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half-oz-eddie · 5 months

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Day 3: Past Trauma

Something random (and extremely personal) for @harringrovemovember

tw for psych ward/hospitalization/involuntary hold, suicide attempt, self harm, psychosis/brief psychotic disorder, hallucinations, medication

Billy and Steve were roommates in the psych ward. Billy had an episode of drug induced psychosis and a suicide attempt. Steve had alcohol induced psychosis at a party that caused hallucinations and paranoia.

Steve had been there for a few days longer than Billy, so he's freed from the constant observation first, and finally allowed to wear regular clothes and not the hideous hospital gowns anymore. When Billy was involuntarily admitted, he slept for 48 hours straight. Steve had done the same when he first got there, so he'd be sure to be considerate, quiet, and stopped eating in the room so the lights could be off as much as possible.

When the nurse would come in every 15 minutes to check on Billy, sometimes Steve would tell the nurse that Billy was crying and talking in his sleep.

When Billy finally woke up, Steve was on his way back from lunch with his coffee. They made eye contact. Steve stared, Billy glared.

"What?" Billy snapped.

"No-nothing. Welcome back. You've been sleeping for days."

"I don't remember anything."

"You should grab something to eat before lunch is over."

"Not hungry."

"Okay, get some Ensure from the nurse's station, then. If you don't put anything in your system, they'll keep you here longer."

Billy sighed and stood, sucking his teeth when he noticed the back of his gown was open.

"Here. Here." Steve handed him an extra gown. "Wear this one backwards so you're fully covered."

"Thanks." Billy grumbled. "What's your name?"

"Steve."

"I'm-"

"Billy. I know. I remember all the noise you made when you first got here. You cried so loud, I couldn't sleep."

"Sorry. I don't remember that."

"It's okay. I didn't remember much when I first got here either."

"Jesus. Are they wiping our memories or something?"

Steve snorted. It'd been awhile since he laughed. "No. Probably the psychosis."

"Oh. Is that what it was? Shit, that must be why they gave me that MRI, or whatever it was. They put me through a machine. I thought I dreamt that though, and—agh!" Billy held his head. "Fuckin' migraine."

"You need to eat. C'mon. Get something to eat. There're chicken sliders. They're actually pretty good. The coffee will keep you alert too."

Billy shrugged. "I guess."

When Billy's constant observation was over and done with, and he was no longer considered a harm to himself, he was excited for his mother to visit him and bring him some fresh clothes and food from outside.

When she didn't show, he had a terrible breakdown and started hearing voices, telling him he was never going to escape, and he should die. So Billy walked up to the nurse's station, being obnoxious and taking out all of his stress on everyone around him.

"Hey." He banged on the window. "Hello? I need my PRN. I'm hearing voices. Hey! Hey!"

Steve was doing his daily pacing the halls when he found Billy irritating the staff. "Billy, what are you doing?! You're gonna get in trouble again!"

"So? I want my fucking PRN. I'm hearing voices and I'm getting pissed off. My mom didn't show up or bring me my fucking clothes and-and I dunno. It triggered me or something."

Steve cocked his head, spotting the devastation in Billy's eyes. "Did you call her?"

"Yeah I fucking called! She didn't answer."

"I'm sorry. Maybe...something came up."

"Something came up." He darkly chuckled. "No, she just doesn't wanna see me." He turned back to the nurse's station, proceeding to bang on the glass. "P! R! N! Give me my fucking drugs or I'm going to kill myself! I'll do it!"

"Billy? Billy, stop. You can't say things like that."

"And why the hell not? They gonna put me in the psych ward?" Billy laughed.

Steve sighed, looking up as an irate nurse approached the window. "He's really distressed." Steve explained. "His mom didn't show up for her visit with him."

"Billy, do you need me to call the doctor?" The nurse asked.

"No. Just give me my meds so I can go lay back down."

The nurse gave Billy his medication, and he brushed past Steve, returning to their room.

Steve went to the laundry room to pick up his clothes, and brought them to their room.

He tossed Billy some shirts and sweatpants.

"We're really not supposed to keep food in our rooms, but my mom brought me a lot of snacks and the head nurse said I have to throw them away by tomorrow if I don't eat them. You want some?"

Billy slowly nodded.

Steve's eyes inadvertently fell on Billy's self harm scars when he reached out a hand for some candy.

"Do you...remember anything yet?"

"Not much. I remember wandering around for a long time. I remember...hearing a bunch of voices all at once. I remember calling 9-1-1 from an emergency box in some neighborhood. I remember crying in an ambulance and getting a couple of stitches. That's really all."

