks and croaks, so he pushes past the grey to do the only thing he can think might work.

These limbs are unfamiliar to him. But he knows a few things about frogs, knows how far they can jump. So jump he does, surprising himself with the power in his own back legs, and launches himself at Janus, who flinches, stumbling back, but too late to prevent Patton from sticking his landing, right on his cheek.

“Oh,” he says, stammering. Patton is certain that he has heard Janus stutter more today than in all the years he’s known him. “Um. What?”

Patton takes a moment to breathe, and to comprehend the fact that his feet are literally sticking to Janus’ skin. He adjusts himself, settles in more firmly, and then lets out a loud, intentional croak.

It’s all he can do. He just has to hope that Janus understands, understands that he doesn’t want him to leave, that he doesn’t want him to change a single thing.

“Oh,” Janus says again. He takes great care not to move his mouth much, takes great care not to dislodge Patton, and it would be enough to coax a smile out of him, if frogs could smile. “Are you… is this alright, then?”

He croaks again, and the muscles in Janus’ cheek twitch as he resists a smile.

“Okay,” he says. “I’ll get it set up, then, shall I?”

And he does, popping the movie into the laptop’s disc tray and wrapping himself in soft blankets as he settles against the headboard. He arranges the blanket in an odd way, creating a series of folds on his shoulder, and it is not until he gestures at it that Patton realizes that it is meant for him, that Janus purposefully made a place for him to sit. He jumps down, almost falling before he steadies himself, barely preventing his limbs from tangling with each other, and snuggles into the soft fabric, reveling in the way it brushes against his skin.

The grey is still present, still pervasive, filling him with an emptiness, with a void. But the void itself has filled a bit, filled with warmth, with the knowledge that Janus is doing this for him, even if he doesn’t quite understand why.

The movie begins to play. He turns his attention to the screen, and even though his mind wanders, slips away at some points, he does feel a little bit better, a little more present, a little less like he wants to stagnate in his room forever.

Janus is quiet throughout the first stretch of the movie, though Patton can sense him shooting him glances every now and again. But as Duchess meets O’Malley for the first time, he speaks up, face forward, eyes fixed on the screen.

“The first time I transformed was confusing,” he murmurs, as if to himself, though surely, he hasn’t forgotten that Patton is there, that Patton can hear him. “Thomas was so young, and I didn’t know what was happening. The scales had been appearing for a while, but I never thought that I could change so completely. It was a moment of emotion, frustration at not being heard, when Thomas got in trouble that a white lie easily could have prevented. One minute I was having a meltdown in my room, and the next I was a snake.” He chuckles a bit, as though the memory is fond, though it doesn’t sound that way.

How much distress was he in, Patton wonders? How confused was he, how scared, his body warping and changing and no one at all there to help him?

“This is all to say that I’ve since learned to control it. I’d demonstrate, but I hardly think that turning into a snake while you are a very small frog would put your mind at ease.” Janus sighs, fiddling with the bottom of his capelet. “But you can learn to control it, too, provided that these traits stick.”

Patton wishes he could say something, anything at all. But his voice is gone, twisted so that small sounds are the only thing he can produce, so he stays quiet, listening to Janus talk. In a way, it’s a blessing, the inability to respond. None of the impetus of the conversation is put on him, so he feels no pressure to muster up replies that would surely be lackluster, given his emotional state, or lack thereof.

“But that’s not really the point right now, is it?” Janus says softly. “The more pressing concern is why you transformed this time. You must have been on the verge of it for hours, subconsciously holding yourself back from it.”

He shifts. He’d woken up itchy and uncomfortable, his mind buried in the grey and unable to do anything about it, unable to move at all, much less rouse himself into action. He hopes that this won’t happen every time he has a grey day. He can’t afford to lose time like this. There’s too much to do, and though grey days are bad enough on their own, he can force himself to work through them, sometimes, when the haze isn’t too strong. He can’t do that if he’s always turning into a frog when he gets overwhelmed.

“I do hope you know that your feelings are just as valid as anyone else’s,” Janus says, and Patton stiffens. “To be sure, you messed up, and the others have every right to be upset, but I challenge you to find any one of us that hasn’t accidentally screwed everyone else over at some point.” He pauses. “Or even on purpose. Which you are assuredly not guilty of.”

The words buzz in his head, vibrating in the fog, and Patton’s not entirely sure that he understands what Janus is saying, not entirely sure that he has the energy to try. What do intentions matter? Messing up is messing up, and even if he didn’t mean to, he’s hurt everyone in the mindscape. If it wasn’t anything to be upset about, he wouldn’t be upset, would he?

“And of course, it’s not like they’re to blame for this at all,” Janus continues. “It’s not like they’re being immature, hiding away in their rooms and refusing to confront their problems.” He shakes his head. “Patton, you have to understand that it is not your job to ensure their emotional competence. All you can do is try your best, and if they refuse to meet you halfway, that’s on them, not you. You shouldn’t blame yourself when you’re obviously doing everything you can to own up to and fix your mistakes.”

Patton croaks, the denial ripped from his throat. He’s never seen it that way, didn’t think that he could see it that way, but Janus’ voice is streaking the grey through with yellow and gold, forcing him to confront the root of the problem in a way that he never has before.

“There is no such thing as a perfect person,” Janus says. “You’ve learned that by now, learned that Thomas himself is nowhere near flawless. But that applies to you as well. You’re allowed to make mistakes, to learn and grow from them. No one should expect you to be right one hundred percent of the time, and that includes both yourself and them.”

Once again, his eyes well up with tears, and this time, they drip down, splattering onto the blankets.

He falls silent, then, the movie still playing but long since forgotten, and Patton has to take a moment to absorb what has just been said.

He’s not too hard on himself. He can’t be. Everything he’s said and thought these past few weeks has been true, completely and utterly; it was his mistakes that drove the others away from him, and it is his responsibility to correct those mistakes. And if the others don’t want to see him, don’t want to talk to him, then that’s fine. It’s their right, and he doesn’t blame them at all, can’t possibly blame them when most of him believes that they’re right to do so, right to avoid him, because after everything, he can’t possibly deserve--

Oh.

But Janus says he does deserve it. That he deserves help, that he deserves support. Who, then, is right?

“Think about it this way,” Janus says, as if sensing his struggle. “If your positions were reversed, if, say, Virgil had messed up and everyone was avoiding him, would you think that’s what he deserved?”

Well, of course not. Everyone deserves love and support, even when they make mistakes, because--

Oh.

The realization comes crashing down with the force of the loudest thunderclap, and something deep within him twists, wrenches at his heart and at his stomach, and all the breath is knocked out of him as he suddenly finds himself falling forward, landing hard on Janus’ lap, arms and legs achy and all too human. Janus yanks his arms out from under the blankets to catch him, his lips parted in surprise.

“But I hurt them,” Patton says, the words ripped from him as if by force, desperate, like the world might just crumble into pieces if he doesn’t get an answer. “I hurt all of them, so much.”

“And their hurt is valid,” Janus says. “Each one of them is entitled to their anger and their pain. But Patton, so are you.”

He bursts into tears at that, the dam breaking at last, and he lurches forward, flinging his arms around Janus’ neck and burying his face into his shoulder where the blankets have slipped away. Janus makes a startled noise, and then brings his arms up to embrace him, holding him tight and close as he runs the gamut of all the emotions he has been pushing back.

“You’re loved,” Janus says. “They all love you, even though it may seem otherwise right now. They love you, and they’ll be ready to show it again, in time.” He pauses, and his next sentence carries a strange weight, a slightly different tone, a reticence and a rushed eagerness all at once. “And I love you, Patton. Please don’t forget that.”

