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kindoffruity · 1 year

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Smitten - Chapter Five - Neteyam's POV

Summary: We've got some jealous Neteyam and a lil feral Aonung for the heart.

Warning: As usual, non canon compliant. There is some mild violence, just a bit of a heads up. We will be wrapping this up in one more chapter.

Smitten: Chapter 5 - Mine - Neteyam's POV

With Aonung gone for the month, Neteyam felt the need to step up more around the reef. Ronal and Tonowari were preparing a new home for their son, it was tense for him to be around the couple. Tonowari was nice, even when he was angry he had never really stepped out of line. But Ronal? Neteyam always felt shy around her, he was scared to offend her. He really cared about her thoughts on him, so he made sure he was there to help.

“What is it you like about my son?” Ronal had asked him while she made the bed for Aonung whenever he returned. Neteyam was taken aback by the question, trying to calculate what he should or should not say. Sure, there was his physical appearance. Aonung’s height alone seemed to fluster Neteyam. He would not dare tell Ronal that.

“He makes me feel safe, when I am with him, I feel like I am home.” Neteyam’s response seemed to satisfy Ronal. “Would you die for him?” She asked. “I would. And, I would kill for him.” Neteyam showed no hesitation in his response. Ronal seemed pleased that her son had a partner who loved him that much.

Tonowari never once questioned Neteyam’s feelings, all he did was start inviting him out more, once to a hunt. It did not go well for Neteyam who had not ever learned to ride a Skimwing, he struggled keeping up with his Ilu. “It is fine, Neteyam. You will learn, son.” Tonowari placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder, and Neteyam couldn’t hold back a smile. It made him want to learn.

Neteyam was used to excelling at almost everything he did, so it wasn’t a surprise when he had finally picked up a spear to practice with. He had seen Tonowari and even Ronal use it, he imagined if they could do it. He would be able to learn to use the weapon. The spear felt heavy in his hands compared to his bow, managing to move with it and keep his balance was something he struggled with.

He was used to being great at everything he did, so to struggle with this foreign object really sparked up his insecurities again. Except, Aonung wasn’t here to tell him he would be fine and he was proud of him for trying. Sometimes, he really missed the participation trophies Aonung would give him.

It didn’t help that quite a few people were not fond of their relationship. Neteyam never realized how many people seemed to like Aonung until he was promised to him. Neteyam could feel judgemental stares and even backhanded comments constantly. “He cannot even use a spear, why would ‘Nung choose him?” Neteyam could overhear, the nickname threw him off. Who was this person to be calling him ‘Nung? Was that a pet name of sorts?

Neteyam decided to not pay attention to it, he used the words to fuel him to get better. Neteyam wasn’t jealous or insecure, he should have known Aonung would have some sort of fan club. But regardless, Aonung had chosen him and would choose him over anyone. Neteyam was sure of this.

Neteyam did eventually get better using a spear, once he learned to treat the weapon as a mere extension of himself. Plus Rotxo had sparred with him in exchange for a date with Kiri, which went surprisingly well. Neteyam couldn’t feel prideful for too long though.

“I just don’t think he’s that attractive, I mean maybe in the forest he was considered attractive. But I find the whole small tail and small eyes to be unattractive. I mean, personally I think I’d look a lot better standing next to the future Olo’eyktan.”

The words came from a group not too far from him, Neteyam clenched a fist, he had never heard any of these things when Aonung was here. The gossipping about him never ceased, either they were talking about how lucky Aonung was or apparently how Aonung could do so much better than him.

“Maybe I’ll just steal him away,”

That was truthfully the last straw for Neteyam.

“I don’t know, ‘Nung seems to like this small tail,” Neteyam mocked as he approached the group. He was a little disappointed seeing them, they could have at least been attractive and talking about him. The group looked surprised that he had said anything. “Don’t be shy now, you think you’d look better than me next to him? Who said that?” Neteyam moved to sit right next to them, a young woman and two men, probably part of Aonung’s fan club.

There was silence, they all exchanged looks. Scared to speak up.

“Don’t be like that. I thought you guys wanted to steal him away from me,” Neteyam was more annoyed they wouldn’t say it to his face at this point. “I’ll tell you guys what, if all of you combined could beat me in a fight, I’ll let you have him.” Neteyam offered with a smile, it was petty. This wasn’t really like him, this was more of Lo’ak’s signature but he would absolutely drag these three.

“Pathetic,” Neteyam moved to stand back up, a hand on his waist to bring some attention to the creation Aonung made for him. “Allow this to be the first and last warning. Aonung is mine. He will always be mine.” Neteyam warned, eyeing the group up and down before walking away. His tail swished as he walked, since they seemed to like it so much.

- - -

Aonung’s return was surreal, Neteyam had been prepared to not see his lover for months. But he had kept himself so busy he felt like he didn’t get the chance to really truly miss him, until he saw Aonung on the beach. Neteyam’s chest felt tight and suddenly the whole month and a half without Aonung hit him, he wanted to just jump into his arms but everyone was surrounding him. They surrounded him at dinner, they wanted to hear the stories, admire the new tattoo on his body.

Neteyam could only watch from a distance, knowing that his lover was now considered a man made him so much more attractive. He was going to head to sleep when he had the overwhelming urge to visit his lover in his new Marui, remembering he had left so many beads from when he and Tsireya practiced braiding together. He hoped it wouldn’t bother Aonung that he had basically made himself at home there.

“You have arrived.” Neteyam teased because he hadn’t gotten the opportunity to greet his lover, he couldn’t help but laugh as he was tugged into the home and cuddled with. Aonung was apologizing for not spending any time with him? Neteyam was really spoiled.

Aonung wouldn’t even let him leave, Neteyam didn’t put up much of a fight to leave anyways. Instead, he admired the black Ink on his lover's arms. “So, does anyone call you Nung?” Neteyam asked curiously. “Uh.. Not that I can recall, how come?” Aonung asked, his eyes closed. His hands were gently tickling Neteyam’s back as they cuddled.

“Just curious, I heard through the grapevine that your pet name is Nung and you have a bit of a fan club.” Neteyam teased, tossing his leg over his tired lover. “Is that so? Are any of them cute?” Aonung was clearly joking but Neteyam glared up at him. “Not cuter than me. Plus, I told them you had a thing for small tails.”

“Don’t say it like that, I only have a thing for your small tail.” Aonung emphasized his statement by grabbing his tail, causing Neteyam to flush. “What else happened while I was away? Tell me everything, my love.” Aonung pressed a kiss to his head, Neteyam could have melted right there. Neteyam spilled almost everything, he talked to Aonung about Kiri and Rotxo’s date and how he had hung out with Tonowari and Ronal.

“Tsireya and I switched braiding techniques, so I can braid your hair now. You’ve gotta let it out and show me what it looks like.” Neteyam was excited to be able to do his lover's hair, it was something he had always thought about doing but he had been worried he wouldn’t know how to do it correctly.

They spent so much time talking, neither one of them knew when they had fallen asleep.

The only thing Neteyam knew was he had woken up to Aonung jumping up, it startled Neteyam thinking they were under attack or something. Yet it was just Lo’ak being an ass again, Neteyam glared and he must have been half asleep because he had grumpily let out the secret that Lo’ak and Tsireya had mated already, a secret in which Aonung nor their parents knew of.

Aonung took off chasing Lo’ak and Neteyam wondered if he should have stopped the two. But the bed smelt just like Aonung, the spot they had been laying in still warmed. He wasn’t leaving. Neteyam simply rolled over, laying on his stomach and he was practically surrounded by the smell of his lover. He could hear the yelling and throwing of things in the distance.

Neteyam went back to sleep for an extra hour feeling content.

- - -

Neteyam had woken up to Aonung laying on top of him, at first the extra weight was nice, like a warm blanket resting over him. Except, Aonung wouldn’t stop whispering for him to wake up, planting kisses all over his head and nibbling at his ear. “Aonung.. Enough.. I am up.” Neteyam whined, turning his head to look at him. “Ouch.. Hopefully, Lo’ak looks the same at least?” Neteyam was taken aback by the nice busted lip Aonung wore.

“Tsireya saved him. But it does hurt, you should kiss it and make it better.” Aonung pursed his lips out, Neteyam couldn’t resist him at all, planting a large kiss on his lips, slowly moving to lay on his back mid kiss. Neteyam’s hands trailing down his back in a gentle scratch, one of his legs locking around Aonung’s hips to make sure he stayed in this position.

“Looks like you feel better..” Neteyam teased against Aonung’s lips. “Nope nope.. it still hurts, my tongue hurts too because I bit it.” Neteyam couldn’t even hold back his laughter, “What does that even mean? You want me to kiss your tongue?” Neteyam asked in disbelief. “You know.. They say saliva has healing attributes.” Aonung kissed him again, this time Neteyam deepening the kiss and slipping his tongue in Aonung’s mouth to help heal him.

Neteyam tried not to laugh at the thought as they made out, the couple making up for a month and a half of lost time. Their arms clinging to each other, not wanting to let the other go. Aonung rested his full weight on Neteyam, their hips pressed together as Neteyam locked his legs around him to keep the pressure right there. Aonung pulled away from the steamy kiss to plant kisses on his neck, biting down on the skin and leaving little love bites on the skin. Neteyam sighed happily at the feeling of kisses at his neck, missing the touch of his lover.

“I can’t wait to wake up to you every morning… I’ll wake you up just like this..” Aonung’s hands traveled his body teasingly as he adorned Neteyam’s neck with all sorts of kisses and nibbles, just taking his time with him.

There was a knock from outside, Neteyam instantly froze smacking Aonung off of him, he pushed him off the bed to the floor, not wanting to get caught like this. Aonung fell off the bed with a loud thud. “Y-yes?” Aonung called out as Neteyam shot to his feet to straighten his messy appearance out.

Tonowari walked in and Neteyam occupied himself by watering the plants, hiding his marked neck from the older man. “Aonung.. Why are you on the floor?” Tonowari asked with calculating eyes, “I was just stretching, father. What do you need?” Aonung really came up with the dumbest excuses in Neteyam’s head.

“There is an Akula at the edge of the reef, threatening our fish, let us go.” Tonowari was inviting Aonung to protect the reef with him, Neteyam tried to maintain a normal composure until Tonowari had left before he practically jumped on Aonung, pulling him for another kiss. It took Aonung by surprise but he caught the other nonetheless. Neteyam was just so proud of his lover for getting this far. “Wow, what a big strong man protecting our reef.” Neteyam was teasing but it was clear he was excited for his partner. Aonung was just surprised to hear Neteyam say ‘our’ reef.

“Neteyam.. Let’s mate tonight. I think we have waited long enough,” Aonung’s words took Neteyam by surprise but Neteyam was ready for it, “Let us mate tonight. When you come back,” Neteyam promised, pushing himself up to stand on the tips of his toes to plant another kiss on his lips.

“Be safe, my love.” Neteyam had no choice but to let him go, he watched him get ready with a sense of pride in his partner.

Neteyam wanted to be like that, he wanted to join him on the hunt. He wanted to protect the reef, his new home, with his partner.

- - -

Neteyam decided that he would master a skimwing before they mated, he wanted to accomplish this because he wanted to be Aonung’s equal. He had already mastered an Ikran, and an Ilu. How hard would it be? Plus his father had learned without even riding an Ilu.

Neteyam took Etera out, settling at a small island where she would wait for him in case he needed her. Neteyam spotted a few, now that he thought about it, they brought one to his father. Neteyam was trying to catch and form the bond all on his own. It was not as easy as he thought it would be, they were fucking fast.

Every time Neteyam had even grabbed onto one, it practically thrashed him off. Neteyam did like the challenge though, he had grabbed onto a different one, immediately locking his thighs on the trashing fish. He reached to make the bond, the second it was made the skimwing took off instantly. Neteyam kept up as best as he could, practically choking on the water as it dragged him far out.

Neteyam lost his grip on it, flying off the large animal. He couldn’t help but laugh after he had finished coughing up all the water he had swallowed. His adrenaline was still pumping, he found it kind of fun to ride that fast. “Where did you go?” Neteyam looked around, treading in the water as he looked to find his skimwing. Except, it was nowhere to be seen. Neteyam didn't receive the memo that just because you caught one and bonded with them, did not mean they would stay. Skimwing where finicky, they were stubborn, and would leave you behind.

“More and more, I understand why my mother never learned how to ride..” Neteyam thought to himself as he started to make his way back, he had been dragged quite a distance. At this point he was lucky if he made it back by eclipse.

Neteyam had started swimming back, half tempted to call Etera to grab him when he heard a loud wail in the distance. The sound broke his heart instantly, he wasn’t sure what came over him but he felt a strong need to follow the sound. With zero hesitation, Neteyam took off in the direction of the painful wail. Whatever it was, it sounded hurt.

