#basically saying I should suck it up and try and then decide whether I'd try the other (more open) hospital later instead | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

keis-slut · 1 year

Text

argue|k.tsukishima, t.kageyama

CW: THREESOME, DIRTY TALK, DEGRADING, PRAISE, ORAL SEX, HAIR PULLING, GAGGING

Reader POV

"please, Kageyama! I really want to tryout!" I beg, holding my hands together as I stand in front of the towering male.

"i'm just too busy to be coaching you right now, y/n" Kageyama pouts, crossing his arms and looking away with a dust of pink lingering on his cheeks.

"you suck" I say, knitting my eyebrows.

"you swallow" He retorts, adjusting his sports bag on his shoulders, a proud smirk forming on his lips.

"you wish" I snap back, noticing the rest of his teammates walking out of the gym as well.

"seems like The King just picks fights with everyone around here, huh? got nothing better to do?" The blonde comes over and teases Kageyama.

"shut up, Sucky-shima!" Kageyama shouts, stomping his foot like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

"Tsukishima, Kageyama is being an ass. I want to tryout for the girls volleyball team-" I start, and he turns to face me, towering over me just as much as Kageyama.

"-but i'd like some help at least learning the basics before I do. would you mind helping me out?" I ask him, and he sends me a condescending smile.

"if it pisses off Kageyama, yes" He agrees, but not in the way I was hoping. Still, it's something.

"if that's the best i'm gonna get then i'll take it" I say, rolling my eyes as Kageyama is practically fuming.

"no, I changed my mind, i'll help you! Tsukishima won't do shit, he's just doing it to get under my skin!"

Kageyama continues to throw his tantrum as I let out a 'tch' at the same time Tsukishima does as well. He narrows his golden eyes at me, not in a rude manner, but a way I couldn't put my finger on just yet.

"there's no going back now, she's mine"

His tone sent shivers down my spine as he never broke eye contact, and I couldn't quite understand this feeling I felt, nor did I understand Tsukishimas intentions either.

"did you guys figure out what you're doing yet?" Daichi asks, stepping out of the gym and closing the doors behind him.

"we're all going to head our separate ways now, so whatever you decide, just get home safe" He adds on, waving to the three of us and heading the other direction.

"tryouts for girls volleyball starts next week, so i'd like to do something soon since it's already Wednesday" I explain to Tsukishima. He stops for a minute and turns around, checking if the gym behind us was still open.

He slides the door open easily.

"looks like we'll be practicing in here tonight" Tsukishima speaks nonchalantly, stepping into the gym as I follow.

Kageyama still hasn't left, continuing to pout angrily as he follows us into the gym.

"I'm not leaving" He growls, closing the gym doors behind us.

"Good. so you can watch as I teach y/n better than you would've"

Kageyama doesn't respond, but just sits down on one of the benches with knitted brows.

He puts down his bag and other belongings, as Tsukishima does the same before coming over to me.

"i'll teach you a simple receive first, just bump the ball. you should bend your knees-" Tsukishima starts, walking slightly behind me.

"-and put your arms out. put your hands together- yes like that" He says, examining my posture as I bend my knees.

"no! you're teaching her wrong, four-eyes! her knees are too high and her arms aren't facing the right way!" Kageyama yells, pointing at us from the bench.

"oh? is she not bending low enough?" Tsukishima teases, walking behind me.

Suddenly, I feel two hands graze against my hips. Realizing it's Tsukishima, I let out a small gasp.

"w-what are you-?"

"is this better, King?" Tsukishima asks, bringing my body down a bit more to bend my knees, feeling his hands grip my waist a bit tighter.

I could feel the tension. I don't know what kind though, whether it was the tension between those two and Tsukishima obviously trying to piss off Kageyama, or the tension between Tsukishima and I, and how close he was to me. Where he was touching me.

And he only got more comfortable from there.

But the way they both went back and forth, well, I hate to admit that I found it attractive. Two really tall boys, very obviously bigger and stronger than me, fighting over me in some way. It was slightly arousing.

"why are you touching her like that?! you're not allowed to touch her like that, asshole!" Kageyama shouted, growling as he spit his insults at Tsukishima.

"someone's possessive, huh?" Tsukishima teased, and I could feel him moving his body closer to me, his hands still resting on my hips.

"w-what are- no!- you're just- Tsukishima!" Kageyama couldn't get his words out as he stomped over to us, wrapping his hand around my forearm and pulling me towards him, as Tsukishimas grip on my waist tightened slightly.

"i'm trying to teach her and you're messing it up" Tsukishima speaks, voice growing slightly lower.

I had both of them tugging me in different directions, the closeness of all three of us turning me on indecently.

I felt as if there was a different reason Tsukishima was so interested and eager to be teaching me how to play volleyball. From what i've heard, he's the type of guy who doesn't seem to care much for the sport at all.

So, why is he volunteering to help me if usually him and his attitude have better things to do?

It didn't make sense.

Also, why is Kageyama so passionate about helping me as well all of a sudden? and so protective of me?

"she never said you could touch her!" Kageyama says as I tune in to their argument.

"and she didn't ask you to help her"

"well you don't know her like I do!"

"you should've helped her from the start then"

The bickering as they go back and forth, they only inch closer and closer to each other, me being stuck right in between them as they hold onto me in such immodest ways, as I stand trying to control my lustful thoughts.

My chest heaves, and breathing becomes heavy as I fail to gather myself, a quiet whine sliding through my lips.

"g-guys- you're so close..." I say, picking my hands up and sliding them over Tsukishimas, which still rest aside my hips.

"y/n, did you just-? what was that noise?" Kageyama asks, a dusty red climbing to his cheeks.

"do you like me Kageyama?" I ask bluntly as I bring a hand up to fumble with the end of Kageyamas off-white sweater.

I feel Tsukishima abruptly rub his backside against me, not sure of it being intentional or not, but at the moment I didn't care.

"someone's being bold..." I hear Tsukishima mumble, leaving me to assume his closeness was indeed intentional. I express to Tsukishima I was comfortable with his actions by pushing myself into him more, as I pull down on Kageyamas shirt.

His face dusted with red, but it was now slightly darker as he still avoided my question.

"i'm going to take it as a yes if you're not going to deny it" I say, tip-toeing my hand up his chest to the collar of his shirt, our faces almost inches apart as I suddenly feel Tsukishimas warm breath against the back of my neck.

"if it helps-" Tsukishima starts, bending down closer to my ear, further sandwiching me between the two of them.

"-I'll say yes" He admits.

But before I could react, I feel a hand grasp my chin and pull my face upwards, my lips pushing against another's.

Kageyama places his hand on my hip, pushing Tsukishimas away, as his lips part against mine, his tongue greeting my lips not long after. I moan into the kiss as I feel Tsukishimas lips brush against my neck.

"may I?" Tsukishima purrs, and I break the kiss quickly, nodding my head.

"yes, please" I say, Kageyama capturing my lips back in his the next second.

"so needy..." Tsukishima growls, kissing up my neck towards my ear.

Kageyama then breaks the kiss to say something.

"we kissed first, you bastard" Kageyama claims against my lips, as if it were an achievement in a game him and Tsukishima were playing. Tsukishima pulls his lips away from my neck, probably covered in light red marks, and let's out a 'tch'.

"you probably suck at it" He spits, suddenly pulling my other arm to turn me around and face him. He stared me down, his sharp eyes piercing my soul and making my legs twitch as he towered over me. He started walking forwards as I backed up, with Kageyama still behind me. Kageyama started backing up as well, his hands finding it's way around my waist, and both of us eventually backing into a wall. Kageyama grips my hips, going to gently feel up my sides.

Tsukishima then leans down and uses his index finger to lift my chin up slightly.

"can you handle two?" He teases with a chuckle, leaving my legs to almost give out. He leans down and gives me a small eskimo kiss as he angles his lips against mine roughly. He brings both his hands up to my neck, wrapping them both around, but not squeezing. Just to keep in control.

Behind me, I felt Kageyamas hot breath against my lower neck, where Tsukishimas hands weren't placed, and definitely felt a tent forming in his pants against my backside too.

The gym we were still occupying grew extremely hot, and sexually tense. Tsukishima breaks the kiss and looks down at his pants, his large hand slightly palming himself.

"wanna take care of this, whore?" Tsukishima degrades unexpectedly, making between my legs pulse embarrassingly.

I turn my head towards the door of the gym with fear, but slight exhilaration forming in my chest as well, with the thought of someone walking in. Kageyama then grabs my jaw and turns my head back towards him from behind me.

"can I touch? please?" He asks, panting, his other hand prying at the bottom of my shirt.

I bring my hand down to his, and guide it up my shirt gently with a low moan. He moves one of my bra cups out of the way, and caresses my breast. I moan again, this time louder than the last, as Tsukishima bringing his hand behind my head and tugging my hair catches me off gaurd.

"fuck, Tsukishima!" I gasp in surprise.

I look down to see him already pumping himself, pants tugged down.

"you're gonna take care of this" He demands, gripping my hair tighter as he brings my head down.

I feel my knees start to give out, my arousal affecting my ability to even stand. I feel Kageyamas hand snake out from under my shirt, and massage up my back as I bend down, my backside pushed up against his obviously hardened cock.

"Kageyama, please, I can feel you..." I whisper, pushing myself against him more as I feel my panties slide against my arousal. He groans as I feel his other hand pull down his elastic shorts. After he pulls them down, I feel him spring loose, but his hand suddenly cups between my legs.

"f-fuck..." I moan, and Tsukishima brings his big hand to caress my jaw. I look down at his cock, noticing a bit of precum dripping from his slightly pink tip. His length was also impressive if I had to say. He had to be around seven inches almost, a bit on the skinnier side though, so lots of veins. My thoughts were cut off as Kageyama hooks his fingers around my panties through my shorts, moving them over to slide his fingers against my folds.

"fuck, y-you're so-ah" Kageyama groans, not even being able to finish his sentence as I bring my hand up to prop myself on Tsukishimas hip. Tsukishima brings his hand behind my head and pulls at my hair again, lifting my head up and bringing my lips only centimeters away from his tip. I moan as he grips on my hair harder, staring me down.

"suck" He demands, narrowing his eyes.

I roll my eyes back and stick my tongue out, teasing his tip as I can feel Kageyamas fingers pushing inside me. I wrap my lips around Tsukishimas tip, moaning as Kageyama has fit two fingers in from behind me. As I start bobbing my head, Kageyama curls his fingers, sending a wave of pleasure through my body as I moan against Tsukishimas cock. I notice as I did that, he throws his head back, twisting my hair in his hand as I suck him off.

But he grows impatient as he brings his other hand up to my hair as well, looking back down at me as he slightly thrusts his hips. He knits his eyebrows and let's out a low groan as his cock hits the back of my throat.

"your mouth feels so good" He growls, fucking my face at this point, as Kageyama prods at my g-spot.

"you're so tight, y/n, please, I want to feel you" Kageyama says, pulling his fingers out and circling my throbbing clit as my legs start to shake. I feel Tsukishima twitch in my mouth as his length slides down my throat.

I felt so overwhelmed, but it was just so hot.

And if I didn't want this, I would've done anything to avoid it. But I didn't.

I feel something warm drip down my throat, Tsukishima letting out a low growl of pleasure, sucking his teeth.

"fuck..." he breathes, pulling himself out of my mouth.

He grabs at my jaw and forces me to look up at him, a bit of his cum dripping from the side of my mouth. As he tightens his grip on my jaw, I feel Kageyamas tip slide past my folds as he holds my panties to the side, teasing my entrance.

"Kageyama, please..." I beg, feeling his hands massage my hips.

He doesn't think twice before thrusting into me, a low groan coming from his throat as I clench around him.

"fuck, fuck!" I whine, squeezing my eyes shut as I grab onto Tsukishimas shirt. Even though my eyes are locked shut, I could still feel Tsukishimas sharp gaze as Kageyama takes me as he pleases. Tsukishimas other hand finds it's way around my head, pulling my hair suddenly, causing my eyes to snap open as he forced me to look up at him.

"you look so pretty like this, I just might finish again" He purrs, bringing his face closer to mine as he still had cum dripping from his cock.

Before I could respond, Kageyama hits my g-spot as I gasp, and I throw myself against Tsukishimas pelvis, panting against his skin as my walls tighten around Kageyama.

"you feel so good, y/n, shit..." Kageyama groans, his hands holding on tighter to my waist.

Tsukishima still has his hand on my jaw, now bringing his fingers up to trace my lips. I stick out my tongue and drag them along his slender fingers, before he shoves them into my mouth. I moan as I suck on his fingers, him pushing them further to make me gag.

"you look so pretty getting fucked..." He praises, almost surprised it wasn't degrading.

I feel myself grow tighter against Kageyama as he pants, only thrusting harder trying to finish.

"I'm close, please, harder" I whisper through Tsukishimas retracting fingers, wondering how Kageyama even heard as he slaps his pelvis against my backside.

He then lurches himself forwards against my back, as I feel a familiar warm sensation inside me.

"oh, god" Kageyama pants, lifting himself up and pulling out of me.

I pull away from both of them, and throw myself against the wall next to Kageyama, catching my breath before going to place my panties in it's proper position.

"you guys-" I start, still catching my breath as I sigh.

"-didn't teach me any fucking volleyball-" I continue, looking up at their tired figures as I fix my hair.

"-so you both suck" I finish, throwing my head against the wall behind me.

