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ruinaimagines · 2 years

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I see LC/LoR imagines, I suggest one nugget anon on a tea break with binah. Probably not romantic but you can go that way if you desire.

This is written with platonic intent, but really can be taken any way you wish! Also cause you didn’t specify, just went with very story-like situational headcanons. If you’d prefer a scenario version just let me know, thank you for requesting.

Nugget Anon on a Tea Break w/ Binah:

As equally relaxing as a tea break would be, you likely have to know what you’re getting yourself into beforehand. If you aren’t prepared for abstract conversations and talks that don’t really come to a solid conclusion it can be an almost daunting task.

But considering you’ve been invited to have tea in the first place it’s almost certain you’ve had your fair share of her philosophical rambles, as well as participated in them yourself.

You’d concluded the first reception of the day, managing to get out in one piece and sort through the appropriate books. Never before did you have such a great understanding of alphabetical order until now.

For a brief period of time this left you free up until the next reception, which wouldn’t be until a couple hours. Or that’s the estimated time- considering the guests come here of their own ‘will’ you never really know when they’ll show up.

If you’re part of the philosophy floor, Binah will approach you herself and invite you for some tea. If you’re on another floor, however, one of the librarians from the philosophy floor will visit and relay some cryptic vague message of “Binah wants to see you.”

Rumors and myths can spread like wildfire, and for the librarians who were never assigned to the extraction team she’s like an omnipresent and menacing being. With that said, your poor colleagues might fear for your life, or start preparing a funeral early.

In reality you’re perfectly fine, greeted with the faint aroma of black tea and old as well as new pages.

There’s an empty seat waiting for you, as well as a fresh cup atop a platter, filled with the reddish amber tea. You know it’s part of a tea break by definition, but still the sentiment of brewing some for you to come back to after work was deeply appreciated.

Not only that, but when you take a sip it’s precisely to your liking. Whether you wanted anything added, or preferred the drink by itself, she was very careful in preparation.

The scenery is quite beautiful too. While each floor has its own breathtaking sights which differ greatly, the almost endless night sky stretching across the ceiling really adds a sense of ambience.

Binah speaks a lot on the perception of things, much as you’d expect from the patron librarian on a floor dedicated to philosophy. It’s not necessarily searching for right and wrong, but expanding on reason and the different ways things could be approached, even if they seem unrealistic in the city.

To be invited to one of these breaks means that she values your opinions, whether they may differ or are similar, and what you can add to the conversation. While not necessary, it would make a lot of sense if you had a rich history that had taught you a lot of moral lessons, but hadn’t pushed you over the edge.

Actually to contradict that last statement, it would probably be interesting as well if you didn’t come from a complex background. Someone who holds an almost fresh palette, and whose opinions might not be skewed a certain direction by past experiences.

It’s also relieving to speak to someone who just sees her as who she is now. Binah is very aware of her intimidating and mysterious nature, and she does use that to her advantage and enjoyment sometimes, but it can be a bit of a nuisance sometimes.

That as well as the Arbiter questions. Not to say it isn’t expected, I mean the moment she says who she was in a previous life it’s basically asking to pry deeper into it. It can be fun to lead people into loops and see them try to unravel any potential information they get, but just as with the fear people experience, it can get mundane.

Especially if they refuse to stop pressing for information. First of all, doing that and attempting to irritate Binah is a death wish. Second, if you believe with utmost certainty that she really knows anything, even though she’s expressed that she lacks the knowledge, your persistence just makes you look foolish.

Someone like that is probably moved to a different floor.

…After some abnormalities happen to ‘accidentally’ escape from the pages and terrorize them. Yeah, I think we all know who did that. No, no one’s going to say anything. No one is risking that.

So with that said, if you treat her with a sense of mutuality as you would a friend rather than another wonder in the library you will have great gratitude in return.

Sometimes it feels as if the topics you’re talking about feel unreal, although they very much are. You’ve just been locked in the library for so long that you’ve lacked a personal reminder of just what the outside world is like.

It’s like you’re observing everything from above, and you sometimes wonder if this is how Binah feels when she seems to ‘watch from afar’ before joining in on a battle.

You may run out of things to talk about yourself on these tea breaks. Considering Binah doesn’t retain any memories of her working for the head, and likely probably personal and childhood memories outside of the laborious and repetitive cycles of Lobotomy Corporation, you’re kind of on the stage here.

Though by nature she makes quite the listener. You won’t feel unheard or talked over, which makes a great opportunity for those who yearn to speak whether for reasons that they’re talked over or naturally quieter people.

She might recount her and Gebura’s fight long ago though, and if she does she is absolutely smug about it. You can tell from the little smirk on her face as she sips from her tea, and the tone in her voice.

While they are definitely better about each other now, if Gebura was there you’d be certain that old rivalry would flame up again for one last time and she’d probably try to sock her across the face.

If you ever run out of things to talk about, at least at the moment, you can always talk about your latest reception or the books you read and sorted through! There’s always interesting content in there, and while it does feel a bit like a privacy violation at times, it is your job so either way you have to do it.

You’ll discuss things like people’s motives, why they might’ve taken said actions, why someone might have wronged them, and more. Though you both agree that ultimately as you aren’t that person, you’ll never really know nor be able to make a decision based just on some pages of them.

When it’s time for you to get back to the next reception, she’ll gladly take your empty tea cup, bid you farewell and indirectly invite you back.

Though we all know you’ll be back.

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stellocchia · 3 years

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There is one thing I sometimes mention in my rants about c!Dream’s and c!Tommy’s relationship that I never expanded on, which is c!Dream assiging c!Tommy an almost divine value, well, that changes now!

Turns out I just cannot write short and concise analysis it seems, so I put everything under the cut...

/rp

I’ve talked a few times before about how Dream in his mind gives Tommy added value (again, Tommy has value as a human being already, but Dream most definitely doesn’t see that), but I want to go a bit more in depth about it.

So, we know by now that Dream has been obsessing over Tommy for quite a while now, though it really worsened with the beginning of season 2.

It is important to note that, at that point, Tommy himself was back on the idea of there being a friendly rivalry between him and Dream for the disk that was still in Skeppy’s possession, nothing more then that. He most definitely didn’t hate Dream yet (although their relationship has always been complicated) and he shouldn’t have posed much of a threat to Dream, right?

We also all seem to recognise that Dream would not have let up until Tommy was exiled, but I haven’t seen many people discuss the WHY of it. Why was it so important to him? Did he just do it because he hated Tommy? Did he do it because he was bored and wanted chaos?

Well, I think it’s because Tommy DID pose a threat to Dream. He WAS a threat to Dream because Dream had seen him during Pogtopia. He had seen him rally the troops, he had seen him keep people’s morale high even after Wilbur detonated the tnt and Techno released the withers, he knew what Tommy could do if Dream threatened L’Manburg while he was there, even while not being president (I mean, he still managed to lead a revolution against Schlatt even while never being the official leader). And Dream wanted to get rid of L’Manburg because of what it represented, because L’Manburg represented freedom from him, freedom from his rules. L’Manburg was a HUGE problem, so he needed to take out what kept L’Manburg together and that was Tommy.

But that’s not the only thing. If Dream only wanted Tommy out of the way, he could have just let him unalive himself or he could have killed him himself and pretended it was an accident. Heck, he could even have pushed for an execution in the first place instead of the exile! But he didn’t... and later on, during the Season 2 Finale, he outright refused to kill Tommy even in self defence. So for Tommy to have so much importance that Dream needed to keep a constant eye on him in exile and keep him alive, Dream’s mentality of Tommy being sort of the “key” to power must have already been in place when he formulated the exile plan (perhaps it was there from before then, but we can’t know this for certain).

I mean, he also ordered a whole prison that could have been meant to hold Tommy from the start (it has been confirmed by Sam out of character that it was made with c!Tommy in mind and the only indication that it wasn’t comes from c!Dream in a converstaion with c!Tommy, which we really shouldn’t trust at all) and a curious thing to notice on that, if that was the case, is that the prison itself is called “Pandora’s Vault”, why calling it “vault”? A vault is something that’s supposed to hold valuable items. It’s supposedly a secure location where you hide away your most precious things. Why calling a prison that? Anyway... that was just an interesting tid-bit I’ve been thinking about.

Back on the main tangent now!

So, what does Dream think of Tommy exactly?

“Listen Tommy, since you joined the server, you’ve been a headache! Okay? You’ve brought war, you brought terrorism, you’ve brought bad everything! But! But! The cause of all the wars, of everything, was attachment, alright? Your attachment to the disks, your attachment to Henry, to pets, to friends, to land, to countries, to items, right? (...) That’s- That’s the one good thing that you’ve done. The one good thing you’ve done is that you brought attachment to the server. So it took me a LONG time to realize how important attachment was, but, when I did, you know? It made me stronger, and I realised that you- you’re- you’re important, right?”

This is a quote directly taken from the season finale. I know it’s a long one, but it’s seriously important. Because Dream, with this quote, just asserted that Tommy is the reason attachments exist at all, even if that isn’t true of course (the whole disk war was kickstarted by Ponk getting mad when Sapnap retaliated to his prank by burning down Ponk’s lemon tree because he was attached to it), but to Dream it is.

Tommy, a normal human teenager with no “main character powers” (you know, like being a life and death god, or silk-touch hands, or having the brains to create nukes or being able to bring yourself back to life out of spite, basically he has nothing normally considered “special”) is deemed the reason why people are able to care at all. THAT is the added value I’m talking about. Dream doesn’t see Tommy as Tommy, he never did, he sees him as his own idealized version of him. And in Dream’s mind Tommy has so much importnace that, without him, attachments would just stop existing. “How do we know that” you ask? Well, why else would Dream have been so adamant about needing Tommy ALIVE? He already did his thing if bringing attachments was all the value Dream assigned to him. Now attachments exist, surely Dream can get rid of Tommy, right? Well, no. Because, as I said, to Dream Tommy is the embodiment of attachments.

I mean, he admitted so in that quote, didn’t he? He starts by telling Tommy that HE is the cause of everything: of war, of terrorism, of everything. But then, then he says that those same things are caused by attachments. How can we have both be true at the same time? Easy, make Tommy the concept of attachment personified!

“If I can control the things people are attached to, then I can control the server again!”

All we said before kinda puts this more in perspective. THAT’S why Dream is in constant need of controlling Tommy. If Tommy is the embodiment of attachment in Dream’s mind, then he is the embodiment of control and power as well. Because, if controlling a singular attachment gives you control over one singular person, then controlling the embodiment of everyone’s attachments gives you control over the server right?

“Look, it’s not fair! But Tommy listen: I need you, okay? I need you to keep bringing attachemnt to the server, because without you people weren’t really attached to things, but then you came and you brought ‘friendship’ and ‘countries’ and ‘things’ people can be attached to, right? And you brought that! And you’re- you’re the KEY, right? You’re the key to unlock the full potential of the server and power and everything”

Can’t get much more obvious then this... Dream literally described Tommy as “the key to everything”, that’s A LOT of extra value put on a random 16 yo. It would be a lot of value for ANYONE to have. In case it wasn’t clear, what Dream is saying is that controlling Tommy basically makes you a God. And, if it wasn’t clear enough yet, let me grab a quote from Tommy’s 3rd canon death stream:

“Tommy your life is literally IN MY HANDS, does that piss you off? Does that make you mad? Does it make you soo mad that I- you can’t kill me... I MIGHT AS WELL BE A GOD TOMMY! You can’t kill me and I can kill you!”

So, here’s the thing: killing Tommy is not that hard. A LOT of people on the server are stronger then him, even with the same equipment. At the same time killing Dream IS very hard. He’s literally one of the 2 best pvp-ers on the server. So why would this situation make Dream a “God”? Well, that’s because, based on his own philosophy, having Control over Tommy is what makes someone a God (it’s what gives you power over everything after all) and he here is fully in control. Not only because phisycally he is the stronger one, but also because Tommy admitted himself that he can’t kill Dream (Dream may wrongly assume that that’s because Tommy still has some attachment to him, which gives him another layer of control, truth is he’s just not much for killing people, the kid got too much empathy), which means he’s in control of Tommy’s mind and emotions as well to a certain degree.

And here’s the thing: wouldn’t Tommy need to be somewhat godly himself to be the ONE THING that can grant people the ability to become a God? Dream, by now, has elevated Tommy to a point where Tommy himself might as well be God. That’s why Dream was so eager to become immortals together, to study the powers that make Dream now think even more that he is a God, together, because, in his mind, they’re already on the same level, albeit in a very skewed way (and I say a “skewed way” because Dream still doesn’t see Tommy as a person, he still sees him as a tool, only he is a tool that grants people godlyhood apparently).

My theory on why c!Dream has this kind of perception of c!Tommy is because Tommy is his only remaining attachment. Dream got rid of all his attachments in order to gain absolute power, so he has to somehow justify to himself why this one particular attachment still doesn’t make him weak. Why still hanging onto Tommy (albeit in the most scewed up way possible) actually makes him stronger. He needs Tommy to be something more then a random 16 yo he once picked a fight with.

@ladycatland pretty sure you’d be interested

#dreamwastaken #tommyinnit #dream smp #/rp #tw abuse #character analysis #my post #I could go on so many rants about them...#but this one has been swirling around in my brain for a while now #tl:dr local green blob is convinced that a random 16 yo is god #said 16 just really wants therapy...

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reds-burrow · 3 years

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Do you have any tip to figure out your Secondary please ? I don’t know how I exactly deal with things and people because my perception of myself is very blurred and I am a mystery to myself (I’m probably burned to be honest) and everything is very confusing.

With all of these, try looking for the basic secondary trends (Improvisational vs Built, Fluid vs Solid, Circumventing vs Straightforward).

If you have someone you can talk about things like this with, ask them to describe you. Ideally, this will be a person close to you, who has known you for a long while, hopefully before you burned. Childhood is a good time to examine because you (hopefully) weren't burnt and had fewer, if any, models back then. Try reminiscing with people who knew you as a young kid.

Try keeping a journal. If you don't already keep a journal or diary or a blog where you write about personal experiences, try it for a few days. Jot down notes about your day, focusing on when you faced obstacles. Obstacles can be anything from how to start a new project, how to get someone to do what you want, how to deal with a physical obstacle, how to learn something new, how to deal with a surprise, etc. Be sure to include a record of your first thoughts on how to tackle the obstacle, even if it wasn't how you handled it in the end.

Think about what bothers you about other people. Since you're asking about your secondary, focus on what irritates you about other people's methods. Does it bother you when others wing it instead of preparing? Or when people take their time to get ready when they can just do the thing and be done already? Does it bug you when people insist that there is only one correct way to do something? How about when people take shortcuts in their work? In social situations, is it more irritating to deal with people who are blunt or people who say nice things they don't always mean?

Make a list of characters you identify with and examine their sortings. These aren't necessarily your favorite characters. These are the characters who you have the easiest, most accurate time predicting what they'll do next or how they'll react to whatever curveball the narrative is throwing at them. You can also look at characters that irritate you, in the context of the previous suggestion.

