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prismatales · 4 years

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Baby? (Yagi Toshinori)

Anon:could you do one where all might finds out his girlfriend/fiance is pregnant even though they thought she would never be able to have children? 👉👈

How dare you hit me in the feels Anon...I love you

...This had to be a joke...right?

Those two pink lines had to be some mistake, a sick joke from the 10% chance of inaccuracy from the pregnancy test clutched tightly in your shaking hands, breath coming out in shaky puffs just from looking at the dreaded plastic stick.

Why did the universe enjoyed torturing you and Toshi so much?

After years and years of trying, of taking overwhelmingly nasty home remedies, fertility treatments and going from clinic to clinic, you and your then boyfriend had given up on the dream of having a child together after the last medical check-up, hearing the news from the doctor together with that damned look full of pity on her face didn't help the situation one bit the moment she gave you the diagnosis.

"I'm really sorry to be the bearer of such disheartening news, but based on the results...It's highly unlikely you'll manage to conceive a child..."

That was five years ago, and each and every single time you stumbled upon the children's section at stores that heaviness inside would always come back, each time more painful than the last one in cruel mockery.

So...Why did you let Midnight talk you into taking this cursed test into the first place after seeing you rushing to the bathroom to empty the contents of your stomach for the third time that week, considering that by this point the answer would be more than obvious and you knew it better than anyone?

"What does the test say Y/N?" Nemuri's voice could was heard from the other side of the door, she could hear you pacing back and forth through the small room.

"It's says it's a god damn joke!" She could hear you yelling, if anyone came in the small bathroom they'd quickly notice how much you were trembling, tears dangerously close to come out from all the emotions growing inside of you at the same time...along with the small life inside of you.

If there's really something, or rather someone growing in there...

"Are you serious?!" Midnight yelled out in excitement and opened the door, but her expression faltered a bit when she saw you sitting in the toilet while glaring at the test in your hands with a look of doubt.

Both fear and happiness radiated off your whole being, happy at the idea of finally being able to become a parent alongside your now fiance, but you were also afraid it was only a false alarm, you knew the possible outcome that would come should this be just some fake hope. Toshi and you would definitely be devastated, it was already hard enough the fist time you got the news that having a baby would be nearly impossible...so if this was just a mistake you weren't sure if the both of you could take it.

"I'm scared Midnight..." Your hands grasped your head stressfully, afraid this was just a dream or some sick joke "What if it's just a false alarm? I don't think Toshi and I will be able to handle it..."

She quickly crouched down in front of your nervous self, hands caressing your shoulders comfortingly, she knows how sensitive this subject really was for both you and Yagi, so it's natural for you to be so afraid of stepping inside another clinic just to be let down once again. Pinching the bridge of your nose in frustration the only thing left to do was face this current situation and see what happens, dwelling in fear won't give you the answer you're looking for.

"I may not understand how you're feeling right now, but I'll assure you everything's going to be alright...besides, think about it from this perspective" She stood up in front of you with a smile "Isn't it a coincidence that you guys are finally going to be a happy little family after he retired?"

...Midnight had a good point, why did this happen right after Toshi officially retired as the symbol of peace and Number One hero? Maybe it was some kind of signal, telling you this was the perfect time to bring a little one to this world, the small flicker of hope inside you kept growing and growing, reassuring you everything would be fine.

You were not aware your hand was caressing the spot where the little one was growing, not until the thought of giving Toshi the news came to mind, a smile crept upon your face at the idea of telling him that before he'd realize there would be somebody around calling him "Papa", probably wearing one of his characteristics hero Onesie.

The fit of giggles that came out couldn't be contained, the mental image of a mini Toshi stumbling around the house as they struggled to follow their father around the house was too cute to handle, and Nerumi knew just what you were thinking just by looking at your face.

"I need to surprise him, would you help me plan something?" She smiled brightly by your question.

"Thought you'd never ask!"

..........

......

...

Yagi Toshinori came home with exhaustion running though his whole body after today's training session with class 1-A and his training with Midoriya, in that moment his one and only desire was to die into bed to have a well deserved rest and possibly spend some time with his lovely Y/N before delving into the land of dreams.

Especially after he barely had time so see you that morning because of the stomach bug you apparently caught most likely due to the takeout ordered from that new place, he'd have to make sure to send a complain if by any chance his fiance's condition happened to get worse.

"I am home!" His voice came out mixed with a soft laughter, ever amused by the little call you always enjoyed to hear every time he came home, living together was quite an adventure, something full of excitement, happiness and joy, it was something that you wouldn't change for anything in the world.

"I am in the kitchen!" You call back with enthusiasm, there's something that has you in a good mood it seems, considering you're not waiting for him in the living room reading that book you love so much with that look of serenity that always manages to put him in a good mood even with all the current events, it's something worth adoring that could make even the most stoic of persons remember we're just humans after all.

Despite the exhaustion coursing thought every inch of his body Toshinori make his way to the kitchen in a steady yet slow pace, nothing but curiosity driving each step, thoughts deep in wonder...what exactly happened that has you in such a euphoric mood? Not that he doesn't like it, but today there's something else boosting that happy mood.

Stepping inside the kitchen he's met with an unusual sight, in the first place there's a small pastel yellow gift bag sitting on top of the table, and you're sitting on the other side of the table, chin resting over your hands which are resting over the wooden surface, there's such a bright smile on your face it could illuminate even the darkest of nights, it's been a while since the last time he saw you smiling that brightly.

The last time he saw that kind of smile was probably when he proposed two years ago.

"Welcome home Toshi! How did class go today?" You asked cheerfully, a glint in those E/C colored eyes hinted for an incoming surprise, a big one by the looks of it so he played along with it to see just what kind of stuff you were going to pull out.

"Hard as usual, those kids are going to become some of the greatest heroes the world has ever seen" Yagi pulled out the chair in front of you and took a seat "Young Midoriya's improving greatly as well...if only she could see his improvement as well..."

His voice dropped quickly and it was so easy to figure out why exactly, after all he told you everything about Nana and the history with All for One, it was clear as water talking about this would always be a sensitive subject for Yagi.

You were quick to comfort him, standing up and softly wrapping your arms around his shoulders from behind "I'm sure Nana's watching everything from above...and even though we were unable to meet each other, I can assure you that she's proud of you and Midoriya"

Yagi's hands caressed your own and gripped it back carefully, it was his own way of thanking his love for being there for him despite everything that's happened so far, that's the very reason that made Yagi make up his mind the day he proposed, that's why he wanted you alongside him for whatever time he had left on earth.

"But enough of that, you have a surprise I do not want to ruin with my pessimist mood, what got my dear fiance in such a good mood?" He turns around in his spot to take a good look at your face, despite the recent conversation that smile is still there and doesn't seem to go away.

Pecking Yagi on the cheek before releasing him from the hug, the first thing you did was grab the gift bag in front of him before shaking it with enthusiasm, the sight was almost like watching a child getting riled up about their birthday present and was enough to make Yagi release a full fledged laugh at the way his fiance behaved.

"I got a surprise for you! And trust me when I say you did NOT see this coming!"

You hand him the bag before rushing for the phone to get his reaction on camera, it leaves him wary at first thinking it must be a prank, but on the other hand this good mood you're in it's more than enough proof it's something important.

"Should I expect something jumping at my face?" He chuckles.

"Just open your gift and take a look for yourself!" Your giggles are contagious, and with that motivation Yagi caves in and sticks his hand inside the bag, the ruffling inside riles up his curiosity tenfold when your literally start vibrating in excitement.

A few seconds later he finally pulls out a small pair of white baby shoes from the bag, they're small enough to fit a newborn and look even smaller when he's holding them in both hands, he just stares at them quietly for a while, there's not a bit of sound in the kitchen asides from your guy's breathing and the sounds outside from traffic and people passing by.

"What's this?" He can't help but ask, thinking is some game or something.

"They're shoes you dummy" You say from behind the camera, awaiting for his answer.

"I know what they are Y/N, but why did you buy this? They're small enough to fit a--" Yagi freezes on the spot, once he connects the dots his head whips around in you direction with wide eyes like a deer caught in the headlights.

"You're not joking...right?"

You shake you head with a smile, but before Yagi can say anything else you interrupt him.

"Look inside the bag, there's something else in there"

He rapidly starts rummaging through the bag and finds a white envelope that's quickly ripped open in a rush to get the paper inside it, his eyes quickly scan the contents of the letter before he turns back to look at you.

"This isn't a joke...right?" He asks you once again before looking back and forth between you and the papers in hand, practically shaking from everything he's feeling in that moment, it's actually a surprise to the both of you he hasn't started coughing up blood from the shock.

He stands up so quickly the chair scrapes against the titled floor, making a high pitched, ear splitting screech that neither of you seemed to mind, too distracted by the news to pay attention to anything else currently going on.

"Are you really...Are we really having a baby?!" He's standing in front of you, and the hope in his eyes makes it impossible to hold it in anymore.

"Yes! We're finally going to be parents!" You almost want to jump from happiness, but knowing Yagi he'd probably give you an earful before telling you to be careful, if the way he's constantly dotting over Midoriya isn't already proof enough.

Yagi quickly hugs you, strongly but carefully not to hurt you or the small life growing inside of you, he's only known about it for less than a few minutes and he's already being extremely careful with you.

"How long...?" He can't even speak properly, too close to tears and his voice comes out hoarse from how much he wants to cry in that instant.

"Four weeks, turns out the little one was the one responsible for the stomach ache, not the takeout" You laughed "I seriously hope you didn't send a complain"

"Who, me?" He pulls back, hands up in the air "No way!"

Good thing he forgot to call the restaurant in the midst of the whole surprise...

"Do you realize what this means?" Yagi quickly changes the subject, a glint in his eyes that can only mean one thing.

"We need to prepare the nursery asap!!"

"Oh my god Toshi, we still have 9 months to do so!"

"Nonsense, It's never too early, the quicker the better! Wait until young Midoriya finds out!"

"Should we get him an 'Honorary big brother' T-shirt?"

"Yes! And don't forget about the wedding! Should we do it before or after the baby's born?"

"Careful Toshi, Midoriya finally rubbed off on you"

This was going to be so much fun.

MASTERLIST

@t-amajiki @undead0relived @shoobirino @bnha-ra @godtieruwu @mysticalite

#mha imagine #bnha imagine #mha imagines #bnha imagines #bnha toshinori #toshinori yagi #yagi toshinori #all might #reader insert #female reader

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captainscanadian · 4 years

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Love Me Blue | Bucky Barnes x Reader (Poornima)

My Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Summary: Perhaps Bucky Barnes should thank his insomnia for being the reason why he met you. But you should thank the Hindu God of Love and Compassion for bringing Bucky into your life.

Word Count: 4500+

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Tamilian!Hindu!Reader

Warnings: MINIMAL TAMIL SONG LYRICS (I’m more than happy to translate!) & TAMIL CULTURE, References to Hinduism, PTSD, Insomnia, Endgame References.

A/N: This is my entry for @bucky-smiles‘s 3K Diversity Writing Challenge! My prompt was to write a fic with a Hindu reader. I decided to write this fic with a Tamilian reader because I am Tamilian. I was born in Sri Lanka and my mother’s side of the family are Hindu. Although I consider myself an agnostic theist, I do enjoy reading the epics of Mahabhrata and Ramayana. @jalapenobarnes & @fafulous, THIS ONE IS FOR YOU, MY CHELLANGALA!

It had been five months since the final battle against Thanos and his army had taken place. With Tony Stark’s demise and Steve Rogers’ decision to return to the past, Bucky Barnes found himself trying to reintegrate into society on his own and to the best of his ability.

Rhodey had been kind enough to offer him one of the spare residential apartments at the Avengers’ compound, and Sam was there to provide him with some counselling for the time being. There had been some talks about a designated therapist being appointed at the facility, but nothing had been finalized about that. It was very much needed though, as all of the heroes had suffered severe amounts of trauma due to the blip. Bucky wasn’t alone in that.

Even when he had a compound full of the earth’s mightiest heroes to aid him in his recovery, Bucky still felt as though he was going through it all on his own. He felt disconnected from reality and unbelievably lonely in this particular battle. Not to mention having to lose the one person whom he had known his whole life to old age. He really was alone in this battle with his own mind. There was no denying that.

While the rest of the team were slowly getting back into going on missions, he could not do the same. He had been fighting his whole life and needed to stop at some point. But it was easier said than done.

Bucky had a much harder time adjusting to life after the blip, considering that he was also trying to cope with more than seventy years of torture along with literally ceasing to exist in a matter of seconds. It seemed as though he could never get a break.

Needless to say, it was a rarity for Sergeant Barnes to sleep through the night. He would wake up in a cold sweat from some murderous nightmare almost every single night since he had fully moved into the compound. Finding himself unable to fall back asleep, he would pace back and forth in his bedroom until the crack of dawn before joining Sam for his usual workout session at the facility’s gym.

It was one of those dreadful nights when he had found himself having woken up from a nightmare. Pacing back and forth in his bedroom for what seemed like hours and desperately in need of some fresh air, he decided to step outside of his living quarters and take a walk around the compound. Being cooped up in his bedroom until the morning did not seem all that helpful to Bucky, so he might as well make use of the quietness of the night and sit by the lake for a few hours in hopes that it would calm down his nerves.

He still hadn’t told Sam about his nightmares, fearing that it might make the rest of the team feel weary about him. The last thing he wanted was for everyone to assume that the Winter Soldier was still buried deep within him. He wanted to forget him and move on with his life in the twenty-first century, even though he couldn’t just walk away from his guilt.

Throwing on his henley over his sweatpants, Bucky slipped into his shoes and stepped out into the brisky full moon night. He walked across the freshly cut grass, his destination being the lonely bench by the water where he would find refuge until the morning. But it wasn’t until he had reached the boardwalk that led up to the gazebo did Bucky realize that he wasn’t the only one who was up at this hour.

He saw the unfamiliar woman huddled under an oversized hoodie who sat cross legged on the bench. A pashmina scarf that was patterned with peacock feathers wrapped around her shoulders as she stared out into the moon’s reflection against the lake.

He stopped for a moment, wondering who she might be. He hadn’t seen her around the compound before, but he did not feel threatened by her presence either. After all, the compound was an extremely private property. Not everyone could easily enter the compound, or stay overnight as this woman was. And if there was one thing that Bucky knew about the occupants of the facility - everyone was meant to be a friend.

As the full moon reflected against the lake, the woman shrugged off her hood to reveal her thick curly hair that had been tied into a ponytail. A sigh escaped her lips as she pulled her scarf up to her neck.

She hummed an unknown tune for a moment before singing rather softly, in a language Bucky had never heard before. Yet he could not deny that she had the sweetest voice on the planet.

Nila malarntha iravinil thendral ulaavidum nadhiyil

Neela nirathu baalagan oruvan kuzhal oodhi nindraan

Kaalamellaam.. Kaalamellaam avan kaadhalai enni

Urugumo en ullam…

Kaatrinile varum geetham

Kangal panithida pongum geetham

Kallum kaniyum geetham

Kaatrinile varum geetham

Bucky’s lips curled into a small smile as he gathered up the courage to approach her, taken over by his own curiosity and certainly in need of a distraction from the reason why he had woken up at this hour in the first place.

The sound of his footsteps approaching had startled you slightly, making you gasp in response and turn around. Your eyes grew wide upon coming face to face with this rather familiar man although you were strangers. If it wasn’t his bright blue eyes or silky long hair that made you recognize him, the moonlight reflecting off of his metal hand certainly confirmed that he was exactly who you thought he was.

Up until now, you had only read about him in books and watched videos of him in the archival footage from the Second World War. Seven years ago, you had seen him on the news when he had been framed for the Vienna attack. But now seeing him in person, you could tell that he was anything but what the news outlets had made him out to be. He was an innocent man who meant no harm, and that made you feel at ease about his presence.

The super soldier froze in his tracks upon gaining your attention, his eyes growing wide at the realization that he had startled you. “Uh… hi.” He gave you a rather nervous smile as he slipped his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants.

