#bc I know I’ll have to alter the course of my day

[wh0relibrarian]

sunshine

a/n: a continuation of this post, although altered to be a summer break instead of winter. completely got lost in that 😭 please excuse any informalities, i’m still getting used to writing in second person (or smut for that matter), and tumblrs post format! so don’t be mean ;(

context (if you don't want to read the previous post): Reader is visiting her hometown for the summer. A rising grad student who just so happens to bump into Sukuna at the airport. After quick introductions, he gives her his number in case she gets too lonely...

content ahead: southern sukuna au, black coded!reader, afab!reader, d referred to as dick bc i don’t like using “cock”, v referred to as cunt or pussy, age gap (reader in her early 20s, sukuna is in his early 30s), cowgirl, daddy kink, rough!sukuna (but he’s still a softie), needy!reader, clit stimulation, nicknames such as sweetheart, princess, baby/babydoll, creampie, ass/face slaps, lots of praise, a decent amount of plot

word count: 3.9k

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

You’ve been texting Sukuna for a week now. Off and on, trying not to seem too interested, but interested enough to keep his attention. It sucked that he was a man very obviously out of touch with technology, because you can’t find pictures of him anywhere. Not even a Facebook page. You’ve just been grasping at straws, trying to remember each detail of his face. Each tattoo. You didn’t even get enough time to admire the one’s on his face, way too engulfed in his general appearance.

And oh, Sukuna. That poor man. He knew from the moment he saw you that you’d keep him up at night. From the curvature of your lips— only being the opening act to the beautiful smile you had hidden beneath. He tries to remember what color your shirt was, but can only remember how plump your tits looked. Practically spilling out of a… tank top? Or maybe it was a crop top. You had a jacket on, which he knows was gray because you kept trying to wrap it around your waist like you were embarrassed by your body. He couldn’t figure out why, though. You’re beautiful from head to toe, every part of you.

But today, today was the day you’d ask him to take you out. Or just ask to go out in general. Hell, you’d take anything at this point.

You: Hiii Sukuna. How’s your wrist feeling? I know a couple days ago you said it was progressively getting worse, any updates?

Sukuna: Hey babydoll. I think it’s all good now. Nothin a lil icyhot can’t fix. How are you?

You: I’m happy to hear that :) and I’m okay, just bored, per usual.

Sukuna: Ya know I’m always around.

You: It’s funny you mention that… I was wondering if you were busy later today? Or tonight. Either or, whatever works best for you. If you would even want to do anything of course.

Sukuna: City girl finally ready to get some sunshine?

You: Don’t make fun of me 😑

Sukuna: Oh I’d never do such a thing. Are you free right now? My lunch break’s comin up, could use the company.

You: Yes I am! I can be ready in 15, I’ll send my address.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

You weren’t as nervous as you thought you’d be. You know you looked good, you felt good. You put on a casual outfit, just a pair of bell bottoms and some old t-shirt your mom left around. This wasn’t a date, and you didn’t want to scare him, so you treated it like a normal hang out with a friend.

He picked you up in an old pickup truck, run down from the years spent riding on dirt roads and an occasional swamp. (Things can get messy the further south you go.) It was normal where you’re from to have at least one beat up truck per household, so his car was not a problem. You were all smiles, nearly skipping your way to the passenger side. Sukuna rolled down the window and he too had a bright toothy smile plastered on his face. It almost looked malicious, but you overlooked it once you got in. Something about his presence had you in a trance, you couldn’t focus on anything else but him.

When you opened the door, he stretched his arm out to help you into the chair. You made it a point to act as if you were struggling to get in and shut the door, nerves suddenly keeping you from wanting to look him straight in the eye. “Damn sweetheart… just look at you,” he said while leaning his body back, taking a moment to take in your appearance. “Hiii Sukuna, you aren’t too bad yourself,” you said giggling.

“We’re just goin’ up to Milo’s, hope that’s luxury enough for ya.”

“You think I came dressed like this for somethin’ luxury?”

“Well if that ain’t luxury, I’d be curious to see what is.”

Smirking, Sukuna went back to putting his full focus on the road. The butterflies in your stomach had died down, finding his presence incredibly inviting and safe. You were looking out the window for a while, until his hand found yours which was resting on your thigh. You turn around to him surprised, only to see his eyes still trained on the road in front of him. His hand clasped yours and gripped it tight, and you found the silence warm, like a gentle hug you wanted to last forever.

The lunch date was sweet. You both ordered cheeseburgers, fries, and a large sweet tea; reveling in its taste since it had been some time since you had genuine sweet tea. He started asking you about your schooling, learning that you’re majoring in business and will soon start working on your master’s degree. This charmed him— you were both alike even if it was in different ways. You’ve always provided for your mother, and so has he. You won’t stop reaching new opportunities, and neither will he. As the date went on his attraction only grew deeper. Your physical appearance did not mean much to him, you were to die for, but right now he wanted to know every single thing about you and didn’t care about anything else.

But… this wasn’t to say he’s not a curious man.

When ordering the food, you took a step back to look at the entire menu. This caused your skin tight shirt to rise up ever so slightly, showing off your cute tummy and belly button piercing. You noticed him staring, and he was never one to lie.

“Sukuna, order some damn food and stop looking at me like that,” you slapped his large bicep jokingly, making that same smirk from earlier slowly grow on his face.

“Mmm, you hidin’ that accent from me girl. Soundin’ so pretty bossin’ me around.”

You could tell the cashier felt a bit awkward at this point, so you pushed Sukuna in front of you to get him to focus.

Even though he would have moments like those, you didn’t feel like he was objectifying you. It never became the focal point of your conversations. It seemed like he was genuinely interested in getting to know you and it made you feel so… different. Sure you were young, but you’d never experienced such a natural yet interesting conversation with a man. You were shocked by it, to say the least, and it only made you want him more.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

After that day, you two were basically inseparable. He made it a point to try and see you after work, and if there was a day where he couldn’t do it, he’d make it up to you x2 the next day. He immediately started spoiling you, whether it was food or sending you money for new makeup, it’s like he couldn't do enough for you. You were always beyond grateful, and would even tell him to tone it down a bit, but he’d always say, “Princesses deserve princess things.”

It’d been around four weeks of this, the dates would get more romantic, and his time with you only more cherished. Although the flirting continued to grow, he never made a move on you. You definitely didn’t want to be the one to initiate anything. Maybe there was a reason for him not wanting to get physical, but not even a kiss? It was killing you at this point, every night you spent just dreaming of what his pretty lips felt like on yours. Not being able to help your hands traveling down to your aching pussy. You were so horny it hurt, and nothing you did could satiate the feeling; knowing good and well that his fingers— let alone his dick could reach spots you didn’t even know were there. Your own fingers would suffice for now, but you would be leaving in just a few weeks, you needed to know what Ryomen Sukuna was like in bed.

So, the next time he picks you up, you make sure to look drop dead gorgeous (not like he didn’t think that about you regardless.)

A few days ago, he paid for your hair and nail appointments. Large knotless braids with curly pieces coming out of them, and the prettiest french tip set you’d ever got done. You told him you wanted everything to be a surprise, and that you were planning to get a new outfit as well AND that he didn’t have to send you money for that. But you know he did anyway. The plan for this night was a drive-in movie closer to the heart of the city rather than where you both resided. There was a wing place you loved, different shops, and the movie would be the last activity.

After picking up a new sundress, a black one with thin straps and a slit at the bottom, you felt confident enough that tonight would go well. You took a shower when you got home, lathered your skin with shea butter from head to toe, and put on all the gold jewelry you owned.

There’s no way he wouldn’t want to fuck you dumb.

As always, dinner with Sukuna was to die for. He was such a gentleman, making sure to pull your chair out for you, telling you to get whatever you wanted from the menu. “Don’t be scared sweetheart, want you nice ‘n full.”

You shopped for a little while after, well, it was really window shopping. You felt so bad that Sukuna was paying for everything, even though he always insisted. You decided to just point out all of the things you liked, kind of like a test— if he really liked you then he’d remember all these things for a future event.

The drive-in was dead. Which I guess isn’t too surprising, you can’t remember the last time someone talked about seeing a movie here. Nonetheless, this was your dream scenario. With basically no one to catch you guys, it was the perfect breeding ground (literally.) The movie was some rom-com looking thing in black and white which you begged to watch, only because you knew neither of you would want to pay attention. Once he grabbed some popcorn and soda from the concession stand, he pulled up in front of the big projection, claiming he needed to be as close as possible because of his eyesight. After a few minutes of pretending to be interested, you turned to him and finally broke the ice.

“‘Kuna, do you like me?” Sukuna couldn’t believe the question.

“Of course I like you baby, why else would I be here?”

“Well,” you started, “I don’t know…”

“Oh, you know.”

“I know you like me, it’s just like— we aren’t like… you know.”

“Gonna have to use your words sweetheart.”

You looked forward as you tried to find the best way to say this, you decided to just rip the bandaid off.

“We haven’t kissed! Or anything! You just hug me or wrap your arm around my waist, but we haven’t done nothin’ ‘kuna. And I’m not sayin’ that’s any indicator of how much you like me, I’m just sayin’ it’d be ni—”

You anticipated this kiss, not only because you did everything in your power to set it up, but you could feel Sukuna’s eyes latching onto the way your lips moved while talking. His lips were just as soft as you imagined, tasting like cherry carmex and popcorn. His hand found its way to the side of your face, cupping it gently until he moved it to tilt your chin up towards him. Your mouth opened a little from the change in angle, giving Sukuna’s tongue access to the warmth yours had to offer. He melted deeper into the kiss, and so did you, as it continued to get more sloppy and wet. You could tell he was eager, swirling and dancing on the tip of your tongue, sucking it harshly like he was trying to gather as much saliva as possible. Just to pull back and have it leak out of his mouth, dripping down both his and your chin. It was downright nasty the way your fluids were colliding, but it turned you on an unbelievable amount. Whining and groaning into him, rubbing your thighs together, lacking the correct amount of friction from wearing a dress instead of pants.

Your hand started traveling to his chest and lower, and he could tell you were really riled up at this point simply from the way you were tugging on his shirt. He pulled his lips off yours, making you reach out for him still since your eyes were closed. When you opened them, you were able to see the true mess you two caused. Sukuna was drooling, his heavy lidded eyes not daring to move from your frame. His hair was everywhere, and you couldn’t be happier with your hairstyle of choice.

“Fuck baby,” he said while rubbing on the sides of your stomach, “I really need you. I’ve been needin’ you. Yer just so damn sexy, of course I’ve been wantin’ to do stuff. Just didn’t wanna make you uncomfortable.” He leaned in to kiss your cheek and up to the shell of your ear, “Never want you uncomfortable.”

And that sent you over, you cupped his face with both of your hands, kissing him hard. He growled from your sudden dominance, and with a few swift movements, pulled his seat back and slid you over the middle console and into his lap. Your dress hiked up to your thighs once you straddled him, allowing Sukuna to feel just how wet you were. With one hand on your face, and the other on your waist, he slowly made his way down to your cunt.

“So fuckin’ wet for me,” he whispered against your lips, making slow circles on your puffy clit. “This f’me? Say it’s for me babydoll.”

“It’s for you ‘kuna, it’s all for you. Please–” His fingers slid your panties to the side, revealing just how sticky you were for him. Your pussy was basically crying to be touched, and Sukuna was a gentleman, of course.

His mouth never left yours, left hand now resting behind your neck, while his other is furiously rubbing your bare clit. Your moans were being swallowed by Sukuna’s mouth, and when the pleasure finally got to be too much, you suddenly threw your head back with a yelp. Catching yourself immediately, you press your forehead into his.

“‘M sorry, fuck, ‘m sorry— it’s t-too much.”

“Don’t apologize princess, I love seein’ you act like this. So slutty.”

Your tits have barely been able to stay concealed in your already showy dress. They spilled out on their own from your sporadic movements, and once Sukuna could see one, he dropped everything to unveil the other and fondle them both. You kept grinding on his very hard dick, keeping up the rhythm he set up for you while he went to town on your boobs. Massaging them, pinching and flicking the nipples, mumbling things like “fuckin’ shit they’re so soft,” and “need to fuck you.” It wasn’t long before he popped one into his mouth, sucking on it, making it soo much more sensitive. You were squealing at this point, Sukuna looked up at you to see the tears forming at the corner of your eyes. With a ‘pop’ he brought his attention back to your beautiful face. Somehow fucked out just from dry humping. How cute, he thought to himself.

“Look at me, princess.” You struggled, but your eyes met his, still striving for your release. “‘M gonna fuck you, okay? Is that what you want?” You started nodding your head yes like a damn puppy.

“Need to hear you say it princess. Tell me you want it.”

“Wan’ it s-so bad baby, fuck me, I need you to fuck me.”

The thing about pick-up trucks is that there’s not really a backseat, which means you’d have to ride him right where you were. This wouldn’t have been a problem, until Sukuna quickly pulled down his pants and boxers, revealing probably the biggest dick you’ve ever seen. It was the fucking length that scared you. It wasn’t too thick, but girthy enough that it, plus his length, would have your legs shaking for days. He gave his dick slow strokes while you took off your dress, suddenly feeling embarrassed from being the only one naked. He could see you get self conscious by the way you try and hide yourself like the day he met you.

“Whatcha lookin’ at me like that for,” his eyes were still focused on yours while he prepared himself, licking his lips like he was genuinely going to eat you later.

“I can’t look at ya? You just look so damn good sweetheart. Can’t believe yer all mine.”

“You don’t have to gas me up now,” you said looking away.

“Nuh-uh,” he grabbed your cheeks and turned your face back to his, “I’ma always tell you how good you look. Don’t act so shy now baby.”

Your pussy clenched around nothing at his statement, still leaking from the previous foreplay. He pulled your forehead to his lips, kissing it tenderly, and when he let go of your face he asked you one last time if you were ready. You whisper out a shy yes and grab his dick cautiously, lining it up with your entrance as you slowly lower yourself onto it. You let out a sharp grasp as Sukuna rests his hands on the sides of your hips, trying to assist in any way he can. Once you’re close to bottoming out, he starts whispering praises.

“Doin’ so good babydoll.”

“Look at you takin’ me so well.

Every time he spoke your pussy would clench around him, making him hiss and choke back a whine. Once he was all the way inside you, you let out a breathe you didn’t realize you were holding. You raised your head to look at him instead of the way he was stretching you out. There’s that smirk again. One of his hands finds it’s way back to your clit, rubbing slow circles like before to help you relax. You were so tense but you tried to keep a level-headed face, even though it literally felt like you were being split in two.