Neteyam approached a rock, climbing it and hiding behind it as he looked to see what the sound could have possibly been making that noise. His eyes widened, it was a Tulkun impaled with a tracking device. Usually, Tulkun traveled in packs.

Neteyam instantly made his way over, swimming as fast as he could to the beeping device. “We need to get this off of you, they are coming.” Neteyam signed, apologizing for any pain that would be felt as he had to rip the device off. “Once this is off you need to go away, as fast as possible. I will make sure they never hurt you again.” Neteyam pulled as hard as he could, trying to rip the device off. He started to panic when he couldn’t get it off, he could see the boat in the distance.

Tulkun Hunters.

Neteyam pulled out his knife, using the blade to saw at the thin part that was pierced through the Tulkun’s fin. Neteyam’s heart was racing as he noticed the boat getting closer, he finally heard a snap. He had cut through the sharp part, pulling out the heavy device and freeing the Tulkun. He dropped underneath the water, his eyes widened as he recognized Aonung’s spirit brother, he must have been returning from their trials. Suddenly, the attack felt more personal than anything. Neteyam swam the device far away from the Tulkun, he dropped it allowing it to sink and explode underwater.

Neteyam swam to the surface, gasping in a large breath, he hollered for Etera. His Ikran was there momentarily, Neteyam slid onto her back, clinging as he was wet. He knew he should have just gone home and called for backup, but he couldn’t trust that they wouldn’t go after him again. Neteyam flew over the large boat, there were only a few sky people, he could take them down.

Neteyam maneuvered Etera above the boat before he grabbed his bow and arrow off her, immediately shooting towards those in mechanical suits to render them powerless before he jumped off of her, landing on the deck. He had the element of surprise on his side, plus an intense rage for those who hadn’t learned their lesson since Payakan.

Neteyam had enough of this, tossing the sky people into the water or piercing them with his arrow, he had an advantage on them with his size. What he hadn't counted on was there being more than two of them with their mechanical suits, that set them as almost evenly matched and with that, blinded by rage had under anticipated the amount of enemies on the ship. Neteyam hissed threateningly, despite being outnumbered, he wasn’t going to back down.

It was his worst trait.

Neteyam slapped the gun out of one’s hand, rushing for it. Simultaneously, one reached for a baton that shocked him, the electricity surged through his body and he stumbled to his knees, just missing the gun as it was kicked from him. Neteyam grabbed someone's leg and dragged them down with him because he wasn’t going down alone. Suddenly, he was surrounded feeling a gun cock to the back of his head, he glared. Twisting his body to knock the gun away from his head, while his body was turnt he felt another surge of electricity rush through him, it burned. His body too stunned to move, they took advantage of this and dragged him towards the railing where they tied his hands to it. Neteyam could hardly breathe as he tried to gain control of his body that still felt the pulses of electricity rush through him.

“We have to kill him, if we release him he will just come back with more people!” Neteyam could hear them shout about how they could get rid of him. Neteyam searched around for how he could get himself out of the situation, the ropes burning on his wrists as he tugged and pulled at the rusted railing to break himself free.

“We are here to hunt Tulkuns, they will come for this boy!”

Neteyam smirked knowing it was true, they would come for him as soon as they realized he was missing. Neteyam’s leg swiped at one of the Tulkun Hunters walking by, knocking him down and wrapping his legs around his neck to suffocate using his thighs. His hands tugged harder at the railing, feeling it snap with him. There was a series of gasps as he managed to rip off a piece of the railing and use it to stab into the person he had caught.

Neteyam didn’t care if his hands were bound, he still proved to be a threat, a warning shot was sent in his direction, both of his arms were grabbed by those in mechanical suits, and another approached him with the taser, shocking him right in the stomach. “That is enough! Where is the Tulkun or we will kill you.” It was a threat, Neteyam bit back a wince as he stared up at them. What were there five now? Possibly six.

“Speak!” The taser was sparked up again in a threat, the zapping noise visibly making him flinch as he was preparing himself for the thrumming of it.

Neteyam glared, mustering up his strength and spitting in their face, his arms trying to break free. The spitting must have been really disrespectful because he received a nice backhand smack with the baton, Neteyam took it with a straight face. Blood dripped from the side of his head where he had taken most of the impact.

Still he did not budge.

“Etera! Get Aonung and Lo’ak!” Neteyam shouted in his native tongue. The adrenaline pumping in his veins as he heard his Ikran’s loud screech as she flew off. Neteyam couldn’t help but smirk, pulling once again to try and break free.

“When they come for you, they will kill all of you.” Neteyam warned in english. Until then, he would hold them off. Neteyam used their weight against them, tugging down the suit itself and forcing them to crash into one another, reaching his arms down and pulling his hands out to snap the burning rope from his wrists; he had managed to break free for the second time, running to grab the sharpened staff he had impaled the other with.

Neteyam leaped over the suits struggling to get up, pushing the sharp railing he had broken off into the chest of the enemy, he counted down how many there were left. His body starting to drag from the strain on it, he struggled to catch his breath and suddenly an arrow was pushed by the hunter underneath him. The arrow pushed into his stomach causing him to stumble back, his enemies taking advantage of him being injured hit him from behind with the metal baton.

Neteyam gasped laying on his back, everything felt dizzy and his heart was racing, the sharp pain in his stomach almost seemed to go numb as they shocked him repeatedly to the point where he couldn’t move. His eyes watered and were forced shut as he held back the pain that rushed through him, he wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of seeing him cry or in pain.

“This motherfucker is relentless, we should have just killed him while we had the chance.”

Neteyam could hear them, he thought they would have finished the job or perhaps they decided it would be easier to allow him to suffer to his death. Those he had thrown oversea, a few had survived and crawled back onto the ship. Neteyam tried to count but even if he tried to escape again, his body was dead weight with how many hits he had actually taken.

- - -

Aonung had returned from the hunt with his father and his men, just beaming with pride as they had managed to fight off a nice pack of Akula from their reef; it was the first time he had gone out to hunt with his father. It really just settled in the reality that he was now a warrior now, there was no higher honor to him besides being Neteyam’s mate of course.

Aonung carried two teeth from their enemy for his lover in his hand, surely Neteyam already had some but Aonung would forever dedicate each of his hunts and trophies to the love of his life.

The second his feet hit the sand, something felt off, he couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong, he could feel a sudden sharp pain but absolutely no impact on his body. Aonung found it weird but returned to his home nonetheless, he had expected Neteyam to be there but he wasn’t. Neteyam’s bow wasn’t there either? Was he on a hunt? Aonung took a look around the reef, wanting to give his lover his new trophies from his day.

Aonung groaned again, feeling his body seem to tense up, something was definitely wrong, his tattoo seemed to burn and everything just seemed off.

“Bro what is wrong?” Lo’ak called out to Aonung who was clutching his stomach, Aonung had no visible injuries though. “I do not know.. Something is wrong though, I can feel it.” Aonung warned, “Where is Neteyam?” Aonung asked Lo’ak who shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, he had no idea where his brother was.

Then he heard a loud screech, panicked, begging to be heard from a distance. The wings flapping were rushed as the large Ikran practically crash landed in front of him. Aonung had expected Neteyam to be on Etera, but he wasn’t. Etera pushed its head into Aonung aggressively, bearing herself to him to ride. Suddenly, reality had settled in. Neteyam was what was wrong.

Lo’ak instantly yipped, rushing to grab his spear. Aonung was frozen in place though, immediately the absolute worst thoughts filling his head as the large animal kept pushing him, Aonung grabbed his own weapon without a warning and jumped onto Etera, his thighs locked on her and suddenly his fear of heights were gone.

He had never bonded with this animal, yet he trusted her to guide him to Neteyam. Lo’ak right behind him, underneath them was Tsireya and Kiri following on their Ilu’s. The pain in Aonung’s abdomen never ceased, it burned as if warning him of what to expect.

They approached the large deck, Aonung could see his spirit brother in the distance rushing to get to his pack, on the large ship he could see them struggling to get moving, a few people motionless. Aonung assumed they were unconscious or even dead, then he caught a glimpse of Neteyam’s body in the corner, unmoving with an arrow piercing his stomach, there was blood everywhere yet he couldn’t decipher who it belonged to.

Aonung immediately presumed they had killed Neteyam, Aonung let out a loud battle cry, jumping off Etera without warning, piercing his spear into the large mechanical suit. Aonung could only see the blood of his lover splattered. They would pay for what they had done. War was never brought to his home until this very moment. Aonung without a second of hesitation, withdrew his spear and immediately slammed into it another unsuspecting enemy.

“Shit grab him!” He could hear someone shout, next thing he knew their hands were on Neteyam, holding a blade to his neck. It was then Aonung recognized Neteyam was still alive, “Take one step and I will kill him!” It was a threat, Aonung hissed, part of him didn’t want to risk it. Neteyam looked in so much pain, he could see the blood starting to spill from the wound. Aonung held out his spear threateningly, Neteyam looked at him, mustering his strength, Neteyam head butted the one holding him.

Aonung took that opportunity to throw and pierce the spear into his head, sliding to his knees to catch his lover in his arms. Aonung scooped Neteyam in his arms, careful of his wound and moved him away from the middle of their battlefield. Aonung was livid, now that he knew Neteyam was alive, the rage was permanent as he took it upon himself to destroy the whole ship, in a protective stance over his lover. The remaining members on the boat tried to scramble to defend themselves, gripping on their guns and shooting towards them.

Aonung after setting Neteyam down, ran towards them slamming their guns away with his spear and going as far as stabbing into one and tossing them into another, there was more bloodshed than Aonung had ever seen or participated in. Yet, not even killing them seemed to subside his rage.

Once all the threats were eliminated he was back at Neteyam’s side, pulling him into his arms with care, his bloodied hands caressing his face to see if his lover was okay. Kiri and Tsireya had joined him, when they reached for Neteyam, Aonung couldn’t help but to growl and hiss almost possessively over his lover, slapping their hands away. The action caused both women to cease reaching for Neteyam.

Lo’ak dropped down with the last two Tulkun hunters, tossing their dead bodies overboard. Lo’ak for some reason knew not to even touch Neteyam or Aonung, the aura around Aonung was threatening as he scrambled his lover into his arms. “We need to get him back, now. He is injured.” Kiri shouted at Aonung, who hoisted up Neteyam, who seemed to whimper from the pain. That seemed to bring Aonung down from his protective state of mind, climbing onto Etera they took off towards the reef.

“I cannot believe he did that.. He is my brother!” Kiri was offended, rushing after him to check on her brother. “She does not understand that is his mate.” Even Lo’ak understood that bond as he pulled Tsireya to join him on his Ikran to head back towards the reef, there would be a large commotion as they landed.

- - -

As imagined, the second they landed there was all sorts of commotion, Aonung rushing his lover to his mother frantically, he needed help. Neteyam was strong, holding onto his arm to show he was okay, even though his vision was getting blurry.

“We must remove this arrow, removing it will mean a lot of blood, we need to apply pressure, stop the bleeding, and clean the wound.” Ronal, Neytiri, Kiri and Tsireya at his side, ready to help Neteyam. The arrow was removed with a wince, the arrow had been holding back most of the blood. Aonung struggled to watch, his fists clenching, logically he knew they were just helping but his heart felt torn watching his lover writhe in pain.

Neteyam was strong. Aonung knew this, he respected him and always admired him for it. He knew he would pull through.

The blood seemed to slow down with pressure, then came to clean the wound, “Hold him down, Neytiri his legs. Tsireya and Kiri his arms.” Ronal warned, she glanced at Tonowari and Jake, as if silently warning them. The liquid stung, Neteyam practically cried out from the burning sensation, he pulled and tried to break away from the pain.

Aonung saw red, “Let him go!! You are hurting him!” Aonung practically lunged, feeling a need to protect his lover from pain, Jake and Tonowari gripped his arms to hold him back. “Remove him at once.” Ronal commanded and they practically threw Aonung out despite his protests to be there for his lover.

The whole thing killed him, he hadn’t been there for Neteyam while he was injured, now Neteyam was still in pain and he couldn’t do a single thing about it. His rage struggled to subside as he punched into a tree repeatedly. He hadn’t even been strong enough to stay in the room while they patched up Neteyam.

- - - -

Neteyam was out for about three days, Aonung did not leave his side at all, changing his bandages for him and wiping his lover down with a towel and a warm bucket of water. Apparently, there had just been too much of a toll taken on his body with the amount of blood he had lost.

Neteyam did suddenly wake up, absolutely parched, he rolled himself over moving to stand, clenching on his stomach despite apparently being in the healing process, the sharp pain hardly subsided. He was in Aonung’s Marui, but Aonung was nowhere to be seen. Neteyam limped out, it was evening and Aonung was out on the beach. Neteyam could tell by the outline of his body, Neteyam struggled to get onto the sand, walking slowly he had approached his lover from behind, his arms wrapping around Aonung who seemed to tense not recognizing it was him quite yet until he had looked at his hands.

