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melanielocke · 3 years

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Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 10

AO3

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Taglist: @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite

CW: Discussion of toxic relationship

Lucie was under the impression Alastair liked Thomas, but Lucies texts only made him more nervous. Even if Alastair smiled back, even if some things he said could hint at romantic feelings, Thomas had no clue how to make a move on people, much less Alastair. After dinner, they talked a bit more, about books, history, places they wished to travel. Alastair told him that he’d once read Machiavelli’s the Prince for comfort, but had since replaced it with Marx’ the Communist Manifesto. Thomas, who read mostly fiction, found it hard to imagine those books as something one read for comfort, but he promised he’d give the Communist Manifesto a try.

‘My ex recommended the Prince,’ Alastair explained. ‘In retrospect, the book suits him pretty well. It’s about power, manipulation, and he was all about that.’

‘As in, he manipulated you?’ Thomas asked.

‘He wants to get into politics, and I think he cares more about holding a position of power than about doing what’s best for the country. But he also manipulated me,’ Alastair said, showing no emotion. ‘He was very obsessed with his own social status and image, and would have done anything to improve that. I would not have reflected well on his image, so he kept me a secret and made me believe it was what was best for me.’

Thomas was certain he would be a better partner to Alastair than his exif they were in a relationship, but figured that was a pretty low bar. He didn’t know much about relationships, had never been in one, and wasn’t sure he knew how any of that worked, or how to be with someone with such a bad past experience. He didn’t want to hurt Alastair by accident. Perhaps his parents had some advice, but then he’d first have to tell them he liked boys. Which he planned to, but he had not yet figured out the right words, the right occasion.

‘How did you come out to your parents?’ he asked Alastair.

His parents were outside, they wouldn’t overhear. Thomas hoped they wouldn’t walk in out of a sudden, but if they did… Well, then at least they’d know and Thomas wouldn’t have to prepare a speech.

‘I only came out to my mother and aunt Risa,’ Alastair said. ‘Not to my father, nor do I care to.’

‘So, did you prepare a speech or anything?’ Thomas asked.

‘I did, because I suspected my mother and aunt Risa might not understand or know much about gay people, so I’ve mostly been educating them on various sexualities and gender identities. Risa actually discovered she is asexual and aromantic after I explained those concepts to her. Why do you ask?’

Thomas turned red, he laughed nervously. ‘I’ve been meaning to tell my parents I’m gay, but haven’t found the right time, or figured out how to tell them.’

‘You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. Do you want them to know?’ Alastair asked.

Thomas considered Alastair’s question for a moment. ‘Yes, I do. I think it would be easier if they knew and I would rather tell them before I am in a relationship instead of introducing a boyfriend. Since that would be awkward for him as well. Mainly, I just want them to know but I don’t want an awkward conversation.’

‘I think your problem is that you’re too determined to do it perfect,’ Alastair said. ‘Your parents seem very open and accepting, I don’t think you have to worry.’

‘No, I know that,’ Thomas said.

He felt stupid. Alastair must have had a much harder time telling people, he hadn’t known beforehand that his mother would be accepting. Thomas was fairly certain his parents would love him no matter what, and yet here he was complaining to Alastair about how difficult he found it to come out.

‘I know it can still be scary,’ Alastair said. ‘I was fairly certain Cordelia wouldn’t mind at all, yet I postponed telling her for a long time. Of course in my case it could have saved me a lot of misery, had I told her sooner.’

‘What do you mean?’ Thomas asked.

‘She realized almost immediately after I told her that my ex boyfriend was treating me badly, when I did not. It took her a couple of weeks to convince me, but I realized she was right and then I broke up with him.’ Alastair paused. ‘It’s nice to have someone to talk about it. For a long time, I had only him and he actively discouraged me from telling anyone else.’

‘I’m guessing he wasn’t out?’ Thomas asked. ‘He thought being gay would reflect badly on him as a politician?’

‘No, I don’t think that was the problem. He was private about his sexuality, but I think his friends and family knew. I don’t blame him for that, I understand it’s not always easy to talk about and there can be consequences when people know. But I think in his case, he didn’t want people to know about me because I was so much younger, he probably knew grooming a teenager would reflect badly on him. He always said it was because I wasn’t out that he wanted to keep our relationship a secret, that he wanted to protect me from judgement, but I doubt that was true. I never wanted to be someone’s secret.’

Thomas frowned. ‘Wait, how much younger were you?’

‘Six years. I met him when I was fourteen and entered a relationship with him at sixteen.’

Then Alastair’s ex must have been twenty two at the time? Thomas, at eighteen, considered sixteen year old boys children and had no romantic interest in them. He preferred to look at boys his own age, maybe a little older. Despite being a year ahead in his education, Alastair was only a couple of months older than him. He couldn’t imagine being interested in a teenager when he was in his early twenties.

‘I didn’t realize at the time that the age difference was a red flag,’ Alastair explained. ‘I felt very mature, to have caught the attention of someone older. He told me, over and over, that I was very mature for my age, that he couldn’t believe I was still so young.’

Thomas suspected most teenagers would be flattered to be called mature, to be taken seriously by an adult. It was a vile sort of manipulation, to seek out someone young and vulnerable and isolated, someone who would easily fall for such compliments, only to take advantage of them and treat them badly.

‘How did you tell Cordelia?’ Thomas asked.

‘She realized something was not right,’ Alastair said. ‘She realized I was sneaking out at night, that I was barely eating and losing weight because I was so nervous. She said I was “being even more difficult than usual, and that’s saying something”. So I told her not to worry about it and that I was just sneaking out to see my boyfriend. I said I’d wanted to tell her, but wasn’t sure yet if I was ready, and that he had recommended I don’t tell anyone yet. She started asking a lot of questions about my relationship. At first it was in a supportive way, what did he look like, what were his interests. She kind of freaked out when she learnt about the age gap, and the more she asked about how he treated me, the more concerned she became. She’s been very protective of me ever since.’

‘I’m so sorry. Not that it’s my fault, or there’s anything I could have done, but I’m just sorry. That it happened to you. I’m glad your sister is protective of you. As long as she’s not too protective, I mean,’ Thomas said. ‘I know from experience too much protection can be suffocating.’

A small smile appeared on Alastair’s face, and Thomas realized he so rarely did. He had a very pretty smile that lit up his dark eyes.

‘I found it confusing most of all. As the oldest sibling, I always thought it was my duty to protect her, not the other way around. But Cordelia is fierce, and I love that about her. This one time we ran into him while shopping, not long after the break up. He tried to approach me while Cordelia was getting us ice cream, and when she returned and saw him she threatened to expose him as an abuser and child groomer on all her social media channels if he didn’t back off.’

‘Isn’t what he did illegal anyway?’ Thomas asked. ‘Since you were a minor? Couldn’t you go to the police if he kept harassing you?’

‘Age of consent is sixteen, so even if he was much older it was legal for him to have sex with me,’ Alastair explained. ‘It would be illegal if he was my teacher or in any way in a position of power over me, but he was not. He must have been aware of how those laws work and I think perhaps he waited until I was sixteen so it would be legal.

Him harassing me might be enough to get a restraining order, but honestly I don’t trust the police to believe me over him. Besides, I have no intention of sharing something so personal with police officers. I expect them to not care at best and I think it is likely they will be racist and homophobic and will blame me for what happened.

Cordelia has enough followers on twitter and Instagram to get the story out if we wanted to and it’s a decent threat, but I’ve asked her not to.’

‘From what you’ve told me, he fully deserves to be exposed,’ Thomas said.

He was angry on Alastair’s behalf, and Thomas guessed Alastair was right that as an Iranian gay man he could not trust the police to help him.

‘It’s not so much about whether he deserves it or not. I’m still processing what happened, and I don’t want to be judged by strangers on the internet. I consented to everything sexual we did even if it was coerced, and not everyone will understand all the subtle manipulation involved. I know people will claim it was all my fault, and if I didn’t want it I should have just said no. Or that after breaking up I decided to ruin his life by telling lies. He has powerful friends, I do not. I admire the bravery of the people who expose rapists and abusers on the internet, but I can’t put myself through that right now.’

Thomas felt nauseous, the idea of Alastair being manipulated into having sex with a much older man was difficult for him to process. It made him angry, Alastair had given this man everything, had loved him. How could someone have taken advantage of such a beautiful and passionate man? People often accused Thomas of being too kind, too compassionate, of trying to empathize too much with people who did bad things, but he was fairly certain that if he ever encountered the person who did this to Alastair, he would feel nothing but anger and hatred towards him. And he’d make sure whoever it was would never hurt Alastair again.

He wanted to show support, he wanted to love Alastair, but wasn’t sure how. He knew it was a big step for him, to open up so much, he knew Alastair was very private and trusted him as much as he knew how to trust. Thomas was terrified of letting him down, of breaking his trust.

‘Did he at least back off after that threat?’ Thomas asked.

‘I haven’t seen him in real life again, but he has been texting me until I blocked his number. He is part of the reason I came here, something I needed to get away from. You have provided a decent distraction and I am grateful. I have never… had a friend like you.’