You felt your walls get used to his size and shape, feeling them contort and mold into Sukuna’s cocksleeve. With that, you start riding him slowly, using his shoulders to stay balanced. You got the hang of it quickly and began picking up pace. He was still stimulating your clit, using his other hand to keep guiding your body up and down. It was clear that you were struggling to take him all in though, pausing every few seconds to catch your breathe or readjust yourself. And this would just not do for Sukuna.

He gripped and slapped your ass hard.

“Gotta do better than that baby.”

Smack

“C’mon sweetheart, put your fucking. back. into. it.”

Each emphasis on a word was coupled with a hard thrust and loud whines coming from the depths of your throat. The sounds you were both making at this point bounced around the truck. There wasn’t a moment of silence and you felt blissful. Lulling your tongue out just for Sukuna to catch between his teeth; moving his hand back to bully your clit, and using his free hand to grab your face and continue fucking his hips up into yours. He was growling obscenities into your ear, “Yeah baby, just like that keep fucking me like that.”

“Sukuna, please! Fuckfuckfuck I can’t,” you were bouncing on his dick beautifully, tits bouncing in unison and he truly believed you were unreal.

“Yes you can baby,” he gave your face light slaps, “keep those eyes open, keep lookin’ at me baby. Doin’ so good, I promise.” You were leaking like a faucet down his dick and balls, and with a certain thrust, you were sure he was hitting your cervix. The string of cries that came out of your mouth made him go faster, harder, knowing that he finally found the spot that makes you weak.

“Am I makin’ you feel good baby?”

“Mhmm, y-yesss, so so good.”

“Yes who?” Your eyes were crossing trying to look at him, confused at what he meant at first, but as his thrusts got rougher you knew exactly what he was getting at.

“Y-yes daddy, it feels so good.” You were slightly embarrassed by the things you were saying, the noises too. You felt so dirty, but in a good way. Searching for your release that was so close.

Sukuna was close too, but he didn’t want that to come before he made you gush all over his dick. When he found his way to your neck, kissing and biting and sucking on your precious skin, you were done.

“Fuck daddy right there!”

“Here sweetheart? You like this?”

“Yesyesyes don’t stop please don’t stop–” and with a cry you were creaming all over Sukuna’s dick. Your pussy clamped down on him so tight, he couldn’t help but look down at the beautiful mess you made all over his thighs. He kept fucking you through your orgasm, causing you to become incredibly overstimulated. Sukuna was getting close, you could tell by his relentless strokes, forgetting any type of consistent pace. His hands were on your hips now, pistoning up into you as your head rested gracefully on his shoulder.

“Mm babydoll gimme a kiss, c’mere.”

When your shaky lips met his, he was sent into overdrive.

“Fuck ‘m gonna cum. Fuck baby, where do you want it.”

Absolutely fucked out, you tried to come up with some sort of cohesive thought. “I-insi..de ‘kuna. In m-me.”

“You sure? Tell me you’re fuckin’ sure, yer milkin’ me baby.”

“I’m s-sure. Please please just cum inside me!”

“Oh, fuckkk…” Sukuna’s load filled your pussy to the brim, leaking out to coat the sides of his dick. He made you feel so full and warm. Finally stopping his thrusts, you hunch over his shoulder and he begins rubbing what feels like hearts on your back, humming into your ear how good you were for him, dick never leaving your pussy.

“Did such a good job princess. So fuckin’ good, are you an angel? Must be an angel, the way you dropped into my life like this.”

“Mmmm I’m your angel ‘kuna. I was made for you only.”

Although the moment was wholesome, your mind immediately flooded with the thought of you leaving in a few weeks.

How were you supposed to leave after this?

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

hope you enjoyed ;) and let me know if i missed anything as far as my content ahead section goes!

tags: @aiyaaayei

#📕 my books #sukuna smut #sukuna x reader #sukuna x black reader #x black fem reader #jjk men #ryomen sukuna #jjk smut #sukuna ryomen smut #sukuna x you #jujutsu kaisen #had so much fun with this #need more #but it took me a solid 24 hours #off and on #😭😭

[kaionyx]

I go to BYU-Idaho which is a Mormon school. I have a separate Book of Moron for my Latter-day Saint history course and sometimes I’ll write your username over Gods bc it makes me warm and giggly. ✝️

God y’all are really making my worship kink worse by the day. Getting excited over something so simple like writing my name over your god, craving that rush from knowing that it’s so sinful to even fathom worshipping someone like me over them? Such a depraved little slut you are sweetheart.

If only I could be there to drag you to the alter and make them hear you call out for me themselves, that would be fun don’t you think?

#ftm ns/fw #t4t ns/fw #✝️ anon #nsft asks

[pensbridgertons]

Now that Taylor has released her new album, I need you to tell me which songs are perfect for swanfire 👀

OF COURSE 🫡🫡 the best part of getting a new taylor album is getting to add songs to the swanfire playlist

i’ll say that idk if this is a complete list yet bc im not super familiar w the album yet so there might be more i would add later but after a couple listens these are the ones i got (and also some of the lyrics i like/think fit them best):

loml

we embroidered the memories of the time i was away / stitching “we were just kids babe”

i said “i dont mind, it takes time” / i thought i was better safe than starry-eyed / i felt aglow like this / never before and never since

and all at once, the ink bleeds / a conman sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme / but i’ve felt a hole like this / never before and ever since

if you know it in one glimpse, it’s legendary / what we thought was for all time was momentary

i wish i could recall how we almost had it all

our field of dreams engulfed in fire / your arsons match, your somber eyes / and i’ll still see it until i die / you’re the loss of my life

so long, london

i didnt opt in to be your odd man out / i founded the club she’s heard great things about / i left all i knew, you left me at the house by the heath

and i’m pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free

two graves, one gun

you swore that you loved me, but where were the clues? / i died at the alter waitin’ for the proof

just in general the vibes of this one fit them so well

the smallest man who ever lived

was any of it true? / gazing at me starry eyed

and i dont even want you back i just want to know / if rusting my sparkling summer was the goal

the whole bridge fits emmas perspective after neal left sooooo well

imgonnagetyouback

whether im gonna be your wife or / gonna smash up your bike / I haven’t decided yet / but im gonna get you back / whether im gonna curse you out or / take you back to my house / i haven’t decided yet / but im gonna get you back

i hear the whispers in your eyes / i’ll make you wanna think twice / you’ll find that you were never not mine

small talk, big love, act like i don’t care what you did / im an aston martin that you steered straight into the ditch / then ran and hid

even if it’s handcuffed im leaving here with you

told my friends i hate you, but i love you just the same

chloe or sam or sophia or marcus

if you wanna break my cold, cold heart / just say “i loved you the way that you were” / if you wanna tear my world apart / just say you’ve always wondered

if the glint in my eye traced the depths of your sigh / down that passage in time back to the moment / i crashed into you, like so many wrecks do / too impaired by my youth to know what to do

so if i sell my apartment / and you have some kids with an internet starlet / will that make your memory fade from this scarlet maroon? / like it never happened

cause i wonder / will i always / will i always wonder?

peter

honestly this whole song just fits them soooo well esp w the peter pan/lost boy imagery?????

preserved from when we were just kids??? I thought it was just goodbye for now??? you said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me??? promises oceans deep but never to keep??? and i won’t confess that i waited but i let the lamp burn as the men masqueraded i hoped you’d return??? lost to the lost boys chapter of your life??? please know that i tried to hold onto the days when you were mine???

PLS let me know ur thoughts also!!!! <3

#teresa answers #asks #mysteryandnonstopfun

[youandyour150people]

I was supposed to do this test on Saturday and I couldn’t cuz I had been suppressing flashbacks all week and going to class EVERYDAY, and that’s like incredibly epic of me but so exhausting. Like I usually take a day off, to just crash. I just spent the entire day in my bed bc I’m so exhausted. But going to class everyday helps my grades so much. And now I have a zero for that stupid test and I have to talk to the teacher and ask if he’ll grade the late one and if not I’ll just take a freaking hit I suppose but I hate asking for things and I really don’t want to annoy anyone, but like grades are unfortunately heavily associated with my “primary purpose” like why I split off and I’m taking this way too hard and like I don’t feel like my response is reasonable.

Someone took the 4th assessment instead of the 3rd and failed the 4th, bc we hadn’t gone through class. And the stupid proctorio is so freaking stupid too bc it glitched and kicked me out and now I have a stupid zero for that too. And I don’t want to be a bother to the teacher, but like I’m failing the class at this point and it’s literally a be alter every single time. And I don’t know them, I’ve never met them, and yeah there are accommodations n stuff but it’s still really hard and the reason its so freaking hard to take these test is bc I guess we have trauma around cameras(like this and a couple other things that are adding up to some serious stuff and I’m REALLY not liking where all this is going). Like all the evidence is pointing to things I can’t handle and I know I can’t handle but I’m so curious and my headmates are displaying some symptoms that continue to add up to some disturbing stuff and I’m trying not to dig, I am.

Don’t even get me started on how bad these flashbacks are like I thought, “oh my flashbacks can physically get any worse.” And they somehow pulled it off. Somatic flashbacks are THE worst, I’m freaking stuck there for like 5 hours when I should be sleeping. And if I misjudge if the flashback is done or not and go to sleep? I have a horrible nightmare and am so out of it all of the next day, until I have a flashback and it like runs it course so I can break the horrible loop I’m in. And apparently my experience is so “niche”(it’s not) or like I’m explaining it so incorrectly that I can’t find anything on google and I can’t find any articles on how to help or even if anyone has had the same experiences. It so infuriating and I hate it. And I’m going to therapy but it’s hard and I’m with a new therapist so I need to build trust but I don’t want to share my flashbacks bc they are so gross and I hate everything about them. Like I thought the ones where I almost dislocated my shoulder where bad.

Also I have to be moved out BY THURSDAY. and the move in date for my other place? I can’t move in til sept 9th. So I have to say at my sisters place for like a week and sleep on the couch (and try not to have a flashback in front of anyone bc I couldn’t bear how’d they’d see me) and try not to do my passy outy flashbacks as well bc I don’t want to hit my head or pass out in front of anyone.

#tw vent #vent tw #trauma vent #tw flashbacks #tw negativity #don’t even get my started on when I tried to ask for help earlier in the semester this old white man #WHOS JOB IT IS TO HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME #Talk about how life isn’t fair #like he had the means and the resources and simply Refuses to help #yeah life is unfair but it should at least try to do better and not just say #oh well better luck next time #I hate it here #like I’m not fuming but I’m getting there

[broadwayandnetflix]

Snickers Iced Coffee - Bo Burnham x Reader

Warnings: Language

Theme: FLUFFFFF

Request: how abt a fic where the reader is a barista & bo stays late at the coffeehouse while she closes bc he’s avoiding the weather (but is also using it as an excuse to chat her up)

Word Count: 1.7k

A/N: shy BO y’all. I am so sorry for the hiatus. sm shit has been going down and I’m currently in college. but more fics are coming soon. and thanks for requesting @likesthemoon

You eyed him from behind the counter with an amused expression upon your lips. His taller figure definitely making him stand out amongst everyone else.

“You do know we close in five minutes right?” you quip, your lips breaking into a slight grin.

His blue eyes widened at the prospect of being called on. It seems that he had been staring up at the chalkboard menu for quite some time now.

Besides, it wasn’t like rocket science; you worked in a small hideaway cafe in the city. The menu was simple, complete with your standard espresso drinks and teas, except for seasonal beverages.

Yet by the way he was going at it, it appeared as if mocha or caramel were life-altering decisions.

He’s lucky he’s cute, or you would be ready to kick him out the minute you neared close.

He was somewhat a regular in your shop, awkward but charming. Plus, he was tall, and Jenna, your coworker, knew how you liked taller men.

“Oh, I was just thinking about what to order.” he said, clearing his throat.

You cocked your head to the side, and he knew that you could see right through him. His eyes darting to the side, and you exhaled.

“Would you like some help?” you hum, checking your watch.

Three minutes till closing.

His blue eyes crinkled slightly as he shifted his weight to the side. It was apparent that he was anxious, of what you didn’t know.

“Oh, why not? What do you recommend?” he asked.

When it came to the world of Java, you weren’t technically an expert. However, with long event-less shifts came boredom, and thus produced experimental drinks. From the likes of Pinterest, but you’d never let anyone know that.

Now, this wasn’t no Starbucks, but you had to admit you came up with some pretty cool concoctions.

Would this man like said concoctions, you doubted it. However, it would get him a beverage, and you could shut down the cash register for the day.

“Do you like Snickers?” you said after some time.

“Like the candy?” he replied, curiosity in his brow.

“Yes, like the candy.” you deadpanned; he blushed.

“Um yeah, snickers are good.” he said quietly.

“Good, now hot or iced?” you asked as he picked an iced beverage.

Perfect, he was going to be the recipient of your snickers iced coffee. It was pretty simple actually, iced coffee complete with mocha, caramel, and hazelnut syrups. Topped off with a dash of cream, you went to work behind the espresso machine.

You stirred the coffee carefully to incorporate the syrups together, pressed a lid on top, and slid it his way.

He gave you a sheepish grin before giving it a sip.

“Holy shit that’s good.” he exclaimed before looking down at you, with a look you couldn’t quite decipher.

“I know right. I came up with it the other day, or I attempted to make it the other day. It gets boring after awhile when the rush is over.” you admitted while you typed his order into the register.

He took that as notice to pull out his wallet and slipped you a twenty. Which was entirely out of the anticipated price range of the coffee.

You kinda gaped, eyes widening at the gesture, as he gave you a nervous smile. It was definitely a bold move giving you roughly a fifteen-dollar tip for a five-dollar coffee.

“Thank-thank you.” you said, not taking your eyes off of him, obviously shocked.

“Would you wanna go out some time?” he juts out, blue eyes staring intently at you.

You clamped your mouth shut and swallowed. Now you most definitely weren’t expecting this. I mean, would you want to go out with him?

Of course.

The man was practically a nervous wreck while he asked you out. Not so much suave as he had probably hoped.

“You don’t have to- I mean. I don’t know I just think you are so pretty, and I-“the man’s words sloppy and disorganized.

You could see the sweat accumulating upon his forehead, and in a way, it was cute, endearing almost. The fact that this absolute unit of a man was so scared to ask you out.

“When?” you smirked as you opened the cash drawer to start counting for the day.