He sniffles. “Even though I’m getting snot all over you?” he asks into his shirt, and Janus laughs, startled.

“Even so,” he answers. “It’s snot an issue.”

Patton gasps, thrilled despite himself. He still can’t bring himself to display the reaction he would normally have, but he manages a weak smile. “Pun,” he says, voice still muffled by fabric.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Janus says. “I would never in my life crack a pun. Lies and slander.”

Patton pulls back a bit, enough to see his face, and is shocked to find that he is crying too, though he looks much more dignified than Patton is certain he does. For a moment, his heart fills with an overflowing, overpowering love, and before he can think better of it, he leans forward and kisses him on the cheek. Janus’ breath hitches, but Patton doesn’t back down, staring him straight in the eyes.

“I love you too,” he says, and in the moment, doesn’t know exactly how he means it. Just that it’s true, and right now, that is enough. “Thank you.”

He pours all of the sincerity, all of the emotion that he is capable of right now into the words. He needs Janus to understand how much it means that he is here, with him, willing to help him and to hold him.

Janus stares at him with something like affection and something like awe.

“You don’t need to thank me,” he says. “Not for this. Never for this.”

And Patton sighs, shifting position until he is leaning against Janus’ chest, tucking his head under his chin and turning his head so that he can see the movie. It’s almost over by now, Edgar receiving his just desserts.

“I still don’t feel great,” he murmurs, because he doesn’t. Better, now that he’s let his emotions out, now that he is human, now that he has someone with him, holding him, caring about him, loving him, but the grey still hovers around him, still lands heavily on his chest and in his head. If human contact were enough to solve it all completely, that would be a wonderful thing, but the greyness isn’t so simple, isn’t so easily banished. He doubts he’ll be able to gather the energy to make dinner tonight. He may not even feel better by tomorrow morning.

But Janus is with him, supporting without judgement, and that makes all the difference.

“That’s alright,” Janus says, kissing the top of his head. “You don’t need to be. Would you like to watch another movie? And by that I mean actually watch, not leave it on in the background as we discuss deep, abiding emotional issues.”

He manages a shaky laugh at that. “I’d like that,” he whispers. His voice emerges hoarse and thick, and it takes too much effort to get the words out. “Could we do Tangled?”

“A terrible choice,” Janus says, and summons the DVD with a wave of his hand, reaching around Patton to place the disc in the laptop. The title screen begins to play, and he adjusts the blankets so that they are both fully covered, and Patton curls into his side as the narration starts.

He still feels bad, and he knows he has so much more to work through. But the deep, aching loneliness has abated somewhat, and he knows that the greyness will fade away too, eventually. Until then, he has Janus here, with him, wrapped up in soft blankets, a comfort movie playing for both of them, and confessions dancing in the air between them, spoken but not quite elaborated on, not yet. And that’s alright, because there’s time, because the sun always shines brightest after the rain has passed.

He sighs, snuggles in closer, and allows himself to simply be.

Writing Taglist: @just-perhaps @the-real-comically-insane @jerrysicle-tree @glitchybina @psodtqueer

#sanders sides #ts sides #moceit #patton sanders #janus sanders #ts patton #ts janus #my fic #long post #patton: *ribbits*#janus: oh no you're adorable

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willowkeyes-creates · 4 years

Text

Maybe Not A Hero, But Still A Side

Warnings: Swearing, self-deprecation, near-death sorta?, Remus making an innuendo Set after Redux.

@hufflepuff-deceit ------------------------------------------------------------ Roman

I’ve been losing my touch for years now; it shouldn’t hurt this much to know that Thomas has finally figured it out. I’m not his hero. I was once, back when we began making short videos on Vine, maybe again when that failed and we stuck to YouTube… But I’ve just been lying to everyone for ages now.

I’m no Prince.

I’m not good.

There’s… little difference between Remus and I if you look close enough.

I’m no one’s hero.

With a heavy sigh that fails to dislodge the lump in my throat, I collapse against the soft grass of the Imagination and let the cold rain wash over me. The cliff I’ve decided to sit on has a view over the ocean that, before all of this, I would love to just stare at and take it in for an hour or two. I’ve been in here for a week, maybe two if I’ve paid less attention then I think I have, but I can’t bring myself to show my face to anyone yet. Or, I can’t bring myself to look at the others and not feel so much that my chest wants to explode with emotions I can’t control.

Anger, frustration, confusion, betrayal, guilt- there’s so much guilt. So much for so many things that I don’t know what to do with it. Hiding it away and pretending that it doesn’t exist doesn’t help anymore. Lying doesn’t help me anymore.

Maybe Dece-... Maybe Janus knows me better than I thought. Maybe he should be one of the Light Sides; a Side that helps Thomas with his issues. Because he’s been doing a better job than I have. I just stood there as Patton hurt Thomas! I let him tell me what I should be doing- I let him tell me to go to that stupid, fucking wedding instead of what could have been the best opportunity of Thomas’ life!

My hands tangle themselves in my hair as I scream at the rain. As I scream at Patton, at Deceit, Janus, Patton- at Thomas. Myself. Everything and everyone. I just scream until something starts to hurt, then scream some more. I just want all of this to go away.

Instead, I scream until I’m too tired to scream anymore. I just lay an arm lengths away from the edge of a cliff, stare at what I guess to be a nice sunset, and just… do nothing. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I’m so tired. So sore. Thomas can last a while without me; and even more if Remus decides to take the spotlight now that I’m not around.

I should get out of the rain though; it’s starting to get really heavy. With a grunt of effort, I haul myself to my feet and throw my hoodie on despite every part of me being drenched already. My first step causes something below me to crack and I freeze to hear a second and third to follow suit. I frown down at my feet as I take another step, only for it to slip against something and send me back onto my back with a heavy thump. And a loud crack.

There’s a second of weightlessness as the ground falls out from beneath me. The sky seems to get so far away from me so quickly, with my hand reaching out as if a cloud will catch me as I fall. But what is now the edge of the cliff passes by me, I shut my eyes tight and wait for the pain of hitting the crashing waves below. For the possible breaking of my bones, for the head trauma, for the relief of not having to think while I’m unconscious-

Something wraps around my wrist and every part of me screams at me to hold onto it. Both hands grab onto the… arm of whoever caught me.

“Seriously!? I thought I was the crazy twin!” My eyes shoot open at the all-too-familiar voice to see Remus smiling down at me. It’s… a relieved smile, for some reason.

Then I see what’s behind him. Remus is nowhere near the edge of the cliff and has both of his legs being held onto with a hand each, while two other hands hold the three of us up. Out of all the Sides to have come here, I didn’t expect these two.

“Ro. Hey.” With a couple of blinks I focus back on Remus’ face, while the lump that was once in my chest now sits up in my throat. He needs to stop looking at me like that. They’re both looking at me... “You alright there?”

“I-... N-No.”

“Remus, I don’t believe you know this, but the three of us are hanging off a cliff right now. Of course he’s not bloody alright!”

“Okay, okay! You gonna pull us up then, or what!?”

One moment I’m watching the two argue as my legs dangle over the dangerous ocean, the next I’m back on solid ground and I can feel tears building up as I realise what just happened. They rescued me. They’re heroes…

“Roman?” Remus’ voice is too soft, too filled with worry over such a useless Side. In a world of my own creation, where I rule, I still can’t be anyone’s hero because I’m too busy needing saving myself. I was saved by those I called villains. “Fuck- Jan, he’s crying! Did he hit his head?”

I shake my head and curl my legs up to my chest; the lump in my throat now painful and starving me of air. It’s all too much. Everything is so much while I can do so little. Like an ant in a rainstorm without shelter. Like a mortal trading places with Atlas to hold up the sky. Like a stupid Prince who’s been thinking so much of himself, when he actually just insults others and makes everything worse!