“You are awake! You should be in bed!” Aonung instantly turned in his arms, Neteyam looked up at him completely drained, but with a small smile. “Was thirsty..” Neteyam explained, laying his head on his chest for a moment to steady himself. “I will get you water- but you really need to rest! You scared the hell out of me, I thought you fucking died. What were you thinking going there by yourself?!” Aonung had been thinking about this for days, and now Neteyam was up.

Neteyam bit his lip as he thought about the feelings he must have put Aonung through, “I’m sorry.. I thought I could handle it. They were hunting so close to the reef, I feared if I didn’t stop them then they would only keep hunting.” Neteyam expressed that as he looked up at Aonung, he could see the mixture of emotions in his eyes. There was frustration but sadness too.

“You are a warrior first and foremost, and I will always respect that. However, it is dangerous and stupid for you to go by yourself.” Aonung was angry, Neteyam understood he had made a mistake, he huffed annoyed. “You can say whatever you want, but I would do it again. If it meant I could protect a Tulkun.” Neteyam pulled away, or tried to at least but Aonung would not allow him to leave.

“You do not understand Neteyam. I thought I lost you! You were laying there unmoving! This is far bigger than your pride, I am your partner. You should have come to me at least!” Aonung wasn’t even angry anymore he was pleading. Neteyam stopped trying to pull away, he just leaned against his lover, remembering the pain and imagining it was the other way around. He imagined it was Aonung being electrocuted and hit, he could understand the frustration and rage.

“I am sorry.. You are right, I need to stop thinking as if I do not have a partner.” Neteyam sighed softly, resting his weight against him, feeling just a bit weak as he had done more talking and movement than he had done in three days. Aonung led him back to their home, laying him to rest on the bed, Aonung by his side to take care of him and give him water. Neteyam felt so cared for as he laid next to his lover. His eyes noticed something different, Aonung had a new tattoo on his chest, another gift from Ewya he thought to himself.

“Whenever you are 100% better, I will not let you escape being my mate.” Aonung warned him, he had almost lost him without them being mates, he felt the need to do it immediately now. Not knowing if he would ever be in this situation again,

“Yes.. As soon as I can take 10 steps without feeling like my stitches will pop open.” Neteyam agreed.

#aonung x neteyam #neteyam x aonung #neteyam #aonunete #aonung #avatar #avatar the way of water #one more chapter #what do you all think?

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trainingdummyrabbit · 9 months

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Idk if your still takin the AU asks, but I've been slowly building an AU where the Kamados have a sixth sense. In summary, Tanjiro sees ghosts and acquires many ghost friends over the course of canon (including some very angry demons and former Hashira who want to see him punch Muzan in the face)

!! oh Hellyeah ill still take these!!! [cracks knuckles] ill see what i can do!

the amount of time it takes a ghost to manifest post-death depends on the person-- sometimes its Immediate, other times they Take A While if they're particularly stubborn about realizing it. the amount he can see them changes depending on how focused he is-- being clear and legible when he's looking for them or extremely tired, or barely a whisper if he's in Go Time mode. they cant interact Much physically-- the most they have is Mild Ghost Shenanigans if they try really hard.

so obviously the interludes with tanjiro's family showing up are just For Real instead of Ambiguously Metaphorical. theyre the first to show up, and offer moral support occasionally :)! [they primarily tag along with nezuko to keep her company... and also to maybe possibly help her wake up more. theyre worried about her :( ] this is followed by sabito and makomo, who are Slightly more active and tag along to keep an eye on him and make sure he stays safe. (they were originally surprised tan could Continue Seeing Them and were originally going to just fade off with their work done, but... well, they felt compelled to stay. something about this kid, yknow.)

of course, not every ghost is exactly Friendly. like the swamp demon for example. this is where sabi+mako come in! Tanjiro Protection Squad. tanjiro cant exactly fight a ghost even if he Can see them, so they have to take care of it. and they do a damn good job of it. ...also members of the Tan Protection Squad is the Kamado Family, which the fox duo were a little concerned about, but its Shocking how effective a scolding from a Genuinely Disappointed Mother (+Equally Disappointed Children) can be to disarming a ghost. even with the protection squad on duty though, tanjiro is actually Pretty Good at dealing with Ghost Shenanigans because. hes him. its hard to feel spite over someone who genuinely cares so much, against someone who sympathizes even with creatures like demons. Hes Got Such Kind Baby Eyes. a lot of the time, ghosts are free to just... pass on. some stick around, some dont, but they're usually offered at least some kind of peace.

i cannot even fucking Imagine the chaos that happens when they accidentally run into muzan in the city.

ghosts dont just tether to tanjiro! sometimes he will meet someone and they'll have several ghosts following them about. they dont always speak to them, but he can Feel them-- how they're feeling, what they're holding onto. he has a reputation in the corps for mysteriously appearing, saying something ominous (yet oddly reassuring) or bringing a gift and Leaving... and then you realize youve never spoken to him before, how did he know about your favorite food? favorite animal? where did he learn this..?

on a similar line, whenever a ghost decides to tag along (temporary or otherwise,) tanjiro tends to pick up little trinkets or charms for them that they'd like. it feels polite somehow. they seem to like it, anyway. this means he has little charms on his belt and such all the time! :) he doesnt have a lot of space on him to carry them with, so he rotates them every so often (with a few exceptions he keeps on him at all times.)

its a heavy burden to bear, but he can handle it. he's the eldest son, after all.

. anyway this is a ridiculously fun concept-- i tried to keep it to Important Things(tm) but i am constantly in a state of doing Everything All The Time Always ! so theres a handful of misc stuff under th cut <33

rengoku becomes part of the Permanent Ghost Squad, but he kinda just... haunts Everybody, Always. all those rengoku flashbacks/manifestations? Theyre Canon Now. rengoku jumpscare <33

muzan has a ridiculous amount of ghosts tagged onto him-- theres so many of them you can't really tell where one starts and another ends, just that they are truly, deeply enraged. he seems entirely unbothered.

yoriichi is a bit of a fickle ghost. he rarely shows up-- only in those echoes and flashbacks + when tanjiro utilizes sunbreathing. he tends to wordlessly leave immediately after. (maybe theres some sort of lingering guilt there...)

. anyway i just think that Team Ghost Gang should get the chance to kick the shit out of muzan post-canon. they deserve it. ghost violence <33

#GWAHH you have no idea how hard it was not to write like 10 more paragraphs this is a good one ouhghgg #tyty for this one; hopefully i didnt go too overboard <//333 #pikasks #ask game #kny #kny spoilers #long post #one day ill manage t make one of these a reasonable length... orz

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fringeexistence · 8 months

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I come from a very long lineage of evil souls. And I am all-powerful. Fear does not exist for me. I do as I please in plain sight, so obvious, yet unseen by everyone. I am immensely proud of the work that I do. I am skillful and diligent during the activities that I partake in. I enjoy inflicting misery and dread that seeps from your pours as I slowly take away your life's energy, which in reality, is only a grand and beautifully constructed illusion of flesh and bone.

I giggle when you scream; sometimes I even like to scream along with you, especially when we're downstairs and the acoustics are echoing just right for the moment. There is an excitement that I can feel all the way inside my anus while you are hyperventilating from the loss of physical control. It is exquisite to watch you in those moments between torture and death; your purgatory I call it. I know, I know, the clock is ticking away for both of us too quickly almost. This dance of victim and predator will fall prey to the inevitable "time's up" soon again. Always too soon, and always at your expense. Poor thing. It cannot be any other way though. Blame God for that one... creating linear time and all. Oh, how I love how desperation shows itself through your physical body, the perspiring skin and dry-mouthed screams. Yes, I do my job well. God gave me the gifts of patience and a conditioned psyche, so that I may be able to enjoy anything I decide is worth the trouble and hard work to prepare for.

Like the way I am able to dismantle a human body so skillfully and carefully, never making much of a mess and always cleaning up after myself. Nothing can be overlooked. There is no room for stupid mistakes. I would die if ever caught from a broken heart. Yes, I fell love with you, at first sight, just like all the others when I realized that they would be the one. There is love before and after the dance of death ensue. Every time.

Do I realized what I am doing>? Oh yes, I know what I do and I remember every one of you with pride. I know that I create a trivial feeling of loss for the families, but there must be sacrifices in everything that is accomplished. I find that aggravating to a great degree.

Honestly, I can't be held up by anything that keeps me from what I was meant to accomplish. Like the women I take without permission. Like you. You become mine when I say so.

If you must get technical on the whole fucking subject of my slayings as the papers call my art work, I would say that I am not hurting anyone, really. This is my solipsist existence. It is all subjective and there is no guilt that remains afterward. It warrants me completely blameless in this world I am in. You are all illusions that my conscious imagination has created. It is perfect for my conscience, if I even have one. None of this is real. I just explained this to you. But if it were... hmmnn... would my deeds really matter at all in the sense of morality and ethics? Probably not, but let me finish what I have to say as this is so very boring to speak about.

Tee hee... I would rather talk about the art I create with your bodies. Absolute beauty in its carnage. Awww c'mon. Don't cry. This makes me angry and... you know I would rather be jovial while I work.

I know my artistry isn't appreciated as it should be but I have learned that the distaste others experience is a sad situation and I shouldn't take it personal. They all know, the cops, how talented and smart I can be of they only gave me a chance. I feel for the unappreciative ones, honestly.

The history I have made with my bare hands is profound and like no other. I am unique in the ways I have taught myself to preserve my bodies, Ohmy love. Oh no! I have never used weapons when hunting the next prized beauty. My hands do the work just fine and I love to feel the different textures of your skin and tendons and such.

Guilt? No, none there either. I remain clear and calm on any given day. I sleep like a baby without nightmares ever since I began my quest for control and ownership. I reap no after effects. They say one should not mix work with fun, but you should give it a try before you make a judgement.

Mmmm. I often replay how I smear the clotted blood over my chest, feeling its warmth and it comforts me while I wait for that pungent and lingering aura to hit my nostrils. And the taste... like mother's milk for me and only me, except for God, of course.

This is my world and God and I are the only ones existing in this cesspool of a world. We are connected. Do you hear me?!! So sorry. I didn't mean to yell outside of my mind. Where were we?

Yes, this is our own private theatre, the two of us, and the actresses do not need scripts as they are only a mockery of real people; for me to obtain some sort of experienced reality. A movie chosen by Gods will and imagination. He gets to be a part of it too, experiencing everything I do to them from the background, vicariously living through me. It is a shared experiece by all accounts. It's a shit show for the only two entities existing, living out a movie of our choice. For entertainment and bliss. This couldn't have been a more perfect screenplay for our entertainment.

Tomorrow I will try some new tactics to up the odds. It should be fun. You'll see, my lady. Now, where were we?

Day 2047 down.

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mttbrandgender · 3 months

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ATLA Netflix thoughts

Okay, I am going to break down my very strong feelings about what little information we have on the ATLA live adaptation because I cannot physically keep this to myself. I am throwing this together pretty last minuet so it is less structured than I would like but this is what I’ve got time for right now.

A few things that I feel are important to know about me before we start. Firstly, I do not believe that any visual media should be adapted to another visual media, especially animated media into live actions. There has never been anything animated that has been made better in a live action adaptation. Animation is a sacred media to me, specifically 2D animation. Secondly, I adore Avatar: The Last Airbender. I watched it as it aired when I was super young and have rewatched it countless times since then. It is legitimately my favorite show. Thirdly, I am a hater, I love to tear into things and dissect them so this will be a lot of that. There will also probably be a lot more when the show also comes out. Alright, anyway!

As soon as I heard there would be a live action remake, safe to say I was not excited. I heard the original creators of the show were involved and I still did not feel good about it. ATLA really was perfect in my eyes. It was done in a perfect medium and was a perfect story with characters that felt REAL. How would remaking it in live action add to this nearly untouchable show add value? My partner has urged me to keep an open mind and not hate it entirely before we could watch it. So, I put it in the back of my mind and didn’t think about it too much for a while.

Until, suddenly, articles started to come out about what liberties the new showrunners decided to take with the show. I knew I should probably not have read them, usually I don’t even watch trailers for things I want to watch but I decided I had to know what was being said, I was painfully curious.

The first thing that I saw was that Sokka’s sexism was ‘iffy’ and ‘didn’t hold up’ so they decided to take it out of their version. I was completely shocked. Sokka’s sexism in the series WAS iffy but it was called out as such WITHIN THE NARRATIVE. That’s how they found Aang in the first place, Sokka was being sexist and Katara got angry about it. We are introduced to Sokka as a flawed character who holds these misguided beliefs about women because of the circumstances he was raised in. It is not a glorified concept within the show. Throughout the three seasons, we as an audience not only get to watch him unlearn these concepts but we also get to watch strong female characters speak out against sexism without being brushed off. It is essential to the plot and instills in its audience that it is okay to have to unlearn these ignorant beliefs, it doesn’t make you a bad person. Sokka is not a bad person or a bad character because he holds these beliefs. We get to explore why he feels that way while also watching him learn to be better. Why would you want to take that out? Because sexism is problematic, and we don’t want our show to be problematic! Look how progressive it is! You are robbing this character of the ability to change and grow because from the jump they are not flawed.

