#from my friends? on the website which I use for the purpose of seeing my friends? fucker.
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it is 3am and I am so angry I don't know if I can sleep
#saw melon husk's most recent tweets against my will. I have never felt so viscerally angry at something so objectively stupid in my life#see my friends? oh is that what you want? you want me to see my friends? so you stopped me from seeing posts?#from my friends? on the website which I use for the purpose of seeing my friends? fucker.#going to bed I'll delete this in the morning but jesus christ for some reason this was what finally pushed me over the edge#just started coughing for no reason while typing this and I'm blaming that on him too#personal pulse
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a list of cool website i found and use
radiooooo.com- pretty much you can listen to any music any place in the world and also... you can choose any TIME. Sometimes a person just likes to listen to russian music during the 1970s yk? (i recommend btw)
onelook.com (thesaurus)- can't seem to find the word you're thinking of? What the hell is that blanket that you only use for the couch/living area??? Oh wait- a throw. Go check out onelook, it has definitely saved me time for my writing.
datayze.com- CALLING ALL WRITERS, or i mean if youre gonna have a baby too ig this would work. datayze literally will help you find a name for your oc! And if you already have a name it gives you alot of good info you may want to know about your oc'c name. Or you could always make a name by mixing two together, like you can... on datatyze.
bandcamp.com- I cannot for the life me explain this website but TRY IT OUT, YALL. You can find alot of underground artists or new songs :D
mix.com- kind of like tumblr? but kind of like reddit? but also kind of like twitter? what im trying to say is that it's called mix for a reason. It takes cool things from multiple different websites and compiles it into one website, really cool when you're into a really specific fandom sometimes.
lab.nationalmedals.org- tbh idk, it's pretty and cool. it's pretty cool. i used to play this a lot.
worldchatclock.com- i use this for some of my friends that i volunteered with online to find a perfect time for us to meet. It finds a time where which you and up to a few people in different time zones can find a perfect meeting time.
earth.nullschool.net- so ive been getting back into flying my kite and this has been a life saver for my time.
radiogarden.com- i made a whole post about this website, uhh just look it up or try and find the post- im sorry im getting tired pLease
(I have like 2 other websites but i am not going to log into my old school email to try and find the bookmarked websites)
HONORABLE MENTION (actually i did this on purpose. best for last yk?)
azejournal.com- HELLO AROS AND ACES OR BOTH!! THIS IS THE WEBSITE FOR YOU. This is full of cool poems, stories, personal experiences, etc, about being aro or ace or both. I am literally in LOVE (no romo) with this website, it makes me feel more understood sometimes. Also I just love seeing us as a minority having a safe space to make and post creatively.
#aromantic#asexual#aroace#apec#aroallo#website#send help#im so tired#why did i make this#i stood up too long making this guys#i hope yall like it#radio#oc names#names#name searching#name suggestions#one look#radio garden#new music#music#time zone problems#time zones
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if im fictionally fucking my mom's man i want it as icky as possible im talking fucking in their bed 📝 fucking in the car when toji was supposed to pick me up 📝 mom on the other room and im on my knees doing the glock 3000 📝 or it can be something like i sneaked out and he finds out and i have to fuck him so he doesn't rat me out 🤒
18+ only content - mdni
when I read this I had to put my phone down and take a lap because the beginning and the end has me in a chokehold! it's so icky I love it so much 🫠 I kinda went off the rails and this is 3.3k but there will be a part two!!
tags: fem reader + dark content + step-dad trope + explicit smut + both him and you have fucked up morals and do fucked up things but it's okay because this is fiction + some angst + I changed it up after a new idea came to me lmaoo + daddy being used + food play + this wasn't supposed to be long...
Lines tend to blur when the human mind is muddled with a strong emotion, such as anger. Pretty much all of us have said something out of anger or spite that we wish we could take back, but can't.
When you have to hear your mother and stepdad go at it fighting about things that could easily be talked about, but you know your mom wasn't like that. Her go-to tactic was the silent treatment which left the house in a war zone that had you walking on eggshells.
It was something you were used to, and as soon as you turned eighteen you moved out and away to college only to come back and visit her during breaks and when summer started then she met Toji.
She claimed it was love at first sight but it didn't take long for her new husband to realize what type of woman she really was after the wedding which is where you met him for the first time ever and then you kept coming back home after you and Toji developed a relationship.
You two could bond over being stuck with your mother.
He listened to you bitch and complain a lot about the guys in your class and the ones who try to chase after you to get a taste but there was always one thing you left out, never telling Toji.
None of those men were him.
Having a crush on your stepdad wasn't a new thing, there were more porn links on any website and the pages went into the triple number about fucking your stepbrother or stepmom, whatever tickled your fancy, they more than likely had it.
But the videos always lacked men that looked like Toji or they didn't know how to fuck, and it was like they missed the clit on purpose.
It was a dark secret you were going to take with you to the grave.
That is until you were caught.
You came into town a day ago and forgot a few essentials back at your dorm so you had to run into town quickly before meeting up with a few old friends to grab them and that's when Toji found it.
Your laptop was still playing a video when he was shuffling down the hallway ready to get in the shower, the sound was on but it wasn't loud enough for Toji to realize what it was until he opened the lid to see a woman who looked like you getting her back blown out while chanting daddy fuck me harder and oohs and ahhs about his dick.
With his eyebrow cocked Toji couldn't stop himself from watching as the man pulled out, his condom-covered dick was shiny with the woman's cum, and all he could think about was fucking you raw.
Feeling his cock twitch under his towel he sat down at your chair looking around your bedroom, the same one you grew up in and your mother never changed anything when you moved out so it was frozen in time it felt like with pictures of you and your life hanging up.
Toji wasn't sure how long he had before you came home and while he wanted to jerk off in your chair he knew it was best to take your laptop to his and your mom's room to lay on the bed with the laptop next to him as he lay naked with his legs spread open.
His heavy cock wept as he wrapped thick fingers around the shaft knowing this was beyond fucked, masturbating to his stepdaughter's porn that he found wasn't the best moment in his life but damn it, you were a minx and tempted him more than anything.
It simmered under the surface and now it was a raging boil that wouldn't even stop if you took away the heat source. With his head tilted against the headboard and the video louder he didn't hear you coming in calling out for him. "Toji!? I have something for you!"
No answer.
Usually, he would call back out from the living room. Silence greeted you as you breezed through the lower half of the house, going from room to room holding the scratch-off ticket you bought for Toji.
Humming softly you walked upstairs stopping midway when you heard the moans.
Immediately your blood ran cold with thoughts of him stepping out on you. Your feet faltered as you gripped the rail bolted to the wall thinking about the woman Toji brought home.
With determination in your step, you hurried up the stairs and down the hallway to push the door open to see Toji naked and jerking off, his fist going up and down his fat and leaky cock, it was the thickest and longest you've ever seen in person.
Toji stopped when he heard you suck in a breath and you met each other's gaze feeling your heart threaten to get stuck in your ass, it felt like a dream as your eyes bounced from his to where his fist was.
It was now or never.
"Are you goin' to stand there or help me?" He husked moving his fist again, his heavy sack bouncing with each stroke making your mouth water as you watched stuck in the doorway until the video changed pulling you from your state of mind.
Your feet propelled you forward as you shed your clothes until you were on the mattress kneeling between Toji's strong and powerful thighs, he was so close you could smell his natural body scent which was all potent male.
Toji watched you with darkened eyes forgetting that another video was playing, he didn't have to imagine this now, not with you right here with a soft smile and even softer hands that felt like heaven when you replaced his fist with yours.
The line was crossed the moment he was caught, the both of you knew that so when you finally closed the distance to wrap your lips around the tip while keeping eye contact Toji knew he was in for it.
He watched as you swallowed him all the way down to the hilt burying your nose into the soft dark pubic hair that he kept trimmed, and it's been so long since he got his dick wet and here you were sucking his cock like it was your job.
Whatever you couldn't reach you jerked off making it messy with thick spit that bubbled and strung from your mouth to the head of his cock when you pulled away to give your jaw a break. "You can do better than that, I've heard you gossip for hours doll." Toji husked with a deep chuckle as he guided your mouth back to his cock.
You gagged wetly causing tears to glisten and make your eyes glassy as you met Toji's gaze again knowing that was beyond wrong, this was your mother's husband, your stepdad whose dick you were sucking in their bed like it was a melting popsicle.
Green eyes took in the way you swirled your tongue around the tip before dragging all the way down to his heavy sack sucking on each one gently while using your spit as a makeshift lube to make it easier to jerk him off as you kissed your way up making a mess of your face.
"You look so pretty like this," Toji grunted when you slapped the length of his dick against your tongue once it lolled out, your lips curled into a smile when you felt his warm essence splatter that he smeared in with his thumb before dragging it toward your lips.
He watched as you sucked his cum-soaked thumb before moving to straddle him, your hands perched on his shoulders not cleaning up the rest of his orgasm on your face as you grabbed his wrists guiding his hands to grab your tits and rolling your nipples.
"I see where you got most of your looks from." Toji teased hearing you huff and smack at his hands as you glared at him and rolled your eyes.
It was just to rile you up really because truth be told you are the
His words stung as you turned your attention to your laptop that kept playing porno and now you couldn't help but feel cheap and used. "We won't talk about this ever again, this never happened." You told him and crawled off the bed with your laptop and clothes in your arms.
Toji sighed heavily and ran his fingers through his hair knowing he fucked up big time with that joke and since the apple doesn't fall far from the tree he took the rest of the night to think about your fave covered in cum and you crying on his cock as you struggle to take him.
Over the next several days all you could do was taste Toji.
It was your own personal hell because not only couldn't you get rid of it but he was always around and it seemed like he was picking fights with your mom on purpose to.
Since it was summer break, you had three more months of living with them before going back to college, and you didn't want to hear the yelling, so you called up an old friend for dinner.
They didn't notice you leaving at first until Toji went upstairs passing by your bedroom, and by then, it was an hour after the fight ended.
Another hour passed by of him laying in bed thinking about the other night, and you still weren't home, making Toji sick to his stomach until his phone rang with your ringtone.
He answered it, hearing a noisy background fade away. "Hey, I was wondering if you could come and get me please?" You asked softly shifting your weight between both feet waiting for his answer.
"Send me your location."
With that he hung up to get dressed while looking at his phone knowing exactly where you were, it was the restaurant that he proposed at.
Another twenty minutes later you saw Toji's car turning the corner smoothly and gliding up to the curb, the passenger door swung open revealing Toji who seemed irritated. You scurried to the car just in time for sheets of rain to start coming down heavily.
The air in the cabin of his car was thick with unsaid words and tension that even a knife couldn't cut through, you would need a chainsaw to get the job done. "Thank you for picking me up."
You turned to look at him thankful for the dark sky and Toji's tinted windows, the eye contact was intense and it made you ache. It could be felt like a heartbeat between your legs but his comment still rubbed you the wrong way.
"I have no choice." He muttered pulling away from the curb and driving slowly down the streets until he reached the driveway where he shut the car off filling the air with static.
Neither of you moved from your spot.
Toji looked at you turning his body to get a good view of your dress. "Why are you being a jerk?" You blurted with a curled lip as you gripped the door handle glaring at him when you pushed the door open to get out when he grasped your wrist gently.
Before you could say anything, you were yanked forward and felt Toji's lips against yours. At first, you stilled then melted like butter on a hot man, you became putty in his arms as he pulled you closer.
He helped you staddle him making sure you were comfortable before his hands slid up your dress. "Look at ya. So pretty 'f me." His words made you burn from the inside out as you rubbed your pantie-cladded cunt against his bulge wanting to feel him inside you.
"Toji. I want you so bad." You whimpered leaning your back against the steering wheel to lift the front of your dress to show him your no bra and underwear choice, his eyes widened and his cock twitched.
"Is this for me or that loser you went with?" He husked pinching your nipples and hearing you whine while rolling your hips unable to help yourself, he trailed his fingers down your belly and down between your legs where he spread you open gently.
"Who do you think, silly?" You hummed leaning in to kiss him again and nibble on his bottom lip while reaching both hands down to pull the band of his shorts down to reveal his dick that felt warm and heavy in your hand while being smooth and soft.
He was beyond thick and his length was impressive but you weren't surprised. Toji swirled his tongue with yours as he slowly slid his middle finger inside you, curling to find that sweet spot of yours.
With your arm wrapped around his neck, you jerked him off letting him finger you as you kissed him growing drunk and needy for him.
Toji already had you on the edge in a matter of seconds it felt like.
His teeth sunk into the tender area of your pulse when you tossed your head back riding his fingers, wanting to ride something else.
"Dick." You muttered pulling away in a frenzy.
"What for?" Toji huffed as he rolled his eyes.
You looked up at him as you spit in the palm of your hand to use as a makeshift lube before jerking him off again. "I want your dick."
He chuckled and smacked your ass as you sat up the best you could due to being in a cramped car, your muscles cramped and ached but you didn't care, not when you felt his hot tip against your fluttering hole.
Slowly you sat down until he was halfway inside you feeling your pussy pulse around him and trying to milk it already. His fingers curled into your dress stretching the fabric when he bottomed out.
The both of you gasped as tears stung your eyes feeling him in your throat what felt like. "Holy fuck." You whimpered and put your hands on the roof of the car as you began a slow pace at first.
Toji pulled the top of your dress down to bare your breasts to him which he attacked with kisses and soft nibbles as you rode him like you were going to win first place for doing it too, this wasn't going to be the first or last time this happened, the both of you knew it too.
His cock kissed your cervix mixing in a bit of pain with the pleasure that swirled in your foggy brain as you bounced up and down. "I'm going to ruin any man that tries to lay his claim on you, you're all mine, aren't you sweet girl?" Toji asked reaching up to squeeze your cheeks in one hand squishing your lips together.
You couldn't speak, only moan which was amusing to him. "So drunk on cock you can't even talk, don't worry princess. I'll ask again. You're mine, right?" He shook your head for you softly and thrust up mocking your voice. "Yes, daddy, I'm all yours." He husked.
Your hips ground down on him feeling your orgasm wash over you making you squeal and clamp down around Toji which in turn pushed him to cum sooner than what he's used to filling you to the brim.
You nor Toji spoke about what happened in the car but you had silent conversations when your mom was home and when she wasn't you were sure to tease him and tonight you broke the poor man.
After dinner, you curled up on the couch with a bowl of fruit and whipped cream while your mother did the dishes when Toji sauntered in just in time to see you dipping a strawberry in the cream lapping the white essence up reminding him of the blowjob in his bed.
Toji was silent as he sat on the other end of the couch but he still eyed you and now you were sucking the whipped cream off your fingers. "Did I miss a spot?" You asked in a sultry voice as you leaned in to look at him.
This was a very dangerous game you both were playing, he could feel the heat from the flame he was playing with but Toji knows you would balm any burn he got and he would do the same for you too.
His eyes shifted to the hallway still hearing the water running before he was staring at you while he dipped his finger in the cream to smear some of your mouth. "You did, you're a messy eater."
He leaned in grabbing the back of your neck in a gentle hold that only made you melt under his touch when he licked your lips before kissing you which made your pussy ache and drool for him again. Quickly you put the bowl down and kneeled on the floor.
Toji leaned back and watched you curious as to what you were going to do as you removed his cock that grew in your hands. You scooped up some cream and slathered it on the tip of his dick before licking it off never breaking eye contact as he ate a few pieces of fruit.
Both of you had to be quiet and quick too.
He rested his hand on top of your head as you cleaned the sticky mess up before adding more whipped cream on the side of his dick that you licked up before sucking on the tip like it was a comfort thing and in a way it was, you enjoyed seeing Toji like this.
You pulled away to grab a grape and feed him before going back down deepthroating him gagging softly as he attempted to keep his moans quiet when your mom called him to the kitchen. "Oops, you've been called to duty." You teased and giggled as you stood up.
Toji reached out and smacked your ass as he stood up to kiss you, the sweet cream and his musk mixed together making you taste addictive.
It was a cat-and-mouse game now.
You were more than fine being the mouse and letting Toji chase you.
Like now, it was Saturday evening and he and your mom had a date planned which made you become bitchy and mean to both of them which was promptly ignored by your mom but Toji wasn't having that.
After they left you knew your mom wanted you to stay home to watch the place but you wanted to see your friends from your old days and what's the worst thing that can happen when you sneak out?
It ends with the party having the cops called on it for being too loud and no ride because your friends couldn't find you and they had no choice but to leave you behind, which made you dial Toji.
He was clearly upset when he answered and you could hear your mother in the background nagging about something. "I'll be there."
You sent him your location once you made it safely away from that house and the cops that crawled by the bench you sat on until you saw Toji's car causing butterflies to erupt in your belly. "Did you tell my mom you're picking me up?" You asked him once inside.
"No, your mother went to a hotel tonight."
"Oh."
After that, the car ride was silent until you finally broke it. "What are we doing?" You murmured afraid of his answer feeling your heart pound in your chest.
Toji didn't say anything until he pulled into the driveway to look at you not saying anything which made your stomach twist with a mixture of emotions. You both have already crossed the line and there was no going back from all of that, it was all out in the open.
Another minute passed and you couldn't take it anymore, with your purse in your hand you shoved the door open and hurried out of the car and into the house with tears streaming down your face, it felt like he was breaking up with you when he wasn't yours to start with.
#💌incoming#tw: dark content#tw: incest#toji x reader smut#jjk x reader#toji x reader#jjk smut#jujutsu kaisen smut#jjk x reader smut#toji x you#fushiguro toji x reader#toji smut#toji fushiguro x reader#Toji x yn#Toji x you smut#jjk toji smut#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jujutsu kaisen x you#jjk x you smut
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I Saw the Phantom Proshot at the NYPL
Happy 36th birthday to Phantom's first preview on Broadway! I was going to save this post for the actual 36th, but I figure all of us need some more Phantom Broadway "original" content since the official Insta accounts are reminding us today that Phantom is no longer (though it should be) on Broadway. I'm going to post about what I saw, and I'll follow up on January 26 with all my answers!
Some time ago, @or-what-you-will and I went to the NYPL's Theater on Film and Tape Archive, and viewed the archival pro shot of the Original Broadway Cast of Phantom of the Opera, filmed live on May 25, 1988. There is only one copy, and its purpose is artistic preservation (not commercial distribution--the library owns it). It was kept under lock and key during the show's run. All information about how to access the archive is on the website. I can't really tell you anything more besides what's out there because it will become identifying. You get set up in a room with monitors and can pause and rewind, although you can't touch the media.
