#and its going to be the first time im living on my own

[thestarsarebrightertonight]

skinny dipping // theodore nott x fem reader

playlist: skinny dipping - sabrina carpenter

"itd be so nice right? if we could take it all off and just exist and skinny dip in water under the bridge"

summary: y/n and theo have known eachother their whole lives but when sorted into different houses and fears of unrequited feelings take over , they lose their bond- but not really.

no real skinny dipping just the song LMAO its metaphorical , ravenclaw reader , use of y/n , fluff , childhood friends wtih obvious feelings

masterlist

it was just any other weekend on the hogsmeade trip when you heard the barista of the small cafe you sat in call out his name.

"theo!" she said , placing down a black coffee and moving on to serve more people , but you left your eyes burning holes into the cup.

until his hand went to grab it , giving a quiet and dull thanks before moving over towards the tables , where you sat - not noticing you yet.

you quickly moved your eyes away and pretended to be busy when his body turned in your direction , your acting cut off by your name being called in a voice you could hardly recognise.

"y/n?" he said as you looked up to see him stood infront of your table.

you took your time to study his face , he looked so different it was terrifying , he wasnt the same eleven year old boy you were attached to. but you werent so suprised by how he looked , you always watched him from afar.

"hey.." you let out softly , smiling at him anxiously.

it seemed weird to be anxious around your best friend , except you werent really best friends anymore , just two stanger with memories. memories you can never forget.

"we go to the same school but ive not seen you in ages!" he said excited by your appearance.

"really cause i see you everyday" you chuckled as he laughed too , sitting in the chair in front of you.

"yeah well you know i have bad eyesight," he shrugged with a bright grin.

"how could i forget , having to read everything at a distance to you as kids was a daily occurance" you both laughed as you forget all of your past worries.

"no seriously , its really good to see you , i dont know why we stopped talking anyways!" theo smiled.

you sat in silence for a second , you knew exactly why. the second you gained feeling for theodore at the end of first year you immediatly ghosted him for the next 5 years- and here you are now , sitting opposite the boy you never really got over.

"yeah...well how are you theodore?" you gave him your best smile.

"merlin dont call me that , its theo or dory , remember the name you came up with when we were 5!" his eyes sparkled in the nostalgia.

"i still have no idea where i got that nickname from," you both laughed.

"anyways , im okay. i was having a bit of a shitty day but its better now ," he replied.

"oh really , what happened?"

"nothing just boring studying for exams and my friends were all busy, but i guess it was fate that i came in here," he grinned at you as you felt your heart melt. this was exactly why you stopped talking to him , he could make you go crazy and not even know.

"yeah , so you could run into your shy ravenclaw friend you havent talked to in 5 years," you laughed.

"5 years 1 month and 12 days," he said as your laughing ceased, "i counted the days , i....i really missed you."

your whole demanor softened as you watched him stare down at your coffees unable to hold eye contact , "theodore i wouldve talked to you sooner if you said you wanted to talk .i know i kinda iced you out but im always here."

"i know bella , i just guess something changed that day , you...changed," he said softly.

"yeah well you did too theo , not talking was best for us , we needed to grow and be our own people," you reached out to hold his hand , not realising your seperation had effected him.

"i kinda lied when i said i hadnt seen you , i...well i find you every day, to make sure youre okay," he admitted with a maroon blush across his cheeks, "i guess i hoped you looked out for me too."

"of course i did, i still do. just because we dont talk doesnt mean you arent important to me theo."

he stared into your eyes , seeing his sadness begin to fade and be replaced with a fond adoration as you gazed back in the same haze. looking at him in this way didnt help with your unrequited-

"i love you," he whispered never once breaking eye contact.

your jaw dropped in suprise , "t-theo do you mean..."

"i love you and i always have , the day you stopped talking to me i think a part of me died or something. do you not realise how my friends seem to bully everyone but you? how im at all of your quidditch pratices and games? do you not wonder why no guys approach you? they all fucking pity my unrequited pining," theodore dropped his head and let go of your hand , frustration building up.