This leads to the next issue. They are writing Aang to be more responsible and ‘driven’ leaving less time for fun side quests. What? I’m sorry I must have misread that; you want the 12-year-old boy who froze himself in the ice originally because he did not want to do Avatar stuff to come out of it and immediately want to get straight to business?? That just rubs me the wrong way. In the original show, we get to see Aang slowly come to terms with his responsibilities while also acting in a way that is realistic for someone who is 12. I also saw someone say that nearly every shot of Aang in the trailer was him with a serious face. The charm of the show and Aang as our main character is that he’s a kid! He acts like a 12-year-old kid and matures as he goes through more experiences with his friends. Where is the integrity of these characters? It seems like these showrunners are so afraid to showcase any of the characters as flawed and how can you have perfectly responsible unproblematic characters that are also children?

At this point, it feels like what they need is a character integrity team to help them make these decisions because they are striking out so far. Why are we robbing these characters of their arcs? By taking away any issue or flaw, you’re taking away so much potential. This takes me back to my original thought which is why the hell would you want to take something that is so highly acclaimed and beloved and remake it? You are setting yourself up to fail no matter what. This is not a story that needs retelling in my opinion. I would much rather they take all this creative energy and resources and use them to write something else in this world. Why retell the story when you could write a new one with new characters that people haven’t spent nearly 20 years watching and loving?

The most recent thing I read was that they wanted to ‘solve’ some of the ‘gender issues’ Katara faced in the original show. Like the earlier bit with Sokka’s sexism, I take huge issue with this. These two things play into each other. Katara is not nurturing and motherly because she’s a girl. She and Sokka lost their mom when they were very young and almost immediately after, their father left for the war. Sokka and Katara were made to take on these roles at a super young age because of this conflict. Sokka is attempting to be the man of the house, trying to imitate his dad as best he can in order to fulfill that role. We know from The Waterbending Master that the water tribes hold some sexist beliefs, as Master Pakku will not instruct Katara because she’s a girl. From that, it’s not a crazy notion that Sokka might hold some of those beliefs from his upbringing. It is also critical to Katara’s character because she was fulfilling that motherly role after her mother passed. She doesn’t do it perfectly; she has a lot of control issues and can have a bit of a temper. Neither of them are bad nor outdated character because of these things. It’s a realistic reaction to the situation they found themselves in. Through their experiences in the show, they learn and grow into better and better versions of themselves. Why would the showrunners want to take that all away?

There are also so many bigger pictures issues I have thought about as well that we don’t have an answer to yet. The pacing, what they plan on fitting into the first season, how long are the episodes, etc. I am still attempting to stay open, but it is really getting hard the more I hear about it. Thank you for reading my rant and I’ll see y’all in 20 days for the premiere, I will be taking notes. :)

#avatar #avatar the last airbender #avatar netflix #atla #atla netflix #mine #personal

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party-in-eldarya · 1 year

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I simply forget what this ep was about... Not training, kind of mission? HH told us to go for a urgent mission with Chrome and LI? Yes/No? I usually check last post to know what is going on and do quick summary, but I am really not that crazy for this ep so let's go, wild ride.

Yea, about that... she feels shy but try to act cool. We are to talk with cats' gang about strange phenomena in forest.

again, we spent time and maana on 3rd row characters. If only it would mean, that they will gain some depth... but no, purrekos are greedy and shady, and it is a joke (?) that keep on coming back to us in many episodes. This season has many characters, but only with few we can have a meanigful conversation. The info could be delivered by Zifu, but hey.

...aaand it didn't happen. I wish we could get a separated routes with different stories, because taking Leiftan for missions IS ridiculous now he cannot use powers and now that he refuse to fight physically. He IS useless, because even tho he had some right ideas about magic in Genkaku (stones and how Koori shouldn't use them), it was ignored and never mentioned again. I guess it was only written to show how TOXIC MASCULINITY and mansplaining works. Remember how in TO not everything was told to Eel citizens and even to random guards? What is Leiftan's status in Guard? No wonder Nevra is pissed all the time. Erika however suspects it is just a plot to spend more time with her crush, because Erika is still in hight school phase.

... maybe because Chrome is an adult person, a leader of Shadow and he needs to focus on important things, not your Disney channel drama?

Leiftan:

aaaaan, that cat bitch forces me into buing a new outfit. I am pretty cool, because it is not that ugly, but honestly, it's not even funny. If only those few dialogues we get were meaningful, well written, it wouldn't be that bitter.

Boys have some spine and refuse a make over. Watch and learn, Erika:

Not one of the guardsmen has discreet, practical outfit. Not a single one. Blah blah, Purral appear and for some reason Chrome is v annoyed, because Purral is always a troublemaker, and a shady one. But here- what's the problem? He came to tell the story. Anyway, Leiftan is cute when he is angry:

Cats confess that shrooms circle is looking strange for months, Chrome's reaction is...

Sure, they should have told Guards earlier, but this is not the best technique to talk to (ususally) not cooperative witness, right? Anyway, there is a problem with flow of maana near the circle. Cats notices the new portal, but didn't know what is was. So portals are not that known even tho eldaryans were using them for ages, and purr...ekos (?) are a race of merchants so... shouldn't they know how portal looks like? Maybe those are a bit different?

Chrome is right, but I will focus on how calm and straight to the point Leiftan really is. Years of being a leader are showing up :)

He needs to sort out his priorities. How about we focus on Portal first? Or ask Erika to take cat to HQ, and go with Leiftan to portal.

Listen, I think that this reaction and focusing on Purrals wrongdoing would be what Ykhar'd do. Maaaaybe Keroshane. Someone who lives by rules, and is a bit rigid about it. But Chrome wasn't like that, and he should as a leader of Shadow focus on really important thing. The portal. Beemoov doesn't care for character continuity, vol 15.

So it's Erika and Leif checking on portal, while Chrome focus on Purral smuggling items from Earth. He needs to sort out his priorities, once again.

I wonder why? Ironically, this is the same place when she run away from him approaching her, wanting to talk after ball. Geee, I wonder why he keeps his distance now.

CHOICE. I already have 100% with him, and there is no illu, so I picked: I wanted to talk to you.

Erika wants a lot of things, right? She wants her LI to hide in a cave when she doesn't want to talk to him, she wants him to starts a conversation even tho she said she has something to tell him... she expects him to make love to her whenever she is horny, quite a lot of things to expect from TOXIC MALE LI in this "girls rule" game, right? relationship goals, Erika's edition.

way to start a romantic conversation about your feeling, right? The writer tries to sound original, but fails.

OMG, someone who is coding reactions feels like me, because I SWEAR THE CONVERSATION GOES LIKE: Those feelings are like parasites. They got worse and worse. I keep on thinking about you, and Leiftan sprites is:

The romance that was promised.

She finally managed to say that she wants to try being a couple once again. Leiftan agrees with her, but says he needs time.

You know what? Plp were really upset about his and Erika's reaction but it works for me. He wants to sort out things about his deamon side, she feels so puzzled about being in love with Leifan (why tho, I was on this route since Ykhar mentioned he is cute), that taking things slowly seems like right thing to do.

He needs to sort out his priorities, oh wait, he has already sorted them right. My man is best man.

Near the circle, they hear someone talking via phone.

Back to HH. Aaaan I reach limit of pics.

#playing ane what a joy #ane eldarya spoilers

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zensations35 · 2 years

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Crossfade (LSSR)

Alright. I’m biting the bullet and posting this mess of a story. I felt very vulnerable writing this but it turned out pretty good and yall showed interest in a Ren story, so here it is.

Big trigger warning here: Drugs. This story is about Ren’s struggle with drugs and alcohol prior to and during Not Faire. There is a lot of use and depression in this fic.

Enjoy!

Ren

Last year, I was an absolute wreck. I spent many of those nights drowning in sorrow. So fucking sorry for myself. It was pitiful, really. And Leo had mopped me off the floor many times over.

Well and so. He has been in love with me for years. And I…did not treat him well. These are not my best moments.

It all ended well, I should say. The four of us are quite happy together. But this does not erase my previous illicit acts against those I love. These acts usually involved drugs. Many, many drugs.

I started young. Alcohol was widely available in my house and my father was abusive. I turned to the drink at age 12. When I was kicked out, I passed around for a while on my own until I started dating a drug dealer. That’s when I became hooked on more.

I have had my ups and downs. Sober days follow sober years. Then, something happens to make me fall off the wagon, and it begins anew.

Last year, when Skye left, I pitched into the deep end. And I had all the connections I needed to wallow in drugs and disorientation.

I was alone more often than not those days.

Being high, I have noticed, makes some people more physical. I am one of those people. But to feel this way when one is alone? Hell. Having no one to speak with, or touch, or…hold. It was hell for me. To this day I do not know why I continued doing them. I eventually moved on to other forms of inebriation. But, you take what you can get sometimes.

I have not touched cocaine nor heroin. Ecstasy a few times. That was a mistake. My body was thrashed from it; anxiety and tremors, among other nasty side effects. I try to avoid harder drugs that can lead to worse addiction. I already have trouble with alcohol and prescriptions ruling my life.

To be clear: I do not believe that all drugs are bad. Marijuana is likely the most tame and sedating drug I’ve done. I still do it to this day. However, there are others I would consume again, if the time was right. I have not yet learned my ‘lesson’ as my therapist would say. But being high on the lighter stuff is nice, when one is not drowning in a shit pit of depression. I suppose that would be my advice for anyone dabbling in psychedelics: do not take them unless you are already happy.

It is the combination of multiple drugs that did me in most times. And on some occasions, it was not by choice.

Drugs are not hard to come by if one is not picky. And I was not, at the time. But often, what is advertised is not what is sold. Many drugs can be combined (or cut with) other things. Worse things. Things one should never ingest.

I believe that is what made me so sick and angry and…an absolute asshole at times.

That is one thing about mixing drugs. And yes, I consider alcohol a drug. If you do not, I suggest educating yourself about it.

You see, when taking multiple drugs, some of them counteract each other. Some will keep you up all night, ignoring sleep. Ignoring food. Water. Others will actively drowse you. And trigger insatiable hunger. So it is a battle of how much of which one has taken, and how long ago.

It becomes harder to listen to one’s body. Needs will not register until they are fully depleted and one is suffering physically from the lack of care.

This includes alcohol consumption. Certain drugs make it harder to manage alcohol. You cannot feel how drunk you are. The only way to tell is how often you fall over.

I did not do the math. I ate if I ate. I slept if I slept. I drank when I could feel the sadness penetrating the high, the alcohol bringing me back into the calm pit of nothing.

Days began to run together.

Which leads us to Emily. She did not know I had imbibed more than a few drinks. As I said, not one of my better moments.

She also had not noticed how my eyes were rimmed, my nose pink--bordering on red, from all this damned pollen.

Skye would have noticed.

I spent quite a lot of that day comparing Emily to Skye. I am not proud of this. However, I did find it quite perturbing that Emily did not say a word when I sneezed five damned times.

Skye would have loved that.

Hm. I suppose I have done it again.

The night ended like any other. With Emily dodging any attempt at reconnection and myself barely able to walk upright to a cab.

Leo must have seen me leaving and followed me. Because I had a habit of passing out before getting home. I ruined many nights for Leo during those days.

“Ren,” he hailed me as I struggled along the sidewalk.

“Leo--hhh--” I doubled over, “HXSSS-T’IEU!” the sneeze bursting from my lungs and splitting my head.

“Shit, you look bad,” Leo said.

“Ever the kind soul, you.”

He frowned at me, clearly insulted. I was such an ass.

“Come on, asshole.”

Yes. That is me.

I stumbled along with him for a while, pausing to wrench out sneezes, never in time to get my arm up to cover. They spattered the ground, and likely Leo as well.

I do not remember the journey. It was a maze of colors and dancing headlights from passing cars. Music from somewhere. And Leo. He was so beautiful. So fucking…

“HxSH-IEU!” I nearly tripped over that one.

We arrived at my apartment. Leo was helping me over to the couch and I got a glimpse of his eyes. Full of concern. Full of love.

“Ren,” he uttered my name as if it were the only word in the universe.

Leo. Gorgeous, sensitive, wonderful, fucking Leo.

I took him for granted. I never truly believed he had feelings for me until that moment. I saw the past several months anew. How he’d been there every damn time I called. The way he looked at me when he thought I was not observing.

