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andersonlore · 4 months

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currently thinking about....

doctor!abby who you meet for the first time when she’s covering the emergency room. you’re a patient, suffering from abdominal pain and a high fever. it’s pretty quiet, and it’s also three in the morning on a wednesday. late night shifts weren’t unfamiliar territory for her, she only had a few more hours left and she would be calling it a night.

doctor!abby who greets you with a soft smile as she glazes over your chart, before introducing herself. even with all the pain you’re in, you try your best to muster the courage to put on your best face, but you’re in pain and it’s evident.

doctor!abby tells you she wants to run a few more tests after you explain to her what brought you back in here. she tells the intern to notify her when your test results come back in. she believes it’s your appendix, inflamed and your symptoms masking themselves as a flu doesn’t help. it’s why the last hospital had missed it when you came in a week ago.

doctor!abby attempts to stir the thought of you from her mind. you're a patient. she's your doctor, and she'll be your surgeon if she's right about your prognosis. abby can't think about how you're extremely easy on the eyes. how your eyelashes compliment your eyes, accentuating the darling hue she could get lost in if she allowed herself. your voice floats over her heart like honey, sweetening her up at her very core. it's sickening how she wants to swallow every bit of it.

doctor!abby finds it a little hard to believe she feels this way just after one brief interaction with you. she prides herself on being professional, being distant enough from the patient. she has to be, her focus needs to be lasered when she's in the operating room. she can't think of how beautiful you are, how much she wants to flirt with you, and how she would if she'd met you anywhere but this godforsaken hospital. god has a special kind of torture for making you her patient. she can just be your surgeon. cut you open, patch you up, and send you back home. it's all she can do.

doctor!abby wants to uppercut this intern’s jaw. it’s really not their fault, but you’re undeniably in pain and they were attending to another patient before giving your results to the lab. but it’s more than clear with the results coming back, it’s your appendix and she’s sure at this point it’s ruptured. fresh tears spring to your eyes as she explains they need to get you into surgery right away, before any further damage can happen.

doctor!abby watches as you wipe your tears away, embarrassed you’re crying in front of the stupidly hot doctor. it’s mortifying, and you hated to be like this in front of anyone. abby’s expression is focused, cold even. she reassures you the intern is going to prep you for surgery, the weight in your shoulders drops, but the pain persistent.

doctor!abby who is elated when the surgery goes smoothly. you wake up several hours later with slight discomfort, but you’re recovering nicely. she was supposed to leave the hospital hours ago, but couldn't bring herself too. the thoughts of you coming out of anthesia after your surgery, telling her how gorgeous she is and how briliant she is to save your life.

doctor!abby who was thankful you wouldn't remember her cheeks flushed, dazed eyes and a stupid smile from your compliment alone — thankfully no one to see how unprofessional she was being. how her stupid, caring heart couldn't seem to control itself around you. she blamed your eyes. they were too easy to get fall for, making her get lost in nostalgia, as if she’d loved you in some past life.

doctor!abby who thinks about you even after you’re discharged. you’re home, healthy, and should be out of her mind but you’re not. your existence stretched into every thought of hers. god, maybe it’s impenetrable, rose-colored glasses affecting her judgement, but she wonder what it would be like to see you out of the walls of this hospital. she imagines picking you up for a first date, holding your hand sweetly even if she was nervous — god — she thinks about kissing you the most. she would savor every moment if you let her.

doctor!abby who happens to see you again at dina’s place or more accurately, you’re waiting in the pouring rain, downright soaked. lightning paints the skies, cracking thunder rumbles making you jump as your rubs your hands along your forearms trying to regain some warmth. she’s never been more thankful for her loud neighbor. of all the people in the seattle area dina could be friends with it’s you. the woman she can’t stop thinking about, the beautiful goddess she dreams about is within her reach and she’s definitely going to take advantage of it.

abby softly greets you not wanting to frighten you, declaration of her appearance known as she says your name eloquently. it’s the hot doctor, oh my god. oh my god.

“dr. anderson?” you question, a hint of a smile wanting to escape and abby takes note. your hair is wet, silky, hint of curls forming. drops of the rain flow over supple cheeks, falling over wet lips.

yet again, abby is reminded of just how beautiful you are. butterflies swarm the pit of her stomach at your excitement to see her. you’re surprised but you can’t stop looking at her. it’s a relief, the hope you might feel the same as her.