Face obstacles under your own control. If you find life too chaotic to think about your secondary on top of everything else you have to deal with, try creating an environment where you can tackle simple obstacles at your own pace. Video games are a good option for this because most games are based on a series of puzzles. Another good option would be to try learning something new, like a language or a new hobby. Be sure to track your methods either on paper or by talking to someone.

Consider how you react when embarrassed. People usually have a strong, clear instinct in the moment that they first feel hurt, and embarrassment is a type of hurt most of us have felt enough times for a trend to emerge. How did you want to protect yourself? Was your instinct to escape or hide (literally or mentally, by lying, by charming your way out, etc.)? Was it to get angry and fight, or to brush things off/bury your hurt and push through? These instinctual reactions should help you suss out which side of the Circumventing vs Straightforward line you fall on, but be careful! If your secondary is burnt like you suspect, this could skew your reactions towards avoiding engagement. Your primary has a heavy influence on these instincts too. That's part of why I suggest looking at moments of embarrassment: the situation is usually simple enough to illicit a pure self-preservation reaction. Avoid looking at examples when your people or ideals (or commitments if you're a Badger primary) were also being attacked because that can complicate our reactions.

Hope at least one of these helps you!

#I have a few more but they're for determining primaries #sortinghatchats #general sorting advice #ask response

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magireco · 3 years

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Would love to hear more thoughts on how these girls have understandable teenage motivations (A+ tag analysis by the way)

1. Thank you!!!!!!

2. ALRIGHT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS (shuffles my papers). i’ve gone off about homura’s motivations in depth before but i think it was only in dms/groupchats? anyways i’ll go in order with All the girls bc i think about this all the time as a teenager who grew up mentally ill and had their perceptions skewed because of it, and also i don’t think it’s talked about nearly enough for the others, at least on my blog... so, buckle up!!! this is REALLY LONG!!!!

3. i tried writing like, an individual thing for every member of the quintet all together in this one ask, but i ended up talking a little too much about homura and now i’m going to split up all the different analysis stuff for each character into the reblogs and work on it every so often! you’re free to kinda skim of course because i really did write a whole novel but here we go!! read under the cut. :3 this is literally essay length btw. i did NOT expect it to get this long but if you want to read it all i’d recommend it but i don’t expect most people to

First: Homura Akemi

okay so i’m going to kind of summarize everything but from the perspective of empathizing with her so if you don’t want to reread a whole recap you can skip to the ending few paragraphs

Summary

first of all, in episode 10, homura’s past is explained for the viewer. she was a shy, unsure girl who had been bedridden for a long time. she was clearly unsocialized, not to mention she went to a catholic school and those can be brutal, esp in japan... that’s all we know about her in that episode, but it’s revealed in one of the drama cds that she was bullied as a child(& further at mitakihara middle), her parents never were mentioned ever (i assume them to either be dead or neglectful, considering she lives alone and unchecked), and in magia record, homura says to natsuki that she’s never had friends before, she hasn’t been on vacation before until the beachside bonds event, hasn’t ever celebrated valentine’s day, has never celebrated new years, etc...

clearly, she’s missed out on a lot not only because of her sickness and hospitalization, but because of her isolation as a child at school. judging by her demeanor and the way she reacts when madoka comes up to her without being asked to, something like that had never happened to her before. it’s clear to me that madoka was many of homura’s “first’s”, her first friend, the first person who reached out to her, the first person to compliment her name honestly(validating her, disproving her dislike of her name), the first person to regard her so kindly rather than judging her based off of her appearance and demeanor (like other students had apparently done, this is also shown when the other students at mitakihara middle make fun of her for being tired after only being able to run one lap). AND, madoka (and mami, but homura knew madoka better at that time) saved her life, even though homura was so willing to die, just in that moment... i’d assume it made homura feel like someone believed in her even when she was at her worst. it’s really clear by the glimmer in her eyes that these are nice people that made her feel happy and welcome... and then walpurgisnacht came. she didn’t know much about magical girls and just believed in madoka and mami to be able to defeat the witch because she saw them as strong and saw the witch as defeatable, despite its size. and then mami died, right in front of her and madoka...

this kinda seems headcanon-y when i phrase it this way but it’s practically proven in her actions but i really think homura is scared to be abandoned, especially by someone who was as overtly kind and nonjudgemental to her as madoka... it’s in the way she cries her name and says “don’t go” before madoka runs away to fight walpurgisnacht. OH ALSO, i need to address this one thing really quick because people like to assume that homura didn’t care about mami from the beginning and only liked madoka. it’s not that she wasn’t sad when mami died, she was clearly terrified and didn’t want the same to happen to madoka, also mami LITERALLY WASN’T IN HER CLASS OR HER GRADE so i assume she spent most of her time with madoka considering they were in the same grade and class and probably shared most of their periods with each other... but also, once again, mami is older than both of them and homura probably saw her as more of a mentor/teacher that she needed to impress rather than madoka who was more on her level, i guess?

anyways, moving on... homura had to see madoka die (& experience the crushing guilt she felt for “letting madoka go” even though there was nothing she could’ve done) and literally says “i’d rather you had lived than saved someone like me” ... her self worth is below zero. she makes her wish to be strong enough to protect madoka(because she sees madoka, her first friend, who saved her life which she felt had no worth, as so strong and noble) which causes her to go back in time, etc. etc., you know the deal. okay before i move on to talk a little more abt the timelines and the personality change i’m going to address why it’s reasonable that she’d be attached to madoka.

i mentioned before that homura said herself that she had never had a friend before. just like, put yourself into her shoes for a second. this girl has no idea how to make friends; it was never taught to her. it’s literally rational that she’d get attached to her first ever friendship. it’s not “normal” the way she views madoka, but how could it be? this is her first time having a friend, she’s afraid of being abandoned by her, but she’s had to see her die over and over again anyway. she doesn’t want to lose madoka. even if she doesn’t go about it in the right way, there’s no way she would’ve actually known how to Do relationships. no one taught her. i think that needs to be empathized with more...

i kinda feel like i need to summarize all this just bc if i word it right it kinda reminds you & puts into perspective just how terrible and scary all of this was.

anyway Again, i would skip straight to the end of timeline 3 (where a New Flavor of trauma is given to homura) but i need to first address timeline 2 for a second. it was homura’s first time repeating the timeline, she trained with madoka and mami again, she was still hopeful despite what happened, etc. kinda just bonding further with madoka Again... and then it’s at the end of this timeline that she watches madoka turn into a witch, just in front of her very eyes... and realizes the true fate of magical girls. when she resets the timeline again, it’s up to her to start anew and break the truth to the group when she sees them again. when she tries telling the truth, sayaka immediately shoves this aside, claiming homura was just trying to split everyone up. it’s clear that that hurts homura. (also the little shinies in her eyes were wavering which is anime-code for sad) her feelings were immediately disregarded by sayaka and she couldn’t defend herself, but madoka did for her, and mami tried to diffuse the situation.

after they all find out homura was right when sayaka turns into a witch, mami kills kyoko and ties up homura in her ribbons and aims a gun at her, and this, rightfully, ignited a fear within homura... madoka is forced to kill mami in order to save homura, leaving only the two of them to fight together. then, when walpurgisnacht comes that time, The Promise is made... madoka tells homura to go back in time and save her from becoming a witch (because she doesn’t want to curse the world that way, she still sees beauty in it) and homura agrees, saying she’ll never stop until she saves madoka, and then... homura has to mercy kill madoka before she becomes a witch. she cries loudly and shoots madoka’s soul gem... it’s literally so heartwrenching and (usually) brings the viewer to tears, or puts something into perspective for them...

then we assume the personality change happens in the timeline right after. this personality change causes a lot of discourse because sometimes it’s seen as kind of irrational, but personally, i think even moemura had at least SOME resent for the world around her considering what she’d been through. it’s madoka’s repeated deaths that finally push her over that edge. i could get further into the coolmura arc but that’d take a WHILE, so i’ll just kind of explain something briefly though -- why homura ended up becoming even MORE focused on madoka. and i’m also going to debunk the claim that homura doesn’t care about her other friends as fast as i can before moving on.

also, ONE LAST side tangent, for those that think homura really did do a 360 degree personality turn are wrong. it’s shown explicitly in homulilly’s labyrinth that there’s this... “core” homura, a shadowy purple silhouette with braids. every time the series depicts homura’s internal self, it’s always glasses+braids, symbolizing her “child” self, who she truly is. she never stopped being that person. she doesn’t want to kill. ...but i can get into that in a rebellion analysis later! this is also shown in wraith arc bc the person inside her soul gem has glasses+braids. anyway let’s get to the next part i’m going to rant about

Homura’s Love for Madoka, but Otherwise Apathy

homura has seen many different, yet all similar, versions of her friends. the first claim i’m going to talk about which i saw brought up quite a few times before is in regards to homura and mami. first of all, homura absolutely still cares for mami, and not just in the “i only care about your life if it affects madoka’s” way. one part that always gets me is when mami ties her up in the series timeline after homura frantically warns her that this witch isn’t normal, to which mami IMMEDIATELY brushes this off, without even giving homura a chance. then, when mami’s ribbons fade away, homura looks horrified and just goes “oh no...” and it’s kind of obvious to me that it was in response to mami’s death rather than madoka’s reaction. this is arguably up for debate i guess because i’ve seen different takes on that reaction and it’s ambiguous, i guess? but i’m about to get into something extremely similar and that’s the sayaka situation, where madoka throws sayaka’s soul gem onto a moving car. homura gasps and immediately pauses time and disappears, running in literal open traffic and climbing on top of a moving car to retrieve sayaka’s soul gem. one could argue that this is ALSO only just because homura wants to save madoka (and kyoko) the fear, but don’t you think her expression would be different? if homura truly didn’t care for sayaka’s wellbeing, wouldn’t she be making an expression more similar to like, “oh, this shit again...” instead of the frantic one she was making in the scene? this kind of thing Also happens when kyoko asks homura to leave while kyoko’s about to sacrifice herself in oktavia’s labyrinth, and homura looks up sadly at kyoko and then back down at madoka, and once she knew kyoko was dead, she just quietly said “kyoko...” to herself. she usually refers to them as [last name, first name], but she dropped that during that moment... it otherwise sounds like a bare minimum thing to do, but keep in mind the timeline we’re shown in the series is implied to be like, the 110th timeline, i think? like, this is the last timeline, she’s worn down, but she still does have empathy -- or at least sympathy -- for the others. she still loves them.

homura promised to be madoka’s protector, she dedicated her life to her, and also she doesn’t have a choice not to dedicate her life to her anymore, even though that’s not fair to her... homura is in a really hopeless situation and madoka is her hope, and madoka is the one that judges her the least out of the quintet (like saying “i’m sure homura is good” to herself) upon first impression. also okay i mentioned this already in my last post (which you saw) but i’m going to bring it up one more time, homura is not mentally 26!!!!!! she is still 14 mentally!! in order to be 26, you have to have experienced 26 years of new life experience. maybe you acquire that through school, maybe you aquire that through friends, whatever it takes. but homura just repeated the same month over and over, and it’s not like her body (canonically) ages ever. she just kind of gets transported back into her body in the hospital again considering she’s back wearing her braids and pajamas... so, yeah. no mental development there. i also mentioned this here but i’m gonna say it again, that just makes it even harder for her to actually age correctly... it stunts her to 14. imagine being 14 for 10-11 years...

In Defense Of My Own Claims

btw before you think i’m just going full-on radical homura apologist, i’m not explaining all of this to be like “homura made ALL THE RIGHT DECISIONS because her trauma gave her an excuse!!” because like, Obviously, she did a lot of bad things, she killed people, did a lot of callous things, a lot of thoughtless things, a lot of things that make her seem emotionless, etc. but i just have trouble blaming her considering how things ended up, and it’s not like she enjoys killing people. she’s not sadistic... she ends up becoming short with all the others not only because of her (extremely) weakened trust in them, but also because the amount of times she repeated the timeline. i’d imagine it makes her feel like the others can’t truly die because she can just go back and see them again. (this is also why wraith arc/post-tv series must’ve been hard for her because she can no longer turn back time, things are permanent now, deaths are forever) she’s become so worn down that she’ll do anything to escape the loops... also considering she has no choice but to continue? although it shouldn’t be, it’s technically her job as a magical girl to defeat all witches and walpurgisnacht counts. it kills magical girls and tears up the whole city and she’s usually the only magical girl left... her choices, when defeated, are either to give up and die or to go back and try again, and she made a promise to her first ever friend to do just the latter... i just don’t understand how this isn’t easier for people to comprehend, that all of this trauma and stress and responsibility on top of an already traumatized 14 year old does not mix well. ever. she had to figure out all of this by herself.

TL;DR:

homura was a previously traumatized, unsocialized 14 year old with (very)low self esteem & self worth whose first friend (and first love, really, let’s be honest) died in front of her in horrific ways and she watched as she (and the other friends she came to make) drifted slowly apart from her in her endless and futile attempt in saving her from what proved to be an inescapable fate. also she’s 14 and also she’s (canonically) mentally ill and a lesbian. not a monster, not evil, not “psycho”. and that’s that!

#asks #luna-mistrunner #homura akemi #analysis #THIS MAY HABE TAKEN ME LIKE 2 DAYS ON AND OFF

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hansolmates · 4 years

Text

jjk; angel’s trumpet [04]

summary; one second, your life is flashing before your eyes and the next, you’re transported into a world exactly like your own. but the jungkook you meet in this world isn’t a renowned singer or your former almost-lover, in fact he has no clue who you are and why you know him so well. as you work to find your way home lost and confused, you conclude that you’re either dead or in the middle of the most wicked drug trip of your life. pairing; idol!jk x reader (f), alternatively film producer!jk x reader genre/warnings; fluff, angst, supernatural, idol!au, non-idol!au, alternate universes, themes of fate, language, alcohol consumption, mentions of smut in future chapters w.c; 5k a/n; lot of angst in this one!! if your heart aches i urge u to do what i do and hug some stuffies (my current fav stuffie is my bt21baby cooky) i hope u enjoy more of w1!jk, ty for all the love pls share and like if you enjoy!

[03] [04] [05] -> masterpost

W1.

Jungkook is strongly advised not to visit you.

Jungkook has been strongly advised over the past two weeks not to visit you, despite the fact that visitors have been allowed since two days ago considering the fact that you are confirmed comatose.

A coma. You’re in a coma. It’s weird how much the notion echoes in Jungkook’s thoughts, constantly nudging the back of his mind like a petulant child wanting an out. He’s never met anyone who’s been in a coma before, the condition only reserved for late night melodramas and medical movies.

And in all of those shows, the person bedridden until further notice always looks like a wreck. He feels like ripping his heart out at the thought of you with tubes and liquids going in and out of your body, face ashen and devoid of any thought other than pain. He needed to see you, to support you even if you didn’t know.

After days of persistence and Namjoon’s inability to say no to Jungkook, Namjoon agreed to let Jungkook swing by the hospital after his solo recordings. He couldn’t get there fast enough, knowing Namjoon is already there and probably taking care of you.

He takes slow steps to your room, as if trudging through a sea of molasses. Careful to not let his combat boots strike the linoleum, he catches the tail end of a conversation. Your room is large enough for two patients, but so far you’re the only one checked in. There are three other people in your room, concealed by a thin curtain revealing them as shadows. Jungkook lingers behind, staring intently at the shadow of your figure laying in bed.

