#but its scary and a lot of it is out of my hands

[cosmic-ghost-hermit]

Hey everyone. I am back for a little bit to let yall know im working on making a divination discord server. I have some other things i need to set up before i open it up to the public but im very excited to see yall there! Remember to take what resonates and leave the rest behind but always be open to new experiences. 🩵

-ghost

PILE 1

Crystal: Amethyst

Astrology: ♈️♌️♐️♒️

Vibes: 💛📝🔑💰🚧🎷🏆⚜️🔆🍻🍯🧀🍋🌦️🌻🐝🐣🐱🤲🫨🥱🍰🎾🎗️🏵️🚜🏜️🎁☢️☣️⚠️🚸🔱

Hi there, pile one! So this one is pretty dang straight forward. I see you embracing motherhood. This could be literal motherhood and you could be participating in raising a child but I also see it could be a pet. It definitely looks like it is a little bit of a surprise to everyone involved. I do need to warn you. I can see someone who says they’re on your corner trying to sabotage the situation. It could be purposeful but it also could be accidental. They could just be scared of such a big commitment. Make sure you are equally spreading out the work and everyone is carrying some of the weight of this commitment. There will be chaos if things are not equally distributed. Have everyone research how to help and read up on important information so everyone is on the same page. A village is needed to raise a child but if the village isn’t in harmony. All must be in tandem when raising a little one. If someone isn’t following along with everyone else make sure you are strict about how things are meant to be done. Do not let your village stray from the path. Keep nasty people away from this baby.

PILE 2

Crystal: Black Tourmaline

Astrology: ♉️♏️♓️♊️

Vibes: 🏳️‍🌈🌺🌈🦄💐🥗🍭🛼🎡🚦🎉🎊❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🛍️🌄🏩🏕️🎭🍎🍊🍋🍏🫐🍆🍇🍡🍬

Hellooo, pile 2! Your new journey is a self help adventure. You have been gaslit a lot in your life and I see you learning how to use discernment and seeing right through people's lies and straight to the truth. Your presence is becoming a truth serum for all that surrounds you. Your way more powerful than others have coerced you into believing. You have been polishing your skills in private and now you get to shine like the diamond in the rough you are. This journey might not even be something you notice as it comes and goes. You have proved yourself enough already. Allow yourself to stop filling the cups of others and take time to fill your own. If you do not you will eventually dull that shine and become just like those who coerced you. You have the choice to choose a different fate than the one they chose.

PILE 3

Crystal: Rainbow Moonstone

Astrology: ♎️♊️♏️♉️

Vibes: 💜💖🏳️‍⚧️🎀🫐🔮❄️🍆💠🍧🌸🐬🌷🪻🩵☂️🐙👙🚺👛💎🫦🦋😈💦☯️🩻💞🧷

Hi, pile 3! Your new adventure is a gender expression journey. You will be exploring femininity to its core. Femininity might not be something you are very familiar with but you are learning about using your charm and charisma to get what you desire. You are realizing how much your appearance means to you and how to use it in manifestation. It might be kind of scary to you due to some kind of trauma. I see you could be trans-feminine but i also see you being a cis woman and just afraid of what might happen if you use your appearance like that. The patriarchy is definitely terrifying so I understand the apprehension. Use your appearance for justice. Use your feminine charm for your desires. Do not fear because you are protected by spirit. I see Gaia looking after you while you explore your Empress energy.

PILE 4

Crystal: Flower Agate

Astrology: ♋️♓️♑️♒️

Vibes: 🖤❤️💯🕹️🎸♟️🎳🍉🎮🎹🍒🍓🔌🍎🚬🔥🪨👹🔪🥵🥊🛞🕷️🕸️🐞🦊👠♦️🧣🕶️💋💄♣️

Heyooo, pile 4! Oh my goodness this is exciting. Your new adventure is steeped in love. Romantic, platonic and familial love surround your lonely heart. You were a very lonely kid but now love is filling your life. Suitors are at every turn and you get to hand pick who gets to love you. Make sure you are using good discernment when choosing. Look into the future at what heart longs for and aim for it using that criteria. Your values should align with those you love and they should respect you. Don’t go for those who don't make you feel sparks. Don’t bet on boring or mean people because you deserve to be adored.