"theo," you gained his attention as he hesitantly brought his eyes back up to meet yours , "i love you too, more than words could describe. i guess i just thought youd never like me that way so i left you alone. i couldnt deal with my own feeling and i let it out on you im sorry-"

"dont say sorry bella," he said softly as he held the side of your face , tracing his thumb across your cheek softly, "water under the bridge?"

you smiled at him , holding the hand that rested on your blushed cheek , "water under the bridge."

stream skinny dipping by sabrina carpenter

#harry potter x reader #harry potter #theodore nott #hp fanfic #x reader #theo nott #hp fandom #hp #theodore nott x reader #theodore nott x y/n #theodore nott imagine #theo #slytherin #slytherin boys #ravenclaw #sabrina carpenter #skinny dipping #fanfic #harry potter imagine #draco malfoy #lorenzo berkshire #mattheo riddle

[theosconfessions]

The Miscellaneous questions for River and his man/child, i mean husband.

i actually loled haha!! thank you for asking, love.

MISCELLANEOUS: Is money a problem? River: its not. i think we're lucky that blake got drafted and makes a good amount of money playing football. we literally got married while we were still in high school and a good majority of kids that do that are NOT in the same position we're in right now.

How many cars do they own?

Blake: we own two. one for riv to take the kids around when im not home and one for me to take to practice/games all that stuff.

Do they own their home or do they rent?

Blake: DUDEEEE if my apartment couldve magically grown with every kid we had ..then i would still be renting. good memories in that place

River: better memories in a place where we actually have room for kids..and me.

Do they live near the coast or deep in the countryside?

Blake: we're balls deep in suburbia right now. his parents live out in the country and FUCK I WANT IT SO BAD.

Do they live in the city or in the country?

River: suburbs ..for now.

Do they enjoy their surroundings? River: i was fucking DYING in that apartment. i think having the house kinda gives me space so i dont really necessarily feel like im suffocating.

Blake: you feel like your suffocating?

River: in your man cave apartment i did yeah.

What’s their song? Blake: i gotta do it' so high school'-taylor swift

What do they do when they’re away from each other? River: we dont constantly text eachother but little pics through the day i think. gives us time to be you know separate people and lets us enjoy whatever we're doing at the moment without being glued to our phone all the time.

Blake: i demand sexy riv pics every night im away [smirks]

River: demands a strong word.

Blake: you know what i mean. i APPRECIATE sexy riv pics every night.

River: dude. looking like a douchebag.

Where did they first meet? Blake: we went to school together [smirks] friends first.

How did they first meet? Blake: we were in the same gym class and he fucking PELTED me with a dodgeball man. love at first sight. for me.

Who spends the most money when out shopping? Blake : *points to riv*

River: treats.

Who’s more likely to flash their assets? River: oh my god blake. he does it during games. FINED ALL OF THE TIME.

Blake: worth it [smirks]

Who finds it amusing when the other trips over? River: me. hes not coordinated at all. youd think he would be but....

Any mental issues? Blake: oh god yeah. i mean...

River: i have depression. the past years been kinda.. i dont know. but i am doing better. im getting better

Blake: my boy.

Who’s terrified of bugs? River: i think both of us? fuck that shit.

Who kills the spiders around the house? Blake: Nellie

River: definitely Nellie.

Their favourite place? Blake: [smirks] theres this little ranch up in chestnut ridge. i love taking him there. just me him. no kids.

River:thats a good place [smirks]

Who pays the bills? Blake [raises hand] and proud of that shit

Do they have any fears for their future? River: i think that...we went through a lot of rough stuff in our separation and i just..do not want to go through that again. i think we're on a good path right now and i want to stay on that path

Blake: i think what riv said yeah. the last thing we both wanted when we were having problems was a divorce. and its something i do not want. i guess thats my fear for my future. i just wanna be good for him. i know i wasnt in the past.im trying to be now.

Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? Blake: me for SURE.

Who uses up all of the hot water? Blake: again me for SURE. but he can crash the shower whenever

River: me time,babe.

Who’s the tallest? Blake: me. rivers a short shit.

Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other? River:thats definitely blake. i LOVE showering alone but hey.

Blake: wont turn down that DICK.

River: gross.

Who wanders around in their underwear? River: [points to blake] he hasnt learned.

Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? Blake: River for sure.he has a pretty voice though. love to hear that shit.