Out of the corner of your eye, you could see the way his whole face lit up. You pretended to pay no mind as you counted your sales for the day.

“Oh, I didn’t think I was gonna get this far.” he chuckles to himself sheepishly.

He stretches a hand out as if to shake yours. You look at him, trying not to pay attention as to how nicely yours fits into his grip.

Smiling sweetly while he introduces himself as Robert, but for you to call him Bo. You do the same, and his eyes sparkle upon hearing your name.

“Y/N, Y/N, Y/N.” he noted softly, almost as if he’d lose your name.

You slid the remaining bills back into their respective places during close. Eyeing the final price with a satisfied nod, and looked back to see how awful clean-up was gonna be for the day.

Not too shabby.

It almost took you a second to realize that Bo was still there and watching you. And then it hit you; the man doesn’t have your number. Or you don’t have his.

“Shit my bad.” you curse as you quickly write your number down on a stray post it.

“Thank you.” Bo breathes, but you’re already absentmindedly beginning to shut down everything.

“I’ll text you. How about tomorrow?” you suggest aloud.

“Oh god, that’s perfect actually. I swear I’m gonna leave the store. It’s just-.”

You lookup. It’s practically pouring outside, which you could only imagine was gonna be a pain to deal with later. As well as probably why he has been so hesitant to leave. Besides, you wouldn’t want the man to get soaked. Everything clicks into place, and you meet Bo’s eyes once more.

“Wanna help me close?”

“Oh, are you sure? I’m not entirely trained in barista stuff.” Bo replies.

“Oh please, you’ll be fine. Plus I wouldn’t mind getting to know you more.” you jest.

You could see a hesitant glimmer in his eyes before he gives in and joins you behind the counter. His taller statue dwarfing the station, which makes you chuckle as you edge around him.

“Good, now let’s begin.”

#broadwayandnetflix #2021 #bo burnham x reader #bo burhnam #bo burnham x you #make happy #what #words words words #inside #fluff #fanfiction request #fanfiction

[realcube]

trying to be nice to their crush hcs

navi | masterlist | taglist

thank you to 🍦anon for this cute request!

characters: tsukishima, kyōtani, sakusa & suna

content warning: swearing & sexual references 

kei tsukishima 

♡ this is all yamaguchi’s fault （︶^︶）

♡ he found out tsukki had a crush on you bc he mentioned you a lot in conversation so yamaguchi interrogated him for answers then lo and behold, the beanpole had a lil thing for you 

♡ you sit in front of tsukishima in homeroom while yamaguchi sits beside him so when you leaned back and asked him if you could borrow a pencil and he spat back a snarky remark about you being too irresponsible to care for your own pencils, yamaguchi hastily offered you one of his own before scolding tsukishima 

♡ he explained to his clueless friend that being nasty to people isn’t a good way to get them to like you 

♡ so perhaps he should be nicer :)

♡ honestly, tsukishima would’ve just looked yamaguchi straight in the eyes and went ‘no’, if it wasn’t for the fact you shot tadashi the sweetest smile anD PLAYFULLY BLEW HIM A KISS AFTER HE JUST GAVE YOU A DAMN PENCIL LIKE WTF 

♡ after that, he decided to give up his current personality and pick up a new one 

♡ jk jk 

♡ but he had to binge a whole bunch of those youtube psychology videos that are like ‘psychological tricks to make people like you’ and ‘THESE 5 MIND TRICKS WILL MAKE YOU THE MOST POPULAR PERSON *EVER*’!!

♡ spoiler alert: he wasn’t the most popular person but perhaps that was bc he only went to the effort of using those tricks on you 

♡ god bless him; he tries hard, he really does. (not his best, just hard)

♡ but you don’t have to be extremely observant to realise that he’s began acting different around you and of course, it confused you seeing tsukishima being nice

♡ what irritated you was how dismissive he was being of your questions though, as he was clearly trying to lead you to believe that you were crazy and he’s just always been a nice guy 

♡ but as soon as he figures out that he angered you, he’ll instantly switch back to him normal self - draining his mind of the hours of phycology studying he did last night to just pretend like it never happened 

♡ and if he’s feeling flirty, he might be extra mean to you （￣︶￣）

♡ also he makes a mental note to never take yamaguchi’s romance advice ever again 🙄

♥　♡　♥　♡　♥　♡　♥

you sighed, removing your hand from your bag after desperately rummaging through it in search of a pencil once again - deja vu. once you accepted that a pencil wasn’t going to materialise out of thin air, you peered over your shoulder and tapped the corner of yamaguchi’s desk, who wore a suspicious grin which you decided against questioning. 

“yamaguchi, do you think i could borrow a pencil again? sorry, this is the last time, i swear. i’ll be sure to get some on my way home after school tod--” 

yamaguchi dropped the line him and tsukishima had rehearsed many times beforehand, while clutching his pencilcase dear to his chest, “woah, (y/n). you’re so irresponsible. sorry, i can’t lend one of my pristine pencils to someone who is too forgetful to remember to buy some; what if you forget to return it to me?” 

tsukishima cringed at how forced it sounded but he couldn’t help but admire yamaguchi's dedication to his role. this allowed tsukishima to swoop in, pencil in hand, “here.” that wasn’t in the script but he panicked! okay, now, eye contact. 

you just sat there and stared at both of them with the most dumbfounded look plastered on your face. what just happened?  why were they both acting like they were in drama class?  and why are they both so bad at acting? they’re both passing performing arts for fucks’ sake!

kentarō kyōtani 

♡ sorry but i firmly believe kyōtani is the sorta guy to be extra mean to ppl he fancies smh

♡ the rest of them just act (somewhat) like themselves around their crush but kyōtani is himself2 (himself^2)

♡ like one time yahaba found you trembling in your locker bc you had gotten mud on mad dog’s white shoes so he chased you through the hallways of the school, threatening to trek mud on your forehead 

♡ yahaba took it upon himself to investigate as to why kyōtani was so rude to you and he got his answer as soon as he mentioned your name to mad dog and the boy’s face immediately flushed red 

♡ so after practise, yahaba schools mad dog on how to get chicks (⌐■_■)

♡ in short, his advice was ‘good guys get laid’ and for kyōtani’s understanding, ‘good’ and ‘kind’ were interchangeable 

♡ mad dog wasn’t completely oblivious to how he treated you and he was aware that he was far from ‘kind’

♡ although he usually doesn’t listen to people in general, yahaba seemed to know what he was talking about so he figured there was no harm in trying to be nice 

♡ but ngl, he just spent the rest of the day wondering...what is kind?

♡ after a few messages back and forth with yahaba, he figured that the best place to start was by apologising for - y’know - chasing you around the whole school 

♥　♡　♥　♡　♥　♡　♥

“oi!” kyōtani bellowed through hallway, paying no mind to the students that cast him dirty looks as his sights were locked on you. standing unsuspecting by your locker, stuffing your textbooks into your bag until you heard his deep voice echo through the hall, to which you visibly perked up and began frantically looking around.

he marched towards you, hands in pockets and when you noticed him out of the corner of your eye, you were more than ready to drop all your shit and bolt away. but he didn’t let you as before you were able to take off on your heels, he grabbed your shoulder and spun you around to face him - then he noticed your hands raised in defence by your face and your head hung low.

his heart sank and his grip on your shoulder immediately softened, “i’m not gonna punch you, idiot.” he spat, rolling his eyes and gritting his teeth, trying to appear angry in hopes you’d mistake his light blush for pure rage. 

“i just wanted to say that i felt bad for chasing you through the halls yesterday - you didn’t stand a chance so i guess it was a bit unfair.” he said, frowning as you replied with silence so the duty fell on him to fill it, “and i got the stain out, anyway so.” 

more silence. lovely.

suddenly, he puffed his cheeks out as his eyes snapped to meet yours and he roared, “ARE YOU GONNA FUCKING SAY SOMETHING OR ARE YOU TOO BRAINDE-”

“are you wearing eyeliner?” 

and that was the true story behind why you missed last period, because you and kyōtani had a 30 minute conversation about eyeliner and make-up, then he convinced you to skip the rest of class with him so he could buy you ramen as an apology gift.

so yeah, he figured that perhaps he should try being nice more often.

kiyoomi sakusa

♡ he didn’t need someone to tell him to be nicer, he’s just predisposed to attempt to show kindness to someone he is fond of

♡ in his mind, showing kindness, respect and stripping himself of all his personality = the only way to be desirable 

♡ (ofc this takes place before he meets atsumu tho lol)

♡ so it’s not the realisation that’s the problem for him, it’s the execution 

♡ like how is he supposed to be nice without either sounding creepy or condescending? 

♡ *cut to sakusa practising in the bathroom mirror* ‘your hand looks- no-’ he scoffs, flicking cold water onto his face, ‘your hair looks cool- pretty- nice?’

♡ *camera pans to sakusa laying in bed, staring intently at the ceiling while imagining vivid and scarily detailed scenarios about ways he could mess up while talking to you* 

♡ *camera zooms in on sakusa’s face as he manifests a nicer version of himself*

♡ he might - depending on how insecure he is - watch one of those psychology videos or read a wikihow for help

♡ but other than that, he independently tries to alter his personality in order to gain your favour bc..true love ?

♥　♡　♥　♡　♥　♡　♥

you smiled as a basketball rolled up to your feet during gym class, followed by the sound of someone approaching you and upon raising your gaze, your eyes met sakusa’s unmistakable black ones. his face hovered only a few inches away from yours due to the fact you had both reached down to pick up the ball at the same time.

he quickly pulled himself away, tucking the basketball under his elbow as he adjusted his mask so it properly covered his face to ensure that you didn’t see the light blush slowly spreading across his cheeks. he then proceeded to blurt out what he had been rehearsing for the past few nights, “oh, thank you, (y/n). your hair looks lovely today, by the way.”

you giggled, holding your hands firmly by your side to avoid fidgeting and making it obvious that his sudden comment flustered you, “thanks, sakusa. and, if we’re handing out compliments today, i didn’t know you were good at any sport other than volleyball but you’re doing surprisingly well at basketball.” you joked, your lips slowly curling into a cocky smirk, “though, i don’t think you’d stand a chance against my team.” 

god, you’re such a tease. you make it so hard for him to be nice to you. so, of course, your comment returned his ability to utter almost every sarcastic comment that comes to mind - screw being likeable. “you think so?” he quirked a brow, tossing the ball onto your lap then pacing backwards, “go on, then.”

rintarō suna

♡ it was probably those tips on social media that told him he has to be nicer 

♡ and plus he saw terushima get all the chicks and he was just sitting there like ‘where are my bitches at? 🥺’

♡ anyway, all the guys on social media that had girls lining up outside their door always had one thing in common: misogyny  obnoxious personalities !!

♡ and his whole personality was a sacrifice suna was willing and ready to make for just a crumb of cooch  🤲

♡ though you weren’t exactly his crush yet, suna thought you were the best person to carry out this experiment with bc he heard through the grapevine that you had a crush on him so perhaps this would make you happy

♡ he didn’t prepare much beforehand though which he immediately regretted as soon as he approached you bc admittedly, his game plan of ‘be self-assured but friendly’ was a bit vague 

♡ so he basically just had to bullshit through a whole, awkward conversation with you while wearing a forced ‘bold’ smirk which, in reality, looked as though he had just seen tiddies for the first time 

♡ hardly self-assured or friendly 

♡ also, the fact you thought he was playing a prank on you must’ve drastically altered the results of his experiment 

♡ at one point he says something extremely stupid you’d just quit playing along and just blurt out ‘wtf is wrong with you today’

♡ to which he’d be like ‘ahaha, nuthin much bbg, how bout you?’

♡ THE EXPERIEMNT ISN’T OVER UNTIL HE SAYS IT’S OVER OKAy?!

♥　♡　♥　♡　♥　♡　♥

you rubbed your temples in order to soothe the throbbing headache suna gave you simply by existing. like yes, you had a crush on him 10 minutes ago - but that was before he came up to you and started acting like terushima on dodgy medication. “oh and your skin is glowing bab--”

“jesus christ, rintarō, shut up!” you cried, gripping the edge of your skirt to prevent your self from delivering a swift punch right to his stupid face. he’s seriously gotten on all your nerves at this point; firstly, by spamming your phone in the middle of the night asking for homework answers (accompanied by cursed memes) as he actually managed to wake you up. secondly, by acting so oblivious to the fact you clearly had a crush on him and now, this!

heat rose to his cheeks in embarrassment as his creepy smile instantly fell right back into his resting bitch face, “this isn’t working, is it?” 

“what’s not working?”

suna scoffed, rolling his eyes - his façade having evidently disappeared. “this.” he sighed, looking around as if someone was going to save him before his eyes finally settled on you and he was reminded of what he wanted in the first place, his sparkle was rekindled for just a moment which caused him to blurt out, “just fuck me already, i’m not asking for much.”

#sakusa imagines #kyotani x y/n #tsukishima x reader #sakusa headcanons #sakusa x y/n #haikyuu!! x gender neutral reader #haikyuu x gender neutral reader #haikyū!! #haikyuu!! #suna rintaro x reader #tsukishima hcs #sakusa x reader #tsukishima headcanons #tsukishima x you #sakusa x you #suna x y/n #suna x you #suna x reader #kyotani x reader #kyotani headcanons #haikyuu x reader

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

fine line - a close reading

gonna cry bc i’m at the end, gonna cry bc it’s fine line.

(x x x)

want to give the same disclaimer as with lights up: this song is so layered, so multi-faceted, that i could never hope to give an exhaustive analysis. due to its vagueness and openness for interpretation, i assume that everyone, just like me, has their own ideas about it and has attached importance to it in ways that no one else’s words can or should alter. this song means the world to me for reasons that aren’t necessarily in this post, and that’s how it is with art that touches us deeply. i’ve tried my best to pull it apart, lay it bare, spread it open, if you will, so it’s almost as free as it can be for you all to form your own opinion on it. in the synthesis i will make my own conclusions, but feel free to ignore that if yours are totally different. i’m just one set of brain and heart taking in fine line and projecting whatever i think is right onto it. alright, let’s go

fine line, track 12

sung in falsetto

live version at the form: first verse not sung in falsetto - after first chorus goes into falsetto - like “thinking of her” has summoned her

live version at the form: first verse not sung in falsetto - after first chorus goes into falsetto - like “thinking of her” has summoned her

Put a price on emotion

pouring emotions into the art you create: how much is genuine / how much do you show - line between being authentic to your audience and giving away too much, wanting to keep things to yourself and not feeling truthful with what you’ve written

exploits of the industry: lay your soul bare - or the exact opposite, some pretend emotion - to score that hit

I'm looking for something to buy

cynical. emotions aren’t genuine, right? where can i go buy some?