PILE 5

Crystal: Dragons Blood Jasper

Astrology: ♏️♍️♋️♌️

Vibes: 🖤🩵❤️🤍✒️⚗️📌🎹🎼💎🧲🎲🎱🧊🍷🫖🦨❄️🔥☁️🐧🦋🎒👟🕶️🪢🥼🫀🥶♠️

Pile 5, welcome to your reading. You are opening doors that you can not close. You are beginning a spiritual journey. It also looks like you are nearing the end of another journey. This journey is meant to take a lot of self reflection. You must stare into your shadow until you love it as much as you love your light. You must look at the part of you that disgust you with love and acceptance. Which believe me I am aware that is much easier said than done but you are ready! You can do this! Seek out a spiritual teacher or a therapist to show you the ropes of shadow work. Facing this alone is scary and it is much easier when you have someone to help guide you through the dark. The universe loves you and wants you to love you as much as it does.

#tarot #tarot reading #astrology #pick a crystal #pick a pile #tarot pick a card #crystals #pick a card #spiritualgrowth #spiritual awakening #spirit #spirituality #shadow work #adventure

[bomber-grl]

hi could I be able to request number 8. embracing them from behind for leo valdez? or if that one's closed by the time you get to this (it's probably popular cuz it's super cute ^-^), then number 30. Laying their head on the other's shoulder also works.

My request is something with some mild angst comfort, maybe Leo is having a stressful day and sees reader turned away from him, and he decides to help himself to some behind-hugs (feel free to adapt that to 30 if that's what you use, also if you wanna switch reader and Leo's places that's cool too). thank you so much I love your writing a lot, its seriously helped me and made me smile through a rough week this week (sorry for making this super long)

Prompt #8: embracing them from behind

The week was long and tiring. You and Leo hadn’t been able to meet lately and when you did it was because of something.

Either monsters, missions, or something just going wrong.

It was a mess and in all the chaos you were finally able to find a calm and quiet place to relax: a place near the lake.

You weren’t the only one affected either, Leos usually cheery demeanor and vibrant light dimmed as exhaustion took its place.

He was really affected- actually. He was skilled and it was no wonder why he was occupied all the time.

Your thoughts stopped swarming you as you picked up on the sound of footsteps against rocks and stray sticks snapping.

It should’ve been scary, it was night but you knew whose footsteps those belonged to.

“Hey, what are you doing out here?” Leos familiar voice rang, loud in comparison to the previous silence.

“Nothing, just relaxing, I guess…” you began playing with the dirt.

Usually sounds of laughter, teasing and jokes would be heard but right now you just needed to be near each other.

He got closer and sat behind you as he wrapped his arms around your your shoulders and stuck his face into the crevice of your neck.

You let out a pathetic laugh, “you tired?”

He let out a mumbled “yea” but then stepped back from his position to stand in front of where you were seated.

Your confusion was short lived as he sat down and spoke once more.

“Can you hold me too?”

Despite the fact that you were both facing each other you somehow ended up switching positions, with you embracing him and now him being embraced.

This time, however, you were both leaning back against a stray log and he was laying in your arms.

Sand was all over the place but despite being near the lake and night, it still held the warmth of the day.

Luckily your hands weren’t a victim of the sand, and so you lifted your right one to play with his hair while your left one remained on his chest.

Mostly because Leo was holding onto it.

“Feels nice” his voice was raspy and his drooping eyes showed how truly spent he was.

“Go to bed, you’re tired ” you spoke without a second thought to your surroundings.

Worst case scenario you’ll wake up by some harpies, maybe Chiron. You’ll get teased by campers, that’s it.

Worst case because if something were to be a danger, you could defend you and Leo.

Leo finally cracked a smile and began giggling at your command. “Really?” His tone was dripping with sarcasm.