Thomas wasn’t sure how to feel about that statement. He liked being trusted, he loved that Alastair valued him, but at the same time he wanted to be more to him than just a friend. But Alastair needed a friend, Thomas told himself. And perhaps Alastair would fall in love with him over time, perhaps someday they could be together. If not, being his friend would still be worth it.

‘Now, would you want to play another game of ludo before I return to the Herondales? I am certain the dice will be on my side this time,’ Alastair said.

The dice were not on Alastair’s side. The difference in rolls were at the very least statistically improbable, but Thomas wasn’t great at math. He won by a landslide.

‘You’re older than me,’ Thomas offered as an explanation.

Alastair frowned. ‘Only by a few months, and what does that have to do with anything?’

‘I have a theory that dice games like this one favor the young,’ Thomas explained. ‘I used to play this game with my sisters and I always did better. Of course, Barbara would usually let me win with games, but that’s difficult with a game like this. But most of my friends are younger than me, and with Lucie I don’t have nearly this amount of luck. And when I played with my younger cousin Alexander, my rolls are as pathetic as yours. Of course, that’s for the best because he’s three and he throws the game across the room when he loses.’

‘Nothing you just said makes sense,’ Alastair pointed out. ‘The dice can’t tell how old you are.’

‘Perhaps there’s a little spirit in there,’ Thomas said with a smile. ‘Something that realizes if little Alexander loses, painful things will happen to it. It probably dreads the day Alexander will play against children his age.’

Thomas guessed that might not be the best idea, at that age all children were sore losers. Most three year olds didn’t play together yet anyway, it was more parallel play what they did. Alastair left after losing another game, and at the end Thomas might have convinced him of his theory.

‘I’ll meet you here after breakfast for another walk,’ Alastair said with a small smile that made Thomas’ heart race. He hoped he wasn’t showing that. Would Alastair suspect Thomas liked him, now that he knew Thomas was gay? He wasn’t sure if he wanted Alastair to. If Alastair returned his feelings, sure. But if not, what if Alastair would retreat in his shell again, what if he didn’t want to be his friend anymore?

‘See you tomorrow,’ Thomas said. ‘Good night.’

Thomas didn’t sleep well that night. He dreamt of a castle, surrounded by dark forest. He didn’t know where he was, or what was happening. On a surface level, it didn’t even seem so scary but a voice inside Thomas was telling him to run as fast as he could to get away from there, yet he couldn’t move. He wasn’t sure what he was running from exactly, but he woke up drenched in sweat at six in the morning. He didn’t feel rested exactly, but didn’t think he’d fall asleep again, so instead he changed the sheets on his bed and took a quick shower before putting on some clothes.

It would probably be some time until Alastair showed up, so Thomas made breakfast, and took his time to eat before settling in the garden. Gnomes were early risers, and Thomas liked watching them run around. Here they weren’t used to being seen though, and any indication that Thomas did see resulted in them running away and hiding, peeking out of the bushes on occasion to see if he was still there. Thomas put out a plate of cookies, perhaps they would become more trusting to humans who could see them overtime.

He sat there, reading a book Lucie had given him a while back. Ever since Thomas had told her he liked boys, Lucie had recommended books about queer men and right now he was reading Winter’s Orbit, a science fiction story about two men in an arranged political marriage. The amount of miscommunication and hopeless pining was almost painful to read, but also enjoyable. Thomas guessed he wasn’t much better, he still had no idea how to tell Alastair how he felt. Hopefully, he could finish the book before dying, he desperately wanted to know if these two could figure out their feelings for each other before it was too late.

‘What are you reading?’

Thomas looked up to see Alastair, dressed in a black Metallica t shirt and black jeans. He summarized the book he was reading.

‘It was a gift from Lucie,’ he said.

‘It sounds interesting,’ Alastair said. ‘I like books with some political drama. Can I borrow it when you finish?’

‘Sure. And in case I don’t get to finish it, I’ll write you into my will and leave you this book.’

Alastair groaned. ‘Please do not make jokes about you dying.’

Thomas sometimes felt like making jokes about it was the only way to cope. In reality, the idea that he was very likely to die was terrifying, even if the people around him kept assuring him he was going to be fine.

‘Sorry. I hope you’ll like this book. Although… one of the main characters was abused by a previous partner. Would that be an issue?’

Alastair tilted his head. ‘I think then maybe I should wait until I read it. That’s difficult with reading fiction, not all authors offer content warnings and going in unprepared can be devastating. When I know it’s coming… It’s easier, but I’m not sure if I want to do that right now solely to read a book.’

Thomas nodded. ‘I can imagine. If you want any books that don’t have topics that are triggering for you, I’ll try and see if I have anything. Or you can ask Lucie.’

‘I’ll think about it. Being able to read fiction while being prepared through content warnings is something I’m trying to work towards. No idea how long that will take, according to my therapist I’m too impatient. You coming? This early, there might still be some hedgehogs,’ Alastair said with a grin.

‘You really like hedgehogs,’ Thomas pointed out.

‘When I was a child I wanted one for a pet, but my parents didn’t think that was a good idea. Instead, I could have a goldfish. They’re very popular in Iran, people get them for the Persian new year celebration, Nowruz. People usually release them into a river or pond after the celebration, so that’s what Risa did. My parents weren’t too happy about it. At the time, I believed he would probably be happier there anyway than in a bowl, but it is likely he died within days. I don’t think it’s good for the environment either, and many Iranians are pushing back against the tradition because of that. Did you have pets growing up?’

‘Most of my childhood, because I was so sick, my parents didn’t think it was a good idea. They were afraid a pet might carry diseases I would be more vulnerable to,’ Thomas said. ‘But I hope I can adopt cats someday. And Barbara and Oliver have two guinea pigs.’

‘My cousin Jem has a cat,’ Alastair said. ‘Little beast hates everyone, but adores Jem.’

‘Do you see him often?’ Thomas asked. ‘Jem, I mean.’

‘Not really. My father never wanted him near our family, I think because he was afraid Jem would see right through him. But now that we don’t live with Father anymore, I see him occasionally. He offered me to come live with him, but I’m not sure. I still feel like I barely know him.’

They didn’t find any hedgehogs during their walk, presumably because the fog had gotten so thick they wouldn’t see any if they were there. Although Thomas was fairly certain they were taking the same route they had yesterday and during their first walk, everything looked different. He told himself it was probably the fog, but he couldn’t quite convince himself.

‘I don’t remember these ruins,’ Alastair said.

Thomas’ followed Alastair’s gaze and saw the ruins of a very old building. Of course, there were lots of old castles in Scotland, but Thomas hadn’t read anything about ruins in these woods.

‘Do you think we should take a look?’ he asked carefully. ‘I’m not seeing anything unusual.’

‘Apart from ruins that weren’t here yesterday?’

‘We must have taken a different path,’ Thomas said.

‘Sure,’ Alastair said and Thomas didn’t think he believed it. ‘Under normal circumstances, I would not take another step, but if we are to save your life we need information. Perhaps those ruins hold something of interest.’

#Thomas Lightwood #Alastair Carstairs #Cordelia Carstairs #Lucie Herondale #Thomastair #Lucelia #fic #fanfiction #the last hours #tlh

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oliviastan17 · 4 years

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Just a dream (3/7)

Length: 2k (ish)

Warnings: 18+, language, fluff, smut, more fluff, adorable gifs

Read parts 1 & 2 if you don’t know how these two got together. This starts off the next day after Part 2. It’s not my best work… I love reading your comments! Reblog if you want to. DO NOT POST ON ANY OTHER WEBSITE! I don’t own any of the gif’s.

You and Sebastian had a long talk the next day about how exactly you were going to make this work. After talking you came to an agreement. When the shoot was over in about 2 months, whoever was able to travel to the other’s state would do so. You agreed to do this for as long as it continued to work and made sense.

You were about to survive being apart for the first time because he was going back to New York for Christmas to be with his mom. He wanted to bring you with him but you really didn’t want to miss Christmas with your niece and nephew. Also, the thought of meeting his mom terrified you but you didn’t tell him that.

You were apart for the next 5 days. It was only 5 days. No big deal right?

Wrong. You missed him. Talking on the phone wasn’t enough. You couldn’t wait until he got back.

He got back in town super early this morning. It was the first day back on set after the holiday and you had an early call time so you hadn’t seen him yet. You were dreading going to work. You felt more than a little embarrassed about the scene your ex caused at the party. While only a few people witnessed everything you knew that it wouldn’t take long for everyone to know what happened.

If anyone on set didn’t know you were dating Sebastian, they did now thanks to your ex’s outburst. Sets can be like high school with everyone spreading rumors. Sebastian had the day off so you were forced to deal with the situation alone.

A few of your co-workers came barging into the prop room to interrogate you.

“Have you been together this whole time?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“He must look great naked!”

“Please tell me you have had sex with him while he’s wearing the arm. That would be amazing!”

“No. None of your business. You have no idea. You need to stop thinking about that,” you said answering all their questions. “Can we drop this now?”