#haikyuu!!#haikyu smut #haikyu x reader #hq kageyama #kageyama tobio #haikyuu kageyama #kageyama x reader #kageyama smut #tobio x y/n #tobio kageyama

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borreloadsavagedragon · 1 year

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Give Kaito essay (for the character meme)

Oh god, I’ll read more this because it’s gonna be a journey and that's also why it took so long gjdaslgk-

And the standard zexal and arc v spoilers warning message-

1. how long have i known about them A LONG time though it didn’t get to like he’s my whole world status until pandemic era-- MalindaChan did her cosplay for him back when I was still a certified Yugiboomer who entertained GX and 5DS because "lol abridged series jokes" and that’s when I first remember seeing his design? I tried watching Zexal briefly when it was actively airing but just couldn’t get far bc Boomer Brain ™, but I remember him being cool but the "Kaiba-likeness but not being Kaiba" Yugiboomer wall couldn't be overcome right away, I had to train my skills Then 2020 happened, I watched Vrains to understand Link Summoning, got SUCKED into it, and was like wow past me was dumb, ALL of the spinoffs are GREAT Zexal reached a hand back out to me when I was kinda struggling with the Vrains community and I'd decided to start writing more spinoff muses with some mutual friends and that's also when I realized I’d be subconsciously collecting Galaxy and Photon monsters since they’re pretty + space themed but also because they were inside of ALL of the Kaiba support sets(because DUH) so it was like,,, well, let’s try that again

Now I’m In Hell And It’s All His Fault Do you think I ENJOY playing Photon competitively? Well yes, but also NO. It means learning new decks is HARD because I can't look at dragons and knights in SPACE.

2. whether or not they’ve ever made me cry Moon duel? W,, what Moon duel,,, I don’t,,, remember any space dueling, ahaha, isn’t that another yugioh, the rush of the go,,,,,,, In all serious though, yes lmao The duel against Zexal when he tells you his reasoning for why he’s the Number Hunter and he looks so broken, that got a solid few tears The flashback of him trying to break Haruto out of the city got some tears The duel with Chris is also really good show of his character at the root, the thing that gets him back to his feet is the moment Chris even considers Haruto as part of his suffering, g o d The moon duel of course. That’s. That one was brutal. Yeah.

3. whether or not i have any merchandise/objects with them uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

There’s a wall scroll behind my work desk that sneaks into my Zoom calls, there’s a canvas print he’s on that sits at my work desk, my ita bag has a handful of charms, pins, and buttons for him(still hunting for artists who draw him with merch wink wink)

I guess my Photon tcg deck counts? The tcg is just one big merch machine if you squint enough-

My Book of Moon themed binder is literally just all of my collector Photon and Galaxy/references to Kaito cards + a small page for Miza since Tachyon is a Galaxy Eyes

Do cosplays count? Because I’ve got all but his space suit basically done + his duel disk

4. what about their personality i like How seriously he takes himself despite literally everything else about his character

He’s often off to the side with his arms crossed, pouting or frowning, having the cool guy edge lord behavior But also he’s screaming in the rain, jumping through a window on a kite glider he made himself that also doubles as his robo-butler, flying to the whole ass moon because a rock told him to, and beefing 14 yr olds, he’s just a legend

I also love that he's like... very clear about himself and on how you should treat him. He straight up says he's going to hell for what he's done and just continues to be there because that's how he'll atone because atonement isn't forgiveness, like he's not ours to forgive. Love him so much.

5. what about their backstory makes me emotional Honestly, most of it

Watching Kaito slowly lose his autonomy (his brother whose been his responsibility for what could be read as since birth, his father just becoming a figure head in his life versus an actual parent, Chris walking out on him with no closure until they duel, being watched by and trained under brutal conditions by the government, failed escape attempts, getting lied to and used, etc) and then knowing one of the people who he attributes half of that loss and suffering to is someone he never gets closure against is very hard to watch

Even in Arc V, he loses his entire family in a way that makes him cut ties with every single person left in a desolate city and hunt his enemies down one by one to pay them back for his suffering, and it happened before we finally actually get to see him or hear of him for the first time so god knows the details

He really just gets put through it time and time again, yugioh be nice to that onion challenge

6. the moment of theirs that made me the saddest there was no duel on the moon in yugioh zexal

But actually, Kaito dying is tragic for a few reasons

THEY JUST LET HIS BROTHER WATCH IT HAPPEN? FAKER??? HELLO?

He was... ok with it happening-

He was killed off before the final duel and before he could reunite with Yuma and Ryouga again, and even though he came back as a spirit, it felt like a such a cop out

7. the moment of theirs that made me the happiest The pure look of joy on his face reuniting with his brother after they defeat Vector the first time, it’s so good The first time Prime Photon is summoned, goated, perfect, all boss monsters should be willed into existence like that But also Arc V, Kaito watching Dennis duel Yuya after everything with Zarc and clapping for him is so sweet omg

8. something about them that made me laugh HIS ONE LINERS, yugioh really gives the rivals the best solo lines I swear to god

Ok listen, dub and sun debate aside, I watched both because I’m a mess and need as much Kaito as I can get, but the dub has some heaters and Kaito’s got a few good ones, ESPECIALLY when he's talking to Mizael

The one to Shark, “You’re quite the romanticist”, who the fuck says that out loud to another person Kaito talking to Dennis is also a fever dream, the dub especially is so jarring, I love them

9. my favorite canon outfit of theirs White coat with the gazer tattoo, you can never go wrong with the Photon coat Numeral Hunter is also based, I know that's not like HIS look in any show, but... I HC that would be his Vrains Avatar, he could go to Vrains very easily, Solflare is an exploitable card in his deck

10. my favorite moment with them in canon UUUUGGHHHH CHOOSING ONE IS HARD

Uhhh, episode wise Shark Hunter is prooobably my favorite(for obvious reason but besides those LOL) because it’s such a tone setter for who Kaito is and also I could listen to these two bicker all day long, we really didn’t get nearly enough of their side rivalry as opposed to like Kaiba and Joey or Takeru and Ryoken

And then the Moon Duel is like my second favorite duel in the whole franchise, only outclassed by Soba and Revo in Vrains, you really get to see just how strong he is because he's half blind, still actively dying by dueling, and gets his helmet cracked in the vacuum of space, and he's still able to win

Character moment, the duel against Chris comes to mind again because it shows a lot of Kaito to his core, but also Kaito hauling ASS to get Yuma to Astral world to reunite with Astral is iconic, Kaito's always ready to take the plunge when everyone else says not to because he just KNOWS he's right

11. my favorite relationship they have with another character sweats profusely, I said it above somewhere I think- removing shipping from the equation entirely, I REALLY like all of the bff / rival dynamics across all of the shows, I love how well done they are and I fully find them more interesting than the standard protag/rival ones, even with KaiRyo having like the least amount of time dedicated to theirs comparatively. Ryouga and Kaito being treated so similarly by the hands dealt to them to where they'd understand the other one like looking in a mirror and yet they cannot stand each other, I eat that shit up. But also knowing the other person so well that they don't even have to talk and also realizing that person is their one of their only option to success? Give me MORE of that I also really love the foil between Mizael and Kaito a lot, I REALLY wish it got the time it was rumored to get, guess I gotta do everything myself In Arc V, Kaito and Shun's dynamic is really good for the little bit we're allowed the time to see it, Shun being one of the only characters who actually goes back for him after leaving so abruptly between Arc V and Zexal... tugs on the heart strings I also love that Kaito took ONE look at Edo in the safe house and decided to speed run the enemies part of the enemies to lovers arc they were going to have, I wish they could have spoken in canon more, hell GX Edo and Zexal Kaito would also be such an interesting dymamic

12. what i like about the way the fandom portrays them Everyone drawing him like >:D all of the time, keep doing that The white lab coat look too? Like not the Photon one, like a standard white lab coat? Perfect, DO NOT change that

nsfw next but also just how everyone knows he's a bottom no matter which ship it is lmao

13. what i dont like about the way the fandom portrays them that no one talks about him except in “WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE RIVAL” polls fndhxjshxbs

I’m going insane in my thoughts alone over here, I need to convert everyone to watch Zexal

14. what i liked about the way canon portrayed them Ok here we can get heated for a bit because I’ve seen an argument somewhere that Kaito didn’t develop at all from season 1 to 2 of Zexal but he 100000% did and I honestly like how it's done

Season 1 Kaito was purposefully talking to the air Astral could be in to avoid even looking at Yuma because he thought so little of him despite how much clawing to get on the same level as him Yuma did

Season 2 Kaito is jumping in to keep Mizael from killing Yuma without a second thought, he's going to the arctic despite ALL of the protests to build the bridge to Astral

His development is subtle, but it's very there, not to mention he can now stomach being in the same room as Faker, gave Chris a second chance, his dying words to Yuma are all the more apparent how important Yuma became to him Like the ONLY person we should have seen an actual conversation touching on Kaito's actions with WAS Ryouga but... be honest, Ryouga's not accepting that from Kaito, they're both very much people of action and they established their bond through the snark and bickering, that's how they communicate Plus Kaito's also outward about not being a good person, telling Yuma he sold his soul to the devil, telling the gang in the first episodes of Zexal II he's already going to hell because that's what his guilty soul deserves Ryoken and Kaito would be SUCH an interesting duo, I'm just saying

15. what i dont like about the way canon portrayed them Oh boy now here we go LOL

The duel against Mr Heartland. - This one's unbelievably bad for so many reasons, mostly because there’s no universe where Kaito struggles against Heartland of all people in a duel, but also this is the person who’s been THE symbol for most of his trauma and trials up until that point. There is no chance in hell he struggles, gets crippled by him, and has to have Yuma take over. That was and always should have been his duel to win, but Yugioh has the unfortunate "this is a story through the protag's eyes" shonen protag bug at its core (Yuma sweetie you’re lovely and wonderful, it’s literally not your fault)

Arc V giving him literally no time for their version of Kaito to have a more satisfactory character arc because of how long and bad the Synchro Dimension/Friendship Cup arc was. Just another victim of the Synchro Arc, sighs. The dub also puts this weird and bad attempted joking line about how Kaito doesn't do family and like have you literally watched any of Zexal, you're the whole ass studio Kaito just doesn't feel very Kaito the same way in Arc V, it's very sad, lots of shit you know og Kaito wouldn't let fly that just goes by in Arc V, but different versions, dimensions, stories, etc etc, it's just such a whiplash coming from Zexal where he's just so much more

OCG Structures was a coward and didn’t want to play with dimensional physics because Kaito 110% could find a way into that timeline I haven't read the Zexal manga in full just yet because I wanna collect them all physically so that'll be later- And a little bit for the games since Konami wanted at least one of those to be canon thanks to Vrains world-

Cross Duel literally had you consider killing kids for him but honestly this one is more funny than infuriating, everyone's a worst version of themselves in Cross Duel agjdaslkgj Duel Links is usually pretty good, but since Kaito’s first launch event where he's hunting you down, he’s been very much more like an NPC for the Zexal world events, just seems weird to me, I'm sure that'll get thrown out once Chris' unlock event actually happens coming up here and when Miza gets added... then that digital world won't know WHAT to do

#THIS WAS FUN THOUGH #kaito really is the character of all time in this house #kaito and takeru fight for favorite spot in my head all the time #asks #answered #kaito #kaito tenjo

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wwwcapricorncom · 3 years

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hii could i request something? i don't mind whether it's a headcannon with some drabble or a longer scenario, do whatever you have time for. make sure you're taking care of yourself 🥰

oki so nsfw haikyuu, im very indecisive so I'll give you a list of some characters - feel free to include multiple alsjdggwgw.

tsukishima, kageyama, miya twins, kuroo, bokuto, yknow throw in hinata for some spice. basically anyone that would rUiN me 😗✌️

okay so for the scenario literally go wild with it, I'd love to have a few kinks involved like dumbification, verbal degrading, use of "puppy", breeding, denial, overstimulation and masochism (or sadism if you look at it from the characters side).

feel free to improv if there's anything specific you've been wanting to write lmao I'm happy with anything.

have fun hehe

Eep! You’re so sweet I could cry T^T. You’re my first ask btw so Thank you thank you! Anyone who enjoys this post, please thank anon! This will also be my first work for haikyuu so I hope it will be good! In addition, i'll write the reader as Fem for now bc it wasn’t specified, so I hope that’s okay<3. I was gonna include all characters, but I felt I kept you waiting long enough.

Okay so im thinking…. How they act when domming WITH BOKUTO, ATSUMU, OSAMU, TSUKI, AND HINATA.

Genre: SMUT/MINORS DNI/ 18+/ Characters aged up

Warnings: dumbification, verbal degrading, use of "puppy", breeding, denial, overstimulation, masochism & sadism, a wee bit of impact play in Osamu’s... it just happened, gagging, nose pinching, praising, oral (fem and male receiving), dom dynamics, use of the word “daddy.

BOKUTO

Bo is a wild card, so anything can activate his dom moods and they can vary from service to hard domming.

You have to watch out for those days when you do something that he finds so cute because that’s when he wants to be a service dom.

And that means fucking you completly dumb.

“C’mere puppy”, just wants to show you how much he appreciates and adores you, so he has to make you feel so good that you turn into mush.

Always fucks you in a position that relies solely on you having to rely on him because it’s such a power trip for him.

Will have you picked up and getting fucked against the wall of your room as he tells you how cute you are.

Seeing you like this triggers something so animalistic in him, he is suddenly so hyper focused as he fucks you like an animal.

LOUDDDD

Just wants to see how wrecked you’ll get for him, but wrecks himself too.

“C’mere puppy, gonna pick you up.” You're a mess already, having been getting fucked into on your back by your boyfriend. Still, you put your hands out so he can pull you into his broad chest and up you two go. He smiles at your compliance and goes in to kiss your cute lips, albeit deeply as he sucks on your tongue and bottom lip which makes saliva string you two together when pulling away.

By the time he is done kissing you, he has your bare back pressed against the cool surface of your room walls and is nudging the head of his big, fat cock back into your needy hole. “Ah! Bo, fuck! like this?”

