#he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away

[aristia-pjoheadcanons]

Hi! Sorry for bothering, but I was wondering if you could make some headcanons of Jason dating a daughter of Hecate who loves reading (after he breaks up with Piper), please?

I belong to cabin 20th and it's kind of bad that there isn't much representation of these demigods on the fandom 😓

Thank you so much because your amazing headcanons are making the waiting for the series release so much bearable 😊

Lots of love, take care 🫶🏼

authors note: oh my gosh, daughter of hecate? yes, please. I headcanon myself as a child of hecate too y'know.

pairings: jason grace x hecate reader

warnings: none

->masterlist

Jason Grace dating a Child of Hecate

art by Viria

Jason Grace is not a difficult guy, he just slightly complex when it comes to the way he shows he cares for others.

Since Hecate is basically the goddess of sorcery, magic, and everything in that box - you're abilities are quite open and great. A child of HECATE WOULD BE VERY USEFUL IN BATTLE, considering the fact that their magic leaves them pretty flexible and open.

Jason is a strategist, he plans ahead of time and can think of a lot of plans with just your powers. a formiddle force the two of you make

the two of you cause a storm whenever you fight

i imagine that he is somewhat quiet, even if he is a leader he's not as socially outward as you think. he is social, but it takes time for him to warm-up. he puts people in categorizes on how much of his plans can he tell them, and how much can he not. but with you, he shares everything.

he wants you to be comfortable. feeling at home, somewhere safe, is a dream jason has in his mind. he dreams of the future with you. he is a protecter, a fierce one, not minding if he has to bare his teeth in order to do so - he doesnt even mind hurting his own reputation since he can fix it quickly.

im sorry, but i see jason as a parallell captain america, i cant help but imagine him in that costume. make him dress up as him during halloween.

sweet, caring and daring. he isnt the most bold with pda, kissing or touching you the way percy might do. but he is willing to take the leap of faith to kiss you when the moment is right, subconsciously find a place for the two of you so he can kiss you in private. he prefers the idea of a solitute that is safe.

i feel like when he fell for you he'd give you a nice small smile from time to time, and he kept doing it everytime you made eye-contact since you gave him that beautiful smile back.

charming, not just because of his leader position (which makes him hot and commanding ngl), but because he is confident in his movements even if its techniqally his "first time".

this guy is both an owl and a chameleon

his way of showing he likes you is keeping an eye on you. he knows better than anyone that people need space, especially him. but he likes to analyze the type of person you are and what type of character you have. if you are a very touchy, cheerful, charismatic person then he wouldn't mind switching and copying that to become closer to you.

this guy has no issue changing the personality he has, because to him it doesn't change who he is. his goals, accomplishments are all the same. he is kind-off used to change. lupa's training program, romans making him a preator when he didn't really want that position, becoming a hero, losing his memories, loving piper and losing her, joining camp half-blood and staying there from time to time, learning how to become friends with different people - even if he is similar to them ex. annabeth and percy.

sorry if i'm projecting my personal hc of my oc, but i like the idea of being able to summon monsters from card decks ex. mythomagic. like monsters from the dead/necromancy (that you/your team has killed) or being able to summon anything from a card that has a picture of the entity ex. minotaur.

they can use shadows to create a barrier as a shield or a barrier of invinsibility.

jinxes, hexes and curses similar to harry potter can be casted. the time you hexed someone bc they insulted your friend was the day you heard jason grace laugh with his loud voice.

when jason laughs you can hear his chest and throat vibrate. idk how to explain it other than it being manly.

cursing their opponents to make them weaker, forcing their opponents to relieve a really embarassing moment in their life which will make them frozen on the spot.

jasons voice has a deep timbre, its kind of gruff in situations where hes holding back his anger or frustration - he really has trained subconsciously to make his voice steady.

the deep timbre can be intimidating since when he speaks, his voice has a sense of authority and dephr that commands respect.

his voice can be very gentle and sweet and soothing, but sometimes a little too loud. i feel like he cant really whisper. his voice is deep that the sound carries through the air since his voice has a natural badd-heavy quality to it. which makes his voice more loud, enhanced in a way, especially in enclosed spaces, small rooms or inside of a car because his voice resonates and the sound travels farther.

his assertivness disappears slightly when he speaks to you. tbh its pleasurable when he speaks in your ear its just to easy to close your eyes and relax when he talks.

why do i feel like he can crush an apple with his hands? either way, he has a big heart which is bigger than his biceps.

because hes so reflective he asks deep questions, dont be surprised if you end up talking to him for more than 4 hours, he is very attentive and sensitive to your body language - alwasy reading them to make sure you're enjoying the conversation.

when things get tough, he will place a warm palm on the center of your back as a way to reassure you but also to reassure himself that you're okay.

he asks thoughtful questions and is keen to learn more about your connection to the underworld. combining forces would be great but he understand if you're not much of a fighter (not all people are), hes willing to carry you if you do end up fighting.

i feel like he is such a supportive person, through his own ways. he takes time in learning about the way you like doing things, but also what is the best corse of action for you. hes willing to lay down a plan or a schedule to make studying easier for you for example.

he provides feedback that is quite honest but in a caring and supportive manner. also when he demonstrates his swordmanship you cant help but look at how much of a skilled soldier he is, his techniques are extraordinary but also has a sense of ownership to it, he has taken time to disect and make some of the steps his quirks, so some things you cant keep up with. while percy is very flexible and agile with his sword, jason is forceful and dependable, his raw power mixed with his passion makes it easy for him to win any fight : its similar to a storm, furious and you dont realise that it has caught you inside of it until its too late.

he helps you with the mechanics if the movements of any weapon. bow&arrows, swords, daggers. he might not use a bow but he has memorizes the textbook-form and can correct you just fine. he radiates confidence even when he doesnt feel that way, which is both inspiring and truly sad that he feels like he has to act refined and perfect, almost like a "prince" in public.

he likes to read the same books that you read to try to understand you better but also to have something to talk about

he would make his bedroom / dorm as comfortable as possible for your reading purposes. like adding a bookshelf or getting blankets and tea/coffee that you like. he makes an effort to provide. that is his love language.

he is interested in his partner's ideas and interpretations of the books they read, and enjoys hearing your throughs on different topics.

he respects your qualtity and peaceful time and dont mind leaving you alone when you're reading. but is willing to sit there for hours quietly letting you do your thing. if you cuddle with him, hell put his glasses on and read above your shoulder, lean in and you can feel his hot breath against your neck.

he needs time after he breaks things off with piper, but eventually he heals and moves on. his heart is complete and whole again and makes a better effort to keep this relationship lasting, and protected.

#pjo #percy jackson scenarios #greek mythology #percy jackson headcanons #percy jackson #jason grace headcanon #jason grace #heros of olympus #jason grace pjo #pjo jason #percy jackson tv show #pjo tv show #percy tv show #jason grace headcanons #foryou #percy jackson masterlist

[raysletters]

Fanfic Friday!

Rules: share a fic you wrote (or fan art or gif) that you are proud of! Moodboard optional!

Oh would you look at that? nobody actually tagged me, but im really proud of this fic and will forever be my precious baby and my first non canon compliant or canon adjacent fic.

peace by raysletters

"give yourself away sometimes, sweetheart. there's so much of you"

4 times Henry gives himself away, and the 1 time Alex shows him how much there is of him.

lightly inspired in it's nice to have a friend and peace by taylor swift

(alternatively called: the superhero au)

this was written thanks to a prompt from @inexplicablymine for @thebrownstone anniversary exchange and ive never had so much fun writing something ever. it was in the middle of a writers block and i spent SO long thinking about it (mainly bc i cant stand the movie or a certain actress on it) before i remembered my aforementioned hyperfixations on both the bright sessions and the flash (at some point i hope somebody makes a tbs x rwrb fic before i end up caving in and do it myself, even though it would be very similar to this fic, now that i think about it).