So when I feel fingers in my hair, I push them away only for arms to wrap around me and hold me close to someone’s chest. Even as I keep struggling, two more sets of arms wrap around me and feel so warm against how damp and cold my skin is. I feel fingers in my hair again- gloved fingers. With another gloved hand holding my own and rubbing their thumb across the back of my hand.

“Ro? You sane now?” I attempt to swallow the suffocating lump, but fail as it feels even bigger than before. What am I supposed to say? I am sane- I always have been sane. I’m just no longer blind.

“... I guess so…”

“Good, ‘cause I gotta tell you off for scaring me. Do you know how hard that is to do? You big-headed… butt-head.”

“Not the time for insults...” I guess the extra arms are coming from Janus. He shouldn’t be comforting me; not after what I said. Not after I hurt him after he showed us something so… terrifying… And I fucked it up. I destroyed so much with so few words.

“So, you gonna thrash around again? I can let go if you want. I doubt I smell like roses and honey or whatever...” A set of arms goes to release me and in that moment, I decide to be selfish and quickly grab hold of them. Then move to grab hold of him. Both of them. And I just cry.

“I-I’m sorry… For your name, and ignoring you, and calling you villains, a-and threatening you- I threatened you so much… Fuck…” I can smell them both and it’s such a weird scent, even more so with the scent of rain mixed with them. There’s honey and lavender, but also Thomas’ deodorant and something close to when Patton forgets to put the lid of the trash bin back on. It’s gross, but comforting.

I shouldn’t be comforted.

“Roman, it’s-”

“No!” I pull back to see them both, again hating the look in their eyes. Janus’ heterochromatic ones and the bright red ones of my brother, both looking at me with looks like so much worry. “Stop looking at me like that! I don’t deserve it! Or this! Or to be saved-”

“Stop it, Roman-” I swat the reaching gloved hand away and fall backwards, out of their arms, before digging my palms into my eyes to see the dancing spots instead of seeing the kindness I don’t deserve.

“I screwed up so much! I ignored you, Em! I pretended that you didn’t exist! What so-called ‘good guy’ ignores his own twin!? None! Because I’m not fucking good! I never was! I’ve never been a hero!”

“Roman!” “And I knew that your name was important to you, Dec- Janus! God, I don’t deserve to call you by your name! I laughed! I… I fucking laughed! After you saved Thomas, while I just made shit worse! I made fun of it!”

“And I compared you to Remus while you were in a vulnerable state- Stop apologising and look at us!”

It’s something in the way Janus says it, it could be how his ‘s’ are starting to be held longer or the actual desperation from him that I’ve never heard before, but I take my hands away from my eyes and look up at them.

Remus is grinning brightly and without any of his usual craziness behind it. He looks happy as he stretches his arms out towards me- now making grabby hands at me as if he wants a hug from me. It’s… weird to see him so happy. Is he usually straining his smile? Or this is a different kind of happy then when he pops up to give one of us a fright?

Janus has a soft smile on his face as he fixes the hat atop his head with one of his six arms. He holds another hand out and motions me to come to them. “We both said some harsh things; and I sincerely apologise for hurting you after so much had happened to you and Thomas. And we’ll talk this through- but later. You look exhausted, Roman…”

“So come here, hug us, and let me carry you to our side of the Mindscape for some microwaved leftovers so that we can be best bros for two minutes before you regret saying that mushy shit to me.”

The lump in my throat doesn’t hurt as much- but is still very much there. We do have a lot to talk through, but I am also so tired. And cold. And I nearly just fell into bone-shattering waves. Remus’ open arms and Janus’ inviting look warms something inside me and pushes me into my brother's arms. He holds on tightly with fistfulls of my shirt, as if I’ll disappear. I did this to him… I made him scared that I would leave him again.

“No, Rem…” I have to fix this. I have to become better, instead of sulking away in my Imagination. Doing nothing, solves nothing. If I want to be a hero, I have to work for it again. From the bottom up. Which starts with Remus. “More than two minutes…”

“Sixty-nine minutes?”

“Sixty-nine years sounds better. Especially with an infinity on the end.”

“Sixty-nine infinities? What legendary stamina…”

“You’re gross and insane.” Yet I only hold onto him tighter. His hugs have always felt like I’m not missing a part of myself, as if everything will be okay and nothing will be bad again. It’s a huge lie, but no one else’s hugs can make me feel this kind of safe.

“Come on. I love standing in drenched clothing and I totally don’t want Roman to try the lasagne that we made yesterday.” Holy crap. The leftovers is lasagne!?

“Oooh! You’ll love it, Ro! The cheese on top is scrunchy, like an exo-skeleton.” Too tired to get grossed out at that rather terrifying image, I just give him a hum to make him know that I heard as he picks me up without issue. Now he just smells like strong deodorant with a hint of trashiness; which is dealable enough to get comfortable against him.

“You better not be sleeping. You know how I wake people up.”

“With a scream two inches from their face?”

“I was gonna put slime in your shirt- but that works too! Maybe with some blood…”

“Fake blood please, Remus.” I open my eyes and catch Janus’ gaze for a moment. He gives me another smile before bapping the back of Remus’ head since he was making his nose drip blood. “I wasn’t lying! Clean that up before we enter the Mindscape or you’ll stain the carpets again!”

“Those carpets are already stained from last week!”

“I will hide your copy of Betelgeuse! In my room no less- don’t test me!”

Closing my eyes once more, I hear a raspberry from Remus before they start bantering again. A few days on their side of the Mindscape will do me good. With my deranged yet caring brother and… the attractive-looking, snake man that may have just turned my school yard crush on him into a full on I’m-gay-for-you. We’ll have to talk first, and I have to get some flowers to apologise properly with, but maybe one day I’ll ask him out. Leftover lasagne dinner with him and my brother sounds like a good start.

#roman sanders #remus sanders #janus sanders #brotherly creativitwins #creativitwins #dukeceit #roceit #tw swearing #willowkeyes writes #ask to tag

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toxicpineapple · 4 years

Note

now im just curious abt rantaros relationships w the v3 cast.... mwahaha spill everything 🦟🦗🦟

hi anon! sorry for taking so log to reply to this, i knew i’d have a lot to say and i didn’t have the spoons to go off until now. FLKDJSFLkj here we go!

hehe! okay. so just as a preface, i’m like. REALLY into rantaro pairings. like. the only rantaro pairings i don’t like all that much are am*cha, rantaro/himiko, amaguuji (sorry lgbt community), and ranmugi. the rest i’m either open to or obsessed with. so like. bear that in mind when you read this.

i’m going to rank rantaro relationships by how much i love them so i can get an order to this (and also so i can do amamota last because i have a lot to say).

rantaro + korekiyo (2.5/10) oh gosh. kiyo, i’m so sorry a dumb bitch like me would do you like this. listen, amaguuji is a good pairing, just, objectively. i used to be super into it. but then the fandom crabwalked all over me with their amaguuji hurt/comfort fics and i got so Tired of seeing rantaro get treated like a security blacket... eugh. amaguuji is a good ship. i have written amaguuji, and would write it again, without prompting. i’m just... so tired.

they’d get along! obviously they would get along, we’ve seen their canon interactions, we’ve all slurped up as much rantaro tdp content as we were able to get, we know the tea. rantaro is passive and not easily creeped out, so he’d be able to look past all the unsettling things about kiyo, and similarly, kiyo is understanding and not pushy, so rantaro would be able to vibe around him without being asked about his secrets, or his travels, or anything that he doesn’t want anybody else to know. i like the aesthetic of them sitting around and drinking tea together, just, vibing like bros. kiyo infodumps to rantaro. rantaro fucking loves it. they’re best friends.