"I don't remember much either. One minute I was at a party with my girlfriend, the next, I was hearing this loud humming sound, and I was dizzy...I dunno. I just know she's not my girlfriend anymore. I don't remember what happened, or what I did, but she's not my girlfriend now. She hasn't accepted calls from me since I got here. Her parents called the hospital and had them order me to stop calling her."

"That's messed up." Billy responded with his mouth full. " What a bitch. She can get fucked."

"How long do you think you'll be here?" Steve asked, shifting the subject. "I'm ready to go home."

"Forever, probably. I'm batshit crazy and I don't have much of a home to go back to. I think it's what drove me over the edge."

"You're not crazy. Don't say that about yourself. Just cooperate, alright? Come out of your room more often, eat in the cafeteria, come to the group meetings..."

"Ugh." Billy threw himself back on the bed. "I don't want to. I'd rather just lay here and rot."

"You can't—"

Billy groaned. "There's 1 little fucking window here at the end of the hall. I can't go outside. I can't call my friends long distance because these shitty fucking phones only make local calls. I can't smoke—"

"Did you get a nicotine patch?"

"Yeah I got a fucking nicotine patch, but...I...I..."

"You what?" Steve leaned forward.

"I smoke for like...stress and anxiety. I don't know how to deal here."

"Come to the rec room. If you get there early enough, you can take over the radio. And, you can play some ping pong with me."

"Ping pong?" Billy snorted.

"C'mon. You gotta try, alright?"

"But..."

"Look. If you cooperate and get out of here with me, I'll treat you to lunch. Wherever you wanna eat."

"Yeah?" For the first time in weeks, there was hope in Billy's eyes.

Steve nodded certainly. "Promise."

"Uh...Thanks for the clothes." Billy scooted next to Steve. "And the snacks."

"Anytime."

#billy hargrove #steve harrington #harringrove #suicide attempt tw #self harm tw #hospitalization tw #psych ward tw #psychosis tw #harringrovemovember

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billy-crudup · 1 year

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HELLO TOMORROW! 1x06 | The Numbers Behind the Numbers

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irondad-defensesquad · 27 days

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// TRIGGER WARNINGS - suicidal thoughts and suicide attempt (overdose).

this is really dark. i'm not in any danger right now btw, i just wanted to write this down. please take care, don't read this if the themes are triggering to you.

"hey, mr. stark. it's me again. how are you doing? how's the trip? you've been away for a couple of days now, haha..."

peter doesn't get any answer. he sighs.

"i guess my patrol hasn't been too bad. but school has been really stressing me out. sometimes i wish i could give up the decathlon too, but i already left band and a bunch of other things... i dunno, i don't think i can handle things the way i used to."

he stares at the night sky, listening to the whole city. it never sleeps and neither will peter.

"ned has been sick all week. it's nothing serious at least, but he needs to rest. and aunt may has been working so much, and i know that's my fault. i rarely see her now with all her night shifts. may still calls me and texts me, but it's not the same, y'know?" peter continues. "and i know you and happy have more important things to do, that's totally fine."

as peter says that, he starts tearing up.

"... i wish i could've told you to stay." he pauses. "that's really selfish of me, i know. you don't have to drop everything for my sake. i wouldn't want you to do that. i just..." he sniffs. "i miss you, mr. stark. i-i feel like i don't have anyone else right now."

he half uncovers his face so the tears don't make his mask gross.

"... you know when you come home and you don't feel anything? even after you had a good day or you didn't feel like shit all day? but then you get home and you see how empty it is... you wish you could disappear, somehow? because you don't want to go back outside, but you don't want to be home, either. there's nothing for you in either of them."

the emptiness is there, in peter's long silence. it's there with the lack of the other line. it's always there and it will be there no matter how busy peter may be, or how hard he may laugh with his best friend, or how happy he might be when he sees his mentor. because in the end, peter is not fulfilled. he will never be.

he can't stay home, he can't stay outside. where should he go?

...

"mr. stark..." peter gulps, despite the fact tony will likely not hear it. but he needs to say it before it's too late.

"... i love-"

you've reached the limit of voicemails.

even his phone is telling him to shut up.

peter inhales but he can't filter out his frustration. he growls and throws his phone to the ground. and it easily cracks in many pieces. oh great. how is he going to get a new phone now? how is aunt may ever going to pay for a new one?

he's sobbing violently in his empty room, his chest hurting and suffocating him. his cries echo in the lonely apartment.

he can't do this anymore.

he can't be alone anymore.

he's so tired.

peter has nowhere to go, like all the walls are closing around him, and he knows he'll get crushed and no one will save him, not even himself.

he needs to go. how? to where?

this pain is too much for him to handle.

peter wishes he could sleep. he hasn't slept well in days.

