#because there isnt anything i actually want anymore

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being ex-HYDRA and Bucky being your mentor

Bucky Barnes x teen!reader

warnings:

a/n:

prompt: @marvelflame2010: “Hello, can you write headcanons for Bucky Barnes being a mentor to a teenager (around 15-16) that was ex-HYDRA and is trying to be a hero? read your request rules, so I hope that this is proper. Thank you!”

sometimes it felt like no one knew what you had went through, being abducted and forced to be a weapon for a secret organization whose purpose was to gain more control

but when you met these avengers, it felt like everyone and their momma knew what it was like

bucky barnes, for example

the winter soldier, a WWII soldier deemed missing in action, presumed dead, and happened to be a prisoner of war and beyond

the experimentation and mind control he endured was much like your own, which gave you some comfort

“does it ever feel weird hearing one of your trigger words as a civilian? you know, now that we got ‘reset?’” -you

“not…no, not really? who’s speaking russian around you, y/n?” -bucky

“uh…i mean, no one. i’ve just been watching a lot of russian tv recently” -you

“why would you naturally assume i am also doing that?” -bucky

“why did you assume i didn’t?” -you

ok, thats not the greatest example of bucky mentoring you, but it’s a great example of sarcastic bickering!

honestly, the hardest part was learning how to be gentle again

if you could even say you were ever gentle to begin with being taken so young

it was hard to be so ruthless and unfeeling and have to start feeling

the nights of panic and anxiety were the worst, they made you wish you had that switch in your mind still. you’d whispered the trigger words to yourself sometimes to see if they were still there and if they could “help” you turn off those feelings

but bucky knew. he knew and he learned and he stuck with you

“y/n, those feelings are good” -buck

“no! no, they’re not. why are you saying it’s good to feel bad? i can’t breathe! i can’t think!” -you

“because you have feelings now. it’s the same as when you’re happy. you get to feel happy, it comes with all that other stuff. you have options, opportunities, this is one of them. you just have to take deep breaths” -bucky

combat training was the strangest feeling

“nope. too hard” “pulling your punches now” “your aim there was lethal” “you can’t put that much force into a chokehold” “cutting someone’s finger off isnt cool, y/n. kind of a dick move” “you automatically try to inflict severe injuries, arteries should not be the go-to. disarm your enemy first, if anything”

nothing ever felt right

if you were fighting effectively, you’d risk killing someone, which isn’t what you do anymore

if you held back too much, you’d be injured or killed, and all this would be for nothing

there had to be a sweet spot, but it was never what you were trained for. you were trained to eliminate your targets by any means

but you understood bucky all the same

bucky was there to help you acclimate to the norm too

like, whatever that was

says the guy with the metal arm and fought in world war ii despite the fact it was now like. 2020-something

like a normal ass dinner

“you know, i rarely ever got to go out to eat as a kid” -bucky

“can you ever say something that doesn’t make you sound ancient?” -you

“hey, you wanna pay for your meal tonight or do you want me to?” -bucky

“sorry…” -you

you liked to watch dumb tv shows (the american kind) with him

he’d indulge for a few minutes and then walk off unless he was REALLY interested

actually, he really enjoyed the office

“which avenger would each character be?” -you

“don’t…don’t make me do that” -bucky

“come on! you know, i kind of think phyllis and bruce are alike. like, theyre soft until they get mad and then all bets are off” -you

“that is…dumb” -bucky

sam really loved that bucky was there for you

but he saw that bucky was kind of doing it to distract himself too

“you know, me and steve found bucky just minding his business a while back. all he wanted then was to be alone, mind his business. this? this was what he needed” -sam

“what? a teenage hydra defector?” -you

“i mean, if youre gonna put it that way” -sam

“no, i get what youre saying” -you

steve actually didn’t come up too much, you know?