(break where i give little information about this bc the research was long and incredibly fun)

after all of that, it was so long that i spent on a google rabbit hole of researching superpowers and thinking how would it fit each person (i KNEW before anything else that i was going to give bea music powers, and after that the rest followed) so it is funny how all of their powers correlate between family and stuff and i need everyone to know about this bc i really spent so long thinking of it.

you have the mountchristen line, that has the "mind powers", starting with mary (psyren) that has the powers to manipulate minds, but it is more like suggestions, so that's why alex and bea could shrug it off and how henry would be able to after fighting his usual response of like going along whatever mary said; then you have catherine (vis) that has telekinesis, aka manipulation of objects through her mind (dont ask me about the name this one was very much just thrown out there when i looked it up suggestions on google). thats where arthur (foxglove) comes in with his ecokinesis (this is more like controlling plants but not really with his mind but like hes in TUNE with the planet and nature ala poison ivy kinda thing(?) (also yes ofc i found out there is a PLANT called FOX-GLOVE and gave it as a name for arthur. that is something he 100% would do and i dont receive criticism for it) and starts the fox-mountchristen line with philip (no i didnt think of his superhero name bc even though he is a bit redeemed here, he doesnt deserve it) and his MANIPULATION OF THE LIGHT WITH HIS MIND. and yes its cool and all, but i just want to emphasize that i wanted them to be able to MANIPULATE PARTS OF NATURE WITH THEIR MINDS BC ITS A MIX OF BOTH CATH AND ARTHUR (sjfnakdjfkahdmfhansbfmahdm im sorry i thought of it while still blocked and thought it was absolutely genius 💀💀). then there comes beautiful gorgeous bea who doesnt have a pseudonym bc she's actually part of the agency trying to control that superheroes dont do crazy stuff (yes bc of mary) and shes a badass agent and also has a band on the side bc she CAN MANIPULATE SOUND AHFNSJHSSJDJABHSNSHAJS. and lastly theres henry with his empathy and this is something not implied but more like a nod to tbs bc henry's actual powers are the manipulation of emotions which MEANS HENRY IS BASICALLY INCREDIBLY FUCKING POWERFUL but since he really doesnt like all that superhero shit, he doesnt care about it. at some point in time, he might discover hes even able to push emotions into other people, but again, since that was a nod to tbs, thats just something for them to discover in the future and thats it.

on the other hand, you have the claremont-díaz line that is messy as fuck, because in this universe, ellen enlisted in the army like her father and she ended up becoming a super soldier, along the lines of captain america, and was called "lometa longshot" bc yes ofc i had to. so you see how she doesnt have actual powers but instead she just has everything ENHANCED????; then you have oscar, who has the ability to fly, (which, fun fact, was actually the last power i thought of bc the idea of it is that oscar had some power of MOVEMENT), and bc you have impossible movement and enhancement, you get beautiful june with her powers of teletransportation that allow her to be a badass reporter and always get exclusives bc of how fast she can get somewhere; and you get alex with his undiagnosed adhd and the fire under his ass for no good reason and then there was absolutely no other choice but to give him super speed (and has nothing to do with the fact that he, like barry allen, is a very intelligent but very chaotic bisexual with undiagnosed adhd).

nora is there vibing, being a tecnopath and having actual numbers on her brain while also planning to conquer the world and also become kind of an iron-woman(? in that she makes gadgets for superheroes and for herself. pez is also vibing and being so cool they even have two powers, being able to shapeshift AND mimic the powers of ppl near them. hes the actual threat in that if they wanted, they could absolutely conquer the world.

ANOTHER FUN FACT: this is fairly obvious but in the us the school is called sky high and in uk the school is called wonder school bc i couldnt think of anything else and my reference for names of schools in the uk is that wizardry school from that horrible book so like,,,,, yeah.

LAST FUN FACT I SWEAR: theres a list of classes and their kind of equivalents that showed up after i decided alex would absolutely never stand this hero/sidekick bullshit shsksjsksjsksjsksjsksjs it was fun even though im yet to grasp the concept of american education(????? (listen im dumb so like if you were expecting too much from me, thats on you)

Math → Strategy

Language Arts → Heroism (morality and stuff)

Science → Mad Science

Social Studies → World History

Foreign Language → Technology (Hacking and entering 💀)

Physical Education → Combat

Electives → Save the citizen, Enhancement (like practice your own powers and stuff), Origins (of superheroes and superpowers), Teamwork (something both Alex and Henry definitely didn't take 💀), Alter-ego Management

(im not kidding when i say i pasted it verbatim to what i had in my docs, bc theres nothing more chaotic than my outlines and ramblings on any of my gdocs)

im not tagging anyone bc i just noticed it is decidedly not friday anymore but i got too excited talking about this fic akdbdksjsksjAbssjakajsncjbsksdhdjsj anyway, go and read it if you havent shkssjkssjsksjsksjs

#red white and royal blue #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #writing #ao3 #rwrb fic #rwrb #fanfic #fanfic friday #fanfic rec #raysletters on ao3 #sky high #sky high au #peace by raysletters on ao3

[isabelguerra]

boys im gonna be honest i’m deep in my ‘i am never going to post wizard au’ era again both because of The Elephant In The Room and also its so much god damn work. its so much work. im not gonna do that in my free time. so since i know there were people invested in the fic series and worldlore or whatever why dont we just talk about it instead. its got wizards. its got izjo. you wanna hear about the 6 year long wizard izjo slowburn? i can talk for ages about the 6 year long wizard izjo slowburn.

eightfold is a giant spider isabel sneaks into the library when theyre first years but by second year shes gotten too big to keep hiding. isabel tries sneaking out to help her escape but johnny catches her in the act so he gets roped in and it turns into a whole heist sneaks to get eightfold out of the wizard castle unnoticed without getting caught. at midnight. saying bye is bittersweet but on the walk back they start bickering as usual and they hate each other so much but oops oh no wait this is fun. they’re having fun actually. haha get back here. and they get back 2 dorms safe and giggling and shoving each other and its nice and isabel opens up a little bit and says thanks for being there that was super annoying but cough uh. ended up being really nice and shes glad he was there. it was nice not being alone while saying bye to her best friend. so she GUESSES maybe he isnt SO bad or whatever. and then puts the bravado back on and is grinning wide and laughing again and haha oh man did he see that ghost in the corridor with the- but johnny is NOT listening. he is still stuck on ‘i had a nice time being around you’ (<- he is unused to positive reinforcement. he is accustomed to the norm of ‘(i think) people (my friends) like me because im good at exerting myself over others in a way that makes them feel bad but makes us feel good’ and not ‘i enjoyed being around you just for you’) and is not taking it well. also very jarred and offput by the new side of his wizard sport partner, very thrown off kilter. thrown off his groove. they NEVER have good times together. like they dont have BAD times but this has never been like A Thing before but she just said it so now it IS and. okay. maybe he had fun. maybe he DID have fun. and maybe shes good to push against cause she pushes back and maybe he can admire or at least respect the tenacity it takes to do that with him. and maybe it feels cool when that look get in her eye and he knows hes in for a good duel or like shes not looking like that now but this is fine too yknow. like the warm smiling and goofy laughing and dorm fireplace lighting and the tired soft look hes never seen her with before is fine no biggie he doesnt mind. but yes he does hes freaked out. so he bolts and thinks ‘surely that isn’t something i gotta worry about’ and then worries about for the next 6 years

