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underscore-jude · 1 year

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can you go more in depth on how you would’ve changed kourt’s anxiety storyline and her storyline with jet I would love to hear more about that!

yes yes yes ofc i was just getting sooo angry while writing my last post that i decided to leave it where it was lololol

(also the more I wrote this the more i realized I either literally am Kourtney or I just project onto her a lot. lol. lmao. sorry about that but this is MY version of hsmtmts after all. and i added a keep reading cause this got fucking long goddamn)

so we've been told but not really shown that Kourtney, Ricky, Nini, and Big Red have been friends since grade school and then Ricky and Nini's dating and subsequent breakup split them apart, and im a sucker for childhood friendships, so i really want to lean into that

in addition to the inherent heart rate increase of anyone with anxiety (or at least, in my experience with GAD), Kourtney has a lot to be worried about over the summer. My childhood best friend and I clung to each other in anxiety-related situations a LOT, so I can really relate to Kourtney and Nini from that standpoint. So first of all, she's without Nini and Michelle, the two most important people in her life, and also the two people who have dealt with her Kourtney-ism the most in the past year. Big Red and Ricky used to be good at all that, but then the Big Bad Summer of 2019 happened and she just hasn't been as close to them, y'know?

She's never been one for romance. Nini was always the desirable one, she was fine to be the one in the background, the funny best friend who gave all of Nini's suitors the shovel talk, and now she's got Howie and they call each other boyfriend and girlfriend- they're not gonna see each other for two weeks. In my version, Howie isn't just randomly a senior even tho he was a junior in s2- he's away doing a residency at a professional theatre. She doesn't get to talk to him a lot, because he's super busy, but she's sure that things between them are just fine. Right? He'd never forget about her like that. Right? A song can mean everything. Isn't that what Ricky always said? But she knows all too well how that ended for him and Nini...

And then she learns that the performance is going to be filmed and put on Disney+, something that millions of people watch every day! She's going to be everywhere- and then she learns that she's going to be everywhere as ELSA! The first black Elsa on TV! She, Kourtney Greene, the Ultimate Best Friend, is going to be front and center in the iconic sparkly blue dress and singing one of the most legendary Disney songs ever...

So yeah, Kourtney has a lot to be nervous about this summer.

Ashlyn and Gina offer their support, but it's notoriously hard for someone with anxiety to open up and allow someone new to be their support system after feeling like they've burdened others for so long with it. So early in rehearsals, she sings the song "Monster". It comes across as a little too real. She leaves.

After letting her have some time by herself, who comes to check up on Kourtney? Ricky! He makes his case. It's been a year. A lot has changed. He knows that things will never be the same but you can't take away eleven years of friendship, and Ricky knows Kourtney well enough to know that something's up. For as long as the group had been together, they'd really just referred to it as her Kourtney-ism and whatnot, but it really doesn't feel right to talk about it that way anymore. RECONCILIATION TIME!!! GIVE ME THESE TWO AS BESTIES, T*M!!!! AAAAAAAA

So, slowly, Kourtney learns to open up to those around her- not just Ricky, but Carlos, and Gina, and Ashlyn, and all of her friends who make it clear that she's not alone. When she gets her Color War phone call, she calls her mom. Tells her that she wants to start seeing a proper therapist. She has a lot of tics, like picking at her nails, so she and Carlos take to repainting their nails together almost nightly- she's not gonna get over it immediately, but her friends do what they can to make her as comfortable as possible. Thus explaining why Carlos and Kourtney had different nails almost every single day at camp lol

So the elephant in the room would be Jet. He's playing Kristoff this time around, remember- just something you might want to keep in mind for later, lol.

So, as a massive massive lesbian, I fell in love with Kourtney pretty much the moment she appeared on my television screen, and Jet, getting to meet her in person, would probably fall even harder. Now, Jet is just... so very unaware of what to do when he actually has a crush, and he'd probably do something like what my autistic ass does whenever I have a crush- MAKE THINGS WEIRD AND SAD

So Jet purposefully avoids most of the people because he does not want to be there. However, he does have a habit of agreeing with Kourtney, hanging around Kourtney, being so so very awkward around Kourtney, like in the Real Campers of Shallow Lake episode but dialed up to eleven.

Ricky, being Kourtney's closest friend at camp and Jet's only friend at camp, notices something is up pretty much right away and considers playing matchy matchy matchmaker before deciding to be an annoying "good friend" instead and slyly mentioning to Jet that he should be open if he has a crush, but also mentioning that if anyone were to ever break Kourtney's heart he'd kill them. This, obviously, does not make Jet feel any better, so while he's trying to get Maddox to trust him again, he starts talking about little sibling things, such as the fact that he has a crush and his big sister might be just the person to help him figure all that out, etc. As their relationship improves over the season, the amount of gentle ribbing about each other's crushes also grows. To the extent where Maddox almost straight up says something about Jet and Kourtney in front of the whole group and Jet nearly dies on the spot.

As he continues to come out of his shell, Kourtney does start to really like Jet- as a friend, at first. Romance just doesn't come first to her mind, really (kourtney is an ace icon wbk, and she's not necessarily aro but somewhere on that spectrum. it's canon cause i say so) and she is more focused on releasing herself from the burdens of her own brain as best she can because she doesn't exactly have access to a therapist or medication yet. But soon, feelings start to arise. The other girls will tease her, and the boys urge Jet to ask Kourtney for a dance at the camp prom, and when he ultimately can't do it, Carlos is the one to say it's okay- he knows you shouldn't push yourself to do things you're not ready for (such as some traditions. it all connects you see, i'm a genius)

It's really easy to just say "if you like them, just go ask them out" to someone who is not dealing with the constant barrage of thoughts that every second you're not asking them out you're wasting your life away but you also can't face the possible embarrassment of being rejected, so you resign yourself to a life of pining from the wings (literally).

So this time around, it's Jet singing Kristoff's Lullaby during the Frozen performance and giving Kourtney meaningful looks, rather than the tired old dragged out love triangle we got in the original season!

So when the doc premiere happens, and everyone is left with the wreckage of what they've been edited to look like, Kourtney has to ask Jet what that meant. His confession couldn't have been edited that much- he said what he said. And Jet owns up to it- he's had a dumb little schoolboy crush on Kourtney since he first laid eyes on her and has only come to fall even harder after learning that she's compassionate, funny, kind, and talented in addition to pretty. And that all he wants is to know if she could ever consider feeling the same.

And Kourtney... doesn't know. She's not used to opening up her heart. She's not used to being desirable- people actually having feelings for her is something she's still having a hard time accepting as possible. Everything has been such a whirlwind since first arriving at camp. And that's exactly what she tells Jet. That she doesn't want to jump headfirst into something despite the fact that there's definitely a part of her that wants to. Jet wants to be mad. He wants to be so angry. But he's also managed to grow up a little bit. So he says that he'll always respect Kourtney, no matter what. But he'll also always love her.

When Kourtney gets home, confusion abounds. She's got enough "real" problems to talk about her therapist with that she doesn't exactly feel like boy problems are the right thing to be taking to them. She heads into work and waiting at the staff door to give her a kiss on the cheek and welcome her home is Howie. Her heart stops. Her brain is full of fog again.

And vine boom kourtney's s3 arc ends ;)

#LOLOLOLOL GET WORMED #but fr this turned out very long #im #so sorry #i love kourtney so so so so so sosososososososososo much if you could n't tell #kourtney greene #hsmtmts #jude is talking #asks #jetney #jet hsmtmts

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b0nywh0res · 1 year

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hi!! so since im not active 24/7 anymore i feel like u missed a lot so little update!!

i lost most of my friends. ive had so many depressive episodes and then weird episodes where i would hate them and want them to die. so ig it makes sense but also they know that i have these episodes but wtv not everyone can handle that and i respect that. they didnt have to be such bitches abt it tho. i got them muffins as apology bc i rlly cant control those episodes and they fucking rolled their eyes at me. girl. ur acting as if ur not fucking toxic urself. at least own it omg.

L and i got sooo close irl. shes been way more touchy w me which i rlly appreciate bc its so comforting and makes me feel so much more loved than just words.

and uhm. today was the worst day of my life. i had a panic attack during english class so i left and decided to skip the next period which is allowed if ur in a bad mental state. i told a teacher and he was like okay fine but for some reason the secretary still called my mom? she was so mad bc she doesnt believe in mental illnesses and all that yk so i was too scared to go home. i told my homeroom teacher and she said that there was obv a bigger underlying issue that was causing this. i basically started sobbing and she was so kind to me and hugged me. she even started crying w me oml.

she said that one of the teachers saw me looking at pro-ana sites in class(probably tumblr i hate yall LMAO) and they told her. she wouldnt tell me who it was. if i find out who snitched i will hshdhsjdh. i fr cant let anyone know abt my ed but god i was so close to telling her everything.

she said that i dont have any adults in my life who i can rely on and that i carry way too much for a teenager. shes getting me a school therapists and tbh i dont think itll help much bc ive had a few before but shes so nice to me so ill try. idk if im ready to talk abt my ed yet but i def want to do smth abt my mood swings and everything that comes w it. its so tiring.

she couldnt rlly do anything abt my moms anger so she told me that it was just one day and that i could get through it and i would speak w her again tmr. heating her say that was a real relief ngl. my mom hasnt ever been this mad(except for that one time 3 years ago when she wouldnt allow me anywhere but the attic for 3 weeks) and its rlly scary. home situation isnt great and school isnt either but god id do anything to be at school rn.

all in all life still sucks, i love L and now im starting school therapy. woohoo.

#i wish i was thinner #ed vent #just pro for myself #not actually pro anything #eating diary #i want to be small #low cal restriction #ed relapse #weight loss #4na diary #4n0r3x14 #pro 4na #tw ed #ed diet

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zuffer-weird-girl · 3 years

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Notice me.... talk to me.

Sometimes. You cursed your boyfriend's ego.

It just could be so incredibly difficult to just deal with him at some point...

No matter how exausted or just being proven wrong, Chisaki Kai stumped his foot down to just prove for those who doubted or even, with some sorta of courage, talked back to him how stupid and dumb they were. Because he was right. He knew what was best for him, whose he consider dear to his heart and even the world itself. It didn't matter if blood had to be sheed or people to get hurt. He got what he wanted as always would.

You weren't excluded from this harsh treatment either...

Kai and you rarely fight over something. The man absolutely hated arguments that included yelling or some sort of physical combat although it was necessary with some... imcopentent subbordinates of his.

Yet it didn't mean how cruel your boyfriend could be from only just using words. Especially when he had a problem on his bussiness with the Shie Hassaikai.

For your doom, today was one of those days...

"I'm sure if you just took a couple of hours even to just relax and forget about your goal for one minute you would be less tense." You tried to coach your boyfriend but he only glared at you like you were an arrogant child throwing a tantrum.

"And who are to demand things from me (Y/n)?" He spoke through gritted teeth, you could tell even if he was with a mask over his face.

"Im.. Im just trying to help." You murmured lowly, hurt evident on your features.

"Do I look like i need help from you? You cant even walk alone on a city without being glued to my arm on being guarded by the Shie Hassaikai workers." He spoke on a manner of fact tone before giving his back to you to walk back to his desk.

But you tried one less approach...

"Kai... please. I can't- I don't even recognise you anymore. Please just try to listen to me-" you tried to touch his shoulder only to gasp when his rough and covered hands grabbed onto your wrist harshly and roughly pinned you to the wall as he stared with a murder gaze down at you while tightening his grip on your wrist.

"I won't listen to you. And you know why?" He whispered with venom as he etightened even more his grip on you to the point where it actually started to hurt. "Because comparing me and to yourself dearest, you're just a clingly brat trying to distract me to your own enjoyment."

"K-Kai stop it It hu-" you whimpered and gasped in fear as he slammeed a fist on the side of your head.

"I wasn't done talking!" He roared in your face as tears started to form in your eyes " cant even listen and do something right now?!"

"Kai please-" you whimpered and your eyes widenes when you noticed his glove on the hand he was holding your pulsefading away.

His quirk.

He was about to use his quirk on you.

"Kai calm down-!" You cried and hives started to appear on his face.

"Now you want me to calm down after irritating me right you useless-"

"LET GO OF ME CHISAKI!" You screamed but at the shock of you using his surname and shouting... Chisaki did ended up using his quirk on you.

His eyes widened as you shouted and clench your bleeding handless arm. Shit... what had he done...?

He almost stuttered for you to calm down and when he tried to get close to you to fix you screamed again.

"NO! GET AWAY FROM ME! STAY BACK!" ignoring your pleas he grabbed onto your arm as you trashed and screamed on his grasp as his eyes burned and finally fixing what he had done... physically at least.

Just when your hand was back you pushed yourself away from and falling on the ground as you stared up at him with wide fearfull eyes...

He felt so ridiculous and angered with himself at the sign of the one who trupy loved him staring back at him not like a man, but as a horrific monster...

"A-Angel I-" he crouched down and extended a hand towards your direction but soon returning it when you flinched at the montion. "... I'm.. (Y/n).. I.. I truly didn't want it-"

"Y-Yeah.." you whimperex while carefully getting up and maintaning a dostance from him "But you did..."

"(Y/n) wait just listen to-!" He stopped walking towards you as you rushed to the exit of his office, using his door as a shield.

"Kai not now..." you muttered and slammed the door shut. Leaving with the weight of guilt enough to bury him on the ground.

It pained him to hear the hurried footsteps and sobs fadind away and knowing he was the cause of it.

The day has been awful. He shoudl have listened to you and take a break... maybe then you would be by his side right now...

He walked like a deadman towards his room and sighed at the sign of the door closed before knocking. No one answered...

Allowing himself, he opened the door to spy that... you weren't there. Your pillow was the only thing missing and it let him with unknow pain on his chest as he closed the door.

He asked for Chrono and Mimic forbyour location ... but none of them opened their mouths. Those two were loyal to him but they also didn't want to see a quarrel in the night time. By the stain on Chrono's coat he could tell that you cried on him just minutes ago.

He frowned at the thought but couldn't just punish his friend for actually being a decent man... unlike him. After all, when was the last time he let you cry on his shoulder?

... when was the last time he actually gave you attention..?

He morned at his flaws before widening his eyes at seeing a covered lump on teh couch as his feet immediately dragged him.

He exhaled in relief at seing your sleeping face on there but immediately frowned at the sign of dried tears on it..

Crouching down by your side he frowned, carresing your cheek with his gloved thumb... but the mere touch was enough to rouse you from your sleep as you let out a scared yelp and scotted away... afraid of him.

That hurted more than that any punchs of miss treating he ever received on his life.

"I'm... Did I wake you?" He murmured before sitting on tge couch, legs spread as his arms rested on it.

You stared at him for a minute before averting your gaze from him to the floor as you hugged your legs closer to your chest.

"I... assume you're need some time still after what... happened." He frowned when you just blinked, a broken and saddened look on your (E/c)'s eyes as you carresed the wrist where he had injured.

"... I didn't wanted it. I never wanted this to happen." He admitted with a pain on his chest that it hurted even to talk... but your silence was killing him.

"Won't you say anything?" He looked at you with expectant eyes "Scream? Yell?... anything?"

You got up and faced away from him as he blinked.

"... I'm going to sleep in the guest's room."

"Sounds... fair." He sighed in despair as he watched you walk away and the distant sound of the door shutting.

Burring his face on his face he sighed. A headache coming along with the burn on his eyes.

What had he done..?

He tried many aproachs for 2 weeks. And nothing seemed to be changing anytime soon.

You didn't looked at his face and only answered him with one or two words if he was lucky enough. He couldn't even eat in peace without noticing you just made your plate and leave, with some excuse of cleaning up later.

That wasn't the problem...

When he tried flowers or even your favorite food you just declined with a shook of your head and gave the flowers to some epderly woman whoose aold them.

Why wont you accept it?

He heard rumors of the Hassaikai workers that they thought that you only didn't break up with him for fear of your life... or even that he wouldn't mind killing you just to find another.

What did you and them thought of him to say those things?

Ah. Of course.

A monster.

He aproached silently the living room where he found your reading. You soon casting him a glance before closing your novel and moving to get out.

"How long this will continue?" The words are harsh, but the tone of his voice was broken, pleading for you to just end this suffering.

You stopped right by his side, not spating him a glance as you furrowed your eyebrowss at the ground and clinging to your book.

"Will you leave?" He asked sorrowfully before you sighed.

"... if you ever lay a hand on me again. I will do worst than just leaving Chisaki." You spoke harsly and he actually felt fear with those words.

It was almost commical. Him, leader of the yakusa and with a dangerous quirk, fearing his quirkless girlfriend.

The day this happened conpleted one month....

He saw your messages.