... he remembers tony left him some enhanced medication. not necessarily for sleeping, but they do leave peter sleepy. maybe if he takes enough, he won't even feel them and he can sleep for once.

peter just takes the pot of pills and he doesn't even know how many he grabs and puts in his mouth. he takes all of them in one huge sip of water. the effects don't happen in an instant, but peter can tell his mind is spinning and things are blurring.

he drops in his bed, knocking something over. it reminds him of when the effects of the spider bite hit him. he thought he was going to die then.

peter starts crying.

he's fading and fading...

and he couldn't even say goodbye to anyone. or "i'm sorry". or "i love you".

peter can only hold onto the blanket, the only thing he can hug right now.

what he would give to have a hug from tony now.

but tony is not coming, is he?

the black hole in peter is sucking everything in. all the light, all the hope, all the fear... there's nothing else left.

maybe this is for the best.

for everyone.

... he can vaguely tell his suit made a noise. he doesn't know what it is. and it doesn't matter anymore.

he's going to sleep.

he'll sleep now.

he'll...

...

#lotus speaks #fics #my fics #irondad #(sort of)#vent fic #suicide tw #overdose tw #suicidal thoughts tw #suicide attempt tw #drabble #not sure if or when i'll continue this

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seamayweed · 2 years

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— Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

(ID in ALT text)

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losthavenmine · 6 months

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Whumptober 2023 Day 28 || Sacrifice

The Pope's Exorcist (2023)

#the pope's exorcist2023 #no.28 #sacrifice #the pope's exorcist #gifs #flashing gifs tw #suicide attempt tw #filmedit #fyeahmovies #horroredit #russell crowe #userfilm #cinemapix #cinematv #whumpedit #moviegifs #classichorrorblog

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a-reader-and-a-writer-for-all · 1 year

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Don’t Make Me Choose

Fandom: Batman, Batfam, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd

Summary: When your twin brother Jason goes against the family (again), your boyfriend is hurt by your choices. But will a secret from your past help him understand your decision?

Word Count: 2672

Note: Spoilers for Red Hood and the Outlaws Comics

TW: mentions of suicide, mentions of attempted suicide

“Dick, please just listen to me!” you beg as your boyfriend, now possibly ex-boyfriend, throws his belongings into a duffle bag. He is weaving around the room, refusing to let you pin him down. You finally manage to put your hand on his arm, but he jerks it away so harshly you stumble back in shock. “Please, Dick. Don’t do this. Let me explain.”

“What is there to explain?” His voice is detached and cold. “You have seen all the horrible things he has done, and you still choose him over us. Over me. I think that says everything right there.” He slams the dresser drawer closed and heads to the door.

You know he is right. No matter how many times Jason had crossed the line before, you had always stood by your twin brother. But this, this was a new low even for him. It was bad enough he tried to break Bruce’s no killing policy again, however shooting the Penguin point blank on national television was a whole other level. And though Cobblepot was still clinging to life (for the moment), Bruce had decided enough was enough. Watching the Batsuit feed of your adopted father beating the living shit out of your twin was almost more than you could bear. If Roy hadn’t shown up at the last minute and whisked Jason away, you honestly weren’t sure what would have happened.

You had been furious at Bruce when he arrived back at the cave. And you had made sure he knew as much in no uncertain terms. When Bruce tried to push you on the issue, you had drawn your own line in the sand. “Don’t make me choose because I’ll pick him every damn time.”

You knew it was a dangerous statement to make, especially in the state Bruce was in. But Jason had raised you for years before Bruce had found you two trying to steal one of the Batmobile’s tires. Even before your mom had overdosed or your dad had gone to prison, Jason had taken care of you. He was the only family who had never willingly abandoned you, and you weren’t going to abandon him. Especially when he needed you most.

But then Dick was there. You hadn’t even noticed him standing in the corner when you made your declaration, however he had definitely heard it. He had moved in front of you to stare you dead in the eye. And with a face full of pain and betrayal, he had whispered, “You’ll pick him every time…..Even over me?”

You wished you could have told him what he wanted to hear. Say it and hope you never had to make that choice in the future. But you loved Dick too much to lie to him. So instead, you returned his gaze and tearfully replied, “I’m sorry. But even over you.”

You had watched as Dick’s jaw tightened and he curtly nodded before storming out of the Batcave, hurling a chair across the room as he went. You flinched but didn’t look back or chase after him. Instead, you had chosen to remain and finish your fight with Bruce. By the time you had made it back to your shared apartment, Dick had packed most of his belongings. Which was why he was now heading for the door.