you thought bucky was trying to keep himself in the present as much as he could

which was what you were trying to learn from him in the end. how to move forward

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @locke-writes // @sweetheartlizzie07 // @queen-destenie // @johnmurphyisqueer // @captainshazamerica // @ravenmoore14 // @canarypoint // @procrastinatingsapphictrash // @swanimagines // @randomfandomimagine // @petersgroupie // @summersimmerus // @scarthefangirl // @bad4amficideas // @sheridans-dynamos // @simsrecs // @prettysbliss // @skdkdkckfk // @simp-legend // @wild-rose-35 // @nekoannie-chan // @evilcr0ne // @v0idl1nq // @ruvaakke // @thedarkqueenofavalon // @amirahiddleston // @beth-gallagher22 // @brutal-out-here // @rqmanoff // @elenavampire21 // @mymelodymia // @pheonixfire777 // @deanzboyfriend //

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes imagine #winter soldier #winter soldier x reader #marvel #marvel x reader #marvel imagine #avengers #avengers x reader #avengers imagine

[echantedtoon]

Been tossing around ideas for this with @lavenderdrxp and I find this idea absolutely hilarious. Takes place in Kimetsu Gauken.

*You are Muzan's fiance but not by choice. It was an arrangement made by your families when you both were younger as part of a business deal.

*Despite being his 'fiance', Muzan doesn't even acknowledge your presence unless he absolutely HAS to. In fact he even legitimately forgets you even exist most of the time too busy with his plans to take over Japan. He's a pretty sorry excuse for a fiance. The only reason you haven't just called it quits yet is out of respect for your family but you're very close to not caring anymore and calling the entire thing off. It's not like he'd care.

*Despite this one day he actually does acknowledge you!... Because he wants to use you to infiltrate Kimetsu Academy to spy on his Cousin Kagaya.

*Up to this point Kagaya and Muzan hate one another only acting distantly cordial at family gatherings if even that. Despite that Kagaya has never met You. He knows his cousin was engaged but he's never met Y/n (mostly Muzan's fault for refusing to bring you anywhere EVER), so You would be the perfect spy. (Brilliant thinking am I right?)

*You reluctantly agree only on the basis that he shuts up about this entire thing he won't stop bugging you about.

*You set up a meeting with Kagaya via Muzan giving you his number and intergrade yourself into the Academy's staff as his and Amane's new secretary. Giving you access to many of the Academy's...grading papers. And student profiles and... There's nothing here that screams 'government Intel's or anything Muzan would want. It's just a normal every day school.

*He INSISTS that you keep looking around much to your annoyance.

*Kagaya and Amane know the entire time btw. Muzan isnt as clever as he thinks he's being. They knew from the moment Kagaya interviewed you for the job, but he found his cousins attempts to sabotage him quite amusing and let you stay.

*Slowly things start turning. You start to really enjoy your job at the Academy. You've already made friends with a few teachers like Kyojuro, and Kanae.

*Students start to like coming to the office more because of how bubbly and friendly the new secretary is. The teachers start to talk to you more often and invite you to staff parties and outside work events.

*Was working outside your old job really this fun? You couldn't remember the last time you actually felt appreciated or just had someone WANT to talk to you.

*As part of your 'mission' you were supposed to get as close to the Ubuyashikis as possible to learn about all their little secrets. Again they already know but they're curious about what you'll do so they allow you to (not so discreetly) come around them and speak to them often.

*Kagaya thinks it's amusing watching you shyly peek into the doorway to his office with papers clutched into your hands and bashfully asking if you could come in. The way you so innocently look unsure of something or squeak out a question. It's adorable seeing your attempts.

Amane finds your sweet and bubbly personality is perfect for the job! Especially when she sees how much you love interacting with the students and always friendly towards her own children. When you shyly ask her for help with scheduling or ask where a certain file is, always puts a smile on her face.

How could someone like Muzan be engaged to someone so sweet?

*It's Amane that finally brings up the topic. She accidentally walks in to you crying as Muzan is yelling at you over the phone calling you names before hanging up and leaving you a sobbing mess she quickly comforts. Assuring you that it'd be alright and the three of you should have a long talk.

*You're surprised that they knew, but too tired and stressed out to care allowing the couple to hug and comfort you.

*Muzan shouldn't really be surprised when one day he attempts to contact you and finds himself blocked from all your socials. He's been in contact with you this entire time so what the hell is going on?! He gets Kokushibo and a few other employees to text/call you to tell you to quickly get in contact with him. But they all either get completely ignored or blocked too. He's frustrated more and more everyday that you don't contact him.