“Sergeant Barnes.” You did not realize that you had been holding onto your breath until you exhaled upon saying his name. It was a sigh of relief and gratitude that you hadn’t been attacked by an unknown threat at the witching hour.

“Bucky.” He corrected you as he walked up to the gazebo. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Oh no, it’s fine… I just didn’t think anyone else was awake at this time.” You gave him a small smile as you shifted across the bench to make some room for him. “And I hate to admit that… recent events have caused me to act extra vigilant at times.”

“That makes two of us.” Bucky admitted with a sigh, walking around the bench to take a seat next to you.

You chuckled softly before nodding. “What’s got you up at this hour, Bucky?”

“Just couldn’t sleep.” He told you, not wanting to disclose the truth about his insomnia to a complete stranger. “How about you?”

“Jet lag.” You shrugged. “A few hours ago, I was relaxing on a farm in India. But now I’m in this highly secure compound that’s home to earth’s mightiest heroes. Sleep seems to be the last of my worries at the moment.”

Bucky was growing more curious about you, but he could not help but crack a smile at your choice of words. “Forgive me for not being aware of who you are, but I… I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before.”

“Oh right, I’m so sorry. I should have introduced myself.” You chuckled softly as you held out your hand for him to shake. “I’m Y/N Y/L/N, former SHIELD Agent and… currently second-in-command to Agent Hill. I’m here to oversee the Avengers while Agent Hill and Director Fury are busy with an undisclosed mission.”

“Hm… you’re the new boss lady that everyone’s been talking about.” Bucky noted, laughing softly as he shook your hand. “Pleasure to meet you, Agent Y/L/N.”

“Y/N.” You clarified, laughing softly. “I’m not sure how a mortal non-enhanced inexperienced human being like myself could ever be the boss of the finest team of superheroes. Just hours ago, I was living a fairly normal life on my family’s dairy farm in South India… hiding out from the harsh realities of the world, milking cows and hand churning butter. But Fury plucked me out of there, threw me on a Quinjet and told me that I was meant for something more than being a milkmaid… which according to him was leading the Avengers. Really puts my life into perspective, doesn’t it?”

He could not help but laugh softly at that, nodding his head in agreement. “Take it from the guy who was raising a bunch of goats in Wakanda before I was yanked from there and into the war against Thanos. After all that I’d been through, you’d think that I would want to stop fighting. And I do… sometimes, I want a normal life. I want to figure out my place here. But one thing I had to learn the hard way was that normal is relative and the best you could do is… try to find your new normal.” Perhaps, Bucky should take his own advice. “What’s the worst that could happen, right?”

“I have to be the boss of War Machine and the Falcon.” You reminded him. “Nothing worse could happen to me.”

Laughing softly, he shook his head. “Honestly, I’d pay to see that birdbrain be bossed around by someone.” He admitted.

But unbeknownst to him Sam had become quite fond of you after the events of the Battle of the Triskelion and he knew a little more about your interest in his supersoldier friends than the rest of the team. You better hope that he wouldn’t try to spill the beans to Bucky in an attempt to embarrass you.

“So, what’s your first order of business as the new lady of the house?” Bucky asked you.

You looked over at him before letting out a sigh. “My first order of business? Give my best friend the farewell she deserved. She sacrificed her life to save the world and no one even bothered to give her a proper funeral. I’ve made arrangements at the local Hindu temple in the city... to do what I can to pray that she rests in peace. She never believed in any of that, but I do.”

The next day, you found yourself rearranging the furniture around your living quarters, which was coincidentally adjacent to Bucky’s. You had set up a shrine for Lord Krishna in the corner of your living room, a few brass and wooden idols that you had brought from home arranged on a shelf along with a few oil lamps.

You were certainly grateful that Director Fury had allowed for you to pack your bags before he had flown you out here, considering that you wouldn’t have been able to live without your idol of Radha and Krishna no matter where you went. You may be a high ranking SHIELD Agent, but you were always a devotee of Lord Krishna before anything else. Being thousands of miles away from home was not going to change that.

A framed portrait of Natasha Romanoff hung in your office, a flower garland hanging around it. A part of you was well aware that she would loathe the fact that you had taken things this far, but you had your own beliefs. She was your best friend, so you would honour her in everything you did.

“Nick’s never been wrong about anything, Nat. I sure hope he wasn’t wrong about me either.” You thought to yourself, hoping that she’d heard you from wherever she was and that she was rooting for you to succeed in this new job that had just fallen into your lap.

Bucky had been sitting in the common kitchen when you had walked in. A smile on his lips upon seeing you enter, he kept his head down on the plate of eggs in front of him. He was not one to make small talk during breakfast and usually kept to himself, but that was about to change momentarily.

“Good morning, folks.” You greeted the team before pouring yourself a cup of coffee and pulling up a chair for yourself between Sam and Wanda. “I was hoping to catch up with some of you before you all went off to do your own things.”

The Falcon smiled as he leaned over to pull you into a side hug. “I missed ya, Y/N.”

“I’m sure you did, Wilson.” You chuckled softly as you returned his hug. “It is good to be back. I was getting pretty lonely without you guys.”

“Mornin’ Y/N.” Rhodey greeted you from the stove as he flipped his omelette and looked over at you with a smile. “You want some breakfast?”

“No, thank you, Rhodey. I just ate at the temple.” You told him with a shrug. “But I do have something to ask you… if you wouldn’t mind, could you round up the whole team for a briefing tomorrow morning? As much as I would love to lounge around, I do have work to do.”

“Will do..”

“So, Fury really did leave you in charge, huh?” Sam asked you with his eyebrow raised. “But why you?”

“Believe me, I’ve been asking myself the same thing.” You admitted, laughing softly before taking a sip of your coffee. “As far as I know, him and Agent Hill are away on an undisclosed mission and won’t be around to oversee the Avengers. For some reason, he trusts me to do that for him.”

“To be honest, I’m glad it’s someone we know and love.” Wanda smiled at you. “We wouldn’t take orders from anyone else.”

“My job’s pretty simple though. I oversee your missions, you report to me. I really hope you don’t put me in a position where I would need to reprimand your asses or have to snitch on you to Fury. I know that the last few months have been rough for all of you… it’s been rough for me too. But we all have work to do so… let’s just… figure out a way to get back into the swing of things, yeah? The least thing I want is to have to be a boss from hell.”

“Yes, ma’am…” Sam gave you a nod before turning over to look at Bucky. “Have you two met yet?”

“Yeah, we have.” You replied, taking a sip of your coffee as you prayed to Lord Krishna that the Falcon wouldn’t spill the beans at that moment. From the look on his face though, you knew he wanted to. “Very briefly.”

“Have you geeked about your thesis like you did with Cap?” He asked.

Wanda almost choked on her toast as he mentioned your thesis. “Oh God… not her thesis.” She shook her head, but you knew that she was enjoying this just as much as her fellow Avenger.

After all, it had been a running joke during your time working with the Avengers to give you shit about your choice of study during your time at graduate school. Tony and Nat were the ones who gave you the most shit about it, and would probably be thrilled to know that their legacy when it came to this had certainly lived on with Sam and Wanda. Perhaps, keeping the joke going would give you all a sense of normalcy, as embarrassing as it was for you.

“Sam, please don’t…” You shook your head, avoiding the supersoldier’s gaze as you took another sip of your coffee. “I just got here.”

Bucky looked over at Sam with a rather confused expression on his face. “What are you two talking about?”

“Nothing!” You exclaimed. “Nothing important…”

“Don’t lie to him, Y/N.” Rhodey scolded you, which was followed by a snicker. “He’s going to have to find out at some point.”

“Come on, Rhodes. You’re not taking their side on this.” You groaned before deciding to give in. As Bucky Barnes had told you last night, what’s the worst that could happen, right? “Fine, Sam… knock yourself out.”

A smirk on his lips as he took a sip of his coffee, Sam Wilson turned over to look at Bucky and wiggled his eyebrows. “Before Y/N joined SHIELD as an agent, she was a grad student at NYU. She taught a history class on the Second World War.”

“She did her master’s thesis on the Howling Commandos.” Rhodey added. “I hate to say it as it is, Barnes, but she’s kind of obsessed with you.”

You felt your cheeks heat up in embarrassment and sunk in your seat. The last time you were this embarrassed, Nat had told Captain America that you were obsessed with him and then tried to set you up on a date with him. “It wasn’t an obsession. It was an academic interest. I’m a published academic and I expect you to treat me as such.”

“She was obsessed.” Sam corrected, causing you to smack him in his arm.

“Hey, watch your mouth. I’m supposed to be your boss now.” You pointed out, rolling your eyes before you took another sip of your coffee.

Bucky finally lifted his gaze from his breakfast to meet your eyes, his bright blue ones gleaming with a slight amusement. “You studied history and then started working for SHIELD?”

“History and politics, actually.” You replied with a shrug of your shoulders. “My father was a diplomat, so I always saw myself having a career in international relations. But that just never happened, so I decided to become an agent.”

“What made you want to become an agent though?”

“My grandmother. She told me that an Indian girl like me was not meant for a career in diplomacy, and that my place was within the household and not the UN. She said that I belonged in the kitchen, serving a husband.” You replied, chuckling softly. “I just became an agent out of spite, to prove to myself that I was actually meant for something more than just being a typical Indian wife. But I stuck around until the very end of SHIELD because I wanted to do what was right. That’s why I’m still here.”

That night Bucky found himself tossing and turning in bed once again. Even if he did manage to fall asleep though, the pitter patter of the rain against his bedroom window had woken him up in an instant and caused him to struggle to fall back asleep. He eventually decided to give up on his attempt to get some shut eye that night and climbed out of bed. He just had to admit that his insomnia was going to get the worst of him.

Stepping out of his living quarters, he decided to head towards the facility’s gym in hopes that working up a sweat would somehow tire him enough for him to sleep it off. But the moment he heard the clashing sound of what seemed like pots and pans coming from the common kitchen, he stopped in his tracks and turned around.

The whiff of melted butter wafted up his nostrils and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He was unsure if anyone at the compound would be up at this witching hour, let alone cooking up a storm. For as long as he’s resided at the facility, he hadn’t really seen anyone cook. Usually, Sam or Rhodey would make breakfast for the rest of the team. Other than that, the common kitchen was rarely used.

But Bucky followed the aroma of butter and spices over to the kitchen to see your sleepless self, much to his surprise.

Dressed in a pair of pajama shorts and an NYU hoodie, you trotted bare footed around the kitchen, your curly hair tied up in a bunch and bouncing on top of your head as you danced around to the music that was playing from your phone.

Avvaaru nokinaal evvaaru naaduven

Kannaadi mun nindru paarthu kondaen

Ondraaga seithida oru nooru naadagam

Othigai seidhu edhir paarthirundhen

In your own little zone as you stirred a pot of what seemed like rice and vegetables, you paid no heed to the supersoldier who stood against the doorframe and watched as you cooked. On the counter laid several platters of multiple dishes that he had never heard of and he wondered how long you had been up if you had managed to make that many dishes through the night.

Edhir paaramaley avan

edhir paaramaley avan

“Y/N?”

You gasped as you turned around to see Bucky standing by the entrance to the kitchen. “Bucky.”

oh.. pin irundhu vandhu ennai

pambaramaai sulatri vittu

ulagunda pervaayan endhan

vaayodu vaai padhiththaan

As you stood there stunned by his sudden arrival, your cheeks heated up in embarrassment yet again. You wondered how long you had been standing there. The song playing from your phone continued on, but as your lips moved along to the words as your eyes stayed glued to his bright blue ones.

Ingu boologam endroru porul ulladhai

indha poongodhai marandhaal adi

But you snapped out of it before the next verse of the song, and quickly turned down your music. “Bucky, what are you doing up this late?”

“Hi… sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude.” His lips curled into a smile as he walked into the kitchen, eyeing the platters of food you had laid out on the counter. “But what are you doing up this late?”

“I hate to admit it, but… the homesickness is really kicking my ass.” You admitted, laughing softly before you motioned towards the counter. “I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to splurge out on some South Indian comfort food.”

“Hm…” He nodded, looking down at the food and back at you. “Must be hard being back here when you could be relaxing on a farm in India.”

Turning off the stove and removing the pot of your rice dish from the heat, you set it next to the rest of the food on the counter. “Well, it’s not just relaxing though. Yeah, sure it’s quiet and it’s nice to just… take care of your cows and live off of fresh dairy without a care in the world. But the farm was my home, you know? It’s where I grew up, before all of that chaos with SHIELD and HYDRA... and Thanos. The farm was my happy place, but it’s just not the same anymore. It’s not the same without my grandmother… and my father” You admitted, sighing. “Change is not something that I was able to get used to.”

“That makes two of us.” Bucky agreed with a shrug of his shoulders. “It hasn’t been easy… trying to catch up.”

“I can imagine.” You nodded as you cleaned up the kitchen, not wanting to leave behind a mess when Sam or Rhodey came down to make breakfast in the morning. “Then it’s a good thing that you’ve got a history major as your next door neighbor, huh?”

His smile grew wide at your words, and he shoved his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants. “I thought you majored in The Howling Commandos, doll. Are you sure that makes you an expert on what happened after the war?”

You crossed your arms against your chest. “To think that I spent years studying your life... only for you to undermine my expertise a decade later.” You shook your head as you laughed. “Come on, I’m going to need some help eating all this food.”

“Uh… okay?” Truth be told, he wasn’t going to assume that you were going to eat the entire amount of food you had made since it did seem like too much food for one person. He could not help but wonder if you had figured out his secret when you had offered to share the food with him. “You know, I’ve never had Indian food before. But Sam’s told me that it’s spicy.”

As you grabbed a few of the platters and set them on a cart so that you could bring it up to your quarters, you turned back to look at him. “I’m sure you’ve had some well-seasoned food in Wakanda though. I can’t imagine your taste buds being completely dead with all of the boiled and unseasoned nonsense that they used to call food back in the forties.”

Bucky snickered at your words as he lent you a hand on transferring the big pot of rice onto the cart. “You can’t trash the food of the forties. It was the Great Depression, Y/N.” He defended, to which you rolled your eyes.

“I looked into your family records, Sarge. Apparently you guys owned a car during the Great Depression… which I refused to believe until Steve was able to confirm when I asked him out of utter curiosity. You must have been loaded.” You pointed out, teasingly. “It’s a shame that all that money couldn’t have gotten you any kind of seasoning.”

“Alright, if you’re going to drag me through mud… then perhaps I might cook for you some time.” He offered. “In return of you sharing this food with me and to show you that I’m not a completely unseasoned man.”

You raised your eyebrow at him as you walked over to the fridge, grabbing the rolled up banana leaf that you had left in there. “If you insist, then I’ll have you know that Wakanadan lamb is out of the question. I’m vegetarian.”

“Good to know.” He agreed as he began walking back towards the door, his metal arm pulling the cart of food along with him. “May I know the reason why?”

“I’m Hindu.” You replied, shrugging. “I don’t eat red meat because my beloved Hindu god, Lord Krishna... was said to be a cowherd. But dairy’s fine though. Krishna loved butter and so do I.”

Having been raised Protestant in the 1930s, he could not help but feel slightly curious about your religion. He was no stranger to the never-ending battle between the Protestants and the Catholics across the pond, something that he had learned after befriending Steve and meeting his Irish immigrant mother.

But he never would have realized that there were much more religions in the world when he was a boy. But now in the twenty-first century, all he could do was learn more about the different people in the world that seemed to have shrunk since the Great Depression. He had learned as much as he could during his two years in Wakanda. But he wanted to learn more, to readjust to life in the twenty-first century. So he might as well start with the woman who lived next door.

#3kdiversity #aj writes #love me blue #poornima #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x desi!reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes series #bucky barnes fluff

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gingermcl · 3 years

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Raising personal frequency and why it matters.

