#this feels weirdly ableist and I cannot explain why | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

reddoesthingsfinally · 2 years

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So. Um.

I don't remember if we ever put it here, but we don't experience memory gaps.

Now, allow me to contradict myself, because that's what I do. Apparently having a foggy/blurry memory of when an alter fronted, or losing only a few minutes of when an alter fronted, counts as amnesia. Which, not only would explain multiple times when we didn't remember a simple 5 minutes that someone else did, it also explains why we have such bad memory across us. We can't really share memories, though blurry memories tend to be easier to access when the alter of the time is fronting/co-fronting/conscious, so we often forget whatever we were doing or what happened there.

So...is this normal? Does this mean we have to rethink everything again? Does this mean we're not actually a system? Agh! I know I should be talking to my therapist about this, but every time we bring up maybe being or just being a system, she seems to just...not know what to say. We brought a journal of symptoms last session, and she wanted to see that, but Red, being our protector, didn't let her. Which I'm not upset at her for, to be clear, I actually much prefer that to the decision I would've made. But our therapist just...doesn't seem to know how to handle it? Or maybe not what we're talking about? Or maybe she doesn't think we're a system? So we're just...not bringing this up to her for now.

Anyway, enjoy my vents, because I am incredibly, incredibly, lost, and so confused. I'm trying to limit the blog to questions, or confusions, or neutral to positive stuff, but I'm honestly so scared. Yes, of course I'm relieved, but it's just hitting me...that I'm not always going to know what happened. I'm getting closer and closer to headspace, even when someone else is fronting, and I feel like I'm losing more and more control. Which, I guess is the nature of sharing your body, but...it's scary. Because it was terrifying enough being one teenager that didn't know what they were doing, all they knew was their own feelings, physical and mental, but suddenly there are others there that can uproot my life if they choose to. And I don't think they would, but Red's been getting really close to banning an ableist online person from our life that may result in someone else having to deal with the aftermath, and relationships have gotten so much more confusing, and I wouldn't be able to survive without them, and I never want them to leave, but I'm a teenager that can't handle change, and needs for the little illusion of control I have in my life, and when even that is gone, it's...kind of scary. And, weirdly enough, I feel really alone. Because I know everyone else has experienced this every single day, and I'm probably just wining about stubbing my toe to them, but for me...I never really had control in my life, so the control I can have is treasured to me, maybe a bit too much. But now, I'm losing even that, and I'm trying to be okay and I'm trying to focus on the positive but I cannot deny that it is terrifying to not know what my body will do next. Because it's not really mine anymore, is it?

Maybe I should have more trust in my alters, but I - I don't! I'm scared, and I know that they'll be there for me when I'm curled up, sobbing on the floor, but I don't know if I can genuinely say that I'm okay with giving up so much control to them if they asked.

Mmm, dramatic venting, my favorite coping mechanism. Pretending I live in a book so I can make long, dramatic speeches.

#questioning system #am i a system?#do i have alters?#am i faking it?#ramble #vent #system vent #this is fine #vent tw #tw vent #cw vent #vent cw #memory issues #memory loss #lost time #brain fog

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dumbbutterflies · 3 years

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(This is a crackpost for my friends ^-^)

Why is it okay to simp for Kankri Vantas?

Reason Number 1: He's a seer of blood.

In a weirdly worded definition it say, "One who invites knowledge and helps others with knowledge of their aspect. (In this case the aspect blood.)"

Now what is the aspect of blood? Blood is the aspect of relationships and emotions. (Shoutout to Max.)

So a seer of blood would be extremely aware and cautious of how they can affect other people. And how other people could affect other people. Whether this presents in physical actions or spoken word, they're aware of how it may make others feel. This presents in Kankri's lectures because he doesn't want harm to come to his co-players but doesn't know how to express that other then being hyperaware of their triggers and trying to teach them how their actions and words may trigger others.

Reason number 2: He's a cancer.

Sounds weird and biased but I don't believe there were any bad cancers in homestuck, but that's not a valid reason in itself so let's go into some cancer stereotypes.

Cancers are known as intuitive and emotional.

That makes them hard to get to know, but that makes his character even more understandable.

He is known for his long lectures that leave even Karkat speechless, and this also plays back into the seer of blood thing as well. He again, is very aware of how words and actions may affect others, which leads him to try to educate others on triggers. He tells people what he thinks is right and wrong, even if to us or others it may not seem morally correct.

For the emotional part of the cancer stereotypes, he gets very angry and upset if one of his triggers is violated, which is understandable. He also is always trying to respect other's triggers which again, plays into the intuitive and seer of blood thing, but that makes him more respectable in my eyes because there are so many people out there who don't ask, or even make fun of other people's triggers.

He doesn't like being touched, and is also celibate. This makes him understand and respect boundaries even more, and therefore, he would never pressure you into doing anything you didn't want to, or weren't willing to.

Reason number 3: All Homestuck Character's are morally grey. (And quite a few of them are quite literally, physically grey too ^-^)

Let me explain this. So the main point against Kankri is he has also said slurs, and was ableist towards Mituna. However, I think almost every single character in homestuck has said slurs at least once, and many have done way worse then Kankri. Kankri even defends Mituna against Meenah and Cronus sometimes.

Back to the morally grey thing. On top of that, they're trolls. They grew up differently, and live in an entirely different society then we do. You cannot hold them to human morals.

If you're saying it's not okay to simp for Kankri due to his lectures or perceived ableism at times, but simp for Vriska, you have bigger issues lmao. (Shoutout to Max pt.2 /j /lh)

Reason number 4: Gender envy.

Okay, okay, but adding onto the last point of the morally grey characters, Kankri was based on tumblr white knight stereotypes.

His character is meant to be a little cringy.

Reason number 5: He's relatable.

He's described as, "Naive and rebellious," and as a teenager that strikes a cord with me. We don't know everything yet and most commonly we go against and fight authority. (Or our parents, but to most teens that's the same thing.)

Reason number 6 (isn't a real reason and is more of a closing but ^-^): Overall he's just a relatable, and understandable character and yeah, my brain is tired. Sorry for any grammar errors or misspellings. Enjoy I guess.

By the way, simp for who you want, this was just a desperate attempt at a joke and explaining why I simp for him for a reason other then he's a transition goal. /hj

#homestuck #kankri vantas #homestuck kankri #hs kankri #simping #gender envy #mostly a joke #crack post #shit post

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