also like. they travel together. or whatever.

rantaro + kiibo (4/10) to be clear, i’m like, they’re cute, it’s just. i don’t have very strong opinions on kiibo as a whole FLKDJSFKLJDSFKDF kiibo is one of those characters who i kind of close my eyes on because to me he is just, he is very boring! he is very boring and i am so sorry to the kiibo stans who follow me, i have so much respect for you, i just have never had a kiibo thought in my life. they’re fun to write, though, i’ll tell you that.

kiibo is one of those characters who i think engages with you based on how you engage with him. i don’t mean that he’s a code switcher, (at least not a notorious one), but he’s emotional, and he’ll give back as much as you put in. if you treat him poorly, he’ll respond with anger and indignity. if you treat him with kindness and respect, he’ll respond similarly. which is why i think he and rantaro would really get along! rantaro is relaxed and kind and non-judgmental, and kiibo is the kind of person who needs chill vibes, so i think they’d have a lot of fun hanging out. rantaro is also the type of guy to get his friends a lot of gifts, and i think kiibo would be overwhelmed at like, the thoughtfulness that goes into that, and would grow really fond of rantaro accordingly. they’re sweet! amiibo rights, even if the first time i saw it my gut reaction was “wait, huh?”

rantaro + ryoma (5/10) this is another one of those ones where the rating was cucked because i don’t see a lot of them interacting and there’s not enough fandom content for me to really be in love with it. five is like, a solid neutral rating. i could swing either way. probably more for the positive though; i fucking love ryoma.

another one of those duos where they kind of just, vibe. honestly i don’t know if they’d get too close, if only because rantaro is gone so often he doesn’t really have the time to work on tearing down ryoma’s walls, and ryoma similarly is so tired he’s like, he doesn’t have the energy to try and figure out what the fuck is up with rantaro. unlike with amamota, rantaro and ryoma both have things that trouble them from their past, but the difference is that like, ryoma is so open about it? he’s not closed off. he won’t let people get close, but sure, he’ll tell them exactly why they shouldn’t. rantaro is the complete opposite, all sunny smiles and subject changes. this isn’t to say that they wouldn’t get along! i think they’d get along fantastically. sometimes when rantaro is just feeling so fucking tired, he’d pop by ryoma’s dorm for a candy cigarette and a casual conversation, and they’d chill. or maybe rantaro tells people to let ryoma have his space sometimes. just. vibing in solidarity. they’re bros! they’re bros.

and sometimes they kis--

rantaro + miu (6/10) full disclosure: i love them. leila i am so sorry that a dumb bitch like me would do this friendship like this. i’m just looking at the list and thinking “oh no i love them all” and when it comes to like, my favourite characters, unfortunately, miu had to go on the chopping block. i love them. feel like shit just want egg rp miu and rantaro back.

god! this is another one of those where like, rantaro isn’t judgmental (but he is firm!) so he and miu would get along really well. rantaro is really patient and he like, goes with the flow, so he and miu would be able to have conversations and he’d either shut down or tune out the sex jokes, actually carrying the conversation based on what she’s saying. miu is pretty chill, like, at least i feel like she’d be a really chill friend? so rantaro would be able to make insensitive jokes about how he just got stabbed and miu would be like “KYAHAHAHA you’re such a fuckin moron come to my lab i’ll make you a drink or some shit” and they’d just be cool. they’d just be cool! i want them to be best friends. please. just. two pals who spill tea and come to each other to make dark jokes. also miu cries into rantaro’s shoulder sometimes and he braids her hair fuck you i doooo what i want.

also sometimes they k--

rantaro + gonta (7/10) hey! it’s SO fucking homophobic that the only amagoku fic on ao3 is fucking porn! i hate it here can you please give me some actual food? please? i’m dying. i’m dying here and you’re doing me like this. these two have so many rights! they have so many rights. i just, two special boys? thank you. thank you for them. i care them. if there was more fucking CONTENT for these two i would have given them a higher rating but i guess! i’ll fucking die!

damn i’m actually like... really tender, thinking about them. i just think they could take care of each other! that’s all. i feel like rantaro would be really patient with gonta but he would also treat him like! a real, intelligent person! idk! like not infantalise him despite being sweet and comforting. i don’t know! i think that’s important can you guys STOOOOP infantalising coded autistic characters that would be really sweet </3 but anyway. i headcanon that rantaro likes insects! or at least, he thinks they’re pretty neat! he thinks they’re neat and he likes them and even more than that he likes listening to gonta info dump, it’s just, it’s important. idk. i think rantaro would be really psyched by how excited gonta gets about insects, and of course gonta would be thrilled to have a friend who wants to talk to his insect friends.... hhhhHhh... and of course gonta would take care of rantaro, too, just, he’d respect rantaro’s boundaries and not ask him any questions, he’d offer space and let rantaro just, exist, and be. gonta is soft and he gives good hugs! and i think that he would just be able to let rantaro cry one out on his shoulder and that’s SO important to me.

also gonta is such a sweetheart so it would be like, hard, for rantaro to lie about stuff? i dunno, like, he’d do okay, and then gonta would ask him a question or something and rantaro would be hit with the Guilts... also like, rantaro employs a mix of like, slight coldness, and airheaded subject changes in making people back off, and i doubt he could really do that with gonta. why would you!!! he’s a soft man, just the softest!!!! these two soft green men :) i care them so fucking much can you imagine rantaro taking gonta to places to see bugs PLEASE they have so much potential can we fucking talk about this

rantaro + tenko (7/10) this one would be higher, but i deducted points because of how the fandom always sees rantaro as “fixing” tenko’s man hatred. that’s literally so gross can you shut up? please? i hate? men?

okay n e wayz. i like them! i think they’re neat, i think they’d be great friends... eventually LFKDJLKDSF like listen, okay? i think tenko really does have real fear of men. think about her backstory, like, her master dripping poison in her ear all her childhood, and then the way he had her working as a fucking VIGILANTE? HELLO? like tenko probably saw some horrible traumatising shit as a child that strengthened these beliefs. this is entirely her master’s fault and he is such a, clenches fist, i can’t even articulate this beanie has better master hatred thoughts than i do, but god he sucks? wow. and fuck tenko’s parents too, sending her off to a temple because she had anger issues. you ever heard of a therapist, chabashiras? hello?

i got distracted, but the main thing is, tenko wouldn’t like him at first. not even reluctantly! like rantaro very much looks like a playboy and that’s the epitome of the kind of guy tenko is against. obviously rantaro isn’t, but tenko isn’t getting close enough to see that! if a man so much as touches her she’s responding defensively, don’t you even think rantaro is going to get past that. and i don’t think rantaro would try Too hard, i mean, like, i think he’d be endeared to tenko because of how much she protects the girls, and how sweet she is when she’s like, not actively thinking about it, but i don’t think he’s so ready to get his ass kicked, y’know? FKLDSJFLKSDFJ

but then maybe like! an accident will happen, and tenko falls over, and rantaro reaches to help her but she freaks and grabs his arm and flips him over and then BOOM!!! neo aikido magic things and she sees all his fucking stress, all his distrust, just how much he really blames himself for everything, how afraid and angry and tired he is, and we all know tenko is super compassionate so i think she would absolutely be worried about it. and then i think she’d like! keep an eye out for rantaro, at the very least try and get confirmation on all those emotions because this pretty boy soooo does not act like it, and then maybe one time she sees him getting grilled on his travels, or he comes back injured and tenko finds him, and she bails him out, begrudgingly, and then they start to become friends.

idk! i think they have platonic potential. i think rantaro would see her as a sister and i think tenko would eventually ask rantaro if he’s really a guy. (which he would laugh off, if he was cis, but if this is nb rantaro.... i’m just saying, the potential for tenko to help rantaro with gender awakening.... fantastic.) get into these two as friends. do it.

