#i also am a fucked up person who cannot ask for help and support due to a life time of being shamed and humiliated for it

[lupismaris]

The closer i get to surgery the more thoughts and feelings i am having and the messier they are and at the moment they can be summed up simply with

Shout-out to trans folks without solid support systems or chosen families or reliable local friends to see them through their transitions or without the strength and courage to stand up for themselves and ask for more from those in their lives. You'll get through this one way or another. It's not easy and it will never feel easy, and love never looks the same way to the same person. Someone may very well love you and it may never be the love you need. Someone may never show up the way you need them to. And it will always be hard. But you are still standing. You are worth the work, you are worth showing up for.

#this isn't a callout post or anything itsnjust been a very long week of realizations #mostly that the people I spend the most time with aren't good for me and dont care to the extent they should #and the friends/chosen family who do love me dont have the capacity for care right now to be present in the way i need them to be #i also am a fucked up person who cannot ask for help and support due to a life time of being shamed and humiliated for it #and my partners are under incredible stress and distance and thus can also only carry so much weight #so here we are

[ad-hawkeye]

Hi! I read your blog and you wondered for a Vyn stan's take on his 2nd anniversary card. I am a Vyn stan and I really really love that card. Also, as far as I know most of my fellow Vyn stans love that card too.

His proposal card is an antithesis to his confession card. In his confession, he asked MC to wait as he prepares a perfect time and venue to confess in his personal chapter 4 when MC was about to tell him her feelings. Everything went according to plan, everything was in control. In contrast, his proposal plans were disrupted, he was also going to ask MC to wait as he prepares for their future when MC asked him why he was so busy but then everything went haywire, he panics and he just decided to "fuck plans" and decided to propose on the spot.

His proposal is so endearing and so sincere because he is a perfectionist. For him, everything must be perfect, every situation must be within his control. He has always been calm and rational but when it comes to MC, his emotions tramples rationality. His behavior in this proposal is a culmination of the development Vyn underwent as their relationship became deeper.

During their time together, Vyn has slowly let his guards down. He was afraid at first to show his "imperfect" side but MC assures him that it is fine, that she accepts every side of him; that even if he falls into the abyss, she will be by his side and lift him up. Because honestly, Vyn has issues that stems from childhood. Vyn became more and more comfortable to show his vulnerabilities and to confide his fears.

Their relationship is equal, Vyn supports her as MC supports him. They respect each others thoughts. They always talk about their issues and come up with solutions. They learn and grow from one another.

The bathroom scene is hot but is also symbolic of Vyn's trust on MC.

Even if he thinks that his proposal was not perfect enough, for me, it was perfectly imperfect. It was "Carpe Diem". He was willing to let go of all his plans out of his "desire" to propose not because it is "time" to propose.

An added bonus is we finally meet his mother and see their relationship which adds to his family lore.

Sorry for the long ramble, I just can't help myself 😖 I could go on more and more into detail why his proposal was perfect but I think this is long enough and it'll be incoherent hahaha

I haven't read Artem's proposal card but I'm sad that it was like that. He's my 2nd favorite though I haven't been following his relationship progress. Perhaps they will address this issue in the future?

YES!!!!! THIS IS THE INPUT I WANTED TO HEAR SO BADLY!!! oh my god don't apologize at all, i genuinely think vyn is a fascinating character and this card, like i mentioned a while back, did actually shoot him up on my preferences list. i love it when characters have contrast, so someone like vyn who MUST have control of a situation having his proposal fall to shambles was so SO endearing to me. this type of human error is why artem's older cards appealed to me, so i was so happy to see vyn get similar treatment.

thank you so much for reaching out, anon! i'm genuinely so so happy and thrilled to hear most vyn stans liked it; i was afraid it wouldn't be liked due its departure from the typical "vyn is in control" deal because i really liked how OUT of control he was. for Everything.

even for someone like me who finds it hard to get into fanservice, it did its job character wise, and didn't feel like it betrayed vyn as a character (in fact it matched w the vyn w no control deal), i just wasn't sure if vyn stans felt the same way.

cannot express this enough, i am SO glad vyn got such a funny and endearing card. hoping you get more like it in the future! i'll leave it here since i have nothing more to add, this meta for vyn is so concise and wonderfully written, i adore it.

#asks #anon #tears of themis #tot spoilers #vyn richter #this deserves to go in the tag #what a lovely bit of meta for him seriously #meta

[vixenfur]

hi vix! i was just wondering if you’re still friends with solar? i’m super sorry if this question comes off in bad faith, not my intension!! but you may not have, but they post underage eren x adult levi content 😬

I—

you DEADASS cannot be serious right now. is this a fucking joke?? ARE YOU PLAYING A PRANK ON ME? WHO THE FUCK EVEN ARE YOU? HELP AM I GETTING PUNK'D? 💀💀💀💀

GIRL. With all due respect: WHAT? HAVE YOU SEEN THE SHIT I WRITE???? HONEY... SWEETIE... PLEASE TAKE A STROLL ONTO MY AO3 FIRST

the sheer irony of YOU coming into MY inbox ABOUT SOLAR OF ALL PEOPLE while I, WHO HAS BEEN CALLED OUT and DOGPILED BY THE LIKES OF YOU TONS OF TIMES, stand upon my filthy pile of age gap content that I WRITE AND CONSUME ON THE REGULAR, AND YOU EXPECT ME TO DROP ONE OF THE COOLEST, SWEETEST, FUNNIEST, BESTEST FRIENDS I HAVE, BECAUSE OF A SHIP WE HAVE BOTH BEEN OBSESSED WITH FOR YEARS?

REALLY????

Pro tip: do your research before supporting creators like me! clearly you're too young and/or ignorant to understand kink/fantasy and erotica in fandom, so you think that writing about "underage" eren and levi is a reason for me to end a friendship with someone who means more to me than some random anon on tumblr dot com. idk what to say to you girl. spend your time educating yourself more and also despite how fucking funny this was it definitely pissed me off a bit too bc you're acting like Solar did something wrong. Don't go saying shit about Solar like this all skeazy behind her back on tumblr asks bc that's just sad and also creepy, also if I ever find out who you are I will tear your fragile reputation to shreds for even HINTING that Solar is a bad or gross person undeserving of friends.

Also not to mention that all of Solar's content has Eren as 18+ so you're literally just lying. Why? Riddle me that bozo

And yea, for the fucking record, I enjoy content of Eren in his teens with Levi as an adult bc it's harmless and fun, it's sexy, it's fictional, and I like it. In case that wasn't CLEAR ENOUGH ALREADY by looking at my Ao3 where I've written scenarios of a similar problematic nature, there's your confirmation! 

Idk how you could possibly say that to my face and say you’re not trying to come off with bad intentions. I’m sorry if my reaction comes across as really mean, but I’m not sorry that it might hurt your feelings bc you need the wake up call. You cannot go accusing perfectly good content creators of something harmless like this in their friend’s inboxes and expect me to be nice to you in response or expect that you actually come in good faith. Take a look at yourself first!?

Now get some fucking eyes and fuck out of my asks now for real LMAO BYE

#absolute CLOWNERY #this made me actually tear up laughing #solar is the best ever i love her #dumbass anon #hall of fame

[kyrdjava]

Hello everyone. Sorry for the bad English, it's not my first language.

My name is Daria and I'm a neurodivergent queer woman, who really doesn't know where else to go for help.

I have a borderline personality disorder and a recurrent depressive disorder. Right now I'm not taking any medication or getting any therapy, and things got so bad I can't ignore them anymore.

I've delt with depressive episodes and my BPD acting up before, but only once it was so bad, and that time I ended up in the mental ward after a suicide attempt.

My episode started in spring and it only got worse since. Right now it's at the point where I'm seriously struggling with doing the most basic things; it's hard to wake up, to do my bed, to shower, to feed my cats, to makeyself a cup of tea. Cooking or dying my hair seems an impossible task. Going to work exhausts me to the point I can just stop in the corridor on my way to the office, because I just can't move anymore. I'm not even talking about losing interest and ability to enjoy my favourite things, I'm loooong past that. Now even food can't make me feel better.

I am extremely tired all the time no matter how much I sleep. I've lost appetite almost completely. I'm suicidal. Yesterday I caught myself on planning a visit to a lawyer to make a will. I'm 27, for fuck's sake, should I be thinking of this right now?

Plus, my BPD is making me super sensitive to the littlest things. I can crash and have a meltdown because a customer told me I sound like a robot. I'm constantly suppressing the tears, because when I stop for a moment and try to think of my situation, I get into so much despair, I can start wailing in public.

I have a pretty stable job (thought they cut my pay just a few weeks ago), but due to all my issues my performance is suffering severely. I work in customer support, where I have to be nice and cheerful all my 12 hours working day. I cannot. I became rude, inattentive and indifferent. My superiors already noticed that, and I'm not sure how much longer they will keep me around. Now it is the worst fucking time in my country to try and find a new job, so I really can't afford losing it.

Now to the point why I don't ask my family and friends. I have a moderately supportive family, though our relationship is kinda complicated, and an amazing best friend who always volunteers to help me. But a disaster struck us a few days ago, and now all our finances are going there. And by all I mean even my siblings' who don't even live with us anymore.

Our oldest cat is very, very sick. She has cancer; she needs a lot of medication, regular checkups and tests, blood transfusions and specialised diet.

If you ever had a sick pet, you know how incredibly expensive it can become, and I'm constantly crushed by immense guilt that I can't afford everything my cat (and my three other cats) may ever need. So everything I earn goes towards their needs, except for basic necessities like food, hygiene and transportation. I simply won't let my pathetic self spend any more on myself, when my Musya is suffering so much.

And considering how much everyone in my family has given and continues to give for Musya's treatment, I really, really can't ask them for fucking anything ever fucking again.

I also won't let myself ask my best and only friend for money, because she provides for her whole family, and the crisis wasn't kind to her either.

I also have a shit ton of debts I'm trying to pay right now, that I got in when I tried to change my job (and failed), and also because I eas really stupid towards my finances before.

So I came here. I calculated the amount needed for a single visit to my psychiatrist and roughly a month of medication (if it would be the same medication I've been prescribed before), and it comes to about 150$. I don't even know if it's possible to raise such an amount, but I've seen people try to do it on Tumblr, and I am desperate.

So, here's a link to my Buy Me A Coffee, that I made yesterday.

https://www.buymeacoffee.com/kyrdjava

I've never used it before, but I did a little research and it seems like an only option, considering the country I live in.

If I'll be able to raise the needed amount, in, say, a couple of months, I will post all the receipts for my doctor's appointment and all the meds, so you can be sure all the money was used as intended. Even if I won't, every donation will be spent on Musya's health, and, of course, I will post all the receipts also.

#personal #ask for help #donations #buymeacoffee #mental health

[noroi1000]

Hi, my name is ria and thanks for accepting my request.

pronouns: - she/her , straight , interested in men

fandom : jjk

appearance:- i am 5'3 , i have blackish brown wavy hair , big brown eyes and pretty eyebrows. I am neither chubby nor slender just the perfect weight for my height. my skin complexion is wheatish.

MBTI: intj

personality:- i am often viewed as cold individual with superiority complex and the 'hard-worker' of the group. which is true to some extent (except the superiority complex part).i can be super funny, sarcastic and i have varied emotions. i work really hard to fulfil responsibilties. i am  loyal , and responsible. I do get depressed with life sometimes finding no meaning or purpose but try my best to move on. i also cannot make friends easily due to trust issues, also I am not close to anyone not  even to my parents I find it so hard to match up to their expectations of being 'perfect' and it stresses me so much. The best part about  dating me can be that i can help u with u r work and  motivate to u and be there for u when times r tough.

likes:- i really like it when others are passionate about their dreams and work for it. I find it really attractive. Also people who defend their loved ones even if the world is against them is also such an attractive quality. i like long walks in garden with my loved one with meaningful silence and meaningful late night conversations on any topic is my favourite thing. I just want them to treat me special sometimes.

dislikes:- gossips , drama , liars , hypocrites , bossy people . infidelity is deal breaker for me. i get super cold and won't address the problem anymore and break the relation right away.

hobbies: books , cooking ( i am reallyyy good at it ) , anime , music and occasionally i sing and most of them tell me i have good voice but i don't think so .

love language :- i am happy to give whatever kind of affection they crave for.

i like to receive words of affirmation and acts of service.

physical affection is totally ok in later stage of relation.

A/N: We have very similar characters🙂

I think your matchup is

Suguru Geto

He is seen as a dispassionate person. As if he was empty inside. No emotions. Even so, these emotions always seem dark. When you look at him, one thing that can be noticed, is a dark aura. Which is why he is also confused with a cold person. He can also be considered to be superior to other people. But it is not so. He is the person who sees almost every person as equal. And even he himself may consider himself lower in position than the rest...

He is responsible and always tries to work hard to get everything done. And until he finishes it, he won't stop there.

His emotions are different. He is actually a very cheerful person. He can annoy you sometimes. He can laugh like no other, and have fun in the same way. You just need to be in the right mood and in the right company. He can also laugh at people and his own stupidity...

He does his duty, but also feels like nothing makes sense. How can he work hard without thanks from others? He always wants to show it's okay, even if it isn't. He always wants to avoid showing bad emotions to get through it all.

His trust is given only to his closest friends. No one else will get it. It has a very fickle nature and has its own secrets. Only some people can handle him like this, and he will let it happen to himself.

He tries to help as much as he can, to support others. He can even become such a support that he can replace the family. He can respect people's opinion and has no intention of spoiling anyone's dreams. Even if he himself cannot have what he wants, he will not take away hope from others. He supports people who pursue their goals.

He is capable of lying himself. But he does it most often when someone asks about his well-being. Even though he's literally beaten by life, fucked up, he will say with a smile on his face that everything is fine.

He doesn't want to lose anyone. He doesn't want anything to happen to anyone. He is able to do whatever it takes to make someone happy. He does not like when someone is lying himself saying that he is okay.

Headcanon:

• A relationship with him is like an oasis of peace combined with a constant party inside.

• Every moment with him is loving, even if he irritates you. Many people may hate him for always seeming better than them, and he is often disrespectful too. Some persons knows the behavior of others well, and does not care when someone hates him. Like how he is, there must be a reason. And if it is a person of insignificance to him, it would make no sense to try to come back to that person's favor. In there is something important to him that he cannot explain. He doesn't know how. Some of them are playful people who can come back as if nothing had ever happened between them, or there are also people in peoplehis life whom he is able to apologize to. For example, when he wants to be reconciled quickly.

• He wouldn't be able to betray a friend, much less a partner. He can't think of a broken heart. If someone doesn't break his heart, he won't be able to break that person's heart. For him, no one deserves a broken heart. Unless he did something that proves he's not worth being treated well. He doesn't want you to suffer. He will be a faithful friend and boyfriend. No matter what will happen.

• If you like something, he also likes it. After all, if you like a thing, he will do the same. He likes you. You can ask him for something and he will do it. Not that he will do everything without hesitation. He must know what he is doing and what the results will be. But it is important that you will be satisfied with it.

• He likes to listen to you, to look at you and also to feel you. Anything that can show him that you are with him.

• When you need it, he will keep telling you that he loves you. You are important to him. And a lot of other things. That you would believe in yourself in times of weakness and that you are not alone.

• Hugging, kissing, talking. Whatever it is, he loves it all. He's a good listener and it's nice to cuddle with him. He can give you a sense of security very quickly.

• He doesn't want you to hide from him that you are bad.

• He has its requirements. Surely he would like an important person to think that he is equally important to him. That this person would give him their feelings.

• If he can do anything for someone important, he would like it too. But it's enough for him to be with him.

"You know you can rely on me, right? I love you just the way you are. Don't worry about the world, Okay? We are not able to do everything perfectly as others would like. Hey, it's okay now. Come here. I will try to improve your mood for the day!"