～ lights up themes. fake life, industry, being a sell-out

You've got my devotion

But man, I can hate you sometimes

“you” = career, music, Harry Styles™. devoted to the craft, to the job, all the ups and downs of it, despite the hardships it brings 

“man” is deliberate: can be seen as an offhand interjection, like “man, that’s rough”, but nothing is casually placed in this song. “man” is: The Man, the heads in the industry, the people pulling the strings. The man in Harry, the man he’s been in the media all these years, the part he’s played/had to play, the man that’s in him

⟶ “hate you”: hate for industry shit, self-hate created by having to play pretend (～ only angel analysis, the persona of the Bukowski womaniser)

“sometimes” - it’s not fucked up all the time

“you” could also be a lover, but the sudden “hate” there then would be for that person, which is absent in any other song about them, doesn’t make any sense

I don't want to fight you

And I don't want to sleep in the dirt

like there’s a choice to me made, but he doesn’t want to make it: either I fight this “you” or I sleep in the dirt

“you” as the industry: if he doesn’t fight them, he might end up being a beggar, lose all his self-worth bc he gave in to everything they asked/told him to do

“you” as himself: fight your instincts, part of who you are/the persona. if he doesn’t fight to figure himself out, though, he fears he’ll also lose

“sleep in the dirt” as a sense of rejection, as well

We'll get the drinks in

So I'll get to thinking of her

drinks to cope - falling, only angel, from the dining table - or to be braver and confront emotions better - tbsl

who is “we”? who is “her”?

narrative of “you” as “lover” further disproven: if “I” and the lover get together over drinks and “I” starts thinking of “her”?

⟷ “her” could be the lover, but then who is “you”? the industry? some other person, besides that lover, harry is devoted to? multiple lovers, all of a sudden? no.

⟶ “I” and “you” are all harry, that get to thinking of “her” because she is in daydreams with him. the narrative that harry is fighting a part of him, the persona he has (had) to play bc of industry limits, makes most sense. that persona is within him now, and part of his work, but all of him, “we”, is begging to come into the light - of which she is a huge part

We'll be a fine line

balancing act. let everything coexist but pay attention that those lines don’t get crossed the wrong way. what we are, what i am, is a fine line between what makes us go under and what lets us thrive

we will be: determination to fulfil this prophecy, statement of fact “we always will be”

“we’ll be a fine line”: other way of interpreting it is that on both sides of that line is what entails “we”, all that is harry. what merges on that fine line is where it’s just right, when harry is fully himself in every way

“fine line” can also be an echo of criticism, bigotry, in the style of: it’s a fine line between being simply flamboyant and queer, between dressing like that and people thinking you’re a transvestite or summat (cause we wouldn’t want that, now, would we) - “we’ll be a fine line” could be owning all of it. putting himself in the middle of all those messy lines, as someone queer without a category

Test of my patience

patience with himself - kindness to self - took a long time to figure shit out and it was a challenge

waiting for change: industry and its allowances/openness

There's things that we'll never know

my favorite line

“we” = harry / harry and company / us in general, all of us listening 

～ tpwk “i don’t need all the answers”: deep sense of acceptance

peace to be found in accepting this!!

You sunshine, you temptress

“sunshine” - as in all the love songs (blue skies, sunflowers, summer days…): lover - possible that there are multiple “you”s in this song?

sunshine could ofc also be directed at the temptress, still

female “temptress” - “i’ll get to thinking of her” - she - it’s tempting for harry to think of her all the time, to lose himself in the “her” in him

other interpretation for “temptress”: woman he knows with negative influence in his life - resemblance to woman “you flower, you feast”, so echo of Bukowski ～ only angel, kiwi (my sunshine, my love, who is involved with this temptress…)

My hand’s at risk, I fold

⟷ tpwk “dropping into the deep end”

not showing his cards just yet / forfeits

anxious to show all of him, to take the chance, with all the risks and consequences involved

Crisp trepidation

I’ll try to shake this soon

nervousness, anxiety - about (not) taking (enough) chances, (not) laying himself bare (release of the album that reveals much more than before)

“crisp” fresh, this feeling is unfamiliar - change is coming “soon”

sense of agency: I can get rid of this feeling by my own volition and make these changes - hesitant, insecure: “try”

wants to be braver. he’s not going back, but still needs to calmly coax himself further and further into the light, out into the open (“we’ll be alright”)

Spreading you open

Is the only way of knowing you

(can anyone else hear “spread thin” like a whisper under “spreading”? or am i imagining things.)

“you” is back - the only way of knowing “you” is to spread them open - the physical

to spread someone open - very literal, don’t need to paint the picture, or to lay bare, to lay it all out 

⟶ “you” as himself - the only way of knowing who i am is by doing this: writing this album, performing these songs, letting others listen in and form their own interpretations, let this world grow where i’m laid bare and OPEN and exist as this person who has issues, who is angry, who doesn’t know who he is a lot of the time, but is still so happy to be here - let it spread and let it all circle back to me so i can grow deeper into myself

We'll be a fine line

We'll be alright

“we” = h & self, h & lover, h & fans

collectiveness from tpwk

(notes on a piano sounding like drops, like he’s emerged from the water and dripping dry)

SYNTHESIS

Everything about this song is plural. Personal pronouns are all over the place. I, you, her, we. The sound is incredibly layered, with Harry’s own voice echoing through its verses like he’s singing to himself in an empty cave. Meanings can be attached to every word like it’s a wax tablet used too many times. What Harry has said in interviews for once holds pretty true to the actual meaning, in my opinion. 

“It felt like it described to me the process of making it and how the album felt in terms of the different kinds of songs on it.” (Capital FM)

This can mean a lot of things, and I think it means all of the things, of course. It means Fine Line is a summary of all of his emotions he visited on the album, of the things he’s laid bare. And it means that the actual process was also described, as one that can be frustrating and challenging, with added industry shit. 

Harry has expressed straightforward gratefulness to his label for "leaving (him) alone” while making the album and that speaks volumes. This time, he had the chance to make his art without the constant interference of a label, which meant he could weave in criticism as well. “Put a price on emotion” is first and foremost a critique on the industry. It’s the first line of the song, setting the tone for the interpretation of this song is about the risks I took while making this album. It involves criticism on an industry that creates such an atmosphere that only a certain type of music and artist breaks through or can be successful, that limits people in their personal expression. Convinces them that it’s better that way. That it’s better to hide who they love because the general public won’t accept them. That it’s better to create a song about a fake emotion than be honest. Harry loves writing songs and being on stage, but it’s taken a while for him to be fully comfortable there as a solo artist and bloom into the person that could make Fine Line. He loves his career, but it’s also limited his freedom in ways beyond our comprehension, and it’s exploited him to the point where he didn’t know who he was, in ways that have clearly taken a toll on his mental wellbeing. To a point where he finishes this album reassuring himself, most of all, that everything will be alright.

That process of making Fine Line obviously includes Harry confronting emotions he hadn’t before. He has stated that he experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows while making it. There are things he hates, he was fighting but doesn’t want to (anymore), uncertainties he was trying to figure out but had to accept he couldn’t, risks he still doesn’t know he can take without shaking. At the centre of it all is this sense of “knowing you.” The different personal pronouns in the song paint a fractured picture, which is ultimately deliberate. That the “you” Harry is devoted to and can hate sometimes doesn’t line up with “her,” that the end focus does seem to be this “you” that is mentioned in the same breath as “man” and “temptress,” forming the “we” together with “I”. 

After having songs like Lights Up, She, Falling and even TPWK, one of the central themes on the album has undoubtedly been self-discovery, in all its pain and glory. There are no female pronouns on the album besides, obviously, in She, and then here, in Fine Line. She is about a man living with a woman “just in his head”, who “sleeps in his bed while he plays pretend.” It is very clearly a trans narrative, the story of someone struggling to put into words what they’re experiencing in terms of gender. To a point that they fantasise about running away. Fine Line brings the ideas of knowing what it all means, which Lights Up kicks off (“do you know who you are?”), Falling deepens (“what am I now?”) and Treat People With Kindness turns on its head (“I don’t need all the answers”), together. Harry is still doubtful, and the questions asked earlier in the album haven’t disappeared, but he has accepted that “some things we’ll never know.” His aim, however, is still “knowing you.” 

To have Fine Line, as the summary of these emotions of self-growth and self-discovery, echo that one female pronoun, speaks volumes. It is a direct reference to She, to that story about gender. “Her” in this song refers to “she (who) lives in daydreams with (him).” The one who still only fully comes out when they’ve had a drink. The one he’s still working to include in who he is, as he tries to figure out who he is, all of it. The song where he sings in falsetto, just like on Fine Line. Of which he sang the first verse an octave lower live at the forum, switching between those voices, those perspectives. That’s also why “you” in this song is also Harry to me. We get this fractured sense of self, this “I” and “you” conversing over a drink, this “you” Harry is devoted to and wants to figure out. “You” and “I” form “we” and all of them are Harry. The lines are blurry on purpose, there is no way to figure out where “you” ends and “I” begins. 

“You sunshine, you temptress” is the most enigmatic line in that respect, and to me blurs those lines even more between the pronouns. “You” is suddenly also identified by a female noun. And no this isn’t about some kind of love triangle. “Sunshine” aligns with all the odes to his lover in the rest of the album. So what does that mean? That there are multiple “you”s in this song, meaning that Harry is addressing both his lover and a temptress? So “her” he’ll get to thinking of, the only other female pronoun used in the song, is identified as a temptress, but tempting to do what? To take risks? And no I won’t forget the “man, I can hate you sometimes,” where "man” is not a casual interjection but an identifier of “you.” 

Or is it an echo of “the light” from Golden’s “bring me back to the light” and Light’s Up’s “step into the light”? So that the “sunshine” symbolises being in the clear, being out of the darkness running through his heart, the darkness caused by not knowing who you are. “You sunshine,” you beacon of light. “You temptress,” risk-taker and source of anxiety. You, one I need to spread open to figure out, to know about, source of happiness and despair, one I’m devoted to but also hate. You, man, you, temptress. You there, in the mirror looking back at me. 

All of you, and myself included, we’ll be a fine line. And we’ll be alright.

This song is about all of that. The self in art, the self on its own, the other, the journey, the chances, the fears, the passion. Hope. Reassurance. Confidence. And, most importantly, that everything will be alright in the end.

x

read all my lyric analyses here

#lzjrkfhlejrhgfzjehgrfjhaegrfjhger #i'm done #it's done #this is it #did i have to take breaks to get through this? yes #did i write this with tears in my eyes at times? yes #very much yes #this song.............. oh this song #will i fret and fret wondering if i did it justice? permanently #it means so much to me and it literally makes barely any sense #it's so fucking beautiful #we can try to make sense of it but it's impossible #as it should be #wow #cause of death: fine line #fine line analysis #my post #lyric analysis #gaaaahhhhhh #harry what you do to me #long post

[nagitolovebug]

Postgame be like:

Hajime: *wakes up from a killing game, probably still exhausted, having to deal with lots of different emotions*

Makoto: Okay so *gives Hajime the baby* this is yours, also congrats on coming out alive! Okay bye!!

Hajime: ???

OJFLJSFJSFSLF YEA PRETTY MUCH

it's genuinely not very fun....

like imagine the guy that you sorta kinda had feelings for but he died and you hate him but you also wanted to understand him so bad and maybe you could've loved him, maybe you do love him, and then you wake up and find out you two have a kid.

izuru purposefully withholds The Memories of bebi bc a) he's possessive, petty, and bitter b) hajime just found out he has an alter ego and alerting hajime of his presence right off the bat might be too much for him and he doesn't wanna destabilize hajime. but then makoto walks in holding a child ("hello, hajime. i'm makoto naegi, i'm with the future foundation and the head of the neo world program project-") and izuru can't stop the memory from surging forward bc he's so angry so hajime just feels a wave of inexplicable rage wash over himself and then vague memories of a familiar (familiar why is it so damn familiar) voice screaming ("don't take my baby, please don't take my baby from me,, izuru help me" ) and it's horrible, it makes hajime's heart ache and then as clear as day he sees makoto's face holding a younger version of the child he's holding now (he hears his own voice- deeper, more subdued) "if any harm comes to either of them-" "i will not let anything happen to komaeda-kun or the child-" "bebi." "bebi, kamukura-kun. I swear on my life." "what is your pathetic life to the safety of my family? pray that your life is all you lose if you break your promise. if there is a single scratch on either of them, I will make sure you and your loved ones suffer before I crush you under my heels. I swear on my life. and that's a promise that holds weight"

/ brief mention of trans male pregnancy under the cut

hajime backs away from makoto, cautiously. he knows from the screams he heard that the child makoto is holding is not his own, and izuru has reason to hate this man. "who are you really? and who's child is that. that's not your baby. what's going on. why does- why does izuru hate you. what did you to us- ....him"

and then bebi points and goes "da?" and hajime feels the swell of longing that doesn't belong to him, and falls over onto his pod.

"hajime...calm down. so- kamukura is still with you?"

"w,what's going on. what's going on??? wh- what did you do to us."

"im not telling you anything until I know who you stole that baby from and why I wanna hurt you so bad"

"hajime, i'm not sure that's the best idea right now, it's too much to take in at once-"

"....alright. Hajime, this is..Bebi Kamukura. your child."

"tell me. now."

"my...what?"

"kamukura-kun had his own life during despair..it lasted quite a few years and he...had a child. this is that child."

"hajime-"

"I- with who? are..are they still alive? are they here?? I...I dont remember anything. this has to be a mistake. how can I not remember my own fucking kid? or this- person, this goddamn soulless demon in my head fucking cared about enough to knock up. fuck."

"can I hold them."

"that's not a good idea"

"they're my fucking kid, aren't they?????? you're telling me I can't hold my own goddamn kid after all this shit you just put me through??????"

"hajime, calm down-"

"don't tell me to calm down! don't you dare tell me to calm down! let me see my baby!"

"hajime-"

and his red eye glows. so makoto complies.