“How inhiberated was your friend the night of the incident?” Jungkook’s presuming it’s your nurse, going over protocol.

The second voice is Sehlyung, the bubbly coordinator who immediately befriended you the week you got hired. Her voice is no longer chipper, but strained and weak, as if she’s been crying for days.

“I don’t know exactly how much,” she sniffs, “but it was a lot. She had a rough day, I—I just wanted to help her forget a little,” her soft cries reverberate throughout the white-walled room. “I should’ve, I should’ve helped her upstairs. I knew how messed up she was and I left her alone!”

Jungkook’s fists clench beneath his hoodie, familiar moisture creeping into his eyes.

Sehlyung’s words felt like a jab to his form, already aching at the wounds in his own heart. It isn’t the answer the nurse wants, but it seems like the poor woman has been holding in a lot of pent up stress. Namjoon’s trying to placate her, and Jungkook can see the way he’s patting your friend’s shoulder in a gesture of comfort. “No one’s blaming you, so please don’t blame yourself,” Namjoon’s words are like a balm to the proverbial wound, “Nurse, is it possible to project how long it’ll take until she wakes up?”

“Hard to say,” your nurse replies, and has the decency to sound sad, “it could be weeks, or even months. Judging by her high amount of brain activity however, she’s predicted to awake with very minimal brain damage.”

Brain damage?

“Eventually her insurance will run out however, the longer we need to sustain her will depend on how much her cosigner—”

“Money will not be an issue,” Namjoon cuts in smoothly, almost sounding insulted that the nurse would even bring up such a thing. “We can’t put a price on our precious friend’s life.”

As much as Namjoon’s words alleviated Jungkook’s initial anxieties, the question still stands. Will you come out of this the same person you left? How long will that take, weeks, months, years? He’s extensively Googled before this, reading way too many WebMD articles that he probably shouldn’t have, effectively skewing his perception on the matter.

He fiddles with his hands in the kangaroo pocket of his sweater, clammy from the heat. You’re suffering, and just like Sehlyung, he’s trying very hard not to blame himself.

•━━━━━━»•»💮💮💮«•«━━•••

W2.

Angel’s Trumpet Scientific Name: Brugmansia Order and Family: Polimonailes and Solanaceae Summary: A higher order of nightshade, the Angel’s Trumpet is a show-stopping pendulous flower that hangs like bells. In myth, they were prized as chimes holding magical properties. In modern use, Angel's Trumpets have occasionally been used to create recreational drugs, but the risk of overdose is so high that these uses often have deadly consequences.

So you’re either dead or in the middle of the most wicked drug trip of your life.

You push away from your MacBook, rolling over to your bed to mull. It’s near two in the morning, and you’ve channeled both your love for Buzzfeed Unsolved and your poster making skills in order to construct The Timeline.

Using your somewhat solid memory from the past two weeks and Hoseok’s own timeline from his daycare shift, you spent the entire night plotting as to why you’re in W2 and how you can leave.

Your plan of action is minimal, definitively so because there are no leads other than Sehlyung’s wine dealer, and Jungkook.

Something must’ve been in the angel’s wine, something dangerous. You remember the sky flickering that night, wondering if you were hallucinating or very drunk. Scientifically speaking however, if you really are under the influence of this flower, the hallucinogens should’ve left your body by now.

Unless it’s magic that brought you to this world. As absurd as it is, the notion of magic gets easier and easier to cite as the days go on.

And if it is some form of magic, something tells you that Jungkook has something to do with it. But why?

One: Jungkook’s birth flower, you muse. You think back to how vivid the ink appeared on Jungkook’s skin, how precious the design meant to him. It made you think back to your Jungkook, who couldn’t stop fidgeting as he was so excited to get some serious ink done when visiting a friend in Jeju island. How bright his face glowed after it healed and how proud he was to show it off.

Two: The last thing Jungkook said to you. How coincidental must it be for him to specifically cite your relationship could work in “another world”?

You’re definitely overheating your brain at this point, and you trudge yourself out of bed to make something to eat. If you were going to spiral, you were going to spiral with a full stomach.

The pot as the water starts to boil, crackling and bubbling angrily because you are impatient and cranked up the heat to high. An open ramen block sits on the counter, ready to be softened. Suddenly, the door unclicks and you point your fork at the door. Panic fills you, wondering who could be visiting at this hour.

“Home sweet home!” Taehyung cries, swinging the door open so hard that it reverbs and hits him in the forehead. However he is unfettered, flashing you a toothy smile as he dumps his luggage at his feet. “Care to open another ramen packet for me, roomie?”

You lower your fork, remembering that Taehyung’s due to come back sometime this week. “Welcome back,” you exhale, forcing a smile as you watch Taehyung arrange his mess in a corner, “did you have a good trip?”

“Yeah, Busan’s nice,” he replies easily, dumping his body on the couch. He looks the same, shaggy brown-black hair and mischievous chocolate eyes. He still has an affinity for earth tones and long coats that make his shoulders look good. Despite the fact that you always expect that their counterparts will look alike, it baffles you how easy it is to forget you’re not in your world. “What about you? Why’re up so late?”

“My thesis was bugging me,” you lie easily, “I’m gonna work on it in the library tomorrow.”

“Ah, is that why you’ve been ignoring Jimin’s texts?”

You stop swirling the noodles in your pot, looking up from your spot at the counter. “He told you?”

Truth be told, you haven’t been exactly comfortable conversing with Jimin. You feel a little bad if your alternate self had a thing for the young man, but you know in your heart you definitely did not hold any romantic or sexual attraction towards him.

“Duh. You’ve hurt his heart.”

You scoff, dividing the pale yellow noodles and soup between two bowls. “Jimin’s a big baby, that’s why.”

“C’mon, you love that big baby,” Taehyung jests, “have lunch with us tomorrow during his break,” his eyes are glued to the bowls in your hands, as you carefully walk over to place them on the coffee table. Like an eager puppy, he scrambles off the couch and onto the floor, joining you in your meal.

You bite back a sigh, stuffing your face with hot noodles to give yourself some time. It still grossed you out that you supposedly hooked up with Jimin on the regular, but at the possibility that you were potentially messing up your alternate universes’ life still held you back for telling Jimin to kindly stop sending dick pics.

“If you pick me up from the library tomorrow I’ll come,” you concede, “just don’t make it weird, okay? I’ve had a hard week.”

“Done,” and that became that.

Taehyung and you cite the silence as being exhausted from today’s events, and you two quickly scarfed down your meal and headed off to bed. Another day gone, and another day longer it takes for you to return to your world.

•━━━━━━»•»💮💮💮«•«━━•••

“Your life’s totally an anime movie,”

As much as you love Hoseok’s support, the fact that he’s so excited is a little unnerving.

“You’re like an alien! Or Phil of the Future who’s trying to get back to his timeline!”

“Hoseok…”

“Right, right. Sorry. But think about it,” he jabs a finger in your notebook, citing the pastel pink sticky note where it’s crossed out. “If you fall in love with W2 Jungkook like W1 Jungkook implied, it’ll fulfill your prophecy and you can go back home! And then when you go back home, W1 Jungkook will realize he was being a pussy and then grovel at your knees for forgiveness and—”

“Please stop,” your head is throbbing. The fact that you’re talking about two Jungkooks is terrifying, because it was hard enough for you to handle one Jungkook on their own. “Even so, what’s to say that Jungkook and I really aren’t meant to be? It’s not like W1 Jungkook was wrong. He has a busy life and I know a romantic relationship could add extra stress on him.”

A little part of you felt good to tell another person about your struggles between Jungkook and yours’ unnamed relationship. Of course, you had to catch yourself sometimes when you delve a little too much. Hoseok after all, doesn’t know either Jungkook. You also forget yourself, often muttering a variant of “shut up Hobi you absolute Fruit Loop” when Hoseok gets too giddy. The Hoesok next to you is still just as new of a friend, not this co-worker you’ve spent the better half of two years with.

But back to his theory, while there was no symbolic chime that signaled the start, it grew into a slow, easy love, at least for you. As your and Jungkook’s feelings grew, the more your panic bubbled to the surface. Was it a risk you were both willing to take? Evidently not, from the way Jungkook had slammed the door in your face.

Another reason why you’re hesitant to test the falling in love theory—it’s too easy to fall in love with Jungkook all over again. It scares you. Without his music career in the way, what’s stopping you?

Hoseok squeezes your hand at the way you stare so intently into your timeline, sending you a tender smile, “Don’t think so hard. Even so, a little date won’t hurt, right?” he whispers, picking up his things, “text me if anything happens. My kids are coming soon.”

You give him a halfhearted wave, leaving him to his shift at the daycare. You were so engrossed with the influx of information yesterday that you failed to ask Jungkook for his phone number. This meant that you had to do some intense social media stalking in order to find him. If he’s anything like W1 Jungkook, you’re going to have a hard time finding any updates from him.

“Excuse me? Professor?”

Tilting your head from your notepad, you notice an undergrad had replaced the seat that Hoseok previously occupied. She’s a pretty thing, with long raven black hair and almond shaped eyes. You suddenly feel very ratty and underdressed as a professor, the leggings and oversized sweater with a questionable stain really giving off baked-potato vibes.

“Do… yeon?” you say, remembering her from an email thread you sent a while ago.

She beams, “Yeah! I’m so glad I found you. I know Professor Kim said he’d be absorbing your classes since you’re on leave, but I really need help with my final draft. Professor Kim tried to help me and…”

“Let me guess,” you smirk, “his thoughts were way too convoluted and you need me to get straight to the point.”

Doyeon snaps her fingers, “Exactly!”

While apprehensive with medical knowledge, you can still find confidence in your essay grading skills. You spend the next half hour looking over Doyeon’s paper, pointing out how things she could improve on or articles she could cite. Soon enough, Doyeon texted two other members for her study group, saying that it’s a once-in-a-semester-offer to get some time with you.

And you’re baffled at how easy it is to fall into this professor role. It makes you believe that if you really wanted to, being a professor would also be a perfect job for you. The students are buzzing around your table, excitedly whispering how happy they are to work with you after so long, and that they miss the way you teach your lectures. For two blissful hours, you forget your circumstance and keep your focus entirely on your students.

A loud, obnoxious cough breaks you and your students out of their work bubble. Taehyung is tapping his Valentino loafers impatiently, holding a very large back of what seemed to be you and Jimin’s lunch.

“Sorry kiddos,” Taehyung sing songs, already stuffing your work stuff in your bag, “she promised to go out and have lunch with mature adults.”

“We’re literally like, a couple years younger than you,” Chan scrunches his face, sending you a pleading look.

“Sorry Chan, I did say I was going to have lunch,” you concede, “but please email me if you have any more questions. Otherwise, you’re right on track!”

You wave at the thankful students happily, and Taehyung literally has to drag you out by the arm and shove him into his Uber before you could relent.

“Damn girl,” Taehyung chuckles, relieved to finally get you out of the library, “you didn’t hear me the first three times I was calling you. Chan looked like he was about to rip my head off!”

You shrug lightly, “What can I say, the time really flew with them.”

•━━━━━━»•»💮💮💮«•«━━•••

What a coincidence, you’re in the same place he is, again. More specifically, his new workplace.

How is it possible that you have so many handsome friends? Jungkook is baffled by the way Park Jimin and the dark-haired friend feed you fries like you’re their precious daughter. In response, you scrunch up your nose and push them off, instead deciding to shove five fries in your mouth all at once.

As much as he wanted to ask you out since you admired his tattoos yesterday, he can’t find it in him to go up and interrupt your lunch. Besides, he has work and he doesn’t want to complicate things if Jimin finds out he was the one responsible for nearly running you over the other day.

If he walks fast enough, he can avoid any awkward interaction and make it to his office so he can give the day’s full report—

“Jungkook! Get your cute butt over here and meet my friends!”

Crap.

Trying not to glare daggers at his new co-worker, he places a thin smile on his face as he moves to your table in the corner of the cafeteria. He lets Jimin give the whole spiel on how he hired him, and Jungkook decides to hover awkwardly while the rest of you are sitting. The sun filters its way through the windows and bleeds brightly onto your body, making his throat dry and constrict in awe. Your expression is definitely more positive since that time at the library, and he wonders what he has to do to reach that level of contentment you’re sporting.

“Guys, this is Jungkook. I just hired him last week. He’s like my son.”

“Ewh,” the dark haired guy upturns his nose. “But hi, I’m Taehyung.”

While Jimin goes into detail about how amazing he found his work, he can’t help but notice the fond smile that melts upon your face as you listen intently to Jimin. Jungkook wants to archive that expression on your face and save it to memory, the way you look so pretty with your chin nestled in your hand, turning your head slightly to gaze at him with a look of what—pride? Affection?

“You sound like quite the artist,” you muse, “I would love to see some of your work if Jimin says it’s that good.”

He rubs his head bashfully, clutching the camera hanging on his chest like an anchor. “Oh no, I’m just starting out,” he replies shyly, although he would be lying if he said he didn’t crave the attention you were bestowing on him.

“He’s actually going out to Dongdaemun to get some stuff done for his portfolio,” Jimin pipes up, “hopefully get some good content for the commercial he’s filming.”

“Oh, do you mind if I tag along?” you ask, picking at a hangnail, “I’ve always been so curious about the producing process.”

Jungkook’s eyes dart between Jimin and his friend, noticing the telepathic conversation they’re exchanging between you two. Jungkook’s palms start to sweat, not because Jimin definitely wants to probe, but because you made the first move. You pay no mind to the boys, nonchalantly pushing in your chair as you practically float to Jungkook’s side.

“Wait,” Taehyung recovers first, “you know him?”

You agree with a vague wave of your hand, “we work in the same area.”

Jungkook knows for a fact that’s not true, as you only started appearing in his life when he almost knocked you out. But Jungkook can only nod like a bobblehead, not wanting to get into the nitty-gritty.

“I promise to stay out of your way,” you say, “but don’t feel pressured if you don’t want me to go at all!”

“No no, I want you to come!” and Jungkook raises his voice a little too high to be deemed mannerly, and he watches you step back a bit at the sudden intrusion. His face is on fire, especially when there’s a little smirk grazing your lips.

“Well if you want me, you’ll have me.” you flirt, gesturing for him to take the lead.

Jimin and Taehyung’s faces have fallen flat. There’s a stray bit of limp lettuce hanging sadly from Jimin’s lip as he watches Jungkook escort you out of the building. Meanwhile, Jungkook is swallowing the biggest smile on his face. He’s going to spend the rest of the day with you. He doesn’t know if he’s going to get a decent shot in because you’re a definite distraction, but it’s totally worth it if he can get to know you a little better.

You mention that you haven’t walked around Seoul in a while. Jungkook wants to ask more about it, but as open as you display yourself, there’s definitely something guarding you. Jungkook wants to chalk it up behind the whole fiasco of mistaking him for someone else the other day, so he doesn’t want to step on those eggshells again.

But Jungkook is here to work. So he tells you to walk on and lead the way to Dongdaemun while he gets ample footage of the city.

