#i dont think i can mentally student teach | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

levmada · 4 months

Note

PLEASE write about Levi’s mental state, i’m begging you

He’s faced death and precarious situations since he was born, yet he’s still standing strong and hopeful, WHAT THE HELL I LOVE MY SHORT KING

IT'S FINALLY HERE😭im sorry anon i hope you're around to see this and if u are i hope i dont disappoint

the tone in this analysis is so weird because i kept getting caught between 'this is an apa paper no contractions, academic language, double spacing -' and 'this is a tumblr post about a fictional blorbo wtf r u on'

i also use some scientific language i try my best to explain but if this turns anyone off i don't blame them because im unhealthily obsessed

*i'm a third-year undergraduate psychology student w/ a concentration in psychopathology

tw/cw: discussion of childhood exposure to sex (not assault)

Foreword

I’ve been putting this off for a while (I’m forgetful and this topic is intimidating what can I say), but being a year out from graduating with my bachelor’s to become a mental health professional, and being a Levi scholar(/hj), I wanted to give this a shot.

I wanted to dissect and examine Levi Ackerman’s mental health “currently” (as in general canon), and explain as thoroughly but as simply as possible how and why he thinks and acts the way he does.

Seeing how AOT is pretty renowned for leaving out the ‘insignificant’ details, especially character details, a good majority of my assertions and even details of his life are built off of correlations and “signs and symptoms”; meaning some things could be an aspect of Levi’s personality, or a symptom of psychopathology.

I will examine his childhood (especially his childhood), adolescence, young adulthood, and “present” adulthood, with a short summary at the end of where he might be mentally after the war.

*Lastly, I don’t like it when things I say about a series or character are taken as fact or make it implied that someone else’s thoughts are “wrong”. This is partly built on headcanons anyway, which are influenced by my own experiences. Don’t take away from this that this is me telling you what to think.*

Childhood

The most important period of development occurs in infancy and childhood, especially from the ages of 3-6. This is when a child learns where to find security, love, and basic skills, gaining stability as they develop.

Well, Kuchel died when Levi was 4.

Maternal Love / Learning Empathy / Anxious Attachment Style

Levi was born into deep poverty within a violent unwelcoming environment. Basic physical needs must have been very hard to meet (i.e., consistently fed enough, a clean environment, no physical threats). And where Levi was born is like the dictionary definition of a bad environment for a small child, excluding only his mother’s care and love.

As it’s generally understood in canon (and suggested from Levi’s special backstory manga so far) she was a caring parental figure early in Levi’s life that loved him unconditionally. We can conclude that Kuchel did everything within her power to compensate for both parenting Levi alone and shielding him the best she could from his horrible surroundings, teaching the kindness, goodness, and love that Levi would internalize and go on to strive for for his entire life.

As far as we know, no other children lived in the brothel. Socialization is just as important for a young child as receiving love. With this isolation, it’s extremely difficult to learn how to connect to other people, or pick up on social cues. Levi would’ve never learned how to interact properly with his peers—aside from use of aggression and violence which Kenny would go on to instill in him.

With the danger/anxiety imposed by strangers, mostly if not entirely men, he would turn to his mother for comfort all. The. Time.

And she would give him that support and affection of course. This early motherly affection is integral to child development: a child who receives empathy and affection is subliminally taught how to feel and express empathy towards others.

While Levi’s surroundings were dangerous, lonely, and chaotic—traumatizing enough for a toddler or young child—Kuchel provided a safety net from that, so I think that Levi developed an anxious attachment as a child: exhibiting clinginess, excessive fear of abandonment, and an excessive need for security and/or reassurance.

Paternal Trauma / Potential Androphobia

Born and living in a brothel, we can assume that Levi was probably seen as a burden and a mistake by others, especially by men (both the likely majority of her customers and her boss).

AOT ch69; Before the Fall, ch34

This is likely in contrast to the women (those living and working in the brothel like Kuchel). They should know Kuchel if not as friends, then acquaintances who could empathize for her and her son.

There’s an obvious trend here. If Levi is going to feel fear/danger/anxiety because of men, he should have a general aversion to men and-or the behavior of men who he encountered as a child. This is impossible to know for sure or in meaningful detail, but it seemed to be resolved by the time he became an adult if so.

Although Kenny in his words was no more than Levi's teacher, Levi did see him as a father figure.

The subject of Kenny will be expanded on later, but it's clear Kenny in no way resembled a father, who also would go on to abandon Levi (at the age of 11 or so). Children without father figures tend to struggle more emotionally, psychologically, and socially. Specifically, (especially boys) tend to exhibit intimidating/aggressive personas to compensate for resentment, fear, and unhappiness.

Sexual Trauma (Tangent, Probably)

This is unconfirmed but a likely trauma Levi went through: exposure to sex as a child. There’s no way to confirm what he experienced, so I’ll function on ‘probably’s’ and ‘most likely’s’.

Because Levi and Kuchel only lived in one room, other rooms in the brothel should have belonged to other women, and he was at the oldest four, I wager that he was babysat by women who Kuchel knew and/or was made to hide somewhere while she worked, such as in a cabinet.

(for reference)

AOT ch69

The odds are high that he was exposed to the aftermath of sexual violence (i.e., marks seen on his mother), and the sound or smells that have to do with it. That young, he wouldn’t know what it was, but he should have realized later as an adolescent.

In general, children regardless of gender exposed to sexual content usually experience early puberty (which is just as likely for impoverished children, or children who experience chronic high-stress in general); issues with intimacy; become desensitized to high-risk behavior; negative/inaccurate expectations about sex and relationships in the future; influence inappropriate behavior with other children or adults; sex addiction.

This is especially relevant to Levi’s fear of closeness/intimacy in the future. Exposure to sexual situations—possibly not including CSA in his case—very early in life inflicts on a child emotions and stress they don’t have the intellect or reasoning to process or understand. An extreme aversion to interpersonal relationships, especially physical ones, results.

This stress Levi must have felt, being powerless to this happening to his mother, is a different beast. Children aren’t capable of handling high levels of stress, and so the brain will automatically create coping mechanisms: dissociation (a severe form of “zoning out”; observing the self “from the third person”; numbness; the feeling of living in a dream), excessive daydreaming/overactive imagination, symptoms of PTSD (nightmares and terrors; flashbacks; spontaneous activation of fight-flight-freeze associated with anxiety; excessive worrying/fear; loneliness/self isolation). PTSD will also be prevalent in Levi’s later life, which I’ll delve into later.

Inappropriate behavior and sex addiction are also highlights for me because they shouldn’t exist in him based on Levi's personality and behavior throughout the series. In my opinion, Levi ought to associate sex with pain, shame, and violence; he does see it as an ordinary job—a means to an end. He should be desensitized to sex as a concept, but associates it personally with shame, sadness, and pain, possibly feeling disgust towards it. So it is highly likely that Levi in every stage of life following this experienced sexual repulsion (usually associated with high anxiety towards sex), a low libido, or a lack of sexual desire entirely.

From a trauma perspective, he could avoid sexual topics of conversation, sexual settings (i.e., brothels), or an array of things which are sexually suggestive or he as a child possibly associated with sex (i.e., cleavage, panties, specific touch). Similarly, he might avoid direct reminders or have a post-traumatic reaction to them, such as anxiety or flashbacks (i.e., the sound of a bed creaking, the sight of wet clothes).

Importantly, it can be concluded that sexual violence was often exhibited, and the idea would be ingrained in him that sex, like everything else besides his relationship with his mother, is “give-and-take”, “victim-and-attacker”, and learn to be repulsed by intimacy. This impacts his willingness for later friendships and relationships as we’ll see later.

Early Abandonment & Early Exposure to Death

As Kuchel’s health deteriorated, Levi’s sense of security would break down. Availability of shelter, food, and emotional support would be even less secure than before. He might have been providing for Kuchel for some time, even, as it can be gathered that he received little to no help from those around him while she was sick. To whatever length he had to take responsibility and both fear for Kuchel, this would cement a sense of responsibility and guilt in him from the age of just four years old.

He will fail to save her—regardless of the fact that that’s not his responsibility in the first place; a child wouldn’t understand that—and then lose her with nothing he could do to even cushion the blow.

How powerless he must’ve felt. How hopeless. How likely is it that Levi found comfort in joining her? A child his age wouldn’t be able to comprehend death, basing our understanding on Piaget’s theory of cognitive development. To summarize, at the age of six or seven, children aren’t capable of complex, abstract thought like death or the finality of it. But Levi had to learn early.

AOT ch69

This will be center in his “clean-freak” tendencies later.

Adolescence

Most of this section is going to be rather vague again, but we already got the bulk of that over with in childhood!

Emotional Train Wreck / Lack of Identity

It’s hard to notice if you’re not paying attention, but in every scene we’re shown with Levi after his mother dies but before Kenny leaves, he’s wearing some variation of his mother’s one dress styled into a shirt. He loves her endlessly, even or especially in death. And part of cherishing her memory, to him, should’ve been taking after her as much as he could.

That’s how to explain why he didn’t become a cruel person (Kenny for instance) as he grew into a teenager, even though much of Levi’s outlook and behaviors come from him (ch57).

The more pertinent question is how extreme violence, reinforcement of the idea that that violence is power, and Kenny’s total (or most likely total) lack of communicated emotional connection affected him.

Levi would still desperately want that connection deep down, especially with his mother gone. This is a major reason why Levi sought to get stronger to please Kenny. For chronically abandoned people, that continues into adulthood and even beyond. A hole inside which can't be filled.

AOT ch69

Chronic loneliness—like I explained before—basically explains his aloof nature and awkward disposition. It’s not that Levi feels as detached as he looks, but he doesn’t know how to express himself or open up. He wouldn’t learn how to process his emotions, let alone talk about them. He’s basically emotionally stunted and immature in impersonal relationships (between friends and especially in regards to intimacy).

The Underground’s environment also makes him socially awkward, rude, of course stoic/not very expressive, and blunt. Levi was forced to become extremely observant of people to suss out their intentions, remaining vigilant of his surroundings at all times.

Levi doesn’t even get affection in any sense anymore. He doesn’t get a hug or a pat on the back, and he certainly doesn’t get a shoulder to cry on.

If anything, Kenny would punish him for showing weakness. Vulnerability is weakness; weakness is death.

What results is a continuous and boundless sense of emptiness inside that can’t be filled. He’s plagued by a chronic sense of unbelonging and loneliness. There’s no time or opportunity to develop “normally” as an adolescent. Socialization is limited at best; thinking of his place in the world is irrelevant when his one and only most pressing goal is survival; he doesn’t get to explore hobbies or interests.

OCD Propensity

One “interest” Levi is passionate about is cleaning, at least. Disease is what caused his mother to die. The easiest cause to point to would be their disgusting surroundings (although, Kuchel was infected by a customer). It is canon that Levi’s love of cleaning comes from "his personal experiences". In that interview, Levi first specifically references the important of fighting disease.

In other words, his "clean freak" nature comes, primarily, from the death of his mother: Filth -> disease -> death, and abandonment by extension.

His mother would’ve encouraged him to keep their room clean. There were times he or she had to have come down with something and dirtiness was the cause. On top of Kenny’s enforcement to keep up “clean” appearances to garner respect from everyone else in the Underground.

This in particular is extremely relevant to his mental health. When someone feels out of control of what is happening to them, especially in a recurring way, and especially as a child who doesn't yet know how to feel stable in an unstable environment, they look for something to control. It can be weight, bodily functions (blinking, breathing, etc), dominance over others, or cleaning, for instance.