What do they tease each other about? River: i like to tease him over how much of a pussy he was for me back in our first starting dating days

Blake: i cried after we fucked for the first time. for real. and id do it again.

Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? River: me. blakes taste is .....

Do they have mutual friends? River: not anymore.

Who crushed first? Blake: oh me for sure. unless riv is about to say something i didnt know

River: i never really considered that AT ALL until you kissed me that one day. you werent on my radar at all i was so into my girlfriend at the time

Blake:until ....

Any alcohol or substance related problems? River: no we both quit that stuff when teddie came along.

Who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? Blake: we are good boys [smirks]

Who swears the most?

River: i think me and its purely because of my dads influence i swear to god.

#the stephens continued #river stephens #blake donovan #asks

[athenascmr]

.

#so im moving continents in 14 days and im starting to freak out #like im going to a country where i know no one and i speak the language very poorly #i still have to find a place to live because its impossible to find an apartment to rent that will only let me do a three month contract #except for like renting a room and dividing an apartment with another student #but the renters will only talk to me about it personally and obviously im still not in italy for that #and its going to be the first time im living on my own #and god i really want the freedom and to meet new people and to be able to hook up with new people #and its all becoming this nervousness that is not exactly anxiety #and besides all that in September i have to move again to france to go do my masters and im so pumped #but its like 7 months away and im trying to remember that but god i just keep imagining studying and living in paris with a group of friends #and yeah im just way to agitated to sleep #and also like i know that if things go wrong i can always come home #and i have like plan a through h before that #but its scary and a lot of it is out of my hands #and yeah thats enough for today sorry for the word vomit #mine

[skitskatdacat63]

"average person creates 3 new AUs per year" factoid actually just statistical error. average person makes 0 AUs per year. Alternate Universes Catie, who lives in cave & makes over 2 each month, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

#i think about how many ive made this year and i feel a bit woozy #its so funny bcs ive always been weirdly staunch abt not making AUs for my own characters #<- just bcs i wanna establish them and putting them in different AUs makes it a bit less stable so #and them i start drawing fanart for the first time in my life and go absolutely nuts #let me think hmm i think ive made 8 or so this year 🤔 #not all of them have art yet but they do haunt me #like also does it count if you make offshoots of your own AUs 😭 #i have too many thoughts ;;;;; #also i think its just bcs i really crave learning new info #and ive learned *a lot* about f1 so its fun to make AUs by learning more abt smth else and then combining them #like hmm how do these real world events fit into early 18th century europe JSKFKGLLVLV #actually i *do* live in cave. me and my dark bedroom 🤧 #if you stay on my blog you WILL get a history or culture lesson abt some inane thing #catie.rambling.txt #*i need to start putting 'scheduled' in the tags of posts so you guys dont get a horrible perception of my sleep schedule #well it is horrible. but not horrible enough that im staying up *too* late

[twinkdemise]

#iasip #mac macdonald #s3e11 dennis looks like a registered sex offender #just rewatched this episode. god it's so good definitely in my top 10 overall in the show #the dinner scene my forever beloved i hold you close to my heart. it's so insanely satisfying from a writing perspective. #the way it all ties together and even though it's a scene about a dinner being fucking ruined and its got these #relatively high emotional stakes its so so. neatly written that it ends up feeling cathartic? in a way #idk what im saying man that scene's just really good #something about mac and charlie's scheme and motivations clashing with their parents' (and franks) #and them being kind of forced to reckon with the fact that their parents are real people with their owns wants and needs #(especially mac charlie ends up using this to his advantage and kind of betraying mac ig) #also a scene that emotional ending with a shot of charlie going Ohh and the seed has been planted is wild. #also mac being so worried about the fact that the vibe might be off... DO YOU WANT FLAT AMBIANCE??? #he just wants things to be normal!! he just wants a normal nice dinner party and normal parents who are together and happy and love eo!! #also there's a motif that shows up repeatedly of him wanting to seem like a good dinner host lol just kind of noticed that idk #maybe reading into this too much but god the theme of him so often being in denial of reality in order to #live up to certain societal standards and achieve normalness. #this is kind of the first (and imo one of the best) episodes with a plot line about mac's relationships with his parents #and their family dynamic in general which i find so so fascinating. #also i think this is the only time (except for the christmas video) where we see mac's parents together. #on a lighter note ig the dinner scene has so many other great quotes... charlies so funny in it #the man doesnt blink mom the man doesnt blink!! #the charmac in this episode was so excellent in general. the car scene where they freak out and become convinced luthers going to kill them. #YOU DONT DO THAT! YOU DONT EAT SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY DONT HAVE HEROIN IN THEIR ASS!! #i do rmbr watching this ep with my dad and him going Well that one was just kind of sad. #which.... i mean yeah. real. #thats it im done i think #also i ended up having to type all this in my notes bc tumblr tagging is so painful #what if i said smth and then went Hey i want to say that a bit differently? oh? youre just straight up not gonna let me do that. oh okay. #fuck you