You can’t help but ask while clinging to him for dear life as he bottoms out in you. All he can do is nod, one hand strongly wrapped around your lower back, close to your ass, and the other flat against the wall above your head. He loves the way you cling to him, much like how your soft walls do at the slightest dragging of his cock. In and out. He begins to buck his hips up into you and you bounce at the sheer force of each of his thrusts, breast bouncing gloriously in front of him too as he eyes them.

You’re open mouthed panting in no time in rhythm with his thrusts as your eyes gloss over while looking into his golden ones. He searches your face before using force from his legs to start ramming into your spongy spot and you gasp, “fuck daddy wait!”

“Just wanna make you feel good pup, just let me…” He groans as he continues to fuck into your gspot, making you clench around him sporadically as you begin to moan, “i-if you keep thrusting there-

“You’ll cum? Good, cum for me and i'm not gonna stop either.” He states seriously as he picks up his pace, moving the hand he had around you to your hip and gripping it tightly as he enclosed you against the wall more. You had no choice but to take the harsh thrusts that he was giving you, each retraction taking the air from your lungs before the thrust to your spot delivered intoxicating pleasure.

Your fucking head was getting cloudy as you succumbed to the pleasure, sweat trickling down the valley of your breasts at the body heat you two were producing, the mere sight of you sruggling to determine what you should do makes him go feral. Gripping both of your hips, with a bruising glasp, he makes sure the top half of your back is still resting on the wall as he begins to bring you down on his dick while thrusting up.

“You look so fucking sexy like this! Shit, I love having you on my cock!” He is growling now as you moan incoherent sentences, clinging to him closely you decided on just nodding your head. Too fucked out for anything else as he dominated your throbbing core.

He moans loudly at this as he balls slap aggressively against your ass, “already fucked dumb, pup? Fuckkkkk just how I wanted you.” He says as you start to go weak from the pleasure of your orgasm staring to consume you, moving to place your head in between the crook of his neck. He doesn’t let you though, grabs you by the chin and forces your unfocused eyes to stay on him as drool trickles down your skin from your lolled out tongue.

How could he not watch you go dumb on his cock as he fucks your through your orgasm and into his. You two are going to be so sloppy when he’s done.

☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆

TSUKIII

This fucking Psychopath mean and hard dom.

The most verbal degrader, but also lovesss to humiliate you too.

Just looks at you condescendingly, but is trying to hide his amusement.

“You look so pathetic right now, sweetheart.” is pushing his glasses up with one hand.

Has the other hand buried two fingers deep in your needy cunt.

All you can do is whine because for fucks sake he won’t give you anything, but shallow thrusts. All because

“If you want more then fucking work for it!”

Has you fucking yourself on his fingers in an instant while he snickers and smirks (still being mean) as if his hard on isn’t threatening to fucking cream his pants.

“TSUKIII!” You whine as you grip his wrist that is connected to the fingers inside your dripping cunt.

“You look so pathetic right now, sweetheart” He states with a smirk as he gives you two sharp aimless thrusts into your cunt, making you whine louder.

“P-please just give me more! Stop being so mean!” You say as you look up at his shirtless frame. You know by the look on his face that he is having fun, that he enjoys seeing you so needy and you hate that you’re feeding into it. But it’s so hard, when he has been fingering you to the edge and stopping every time right before you could even release.

“You want more? Then fucking work for it, whore!” He says almost sadistically and you nod as you lift your hips up to meet his fingers. You begin to thrust up into his two nimble, long fingers as you clench around him. Your walls are thankful for the aggressive friction that you are finally getting after 3 near orgasms.

One particular rough thrust hits your g spot and you moan lewdly, tongue almost hanging completely out as you feel the familiar tingles of a strong orgasm. Just as you go to lift your hips up to ram into his fingers in the exact same way, his other hand is pressing you firmly down onto the mattress, halting your attempts.

You fucking choke on a sob as tears obscure your vision and he snickers, “Aw you’re such a crybaby!”

But seeing your flushed face and rising chest as your lip quivers, does it for him. And he’s a little mad at himself because you won and don’t even know it. I mean now he just has to fuck you- you just look so pretty, begging for him after he’s been so fucking mean to you. Crying. Gosh, it makes his dick twitch as precum trickles down to his balls.

Yep, now he’s gonna fuck that needy cunny and give you all that you wanted and then some.

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

ATSUMU

Much like Tsuki, he is also a mean and hard dom, but actually has the ability to turn into a soft one.

Loves to degrade too but because he loves feeling superior.

Will be at his meanest when he just lost a match and Def takes it out on that cunt.

Right after like right after the game, he has you riding him in the fucking car.

Is being so mean too, “don’t tell me that’s all ya got, ya little slut?”

“Ride my fucking dick then!”

Once you amp it up though, fuck his tune switches so fast. “God yer so fuckin’ wet, gonna breed ya just right bc ya think ya can fuck me like this and get away with it?”

Like sir you were just… anyways he will hug you into his chest and mark your flesh up.

Fills you to the brim while praising and then makes you sit with it leaking into your underwear all the way home

“Come on slut, fully sit on it. I don’t care if it hurts!” Atsumu grumbles as he smacks your ass, making your legs quiver and a few more inches to slip further into your stretching sex.

He’s so big and that asshole barely prepared you before telling you to basically spear yourself on his erect cock. He’s only this mean when he loses and as much as you wish you could say you hate it, you don’t at all.

You love proving him wrong and he always tries to be right, the only difference is he is being meaner right now. That’s why he slams you the rest of the way down on his cock and has your eyes springing open as you arch and shake with a loud cry.

You can’t even express how full you feel or how it feels like he could’ve just broken you, but your pussy can. It’s gushing around him as if you just came, making a mess at his base and his neatly trimmed pubes.

“Don’t ya fuckin’ dare cum yet, don’t tell me that’s all ya got, ya little slut!” He growls taking ahold of your neck with his large hand. You whine at this putting your two smaller hands around his forearm and shaking your head ‘no’, mind getting cloudy.

He sits up a bit, sweaty back unsticking from his leather seats as he gets inches from your face, still clenching your neck, grasping tighter even.

“Then. Ride. My. Fucking dick!” He snaps, eyes dark as he swipes his tongue over his bottom lip. You feel so aroused at this point, grinding your hips into his as your walls scream from the weak prep.

He continues to spew mean shit at you, further stimulating you as you begin to ride him faster. He is slipping soon after, groans tumbling out of his mouth as you bounce on his cock like a rabbit.

Whines sharply when you start to clap your ass down on the dick before hugging you to his sweaty chest. Your hard nipples will drag against his skin as he keeps you embraced, strong arms around your back as he sucks purple marks into your skin. Will begin to fuck up into you as he moans, “ya can’t ride me like that and not expect me t-to fill ya up, pretty!”

Doesn’t care for your response, too lost in his own delirium, as he concentrated on ramming all that fat cock into your hole in attempts to get deeper and deeper. And when he hears you finally cry out about how, “ ‘TSUMU! YOU'RE TOO DEEP!”

He is emptying his balls into you, with an iron grip on your hips to keep you firmly planted on him as he repeats, “gonna fuckin’ bread ya! Bread ya so good… look at that cunt drinking it all up ah!…such a good girl.”

☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆

OSAMU

Is the reverse of his brother- Is primarily a soft dom, but knows when to be a hard/ mean one.

Loves caressing you and giving you touches everywhere.

But is really good at commanding, does it calmly with hot lazy eyes.

“Go a little faster… yea there ya go. Good.”

“Don’t do that baby, ya wouldn’t want me mad right?”

Sometimes that is what you want thoe and you’re being such a brat that he understands too.

That’s when he goes Dom, probably having enough of your bullshit.

Like if you’re teasing and disobeying him, per example, when you’re giving him head.

Without warning will put a firm hand on the back of your head and push you forward roughly.

Will fuck your face so meanly, scolding you about how, “this is what ya wanted.”

“Come on, go a little faster baby.” Osamu commands and his matter of fact tone, the one he uses when he wants you to do something without protest, sends tingles to your cunt as you flutter your eyes up at him.

Deciding to obey this time, even though you know you want something a little more tonight, you begin sucking on his tip a little faster. He nods his head slowly, relishing the scene before him as he tilts his head back.

He’s really getting into it, baby loves when you suck him off on your knees. It always feels so good and he finds himself in this exact position. Head thrown back, eyes shut, one hand holding your makeshift ponytail, and the other on your cheek.

You love the look in his eyes, lustful and lazily hanging open as his pupils flicked down occasionally to drink in your movements. You were growing needy though, panties getting soaked as you rub your thighs together, sucking faster. His hums of approval indicated that he enjoyed this action as he wets his lips and rakes his fingers further through your hair.

Deviously you decided to take him in further and graze your teeth along his skin, something he loved but did not take kindly. It always made him feel way too good like he would cum way sooner than he would want to, so it pissed him off every time you did it. And you knew that it had worked now too when he let out a surprised hiss as you continued to lightly graze your teeth on his member. His breath is shaky as he lets go of the ponytail that he had formed to keep your hair out of your face.

“Fuckin’ mistake” he states seriosuly as his strong hand pushes on the back of your head, lunching you forward and making his cock fully slot itself in your throat. It hurt, it burned, and you were soaking yourself because of the pain. You loved when your daddy turned into such a meanie.

“Can never use yer fuckin’ words huh? Had to be a damn brat.” He grumbles as he starts to slam into your mouth, making tears trickle down the corners of your eyes as you try to keep up with the brutal pace.

He is groaning by now, the force of his thrusts making the veins pop from his arms and legs as your thighs get wet with arousal, “ya like it that much, nasty girl, huh!” You try to tell him yes, but a quick slap to your cheek makes you moan like an absolute slut. It was not enough to hurt, just sting and utterly surprise you, but it was more than enough for you, “don’t fuckin talk when I'm blessing ya with a full mouth.”

His tone is still as calm as ever which makes your pussy throb even more as you nod rapidly, desperately, doe eyes looking up at him as he smirks slightly before continuing to stretch your throat with brutal snaps of his hips. When he begins to cum, he makes sure to thrust fully into you, on his tippy toes, as he firmly plants one hand on the back of your head while using the other to pinch your nose closed.

You cum untouched, choking on his seed and gasping for air as tears stream down your face. But all he says is “ya wanted this and ya liked it, my little masochist.” Osamu has no problem being a sadist for you.

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

HINATA

SERVICE DOM !!!

Such a precious baby (reminds me of Izuku) loves to eat you out, but because he really wants you to feel immense pleasure.

Is so attentive, sucks on your breasts, licks your inner thighs, places kisses on your ankles and legs before diving in.

Holds your hand while using the other to spread you apart.

“You taste so good baby.”

Is the type to shake his head from side to side while eating that pussy.

Will overstim you on accident at first, but realizes he loves how easy it is to reel orgasms out of you when you’re sensitive.

“Cum again for me please?”

Oral with him almost always leads to over stimming… both ways.

“Another kiss here… and here….here.” Hinata mumbles against your skin as you arch into the touch of his soft, wet lips. He started at your own lips, made his way down to sucking your neck and breasts, paying special care to your nipples. Sucks and nibbles on them for so long that you're wet and the buds are throbbing and sore.

He will then move down, dragging his tongue down your stomach, kissing your belly button, licking at your thighs before grabbing them. He spreads you open, groaning at how your cunt is seeping with arousal as he stands up, your legs on his shoulders while he admires you.

Will kiss your ankles as he rubs his underwear covered cock along your slit, collecting your slick and dampening the fabric. When he can no longer kiss your flesh or produce light touches here and there, too needy, he dives in and kisses your pussy.

“Sho!” You gasp as your hands fly to his hair, weaving into the orange tuffs as he licks a long flat tongue up your entire cunt. He’ll sigh against your puffy clit after this, amazed that he gets to taste you whenever he wants, and this starts the feast.

He starts to suck and nip at your folds, cute nose bumping against your clit which makes you squeal each time, “you taste so good baby.” He groans again as he reaches to hold your hand that abandoned his hair in favor of gripping the sheets. Your heart swells at the cute action as you grasp his warm hand back and he reallys starts to get lost in your soaking cunt.

So engrossed in tongue fuckng you while rubbing your clit with his thumb, he doesn’t register your slight warnings of, “S-sho you’re going too f-fast!” Because you weren't used to being touched and cared for so attentively, him being the first to do you like this, and your orgasm was approaching so fast it was shocking you.

Precum is rushing out of his cock when you start cumming on his tongue, but he doesn’t stop there. He starts to shake his head between your legs from side to side, further stimulating you and getting sloppier, as he gulps and slurps and continues to eat you out.

“TOO SENSITIVE!” You yell as you start squirming away, but his hold on your hand just gets tighter as he flicks his eyes up to you, “cum again for me please? I know my beautiful girl can…” He says, hot breath fanning your quivering cunt as his dark eyes look up at you. You whine at his words, but accept and he's back to over-stimulating you, using his tongue to weave through your folds and into your hole, rubbing your clit harder.

You gush so much for him by the end of the night. And he hasn’t even fucked you with that monster stamina yet.

#haikyuu smut #haikyuu x reader #bokuto smut #tsukishima smut #atsumu smut #osamu smut #hinata smut #haikyuu headcanons #reader insert #haikyuu x f!reader #haikyuu asks #haikyuu drabbles #www.capricorn.com

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heejojo · 3 years

Text

Love Isn't Beautiful But With You It Was

✰ summary: y/n and niki's journey from being enemies to friends to much more than that.

✰ pairing: Niki x fem!reader (and a Jay apperance)

✰ genre: fluff, angst, enemies to childhood friends to lovers

✰ warning: a few sad scenes but I'm not sure they'll be too bad! death

✰ word count: 1.8k (the most so far tbh)

a/n: this is my first fanfic so please leave comments about what should be improved. if you have any requests feel free to leave them! it's past 12am now and I need to sleep but I hope you have a nice day!

prompt gotten from @moonlight-chi77 thank you!

“Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was”

Life disappears in the blink of an eye, but the memories created and the human connection formed does not. The memories created are embedded in our hearts and follow us through different paths of life. Whether those memories are good or bad, they become something we reflect on in later moments.

Nishimura Riki couldn’t exactly remember the first time he met you but all he knew was that he had never hit off with someone the way he did with you.

September 2012

Although Niki couldn't pinpoint the exact date you guys started talking, he knew it was in September of 2012. He knew at first he disliked you and wanted nothing to do with you because you had stolen his spot on the swings.

“That's my spot, I told Jay I was going to stay here forever,” he said while his friend who was behind him nodded enthusiastically, backing him up.

“Your name is not on it and you didn’t buy it so why should I leave?” you asked him without coming down because you got there fair and square.

“I called dibs on it,” he said while puffing out his chest.

“Dibs are for babies,” you say while continuing to swing. “I’m not a baby,” he retorts.

“If you say so, then why are you wearing a Talking Tom T-Shirt?” you ask and his face begins to turn red. “It's cool, isn't it Jay?” he nudges his friend asking him for support. “Cool man, girls just suck” Jay responds and they both leave. “At least I dress myself!” you yell at their retreating figures

After that day, Niki made it his mission to disturb you every day and never wore his Talking Tom shirt again after that day.

August 2016

“Niki!!” you screamed as you felt another water balloon hit your leg. At this point, your entire body was soaked. The young boy continued to laugh and run as you chased him. You were beginning to regret spending your summer break with him when you could be watching TV instead. Eventually, you give up chasing the blond-haired boy and go into the house to dry off. Thirty minutes later, Niki comes in with a bottle of orange juice as a form of apology. You snatch it without further thought and drink it. Looking up at him after you finish drinking it, you both burst into a fit of laughter. “You’re lucky I love food,” you say. Maybe spending the summer with him wouldn't be so bad.

December 2018

Your crush on Niki was painfully obvious to everyone but him. Your friends teased you, his friends teased you yet when you were together you denied it with so much vigour. Niki had liked you for a few months now. Everyone was enjoying the slow burn that was going on between the two of you; the soft glances across the room, the way you always looked for each other among crowds, the way he knew where your secret birthmark was even though your close friends didn’t.

It was the way you complimented each other that made everyone cringe and aw at the same time. The jacket you got him for his birthday was his most prized piece of clothing and the only person he let touch it was his mum. This year though, you gathered enough courage and told him how he meant to you and how you were content with being just friends even if it hurt a little. But you weren’t expecting Niki to say he felt the same way, even more so. Your friends heaved a sigh of relief and choruses of ‘Finally’ were echoed.

It felt good being with someone.

January 2019

Everyone argued with people they loved right? Your parents did, the old lady that sells fruit and her boyfriend did so you and Niki weren’t an exception. After being childhood friends for so long you’d think you could trust each other enough to talk about the things that bothered you but he refused to, claiming that he didn’t want you to see him in a different light and how it would hurt his pride. You would tell him that no one knew him more and cared about him the way you did. At times, you’d let it go not wanting to push him but that day you couldn’t take it.

“We need to talk. Why have you been avoiding me these past few days?” you asked him.

“I’ve just been busy” he replied.

“No, you’ve been avoiding me. I know you well enough to know when you're hiding something” you said.

He wouldn't budge, he never did especially when you cornered him like this. He started to get irritated and said, “I said I’ve been busy so forgive me if I can’t give you attention all the time. Not all of us are as clingy as you” You winced; it was your fault for pushing him to the edge like that. Nevertheless, you wouldn't give up. “ I just want you to say how you feel and what bothers you. I’d never look at you in a different light and you know that. You might want to be strong but it’s okay to show some sort of emotion, it doesn’t make you weak rather it makes you look like someone that acknowledges what is wrong and doesn’t try to ignore the problem or solve it on their own” you comforted him. As the words entered his ears, you could see the walls surrounding his heart crumbling. “It’s okay to ask for help or just to rant to someone. Even if we won’t be able to provide an immediate solution, it should help” you added taking a few steps forward and grabbing a hold of his hands. You squeezed them tightly.

“I...I’m just scared you’ll leave once you see the not so perfect side of me” he managed to say. “I will stay with you, why don’t we make the best of everything without worrying about the future?” you asked while smiling. He returned it and pulled you in for a hug. “Thank you, truly,” he said and you smiled under his embrace.

After a few minutes you spoke up, “Oh yeah, Niki?” you called his attention and he hummed in response. “Don’t ever shout at me like that again, I can deck you and you know it” you said.

“Got it, boss. Sorry for being a jerk”

June 2020

You usually went on diets and exercised a lot but you were losing weight at an extreme rate and you weren’t even on a diet. Niki was worried but you brushed it off telling him it was stress from school but it got worse. You found it difficult for you to balance yourself, you felt nauseated, getting even more frequent headaches and being tired all the time so Niki decided that enough was enough and took you to the hospital. Neither of you had expected the result of the scans that were run.

“I’m sorry but there is a tumour in your brain,” the doctor said. The air left your lungs. “You can choose to get the surgery and live in the hospital for 8 months or live with the tumour for 3 months” he continued. You thanked him and left the hospital. The elephant in the room was very much alive and neither one of you wanted to address it. Did you want to stay in the hospital for the rest of your life or did you want to say with your loved ones? You thought that they would go through and that won’t be worth it.

“Niki” you called out.

He looked at you with a sad smile and just pulled you in for a hug, careful not to hurt you. “Do you want to tell your parents?” You nodded. You couldn’t just leave without saying anything. Picking your jacket, Niki drove you to your parents house.

“I just wanted you guys to know, I couldn’t just leave without saying anything,” you said with your eyes cast downwards. You couldn’t bear to look at your mom who was already crying or your dad who was blaming himself even when it wasn’t his fault or your sister who was basically your best friend. Niki had given you guys privacy but you knew it was just an excuse for him to be with his own feelings.

“I’m going to stay close to home in the meantime so I can be closer to you guys,” you said. Your eyes were already becoming glossy with tears. You inched towards your mom, taking her hand in yours and said, “You did an amazing job of being my mom and I love you so much”. Moving to your dad, you said “You did a good job of protecting me so don’t think otherwise. Let’s make all the memories we want to now without any regrets”. At that, your sister burst into tears “I… I can’t bear to lose you” Your heart clenched. “I can’t bear to lose you too” She continued crying. Your mom wiped her eyes and said, “From today, live the way you want to. Eat what you want and do what you want.” From the corner of my eye, I saw Niki staring watching the whole scene. After an hour, I stood up and went home with Niki. The car ride was a long and awkward one. When we got home, we just slept hugging each other.

Starting tomorrow I was going to live.

July 2020

The pain is getting worse but the smiles on my family and friends faces are enough to keep me going. I wrote letters and got gifts for them. Niki looks at the calendar every day, I can’t tell him to stop because I can tell he’s hurting so much. Why can’t I just be okay for everyone?

August 2020

The time comes faster, Niki and I went on a getaway for a few days. He deserved a break from everything that has been going on.

September 2020

I never thought I'd die as silly as that sounds. I asked my parents and sister to leave when I got to the hospital. Niki refused to leave and stayed there till I took in my last breath. He kept crying begging me not to go and how he’d do anything.

“Does it hurt a lot?” he asked between sniffles

“No it doesn’t, it just feels like a needle” it hurt like a truck.

“Liar”

I chuckled and held his hand till I couldn’t anymore. “I love you’’ I say as the lights fade.

╔═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╗

Dear Nishimura Riki,

When you see this, it means I’m already gone. First of all, don’t beat yourself up too much. I could write for ages about how much I love you but now that I need to, my mind goes blank. You’ve done so well for putting up with me, hats off to you. You might not want to but move on, even though id like you to remember me; let your heart heal and be happy.

Take care of yourself and don’t skip any meals. Eat well and be happy, make sure you visit the places we never got to visit and enjoy yourself. Live life the way you want it every day. Be nice to people and smile more.

Thank you for all the happy memories, my love, I’ll be forever grateful for you. You made my life colourful and worth living.

Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was.

Yours truly,

Y/N.

#enhypen #enhypen angst #enhypen x reader #enhypen scenarios #enhypen imagines #character death #enhypen fluff

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straydawg-writing · 3 years

Text

𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞'𝐬 𝐚 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐦.

- 𝓚. 𝙯𝙤𝙡𝙙𝙮𝙘𝙠

• hunter x hunter series

⋯✰⋯

Chapter 2–

You knew that if anyone outside of this car saw you right now, you might just pass away. To put it simply: You were sitting on Killua's lap.

All because Kite's truck only fit seven people.

The way this predicament came about would have been comical if it weren't for your burning embarrassment. Unfortunately, you could remember very clearly how it all unfolded:

"Hmm, it seems that there aren't enough seats for all eight of us, so one person will have to squish in," Kite said, opening the car door to check the seats.

"Who's the smallest one here?" Gon asked. All seven pairs of eyes turned to look at you.

Great. The benefits of never having had your growth spurt.

Killua was the one to open his mouth, snickering, "Obviously it's Y/N. She's like a midget!"

"Killua, you are literally an entire 2 ½ feet shorter than Kite over there," you defended yourself.

From a distance, you had guessed Kite was around 6'3. Once you got a closer look at him, you discovered that he towered over you like a skyscraper. Your curiosity got the best of you and naturally, you had asked him what his height was. The man was a whopping 7 foot 10.

"It's okay Y/N, you can squish with me," Gon offered.

Killua shook his head. "No way. Squishing will just make everyone uncomfortable. It's better if only one person suffers. Y/N, you can sit on my lap."

He had left no room for argument. Sighing, you knew that even if you tried, you had no say in this anymore. You would just have to suck it up for the next 4 hours.

Now you were here, sitting on him, worrying about whether you were cutting the circulation off to his legs or not. Or perhaps you were too bony and it was hurting him.

You could feel his warm breath on your neck, and it sent goosebumps across your entire body. This was beyond awkward.

"Stop it," Killua muttered, right in your ear.

Oh, you'd done it now, hadn't you? Killua was gonna push you off onto Gon instead.

"Stop what?"

"You're so stiff, just...relax," he paused, "I don't mind sitting this way."

Hearing his voice so close to you sent butterflies fluttering in your stomach.

Maybe this was okay.

You untensed, trying to adjust yourself to a more comfortable position, but the bumpy car ride wasn't making it very easy. Kite ran over a rock, and without a seatbelt it sent you jerking upwards. Thanks to his fast reflexes, Killua gripped your waist, holding you tightly to his body.

"The seatbelt won't reach over the both of us, but this'll keep you from flying."

"Heh, thanks Killua. I think we should reach the beach in a bit..." you said, hoping that the thought of it being over soon might offer him some relief.

It doesn't matter who it is, being this close to someone could send anyone into a frenzy. You were hyper-aware of every one of his fingers grasping onto your waist. He wasn't lying. He was keeping you right there.

You'd just have to stop thinking about it, you told yourself. Or else you'd go crazy.

Trying to relax back into Killua like he had asked, you let your mind wander to the reason you were driving in the first place. The day before, the three of you had decided to stick with Kite and help him investigate the Chimera ants. The beach you were headed to now is supposed to have a clue about where the ant queen is located, so you could bring an end to the destruction before it starts. During the car ride, you had learned they were a truly deadly species. One bite of an innocent passerby, and they had the means to bring the entire human race to extinction.

You felt like something was starting. And your intuition was rarely wrong.

Gazing at Gon who had been talking with Kite for a while now, you noticed how his eyes crinkle into little smiles whenever he talks. You knew that having Kite around, his father's best friend, surely excited him to the bone. Gon was just oozing with optimism, without even trying. You could tell that just by being himself, he was keeping the spirits up of all eight in the group, not allowing any room for doubt or fear to creep into anyone's minds.

At that moment, you swore that whatever happened, you would be there to protect Gon and Killua. Even if it costs you everything.

Hopefully, this wasn't one of your friends' last few moments of tranquility. But if it was, you were determined to spend it well.

Resting your head against Killua, you hoped that he wouldn't mind if you indulged in this for just a moment. You were tired, having not gotten much rest since completing Greed Island and meeting Kite.

It didn't take much time for you to fall asleep to the rise and fall of Killua's steady breathing and his sweet vanilla scent. If you'd been awake, you might have even heard his heartbeat racing beneath you.

⋯✰⋯

You had finally reached the beach.

Killua had nudged you awake once you'd gotten there. You remembered how his blue eyes stared back at you as he poked your face, calling you an idiot for falling asleep, and you chuckled.

There was one thing you were clueless about; Killua had made sure not to move even once the whole rest of the car ride. He was nervous that he might disturb your peacefully sleeping form.

You were still pretty groggy as you looked out at the sea, the bright sun reflecting on the ocean's surface. You wanted to wiggle your toes in the sand, but you were there for a reason. To find anything that might lead to the Queen.

You searched in bushes, behind rocks, under seashells, and even used your nen to sift through as much sand as you could. So far, the group had ruled out the forest and deemed it difficult to know if the ant even ended up on the same island. That's when they decided to release the hellhound. Well- it wasn't a hellhound. It was the little dog you played with yesterday. Along with Gon.

Gon was following behind the dog on all floors, sniffing the ground as he went.

"He can do that?" You asked no one in particular.

"His nose is as sharp as a dog's," Killua responded, watching Gon with an amused look in his eye.

A couple minutes went by with no luck. The only thing the dog had found was a tree to pee on. It looked like the ant wasn't going to be on this island, though Kite had an idea.

"It may have washed ashore somewhere else. Which direction do the currents flow here?" Kite asked the two that had brought us down to the beach. One was short with brown skin and grey hair that sprouted up like hay, while the other had large glasses and two front teeth poking out from his mouth.

"The direction is reversed between day and night. And it also changes with the seasons. I've even heard it's different on certain days. So it'll be tough to pinpoint a location..." said Chipmunk Teeth. That's what you'd call him, since you hadn't gotten his name.