isabel has a tendency to keep even her closest friends a little at bay but unfortunately thats very hard to do when you share a wizard commonroom with a loudmouthed fire hazard who is also your wizard sport partner. so they end up spending a lot of time together thanks to proximity. proximity after about 3 years turns to tentative friendship. tentative friendship after 4 years turns to ‘at the point of late night study sessions draped across each other on the couch because we have shit to do and im not letting you fail because if you do you wont be able to play in the next match and if we lose cause of it im kicking your ass’ (<- ‘i like hanging out with you’). the others come over often but theres only so much time you can spend with someone who is not in your wizard school group versus someone who is and is around you 24/7. so theyre not bffs yes but they might as well be. so one day theyre learning about some idk wizard beast and oops forgot to bow or whatever, johnny gets owned and so ollie&isabel take him 2 the nurse. the catalyst here is isabel knows by now that this is someone she cares about and considers a friend but shes REALLY caught off guard at just how MUCH this is stressing her out. not wizard game related. not in a bickery play way. she doesnt know when she started caring so much, but now she IS and hes someone important to her. and hes hurt. and shes going to stay in this god damn infirmary pacing and foot tapping and doing jumping jacks to get out the energy while her brain goes 100000 miles per second. and she does that for about 4 hours. anyway johnnys fine but even after hes fine isabel is still stuck with the ‘why was That my reaction’ realization. and the answer is she li

6th year max gets his ass thrown in the trio sorcerer championship and literally all his suffering is secondary because this is an izjo au. both their feelings are still there both of them still have no idea what to do with them or how to get them out in normal ass ways. so first night back to school johnny dares everyone to sneak into the woods after curfew and see who lasts longer. hes not 12 anymore but he is 16 which arguably is worse. the bullying has lessened the scoundrelism has amplified. everyone gets terrified. scatters. haha oh its you (record scratch) guess we’re walking around the spooky woods trying to find our friends! gee the atmosphere and flustered skittishness i get around you that makes me uncomfortable because i dont know how to deal with it SURE IS amplified right now! better fall back on familiar tactics and scenarios: friendly frustrated bickering and mild threats of violence. they get in a verbal fight and have a ‘would you shut up’ ‘why dont you make me’ ‘And Then They Kiss’ moment while the emotions are super heightened and isabel, who initiated it, isabel kissed him first, then proceeds to realize what she did and loses her god damn mind freaking out and apologizing while johnny stands there totally frozen and maybe for the first time ever shocked into total speechlessness. and then max falls out of a tree and ollie finds them and ed and rj are with them and sos stephen so theyre like HAHA OKAY GANG ! GREAT DARE ! LETS HEAD BACK NOW ! and johnny lays awake in bed that night kicking his feet in the air

wizard prom in december. they dont go together because theyre idiots and not at that point where asking someone (each other) to wizard prom is something they can do. but they both break away from the crowd at similar times and end up hanging out most of the night, which jsabel gets in trouble with her grandpa for, but before then she has a lot more fun. they ditch the wizard prom hall and go romp around campus and the sports pitch and they Dont Talk About What Happened In September. they dont. its unspoken. if you bring it back up that means its real. oh hey wait hold on whats that. what is that. is that- oh damn its that one plant. with the- yeah its the winter holiday kiss tradition plant. where like if its over you you gotta kiss. yeah like on the mouth. wow that’s crazy. ahahahah damn well yknow it IS the rules so they should probably- cause yknow like, so they, yknow, yeah. yeah like with lips and stuff. man thats sooooo lame and sucky too bad the plant rules say we gotta :/ shoot that sure blows :/ crazy how this world works. cringe. anyway so about that ki- and then max walks in .2 seconds beforehand and ruins the moment and its funny because i like torturing him. max tells ksabel Hey Uh We Gotta Do The Closing Dance Okay Bye. spells broken though and she leaves they do not kiss. but theyre both left with the knowledge that the other person WANTED to enough that they were willing to exploit a cliche social tradition just to find an excuse for it.

im so tired i keep fading jn and out of consciousness writing this. isabels wizard fear monster (franciso) fucks her up pretty badly. she runs out of the classroom back to the wizard dorms, youll never believe who goes after to check on her. T 60k+ slowburn, hurt/comfort, fluff, pep talks, Decisions Made Under High Emotions (second kiss) (johnny initiated kiss) (isabel is getting kissed this time) (hes standing right behind me isnt he) max walks in on them again. isabel is bluescreening. johny promptly leaves. max her best friend max is like ‘i would like to stop always seeing you guys about to lip lock’ isabel wants to be swallowed by the ground. i cant finish this im so tired. look at my comprehensive au romcom plotlines boy

#paranatural #nain tag i dont. EVEN care !

[trippygalaxy]

So i cant help but write abt this, im srry if like you dont have the same hair type or smt like that? Anyway i rlly dont see any fics abt curly haired readers SO why not write chaotic curly hair reader with the entire chain >:) Lol not the reader able to steal rupees and put them in their hair without the chain noticing >:DDDD HOPE U ENJOY BTW THIS IS JUST LIKE I LITTLE DRABBLE I THOUGHT OF NOT RLLY THE OFFICIAL OF THE OTHERS

Readers POV:

WHY DID THIS MONKEY THINK OF THIS, EXCUSE ME BUT I DO NOT CONSENT TO THIS! We at a nice river, wind was bien the little gremlin he was and yk me, just chillin......drawin time anime style in a Pikachu onesie.......... big brain ik. "AYO BROSKI, U BETTER WATCH WHERE YOU THROW YOUR WATER! I DO NOT WANNA GET WET TODAY!" I yell at wind cause for some reason he looked like he was getting sturdy on the water....thats wild frfr (sturdy is a type of dance btw) "this bun is killing me" I mumbled to myself, closing my sketchbook. I wore a bun the entire time i traveled with the chain. I had my reason tho. If i were to take of the bun, my hair would be a complete mess AND so poofy. Especially if i get it wet. Also i havent seen a curly haired person in all the hyrules yet so im not sure either way.... BUT IM TIRED SO YK WHAT? FUCK ALL THAT AND BYE BYE BUN! I took off the hair tie carefully trying not to hurt and pull my hair, mission failed. As i guessed my hair was a complete mess and.... wait i got a afro? neat. "WOAHHHHH Y/N YOUR HAIR!" I looked up, my bangs were covering half my face. That voice came from wind, THIS LITTLE GREMLIN STILL IN THAT NASTY WATER BRO. "Yea what about it?" I said confused, yall really never saw curly hair before? "Its so poofy! and curly..." Wild said, bros interested "Yea I know! Yall really never saw this hair type before?" I questioned cause HOW COME THEY NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE?? "Well not in my hyrule" Sky said from next to me. This guy really used a ender pearl to get here "Same, do u mind if I touch your hair? If not its ok! It just looks so soft.." AWWWWW HOW COULD I SAY NO TO MY HYRULE MY POOKIE! "Yea of course, I really don't care" I said like it was nothing, I REALLY REALLY HOPE THIS MONO POOKIE NUMBER 139 DOESNT PULL MY HAIR CAUSE IF HE DOES ISTG "Wow, its so soft!" "Tankeu" Ayo is that leged comein closer IS HE FINALLY GONNA NOTICE ME- "Why do you look like a pom pom. Your hair covers half your face, you know that right?" ....... EMOTIONAL DAMAGE "I know, have you seen curly hair before?" "Can't say that I have" oh, so no hyrule had curly hair??? "Well i have, i think?" TWILIGHT MY BABA GWORL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RN COE HERE SO I CAN GIVE U KISSES- "Really! Thank lord" "Well i think, i saved this girl who had curly hai then she left." Oh damn. Imagine "How do you even de-tangle your hair?" Warriors said from ThE sHaDoWs "You dont, till you wash it that is. and when you do, you go part my part so you dont yank your hair" I need to wash my hair.......... "Ohhh, you put in a bun so u can fight right?" MAN ENOUGH WITH THE QUESTIONS BRO! Imma die here wih these monos questioning me

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS! I ALSO HOPE YOU ARE WELL! the next one i think might be legend....idk CYA NEXT TIMEE!