You playfully smacked his shoulder and chose to ignore it. “Yea, I’m going to sleep too I don’t care if we become the laughing stocks for a few days. As long as you’re here with me is all that matters.”

He hummed “Kay’ me too then” he yawned “ I never really cared either.

You both fell asleep near the lake and when you both awoke you were lucky and watched the sun rise.

Then scolded for not returning to your cabins last night, dish duty for you!

-

A/n: I’m glad my writing helped you and that you enjoy my posts, it makes me happy. Also don’t worry for how long it is, it’s fine :)

#fanfic #gn reader #male reader #fluff #fanfic fluff #female reader #fluff headcanons #leo valdez x female reader #leo valdez x male reader #leo valdez fluff #leo valdez pjo #leo valdez x reader #pjo leo #hoo leo #bad boy supreme

[athenascmr]

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#so im moving continents in 14 days and im starting to freak out #like im going to a country where i know no one and i speak the language very poorly #i still have to find a place to live because its impossible to find an apartment to rent that will only let me do a three month contract #except for like renting a room and dividing an apartment with another student #but the renters will only talk to me about it personally and obviously im still not in italy for that #and its going to be the first time im living on my own #and god i really want the freedom and to meet new people and to be able to hook up with new people #and its all becoming this nervousness that is not exactly anxiety #and besides all that in September i have to move again to france to go do my masters and im so pumped #but its like 7 months away and im trying to remember that but god i just keep imagining studying and living in paris with a group of friends #and yeah im just way to agitated to sleep #and also like i know that if things go wrong i can always come home #and i have like plan a through h before that #but its scary and a lot of it is out of my hands #and yeah thats enough for today sorry for the word vomit #mine

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Of Finally after days I got Enough courage to say this...

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR ART!!

You are the First Welcome Home artist I followed And I Don't Regret it.

And now Laughingstock Lives in My Head 24/7

Annd the Way You draw Wally is just so...

I don't even know how to describe it!

Your Art brings me so Much Joy!!!

- Blue Anon 🫐

!!!! thank you so much!!! i'm happy to Provide! have a Wally scribble i have to almost completely redo <3

#barnaby's paw is. its broken #it doesnt look like it here but trust me it is his right hand where his left should be #i scribbled out barnaby and went Ah. Broke His Wrist #but anyway!!! #pardon all the spirals and hatches i needed to fill empty space #rambles from the bog #scribble salad #this ask made my night a whole lot better!!! #thank you for finding the courage! i know sending asks is scary as fuck #but im Yippee Yahoo Yippee Yahooing!!! #& im more than elated to Infect you with laughingstock disease <3 no one will escape <3

[thedorfmirrin]

A few doodles i had between commissions, I am still head over heals obsessed with pizza tower!

#dorf's art #sketchy doodles #pizzahead #pizza tower #peppino spaghetti #fake peppino #i headcannon that fake peppino is actually pretty gross and full of trash(considering how dumpy his place is) but he lives for it #he loves being scary toi especially to peppino #he also has weir limbs sticking out of him in various places - they look like they are from others but they are actually his! #he is in control of his form and its hard to keep track if a hand is sticking out somewhere- ya get? #i also imagine my version is a lot more... human? in personality- than animalish like some other interpretations #as human as a goopy monster clone of a anxiety rage machine man can get that is #oh and also pizzer is here i love him

[doodlboy]

Demon El doodle dump!🩷✨️

#obey me #obey me mc #demon mc #demon elliot #doodles #digital art #elliot doodles #so! ik these are a weird range of emotions going on in this art but!! #i wanted to draw that big one in the middle as a full idea for a while and i finally got smthn i like and doesnt feel too stiff #also i just love how the legs and boots turned out #for anybody who doesnt know: demon el is the avatar of bloodlust. he runs a tv show with a more or less captive audience #its a game show but the contestants are like- serious criminals and if they lose they die in wacky scary ways like danganronpa executions #el is also CRITICALLY UNSTABLE and caused a lot of problems when he first fell bc he cant control his ability #that and its chipping away at his mind and driving him insane while his humanity takes a backseat and has to watch all this happen #so! the fantastic 3 seal El in a room of the HOL and only let him out for shows bc hes too dangerous to let out by himself #thinking of the angst potential of satan getting deja vu seeing them chain el up since thats how he was treated when he was first born #els wings. hands. and neck are locked in chains attached to the middle of the floor in the room. just giving him enough give to walk around #i should make like- a masterlist post abt my character lore or smthn #if y'all want to hear it ofc #scheduled post