Family and friends of yours didn't know he was a yakusa. But it was explicit on various texts that the only advice they were given you about the relationship was leaving him.

His heart actually clenched at it. Trembling hand holding the cellphone as hot drops of tears fell from his eyes.

He did fucked up...

The presents only increased. You felt good enough to eat again and even chattered more happipy around the precepts and with your therapist.

Everything was great... except for your current situation with your boyfriend.

You knew Kai had never the intention to use his quirk. Anger and exhaustion could inflect on someone's quirk and made them do mistakes they never meant to. But you were still avoiding him due to the trauma of having your hand literraly being overhauled and the hurtfull words he said.

That was the first time Chisaki took his anger out on you... yet you were still petulant about not giving any of your attention.

The only comfort you noticed he had was that you didn't flinched anymore when he moved or try it to get closer. Key word: try.

Of course you noticed he was deeply affected to it. To the point that even Rappa out of all people came to you to just ask to talk to him was alarming.

You were walking on the hallway before you made a confused sound at Chrono whoose whistle and mentioned with his fingers to make you come over where he was.

"What's the problem?" You asked and furrowed your eyebrows at seeing your suitcase on his other hand "why are you with my-?"

"Overhaul asked me to pick. He wanted to know if you would like to move." Your eyes widened at his words.

"Move? Is he kicking me out?"

"No." He shook his head before handling you a paper where it showed you all pictures of a luxury apartment "He just wants to know if you would be interested on living there instead."

"Huh..." you frowned at the paper before you lift your gaze at Chrono sighing and taking off his mask.

"He is tearing apart (Y/n)." You frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"Kai is conplicated. We all know. But I swear to you i never saw him like that. During this three months, he only worked at his bedroom. Didn't eat. Didn't clean... you see what I mean?"

You frowned even more... was he just as much hurting as you were?

"He is torn. Basically... it just activated a past trauma of his what he did."

"Past trauma? What the-" you stopped when he patted your shoulder.

"Not important. So? You want to or not?"

"... not entirely but just a few things." You mourned on your decision as he nodded,putting his mask back and going into Chisaki's office.

"... i see. Take her there."

"Kai come on... you guys at least can talk to each other-"

"No Chronostasis." He froze at the broken tone of voice of hsi friend as he stared with a empty look at the window. "She deserves a place of her own. Living with me would only make her worst."

"What about you then?" He chuckled sadly before rolling his eyes to see Chrono.

"I am just simply living through what a monster deserve."

....

(A/n):phew! Just came back with a amgsty scenario! Let me know if you guys want a second part of it! It just got way too big for one post.

#overhaul x reader #chisaki kai x reader #bnha villains #overhaul #chisaki kai #bnha fanfiction #bnha fanfics #bnha villains x reader #zuffer writings #my hands hurt but was worth it

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fuck-customers · 3 years

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When i was the cash office associate at WalShart, one of the CSMs decided I was his therapist. He would come in to start his shift and when he would see me he would say stuff like "goody the doctor is in", then begin to vent and info dump so much to me. I told him several times very nicely that I had to do my work, that I did like "our talks", but that he had a job to do and so did I. He didn't take the hint and continued just venting so much to me. Its not that I didnt care, but for starters, he never checked if I was in the right headspace for the stuff he told me. Second, I barely knew him, like literally 90% of the shit he told me you don't tell someone you only knew for a few weeks. Third, he always spoke, i never said anything and when I did he would make it about himself. Finally. I just got tired of it. It was disrupting my work and just way too much for my mental health. He told me stuff like how he had so many problems with his wife. I'm not sure why, but he was flat out so racist towards her, Idk even know why they were married. He was very islamaphobic too and she came from an Islamic background. I'm going to not let out some of the stuff he said because i know it'll upset people, but keep in mind I was never okay with any of those comments and told him to stop and he would continue regardless. One day he got into a fight with his wife cause his 10 year old daughter bit his 2 year old stepson. He apparently had a rule that his wife cant discipline his daughter since she's not her daughter and vice versa. He said that he was just going to take away TV privileges, but his wife argued that it wasn't enough and that his wife didn't have the right to tell him how to discipline his daughter. Idk. I found it messed up because by age 10 a child should know that they shouldn't bite a toddler and his wife did have every right to be upset since I did see a picture of the bite and I'm honestly shocked the baby didn't need stitches. Then his wife got pregnant and get this, his wife was allowed to have boyfriends (like other intimate partners) and she said she didn't think the baby was his. So my co-worker texting some girl she didn't like and oh my god. It all happened during work and he was crying and i told him to go home and settle things but he refused. She called his parents and told them everything and they called him at work and oh my god everything was extreme and just too much. She apparently wanted a divorce and yadayada and during that day he didn't do any of his CSM stuff, he just cried in the cash office and i tried confronting him and he should be thankful our GM was off that day. Then the next day everything was apparently fine? He just wasn't allowed to text girls anymore. Then they got rid of the cash office associate position so I moved to another part of the store and i was so glad. But he would come and again info dump so much to me. Ugh! It was so annoying. Then one week when I had finals his wife's baby was born (yeah I don't think the baby was his, sorry) and i remember being so sleepy and he came and basically yelled at me how I had no right to be tired cause he had a newborn keeping him up and how dare anyone besides him be tired. He finally got fired and i was so thankful. Im sorry, I know that was probably hard on him and his family, but he had no right to mentally exhaust me the way he did and then to go look for me and treat me like a therapist especially after I attempted to establish boundaries several times was so annoying. Also, I'm sorry, his marriage was garbage. He should have just divorced her, they didn't even like each other's kids. He always brought his home problems to work and took them out on people uninvolved who tried helping. I'm just so glad I don't see or talk to him anymore.

#Anonymous

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honeypirate · 3 years

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Easy Living part two

Part one

Obi Akitaru x Fem!reader

Obi Akitaru falls in love with the girl at the rock show

Also ducks survived the cataclysm

Song one

Song two

Song three

Song four

Song five alternate version

Obi didn't see you outside of the office where you were doing paperwork. He thought you were avoiding him but you interacted with him during office hours so he couldn't really convince himself at first. You had said you were too tired to eat with everyone and just wanted to rest, which is how you got out of family dinners and could sneak in and eat after everyone leaves.

After a week and a half of this, he plans to find you and talk to you. Oh how he missed your jokes and your presence. You get back from your physical therapy and he meets you at the door “come with me” he says and takes your good hand “we’re going out”

You get ice cream, and just walk the town for a while. You figured he would want to talk soon but to be honest you havent quite dealt with your feelings yet. You didnt know what to say. Hey sorry Captain I’ve been avoiding you a little so i could squash all the romantic feelings i have for you since you only want to be best friends. No hard feelings? Also I feel like a failure because Im useless right now?

No. You couldn’t be that honest, but you would be honest enough

He stops by a bench next to the trees that have started to bloom in the warm spring air. You sit beside him, a little farther than usual and he sighs “talk to me. Please” he says softly and you swallow “about what?” you ask, your voice a little shaky and nervous. “y/n” he sighs “okay, i’ll just ask. Why have you been avoiding me after we had tea?” he leans his elbows down on his thighs and looks over at you.

You swallow hard and look down at your toes, giving your ice cream cone you were nursing a lick to buy some time.

“Obi, i’ve just been really tired. It wasn’t you. I promise. As you said, we are best friends forever. Please dont think im avoiding you i promise im not really. It’s just so hard to not use my arm, i cant do my job like i need, i feel like im useless. And youre my Captain! i dont want to be less than you deserve as a team member”

He brushes your hair back behind your ear and you gasp, looking from your toes into his eyes. “I’m your friend first remember? And so here I am, asking you as a friend, please dont think you have to avoid me. I dont think less of you because youre injured, youre not broken or ruined, youre just hurt. And you’re perfect the way that you are at any moment so dont even start with thinking you’re less than anyone. Youre incredibly strong and smart always. Let me be there for you. Right now as a man and not as your captain. Okay?” you feel your heart rate beat erratically in your chest and you kick yourself form coming along. Those perfect things he said to you from the perspective of a f r i e n d. God you loved him so much it hurt. Hurt because he doesnt love you back. More than a best friend anyway.

You do your best to go back to normal, you talk to him more, forcing yourself to attend dinners and joke like normal, ignorning the growing cracks in your heart.

A few weeks later, after a mission you werent allowed to go on, Obi announces a celebration “Since we just had a successful huge mission, we will be celebrating and inviting the companies we have friends in. so the 5th, 7th, and 2nd, will all be attending.” you dont deny that youre excited. You love celebrations because it meant the best barbeque plus you cant wait to talk to Hibana and Konro.

That night after your physio you talk to Maki and Vulcan, planning to take care of the entertainment for the night. Vulcan on the drums, Maki on the electric guitar, and you on vocals. You spent the next few days preparing and getting all the music sheets for them from songs you all put together. A list of 8 songs that everyone would enjoy, or so you hoped.

Your arm didn’t have to be in a sling anymore, it was healed but the muscles were tight and the scar tissue hurt. you had to work through that but your physical therapist said you would work that slowly and it would be almost 100% again.

When the day arrived for the celebration you felt nervous as hell. “Are you excited to do this?!” Vulcan says and pats your good shoulder and you laugh “I’m nervous and excited” Maki squeals as she does a sound check on her guitar “this is going to be so cool!”

When you guys move out to the stage, you get everyone’s attention by tapping the mic, a squeal going through the speakers before Viktor adjusts some settings on the computer.

“Hey guys. We put together a little entertainment for you all. Hope you enjoy it” you look around at everyone as they make their way over to the stage. Obi’s eyes were wide and he was grinning ear to ear, you didn’t tell many about this so it could be a surprise and you knew that was a good choice with the look in his eyes. He made his was to front of the crowd, whistling loudly as Maki began to strum.

Vulcan hits the drums as you begin to sing

“Scar tissue that I wish you saw

Sarcastic mister know-it-all

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you 'cause

With the birds I’ll share” after the first verse your eyes flick down to Obi and he has the biggest smile you’ve seen. It makes your heart flutter as you wink at him as you sing the chorus

“With the birds I'll share this lonely viewin'

With the birds I'll share this lonely viewin'”

The end of the first song everyone cheers loud and you feel proud as you laugh with the excitement and atmosphere. Obi is your loudest cheerleader.

Vulcan leaves the drums to stand by the keyboard for the next song as Maki plays the chords.

“You belong among the wildflowers

You belong in a boat out at sea

Sail away, kill off the hours

You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, find you a lover

Go away somewhere all bright and new” your eyes flick down to Obi and you smile softly

“ I have seen no other

Who compares with you”

Some people hold up lighters and those with fire abilities hold some fire up and sway side to side, the atmosphere is light and easy, a moment where no one is thinking about infernals and government problems.

You sang the four softer songs Maki chose first before taking a water break then going back on stage to finish strong with four songs you were excited about since you knew they were some of your and Obi’s favorites.

You look down at Obi when the music starts and the recognition in his eyes makes you grin. You know most people in your company know this song because of Obi. “You show us everything you've got

You keep on dancin' and the room gets hot

You drive us wild, we'll drive you crazy

You say you wanna go for a spin

The party's just begun, we'll let you in

You drive us wild, we'll drive you crazy

You keep on shoutin', you keep on shoutin'”

You feel your body feel with pride when the crowd sings the chorus and you realize more people know those song then you thought

“I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day x4”

The cheering at the end of this song makes you laugh before you take another drink of water and move on to the next few songs until you end with the last two you were excited about.

“Okay everyone. Two left” you smile at the boos that are scattered “ We’re glad you liked this show and hope you had fun here. There’s extra food so if you’re hungry make sure you fill up” You wink at Obi again as you begin to sing the song as he whistles loudly when the guitar begins, throwing his fists in the air doing his devil horns.

“This is a thing I've never known before

It's called easy livin'

This is a place I've never seen before

And I've been forgiven

Easy livin' and I've been forgiven

Since you've taken your place in my heart”

This one was one of your favorites and you got into it dancing around on the stage. When it ends you laugh and smile as they cheer. “Okay guys. I dedicate this last song to the companies here tonight thank you all for making this not a complete failure. I was nervous but now.. this has been a dream come true of mine honestly. Anyway. For you” you look down at Obi and he nods and then whistles again when he recognizes the song

“A company always on the run

A destiny, oh it's the rising sun” the crowd cheers and you get goosebumps

“I was born, a shotgun in my hands

Behind the gun

I'll make my final stand, yeah

That's why they call me” you look down at Obi and he sings with you

“Bad company

I can't deny

Bad, bad company

'Til the day I die

Until the day I die”

Your voice fades out and Vulcan and Maki finish their notes and the crowd goes nuts. You bring Vulcan and Maki up and you hold hands and bow before waving and exiting the stage.

A few pats on the back and many people telling you how great that was was a little overwhelming and Obi could tell. He pushes through the crowd and takes your hand “gotta borrow this rock star for a moment excuse us please” he says and takes you with him behind the stage where he could let you take a breather.

“Looked a little overwhelmed with the loving crowd” he says and leans against the side of the wall behind the stage. “Just a bit. Thank you Obi” he hasn’t stopped smiling and his eyes are filled with stars for you. “I didn’t know you could sing Little Duck” he says and you chuckle “there’s a lot you don’t know about me Obi” you say with a smirk and drink of your water bottle. “And I love discovering new things about you.” he says softly and you feel your cheeks flush under his soft gaze “is that right?” You ask in a flirty tone and you cock your head with a smile. “Yes. It is” he says and you stare into each other’s eyes for a moment, soft smiles and a warm feeling growing in your bones.

“Hey y/n I brought you some food since we missed out” Vulcan says and hands you a plate “you’re a lifesaver Vulcan thank you!” You say and take it with a grin. Obi kicks himself for not thinking of that and scowls at the weird jealousy he feels spike in his heart at the way you smiled at Vulcan. He shakes his head and excuses himself to go talk to Hinawa.

“That was weird” Vulcan says and you raise an eyebrow in question, mouthful but he understood you “he looked at me like I just flirted with his girl. How weird is that?” You laugh and your cheeks dust slightly pink “I’m sure there was something else on his mind, we’re just friends” you say and take another bite of your barbecue, moaning a little about how delicious it is. Vulcan just shrugs “that was really amazing. Great idea y/n! It was so fun. If you ever wanna jam again I’m down” you smile and nod “I’ll take you up on that sometime”

“Are you sure you don’t have feelings for her?” Hinawa says, acting like it’s annoying him that he has to have this conversation to hide the fact he finds it entertaining that his Captain is so blind. “She’s been my best friend for so long. Wouldn’t I have had feelings for her before today?” Hinawa sighs “are you sure you haven’t?” Obi feels like his mind expands as he connects the dots. “Well damn” Obi says with a slight smile teasing the corners of his mouth and Hinawa shakes his head.

After that night you didn’t see Obi outside of work for a week. It was weird. Like the tables have turned and now you don’t know why he’s avoiding you. He calls you into your office and you feel a little worried.

“You wanted to see me sir?” You said as stood at attention in front of his desk. Outside of this room you felt like he was your Obi but every time he calls you into his office you feel completely different. The atmosphere he held in that room for you, powerful and commanding, you were intimidated and slightly turned on but you never would allow yourself to think of that.

“I wanted to check in on how your therapy is going” he says, his face was stoic and level, but you see there’s something in his eye, something has changed. “It’s going well Sir” you raise your arm and show your limited range of motion “she says I’ll be back to good and cleared for duty soon, since I’m well enough now to have more frequent appointments.” he nods and makes a note on his small pad of paper. “Are your ignition abilities okay? Do you need training there?” You shake your head “no Sir. My abilities haven’t been effected” he nods once and then smiles, a soft smile that shows way more emotion from him than your used to “that’s all. I’m glad you’re doing well. Dismissed” “thank you Sir” you salute and then turn and leave, feeling extremely confused at the emotion you saw in his eyes.

You chew your lip as you pace the walkways of the company, pacing and thinking, (more like overthinking amirite) and trying to decide if you should talk to him. You somehow end up in the tallest room of the building, looking out over the town and the sunset. You get a flashback to your first day as a fire fighter, walking back to the truck with your team you were in the back of the group by Obi and he stopped to look at the sunset for a moment. “Remember y/n, take a moment to appreciate the beauty around you. It’s always taken for granted” that’s what he said to you that made you admire him. The original seed your feelings grew from. You smiled and turned, running down the steps to try and find him, to tell him.

“Hey Arthur have you seen the Captain?” You asked when he was the first one you saw “oh yeah. He just left with the girl from the flower shop” you raise your eyebrows “left with Margret? Why?” He shrugs “I don’t know. Probably a date. She seemed really happy” you laugh once in shock “huh” you say and he just shrugs, going back to his pretending to be a knight with his plasma blade as you walk out of the room.