"THIS MONO POOKIE NUMBER 139"

is my favourite fucking thing OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!

Wind fucking do the sturdy is infact WILD DSHJKDA like MY GUY!! get out of the nasty ass water and get ur ass up here! Fucking hell HDSJA

Of course they're asking all these questions-- nosy mfs!!!

(I dont have curly hair but this was still a DELIGHT to read!!!! thank you so much anon! <3)

#trippy answers #anon ask #tales from the void

[talksofmyfamily]

lately ive been wondering if i want to be an author at all.

it was always my dream, writing books, writing of my fantasies and ideas, that overflow my mind at all times. but sometimes i look at the cars my father - a distant man, every time we speak we argue and we scream and we cry and fight, he just doesn't listen, he just doesn't let you get a word in - repairs and works on, and i think of what it would be like to know what goes on inside them. how do they work? what happens in them? theyre structured. theyre pretty, and unique, and sometimes theyre also ugly. the old ones, thats what he repairs. not the new, electric cars, with their modern, ever-the-same sleek designs, he takes care of the hiccups that the old ones have. he doesn't do it professionally, actually, he cuts and sells firewood, but when someone has a problem with their motor, they go to him. and sometimes, i watch him work on them, from the window, where i sit and smoke almost every hour of day. he doesn't look angry when he does it. he just looks passive, and peaceful, unlike literally every other time i see him. he doesnt scare me anymore, not really, not after five years of hating him and loving him and being afraid and arguing and attempting to dodge his fists on the more difficult days, i just find myself ignoring his existence unless he speaks to me first. i hardly spare a thought to him. hes nothing to me. but his cars.... they fascinate me. id almost forgotten about them for a long time. we used to do little projects together, back when i was still younger, before the incident, before he changed and i changed too. built a cage for my hamster, and my sister's too. built a stable for my action figures i had back then, little horses id been collecting since i was three years old. fixed my bike. he helped me with everything. taught me to sew the many holes in my clothes shut. gave me my first beer, way too early, i hadn't even reached double digits yet. i used to love him. and then i hated him. and then he became nothing to me but a bother.

my neighbor is different. it'd be a very big stretch to say he's been more of a father to me than my own, we hardly talk to each other as well, after all, but when we do, its always memorable. he fixes cars as well. he's my father's best friend, ironically, but theyre nothing alike. my neighbor is a nice, if a bit grumpy and stingy man that smokes pipes rather than cigarettes, gives me beers (and weed) freely and has the most well-trained, sweet dog ive ever seen. shes adorable, and whenever we have to take care of her because he's in the hospital again, she sleeps in my bed rather than the makeshift blanket bundle my mother puts on the floor for her. he trained and raised her himself. yesterday, when we were smoking weed together from his fancy little pipe, he gave me some advice. he said (or at least, he said roughly this, as i am not sure i remember it correctly, and i am also attempting to translate it from german into english) that "when you really want to do something, and you do it, without letting yourself be influenced by others, itll work out. if it doesnt, the question is if thats really what you want."

i still dont know if i want to be an author, or if i want to learn something about cars, or be a graphic designer or something entirely different. but i have time. im still only in 9th grade, and i do want to continue school until im at least in 10th or 11th. maybe ill look into the basic inner workings of a car tonight. maybe ill write another long-awaited chapter to one of my fanfictions. maybe i wont be able to sleep and do both. who knows. i wish i did.

#vent

[murdoc]

this is a weird post to make, but i dont really have many places to say it and i wanna share my thoughts Somewhere lol

so i found my dad after more than a decade of being out of contact with him (probably since 2010? at latest, very early 2011). or rather, after every few years of searching for a little while and coming up fruitless, he made a new facebook less than three weeks ago and i just happened to get Really lucky timing.

just before him i had also found my (former) step sister + mom, as well as my half sister (all sisters younger than me and previously i couldnt find), and.. its a strange experience to finally see people who used to be so close to you in your life show uo again, visibly older and doing their own thing.

its hard to explain.. its almost like youve woken up from a coma. you have memories and have had dreams of these people for years and years and during that time you never really realized that the image you have of them was one trapped in amber; even when youre cognizant of the passage of time, your mind just can't take into consideration the individualized process of aging, both physically and where the passage of time will take them and their relationships. you realize these people are now essentially strangers to you.

my (former) step mom has remarried again and has her own set of children (again), one of my step uncles ended up passing away, my step sister is no longer how i remembered her in 2007 from one of the few photos i have of her in my possession and is posting hippie white woman stuff on her feed, my half sister doesnt share my last name (paternal) anymore, nor her mother or new husband's, whom she is having a child with. i was able to figure out it was her because of the name and how she looks strikingly like her mom and has photos with my dad in them.

my dad himself has aged significantly since he's last shared a photo of himself anywhere. he used to always wear hats, but in a new photo he's got solid white hair despite being in his early 40s and is balding (HE did this to me..) and finally learned what glasses suit his face better LMAO. honestly, he looks better now than he ever did when i've seen him. which i think was one of the biggest shockers because god he looked so lame. this also gives me hope for myself B)

the thing i noticed the most though is how "normal" him and my half sisters turned out. granted, he was always so much more put together than my mother-- i'm sure thats why they didnt really like each other lmao. but, while im not sad about my life, even if it's definitely different than i assumed for my age, i can't help but wonder where i'd be if i had allowed myself to overcome the fear of my mother and went to go live with my dad like we had planned in 2008 or 2009.

however, just from how hard it has been to piece together the state of that side of my family, i don't think any speculation could even be remotely accurate. ive also never really been one to dwell on what could be anyway. at the end of the day i cant undo how horrific my childhood was, but i can make steps to grow from it and learn to love who i am and where i am now.. for how cheesy that sounds 😭

i am glad i finally got a bit of closure on this though. i knew my dad was still around somewhere, but not knowing anything beyond "he's alive" for so long left me with a lot of questions, now mostly answered. it's nice to know he seems to be doing good and that he's there for my younger sisters (not sure about my step sister, but i have an additional half sibling that i never met beyond a few times as a toddler and it seems she's fine too). i know that social media doesn't tell all and is usually finely curated to share the best moments, but i'm saying this in comparison to my mother who would never in a million years do what he seems to be doing.. down to having custody of his kids LMAO.

i don't think i'll ever reach out to any of them though. i know my dad still thinks of me once in a blue moon, as he's dedicated a birthday post to me some years ago on a now deleted profile, but if you can imagine.. i think my change in the last 13 years or so is a bit more drastic than just growing up. not to mention they have their own lives going on and it all seems just fine.

i guess if he ever does try to find me, he'll find out that my former step uncle (different one who is still alive) who teased him about only having girls was wrong LMAO. but i dont think he could ever find me unless he got in contact with my older sister who isn't doing too hot rn, or my mother.... and if it's my mom he goes through, i sure as hell hope he thinks finding his now son was worth it. i sure as hell wouldnt go through talking with my mom if i was him.

i dont think i ever made a post so long and detailed about my life on here??? if someone fsr actually read this... hi :) why did you do that? you are silly

#diary #very long and personal post. you can read it idc but its primarily about finding my father and there is a quick death mention Unrelated

[ppnuggie]

hi hi congrats on 300 followers!!! (Imo you deserve a million but i mean everyone starts somewhere)

This ask is for the 300 follower special!!

personality :: for this part I'll put good and bad personality traits that I have