So basically, no one had any idea on how to find the Chimera Ant Queen.

"Continuing to search blindly is pointless. We should return to YorkNew and see if we can find any new leads there."

You heard the group around you agreeing with Kite. He and his friends began walking back to the truck already, but you stayed put. You would catch up to them later.

The ocean reminded you of your home. You thought you should say goodbye to it first.

Ripples of water lapped gently at your feet. You always had a connection with nature. Having lived in a small village located in the middle of a jungle most of your life, the earth had become your dearest friend. One of your earliest memories was from exploring the coves back at home. You stretched out your arm across the water, and watched the liquid softly rise to your hand as you called it.

That's why you chose this nen ability. It tied you to the elements. When you fought with it, together you were one body.

"Y/N, come on! Kite's threatening to leave without you," Gon waved you over. Taking one last look at the sea, you turned away.

The sun was already setting by the time you left for the city.

⋯✰⋯

Going back to YorkNew was the right decision. Now you all knew where to look.

Kite had discovered that the possibilities of the Chimera Ant landing in NGL were the highest. Apparently, NGL was a country populated with people who wanted to get away from machine civilization and live in nature.

You loved nature too, but you thought that was a little extreme. There was a reason you had to leave your beloved jungle behind.

"There may very well be a giant swarm of Chimera Ants already hunting humans down. If that's the case, my top priority will be saving them. You must be able to protect yourselves," Kite warned us.

"And if I am the one in trouble, you should escape without me."

At that, Gon and Killua looked unsettled. But backing down now was not an option.

"Got it," you said, breaking the silence and offering a kind nod to Kite, "and until the very last moment, the three of us will have your back."

"Yeah!" The other two boys concurred.

Now, you sat with Gon and Killua on an airship to NGL. The three of you were sitting on a bench, looking out of a window that framed velvet-peach clouds displaying brilliant silver linings.

Gon was reflecting on their last conversation with Kite.

"You said that Ging had a reason for bringing me and Kite together," he rested his arms and head on the window-frame.

Killua broke his sight from the clouds and looked at Gon.

"Yeah, I did."

"You're probably right. I don't know the reason, but I can't give up halfway, no matter what's going on. Otherwise, I'll disappoint Ging... And I'd never be able to forgive myself either. So I won't run away," Gon continued, resolved with his decision.

There was a moment of silence as the three of you let his words sink in.

You admired Gon's determination, but you hated that Ging had a son risking his life just to avoid disappointing a dad he's never met.

"Man, you had this totally serious expression, so I was expecting something big. But it's just business as usual," Killua smiled.

"Huh?" Gon's mouth hung open. "I thought about this a lot, I even ran a bunch of mental simulations! And I liked what Y/N said earlier, about having Kite's back until the very end."

"Think all you want, but you'll still be Gon. If someone said to abandon them, you'd never do it," You lightly punched his shoulder.

He pouted, cradling where you hit him, and you rolled your eyes.

"Drama queen."

Gon chose to ignore that and turned back to Killua. "Then what would you do?'"

"I'm a spontaneous guy, so I'd think about it once the time comes."

"So, you'd run away?" Gon questioned.

"Depends. I can't say until it actually happens."

"Say for instance..."

Killua threw his hands up, beat, "I can't tell you what I'd do in a hypothetical situation!"

"Then, what about you Y/N?"

"Gon!" You whined.

Truth be told, you hadn't thought about what you would do. It depended like Killua said. But you did know one thing...

"I would never leave you two behind. Even if that meant I'd have to die."

⋯✰⋯

#hunter x hunter #killua x reader #killua zoldyck x reader #hunterxhunter fanfiction #hxh #self insert #y/n #hxh fanfic #chimera ant arc #kite #angst #fluff

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friendlyneighborhoodcapricorn · 2 years

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hello and hi and greetings and dear,

I just wanted to drop by very quickly and leave a little note in your inbox as well. I'm going round and round and sending some long due asks which I feel like today is the perfect day to send. it's a special day after all, you know, with not happening again for a looooong while.

Basically, I want to say thank you. Thank you for sending me that one message on wattpad and starting our conversation, thank you for sending all those paragraphs, thank you for your wonderful texts and analyses, and thank you for liking all my posts and responding to all my comments and just dropping by once in a while to say hi. At this point I don't know what I'd do without our chats, regardless of how little the time is that we've actually known each other. I want to tell you that no matter how long I need to respond sometimes, I'm always looking forward to your answers, and I'm always, always happy to see your username pop up in my notifications. We have yet to run out of topics for our conversation, which is admirable in my humble opinion, and I'm so grateful for that.

I'm happy that we can share our opinions like that, and that even if we disagree - though we do very rarely - the discussions about why and how are still so interesting and sweet. Whatever we're doing a deep-dive into, I'm always so excited to pick up, to speak about my thoughts and to hear yours. I value your opinion more than I probably should, and I feel like you're a ton wiser than me, which is good, really! I love to learn from you, and I love to take your recs because literally, you have yet to recommend me anything I don't like.

And of course, in the end I'm still more than amazed by the fact that you've agreed to beta-read my wip, whenever it will be finished and over and my editing as well. Though that's well in the future if I don't crack on, I'm glad that it's no one else who'll be doing it, and I'm so looking forward to your reaction, to your criticism and your help!

This may not sound much, but it is: If we lived closer, I'd absolutely be baking you alllllll the cookies!!

I’ve been reading this again and again, trying to think of something to say, but the truth is that I suck with words. Regardless, I’m going to try.

I’m so happy I decided to send that message. When I did, I had no idea that this was what would follow. But I am so, so happy that we met!

I love our conversations, and getting to know your opinions on writing, soundtracks, and everything else we discuss.

And I also want to thank you, because if we hadn’t met, I doubt I would’ve made a tumblr. But knowing someone on here already gave me that little push I needed to make an account. And thank you, of course, for all the support you’ve shown me -both on Wattpad and here.

I’m so happy you value my opinion enough to ask me as your beta-reader, which is such an honour! Regardless of when your work is finished, whether it takes months or years, I will keep looking forward to reading it.

And omg, I love cookies, so that absolutely does mean a lot! Thank you for this sweet, lovely message. This was such a lovely surprise to find in my inbox <3

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itsclydebitches · 3 years

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ngl voyager gets a whole lot of very disproportional hate from the fandom and i'd hazard a guess that a lot of that is just garden-variety misogyny (and probably racism mixed in, considering how many of the most prominent characters are women, poc, or both). like, is voyager perfect? absolutely not. and no spoilers but there was a lot of executive meddling that wound up leading to the finale/conclusion being lacking and there's a lot of reasonable dissatisfaction with that--but again that was largely thanks to the execs fucking the show over and i recommend looking into that if you can once you've finished the show. but overall? voyager is trek right to its very core--it has heart, it's about family, and it never loses sight of that imo, even if some episodes are weaker or just duds (but, like, would it be a trek series without some episodes that just kinda suck but are still fun to watch???)

anyway, i absolutely love that you're getting into voyager, it is my all-time favorite trek series to this day for a lot of reasons, and i hope that ppl like that anon dont put you off bc i'd love to continue to see your thoughts as you watch the series!

Oh, it would take a whole lot more than some anons being salty that others enjoy things to turn me off :D

Thus far (I lost internet last night so I’m still only on Episode 7 of Season 2), Voyager is the Trekiest Trek I’ve watched. Which is a weird sentence, but I mean it in the way you said it’s “trek right to its very core.” What is Star Trek, if we strip the intent of the story down to its basics? It’s about exploration, discovery, that “wagon train to the stars,” wrapped up in the argument that life is fundamentally good. We have problems, but we can work past them. We have differences, but they strengthen us. Diversity is the lifeblood of the universe and the future will continue to improve so long as we embrace that.

Voyager is (again, from what I’ve seen so far!) basically a love song to that premise. I didn’t do too deep a dive because I’m trying to avoid spoilers, but I did look at a couple threads discussing why Voyager is so hated. Again and again I saw the same reason pop up: wasted potential. Now, a lot of fans left it at that (as if the answer to what potential Voyager apparently missed out on is self-evident. It’s not), but those who did expand on the idea consistently claimed that the show needed to be darker than it was, even if they rarely said it like that. Why aren’t the Federation and the Marquis at each other’s throats? Why isn’t the crew going crazy under these circumstances? Why aren’t characters getting killed off left and right in hostile space? “Anything could have happened out there and they played it safe!” but the “anything” here is always... awful. There’s this very pervasive idea that the world is inherently cruel, people are inherently divisive, that when pushed to the brink everything will fall apart... and that (while making for one kind of great story) is very much not Star Trek.

See, Voyager created an unimaginable scenario--lost in space, 75 years from home, forced to live indefinitely with strangers--and their answer to the question of “What happens?” is “People make it work.” They learn to respect one another, they uphold their ideals, they maintain a love of life and discovery, and they create a family. And that’s fucking fantastic. That’s Star Trek! I’m not going to pretend there aren’t problems with the show, with plenty more to come, I’m sure, but I don’t think this is one of them. Why do so many viewers think that hatred, horror, death, and growing jaded is the only potential here? Why would they expect that in a Star Trek show whose premise is the very antithesis of those things?

“But they don’t do enough with those things, even if they have happy outcomes.” They do plenty, they just do it in an episodic rather than serialized nature. I can point to multiple episodes where the replicator rations or Maquis differences are driving the characters’ actions. “But without that horror there’s no conflict.” There’s plenty of conflict. Hostile aliens aside, I just watched an episode where Tuvok and Chakotay are pissed as hell at one another because they fundamentally disagree over how to handle problems, but--because they’re adults with a well-tested respect for one another--they apologize and work through it. “But the characters don’t develop at all.” You mean they don’t grow harder. That’s not the same thing as no development. Tuvok is figuring out how to be more flexible, Chakotay is becoming more willing to accept cultures he doesn’t agree with, Harry is growing more confident now that he’s far from home, the Doctor is learning to see himself as a person, Paris is grabbing his second chance with both hands by making strong ties, and Janeway is learning to command and care for her crew simultaneously. I honestly believe that a lot of people think of “character development” as the character becoming a fundamentally different person, unrecognizable from where they started out. But characters can also grow into the people they wanted to be in the first place. “We’re far from home, in hostile territory, tempted to do horrific things to survive... but no. Right now at least, we’re holding onto who we are. We’re scientists, so we’re going to explore and learn. We’re peaceful, so we’re going to make friends with as many species as we can. We’re members of a society that teaches acceptance, so we’re going to form a family on this spaceship.” That’s incredible!! Did fans miss why Seska was an antagonist in the episode she was unmasked? Because she was trying to convince them to give up everything they believe in in the name of survival, an ends justify the means argument. And the crew said no, we will not give up what we believe in just to make it through. I legit saw a ton of fans saying some version of, “I can’t believe they were that far from home and actually followed Starfleet’s rulebook.” It’s because those rules don’t exist for the hell of it. Overlooking their practical function, they’re a philosophy that the characters believe in, and they’re figuring out how important that part of their identity is to them under these circumstances. Am I willing to steal a specie’s technology if it gets us home? Am I willing to die to help another uphold their own philosophy? (Chakotay in “Imitations”). What regulations should we bend or change to accommodate our new situation? The first two things Janeway does are a) giving the guy who just came out of a penal colony a rank and b) deciding that she needs to be more familiar with her crew than is normally encouraged for a captain because she’s essentially their mom now. Developing doesn’t have to mean characters do a 180 on their initial personality, or characters getting killed off when stuff gets “boring” so that others can do edgy things in response.

Voyager upholds Trek’s premise and runs it to its logical conclusion:

Voyager has the most literal trek--a trek back home.

Voyager has the most diverse crew--a woman Captain, Native American First officer, black Vulcan, Asian-American communications officer, and a White Dude pilot that realizes he wants to be soft and kind towards those who took a chance on him because Toxic Masculinity who?

Voyager has the most literal family--not just a 5+ year mission, but a crew who expects to raise the next generation. They have no choice but to work together, so they indeed come together rather than pulling apart

Except they do, of course, have a choice. In “The 37′s” the crew is allowed to stay on the Earth-like planet with a city of other humans and Janeway is convinced that a sizable number will choose that. After all, they may never get home and this is a safer, kinder future for them. In fact, the real question is whether so many will stay that they can no longer run the ship... but Janeway would never dictate her crew’s choices in that manner. So she swallows her worry down, opens the door...

... and finds that not a single person decided to stay behind. And the show has ensured we understand that this is not just because they all have some unshakable belief that they’ll get home (many don’t), but because this is their family now. This is home.

And fans want to toss that out for a generic, gritty, sci-fi adventure where hope is scarce, the universe is cruel, and people need to be pushed to the limit just to admit that they maybe, sort of, like each other?? Obviously like what you like, but that’s a hard pass for me. I’ll take the bridge crew comforting each other in “Twisted,” thanks. Besides, we already have shows like that. And we already have DS9 which grapples with many of those dark, pessimistic themes. Voyager feels like a breath of fresh air, even within the breath of fresh air that is Star Trek as a franchise. It’s a show that says, “Yes, when everything goes wrong people will come together. They will love each other. They will make it through.”

What’s more Star Trek than that?