“please, just abby.” so distracted by her, domineering presence you noticed the umbrella she had, shielding you from the dreadful rain. but it really didn’t seem too terrible. not when she was in your company.

abby was shed of her white coat, only wearing navy blue scrubs and simple tennis shoes for comfort. biceps sculpted to the heavens, slightly wet from the rain which seemed to make them appear even more delicious. you want to eat her right up.

“i’m so confused. you live here?” abby gestures to the house right next door. “yeah, right next door.”

“i was just coming home and you looked…..wet.” abby silently cursed herself for being so goddamn awkward. it was worth it though, your small laugh an equal reward.

“if you want, you can come to mine. dry off, not get completely soaked while you wait for dina.” abby offers sweetly. “totally up to you, but my home is pretty damn cozy. warm too.”

the two of you are smiling like idiots. abby’s hoping you say yes and you’re thinking about how adorable she is, despite how physically terrifying she may appear.

“okay….yeah. i might be into that.”

“yeah?” abby’s voice changes, dropping into a tone you hadn’t heard before. it’s pure velvet and you want to feel it on your skin. you want to feel all of her. she leads the way as you stay under the umbrella, impossibly close to her as she protects you from the rain.

doctor!abby who gets you a change of dry clothes, a crewneck sweater and sweatpants. she can’t help but notice how adorable you look in her clothes. abby tries to do her best not to flirt with you as you’re sitting on her couch, but she fails. she’s asking normal questions, non-sequential small talk, but her hand is on your thigh. though the cotton is thick, her touch lights a fire between your thighs.

doctor!abby who nearly combusts when you start touching her arms, her shoulder, ghosting longer her thigh. but they find home elsewhere. fingers delicately smoothing over the end of her braid. abby can’t stop the way her heart stops, and then continues. the blonde strands wrap around your finger like a vice, clinging onto you as if it’s the sole purpose of existing.

doctor!abby who can see the ember shining in your eyes, the way you’re looking at her, like you might just eat her whole. fuck, she would let you too. she’d let you do whatever you want.

“i bet you look beautiful with your hair down.” you tell abby, inching forward, your thigh touching hers. “but you’re beautiful like this, too.”

“beautiful? me?” abby questioned as if it wasn’t obvious.

“don’t play dumb, dr. anderson.”

“i told you to call me ab—” her words just stop when you sling your left leg over, straddling her, grinding your hips just slightly before you fully press your weight on her. she sighs at the contact. feels s’good, having you this close.

wordlessly, you slowly undo her braid until every blond strand is free, her scalp thankful for it. abby moans as you run your fingers through her hair. your bring it over her shoulders on both sides, cradling her face in the palm of your hands.

“you really think you’re not? you’re going to sit here and pretend like you’re not the most beautiful woman i’ve ever seen?” abby blushes, supple cheeks close to crimson, but she doesn’t look away.

“yeah, baby? you think so?”

“i know you are.”

abby lifts her hips cockily, smirking as the moan leaves your lips. all these layers, but being pressed up against her is doing something to you.

“i guess blonde doctors are your type then, huh?”

“only when they keep checking up on me when they didn’t have to.” your hands rest on her hips, as you lean into her, nose pressed against hers, lips ghosting over her very kissable ones.

“i was just doing my job, you know?”

“sure you were, dr. anderson.” abby grunts, aggravated you won’t just say her name again. she needs to hear it.

she can feel your breath on her lips, if she just moved slightly upwards, she’d be kissing you. she wants to, needs to.

“you want to kiss me.” your pupils dilate and your voice trembles.

“say my name and maybe i will.”

“so it’s that easy?”

“mhmmm, that easy.” abby hums, and her name is about to fall off your lips. tragically, dina walks through abby’s front door before you get the chance to. you’re not embarrassed to be found on abby’s lap, and dina knows it too. she just laughs and asks if you’re ready to go.

you whisper in abby’s ear before biting gently, “until next time, dr. anderson.”

an. omfg i actually like something i wrote???? wild.