*Until one day you unblock him to text him ONE word before reblocking his number- "Goodbye."

*Muzan is confused, offended, and mostly pissed! Goodbye?! What the hell does she mean by goodbye?! Doesn't she know who she's dealing with?!

*Not too long after he gets a text message and photo from Kagaya and Amane. Annoyed he opens the message from his cousin and his wife only for a glass shattering noise to go off in his head, and his jaw drop to the floor-

*It's a photo of You in the middle looking beautiful and happy with Amane and Kagaya on either side of you showing off a beautiful New diamond ring on your ring finger-

Amane: "Thank you for introducing us to Y/n. She's such a a lovely woman. You'll be receiving your wedding invitation soon."

Kagaya: "No bitches?"

Kagaya: "You really need to reconsider your plans better if you want to stop looking like a fool."

Kagaya: "Btw have you met our fiance? lol"

*Muzan has to get a new phone after chucking his in rage. Poor Kokushibo literally has to hold him from behind and keep from storming into the academy to keep from making him making a fool of himself.

*He doesn't attend but as a polite gesture (a.k.a Kagaya rubbing it into Muzan's face), he is sent a final message in the form of y'all's wedding invite.

Tagging: @lavenderdrxp

#demon slayer #kagaya ubuyashiki x reader #demon slayer kagaya ubuyashiki #kagaya x reader #kagaya ubuyashiki #amane ubuyashiki #Amane Ubuyashiki x Reader #muzan x reader #muzan kibutsuji

[lungthief]

sorry but no allyship from any corporate friendly sexually ambiguous pop star will ever be as meaningful to me as whatever the fuck my chemical romance has going on. frank iero notesapp binder merch tweet. gerard way bloody suit motor oil short shorts wizard cloak clown costume. ray toro tenderly kissing his bandmates. mikey way designing gay porn merch. “i am not a lesbian in the classical sense” “people want something from you” no one is doing it like them no one will ever do it like them

#authenticity is such an overused word and it barely means anything anymore but. thats what it is to me #i think whats interesting abt mcr too is that like. theyve always been gnc and open abt all of that stuff #but theyre still just doing whatever they want!!! and its like gay. even though it isnt it is. because theyre mcr. yknow #yknow how i was like patd used to be Actually Gay and now theyre just Coroporate Pride Logo? mcr is like. the opposite of that #obviously they are astronomically better than patd in every single regard so the comparison isnt totally fair. but you get my point #mcr #shut up riley #when will gerard write more gender songs. i want them

[bitter-and-dumb]

Is this person actually problematic or am I just looking for signs to run away because of my fear of commitment and my dislike of people?

#i cant tell anything anymore its great #and leaving just because they make me unhappy isnt a good reason i want a good reason #actually bpd #actually borderline #mental illness #borderline personality disorder #bpd vent #favorite person #borderline personality traits #actually autistic #bpd #autistic adult #actually autism

[skunkes]

the way I've been raised has shown itself in a recent awful experience I had and the realization won't leave me because I'm not sure what to do about it.

I don't like feeling anger/upset and it's rare for me to feel it anyway but it's led to me being unable to tell what's worth getting upset over anymore. If my wants upset somebody, then, well, maybe I shouldn't have them? What is so serious that I need it to go completely my way...? What desires am I allowed to have. It's not that serious, it's okay if not, you can't always get what you want....

every time I feel Upset I am later wracked with guilt because it wasn't a big deal and I was just being selfish... What IS a big deal then? How can I tell? Its admittedly never a big deal... But I keep being upset. And stepped on....