I am not a love and light person. As in we must be positive all the time and negative feelings can’t exist. No. As someone who can literally feel a persons energy, I will say that negatively charged energy has a heavier feel to it. You literally can feel the density in the air in a room shift when an extremely negative person walks in. There is some truth in all programming. Even in psychological operations like the new age movement. The new cage movement. Earth is a realm of duality; good and bad exist here. In a realm of duality, the goal is balance. One must innerstand darkness does exist in all of us and that is ok! Too many people want to pretend darkness doesn’t exist and by ignoring evil, it grows. Don’t let the darkness control you. Anyone pushing that we have to make the darkness go completely away or that it shouldn’t exist is misinformed and I would be cautious listening to advice from said person. I would be leery of anyone attempting to tell another how to live. Pushing your will on another is the definition of black magic. With anything I ever discuss, if you don’t agree that’s cool. I’m always open to hearing new ideas and perspectives; please don’t approach me in a nasty manner. I won’t engage someone unable to have an calm conversation. Engaging and regularly interacting with negativity or negative people is a good way to lower your own frequency. We often tend to carry a frequency similar to our friends, this is why so many outgrow friends after having a spiritual awakening. We literally outgrow people on an energetic level.

Raising personal frequency is important. Lower vibrational energies literally cannot affect folks on a higher frequency. I made a conscious effort 7 years ago to change who I was. A girl in a rehab therapy group told me about myself and I did not like what I heard. She said I was one of the most negative people she had ever met and as I began to examine my behaviors and my words, I realized she was right. It took a couple years of conscious effort to change my mindset from negative to positive. I can say today the results have been priceless. I am very appreciative of her giving me a wake up call.

If what we are told is correct and atoms are in fact what compose matter; everything in this universe is sound. Atoms are said to be made of waves and vibrations. At the molecular level atoms don’t actually touch. Atoms get extremely close to one another but they never fully touch. They’re independent energy fields and when densely packed together atoms form matter. Matter is dense....which goes along with my observation of negatively charged energy being heavier. Higher dimensions are said to be heavenly and they also do not have dense physical matter. I’m not entirely certain that physical existence isn’t a prison for the spirit. Our bodies are made of cells, prisoners are put in cells. It is blatantly obvious that those in control of this realm would like humanity on the lowest frequency possible. One intention of mind control programming is to lower the frequency of mankind, keep man in a angry, fearful, depressed, lower vibrational state. It is highly likely there are malevolent beings harvesting humanity’s soul energy. This energy is called loosh. All emotions create loosh; for some reason negative emotions generate more or more desirable energy.

The negative humans and other unseen beings/energies who have been in control of this realm for thousands of years now feed on what is known as loosh. Loosh is the life force energy created by humans when they experience emotions. Low vibrational emotions such as anger, sadness, depression, and even apathy are preferred by these negative energies than the loosh generated by positive emotions. Feeding these malevolent energies is why so much programming is done to divide the people, to make us hate our lives and ourselves, to blame mankind for the evil here, and many other trauma based mind control tactics are in place to keep humanity in a lowered state of existence. There are individuals who feel a deep seeded guilt in the heart just for being born due to this programming! The moon is thought to be emitting a low frequency in order to mind control humanity. Hence why when at full power a.k.a. a full moon humans act crazier and even violent. A full moon is when the Saturn moon matrix broadcasts the strongest signal.

If you are a person who has discovered that evil is running this realm, the best thing you can do is to do the exact opposite of what the controllers want; work on making your life peaceful, exposing the evil, healing your trauma and reprogramming yourself, disengage from the “matrix” every way you can. Be mindful of where you spend money, try not to use money, watch your words, push out negative thoughts, and love yourself. Anyone “awake” should absolutely strive for a higher frequency, honestly everyone should strive for a higher frequency. Existence is much more enjoyable and calmer when you are on a higher frequency. The law of attraction is legitimate. We attract back to us exactly what we put out into this world. Putting out positivity attracts pleasant situations and focusing on negativity creates unpleasantries.

Extremely high and extremely low vibrations do not mix, they tend to separate themselves from one another instead. Society is currently being divided. Those who are fearful are going one way and those of us who want unity are going another. How this ultimately will play out, time will tell.

Sleep paralysis is potentially based solely on frequency. Sleep paralysis occurs when your frequency is too low. I’ve heard folks say sleep paralysis is necessary for astral projection; that is not true. Sleep paralysis is unnatural and caused by a weapon of some kind. A frequency weapon. Those on a too high frequency cannot be manipulated by such technology.

In my opinion being on a higher frequency is better is because you have access to more spiritual information and any metaphysical ability you possess functions exponentially better on a higher frequency. When my frequency goes too low, certain abilities vanish. Frequency fluctuates regularly. It typically stays in a a range normal for you, but extraordinary events like a crisis or confrontation can dramatically drop one’s frequency; it can take days, weeks, or even months to recover from some circumstances. Recognizing how important frequency is and learning how to raise your frequency are important to spiritual development. When on a higher frequency you have a better connection with your intuition, are less susceptible to mind control programming, and psychic attack.

How to raise frequency.

Meditate regularly - at least three times a week for 15 minutes to start

Spend as much time as possible outside in nature

Daily Grounding/Earthing. Walking barefoot on the earth for 15 minutes every day. Weather permitting.

Positive thoughts, actions, words, and deeds. Developing positive mantras to repeat throughout the day is helpful.

Breath work

Engage in as little conflict and negativity as you can.

Avoid alcohol and prescription drugs.

Don’t be too serious or have too many expectations for this will create resentments. Events will never unfold as we expect them to, people are much better served by going with the flow and observing how events unfold as they happen; don’t anticipate events ahead of them occurring.

Work on conquering fears. Especially the fear of death.

Practice compassion, empathy, and kindness towards everyone. Humans are equal; one isn’t better than another. Our life choices and luck is often the only thing that separates us.

Laugh

Exercise. Make sure you do something you find fun, not something you dread. Any kind of physical activity where one is having fun will raise his vibe. Dancing is a personal favorite.

Take a break from technology

Be mindful of how much time you spend on technology. Put the phone down during dinner or when you should be engaging with the people literally in front of you.

Wear and decorate with crystals. Black tourmaline and obsidian are good for negativity.

Decorate with high vibrational plants jasmine, aloe vera, or a snake plant

Be mindful of what information you watch and listen to. Movies, TV, music, social media, etc. It is best to just turn off the TV for good. Television is a weapon. Be very conscious of what information you allow to enter your mind.

Minimize interaction with toxic people. Keep conversations short, topics shallow, and have an exit plan if at an event where the environment may get unpleasant. For example drive your own car, have a friend or the babysitter call and oops I have to go….boundaries to protect your energy aren’t bad.😉

Thank your food for its life and sustenance prior to consuming it (plant or animal.) Doing this changes the food into higher vibrational intake.

Regularly cleanse negative energy from your personal spaces. Energy cleansing methods are decluttering, letting fresh air and light in, clapping loudly in the corners of a room to move stagnant energy, smudging, epsom salt baths.

Aura cleansing, visualization, cord cutting meditations

The above tips will have a positive effect on your frequency. Remember your thoughts create your reality and you get back what you put out into the universe. If your thoughts are consistently negative be prepared to have negative experiences. If you are hopeful, have faith in your ability to manifest & the universe’s ability to make things happen for you, have generally positive and laid-back nature, you will reap great rewards and experience feelings of happiness, contentment, and abundance.

I feel it is obvious by the state of the world today that humanity has been in a very negative state of mind for quite some time. There are millions of us (if not billions) that are here to change this reality, not to adapt to it. We have been called Starseeds, indigo children, and light workers; regardless of label the intent is the same - to create a positive reality on earth, to rid this place of evil, to liberate humanity from enslavement, and teach them a new way to think. We are here to help humanity realize humans are powerful creator beings and these powers have been stripped away by literal genetic manipulation. It is time for the devolution of mankind to end and for humanity to begin ascending back to the higher dimensional consciousness we once were.

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mr-chrisevans · 4 years

Text

Meet Cute - pt. 6

Word Count: 2,222

First Chapter | Last Chapter | Next Chapter

The time between when we started dating and when Chris had to leave to start filming again went by painfully fast. We made the most of every minute we had before he left, but it still didn't feel like enough time. He called almost every day and I hung onto those brief conversations between his shoots as tight as I could. But it still wasn't the same.

"Hey, sorry I couldn't call you earlier they held me on for longer than I thought they would." I could hear how tired he was but something shone through in his voice and I could tell he was happy to talk to me. We were on the same page there.

"No worries. You're a busy man saving the world and all that." I joked.

"I'd rather be in your world than saving a fake one if I'm being honest."

I smiled. He somehow always knew what to say to put me at ease. "This one's pretty boring I've got to say. I do have a little bit of news though."

"Let me guess. Estelle finally let you pick the bar Friday night?"

"Oh if only, that would probably be the single greatest accomplishment of my life." I laughed. "Maybe not quite as exciting, but an online magazine picked up one of my short stories."

"Laurel, oh my god! That's incredible, woah." His excitement made me smile. I hadn't been with someone who had been so supportive of my writing, even though I never let him read any of it. "Who's publishing it?" I hesitated for a second and he sensed it immediately. "Are you ever gonna let me read anything you write?" He laughed, but I could tell he was a little frustrated. Every time he asked to see something I'd written I was adamant about keeping it to myself. He knew writing was something I'd cared about so much my entire life, and he just wanted to see the part of me that I let spill out onto those pages. And yet, I had chosen to keep it all a secret from him.

"I was going to-" I stopped when I heard people talking in the background of Chris' call. He muttered a few words of acknowledgment to whoever had just come into the room then turned his attention back to our phone call.

"Laurel, I'm sorry, they're calling me back now. I thought I'd have a little more time to talk but I'll call you later, okay."

"Yeah of course." He quickly apologized again before hanging up. I sighed. Our conversations were getting progressively shorter and shorter. I knew it wasn't because he didn't want to talk to me, he was just busy being a hero. It just came in the job description. I just still wasn't entirely sure where I fell in all of that.

Estelle could tell immediately that I was in less than a perfect mood after that phone call. "How's it going, kid?" She asked as gently as possible as I walked out of my room and into the kitchen.

I sighed and sat down at the counter. "We got any wine left?"

She laughed and got up to look through our liquor cabinet. "I guess that answers that question. What happened?"

"I mean, nothing really happened we just." I stopped. I didn't know how to spit it out without feeling like a whiny baby.

"Stop clamming up and just spill it." Estelle said, placing a glass of wine in front of me. "You're allowed to have feelings, it's normal. And I'm the last person on earth to judge you for it after seeing me when Andrew and I broke up."

"Oh god. I think that was the worst week of my life."

"You and me both. Now, tell me what happened with Chris." I hesitated again. "I'm a lot cheaper than a therapist."

I rolled my eyes at her but couldn't help to laugh a little. "Okay, okay. I just, I don't know. Ever since he left it just feels like we've slowly been drifting apart. And I know it's cause he's crazy busy but still. I'd like to be able to have an actual conversation with him without being interrupted by someone calling him back to set." Getting the words out there made me feel better, but it was still hard to acknowledge the truth. "Who was I kidding. We've barely been dating a month and I thought we'd be able to go 4 without seeing each other."

"Hey, come on don't talk like that. You liked him and you were optimistic, there's nothing wrong with that." I sat there in silence and sipped my wine. Estelle took a deep breath and I knew I was in for quite the talking to. "Laurel, I know you don't want to admit it, but we can all see how much you like Chris. I haven't seen you as happy with anyone in years as you are when you're with him. Your face lights up every time he calls or texts you and that look you get when you see him? Jesus, hun you've got it bad even if you don't want to admit it to yourself. And don't even get me started on the way he looks at you. It makes me want to melt seeing you guys together because it's just so obvious that you're crazy about each other." She was right. And I know it sounds crazy that I didn't want to admit it but it all just seemed to good to be true. Literally the sweetest guy in the world decided that I was the one he wanted to spend time with. The one he was clearly trying his hardest to make it work with even though we were several hundred miles apart. "Your silence is testimony in itself to how right I am." She said and took a sip of her wine, clearly proud of her accomplishment.

"Okay, let's not be too proud alright?" It felt better to know that from an outside perspective it was clear Chris and I really cared about each other. Estelle's phone buzzed on the counter in front of me and I saw it was a text to a group with her, Jules, and Casey. She saw it pop up too and quickly grabbed her phone. "What are Jules and Casey texting you about that I'm not involved in?"

"Oh it's nothing." She said, her eyes glued to the screen. I could tell she was hiding something and I did not like it.

"Come on, tell me. It can't be that big of a deal." She finally looked up from her phone and she looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"Really Laurel, it's nothing I swear." She started to say something else but I snatched the phone from her hands before she could get it out. "We were gonna tell you, but we just didn't know when to do it."

When I looked at the group message my jaw practically fell to the floor. It was a picture of Chris and I getting into his car right outside my apartment building. I scrolled up and it was more of the same. Paparazzi picture after paparazzi picture of Chris and I together. Intimate moments that I thought had been just between us but were now apparently available to the whole world. I set the phone back on the counter in silence.

"We knew it was gonna upset you, that's why we didn't show anything to you right away." I was stunned. I had no idea how to respond. My closest friends were keeping this a secret from me. I knew they meant well but it still hurt to see all of it right in front of me.

"How did you guys even find all of these?" I said after sitting in silence for a while.

She hesitated before responding. "Jules may have had Chris Evans on google alert for the past month or so." I stared at her completely silent again. "It was just so that we would know right away if there was anything bad coming out so we could tell you and do something about it right away. We didn't think it would be that big of a deal."

I shook my head. "I get it. And I don't think I'm upset about you guys keeping a tab on it it's just-" I tried to keep myself composed as I spoke because I could feel the tears starting to come. "I need a little time to think."

"Okay." Estelle responded, her voice was barely a whisper. "I'll be in my room if you need to talk." She squeezed my shoulder lovingly and walked back to her room. Once I heard her door shut I grabbed my glass of wine and headed out to sit on our tiny balcony. I hid a pack of cigarettes out there, and if there was ever a time to smoke it seemed like now was it. I knew that it shouldn't have been that big of a deal seeing those pictures. I mean they were just pictures. But it felt like so much more. Those moments that were just ours were suddenly free for everyone to see, to make their own opinions of me without even knowing what my fucking name was. I couldn't even fathom the idea of rabid fans hating my guts for taking the man they loved away from them. It was too much for me to take. I had already felt like Chris and I were on shaky ground before, but this made it feel like that ground was falling out beneath me.

Once I had calmed down a bit more I pulled out my phone and sent Chris a text.

Laurel

Hey, can we talk sometime tomorrow?

Chris

Yeah of course. Is everything okay?

Was it okay? I really didn't know at that point. All I did know is that talking to him would either settle all my fears for good or make me realize that maybe this wasn't what I hoped it would be. And I did know that I didn't want him to worry so I had to seem as normal as possible.

Laurel

Yeah, I just wanna hear your voice again.

*****

I told Chris that he could call me after I got home from work the next day and he promised me he would be free to talk the second I got off. I think he could tell something wasn't quite right and he wanted to make sure I knew he was there for me. Estelle knew exactly what was going on so when I barely said a word to her after getting home she didn't try to push it. I was already about to have one difficult conversation, I didn't need to make it two. I tossed my bag on the chair by my closet and sat on the edge of my bed waiting for his call. My heart was pounding. I had no idea where this conversation was going to go and I was dreading it. I didn't have much more time to stress before he called.

I took a deep breath before I picked up the phone. "Hey." I tried to sound as not nervous as possible but I don't think it worked very well.

"What's going on? You seem like you have a lot on your mind."

"Oh, I don't know I just-" I sighed. I couldn't dance around it, I just had to get it out. "Lately I just feel like this is all a lot to handle."

"I understand that, and I'm sorry that it has to be like this. Is there anything I can do to try and make you feel better right now?" I knew every word he said was sincere, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, but I just had to say it.

"You know how much I care about you right?"

I could sense his tension as soon as I said it. "Yeah, of course I do."

"So I want you to know that even though I'm saying this right now, I still care about you so much. If it was just about you being gone I don't think it would be as big of a deal but there are still all these pictures coming out of us and I just don't think I can handle it anymore. I don't think I can keep doing this right now."