#✭・۪ ⊹ ֗ ray’s works #if you're a med student....do not come for me pls #yes i’ve been watching a lot of grey’s anatomy and thinking about abby being my doctor #abby anderson x reader #abby x you #abby the last of us #abby anderson x female reader #abby tlou2 #abby anderson tlou2 #abby anderson x fem!reader #abby anderson x you #abby anderson x y/n #abby anderson x poc reader #abby anderson x masc reader #abby anderson smut #abby anderson fluff #abby x reader

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siren-444 · 5 months

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starryturrtle · 7 months

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It's been forever since I've posted I'm so sorry I have no reason as to why I just haven't felt like it🧍‍♂️ anyways I've been obsessed with teacher/student relationships even tho I'm a minor and it's generally wrong...before yall get on my ass I don't encourage this irl and the only reason I rlly like the idea is cuz I was groomed multiple times in the past😭

Teacher x fem student reader

Warnings: teacher student relationship, readers age not specified, cockwarming, cheating, p in v sex, self indulgent, implied manipulation and grooming

M!Teacher who notices your grade slipping so he asks you to meet with him after school so he can help

M!Teacher who's eyes linger on you longer than the rest of his students

M!Teacher who's constantly leaving little touches

M!Teacher who runs his finger through your hair while you confide in him

M!Teacher who calls you the most perfect and beautiful girl when you act insecure

F!Reader who begins to grow attached to her teacher and does everything possible to have his validation

M!Teacher who uses this to his advantage and begins to spend more and more time with you

F!Reader who wears short skirts and low cut blouses just to have her teacher look at her longer

M!Teacher who invites you to his house to help you with school but ends up with his tongue down your throat

F!Reader who's never been loved or touched by man so she spends every moment with him begging for his affection

M!Teacher who switches your class so his free period is right after your class ends

M!Teacher who then keeps you after class during his free period bent over his desk with his cock deep inside your tight walls

M!Teacher who sends you to your next class late with his cum dripping out of you and a note excusing you for being late because he was "helping" you

M!Teacher who keeps you after school so you can cockworm him while talking about your day and interest

M!Teacher who is happily married with kids so you're his "dirty little secret"

F!Reader who felt bad but he reassured her she meant the world to him and the only reason he didn't leave his wife for you was for your safety

M!Teacher who convinces you that know one will ever love you like he does

Ughhh I need this so bad uhmm let me know if you liked this or want me to turn this into an actual story:33

#teacher crush #tc community #teacher x student #student reader #teacher attachment #teacher x reader #teacher love #fem reader #teacher x student reader #i need a teacher to love me #dont actually date your teacher pls #teacher crush community #male teacher x female student #male teacher crush

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minimallyminnie · 6 months

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The Most Suspicious students of Twst would…

Platonic or romantic <3 gn reader

Azul Ashengrotto would be the type to buy your favorite things in bulk. Whether it’s any type of food or any stationery, anything. He’ll get it in boxes just for you to smile. Different color? You got it. Different material? Hell yeah. Anything for you!

Floyd Leech would happily tackle you to the ground when he sees you passing during free time. And I mean tackle. He digs his head into the crook of your neck and happily just stays and talks about his day.

Jade Leech would cook for you. Malewife style, with the apron and everything. He loves seeing how your eyes just light up with glee as you smell your favorite food when he comes and hangs out with you. It tastes amazing and somehow, it feels like he added his own touch as well.

Jamil Viper will and has definitely dressed up together before for fun. You two mix and match outfits in the stores and even if he rolls his eyes at it, he wears it. If you’re lucky, you can sneak a picture of Jamil unconsciously smiling while wearing one of the outfits. Be careful to not get caught!

Rook Hunt leaves poems of appreciation for you everywhere you look. Even in the most unlikely places. He hand writes them and they’re always unique. Bad day? Welcome home to see poems everywhere of silly but amazing poems that touch your heart and brighten your day everytime. How does he know you smile even when he’s not there? Well, maybe you’ll find out one day.

Lilia Vanrouge serenades you in his club room, serenades alright. Surprise! It’s your favorite songs! He can play a bunch of instruments so request for any songs and instruments and he got you! He can also sing if you’d like him to, if he doesn’t know the song, he’ll listen to it before playing it the next time you come to the room.