You pace the halls again until you eventually give up. You won’t tell him. He’ll never know. You hope he’s happy with Margaret, she seems like a lovely woman.

Every day being around him sucks, you wish you could take some time off to go away for a little bit so you wouldnt have to see him, wouldnt have to feel the pain anymore. It made you look forward to your physio appointments but even those are ending soon, only two left before you're cleared. Dont get you wrong, you are excited to be cleared to work again, paperwork was beginning to annoy you, but you were going to miss the excuse to get out every once in a while so you wouldn't have to see him anymore. At least until you have gotten over him.

He notices you pulling away, avoiding him again. He doesnt understand everything was going so well. He was planning this big confession and spent forever with the florist planning the perfect bouquet and getting her help on what girls would like in a confession, he has the whole thing planned out but now you wont even look at him uness you have to. He’s so frustrated! When did communicating with each other get this hard?

You get back from physio and he meets you at the door again, this time hiding his emotions and just giving you a look that tells you to follow him. He takes you to the same empty room you were in yesterday, at the very top of the company. “Captain?” you ask softly, your eyes on the ground and your hands gripping the strap of your bag that is across your chest hard enough to lighten your knuckles. “Little duck” he whispers softly, his voice held something you couldn't place, something you never heard from him before, and when you realize what it is your eyes meet his. It was pain.

“My little ducky” he says softly “why?” you feel your walls break, your hard work to build them up and forget about your love for the captain turned to ash as you cover your face with your hands, tears burning your eyes. “I.. I just” you swallow hard and pull yourself together, you wont cry in front of him. You sniff and grit your teeth, dropping your hands and controlling the emotions on your face “I hope you are happy with Margaret” you say and look behind him, knowing if you saw his pain you’d for sure cry.

“What.. who the hell is margaret?” he says and you furrow your brows as confusing fills your mind. You look to your feet “Arthur said you’re dating Margaret, the florist” he laughs “her name is Margaret? I thought it was Molly, that’s awkward. But no, I am not dating the florist. Why would you believe aAthur? He thinks he's a knight ninja king or something”

“I uh, i gota go” you say and turn to leave but he takes your hand, pulling you to his embrace. “No you dont” he whispers and gently holds your head to his chest. “Tell me. I need you to tell me what is going on. Right now on this roof we are going to tell each other everything we’ve been hiding, starting with how you have been avoiding me again” you feel your eyes burn again, this time because of how frustrated you were with your stupidity..

“I feel so stupid i dont want to say” you mumble into his chest and he laughs “my precious ducky, please tell me” he says softly and you pull back, deciding to look into his eyes when you tell him the truth. “I couldn't deal with being around you knowing how much I love you since I thought you were with someone else. It hurt too much to see you. I thought i lost my chance”

He laughs softly “how could i fall in love with anyone else when the best woman is right in front of me?” you look up at him with a shocked expression and you almost turn to look behind you to see if there was anyone else there but you controlled yourself. You just cleared your throat and asked “what?” he laughs and cups your cheek, his strong callused hands holding you gentler than you could have ever imagined after seeing him crack a jar of pickles when he was opening it.

He leans down to your ear and whispers “I love you. I've loved you since the beginning. My little ducky” you gasp and turn your face to connect your lips to his. You melt into him as his strong arms wrap around your waist, lifting you to his chest as he kisses you deeply, his tongue swipes at your lip and you meet him with your own, making him hum in approval as you runs your fingers across his short cut hair on the back of his head, the shaved hair tickling your palms before you move higher to get his longer lengths in your fingertips.

You didn't even remember him picking you up until your feet touch the ground again. “You love me?” you ask when you pull back, right up against his lips and he sighs softly, pressing his forehead into yours. “I love you y/n” he says and you feel your stomach flip as a slow grin spreads over your face before your hands move to his shoulders as your bag falls to the ground and you jump, wrapping your legs around his waist as he catches you easily with a laugh

You kiss his lips again, overcome with happiness, pecking them a few times quickly before peppering kisses around his face “i love you” you whisper between kisses and he laughs as he holds you tight, his heart fluttering to know you feel the same. You pull back and smile down at him “i'm sorry i was such an idiot” you whisper and then hop down from his arms. “you’re not an idiot sweetheart. If i found out you were dating someone else and not me, that would hurt. I would have to avoid you for a while too. I dont want you to be with anyone else but me” he says and you blush, your heart melting as you take his large hands in your own “so when ya taking me out on a real date big guy?” you ask with a blush and he smiles “since you asked, sweetheart, that’s kind of the reason i was with Maggie to begin with” “margaret” “yeah margaret. She was helping me plan the perfect way to confess to you, i had this whole pan. So this friday, you and me, 7pm. I have a reservation downtown and will be getting you the best bouquet of flowers you ve ever seen so get ready” you laugh a little awkwardly “sorry for ruining your plan” you say and he smiles, kissing your forehead “you haven't ruined anything. you love me, nothing is better than that. Plus this means i can kiss you sooner than i was hoping” he leans down and presses his lips to yours softer than before shooting tingles down your spine “and it’s so much better than I imagined” he admits and you grin “then dont stop” you whisper and he smirks “anything for you sweetheart” he says before his lips are crashing into yours again

BOONNUUSSSSS

“So whats this about a duck”

Shinra asks at dinner and you groan as Obi laughs hard. You look pointedly at everyone there “okay but this does not leave this table and if it does i will beat ALL of your asses, so its more incentive for one of you to not say a thing because imagine how the rest of you will feel about the one who spilled” they all nod with a laugh and Hinawa rolls his eyes, knowing you’d never dare to beat his ass.

“Back when Obi and i were greenies” you look to him and he has a shit eating grin on his face as he lays his hand on your knee under the table. “We were just normal fire fighters, so calls like getting a cat out of a tree was nothing new. But this was a call about a duck. I answered the phone and it went a little bit like this” you put your hand to your ear like a phone

“thank you for calling the Fire Defence Agency, my name is Y/n how may i help you today?”

your voice changes to sound like an older gentleman “yes, my duck is stuck, please help.”

voice is yours again “your duck sir?”

“Yes. Herbert the duck. He cannot fly. Come immediately. 2836 the street name rd”

“Then he hangs up. Obi and i were the only ones there since we were greenies and had to man the phones during lunch hour so we roll out and get to his house and sure enough a duck is stuck on top of this mans roof” you hold your hands up and try to shape it out for them “he had this house where the top was sort of curved like this just above his front door” you bring your hands up and around in an arc. The truck we have doesnt have the laddder but it’s not too high so Obi puts me on his shoulders and as i go to grab this little bastard he screams in my face and pecks my eye” Obi is laughing remembering it “hush let me finish” you say to him with a smile

“So this damn Herbert the duck, my eye is watering and it hurts and i'm cursing up a storm as Obi laughs his ass off and tries to hold me steady. i get a hold on Herberts back, holding down its wings so i can easily lift it into my arms and as i pull it towards me he pecks my OTHER EYE” Obi is holding in cackles, he knows whats coming and can hear the mans voice as clear as day in his head “then Obi brings me down and im crying uncontrollably, my eyes burning as this duck watches me smugly hand him over to his care taker and then the gentleman goes”

You change your voice to mimic the mans again “watch out, he’s a pecker” Obi is laughing so hard along with Vulcan and Shinra, the rest chuckling along with.

“And i'm standing there, eyes leaking unctronably from being pecked in both eyes, and he just takes his duck and walks inside his house. I had to go to the doctor and get vaccines for all these diseases that ducks apparently have.” Obi catches his breath and wipes his tears “you should have heard her on the way back from the doctor, two eyepatches on and going on a tangent about how ducks should have gone extinct and left the geese since they are much cuter. I couldn’t stop laughing the whole drive home”

You slap his arm playfully “you saw that picture at the museum they look so cute and kind!” he smiles and holds your hand “I wonder how Herbert the duck is doing” he asks and you smile “probably not as well as I am” you smile around the table at your team and friends, all smiling and still chuckling softly imagining your story.

(Later)

“I can’t believe that one of the first things you liked about me was my tangent about ducks” you say as you crawl into bed beside him. He laughs and wraps his arms around you, hugging you to his chest “you were so cute and funny. I knew I needed to keep you around me because you made life fun and wonderful because that’s who you are” you kiss his cheek as he continues, rolling over and holding you “I knew I wanted to have you forever but I was too dense to realize I loved you” he nuzzles into your neck and lays on your chest, his weight and warmth comforting. “I love you” you whisper and he kisses you neck softly “I love you sweetheart”

#obi akitaru x reader #obi akitaru x y/n #obi akitaru x you #obi x you #obi x reader #fire force obi #obi akitaru #fire force imagines

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olde-scratch · 3 years

Text

So I watched LUCIDS 1-4 without any prior knowledge...

and here were my thoughts. I didn’t watch any backstory or anything so enjoy my suffering.

PART 1

“So what happens when the people inside of their dreams go to sleep?” They die

“What happens when we wake up? Do they go on living while we’re not there?” THEY DIE-

“Who are they anyway?” they’re faces that our brain catalogs and stores for later use, although it’s also arguable that every time we dream we go to an alternate reality and inhabit the body of another version of ourselves. Now, were you in a car accident and trapped underwater or-

Are they twins?

(Me tuning out to do something)

“-the squirrel in spongebob was your soulmate, making you a Sandy simp-”

Me, snapping back to the video: hold up-

[missed the part about the worksheet, realized it when i rewatched 10 mins later to make this post]

yall speakin gibberish idk what youre saying-

“I’m gonna go to bed.” bro it literally looks like morning-

“You should get some sleep you look terrible.” i get six hours of sleep a night minimum and i look worse than him shut up bro-

“jump into someone else’s dream” ah i know this con-

why they all got the same face-

haha funni meme

“--an interruptiion can create feedback and tear them apart.” Death. I long for thee.

Is that Karl Jacob’s jacket?

“a second grader” makes me think this is a different school system. [i was wrong? i think?]

“[get him to] eat your apple”

[in the dream sequence] weird dream, but ive had weirder. now, Why Pamper’s-

why does he suddenly have a knife-

“You put a filter on the Dreamscape feed?”

“Technically, you are seven years old.”

???????????

the second hand embarrassment is UGGGHHH

[reading the description] you mean like the guy who was knocked out for 2 minutes on a football field and woke to find he’d dreamt 17 years of his life? oh this shall be Fun

PART 2

[I check the description] “jasper cult” what the fu-

how many camp camp references can i make during this

Is the apple a reference to religion or does the creator just really ilke apples?

“meal.”

“meal?”

meal????

Wait why couldn’t that guy eat the apple? If he wanted it in the fruit bowl, wouldn’t there be a chance of the guy eating it anyways?? Why can’t the guy who brought the apple eat it?

well he’s Dead

[debating if I should read the backstory}

n a h h h h h -

Was he gonna feed the dead guy the apple or something? Why is he upset about the apple in this scene???

oooo the grownups are fightinnnngggg

Is he an antagonist?

HE WROTE A BOOK???

oh now i want food

ESTABLISH JUSTICE ENSURE DOMESTIC TRANQUILITYYYYYYYYYYYYY

“I watched all those aforementioned shows” what shows did i miss something what-

man why you gotta hate on her jane austen fanfic let her live bro

string theory! i can get behind that! sorta-

o no he found the memes-

BOY GOT KNOCKED OUT-

kim there’s people that are dying-

is SHE an antagonist?

quinn? calling himself jasper? u sure hes not just nonbinary? is this just a metaphor for transphobic parenting?

“He died... but somewhere, he grew up.” So is your plan to take a Quinn from a different universe and make him your own, thereby robbing another version of yourself from happiness? When does this ever go well?

Yknow most people, when they lose a kid,,,, kinda,,,,,,, dont go on a ceaseless quest to find another version of their kid that grew up without knowing that another version of his mother was invading other peoples’ dreams to find and kidnap him,,,,,,,, like aint u got a therapist-

“Once you get past the point of not knowing what’s real anymore, you realize it doesn’t matter.” Well, I Got Called Out-

PART 3

“you’re real, oliver.”

aRe yOu sUrE aBoUt tHaT-

“you’ve been infected by the anti-love parasite of Mandadon” the amatonormativity is strong

so anyways ive been infected since birth hbu-

“James Jasperson, creator of Japple” did you mean to Fancy Well-Educated Man in a Black Turtleneck? cause the only FWEMBT i allow near me is prof. hidgens

“are you winning?” says the capitalist

why did you rewind to see his face?? you have the same face????? is this just bc the creator doesnt like working with other people cause in that case same but???????

“it’s a bad idea. i’m not gonna do it.” we’ve all been there. and we’ve all done it.

looks like me trying to study. (i say, a person who has studied a total of five minutes throughout their entire life.)

your “Spartan trial” looks like a bunch of guys standing on a hill pretending to be something they’re not. Let The Man Bring His Snacks.

eat the apple.

is this your first existential crisis or something what a loser lets all point and laugh

“One of you should be spared, the other shall’nt.” did you mean shant or was that a choice-

yall gonna get called out for talking shut UP

“sorry if this is too personal, btw. are you okay?”

me, confused and half understanding what’s going on and also needing to sleep cause its almost one in the morning but wanting to finish what i can find of lucids which i only starting watching cause i saw an animatic of ranboo and dream w audio from it: i don’t know anymore

“i just want my life back... i was gonna get married-” AREN’T YOU LIKE SEVEN-

ay man if this is a sacrificial cult yall gotta get daniel-

UPDATE: I H A V E N O T F O U N D I T -

“oliver”

I F O U N D I T -

WHICH ONE IS QUINN?? WHO’S JASPER???? WHICH ONE IS BENJAMIN???? I THOUGH BENJAMIN WAS SEVEN BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE GETTING MARRIED WHAT-

oliver. eat the apple.

“Can you still have memories even when you’re dreaming?” One time I woke up to my alarm and fell back asleep and in my dream I remembered that I had class in a few minutes and my dream self woke my real self up so fast I thought I was gonna get whiplash. Anyways, I was late to class bc of my computer but that doesn’t matter.

NOPE I FOUND IT. HERE’S THE AUDIO. THE ANIMATIC ONE. FINALLY.

im thinking car crash. but also maybe murder. but also maybe both? is it raining or was he drowning? is he in a coma? hmmmmmm?

wait olivers the one with the apple does that mean he’s the one dreaming? is the ending gonna be him and jasper (quinn? idk) fighting against ben and mrs hills about jasper eating the apple to save oliver from the dream? hmmmmmmmmmm-

waitwaitwait i thought oliver was 7 how is benjamin 7 years younger than him if they look the same age what what what explain america explain what you mean arkansaw-

are the cuts on his nose plot-relevant or

“What if you hadn’t been driving?” So I was right about the car accident but Mrs. Hills still said he was seven so did i mishear her say that BENJAMIN was seven? but even then oliver would be 14 and that would still be illegal-

“How are you feeling?”

“Like you’re a pretty bad therapist.”

mood

“--it makes it all bearable to have power over the stories we write in our heads” that’s why i write fanfiction

HE’S GOT THE NOTEBOOK HE’S GONNA WRITE SOMETHING ONE OF US ONE OF US ONE OF US

WHAT YOU MEAN AN EXPERIMENT THAT’S HIS NAME-

[upon reading the description] so i was right.

wait was that supposed to be the twist in part 2 about the apple in his pocket is that what the existential crisis was about i thought it was because he was introduced to the multiple worlds theory-

PART 4

wait wasnt the other one january 2018 why we going back to 2017-

appol

“--the future and the past all already exist” mhm yep figured this out long ago

there was simultaneously a point in time in which i hadn’t known about this, had been looking it up, had been watching it, and had been writing an ending to this post, and had been posting it the next morning before class. that time is both now and not now. Welcome To The Multiverse Theory or whatever its called-

“--my favorite scene of the movie is waking up next to you.” Mine is eating fast food as I listen to AJJ and play Minecraft. We are not the same.

Now I’m hungry but it’s 1 in the morning and i already put my retainer in god fu-

[reading description] what do you mean previously??? she did that in the first episode????????

[still on description] WHAT DO YOU MEAN WILL QUINN BITE THE APPLE AND GO TO BENJAMINS REALITY ISNT THIS OLIVERS REALITY AND HE HAS TO GET BEN TO BITE THE APPLE WHY IS APPLE CAPITALIZED IS THIS THE DOING OF THE FWEMBT

i should have watched the backstory i should have watched the backstory i should have watched the backstory i should have wa-

[description] oh ive been spelling quinn right the whole time nice

i hope she rejects you /j

WAIT BENJAMIN WAS THE ONE GETTING MARRIED TO ISABELLE

ISNT HE IN SECOND GRADE-

HE IS SEVEN YEARS OLD HOW IS HE GETTING MARRIED ARE THERE TWO BENJAMINS THAT WE’RE FOCUSING ON-

bro get out of the road ull get hit

how do you knOW WHICH ONE IS QUINN THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON-

wait

hills wants ben to feed quinn the apple bc in his mind, that will give hills and quinn a happy ending and she doesnt want ben to see the apple bc thats gonna mean ben will know that his reality isnt reality at all. so then oliver has to,,,, not let anyone eat his apple? he just has to wake up?