[b4kuch1n]

been scribblin with the dip pens to prepare for inking the next comic (yuuto⏫’s “origin story” kind of basically) and wow turns out I can do anything I want forever

yuuto’s new friends names of amy and linh >:]c

#UTAU #sawayama yuuto #bakuspecial #[comic tag pending] #I'll be drawing about just the beginning of this whole plot this time round. but boy oh boy if I were paid to serialize this!! #well even if I wont. I will hopefully get to chip away at it a bit at a time. over the next uhhhhh ten years #in another news. I think somethings up with the dip pens. about anything comes out looking good with them #its scary!! I kept looking at my sketches like no way these are gonna work out. but I'll do it for the practice hour #and then I do it and it always turns out pretty good. what the hells!!! thats weird!! thats kinda scary I like it!!! #and like I'm absolutely not even that good with a dip pen yet!! 1/Ive just had these for uhh. two days. and 2/my hands are NOT steady #its why u see me undo and redo a line 298473987 times twice a half hour. it was caught on stream multiple times #but!! the dip pen's making me commit to a line. and also I'm slowly internalizing that anything'd come out okay with them #as long as I have a sketch. boy oh boy is freehanding with these hard #its so. idk its so nice!! its so fun. somehow a lot less pressure than the usual stuff I do lol #I cant wait to really get into drawing this comic... I cant wait to force all of u to look at yuuto&co #you WILL see and hear my baby boy #dskjfhsjk Im so glad the senpai lets me do this. I mean even if he doesnt I will do it anyway. its just gonna suck #but Im so happy I get to do this with him actually #hehehe >:]c

[bangcakes]

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#personal #ladies... its lovesickness on the menu again tn NDNNDNDNDMDMDNDMDMDMDM #god help me #i made it like 29 years without this. why now NFNDNDNNDNDNDNDMD #like ok im happy to be experiencing this in the sense that like... now ik what it feels like to really like someone #but man oh man is it... A Lot #and like maybe its this intense at any age. but idk..... it feels like So Much..... #and im freaking out bc i talk to my mom about it ok. and shes like oh ya that reminds me of how i felt with ur dad in the beginning n im #just... like ... o #bc my parents were like friends first and are like in Love love and have a v happy marriage so im just #the... Potential of having that n like oh god idk. i just dont know its all too much...... #and im also like what if its all in my head. but then again like why is he waiting around for me n messaging me out of the blue. #i also caught him staring at me n looking away after i caught him. i just..... idk like i wanna Believe so bad but im so scared too........ #im all over the place JDJDDMDMDMDMDMDMDNJDND #but i also am just..... i'll be patient .... bc rushing is no good #like idk. i feel like things have been Moving. and its not super fast but its a pace i can handle #bc ok say i Do ask him out or he asks me.... then oh fuck. then all the Scary things happen. like ok not scary #i dint think itd be scary with him #but idk.... physical... things. would start happening n like. id l9ve to hold his hand n like k___ him ok OK. but at the same time i just.. #idk !!!!!!! im v shy !!!!!@@@@@ and ya. ....... idk 😭😭😭 #like i like him so much that i think id want him to .... i just .. ya idk. #getting kind of ahead of myself here but what else is new

[arts-i-enjoy]

AHHHHHH

#this post brought to you by: me #i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses #i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP #like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready #anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT #and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk #and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message #even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL #AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!! #i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year #i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17? #ive had a good well paying job since i was 18. #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job #which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind #so theres no point staying here. #i might never have this kind of job security again. #but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something #on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now #on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT #but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to #richard started yelling and swearing el oh el #might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible? #but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option #the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going #idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks #this is why i want to get out of here #also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about #not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey! #if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!