#talkys #this is what led to me Staying for as long as i did #there would be issues but if I brought them up i wld then be made to feel guilty for feeling that way #but i cant reverse that bc well!! its true like is it really a big deal? life isnt that serious I dont need to get upset... #i get upset at something my parents do and in the end i feel ungrateful and selfish #i really cant tell anymore which is why i Stayed as mentioned above #in the sense of well yeah the way im being treated doesnt make me feel good but why do i need to feel good? #isnt that selfish...isnt that asking too much...isnt that making yourself out to be Better Than... #i really dont know. i get so ready to give up my position on anything because I dont want to be selfish #and because im no better than anyone else #my mom caused some drama on my birthday wrt my sister's family and it led to me not being able to go to the duck #pond on my birthday... which is the only thing i really wanted to do on an otherwise uneventful day #i was meant to feel shame abt it because well we can always go any other day!!! relax!!! #and it is true....! #we can go any other day why did i get upset? its not that serious...nothing is that serious...i feel so guilty + spoiled + selfish #i just felt humiliated for wanting to go in the first place. and for getting upset that we couldnt go. like a toddler. #*not that i actually get Toddler Level upset...but it always Feels like i did...ykwim #i just dont understand......idk if i can Repair this....

[greenvillainredemption]

This is how I envision a Bruno and Pacha interaction:

#their ruana/ponchos whatever aren’t exactly the same but it’s similar enough from a character design standpoint right. right #disney #encanto #once upon a studio #my words #also I HATE THE HANS FROZEN JOKES WE GET IT HES A VILLAIN WE HAVE DONE THE SAME JOKE LIKE THREE TIMES ALREADY #HE ISNT EVEN THE WORST VILLAIN LIKE. I GET IT THE BETRAYAL BUT ITS BEEN TEN YEARS I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE #btw this isn’t like. because I like helsa or whatever. I’m fine with them not being together in canon like idk how they’d even do that #If anything I’d actually want to see him interact with the other villains!!!

[wickershells]

txt

#i am actually the worst person alive every now and then the weight of all the guilt and grief and humiliation really hits me #i am not liked at all and i keep eroding all of my remaining relationships and i have fucked up my life beyond repair and i am #truly never getting out of this cycle no matter what meds i take at what dosage or if i talk out my feelings or if i keep them inside #or if i get therapy or if i dont if i have friends if i dont if my family likes me if they dont if my dog is alive or if hes dead its just #me theres something broken in me no matter how hard i believe and try and hope and pray i just wont get better i always end up here #i have consistently been the worst most absent friend i have ruined everything ive touched i feel contagious im contagious #i cant expect people to keep loving me and i definitely cant expect them to keep saying it over and over when it isnt true and they dont #want to and people dont even ask if im alright anymore they already know im not and just dont care because how could they #i dont get better it would just weigh on them all the time and how fair is that really i wish no one had ever met me i wish i wish #i betray all my promises to myself and others and im so stupid im so dumb and i just. theres nothing at all in here #i cant stand the loneliness anymore but i dont deserve anything else. do you see #and its my fault people no longer care its all my fault im so alone. i feel so alone. no one can know me and love me and they will all #be fine they have everyone they need they have everyone they want. i am no one at all not even to myself #theres an abyss where my personhood should be #i have to leave i have to get out of here

[robbyykeene]

Long rant about season 4, Johnny Lawrence, and the deterioration of the writing below so feel free to ignore this, but I just feel like I haven’t actually coherently expressed my main gripe with season 4 here.

In season 1 johnny is introduced and he’s racist, misogynistic, bullies kids based on their physical appearance, etc. etc. etc. And these are clearly his Bad Traits that are explicitly condemned by the narrative. When not portrayed as something that has explicit negative consequences (ie basically causing Hawk to go full incel), at the very least the story mocks and pokes fun at him for having such backwards ideals. And as the character grows through the story, so do his values. The show explicitly shows him moving past his racism in regards to Miguel, his sexism in regards to Aisha and then Tory. The story clearly articulates that these are all things Johnny learned from Kreese, and as he distances himself more from Kreese and his teachings, he learns and grows and leaves a lot of that ignorance behind.

And then season 4 comes along, and all of that just…goes away. And I don’t mean to say that Johnny necessarily regresses. But the way the narrative depicts him has completely changed. Johnny goes to Piper talking about how Karate can empower women, but it just turns into a joke about how he “learned feminism for this.” This is not meant to poke fun at Johnny, but to poke fun at feminism. The entire joke is as basic as “haha, of course Johnny’s not a feminist! Why would he be?” Later on, he makes a gendered statement to Sam and apologizes and corrects himself. But then the narrative literally undoes that by having Sam validate him! Tells him it’s fine, she understood what he meant and he didn’t need to change. Later this season we are even explicitly told that we should just accept Johnny as he is. Johnny’s ignorance has gone from being something explicitly condemned by the narrative to something they want us to love and accept him for.

