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arcielee · 1 year

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Interview With a Writer

Here is part 3 of my Interview With a Writer series. You can go to this post to review the other amazing authors I have spoken with ♥ Just a BTS of some of the talented minds on Tumblr and ao3.

Name: inthedayswhenlandswerefew

Story: North to the Future

Paring: modern Aegon Targaryen x Reader

Rating/Warning: Sexual themes, substance abuse, acts of violence, and there is a serial killer, so murder.

So when did you start writing? I can remember working on pieces of stories as far back as elementary school, but I never thought of myself as wanting to be a writer. Then in 2010, when I was 15, I got my first vivid, all-consuming, lightning bolt of an idea. It took over my life in the best possible way and I wrote a novel over 9 months.

Now, to be clear, the novel was very bad. But you have to read a lot and write a lot before you start getting good at it, and that experience was absolutely transformative for me.

I had a lot of chaotic life situations and a bit of a crisis of confidence, and I wrote only sporadically during college and for several years afterwards. Then in 2018, I saw Bohemian Rhapsody and it became my only personality trait for a while.

As I was reblogging a million gifsets on Tumblr, I stumbled across fanfiction for the first time, and I was like…wait…other people make up self-insert stories every time they get obsessed with a movie/show too?! It was so exciting, I finally felt like I had an outlet to put my ideas and characters out into the world. I’ve been writing pretty consistently since February 2019, and I would consider that the point when I really became a writer.

I think it is safe to say every writer has that first, all-consuming novel. Does it still exist? Oh yeah, it definitely still exists! I have a Word Doc, and also a paper copy that I had printed and bound at Staples back in the day. It’s a dystopian story about a man who has to pretend to be a true believer in an oppressive regime in order to rise to the top and change it from within, but by the end of the journey he’s become sort of genuinely evil. I keep the paper copy in a box under my bed. Poor quality notwithstanding, it has a lot of sentimental value.

Okay, where did the plot for North to the Future come from? What inspired the story? Towards the end of writing my Aemond fic—Have You No Idea That You’re In Deep?—I started feeling this fascination with Aegon as a character, and I could kind of sense that there was a story about him ready to be excavated from wherever ideas wait to be discovered.

I kept picturing him in an unassuming little bar filled with Christmas lights as snow fell outside: sad, drunk, wearing all black. But I didn’t have a story yet, just a vision. And the songs I kept hearing when I thought about this tortured modern Aegon were 90s songs: Everlong, A Long December, Drive.

Then one day out of nowhere, the plot showed up.

The first real idea I get for a story is always the very end, and I saw Aegon and the protagonist barreling down the Pacific Coast Highway in a red convertible. I knew that Aegon was sober and going back home to face some terrible past, and that the girl he loved was experiencing California for the first time, and that they were both finally free of demons they’d been running from their whole lives. Once I knew the ending, the rest of the details started falling into place, and within a few days I had an outline and chapter list.

Explain your interpretation of Aegon. What drives him? Why is he the way he is in NttF? Aegon is a talented and intuitive person, but he’s clearly not suited for running a venture capital empire or corporate work in general. So his earliest, most formative memories are of his parents (and grandfather) being disappointed in him. He experienced abuse, both emotional and physical, and developed extremely harmful coping mechanisms that at a certain point he no longer knew how to function without. He was suicidal in part because of his self-loathing and the futility of his situation, but also because the only time he received even vague compassion from his parents was after he had swallowed a bottle of pills or stabbed himself with four of his mother’s EpiPens.

Of course what Aegon overlooked was that he did have people back in Miami who cared about and wanted to help him, although they were too young to effectively communicate it: Aemond, Helaena, and Daeron.

After the accident that claimed Aemond’s eye and three innocent lives, Aegon can’t cope with reminders of what he’s done because he’s fundamentally not someone who ever wants to hurt others. He directs his destructiveness inwards, not outwards, and even when striking out in self-defense he runs away as soon as the opportunity presents itself. That’s the real difference between Aegon and Jesse. When Dadtini talks about Jesse, he mentions bruises and kicked down doors. That’s not Aegon. Jesse gives bruises, Aegon gets them.

Was there anything in specific that inspired your Reader portrayal? I didn’t consciously have anyone in mind when I was writing Appletini, but most of my Readers tend to be snarky, studious, and guarded (yet reluctantly hopeful), so that’s probably my own personality bleeding into the characters! I envisioned someone who was well-intentioned and ostensibly responsible, yet under the surface struggling in a way that she felt she couldn’t share with anybody else. I think most people have felt like that at some point in their lives, so it’s just a matter of being able to take the essence of that feeling and shape it to fit with the story’s narrative. Honestly, the most difficult part of writing Appletini was her relationship with her extremely supportive and functional parents, as that’s not something I have much experience with. I was really relieved when people connected with Momtini and Dadtini as characters because I wasn’t sure if I was doing them justice. In what ways do you feel your Reader compliments Aegon? The defining characteristic of the Aegon/Appletini relationship is that she wants him to become the best version of himself, and truly believes that he has the capacity to if he’ll work for it. She knows he’s brilliant, she knows he’s a genuinely good person under all of his issues and mistakes, she knows he’s fine af, and she knows she loves him. But none of that is enough if he’s not sober.

Someone like Heather or Joyce wouldn’t see value in Aegon, and someone like Kimmie wouldn’t push him to change. The story is in the war that Appletini fights to prove that Aegon can and should conquer his demons. Similarly, Aegon wants Appletini to break free of her suffocating obligations in Juneau, and it causes him genuine pain to see her not living the life she wants. They really want the best for each other, even in their worst moments.

Was there another character (OC or canon) in your story you enjoyed portraying? (And why?) Firstly, I really enjoyed writing Kimmie because she’s a twist on the trope of the attractive, overtly-sexual, not terribly intellectual girl always getting killed in horror movies. Kimmie is the “hot friend” and she loves to party, but she’s also deeply loyal and affectionate, and she notices certain things that other people don’t. I wanted the readers to underestimate her, and then hate her, and then come back to realizing that she wasn’t a villain after all. She could use a better sense of boundaries, but she’s a good person. I feel like by the end of NTTF, it’s clear why Heather, Joyce, and Appletini are friends with Kimmie despite all her…peculiarities.

Secondly, Trent was a super fun character to write, because he’s unnerving without being completely unrealistic. He reminds me of a lot of the frat boys I went to college with…superficially pleasant yet entitled, less malicious than willfully ignorant about anything that doesn’t fit with what he wants in life. He’s a product of the “boys will be boys” era that he grew up in, especially with Alaska being more old-fashioned than the rest of the country, so the 1990s there feel like the 1960s or 70s in some ways. Also, I can’t lie, I loved all the dumb horse boi jokes.

Finally, I absolutely adored Aemond as a character and I was just as impatient as the readers were for him to finally show up in Chapter 11. He’s so stoic and fierce, but he has a tremendous amount of love for Aegon and this blind faith in his ability to change for the better. Aemond’s personality is a lot like Appletini’s, which is why they end up having this tacit respect for each other. I think they end up as close friends eventually, probably even closer than Aemond and Aegon.

Was there an OC character that reflects the author? Out of all the NTTF characters, I am definitely the most like Heather! I’m that friend who is snarky and judgmental on the surface, but also ferociously protective…which can be tough when you’re watching your friends make questionable decisions, like our poor beloved Heather was forced to throughout the series. I know she was thrilled to see that everyone ended up happy. That’s all we really want, us Heathers of the world.

You mentioned your retirement from fan fiction, so what is next? What’s next is writing a novel, which I am super excited about! I’ve had the plot figured out for a few years now and have written bits and pieces of it already, but now I’m determined to dive in without any creative detours and get it written, hopefully within a year.

I do have some trepidation about the project—What if the idea isn’t good? What if I can’t do it justice? What if I can’t keep to a schedule now that I don’t have an amazingly wonderful audience expecting weekly updates?—but I’ve come to realize that if I never try to be a “real” writer, I’m going to regret it my whole life. I’m trying to be logical about it and tell myself that even if my first book isn’t perfect, I can always write others, so it’s not like my whole future is contingent upon this one project. I’ve had the idea for so long that the characters feel real to me, and I just want to tell their story well.

#interview with a writer #iwaw3 #bts #of their brilliant writing #i hope you all enjoy #♥#aegon targaryen fanfic #aegon targaryen x reader #aegon ii fanfic #aegon ii x you #biiiiiiitch

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aphrodite1288 · 3 years

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You said you didn’t have news from your sources yet you said some days ago that they were so stable…

Yes from what we saw and analyzed. If they're not okay we would see it on Ji's face during his lives or he would disappear completely ( like how he did in kaistal era or Jenkai era or when he broke his leg and couldn't perform or when Soo enlisted) and he wouldn't be happy and cheerful during his lives where he was only laughing and being cheerful and genuinely showing us his house and disappearing for a long ass period when Ksoo was discharged. 💁🏻‍♀️

I mean if you fought with just your bestie or a dear family member, people would notice ! That you are not okay and something is going on?🤷🏻‍♀️ And they would ask you if everything is okay! Let alone when you fight with your other half your partner your lover the love of your life! Do you think you could be experiencing a breakup after an amazing 10 years relationship then do tons of lives where you are genuinely happy and always cheerful and laughing all the time telling fans to be happy coz you're happy! And swearing that you're happy and genuinely satisfied with your life when your fans keep pestering you with "Are you happy?" questions??

Ji is an open book he is very easy to read, when he is not okay you would know it no matter how much the show or the IG Live are scripted and manipulated and no matter how hard he tired to hide it, he can't! We know he is a terrible liar and terrible at hiding his feelings. On the other hand ksoo and other members are better in hiding their distress but not always, Chanyeol is also the type to be easily seen through! He is so transparent.

So of Ji was in a difficult period after breaking up with the love of his life with whom he spent his best 10 years of his youth,...do you think he would do tons of lives and be overly active and all happy and cheerful especially when Soo got discharged?? During that period he was the happiest and he even disappeared for along time when Soo got discharged 1 month earlier than his actual date of discharge in January 25th, and after that Ji came back as healthy and happy and ever! He was happy even before Ksoo's enlistment thats when all fans were all so suddenly amazed at how happy and cheerful he became, coz he knew his Bae would be discharged soon and I'm sure Ksoo was with him during his promotions supporting him, thats what explained his happiness, both his Solo debut and his Jagi coming back and supporting him during his promotions in December. He even kept telling fans that what matters is happiness and that he is so happy recently and wants them to be happy with him! And he was genuinely reminding and repeating to fans on his lysn bubble and IG lives that he is extremely happy these days, even in his Solo Promotions he wrote in his signed albums messages to fans asking them to be happy like how he is extremely happy! Coz Ksoo got discharged earlier in December becoz of Corona new rules and spent his one month vacation with his family and I'm sure he spent it with Ji coz that was the period when Ji suddenly disappeared even tho his album was just out still he took his time with Soo in the middle of his promotions period, I'm sure he scheduled for his promotions to end before Ksoo's discharge to be Able to spend time with him . Many days after he came back as happy as ever!

And if we come to compare this late 2020 and early 2021 with the second half of 2019 and the whole 2020 year til before his album release, we were able to see how Ji was sad and not the cheerful boy he is now, in his lives he was often off and always hangs out with his squad and do IG lives with them to cheer up! Let's not forget Ji disappeared for two months after Ksoo's enlistment and if it weren't for SupeM debut that he was forced to appear again to promote for the debut, I'm sure he wouldn't have appeared on SNS. We all know the drama that happened btw him and Soo in 2019 bcoz of Ksoo's sudden enlistment that he didn't discuss with him nor with the members not even with the company, and the members confirmed that when they said Ksoo came to them all of a sudden and said he was enlisting as if he said he was going out for a café with some friends and coming back later. Baek said that.

I recommend you to go read the ksoo enlistment post.

So he seemed cheerful since Ksoo got discharged as I said above and now we got to See kaisoo happy and all lovey-dovey so we assumed their relationship is stable. Coz no one would be all happy and touchy with his Ex that he loved for 10 years and just broke up with! If they broke up or had problems in their relationship we would notice it on Ji! Coz it's impossible for him to just forget a 10 years relationship in a span of few weeks and be all fine and cool with the breakup and be extremely and genuinely happy in his IG lives, while assuring and promising EXOL that he is fine and extremely happy recently when they kept pestering him with the question "Are you really happy?" I knew it wasn't scripted coz he REALLY REALLY looked happy! Like genuinely happy.

No one can get over a 10years relationship easily in a matter of few months and be all cheerful and happy. So they were stable, we assumed.

Sometimes we don't need to be told things if we can just analyse with our eyes and logic. If we gather the info that we're sure about in the past! Which we saw evidence of! Which is that kaisoo ARE LOVERS. It wouldn't be hard to assume the present. What we can't predict is the future and we clarified that in our latest Q&A.

#Kaisoo stable relationship #kaisoo drama #kaisoo breakup #kaisoo #kadi #kaisoo love #kaisoo love story

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nightxlight9 · 3 years

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Inspired from birth ｜ Emptiness that you want to hug

Dialogue with the Bungei Prize-winning author.

Tono Haruka, who received the Akutagawa Prize (1) less than a year after the 2019 Bungei Prize (2), and Sakurai Atsushi, the frontman of BUCK-TICK, who continues to play an active role in music culture after their major debut in 1987 and who this September celebrated 33 years from that day. As if real father and son, as artists of different genres - what do they feel and get from coexistence? That which was not told before; what I always wanted to hear. Here, for the first time, is presented a dialogue that pushes creative boundaries.

ᅠᅠᅠᅠᅠᅠᅠ Resonant feelings

Sakurai: I didn’t think the day would come when we could talk like that. I am very grateful.

Tono: Likewise, thank you very much.

— Sakurai-san, when you read Tono-san’s novel, what impression did it leave on you?

Sakurai: Cultivation shocked me. Not in the sense that I didn’t like it - it is rather akin to art that I like to touch. Regarding the Catastrophe — thanks to the Cultivation I am tempered enough for Tono-sensei’s books; and even though there are a lot of hardcore scenes of sex and violence, it didn't shock me too much. While I was reading, he pulled me in and repulsed me - this both disturbed and soothed. Although it is rather ridiculous to describe my impressions of the novel that way.

Tono: It's hard to share your impressions, isn’t it?

Sakurai: After reading Catastrophe, the emptiness of the protagonist seems to leave an aftertaste. She resonates with the emptiness in me, as if I want to embrace something passionately — but there is nothing to embrace. The feeling was like that. I was the kind of child who started to really get into the festival after it was over. Not having fun in the midst of the fun, but thinking about it when it’s already over. And as I grew up, nothing changed. First and foremost, I come to terms with everything, so [for me] the “emptiness” of Tono-sensei’s novel was refreshing.

Tono: Many people mention the word “emptiness” (решите, что вам больше подходит — “emptiness” или “void”). And the main idea of Catastrophe speaks of “the emptiness of a new era”.

Sakurai: Tono-sensei gives the impression of a composed and calm person, and this is imposing on the main character. It seemed to me that the hero contains not only emptiness, but also a certain composure.

Tono: It’s a bit surprising to hear that Sakurai-san has an emptiness. I have listened to BUCK-TICK since elementary school and I think that this band has more of a well-established dark worldview rather than emptiness. Their world is original, which completely sets them apart from other bands, don’t you think?

Sakurai: Been listening since then, really? Thanks. I am very touched.

Tono: My work couldn’t be called bright either, so maybe [their music] subconsciously influenced me.

Sakurai: Dilettante question, but — The Cultivation and Catastrophe are not about personal experiences, they are a product of the imagination, right?

Tono: Yes, that’s right. I was not describing my own experience, but I designed and took everything from imagination. It is much more interesting to write, thinking about what you yourself have not experienced or what you don’t know about, because you can discover something new for yourself.

Sakurai: That is, before you start working, there is no fully-formed concept, it is formed step by step in the process of writing?

Tono: I sketch out something like a rough draft, but when I start writing, I move away from it, and the result is something completely different. It seems that I am writing it myself, and then suddenly something unexpected appears [in the text], which confuses and complicates everything, but this only makes it more interesting.

Sakurai: Something unexpected — for example?

Tono: In Catastrophe, there is a girl named Irori who gets scared at one point. Before starting the work, I thought about including a child somewhere. But when I was already writing, I surprised myself when, at an unexpected moment, she hid under the bed and watched the hero.

Sakurai: Yes, it happens. Could it be that the story itself is rejecting [the planned] in the process of writing? There are deviations from the original design, and in the end it turns out completely different. These changes are fun, it’s great.

ᅠ Life and art

Sakurai: Although not a first-person novel, do you have the same sudden madness and cruelty as the protagonist, Tono-sensei?

Tono: I think I’m a very decent person. I don’t fight people, I don’t stay up late. In that sense, the main character and I are completely different.

Sakurai: So this madness is purely imaginary?

Tono: It doesn’t really happen. This was not conceived in the characters, and yet from time to time they did things that should not have been done, or found themselves involved in unexpected events due to some minor misunderstandings. So I could, in the heat of the moment, do something rash. I still have some kind of crazy thing in me, and this could have affected the characters.

Sakurai: As I read it, it worried me if you were experiencing what you described, or if you are going to experience it in the near future. It was constantly spinning in my head. Perhaps it bothered [me] from a different point of view, not as a reader.

Tono: There is almost nothing from my life or personal experience in this work. The location of the Catastrophe is Keio University (3), and I also studied there. Is that the issue? I have not participated in such events and do not plan to. *laugh*

Sakurai: Thank goodness. *laugh*

Tono: It’s hard to make a story interesting just by describing how the characters sleep and go about their day, so you have to weave in some twists and turns.

Sakurai: There’s a font of worries in there. Very stimulating. Because of this, when I was already finishing it, it felt a little sad, because I wanted to read on, but it seemed that the end was close.

Tono: Of course, as the saying goes, “This is where everything ends”.

Sakurai: How would you, Tono-sensei, suggest to read [this book]?

Tono: How should I put it... I don’t want to impose on readers [thoughts] like “I wrote with this intent” or “This book needs to be read this way and that way”. I do not want to limit the potential interpretations. I would be happier if they read it on their own, calling it boring if it was boring, or interesting if it was interesting.

Sakurai: It's very courageous.

Tono: If I was debuting as a teenager, it might have been different. But since it happened when I was already 28 years old, I do not take readers’ reactions to heart and am not afraid of it.

Sakurai: II only recently came to this. Probably in my fifties, somewhere around the last three released albums. In my youth, I was still that little tyrant, digging in my heels, so that everything was my way. Now it all seems somewhat extreme. Now I think: “Listen as you like”.

Tono: Do you look up the listeners’ impressions?

Sakurai: I don’t want to worry about [reviews on] social media. Not in the sense of “I don't care,” but in the sense of “I don’t want to worry”. So personally, I am not involved in checking such things.

Tono: Well, I’m checking it. I’m trying to figure out, in general, how people read it. It doesn’t affect how I write, though.

Sakurai: Oh, just to confirm [your thoughts], correct? A sensible approach. Of course, in my case, there should be no paranoia at all. You start taking everything to heart and fears will arise, so it’s better not to get carried away.

Tono: Companies conduct surveys of who use their services, don’t they? It’s kind of like that. If all the experiences are completely different from my expectations, it is worth considering how I write.

Sakurai: A top-notch entrepreneur.

Tono: No, I’m a newbie. *laughter* Not a year has passed since my debut...

Sakurai: A very courageous newbie, from where I am looking.

[At our next meeting, I will already be

the winner of the Akutagawa Prize]

Sakurai: Last December he attended the BUCK-TICK concert in Yoyogi. Even before the Catastrophe was published in the magazine. After the performance, we were able to talk a little in the dressing room, and when he was just about to leave, Tono-sensei said, “By our next meeting, I will win the Akutagawa Prize”.

Tono: Ah, yes, he did. It was probably terribly immodest to say that. But if before you roll the dice you declare that it will come up six, and then it really comes up six, it seems that something amazing just happened, right? I wonder if they will ever say: “Just like he said”?

Sakurai: And the promise was fulfilled. It couldn’t be cooler. He was wearing a mask, so it was difficult for me to see his expression, but I saw that dazzling confidence.

Tono: I often say these things even if I haven’t finished my work yet.

Sakurai: It was the last push, right? Thank you for coming to the concert then.

Tono: How could I not? And the next concert will be the day after tomorrow (September 21*)? I bought a ticket.

Sakurai: Is that true? Wow, I am suddenly nervous.

Tono: Is this the first time you broadcast a concert online without an audience?

Sakurai: We performed without an audience at WOWOW once before, and I had no idea how much tension to expect. And a few days ago we had a film-concert shoot — in a large hall, without an audience. Of course, there was no applause or shouts of joy. After each song there is a complete silence.

Tono: Not very encouraging, right?

Sakurai: Right now I'm trying to get inspired by myself. Even now, during the coronavirus epidemic, there are many things you can get latch on to. I realized that even these days I can be on the same wavelength with the energy of my fans. It was not an ordinary feeling. You also can’t do autograph sessions and meetings with readers right now, correct?

Tono: Yes, there are no autograph sessions yet, and the conversations are taking place online. The Akutagawa and Naoki Awards (4) usually serve a lot of food, but this year there was no such thing, and the number of guests was limited.

Sakurai: Very sorry. Still, it must have been an amazing experience.

Tono: The day after tomorrow the sales of the new album “ABRACADABRA” will start, right? What does it look like finished?

Sakurai: After Tono-sensei debuted as a writer, we exchanged messages with him, and it gave me courage. Or if not courage, then determination to write and juggle words. I think it showed itself in the album. Perhaps I’ve managed to open - more precisely, to throw open the door to a vocabulary that I had not used before.

Tono: It seems to me as well, that you succeeded.

Sakurai: Moreover, now I have the strength to use those words.

Tono: Any desire to write a novel?

Sakurai: No way.

Tono: I would read it even if it was very short.

Sakurai: I think it would take an incredible effort from me.

Tono: You were writing song lyrics originally, correct?

Sakurai: Yes, I’m writing. Music has always been on my mind. Although in elementary school I was often praised for [written] reviews of what I have read.