[cyeayt]

Back on my bullshit answer my questions

while doing some rudimentary research for this poll it has come to my attention that pins and needles are a feeling felt while the limb is asleep, not the period of intense sensation/tingling/sensitivity experienced while it comes back online. or maybe it's both? the stuff i read referred to it as tingling that happens while the limb is pinned/under pressure/numb. i cannot find anything that references what i have come to think of as "the agony" but ive referred to it as the pins and needles in the options for this poll anyway.

Mild: limb has muted sensation but can be moved and used carefully, pins and needles begin almost immediately after limb is moved from whatever position caused it to fall asleep. Pins and needles not painful and do not appear painful, and last a few seconds, person affected is capable of speech and moving other parts of their body during pins and needles, which last a few seconds.

Middle intensity: limb is numb or partially numb and can twitch but not be moved precisely. Pins and needles begin a few seconds after limb is unpinned or when it is moved. Pins and needles not painful but intense and appear uncomfortable, taking a lot of the affected person's attention/capacity. they last between 5 and 7 seconds.

Intense: limb is numb and cannot move/be used, pins and needles begin 5-7 seconds after the limb is unpinned. pins and needles are intense and may be painful or not painful but 'unbearable', causing the affected person to cry out, grimace, or otherwise appear to be in pain. Person cannot speak or move their other limbs during pins and needles, which last 10 or more seconds (without shaking) and have residual tingling for a few seconds after limb regains movement/becomes bearable to move

obviously this all depends on how long the limb was pinned but just answer whichever is the most common for you, and if you want you can put in the tags what positions make your limbs go numb/how you deal.

#polls #poll #tell me your secrets #idk i was just shaking out my hand but im sick/tired rn so i was actively crying out and was thinking #that limbs falling asleep/pins and needles are a very common and intensely unpleasant experience #and its kinda fuckin weird that we as a society dont talk about it more #and that it can be brushed off or be a single line in books n stuff #and like theres a lot of things that get done dirty in books for how intense/scary/dangerous they are irl #like the first time i got the wind knocked out of me and thought i was dying cause its only ever described as #getting the wind knocked out of you #rather than you can't feel the air coming in and out of your lungs #and the only way you can tell youre not dying is that you aren't experiencing air hunger #which can happen when you are dying in certain situations so fuck if i know #and like headrush like i see new colors/lose track of reality/twitch or faint when its real bad and in books its always like #a bout of dizzyness or some shit #and before i get called out yea i know what an iron deficiency is #also rip to all book characters who've been knocked out for several hours after a head injury or passed out from blood loss lol #anyway #then theres shit like my psycosomatic faux asthma symptoms or swallowing issure or the foot thing that are unique to me as far as i can tel #and boy howdy does that suck shit #but to conclude #bodies are weird why dont you tell me how yours works.

[sarakiz]

22-23 season costume appreciation

Conrad Orzel (CAN) - Carmina Burana: O Fortuna by Carl Orff

#conrad orzel #finlandia 2022 #finlandia trophy 2022 #figure skating #fskateedit #fscostume #elite xpression #< i cant find any definite costumer credit here but they've done costumes for him before #which is more than i could find from the other costumers' pages i was looking up #in my head this is deniss's new world symphony costume #this aint about him sorry i just needed to get that out of my head #i do think this perfectly suits the dark drama of o fortuna #though i cant tell if i wished the red went all the way to the gloves instead of continuing the black gradient #my toxic trait is with dark gloves i lose the hand motions a lot of the time cause they blend in with the stands and my eyesight is shit #the finlandia cameras were SO nice wtf i thought abt using nhk or skate can #but the color grading on those takes a bit of wrangling #also conrad girlies are any of u out there? if so how do u do it #everything this man does on the ice terrifies me #not in a like anxious way like with an inconsistent fav like actually viscerally terrifies me #even when he skates clean-ish its scary #which is why an o fortuna program is perfect for him. 100 pcs