And unbidden to my mind, I realized…I loved him too. I knew that moment how Skye must have felt when she said it to me.

I know now that was not the moment to act upon my feelings. Leo had been so patient with me. But with everything swimming in my system, the fog of chemicals rusting my brain, there was no thinking. Only action.

I kissed him.

I am certain it was very much not a good kiss.

Of course, he pulled away.

“Whoa, Ren,” he was quite flushed. I must have looked gods awful. Drunk and high as all get out. A term from my childhood.

Leo pulled away and left me leaning against something. I do not remember what. Only that I had to be kept upright because I was so far gone.

“Ren, this isn’t how I want you,” he said.

I, of course, misunderstood. In the moment, he did not want me. And I felt my walls brick up.

“I see.” I slumped onto the couch and a wave of dizziness spilled me onto the cushions. “You may go now.”

What an ass.

“Ren, I--”

“Leonardo,” I closed my eyes against tears. “Just go.”

And he did. Or so I thought at first. I heard a door close. And then I wept. Stupid, sloppy tears. I touched my face and felt my whole body tingle. Every beat of my heart, every ragged inhale, even the thumping of my veins, I felt it all. I could feel my own blood pounding along my body. I could feel my skin, I could hear my ears, I tasted my own tongue. And still, I sobbed.

I awoke the next day with a coverlet stretched over me and two empty containers of takeout next to me, on the table. I had no idea how or when I ate, but I later learned that Leo fed me and made sure I did not die that night on the couch.

I do not know what sort of things he heard come from my mouth. I do not know if I said good or bad things about him or Skye.

He likely knows. But he will never tell me.

It was after that day that I decided I needed to get clean. I knew one thing was likely to cheer me up. Visiting my niece, Maka.

Of course, I needed to be sober to visit her. That took days. I did not have one of those ‘flush everything’ moments. A lot of that time was spent battling the urge to just not be sober. But the clearer my head got, the more I began to plan. I wished to see Maka. I wished to clean my room. I wished to get my cracked phone repaired.

All of this became full day events. I woke up one day and cleaned my room.

Then I found one of Skye’s shirts in my closet. And down the rabbit hole I went again.

A week passed. I ended up visiting Maka after once again spending a day sober. I found out Owen was off his medication. I bought Maka a phone when I went to get mine fixed.

And then the sobriety really began.

I was fine for three weeks. Leo even came by a few times. He was elated to see me doing better. While he was over, I redownloaded a few social media apps. And I was hit with an invitation. One that shows up every year, around the fall.

Ren Faire.

Gods, I wanted to go. Mainly because I knew there would be drugs. Drugs and alcohol and dancing and everyone would be there doing it all. I would have peers. Peers who did not think my habits were so bad.

Leo originally told me not to go. It was too soon. He suggested therapy.

I thought, perhaps, if I spent the next two months in therapy, I would be strong enough to go to Faire with Leo. He would keep me clean, as well.

Of course, that did not happen. When Skye showed up and we were paired together, I was miserable. I immediately accepted an offer to trip with a few others the morning after I saw her.

And I spent the entire time at the fairgrounds completely making an ass of myself. And pissing Skye off.

I tripped all weekend. Even when we were working.

I remember being at a shop with Skye. Sasha had seen the wrap skirts and gone in. I stayed outside. Skye’s perfume was making me rather itchy. My nose was starting to turn pink from my thumb’s abuse.

I sneezed a few times while everyone was in the shop. But one got stuck. I must have looked ridiculous to passersby. My face crimped up, lips trembling, nostrils wide open and drinking air.

“Hhhh--hih! Fuck…” I bruised my nose rubbing it so much. “Hn…h-hih!” Still nothing.

I stared into the light of the sun. My perfect inducer. “H…hng…” I trapped my nose between two fingers and a thumb, massaging the sneeze out. “Ah, fuck…” I sniffled.

“Ren,” I heard Skye’s voice snap at me from behind. I jumped--not proud of that--and turned to face Skye.

I attempted to hide the itch in my sinuses. Gods, why is it so hard to be normal around her?

“Where is Leo?” I asked.

Sasha stormed up to me and slammed a map into my chest. “Figure out where the sports are.” She glared at me. “I suddenly want to hit something.”

I heard Skye trying not to laugh. All while I still needed to fucking sneeze. But I could not. Not while they were present.

We found the games.The ladies enjoyed them while Leo hung back with me.

“Hey, Ren, what the fuck is going on?”

I rubbed my nose and sniffled. “Nothing.”

Leo rolled his eyes. “Liar.” He blew out a breath. “Whatever it is, I’m here for you ok? And…”

“Sasha?”

He nodded.

We went to see a show. Skye was right next to me with her damn perfume. She originally bought that scent because it triggered my allergies. Did that mean she was trying to make me sneeze?

I was drunk and high and those inebriations whispered to me, “She wants you.”

Skye turned to ask me a question. I could smell the perfume tickling my nose. I leaned into her ear, giving her what she wished.

I repeated what the actors had said. And then, I sniffled.

Of course, I could have held that back--but did she want me to? She wore this perfume. Perhaps she wanted me to sneeze.

The look on her face told me I might be wrong. I pulled away and did my best to hold back. All that escaped me was a sniffle and an exhale, “hhh…”

Her body tightened. From anger or sexual frustration, I did not know. I was glad when the performance was over. I could escape to the bathroom to sneeze.

I needed a moment. I hurried to the closest restroom and only when I was inside did I give myself over to the tickle.

“HgtZZ! Exzzzh-ieu! Hngg’TSK!”

The people around me did not care. Good. I could clean up and return to the group.

When I arrived, Leo handed me a pink drink and asked, “You alright, man?”

“Yes. Needed a moment.”

Skye then gave me a strange look. As if she was torn between alienated and fluttering.

The rest of faire went smoother. I climbed a rock wall with Leo. I sneezed a few times. Skye couldn’t have seen that, could she?

After the joust, Skye wished to leave. There was a bit of arguing. I did not participate. I could only focus on not sneezing around Skye. I still was not certain why she wore that particular perfume today. She knew she would be with me? Correct?

We arrived back at camp and I was immediately waylaid by my drug friends begging me to partake with them. After the day I had, of course I did it. LSD, where sound and color are the most beautiful things in the universe.

I released myself into the camping grounds and began to wander. When worry or sadness threatened to pull me under, I stared up at the stars, understanding how tiny my problems were. And I was able to sweep the bad feelings under the rug for the time being.

I followed the sounds of techno music. There was a stage set up near the food trucks. I wanted to be near that sound. I wanted to get lost in it. Feel nothing but the thrum of the beat synchronizing with my heart.

I wound my way into the crowd. Everyone was jumping and dancing--strange but passionate moves. And then, I saw her.

Skye. Alone. Scared. Surrounded by strangers.

Heat filled me. I felt a bit woozy from all of the drugs. But I needed to help her. She was being pushed and shoved around the dance floor.

I cut in next to her, my arms instinctively going to her hips. Dancing--like we used to--and people made room for us. She seemed into it. I was glad for that. We danced just like we used to. Swaying, churning to the music.

She floated out and I pulled her back in a spin. That was our dance. It felt like old times.

She spun back to me and suddenly she was in my arms. I felt like my muscles were made of taffy. I could not figure out how to work them properly. But Skye didn’t seem to care. She buried her face into me and drank in my scent.

Gods, did she want me??

It was hot. The drugs were fucking with my body on so many levels. Perhaps I was reading too much into this.

“Ren…” I heard Skye rasp as she lifted a hand to touch my forehead.

I jerked back. I could not allow her to know how bad I was at the moment. She stared at me, hurt etched on her face.

Perfect. Now I had upset her. No. No more of this.

I cut away through the crowd, away from her, hiding myself in the tangle of bodies swarming the stage. I moved fast so she could not come after me.

When I broke through the crowd, I paused behind a stall to see if she got out.

Fuck me. I cannot believe myself. I was much too gone to interact with anyone. Yet…that is all I wanted to do.

I shuffled back toward camp hoping to find Leo.

Leo ended up not being available. I do not remember why. Too wasted.

One of my ‘buddies’ handed me a plastic jug of vodka and I drank. I just drank until I could barely stand. I slumped against a canopy pole, staring at the different colors moving around me. Lanterns, bright dresses, flames from campfires. Music’s sultry song from all around us.

I sat and drank. And snf…sneezed.

“Ren?” I heard Skye’s voice. Oh no. Not now, Skye. I was too drunk to hold back my…

“HnnnXTSH! HNXT!”

Skye stomped on my last sneeze. “What the hell is with you today?!”

I could not help myself. After all this bullshit, it was suddenly my fault?

I was standing at this point. I turned toward her, my anger growing. “Have I displeased you?”

“What?” she blinked.

I was swaying, and a manic drug-induced laugh escaped me. “I said,” I struggled to take a step, “Have I displeased you, Skye?”

She huffed. “Don’t act like you don’t know what you’ve been doing all day.”

“And that is my fault?” I was growing angrier and angrier. How dare she blame me.

She stomped her foot, clearly angry as well. I suppose she did not notice. Then I must tell her.

I leaned into her ear. “Skye,” I rasped, “Did you not intend to wear the scent I am allergic to?”

Her face went rigid. She stood in shock for a while. I knew I should leave, but at the moment I could not help but give in once. Just once. To show her it was not my fault.

“HhhT! HSZT!”

“Lawrence Grayson!”

We both jumped at the sound of Sasha’s voice. She saw it happen.

“What the fuck is your deal? Can’t you just leave Skye alone!?”

I paused. Leave Skye alone? I had been trying to do that for so fucking long. If they only knew what I had been through--

They were conversing. I heard Skye mention my inebriation.

Sasha growled, “Fine.” She reached up to grab a fistful of my shirt and carted me away. I stumbled more than a few times and she only scoffed. They knew I had had too much. Of everything.

She carted me to Leo’s tent. Thank fuck.

The night with Leo ended much like it had two months ago. Me, drunk and high. Leo rejecting me because of my inebriation.

Me falling into a pit of despair--beginning to wonder if I would ever find someone who wanted me.

Rumors spread that night. About all four of us. I grew tired of correcting them. I decided to take half the day off work to set up a game for us four to play. This would give me the answers I desperately needed.

We played and I found out both Skye and Leo had feelings for me. But they also had feelings for Sasha.

Hope beat wings in my chest.

We had a chance. Skye still had feelings for me. Leo loved me. I knew he did. I had not ruined everything.

This could work. If I could get my shit straight.

If I could only…

#tw drugs #tw depression #ZenOcs #my writing #snz #snz fic #LSSR #Ren's story #allergies #angst #I've been writing this over the past few weeks #and wasn't sure whether to post it #but I got some courage from a friend #and I figured what the hell #Be kind please

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liebgottsjumpwings · 1 year

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Hello! I saw that you are doing ships and thought that I'd put my description here! Thanks for doing these :)

I have short dark brown hair and brown eyes. I have pearl earrings currently. I am 5'6. I am also ftm and gay. He/him pronouns

I am currently learning German and Ukrainian. I play the cello (I would say that I'm pretty decent at it). I want to join the paratroopers soon and maybe get a doctorate degree in the medical field. I like writing books, reading, and drawing. I am very interested in history, mainly the 20th century. I also know how to cross-country ski and love the winter.

My MBTI type if I remember correctly is INTJ. I love procrastinating and do well under a lot of pressure. I'm also very stubborn and awkward with talking to people so I don't have many close friends. For some reason, I have a sort of knack for doing things well, even if it's the first time I've tried it and that might be because I listen really closely to stuff to make sure I'm doing everything correctly. I need a straightforward path and a list of things I should do to get something done.

I have depression, anxiety and maybe (I say maybe because it's undiagnosed) maladaptive daydreaming, which basically means I daydream too much that it's a problem. Any small words of affection or reassurance sends me through the roof and makes me happy for the rest of the day (idk why). I also get angry very quickly and forget things quickly.

I am converting to Judaism so that’s cool. My sense of clothing style is just me pretending I’m in the military, pleather jackets, heavy jackets that are either camo or dark green, aviator sunglasses, a lot of neutral colours, fancy dress shirts/blouses, combat boots (which I currently do not own so just tennis shoes or winter boots), I have a few BoB pins which I have created on my own :) I like wearing t-shirts in winter under my jacket just because. The t-shirts usually have designs like aeroplanes, space, and museum shirts. I also have a collection of shirts from places I’ve never been cause I think it’s hilarious. I do a lot of things just cuz I think they’re funny.

I keep a lot of stuff in my pockets “just in case”. I impulse buy, which is a big insecurity of mine. People intimidate me easily so I usually wait to get approached to start a conversation. I like watching adventure shows like extinct or alive or expedition unknown.