Tono: It was exactly the opposite for me. I was completely unable to describe these impressions. I couldn’t even set it up.

Sakurai: This is amazing.

Tono: I couldn't understand what kind of impressions they were talking about. No matter what I read, everything seemed to me “Well, okay”, but you can’t call that an impression.

Sakurai: In some interview it was mentioned that you were a member of a band when you were at university.

Tono: It was a copy-band, there isn't much to talk about. But Cultivation has a character who plays drums in a band, so that experience influenced the novel.

Sakurai: I’m even a little happy.

Tono: I did a lot of things, but for the most part I gave it all up quickly, so writing is my longest-running occupation at the moment.

Sakurai: Since when have you been writing?

Tono: I started somewhere after I turned twenty, so it’s about seven or eight years old by now. I thought that being on the other side [of the book] was a completely different matter. Like, shouldn’t I become a creator myself and start giving shape to things? Perhaps BUCK-TICK influenced this in some way from the very beginning.

Sakurai: And then a novel ended up being written.

Tono: Yes.

— Did Sakurai-san know that Tono-san was writing a novel?

Tono: The first time I told him about it was when I won the 2019 Bungei Prize for my debut.

Sakurai: I’ve heard something [about this] since he graduated from university, but was amazed when he suddenly made his debut as a writer. However, I was looking forward to [the release of the book]. What kind of work will it be, could not wait to read it — something like that. And I was amazed a second time when Cultivation came out. How did you feel after finishing work on this novel?

Tono: I gained confidence and I decided that I could make it to the final round. I didn’t know, of course, how it would go in the future, if I would end up regretting it.

Sakurai: And he wrote to me about it.

Tono: Yes, that happened. I wrote “I got to the finals”. It was still cooler to report this after receiving the award.

Sakurai: And the coolness of the statement that “next time I meet I will be the winner of the Akutagawa Prize” then went off the charts.

Tono: This is just the beginning.

Different hobbies, same tastes

— This year BUCK-TICK celebrated 33 years from the date of their debut — without breaking up or changing membership of the group. What is the secret of such longevity?

Sakurai: Patience. Group work requires patience. The others and I, by the way, we often say this. But it seems to me that writers are have it more difficult in terms of moral, because they work alone. You have to evaluate yourself. When you are in a group, there is always someone who will express their opinion.

Tono: Perhaps so.

Sakurai: The writers of the old days appear to us to be some kind of alcoholics and drug addicts, down on their luck, with a ruined life — but now people are different.

Tono: In our era, being a writer, you can support yourself with more than just creativity, so in this sense the profession is more reliable than before. And I don’t drink much at all. And you, Sakurai-san, drink a lot, right?

Sakurai: Yes. I am one of those who seek salvation in alcohol. *laughter*

Tono: By the way, do you still read lots of novels?

Sakurai: Recently I reread Mishima Yukio again (5). And also [books] by Numata Mahokaru-san (6) and Taguchi Randi-san (7).

Tono: You’ve loved Mishima Yukio for the longest time, right?

Sakurai: Yes, quite true. It's not just about books — I’ve watched YouTube videos about Mishima Yukio and Kawabata Yasunari (8), and they really are very interesting people.

Tono: I haven’t read Yukio Mishima at all. My preferences in literature are very different.

Sakurai: What is your favorite writer, Tono-sensei?

Tono: When I was just starting to think about the novel, I had no idea how to write, and started by imitating the prose of Natsume Soseki (9). Have you read it?

Sakurai: I love his Heart very much. But now you probably don’t have time to read.

Tono: Right. But they often say that you need to read more, so I think about it anyway. Sakurai-san, do you study other artists’ music?

Sakurai: I’m a slob, so I’m not really up to date, so to speak. But good things still find their way to me. I can catch it on the radio when I’m driving, or hear it somewhere by accident. The youth of today like Kaze-san Fujii (10), don’t they?

Tono: Wow. A bit surprising.

Sakurai: You probably like something harsher, right?

Tono: I love King Gnu (11). Mentioned this in an interview for the monthly Bungei Shunju (12). Many were surprised that the music favored by young people and the traditional image of the Akutagawa Prize are not related.

Sakurai: King Gnu is great. I bought their CD as well. Just like that, I found out about King Gnu when I accidentally heard them. They have such an interesting lead singer.

Tono: Iguchi Satoru-san is interesting, yes. On Twitter, I would send links to [my] videos to anyone, even to the Pope himself. And when I appeared at Music Station, I stunned everyone with my descent down the stairs.

Sakurai: Showed up wearing sandals, yeah. *laughter* Do you watch a lot of TV?

Tono: From time to time. I saw your collab with Shiina Ringo-san at Music Station. “Elopers” is a great song, very powerful.

Sakurai: Really? I am very happy.

You can't lie to yourself

Sakurai: Has the third work been written yet?

Tono: Yes. The events transpire in an institution that raises people with supernatural abilities. The main character attents it along with the rest, tries to awaken superpowers in himself, but since he does not possess them, he gets no progress. This is the story I am writing. It will differ from the two previous works in meaning.

Sakurai: Is there a deadline?

Tono: I want to submit it to the editors by early next year. You, Sakurai-san, also have deadlines, right?

Sakurai: I have deadlines, of course. Release and tour dates might be pre-determined and songs should be worked on accordingly. And I will stubbornly work on them until they tell me: “That’s it, you can't put things off any longer”. However, I still try to keep within the appointed time.

Tono: Are there any serious challenges when you work?

Sakurai: It's very difficult to work when I’m drained. If you try to force something out of yourself, you get only lies, and then it turns out that you are insincere with yourself and with others. You can’t lie to yourself. But with a bit of personal experience and imagination, on the other hand, you can make very good progress.

Tono: You have to rewrite everything a lot, right?

Sakurai: Depends on the song. Sometimes I have to rewrite over and over again, and sometimes I write the first word that comes to my mind and everything is ready. Most often, some kind of shape may emerge first. How is it with you, Tono-sensei?

Tono: More often than not, I have one scene at the beginning, and I start writing based on it. At that time, I do not yet know how the story will develop, I have only scattered fragments, and as they are combined and edited, I am finally getting the feeling that the world of of this work is acquiring its finished form. By the way, I had some trouble coming up with a name for Cultivation, and I was given one piece of advice, do you recall?

Sakurai: Ah, yes, but in my opinion, it was not very good...

Tono: When I asked “How do you come up with names?”, You replied, “It should express the essence, but at the same time cover the whole thing. That word would fit the best”.

Sakurai: Wow, I put it remarkably well. And [I said that] to the future Akutagawa Prize winner, such arrogance. *laughter*

Tono: Even though I didn’t really understand how to apply this advice in practice, I still relied on it.

Sakurai: Cool title, isn’t it? Even though I said there were some disturbing moments when I was reading Cultivation for the first time, I think it read very cleanly. For example: “To my delight, I managed to look great. <…> I just wanted to be beautiful” — here, as it seemed to me, the words are very good - fresh and clear, without unnecessary embellishments.

(2020.09.19)

Sakurai Atsushi, musician. Vocalist Buck-Tick. 66 years of birth. New job: 「ABRACADABRA」

Tono Haruka, writer, winner of the Akutagawa and Bungei awards

END

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black-swan-slaps · 3 years

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My Musings About How BTS Made My 2020 So Much Better

I’m never one to do year end reflections like this, but I think I’ll make an exception for 2020, considering, you know, 2020. Plus, the New Years Eve content made me giddy.

I’ve known about BTS since either 2015 or 2016 (I first saw their videos in a Youtubers React video). I remember being impressed back then when I saw that their music videos had around 100 million + views (look at them now, lol). Since then, I would casually watch some of their performances or interviews, but never really listened to their work. The closest I got was when I became interested in RM’s solo work in 2018 (I really like his song Joke, and I stand by that). I think part of my interest in him was because he spoke English during American interviews, so it was easier for me to find a connection. Besides that, trying to enter the BTS world felt, well, overwhelming. There’s just so much content to get through.

Fast forward quarantine 2020. It’s the end of April and I have been working from home since the beginning of March. Their carpool karaoke video with James Cordon shows up in my Youtube Recommended. The rest is history.

But seriously, that video is just so much fun, and it was really smart of the editors to include subtitles. Very few American shows will bother subtitling the members (at least early on), but they often say really interesting or funny things! I wound up watching that video every day for like two weeks. I then started watching them on other talk shows, which turned into watching interviews, to then their music videos, performances (hello Jungkook in the James Cordon Boy With Luv performance), funny compilations, and then other content, like Festa. One of the first videos I watched was their 2019 Festa. I had limited context for the members, and didn’t think I would actually watch an hour long video, but I did, and I enjoyed it.

My May became a whirlwind of watching their content and listening to their music. Part of me was hesitant to spend so much time losing myself in their content, but as I reasoned, I had the time, and I was enjoying myself. I remember honestly laughing so hard as I watched Run, and by this point in quarantine, I had very little to laugh about. BTS gave me a route to escapism, and I happily took it.

None of my friends are really into Kpop, but I felt so ecstatic as I fell deeper into this obsession. They would listen to me a little as I talked about them, but I did overall refrain from talking their ears off. (Now, whenever I do get to see them, I just give a simple update: “Still really into BTS, btw.”)

Point being, I devoured their content. Run, Bon Voyage, docuseries, concert footage, hell, I even watched American Hustle Life. As I learned more about them, I fell in awe of their success and individual stories. I’m honestly just so happy for them every day. I’m seriously amazed when I think about how much they have accomplished. About how hard they have worked, how many records they have broken, how insanely talented they are. They are truly global superstars, and they are changing the music industry, culture, and are leaving a huge mark in history. It’s just amazing. And what is also amazing, is that being happy for them makes me happy.

Being happy for other people and their successes is pretty standard for me, but it’s definitely a sentiment that has heightened this year. This is a year where we need to spread happiness, as hard as that can be sometimes. But, getting this invested in a band is a new thing for me.

I really appreciate their friendship and bond. I know it’s not realistic for them to be lovey-dovey BFFs all the time, but it is clear that they have an incredibly special, and rare bond. It’s something that I really admire. (The Vmin friendship was one of the first things I noticed, and led to me getting interested in the members personally). Being American, platonic intimacy isn’t really something I see a lot, at least on the mainstream level (and especially between men), and getting to see these men work together, laugh together, and express their love for each other is just so refreshing. I truly hope that they are happy with each other. It is so clear, that based on the crazy journey they have been through together, they have a bond that no one else will understand. They’ve said it themselves that, in certain moments, they can just look at one another and instantly know what they’re thinking. That is so valuable and special.

Their work energized me. I started working on a major project in May, and I felt inspired by them. They gave me the energy to push through. Seeing them be silly while also working hard also helped me to accept myself and be true to my weird nature. I used to be pretty shy and reserved, and never posted online, but I started to adopt Jin’s philosophy of just doing what you feel like. Honestly, I felt the most alive in the first few months of quarantine purely because of them and all the energy I invested in learning about them and received from them. (And it was a welcomed distraction from the real world.)

It’s maybe a bit strange getting practically new content every day, but I have found that between official content and social media, there is always something to look forward to. It’s a part of my daily routine to check tumblr and look for updates. It’s something that has been so helpful as my mental health started to decline around August (I’m sure that with quarantine we’re all in the same boat). These past few months have been hard for me as I’ve struggled with the effects of quarantine and a developing complicated relationship between me, food, and my body, but at least I have had BTS to look forward to.

And I guess that is the point of this. I could honestly go on and on about each member and how I feel a special resonance with Jimin based on his gender expression, or how proud I feel of Jungkook every time I hear him sing and express himself, or how Suga’s First Love stops me in my tracks every time I hear it, but I’ve gone on long enough. What I’ve realized recently is that BTS gives me something to look forward to.

This year has been bleak. We all know this. But what is strange is that even though I have had my fair share of struggles, I also had a lot of self-improvement. Those first few months of quarantine, the energy I received from BTS inspired me to work hard on my major project. I took up learning Korean (I really like learning languages and have been working on Italian for years. I highly recommend TalkToMeInKorean). I started working out every day and actually have stamina to do physical activity (something I was severely lacking). I made strides in my professional life and am working strongly and proactively toward my career goals. Of course, even though I have been technically successful, I still can’t but help feel aimless and lost due to the loss of connection with my friends and peers due to quarantine. As Christmas day was ending, I realized that I had been using the anticipation of the holiday to get me through December. Once it was over, I felt sad. What more did I have to look forward to? The world is still generally terrible. In America, we’re still reeling from our terrible political and covid situation.

But today I realized, oh, there’s still BTS. Maybe it’s silly to say, but it’s true. Yes, I have personal and career goals I’m working toward, but we have to admit there is something so unique and fun about following BTS. That week in October where they released performances and interviews every day on Jimmy Fallon, plus bangtang bombs, was one of the happiest weeks I had. Like I said, their happiness brings me happiness. I look forward to following their careers for as long as they’re active, as well as their solo projects and careers. Honestly, isn’t it exciting thinking about all the great things they will do in the future?

#bts #jikook #vmin #jimin #jungkook #rm #suga #jin #jhope #v #they just make me happy #i hope they make you happy to #happy new year!

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authorjoydragon · 3 years

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I saw a 2020 summary of works written and I decided to do one myself :)

2020 was rough, and I kind of had taken a step back from publishing even though I still was writing. (I only published ONE story in all of 2019! My bad!) I decided to start again about midway through 2020. And this year I had a new fandom to write about: Avatar the Last Airbender. I’ve always been in love with the show ATLA since it aired, and for some reason never delved into the fanfiction until recently. Maybe one day I’ll write for LOK as well. Voltron: Legendary Defenders of the Universe, and Miraculous Ladybug were old obsessions (or should I say ongoing obsessions) but I did post a couple there too. Anyways, here’s my list of posted works for 2020:

Zutara Week 2020- As the title suggests, this is seven picked prompts for the ship Zuko x Katara in ATLA. A non-canon ship that many people adore. Posted 7/24/20

Love Is Blind- This fluffy piece is also for ATLA but focuses more on the non-canon ship Toph x Aang. Posted 8/17/20

Colorful- A fluffy excerpt from the story above featuring Taang. Posted 9/24/20

Cause and Effect- A drama Voltron fic featuring the non-canon ship Lance x Keith. I’m still heartbroken they weren’t together in the end. Posted 9/24/20

The Cat’s Out of the Bag- A comedic take on Adrien accidentally revealing his superhero identity to the Dupain-Cheng family. Typical reveal fic for MLB. Posted 9/24/20 (as you can see I cleaned up some fics and cleared them out on this day 😂)

Almost Lovers- An ongoing angsty fic showcasing the breakup of Aang and Katara as Zuko unknowingly comes between them. Posted 9/28/20

Accidental Rendezvous- (M) a total smut fest featuring Zutara and drunk accidents. Posted 9/28/20

Fantasy Land- An almost crack-like fic of Aang traveling to his future and finding out his wife is Toph. Posted 10/21/20

Requited Love- An absolutely adorable drama fic of Toph and Aang pining for each other. Bonus of parental teasing. Posted 11/9/20

Taang Week 2020- Again, as the title suggests, this is a collection of given prompts featuring Taang. Overall very fluffy. Posted 11/11/20

The Universe is Unkind- A terribly sad fic featuring the non-canon (as far as we know) ship Toph x Sokka. Yes I am a multishiper. TW character deaths. This was one of the saddest things I’ve ever written. Posted 11/21/20

Prospects- A delightful collection of prompts featuring Zutara. (Some M) Includes the 2020 December Drabbles Challenge prompts. May possibly be posting more in the future. Posted 12/4/20

On The Precipice- An ongoing Taang story of the fluffiest fluff you have ever read. Gag worthy sweetness and pining. Posted 12/13/20

And that was my posting spree of the last half of 2020! As you can see, I am cursed to ship non-canon couples apparently. I will say MOST of this had already been in the works for months, but I sure did a heck of a lot of writing and publishing in the last few months. It feels good to create. I hope you all enjoyed my works!

#authorjoydragon #atlafic #voltron #miraculous ladybug #fanfiction #zutara fanfiction #taang fic #tokka fanfic #klance #marichat #adriennette #my writing #creating #2020 wrapped #2020 writing #zutara #Taang #sukka #atla

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thesassenachswiftie · 3 years

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Lover - Chapter 13: “Soon You’ll Get Better”

Read on AO3

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 8 // Chapter 9 // Chapter 10 // Chapter 11 // Chapter 12

Summary: Claire and Jo go Christmas shopping; Claire gets a call at work that Lamb’s in the hospital in Boston where she fears she will need to spend the holidays without Jamie. In short: angst, but make it festive.

" This won't go back to normal, if it ever was It's been years of hoping, and I keep saying it because 'Cause I have to

Ooh-ah, you'll get better..."

CW: cancer, hospitals, illness of a loved one,

Notes: First of all, if you’re still here, thank you for reading, and thank you for bearing with me as I took a small hiatus. Hopefully I will be getting back to a more regular posting schedule, but work is really draining right now and it’s hard to find enough hours in the day to do everything.

As you know, each Chapter of this fic is based off a Taylor Swift song by the same name. This one was particularly difficult to write/approach because I actually haven’t listened to this song in over a year. In early Summer 2019, a tumor was found on my grandfather’s brain. This was also the summer I discovered Outlander, and the summer Taylor Swift released Lover. The day after Lover came out, I broke down sobbing in my apartment listening to this song and thinking about my grandfather, knowing his condition was worsening. That night, I recieved the call that my grandfather had passed. He was the kindest, purest soul and I write this chapter in part as a tribute to him. Many of the experiences Claire and Lamb share are based on my own experiences with my grandpa that summer, and this version of Lamb is very much based on my Grandpa Jim.

That being said, you may want to grab a box of tissues before reading, but hopefully not all your tears will be sad. I’m hoping to post again before Chistmas, but in case I don’t Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays--and Happy Hanukkah to any Jewish readers I may have--here is a Hanukkah present for you!

Chapter 13: “Soon You’ll Get Better”

“All I want for Christmas is yooouuuuu” the sounds of Mariah Carey rang out throughout the small boutique gift shop in the heart of the village of Northport.

“Good God, we’re only a week into December and I swear I’ve already heard this song three hundred times. I’m not exaggerating either. Two hundred and eight-four at the very least.” Jo scoffed exasperatedly.

“Are you complaining?” Claire asked in reply. “It’s a great song--a classic really.”

“Do you know how many incredible, amazing, beautiful, jolly Christmas songs there are in existence?” Jo was gearing up for one of their famous rants, “Yet, the radio stations only ever play the same eighteen songs, I swear!”

“It must be more than eighteen.”

“Fine. Twenty. Take this song for instance: Ingrid Michaelson has the most hauntingly beautiful cover of it--do you ever hear it? No! You only ever hear Mariah!”

“I, for one, like Mariah!” Claire interjected, playfully defensive.

“Who doesn’t? But she’s not the only powerhouse female vocalist out there! I’d just like to see a little diversity in my holiday music, is that so much to ask?”

Claire giggled. Her best friend always had an opinion on everything and she loved them all the more for it. “Do you think Jenny would like this candle?” Claire unscrewed the lid a locally-made jar candle, taking a sniff before placing it under Jo’s nose. It smelled like Lavender and Sage with just a hint of Eucalyptus.

“Does Jenny keep a lot of candles around, with all those children?” Jo chuckled back. “It does smell nice though.” Jo had only met Jenny a couple times when visiting Claire, but they had a knack for reading people and Claire was glad to have them along as a shopping partner.

“I suppose candles aren’t really her thing. Jenny seems very practical, but I don’t know what she would need that she doesn’t already have, and Jamie’s been no help!”

“I think you’re on the right track with the self-care/relaxation vibe, but maybe not something the children can use to burn the house down. What about an artisanal lotion set?” Jo inquired, gesturing at a nearby display.

“Oh that might work!” Claire took a squirt from the bottle labeled ‘tester’ inhaling deeply as she rubbed it between her palms. “Ooo that’s nice, I would appreciate this if I were a hardworking mother.”

“If things keep going the way they are with your man, LJ, you might just be before you know it” Jo made a lewd gesture with their hands, raising their eyebrows to make it clear exactly what they were implying.

“Jo! You’re terrible” Claire shrieked, smacking her friend playfully on the arm. Besides, not much of that happening these days if you haven’t noticed, Jamie is literally across the ocean.”

“Well, at least you can’t get knocked up from phone sex,” Jo replied. “What are you getting him anyway? I’m thinking something lacy and strappy, with little bows on it of course, to be festive. There’s a place down the street that might have something like that.”

“Hmm” Claire exhaled. “We’ll see.” Claire knew lingerie was definitely going to be part of Jamie’s Christmas gift, one she would be most excited for him to unwrap. God, she missed him. It had been over a month and they were settling into a routine, video chatting every night, sweet texts back and forth throughout the day, the occasional phone sex when they were both sick with desire for one other--but nothing was the same as the feel of their bodies pressed against each other in the heat of the moment, chasing each other’s climax. Claire couldn’t wait to be reunited with him in every way.

It was two days before Christmas break, only a few days left until Claire would find freedom for the next ten days and, most of all--the comfort of Jamie’s arms. Claire was sitting in her school nurse’s office, inhaling deeply during the first quiet moments she’d had all week. There was an uptick of student visits in the past couple weeks--a few were legitimate concerns tied to cold and flu season: students whose parents sent them to school when they weren’t quite well enough, overachievers who wanted to maintain their perfect attendance dragging themselves to school despite their bodies protestations. Most of her patients however, were suffering from something much more insidious: the eagerness to start their winter break early by skipping their classes. This time of year the air of the school felt different, students and teachers alike were burnt out, apathetic, and ready for a break. This attitude in the students fed into the teachers’ attitudes--overworked with the end of the marking period, trying to squeeze in Christmas shopping and decorating between grading. Claire did not envy Jo nor any of the other teachers during this time, but their exhaustion was so palpable in the air of the school that she was starting to feel it too. By tomorrow, most teachers would be shutting their doors and playing a holiday film, giving up on instruction all together--hopefully that would make for a quiet day for Claire. Really, if she could just get through the rest of the day it would be smooth sailing until Christmas--until Jamie.