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glorystark · 14 days

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Mr Barnes | teacher!Bucky Barnes x student!reader

Summary: Your English English teacher finally finds out why you’ve been failing your classes and he isn’t disappointed.

Warning: TEACHER X STUDENT, smut, age gap (reader is like 22 and Bucky like 30), fingering, oral sex (female receiving), unprotected sex (don’t do this), language

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

You entered the class sighing hoping that he wouldn’t come today. You didn’t see him the whole day which was a good sign that he hadn’t come to school today. You took your seat which was in front of his desk which didn’t help the anxiety rushing through you. It’s not like you didn’t like your English teacher, no it was quite the opposite. It wasn’t easy to be taught by a hot college teacher who you assumed was about ten years older than you. You are always distracted by him and constantly the thoughts of him inside you, that you can’t even concentrate on the lesson anymore. You knew it was wrong but you just couldn’t get rid of the feeling.

You hoped someone would walk in the classroom, telling everyone that your teacher wouldn’t be here today, but all your hopes were ruined when Mr Barnes stepped into the room closing the door behind him, slightly smiling at everyone. He took his seat and said good morning which you all answered back as well.

”Alright guys before we start today’s lesson, I need to talk about your last test and your grades. This class is divided into three groups. There is group one with amazing grades and great participation in class, there is group two with good grades and ok participation in class and then there is group three, which well pretty much sucks” He chuckled and everyone laughed.

You already knew in which group you were. You weren’t a bad student at all, in fact you were a great student. But you sucked in English and he was the only reason why.

“Now” he said as he rose his hand to run it through his soft looking hair and his long fingers slipped between the strands. You imagine your own hand in his hair while he his fingers move in and out of you furiously. Just thinking about it you could feel the wetness between your legs, you squeezed your thighs harshly gritting your teeth. “here are the results.”

He started handing the papers out and as he handed you your paper, he smiled softly and his fingers brushed against yours making you jump slightly which made him frown.

“You alright miss Y/L/N?”he asked kindly

“ Y-yeah I'm fine.” you stuttered, he nodded his head walking off.

The rest of class was practically torture. You desperately trying to push away some certain thoughts while he was talking. You tried your best to concentrate but failed miserably, like always. When the bell finally rang you were one of the firsts to stand up and made your way towards the door until Bucky called your name.

“Hmm Y/N can you stay for a bit, there is something we need to discuss about.” you mumbled a 'ok' turning around, cursing in your head knowing you were in trouble because of your grades. You waited until the class was cleared out and once it was Bucky closed the door and walked over to you.

“ Y/N” the way he said your name made your core throb and you gripped the edge of the nearest table tightly. “I have been noticing your participation in my class hasn't been so great lately and your grades...” he slightly shook his head. “Is there any problem I can help you with? It's really surprising that your grades in my class are failing even though you are such a great student. I talked to your other teachers and English seems to be your only problem.”

You didn't know how to respond, I mean what are you supposed to say ' I'm sorry I can't stop thinking about you fucking me hardly on your table till I can't walk and that's why I'm failing your class.'

“You know you can tell me what's wrong, I can help you out.“ You know he can but he’s definitely are not thinking about the same solution as you. His eyes bore into yours as you let out a soft pant. “Tell me.”That's when you noticed you were standing closer than before.

“It's nothing Mr- Mr Barnes, I have been a bit distracted lately that's i-it.”

“ I can help you if you want, extra classes?” he said as he placed his hand on your shoulder and his hot washed over you which caused you to let out a small whimper. You slightly widened and bit your lip. You noticed a darker shade of his blue eyes and you knew he understood what was really going on.

“ I should l-leave.” you tried to make your way towards the door but he grabbed your hand. “Y/N you are not going anywhere right now.”

“But Mr Barnes-“

He cut you off by placing his lips on yours making you widen your eyes, again. His big hands gripped your waist and he pushed you against the wall, his lips moving hungrily against mine. You gripped the front of his shirt tightly, pulling him against you, your tongues battling with each other. You wrapped your legs around his waist and pulled him into you further.

He pulled away for a moment, his teeth into your bottom lip before letting go. You were both panting slightly looking at each other with lustful eyes. You couldn't believe your everyday fantasy was actually happening.