Fear of disease, the urgent need to have control, and the basic need for stability makes it obvious that Levi would become obsessed with cleaning. And moreover, developing OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I’ll go deeper into this diagnosis later.

Lack of Self Worth

Despite the acknowledgment throughout canon that he trusts in his own strength, it wasn’t always that way.

Canonically, Levi sought praise from Kenny by showing his strength because that was the only thing he received praise for. The conclusion Levi came to once Kenny left him was that he wasn’t strong enough (wasn’t good enough) to warrant staying with him.

In conjunction, Levi’s first conclusion was that he did something wrong, not that Kenny possibly had some obligation that forced him to leave the Underground, pointing again to his own lack of self-worth.

This scenario created a complex in him, the very root cause of Levi’s pain, the very foundation of what Levi would go on to prioritize in adulthood. If he isn’t useful to those he wants not to abandon him, he’s worthless. He’s only useful when he shows his strength. Every other aspect of him like his interests is either irrelevant or bland by default in his eyes.

He would go on to make it his mission to try his best to be good enough in order to save and protect the lives of others, but foremost those he cares about.

Young Adulthood

Our first exposure to Levi as an adult is in A Choice with No Regrets, his OVA/backstory.

(By the way, I’ll be basing this analysis off a mix of the manga and the OVA.)

Emotional Immaturity/Affective Dysregulation

Generally, Levi’s defining negative character trait as a young adult is his emotional immaturity/anti-social behavior. Yes he’s grumpy and rude which is always indicative of him, but he’s very quick to anger, too. He cursed at the Squad Leader who offended him (by assuming that because he, Isabel, and Farlan are from the Underground, they’d be dirty), and argued furiously with Farlan that he would kill Erwin—not because it was required for the job, but because he disrespected him—for a few examples.

ACWNR ch2

He tended to be arrogant, too. Such as when he ultimately called a Scout who had experience with the Titans stupid for telling Levi to hold his swords in a certain way. He spoke to every officer the same as he would anyone on the street, having a remarkable lack of basic respect for authority. He was insistent on distancing himself from the entire setting and structure of the Scouts as much as possible, both to not get attached, and he found their mission childish/foolish.

He’s rather selfish. There is nothing Levi cares about genuinely more than Isabel’s and Farlan’s lives and the job that will set them up with a good future. Farlan’s advice is the only one’s he takes and the only judgment outside himself that he considers, such as when Farlan asks him to not cause trouble with authority to keep a low profile, but even then he acts stubborn. Levi trusts nobody wholeheartedly except himself (until later in ACWNR).

There’s a cognitive dissonance in him. Growing up, and still as a young adult, Levi’s headspace is marked by fear and uncertainty, with his power as his source of confidence. The first time he kills a Titan (with Isabel and Farlan), he uses too much gas because he refuses to potentially risk his friends’ lives; when the expedition is upcoming, he abruptly tells Farlan and Isabel to find a reason to stay back, and that he’ll complete the dangerous part of the job on his own.

Levi is full of repressed fear and uncertainty. He hides and/or buries all of it for the sake of self-preservation both emotionally and physically.

Antisocial Personality…?

It’s extremely interesting how a character as selfless, heroic, and empathetic as Levi exhibits antisocial symptoms. I’d even argue that if his childhood was spent entirely without his mother figure, then he might be a dictionary definition of ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder).

People with this disorder live day-to-day under the constant assumption that whoever is around them is “out to get them”/searching for a weakness to exploit. Humanity is made up of only prey and predators; morals are completely subjective, perpetuated by the society that surrounds them. This constant need to defend oneself, the effect of the exact trauma the potential sociopath experienced, combined with a muted emotional spectrum, results in a complete disregard of everything, including people outside of themself. They might believe they’re entitled to comfort or admiration, but overall, they’re intensely self-serving, often aggressive, and ruthless.

Because Levi for instance learned to rely on violence both for “love” and survival, then he might fall on violence to manipulate a person or situation into serving himself. I see reason to believe that Levi could have grown into worse than Kenny’s image if it weren’t for his mother’s influence.

However, the greatest cause for deniability is Levi’s wide emotional spectrum (especially including empathy and shame), while a lack of shame is the most significant marker of ASPD . (It is arguably one of many testaments to his strength that a victim of so much suffering, violence, and cruelty could become a man as empathetic as him.)

However, these tendencies may still be relevant: A sense of arrogance—both to the way Levi thinks of some who he perceives as weak and live without good morals—lacking issue with using deceit or violence to attain a goal, and living outside the rule of authority.

I go into more detail about this idea here.

Conclusion

As is true in general, there’s very little to say of mental development once someone has reached their early–mid-twenties. What we know of Levi’s young adulthood does reinforce his fear of abandonment, but he finds a cause where his strength and compassion can be “put to good use” and give to him a life that is worth living.

Conclusion: the ‘Present’/Diagnoses Overview

C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Levi’s emotional dysregulation (i.e., inability to sit with and process negative emotions), his difficulties in relationships, insomnia, negative worldview, absent sense of self, and finally, his persistent sense of unworthiness/worthlessness are all indicative of C-PTSD. It’s distinct from PTSD in that he didn’t endure one short-term traumatizing event, but he grew up surrounded by trauma and saw it as normal (e.g., gang violence, extreme poverty, death of a parent, (more presumably) physically and emotionally abusive parental figure). Levi as a child developed no understanding of a nurturing, secure environment.

Negative/Absent Sense of Self

I’ve talked about this at length already, but it’s worth noting how Levi’s perception of himself must have changed when it was revealed that he is extremely strong physically not from his own efforts as much, but because he’s an Ackerman.

His self-confidence and self-worth have always been built on the foundation of his strength. He’s useful if he’s strong, so he’s worthy if he’s strong. Along with the extreme high pressure his goal to kill Zeke put on him in season four, he might have gone to extreme measures to compensate for his strength he might have felt was “unearned” (such as excessive exercise for example). This is an aside, but it was a blow to him for sure.

Emotional Dysregulation

The causes of emotional dysregulation generally which he experienced are as follows: early childhood trauma, feelings ignored, judged, or invalidated at a young age, and physical and emotional child neglect. Beyond his first four years of life with his mother, Levi experienced all these things (early exposure to sex and likely exposure to domestic violence aside).

It’s important to focus on emotional neglect specifically, when any and all perceived “weakness”, no matter how small, is unacceptable to Levi. He will never ask for help (being independent to a fault), he can’t define or process his emotions, and it doesn’t occur to him—and it could be a shock—when he learns that his friends care about him, not him insofar as how useful he is.

As an adult, Levi appears to be emotionally mature, but I argue that this isn’t the case. It’s more accurate to say that he has better control over his emotions (in that he buries them or ignores them) with a mature outlook because of all his experiences with suffering.

Similarly, he’s not outwardly emotional not because he’s antisocial (as related to ASPD, not introversion), but because he’s so “emotionally constipated” that he’s numbed the vast majority of the time.

Relationship Issues + Fear of Abandonment

Because of his fear of abandonment and impaired emotional intelligence in close relational conflict, he’s extremely passive and/or passive aggressive. In order to avoid potential abandonment, he doesn’t go out of his way to win major arguments��such as threatening to break Erwin’s legs if he didn’t stay away from the expedition in season three, but ultimately giving in. He’s also more likely to sneak petty insults into arguments, give “silent treatment”, slam doors, etc. His kindness and exceptional empathy shouldn’t let him be physically or overly violent.

These are likely additions to why Levi doesn’t foster many close relationships.

Fittingly, as a child I thought that Levi might have had an anxious attachment style (clingy, excessive need for security), but as this possibility for security was removed entirely, and he was taught to not rely on others, he would develop more of an overt avoidant attachment in adulthood in combination (fearful-avoidant): making very few emotional demands—even though he has needs—withdrawing when there’s conflict, acting aloof yet fearing abandonment, having difficulty expressing emotions he feels intensely, and fear of depending on someone else.

Anxiety

His cool-headedness even in the heat of battle/war (other factors like experience aside) is exactly what you would expect from someone diagnosed with C-PTSD; he’s accustomed to chronic high-stress. But small stressors (i.e., a change of plans) are overwhelming and make him quick to anger/excessive annoyance.

OCD

Emotional dysregulation is also closely associated with OCD.

OCD is much much more than being concerned with keeping clean or organized. OCD is an anxiety disorder composed of anxiety-related obsessions and compulsions, such as frequent and disturbing thoughts or images (intrusive thoughts). These attempt to be managed through rituals (i.e., handwashing, counting in patterns). Although symptoms will fluctuate with anxiety, OCD at its baseline is a distressing disorder.

Since he was young, Levi should have had an incessant need to be in control at all times. A shining example of this is his mother’s death, an incident he couldn’t control but included dirtiness/disease as a cause he could pinpoint, so this anxiety with dirtiness becomes a major obsession, and the compulsion is cleaning. (Putting aside the fact that Levi enjoys cleaning by itself too.)

It’s a widely-held belief that if Levi has OCD, it’s contamination OCD, as it specifically has to do with an obsession with dirtiness and a compulsion in cleaning (i.e., damaging handwashing, ritualized bathing that may take hours). However, based on the multitude of times Levi was covered in blood and remained unbothered by it (Titan and human), and in fact the obsession’s lack of relevance entirely during urgent missions/situations, contamination OCD is simply not plausible. Instead, it’s general OCD.

There’s no way to know for sure, but I don’t see his OCD as mild or severe. Levi is an extremely orderly and balanced person, so it can be concluded he must have things done a certain way, routinely, organizational, or planned; when the dirtiness is “negative” (i.e., Titan blood, blood on a knife he used to kill Isabel’s attackers), he is never more rigid with cleanliness; it’s probable he suffers intrusive thoughts (likely of the violent nature), a fear of contamination, and/or counting ritualistically, but the most obvious compulsion is cleaning. He might have sensory issues, such as disgust if he happens to brush shoulders with a stranger; aversion to particularly bright lights, irrational rage towards “mouth sounds” (i.e., chewing, coughing, swallowing), etc.

EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified)

Levi should have a complicated relationship with food to say the least.

In the realm of eating disorders, EDNOS is sort of a catch-all term when an individual doesn’t qualify for the diagnostic criteria of anorexia or bulimia, and it encompasses lesser-known eating disorders like Pica. It’s the most common diagnosis for clinical eating disorders.

I already covered how integral the early years of life are, and beginning at a young age, if children aren’t given a basic need like food, and they must seek out food on their own, it becomes an anxiety deeply rooted in the brain regardless of how well-fed they are when they’re older. There will always be an urge to have food available. Levi’s years in the Underground were spent either actively starving, or going about every single day having acquiring food as top priority. He was a young adult when he left, so it’s impossible to unlearn this (without extensive therapy, which Levi doesn’t seek). It’s similar to compulsions found in OCD: even though he logically knows that there will be a dinner after lunch, it’s impossible to put aside this worry.

That may mean always having food stashed, eating too much—especially in his early years Aboveground when he’d eat as much food in a day than he’d eat in a week Underground— stealing food, or eating way too quickly (as someone who lived in a place where food was considered something of a luxury resource and threatened being stolen at any time).

The latter factor contributes to Levi’s suggested preference to only eat alone—joining the fact that Levi only eats with Erwin after expeditions. Eating in front of others should be considered a weakness to him.

As time passes with this easy access to food, combined with his extremely narrow sense of what makes him “good enough”, his relationship with eating may become toxic. Especially when the stakes of his worthiness are so high—literally life and death. He may think that he’s privileged to eat at all, and when he feels worthless, he restricts himself from that “privilege”.