Her silent musings were broken by the blaring sound of her office phone. She was expecting a teacher, calling to send a student down, but instead it was the school clerk, Glenda. “Hi Nurse Beauchamp, we have an outside call for you, it seems like it may be a personal call so if there’s any students with you we can send someone down to watch them if you’d like to take it privately here in the office.”

Claire's heart sank to her stomach. What could it be? She took a deep breath and swallowed to brace herself before replying “last student just left.”

“Alright, I’ll transfer you now.” The click of the call transferring sounded through the phone.

“Hello, this is Miss Beauchamp”

“Hello Miss Beauchamp, I’m Tammy, a nurse at Mass General we’re calling because you’re listed as the emergency contact for Quentin Beauchamp” a nasally voice croaked through the phone speaker--the voice was impersonal like that of a cashier saying “have a nice day” for the thousandth time, not fitting of a potential harbinger of death.

“Yes…” Claire replied, nervously, questioningly.

“Mr. Lambert was admitted this morning after showing signs of cognitive distress. An initial cat scan shows a mass on his brain. He’s currently undergoing testing to see if it’s cancerous.”

Claire’s lungs felt like they were about to collapse. Lamb had been diagnosed with prostate cancer several years ago, but had been able to live with it through treatment. Claire also knew that cancer was insidious and could spread throughout the body rapidly and without warning. She knew it was very likely that the mass was cancer. She tried to find her medical professional voice, but a diagnosis was different when it was someone you loved. Instead, she croaked out, “when will you know?”

“We should have the results by tomorrow. He’ll stay here overnight for monitoring and we’ll decide whether to admit him long term from there.”

“I’m on Long Island, should I drive up?”

“I’m afraid it’s too soon to tell, it could be nothing, but--” Claire cut her off, knowing exactly how bad it could be.

“I understand. I’ll drive up this evening.”

“Alright, he should be back in his room by then, he’s out getting his tests done now. It’s room 713 when you get here.” Claire wrote the number on a bright blue sticky note on her desk as the nurse spoke. “Have a nice day Ms. Beauchamp”

“Hmm” was all she could reply, as if she could possibly have a nice day. She hung up the phone, and finally let the deluge of tears she’d been holding back free.

She allowed herself to cry for a few minutes to get it out, but she knew she had to get to Boston as soon as possible. She picked up the phone again and dialed the main office.

“Hi Glenda, it’s Claire. I need to take the rest of the day off--I have to go to Boston, my uncle…” she couldn’t say it out loud for fear of unleashing the tears again “Is Principal Gowan there, I need to let him know.”

“Oh Nurse Beauchamp, I’m so sorry to hear that, let me know if you need anything. Mr. Gowan’s in his office, I’ll transfer you to him now, if he doesn’t answer just pack up your things and go, I’ll take care of it”

“Thanks Glenda, I really appreciate it”

----------

After getting the ok from her kind and understanding principal, Claire rushed back to Jamie’s apartment, hastily packed a bag (likely forgetting several things), informed Jenny where she was going--which was met with sympathy and genuine concern--and hopped back in the car for the journey to Boston. She entered the hospital doors several hours later, the buttons of her coat were tangled in her hair as she rushed, breathless, to the front desk to receive her visitor’s pass.

When she arrived at Lamb’s room, he was asleep. She didn’t want to wake him, but she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze to let him know she was there before settling into the armchair beside him to await his awakening. He looked so frail and small in the hospital bed, not at all like the strong, spirited man who had raised her. He had left the television on--some sports channel was playing a highlight reel of various golfing moments. No wonder Lamb fell asleep. Claire was staring at the screen, but her thoughts were elsewhere: worried about Lamb, wondering if she’d remember everything when she hastily packed, wondering what the future held. Would she have to spend Christmas in this hospital room? A golf ball soared across the Scottish Highlands on the screen. Jamie. Jamie was coming home Christmas Eve, she was supposed to pick him up from the airport, supposed to spend her holiday break with him, experience her first Hogmanay with the Murray family, be surrounded by love and laughter and family. Lamb was supposed to be fine, he was supposed to take the train down, spend Christmas with them. Every plan they had made was shattered into a million pieces. Would she even be able to see Jamie? She thought about the presents she’d bought for him, not yet wrapped, piled in the closet but definitely not hidden, especially considering it was his apartment. Of course he’d understand--she could tell him where they were, but the magic of unwrapping would be lost, it would feel entirely unsentimental. It was bad enough that she felt her gifts weren’t sentimental enough--what could she possibly get him to show how special he was to her? How could she communicate that with an object? If she were a painter she would paint him a painting, if she were a songwriter she would write him a song, but she was simply Claire, and practical gifts were all she knew. She had purchased a cozy blue sweater to match his eyes and keep him warm in the brisk London winters, a cool multi-tool the size of a credit card that would fit in his wallet and help him solve a variety of problems, a protective case for his phone, and a box of artisanal beef jerky. She had also procured a complicated piece of lingerie with a big red bow across the chest for him to unwrap the night of Christmas, which she knew he would enjoy. Everything was thoughtful enough and mostly practical, but she longed to be able to give him something truly special--a grand gesture to match her feelings for him. Claire glanced back at her uncle and immediately felt guilty being so selfish. I hate to make this all about me. Lamb always had a knack for helping her realize what was important when life’s situations overwhelmed her. She needed him for perspective, but how could she talk to him about this? How could she tell him how she felt? She knew it was wrong, but she was mad at him for getting sick so close to Christmas. Who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do if there’s no you? The tears were welling up in her eyes as she watched her most beloved uncle sleep--hooked up to machines, pale and listless in the hospital bed.

Claire slipped into the adjoining bathroom to try to compose herself--she didn’t want her uncle to wake up and see her upset, she knew he would try to comfort her, to be the rock he always had been for her. She was here to be his rock this time, she needed to stay strong for him. She looked at herself in the mirror, telling herself it was going to be ok--her uncle was strong and he’d been fighting a long time--he’d continue to fight. Soon you’ll get better. She had to convince herself it was true, pretend it wasn’t real, it wasn’t so bad. She knew it was a delusion, she could see it all over her glass face when she looked in the mirror. She was genuinely afraid that this could be when she lost him, if not physically right away, he could be lost mentally. She’d been hoping for years he would get better, but now it seemed he’d taken a turn for the worse. She took a few deep breaths and offered up a prayer. She wasn’t usually religious, but they say desperate people find faith, so she decided it was time to try. God? Jesus? Whoever is up there. I know I don’t much deserve anything from you, I’m not sure I’m exactly on good terms with you, but I’m inclined to believe you care and you are good. Besides, I’m not really asking anything for myself, not really. I just pray my Uncle is ok, I pray he gets better. He has to. Please don’t take his brilliant mind away from him. Please let him be ok. Please, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever it takes to help him. Just please, please, don’t take him away from me. I need him. Please let him get better. Please let him get better. Claire continued to repeat the words like a mantra as she returned to her bedside chair. She stared at the collection of orange bottles on the tray table. Please let them help him get better. Please let him get better. Please, please, please let him get better.

Claire had no idea how long she sat there, repeating those words to herself, but her silent appeal was interrupted when a nurse entered the room to check her uncle’s vitals.

�� “Hi, I’m Brenda, I’ll be the nurse on duty tonight.” Brenda erased a name on a small whiteboard in front of the room and replaced it with her own.

“I’m Claire, I’m his niece.”

Brenda had made her way over to the other side of the bed and was checking the monitors beside the bed, making notes on the chart in her hand. “I hate waking them up, but I’m going to have to.” Claire was glad that she was much kinder than the nurse she had spoken with on the phone earlier—had that really been earlier? It seemed much longer since that phone call. “Excuse me, Quentin? Sir?” Brenda gently nudged his arm to awaken him. Lamb’s eyes fluttered open and he looked disoriented, Claire watched him carefully hoping that his disorientation was solely from being awoken mid-sleep and not from any neurological damage.

“Hi Uncle Lamb” Claire stammered, hoping she sounded cheerful anyway.

“Claire! My girl! You came all the way to see your old uncle!”

“Of course I did! How are you?” she replied warmly.

“Oh, I’m fine, they’re taking good care of me here.” Lamb’s voice sounded genuinely content and Claire felt comforted for the first time since the hospital had called her earlier that day.

“Hello sir, my name’s Brenda, I’ll be your nurse tonight. I just need to ask you a few questions and check your vitals.”

“What is your name?”

“Quentin Lambert Beauchamp”

“Good. When is your birthday?

“March 23th, 1939”

“Good, and who is the president?”

“Well, unfortunately…” both Claire and Brenda giggled at how Lamb began his sentence. Claire was well aware of Lamb’s opinions of the current president of the United States, and was glad to see he hadn’t lost his sly sense of humor or his disdain for the man. She was also glad he knew who the president was, hopefully his mental capacities were more promising than the worst-case-scenario her mind was conjuring.

----------

Claire stayed by her uncle’s side for the rest of the night, only leaving the room twice, once to find something to eat from a vending machine, and once for her nightly call to Jamie. She allowed herself to break down when talking to Jamie, sobbing over the phone. Jamie did his best to comfort her through the speaker, desperately wishing he could be there for her in person. Claire wished the same, longing to curl up in his strong embrace, and bury her swollen face in his chest. She couldn’t bring up the fact that she might have to spend Christmas in Boston. She was enough of a mess without facing the reality that they wouldn’t see each other, and when Jamie promised they’d see each other soon at the end of their call, Claire hung up quickly as another wave of emotion overtook her and she buried her face in her hands to cry some more.

The next morning, the doctor came in with Lamb’s results. Claire grasped Lamb’s hand, unsure of who was holding onto whom for comfort as the doctor explained that the mass on Lamb’s brain was in fact cancerous, but it was still relatively small and had been caught early. He explained that they could operate on it and remove it, however there was no guarantee that it wouldn’t come back or that they’d be able to get it all out. It was moments like these where Claire desperately wished she was already a surgeon, that she could feel in control of the outcome--though could she operate on her own uncle? Would she be able to hold her hand steady enough to do a good job? No, perhaps it was best left to the veteran surgeons in Boston.

After discussing all the details and options with the doctor’s, Lamb decided to go through with the surgery. It was scheduled for the day after Christmas and Claire resigned herself to the sobering fact that she’d be spending the holidays in the hospital. As the florescent hospital lights lit the room with an unnatural glow, Claire couldn’t tell him she was scared. She had to stay strong, she had to keep it together and remain positive and supportive.

----------

Claire spent the next few days devoted to her uncle, rarely leaving his bedside. Lamb had forced her to spend the nights at his apartment, which was probably for the best. She wasn’t sleeping well to begin with and the recliner at the hospital was only making matters worse. Claire was present and doting on him from morning to night though, helping her uncle order his meals, assisting him when he needed to use the restroom, adding and removing pillows and blankets as needed, or anything else he needed or wanted. Lamb had been moved to the cancer floor, and the window of his new room had a nice view of the Boston skyline. Lamb was making the best of a bad deal, he bragged about his ‘luxury accommodations’, he cracked jokes often, he liked the nicer nurses, he ordered extra dessert with all his meals and was in generally pleasant spirits. Claire could see the cracks in his cognition though. Sometimes he would change the topic he was discussing mid-sentence, and he couldn’t seem to keep time straight. Whenever anyone would mention Christmas, he would act surprised to know that it was coming up, and at one point he hinted at Claire that she might just get those roller skates she wanted for Christmas, a gift she had not asked for since she was eleven years old. He didn’t seem to know what year it was or how old Claire was. He did know who Claire was though, and for that she was thankful. He also knew who the president was whenever the nurses asked, always beginning his answer with a short preamble to make known his disdain.

Before they knew it, it was Christmas Eve and Claire couldn’t hide the sadness she felt on her face. She was glad to spend the evening with Lamb, but she had been looking forward to her first big family Christmas. She had filled in Jamie about Lamb’s condition and her subsequent stay in Boston over the course of their phone calls that week. She had also describe the Christmas gifts she had purchased for the Murrays, Jo, and Lamb, so Jamie would know the rest were for him. Jamie had agreed to put the Murrays gifts in gift bags and distribute them for her. They were meant to exchange family gifts that evening, the morning being reserved for Santa, and Claire was heartbroken to be missing out. In a matter of hours, and for the first time in two months, her and Jamie would be on the same continent, yet they wouldn’t be able to see each other. There was no way Claire could get into the Christmas spirit under these conditions. The hospital, despite being modestly decorated, was not the most festive atmosphere. Even a troop of Girl Scouts caroling their way through the hospital halls did nothing to assuage the weight of losing everything Claire had been looking forward to for the past two months.

“What’s a matter, my dear?” Lamb asked, showing genuine concern for his niece.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine, I promise, I’m just wishing things were different today.”

“Why today? Is it something special? I can’t seem to remember.”

“It’s Christmas Eve. You were supposed to come to Long Island and meet Jamie. We were going to spend the holiday with his family.”

“Yes, I remember, that’s today? Oh dear, I haven’t gotten your gift yet I’m afraid.”

“That’s fine, Lamb, I’m afraid I left your gift at home, so we’ll have to do that part later. We can take a raincheck on gift exchanging. I was just really looking forward to you getting to know Jamie.”

“I’m sure I’ll meet the lad soon; he seems really special to you.”

“He is; I know you’ll like him.”

“I already do.” He patted the top of her hand and turned his attention back to the sitcom on the television, providing humorous commentary to try to cheer Claire up.

----------

It was late Christmas morning. Uncle Lamb was napping again and Claire had switched the television to the Hallmark Channel--usually her guilty pleasure this season, today it was simply reminding her of how her Christmas was proving to be less than magical. For her there would be no Christmas kisses, no magical snowfall, no saving the small town family business or learning to love Christmas again. All that awaited her this Christmas were fluorescent lights, beeping monitors, and nurses visiting every 6 hours to check her uncle’s vitals. This Christmas would be decidedly the most un-magical she had ever experienced. She had had her share of unconventional Christmases in the past, in fact, she never really was a Christmas person, but it had started to feel special to her when she was living in New York. This Christmas though--this was one she was looking forward to more than ever before. Claire spent most of the morning crying, grieving over all she was missing. She should have spent the morning curled up in Jamie’s arms, watching the children open presents. She could picture the Murray’s living room, trashed with colorful wrapping paper from end to end, each child in their own private world fascinated by their latest favorite toy, Jenny and Ian beaming through tired eyes.

Claire was surprised Jamie hadn’t called her to fill her in on the details yet. He had called yesterday when his plane arrived--groggy and jet-lagged, his communication skills were not the most eloquent, but he tried his best to make her feel better. She hadn’t heard from him at all this morning though, not even a Merry Christmas text. Surely the jet lag would have woken him up as early as the children, and they must have been done opening presents by now. Claire tried to rationalize that Jamie was just spending time with his family, but she couldn’t help feeling hurt and ignored. She thought she was important enough to him that he could take a moment away from his family to at least text her, or to find some way to make her feel included from afar. Had his feelings changed in their months apart? Did coming home to a messy apartment turn him off? Did she find his Christmas gifts and come to think she didn’t care enough to get him something more thoughtful? She thought about calling him, but a mixture of pride and fear kept her from acting first, not to mention she couldn’t stop crying over these sappy Christmas movies.

Suddenly, a voice from the doorway rang through the room, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!” Claire looked up in confusion, momentarily unable to comprehend her surroundings and the disruption that had just entered them. Santa? No. The tall figure filling the door frame was dressed like Santa, beard and all, but the unmistakable Scottish burr gave away his true identity. If Claire hadn’t already been crying, she certainly was now. Jamie was standing in the doorway, dressed in a Santa suit, carrying a large, blue IKEA bag overflowing with wrapped presents and what appeared to be Christmas decorations.

“What?” Claire could hardly believe he was there, she rose from the chair and the couple met in the middle of the room for a hearty embrace. Claire buried her face in the soft, fluffy suit covering Jamie’s chest, sobbing uncontrollably. Perhaps the setting wasn’t a snow covered street in a small town, but this was her own Hallmark movie moment--and to be honest, those Hallmark guys had nothing on James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser. Jamie held her close, and tight, planting kisses in her curls and whispering softly to her.

“I’m here, mo nighean donn.” He caressed her shoulders with his thumbs, not releasing his embrace in the slightest, breathing in her scent, trying to absorb her fears and pain.

All of the commotion had awoken Uncle Lamb and after witnessing the couples’ embrace for longer than was comfortable, Lamb loudly cleared his throat to remind them of his presence in the room.

“Uncle Lamb!” Claire unfolded herself from Jamie’s embrace, keeping one arm around his back. Jamie sheepishly pulled the fake beard down around his neck to reveal his face and removed his Santa hat, clutching it tightly in the palm that wasn’t holding Claire. “This is Jamie, my Jamie. Jamie, this is my Uncle Lamb.”

“Well, I’m certainly glad it’s not Santa Claus, or we’d have a lot of explaining to do to the lad!” Lamb chuckled back.

“A pleasure to finally meet you, sir.” Jamie reluctantly released Claire from his grasp to step beside the bed, extending a firm but gentle hand to Lamb. “I’m sorry it’s not under better circumstances.”

“Pleased to meet you as well, lad” Lamb replied, patting Jamie’s hand with his before releasing their handshake. “And don’t you worry about me, I have the best nurse there is taking care of me.” Two sets of proudly smiling eyes met Claire across the room.

“Oh I dinna doubt it for a second. Your niece is a rare woman.”

“Glad to see we’re in agreement. Now what’s all that?” Lamb gestured towards the large tote discarded near Claire’s feet.

“Aye, I thought I’d bring you two a bit o’ holiday cheer.” Jamie pulled a large cardboard box from the bag and extracted a small tabletop Christmas tree from it, unfurling each branch carefully and placing it on the countertop across the room, plugging it in to reveal fiber optic lights changing colors dreamily. “I usually insist on my Christmas trees being more, well, alive, but under the circumstances this’ll have tae do.” Jamie and Claire spent the next half hour or so festooning the room in garlands and placing tiny ornaments on the small tree. Claire tried to ignore that more than half of the bag was filled with brightly wrapped gifts, not sure whether she was hoping they were all for her, or hoping that they weren’t. After all, she didn’t have anything to give him and she didn’t know if he had looked through his gifts yet nor if he had appreciated them.

While they decorated, Jamie filled Claire and Lamb in on the events of the last few days. Jamie had called Jenny to tell her not to bother picking him up from the airport. He had planned on renting a car there and driving straight to Boston. Claire could hear Jenny’s voice loud and clear through Jamie’s imitation “ya clotheid! Have ya gone daft? Yer barely able to form coherent sentences amidst the jet lag from yer Christmas Eve flight, and ya wanna drive five hours tae Boston in that state!?! Claire willna appreciate ya ending up in a ditch on the side of the road as a Christmas present ya eejit!” Jenny had made a fair point, and Jamie had agreed to sleep at home and left shortly after he awoke that morning, staying only long enough for the children to open their stockings, and to watch their faces alight with surprise at the sudden appearance of piles of presents under and around the tree.

“I’m glad you took Jenny’s advice, but most of all I’m glad you’re here.” She embraced him again. “You didn’t have to do this though, Jamie, I know how important your family is to you.”

Jamie stepped back and lifted Claire’s chin with his thumb, looking into her eyes. “You are important to me, Sassenach.” he replied, with a sincerity that penetrated Claire’s heart. Claire responded by kissing Jamie chastely on the cheek, knowing her uncle was only four feet away--politely trying to ignore them and watch the television which he had flipped to an all-day marathon of A Christmas Story on repeat. Jamie’s welcome intrusion broke up the monotony of hospital life and seemed to give Lamb a better sense of what day it was.

“Now that we’ve got the place looking good and festive, I believe it’s traditional to exchange gifts on Christmas day.”

“Jamie, it’s too much, I--”

“Oh? Thought they were all for you, didja Sassenach?” he teased. Claire blushed. Of course; she hadn’t really--but who else would they be for? Surely Jamie wouldn’t spoil Lamb, a complete stranger to him, quite so much, and no one else was there. She looked dumbfounded as she tried to come up with a defense but Jamie stopped her. “Dinna fash, Sassenach, Jenny wrapped your gifts for me and Lamb before I could see and I bought them along too. She thanks ya for the wee lotions, by the way.”

“God bless Jenny! That woman is a Saint.” Claire also silently thanked God that she had left the present she was planning on wearing for Jamie that evening in her dresser drawer, that was not a gift she wanted Jenny to see, and was definitely not something she wanted him to be opening in front of her uncle.

The three exchanged gifts, save Lamb, who had nothing to give but smiles and approval for the young couples’ thoughtful gifts. Jamie was genuinely appreciative of Claire’s gifts, although she kept insisting that she hadn’t finished shopping and there was more to come; to which Jamie humbly rejected, claiming it wasn’t necessary. Jamie’s gifts to Claire were thoughtful and meaningful, the most touching ones being a print of a painting of the rose garden he had ordered from the Botanic Garden’s gift shop and a bracelet engraved with the words perennis amor, which caused Claire to tear up and embrace him tenderly in spite of her uncle’s presence.

The three enjoyed the rest of the day thoroughly. A Christmas Story played in the background and they laughed and shared stories with one another. Jamie was a born storyteller and Lamb was elated to have a fresh audience to recount his many adventures to, so conversation flowed naturally between them, with Claire occasionally interjecting. Claire mostly just sat back and admired the two men who were most important to her, filled with joy that they were getting along, that Jamie was there, that it was Christmas. For the first time in several days she had hope and peace. She was surrounded by love in that hospital room as well. She had all the things Christmas was said to bring, and for that she was grateful. Jamie had made her greatest Christmas wishes come true without her even asking and she felt lucky to be alive.

The hospital staff served their version of Christmas dinner for the small family, and while Claire was sure it paled in comparison to whatever Jenny had made, it was quite delicious, especially considering it was hospital food. Jamie ate in the armchair next to Lamb at Claire’s insistence, since the two were deep in conversation, and Claire sat in the chair on the other side of Jamie, taking in her magical Christmas scene, better than any Hallmark movie could depict.

After dinner, Jamie was fading fast, listening to one of Lamb’s stories with heavy eyes. She took one of the spare blankets and covered Jamie. “Looks like you’re still not over your jet lag”

“Hrmmphh, I ‘spose not.”