I would say that I have a very dark sense of humour and am almost always sarcastic when talking to my friends (also I love irony). I have an interesting music taste, most any song I listen to goes onto my liked songs on Spotify heh. I sometimes slip into a British accent or one that isn’t mine at all. I also tend to get myself injured at least once daily and now it’s a running joke with my friends.

I don’t really know much about romance, but I try. I don’t like that much physical affection but I do like praise, as I said before, and gifts. I love giving gifts to people.

Hi! Can I just say that from the sound of it, I absolutely adore your clothing style!

As for your ship... I ship you with;

Lewis Nixon

Ps. the gif above is mine!

Ok.. hear me out, Nix is an ENTP (you cannot argue with me on this). And if the INTJ x ENTP fandom has a million fans, I am one of them. If the INTJ x ENTP fandom has one fan, it is me. If the INTJ x ENTP fandom has zero fans, I have been assassinated.

Awkward introvert meets charming extrovert, cute cute cute match! You said that you are stubborn and awkward when talking to people. Well, guess what? Lewis will persist and he will get you to talk. I think, when first meeting, this also would be the first thing you two note about each other. Nix has this charm around him and he will use it to try and get you to talk.

Following that, you say you have a knack for things doing well, even if it is your first time. I think Nix would really admire this, but also be able to help you when that drive for doing well turns into stress. I feel like he has this aura and attitude of light-heartedness that can help with comforting stress around perfection.

Where that light-heartedness may clash though, is when his communication isn't as clear as you may need it to be sometimes. However, I also feel like Lewis is the type of person you can just say that to his face and he will be mindful of it.

Also!! Nix's love language (in my eyes) is definitely partially words of affirmation and once he's noticed your giddiness whenever he compliments you or makes any positive comment, this man will go ham. Expect love-filled words all day with him.

Which means that when you feel down, he will be there to simply hold you, if that is what you need. When you have slumps that last days, he'll check in on you often by just placing his hand somewhere and asking you how you are doing and telling you that you are doing ok, and if you are not, he'll use his words to make sure you would feel at least somewhat ok. Knowing that you do not enjoy physical affection as much, his touches would be small and short. I think Nix has a very low-key way of showing that he cares and it is understood between you two that he has.

Lewis would absolutely join in with you in doing things just because they're funny. He has this positive carelessness around him that would definitely add to that. Your t-shirt collection would probably eventually grow and grow and every once in a while, Nix would bring home the most outrageous t-shirts from places that have you wondering where they came from. Like the time he somehow found a t-shirt from an obscure convention that was held years ago in some small town on the other side of the world. He thought it was hilarious and wore it for days.

Speaking of clothes, Nixon loves your style for several reasons. Reason one; it's attractive as hell. Reason two; it means you can steal most, if not all of his clothes and they all look good on you. And, Nixon happens to absolutely be smitten with you wearing his clothes. He'd probably make you wear his aviators more than he wears them himself.

Another thing that matches well is your sense of humor. I think Nix's humor is like yours, dark, sarcastic and ironic. When you two are around others, that shared humor are little moments of bonding. You two laughing about a joke either of you two made. It makes Nix smile for the entire day.

Nixon would not mind your lack of knowledge about romance at all. I think it ties back to his general sense of light-heartedness and easy going stuff. To him, romance does not have to be this one, clear and graspable thing. It comes naturally and he is more than happy to share romantic moments with you. And whenever you come to him with things to gift him, he is in Heaven and falls a little more in love with each time you do.

Generally, this relationship would be filled with so much gentle love.

#ship #band of brothers #band of brothers x reader #hbo war #long post #hope you like it!

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nikkywrites · 2 years

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hi!! i remember seeing a while ago that you have a wip with a character named lila but seeing it again now gave me a chuckle because i have only ever seen two other lilas in works of fiction ever i think. so that's always super cool. the premise of it sounds so cool, and i would love to hear more about to deal with a death!

your jo story/series also sounds so cool! i am an absolute sucker for feral, angry, powerful wlw, and i would absolutely love to hear more about that.

Hi!! Thanks for stopping by :)

I do have a character named Lila! She’s a super interesting character and I can’t wait to show more of her (both in the revamped TDWAD time and in her past, of which I have a couple drafts <.<). I’m glad you like the premise because. Obviously, I did to since I turned a one-off prompt fill into a series, into a whole world.

I’ve not thought about TDWAD in. Quite a while, but l do remember that I was trying to figure out the agency Lila and Xia is from (what all does it do?). This isn’t specifically TDWAD related, but. Same world works too, yeah? Maybe? There’s either one very large department or a series of smaller ones that deal with magical relics and artifacts. There’s a curse containment department, too (because, curses are semi-physical and stronger ones cannot be dispelled so they’re contained and stored). I think the agency is going to have to work something like this. There’s multiple larger branches that don’t interact with one another much, (relics/artifacts and curses being two such branches) and a series of smaller/more specialized departments within those branches. Like, Relics and Artifacts has recovery, preservation, restoration, identification/records, storage/placement(?), and others I’ve not figured out or named (maybe? Idk how big agencies work. Or what all this one does, which I need to figure out but how does one even start to do that?). Curses would have containment, obviously, and identification/classification (what sort of curse is it? How dangerous is it? How can it best be stored? etc.). Maybe more, but. I don’t know. Those two at least. There’ll also be a branch unrelated (? It’ll connect with all the others, not specific to one) department that deals with Ever-hosted museums (what gets sent out, what doesn’t, where they go). That’s… all that’s stone-adjacent, if not already set. I need to figure out what department Xia’s from (one that would benefit from a Soul Keeper… hmm. Figuring that out would help when the scope of the agency is better known.

Honestly, TDWAD is at a point where things just need to be figured out and I’ve always been awful at that. Like, I want to work on it, or something in the world but I need to figure out the agency and I cannot get a start on it. It’s overwhelming (maybe because of the fact that maybe Lila and Xia don’t work the same agency and the thing that I want to be one big thing might not be able to be just one thing and I might have to create a whole host of smaller/more specific agencies instead of the one massive one. And that’s just. A lot. And kind of negates the whole above ramble? At least a little?). I’d say I need to rubber duck it but I don’t know where to start. Need to, though :/

I kind of forgot about Jo, but I think I have two parts(? Yes, there’s two) drafted somewhere. Have a snippet of the start of one as proof:

This one is her preparing to leave her village, gathering everything she needs and her anger/bitterness over her not-quite-fiancé keeps growing. I have nothing against this wip, I just. Forgot about it. I could make it an official wip but I have no idea what I’d name it, even with a placeholder (unless I just keep it as Jo, which could work? Maybe?)

Jo, actually, though, is not WLW. For now, at least. I’ve probably just jinxed it, though. But I do have multiple wips featuring/focusing on WLW, if you’d like to learn about those? Let me know. I need to work on my wip guide post so people can see all the things I’m working on laid out but formatting is A Task.

#ask #asks #wip ask #wip to deal with a death #wip TDWAD #writeblrfantasy #I have too many wips

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claim-my-heart · 1 year

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i’ve battled with myself for over twenty-four hours to decide on how to address this, address you. they say ignorance is bliss and i suppose in this case, it’s true. last night you admitted to me that my feelings, independent from you, do not affect you. if i were devastated or lonely, perhaps even angry, it would not matter to you. and that’s something that’s slightly difficult to hear, as it informs me on how highly you value me.

and what if it were a result of your actions? what if you had been the one to hurt me? would you not have any emotion, not let me know you care about my own being hurt? these are simply questions i cannot ask because you refuse to be honest with me. you’re too terrified to let the world see you, know that you actually do have feeling and emotion there underneath your newly toughened skin.

even if i was curious, you’ve also informed me that you don’t believe there is any way of salvaging our relationship—which also came as a surprise. i understand you are still young, you have space to grow and mature, but it’s hard to learn that you had no intention of even attempting to mend the schism. i personally had been wanting to. the tension between us upsets me and i wish for it to be gone. i thought maybe we were on our way to repair it, and i’m aware of how childish this may sound, but i feel a little too defeated to try at the moment. i know this will change as the days pass and i am able to process through the hurt you’ve cause me. but as for right now, i’m retreating and trying to work through my own issues as i cannot move past it currently.

now on to what was probably the most hurtful thing that came past your lips that night. you love me, but you do not like me. this by itself may not seem that shocking as it is something that people say, but it’s the next part that truly twists the knife.

when asked for an example of something i do that makes you dislike me, and i purely ask out of curiosity and to learn how to fix it, you inform me that my disability is the cause. you don’t like that i ask people to cater to my sensory issues because it interferes with something you’d like to do. i only ask for help, for things to not be so loud so that i may continue to function and keep up the ruse that i’m perfectly fine. i ask for assistance to not make my life any harder than it already is, what with a brain that cannot regulate on its own.

the other example is that my reactions are too strong for you. it distracts you and others, and takes their attention away from you. but i don’t always think before my body responds on its own. my physical reactions are stronger than others and i don’t know how to correct it when it’s a spontaneous one. my hands fly to cover my ears when something is too loud, i hit my head when i’m frustrated, i don’t know how to fix what is wrong with me.

you claim our relationship is broken and you consciously choose not to repair it because you don’t like me for my invisible disability. you don’t like that “everyone caters to me too much”, as you so graciously worded it, and i don’t know how to fix that other than not showing it. shall i not express that my body feels as though its on fire and i cannot breathe and i wish i possessed the strength to rip off my ears to spare me from the overstimulation my senses are having at the moment? i try very hard not to make a scene, especially in public, for fear or judgement. but people with my disability promote the ability to unmask in your own home. i found it difficult before you had even admitted this to me, as i could see the disgust in your gaze in the moments i slip and show it.

i’ve written all of this out, all of these words clouding up my mind, and yet here i sit without an answer. i don’t know what to do to fix it. i don’t know if i should change my entire being around you? purposely hold my tongue and keep my hands to myself as i try not to express myself? i don’t know what to do to fix it.

but as for right now, i speak to you when you initiate it and nothing more. i will not show emotion, as you’ve coldly reminded me that it does no good, and i will try my best to not have my regulation issues interfere with you. this is all i can come up with—shrinking my personality down so it’s more comfortable to you.

i know that’s a bad idea. i don’t know what to do to fix it.

#diary ✉️#usually journaling helps sort my feelings but i still feel lost

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chainofclovers · 3 years

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Ted Lasso 2x8 thoughts

I am so lucky that the creators of Ted Lasso decided to make this entire show specifically for me. #blessed

If last week felt like a bit of breathing room (albeit tense, poignant, character-progressing breathing room) with distinct narrative lines, this week’s episode was a chaotic yet tightly-written swirl of pain and hope and sadness! No neat subject headers for this one, y’all. Just my brain and heart in the inadequate form of a bulleted list. It is the medium available to me at this time.

I am going to remember the moment when Ted calls Sharon and tells her his father killed himself for the rest of my life.

(I could say a bunch of stuff about his face and what he says and how he tries to hide his tears from Beard right after and how insanely much I adore this character and ahhhhhhhh but I’m just going to leave that scene there in our collective memories.)

Jamie. JAMIE. Higgins has given some great advice about love on this show, but his musings about his up-and-down relationship with his own father were not helpful in the context of Jamie’s dad, who is an abusive piece of shit. I really adore that all of the main AFC Richmond staff members are realistically a bit hit-or-miss with their advice and life philosophies (some are mostly miss this season, of course).

And I am completely in awe of the moment when Jamie punches his father. The way he just stands there after Beard kicks his dad out of the locker room. The way you can hear a pin drop. And Roy—Roy who is learning in so many areas of his life about his influence on people, learning that the things he needs aren’t necessarily the same as the things other people need—is the one to cross the room and hug him. Hold him, really, with the tenderness Ted used when he hugged Rebecca outside the gala in 1x4. God.

I’ve thought a lot about how s1 was about giving people a soft place to land. There’s always an angel there when you need one. There’s always an opportunity to be kind. If you look for someone, you find them. If you look for the good in someone, you find the good. And as everyone works through their individual journeys in s2, that can’t always be the case anymore. But there are still so many moments of angels on this show, and it’s not about chance and serendipity and fate [not that it was about that in s1] but about the effort it takes to become someone who can be there for someone else. Or who can be there for yourself. I’m so proud of Jamie for physically fighting back against his father. I’m so proud of Roy for being the one who recognized what Jamie needed.

I have every feeling in the world about how Ted is almost totally frozen both times (s1 and s2) he witnesses Jamie’s father abusing him. In s1, he was still there for Jamie after, and I have every reason to believe he’ll be there for Jamie after this incident as well, but that frozen stance HURTS. He’s in so deep with his pain about his own father that it’s like he physically cannot snap out of it to act in the moment. It seems entirely outside of his control, and it breaks my heart, because Ted wants so badly to be a good father, a good coach, a good friend, a good partner, a good patient. He’s there for people in all kinds of ways, even in his current less-than-capable state. He takes care of Sharon post-concussion and even gets her a new bike! During the disastrous match at Wembley his coaching is ineffectual and everything is chaos but he’s the last one standing on the pitch! But this really awful thing keeps happening to Jamie and Ted is just…frozen in the face of it. Like one of those nightmares where you’re running in place.