You know if he leaves, there is a chance you’ll never get him back. You throw yourself in front of him, blocking the exit. He rolls his eyes and heads for the window instead. Panic surges through you as you struggle to find any way to convince him to stay.

“I love you, Dick. I love you so much. Please don’t leave.”

Without turning around, he says, “I love you too. That’s why this hurts so much.” He opens the window and starts climbing out onto the fire escape.

“Dick, I lost Jason once and it nearly killed me. I can’t lose my brother again. I won’t survive that.”

He hesitates for a second, straddling the windowsill. “I know it was tough, it was tough on all of us, but you were strong enough to pull through then, and if you had to, you could do it now.”

“But I wasn’t! If you hadn’t found me that night, I wouldn’t be here right now.” The words unconsciously slip out your lips, barely more than a breath. For the first time since you both got home, Dick looks at your face. Confused, he watches as you slide down the door and curl into yourself. Your face is buried in your knees, but he can still hear as sobs tear through your body. As mad at you as he was, he climbs back through the window and kneels in front of you.

“What are you talking about? What night?”

“You know what night. The night on the roof. After Jason….”

Suddenly, Dick remembers the night you are referring to. It was about a month after Jason’s death. Bruce and you had just gotten into another heated argument about killing the Joker. Things had escalated quickly, and the two of you had stormed off after exchanging quite a few words you both would regret later. Dick waited about an hour to give you time to cool down before he began searching for you. He was just about to give up when he spotted you. He mentally kicked himself for not checking here sooner as he landed on top of the building next to the gargoyle. He remembered how Jason had often referred to the stone beast as his best friend outside of the manor so of course this is where you would be right now.

You didn’t even glance up as he sat down, you just took a big swig from the bottle of vodka in your hand. You looked like a complete mess. Windblown hair sticking out in all directions, tears creating streaks down your face through your makeup, legs dangling over the edge of the building, body swaying slightly. Dick sighed, removing his domino mask. “Don’t you think 15 is a little young to be drinking that?”

You ignored his comment. “Did Bruce send you?”

“No, I was worried and wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I don’t even know what okay is anymore.” You took another, longer gulp from the now almost empty bottle.

He tried again, “Listen, I miss him too. I know our relationships with Jason were different, but I still thought of him as my brother.”

“But he wasn’t. He was mine. And now, I’m alone. Again.” Your words were slightly slurred, and your voice was wobbly as you held back tears. “Did you know he asked me to go with him? He said he needed my help. I told him no. If I had been there…. If I had gone with him…” A strangled sob cuts off the rest of your words. Dick puts his arm around your shoulder and pulls you into him.

“Shhh…. It’s okay…It’s not your fault.”

“Yes, it is! Everything he did, his entire life, was to protect me or help me. Then the one time he asks me for help, I refuse.” You sobbed harder.

“Look at me. Hey! Look at me.” Dick lifted your chin so you were staring into each other’s eyes. “There was nothing you could have done. If you had gone with him, the Joker would have just killed you too. There is nothing you could have done to stop it. And Jason would not want you to blame yourself like this. He loved you so much and it would break his heart to see you falling apart over him. And you are right. Since the first day I met you two, I saw him do everything in his power to keep you safe and happy. That was his main goal every day. Don’t throw all of that away.”

Tears filled your eyes, and you nodded as you once again buried your head in Dick’s shoulder. He held you tight and tried to fight back his own tears. You were always such a fierce, joyful presence in his life and seeing how broken you had become hurt almost as much as losing Jason. He also carried his own guilt at not being there for his younger brother when he needed it most. But while Dick hadn’t been there for Jason, he silently swore he would always be there for you.

It was only when Dick felt you shiver against the wind that he realized you were in the simple t-shirt and jeans you had left the manor in. “Hey, let’s get you back. You know better than to scale tall buildings in civilian clothes. What if someone had seen you? How were you planning on explaining that?”

You were silent for a minute, then softly you whispered, “It wouldn’t have mattered.”

Dick wasn’t quite sure what you meant but he decided not to push it. He stood and when he reached out his hand to help you up, he noticed you drop something off the side of the building. It was too dark and the object fell too fast for Dick to get a good look at it. “Now you’re littering too? What kind of superhero are you?”

“Sorry. I – I just didn’t need it anymore.” You grabbed his hands and he pulled you to your feet. Giving you one more quick hug, Dick whispered, “It’s going to be alright” and the two of you headed home, together.

As Dick replays the night in his head, he shrugs. “I remember that night. But what does it have to do with any of this?”