"now."

makoto hands him bebi and he analyzes their face. he feels the buzz at the back of his head turn irrefutably warm and feels the first positive emotion from izuru since he woke up. he sees his own nose, the same down turn of the lips, hair curling slightly and sticking up like his does. but huge and bright grey eyes, swirling a little bit that reminds him of a warm smile and an extended hand, of a look of desperation in a trial room, of the blank, glazed over eyes of a corpse-

-and he lets out a sob.

"it's nagito's. it's nagito's, isn't it?"

"and yours"

"and.....and mine"

"can- can you take them?"

"of course."

"i..I need some-"

"time. of course. take all the time you need. I'll be back soon"

he goes from pod to pod, heart panging at seeing his dead friends again...stopping at nagito's pod and staring at his illuminated face, ghostly pale and surreal in the blue glow. and he places his hand on the pod and slumps over and cries.

"wake up. you have to wake up. you asshole. you let me get you pregnant and then you're gonna leave me here?? we've got a kid, nagito. a beautiful baby. I can't do this by myself- so. please..come back to me"

"why am I even telling you this. you can't hear me. would you even care? I'm not the man you fell in love with. not really. will you even let me see them, when you wake up? did you...really hate me? as much as you said? I. I never hated you, nagito. maybe I even loved you. but we can't figure this out if you don't come back. you have to. for me. for the baby. please."

#i am. trans guy hello #well transmasculine. none gender left boy #tokophobia #cw trans male pregnancy #komahina #kamukoma #bebi kamukura #anon

[cake-and-spades]

Tell me about internalized arophobia please, thanks

I have been struggling with putting down my thoughts/ feelings for this ask for months, and I finally just did what I do best and did some research. I looked up internalized homophobia and obviously not all of these will apply to arophobia (or to everyone) but it’s a good place to expand from!  I’m so sorry this took so long anon 😭

Bold text is taken from the Rainbow Project (LINK) with anything I added in plain text underneath.

Trigger warnings for things mentioned but not described in detail, take care of yourselves y'all:

homophobia / transphobia / biphobia / arophobia / etc

self harm

abusive relationships

drinking / substance abuse

suicide

pedophilia

(if I've missed any please let me know and I'll add them above)

01. Denial of your sexual orientation to yourself and others.

Fun fact: for the first like 2 weeks after I found out what aromanticism was I refused to identify as aro because of like, the crushing fear and disappointment and the belief I’d never be happy. And of course I *had* to experience romantic attraction some day, I just *had* to, *everyone* does. (Oof)

02. Attempts to alter or change your sexual your orientation.

Do I even need to explain this one? “Maybe if I just try hard enough I’ll start liking someone. Fake it till you make it, right?”

03. Feeling you are never good enough.

Personally, whenever I used to think about platonically dating people/ having nonromantic partner(s) I’d start getting down on myself and think “they deserve a Real (TM) partner, a Romantic (TM) partner, they deserve more than the disappointment I would be” or alternately, the thought that I’m disappointing my parents by not giving them a child-in-law & grandchildren

04. Engaging in obsessive thinking and/or compulsive behaviours.

Not sure exactly how this one could relate, perhaps in obsessively seeking out romance (in fiction or irl) or exposing yourself to it knowing it makes you uncomfortable ?

05. Under-achievement or even over-achievement as a bid for acceptance.

The whole who gets to be an "ally" because they aren't *really* LGBT+ comes to mind

06. Low self esteem, negative body image.

Self explanatory, but I will also add: not wanting to be seen as a Romantic Person, policing your actions and your body / body language so no one could ever see you as anything other than Platonic or friends with benefits. Disliking the parts of you that are typically coded by society to be "romantic" things.

07. Contempt for the more open or obvious members of the LGBT community.

Self explanatory but also: Gatekeeping. I’m thinking especially gatekeeping people who aren’t “aro enough” to be considered aro (you will always be "aro enough" as long as you ID as aro!)

08. Contempt for those at earlier stages of the coming out process.

Contempt for “cringey aros / aces who make the whole community look bad / childish / heartless” when they are just discovering themselves and having a good time (and many times are just kids)

09. Denial that homophobia, heterosexism, biphobia or sexism are serious social problems.

The thought: “Sure arophobia exists, but it isn’t a *real* problem like homophobia / transphobia / biphobia” Alternately: “yeah it’s not perfect, but it’s not like I have *real problems*”

Also a personal note: I didn't like. recognize that we live in an arophobic society? Like society definitely wasn't built for us but Baby Aro me refused to understand that.

10. Contempt for those that are not like ourselves or contempt for those who seem like ourselves. Sometimes distancing by engaging in homophobic behaviours – ridicule, harassment, verbal or physical attacks on other LGB people.

This one is similar to the ones above.

11. Projection of prejudice onto another target group.

Terfs, gatekeepers, etc

12. Becoming psychologically abused or abusive or remaining in an abusive relationship.

Self explanatory :( But especially: staying in a relationship even though it's hurting you, whether because of your partner or just because it isn't a good fit for you as an aro person.

13. Attempts to pass as heterosexual, sometimes marrying someone of the other sex to gain social approval or in hope of ‘being cured’.

Y’all ever faked a crush or just chosen one at random? Y’all ever dated someone you knew you didn’t “like” like while hoping you’d catch feelings someday or thinking it was like, the natural “next step” for your friendship? Y’all ever fear that some day everyone would find out you “”weren’t normal?”” Y’all ever cry bc you know you’ll never love a partner the way they’ll love you, because their love is “”more pure/ real”” or some bullshit???? It's the internalized arophobia 😌

14. Increased fear and withdrawal from friend and relatives.

"They won't like me anymore when they realize I'm not the same as them" "They'll see me differently" etc etc etc

15. Shame or depression; defensiveness; anger or bitterness.

Self explanatory :(

16. School truancy or dropping out of school. Also, work place absenteeism or reduced productivity.

Self explanatory, avoidance of problems and people

17. Continual self-monitoring of one’s behaviours, mannerisms, beliefs, and ideas.

This one seems like it would tie in with #6, specifically monitoring yourself for the Correct Amount of romance, even if you're faking it.

18. Clowning as a way of acting out society’s negative stereotypes.

I have nothing to add here

19. Mistrust and destructive criticism of LGBT community leaders.

I don't think I need to elaborate on this one askdjfdkj

20. Reluctance to be around or have concern for children for fear of being seen as a paedophile.

God I don’t even know why I have this specific internalized arophobia/homophobia. Like??? It doesn’t make sense from an aro perspective but boy do I got it. I love kids and I have an education degree, but am still constantly afraid people see me as a creep

21. Conflicts with the law.

22. Unsafe sexual practices and other destructive risk-taking behaviours-including risk for HIV and other STIs.

Lack of care and respect for self :(

23. Separating sex and love, or fear of intimacy. Sometimes low or lack of sexual drive or celibacy.

I mean some of this is natural and healthy for aros by nature of being aro, but fear of intimacy. Fear of being Known

These last two are self explanatory :(

24. Substance abuse, including drink and drugs.

25. Thinking about suicide, attempting suicide, death by suicide.

https://www.rainbow-project.org/internalised-homophobia/

#asks #arophobia #aromantic

[inkofamethyst]

January 9, 2022

[a few days ago]

Man I wanna go to another opera so bad.  I wanna go thrifting and find a fancy dress that one would only wear to The Opera and get all fancied up and appreciate the immense talent of others in a way that’s perceived as being high class.  And, of course, there’s always the internal tug of war between “do I go alone or do I invite someone” yknow.

[today]

So I went to a thrift store today due to that exact sentiment with the hopes (but no real expectations) of finding a fancy dress to go to The Opera in and I didn’t find any dresses but I did find a yellow floral blouse and this dusty rose wool-feelin fabric and some brown fabric that still had a label from the fabric store as 80/20 rayon/wool.  I also went to an actual fabric store because I’m a little button goblin now, apparently, and then I got home where I found out that I had gotten ~2 yards~ of the pink woolstuff (burn test imminent) and eight and a half yards of the really drape-y chocolate wool/rayon!!  They only cost $8 each ahhhhhh!!!

I’m thinking about doing the cropped length/long sleeve princess coat from Charm Patterns with the light pink wool, probably adding white or cream fur details (I’d love to find a light-colored floral satin for the lining too).  It’s honestly a wee bit outside my preferred color palette for outerwear.  I... have no idea what I’d do with the brown fabric.  Yesterday I altered an old mockup to make it into more of a simple waistcoat than a top, and I kind of adore the new pattern (I traced it onto paper (some packing from Amazon that I just have a ton of) today and will likely test it soon (...tomorrow?), and if it works out I can see myself making a ton of them lol), so I mean I could start off with that... but then I’d still have more fabric leftover than I’d know what to do with.  I mean I’ll likely end up making a skirt won’t I.  I’d make trousers too if only I wasn’t terrified of doing so lol.  UGH A DOLLAR A YARD FOR WOOL/RAYON I’m so jazzed.

...bruh.  So, I don’t read fanfic.  I know it’s great, I just don’t generally read it (despite the fact that I was put on fanfic tiktok for a bit a while back (what can I say, I like the tropes)).  Normally, I scroll past when it comes across my dash.  But WHEW y’all there was this spicy lil thing that hopped onto my feed just now and normally they have the Read More breaks and are easy to skip but this one went on and on so I randomly decided to take a peek in the middle and it was GOOD STUFF and I just kept on reading.  I didn’t know any of the characters or anything but that was fun bro it was just like regular degular fiction except I was in the story too apparently bc they kept on referring to “you” and that was wild  (listen I don’t live under a rock I know plenty about y/n fics I just don’t read them ever lol) and the end was so CUTE and sweet ahhhhh.  Anyway I couldn’t like it because I’m technically out of my whump phase and didn’t wanna out myself for apparently not actually being out of my whump phase at all.

I mean today I’m just thankful for that fabric I picked up today.  It was such a gamble since I couldn’t tell in the store how much there was of each but I am thoroughly satisfied and even though I couldn’t find exactly what I was looking for, I consider today a huge win for retail therapy.  I’m gonna take a risk and wash them both because like I can’t afford to dry clean them but I’m confident they’ll turn out fine.  Also my twist out was really really cute today and I’m glad I went out for people to see it.

[firelxdykatara]

not gonna lie I would love to hear more about the drama and infighting that went on in The Vampire Diaries fandom if you have the time (and also want to use that time to give your experience with the fandom, which from the snippets you've told sounds Not Fun so I get it if you don't want to lol)

oh god, there was like, SO MUCH, i just

i really feel like tvd is one of those fandoms that is so hard to describe without a lot of ‘you’d have to have been there’, but it really felt like this huge and all-consuming beast for about five years until the show finally imploded and the fandom basically turned on it en masse. (you ever see that post going around that’s like ‘if you ever want to know what true regret feels like, ask someone who once called tvd their favorite show’? still a mood, all these years later. basically the entire fandom thought the show should have just bowed out with whatever shreds of dignity it had left at the end of season 6, and became more of a hatedom than a fandom for the last two seasons. when you have an entire fandom cheering news of your show’s cancellation, i think that’s a sign you done fucked up, julie.)

first and most infamous, of course, are the ship wars. which are pretty much inevitable in any teen-centered drama, and i really think the CW fucking thrives on them, but it was particularly egregious in TVD’s case because not only was the base premise of the show a love triangle, but the two main romantic leads were brothers that the show constantly pit against one another--in pursuit of elena’s affections, but also because it kept up this insistence on the ‘good brother/bad brother’ dichotomy which stopped making sense after about season 2 (by which time we have found out that the good brother was never as good as he appeared, and the bad brother has been growing and isn’t nearly as bad as he pretends to be)--and the question of which brother ‘deserved’ elena (and no, what elena wanted very rarely factored into these discussions, especially in the team stefan camp because they turned on her when what she wanted was no longer The Good Brother, but i’ll get to that in a bit) was hotly contested.

i’m not kidding when i say the shipping wars were vicious. i started watching tvd shortly after it began to air, which was late 2009, and kept up with it fairly sporadically over the years. i didn’t come onto tumblr until 2011/2012, and by then, the fandom was already pretty much a garbagefire. there were anti ship and anti character blogs, any time something bad happened for one ship the rival ship would invade the tags to gloat about it (seasons 3 and 4 were especially rough, and i’m not gonna pretend delena fans weren’t just as bad about tag invasion and shit, but as that was my side of the road i saw a lot more of the stelena shippers being assholes, which soured my opinion on the ship a long time before i started rewatching and realized the red flags were there from the start), confessions blogs were popular also toxic as fuck (so much fighting happened in the notes of those posts, good gods), and this was right around when twitter’s popularity was on the rise and the line between Celebrity and Fan was thinning, so the fandom was absolutely atrocious to much of the tvd cast and crew.