IS HILLS THE VILLAIN AFTER ALL ORRRRR

wait but if ben sees the apple wont he realize that his reality is wrong and his reality will change, making it so that hills doesnt get her son? or is there some time-based rule that says they’re only transported to the reality that the person believes at that moment? or is this another stab at the multiverse thing where an infinite amount of hills gets their happy endings while an infinite amount of hills doesnt and etc etc?

i should have watched the ba-

oooo dramatique

they’re in a time loop?

nope thats a new powerpoint

wait so theyre,,,, no-

wait-

nvm-

IS THE BEN WE KNOW AN ADULT GETTING MARRIED TO ISABELLE OR NOT-

“they were actually pretty nice” didnt they throw someone off a cliff-

oh so it got confusing THEN??? NOT BEFORE?????

“it all seemed so real.” is that Not the point of vivid REM sleep hallucinations-

is oliver gonna show ben the apple and ruin hills’ whole operation

WHO ARE ALEX AND RYAN-

“what’s 25-8″ bro dont do this to me-

yep hes gonna show the apple

ayyy the guy who stole karl jacobs jacket it back

the second hand embarrassment is back and I Hate It

all that happens in episode ONE??? bro get some better writers that is bad pacing

“it’s the best!” wait until season eight. no show has a good season eight.

quinn knows about the apple thing w the dreams and multiverse and realities dont he

YOU KILLED HIM

NOT KARL JACOBS NOOOOO HES ALREADY DIED ONCE

oliver is v relatable

wHaT iN tArNaTiOn-

lemme hear that explanaton again-

is bill cipher gonna show up? i hope bill cipher shows up. i miss gravity falls

“ah! a tree! ah! a tree! ah a tree!” moooooooood

did hills murder quinn

is your family the jasper cult

TOXXIICCCCCC get that lady out of your life quinn that is so toxic

“ ah! a tree! ah! a tree! ah a tree! ah! a tree! ah! a tree! ah a tree!” mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S THE END NO WHAT WHY NO

The Adventures of Benjamin and Oliver

he is Not Good

ope-

wait so ben is equal parts an adult AND a child?? okay that clears a lot up

I MEAN HE WAS RIGHT THO BEN U CAN’T REALLY ARGUE ON THAT-

ew get off the floor

butterfly effect, multiverse theory, memory decay, and your imagination ALL exist yall gonna ignore that cause you wanna be famous?

“We already know what the future looks like!”

aRe yOu sUrE aBoUt tHaT-

to add to the list of bad things: Cats (2019)

YA BOI THINKS IT’S NOT ALREADY FIFTY YEARS TOO LATE TO START FIGHTING CLIMATE CHANGE FFFFF

BINGO BABYYYY

get what what

what mapped-

awwwww he thinks THEY’RE creating the multiverse

you gonna dismiss the multiverse theory bc of something you created in your current reality? loooserrrrrr

ABUSE YOUR GODLIKE POWERS

she draggin that seven year old

a lot makes sense now why didnt i do this first-

Jasper

the food shortages-

bro that calculators like 90 bucks at walmart

imagine meeting a stranger and they know Everything about your life like that’s gotta be so weird

what’s even weirder is them telling you you’re the deity of a cult that sacrifices animals

THAT FOURTH WALL BREAK WAS-

KARL JACOBS IS DEAD NOOOOOO

ooohhh there’s context for that

OOOOHHHH THERE’S CONTEXT FOR THIS TOOOO

w h a t -

W H A T -

Conclusion:

it’s 2 in the morning and i need sleep but hOOOOO MY GODS THAT WAS GOOD IS IT OVER OR NOT IDK ANYMORE IM TIRED THAT WAS CRAZY I HOPE QUINN AND JASPER GO ON TO BE VERY GOOD FRIENDS, AND I HOPE BENJAMIN AND OLIVER STAY VERY GOOD FRIENDS AND I HOPE HILLS FINDS A THERAPIST WAS A LITTLE CONFUSING BUT I ENJOYED IT

if i dream about apples im suing /j /lh

#lucids #nicholas podany #there's a metaphor in there somewhere #but im not gonna be the one to find it #i dont think i dreamed about apples #youre safe for now podany #for now #EDIT #I PUT 'something their not'#WRONG THERE #I HAVE NO EXCUSE #IM SORRY

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oneirataxxiaa · 4 years

Text

Give Us A Little Love

Request from Anon : Oof i pressed ask before i could end it. Here we go again:"Do you trust me?" "Always" "Look,a shooting star! Make a wish." "Take my hand." "Are you...blushing?" with YJ Kaldur.

Im so sorry for the wait Anon, I had some things I had to deal with. Made it long for you to make up for it! I’ve been listening to the song ‘ Give Us A Little Love ‘ by Fallulah so I kinda based the Y/N off that? used this as bit of a vent piece, Idk. Missed a prompt cause i couldn’t fit it in. Enjoy! *opens writing angst playlist*

warnings: serious angst. mentions of suicide, swearing, neglect, trust issues?

“Give us a little love, give us a little love . We never had enough, we never had enough”

***

Trouble seemed to follow her everywhere she went.

Never able to settle down, each time she felt as though she had found herself a forever home, Y/n L/n experienced something that would send her foster parents running to send her away. The daughter of an unnamed member of the League of Assassins and a civilian, the child who dealt with horrors no one should have to witness at an age such as that, Y/n learned early on to trust no one, do what's best for herself to stay alive another day.

Y/n was raised by her mother's guild until she was old enough to fight, being subjected to the terrors dealt by the League of Assassins, her childhood was disrupted. She developed little social skills beyond basic polite greetings and formal conversations. She understood the human body, not for science exams, but to know what the fastest way to kill a person was. She could fight her way out of any battle, but place her in a social situation and she would shut down. Unable to think for herself.

Y/n was fourteen when she was put into foster care, after Talia Al Gaul became pregnant with a son and there was a new heir to the league. Tossed away like a bag of trash, her mother didn't stand up for her, and her father wouldn't care for her. Pushed into the system and forgotten.

"What happened now?" Mrs Davis asked her husband. She looked tired, resting her head on her hand, her eyes half closed. Her husband of ten years shook his head.

"She punched someone, one of the upperclassmen bumped into her and she reacted by sending them across the hallway" the man was in his early forties, tired from work and stressed from the current situation.

"God, what are we going to do with her Luke? We can't home-school her, and she refuses to see a therapist! we've tried punishing her, rewarding good behaviour, doing nothing! I don't know what to do anymore" the woman sounded desperate. Her and her husband thought a good idea would be to take in a seventeen year old trouble child through fostering. Over the three months they had her, nothing quelled her radical behaviour.

Luke Davies sighed. Exhaling and rubbing a hand over his eyes with frustration. "There's nothing we can do" he paused, hating the idea that crossed his mind. "we'll have to put her back into the system. Our health and life is important as well, so, we have to take care of that" his wife nodded, looking down at her hands, tears of guilt pricking in the corners of her brown eyes, becoming heavy.

"I'll call Ruth in the morning then".

Beyond the kitchen, Y/n sat with her back against the wall, a scowl on her face as tears threatened to spill. 'emotions betray us, control them' her mothers voice rang in her ears, a memory of toddlers and nightmares and staying awake hoping and praying the monsters from the green pool wouldn't come for her. Y/n sniffed, her tears drying as she willed them to do. The teen hiked her bag further up her shoulder and took a breath, walking past the entrance to the kitchen and out the front door, ignoring the yells of her foster parents, Y/n started into a run, disappearing into the streets as dusk set in.

She didn't know when she ended up a the waters edge, but it was plenty after dark. The sun long gone and her foster parents left far behind. Y/n walked along the boardwalk, feet kicking at pebbles on the ground, sending them skipping across the concrete. Giving herself an idea, she picked up the pebbles as she walked, placing each small stone into the pocket of her jacket until she had quite the collection growing there. Further down the coast she could see a peir, stretching out over the water. That was her destination.

Voices were heard to her left, making the girl turn to see a couple whispering to each other, on dragging the other - who was laughing - towards the closed fairground further down. Y/n frowned at the freedom the two seemed to think they had, too distracted by each other to care about consequences of their actions. That was dangerous, a thrill that many couples took the chance on as far as she knew. As far as she knew, having no experience in that department anyway. The couple vanished from sight and their laughter faded into the night like a memory.

The concrete ground turned to wood, and the crunching of stones turned to occasional creaks and groans from the old wooden plants supporting the jetty. Y/n walked the length of it, reaching the end and standing still. The girl enjoyed the smell of sea salt, the crashing ambience of the waves and calls of birds gliding over the water. The moonlight seemed only to amplify the wild beauty of the ocean, making her want to stay there forever. Y/n picked a stone from her pocket, flicking it out with her wrist, it didn't even skip. Simply crashing into the water with a dissatisfying plop. The teen tried again, angling it further down and still failing to achieve the skip she wanted.

"you should bend your whole body, it helps get the right angle" Y/n jumped back, pulling a pocket knife from her jeans and flicking the blade out. Her eyes were narrowed at the person who snuck up on her out of nowhere. "its alright, I'm not planning on hurting you" raising his hands in a calming motion. Y/n didn't move. "if I was planning to, I would have done it when you didn't know I was here don't you think?" he reasoned, motioning for her to put down the weapon. A minute passed of the boy eyeing the weapon, then looking her up and down. Any movement either made sent the other into a split second panic. Seconds ticked by, and slowly, Y/n lowered the knife, tucking it back into her pocket. The boy let out a breath and walked a little closer. Now that he was out of the shadow of the buildings on the shore, Y/n could see his features clearly. A strange suit with two handles strapped on his back. Dark skin, glossy from the salt water, blonde hair in a close shaved buzz-cut, and pale turquoise eyes that looked darker in the night air.

"can i ask what you're doing out here on your own, throwing rocks into the water?" he walks closer, eventually standing beside her.

"you may not ask" she replies, taking another rock in her hand, pausing and considering the boys first words to her. Y/n bent sideways at the waist, bending her knees and swinging her arm, being sure to flick her wrist. With the added momentum and angle, the rock bounced three times of the surface of the water before sinking on the forth landing and vanishing under the waves. Content with the one victory, Y/n dug out the rest of the rocks in her pocket, holding out her full hand and dropping them into the water with a series of splashes. She watched the fall.

"A waste of rocks if you ask me" The boy said, now leaning against one of the support poles.

"I didn't"

"didn't what?"

"ask you, I didn't ask you" Y/n clarified, sitting down on the wood, watching the waves like a mesmerising swirl of hypnotising spirals, pulling her deeper in. It felt dark in her mind, dark and scary. She felt her own emotions smothering her, suffocating her and clawing to get out.

A tear fell.

Almost instantly, the boy was by her side, sitting on the wood beside her, legs hanging over the edge in the cold water. He didn't say anything, but every action he made clarified the idea that he would listen.

Y/n opened her mouth, throwing words into the wind, venting frustration, anger and confusion, her words a spiral of fear and unfamiliarity. She felt afraid, afraid she would get a proper family. It was her fault, her behaviour and actions drove these kind people away. But she could help it, couldn't stop herself from doing things that made foster parents scared to have her around them. She couldn’t control herself some times, lashing out in fear and anger to those around her. People were scared of her, avoiding her in the hallways, refusing to work with her for projects. It hurt, to be isolated, but she knew it was her fault. She closed her mouth, halting her words and looking down at the water, tears falling freely now, though there were few. She didn’t know why she was speaking to him, telling him everything that had happened. She didn’t want to

“you’re allowed to react how you have been, nobody should expect you to stay quiet through everything that happened” The boy said, crossing his legs underneath himself. Y/n stayed silent, looking out at the water. “do you feel better? letting everything out?”

She nodded, raising to her feet, Y/n kicked her foot against the ground, frowning.

“Uh- thank you-”

“Kaldur” he said.

“Thank you Kaldur” she nodded, sticking her hands in her pockets and turning on her heel to head back towards the Davis’ house. Leaving the strange boy behind her.

***

It shouldn’t have surprised her that her foster parents had called to return her. She found herself sitting in the police station, being picked up by a cop car when the Davis’ reported her as a runaway. Sitting with her head rolled back on the chair, her legs kicked out in front of her and her hands behind her head, Her mind was slow, running over scenarios in her head of what would happen to her. Would she be thrown back into the system? Would they put her out on her own? She would be eighteen in a month. Would they just throw her out on her own, to deal with what lay ahead with nowhere to turn?

Y/n looked conflicted, alone and confused. Which is what interested one of the training detectives. He was young, around eighteen or nineteen, but his connections helped jump start his dream career.

“What are you in for?” He asked. Y/n looked up. This one had dark hair and blue eyes with a spark in them that made her wonder what was going on in his head. He looked like he was planning something, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to find out exactly what it was going on in his head.

“Running away apparently” she shrugged, sitting up and crossing one leg over the other in a more comfortable position. Dick frowned, sitting himself in the chair across from her and leaning his arms on his knees. He didn’t wear a uniform like most of the officers in the station, having on a blue shirt, black cotton jacket and jeans. He looked almost casual, at home in the station among officers much older them himself. But something told Y/n he was smarter then he looked.

“Why’d you run away?”

“Why should I tell you?” Suspicion rose on her voice. Dick sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

“I’ve done the same stuff, when I first moved in with my adopted dad I ran away three times in the first week” that made Y/n laugh a little, shaking her head with amusement.

“In one week?”

“yep, was probably my best achievement at that point in my life” he grinned, “I was thirteen as well”

“Good on you” the girl nodded, picking at the corner of her shirt, pulling a thread out and watching the fabric bunch up.

“Yeah, then I settled into the house, and well, thats that I guess”. He trailed off, making Y/n frown and look down.

“Its not that easy”

“Its not, not when you don’t try” He looked like he was trying to help, but he was just pushing her further out of her comfort zone.

“I did try!” Y/n exclaimed. “I tried so hard to be a good kid, I can’t help it . . .” her outburst faded quickly and Dick got to his feet.

“I’m going to make a quick call, i’ll be back, I promise” his smile was infectious, and Y/n returned it, looking at the floor again as she ran a hand over her face and then rested her arms on her knees, an uncomfortable position, but she didn’t seem to care about it in the moment. Time passed, and Y/n seemed to be ignored by officers who walked past. The occasional person would send a smile her way but ultimately, she felt like she was on an island, in the middle of the sea of people who were judging her for being there.

“Alright, you’re all set!” Dick appeared out of nowhere, phone and keys in hand. His sudden appearance made Y/n start in surprise, looking at him with wide eyes for a second before calming down and settling again.

“What?” Y/n asked, confused, getting to her feet and following the boy as he gestured for her to follow him. They walked from the office, out into the hallway and towards the lobby room, filled with various civilians and criminals being brought in for holding.

“I, being myself, made a call to my dad, we’ve got this big house in Gotham City, and there’s heaps of room for someone to stay, even with Tim living there and Barbara dropping in from time to time” Y/n didn’t recognise any of the names he dropped, but things were starting to click in her mind. “I’m Dick Grayson by the way” and that was when it all came together in her mind.

“You’re Bruce Wayne's son!” The girl stopped walking, eyes wide in surprise. She wasn’t sure how she didn’t see it before, the man looked just like the pictures of Bruce and his kids that she had seen on the news online. He was usually pictured with Bruce, and a shorter boy with dark hair. Seeing her reaction to it, Dick took a breath and rolled his eyes. As if he had to deal with such reactions on the daily - which was probably the actual case.

“Yep, now come on, or do you want to stay here moping all day?” the boy grinned and walked out of the building. Y/n looked back at the officers, milling around the station, nothing interesting catching her eyes. Taking a breath and holding it for a moment, Y/n followed him out the door as she let said breath out.

The car park was fairly empty, considering how early in the morning it was, and that most people had just walked there to avoid traffic considering the station was central in the city of Bludhaven. Dick lead her towards a car parked on the far side. Y/n wasn’t an expert on cars, but she could tell that this was expensive - far more then she could afford - and certainly in the price range of a billionaires son.

“Can I ask where we are going?” Y/n questioned when he opened the door for her. He nodded, closing the door behind her and walking around to the drivers side of the vehicle. Closing his own door and pushing the keys into the ignition, he replied.