This was not my first TOFT proshot, but it was the best-filmed. Some, there's a single camera just parked, or there's some generation loss because of when the tape was transferred to digital. This had absolutely vivid colors, a multi-camera shot, and brilliant and clear soundboard audio. I heard lyrics I have never heard (especially during Notes when everyone is singing over one another), the sound balancing was so good. It was as transformative as seeing it live.
These are all the notes we took while there (apologize if they can seem disjointed) More below the cut.
ACT 1 NOTES:
-Multicam shot
-amazing audio (soundboard), vivid colors
-Raoul/Barton is crying in his voice during the auction
-there’s a “voice” that sounds like a woman singing with the overture (maybe a theramin?) We jumped in shock at this. We've never heard this before, not even on soundboard.
-Sarah Brightman comes on stage during the Hannibal rehearsal, moving across the stage with Meg during “Rome not Roma”--so she dances in the front row during the Hannibal ballet
-Hannibal ballet then has 10 dancers and since Christine is in the whole thing, there is slightly different choreo
-there’s a synth under Meg’s “he’s there, the phantom of the opera”
-Firmin lights a cigarette and Andre (Future Phantom Cris Groenendaal) stops him right before “Think of Me’ which makes the “Defense de Fumer” on the back of the curtain make even more sense
-Think of Me Gala skirt is not as full (but of note, Carlotta’s Elissa costume is much more ornate than we have now or even at the end of Broadway)
-Raoul sings slightly different notes in Think of Me. Steve Barton goes down a few notes on “young and innocent” (it’s not belted) and is clearly wistful.
-The think of me cadenza is absolutely effortless
-The “Bravi, Bravi” is haunting and perfectly sound balanced!
-Meg can actually sing and the Angel of Music harmonies work
-Raoul (Steve Barton) is nervous before going into the dressing room. He taps his fingers on the banister and takes a deep breath before going in
-He’s also nervous inside the dressing room–you can see him going from seeing an old friend to suddenly having feelings, being attracted to her. When he’s standing behind her he has a slight moment when he nearly touches a lock of her hair.
-Raoul is wearing a ring on his right hand (signet?)
-Steve Barton says MY Little Lotte
-Christine (Brightman) is excited about meeting the Angel of music and has a wanting and longing in “Enter at LAST master” (in a way that Lily Kerhoas does now and we haven’t had many Christines who do this)
-The picture is VERY CLEAR and NO WASHOUT when we see Michael Crawford appear in the mirror for Phantom’s entrance. You see everything
-When the door opens for Raoul to the dressing room after they go through the mirror, it opens slowly (vs banging open). It’s the same tempo that Phantom moves to take Christine through the mirror
-1925 Phantom silhouette vibes at the first “sing for me”
-Not a particularly aggressive cape twirl, but def a twirl.
-They get VERY close on “turn your face away”, almost kiss (like, Russians, Panaro/Joseph close)
- he has a nice portcullis sprawl but she does not press against him, there is visible space between them the entire time
-”Caress” and “hear it, feel it” are explicitly seductive, the former in how it’s sung, the latter because he self-caresses on “feel it”
-the “Touch me” in touch me/trust me is half sung/half spoken order, she strokes her hand over the mask and he does not pull away
-He does have a little panic when she faints and he covers her with the cloak. He’s holding her hair when he sings to her there
-At the unmasking, MC holds for a brief moment before covering his face with his hand so the audience gets a peek of the deformity (before “damn you”)
-Vixen not viper
-Crawls on knees, not stomach. We get…lots of crying and whimpering
-Christine sees his face a lot during this sequence. MC lowers his hand as soon as he’s on her side of the stage from “secretly dreams of beauty” to “Oh Christine”, when he turns away–but she is looking at him the entire time. MC is angled right by a mirror shard so we can see a bit of the deformity reflected back
-Right before “come we must return”, MC is about to cup her face with both his hands before changing his mind–she starts to reach for him as well.
-His Mandarin robe is much longer than we have now (ankle length vs calf length)
-This Giry has witch vibes
-Steve Barton is playing eager puppy Raoul and it shows even though he looks older (Barton was 35 at the time)
-The sound balancing is so good that you can hear lines you don’t normally hear during Notes 1 and Prima Donna–including the Managers thinking that Christine has just been off with Raoul all night.
-Sarah Brightman does a different pose on the bed as the pageboy during Il Muto. She crosses her legs vs putting her hands on her hips.
-Firmin yells “the role of Christine Daae” to the proscenium, clearly directed at Phantom
-Barton Raoul’s “There is no Phantom of the Opera” comes off more as “Christine this is just some dude” vs “he doesn’t exist at all.”
-Raoul loves Christine so much. He strokes her hair gently to comfort her right before “No more talk of darkness”--his eyes are soft and he’s genuinely caring and concerned (vs trying to be a hero)
-”All I ask is for one love one lifetime”--different lyrics, she does it twice (This is on soundboards from the time)
-Raoul puts his face to Christine’s hands at the proposal.
-Christine is clearly kissing his cheek right next to his mouth during the kiss (the final lair kiss is a real kiss)
-Christine’s “I must go” is not as playful as we often see it later. She really is trying to go.
-Raoul is nervous at “Christine, I love you”--he lowers his head for a moment worried that he said something wrong. He’s excited when she replies “order your fine horses”
-AIAOY Reprise: Michael Crawford is partially slumped over the angel, he’s holding hands with it to the audience’s right, and arm is slumped over on the left. We get a lot of anguished weeping, and little distressed moans as Christine and Raoul sing, there is rocking and head shaking and then covering his ears. It’s a HUGE difference then when he stands up fully for “You will curse” (he does this again during final lair between “unfeeling scrap of clothing” and “pity comes too late)
-He also roars before standing
-The Phantom laugh/cackle continues well into the chandelier drop into intermission at the light cut out for about 15 seconds.
Act II
-Carlotta masquerade costume has no mesh in the skirt–it’s much more of a see-through skeleton crinoline, so the feature is the purple tights
-Not surprising since Sarah Brightman is a dancer, but Christine does the proper choreography during Masquerade--she's the center of attention. Barton also does quite a bit of dancing.
-There’s an organ (almost like a circus organ) underlying the finale during masquerade
-Red Death double doesn’t run down the stairs, he stays at the top
-Giry/Raoul exchange after masquerade–both holding the lantern and super closeup
-Reyer is clearly gay–coded. Some voice and hand gestures during Sitzprobe
-Wishing–only one “help me say goodbye” (when did the second one get added?)
-”Far-reaching” gaze, Wandering Child is a duet
-Piangi says “conquest” is assured (at some point, this became “congress”)
-Michael Crawford imitates Piangi until “past the point…”
-Sarah as Christine is listening intently to Phantom’s voice and immediately noticed something is off–she doesn’t figure it out right away but she notices something. She is suspicious the entire time. It's not clear when she knows for certain.
-Christine never flees from him, during the first caresses, he hovers over her body, she turns to kiss him, he turns away, her hand lingers on her back, before she gets up to sing her solo part away from the table
-Michael Crawford’s hands are in in his crotch when Christine’s singing on the other side of the stage (“you have come here”)--he’s moving his palms in his lap the whole time, his hands are shaking, we only get glimpses of him, most of this part it’s focused on her
-There is none of the arm waving circling while their hands are held, she takes his hands, he switches his grip to hold one of hers, and they keep them on him
-She figures it out when she reaches down–she’s holding his hands above him and she pushes her left (our right) hand down and he pulls and she notices something–we can only see to his upper waist but her hand disappears and her expression changes, it’s implied he has an erection
-she doesn’t ever feel the mask, either accidentally or on purpose
-She doesn’t actually ever try to escape. It’s not the current West End or the past blocking–but more accurate in that she is aware of the situation and plays along. She keeps going with the blocking
-they both get up and keep singing, neither drags the other to the centre, they move together and keep singing
-The last “return”--he sings it at the unhooding, she doesn’t
-”Say you’ll share with me”--he is really pleading and almost crying on “say you want me”
-The managers don’t come out to try to usher her offstage, she doesn’t signal to them to stay
-When Phantom gives her the ring, she takes it, but doesn’t put it on–she just holds it
-He doesn’t scream at the unmasking, he just looks shocked and sad
-Ratcatcher order is different–it’s after Raoul and Giry’s first lines, that’s the indication that Giry needs to turn around, Giry screams
-Phantom is crying at “flesh” and through “unfeeling scrap of clothing”, he’s also hunched over through this sequence, and then stands to his full height at “Pity comes too late.”
-Phantom makes a big show of raising the portcullis, hands fully raised
-Raoul swats at Erik with one hand (the other is still on the noose) when Phantom grabs Christine on “start a new life”
-Phantom is probably the “minimum” amount of rough as we see Phantoms be with Christine in this sequence, as in, he’s definitely scary and menacing but he’s not harming her. He does grab her and spin her around on “start a new life with me.” There are a few wrist grabs (which is book accurate). He’s realizing more that his plan is absolutely crumbling. We get some shots of him on the organ looking panicked.
-Phantom makes a low growling noise before “you try my patience”, which is delivered quickly and almost casually. It is not menacing as some later Phantoms do.
-”Pitiful creature”..MC’s hand is subtly shaking by his side
-The kiss: the 1st one MC stands with “claw hands” at his side, on the second one, the “claw hands” start shaking
-MC hunches over after he burns the noose
-He stands over the monkey, conducting it with one hand, he is mimicking the symbol clashes, he doesn’t touch it or cover its face
-When Christine returns the ring, his hand shakes as he takes it, he’s hunched over again.
-She does seem conflicted about leaving, but she doesn’t press her hand back around his, she holds out the ring and his hand shakes as she takes it. She doesn’t linger very long.
-He says a second “I love you” after she’s gone.
-He’s about to say it a third time, he says “I love…” and then see the veil, and grabs it and screams into it, and then turns and sees the boat leaving
-He sobs and keens a lot
-Raoul bends in the boat to caress Christine’s face on “say the word”)--this is halfway across the stage as opposed to during the stage right exit.
-Deliberately cracks voice on the "can" in “you alone can make”
-MC Cradling the veil like a baby at the very end
SEND ME YOUR QUESTIONS! You can put it in comments, reblogs, AMA or DM's. I will answer all of them on January 26!
#phantom of the opera#poto#poto broadway#original poto#michael crawford#sarah brightman#steve barton#cris groenendaal#the phantom#christine daae#raoul de chagny#alw phantom#proshot#toft archive#YOU GUYS I SAW THE PHANTOM BROADWAY PROSHOT#POTO Broadway never should have closed
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logging back onto this website to say that while i dont think (???) it was intentionally done, the scene before their "last day" where frank is working on a portrait of bill, reminded me of keith haring's "unfinished painting"
comparison here before i explain:
keith haring's painting was purposely made to look incomplete. haring was diagnosed with HIV in late 1988, and died in early 1990, at the age of 31. the painting is a self portrait, hitting us with the gut-punch reality of how the aids-epidemic robbed haring of the right to finish his own story. the overwhelming amount of empty space is a glaring reminder that haring didn't just have a short life, he had an incomplete one. the piece points to all that empty space and says: this should have been filled out. this should all have been my art, my story, and my space. by claiming this empty space, haring claimed the empty space of his unlived life, that was taken from him and so many other people, by a negligent and homophobic society that refused to care about the pandemic ravaging an entire community worldwide.
now back to my original point: like i said, im really not sure if this was intentionally done by the show. but when i was watching this episode and i saw this scene, i immediately thought of this painting. the blue color of the eye trailing off onto the blank part of the canvas is, at least to me, a strong visual parallel.
and i feel like this visual parallel highlights some very important thematic parallels as well, which deserve to be talked about. in the show, the outbreak starts in 2003 which means that bill and frank have both lived through the aids-epidemic. they have seen people like them die. they have experienced the hatred and isolation that came with it. you could speculate and read into things ad nauseaum, but i thinks it's safe to say that in this place and time, this also plays into how careful and hesitant they are, when they first start to show intimacy with each other. in their world, they didn't even get to experience the legalization of gay marriage.
seeing as this show takes place during another, fictional, pandemic, airing at a time where the real world has just faced another actual pandemic, it is impossible to ignore this aspect of their story.
these two characters however, are not destroyed by the outbreak in the show. they find each other, they experience freedom, love, and a full life together. their life is not cut short.
in an absurd twist of fate, when the rest of the world is finally forced to experience what it's like to be abandoned by your government during a devastating epidemic, this is when these two people find happiness. they get to go running, and have fights, and grow strawberries, and have friends over for dinner.
and after spending nearly twenty years together, frank spends his last time working not on a self portrait, but on a portrait of bill, the love of his life. this is the sort of thing that rightfully should have filled the empty space of haring's work. finding love(s) spending your time together, that is a life lived.
and yet frank's painting is unfinished, because of course we are never truly done living. we are never truly done loving. but he got so much more time, so much more story, than the people we lost to the aids epidemic, which the trailing off blue paint reminds us of.
at the same time their house is absolute filled with all the paintings that frank did finish, showing us all the good days he got with bill. and in a way, i feel like that is the show being very aware of what it is: a complete, beautiful story about two men loving each other, in a world that sorely lacks these stories. a world where we had so many unfinished, incomplete lives, that we lack an entire generation of older gay men.
and even though i was completely reduced to tears by the end of this episode, the ending still filled me with some sort of mournful joy. because yes, even though it was incredibly sad to see their last day, these two men got to fill so much of their empty space. they got to experience love, and they got to live their life. like bill says: "im old. im satisfied. and you were purpose."
so many people didn't get that. keith haring didn't get that. a whole generation of queer people didn't get that. that makes this episode so much more moving for me, because it is not just an incredibly beautiful love story, but it is an incredibly beautiful love story that the world should rightfully have seen millions more of. but all those lives were incomplete.
so with the undeniable, but unspoken, presence of the aids epidemic in the narrative of these characters, this visual reference to keith haring and aids, purposeful or not, is incredibly meaningful.
#alright bye i just had to write all this down!!#tlou spoilers#tlou#the last of us#the last of us hbo#tlou hbo#bill and frank#the last of us episode 3
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How To Have a Good Beta Reading Experience (or: what I've learned from 3 years of beta reading)
So lately I've been having a lot of discussions about beta reading with my discord groups so I thought I would write it out here and also share some resources I've used over the years.
This is mostly by and for writers, however readers can learn from this post as well!
DISCLAIMER: I'm by no means a writing expert, but I have been either beta reading others' books, or having my own stories beta read consistently since 2020.
THIS IS ALL PERSONAL EXPERIENCE/OPINION. Others may agree or disagree ❤️
Here are the main points I'm going to talk about in this post, and I'll do it under the cut to save your dash space:
Understanding Alpha vs. Beta Readers
Choosing Readers
Being Clear About Feedback
Swapping / Compensation
The Importance of Writing Community/Groups
Websites/Resources for Finding Beta Readers
1. Understanding Alphas vs. Betas
So this is extremely important and for me, this may be the difference between me finishing your book or not. Many times, especially from new writers who had never had anyone read their work before, had extremely rough drafts that were barely coherent and were NOT beta ready, but asked me to beta read. I am not a person who can look past extensive grammar errors, nor am I the kind of person who will sit and fix all your grammar line-by-line for you.
Alpha Readers - for first/second drafts
Beta Readers - for polished drafts
It is ok for alpha reads to be unpolished and have grammar issues, and it's even ok if they have plot issues, continuity errors, etc. Because alpha readers are there for that purpose: to be the first eyes on your story and help you find and fix those issues.
The issue I have had over and over, though, is people asking for a beta reader when what they really needed was an alpha. I went in expecting a polished draft and got someone's Draft 0. In some cases, I got 100k drafts where the writer obviously had no idea how to format dialogue grammar and every single dialogue was wrong. Obviously this made me slow and in many cases, unable to finish.
Alpha readers will go in expecting it to be unpolished, and will be prepared to look past grammar/stylistic errors in order to focus on the big picture issues (plot holes, character consistency, pacing/engagement issues, etc). A Beta may be too frustrated by an unpolished draft to finish it or provide the feedback you're looking for. If you have been experiencing a lot of betas backing out and not finishing your work, you might consider this as a possible reason why.
I would also recommend, if you have never had anyone read your work before, even if you have had multiple drafts, it might be safest to ask for alphas rather than betas.
A quick way to see if your work is beta ready (again, personal experience): Pick up a published book from the shelf in your genre. Does your book read similarly? Does your formatting & grammar look the same?
Bonus: read it out loud! If reading the published book out loud is significantly easier than reading yours out loud, you're probably in the alpha stage.
TL;DR: Understand your draft and which level of reader your draft is ready for. Know the difference between polished and unpolished, and be upfront about it.
2. Choosing Alphas/Betas
You may not like it but: Just because someone is your friend, real life or online, does not mean they will make a good reader for you.
#1 MOST IMPORTANT: GET READERS WHO LIKE & REGULARLY READ YOUR GENRE!
I cannot stress this enough. As someone who writes vampire content, I cannot begin to express to you the amount of useless comments I got from readers who had clearly never read a vampire book in their life.
You need someone who is familiar with your genre and you likes your synopsis/blurb.
Caveat: that said, I did find a few great betas who had never read vampire content before and gave awesome feedback. However, these readers knew and admitted they knew nothing about the paranormal genre, and because of that did not make any comments on worldbuilding, instead sticking to plot and character development only. Some readers can't make this separation.
Another thing I would recommend, especially if you are swapping or the beta reader is also a writer/on writeblr, I would recommend reading their writing before having them beta read. If you read their excerpts and see that it's really unpolished or a style that's vastly different than yours, that might change whether you want them to read for you.
In my most recent beta round, I used a google form to do a quick survey to see who was interested in beta reading. This worked really well for me and I would recommend it! You can also use this to make all potential readers agree to not share/distribute/plagiarize your work, so you have it in writing just in case someone were to try something.
This was also a great way to see which genres they usually read and how many times they have beta read in the past!
TL;DR: Get readers who LIKE your genre. Read their writing and see how they write. Use an online signup form to narrow down.