if some MOTHERFUCKER reblogs this post with am*cha in the tags i’m going to kill. i’m going to KILL. i won’t even hesitate /hj

rantaro + tsumugi (8/10) (looks at ibuki poster) oh mioda, we’re really in it now. and by that i mean, god it’s so fucking hard to choose favourites from here FKJDSLFKJ i have almost all the girls just, up here, because i’m so fucking fond of their relationships with rantaro. and i know i said i don’t like ranmugi or rantaro/himiko, and it’s true, but i am obsessed with their platonic relationships with him. ESPECIALLY when tsumugi and rantaro are one-sided enemies.... that’s such good shit, holy crap.

okay, let me explain. i feel like rantaro and tsumugi can swing both ways, here. they can either be really good friends! like, rantaro is mellow so he lets tsumugi put him into cosplay (i think rantaro would make a really good n off the top of my head since they’re both green FLKJDSFKJ or light yagami..... handsome men) and since he loves listening to people info dump he just... lets tsumugi go fucking OFF about anime sometimes FKJDSLKFJ i think it would be sweet! i think tsumugi could give rantaro a place to unwind, because she’s so like, hard to phase, i guess? like tsumugi and rantaro share that trait where if you hit either of them in the face with a pie, they��d just go “oh, funky” and go to wash their clothes LMAO. power duo! they’re brother and sister! and i headcanon mugi as a lesbian so she talks to rantaro about ~girls~ sometimes. also u already know tsumugi got tea to spill so rantaro helps with her hair for a cosplay while she gossips KFJDLK honestly why aren’t she miu and rantaro a trio? i just think they’d be neat. good friends! best friends.

or tsumugi absolutely fucking detests rantaro with every fiber of her being. she couldn’t even tell you why! he’s just, he’s a normie! he’s a normie, and he’s like the flirtatious pretty boy stereotype except he isn’t even flirtatious, he’s just genuinely nice and he takes care of people and god tsumugi hates it when anime tries to be subversive! there’s a reason tropes exist, y’know! and he’s so smiley and innocent when obviously he’s hiding some kind of shit, why else would he be going on travels all the time, not that it matters because everyone knows how much she hates rantaro so they wouldn’t listen to her anyway... on rantaro’s end, he really doesn’t have a clue why she loathes him so much, like, he’d like to be friends? but wow she hates him, huh. well, whatever. rantaro’s got more important things to worry about.

in other words, i fucking love them in any form, please give me content of these two they’re so fun.

rantaro + angie (8/10) i love these two and these rankings are? so difficult for me, i am going to cry, you guys get the idea about me being a rantaro stan, right? i hope you do because god i love him so much. and i love him with angie! man. okay. okay.

so like. first of all. angie climbing onto rantaro’s back? perfect. she’s in need of piggy back rides and rantaro will gladly give them. rantaro is so patient and like, hhh i don’t want to use the word pliable because of horny people but that’s the best one i can come up with? like, he just goes with the flow, y’know? angie is so high strung, platonically i think she works really well with people who are patient and indulgent. i don’t know if rantaro would be much for her as far as fulfilling her loneliness, because angie is sort of looking for someone who Wouldn’t indulge her that much, but i’m absolutely weak for their dynamic. just, angie bringing up wacky ideas, rantaro responding with mild skepticism but also listening to her. i think she’d cause some trouble and he would be entirely here for it. bless them, honestly.

also angie painting rantaro’s sisters? please they’re so cute

rantaro + shuichi (8/10) before you come at me like “but toxic! amasai is your otp!” it’s not, okay? it used to be. but due to negative associations i can’t really write it (or shuichi ships as a whole) that much anymore and it’s really frustrating so uh, yeah. amamota supremacy.

that being said, god the potential of these two. they’re a great balance. shuichi is anxious and rantaro is laid back, shuichi is reserved and rantaro is outgoing (to an extent; he definitely doesn’t have any issues voicing his opinions). i think rantaro would be really gentle with shuichi! he matches the quiet, less overwhelming vibes, and just. feels inclined to take care of him, y’know? and spend time with him. i think they’re sweet! i think they’re really cute. the other part of the amasai dynamic that i used to be obsessed with his shuichi’s natural curiosity. shuichi would be so curious about what’s going on with rantaro and why he’s traveling, and rantaro would want so badly to tell him, but he can’t risk it happening again, he can’t... oh!!! rantaro is is really good at comforting people i think so he’d be able to like, support shuichi when he’s upset, and shuichi has great communication skills! or at least i like to give them to him. so shuichi would nudge rantaro into being honest, and talking about his feelings. i just want to see them do well together, that’s all! i think that shuichi is earnest and emotional and he cares very dearly for his friends, and he would try really hard to take care of rantaro. he would also probably worry a lot about rantaro after figuring out he gets injured a lot in trips, which, like, FLKDJSFLKJ rantaro might not be so big on but honestly? the guy needs someone to worry about him.

also they FUCKING TRAVEL TOGETHER!!!! shuichi is a detective!!!!!! he can help rantaro search! cue post-salmon mode amasai slowburn as they travel the world together finding rantaro’s lost sisters. i really need to finish writing search, it’s been four months.

rantaro + kaede (9/10) hhh. oh man. oh geez. amamatsu, huh. amamatsu. i just. think about kaede having a little crush on rantaro after he painted her nails, because he’s so reassuring and patient and observant, and she knows he’s sketchy but she believes in him anyway because he has to be trustworthy, he has to, and then she sees him dead and is at first betrayed, horrified that he was the mastermind, only to realise he wasn’t, and she just killed an innocent person for no reason...

now that that’s out of the way, GOD I LOVE THEM! there are things about this relationship that prevent it from working out in the long term (at least in my opinion) but i don’t even care they have such a lovely dynamic and they look so good together... hhhhh i’m also so into them, just, platonically? god. okay. they just! like they already have that canonical dynamic of like, kaede bringing concerns to rantaro and him reassuring her or providing insight, and it’s so tender! the way he talks to her about miu or kiyo or kiibo (depending on who you choose) is so like, i dunno! he doesn’t judge her for having bad first impressions but at the same time he calmly looks a little more into why they behave the way they do? it’s just sweet! it’s just sweet, and i think rantaro can really help kaede like that, and help her to let her barriers down a little and feel not so pressured to be like, perfect all the time, y’know? to be a leader and take care of everyone 24/7. kaede really needs that.

and kaede! believes in him! she believes in him and looks to him for guidance and that’s so important for rantaro too, just, feeling trusted and knowing someone has faith in him... i really genuinely think kaede would encourage rantaro to keep on looking for his sisters, and urge him to trust other people and believe in himself, and it’s that same thing where she wants him to trust and open up to her and he wants to as well but it’s so difficult.... hhh!!! i think they’re so good!!!!! i just think they’re so good. they would take care of one another.

(the reason why i don’t think they’d be sustainable in the long term is because kaede like, she worries. and not in the way shuichi does? i just feel like she needs more stability and vulnerability than rantaro can actually bring to the table. i think kaede would try so, so, so hard to get rantaro to open up, and try so hard to take care of him and make sure he takes care of himself, and rantaro wouldn’t be putting in the same effort, because he can’t, and i don’t think kaede would blame him for it, but i do think that eventually she’d see it’s not. healthy. and it’s making her upset all the time. and she can’t keep up like this. they hurt me but i love them so much and i live in a world where they’re forever teens and never have to break up.)

also love them platonically! sorry i have amamatsu brainrot at all times but i really do love them as friends! i love rantaro painting kaede’s nails and doing her hair and kaede teaching him a duet on the piano, and she comes to him for advice and he brings her souvenirs and kaede makes sure he’s welcome in the class, and saves him cake after parties... also he calls her a brat and ruffles her hair a lot HEHEHE.

rantaro + maki (9/10) what? what? two people who never interacted and who have almost less interactions than gonta and ryoma do with rantaro? why, tox? why?