“Do you want me to go get you a coffee? I doubt the cafe downstairs is open today, but there’s a cappuccino vending machine a few floors down that isn’t terrible.”

“Aye Sassenach, that’d be bonny. If it’s not too much trouble.”

“None at all, my love, I’ll be back soon.” Claire squeezed his hand before leaving the two men alone.

Jamie listened to her footsteps down the hall, and waited until he heard the ding of the elevator before he cleared his throat to speak frankly to Lamb. He sat up straight in the chair to ward off the sleepiness, having a few important things he wanted to say before Claire came back.

“Lamb, I need you to know, Claire is the most important person in my life. I love her sae much and I’d do anything for her.”

“I’m glad to hear that, I can see how happy you make her. She lights up when you’re around, it comforts my old heart to see.”

“I need you tae know, I’m very serious about her. I ken we haven’t been together that long, but I know--I know deep in my wame that I’m meant tae be hers. I want ya to know that I intend on spending the rest of my life making her happy, and while I havna bought a ring or ennathing yet, I wanted to ask yer blessing” Jamie paused for a moment before adding, “just in case.”

“Of course you have my blessing, son. I couldn’t be more glad to know that Claire will be so well cared for after I’m gone, truly.” Both men looked somber, knowing full well that this could be their last conversation, hoping dearly that it wasn’t. Claire returned with three cappuccinos in hand, surprised by the mood in the room.

“Everything alright, gentlemen? Don’t tell me Ralphie shot his eye out!”

“Och! Everything’s fine, Claire! I’m just tired is all, I’m sure this wee cappuccino will cure me in no time!” replied Jamie, eagerly taking a cup from Claire as she set another on Lamb’s tray table. The rest of the evening was quiet as Jamie took a nap, while Lamb and Claire watched A Christmas Story more intently then they had all day. Claire didn’t want to leave him alone so early on Christmas so she let Jamie nap until Lamb was asleep soundly for the night. The sense of joy she had felt all day was still present, but the nagging worry she felt about Lamb’s coming surgery was starting to settle in as well. Claire woke Jamie gently and Claire whispered softly to Lamb that they’d return in the morning, squeezing his hand before the couple quietly left the room.

----------

They walked out to Jamie’s car, since he still had his stuff packed in it, but Claire drove them back to Lamb’s apartment where she’d been staying. The cappuccino was helping Jamie stay coherent, but he was in no state to drive. They were quiet on the drive home, but kept their hands locked between the seats, grateful just to be in the presence of one another.

When they arrived at Lamb’s apartment, Jamie was so tired, he didn’t even want to brush his teeth, let alone do any of his usual nightly routines. However, he had spent the morning sweating in a polyester Santa suit over his clothes, and although he took it off shortly after his surprise arrival, he felt in need of a shower. Claire showed him where the bathroom was and made sure he had everything he needed, and got herself ready for bed.

Jamie showered quickly, not bothering to wash his hair, and only cleaning the parts of his body where any stench would be most concentrated, figuring the water would take care of the rest. A few minutes later, he emerged from the bathroom with a towel around his waist, ready to collapse into bed, but not before embracing his sorcha. He scooped her into his embrace and she buried her face in his bare, firm chest, warm from the shower. He smelled clean, and fresh and most of like Jamie. “I’m so happy you’re with me, Jamie. You have no idea how much it means to me that you’re here.” the emotions of the day hit her again and her voice caught at the end of her sentence as tears filled her eyes once again. Jamie kissed her forehead softly, down to her nose, and landed on her lips, giving her the firm, passionate kiss they’d both been longing for all day--and for months before that.

“Mo cridhe.” Jamie breathed when they separated. “I’m here. I’ll always be here for you. I’ll no’ leave you alone when ya need me.”

“Oh Jamie” Claire was still crying, “I’ve been so worried. I’ve been trying to stay strong for Lamb, but I feel like this won’t go back to normal--if there ever was a normal with him. I’m scared he’s going to get worse, or--” her sentence dissolved into a fit of sobs, which she tried to stifle on Jamie’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to stay strong when you’re with me. I’ll be here to help you shoulder the burden. I’ll be here to soak up your tears. There’s two of us now, Claire.” He pressed a kiss into her curls. “You can feel your feelings now, mo cridhe. Lay your cares on me. Come now, let’s get ya tae bed. I’m no’ sure how much longer I can stand myself.”

Claire fell asleep wrapped safely in Jamie’s embrace, free to be herself fully. Free to be vulnerable she felt safe, she felt loved, she felt comfortable, and most new to her--she felt she had the hope and strength that she could carry on, no matter what was to come. She slept better than she had in weeks, secure in the embrace of her eternal love.

End Notes: Thanks again for reading!! By the way, the Ingrid Michaelson song Jo mentions is hauntingly beautiful and you should listen to it. Also, I hope you liked Jamie's surprise. This was going to be a lot more angsty of a chapter but Jamie refused to let Claire suffer and had other plans. I know this was full of a lot of emotional ups and downs, and hopefully we can all find some comfort in the fact that just because Christmas/the holidays may look different for a lot of us this year, it can still be special, and there's still light, joy, love, hope, and peace to be found in the midst of the darkness.

39 notes · View notes

violetwolfraven · 4 years

Note

41 for javid would work so perfectly ahfkfjxhsga and/or 34, whichever one u want 🥺🥺🥺

I was scared to come out and ask you out because I didn’t know our entire friend group was gay but I definitely know now???

and

We broke up but I found the letters you wrote me before that and I still love you so wanna get back together? (did I copy this from one specific fic I read? Possibly.)

Ok! Buckle in your seatbelts, y’all! This is gonna be a MASSIVELY LONG THING! Also @61-flaming-sour-cherry-scones I love your url. Just getting that out there. Modern AU, btw. Also does this end in December, 2019, conveniently avoiding COVID? Possibly! :)

...

Jack didn’t mean to find that box, but in his defense, it was not hidden well. Just in the back of his closet, which he hadn’t cleaned out since... damn. Since the breakup.

And Jack was fine with said breakup, by the way. Him and Davey weren’t right together anymore.

And Jack didn’t smile less, or work himself harder as a distraction, or whatever bullshit his brothers, mom, and all his friends said.

If Davey never texted first anymore, or barely even talked when friends asked him to hang out or whatever, that was none of Jack’s business.

Jack had texted Davey exactly once since the breakup, because Elmer had told him that he had an anxiety attack in a bar, which he was only there in the first place because he was designated driver.

Davey had said he was fine, and that meant he was, right?

Davey had not mentioned anything about leaving a shoebox in Jack’s closet. As a matter of fact, he hadn’t mentioned it, ever.

Did it sting that Jack’s ex had kept a secret box of... something? from him? Maybe. Whatever the case, Jack was curious by nature, and he was definitely opening the box.

It was... letters? Sealed letters in envelopes, the earliest one on the very top, in one corner of the box. The only thing written on it was a date; September 7th, 2011.

That would be... 8th grade? Probably the first day of school? Jack was super confused. Still, he opened the letter.

Dear Jack Kelly,

I know this is terrible and corny and I’m probably going to shred this letter with the pocket knife Sarah got for our last birthday, but I had to write it down somewhere.

I think I’m gay. Specifically, gay for you. And I know that’s weird, I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re like the living personification of the moon. (Not the sun. I’ve never understood why people compare their crush to the sun. Nobody likes looking directly at that.) You saw me sitting alone before school and you took me in. I mean it. You brought me over to your friend group and said I was a new kid who was going to be your friend now, and the whole group just adopted me without questioning it. All of you are so nice. At first I thought it was a trick, but then I saw you comforting Blink when he had a panic attack. (Also, I’m still getting used to the nickname thing. That’s still weird and I’m not sure how I feel about the one you gave me.) You were so gentle with him, Jack. You knew exactly how to calm him down and you were so patient with him while you helped Mush drive the fear away. I didn’t think boys our age knew how to be like that. I do now, because of you. Well, and because of Race being, well, Race. I don’t think anyone could mistake him for a bully. Or Crutchie. Or Romeo. Heck, most of your group is just so nice I can barely believe it. I think I’ll bring Saz to meet you tomorrow. She already made a friend, but she said that this girl, Katherine, said she already knows you. Maybe we can all be friends.

I really wish we could be more, but I know that would never work. I can’t tell anyone I’m gay. You’d think I’m a freak. But since you’ll never read this, I can admit it here: I have a massive crush on you, Jack Kelly.

Sincerely, David Davey

Jack was not going to let himself cry about a letter written in 8th fucking grade. He was, however, very confused about why it was in his closet.

A letter from before Davey was out of the closet found in the closet. If Jack wasn’t so goddamn depressed, he would appreciate the irony.

The next letter was dated: September 24th, 2011.

Dear Jack,

We’re all friends now. Gotta say, I already can’t imagine my life without you and the other guys. And maybe I didn’t meet Kath that first day, but she’s probably my best friend, besides you, of course. She’s the only other one with brain cells, besides maybe Specs. Us three had to talk you and the others out of riding a shopping cart Albert stole from Walmart down a hill yesterday. Honestly, would it kill you to be a little smarter? I know for a fact you can be, Jack Kelly. You and the others actually have a fair amount of brain cells each when apart. It’s only when the only group gets together that you all do stupid stuff.

I didn’t shred the first letter. I think maybe I’ll keep these and we can look back someday and laugh about me having a crush on you in middle school. Don’t worry. I’ll find a way to get over it before it ruins our friendship.

I honestly don’t see how I’d survive losing you, Jack. So, please, do me a favor and keep being oblivious to how I really feel about you until I digest those butterflies you give me.

Sincerely, Davey

Damn. Reading that was like a punch to the chest and Jack had to take a deep breath before moving on to the next letter.

The next few were just mundane stuff. Little notes on how Jack laughed or interacted with certain friends or whatever. The way he painted each friend something little for the holidays and how they all had a picnic potluck for Thanksgiving.

Then he got to one that was different: January 22nd, 2012. It was written in a panicked, hurried script.

Oh, damn. Jack remembered what this was about. What happened January of 8th grade.

Dear Jack,

Something’s wrong. You’re on my couch right now, crying. I don’t know what’s going on, but you’re trying to put on a brave face for Les and failing miserably. Medda didn’t have time to say much when she dropped you, Crutchie, Race, and Romeo off, so all I really know is that Blink is in the hospital and she’s gonna pick up Mush before going to see him. Crutchie is trying to comfort you, by the way, but he’s crying nearly as much as you are. Race and Ro are in shock, I think. They haven’t said much. Sarah’s making them hot cocoa. I’m in my room, writing this really quick because I don’t know what I can do. You’re so good at comforting people, but I don’t know how. I wish I knew how you did it. I think I’ll go try one of the things I’ve seen you do with panic attacks. It’s got to be better than nothing.

The rest was calmer, clearly written later.

It turns out Blink is in the hospital because his dad put him there. And he wouldn’t be alive at all if he didn’t call Mush in a panic right when he heard him get home. Mush called the cops and they barely got there in time. Blink was already half-dead when they did, but they managed to keep him alive long enough to get an ambulance. God, I don’t want to think about what would’ve happened if they’d been just a little bit slower.

Medda called you a couple hours ago to let us all know that Blink is in bad shape, but he’s gonna be okay. She’s gonna try to file for custody of him, but Mush’s mom is gonna try, too, just to give him twice as much chance of staying with us. His dad is in jail, but you and me agree that he deserves to die for what he did. In the selfie Blink made Mush send the group chat, there was more bandage visible on his face than skin. It made me so damn angry, but I didn’t show it because you were so angry you almost punched a hole in my wall.

I’ve made a decision, Jack. I can’t be separate from the group anymore. I always hang with Kath off to the side where we can intervene as the voices of reason if needed, but I’m not going to do that anymore, because I. can. not. do this again. I want our friends to trust me like they trust you so maybe if one of them is in a house with a dad that would beat them within an inch of their life, they’ll tell me and I can get them out.

I guess that means I’ll have to get better at lying. I’ve been staying separate mostly to hide my crush. And I think I’m pretty good at that, but being right at the center of things, with you? I’ll have to be careful to make sure no one notices. Especially not you. I hope I can pull it off.

You definitely aren’t making it easy on me, are you? You’re passed out in my bed, for heaven’s sake. But it’s fine. This is fine. I’m fine.

Sincerely, Davey

Jack remembered that night as one of the worst of his life. He’d thought Blink was dead by how Mush sounded when he called. And even though it turned out he wasn’t, he was going to be okay even if he lost an eye, after Jack’s childhood, he’d always hated when he couldn’t protect the people he loved.

Davey had been the one to reach him in that bad place he fell back to, the one where people he loved, kids he considered his little brothers, were getting hurt. Davey had pulled him out of there, and though it would take Jack months to realize it, that was the day he started to fall in love with him.

The next Monday, though, Jack had tried to give him space. Knowing how intimidating it all had to seem, he wasn’t sure if Davey would bail on them.

But he didn’t. Jack had never stopped appreciating how Davey had seen the darkness under the innocent, normal friendship and stayed anyway.

The next few letters were mostly a lot of pining on Davey’s side as he struggled to integrate himself more deeply into the group.

Jack still remembered that shift, how once Davey earned the others’ trust, Jack had gone from being the only one everyone was relying on to half of a pair that a lot of their friends had jokingly called ‘mom and dad.’

It was kind of sad, knowing that for most of them, Jack and Davey gave them more love and attention than their actual parents did, but the two of them would have to do—and they had. For a long time, the two of them were an unstoppable duo of hugs and snacks and homework help.

The letter from June 15th, 2012, had weird spots on it, almost like... almost like tear-marks. It was shorter than the previous ones.

Dear Jack,

Saz just came bouncing into my room to announce that she’s going with you to the Eighth Grade Dance.

I don’t know why I’m sad about it. I knew you and me would never be a thing.

But it still hurts, Jackie. It hurts so much.

I’m going with the rest of the group, just as friends. No one has dates except you, and I think maybe Romeo.

Jack knew for a fact that Blink and Mush had gone together because he remembered accidentally walking in on their first kiss, but apparently, Davey hadn’t known that.

Les is knocking on my door, so I’m gonna have to drop my math textbook on the floor really loudly so I can tell him I’m crying because I fell.

Sincerely, Davey

There wasn’t another letter until 4 months later, Octobe 16th, 2012.

Dear Jack,

So. Something weird just happened. Saz just came into my room and said she’s not going with you to Homecoming because you’re going with Kath. I tried to comfort her, but she didn’t seem sad about it?

She asked me if I wanted to go with anyone and seemed surprised I said I didn’t. (Not like I’m telling her a part of me wishes I could go with you.) Then she mentioned that Blink and Mush are going together, and I don’t see why she cares because if you don’t have a date why not go with a friend, right? Why do girls have to be so confusing?

Sincerely, Davey

Oh. Oh, God.

By the beginning of freshman year, Blink and Mush hadn’t been the only gay couple in their friend group.

Albert and Finch had gotten together over the summer, and so had Smalls and Sniper.

Romeo and Specs were in the ‘flirting terribly’ phase, and though Jack didn’t know it at the time, Race was already sneaking around with Spot by that point.

Ike had asked Hotshot to that Homecoming, though they wouldn’t officially become boyfriends until almost a year later, Buttons and Elmer became official at that dance, and Jojo and Mike had that falling out because of misread signals towards the end of it.

Hell, Jack only went to that dance with Kath because she couldn’t let her parents know she was actually going with Saz.

Homecoming freshman year was... eventful, to say the least.

And Davey had known exactly none of this. That... explained a lot.

Being only freshmen, none of the couples were exactly casual in their relationships. They didn’t kiss in front of people, and a few were too embarrassed to so much as sit next to each other at lunch. With the ones who weren’t embarrassed, it still honestly wasn’t much more than the affection they all already showed among friends.

God, if Jack had known how scared Davey was to come out, as he said in the next few letters, he would have... what? Told him he loved him right then and there? Probably not, but he would have done something differently.

The next really significant letter was dated December 11th 12th, 2012.

Dear Jack,

I have no idea what to think.

I’m in the bathroom right now, and it’s just after midnight on 12/12/12. You and your brothers threw a party in case the world ended with the whole friend group. It was kind of like a New Year’s party, but with a lot more cynical talk about the coming apocalypse and bet placing on what said apocalypse would be. Towards the end, we all got caught up in the drama and sleep-deprivation and started giving speeches about how much we loved each other. It was cringy, but in a good way? I’m sure we’ll laugh about it someday.

Or maybe we won’t. Because I have no idea what to think anymore.

Oh, shit. This was the part Jack was kind of dreading reading.

I’ve been terrified to come out because I thought I’d get kicked out of the group if you guys knew I was gay.

Which was why it was such a shock when the countdown to midnight ended and half my friends kissed friends of the same gender.

Jack remembered yelling at them to break it up. He’d been so busy being exasperated with his kids that he hadn’t even noticed Davey had slipped away until Crutchie pointed it out.

It was quick, so I don’t think I could name all the pairs if I tried, but I definitely saw Sarah kiss Kath, which, honestly, explains a lot.

I can’t help but wonder... Why didn’t anyone tell me? How long has this been going on? Has it been since the beginning and I was just too oblivious to see it?

Oh my God. Now that I’m looking for it, I can’t stop seeing it. The way Blink is defensive and angry all the time and he’s soft for Mush. The way Sarah hates spending time on her hair and she’ll sit for hours letting Kath try out styles on her. The way Buttons and Elmer just do little things for each other every day. None of them are subtle and I am an idiot.

Jack had to laugh at that.

Does this mean I should come out, too? I know now no one would judge me for it, but... I don’t want to mess things up. I love our friends, and I don’t want to lose them. If I lost them, now, it would be because I like you, specifically. Would you be disgusted with me if I told you?

“No,” Jack whispered, before remembering that this was 14-year-old Davey, and he wasn’t here.

I like to think you wouldn’t be, but I can’t risk it. If I lose you, I lose all of them. And if I have doubts about if I could live through losing you, I definitely can’t survive losing everyone. I love them all so much. I love you.

Jack sucked in a breath. As far as he knew, this was the first time Davey had ever said anywhere that he loved Jack.

But I can’t tell you that. So if I come out, it definitely won’t be by saying who I like.

Love, Davey

Jack totally wasn’t crying as he reached for the next letter. It was just current events, random stuff. There were certainly a lot of letters, weren’t there? Davey had documented everything, from Jack attempting to teach him to draw, to the time they both auditioned for the school play, to that time they had to talk Jojo off a ledge when he realized he loved Mike. That one was short but bad. (Honestly, Jack still hated Jojo’s super religious parents for that. Fuck Jojo’s parents.)

Davey did come out in a letter from almost six months later, but it wasn’t until Homecoming sophomore year that things started getting really interesting.

Dear Jack,

I honestly might never talk to you again outside these letters. Sarah’s banging on my door telling me to, and I’m quoting her here, “open the fuck up, David Jacobs.” Mom’s yelling back at her to watch her language. They’re now having a screamed bitching match in the hallway.

Long story short, we were at Homecoming and you asked me to dance. My brain kind of short-circuited, but I said yes right as a slow song came on. Shockingly, you didn’t seem to mind, and you danced with me to Photograph by Ed Sheeran.

Oh, God, Jack remembered that song. It had been their song. He still couldn’t listen to it anymore.

You were singing along to it and smiling at me. It was really sweet, and it was kind of my dream, to be honest, and I guess I lost all control of my body for a second because I kissed you during the last chorus and I didn’t stop kissing you until the end of the song.

Jack remembered that like it was yesterday, because it was their first kiss. It was a million perfect colors exploding across Jack’s brain and feelings he could barely identify swirling into a moment more beautiful than any painting he could ever create.

Then a faster song came on and I don’t know if anyone saw, but I really hope they didn’t because if they did that means they saw what happened next. Which is: I ran away. I ran all the way to my car and drove home and locked myself in my room. Sarah came home not 5 minutes later, so I think she knows, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t know how I can face you after this. In hindsight I think you were kissing me back, and if you were that means I just ran out on you and it probably hurt when I did. If not, that’s even worse because I kissed you and you probably just didn’t pull away out of pity.

Holy shit, I think you’re here, now. I can hear you outside my door with Saz, and maybe Kath, too. She’s trying to calm her down, which, honestly, good luck, Kath. Wait. No. Shit. I guess being her girlfriend has its benefits. It’s just you, now. You’re talking really softly, but I can’t understand you through the door. This is why we enunciate, Jackie.

Jack rolled his eyes on reflex.

I’m still pretty scared, but I think I’m gonna open the door. Scratch that, I’m definitely gonna open it. If you yell at me, I’ll probably yell right back. Funny, isn’t it? How I never would have done that before meeting you? If we have a huge fight, remember that you’re the one who taught me not to censor myself. David never would have even opened that door, but Davey is your monster. Good luck. I’ve out-argued you before, Jackie, so you’ll need it.

I should stop stalling and open the damn door.

If you break my heart, Jack Kelly, I’m going to kill you.

Love, Davey

Reading that last sentance, Jack froze.

If you break my heart, Jack Kelly, I’m going to kill you.

Time was a bitch, because by all accounts, they were both broken-hearted, now.

Jack wiped away his tears and realized there was a little bit more writing.

P.S. I guess you get to live, Jackie, because we had a talk and you kissed me again and now we’re together. Like, boyfriends. I can’t stop smiling. It’s stupid. I’m probably not going to sleep tonight and it’s all your fault because my stomach is full of butterflies and I can’t stop thinking about how much I love you.

Jack didn’t let himself process that, going for the next letter instead.

Oh, shit. November 1st, 2013. This was going to be a bad one. Still, Jack took a deep breath and started reading.

Dear Jack,

Well, today was emotionally draining. (Halloween was fun, but what came after definitely is not.) It’s already past midnight, but it’s okay because I’m sleeping over at your house tonight. After Saz and I explained the situation, Mom and Dad agreed we should. God, said situation it makes me so angry.

Katherine’s parents kicked her out. They found out about her and Sarah, made her pack a bag, and tossed her away like she was nothing.