The frozen-in-place nightmare also kind of applies to the way the total separation between Ted and Rebecca feels, too. I have never for a moment doubted the writers’ intentions in setting these characters up as soulmates on parallel journeys, and I’m actually really digging (on a story level) how disconnected they are right now. It is IMPRESSIVE that their absence in each other’s lives feels like such a glaring loss, one we cannot forget even as there are so many other things happening onscreen. It is 100% not just shipper goggles making me process information about Ted while thinking about Rebecca and information about Rebecca while thinking about Ted. I know there are a lot of really angry and frustrated people in the fandom right now (both T/R shippers and T/R antis and non-shipping fans who don’t get why s2 is different from s1) and while I understand being frustrated by choices characters make, and frustrated by the feelings the show makes us feel that we just want to feel more of or less of, I continue to agree with pretty much every narrative choice happening right now.

Agreeing with the narrative like this?! This is such a unique experience for me as a viewer—to feel like I’m on a ride that is at once absolutely wild and incredibly sensible and well-crafted, and to feel simultaneously completely invested and anticipatory and speculative but also totally willing to trust where it goes. I long for Ted and Beard to really talk. I long for Ted and Rebecca to stop missing each other. I long for Roy to have a serious conversation with Ted about what’s happening with him. I long for Keeley to find a vocation, something that drives her beyond her projects. I long for so many things! But I wouldn’t long for them if this show was less good. If the show was less good, I wouldn’t have a wish list a mile long because I wouldn’t be so attuned to the details and potential lurking in every scene. THIS IS SUCH A GOOD SHOW, I CANNOT HANDLE IT, I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

(To that end, a great deal of the Ted Lasso tag and so many Twitter reactions reactions to the show feel super stressful right now and I am kind of just trying not to look?! I love this fandom so much because of the amazing conversations that happen and because of brilliant fic and because there are some awesome people I never would have encountered were it not for this show. That little bubble is wonderful and I’d stay in this fandom no matter what in order to keep experiencing those things. But fans’ catastrophic reactions to every little thing that happens, every little choice a character makes that isn’t the “perfect” choice? The takeaway that the writers—on this show of all shows—wake up in the morning ready for another day of torturing shippers rather than another day of writing a beautiful story they genuinely want to write? I do not enjoy those parts at all. I would like to opt out of those parts. I’m having such a magical experience watching this show and talking about this show and listening about this show and writing about this show with a variety of people who feel all kinds of ways. I truly wish I could somehow transfer the energy of this experience onto all the people who are hating it right now. I don’t mind at all that people are having vastly different reactions to this show and are sharing their honest feelings, including the really angry ones (I can appreciate something and disagree with it!), and I get that sometimes the language of fannish reactions is intentionally, ironically hyperbolic. But there feels like this very serious trend of people legitimately thinking writers on this show are targeting shippers and have lost respect for their characters, and I just feel like an alien from another planet when I see that stuff. I guess I just feel like people make art because they want their art to be visible to other people and to themselves, but that doesn’t typically involve specifically catering to or torturing a subset of that audience?)

I am more fascinated by Sharon Fieldstone than ever before. I have been running through every single action with her and Ted so many times. The confirmation that she’s living in club-provided housing (that could not look more different from Ted’s club-provided flat). Ted clearly noticing the many bottles. Sharon’s face while she tries to casually recycle them. (Sharon could legitimately have a more problematic relationship with alcohol than Ted does, and I find that extremely interesting and am very curious to find out what happens there.) Sharon leaving him voice notes while she’s concussed, probably because she’d been thinking about him shortly before the accident. The way Ted calls her and does all the funny voices and it’s not frustrating like all the times he uses his silliness and allusions to deflect during their prior conversations because this time, those behaviors are just a part of him showing care for another person. The way they stretch each other, and Ted is still wrong about the things he’s been wrong about, but they both grow all the same.

While it is pretty much impossible for me to imagine that this show would include an actual romantic relationship between Ted and Sharon (it would be beyond unethical even if they could write it well, and Sharon in particular is so professional and committed to her work, and it would erase so much of the powerful message about the importance of seeking therapy from a professional who is not your friend or partner, and I would totally hate it), watching this episode was the first moment I had this queasy little feeling that it’s possible that Ted could end up developing really complicated feelings about Sharon since, at this point, he’s been honest with her about things he’s hardly spoken about before and you can really form an attachment to people you feel safe with in a new way. (I mean, I’m sure Michelle knows what happened with Ted’s father, but I’m not even certain if Beard does.) He’s so broken right now, and Sharon is such a great person and so different from anyone else in his life (even though Rebecca is also different, and Beard is also different, and Roy is also different, and so on), that I could see things getting really fuzzy for him. I continue to have faith in the way the storylines on this show are handled. I’m just. Putting this here.

(In saying that, though, I also wanna make it really clear that I don’t just automatically assume anytime a new female character is introduced that they’re going to end up becoming a romantic complication. Like, Phoebe is allowed to have a teacher who is an attractive woman and AFC Richmond is allowed to have a sports psychologist who is an attractive woman and Keeley is allowed to talk to Jamie Tartt without it threatening what she has with Roy and all these people can exist as human beings without the introduction of romantic drama.)

Isaac gives every player one haircut per season, OH MY GOD. The JOY during the haircut scene. YES.

KEELEY AND REBECCA. Their text thread. The affirming video call right before Rebecca goes into the restaurant. The way Keeley sits all snuggled up against Rebecca in her office.

I was pretty thoroughly spoiled for the Sam and Rebecca plot through 2x8, and I was bracing for something far more problematic and tortured than what happens in this episode. The words I would use to describe their scenes: awkward, cute, cringy, and understandable. There are a million reasons why this relationship isn’t sustainable, but I felt completely understanding of both their choices here. This show has a lot of thesis statements, but I keep going back to the idea from 2x1 that there are people who enter your life to help you get to the next point, and I think it’s entirely possible that Sam and Rebecca will mutually be that for each other.

I find comparisons between Rupert and Rebecca super upsetting. There are absolutely meaningful things to say about the irony of ending up in a situation with an uncomfortable resemblance to certain taboo elements of an ex’s situation. But that ex is abusive and manipulative and cruel and Rebecca has exhibited NONE of those behaviors, and it makes me really sad to think that people feel that the writers on this show have betrayed Rebecca in giving her this storyline.

As always, I reserve the right to keep blathering about this show. I’ve had a headache for a couple of days, but my head is also so full of 2x8 thoughts that I couldn’t keep them in even if the circumstances for writing this were not ideal. I kind of hate that I’ve included frustrated fandom thoughts within the analysis of what I felt was an absolutely gorgeous, complicated, heartbreaking, near-perfect episode of television, but if ya can’t be a little dramatic on your own tumblr while you’re feeling raw and under the weather, where can ya?

#ted lasso #ted lasso s2 spoilers #meta by me #ted lasso 2x8 #a lesbian watches ted lasso #cw: suicide mention #cw: alcohol abuse mention

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postmodernmulticoloredcloak · 3 years

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The shifting narrative of God’s interventism and how it reflects on the narrative on John

This post will ignore the issue authorial intent entirely because I can, but it’s also about authorial intent in a way, but I also don’t like to talk about things as happening “accidentally” because a) a serialized story like Supernatural, especially one that got renewed for much longer than anyone could possibly expect or hope in their wildest ambitions, structurally relies on serendipity, because that’s how stories work when they’re work in progress, b) a television show is an extremely multi-authored text and the chance that something happens out of the intent of any of the multiple layers of creators is kind of... statistically negligible. So, yeah, that’s my stance on the topic. Anyway.

The shifting narrative about God is simultaneously something that hangs on fortunate storytelling clicks on an essentially programmed narrative. At first, we don’t know where the fuck God is. Cas starts looking for him with little success. Raphael says he’s dead, Cas doesn’t believe it. Dean relates to his struggle because he knows the feeling of not knowing where the fuck your father is and going looking for him with little success, not knowing if he’s even alive. Then the theory that gets assumed as the truth is that God has left. He fucked off who knows where, who knows why, leaving his creation to struggle alone. Also essentially how Dean had felt after John had died; in that case there was guilt for his demon deal and everything, but the most cruel weight on Dean’s shoulder was that John left him alone to struggle with his devastatingly horrific instructions he doesn’t understand. The angels are also left with horrific instructions they don’t understand. No wonder Cas does his own ‘demon deal’ in season 6, as he desperately tries to do what he assumes his father wants from him, but he doesn’t actually know what that is.

“God has left” is maddening, and everyone is angry about it, but it has its own dignity. God has left us without clear instructions, we are confused and in pain and evil runs amock but at least, we suppose, the evil of it is our own doing. We are alone and we do our best, our best is simply not enough. We wish he gave us guidance, but he won’t. He wants us to figure it out ourselves, possibly. We don’t actually know what he wants. But maybe that’s the point. It’s possible he doesn’t even know what’s happening, he just has left the building entirely.

But then Chuck reveals himself. We find out that he never actually left. He was there. “I like front row seats. You know, I figured I’d hide out in plain sight”. He simply chooses not to intervene. He chooses not to answer. He chooses to be hands-off. He presents himself as a laissez-faire parent, because, he says, it’s better for his children to have the responsibility they need to grow up. He’s absent, but in a different way than we thought! It’s not that he doesn’t know what’s happening or isn’t interested in knowing what’s happening. He’s here, he knows what’s happening, he just stays there and watches as you stumble and struggle and scream. It’s worse, and it pains Dean so much he isn’t even afraid to yell at God. You know we’re suffering and you just don’t give us any support, any comfort.

You’re frustrated. I get it. Believe me, I was hands-on, real hands-on, for, wow, ages. I was so sure if I kept stepping in, teaching, punishing, that these beautiful creatures that I created... would grow up. But it only stayed the same. And I saw that I needed to step away and let my baby find its way. Being overinvolved is no longer parenting. It’s enabling.

But it didn’t get better.

Well, I’ve been mulling it over. And from where I sit, I think it has.

Well, from where I sit, it feels like you left us and you’re trying to justify it.

I know you had a complicated upbringing, Dean, but don’t confuse me with your dad.

At that point of the show, the writing team almost certainly didn’t have the s14-15 twist in mind. So this was probably intended to be Chuck’s truth. Later it gets twisted (retconned?) into a lie, but about that later.

Here, Chuck is really good at manipulating the conversation. Dean has a perfectly valid point, because there IS a middle ground between being overinvolved and not being involved at all. There is a middle ground between enabling your children and abandoning them completely. But Chuck hits Dean where it hurts, plays the emotional card, basically tells him that he’s too emotional to understand, too emotional to think rationally about it, because he mixes his feelings about his father to the issue and thus cannot see it clearly. He basically tells him he’s too close to it to get it. You don’t understand parenting, Dean, because you’re too blinded by your emotions about your own little life and cannot see the big picture.

It doesn’t really matter here if he’s telling the truth or lying, it already says a lot about Chuck that he’s emotionally manipulating Dean, silencing him by hitting the painful spot.

But the thing is, 11.20 immediately presents Chuck as a liar. He makes Metatron read his autobiography and the very first line is a lie (“In the beginning, there was me. Boom – detail. And what a grabber. I mean, I’m hooked, and I was there.” “I’m hooked too, and yet... details. You weren’t alone in the beginning. Your sister was with you.”) and the stuff he talks about his experience as Chuck is not exactly truthful about anything (“That, you know, makes you seem like a really grounded, likable person.” “Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” “You are neither grounded nor a person!”). Metatron calls him out (“Okay. There are two types of memoir. One is honest... the other, not so much. Truth and fairy tale. Now, do you want to write Life by Keith Richards? Or do you want to write Wouldn’t It Be Nice by Brian Wilson?”). Chuck SAYS he chooses truth and gives Metatron a different manuscript, supposedly containing the truth, to which Metatron reacts positively. Metatron believes it, and we believe it with him.

Oh! Oh, this! This is what I was talking about. Chapter Ten “Why I Never Answer Prayers, and You Should Be Glad I Don’t”, and Chapter Eleven “The Truth About Divine Intervention and Why I Avoid It At All Costs”.

Nature? Divine. Human nature – toxic.

They do like blowing stuff up.

Yeah. And the worst part – they do it in my name. And then they come crying to me, asking me to forgive, to fix things. Never taking any responsibility.

What about your responsibility?

I took responsibility... by leaving. At a certain point, training wheels got to come off. No one likes a helicopter parent.