(some of them deserved a lot of the later backlash, but in the early years a lot of it was ‘how dare you write the story in a way i dont like, you terrible fucking person’, and gods don’t get me started on the dobsley vs nian Thing)

i think what really encapsulates my feelings on the tvd fandom as a whole, though, is the way they (to this DAY) treated elena gilbert, which can be summed up in one meme that gained a lot of traction around season 3 if i remember right: that gif of pam from true blood, with the text altered to read “i’m so OVER elena and her precious doppelganger vagina!”

i swear at one time i had over half the active tvd fan accounts on tumblr blocked, because i got to a point where i would no longer tolerate elena hate, and she was (and still is, in what remains of the fandom; you’ll see a lot of ‘elena was one of the worst things about the show’ takes from ex-fans, too) one of the most widely despised characters in the entire fandom. because she -checks smudged writing on hand- was a traumatized teenage girl who -reads off a crumpled notecard- couldn’t always perfectly sort out her own feelings and -squints at the ceiling- sometimes made mistakes or bad decisions. (except a lot of the fandom also insisted that she was a mary sue who had no character traits or flaws or faults and it was like....make up your fucking minds???? is she a calculating conniving bitch whose somehow manipulating these centuries old vampires to tie them around her little finger or is she a boring flat character with no depth and no flaws??? jfc)

there was this massive double standard, too--like, stefan and damon could fuck whoever they wanted and that was fine, but elena was constantly raked over the coals for the crime of developing romantic feelings for the two men who had become constants in her life and whom she cared for deeply, and oh my GOD the slut shaming that happened when elena slept with damon was fucking wild. (and also happened in canon lmfao. like the show had one of elena’s best friends basically call her diseased on screen for falling in love with someone other than stefan. it was gross and ridiculous and the friend in question was also being a giant hypocrite at the time since she was happily flirting with someone who was directly responsible for the deaths of like four of elena’s loved ones and her own boyfriend’s mother but that’s beside the point) but like elena was called a slut and a bitch and a whore for ‘cheating’ on stefan (she hadn’t, and she had in fact broken up with him on screen the episode earlier) and ‘immediately’ jumping into bed with damon, even though none of them said fucking boo when stefan had one night stands or damon had fuckbuddies or whatever.

shit, caroline didn’t get any of this treatment when she started falling for tyler while dating matt! which isn’t to say i think she should have, just that i think it’s fucking ridiculous that elena was absolutely demonized by the fandom for daring to have feelings for two guys at once and eventually acting on them--despite the fact that the entire premise of the show was a love triangle. it’s not a love triangle if both sides don’t eventually get explored, and the crew had been pretty explicit about the fact that delena was going to happen at some point--but when it did, a huge chunk of the fandom absolutely threw a fit.

and a lot of these elena haters were alleged stelena stans, and i say alleged because they hated her so much for not wanting stefan’s dick anymore that it was clear they were really stefan stans and only wanted stelena to be endgame because they wanted stefan to ‘win’ at the end of the day, because ‘he’s the good brother’ so he deserved elena more.

it was all very gross and very misogynistic and very sex shaming (apparently delena was a ‘shallow’ and ‘superficial’ relationship because they had sex after two years of unrequited feelings slowly becoming requited and then pining for ages on both sides, and because they had a lot of on screen chemistry that the show capitalized on for years so of course they did a lot of making out and shit but it’s not like stelena didn’t have its fair share of making out and sex scenes, stefan was just too much of a coward to let elena top i’d apologize for that joke but i’m really not sorry because it’s true), and when i say it was egged on by the crew, that’s because they refused to let the love triangle die back in season 4 when it should have.

they insisted on stringing stelena fans along, dropping little bread crumbs to keep them invested, like dreams of a future where they were married and revealing that stefan was also a doppelganger and he and elena were descended from a pair of star-crossed lovers (a plot that ultimately went nowhere, to no one’s great surprise), and then fucking like. julie plec turned around and threw nina under the bus after she chose not to extend her contract and pretended that stelena might have happened again if she hadn’t left the show, which....i mean frankly i wouldn’t put it past her, but it would have been shitty writing. then again, she thought having a vampire pregnancy where a uterus was magically transplanted from a witch into a vampire that could somehow......carry the babies to term.... made sense and was a good way to accomodate candice’s RL pregnancy rather than like literally ANYTHING else, soooooo. but anyway julie saying that around like, end of s6 sparked off a new wave of nina hate and elena hate and ship wars bc they SEers took it as ‘confirmation’ that stelena was REALLY meant to be endgame and it was all just a hot fucking mess

another thing is that, while tvd was in its prime before the anti/purity culture shit started picking up any real steam, there was still this pervasive attitude throughout the fandom that if you liked Damon, you were A Bad Person. liking damon was apparently grounds for insults and harassment, and apparently he was The Worst Person on the Show even though literally nothing he does on screen is any worse than shit we know stefan has done (and frankly every other vampire too, but i mention stefan specifically because he was always held up--in the show but especially in the fandom--as the Good Brother while damon was the Bad One, and if you liked damon more then that had to mean your morals were dodgy and you clearly couldn’t appreciate what a heroic and saintly figure dear stefan was and....oops, i’m sorry, my salt keeps leaking -cough-).

meanwhile klaus quickly became a fandom darling despite not even really having much of a redemption arc (on tvd anyway, he just became more ‘affably evil’ as the show went on and more inclined to work with the main characters rather than try to kill them; i have no idea what went on over on his show, though), and like i can 100% appreciate liking villains and not caring that they do dodgy villainous shit, even just liking them bc they’re hot and wanting them to kiss a main character bc they have insanely good chemistry (yes i ship klaroline, no i won’t apologize for it, they could have been Really Great), it’s just really the double standard that gets me.

and all of this, incidentally, required ignoring some truly gross shit stefan was responsible for wrt his relationship with elena, that frankly it has always bothered me never really got addressed in the show. i get why elena herself would never be able to actually call him on it, but the fact is that he stalked her for months after he first saw her and thought she was katherine (meanwhile it only took damon .5 seconds to realize she was someone else entirely, but that’s another topic entirely), and then he deliberately inserted himself into her life because, in his words, ‘i have to know her’. he never gave a thought to how his presence in her life might affect her (or rather, he did, and tormented himself about it in his internal monologue, but never let this actually dissuade him from disrupting her life), and elena would wind up blaming herself for every tragedy that befell her friends and loved ones as a result of getting mixed up in vampire bullshit even though none of it was her fault--she literally blamed herself for existing but most of the fandom didn’t give a fuck about that lmfao--and stefan did shit like find out that she was adopted and then withhold this information from her until she got pissed about another secret he was keeping (her resemblence to katherine) and drop it on her to try and distract her from her very reasonable anger, and like... i should stop before this becomes a whole rant about how much i hate stefan fucking salvatore, but the point is, he did a lot of really sketchy shit he never answered for and elena never really took him to task for, and the fandom just kept eating up his insistence that he was the Good Brother and therefore he deserved to have elena, and if she didn’t want him anymore it was because she was a heinous bitch who didn’t deserve him.

uh.....i think i got off track there. and there’s probably a lot of shit i missed, like i think i was incandescent with rage for most of seasons 5 and 6 so i missed a lot of the interfandom shit cause i was too busy being increasingly pissed off at the show itself, but if nothing else this should give you an idea of how much of a goddamn cesspit the fandom was while the show as in its prime. there’s a reason both the show and the fandom have such a lousy reputation lmfao.

#the vampire diaries #tvd #tvd fandom salt #anti stefan #anti stelena #salt for ts #asked #Anonymous

[unbridgeabledistances]

Prompt: About the 87% scene. Could you write about Mickey lying about having a "boyfriend" when he was in Mexico. And telling Ian that afterall he didn't have his whole Heart because of that "boyfriend". Ian realizing that the way he said those things weren'te the best. Then the confrontation, they talk about it and are cute with one another

anon i am CRYING mickey would 1000% do this!!! why did the writers not make this happen

(actually i’m glad they didn’t, bc these boys don’t need any more drama)

here’s my take (since we all need a little gallavich before the next episode!), hope u enjoy<3

--

“I guess everyone I’ve been with gets a little piece of my heart”

Mickey froze where he was standing, by the toilet bowl and the dust-covered bathroom shelves, and felt his heart sink. The fuck is he talking about?

“Wait, everyone?”

“Yeah. Yup.” Ian froze for a moment, his toothbrush hanging out of the corner of his mouth. “Okay, maybe not everybody. You don’t feel the same way?”

Mickey could almost wince. Fucking Gallagher—didn’t Ian know he was the only guy Mickey had really been with, because Ian was the only one that mattered? Instantly, Mickey thought back to all of the sloppy and excruciatingly boring hookups he’d had with women—back before he came out and was constantly putting on a show, was burying who he really was deep beneath the ground.

Ian looked at him earnestly, toothbrush still half in his mouth, with those steady green eyes Mickey could always get lost in—the only thing keeping Mickey afloat during those darker days, when he felt like everything else was pulling him under. Ian was the only person who had ever made Mickey’s heart race or his palms sweaty, the only fucking person who made Mickey feel like he was here for a reason, no matter what bullshit life threw at him. Ian was the center of Mickey’s existence, and he always had been—how could that asshole not realize that no one else Mickey’d been with could ever compare to him?

“No, I don’t. Y’know what, fuck you” is what Micket wanted to say—he felt the words about to launch off the tip of his tongue. Instead, before he knew what he was doing, Mickey lied.

“Uhhhhh. I guess, man. Y’know, I had that thing down in Mexico with, uh, Julio.” Mickey looked down at his bare feet on the tiled bathroom floor, knowing that Ian would see right through him if he looked directly in his eyes.

Ian’s eyebrows raised in genuine confusion as he leaned over the sink. “Julio? Who the fuck is Julio?” Ian sputtered as he spit out a mouthful of foamy toothpaste.

“Were you not listening, smartass? He was my… my lover. I was in Mexico a long time before I snitched on the cartel and threw my life away for your ass.”

Ian stood up and placed his toothbrush in a cup on the shelf above the sink, turning to look at Mickey, who finally raised his gaze from the linoleum. Ian didn’t look hurt, which was what Mickey was aiming for— more than anything, Ian just looked thoroughly confused, and maybe a little bit amused.

“You’ve never mentioned anything about some dude named Julio, Mick. Where’d you meet him?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know, Gallagher.”

Mickey stormed out of the bathroom, and turned the corner into their bedroom. It was this fucking quarantine, that was the problem—the same way that they were down each other’s throats when they were cramped together in a tiny jail cell. They were so used to the lack of each other that being together always seemed to make a mess of things. Ian didn’t actually mean that he had been in love with other people— right?

People annoyed Mickey, mostly— sex was sex, just another bland part of his bland life of doing runs for his dad, living in his fucked-up household, getting drunk with his brothers. And then one day, Ian came bursting through his door. Mickey would never forget that first time that he and Ian were together— in his opinion, that day probably permanently altered his brain chemistry or some shit. The day that he was laying in bed, woken up by a pale-faced angel whose chest was just as smooth and beautifully pale and freckled as the skin on his face and hands. And Mickey was also covered with skin, that was apparently covered with super-powered nerve endings that hadn’t done a goddamn thing his whole life, but came alive like ice and fire and bee stings as soon as Ian touched him. Wherever Ian touched him.

Sex was just sex to Mickey, for so long—but sex with Ian was on an entirely different plane of existence.

And the thought of Ian being like that with someone else, especially during that time when Mickey was locked up and there was a wall of plexiglass between them, a wall Mickey had put there himself when all he was doing was trying to protect Ian from Sammi’s bullshit; well, it made Mickey’s stomach churn.

Ian followed Mickey out of the bathroom and leaned on the doorframe of their bedroom, like he knew Mickey needed some space. “You and this Julio guy, you were like, together?”

Mickey kept his gaze downward as he put on a wrinkled shirt. “Hell yeah, man. We lived in a shack by the beach, fucked all day long. You don’t know everything about me, Gallagher.”

“I guess not.” Ian mused, still looking like he half didn’t believe Mickey. “So, uh. This Julio guy. You’re saying he has a piece of your heart?”

“Oh yeah, a big ol’ chunk of it. You aren’t special, Gallagher. In fact, he might have a bigger piece than you do, with all the fucking bickering we’ve been doing lately,” Mickey spat out as he pulled on his shoes.

Ian rolled his eyes, but sensing Mickey’s tension, he kept talking. “Mick, you know I didn’t mean it. You have the majority of my heart. The vast majority.”

Mickey scoffed, feeling more pissed off than ever. “Oh, yeah? How much is that, exactly?”

“I don’t know… 87%?”

Mickey looked at Ian, charging up for a fight. “Fuck you. That’s not enough.”

“It is enough, Mick. I’ve been with so many people I can barely remember their names. You know what it was like at the club. That’s 87% for you, and 13% for every other meaningful connection I’ve ever had in the years we were apart—that seems pretty stacked to me.”

“Yeah, well, joke’s on you, motherfucker, because you don’t even have that much of my heart, anyways. In fact, maybe I’ll go back down to fucking Mexico and see if Julio’s still around.”

Ian rolled his eyes. “Mick, calm down. You don’t mean that.”

“I do, asshole. Excuse me for thinking I had your whole heart, instead of pissing away 13% of it while I was locked behind bars and tattooing your fucking name onto my chest.” Mickey turned to where Ian was blocking the doorway. “You gonna let me through?”

Ian sighed, gently putting a hand up to Mickey’s chest to stop him from barreling past into the hallway. “Okay, listen, all that shit came out wrong. You know you’re the only one that matters.”

Mickey looked at Ian’s hand on his chest, then looked up and to meet Ian’s gaze. “Do I?” he said, in a softer voice than he realized.

Ian smirked, and let his arms glide up Mickey’s chest and around his shoulders, locking him in close. “Hey. Of course you are. You’re the only one I ever wanted to be with forever.”

“Fuck you,” Mickey said earnestly, but he didn’t try to shake himself from Ian’s grasp.

Ian let his hands roam up to cradle the back of Mickey’s head in his hands, making sure he had Mickey’s undivided attention. “Listen. All those people, like Ned or Kash or whoever, they were all an important part of me becoming who I am, and nothing can change that. But they’re all a part of our love story, Mick. They’re all… minor characters, on the path of me getting to marry you.”

Now Mickey was the one rolling his eyes, his tough exterior finally starting to melt. “Yeah, okay softie.” His eyes flickered downward, in one last moment of vulnerability. “It’s just… it’s hard to forget all the stuff I missed out on, all the time we both coulda had. Time where you were with other people and not me.”

Ian pecked Mickey’s forehead, holding him in close. “Yeah, well, we have plenty of time now. Almost too much time. So much time that we’re ripping each other’s heads off.”

Mickey leaned back, and smirked. “Well, I’ve got a pretty good idea of what we can do with all that time on our hands, Mr. Milkovich.”

Ian leaned in closer, Mickey’s face millimeters from his. “Oh yeah?”

As Mickey leaned in to close the gap between their lips, he felt the nerve endings all over his body going fucking crazy again—maybe it had been a bumpy path for them both, and maybe he’d lost some of Ian along the way, but he couldn’t deny that this was worth the wait.

#ty for the prompt!<3 #gallavich #gallavich fic #shameless #ian x mickey #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich

[apenapaperandadoofus]

wE NEED A VNADY, RIKA, RAY, ETC ETC WHOEVER YOU'D LIKE TO WRITE PLEASE

ALRIGHT ASK AND YOU SHALL RECIEVE

Mornings (Vanderwood, Rika, Unknown+ Alters -its alters right? Bc for some reason my brain translates it to personas and it's just- MA'AM WHAT)

Vanderwood:

While he worked at the agency he barely left with a goodbye.

He didn't want to be actually saying goodbye forever.

Instead he would give you a quick kiss and immediately leave.

When they got rid of the agency tho?

Honestly this man will not admit how much he freakin loves you.

I like to think that in his 'route' or smth MC was in really heavy danger, and he realized just how much he cares about them. Now he's not so much of a "i-its not like I like you or anythin!" Sort of relationship, but instead it'll be like "god I love this dumbass do much....dammit." He will show he loves you by cooking your favorite food, or suddenly coming up to you and hugging you while blushing like crazy.

It always depends on who's up first. If it's him he'll stay in bed with you until you wake up. Those days he will be super honest with you. That's when he lets his guard fully down, and he shows how much he adores you.