“I called Bruce, as I said, he’s finalising some paperwork to foster you - so we are heading to the manor in Gotham! Not too long of a drive”. Y/n stared at the dashboard in front of her with wide eyes, processing what was happening. A few hours before, she was sobbing and venting everything to some random boy on the pier, and now she was moving in with a billionaire. It was a startling change, the suddenness of it started crashing down on her. “Do you have anything you want to pick up from your old place?” Dick asked, turning the wheel to get them out onto the road, following the signs towards Gotham City.

“No” was her simple reply, tucking up her legs, Y/n positioned herself to look out the window, watching the city flash by, a swirl of bright lights and dark corners and alleys.

***

“Are you sure you’re ready to work with everyone?” Dick asked, tapping on the zeta panel, his stance was casual enough, but his eyes kept glancing towards Y/n checking up on her to make sure she was alright. Something he’d been doing since she’d moved into Wayne manor all those months ago. Y/n herself however felt nervousness curling in the base of her stomach, clutching at her chest and making her feel a little sick. Not like she was going to throw up, but it certainly wasn’t helping to steady her nerves. The girl looked towards him when he spoke, shaking her head.

“I’ll be fine Dick, I already know most of the Team anyways, i’ve known Kaldur longer then i’ve known you” Dick shook his head with a small laugh leaving his lips. A beep emitted from the panel, and their location was locked in.

“Alright, first official team mission here we come then!”

“what are you going on about, you’ve been on missions before”

“that’s not what I- you know what, no, i’m not letting you have this win” he grinned, securing his mask and walking up to the platform, Y/n following him.

“sore loser?” she asked, matching his grin and standing beside her adopted brother.

“says you” was his quick reply before they were swallowed by the bright yellow light of the zeta tube. It was always strange to travel this way, stretched across a far distance only to be snapped back into place where they had set their destination. This mixed with the feeling of unease that already settled within her system made her clutch her stomach as they reappeared in the zeta entrance to the cave the mission room sprawling out in front of them, various heroes spread out, chatting amongst themselves as if there wasn’t a serious mission about to occur. Heads raised when her and her brothers names were announced by the computer, most turned back to their conversations, but one stayed up, looking towards them, and eventually walking in their direction. Y/n heard him before she saw him.

“Nightwing said you’d be joining us” Kaldur smiled as a greeting, “Are you alright? you look like you’re going to be sick” the smile turned to a neutral expression of concern, something that seemed to appear a lot when Y/n was around. He always had an eye out on her, to make sure she was alright, make sure she was feeling her best. Y/n smiled softly.

“I’m fine, just a lot of people that I haven’t met” she replied. When Y/n first encountered the Team, she had just started vigilante work with Nightwing, and was only introduced to Artemis, Wally and Zatanna, and reintroduced to Kaldur. It was awkward for a few weeks before the two fell into a comfortable friendship. Still confiding in each other with troubles and fears, but their relationship with each other was more stable then the random meetups on the pier. They became close, usually found together when they both had free time. Y/n could confidently say that he was one of her closest friends, alongside Nightwing and Zatanna.

His expression changed, from concern to understanding, the smile returning.

“you’ll be alright, its not a big mission, just some surveillance” his words helped her a little, the nerves calming down. He rested a hand on her shoulder as perhaps some kind of reassuring act, but it sent a strange feeling through her mind.

“yeah, alright” she swallowed, looking forwards, and hoping beyond hope that the burning feeling rising to her cheeks and ears was covered by her domino mask. Unfortunately, luck didn’t seem to be on her side at that moment.

“Y/n, are you . . . blushing?” Kaldur asked, drawing her attention back to him, instead of hyper fixating on making the blush fade.

“No” she replied, glad that her training with Nightwing and Batman left her with a good control over her voice and expressions - the blush was something she had little to no control over unfortunately. She continued however, the question throwing her into a defensive reply. “Its not your business anyways”. That made her cringe at her own words and guilt crawled in her. Kaldur seemed to let out a breath, dropping his hand from her shoulders and stepping back a little.Y/n frowned at the movement. Had she offended him? Was what she said - lying - wrong? Y/n looked at the ground, fiddling now with the corner of her suits belt, her hands moving with nervous energy. Nightwing announced the mission details, explaining what each squad would be doing. He would be keeping an eye on everything from the cave, but Y/n herself was on a lookout team with Kaldur and Zatanna. Once the group split up into the teams and started heading out, Zatanna approached Y/n, smiling.

“Where’s Kaldur? I assumed he’d be with you” she looked confused, around as if Kaldur would be hiding.

“I’m not sure, he left a little while ago” Y/n turned, and Kaldur was indeed gone from where he had been standing. Zatanna lit up when she spotted him by the Zeta Tube.

“There he is, come on Y/h/n” Zatanna walked towards him, the other female following quickly behind. They were silent when travelling to their location. Even Zatanna seemed to see there was some sort of strange tension between the two heroes, though not sure where it had sprouted from. As far as Zatanna understood, the two were close friends. After arriving at the location, Kaldur spoke to Zatanna quietly for a moment, the girl nodded and Kaldur walked towards Y/n, holding his hand out.

“take my hand, please?” he asked, making Y/n frown as she couldn’t decern the tone of voice he was using. So, she took his hand and he pulled her off to the side, out of the earshot of Zatanna, who took over the job of keeping an eye out for what they were looking for.

“Do you trust me?” He asked, sitting her down on the ground and sitting across from her.

“Always” Y/n replied, quicker then she would have liked. Kaldur nodded.

“Then why don’t you tell me whats wrong? You’ve been cold lately, colder then usual, and I want to make sure you are alright, and if there is anything that I can do to help you” Y/n looked down, scratching her arm nervously. She mustn’t have been as subtle as she would have liked then. Kaldur sat up a little straighter. “I don’t mind you taking your time, but I would like to know if I can help you in any way”

“I like you” she replied. Cringing at her bluntness. He was definitely sitting up straighter now. “And I don’t know how to deal with it - and i’m sorry if I've been rude to you, or anything like that” she paused. “I’m just not sure what to do, and I don’t think i’m ready for anything serious, but i’d like to see where it goes and-” Y/n paused to take a breath. Thats when Kaldur interjected.

“Y/n, slow down a little bit please, you don’t need to explain anything to me” he smiled.

“I’m sorry”

“don’t be, you don’t need to apologise for experiencing hardships, you take your time and take steps at your own pace, and i’ll be right there beside you when you need me” He got to his feet, offering his hand to help her up.

“Sorry- uh, thank you Kaldur” she smiled, and he returned the expression.

“If you guys are done? We’ve got some movement down there” Zatanna called to them from where she was set, watching over the empty cortyard.

“We should probably get back to work” Y/n laughed nervously.

“Probably” Kaldur replied, the two walking towards Zatanna.

Some relationships aren’t sudden. They require communication between both parties, settling on what best fits them. And Y/n? She just needed time. So Kaldur would wait until she was ready.

***

THIS TOOK 10000 YEARS . HERE YOU GO

onto DCACB chapter 3

requests are open! tag list : @silverdecepticon93 @izzieg3987 @starr60

#young justice #young justice oneshot #young justice x reader #young justice headcanons #Kaldur'ahm #kaldur x reader #kaldur #aqualad x reader #aqualad #batsis #the team #oneshot #nightwing #zatanna

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letspurpletogether · 5 years

Text

Out of the Void || BTS

↳ Summary: The one where the boys stumble upon that one fic and they all end up reading. (This is a crack fic inspired by @btssavedmylifeblr’s Void, because my own words are not enough to describe how an amazing story Void it is, and what a outstanding writer Bee is).

⇢ Warnings: BEWARE OF SPOILERS!! This things should be full of them so I suggest you to read all of Void before reading this just in case. Also, for those entitled rude anons: stop demanding updates from the fan fiction writers like they owe you shit, cause they don’t! And stop coming at them to complain about their publishing schedule. This is done for fun and for free, if you can’t be patient and respect their creative process then fuck off!

A/N: Also, I had so much fun writing this. I wanted to keep adding and adding stuff. However, since english is not my mother language i had some trouble describing the scenes the way I pictured them in my head. Therefore, I decided to leave it like this for now.

(TT-TT) Im sorry, Bee! I did try my best, I know it doesn’t do Void justice. But I still wanted to write it for you because Void is such an amazing story!

That’s it! Please,enjoy!

→ 01

[...]

He shouldn’t be doing this.

Hoseok checked over his shoulder again before turning back to the phone in his hands. It wasn’t like if someone were to come into his studio right now and catch him watching porn.

Hell, this was so much worse.

Especially considering how he was supposed to be working on the rap arrangement for the new song, and not checking out a piece of fan-fiction... If Namjoon were to catch him he was going to give him hell for days.

He had strictly advised the six of them against it several times, but to be honest Hoseok was to eager to find out what happened next to actually acknowledge the suggestion. Besides, he was he eldest of the two and it wasn’t like he had to listen to his band member. Joon was only the leader when the cameras were out. Inside their dorms he couldn’t even remember to wash the dishes when he was supposed to or take the clothes out of the dryer so they wouldn’t end up a crumble mess the next morning.

Also, it was all Jimin’s fault.

His dongsaeng had sent him the link without any explanation last week. It was a silly thing they did to each other trying to make the other cringe with whatever weird-ass story they could find, mostly on Twitter. It was all for the laughs but they had stopped doing it when Hoseok had accidentally send Seokjin a rather explicit piece that involved Jimin and Yoongi in a threesome with some kind of catgirl trying to get her pregnant. It was meant for the young boy, of course and that slip of hand had resulted in a hysteric Seokjin exposing them right in front of the others.

Hoseok has been so embarrassed after that he couldn’t even look at Yoongi in the face for a whole ass week. Even though his hyung had said it was fine. It didn’t help that Taehyung and Jungkook wouldn’t let the topic die either. Those rascals, he made sure to make them wore their asses off in the following dance practices.

But anyways, he and Jimin had agreed to stop.

So it was a surprise to receive a new link from him after a couple months. He’d ignored it at first, being too busy with practice and rehearsals to bother with checking it up. But yesterday while waiting for his appointment with the cupping therapist, he’d absentmindedly opened it and was actually surprised with what he’d found. Written in English, it was a space story... and they were astronauts!

At that moment he been too oblivious to care and read the warnings or summary on top of the post. For a moment of innocent wonder he actually got caught up in the first scene. He was a scientist in space, it couldn’t get any cooler than that! But of course, he had soon realized what type of story it was.

The problem was that it didn’t start right off with the porn part like most stories he’s found while browsing the darkest depths of the ARMY’s fandom. He’d read some weird shit himself, demons, half-animal people, male pregnancyㅡHell! even tentacles once. The kind of things his fans could come up with was exhilarating, and it blew his mind that the weirdest and kinkiest were for some reason the best well-written of allㅡ.

But this story was different.

It had a storyline, an actual estructure, inciting incident, clear stakes, the whole pack. Years listening to his father reviewing novels and short-stories had resulted in him developing an appetite for well-written stories. And even though the main character was that Y/N type their fans where so keen about, she wasn’t plain at all. She struggled, and that was nice to read. Besides, all that astronaut stuff sounded so legit that he almost consider the possibility of the author being an astronaut herself. He’d always been a fan of fantasy and sci-fi since he was child and his father brought him the entire collection of Jules Verne’s novels for his eleventh birthday. Stories about voyages to far and unknown places were his guilty pleasure, so of course he got hooked up with this piece faster than he’d ever with any other he’d read so far.

But he couldn’t finished the chapter that time because the masseur was already calling his name. The scrolling bar told him he wasn’t even half way through it, so he’d copied the link for later and went to the therapist office. So now there he was resuming his reading with renewed eagerness.

The main character had just arrived at a green house inside the ship. And there was Yoongi.

Hoseok huffed and raised an eyebrow when he realized this scene focused all on his elder. Wasn’t he supposed to be the main character here? Not that he complained, though. Yoongi’s fingers where indeed nice after all and wouldn’t blame the girl for obsess over them. But in most stories he’d read there was always a lead, and he assumed by the first scene it was going to be himself. Maybe this was a threesome?

He quickly scrolled back up to the story information, searching for the pairing section where he knew his questions would be answered. /OT7 x reader/

He flinched.

“All of us? What...?”. Did that mean everyone was a love interest? Or that the main character was supposed to screw all of them at once? How was that supposed to work if there was just one woman in the whole crew?

Oh wait...

The realization hit him. Of course, that was the whole plot. Seven guys and one girl, and they had to fight for her love? It was something like that for sure, wasn’t it? She would pick one of them and then they’d have sex. He kept reading—

«Your deepest darkest fantasies- the ones you always turned to on your most stressed and anxious nights - were the ones involving the entire crew. The idea of them finding out what a slut you were for them and passing you between them filled you with an embarrassing level of arousal. You would imagine them taking turns filling you until all your thoughts of loneliness and emptiness had been fucked out of you. And you would sleep like a baby.»

—or not...

He scratched his chin, a little confused now. Was this actually going to be gangbang? Or more importantly, was he actually going to read this till the end? He did like threesomes, not that he’d been in one... Yet. Their schedules hardly ever allowed them to properly date someone, and hooking up with a random stranger was way too risky with the level of fame they’d reached at this point. But the idea of threesomes was very appealing, although he’d never actually consider having a gangbang with all his members. However... he wasn’t going to cross off reading about one just yet.

Just as he was about to resume his reading, the door flew open and Jimin‘s face appeared. “Hyung!”

Hoseok jumped in his seat, his phone fell on his lap.

“Shit...!”, he took a deep breath and glared at his band member. “You almost gave me a heart attack, Jimin!”

A sly grin appeared on the youngest face.

“Why? What were you doing?”

Hoseok cleared his throat. Had he been discovered?

“Nothing”, he lied so poorly he wanted to smack himself on the face.

“You were totally reading it, weren’t you?”, Jimin chuckled. “Did you get to the video part already?”

“No, what video part?”

Jimin raised both palms.

“Sorry, not going to give you any spoilers”

Hoseok rolled his eyes. “Anyway... Why did you send it?” He asked, retrieving his phone and unlocking the screen again. “I thought we agreed on not doing that anymore”

“Yeah, but Taehyung send it to me”

“What?” Hoseok frowned, and turned around in his chair to face the boy. That was a surprise. “Why would he...?” He shook his head, sometimes Taehyung needn’t a reason to do the most random things.

Jimin simply shrugged.

“He also sent it to Jungkook and Namjoon-hyung”, Jimin ran his hand through his hair and giggled. “I think everyone is reading it now”

“Wait- What?!” Hoseok chuckled and raised an eyebrow. “Are you for real?”

“Haven’t you checked the group chat?”

“No, I was...” Hoseok pressed his tongue against his cheek. “-reading”.

“Huh”Jimin wiggled his eyebrows. “Is cool isn’t it?”

“Well, it’s ... interesting”, he conceded. Jimin let himself in and plopped down on the spare chair he kept in his studio in case he needed to work with the senior producers.

“Who do you think she’ll choose?”

“For what?”

“Come on, hyung.” Jimin snickered, “You know what I mean”

“Are you sure she is supposed to choose one of us?”

“What-? Obviously...”, Jimin shifted on the sofa, his face stared confused at Hoseok for a moment. But then he gasped, suddenly realizing what he mean. “Do you mean-? All of us?!”

“Why not?” Hoseok shrugged. “It’s just a story, anyways. You know some of our fans like kinky stuff and there’s nothing wrong with that”

“I mean! I know that! Its not-”. Jimin’s face turned a bright shade of red. “W-we shouldn’t be reading about that. What if they get... ideas!” He brought a hand to his forehead and looked back at him with a worried expression. Hoseok spluttered in a laugh, but it soon dwindled when he realized Jimin was actually serious about his concern.

“Jimin...”

“Goddamnit...!” Hoseok observed as his younger member stood up and facepalmed himself “I’m an idiot! I bet that was Taehyung’s plan all along”

“Taehyung’s plan was to have us... read fan-fiction?”

“About a gangbang!”

Hoseok rolled his eyes.

“It’s just fan fiction, Jimin. Not a proposition”, he said, but Jimin wasn’t paying attention to him anymore.

“The others can’t read that. I have to stop them”, and he was about to storm out the door, but Hoseok had to stop him.

“Hey, hey!”, he grabbed him by the elbow. “Now you’re just exaggerating”

“No, I’m not”, Hoseok couldn’t comprehend why Jimin was so scandalized. “We can’t have a gangbang, hyung!”

“No, no, no!”, he “First of all, no one is having a gangbang. Second of all, why does it bother you so much?”

“It doesn’t!”

“Really?”