He may be so accustomed to the feeling of hunger, that it doesn’t immediately register with his mind when he is hungry.

Lastly, he may have a generally low appetite. This is often associated with depression, but depression is comorbid with C-PTSD.

Misc.

Some tangents/miscellaneous speculation about Levi’s psychology:

Queer?

Sexuality is formed and shifts due to a wide variety of factors, which most if not all are terribly understudied: genetics, hormones, and your environment/experiences. So again, my speculation.

With his fear of close relationships and negative experiences with sex, I think he should land somewhere on the queer spectrum, specifically under the asexual or aromantic umbrella (i.e., pansexuality/being panromantic (attraction to personality) and demisexuality/being demiromantic (attraction only to those he has an emotional connection to)).

MDD

The odds of Levi having MDD (major depressive disorder/clinical depression) are iffy. Most if not all of the symptoms are comorbid with childhood trauma and C-PTSD: Such as persistent apathy, guilt, and/or discontent; sleeping too much or too little; lack of energy; reduced or heightened appetite; irritability.

Oftentimes, depression, C-/PTSD, and related mental illnesses cause unexplained physical pain, such as back pain and occasional tension headaches. “Stress hormones” like adrenaline are built-up in the body, and usually persist without physical therapy and-or medication (Disclaimer this mention is based on nothing more than Levi always standing with at least one hand on his hip).

Body Language

Similar can be said of his body language from a cognitive perspective. The vast majority of the time, Levi has himself closed-off in some way, usually by crossing his arms to protect his chest; a subconscious barrier between oneself and another person.

Also see this official art of Levi asleep.

Afterword

We’ve known it’s not just Levi’s physical strength and skill that makes him the strongest, right? It should take immense mental strength to make it day-by-day dealing with the trauma and issues that he does, but not only has he survived and continues to, but he lives heroically, selflessly, with the wellbeing of everyone around him as a top priority. He buries all of his pain by moving forward always and without exception regardless of how painful the present is. Living with “no regrets” should in mental respects be a guise for pushing his trauma down, too; there’s just no words that can properly do Levi’s resilience justice.

Part of me wants to go into detail about his later adulthood, but given how very little we know (right now), I think it’d be too speculative.

However, based on what we have seen at the ending of AOT, it’s comforting to know and plain to see that Levi wasn’t defeated when he “lost” the reason to be so strong, and even his strength itself; he didn’t lose his love for his friends nor of life.

In middle age, based on Erikson’s psychosocial stages, the conflict that should enter Levi’s life is the idea of generativity versus stagnation. He seems satisfied with his life despite the negative effects of all he went through—grief, physical disability, inevitable mental scarring—and he’s still concerned with helping others, especially the younger generation in a world after the overwhelming devastation that was the Rumbling.

My speculated psychopathologies/diagnoses of Levi:

C-PTSD (insomnia prevalent)

OCD (contamination obsessions)

EDNOS

#levi aot #snk levi #levi ackerman #levi attack on titan #captain levi #captain levi ackerman #aot levi #aot levi ackerman #attack on titan levi #aot meta #levi heichou #rivaille heichou #levi rivaille #rivaille ackerman #lance corporal rivaille #levi snk #levi.thoughts #aot #attack on titan

251 notes · View notes

wangxianficfinder · 6 months

Text

Fic finder

~*~

1. I'm looking for a fic that's during the Cloud Recesses study arc where, WWX I think, found out Wen Chao couldn't read and started teaching him. I think a couple of the other kids started helping him, MianMian maybe? I can't remember much but they definitely helped him learn how to read and became friends. TIA

FOUND? Wei Wuxian’s Super Special Super Secret Book Club by Anonyma (T, 31k, WWX & WC & LQY, WangXian, Canon Divergence)

~*~

2. hello!! All good? I'm looking for a collection of one shots, and I can't find it, I read it a little while ago but I remember a one shot, where Jiang Cheng and Wei Ying were discussing the fact that Wei Ying had saved the heirs of the sects in cave and Jin Ling was listening and Wei Ying was saying that if he hadn't saved the heirs Jin Ling wouldn't exist and Jiang Cheng said something like, Whatever.... Honestly, I don't even remember the tags, but Jiang Cheng and Wei Ying realizing that Jin Ling had heard, Wei Ying asks what Jin Ling wants. @sweettiebah

FOUND! 🔒 Chapter 11: Careless Words of Short Prompts by Vrishchika (JL POV - Not JC Friendly - WWX loses his patience)

~*~

3. Hello !! Ive read this fanfic a while ago and I have multiple ss of it since i like to save memorable parts of the fic but now i cant remember it anymore </3 i dont remember the synopsis but there was a scene where Lwj and Wwx were in an inn while out night hunting, and wwx suspected the person serving them to have poisoned lwj, wwx got really angry and threatened the guy to the max

quote:

Wei Wuxian slammed him against the wall again, cutting off his rapid ramblings and jostling his fractured arm. "Your stories bore me," he spoke lowly, peering his head around slightly so as to almost look into Heng She's face. He still had yet to acknowledge Lan Wangji's presence. "Tell me why you poisoned the tea, or I will hang you in the street by your intestines, ripped open to let the crows feed on your liver." @jingyisbff

FOUND! let me sing to you by greybird_crookedbranch (T, 61k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, adorable Juniors, Minor Original Character(s)for plot purposes, Minor Violence, Demonic Cultivation, resentful energy, Trauma, Guilt, Protectiveness, BAMF WWX, Hurt wwx, Protective WWX, Protective LWJ, Baby Lans, Mental Instability, Possession, it's a case fic but the case is for the hurts, Angst with a Happy Ending, POV LWJ, a tasteful seasoning of Yunmeng Bros Reconcilliation, CQL canon except LWJ is not chief cultivator, Nightmares)

~*~

4. Hello! T__T I have my focus mode on so my distracting apps like twitter (x) are paused. I took a 5 minutes break and opened it. I saw a threadfic of Bottomji/Topxian (Omegaverse) They already have 3 kids (Yuan, Twins) but they are all alphas. lwj wants a daughter (or an omega son). He rode wwx that night then let him knot him for 3x. They were on a date and lwj bought some robes for a girl the confronts wwx that he wants a daughter.... Thats all Ive read. I want to read the whole thread but my app closed. 💔 Can you guys help me with it? I cant find it anymore.

FOUND! sounds like this twt threadfic by @/omegawangji

~*~

5. Hi, I need help finding a fic I’m pretty sure I’ve seen recommended on here a couple years ago.

I don’t remember the title or the author. It was on AO3. It was an Alternative Universe fic where WWX is an art student (and lived in a dorm with the Wen siblings) and LWJ has a very active but discreet sex life. WangXian know each other but they’re not together. Eventually they start sleeping with each other (WWX doesn’t realize LWJ actually likes him and he’s not just another hookup). There is also a secondary plot about one of LWJ’s past hookups stalking and tormenting them at a club or party at some point? T

his is all I can remember, unfortunately. I hope to reach someone who knows which fic this is by asking on here. WangXian nation, do your thing! 🙏

FOUND? show me a quiver, give me tonight by spookykingdomstarlight (E, 115k, wangxian, lwj/others, communication failure, mutual pining, artists, demisexual wwx, angst w/ happy ending) It doesn't match exactly but some details do

~*~

6. For fic finder, a fic I read a good while back.

It was one of those “jgs magically spies on the burial mounds to get people to hate wwx and the remnants” but in this one wwx and lwj did the “a-yuan is birthed from wwx” thing and the people spying believe it. Lqr passes out for a bit and lxc and jc start planning a wedding since lwj apparently deflowered wwx. I think it was completed

FOUND! Assumptions by draechaeli (T, 50k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Mainly Novel with a few CQL and Donghua bits, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Adoption, Adoption but WWX birthed them all, not mpreg, Not Established Relationship, Fluff, Canon-Typical Violence, Fix-It, gender non-conforming titles)

~*~

7. Hello! Here's one I've read a dozen times and would swear I have bookmarked, but now I can't find it. Basically, LZ is a courtesan/assassin who's sent by JGS to seduce and kill the powerful Yiling Patriarch. Meng Yao is working with LZ, although he has his own plans against JGS, of course. WWX later realizes LZ's brother is alive and looking for him, so he brings them together. (By the way, are you thinking of adding a Courtesan compilation? There are plenty of good ones to rec!) Thank you! @ladysalieri (we don't have a courtesan au specific comp but we do have a royalty one that includes a few! ^^ - Mod C)

FOUND! out to get you (to get you) by iliacquer (E, 41k, wangxian, graphic depictions of violence, switching, top/bottom LWJ, top/bottom WWX, power play, courtesan LWJ, assassin LWJ, dark lord WWX, bondage, happy ending, past slavery)

~*~

8. Hello i am looking for a fic where modern lwj time travels to the canon era and becomes original lwj, in the fic he is betrothed to yilling patriarch wy who sends him letters, and wy becomes more desperate and insane because lwj doesn't answers his letters. @ahiku-chan

FOUND? if this is a dream, i pray to never wake up by dangodangomilk (M, 27k, WangXian, Marriage, Weddings, Engagement, Canon Divergence, Parallel Universes, YLLZ WWX, false amnesia, Implied/Referenced Sex, Fluff and Angst, Sexual Content)

~*~

9. hello! i'm looking for a fic from lwj's pov. he runs into wwx (dark) in yiling i think, after burial mounds but before his new body. lwj is horrified by how bad he looks and convinces him to go to an inn (wwx mean), they have sex. during this lwj realizes that wwx's bones are all broken from his fall in the burial mounds and he is holding them stable with resentful energy. he can't heal them, but the resentful energy is working as a stopgap. possibly of it's own volition? bittersweet? thx! @saydams

~*~

10. Hello!! I love this blog, where I find fics to read!! A few days ago, I asked someone to find me a fic, but I'm here again because I remembered med and another fic that I loved reading, but currently can't find.

The things I remember: Wangxian has an spiritual connection, which is why the golden core transfer does not occur (and it is qing who informs Wei Ying of the connection, as Madam Yu knew and gave tea to undo the connection but it did not work ) and if I'm not mistaken Yanli is the one who told Wei Ying that the spiritual connection no longer exists (which is obviously wrong)

If you can't find it, I ask you to recommend something similar.