#Jujutsu Kaisen #jjk #jjk anime #jjk headcanons #jjk x reader #jjk x y/n #geto x you #jjk matchups #anime matchup #matchups #Jujutsu kaisen matchups

[skittidyne]

oliver meeting a new friend(?)

here is a NON deleted scene from how to 2! oliver is running late for dinner plans and encounters a strange would-be client...

Oliver is running later than he likes due to that stupid med-mal deposition running long. The delivery person already texted him—twice, the second letting him know that they were dropping it off at the front desk—and reception had called up to his floor just as he grabbed his jacket and bolted for the stairs. 

He’s out of breath by the time he hits the ground floor, but it’s good cardio, and he’s been sitting all day. He’s not built for the sedentary lifestyle. Alright, with video conferencing taking off now that most old guys halfway understand how to work a computer, there will be plenty of sitting in his lawyerly future, but Legally Blonde had told him there’d also be a lot of standing and pacing and pointing in dramatic trials, too. He has to get out of internship hell and into actual associate territory first, and he realistically knows that he has a way to go before being trial attorney for anything, but it’s still on his Dreams Of A Better Future list. (The one picked out by his mother, at any rate.) 

Oliver rushes to the front desk; he’s late enough that the second shift receptionist has taken over, and he normally doesn’t deal with her, so he stalls on her name. 

There’s a short woman ahead of him in conversation order, tapping her nails on the polished marble desk, giving him time to remember the common courtesy of his coworker’s name. Nevermind that it’s a stupid huge firm and most attorneys put their noses up at support staff. Oliver isn’t gonna be that guy. 

“I don’t want to go to the police or Peoples Law Firm, as I told you,” the short woman nearly growls, shoulders hunching up around her ears. She’s in a bulky, beige coat and a knitted beanie covers most of her hair, but from what he can see, it’s dyed strangely. Sort of streaked, but sort of like patches of color. Must have been hell at the salon. 

“Ma’am, I am not sure where to refer you to a consultation if you cannot give me more details of what you’re asking,” the poor receptionist replies. Her eyes flick up to Oliver beseechingly. 

He may not remember her name, maybe it starts with an I or something, but he cannot ignore a cry for help when he sees one. “Excuse me, miss, is there anything I can help with? I’m an attorney here,” Oliver smoothly interrupts. 

The short woman—she hardly reaches his bicep, woah—turns and looks up at him with the prettiest hazel eyes he’s ever seen. They’re huge, almond-shaped, and practically gold. Her face is round, nose cute and snub, skin flawless and not giving any clue as to her age. 

And she clearly has no fucking clue why she’s here, because she doesn’t ask what department he’s from or what sort of lawyer he is, and instead imperiously demands, “I need help finding someone who does not have current legal records to track.” 

Oliver and the receptionist exchange a look. He hides his bewilderment as best he can. “Well, uh, okay. That sort of sounds more like a job for the police.” 

“I don’t want to involve the police, or the Peoples Law Firm,” the woman maintains. 

Oliver has no clue why she insists on that second part. It’s a big firm in the city, bigger even than theirs, but does a lot more weird shit like what she’s suggesting. Would their lawyers help find a missing person? Hell, they probably would. 

But not here. 

“Let me get your name and number, and I’ll pass it along to the para who handles incoming cases. He can give you more information when he gives you a call back,” Oliver lies. He will take her name and number, and might even toss it to the paralegal pool in case someone wants to bark up this tree, but he honestly cannot fathom why she would come to a law firm for a missing person. 

With no current legal records? What an odd addition. If nothing else, it’s gossip fodder. 

The woman stands on the tips of her toes to reach for the notepad and pen the receptionist slides over. Then, she hesitates. 

“I need information, not a call back,” she says. 

“Unfortunately, neither of us can give you in-depth information about a prospective case—your best bet would be to leave your information and have another of our staff contact you,” the receptionist hastens to say. 

“I don’t have a working phone number,” the short woman primly replies. 

Oliver’s turn to give the poor receptionist a beseeching look; a ghost of a frown passes over her Customer Service expression, and she rolls her chair to the side far side of her pen to retrieve a huge plastic tote stuffed full with brown paper food bags. “This delivery arrived for you earlier,” she says like she doesn’t know that’s the only reason he’s bothering them both. 

Oliver’s stomach growls as he takes the food. He’d ordered a ton because Isaac had finally given in and agreed to a night in to watch Black Butler with Sam. It’s the perfect opportunity, plus a fun plan, except he’s already running an hour late. The smell of spices makes his eyes water in the best way; he likes spicy Indian, Isaac does not, and they both agreed that they ought to test Sam’s tastebuds. Time for the demon to run the gauntlet. 

The short woman sneezes like she’s allergic to spiciness. It’s as adorable and as small as she is. 

The receptionist holds out the tissue box with a polite, “Bless you.” The short woman stares at her with those huge eyes like she’s never been blessed-you before in her life. 

“How about this,” Oliver says, moving the bag away from her to his other arm, “I can give you my work cell, and you can contact me at any time during the next few business days, and I’ll connect you personally to someone who can help you.” 

He does not yet know who he could foist this onto—Brad handles incoming med-mal cases, Barb handles matrimony, and he doesn’t actually know other departments’ dedicated paras for incoming shit—but he can’t leave the poor receptionist (is her name Isabelle?) alone with a belligerent not-client. The office manager has left for the day and he doesn’t want this to escalate to needing security. 

“I suppose that would work,” the woman sighs like this is a great ordeal. (It is, but not on her end.) Her nose wrinkles again, but she doesn’t follow up with another sneeze. Oliver wonders if Sam is going to sneeze over the food, too. 

“Here, sorry,” Oliver mutters and tries to keep himself bodily between her and the food. He scribbles down his number on the pad of paper. “Not important enough for my own business card, but I can help you tomorrow, or whenever is convenient for you to call. You can even leave a voicemail tonight. Oh—and my name is Oliver.” He does not include his surname, because while she doesn’t seem to know a single thing about law firms, it doesn’t take a genius to see his last name on the building. 

“Kirara,” she replies and takes the whole pad of paper without ripping the top note off. 

“I look forward to hearing from you, but if you’ll excuse me, ladies, I really have to get going.” He scoots around Kirara (what an unusual name, sounds anime), still keeping the bag away from her, and waves to the night receptionist. 

Irina. That’s her name. 

To Oliver’s unending chagrin, Kirara follows him out into the cold night. He’s lucky there isn’t a wind to fight him. (He knows his hair gel, even after a long day, can withstand about anything, thankfully.) 

“The cops would probably be a better idea if you’re missing someone,” Oliver comments, fumbling a moment with his jacket. 

Kirara does not move to hail a cab, but stuffs her hands—and the entire pad of paper—in her big coat’s pockets. After a moment, she pulls her knitted beanie even lower on her head. “The police won’t help in this case, and I can’t readily go to them.” 

“Is there… something else going on?” He waits with bated breath for the potential drama bomb. 

“She left, and I think she is what you call a minor.” 

“Dude, just a runaway?” he mutters before he can stop himself. Kirara squints up at him and he pastes on a smile while reminding himself to stay in fancy lawyer mode for a little while longer. Even if he should have been free ages ago. He’s surprised Isaac isn’t sending bitchy texts every five seconds yet. “If there are extenuating circumstances, we can discuss options with you.” 

“As you said. At this point, I’m willing to try almost anything,” Kirara grumbles. She casts another bright-eyed look up at him. Her eyes remind him of what little he saw of Christine. “I will contact you, after I figure out a better way to explain the circumstances. I can pay very well. You’re welcome.” 

“Uh. Thanks?” 

But before he can stress that he will not be the one working with her, she marches off into the early evening. 

He’s had to deal with weirder clients, though, so he shakes his head, mentally shakes it off, and hails a ride for himself. 

#me putting my law firm experience into oliver is always fun #all-day depositions are THE WORST #how to put the romance back in necromancy #also oliver sweetie don't deal willingly with the weird clients otherwise you'll ALWAYS be the one support staff turns to #you don't want that life #(if he even wants the lawyerly life at all)

[potatopossums]

vent under cut. i got triggered and I'm just letting it out and exploring it.

ok, my pet peeves is when people get drunk and then talk about how hungover they're going to be the next day.

dude, i don't give a shit lol. yes pls rant to me about your self-induced, incurable alcohol come-down plus a side of headache and dehydration.

aka i am not a fan of people who (chronically) do things and then complain about the consequences of doing said thing.

i can't drink on most occasions. i can't have fun doing that shit. I'm not even that jealous of the shortlived fun; my problem is that my ibs flares up right away. i start feeling crappy and hungover an hour or two in, after legit one standard drink sometimes, no matter how much food and water prep i have before, during and after alcohol. it just fucks me up anyway. so don't tell me I'm just jealous, i know what your dumb hangover feels like, i don't sit there and complain about it and make it everyone else's problem. i just say "hm yeah i don't think I'm going to drink anything (else)," because i don't want to feel like shit.

i also just fundamentally do not understand why some people find it worth it to get drunk and then have a shitty morning after. i don't like to feel shitty. i struggle enough with feeling shitty for eating fucking bread or garlic or ice cream. i don't need yet another factor in my life that will add to my pain and fuck up my medication, and probably my mental health to boot. weed, on the other hand, doesn't fuck me up. drug of choice. the high might carry over into the next day but i won't feel like garbage. just kind of high still. a little silly and out of it, but mostly fine. i can deal with that.

for the record, i don't have a problem w people who drink and get drunk and hammered and whatever else.

the only thing i have a problem with is when any of that behavior or its aftermath is made or expected to be my responsibility. that's a trigger for me. i do not exist to corral drunk people, i do not exist to be a personal secretary for a drunk person. will i do it for my friends or a stranger who needs help? yes. will i stick around those environments or come back with those same friends? not without a talk and some change in behavior. i find it really disrespectful to deliberately do something that has a known effect on your mind and health, to the point of sickness or unconsciousness, and then thrust responsibility onto someone who has not agreed to that. will i hate you for it if you accidentally overdo it and get sick or pass out? no. accidents happen. what i do not forgive is repeated behavior. and what i don't like is people just assuming that I'm fine with dealing with that behavior or the potential of it without asking me or informing me of their habits beforehand. it puts pressure on me to take responsibility for them later on when they physically cannot take care of themselves, and because i may be the only person who knows them, I'm the only one who can get them home or accompany them to the hospital or call familial or friend support if needed. i do not want that responsibility to just be unquestioningly thrust upon me every time i go out with friends to a place that has alcohol.

I've been in shitty enough environments that weren't even abusive, and that was enough to piss me off and create triggers of mistrust. i had to deal with a husband that drank and took out all of his emotions on me, his sickness, his hangovers, his complaining about it, his behavior while with him in public, the inability to sleep in the same room to him during his drunk sleep due to snoring and his taking up the whole bed, among other things.

forgive me for not being tolerant of people who might even seem like they'd do a fraction of that to me, and especially expect me to just be okay with it because "i should expect it, that's just what people do to have fun."

from my experience, drunk people are not fucking fun. they suck. i know that isn't true of all drunk people, and I've definitely had fun times with certain people, but it has always seemed to break apart my relationships more than it brought people together. I'm an intimate person. i don't like being intimate with that kind of behavior and consequences. and it really upsets me to want that intimacy from people who then want to go and cross that boundary for me.

it really sucks and i seriously hate that this isn't a conversation that can be more comfortably had because it's just an "accepted reality" in our culture, an expectation, a norm. again, i don't care that people like to do what they like to do on their own time. just please don't assume I'm ok with taking care of you in the aftermath of your decisions. i don't hate you for your decisions and what you think is fun, but don't expect me to agree with you, don't expect me to think it's funny or cute, don't expect me to take care of you because I'm your friend. i have my boundaries and it makes me no less of a friend, but what isn't acceptable to me is the ostracization and erasure of people with those boundaries, the erasure of those conversations about boundaries. so while you're worrying about getting yourself taken care of when you go out drinking or whatever, please be sure that other people are okay with taking care of you too. their boundaries and needs are just as important.

#pet peeve #not aro #alcohol mention #personal #one of my triggers is irresponsible drinkers #and drunks who just have a shit attitude when drunk #and people who make fun of people who don't drink

[blueprint-han]

[Image ID: A black picture with the title “HOW TO SUPPORT FANFICTION AUTHORS” written in bold caps lock, colored with a winter forest picture. End ID.]

Well, this post has been made countless times, but I’m making one too because I’ve seen a lot of people say they’re new to tumblr and don’t know the whole “reblogging is better than liking” rule and other stuff. So without any further ado, here are ways YOU can support the fanfiction authors. Now keep in mind this applies to almost every author out there, not just the stayblr fandom, so if you’re a silent reader (or even if you aren’t), I advise you go through this post. Warning, this is a fairly long post going into detail, so yeah. I still expect you, the readers to read this, and if you’re a writer, feel free to lmk if i’ve written smth wrong or if you want me to add something! ^^

In this post I’ll go into thorough analysis of the pros and cons of each of the methods listed here and how YOU as a reader can show the authors whose fics you read more love and motivate them to produce content.

WARNING; LONG POST! GOES INTO A DECENT AMOUNT OF DETAIL. NOT EDITED, EXCUSE ANY TYPOS.

#1 : LIKING !

I think this is basic common knowledge, and a lot of people tend to do this. When you like the post, the author sees it, you see it, and if the author has their liked posts accessible (which majority of the time they don’t), and if someone deliberately goes to check it, then they see it. See why so many authors say just liking does nothing? Only liking says “Hey, I’m gonna tell you your story is not that good by simply liking it and not sharing it with other people. :D”

♯ PROS:

You’re telling the author that you've read their fic, and either you’ve enjoyed it to a certain extent, or you’re just saving it to read for later.

Likes are seen by you, the author and anyone who has access to your likes (which, most people don’t).

♯ CONS:

If you ONLY like, you’re not really helping the author’s work reach a wide audience because this site isn’t Instagram. Reblogging is the only way people can SEE our works. I’ll cover more on that in the next section.

In a nutshell, liking is good! But you should most likely use it in a combination with the other stuff I’ve listed below, because just the like itself doesn’t really do much in giving the author any feedback or interaction on their fics.

To clear shit up; I’m not talking about those people who don’t read the story or appreciate it in the first place. I’m talking about those who appreciate the fic, like it, but don’t leave any sort of feedback to show that.

#2 : REBLOGGING !

This is SO, SO important. I cannot stress on this enough. Let me explain WHY so many writers stress on reblogging content: 

Tumblr’s tag system is inherently fucked up, and has grown more so over the year. I’m not kidding, at first, the fic either used to show up in the tags or it didn’t, but now, sometimes your fic can be REMOVED from the tags because of,,, idk tumblr tag shit. Anyways, as you can see, it’s very demotivating for authors at that point, because the major way for people to find their content and expand their blogs has been blocked.  

Due to this reason, tumblr authors need to RELY on you, their followers to help spread their works to a wider audience. Now again, before you get me wrong, I’m not saying you ae forced to rb our works regardless of whether you like them or not. BUT, that being said, if you DO infact like the story, there’s no harm in reblogging, right? By doing this you’re indirectly telling the author — “hey! :D I liked your fic! Which is why I am gonna share it to my followers so they can read it too :D” Trust me, you’re doing nothing but helping the people who produce content for you to read. Seems like a worthy cause to hit the reblog button, right? It’s only a one, or maximum two step procedure.

Leave tags in your reblogs! Trust me, as an author myself and as much as I know from all my author friends, we oft check the tags of your reblogs to see if you found any part amazing or even if you have anything to say about the writing we put so much hard work into. Even a key smash or a “This was so [insert adjective] 🥺” is enough to leave a smile on your authors face. 

♯ PROS :

You’re !! Sharing !! Your authors !! Works !! This leads to them getting more recognition, so for the content they’re so graciously providing for free, you’re promoting their blog and helping them expand it.