“I just don’t want to be... I don’t want to share a partner with the six of you”

“Why, you’re worried she might like it too much and dump you?” Hoseok teased. However, upon seeing Jimin getting all self-conscious, the smile was erased from his face.

“Jimin, come on. You don’t really think that would happen”

“I don’t know, you are all good looking and mature, and more talented that-“

“Stop it. You are not less than us, stop beating yourself so much specially over a fictional situation. Do you forget who has the third largest fan base among us?”

“It because ARMY likes when I act all cute and pretty, and want to baby me like a child. I’m the cutie, the tiny one...”, his voiced turned into an almost whisper at the end. “I’m never the big... manly man...”

“Jimin...”

“What?”

“This isn’t about the story, is it?”

“No... yes- well, not this one...”, he paused, looking at his feet, bashfully. “It’s just the other stories...”

“What other stories?”, Hoseok asked, but Jimin just shrugged. “I don’t get it...”

“Ugh- hyung it’s nothing really”, he was quick to reply, standing up again. “You are right, I’m so over-reacting... it’s just a story”

“Okay...”, Hoseok leaned back in his chair and looked again at Jimin who was standing next to the door. Hands behind his back, like a child waiting to be scolded. “You sure that’s all?”

“Yep”, that extra ‘p’ sound at the end was enough evidence that he was lying. But he was also aware of Jimin’s uneasiness so it was probably better to let him off the hook for now.

“Well, then...”, Hoseok rubbed his neck. “I really should get back to work then”

Jimin gave him a short smile and left without saying another word. Hoseok turned around in his chair to face his computer and actually get some work before the day was over.

But maybe...ㅡHe glanced at his phone next to the mouseㅡ, just maybe... one more chapter wouldn’t hurt either.

[...]

It was past three am when he arrived back at the dorm. He usually wasn’t the one to stay overnight at the studio like Joonie and Yoongi-hyung. But time flew from his grasp like an oiled rope after he finished the first chapter and he had to stay late to finish his assignments. He didn’t want Pdogg-hyung to yell at him in their next briefing. However, the pull of the story was too strong for him to resist.

He had gone to sleep right away, and with the first light the next day he was already reaching for his cellphone and logging into the Tumblr account he had created just for this. He needed to know what happened next, story-Jimin had to be out of his mind to give the main character a video of him masturbating. It was a risky move, he wouldn’t think Jimin was capable of it in real life... Maybe Seokjin-hyung was shameless enough to pull that one out, and Taehyung...

“Yeah, probably Taehyung...”, he mused to himself as he propped himself down on his elbows.

“Probably Taehyung what?”, Jimin’s sleepy voice asked from his side of the room.

“Oh! Jiminie, did I wake you?”, Jimin shook his head and asked again what he meant by ‘probably Taehyung’. Hoseok sat on his bed and stretched his arms. “Nothing, it’s just this story...”

“Why do you keep reading it, hyung?”, Jimin groaned and covered his face with both palms in exhaustion. Hoseok simply chuckled, Jimin’s concerns where silly. Plus, he wasn’t going to deny himself the pleasure of a good story just because his roommate thought his best friend was trying to get them to have an orgy.

“We are not having a gangbang, just relax”

Jimin huffed but didn’t argue further.

A sudden nasal shriek shattered the morning’s quietness and reached their ears through the door. Hoseok almost jumped off his bed to Jimin’s, what on earth was that? It sounded like some kind of hysteric bird .

“First you send me that porn thing and then you wanna talk about gangbangs?! Gangbangs!!”

Okay, that hysteric bird sounded like Seokjin now. And by the volume of it, it was coming from the kitchen.

“It’s not like that, hyung! You don’t even listen!” And that was definitely Joon’s.

Hoseok exchanged confused glances with Jimin that soon turned into curious ones. As if on cue, both of them got up their beds and ran into the kitchen to check on their band members.

Namjoon was leaning on the kitchen counter, a cup of coffee in one hand, the other scratching his forehead. Meanwhile Seokjin was beating some eggs in a plastic bowl, ranting about how much porn was acceptable in a household.

“It’s not porn! It’s basically literature!” Namjoon sounded as much fed up as he looked embarrassed. Seokjin let out a sarcastic chuckle.

“It’s porn! And you are a pervert!”

Namjoon rolled his eyes.

“If you could just read it-!”

“I have enough with the viruses that keep popping on the computer because of you shady search historial!” It was hilarious just listening to them arguing back and forth like and old married couple. But Hoseok was more curious about whether they were talking about what he though they were.

“Is this about the space story?”, he chimed in, resting his elbows on the marble island across Seokjin’s cooking station. Jimin climbed on a stool next to him.

“You too, now?”, Seokjin huffed, giving him and Jimin disgusted look. “Not that I’m surprised, considering your fascination with breeding cats”

“It was a cat-girl! And that was a mistake!” Hoseok’s ears suddenly burned. “But whatever...”

“Wait- So did you read it, or not?”, this time Namjoon was the one to speak.

“I am reading it, I’m on chapter two”, he replied and Jimin nodded along.

“Did you get to the video part right?”, Joon asked and before Hoseok had a chance to speak, Seokjin’s loud huff cut him off.

“Can I cook in peace without having to hear about how much you want a gangbang, pleaaaaase?”

“Com’on, hyung! I never said I wanted a gangbang!” Namjoon shot him a glare before turning back to Hoseok. His hands came to fondle with the fruit bowl in front of him. “What I was trying to explain to this hyung is that I do think it’s an interesting guessing exercise for figuring out the extends of human behaviour in such adverse conditions”

“But you said you wanted to do it!”

“No! I said to explore it as in talk about it! WITH WORDS!”, Namjoon glared at their hyung, as a faint blush covered his cheeks. It was clear that “If you could’ve just listened for a moment instead of acting like a scandalized prude!”

“Yeah, hyung. It’s just a story, you are over reacting”, said Jimin, taking Hoseok by surprise considering all he had to say about it last night.

“Well, forgive me for not wanting a gangbang!”

“No one’s having a gangbang, for God’s sake!”

“I wouldn’t mind”, a fifth voice joined the conversation out of the blue and all the heads turned in the direction of the hallway.

Yoongi-hyung was leaning against the wall, arms crossed and messy bed hair. A slight frown hardening his features. He’d most likely woken up because all of the noise.

Seokjin let out a sarcastic chuckle.

“You too, Yoongi?”

“How long have you been standing there?”, Jimin asked. Yoongi shrugged off a yawn and walked over to grab an apple from the bowl Namjoon was holding.

“It’s hard to keep sleeping with this hyung nagging so loud this early in the morning”, he pointed to his eldest and bit on the fruit.

“You know what?!”, Seokjin scoffed, and put aside all his cooking implements. “Y’all can make your own breakfast! Seriously...”

And walked away.

“So noisy...”, Yoongi mumbled as he munched on his apple.

“You read it too, hyung?”, Namjoon asked. Yoongi turned to him, leaning on his elbows. Hoseok’s eyes betrayed him as they followed Yoongi’s movements and the way he arched his back, lifting his ass in the air so subtly.

“Since Tae shared it in the group chat I figured I should give it a try”, he shrugged seemingly desinterestedm, but Hoseok knew him better than that. Yoongi liked to pretende he didn’t care about stuff other that making music, but it was clear to him by the way he was behaving, that the older rapper had enjoyed the story a little bit too much. “It was good”.

“You’re only saying that because you are not the main character”, said Jimin.

“At least I’m not the character that gave the girl a video of me jerking off”

“First of all, she asked! and second, you messed up big time keeping that memory card, hyung!”

Yoongi sneered at the younger boy.

“I got her off, you didn’t”

“Wait, what are you-?”

Jimin’s face turned a bright red, his nosetrils flared. Namjoon just chocked a laugh, almost knocking off the fruit bowl. For a moment, Hoseok only stared in confussion at them. He couldn’t recall something like that happening in the story yet and he realized they were probably far ahead of him.

“Hey! Don’t give me any spoilers! I haven’t reached that part yet”.

But Yoongi and Jimin just ignored him, continuing their teasing banter.

“I don’t think she’ll forgive you. EVER!”

“She was thinking of me while fucking you”

“At least I got to- to... be with her!”

“You can’t even say fuck without blushing. Space-Jimin is lightyears ahead of you”, a smug grin appeared in Yoongi’s face, clearly pleased with his joke and Jimin’s fuming face.

“That’s a bit rich coming from you, hyung”, Namjoon said with a smirk. “I mean, last time I checked you couldn’t even look at Halsey in her training clothes without turning red as a beetroot”

“That’s-!”, Yoongi coughed, a bite of the apple going the wrong way. Suddenly matching Jimin with his red cheeks. “That’s different!”

“Neither one of you would ever dare to act like the way the author portraits you. Just admit it”, Namjoon snickered. “You don’t have what it takes”.

“Oh, and you do?”

“I’m just saying if the seven of us where trapped in a spaceship and there’s just one woman for miles and miles...”, He crossed his arms, chin raised proudly. “I’m guessing you’d be too shy to get her attention”.

“It’s not a competition, anyway. It’s a story and it has already been written”, argued Yoongi. “And I was her first choice”.

“Technically it was Hobi”, Jimin pointed out. “She was so ready to throw herself over him in that lab scene”.

“Well Hobi doesn’t count here because he did nothing”

“Excuse me?”, Hoseok scoffed. “Clearly I’m the best character, unlike others I’m actually being professional”.

“Yeah, right. Professional until Yoongi-hyung tells you he screwed the main character”, Taehyung popped up from behind him making Hoseok shriek in surprise, followed closely by a sleepy-faced Jungkook.

“You little-! You almost killed me!”, Taehyung only laughed, joining the his chuckling hyungs.

“And he didn’t screw anything- anyone!”, said Jimin.

“Well, his fingers did”.

“Stop talking!”, Hoseok shoved Taehyung aside and shook his head. “You’ve already spoiled the story for me enough as it is! At least let me finish the chapters before we talk about this”.

“Yeah, maybe we shouldn’t talk about it before breakfast”, Namjoon scratched his chin. “Gguk, go tell Jin-hyung he can come back now”.

“Why, was he here?” asked Jungkook.

“He left because he didn’t what to have a gangbang”, Yoongi answered, almost offended, like he was telling Jungkook his hyung had turned down some fishing trip.

Jungkook’s eyes where suddendly wide open.

“What-?!”

“It’s the story, nevermind!”, Jimin waved a hand in the air in dismissal.

“Wait, so we can’t have a gangbang?”

“Are you serious right now, hyung?”, Jimin gave Yoongi the side eye. His hyung response was simply shrugging.

“I like to keep my options open”.

“Yeah, maybe one thing you shouldn’t keep open is your mouth”.

The group erupted in laughter at Jimin’s witty comeback. Yoongi raised the hand that held half an apple and pretended to throw it at Jimin’s head, only to join the laughter when the dancer fell from his chair by his motion.

Hoseok chuckled and shook his head.

What a way to start the day.

. . . .

#void #btssavedmylifeblr #space au #bts reaction #bts scenarios #jung hoseok #pov #bangtan smut #crack fic #bts crack #fic inside fic #fanfiction #bts fanfiction #bts reacts to fanfiction #yoongi #bts smut

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fairycosmos · 4 years

Note

Sorry for bothering you angel but I have noone else to talk to.I really dont know what to do anymore. I'm so suicidal that I don't know how i'm still alive,how i'm able to breath it just doesn't feel right being alive.My mind keeps telling me to do something to end it all and I'm just numb.The worst thing is that even the closest person in my life doesn't know how bad it is bc i'm always the one to help them with their depression and im so drained.I'm just here to help other no matter how broken

hey love, i’m so sorry to hear you’re going through such a difficult time right now 😞 but you’re not bothering me at all, so don’t worry about that. firstly i really hope you’re currently in a safe environment and that you remain there, above all else. you were able to send this and reach out for some form of support even anonymously and that’s a really good sign. i’m proud of you for being here and for making it to this point, and i want to thank u for being so open with me because i know it’s not easy. secondly i really want to stress that you can’t believe anything your mind is telling you right now, seriously. one of the biggest illusions of mental illness is that it convinces you to think in black and white, to believe that everything negative is permanent and that there’s no way forward. but that’s never the case in reality. there is so much that can be done to change your habitual thinking patterns, your sense of self worth and just the general situation you’re in right now. in fact, change is inevitable if you stick around long enough to see it. it’s happening constantly, even when you don’t realise it. and so is healing and growth, even when you’re in pain too. it is entirely possible to recuperate, for happiness and peace to become a consistent theme in your future. yes, you. i know it’s probably impossible to believe in this moment but i hope you can still accept the sentiment anyway, because it’s true. and what’s more than that, you deserve it. you’re able to give your time and energy to others who are dealing with what you’re also dealing with, and that’s wonderful, but you are COMPLETELY worthy of receiving that same energy and love. i promise. if you need to take some time to focus on your own mental health rather than on those around you, then that’s perfectly fine and there’s no shame in that. it can be hard to internalize everyone else’s grief, and quite emotionally exhausting at times, so don’t let your mind make you feel bad for needing some space. it’s the most natural, human thing in the world. and i’m sure those that care for you want to hear what you’re going through too, i’m sure they want the chance to return the favour and to be there for you. you can give them that by opening up. no matter how hard it is to actually reach out, please please know that the option is always there and that you are never as alone as your mind wants you to believe. another tactic of depression is that it wants you to isolate yourself so you don’t feel the comfort of other people and their perspective, so the only thing you can believe is your own bad thoughts - but you CAN choose to subvert that urge, to talk to those around you about whats going on in your head. it’s okay. if not them, there are a lot of suicide/mental health hotlines available 24/7, and there’s also the option of talking to your doctor/a therapist/a support group to see if they can help you implement a treatment plan (if you haven’t done so already.) even if you have to force the words out, just tell them what you told me. it doesn’t have to make sense, you just have to let it out. sometimes mental illness is just as serious as physical illness and it needs real medical attention in order to overcome, and that’s alright. it’s something a lot of people go through, and it looks different for everyone. but just picking up the phone and making that appointment or talking to a loved one can make a massive difference. there is so much that can be done in terms of therapy - identifying the root causes of why you feel the way you do, giving you the tools to fight the episodes in a healthy way when they do arise - but at the end of it you CAN learn to live a happy and full life despite those days where you just want to give up. it’s a matter of time, finding the balance that suits you and getting through each day long enough to see the results of your progress.

i know it all feels like too much effort, and i’m not saying you have to do any of this right now. or that talking to someone will solve everything. and i’m very very familiar with that debilitating brand of numbness you’re describing - it makes everything genuinely feel beyond hopeless and so far away, it is so so heavy and i don’t blame you for being exhausted. but it’s also so possible for the feeling and the presence to return back to your life, one area at a time. i often think of it like my souls got pins and needles and i need to massage the numbness away with care and patience. you said you don’t know how you’re still alive - it’s because you’re supposed to be. it’s because some part of you, no matter how tired of all this shit you are, recognizes that there is a lot worth holding onto. even if your brain isn’t allowing you to see it in this moment. i hate to be cliche, but when it really comes down to it nothing would be the same without you. you exist and see this world through your unique perspective and love in your own specific way because you’re here. and no one else is you and that is more than good enough. there is so much waiting for you, man. recovery is possible in so many forms, and i’m not just saying that at all. i would fucking hate to think of you acting on your temporary emotions and only regretting it when it’s far too late to go back, and unfortunately i think that occurrence is very common in people who suffer through this sort of thing. as a person and as someone who has been given the chance to experience this world for a fraction of a moment in human history, i hope more than anything you can simply allow yourself to do that. and that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have bad days, or to hate this world sometimes because i absolutely do too. it can be hellish, and we have a right to be in pain. but that doesn’t mean we��re beyond hope and help. it doesn’t mean there aren’t a million different ways to make this all feel more manageable, one step at a time. some days getting through one minute at a time counts as a great victory, and you’ve done it a million times before. so please, if you feel like you’re in danger, please just call someone. don’t listen to your mind anymore, don’t feed into it. just get yourself to safety even if you have to act on autopilot. it’s going to be so worth it so much sooner than you think, im serious. you need some rest, maybe to practice some mindfulness and to focus your brain on some low energy positive coping mechanisms, and to let someone know how you’re doing if possible - all of this will allow you to stop spiraling inwards and start focusing on whats going on around you. i’ll leave a few links that may be of some service to you. please know that i care and that so many people do, that your life is so much more than this moment/what you’ve been through so far. if you need a friend or if you want to talk about this properly, please let me know. i’m here and i understand a lot of us do. sending so much, please stay safe above all else love. that’s all you gotta focus on right now x

https://faq.whatsapp.com/general/security-and-privacy/global-suicide-hotline-resources/

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/suicidal.htm

https://www.healthquality.va.gov/guidelines/MH/srb/OvercomingSuicidalThoughtsandFeelingsFINAL.pdf

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/depression.htm

https://www.mind.org.uk/media-a/2960/suicidal-feelings-2016.pdf

#tw suicide #tw self harm #tw suicidal thoughts #tw suicide mention #anon

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one-abuse-survivor · 4 years

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Tired is when you're sick of life, or feel weighed down by the stuff around you. Sleepy is when you want to go to bed. That's how me and my friend do it, anyhow. At this point, I'm fucking exhausted to the point where I feel too tired to let it out but im gonna anyways. There's bits in here that I can't tell my friend, or anyone, so i'm hoping bc this is anonymous i can let it out. Right, intro done lol. Onto the story. Last night, i have no idea what time, maybe five or six, (all i know is this

thing ended at 7pm), my mom storms out of the room and comes back holding a bottle of water and her bag. She proceeds to tell my dad she found the bottle at the bottom of my bed, (basically im not supposed to have anything at the bottom of my bead bc asian tradition believes that youre on top of it and thats dirty or whatever). Then she pulls out my school photo, puts it on the table and tells my dad to look at it. Starts ranting about how I never listen, i look horrible, worst photo i've ever taken.