3. Be Clear About The Type of Feedback You Want
This is perhaps the second most important thing when you get readers. Many readers will shy away from reading your work if you have nothing in mind for them to look out for. Also, being clear about this shows that you 1) know it isn't perfect and needs work and 2) you have insight into what the issues already are.
For Alphas, these traits are what I have found to be the most helpful:
Immediate inline reactions - particularly emotional engagement and pointing out lines that resonated with them
NO grammar/stylistic comments (unless incomprehensible)
Questioning of worldbuilding, character decisions, and character development - particularly if confusing or unclear
Comments on action sequences & their readability
Comments on believability of the plot points/progression
For Betas, these are what have been most helpful to me:
Comments on grammar, especially if repetitive
Stylistic comments, particularly for over-used words or noticeably repetitive sentence structures
Comments on pacing
Comments on plot initiation point and buildup/execution of the climax
Not questioning my worldbuilding/plot and trusting that what I have written is intentional. Only pointing out areas that have on-page evidence of inconsistencies.
Everything above is simply personal preference. You might find other comments to be better for alphas/betas. However, being upfront about which comments you want or don't want can drastically change which people want to read for you!
Some readers are obsessed with in-depth inline grammar/style comments, some aren't at all. Some writers LOVE these in-depth grammar comments, and some don't. Being clear about what you want is the best way to make sure you and your readers are compatible for the stage of editing you're at.
4. Swapping / Compensation
So this one I might have a bit of an unpopular opinion, but I wanted to cover it because so many people talk about it on here and other sites.
Again, based on my personal experience, swapping and compensation does not mean you're going to get better feedback or have a better experience or relationship with readers.
For the record, for everyone who beta reads for me—and finishes—I always offer to read theirs, even if it's a genre I don't like.
Personally, I have never tried compensation (re: money) for beta readers. However, there are a few issues I've come across with swapping:
Mine was beta ready and theirs was unpolished first draft
Our types of feedback didn't align
Our genre preferences didn't align
Their feedback was nowhere near as high quality or constructive as mine
In these cases, one or both of us burnt out on reading the others' work, and then we'd both bail. Especially with #4, it was very disheartening for me to spend hours finding their plot holes, helping them come up with ways to fix them, for them to then write 1 paragraph about what they thought of my story that was extremely surface level. To me, that wasn't even a swap, and was practically worthless. There was even one who got sensitive about the feedback I was providing (which was a queer sensitivity read) and then left almost identical comments on my story, which weren't even relevant. It was like revenge-commenting.
All this to say: I have had positive experiences with swaps. My alpha for twtr was a swap and I really enjoy her work and she enjoys mine, and we will probably continue to swap forever.
This goes back to #2 above: be picky & choose your readers well. Your story is your baby, and it deserves to be critiqued by people who value you and your story, and want to help you make it the best possible version of itself.
To summarize, I have had two good swapping experiences. I have had 10+ good uncompensated betas—with an offer for me to read their stuff when it's ready. Do with that what you will.
5. Writing Community / Groups
On to a more positive note! I have had the best experience here on writeblr, and this is coming from someone who has tried multiple other communities (which I discuss in the last section below). Having my own discord server from tumblr, joining a few other writers' discord servers, has completely changed the game regarding finding consistent betas, more resources, and just having an overall much more positive time writing and editing.
Writeblr keeps me grounded, keeps me hopeful, and even if I share something that doesn't get tons of notes, it's so nice to have interaction. It's so nice to give and get back, consistently.
I do want to emphasize the importance of giving to get back. If no one is liking/interacting with your excerpts, tag/ask games, etc. then that's probably because you're not interacting with them! It's very important to show interest in other people's work!!
I'm not saying you need to jump onto everyone's taglists for all their wips, but join the ones that genuinely interest you the most. Play in ask/tag games consistently. Follow writers back who follow you (if they post things you're interested in, ofc).
I have the same amount of followers as the people I follow right now, and I think that goes to show that people reciprocate here on writeblr! It's a lovely community and don't be afraid to reach out ❤️
I have found almost ALL my recent betas from my tumblr and discord groups. They have been lovely so far and I would highly recommend building up community here if you are interested in finding betas.
6. Websites/Resources for Finding Betas
Alright, last section. Thanks for bearing with me. I'm going to go through the sites I have used, and why I still use them, or why I dropped them.
Scribophile
So, for starters, this is one I don't use anymore. This was the site I first used when I had a polished draft in 2020 and had no idea how to get feedback. Essentially, they have a point-system. The more comments you make, the more points you get, and then when you have 3 points, you can post a chapter. It continues in a cycle.
Pros: Personally, I think the site helped me a lot in realizing what a bad critique looks like (which is helpful!) and also helped me learn which comments/feedback types work for me, and which don't. I don't regret my time there by any means, and I found one life-long friend and beta reader there I wouldn't trade for the world. It also allows you to post/remove your story and the readers don't have direct access to it—meaning if they want to download/steal/plagiarize, they'd have to copy and paste or screenshot chapter by chapter. It's a little safety precaution.
Cons: It's not the best place to get constructive feedback. The issue with their system is it encourages quantity over quality in critiques. Because of that, you'll get strangers rewriting your entire chapter in their own style so they get 2-3 points for one critique, but... was any of it actually helpful to you? Maybe, maybe not. It's also random, so you can't control who comments on your stuff, and they might just comment to get points even if they hate your genre. I also don't think it's fair to have to do 3-5 chapter critiques in order to save up enough points to post ONE chapter of your own. And if you want to post your story for full beta reads and control who reads it and who doesn't, you have to subscribe monthly.
So I keep an eye on it occasionally to look through their forums on writing, agents, publishing, etc. But most of the forums gets nasty, because there are a lot of really pretentious writers who think they know all the rules. If you join small groups (e.g. sub-groups based on diversity, etc) they tend to have better and more meaningful discussions.
Personally, I would never use it for beta/alpha/feedback ever again. This is the site where most of my bad swaps came from. But you might find it useful! So I thought I would share it.
Nanowrimo Forums
This is another one I don't use anymore, but might consider reusing in the future. The biggest issue I have with nanowrimo is that a lot, and I mean A LOT, of these participants are first-time writers and have no concept of what polished vs. unpolished even means. I did find two really good swaps there (actually the only two good full swaps I've had) but those were very hard to find.
There is also the issue that a good chunk of them only write during November, not year round. So for finding consistent, year-long partners, this is not the best option. I'm a member of 2 discords that have all fallen silent as soon as Nano actually ended.
Also, in my experience, asking questions about anything related to "controversial" topics (especially trans and minority ethnic groups) becomes toxic very quick, which is unfortunate. There are even a few moderators who seem to be contributing to the toxic/immature discussions rather than fixing them/shutting them down, which is the main reason I stopped using it.
However, it's a GREAT place to get free, simple covers! Their artisan section is fantastic and there are a lot of people there willing to make basic covers/banners for you for free.
BetaBooks
I've only been using this one about a month so far, but I'm really liking it. It's set up that you can invite betas to your story specifically, or you can look through a beta reader library, read their profiles, and invite them to see if they're interested.
This is essentially an alternative to Scribophile. It allows you to post your story online and find betas and become a beta.
Why I like it better than Scribophile: it's not a point-based system, meaning it's uncompensated so the readers have nothing to gain other than enjoying/helping your story. There's no hard feelings if someone bails. It allows you to see all comments in one place (which Scrib can't do). (And with discount codes found through google, it's cheaper, too. Message me if you need help with this 👀)
It also is all online, easily removable, so readers would have to copy/paste or screenshot chapter-by-chapter to steal it. So again, just a little safety net that makes me feel better.
Writeblr
Yep, that's right. Right here. Actually right here on tumblr has been where I have found the most beta readers and in the shortest time. I talked about this in the section before so I won't regurgitate. But there's a reason why this community is so long-lasting. It really is the best one out there I've found.
TL;DR / IN CONCLUSION:
Know where your book is in terms of reader-readiness. Know the difference between alphas/betas and polished/unpolished. Know the types of feedback that work for you and specifically request it when recruiting betas.
Interact with a community. Give interaction in order to receive, and don't expect people to reblog/like your content if you don't reach out first. Join small, niche writing community discords. Find like-minded writers.
Decide to swap or not, but this won't make or break you.
There are many writing communities out there designed to help you not only find betas, to provide beta-reading feedback forms and commentary. Try them out and see what works best for you.
And above all, thank Writeblr for being such a lovely community ❤️
#writeblr#writblr#writers on tumblr#writeblr community#writerblr#writer community#writing community#novel writing#beta readers#fantasy writing#wtwcommunity#mj posts#mj mumbles#mj talks about beta reading#100#300#500
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Screaming into a void time (another long one, sorry)...
Ok, I have tolerated these shenanigans with the Boston bonehead and his merry band of clout chasers and liars, watching his soul decay while everyone (including me) debated whether he was married or not, how many ceremonies they had, how they traveled and where they lived (and was it even their ugly-ass house in MA or NY) but I have to lay down some cold hard truths for our anxiety riddled pothead.
Your decisions, forced or not, have led you to this horrid point. Your only choices may have been between a turd sandwich and a giant douche (thanks, South Park) but you made that choice. And something tells me you didn't just come to this point out of nowhere. There were probably a string of missed lessons along the way that painted you into such a corner.
I know you may be fragile right now but you need to hear this as I suspect you are not hearing it from your loser friends or listening to the ones who do have your best interest at heart.
You are teetering on the ragged edge, my friend. I just saw the first trailer for Pain Hustlers and I can see why they released it only a week and a half before it is in the theaters- because Netflix wants to bury it. Another in a long line of duds your team should have been adept at steering you clear from. You better hope the strike last long enough to where Red One has to be postponed until next year, otherwise you will pull off the hat trick of working your ass off on three movies that have showcased how little anyone cares (you or the audience). I could be wrong about Red One, but this was filmed during your fugue state where the real Chris disappeared and was replaced with a stoned automaton who had no problem selling out everything he believed in. Not conducive to the best creative energy.
Well, buddy, it is time to wake up. You are aware of what is going on in the world, right? You used to have a website that cared about this stuff. Too bad you couldn't use this time off from the strike to pour into that instead of pretending to get married to a woman you refuse to touch or even sit near, breadcrumming two weddings by leveraging the poor boundaries you have established with your family and friends and giving the worst interview to GQ, making you look like a tone deaf, moronic, pretentious asshole.
You need to separate yourself from these racist, anti-semites NOW. While some outside the fandom are starting to notice, it will catch on like a house on fire if you aren't careful. Remember how easy it was for the fandom to find out all this shit about them last year? And now look at what is going on outside. Hamas is a terrorist organization who wants nothing more than to have Jews exterminated from the planet. And here in the US, we have someone vying to be Speaker of the House (second in line for the Presidency) who describes himself as "David Duke without the baggage"; you remember David Duke, right? You used to stand up to him before you were made to look like a fucking joke).
There is no such thing as a little bit racist, or a little bit antisemetic, and for all intents and purposes, you married one, with all her "baggage". Certificate or no certificate; pictures or no pictures. This isn't one of those things that you can claim plausible deniability. You are in it. And if you think your privlege can save you, maybe it can, but I doubt it. It may not have happened yet, but the Sword of Damocles is hanging just above your head.
It comes down to the difference between intent and impact. No one really believes this has been your intent, but that matters little to those impacted by your actions. I know you have "cyclical unhappiness" when you think about the small stuff too much, but too bad. There is no way to take yourself out of the equation. You are not a used car lot balloon, who frantically moves every which way until the air is let out and deflates into nothing. You are a grown human being and like all of us, have a responsibility to understand your place in the universe. Otherwise, you are just stepping over bodies with such carelessness- the teacher in Portugal who only thought she was supporting a charity, your friends trying to promote one of your crappy movies, only to have it derailed by your drama backstage, fans getting harassed and even receiving death threats for speaking the truth we see with our own eyes. You may not be doing these things with your own hands, but that does not absolve your responsibility.
As I said before, this is your time to wake up. Coming clean with pure heart and honesty is the only solution at this point. If you wait too long or dig your heals in, like we have seen before, it will be too late. Do you think Jinx will want to partner with an antisemite loving dog dad? What studio will hire you, even for your one movie a year? Based on your crappy decision making skills, I have a feeling any pottery you sell will be break even with the amount of pot you smoke. So invest wisely and I hope your accountants are more trustworthy than the rest of the people you have surrounded yourself with.
Now, I am actually a very kind person who for some reason is still rooting for you. I still think there is a good person buried deep in there. These are rare and may be why I can't give up just yet.
You have the con this weekend. I know you can't promote Captain America, but think back to what he stood for. You even referenced him and how you aimed to be more like him in that god forsaken GQ video. So do it, you dummy! You will feel much better when your soul is unburdened. Then follow the advise I and many others have given before:
Get a good therapist and do the work
Decide if you really want to act or not; if so, take some classes to shake the cobwebs off; If not, are you going to be ok giving up the perks?
Don't use weed as a crutch
Establish clear boundaries with family and friends
Remove relationships (personal and professional) that are no longer serving you or even doing you harm
Listen to what your head and the universe is telling you
Do not get into a relationship until you have an idea of who you are and at least get to the "like" stage
To quote Florence and the Machine (Wish That You Were Here):
And now I'm reaching out with every note I sing
And I hope it gets to you on some pacific wind
Wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear
Tells you that I miss you and I wish that you were here
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VPNs aren't just for pirates and company data anymore
A friend complained to me that they couldn't access pr0n anymore because the government is now requiring ID to verify age where they are, and due to data leaks and privacy issues, didn't want to share their ID even though they're of legal age.
Shit like this doesn't work on the intended target. It only frustrates people who are aren't tech savvy while a lot of kids have already found their way around it because that's what kids do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
When I talk about VPNs (virtual private networks), non-tech savvy people's eyes glaze over 😂
It sounds like complicated, unknowable magic. It's not! And you don't even have to understand it to use it!
With the government and ISPs (internet service providers) invading privacy more and more and hackers breaking in and stealing user data from companies, VPNs are becoming necessary.
Some Things a VPN Does for You:
hides your data from others
can make your internet speeds faster if your ISP does speed throttling (purposely making your speed slower)
hides what you're doing from your ISP
keeps you safer from some malware, viruses, hackers, and trackers
allows you to access things that are either restricted in your area or not available in your area (such as content in other countries)
keeps you safer when you're out in public connected to wifi
Below is a basic infographic on how VPNs work. When you access the internet, a VPN encrypts your data - making it into a secret code that can't be read by anyone else including your ISP.
Tech companies, ISPs, etc. want you to think VPNs are complicated so that you won't use them.
When searching for a free VPN, please be aware that a lot of the free VPN services out there are malware or full of viruses and trackers.
Either do some research into which one to choose or use a paid VPN service. You can either pay monthly or yearly - the yearly is always cheaper in the long run.
Some of the Top Rated VPN Services:
ExpressVPN $7 - $13/month
NordVPN $3 - $13/month
Surfshark $2 - $14/month
PrivateInternetAccess $2 - $12/month
ProtonVPN (some sites block this one) $4 - $10/month
CyberGhost $2 - $13/month
I use ExpressVPN, so for the purposes of this post, I'm going to use screenshots from ExpressVPN.
Once you have an account, download the program from the website to your desktop/laptop or find the app on Android or iOS app stores.
Signing in requires a code that the VPN will email to you that unlocks all the features. Pay attention when the program installs because it'll ask you about preferences, and you can easily check yes on blocking pr0n when that's the reason you wanted a VPN in the first place 😂
When the program is open, you'll see this:
As you can see in the screenshot, not only do I have the program, but I have an ExpressVPN icon on my browser. The program installs this automatically, and when the program is running, the icon will have a green checkmark on it so you know it's working in your browser.
You'll notice I've recently connected using Japan. I did this so I could watch a series that isn't available outside of Japan.
The program automatically chooses a location near you, but if you want to access things that are restricted to you, make sure you click on the three dots to the right of the selected location (see screenshot below) and search for a state/country/place that your content will be available in.
Once your location is selected, click on the start/power button, and you'll get a popup notification from your computer that ExpressVPN is connected.
Go to the site you want to use and use it like you normally would.
Here's what it should look like when it's running correctly:
Keep in mind that if you leave a VPN running all the time (which is perfectly fine to do), search engines like Google will assume you live wherever ExpressVPN tells it you live, so searching for "stores near me" will give you results that aren't close to you.
When you're done using the VPN, just hit the power button again and it shuts off.
I use this on all my handheld devices, my desktop, and my laptop for business and personal reasons. I'm a pirate, and I've been using VPNs for a long time, yet none of the ISPs I've used have ever given me a warning about torrenting.
Good luck, and enjoy all the new things you can access!
BTW for anybody wondering, my desktop wallpaper is a map of the world's time zones. So pretty!! 😍
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The thing is - okay, let's humor Matt and say, fine, your story is 100% true. There was a popular user who got banned after being mass-reported and upon review of their (which I use in this intro paragraph because we're pretending for the sake of argument that it could have been anyone and gender played no role in this whatsoever) account, it was found that - oops, the post that got attacked was totally innocuous, BUT they ALSO did do some other stuff that was very much a bannable offense.
The actions and statement I would make in that situation are probably along the lines of:
"Thank you for reaching out with your concerns. We reviewed the case, and unfortunately, it's a fairly complicated one.
We've verified her [because I would, you know, fucking check what pronouns everyone uses] claims of harassment, and have taken action against the parties involved, including penalizing the blogs that were involved in the false reporting campaign and restoring the content that was taken down erroneously.
Unfortunately, upon review of the account, we did find multiple abusive messages to and about other users that were in violation of our terms of service. Because of this, we cannot in good conscience restore the account. The user has been made aware of the specifics of these violations, and if she would like to sign up again without engaging in this behavior, she is free to do so.
We are aware that this case was a very frustrating and difficult one for many people, and we apologize for the stress it has caused our community. We are constantly working to solve the open problem of content moderation systems being abused in the way we have witnessed here, and appreciate your feedback when something goes wrong, not least of all because we recognize the severity and the discriminatory nature of targeted harassment campaigns such as the ones faced by this user. If you see something similar happening, please don't be afraid to reach out, nor to use our reporting system for its proper purpose.
Thank you for using [WEBSITE]."
