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jacks347 · 1 month

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(As I continue to chip away at my next few projects, I figured y'all should see the original. Enjoy alternate ending Matador Gothic, my pride and joy. Oh, and the very end has symbolism explanation for those who want that extra knife twist)

“Step into the sun. How does it feel?” Alfonso felt like he was walking on air. Scythus was dead, his love was safe, he could breathe again. Everything was going to be okay. The woman he’d come to love took his hand and stepped into the sunlight next to him.

Then she winced.

His heart dropped.

“Bad. I-It feels like burning.” She dropped his hand and stepped back into the shade, rubbing the quickly blistering burns on her skin with a hiss of pain.

No. No no no no no. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. This was supposed to have saved her. She was supposed to be fine. Why was she not fine.

“No no no, y-you’re joking.” He laughed, mainly out of rising hysteria. “This was supposed to work! You were supposed to be okay! I’m not supposed to lose you!!” His knees gave out from under him, crumpling to the ground. Alfonso could feel his heart shattering, splintering in his chest and stabbing at his lungs with every breath.

Delilah reached out to comfort him but snatched her hand back before it crossed into the sunlight. “Alfonso, my love…” She trailed off, unable to find the words to comfort him. This was it. All their work had been for nothing. She would fall into that dream like Carmen said and he’d kill her.

I just wanted to go on vacation…

“What am I supposed to do without you, poppy? I risked everything for this!” Delilah could barely watch as he tore his hands through his hair, gripping it so tight she was worried he’d rip it out. “Alfonso please, i-it’s-” “Do not tell me it’s okay! Nothing about this is okay!” He snapped, his eyes wild and full of righteous fire. “Do you not remember what Carmen said? If I can’t save you, then the Guild deal falls through and I get an execution squad sent after me! I can’t fail here!”

Right. The deal with the Guild. Delilah had forgotten about that in the rush of the final battle. It was either they both lived or they both died, no in between. “What can we do? W-What am I supposed to do? I can’t be a vampire!” Delilah tried to tamp down her panic, actively failing considering the high-strung pitch bleeding into her voice.

Alfonso staggered to his feet, stepping back into the shade to pull Delilah into his arms. “Don’t you worry, poppy. I’ll figure this out. We’ll figure this out. We’re in this together, right?” He could feel her take a shuddering breath before relaxing into him. “Right. We’re in this together.”

Delilah was acting weird. She had been for the past few days. She hadn’t been talking as much, seeming more contemplative, and had been growing more and more unenthusiastic about this venture away from the city and into the wild countryside to avoid the Guild. In his mind, Alfonso knew why. He knew exactly why his love wasn’t the same but his heart refused to acknowledge it. He was going to fix this, he was going to save Delilah and they would be happy together. He would have his happy ending. He deserved it dammit.

“Alfonso.”

There it was again, that soft, tired tone that she’d taken on. When he’d first heard it, it had only stoked the fire in him to keep going, that if he worked hard enough he’d break her of it. But now it was like a cold shower, dousing the fire and raising his frustration.

“Poppy, I’m trying to focus here.”

“Alfonso, please.”

“Delilah, let me do this.”

“Alfonso Villalba.”

He finally stopped and turned towards Delilah, his heart falling to pieces all over again as he saw the worn-out expression on her face. How long had she looked so tired? So sad? “We can’t keep running. I know that, you know that, this is just delaying the inevitable.”

How could she say that? After all he’d done for her? All he’d given up, all he’d risked? And now she just wanted to give up? No, he couldn’t accept that. “Poppy, that’s not true. We’ll find a way, just like we have through everything else. I’ll figure this out, I promised you that-" "Alfonso, enough. There is no other way. You should know that better than anyone.” “That’s not true, there’s still the route that Carmen suggested when we started this.” “That was a hypothesis at best and would take months to get, you know that! We don’t have months. We barely have days. Alfonso, this is it. I’ll fall into the dream or whatever it is and you’ll-” “Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” His voice was a harsh growl, unable to even think about what she was implying.

Delilah stepped back, fear flashing in her eyes that crushed his soul. He never wanted to scare her, he never wanted to see that terrified expression like he had when he first saved her from Scythus again. Yet here he was causing it. “Wait, Delilah, I’m sorry-” “No, no. This is the problem I’m talking about.” “Problem? What do you mean problem? The problem I’m seeing is that we’re not moving so we can-” “Alfonso I swear if you don’t shut up and let me finish for once, I’m pushing you off this cliff.” Alfonso’s mouth snapped shut with an audible click. Delilah sighed, rubbing her temples for a second like she was trying to jostle her thoughts together.