#star trek #ST #mymetas #Anonymous

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pinnochiro · 3 years

Text

pinn reviews - final fantasy xv

a long ramble about final fantasy fifteen that sort of looks like a review, as written by someone who finished the game fifteen minutes ago and needs to get these words out of his head. spoilers inbound.

i'm a pretty big fan of video games. i don't know what my first was, but it was probably either banjo and kazooie or mario kart 64, at my cousin's house when i was very small. i think that video games as a medium are so interesting, since the fact that video games are inherently interactive changes the way that they tell any story. it's a shame that despite loving video games so much, i'm absolutely terrible at them.

i'm absolute dogshit at video games. whenever i boot up something new, i always play on easy mode because. i'm that bad. unfortunately, this means that a lot of video games are simply. impossible for me to beat. that's fine, as at the moment i live with my good friend lizz, who is certifiably Good at Video Games, and so we've been playing video games together for a little bit now. typically this means that she will actually play the majority of the game while i sit with her and watch, but occasionally i'll have a go, but she'll end up with the controller as soon as a boss fight or puzzle or a mechanic i just can't seem to grasp shows up. we recently played through the entirety of the kingdom hearts series together, and this was an absolute blast of a time. i'm glad to say that i adore kingdom hearts now, and it's become one of my hyperfixations, which you might be able to tell from my icon. but we'd finished the kingdom hearts series, and we were left to move onto something else. we'd also played final fantasy 7 remake, so in my wisdom, i suggested that we play another final fantasy game.

we looked through the ff games that were already purchased on our consoles thanks to lizz's uncle, and eventually, we decided that we should play. all of them. however to start, we were going to play final fantasy xv, 15, and work our way backwards through the mainline, single-player games.

i'd heard that xv wasn't very good, but honestly, i was still quite curious. one person who i'd been following on twitter for years was pretty obsessed with the main party members, to the point where i knew their names and what-not even though i didn't have much of an idea what the game itself was about. i remember watching a video by supereyepatchwolf a few years ago about how the game sucked, but i couldn't remember much of the details, and i knew, based on my obsession with kingdom hearts, that xv had started as a different game called final fantasy versus xiiv. i don't know all the details about versus thirteen, but i do know that it was originally helmed by the creator of my beloved kingdom hearts, mr tetsuya nomura, and that after many years, the vast majority of the game was thrown out, nomura wasn't in charge any more, and the whole thing was rewritten and reworked, which sounds like a fairly rough development cycle. but so what, i don't care about gameplay. i want to play the video game with those cute guys that i see fanart of on twitter, and lizz seemed happy enough to play through it with me.

and so we started final fantasy xv. i've been told that since the game was practically dead on arrival, they threw in a bunch of new content and reworked a lot of the early game before i got my hands on it. so my gameplay started with a scene of the four guys fighting some demon dude on fire and they're all old and grotty. whatever, that cutscene ends and we're put into a combat tutorial. that's over and we're on the road in what looks to be central america, pushing a car.

our four leading lads are noctis, the prince of the lucis empire, his best friend prompto, his bodyguard, gladio, and his chef and other things, ignis. i do quite like the main four members of the party in xv. prompto is quite easily my favourite, voiced by robbie daymond of goro akechi fame and with a bunch of fun little animations and quips that make him very likeable. he gets extremely excited at the idea of riding chocobos and has what i considered the best scene of the game, where he and noctis meet on a motel rooftop and discuss prompto's imposter syndrome, since he's only part of noctis' official retinue as his best friend. noctis is a fairly typical main protagonist, he's in love with a woman he hasn't seen in eight years and needs to go marry her or something, i don't care. gladio is a tough macho man with a mullet who wears leather jackets and wields a greatsword, and is apparently only 22, which is at least 10 years younger than i assumed. ignis is a strategist and chef, who takes on the most authoritative role and constantly tells noctis to not drive his car at night. i was not a fan of ignis at the start, but he grew on me, especially with how hard the game hit me with his personal arc. the four boys are off, driving to noctis' wedding in a different country across the desert when their car breaks down. we then run into the first issue of the game.

cindy is a mechanic. she also has her ass and tits out constantly, like your sleazy uncle's shirt with a naked woman was instead semi-alive as a video game person. she fixes your car and acts fairly sexual and it's just like. why do we have to do this. aren't we over overtly sexualised women in video games who have no reason for the way they dress other than the character designer was horny? whatever, i like women as much as the next guy, but cindy's design just. makes me feel so uncomfortable.

anyways you get to do a little driving around with the boys, until you stay the night before catching the boat to your fiance. overnight, you find out that noctis' kingdom has been basically destroyed by an invading empire called niflheim, and practically everyone noctis knows, including his father, are dead. you learn that noctis and his bride to be are also assumed dead, with noctis hearing his own death announcement on the radio. the game has a bunch of added cutscenes that are actually footage from the three-hour-long prequel movie that came out after the game, are extremely hard to follow and honestly i had no idea what i was looking at. anyways, noctis' family is dead, so it's time to do some hunting sidequests.

that brings us to the combat, i suppose. rather than the turn-based or even active turn-based combat that the series is known for, xv opts for more modern action rpg-styled combat. i was, naturally, terrible at this, but i managed to get around it with the fact that. it is almost impossible to die in this video game, provided you have enough items. the game allows you so much time to heal yourself that there's practically no way to have your entire party wipe unless you're doing absolutely terrible, and even then, your party members will probably try and heal you themselves before that happens. lizz tells me that the combat is boring, you just push the same button over and over and then you win. i do appreciate that, for someone like me who is terrible at reading enemy movements, there is a giant button that pops up on screen that tells you when to push the block button, but even then i was prone to fucking it up. whether that's the bad game design or my terrible gaming abilities is up to you to decide. anyways, the game is fairly easy but has annoying combat, your teammates limit breaks will only land about 50% of the time (or never, if you are gladio) and i was still bad at it, so i didn't have all that much fun.

instead of an active levelling system, the game will only tally your character's level ups when you either make camp or visit a hotel. camping is, in my opinion, the only saving grace of this game. each time you make camp, you get to see the characters doing fun little camping activities together and just hanging out, ignis will cook up a new meal in a dramatic fashion and everyone will compliment him and eat it off their coleman's branded plates, it's just very fun. you also get to see what pictures prompto has taken, which is one of my favourite gameplay features. prompto's passion is photography, and while i support him in this wholeheartedly, his picture taking skills are, quite frankly, awful. the game will randomly take shots while you're on the move, which leaves you with a delightful selection of awkward poses, characters hidden behind bushes, pictures taken while someone is half-dead in combat, and snaps where the natural lighting absolutely makes it impossible to tell what's going on. it's hilarious and going through prompto's collection of photos each night is honestly the best part of the game. we managed to wind up with a few shots that, even despite being scripted events, turned out absolutely terrible, and i will cherish those forever.

anyways, since noctis' father and fiance are dead, that leaves him the king of lucis. the only important person to make it out of the capital alive tells you to drive to the middle of nowhere, where he randomly springs on you. hey. go into a bunch of these dungeons and absorb a bunch of swords, this is your destiny as king and how you will defeat the empire. noctis goes, uh, alright i guess, and you're set loose again to wander around for a bit collecting the 'royal arms'. this plot point wasn't explained well but hey, whatever, we're collecting the glowy swords and that's fine.

you're introduced at some point to ardyn, the main antagonist. he's old, kind of groady and wears a fedora. he's a dick to you and talks about his automobeeel. apparently my friend miri thinks he's hot, she is wrong.

i can't remember what happens specifically but you're told that your fiance is still alive and in fantasy venice, and she's talking to the gods on your behalf to borrow their powers. there's a mission where you follow some purple trees that are electric, and you do that i guess. i enjoyed riding the chocobos around, but couldn't care much for the plot at this point. ardyn leads you to a volcano, where you fight a giant lava god. he tries to step on you and i, a denizen of the internet and with an active fear of foot fetishists, was extremely uncomfortable. noctis becomes friends with foot man and a lightning god who lived in those trees, and ardyn steals your car.

very upset by this, noctis and his gang risk everything to sneak into a military base and steal it back. because this is a video game, this works out fine.

there's a little mining city which is all about Girl Power, because all the Women run the Mining Industry like Girl Bosses, and you hang around there for a bit. because all the women are so Empowered, they wear bikinis all the time with overalls over the top. gladio decides he needs to fuck off for a bit, i have no idea what he does since i haven't played the dlc, and then he comes back with another scar. you hang out with his sixteen year old sister, who has a crush on the engaged and 20-year old noctis, and then you drive her to a lighthouse. when she's in your party, she can't really fight, but she gets a pink chocobo and i thought that was very cute. we turned out own chocobo white and lizz named him 'jones' after a mount she has in ffxiv.

eventually, you have a long boat ride over to fantasy venice. this is the part where the game stops being 'fun with a few issues in combat and a rushed and poorly told story.' the open world, which was a main feature with a bunch of little areas to find where noctis can fish, little hunting sidequests and random photo spots where prompto takes touristy photos, is now gone, and it will not return for the entire rest of the game. you can 'go back in time', but the open world was the most enjoyable part of the game, and it kind of really sucks that the main story doesn't let you have any more freedom like that.

after arriving in fantasy venice, you have a talk with fantasy hillary clinton and beg her to let your girlfriend summon a god into the middle of her city. hillary agrees, and you don't get to meet up with your fiance, because even if the game is constantly telling you how much noctis loves her, there is. barely any interactions between the two in the entire game. from what i can tell, they met when noctis was a child and they haven't seen each other in ten years but are still fantasy dog pen-pals. noctis marrying her was supposed to make an alliance or something like that, but her brother has betrayed her to the army. noctis' girlfriend is also an oracle, which means she can heal people, i guess? everyone talks about how important she is and she's constantly telling people that she needs to use her powers to help noctis but she's practically a non-entity.

as can be expected of most female love interests in a game primarily focused on men, noctis' fiance is killed while summoning a god for noctis to befriend. noct gets very mad about this, and turns super saiyan and kills the god back, but his girlfriend is dead and that's super sad you guys. there's a beautiful prerendered cutscene where she says goodbye to noctis but since we barely know her, and we've only been told over and over that they're in love without anything to actually well, show this, it didn't have much of an impact. fantasy venice is destroyed, and ignis is blinded while trying to help calm the giant raging god.

iggy's blindness and how the game makes you account for this and grow to care for him was one of the highlights, in my opinion, as well as crushingly depressing. while i'm not disabled and have no right to say if this was 'good disabled representation' or anything like that, i believe that the game handles it decently enough. the group falls apart as noctis is upset about his girlfriend, gladio is extremely mad that noctis won't care for ignis, and prompto just wants everyone to get along. there's a mission where gladio constantly yells at you passive aggressive things to noctis about how he's a cunt for running, which is obnoxious, but the character arc itself is fairly strong. when you make camp, ignis can't cook anymore, so everyone eats cup noodles in a depressing ass cutscene. ignis remains in your party for the rest of the game despite his disability, and he doesn't magically regain his sight like other fantasy media would do, which at the very least i think is good. i'm not sure what the opinion of actual disabled people is of the character, considering how often disabled characters are either turned into misery porn to make the abled audience be glad that isn't them and if ignis' arc falls into this trap, but i hope that it wasn't handled too poorly, as that would just be another terrible mark in this game's list of bad moves.

the characters eventually make it to the evil empire's capital, which is abandoned and filled with daemons. the characters learn that ardyn is super evil and taught the king of the empire how to turn humans into daemons, which has now happened to the entire city. the 'magitek suits', presumed to be enchanted armour that fights as the empire's infantry, actually house the souls of the human-turned daemons. honestly i like this as a plot point but the game handles it pretty terribly. there could have been more lead up to this, the explanation is pretty lacking, and prompto's Big Plot Twist is. terribly handled. turns out that prompto was born in the empire and was going to be one of those empty soldier daemons, but he was rescued by people belonging to noctis' empire. not that the game tells you that. instead, prompto goes 'turns out i'm one of ... them' and Does Not Elaborate. The game doesn't tell you shit, not about prompto's past, not about how he feels about this, not about how anyone else feels about this either because the other party members just go 'oh that sucks, good thing you're not evil' and the scene ends. robbie daymond tries so hard to sell these terrible, terrible lines, and it almost entirely fails, i'm so sorry prompto. fortunately because i'm a nosy ass, i read prompto's wikia page and knew the plot twist ahead of time, because i don't think i would have even registered it if i didn't.

anyways everyone in the evil empire is dead and ardyn starts talking about how he's immortal and an ancient king of noctis' country but the gods thought he sucked because he's too evil. i missed most of this because the cats got the zoomies and were dashing across the couch right in the middle of his speech so i can't tell you anything else. noctis tries to get a big magic crystal to fight him and instead. gets schlorped inside.