This is sort of what he later says to Dean, except that to Dean he talks about “beautiful creatures” “my baby”, talks about helping, none of the harsh tone he’s using here. When Metatron accuses him of hiding from Amara, he retorts “I am not hiding. I am just done watching my experiments’ failures”. What a different language, uh? Then Metatron asks him why he abandoned them, and Chuck answers “Because you disappointed me. You all disappointed me”. Then, he admits he lied about “learning” to play the guitar and so on, because he just gave himself the ability, and then appears to Dean and Sam, after Metatron’s passionate speech about humanity.

So, no matter the authorial intent at the time - the truthiness of Chuck’s words was already ambiguous. He kept lying and being called out, or silencing the conversation with some good ol’ gaslighting.

The season 14 finale introduces the big twist: it was, indeed, all a lie. The whole of it. Chuck didn’t abandon shit. It was all him, minutely controlling the narrative of the universe, putting the characters through all the pain and struggles for his own amusement.

The “absent father” narrative was a lie.

What does this tell us about John? Nothing, according to the authorial intent that shines through Dabb’s Lebanon. But we don’t give a crap about Dabb’s authorial intent about John! He’s just one dude and plenty of other authors have painted a different picture. So I’m going to read the narrative the way I want, because I can, and the narrative allows me to. It’s all there.

I’m suggesting that the fact that Chuck lied when he talked about being a hands-off/absentee father parallels how Dean and Sam prefer to think of their father as an “absent father” when that’s not exactly a reflection of the truth.

You left us. Alone. ‘Cause Dad was just a shell. [...] And I-I had to be more than just a brother. I had to be a father and I had to be a mother, to keep him safe.

Setting aside how “I had to be a father and I had to be a mother” sort of retcons and cleans up the Winchester family picture painted by ealier seasons, the fact that John didn’t really count as a functional father figure and Dean and Sam were essentually alone is not incorrect or anything. It is true that John would leave them to their own devices a lot, thus the long stays in motels, the hunger, the food-stealing, and all. But John wasn’t always absent, at all. He trained them as soldiers, he disciplined them, he was around enough for them to be intimately familiar with what happened when he drank. He drove them around.

It’s almost like it’s preferable to Dean and Sam to spin their own “absent father” narrative, putting the accent on the time they spent alone, painting their childhood as a time they had to grow up on their own, rather than acknowledge they grew up under the thumb of a controlling, looming figure they would regularly live in fear of, even when he was not physically present.

The “absent father” narrative is what Dean and Sam need to use to avoid confronting the reality of the father figure whose moods and whims they had to dance around. “I know things got dicey... you know, with Dad... the way he was. And I just... I didn’t always look out for you the way that I should have. I mean, I had my own stuff, you know. In order to keep the peace, probably looked like I took his side quite a bit.”

John shaped their lives. He shaped their identities. Even in the episodes where he abandons Dean or both children somewhere, he’s portrayed as the figure who drives the car. He symbolically drives the car, you know? John shaped Dean and Sam’s relationship with each other, both on a surface level (the conflicts) and on a deeper level (the parental dynamic).

Heck. The entire first season of the show plays on John’s disappearance as the “elephant in the room”. John is there by not being there, you know? And after he dies, his death - his absence - is again the elephant in the room for Dean, the weight on his psyche that he shatters under.

It is not wrong that Dean and Sam had to spend long periods of time without John. But John structured their lives in quite minute detail. Where they needed to be, what they needed to do, what they must not do, everything had to follow John’s instructions. A drill sergeant, the narrative called him, ordering how his sons needed to live their lives. That’s no absence, except on a level where Chuck not showing himself and pretending he’s not there can be considered absent. That’s a presence, not necessarily always physical, but semiotical and psychological.

John is an absent father as much as Chuck is a hands-off god. He even writes himself into the story around the time Cas has the “season 1” phase (let’s go look for dad/let’s go look for god), which is when John actually was alive and appeared. Then he was no longer physically there, but he was still shaping his characters’ lives, just like he’d always done.

The “absent father” narrative on John is that - a narrative. Spun by the characters themselves because it’s easier and actually kinder on John. Or, better, it allows them not to be crushed by the psychological implications of having to accept that their father was such a looming, minutely formative figure in their lives. They know, but they can wave the “absent father” idea around to avoid thinking about it.

“I had to be a father and I had to be a mother” is something easier to tell yourself. I was the one who did it all. But he wasn’t, and that’s the problem. The fact that John was their father - Dean’s and Sam’s - is the problem. But ironically, blaming himself for every failure is a better option for Dean than fully acknowledging John’s abuse. As long as he blames himself, he has control over it. The moment he acknowledges the extent of John’s influence, he loses control over the entire narrative of his own identity and the family identity, the family dynamics. That’s scarier, just like realizing that God manipulated everything is much scarier than the alternative. “God abandoned us” was indeed a better option, and “John left us alone” was a better option. But neither was true, and the characters faced the implications of the cosmic level, but never got to face the implication of the familial level, because the narrative always danced around it and then Dabb’s apologist version “won”.

But what’s been put in the show is still there. The narrative of John’s abuse is still there. Nothing can take it out of the story.

#my spn thoughts #spn meta #dean and john #dean and sam and john #dean and chuck #dean and god #spn 11x20 #spn 11x21 #spn 14x20 #spn 12x22 #et alii #spn #long post

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strangerthings4theories · 3 years

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Mirror Images: Billy And El Are Reflections Of Each Other

As you read this post, hold the following concepts in your mind: yin and yang in Chinese philosophy. The Light Side and Dark Side in Star Wars. The real world and the Upside Down in Stranger Things.

That, my friends, is the level of thematic significance the Duffers are giving Billy and El. And it’s my top reason for believing Billy will come back.

Why?

El is arguably the main character of the show. Any character who’s linked to her so profoundly will be a Big Fuckin’ Deal.

You cannot, CANNOT, create such a consistent dynamic by accident, which tells me that...

...the Duffers have huge intentions for Billy. He will become more significant to the show, not less! If you think he’ll return just for flashbacks or memories, you’re not thinking big enough.

Buuuut I’m getting ahead of myself. First let me show you what I mean when I say Billy and El are mirror images. It’s pretty mind-blowing...

1) The broad strokes of Billy and El’s lives echo each other: their family backgrounds, their traumas, and their journeys in the show.

>>They’ve suffered under abusive fathers. In fact, in S2 they have encounters with their fathers in back-to-back episodes - El with Brenner in episode 7, Billy with Neil in episode 8.

Both fathers are likened to the Mind Flayer in the power they wield over their children. In episode 7, El’s hallucination of Brenner tells her she has a “wound... growing and festering” (my paraphrase), a clear reference to the tunnels of the Upside Down. Kali, as the creator of the hallucination, is trying to tell El that he is the source of the wound, and El won’t heal until she’s confronted him.

In episode 8, the title card “The Mind Flayer” opens on Neil driving back to the Hargrove house, implying he’s the real Mind Flayer in Billy’s life. As I’ve argued elsewhere, Billy won’t heal either until he’s confronted Neil.

>>Billy and El lost their mothers because of their fathers. Brenner fried Terry's brain with electricity for daring to defy him. Billy's mother left for an unknown reason, but we’re led to believe she couldn’t take Neil’s abuse anymore. The way she's presented in Billy's memories leads me to believe she has since passed away.

Billy and El are both devastated by their losses. When El tells Billy at Starcourt, “[Your mother] was pretty,” she’s trying to tell him she understands.

>>Billy and El have “adopted” sisters, Max and Kali. Max represents Billy's better nature; Kali represents El's darker nature. In the same season where Billy constantly insists Max isn't his sister - thereby rejecting her - El finds Kali and embraces her. This symbolizes Billy and El’s complementary journeys: Billy is learning to accept his light while El is learning to accept her darkness.

>>Billy and El are wounded and angry because of what’s happened to them. In S1 El worries she's a monster, and in S2 she nearly kills a man in her anger, only to stop herself at the last second (against the wishes of Kali, her darker nature). Billy lets his rage define him. He's turned into a bully over his teen years, and in S2 he nearly kills Steve. Max (his better nature) stops him.

>>Billy and El are viscerally connected to the Upside Down.

The Upside Down is pursuing El. We’re not sure why yet, but their predator/prey dynamic is the main source of conflict in the show. Brenner says to her in S1, “It [the Upside Down] is reaching out to you ‘cause it wants you. It’s calling you. So don’t turn away from it this time.” His words form the backbone of the narrative:

In S1, El opens the first Gate, introducing the Upside Down to our world and setting the events of the show in motion. At the climax, she defeats the Demogorgon, the Mind Flayer's first servant.

S2 deals with the evolving consequences of El opening the first Gate. At the climax, El closes the Gate (symbolically “turning away" from the Upside Down) and catches the Mind Flayer's attention in the process.

In S3, the Mind Flayer comes after El to kill her. She runs from him, and her friends intervene to save her.

In future seasons, the Mind Flayer will regroup and try again but to corrupt her this time, not kill her. The climax of the entire show will hinge on the resolution of their conflict. El will be forced to stop running and face the Mind Flayer head-on.

In S3, Billy is caught by the Mind Flayer and turned into his instrument to hunt El down. This creates a yin/yang situation where Billy and El are revolving around each other, with the Mind Flayer in the center pulling on them both. At Starcourt, El saves Billy's soul by bypassing the Mind Flayer completely - building “the rainbow bridge.”

If you remember that Brenner and Neil, their abusive fathers, are likened to the Mind Flayer, their interaction becomes the story of Billy re-enacting his trauma, and El helping him heal it.

2) Runaway Max gives us a special case of Billy and El mirroring each other.

In S1, one of El's biggest moments happens in episode 6. Mike and Dustin have been cornered by the bullies Troy and James. Right when all hope is lost, El shows up and breaks Troy’s arm. After that, she confesses tearfully, “The gate. I opened it. I'm the monster.” This brings forward her inner struggle - am I a monster for the things I do? - which she will no doubt revisit in future seasons.

Keep in mind that Troy is around 12 years old, and El breaks his right arm.

Jump forward to S2. At one point, Billy complains, “Yeah, we're stuck here [in Hawkins]. And whose fault is that?” - implying it's somehow Max's. She disagrees. “Yours,” she mutters under her breath.

In the show, we never get an explanation. Runaway Max tells us everything.

Back in California, Billy is spiraling deeper and deeper into a pit of rage. One fateful afternoon, he takes it out on Max and her best friend Nate, a 12-year-old boy. When Max resists him, he seizes Nate's right arm and twists it behind his back. He holds it there, watching Max.

“What are you going to do?” he asks, a crazed look in his eyes.

When she does nothing, he breaks Nate's arm.

The fallout is catastrophic. Within weeks, Neil decides they should all move away from California for the good of the family.

Now think about this. El breaks a 12-year-old boy's right arm to save her friends from bullies. Billy breaks a 12-year-old boy's right arm... because he is the bully.

It’s part of the wider pattern: El is light, Billy is darkness.

3) The Duffers use physical markers to underscore Billy and El’s similarities.

>>When the MF wrecks Billy's car, Billy's forehead smashes into the windshield, leaving a gash. At Starcourt, he slams El into the wall, giving her a wound in the same spot. Thematically, their wounds tell the story of Billy suffering abuse, then turning around and inflicting it on El. He’s perpetuating a cycle, and it’s up to him to stop it.

>>Both Billy and El are limping by the time they reach Starcourt. El's leg is injured from the Mind Flayer, while Billy injures his in the car crash. These wounds tell the story of El, the “innocent,” suffering pain through no fault of her own while Billy, the “guilty” one, is being punished for his crimes. (I put those words in quotes because I believe the show will challenge our assumptions.)

A sad footnote: El has Max and Mike to help her walk. Billy has no one.

>>In S2, Billy gets a nosebleed out of the same nostril as El. This says a LOT, marking him as a future “superhero” and putting him in the same class as El, Kali, and El's mom Terry.

Off the top of my head, only two other characters get nosebleeds, Mayor Kline and Steve. But the blood never comes cleanly out of one nostril the way it does with El. I believe that was a purposeful design choice to avoid muddying the symbolic waters.

...

Y’all, I’ve already hit my picture limit for a single post, and I’m not even done yet :p So I’ll stop there for now. Eventually I’ll show you how El is connected to the Demogorgon in the same strange way as Billy.

You see what I mean though? There is no fuckin’ way Billy is dead for good. Why would the Duffers give him this much resonance with El, then drop him?

It makes no sense.

If you ask me, they’ve got plans for our boy. World-altering plans. He’s not just coming back; by the end of the show, he’s gonna be a Big Goddamn Hero.

»»————-　✼　————-««

Billy Is Alive - A Meta Series

#billy hargrove #el hopper #billy hargrove is alive #stranger things theory #stranger things analysis #neil hargrove #martin brenner #terry ives #billy hargrove's mother #kali prasad #max mayfield #nothin' but parallels all the way down

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