“The problem is you. This tunnel vision on a pipe dream that we both know isn’t possible. You’ve made yourself blind to everything around you. You want this to end the way you want so bad that you’ve forgotten about reality. We’re out of time. We’ve tried everything we could and it hasn’t worked. There is no happy ending. The change will fully take hold within a couple of days and then what. You’ve buried your head so far in the sand that you haven’t seen what’s right in front of you. Food is disgusting, I haven’t slept, I can’t even think about sunlight without my skin itching, I’m not me anymore! I’m becoming a monster and there’s nothing I can do to stop it!” Delilah threw her head in her hands, taking a few shaky breaths. Alfonso could hear her quiet sniffles and choked back sobs, wanting to reach out and comfort her but knowing he couldn’t. What could he say? What could he do? There was nothing.

She pulled herself together, scrubbing her face of any lone tears, and looked up at him, forcing him to make eye contact with her and see the soul-crushing pain she was in. “I can’t do this, Alfonso. We both know I won’t survive it. So please, please keep that in mind when I tell you this.” “Tell me what? Delilah, what did you do?” “I…I called Carmen. She knows where we are. She told the Guild. The executioners are after us.” “You did what?! Delilah, qué demonios, have you lost your mind??” “Actually, it’s because I haven’t lost my mind that I called her. A decision needs to be made, Alfonso. And if anyone should make it, it’s me.”

“The way I see it, there are three outcomes here and only one where someone comes out of this alive. One, the Guild catches up to us and kills us both. Me because I’m a lost cause and you because, well, that’s what they were hired for. Two, we run and I turn into a vampire. I kill you out of hunger and then get hunted down by either the Guild or another vampire. Either way, we’re both dead. Or three, you kill me here and now before they get here and run, giving yourself a fighting chance to survive. That’s it. There are no other options.” It was true. It was reasonable. And Alfonso knew that. But his heart still didn’t want to admit to it, didn’t want to admit that there was no way out with his love coming with him.

“Delilah, poppy, I-I can’t do this. I can’t, I won’t.” “So you’d rather the execution squad do it instead? I’m sure they’ll be a lot less merciful.” She raised an eyebrow at him, making him grit his teeth in frustration. Why wouldn’t she listen? “That’s not the point!” “Yes, it is! That’s the entire point! Alfonso, you’ve been calling the shots this entire trip. And for good reason too. But just this once, can’t I?” Delilah stepped forward, taking his hands into her own and forcing him to look at her. “Please. You gave Erica a choice, you made her death peaceful. The executioners won’t have the same level of care as you. I know what I’m asking of you and I know it’s an impossible thing to do but I’m still going to ask. If I have to go, the least I can do is make it on my terms. Won’t you let me have that?”

He hated this. He hated this. Why did everything he cared about get taken from him? Why couldn’t he have this one thing? He didn’t even realize he was crying until he felt Delilah’s hands brush at his cheeks. “I don’t want to lose you.” His voice was small and watery, almost broken. “Not like I’ve lost everything else. I just wanted this one thing to myself. Why couldn’t the universe just let me have this?” His cracking facade broke and the floodgates opened, collapsing into Delilah’s arms as sobs ripped from his chest. Alfonso knew it would come to this eventually but he had hoped, prayed, begged of the cosmos that it wouldn’t be this soon. He held her in a vice grip like she’d disappear if he didn’t hold on tight enough, burying his face in her shoulder.

Alfonso could feel her hands in his hair, combing through it and smoothing down his curls in that gentle way she did, could hear her soft voice trying to comfort him over the sound of his muffled sobs, could smell her lingering perfume clinging to her clothes. This was what he was going to lose. And he’d rather be struck down where he stood than let someone else give her anything but the most gentle way out. She was right. If there really was no way out, the least he could do was fulfill her final request for her. He pulled his head out of her neck to look into her eyes. “I’ll do it.” His voice was still weak but still confident and sure. And the relief that passed over her face was like warm honey to his soul. “Oh thank you thank you thank you, I know this is an impossible request but I just…don’t want it to be some clinical afterthought. I know you’ll take care of me.” “Of course I will poppy. Anything.” He gave her one last squeeze, memorizing everything about her that he could before stepping back. “Now, try and get comfortable. I know that’s a little hard out here but we can try.”