“ I should have known it was me.” he slowly ran fingers along your jaw. “the reason why you are doing so bad at my class.”

He leaned in smirking, his hot breath washing over your ear, his hands squeezed your breasts lightly over your t-shirt as his tongue flicked across the shell of your ear.

“Tell me doll have you ever imagined this before?”

His lips slowly made their way to your neck and he made sure they brush every part of your skin on their way. He started sucking a bruise onto your skin and you let out a moan, finally being able to run your hands through his hair.

“ Because I have.” he mumbled into your skin, surprising you with his words. “ I have imagined you like this so many times, pushed against the wall looking at me with those eyes.” His hands slid down your torso under your skirt and he skimmed his fingers across the silky material of your panties. You moaned, bucking your hips ever so slightly into his hands. “I have noticed you sometimes biting while staring at me with those eyes but I didn’t expect you were thinking like that.” he let out a soft chuckle “Tell me doll have you ever touched yourself with the images of me in your head ?” his fingers played with the edge of the crotch of your panties.

“Mr Barnes please-“

“Bucky.”

“ Yes Bucky I have, please touch me.” You begged desperately making him smirk.

His fingers pushed aside the material and skimmed across your clit. You gasped and pushed your hips forward, wanting him to push his fingers deep inside you.

“So wet?” he asked, making a 'tsk' sound with is tongue. You let out a gasp as his thumb began rubbing your clit in a circular motion. And without any warning pushing two fingers into your throbbing core making you moan loudly.

“Now doll I would love to hear you scream but we can’t have anyone find us.”

You nodded gripping his shoulders, wanting to feel his bare skin beneath your palms. You undid the buttons of his shirt with some difficulty and placed your hands on his bare chest.

“Fuck” you mewled, as his the speed of his fingers increased. He grinned, and curved his fingers to hit a spot that sent made you arch into him, your mouth falling open as you cried out. His hand covered your mouth. “Shhhh” he softly whispered.

You moaned as softly as you could as his actions continued to send bursts of pleasure shooting through every nerve in your my body, and you desperately bucked your hips against his, wanting to cum so bad.

“You close doll?” He asked looking deeply into your eyes. “Are you gonna cum on my fingers?” You could only nod knowing you can’t make any sounds at the moment.

“Let go, cum for me.”

“Bucky I- fuck I-“

“Do it.” He said, his fingers moving with incredible speed and your stomach clenched as your hands slid to his back under the shirt, and you held on to him for dear life.

So you did. Bucky’s hand covered your mouth again as you moaned against it, bucking your hips as you came, your toes curling, your eyes rolling back into your head, and his name falling from your lips along with a few profanities. He pulled his fingers out of you and you sighed, your head falling onto his shoulder as you tried to catch your breath. You could feel his erection in his jeans resting against your thigh. He took your chin on two fingers and made you look up at him.

“Satisfied?” He took your chin in his hand.

“Not until you fuck me.” You said as you removed his shirt completely. He smirked letting you reach for the buttons of his pants. You pulled them down along with his boxers, making his erection spring free. He groaned softly at the freedom, and you felt my eyes widen at his size.

“Surprised?” He asked ironically but you didn’t answer.

“Fuck.Me.”

That’s all he needed to hear to remove your t-shirt and skirt. Then he took your hand and let you to his desk, lifting you up so you were sitting on it. He placed his hands on either side of you and kissed you roughly, his tongue slipped between your lips and tangling with your own. You whimpered slightly and he pulled away.

“You are so beautiful.” He smiled sweetly at you before gently taking off your bra and panties, his hands brushing against your skin, sending chills all over your body.

He took his cock in his hand, pumping it slowly. He hissed and his brow furrowed.He spread your legs apart positioning himself at your entrance, he slowly pushed in, taking his time to fill you in, making sure you adjusted well.

You both hissed as he settled within you and he took one breast in his mouth, he began moving. You gripped the back of his neck as he sucked harshly on your nipple, while massaging the other breast with his large hand. His skin slapped against yours and you cried out softly, chanting and moaning his name as every part of your body came alive with pleasure. Your nerves were on fire and your my mind empty of every rational and coherent thought, Bucky taking over your very being. His thrusts were fast and hard, and he was grunting against your skin as he kissed you, your neck, sucked on your collarbone, your breasts and let his hands all over your body.