There was a long pause and my stomach dropped. I didn't regret saying it because it really was how I felt, but I knew it would hurt him and that was the worst part. I heard him take a deep breath before he started talking again. "Okay." He said quietly and his voice sounded strained. "I wish I could've done something to make this better, but I understand."

"I'm so sorry, Chris."

"It's okay, Laurel. You don't have to apologize for how you feel." We both fell silent again for a while, neither of us really wanted to be the first to go knowing that this might be the last time we talked. "I gotta go, but-" The words I'll talk to you later almost came out but he caught himself just in time. "Bye Laurel."

#chris evans #chris evans fanfiction #meet cute #mc ch 6

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i-see-r-3-d · 4 years

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And its officially the Rainy season here 😀

The first drops of rain always bring a smile on our faces and we heave a sigh of relief – hoping that it will now cool the soaring temperatures

Bombay/ Mumbai is at its beautiful best during the rains! And the perfect way to celebrate this dreamy atmosphere around is to sit near the window – and not just watch the rains, but enjoy the soothing sound of rain, breathing deep – taking in the freshness of the air that only a fresh rainfall provides; watching children splash around in the puddles and making paper boats and rejoicing in the smell of fresh earth! Don’t we just want to sometimes just go out there and dance in the rain?

To make it even more perfect – is to now sip on the hot mint-ginger chai with some fried yummies like pakoras or the king of Mumbai street food – Vada pav!! Don’t we all crave this? Did you know – it is not some silly fancy to crave these foods during rains – but there is an actual reason behind this. Our innate cravings that come from our gut have solid logic to them.

Most mothers know and some rather dread rains as they bring with it infections – both respiratory and digestive, fevers and various other issues. Why just children, don’t we also fall ill?

Now let’s talk logic – when or why do we fall ill? Why is it that some people fall ill more easily and others don’t? The reason is Immunity or the Immune system.

Immunity is the body’s natural defense system against illness and infections. Everyday several bacteria, virus and germs attack our body. Our body shows resistance against these attacks. This resistance level depends on how strong is our immune system. Strong immune system is a key for proper functioning of the body and to fight off most diseases. For staying healthy, our immune system should be really strong

Low immunity has become a major cause of concern today owing to changes in lifestyle and our eating habits! And one of the most overlooked reasons why our immune system collapses is insufficient calorie intake.

Be it at restaurants or at parties or in trains, anywhere for that matter – one of the hot topic for conversation includes counting calories and discussing our new discovered weight loss techniques or fad diets. So people want to avoid ‘the-so called-high-calorie’ food like the plague. And yesterday I overheard an even more fantastic gyaan (I am being sarcastic here!) – “we must never give our taste buds of anything that it wants.” And let me tell you – it did not come from a fit woman – rather from the exact opposite of fit!

Given that Aunty’s logic – means no garama-garam pakoras or vada pavs! And yes a pakka chance of catching flu or cold-cough and general dullness. Coming back to what I always say – our body or gut and our innate cravings are not our dushman (enemy)! Your body is not planning and plotting all the time to ruin your “weight loss” program!

In fact – we should revere our bodies for not reacting the way it should ideally have – for all the torture we put it through in the name of diet or exercise. Many people exercise as a way to punish their bodies for over eating. To them I would like to ask – did you eat the food or your stomach grew an arm and a mouth to eat it all! You were not mindful when you ate and you literally tortured your stomach into digesting all of that and if that was not enough you run like a maniac on treadmill to now burn it all off and punish yourself! Does this even remotely make sense? But so many people do this!

We should eat and exercise from the perspective of being FIT, HEALTHY and HAPPY and not to punish ourselves. And to be honest these punishing tatics never work – because most people who may have lost “weight” doing these things always put it back on!

Shouldn’t our diet and exercise plan aim to keep us fit for the rest of our lives? Or are we meant to yo-yo from losing weight and putting it back on? – and this seems to be like on a loop!

So again – your palate is not here to disrupt your your weight loss plans. It is only trying to protect your immunity – so that you do not fall prey to a whole range of infections. To provide the system with the adequate calorie surge needed to protect from bacterial and viral and other infections does our body urge us to eat fried food. And simply because it cannot speak in the formal way – do we end up craving for these.

To my thinking minds – tell me one thing – during summers does our body not quease at the thought of eating these same fried food! This is because our gut-feelings are intelligent enough! Give your body some credit.

So it is not you being crazy with your cravings and it has nothing to do with ‘control’ or ‘willpower’ as a few people feel.

There are essential fats, like in filtered groundnut oil – being rich in antioxidants (much more than your 1 cup of green tea) that help you fight free radicals and prevent illnesses and infections. These also make your skin glow and strengthen the roots of your hair. (Are we not told to oil our hair – when we face hair fall – same logic!)

And I am talking about the pakoras and vadas that you fry at home – so you know exactly what oil you are using and you will not re-use that oil – which happens outside! And the craving for the ginger-mint chai with these is because ginger assists your intestines to break down fat and rids your stomach of gas. That way, your smart body has taken care of what-looks-like overindulgence too.

So stop cursing your body – your cravings and your calories. Eat mindfully and eat in moderation and exercise right and you will find yourself enjoying your food and yet being Fit-Healthy and Happy!

Happy Eating 😀

#Love#Snacks#Monsoon❤️#rainydays

#SoundCloud

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imuybemovoko · 4 years

Text

So I just read an article that talked about brainwashing techniques employed in POW camps in North Korea. (It’s linked here.)

I’m inclined to take this article with a slight grain of salt, but there’s something very eerily familiar about the ten steps it lists for brainwashing. It reminds me quite a damn bit of the way your more fundamentalist churches will tell you to share the gospel. I’m going to take a quick run through them and show what I mean. For reasons I’ll explain as “about half shitty site design and about half trauma” I’m having a hell of a time finding specific examples of what I’m talking about here because it involves navigating confusingly executed ministry websites crammed with the exact shit that spent a childhood and five more recent years breaking me. For that reason I’ll make a shitty gospel tract in paint.net with a slide or two to illustrate each point. I’ll probably be annoyingly close to the real thing. Trigger warning here. If this is going to bring something up that you’re not ready to deal with, please do not read any further.

With that in mind, what would our shitty gospel tract be without some kind of eye-catching title? I’ll take more of a Jack Chick kind of approach to formatting here; Ray Comfort has also been known to make terrible comics following a vaguely similar pattern and typically with far less diverse plots. (Hate-reading Chick tracts is honestly oddly fun sometimes because of the variety and the absolute over-the-top fearmongering about entirely innocent aspects of life and culture.) I’m shooting for a bit of parody energy, so for a title let’s go with:

God’s Blast Furnace Because that seems like the exact kind of cursed energy we should be going for here. I’ll go for a 2x1 aspect ratio here because that also seems pretty typical.

Chick tracts like... usually include people terrified by either God or the flames of hell. I chose the latter. The idea is as much fear factor as you can shove into one tiny page. If you think I’m exaggerating, prepare to be disappointed. Ray Comfort and a lot of campus ministry resources take a less... “in your face” approach to the hellfire bit, but they’ll make damn sure to mention it and how much it’s going to suck to be burned forever. But this is a parody, so if it’s somehow possible to be more over the top than Chick, that’s the goal here.

1. Assault on identity. In most evangelism guides I remember, one of the first things you’re supposed to mention is that God created the earth and humans and wants us to worship him. Finding specific examples would be a bit of a mindfuck for me because this shit is honestly kinda triggering, but they have a strong tendency towards heavily focusing this in the beginning of their approach. A simple scroll through Chick.com’s tract inventory or, if you can find it, this kind of resource on other sites will show that this assault on identity is extremely important in their approach. Since our parody tract is going to include all of these steps (this is a common but far from universal approach; Ray Comfort tends to include them all but Chick will hyperfocus one or two in every piece of literature), let’s make the first page. The idea here is that they’re saying “you are not who you think you are”. If someone tries to tell you that you’re created by a god rather than a product of evolution, this is their true message. They’ll even mask-off this one, saying “these people think they’re accidental descendants of apes, they’re denying that they were created by God”. So for our parody, let’s do exactly that. I’ll introduce two characters, one Christian and one dreaded “other”, and I won’t bother giving them names; in the real industry, approaches vary. Chick typically gives names, Comfort typically doesn’t. They also tend to grossly caricature unbelievers, so I’ll do that too. I’m going for the “tiny graphic novel” approach here, so I’ll make a panel.

Notice how 1. the unbelievers are presented as strawmen, 2. the Christian is presented as totally normal and even wholesome, 3. he presents this like it’s a self-evident truth, and 4. the response by he unbelievers is angry denial. This is very common and based on prevailing perspectives about unbelievers. You’ll notice an approach quite like this in movies like God’s Not Dead as well, where they make a caricature of Christians that’s way tamer than they present in real life (the kid in God’s Not Dead is super vanilla and a lot of Christians are at best passive-aggressive about it) and a caricature of unbelievers, particularly atheists (they have the most problem with atheists for some reason) that’s straight up aggressive and hostile. In Chick’s tracts, sometimes they wear shirts not that different from the shittily-drawn ones I put on these two unbelievers. I also tried to give the one a mohawk, though the perspective probably isn’t that good.

Some literature you’ll find in the wild takes a much more detailed approach to this, attacking established scientific facts such as evolution, but others simply present the creation narrative or something akin to it as self-evident and move on. I’ll take the second approach here to save space. Thus, having our unbelievers respond with “how dare you” fits even better because there’s a strong tendency for Christians to think they’re challenging the entire worldview of unbelievers (again, particularly atheists) by even presenting this “fact”. This sets us up perfectly for point 2.

2. Guilt. In the evangelical view, and in these evangelism resources online, a combination of guilt and fear is very important. Point 2 of the ten in the article is summed up as “you are bad” in the paragraph detailing it; in these forms of Christianity, and very strongly in evangelism techniques, this should be summed up more like “not only are you bad, but the consequences for that are going to be unending and extreme when you die”. This is the strength of the hell narrative in a sentence. On someone who believes it or can be led to believe it, the impact is profoundly damaging. In every “properly-done” evangelism, it is included. Jack Chick goes fucking mental with this narrative and it features in most of his work with vivid pictures of fearful people being yeeted into the flames after pleading for their lives. Ray Comfort also hammers this point fairly hard, framing it as a natural consequence of a life not lived for Jesus and using a metaphor likening death to a long fall and his message to a parachute. In our tract let’s take a mixed approach. Our Christian will yoink Comfort’s parachute metaphor and, much later, we’ll show one of our unbelievers being Chicked. More on that later.

I’ve started to establish a dichotomy of a type that Chick often uses here where he shows one person getting saved and one getting yeeted into hellfire. “lol sex is epic” is going to dig his heels in like the scary atheist and “there is no god” is going to have his world absolutely rocked by this news. Also, a common caricature is that unbelievers haven’t heard the hellfire bit before. "there is no god” gets this treatment while “lol sex is epic” digs in and gets mad. (It seems to me that the reader is likely meant to find this fitting because he’s the one with the mohawk.) Chick might draw shadowy demons around “lol sex is epic” here, but he doesn’t in every case. Also, note that I’ve brought our title, “God’s blast furnace”, into it here. “there is no god” is walking right into step 3 here.

3. Self-betrayal. The trick here is to get you to agree that you’re bad. You don’t necessarily have to agree to the hellfire thing; Comfort doesn’t hit that very hard during this phase of a conversation. His approach, which I’ll more or less emulate here, is to get the person to admit that they’ve lied about anything at all, stolen anything at all, or had any lustful thought at all (and, with the latter, referencing Matthew 5:28). Most humans have done at least two of these things at least once (some don’t steal and some are asexual, and there’s most likely overlap, but I feel confident in saying literally everyone lies at least about minor things from time to time), so once he has the confession, Comfort will catastrophise it with a line like “ok so that makes you a lying thieving adulterer in heart” and then pressure the person into answering whether a “just God” will call them innocent or guilty based on this standard. Many people say “guilty” here, as desired. (He paints the ones who say “innocent” or question the standard as dishonest when he makes videos of this.) With guilt thus established, he then asks whether this means a person goes to heaven or to hell. Again, in a typical conversation, the other person answers that this means hell. Ray has triumphed in this moment, because whether he says it or not, the connection is made in the person’s mind that as one guilty of these “sins”, they are bad and deserving of hellfire. So, for our tract, let’s have “there is no god” ask some questions and learn just how “dire” this is from our Christian, a la Ray Comfort.

“there is no god” betrays himself; “lol sex is epic” stays mad.

In evangelism, at least in Ray Comfort’s approach, step 3 most often comes in tandem with a lite version of the compulsion to confession, step 6. I’ve condensed this process a bit to fit it into a single panel. “there is no god” now proceeds into step 4.

4. Breaking point. “there is no god” is now in the trap. This has him questioning everything about himself, his life, and the world. I’ll change his facial expression for the next few panels to illustrate the change. In real life, it takes a lot of repetition, scare tactics and/or other abuse, application during childhood or a moment of great weakness, or a combination of more than one of these to get this done. Since these tracts are a caricature of reality, this is always shown as a fast process. The fast process is also seen as normative because of the belief that God is self-evident, but I am aware of almost no Christians who had this kind of shift because of a single conversation. To my knowledge, this is a months- to years-long process even in most cases of childhood indoctrination. In any case, the victim reaches a point where their view of the world has begun to shatter around them. Or, as the article puts it, asking “who am I, where am I, what am I supposed to do?” We’ll have “there is no god” ask this latter question and add an interjection from “lol sex is epic” to add weight to this.

“lol sex is epic” gets mad again and says something that many Evangelicals caricature as a common saying of unbelievers, particularly atheists, and progressive Christians (who they have mad beef with for a variety of reasons. Like, I genuinely think they hate progressive Christians more than atheists sometimes). This shows that, in the evangelist’s eyes, “lol sex is epic” has missed the point. Meanwhile, “there is no god” has arrived right at that breaking point, questioning his moral character and asking desperately if there’s a solution to this problem. Our Christian is right there to provide an answer.

5. Leniency. Our Christian is going to give “there is no god” the out he’s looking for, declaring that God has given him a solution in the form of Jesus Christ. To show the remaining steps I’ll separate a few things out more than tracts often do. Let’s have a bit more rage from “lol sex is epic” and, for now, have him leave the scene because his use as a character is over until the “and then they both died” bit.

“lol sex is epic” is now gone. Meanwhile, our evangelist has a captive audience for the other steps of this process.

At this point I’m going to list a couple of steps for each panel because I’m not completely sure how to parse it out the way I’ve been doing thus far. In my perception of this, I tend to view these more easily as far fewer steps. I’ll probably draw this as two or three panels, followed by one where “there is no god” is happy about the decision he’s made. (And wearing a new shirt.)

6. Compulsion to Confession. Part of the process of salvation is a confession. The fledgling Christian must admit to their status as a sinner and their need of a savior, often in prayer but sometimes also in person to an evangelist or spiritual mentor. This is framed as a relief, a part of casting one’s burdens onto Christ or, as the article puts it, “ the target is faced with the contrast between the guilt and pain of identity assault and the sudden relief of leniency. The target may feel a desire to reciprocate the kindness offered to him, and at this point, the agent may present the possibility of confession as a means to relieving guilt and pain.” The person has been carrying a “lifetime of sin” and a “guilty conscience” and is now letting it all go for the first time. The Catholic church goes absolutely nuts with this, institutionalizing regular confessions. “there is no god” will be presented with a call to confess to Christ.

7-8. Channeling of guilt; releasing of guilt. The groundwork for this was already laid in the beginning; I forgot to include that part in this tract, but many evangelists will touch on their beliefs about the beginning of the world and the fall of Adam. Thus, they establish the concept of an in-born nature towards sin in all humans. They can give this concept to their target in the form of framing sin as an inherited curse that they can’t avoid having, but isn’t their fault (their actions are but the curse isn’t) and thus can be considered the source of all their “evil” motivations and actions. In this process, a lifestyle of sin is what they channel their guilt into, saying, “I feel bad because I’ve been living this way and not believing in Jesus!” Then, they can use this curse of sin to say, “it’s not me, it’s my bad nature.” Thus, this sense of guilt is channeled and released. This is repentance described in a paragraph.