Thank you ❤💛🖤 @sweettiebah

FOUND! Half of my soul by Asphodel_Meadow (T, 8k, wangxian, Canon Divergence, No Golden Core Transfer, Fix-It, 5+1 Things, kinda soul bond but with their golden cores, POV Outsider, POV Alternating)

~*~

11. Hi, im looking for a fic where when Wei Wuxian was dead others tried to flirt with Lan Wangji. I remember one of the scenes where Shizui was walking to the jingshi and overherd someone (a cousin of Lan Jingyi?) trying to flirt with Lan Wangji. I think it was a 5+1 type of deal. No matter the way i word it, i cant find it. I`ve been looking on and off for months. @herebedragons02

FOUND? Criteria by incendir (T, 10k, LSZ & LWJ, WangXian) Criteria from the Resolutions series! I've reread ot enough to know that description on site

~*~

12. I hope you don't mind me asking, i'm looking for a wangxian fic where there is a scene that takes place in the cloud recesses where jiang cheng injures nie huaisang and nie mingjue almost declares war on the jiang sect. Thats as much as i remember I hope it's enough to go on. If it helps any it was either a Jiang Cheng bashing fic or a Jiang Family bashing. / Hi i'm looking for a Jiang Cheng or Jiang Family Bashing fic (can't remember which it was) where Nie Huaisang gets severely injured by Jiang Cheng and Nie Mingjue almost declares war on the Jiang Sect. Thank you. @hanabichan2018

FOUND? Ad Oblivione by Baph, HikariNoHimeWriter (M, 70k, WangXian, Time Travel Fix-It, Temporary Character Death, Canon-Typical Violence, POV Multiple, Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Identity Reveal, Golden Core Reveal, Cultivation World Critical, Not JC Friendly, Abusive YZY, Angst with a Happy Ending)

FOUND? A Future Family In A Broken Past by Hauntcats (T, 121k, wangxian, Not JIang Family Friendly, Not Cultivation World Friendly, WWX Needs a Hug, Family Dynamics, What is a good family?, Fear of emotions does not excuse abuse, Not Jiang Clan Friendly, Angst with a Happy Ending, Time Travel Fix-It, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon Divergence, LXC needs a hug, Everyone Needs A Hug, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Not YZY Friendly)

~*~

13. Hello I’ve been looking for this fic but I cannot find it I remember seeing it before it’s where in order to survive the burial mounds WY exchanges his heart which changes how he acts and then at the end JC, JYL, LWJ and NH decide to go to the burial mounds to see what happened to WY

FOUND?🔒 between the shadow and the soul by Reverie (cl410) (M, 22k, wangxian, JYL/WQ, JC/NHS, Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Family, Dark WWX, Feral WWX, Memory Loss, Magic, Magical Realism, Protective LWJ, Protective JC, Protective JYL, Grief, BAMF WWX, POV Alternating)

~*~

14. Hi! For next fic finder, could you help me find a modern wangxian au with combination of arranged marriage, marriage of convenient (i think it is), and contract marriage. YZY arranged a marriage between WWX and LWJ for a bussiness cooperation. WWX agreed to that so he can get away from the Jiang (especially YZY) and to make his own carrier. Then LWJ and WWX make a contract to make the marriage last until 2 years and decided if they want to keep the marriage or not. I think LWJ playing his guqin and WWX is used to that and when 2 years almost up, WWX didnt want to get divorce. The fic is focused about them getting to know each other. I think thats all i can remember. I read that in 2021 so the detail is kinda patchy. If you dont know the fic at least a confirmation that im not the only one that ever read this. Thank you! @idontknowwhattowriteforusername

Hi, im #14. Unfortunately its not the fic that iam searching for. The one that iam serching for focused on wangxian, other characters barely appears. Even the jiangs only gets mentioned. Wwx didnt work for Jiang, i think he is graphic design freelancer? The agrement for divorce is between the two of them, their family didnt know about their agreement. They choose how long they stay together before divorce after they think that the project between their family is finished so their divorce wont effect the project. WWX even has a plan after their divorce to open his own office. If i remember corectly, WWX realize he didnt want to get divorced is a few days before the day of their divorce. Like he is in his room and thinking that after their divorce, he cant listening to LWJ playing his guqin and spend their days together and he didnt want that.

I really hope i didnt mix several fic together. Thank you!

NOT FOUND! you're the only thing i think i got right by sandustorms (lucianclouds) (M, 48k, wangxian, Arranged Marriage, Falling In Love, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Domestic, Married Life, Eventual Smut, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, do you remember that fake reddit post abt the guy that fell for his husband, that he was arranged to be married to, that was kind of what inspired this, Happy Ending, Modern, Strangers to Lovers, Romance)

~*~

15. Hello Mods, hope you are having a good day (^ ω ^)

This is for the fic finder and I'm not quite sure about this so just to be safe I don't want to upset anyone so

Trigger Warning! Trigger Warning! Trigger Warning!

This is what I remember: WWX is roofied or SA'ed in the Cloud Recesses ( I don't remember if that is shown) and there's a lot about how he handle it (denial? minimizing? disassociation?), and LWJ is there, he didn't do it, he is good, and anti-victim-blaming? if that makes sense?

FOUND? obscura: ink stain by AvoOwO (M, 20k, wangxian, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, Canon Divergence, Emotions, Heavy Angst, Painting, Temporary Amnesia, Drugs, Drug Use, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Drink Spiking, Victim Blaming, LWJ Has Feelings, LWJ Has a Crush, Soft wangxian, Holding Hands, Blood and Violence, Good Sibling JC, Protective JC, WWX is a Mess, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Politics, Protective LXC, Good Sibling LXC, Good Uncle LQR, LQR Tries, OCs, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, WWX Needs a Hug, someone gets punched a lot, LWJ contemplates murder for a moment, JC almost gets it done, not quite about romance, as much as romance elements there, more so about the small things, LWJ loves how WWX smells, some nasty things are said, WWX def needs a nap, he gets one dw, LQR Gets Shit Done, NHS Is A Little Shit, Scheming NHS)

~*~

16. Hi! For fic finder, I am looking for a short-ish fic where Jin Ling learns that Wei Wuxian is the one who named him “Rulan.” Jin Ling then realizes he is named after the Lans, and he has a teenage meltdown about how he is named after his uncle’s crush. Does this sound familiar? Thank you, everyone, for all your help! @gloriousclotpole

FOUND! three days gone by occultings (microcomets) (G, 4k, JL & WWX, WangXian, Post-Canon, Family Bonding, Homophobic Language, Fluff) there may be a few fics that fit, is it maybe the one where jin ling and jiang cheng are reading sect letters together, and jin ling got mad about being called "rulan"? so far i found another fic, ig it's "similar" since jin ling's only mad for one sentence, but i thought to link it anyway

~*~

17. Hi! I'm looking for a fic, but i only remember a specific scene from it: wwx and the wens on the horses and it's raining and lan zhan lets them go, but then i guess granny wen says go back and get him, and when they return, lan zhan is soaking wet and she says something along the lines of 'dramatic young people'. Thank you so much!

FOUND? Turn Around by mondengel (Not rated, <1k, wangxian, humor)

~*~

18. Hi, I'm looking for an AU WIP fic where WWX has to wear a mask; nobody but family is allowed to see his face. He and LWJ have an arranged marriage, but LWJ still refuses to let him take his mask off, and doesn't make any effort in the marriage. Very soon after they are married, he takes Wen Qing as a concubine, without explaining anything to WWX. WWX moves to a house near Lotus Pier, and there is a bit about him adopting children, but I can't remember how that came about... Thank you! @godiva696

FOUND! Sounds like the deleted "A price to pay" by wangxianist.

Not FOUND! sounds sorta like shana's identity porn fic here on tumblr

~*~

19. Hello! 😃 I hope you can help me find this fic that I have been looking for!

I only remember that Wei Wuxian gets reunited with the sect leader of the Yu sect,(she is basically his grandma I think) and he get very emotional, it is also at a discussion conference or something like that, it is a very sweet/happy scene.

thank you 😊

NOT FOUND!🔒补救; to remedy, to do something to correct or improve something that is wrong by ravenditefairylights (G, 21k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Fluff and Angst, Healing, JC & WWX Reconciliation, Getting Together, Everybody Gets Their Shit Together, Family Feels, Teacher WWX, Soft WWX, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Crying, Marriage Proposal, Assassination Attempt(s), Family Bonding, soup as a metaphor, Meishan as a metaphor, Twin Prides of Yúnmèng Feels, Forgiveness, BAMF WWX, Assassin WWX) i'm not positive this is it, but has a scene like that

Not FOUND And Time Is But a Paper Moon by sami (M, 139k, WangXian, XiChengQing, Time Travel, Fix-It, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Healing, Mental Health Issues, PTSD, Hurt/Comfort, Depression, BAMF WWX, BAMF JC, BAMF LWJ, BAMF JYL, Getting Together) has a wwx-Sect Leader Yu relationship a bit like that? They meet up in Meishan, though, it's not a conference

Not FOUND The Housewife's Guide to Causing Chaos by dvasva (M, 127k, WIP, WangXian, Canon-Typical Violence, Functionally Trans Character, Mild Sexual Content, Domestic Fluff, Love Confessions, Transphobia, Good Parents LWJ and WWX, Pining, WWX is a Tease, Grief/Mourning, Body Dysphoria, Fake Marriage, Canonical Character Death, Misunderstandings, Doting LWJ, Canon Divergence, Arranged Marriage, WWX is not in MXY's body, Misgendering, Mild Angst, Assumptions, Comedic Elements, non-sexual nudity, Blood, Discussion of Various Bodily Functions, Cloud Recesses Shenanigans, 4 years of mourning instead of 13, Méishān Yú Sect, POV Multiple, Corporal Punishment, Trans WWX, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, pregnancy mention, Timeline What Timeline, Sexual Harassment Threats) has wwx summoned by an OC Yu cousin instead of mxy, so there is some wwx-Yu sect interactions in the story. I don't remember it being particularly sweet or happy, but the setting is a conference

Not FOUND Moments of Revelation by meyari (T, 133k, ChengSang, WangXian, XiYao, POV JC, Canon Divergence, Temporary Character Death, Character Death, not anyone we care about, Time Travel Fix-It, Self-Sacrifice, Torture, Chronic Pain, Chronic anxiety, magical healing and how it fails, Grief/Mourning, PTSD, Chronic Mental Health Issues, Assassination, renamed my, Families of Choice, Original Supporting characters, Unreliable Narrator(s), Demonic Possession) last suggestion, and this probably isn't it, but it has a lot of Yunmeng Trio & Yu sect interactions (mostly Jiang Cheng centric, but wwx is there too lol)

FOUND! Twelve Moons and a Fortnight by stiltonbasket (M, 290k, WangXian, Humor, Slow Burn, Post-Canon Fix-It, Long-Distance Relationship, Epistolary, Love Letters, Family Feels, a-qing lives, teenage romance, Adoption, Romantic Comedy, Happy Ending, Weddings, Case Fic, Parenthood, Politics) the reunion scene is on ch31

~*~

20. Hello! I’m looking for a fic where during the Sunshot Campaign, Wei Wuxian was able to tame the Xuanwu, resulting in victory. However, he wasn’t fully able to control its bloodlust so it was sequestered onto an island in Lotus Pier.

However, he leaves one day for a brief visit to Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli, JGS paid a child to visit the island and the child is killed. This causes WWX to go with the Xuanwu into the water surrounding the island and he disappears for many years.

Later on, Jin Ling ends up trying to prove himself by going into the forest surrounding this island (which has since filled with resentful energy). And finds that WWX has come back and the Xuanwu has been purified.

I’m not sure if it’s been deleted??