She’s 16. She’s a goddamn child like the rest of us. How could they do that to her? I guess it’s good she’s out of that environment, where she has to hide who she is and walk on eggshells with every conversation, but she’s on your couch right now, crying so hard she can’t even drink the tea Medda made her. Sarah and you are trying to calm her down, but I hate seeing her like this. Kath always seems kind of unshakable, like nothing anyone says will get to her. I’ve never seen her this broken. Judging by the look you’re giving me from across the room, you haven’t, either.

You think I’m making a grocery list. Medda told me to, seeing as how she’s busy helping clean out your guest room, Saz is on ‘shoulder to cry on’ duty, and I’m the only boy who lives with a girl. Kath didn’t get to pack much more than a couple of outfits and her toothbrush.

You know what? Fuck it. You and me are her parents, now. You’re good with that, right? We’re already stand-in Mom and Dad for several of our friends—what’s one more? Ha ha, you and me have so much practice already that we are going to be great parents for real one day.

Jack sucked in a breath. Real parents? As in, the two of them staying together long enough to have kids?

Wow. That is wildly inappropriate to think about when we’re literally a couple of 15-year-olds. Also, it makes me think about how Kath is technically a few months older, but whatever. I guess I should actually make that grocery list, now, and stop daydreaming about a hypothetical future while one of our kids now is sobbing across the room from me.

Love, Davey

Davey had never even told Jack he wanted kids.

Sure, they were both a little young for that, but in the future..? Jack had always been scared that he wouldn’t be a good dad, after never having a good dad, himself, but sophomore year Davey was right. He had gotten a fair amount of practice with his friends.

That night, when Kath showed up at the Larkin house, crying so hysterically the makeup from her Halloween costume was running and saying she didn’t know where else to go, Davey was the first person Jack called. Him and Sarah had shown up not fifteen minutes later, probably having been lucky not to pick up a speeding ticket (or you know, gotten arrested for underage driving without an adult) on the way.

15-year-old Davey was right. That night was the most broken Jack had ever seen Katherine. Even if it had worked out okay in the end, with Kath staying with them and being their new sister in every way but on paper, Jack still kind of wanted to throat-punch her parents.

It was... oddly comforting, to know that Davey felt the same. He hadn’t shown it back then, knowing Kath needed him calm, but... to be honest, Jack would have feared an angry Davey Jacobs more than an angry Jack Kelly. You’d get punched by an angry Jack, but an angry Davey? He was smart enough to burn down your world. Jack smirked, thinking about how lucky the Pulitzers were that Davey possessed impulse control.

Most of the rest of the letters were just Davey talking about their relationship as it evolved or recounting whatever drama happened to be going on, (with one in the middle of junior year that was basically just ‘wtf Race is secretly dating Spot Conlon???’) because as the only group of out gays in the school, a few of whom happened to be in not-so-good homes, there was always drama.

Then came the stress of senior year, SATs, and college applications. Davey and Jack had a few fights, which were all well documented here. 17-year-old Jack and Davey hadn’t known that those fights were the beginning of the end.

The letter dated June 5th, 2016 was the one that finally made Jack cry for real .

Dear Jack,

We’re fighting again. We have before, but this time, it’s actually serious.

I get that you’re going to school in Santa Fe and I’m staying in New York. What—did you expect me to follow you all the way across the country? I’m not asking you to stay, because that wouldn’t be fair of me. You’ve got dreams and a scholarship to an art school and that is great. I’m happy for you. But I’m not going with you, because why would I? I’ve got dreams, too. Did you think I would put my life on hold for you?

We can’t stay kids forever, Jackie. Growing up means things change. I thought you knew that. Our friends are spreading out across the country and most of the couples aren’t going to be in the same state. Hell, Specs is going to Harvard in Massachusetts and Romeo is moving to Hollywood to go try his luck and they’re not having problems. If your own brother can do the long-distance thing, why can’t you?

I’m scared, too. I don’t want to lose you, either. I know doing a long-distance thing won’t be easy, but when was the last time either of us gave up just because it was hard? Jackie, if I wanted something easy, I would have bailed after we almost lost Blink. My love for you aside, I didn’t because that’s. not. me. I fight for what I love. And I know you do, too, so... so fight for me. I need to know you love me enough to fight for me, Jackie.

I know you. When you want something—really want it, there is not a force in this world that can stop you from fighting for it. I love you, Jack Kelly. I’m not going to stop fighting for you, so please don’t stop fighting for me.

Love, Davey

Jack choked on a sob. He’d failed. Davey had asked him to fight for him and he failed.

Sure, he hadn’t known that Davey wanted him to fight for him, but... God, if he had...

Jack would have fought, would have walked through hell, would have done anything to keep Davey by his side.

He still loved Davey, no matter what he’d been telling himself since the breakup, and... And he needed to read the rest of these letters. Even if Davey started hating him when the fighting got really bad or wrote about what he was feeling during it.

Shit. There weren’t that many more. The remaining letters were spread out somewhere between high school graduation and when Jack and Davey broke up; a year and a half ago, and... and those would probably be the hardest ones to read

Jack waited a bit until the tears had stopped before opening the one from November 20th, 2016.

Dear Jack,

I haven’t wrote one of these in a while. College has been a bitch, but also...

You and me barely talk anymore. We text each other memes about once a week, (don’t worry. you still know exactly how to make me laugh with those dumb little shitposts.) but we don’t really talk. I can’t remember the last time we FaceTimed. I miss you, but I don’t know how to say it anymore.

I’m thinking about this because it’s Thanksgiving break. Of course, it’s good to see everyone. Kath got home this morning. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed her. Elmer texted me a couple minutes ago that he’s an hour away. Of course that dumbass is driving all the way from Michigan. I’m sure we’ll both have more than enough words for him when you get back because you’re flying in tonight.

I don’t know how I feel about that. I should be excited, but... I don’t think I’ve been this nervous about anything involving you since I ran away after our first kiss. I think I preferred it last year, when we were fighting, because even when we were pissed at each other, at least we were communicating.

You remember when we were kids and you always knew exactly what to say exactly when someone needed to hear it? How you helped calm down Kath when she got kicked out, talked Jojo off a roof, and convinced Spot to tell Race he loved him? It was amazing. I never quite mastered that. I usually know what to do, just never how to voice it. But this time, I don’t even know what to do. We’re not on the same page anymore. I don’t think we’re even in the same book.

Jack took a shaky breath. He and Davey hadn’t been on the same page. And Jack definitely hadn’t known what to say to him, either. They weren’t the unstoppable duo they’d been in high school.

But... damn. Those things Davey had mentioned him doing? He couldn’t have done those alone. For all of those, he had needed Davey there, helping him. Maybe that was why it was so hard, being there for anyone since the breakup.

I hate how five years of being an unstoppable duo can be undone in only four months, and it wasn’t even by fighting. If it was a fight, we could solve it, you and me vs. the problem. But there’s no fight, no problem. It’s just you and me and the growing chasm between us.

You know what? It’s probably just the distance messing with us. We’ll be fine. We just need some time together. Thanksgiving will be good for us. And I’m flying out to Santa Fe for the winter holidays to spend it with you, so that’ll be good, too.

I’m gonna text you right now. Your flight probably won’t be leaving for another hour or so, so we can talk. Get back in rhythm.

I still don’t know what to say. I guess I’ll just ask about how hot Santa Fe is in winter and we can go from there. Here’s hoping this makes things get less awkward.

Love, Davey

Jack remembered that text conversation with Davey in the airport. He remembered how much hope it had given him, and how after Jack went back to Santa Fe when the holiday was over, how much better Davey and him had been. That Christmas/Hanukkah had been great, especially considering most of Jack’s classmates were at home and they’d had the dorm to themselves.

Of course their friends and families had known that was why Jack didn’t come home that year, and he distinctly remembered getting texts from all three of his brothers on Christmas morning asking if Davey was good in bed, but that was besides the point.

The next several letters were from their second wind, the rest of the school year. And yeah, they were hard to read, but they brought back happy memories. Even only seeing each other over breaks and computer screens, it seemed that Davey was happy, too. For a while, it had seemed that Jack could have his dreams of art school in Santa Fe and the love of his life.

Then, of course, during that summer of staying together at whichever house more often than not, they started fighting again. Over nothing. Over stupid things. Over who loaded the dishwasher wrong and who said he was going to pick Les up from his friend’s house.

Then they started fighting over big things. Over harsh words Jack never meant and judging by these letters, Davey didn’t meant, either.

August 2nd, 2017:

Dear Jack,

I fucked up. We just had a big fight, I said a bunch of things I didn’t mean, and like an idiot, I let you leave for the airport without apologizing. Now, you’re acting like your phone is already on airplane mode even though I know for a fact your flight doesn’t leave for another hour. Also, I can see that you’ve read all of my texts, you moron, so I know you’re just ignoring me.

Aw, hell, I don’t even blame you. I said some really bad things. I said you love your art more than me, and I know that’s not true. I know you’d never prioritize material things over the people you love, because Jackie, you prioritize those people who have earned your loyalty over everything, including your own mental and physical health. I know because it annoys the hell out of me, how you never give yourself a break. They’re all adults now, Jackie. They don’t need us as much anymore and you never stop acting like they do.

I shouldn’t be angry with you for that. I know with your childhood, trying to protect Crutchie, Race, and Romeo and sometimes failing, you still feel like you have to save everyone. It’s how you’re wired and I love that about you. I wouldn’t change it if I could. I just wish you’d stop running yourself into the ground to do it.

Is this it? I already feel like we’re on borrowed time, here. Sarah says she thought we were going to break up last year. Kath says she’s sure it’s not that bad. (they’re talking about it very loudly in the hallway. or maybe they’re arguing. who knows?) Les just said that my mom said nobody marries their high school sweetheart. (thanks, Mom.)

I think even if we never said it, that’s what we were both hoping for. I know you, Jackie. I’ve watched your favorite romcoms and Disney movies. I know you want the perfect fairytale relationship with the whole package of ‘and they get married and have kids and live happily ever after.’ And I want that, too. I really wanted it with you. Ugh! I still want it with you! I can’t imagine any alternate universe where I don’t want that with you!

It’s probably inappropriate to think about all that. We’re nineteen. We’re not even old enough to drink yet and we’re definitely too young for me to be thinking about marrying you.

Jack inhaled sharply. Oh, God. He was going to cry again.

But for the record... I do want to. I want everything with you and I cannot imagine any circumstance, any extreme, any bad breakup where I stop wanting that.

Just to be safe, though, in case something I can’t foresee happens and I never say it again...

I love you, Jack Kelly. I have loved you from the first day I met you and I can’t see anything happening in any version of reality that makes me stop loving you. You’re still like the living personification of the moon to me and no matter how much you piss me off, Jackie, your glow doesn’t fade. You shined a light on the parts of me afraid of judgement and taught me to shine, too, despite them.

I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you and I probably never will. I just need you to know that.

Love, Davey

Jack was already crying, but he panicked as he realized there was only two more letters.

A part of him wanted to wait. These were words Davey hadn’t spoken to him. These were the last pieces of Davey that were still Jack’s.

But he needed to know. Were these letters from before they actually broke up? After? Had Davey been wrong in the previous letter and he’d stoped loving Jack?

There were no dates on the envelopes. Still, Jack had to know. He took a deep breath and opened the second-to-last one, the paper covered in old, dried tear marks.

Dear Jack,

We had another stupid fight and we tried to fix it but that just ended in more yelling. That’s happened a few times before, now, but this time, it was different.

Oh, no. This must be from the big one Spring Break of their sophomore year of college.

Jack had come home for the break, it had been great to see his friends, but then he and Davey had started fighting. Like, really fighting. Worse than they ever had before.

And then there was the big one. It was two days before Jack flew back to Santa Fe. It was the one where they actually broke up.

This time, you told me to leave. And I kind of yelled at you to just go back to Santa Fe as you shoved me out the door. Then you yelled that if I wanted you to fly away so badly, I shouldn’t bother visiting again and you slammed the door in my face.

I think we just broke up. I’d be angry about it if I wasn’t so damn sad.

God, this is messed up. I know you’re alone on your bed with those stupid Star Wars sheets you’ve had since you were twelve and you locked the door because you don’t want anyone to see you cry. Thinking about that makes me want to run right back there and say I’m sorry.

I wanted to do that the second I got back to my parents’ house, but they convinced me not to. Sarah yelled at them for it. She said I had to make my own decision. They said I’m too emotional to think clearly. They’re right, of course, which is why I’m here writing this and not on my way back to your mom’s house already.

Now, Les is the only one outside my door. Are Crutchie, Race, Romeo, or Kath outside yours? Les is trying to guilt me into opening the door by telling me he cancelled a date for me. I’m not weirded out at all by the fact that my baby brother has way more game than I did when I was fourteen.

Are we really done, Jackie? For good? I keep waiting to hear you out in the hallway. And probably Kath, because she’s a better driver than you. I can’t keep thinking about this. I’m just gonna to go to sleep.

Davey

Jack wiped his eyes furiously. There was one more letter and he needed to read it, consequences be damned.

This last letter was probably from when Davey cooled down. Maybe the next morning or something. If he didn’t hate Jack while he was emotional and raw from the initial breakup, he might in this letter. But Jack opened it, anyway.

My Dearest Jack,

We really are broken up. You haven’t called me, but I got a very angry text-rant from Crutchie (for which he apologized 10 minutes later) which basically boiled down to him saying I broke your heart. Romeo called me, said ‘dude, not cool,’ then hung up. Race and Medda seem to be trying to see both sides, and though Kath did tell me that the last few months have been like ‘listening to mom and dad fight downstairs,’ she’s not offering any advice. I think she and Sarah are waiting for me to come to them.

I’m so sorry, Jackie. I know this is mostly my fault. Still, I can’t make the first move. Don’t forget: I know you. You’re more concerned with other people’s feelings than yours, so if I ask you to take me back and you do it, I can’t be sure you didn’t just do it for me. If we ever get back together, it has to be because you want it, too. However, I know you won’t even consider we could get back together unless I give you a sign, which is why I’m leaving you my letters.

You went back to Santa Fe two weeks ago and I’m finally stable enough to come get my stuff from your house and drop off what little you left in my room. While I’m there, I’m gonna hide this somewhere. I guess we’ll both have to pray no one else in your family finds it. That would be awkward.

When you find this, I want you to think long and hard about what you want, Jackie. I want you to make a decision for you. Goddammit, think about yourself first for once.

If you fight for me, I want you to do it because it’s what you really want. That fairytale romcom ending with me is still yours if you play your cards right. (Don’t think I forgot all the hurtful things you said to me, even if I’m 70% sure you didn’t mean them.) It might take... I dunno, therapy or something, but I still think we can fix this. It won’t be easy, but neither is love. Neither is our entire messed-up, broken group of friends.

I used to think I’d lose all of them if I lost you. Maybe I would have, if I’d messed up like this in 8th grade. But now, I know I won’t, because they’re all blowing up my phone as much as I’m sure they’re blowing up yours, asking if I’m okay. I see now that they need me as much as I need them. And they still need you, too, even if you do need to accept a little more that we’re all grown-ups now.

Where was I going with this? I had a point.

I guess all there’s left to say is that if you still want that perfect ending with me—getting married and having kids and having them call all our friends ‘auntie’ and ‘uncle’—fight for it. Loving someone the way I’m in love with you doesn’t happen twice, so I’m not going anywhere. You know where to find me.

You probably won’t find this for a while. Hell, you’re not even coming home again until summer break. But that’s probably a good thing. It gives us both some time to cool off and think.

So think, Jackie. Think long and hard and make a choice. Fight for me or don’t. In case I never get a chance to say it in person again...

I love you, Jack Kelly.

Love, Davey

Oh shit.

Davey left this in Jack’s closet a year and a half ago. He’d probably expected Jack to find it that summer. In fact, he probably thought Jack had found it and just decided not to fight for him.

Jack still wanted to fight for him. He had no doubts about that.

But did his have to discover this box now? When he was leaving for Santa Fe to finish his senior year tomorrow?

Fuck it. Even if it had been almost two years, even if there was a high chance Davey wasn’t waiting for him anymore, he still had to do this

Driving to the Jacobs house right then and there was probably the stupidest thing Jack had ever done, and that was including riding that Walmart shopping cart Albert stole down a hill in 8th grade with Race, Romeo, and Albert when Davey, Kath, and Specs weren’t there to stop them.

Sarah was the one who opened the door, and she... Jack hadn’t talked to Saz since the breakup, since she’d been staying mad at him out of solidarity. Honestly, he was now realizing that he’d missed her nearly as much as he’d missed Davey. They’d been good friends, once upon a time.

Now, she glared at him, “The fuck are you doing here, Kelly?”

“I...” Jack honestly couldn’t think of a good way to explain this, “Is he home?”

Sarah snorted, “What? After a year and a half, you’ve finally come to your senses and realized you’ll never find another one like my brother?”

“I never planned on anyone like him in the first place,” Jack snapped, “Davey was always... even back in middle school... You think I’d ever believe I could find someone else like that? I’m dumb, Saz, but I ain’t stupid. I always knew I was givin’ up on forever when I didn’t try to get him back, but... but I thought he didn’t want me anymore.”

Sarah froze, then leaned against the doorframe, laughing kind of hopelessly, “You are stupid, Jack Kelly, if you think my brother wasn’t totally gone for you and totally broken-hearted when you didn’t try to fight for him.”

Jack definitely had an oh shit moment, “Wait, do you know? About the..?”

“The box of letters he left you? Yeah. He told me last year, after you left for junior year without coming for him.”

Jack took the last letter out of his pocket, “I just found it.”

Saz took a second to process that before motioning for Jack to come in, shouting up the stairs, “Davey! Get your butt down here!”

Les, sitting at the kitchen table, looked up from his sandwich, “Holy shit. Jack?”

“Hi, kid,” Jack said, trying not to be weirded out by how the now-16-year-old was taller than him.

“Davey?” Sarah yelled again, clearly impatient.

“Alright, alright! God, Saz, what couldn’t wait 10 se—“ That was when Davey looked up, seeing Jack in his kitchen.

“That couldn’t wait,” Sarah said pointedly, “Les, let’s go... not be here.”

“If I eat in my room, Mom’ll kill me,” Les said, picking up his sandwich, anyway.

“Eat in my room, then.”

Jack and Davey were silent until the other two Jacobs siblings were upstairs.

“Why are you here, Jack?”

Jack had to take a deep breath before he responded, “When was the last time you went somewhere besides school if somebody didn’t drag you out of the house?”

“What?”

“Do the people who love you say you’ve changed? Do they keep saying they need a designated driver only to try to get you drinking and dancing like it’ll make you smile?”

“What are you—“

“Are there songs you can’t listen to? Movies you can’t watch? Have you so much as called someone back when they gave you their number?”

“Jack,” Davey looked at the ceiling, “What’s this about?”

“You once said you wouldn’t put your life on hold for me,” Jack said, “And you were right not to. I can be overprotective, sometimes. No one should put their dreams on hold because of a lover, but... my dreams are the only thing I haven’t put on hold, Dave. I ain’t been living since I lost you. Not really. And when our friends all said I was smilin’ less, I never let myself think about it, because if I did, I’d have to think about how much I was still hurtin’ over you.”

Davey laughed sady, “Jack, if you really wanted me, you would have fought for me a long time ago, so—“

“You’re talkin’ about the letters?” Jack asked, holding up the one he had on him, “Davey... I just found them. Today.”

Davey was silent, his face completely unreadable. Jack was holding his breath.

“Jack Kelly,” he finally smiled, “I should have known you would take this long to clean out your damn closet.”

“I think you spent enough time in the closet for the both of us.” Jack joked.

Davey rolled his eyes, “Very funny, Jackie. Anyway... I don’t think it’s any secret that we can’t just pick up where we left off.”

“Of course not.”

“So... coffee? If we’re trying again, I’d prefer to take things slow.”

Jack nodded, “Probably a good thing I’m going back to Santa Fe after tomorrow. That ain’t enough time for us to do something we’ll regret.”

“Yeah, I guess mostly just texting is one way to take it slow... speaking of which, one of us should probably text the group chat.”

“Oh yeah,” Jack grinned, “They’re gonna freak.”

#newsies #javid #javey #jack kelly #davey jacobs #jack and davey are the mom and dad friends #sarah jacobs #katherine plumber #background newsbians #background blush #background spromeo #background belmerttons #slight angst #violet’s writing

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thatmomentwhen345 · 3 years

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Ok ummmmmmmmmmmmmm

These last two weeks have been very emotionally exhausting because of finals and what I’m about to tell you and I don’t really know how to sum it up so I guess you’re getting the same treatment as my Facebook (this is copied directly from the post on there and was posted on December 12th for context)

(This is the beginning of the Facebook post)

You guys, I don’t know what to do.

You might have gathered from my last few posts, but I’m not okay. And it will sound like such a stupid reason to the majority of you. But I made an irreversible mistake back in 2019 that has been haunting me for the past week. This is the first time that I can remember regretting a decision this much. Was it my stubbornness, my closed-mindedness? Was it my see-it-to-believe-it tendencies? Was it my inability to learn from my mistakes?

For those who don’t know, on November 13th of this year, the YouTube channel Unus Annus was deleted from the platform forever. After one year of daily videos by Markiplier and CrankGameplays, it was all gone. The point of the channel was to remind us to use our time that we have alive wisely, because Memento Mori. Remember that you must die.

The channel started on November 15th of 2019, and, well, I don’t know anything about their beginnings. I just saw their introduction video in my recommended or on trending or something and thought, “Is that Markiplier? Shouldn’t he be focusing on his own channel? Who’s this other guy?” and moved on without a second thought. I occasionally saw their videos in the trending tab but ignored them. I didn’t even know they had such a big following. I thought it looked stupid and didn’t think about it until, well, the end.

A few weeks ago, my brother was watching the final livestream that would mark the day that the channel was deleted for good. I was in the room with the livestream on the TV, watching their final hours tick by, still not thinking about the channel at all. Just like, oh hey that thing that people were talking about, wasn’t it like, a cult? I didn’t think about it at all until... the fifth of December? Was it really only a week ago? That feels like a lifetime away now...