... because i’m a simp. that’s the only reason! that’s the only reason. i think they look good together, i’m really weak for maki and rantaro, and that’s the only reason. that’s the only reason! i have a crush on them both and i want to see them interact. there it is. boom. get your “make fun of tox” juice. before i ramble about how much potential they have, i just want you to know how utterly biased i am towards them.

there! that’s out of the way! biases admitted. i think rantaro and maki have the potential to really balance each other out. rantaro is really mellow and maki has a bit of a temper, rantaro is airheaded and maki is focused, rantaro is sociable and maki is closed off. at the same time, though, they like, handshake on a lot of things, y’know? they’re both secretive and distrustful, they both don’t want to let other people get close out of a fear of losing them, they’re both so FUCKING sad please i just want to hold them. i think there’s a lot of potential for them to be like, coming back to hope’s peak late or something, rantaro coming home from a trip and maki coming home from an assassination, and to run into each other and both be curious but also neither of them asks anything because they’ve both got so much to hide...

(that’s actually the exact premise of my amami week day one oneshot, stay tuned, gamers.)

but!! then it happens more often and they start seeing each other a lot more, and slowly they start to get like, a sort of companionship? like they’re not close or anything, but they’re united by their like, distrust of other people. and maybe maki tends to a wound of rantaro’s, or like with tenko tells people to lay off of grilling him, or maybe RANTARO tends to a wound of MAKI’S, or sticks up for her in a conversation. and fuck!! maybe a mission goes wrong and maki is upset and she trusts nobody at this goddamn school (because kaito hasn’t taken her on as his sidekick yet) so she goes to rantaro for, fucking, something, for comfort, and it’s embarrassing and vulnerable and absolutely terrible but he’s so gentle and sweet maki can’t help but let her guard down for just a second. also love the aesthetic of like, rantaro coming home from a trip disheartened and running into maki and she calls him an idiot or something and he just starts crying while maki stands there, not sure what to do, before stepping forward and awkwardly patting his arm FKLDJSFKJd i just think they’re neat. strictly speaking he’s not maki’s type (read: optimistic and stupid) but i love them for each other.

love them as friends! love rantaro to be maki’s go-to friend when she needs her empowering haircut, and them tending to each other’s wounds is not an inherently romantic thing, and they just stick up for each other and vibe... hhhhh.

if none of this happens then idk rantaro is a bit intimidated by maki, and maki thinks he’s unreliable and untrustworthy. that’s probably more likely FLKDJSFKJ BUT I CAN DREAM OKAY? CRIES

rantaro + himiko (9/10) these two are brother and sister, full stop. there’s nothing morally wrong with shipping them, it’s more just that like. i don’t know! himiko is so childish, like, the epitome of a younger sister, and rantaro is the epitome of an older brother... they vibe so hard platonically and then romantically my brain just restarts itself. but anyway!

magic is himiko’s special interest!!!! it means a lot to her and she’s very adamant that it be called magic and not tricks, like, even to the point of slowing down a trial and making herself look guilty in chapter two. i think rantaro is very used to playing along with his sisters’ stuff, and i think he would absolutely humour himiko. and like, they both know it’s not really magic, but it’s the effort that himiko appreciates, and in like, a no-pressure way like rantaro does it? yes please.

i think he would give her piggyback rides. like in chapter five when they’re climbing the stairs to kaito’s lab and himiko goes “someone give me a piggyback ride!” you already know rantaro would be volunteering. (side note: read whattheskyknows’ fic “missing (isn’t always so bad)” because it has that scene and i’m emotional.) i think he’d really take care of her! idk i know i’ve said that about a lot of these but rantaro is very caring. he’d look after himiko and make sure she’s taking her depression meds and carry her to her room when she falls asleep and tell people off when they overwhelm her and hhhh... and himiko would support him too! like with his travels and stuff, she wouldn’t really care about knowing why he’s traveling because it’s not her business and also like, asking about that stuff is a pain, who cares, if he’s gonna travel he’s gonna travel. rantaro would buy her books about magic while traveling and read them to her if she wants, and she would perform magic tricks for him and remind him of what it’s like to have a younger sister again. they matter to me. they should matter to you, too.

rantaro + kirumi (9/10) now i KNOW you weren’t expecting me to put amatoujou any lower, do you know who my favourite person in this fandom is? you are legally obligated to go check out Storyflight’s ao3 and read all of their amatoujou fics because they’re phenomenal and story is too. story ilu. amatoujou week is coming up on october third. participate or die.

anyway! i just think like, in general, rantaro has a lot of respect and appreciation for kirumi. she takes care of everyone! she works so hard all the time and she can really do anything and she’s so composed and calm all the time, and she has this sweet smile and this little laugh and this relaxing, patient energy, and hhhhhhh. rantaro respects her so damn much! so damn much. and maybe he simps a little regardless of whether they’re romantically involved because she works so hard. they get along! pseudo-parents of the group as people always make them. rantaro wants kirumi to kick back every so often, y’know? she matters to him and he’d like to see her being true to herself and enjoying herself. i also think he’s pretty stern with people when it comes to her, and just like, respecting her boundaries, the kinda guy to calmly and casually go, “hey, ouma-kun, she told you not to call her your mother, maybe you’d better respect that?” and kokichi goes “simp” but nevermind nevermind, i’m covering oumami on the next bullet.

idk! i think they’d look after each other! i think rantaro would make sure that kirumi is actually Taking Care Of Herself and of course kirumi would notice him coming in injured all the time and she would absolutely tend to his injuries without asking any questions at all. she would make sure he’s eating and if he requested, she would even tell everyone to Back The Fuck Off on his secrets and leave him alone FKJDSKFj i think she would always emphasise to him that she’ll do whatever she can for him if he so much as asks, as is her duty as a maid or whatever, but rantaro will refuse because like!!! hell’s no, he’s not about to feed into her complex my dude!!!!! but anyway.

i think it would... i just think it would be neat if he told her about his sisters! that’s all. kirumi is a fucking powerhouse, even if rantaro didn’t request it, she would totally help him find all twelve of them and bring them home. honestly? prime slowburn material, just, rantaro requesting that she help find his sisters and they slowly fall in love along the way... hhhhh if i wasn’t a fucking coward i’d write it myself, what a fantastic multi-chapter concept. i am so smart.

rantaro + kokichi (10/10) romantic oumami i go back and forth on but these two are really high at this specific moment in time because i love them SO much platonically, my god.

kokichi is a fucking brat! he’s such a brat, just, an absolute menace, a troublemaker and buffoon. i care him a lot but he’s so tiring to deal with, and if you don’t have the patience it’s hard to like, try and understand him? like with the shorter fuse members of the class (read: kaito and maki) it would be really hard to actually, get to the point where you can see past his bullshit KFJSDLFKJ but rantaro is patient! he’s a patient boy, and he’s hard to menace, and he grew up with twelve younger sisters. twelve!!! he takes care of them, bro, he can handle a little shit gremlin in his life. i think he’d be endeared to kokichi because of this reason, like, the immaturity, it just reminds him of his sisters, and if kokichi pulled out the “onii-chan”... hoo, it’s over. rantaro will do whatever this guy wants. just, a total enabler. absolute goon and enabler. i love them so much.