FOUND? The Turtle Master by Gotcocomilk (M, 40k, wangxian, JC & WWX, JL & WWX, Eventual Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Temporary Character Death, Character Death Fix, shijie lives, Hurt/Comfort, OC Child death, zombie turtle!!, BAMF WWX, isnt he always, Fluff and Angst, first half is pain second half is soft)

~*~

#wangxian #mdzs #wangxian fic finder #wangxian fic search #the untamed #wangxianficfinder #long post

102 notes · View notes

mrvenuspluto · 4 months

Text

HIDDEN ( 12TH HOUSE SUN ) AGENDA

The soul might feel the power and authority within but cant project it into reality , which can cause self entitlement and distancing theirselves from others and social gatherings . They feel like they cant be seen or heard like their past life experience . This placement can bring an old soul who had many life time experiences and here to live out a last physical experience or not other factors can change up the observations . These souls may find greater outlets , opportunities and like minded souls abroad or in distant foreign lands . For example i have 12th house placement myself , life has been very interesting in a private , ether realm way , at times you may feel distance and alone in a room full of people you know or may not , even close love ones . Your senses are heighten you pick up on things others cant see , hear , smell or phantom . The sun here helps shine light on your subconcious , fears, gifts , talents , habits , and your new souls granted potential and mission . What i learned once you put in good deeds , accept change and live in your new spiritual light and journey you will regain all your positive , attributes , power , respect , and abundance that your soul has been yearning for , but in a new profound light . Balancing material realm from spiritual realm can be difficult for the unevolved and evolved soul , thats why its important to learn thy self , go within , understand , the subconscious realm and hear what its trying to tell you and teach you , follow your soul not your mind your mind and you will open doors you never knew existed . Your light will be like the light house on the ocean shore in the darkness , on a vacant island , where many lost souls end up coming to find answers , knowledge , wisdom , insight and the great beacon of light to help them back on their paths . It may be other people who have 12th house placements with personal planets like mars , jupiter , venus etc .... my opinion they dont compare to having the sun in this house . The sun is your vitality , essence , urge , identity purpose , life force , inner light , true expression ( thats why leo is the sun / 5th house expression ) which gets projected from your ascendant . I look at mars , venus etc... as attributes you use while you are in this body , so when they are in the 12th house its a lost of your attributes , and help from them on a material and physical aspect , but they are used in a spiritual way they are not here to be used physically . Certain placements like mars here could make a soul very frustrated and have alot of repressed anger and energy they cant express physically , and a unevolved soul would be in bitterness and self chaos in their own head , when they just need a self outlet and way to express it mentally , spiritually or doing a good deed that takes their mental strength and inner desire . This also may bring a father that was absent , intoxicated , addicted to something or incarcerated . At first i use to look at this placement as being bad but over the years of learning , self development and understanding this placement , i overstand , the deeper meaning . You are able to focus on you , your mental , spiritual nature , hidden gifts and get a break from material obligations and be of service to others who are dealing with 12th house issues as well , mental illness and depression etc. This placement can make you be a real life psychologist , medium , clairvoyant , clairaudience , claircognizance , clairsentient , i think professor x had a 12th house sun placement the way he could use his mind , and see into future , tap into others thoughts , manipulate things , and energy and know the rest of his students powers and know how to teach them how to control and balance them. remember you are not your natal chart you are you control your own destiny and create your own reality .

47 notes · View notes

coldbrewreid · 11 months

Text

Falling the hard way.

[ Spencer reid x reader ]

WARNINGS: lots of mentions of anorexia, overexhaustion, professor - student relationship, sickly thin reader

note: this is how i cope, if you feel triggered by any of these please dont read. also, i am in no way trying to romanticise eating disorders.

Summary: when you joined university, you thought it would be different than highschool, but you were wrong. The bullying stayed, making you relapse anorexia. Dr. Spencer Reid’s eyes worryingly go after you everywhere.

[READERS POV]

Another semester is ahead of me, today is the first day of new beginnings. You already went there for a year or so, but this time everything changed. As I pulled the clothes on my slim body, with coffee in hand, I left my apartment. Everyone was treating me differently since I lost a lot of weight.

Some with fascination, some with frustration, but non with worry. Until this day. First lesson for the day was criminology, so I rushed to the room filled with some students already. All that hurry made me really dizzy, so after finding my seat, I took some more sips from my iced americano. I left it in the fridge yesterday, it was still good thought. When an unknown middle aged man walked into the room, my eyes widened. Who is this dude, and where’s our old teacher? She wasn’t that tempting as this fine man was.

- Good morning Students! My name is Dr. Spencer Reid. As you might know, unfortunately Dr. Flamming died yesterday. - He sighed, then look around a bit. We locked eyes for a moment, and it almost made me as dizzy as pe classes did back in highscool. His beautiful hazel brown eyes struck into me like lighting, leaving me scarred for the rest of my life. I can’t have him. First of all, he’s my professor, second of all, he’s like fourty- and last but not least: I’m fucked up. I wouldn’t be able to recover if somebody was watching over me, waiting to fatten me up so they can make fun of me. I have to do this on my own.

He started teaching, this time we talked about trigger. How criminals get sucked into, and destroy their life for something that happened to them. I have been only bad with myself, so no jail for me. Maybe the mental hospital would be a good idea, but I’m not even sick enough for that..Will I ever be?

I saw the girls, even some boys were already amazed by Dr. Reid. No way I would ever have a chance with someone like him.

I stood up way too fast, when the class was over. I wanted to go out for a cigarette, so I can clear my head. Ruining my plans, my vision went blurry, and my stick legs gave up their duty. I fainted, like on those stupid eating disorder movies. How lame, I should know fucking better then this.

I woke up in a hospital, which already made me panic big time. I wanted to leave, but someone prevented me from doing so. I thought it was a nurse, but no. It was my criminology professor.

- Hey! Go easy now. You have to stay here. You are severely malnourished, but I think you are aware of that fact too. - He sighed, and soon a nurse came in too with…food.

- No thank you, I’m not hungry! I’m curious about when can I leave? - I said, sitting cross legged on the cheap bed.

- You can either have this meal young lady, or you can have the tubes again. - It’s the same nurse as five years ago. I hate my luck. I saw Dr. Reid was worried, so I took the plate. - Thanks. This was just a tiny slip up, I promise. I’m way better! - I said to the woman working here. She sent me a disbelieving scoff, and left the room.

- What a bitch. - I muttered, and picked up the plastic fork. Usually they give silver ones, but they know me already. Once I tried to attack a nurse who was trying to force feed me.

- She is just worried. We all are. - He started at me, volunteeringly watching me eat. - Do you want some help? I know it’s hard to get yourself to do it in this headspace.

- Don’t profile me. I like privacy when I’m eating. Okay? - I looked at him annoyed, but he only smiled a little. What a jerk!

- Absolutely not. I’m gonna sit here, and watch until you finish that. - He sat down, leaning forward to watch me play with my food.

- Are you into feederism or something? - I sighed, and slowly started eating, drinking some water after each bite.

- No, I’m not into eating disorders in general. Listen, you don’t know me. Why don’t you speak about your relapse? It’s easier to tell someone you hardly know. And maybe I can help. I’m pretty big into psychology as you could probably tell. - He chuckled a bit at the end, and god it was adorable.

I swallowed the food that was in my mouth, drink some more water, and started speaking again.

- Well, why not. It’s stupid tho. There was this phase in high school when I would hardly eat anything, and throwing up after I had something. It was because all of middle school, they bullied me for my size. They even pretended to like me, so they can wound me harder after I believed them. It was a nightmare. Anyways….I somehow recovered, and now I’m here again. I had some of my old friends tell me that I gained a lot of weight and that hit the spot probably. - I fought back tears at the end of my speech, I was embarrassed, mortified even.

- I saw your picture up on the university wall. You are one of the top students. You looked really pretty. Mesmerising. You weren’t even chubby. I realise they probably meant that in a positive way, meaning that you are glowing, you look healthy, and..yourself. But for a former anorexic, it’s really stupid to say that. A simple compliment would have been better. I’m so sorry. Come here. - He spread his arms, inviting me to a hug. I was very vulnerable, so I gave in.

- You did so well. So so well, and I’m really proud of you. I mean it. - He pat my head as soon as he let go of me, and I honestly thought I was in heaven.

#dr spencer reid angst #spencer reid angst #spencer reid x reader #ed disorder #ed not sheeren

125 notes · View notes

1-siracha · 7 months

Text

ok i just learnt that lucifer learnt piano and why do i feel like lucifer would be that piano teacher? no, not in a good way.

to be clear, this is not romantic, this is just headcanons where the reader gets absolutely destroyed physically and mentally

☆ sorry if this is ooc, i dont have obey me but i've interacted with the fandom a lot.

(this is sort of a crack-ish thing but my piano teacher also made me more traumatised as a person so)

☆

he would be absolutely brutal as a teacher.

notices and relentlessly slams you for any minor mistake you make. go slightly to hard on the pedal? your fingers get slightly too straight while playing? caught immediately.

does NOT give a shit if you're new to the instrument, refuses to go easy on you

will relentlessly lecture you and sometimes raise his voice if you mess up too hard.

criticizes your playing in front of your parents so that your ego will get absolutely destroyed

"what are you doing? are you even looking at the dynamics? you're meant to play it softly."

if you aren't taking his advice or playing up to his standards, he will definitely just grab your hands and press them in the right direction.

his ego shows through his lessons. often playing a piece for you to 'show you how it sounds', though in a way, it's not too hard to tell that he just wants to show his skill of. it's a part of his pride.

when he does make a student cry, he either backs off or hands them a tissue box and awkwardly pats his back.

however, he is incredibly skilled as a pianist and teacher.

due to raising his brothers, he is very experienced with teaching and discipling students and can provide helpful feedback that improves your playing dramatically.

also very skilled at the piano since he has played it ever since it was invented, literally lived through the development of music theory and instruments as a whole. one of the most educated people out there.

lessons with him will cost your kidney and soul. extremely expensive.

overall, he is a very skilled teacher with years of experience in the instrument. do not ever think about learning piano with him.

☆

(everyday i wake up peacefully knowing that i switched to violin and my strings teacher is the kindest coolest person ever)

anyways i wont post this type of written content often i just randomly thought of it and got incredibly excited and angry

#obey me #obey me lucifer #om! lucifer #obey me drabble #obey me headcanons #i love my violin teacher sm she literally gave me #this high-quality eyeliner when she returned from taiwan as a gift??#shes so nice and chill and so great and ok with my schedule #give her a 'yahoo!!' guys she deserves it

36 notes · View notes

cupcraft · 1 month

Note

i hate when they gaslight house about his pain. i definitely think that sometimes his physical pain is exacerbated by his stress/mental pain but that isnt something to disregard either. When hes stressed he thinks about his pain more even if it doesnt hurt any more than it did yesterday and people brush him off like it isnt a real thing. like 😭😭😭It still hurts guys

Exactly.

Like stress, anxiety, trauma, etc. are all things that can exacerbate pain and make it worse. They are things that can be caused by the pain, intersect with it, etc. It can make the pain harder to process and manage. Many things. Chronic pain and your mental state are linked but that DOES NOT mean his pain is "made up" just "psychological".

House needing therapy and addiction counseling aside, his pain is still real. It's always real. HIs pain being amplified by stress isn't fake. His pain causing stress which then causes it to be amplified in a cycle isn't fake. His pain is real and deserves to be taken seriously. Every fucking doctor in this show has no fuckign clue what chronic pain is like and it shows. They also act like House being addicted to vicodin is some moral failing when in fact like um he also does need pain management...and opiates are a form of pain management and a consequence of long term opiate pain management can be addiction which becomes a chronic illness on its own that deseves its own patience and management. People, other than fellow patients and disabled characters that also get what he's going through, see House's pain as a made up moral failing that is just his long sinister plan to be drug seeking which is just one of the most gutting parts of the show (and unfortunately a reality for how many people and the medical system treats disabled people and also addicts).

I think it becomes the most jarring when there's a narrative how many people defend Stacy's decision to break House's medical consent and autonomy, and the near sort of judgement he gets for not wanting an amputation. His decision over his body part is his own, his relationship to his leg is his own, his autonomy over wanting a prosthetic versus a leg and a cane is his own. There should be no morality assigned to what House wanted to do with his leg injury. And maybe, that morality is assigned as a sense of guilt people (especially Cuddy) have for the fact the only reason he was injured in the first place is that people gaslit him to think his pain was made up and that he was just some drug seeking individual (see the lecture episode where he talks about this especially amplified about how even the med students thought this patient who was really him was drug seeking and not having a blood clot).