And you know what? I don’t. Because Johnny Lawrence is not a real person. He’s a character in a story. I don’t have to accept the negative parts of him, because as an individual I don’t care about him at all. And that’s not to criticize him for being a flawed character, a flawed protagonist is fine—it’s great, actually! But when the show itself goes from criticizing those flaws to treating them as anything but, that’s where I take issue. Because I really don’t care about any of these characters as individuals. I care about the story that’s being told, a story I used to love about toxic masculinity and radicalization and cycles of abuse and how they all interplay with each other. A story that actually seemed like it was trying to say something important. But season 4 watered it all down so much to the point where I can’t even find a coherent central theme in the show anymore. At least not one the writers seem to have a solid stance on.

#so yeah theres a bunch of shit i didnt like season #but this is my main gripe bc it all ties back into this #the story has now decided it wants us to acfept johnny for who he is #and thats why characters felt so off and made decisions that seemed insane #because the central theme of the season may have been that johnny and daniel need to find a middle ground #but the actual narrative didnt even back up that perspective #whatever #this is why i wont watch season 5 #also you’re allowed to disagree w me obviously but this isnt smth i feel like debating bc these are just my thoughts and if you feel #differently thats fine but i dont care enough anymore to listen to other peoples perspectives on this #bc thats all ive been doing since s4 came out and ive really tried hard to see what some of yall are seeing #and i just dont see it #so lets agree to disagree and keep the commentary off this please #which is why im not tagging it as anything either #except #ck negativity #just to be safe #im just sick of getting messages everytime i post or rb smth critical of the show accusing me of hating johnny or daniel or robby or miguel #etc. etc. etc. #bc it literally isnt about that #I’m annoyed by all of those characters stroylines this season sure #but at the end of the day they’re characters. not people. i dont dislike the characters i dislike the writing #and how its all become so warped this season

[wp100]

god i miss my obsession with heroes of the storm. i had whole entire headcanons for all the blizz characters and their interactions existing in the nexus. they lived in my head rent-free

i fucking shipped raynor and diablo (Seriously, no joke lol)

#bro i would just ship anything #i still do ngl #actually. shipping is still kinda important to me #gets me through the rough patches sometimes #ramblings #I FORGOT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A DIABLO THIRST POST BUT ENDED UP TALKING ABOUT HOTS INSTEAD #I just miss this game #i played in strictly AI mode with AI teammates #then they ruined the ai teammates and made them so brainless so i stopped playing #and lost interest #grinding the skins and gold was a pain too. it's very slow with AI games #games in maintenance mode. it sucks because it is a fun game #blizz's core audience just isnt into the MOBA genre #if they wanted to play MOBA they'd play league. but they wouldnt because they like Blizz games #I liked HoTS. yeah sure it's a moba. but it's blizzard's take on one #and i like blizzard's characters #im attached to them... i cant get into new ones anymore it's hard #hots

[maddy-ferguson]

not saying i love you is a crazy fight to have at 14 when you think about it

#i mean i wouldn't know because i didn't date at 14. because no one wanted me not as a choice #i'm sure 14-year-olds actually have that fight. but it's like...very unserious #crazy: funny like it's a funny situation when you don't think about like...anything else about the show #i'm not even saying you can't be IN LOVE at 14 either it's just...but you don't love me anymore and then love declaration with such #severity...it's funny when you think about it #when i was 13 and she was 14 my friend dated a guy who was 15 (we were all in what would be freshman year in the us for us it's the last #year of middle school and then high school is 3 years) the girl was one of my bffs (the one who ghosted me in 2022 remember) and the guy #was also my friend very rare because i've had very few male friends in my life i'm kind of a religious fundamentalist that way. anyway #we talked on facebook like every night and he told me he was gonna buy her a ring for christmas or for her birthday i don't remember #(her birthday is in early january we had this conversation in late november) and i was like...this ring costs 120€ that's like a lot #then he didn't even have time to buy the ring because they broke up WAY before christmas it was very funny #like she broke up with him on a wednesday and the day before that he was like i can tell she's gonna break up with me i KNOW she is and i #was like whaaat she isnt...(i didn't know) he told me he had cried for THREE HOURS thinking about the fact that she was gonna break up with #him like CALM DOWN? #but like he was right ig. they dated for maybe 10 days and it's very possible that he had a new girlfriend by christmas so he was fine... #and like i say: brf slt