[truckstoptigers]

when i was seven and our trailer burned down, i thought about leaving my father there, grabbing my brother, and getting us the hell out

i didn't. i ended up waking our father and we all ended up at the neighbors' house

but i should have

i fucking should have

because the minute he had a chance to be alone with me (after we got to my grandma's trailer) guess what he did! shortly after our fucking HOME burned down and the firefighters gave my brother and i teddy bears and wrapped blankets around us for shock!!!!!! fucking christ i hate our father more than anyone on this earth

#haha :) feeling normal abt this! #all i cared about was my brother being safe. thats all. i still remember holding his hand and walking him to the neighbours house #i couldnt see because i left my glasses in the trailer. they put on the little mermaid cartoon for us. i even remember what episode it was #but i genuinely considered leaving my father there and honestly that scares me #honestly i was afraid to wake him up bc i didnt want him to get mad at me. if he got mad at me i would always suffer for it later #milo murmurs #fun fact we lived w someone & his son and his son ended up becoming my cousin when his mom married my uncle #i am so so glad neither or them were home that night #he was so young. im several years older than him & he was so little that he doesnt even remember we lived together #csa vent #tw csa vent #csa tw #also feeling fucked up abt the fact that my father wld put his cigarettes out on me when he was pissed #sometimes i wonder if the fire started because he was smoking smth and passed out while doing it but my brother slept in his room #i feel like they wouldve been much more worse off if the fire started in their room #anyway im pretty sure that the fire was set intentionally bc he had some ties to the wrong ppl #and either they didnt know me & my brother were also there and were only going after our father or they didnt care we were there #to this day even bonfires make me nervous if i can only smell them & cant see them. i hate smelling smth burning & panicking #we live in the country now so its very common for ppl to burn leaves and wood and what have you. its still scary sometimes #i think abt this a lot actually bc any fire still makes me lowkey nervous. less so if i know where/what its coming from but still nervous

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

RATS are NOT your friends at night while you're reading a scary book

#so if you didnt know. rats are nocturnal #so its 2am where i am rn. my room is pitch dark because i have my blinds shut #and im reading a scary book. lots of spooky creatures and body horror and haunted shit #and my rats. are knocking shit over and chewing on things and generally being menaces #or theyll go silent for a minute abd i think theyre chilling and then all of a sudden theyll drop a toy or something #and scare the shit out of me #they use their spooky little hands to climb on the bars of their cage. and they use their spooky little teeth to aggressively eat kibble #and i gave them new toys today. these edible foraging toys that they love #but that means my room is full of the sound of pulling on bars. or the clicking of a water bottle. or chewing. so muvh chewing #and im reading about this dead body come back to life. with like all of her bones broken. killing a guy in the most grotesque way #and its altogether a very bad experience #i was bored for the first 70ish pages but then it got really fucking good and im hooked. but its also terrifying #the rats have gone silent but now my dog is shifting in his kennel outside my room #both are terrifying. why are my rats silent. why is my dog moving. when will he move next #these animals are harassing me. whats next. my sibling's rabbit is going to break in? in roommate's cat will start scratching at the door? #if my landlord is reading this then ignore all of these tags. we only have a dog sir. no rodents or felines or whatever tf a rabbit is here #ah the rats are making sounds again. terrible horrifying sounds #i have to piss but im scared to get out of bed. i think i live here now. in bed. i cant leave #on a somewhat related note i really want to make deviled eggs rn but i have roommates that are trying to sleep #on one hand i miss living alone. on the other it makes me feel safer to have two other people here with me #even if the threat is only my imagination #and my mischievous critters

[magnoliamyrrh]