After a few minutes, Delilah was set up on her knees on his cape that she’d folded to give some padding. Alfonso was sure she noticed the way his hands were shaking as he drew his pistol. It was the same motions he’d done a hundred times before but this time felt so much heavier. He wasn’t sure if he should laugh or cry at the way she smiled as he lifted the pistol to fire. “I’ll never forget you, my poppy.” “I sure hope not, not after all this.” “I-I love you.” “I love you too, Alfonso. Always and forever.” The last thing he saw was her beautiful face before he squeezed his eyes shut and pulled the trigger.

His heart fell to the ground with a thud in time with her body. He didn’t want to open his eyes. If he opened them, it’d be real. He’d have to admit that he couldn’t save her and he was forced to do the thing he’d hoped he’d never have to do since the beginning. But he had to get moving. Delilah had given him the chance to go, to live on, to carry her memory with him, he had to take it before it was too-

“Stop! Drop your weapon!”

Late. He was too late. Once again. And now he’d pay the price for it. He opened his eyes to find himself surrounded by some of the Guild’s best and brightest, dressed all in black like the elements of death they were.

Alfonso dropped his pistol, lifting his hands to show he was no threat. “Go ahead. Kill me. I’m not going to fight you on it.” The squad seemed a little taken aback by his compliance but said nothing. The leader stepped over Delilah’s body, pressing the barrel of his gun to Alfonso’s forehead. “Any last words, Alfonso?”

Alfonso could only chuckle, tilting his head up to the stars as far as the executioner would allow. “Espérame, mi amapola. Así que no tenemos que estar solos al otro lado.”

He wouldn’t be able to carry on her memory, to take the second chance he’d given her, to live his life the way she would’ve wanted him to. The least he could do was make sure she wasn’t lonely in the great beyond.

“May you find the peace you fought for so valiantly in the next life, Alfonso Villalba.”

With a click and a bang, it was all over. A tragic, bloody ending to an equally tragic, bloody story with only one remaining to tell it.

If anyone ever asked Carmen what her most treasured memory was, she’d smile sadly before saying one thing.

“Let me tell you the story of the Matador Gothic.”

(And because I'm both cruel and unusual, here's the symbolism for those of you who want that extra bit of pain. I named her Delilah because Alfonso is Catholic and in the Bible there's the story of Samson, one of God's strongest soldiers, who got tricked into giving up his power by a woman named Delilah. Alfonso gave up everything to be with his love. I chose the nickname Poppy because poppies, according to the language of flowers, mean eternal sleep and oblivion. A tasty lil morsel of tragic foreshadowing.

Go check out my Ao3 for more unrelenting sadness)

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emptyportrait · 2 months

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i'm actually so fucking sick of zionists using phrases such as "Was it worth it, Hamas?" cause literally what the fuck are y'all yapping about??? Israel has been indiscriminately bombing gaza in front of our eyes since last October, Israel has murdered more than 30 thousands Palestinians within 5 months, Israel is forcefully starving gaza, Israel is the one committing war crimes everyday, Israel is continuing genocide and ethnic cleansing. Israel. is. illegally. occupying. Palestine.

we all know who are the perpetrators here. and zionists can't gaslight people into "hamas started it" bullshit anymore. everyone is actually sick of Israel's dumb colonialism propaganda where they just repeat same old tactics “how dare you palestinians resist us, after we have your stolen land, freedom, human rights and subjugated your people under fascist colonial regime.”

Israel carry out atrocities in broad daylight and then go ahead blame Palestinian resistance for the said act of savagery they've performed, "O their audacity!" indeed!

#“free gaza from hamas!” how about i smash your head with a hammer??#ain't nobody buying that shit #they've been doing this for last 75 #years since the nakba #enough is enough #from the river to the sea palestine will be free #free gaza #palestinian resistance #long live the resistance #fuck israel #anti zionisim #free palestine #gaza strip #gaza #palestinian genocide #Palestine

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fairycosmos · 5 months

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it's like why do i feel ashamed of every action or inaction i ever make. will i ever be ok with myself. will i ever just let it be

#seriously it's exhausting agnoising over whatever i do or dont do it's shit i just want to live and #not think

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spitblaze · 1 year

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Men and masculinity are not inherently bad or untrustworthy things and I don't mean that in a 'misandry is real and a problem' way, I mean that in a 'I think some of you might have contracted minor radfem poisoning' way

#spitblaze says things #its...not normal or good to look at two gay men living their life and go 'EW GROSS MEN BLEGH DISGUSTING'#being fed up with patriarchal structure and a general 'men' is one thing. i get that shit #disgust and disdain at all who (or DON'T but you think they do) identify as such is uh. worth maybe thinking a lil harder about #doin numbers

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that-one-weird-cloud0 · 3 months

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Danny: *just chilling on the couch while being very still™️ at the Wayne Manor*

Clark: *comes to visit*

Clark: hey Bruce?