There's also a way that many characters weaponize his pain, like they're trying to teach him a lesson to his "ego" and "selfishness". For example, I think to the episode where they took his parking space and made him and another disabled doctor be pit against each other. I think to how like "well technically the ADA and your accomodations says you can walk 50 feet so your new parking spot is exactly 46 feet so that means youre full of shit house!" and I think to how Cuddy was like "um being ambulatory is less disabled than non-ambulatory" which is gross and fucked up. I hate how she made him "prove" his disability by making him use a wheelchair, and I hate how she punished him for standing to save a patient's life. I hate how she was unreceptive to House being like "hey well 46feet or not you dont understand how much goes into my day planning where to walk, when I use the bathroom, when the elevator's out, etc. My whole day revolves around managing and mitgating my chronic pain" and like telling her there's more to his accomodations just being like "50 feet" because it is in fact more nuanced than that. And instead, it's again, yet another moral failing. The narrative pushed on house of "If only he amputated his leg and stopped seeking drugs he'd be so much better" versus the reality f addiction and chronic paina nd how that intersects with mental health

#tea.cakes #ask #house md #meta #tw ableism #ask to tag #sorry this is long i am crazy about this topic

13 notes · View notes

clownrecess · 1 year

Note

Can you share your experiences with being in special ed? What are some pros and cons of switching to a special ed school from mainstream education?

Yes, I'd be happy to share some of my experiences and perspectives. ^^

Until the age of 11, I was in general education. Being in general education without adequate support was a challenge. I often felt isolated, scared and misunderstood. I struggled to keep up with the pace of the classroom and found it difficult to form relationships. When I finally did make a friend, I became so incredibly attached to and obsessed with them to the point it was "suffocating" for both of us, and majorly impacted my mental health in a negative way. I already struggled in class, and couldn't keep up, so it definitely didn't help that all I could think about was this friend (who was already toxic in the first place). I also had teachers who weren't understanding at all. My fourth grade teacher literally made me throw away my project once because I folded it wrong, and then wouldn't let me start over.

Point is, general education was really difficult for me, and it felt really unsafe.

It wasn't until I entered special education that I began to receive the support I needed to communicate and learn effectively. One of the biggest advantages of attending a special education school as an autistic individual is the access to specialized support and resources. In my experience, special education schools often have a team of professionals who are well-versed in working with autistics. They understand the unique challenges and strengths of autism and can tailor their support to meet my specific needs.

I am allowed to take breaks, there are multiple ESA's on campus, bringing comfort objects is normalized, stimming is normalized, my classes cover topics slower, my classes teach one grade lower than the one you are in, etc.

Those things are all very helpful for me.

Unfortunately, there are of course some cons to being in SPED, too.

A challenge that I have experienced in SPED schools is infantilization. Sometimes, teachers and other staff members may treat us as if we are young children rather than teenagers. This makes me deeply upset. It happened to me today and I texted my mom to pick me up early because of how anxious it made me feel.

Another one is a bit more difficult for me to explain, because I dont know if anyone else feels upset about it. Since my school is smaller, I dont see as many students with interests similar to mine, or different fashions, or social media things. This made me feel like I was missing out on a lot of the typical school experiences that my peers were having, or like I see on television.

Finally, there is a stigma attached to special education that can be difficult to overcome. While special education can provide necessary support and resources, it can also be viewed as a place for "problem" students or as a "lesser" form of education. This stigma can lead to feelings of shame and inadequacy and can negatively impact an individual's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Personally, when out and about around other people my age who arent disabled, I hear people use "SPED kid" as an insult a lot. I know that this is no different than any other ableist insult, but it makes me feel very upset.

This was based purely on my feelings and experiences.

#sped #special education #special ed #general education #actually autistic #neurodivergent #aac user #nonspeaking autistic #autism #nonspeaking #aac device #aac users #disabled

102 notes · View notes

sheikahwarriork · 2 months

Note

I am sorry you had a bad day my dude, would some Byleth cheer you up?

I think, we all as society should recognize Byleth!~

Byleth does not fight fair. In a support conversation with Felix, Felix mentions that Byleth will randomly throw out punches and kicks along with sword attacks. Byleth's probably a biter. She is going to Mike Tyson her way through entire military campaigns, and I have no idea what happens when you punch a giant lizard creature, but the campaigns give Byleth the opportunity to find out before the time skip ever happens.

I mean one of the main skills of Enlightened One is brawling.

So yeah. She's a bruiser who punches her way through problems and eats more than anyone else.

And people still say she has no personality...

TY ANON YES!!! YOU SPOKE THE TRUTH

i mean, in a crit's animation byleth throws a punch before slashing the sword:

youtube

and as you said, she got brawling as a skill of her unique class.

i think being raised as a mercenary by mercenaries taught byleth to survive by all means. when she fights, there's no such a thing as a "fair fight", there is just "win = survive".

on a side note, i like to think that when she first teached the blue lions, with all the faerghus "knight honour" mentality etc, she was taken aback. when ingrid did her first lance tournament, byleth was screaming "PUNCH HIM IN THE GUTS, INGRID!!" and dimitri politely said "professor, i'm sorry but this is a lance tournament, not a brawling one. she's not allowed to use her bare hands". byleth looked at him with a "error 404 not found" face and then goes, "do you really think an enemy on the battlefield will care if she's using a lance or her hands? they'll try to kill her anyway, so she- no, you all must learn to fight and survive". and this is why byleth doesnt let her students focus on only one weapon and by the end of the war even the mages have proficiency in brawling. byleth is not going to let her babies die! (okay i love this headcanon i HAVE TO write something about this)

omg i love byleth so much im crying ok. i HATE when people say byleth doesnt have a personality!! just a few days ago i was thinking about the animated cutscene at the beginning of the game, the one when you see all the students. that cutscene begins with byleth reading a book, then the clock bells ring, yk? well, i LOVE that little detail of byleth reading. bc think about it: a 20-something yo mercenary is hired as a professor at the great official academy of garreg mach. byleth knows well she is not competent. but its a job, its her job now, so she must do her best. and so she starts reading all kind of books about magic and history and weapons and tactics. she knows shes not a good professor (yet), but she wants to be one!! so she does everything in her power to be one!!!!

or the fact that the first time we can see byleth smiling is when they give food to a cat/dog? its waaaay before the flayn's rescue, which is the canon "first time" the house leaders see byleth smile.

people often complain about byleth being a silent protagonist. in my opinion, OF COURSE BYLETH is not very talkative. they grow up in a mercenary company, they probably never interacted with someone with their age before the academy! (remember byleth doesnt meet leonie when jeralt goes to her village.) they never had a friend. and now byleth is supposed to be a perfect professor?

but byleth tries. byleth gets better with people. in fact, i think byleth actually gets more lines in the second part of the game (i should check but im pretty sure).

byleth also is more expressive post-timeskip. i'll never forget the "... :( " face byleth does when dimitri says its better to go rescue lady rhea before taking fhirdiad (his feral phase, i dont remember the exact moment but its during a war council in the first part of the post-timeskip). or the fact byleth has an angry face when talking to feral-dimitri during the exploration days (i mean the sundays).

also, apparently byleth has a very bad sense of humor. after the fhirdiad map in azure moon, when byleth and dimitri talks, he says "you taught me something very important" and byleth can say "humor?" and dimitri responds something like "you never let up, do you?", which means its not the first time byleth says a silly (but loved!!) comment.

do i think byleth should have got dubbed lines in three houses? of course i do. but even with the little lines they have we can see their personality.

IN THIS HOUSE WE LOVE AND RESPECT BYLETH!!!!!!!

thank u anon i love talking about my beloved!!

#anon ask #fe3h #byleth eisner #yuzu speaks

12 notes · View notes

schizopositivity · 2 years

Text

throwback to my AP psych class in highschool where my teacher always said "im a little bit ocd" and our first assignment was to "study" a student from another class and then make assumptions about their life based on their behavoir, then he taught us The Four Types of Schizophrenia and he said "no one knows why catatonic schizophrenics are like that no one knows whats going on in their brain" and then we watched a video of someone publically having a psychotic episode, and then we watched the movies Stand By Me and The Breakfast Club and had to write a paper where we diagnosed each character with a different mental illness

now lemme tell you why all of that was complete bullshit:

you cant be "a little bit ocd" (he said cause he liked things organized was why) because its a mental disorder characterized by obsessions and compulsions, simply being tidy doesnt make you a little ocd, either you have the disorder or you dont

i felt so creepy having to watch and write about a student i didnt know in another class, this is just such a weird thing to do, and not anything a psych profesional would actually do so i have no idea why we did it, and then for the rest of my time at school i was paranoid that someone was studying me which as an undiagnosed schizophrenic was horrible for me

the four types of schizophrenia is outdated, it was when i was in the class, its now known to be a spectrum where people can have mulitple or even all of the symptoms of the four types

yes you can easily find out whats going through a catatonic persons brain if you just ask (once they are no longer catatonic), ive been catatonic multiple times and ill tell you any day

do not watch videos of people publically having a psychotic episode, they didnt consent to filming or uploading the video, they probably didnt want one of their most terrifying and emberassing moments posted publically so a room full of teenagers could gauk at it, it is extremley disrespectful to the person in the video and their humanity is more important than any education you could bring on by the video

you cant diagnose people you dont know, even with the proper training, an hour worth of content is not enough to make a diagnosis from, i seriously dont know why we were encouraged to diagnose anyone, especially characters in a movie, i dont know what we learned from this other than thinking we had the power to diagnose people we didnt know

this was an AP psych class so that means it was college level, i hope this isnt what theyre teaching in college and i just had a particularly uneducated teacher

#schizophrenia #ocd #catatonia #catatonic #psych #ap psych #psych class #neurodivergent #mental illness #actuallyschizophrenic #mental health awareness

188 notes · View notes

misc-obeyme · 1 month

Note

LISTEN. (cw torture, barb thirst, mc infofump, mentions of murder and devildm politics, a bunch'a spoilers for Barbatos live ★ & Tea time w you-, obey me whump, conditioning, rant about newer fandom this ask is a wild ride)

But I also like the idea of him discovering what you’ve been doing & then questioning you about your methods. Like he’s impressed you would take matters into your own hands, but he is also an expert and can teach you many things~

Cue you getting taken on as the torturer’s apprentice. When you tell Solomon, he just goes pale and stammers out a joke about how he doesn’t like sharing his apprentice lol.