on a more serious note, they both have a lot of baggage, and similar to harumami it’s like, they’re both really distrustful! they’re distrustful, they just deflect in different ways. i think they’re both observant and intelligent enough that they could bounce off of each other really well. i do think kokichi is a bit smarter than rantaro is, if only just because it’s really hard to be smarter than kokichi, but i still think rantaro could keep up with them. and i think they could be a safe haven for each other! like rantaro gives him a place to truly feel safe, y’know, which is SO rare for kokichi the way he believes everyone is out to get him, and kokichi could give rantaro a place to just, stop smiling. unwind and be himself a little bit. be a little mean! bitch a little! be openly distrustful!

they take care of each other is all!! care them.

rantaro + kaito (20/10) you think you know a simp’s rating system and then she pulls one of these. i’m honestly a little worried about how long this will be because i’ve literally been writing this for three hours but KFJDSKJFDK i’m going to try my very, very best! so here goes :3c

kaito and rantaro have... so much in common. look at these two emotionally constipated, constantly smiling, constantly putting on a brave face, never letting their guard down, never relying on anyone but themselves, always taking care of other people, always taking the burden onto themselves... yeah. it’s like looking in a mirror. and in some cases that’s a really terrible foundation for a relationship. but with these two, when their unhealthy similarities are so reliant upon the other person being willing to just let themself be helped... it works out.

because they’re sweet! they’re sweet people, and rantaro will probably notice the way that kaito takes so much crap from people, including his sidekicks, while working so hard to take care of everyone, and kaito will of Course notice how rantaro is gone all the time, and how he kind of takes himself out of group interactions and makes himself an outcast, and how subtly closed off he is... there’s interest! and they’re both so inclined to help each other i feel like they’d get close! kaito would probably have a bit of a squish on rantaro anyway because he’s the fucking ultimate adventurer and what the hell, that’s so fucking cool, kaito’s destiny obviously lies in the stars but knowing someone who’s going to conquer the earth... that’s awesome. he probably sees rantaro as an equal even before they start getting close. (aka he thinks rantaro is totally above him in every way, like, the ideal almost, but “an equal” is something the luminary of the stars would say, so there he is.) and rantaro thinks kaito is a little silly, but he’s sweet! it’s sweet how much he takes care of other people and just, like, looks after them. rantaro’s weak for a good dork.

and maybe kaito asks rantaro to train with him sometime, or challenges him to a fight, and of course rantaro goes for it because he’s a Man or whatever (and if they do fight it’s homoerotic as hell FKLDSJFK) and plus he’s been meaning to get to know kaito anyway, and then they make a habit of it and start like!! spending time together. and kaito drags rantaro into the larger group and makes him interact and rantaro quietly tells people to lay off kaito, or else makes sure that he’s actually taking care of himself, and then they’re both trying so hard to just, help each other, and they keep like deflecting it back onto the other person, and it’s frustrating! and rantaro is sitting there like “man i really wish momota-kun would open up to me!!” before realising fucking... wait. i do the same thing. like how can he expect kaito to open up to him if he wont do the same thing, y’know? and then he ponders that, and is like, well maybe the relationship just isn’t worth it like vulnerability is for gay losers, but rantaro is, inevitably, a gay loser, so...

there’s just something about seeing your own flaws magnified on another person who you really, really want to take care of, that makes you realise how uncomfortable that is. obviously kaito doesn’t realise he’s upsetting people by pushing them away, not until rantaro closes the door in his face during a breakdown, and then he seriously needs to reevaluate the way he takes care of other people.

idk! i think they’re fantastic. i think kaito’s fervent belief in people would lend itself well to rantaro’s task, like, who doesn’t want to be believed in, y’know? and kaito is so strong about it, even when rantaro doubts himself he’s so encouraging and it’s nice. and rantaro gives kaito space to stop being the hero for a second and just! be kaito! and kaito can tend to his wounds and rantaro can take care of him when he’s sick and hhhHhHhHhhhhHh i care about them SO fucking much.

also? amamota baking sessions? absolutely fucking flawless. these two are so important to me.

hahahaha. sorry for such a long reply, anon. i have a lot of feelings about all of these guys. especially rantaro :) thank you so much for the ask, this was a lot of fun to answer. hope you’re doing well.

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awhiskeyriver · 4 years

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PSST AMELIA (i have hit the level of comfort where i feel i can scream at you, oop) TELL ME UR BETTY THOUGHTS.... also me too, i really wanna write stories based of Taylor's songs all the time. there's a whole subset of tumblr ask game called like, taylor universes, where we personify songs and on God it's my favorite (i wish i had more swifties in my ranks or i'd host one)

LOL, you can always scream at me! Oh man, that sounds seriously so fun! I would love to personify one of her (or all of her, lol) songs and turn them into stories. She has such a vivid way of writing music it begs to be seen in story form, lol.

Okay so....you may regret asking me for my Folklore thoughts, LOL. This is long and it might make absolutely no sense to anyone other than me but I hope that’s not the case!

Obviously **I know this isn’t true and wasn’t Taylor’s point at all** I’m just a writer and things spin out of control in my head and...yeah...basically this is how I’ve managed to link (almost) all of the songs in Folklore together into one story line of James/Betty/August.

The story begins with in the song Betty, towards the end of Junior year, at the prom.

//I know where it all went wrong, your favorite song was playing from the far side of the gym. I was nowhere to be found, I hate the crowds, you know that. Plus, I saw you dance with him.//

I think James has anxiety of some sort [more to come on that later] and in my mind, Betty is more charismatic, maybe even casually popular not in the core group of popular girls but very well-liked and known around the school. Editor of the school paper, ran for student president, etc. Meanwhile James is more low-key, out of the limelight, and the idea of being in such a large crowd dancing gave him anxiety which is why he said no. Seeing her dancing with someone else (even innocently), made him feel worse about himself and his insecurities as well as a little mad at her for not standing with him, but choosing to go dance with friends [‘him’] instead.

So, he left the dance early [walking home on broken cobblestones] when August sees him [when she pulled up like a figment of my worst intention. She said, James get in let’s drive. Those days turned into nights. Slept next to her but I dreamt of you all summer long.]

Personally, I think James only officially cheated on Betty once. The night of the dance with August. August is a more overtly popular; more obvious beauty that is noticed by many boys, maybe a cheerleader, etc. Many people think this popularity instantly equates with happiness, but she’s not happy, actually suffers from self esteem issues and the pressure to conform [Mirrorball: I can change everything about me to fit in]. But James doesn’t ‘oogle’ her or treat her the way typical guys she dates or fucks do, so she’s attracted to him. They kind of bring out this excitement in each other that Betty and the other guys in August’s life don’t. [Mirrorball: I’ll show you every version of yourself tonight. I’ll get you out on the floor- August can pull James out of his shell in ways that Betty can’t]. This is maybe a more “obvious” song link to make, but also how in Mirrorball it’s talked about “spinning in my highest heels love, shining just for you.” And in Cardigan, when Betty is describing August “high heels on cobblestones.”

ANYWAYS. James feels mad guilty about what happened between August and him, swears her to secrecy, but the weight of the secret weighs on him. At the end of the year, he tells Betty he thinks they should take a break over the summer, so they do. August and James continue to talk, first through platforms like Instagram, commenting on a photo or story, then it turns into constant talking, to texting, to hanging out and inevitably having more sex. For James, it’s a vice of sorts. He feels guilty, he wants to forget that feeling meanwhile August is starting to develop Feelings™. [entire song of August, obviously, but lines like “you were never mine.// your back beneath the sun, wishing I could write my name on it. ] To her, James is also developing feelings for her and wants to be with her. [I remember thinking I had you. Wanting was enough, for me it was enough.] But as the summer starts to end, things become more squirrely between the two of them, and the feeling of being James’ side piece starts to sink in more, and the more she begins to lose him, the more desperate she is to hold onto him. [August: cancel plans just in case you call and say meet me behind the mall. Illicit Affairs: Leave the perfume on the shelf that you picked out just for him so you leave no trace behind, like you don’t even exist.// A drug that only worked the first few hundred times.// what started in beautiful rooms ends in meeting in parking lots.]