Bruce: yes?

Clark: why is there a dead child in your living room?

Bruce: what 0-0

Danny: oh shit

Danny: *starts up heartbeat* better?

Clark: *even more freaked out*

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knifearo · 5 months

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being aromantic is like. hey btw you're going to live a life that is the culmination of most of society's worst nightmares. sorry lol ✌️ but then you turn around and take a really good hard look at it and it turns out that living in that nightmare is fucking awesome and you get to wake up every day and take that fear that other people have and laugh and hold it close until it's a great joy for you instead. and being happy is a radical act that you define instead of someone else. and you're sexy as fuck that's just a fact of life i don't make the rules on that one

#aromantic people are just sexy i'm not making the decisions here it's just facts #course ur hot as fuck. it came free with the aromanticism #being sexy is just default settings for aromantic people 👍#hope this all helps. anyway i'm on my 'i hope i die alone <3 i can't wait to die alone <3' kick rn #i think the existential fear that people have of Not Partnering specifically is so. well.#obviously that shit is strong and it is SO awesome to be free of it.#realizing you're aro and you don't Want a partner can be such a hit to the solar plexus #cause society says that's the only thing that'll make you happy. so either you go without that thing or you force yourself #into doing something you don't want which would make you unhappy anyway.#so you think it's a lose lose situation and you have to come to terms with what amatonormativity presents as the worst possible situation #but then! whoa! turns out personhood is inherently valuable in and of itself and romantic partnering is just a construct!#and that nightmare is now your life to do with as you please... define as you will... structure as you want...#best case scenario. is what i'm saying.#every day i wake up ready to spit all that amatonormative rhetoric back in life's teeth by being alone and being happy #and it's so fucking satisfying. every day.#fucking JUBILANT being by myself. and i love being a living breathing 'fuck you' to the romantic system #you need a partner to be happy? oh that's sooo fucking crazy guess i'll go be miserable then. in my perfect fucking dream life lmao #yeah obviously it's the worst possible outcome on earth to die without a partner. so terrible. can't wait for it :)#aromantic #aromanticism #aro positivity #aroace #arospec #sorry to bitches who are sad about not having a partner. i could not give a fuck though get better soon #you couldn't EVER pay me enough to go back to a mindset in which my inherent value wasn't enough by myself.#FUCK that shit. absolutely miserable and a bad life outlook in general. like genuinely do the work w/ amatonormativity and get better #life is something that can be so fulfilling whether someone wants to kiss you or whatever or not #i'm on antidepressants and i have people i care deeply about. what the fuck would i need a partner for lmao

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podcast-hemocytoblast · 5 months

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What if when Michael got Distortioned he/they/it/(?) had just kept showing up to work? Imagine Gertrude comes into the archives and finds a bunch of paperwork filled out in yellow highlighter and folded into impossible shapes, and then Michael-Distortion just walks into the room door-style and sits down at his work computer so it can email Gertrude a phishing scam.

#the magnus archives #tma #michael distortion #the distortion #i think this would make everyone’s lives worse #the eye 🤝(<-phishing) the spiral #tricking someone into thinking you’re someone they can trust so that theyll give you info they can use against you?#that shits both eye and spiral coded af tbh #edit: for those who have said that they want a fic of this i would like to clarify that other people can do what they want with this idea #but i personally cannot write for shit #so i cannot provide a fic. unless you want it bland as hell and written in ieee format #sorry y’all. my skillsets are infodumping about spiders unprompted and eating chicken nugget

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beybuniki · 10 days

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they should go on a fishing trip pt.1