Throughout the day they would come up with several more questions and would run up to you to ask. At the end of the day you practically ran to your car to avoid any more questions.

Once home you changed into some comfy clothes and poured a glass of wine. Turning on your TV you settled on your couch and waited for Sebastian. You heard a knock soon after.

As you opened the door you saw him standing there with a bag of Chinese food. You barely got out a “Hi,” before he dropped the bag and pretty much attacked your mouth with his.

“Hi,” he said as he picked you up, threw you over his shoulder and carried you to your bedroom. Throwing you on your bed he wasted no time ripping his shirt off and then taking your shorts off while you removed your shirt.

He took in the sight of you completely naked as he crawled on top of you and then was kissing your neck so softly he had you craving more. He left a trail of kisses as he moved down your body until his head was between your legs. He went from kissing your inner thighs to then focusing on drawing circles around your clit with his tongue. It did not take long for that explosive feeling to come over you. How could he possibly know my body better than I do?

Pleased with his work he brought his face up to yours as your hands got to work undoing his belt. He kissed you deeply while your toes helped him slide his pants off. He moaned (my god, you love that sound) as he slid into you while you hooked your legs around his waist. He executed the perfect Chinese fire drill switching the position so you were on top. As you rolled your hips on top of him he brought his hand up and massaged your clit with his thumb causing you gasp at the sudden waves of pleasure taking over your body. He almost came just watching you on top of him. A few movements of your hips later he felt you tighten around him. You needed to place your hands on his chest for stability as you leaned forward in satisfaction. Once you rode out your orgasm and recovered Sebastian flipped you over so that he was on top of you again and began thrusting deep in you giving you all that had. He didn’t last very long.

With your bodies still connected he kissed you softly.

“Fuck, I missed you,” he said.

You replied with, “I’m starving.”

Scoffing at your comment he buried his head against your neck and you couldn’t hold back the laughter.

“I missed you, too,” you said and softly kissed his lips. “But I really am starving.”

With one more kiss he rolled off of you and helped you sit up. You put on some underwear and an oversized shirt while he got dressed and went out to your living room. He picked up the bag of food and brought it over while you started your show over.

“What are you watching?”

“Supernatural. Have you seen it?” you asked while you situated yourself on the couch with your legs on his lap.

“I don’t think so.”

“You’re missing out.”

“This coming from the girl who hasn’t seen Game of Thrones.”

“I don’t have HBO,” you shrugged.

As the show started he said, “Oh wait, I think I was at a convention with those guys in Italy.” He casually took a bite and then added, “I’m going back in May I think.”

You just stared at him with your mouth open. Frozen.

“What?” he asked looking confused.

“Can I come? Actually, forget the question. I’m coming with you.”

“Okay,” he laughed. He loved the fact that you were making plans for something 5 months in the future.

“I would like to apologize in advance for embarrassing you. I’ll make it up to you somehow.”

He looked at you, raised his eyebrows and did that thing where he licked his lips and smiled.

“Oh god, I take that back,” you said seeing the expression on his face.

“No no no! You already said it! Too late!”

“You’re going to milk this all the way until May aren’t you?”

“Probably, yeah,” he said as he watched you try (and fail) to use chopsticks.

“Fuck this. I’m getting a fork,” you said while laughing at yourself. While walking back from the kitchen you tripped over your own feet and he burst out laughing. He couldn’t help it. The “Oh shit” you said mid-fall was too adorable.

“Oh my God, are you okay?” he asked while getting up and walking over to you.

It was in that moment that he knew he loved you. You were mesmerizing. There you were sitting on the ground in an old t shirt laughing at how you just fell on your ass. You had tears forming from the laughter as you let out an unintended snort. Your laughter was hypnotizing.

He helped you up and just gazed into your eyes. He couldn’t stop himself from kissing you mid-laugh.

******************************************************************************************

The next 2 months were perfect. Work was going smoothly and you and Sebastian had found a perfect rhythm in your relationship. Being together came easy. Everything was going great. You even managed to get some more embarrassing photos of Chris during the wrap party for the show.

You had a couple of weeks before you started working with Chris on his new project. Sebastian needed to go back to New York for some meetings and this time you were going with him. You had never been to New York before.

“This is it?” you asked as you walked into his apartment.

He laughed at your reaction. “Not as big as you are used to huh?”

“That’s an understatement! How much is your rent?”

“$5,000/month.” He said it like it was no big deal while you almost choked on your coffee.

“I pay $2500/month…for my house…3 bedrooms!”

He looked at your shocked expression and just laughed.

You spent the day walking around the city. You went to Central Park, ate pizza and had some drinks at a rooftop bar that had the most amazing view.

The next day his meeting was very early.

“Babe, I’m leaving.” He leaned to kiss your cheek and all he got was a grunt in response. You were not a morning person.

Your phone woke you up an hour later. You saw it was your mom and answered.

“Mom, can I call you back when I’m more awake?”

“Honey, why did Mary just text me a picture of you walking around New York with a mystery man?”

“What?”

“You know, Mary? You used to be best friends with her daughter Emily?”

“Yes, I know who Mary is Mom. I was asking about the pictures.”

“Well there’s one of you holding hands, one where he has his arm around you and one where you two are laughing at something.Who is he?”

You filled her in on how you met, how long you have been together and what you are doing in New York.

“So is it serious?” she asked.

“I don’t know Mom. We’re still trying to figure all that out.”

“Oh, he’s so handsome Y/n! You two would make beautiful babies!”

“And that’s my cue to hang up. Bye Mom.”

“Bye honey.”

—

Sebastian got home a few hours later. He took you to lunch and then you walked around the city some more and did some shopping. Back at Sebastian’s apartment now you were having a lazy evening in curled up on the couch watching some movie when your phone rang.

“Hey Mom.”

“Oh Y/n honey. I can NEVER meet your boyfriend!”

“Um…you want to elaborate on that?”

“Well I googled him cause, you know, I was curious. There was a list of movies he had done and I looked at the descriptions and I thought ‘well I like gymnastics so I’ll watch this one’. And oh that was a mistake!”

“Why?”

“I have seen more of your boyfriend than I ever cared to!”

“What did you watch?”

“It’s called The Bronze. Have you seen it?”

“Seb, do you have a copy of The Bronze?” you asked him.

He looked at you with puzzled look mixed with a tiny bit of panic.

“Mom, I’ll call you back,” you said as you hung up the phone. “So my Mom just watched The Bronze. Would you like to tell me why she is freaking out?” you asked with a humorous expression.

He dropped his face into his hands.

“Oh my god, I can never meet your mom now.”

“Awww…you want to meet my mom? That’s so sweet!” you teased.

“Well, I don’t want to anymore!”

“Okay I need to look up this movie. See what all the fuss is about,” you said picking up your phone. He grabbed it out of your hand. He got up from the couch holding your phone up in the air and out of your reach.

“I have ways of getting what I want, you know,” you said as you were walking towards him.

“I’m well aware of your talents.”

You stood in front of him and brought your hands up to lightly scratch the back of his neck. You knew he loved that.

“No, that’s not going to work,” he said closing his eyes.

You began to slowly kiss from his ear down to his collarbone on one side and then from his collarbone up to his ear on the other side. He took in an unsteady breath and you smiled. You planted kisses on his cheek moving closer to his lips. You lightly pressed your lips onto his and he couldn’t help but kiss you back. When you took his bottom lip between your teeth he lost all control. He threw your phone on the couch and wrapped his arms around you. You smiled against his lips as he walked you over to the bed where both you forgot about what you were trying to look up on your phone.

Next Chapter

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@stangirl-fangirl264

@sideeffectsofyou

@allsortsofinterests

@superhero-missouri

#sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x you #sebastian stan imagine #fluff #smut #sebastian stan fanfiction #sebastian stan smut #sebastian stan fluff

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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631

General Randomness What's the weather like right now? It’s very bright and sunny out, but January is typically one of the colder days of the year so I’m not feeling uncomfortable right now. It’s the perfectly chilly temperature I would have liked to have all year long. What are you currently sitting on? I am sitting on a chair at our dining table, which is usually where I take surveys. How many times have you brushed your teeth today? Just once.

When did you get up? I’ve been up since 8, but didn’t get out of bed until 10.

Have you been in a vehicle for more than 45 minutes today? I haven’t been in a car at all today cos I’ve only stayed home. Angela invited me to go out for some drinks but I didn’t feel like drinking or being out today, so I’ve been home the whole time.

Where is your best friend? I think Angela is at home but I’m sure she’s getting ready to go out for the aforementioned ^ drinking. I’m not sure where Gab is. How many days until Christmas? Oh wow, barely missed it, chief. There are 355ish days left, I’m guessing? Have you kissed someone today? Nope. Is your mom over 50? No, and she still has a year to go. How old were you 7 years ago? I was technically 14, but was about to turn 15 in a few months. Do you know what 'C'est la vie' means? Yep. In Gen Z lingo, it essentially means, ‘it be like that sometimes’ lmao. Do you usually take showers or baths? Showers, because we don’t have bathtubs and also because I find it much more efficient anyway. I only take baths when I’m out of town, in a fancy hotel, and want to pamper myself with bubbles and fancy body wash. What kind of bottoms are you wearing right now? I’m wearing shorts just meant for the home.