It comes to a head at the end of (the month of) August, as summer is ending and the new school year is approaching when James tells August he wants to get back together with Betty and what happened between them meant nothing to him. [Betty: Slept next to her but I dreamt of you all summer long.] August is rightfully hurt, embarrassed and angry [Illicit Affairs: Don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby look at this godforsaken mess that you made me. You showed me colors you know I can’t see with anyone else. Don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby look at this idiotic fool that you made me. You taught me a secret language I can’t speak with anyone else.// And you know damn well, for you I would ruin myself a million little times. Peace: All these people think love’s for show, but I would die for you in secret. Mirrorball: When I break it’s in a million pieces.]

So, senior year begins. Betty and James gets back together. August goes back to the way she was previous to her summer with James, but truly she is broken. Can’t even look at him. The guilt and stress of August is still eating at James, but he’s trying to forge ahead with Betty and the two of them grow stronger and closer throughout the first part of the school year. August’s friend, Inez, obviously notices her downfall, but August continues to allude to “the guy she met over the summer” without saying names. One drunken night, she slips and says James, and Inez being the gossip she is is like w h a t. [Peace: Your integrity makes me seem small.// I talk with shit with my friends, it’s like I’m wasting your honor.// And you know that I’d swing with you for the fences, sit with you in the trenches. Give you my wild, give you a child.// Give you my sunshine, give you my best. But the rain is always gonna come if you’re standing with me.] August forgets about the conversation [she was drunk], but Inez doesn’t and can’t help herself but go to Betty and tell the rumor she heard about James fucking August. Betty, being a newspaper editor, doesn’t believe her without gathering up facts. But as she’s piecing things together, Inez’s story begins to make sense. She confronts James about it, who reluctantly admits to everything.

Betty, of course is devastated and heartbroken. The boy she trusted the most, her first love, wasn’t at all who she thought he was. [Cardigan: you drew stars around my scars, but now I’m bleeding.] And the fact that he didn’t just come clean and tell her after the first time, but continued to cover it up (and keep seeing August) is unforgivable. [Cardigan: tried to change the ending, Peter losing Wendy--Betty is ready to grow up, think about college, think about life, meanwhile James is clinging to the excuse that he is ‘only seventeen’ [(Betty) Would you trust me if I told you it was just a summer thing?], refusing to grow up and own his mistakes.

Betty breaks things off with James. James hates August thinking she did it on purpose. Betty hates them both. August kind of does too.

[August- Mad Woman: Every time you call me crazy, I get more crazy and when you say I get angry, I get more angry.]

[Betty- Cardigan: A friend to all is a friend to none, chase two girls lose the one.//When you are young they assume you know nothing.]

After months of being broken up, James is still not over Betty and tries one last time to win her back at her graduation party before she leaves for college. [Betty, I’m here on your doorstep and I planned it out for weeks now but it’s finally sinking in. Betty right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when I see your face again. The only thing I want to do is make it up to you. So I showed up at your party]. The end of the song, where he’s talking about kissing in her car again, etc is him building their makeup up in his mind, psyching himself up for confronting her because he thinks it will all pay off.

Betty is shocked to see him, as is everyone else at the party, they’d become something of a spectacle, she brings him outside in the garden to talk in privacy without everyone interjecting or staring. Jame’s apology comes in ‘This is me trying’ where he’s trying to explain his actions more logically than placing blame on everyone and everything else, from Betty. [I don’t quite know what to say, but I’m here in your doorway. // They told me all of my cages were mental (the fact that he has anxiety, etc) so I got wasted like all my potential//pouring my heart out to a stranger, but I didn’t pour the whiskey (his and August’s first encounter/cheating incident after Prom). But “this is him trying, at least he’s trying...it’s hard to be at a party when [he] feels like an open wound” and quite honestly, “it’s hard [for him] to be anything these days when all [he] wants is [Betty]. It’s a great apology, he wears his heart on his sleeve, but Betty doesn’t want to fix things between him, she wants to move on. It was too difficult for her to get over him once, she can’t open herself up to trusting him again. [Cardigan: I knew you’d linger like a tattooed kiss, I knew you’d haunt all of my what ifs.// I knew you’d miss me once the thrill expired, and you’d be standing in my front porch light.]

Betty leaves for college.

A few years away in college has caused some healing for Betty and some insight into life outside of her small town and high school boyfriend [The One: If you never bleed you’re never going to grow, but it’s alright now]. But when she’s talking with her mom and something comes up about James, thoughts and feeling she hasn’t felt in years come racing back. She can’t help but wonder how things might’ve turned out if things didn’t end how they did because as much as she hates to admit it, she’ll always love James in some way. [We were something, don’t you think so?// if my wishes came true, it would’ve been you.// it would’ve been fun if you would’ve been the one.// I persist and resist the temptation to ask you if one thing had been different (if he hadn’t slept with August) would everything be different today?.// You know the greatest films of all time were never made.] [My Tears Ricochet: And I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I want just not home. And you can aim for my heart, go for blood, but you would still miss me in your bones.]

***Now, things get a little more dicey here not as tight, lol but bear with me***

Betty comes home after graduation from college and runs into James. They’re cordial and nice and when James asks if they can get dinner and catch up, Betty agrees. They have a good evening, reconnect a little, but when they go riding and drive to some familiar places from their childhood, past hard conversations re-arise. It brings a lot of unwelcomed emotions back up in Betty, and she realizes it’s harder than she thought it would be to forgive James. [The One: the greatest films of all time were never made. Exile: I think I’ve seen this film before, and I didn’t like the ending.] Meanwhile, James just wants to forgive and forget the past, after all, they were kids, only seventeen. His hurt comes from the fact that after he tried to patch things up after graduation, not only did Betty dismiss him and leave, but she never reached out or spoke to him again. [Exile: It took you five whole minutes to pack us up and leave me with it. Holding all this love out here in the hall.] He came to the front porch/door to try and fix things with her, and she “left out the side door.”

Betty [My Tears Ricochet: Even on my worst day, did I deserve babe, all the hell you gave me? Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you, til my dying day. // And I still talk to you (while I’m screaming at the sky) and when you can’t sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)// Hoax: My twisted knife, my sleepless night, my winless fight this has frozen my ground.]

Hoax is where things come to a head with Betty and James. [Stood on the cliffside screaming, “Give me a reason. Your faithless love’s the only hoax I believe in. // You knew it still hurts underneath my scars, from when they pulled me apart. But what you did was just dark.]

Mad Woman continues as August finds out that Betty and James get back together, and cannot get over it. She never got over James either. Only her sadness turns to anger. [Now I breathe flames each time I talk. // They say “move on” but you know I won’t.// It’s obvious that wanting me dead has really brought you two together.]

Invisible String comes when Betty and James are in a stable, happy place in their relationship again. Possibly engaged for marriage. [Time, mystical time, cutting me open then healing me fine.// Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire. Chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons. One single thread of gold tied me to you.// Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven.]

And, I like to think that August did eventually move on and found someone who appreciates her and truly loves her, isn’t just using her for revenge, or because she’s hot, or because they’re trying to forget their own problems. But someone who actually values her for herself. (Invisible String: Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart. Now I send their babies presents.)

AGAIN, this is obviously just my own theory/fun. Not meant to be taken seriously. Hope you enjoyed!

#archersandsunsets #i am exhausted now lmao #folklore #t swift #song analysis #writing

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