[silvermarmoset]

your tags are SO true like it was one thing to bring tennant back pre-ncuti, since the whole point of that was quite transparently to increase viewership FOR ncuti, but to be like "actually tennant!doctor gets to go have his own life and ncuti is a totally different offshoot" is like ....... well.

i'm screaming a lot in the tags but i'm guessing you meant these ones?

#honestly. horrible horrible flex to set ncuti up across from the most beloved doctor from the start?#like i (and im guessing a lot of other people!) will /always/ be drawn to 10 and feel like he's our doctor#don't set ncuti up like that!! deny us dt and MAKE US LOOK AT HIM. this is so SO weird rtd wtf did you do

because yeah. it actually makes me a bit furious because leaving a spare doctor hanging around and sending Ncuti off as a double is just handing the perfect excuse to every bigot who wants to claim that Ncuti isn't the real doctor, the real doctor is back on earth in Donna Noble's garden. Why do that? Why make it easy for fans who want to drop the show now and pretend it's always the old way, forever?

i can think of reasons for doing it this way—like i'm 95% certain this was just a convoluted way to give Donna her happy ending—but none of the possible reasons i can think of justify going about it like this. I love Ten, and Tennant, I could watch him go on adventures forever, but the point should be I DON'T GET TO because because here's A WHOLE NEW WONDERFUL DOCTOR to go on adventures with! The whole constant point in Who is that change and death DO happen, and one of the joys is grieving the old while embracing the new!

But this episode doing this weird little pivot where you can die but still live, where a separate form of you can rest* so you can go on adventures....idk what moral RTD was aiming for here but it feels like he just shot his own next era in the foot for no particular reason beyond "we love Ten" (and we do but. come on)

*(what does that even mean?? canonically we know the doctor is restless and always running into trouble so what was the point of that?? it's confirmed he's going to mars on fun little trips!! this is the same man and you gave him a tardis and apparently there's no sacrifice at all?? what is this!! why!!)

#the giggle #dw spoilers #part of me is like. it's the epilogue! it's putting a button on the old universe and nuwho. but like— #NCUTI IS IN THE SAME UNIVERSE. it's still his universe! what are we even putting a button on here? are you going to tell me that every time #london gets invaded for the rest of the show (and lets be honest its going to happen within like 2 episodes anyway) we're all going to sit #and not wonder where The Other Doctor With His Own Goddamn Tardis is? why he is not helping here? #also. side note. it is not as egregious as *waves hands* everything else about this #but it felt like a very very big disservice to have ncuti's first moments still be david's #because i'll be honest. when david is onscreen i will watch him first. i will watch him and pay attention to him because he's my favorite! #putting ncuti across from ten (THE fave) is making him do TOO MUCH in his first twenty minutes of screentime #felt like setting him up to fail from the get go because of COURSE i was distracted by david tennant it's david tennant. OF COURSE. #just feel like rtd should have known better. PEOPLE DIE. make 10/14 die!! i will hate it but make me deal with it!! #then make me see 15 and fall fully in love with him #can you imagine if nine had been around during ten's first ep? skinny dt wouldn't have stood a chance. thats why we DO it this way russell #you HAVE TO MAKE US DEAL WITH LOSS. ugh im done fuming but yeah not happy w that #i mean. monkey brain me who loves ten and wants him to live forever was delighted. #the rest of me who has a brain and thought processes thought it was dirt and made 0 sense in any way.