#DONT COMMENT ON THE BACKGROUND I KNOWWWWWWWWWWWW #anyway this is day 1. they take a bus. the bakugo household has fishing gear so ´deku is wearing bakugo's onesoe (?) and bakugo is wearing #his dad's. and notices he has grown :')#anyway they take a BUS and don't feel like doing this at all it's awkward for so many reason #also trying to relax after everything is neurologically just really hard they might be hyperivgilant dik #and there's so much they never got to unpack bnut they have to and they have to start somewhere and with someone #deku makes that flower crown while bakugo preps everything and they both look at it and are thrown back into their childhood 🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️#and at first they just sit and wait for the bavarian fish to bite (rody should make a cameo tbh) but then bakugo breaks the iceeee.#and he starts with their moms because their moms have been such a stubbron connection between these two :')#and deku answers with the usual 'good :) how's your mom :)?' and to everyone's surprise he actually opens up #and tells deku about his mom's insomnia because she watched her son die (that shit was live streamed tpo 10 bnha tweets btw)#idk i love to think of their moms being a very easy subject to connect through i think it's easier for them that way to be more vulnerablei #and then some fish biteeeeeeeeeeee #but like 3 small ones so they have to gather berries and mushrooms and make stew (dw there's an aldi this is bavaria after all)#but yeah day 1 is a bit weird like it's just them in the woods with no distractions #which is so different from whatever went on during their 1st year of high school #don't read this i will throw up i just need this somewhere this is my public scrapbook #bnha #deku #midoriya izuku #bakugo katsuki #the flower crown on their knees makes this a bit homosexual but fishing is always homosexual im not fighting against that #au:#fishing

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friendly-neighborhood-furry · 6 days

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for anyone who doesn't have the Return YouTube Dislike Plugin, here's how Watcher Entertainment's "Goodbye Youtube" video is doing right now

yeah... gonna throw out a yikes on that one

i suspect this number will only keep growing in the coming days/weeks, especially the longer and longer we go without any sort of response.

EDIT: its only been three hours and the number has already jumped to 206K dislikes.

#the fucking balls to link to their merch store on the announcement video too #as a long time fan i'm very disappointed #i get that creatives want to and SHOULD be paid fairly for their work.#hell my dad got laid off by MF DISNEY for wanting to be paid a fair wage for the work he was doing #but we're not talking about the billion dollar mega-corporation Disney here #we're talking about a company that by *all respects* should be able to sustain itself off of Youtube Ads & Patreon & Merch & Live Shows-#WITHOUT blowing 100K on flying 6 people out to haunted houses or paying 20 people to make and produce ONE lets play video #in short: Watcher... get your shit together.#watcher entertainment #we are watcher #watcher #shane medej #ryan bergara #steven lim

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egophiliac · 8 months

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starting off with an amuse-bouche of some of my initial favorite bits! y'all, this update was WILD.

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers #we really got it all in this update huh #we got flashbacks! backstory! shocking twists! cgs?!#we got the silver breakdown to end all silver breakdowns #the boy does not emote for 6 episodes straight and now it's POURING out and i am shoving my face directly into it #not to mention my favorite: action scenes represented by intensely wiggling the sprites around #and OF COURSE meleanor my beloved. your highness. ma'am. holy shit.#i guess it's mel instead of mal? hey she can spell her name however she wants #meleanor can do whatever she wants about anything. who is going to stop her.#meleanor: hold on baby. mommy wants to make a point. (yeets malleus' egg across the room into liia's face)#man though i am so afraid that crowley really might turn out to have been revaan this whole time #because this means we live in a world where dire fucking crowley managed to pull BOTH meleanor and lilia and i cannot accept that #briar valley are you okay. is it something in the water.#mrs. zigvolt took all the good taste and left none for anyone else

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jacks347 · 2 months

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Thanks to the people in my comments and in my reblogs (I really do love y'all, continue spreading the gospel of overthinking my pretties >:3), I'm going to add something to my last post that I missed. I meant to talk about it but in my stream of consciousness typing, I forgot about it. What can I say, I'm human.

My main problem with the Milo vs Darlin situation is how it was handled with the rest of the pack. Now, Gabe was still Alpha when Milo and Sweetheart went on their little hunt which I will admit, I totally forgot about. I have to take several seconds to remember what day it is, you expect me to keep a timeline straight?

Anyway, do I believe Milo got a verbal lashing from Gabe about being an idiot. Oh absolutely. I have no doubt about that. But Milo never tells the rest of the pack about what happened. I guess it may not have been necessary but there was still a shade at an event the pack was working, it may have been nice to tell them that was the issue! Maybe Gabe did, we'll never know. But we know that Milo himself never tells them.