If the tags are being a shit, which majority of the time they are, then you’re literally making an author’s day by reblogging! You’re showing them that you, a follower and appreciator of their works are willingly sharing their content because it deserves to be seen by more people. Again before any dumb people decide to attack me, i am talking about people who like the fic but don't bother reblogging and are silent/ghost readers. I am not forcing anyone to read anybody’s work.

YOU’RE MAKING YOUR AUTHOR SO HAPPY WHAT MORE REASONS COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT !! 🥺

♯ CONS :

Literally none, because as far as I remember no author is against reblogging of their works. It’s quite literally the way this platform functions. Reblogging is IMPORTANT.

#3 : COMMENTING/SENDING FEEDBACK !

This kind of overlaps with the previous section, but THIS IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT STEP !! When you leave feedback, you are directly giving the author something so much more valuable to them than high follower/note counts or money. Your feedback is literally our serotonin. I kid you not the number of times I’ve received a positive comment and smiled and it has made my day. There’s a reason youtubers (though not the best example, bear with me here because it was the only one I could think of) ask people to subscribe, like and COMMENT. The subscription is like a follow, the like is ofc like a heart, and the comment is equivalent to an rb with comments in the tags. 

You might argue and tell me that a comment is basically like an ask so the reblogging step isn’t necessary, but I’m sure 99% of you use YouTube and you know that more comments leads to people’s videos boosted in the stream/trending charts. This is what reblogging does. Reblogging shares the piece with other people like minded, which leads to a boost in reads. You are literally helping your author grow.

It’s quite literally the same thing as youtubers. Youtubers NEED validation to keep their content creation going, so do writers, so do other ccs on this site. This post is however, focused on WRITERS, so keep that in mind.

♯ PROS :

By doing this, you’re giving author valuable feedback! It’s similar to what you do in rbing with tags. Interactivity with their fics boosts their note counts and helps expand their audience, so srsly, now think of it: your one comment is playing such a massive role to help ccs create more content.

Imagine how much of a difference the note counts will be in when every person who simply likes after reading the fic, reblogs, leaves a comment and sends an ask. the note counts would be high on each and every fic, which is validation in itself, but your comments would inspire the writer so much more! Please, don’t skip the commenting part. Even a simple one like: “this is so cute!” is wonderful. 

♯ CONS :

Remember, if you’re gonna give constructive criticism (which I’m sure you all are smart enough to know if different from hate), make sure the author is okay with it. Authors need to be in a specific mindset and must be ready to accept criticism, so if you’re gonna give constructive criticism to them when they’re at a low point, it may demotivate them.

Just commenting, instead of reblogging and commenting in the tags/ reblogging and then leaving an ask in their inbox, while it gives validation in plenty, will not lead to the author’s work being spread. Therefore I suggest either reblogging and commenting in the tags or reblog and then leave an ask, or comment under the fic!

!! reminder; I am not saying that if you don’t rb and just leave feedback, your feedback has no value. We authors truly appreciate every bit of feedback, but this post is aimed to help you learn how to interact with and support authors, and make them feel more motivated, because the current scenario of liking and scrolling is taking a toll on their creative abilities. Take it from a person who’s been writing for a year.

#4 : COMMSIONING VIA THEIR KO-FI/OTHER APPS !

Before any of you attack me, let me tell you that this is not a step that is 100% necessary to do. ONLY donate if you can and if you genuinely want to, and if anyone is forcing you to pay for something against your will, you need to get yourself out of there.

Regardless, if an author has a kofi and you’re able to and you want to donate, you definitely should! It’s also a valid form of support.

#5 : ADDING THEM ON REC LISTS/ RECOMMENDING THEM TO REC BLOGS

This is such an underrated option, to be honest. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen my fic was recommended onto some rec list and it’s made me smile so hard. If you like some fics, create a rec list! They’re oft very popular amongst the fans too. Making rec posts is such a great way to share your favorite stories with others. 

Rec blogs! I’ve seen a couple going around, and needless to say they are a great way to get someone else to read your favorite author’s work whilst also giving them your own feedback. These blogs oft accept recs via a form or ask box, and they leave your feedback along with their own, or else they’ll oft tag the author in the feedback post, so look! You’re basically helping your author share their fic to many more people, because you’ve given them feedback and a reblog.

♯ PROS :

Validation! Feedback! Reblogs! More exposure! Helping a blog grow! Spreading love! basically a run down of the stuff I’ve said before!

♯ CONS :

Literally no con of this. Unless, a one in a million case, this author says they don’t like receiving feedback/being tagged, and I’m sure NO person has said this before, at least none that I’ve heard of.

#6 : FINAL COMMENTS; MISC !

When an author points out about how the interactivity is drastically reducing, don’t just give them blind apologies. Yes, you feel sorry for not interacting as much, we understand, but rather show that you’ll become a better content consumer through your actions. We need to see that we’re not just throwing words into a void and that people are actually trying to be better content consumers. 

Understand the fact that authors don’t get paid for this, and 99% of the time, these authors don’t take commissions either. They’re giving you novel worthy writings for free. Take Percy Jackson: You think the author would have felt motivated to write the subsequent parts, let alone two whole series based off of it if literally no one showed that they were interested? Rick Riordan has sales, he is being paid, there are millions of people and big agencies who provide him feedback. Now take that huge amount and simmer it down to an audience of maybe 10000 people This is what fanfic authors want. They don’t want your money, nor are they telling you to risk your lives for them. All they want is, a reblog, some tags, some feedback, some INTERACTIVITY.  A sign that they aren’t throwing fics into the void and that people actually like them, some motivation to continue. Seems fairly easy to throw an rb with some tags, right?

Don’t bother to tell me that we do this for ourselves and we shouldn’t ask for likes and reblogs and feedback, because 1) you are consuming the content that we “write for ourselves” and 2) writers post their content here for interactivity and feedback. We could just not post and write and save our fics in our dungeon drafts for years. But we choose to post to entertain the readers, the consumers. And we aren’t even asking that much in return.

Don’t give me the whole “I’m scared that authors feel that comments are annoying” excuse either because seriously this has been DEBUNKED SO MANY TIMES. Istg, in the nicest way possible, if you still think writers are annoyed by interaction and feedback, after so many posts, long rants have been posted as to how we’re not, then you must truly be living under a rock. There, I said it. Please stop thinking this way, I’ll say it again, AUTHORS ARE NOT ANNOYED OF FEEDBACK, COMMENTS, TAGS, REBLOGS. WE LOVE IT. Saying this is like saying that the audience in a theatre play shouldn’t clap when the play ends because the actors would find it noisy. 🤡

I’ve seen some people saying they have anxiety issues and such, so pls note that I’m not invalidating your condition. If you’re trying to be more interactive, I really appreciate it! If you can’t, that’s fine too. You’re trying.

But for the people who have no reason other than feeling lazy to rb and comment, your lack of interactiveness is not excused. Please. Tumblr is a reblogging site. If you’re gonna consume content like authors are some sort of machines, I encourage you to go get some more perspective.

This site is not Instagram or the satan bird app. Your likes are appreciated but frankly speaking, they do nothing to the author except tell them “Hey i read ur fic but i'm not gonna support u :D” and honestly, that is detrimental to their creative capabilities and mental health. 

DON’T FOLLOW AN ACC JUST TO MINDLESS RB THEIR SIGNAL BOOST POSTS AND THEIR REBLOGS OF GIFS AND NOT INTERACT WITH THEIR WRITING AT ALL ! Trust me, authors prefer a lower amount of interactive followers than a high count that doesn’t even give them any feedback. Again your follows are appreciated, but when you’re following, you know the type of content the author creates, so the author expects that the more followers, the more interactivity. These days, this is just becoming the opposite. So don’t do it! If you’re gonna follow to read, interact with their works. I promise, this will make both you and the author happy. A win-win situation.

In conclusion: SUPPORT YOUR FUCKING AUTHORS! THEY ARE NOT MACHINES THAT HAVE NO FEELINGS TO PRODUCE CONTENT FOR YOU! FICS TAKE DAYS AND DAYS OF PLANNING, PLOTTING, OUTLINING, WRITING, EDITING, MAKING TEASERS. SO JUST SHOW THEM YOU APPRECIATE THEM WITH AN RB. IT’S THE L E A S T YOU CAN DO.

I will be liking this post here written by the lovely @chaninfused​ and @scriptura-delirus​ . Please take time to read it because if you weren’t convinced by my arguments, you will see how much frustration we as writers face on a daily basis. Please, just show support. Here is the post by @stayndays​ about how to get more people to read your work, because it also has a note on reblogging. Please educate yourself, and put an end to this mindless consuming culutre and bring up some interactivity.

If you’ve read this far, I want you to go to two of your favorite authors and leave some feedback in their inbox, and tag me in it (either tag me yourself or ask the author to do so, they won’t mind). Show your writers that our words are taking effect and you are becoming better consumers. I mean it. I’m serious. I want every single one who reads this post to do this. besides valid reasons, if you’re lazy to do this, you’re a part of the problem. PLEASE get more perspective.

Also, feel free to add to this post! I’d love to read your thoughts too, remember to be kind though. And, if I think your rb is somehow contradicting my points and is bringing down the reason I made this post, I will politely ask you to delete your comment, because this post is about being truthful about the harsh reality of tumblr consumers and how we can change it. I’m sure none of you will let it get to that point, though. <3 love you guys. 💓

And, just a reminder, don’t just blindly like this too. Do what I said before, and while I am not forcing you, I’d appreciate your reblog, because seriously, it took me 3 whole days to write this, plus, I’m sure this will help more of your followers understand the fault in consumer culture. haha, that’s it! This post was way too long uff.

also, this is ur cue to not be stupid in my inbox. You have something to say? Think I worded smth wrongly? I’m sure it wasn’t my intention to do so, point it out with manners. 

#skz smut #stray kids smut #skz fluff #stray kids fluff #skz angst #stray kids angst #skz imagines #stray kids imagines #bts imagines #day6 imagines #got7 imagines #enhypen imagines #nct imagines #ikon imagines #treasure imagines #dawn.txt #writers on tumblr #blackpink imagines #twice imagines #red velvet imagines #tagsplsworkaaa

[bimbonaparte]

daddy lessons (parenting in spn vs. being human)

I have not been able to stop thinking about this for weeks and it’s making me insane, so apologies to all but here we GO. McNair (Being Human UK) and John Winchester (Supernatural) both raised their sons to be weapons in a secret war and did unforgivable things in the process, but thanks to some key differences in their parenting approach, we get wildly different kids out of the equation. To recap the middle bit of the Venn diagram here, both fathers:

Dragged their kids around the country, raising them like soldiers to fight a supernatural enemy; it’s unclear when anybody’s first kills took place, to my knowledge, but we can safely say that they were at way too young an age

Weaponized the memory of a dead mother as an excuse for their crusade

Moved them around constantly and denied them almost any outside connections; by design, their whole world is wrapped up in each other

Raised their kids (Tom and Dean most successfully*) to have little identity outside of hunting and to be entirely beholden to the cause, leading to a very upsetting self-sacrificial streak

Demanded military-esque obedience; some questions may be allowed here and there, but ultimately dad is the superior officer and it’s his call

Lied repeatedly to their kids “for their own good” and kept them on a need-to-know-basis, even for stuff that they REALLY needed to know

*(I’m generally focusing on Dean & Tom in this analysis, since I think Sam escaped some of this by rebelling against the notion of a “good son”)

Hell, they even had similar deaths (i.e., made the decision to keep their kids in the dark -- rather than, say, explaining anything or asking for help -- and walk into a confrontation with an old enemy that they knew they wouldn’t survive). But despite all this overlap, we end up with two wildly different characters: jaded & emotionally volatile Dean, who drinks & throws punches to cope with feelings and performs toughness as if there’s a panel of judges in the corner at all times; and sincere & emotionally vulnerable Tom, who is also quick to throw a punch but who talks about his feelings, cries easily, and is totally unconcerned with whether or not he’s perceived as tough or masculine. I literally can’t stop thinking about it.

If you ask me, the two diverge thanks to some key differences between the McNair and John Winchester school of parenting. Despite the NUMEROUS mistakes McNair made in Tom’s upbringing, we have to give credit where credit is due:

McNair loved Tom. Unequivocally. Thought he was the best person to ever exist. Told him this daily. Told any given random stranger who stood still long enough in Tom’s general proximity. Reinforced it with physical affection and affirmation. Tom never had cause to doubt this for even a second during his entire upbringing, and it shows.

McNair must have realized at some point that Tom was different, that his take on the world was always going to be a little bit naive. Instead of trying to change this or toughen him up “for his own good” (which I can very much imagine being the John Winchester approach), McNair seems to have thoroughly embraced this aspect of Tom’s nature.

Part of that is expressed through the "code.” McNair raised Tom to live by a strict code geared towards a) survival as nomad werewolf vampire hunters, and b) survival as Tom, specifically, who has incredible physical aptitude but struggles with other kinds of learning & social cues. The code has its downsides (namely the unquestioning obedience bit mentioned above), but otherwise functions as a sort of framework that Tom can follow for navigating the societal rules & interactions he doesn’t fully understand. (There’s also the whole “teaching Tom to respect others” thing, which I could honestly write an entire dissertation on).

Beyond the rules McNair thinks they need to survive, however, McNair seems to delight in Tom simply being Tom. This shines through most with Tom’s disarming sincerity -- which he retains largely because McNair (and society at large) never tried to train or polish it out of him. There are a dozen examples where Tom cuts through layers of conversational propriety and is just genuine, because it doesn’t occur to him to be otherwise. Where other characters (like Hal) can’t help laughing at him at least a little, we see McNair take him seriously, respond with encouragement, and even match his sincerity (see: “You’re perfect”) despite the fact that McNair was raised in a society that would frown on men talking like this to their grown sons.

We therefore end up with a Tom who earnestly says things like “virginity is like a flower” with zero self-consciousness. Who would have come along to tell him men don’t talk about sex like this? McNair certainly wouldn’t have; his top priority throughout is supporting Tom as-is, not molding his personality into some idea of what a man is or should be.

The end result of all this is a very sweet, very straightforward, emotionally vulnerable killing machine. “Always be polite and kind and have the materials to build a bomb,” indeed. Tom is obsessed later on with being “a success” in a very performative way, but -- as all the characters around him repeatedly remind him -- this is not something that McNair ever cared about or put on him.

What I would love to do next is a) also acknowledge the incredibly profound ways that McNair wronged Tom (starting with killing his parents, which cannot be glossed over) and how this fucked him up; b) contrast all this with the John Winchester approach to raising child soldiers (SIGH) to see how it is that we ended up Dean; and c) look at Dean and Tom’s perception of their respective fathers. BUT. I unfortunately have to go do actual work stuff or I am gonna be in big trouble (plus this is getting LONG), so I’m gonna be revisiting this another time. In conclusion tho: Tom McNair fascinates me beyond measure, I cannot get over this, and I do not want to. TBC.