Basically, I go to a private school, and they think I should look good, and then they spent some time lecturing me about how i was supposed to look right when i was in the school, I look like a boy, i act like a boy, my hair's a mop, I look like a hooligan. Start talking about when i dress to go to school, how my shoes aren't polished and one of them has laces that show the white inner. How my hair's messy at the back, if i saw someone in jeans and someone in a suit in the street, who would i think was respectful? They told me they shouldn't have let me into the school, they loved me too much, that's why, they should have let me go to this public school that has a reputation for being a mess, that i belong there, waste of money, they regret letting me go here, thought i was a respectable girl.

Dad asked me again, who wouldd i think was respectful, the jeans or the suit, and I told him I don't know. We'll get to that later, but at that moment he sneered and snorted and looked at my mom. 'says she doesnt know' he jeers. I'd meant it as in 'i have no idea, please help me'. He took it as 'she doesn't know, and doesn't give a fuck'. I don't know how to look proper. they never taught me. they tell me that something looks good so i wear it. mom still buys my clothes for me. I have no fucking clue what looks proper and what doesn't.

Anyways, somehow they moved onto uni, and my current work, and how I pull all-nighters and how dad thought i was smart but nopw he has no hope, how he sees me get up in the morning and know i'm going to fail the assessment, how i get distracted, how i take too long to shower, how i never learn, how i never help them around the house, they do everything for me and if he was in my shoes then he would work until 'smoke came out' (vietnamese saying), how he would be so grateful but i'm not and they're going to leave me (which is a normal threat for them lol) and how they're going to die (another normal threat, dad has a lifelong illness and mom has been struggling with leukaemia for years) and they're not going to pay for uni if i get a stupid degree, only if i get a good degree like they want which will actually help me (law), if i want to become an engineer (something im considering) then i can pay for it myself, then again it's not like i'm even going to get into uni, when they look at me, they have to think of the girl i was when i was five because if they think about me now they feel sad, they won't look at me because I make them sad, they had so much hope for me, now down the drain, no, down to the sewers, look at my cousins going out, one of them had piercings and infections and almost got tattoos and is a nurse in a prison with a husband who stressed her out so much she passed out at work, do i want that, that's what i will get if i dont work, basd job, assisstants have to buy pads for their bosses, horrible child, this will end one of two ways, one i listen to them and come back years later to thank them or i'll look up at the stars and wish that i'd listened to them and they regret having me and caring for me, if only they'd been better parents, they'd been too lenient, but i don't care do i because if i cared it'd show in my working to please them and i haven't done that so that means i don;t care about them.

Dad told me it was too late to change, then switches to tell me it's not too late, they ramble on about my internet use, (i have to ask them for internet) and i'm not acutlalyu doping work on it, i'm just fucking around, they kjnow, they know, i can lie all i want nbut it's true. Horrible child, they'll die, they'll die, That's the end of the conversation, we're not going to talk about it anymore. No, stop talking. I'm going to tell you this until i die. I'm going to keep saying it, beccause it's better that i say it and you not listen than i dont say it and regret not saying it. (okay, i can;t currently remember anything else of what they said lol.). By the way, you wanna know abt

[asks didn’t arrive and I asked for the last bit again]

ok lets hope to god this sends then. i think i know where i was up to - 'do you want to know about what was wrong with the photo' i think was meant to be that. anyways, yeah. guess what was wrong with it. i had a fucking splinge. like my hair was parted and a bit of the part was split. that's all i can see that's wrong with it. maybe my hair looked oily? idk but that's all i noticed. also said something after that about do u remember when dad asked me abt who did i think looked better the suit.

also can i add something i just remembered which is that one of them put folders on my shelf and mom told me she knew i put them there to hide what i was looking at on my laptop from her when i??? didnt??? put them??? there??? in the first place???? (the layout of my room allows the folders to block the view of someone from the door basically) i put new folders there after i think my dad put them there but i didnt originally put them there??? sorry it was a full ask rant and i have no idea what the freak i typed and what i didnt lol. but u get the gist i think. big fat lecture.

i am tired. my eyes were puffy and there was like this pool of snot floating on top of this pool of tears if you did get the ask sorry u had to read that twice. :(. i mean even tho u didnt see it i was able to let it all out. not sure if it made me feel better about anything but being able to do it at all is rlly nice. Thank you for that.

-----

No wonder you’re tired, nonnie... I’m really glad you could get all of this off your chest, and really sorry that you have to hear those awful things about yourself coming from your parents.

I’m a white European, so I don’t share many of your experiences and I don’t know how it is to live in a Vietnamese family, but I hope it’s okay to compare it a little bit with my experiences in my (very Christian) family--if not, you can absolutely skip the next paragraph!

I have had a bunch of conversations with my therapist about traditions, religion, and misogyny, because since I cut my mother off, my grandfather has lectured me many times about how I am a bad daughter for looking out for myself and putting my life first instead of being devoted to my mother’s wants and needs. He told me that she’s sick and I’m horrible for not caring about that and abandoning her, and that if she doesn’t love me, I just have to work harder until I "crack her walls”. (As if I haven’t tried already, and as if she didn’t use her very mental illness as an excuse to abuse me). My therapist basically told me that sometimes, being the Disney villain in some people’s stories means you’re doing something right, because their vision of what’s right and what’s wrong (especially when it comes to daughters and women in general) is designed to hurt you, to make you put your family before yourself. That it’s never wrong to put yourself and your needs first, and that kids don’t owe their parents anything just because the parents brought them into this world--that was the parents’ choice, not the kid’s, and therefore it’s the parents’ responsibility to care for their kid, whoever that kid turns out to be; and not the kid’s responsibility to be the model child that the parents had in mind or to care for them.

Your parents belittling you for things you have little to no control over and accusing you of being responsible for their future deaths, for not knowing things that haven’t been explained to you, for not living up to their expectations without even giving you a chance to try, and for not “working for them as hard as they would in your place”, are all red flags of emotional abuse. Accusing you of things you don’t do and constantly drilling into your mind that they “know” you’re a horrible person who doesn’t want to learn or change is a red flag too, and probably an excuse to take the guilt off their shoulders for not taking the time to guide you in life and to explain anything to you before accusing you of not knowing it already. “It’s too late” puts the blame on you, but what it actually means is probably something along the lines of “It’s easier to scream at you than to put realistic expectations on you and then help you achieve them while respecting your boundaries and allowing you to make mistakes, but I don’t want to feel guilty about it, so let’s pretend you’re a lost cause, yeah?”

I used to go to a private school too, and my mother repeatedly told me that was the reason she struggled economically and that I had ruined her life. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy that I realised that I never had a choice in what school I went to. Same as I never had a choice in anything my mother decided for me. So how could I be to blame for the consequences of those decisions? And how can you? If they buy you certain clothes, then they have no right to criticise how you look in them. If they chose to put you in a private school, then the money spent is on them, not you. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you’re worth their decisions for you or their basic care for you--they chose to give you that unconditionally the moment they decided to have you in the first place, and if they refuse to give it or threaten to take it away, it’s becuase they’re neglectful and/or abusive, not because something intrinsic about you justifies it. You’re not a bad kid; you’re just a normal kid with very bad parents. And I’m really sorry that you have to put up with them. You deserve better 😔

I’m here if you need to vent again in the future, nonnie. Sending a virtual hug ❤

#Anonymous #Vent #Ask #Abuse tw #Abuse #Abusive parents #Emotional abuse #Long post #Threats #Guilt tripping #guilt tripping tw #Threats tw #therapy mention #christianity mention #neglect mention #(I'm nonbinary btw but it's not like my grandfather knows or would care 🙃)

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gdreamzseternal · 5 years

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I’d like to thank

@myradfemblog for finding an extremely old porn blog of mine. I forgot it existed and it actually makes me sick to see that I was role playing such sick disgusting trauma that I went through thinking it would help when it made me so much worse. Thank you for abusing me over something I repeatedly asked you to give me the link to because I wasn’t going to go through your slander about me to find it.

I want to also say thanks because you pointing that out and me seeing that made me cry both from being triggered and realizing how far I’ve come. That I am extremely kink critical now. When I used to be heavily into it. That I don’t whore myself out anymore because “sex work makes me strong”. God I used to genuinely believe that. Makes me sick. I was so so sick. I was still victimizing myself back then...

But now.. I am a survivor.

Everyone advocated for and ignored the dangers of extreme methods of “beat the child into submission”. (Looking at you old people) It’s so sad cause I still see it now. The way a person who I had a normal discussion with suddenly gets to violently abuse me and degrade me just because they didn’t like what I had to say. Sounds like abusive parents. Everything’s cool til it’s not.

My dad beat my ass cause at 9 years old because I looked him in the eyes and told him to stop drinking cause he was being mean. Telling the truth got me abused. Look at that what a surprise.

Humans communicate differently than other creatures on the planet. Does that mean the other creatures don’t communicate? No. That just means they do things different. They don’t need vaccines because they were meant to survive and live here. If humans didn’t have their science we would all be dead! We are in a race with the planet to see who can kill who first. Will we kill the planet (which kills us too idiots) or will the planet eradicate us via disease and natural disasters and heal itself and start over (we still dead). Or do we chill on our population and help the earth heal by bein more considerate of our surroundings. Yeah none of you like me because I say it how it is without thinking about how it will affect any of you. So that means you get to abuse me. I’m not hurting anyone by simply sharing my views. Yet I am being hurt for speaking my views. I’m not actively slitting the throats of disabled people. I’m not saying we have to round up the retards that already exist and just shoot them. They should just be left in their natural form. Yeah give artificial limbs out cause that’s science but giving a nasty fat fuck a wheel chair cause boohoo they can’t loose weight? Nah true waste of resources. I’m saying we use the science that is our only advantage to prevent that from ever happening again.

All I’m doing is talking on MY BLOG. & I get death threats and told I should be raped by my father all over again. Simply for sharing my feelings on what will 1000000% save the greater good. It doesn’t even have to be permanent. Imagine if every grown man had to get a vasectomy for the next 20 years til all the excited potential parents get throughly processed to see if they are psychologically, psychically, financially and home stable to have children. Then there is a massive database of all the adorable kids waiting to find homes and they get to meet and have a 30 day period where THE CHILD decides if they like their new potential parents. Every couple/person wanting to adopt can adopt up to 2 kids and the kids get a say too.

Humans are not special and I don’t care if you disagree with me. Yet for some reason we literally act like gods gift (complete pun intended) That think who fucking cares what we do to everything around us including ourselves because this is OUR EARTH. We can do what WE WANT. Blah blah blah. Then the WHITE MEN put control on EVERYONE. Then slowly we colored folk said fuck you and made our own lives cause who gives a flying fuck about someone’s skin color except for white people. Then the humans just started literally takin over. Who cares if a bunch of birds nests lived in this tree? I want my new condo that I spend 2-3 months a year in right fucking here so the homes of those birds don’t matter. Let’s massively hunt these animals into extinction for our pleasure. (Okay Hitlers)

We are selfish

I wasn’t raised like you. I wasn’t raised by anyone but my own fucking brain. I never had any positive influences but the voices in my head. We see the world for what it is and not the false reality im creating for myself. I won’t even say ‘most’ if you were raised right because even today in 2019 the system and adults hide the abuse and damage that is really happening. Clearly this whole system isn’t working.

I was raised that literally everything in the whole world was both good and bad. So I learned to be objective and unbiased. Your feelings are what get you killed. Ask any dead kid who didn’t speak up about their abusive parents. And any bleeding out gangbanger who got felt offended by a color and killed someone over it. Someone who felt the desire to get high cause they have no self control and killed some to get $$. But it wasn’t them because even though they felt the need to do the drugs it wasn’t their fault.

So why are we going to keep adding more and more children to the solution when we don’t even know what to do with the poor innocent souls that we have now? We just pretend it’s not that big a deal and keep adding feul (the kids) to the fire (the shitty system). CLEARLY you all know there’s a problem and nothing any of you are doing is working.

So when do we take extreme measures? When do we ACTUALLY make a change. We have nuclear bombs hell ANY bomb and those are okay “when absolutely necessary” but allowing people to have kids they can’t afford, can’t raise, got raped into them, got one night standed with, can’t handle. A BOMB AFFECTS HUMANS AND THE ENVIRONMENT NEGATIVELY. Humans getting neutered (since that’s what you call it for other creatures) will effect the world positively. The bombs are okay though? We can MASS destroy life but we can’t mass PREVENT it from having to be destroyed or emotionally ruined in the first place? Not forever just til we get our shit together.

The abominations and retards. That’s EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE that’s why no one likes when you mention it. They are like the endless elephant in the room. I will die by the quote, “A few bad apples ruins the whole barrel”. We think that it’s perfectly okay to keep adding bad genes to our makeup while simultaneously praying we live forever. It’s so tiresomely contradicting.

If you can all make such a fucking effort for these retard abominations that you breed. Then you can STOP breeding COMPLETELY until you give the kids homes that need them. Those kids will be more likely to become doctors getting adopted out to good homes. Then if they get left to rot in a shitty system while they walk in a grocery store with their mean foster mom and see a happy young couple PREGNANT with their first child when they could have adopted him. If you choose to give birth instead of adopting then you might as well walk up to a kid in a foster/group home and tell them they are garbage and ain’t ever going anywhere.

I still haven’t had my question answered... why does ANY HUMAN ON THIS ENTIRE PLANET need to breed when there are already so many homeless children?

So what is it are we going to stop breeding and adopt all the kids out to good homes that have been more throughly evaluated than a simple background check and having enough beds and money?

Are we going to keep creating a whole brand new system for the retards when the perfectly able children who would flourish with good parents system is still completely fucked?

Giving whole TV shows to literal human abominations for entertainment. Or humans that are forced to overbreed or sickly do it “for religious reasons”. You get to see how much their disability/struggles makes their life so hard but they are so ~brave and strong~ because society would rather force conjoined twins to spend their lives together or die trying to separate because human euthanasia is wrong until a human kills another human???????

Where does that make sense.

We are going to keep worrying more about the dysfunctional, malfunctioned, rejects of our society before the regular ones? We are going to keep following fake gods we have no proof of so that we don’t have to accept the realities of human nature.

Are we going to not do anything and ignore all the clear issues and keep adding more kids?

The same can be said about the immigrant shit in America. We have so many problems we don’t need anymore people and this place is fucked why would you wanna come here anyway? (I digress on this)

Are we going to keep throwing children out like trash in hopes that someone else will raise the busted nut you let fester in your womb?

Like out of those which one of these which one is the best option? Because all but one are things we are already doing and it isn’t working.

So hate me for being unbiased. But as my therapist (yes I discuss this with BOTH my Ts to make sure I am not delusional) put it. I am not looking at it for the benefit of humans. I’m looking at the benefit of the earth as a whole. I don’t want humans to all die off. But if it’s what it has to take in order for this planet to survive then so be it. There are so many other species, creatures, life on this Planet.

To put it simply you’re all simpleminded.

There is no god because Humans seem to think they are god. & we can breed, have our technology, have our vaccines. But as long as we are still over breeding and not adequately using our resources....

The Human Rights we are fighting for will not matter if there is nothing for the humans to live on.

This Earth is our home and there are too many of us right now. Too many of us doing too many wrong things.

Focus on the Human Wrongs then there will be no need for Human Rights because they will realize they are all just another species on this glorious and beautiful earth.

I know none of you were take anything from this.

You all were taught one way or you think one way and that is it there can’t be any other way and anyone else who thinks differently than that is wrong but at the end of the day my ideas are what will save humanity your ideas are what will destroy it. Your safe space will be irrelevant if you have no where to put it.