Good// I've been told that in general I'm a really nice person and that I care a lot for others,,which i do,, I'm very protective over people that I care about and love,, and will not hesitate to throw hands with somebody who disrespects them,, even if I clearly can't win in a fight,, I'm very open to people that I care about,, and I share a lot with them,, I always try to be there for people,, whether they're a good friend or not

Bad// I've also been told that I'm really gullible and will believe just about anything anyone says,, which is also true,, I tend to let myself be used as a doormat for other people,, I'm also a really needy / clingy person,, another thing is that I'm really touchy person,, not sure if that's a good or a bad thing but I put it here anyways,, especially to people I love I always feel the need to be around them and or touching them in some way,, not in the weird kind of way but touching them like holding their hand,having a hand on their shoulder, Etc,, one last thing is that im really quick to trust people,, it has faded over the years with lots of people coming and going,, but even so I am really quick to trust people

For likes and dislikes,, im not sure if you mean 'what i like in a person' or 'things you like in general', but im assuming you mean things in general

likes :: rainy days,, especially when its dark outside,, reading books about things that interest me,, binging movies/tv shows,, playing video games,, talking to my best friend for hours about literally nothing,,the smell of diesel fuel- (im not joking),,watching youtube,,drawing,,the smell of new alcohol markers,, reading tf x reader fics,,hugs,, and cuddles <3

dislikes :: when someone leaves the faucet water purifier on,, being disrupted when im focused on something,, people talking when im trying to focus,, losing my concentration,, when someone takes wayy to long to respond,, people judging me for how i look and the things I like,, not being able to be myself,,yelling,,and when someone is mean to me or my loved ones

fandom :: Transformers!! Either tfp or bayverse u can pick:)

any sort of gender preference :: male please!! Thank you:))

Also just some facts that might help: i wear glasses that always slide down my nose,, i almost never wear shoes in the house,, and i have a big bumblebee plush from g1 that i always carry with me :)

tysm !! 🥹🥹 im slowly gaining some <33 but hopefully ill reach my next goal ,, 500 followers 😎😎 also i wear glasses too but they slide down too 😭😭 i dont wear them unless im watching smt on tv tho 💀💀 i just cant see too far away ,, heres your matchup thoo !! tysm for being a follower of mine and supporting my content 🥹❤️🙏 i went with tfp with this as well :D also i do like the smell of gasoline too 💀💀 ion know why but i do ,, not that i actively participate in smelling it 💀😭

𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐃 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 :

- ratchet

- breakdown

𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐋𝐔𝐃𝐄𝐒 :

- ratchet

• whilst ratchet comes off as disinterested or grumpy most the times ,, he does have a slight interest towards you

• he does like that you care a lot for everyone at base ,, but he doesnt say anything about it

• occasionally he’ll spare you a genuine smile or two ,, not much for pda but in private moments he doesnt mind your hands all over him

• he’ll let you set on his shoulder or rest against his helm if it makes you feel better <3

• he doesnt play video games ,, but he can agree that he does love rainy days on earth ,, the soft raindrops bring him comfort and peace

• he can also relate to the losing concentration part 💀 he cant stand it

- breakdown

• hes more loud then ratchet is and more energetic then the old medic

• but it isnt much of a bad thing ,, he does tone it down when hes around you ,, taking notice of your dislike towards yelling

• he’ll definitely play games with you in his mass displaced form tho :D !!

• and for rainy days ,, he’ll take you on drives so you can experience it ,, he’ll drive slow and smooth ,, play soft music and just enjoy both of your guys’ comfort

• he will also binge movies with you ,, he is interested in what you humans come up with for entertainment anyways

• he doesnt mind touching either ,, he really loves it 🥹 he loves your affection a lot <33 so you dont gotta worry about that

𝐒𝐂𝐄𝐍𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐎 :

soft rain pattered against the window ,, rolling down and away from your view. the sky was a dark grey ,, the sun nowhere to be seen. warm air blew through breakdown’s ventilation ,, keeping you cozy in his alt mode as he drove slowly down the empty road.

he found out that you had enjoyed the rain ,, and soon grew to understand why. he even had a special place in his spark for the weather on earth. even if he wasnt much a fan of the cold or super hot days ,, he didnt mind the rainy weather. not only didnit provide a nice free shower but also time with you.

soft melodies played out his radio ,, strolling down the black road and going who knows where. the scenery was calm and peaceful ,, the moment you two shared would definitely be cherished.

#🏷.300 follower event

[seilon]

i know i havent been checking my messages for like two weeks. dont ask me why i dont fucking know either dude. i really dont know whats wrong with me i really dont know why im like this. believe me if you think you're the only one ive ghosted recently you're not. its everyone. literally everyone. no reason whatsoever. its very easy to do when you literally have no friends that see you in real life ever and havent seen anyone more or less since december of 2021. so like. yeah. whats anyone gonna do? no ones going to come to my fucking door to see if im okay or just to break into my isolated nightmare box. no one has an interest in doing that. ive had to plead to get anyone to consider seeing me and theres really no point and its not their fault either because it is a major inconvenience because i am so so so far from anyone and its so so so much easier to just. not try to get anyone to do anything. its so much easier to exist in stasis even if it kills me. like i said no one will do anything about it. nothing will stop me from slowly destroying myself. i wont stop me either. i hate every task i have to complete and everything in my life that could break my constant nothingness despite the fact that i hate my constant nothingness at the same time. there's no way to win and theres no way out and theres no point to anything. really seriously no point. the further removed i get from everyone and everything the easier it is to fade away completely if i so choose. im basically there already. i wish i'd do something drastic to myself to make the world feel real again and to make my life feel like it has any kind of real odds to it and a selfish disgusting part of me wishes i would because of the oh so common reasoning of getting people to treat me like i have any importance instead of me always having to beg pathetically for anyone's attention in real life. i exist almost solely in my own head these days. im only able to handle fiction and i bury myself so deep in it that maybe, hopefully i can forget my life as a real person, and i can feel things even if they're for stupid imaginary reasons. its been like this for a long time but its to an extreme right now. i dont want to remember who or where i am. i dont want to be reminded i exist and the world exists around me. i dont remember what its like to have friends in my everyday life that i dont have to worry about disappointing or annoying or embarrassing. its been so long. much longer than just the time since ive moved. its been at least a few years. it seems nice, thinking back on past experiences, at different times in my life. but unfortunately it doesnt seem like i was built to maintain friendships, let alone to make them. i'm manufactured to fail or sabotage myself. i am built to be unlovable, regardless of who may like me on the internet, or like me on a shallow level otherwise. anything deeper than that has lead me to more pain and complication than if i didnt talk to anyone at all, so i guess it makes sense why i'd end up here.

my relationship is doomed and has been for a while now, and i cant make myself care that much anymore. he doesnt talk to me and i dont talk to him. he doesnt know what i do and i dont know what he's doing, other than that he has a life and people he cares about more than me on an everyday basis by a long shot. hes almost a stranger to me at this point. he wouldn't notice if i was fucking dead unless someone were to contact him about it however long after the fact. i know this because i havent spoken to him in days if not weeks and he couldnt care less. i am not a part of his life anymore and i cant help that. i've numbed myself to it for now. who knows what my mind will think of it on some other day but as it stands right now i dont know him and i cant push myself any longer to try and be a part of his life when he clearly does not care if i am or am not. he very easily can exist without me and has been doing so for quite some time. he has other people, i dont. that's just how it is. im not a good person to put faith into in a relationship in general, friendship or otherwise, because just look at me. ive ghosted everyone i know for like two weeks for no fucking reason and with no warning or explanation. i dont even know what the explanation is. i am fundamentally empty and with the bleakness of everything over the course of the last however many years i've given up hope that that emptiness will be filled in a more than superficial way. in a more than fleeting way. no one's going to do anything for me. there's no point. theres nothing in it for them. why would you go out of your way for a husk of a person who cant give you anything of value in return. whos not reliable or stable in any way shape or form. who cant function like a person no matter how many fucking antidepressants and stimulants and whatever the fuck else he takes. writing all of this i feel like a normal person would be crying. i feel like i would be crying at some point prior in my life. but i havent at all, nor have i felt any urge even close to doing so. i think that tells you how empty i am and how much i am resigned to whatever this is. i've wasted three years of my life rotting in silence and solitude, why think anything's going to change? and what's worth changing anyway? again, there's really nothing here to salvage. i wonder how much time i have left in me to just sit here and hate everything and dissociate and dissociate and dissociate because at this rate i doubt its much.