[rapidhighway]

i have to go get a pen

#NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I CANT DO IT I CANT DO IT I NEED TO ACTUALLY DO STUFF TOMORROW I CANT GIVE MYSELF ANY OTHER TASKS #nnndsffdnsfngffggee #listen ive been TRYING to do this stupid thing for over a week now i managed to sit down to it for like half a day a few days ago i did lik #half an hours work this is all i got man i cant do it AAAAAAAAA #it would be better if i just started but its so hard for some reason #i used up all my strength to do work i cant do it anymore i need to chill i need to laugh and have a good time #god i went to so many people with this and everyone says just force yourself sir i would have to force myself to force myself do you see ho #that would work?????? IT WOULDNT #idk man idkkkkk #some of this isnt even that hard to do i just have a mental block because the sole existence of this stupid assignment #brings up so much stress just from memory of it AAAUUUGHHHRRFDHFSDBGFGFDFGD #i just want to be free of this!!!!!!!!!! #but im literally finding anything to distract myself from thinking about it #dude theres no way ill be able to keep a job i will literally kill myself if they make me do anything i dont feel like doing #AAUURFHDSFDFS #this post evolved into something terrifying ok bye

[strwbrymlkshake]

Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(

#mine #oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times #but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry #like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie #im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc #i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me #thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related #anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that #ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired #// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always #because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life #like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing #me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little #so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die #every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt. #well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he #is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him #every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again #but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh #i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT #I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time #like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me #he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do #he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away

[dreadfuldevotee]

i am just...so profoundly tired of being me

#char.txt #there is something that is so revolting about me I am incapable of shaking the shame of it #Theres nothing i can do to make myself happy its just not possible i think i have to accept that #but im tired of pretending for other people its so stupid #everything feels fake even when im being honest i dont know who this person is anymore #its just stupid idk im thinking about too many things #my life feels like it exists for other peoples entertainment and if im not interesting im failing and im wasting peoples time and energy #but i can't be alone anymore I legitimately cannot be alone anymore ive tried so hard it only makes things worse #I need to feel wanted and maybe its something im missing thats keeping me from feeling that way #but I feel so deeply that when i stop being funny or when the person ppl actually want to talk to comes around ill stop being relevant #i dont exist to people when im not infront of them and...idk i have to be okay with that because im never anything more #and like this genuinely isnt a dig because there are people who I am friends with who have access to see this and I don't want you to feel #like its something youve done cause its not your fault its kind of not even about any of you or the ppl wholl never see this #Its something im missing its something about me and i dont deserve cruelty ik that #but i can't make anyone want me more than they do and thats alright #i just know that ill always be second fiddle at best and it just exausts me sometime #its be easier if I liked me but I wouldnt wish my presence upon anyone #but im selfish and i need the attention or ill actually self destruct so here we are this is my boulder

[tiktaaliker]

i have this thing where sometimes i see a smooth surface (cgi is specifically bad for this) and some part of my brain goes. hey wouldnt it be fucked up if that was Flawlessly and Perfectly Smooth. and i go yeah that would be fucked up and proceed to have an anxiety attack over the concept of a really really really flat rock face or some shit like that

#howling #and then the other people in my brain MAKE FUN OF ME FOR IT #i dont get it either!!!! #like part of my obsession with deep water stems from a reoccurring. uh #it wasnt a nightmare or anything because i would be awake it was like. a vision. or hallucination i guess but idk if it was one for real #but it was like. a glass of water but the glass was perfectly smooth and the water was perfectly flat and didn't ripple #so all the sides were SUPER smooth #and it doesnt SOUND fucked up but the actual image itself was the scariest goddamn thing imaginable #i dont See It anymore (it used to be if i even THOUGHT about it it would show up) #but sometimes ill see something and i get the Water Glass Terror (tm) again without the actual water glass #all this to say that i watched the first episode of that ashoka show today #and in like the second scene she cuts holes in the ground with a lightsaber and it fucked me up a little bit #anyways the only reason why im sharing it is because there really isnt a pattern #on what smooth surfaces do or do not trigger the Water Glass Terror #and even then any given thing only works once #like even with cgi sometimes itll hit REALLY hard and other times? nothing #idk man im just still feeling it a little bit and want to get some of this shit off my chest #catch me oversharing on the oversharing webbed sight <3