He’s taking pictures of you along the way, but he decides to leave that part out. He likes the way your long red dress swishes in the breeze, the tail end of the fabric brushing against his legs whenever he gets too close.

You stop in front of a pet store, face glowing as you point to their aquarium tank. “Look!” you cry, tugging his sleeve over as if you’re long lost friends, “it’s my boi Nemo!”

He cracks up at your joke, as you excitedly shout to Jungkook that “you found your son!” and it spurs him on to continue his peals of laughter. The joke isn’t that funny but it’s humorous enough coming from you and the smile on your face is enough for him to return one equally as big.

“C’mon,” his fingers brush over the bare skin of your forearm, sending sparks straight to his heart, “it’s getting dark. Just keep swimming.”

Jungkook manages to get some good sunset content before the sky turns navy. He’s not a big fan of photographic tourism spots, but Jimin insisted that the big boss wanted a specific style for their company and he needed to get used to making the usual seem unique.

Looking over his shoulder, he sees you swinging your legs on a nearby bench. You’re munching on a bubble waffle, cheeks puffed as you concentrate on the Cheonggyecheon stream, water babbling.

He’s about to ask you if you want him to take a picture of you, because he thinks you would look beautiful with your dress billowing as you hop over the stones, but he notices the sadness in your face as you gaze at the water.

Lowering his camera, he sees the way your chewing slows, as if you don’t feel like putting anymore effort in the action. Your dimmed gaze seems to peer into a different world, as if you could dive right into the water and transport yourself far, far away from here.

Jungkook takes tentative steps, crouching down from your space at the bench so he would have to look up at you. His hand hovers to balance himself on your thigh, but he thinks better of it and decides to hold onto the wood.

“Can I ask you something?”

He doesn’t comment on the strain in your smile, “Sure.”

“Do I remind you of y’know, him? Your Jungkook?”

Your smile increases, and he doesn’t expect it. Shifting over, you pat the space next to him. It’s a tight fit, and your thighs brush his. “Yes and no. It doesn’t hurt or anything, really,” you answer softly, and you reach for his hand, pulling the long sleeves apart to reveal his tiger lily tattoo. He doesn’t believe your excuse for a damn second, but decides better than to speak against you. “He’s still around, even if he isn’t here. I guess I was just thinking about how we could never go out like this.”

He tenses under your ministrations, and you immediately pick up on it like a sixth sense. “I’m not trying to replace him,” you add, and he tries to relax as you trace the petals on his arm, “I’m sorry if you felt that way. But it’s... impossible to compare you to him, really.”

“So, would you be interested in seeing me again?”

“I’d be upset if you weren’t, Kook.” you manage to pout, and you slide your hand down to thread your fingers between his. “Can I take you out on a date?”

“Only if I can take you out on one after.”

And it’s easy for the both of you to forget your circumstances, at least for tonight.

•━━━━━━»•»💮💮💮«•«━━•••

Jungkook drops you off at your apartment soon after, and it feels nice to kick off your shoes and place your bare feet on your soft carpet.

Your roommate’s feet are propped up, covered by a fuzzy grapefruit-colored blanket. Taehyung stretches his head from the couch to throw you a teasing smile, “Sooo, how was your night?”

Instead, you point a finger at the flatscreen playing some Korean drama. “Is that Jin?” you balk.

Taehyung cranes his neck to where he paused the drama. The man on the screen is definitely Kim Seokjin, judging from the plush lips and irritatingly symmetrical face. He looks absolutely comical in his Joseon get up and mustache, and you’re not surprised that he made it to the acting industry.

“Kim Seokjin? Yeahhhh,” Taehyung melts, relaxing into the couch, “that man is so fine I just want him to bend me over that little well and—”

You physically gag, causing Taehyung to break into peals of laughter, forgetting about his fruitless celebrity crush. Only you would never forget this interaction, the words currently searing into your memory at the thought of seeing Seokjin and Taehyung in the same room when you manage to return. “So?” he goads, “Jungkook? He looked like a scared bunny when Jimin glared at him.”

“It was… good,” you settle as an answer, reaching over to ruffle Taehyung’s messy bed head. “I like him, Tae.”

“That’s good,” Taehyung nods, “you deserve more happiness in your life.”

“You think so?”

“I know so!” Taehyung jerks up, punching his fist in the air. You giggle at his antics, and he ushers you over to the couch, “good things are coming, y/n. I can feel it.”

You don’t tell him, but you can feel it too. Sharing his blanket you snuggle further into the couch, asking questions about the famous actor Kim Seokjin and his litany of dramas he’s filmed under his belt. Tonight, falling asleep next to Taehyung, you have the best night’s sleep in weeks.

•━━━━━━»•»💮💮💮«•«━━•••

W1.

Jungkook sits in your sickness.

Namjoon says he doesn’t have to, doesn’t need to stay the night. You’ll be fine, your family will come in the morning and care for you. For once, Jungkook tucks his tail and says he wants to, even compromises to bring his work so he doesn’t miss a deadline.

But he can barely get a bar in because he’s too focused on you, your form all-encompassing as he makes sure you’re well-taken care of. Sehlyung dropped off your things from the apartment, carefully packed neatly in a duffle bag you’ve never used.

Soft, lo-fi hip hop plays from his computer speakers as he takes the time to nurture you, care for you. It’s dark outside, the only light emanating from the hallway and a dim desk lamp. He’s done his research, making sure to keep you as clean as you would like to be. He brushes your hair, takes the time to remove the tangles and pin it out of your face. His hands are slightly greasy when he’s done, and his hand falls to your hospital sleeve.

“I wonder how I should wash your hair,” he says aloud, “maybe I can get a small basin or something? It’s not the first time I washed your hair, remember when you sprained your arm after we snuck around in Dongdaemun?” he smiles at your peaceful expression, neutral, “you were such a baby, didn’t feel like shampooing with one hand.”

Talking is also good, too. They say that sometimes the patient can hear and recall conversations family and friends have shared. It’s a little jarring to them, almost like they’re drowning in their heads and unable to bubble up to the surface to reply, but it’s still reassuring to hear familiar voices.

He massages your limbs with lavender scented baby lotion, making sure your body isn’t wasting away and stretches your fingers and toes. You’d have a fit if you didn’t do your whole lotion routine daily, wanting to be soft and huggable at all times of the day. He puts on a pair of pink bunny socks, making sure your feet don’t get too cold in the sterile room.

Running out of things to talk about, he settles for singing along to his playlist, knowing how much you loved to fall asleep to the sound of his voice. He’s tired and he doesn’t feel one-hundred percent, but he hopes you appreciate the sentiment either way.

Weaving through the wires and cords that sustain you he places your hand in his larger one. Jungkook wishes he could care for you everyday like this, treat your body like a temple and wait for you to wake up. Resting his head on the mattress, his soft locks brush against your thigh unkempt as he focuses on tracing words on your palm.

Lavender. Chicken. Netflix.

Your nurse steps in, giving Jungkook a polite wave as she does her nightly rounds. He mumbles a half-hearted greeting in response, immersed in working between the lines on your soft skin as he traces character by character. Your nurse is quick with her work as she checks things off on her iPad and checks the machines that keep them informed. As if she’s intruding on an intimate moment, she types her findings faster.

JK. y/n. Still with you. Sorry. Love.

Your hand twitches in his grasp. It’s minuscule, a brief curl of your fingers. The pad of your thumb barely brushes his knuckle and Jungkook’s reeling. It’s only half a second, but Jungkook cries “whoa!” and sits up straight, startling your nurse, “she’s moving!”

Your nurse smiles sadly at the sparkles of hope in his eyes. “It’s only muscle spasms, Jungkook. It happens sometimes,” and she catches herself before Jungkook’s shoulders deflate and sink into the floor, “but see her eyes?”

He blinks, watching as the nurse gestures to your face. She’s right, your eyes are movie, flickering back and forth. Your lids may not be open, but the movement is there.

“She’s either dreaming or really listening to you, Jungkook,” your nurse murmurs fondly, “make sure you keep her entertained, being in a coma is awfully boring.”

Jungkook thanks her, sending a terse smile as she whisks herself away. He squeezes your hand firmly, wishing you would give him another sign. He feels like he’s chasing you now, reaching out to you, talking to you in hopes you’ll reply. It’s ironic, considering this time he’s not sure if you’ll turn around this time, bounce back as you once were.

Wiping the wetness from his eyes, he tucks you in and scoots his chair closer to your bed. “Wake up soon, yeah? We’re waiting for you,” he whispers, holding your hand next to his head as he tries to fall asleep.

Tonight, he’s dreamless.

#jungkook fic #bts fic #goldenclosetnet #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #jungkook scenarios #bts scenarios

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lokidrabbles · 4 years

Text

Hold My Hand (Loki x Reader)

Reader goes through an episode and begins to question their feelings for Loki

A/N: This is another angst ridden oneshot, which originally was intended as this super agonizing break up story, but I was able to end off in a much lighter note. Though I am not terribly ‘proud’ of this one, perhaps some of you can find some comfort in it! As always, Gender Neutral Reader! Warnings: Angst, mentions of depression, potential break up

The realization hit you like a barrage of bricks, and it was absolutely horrifying. The truth had been displayed right in front of you, and while the past year was wonderful and unbelievable, it had to be said. You had an instinct to declare it to yourself, so the tantalizing dream could finally break away.

You couldn’t be with Loki, because you didn’t love him.

Or, at least, you weren’t sure if you did.

A relationship with him was simply idealized in your head like a made up fantasy. You grew extremely close to him, and soon he became the first thing that would pop in your mind each day. It was wonderful to feel that same thrill, that same ecstatic excitement you had missed for so long. For a while, Loki had become your totem, a way to motivate yourself each and every single day. A role model who had overcome such travesty, and would help you push yourself to your fullest potential. He made you feel things you’d never imagine you could feel, both emotionally and physically. The best way you could describe it was an exquisite high, one you wished you would never run out.

It would all diminish as time passed on, and the extreme guilt overwhelmed your once content self. The same familiar cloud began to hung overhead, plaguing you with the worst intention. You had been using him as a way to replenish your long missed happiness. And it was the most selfish thing anyone could possibly do to him. You’d begin to recall the many nights you had selfishly coerced him to stay with you, an effort to avoid your loneliness and satisfy all of your physical needs. He would always comply, and you figured it was because something frothy like this with a human wasn’t as morally compelling for someone who was over a thousand years old.

But it was still using him for such a egoistic reason. And so you began to question whether the feelings you shared for him were based on something genuine, you actually being in love with him as a sole person, or because he paid attention to you, and kept you away from those debilitating memories.

The discourse in your head would soon begin to affect you, and it wouldn’t take long for Loki to begin to realize it.

Your energy around him began to dwindle, and his random pops into your home would almost be unnoticeable. It was as if your feelings or him, or anything relating to him, had completely hardened. The facade became exhausting, and soon your expression would too become hardened.

Loki, as introspective as he was, took a bit to catch onto it. He would fully come to confront you however once he saw you physically tense up at his playful hand over your waist. You had never reacted like this before, and the message was loud and clear. You did not want to be touched by him, it was just to difficult to deal with.

Your usual chipper walks back to your home were now silent and swift. You still felt some obligation to talk to him about what has been plaguing your mind, but even looking at him would cause physical discomfort. You were terrible, and you felt unworthy of even standing next to him.

An evening, one shrouded by a crescent moon and scattered night clouds, would finally provide you with the courage necessary to confront him. You recognized he was able to sense your nervousness, and began the excruciating conversation.

“What have you been hiding from me?” He asked, but you interpreted it as something more of a command.

You felt a lump form at your throat, still avoiding to look at him in the eyes. “I don’t think...we should be together anymore.”

He halted in his steps, as you continued to walk a couple ahead of him. You stopped however, remaining still, waiting for an answer.

“You’ll have to run that by me in a better way.” He said, his voice still firm.

You turned towards him, only looking at the path over his feet. “Just what I said. I don’t want us to be together anymore. I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner.” Your voice was hoarse, holding back the lump still.

The air became heavy, and Loki was still immobile with your words. He then scoffed, and chills ran through all of your body. “Right, of course.”

As if on response, your eyes began to fill up, the burning sensation making it difficult for you to notice. All you could do was nod. Pathetic.

“Could you, at least explain to me why?”

You weren’t really sure why, but a part of you wanted to scream out and tell him to just forget about what you said and go back to how it was. “I don’t want to be with you, that’s why.”

“Look at me, human.” He demanded again.

“Loki, I can’t-”

You felt his touch at your chin, and you flinched again. Loki stepped closer to you, and used his hand to raise up your face to finally look at him. You expected his expression to detail his rage and disappointment towards you. Indeed, you had used him like some fanciful thing to take away your insecurities and solitude. And you knew Loki was not a man who appreciated being toyed with. You braced for the worst, but was met instead with the look of a man who appeared....fearful.

Loki’s gaze darted all over your face, and you could notice the twitching at the corner of his lips. His eyes would too become glassy, shining with the dim moonlight. You had never seen him like this, but still felt disconnected from it all. You were disgusting.

“I’ve felt you pull away from me, from my touch, and I’d imagine I must have upset you in some way. But, this?” He said, a small nervous laugh escaping from his mouth. “I don’t...have I hurt you?”

You were so disgusting. “No. I’m sorry, it’s not that.” Your voice continued to linger, low and unfeeling.

“Tell me.” He said, and you noticed his jaw trembling. “Say what’s on your mind.”

You disconnected from yourself completely, wanting to avoid feeling the pain of your own words. It was better this way after all, and if it mean severing your connection from him, then so be it.

“I don’t...feel love for you. I don’t think I ever did. I’m so sorry for misleading you all this time. It’s just, I don’t think its fair to you.”

His face fell hollow. The shine is his eyes vanished, and he removed his hand from under your chin. It had been done.

“You are indeed, the worst kind of human I have ever encountered.”

You couldn’t breathe, and your body went numb. This was it, and the journey would be long and grueling. He hated you now, despised you.

Through the tormenting reality, you then felt him grip your arm harshly. You yelped, but it was soon cut off by Loki’s palm landing firmly over your forehead. He pushed your head backwards slightly, and you began to feel a warm sensation at it’s nexus. You felt your eyes roll at the back of your head and began to lose touch with your present reality, all too quickly.

Your vision became hazy, and smoky figures began to take form and shape in this new space Loki had throw you in. You began to hear murmurs of people talking, and the images and voices would become more apparent. Your memory would take its full shape, and two distinct figures fell into place in front of you.

It was you and Loki, together. You both were together in your home, sharing a warm drink across your kitchen table, squabbling about something you still couldn’t make out. Your voice would pan out, and the conversation would prick at your ears.

“If you ask me, I think you’re abilities are much more handy to have in combat than whatever Ironman’s fancy suit does.” You heard yourself say.

“If only everyone else shared your magnificent introspection of my combat ability. Alas, I am only restricted to certain things. Of course, I know exactly why, but it’s not very fun.”

“Well, I have a feeling you have a very skewed notion of fun, Mr. Mischief.”

“I think you humans have a very boring perception of fun.”

“But! We are still very charming in other ways, yes?”