9. Progress and harmony. At this point, the target is encouraged to choose Jesus and the abuse and negativity will stop. They must now make an active and conscious choice towards belief. The fears of hell will be abated. (At least for now).

10. Final confession and rebirth. Evangelicals go full mask off with this, touting a “born again experience” as proof of someone who is truly Christian. Often, the previous several steps are confessed in what’s called the “sinner’s prayer”. I’ll paste it below for a full explanation before I draw the panels for this. At the end, the person invites Jesus into their lives and grants him lordship over their life, then thanks God for this occurrence. This is the end of this process, though the church behaves in ways that reinforce every step of this. You know, for maintenance. The sinner’s prayer, in one of its several, similar forms: “Dear Lord, I’m a sinner. Please forgive me. Come into my life and cleans me of my unbelief. I believe in you and in salvation through the blood of Jesus. I turn from sin and trust in Jesus alone as my Savior. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.”

Here we see the Christian offering the solution and the broad outline of the sinner’s prayer. Also, “there is no god” is greatly relieved. I’ll make one panel of him doing the sinner’s prayer, then we’ll touch on the “after they both die” thing. Our Christian character is also disposable and this, in this case, is his final appearance.

Here he is getting saved. (His shirt changes alongside this.) And, of course, he ends this with a desire to go tell literally everyone about this. That’s normative in evangelical circles too.

After this, we’re back to more fearmongering, this time involving a dichotomy meant to imply hope, as I yoink a page right out of Chick’s playbook for a couple more panels.

Here we see a (shittily-executed) great white throne with our Christianized “there is no god” and our angry unbeliever standing before it. The circumstances of their deaths are outlined (fuck you Jack Chick that’s a creepy vibe) and their condition now is clearly explained. Notice how “lol sex is epic” is still angry. But not for long...

The mask drops:

They never portray Jesus putting it exactly like this but this is the kind of energy, at least it’s how it comes across to me when I read these after deconverting. Tracts tend to give a more detailed reaction to the “but I was good” and “give me a chance” things if their damned victims say these things. They assert that deeds aren’t enough and no one is good. Convenient for brainwashing, there’s also an artificial sense of urgency in that this life is listed as your only chance to accept this message and avoid having your flesh boil away before your eyes over and over again for all of time.

Chick is a big fan of showing the damned being dragged or frogmarched to the pit by angels.

And here, mohawk man gets the big yeet.

After this, particularly if they take the Chick approach and include the hell yeet scene and/or the thing at the throne of judgement, they’ll tend to have some questions like this:

Again, parody. They’re not this goddamn on the nose with it.

I could translate this entire thing in one image:

So this has been a painful little look at what goes into a gospel tract/the brainwashing inherent to the gospel message as understood by fundies/evangelicals.

I hate that I used to think this way and unironically tell people this kind of shit. It’s manipulative and stupid, and also deeply cringey. If you’ve read this far, I’m sorry/congratulations.

Oh, and one final thought: People who don’t generally do this with tracts use verbal, often shorter, versions of the exact same process. CRU reduces it to five points in their resources (and this is a common approach): something like 1. God made the world, 2. we screwed things up and deserve the big yeet, 3. but Jesus makes a way to fix this shit, 4. He died on a cross and rose from the dead so we could be saved, 5. so believe in him and live forever in a realm that doesn’t have to be filled with fire all the fucking time. They’ll tell you to do something involving counting on your hand while explaining this shit. It’s goddamned cursed, and you’ll notice it goes through the exact process I mentioned above. It literally intends to break you down and mold a new person out of the shards and ashes this produces.

Evangelists are assholes.

#ex christian #religious trauma #fuck jack chick #fuck ray comfort

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mynameisdreartblog · 4 years

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Vacation Resorts 1

Aries: Adare Manor. “Our revenge will be the laughter of our children.” I don’t know who said that, but me makes me wanna act ballistically. «And why do you suspect that phrases like these trigger a response within you?» <Réamoinn pauses for a moment, stretches their arms into the air while using this opportunity to crack their knuckles further.> I honestly don’t know. I know saying ’I don’t know’ is a copout, but… «There’s no such thing as a copout here; this is a therapy session.» Right, right, but I feel like this is highly transactive, and I’m not offering anything of value: There’s “nothin’ in me noggin” as my mum used to say. «Well, just understand that not having the right thoughts available at the pristine moment is a perfectly normal thing in sessions, so don’t beat yourself up over it… However, I will inform you that I only have so much time for a single session of an entire day, so the more time you spend, the more you should ensure that your words are, uh, ‘quality over quantity’ as we say.» [,] <Réamoinn slouches to the side of the therapeutic sofa and begins to do that weird quirk where they jitter randomly: Likely an operative test of the body’s stimulate functions.> «Are you shivering? You look like you’re shivering; are you cold?» Aye, no. A thermostat’s not gonna heal the cold of my heart, doc. «Uh-huh, and what do you mean by the “cold of my heart”?» I thought the simile was obvious, but it basically means that I feel as if my ability to change things by myself has frozen over, and now I need something external to thaw it out of its icy state. «That sounds quite dramatic, so it must be a real detriment for you, I’m guessing.» Oh, you don’t know the extent of it, doc. You feel like a human time-capsule: Absolutely divorced from any power you have in the present to do something about the pit you’re being sucked into, and you have to accept it because there’s literally nothing you can do but wait for time to change your situation. «You know, I think what you’re describing is really applicable to a lot of other people.» I don’t doubt it, aye.

Gemini: Awanjiwo. <Thinking to themselves> I spilt goat’s milk all over my transistor, but it’s not like I needed that anyways: There’s a map of this entire scheme in my head, and it’ll be relevant so long as I keep using it. <A sudden change of psyche emerges> I could’ve given this back to that poor boy I saw earlier who had nothing for entertainment other than rusty cans, dirty footballs, and his flesh and blood companions. That kid could’ve grown to appreciate the internal workings of the radio, and who knows what education he could pursue after that… That kid could’ve became a stellar engineer! He could’ve founded the cure for cancer, mild discomfort, or working in general! No, what I decided to do with my time on Earth was keep something to myself that I never really needed: How will that reflect in eons when I’m gone? I won’t be relevant after that, but it still matters in the moment, right? But why does the ’moment’ matter; what even is the moment? Does anybody else experience the ‘moment’ differently? <A bird comes by to lick up the milk, now spilling onto the cabin floor: Rambling ensues in Truce’s mind as they contemplate why they’re here and what the radio’s dysfunction means for the ripples of the future.> [,] <A distant yelling is heard across the beach, and like that, all of Truce’s tangents cease and they perk their ears towards the sound.> Oi, what the bloody hell was that? <The signals become louder and resemble static more and more, beginning to overstimulate Truce.> Aargh, cut that crap out! Who the goddamn hell is there and why are they loud! <Truce’s hand-radio starts crackling, making them pick it up and inspect it. Suddenly, a rather clear transition comes through.> «Truce! Yes, you: The Truce who just came here from the western tip of Japen Island. Come in… Respond to me! I can see you right through my binoculars.» Then what’s the purpose of using the damn radio? Just yell at me if you’re that close for Christ’s sake. Lord knows you’re not the first stalker I’ve dealt with in my life. Fuck off, will you? […] «I mean regardless, we’re at a plane-crash site not far from where you currently are, so we’re at least worth interacting with, right?.» <Truce sets up a makeshift fire.> Yeah, get back to me before the plastic I melted collapses my lungs. <Truce throws his radio two feet out from him.>

Scorpio: Hanhwa Resort Seorak Sorano. Now, I interact with a lot of weird counselors every day, but the one I remember the best was from last year, and their name was Sonnim: They were short (as far as I’d know compared to my view), they’d always show up at the weirdest times, and they were always bossy but she said she’s like that because “you need to balance prohibited and bad behavior.” She made a big deal out of the most silly things, and I always wanted to say to her that I wasn’t really hurting anyone by doing it, so it’s not really bad. It’s worse because she also punishes me when I do truly hurtful things: She’s consistent! <Juyeon kicks her legs into the air from her spot on the bench, flicking one of her shoes off and narrowly hitting another kid.> It gets worse when I try to talk to her about it: She doesn’t seem to like honesty. <A cohort of red squirrels gather around Juyeon’s position at the recess bench.> Did I mention she’s short? I know my mom told me not to mock people for their height, but boy, she is short. I mean, I’m short even compared to other girls, but I take one glance at her and she makes me feel more confident about myself. <Juyeon kicks her legs into the air a second time, this time her other shoe remains on while the contrast between that and her shoeless foot is still present.> I’m bored… I don’t know, I think I liked it better before when there was less politics in all of it: It was about the raw fun of it all. <One of the squirrels from earlier returns to Juyeon after she kicked up an acorn beneath her feet with acorn in its cheeks: It stares down her contemplative reflection for a solid amount of time before moving onto another site in the playground.> Those weren’t even the worst parts of the whole thing… <Daylight fades and a moody night envelopes the sky: Colors start to glisten intensely as the emotions become stronger.> I don’t think she was even justified despite what she always told me. She was pretty mean all things considered. I remember her saying to me once “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”, and I respond with “I don’t kiss my mom on the lips if that’s what you mean; that’s gross.” <Electricity surges through the landscape which now looks like a mental breakdown visually translated. That one red squirrel from earlier races against the corruption with great finesse: This scene seems to be one of trauma, but that isn’t the case. All that’s there is just profound confusion.>

Capricorn: White Point Beach Resort. I hate just hearing the word “neat” in response to something positively eventful happening in my life, like showcasing the class a odd and interesting fact: “Odd and interesting” being the phrase I ingrained into myself to make me feel better. Just saying the word “neat” provokes an emotional response so barren and dreadful that one might as well not have said anything. There’s no desire to dig deeper into the cave of knowledge presented in front of people, and it’s especially more insulting when you discover that cave for them. I present my work to other people because I want to hear their perspectives too, but not everybody’s inclined to give their own unique perspective: If only they understood how truly irreplaceable and ephemeral it is, then they’d take stronger advantage of it… Back to how much I hate the word “neat”, if I just wanted to hear a word that invokes such a boring and unemotional character, like myself, then I would just recite what I think my character is in a mirror, like myself. What’d be more imaginative is the filler of words you’d usually associate with cussing, also conveniently monosyllabic, like “shit”, “cunt”, “fuck”, or “merde” if you’re feeling poignant. These words imply an insulting quality, but that’s arguably more unique than the thousands of “neats” I hear that become unique in their own collective nature. [,] I have no other emotions besides founded frustration and unfounded frustration, and that’s one painful polarity to define your life by, right? Good thing I don’t do that: Why would I? [,] If you’re gonna ask whether or not I know I sound like an asshole, I do. I think I do, but the subjective values of what makes someone an asshole are flipping my judgment to and fro. [,] I… I’m growing exhausted by all of this: It must be because of my exhaustive personality or the fact that this music is far too energetic for the situation at hand… Perhaps it’s because I camped out in freezing weather last night? No, my body is too resistant to the cold for something like that. [,] Am I in the wrong here? Nah, my students need to understand the value of liberal education through the brutality of its strict twin.

#Zodipunc #Zodiaccupuncture #Aries #Gemini #Scorpio #Capricorn

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xsandramx · 5 years

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Stay p.22

Why, Hello! How are you guys? So, another chapter, Hope you like it! As always tell me what you think! And many thanks for reading this crap!!

Disclaimer: don’t own marvel… sadly

Warnings: Language

(this means it’s flashback or memory or something. Thank you!)

Masterlist

Chapter 21

“Now you see me brother.” Loki says, letting go of the illusion. His cell was a mess, and he wasn’t in such a good state either. My eyes started to water. It’s been so long since I’ve seen Loki. Well, since I’ve seen a sane Loki. But again, he doesn’t look very sane to me. “Did she suffer?”

“I did not come here to share our grief. Instead I offer you the chance of a far richer sacrament.” Thor said, his voice cold.

“Go on.”

“I know you seek vengeance as much as I do. You help me escape Asgard and I will grant it to you, vengeance. And afterward, this cell.” Loki chuckled.

“You must be truly desperate to come to me for help. What makes you think you can trust me?”

“I don’t.” Thor replied shortly. “Mother did. You should know that when we fought each other in the past, I did so with a glimmer of hope that my brother was still in there somewhere. That hope no longer exists to protect you. You betray me, and I will kill you.” Loki slowly smiled.

“When do we start?” he finished, leaning his head forward. Thor smiled and turned away, looking at me. I stayed behind, as he requested. He wanted to talk to him first.

“You were right. I didn’t need your help to convince him.” Loki frowned, moving forward, trying to see who he was talking about. Thor didn’t move. Obviously, he wanted me to come to him. I hesitated. I don’t know if he wants to see me. And to be honest I’m not sure I want to see him either. We stayed in silence for some time before I started to walk towards them.

“I told you.” I said quietly, crossing my arms in front of me. When Loki recognised my voice and saw me approach them got up quickly.

“Elisabeth!”

“Well, I’ll see if there aren’t any guards coming our way, I’ll be back shortly.” Thor said, leaving us alone.

As soon as Thor was gone Loki spoke up.

“You’re not coming with us.” He said seriously.

“What the hell? This is the first time we see each other since New York and that’s the first thing you have to say to me?”

“Don’t try and change the subject Elisabeth, you won’t succeed.” He continued, starting to change his clothes.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m changing my clothes! Preparing to go!” he stated as if it was obvious.

“Are you trying to make me embarrassed so you can have the higher ground?” I yelled at him.

“If that’s what you wish to think.” He said calmly. “Just turn around if it bothers you!”

“You could’ve used magic.” I complained.

“Are you done?” he asked sarcastically.

“Shut up.” I mumbled. We stayed silent, only the sounds of him dressing were present. “Are you done?” I asked this time.

“I am.” I turned around, facing the familiar looking Loki that I once knew so well.

“Good, I’ll call Thor.” I said turning around again.

“No wait.” He called. “I am sorry Elisabeth. I never meant to hurt you. You must know that.” I stayed still, my back still facing him. “We have our differences. You must think that I’m the villain, but you do know that I’m not evil.” He continued. “You know that I’m not entirely at fault here.”

“And that’s your problem. You use the fact that you’re not the only one to blame to take the burden of everything you’ve done out of your conscience.” I inform him, turning to face him. “Loki, for once in your life can’t you make an effort to see the bigger picture?”

“And what might that be?”

“Are you serious? You could’ve destroyed one planet! Two actually if you count Jotunheim!” I sigh as I finish saying that last part. “Okay, you win! Whatever.” I started to walk away. This time he didn’t say anything. “Thor!”

“I’m not hungry.” Jane said and Sif and I attacked. Literally.

“Good. Let’s go.” Sif said.

“You have such good lines! Oh, hi Jane!”

We then run to where we were meeting Thor and Loki. I don’t need to tell you what happened next. But that was one hell of a slap! I wish I did that!

At the end, I stayed behind like they wanted. I dreaded the moment they would return. I also knew that it would be better if I didn’t interfere. I mean, sure, Loki dies, but as always, not really. So, I decided to go to my quarters and stay there until Loki came to get me. I know that Thor won’t come because he’ll be just in a rush to get to Jane, even if he comes to talk with Odin, who is in fact Loki, the actor of the century.

After what I suppose were a few hours, I fell asleep. I woke up with a feeling that someone was watching me… Loki.

“Are you a creep now? Watching me sleep?” I said, with a sleep voice. I made a disgusted face while getting up because of my morning breath, well I don’t know if it’s morning, but my breath is bad.

“What does me watching you sleep have to do with being, as you say, a creep?” he asks, innocently.

“Wow, you almost seemed like the old Loki that I knew.” I said sarcastically, while walking to the bathroom. But, of course, as he was in the way, he stopped me.

“I still am that Loki.” The way he looked at me while saying this almost made me believe him. But the thought of his powers and that he could be using them on me, made me snap out of it.

“No, you’re not.” I whispered. I gently took my arm from his grip and walked to the bathroom.