#being human uk #supernatural #meta #i'm so sorry this is SO niche #but i just love them so much #dean winchester #tom mcnair #john winchester #john winchester's A+ parenting #can't wait until i hyperfixate on something else but in the meantime this is what you get #tried to add gifs to this but i don't know howwwwww :(

[dead-dove-enma]

Please seek therapy and do some research about how fiction affects reality. Before you tell me to educate myself, I've tried to understand proship and I've thoroughly listened to y'alls side for years but no matter what way you go about it it's just harmful. Even as a coping mechanism. You shouldn't be okay with adults being in a relationship with children, even in fiction. I don't mean this as hate and I get a lot of antis are rude and hateful as fuck (I don't associate with them) but please consider at least opening up to the possibility of changing. Have a good day

Don't worry, your wording doesn't really come across that way, but me shipping an adult and a child (rather, two fictional characters with arbitrary ages) just really isn't comparable to real, heinous adult/child relationships that shouldn't exist. By shipping these characters, I'm not in any way support this in an irl context. Amine moe blobs and teenagers built like massive trucks aren't comparable to real people, and therefore don't mean anything I will have you know, I have been to therapy-like sessions. I'm far too poor to go to a real therapist with weekly sessions (and as a minor with no job, and parents who are barely scrapping by, can also in no way afford even with family help), but I have been to many sessions at my school due to my autism, hosted by staff who all fully supported my love for creating dark fiction in art and other mediums. An author writing about dark topics isn't a bad person for portraying those dark topics. These stories and exploring every possible aspect, not just problematic content, make me extremely happy, and from day one, fascinating problematic shipping dynamics fascinated me as a young creative, all the way back at the age of six. I'm not saying fiction is in a vacuum and cannot reflect reality in any way. Shakespeare is still taught in schools today, but do you know what else is taught in schools? Unbastardized greek mythology, mythology in which is full of incest, with the majority of gods being related to Zeus in some capacity. Books like Farenheit 451 that warn about the destrcution and erasure of fiction and history books, how this literature is extremely important and shouldn't be thrown aside. Being told to die over lines on paper is not going to make me change. While you are being kind in your ask, it does not change the fact that I'm not going to censor myself because of others. From the very beginning, I know the difference between fiction and a real person being hurt. Anime was always my special interest, and exploring all these dark medias that I just couldn't quite get from live action series in america, which often contained realistic looking blood that made me queasy. Ultimately, If I had to hide the fact that I loved things? Something I had to do for a long time in my elementary school because I was bullied for watching anime? I would be miserable. Absolutely, fucking miserable. I am so insanely happy, sharing my interesting shipping dynamics with friends, or chatting with my boyfriend about the dark fanfiction I write, about the shows I've loved since my childhood, or have grown to love just a year or two ago You would have to pry the media and stories I've loved since I was a child from my cold, dead hands. Sincerely, Knight

#proship #anti anti #serious post #shipping discussion #you are free to reblog and add despite the serious nature #i feel it was important to share

[thebeebi]

your little games pt. 13

pairing: Jungkook x reader

warnings: fluff in later chapters, smut, non-con, mention of r*pe attempt, implied murder and many more! Read only if you are okay with these topics!

genre: historical AU, 18th century?

word count: 4.2k+ [part 13]

a/n: Hello there my wonderful readers. I hope you are having a great day / evening / night. I am sorry for posting late again. I guess I will have to change the upload time to a later hour. I hope you will like this chapter. Please let me know if you did! ♥ Love you

taglist: @njrwifey @danietoww04  @kaithezaftig @she-is-dreaming @dreamybellatrixanvm​​  @iwondermypurpose​   [If you want to be added, just let me know :)]

You ran away from the man who tried to take an advantage of you. You stabbed him and escaped. Escaped to the arms of the handsome captain who was even worse than the man you just killed.

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Part 5 // Part 6 // Part 7 // Part 8 // Part 9 // Part 10 // Part 11 // Part 12

On the way back, Jungkook did not say a word to you. He was frowning and you could see him clenching his teeth. When you arrived at the tavern, he swiftly helped you get down of the carriage. The sounds coming from the tavern were loud even outside but once you entered it, you could not hear even yourself if you said any word. The drunk sailors were singing and the prostitutes were stroking their thighs wishing for someone to warm their bed.  While you were making your way towards the room, one drunkard decided to approach but you but when he was Jungkook staring at him with a cold, warning expression he halted his mission and sat back on the chair. Without any other problems, you finally got to the room. Jungkook walked towards the window turning his back away from you saying. “See that? It is yours, You can put there all of your clothes.” He said coldly without even turning, yet he pointed at the beautiful chest that was decorated with oriental ornaments.

When you took off the cloak he gave you, you lit up the candle because it was starting to get darker due to the sunset. You were honestly surprised to see the dinner on the table once the room lit up but you were glad about it. Trying on the dresses was more tiring than you expected. You placed your cloak near the door and then made your way towards the table again to look at the delicacies. A soft knock on the door pulled you back from the fantasy of tasting it just by looking. Jungkook invited the person in and you saw Jimin’s figure in the doorframe.  “If there anything I can do for you, sir?“ Asked Jimin and Jungkook shook his head. With that Jimin nodded and closed the door again. The rumbling of the stomach decided for you that it was the time to eat. After all, you are not feeding only yourself but a little baby growing inside of you. You started putting on your plate different kinds of meat with vegetables. When you were done, you tried to open the bottle of wine. You did not notice that Jungkook was watching you over his shoulder. He sighed and walked towards you to grab the bottle and opened it with a swift pull. Then he poured wine into the glasses placed on the table. “Can we eat Jungkook? I am really hungry.” You placed your hand on your stomach when it growled in embarrassment.

Jungkook pulled the chair for you without saying a word. When you sat down, his eyes looked lower at the luring side of your neck. It was difficult to hold himself back. He kept on squeezing the backrest of the chair so hard, his knuckled turned white. He stood there for a bit even after you sat down but then he exhaled deeply and walked towards his chair to sit down. He gulped the glass of wine like it was water and bit into a piece of bread, not really feeling hungry. You on the other hand were almost choking on the food due to hunger. Jungkook barely touched anything else than his glass, that he was always refilling after oneshotting it. You finished eating in silence while Jungkook was still fighting with his problem you did not know about. You stood up and walked towards the chest, opened it and placed most of the dresses you had from before inside. You pulled out a beautiful satin scarf Jungkook bought you and rubbed it on your cheek smiling, not knowing that Jungkook also stood up and walked towards you while watching your every more. He leaned in and pushed a strand of the fallen hair behind your ear. In his eyes, you could see a strange look – something between pain and happiness and it looked like he wanted to tell you something but could not find the right words. He clenched his teeth as he started frowning even more. He pulled away from you and run to the other side of the room, walking back and forth like a tiger. You were watching him confused but when he spoke up, this rough tone surprised you that much you gasped.

“For fuck sake, Y/N, you need to learn something about the men. I just can’t…” He stopped himself from continuing and turned to you. In the light of the candle, you could see that his cheek was twitching in anger. You were waiting for him to continue but when he did not, you folded all of your dresses and put them inside of the chest. Jungkook walked towards the table once again and grabbed the bottle, drinking it without bothering to use the glass. After he found out the bottle was empty, he slammed it again the table and cursed. You did not expect him to be so aggressive and the shock caused you to prick your finger on the needle you were putting away. You sat down on the bed and sucked on the pricked finger while he pulled the chair close to you and then he sat down in front of the bed. You stopped moving and looked at him. For a bit he was looking for the right words then he placed his hands on your knees trying to smooth out the skirt of your dress. “Little one,” He started slowly. “The journey to my hometown is going to be long. We will spend more time together and it is going to be in even smaller room than is this one. We will sleep in a smaller bed. It is going to be cold on the ship and it will be uncomfortable and you might feel not as nice, mostly because you are going to be the only woman on the deck. You will not be able to move around freely on the deck nor even walk away from me or from the cabin. It would be too dangerous for you. Well, what I am trying to say, Y/N,… when sailors are too long on the sea, they cannot look at the woman without being” He stopped for a second. “Without being aroused. And if it would repeat more times, they would be obsessed.” He was looking into your eyes, trying to see if you understood everything he said. You were looking at him nodding the whole time, but Jungkook knew you were not counting him as a sailor he was talking about. He sighed and continued. “Y/N, if a man is looking at the beautiful woman and he is close to her, without being able to relieve all of his needs, he will feel enormous desire to make love with her. If he cannot do that, it is almost unbearable. He has to…” It looked like he could not finish his sentence. You bit your lower lip grabbing the hem of your dress shyly.  “I will stay in the cabin, for as long as you want me to, Jungkook.” You whispered looking down at your hands. “I will try my best not to get in anyone’s way.“

Jungkook internally cursed at himself for not making it clear to you. “Oh God, Y/N,” he said irritated and stood up from the chair. “I am trying to tell you that,… that it is going to be a long way back without…without,” he clenched his teeth. “You will have to let me make lov-“ He almost finished it but then he exhaled and looked away. He could not finish his sentence, his pride won once again and while swearing he threw the chair to the opposite side of the room and run to the door. “Don’t go out of the room,” He said looking at you from above his shoulder. “Jimin is going to be here, he will make sure you are alright.” With that, he swiftly opened the door and cursing run out from there. You were stunned, not able to process what just happened.

After Jungkook barked at him all commands he disappeared and Jimin came inside to take all of the dishes from the dinner you had a little while ago. You looked at the man. “Jungkook didn’t tell you when is he coming back?” Jimin shook his head. “No, madam” He was about to leave but then he turned to you. “May I say something?” You smiled and nodded wanting to hear what he is going to say. “Captain is a good man. Sometimes he is acting strangely but if you wait it out, he is going to come back to his usual self. Please, be patient, madam. He is a rough man but a good one.” Jimin felt embarrassed, surprised by his own statement. You smiled and thanked the man softly. Jimin smiled back and when he was about to leave he turned once again to you. “Do you wish for warm water for the bath as always, madam?” You nodded once again smiling. “Yes Jimin, as always.”

You slowly woke up from sleep. Jungkook was once again in the room. You moved underneath the blanket and blinked a few times to drive away the sleep. It was almost sunrise and the room was not as dark. You looked to the door where was Jungkook leaning onto the door, trying to support himself while he was staring at you. His eyes were red, the ribbon undone and his coat was off his right shoulder. The corners of his lips raised in amusement, as if he was laughing at himself. “Jungkook?” You gasped. “What happened to you?” You never thought about this situation. He was drunk so much that he was swaying from side to side like a feather. He walked towards you and your nose was met with a smell of strong liquor and a cheap fragrance.

“You selfish woman.” He grinned at you. “With your big boobs and huge ass, you are seducing a man even while you are sleeping.” He raised his hand and suddenly pushed everything off the nightstand. You backed away on the bed scared of what he might do. “Oh fuck all of the naïve, pure, innocent virgins out there.” He spat out in anger. “You are all the same, you all bleed. At first, you seduce a man so he would lose his mind and then he is not even to sleep with any other woman out there. You take away the pride from him and then you walk in front of him just to show him that he cannot have you.” When he started swaying again, he quickly hugged the pillar of the bed to support himself. Then he made a huge gesture as if introducing you to the world. “And now in front of me is sitting the queen of all virgins on her ice throne. But what about me? I played the game and I won it but now that I have her at home and I cannot touch her.” He hugged the pillar with both hands rubbing his forehead into it as if trying to get rid of some pain. “Oh my wife, why did God not make you skinny and ugly, then it would be easier to ignore you as you wish. But out of all women in this town, the weak stupid me chose you, the most beautiful woman who is luring all men. But you are not considering me to be a man but some kind of old fart who is not able to do anything to you. You are playing with me, you are showing your body to me expecting I would not feel anything. Oh God, woman. Do you think I have no feelings, no needs? I would be able to buy more love from the prostitute than I would get from you.” He leaned in closer to you, looking straight into your eyes. “But I am going to teach you, little one.” He spat out pointing at you. “I am going to take you whenever and wherever I want from now on.” He was eating you with his eyes. “Fuck that, I am going to take you now.”

He jumped on the bed with arms stretched out so he could grab you around your middle. You screamed trying to get away from him. You got out of the bed, your nightgown flowing after you. You could hear the ripping sound of fabric and Jungkook looked down at his hand realising it is from your sleepwear. Then he quickly looked at you, absorbing the beautiful curves of your body. He smirked trying to help himself up but then the alcohol effect made him fall back down. He let go of the material in his hand and passed out of drunkenness. His eyes were closed and he started breathing calmly. You walked towards him warily, poking into his ankle. “Jungkook?” You asked unsurely.

He did not move nor opened his eyes. You sighed and put his hand back that was poking out of the bed back, so he would not hurt himself. You wanted to move him but was aware that he was too heavy for you to do so. The only option you could do was to ask Jimin to help you. You made your way towards the door and opened it, walking to the opposite door of yours. You knocked and opened the door. “Jimin?” You asked. “Oh my God, madam. What are you doing here?” You pulled your nightgown closer to yourself trying to hide it being ripped. “Could you please come to our room, Jimin?” You asked quietly. Without further questions, Jimin nodded and followed you to your room.

Once Jimin left with wishing of good morning, you sat down on the chair staring at Jungkook who was sleeping like a baby. “You horny idiot. You come to me after going around the town looking for a quick fuck and then you make me look like the bad one who is doing everything on purpose.” When Jungkook did not move nor answered, you became bolder. “Now you are cursing at every virgin but before you were happy when you could have me.” You stood up from the chair frustrated. “What does he take me for? Does he think that I will wait for him to snap his fingers, so I could fulfil his every desire? Does he think I am going to be blindly in love with him and be willing to spend my whole life fulfilling each of his desires?” You made your way to the bed to look at Jungkook, while he is not reacting to any of your words. “You freaking idiot. I am a woman. What I had, I saved it for a man who I would choose to be my husband but you stole it from me. I am a living human being and I have my pride too!” You spat out and turned away from him and went to sit on the chair again. You covered yourself with a blanket you took from the bed and tried to sleep for a little bit more.

It was almost lunchtime when Jungkook woke up. You were sitting in the chair, doing stitching work when you heard first of many groans. He held his messy hair and head with both hands as if it was too heavy for his long neck. With the corner of his eyes, he saw you and quickly gave you instructions. “Give me the bathrobe.” You put away the material on which you were stitching a flower ornament and walked to Jungkook, to hand him the bathrobe. You wanted to help him, but he pushed your hands away and stood up. “Until I come back, have everything ready for my bath.” He spat out. “And made it hot because if not, I am going to slap your little butt.” When he closed the door, you smiled knowing that he was feeling really bad but you quickly gave orders to Jimin, knowing that it would be better not to test his patience. When Jungkook came back, he was even paler but his walk looked a bit lighter than before. He took off his clothes and sat in the tub. He was sitting in the bath for a long time, eyes closed and his head was leaning on the edge of the tub. Someone knocked on the door and you could see Jungkook’s cheek twitch.

“Stop kicking the door!“ He shouted and then continued more quietly. “And enter if you must.” Jimin tiptoed inside and brought a glass of brandy to his captain. He exchanged a knowing look with you, to find out how you were dealing with the situation. He knew you were a strong woman so he was glad you were dealing with it very well. He handed the glass to his captain and he disappeared once again. Jungkook gulped the first half of the liquor and sighed feeling the tension in his body ease up a little. You grabbed a sponge and a soap, ready to help Jungkook wash up just as you used to. You were about to touch his body but he shouted at you. “ Get out, you fucking woman. Disappear from my sight. I can do it myself.” You stepped back dropping the sponge and soap into the tub. You made your way towards the door and opened them before Jungkook noted, being amused. “Where are you going like that?” With your hand, you first reached for your shoulders then to your back. You almost forgot you are half-naked but your pride did not let you lose. “I am going downstairs and ask Jimin to button them up for me.” You answered boldly. You closed the door behind yourself before Jungkook could respond anything. By a coincidence, a maid was passing you by and you asked her to button up your dress. You could hear that Jungkook was not satisfied with your answer as he was swearing loudly.

You went downstairs and ordered a cup of tea for yourself. Soon enough Jungkook joined you. He waited till the server left the table before he started. “If you don’t want me to bend you over my knee, pull up your shirt and slap your naked butt, I suggest you not to provoke me.” You looked at him innocently, not knowing what made him so mad. “What is the cause of your desire to punish your wife, who is carrying your child?” You could see him clenching his teeth. “Y/N,” he tried to calm himself. “Don’t tease me. You know I have no mood for any jokes.” You gulped dryly. Seeing the twitch of his cheek, you stopped from questioning any further. You knew it meant danger.

It was the last evening of your stay in your hometown and you were well aware of that. Jungkook was the whole day in the docks taking care of the ship and when he finally came back, he found you sitting in the tub. Jungkook stood still in the door. He was watching the precious moment of you taking a bath with him inside the room. To him, it was such a domestic scene and was not happy when you noticed him and started lean forward in the tub, trying to cover yourself. To Jungkook, it was a beautiful sight, the most beautiful he saw that day.