Are you wearing anything red? Yes, the pair of shorts I just talked about. What was the name of your first pet? I didn’t keep track of my first goldfish’s name but a good guess would be Goldie. I wasn’t a very creative kid, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that turned out to be right. Do you live in an apartment? Nope. I’ve been living with my parents under their roof. What color is the floor in the room you're in? Cream-ish. What was the most irritating thing to happen to you today? My thesis professor being a headache to talk to. I am genuinely baffled at how she was able to secure a very high position in my university’s administration, considering how erratic she can get. How do you feel about your most recent ex? She’s great. Do you wish at 11:11? No. Do you wish on shooting stars? I would, if they often visited on this side of the world. But they don’t, so. Do you wish on dandelions? No. There aren’t a lot where I live. Are you drinking anything right now? Mmm no, not at the moment. I finished my coffee a little while ago and while I want to make a second cup to keep myself awake, I have an early morning tomorrow so I’d want to sleep early tonight. It’s back to work for me, ugh. About how tall is your father? Not too tall. He’s like, 5′5 or 5′6. How old is your oldest living grandparent? I only know the age of one grandparent, and that’s my 73 year old maternal grandmother. I don’t get to see my paternal grandparents a lot cos they live quite far, so with that comes my insufficient knowledge about them. Do you know anyone who has lived to be 100+? Gab’s great-grandmother, but she passed away last November. Have you had your birthday yet this year? Nope. There’s been a mere three days into the year, so very few people would already have had their birthdays hahaha. Do you read your horoscope on a regular basis? No. You do you, but I was never a fan. It’s also a pet peeve when people use their star sign as excuses for their shitty behavior. “Sorry I acted up, I’m a Scorpio,” “I hate everybody because I’m an Aquarius,” “I ghosted them because I’m a Cancer” no it’s because you’re a bitch, Karen. Do you like the color yellow? I hate it a bit less than green (my least favorite color) only because I love the song Yellow by Coldplay and because mustard yellow isn’t that bad of a color. Are you an aunt or uncle? If my friends start having kids soon, then I’ll be an aunt. Why is your best friend your best friend? They both understand my weirdness and all my quirks and never made me feel like I was being judged. What is your hair like at the moment? Tbh it matches my top pretty well so as frizzy as my hair is at the moment, it still looks good with the tank top I have on lolol. How many times have you donated blood this year? Zero. I’m scared of needles, and even if I get over that phobia I wouldn’t be able to donate anyway because I’m underweight. Are you wearing any jewelry? No, not right now. Are you a video-gamer? I wouldn’t call myself that. I play GTA just to be a law-abiding citizen and not actually do the missions lol, I get tired of playing The Sims after ten minutes, and I only play a handful of Nintendo games. Who got married at the last wedding you went to? My mom’s brother and his then-fiancee, now one of my favorite aunts except for the facts that she’s a hardcore Duterte supporter and Marcos apologist. Do you like Chinese food? Yep, it’s one of my favorite cuisines. How far is the nearest Walmart? I can’t walk nor drive to it, that’s for sure. Have you ever been a designated driver? I’m always DD by default because I’m the only one among my friends who has a car other than JM, who also has a (much bigger) car but is terribly low-tolerance and will absolutely pass out. I get tipsy easily as well, but I sober up real quick and always make sure I’m 100% back to reality by the time I drive. Which means that I typically have to stop drinking earlier than the rest of my friends, but so long as that means I get to take everyone back home safe, it’s okay with me. What is something that always brings tears to your eyes? My mom yelling at me. Who is your 20th phone contact? My contacts aren’t numbered thus I’m too lazy to count manually. Do you have any plans to get a tattoo? It’s not completely off the table, but I’ve definitely toned down my original plans of getting tattoo sleeves and getting myself generally covered a la CM Punk (and I have to tell ya, I’m so glad I grew out of that phase). These days I prefer to have small tattoos to memorialize significant people or events, and some of my plans include my dog’s pawprint and a plate of nachos. Or a new piercing? Probably not. What would your name be if your last name was the color of your shirt? Brown. If you could find out how you would die, would you want to know? Yes. I hate the unknown and would rather be certain, no matter how ugly or nasty the certainty holds. Do you make your bed regularly? Every morning. Do you look forward to the weekend? NO. I have a 2-day meeting for my 2-day weekend. I am so dreading it. I just want to stay a lazy couch blob for another week. How much do you know about the mechanics of cars? I know how to turn a car on, go forward, reverse, brake, and open my gas tank... and that’s about it. Has anyone ever told you you should be a model? Model and beauty queen, yeah. How old was your mom when she had you? She was 26, but was turning 27 that year. Do rainy days get you down? No. I thrive on rainy days lmao. Who is the artist/band you're listening to at the moment? No music keeping me company at the moment. Do you ever take aspirin when you 'feel a headache coming on'? Not aspirin but I take a Biogesic. I dunno if those two or the same thing or not. Is there a calendar in the room you're in? Nope. Do you prefer to be in a relationship or be single? I’ve been seeing a person for technically six years, so now I prefer a relationship after being accustomed to having one for so long. If you're single, do you wish you were in a relationship? Have you ever had your heart broken? Sure. Do you live within an hour of the beach? No. I’m very far away from the beach :( How do you like your steak? Rare or medium-rare. Were you born in the 1980s? I was not. A Few Firsts What was the first sound you heard when you woke up? I woke up to the sound of my mom calling me on my phone. I was half-asleep and didn’t feel like answering, so I muted it and went back to sleep. I feel guilty now that I remember, but she didn’t call back or text me so it probably wasn’t a big deal. Who was your first best friend? It was a girl named Kaye from kinder. We were good friends for like two years, and then we got sorted to different sections in Prep and drifted apart after that. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? I’ve said her name so many times on these surveys already. Y’all know. Who was your first date to a formal dance? I haaaateeeeed the idea of asking guys out and being in a relationship for most of high school, so I made sure I only asked my cousin for my prom. How bad was your first break up? Pretty messed up. There was a lot of tension and resentment and confusion in the beginning. Throw in my grandfather’s sudden death and me taking the UPCAT, and you have my mental health completely rattled! What was your first favorite movie? High School Musical, for sure. How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16. What was your first trip to the emergency room for? My platelet count was really low, I was in danger of getting dengue, and had to stay the night at the hospital. Then there was sticking the IV onto my wrist, upon which I made a complete scene in the emergency room and thrashed and kicked around while my (very frail) grandma (sorry, Lola) tried to hold me down with a lot of patients watching lol. Where was the first place you went today? The kitchen. Who was the first person you saw? My sister, I think. What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up? I wondered why my mom called, realized I was too sleepy to care, and went back to bed. Do you remember the first time you spent the night away from home? Yupppp. I was in third grade, my club had an overnight camping thingy as its culmination activity, and it was the first time ever that I was allowed to spend the night somewhere else. I remember being around a campfire, roasting marshmallows for the first time, having to share a sleeping mat with Katreen, and her kicking me in her sleep.

Where was your first big vacation to? Boracay. What was your first job? None yet. I’ll make sure to update you by the end of the year. What was the first thing you had to drink today? Coffee.

Some Lasts Where was the location of your last kiss? My girlfriend’s car, when she dropped me back at my place. How old was the last person you kissed? 21. What was the last movie you rented? I’ve never experienced renting a movie, which definitely confirms my status as a Gen Z kid lmao. But I can tell you that the last movie I watched was Knives Out. Where was the last place you went? Other than around my house, we went to church last Tuesday night for New Year’s Eve mass. What was the last restaurant you went to? Yabu. Who was the last person to call you? My mom, this morning. Who was the last non-relative you spoke in person to? Gabie. What was the last thing you bought? I got dinner from Yabu, haha. When was the last time you drove more than an hour somewhere? December 14th. That evening was INSANE. It was Saturday + Christmas traffic, and it took me two hours to travel from Antipolo to Rita’s place in Makati. JM and I drove separately cos we were a big group - his drive took FOUR hours. Why did you last get angry? My thesis prof was doing us so fucking dirty and I couldn’t do anything about it. What color was the last vehicle you rode in? Blue-green. How long ago was your last birthday? NIne months. When did it last rain? It drizzled a little bit yesterday. What was the age difference between you and your most recent ex? A month and a half. When was the last time you used a dictionary? Maybe an hour ago for a word I used in a past survey lol. Mini iPod Shuffle: Don't Cheat, Use Whatever Song Comes Up, No Matter How Ridiculous (I have several playlists, so I’ll just use the Spotify-curated playlist made for Gab’s account called Your Top Songs 2019 hahahaha) My love song: Love song - Lana Del Rey (Wow.) My fight song: Swim Against the Tide - The Japanese House My break-up song: New Light - John Mayer The song for when I'm sad: Money - Leikeli47 The song for when I'm angry: Constant Conversations - Passion Pit My song to have sex to: Bad Girls - Tennis The song about my ex: Just the Same But Brand New - St. Vincent The song about my best friend: Juice - LIZZO The song about my crush: Seventeen - no rome My 'feel good' song: Venice Bitch - Lana Del Rey The theme song of my life: Formation - Beyoncé I literally know four of these songs, which I’ve since bolded just so y’all know that I have no idea what the other seven songs are and if they make sense with the situations at hand. Gab clearly uses her account more than I do, which should be the case anyway lmfaoooooo.