You saw him roll his eyes, while swirling the hot drink in his hand. From an onlookers perspective, you saw yourself beam and giggle at his reaction. The smile forming across your face was addicting, and you had seldom seen yourself in such a way. Your hair was a mess, you wore unfitting clothes, and your face was natural and bare. It was a heavy contrast from Loki, who was wearing a well fitted suit, but it was something you did not bother to worry or feel conscious about. You knew how to be happy, that was for sure, but lately it was all amiss. You were happy during this moment however.

“Charming, in the sense that you seem to get an enjoyment out of my distress and suffering? Then yes.” He said, jestingly of course.

“Oh, I’m not that mean to you, am I? I just poke a little humor at you so you don’t feel so awkward with me.”

“I believe we are past that, aren’t we?”

You remembered how you had felt your hear flutter at his words. “What would that mean for you then, Mr. Mischief?“

“Perhaps this courtship has worked its way to my satisfaction. Or perhaps you are just fun, that is all.” He had shrugged casually, knowing he was teasing at you.

You sputtered a laugh. “Courtship? Sheesh. Let’s just call it dating and maybe we can work through that instead.”

“Dating is for children. If you’d like for me to be more bold,” You saw his hand reach over the table to hold at yours. “ This is my way of saying, that I have grown very fond of you.”

“Go on.”

He smirked. “I will admit, I was very apprehensive at first, especially considering the circumstances of our coming about. Also, I have a bad history with humans as it is.”

You saw yourself place your other hand over his, and you recalled gripping it tightly, as a way to demonstrate your own fondness over him. “It’s weird for me, to have you say that. Because I’ve come to known you for the person that you are today, and that’s why I’m always so excited to see you every day.”

“Then we share the same energy. I cannot promise you, however, that things will be...what you would consider ‘normal’. I hope you comprehend there’s a lot of baggage I carry with me still.”

“I guess I’ll have to ask you the same in regards to me.”

“I can tolerate anything you’ll throw at me dear, in that you can have my word. I’ll support you through everything.”

“Can I tell you something, that is completely vulnerable and embarrassing?”

He nodded, and you saw how you had worked up your own courage to reveal something you had long forgotten about.

“I haven’t really felt like this about anyone in such a long time. It’s scary, especially considering you’re an alien to me, but I think I can say I lo-“

“Stop. Stop it. Don’t.”

You had completely forgotten about this too. You had come to discover about Loki’s inward embarrassment for when someone would flat out mention those three little words to him. You recall how his mouth twisted, and how he averted his gaze at you, as if to hide to pinkness in his cheeks.

“Oh my god, you really can’t hear it, can you?” You had asked teasingly.

“Don’t push it. We were having such as great conversation, and then you-”

“Oh, Loki I love you sooooo much!” You exclaimed, with your own mischievous smile.

He got up from his seat in a huff, walking away into your living room while murmuring something along the lines of how much he hated you and how it was all a mistake. You skipped behind him, still saying those words in a sing song manner. You heard him raise his voice at you, but it all became muddled once more. The fixed image began to smoke and haze out, now left with puddles of memories. It began to roll off, leaving a single pinpoint of light and you felt your body transported back to the present. Your eyes rolled back into place, and you gasped heavily.

You pushed Loki off of you, causing you to stumble backwards. You attempted to catch your breath, as you began to process what exactly had happened. “What did you do to me?” You asked in between huffs. “What did you do!”

“What’s the matter?” he asked, looming over you. “Surely you’d remember something like that, or perhaps it was too painful?”

“Don’t you ever do that to me again!” You exclaimed, stepping away from him. “How fucking dare you get in my head like that!”

“No, how dare you just toss something like that to the side?” He snarled at you, but you stood your ground. “You really expect me to believe something like that?”

A rush of adrenaline hit you, furious at how he had entered your subconsciousness, and furious at how he wanted to manipulate the situation. You clenched your teeth, allowing him to release everything onto you, despite it all.

“I’ve simply demonstrated to you exactly what your mind is experiencing. Not wanting to be with me? Very unlikely.” He continued, now completely towering over your.

You couldn’t comprehend the level of arrogance he was showing. “You don’t know what you’re saying. I can’t believe how pretentious you are being about this!” You said.

“You’re acting as if you never knew this about me. However, I did hear something else in your mind.”

“You don’t know anything.”

“I do know you, stupid human. You’ve been calling yourself those poisonous words again. They continue to echo inside your mind, and you didn’t bother to discuss it with me. Why?”

The distance between the both of you was smaller now, but Loki hadn’t made a move to lay a finger on you. You expected him to reach out to you, encircling his arms around you, and shushing you, telling you everything would be okay. But you had been pushing away during this whole time know, and perhaps this had been his way to respect your space. You desperately sent out a solemn thought to him, to disregard all of the foolish things you have done and to simply embrace you tightly.

“I don’t know.” You felt the tears stream down your face, as you began to tug at your hair. “I’m so sorry, please it’s not you.“

You toppled downwards on your knees, and unleashed the wave of unrelenting depression and anger. Your wails were horrendous, and they echoed all over the block. You never wanted something like this to happen, and you never wanted to hurt him in such a way.

Shortly, you felt the same familiar warmness across your shoulders and back, feeling Loki’s breath at the top of your head. Your body continued to shake violently, still adjusting to the sudden release of sentiment, but experiencing a huge sense of relief, as if a boulder had been lifted from your back.

“I’m sorry I invaded your mind like that.” He whispered to you. “But I wanted to show you that memory I hold closer and dear to me. I still feel the same, and I hope you still do as well.”

Your mind traveled back to that moment in time, now possibly forever crystallized in your head. Both you and Loki, holding each other’s hands, allowing each other to be as vulnerable as possible, while still providing each other with the utmost security and confidence, as much as any two individuals could.

“Do you still wish to end this?” He asked sternly.

You shook your head, burying your face deep into his shoulder. “No, but, I don’t feel like I should just accept it like this. I fucked up so much, I hurt you-”

“You did not hurt me.” He cut in. “I’m not a child you know. You saw me clearly telling you before, did you not? I will be with you, even at your lowest of moments.”

“I’m so sorry, I do still love you.” You said with a muffled voice.

He let out a low chuckle. “I’ll still recoil upon hearing those words. I do apologize for that, but you have nothing to apologize for. You are the most important and precious thing in the universe to me. So please, promise me that you won’t go through your anguish on your own anymore. For me?”

It had been something you were longing for throughout that night, his own special way of unraveling the mess that you concocted inside yourself. It was that utmost attention to detail which continued to draw yourself to him. He had used this piece of time, this memory which you both shared, not to manipulate or coax you into something else, but you simply remind you. You saw yourself, happy in the presence of this man, and you saw him re-experiencing the same long lost feeling.

#loki #loki angst #loki x reader #loki x y/n #loki x you #loki fanfic #loki fanfiction #loki drabble #loki drabbles #loki (mcu)#loki laufeyson

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brandstifter-sys · 4 years

Text

Projections

Word Count: 2530

Characters: Patton, Deceit, Remus, Virgil

Rating: M (not smut)

Warnings: Suicide Attempt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sutures, Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Patton is fed up with himself because of how strangers online see him. It takes three unlikely sides to save him and help him work through things.

The following is not an attempt to critique the fandom in any way. This is a vent fic and I was working through my own shit via Patton. I hesitated to post this for a long time out of fear that it would blow up in my face.

Patton stood in the bathroom under the artificial light. The only part of his room that was free from clutter and the one place he could see himself as he truly was, the bathroom was the only place he could go where the memories couldn't reach him—except the ones at the top of his head.

Manipulative…

Strict…

Overbearing…

Abusive…

Tears streamed down his flushed cheeks as he thought about the recent surge of hate. He stared at the flushed yet pallid face in the mirror and shuddered as bile crept up his throat. He couldn't bring himself to fight the voices in his head, screaming at him.

Did he split Creativity all those years ago? Was it his fault that Roman was insecure and that Remus was unhinged? He couldn't tell, they were all just toddlers. Even so, he knew he was to blame for the divide in the mindscape. No matter how hard he tried to lessen the impact, tried to see value in the gothic sides, tried to make amends slowly but surely, no matter what he was still to blame.

Strict…

Overbearing...

He had been strict recently, he found that out the fun way. But at least it was Logan who said it, not the other side who knew early on. He wanted Thomas to be a good person and a good friend. He wanted to be there to guide Thomas, but he was so confused! Right and wrong shifted and he lost his footing. He should have said something, but no he buckled down and tried to force the morals he knew back into place. He hurt everyone with that decision, especially Thomas. He failed at his job.

Manipulative…

He leaned over the sink, tightening his grip around the handle. Maybe this next step was just a new way to weasel some pity out of the others, a threat for attention. He overstepped his bounds in terms of influence and with his family. How did Roman forgive him for the guilt trips? Why would he? Because of morals. He manipulated everyone by existing.

Abusive…

Was he abusive? The theories and stories he read painted him as a monster. Was his own perception skewed so badly that he pretended to be a good guy while being the real villain?

"Patton, you messed up everything!" he growled at his reflection, "You fucked up so bad! It's time for Thomas to have a new, better morality!" He dried his eyes and pressed the blade to his wrist, pressing until red oozed from the wound. The joyful catharsis that filled him only grew stronger as he opened his arm. It was time.

"Patton!" two familiar voices yelped. In an instant he was being held to one side's chest while the other took his box cutter. He squirmed in the tight grasp and fought with all his might.

"Remus hold him still!" Deceit ordered as he conjured a suture kit.

"This is going to hurt. Bear with me." Deceit said flatly to Patton as he tied a tourniquet around his upper arm to stop the bleeding. Patton's eyes widened and he squirmed in Remus' grasp. They were not going to take this away from him! It was the only service he could provide for the mindscape and he would see it through!

"Hey!" Remus hissed when he was kicked in the shin. He shared a look with Deceit as if asking a question. Deceit nodded as he cleaned away the blood.

"Hey Pattycake you should skip the Crofter's in your next batch of cupcakes—ocular fluid would do a better job."

"There won't be a next batch!" Patton wailed, "Let go!"

"No? I was gonna offer you my eyes too!" Remus giggled. Deceit internally groaned at the duke's attempts and lifted a free hand while he threaded the needle.

"Why the hell are you—?" Virgil grumbled low and peeked inside the bathroom door.

"PATTON!?" he shrieked upon seeing the fatherly side with blood oozing from his arm, clearly miserable—and not because Deceit was holding his arm still or because Remus had him pinned to his chest.

"Virgil, thank you for your prompt arrival." Deceit hissed, "Be a dear and paralyze Morality with fear, he has to stop moving." Virgil swallowed thickly, and nodded. He was scared enough that only the slightest touch could freeze Patton in his tracks.

He slunk in next to Deceit and pressed his trembling hand to Patton's throat, letting it become enveloped in black smoke. For a second, Patton hoped Virgil would choke him to death to finish the job. He was wrong. His muscles tightened and his breathing became shallow.

"Oh dear," Deceit tsked, "I have to use quite a bit of grafting material. This could take some time. It will be as pleasant as Remus' fingers."

Remus shoved a surprisingly clean hand in his mouth and growled, "Bite." Patton did, and it was unpleasant.

"It's gonna be okay, Patt." Virgil breathed with tears welling in his eyes. Patton doubted that as the needle went through his vein. He screamed and bit down hard on Remus' hand. Virgil cringed at the muffled sound. Deceit blocked it out and continued his work, using all six hands to make sure everything was perfect.

"Did you do this to yourself, Patt?" Virgil asked, lip trembling. Patton's eyes watered and he averted his gaze. The sorrow and confusion were agony. He didn't deserve pity.

"Yeah, with the sharp knife on the ground." Remus answered for him as he screamed.

"Why?"

"He believes he is only causing harm." Deceit grunted and carefully moved as swiftly as possible, "Unfortunately that is a lie and I was summoned."

"And I showed up because he was having some fun ideas. And then I realized that they weren't just passing fancy and I got scared." Remus frowned.

"So why didn't I get summoned when you were scared?"

"I'm always scared! Have you heard the shit that comes out of my mouth?" Remus giggled awkwardly as a muffled "language" escaped Patton between screams.

"Is there a way to numb him or knock him out?" Remus grunted when Patton's teeth broke through his skin.

"I can," Virgil said, "But we need to lay him down."

"Do it." Deceit ordered "And keep him down. Remus we're going to the lab, don't think about holding him like a baby when he's out cold." Patton shrieked and argued, his vision blurred with tears. Virgil moved his hand to the back of his neck...

And everything went black.

Patton blinked and glanced around the room. He was in the common area, but not his usual commons. The walls were too dark and the air was too cold. He could smell something tomatoey and delicious cooking in the next room, but his stomach was not interested.

He tried to sit up, but he yelped and fell back against the couch. He lifted his arm and stared at the dark stitches running along the underside—that nightmare was real. He was so close! He couldn't even die right!

"Morality!" Deceit gasped and hurried into the room. He was surprisingly without his hat and gloves. In fact he was dressed in black sweats and a yellow hoodie, not at all his usual attire.

"Deceit?" Patton groaned as he tried to sit up again, his head spinning. Deceit hurried over and gently pushed him back.

"No, stay right where you are. You lost a lot of blood and you need to rest." he said and sat on the edge of the seat, studying his face.

"Why?" Patton breathed as two more sides entered the room without saying a word.

"Why did we save you?" Remus asked and shrugged, "Because we need you, Daddy—oh! Daddio!" He rubbed his shoulder where Virgil punched him and pouted.

"But Thomas could make a new, better Morality. A Morality who wasn't the scum of the Earth."

"Pat, what are you talking about?" Virgil questioned and sat next to him on the ground.

"I'm bad. I caused a huge rift in the mindscape, I manipulate the people around me, I'm abusive and strict, and I—"

"Abusive?" Remus questioned, "Since when?"

"Since I caused you and Roman to split. Since I valued one twin over the other."

"You did nothing of the sort. You couldn't have, if you could, Anxiety would be Fear and Vigilance, separately. I would be Self-Care and Deception, in the same way." Deceit scoffed, "Sides split themselves based on Thomas' development."

"I'm the demonstration. Roman is the inspiration. He might not remember what the King planned but I do." Remus explained with a regal air the Patton never expected from him.

"Too bad he was a kid with no foresight with no way of knowing that we'd be so different. He had no idea I would be plagued with intrusive thoughts, violent urges, and a nearly manic state of being that could cause the entire mindscape to implode, splattering side guts against collapsing walls." Remus continued, losing that dignified aura. Patton winced at the implications.

"Hey, Douche, zip it. Literally." Virgil hissed and shifted to his knees to run his fingers through Patton's hair, just enough to ease his tension.

"Patton, you aren't the only one who caused the rift. That was all Thomas as he was growing and learning. You're as much a product of that time as we are." Deceit sighed.

"Besides you weren't the only one forcing the divide, Deceit and I are just as guilty." Virgil added.

"What gave you the idea it was all your fault? Who told you that you were abusive and manipulative?" Remus asked. Virgil shot him a look and Remus zippered his mouth shut, with a cartoonish zipper.

"Well, I kept seeing all these theories and stories and—" Patton began.

"They're absolutely right, a character who they're projecting onto without all the information has to be exactly as they invision." Deceit droned sarcastically, cutting him off.