I'm gonna interrupt you like the potato i am but like???yes????? you do not understand my obsession with torture. I always thought I'm a masochist but I've recently figured i was wrong and Boy it Was the best feeling in rhe world to figure out whats wrong with me-

also my mc is both Sol's apprentice in magic and Barb's student in torture and baking. mhmhmmm. I also Do Not Like the brothers so much my mc was never an exchabge student. I did some black butler shit back there and now he lives in the castle. like two years before the exchange program- (no my canon doesnt follow the game's canon caue thats so very badly written) and he also helps w murdering people who are against Diavolo. and people just ?? can't believe it- there has to be some sort of a war shit going on. Dia is too kind to do this- also, if anyone figures they don't. Barb has POWERS-

and BOY DO I LOVE BARB FOR THAT. Also dia but he isnt important rn sjsksk. in the new event's card he said smth like he would cross his own boundries for the sake of Diavolo and Devildom. althought he didnt say for mc so 😔 but thats hot af still. But buT BUT vvv

villain wannabe. wdym darkness?? you said itll be for the sake of devildom! idk im misinterpenting or no but this is so side ways I'm a bit ????ing rn

also in Tea time with you when you ask him what the fuck he did that even being a 24/7 slave butler to Diavoli won'y undo the mistake he had done?? he laughs?? HEEHEEE???? what are you Michael Jackson? and the other option he goes straight to anger so idk whats with the huge difference in replies-

anyway angry Barb is also best Barb i dont make the rules. also he's the butler of their PRINCE noone gets to harm mc. they'd dissapear. go missing. possibly either killed or very altered. Came Back Wrong™ ohoho, imagine if some of the castle workers/maids etc used to be high ranked nobles and demons and they've done smth so wrong that lowered them to this. and they don't remember it?? and noone else does remember too. just some lost names. okay not to get far-

BUT LISTEN Barb has definitly done some conditioning bs out there you can not prove it otherwise. also, Mammon keeps getting punished by Lu and hasn't changed so imagine the pain those demons have to go through for that-

JSKSKAJ!! BARB IS HOT OKAY- HES SADISTIC. I live sadistic demon butlers . also the fact that he has a torture dungeon- and who says there aren't demons in the hidden prisons waiting for their turn? i imagine Barb would randomly take one, do the things™ and leave for the next few months. the second the demons think they're forgotten/ theyre doomed. its also not in order so yep more stress. so wha i was goimg to say is imagine a very sadistic and mentally ill™ mc whos very angry tortuing some " innocent" souls in the dungeons. also, I tend to imagine Barb has taught Lucifer a few forms of torture when he fell (cough, Believer cough-) so-

Barb is such an interesting character (like Sol) and the older fandom used to really put those aspects in mind but the newer fandom is stripped completely from darkfic. like. can we have more darkfic i am begging I want obey me whump I dont want mc angst i want mc whump i want these bad boys dying of pain and being saved the last minute i want more stories on devildom politics i want more dark! demons/dark! mc aus- like can we bring that back??? can we stop w 24/7 fluff/comfort/angst thats just mc's death ?? no hate to those but can we bring back the dark shit i want to see demons getting their asses whooped in barb's dungeon or Dia being manupilative af--😭😭😭

ok ok ill shut up now😂

There is so much happening in this ask, but for some reason I keep coming back to "HEEHEEE???? what are you Michael Jackson?" because wow that made me actually LOL for real.

I'm always going to be for canon divergence. I say do whatever makes you happy! Your MC must truly have their hands full learning all that stuff with Barbatos and Solomon. But like if you're gonna learn those things, might as well learn from the best, right???

The thing I like about Barbatos is that he is very versatile. They've kept him very mellow in the game, but he has so much potential to go dark if you want to write him that way. I mean they don't even confirm that he actually has a torture dungeon in the game... I'm pretty sure it's just Mammon who says he's rumored to have one. But like by leaving it open ended like that, we can speculate all we like about it, you know?

And traditionally, wasn't that the point of demons? Aside from tempting humans, they're supposed to torture souls, right? I mean, I don't know how accurate that actually is, but it's interesting to think about.

I'm not especially obsessed with torture and I think it's pretty clear from my writing that I'm generally on the fluffier side of things lol. But it's interesting to think about, especially considering the types of characters we're dealing with here. And I really like the exploration of morality and inner evil and that sort of thing when it comes to heavy stuff like torture.

I thought it was very interesting in Barbatos Live how he calls MC his good conscience. 'Cause in Tea Time with You, he very much indicates that he used to do crazy stuff all the time, but then the Incident happened and now he doesn't. So wouldn't his guilt over whatever happened be his good conscience, like it has been all this time before MC showed up? Is he saying that MC just makes him want to stick to that even more?

Though he also says that it's like demon nature to have some darkness, so I don't know if he's talking about his specific experience necessarily. It's more like he's saying he wants to fight against his own nature? I dunno.

OH DANG but I love that idea about the maids and such in the castle! Demons that messed up so bad, now Barb keeps them at the castle to work??? What was that about not giving into the darkness???? lk;asdfkjlfd

I'm afraid I can't really comment on the amount of darkfic present in the fandom at any given time... due to being a Fluffster Extraordinaire, I'm faaaar more likely to read sweet lovey romance fics than Barb torture dungeon fics. Which isn't to say that I don't like the Barb torture dungeon situation because I do indeed find it very intriguing lol. I'm just usually like yo I want that guy to bake for me and make me tea, I don't care what he does in his spare time.

In fact, I really like the idea of a sweet and doting house husband Barbatos that pampers MC all day every day while being a ruthless and loyal demon butler the rest of the time. Like the dungeon isn't a rumor but as long as he washes off the blood when he comes back, MC is like whatever lol.

Oh but I also like the idea of MC being just as bad as him, now that I think about it. Like MC isn't ignorant, they don't turn a blind eye, they are right there with him, actively participating. The torture couple aadsflkjdfkjldf

I dunno, I think I'm considering it in more of a humorous way than a serious way, though.

Anyway, it's fun to consider all aspects of Barbatos because he has so many facets! And I think it's fun to explore the different sides of him.

#I've just been feeling like I prefer MC to be a badass lately #so I think it'd be cool if they were just unbothered by it all #um okay I do feel like I need to cw this so #cw torture #tw torture #obey me #obey me barbatos #expressionless-fr #cc mutuals #misc answers

10 notes · View notes

chouchen · 1 year

Note

Hey there! You're a very inspirational person to me and one of the reasons why I realized that art is my true passion unlike all of the other professions i convinced myself to like because they're more "profitable". So I'm now seeking to enter an art college once I finish high school, but in my country it's a little hard for me to find anything "eye-catching".

I'm going to apply for a visual arts course next year in a very popular public school here in my country for preparation (the applications are only at the end of the year and i didn't apply for anything last year), but I'm still a little worried about finding a good art college, specially since art is very undervalued in my country (maybe it will change bc of the new president, hopefully), but i was very interested in the weekly schedule you posted of your art school last year, since it's pretty much everything I wanna learn in my art journey, so I'd like to know if you have any tips on finding a good college? There are quite a lot of art colleges here but I find it hard to find something that fits what I want,,,

very long reply

hi ! first of all i'm super glad that i can be such an inspiration to you aa ^_^

second of all, i don't really know how colleges work for you but for me i made sure of 3 things to choose mine.

first is the teaching, art colleges are very different from each other because art is a very vast and each college has a speciality so choose wisely depending on what you want to do.

second is the diploma, idk how it works for you but here some diplomas are certified by the state (means they recognize you has a student etc) here certified diplomas can help you find a job and its easier to change job all that. Honestly in the art industry the school you did isn't that important (ofc it's always better to have a prestigious school on your resume but) your portfolio is really what's gonna show your work and this is what employers are gonna look at !

third is the cost, here we have free or paid colleges, either free or not art studies cost A LOT, all artistic material is expensive traditional or digital (especially digital) if you can't afford everything they are some solutions (second hand material, adobe cracks etc) just please make sure you don't put yourself in too much debt because art is still a job that doesn't pay much at first (especially if you go on freelance)

and lastly, ask your college it's employment rates, in my college for example, big studios directly come to recruit some people, they're the judges for our final exams etc, make sure your college has connections with the working world because as fun as it sounds at the end of the day you're looking for a job !!

bonus, ask old students from the college and ask about their experiences, here we have special conventions where college show what they do and you can meet people (YOU DONT WANT A COLLEGE WITH WEIRD PEOPLE!!! especially if you're a girl and you want to go in video games like me, i got asked my number and to go get a drink by some dumbass and let me tell you i did not choose to go to this college, students reflects what the reputation of their school and you don't want to go to a place full of dumbasses)

i also really recommend you visit the colleges you're interested in !

bonus bonus, art studies takes a lot on your mental health, there's a real difference between drawing as a hobby and doing art for a living, but i think you already thought about that so all i have to say is good luck !

that was long aaa i hope i didnt discouraged you too much, it took me a while to find my college too but once you're in you're good !!

#ask

18 notes · View notes

reficu1 · 2 years

Note

heyy!! how r u today? hopefully well, i hope you dont mind if i request somethin' to you rn, btw your an amazing writer (: but anyways ill just start saying this...

ca you do Aoi Asahina, Sonia Nevermind, miu iruma and maybe Monami with a reader who has a noelle personality from genshin impact??

thank youu and i hope you have an amazing day (:

Aoi Asahina, Sonia Nevermind, Miu Iruma and Monomi with a reader who has a Noelle personality.

I'm embarrassed, I hope your day is good too. Thank you for your inquiry, happy reading.

Aoi Asahina.

No matter how difficult your name is, the girl will not forget. Because such a cool and sweet person is hard to forget. She and Sakura are always ready to help you. At first, Aoi wanted you not to help so much and especially to some individuals who are "not worthy of it". But Sakura always added "Asahina, it's part of Y/N's personality, we can't tell her."

Aoi is always happy to see you, so she will always take you with her and Sakura. But this does not look like "friendship with the third extra person." You fit in very well. Now this is the most powerful trinity, you understand that?

"Hey! Y/N, can you help me with this assignment because I don't understand this subject at all?" One student complained.

"Oh, you've been asking for far from the fifth time, can you explain and help you understand how, what to do?"

"Uh, I don't have time for this," this student wanted to say and immediately leave, leaving you alone with their task, but there were angry Aoi and Sakura behind your back, but Ogami was more frightening. "What did you say about helping explain? Yes, of course, I had free time, even right now."

But Sakura's gaze was still heavy, and the swimmer approached you, distracting you with sweets that she wanted to share with her friends at recess. "Oh, you know, I think I just figured out how to do my homework, so take it easy, thanks, bye!"

"What was it?"

"A new way to quickly learn, just like frame 25, but even more effective." Sakura joked and she went to the dining room, and you follow her.

Sonia Nevermind.

She is here to take a break from her parents and servants who run after her, watch and teach "how a real princess should behave." And the fact that you are so friendly, but especially helpful. This makes her mentally return to the castle, at a time that was unbearable for Sonya.

"Dear Y/N, please sit back and relax, I admit, no, everyone here recognizes you and your talent." Says Sonya as she pours a second cup of tea for you.

"Oh, thank you very much, I'm glad to try for all of you, but then I have to try even harder so that I don't fail in difficult times and you don't get disappointed." You answer the princess with a smile, thereby refusing her offer.

"Oh, I was hoping for your company." Dramatically, the princess raises her hand to her forehead. This is followed by a tea party for two with cookies and funny stories from both sides.

Yes, she will sometimes say something that sounds like "manipulation" if this statement is true. But Sonya does not want to do anything bad to you. It's just the one way that works for you. At the beginning. But she herself is very ashamed, therefore, in ordinary conversations, Sonya will try to convince you that you do not need to work so much. And when enough time has passed for you to accept that fact a little. These "manipulations" will go away completely. Then Sonya herself will not hate herself for making you feel.

She will do her best to answer you with the same good that you give to everyone. If she finds out that you're in trouble or you just want something. She will find it and bring it to you, even if you refuse.

After all, "Y/N, you are such a wonderful person that this gift is enough for me to express my gratitude."

Miu Iruma.

Your communication from the outside looks very comical. Usually the other classmates look at the two of you and smirk. Especially because of Miu.

"Oh go fuck me suck me hahahaha." Once Miu said this to you in front of the others, when she got tangled in the garden and fell, and you offered your help.

"Suck? Are you hurt? Is there poison? Oh God, wait, please, I'll bring everything!" You almost ran away.

"Okay, that's it, c-that's enough, I was joking, it's okay really, don't worry, look, I'm fine." Miu stood up and twirled in front of you and left quietly.