i'll go find something to distract myself with like i always do. spend my time on mundane tasks because they're reliable and take up space in my otherwise empty life. i doubt i will do anything productive that involves thought. i want to avoid everything more. i hate myself for it and i hate my life for it. i dont wish to die so much as i wish to not exist. they overlap of course but i feel the need to clarify that because its less about self loathing and more about the loathing of life as a whole, existence as a whole. it's not meant for me. i am not built to be sustainable. my head hurts.

#kibumblabs #long post #delete later #i absolutely will regret this and delete it later #at the moment though i just dont give a shit anymore #i can post whatever i want literally who fucking cares #negative

[the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see]

oh my god oh my god, i’m wearing my dress on saturday!! tree we are officially living in parallel universes. also your dress sounds so pretty, go live your best cottage core life bestie! (also we totally took dumb photos at prom that is a thing that happened, it’s now canon in the tree-indi universe)

the world is tiny and there’s are a reason it spins in circles- i’m so freaking happy you got to meet your friend!! and come out to them!!

also at prom i met an acquaintance from middle school who got me into the queer side of the internet. and we weren’t friends or anything but i still cried and hugged her when i saw her. there are just some people in the world who completely change your life.

*also every time you mention coming out to more people, just know i’m rooting for you! ilysm harsha!*

awww tree, you partner sounds so sweet, i’m so happy for you babe!! the only telugu terms of affection i know come from movies lmao, but my favorite is banagru konda- like a mountain of gold! that’s so cute! <3

honestly, leave your mark bestie. also i graduated high school and i wrote my initials on the wall, so i understand the urge to be remembered lol.

*rests chin on top of your head cause your itty bitty* mWah! mWah!

i wrote half of this ask like two months ago and finally sent it today, so srry it’s been forever, but tell me what you’ve been up to! 🥰

- indi <3

grrr this is the sixth time i'm rewriting this tumblr better work now!!

YESS WE MATCH!!!!!! it was super fun, i spent a lot of time on the lake and got to talk to one of my friends for hours so i was really happy. we did take photos and we goofed off in a photo booth and all our pictures look horrible but we love them!! hugging you!!!!!!!!!!!

omg.............. youre so right. how dare you blow mind with only a few words im kissing you rn >:( !!!!!!!!!!!! it was really nice to be able to talk to them after so long and it felt so surreal bc like. we're both completely different people now and its like i know i know you but i dont really know you anymore but i still want to connect with you anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!<333

awhhh im so happy for you!!!!! imagine how strange it would be if you hadnt known them, we never would have met!! :( that is too scary to think about i love you too much and youre the bestest. truly i am mad the whole world doesnt know you but im quite content to have you allllll to myself 🥰

*awh im rooting for you too!! and also to myself. if it werent for the tiny tree hanging upside down from my ribcage and swearing at me, i would not even be here. thanks spideytree! u r a real one. i love you more*

they ARE and i love them to pieces<33 i completely forgot about bangaru konda!! im adding it to my list. no one has ever used pet names for me so the only ones i know are from movies too!! be glad i didnt start singing bangaru kodi pitta honestly. no hate to jeevi garu, but. that song fucks in ways i do not want it to fuck. also i recently remembered chiluka, like parrot so im going to use that too.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! are you excited to leave, or more nervous about the future? give me ALLL the details ilysm!! with your encouragement i will write tree all over the place! or maybe i will draw little trees everywhere? well i cannot draw. much to think about!

*reaches up on my tippy toes and still barely reaches your shoulders (youre 5'6", right?) and gives you a little kiss on your shirt* mwaH! mwaH! mwah!

dont worry, i love hearing from you no matter what<33 ilysm<3

my internship started monday! we're virtual every day minus thursdays, the first day, and the last day. its really fun, i get paid to sit around and listen, and raid the snack bar every hour!! im living. truly in my gwen stacy era. also one of the facilitators is really hot 😳 he's colombian but he grew up in greece so he's got this cute accent and he told me i had a kind gaze and thats why he's been inadvertently staring at me when he talks to the group of us. we got into an argument over time travel and free will today (plus a couple other interns) and he's super smart and we were literally yelling at each other for 15 minutes straight and the other facilitator had to come break it up bc the five of us were about to brawl lmao. its been really nice!

also im working my way through a ninjago rewatch and im taking more of a liking to cole now, where before jay and kai were my favorites. kai is still top tier but cole is very quickly climbing up. they are so gay!!!!!!!!! *froths at the mouth* IM EATING THEM

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! stay safe and have fun and give the moon a kiss before you go to bed and i will give the moon a kiss before i got to bed and it will be like we are sending kisses to each other!!<33333

#also im craving pani puri so much bc of the ms marvel episode im going to DIE #do you watch ms marvel? #indiphannon #asks #the tree speaks

[axesilly]

i cant afford therapy so im going to talk about my troubles on here because i dont know what else to do 👍 i dont know if this will reach anyone but it might make me feel better. sorry if its a bit lengthy, ive had these feelings for a while

for the sake of anonymity and my own safety i will not be mentioning any names of people, towns, or schools :]

so im in college, im an art major. im from a small town with nothing to do except go to a mall the next town over and im going to college in another small town 5 hours away from home. this small town also has jack shit to do unless you drive 45 minute to an hour away. im currently in my spring semester of my freshman year and i have gotten so absolutely mentally and physically drained since i got a fast food job. i got a job making pizzas at yknow one of those big chain corporations pizza places, and the store i work at has only been open a few months. its absolutely chaotic and no one knows how to do anything except a few select people. my boss, the general manager, also doesnt know how to do anything because its his first time doing something like this. one of the other managers also only works there because hes friends with the general manager and he is not the greatest person, as he tends to sexually harrass the staff including a friend i made there. now ive already put in my two weeks last saturday, but that doesnt take away from how drained this job has made me.