Jungkook walked towards you and leaned in as if wanting to kiss you. “Good evening, little one.” He whispered. It surprised you how gentle he was. You felt like you were in the trap in the tub. You submerged yourself deeper trying to smile at him, but the smile was uncertain. Jungkook laughed at your attempt to smile and he grabbed the soap from the table and let it fall into the tub in front of your face, causing it to splash the water on you. “Wipe your face, little one.” He handed you the towel. “It is wet.” You swiftly pulled the towel from his hand and pushed it to your eyes. “You! You!” You tried to start but could not find the fitting words.

“Just enjoy the bath, little one.” He continued more seriously. “It is most likely you will not be able to enjoy it in the near future.” You quickly turned to him with eyes wide open thinking it was a new method of how to make you behave. “No, Jungkook. Please. I don’t have many things I enjoy in my life and this one is so dear to me.” You were looking at him, pleading for him to change his mind. “Jungkook, please. Don’t take it from me. I love taking baths, please…” You bit your lower lip that was trembling and looked down. Jungkook stopped smirking and walked closer towards the tub. He grabbed the edge with both hands and kept on looking at you. You were sitting sadly as if you were a small child being scolded. Jungkook started again, but his voice was more gentle. “You are really unfair to me, Y/N, when you think I would take away something you enjoy so much. I just wanted to tell you that tomorrow we are leaving.” You quickly looked up into his eyes and the light of the candle shined at your bust. “Oh, Jungkook. I didn’t know. I am sorry.” You whispered. “It was really mean of me to accuse you of something like that.” You stopped talking once you noticed he was no longer looking into your eyes but his eyes travelled southern. His lips were pale and you could see that his cheek was twitching while looking at you. You blushed mumbling something and then you pulled the huge sponge to cover your showing bust. Jungkook suddenly turned away and walked towards the window. Staring into the distance.

You thought it was just minutes ago when you fell asleep but Jungkook was already waking you up, handing you the dress. It was still too early in the morning but you were supposed to leave today, so it was never too early to go on the board. When you arrived on Bangtan, Mrs Dubois was already there waiting for you with all of the dresses that she prepared. When she showed Jungkook everything and he nodded in satisfaction, he opened the chest with the money. Mrs Dubois looked over his shoulder and gasped when she saw the amount of gold he had there. Jungkook looked at her raising his right eyebrow. Mrs Dubois returned to her place on the other side of the table and Jungkook continued with counting the money.

The dressmaker was looking at you, as you were placing all of the dresses she brought on the ship to the chest Jungkook got you a few days ago. Then she turned to Jungkook and with a calculative look, she smiled at him. “Will madam come with you next year again?” Jungkook shook his head. “No.” Mrs Dubois smiled slyly and run her fingers through her hair. “When you come back, will you get the new dresses in my shop again, monsieur? I will be happy to design some dresses for madam.” She softly touched the hem of her dress near the showing bust trying to be seductive. “My service will be available to you anytime, monsieur.”

You heard the last sentence and saw how she was looking at Jungkook. You tried not to be bothered so you returned back to packing the dresses. Jungkook scoffed at what Mrs Dubois said. He looked up and her coldly, then his eyes looked her up and down as if measuring and judging her. His eyes lingered longer on her bust then looked back at the money in the chest, counting again. Without looking away, Jungkook started. “I think you did not understand, madam. I am not coming back. This is the last one of my travels.” The dressmaker stepped back meanwhile Jungkook handed her the bag of golden coins. Mrs Dubois did not count them, she quickly turned away and left the ship without saying a word.

After a tiring day, it was finally a calm evening with the water surface being as smooth as a table. The sun set down and you were standing next to Jungkook once he commanded his crew. “Anchor up! We are leaving!” Soon enough you could no longer see the light of your hometown. You kept looking at the mainland in the distance until you heard a sailor shouting. “Bye mainland!” With that, you sighed knowing it was the last time in your hometown. Soon you have to start a new life somewhere else.

When both of you returned to the cabin you shared, Jungkook started explaining to you while you sat down on the small bed. “The deck belongs to the sailors until the early morning, Y/N. If you were to go out too early, you might see something that would make you blush. I advise you to stay inside until lunchtime.” You kept nodding at his commands understanding that this was how you were going to live for the next few weeks. “Oh, and you are not allowed to go below deck.” He added. “It belongs to the crew. They have their beds there and spend their time there and you are a sweet temptation for men on the long voyage. I don’t want to kill anyone just because he forgot that you belong to me. That is why you are not going there nor are you going to be in their way.” You nodded once again and sighed, nothing to yourself.This is how it is going to be, for now. I have to be strong.

Chapter 14

a/n: Babiessss we are finally moving from Y/N’s hometown to the ocean. o.o ♥ And after that we will see where Jungkook is from. WHO IS READY?!?!?!?

#bts smut #jungkook #bts #jungkook fics #yandere #jeon jungkook #bts yandere #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #jungkook x oc #bts fanfics #bts scenarios #bts imagines #bangtan #fanfiction #smut #bts fanfiction #yandere jungkook #jungkook smut #your little games series

[kyouxa]

Diabolik lovers Chaos Lineage: Subaru Sakamaki (Story 11)

In terms of the gameplay: The black choices lead up to a bad ending, the white choices lead up to a good ending. Please no reposting onto other sites, ask me before translating this into another language too! If you enjoy these translations, please consider supporting me on ko-fi.

Monologue

While being held by Subaru-kun, we escaped from the Scarlet mansion together.

I entangled my fingers strongly with his, this way, I’d never be able to let go of his hand.

And while I did so, Subaru-kun strongly clasped my hand as a response to my action.

Both of us couldn’t do anything else but run for our lives.

We tried finding a place to hide in, even though there wasn’t any place for us to go.

Place: Outside — Abandoned house

Subaru: What’s this?

Yui: Seems as if there’s an abandoned house even in a place like this.

Subaru: I wish we came here earlier. I’ll let you down.

Yui: Yes, thank you.

*Subaru lets Yui down*

Subaru: ...There seems to be no sign of any familiars around here either. But we can’t let our guard down.

Yui: That’s a relief for now. Would you like to go inside and take a rest then? I’m still worried about your injury.

Subaru: ...It might be best not to enter the house instantly.

Yui: Why is that?

Subaru: We couldn’t escape in case of emergency. Plus, we don’t mean to stay here forever anyway.

Not only Scarlet and Orange are after us, Violet is also still aiming for us.

We should try to find a safer place instead of getting ourselves into this run-down shabby house...

Yui: …..

Subaru: Heh, how funny. I really can’t trust anyone anymore here. It doesn’t even matter if it’s any of my brothers or not.

Everyone is looking for me because they want to snatch Eve away from me.

But they can bring it on if they dare. I don’t need to borrow anyone’s strength to protect my precious girlfriend.

Yui: I hope this never happens though! It’s not a bad thing to rely on other people after all. But during times like those I understand how hard it is to trust others...

Subaru: ...Guess so.

Yui: (Neither of us can trust anyone besides ourselves… but it’s only natural that he’s frustrated after Reiji-san betrayed us like he did, right?)

What should we do about your injury, Subaru-kun? The wound opened itself again a while ago, right?

Subaru: Don’t worry about it, I’m fine.

Yui: Please, Subaru-kun. Don’t try to act tough in front of me.

I’m afraid it will get even more messed up because you’re holding the pain in just to have me not worry about you.

Subaru: You…

Choices

1) I can’t see the future (black)

2) It’s because I like Subaru-kun (white) ♡ ♡ ♡

— I can’t see the future

Yui: We’re forced to get chased by everyone without even knowing why this is happening to the both of us...

I’m just worried because I can’t look into the future. I can’t help but wonder how long we’ll have to continue living like this...

Subaru: I didn’t mean to worry you, sorry.

Yui: No! You’re wrong! I’m not saying this is your fault or anything, Subaru-kun… !

I’m sorry, Subaru-kun. While I’m whining about all the things I just said, you’re relying on me more than ever.

It’s just hard for me to see you get even more hurt than you already are...

— It’s because I like Subaru-kun ♡

Subaru: I told you already, I’m fine. I’m a vampire, so this won’t be a big bother to me.

Yui: You might act as if it’s not bothering you, but it does bother me...

I really like you a lot, Subaru-kun. Therefore, I hate it when people I like are going through hard times by themselves.

I know I don’t have the same approximate strength as you do, but as much as you want to protect me...

I want to protect you as well.

Subaru: Does it really bother you that much?

end Choices

Yui: Hey, Subaru-kun. Be honest with me, would you be happier if I wasn’t here with you and the injury never happened?

Subaru: Hah? What are you talking about so suddenly?

*Yui starts crying*

Yui: You’re still injured because of me, and you have to force yourself to run away from everyone and everything due to me being with you.

...Maybe without me you could’ve stayed at Carla or even Reiji-san’s mansion.

Speaking of that, if I ended up cooperating as Eve, maybe someone would end up helping—

Subaru: Don’t say stupid shit!

Yui: Subaru-kun…

Subaru: You can’t decide these things on your own like that! Do you really think you’ll rescue everyone if you selfishly give yourself to them!? Hah!?

You’re still seen as a saint woman here, you know. So don’t play around with that!

Yui: I didn’t mean it like that...

Subaru: I said it so many times already though! No matter what you are in this world, I need you to be safe and sound!

*grabs Yui*

Subaru: Fuck, why won’t you get it!? I’ve already prepared myself to be with you from the start, okay!?

Yui: ….. !?

Subaru: It doesn’t matter to me what might happen to my body. I don’t want to give you to anyone else, even if things will go wrong…

*Subaru gets closer*

Yui: Subaru-kun…

Subaru: I don’t ever want to lose the feeling of holding you in my arms like I do right now… !

That’s why… ouch...

Yui: ...Ah, your injury… are you okay? Don’t overwork yourself.

(After all, his face does look as if he's in pain. You’re acting strong, but the wound actually does hurt you a lot, doesn’t it?)

(And despite that, he’s trying his hardest not to make me worry about him…)

Subaru: Shit, I just hugged you but it already started hurting so much… Ngh

I can’t do anything with this injury. I doubt I could even fight any of them in my current conditions… !

Yui: (I’m so sorry, Subaru-kun… after all, without me—)

Subaru: What do I do!?

*lightning strikes*

Subaru: What was that light just now!?

What’s going on?

???: …..

Yui: A glowing… ball?

Subaru: What’s with this ball? Looks like the odd things strike yet again...

Socrates: My name is Socrates—

Subaru: Damn! That thing talked! Yui, stay behind me!

Socrates: What heroic actions indeed. So you really are protecting Eve despite your whole body continuously suffering from your injury.

It appears as if we have hit an interesting phase in our experiment. I could not possibly miss this opportunity.

Subaru: Experiment… ?

Yui: What do you mean by that exactly? And who even are you?

Socrates: You do not need to know me. But let’s say that I am the specific reason why you are participants of this world.

Yui: (So this thing knows about this world…)

Um, why are both of us expected to be here to begin with? And where are we right now!?

Socrates: This place is a closed world created with magical power. You can imagine it like a miniature garden.

And as long as you are staying in this garden, neither of your memories were supposed to ever come back.

Subaru: As long as we’re in this garden? Does that mean...

Socrates: Exactly. If you can find a way to get out of this garden, everything will return back to its normality. The changed memory will return to their usual state as well.

However, I did indeed notice both of you had their memory returned without my interfering.

It seemed as this took place due to a sudden shock situation the both of you found yourselves in.

It could have also happened because of my extreme inadequacy. Let’s try to use this as a reference to what happened in the future.

Subaru: In the future… stop bullshitting me.

Spit it out, bastard! If you know this much, then it was you who trapped us here, right!?

What the fuck is the purpose of this entire shit anyway!?

Socrates: …..

Subaru: Tch… don’t shut up now!

*Subaru tries hitting Socrates*

Subaru: ...Nn, what… ?

Yui: Subaru-kun’s fist didn’t hit it...

Socrates: Such attacks are utterly useless. You cannot even touch me, I hope you realized that.

If you truly wish to go fight against something, go against this world itself, not me.

Subaru: Hah?

Socrates: This miniature garden is designed to break easily if it’s confronted with certain conditions.

Yui: (I’m glad to hear that. So there is a way to escape from here!)

Can you tell us about those certain conditions?

Socrates: The condition for this outcome is that one person in this garden has to sacrifice themselves for the other players.

Yui: Sacrifice… ?

Socrates: Any method for this matter will do. They merely have to end their own life.

Yui: Ending their life, you say...

Subaru: ...Don’t spread bullshit around! Are you telling us to kill ourselves here or what!?

Socrates: Not everyone has to die. In the end, only one has to sacrifice its life.

If there will be a player killing themselves instead of being killed by somebody, the experiment can no longer continue and the garden will be destroyed.

Subaru: Even so, we can’t do that!

Socrates: Well then, you should simply continue being trapped in this garden where time has stopped.

Nevertheless, it does not matter. I will now continue to watch attentively over the fate both of you will choose in the future.

*Socrates disappears*

Yui: Ah, it disappeared.

Subaru: Hey! Shit, come back!! We weren’t done talking yet!

Yui: Socrates-san! Why would you think and carry out such a cruel plan!?

Why do these brothers have to fight each other and even try to kill one another for this… ?

(We finally understand how this world works, but we can’t possibly do something as horrible as that… !)

(If nobody in this world will commit suicide, nobody will end up being saved)

(It might be ridiculous to accept what that glowing ball said without being able to question it…)

(But if there’s really no other way out here, should we really try this method… ?)

Subaru: Kch…

Yui: (Subaru-kun seems really worried about this too)

(No wonder. You can’t force someone to kill or even commit suicide to escape so suddenly like that…)

(I wonder, is there any other way we could try? There has to be a way to break free from this garden and for everyone to return there safely…)

#Diabolik Lovers #diabolik lovers translation #diabolik lovers subaru #sakamaki subaru #Subaru Sakamaki #chaos lineage translation #chaos lineage #diabolik lovers chaos lineage #diabolik lovers chaos lineage translation #subaru sakamaki chaos lineage #subaru sakamaki chaos lineage translation #translation #Diabolik Lovers game

[jinkicake]

Love You Like I Can

Hinata, Kenma, Tendou when their darling finally breaks up with their s/o.