"You can't please everyone, you have to focus on the people who matter most." Virgil said, "And those things that a bunch of strangers say aren't necessarily the truth. Take it from us."

"But those things have to come from somewhere!" Patton sobbed, "And what if they're right?"

"You can choose to believe me if you want," Deceit sighed, "You are not the exaggerated character in most stories—abusive, or stupid, or naive, or without bias. None of us are merely common tropes, despite the way the series is scripted. Sometimes people need a character to use as a stand-in." He averted his gaze an inhaled slowly.

"Deceit?" Patton whimpered. And that's when Remus unzipped his mouth.

"They made him abusive, murderous, conniving, the scum of the earth, a victim of abuse, suicidal, a soft little baby, a skeezy flirt, and the villain only I could come up with, all after appearing one time!" Remus cheered. Deceit and Virgil glared at him but that didn't stop him.

"They like to make me an obsessive, out-of-control, homicidal maniac who wants Roman to suffer—I mean that's not entirely inaccurate, I have my moments with Princey and I can get pretty manic, but they don't know me! Some of them make me a deranged puppy, suffering from horrible thoughts and isolation. And don't get me started on the shit they put Virgil through!"

"No! Not you too Virge!" Patton cried. Virgil zipped Remus' mouth shut again and sighed.

"Pops, you know I'm not a soft little innocent baby. You know how I'm mean and judgemental and I make threats. There's fics and theories about me being abusive too and fics that make me out to be a shy timid softie. Fics that make me the villain to make these two look better. But you don't believe those, or anything about the rest of us that you haven't learned first hand." Virgil replied.

"Yeah, you have a point there," Patton pouted, "but I can't come up with an outsider perspective for myself."

"You rely too much on how others perceive you." Deceit hummed, "In both positive and negative lights. Take it from any of us, falling for the diverse opinions of strangers is harmful."

"Especially when they're so varied." Virgil added.

"mphhhhh hmmm mmmm mmmph!" Remus grumbled enthusiastically. Then paused to banish the zipper.

"We all get shit, but only the finest compost is allowed in." he chuckled, "Think you can sort out the critique to let your garden bloom?"

"That was incredibly well thought out and positive." Patton commented all too soon.

"And then you'll have your choice of poisonous plants to play with and make the people in your way suffer an agonizing death!"

"There it is." Virgil grunted.

"Well at least the first part was uplifting." Patton pouted.

"Indeed. And if you find it hard to sort out the truth from the projections, my door is open." Deceit said, offering a half smile, "I know how hard it is to let them have their catharsis and keep a sense of self."

"For better or worse you have the three of us." Remus smiled, "The sly, the mad, and the stinky!"

"Pops, you have a whole lot more family than you think." Virgil added, and stood up,

"But right now I gotta go, teach Remus how to be you."

"Why Remus?" Patton questioned.

"Deceit is busy." Remus shrugged, "Byeeee!!" Then he and Virgil sank out. Patton was confused but oddly comforted. Deceit was watching him with concern and a certain fondness.

"After all I did to you, why did you come running?" Patton questioned and tried to sit up, "Why not get Roman and Logan?"

"Neither of them are quite equipped to handle that situation, not when Roman would blame himself and doubt his capability as a prince, and certainly not Logan, who's been bottling his feelings for far too long, seeing you like that would break him."

"But what about you and the other two?"

"Fight-or-flight is an instinctual protection, I am self-preservation, and Remus is a far more hands-on creativity, thinking on the fly and worming his way out of danger as quickly as he finds it," Deceit answered, "We shadowlings are here to protect Thomas, all of him, as prevention and damage control. We care about all of him, even if we don't see eye to eye."

"But Princey and Lo care about him."

"Despite his insistence on being a heroic knight, Roman is not a form of protection. Logic can provide some insight, but overall he is a guide, the three of you are."

"You have it all figured out." Patton pouted. Deceit shook his head and returned that pout in earnest.

"I don't." he sighed, "I'm not going to pretend that I do, unlike a certain educator. But I do know one thing for certain."

"What's that?"

"Thomas needs all of us, especially his emotions and morals. He needs you, Patton, no matter what anyone says."

"How do I know you aren't lying?"

"Actions speak louder than words. Who was it who stitched you up and made pasta for you?"

"You made pasta?"

"With your secret ingredient." Deceit chuckled.

"Cumin." Patton said with a knowing grin.

"Yes." Deceit responded, flashing a snakey fang.

#sanders sides #patton sanders #remus sanders #janus sanders #virgil sanders #suicide tw #suicide attempt tw #blood tw #gore tw #self-hatred tw #patton angst #angst tw #hurt/comfort #sandyscribed

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thismightbewynn · 5 years

Text

Wahoo, saw some of @deniigi‘s lightening prompts and the little impulse gremlin in my head yanked my chain and here we are, let’s go wahoo!!! I did go a little hamwild with it though so big oopsies there but also I regret nothing and so I will not apologize! Very long though, so I’mma slam dunk some of this under a read more.

“Foggy,” he nudged lightly. “Foggy. Foggy, Foggy.”

The accused raised his brow.

“What?”

“Take it back, Foggy.”

And back down the brow goes. Up went the corners of his lip.

“Naahhh.”

This guy. Ugh.

“You’re disgracing me, Foggy,” he said, without even a little bit of pouting. Not even draping himself over a door frame or anything. Certainly no theatrics. “Slandering my name.”

“Denial is just the beginning, Mattias Murdock,” Foggy said into his cup, as if covering his smile would work on a blind man’s perception.

“My name is not Mattias.” A pause. “And I’m not old. Take it back.”

“Okay, Matteo. I believe you.”

That wasn’t taking it back. That was active disbelief and dismissal. These were things he could not have; not on his dignity, and certainly not on what little was left of his life.

He had little life left to live, not because he was old, but because he was going to die young, burning out fast and dancing forever. Probably in the river somewhere, actually, but his poor life choices weren’t the issue here. The issue here was Foggy’s refusal to withdraw his poor opinions, despite the stellar counterpoints Matt had beautifully presented just now.

It’s whatever, though. It’s fine. If his word wasn’t enough for this argument, then he’ll just find someone else to support him. It can’t be any harder than finding a witness for court.

Spidey was doing a wonderful job. Great work, really. He didn’t know what was going on, since he came with zero context and bags of ulterior motive, but it sounded like general crime fighting with a hint of reptile. It also sounded like he was just wrapping up.

He did something that was probably a salute. He couldn’t keep track, nowadays. Spidey was constantly trying out different salutes from a list he’d compiled from all four corners of the world wide web. He was on a quest to find the ones best suited to make him look cool and respectable, he explained when Daredevil asked what all the hand waving was about. He tried out a different one every week because he was weighing the public’s reactions to them.

The public was confused but charmed by it. Matt, being part of the public by day, was not immune to this effect. Apparently nobody was.

“I love you, officer.”

He pumped his chest twice and did the salute of the week again.

“I… sure, you too.”

The officer awkwardly imitated him. Spidey’s heart beamed with joy.

“Well, I gotta go now. Take care, ¡adios!” He saluted again before he left. The officer’s responding heartbeat indicated surprise. Spidey had likely literally disappeared again.

“Why are you here?” he whispered, without really whispering at all. He was awful at it, despite attempts to teach him otherwise. He’d get the hang of it sooner or later, regardless.

“Just conducting a private survey,” he said, turning around, cane rhythmically tapping against the sidewalk.

“If this is about your costume, you look like if Shadow was designed to imitate Knuckles instead of Sonic.”

Matt had no idea what any of those words meant in that order. He made no plans to understand or pretend to understand. There were more important things at hand.

“Spider-Man,” he started. “What was your first impression of me?”

“Honestly? Cool but scary. I thought you were gonna accuse me of murder and I’d be, like, yessir that sounds about right.”

“And now?”

“Uh, can I say something first?”

“Go ahead.”

He paused in thought, carefully chewing on the offered silence that was to fuel his thought process. That was good. Thoughtfulness and honesty was important for testimonies. They were also important in general, but right now, he was looking for a testimony, so whatever.

Spidey’s heart beat steadily.

“I know it’s easier said than done, but you shouldn’t care too much about what other people think. I mean, obviously it’s important, but I think being able to back yourself up is just as important. Like, it’s great if other people believe in you, but you gotta do it too. Self esteem, you know?”

Aww.

Useless for what he came for, but.

Aww.

“That’s great,” he said. “But not what I’m looking for.”

Spidey sighed something tired.

“Well?” Matt pushed.

“Honestly, you’re a grumpy old man.”

That was worse than useless. That was actively detrimental to his case.

“Wish you weren’t grumpy, though, but maybe old people are just like that.”

Said the kid who put way too much research into salutes. And also, he’s not old. Goodbye.

“The fuck are you asking me for?”

The younger the individual, the more valuable their opinion to how old he wasn’t. If he asked someone older than him, of course they wouldn’t call him old out of bias. If he asked someone of the same age, he would sacrifice what little was left of his dignity between them. It had to be one of the wee ones.

“I’m conducting a private survey.”

Wade squinted. Matt pretended not to notice.

“I’m not asking you. I’m asking Eleanor.”

“You know everyone’s old to her, right?”

What--

How did he--

Whatever, it’s not important. His opinion doesn’t matter right now, he’s not a wee one.

“Knock yourself out, dude.”

Eleanor Camacho had too much brutal honesty in her. It was borderline rude. His heart was bruised and she didn’t even give a shit. She had an elaborate, extravagant torture system thinly disguised as a training regimen for her small brigand of action figures. Little did they know, they were not saviors, but puppets meant to wreak havoc for their small, merciless god. Anything or anyone who interrupted her was the scum of the earth, and was treated as such.

Of course her opinion was skewed. She was upset. People generally don’t say the nicest of truths when they’re upset.

This wasn’t working. He needed to find someone in a good mood.

MILES: hey, did i say something wrong??

MILES: whatever it is i’m sorry

MILES: nevermind, foggy just told me you’re having an aging crisis

MILES: good to know you’re okay though!!

MATT: I am not having an aging crisis and Foggy is a liar. And yes I am perfectly okay thank you for noticing.

MILES: don’t worry dude, you’ll get over it!

MATT: Miles I just said I’m okay.

MILES: i freak out every birthday because growing means more responsibilities, but that’s a crisis that just runs out after i have some cake

MILES: and like, you’re done growing, so that’s it! these are all the responsibilities you have and you already know how to handle them. so i guess my advice is to get some cake

MILES: or something that is not cake, i don’t know what your tastebuds like. maybe you like to eat raw fish i don’t know

MATT: Miles, I appreciate what you are saying, but that is not the problem and you are not helping.

MILES: what’s the problem then?

MILES: is it because foggy said you’re old? because i’m sorry but he’s right

MILES: actually i’m not apologizing for telling the truth. you’re old, man

MATT: I’m going to block you.

MILES: you always say that but you never do it and honestly i don’t think you know how

MILES: you know why that is? it’s because you’re old and that means you’re technologyphobic

MILES: don’t worry, peter is old too but he’s not technologyphobic because he’s a nerd. you can ask him how to block me, i won’t mind! i just hope you can figure out how to unblock me on your own lol

MILES: i won’t judge if you have to ask peter how to unblock me too, you old people gotta stick together

MILES: no response? gone to ask peter how to use the youth gadgets your old man brain cannot comprehend i see

MATT: Miles is becoming too bold for his own good.

PETER: did he call you old? That’s okay he calls me old too, it’s like the opposite of making fun of how young he is.

PETER: also i heard about your aging crisis from him and honestly? Good luck dude

That was a private survey. It was supposed to be private. He remembered saying it was a private survey.

PETER: may says that you can defeat feeling old by acknowledging that time passes and figuring out why being old feels like a personal attack to your emotional security

This was the worst. This was exactly why that survey was private. He made a silent pact to himself not to ask Miles anything ever again.

MATT: I see where Miles gets his bad influence from.

PETER: don’t blame me when miles gets all his advice from may

PETER: he says mine is faulty and full of holes which i guess is fair but like ouch you know?

MATT: No, I don’t.

MATT: Also, while I have you here, what was your first impression of me?

PETER: i’m not participating in this bye feel better soon

MATT: Peter answer the question

MATT: Peter hey

MATT: PETER

He was mourning the ongoing death of his youth and vitality.

“Are… Are you okay?”

SAM. SAMUEL. DEAREST SAMUEL BLINDSPOT CHUNG. FINALLY, A YOUTH HE CAN TRUST.

He immediately abandoned his mourning activities.

“Sam,” he said, with much urgency, leaning his weight against his palms on the desk. Sam’s spine straightened to attention.

“Yeah?”

“What was your first impression of me?”

“Uh. I don’t know, mostly just scared shitless? But also really, really excited.” A pause. “And then mostly respect after that.”

Good, good. No mention of old age.

“And now?” he continued eagerly.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhh.” Sam creeped backwards. “Uhhhhhhh. You know what? I’m just gonna. Go. Think about my answer. And then come back later when I have it.”

NO. SAM. COME BACK. UGH.

Matt sunk in his chair again, stuffing his face into his desk to hide his misery from the world.

Foggy came in. Sam did a little dance with his head bouncing around behind Foggy’s back, trying to discreetly figure out what was going on. He was failing at both.

The root of the problem leaned on the doorframe. The man who watered that root was covering his smile with a mug, like it actually hid anything.

“You okay, buddy?”

“Fuck,” Matt bemoaned to the wood. “I’m old.”

"That's what this is about?" Sam muttered to himself in the background.

“If it makes you feel any better, so am I.”

It didn’t, but it would if Foggy knew how to block people.

Thanks for reading <333

Also, clarification: old age is mattphobic on account of the fact that having crunchy bones makes it hard to break other people’s not-crunchy bones. Dementia? Ain’t ever heard of her, that a new baddie or something?

Also also, I think Matty here has communication skills but like, he’s not good at using them when he’s being fueled by spite and selfish deeds or whatever lmao.

Anyways, have a good one !! (This is also on the ao3 btw, if you wanna go check that out for whatever reason)

lol (lots of love)!!!!

#wynn posts #wynn writes #fic stuffs #daredevil #matt murdock #i'mma start screaming #writing htis fic made me realize i know very little about the youngin's matt hangs around with #if he hangs out with any youngin's at all. does he?? does he really???#maybe matt has a natural anti-child repellent exuding from his pores

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bunnieresources · 5 years

Text

marina’s “love + fear” sentence starters pt. 2.

believe in love.

“ you say i’m different to the girls / guys / people you dated. “

“ you say that i’m the one you’ve waited for. “

“ guess i need to trust you when you say you love me. “

“ my mood, it changes all the time. “

“ i smile with tears in my eyes. “

“ but i can’t be acting like this. “

“ i can’t be doubting you for the rest of my life. “

“ i need to believe in love. “

“ why is what you give never enough? “

“ losing you is what i’m afraid of. “

“ i don’t trust my head. “

“ i don’t trust my damn mind. “

“ i don’t wanna look back when i’m older on what didn’t happen. “

“ i swear i’ll be better. “

“ i shouldn’t take fear so seriously. “

life is strange.