Since the spring semester started ive been constantly piled with work (one week i was scheduled 6 days in a row when i had a big project to work on, i had a breakdown at work to my general manager), writing assignments, and project after project. (not even kidding my drawing professor gives us a new project the same day we turn one in) in my senior year of high school i loved fine arts and i believed that i wanted to follow in my art teachers footsteps and pursue my love of art and make art for my career. and while i do still love fine arts and making art, i just cannot do this constantly. since just before my spring break i started not going to my classes as consistently and i swore to myself i would start going again after the break. well that break just made it worse it seems because everything has just gone more and more downhill. i have still been missing classes because some days its difficult to get out of bed and i do not have the motivation to go to class just to sit there and not be able to pay attention for an hour/hour and a half. im behind on a project for one of my classes because i havent gone since ive been back from spring break (two weeks). i have an exam for one of my classes soon and im not even close to prepared. i had a 3 page essay due last night i started but havent finished (luckily i can turn it in a little late). it may sound lazy but these are my real struggles with my mental health. i feel trapped here. i do have a license and a car, i do have transportation so i can go places, but its such an old car it has so many problems (one which has arisen recently being if i stop somewhere and turn my car off, it wont crank back up immediately and i have to wait 10-15 minutes, and once it is on i have to revv it to make sure it stays on). so because of car problems and currently living in a small town im frustrated because it feels like i cant go anywhere to do anything fun. i feel trapped in my dorm and in my mind.

now comes the college problem. the college i go to currently is a nice school, i get 8 meals a week on my meal plan included in my tuition. theres several places to choose from the eat at, theres a gym, free health exams i think. but its driving me insane seeing the same old brick buildings every damn day. i currently dont have a roommate so im in a dorm by myself which probably contributes to this feeling of lonliness. i dont really have many friends, i had more last semester but they did not keep in touch. i do have one friend that i appreciate very much and she always worries and wants to help when she sees im upset. shes a real one. but seeing the same things, learning about the same repetitive lessons every single day, has driven me insane. my art history class has been the same topics since the start of the semester, its all been about works of art pertaining to jesus, and mary, and god and the angel telling mary shes pregnant and marys purity and this symbolizing that and i understand why its important to learn about these works of art and how they have shaped art today, but i cannot stand hearing the same things over and over. im not a christian, and i dont believe theres anything wrong with christianity as long as youre not hurting anyone with your beliefs, but these topics are so repetitive ever class i have. the semesters almost over and we havent even gotten to modern art yet, and in my opinion thats what truly matters to learn about because thats what we as artists would need to look at to have a reference for how we should make our art right? art is about expressing yourself and we need to see how others making art in the modern era are expressing themselves as well. and on the topic of expressing ourselves, my drawing class, every single project, my professor has us stick to such strict criteria. one of my projects my professor actually really liked, i liked, but she took points off because i had my girlfriends name written very small where you could barely even see, because we were not supposed to have any text. i feel like i cannot even be creative and truly express myself with these projects. i dont feel like i have any real freedom with them. i love fine arts and i love making art, but not when its like this. i want to be able to make my own art that actually expresses my feelings, not someone elses criteria. because of all of this my grades have been rapidly dropping.

now i have already made the decision weeks ago that i will not be returning to this school in the next fall semester. i discussed this with my mom already as she does the majority of my paperwork and things for this stuff. she wants me to transfer to a college closer to home so i can atleast get a general studies degree. but thats not what i want to do either. she told me not to flunk my classes this semester because that will make it difficult to transfer me to another school, but how do you expect me to get good grades when i constantly feel like im in hell in my mind. i mentioned wanting to maybe take a gap year, she doesnt want me to do that. school is horrible for my mental health like this, i dont understand why society thinks we should just have everything we want to do with the rest of our life figured out immediately out of high school. well i dont. and i dont want to stay in college immediately out of high school. i want to go live my life! me and my girlfriend are long distance (we have met in person several times and shes actually coming to visit me this month, but just seeing each other for a week at a time is not enough) and i really want to go live with her! i want to enjoy living and living with the person i love more than life itself! i currently dont feel like i can do that here or back home. i want to move somewhere else with my girlfriend so we can both be happy and love life. i want to move out of state to a slightly bigger city, nothing crazy like new york or atlanta, but just somewhere bigger than a small town with nothing to do whatsoever. i do have a place in mind but im not going to say where. and when i move, after a year i can qualify for in state tuition and pursue something that makes me happier. ive always loved animals and marine animals so i was thinking i could major in zoology and marine biology and work at an aquarium or something while im working on my degree. and i dont fully know how the paperwork and things work for transferring and such, especially after a break, so i could be in the wrong, but is it really wrong for wanting the best for myself?

and to be honest with myself i know exactly why im in college and its not to get a degree. i was raised constantly being compared to my siblings. my brother is trans (which my parents are very obviously not too fond of) dropped out of college and joined the military. my sister dropped out of college after a semester, got married to a horrible man who she just recently divorced after having two children with him. and being compared to them all my life, especially to my brother, made me want to be better than them. i wanted to be the one, as the youngest, to be the first one to get through college immediately, all four years, no problem. but its just too much for me. and dropping out, moving away, im terrified. im terrified that my parents will be disappointed in me. im terrified of that face my mother makes, that tone of voice, when shes disappointed in me for something. im terrified of getting lectured and told why everything i want is wrong. its irrational. and im terified if i move away i wont have her support anymore. i wont have her to lean on when i need help with something. i was never taught where to go or how to do stuff for applying to colleges and transferring. i barely know how to do my taxes.

now i really dont know what this article-like rant of a tumblr post is gonna do. i know i dont really have a following and i dont really post on here. but i just thought itd make me feel better to collect my thoughts and put them all together like this. so far the only people concerned about me have been my girlfriend and a couple of my friends ive told about these problems. not even my professors are concerned about me, i havent even gotten a single email or question about how im doing. they say theyre all for mental health but when a student stops coming to class as often suddenly and starts failing or not turning in assignments its none of their business and i must just be getting lazy and im a horrible student yknow? anyways i think thats about it for this. again i dont really know what this will do but i hope someone has advice or support or something. im going insane here.

love to anyone else suffering similar struggles <3

#college #mental health

[blackvail22]

i have to write down what im gonna say to my counselor because i genuinely have to make sure i have all of my thoughts straightened out so i dont blank like i always do

ok

my sister moved out on friday and saturday. it feels easier than last time, but it still doesnt feel right. like, i look at my clock when it's almost 4 and i think "oh, my brother will be home soon" and then it reaches 5 and im like "oh, my sister will be home soon" but they never arrive. its a sad realization every time but... yeah. i hung out with my sister and her friend on friday when my sister started moving. her friends personality is very... big, loud, but she can't help it so i dont mind it. my mood went from reserved -> opening up -> starting to be myself -> shut down. like, i was fine until i jokingly said "you have friends?" to my brother, when i know that he does..., and he said "i have more than you" and then he said that my online friends dont count. which, sure... i dont leave my house to see and hang out with them, but they're still friends; i still hang out with them somehow. idk, it just made me feel like .... idk what the word is.... it was just on the spot, and the way everyone was looking at me.. its like i was scared. not like anxiety-scared, but scared-scared. i dont really know why, though? i mean, actually.... i do have a bf and it kinda felt like they were invalidating that (even though they dont know about it and actually only .... hmm.... a few people know aobut it but i digress) but other than that, i dont really get it? it felt like they thought i was just being overdramatic when i said "they dont really hang out with me though" . ANYWAY yeah, i felt sad after that and like my walls went up too. on saturday i dont remember anything significant happening.. ijust remember i worked that day. i worked sunday too. after work on sunday, i have a lot of time because i had an early shift. i started to clean up all of the clothes i have everywhere. i mean, i guess i did alright, but my room still isnt clean somehow so. oh, also late that night i tried moving my bed into my sisters old room and i couldnt drag it like i could my other mattresses because theres a protector on it, so i got my bed, like, stuck and i slept on the floor of my sisters old room LOL it was kinda nice though. monday my brother got the bed in the room and it was nice. i put my desk in this room too. i dont have many of my things in here. i like how little things r in here. sometimes when i have too much stuff in a space i feel like so.... panicked. idk. i like how empty it feels in here. i might never put the rest of my stuff in here lol. uhh and then tuesday (yesterday) i worked as usual. i was talking with my old coworker though about life n stuff and she mentioned how she was looking for a roommate for when she rents and appartment and i offered to be her roommate so thats something now. i havent told anyone else about it because i feel like my mom and dad would be like pissed off which.... doesnt make a lot of sense to me because im less than 3 weeks away from being 18 and i told her i wouldnt rlly be able to move in until early september because of my surgery but anyway.... it makes me anxious to think aobut anyway because i dont have a license UHHH so ... itll be so hard getting to and from my appts and going to and from work. so thats kinda stresful but yeah that was my week. so much to talk about!!!

i stg me talking abt all of this is going to leave me with 45+ minutes to fill because all of this is like nothing LOLLLl

[scrmngtts]

Okay ive been thinking about it now for 2 days and I think i really wanna write it what happened about our date.