Hinata Shouyou x Reader

Kozume Kenma x Reader

Tendou Satori x Reader

Anon, I apologize, I kinda branched off into something much darker than you maybe intended,,,,,, I couldn’t help myself/still can’t believe I wrote this LOL........ For those wondering what my Feitan writings are like, it is like this but much worse,,,,, sigh. Also! Please let me know if I forgot to tag a tw, I think I got it all,,,,

SMUT // NSFW

TW : heavy implications of yandere themes, stalking, kidnapping, sadistic/masochist behavior, dubcon (kinda),,, 

Take this into consideration before you read ^^^

WC- 2,171

~~~

Hinata Shouyou

Do you know Yoosung from Mystic Messenger,,,, LOL I think you guys know where I am going with this,,, Yoosung is the same type of yandere that Hinata would be like…. In this situation/in my mind

Hinata is so sweet and pure that it almost seems unreal for him to be possessive and protective,,,, not to mention obsessive and controlling,,,, so you never see it coming

Pls, if he sees you talking to any guy that isn’t him ,,,,, or any person even,,,, I think he would get really riled up 

He’d want to be with you always and be the only one that you’re thinking about…. 

Hinata just reminds me of that soft boy™ who would turn out to be a mf yandere type….. 

Let’s say you go to Shiratorizawa and you know Hinata from volleyball,,, bc your s/o also plays volleyball. When word gets out that you and your s/o break up, Hinata would be the first to comfort you and would be so supportive with everything you do

Then it kinda goes to shit because one minute you’re drinking something and then the next you’re waking up in an unknown room that you’ve never seen before. You’re all tied up and can barely move, can barely focus on what is even in the room

When you finally wake up Hinata is so happy and he still has that exciting energy he always has,, he’s like ‘ah I’ve been waiting for ten hours and now you’re finally awake!!!!’ And if you try to ask like where you are and stuff, Hinata would just say some bs like ‘you’re with me?’

This mf,,,,, I feel like when he tortures you, he kinda twists it into a way that it makes it seem like he is doing it for your own benefit. Like him carving his initials into your skin is to protect you and for everyone to know who you belong to, that sorta thing

Hinata would put all his energy into showing you why you belong with him, why you two need to be together, he’d probably punish you for not seeing it sooner and that’s where the angry sex comes in….

“Didn’t you know I was there for you all along?” Hinata asks curiously, still thrusting three of his fingers inside of you while ignoring the muffled whines and cries that leave your lips. “Why did it take you so long to come to me?” He continues to ask, a frown taking up his face as he voices his thoughts. His fingers inside of you once brought pleasure but now they are bringing pain, he has made you cum five times and has not once stopped. Your walls are feeling so stretched and every touch to your clit feels like you’re being shocked with electricity, it hurts. “Don’t you realize how much I love you? Why not me? Am I not good enough for you?” 

His orange hair dips as his frustration oozes out of him and he flicks his wrist as he curls his fingers inside of you, dragging along your walls to find that one spot. 

“You’re all mine now, I don’t have to worry anymore, right?” He growls and stares at you, his eyebrows furrowed and the dark look on his face makes him look unrecognizable. 

“You don’t have to worry anymore, Shouyo-“ You cry, and your back arches into the air as he finally drags his fingers along that spot. 

“Good, good.” He sighs happily and uses his other hand to rub your clit with four of his fingers. “I love you (Y/N), I love you so much and now you’re all mine!” 

Hinata’s eyes light up with need as he stares at your swollen clit getting tortured underneath his fingers, his mouth waters at the sight of your cum spilling down his wrist. Hinata sticks his tongue out of his mouth in concentration as he repeatedly snaps his wrist to thrust his curled fingers along your walls and his mouth drops out when you squirt all over him. 

“You must love me so much, don’t you (Y/N)?” Hinata asks you and you don’t have the nerve to tell him that you hadn’t just cum, not when he is like this. His orange hair dips once again between your thighs as he mutters to himself. “It is so obvious, how did I never notice before.”

Kozume Kenma 

Now,,, with Kenma….. I think his feelings would be really dormant for a while,,,, like he would always have these obsessive tendencies with you but he would be able to control it and hide it

He’d become your friend and gain your trust,,, then stick cameras in your room when you’re not watching so then he can always know what you’re doing 

Kenma is the type where your friends would joke about him having a little crush on you and you’d all laugh it off but in reality,,, Kenma is obsessed with you…. He doesn’t simply have a crush on you,,, he is in love with you

And as soon as you break up with your s/o, all his restraint will fly out the window. He will have zero problems taking you back to his own apartment/room and keep you there,,,,, Kenma does this in a way so that it makes you think you have control over the situation like you’re going to his place because you want to

He kinda reminds me of 707 type yandere you know? I don’t know why I keep referring to mystic messenger character but it helps me write this so…. 

Kenma won’t pay any attention to you or give you any attention but just simply having you in the same room as him makes him feel calmer, he lets you talk or rant for as long as you like,,, he is very manipulative with this whole thing

However, when Kenma finally has enough of you talking about your stupid ex s/o that he cannot stand ,,,, he will shut you up

Cue him kissing you and shit~,,, this will go from 0 to 100 real quick like what you think is your ‘friend’ trying to make you feel better will turn into Kenma’s dormant feelings exploding with every touch

All his previous feelings of rejection and just an obsessive need to make you his will surface,,, but he does it in such a way that it isn’t that intense and you’re into it…… even if he has an entire closet filled with sex toys that he wants to use on you 

Kenma will leave physical marks on you….. You’re not coming out of this the same, no, he has a hold on you now and he is never going to let go 

“Kenma!” You cry out as his slender cock rubs along your walls, his arms tighten around you and you moan again at the feeling of his warm skin.

“I can fuck you so much better than they could,” He whispers into your ear as he twists your leg up into an odd angle, one that makes it easier for him to dive deeper into you but also makes your muscle scream in pain. 

“W-what?” You ask, unable to focus on what Kenma is saying due to heat taking over your body. 

“You never moaned like this with them before,” Kenma mentally notes and begins to bite down on your neck, letting his thin hair tickle your jaw. “I’m going to show you how much I care about you.” 

You can only nod at his words, even if you have zero clues what he is saying, it doesn’t really matter when he’s fucking you this good. It’s like you can’t even remember your own name.

“You like that, don’t you?” He coos in amazement and tests his theory as he sits up on the back of his calves, holding you up by your waist with your legs draped over his shoulders, practically fucking you upside down. This new angle makes you feel everything, and the gravitational pull on your breasts makes you grab onto them which brings a new wave of pleasure.

“Oh, Kenma I’ve never been fucked like this before,” You mewl happily and take pleasure in the way he is quite literally rearranging your guts. Kenma smirks to himself and digs his nails into your waist, watching as you wince slightly.

“I know, I know.” He mutters quietly and continues to smack his hips into your ass, watching with heavily lust-filled eyes at the way you squirm at the sting. “What kind of filthy whore likes this kind of play?” Kenma wonders in amusement, the deep crescent moon shapes are left into your skin by his nails and Kenma starts to wonder what exactly else he can get away with you.

Tendou Satori 

Tendou,,,, ah,,, I kept thinking about this one for a while…… 

He would somehow always be able to keep tabs on you,,, even if you’re not really friends and if you go to different schools. Whether it be that he just always keeps himself updated on your social media or hears a lot about you, 

Any aspect of your life… Tendou will somehow know about it without you even realizing it… He also is very attentive with your s/o too and always keeps tabs on them as well and very soon it turns into an obsession like Tendou has to have you 

Tendou wants you so badly and all to himself, to the point that he can’t hold himself back and he needs to talk to you 

Even if you go to different schools Tendou will coincidentally run into you, it is so perfect that you’d never expect that every minor detail was planned, and he slowly builds up your friendship from there

Tendou seems like the type to be very clingy and always touching you but not to the point where you’re weirded out by it,,,, he does it in a way that you genuinely come to like…. You and your s/o probably break up because of Tendou 

I feel like Tendou would manipulate his actions so that you genuinely fall for him,,,, which works perfectly for him because now he has you all to himself

It’s like a flip is switched and Tendou goes from your caring friend to the possessive person he is, all his feelings come pouring out and he can’t help the way he treats you

I feel like when you cry it turns him on so he wants to see your tears when he fucks you,,,, Tendou plans everything he does and manipulates every aspect so you start to enjoy it and you think it is just some hot sex when really….. it is just Tendou showing you everything he feels for you 

You are literally his after this,,,, Tendou is not going to let you go,,,, and you wouldn’t want it any other way

Your elbows give out after a particularly hard thrust and you fall face-first into the mattress. Tendou grins and cockily rolls his shoulders back before pressing on the back of your head with his palm to shove your face into the sheets. You can barely fucking breathe but with the way Tendou is slapping his hips into your ass and the way his balls are deliciously slamming into your clit, you don’t care.

“You’ve always wanted my attention, haven’t you?” Tendou spits and narrows his eyes down at you. “You always wanted me to fuck you like this, I know how much you like me.” He throws out into the air and if you could nod, you would. “That little Seijoh boy can’t fuck you like this? Can he?” Tendou mocks and you moan loudly at his words. “If only he could see you now, see how good I am fucking you.”

Tendou brings his hand down to slap your ass, the arch in your back has your ass practically shoved into his face. His grin only widens when he sees how your ass jiggles for him and how each thrust has your tits slapping your face. 

“Tell me I’m the biggest cock you’ve ever had.” He twists your hair around his fist and yanks your neck so that your face is slightly up again. You take in a deep breath of fresh air and whine loudly. 

“Yes,” You cry and Tendou raises an eyebrow before slapping your ass again, laughing at the way tears fall down your face at the sting. 

“Yes, what?” He asks darkly and places his had right against your spine, right above your ass before pressing down hard. The pressure makes you sob even harder and you whimper at the pain.

“You have the b-biggest cock I’ve ever had.” You repeat and relax into the sheets when he starts fucking you again, the fast pace is something you refuse to try and even keep up with so you lay against the sheets with your eyes closed.

“Don’t fall asleep on me now (Y/N), we aren’t even close to being done.”

~

Taglist.

@yams046 @why-am-i-sad-and-sleepy @xhanjisungiex @xxashshs @chaosamu @angelkogane @augustdearly @kunimwuah  @lovellucy @osamuonigiri @pearzuko @darksxder

#hinata shoyo x reader #kozume kenma x reader #tendou satori x reader #hinata x reader #kenma x reader #tendou x reader #hinata smut #kenma smut #tendou smut #haikyuu fic #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu smut

[lettrespromises]

PLAN À TROIS.— TODOROKI, BAKUGOU.

A.N:

❝ dear reader,

why hello it is i, nikki, back at it again. this post was specifically written thanks to @sasukelore’s big brain, meaning that this one is for the boys with the booming system, top down, AC with the cooler system😔✊🏻. it’s my first attempt at writing smut (which means it’s a direct ticket to hell) so please bare with me, i hope you’ll like it! if you have any feedback, please feel free to send it to me! also, my requests are open for business hehe.

sincerely yours,

nikki.

P.S: “plan à trois” has a double meaning— it means “threesome” in french but it also literally means “a plan involving three people” which is the core of the story, both literally and figuratively. ❞

Genre: Smut. (All three of the characters have been aged up.)

Warnings: Cursing, mentions of drugs (but no actual use of drugs), unprotected sex (please use a condom), nudity, spanking, choking, cunnilingus, blow-job, temperature play, threesome, dirty things.

Word count: 6.5k (she’s a big girl, don’t be shy.)

Letter object: One hotel. One gala. One mission. One person to take down. Three heroes. You and Shoto have to play the perfect fake couple to gain your enemy’s trust, the only thing is, Shoto has no clue how to behave as a couple. The unexpected help comes from Ground Zero who seems a bit too impatient and eager to show Shoto how to really treat a lady.

Metaphorically speaking, the heroes are seen as the predators and the villains as the preys, it’s always been that way— an eternal game of hide and seek, which only ends in binary results, either victory or loss. The latest news concerning the hero world had put this little game to a halt: the hushed rise of the anti-quirks drugs were concerning. The enemy was everywhere and nowhere, it was all whispers, a thread of ‘who said what’, mere illusions replaced authentic clues. The rules of the game had been changed into a paradox where the villains became the predators and the heroes were deemed as the preys.

The rule of silence, which could have easily been personified as the ringleader of this dystopic scenario, was cruel— anyone could be suspected of being a link of the drug chain. But fret not, if you were suspected and voices started to echo around louder and louder, a little bit of hush money was the price to pay to reinstate the rule of silence. Anyone could be a culprit, even (or mostly) into the highest spheres of society. Those who are worshipped in an agnostic way, they were on top of the social food chain and, perhaps even, on top of the drug chain. These elites have been very vocal about their will to suppress the almighty authority pro-heroes possess— feeling threatened for their own sake and their own inferiority complex, they were willing to play dirty to be able to rule the country with an iron fist.

The corrupted elites still remained as elites and enjoyed their mondane occupations— galas being one of them. It was a dream opportunity for you as a pro-hero, a room crowded with highly potential culprits served on a silver plate with a cup of champagne to serve as the cherry on the cake.

Stealth missions were highly dangerous if you didn’t have a cover good enough, and treading on the playground of influential people could possibly cost you your career as a pro-hero, but if you managed to succeed, you were bound to bask in glory. Keeping a realistic cover is the number one check on the list entitled “how not to blow up your whole mission and be hated by the rest of the country.” Luckily enough, your agence had already done all the dirty work for you and sent you everything you needed— a flawlessly cut evening attire, a shockingly well-done fake ID and a full file regarding the background of your character, all down to the tiniest details. And I cannot emphasize enough “all” the details...

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me…” Amongst the myriad of details (and some of them were completely unnecessary, I mean, was your favorite fruit really important?), one of them was impossible to ignore. “Shoto Todoroki, really?” His name rolled off your tongue for a reason, you were supposed to play his pseudo fiancée for the night. Your thumb brushed the surface inked with his name, unconsciously wishing that if you were brushing hard enough, his name would disappear and so would your almost wilted high school crush on him.

Your silent complains were cut short, the sound of someone knocking on your door stirred you from the invasion of your thoughts. Then the knocking sound echoed once more. “Just a second!” Has anyone heard of the concept of patience? Waiting a few seconds for someone to open the door isn’t a inhuman task. Eventually (although it could’ve have been funny to let this mysterious person fume because you purposefully took too long), you opened the door to your hotel room and it just felt like you had welcomed a storm in. Much to your surprise, there were two surprise guests, two U.A alumnis just like you— Shoto and Ground Zero.

“Well, shit, were you planning on letting us fucking die in the hallways, woman?! What the fuck took you so goddamn long, ha?” When I mentioned a storm earlier on today, I meant Bakugou Katuski— his annoyance was transcripted upon his face through the frowning of his eyebrows and the wrinkle sitting between them. “It’s good to see you too Bakugou, glad to see you missed me after all this time.” His hands were shoved in his pockets, clearly not keen on listening to your sarcastic remarks nor wearing a tuxedo for the night. “Tch. Keep your smart ass talk to yourself, dumbass.”

You had indeed let a storm invade your hotel room. But unbeknownst to you, you had also welcomed a hypotizing breeze, the polar opposite of Bakugou, and apparently future fiancé for the night: Shoto Todoroki. His facial expression reflected nothing but pure serinity, a signature stoic face which radically clashed with Bakugo’s scowl. Todoroki was so discreet, almost blending his presence with the newfound silence. He was wearing an evening suit of his own, aquamarine was his color after all, it was a known fact since your high school years.

“Y/N, as you may be aware, I am here for the stealth mission. Bakugou is going to accompany us just in case something goes wrong. It was a last minute change, but considering the household names who are going to attend this gala, too much precaution is better than not enough.” Ohh, so that was the reason why the angry gremlin was here. Although, you wondered how Shoto felt about the two of you acting as a fake engaged couple, was he still serene about that? “Yeah, while you two fake lovebirds will be busy eating each other’s faces off, I’m gonna be around to check if there is any intell on these anti-quirk selling bastards.” Each of his word was accompanied by a hand gesture pivoting between you and Shoto and, of course, the same old look of annoyance plastered upon his face. You and Shoto, on the other one hand, appeared a bit surprised at the use of “fake lovebirds”, it just hasn’t sunk in yet... Denial, perhaps?

“Speaking of kissing and shit— you, half and half bastard, do you still have a fucking stick up your ass or do you know how to act in a relationship?!” His interrogation was accompanied with a daring glance thrown in Todoroki’s direction and an eyebrow lifted just to emphasize the characteristic of his question a bit more. A bold question which immediately found its answer from the mouth of Todoroki, needless to say, you felt this remark coming. “Bakugou, you’re the last person here who could pretend having the knowledge necessary to provide relationship advices.” You couldn’t help but let a laugh escape at Todoroki’s remark highlighted by its bluntness, although you quickly changed your mind once you felt Bakugou’s stare landing on you with such rage causing you to hush your laugh by biting your thumb.

“Ha?! What the fuck did you just say, half and half bastard? Use that fucking mouth for yours for good measure and let’s see if you can kiss Y/N correctly. I won’t let this mission be blown up by your stupid ass.” This time, there was a hint of amusement in Bakugou’s voice, it was hard to distinct if he asked that because he truly cared about the mission or if he just wanted to push Todoroki out of his comfort zone. But the ghost of a smirk drawn upon his face seemed to support the second hypothesis.

“Guys, just a second here. I understand why we have to take care of our cover but it’s not like Todoroki and I are going to kiss all night long.” Your gaze alterned between Todoroki and Bakugou, it became impossible to hold your gaze on a fix structure due to how flustered you felt, and soon enough, your cheeks were quick to adopt a rosy tone. “Y/N, are you scared of kissing me by any chance?” You secretly hated the obvious tone of concern in Todoroki’s voice, he was willing to do anything to make this mission a success but also make sure you were comfortable around him. “N-No! It’s just… I don’t mind it.” What a miracle, you finally managed to look at him in the eyes but the blush on your cheeks was as lively as ever. “Then damn, if you don’t mind it just fucking kiss already we don’t have all night, dumbass.” You could tell by Bakugou’s body language that he was growing more and more impatient by the second, his arms were crossed over his chest— he was getting pissed.

Todoroki captured your attention once more when his index brushed the surface of your skin right below your chin while his thumb was carefully set upon your jawline. His orbs shone by their gleam of reassureance, his eyes met yours, as a silent way to ask your for permission and you fluttered your lids shut as an answer. As if it was some kind of second nature to him, his other arm compassed your waist in order to bring you close to him. His lips finally touched yours. Each one of his actions was so soft, you could barely feel them yet, you felt like you were floating on a cloud. His lips were melting ever so perfectly with yours, as if your lips were the sole one which could fit is, you couldn’t help but to hum as the carefulness of his lips overwhelmed you. The kiss was shy, experimental, and yet so agonizing. He was temptingly and agonizingly slow, which only made you crave for more. However, given the lack of oxygen, you had no choice but to (relanctutly) break the kiss. You opened your eyes and basked in Todoroki’s beauty, still in awe at what just happ—… “Oi! Have you ever kissed anyone before, Icyhot? Fucking hell, what was that?!”