I would NOT-
Insist on keeping the fully SFW photos down because well the user DID have SOMETHING to get banned over so that's BASICALLY the same thing
Change my justification from "well she posted NSFW" - "I mean she THREATENED me LOOK!" [Looney Toons imagine spot] - "I mean she threatened and harassed me AND other users, really, I swear I have it right this time!"
Threaten to call the fucking FBI on someone over cartoon violence imagine spots posted for justified frustration with my website's moderation speed
Misgender/degender the user in question over multiple iterations until "well I'm just not SURE what that user goes by despite everyone and their grandma telling me in no uncertain terms 🥺" runs out of plausible deniability
DM the user's friends to insist that they just don't know the full story and really she was an awful person you gotta believe me
Go completely scorched earth on the user, past, present, and future
Continue to go on a days-long tirade about how no one UNDERSTANDS and no one has the full picture and refuse to provide even the slightest additional detail, expecting that if I just keep talking I'll find a way to please everyone
Admit that I believed there was no war in Ba Sing Se problem with arbitrary to bigoted harassment and the moderation system being too slow and overburdened to mitigate it at best and used to assist with it at worst until I was personally inconvenienced by the matter, despite the entirety of my marginalized userbase saying there was a problem since before I even took over the site and my predecessors having been under a legally binding agreement to fix it to the best of their ability which I then inherited
Choose THAT moment to say that yes there was at one point a rogue mod who got fired (partially because I or someone else representing the site would probably have made a statement about that AT THE TIME)
Threaten to delete the entire site over it
FOLLOW THE USER TO OTHER WEBSITES TO CONTINUE HARASSING HER
Otherwise shave years off my lawyers' lives
And okay. Sure. I'm no professional. In fact, someone who is a professional could probably draft a better version of that statement. If I were a professional, maybe I, too, would struggle to get it even this close to right under the stresses of trying to manage a website with more than maybe 200 users-
But that's WHY I don't manage a site at this scale. Because I know that I'm personally not cut out for that. Which is a level of self-awareness that more people in the online communications platform business sorely fucking need.
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The Hush House Card Catalogue
@baja-blasted @terephin (please ignore the crabs)
//So the software I'm using to keep track of my books, lore bits, etc. is called Seatable! It wasn't my first choice for this project, I'm more familiar with Airtable (I've used it professionally), but Airtable's free plan doesn't let you color-code :c
//Seatable is a website that looks a lot like google sheets, but instead of building a spreadsheet, you're building a database. I knew I wanted a database rather than a spreadsheet for my card catalogue because it became pretty apparent early on that a spreadsheet would mean a lot of duplicate entries and be a lot more work to maintain, as well as monumentally more work if I wanted to use it for reference.
//My database isn't finished, and so I'm not really comfortable making it public, but I'm happy to walk through some of the things that I like most about it, that made me choose to make a database rather than a spreadsheet.
//The main things that were really important to me was being able to have (and filter by) multiple items in the same column, having lots of cross-linking between the different sheets in the base, and having different views depending on what I was looking to reference.
//These are my different tables right now, and the way they work is that each table has the most detailed information on each item, e.g. Books has the most detail on books, and Skills has the most detail on skills. But I have columns in each table that allow me to crosslink between them.
//So for each book, I have listed the skill and memory they give, but instead of writing each out individually it links to the corresponding entry in skills/memories
//And then over in the memories tab it has all the detail on the aspects, which wisdoms it can be committed to...
//...and every book this skill can be found in and every item it can be used to craft. And those boxes can be expanded so they're easier to read as well!
//I can also group and sort things in different views. My default view for books, for example, splits them into two categories—whether I've read the book or not—and then sorts the books in each category alphabetically. But I also have one that groups them all by mystery and then sorts them from low to high, and I have another that groups them by topic. Each of these views also omits columns that aren't relevant to that particular view, for example, if I'm searching for books by mystery to give to a visitor, it's important to know the author because it's fun to give people books they themselves have written, but I don't really care about what memories that book gives, or when I'm trying to connect lore dots, it doesn't matter whether or not the book is cursed and I don't need to include books I haven't read yet (and thus don't have topic tags for). The rows on the topic one are also bigger so I can better read the blurbs.
//Well, the topic one actually groups by location, because when I group it by topic, it splits it into every combination of my topic tags, rather that giving me "here are all your books about the mansus" "here are all your books about Longs and Names" so I've stored them all in different places in the house depending on what books I think are relevant to one another.
//It's still in progress, I don't have everything written down yet, and I want more data for workbenches, and I want to try and see if there's a way for it to, say, auto-match skills/souls to workbenches for committing to the tree or crafting certain recipes. Also my color-coding is in shambles bc I'm waiting for a friend to recover from covid so that they can make me a greasemonkey script to make it a little less... corporate...
//But yeah! I like it a lot, and it works really well for my purposes. I highly recommend trying it out, and I'm happy to answer questions!
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Most women your age are getting married and starting their families and you've never even had a bf 🤡 it's so over for you better get used to coping with ur crippling loneliness with maladaptive daydreaming, yandere asmr videos, drugs and self-insert fanfic because that's all you'll ever have now. Your youth is gone and you're still fat af even after you lost weight (probably gained it all back by now lmao). You could have made something of urself whem you were 20 by losing weight and going to college but instead you laid around and wasted all of your youth and now it's too late. No man will ever want to deal with your baggage of being poor, old, unwanted, uneducated (lmao how do I have more education than you and I'm 10 years younger? dumbass doesnt even have her GED), cringey age-inappropriate hobbies, mentally ill and not even having the decency to go to therapy and take meds, fat, ugly face, loser and loner with no irl friends, crazy family, looking old for your age, whored yourself out on a sugar daddy website, rotten teeth due to your own laziness, thinning frizzy hair and gross bulky glasses, drug addicted alcoholic who's probably going to be homeless for the majority of her life, mean person attacking minor aged rape victims like jesus christ you're so fucking worthless SO many red flags so much baggage no-one will ever want to deal with that. You don't even know how worthless you are
You know, every time you send me a message like this, I think of the person from your friend group who came forward a while back. You know, the one you don't like to acknowledge tried to apologize on your behalf. Anyways, every time you insult my appearance I just think of what your friend said
So i get it sweetie, youre mad at mommy and daddy and you're lashing out. That's why half the time you're repeating things i previously said back to me and parroting shallow insults with a very small vocabulary. The second i call you fatherless, you call me fatherless. I use thw word maladaptive and, suddenly you know that word too and juat HAVE to use it as well. I get it. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
You're honestly just making yourself look so pitiable. You realize you've already painted yourself as such a dumb jackass that every single time you do this I basically just laugh and ignore you, and then people who know me and are friends or WANT TO be friends with me see how you treat me publicly and they all say "yeah wow who's this absolutely demonic little cunt acting like this without any reason". Like. What is the end goal here. Making yourself look as petty and stupid as possible. Meanwhile, what did someone else in your friend group say? The ones you lied to? Including Callie, the actual victim whose trauma you're basically trying to appropriate for yourself
Anyways yeah I just wanted to like show you the actual screenshots of the conversation I had with your friend back in June, which also to everyone else, yeah June, that's when she lied to her own friends and said she would stop doing this. She lied to her friends because all of them told her this was making them massively uncomfortable, so now she's. Being an internet troll in secret behind their backs 😂 they were going to tattle on you to your mom so you lied so they wouldn't check tumblr anymore because you're such a weird angry little freak that this has become a hobby for you
I'm sad? I'M sad? I don't even know your fucking name meanwhile you've scrolled through all of my blogs repeatedly for months cataloging details about me for the sheer purpose of trying to poorly insult me.
Like genuinely 90% of the reason I'm answering this is to basically wave a flag saying "hey everyone if you've ever seen or received weird asks of photoshopped porn of me or pictures of my actual family taken from their facebooks or saw the transphobic racist fake dating profile she made with one of my selfies or you ever received a bitch lasagna or Zalgo text, it was this cringey little lolcow right here"
But I also wanted to show you screenshot proof that you make your own friends super uncomfortable and that they started talking about your personal business to defend me over you. So. Yeah I guess that stings huh?
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A little guide on how to use Lolibrary to research for handmade lolita fashion:
We've talked about EGL coord mood boards, where you collect a bunch of images that you think will help you communicate your ideas and surround you with inspiration. When you're asking for help with lolita ideas, presenting a mood board immediately lets everyone know a lot about what you're trying to make and the route you're trying to take to get there.
I also use the technique for researching as well, but you have to approach the process of what exactly you put on the board slightly differently.
For example, today I wanted to make a skirt for a friend. I know that this friend wears a lot of sweet lolita, and a lot of Angelic Pretty. I also knew what fabric I had. So, off we go to Lolibrary. If you're new and you've never been there, it's your new favorite website. It documents lolita fashion history and it's such a powerful resource that I don't think any other fashion out there has.
Lolibrary has a very elaborate search system. When I'm looking for advice on how to construct something, I like to put in search parameters so that I have a like 15-30 pages to look through. You want it specific enough that you're looking for the thing you're looking for, but not so specific that there's only four results.
In this case, I knew I wanted something inspired by Angelic Pretty, and I knew it was going to be a skirt. So, that's our search terms, and we get about 30 pages of results. If you don't have 15+ pages of results, you're probably going to want to widen your search a little. You can specify multiple categories like "Skirt, JSK, OP, or Salopette" which will find you results that are any of the four in there. You can search Angelic Pretty but also Baby the Stars Shine Bright and MAM. You are researching, so you need to have enough results to research.
Right now, we're differing from a mood board in that we are not collecting things that we want. We are looking at what exists.
So here I have a whole page of skirts. We now need to narrow it down into skirts that sort of look like skirts made with the fabric like the fabric we have. Wow, that's a sentence.
So now, in a background tab, I open every single result that looks like it was made with fabric with a similar fabric to mine. In my case, it was all-over prints of a certain size. And I just keep going. I'm not even looking at the skirts yet. I'm just opening tabs.
Once I have like 60+ tabs open and Firefox is questioning its life, I start copying the main picture off each listing and slapping them all onto a board. I like to make a big canvas (like 1500x1500) in GIMP and then just dropping the pictures on there. The whole idea here is just to be able to see all the results at once. However, I usually will sort of start lining them up a little bit.
For example, on this one, I started sort of putting more complex designs in the top right, and simpler designs in the bottom left. If I saw that something was constructed very similarly to how another skirt was constructed, I would sort of try to put them next to each other. However, I really don't get too caught up in the "it has to be right" process here. The entire purpose of this is so that I can then close those 75+ firefox tabs and save my browser.
And now that everything is on one page, we can start looking for patterns. What things do I see a lot on this page? I see a lot of 3-flounce skirts. I see a lot of skirts with a lot of tiers and lace and detailing. And I see a lot of skirts with a ruffle on the bottom and a little bow on the waistband. From this, I can look at how much fabric I have, how long I have to make this, and how much work I want to put into this garment today.
And now that I have these skirts, most of which have similar construction in some aspect (don't look at the very top or very bottom ones. They don't know what they're doing here), I have multiple options to look at for the fine details of what proportions I should be looking for in both "how wide should this ruffle be" and "how big should this waist bow be". Prior to this search, yeah, I know a lot about how a lolita skirt could be constructed, but this taught me a lot of nuance of how Angelic Pretty constructs their skirts that have a relatively large all-over print.
Someone told me that my print I had felt very Emily Temple Cute, and while I love that brand a lot, it's not my friend's style. So making sure I was referencing Angelic Pretty skirts and not Emily Temple Cute skirts can help me confirm that I'm making something my friend will wear more than something I would wear.
So anyway, there you go. The secret is all in finding that initial search, specific enough that you don't have 100 pages to go through, but open enough that you do have like 15-30 pages to go through.
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An Indispensable Silver Lining | The Hobbit Ref Dump
So, I can’t (see: don’t want to) go on with An Indispensable Silver-Lining until I can sit down and rewatch some Desolation of Smaug to pin down some character locations, and I really wanna decide if I’m going full movie-verse or embracing a specific fanedit or book+movie mix and what timeline I want to hold myself to for Thorin—
Can you believe I started this fic thinking ‘I’m not going to get bogged down by canon or details this time. I just wanna write for the fun’? 😂 That went well.
Point is, just because I want to gather some canon facts? It hasn’t stopped me from writing up 1500 words of a chapter 2+ plan, or over 6 THOUSAND WORDS of long-term storyboarding in less than THREE DAYS covering Smaug and the men/dwarves/elves factions and the orcs and some of the bagginshield progression and the ‘act 1’ climax and like three ways ‘act 2’ could break bad, and— well, you can tell it’s a true passion project when I keep stepping away, think of another thing, and scramble back to my phone to jot down a few hundred more words in whatever moments I can steal. And, more pertinent to this post, I can’t stop devouring a ton of resources and inspiration.
So, with that in mind, I thought I’d just share something of those sources! For fun, for later reference for myself as I write, for practical use if you’d like it yourself, or maybe you just want something else to read and these are great fics/lore bits to choose!
Updated May 15th, 2024. Additions marked with a *
The Hobbit Trilogy Fan Edit Sources
A Comprehensive Guide to Fan Edits of the Hobbit Trilogy
An older list, but viable for what it covers
Help on choosing Hobbit fan edit? Which is the best?
A second reddit list, a bit more modern.
FanEdit.org: Lord of the Rings franchise
A comprehensive list of options for The Hobbit + other LotR works
* Specific Fan Edits
I still need to watch all of the edits I've found properly from beginning to end, but after skimming through a number of options, looking for specific wants and do-not-wants in each and reading/watching a few things on how each version was created, I think I have narrowed my interest down to these three fan edits:
Chris Hartwell's Hobbit Trilogy
A very comprehensive cut that keeps pretty much all of the movie beats intact, just trims down the trilogy's more clunky spots to create a more polished film experience. (i.e. a reduced Radagast, Alfrid, older Bilbo, some of the action scenes, etc.) Generally prioritizes Bilbo as the MC and his dynamic with Thorin as the through-line of the story and includes some of the extended scenes that highlight both, which I really appreciate.
The Hobbit, or There and Back Again
An edit that more fully cuts some of the less loved factors of the movies like the Tauriel romance, but not nearly as cut-heavy as a lot of the more well-known fan edits.
The Compromise Cut
Very similar to 'or There and Back Again' but more ambitious in rearranging footage to create new beats to cover cuts vs 'or There and Back Again' being more of a clean 'straight from the source' cut.
~
For my purposes, Hartwell's will probably be my go-to for full lore and plot inclusion & the most 'bang for my buck' while being a cleaner watch than the OG, while There and Back Again or The Compromise Cut are what I would share with friends who despise some of the film-only content, but are willing to give the trilogy another try.
I know there are a number of other great edits of there, M4 and MapleFilms being especially loved, ~but~ I set a rule for myself that any edit that cut the carrock hug was instantly out, so these were the three I landed on.
Resource Websites
The Encyclopedia of Arda
Tolkien Gateway
LotR Online
Specific Details
TEoA: A Viewer’s Companion (AUJ)
TEoA: A Viewer’s Companion (DoS)
TEoA: A Viewer’s Companion (TBoFA)
TEoA: Longbeards + The Other Clans
TG: Quest Motivations
Generally good overview of the point of the quest and what happened.
TG: Smaug Role / Gandalf motivation
"Following the sack of Erebor, Gandalf felt that Sauron would take advantage of Middle-earth's weakened state and attack Rivendell and Lothlórien or try regain Angmar; he also feared that Sauron "might use" Smaug "with terrible effect". [...The White Council] attacked Dol Guldur in TA 2941, while Sauron and Smaug could not "help one another". [...] his adversaries were able to drive him from the fortress with relative ease. [...] Sauron abandoned Dol Guldur willingly, and returned secretly to Mordor, where he would openly declare himself in TA 2951, and began preparations for his final war to dominate Middle-earth."
TG: The Arkenstone
Arkenstone info from book and adaptations
* Khuzdul Words for Fanfiction Writers
A resource for Khuzdul words for - as the name says - fanfic writers!
Durin's Line Tapestry from DoS
Shows the family connections with original book birth dates for all. Even though it was presumably made pre-sacking in 2770, and 3 of the company depicted were born after Erebor fell. That... is curious.
The Line of Dwarves
A more thorough (and intriguing) look at the dwarf lines and relevant dates, all book-based.
Comprehensive Genealogy Chart of all the Hobbits from J.R.R. Tolkien's Legendarium
My gosh is this expansive... and hard to load up on a screen, but if you don't want to miss something, check this!
HOBBIT FAMILY TREE: How are Bilbo, Frodo, Pippin, Merry, and Sam related?
The less brain-breaking hobbit tree that focuses on the main 5 from the books.
Lord of the Rings Hobbit Family Tree
More of a middle-ground on the 2 above options.
* Prominent Hobbit Families and Individuals
A lovely breakdown of the hobbit families as a group, what they are like and who are the crucial members of those families.
Bag-End PJ Hobbit Map
Crucial for Bilbo background & any Shire scenes if they come!
* Untangling Middle-Earth's many routes to evil
A map of where all of the characters traveled in The Hobbit and The Lord of the RIngs! I found this handy when I was trying to track Gandalf in particular.
A chronology of The Hobbit
A day-by-day breakdown of the journey in The Hobbit, great for what-ifs and assessing likely travel times!
Suggested Alternative Timeline For The Hobbit by @avelera
A very nice older post on a potential timeline alternative for The Hobbit films. As said above, the films do use the original dates in places, but as this post says, they don't always make sense about it. This is a nice option to consider instead.
Major Inspiration Fics
Backs To The Wall by @conkers-thecosy
My current top TH/LotR read, a great active WIP, definitely a direct inspiration to me with the failure to get into Erebor leading things off course! And I'll likely have a parallel Laketown focus for a bit, though nothing as detailed and lived-in as Conkers' fic. And, aside from great writing and general motivation to write TH/Bagginshield, I love the portrayals of the characters (BILBO, Thorin, Gandalf, Dwalin, Nori, Bard and the Bardlings--) and pairings. Definitely tempting me towards Dwalin/Nori here!
And I'm Your Lionheart by Lee_Whimsy
There always seems to be a fic in every fandom of mine that draws me in very early, becomes and instant fave, and then hangs there unfinished but perpetually on my mind. The 'one that got away' fic. This is it, and I shall forever love it, and you can just bet it will bleed into my takes somewhere, especially with Gandalf and Legolas and Bard and Fíli, if I recall correctly. I should totally reread this, or at least sections of it. Reading to the 'end' is... painful.