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#...... i think too its not just that im bony #its all the new cuts too #...this is the first time after uhhh. round 2 of taking things way too far that ive seen myself. alone. naked. in a coldly lit changing #room #like #fuck #we really did a number on this body #ive been joking for a long time that i look like an okapi or a zebra but like... damn #idk they dont bother me. they never have #im not grosses out by them or even ashamed nor do i even think theyre ugly honestly. but #along with all the bones i just had this feeling of like. oh lol this aint normal. again like..... I looked like A Creature #which on one hand kinda sick bc slightly nonhuman looking half dead but still beautiful but kinda scary creature is exactly what i was #going for in my teen years. and w the meds ive achieved it with 0 severe anorexic stress or obsession or even feeling hunger basically at #all. just empty #but im...older now #and. yea idk if that's really the standard i have anymore #.......what i see now is just. wear. i see my pain and trauma and my souls repeted death. in the way this flesh looks #..... i think back then i used to get a lot more enjoyment out of having a physical representation of how bad im doing psychologically #but i just. dont enjoy my own pain and suffering that much anymore lmao. even i managed to get fed up with the masochism past a certain #point #..... and i think its also that. while im definitely not great (i did spend the last weeks to months posting on here abt how i wanna die #every day lmao) ive also been A LOT worse #all the scars are from... a lot worse. all the bones - i usually only saw them like this when i was a lot worse #..... its almost like idk. looking at it (me) with more sober eyes #.....i hate how tired i look too #i really need to quit smokiny #that shits doing me worse than the not eating or the cutting or any other damn thing

[heffrondriving]

so anyway *binge-watches ancient nigahiga and erb and eddsworld and markiplier and jack & dean videos to cope with the continuing loss of my squandered youth* >:)

#combine that with my perpetual btr brainrot and we got ourselves some gourmet regression babey ! #i still fw these vids though ngl. catch me wailing out nice guys by heart at 2 in the a.m. after watching every single available eddisode #also i still have a good handful of erb raps memorised and ready to go at the drop of a hat. im this classic brand of youtube kid cringe :) #and markiplier is one of those lads i've regularly followed since 2012 but i've been watching lots of 3 scary games and old playthroughs #idk theyre just vv comforting to me. i love btr forever but im admittedly feeling a bit tired of the fandom atm so its nice to change pace #although remembering my insane unhinged obsession for all of these channels which was way worse back then...wOOf not so fun <:o/ #not that it got any better *laughs in this trash blog is enough incriminating evidence for hypocrite jail* but ykyk teenage years man #we've got some ditzies and doozies and doofups there. hits start coming and they don't stop coming or whatever smash mouth said #even just thinkin abt how i mad simped for ryan back then is enough to make me slam my head straight into the fifth dimension rhghjfjrmv #if y'all ever wonder why i turned out to be this special brand of obnoxious...this wasn't even the worst of my old hyperfixations 🤡 #*shivers violently in superwholockibal* #oh well. at least i'm not re-living my cringe ass weeb phase *is going thru some weird inexplicable swede-weeb phase instead* #do pretty girl don't speak #will delete

[modernmutiny]

Sometimes I make very........questionable decisions

#teddy talks #so theres a lot leading up to this strap in #so i grew up with vegan hippie parents that did everything short of smoke bongs with us (moms allergic dads sober) #so we made a lot of our own stuff instead of buying it bc of 'scary gmos' or w.e. #(yes i know its not the gmos and its monsanto thats shitty im AWARE) #the other thing is i have arthritis and one thing thats great for arthritis is capsaicin #the other other thing is its winter and i work in food so i gotta wash my hands A Lot and also our heater is broken atm #so. my hands are dry and cracky. i thought to myself 'well i dont want them to crack and bleed bc were out of blue bandaids so id #have to just change gloves every 3 seconds which is a pain. i have some salve in my jacket ill just use that' #now. i remembered the homemade lotion/salve was orange and healing and smells like popcorn but i made it a while ago #so i forgot if it was turmeric in there or not #so i slathered it all over my hands #...... when i say its like shoving my dry cracked hands inside a giant juicy jalapeno #its been 20 min they still vaguely burn #theyre also bright fucking orange lmao #i make Great decisions yall