He is also a housewife. You cannot change my mind, MAKE THE V+SAERAN+VANDERWOOD HOUSE WIFE CLUB I BEG YOU-

On days you both don't have to work or do anything, he will draw up a bath for the two of you to shower together while he hugs you and kisses your forehead. He isn't one to say "you are my everything" or "I love you" or "I'm crazy for you", instead he shows it and imprints his love for you in all his kisses and all his caresses.

Rika:

(She's healthy in this of course)

She wakes you up with kisses and smooches all over your face, saying I'm a sing-song voice to wake up! You have a very busy day today!!

She will dance around the room, and help you cook breakfast.

You both help each other while dressing yourselves, with her helping tie a ribbon or tie while you caress her hair, making her giggle.

On days you don't have to do anything, if it's too late she will wake you up by muzzling her nose against yours, and then you will both lay in bed talking about work or the RFA, or things you both want to do to change the world. Those days you will both make breakfast later than usual.

Unknown:

Oh honey.

Oh boy

I don't know if I'd like waking up with him.

I mean a masochist part of me is like MMM YEAH CUTE BOI but on the other hand it's like bAbY nO

Unknown sometimes let's you sleep in.

He woke you up super early before, but after he began caring about you he realized that you're a human being and you need rest.

As soon as you wake up he will give you his usual smirk. "Good morning princess~ I was about to wake you with a kiss of you didn't get up soon~"

He will have some breakfast ready for you (and probably some elixir too, although he honestly doesn't want you to take as much -this guy, deep down really cares about you, he just shows it in very...uhm... strange ways.)

You will both eat together, with Unknown telling you your schedule for today and what evil plans you want to get done.

If not and you're both eating pescefullt then it will probably be cut short by the two of you having to go to work.

If there are days where you don't have to do anything, which...uhmm....is probably impossible, then he will keep you in bed with him for the whole morning, biting and kissing your neck, while pressing your bare body against his, not letting you go while whispering and teasing you.

Ray:

You almost never get to wake up with him :(

He will be already gone by the morning, but he will always leave you some nice breakfast and a note, attached with a flower.

"I'm really sorry I had to leave to work really early. I'd love to stay just one morning with you...to see your beautiful face as you wake up...to caress your cheeks and maybe even...kiss you...

Ah! But don't tell savior I said that! ! Work is going fine, and I don't deserve you worrying about me. I hope you enjoy the breakfast I cooked for you.

I'll see you later, my one and only love 💕

~Ray"

Suit!Saeran:

Mornings are not....normal.

You almost never get to sleep, and are woken up by a very mad Saeran.

"Who said you could fully sleep huh?? Get up princess. I'm pretty bored today, so why don't we have some fun?"

Your days are filled with either screams or yells or insults from him, especially if he had had a bad day.

Although.... sometimes... sometimes he will come up to your room, when it's really early, and come to lay beside you in bed.

Those moments he will be quiet. He won't day anything.

Although...if you listen closely you can hear him...sobbing?

Those moments, you will quietly wrap your arms around him and rub his back, or caress his hair.

It's just...gosh it's been so hard....and he can't do anything about what is happening now.

Then, a few hours later when you wake up, you will have some breakfast. He won't be anywhere around, but then you'll recieve a text message from him.

"Don't look so surprised. Eat up.

.....

Thanks for yesterday. Even if I didn't need your stupid help.

Don't expect this to repeat again, so you'd better eat everything on your plate and when I come back I expect you to be on your knees telling me how grateful you are to have such a kind master.

Then you will pay me back with something else.

SE! Saeran:

You two had moved in together when you felt Saeran was well enough mentally to finally leave his brother and his partner to start a new life with his own.

Some mornings start better than others.

There are days where he will wake up and smile at you, kissing you and then getting breakfast ready for you.

Others...well...

Sometimes though, mornings will be a bit hard. When that happens you will wake up first and make him breakfast. Sometimes you will run your hands through his hair while hugging him and whispering reassuring words.

Other days he will wake up before you and make you breakfast. He's also a bit of a house wife, since he likes keeping busy while you work.

When you don't have to do anything, then he will hold you close and bury his head on your chest, telling you he loves you, and you'll both cuddle until you get hungry and have to get breakfast!

#mystic messenger #saeran choi #vanderwood mm #mysme #rika mm

[userastarion]

alright so after crying about my anxiety on my own enough times and realizing venting in a notes app about my emotions is not cutting it i’m going to write about it here because what is blogging if not oversharing on the internet persevering

i haven’t outlined the situation in its entirety in writing yet bc i have only spoken to myself abt it and i obviously know what’s going on so! here we go!

in case you missed it, my (first and only) relationship started a handful of months ago with a navy submariner. (i didn’t know he was navy when we started talking but w/e that’s not the point.) we had 2 weeks after we first met before he was out to sea for a month, accessible by email. then we had 3 weeks in person again before he was deployed for 6 months (we’re into month 4 of said deployment now).

the first time they hit port, he contacted me as much as he could, and i could tell. i appreciated that and told him so. i kept getting these rushes of affection for him -- enough for me to be like, “fuck, am i in love with this man?” -- and a night or two before they went out to sea again we exchanged kind of sappy messages wherein he told me he loves talking to me and wishes he could talk to me more while in port but his international cell service is shit so it’s hard. but he told me he missed me a lot and said he wouldn’t rather be anywhere but back with me.

now, during the first two months of deployment, email communication was sporadic at best but at the very least available. when they left port after the first visit, they went dark -- so for 6.5 weeks, i heard absolutely nothing from or about him. i managed to cope with this in an okay way. it was rough at first but then when global politics did their thing i started kind of assuming i wasn’t going to hear from him again until they got back, and once i accepted that, i was fine.

so then last week i get a text on monday that he’s in port again, which i did not expect, and what a nice surprise that was! we texted throughout the day and i was really grateful to know he was safe and doing ok.

however! he was frustrated with his phone being reset and having to fix everything, and to my anxious ass brain, that colored the rest of our conversation. to outside eyes i honestly doubt it would have but to me i was like well he’s annoyed now and something feels different about how we’re talking. (could i point out those differences to you? absolutely not. they probably don’t exist. but ~anxiety~.) plus, this time, we hadn’t been communicating for the entire time in between, so there’s part of me at this point starting to wonder if that had altered how we talked to each other.

no contact tuesday. that should have been fine, but i have no idea how long he’s in port for, and after so long without hearing from him i was DESPERATE to hear his voice. so i started to get kind of antsy. last time they were in port i got antsy when i didn’t hear from him too. it sucks because i have literally NO idea what’s going on over there. i have no clue how much he’s having to work, how much his service is actually working, if his phone is charged, if he has other plans with his friends, nothing. and as an anxious person, this uncertainty sometimes destroys me. but we’ll get to that.

he finally called for the first time on wednesday after not answering my last text (which, ok, he does that sometimes -- just leaves a text when he plans to call) and then of course it was as i was leaving the doctor’s office, so i ask if i can call him back, but 8 mins later he wasn’t answering me again. such is life with a navy sailor in port. i know his work schedule can get whack and things change quickly so i tried not to hold it against him or anything but you can imagine my disappointment as i continue my day bitter af that i only got to hear his voice for 7 seconds after almost 2 months without it. fortunately, he did call me that night, but he had plans to go out with his friends... and though he said “i’ll call you later,” which he used to almost always follow through on, he didn’t. i also felt like our conversation wasn’t spectacular, but y’all, trying to talk and catch up with someone who cannot tell you what they’ve been up to for the time you haven’t spoken is a real feat. especially when he’s surrounded by people all the time and will respond to them when they speak to him. (which does drive me a little bit insane ngl. but i digress. the guy’s been on a submarine for 4 months.)

thursday rolled around and we texted a bit. eventually he stopped responding so i was like alright whatever he must have gotten busy or had something to do. i had plans that day so it worked out fine, except as i was lingering outside where i was hanging out with folks he called. so i had to plan to call him back, and i did, and we talked for literally 10 minutes before he had to go for what i thought was briefly (to switch his laundry, lmao) but took over an hour for him to get back to me. and that’s fine!! i mean, yeah, i felt a little like i was left hanging, but he did call me back, and then we talked for almost an hour at least. i got him talking more and things felt better. he had plans with his friends, and he had to shop, so we said our goodbyes, but again he ended it with “i’ll call you later,” and didn’t. that night i decided that “later” probably means “tomorrow.”

except!!!! that was the last time i heard from him. at all. i figured he had a duty day (which is like a 24+ hr workday) bc that’s why he couldn’t reach out on tuesday, so i let friday go, but now i haven’t heard from him in days and like i said before, there is literally no way for me to know what’s going on. for all i fucking know, they left port already. last time, he called me the day they were leaving and told me he’d try to text me if they were for sure leaving and then couldn’t, so it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility, although i have a pretty strong faith in him to not just ghost me. especially when he’s deployed. but the navy is the navy, and sometimes things change quickly.

but i have anxiety. especially in relation to my romantic prospects. and especially when there is any kind of uncertainty. uncertainty makes me extremely anxious, and with so much uncertainty in all of this, i have been having a Time.

i have this fear that has nestled its way into my heart and my mind and i don’t know how to make it go away. i am absolutely terrified that something has shifted in our relationship. i have been really worried he could lose interest over time, that his feelings would fade as deployment went on, because at this point he has been gone longer than we knew each other before he left, much less even had time to see and/or speak to each other. i felt good about things two months ago but now i am scared. 

i have been steadily spiraling and catastrophizing as i go longer and longer without hearing from him bc last time in port the longest i went with no word was about a day. he ALWAYS tried to reach out. if his service was shit, he used discord over wifi. this time i have had absolute radio silence for 3 days now and i’m freaking out about it. (now let me be clear: this is a port-specific situation. he’s really far away and with so much unpredictability around his situation, i am on edge constantly. just not usually about his feelings.)

i have tried to reassure myself about not hearing from him or the possibility of him only reaching out due to a feeling of obligation rather than actually enjoying talking to me by reminding myself i have no clue what is keeping him from contacting me. maybe work is ramping up because they need to go back out to sea soon. maybe his phone service is down. maybe since they have more free time around this port stop, he has simply been utilizing that free time as much as he can before having to go live in a metal tube underwater for months again. or maybe he just doesn’t want to! there is literally no way for me to know!

but now that knowledge has warped from kind of a comfort to something that literally kept me awake last night. what if he doesn’t care anymore? what if he’s ignoring me on purpose? i’ve sent one text per day and they’ve all gone unanswered and i don’t know why. (tonight’s i sent about an hour ago so i guess technically there’s still time for that one bc we’re on a Wild time difference but whatever.) i decided if my third one gets no response, then it’s time for me to take a hint. whether that hint is intentional or not. i don’t want to feel like i am coming across as desperate as i feel if it turns out he’s blowing me off. my messages haven’t necessarily warranted a response, but when someone asks you to wait for them over a 6 fucking month deployment and it’s your first relationship, you would hope they wouldn’t just ghost you. especially not while overseas.

i am not like this normally. when he’s around i don’t feel the need to constantly hover. but the uncertainty, like i keep saying, of having him so far away and no access to any news regarding what or how he’s doing or where he’s at or even his emotional state, is driving. me. insane.

the other thing i keep going back to is... yeah, this time feels different. we’re farther along in deployment. i think, based on what my sailor has said, a lot of the guys are feeling different now too. and based on research i’ve done, chances are the relationship will change when he gets back from deployment too, because we’ve been away from each other for so long. 

but!!! aside from lack of communication, i have no evidence anything has changed. he has still called me when he found the time to and texted back at least a few times. 

i have no idea why he isn’t talking to me. i don’t know if it’s on purpose or not. and this has left an anxious pit in my stomach that has lived there for over 24 hours now. i have cried more in the last 36 hours than i have in like the last month. my anxiety kept me awake last night. that hasn’t happened in years! normally i struggle to fall asleep when he’s in port because i’m unintentionally keeping myself awake in case he calls or texts, but i have my sound on -- i don’t miss any calls or messages, even if i am sleeping.

i’m just a mess about this whole thing because i don’t know anything. his last night before deployment, we got into an argument, and one of the things he said was, “it sounds like you need someone who’s here more often.” and i fought back, said i could handle it, that that wasn’t an issue i had with things. but now i’m kind of afraid he could be right.

granted, this is such a specific situation. it’s not exactly usual to have your not-quite-boyfriend in the fucking ocean for 6 months, inaccessible to contact for 4 of those months.

i just don’t know how to handle this situation or the emotions it’s bringing with it. i have fought so hard to cope with deployment because this is my first romantic relationship and i damn well want it to work out. but i can only work with it if there is something there to work with. when i am left unanswered with no idea why, i start to spiral, and i have hit the point where i’m absolutely out of control. i was crying at work on friday. i had to bail on breakfast with my friends this morning bc i got no sleep last night and felt like awful, anxious shit.

i really like him. i am starting to need confirmation he still really likes me.

i told my mom about some of this and she said, gently and piercing, “you always knew this was a possibility, though, right? with him being gone for so long?” yeah, mom, of course i had worried about our feelings changing, but since he had straight-up told me “do you think i’m just going to leave and then come back and dump you? i would hope i’d have made it clear that wasn’t the plan,” at least before he left.

chances are it’s innocuous. chances are, he has been working really hard, and probably taking advantage of his literal time in the sun before they won’t see it for months again, and i have nothing to worry about. but i am worrying, and it fucking sucks. i’m so tired of feeling like shit about this. the ONLY THING i have that’s concrete and giving me something to worry about, or so my brain thinks, is not hearing from him for a few days.

i have been trying to figure out what i’m going to do if it turns out he did ghost me. i don’t know. i told myself earlier today i’d probably just cry for a few days and move on. but i won’t know for sure until more time passes and i do or do not receive any kind of message.

my mom told me i should just reach out and ask him if he could keep me posted on when they’re leaving, but i felt weird doing that. especially after 2 unanswered messages. i felt like it would come across as guilting him for not talking to me, and if he has been unable to communicate because of forces out of control, i didn’t want to even come close to that kind of connotation. so i settled on a reminder to drink water and added in a little “got these reminders in while i can” to sort of remind him i know we’re on a time limit. maybe that was worse. maybe that could be guilting him too. i don’t know.

that’s the thing of it, huh? i don’t know. i don’t know what the fuck is going on and it is making me want to scream until i have no voice left in me and no energy left to try. my anxiety makes me so laser-focused and i feel so terrible about the whole thing and i’m angry that i’m so upset but that doesn’t negate how upset i feel and it’s just a huge mess. 

if i could just hear from him. so much of this would go away. but all i can do is wait. and it is so FUCKING DIFFICULT.