The Most Precious of Treasures by @sapphireshelle91
Another long untouched WIP, but a VERY different one, as it is a) post-TBoFA, and b) features a female Bilbo and parentshield with dwobbit!Frodo. I include this one because a) I love a number of the characterizations, b) if 'And I'm Your Lionheart' gives me the infrastructure and maintenance inspiration for Erebor, THIS fic delivers on the politics and intrigue, and c) I am a HUGE sucker for parentshield, be it biological or adoptive, so naturally I'm contemplating it for my own fic. Still iffy on which way I'll take it, but I've fallen down some intriguing rabbit holes in regards to Shire culture and Bilbo's background while considering the biological option, and I'd be loathe to abandon those ideas now. But either way, this fic deserves a definite nod for motivating me to come up with ideas.
Home Behind and Home Ahead by Etharei
Love the characterizations in this one, and anything that gives me a tap into Bilbo's character is appreciated. And I don't know if I'll draw much on it for this fic in particular, but I love all forms of parentshield and this is a lovely dynamic between the three characters, so I'd happily draw from it in the abstract.
* Planting a Hobbit by @northerntrash
I adore the vibe of this! A sweet 'Bilbo in Erebor' AU focused on the dwarves (Thorin especially) being so silly and endearing in their efforts to make Bilbo happy, and featuring some nice world and dynamic building in the process.
* Bad Blood by @conkers-thecosy
Yo~ give me a nice what-if any day, and having it feature a protective!Bilbo + ardent!Thorin + gremlin!elvenking in the process, with a side of dwarven culture and royal politics? For it.
* [explicit!] Safe and Distant by Lindzzz
I ADORE a Bilbo like this. A Bilbo who isn't oblivious about his feelings or denying them, but whose self-image/image of Thorin makes him unable to Comprehend anything not one-sided could come of those feelings. Who celebrates Thorin's good regard with joy and accepts it as 'enough' and 'more than he could ask for'. Who would probably just combust at the idea Thorin might want more, might want something beyond what their adventure can provide, just as Bilbo does... or just as Bilbo would, if he would allow himself to even accept that as a possibility. A Bilbo who finds the idea of Thorin wanting him back terrifying, because to hope for that and be wrong? It would shatter him. ...Yeah, I am very, very for this Bilbo. (And that doesn't even touch on the Thorin or the last chapter, omg-)
* [explicit] Canoodling by @avelera
This fic is sweet. This fic is funny. This fic touches on differences between the Tolkien cultures and misunderstandings and the unique ways that could affect intimacy with a couple, and you know that bagginshield is a gold mine opportunity for all of that. I love any explicit work that plays with experience levels and expectations and lets the couple mess up and then swing it back around to lovely afterwards, because that's realistic and relatable and thus, when done right, all the more attractive a read! And this one does it well, a good foundation read.
#bagginshield#the hobbit#an indispensable silver lining#aisl reference#reference post#fic recommendations#the hobbit fan edits#If I don't get to watch DoS or at least a fanedit this weekend I will riot
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Glimpse of Us | KTH Chapter VI: Why I Love You
Pairing: Problematic Idol Taehyung x Grad Student Reader
Genre: Idol AU, Ex-Childhood Best Friends into—, Angst (Hello, welcome to my angst central), Fluff (mainly in the flashbacks), Slow Burn, Eventual Smut
Summary: BTS’s V has been living a lavished and successful lifestyle, but underneath all of that, Kim Taehyung is far from the perfect image the media and fans made him out to be. All he wants is to relive the feelings of happiness and purpose in his life, but how can he when he left behind those memories years ago? The same memories, he hopes to see a glimpse of.
Warning: Flashback fluffs, kdrama references, talks of plants, idk teenage Tae hit for me in this, but adult Tae rn ????, some swearing here and there, the plot thickens and PAIN
Word Count: 13.8k
Chapter VI: Why I Love You || Series Masterlist
“You practically live in my room with all the clothes you leave here.” Taehyung entered his bedroom carrying an extra pillow and blanket. He saw you in your daisy pajama set you received on your birthday from his parents. You sat on his full-sized bed on the right side while having his laptop on your lap. “And be careful with that! It cost a whole fortune.”
“Same goes for you. Half of my drawers are your clothes.” You muttered as you typed something on his screen. “I am also careful. I’m just trying to find a movie that we could watch.”
Ever since Taehyung got gifted a laptop for Christmas, it was practically yours as well considering how much time you’ve spent on it. He didn’t mind though, he loved sharing with you, and oftentimes, you needed it for school.
He opened up the blanket before wrapping it around you, then putting the cushion behind your back although you wouldn’t really need it since you always ended up cuddling to his side. “You wanna watch Spirited Away? Or maybe Princess Mononoke?” You asked when he sat beside you on the left and wrapped his arm around your waist.
Pecking your temple, he rested his chin on your shoulder. He tilted his head to the side as he stared in awe at you. But it went unnoticed as you scrolled through the illegal website you found weeks back. “What do you wanna watch, Blue? I’ll watch anything.”
A spark of mischief appeared in your lively irises. “Really?” You said before changing the entire website in light speed before your actual want popped up.
“Really, Boys over Flowers again? This is like the fourth time you’ve watched the entire series when it came out!” Taehyung whined. He only did so because when you’ve watched it four times, he too watched it four times. All the time. He pulled you back to the bed frame while you brought the computer with you. “Why do you love this so much?” Despite all the complaining and nagging, he obliged hopelessly to the viewing of tonight’s entertainment.
“I read the manga.” You shrugged. “I love the main guy too.” Your heart fluttered envisioning you and Gu Junpyo together.
Taehyung rolled his eyes and suppressed the pinch of jealousy running through his veins. “He’s such a dick to her though. Don’t fall for guys like that.”
“Nuh-uh! He actually cares for her, he just doesn’t know how to express them well…” You defended your celebrity crush as you played an episode. You placed the laptop in between your bodies before snuggling into Taehyung with your leg over him.
“Whatever, if you really do fall in love with some asshole, I will beat him up.” Taehyung scoffed to which you giggled. He hooked under your leg, bringing it closer and in a comfier position. “I never want you to be treated like Jandi. He tormented her!”
“So what guy should I fall for?” You asked nonchalantly. You reached for his hand to intertwine them with yours, laying it on his chest.
“Someone who will give you unconditional love and won’t intentionally hurt you, Blue.” He murmured into your supple hair. While you carelessly played with his hand, he fluttered his kisses into your strands.
The conversation died from there as the both of you watched the episode, but halfway through the show, he heard your soft snoring. The side of your cheek squished up onto his torso. You let go of his hand minutes back so you could wrap an arm over him. You were such a koala, but he loved it. That’s why he grew to love cuddling so much.
Taehyung chuckled at your slumbering form. He closed his laptop and moved it to the bed stand so that you could properly sleep. There he turned the lamp light off, darkness spilled over his room. He shifted you to your side before doing it to himself, separating your bodies.
But you let out a tiny whimper, losing the warmth. Your best friend hushed you as he circled his arms around your waist, pulling you in. The distance between you closed with your fronts touching. You latched a leg in between his and cozied up onto him.
“Night, Hyungie.” You mumbled, air-kissing him when you dozed off again. He laughed quietly at how needy you looked.
He leaned in to peck the tip of your nose, watching you sleep in his arms as always. Though the only light came through the small window, he clearly saw your beautiful resting face. The warmth in you outstretched the vicinity and onto him A true sight for him to see. He never got tired of this view—having you here with him in his arms. Nobody else in the world could break you apart. He wanted to stay like this forever and will make it happen. He was head over heels. He loved you. He loves you.
He truly was in love with you.
-
Taehyung stared exhaustedly at his ceiling. He hadn’t been having intense schedules for a while, yet he was still the same amount of tiredness. But he couldn’t find it in himself to close his eyes and let sleep take over his body. Maybe it was all the thoughts running through his mind, following him from left and right. The gears of his brain worked despite the tranquility of the night and the calmness of the air.
He lay on the right of the bed, craning his neck to the left of him to see his curled-up girlfriend sleeping like a log. She faced her body toward him, staying close as she dreamed away about God knows what. Yet the distance was evident, limbs weren’t sticking together. It felt cold to the touch, but he wasn’t at all fazed. He glanced absently at her snoozing features, holding no impressions.
His eyes shifted back to the unusually fascinating white ceiling as his mind began to think of you. It has been a couple of weeks since Jungkook’s party. The morning after, the guests recovered from the hangover after the headache-infused Jungkook bought everyone piping hot stews. You arrived in the kitchen quietly, back into your previous night’s dress as you went down to the dining room.
You waved shyly before announcing your departure, skipping the free meal. But Jungkook was adamant about letting you take it to go, so you accepted it as you said your goodbyes left. That was the last time Taehyung saw you.
It wasn’t on purpose though, there was an increase in schedules for them, having a few group meetings and conferences to do despite the pause on BTS’s music. In between those times, he had to go to his sessions. He’d text every now and then to check up on you, but you usually replied late since you were busy. But that was okay, you confirmed that you had eaten and slept well.
Tomorrow—well, technically, today—would be his first day off in a while, and messaged you a suggestion earlier at night if you wanted to spend it with him. It was a Sunday, so he knew you were off. You haven’t spent time alone together at all since the reunion, so he assumed this was the perfect opportunity.
He could have asked Clara, but she had family business so he canceled the offer.
You still haven’t responded, so he was getting frantic if you’d ignore him. Though you reassured him that you wanted him in your life again, Taehyung still had this unconscious belief and fear that you would take it back. He knew that you wouldn’t think that way, but it was the evil side of his mind playing with him.
Maybe he should mention you to his therapist, he somehow managed to talk over or change the subject about any updates. Besides sharing light memories with his friends, he kept any thoughts of you to himself like before. It worked in the past, but look where that led him. Now everything about you ate him alive, yet he couldn’t be more grateful for it.
Damn, he really did need help.
Dr. Im wasn’t going to judge him otherwise that was unprofessional. He still thought about it. Perhaps the idol was scared that his doctor disclosed something in him that he wouldn’t want to hear…or afraid to hear in a sense. There were certain pieces of information no one but he knew about and it stayed that way. However, sooner or later, it had to be revealed but Taehyung didn’t know how to do it.
As his angels answered his prayers, his phone lit up on the bedside drawer. Reaching out to it, his eyes adjusted to the blue light then sparkled in joy when he saw replied. It read—
Sure, I don’t mind. You’re in luck that I’m giving myself a break from studying.
Senselessly and ignoring the fact that it was one in the morning, his thumbs worked their magic to message you saying to get ready by ten. You texted instantly agreeing with no other questions, making the sides of his lips curl in excitement. He locked his phone and placed it back in its original position.
He dozed off satisfied and thrilled for the morning.
-
Taehyung arrived in the kitchen, fully dressed in his casual attire—a brown suit paired with his black shoes with the backing pushed down. He whistled whimsically as he found Clara also dressed for the day in her black business attire.
“You seem cheery today, baby.” She smiled as she went up to kiss his cheek. The idol paid no attention to her affection and lets it be. But she scuffled his hair to which he screeched as a complaint.
“Don’t mess it up!” Taehyung whined, despite making it messy to give the effortless look. Patting his wild strands down, Clara giggled amusingly as she clutched her handbag on the kitchen counter.
“You’re dressed nicely, do you have another schedule?” She wondered before pulling out a small mirror and her lip tint.
He pulled his phone out of his pocket, seeing another text from you that you were on your way. “No, it’s my day off.”
She lavished the wand on her lips, coating it in a soft pink. “Aww, really? If I had known, I would have taken the day off too.”
“It’s fine. Isn’t it important anyway?” He shrugged as he messaged you to be safe, settling it down on the kitchen island.
The socialite sighed in response, “Yeah, it’s a soft launch of our collaboration with another company. My dad wanted you to come, but I told them you had work.”
“Thanks for taking me out then.” He mentioned with a smirk. “Parties like that are boring.”
“Don’t remind me.” She rolled her eyes. “Love my family but I cannot bear to hear another generic speech from them.” She shoved her items back into her purse and observed her boyfriend, who was in a lighter mood today. “So how come you’re dressed up? And shocking in a good mood.”
The idol rolled his eyes as he eyed her back. “Is it shocking that I’m like this?”
“Yes, because you’re usually sour.”
Taehyung grimaced at her reply, a tad offended. He didn’t want to ruin his attitude because of her. “I’m going out with ___. Haven’t been able to see her since the party.” There was a pinch in Clara’s face when he announced his day. She peered at her boyfriend with narrowed eyes, almost like slits. Taehyung challenged her stare with a rather mundane and relaxed look. He cocked an eyebrow, muttering the word, “What?”
“Just you and her? Is Seojoon Oppa or Wooshik Oppa coming?” She inquired, hands resting on her hips.
“Just us two, like old times.” Taehyung simply answered. “We haven’t hung out in a while.”
“Yes, you have.”
“Besides the party and going to her work isn’t hanging out.” He countered as he grabbed his keys.
“You’re really making an effort to spend time with her.” The socialite pointed out as she went towards the fridge to obtain a water bottle.
“Well, everyone knows, including you, that we had a falling out, so we wanted to catch up.”
“Are you free tonight? Maybe we can have dinner together.” Clara offered. “We’ll even purchase extra sides of japchae for you.”
“I guess so?” The idol was iffy on it. “Depends how long I’ll be out with ___.”
“Wha-where are you even going with her anyway?”
His phone vibrated, with your contact name popping up. You were here and quickly pocketed his phone. “Not sure, but she’s still new to the city. I might take her to the park or a village, she loves gardens too so we’ll see. Maybe even to a cat cafe, she loves animals.”
Taehyung blabbered on, listing some suggestions, while Clara stood there listening to activities she used to ask him to do. “Whatever, you both don’t do, let’s go together.” She insisted with a gentle smile.
The idol blinked at her, forcing the curves of his mouth to go up before nodding. “We can.” Clara couldn’t tell as she clapped enthusiastically, but it was an empty promise. “She’s here, so I’m heading out.” He began walking away.
“Oh, I’ll follow you out. I have to go soon too.” The socialite trailed beside him. “Tannie was also picked up by Hyungsik for a dog date.”
Once the front door opened, a gust of wind splashed the couple’s faces. The early signs of the fall season were showing with the cooling breeze, partly cloudy and sunny skies, and change in color of the once green summer, creating the perfect weather. You waited by the walkway of the porch. You sported a buttoned-down light mocha v-neck dress over a rustic cardigan. You paired on the same pair of heels from the party. Hair was straightened this time with little to no makeup on, maybe curled your lashes and tinted your lips but that was about it.
Taehyung smiled at your presence as he jogged down to your stature. You waved at him before noticing Clara too, so you greeted her as well. “Hi Clara, are you coming too?”
The socialite puts on a smile and shook her head, “No, I have some family business to do.”She noticed the similarities to your wardrobe, but you both didn’t bother to notice. “But I hope you both have fun, okay? Tae, text me anything fun.“
Taehyung looked distracted, not even hearing what his girlfriend said. You nudged him and motioned towards Clara that she spoke to him. He turned back to see her and brainlessly nodded, “Have fun at work!” He grabbed your wrist as he unlocked the car. He basically dragged you into the vehicle as he didn’t want any more interactions happening between you and her.
Clara watched his car take off with you waving back and Taehyung ignoring her entire presence. As the vehicle grew smaller and finally out of sight, the socialite grimaced. Clenching her jaw, she had many thoughts going on and was suspicious of him, especially with you. She doesn’t know if she liked it or not, but one thing was for sure, she reached for her phone and sent a message.
-
“Taehyung, we’ve been driving for over an hour.” Looking through the tinted windows, you watched cars passing by and disrupting your view of the water. This was maybe the third bridge he drove through. But instead of coming out into a city, a small town came into your vision with many small businesses ahead.
“I don’t like being in Seoul as often as you think. There’s a place I know of that you might like. Plus, fewer people recognize me or just leave me alone compared to the city.” You stayed silent and nodded, but he knew you listened carefully. “Hmmm, you don’t like my driving?” He merely questioned as he took a left turn. “I would assume with the excellent music playlist and scenery would have you enjoying the ride.”
“Well, this is the first time I’ve seen you driving, let alone be in a car with just you.” You stated, turning back to see him focus on the road. You noticed how he removed his blazer and rolled up his sleeves. His veins were visibly seen through his honey skin. He only used one hand and held the steering wheel at the very bottom. “I’m not complaining though.”
The idol snuffed, glancing at you quickly before staring forward. “Must be weird then. We would used to walk, take the bus, or the train together.”
“Not weird…just been a while.” Shaking your head, you went back to sightseeing out your passenger window.
Taehyung’s eyes constantly shifted from gawking at you to the highway. Tightening his grip on the wheel, he used his unoccupied hand to listen to an old song that came up into shuffle. At the first beat of the song, your head shot towards the stereo receiver.
You snorted, completely incredulous at the music choice. “Jesus Christ, why do you have this on your playlist?” A smile crept up as the hit of nostalgia washed your face.
His signature boxy grin came up while watching you as he shrugged, “It’s all on shuffle. I’ve never heard it in a while, so I’m surprised as you are.”
“Do you still know the lyrics?”
“Of course, I do. You made me learn it from all the times we’ve heard it.” He scoffed as if the question shouldn’t have been asked in the first place. The traffic light turned red, making the vehicle at a stop.
“Well, let’s put it to the test then!” You challenged before amplifying the volume.
You both then sang the lyrics to the song, “Almost paradise!! A warmer day than the sun, the look in your eyes. It’s like having the whole world!” While at the stoplight, Taehyung finally focused his attention on the passenger’s seat to fully sing to you. “In my life!! Like a light in my weary life, you came to me and gave me love. If only I could keep it forever!”
“You are all of my love!” Taehyung sang or rather shouted.
“You are all of my life!” You continued.
“With my everything, I love you!!!” You sang together right before the light went back to green. While resuming the drive, you fell into a pit of laughter through what was once your favorite drama. You were surprisingly impressed that you remembered it, not seeing the show in ten years. But guess that’s what happens when you watched it eight times.