While I was in there, I thought about my situation. I mean, any other person would’ve probably gone crazy with all this. But of course, not me, no, not Sofia. I really want to believe Loki and deep inside I know that he isn’t bad, but damn, forgiving a character in a movie from a outside perspective is much easier than when you’re inside said movie. After all this thinking, I decided that I would stay for a few days and see how this goes.

It pains me to say that Loki is actually trying to gain my trust again. And sometimes it’s like he’s a little puppy following me around. He goes with me to the library, he makes me tea and brings it to my room, he is always asking how I am and if I want to join him for a walk. So, as you guys must be thinking, there’s no need for me to say that I am also trying to get things to be as they were before. We’re friends. Even though I have not forgiven him, nor do I think that I will anytime soon.

“What are you reading?” Loki asks as he comes into my room, letting down the illusion of his father. Oh yes! I didn’t get to mention that since he’s supposed to be dead, he has to keep up the image of Odin. Even though, we both know that he’s father is no longer with us. He’s in that care home, Shady Acres I think it is called. I would be worried for Odin, and ordered Loki to bring him back, since I know that Loki would do it if I asked, he’s been as if afraid of me, but I know he’s okay. Maybe he’s even enjoying the stay.

“Pride and Prejudice.” I answer quietly. Never taking my eyes off the book.

“Fitting for the situation.” He murmurs but I ignore.

After a while of me continuing to read and him braiding my hair, which is very long now, I decided to finally ask him. And by the way, yes people, Loki braids. Quite well really. I also was surprised by this!

“Loki, I need to ask you something.” I say, closing my book and laying it on my lap.

“Of course, Elisabeth, anything.”

“I want to go back to earth.” I say calmly. I am actually a bit scared of his reaction, seeing as the last time we saw each other he kind of blamed me for the attack he did on earth.

We stayed silent for some time.

“Have I done something wrong?”

“What? No! Of course not!” I exclaimed, turning around to face him.

“Then why do you want to go back?” he asked, looking almost hurt.

“I have been here for quite a long time already, and I miss the others.” I try to explain. He looks conflicted for a while.

“As you wish.”

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itspileofgoodthings · 6 years

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I was talking to @thelonelybrilliance about some general emotional struggles I’ve been feeling lately about not being enough or not feeling loved (when I know that I am!) and then feeling guilty for feeling that way at all (because I know that I am) and her words/advice to me were so beautiful and specific and helpful that I’m posting them here because I suspect that everyone struggles with this and I hope this might help someone else!!

Ok this is going to sound like a weird way to combat it (or anything) but I have this tendency to occasionally gain perspective, which is to say "life is short and horrible and we just have to get to heaven, like wow, eighty years is going to go by in a flash, I'll be DEAD, and then I'll be living in perfect happiness, that's the goal"...and somehow doing this helps me to just--recognize that life IS really nasty and hard but we keep living it! << this is not advice SPECIFIC to your issue but I do find it a good opener to recentering myself, so I thought I'd throw it out there.

Well, first off, wanting to be loved is SO natural and so insatiable because of how we're made! Like God made us creatures to love and be loved and on earth we will never attain enough of that so we will always be plagued by longing. The longing is not unnatural; sometimes it may be twisted, or we may try to fill it with unnatural things, but what we WANT is God.

I don't know if you are familiar with Anthony of Padua's "Be Satisfied with Me" prayer/litany/poem, but it is very good and very profound. I generally read it in a romantic context, but it is ever-relevant.

here is a link: https://ednarabago.wordpress.com/resources/be-satisfied-with-me/

I think the lack of peace comes from struggling with the Ugliness of sin--not always our sin, but the existence of it in the world and in our frame of reference. Like temptations and fears aren’t sins but they can become sinful, and they are ugly and frightening and unsettling.

It sounds to me like what you are dealing with is a fearful ache.

Sometimes that human love can FEEL finite. Even if there's a hundred you start wondering why it's only a hundred. Why was someone content to stay outside? Why did someone love you and then leave? And these are such dreadful and inexplicable things--and from an objective standpoint, from the standpoint of how your SOUL attracts or doesn't attract love, let me assure you how often it isn't about you. I mean that they don't hate YOU. They don't even know YOU. Something else that was an incomplete understanding of you or a different being altogether affected them. They may have said it was about you! But that doesn't mean it is.

But of course that doesn't explain away the fact that you are hurting, or are lost in isolation and loneliness. These are feelings--though they're bad ones--that you don't have to earn/deserve. Grief comes to everyone, and fear comes to everyone, and sometimes we want to be great but we just feel very small and petulant and NEEDY.

And in a way, we ARE all those things. To God, we are literally all things, all the time. The most glorious potential and the most disappointing weakness. How gracious, in those moments, to be actually known by Him! Because the fear comes from worrying that this part of us will overtake us, or be Found Out, and the thing is...He already knows, and he loved the concept of you so much and so entirely that he created you anyway, and so many other people loved the concept and reality of you that we actively choose to love and include you, and all of that is true and good.

And none of that means that you are not going to be overcome by the feeling sometimes. That could be hormonal, or stress-induced, or triggered by someone being mean for whatever reason, and therefore, it is definitely human.

But when you feel that wave of sadness I hope you can always know that God knows the before, during, and after of every painful moment. <3

#thelonelybrilliance #EMMA #this made me cry #i’ve reread it about five times now #quotes #words to remember #thank you for this emma!!!!#THANK YOU

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snarkyperson · 5 years

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it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake it off

This morning I posted a picture of myself on Instagram, which I have not done recently because let’s be honest, no one wants to see me slumming it in pajamas every day with mussed hair and tired eyes. Today, though, I had actual makeup on. Yes! Eyeshadow and eyeliner and mascara and everything! I had on a necklace and earrings and a skirt and a nice top. I looked like a real life functioning human being.

“Preparing for my reentry into society,” I said, tongue-in-cheek, but I wasn’t lying.

I have been out of my house for something other than doctor’s appointments four times in the last month and a half. One was Easter. One was for my mom’s birthday. One was lunch with my mom. And the other was a 20 minute drive with my best friend and his other half to pick up groceries and Starbucks. It’s sad, right? It’s definitely not helping me, but most days I can’t get myself into a state resembling dressed and ready to mingle (see above) so I’m doing what I can, I suppose.

Today, though, was a big day. I promised to do this day ages ago, probably about a month before my breakdown, and my mom would have murdered me if I had backed out. I was going to, actually. Around 11:00 am yesterday I started thinking, “Oh god, I can’t do this. Why did I think I could do this? A luncheon with tons of strangers? Listening to an author I didn’t even like talk on and on about his nonsense? What am I thinking?”

And then I thought, get your head out of your ass, go to your parents’ house so you don’t back out, and go. Go to the thing. The book talk luncheon thing. The thing with tons (TONS!!!!) of strangers and an author I didn’t like. So I did. I called my mom and asked if I could spend the night. When I got there, I laughingly told her I was thinking of backing out, which is why I came.

“I had a feeling,” she said. God, she knows me so well it’s scary.

So anyway, we had margaritas and watched Chopped. I played Skyrim with my dad. I went to bed at 7:00 because I had been social since 1:00 and even though it was just my parents, it was more than I had done, again, in a month and a half aside from four times so I mean, I have to give myself a little bit of a break. I couldn’t sleep, but this is not new or earth-shattering. I was up at 7:00 and since the luncheon wasn’t until 12:00, that meant I had plenty of time to panic and try to talk myself out of going.

The thing is, I did go. I put on my makeup and my jewelry and my nice outfit. I helped my mom pick out shoes to go with her cute outfit. We got there at 11:55 and there were So. Many. People. The planner had been terrified that no one would show, but I’m not exaggerating when I say there were at least 30 people there, if not more. I knew exactly two people: my mom and the planner. I froze in the driveway and breathed, “I can’t do this.”

“Sure you can,” my mom said. “Look, we’re already at the door and you didn’t even notice.” She smiled. She was right. I made it to the door, made it inside, made it to a chair. We sat in a circle with seven other people that I didn’t know. They were all perfectly pleasant people and we made small talk (even ME) and it wasn’t nearly as horrible as I expected. We had a buffet lunch and I even ate a little bit, though a little bit because I am always nervous as a fat person eating in front of people. I did keep avoiding the author’s eyes because I was so afraid he would come over and introduce himself and I would have to lie and say I loved his books when in actuality I tried to read one of them, got 16 pages in, hated every word of it, and sent it back to the library. Do you know he mentioned erections three times in those 16 pages? I mean, honestly.

After lunch was a house tour. A little about the house: it was owned by my parents’ friends when I was a kid, and they had rollicking parties in which the kids were relegated downstairs all the time. It burned down and had been rebuilt by the current owners but I was looking forward to seeing what it looked like now. Nothing like I remembered, but I suppose that was to be expected. Beautiful, though. A view of the James River you would absolutely kill for, really.

Then came the time I really dreaded: the author talk. But he was actually really funny and engaging and not at all like his books so I felt a little bad when I bought one of his books as a joke to give to my roommate (long story). But hey, he got my $10 so it’s not like my joke hurt him any. I won a prize, too, from the raffle, which was kind of nice.

But the biggest thing, the thing I’ve been slowly and wordily coming to, was when one of the past librarians my mom used to work with, came up to us and said to me, “You know, you remind me so much of your mom. There’s this glow about you, like everything is going to be all right. It’s so positive, I love it.”

I was stunned. STUNNED. Not only was this woman addressing me in the middle of the biggest mental breakdown I’ve ever had and telling me positive things about my aura, but—how do I say this? Throughout my whole life, even when it drove me absolutely nuts (and it has, many, many times), the thing I have always loved about my mom is how positive she is. She just has this calming influence. I used to think it was just a mom thing but as I grew up, I discovered other people felt that way about her too. I have always told her that I wish I was more like her. Steady, Calming, Positive. Someone people can talk to and yes, know everything will be all right. So to have this woman who I had known for literally 40 minutes come up and tell me that I reminded her so much of my mom in those ways made me feel so incredible that I thought for a second I was dreaming it.

“This is what I keep telling you,” my mom said later. “I just wish you could see yourself the way everyone else sees you. You would feel so much better.”

And this will be a different post, but then today I shotgunned Help Me! by Marianne Power, which I think everyone in the world should read. That book changed my perspective about a lot.

So today, I’m feeling good. My reentry into society went great. I finished an awesome book. My cats were happy to see me, I think. But most of all, today I feel like maybe, just maybe, I’m not totally hopeless. Maybe I will come out of this on the other side. Maybe I will be stronger, or something. I hope so. But it’s been so long since I had any hope for anything that I just am relishing the feeling, for as long as it lasts.

#personal

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timeagainreviews · 6 years

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The Eve of the Thirteenth

Recently I watched "An Unearthly Child," in preparation to write the first official article of Time and Time Again (TATA? Ok, I love that). But then it hit me that it’s a rather auspicious time to talk about the First Doctor’s first episode. With this being the eve of the first female Doctor’s first episode, it seems so appropriate. So I’m going to wait until after "The Woman Who Fell to Earth," drops. See what I did there?

I know this blog is meant to be about revisiting episodes, but the timing is just too good. Besides, it is my blog. However, this being said, I suppose I should share my hopes and expectations for series eleven.

Jodie Whittaker as "The Doctor"

Not since maybe Eccleston has anyone had as difficult a regeneration to overcome. While every actor new to the role feels a pressure to keep the show going, I’d say some feel it harder than others. Davison had to follow up an endearing seven-year run from Tom Baker. McGann had the pressure of trying to reestablish the show, as did Eccleston. Many people even said nobody could replace David Tennant. But the one I am reminded of the most is Patrick Troughton. Troughton was really one of those "make it or break it," Doctors. The concept of regeneration was far from established lore, it was rather a gamble.

Jodie Whittaker has a very similar weight on her shoulders. It’s another one of those "make it or break it" moments. The beauty is, I think she knows it. Everyone involved knows it. However, as much as I’ve emphasised on the pressures involved, I’m confident they chose the right woman for the job. She looks like a children’s show presenter in her costume, which is wonderfully coupled with her mad energy. For me, it’s never been about "We need a woman in the TARDIS," we need the right person in the role, and she’s perfect.

Doctor Who is the ideal show to change the gender or race of its lead. On a science fiction level, it makes total sense that the Doctor is able to change these things with ease. It’s almost laughable that it’s taken this long. It’s almost poetic. The Doctor- a man who has experienced thousands of years worth of exploration and change, still has something new to experience- womanhood. It is, as they say, about time.

The Companions

Honestly, I’m not that fussed over these companions. That’s not to say I’m disinterested or even upset with their casting. I feel confident they’ll all shine in their own ways, and live up to the show’s standard of companions. I think it’s cool that the Doctor’s friends this time around, are rather diverse. As a fan of older companions such as Wilf, or Evelyn Smythe, I am rather looking forward to Bradley Walsh as "Graham." Tamsin and Ryan both seem like they’re going to have some cute banter between the two of them. It seems pretty solid.

Many may say "That’s a pretty crowded TARDIS," but I like the bigger TARDIS crews at times, as they can be a nice way to add a new dynamic. The thing that would have actually excited me would have been a companion from the future, or past. Or even an alien companion. Not since Captain Jack, have we had anyone riding in the TARDIS who wasn’t from the present-day UK. We got teased with it in "Asylum of the Daleks," with Oswin, and again in "The Snowmen," but then we ended up with modern day Clara Oswald. I had even hoped for Bill to be from the 80’s or 90’s. Where are the highlander companions? The Keepers of Traken? I guess Nardol sort of counts, but come on.

Chris Chibnall

Mr Chibnall is probably my biggest worry for the series. As a writer, I’ve never been all that big a fan of his episodes. "The Power of Three," was one I found particularly dreadful. When the Doctor saved the day by pointing his sonic at a screen, I felt cheated. The little cubes amounted to nothing, really. It’s not that he’s a bad writer, he’s just a bit dull. He managed to make “Dinosaurs on a Spaceship,” less exciting than the name implies. That’s probably impressive on some planets.

Overall, I think he’ll do fine, I’m just worried he’ll be a bit boring. I hadn’t worried much until he said that no old baddies would return in series eleven. Which, is fine I guess, but why not? While the Daleks and Cybermen can be really overdone (especially the Cybermen as of late), there is a wealth of villains to draw from the Doctor’s rogues' gallery. One group I’d like to see her face off against are the Axons. Whittaker’s "Godspell" evoking threads call for retro baddies!

So long as Chibnall doesn’t get too dark like he did with Torchwood (which literally felt like a little boy excited over getting to say the F-word), I’d say he’ll do fine. Parts of Torchwood were a bit "lizard brain," to its credit. Doctor Who should always have a touch of the surreal. The first episode had it. An indestructible police box, bigger on the inside, that travels anywhere in time and space? It seems normal now, but even to this day, there’s nothing quite like it. Keep the energy up, and keep it weird, you’ll do fine, Chris. It’s not like you’ll get the series cancelled again.

The New Writing Staff and Production Crew

I’ll be honest, I don’t know much anything about the writers. I’ve looked them up and read about some of their stuff, but that’s about as far as I’ve taken it. I will say however, it’s nice to see so much new blood. Men, women, people of colour, many perspectives. Doctor Who thrives on being shaken up. I’m all for it.

As for the new production crew, it’s even more of the same- happy to see someone new. I know a few people were growing tired of the whimsical look of much of the Moffat era. And at times, I kind of miss the tacky trash TV look of the RTD era. From what I’ve seen of the series 11 trailer, we’re in for something a little more grounded in reality. The cinematography looks rather simple, the sets seem plausible, if not a little dull. I’m hoping they’re hiding the big knock you on your ass sets and cinematography for the actual episodes. I would not be averse to having a show that looked as colourful as the promotional artwork we’ve been seeing. It’s gorgeous. A feast for the eyes. If the leaked TARDIS console pictures are anything to go off, I’d say they’ve kept some rather exciting secrets from us.