TEN YEARS LATER

yes then ten years actually pass while noctis is asleep. the game shows this by switching the head on noctis' character model to have a beard, but that's it, no changes in animations or whatever. the sky is permanently night and only one human civilisation remains, the rest destroyed by daemons. as a plot point, this ends up feeling. extremely worthless. why was noctis asleep for ten whole goddamn years? so we can wake up and go 'damn it sucks out here'. but it's barely even a like, incentive to fix everything, because you have a long talk with a former child you were friends with where he talks about how humanity is still going fine and everyone's okay and the world has moved on without you. it feels. pointless. when you meet up with your party members, they are exactly as you left them, only with slightly different character models. there is no change in the voice performance, the character's movements or how they talk to show that they've been without you for ten years. they barely mention it. i'm just. so confused as to why they decided that a ten year timeskip was the way to go? since nothing really changes, couldn't you have made it like, two years? one year? six months?? have the characters react a little more? something??? at least if it was only a year or so i wouldn't have to deal with the fact that noctis looks like norman reedus with his shitty facial hair now.

anyways after that there's a bunch of long and boring boss fights. you fight some dead kings for some reason, your party members get a little bit to talk about how cool they are and how much they love noctis, and then you meet up with ardyn. there's another boring boss fight and god this was only a few hours ago but it's already gone from my head. you summon the gods and the old kings to beat the shit out of him after you both go super saiyan again? there's incredible music but it feels barely earned and just kind of eh. anyways, noctis dies, which was the price of using the crystal of light or whatever the fuck. his ghost marries his fiance's ghost finally, and they smile as they look at one of prompto's pictures. you can pick any picture you want to go here, and then the credits roll, showing all of the pictures you saved of prompto's shots. showing me all the pictures at the end is honestly lovely, but it really only served to remind me of how much more fun the game was in the first half. and that's the end, of final fantasy xv.

so what did i think of the story? it's terribly cobbled together and struggles to get you to feel anything and play out all the plot beats. you feel awful for the countless employees who spent years working on the beautiful cutscenes only to have them be in this game, which sucks and the story barely gets through. there were parts that i enjoyed, mostly the thing about the daemons being people, but honestly the rest of it is a mess. it's hard to follow at the best of times and just awkward and terribly written at the worst. the ending is cheap, and it doesn't feel like you've actually accomplished anything. i left that game feeling numb and empty, sad that i'd wasted so much time to end up with such a colossal failure of a conclusion.

i had fun with the game when it was my four little guys running around doing sidequests and camping together. after the midway point of the game, there's none of that, and you're bogged down into a plot that just pushes you from point a to point b and boring overlong bossfight to boring overlong bossfight. the character moments between your party are a lot of fun, but the second you hit fantasy venice, everything is pretty much on rails and you can't do anything except what the game tells you explicitly to do.

should you play this game? no lol. if anything i've mentioned about the story interests you, you'll be better off watching a lore video or reading the wiki. if you do want to play it after all that, just don't proceed after the myrthril refining quest, it's pretty much all downhill from there. will i play the dlc? unlikely, i think lizz and i will just watch a cutscene movie of those.

this game left me feeling empty and numb and not in a fun way. i wanted, so, so hard to like this game, and it all crashed around me in a beautifully overproduced and confusingly written cascade. i love you prompto, but even your cute little freckly face and terrible photography can't save this trainwreck of a game.

tl;dr - final fantasy xv sucks. i hope that 13, our next ff game, will be better.

#ramble #review type thing #did you read all of this? im impressed #i did not proofread #so if its a mess #just pretend thats a meta commentary about the game itself #i wrote this for like an hour trying to understand the feelings this game gave me #final fantasy xv

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voidstilesplease · 3 years

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By the Angel, TALK

Warning: THIS IS AN ANTI-CLARY AND JACE SPOILER RANT because I need an avenue to let out some of the steam I've been holding off since starting City of Fallen Angels. So PLEASE SKIP AHEAD because I don't want to burden you all with my reading woes.

This thing centers on the beginning of Chapter 9: From Fire Unto Fire and a little bit of Chapter 8. About eight pages of bad, bad romance set me off.

To start,

The rest is under the cut, so you can go away now.

So, what's been happening to Clary and Jace thus far?

This book introduced them now as an official couple, picking up from the end of TMI Book 3: City of Glass. I don't remember their every scene since then to the point in Chapter 9 where I stopped, but basically, they're having relationship issues early on. They're less than two months into their relationship, and the drama is too frickin much.

Jace has these weird dreams about murdering Clary and waking up guilty about his subconscious thoughts, so he goes angsting about it and avoiding her, snapping at her, being a total dick, and still question why people think they are on the brink of a break-up.

So, Jace goes with Simon in the next few scenes, in his plight to get away from her as far as possible, yet still be somehow close by being around Clary's best friend to "protect" him, so his distant behavior will be reasonable and forgivable. Yeah, make that make sense. 🙄 But of course, one way or another, they're going to have to get to the confrontation part (that I still wish had been equivalent to an actual break-up), and so that's when Chapter 8 & 9 enters.

Chapter 8: Walk in Darkness pp. 185-186

Almost instantly, the light went out of them, and the remaining color drained out of his face. "I thought --- Simon said you weren't coming." ¹

[...] "So you only came because you thought I wouldn't be here? [...] Were you ever planning on talking to me again? [...] If you're going to break it off, the least you could do is tell me, not just stop talking to me and leave me to figure it out on my own."

"Why does everyone keep goddamn asking me if I'm going to break up with you? [...]²

First, what an asshole?!

[1] So Jace finally in-your-face's Clary and confirms that he has been keeping his distance like Clary has the plague. He then has the audacity to [2] be annoyed for being questioned on his intentions of keeping the relationship that he has been actively evading for days!

I get that Jace sucks in romantic relationships and has been fucked up by his daddy-issues, but he has the Lightwoods. Heck, Alec is his parabatai. He sees working relationships, so he has to have known that you don't just stop talking to people close to you and have them not question the behavior, whether you're trying to pull away from them or not. Otherwise, then Jace is dumb for all that he's marketed as the "best" Shadowhunter in his age. Screw that.

---

“You talked to Simon about us?" Clary shook her head. "Why? Why aren't you talking to me?"

"Because I can't talk to you," Jace said. "I can't talk to you, I can't be with you, I can't even look at you."³

[3] Way to make a girl feel special, Jace. Oh, no, yeah. He's trying to do the opposite and push her away with some teenage boy angst that doesn't make any sense. Like, who says that, though, aside from dramatic love interests that can't make a better excuse for going emo?

That line IS TOO DRAMATIC that it hurts, ugh. 🤮

Anyway, so Clary walks out after that. I don't sympathize with her, but I'd do the same. Who wouldn't? Unless you freeze in the ridiculousness of the situation, that is, which is also likely.

Chapter 9: From Fire Unto Fire pp. 190-195

Now, here's the real shit. I want to quote this entire six-page scene back to Cassie and scream at her.

Clary reached the door and burst out into the rain-drenched evening air. [...] and was about to race across the street against the light when a hand caught her arm and spun her around.

It was Jace. [...] "Clary, didn't you hear me calling you?"

"Let go of me." Her voice shook.

"No. Not until you talk to me."⁴

[4] DUDE, what even happened to your I CAN'T TALK TO YOU, I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU speech, huh? Be consistent for once, apart from your douchebag routine. Make up your mind, Jace.

---

Still holding her by the arm, he half-dragged her around the van and into a narrow alley that bordered the Alto Bar. ⁵

[5] Man, I love a bit of rough loving in my literature, but I'm so pissed at you, Jace, don't even. Lay the hell off.

---

"I was going to tell you that I was trying to help out Simon. [...]

"And you couldn't tell me? Couldn't text me a single line letting me know where you were?"⁶ [...]

[...]

"I think," he said slowly, "that I thought that the closest thing to being with you was being with Simon. Watching out for him. I had some stupid idea that you'd realize I was doing it for you and forgive me---"⁷

[6] Addressing the lack of communication, that's a great path to follow. These two need to talk so bad. [7] But this line? Sucks Balls. You could be with her, Jacey, and save all the readers your drama if you only pull your head out of your ass and try to communicate. It's like you're allergic to it.

---

She took a step back, blindly, and nearly tripped over an abandoned speaker. Her bag slid to the ground as she put her hand out to right herself, but Jace was already there. He moved forward to catch her, and kept moving until her back hit the alley wall, and his arms were around her, and he was kissing her frantically.⁸

[8] Not only is this achingly cheesy, but it's also totally not the way they should be going off about their situation. They were already talking -arguing, yes, but they're still using words to reach out, and their relationship absolutely cannot be healthy without them. Thus far, they have spoken so less in comparison with the times they've spent canoodling. They're not solving anything by having drama on one second and getting it on with dramatic kissing on the next.

I don't care what Clary says about being so lost in love with Jace. He's treating her like shit. The least he can do is give her answers that she has the right to demand from him. Kissing is not an answer. But, well, maybe to Clary, it is because the next parts from page 192 to 194 are spent on softcore porn in a dark alley under the frickin rain. I bet that's a very romantic setting in their minds, huh.

---

And now this part:

It was nerve-wracking. She could feel the feverish heat that came off him; her hands were still on his shoulders, but it wasn't enough. She wanted him wrapped around her, holding her tight. "W-why," she breathed. "can't you talk to me? Why can't you look at me?"

He ducked his head down to look into her face. His eyes, surrounded by lashes darkened with rainwater, were impossibly gold.

"Because I love you."⁹

[9] Is that supposed to make me tingle? SET ME ON FIRE, but that is the lousiest I love you in books that I have ever read. AND IT'S THE ONLY ONE THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, at all!

Shut up with this, can you please. It's not romantic at all. It's a dumb excuse and an even dumber love from the two dumbest people in this whole frickin series. Oh my god.

Clary, realistically, will frown at this answer. She will pull the hell away and spat him in the face with how demeaning his love is if it can make her sick to the stomach with thinking he has already gone bored and is only cooking the perfect way to cut off their connection. He hasn't given her a sound reason, only desperate declarations of love like he's trying to convince them both that it's true. And it doesn't make sense how she's still plastered around him in the cold, trying to convince the readers that every word from Jace has deeper meanings that she understands no matter how gibberish they are. I'm not buying that, okay? Stop selling your larger-than-life connection bullshit because that isn't real.

You've only been together for two months, okay? The strongest you can feel for each other is lust. And it's showing.

---

His hands slid down to her waist and he kissed her, long and lingering, making her shudder.

She pulled away, "That doesn't make any sense."

"Neither does this," he said, "but I don't care. I'm sick of trying to pretend I can live without you. Don't you understand that? Can't you see it's killing me?"¹⁰

She stared at him. She could see that he meant what he said [...] Her desire for answers battled the more primal part of her brain, and lost. "Kiss me then,"¹¹

[10] NOBODY THREATENED YOU UNDER BLADE TO DO THAT BULLSHIT, so shut the hell up with the whining. [11] and Clary, I am so disappointed. You've both just drained me, and I'm dry inside like a raisin.

The next paragraphs describe their very erotic kissing against the wall. Jace, propping her up and her legs around his waist bull crap. Seriously? Am I supposed to believe these two are, what sixteen?- up until Isabelle thankfully ruins their moment by kicking a garbage can that would look better with Jace and Clary in it tbh.

---

And the nastiest horseshit of all:

Clary looked at Jace. At any other time, they would have laughed together at Isabelle's moodiness, but there was no humor in his expression, and she knew immediately that whatever they had had between them ---whatever had blossomed out of his momentary lack of control--- it was gone now. [...]

"Jace---" she took a step toward him.

"Don't," he said, his voice very rough. "I can't."¹²

And then he was gone [...]

[12] No, I frickin CANNOT. His actions keep on contradicting his words, and he's fickle and can't decide which mood to settle, and it's so exhausting, honestly. He wasted a few pages for a cosmic, meaningless declaration of feelings. They're empty words. At this point, I believe the writing only strives to convince the readers that these characters care for each other but is shitty at showing it.

It's not love, because they say it is love.

---

I was already gaining hope for this book, and then one simple few-pages scene with clace squishes it, smearing the innards on my face.

Honestly, TALK OR TAKE A BREAK. This back and forth can't continue throughout the rest of the book or -heaven forbid- the rest of the series. Or at least, put these characters in the background if they really must drag on this problem, because I care not a lick.

Bye.

#📖: city of fallen angels #current read #anti clace #anti clary fray #anti jace wayland #city of fallen angels #mid-read rant #I'm just so triggered #books #bookish #bookblr #book quotes #book lines #shadowhunters #late to the party woes #cassandra clare #what are you doing with these characters #did you forget this wasn't a twilight fanfiction or something

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recurring-polynya · 4 years

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Hello, don't know if you are still doing requests but would love to hear your thoughts on my fav character kukaku shiba! Congrats on the 500! Can't wait for BLEACH 2021!!! (also if the requests are specifically drabble I'd love to hear some ikkaku/renji banter or headcanons instead) 🦑

These are both very good requests and they’re the only ones I’ve gotten so far, so you can have a two-fer.

Kuukaku is awesome. She is the best Shiba. I love everything about her. I am extremely pro her terrible architecture choices. I hope that the moment Yoruichi set foot in her house, cold shivers went down the spines of at least 10 people in Soul Society. I would ship her and Yoruichi, but that is waaaaay too much top in one relationship. Mostly, I want to see them go on Ocean’s 8 style capers together where they look extremely good and own people.

The thing I want to know most about the Shiba is how they got kicked out of being a Great Family. I like to think that after Isshin’s disappearance (it also bothers me to NO END that we don’t know whether Kaien died first or Isshin vanished, so I made an executive headcanon decision that Kaien died first, and also that both events happened in a relatively short span) and Kuukaku raised hell about not enough investigation being done, and was basically fomenting rebellion and was using her power to poke into a bunch of rich dudes’ business, so they had her family demoted on the merits of “conduct not becoming a noble family” or some shit. If Kuukaku doesn’t own a jacket that says “If I die, drop my body on the steps of the Central 46″, I will eat my hat.

This is a bit of a hot take, but I do not actually want more canon Kuukaku content. Bleach has too many characters, and it would be better if more of them were allowed to be cool and mysterious in the background. If I ever find out how Kuukaku lost that arm, I want to find out from a brilliant fanficcer who has spent three years thinking this shit out. I would, however, very much appreciate (1) filler episode where Isshin goes back to Soul Society to sheepishly apologize to all the people who grieved for him, and I want Kuukaku to put him through some sort of humiliating Shiba penitence ritual. Also, I want her to teach Karin and Yuzu to build fireworks and smoke pipes and bully their brother. For some reason, I see Yuzu taking to this more naturally than Karin.

B PART!!

Ikkaku/Renji banter, set shortly after the end of the Soul Society Arc: Renji shows off his new bankai. I admit I went slightly over 500 words, like we all didn’t know this would happen.

“So have you thought about if you’re gonna be one of those ‘straight-to-bankai’ guys, or a slow roller?” Ikkaku asked as he hopped the fence to Training Field #3.

“Oh, straight to bankai,” Abarai replied as he followed. “Right away. Gonna show up to fights in bankai, if possible.”

“That’s probably the right choice for you. You get beat up a lot. Okay. Go ahead. I’m ready.”

Renji wrinkled up his face for a moment, and drew his sword. He rolled out his shoulders and, with a flick of his wrist, released into shikai. He raised his eyebrows. “Eh? Nice, huh? Right?”