On the other hand, Taehyung’s body felt lighter after that. A very tiny memory was a core one at that moment, cherishing simpler times. It felt good, felt so right. The only thing he wished for was for the light to stay red a little longer.
-
“You still love plants, right?” He asked as you both entered the establishment. Eyes sparkled in delight when you scoped the nursery filled with various plants you’ve grown to learn over the years. Ranging from foliage to blooming to only in-season ones. It was getting colder and cloudier in Korea, so there were indoor growing lights built about the jungle of greenery. “Cats too?”
The place he brought you was also part of a cat cafe, so it combined two of your favorite interests into one. Not many individuals were here at the moment as the place opened for the day not too long ago. Scanning below you, you spotted different breeds of cats walking around, playing with scattered toys, napping, and laying down on towers
“Surprise you remembered that.” You mumbled, suppressing the excitement within you when you spotted a black feline strutting up to your form. Without thought, you picked the cat up and it immediately warmed up and trusted you. You cooed at the sight of its eyes slowly closing and melting into your arms.
Taehyung’s eyes shimmered at your interaction once again. He always knew how weak you were for animals. Back in Geochang, you would pet each chicken at his grandmother’s farm and play with other neighbors’ dogs every time you walked home together. You loved them and they loved you back.
“Why would I forget these things about you?” The idol inquired as he followed behind. You were distracted by all the plants and the kitties everywhere. “Plants were your hobby and animals were your interests.”
You turned back to him with an amused grin while he cocked an eyebrow playfully at you. He then stepped forward to reach out a hand toward the black cat. His finger stroked its head, and once he got approval, he ran his hands through the ebony coating.
“You love animals too.” You spoke up as you joined him in caressing the animal in your arms. “We used to be late in elementary school because we played with Banchan along the way.” The familiar mention of the Shiba Inu that used to live in the neighborhood brought many memories between you two. If possible, the same ones replayed in your heads.
On your first day of another school year, while holding hands, you and Taehyung walked a route your grandparents made to ensure safety for a six and seven-year-old. Though you both went to the same elementary school as his younger sister and brother, Taehyung was usually the last one to get out of bed so his siblings never bothered to wait for him and left earlier. But you did, so he’d never be lonely and you loved being with him.
However, it was very dangerous because you two were easily distracted especially regarding your interests. One of them being animals. That’s where Banchan the Shiba Inu came in because you quickly noticed the dog outside, held back by his leash. You ran up to him to give him some love while Taehyung wasn’t too far behind. Once the boy scratched his tummy, Banchan licked his face jubilantly, letting out laughter from the both of you.
Eventually, the owners, who were a sweet fairly young couple, heard your giggles and told you to go to school as it was already late into the schedule but promised that you could play with their dog after school. Though they received pouts and whines, you obliged and left for the school day, then came back once the day was over.
Needless to say, it became an occurring “Banchan morning love” time followed by being late for the past month, getting light scoldings from his parents and your grandparents after getting calls from your school. But the couple was kind enough to both of you by giving every Saturday dedicated to playing with Banchan, in exchange for being punctual. This continued until the couple moved out of Geochang the next year, bidding goodbye to your furry friend.
“He was too fluffy to not pet!” Taehyung still reasoned after all those years passed. His hand dropped to his side when he found an orange feline, cautiously stalking toward him. Watching his every move, the apricot-hued animal eventually slammed its body onto the idol, making him laugh at the aggressive begging to be pet. He carried it into his arms and paced beside you. “You have this Shiba Inu just hanging outside your house. Not expecting little kids to just go and play??”
You chuckled as those words were probably verbatim of our reasonings to his parents. “We still got our way.” Whilst holding the cuddly cat buddy, you roamed around the cafe nursery. The plant selection was gorgeous and difficult to even buy just one. You would buy one, but…now wasn’t a time to be spending willy-nilly.
“Do you still have your plant collection?” Taehyung asked, recollecting the memories of you repotting, watering, and talking to your babies (what you called them).
You sighed as you grazed your thumb over a leaf of a little monstera deliciosa. “No, unfortunately, I donated them away to the children’s center back home before I left. I wasn’t able to bring them all and I knew no one would be caring for them either.”
Taehyung’s mind recaptured memories of you and your grandmother tending toward the little porch garden. He never understood the immense hobby for it, but you enjoyed your plants and with that, he used to help you every now even educating himself. There were instances where he surprised Namjoon with his vast knowledge of certain plants and the caring they needed.
However, knowing that you’ve shared this hobby with your grandmother who passed long ago, it saddened him knowing you weren’t able to continue something you loved anymore, especially when it was with your grandmother. “H-how about your grandfather? He could have taken care of them.”
Something in your eyes peeked through. No spark, no light, it was rather dark, almost solemn but obscure. Taehyung couldn’t fully comprehend what it meant. To the best of his knowledge, the look seemed similar to an occurrence when you were younger but it was hard to tell. He hated not knowing.
Yet he had to remind himself his memories with you weren’t enough to know everything about who you were now and your current situations. How you used to be doesn’t equate to who you are now. But it was hard not to.
“Uh, just too old and such.” You rushed as you paid attention to the section of Devil’s Ivy. “Plus, his focus was on the fruits and vegetables in the land. It would be too much for him to handle on top of that.” You seemed a bit frazzled when you spoke, most likely not wanting to talk anymore about it. So you decided to change the topic, “Are you getting anything?” You moved further into the back of the nursery.
“I’m fine with getting some brunch in the cafe, but did you want anything?” He asked before settling the orange cat down. You did the same to your black one but plastered a kiss on its head before letting it free with its friends. Taehyung took notice of it and a side of his lips curved up.
“Uhh, no. I’m okay.” You shook your head, continuing to stare at the beautiful Peace lily plants. They didn’t have their flowers, but they were beautiful all year round. But Taehyung trailed your line of sight at them and saw a bit of longing and want. “You know Peace lily plants, or as they are scientifically called, Spathiphyllum, are known for their air-purifying abilities, and grow in a bright spot out of direct sunlight. They’re a bringer of peace, especially when they bloom their white flowers.” You rambled on with your in-hand facts as he listened. He never really understood, but somehow absorbed it easily.
Cutting your long speech, he commented, “Weren’t these your first plant?”
Stopping your mouth from moving, you blinked at him dumbstruck at his sharp mind. “How could you ev—I got Penny before I met you!” Yes, you named your Peace lily Penny, an American name but it was so easy to remember. And yes, your Peace lily was also a girl.
“You talked to her every day since we met before we would play. You talked to me about her and how special she was, and how excited you were every time she bloomed flowers.” Taehyung listed it down humorously and you couldn’t help but be stunned that he remembered all of that at the top of his head. “Also how could I forget when you cried when she died and found out they only last three to five years.”
Jesus Christ, you too remembered that day clearly. When you were eight, Penny died on you no matter how much you talked to her and fed water to her and drooping leaves. You wept into your grandmother’s arms and then into Taehyung’s before your grandmother explained that plants like Penny don’t last as long, it was part of their cycle.
Still, you were heartbroken, so to cheer you up, Taehyung gathered his entire household and yours to make a funeral, commemorating Penny, your first plant.
“I didn’t know!” You rolled your eyes, then cringed at the thought of your utter despair for a plant. “Then again, you and I both know death loves to come my way.”
You said it as a joke, but then Taehyung’s pupils dilated even choking on his spit. He tapped on his chest harshly while you rubbed his back as a sign of concern and comfort. Once he settled down into a calmer state, you said, “Guess my dark sense of humor is surprising to you?”
Of course, it was. Death was always a sensitive topic, especially experiencing it at a young age. You whined easily when your parents were mentioned or the words “dead” or “die” came into the conversation. “More so.” Taehyung shrugged worryingly in contrast to your light demeanor.
“It’s easier to cope with it.” You hummed, playing with the Peace lily’s bright green leaves. “Death, life, and especially when the people you love aren’t your life anymore.” You glanced back at his shocked state, observing the sudden pain in his eyes. You didn’t mean to say it like that, but it became a habit that you couldn’t stop yourself to do.
Taehyung said no comment on it, seeing as how casual you looked after you said that. He lets it be and wanted to lighten the mood. He shook himself out of the shock and cleared his throat. “If you want it, I’ll buy it for you.”
“No, I wouldn’t want that.” You scoffed before rolling your eyes.
“But I want to.” He pouted before inspecting the pots of Peace lilies for the perfect one. “Consider it as a gift. I invited you out anyway.”
“Taehyung, no!”
“Why not?!”
“Buying things is too much for me…” You mumbled, now fiddling with your fingers. Hoping he would understand, you also said, “They cost too.”
He hummed in response. “Does it look like I care about the cost? I’m not bragging but I am a world star.” You furrowed your eyebrows at his haughty explanation, it was quite entertaining. He meant well, but the words weren’t supporting him. He too caught on and wanted to mentally punch himself. “No, that’s no—lemme rewind.” You chuckled softly at his tense state as you crossed your arms over yourself. “I have a bit more spending money compared to when we were teens, so I’d like to give you things that you desire and want.”
You squinted at what he said, thinking very wrongly of it. “I’m not saying that it is, but you sounded like a sugar daddy.”
He opened his mouth, but quickly closed it, not knowing how to even respond to that. But he disregarded what you said. “The point is—I want to give things. I don’t mind paying. I love giving gifts. I’m a gift giver, to my friends, and family, and that also includes you, ___.”
Your teeth were in between your lips, still, not all convinced. “I still need to pay you back for the hospital bill.”
“That’s weeks ago and I don’t recall any mentions of you paying me back.” He retorted, completely baffled by your weak reasoning. “I wouldn’t have agreed either, so let that go.”
“Bu—”
“You’ve been eyeing these plants since we came here, I know you want them.” He lifted the perfect pot of Peace lily. The pigment held the summer vibrancy despite the Fall weather coming soon. A ray of leaves fanned out happily and proudly to its blossomed curve. It was still a baby, being held from the bottom of the terracotta pot with a single hand of Taehyung’s. “Even if you say no, I’ll still get them.”
“This one you picked up does have a nice shape to it.” You pointed out, but he knew you were inching to accept his offer.
“You also can start a collection here. I’ll even help you tend to them unless you want me to.”
“You do realize plants and the care are expensive.”
“Then I’ll provide them for you.”
“Okay, that’s too mu—”
“You loved planting, ___, but you had to stop.” He blurted out, zipping up any reasoning from you. “You did it with your grandmother too, it was something you bonded together over. Something you remembered her with.” He saw your eyes move around yet still managed the gaze you gave him. “I don’t want you to lose that.”
The mentioning of your grandmother ached your heart. It has been a while since you spoke about her. The vivid images of her teaching you about all those plants popped to mind, nostalgically and memorially. It was because of her, you found this loving hobby of plant care and it was something you never wanted to let go of, even if you left for Seoul.
Your eyes watered, but not enough for them to spill. You blinked continuously as you controlled your breath. You simply nodded, completely sold on what Taehyung said. “I’ll get him.” You retrieved the pot into your two hands as you scanned your new baby.
A bright smile morphed onto Taehyung’s face as he heard little whispers from you to the Peace lily. “Him now?” You hummed as you grinned happily. “Does he have a name?”
“Don’t know…maybe after you? Tae?” You quipped to which he laughed.
“Me? Why? You never named your plants after any of us?” He chirped as he looked at the plant. “But Tae seems nice for him.”
“They are known to be dramatic.” You informed. “They droop and act like they’re dying if you don’t water them or give attention.”
“Did you just insult me?” He gasped, putting a hand over his chest as if he was offended.
“No, it’s fact.” You snorted as you carried your baby in the cafe’s direction. “I’ve seen those Run BTS episodes.” Taehyung chuckled more as he retrieved more equipment you needed into his hands and arms.
You highlighted once again that you followed the band and its entertainment beyond music. It still stunned him, but only because he didn’t think you’d do so after what happened. He even talked about it briefly before. But you said that despite the ending of your friendship, you were tremendously proud of him and his members’ success. You loved the message they conveyed and all that they’ve done to endure it.
Not enough words or presents would express his gratitude towards you. He felt undeserving of your gentle actions and affable behavior, yet he was very selfish to continue to want it. In his eyes, you were never a pushover or an attached brat. You gave all that you could to those you loved because they were who you had in life, the only ones. They were the only ones who’ve seen the vulnerability and dedication in you and you weren’t willing to spread it as often even if you did. You were needy in the best of ways because it showed you also wanted a shoulder to lean on, especially maturing at a very early age.
There were so many things about you that screamed perfection, caring, warm-hearted, and resiliency. Just you in general, and Taehyung was eternally grateful to see it through his own very eyes as well as experience the way you gave yourself and spoke to him with so much passion and tenderness. No one was more true than you, his Blue.
In the past, there were so many reasons why Taehyung loved you, and unexpectedly—at least to him—why he hopelessly fell in love with you.
-
Knowing each other since a young age and being best friends, it was obvious how much Taehyung loved you. He always loved you, even telling it to you many times every day. It was so easy to say and he meant it. He would do anything for you. He cared and wanted to protect you. You even said it back, so it was natural to speak about love within your relationship.
However, loving and being in love was not as obvious. There was a fine line between the two that was difficult to pinpoint. It often gets the betterment of people, even when they’re older and wiser. You can bounce from one to the other all you want without realizing it, but you eventually had to choose a side.
In Taehyung’s case, he learned about this decision at the beginning of his teenage years. In his first year of high school and when he first joined his soccer club, his older players would bring up topics about sex and love more than they should. Teammates were split in half, wanting sex and wanting love. He didn’t listen as much, but he did recall somewhere along the lines of having a partner to hold and cherish eternally.
With that, he went to his father regarding the love his teammates were talking about. “Well, the definition of love is very broad and can be interpreted many ways, son.” His father, Jitae, began, cocking his head to the side in thought.
“They talked about having someone to hold and adore eternally,” Taehyung repeated from his memories.
“Hmm, so I guess my example would be me and your mom.” Jitae brought out as he clapped his hands together. “Because I love having her by my side and being by her side. I’m in love with your mom, and that will never change.”
“In love?” He questioned, not getting what that meant. “Don’t you love us? We’re your kids!”
His father laughed endearingly at his son. “Of course, I love you, and Eunjeong, and Sungyeon. I love all of you! You three gave me all the more reasons to love and stay on Earth.” He defended. “However, loving and being in love are different. The love I have for your mom is different from my love for my kids.”
“What did you mean?”
“I certainly don’t want to go into detail, but I’m head over heels for your mom. I’ve been way before we had you three. You kids gave me a reason to stay on Earth, she gave me a reason to be alive. Every time I look at her, my heart starts racing or skips a beat. I’m deeply committed to her as she does to me. She’s my partner, my wife. She’s my connection, she makes me feel better, do greater, a comfort.” Jitae explained thoroughly. “I would do anything for her.”
While Taehyung processed these thoughts and explanations, he had certain questions. “Will I have that? Do I have that now?”
“I hope that you’ll have that.” Smiling, his father patted down his son’s hair. “And to answer your second question, you’re still young. I found your mom when we were in our 20s, so there’s a lot of time. But there are possibilities.”
“Like?”
“Well, do you have someone who you’re in love with?” Jitae picked out as he stared at Taehyung. “Having a connection, to make you feel better, do greater, your comfort. Heart skips every time. You would do anything for them.”
Taehyung had no answer as he tried his best to think with his developing adolescent brain. Jitae had a specific person in mind but decided not to say anything for his son to figure it out himself.
Time passed, yet his mind stayed stagnant with this idea. It intrigued him to an extent, wondering if he would ever have the experience of feeling how his dad felt toward his mom. He knew that he loved all around, his parents, his siblings, his friends, your grandparents, and of course, you. But the act of being in love?
He thought about what his father had told him, being connected, feeling better, and doing better. A comfort in his life, and would do anything for them. The list was easy to eliminate options. Well, there was nothing to cancel out because all those traits went straight to you. You were the first person that popped into his head.
Strange though…or rather perplexed to say the least. How would it be possible? He loved you, that was a given, but in love? You weren’t a partner or wife, you were his best friend, his Blue! Does that even suffice?
Suddenly a realization was brought upon him. Heart beating fast, skipping beats? He doesn’t think he has ever gotten that from you. He took you into his arms many times, even intertwining his fingers together with yours. He kissed your temples, head, and cheeks. Yet nothing happened to his heart.
Maybe you weren’t the one he was in love with. His father did say that he was still young and had a lot of years ahead. Why did this even bug his mind anyway? Why was he thinking too much about this? He was a teenager; he needed to think about other things like gaming, friends, and sleep. Anything really besides love.
He did love you though and wouldn’t give up anything in the world to not have that feeling anymore.
However, it took a while for him to see how special you so were to him. And how did he find out?
You had your first crush.
It was some boy named Jinhwan in your class. He was a kind and smart boy from what you told him and even let you borrow his pen when yours ran out of ink. You partnered up with him one day on an assignment and you have gotten to know him better. Days after he kept talking to you during breaks and sometimes bypassing. Each encounter felt more whimsical and fluttering to your heart, and eventually, you realized that you had a crush on him.
However, get this—you didn’t tell Taehyung.
You surprisingly spoke to his sister, which shocked and insulted him. He didn’t understand why because he was your best friend after all. All that information was from Eunjeong who assumed that you told him. New flash, you didn’t and it flabbergasted the boy.
He felt offended that you didn’t tell him and told his sister. His sister?? Last thing he remembered he was your best friend, not her. You told him everything, you even told him when you got your first period before anyone else. Why’d you tell her and not him?
There was a slight tinge of jealousy coursing through his body. Not sharing was partial towards his emotion, but the primary reason was the very thought of you liking another boy.
It was weird and uncomfortable for him. Like why have a crush on a boy that you met at your school? Gross. QYou practically knew nothing about him except that that Jinhyuk boy was nice, but that wasn’t even a fact and that was based on judgment by the individual. If you had a crush on someone, it should be someone that you knew for a long time, who understood you, who cherished you, who kept you in their arms at all times, and who would give the world to you. Someone like hi—
Yeah, he realized he was in love with you.
But he suppressed them right now to be upset, but not at you though. Only the fact that you didn’t tell him. Whether or not he was in love with you, but he really was, you didn’t inform him of something important that could change your life. He was about to march to your house when Eunjeong stopped him to inform him that you stayed back at school because Jinhwan asked to speak with you. Rumor has it that he was going to confess to you, indicating he too had a crush on you. Mutual pining. And that made Taehyung’s heart sink into an abysmal hole.