Segun Akinola replacing Murray Gold

Music is such an important part of Doctor Who. The theme song is both haunting and exciting: portentous of the tale about to unfold. The Radiophonic Workshop, with geniuses of sound like Delia Derbyshire and Ron Grainer, pushed not only the atmosphere of the show to greater heights but music as well. In the same vein as musique concrète, they were pioneers of electronic sound.

Upon the reveal of Akinola’s appointment as music director, I promptly sought out his SoundCloud and spent an entire afternoon listening to his stuff. I was heartened to hear he was both melodic and ambient at different times. His music is minimalist, and percussive as well. One of my biggest criticisms of Murray Gold was that he was too safe a choice. For me, he never really felt strange enough for Doctor Who.

Perhaps I am an odd duck, but I miss the days of the Third Doctor driving his bizarre car to a soundtrack of muddy synthesisers that sounded as if they wanted to murder you. The closest Gold ever came to that level of greatness was the aforementioned "Asylum of the Daleks." The music matched the tone of the episode exquisitely. I had hoped to hear more of that experimentation from him, but he never really did. Akinola seems the kind of guy who just might take us to strange places.

As we all know though, the true test will be in his imagining of the theme tune. I was never a huge fan of the Capaldi era theme. It didn’t really, slap as they say. From what I’ve heard of Akinola’s work, I’m very curious how he’s going to approach it.

Well, friends, that’s it for now. We’ve got nowt to do at this moment but wait. The next time you hear from me, it will have already happened! I hope you’re just as excited as I am! Doctor Who series 11 premieres tomorrow, the 7th of October at 6:45 pm on BBC 1!

#doctor who #jodie whittaker #Segun Akinola #thirteenth doctor #bbc #tardis #tosin cole #mandip gill #bradley walsh #chris chibnall #series eleven

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sil9800 · 6 years

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My Swan Song...

To my dear friends, supporters, followers and all my #SPNFamily: Due to recent events over the past

month, both online and off, both positive and negative, it's become painfully clear the time had come when I needed to seriously re-evaluate my online/fandom life. With so much happening, and so many things to consider, it's taken me the better part of that month to come to any definitive conclusion; however, after an obsessive amount of self-reflection, many, many conversations with friends that genuinely care about and love me, and too many prayers and hours of contemplation to count, the time has now come to publicly share my thoughts with you.

As most of you know, I was recently blessed with an amazing, full-time, at-home job with a great company and a generous salary, plus benefits, and a fantastic boss to boot! It's a literal chance of a lifetime that is affording me the opportunity to regroup, re-focus, re-imagine, and rebuild every aspect of my life entirely! As such, it would be insanely irresponsible, ultimately stupid, and after years of prayer for just such an opportunity, I honestly feel it would be downright sacrilegious to do anything but devote myself entirely to the effort it will take to make this endeavor ultimately successful. Unfortunately however, as we've all learned from the show we love so much, success does not come without significant sacrifice. In this case, I'm afraid that means, effective immediately I am officially retiring from covering conventions online.

Deep breath...

Whew! Ok, moving on... As I mentioned, the reasons for my retirement are both positive and negative, and related to events both online and off. Yes, my new job was indeed the main reason for it and would obviously be an offline and positive event, but it was not the *sole* reason and to leave it at that would be a disservice to the truth. The fact is, in addition to my job and the changes it will bring to my life, there have been negative events online that my decision was also greatly influenced by. Simply put, the level of hostility and toxicity in fandom today has exacerbated my depression and anxiety to the point that lately, I dread coming online and fear what I will see when I do - and I've been feeling this way for a while now. From *my* perspective, the negativity I have witnessed in fandom, though it's always been there to some degree, has grown exponentially this past year. And frankly, it's breaking my heart.

I thought about going into all the horrifying things I have witnessed and experienced this past year, but most of you know what's going on out there already, and those of you that don't have made a conscious decision not to expose yourselves to it, and I wanted to respect that. But part of me also wanted to shine a light on it in hopes of inspiring a change in the behavior of those that participate in it. In the end though, I honestly just came to believe there's just not anything I could say that would make any difference whatsoever anyway. So I will only say that in terms of my retirement, the negativity did indeed play a part in my decision. I *could* have just not covered Fridays and rolled back Sat & Sun coverage enough to maintain a good sleep schedule, but why should I keep exposing myself to all this negativity that keeps upsetting me so much? Then I thought about all the people that *don't* attack. There are so so SO MANY people that *genuinely* appreciate the coverage my team and I provide. THEY are the ones that have motivated me to continue doing this for so long. And I swear, I almost kept doing it just for them. I was thisfreakingclose! It BREAKS MY HEART to disappoint them and that was, without a doubt, the absolute hardest part about this decision. But I found my answer to this quandary while I was reflecting on my journey in this fandom thus far. My journey started the day I started by fighting, even if it was only for my own very existence and through allll the pain I felt every single miserable day of my life. Then eventually, through the acceptance and love coming from the fandom, I came to believe I really was enough; that I was worthy of existing, of friendship, and even all that love that was being offered. Then I was gobsmacked to discover I was actually, finally loving myself enough to accept a great opportunity without self-sabotaging it along the way. And today, I've come to realize that #SPNFamily, the *real* #SPNFamily, will always have my back. So I'm putting myself first for the first time in like, ever, and doing what's best for me, and I know in my heart y'all will understand, because that's just how awesome y'all are, and I can't thank you enough for it!

In closing, let me just clarify, I am not leaving fandom for good, I'm just not covering cons anymore. If you're just following me for con coverage, feel free to unfollow me with no hard feelings at all. But if you enjoy my TL between cons, I hope you'll stay as my TL will likely be more of the same, though admittedly, I probably won't be posting as much. It's not exactly earth-shattering news that Jared & Jensen are my faves, as are Sam & Dean, and I won't apologize for that to anyone, nor should I have to. For some unfathomable reason, some people seem to think that means I don't like other cast and/or characters. So, for the record, I plan to continue doing just what I've always done between cons: celebrate my faves, and anyone/anything else I personally enjoy, with respect to, and without negativity towards other people's faves.

Finally, I want to say thank you to ALL my current, and past team members! Everyone that has ever helped me cover these wonderful and fun Supernatural conventions all over the world! I could NOT have been near as successful as I have without you!!!!!! I also want to say that I will always be grateful for this fandom and everything it has given me. You have no idea just how much personal growth I've experienced as a direct result of being part of this fandom. I'm looking forward to just being a regular fangirl again so I can reduce the negativity I see and block out the harassment I receive in order to maintain a healthy and uncluttered mind so I can focus on improving my life going forward. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for helping me get here! For the first time in my life, I can finally say, I've got it from here!

All my love, ~sil

#Supernatural Fandom #Con Coverage #Convention Coverage #Swan Song

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jillychristmas · 3 years

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how to why not

I am in love. I’m here to admit this for the first time, I guess to only myself because, while it shouldn’t ever be something someone is ashamed of, it’s something I am, in fact, ashamed of. The first question is so obvious...what is there to be ashamed of? Well, in my perception this love is a one way street and at 27 years old, I thought we’d be past driving down it. But life is unpredictable and it’s not the first time or even like the fourth or fifth that I’ve been so sure something would or would not happen and the opposite came true. After this past year, I truly believe anything, and I mean ANYTHING, is possible. It’s provided an interesting perspective for me as normally I am tempted to take that in the negative. My brain jumps to worst case scenario and I sit and I wait for it. Maybe to some extent I have even manifested it into existence. It’s funny though, a few years ago, I worked with a man who added “#WHYNOT” on every single thing he posted on social media, and I mean every. single. post. To be honest, I thought it was some kind of inside thing- a joke or some kind of mantra, and one day, I decided I needed to know. When I asked he said, “There are things on this earth that only happen once ever, there are even more things that have impossible odds, maybe 1 in every 100, 1000, 1,000,000 right? But those things all still happen once, and I say why not that one time be me?” I don’t think I will forget that for as long as I live, but I digress. That paragraph is a good example of how my brain avoids addressing the subject at hand, so back to my point. Back to sitting here and writing so that I can come to terms with where I am, and maybe provide my head with a wee bit of clarity and space. I met a boy a year ago, from would you believe it, TINDER. I may have written about the experience in a prior post, I can’t remember, but it was the best first date I had ever had, and when he asked for a second, I was overcome with joy. Three months of this like hooking up and hanging out and I brought up the dreaded question...where is this going? And to my surprise and a bit of sadness, he said nowhere. He wasn’t interested in a relationship, because the one’s you want really never are right? I keep these flashbulb memories of me and him, being absolutely perfect together, and sometimes I wonder if just maybe, he does too. I thought I was both cool and strong enough to handle the friends with benefits thing, but that ended as you could predict, quite poorly. In an argument, this boy showed his mean side, and for the first time in my life, I left someone literally on read and walked away. It should be of no surprise that two months later, he hit me up an apologized. We decided to try just being friends. The next few months are a bit of a blur, but the relationship was weird. We both clearly had walls up, there was an undeniable tension and when I attempted to address it, that mean side peeped it’s head. I can take myself out of any situation, and understand how it looks. If this was my friend I would say, this is not how a relationship or friendship or anything is supposed to be. You don’t need it, but what the outsider fails often to be able to do, is actually put themselves in the specific situation. But again, I put on my bad ass girl panties and walked away. You already know where this is headed right?

Three months later, we talked again, but I immediately noticed a change. Everything felt lighter. We did our first one on one outing for his birthday, which I was dreading to the highest of keys, but I ended up having so much fun. I drove home that night and cried. Feelings flooded my body and there was nothing I could do. He consumed my thoughts, and I battled between was this worth fighting feelings for? Is the same pattern going to repeat itself? How am I going to handle enjoying my time with someone I can never have? That’s three of twenty million questions that bounced around my mind like Olympic ping pong. I decided I wanted him in my life, and that being friends was the best way to do it, and he said that he agreed. I once heard, “Fake it til you feel it,” and convinced myself if we stuck to the friend boundary, this could be something beautiful. We talked almost every day and started hanging out even more. I can sit on the couch and watch the entire season of The Undoing or go on our own bar crawl on a Tuesday night and enjoy every second of all of it. I’ve never said okay to doing so many things outside my comfort zone, but also never had more fun doing so.

About a month ago is when things started to veer, and maybe you think I’m going to say in a negative direction, but I actually can’t decipher what emotions are attached. First, we made a long term plan, a professional sporting event that was months away. I was floored. That meant we had to make it copacetic for a period of time longer than ever before, but listen, I was here for it. Next, I asked to visit his home state “one day” and he invited me on his next return two weeks down the road. When that didn’t work with my schedule, he suggested Christmas. Again, floored. This is also when the, for lack of a better word, touching started. I have told him since day one, his hugs are something special. As a society I really think we are slighting the hugs, and post pandemic, they’ve basically fallen victim to cancel culture. So hugs with us were normal, but hugs turned into cuddling on the couch and then to cuddling in bed and taking naps together and all these kind of cute things. When we discussed what this was going to be again, he had said no sex. I was bummed, but was he probably doing what was best? Yeah. I read something on Pinterest that same night that said something along the lines of “When someone sets a boundary they are not trying to end it, they are trying to save it.” Felt timely. But just as a boundary was put up, I let a wall down. I opened up to him about the battle of the brain that I started at 24; my war against anxiety. If you met me on the street, you would never know what I went through. I am self proclaimed hilarious, chill and a go with the flow type of person. My anxiety surrounds a very specific issue, but it comes in hot and heavy when it’s here. I can count on my fingers how many people know the depths of that journey and I thank the universe for them regularly. I think the hardest opponent you can go up against is your own brain. It’s a part of me I am learning to accept, I’ve healed tremendously, but every now and then I have a moment and this shit is a sneaky mother. I fear the stigma that comes with it, about not being understood, I’ve experienced that more than once, but I decided to tell him. As a side note, I’ve been significantly more open about it. What really helped me was reading a book called DARE, which was about not living with anxiety, but defeating it. Reading those pages I felt so seen and to understand that this was so much more common than I knew, I just felt related to. So I hope that maybe by being more open, I will be able to be my more authentic self and maybe even make someone else feel understood too. When I told him, I didn’t cry, but I came close. He just sat and listened and halfway through, he got up and came right next to me and put his arms around me. He didn’t say anything, he just held me. It made me get even closer to tears more, I felt accepted and secure. This obviously made me like him more and or realize this might be an incredible friend. But back to the boundaries... here we are now blurring those boundaries. I have a decent amount of male friends and I can’t say I’ve ever crossed the lines this much before. The last time we were together, hooking up was brought up. I just want to take a second to say as someone with an anxiety disorder, these conversations often terrify me, but this past one, I was a beast. I am so afraid of saying the wrong or pushing him away, that I often silence myself, but this last time, I was that girl. I was light hearted and funny and he said he changed his mind. Laying in a bed, with our lips like movie status close, I didn’t go through with it. I got up and we went to dinner. I know what you’re thinking, “Sis what the f is up?” and to tell you the truth I have no idea. I have polled A LOT of people about this situation, various ages, guys and gals, like you name it and I am curious on what the hell you think is going on.

Without the back story, my coworkers, who are all dudes around my age, told me this is dating, this boy is into me, why am I calling us friends? No, I won’t tell them the backstory. I will say, they had some strong points and said we’ve done some things they would never do with a girl they didn’t like or weren’t really interested in. We’re not even talking about the cuddling, just some of the outings we’ve had. I told my one guy friend more details and he was most confused by the lack of sex. We’re doing everything a relationship is except that. Which I pointed out is a friend right? But he insisted this goes beyond. Also been the devil on my shoulder telling me to just go for it. To make my move and live a life of more oh wells than what ifs. I’ve always been that type of person, I’ve been rejected a lot in a variety of scenarios in my life, but I’ve never been left wondering. Then we have my best gals, the ride or die people that I tell every minuet detail too. They’ve told me to ditch him, but they’re also realistic. They’ve seen how happy he makes me, but also how sad I get because this is so close to being a perfect (I know nothing is perfect, but you know what I mean) relationship. They’ve told me I’m doing the impossible, trying to subside feelings for someone and still be friends. They’ve told me they want to shake him because these moves are unprecedented. I’ve taken all of these into consideration, and determined that I’m somewhere between professing my feelings and ghosting him.

But I came here to write, because writing is for me. I can listen to all these opinions, I can try to guess what he’ll do next, but there’s only one thing that I can control and that is lil ole me. I am proud of myself for opening up to him, despite the fact that one day there is potential that it might hurt me. I guess that applies to any situation in life though, there is always some kind of risk. I am learning to control my reactions. Just because I think something, doesn’t make it true and it definitely doesn’t mean that I need to react to it. I am keeping all doors open for outside potential. I’m not silly enough to throw all my eggs in one basket for the billionth time. I am learning to let myself feel. I mean really feel. I’ve been in the suppressing game for a long time and I have to say that whole “get it out of your system idea,” there’s really something to it. I’ve let myself cry and feel anxious, but also I’ve let myself feel joy, happiness, butterflies, deep belly laughter, euphoric, warmth, security, and yeah, love. I don’t know what the future holds, I typically assume it’s pretty bleak when it comes to my “dating life,” so while these incredible moments are happening, I am going to whole heartedly be present. This has shown me that while I have come an incredibly long way, I still have some things to work on, as I’m sure we all do. I have my tougher days, but there’s something telling me that the best is yet to come for me. Why not right?

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zutaraverse · 7 years

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Chapter 7 Part 1: Springing From the Earth

MATURE audiences only.. In both good and bad ways. R rated ok. Trigger warnings for torture, rape, murder, swearing, sex.

Although the days following the now-famous Agni Kai had been quiet and somber, both teenagers felt much closer to one another. Zuko had a newfound respect for Katara’s strength and control - how she had managed to pull herself out of the darkest chapter of her life on her own, and yet did not give in to her instincts of revenge enough to kill the captain. Katara similarly saw Zuko in an entirely new light; He had done what she had asked him, he had respected her need for closure and hadn’t tried to interfere. She felt proud that he believed in her skills enough to let her take care of herself. It was something Aang had ever trusted her with. But Zuko… Zuko understood and believed - even though she didn’t miss his unwavering concentration, ready to intervene should anything go wrong. And that, in itself, made her heart swell in gratitude.