A human’s need to add feeling and emotion to everything is our biggest flaw.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk Typing Podcast

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cmncisspnandmore · 5 years

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Don’t let me go, Part 3

A/N: It’s FINALLY here, part 3. It took me awhile to get it out but i did it, and im proud of myself. I will be updating my masterlist as well so you can catch up on any parts you may have missed or any of my other fics you might’ve missed. I hope you enjoy it!

Pairing: Spencer Reid X Reader Warnings: Anorexia, eating disorders, depression, drug use, mentions of past character death, extreme fluff? is that a warning?

~~~~~~~

“What do you mean, you are, oh god, Y/N, you are enough, and you’re gorgeous.” Spencers lip quivered, and you leaned back against the cold shower wall. A shiver wracked through you and your thin fingers gripped the towel. You lowered your eyes to your bruised legs and your skin that was void of most color.

“Please, let me get dressed… I don't want you to see me. I will to you when i'm dressed. I just can’t let you see me like this.” You teeth chattered, and with a nod Spencer stood from the edge of the tub and closed the door. He sat on the edge of the bed and wrung his hands while he waited for you to some out.

While in the bathroom you dried off your body and hair, and pulled on a pair of sweatpants you stole from Spencers house when you stayed over, and a FBI sweatshirt you had gotten when you first joined. It was soft and comfortable, and honestly you knew in the back of your mind that this wasn't going to be a nice conversation with Reid. You pull your hair up and out of your face, and with a deep breath you pull open the bathroom door, and there you see Reid, sitting on the edge of the hotel bed, he’s staring out into space and talking to himself quietly. Something you have seen him do hundreds of times when he’s thinking about facts and going over what he’s trying to say in his head before he actually says it out loud. In his hand you can see the gold one year sober coin, rolling over his fingers. Ever since he had gotten it and figured out what another agent had meant when he said to hold onto it, Spencer had kept it on him. He turned it over in his hand and glanced up when he heard the door open.

“I know… I know you’re probably going to try to make me feel better with a bunch of facts about eating disorders and how i’m part of this huge statistic. But i can’t. I can’t listen to that right now. So could you try to be just a normal human and not a genius with an iq of 187 and profiles serial killers who are more fucked up than your best friend. I just need regular Spencer, the one who plays with my hair when he reads and lets me sleep on his couch way more than i should.” You hold onto the door frame and wait for him to respond.

Spencer pushes himself back against the headboard and pats the bed next to him, “I can be regular Spencer.”

You walk over to the side of the bed and sit next to Spencer, your hands shake in your lap, and he reaches over to cover your hands with his. “Start whenever you’re ready, I’ll listen to whatever you want to tell me.”

You chew on your bottom lip, and take a big deep breath, taking comfort in Reids hands holding yours.

“Okay, so do you remember when we worked that case in New Mexico, the one where the little girl was taken and we couldn't find her, and when we did find her stuck in that hole with the water rising and i was the only one who could fit in there to grab her, so i could lift her up to you and Derek. Well when i was down there and the water was getting higher and you and Morgan were trying to pull me out of there. There was a moment when i got caught trying to climb out to get to you, and all i could think about f i was just a little bit lighter, or a little thinner i wouldn't have gotten stuck. And the panic i felt in my chest when i was stuck and you and Morgan were trying to get me out was indescribable. For months after that the only time i slept was on your couch. And there was this voice in the back of my head that told me that if i lost a few pounds i wouldn't have been stuck. That you and Derek wouldn't have had such a hard time getting me out.” Tears trickled down your face and you couldn’t manage to look at Spencer.

“It started as just counting the calories i ate, making sure i wasn't over eating. But then it became a constant thing that i needed to do, i had to make sure i knew how many calories were in the things i was eating, then it slowly became that i needed to eat less to lose a few pounds and i promise Spencer it started as just that. I didn't mean for it to get this bad. Now i go days without eating, i can’t stop. It's been going on for months now, and honestly Spence, it scares me. I’m so out of it almost all the time, and it sucks. I don't enjoy life anymore, because everything is about trying to be skinny, trying to be pretty.” Spencers hands are shaking against your own, and it makes your heart clench. You were causing him to be this upset. This was all your fault, just like everything was. You would never be enough to make Spencer happy, no matter how skinny you were. Or how many pounds the scale told you, you had lost.

“Y/n, I have thought you were beautiful from the moment you walked in to the BAU bullpen. Your weight wasn't the problem getting you out of there, when you were coming up you got snagged on a tree root, and it took us a moment to get you untangled. I never would have wanted you to change who you were or what you looked like. You didn't need to be anything but yourself for me to like you or even notice you. Of course i like you, i have since i met you. And i know this probably sounds all jumbled and weird but i don't know how to express what i feel for you. I’ve never been an emotional type of guy. But with you it's different. I can't help but want to see you smile or hear your laugh. When you come into the office and you aren't smiling my heart aches.” Spencer grabbed your chin lightly, forcing you to look him in the eye.

“You’re only saying that because i'm sick.” You jerk your chin away and pull your knees to your chest, wrapping your thin arms around them.

“Why would i confess this only because you’re sick!” Spencer snaps, hurt flashing across his face.

“Because you feel bad for me… Just like everyone else will when they find out.” You look over at him, eyes misty with tears.

“You’re wrong, i wouldn't just say this stuff to you if i didn't mean it. You know that when i say things i mean them. Some of the best moments of my life are with you. But, i know that this conversation alone isn’t going to help you get better. But if you will allow me, i want to help you get better. I want to help you through this because i don't want to lose you. I can't. You're the only other person besides Maeve that i have felt like this about. If i let you go on like this and i lose you i will never forgive myself.” Spencer glances at his hands, more tears fall onto his lap.

You stay quiet for a moment, before leaning down and resting your head on his lap. Spencer wipes his eyes with one hand and then strokes your hair with the other. The thin strands nothing compared to what they used to be. “Okay… I want you to help me… Please Spencer..” you whisper and You see Spencer nod out of the corner of your eye.

“We’ll get through this. I’ll talk to Hotch and tell him we’re going to be requesting a leave of absence while we figure out what you need. Okay?”

“Okay.. i have something to tell you.” You flip onto your back, your head still resting on his lap.

“What?” he looks down at you, his right hand coming to rest on your arm, warmth spreading up your arm.

“I didn't eat that granola bar.”

“I know”

“What? You know?” You furrow your brows.

“I’m a profiler, I notice things. There wasn't a single crumb on the table by the wrapper.” He shrugs his left hand tangling in your hair.

“Oh… i guess i should've known you would catch on eventually.” You close your eyes, a headache building behind them.

“Let me go get you some crackers, and we can start with those okay? Just a few, and maybe a sports drink to get your electrolytes up. There's a small convenience store around the corner. While i'm on my way there i will call Hotch and let him know what's going on. And then we will make a few calls to Doctors and Therapists.” He smiles at you and you give a small nod.

“Alright, i’ll be right back, i’ll also grab something for that headache you probably have.” He gently lifts your head off his lap and then replaces it with a pillow. He climbs off the hotel bed and takes the blanket that was at the bottom of the bed and drapes it over you. You hear him grab the keys and his gun and start to head to the door.

“Spencer!” You sit up, and he turns, he has one hand on the door.

“Yeah?” He lets go of the knob and walks back over to you where you are now sitting up on the bed using one arm to keep yourself up the other fisting in the blanket.

As he stops in front of you, you reach up with one hand and wrap it around his neck pulling him down and hug him tight, “Thank you.” You whisper as a few tears fall and he wraps his arms around you.

“No need to thank me, get some rest, i’ll be back in a few minutes.” He pulls back and presses and soft kiss to your hair as you lay back down against the pillows, pulling the blanket up around your shoulder. You close your eyes, drifting off as Spencer makes his way to the black SUV and pulls out his phone and dials Hotchner.

~~~~~

Tag list

Criminal Minds: @morcialovechild @banananna99 @cynbx

Dont let me go: @itshaleighyo7 @galaxygallade @drw0301bieber @multifandom-ramblings @gothamsmarvel @neonshadowkilljoy @imaginativefanatic

#spencer #spencer reid #reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer x reader #spencer x you #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #Criminal Minds #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds x you #criminal minds x y/n #criminal #minds #eating disoder tw #eating disoder recovery #dont let me go #part #part 3

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kookaifoundation · 4 years

Text

i should write my feelings down in the journal i got for that specific purpose so i can organize them enough to explain them to my therapist in under an hour but thats not about to happen so you will all be subject to my pathetic attempts to gather them in one place LOL

i am so sick of being surrounded by shit i hate and feeling compelled to keep it there because some unseen force says i Have to or makes it so that i dont have the energy to remove it..... like as i type this my family is making their fucking mouth noises and they never ever seem to stop. i dont even hear words nor do i regard it as talking anymore. the simple act of hearing certain voices and sounds causes me pain and so does too much light or my hair drying the wrong way and feeling bad or seeing someone make a stupid expression or BEING LOOKED AT even

i hate all of my clothes and cant bring myself to get up before leaving the house until the last minute let alone put on some shitty outfit that's both masculine enough to keep my family from bothering me about why i'm wearing "girl clothes" and pleasing enough to keep me from crying when i look in the mirror. even then the fabric probably feels horrid and i want to take it off the moment it goes on. but i wear it anyway.

i hate what im studying. at this point looking at monitors makes me want to die. computer science is obviously great for that! you know what it's also great for? inclusivity! if i manage to get a job i'll feel amazing surrounded by white cishet men who will without a doubt see me as a woman and get apprehensive and quiet around me because i am black and trans and gay after all! and i sure as hell cant wait until i face discrimination at the hands of whatever stupid fucking algorithm these white cishet men are training to discern between worthy and unworthy human beings!!

i hate my primary mode of communication with people! tumble dot hell is okay since we Are ultra undesirable to advertisers and therefore it is my primary social media but everywhere else is becoming increasingly filled with hate and ads and elements designed to make the platform inhospitable so that your attention will be directed to this other element on the page (usually an ad), or so that youll pay this amount of dollars to get rid of it, or do whatever the hell they want you to do. theyll get what they want. capitalists have REAMS of research on what people do in any given fucking situation and they will use it to get your money!

i hate feeling like i have no rights! my future is up to a set of laws written by people with lives thousands of degrees of separation apart from my own!! will i be allowed to correct legal documents? will i be allowed my hormones? will i be protected from discrimination? can i donate blood? can i use the bathroom? can i reproduce? is it legal for someone to kill me after finding out i have an F on my ID? who knows!!!! LMAO. and even if shit does get better legally who can say my life wont end early due to hate?

and i am so fucking sick of being behind in life in terms of sexuality, in terms of maturity, in terms of experience, in terms of a million other things!! this one is just too much for me so im going to copy and paste what i said about it the first time i got upset about this:

i suddenly feel so bad about it but im so tired of not having control over my own sexuality and sexual development.... like im completely fine with most of my own body and i definitely think i am desirable but i feel like im forever going to be either sexless or an object to other people because of my anatomy and the only way im ever going to be seen as desirable is if you tack an extra clause onto me that reads "*you just have to ignore... That" whether "that" is my gender or my body. and then if someone does see me as a whole being and not just a gender and a body as separate things then theyll want to begin the process of Healing Me or what the fuck ever when theres nothing for me to heal from. i dont need to learn to love my body i already do. i want make fuck NOW there is no shitty emotional component to that. allow me to have power.

and then there's the thing about ANY amount of effort being put into your appearance being female to cis people. i am a faggot i like to dress up and put makeup on but if any cis person sees me like that their little brains get overloaded and they think woman! i want to be beautiful! i am beautiful! i am the most beautiful man in the world! but cis brains CANNOT HANDLE IT and unfortunately they make up the vast majority of people! what the fuck am i going to do! without beauty and control over how people perceive me i feel fucking helpless but i cant have those two things at the same time.

#OF GIVING ME THE HRT NOW!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!! OR I AM GOING TO DIE

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guksthighs · 6 years

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Anxious || jhs

Excerpt: ‘ “So what’s going on with you buttercup?” You had settled to holding Hoseok’s hand in yours, squeezing it as you lead the still teary-eyed boy to the nearby park. ’

Genre: fluff, angst

Length: 1k

A/N: i saw a hot boy in my therapy waiting room and my mind wandered. maybe one day i’ll get my cliche love story,,

no one asked for this and you probably dont want it im sorry kiddos

warnings: mentions and description of anxiety and worthlessness

“What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?” Hoseok cursed mentally, at his stupid pick up line; his knee began to tap against the floor before he smoothed his hands over them to try and stop it.

You were watched him unable to stop your lips quirking into a smile at his attempt to flirt with you, “Hoseok we see each other every week,” the boy’s tapping halted, seemingly too busy contemplating what you had just said before grinning and moving so he could rest his head on your shoulder.

The waiting room was full of drawings; pictures made by children who frequented the building, and if you squinted, you would be able to make out Hoseok’s drawing that he had made to ‘immortalise’ you and him. Because it was every girl’s dream to be remembered in the waiting room for therapy sessions.

Hoseok seemed to have dozed off and as your heart fluttered with a mixture of anxiety at the idea of having to discuss how your week had gone, as well as the aspect of having a boy like Hoseok flirt with you.

He had always been like a sunshine in that waiting room; he had seen you looking pale and trembling like a leaf on your first visit and had taken it upon himself to see you smile. Multiple silly faces and jokes later, you had pulled your knees into your chest and risked a smile at him. Since then, the two of you were inseparable.

The boy had always seemed like a ball of happiness to you, radiating sunshine and light and yet there was a time that you would only see him with a tear-stained face, always smiling though.

“I like seeing you smile,” he whispered and you felt the warmth of his tears against your shoulder, causing you to flinch and crane your neck to try and comfort your friend. “Why can’t I protect you?” His voice was trembling and your heart yearned to do whatever you could to bring back that sunshine, that light that had once seemed to be natural was painfully forced now.

Abruptly, you leapt to your feet causing to Hoseok to yelp and flop onto the cushion where you had just been sitting. With a sudden burst of confidence, you outstretched your hand, “let’s go make each other smile.”

Both of you had fallen into the routine of arriving half an hour early to share some time together, before meeting your separate therapists and leaving together. Routine was said to be crucial to healing for both of you, and yet, as Hoseok took your hand and you both walked out together with a small wave and an apology to the receptionist, you felt unstoppable.

“So what’s going on with you buttercup?” You had settled to holding Hoseok’s hand in yours, squeezing it as you lead the still teary-eyed boy to the nearby park. You knew he would love it, daisies having just started to sprout from the long grass and pale pink cherry blossom framing the small patch of green.

The boy next to you felt so fragile, hand clutching yours as he kept his eyes trained on the pavement, bottom lip trembling slightly, “it’s the sixth month anniversary of when we first met,’ your eyes shot open as you prepared to apologise profusely for not buying him anything, but a squeeze to the hand warned you Hoseok had more to say.

“Ever since I laid eyes on you,” Hoseok stopped walking, his hand seemed boiling in your own and you wanted to do whatever you could to make him comfortable again, deciding on dropping his hand and wrapping your arms around his side instead. “You’ve made me feel things I’ve never felt. I can be myself around you, I don’t have to be this eternally happy being to make you like me and what I’m trying to say is I like you?”

Now it was your turn to stop; heart-racing and eyes squeezed shut as you tried to discern if you were dreaming or not. Jung Hoseok, the boy you had been pining after reciprocated your feelings? It seemed impossible and yet as you cautiously opened an eye to look up at him, you knew he was telling the truth.

Especially when you were forced to watch a tear snake down his cheek, moving to wipe it away he simply shook his head, “It won’t work. I’m not good enough for you but I accepted that and just wanted you to know there are no secrets between us anymore.”

There was something about his inability to see his worth to you and all those around him that broke your heart and placing your hands gently to cup his face, you smiled, “you are enough and I feel the same way.” Hoseok began to cry, leaning his head forward as he sniffled, causing you to giggle at his dramatics, “how could I not like you? My idiot sunshine.”

Hoseok pulled his head back, tilting it slightly as if to prepare you for his reasons why you wouldn’t like him, so instead, you grabbed him by the shirt and pressed your lips to his. Both of your eyes were wide open and you jumped away from the kiss in a second, surprised by your actions as well as the fact that he had allowed it.

“I must admit, I was not expecting that,” he laughed and pushed his fringe out of his face before placing his fingers to his lips as if he were reminiscing your first kiss together. It felt silly and yet after all you had been through you felt that the pair of you deserved a cliche love story. Something that seemed unreal, and yet with his hand clutching onto yours like it was a lifeline, you knew that it was very much real.

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