#this is long and i will probably delete it #but god i needed to get this shit out of me #i think it offered me some catharsis altho the pit is still lovingly homed in my stomach #i am so over feeling like this i don't think i've had this horrible a time all at once for a While #b:personal #text post #tbd

[thoughtfullyyoungduck]

Schooling

A/N: hi anon! From what you’re requesting it’s pretty obvious that you’re struggling a grave bit with schooling and as someone who has been there (literally, I changed my major five times), I want to assure you that everything always falls into place the way it should be. I believe in you! 

Also, as i was posting this I remembered that I don’t know how schooling works in the USA so I just wrote it from a Belgian perspective. 

Summary: could u do a richie x reader where reader wants to be a musician but their parents are forcing them into sum hard uni course, but the readers getting awful grades and then accidentally applies to a random easy program instead of the hard one and freaks out tht her future ruined, so richie convinces the reader she doesn’t need to worry bc she’ll be a famous musician instead

High school was not a thriving environment for you. You had your friends, the losers club, who you adored and couldn’t imagine your life without, but you were also bullied relentlessly, and you weren’t fond of the studying part of the school dynamic. No one is, supposedly, but compared to Stan and Ben – both possessing the motivation and drive to put it in the effort, and Richie and Mike who were effortlessly smart, you felt lost.

The idea of college was the only thing holding you up, the only motivation to get through your high school years. That musical course you planned on taking was a bright light at the end of the tunnel. In hindsight’s, you accumulated way too much pressure on yourself for imagining college to be this amazing place where you would get to thrive in life. The reality was a lot more grim.

The first problems arose in choosing your major. Your friends had all zoned in on one – or were getting close to at least-, but you were clueless about what the right thing to do was. There were worlds apart between what you thought would truly bring you joy in life, and what your parents were manipulating you into choosing.

Your parents, at least when you’re younger, have the biggest influence on your view on the world and the way you see yourself fit in it. When your parents pushed you towards a biology degree, and kept at it for months, you agreed.

From day one, you knew it had been a mistake. You shared a few classes with Stan, and those all went over fine -because you had a friend around that you needed to stay strong for-, but the moment you had your first class, a deep feeling of dread settled inside you. Despite not enjoying high school like some might, at that moment you hoped for a miracle to turn back time.

Tests passed by in a flurry, and as each one got progressively worse, your mental health followed suit. You were caught in a visions cycle of bad grades and bad emotions, and it drained you so bad that anything that could potentially have anything to do with school, like emails, send you into a frenzy.

The inevitable happens on a Wednesday after school. You wasted a lot of time thinking of what could be, and winded up at the school that organized the musical course. On the home page of the sight, there had been a test titled: ‘is our schooling up your lane?’, and you, snorting with irony, took it to be coy. They asked a bunch of personal questions, and you didn’t think anything of it, until you received and email to state that you had started your admission to the school. The month long building tension snapped, and you started crying hysterically. You weren’t sure what you had done and if it was even anything to worry about, but everything got to be too much, and you wanted your best friend with you.

Richie arrived a mere ten minutes after your phone call, and let himself in to your bedroom where you were still crying on the bed. Thank god your parents weren’t home.

‘What’s up with you?’ Richie asked incredibly, sinking down on his back next to you on the bed. You appreciated the lack of fake sympathy and pity.

‘Same old,’ was the only thing you could come up with to say. You didn’t know if you had the energy to rehash everything again.

‘Your schooling again?’

‘It’s my schooling everyday Richie. It’s important.’

‘Is it as important as hanging out with me?’ It coaxes a laugh out of you, but the lighthearted moment is quickly squashed. You can’t shut off your kind and live in the moment. With everything you do, the reality slams on you, never allowing you to have a break.

‘Yes Richie. I know that school doesn’t matter to you, but it does to me. My parents will kill me if they find out I applied to this course. Help me.’

Your leg begins to bounce, a sign that your anxiety is taking over completely. Richie can recognize the signs, as he himself displays them often.

‘Calm down y/n, you’ll just follow the music program and became a musician. I’ll pay you to be my support act, and all of the losers will come to watch us. It’ll be fine.’

‘For you maybe, but my parents will kill me when they find out.’ It’s true. Before you enrolled in biology, you had already hinted at maybe following a music path, and your mom had shut it down faster then you could even finish your sentence.

Richie snorts. ‘Your parents are mad at you all the time. Who cares, in a few years you’ll be out of there and you won’t have to listen to them ever.’

‘But-‘

‘Y/N/N, come on’, Richie interrupts cheerfully. He throws one of his legs atop your to stop your leg from moving. ‘You’re stressing over nothing. If you can tell Bowers to fuck if you can do anything.’

‘Well Bowers was nothing, he’s just pathetic. This’, you empathizes ,‘is my future Richie.’ You sigh, completely disheartened. Your pc screen is lit up, and you notice a new email pop up from your new school. You can’t take it, why can’t you have a few moments to collect your thoughts?

‘What if I’m not good enough?’ You ask him quietly, sagging against Richie for support. It’s now that your true stress comes out. Your parents views are a problem, but if you were truly convinced that you could do it, you would go against their wishes anyway. ‘What if I do this, and I have to hear about how disrespectful I am for years, and it doesn’t pay off?’

Cruelly, Richie laughs. That’s weird. Richie is never fully serious, he always has a way to alter a situation into something cheerful, but he’ll never be intentionally rude.

‘Please? Not being good enough? You’re the best musician I’ve ever seen and heard.’

‘We live in Derry, that’s not saying much.’

‘I mean it. My second favorite thing is listening to you with your instrument, my favorite is still fucking Eddie’s mom though.’ A mom joke while you were debating over your major was not something you were aiming for, but hey, it’s Richie. Are you really surprised?

‘What do I do if I fail?’

‘You won’t. But if you do, you can always do that one year school thing right? You have the rest of your life to do the adult thing, why not choose your happiness now?’

It’s profound in a way Richie isn’t often -and in a way that people don’t credit him enough-. He has a hard time being serious, but you know that once he is, he always tells the truth. Maybe this time, he is too.

‘You truly believe that?’

‘It’s as true as my wang is long.’

‘Gross’, you protest, but his words light a fire under u. It gives you a whole new wave of confidence, a way to see things from a different perspective. Why wouldn’t you go for it and take the chance? Why should you be stuck doing something you take no pride or joy in. Your parents will be a problem, but this is not the life they have to life. They have made their own decisions, and now it’s time for you to take yours. Are you willing to do something for the rest of your life simply for your parents approval?

Another email filters in, one to confirm your decision to enroll in the new major. Richie intertwines your hands, offering up more strength to do what you have to. With one last encouraging smile, you nod to yourself, and press accept.

#richie tozier #My writing #richie x reader #richie Tozier x reader #richie tozier imagine #x reader #it imagines #the losers x reader #the losers club x reader #the losers club imagines

[ceoofuwu]

𝐈𝐂𝐘 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 ;; 𝘥𝘢𝘣𝘪 𝘹 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒: 𝟏.𝟒𝐤

𝐀/𝐍: So, FINALLY I finished this piece and I’m so happy bc it took nearly a month AHAHAHAA (I know I’m terrible) AnYwAy, I think Dabi is “sweet but a psycho”? (yeah sweet inside VERY DEEP DOWN) and... inspired by this... here you go, everyone! <333 Lots of love, stay safe, positive and hydrated!!!

𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒: As long as you had discovered that place, everything was great. But, at the end of the day, you weren’t the only one to have made that discovery....

𝐓.𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: hurt/comfort

Tranquility.

Gentle breezes swirling around, fiddling with light hair, caressing an innocent face. Soft moonlight showering the concealed glade, eventually lighting up the night sky.

Serenity.

A reflection of the star-kissed canvas above depicted on the frozen surface before you. The sight seemed to have been plucked out of a fairy tale. Until that moment, not even the thought of a frozen lake serving as a prism to the infinitude of the stars had crossed your naïve mind.

This small fragment of Heaven had been a recent discovery of yours. In need of a break, a relief from all the duties chasing after you in the League, a walk was the least you could ask.

Yet, who could have possibly foreseen the blessing you’d come across?

Wandering around there, watching miracles unfolding before your eyes…. That was by far the most tranquilizing activity you had engaged yourself in.

Complete and utter silence, the moon shining upon this otherworldly scenery in its full glory and merely the humble sounds of nature dolling this fantasy up. The most mesmerizing trait though, was the lake made of ice, which looked exactly like a crystal mirror projecting the star-blown sky. Its glossy transparency was little by little dazing you into attempting to walk on it.    

Well, not that you could blame yourself. You’d always hear people commenting on how amazing the experience was. Besides, you couldn’t help but imagine how mind-blowing it would be to see the stars, those unreachable sparkles of light, under your feet.

Curiosity urged you to take a step farther and bring your delicate body in the edge of the lake.

Would it be slippery? Icy? Smooth maybe?

You wouldn’t know unless you tried.

You outstretched your leg quite hesitantly, with a surge of doubt washing over you, what with this whole novel array of emotions. Your heart had begun to pound insanely fast inside your chest as you were overwhelmed with excitement and impatience but, just as the tip of your shoe brushed the surface…

«You must be one hell of an idiot to throw yourself in a frozen lake without knowing the odds of falling in» a familiar voice spoke behind you, as you felt a strong grip on your arm.

Come to think of it, you never considered the possibility of the ice being too thin to hold you, but…

«Dabi?!» you exclaimed as you turned around and saw your “savior”.

The raven-head immediately let go of you.

«Dude, what the hell are you doing here?! How did you even find this place?!» you asked frantically, shifting your body so that you could face him.

Dabi was looking down at his feet, hands on his pockets, minding his own business as usual and, of course, being unreadable. That lousy attitude of his was getting on your nerves from time to time but, he hadn’t done anything to intrude your privacy during the time of your comradeship. However, his way of acting in certain situations seemed really annoying to you.

His turquoise gaze flicked as it met with yours slowly.

«You don’t own the place, as far as I’m concerned».

Cocky bastard.

He had a point though. It was simply a glade, hidden in the density of the city’s forest. It belonged to no one, which simultaneously meant that everyone could have access to it.

You rolled your eyes, feeling quite irritated by the fact that he was right. It’s not like you had some sort of problem with him, it’s just that you didn’t like it when others proved you wrong.

«I don’t alright but… how did you end up here?» you asked, fiddling with your fingers nervously, genuinely feeling curious.

«Well… I was just… walking the other day and then I found this place… which ended up being to my liking…» he said, his gaze moving around the place and never focalizing somewhere specifically.

You nodded in agreement, «That lake is so… magic—«

«I hate that lake».

You averted your goggled-up eyes to meet your companion. He was standing upright; head tilted upwards, black hair and coat getting carried away by the soft currents of wind, bright cerulean eyes, suddenly narrowing to a dark, nostalgic glare.

You could confidently say that you were witnessing one of the most terrifyingly beautiful sights in your life; the horrific murderer of a man bowing to the one and only indomitable conqueror: the past.

You felt tiny beads of sweat coursing down your forehead in nervousness, searching frantically for something to grasp onto, as the urge to run away took your being over. Dabi was a horribly dreadful man; what made him like this though, weren’t his capabilities as a serial killer but the fact that, you knew so little about him. The unknown is and will always be by far the most frightening thing.

«I don’t like the ice…» he spoke menacingly low, his obscure look still transfixed to the void. You chose not to reply and await his word instead, feeling too self-cautious to find the courage to talk.

«It reminds me of… back then…» he murmured as a twisted smile bent his lips slightly. His stance didn’t alter one bit, standing haughtily against the wind with the soft moonlight steeping his form delicately.

Back then?

«Does anyone know about… back then?» the words slipped out of your lips involuntarily, making you cover your mouth with your hands in embarrassment.

The twisted smile stretched exceedingly, eventually managing to distort his facial features into a sick, maniacal expression. A psychotic laugh followed shortly, echoing in the nightly horizon, bringing out the derangement hidden within his broken soul.

«Back then… is Hell» he retorted coldly, no emotion but aversion, lacing his hoarse voice.

Just how traumatized are you, Dabi?

Silence. Long, comfortable silence. You took your sweet time to process your comrade’s pained words, seeking some way to comfort him. Could you though? Years of trauma was weighing down on your shoulders. You had no idea what he had been through, you didn’t even know his real name, for God’s sake! How could you help someone without knowing even the most basic things about them?

But I need to help…

Taking one swift, curt breath, you plucked up the courage to speak up, «Was it… that bad?» you asked with a cautiously low voice, not entirely sure what to expect as an answer.

Dabi’s slim body shifted immediately, his sadistic grin once again deforming his features, to something truly repulsive and… horrific.

«Bad you say?» he laughed ironically, «Do you even have the slightest idea how it feels to wake up every day and genuinely believe you’re a piece of trash, an unworthy dross?» he raised the tone of his voice taking a step closer to you, «Or to wonder if you actually should have been born?» another step, «Have you ever been rejected by your own family?» another, more infuriated step, «Have you questioned your existence?» he stopped in front of you, looking down on you, his judgmental finger pointing to you, «HAVE YOU—«

Without allowing him to finish another self-distractive sentence, you dived in instinctively, your arms wrapped around his built torso, and before realizing it, you were embracing Dabi in your miserable attempt to comfort him.

«No, I haven’t. But that doesn’t mean you can’t share your thoughts and pain with anyone, Dabi» you inhaled some of his scent, «…the more you bottle up your emotions and shut them in, the more drained you’ll feel…» you expected his arms to wrap around you too, yet, it never happened.

«How do you know?»

A hefty sigh of relief jumped out of your lips, «It happens even at the simplest of situations… sometimes when I feel down and don’t let it out somehow, I feel like I constantly have something weighing down on me… something that’s holding me down…» you explained, slowly letting go of him.

When you looked up and saw his clouded eyes, you noticed something converted in them. As if all this psychopathic tension had been replaced by something more… gentle… mundane… and the light smile that grazed his lips accounted for that.

«If you ever want to talk to someone… I’ll be here…» you informed him and carefully strayed, far from that place, leaving Dabi all alone, while he stared at that frozen lake, which brought back so many grievous, icy cold memories…

Hope you enjoyed! Leave a heart, comment, reblog! 💕

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