The YouTuber FootofaFerret released a video called “Pretending Unus Annus Isn’t Over” and I saw it in my reccomended. https://youtu.be/8SMpCbI9U00 I was like, hey, yeah, I remember that thing that ended. I trusted Foafy’s judgement because of his previous videos about saying goodbye to Steven Universe. So I watched it and don’t really remember how it made me feel. I just remember him saying that the Unus Annus fandom was in mourning and I was like “aw poor guys I’ve seen on TikTok some people are sad about it”. Foafy also suggested that people who were wanting more of the Unus Annus vibe to watch Mark’s Markiplier Makes playlist. I watched some of them and, again, moved on.

The timeline is fuzzy from here on. I’m still processing it, honestly. I think I might have looked up the Unus Annus theme (Turncoat by Michael Rothery) first? Then I think I found some compilations or clips from their videos and was like wow this stuff is funny. And then I realized that there are archived versions of all of their videos (that’s against the rules of Unus Annus for those who don’t know) and... don’t hate me... went looking for them. I watched two in full. I won’t say which two but just know that the second one I specifically searched out because I knew that they did a lot of random stuff on there and that there was a chance that they would do it too. And they did! It was a funny video. I realized how much of a fun dynamic that Ethan and Mark had and looked for more compilations. The more I watched, the more I realized that I had made a terrible mistake in 2019.

I had missed out on so much. And I couldn’t take it back without breaking the rules. The concept of Unus Annus intrigued me so much, all of the people involved on the channel worked so well together, they were all so funny, but now I could never experience it in full because I was stubborn and, well, thinking about other things this year. I could have jumped in at any point between then and November 13th of this year but I chose not to.

Monday was a rollercoaster. 1st stage: denial. I was like well this doesn’t matter, I’m not even in the UA fandom, it’s gone and I don’t care. But it wasn’t that simple of course. I kept watching the Markiplier Makes videos and the UA compilations and became particularly interested in Ethan. He seemed very genuine and sensitive and his on-camera chemistry with Mark was really entertaining. 2nd stage: anger. I was furious at myself for missing out. Those two videos I watched in full were just small teasers for what the entire channel was like. I hated that I couldn’t take it back. And I hated that if I did, I would’ve broken the rules and gone against Mark and Ethan’s wishes, which I also wouldn’t be able to take back. I was horribly conflicted. 3rd stage: bargaining. I desperately went after any content surrounding Unus Annus that I could without breaking the rules, and was still considering watching the illegal archives. I haven’t watched any more of them in full, but sometimes I watch parts of them in incognito mode when it becomes too much to bear.

Tuesday was... Tuesday had to have been the longest day I’ve had the entire year. 4th stage: depression. It was slowly sinking in, the gravity of my mistake. I was starting to realize how much of a phenomenon Unus Annus was and that it was so unique and had such a cool message and that it made so many peoples’ 2020 just a little bit better, but not mine. I then did what I always do and found my comfort in music. I put on a bunch of good songs that I hadn’t heard in a while and just... sat there painstakingly doing my math homework. I couldn’t concentrate on anything the whole day. Monday, either. The song Goodbye to a World by Porter Robinson came on and I was like hey, this song perfectly suits the way I’m feeling right now. I wondered if anyone else had made connections between this song and Unus Annus and looked to see if there had been any AMVs (animated music videos) about the idea and the end of UA. Lo and behold, this popped up and I watched it! https://youtu.be/-q-oByQWdlM It hit all the right spots and I just started bawling. What had I done? Why had I missed this opportunity to improve my 2020, just a little bit? Why had I missed this opportunity to get to know Mark and Ethan better? Everyone who had watched all of their videos could feel peace after the end, like Mark and Ethan. But I couldn’t. I could only forever regret my mistake. MY mistake.

Terrible things have happened this year, but all of them have been out of my control. This, however, was my fault. And I can never take it back. And I am having a very hard time handling that.

I don't know how many times I cried on Tuesday. The next song to come on after I watched the AMV was As the World Caves In by Matt Maltese which of course broke me even further. This song also perfectly encapsulated my dilemma. Later I finished my tribute drawing of the channel logo and felt the smallest bit better. The rest of the day is a blur.

Wednesday was better, I guess? I thought I had made it to the 5th stage: acceptance. I was still very sad and mad at myself but I was starting to realize that there was nothing I could do. I subscribed to Ethan’s channel and started getting to know him better. He’s so sweet and talented ☺️

But no, acceptance is still far away. Thursday and Friday were barely better than Tuesday. I painted my nails black and white as a way of coping. I went to a livestream on Ethan’s Twitch and it was really fun! I started watching more of his streams and on one of them he mentioned that his Twitch chat mods had TikToks. So I wondered if he also had a TikTok, which he does! I looked to see if he posted one on the day UA ended. The answer was no but he did post one the day after asking if someone with the skills required could make a mashup of the song Cancer by My Chemical Romance and As the World Caves In. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJqgyrkR/ I was like wowie this guys got taste! And so I looked up if there was a mashup. As a matter of fact, there was one by Clem Turner on YouTube that came out only three days after the end of Unus Annus. https://youtu.be/a5RTVoreSAY I cannot express how much I love this, what it made me feel, and how much it hurt/helped. So I commented on Ethan’s TikTok about it and only a few hours later a new comment appeared on Clem’s video. Ethan had seen it! So I’m just gonna assume I was responsible for that... not only that but half of the comments on the mashup were about Unus Annus as you can see below. I realized how big of a following UA had and felt bad (because of course the people who had actually been with UA the whole way would be grieving a lot more than me), but also, comforted by the fact we could all connect over the loss of something important to them, if in a lot of different ways.

I’m far from getting over this. I’m far from being okay. I’ve never really felt like this before. I feel like a different person than I was last week. But I wanted to write all this down to let it out, process it a little bit, and maybe get some comfort from you guys. It’s completely understandable if you didn’t read this all the way through so...

TLDR: Memento Mori.

(This is the end of the Facebook post)

What I just described really shifted a lot of things in my head in a way I didn’t expect and in a very short amount of time. So, long story short, my Steven Universe hyperfixation ended very suddenly because of an outside factor and I probably won’t be posting a lot about it anymore. Hope you understand.

(art by me but I used the official UA logo as a reference)

#personal #long post #my art #please read if you are wondering about the change of atmosphere

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ohnobjyx · 4 years

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A sudden snow storm

Part 2: March

(Okay, second time I’m writing this post, as soon as I finish it, I’ll post it).

Disclaimer: I try to keep things objective (if I include my personal opinion, it’s in cursive and in brackets), but I’m biased because of the XZ friendly content I’m usually exposed to and by my own views of their situation. Open to discussion, but please make sure you’ve enough information to do so.

First of all, let’s keep in mind that I present here a rather negative part of the C- society. That’s because we are placing a magnifying glass on a small part of the fandom, so by no means all C-fans are like this. These are all a minority.

However, in the midst of so negative things, we find the reason why I think XZ will overcome this. He is overcoming it.

Targeting his endorsements

So, taking it from the first part, antis and haters were furious because they believed that XZ’s Studio had paid w/ibo to take his hashtag down of the hot search list. Some of them started to say that the only acceptable outcome for them was that XZ retired from the entertainment industry.

That night, Olay was to air a livestream with a product that XZ was going to endorse, and antis realized that they had a new way to express their anger. They turned to the “live comment” option of the livestream and flooded it with hate comments about XZ. Their comments and their interventions during the event made it impossible to progress adequately, and the announcement of XZ endorsing the product had to be put off.

So when they realized what they could do, antis and haters started to announce that didn’t just reject the products endorsed by XZ, they also rejected the brands that worked with him. In the face of such controversy and boycott, more and more brands chose another spoke person temporarily for their commercials and banners, removing XZ’s from their websites. Some of the companies even terminated their contracts with him, fearing the boycott from the antis.

From March, the antis centered themselves around the topic “Not buying products XZ endorses”, making his value go downwards at least for that time.

Douban

By the 3rd day ao3 was down, the reality sank in and people turned to douban, were C/QL, The Joy of Life, Jade Dynasty were in the top 3, all of them series were XZ is lead actor or secondary actor. The antis placed bad reviews on each drama XZ acted in, to the point of bringing down the score of C/QL from 8’5 to 7’9 in a single day (we are talking of around 1′5 million reviews in total), affecting every project he has worked on since the beginning of his career as an actor.

Public scorn

XZ as well as XZ fans became the objective of public scorn. From the 1st of March, some of the accusers apologized for “the problems caused”, and the one that had led the report posted a public apology and deleted every post related to the reporting. However, it seemed obvious to the rest of the users that they were apologizing against their will, and that they still thought they weren’t wrong, but it was done in an effort to preserve XZ’s public image, as well as their own image as XZ’s fans.

The conflict ceased between XZ’s fans and cp fans, now uniting in an effort to do damage control. They agreed to bring down the tone of the discussion, and once things cooled down a bit, XZ Studio posted a public apology, asking people to support their idol rationally, to speak and act carefully, as well as saying that XZ was currently quarantined at home.

With the attention on the antis, they started to dig up the dirt of XZ’s fans. It’s a sad truth that some of his fans had taken sometimes unreasonable measures to give him the spotlight, such as:

Making him the center of attention in a tv drama in which another actor was the male lead. They took over the community in w/ibo and started to remove all of the other actor’s fans from the group.

Some fans attacked WYB, so XZ wouldn’t have to “share” his success from C/QL with him. They reported WYB for not having a “host degree” (whatever that is). This was shot down by a statement from Hunan TV, by the way.

(By the way, WYB’s antis also tried to attack him using this incident, saying that his company and he had paid millions to create the smear campaign against XZ, to bring him down so WYB wouldn’t have to “share” endorsements with him... but these were all deemed ridiculous by most people, and it is).

Attacking whoever says that they don’t have any interest in XZ’s works (a professor was asked to have a look at his works, and he refused, so XZ’s stans started to attack him).

(A lot of people resented XZ’s fans for the 2/27 incident, and wanted a scapegoat. You can’t chase hundreds of people on the Internet, it’s easier to make a celebrity your target, which also hurts the people who offended you in the first place. It’s a “you take away what I love, so I’ll hurt what you love” kind of thinking. However, “professional” antis... they have their own agenda, which I’m not completely sure of what it is).

XZ Studio’s apology didn’t do much and the drama continued to unfold. Maybe XZ’s Studio wanted to wait for the storm to pass, and since acknowledging the issue would give it importance, they waited until they couldn’t put it off anymore. I don’t know if this was actually right or wrong, but people weren’t satisfied with this apology.

XZ’s fans would try to argue with the antis, and thus keeping the image of obsessive fans, even if many of them were actually right.

Fanfiction writers, mostly from the BJYX fandom, would receive insults and attacks from antis and XZ’s stans still pursuing their original stance, so a lot of content has disappeared.

(To this point: I don’t like RPS. I don’t read RPS fanfics. I didn’t like seeing them and adjusted the filters in ao3 so I could only see fanfics from CQL. But attacking the authors this way is also terribly wrong).

To take responsibility

XZ had previously signed contracts with several companies, with WJJW being the main stockholder. Since he was under so many companies, none of them wanted to take responsibility of the incident and try to solve it. Thus, it was left to XZ’s Studio and his public relations team to try to fix this problem.

Investors, directors and brands’ representatives all thought that this would take at least half a year for XZ to recover from this blow. It also depends greatly on how his next work is received by the general public. He still has the support from his fans, but that alone wasn’t enough in the face of such boycott.

Though the reaction of the entertainment industry will be detailed below, it’s also noteworthy that in the first days, some people (the MC from his 爱不是si interview, a critic) posted that XZ should step up and say something about the matter. There were only a couple of cases, and the positive responses outnumbers them, but since they are public figures, it attracted a lot of attention.

(I’m not so surprised that they’d choose to side with the public opinion... but to add oil to flames like this doesn’t seem very kind to me. But, again, this a very competitive industry).

XZ’s fans public welfare project

So, in the midst of this situation, which was very serious at the time, XZ’s fans public welfare group was founded with the support of XZ’s Studio.

It served to contrast with the disruptive, obsessive behaviour of the sasaengs, and proved that idols can use their influence to unite a large group of people to serve purposes that are beneficial to the society.

It came in a “good” moment, because if nothing else, XZ can’t afford that the first that comes to mind to the general public when they see him or his fans is this small group of people, who are the representation of the worst part of fandom culture.

(Since this project has the support of his studio, he must know of it and must have given his approval. But he is not the one to actually initiate the project, that was a collective effort from his fans, to do welfare projects in his name. He collaborates with welfare projects, he has done it before, and did it again in June. This a reflection of a more positive part of fan quan culture, which will be explained in part 3).

However, because he was in the middle of great controversy and criticism, this move was also considered “hypocritical and insincere” by the antis. Nonetheless, the influence such a large group of people have is undeniable (in promoting local commerce in this case), and the local representatives thanked them for their support. They kept on with their projects these months, usually promoting agricultural products from impoverished provinces. They were also praised by the media for the results they achieved.

For those who are inclined to doubt whether this was a move to improve his image, here it’s a compilation of charity and public welfare projects that XZ’s fans pushed forward in 2019, collecting money for numerous projects and 620.000¥ as epidemic relief effort during the coronavirus period, that started in December 2019.

This group also became a source of controversy in later months. It seems some people will never be satisfied, no matter what we do.

Support

However, people did realize (I think) that most of his fans gives him support silently. There are of course fervent people who jump to defend him, but that kind of behaviour is discouraged by XZ’s studio (what I said in this post that ignoring the antis is the greatest way to defeat them).

When seeing those comments and false rumours from the antis, fans tried to contribute posting positive things they had seen XZ doing or remembering his gestures with the people around him. Even people who weren’t his fans, also supported him. For example, a lawyer analysed the incident and declared that the fanfic had indeed violated Chinese laws (for damaging his reputation).

(However, there is an opinion that I agree more with: not liking a content doesn’t give you the right to manage it. That’s the responsibility, the duty and the right of the platform that hosts it. If you find a content unsuitable for that platform, you can report it to the platform and they’ll take it down if it’s indeed unsuitable. But to report it to the authorities seems overdoing it for me).

And now, no matter how important it’s the support from his fans, fact remains that his fans are people who don’t know him personally. Fans only get to see his public persona.

So it was extremely important and a very good sign that people from inside the industry expressed their support.

People he had worked with (actresses, actor, directors) posted comments praising him or expressing their dismay for his situation. One of them praised him in a direct livestream. Later in May, a screenwriter and director also posted a bewildered comment of why he was being attacked like that (to name a couple of cases).

I think that this was essential to his “recovery”. It’s a true give away of XZ’s character that well-known people step up and speak for him, especially if we take into consideration that they are facing a group of unreasonable antis and a very competitive industry, where one down it’s one less to compete with.

(For transparency reasons: some of them would actually be benefited if XZ’s reputation is recovered, like his coworkers from OOL. This is also a dangerous move, because it may turn the antis’ attention on them. But it’s also true that there were people who were “neutral” to this: supporting XZ didn’t bring them any benefit in the short term).

It was also a good sign that while brands still avoided his image, tv programs didn’t shy away from his image. Happy Camp emitted a video in which XZ appeared, so fans interpreted this as a sign of silent support from the program and the tv channel.

This was also very important. There have been cases before, when an actor was being seriously criticized by the public, that tv stations refused to work with him. In the case that an episode had already been filmed, they used photoshop to erase his image and simply cut the episode so all of his interventions and interactions with other participants were deleted.

(To those who are curious, this man had been a very successful actor for many years. He’d been “happily” married and has a 20 years old son. But when it was revealed that he had been keeping a mistress for two decades, he fell out of public favor. Quick.)

(See that space there, between the girl with cargo pants and the man in blue suit? Such are the miracles of Photoshop.

We are talking here about a week’s time. The episode was filmed on Friday and due to be aired next Friday. His affair was found out that week. In less than a day, the post-production team successfully deleted his every trace in the episode. So, if they believe it necessary, they can be very resolute and decisive).

So if an actor has really committed a mistake, the entertainment circle will not hesitate to take away their support. It’s also a way to say that they disapprove of what that person did.

XZ’s very brief appearance in Happy Camp was an auspicious sign for his future, meaning that he will work again in the industry since tv stations don’t refuse to work with his image, and that his dramas will likely be aired in spite of everything (I’ve never been happier to be wrong, since I thought this would take longer to pass).

It was also positive that in spite of everything, the sales of the products he endorses remained high and in the lead, in March, and the trend continued all the way to July.

←Part 1: First snowflakes | Part 3: Why does it snow?→

#gg's situation #part 2 of 7 #my post

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mygreatadventurehasbegun · 3 years

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So, I watched Little Women 2019 again...

I decided to give it another chance, in case my expectations were way too high when I saw it last December. They were very high, but I wanted to give it a fair shake.

I still didn’t like it.

I took notes while watching...if you are a die hard fan of this movie, I suggest skipping this post, as it’s mostly things that irked me during the watch.

And I’m going to try (keyword: try) to avoid ragging on the costumes and hair...as I’ve already done this a lot...though I make no promises.

Some are legitimate grievances, some are just nitpicks.

OK, here we go.

~When Meg and Sallie are shopping and Meg is looking at the silk, I wish they had found a different color for her to look at. Both Meg and Sallie are wearing green, and she’s looking at green silk. Nitpick? Maybe. But I found it odd. Also, Sallie says that color would look great on Meg, and I actually think it would look terrible on her.

That might be just me, but I think it would wash her out. I know Meg’s “color” is green (and honestly, color-coding the girls is not my favorite of costuming choices), but she could have been looking at ANYTHING. Also, it’s kind of funny that Meg sells the silk to Sallie, because in this scene, Sallie is wearing a dress of almost this exact shade.

~WEAR YOUR HAIR UP!!!! *I said I’d try to avoid complaining about it.*

~When they’re at the New Year’s ball, I noticed that the dance Meg and co. are dancing (when Jo and Laurie look out the curtain) doesn’t match the music playing. They are dancing this sort of up-tempo minuet and the music is a slow waltz. Whoops.

~Also, the script says that the past and present scenes run in order...but they have the ball before Christmas morning...even though Christmas morning is the very first scene of the book. Hmmmmm...

~Jo and Laurie dancing outside is just....so modern. I felt like a was transported into a John Hughes movie.

~”Can I call you Teddy?” He never introduced himself as Theodore Laurence. He said: “I’m not Mr. Laurence, I’m only Laurie.” And why is Jo stripping in front of him?! She is taking off her skirt in front of a male stranger and no one is even chastising her for it!

~The reading letters straight to camera is really jarring. Especially when it’s not a consistent thing throughout. We go at least an hour between Friedrich’s and Jo’s...

~Jo and Friedrich’s relationship....whittled down to....this?! *sigh* The only conversation we see them have in NY (outside of him telling her her dress is on fire) is when he critiques her work. She yells at him and then she leaves the state. It’s just sad.

~I still don’t like the flashbacks. They could have worked....maybe....if they open in NY and go up until Jo is returning home and she’s asleep on the train. Then we start the story proper and go up until the moment of flashback? Or maybe this was the one transition I liked...who knows?

~Why are they talking so fast?? It’s just feels like mindless chatter, rather than actual conversations. And some overlap is fine, but to have it be constant is just way to much for me.

~I adore Jayne Houdyshell as Hannah.

~I found it odd that Marmee has them all sitting and ready to eat breakfast before she drops the news that she’d like them to donate it. Rude, Marmee.

~Uncle March ERASURE. Aunt March was not a spinster...the reason she had money was because of her husband. Also, she wasn’t the Mr. March’s sister...she was his aunt.

~I wish they had cast two actors as Amy. Florence Pugh does her best, but she is clearly not 12. And it really shows in the scene at the schoolhouse when she is surrounded by actual children.

~I love James Norton.

~I wish we could have seen a bit of Mr. Laurence’s gruffness before he’s revealed to actually be a lovely old man.

~There is something that rubs me the wrong way in the Pickwick scenes. I can’t quite put my finger on it...though I agree with a video review I saw that talked about the fact that the girls weren’t horrified by the fact that Jo invited Laurie over without telling them. It’s akin to them sitting around in their underwear and she had him hidden in the closet.

~I CANNOT STAND MEG’S BANGS. I don’t care so much about things like a side part...but the bangs are so unmistakably modern, I can’t...and when I first saw them, I thought that they were maybe going to be clever and the reason she had bangs was because Jo burned off her hair. But then I saw pictures from the wedding and before the ball and I knew that she just...had bangs.

~It’s hard to tell 100%, but I think in the scene before the theater, Amy is wearing a corset and Meg isn’t. It’s just...why? And I don’t like the explanation of “Jo never wears corsets, Meg sometimes wears them, Amy always does...” If twelve year old Amy is wearing a corset, then Meg should, too. Also, Meg, you are essentially going on a date with your future husband...why is your hair in pigtails?! *I guess I couldn’t avoid complaining about the hair*

~Meg is nowhere near as proper as she should be. In the books, she prided herself on being a proper young lady (and chastising Jo when she wasn’t)...but in this movie? She laughs when Amy throws something because she can’t go to the theater, she doesn’t get angry at Jo for pulling her away from John (which book Meg, and 1994 Meg, for that matter, would’ve considered very rude).

~I wish we could’ve seen a bit of Pilgrim’s Progress....them receiving their books and trying to do good...I get it might seem a bit preachy to modern audiences. But in this film, Jo talks about making resolutions and crying over her sins...I feel like that might have been a bit more set up if we see the girls talking about their burdens and how they resolve to do better.

~Eliza Scanlen is a great Beth. I wish she could have had a bit more to do.

~I like that they included Mr. Laurence offering his piano...I wish it was a little bit more like the book, with him using reverse psychology on Beth. I love that in the book, he realizes that he was too gruff and straightforward around the shy Beth and goes to speak to Marmee and just ignores Beth. He starts talking about the piano, and if no one cares about it, then never mind...until Beth finally slips her hand into his and says “someone cares”. It melts my heart every time. I’d say the closest I’ve seen to this is the 1949 film...it’s not exactly like the book, but it does have Mr. Laurence realizing he needs to change tactics.