Katara started considering whether the trip they had taken years before to find her mother’s killer had been more genuine on his part than she had originally thought. Perhaps it was motivated more by understanding and support than guilt for the betrayal under Ba Sing Se. The thought of it made her smile.

Slowly, things started returning to something like normality. They trained in the mornings, and there were no more protests when Katara walked into meetings. In fact, the counsellors eventually had to begrudgingly admit she was an important addition to their discussions, since she had most recently visited many of the areas they were analysing and she was the only one to have a firm grasp of Water Tribe traditions.

Zuko did notice, though, how every day the dark shadow that had inhabited Katara’s features since she had returned was being slowly lifted. She smiled more - really smiled, up to her eyes - and her laughs were more genuine. There was a distinct bounce in her step as she walked around the palace, and in training sessions she was much lighter on her feet. It was as if an enormous weight had been literally lifted from her shoulders.

It was rare that the Fire Prince’s schedule remained empty for any considerable period of time now that he was acting as Fire Lord. Rare - but not unheard of, he told Katara when he realised he had one of these precious days coming up.

The sun had awakened the earth by the time they finished training, having taken it slow instead of trying to cram as much as possible in a short amount of time. They tried to throw one another their own elements, so that they switched continuously between fire and water. It turned out beautifully when Katara conjured an intricate ship out of mist and Zuko managed to take it over seamlessly as it continued its journey across the room. Zuko then created a dragon out of fire, leaving it shimmering in front of them, containing a burning wisdom behind its amber eyes.

Katara grinned. The dragon was the creature from which fire was learned, so she would create her own counterpart. According to her text, it was the dolphins from which her people learned water - but Katara had seen very few in her life. Instead she gave a shape to the ocean, letting it free-form and become clouds and rain as the dragon and the sea danced around one another.

They ended the dance, painfully aware of how close they had become, chests heaving as they tried to breathe in enough air to fill their lungs once again. Their eyes met, continuing the dance of their elements, although there seemed to be fire in the depths of her blueness and a calm, growing tide behind his golden ones.

Katara was the first to look away and step backwards, breaking the spell they had fallen under.

“Maybe we should take a breath of fresh air?” she asked awkwardly. Zuko sighed quietly to himself, then nodded and they headed outside to the sun.

The light hit them in full force as soon as they stepped out of the door. Usually, the dim lighting inside was not far off from the early morning sun by the time they finished their training. However, since they had taken things easy today, the contrast was striking. They blinked away the first impact and appreciated how the golden autumnal light caressed the gardens. There weren’t really extreme seasons in the Fire Nation, just slight accents to the warmth of the sun and the colour of the trees; a half-hearted impersonation of the outside world. In the most sparse islands, which included some of the colonies, there was no difference at all - merely more or less rain at different times of year. The gentle climate had allowed the Fire Nation to expand as much as it had, since it did not need to worry about the winter months - although the drier seasons meant that certain food was hard to come by.

Now, at the beginning of this pseudo-autumn, the sun had mellowed and the trees turned yellow and shed their leaves within a week in order to fertilise the ground at their feet. Shortly afterwards, they would grow some more, not needing to wait out the winter frost. The air was slightly more biting that usual, although still humid, with a cooler breeze ruffling the messy hair of the two teenagers.

They headed for the grassy slope that lead to their training area, and threw themselves down on the lawn to gaze at the clouds meandering through the blue.

There was silence for a long time, each lost in their own thoughts and enjoying the welcome cool of the wind.

“Zuko?” attempted Katara, breaking the enchanting quiet.

“Mmmm” he replied, not taking his eyes off the sky.

“I wanted to say thank you. For… the way you treated me when everything… happened.”

“You’ve already thanked me Katara. And besides, there’s no need. You would have done the same for me.” Katara allowed herself a smile. Yes, she would have. It was something new that she held the same perspective as somebody else.

“No, I mean in the Agni Kai. You didn’t hold me back or force me to stop. You just… believed in me I guess and let me do what I felt I had to do,” she trailed off, returning her gaze to the clouds.

Zuko frowned.

“I’m not really sure what you expected. I took you to find your mother’s killer and stood by you as you decided whether to spare him his life or not. This isn’t really very different, is it?” Katara chewed her lip.

“This is going to sound really horrible but I thought when we went on that trip it was just because you felt guilty and wanted to be part of the group. I’m thinking that maybe I underestimated you, and that you may have done it not only for selfish reasons. So I guess, thank you for that too…”

Zuko’s face fell. He had tried so hard to dispel the bad opinions people held about him and the idea that she still thought that about him until now was not a nice feeling. It brought back too many memories.

“Katara, I did want to make it up to you. I wanted to show you that I could be as supportive of you as you were being of everybody else. I felt dreadful about what happened under Ba Sing Se - you were so kind to me, you offered to heal this monstrosity,” he indicated the burned side of his face, “and I could see that you needed some peace from the things that were tormenting you. I did hope it would heal the wound between us but I wanted to go with you even if it didn’t help me…”

Katara felt tears spring to her eyes at the sadness in his tone.

“I’m sorry. I don’t think about you like that anymore. I haven’t for a while but this… well… thank you… again.” They fell into silence once more, their minds drifting back to the times when first one, then the other, was so filled with hate and rage that they couldn’t even be in the same room together. Now a day felt sad and empty if they didn’t see one another.

“Hey Katara? Can I ask you something?” started Zuko screwing up his courage.

“Sure.”

“Well… you know that night we were going over trade and military… uh… things in my study?” Katara stiffened. She had a very bad feeling of where this conversation was going.

“Yes, I remember,” she said slowly.

“Well you kissed me…”

“You kissed me back!” she quipped immediately. Zuko was confused.

“Yes, I did. But you were the one who started it… and ended it. And I wanted to know, well, why?” The question hung in the air as Katara took a deep breath.

“Why what? Why did I start it or why did I end it?” her voice was steady. She owed it to him to be honest, after everything he had done for her.

“Uh… both?”

“I kissed you because I wanted to kiss you.” Zuko couldn’t conceal a small smile at that. Even though it was obvious; why would she kiss him if she hadn’t wanted to kiss him?, it still made his heart flutter. He wondered how much emphasis she was putting on the fact that it was him.

“And you stopped because…? Am I a bad kisser or something?” Zuko regretted his words as soon as they left his mouth. He was just trying to relieve the tension that had suddenly formed between them. Katara avoided eye contact, fixating a very wispy, non-descript cloud.

“No, Zuko, you are not a bad kisser,” she started carefully. Despite himself, this made him smile again. “You put your hand behind my head to… pull me closer I think. But I… have not been good with physical contact… as you know. I was scared that I would break down so I left quickly,” she glanced at him to gauge his reaction. “For what its worth, it triggered nothing bad. I didn’t associate it with what… happened… at all.”

Zuko stared at her in shock as he processed this. Of course! Obviously! He hadn’t thought of it because he didn’t know what had happened to her at the time.

“I’m so sorry Katara, I didn’t know…”

“No, its alright. As I said, I enjoyed it. But don’t worry, it won’t happen again.” Zuko inexplicably felt light headed at her words. Did that mean she regretted it? Maybe she was promised to somebody else after all!

“So… you regret it? Because I liked it you know…” Oh yes Zuko he thought that is definitely the way to sweet-talk the ladies! Zuko seriously needed to address the fact that his mind seemed to lack a filter when he was around Katara like this. He wasn’t sure if the conversation could have been any more painfully awkward.

“Wait what? Regret it? No, of course not! But… wait… Zuko can you just be straightforward about things? Do you want something like that to happen again?” She had sat up, hugging her knees to her chest and looking down at Zuko who was rigidly lying on the ground trying to control the fierce blush that was taking over his features.

“I… well… yes. I thought that was pretty obvious?” he said, avoiding her gaze. Then quickly added “but you know, if you don’t -uh- see me in that way thats fine too!”

Katara rested her head on her knees, squeezing her eyes shut.

“But don’t you think of me as disgusting after what happened to me? I told you what he did to me…”

Zuko’s eyes widened in disbelief. Katara thought that he found her repulsive! He sat up to face her.

“How could you even think something like that! Katara I think you are the bravest, kindest, strongest, most intelligent, most talented and … and most beautiful person I’ve ever met. I could never find you disgusting - not when we were mortal enemies and most definitely not now that you’ve proved how strong you can be!” The filter problem really needs to be addressed, he thought distantly.

“So… you… don’t mind the scars?” her voice was quiet, and she turned to him with wide blue eyes filled to the brim in tears. He gaped at her.

“What the HELL Katara!” he said angrily, moving towards her and pointing to his face, “have you forgotten that I have a scar that has fucking deformed my face? Given to me by my father? Or one decorating my chest given to me by my sister? What the hell is wrong with you?!” Now he was angry. If she thought he could dislike her because of a few scars when he himself was covered in wounds then she was thicker than he thought.

However, she shrank back a little and shook her head frantically.

“No, you don’t understand,” she choked out, “your scars, they add to your character; you got them by being kind and brave; they’re a reminder of how … how … amazing you are! Mine, I had no choice in mine. Its not like I was on some grand mission to save anybody, or help anybody - it was an accident that I was put in that situation. It is a physical representation of my own stupidity and my own weakness. I… I can’t even look at myself with them anymore!” By this point tears were streaming down her face, her eyes searching him imploring him to understand.

Zuko’s expression softened. He shuffled over to where she was sitting and put his arms around her. She stiffened momentarily before relaxing in his hold.

“Don’t tell yourself that Katara. That’s what Ozai told me about mine, and that is more of a scar than anything physical. I didn’t choose my scars either. I didn’t know he was going to destroy my face, and I didn’t know what Azula had in mind. Yes, I got mine having done, retrospectively, good things… but you got yours on a search for knowledge! You’re the first person in … well … Yue knows how long to command more than one element! You have translated ancient texts and become the most powerful healer the world has to offer. A journey you easily could have ended with Hama by following in her footsteps, but you chose not to. To me, scars are just reminders of the times we have been through; and yours show how any obstacle can be overcome.” He was stroking her hair and he felt his own throat close up at the words that were coming out of his mouth. He hadn’t even planned to say them but as soon as he heard his own voice utter them he knew it to be true. He sniffed, holding back whatever emotion was threatening to overflow.

“Besides,” he continued into her hair, “unlike some of us at least you have the looks to pull them off,” he chuckled, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

Katara stirred from his arms and fixed him with an angry glare.

“Oh please Zuko, you are extremely attractive and don’t even think of pretending you don’t know that!”

Zuko looked at her as if she were crazy, and let her wriggle out of his arms. They felt slightly empty, but he pushed that thought to the back of his mind.

“Oh, yeah, because you can see all the girls who are throwing themselves at me - and I’m not talking about the ones that want my position and money. I mean my last relationship ended up with her going off with another girl! Look, I don’t need your sympathy Katara, I know what I look like,” he grumbled bitterly looking away. Alright, bringing up looks was a bad idea. What was he thinking? She was far too pretty to be with him!

“ZUKO! Look at me!” she sounded mad. “I have travelled around the world. Twice. And I have seen fine men from all nations and all walks of life. From kings to chiefs to warriors to traders and shoeshiners. I can tell you that, honestly, hand over heart, you top them all,” she reached out to squeeze his hand. Well she looks genuine, he thought, maybe she hit her head very hard at some point. Regardless, not something to complain about!

“Especially,” she added with a weak smirk, “now that you’ve got rid of that weird bald-pony-tail-thing. That was not a good look for you!” He laughed in spite of himself.

They both seemed to realise they were still holding hands at about the same time. Katara blushed.

“Well, I guess if … we both … you know …”

Zuko rolled his eyes and leaned forward, closing the distance between them, and planted a soft kiss of Katara’s lips. She was taken by surprise, but as he pulled away she followed him and captured his lips against hers, savouring the feeling and the shivers that involuntarily made their way up her spine.

#atla #avatar the last airbender #blood chi and full moons #zuko #katara #zutaraverse

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parniarazi · 6 years

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flowing with the seasons, letting go of bs, & taking the road less traveled...

As we enter the colder seasons, retreating back into our warm homes and cozy sweaters, we also often find ourselves going back to old ways, feeling unmotivated, lonely, or stagnant. Colder seasons quite literally bring us seasonal depression, and the holidays often leave us broke victims of capitalism. Personally, this time of year is a busy one, finishing up the semester and working on applying for graduate programs. I find myself reminiscing my leisurely summer days, where I could read books, take long naps, and bask in the sun’s warmth. However, recently I’ve been finding a comfort and fresh perspective in the changing of seasons. Perhaps it also comes with getting older and maturing, but I’ve been finding deeper value in flowing with the seasons. Surrendering to change, in fact even embracing it, instead of dreading it or fighting against it. From the harvest season of the fall, to the cold and short days of winter, each season, each moon cycle, each day, brings us an opportunity to refresh and renew, to eat foods that are in season, to enjoy what each period of times offers us instead of just looking forward to the next. Nature and the Universe have provided me with so much guidance lately, all I had to do was slow down and connect with Her. Especially because I believe women tend to more connected and intuitive when it comes to earth energy - we really just have to slow down and find our connection. Connection to the women before us, connection to the feminine energy of nature, earth, and Universe, and connection to our own infinite source of intuitive wisdom.

I am working on breaking out of old habits this winter - finding stillness, solitude, and focus. By practicing listening to this deep, intuitive nature, I’m also working on being brave by tuning into what I have really have to say - no bullshit. No interference or influence of others, what I think I “should” do, what I think would be the easy route. As I’m applying to graduate programs, jobs, and just trying to figure what exactly I want out of this lifetime, what calls to my soul the most, I also have to become aware of what is truly coming from me and my inner voice and what isn’t. The older I get the more I realize that literally anything you can imagine is real - there are no set ways to do things, no single key to success or happiness - there are people reinventing what these things mean everyday. Reality is what you create - it is how you define it. It shouldn’t define or limit what you can, because it itself is constructed by someone. There all kinds of non-traditional routes to make change, be successful, and do things that make you feel alive. And these are hardly ever the easy routes to take. I’ve always wanted to continue pursuing higher education, to continue being involved in academia, and to get more involved in social justice, analyzing and creating better public policy, and improving my writing so I can create new content and knowledge that contributes to the world. I’ve thought about so many crazy ideas - creating my own publication, writing a book, creating my own podcast. It’s easy to brush these things off as too difficult, or just not possible. At first I was wondering if I’m even making the right decision by choosing to purse a PhD and continue my education, committing to many more years of studying. As I’ve meditated, talked to different people, and just let the ideas sit within me, the more clear it’s becoming for me that this is the right path for me. Yes, the less traveled and more difficult one out of my options, but the one that is most likely to give me tools I need to create new ideas and challenge old ones.

In academia, and in the world in general really, many times I feel like I don’t exactly belong, I’m not sure what spaces I would feel more comfortable in. Instead of searching for a place where I feel valued (a really ego-driven and individualistic desire I might add), I’m making the decision to shift this into something greater. From a place of service to others, and making the world a better, more inclusive place, I think about how instead of retreating back into my comfort zones, I can instead be a creator of new spaces, be the representation I need, be the leader I need. It’s hard to step into your truth and light - it can so easily reveal your weaknesses and bullshit habits, too. It is endlessly rewarding though, to know you are being your most real and authentic self, making decisions that come from your higher self, not the ego. This winter, I am breaking the old habits, breaking out of stagnancy and ego, and no longer buying into what I’m told to do by external forces. Instead, I am reinventing what can be done, refusing to sell myself short, and dedicating more time and energy into growing and expanding so that I can be my highest self and not hold myself back.

I wanted to end with sharing some recommended readings - knowledge that I’ve received that has made me more brave and self-aware. It is the best season to stay in bed and read after all!

1. The Code of the Extraordinary Mind - Vishen Lakhiani

2. Untethered Soul - Michael Singer

3. Evolution of Goddess - Emma Mildon

4. Introduction to Tantra - Thubten Yeshe

5. The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

#reading #winter #book recommendations #flow #words #the road less traveled #personal #growth

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