#survey #surveys

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currentlyfangirrling · 6 years

Text

Taxi pt. 3 ( Sebastian Stan x Reader

Plot: a young girl gets into an occupied taxi...

Warnings: none

When I woke this morning, my head was throbbing from last night.

As I sat up slowly, I thought about last night. I laughed to myself as I almost let myself believe that I hung out with Sebastian Stan. “That’s funny,” I said as I convinced myself that I only dreamt that.

I leaned over to my bedside table and checked my phone to see that it was 8:32 am and that Claire had called me 20 minutes ago.

I put my phone up to my ear as I called her back. Claire answered, “Hey! Sorry I didn’t mean to call you, but I’m on my way back to the hotel.” Her voice was too high of a pitch for me to handle as I stretched the phone away from my ear. “Ok. I will just be here. See you in a few,” I told her.

After I hung up, the sound of water running caught my attention. I just assumed it was from next door. I rubbed my eyes and ran my hands over my face to wake myself up. I let out a loud yawn as I had my morning stretch.

As I stood up and walked to the bathroom to take a shower, the door was closed. I shook the doorknob as I tried to open it, but it was locked.

“One second,” I heard someone say from behind the door. What the fuck?

I assumed I was just hearing things so I decided I should go back to sleep. Just as I was turning around, the bathroom door opened and revealed Sebastian standing there with a towel wrapped around his waist showing off his bare chest.

I shook my head as I tried to collect my thoughts, “Wait, so...this actually...no...what?!”

Sebastian laughed at my confusion, “Good morning.” He smiled as I just stood in front of him confused as ever. “I’m sorry. Is it ok if I took a shower? I didn’t know-“

“No, it’s ok. I just thought that ‘this’ didn’t actually happen last night.”

“Oh, should I leave? I was going to, but there are a ton of people with cameras downstairs and I wanted to wait,” Sebastian turned back around to gather his things.

“You don’t have to leave! I mean, unless you want to,” I said, stopping him from leaving.

“I don’t want to overstay my welcome. I mean you probably don’t remember last night. Do you?” He questioned as he ran his hands threw his wet hair.

“Not completely, but I’m happy that the things I do remember were real,” I smiled as I looked up and down his figure.

“What things do you remember?”

“Well, right now my head is throbbing a ton and I was hoping to take a shower before I went over everything,” I explained.

“Ok. I’ll get out of here so you can shower, but can I borrow your phone charger? Mines dead.” He said, holding up his phone with a sad face.

“Of course! It’s next to my bed,” I said, pointing to the white cord peaking out of my night stand. Sebastian walked out, holding his clothes in his hands.

I stepped into the shower and instantly felt better than I did when I woke up. After a few minutes of shampooing and conditioning, I heard Claire walk in. Shit.

I immediately turned off the shower, grabbed a towel to wrap my body with, and walked out to see Claire talking to Sebastian.

Claire turned around to face me with her mouth wide open and enunciated “Oh. My. God.”

“Sebastian, this is my friend Claire. Claire, this is Sebastian,” I introduced them to each other.

“Yeah, best friends since High School,” Claire said, enthusiastically.

“Right,” Sebastian smiled at Claire and stood up from the bed. “Well, (Y/N) I just got a call from my manager and I have to be somewhere,” he explained, putting his phone in his back pocket walking towards you slowly.

“Oh ok. Well, thanks for everything. I’ll let you out,” I said as Sebastian walked with me to the door, I shifted my gaze to Claire and widened my eyes at her.

One step out the door and he turned around. “Before I go, I’m gonna need your phone number so that I can possibly take you sightseeing,” he whispered trying to keep our conversation private. I rolled my eyes with a smile on my face, “Ok!” He handed me his phone so I could type in my number.

Right as I thought he was going to leave he dialed the number. I looked at him with a confused facial expression and then at my phone to answer it. “Just making sure you didn’t give me a fake number,” he winked turning around walking towards to elevator.

When I came back into the room Claire was sitting with her legs and arms crossed with a smirk on her face. “Well,” she spoke. “Are you going to tell me what happened or will I have to guess?”

I rolled my eyes at her and walked back into the bathroom to dry my hair. “Excuse me, I deserve a very detailed story of how you and him met,” Claire shouted, following me into the bathroom.

I pulled out the hairdryer and plugged it into the outlet while Claire impatiently waited for me to tell her what happened.

“Well, my night is a bit blurry,” I stared, before turning on the hairdryer. With that being said, Claire walked up to me and pulled the hairdryer out of the wall. “Hey!” I said, dropping the hairdryer to my side.

She was determined to hear what I had to say, “Spill the beans!”

After I told her what happened, she started jumping up and down while shouted, “oh my god! oh my god! OH MY GOD!”

I rolled my eyes at her as ran out of the room still shouting. “Would you stop! There are other people staying here,” I told her. Once she stopped I plugged the hairdryer back into the outlet.

Once I was done I walked back into the bedroom to find Claire on the phone with Sarah telling her all about what happened. She then put Sarah on speaker, “WHAT THE HELL?! (Y/N) you better bring him as your date to the wedding!!”

“I’m pretty sure he has better things to do than hangout with me at my friends wedding,” I told her.

“You still need a date since Daniel and you split. Plus, I want to meet him,” Sarah explained.

Daniel was my ex-boyfriend who I had dated for about a year. Everyone thought we would get married. Even I did at one point, but things changed and he cheated on me. No one knows that he cheated on me though. I thought I shouldn’t tell people since all my friends were still friends with him after.

“I don’t ‘need’ a date and if he wants to hangout again then you will meet him, but until then let’s not tell anyone else about this. I don’t want to get my hopes up or anything.”

I could sense that Sarah was rolling her eyes at my response, “You do ‘need’ a date because I already have you and Daniel marked as coming and the seating was very expensive and I will not let that seat go to waste!”

“Let’s just see if he will even want to hangout with m again,” I explained.

Sarah let out a sigh, “Fine. Anyway, I’ll be at the hotel at 4 and then everyone else should be here by then. I will send everyone the details later. Love y’all!”

When she hung up the phone I looked at Claire with angry eyes, “Why did you tell her that! She’s going to tell everyone else and it’s going to be weird!”

“I’m surprised you don’t want everyone to know about this. It’s Sebastian Stan for Christ’s sake!” Claire said.

“I don’t want him to feel like I’m going to use him or anything. He’s nice and I don’t want to ruin it with my friends attacking him!” I explained.

“Ok, fine! I’m going to take a shower now. You should take a nap. You look exhausted,” she said, giving me a side hug before going into the bathroom.

She was right. I was exhausted. I probably only got 3-4 hours of sleep last night. After that thought I climbed into bed with my towel still on. When I turned my phone on, I had received a text from Sebastian already.

He said, “Last night was fun! I’d like to hangout with you again while you’re still in town. I have interviews and some other things to do today, but maybe we can get dinner tonight?”

I responded with a smile on my face, “I’d love to, but I am celebrating with my friends for Sarah’s wedding tonight. Maybe another time?”

I turned off my phone and plugged it into the charger before I took a nap. It was a nice 2 hour long nap. I probably could have slept all day if Claire hadn’t woken me up.

When I woke up, I looked at my phone to see if Sebastian texted. He did! Before I could respond, Claire insisted that I get ready now because it was nearly 3 in the afternoon and Sarah was getting here at 4.

I picked some clothes to wear for the evening, put on some makeup, and straightened my hair. Before I knew it, Sarah was here!

Claire opened the door to see that Sarah, Morgan, Grace, Lucy, and Elizabeth were already here! Morgan was holding a bottle of champagne when she walked in, “Hey guys! Are y’all ready to party?!”

“It’s only 4,” Grace commented.

“5 o’clock somewhere, right?” Morgan replied. Everyone grabbed a glass to make a toast to Sarah and her soon to be husband, Ben.

After we finished our glasses, Sarah told us the schedule for the night. It was your usual girls night out kind of schedule which was always great, but I wanted to hangout with Sebastian.

I then remembered that he had texted me a while ago. I got up from my seat and went over to see my phone. Everyone stared at my sudden burst of excitement, but I didn’t care.

He said, “Alright! Have fun tonight. Don’t get into any occupied taxis!” I started to laugh at his reply.

“I’ll try! I wish you were coming tonight,” I said.

When I went back to the table to join the conversation, everyone asked me who I was talking to. “My mom,” I lied.

“Alright! Y’all ready to go?” Sarah interrupted.

“Yeah!” Everyone agreed.

When we left the room, I felt my phone vibrate in my purse. Sebastian replied, “Maybe I will!”