“ my dreams have changed. “

“ i’m crashing down like a paper plane. “

“ we all cry the same tears at night. “

“ nothing ever stays the same. “

“ all i know is life is strange. “

“ i don’t know what i’m doing with my life. “

“ maybe there’s no wrong or right. “

“ everybody feels the same. “

“ we’re in the future, living fast. “

“ can never make a moment. “

“ is it ever gonna be enough to love another and be loved? “

you.

“ you don’t know me like you think you do. “

“ you don’t own me. “

“ i can’t cut you loose. “

“ everybody thinks you’re a star. “

“ underneath, i see just what you are. “

“ we both know that we can never change. “

“ you break me down. “

“ you shut me out. “

“ it’s all about you. “

“ you don’t love me like you think you do. “

“ you don’t know i’m just as bad as you. “

“ deep down, i know we’re the same. “

karma.

“ i know you inside and out. “

“ you’re losing your temper. “

“ do you think they won’t remember? “

“ you’re only sorry when you’re coming down. “

“ real hearts don’t lie. “

“ take it from me, i know. “

“ you’ll see in time. “

“ it’s funny how it all goes down. “

“ oh my god, i think it’s karma. “

“ ain’t it funny how it all adds up when you’re trying to push your luck? “

“ you carried on and on. “

“ so vicious, this cycle, when you live in denial. “

“ when your world comes crashing down, i won’t save you. “

“ all the money in this town won’t save you. “

emotional machine.

“ it’s hard to see that you wanna be free. “

“ i don’t love you in the way you want me to. “

“ i’m a machine. “

“ i’m an emotional being. “

“ it’s no excuse to treat me like you do. “

“ my perception is skewed. “

“ did you ever truly love me? “

“ were you just too scared to be free? “

“ nobody believes. “

“ should i pretend you didn’t exist? “

“ if you wanna survive, ignorance is bliss. “

too afraid.

“ i want to change but i don’t know how. “

“ i’ve been trying to turn my life around. “

“ nothing thrills me in this city anymore. “

“ i guess i didn’t know if i was happy. “

“ i can’t pretend. “

“ i’ve been feeling like i don’t belong. “

“ i’ve reached an end. “

“ well, what can i do? “

“ i hate this city, but i stay because of you. “

“ why can’t i change? “

“ i wanna move on, but i’m just too afraid. “

“ this isn’t living. “

“ god, i need to get out. “

“ it could be different. “

“ change your future in an instant just to feel alive. “

no more suckers.

“ i was too open. “

“ i was too quick. “

“ you’re not getting any nearer. “

“ can i make it any clearer? “

“ why can’t you help yourself? “

“ i’m just trying to draw the line. “

“ no more suckers in my life. “

“ every time i meet you, i know what to expect. “

soft to be strong.

“ i know it’s hard to be soft. “

“ i know it hurts to be kind. “

“ i know that when love is lost, it’s only fear in disguise. “

“ i guess i’ve known it all along. “

“ the truth is: you have to be soft to be strong. “

“ finally, the fear is gone. “

“ i found out love has to be soft to be strong. “

“ i believe the world is beautiful. “

“ only the weak ones are cruel. “

“ i choose to love you without fear. “

“ there’s no shame in being sincere. “

“ i made myself believe that other people wanted to hurt me. “

“ i took my bitterness and made it sweet. “

“ i took a broken heart and made it beat. “

“ somebody hurt me long ago. “

“ there is no use in laying blame. “

#mine.#rp memes #ask memes #inbox memes #rp prompts #ask prompts #inbox prompts #sentence starters

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ruwithmeguys · 5 years

Note

Hey it’s the twitter user who just asked for S1&2 arrow reviews. So I just finished rewatching S1 and I’ve been curious about why Oliver went back to Laurel even though he didn’t love her. Did Laurel really understand Oliver? Because I’ve always thought Felicity was the one who understood him

Hithere! WELCOME TO THE REST OF YOUR EXISTENCE.

No,seriously; good luck ever leaving this ship! (Join us, we have all the OTP cookies - hah, I never even used to know what OTP meant)

I’msure there are other people who can answer this better, who won’t do it at workwhen I’m supposed to be, you know, WORKING (I am not a role model). But I wanted to give you a response pronto!

Here we go: Oliver… Laurel… Tommy.

Here’s the thing. There areall kinds of love. Oliver, laurel and Tommy were friends first before any ofthem slept together. The love Oliver had for LL was predicated upon thatfoundation of friendship. They’d been attracted to each other so they decidedto do the natural thing: date.

Now, just because two friendsare attracted to each other, doesn’t make the relationship this amazingshowcase of love or the perfect ship or the forever one and only. Chandler andMonica they aren’t.

They weren’t even Ross andRachel, not even close. And Ross had sex with another women four hours after their ‘break’. What aguy.

Did we see even THIS level of intensity from either side? Nu uh. And I tell you,if I start a show like Arrow and I’m supposed to be sold on their romance because where there’s a hero, there’s always a romance, then I want at LEAST angst.

What I believe - and have beengiven proof from Stephen and from others - is that when Ollie - which wasexactly who he was before the Gambit sank - was with LL, she brought out thegood stuff. But the goodness inside him was coated by his greed, vanity andselfishness. He was a dick who LL thought that simply by being with her, would not be a dick…

Wishful thinking to the tenthdegree.

She was head over heels and deluded by it (that gif is really creepy - he was sleeping with them both there. Laurel was oblivious. Sara was besotted. Three people and not one understood the other).

But Oliver has felt attractionbefore for many other women and continued to not only feel said attraction, butto act on it; she was just one in the herd. Oblivious to the other sheep. From my count, Oliver slept with Sara, Samantha, Max Fuller’s fiance and, two women he went on a joy ride with whilst dating Laurel. Possibly more. Thedifference being that he and laurel held a history of friendship and care together -that he should have given a shit about - so it deepened the relationship fromsex buddies to boyfriend/girlfriend.

But he still cheated on herbecause it wasn’t this special thing that she thought it was. And he was withoutmuch of an ethics base or conscience back then. I’m pretty sure Oliver knew howmuch of an ass he was; in fact I think he thought he was a worthless pretty boywith mountains of cash, which he used to get his way. Deep down, Oliver was,is, a very good person. But ego, money and pleasure soaked up his view and hemade the worst decisions. Just because he started dating one of his closestfriends, didn’t mean he was going to stop partying and cheating and being said ass.

The fact that LL saw this as agiven is one of her many displays of wilful tunnel vision. She was the star ofher own story and the star doesn’t get treated that way. She was at the top ofOllie’s and Tommy’s and daddy’s and mommy’s priority list: she was a betterdaughter than Sara, Ollie would never chase skirts behind her back - they weregoing to get married and be rich socialites together after all as her originalendgame (S3) was to become a wealthy DA who’s clients were the rich criminalsOliver faces in S1 - Tommy would always be there, and daddy would always beproud.

She had a skewed perception asmany people often do when they’re young, inexperienced, ridiculous and lofty.

She’s allowed to be this way. Oliver was allowed to be a disaster boyfriend.

Your first love is rarely yourlast.

But LL didn’t just see Ollieas her first love: she saw him as her last.

Ollie couldn’t look that farinto the future, as evidenced by how he treated his education, by how hetreated women, by how he played around with Sara, by how he tried hard to bethis constant failure.

So when LL started pushing forfurther commitment - for living together like their other friends and being an‘us’ - Oliver made a run for it and grabbed some TNT along the way. Nothingbreaks up a relationship quite like sleeping with the sibling of yourboy/girlfriend. This way, he could be in a far off land when LL realised hersister wasn’t at college, when one of her friends blab about her, because Sarasaid it herself on the Gambit: she was going to be in so much trouble, whichOliver was counting on.

He wouldn’t have to do any ofthe work.

A real shining example ofboyfriend of the year.

But then the Queen’s Gambitexplodes, Ollie looses Sara and hisfather whilst bobbing around for days at sea and by the time he reaches LianYu… Ollie’s not really there anymore; he’s already altered.

The good in him, the strengthhe didn’t know he had comes out, alongside a heavy coating of self-loathing,violent tendencies and a consideration of turpitude.

There’s a scene that perfectlyencapsulates how Oliver feels for LL in those S1 flashbacks: he’s in the cavewith Shao Fei and he’s staring at her picture. He looks so sad and so guiltyand he says ‘I’m so sorry LL’.

He’s not sorry because heloves and misses her. He’s sorry because he fucked up.

And Oliver had no idea what hehad until he lost it, but it’s made all the worse because he feels like Saradied because of his selfishness. Without that guilt I’m not entirely certainhe’d have been so obsessed with the idea of making it up to her, but yes; ahuge part of wanting to return home was about fixing what he broke. Making upfor his mistakes. Gaining a reprieve from years of suffering.

He’s dangerously close tokilling himself in that first year: sometimes believing you’re at the root ofall evil can help you prioritise. He needed to live to make it up to LL.

He needed to survive.

It’s a defence mechanism. Helatched onto those feelings to keep going. THAT and he isn’t scum: he wanted tobe better. He denied the hope inside him but it was still there, waiting for the right time.

The right person.

Notice he never once tells LLor says to anyone after his return, that he wants to be with her. He’s only ever said that to one woman on the show.Word for word. Not an insinuation: a flat out factoid.

The very few things Oliversays in regards to LL and their former relationship after his return in S1, isthat a) thinking about her helped him survive in that first year, b) that hecouldn’t say he didn’t love her, c) he was genuinely happy that she and Tommywere together, d) he would never ever reveal to her who and what he really iswhich means he’d always be lying to her and finally e) that he was sorry andthat it would never be enough.

Romantic stuff it is not.

Even with that crappy list,there are more holes.

A) He admits in the S4 and S5 flashbacks that,since he was so changed, he knew the person who he’d become could never returnto LL because he wasn’t the same guy. He said that he kept her picture as areminder of everything he’d done.

Her picture was a source ofshame: his self-inflicted punishment. She would always remind him of hisselfishness. ROMANTIC RIGHT?

B) Saying that you can’t say you don’t lovesomeone isn’t telling them you do love them. It’s useless after the fact.When Oliver realised he was in love with Felicity he declared it several timesto her even though he thought he couldn’t be with her! The one time Oliver tells LL that he loves her is after her death, in ahallucination in 5.08 where he’s very literally apologising for lying to herand for not being the man she loved. He tells her that they could never have been, because who she loved died and he wasn’t that man.

He couldn’t love her the wayshe’d clearly loved him. He was finally given the chance to gainclosure by telling her ghost what he should have told the woman before shedied. She’d deserved to hear the truth years ago. Case in point, on herdeathbed he could only stare at her when she told him that he’d always be thelove of her life. Loving someone? It is FAR different to being the love oftheir life.

Do you know what being thelove of someone’s life is? It’s being at the source of the most powerful,profound and influential love a lucky person feels in their lifetime. The WHOLEof their lifetime. The person who is the love of someone’s life is the person whothat someone loves the absolute most, the person who changed their lives themost. No other love will come close. Oliver was that for LL. She knew she was not that for him.

C) Do youknow the most revealing way of being in love with a person who is unavailableto you? Jealousy. Oliver never showed an ounce of it for LL and Tommy. In facthe cheered them on, waving them off with a smile because he was HAPPY for them;as if he was saying, all is well and all is good now. Hot stuff right; it really makes you want to watch thislacklustre rickety canoe progress…

D) Wantingsomeone in your life means revealing yourself to them. It means sharing thingsyou’re too embarrassed, ashamed or afraid to do otherwise. It takes a lot ofcourage and we know Oliver possesses that trait in spades. And yet, he neverwants her to know his secret - the other half of him - and what plays a big part inthis is her initial reaction to his rage in 1.04. He scares her and she’s not shy in showing just how much. Her back and forth after that fact wouldn’t instil confidence either, never mind that Oliver already knew a relationship between them with the hood in the middle was doomed to failure.

Trust me, ifthe show hadn’t been brave and we’d been forced to watch a relationship thatmade little sense, we’d have gotten a good 12 episodes of LL being afraid ofOliver and overcoming her fear to a manageable basis. THANK CHRIST.

There was never anything to fear with Oliver: Felicity knew that immediately.The hood, the man under it – it didn’t matter. LL didn’t see what was therepast the scary skills and bloody arrows. Under the hood was the man she repeatedly claimed, she knew down to his bones. And yet… she didn’t see him there.

E) A love powered by guilt is no love at all.There is a difference between the love you have for the people you care for andbeing in love.

Oliver did love LL. But he wasnever in love with her. UntilFelicity, Oliver had never fallen inlove before and it was vastly different to anything he’d felt, thank you WendyMericle.

He even behaves differently once we see it. Falling in love withFelicity made him a better, more hopeful person.

Loving LL in any capacity wasa constant reminder of his ‘sin’.

So when you say that you don’tunderstand why Oliver went back to LL in 1.21… well, wouldn’t you want to beabsolved?

Oliver wanted- desperately needed to hear one thing from all thewomen in his life who have had some sort of emotional sway in it.

Moira Queen: I’m proud of you(who you are and who you’ll become)

Thea Queen: Thank you (forbeing who you are and for doing what you do)

Laurel Lance: I forgive you(so let go of the past, I have: I hope you find happiness)

Sara Lance: It wasn’t yourfault (and what happened gave me purpose)

Shado: you didn’t kill me (amad man trying to hurt you did: let me go)

Felicity Smoak: I love youOliver Queen (I always have and always will be yours)

Being the boyfriend he shouldhave been, being given a chance do it again and do it right – sort of liketurning back the clock – must have felt like a massive relief to Oliver who, inS1, was clueless about what made a relationship work. Relationships based onthe past, don’t last. There’s nothing there to help grow and like the once wiseJohn Diggle once said:

Itisn’t about changing or saving a person: it’s about being with someone who’sthe right fit.

The aim, the goal line whenyou want a relationship with the one you love, is simply to be withthem. To grow with them. Not to makeup for being a jackass in the past. You do that by being a decent person. Not by doing this:

HelloLL, I want to be with you to make up for betraying you! The making of a dream ship, I swear.

If they’d gotten back togetherafter 1.23, the following would have happened:

1. Oliverwould have been forced to see that they couldn’t hack it as a couple. Friendsand allies yes but not as a couple. It takes complete trust to share your lifewith a person and Oliver has never trusted LL to that degree and there isoodles of proof. He’s admitted to it; in fact he’s alluded to never being ableto do that with anyone other than a certain beautiful IT girl.

2. Wewould have had to put up with a solid season of a force-fed, lacklustre romanceand then we would have had the dreaded love triangle once Sara showed up whichwould have been so much worse to watch than what actually happened.

3. OnceLL discovers his secret, and it wouldn’t be because he tells her, he’d break upwith her on the principal that it was the last straw: his last lie to thiswoman who didn’t deserve it and she would vow to prove him otherwise. She’dreach to become BC and they’d have an off again, on again tedious thing thatwould have killed the show in a final, ten episode long, S5.

Tommy’s death led Oliver’s hearttowards the light.

Tommy wasn’t supposed to die. He was a good guy trapped between opposing forces and in love with a woman who didn’t love him back. When he died, Oliver’s world changed perspective. he saw what should have happened as opposed to what they thought should have happened.