~Meg goes to Vanity Fair. Now, I’ve already written about this scene quite a bit in my post about Meg...but there are a couple of things I would like to say. First, I will reiterate that the way the scene is shown, it turns into something that Meg does, vs. a significant character beat (it doesn’t help that it’s interrupted by Beth playing the piano).

But I find it odd that Meg is wearing what she considers to be her “evening dress” during the day...I know it’s meant to show that the two dresses she packed were the one she arrived in and the one she wears in the scene...but...it’s daytime. Yes, she stands out, but she would have if she was wearing her regular “day wear”.

I find it odd the way she laughs on the stairs. I know it’s intended to show that she feels strange in this dress and situation, but it looks more like someone is making her laugh off-camera. When I saw the trailer, I actually thought that’s what was happening...that maybe they changed it and Laurie was making her laugh or something.

Also, those dresses...not just Meg’s, but all of them....they’re not that great. I think what bugs me is that they look like the costume designer had three dress patterns and made twelve dresses...with everyone getting they’re own color. I get that the idea is that everyone looks alike...but in doing it this way, it reminds me of a theatre production that is using the same simple patterns as a way to save money. And no shade against the theatre...I work as a theatre actress. But this is a Hollywood film with a large budget! And the dresses just look...cheap.

~The scene of Mr. Laurence listening to Beth play. LOVE.

~I’m sorry, but Emma Watson does not understand subtext. She doesn’t know what it means to play two things at once. That scene at Dovecote discussing the silk is the best example...when she tries to tell him that they can find a way to get him is coat and saying that they’ll both be grand. She should be smiling through the pain. She’s just hurt his feelings and is trying to make it better...she’s upset, but is trying not to let it show. But instead, she already looks defeated when she says “Won’t we be grand, the two of us?” James Norton carries those scenes. I also think that it’s very telling that on a lot of her lines, we have a closeup on John instead of Meg. She just didn’t understand what she was trying to say. This is also the scene where her accent slips the most.

~I really like the update that Grandfather discovers that Beth is ill. It’s heartbreaking.

~They keep bringing up that Laurie is half Italian, but they couldn’t cast an actor with brown skin, as he’s described in the book?

~Bob Odenkirk is really miscast as Mr. March.

~I do think it’s an interesting idea to have the two scenes with Beth’s illness parallel each other (with Jo waking up to discover her out of bed). But what I can’t not think of is the fact that no one bothered to wake Jo up when Beth died?? And that they somehow moved her body without Jo waking up?? And I looked at the script, in case it was like, Jo sees that Beth is dead and goes downstairs...nope, the script says that the she sees that the bed is empty, and goes down to find Marmee alone in the kitchen. How heavy of a sleeper is Jo that she missed all of that?!

~”Just because my dreams are different than yours doesn’t mean they’re unimportant.” It’s a good line...but..the reading of it was not good. Jo is trying to get you to call of your wedding a couple hours before you walk down the aisle. You’d think that maybe, just maybe, you’d be a little angry. Not so much that you’d show it, as you’re still trying to comfort Jo...but, come on! *and in the original script, it actually says that she says the line angrily, with Jo apologizing afterwards*

~IT IS YOUR WEDDING DAY, PUT YOUR HAIR UP!!!

~I have always hated that shot of Meg and John in front of Dovecote...they are trying to get through the doorway like they can’t wait to go upstairs and bone. It just feels wrong...

~All I can think of during Laurie’s proposal is how much I want him to comb his hair

~Jo writing the letter to Laurie to take her back....NO.

~Every scene with Mr. Laurence is great. Chris Cooper really was a perfect Grandfather.

~I do think the score is pretty!

~”Jo, he’s so handsome” Hannah is us.

~If Jo is so in love with Friedrich, as she obviously shows all the other characters as well as the audience, why does she stay single?? Or why does Jo write her character to stay single? Or is she single in real life and not the book she wrote? But then what about the epilogue? This ending is way too fucking vague and confusing!!! It drives me nuts! When did we switch from “real life” to the book that Mr. Dashwood is reading? We start the chase scene and as Jo arrives at the station, it cuts away...and then it starts over....AGH! I already didn’t like the flashbacks, but this took it over the edge for me. I hated that they took away the relationship with Professor Bhaer (maybe?), but then to end it in this confused mess....it took me reading the script to sort of figure it out, but even then, I don’t know what’s real and what’s in the novel she’s writing.

~And in the script, for the epilogue it says: “Plumfield...fiction?” So it is meant to be up for interpretation, but it is so jumbled I can’t make heads or tails of it.

Thank you for reading my ramblings...and stans of this movie, please don’t try and convince me that it’s a masterpiece. If you like it, great!

But I am not a fan of this one. I think the 1994 film is the best out of all the adaptations, and the 1949 film is my personal favorite.

#little women #i wrote seven pages of notes on this movie #also the original script is so much better than the shooting script #i wish we had gotten that movie i might be singing a different tune

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girlmeetsliv3 · 4 years

Text

Head Over Heels II (Finale)

Killing Me Softly Sequel!

Yandere Hoseok x Reader ; BTS Member x Reader

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 5,626

Release Date: December 21st, 2019 @ 12 am (GMT-4)

Three years. It took three years for some semblance of normality to return to your life. It took three years for you to begin to see the world, not by it’s bad but it’s good. Three years and you were finally moving on. Three years wasn’t enough to stop his obsession. After three years, he was tired of waiting - you would finally be his.

Trigger Warning: The following story contains mentions of manipulation, abuse, harassment, and child k*dnapping. The behavior and mindset of the characters in this will be incredibly yandere and toxic. This is a work of fiction and doesn’t represent the character of bangtan sonyeondan. Enjoy ~~~

The last person you expected to see standing at the foot of your bed was Park Jimin. His hair had grown, but the blonde locks didn’t roughen him up, if anything they made him even more beautiful. A maniacal grin had spread his cheekbones wide apart and crinkled his eyes, it was as if the past three years had never occurred. You were beginning to wonder if prison had been nothing more than a temporary home for the men - and not the terrible punishment for actions you assumed it would be. “What? Didn’t you miss me?” He pouted, lips stretched out sensually. Park Jimin had always been aware of his allure. Even now when you were absolutely terrified of him, a part of you longed to kiss those lips. At your lack of response, Jimin rolled his eyes and walked to the side of your bed where he had better access to you. The closer he got the more you tried to wriggle away, but your attempts were useless Jimin grabbed your legs and pulled you towards him with ease. Not noticing, or caring, how unwilling you were to be touched by him.

“Now now. It’s best you behave. Wouldn’t want someone to be punished by your recklessness, would you?” He tilted his head pointing towards your nightstand, and your eyes dragged to the framed picture of Sun-Hi and you at the beach. That was all it took to set you off. You desperately tried to push against him and tried to hit him with your bound hands, exhaustion had worn away, as had fear. All you were concerned about now was about getting your daughter away from the lunatics that had ruined your life. “I swear to god if you touch a hair on her head -” Jimin laughed. A boisterous ‘ha ha ha’ sort of laugh. “Calm down momma bear. I won’t hurt our little girl, what kind of man do you think I am?” You hadn’t missed the ‘our.’ None of them knew whose daughter it was, that meant none of them would hurt Sun-Hi...for now. Jimin bent down to meet your eyes, “God how I missed you.” It was whispered so quietly, almost as if he was speaking to himself. His hand caressed your cheek softly, “I almost went mad when I thought we’d lost you and then we did.” He sounded so broken. You thought for a second you could see tears brimming in his eyes, but assumed it was a trick of the light.

“When you left, the first time, I didn’t know what to do with myself. But then we got you back just like Hoseok-Hyung said we would, only to lose you again.” He had stopped caressing your cheek. The hand now beginning to tighten on your jaw. “Do you know what it was like all those years? Without you? Without them?” All the sadness in his eyes had quickly disappeared and was suddenly filled with an intense rage. “Jimin - ” You tried to speak, but his hand only kept tightening on your jaw, forcing you to remain quiet. “I had to stand trial and listen to them call me a pimp, a kidnapper,” By now he had abandoned your jaw and instead had grabbed your clothes, hoisting you up in front of him. “A fucking rapist, Y/n. That’s what they said. They said we raped you.”Jimin yelled, his face mere centimeters from yours. Tears were now flowing freely down his face. Park Jimin had never been more broken or terrifying than he was to you at that moment. “You know what the worst part was? You never showed up. Not even once.” His voice had lowered significantly until he was whispering again. “You see that’s what really killed me. You didn’t even care enough to show up.”

Jimin threw you back onto the bed as if you weighed nothing. As if you were nothing. “I’m sorry Jimin. I was scared. I was so scared.” The words tumbled out of your mouth, as you sought a way to console him. “I- I-” You wracked your brain trying to find something, anything, that would help you get out of this situation. That would help your daughter get out of this situation. “I was afraid for Sun-Hi.” Jimin who had been pacing back and forth trying to control his anger came to a halt. His brows furrowed and confusion flashed in his eyes, “What?” This was it. “When I found out I was pregnant I freaked out.” Your hands began to tremble and you tried to interlace them together to make it less noticeable. “I wanted to tell you, but then I heard about the fighting. About how all of you were pinning the blame on each other and I was nervous.” Your eyes danced around the floor, as you tried to come up with something else. One more detail to make the lie seem believable. By now Jimin had begun to approach you, time was running out.

“I thought that if you found out I was pregnant by one of you. Then the rest would be mad and…” Jimin sighed, a small smile on his face. “You don’t have to be worried about that Y/n. After all, you can always have more kids.” Whatever little hope you had to reason with the madman died then and there. It appeared absence did make the heart grow fonder, for all of the men seemed more obsessed with you than ever before. “Jimin, where is Sun-Hi?” He shrugged before turning around and walking around your room, taking in his surroundings. “With her dad. Making up for lost time.” You jumped at his statement, “How do you know Hoseok is her dad?” Jimin chuckled though it lacked warmth, “Of course she would be his. You love him the most, it only makes sense.” No, that wasn’t it. It couldn’t be. “We also had a paternity test done this morning.” He casually added, as if it was a comment on the weather. “What?!” How had Hoseok even had the resources to do something like that? How had the rest of them when they were in prison? As if Jimin could read your mind, he answered all your questions.

“You’d be surprised what money can buy. Honestly, it wasn’t too bad. We all had our private cells, had food delivered, could read or watch television. Shit, the guards even looked the other way when one of us felt lonely and sought the other out.” It was a harsh slap of reality, but it was one that you needed. The system had failed you. They were supposed to keep you safe, but now you were tied on your bed with your daughter missing and the men who claimed to love you bringing havoc upon your life once more. Maybe things would be different if you had chosen a different path?

A phone went off startling you out of your thoughts, a smile broke out onto Jimin’s face. “Hi, sweetheart. How are you?” Immediately you tried to lunge at him but remembered that your feet were bound once your face hit the floor. Jimin tried to stifle his laughter, “I’m just here with Mommy. She’s talking about how much she misses you, maybe if she’s good you’ll see her soon.” You glared at Jimin with all the willpower you could muster, but it seemed to affect him very little. “You want to tell her goodnight? Um, I’m not sure Mommys' awfully busy. She’s all tied up now.” He giggled at his own little joke. “Jimin, please. Please let me speak to her.” You begged and even tried to crawl your way towards him, you couldn’t care less about how pathetic you looked groveling at his feet. “Hm…” His finger tapped against his chin, simulating deep thought. “You know what Sun-Hi, it seems Mommy can speak with you now.” Jimin crouched down and pressed the speaker button.

Nothing could be heard until a shy sleepy “Mommy?” was mumbled. You almost burst out into tears again. “Hi sunshine.” You tried to keep your tone light, but it took what little strength you had to do it. “Momma when are you coming? I miss you.” She extended the last part in a whine. Sun-Hi had a habit of becoming grouchy when she was tired. You tried to blink the tears away before Jimin could see them, but his eyes were glued to your face. Gauging you for any sudden movements or decisions, you decided to test your luck. “Mommy’s on her way. You’ll see me the second you wake up tomorrow morning.” Jimin’s tsked. “Really? I can’t wait. I miss you so much Mommy and so does Daddy.” You didn’t know how to respond to that. “Good night, baby. Sweet dreams.” Sun-Hi responded back enthusiastically, though you could still hear the sleep in her voice. “Goodnight Sunshine. Uncle Jimin will see you soon.” Then he hung up.

“Why sunshine?” Hoseok turned towards you, a confused yet intrigued smile on his face. You, on the other hand, were desperately trying to hide your reddened cheeks in his chest, whilst also making a grab for your phone. “I don’t know. It’s just a nickname.” You once again tried to reach for your phone but Hoseok easily outmaneuvered you. Your phone was being held above his head and his other hand had crept towards the back of your neck. “Nope. Baby or Babe would be a nickname.” He slightly pulled away, so that he could see your face. “But sunshine. That has to have meaning behind it.” If possible your cheeks became even redder. Hoseok laughed and tenderly kissed your lips, you melted into him like butter. You always wondered how he managed to do that to you - make you forget everything but him. Refusing to let the playful air die he continued, “Is it because I light up every room I walk into?” His eyebrow cocked and a teasing smile made its way onto his lips. “Shut up.” You rolled your eyes, playfully shoving him. “Or could it be because your world revolves around me?” Hoseok's smile only grew wider as you scoffed, “As if.” His hands trailed down towards your ass, where they rested before giving a firm squeeze. You jumped in surprise. “Is it because I’m hot?” He whispered into your ear, trying to be seductive.

You shoved him back softly, “Don’t flatter yourself. It’s just a nickname.” You tried to play it cool, refusing to let him know the effect he had on you even if it was far too late already. “Oh, so what, you call all your boyfriends Sunshine?” He was still trying to tease you, keep the mood light. But of course, you were far too worried about your feelings being exposed, especially when Hoseok wasn’t interested in you that way. “You aren’t even my boyfriend.” It had slipped out before you could even register what you had said. “What?” His voice had dropped several octaves, the way it usually did when he was angry. Immediately you turned around, holding your hands up. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that you’re special and - ” Hoseok was smiling, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Cut the crap, sweetheart. I know what you meant.” It was moments like these that you wondered exactly what you were doing. Moments like these when you were afraid of him but didn’t know why. “I’m sorry Hobi. I really am. I made a mistake, it won’t happen again.” You reached out to touch him, but he recoiled as if disgusted by your touch. “Don’t ever say that again. You have no idea how special you are to me. I would do anything for you.” You nodded at his words and kept apologizing. Too naive to understand the weight behind what he said until it was far too late.

Jimin hadn’t trusted you enough to tell you where you were going. After, the call ended he merely threw you over his shoulders and back onto the bed, before disappearing into your closet. He emerged a few minutes later with your emergency suitcase, then he went out of the room into the one across. Coming back in with a small bag and Sun-Hi’s favorite stuffed animal a blue-ish horse with its nose in the shape of a heart. It worried you, the ease with which he had been able to know which toy to take, Sun-Hi’s bed was littered with them. Yet, he had known. “One more thing before we go.” Jimin had your phone in the palm of his hand, he flashed it in your face before the screen unlocked for him. “You’re going to call the police officer and say Sun-Hi has been returned and that the search can be called off. You’re also going to say that you’ve decided to take a break from the city given everything, but that you’ll be back in his office Monday morning to discuss everything.” He didn’t even give you a chance to agree, before dialing the number and holding it up to your ear.

After three rings, the gruffy voice of Officer Park answered, “Hello, Park speaking.” You repeated everything Jimin had told you to say, never straying from the script as his eyes bore mercilessly into yours. A part of you prayed that the officer would notice how strange all of this was, how calm your tone was compared to hours before. “Well alright child. I’ll see you Monday then.” The click signifying the end of the call was almost mocking. A scream threatened to claw its way out of your throat, but you swallowed it back. “Now that’s done.” Jimin turned off your phone before slamming it to the ground and stepping on it. There was so much force and aggression in every one of his movements you forgot the man in front of you was capable of being sweet, had been sweet, until he lost you. An uncomfortable feeling set in as you finally became aware of something: this isn’t like the last time. There’s no escape now.

Kim Namjoon toyed with the device in his hand, he wasn’t supposed to have it. Not really. But the guards had looked the other way whenever he and his lovers came into possession of certain items, as long as their pockets were lined with money they didn’t really give a damn. They hadn’t even been aggressive to them the first day, a little rough but that was nothing more than a scare tactic. The device vibrated in his hand and Namjoon unlocked it, reading the singular text.

Unknown: It’s been dealt with.

Namjoon smirked, he placed the phone under his pillow - if it could be called that - and laid on his side as images of what might happen next played in his head. Jungkook had been ecstatic during dinner today, barely able to contain himself until he saw his Hyungs. He’d spilled all the juicy details about how you’d finally come to visit him and how you hadn’t denied that Sun-Hi was theirs. Jungkook was practically bouncing with joy, and it would be a lie to say the youngest’s enthusiasm wasn’t contagious. It had been rough in the beginning, the idiotic lawyers they hired suggested that it would be better if they put the blame on each other rather than be tried as a group. Coming up with varying statements that clashed made it difficult for the prosecution to convince the jury, not to mention the lack of evidence. Namjoon had always been a cautious man, but even he made mistakes - he let his guard down around you. That wouldn’t happen again.

The device vibrated again, Namjoon frowned before his hand slipped under his pillow to drag the device out. This time it was two texts, each which sent him over the moon in different ways. Namjoon went to bed that night entirely anxious for the good news the morning might bring. Positive that for the first time in three years things would go his way.

Lawyer Lee: The committee has agreed to a hearing. If all goes well, you’ll be out of there in no time.

Jiminie: I’ve got her. We’re on our way now.

You could distantly pick up on the rhythmic sound of waves crashing, the roar of the ocean and wind arousing you from a deep slumber you didn’t even know you’d fallen into. As you stretch out your limbs, only to not feel them bound, another more quiet sound could be heard in the distance. It was giggling, the small bell-like laughter that could only come from a child, you tore your eyes open and tried to leap off of wherever you were only to be stopped by a hand wrapping around your forearm. There he stood, the man of your dreams, father of your child, and tormentor of your dreams. A pregnant silence hung between the two of you, as one waited for the other to speak. It was Sun-Hi’s giggles that broke the tension, your eyes darting past him towards the window. Outside in the gloomy weather, you could see Sun-Hi running around the beach smiling and laughing, whilst Jimin tried to catch her. Sun-Hi was always a bright child, but she seemed to radiate like never before. Hoseok cleared his throat drawing your attention back to him. Unconsciously you flinched, prepared for anything he might throw at you.

Instead, Hoseok only sighed, leaning forward to press a chaste kiss on your forehead. “I’ve missed you. I’m so glad you’re home.” You would always wonder how he managed to disarm you in less than ten words. A moan of pain escaped you, as he continued his assault. “I’ve longed for so long to hold you in my arms, Y/n. I nearly went mad.” His hand skimmed all over your body, but his touch was soft - as if you were made of glass. Of paper. “Seeing Sun-Hi grow up without knowing her dad and how much he loved her…you can’t imagine how much that hurt me.” It was as if every time he opened his mouth, he plunged even more daggers into your heart. He wouldn’t stop until you admitted your guilt, so you finally decided to spare your pride. “I love you Hoseok. I always have, I just…” don’t love them. Not the way you want me too. Tears streamed down your face and sobs violently shook your body.

“I can’t be with them, Hoseok. I’m sorry I can’t.”

He shook his head, hands coming up to cup your cheeks. “But you love me, don’t you? Wouldn’t you do anything for me?” Yes. Yes. Yes. “But not that.” Any sympathy Hoseok may have felt for you or shown you, dissipated. “We’re a package deal, Y/n.” His voice lacked any warmth. Your time was running out and you found yourself at a fork in the road: one decision would damn your soul, but the other your heart. So you tried to reason with him, not for you but for the only other thing you could find, “What about Sun-Hi? She won’t understand. She has friends, classmates,” You desperately pleaded, “She might not understand why she suddenly can’t go back to that life anymore.” Hoseok only laughed at your worries, “She’s three Y/n. The only thing she needs is her parents, a roof over her head, food, and love and affection. She has plenty of that to go around.”

Alright, so option two then. You let out a long sigh and sat back on the bed seemingly resigned. “Please let me see her.” Hoseok raised an eyebrow as he folded his arms across his chest. “She’s my daughter, dammit. Let me see her.” You yelled at him, a mixture of frustration and exhaustion causing more tears to flow. He crouched in front of you, his hand tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “Not like this, you’ll scare her. Let’s get you cleaned up, okay?” The Hoseok you knew was back: your sweet, loving, affectionate sunshine. You melted like putty in his hands as he escorted you to the bathroom, giving you your privacy but making sure you knew not to take too long. On the way there you passed another window, one that displayed a narrow road shrouded with long trees on either side. Deja-vu welled up in you. You’d been here before.

“Mommy! Mommy!” Sun-Hi ran straight into your arms, her short stature and low-weight making it easy for you to pick her up with ease. “Oh, my baby. How I’ve missed you.” You kissed her face all over, as she tried to push you away softly. “Look, Mommy. I found a seashell.” The shell in her hand was white with a bold stripe of grey running through it. “It’s beautiful, Sun-Hi.” Her cheeks reddened at the compliment before her eyes caught onto someone else. “Look, Daddy. I found a seashell.” Sun-Hi was desperate to be free of your arms, so she could run into her father’s, so you set her down with much reluctance. Immediately Hoseok scooped her up, congratulating her and blowing raspberries on her stomach until your child was hollering with laughter. “Aw aren’t they the cutest.” Immediately, you stilled as Jimin wrapped his arms around your waist. “I can’t wait until that’s us.” He murmured in your ear, lightly nipping at the lobe until it became red and you lightly hissed. Satisfied with your response, Jimin chuckled before making his way over to Hoseok before whispering something in his ear and kissing Sun-Hi on the cheek.

“Uncle Minnie will be back soon, okay?” He spoke, the toddler nodding before returning her attention to her father. Hoseok nodded at Jimin before both of the men’s eyes landed on you. Jimin walked towards you, gripping the back of your neck and harshly planting his lips on yours. “See you later, Darling.” With that he walked out the door, leaving the three of you all alone as you planned your escape.