Usually she does not act vulgarly around you, because you take her literally. And after one incident, she really watches her tongue.

"Help? Help fucking yourself, and then help others, but definitely not me." She said emotionally and immediately regretted it when she saw your expression. "Oh, I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, wait!"

After this incident, the girl became a friend-mother. She's not trying to change you or anything. Miu only scolds those who ask you too much for help, even if they see that you are already tired. And for you, she is simply trying to improve your vacation or simplify your work.

Bonus.

Monomi.

Rabbit loves you as much as his other classmates. But your kindness makes me shed tears.

"So did you find out anything new? How do we get off this island?" The meeting of classmates began.

"Let's be quiet, otherwise this Monokuma will hear his assistant Monomi." Hinata began to speak, when suddenly a rabbit appeared.

"Guys, I could help you." Monomi says happily, but no one pays attention to her.

"Hey, what do you want to tell us?" You asked good-naturedly, sitting down on the floor at her level. While others were looking at you.

"What are you doing, Y/N? She works with Monokuma, and will you listen to her as well?" Souda asks suspiciously. And in the crowd you can hear Saioji chuckling.

"She was with us before he came, she suffers from his appeal to her, she takes care of us and the local nature. Why are you so callous to her? She tries to help all of us and we are here to save us, but the mastermind was on the move ahead!" You are hugging a white rabbit, who was previously very stiff and constrained due to social awkwardness, and is now ready to cry from such a speech.

Maybe the trick caught some by surprise, but still made someone at least listen and feel sorry especially when the rabbit was no more.

#danganronpa #danganronpa goodbye despair #danganronpa x reader #danganronpa trigger happy havoc #danganronpa v3 #danganronpa thh #aoi asahina x reader #sonia nevermind x reader #miu iruma x reader

60 notes · View notes

let-us-meet-aga1n · 1 year

Text

this is me trying to cope with the extreme sadness of clover possibly wanting nothing to do with me after a trauma induced panic attack so im doing this to keep my mind off of that thought.

by doing this, i'm basically doing this:

🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️

🕯️ clover still wants me 🕯️

🕯️ & will never leave me 🕯️

🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️

anyways, further below is every single tc question for april answered.

day 1: have you ever pranked your tc? if so, how did they react? nope! i've made jokes around her, but my humor is kind of demented (always abt mental health struggles. she laughs, but i think in a "oh good god this child is fucked up" kinda way).

day 2: what is the earliest thing you can remember about your tc? we had a "move up social" where we dressed up fancy and met our freshman teachers as an 8th grader. she came up to me and my best friend cause we were terrified of talking to anyone. she was the first person i met that night, and at that moment i knew i was gonna like her.

now, the first moment that sticks out in my head is the first day. we all walked into class to her handing out papers with our names on them to tape to our desks so she'd remember our names. i was the only student's name she knew off the top of her head. i walked in and she went "ah, here you go caspian! don't ask how i know your name after meeting you once, but it's nothing bad i swear." and i just- AADSFGHJGFDSF- she later said she remembered my name cause i looked really pretty that night and that i had a really beautiful and unique name and i died just a bit.

day 3: do you like your tc’s subject? do you consider yourself to be good at it? i actually enjoy english in the way she teaches it! normally its this boring vocab stuff with sentence structure that takes the fun out of the subject, but she lets us be creative with our writing (since she has a phd in creative writing).

day 4: how do you feel about your age gap? ITS NOT THAT BAD OKAY?!?!?! she's 29, i'm 15. SEE NOT THAT BAD!!! anyways, idrc cause the fact that she's almost 30 means she's a responsible adult and in that case, i am once again asking FOR YOU TO TAKE CUSTODY OF ME CLOVER PLEASE-

day 5: have you ever said anything to your tc that showed you favored them? have they said anything like that to you? um, have i not?? when talking to my orchestra director abt trauma stuff im like "oh yeah i told her everything" "oh yeah i feel super comfortable about opening up to her" "yeah she's such a sweet and safe person" and SOMEHOW, EVEN THOUGH HE CLAIMS HE DOESN'T TALK TO HER, IT ALWAYS GETS BACK TO HER. (i know you tell her everything, *insert orchestra teachers name her* you dont fool me)

day 6: have you ever noticed any small habits that they have? If so, what comes to mind first? AHHHH YES. she has anxiety, and i tend to notice everyone's nervous response. she has this really curly really pretty brown, auburn ish hair and she always twirls her fingers in it when nervous and i'm just like 🥺- anyways, she also is never at her desk, ever. she's always walking around, leaning on a desk, or sitting ON TOP of an empty student desk. this woman will sit anywhere BUT her desk.

day 7: what gift would you really like to be able to give them, regardless of if it’s realistic or not? she's always wanted me to perform a song for her, and i've always turned her down on that offer because 1. anxiety, 2. A SOLO PERFORMANCE??!?!? FOR CLOVER??! ADSFGHJKL:KJHGFDS- but if i had the courage to do it one day, i would. not a gift, but something she's always wanted from me.

day 8: does your tc ever talk about what it was like when they were still a student? yep! she's talked about how she was considered this quiet, shy nerd who didn't really talk to people. she was valedictorian of her class and was really, really good at school- (i can verify all of that i have stalked the SHIT out of the internet and found EVERYTHING)

day 9: does your tc have a significant other? if so, what do you know about them and how do you feel about them? she does, yes! her fiancé and her have been dating for what appears to be 3 years now (from what i can find online) and they got engaged in the fall! i'm really really happy for her and i hope they have a happy marriage! i wish them all the best! he seems like a very sweet guy and i'm truly really happy for her. (this question was answer probably different from most, because i have less of a crush on her and more of a platonic obsession with her?? idk i wish she was my mom)

day 10: what is the longest time you have gone without seeing them? winter break. 2 weeks of hell on earth without her. i genuinely don't want to have a summer break. i'm going to miss her so much...

day 11: what do other people usually think about them? most people love her! she's a very sweet, genuine, and caring person. some people do talk shit about her though and every time they do i have very very violent thoughts come up in my head because if they're talking about her like that they don't even deserve to walk on the same ground she does (sorry if i got a bit crazy there i just love her so much and hate when people talk bad about her).

day 12: do you often make up excuses to speak to them? what kinds of excuses do you like to use? yes? more of making excuses to see her and have tiny interactions with her. i guess some people would call me a stalker??? idk she knows i'm there so its not really stalking. she's called me a lurker before which is probably closer to what i am. i make excuses all the time to go to my locker, go to the bathroom, "oh shoot i left my *insert random object here* in the other building! can i go get it teacher?" and then try to take every path imaginable to see what she's up to and what she's doing. yeah i just like lurking wherever she is-

day 13: other than the subject they teach, what are they really passionate about? she has a really big passion for travel and other cultures. it makes a lot of sense though, seeing she's lived in 3 different countries and only in her late 20s. she also really enjoys branching out in music which made me fall even more in love because HI IM A MUSICIAN AND I REALLY WANNA TALK MUSIC WITH HER ALL DAY BUT IM TOO ANXIOUS FOR THAT!

day 14: what is a skill you really wish your tc had? GOD I WISH SHE PLAYED AN INSTRUMENT- piano or viola seem to fit her and i don't know why. possibly even electric bass? i'd love to see her play an instrument... i'd probably die if she did

day 15: which mbti personality do you think they are? we had an entire assignment on mbti tests, and she shared hers. she's an INFP, while i'm an ISFP, so we're pretty similar in many ways ahahahhahahahahahahahah (this assignment did NOT fuel my delusions) (me when i lie)

day 16: if you could go back in time and choose, would you still choose to develop feelings for your tc? always. i'd do it 10 times over again if i could. she's the best.

day 17: if it was the last time you would ever be able to see your tc, what is one thing you would never leave without saying to them? i would tell her, to her face, i love her. i have never felt safer, i have never felt more at home than that time i was in her arms, i have never felt more loved, more appreciated and cared for, and i love her like a mother.

day 18: when was the first time you cried because of them? this one is hard to remember. i've cried cause of her numerous times, but i think it was having a panic attack over a bad grade??? it was my first not a in her class (i got a b+) and i genuinely thought it was because she didn't love me anymore.

day 19: how well do you think you know them? somewhat well?? better than other students, not because she's told me shit, but because i stalked the hell out of her online. NOT MANY OTHER STUDENTS CAN SAY THEY KNOW HER ADDRESS, OKAY?? (i SWEAR i found that on accident i just wanted her birthday :((( </3 )

day 20: do you ever lie to them? about what? about my mental wellbeing. i hate her worrying about me, which i know she does when i say i'm not doing well. the problem is she always finds out either way.

day 21: what is the longest time you have spent together with them? in a group setting? 5ish hours. in a 1 on 1 setting? 2 hours. yes, not a lot of time was spent, but those 2 hours made me lose my mind.

day 22: if you have had other tcs in the past (or right now), how are they similar to or different from your current (or primary) tc? well, i have a father figure who regularly makes appearances on here, being notorious for telling clover how i feel for me (cause anxiety). they're actually very similar. they both care deeply (even too much tbh) about me and want the very best for me. they always go out of their way to see me happy and it's why i call them my "parents if i could've chosen who my parents were."

day 23: have you ever seen your tc in clothes they don't usually wear? casual clothes if they usually wear formal attire or the other way around? i've seen her in casual, dressy, business, formal, and comfier clothes. mainly saw the casual and comfier clothes because she went on the freshmen class trip in the woods with us.

day 24: ??

day 25: how do you think your tc would react if you confided in them when you felt sad or stressed or anxious? she's very good at that actually. i confide in her often, but i worry when i do because she always gets deeply concerned and worried about my mental wellbeing when i do. love her, but like, please don't worry i'm fine i swear!!!

day 26: what is the best dream you have had of them? SHE. FUCKING. ADOPTED. ME. i never wanted to wake up. best dream of my life. i went home with her, and she introduced me to her fiancé and that was a fun experience in the dream (around adult females, i'm very polite, quiet, nervous, anxious... but when around adult males... i'm cold (in a funny kinda way), blunt, playful, and really, really good at being a pain in the ass (IN A FUNNY WAY I SWEAR))

day 27: what is the saddest/scariest dream you have had of them? she left me, and not in the way you'd expect. i killed myself in this dream, but i watched how life functioned after i killed myself. she was in a state of denial and it was heartbreaking to watch. whenever someone was like "clover, she's gone..." she would say something all chipper and happy like "what do you mean? she just turned this paper in today! i'm grading it right now! see? she's right over there, happier than ever! (pointing to one of my assignments she hung on the wall for it being pretty)" and later that day i had to watch her breakdown in her apartment and kill herself from the grief. yeah, not a fun dream 0/10 would not recommend.

day 28: does your tc ever bring you up to other students/teachers that you know of? she brings me up to everyone, ever. i have had teachers i've never seen or talked to before be like "hey! i heard your performance at the honors orchestra event was amazing! you are show stopping to watch play!!" and i'm just like "who exactly did you hear that from?" "clover was raving about you this morning to all of the teachers in the faculty lounge!" "ah, thanks.... CLOVER ISTG-"

day 29: do you see them as being a romantic person? are you? i think we're one in the same with romance?? when around that person, lovey dovey, everything's just really sweet, but when not around that person, you would probably think we don't have a partner at all.

day 30: how have they changed since you two first met? how have you changed? she's become way more hypersensitive to small behaviors from students, probably cause i show a lot of very small signs of being not okay. now's she probably paranoid cause of me. sorry clover- now for me, i've found that not all adults are evil, and that i am wanted by someone. i love her so much....

6 notes · View notes