The love Oliver and Ll thought they had didn’t culminate in this victory the audience probably expected it to be.It was both reborn superfast only to perish in betrayal. Now, LL and Tommy wereover and Tommy had pushed them both away… so why did both LL and Oliver laterfeel like that was exactly what they did? You only feel this, if deep downinside, there’s something wrong, something you haven’t admitted. LL didn’t feelit until after Oliver runs away again,which meant she’d been swept away by another lie once more only to realise, it was another rinse repeat.

Oliver felt it immediately.

Being with LL wasn’t worthbetraying Tommy, wasn’t worth his death. It wasn’t, because his love for herdidn’t match Tommy’s and he flipping knew it. It tainted anything that could have been past the point of noreturn and suddenly Oliver didn’t want to live in the past anymore because whenhe’d tried, he’d screwed things up further and the boy deserved not to want tokill himself so much. The past includes LL, which is why they barely spend timetogether afterwards and it lasts right up to her death.

Because what else do theyhave, except the past?

If their love had been more,then maybe… after time, they could have gotten past this.

It wasn’t.

Oliver didn’t go back to Laurel. He and Laurel tried topick up again right where they left off, withoutfacing what had happened which is what you do when you decide to re-writehistory, which is of course impossible. It’s just another lie. It’s the easyway out.

Let’spretend you never cheated on me!

Goodidea! Let’s also pretend my alter ego doesn’t scare you shitless and that you don’t secretly hate me for Sara!

Awesome!

LL didn’t want to face thefact that the best time in her life was over before it even started because shecouldn’t move on from the loss of it. Oliver didn’t want to face the idea thathe couldn’t fix his mistakes because it meant acknowledging what he’s alwaysbelieved: that everything that happened after the sinking of the Gambit, was because he’d lived as others died.

You know what the best exampleof being in love is on a TV show?

What it does to the character.

There is never one singlemoment where LL and Oliver make each other better. They don’t ever help eachother in any positive way. He gives her one half hearted lie in 1.21 whichflatters her ego and lights up her libido for cardboard sex and puts women everywherewith two brain cells to string together and a modicum of self-respect, to shame.

This is what happens betweentwo people who never got closure. Once the sex is over, the appeal wears offand reality sinks in and it flat lines.

The exact opposite of what happens when Oliver and Felicity sleep together,just in case you’re wondering what a successful TV romance looks like.

Stephen stated something oncewhen he was asked about his favourite moments in S1. He said that he reallyliked the moment where Felicity said, ‘if you’re not leaving, I’m not leaving’.

He said it stayed with Oliverin a profound way because, deep down, Oliver has always craved that. Havingsomeone who he could lace 100% of his trust in and who would never leave, despite the times he screws up- and screws up hedoes.

And stay Felicity does.

Every single time, even when they’re not together.

We know Felicity saw the realhim. He saw her. There was animmediate connection that neither understands at first because it’s too big.

Patience is required.

I firmly believe there was no romance in S1; but anyonewho watches S1 – particularly 1.03, 1.12, 1.15, 1.17, 1.21, 1.22 and 1.23 – can’t possiblybe blind to all the tiny details of building of trust, reliance and connectionbetween two people who no one saw coming.

There is no build betweenOliver and LL in the season which is shocking and it makes you question thesanity of her fans: the sole season that includes romance between the two and it’s barely even played with. The writers didn’t even try to do it the justice it supposedly deserved. No matter how many complaints the fandom has about the writers, they are not THAT obtuse. It was deliberate.

Why try when it’s not worth trying for?

Lastly, remember that Oliver wasso fucking lonely in S1, especially after the five years of hell. The kind of lonely you couldn’t possibly understand. There isn’treally a way to measure that.

If you’re thinking about himand Felicity, it’s like imagining the deepening of the ocean.They both have issues the size of Godzilla; the ocean’s depths have to be at least as deep - you don’t want them together in S1.Let him go find empty sex with LL where they don’t face, fix or talk about athing. Where they just let themselves pretend for a while.

It’s easier.

Something you need to rememberabout S1: the first season is always going to be the season of trail and error.You cast your lead character in different scenarios with different people andyou see what works.

A fact for you that you mightneed to hear: roughly when they started filming 1.03, they revealed 1.01 to theexecutives at WB and so on and so forth and… let’s just say they weren’t takenwith the onscreen chemistry for the relationship between O + LL. Or with KC’s portrayal. It’s difficult to work against a constant barrage of bitterness. There are otherfactors but I’m not talking about them.

Now, the template for the show’sromance was supposed to be this epic love between the two, as it is in thecomics. Now, I have ample experience with my favourite stories being translatedonscreen. What works on a page rarely works the same way on tv and the comicbook relationship was terrible anyway; why replicate it?

Just when they were trying tofigure out what to do… Emily does onescene, lights the place up, gives Stephen the most excellent chemistry I’veseen in years to play off and suddenly they have a path to follow.

They started building Olicityin S1. They’ve admitted it, but they wanted to do it subtly and BECAUSE they didit slowly, it was believable. Between 1.01 and 1.05 – they write 5 episodesahead of filming – there’s this constant, in your face message that laurel andOliver are meant to be. Then there’s this shift. They slowly introduce this ‘behindthe scenes’ thing with Felicity and Walter, interjecting her loosely withOliver’s story at just the right moments (the end of 1.08 is a HUGE indicationof where they’re going), before the scene in 1.12.

It isn’t a coincidence thatthe scene discusses trust.

He doesn’t talk about trustwith anyone in the season, excerpt her AND… Helena.

Helena trusted him with herheart and she realised he wasn’t ready, that he was still hoping to save thepast just as he hoped to save her and his ignorance hurt her. So when Felicityshows trust in him and he in turn. Proves she can… well it’s a huge deal.

You’d think trust would pop upbetween him and Laurel given their history. The fact that it didn’t speakswonders. In fact, it’s stunning how far apart the writers keep them in S1; it’salmost unfeeling. The lead up to their love scene felt way too fast for my tastes and thereason for the sex, shallow at best.Filled with lies. Rushed.

Crappy sex. A reunion of the body but not the hearts or minds.

Not thelove scene you show for this supposed great star crossed lovers thing they weresupposed to be: it’s a massive neon sign post so I wouldn’t think about it asanything more than two people who had no idea what was good for them, doing theonly thing they knew how to do. Have sex.

Let’s face it, they both suckat relationships. Tommy, the bachelor, knew so much more. He had their futureplanned: him and LL and the white picket fence deal and LL was so clueless, shethought a rebound with ‘Ollie’ was preferable. Idiot woman.

Don’t put too much stock inseason 1: I actually love the season because you can see the narrative linesthat will propel the show towards where they are now.

You can see the prison storyin it from S7. You can see Felicity’s importance and the trust that leads to theepic romance of the show. You can see LL’s death. You can see Prometheus andSlade. John Diggle’s eventual rejection of OTA. Quentin’s death. Oliver rising as a hero.

But even in S1, it was alwaysgoing to be Oliver and Felicity. Stephen said it and he meant it and the directors/creators and writers have been backing him up since 2013.

Yet you have to make room for error and Oliverhas to be allowed to learn, even when it’s infuriating and he does senselessthings for the wrong reasons. THAT’S why he goes to LL in S1. It was unfinishedbusiness.

Sometimes you have to go back to move forwards.

Hope that helped. There wereabout a hundred different ways I could have answered this but I had to sort ofrush it out because of work and my fanfics so I hope it’s at least coherent.

(NO GIFS ARE MINE)

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funkymbtifiction · 5 years

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In one of your recent asks, you answered the following (in part): "3) They don’t understand the difference between high Ne and high Si, so they assume having “a lot of ideas” or reflecting makes them an N." I was just wondering if you could clarify why/how those two as dominant functions could be so often confused/misunderstood? Thanks!

People confuse them, because they aren’t self-aware. It’s that simple.

Most people do not have a clear perception of themselves. And if they mistype, they adopt the mantra of whatever functions they think they use, but could not “prove it” or put it into their own words when you press them to do so – which would reveal that is not, in fact, their true type. If, for example, you are a Fi who believe you are a Ti, your understanding of Ti is skewed by your Fi. So you are saying things that sound like Ti (because you’ve read that’s what Ti does) but it is inconsistent with your self-expression. You do not ‘get’ Ti on the visceral gut internal way that you will, when you see yourself doing it as an actual process and realize that’s how you’ve always been, only this is the first time you are aware of the cogs of your brain turning in that particular way.

It is only when you can gain an independent understanding of the functions, and are able to observe yourself actually doing those things in that manner (and not giving lip service and/or falling back on someone else’s definition of that function when someone asks how your function works) that you are truly seeing yourself. Once you find your type, you can actually SEE your mind working – you become consciously aware of and amazed by it.

What you ask me to do in this ask seems simple but it’s difficult. I have pages and pages of INFP vs ISFJ contrasts. I have talked endlessly about what SiNe and NeSi do. I have used characters as examples. I have theorized on what the functions do, at various points in the stack, and I still get asked this on a regular basis. But the easiest explanation may be the one that is most often ignored – one of them is an intuitive, the other one is a sensor.

The intuitive lives, breathes, and speaks “intuitive.” What they say is often abstract, vague, or generalizing; they will come to you with a problem, outline it in vague terms (or sometimes “the facts” of what someone said or did), and not elaborate until you ask them to, on the details – because it never occurred to them you would not intuitively pick up on the meaning between the words; because it is natural for them to do that, themselves. To not ask for clarification on what YOU say, either, because they think they know what you mean (and do not need details, to answer you) or because they know what you mean. I know if I were to press my intuitive-feeler friends in one of two ways, they would become frustrated and/or eased depending on their functions.

The INFP in my life would become angry, defensive, and abstract if I pressed her to tell me how she felt about something; she relays to me the facts but often what comes across in the undercurrent of her words is the high Fi frustration that the world wants me to conform, to be part of this group, and it’s not what I want, and people there are so shallow; I can see right through them. That is not how she says it, but that is exactly what she means – and I get it, because I too am a Fi. I have the exact same internal bristling over the very things that frustrate and anger her most – not because we share the same values (we don’t) but because the same things irritate a Fi – being told what is or what isn’t appropriate to a situation, being asked to conform in a way that we do not want to do, the idea of us or anyone else being “forced” to do anything against our/their will (even if it’s “just” a company picnic whose attendance is “mandatory”)… the sort of things that set us off, where a Fe would think, “but that’s how the game of life is played… yeah, it’s stupid and I’d rather not go to the picnic, it’s lame, but you are overreacting here, just do it for pete’s sake…” but to them it’s not this deep-rooted INSULT or assault against the very foundations of Fi.

That sort of internal resentment toward “the group” is absent in a Fe-user, who would also not become angry, resentful, or resistant when pushed to “share” their feelings – the Fe would open up and be easily able to tell me about them, in plain words. Part of the reason a Fi would become defensive is, to a Fi and their feelings – asking them to tell you how they feel is like asking them to describe the ocean to a person who has never seen a drop of water. Now, to a Fe user, that sounds insane. Emotions have words. You can find a word and use it to describe your feelings! But a Fi has all this wordless, soundless color inside them that is their feelings. They are all tangled up, and it makes the Fi frustrated and angry when they WANT to share and CAN’T put it into words because it feels like none exists.

Trying to describe high Ne is also difficult. It is as if I walk through my day with no expectations and no preset ideas, only to encounter information, and have an instant response, connected idea, or explanation form in my mind – to the extent that if you asked me to speculate on the motives of that person, or what might be a consequence to this action, or how it connects to something else, I could fire off an instant response, treating and mostly believing that my initial instinct not only has merit, but is probably true. Sometimes I am right, sometimes I am wrong, but I believe what I am saying at the time, and it is never about the tangible things, it is always a theory about something related to it, or “other.”

Today, I was talking to someone, listening to them vent about an ongoing issue they have with a friend, and suddenly my Ne said, “They are doing THIS for THAT reason. Ask them if that’s what they are doing.” And it was. I knew it, so I laid out my intuitive perception (”I think what is happening is that this is messing with you on this level, and you are retaliating with that response, because it is a self-preservation mechanism that makes you feel safe… is that accurate?”) and found out it was right. I do this a lot, because I am working with connections. Unseen connections. That is what strong Ne does. It is not “just” ideas. It is not farting unicorns barfing rainbows. It is not being “bubbly” (kill that stereotype with fire). It is not stupid conversations for their own sake, though we can do what for fun when we get bored. It is the total belief that we are right in what we assume / know about someone, even if we have zero observable evidence to confirm it.

(I do not say this to go “woo, look how awesome intuition is,” because if you use it wrong or do it prematurely or lack enough knowledge to allow yourself to build a broad scope of connections… you will get it wrong a lot of the time and wind up looking like an idiot. And the result of this can be living in the land of delusions and coming across like a moronic asshole. Intuition is serious business, folks. It’s not a cool toy. And the best possible thing you can do for yourself is to not believe your intuitive conclusions about others without proof when you can just ask them, “This is what I think is going on – is that true?” The more you ask, the more you will learn about them, the more accurate your N.)

You will find this in intuitives – the tendency to trust and believe their intuitive insights about the future, about other people and their motives, about what is actually being said by that movie, or song, or television show… is a “fact.” Because in their mind, it is. Ne saw what was there, connected it to something else unconsciously, and handed them a strong perception. Sometimes that is the right perception, and sometimes it is wrong. I have been wrong. My intuitive friends have also been wrong when they have asked me, “Is this why…” or “I think you…” and I have said, “No, not at all.” The thing is, though, N is quick to leap to a conclusion – and N’s have to learn to slow it down to get it right.

I have tested this tendency to operate on Suspicion by spending days where I took note of everything I said, for which I had no tangible evidence or proof – how each time, I assumed I had the intuitive answer. I shocked myself at how many times I inferred things and was eager to leap on them without confirmation – only to easily abandon that perception as soon as contradictory facts or new statements challenged it. And I have also seen how my Fi has influenced my Ne – and in those cases, my intuition has been “off” – I am much more likely to read negative things into people’s motives if I have an “issue” with them which is clouding my judgment than I am to be emotionless and “pure Ne” in assessing something (so that’s also something to think about, if you’re an N – are you being pure N right now, or is your personal bias driving your conclusions?).

What I have just written is intuition. And I can tell you, ISXJs do not think the way I do, nor the way the INFP does. She is like me. So much like me that the only way you could tell the difference is my ability to respond quicker (dom Ne vs aux-Ne) and that her need to push back against any attempts to force her into conformity drives her intuition; it shapes it, so that it is almost always influenced by Personalization – her Ne’s attention goes to herself, her interests, her passions, her beliefs. Her Ne is saturated with her Fi. That is not something I can describe with words, but I can “see” it when we talk to each other. Her Fi is who she is. It is the air she breathes.

I can also “see” Si in my ISFJ friends... but from the outside, it’s something far different than what it is from the inside. Jung had a point when he said that Si creates its own sense of wonder, which is different from intuition, and built entirely of Self. I cannot describe it; I wish I could, because it fascinates me.

For comparison, here’s a post from a Si-dom that talks about their cognitive process; and they have 20 pages on Si in their introverted sensing tag.

- ENFP Mod

#question #infp #enfp #entp #intp #mbti #infj #enfj #intj #entj #type contrast #isfj x infp #infp x isfj

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