SO FIRST OFF, I got pissed off early on because he said he was gonna be like 30mins late for our movie. And that really pissed me off.. I just said, okay.. ofcourse im not gonna tell him that Im pissed off. But i think he sensed it bc i just reply smtg like.. “Oh ok then”

Then he said he was joking.. 🙄🙄

But i didnt read his msg that he was just joking so for like 30mins i was so pissed. I was thinking to myself this is gonna be the last time im gonna hang out with him.. cuz man its such a turn off honestly.. like?? Yknow we had plans, you shud be prepared and then hes gonna tell me hes going to be 30mins late??? Also he doesnt have work that day, if he had work i wud have understand but no. He wasnt doing anything prior so why is he gonna be late?? So that was going thru my mind for 30mins and when i saw his msg i was so upset and relieved at the same time that he was just joking..

Fast forward now, we saw eo.. we watched Spiderverse! :) I really enjoyed that a lot. Still so funny tho, even more funnier cuz ive seen some memes that made it funnier. Also, him beside me laughing is so cute! Man.. am i down bad again? So yeah that was the movie part. Nothing really much happened.

Then after movie, we went to the mall to walk around.. he said he was looking for some daily shorts.. so we visited a few shops. We saw his bestfriend.. we just talked for a bit, it was nice seeing her but ngl it felt really weird and by that time i felt smtg.. like a tinge of uneasiness.. idk how to act and idk what to say.. i mean do i invite her to come with us?? But its our date idk how he will feel as well.. but at the same time idk if he knows that hes gonna meet his friend.. that was really weird to me but i didnt pay attention too much of it.. i was just worried that ill act awkward and wudnt be able to convey my own feelings nicely.. but after that we said our goodbyes and we started walking to the restaurant..

Tbh.. at that point i just wanna go home, the mood wasnt really it anymore.. idk what it was but i feel like i accepted it already that this is not gonna work out.. sometimes i really dont like how hes so into himself like?? He likes to dress up and such and he cares for his looks but sometimes for me i think its a bit much.. idk..

We got to the restaurant, we waited for a bit then we ate.. i didnt like the main course.. i ordered chicken alfredo but i do like the soup that comes with it so i got 2 soups cuz he doesnt want his soup. There, while eating we got to talk more.. i feel like this time around is very different from our first date night out when it was for my bday. I had fun talking yo him.. he did ask me about my preferences in a guy.. its funny cuz whenever i say smtg like,, i wud say i dont want a lazy person

He wud react and be like.. damn im a lazy one..

I told him, i want someone who is thoughtful..

And he laughed, im not thoughtful just so yknow.. im really not..

And in my head.. why r u telling me that?? I already know ure not also im not telling u to be thoughtful to me..

And it went on and on.. we keep getting sidetracked with other stuff so we kept repeating the qs and as.

I did tell him that Spiderverse played a huge part in my life, like it really inspired me. I told him the part what got me and i told him i know its cringe..

But he said its not cringey at all.. and that made me happy :))

It went on and on until we got to dessert. He asked me when were about to end if we can walk around first before going home.. tbh i wanted to go home right after but since he asked :> also i lowkey wanna spend time with him so ofc i said yes! At this point im really comfy talking about anything with him, i was honest with my as and such, also the qs he was asking i did ask him as well. It was nice getting to know him.. tho i think i already know the stuff we talked about..

He did say smtg about hes a firm believer that theres always a way. Which i admire him for it… okk thats it for now i guess..

(Im tired will take a break here and continue tmr)

(back now- continuing where i left off)

so when we left the restaurant, i suddenly remember what is one of the main things i like about someone and that is, he cannot be negative in life. i told him that the person i want is not pessimistic. then he said, somewhere along the lines like..

"im not pessimist but im realistic."

and i said, thats fine. thats different tho. you can be realistic without being pessimistic.

then he says, thats what i like about you tho, youre so positive. not all people are like that. then i answered him, cuz i dont want to be negative!

tbh i feel like life is already sad and challenging? but its up to u if u wanna stay that way. like, life isnt always good for me but i dont wanna dwell on it. i always wanna look at the brighter side. he did say that not all days are good days. and its true! i know that and its hard to stay positive but still, life is only what you make it. i iddnt tell him that but.. i got really really happy and fuzzy and warm inside we he said that thats what he like about me being positive. :D because i do want to give positivity to people eventho im not always positive. im just faking it till u i make it basically. but i always tell myself i cant be sad all the time. i cant be like my classmate M who always so negative bc once u think negative thoughts it reflects on ur life. so only happy and positive thoughts.

so yeah that is one of my requirements, i dont want that gloomy energy in my life so i told him that. then we kept walking, harbour front is so pretty at night, im sad i didnt take a photo of the scenery.

one of the core memory of that date was when he said i was dramatic, in a good way. and i was baffled! i was like ??? excuse me? im not dramatic T.T then he goes on and explained that im dramatic in a good way. like: oh my god? you are lifting? oh my god? that is so cool!

and im just there listening to him like??? no im not like that! but he still kept going saying yes you are like that.

i guess im really expressive sometimes.. idk?? but yeah then we just going and going.. cant even remember half of the things we talked about..

only thing we got us going home is looking for a washroom.. cuz we wanted to go pee and we cudnt find one lol.

so yeah i guess ill end it here then ill add more as i remember things.

#12:27am #4:40pm #7/10/23-7/13/23

[mardoufox21111]

jucant remember what i wrote last. nothing interesting hs happened anyway. work has been ok, people are ok but always want to have lunch with me and i would prefer to eat it alone. i had a pasta on friday because i thought yolo and it was pretty good. other than that life has been okay. d has been annoying but with work i dont have to see her as often - only on weekends really. which is nice. although still very very annoying. i feel like i am doing a bit better mentally, not having that constantly nagging at me or criticising me. im able to go and get some relief, even though work is boring af. 

i have a job interview on tuesday and it pays 76-80k! which will be the first time ive been able to be in a $$ category that big. i forgot to mention t has almost been as bad as d.. he just throws me under the bus all the time. and is a jerk. he has been trying to cause conflict. he also doesn thave a job. apparently at the end of the month but i thought it ws the 6th. which means all his bs will come back onto me. i hope he doesnt stay home. well i hope i win lotto tonight and can move out. i looked at rental prices to see if i could finally move out with my 80k which is 60 taxed, nope!! everything is 700+ and its not even that good. in other news nothing has happened haha but like i was saying my mind has been ok... without these 2. imagine if i had my own place, i would be excelling. work i have been putting myself out there and speaking to new people. no one has called me quiet at all. would love to win 20k for 20 years. i would wake up, make myself breakfast, go for a walk, maybe work out as well. start writing. have lunch or go somewhere and have lunch. come back, have a nice long bath relax, watch tv, have dinner, watch some more tv or read and relax and sleep. life would be really nice. i am trying to think, after this is done if i do get the 80k job do i keep it for a year or 2 and then just go do something like take a year off work and relax the fuck out. it was my plan all along before when i was on cetnre i was like ill work for a year and then ill take a year off.. write.. enjoy. now you cant get any kind of rental anyway so its kind of impossible. but maybe down south or something. i just know i am more than these meaningless jobs. i know i ccan be a successful writer i just need to give myself the opportunity to do so. i cant do it on weekends because i need to relax, these people drive me nuts.