Of course this was bound to be expected— the angry gremlin in his natural behavior. You and Todoroki exchanged a look which held a thousand questions before you felt your wrist being caught by a much warmer palm, and eventually, you were yanked straight into Bakugou’s chest (not that you were complaining.) “Open your damn eyes and look, this how you fucking kiss a woman, dipshit.” The sound of his voice roaring against your eardrum made you flinch in the nicest way possible. Bakugou naturally made himself at ease all while maintaining his gaze upon Todoroki who was looking at him in return with a noticeable disdain in his eyes.

Bakugou was challenging him in a way, he perfectly knew that Todoroki was observing his every move, hence why he took the liberty to let his palm roam over the curve of your derrière as a way to taunt him. However, the taunt didn’t last too long not to make you feel uncomfortable. He quickly settled one of his hand on the small of your back (to maintain you as close to him as humanly possible) whilst his other hand was set upon your neck. He didn’t waste any more time and went straight to business.

Bakugou’s kiss was, as expected, a vivid contrast compared to Todoroki’s kiss. While Todoroki’s felt hesitant, caring, sweet… Bakugou’s kiss was rough around the edges and his sole purpose was to make your knees weak. Once he crashed his lips upon yours, he immediately swiped his tongue over the surface of your bottom lip, demanding immediate access to your mouth. You knew better than to upset Bakugou so you pleased and allowed his tongue to explore your mouth— your tongue was at his mercy for a few instants before finding a steady rhythm for you two. His presence was overwhelming— his smell, how close you were to him with nowhere to escape, his mouth, his tongue, everything caused you to rightfully let a moan escape into the kiss. At the sound of it, Todoroki’s eyes widened while Bakugou smirked into the kiss, he knew he made a point. You, in return, started to tug at his blonde hair— the rough atmosphere of the kiss affected your actions as well. Just prior to breaking the kiss, Bakugou’s teeth dug into your bottom lip and applied a few pressures while you were looking at him with pleading eyes to continue. Once he got what we wanted, he ended the kiss with a surprisingly soft peck upon your lips.

With his hand still settled on the small of your back, Bakugou turned to Todoroki’s direction and offered him his biggest smirk to show his secret victory. You were left breathless by the kiss, a series of uneven hot breaths crashed down onto Bakugou’s skin. 

If anyone were to walk in your hotel room, they would be able to feel and even touch the graduating tension in the air which almost felt agonizing. The tension was mostly radiating off of the two men, a silent battle for dominance had been declared through glances, holders of pure will to outbest the other. 

Todoroki observed the scene on his chair, and unbeknownst to him, Bakugou had indirectly offered him the best seat in the room to watch the manifestation of his talents. An almost inaudible sigh left Todoroki’s lips which translated into a sign of discontentment. “Y/N, come here.” The tone was strict, cold even, and you felt obligated to do as told. 

Detaching yourself from Bakugou’s embrace (you could tell he didn’t want to let you go judging from how his palm lingered on your back), you stepped away and made your way to Todoroki, a quizzical look noticeable in the reflect of your eyes. “What now?” You asked. Todoroki gestured to his lap and you knew what it meant, it was a speech without any word necessary. 

Paradoxically enough, Bakugou stared at the scenery in front of him in pure silence, and although it was very unlike him, he was mimicking Todoroki’s actions earlier on- he wanted to witness how Shoto was going to respond to his own deeds. 

You placed your hands over Todoroki’s shoulders to gain stability before sitting on his lap, it was a foreign feeling, but goodness, it was already addicting as hell and you were not interested in finding a cure. Both of Shoto’s hands crawled on the same spot where Bakugou’s hands used to linger just a few moments ago, you understood rather quickly that he was using his own methods against him. You were the center of Todoroki’s attention, his gaze graced your frame and he was loving the sound of your uneven breath, he wondered if he could make your respiration even more irregular.

He paid no mind to mind to the silent Bakugou who was already fuming in his corner as Shoto delivered a succession of pecks on the delicate flesh of your neck, and you tilted your head just enough to let him play on a wider surface. He traded the pecks for a few daring bites on certain areas, he needed to find your weak spot. “A-Ah... Shoto!” the sound of his name rolling off your tongue coated in such bliss was enough for him to curve his lips into a smirk. 

It was a brief moment of peace before he dug his teeth on the same spot and you failed to prevent any whimpers from coming out by biting your lower lip. He knew you were restricting yourself, prisoning these beautiful sounds of ecstasy, and he didn’t like any of it. He focused on your lower lip and rubbed the oh so soft surface with the pad of his thumb to prevent your from biting it, and thus, keeping your sounds of pleasure to yourself. 

“Don’t be shy, love. I’m pretty sure both Bakugou and I can agree on the fact that the little sounds you’re making are too divine to be hushed. Will you be a good girl and let us hear the sounds you’re making?” It was as if his voice was coated with honey, just his voice alone was enough to make you feel weak, and if you paid enough attention, you were pretty sure he purposefully blew a fit of cold air onto the skin of your neck. “Yes, please... I’ll be good, so good.” From that moment you knew you were at his mercy and he enjoyed every second of it. “You’re such a good girl for us.”

And so he continued, but it was rougher this time, a harsh contrast compared to his hesitant kiss from just a few moments ago. His teeth dug into the flesh of your skin harder this time, the sole purpose of leaving a mark on your crimson colored flesh was haunting his mind. To accomplish said purpose, Todoroki alternated between biting motions and a few swipes of his tongue on the newly bruised skin. The whimpers coming out of your mouth shamelessly only added fuel to his fire. He knew what he was doing, and you knew just how sensitive this particular area could get. 

Once he judged it was enough, he delivered a few pecks on the love bites, a way to kiss his art into your skin. “You’re so perfect, love, so perfect with my name written over your skin.” He whispered between kisses. Your head was thrown back, fingers grasping at the roots of his hair, your mouth agape- your whole body language testified of the addictive effect he had on you.

Such bliss couldn’t last for long, and quickly enough, another voice was being heard, a roar even. “Oi, oi, oi! Don’t even think for a single fucking second that you can have her all to yourself, half and half bastard.” It was almost a miracle that Bakugou had observed you in silence, but as expected, patience was nowhere near his forte. He had already crossed his limit long before you sat on Todoroki’s laps. Bakugou’s eyes were strictly focused on your frame, he was completely under your spell after observing how your chest would rise and fall unevenly to grasp any ounce of oxygen. 

Your knees felt weak already, you could only stare at Bakugou and silently ask him to continue, to make you feel even weaker, to make you experience pure bliss. You wanted to say his name, it was right on the tip of your tongue, but as you observed his figure reducing more and more the space between the two of you, you just admired him in silence. 

“Hah? What’re you looking at, brat? You want more? Is that it? You want fucking more? Say no more.” You should’ve known that the wicked smirk plastered upon his face was a pre-indicator of what was bound to happen. He lifted you off of Todoroki’s lap, the latter frowned a bit at the lack of your presence on him, and carried you to the bed before dropping you on the mattress. Todoroki was quick to follow from behind and stood right next to Bakugou, his hands already busy taking off his jacket and unbuttoning the first button of his evening shirt. “I’m sure that Bakugou and I can find a little agreement. After all, we can share, correct?” Todoroki’s rhetorical question found its answer once Bakugou let a discreet chuckle escape from his mouth after throwing his jacket God knows where and messily undoing his tie. “We’re gonna take real fucking good take care of you, baby girl.”

You were refraining yourself from already touching you, it took all the strength in the world not to give in to the most passionate temptations. But deep down, you already knew you were bound to be overwhelmed by pure bliss judging by how they were looking at you. You could only hum in response, unsure of how your voice would have sounded under the heavy influence of desire. 

Bakugou made the first move, after all, his poor soul felt left alone when Todoroki overwhelmed you with pecks and bites. He crawled over you, his knees were on each side of your waist, his hands however, assured total domination- his right hand clutched your wrists now pinned above your hand while his left palm settled by force on your throat, needless to say, the pressure was already applied on your windpipe. “You wanna’ play that game with me, hah?! Let Icyhot have all of you to himself and I got fucking nothing in return? Babygirl, I don’t watch, I fucking play.” It was too ferocious to be qualified as a whisper, and yet, when Bakugou pronounced the last bits of his sentence right in the shell of your ear, you felt like you were floating in pure bliss. “Answer me.” His grip on your throat felt a bit tighter. “P-Please... Ju-Just do whatever you want... With my body.” The lack of oxygen felt agonizing, you were deprived of fresh air and you were laying on the bed while Bakugou exuded pure confidence and domination, an aura so thick, you wished you could’ve touched it. “That’s my babygirl.” 

As Bakugou’s lips crashed onto yours, forcing its tongue into your mouth while maintaining the right amount of pressure on your throat to offer you a panorama of new sensations, Todoroki had already gotten rid of his shirt. If you paid close attention, you could see shy flames on his shoulders, he was absolutely adoring the scenery unfolding before him. Everything about you filled his senses, the sight of you giving in to Bakugou was nothing short of divine, the whimpers leaving your mouth in cascade whether the reason was the lack of air or the fierceness of Bakugou’s intentions was the sweetest melody he had ever heard. Everything was perfect. 

You felt the oxygen become one with your body again once Bakugou broke the kiss and allowed his hand to travel from your neck down to your chest, but his eyes were never leaving yours. He wanted to watch you come undone under his touch, he swore it to himself.

“I’ll take the bottom half. Icyhot, I don’t give a damn about what you do, just don’t fucking interrupt me.” His eyes were already set on the prize, your heat in all its glory. Shoto said nothing in response, you were the holder of all his undivided attention. As Bakugou took a firm grasp of your thighs, opening the way to his newfound purpose, Todoroki took over the top half of your body- he started by planting a succession of pecks from your lips down to your collarbone, passing by your neck, and each kiss was amplified by the cold air he was blowing on the surface of your skin. The contrast in temperature cause you to allow a few whimpers to escape, you already knew you craved for more, it was a way of manifesting it.

 “You won’t need that, will you, love?”  He said while pointing at your shirt, as his index was already hooking the fabric. It was a rhetorical question of course, you simply answered by humming. Your silent response was the only thing necessary for Shoto to send your shirt flying somewhere in the room. He continued his trail of kisses down to the valley of your breasts, the same cold air following him as he went.

Bakugou, on the other one hand, had already gotten rid off your skirt, but not before letting his palms explore the generous cheeks hidden underneath it, and eventually, leaving a slap right on this area which caused you to yelp in surprise. The pad of his thumb was already brushing against the surface of the fabric, oh what a pleasure it was when he felt the sensation of humidity coming through your underwear. A sensation so good, so addicting, so divine that it brought a sly grin to his face. “Already so wet for us, babygirl? You’re not wasting your damn time, hah?” Your skin was burning under his touch, you could already feel the chills running down your spine and he hadn’t even taken off your underwear yet. 

Todoroki took the strap of your bra between his thumb and index, and much to your suprise, he used the right amount of his quirk to burn the fabric and applied the same treatment to the other strap. Before you could even protest about the poor outcome of your bra, he planted his lips on your own to keep you quiet. Now, he focused his attention to your breasts and the bits of clothing left which prevented the upper half of your body from being fully exposed. He took the opportunity given by Bakugou who had gotten rid of your underwear which made you arch your back to unclip your bra. There was nothing stopping him now. He let his gaze fell on you, so full of adoration, while he leaned down and caught the last piece of fabric remaining of your bra between his teeth. His eyes held so much envy, so much desires which reciprocated in the reflect of your own orbs. 

Shoto threw your bra out of his mouth, and there you were- your body bare in all its glory. “Fuck, you’re so perfect...” He whispered right against your chest, causing you to let out a sigh you didn’t even know you were holding. He used his mother’s inherited side to trace the contour of your breasts, he knew he was going to earn a moan in return and he was so please to hear such a sinful melody at the clash of his cold fingers against your burning skin. His thumb and his index worked in harmony to twist the bud of your nipple and overwhelm it by Shoto’s cold touch while his tongue delivering hot saliva on your skin was already doing wonders on your other breast, a perfect balance between cold and hot which made your arousal erupt even more and someone was quick to notice...

“Oi, doll face, focus on me, not on this goddamn fucker. Don’t you feel so fucking good when I touch you like that, hah?” His burning jealousy amplified the voracity of his deeds. Every single one of his touch served the purpose of pleasuring you, but also outdo Todoroki’s touches. He needed to be the best at everything, including making you melt under his touch. You struggled to keep your eyes open, the desire to close your eyes and let your body attract all the attention while basking in pure bliss was too strong and yet, Bakugou’s voice roared into your mind, you couldn’t help but lay your eyes on him through half-closed lids. 

Once he knew he was the bearer of all your attention, he put his body and mind to work. Both of his hands planted your thighs on each side of his body, you felt too weak to move under his touch and did not dare resist the pressure. You whined in advance because you knew what was coming- and boy, did he look good with his face buried between your thighs. 

One long, sharp, vertical lick was all it took to let yet another moan escape your lips once more, and to Bakugou, it was the best reward. The heat of his tongue responded to the heat of your core, it was pure harmony. He licked the your core over and over again, tasting you, loving you, worshipping you even. One time he left lingering kisses to the side of your core, another time he was left licking motions all over your folds because your taste was the best thing he had ever felt. His motions echoed to your whines and moans, he was sure of hearing a sinful melody each time his tongue entered in contact with your skin.

“Keep making these noises for me, don’t be fucking shy.” His hot breath on the center of your heat embraced perfectly the succession of his actions, “Y-Yes... P-Please, I want... I need more.” Bakugou couldn’t help but let a low chuckle leave his lips, in response to your needy attitude, he left a harsh slap on the surface of your butt, to which you whined loudly in response. “Such a fucking filthy mouth you have there, hah?” He smiled to himself, knowing perfectly that what he was about to do was bound to leave you as a whimpering mess. Without any warning, he slid two of his fingers inside your core, and fuck, you were tight. His thumb was brushing against your sweet bundle of nerves which had already been cherished by Bakugou’s tongue earlier. 

You clutched the sheets of the bed to release some of the buildup pressure inside, it was as if a tornado, a volcano and a firework were exploding at the same time in your stomach, each of them resulting in a series of whimpers and moans at the overstimulation. Your lids were shut close already, yet, they kept fluttering over the invisible crimson touches left by both Todoroki and Bakugou.

Speaking over Todoroki, he was tasting you in such a different way as he started to get the grip of Bakugou’s mechanic. His mind kept roaming and roaming, he knew that just one mark on your neck was not quite enough and he needed to beat Bakugou at his own game- he positioned himself right over your right breast and blew a fit of fresh air, causing him to smile at himself for being the reason of such a reaction, and dug his teeth into your flesh. Motivated by the the way you kept tugging at his hair, he kept biting the same area over and over again until sucking your flesh just enough to create yet another love bite over your breast, such an intimate area, isn’t it? And now his whole name was written on it. 

“B-Bakugou... I can’t take it... Ahh! Anymore, please, please...” His fingers weren’t enough anymore, you were pleading his name, begging him to become one with you because you were unsure as to how you were going to keep the unleashed pressure within you ruin you. “So eager for my fucking cock, aren’t you?! You’re gonna count with me each inch entering your fucking cunt, got it?” You were willing to do anything at this point- Todoroki’s bites and his cold touch, Bakugou’s fingers and tongue, it made you fill dizzy but you knew, deep down, you were slowly approaching a pure state of bliss. “Yes... Yes I will.”

For his own purpose, Bakugou took his fingers off your core and flipped you on your stomach so you could be on all fours. You were giving him the view of worthy of a masterpiece: the crimson colored marks on your butt cheeks, the vivid rosy tone of your dripping core, oh he wanted all of you. “Love, don’t you forget that I’m here too, right? Open your pretty mouth for me.” You did as Todoroki preached, opening your mouth for him to stick his index in there. “Suck.” he commanded, to which you obliged by creating hollows in your cheeks and embrace his finger around your tongue, this feeling was beyond perfect, beyond the wildest fantasies his imagination had to offer. He could only let his subconsciousness roam about how his cock would feel around your perfectly pouted lips.

Bakugou’s hands gripped your hips tightly, his fingers turning white in the process while your flesh adopted a reddish tone in response. With the use of the pad of his thumb, he spread the pre-cum leaking all over his length, and so it began: the first inch. “One.”, it sounded more like an order than a statement, “...One.” you echoed, your response didn’t come quick enough to Bakugou’s liking, making you earn a harsh slap on your cheeks in return. Then another inch “Two.” , another faint sound coming from your lips “T-Two...”, yet another slap on your abused flesh. And so it went on, the process remained the same- another inch, another whisper escaping your mouth between sobs, another spank. 

On the other side of the bed, Todoroki was stroking his own length at the sight before him. You were on the brim of tears, and Bakugou didn’t show any mercy regarding your current state. “I’m sorry, her mouth is going to be full soon, she won’t have room to count out for you.” Bakugou grunted in response to Todoroki’s taunt. His strokes became gradually faster, like a crescendo if you will. His other hand, however, was placed right underneath your jaw to give you some support and your mouth was already open in anticipation for what was bound to happen. 

With his hand to keep your jaw steady, you welcomed Todoroki’s lenght into your mouth and he automatically let a groan as the tip of your tongue caressed his sensitive tip. You imagined how rewarding it must have felt for them to hear your own moans and whimpers because hearing Todoroki’s moan felt like a blessing to your eardrums.

Your tongue circled around his cock, your hand was pumping his length, and Todoroki wondered if this is what heaven looked and felt like. Your whimpers were hushed by the presence of his member in your mouth, but somehow, even these half silenced sounds of pleasure sounded even better to his ears. He felt his lids shut close under the miracle work of your tongue while his hand lingered in your hair to motivate you to keep going.

Bakugou, frustrated by this change of plans due to Todoroki’s own personal pleasure, slid the entirety of his phallus into you abruptly. The shock caused you to remove Shoto’s member from your mouth momentarily to catch your breath and release yet another whine before pleasuring Todoroki again. That came as a surprise to no one, not even Shoto himself, but Bakugou’s pace was rough and almost animalistic. 

The sound of his testicles clapping against your flesh testified of the pace and yet, it felt so enticing. Bakugou was not so vocal, but he did leave his fair share of grunts as he buried himself into you more and more until reaching your cervix. It was too much, your core was burning, hell your whole body was on fire. The tears that threatened to fall had put their threat to execution, you knew you were close, the overstimulation was getting the best of you leaving you in a whimpering, trembling mess. 