“Damn it, you're so tight” he panted, his mouth hanging open. “Fuck, this is better than every time I imagined it.”

So he really did think of you like this too. The very thought made you gasp and you tightened your grip on him, purring in his ear.

Bucky’s thrusts were becoming irregular and sloppy, and you felt the familiar knot in your stomach yet again. Your moans and movements were becoming more desperate as you wheeled closer and closer to the edge, and you kissed each other roughly to hold your loud screams in. What you were experiencing was hot and raw, full of a passion and hunger that took your breath away, something you’d never experienced in your entire life.

“I'm gonna cum-“ he gasped. “Yes, fuck, yes.”

Bucky’s cock twitched inside you and he cried out slightly louder than he should have, as he shot ropes of white hot cum within you, moaning your name andgrunting and swearing and goddamn, it was everything you’d imagined, except a thousand times better. His face was red, eyebrows furrowed in concentration, sweat beading on his forehead, his hair a mess, lips swollen, eyes rolled back in pleasure and his mouth forming a perfect ‘o', soft pants and your name coming out of his mouth. You knew you weren’t reacting any different, just moaning his name. But he didn’t stop after he came, making sure to send you over the edges too and just a few seconds later you tried your best to not scream too loudly while you came for the second time, this time around his cock.

He pulled out of you and you whimpered at the loss of his cock within you. He dropped to his knees, and gripped you thighs tightly, forcing your legs apart. His tongue furiously attacked your clit, sucking and nibbling ever so lightly on it occasionally, you squealed and wound your fingers in his hair, snuggling his mouth further into your core. Your thighs tried to clamp themselves shut around his face but he forced them apart with his hands, and you came for the third time that afternoon. You panted and cried his name, your hands tightening in his hair as you thrusted my crotch into his mouth, and his tongue continued its work till you were spent.

He pulled away and stood up as you came back down floating from your incredible high, breathing hard. He kissed you, but this time it was softer, gentler, less urgent. He pulled away and you saw his eyes were back to the sparkling blue they really were, and his smile was light but genuine. He stroked your cheek with his thumb once before dropping his hand and walking away to retrieve you clothes. You put them on in silence, and your mind was whirling with what had just gone down. You’d had sex with your teacher, and if someone found out, you could get into endless amounts of trouble. So could he. It was so wrong, but you didn't remember feeling this amazing in a long time. It might be wrong but it felt right.

“ So” he said, breaking the silence. “ I think I should apologize for being such a distraction for you. Not my intention.” He turned to smile at you, one end of his mouth curling upwards. You insides warmed up as the smile lit up his face and your heart melted.

” I think you sort of made up for it.” you mumbled shyly, straightening your hair with your fingers.

“ Hey how do you feel about Saturday going out with me for Coffee.”

“Mr Barnes-“

“Bucky”

“Bucky, if we go out people may see us together and we can’t risk that..”

His face fell but he still smiled slightly and you immediately felt bad. “ You are right, I could lose my job and you could lose your education, I’m sorry for asking.”

You felt terrible but smiled back and walked towards the door placing your hand on the door knob.

"Wait Y/N.” he said, and you froze. “Er, if you come over to my house, I could make you lunch or something. And that way, we don't have to worry about people seeing us.”

You smiled, but your heart went into overdrive at his words. The thought of being alone with him, in his house.

"I mean, only if you want to..." he said, and in his voice, you could sense that he was already thinking you’d refuse. So you turned around and smiled at him.

"That sounds okay." You nodded and Bucky smiled.

"Great." He said, grinning. “See you tomorrow, Miss Y/L/N . Don't be late for class or I may have to call you to stay back once more."

“ I’m not sure that’s a bad thing.” You smirked before getting out of the classroom ignoring the butterflies in your stomach…

#bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky x you #james buchanan barnes #winter soldier #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes x y/n #teacher x student #the avengers #marvel #mcu #bucky smut #bucky barnes x smut

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soahbee · 1 month

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Older men's hands are the perfect jewelry on girls' necks.

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nerdgirlnarrates · 3 months

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Even though it's been months since I switched from neurosurgery to internal medicine, I still have a hard time not being angry about the training culture and particularly the sexism of neurosurgery. It wasn't the whole reason I switched, but truthfully it was a significant part of my decision.