I felt my stomach turn at his message. While waiting at the elevator and everyone was occupied talking to each other, I showed Claire the message and asked her how I should reply. She smiled and bit her lip at me, “Say something like, ‘I would really like it if you did!’”

I typed and sent it without a thought. Claire was always better at flirting than I was so I trusted her opinion. Then we all piled into the elevator and I could feel my face heating up at the fact that I was texting Sebastian Stan! It didn’t hit me until now and I was freaking out on the inside.

When we exited the elevator, he already replied, “Just tell me when and where and I’ll be there.”

I texted him what the plan was and he sent a reply instantly as if he was waiting for me to respond.

“I’ll try to meet you at the club around midnight. I don’t want to pictures of me being taken. The paparazzi never leave me alone.”

“You’re such a popular man. It’s going to be hard,” I said, biting my lips waiting for his reply.

“I just need to warn you that I can’t be seen with you because I don’t want to drag you into my world, yet. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”

I was a bit confused at his reply so I gave my phone to Claire again and let her deal with it. Claire seemed to have trouble coming up with a response as well. We both were way out of our comfort zones when it came to this.

“Thank you for warning me. I understand,” she said, handing my phone back to me.

I put my phone back into my purse as Sarah got us our car to take us to dinner.

When we got into the car we all began talking about how we all met and how crazy it is that one of us is getting married.

It was weird when I thought about it. Sarah was 25, which in my opinion was too young to be married but I was happy for her.

Claire and I were the youngest girls in our group. We all met in college and kept in touch after everyone graduated.

Once we got to the restaurant Sebastian had replied, “It’s a complicated world that I live in and I don’t want to make your life complicated as well. I’ll see you tonight!”

“See you tonight!” I said, stuffing my phone back into my purse.

After dinner, we walked down the street to a dessert shop that Sarah has been talking about all night. They had all kinds of desserts. We spent probably an hour at the shop testing different types of gelato.

When we left the shop I opened my purse to get my phone to check my makeup with my camera.

Sebastian hadn’t texted me back, but I ignored it. It was only eleven now and we were heading to the club. When we got there, there was a line out the door and my feet were already aching. We waiting in line for what seemed to be an hour before we got in.

I went straight to the bathroom when we walked in to use the restroom. When I got into a stall I turned on my phone to see that Sebastian said that he was on his way.

I didn’t reply because I knew he would text me when he got here. I went back out to order a drink and dance with my friends. After a while I noticed that he didn’t hadn’t texted me so I decided to order another drink.

When I looked around I noticed that there were less people inside than I remembered. And then I noticed two large men in suits walked in and behind them was Sebastian. I felt my face start to glow with excitement.

I decided to keep my cool and wait for him to come to me. So I sat at the bar and finished my drink until I felt someone’s hand press against my back. “How many of those have you had,” Sebastian asked, whispering in my ear. “Enough,” I said, smiling to myself as his grip tightened around my waist.

“I take one also,” Sebastian told the bar tender. “And she’s on my tab. Thank you.”

“You don’t have to do that,” I said. “I do since I made my pretty girl wait for nearly an hour. Sorry it took a while. I had to sneak in through the back so that I wouldn’t be seen,” Sebastian explained. “It’s ok. I’m glad you’re here,” I said, drinking wrapping my arms around his waist.

“I think you have had enough of whatever your drinking,” he stated, laughing at me.

“You’re probably right,” I agreed. “Wanna dance,” Sebastian grabbed my hands and lead me to the dance floor.

On my way over to the middle of the room, I saw my friends all staring at me with shock. “Oh god,” I said. Sebastian turned to look at me with concern, “What? Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. My friends just saw us.”

“Oh. That’s ok. As long as they don’t tell or take pictures,” he said.

He turned me around so that my back would be touching his chest. I stuck my butt out so that I could feel close to him. Sebastian knew what I was doing so he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer. He was so hot.

After a while, my friends decided to interrupt and introduce themselves. Sebastian was kind and spoke to them while holding my hand. Everything seemed to be ok, until Sarah decided to open her drunken mouth and said, “So your gonna be (Y/N)’s date to my wedding this Tuesday, right?”

Shit.

#sebastain stan #sebastian stan story #sebastian stan gif #sebastian stan headers #sebastian stan fic #sebastian stan fanfiction #sebastian stan fandom #marvel #marvel imagine #sebastian stan x reader

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dad-power · 7 years

Text

My Story, Part 4

Author’s note: None of this is meant to be mean or vindictive, but a true and accurate accounting of what has happened after My Story, Part 3. It’s been almost 6 years since I posted Parts 1-3.

Catherine’s mother and I have always had a decent relationship since she left two and a half years ago. We’ve been able to co-parent effectively and keep civil. I wouldn’t say we were friends, but we would send each other pics of our daughter, go to her birthday parties, chat frequently via text about her, etc. We got along great and as far as co-parenting, we were doing a lot better than most exes.

Imagine my surprise when, a few days before Christmas, I get served at work with a custody suit. She was going for full custody of my daughter plus child support.

Up until this point, for virtually our daughter’s entire life, we’ve shared custody. It’s been equal, 50/50 straight down the middle. The way it should be. Study after study shows it’s the best way for children to get through a separation. Except for cases of physical abuse, drug use, etc., I’m a huge believer in shared parenting. Why not?

Back when we were working on our parenting plan and had it nearly wrapped up, she said she was going to run it by her female attorney friend to dot the “i’s” and cross the “t’s”. I begged her not to because I knew what would happen. Female divorce attorneys will not stop until you are living out of your car.

Meanwhile, I had been going through some financial troubles. My ex-wife takes a big chunk of my income in the form of child support. My salary is in the high 5 figures. With taxes, support, SS, and medical, a whopping half of my salary is gone before I see my check. This is what I am up against.

Money matters are not something you want to make public. But it wasn’t because of a drug-fueled spiral; I simply didn’t make enough to live on my own after everything was taken from my check. When I show people the numbers they all understand and are totally sympathetic to it. The numbers don’t lie. Most of them were surprised I wasn’t living out of my car.

She sent me an email explaining her reasoning. In a nutshell, she said I’m unfit to parent because I’ve run into financial difficulty. She also doesn’t like how I parent in general.

I begged over and over via text and email for her not to take any more support because it would put me in a worse situation than I already was. I asked her how taking this would be beneficial for Catherine. How would taking more of my income away with 3 kids benefit our daughter? Ironically, in her pleadings, it stated I wasn’t able to care for Catherine financially, but here she was, taking more money out of my paycheck. It didn’t make any sense. I was met with no reply to these questions, and finally, an email threatening harassment.

I’m a great dad. I don’t do drugs, I don’t stay up all night playing video games, I don’t party, I rarely drink. I have a steady, stable career and have only changed jobs twice in the last 20 years. I love my kids more than anything. They are my life. I just want to be left alone to raise them the best I can with the resources I need. I am not a crazy and unfit parent.

So now it probably looks like she has done a heroic thing: Rescuing her daughter from her horrible, drug-addled Daddy who can’t get his shit together. I am sure this is what everyone thinks. The reality is quite different. There are always two sides to a story.

A little history

Back in 2011, we met through my sister and had a fun, whirlwind relationship. Then she abruptly broke up with me after 4 months. No real reason, she just got tired of it and said we weren’t a good match.

There were no hard feelings, and since her job as a real estate agent wasn’t producing, I helped her get an internship at a major ad agency where I had worked for almost 10 years. Then she told me how she was flirting with the 70-year-old CFO of this agency several times and secured a full-time job there.

I thought it was strange that she was constantly coming by my desk chatting with me, and I was very close to telling her to leave me alone, but...

... one afternoon she came by my desk with a note that said she was pregnant. In all honesty, had no idea who the real father was because she had broken up with me, telling me to give her “space” and was hanging out with her ex-boyfriend, calling into question the paternity. She claimed it was mine and I believed her, but at the same time, her actions did not make me trust her much. I found her ex-BF’s contact lenses in her guest bathroom while we were “dating”, and there were several other odd occurrences like that. None of this is meant to be ugly, but it was happening and I had no idea what to think.

But we carried on as friends and I was glad she had a full-time job. At least she would have an income. Despite my instincts telling me to run away, I stayed friends with her. Despite my friends and coworkers advising me to tell her to go away, I stuck with her. I was not going to abandon her and our child.

We started getting closer, and paternity was established. We hung out every weekend at my house, working on the room for the baby, painting the crib, etc., and fell in love again. She asked me if she could move in. I did what I felt was the right thing and welcomed her into my home.

The time around Catherine’s birth was just amazing. Our relationship was better than it had ever been. I absolutely adored her and loved her more than life itself. Life was really good. I thought maybe it was going to turn out beautifully. It was magical, probably one of the best times of my life.

But when Catherine turned 2, she moved out. Then she came back 4 months later. When Catherine was 3, she moved out again, then came back again. Then after some counseling with our pastor, she said she couldn’t commit so I asked her to move out, which was the last time.

But that’s all in the past. She’s in a serious relationship now and they seem like a great match. It’s awesome and I’m truly happy for her. As long as he’s good with Catherine I’m fine with it.