You continued to stroke Shoto’s length with your tongue, but his need to take control took over him. The same hand that rested in your hair suddenly took a firm grasp of your hair and he thrusted himself into your mouth and from there, his grunts became more repetitive. Truthfully, it was the only push he needed to bring him over the edge, the previous work of your tongue had put him under a spell. A spell he never wanted to wake up from. He knew what was coming, you felt it too but how the tip of his phallus was tickling your throat deeper and deeper. 

Shoto didn’t even notice the small flames making their apparition on the blades of his collarbone, meaning that it was finally time for him to cum. He set your mouth free and hinted his length towards your chest, letting the drips of cum color your skin, and allowed the most magical moan to leave his already parted lips in satisfaction. “Love, look what you fucking did to me. You’re so beautiful, so beautiful with my cum all over you.” Your first instinct was to fill your lungs with oxygen, something so common yet it was cruelly needed. You looked through your lashes at Shoto with pleading eyes while he looked at you with a glimpse of adoration in his. His digit was carefully wiping the excess of cum leaking down your chin to place it right into your mouth. He could only stare in awe at the sight of you tasting him. He felt so full, and fulfilled. He was finally at peace, soaking in pure bliss.  

The grasp Bakugou was holding over your hips became even harsher, which you though was impossible just a few seconds before. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He grunted, trying to keep his volume at bay by digging his teeth into his lower lip but it was all too much to be contained. He knew his climax was close, so close that he could picture it if he closed his eyes just for a second. Bakugou’s name fell on your lips like a forbidden prayer, his name had turned into the only thing you were able to say. “I-...Ah! Inside, inside, fuck, please...”, you felt a wave of pleasure taking over your body, a pleasure so intense, no word could have done it justice. Oh well, that was the sole indication he needed to hear before digging his nails into your sides, causing you to arch your back and bite the sheets, already preventing the cascade of whimpers from echoing in the room. “Fucking hell... Cum with me, now.”

 With one last thrust, Bakugou came within you, his face was facing the ceiling as he came undone with you. His cum slid within you and in return, your body thanked him by letting your own juice flow all over his length. 

Silence invaded the room. No more grunts, no more moans, no more cries. Pure silence inhabited by the uneven breaths of three protagonists who had just touched heaven by the tip of their fingers. Three victims of passion.

Bakugou pulled out of you, earning a whimper in return at the sudden feeling of vacuity. Your legs were shaking, and you secretly thanked every God for allowing you to stay relatively steady on all fours for this long and be able to endure the bestial-like pace of Bakugou. Needless to say, you were panting, you mouth was agape and you were crying for air. Your body immediately crashed onto the mattress, the soft feeling of the sheets enveloping your skin after reaching heaven made you feel as if you were floating on a cloud.

Bakugou and Todoroki shared a look, a small grin even, before crashing down onto the mattress next to you. You were unable to move, your mind was comparable to a wild blur as a result of your orgasm. A rush of words flew through your air but absolutely none of them was powerful and meaningful enough to qualify how you were feeling. At peace? No, not strong enough. Full? Nope, did not carry enough meaning. It was a unique feeling, worthy of all the praises in the world. 

Todoroki draped an arm over your waist and left a trail of kisses upon the flesh of your shoulder, a silent way to thank you for allowing him to experience heaven in a rush. Bakugou, on the other one hand, was facing your back and allowed his index to draw invisible patterns on the skin of your back. Paradoxically enough, the silence carried more words and emotions than an actual speech. Until...

“So... Um, about the mission?”

#my hero academia #my hero academia imagine #my hero academia x reader #boku no hero x reader #boku no hero academia #todoroki x reader #shoto todoroki x reader #todoroki shouto x reader #shouto x reader #shouto x katsuki #todobaku #shoto todoroki #bakugou katsuki #bakugo katsuki #bakugou x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #bakugou imagines #boku no hero fanfic #bakugo smut #bakugou smut #todoroki smut #boku no hero smut #todoroki x bakugou x reader #bakugou x todoroki x reader #todoroki imagine #todoroki shoto x reader

[babaleshy]

I'm Autistic

Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.

Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.

So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.

You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.

A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.

But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.

But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."

Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.

But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)

There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.

I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.

What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.

(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)

Now... onto the traits and experiences.

My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)

Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)

Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.

I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.

Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.

"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)

I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.

Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.

I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.

Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.

Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN

Special interests (I'll get into these later).

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).

I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.

Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).

I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.

Words and actions often misunderstood by others.

Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.

Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.

Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."

Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).

Will not do "girly" things like shopping.

Takes relationships seriously.

There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.

Often prefers the company of animals.

So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.

But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.

Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.

This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.

My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)

The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.

Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)

Halloween (forever)

the color orange (forever)

dinosaurs (forever)

Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)

animals (forever)

Godzilla movies (forever)

monster movies (forever)

Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)

Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)

Dragonball Z (forever)

Sailor Moon (on-and-off)

Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)

Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)

horror movies (forever)

Transformers (temporary)

Dark Knight movie (temporary)

Harley Quinn (temporary)

Lobo (temporary)

X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)

neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)

books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)

sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)

BDSM (on-and-off)

feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)

anarchism (forever)

ecology (forever)

Pleistocene epoch (forever)

goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)

Hellblazer (temporary)

Serbian heritage (on-and-off)

bats (temporary)

arachnids (forever)

teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)

gardening (current; unsure)

Russian language (current; unsure)

DIY things (forever)

Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.

I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).

In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)

Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.

Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"

In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).

I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.

In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.

I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)

Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.

Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.

Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.

I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.

Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."

I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.

I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.

I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.

Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.

High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.

My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.

Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.

The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.

Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).

While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.

Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.

I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.

Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.

I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.

I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.

Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.

I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).

I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.

I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).

I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)

Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.

I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.

Interest "Webs."

I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).

Back to ecology and paleoecology...

I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.

But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.

There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.

On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.

See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.

The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.

Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.

My Sensory Traits

I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).

I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.

My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.

Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)

Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.

Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.

Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.

I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.

Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.

I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.

I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.

Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.

I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)

Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.

Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.

Artificial cherry flavoring is death.

The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.

The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.

Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.

The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.

There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.

My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.

I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.

All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.

The smell of artificial cherry is death.

I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.

I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.

Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.

ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.

I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.

I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.

Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.

Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.

No two people's car interiors smell alike.

I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.

I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.

Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.

I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.

My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.

Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.

The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.

I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)

Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).

Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.

Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.

I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.

I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.

Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.

The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)

Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.

I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.

However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."

One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.

I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.

I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).

I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.

I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.

I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.

I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.

If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.

Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.

I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.

Can't have tight footwear. No.

The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.

I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.

Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.

Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.

Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.

Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.

(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.

Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)

In Conclusion

This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"

There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.

I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.

Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.

I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.

#autism #asperger's #adhd #special interests #sensory traits #autistic traits #sorry for how long this is

[izzyliker]

Hey, asking you this as nicely as I can but can you give the immediate victim blaming a break. The absolute lack of respect you have for the people tmc abused is genuinely disheartening. Yes, he’s a shitty person, you’re entitled to hate him but immediately going “well you should’ve seen it coming earlier lol we’ve been saying this” is just ASTONISHINGLY shortsighted and cruel. Have your opinions about him and the situation all you want I would just ask that you please keep it to yourself due to the many many people he’s hurt that are still on here and can see you disparaging them.

ok, that is not what i have been saying. "well you should've known" is not an accurate summary of my feelings on this matter but apologies if thats how it came across. i have been in an abusive relationship where the person did a lot of the same things and i, too, defended that person without considering how it impacted other people. i almost lost my best friend because of how i acted as a result of keeping him in my life while people around me kept telling me to get tf out. i know.

what i am is im frustrated and annoyed by how long people were willing to publicly and passionately defend this guy while apparently fully aware what kind of shit he was doing to other people, many of which is detailed in the callout itself, and how this is now being framed as news. before the document itself was published all me (or anyone) had to go off of was vague posts that amounted to a "callout trailer" and almost all of the information on it was shit that was 100% completely public knowledge. 20+ people being aware of all that goddamn stuff and not one of them publicly stopping associating with him is frustrating. it comes across as spineless and yes, like one anon told GD, gaslighty (although i have my own issues with this being used on a large scale instead of in interpersonal relationships but i understand where they were coming from). his lesbophobia, transphobia (strange that none of the transphobia towards trans men was mentioned?), and panphobia/aphobia/biphobia were widely documented and seeing that on a callout post as if it were news was extremely tiring.

ive since read the callout. the interpersonal actions seem to have been horrible but sadly im not surprised (by which i dont mean "and neither should you" but rather. my spidey senses for this sort of behavior are pretty accurate most of the time and i did see this coming. this isnt me saying im Better than these people or that they shouldve as well but rather that i have learned to identify people of this genre.) by any of them.

also im 75% sure this is tumblr user GD. hello. if not then apologies, its just that the typing here is very similar. if it is, i think you trying to both take accountability for this and process whatever it is youre processing at the same time on tumblr is a bad idea and going to just lead to people feeling hurt and betrayed because while i truly do see where the reaction is coming from (like, truly, i understand, believe me), if you say "i take responsibility for how i acted while being manipulated" but then when people voice their negative feelings you tell them theyre victim blaming you it is going to reflect poorly on you. i dont think you understand how many people were absolutely hurt by the enabling you and your large, massively popular group of friends did for him, including the MASSIVE defense rant you typed up in defense of him when someone sent an ask to the bi jon event about him being panphobic and aphobic. whether its fair for people to expect you to immediately go into depth about it is questionable but dont invite people to do this when you obviously cannot handle it (i dont mean this in a bad way like "oh you should handle it". i mean genuinely this is how you get burnt out and possibly worsen possible future trauma. by trying to immediately placate people without having the mental resources to do so.)

i think the "we dont condone these views and never did!" without ever specifying what they were or doing any other work there is a lazy fucking cop-out. your circle was/is massively popular and a lot of people took all of you as authorities on stuff like headcanons and respectful portrayals of certain characters or identities to the point of accepting your meta as canon (something you havent really dissuaded ever), and associating publicly with someone who would constantly do this kind of shit and then defending him publicly while also positing yourself as an authority isnt something you can just "oops! we never agreed with him!" yourself out of. GD & TF specifically, you are massive blogs. you are babys first TMA blog. people in your askbox hurt and betrayed by this shit are not necessarily there to victim blame you. they are there because they trusted your word when they said "hey seraf reblogged anti pan and anti ace and weird transphobic posts" and you said "seraf is one of my dearest friends and would never do any of those things and im personally offended youd even imply that." i think you dont understand the real life consequences of the massively popular posts and sentiments he made & published and that you helped spread (despite apparently knowing that he was being a massive hypocrite and bigoted towards those groups or identities in his personal life). obviously interpersonal abuse/conflict is going to be "worse" but dear god i hope you collectively understand that "oh btw we never endorsed his views" is a massive copout and a shit apology for the hurt this association and endorsement caused. tmc has been terrorizing this fucking fandom for months with his bullshit and bigotry and you have not been passive bystandars but active enablers.

anyways, hope everyone involved gets to uh, heal i suppose, but i think expecting the people who seraf suicide baited, the groups of trans men he misgendered, the people who he targeted and harassed, the genuine fucking long lasting dysphoria he caused real people to have over his shitty takes re: transness and dysphoria, and the general shit behavior he was allowed to keep up with zero pushback from anyone in his circle of the fandom to drop all the anger or frustration they have for the people who enabled him and defended him aggressively is... unrealistic. and makes you look bad. especially when the doc doesnt even clarify which opinions you still support.

#disk horse #abuse ment #long post #also im ngl some of the shit in the doc rly didnt need to be there if it genuinely was just a warning or whatever #also from what my jewish friends have said the whole section about converts not being jewish seems recklessly irresponsible as a thing to #include with any amount of authority re: the status of converts #But whatever.