[tamagotchikgs]

just got the news that since my brother is moving away we’ll have to move back home & get a trailer to live in and i cant handle that dude i cant move back there with everything all the memories and all the bad stuff everything tthat is that place i cant do it i cant even breathe thinking about it ive never knwon fear like this and i am in a constant state of varying terror

#having to live in a trailer would suck enough on its own. i have to get rid of all my furniture #i just got a bed #i had been having to sleep on the floor since i was 16 #i just got a room of my own for the first time in my entire life #i got a desk #also my anxiety is so bad in close quarters #but mostly im worried about my cats #how are they gonna live in a tiny little trailer with my mom #she hates them #i dont want them to know what it’s like to be hated #im just. so scared #im going to cry #no actually i am crying #i just don’t want to go back there

[the-acid-pear]

I never tried the option myself bc it'd probably mean skipping the Reason You Suck speech at the end (fire for speedrunners though) but I Love that you can frame your Phoneys in 3, especially so if you've already killed the previous two. Like yeah couldn't send you off to die so i'll let the goverment do it for me 🧸 like its just Peak evil imo.

#luly talks #i do relinquish in the pain and the agony but dont get me wrong the thought of any of them 3 getting jailed makes me SO sad #rog esp since he's the one im writing about and the biggest nerve wreck #gingi voice they'll be the last one to pick the board game for prison-game-night.......... #actually yknow i wonder if rog would end up almost believing it after all when you try to gaslight him for the shits and giggles #(as in: telling HE was victim of the bite of 87 and the like) he tells you to not do that bc his brain is already scrambled or something #so there's a chance perhaps he'd believe it if he had everyone constantly accussing him of it? #not like it'd matter much i have no hopes for the dsaf justice system i know its been 35 years since jack got framed but still #i just remembered when the option popped up i said ''god im really becoming steven 😭'' #first time i made the joke too was when i said ''imagine your boss sucks so bad you turn suicidal'' no clue what the context was #OH YEAH JAKE SAYING HE'D RATHER FUCKING DIE THAN KEEP WORKING HERE yeah. poor guy. #anyway im derailing my own post again uhhh. yeah. yeah i dont trust any phoney is avoiding the death sentence #dsaf #roger jones #dsaf roger #btw just for the sake of yapping longer i truly cant decide whether harry or jake would survive better in the enviroment #probably jake to be honest. I mean Harry has a lot of experience inside freddy's but he didnt really live outside it muhc #jake is so confrontational though #hey did you guys watch the hit movie felon? sure that guy wasn't framed but. i feel like jake would end up w that attitude #except for. you know. everything else that happens in the hit movie felon. #hey actually forget about this game go watch the 10/10 movie Felon from 2008 starring Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff #because its one of my all time fave movies and probably the saddest i've seen #not bc there arent movies that are more tragic but bc no movie was able to break thru my walls of idgaf and make me cry anyway #yeah you thought i couldnt bring up my movie fixations on my different fandom posts well you were WRONG in fact #im gonna go tag my other post i left untagged yesterday bc my ass was Cooking

[spinoff-antithesis]

(muth being music theory!)

#FUCK IT MY OWN EDITION OF THE ODDLY SPECIFIC POLLS BC THESE ARE FUN #me when i've been obsessed with space/time stuff since i was a KID its more an interest than hyperfixation rn but man. #media with any of those?? i am OBSESSED (star wars rottmnt movie etc etc) like i hyperfixated on dr who for a year in middle school #the skateboard one is so funny. in high school my guard instructor saw me with a friend's pennyboard & immediately said no. #me when i was notoriously clumsy in middle + high school so everyone i knew was like. “this is a bad idea” when i did anything #my first semester of college i bought a longboard off someone then 5months later i turned around & ate SHIT it was so funny in retrospect #anyway fun sage lore i have only ever heavily injured the left side of my body. my knee + elbow and the SAME FUCKING TOOTH. TWICE. #also i have a high pain tolerance. like idk how or when but in middle school it just got Really Strong. me when i injure myself and just #live with it for a year before it becomes a concern and i get told to get an xray (i will live with a fractured knee the rest of my life) #also when i fell off my skateboard and ate shit my first concern was “ah fuck my glasses did i break my nose” and #“nah my elbow isnt broken! my arm is just rly sore from how i landed on it” (readers. it was in fact fractured.) #like i literally went “no im fine we dont need to tell my mom or go to the er” and my friends said “call your mom and go to the er” #me spitting out my tooth and blood bc i also busted my lip: that hurt. time to hobble back to my dorm. #anyway hiding this one in the tags bc i will never not just ignore my issues LMAO did it with my ptsd dx and i will continue to do it #another incredibly hyperspecific thing: oh this doesnt seem normal! im gonna ignore it and hope it goes away #these symptoms match up to something? nah i'm sure it's not that! (proceeds to get dx'd with ptsd five months later)