Fuck, it was too late.
-
Taehyung waited on the steps of your front porch, staring down at his feet. Hours passed since school ended and there was no sight of you near. He felt worried, upset, sad, and all various kinds of emotions right now, but most importantly, in love. In love with you.
Why didn’t he notice it any sooner? Then again, nothing changed between you two. Yeah, you were getting older, developing maturely and elegantly. But you were you, his Blue. He was him, your Hyungie. There was no difference within your dynamic, other than getting closer to one another as the seconds went on. So if this was true, then was he in love with you this whole time? How would that even be possible? He was a child when he met you. Yet again, he always loved you since the moment he met you.
The sound of shoes dragging along the concrete and sniffles broke his running mind. Once he raised his head, he was met with your puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. Mouth quivered loosely with every rapid gasp coming out of you to stop the weeping of your cries. His mind went full alarm as he shot up from the stairs to go up to you.
With every step, he cautiously observed you. You were fighting back the sobs as you tried pursing your lips together. But when he puts you in between his arms with his hands around your back, he asked, “My Blue, what happened? What did he do to you?”
You broke every resistance inside of you and cried like a baby into his chest. The same exact cry when you ran away after Jinhwan stole your first kiss and embarrassed you by laughing at your confession in front of his friends. Little did you know it was all recorded, or when you were crying your poor self out behind a building, so then he proceeded to upload it online for everyone.
So you bawled out even more so until you were tired of crying and mindlessly walked home. But you saw your worried best friend waiting for you, ready to give you the comfort you needed and deserved. Your entire soul collapsed onto him.
“Hy-Hyun-Hyungie!” You keened, slithering your arms over his chest as you gripped onto his uniform shirt that you drenched in your tears. “I-I-I—”
“Shhh, no. It’s okay. You’re safe, Blue.” He shushed you as he had one hand over your head and the other hooked around your waist. Your form bounced as your sobbing overpowered your breathing. “I’m here now. Don’t worry. I’ll always be here.”
-
After hours passed once again, you, fortunately, stopped shedding tears though your emotions were still heightened and intense. You had to lie to your grandparents and say that you were sick to not go to school the following day. They knew you weren’t ill, but they knew something was up since it was uncommon of you. They let you be and hoped it’d make you feel okay.
Taehyung never left your side, having you in his arms or within reach. He even slept over for the night. But once it hit your “bedtime,” your minds were still awake. Your best friend thought it was a good idea for you to escape for the time being, so you both did. And what better way than to sneak out of your window in the dead of night to go to the park and hang out under the blossoming tree? It was your favorite pastime together after discovering that you could do things without your grandparents and his parents knowing.
When the gentle breeze touched your skin, the serenity of the starry sky pricked with specks of stars, and no one else but your best friend was right by your side. You let the setting calm every nerve in you, closing your eyes and taking the deepest breaths.
Taehyung kissed your hair before resting his cheek on the top of your head. His growth spurge over the winter time let him be much bigger than your stature. He hated seeing you like that, heartbroken, undeserving of what happened to you, and crying over some stupid ass boy who doesn’t deserve shit from you or anyone. He wanted to beat this boy up, but you told him no because he wasn’t worth it and you hated violence. He had to oblige, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t call his sister up and tell her to punch him in the throat.
“How are you feeling now, Blue?” He whispered, staring up at the night before you.
“Less crappy, but better now.” You sighed, laying your head on his shoulder and leaning closer toward his form. “I feel like an idiot.”
“No, you’re not. Those boys were dicks and Jinseok guy was a complete asshole.” Taehyung countered, feeling upset that you were talking down upon yourself. “You didn’t deserve anything that was given to you like that.”
“Still, I fell for it.” You frowned as you stared down at your fingers playing with each other. “I should have known. No boy ever liked me because I’m ugl—”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” He interjected sharply, his restrained vocal cords due to puberty somehow helped his voice drop an octave. “Don’t ever succumb your worth with pea-minded small dick boys.”
“Then why aren’t I liked by anyone?” You complained, balling your hands into fists as you tried controlling the tears that threatened to come out again. “So many of my peers got confessions, always overheard boys talk about how pretty my classmates were, or even asked me about Eunjeong because she thought she was cute and I knew her.”
“Blue—”
“And don’t get me started on you.” Your attention went on him and his large irises looking back questionably. “You told me about all the confessions you had from this past year alone and how you rejected them all, but you still keep getting them.”
“___—”
“I mean it’s a given that you’ve always been handsome and always nice and caring to others. I just feel so shitty about myself because I don’t ever feel confident in myself, as a best friend and as a—”
“No!” Taehyung shouted, causing you to flinch and pause your rambling. His mind was all over the place. First, you called him handsome and while you did consistently mention it in the past, this was the first time he noticed how much his heart was racing and how he was getting squirrels in his stomach.
Second, he didn’t like hearing your self-deprecations at all. Did you really think so lowly of yourself? Not once did you show any signs. It wasn’t right and he should have caught on earlier.
“Stop doing that. Stop talking bad about yourself.” He shook his head before reaching out for your hands to hold. “And don’t compare yourself to others, Blue.”
“How can I not? I’m surrounded by it all the time, aka you!”
“I-I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
“No, no. Not you. I’m sorry. I—” You stopped yourself, trying to collect your thoughts into a reasoning argument. “I just feel like I’m not good enough sometimes. Like I guess, this was more than that stupid prank and lie Jinhwan did or not being liked by anyone. Like, I’m never enough to satisfy or be worth something in someone’s life.”
For some odd reason, he couldn’t help but chuckle. Sure, your words were raw and from the depths of your heart but really? Not enough to be worth something in someone’s life? Seemed a little bit exaggerated.
Hearing his laughter, your eyebrows pinched together and cheeks puffed into anger at his response. But before you could even get a single sound out of you, he commented, “Now that’s an insult to me.”
Now your expression resembled confusion, “What do you m—”
“Why would you even say something like that when you’re literally everything in my life?”
His words punched you in the throat, taking your very breath away. “D-don’t—you don’t mean that! I said something, not—”
“Now why would I lie? I never lie to you! I do mean that, and I said everything because you are everything!” Taehyung retorted. He used one hand to hold your waist, pulling you into his lap. Sitting in between his legs, you laid back onto his chest as his chin stayed on your shoulder. “You mean so much more than you could ever imagine to me. Y-yo-you’re my best friend, Blue. I can’t have you think that you’re any less for others, me, and yourself especially. It breaks my heart knowing that I’m not helping you through that.”
“Don’t carry my burden on you.” You muttered quietly. “My whole self-esteem is just at its low and blowing out of proportion. I just became a teenager. You can’t really help me on this one.”
“I bet I can.” His eyes lit up, making you turn back to see him. Your faces were centimeters away. While you stared casually at his face, he felt his breathing slipping away at the gorgeous sight of you under the fluorescent moon. He managed to catch him without notice and continued. “I—I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve seen in my entire life, and I’m blessed that I get to see you every single day. If people don’t see it, they weren’t gifted with seeing the true beauty that you hold.”
You gawked wordlessly, pupils dilating by the second as he spoke with endearment and authenticity. Heartbeat fastened as he spoke on. “___ ___, you’ve been and always will be worth it, in my life, in your grandparents’ life, my family’s, anyone who comes across you. Don’t support that mindset with people of less importance in your life because it doesn’t help you. Focus on who matters, like you.”
“I can help by reminding you to not speak such foulness about yourself, pointing out the way you impact my and your loved ones’ lives, and showing you how beautiful you are because you truly are.” Using his unoccupied hand, he pushed a strand out of your face and tucked it behind your ear. “These little boys must have dead skin cells coming out of their shit-stained mouths if they don’t think you, ___ ___, are beautiful.”
You blinked rapidly and your lower lips pouted out as if it was the only reaction you could give. The little voice in your head begged to differ. But with his piercing coffee-swirled eyes at you, it slowly diminished and lowered its volume. It was hard to tell with your conscious, but you believed him even if it was just a little bit.
You saw him leaning closer, his eyes shut smoothly. Staying still but eyes widening with every centimeter closer, your mind was on blast, anticipating his next move. However, he did a little turn-up and kissed the tip of your nose lightly.
You shook your head out of surprise. Why did you expect something else? Of course, Taehyung was always affectionate toward you. You couldn’t react any further as he brought you closer to him and peppered kisses onto your shoulder. You blinked away and focused straight into the night, trying to relax.
“The only thing I wish I could do was to stop that kiss from happening.” He spoke again with a huff. “I’m sorry your first kiss was with that fucking jerk. God, are you sure you don’t want me to beat him up?”
There the tenseness you didn’t realize you had in your body blew away and was replaced by laughter. “You shouldn’t resort to violence. He was a dick, but I can’t change the past. I wished too though.”
“Which is why you should always come to me first before you go do something.” Taehyung scolded in a know-it-all way, making you roll your eyes in defense. “I didn’t even know you had a crush until Eunjeong told me and she only did so because she thought I knew already! Why didn’t you tell me, Blue?”
Your form suddenly shrunk and sunk into his body, feeling the hotness steaming up your cheeks. “I know I tell you everything, but this was different…”
“How is it different?”
“I-I-I needed a girl’s opinion.”
“Oh.” Was all he could say. It made sense, you were a girl while he was a boy. There were certain things he may not understand from a guy’s perspective and he couldn’t defend himself.
“Don’t worry. I learned my lesson. If I like someone, I’ll be sure to tell you.” You promised.
But you never did.
“And I will do the same back.” He added, to open your communication together.
“You know I don’t think you ever told me you had a crush on someone.” You mentioned, tilting your head as you gazed into the distance with wonder.
You heard a deep chuckle followed by a vibration on your back. “That’s because back then I don’t think I liked someone enough to consider it a crush.”
“Then surely, you have someone that you like. I mean you’re in high school too with new people.”
“Yes, I’m in high school but that doesn’t mean anything.” He shrugged as he nuzzled into your neck, making you giggle at the ticklishness.
“So you don’t like any girl, or guy, or someone?” You tried your best not to assume anything. Since he didn’t like anyone, you didn’t know what he liked.
He laughed again, throwing his head back. “You’re so silly sometimes.” Exhaling, he smiled warmly while squeezing your hand. You focused on him with your doe eyes, an innocent smile faint on your lips. He looked down for a split second, hoping you didn’t notice. Judging by the continued look on your face, you weren’t seeing anything out of the ordinary. But he could see everything changing in him, in you, and between each other.
He was stuck in this conundrum. It would be selfish of him to tell you how he felt after getting your heart broken by another. You most likely won’t reciprocate back and he doesn’t even know how you think of him beyond being his best friend. He also didn’t want to ruin the friendship, the strong bond you two created for nearly ten years to be destroyed because he caught feelings for you. He loves you. Dear God, he was in love with you and only you.
But he couldn’t do it. And he didn’t know if he will ever.
“I-If-If I like someone, I’ll be sure to tell you, Blue.” He replied carefully as his fingers tapped over the smooth skin on the back of your hands.
But he never did.
“‘Kay!” You didn’t think any more of it. In fact, you felt a whole lot better after talking to Taehyung. He always knew how to reassure you about your insecurities and dilemmas your teenage brain liked to give you and cause harm. Your fingers found their way to intertwine with his. “At least I know I’ll always have one guy in my life that I’ll love.” His eyes widened, lips slightly parting. “I will always love you, Hyungie.” You pressed your lips onto his soft cheek before you laid your head onto the crevice of his shoulder.
He doesn’t know if you felt how hard his heart thumped in his chest. If you did, you don’t bother bringing it up. He doesn’t know this feeling, was it good or bad? But having you in his arms felt so perfect. Yet the fear of you finding out dreaded his entire soul. It would break him if something were to happen between you two. Was this what being in love was like? Why was it scaring him?
“A-and I will always love you, Blue.” He meant it at the bottom of his heart, but he didn’t mean it in the way you did.
And he doesn’t think it would be from here on.
-
You made it through the day with Taehyung. An invisible thin barrier held you back earlier in the day, but it eventually evaporated the more you talked to him, like how you were before. You don’t know how many hours passed in that cafe because together you spent all that time eating and playing with the cats. You opened up a little more to him and told him about your college years and why you chose to move to Seoul.
You explained how stagnant life has been for you for a while and thought you’d lead to nowhere if you continued to stay in the area you lived for your entire life. You managed to get by and thought of suppressing the feeling until your grandfather convinced you. You were very much hesitant, as it was going to be out of your comfort zone, but you and he both knew it was the right decision to make. It was also the only school that accepted you that wasn’t in Geochang, because it was the only one you applied for that wasn’t Geochang.
Taehyung did try to ask a question about your grandfather, but he noticed how brief and vague your answers were. You changed the subject and turned it on him when he did so. Maybe you weren’t ready to talk about it? Or you just didn’t want to tell him. Ever since his family moved as well as the passing of your grandmothers, contact has been lost through the years. Even if Taehyung tried to contact back, he wouldn’t know if you were still in Geochang or not and unfortunately, he did not have the time to check.
Nonetheless, the two of you enjoyed your time together. Of course, while staying hidden for Taehyung’s sake. After the cafe, he drove back into the city where he kinda took you shopping. You say kinda because he attempted to buy things for you and you said no, but he didn’t care so you just walked away from him. He got the message and begged for forgiveness, but it was all fine. You treated him corn dogs as a light snack or at least attempted to because when you pulled out of your wallet, he tapped his card with ease.
When the sun went down, you assumed the day was over, but not for the idol. He took you to a jazz nightclub he has been dying to go to for ages. Everyone he invited was always busy or tired. He even invited Clara, and they were about to go but she got sick.
The opportunity was right there, so Taehyung insisted. You didn’t mind at all, you were excited about it. By the end of the time there, you loved every second of it, even catching some songs here and there. It surprised him, but he never realized until now that it was you who introduced him to the love of jazz.
Nighttime fell when the both of you got out, and the city lights illuminated the area. For a Sunday night, it was pretty crowded and Taehyung suggested going somewhere quiet. You were about to protest that it was time to go home, but your stomach gargled aloud that the idol wanted to put food in you right away. Knowing he wasn’t taking a no on this one, you gave up.
But you settled for some street food, rice and fish cakes, bibimmyeon, suyuk,and ice cream for dessert. Taehyung knew a nearby park and thought it’d be nice to eat under a tree, getting away from all the people. So here you were—stomachs filled to the brim and enjoying the nice view from where you say while tasting the sweet confection.
Once in a while, Taehyung mentioned memories of him and his members regarding instances perfect for the moment. This one was about the park. “I used to come here a lot with Jimin actually, when we were younger. It was always secluded, so even after debut, no one was around.”
“I wonder why? This place is amazing at night.” Your eyes roamed at the calm scenery. The cooling autumn wind caressed you while the hours of darkness cascaded around. The stars weren’t as prominent, but they were exchanged by the blinking lights of the city buildings and skyscrapers.
It almost felt like deja vu.
Taehyung looked over towards you and noticed how you stared into the outlook. A tender grin crept on your mouth as you slowly closed your eyes.
“Never bothered to ask that when you finally get privacy.” He muttered as he finished his ice cream and threw it in the trash bag you made. “Been a while since I came here though. I miss it here. Jimin would also like it too.”
A giggle came out of you, “You talk about your members a lot.”
“I-Is-Is that noticeable?” A peak of blush swiped across his cheeks.
“Well, from the whole day, yeah. I practically know everything about them through you.” You snuffed in delight. “It’s nice though. You care about them. I’m sure with the break, you don’t see them as often?”
“Yeah, the last time I saw everyone together was Jungkook’s party. Everyone is doing their own thing.” Taehyung informed with a deep sigh. “I do care about them, and miss them. But lately, it’s a bit of bother sometimes that I’m glad I’m away from them.”
You flung your eyes open in shock before turning to meet his attention. “What do you mean?”
“There’s just a lot going on in my own life, and I feel like they coddle or smother me with things.” He explained, but not enough to give too many details. He has yet to tell you what his current situation was and was a bit insecure about it. He knew you wouldn’t judge, you were the last person he’d ever think to judge, but the timing wasn’t right. He recently got you back into his life, but he thought it would be too much for you to find out what happened to your best friend all these years in between. A bit ashamed, really.
Unlike him, you don’t further speculate. You hummed in response, moving forward from the topic. But you do say, “As you care for them, they care for you even if it’s the type you don’t want.”
He didn’t have any response to that. Instead, he shifted the topic to something lighter to mend his curiosity. “You know how you’ve been following the group and all,” The idol began and you waited for him to continue. “So who’s your favorite in the group?”
With that, a hearty laugh spewed out of your lips with your shoulders shaking. Taehyung’s eyes widened at your giddy expression. This was the first time he heard you laugh so hard since the reunion. If anything, in a while for that matter. He missed that wonderful sound, seeing the happiness and enjoyment shine off of you. It was the best thing he ever experienced with you.
“Why?” You asked as the giggling died down.
“I mean you’ve seen our content and finally met the guys, so I’m sure you would have a favorite.” Taehyung reasoned as he leaned back into the tree trunk. “Despite loving us equally, fans have those bias and bias wreckers, right?”
“They would freak out if they knew that you knew that.” You said before exhaling deeply. “I guess I do have a favorite.”
“Who?” He sounded way too excited there, then realized you probably never chose him so he shrunk into his body.
“Do you think it would have been you?” You inquired humorously.
“A-At first, but then, I forgot we’ve stopped talking and…you hated me.”
You observed his behavior, feeling rather unguarded of himself when he spoke. You sensed the shame seeping out of him. “Yeah, we didn’t talk but I never hated you, Taehyung.” You licked your lips, remembering the earlier times when you did say those hurtful words. “I did say it back then, but as I said, I never meant it.”
“So, does that mean I was your favorite?” His pupils sparkled underneath the moonlight.
“No, it’s Hoseok.” You replied scoffingly. “Even if I didn’t hate you, that didn’t mean I chose you as my favorite. Are you kidding me?” You say as you finished your dessert, and threw it into the bag.
“So why Hoseok Hyung?” The pout on his lips was so evident that he was somewhat offended you didn’t choose him. “What does he have that made you pick him?”