“There was a reason I was in civilian clothes. There was a reason I had a bottle of vodka. There was a reason I was on top of one of the tallest buildings in Gotham, and not just because it was Jason’s favorite place.”

Dick feels his blood run cold. “What did you drop off the roof? What was it that you ‘didn’t need anymore’?”

You let out another howling sob and Dick knows the answer. He suddenly remembers Bruce complaining about his misplaced sleeping pills a few days later, but Dick hadn’t made the connection at the time. He looks at you trembling in front of him and realizes how close he had come to losing you. He scoops you into his arms just like he had all those years ago and you once again bury your head in his shoulder. Soothing your hair with his hand, Dick softly murmurs, “Oh baby, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Bruce had been so angry and distant, and I just felt so alone, abandoned yet again. I was in so much pain and I missed Jay so much! I needed the pain to stop, and I thought it would be the only way.” You stare deeply into Dick’s face with your tear-soaked eyes. “But then you showed up. You reminded me that I still had someone who cared for me and doing… that… wasn’t what Jason would have wanted for me. You saved me that night, Dick. You stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life.”

Dick pulls you closer to his chest. “No baby, you did that. I might have reminded you that you weren’t alone, but you made the decision to save yourself. You did that, not me. And you have nothing to be sorry about. You had just lost the most important person in the world to you, and you felt betrayed by the person who was supposed to be looking out for you. Of course, you were in a bad place. But just know, that whatever happens, whether we are a couple or not, I will always be there to remind you that you still have people who care about you.”

You rest your head on Dick’s shoulder and link your fingers with his. “I love you. I love you so damn much and I can’t stand the thought that tonight I almost screwed everything up and lost you. I’m sorry about what I said in the cave. I never meant for you to think I didn’t love you enough to choose you. It was never about who I loved more. It was about who needed me more. I guess, deep down, I know that just because I don’t want to live without you, it doesn’t mean we couldn’t if we had to. You still would have Tim, Damian, Bruce, Barbara, Wally, so on, that you could lean on. But Jason….

“I’m just trying to imagine where Jason’s head’s at right now. Bruce essentially exiled him from Gotham and by extent his family, the Outlaws were just trapped in some alternate dimension, he’s currently with Roy but Roy’s been talking about checking himself into rehab, and if that happens, I am the only person Jason will have. If I turn on him too, I am afraid of what he might do to himself or others.” You hang your head as tears stream down your face once again. This is the closest you have ever come to admitting out loud how scared you are of what your brother is capable of. You had always denied the possibility that he was too far gone to be saved, instead fighting fiercely to defend him at every turn.

“I already let him down once. I choose Bruce and his rules about killing over justice for Jason. Do you remember how long it took for him to trust me again? For him to even talk to me again? If I ever turn my back on him a second time…he won’t ever forgive me. And if that happens….I don’t know what he will do….” You trail off. Dick just nods at you reassuringly, so you sigh and continue. “We all saw the footage. I’ve never seen Bruce attack someone like that. It was absolutely brutal. And he clearly was sending a message when he ripped the bat symbol from Jason’s chest. There’s no coming back from this. So, no. I don’t want to pick sides, I don’t want to have to choose between my brother and my family, you, but Bruce might have just made that our new reality.”

You reach up and brush Dick’s hair out of his face. “And all I can think about now is how you pulled me back from the edge back then because you were there when I needed you most. If I abandon Jason, who will be there to help pull him back?”

When you finally get everything off your chest, Dick sighs. “You’re right. I hate it, but you’re right. I wish Jason knew he could still count on me and that I still cared for him. But ever since he returned, our relationship has never been the same. So, at the moment, you might be the only other person besides Roy he feels he can lean on. And if you need to go to him, I’ll be right here waiting for you when you get back.”

You wrap your arms around him and squeeze tightly. “Thank you. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for letting me do what I need to do. And please know, I’m not choosing Jason over you. He just needs me more at the moment.”

“I know. And I will try my best to never make you feel like you have to choose between us ever again. As long as you continue to choose to love me, that is the only choice I care about.“

You lightly cup his cheek with your hand, a smile dancing across your face. You guide his head down until your lips meet. Your eyes flutter closed as a comforting, familiar warmth shivers down your spine. After a moment you pull away and gaze deep into his sparkling eyes. “Oh, Dick….. Loving you was never a choice. It was an inevitability.”

#sfw repost #fic #batman #batfamily #batfam #dick grayson #dick grayson x reader #nightwing #nightwing x reader #jason todd #dc #dc x reader #angst #hurt/comfort #hurt & comfort #suicide tw #suicide attempt tw #mention of character death tw

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