[gibbearish]

am finally back home and can say without a doubt that i am just fundamentally not built for long distance travel however the train was much nicer than planes

#that being said. pressurized cabins drive me insane a little bit #and also it gives you pretty intense sea legs for a While #like. the ones from the first trip hadnt gone away by the return one. so. might be stuck with that for a few days #we shall see #also ajr live fucks severely #the albums were already incredible but that was a goddamn religious experience #like. idk the way i think abt it is theyre more djs than a regular band esp w their performance showing the making of way less sad #like their music is very electronic‚ theyre making mixes of their own sound effects more than singing in one go #so like. the vocals were a teeensy bit rough at times #notably times it has taken me Literally Hundreds Of Hours Practice to be able to consistently sing along with #and times ive found its literally physically impossible to like. no matter what #idc how big your lungs are‚ there is no human on earth who can do that final run of karma in one breath #much less to An Entire Stadium After An Hour Of Jumping And Dancing And Singing Loud As Fuck #so like i dont blame them for that‚ you dont go to live shows expecting it to be 100% perfect anyways jwbdjsbfksb #the trumpet however. well she was certainly playing sometimes. and was very enthusiastic about her flares. #however. in most of their songs they use midi trumpets to my ear at least #meaning she was likely an addition specifically for live performances and in my personal band kid opinion #prooobably was not in any of the like. higher tier bands? idk just. a lot of the mistakes she was making were hitting as stuff that got #taught out of us the instant we joined any band beyond regular concert #so i would guess she was probably just like. a friend who happened to play trumpet in high school or maybe even just middle school #and they knew that the trumpet parts in their pieces were big and distinct enough that like they /had/ to get a live player #and just kinda. didnt anticipate the audition -> performance gap #like. her tone was really fried the whole time like she was playing as hard as possible #which. she was mic'd. have the sound guy turn her up. #the way they did it made it sound like she was using a mute but not. like she only got the bad parts of a mute from it yknow #her tempo and timing were. bad. theres no nice way to put that one it just Was Bad‚ like the trumpet runs in ajr songs arent. complicated #like. quite literally if you handed me the sheet music right now i would have it down perfect in a week at absolute most #and better than that player on sightread. like. we did so many sightreading drills. #like ill share my band kid creds if anyone cares but i need to emphasize this isnt me being braggy like. they genuinely just arent hard #fuck im out of tags. w/e i think only like one of yall also listens to them anyways so i can leave it there

[stamplerfag]

i love blurring lines between being character and being obsessed w them

#i have phases of clicking w characters im usually just Into. when the brainrot is really bad #willy lives in here. sometimes #which is fun #very fun #i can be scary too she lives in here #its fun to feel those feelings in first person even if i channel them to fit my own desires & understanding #same was true in taz im magnus but ive clicked w angus & taako a time or two. and barry #i dont think ive ever been terry though i dont resonate w him i just. have to be codependent with him #i Am ron as a consistent thing none of the others are like that though #maybe this should go to drafts. im fucking stupid #.dxt #(i released it from drafts. i must be seen.) #i contain multitudes.... playtime in my head.....