“First off, super talented with his rapping and dancing. I like his style, as an artist and for fashion. He’s practically innocent in all the shit you do with games and jokes, I feel bad sometimes just watching him get punished. Sweet, down to Earth, great smile, handsome, I forgot to sa—”
“Okay, I get it. You like him!” The idol interjected. His tone was infused with green envy as you were able to list down many characteristics about his member without thought.
You grinned at how he was being, but never acknowledged it so he wouldn’t be embarrassed as much. But maybe, just maybe you wanted to point another thing out. “It also sealed the deal when you had to kiss him as a penalty.”
A combination of grimace, scowl, and disgust appeared on his face at the horrible and traumatizing memory. It was a punishment, for something he can’t remember and didn’t want to, but it was still a punishment. It also didn’t help that that was his first kiss. Hoseok hated it, he hated it, and for that, it was lost in the past until you brought it up.
“Please, don’t bring that up.” He wallowed in agony, but you kept smiling. “Before you say anything else, yes, he was my first kiss. It’s one of the most tragic things ever.”
While he covered his face with his palms, he doesn’t notice the smile going flat on you as you watched him. Once he looked back up, you held the curves of the mouth up. “It’s fine. At least we both have shitty first kisses, but you had it with someone you care for.”
Taehyung muttered something you couldn’t quite comprehend before his phone vibrated on the grass. It caught both of your attention and saw that it was Clara messaging him. There were twenty-four messages specifically. He then grabbed his phone to view her texts.
The harsh taps on his screen followed him throwing his phone into his jacket. Frowning as he looked back up into the sky, he blew a sigh through his nostrils. He seemed frustrated, probably from what was said in between texts. You didn’t want to assume thought. You then checked the time and it was close to midnight. Maybe that had to do with it.
“We should go, it’s getting late.” You cleared your throat as you began gathering the trash bags.
His head turned in your direction, “Are you tired?”
“Kinda, I also have school and work tomorrow.” You stated. “You should go home too because Clara might get upset for not coming home early.”
“She’s fine.” He mumbled, waving it off. “I just told her we’re still having our dinner and stuff…”
He wasn’t necessarily lying, but it didn’t sound right either. “Was she okay with it?”
“Yeah, I guess so.” He shrugged before smacking his lips. “So do you wanna go home now? Don’t want you to stay out too late to have fewer hours of sleep. How’s that by the way?”
You rolled your eyes, grinning a little at his concern for your health. “Better, but I still don’t get the ideal eight hours. Grad school is a bit hard and time-consuming, so it’s nice to do things like this.” You gestured around you.
“So I’m assuming you don’t want to go yet?” The idol smirked as he nodded toward the parking lot.
You thought about it for a second. If Clara was fine with him staying out and spending time with you, then you guessed that it wouldn’t hurt to stay a little longer. You were enjoying the view before you when she texted. “Maybe a few more minutes.” You held your thumb and index up, signaling a tiny space between the two as emphasis.
Taehyung chuckled at your demeanor, he saw more of a playful you opening up. He too didn’t want to leave just yet, and certainly not leave because his girlfriend said so. This was his time with you, and he wanted to cherish it.
The both of you continued to sit in silence, gazing into the city night. This place was a perfect spot to see the bridge, the buildings, and the lights, yet remained secluded. It was fascinating to you how different Seoul nights were compared to Geochang. Your hometown wasn’t as crowded and you would always see familiar faces. However, here, every day was different, and areas were swarming. Though the majority of the customers were old, working at the restaurant made you shocked at how late people enjoyed going out. If anything, Geochang had an unofficial curfew at ten at night.
As you were staring, there was a little voice in your head shouting about Clara. After meeting and conversing with her, you saw how genuine and lovely the socialite was. She was invested in the things you spoke about as well as passionate about what she does but remained as humble. Clara would ask questions about how Taehyung was when he was younger and learned more about her boyfriend.
You didn’t hate her, there was no reason to. She was always good to you, but deep down, you felt somewhat uncomfortable being near her. You found yourself comparing her to you, and you didn’t understand why. After all, she was Kim Taehyung’s girlfriend of five years—that was a long time and would probably marry her.
While you were just an estranged friend from his younger years.
“So…” You spoke out, taking his attention away from the scenery. “I didn’t mention it before, but good to see you with someone. You and Clara.”
“Really?” He sounded in disbelief.
“Yeah,” Your pitch was a little higher than usual, but you were genuine.
The entire time you’ve known him, he never voiced out liking or wanting anyone. It concerned and agitated you at one point, even when he left for training. You really don’t know what happened in that ten-year gap, but he came out with a pretty steady girlfriend who loves him dearly.
“At least by now, I know you can fall in love or have a crush on someone.” You quipped as you nudged him by the shoulder. He stayed quiet for a bit, processing what you said but you continued with your speech. “I think Clara’s great for you, almost complementing your entire aura. You have an old soul while she’s very refreshing.” While you blabbered away about his girlfriend, Taehyung felt sour and filled with a grimace which he tried his best to cover it up with a deadpan. “On top of it all besides being sweet, Taehyung, she’s so gorgeous. You would pick someone like her. She’s so pr—”
“Excuse me, ___.” He cuts you off with irritation oozing out of his pores. Your eyes stayed on his, wondering what set him off on what you said. You weren’t saying anything negative or ridiculing at all. “You know you’re beautiful too.”
His words threw you off, making you snort in disbelief and shook your head. Why did that even matter right now? You kept a joyous expression in contrast to the seriousness Taehyung held. “I know…ish.”
That was also true. You have grown to accept and love yourself for who you were and what you looked like after many adolescent years of struggle. Your features didn’t exceed the high standards of Clara, but you made it a point and lifestyle in your grown life that before your grandmother died, she always mentioned how uniquely captivating you always were, looking different in the best way possible.
Of course, it was shocking to get compliments from others. As well as your conscious had a habit of making you compare yourself to others, whether it was good or bad. Like for this instance—Clara.
But you wanted to breeze on from his statement. “But that’s beside the point—”
“No, I hear that tone, ___. You’re comparing yourself to her.” Taehyung informed as if it was a fact about you, which it was. Yet you didn’t want him to know that.
You sighed, not understanding the big deal of it all. “I’m not talking down on myself! I swear. I’m just saying…” Your eyes shifted down to the ends of your dress. “Clara is pretty and you really won with her.”
“I don’t care about pretty. I love beautiful.”
That caused you to lift your head and meet his eyes, which you didn’t know pierced at you for who knew how long. You didn’t even realize how near he has gotten to you. The fabric of your clothes touched his pants. Your torsos twisted to continue the eye contact.
The look on him…was a familiar feeling and time. It held something you didn’t want to see or think about after those years of struggle because if you did, another wall buried deep down inside your entity would come crashing down.
“Taehyung, you can’t—”
“I can.” He disagreed, leaning closer. “Because I remembered promising you that I’d show you how beautiful you are, how special you really are, ___.”
“This literally has nothing to do with me!” You refuted, trying to deny any claim he had about you. But you stayed frozen as he slowly inched forth. It wasn’t odd because Taehyung was always known to be affectionate, but it sure was concerning you right now. “Can’t I compliment your gorgeous girlfriend?”
“No, because she already gets that from everyone around her. She doesn’t need any more of that.” He grumbled. His eyes quickly glanced down at your face, enough for you to notice. “But it relates to you because of your eyes. They held insecurity and concern, I remember that look. It was the same look when you got your heartbroken back in middle school by that dumbass boy.”
It surprised you at times, how Taehyung was able to catch on and read you like a book even after years of disappearance. From the first couple of months of renewing the friendship, not a time goes by when he remembered little things about you despite your constant protest of being a changed person. Maybe personality-wise shifted into a cruel sarcastic approach, but the habits were consistent.
Albeit to your annoyance to him on that, you couldn’t help but do the same more often than you should.
“___, when I say this, I mean it and I take it to my grave,” Taehyung announced, irises boring at yours with no play. “Stop comparing yourself to others. I know it’s hard, but it’s harder to live with it. It doesn’t help you or the others around you. I never liked when you do that.”
You bit the inside of your cheek, hearing his objection. You didn’t want what you said to end up like this, but there was no doubt that he interpreted it to a t. You didn’t think he’d still care enough about you like that. What else goes on in his head that you didn’t expect?
Out of nowhere, he held your cheek with his palm, snapping you out of your daze. He was now so close to you that with any movement, something would touch. It was like before when you were younger with him and had the status of a best friend with a purposeful and deeper meaning. “You’re still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life, ___.” Your pupils dilated at his reveal. Cheeks spreading with flushness and warmth you hated to expect. “Wouldn’t want any better. Any person would be lucky to have you.”
Excuse me? He said that way too personally. Why the fuck would he say that to you? It started to frighten you, furrowing your eyebrows and cocking your head to the side. Yet he focused on your reaction with sincerity, nothing in what he spoke upon held no lie and you knew it.
There was a pause in the air, holding your breaths. The familiar warmth to your irises soothed his body down just by the look. It was as if his vision pulled him back in time where he saw you exactly like this, underneath a tree late at night with sparkles gleaming on you. The swift capture of your thirteen-year-old self before your current self settled before him. He wanted this moment to last for as long as he remembered.
And without thinking, he closed the gap between you two as he shuts his eyes and puckered his lips.
Hoping to find softness and sweetness, but there was no avail on the other side. It was the complete opposite. A harsh reddened ache ran through his cheek before he peeled his eyes open to reveal a raging you fueled with perfidy.
You smacked his face again, but this time harder than the last before you pushed yourself away from him, almost a meter away. Your mouth gaped as you stood up from the grass and patted yourself clean to get the fuck away from him.
Eyes widening as large as a goldfish, Taehyung realized what he tried to do. Scrambling to get up and beg for redemption, he tried to speak but you interrupted him. “Here I thought you wanted to be my friend again, but you deceived me and I don’t want nothing of it!” You snarled before grabbing your bad and shouldering it over.
“Wait, ___. I’m sorry! I don’t know what c—”
“Save it! I don’t wanna hear your bullshit!” There you walked away from the scene angry and disappointed with shame all over you. You needed to get away, you couldn’t stay. But you were pulled back by the wrist and twirled around to see a worried and frightened idol searching for mercy on you.
“___, please. I-I’m sorry, I—”
You snatched your wrist back, breathing through your nostrils in hopes it calmed your wrath. “I don’t care if you’re sorry! Fucking think about your girlfriend! Why would you even fucking dare to do that?”
“I-I wasn’t thi—”
All of sudden, you yanked him by his collar. Pulling him close to see the break of trust in your livid pupils, you seethed, “I will not be some home wrecker.” You pushed him roughly, almost making him imbalance but he stabilized his feet. “You lost my trust. I don’t wanna fucking see you anymore.”
You never looked back and continued your path out of the park. You thought he would have followed you again, but when you heard the cries of your name at a distance, you knew he wasn’t going to try. Maybe you were too rash, or maybe you said things you didn’t mean. It didn’t matter anymore.
But you knew that if you ever saw him again, you would think differently of him.
Tagged: @manuosorioh @kaal-ee @thvxstf @dahliasbouqet @bertqut1 @fuckthinking @taebangtanbabe
#taehyung x reader#taehyung fic#taehyung fanfiction#kim taehyung x reader#taehyung smut#taehyung angst#taehyung fluff#kim taehyung fanfic#kim taehyung#bts fanfic#bts fluff#bts smut#bts x reader#matcha masterlist
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Welcome weebs and friends
What is this blog?
Inspired by similar blogs, the purpose of this account is to ask Tumblr which anime they have seen or not using polls.
Posting a mix of top rated anime + YOUR suggestions ✨ Read more below the cut
Check tags on this post for easy access/filtering !
I will start with the Top 100 anime as listed on Anilist, ranked by average score, and working my way down. From that list I will exclude movies (there's a blog for that!), specials, music, and OVA when relevant.
Alongside that, I will take requests via ask ! Just check in the top 100 first :)
Disclaimer : this blog has a purely informative purpose, and I do not endorse in any way the content of featured animes. Watch at your own discretion.
Content
To avoid being redundant, multiple seasons of the same anime will be grouped into a single poll, with one option for each season/named arc. I will not include animes that are still airing, and wait for later.
Each post will contain a poll with the following options :
I've never heard of this anime
No (I have not seen this anime)
Up to season [number / name of season]
Partially (for 1-season animes)
Yes (I completed this anime)
When I feel this is necessary, I will include content warning for the show. You are strongly encouraged to do your own research before watching anything, see below.
Tags will include various things such as dates, name in various languages, AL rating, genre... idk I'll see! I love tagging so feel free to send requests
FAQ
Can I recommend multiple animes ? Yes ! I would prefer if you send one ask for each though, it makes it easier for me to manage.
How do I know if something was submitted already ? I have a Kanban board with all the backlog, you can have a look there
What is your pp/header ? They're both from The Apothecary Diaries ! I'll change from time to time with stuff I watch and like
Can you recommend me something to watch ? Yes I'd love to !!!! Send me an ask or a DM, it might take a bit of time though
Furthermore
To know more about content warnings, you can ask in the comments, or use this crow-sourced website doesthedogdie.com. Keep in mind that you may encounter spoilers. Stay safe uwu
Shameless self-promo : check out my manga/anime sideblog @lost-in-mangaverse ! I don't post much there don't worry
Profile picture by @tatakaeeren ! Support your local gifmakers 💖
Like this blog ? Check out @haveyoureadthismanga-poll @haveyouplayedthisgame-poll @haveyouplayedthisgame-poll, and find many more in the post below !
#poll blog#anime#current rate: 2 polls/day#haveyouseenthisanime poll#submission#■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ 'not a poll' tags: ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■#not a poll#recommendation#poll results#■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ release date tags: ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■#70s#80s#90s#2000s#2010s#2020s#■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ watch % tags: ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■#0-25%#25-50%#50-75%#75-100%#■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ Misc. tags: ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■#ongoing#completed#hiatus#11-13 ep#22-24 ep#25-50 ep#50+ ep#100+ ep
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this post contains a lot of information on how to best navigate my blog because I am not everyone's cup of tea, I highly urge everyone to give this a read, you will read my byf, dni criteria!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ note: this is a side blog, so if I like your vibe/blog, chances are I'll follow you. The notification you will get is from my main, which is @toji-girl-main (I share some yummy fan art of multi-fandoms and I reblog a lot of nsfw posts as well! so go follow me there for that :) minors and ageless blogs still dni!!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ I post a lot of drabbles and shorts, sometimes they are smutty fluff or angst, it just depends on my mood and I don't have any sort of posting schedule, I don't get paid for this, it's my hobby outside of my life, nor does my writing reflect my own personal beliefs nor do I endorse doing any of these IRL! this is all for fictitious purposes!!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ a lot of the blurbs are just things that pop into my head and I wanna share them, sometimes I will expand the idea but it's mainly just a lil thing!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ there will be longer one-shots but those are kinda rare honestly lmaooo but if the idea/plot/ask rubs me the right way then I will pour myself into it lmaoo
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ I consume/write dark content so be aware you will see things that could possibly trigger you, make sure to filter out tags/words! but honestly, I prefer the darker things to read, my DC things are mostly intox kink, cnc, dubcon, and somno!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ at times I will use this blog as my main too because this one has a shit ton more followers and interactions are better on here than my main which is used mostly for fanarts and stuff, but sometimes my wires do get crossed and what should go to my main goes here and vice versa! I also post a lot and delete them after so if you see a post and you don't...that's why lmaoo
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ I have a lot of notifications and stuff going on here and IRL so I will miss things and most likely accidentally forget to send you a message or get back because I have a pea-sized brain and I forget about things very easily and it needs to be dangled in front of my face more than likely lmaoo so please be aware of that!!!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ I self-ship and will talk about that A LOT!! I don't usually ship characters together but if I do then I am somewhere in the middle lmaooo so please be aware that a lot of my writings are self-ship coded, Toji x Minx (Minxi) is my top ship and you will read a lot about that, also Toji x Minx x Shiu is my second ship (Minfushshiu) and I talk about my other loves!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ I have had plenty of blogs and I can bet you've seen my stuff around before so if you see me posting stories that came from the deleted one, this is my new one so please do NOT report me or anything kzdgbjd and I know that can be quite annoying but any comments or asks regarding that will be deleted.
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ before you follow and interact with me know that also, I set all the character's ages to be over 21 no matter the canon!! , if you don't agree just block me and move on because I will not argue with you, don't have the time for that nor will I waste my energy.
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ I love to chat! however, I do not appreciate being trauma-dumped on, so please avoid that!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ know that I don't engage in any hateful posting or anything like that, I didn't join this website to bully, I joined to share my stories and make friends along the way so if you send me any hate about anything it will just be deleted and you will get blocked.
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ any ask that is anon you are complying with my rules that you are over the age of eighteen, if I find out you are not you will be blocked.
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ if I see someone who is over the age of eighteen interacting with minors, you will be blocked, doesn't matter the age of consent, they are still minors, and at 18 you are legally an adult.
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ this blog is NOT spoiler-free, but I rarely post anything about that!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ this post has who I write for, what and won't I write for, etc!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ sometimes I get burnt out so answering asks will take a while! if you see me posting anything new but not your ask know that I am probably most likely reuploading things! I do like hoard asks sometimes!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ if you find yourself being blocked by me know that there are a few reasons for that: you are a minor and or an ageless blog, I don't like your vibe, I fit your DNI, you fit my DNI, you spam like with no reblogging, and whatever else reason I have.
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ if you block me, make sure to do it as a hard block because there is a good chance I'll follow you back and I never want to make anyone uncomfortable!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ I absolutely adore emoji anons and having a character-anon but I please ask that you send me a message prior to sending me an ask!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ please please tag me in things!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ there will be a lot of shitposts and those said posts will be deleted a lot of the time lmaooo
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ this is subject to change whenever I see fit. 05/20/24
do NOT interact if you fall under these
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ if you're an adult who interacts with minors/lets them on your page and that includes those 17 and under!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ you are a thinspo blog or anything like that, also if you glorify what is happening to Gaza and believe that is right and stand with it then stand away from me, if you are racist or anything like that stay far away from me as well!! if you're an asshole in general and don't believe that people deserve to have the life they should have then dni!!!
‧₊˚♡˚₊‧ if you spam like and don't reblog! reblogs and comments are appreciated and they let me know if you enjoyed it!
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