I quickly got worn out by constantly being questioned over my family plans. Within minutes of meeting me, attendings and residents felt comfortable lecturing me on the difficulties of having children as a neurosurgeon. One attending even suggested I should ask my co-residents' permission before getting pregnant so as not to inconvenience them. I do not have children and have never indicated if I plan to have any. Truthfully, I do want children, but I would absolutely have foregone that to be a neurosurgeon. I wanted to be a neurosurgeon more than anything. But I was never asked: it was simply assumed that I would want to be a mother first. Purely because I'm a woman, my ambitions were constantly undermined, assumed to be lesser than those of my male peers. Women must want families, therefore women must be less committed. It was inconceivable that I might put my career first. It was impossible to disprove this assumption: what could I have done to demonstrate my commitment more than what I had already done by leading the interest group, taking a research year, doing a sub-I? My interest in neurosurgery would never be viewed the same way my male peers' was, no matter what I did. I would never be viewed as a neurosurgeon in the same way my male peers would be, because I, first and foremost, would be a mother. It turns out women don't even need to have children to be a mother: it is what you essentially are. You can't be allowed to pursue things that might interfere with your potential motherhood.

Furthermore, you are not trusted to know your own ambitions or what might interfere with your motherhood. I am an adult woman who has gone to medical school: I am well aware of what is required in reproduction, pregnancy, and residency, as much as one can be without experiencing it firsthand. And yet, it was always assumed that I had somehow shown up to a neurosurgery sub-I totally ignorant of the demands of the career and of pregnancy. I needed to be enlightened: always by men, often by childless men. Apparently, it was implausible that I could evaluate the situation on my own and come to a decision. I also couldn't be trusted to know what I wanted: if I said I wanted to be a neurosurgeon more than a mother, I was immediately reassured I could still have a family (an interesting flip from the dire warnings issued not five minutes earlier in the conversation). People could not understand my point, which was that I didn't care. I couldn't mean that, because women are fundamentally mothers. I needed to be guided back to my true role.

Because everyone was so confident in their sexist assumptions that I was less committed, I was not offered the same training, guidance, or opportunities as the men. I didn't have projects thrown my way, I didn't get check-ins or advice on my application process, I didn't get opportunities in the OR that my male peers got, I didn't get taught. I once went two whole days on my sub-I without anyone saying a word to me. I would come to work, avoid the senior resident I was warned hated trainees, figure out which OR to go to on my own, scrub in, watch a surgery in complete silence without even the opportunity to cut a knot, then move to the next surgery. How could I possibly become a surgeon in that environment? And this is all to say nothing of the rape jokes, the advice that the best way for a woman to match is to be as hot as possible, listening to my attending advise the male med students on how to get laid, etc.

At a certain point, it became clear it would be incredibly difficult for me to become a neurosurgeon. I wouldn't get research or leadership opportunities, I wouldn't get teaching or feedback, I wouldn't get mentorship, and I wouldn't get respect. I would have to fight tooth and nail for every single piece of my training, and the prospect was just exhausting. Especially when I also really enjoyed internal medicine, where absolutely none of this was happening and I even had attendings telling me I would be good at it (something that didn't happen in neurosurgery until I quit).

I've been told I should get over this, but I don't know how to. I don't know how to stop being mad about how thoroughly sidelined I was for being female. I don't know how to stop being bitter that my intelligence, commitment, and work ethic meant so much less because I'm a woman. I know I made the right decision to switch to internal medicine, and it probably would have been the right decision even if there weren't all these issues with the culture of neurosurgery, but I'm still so angry about how it happened.

#I would love to do something about this but I have no idea how to #even the faculty that I do really admire and respect seem entrenched in some of these attitudes #it's really hard to convince people that women aren't traitors in the making #simply because we might get pregnant one day and need time off #oh I also heard people shittalking a resident that was on maternity leave #and saying she wasn't serious about neurosurgery #so it's just inevitable #I'm not the only female student that feels this way btw #there's a reason no women have applied to nsgy from my school in years #sexism #neurosurgery #surgery #medicine #medical school #med school #med student #medblr #my content #my text posts

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