[guinevereslancelot]

i am unknowable and incapable of love goodnight <3

#romantic love i mean #against my will tho bc i want love so bad #but tbh i never feel anything more than awkward when i date 😬 #i only feel comfortable with people when there's no romantic pressure idk #would genuinely love to build a platonic life with someone why do i have to be in love to marry someone and have a family w them 😭 #love is real im just never going to experience it btw #but i still would like companionship and i really want kids tbh #i dont want to settle for not love in a relationship where thats expected or wanted and the other person loves me #but if it was an entirely platonic no pressure relationship that would be nice #maybe that would grow into love but the pressure of romance right off the bat kills the romance #in need to be close friends for like a decade first #sorry sorry im rambling insane thoughts its 11:30 and i just decided to break up with someone #and he's staying at my home so im even more painfully aware of having another person so deeply involved in my life that they become family #sorry you're not family i dont know anyone but my family well enough to let them be family and i never will please get out of my house #i make no sense but basically i love my family and want kids of my own but i dont want romance in there just platonic family love #romantic love is too hard to find and scary and weird i basically want to live with my actual family and adopt some kids someday sorry #this might change if i met the right person but i would need to be friends with them for a long time with no pressure first #and looking for that person is too forced and weird #anyway #its 11:30 in my 20s a week before valentine's day so naturally i am going insane that's all goodnight

[magnoliamyrrh]

i think that whole "never felt safe growing up and most of my life" thing did real damage to my psyche lmao

#......... whole damn childhood of not feeling safe. i think... the one place i can even think of where i was truly comfortable was my aunts #house. and id see her rarely and not get to stay w her that often/long... #.... apart from that?.... just constant fucking fear and wanting to escape and be left alone #... when i got older like middle high college id feel somewhat safe at friends houses. but i always dreaded having to go home #when i lived at college was... the first time i actually lived somewhere where i felt kinda safe and at home. but my parents made sure to #remind me that it wasnt my actual home lmaoo and that they could take it away at any moment #just like how after we moved from romania i had to hear all the time. while i was stuck in a foreign country as a kid. that my room isnt my #own nothing is my own i owe them everything privacy wasnt allowed etc etc #...... after college i lived w my partner in the ghetto. like shots outside 7+ times a day sorta ghetto. i literally felt safer and more #comfortable and vibing and chill than i did at home with my parents?? lmaoo jfc i actually miss it #apart from that... probably the second time i was in the psych ward lol #and after i come back from romania its gonna be months again of having to stay alone w my stepfather whose like. weirdly sexually attracted #to me and loud and agressive and it just. triggers me so fucking much. god. i hate all this. i hate all this #twenty two fucking years of knowing little else than fucking fear and loneliness. i just. want. to feel safe. #for fucking once #so often i just wanna curl up in a borrow and never come out. thats all i want. im so tired. im so tired of this

[possiblytracker]

valentines day became a lot more fun and less agonising to me as an ace-aro person after it finally clicked over the past few years that whatever the fuck happens today is what i make of it, and that can and does include loving and appreciating the shit out of the friends ive decided i'd like to spend my life with in a way that i can define on my own terms not limited to the generic concept of romance. which i absolutely revel in doing, personally

#first and last post im gonna make about it BUT #kinda wild as a kid who got picked on on vday and got Insanely bitter abt the whole holiday for most of my teenage years #and coped by being 'totally fine with' the idea of living and dying alone bc who could Possibly want to get that close on my terms #that im here now and actually vibing with it #and like. if you hate vday personally i am giving you a pat on the back in solidarity. me too still for the most part #i am not going to be annoying about it for your sakes i respect you so much. best of luck avoiding Designated Love Day #but i am personally reclaiming this shit as a semi-recently discovered Bitch Who Yearns. #what a nice day to consider love in all its incredible forms! how great to remember i love and am loved in return #despite the years and years of thinking it just wasnt something that even loosely applied to me #funny how that works out sometimes. that im still learning things about myself #(some of this is slightly exaggerated ofc i have and have had friends who mean a Lot to me throughout! when i say 'alone' i dont mean Alone #(but it is still only recently ive started to unpack the 'i dont Need to bond that closely with people im Fine to live on my own' kinda #shit that i internalised for a stupid long time as a teenager #maybe i Do want to spend my life with other people in my own queerplatonic way and not only are there people who want that with me #but also make me want it with Them. and thats more than i could ever have imagined as a teenager) #ok tags ramble over im done getting sentimental khgCSDJ