Custody

The whole custody dispute was very hard on so many levels. After 2 years I was healing and moving on. The suit just ripped the scab open again. I wanted to continue our good co-parenting relationship for Catherine, but it was like a switch went off with her and she made it impossible to be civil. It was awful to see our relationship destroyed.

Normally, if an ex with whom you had an amicable split with and got along with is having financial problems—a person you loved, shared intimate moments with and raised a child with—you would most likely say, “What can I do to help? You’re her father and this affects her also. Let’s find you a decent place to live. Let me help you somehow.” There wasn't a huge event that broke us up, and even though it hurt me, it was fairly mutual in that we both knew it was pointless to continue. But nothing happened to create this sudden change in her.

But sadly, It was all scorched earth and horrendously ugly. I was immediately an adversary. I was unstable and unfit to parent. I had tried over and over to show her hard financial numbers but was ignored.

At one point during our negotiations, she told me she would never change her mind and threatened to give me the bare minimum time with Catherine if I didn’t agree to pay her child support.

According to my lawyer, she fired her first attorney for being too nice. She also forced me to take a drug test. I happily took a 14-panel test and passed it with flying colors.

I was prepared to go to trial and had a 90% chance of keeping our 50/50 schedule. Again, all I wanted was equal time. I wasn’t going for full custody. I just wanted to share equal time with her mother.

Several different attorneys advised me that status quo for 2 years and the mother’s history of moving out on us were my aces and would be hard to beat, but the judge ordered mediation at the cost of $1000 a day plus my attorney fees. That was it for me, the end of the road. I didn’t have the money. So I caved and signed the agreement. At this point I just wanted it to be over.

We were together for 4 years. I will never understand the hatefulness and the unwillingness to be reasonable, and the complete lack of empathy towards the father of her child. I will never understand how her heart could become so hardened that she would do something like this. When I have no money, I can’t do certain things with Catherine. That includes necessities. I don’t know why this is was and is so hard for her to understand. All I wanted was to be left alone to provide for my children and have financial security.

Looking Forward

The last 7 years of my life, I have been humbled, changed, refined. I am not the same person I was before. And for this I am thankful. I am choosing to go forward positively. I pray for her. This isn’t a self-righteous prayer, but a prayer that she is happy and successful. Because it does affect our daughter. I do pray for her heart to soften. I also pray for myself that I continue to stay humble and loving towards her. I do love her and want her to be happy.

I’m going to continue to be a great dad to my kids.

God wants us to TRUST in Him and REST in him. I’m choosing this path.

The other night I had Catherine on one side leaning against me, and Daniel leaning on the other side of me. Both of them adore me. My children love me. They know I’m a good father. That’s all that matters.

God will provide for me as he always has. I am getting back on my feet one day at a time. God is good.

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full--stops · 7 years

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Break ups. Most people on this Earth has been through one or will go through one at some point in their lives and understand how unbelievably painful they are and how it honestly physically feels like you’ve lost an integral part of yourself.

My ex boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with me on the 7th December 2016. He may be reading this (however unlikely) so I’m not going to disclose too much information, but it honestly tore me apart and I’m still dealing with it to this day, over three months later. We met when I was sixteen in sixth form and got together when I was seventeen; it was like a fairytale for the most part. I thought he was going to be the guy I was going to marry, everyone told us what a beautiful couple we were, he was my best friend and my rock. Until… things started to go downhill and it ended halfway through my first year at university after managing his first year very well.

If I’m honest, I don’t totally blame distance issues for the break down, it was the little frustrations and lies and lack of equitable effort which all built into resentment. The actual break up, however, felt very sudden to me. I don’t think I ate properly for about 2-3 weeks after that and lost about a stone in weight. I hardly left my university accomodation apart from to go to lectures, when I could manage it, or when my friends forced me to leave the flat and do something. I couldn’t do anything without crying – I remember going into Tescos and I started crying in the middle of the wine aisle (how apt) and received some rather questioning looks from people. I felt like a part of my soul had been ripped out, and nothing anyone could say could comfort me: don’t worry, you’ll find someone else! You’re single now, embrace it! You’re beautiful, you don’t need a man to complete you!… which I came to learn was fairly common amongst people just coming out of a relationship: you just cannot see the positive in anything; like a constant cloud is literally following you around.

Recently I’ve been having some very down days about my break up and kept torturing myself on social media about it, and today I decided I should vent my frustrations and do something productive about it. I’m not a world leading expert, but I’m going to offer little pieces of advice on how to cope with it initially and as time goes on.

LET yourself be upset

People who you keep close to you and try to support you through your break up may tell you not to cry and to go out and keep yourself constantly busy when it happens. I personally don’t think this should be the case 100% of the time. LET yourself be heartbroken. Cry and scream and sob your fucking heart out. Listen to Adele/The Smiths/Amy Winehouse/Tom ODell/Sam Smith (etc etc) on repeat. Eat LOADS of chocolate/ice cream/crisps/cheese/any other comfort food you love (I didn’t… big mistake!). Watch sad films. Indulge yourself in the sadness for a bit.

But then you HAVE to do something with your life. When my break up happened, my friends at uni were my biggest rocks and I don’t know how I’ll ever thank them enough. About two weeks after it happened the last week of term whipped round and there were club nights every night, lots of Christmas parties and celebrations and festivities. So, even though I was so incredibly mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted my friends made me go out with them. We had a Christmas dinner midweek and after so much malnourishment it was the loveliest thing with the loveliest people to experience. The day after that, the university held their Christmas Ball in our on-campus nightclub and I got myself dressed up and started to feel a bit more human again. I drank a fair bit (which anyone who knows me, knows I’m not a huge drinker) and just laughed as much as I could.

Basically, what I’m saying… you are ALLOWED to be sad. You’ve just lost the love of your life, your partner in crime, your best friend… you’re obviously going to feel absolutely horrendous. But, it is just as important to remember you are still your own person and have things to get on with. The day I was dumped, I had a 2000 word essay deadline due the next day which I hadn’t started… pulled an all-nighter for it in the student centre, took breaks to cry and drink Red Bull and ended up with a 2.1 in it (I think I just turned superhuman and realised I couldn’t let it ruin my degree even though it had only just happened)!

2. Surround yourself with happy, bright, positive people

I personally think this is the most important aspect of a break up. At university I found this easy as I’d made some fantastic friends over freshers who I feel like I’ve known my whole life and they let me sob on their bedroom floors, kept me company whilst I did assignments, brought me lots of tea/coffee/biscuits, gave me so many cuddles, replied to my despairing texts in the middle of the night and would take hours out of their day to just give me advice and make sure I’m all right. I will never be able to repay them enough for this as I would not have started the moving on process without them, at all. So thank you to all of you who supported me… especially Maxine and Lea, you are two of the most kindhearted people on this planet.

Do not be afraid to reach out. People who love you will want to be there for you and make sure you’re coping with it. Family are so important – mine certainly were. My lovely mum drove two hours to see me the day it happened and answered the phone at 3 AM when I was sobbing, several times (sorry Mummy) and her and my dad would always offer me advice and support when I needed it. Thankfully it was nearly Christmas so I got to go home for a month and heal, which was really needed. Make sure you do not suffer in silence as this is the worst thing you can do, and things will start to fester in your head and you will overthink and torture yourself. Other people in the process are a key ingredient to things getting better.

3. Remove their social media

Now. I’m the biggest hypocrite ever for putting this as a piece of advice, but it is what you need to do. I found it really hard to remove my ex significant-other from all my social media, and I still have him as a Facebook friend (even though I’ve unfollowed him) but it is very necessary. I am very tech-savvy and can find things/search for things very easily, which was certainly a downside for me, as I would let myself stalk his social media, look at who he was tagging in posts and hypothesise about what new gals he may be seeing now (which I am probably 100% correct about, hahaha). But this will ONLY MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE UTTER, UTTER SHITE. I found myself comparing myself to girl/s I’ve never even met, hating people I hardly know, resenting my ex even further and making myself cry. A lot. Snapchat is especially important for you to remove them off, as you literally see what they’re doing at every hour of the day, especially if they post often, which he did. Same as Instagram – I blocked my ex on there more so I wouldn’t torture myself by looking at his profile constantly. It is only recently I’ve had this revelation, by the way… it can take a while to come to terms that you shouldn’t be seeing their new life and updates, but it’s so important if you’re ever going to move on. Blocking people they’re associated with is very important also, as you’ll probably see something you don’t want to see at some point (trust me). Focus on your own social media, post some fire selfies and share positive things with positive people.

4. When the initial pain has passed, really focus on yourself

From my experience, it’s almost impossible to feel totally yourself when the break up occurs. This is normal, as I said above. But after the initial, horrendous, sudden pain… it will start to feel more like a dull ache. Now, I can say, I have not fully gone through the break up process as I am still coming to terms with things and I have nights where I cry about him still. But I feel like I am on track with my own life a bit more now. I think it’s really important to remember the things you love, your hobbies and passions post-break up. If you love reading, search for as many new books to read as possible. If you play an instrument, play it more than you usually would. If you like keeping fit, go to the gym more often or go for a few more runs. Little things which make you happy can overall improve your general, day to day mood is vital!