[seafoam-taide]

THE BEAST IS RISEN AHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAA

hi hi hi hello. hi. meet the most fucked up and evil thing ever.

ok so this is . and i dont know a whole lot about void deal yet but just know . is so immeasurably fucked up. inarguably the worst creature in my oc story to date. ze is just vibing and appears frankly pretty harmless but trust me on this. the horrors are real and . caused them ok. shortest most evilest thing on earth.

also i think this is the most i’ve ever shown of rosy ever. say hi to rosy too i guess lol

#my art #oc landfill #philophrosyne #oc . #dont mind rosy's weird fuckin outfit i still havent figured out exactly what to put her in #this is the oc that after making i realized was very much so inspired by tesla n popup btw #so the whole thing with philophrosyne is she has a very sad and angsty backstory etc etc and thats why shes evil #but now that . exists. it gets worse because . is the worst fucking influence possible #and the thing is . isnt even like. technically malicious. voi's like. a force of nature #also im bad at drawing horror so it isnt real yet but i PROMISE those layers are hiding some fucked up shit i promise #im so in love with Ø's design bcuz the whole thing is (despite having magic n shit) a very very human story #and i mean. just look at null next to rosy. that beast doesnt BELONG here. out of place. #i want the story to focus on emotional conflict and be genuinely pretty fucked up at times. and . is like. the antithesis of that. #which is what makes . such the perfect ultimate evil i think? #ze simply doesnt care. nu is simply vibing #anyway the point is nu never actually becomes some sort of final boss or anything. #voi is just. there. in the background. and upon further thought you realize just how fucking scary nu is. #how much ze could do that ze hasn't yet simply because ze hasn't felt like it. #void exist from the narrative will be simple and unobtrusive. nu simply leaves. this endeavor isnt enjoyable anymore. so they leave. #the fact that ze can choose to do this in the first place is just another aspect of zer that is so out of place here #i dont know if im getting this across very well. im just. i love . so much #ok. send post

[tokifanclub]

PSA

#this is NOT about any of my followers/mutuals #this is NOT about people who are talkinv to their friends less because they're actually tired/busy/depressed #this isnt even about perceived abandonment due to abandonment issues when really your friends still like you #this post is about a SPECIFIC trend #where someone will lie to you and say nothing has changed in yalls relationship when it is CLEAR theyve lost interest #ex: i once had a boyfriend who got really quiet and distant and when i asked what was up he would tell me nothing was up #nothing had changed and he still loved me #he broke up with me two weeks later. turned out her was cheating on me the whole time #ex 2: a good friend stopped talking to me almost entirely. i ask whats up. he said nothings up and we're still best friends #he had a girlfriend! and now that he had a girlfriend he didnt want to talk to me anymore #one day he just quietly stopped responding all together. without ever admitting anything was different or wrong #ex 3: all the friends i had in middle school that would swear up and down they wanted to hang out #before shooting down every single hang out plan i ever made until i just gave up #ex 4: the friends in middle school who BLOCKED ME without ever letting me know and would still hang out with me during school #ex 5: my friends boyfriend who all the sudden barely texted her ever and when she asked why he said he was busy or tired or depressed #and that he'd start texting her more #he never did #AND HE WAS CHEATING ON HER THE WHOLE TIME #ex 6: my friends girlfriend who used to text her all the time and all the sudden nothing #said she was just depressed #turns out she has a new girlfriend! #this post is NOT ABOUT people who are legitimately tired or busy or depressed!!!! #its about people who practice quiet quitting with friendships #to reiterate #IF YOU DO THIS YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE #and you need to be honest with the people in your life and stop wasting everyone's time