A children’s movie played on the television which took up much of the wall. You recognized the bright colors and cheery music, it was your daughter’s favorite - it seems he knew even that too. Sun-Hi was between the two of you, eyes glued to the screen, with you on her left and Hoseok on the other side. His arm was thrown over the back of the couch, whenever you shifted too suddenly for his liking he would grip your shoulder. Other than that, it was a nice normal evening. You had to act fast. “Are you hungry, Sun-Hi?” She briefly turned towards you, nodding before gluing her eyes back to the screen. “Hoseok,” you whispered trying to draw his attention, not that it wasn’t already on you. “She has to eat.” You didn’t give him a chance to respond and made your way towards the kitchen, opening the fridge as you pretended to search for food. When you didn’t find anything useful, you opened the drawers and cabinets.

“I told Jimin to bring food.” His voice startled you. Of course, he wouldn’t leave you alone, you had counted on as much. “She needs to eat real food, not takeout. I can cook.” You began to rummage again, this time finding some beef, pasta, and tomato sauce. “See look. I’ll have it done in no time.” You crouched down to search for a pot or pans and were beyond relieved when you found them. Fingers danced along your sides, as Hoseok came to rest his head above your shoulder. “Y/n. Don’t treat me like a fool.” Your hand tightly gripped the metal handle on the black pan. You would wait patiently and then hit him over the head with it. One blow, maybe two, and you would be able to escape. Hoseok sighed, “I think there are several things you’ve left unaccounted: for one, Jimin might be on his way. Two, Sun-Hi might not react in a positive way of seeing mommy bash daddy’s head in.” Your grip wavered. Focus Y/n. This is what he wants.

You refused to reply, to play his games. You should’ve known better. “Turn around.” It was an order, something not to be disobeyed. Yet, you stood your ground. His lips ghosted the shell of your ear, hot breath fanning it. “Please, darling. Please~” He all but whined, but it was obviously a farce. You swallowed thickly and tightened your grip on the steel pan. It seems Hoseok had enough, “There are other ways for me to punish you now…” His voice trailed off, clearly implying something. That was only confirmed when his head moved from your shoulder to glance back at your daughter. Immediately you turned around. Just one strike and he’s out. Hoseok saw the fire glowing in your eyes and smirked, clearly enjoying this game. “I’ll tell you what, you can go.” What?! “What?” You spoke, shock evident on your features. For a brief moment, you forgot what you were planning to do and that was all he needed. Just a brief moment, to completely trap you in the intricate web they’d sewn together.

“You can leave. I know that’s what you want. To run far away from here with Sun-Hi and never see each other again. If that’s what you truly want Y/n. I’ll give that to you.” Hoseok leaned back against the countertop, “Go do it now before Jimin comes back. He’s only ten minutes out, but if you head east you’ll find the main street and I’m sure you’ll be able to figure it out from there.” There was nothing in his voice or eyes to indicate that he was toying with you. Nothing in his beautiful hazel eyes that displayed anything other than honestly. “Why?” You should’ve known better than to question things, you should’ve just taken Sun-Hi and runaway. Unbeknownst to you, a step was taken to close the gap between the two of you. You were still reaching for him - longing for him. You still loved him.

Hoseok rolled his eyes, as if the answer was the most obvious thing in the world. “Because my love for you will never die. No matter what.” The distance between the two of you, which was short, to begin with, kept decreasing. “I know you better than anyone else does Y/n. When the going gets tough you run; from responsibility, affection, love. But I also know that you are one of the most selfless people I know.” Hoseok took another step forward, this time your chests were touching and your faces mere centimeters apart. “You would never sacrifice someone else’s happiness for your own well-being.” You should’ve known better than to believe he’d show you mercy. No. This is what he’d been waiting for all along, the moment he could use your biggest weakness against you. “You can run away, but we’ll always chase. You’ll never have a normal life… and neither will your daughter.” The frying pan slipped from your hand, the loud ‘clang’ it made echoing loudly against the room. Sun-Hi was clearly frightened, she jumped off the couch and ran towards you. “Mommy, are you okay?” Her soft chubby hands wrapped around yours as she gazed up at Hoseok. He smiled reassuringly, “The pan was just too heavy so it fell.”

Sun-Hi looked up at Hoseok, her brow furrowed in confusion before she looked at you again. It took all your strength not to break under her innocent gaze, you had experienced so much growing up you couldn’t bear to have her live through even a quarter of it. Aren’t parents supposed to provide a better life for their kids? You owed her that much. Slowly, you crouched in front of her a forced smile on your face. “That’s right it was just too heavy. Don’t worry sweetheart, I’m alright.” After a couple of seconds, the toddler nodded seemingly accepting what she had been told at face value. She was barely a child and couldn’t understand that not everything was as it seems, you didn’t want her to lose that innocence just yet. “Go back and finish watching the movie. Mommy and Daddy will be there shortly.” You gently guided her out of the kitchen, content when she returned to her previous spot and focused on the graphics in front of her.

All you could do was stare at her from the threshold, wishing things were different. Wanting to have made better choices. Regretting certain decisions. Your time had passed, things were no longer about you - nor could they ever be any more. Hoseok stood beside you observing Sun-Hi with a tender smile on his cheek, “No harm will ever come to her. She’ll grow up loved and cared for, just like you should’ve been.” Cautiously he pecked your cheek, pleased when you didn’t recoil away. Not that you could, you had become numb to it. The decision you made settling deep into your core. Hoseok’s fingers hooked under your chin and forced you to look at him, “Come on now, sunshine. Don’t you love me?” Once again, he managed to disarm you with so little effort. You practically melted into his arms.

Lights suddenly shone from outside, before they suddenly disappeared. The door opened a couple of minutes later and in strolled Park Jimin with two bags of takeout and a new stuffed toy for his favorite niece. Jimin would make it a habit to always bring something home for Sun-Hi, until the day when he brought something for his own child. For now, he settled on the current situation though hope did bloom in his chest at the sight of your pouty lips pressed against Hoseok’s even if it was just for a second or two.

Monday morning rolled around and Officer Byunghoo Park sipped on his coffee as he waited for his next appointment to roll around. The Sun-Hi case had been an absolute disaster, but his commissioner didn’t seem the least bit concerned in a child disappearing only to be returned the same day. Nor did he seem to care that the child’s elusive mother had all but disappeared. To be fair, Park had his fair share of drinks that night and when his phone had rung at such a strange hour he picked up more out of a sense of duty than want. It should be of surprise to no one that he barely picked up on what the women said, it wasn’t until the next morning that he entered his office and saw the file that he recalled the strange conversation.

Immediately he attempted to contact you but had no luck. His partner was completely useless as always, but any questions he had would be answered today, in about ten minutes or so. A quick knock on the door, disturbed his train of thought before he grumbled a ‘come in.’ A well-dressed man in a tailored suit with a black briefcase entered the room, he gave a curt bow and introduced himself as Mr. Lee. “I’m here in place of Ms. Y/l/n. She didn’t feel safe coming in, I hope you understand.” Park furrowed his brows, “Why wouldn’t she feel comfortable? Her daughter’s back isn’t she?” The lawyer chuckled humorlessly, “Oh yes, especially after the kidnappers were caught. But still -” Park jumped out of his seat almost comically, “What do you mean the kidnappers were caught? I’m in charge of the investigation and have never heard about any of this?!” Lawyer Lee attempted to hide his disdain for the man, but his patience when dealing with cretins could only extend so far.

“Oh were you not aware that the Gangnam police were also running their own investigation? See the day-care from which the child was taken happens to lie right at the border between your jurisdiction and theirs, so they took up the case.” The words flowed so smoothly out of Lee’s mouth as if it were the most obvious thing. “I’m supposed to be notified when another sector wants to undergo the same investigation. Why wasn’t I notified?” Park scattered through his notes, searching for a map of the city and Gangnam’s contact information. “Now Mr. Park, I believe that is something you should take up with them. I’m nothing, but the messenger.” There was something Park didn’t like about Lee’s tone - the sardonic nature of it. As if he were speaking down to him. “The perpetrators turned themselves into Gangnam police and the child was returned.” Before anymore question could stumble out of Park’s mouth, Lee stood up and opened his briefcase taking out a manila envelope and placing it on the officer’s desk.

“I am sorry, but I do have a very important meeting with another client across town. Ms. Y/l/n only sent me here to say thank you for everything you’ve done. After all, because of your skills, her family is now reunited.” Lee bowed before quickly excusing himself. Park had wanted to question the man over the contents inside the bag but recalled encountering a similar situation on his past. He didn’t need to know what was inside the envelope, all he knew was what he needed to do. Rather quickly Park found Sun-Hi Y/l/n file and typed in whatever information he deemed fit, before moving his mouse over to a red button at the top corner. There was no hesitation in his clicking of ‘close.’ Nor in the depositing of the case file into the resolved folder. After all, your family was reunited once more - wasn’t that what you wanted in the first place? Who was he to question it?

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myqueertransformation · 3 years

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I am coming out. In 2021.

It is December 31, 2020. The last day of a cruel year. A year which equals the COVID-19 pandemic, causing million of deaths. A year with regional and national lockdowns, causing mental problems among the world wide population.

This year, however, is also a good year for me. I quit drinking and using drugs in 2020. Except for one pack of cigarettes because a semi mental breakdown during the second COVID wave in the Netherlands, I also haven’t smoked. I am planning to continue this in the year 2021. And beyond.

Being sober also caused some changes. Or perhaps these are not changes at all, but stuff I started to notice about myself. Or better: to acknowledge.

According to my passport, and other documents, I am a 28 year old male human being. I grew up in a ‘simple’ family. My parents did not go to college. Nobody in my family did. There is nothing wrong with that, but looking back I realize my parents and family lacked a broad worldview. For a long time, this also applied to myself.

My father was physical and emotional abusive. This is one of the reasons, I think, I started using (or better: abusing) alcohol, nicotine, and later also cocaine, to escape reality. Even when I started to live on myself after attending college, I kept using and abusing to escape reality. The reality of stress, lower than expected grades, bills, financial problems, and the life long feeling of not fitting in.

The vicious circle continued to exist and problems became worse. I was scared to be at home, because I was scared debt collectors would show up. Therefore, I started to drink as early as possible at places other than my home. Until a few years ago, when I, terribly ashamed, looked for help. Within a year and a half I was debt free.

I also tried to cut down drinking, and especially cocaine usage. While two Dry Januaries were successful, I failed in keeping ‘Dry’. So at the end of 2019 I searched for help. Which I found. After Dry January 2020 I remained dry.

My overall health improved drastically. And something else also improved: my mind. Everything was so much clearer, for the first time I could sort out my feeling. And then I started to be confused, and at the same time relieved. While, as a white male, having had two different girlfriends, I started to question my sexuality. I noticed I was also interested in men. In fact, I started to remember that since my puberty I had a few romantic and sexual encounters with men. But ashamed as I was in those days, I tried to forget it and I hoped by not remembering it, it also didn’t happen. But this year I remembered those moments, and I acknowledged them.

I am not straight. But, I am also not gay. I thought for a period that I must be bisexual. But I realized, I don’t care about somebody’s sex. I can fall for someone’s personality, regardless of their gender or sex.

In 2020 I found out I am Pansexual.

But my queer adventure just started. I am still learning, evolving, transforming. Today, on December 31, I am almost a full year sober. And since a few days, or weeks, I started to remember, and acknowledge, new stuff.

Some moments I am extremely sad, because I am finding this out on a later age. I even sometimes think that my life because of this is ruined. What is my life worth, when it can take years from now on before I can truly be myself. On other moments I am relieved, and happy. There are also moments, and I think these thoughts are most present, where I am very afraid to think this is all fake. That somebody would tell me to man up, grow the f- up and stop being weird about it.

But, while sobering up, my thoughts and my reflection in the mirror became less cloudy and started to become clear. Because of a healthier life, my body hair started to grow faster, and became thicker (or perhaps I just became able to notice this). And to be honest, I don’t like it. I was sad with these masculine traits.

And then, I also started to remember experiences and thoughts. As a toddler, I was dressing up as a girl, and performing ‘womanly activities’, until I was caught by my dad. Well, he took care of me ‘becoming normal’. A few years later, I still struggled with these feelings, and started to dress up as a girl, while playing with the boy next door. I asked him to not tell his parents, because they would tell my parents. Unfortunately, he could not keep it a secret and, well, it al ended.

Until recently, I was still feeling ashamed by these moments. I thought I was broken. From my puberty onwards, the feelings of wanting to be in another body kept returning. I kept pushing those feelings away, and promised myself that these were just weird, curious, ‘sexual’ feelings that nobody needed to know about. If I just kept proudly announcing I was a white, male heterosexual, nothing was and could go wrong. ‘I have had a girlfriend!’ I would say.

But not anymore. I have lived in the shadows for long enough. I kept smiling to other people, like nothing was wrong, while everything was wrong.

It is December 31, 2020. The internet now knows that I am queer. In 2021 I will know who I am and I will make sure other people will get to know the new me. Or actually, the real me. This queer adventure will be my queer transformation.

#2020 #2021 #queer #queer community #queer pride #pansexual #transgender #coming out #transwoman #trans woman #nonbinary #non binary #non biney #enby #amab #MAAB #CAMAB

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hinatahyugacute · 4 years

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This is the song recommended by voice actor Nana Mizuki! Pick up 10 songs! This album should be bought first!

Voice actor Nana Mizuki who entered the 20th anniversary of her debut as a singer this year. Mizuki, who is famous as the queen of Anison, often uses the word "voice actor first" to describe her success as a singer.

She is a top runner of the times, with many achievements such as winning the 1st place in the Oricon weekly ranking, performing at the Tokyo Dome, and appearing in the "NHK Kohaku Uta Gassen". He is still one of the leading anison scenes.

It was also a big topic that he announced the holding of his first online live "NANA ACOUSTIC ONLINE" the other day and showing that he would continue to take on new challenges in the current situation. In addition, her 40th single, which includes a serial number for purchasing online live viewing tickets, will be released on October 7th this year, so her activity is drawing attention.

Today we would like to introduce 10 Animate Times recommended songs from Mizuki's songs! I will also introduce the albums you should buy first, so I hope that it will be a reference for those who will touch on Mizuki's songs in the future.

This album is the first to buy! "THE MUSEUM Ⅲ"

Amazing contents such as almost all the recorded songs are tie-up songs!

CD with all 17 songs, MUSIC CLIP of "Iki Koi" which is the first recording of this album, and "Sugafest! ~ Miracle Festival once in 20 years" to commemorate 20th anniversary of Suga Shikao's debut. A 2-disc set of Blu-ray (DVD) with patterns recorded.

This album, which contains single songs, is the third of Mizuki's best album. From 26th single "Synchrogazer" to 36th single "TESTAMENT" are recorded, many songs that are unique to Mizuki are recorded, such as collaboration songs with TMRevolution and reconstruction assistance songs with Koichi Yamadera.

Also included in the video is the live classic "ETERNAL BLAZE". It is exactly the content of Mizuki's singer activity, and you can feel Mizuki as a singer with both your ears and eyes!

youtube

Introducing Mizuki's recommended songs!

Here are 10 recommended songs from Mizuki's famous songs! We have selected from classic live songs to nostalgic masterpieces, so if you plan to participate in future live performances, please check!

Deep bass and terrible hard sound ""Let's live at this moment-when-"

◆ Collected works 39th single "METANOIA" Released on July 17, 2019　

◆Music information TV anime "Senki Zessho Symphogear XV" opening theme. A song with a magnificent finish that seems to be the opening of the 5th Symphogear series. It has a different approach from the previous series songs, and you can see different aspects from other series songs such as male chorus and rap. This is a Nana Mizuki song, with a feeling of "singing" to follow the work! A song that gives the impression of.

Recommended second song "STARTING NOW! ]

Nana-san's cheerful support song "I have a dream that only those who know everything can touch it"

◆ Recording work 36th single "STARTING NOW! 』2016.07.13 release 12th album "NEOGENE CREATION" 2016.12.21 release Best album "THE MUSEUM Ⅲ" 2018.01.10 release

◆Music information The cheering song "STARTING NOW!", which has a pleasant running feeling, is the opening theme of the TV anime "There is a problem with this art club!" While it's a refreshing rock tune that will support all your love and dreams, it's also a lively fun song. In the lyrics, there's "Please come!!", but the phrase is very Nana-like, reminiscent of the closing words of the radio "Nana Mizuki Smile Gang."

The song "Dream Coordinates-Zodiac-Gently Write" of the work

◆Recorded works 21st single “PHANTOM MINDS” 2010.01.13 release 8th album “IMPACT EXCITER” 2010.07.07 release Best album “THE MUSEUM II” 2011.11.23 release

◆Song information The single that recorded this song was the first voice actor in history to be “1st place on the Oricon weekly single chart”, and was also shown at the second appearance “61st NHK Kohaku Uta Gassen”. This song, which is the theme song for the movie version "Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha The MOVIE 1st", is a companion song to "innocent starter", the opening theme of the first Lyrical Nanoha series.

The emotion expressed in "innocent starter" at that time is drawn in a different way. Of course, it's a lively song, but it's also a song that strongly reflects the work "Lyrical Nanoha".

Recommended 4th song "Shinai"

I'm sure I can't help but tell you "I can't reach you no matter how much I think"

◆Recorded works 19th single “Shinai” 2009.01.21 release 7th album “ULTIMATE DIAMOND” 2009.06.03 release Best album “THE MUSEUM II” 2011.11.23 release

◆Song information This song has achieved various records, including the Oricon single daily chart second place. The ballad, which is also the theme song of the TV animation "WHITE ALBUM", has the image of this work, and the melody reminiscent of a popular song is impressive.

Mizuki's various thoughts, such as the feelings of his father who died just before making the lyrics and the image of "WHITE ALBUM". A quick ballad inspires the lacrimal gland.

Recommended 5th song "Orchestral Fantasia"

This is exactly the "sea of strings" "Wandering in the sea of strings"

◆ 6th album “GREAT ACTIVITY” released on November 14, 2007

◆Song information

This song, which is loved by many fans even though it is an album song, is a work in which so-called strings such as acoustic guitar and violin stand out. It is a song full of Mizuki's taste, with the strings' fantasy melody and painful lyrics in harmony. The guitar quartet presented at "LIVE THEATER 2015" is a must-see.

Recommended 6th song "SUPER GENERATION"

Support song that will not fade even after many years "Let's go find the most important thing"

◆Recorded works 13th single “SUPER GENERATION” released on January 18, 2006 5th album “HYBRID UNIVERSE” released on May 05, 2006 Best album “THE MUSEUM” released on February 07, 2007

◆Song information Mizuki-san was the first song in charge of composition, and if you say Mizuki-san's style, it is the first child (Mr. Mizuki calls herself the song No. ◯◯). Even 14 years after its release, it is a support song that fascinates fans without fading at all. If it is performed live, the cheers of the audience will become louder. Especially, the last big chorus of "LaLaLa" can feel the unity like "Nana Mizuki's live!"

Recommended 7th song "ETERNAL BLAZE"

A sense of words that shines everywhere in the lyrics "Yes, surely it starts here..."

◆Recorded works 12th single “ETERNAL BLAZE” 5th album “HYBRID UNIVERSE” released May 05, 2006 Best album “THE MUSEUM” released February 02, 2007

◆ Music information Even if you are not very familiar with Nana Mizuki's music, there are a lot of people who know this music. This song is the theme song of the TV anime "Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha A's" and is counted as one of Mizuki's successes.

The lyrics are written by Mizuki-san, and the words that have a unique reading, such as "Goddess-Tenshi-" and "Nightmare-Maboroshi-", are scattered everywhere. This song is a classic live song! I think that there are many people. In particular, the shout of "ETERNAL BLAZE!" during the interlude responded to Mizuki-san's agitation, and the excitement of the hot air in the venue explodes at once.

Recommended 8th song "Tears' Night"

Mizuki-san and Uematsu-san The origin of the tag! "Tears' Night Repeated Your Name"

◆ 4th album "ALIVE&KICKING" released on December 08, 2004

◆ Music information This is the first work by Noriyasu Uematsu (Elements Garden) and Mizuki, who work on many popular songs. A lyrical song that seems to be Mr. Uematsu's music, with a fantastic and speedy melody, and Mizuki's passionate singing voice makes you feel comfortable and somehow sad.

It was performed at the first full orchestra concert "NANA MIZUKI LIVE GRACE -ORCHESTRA-", and it is a masterpiece stage, so please check it out!

Recommended 9th song "New Sensation"

Representative presence of Mizuki-san's support song "One-off life should definitely be enjoyed"

◆ 7th single "New Sensation" 2003.04.23 release 3rd album "DREAM SKIPPER" 2003.11.27 release Best album "THE MUSEUM" 2007.02.07 release

◆ Music information Akio Mishima, who is in charge of producing many King Records artists including Mizuki, is also a support song that pushes the drum. It has been sung in many live shows so far, and was also shown at "LIVE EXPRESS 2019" held last year.

The lyrical lyrics and the melody with a deep groove make the listener feel energetic, and "Men energize" makes the song feel like Mizuki. In addition, it is a song that attracts attention to guest artists, such as welcoming Masami Okui to the chorus.

Recommended 10th song "POWER GATE"

The classic song that has been sung every year since its release "We can change the times"

◆ 4th single “POWER GATE” 2002.05.01 release 2nd album “MAGIC ATTRACTION” 2002.11.06 release Best album “THE MUSEUM” 2007.02.07 release

◆Song information Mizuki has sent many popular songs to the world. Of course, there are many songs that are standard songs for live performances, and it seems that it will become one album by itself. Among them, this song, "POWER GATE", is the most sung live and popular with fans.

You can feel the power of the singer "Nana Mizuki" no matter what the energy of the song and the sense of unity at the live performance. Mizuki-san sings in the song, "We can change the times," but a support song that is so compelling is rare.

source: https://www.animatetimes.com/news/details.php?id=1598603646

#I am big fan of Nana Mizuki #voice actress of Hinata Hyuga #love Nana Mizuki songs #nanasongs #hinata hyuga seiyuu #naruto cast voice actor #hinata hyuga #sweetandbeautifulvoice #beautiful Hinata voice actress #popular J-pop singer #naruto female anime character #hyuga hinata #naruto #hinasasu

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