Also, doing things which you may not have done in the relationship is a good idea. For some personal insight: I started to go out a LOT (and still do if I’m honest!) which I never used to, I changed my degree course to include a year abroad in my third year (which I’d have barely considered if I was with my ex as I would’ve wanted to stay with him), I got my nose pierced (which my ex used to hate on people) and I really like it, I make more effort to talk to people and enjoy myself and I spend too much money on myself/treat myself a lot (perhaps not so good financially, lol). The more you start to do things for you and not another person as well, the more you’ll start to feel yourself.

Listen to a LOT of uplifting music as well. I personally recommend Beyonce’s ‘Lemonade’ album; I feel like the most powerful woman in the world when I do and I feel it’s the biggest ‘fuck you’ to the person who broke my heart. I created a playlist on Spotify called ‘Strong Woman’ to pick myself up a bit (here’s the link if you’re interested.. https://open.spotify.com/user/1145806328/playlist/0lzoFqM9zcwo17KJuEnJeN) to remind myself I AM enough: break ups can make you feel very small, unattractive and worthless and it really helps give me that boost when I’m having a down day.

5. Remember… you are ENOUGH.

When you dedicate so much of your life to someone and they leave you, it really does make you question everything about your worth. Me and my ex were together for a long time considering how young we are/were so we kind of grew up with each others’ needs/wants/idiosyncrasies in mind (I especially did) – I even partly-based my university choice on where he was at the time (which worked out perfectly in the end… Essex is an amazing uni) so to have that ripped from you and standing on your own two feet is daunting and scary. But… it is totally possible. In hindsight it was a good thing I went through the break up at university as I had things to do and people to be around, whereas at home I’d have felt much more isolated. You are incredibly strong and resilient for going through it and someday you will come through the other side. When it happens, this is very hard to believe. But you need to have faith that you will pull through in its entirety: I’m still not there myself, but I can feel myself improving a bit each day and my confidence in myself growing, which if I’m honest, I didn’t have at all when I was with my ex. I care less about the small inconveniences and relish the little moments which matter.

Break ups: especially at university, how to start the healing process and look after yourself Break ups. Most people on this Earth has been through one or will go through one at some point in their lives and understand how unbelievably painful they are and how it honestly physically feels like you've lost an integral part of yourself.

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yiiixuannnnnnn-blog · 6 years

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first love

we started talking 2 years back in june, some time around my birthday, we were nothing but really really close friends that told each other everything, it felt really nice to have someone to rant and tell stories to bc not everyone around me were patient enough to listen to my rants and shit as im a rlly emotional person, my mood swings r the WORST, yet he was able to tolerate everything, i felt nothing but so so so blessed to have him bt my side, not to mention i was born to get along better with guys than girls.

around mid-september, a senior dude from my school started talking to me through instagram, at that point i didn’t know anything abt what love or a relationship was, i was like a new born against that topic. that dude and i talked for abt a week and he confessed to me telling me that he’s had a crush on me for a really long time, i told him to give me some time. but the complicated part was that, that dude was my best friend’s boyfriend’s best friend (they’ve alrdy broken up now), so he was trying so hard to persuade me to give him a chance and that he was a good guy and all, i didn’t know what to do .

i told him that someone confessed to me and asked him what i should do, he told me to follow my heart and give it a try if i wanted to. i dont wanna go too far w the details but yeah i ended up dating that dude but it didn’t last for even a month bc he was too clingy to the point i was disgusted, i broke up w him giving him the excuse that my parents didn’t allow me to date till i go to college which was clearly a lie.

at that time he was also dating another girl, her name was mun, he told me he wasn’t happy that they were dating at all, he cut himself, lost alot of sleep, i asked him why but he didnt wanna tell me, i was rlly worried bc i was afraid he’d do smtg stupid. i rmb that day, it was rainy and i jus got home from school, i was laying in bed and it was rlly dark, i got a text from him :

‘i broke up w mun’

‘what happened?’

‘she’s a bitch, she cheated on me w so many people, i dont think i wanna live anymore’

his love life has been tough all along, he was too sensitive and emotional that all his exes dumped him bc of that but i found that unique, him being sensitive and emotional was wat made him HIM, people only looked at his bad side but he was a rlly sweet and caring guy. so that was the day he exposed everything about mun to me, everything that he hid for the past months, he rlly rlly loved her.

mid-november, when school holidays started, we were texting as usual, it was 3am and we were joking and laughing about things. all of a sudden he said :

‘wait ah brb gimme 10 mins’

so i said okay and waited, about only 5 mins later, he texted me :

‘i like you’

i was shocked, at the same time i was happy, i didn’t reply to the ‘i like you’ part but instead i made fun of him and said :

‘did that take u 10 mins to say it’

i teased him as i always do, he said :

‘no i tried to come up w a better line but i couldn’t think of one’

the way he said that sounded so silly and cute i smiled so wide, i could feel him shivering on the other side of my phone as i knew he was an extremely shy person.

‘i like you too :)’

that was the day a new chapter of us beginned.

he was the most caring and loving boy i’ve ever met, he would bring chocolates for me in sch to cheer me up, deal with my moodswings perfectly, cheer me up when im sad, even though he has his own problems daily, he prioritises me over anything else, and so many more things that it felt so surreal as if i was living in a fairytale.

my friends would tell me he has a weird temper and i was too good for him but i didn’t give a shit at all, all i wanted was him.

there were days where it was so late at night but he wouldn’t go to sleep just bc i was losing sleep, he would tell me that he wouldn’t go to bed unless i do, i felt bad for most of the days when that happened bc he was a sleepy ass head who loved to sleep and snuggle like a cat. but there were also days where he fell asleep before i did, i didn’t mind at all bc i knew tht at least he tried to stay up, which i found cute.

there were nights he would tell me that his parents fought and that his mum was crying which made him upset, it rlly sucks when he’s upset bc most of the time he wouldn’t open up to me abt it and he’ll keep it to himself which was rlly upsetting for me as a friend and a girlfriend to not be able to help, he wouldn’t pick up his phone or anything, just complete silence from him.

he always told me that he missed his siblings that moved to australia, i’ve seen several pictures of him and his siblings, he smiled so wide i could barely see his eyes. he told me he showed a picture of me to his siblings and mother, he said they complimented me and wanted to meet me so i told him i would if i ever get a chance to.

february 11th, he started to avoid me and stopped replying to my texts, it was so frustrating bc i dint know what i did wrong at all, in fact i was sure that i did not do anything wrong. for a month, he didn’t reply me or even look at me in the eye when we saw each other in school, i was pissed, i asked him what was wrong but he said nothing, so i didn’t bother to ask anything anymore and just left it as it was.

of course i was upset, i would cry for hours and wonder what went wrong, i didn’t understand what was going on between us, no messages or any calls from him, nothing at all, i was so upset i could barely fall asleep, eat or focus on my studies, i barely smiled.

one morning i got a text from him, a breakup text, i don’t rmb what it said but i do rmb my best friend telling me that the text wasn’t written by him when i showed it to her, she said it was written by her. i went crazy.

for the next 2 months i felt empty, i felt as if my soul had left my body and a big piece of my heart went missing, i went from a cheerful girl who laughed at everything into a girl who was sad and depressed all day long. i wasn’t able to fall asleep without crying and having my pillow wet for a night, it was rlly chaotic, at that time my relationship w my parents were also on the edge of tearing apart. my parents didn’t know that i was going thru a breakup so they were merciless when it comes to using words against me, i was so hurt till i felt numb after awhile, my face was expressionless, emotionless, and i felt listless.

after the two months when i was slowly recovering, he texted me. using all the sweet and cute languages, my heart felt alive again somehow. and we started talking again as if nothing happened before. i felt happy again, to the point it blinded me, i forgot abt everyth he did to me and was forgiving him without me knowing it, until he did it again.

no messages, no calls, no nothing, for a month, i felt like my soul that jus got back into my body left again. i didn’t bother to ask what was going on as we weren’t rlly official AGAIN at tht time, my best friend which was his friend told me :

‘you know he started talking to his ex again right, they’ve been going out and staying over at each other’s houses’

my heart broke.

soon i heard that his ex didn’t like him back at all, for some reason i felt happy, as if i was avenged. i dont wanna speak much about my emotions but yes, he did say many things to me and i felt like shit, its too much emotions idk how to put them in words.

i told myself tht i dont wanna have any harsh feelings and that him and i r still friends but i low key hated him to death. i hated him for hurting me, i cursed him so badly and wanted to him die and pay for everything he’s done to me.

i took a year to get over him completely, here i am now living a happy life with good friends around me. i realised that life isn’t jus about getting a boyfriend or girlfriend and living happily ever after like all fairytales, in fact they’re not true and will never come true, its not all about getting butterflies and kisses, its about being able to go through shit tgt and be strong even after it all.

here’s to my first one ever,

xoxo

( yes, it’s my true story )

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