That's not what happens with Darlin. And that's where things get unfair.

David says "We're going to tell them together" meaning that he's making Darlin get up in front of everyone and explain the situation. Now I can't say I don't understand it. Darlin knows the situation a lot better than David, they have all the details, they know how Quinn acts. But they could've told David about the important details, they could've given him the information for him to relay. David could've handled telling the pack about Quinn that didn't blame Darlin.

Because Quinn's actions weren't Darlin's fault.

Darlin was forced to stand in front of everyone they'd known growing up and spill their mistakes and the consequences of it while still being pretty raw and vulnerable from getting out of an abusive relationship and was reprimanded by the only people they could still consider family.

And that's where I have a problem. I think David handled the situation wrong and I can't entirely blame him for it. We know David was and still is not entirely confident in his role as Alpha. He hasn't had to deal with big situations like this before and most likely acted just a little bit on emotion. He probably acted a little bit on anger or petty revenge for making him worry so much and I can't hold that against him. But it's not how he should've handled it.

It was unfair and cruel to Darlin. They shouldn't have been put in that situation. Did they deserve a bit of blame for not telling the pack that Quinn got away before they left for Washington? Yes. I'm not delusional, that was a stupid decision and they deserve what they get on that front. But everything else? No. The way Quinn reacted was not their fault and they didn't deserve to get lit into for it.

Okay I think that's everything else I needed to cover. As you can tell, this is one of those points I am deeply passionate about. But I'm gonna shut up now-

(All of this just from asking "Do you think Darlin holds a grudge against Milo for not getting treated like they did despite having the same situation?")

#once again #this got out of hand #but im nothing if not detailed #consider this a part 2 #overthinking 2: electric boogaloo #i do this shit for a living #and im not even getting paid #asmr roleplay #redacted audio #redacted asmr #redacted darlin #redacted david #redacted milo #redacted shaw pack

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clown-owo · 9 months

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🤨

bonus:

#good omens spoilers #gos2spoilers #good omens #good omens season 2 #goodomensedit #aziraphale #crowley #og post #gifs #the thesis of this gifset is:#“aziraphale lies BADLY to crowley's FACE repeatedly for no reason and crowley ALWAYS takes him at his word #but crowley's the demon so he's the one who lies. apparently"#i just think its hilarious #and the fact that crowley doesn't notice aziraphale lying despite the fact he knows how he lies (see: Job) because “why would he lie to ME”#i don't think crowley thinks the inverse of aziraphale (“you're an angel. its not what you do”) because he KNOWS he lied to heaven #(again see:Job)#this took so fucking long i'd open photoshop and my computer would shit itself #even worse if i dare opened a longer video to make into several gifs #sacrificed my Firefox window to my computer like a newborn lamb so that photoshop may live but it barely even helped #apparently i do NOT have the needed ram for gifmaking #i mean i did do it. i completed it. but still #though it worked a bit better after i restarted my computer. so. maybe i should do that more frequently lmao #i tried to include “i'm a demon. i lied” but it just did not. fit. quite right

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inkskinned · 9 months

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you were raised in comparison.

it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.

you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.

you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.

what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.

it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.

you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.

you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?

a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.

you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.

it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.

something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.

#writeblr #warm up #my dad was actively doing bad shit to us and we STILL were told we were lucky . and to a point i do think im lucky #i just think also there's somethin to be said about like. how about we stop using comparison to dismiss ppls individual struggles #yes there are people who have no perspective. for the reference tho having perspective actually made me really unwilling to get help #for what was a serious and debilitating mental health issue. bc i thought i didnt DESERVE IT #and i would rather have 600 ppl who aren't THAT bad get help and get heard and get seen #than make any 1 kid. do the math that i did: look at the world that is dying and the people who are hurting and say #''oh. okay. others have it worse. they are probably better people than i am. i am being unreasonable. i cannot ask for help #i am not good. i am taking too much space. i am not worth saving.''#bc our WHOLE lives we are taught a scarcity mindset - that you can 'steal' from someone. so that instead of changing a system that doesn't #actually offer fair support to everyone #we put the impetus on the individual to just... demand less.#and here's something - there are probably ppl who think i DIDNT deserve to get help #bc i DID have it better than other people #and something about that is ... so sickening. bc i think all of us in some way at some point WILL need help.#we were supposed to make communities. we were supposed to offer our hands. we were supposed to raise the barn #instead we said: it could be worse. now handle it yourself

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