“Yeah, no release command, great. Get to the good part,” Ikkaku replied boredly, investigating the contents of his ear with one finger.

“You gotta back up a little bit. It’s kinda big.”

Ikkaku glowered at him and took a step backwards.

“Like three more steps.”

Ikkaku sighed heavily, and took three bored steps backward. He thought he had done a better job teaching Abarai to be cool about stuff, but every time the kid managed to do anything decent, he turned into a big, fucking puppy about it. Or maybe it was just around him. Ikkaku decided not to interrogate that too deeply.

“Bannnnn-KAI!”

Ikkaku had to take a jump backwards to avoid a massive coil of bony snake. “Fucking sweet!” he exclaimed.

“I know, right?!” Abarai crowed. “Listen to this!”

Ikkaku’s field of view suddenly filled with a lot of fangs and glowing eyes. The skeletal jaws opened wide and a brain-jarring SKCHREEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCHHHHH!! filled all his senses. If Ikkaku had any hair, it would have been blown back. Fortunately, the thing did not have breath, although knowing Abarai, if his bankai had breath, it would just smell like cookies, or some shit.

“What good does that do?” he shouted back, hitting one of his ears with the palm of his hand, trying to get his hearing to come back.

Abarai’s mouth was moving, but Ikkaku couldn’t hear him. Oh, well, the kid sure could blather. “--mmmph mmblle defense!”

“Mmm, sure,” Ikkaku agreed, pretending like he’d paid any attention to that. “What the fuck are you wearing? Yumichika is gonna piss a brick when he sees that thing.”

“It’s a stole!” Renji frowned defensively. “Look, it’s got a baboon skull on it!”

“Why the hell do you have a baboon skull? Your bankai’s a fucking snake.”

“It’s actually a nue. A baboon snake.”

“Sounds like some nerd shit to me. So, are you gonna let me fight that thing?”

“Yeah yeah yeah! I thought maybe you could go to bankai and we could have a bankai-to-bankai fight!”

“No.”

Renji’s face fell. “No?”

“You know I don’t have bankai.”

Renji scowled. “Madarame, I’ve seen it.”

“Someone probably hit you on the head too many times and you dreamed it.”

“Come on, what better thing do you have to do with that three tons of hot mess than fight my bitchin’ snake guy? And Captain Kuchiki says it’s gonna take a lot of training before it’s ready to use in battle. Who better--? I mean, I thought, maybe--”

Ikkaku sucked his teeth and scratched his ass. “I told you, kid, I’m done with you. I don’t want people thinking you fight like me. Besides, for fuck’s sake, you outrank me. You should start acting like it.”

“That’s bullshit!” Renji protested. “You’re just worried that if you keep training me, I’ll figure out how to beat you.”

Ikkaku snorted. “Is that how it works? A guy offers to do something nice like training you, and you spend the whole time trying to reverse engineer his whole fucking deal and figure out how to beat him?”

Renji made a face. “Well…”

“You aren’t even in my squad anymore, junior. Kuchiki thinks you need training, go tell him to train you himself. You’re his problem now.”

“That would be-- I mean, if he would-- wait!” Realization started to dawn over Renji’s face. “Wait, are you suggesting--?”

Ikkaku drew his sword and shook it out into its polearm form. “Fuck, you talk a lot. First one with a concussion buys drinks.”

“You’re on!” Renji agreed with a grin.

#kuukaku shiba #renji abarai #ikkaku madarame #500 follower drabble weekend #i'm taking requests thru monday!#so send 'em in!

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deardiarygirl · 2 years

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On Friendships and Codependency

For the first time in my life, someone very explicitly turned down my offer of friendship. I can't say I didn't see it coming, but I'm in awe of the fact that this girl was willing to actually address the fact that she didn't think we were a good friend match. I simultaneously feel sad and appreciative.

I've never been good at making and keeping quality friendships, and I think that can be attributed to a number of things. The biggest, I believe, is my very first best friend.

Way back in Kindergarten, I met a girl. I'll call her Kate. I don't remember how we bonded or how we decided we were best friends, I just knew that Kate was my pal and I was going to hang out with her whenever I had the chance at school.

Every day at recess, Kate and I played a game she invented. It was called Training. When we played Training, Kate would tell me to do things (run over there and back as fast as you can, go down that slide, push me on this swing), and when I did what she asked, she'd congratulate me on a job well done. It felt nice to get that positive attention from her, and the stuff she wanted me to do was basically just playing, so I thought it was fun and it was a good way to keep her happy.

Without realizing it, keeping Kate happy eventually became my whole focus. I felt I had no choice to keep playing Training because I didn't want her to get upset. That's how she wanted to play, so I should keep doing it so she wouldn't be sad.

We did this for literal years. I squashed all thoughts about how it wasn't fun anymore and I wanted to play my own way. I just quietly did what Kate asked because I didn't feel like I had a choice. Kate never threatened me or told me I didn't have a choice, but that's what it felt like.

One day I finally broke down and told my mom about what was happening. I was so scared to tell Kate I didn't want to play Training anymore. My mom reassured me and convinced me that it was important to speak up for myself. So I mustered up some courage and a few days later, I finally asked Kate if we could do something else.

Her eyes widened. "Oh, you don't want to do Training anymore?"

I shook my head.

Kate shrugged. "Okay."

What? That was too easy. I asked her, "You're not upset?"

"No, I thought this day would come." Kate responded nonchalantly. "I knew you would want to stop eventually. That's why I always asked if you wanted to do Training. You could have said no anytime."

At the time, I mostly felt relieved that it was over. I was glad I said something, and we found other ways to play.

Now when I look back at it, I'm bothered by her response. She literally groomed me to want to please her, training me like her dog, and then expected me to feel comfortable saying "no" whenever I wanted. Neither of us really understood that dynamic as kids, but now that I realize how messed up it all was, I'm disappointed that I didn't try to change things sooner. And I'm disappointed that Kate ever thought it was okay to play like that. But she was a kid and probably didn't know any better.

What sucks, though, is that this experience with Kate really shaped my codependent nature. For years, she reinforced that it was my job to make the other person happy, to do whatever they ask, to please them. To not speak up for myself or form my own opinions. When I meet someone new, it's not about whether I actually like who they are - it's entirely about whether I find it draining to please them.

I remember back when I was in high school, I used to pride myself on being a mirror. Whomever I was with, I would see their personality and reflect it back to them. I would act in ways I thought they would like. I moulded my interests to fit in with theirs. If they were sassy, I would give them sarcastic jokes. If they were serious and mature, I'd be well behaved.

I thought I was versatile. I thought I was special and I could get along with anybody. But really, I had zero sense of who I truly was. And even now, years after I discovered this about myself, I still don't really know who I am. I'm trying to figure it out.

So it's hard for me to make friends. I don't know how to be myself when I meet someone. I have a hard time stopping myself from falling into the comfort of reflecting the other person. I need to remind myself that even though it feels easier to interact with people that way, it's damaging and draining and it prevents me from actually getting close to people.

The girl I mentioned at the beginning of this post... she's amazing. She knows what she wants and needs when it comes to her friendships, and she's not afraid to be clear when a friendship isn't working for her. I want to be like that. I want to know what I'm looking for and feel confident enough to speak up about it.

#dear diary #diary #diary entry #journal #journaling #my diary #online diary #personal #personal diary #friends #friendship #codependency #codependent #people pleasing

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moriganstrongheart · 2 years

Text

TTRPG #1: Bending My Own Rules

One of my favourite things about working on my own tabletop system has been establishing rules for the game, and then finding ways to break them. Maybe it's my detail-oriented mindset—my need to test and prepare for every possibility—but I get satisfaction from saying "This works...but what if it didn't?"

In most cases, this manifests as abilities that allow players to circumvent negative game mechanics. In a few rare cases, though, I like to go further—more than I probably should. I'd like to get into some examples, but since this is my first post on IF:RPG, I should explain basic game mechanics first.

The way encounters work in IF:RPG isn't really different from most TTRPGs:

The GM sets up a scene.

The player tells the GM what they want to do.

The GM determines if a roll is necessary.

The player (with help from the GM) determines if their character has anything that can modify the roll.

The player rolls their dice pool to perform their intended action.

The roll's outcomes are resolved and the consequences play out.

Possible ways to resolve the roll include:

Failure

Mixed Success

Success (Full Success or Regular Success)

Critical Success

Free Intuition

I won't get into the details right now; it's a lot to explain, and it's not necessary for what I want to discuss in this post.

What I want to focus on is that in IF:RPG the main RNG is achieved through dice rolls. While it's fun to empower players by allowing them to side-step the RNG, completely removing it would also remove the Game from Role Playing Game, effectively transforming a play session into an improv session. Don't get me wrong—I believe improv is a necessary component to the TTRPG experience, and it's fun in its own right. But without a game mechanic to simulate chance, it's left up to the players to introduce impactful complications and hardships at inappropriate times.

It's not that players are necessarily incapable of weaving interesting narratives; it's more that leaving the looming threat of failure to an impartial entity like dice rolls adds an element of tension and surprise, while removing the responsibility and blame of making situations more difficult from the participants. Of course, one could make a case that the GM decides the intensity of consequences, but the decision to implement failure is still left to chance. In any case, rolling math rocks is exciting, and leads to interesting situations.

So when thinking about how I can break the rules, completely removing dice rolls is something I try to avoid as much as possible. When I do, I make sure there's some other cost for the players to pay.

And yet, I still have the urge to break the system, which leads to the Risk Analysis specialisation.

As an aside, during character creation, players select a Species, a Class, a Quirk and Specialisation. A character's specialisation makes them unique, whether within the group or from others that share their class.

And Risk Analysis is probably the most unique specialisation I've added to the game so far.

It is an attempt at gamifying the unnecessary bureaucracy surrounding financial services, specifically when it comes to risk assessment. If you're unaware, there are entire industries that run on taking people's money, then deciding whether those same people deserver financial security (it sucks). Specifically, the inspiration for Risk Analysis came from movies like Stranger Than Fiction and Along Came Polly, the first of which is actually decent, though both movies suffer from the manic pixie dream girl trope.

I just thought it would be funny to have a character who is so focused on analysing risk that they completely side-step random chance.

In other words, no math rocks.

Here is an excerpt from the first draft of the rulebook regarding the Risk Analysis specialisation:

You do not roll dice when performing actions; instead, you have to calculate the risk involved in performing an action before taking said action. The closer your risk calculations are to the GM's calculations determines whether you succeed or not.

Risk is assessed based on the class and species of the player character, the potential incoming damage, the threat level of the encounter, and the character's ability to tackle the intended action. Success is measured differently from the standard ruleset, but the consequences remain the same (except for the ability to gain Intuition, which isn't possible via risk calculation).

What this means is that every time the player wants to perform an action, they must guess how much damage their player character will receive if they fail, as well as the level of the encounter. They must then calculate a risk score based on all available information.

This requires as much extra work as it appears. But the point here isn't to empower the player, but instead to provide a different, potentially interesting way of approaching gameplay.

I provide the following example in the rulebook:

The GM calculates that the player character jumping over a pit of spikes has a risk score of seven (7) based on the following factors: • Base Risk – +4 (Terran Adventurer) • Worst Case Outcome – +5 (Spike Pit) • Threat Level – +1 (Same Level) • Modifiers – -3 (Skill + Feat) If the player guesses a score of seven (7), they would get a critical success. If they guess a score of ten (10) points, they would get a mixed success instead.

I don't expect this specialisation to see much use in play. It's a lot of work—for the player and the GM—and can be tedious. But for someone who wants to really embody an overly meticulous character, I can see them having a good time with it. It can also appeal to people who don't like chance, or maybe to people who are themselves particularly meticulous. Including Risk Analysis in the game is at the same time a joke, and a way for me to bend my own rules.

Apart from Risk Analysis, I also included a few other complex specialisations and quirks:

Adaptable – Player must select a new specialisation every time their character levels up.

Infected – Character is inflicted with an incurable illness that drains them physically, but can lead to great power at higher levels.

Roleplayer – Player has two character sheets; one for their player character, and another that represents a character their player character LARPs.

Obedience – Character is unable to perform actions without explicit orders from other characters.

Robot Avatar – Character controls a robotic android from a remote location, with the majority of their interaction with the world occurring through the android.

To be clear, the vast majority of quirks and specialisations offer simple character empowerment, and it's left up to the player to make things interesting once play starts. The quirks and specialisations listed above do much more of the heavy lifting, while also giving opportunities for interesting complications and developments.

The feedback from my players on these out-of-the-box quirks and specialisations has been pretty lukewarm so far. In retrospect, I can see why new players wouldn't want to bend the rules while they're still getting used to the standard ruleset. My hope is that players will be more inclined to explore weird, rule-bending options for their characters once they've gotten used to the game.

#ifttrpg #immortal freedom #immortal freedom role playing game #rpg #worldbuilding #discussion #my discussions #ttrpg #homebrew #writing

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terselylove · 4 years

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Depression...

My experience of dealing with social anxiety is a feeling of overwhelming fear when interacting with individuals I wasn’t comfortable with. I was unable to look people in the eye when speaking to them, and struggled to keep a conversation going. I came off as both extremely quiet and shy, as well as rude, which anyone who knows me well knows I am the opposite of.

During this period of my life my self-confidence was at an all-time low, and I felt disgusted every time I looked in the mirror. I stayed away from people as much as I could, and felt I made an embarrassment of myself whenever I went out in public. I constantly had a voice in my head saying “Why would anyone want to be friends with you? You are ugly and pathetic.”...

I love summer. Lighter evenings, longer days, warmer weather, summer dresses, perhaps even some sun if we’re lucky. Generally speaking, as seems to be common with most people I speak to – when the sun is out, I’m in a better mood. However, as someone who also experiences periods of depression, I’ve found that this isn’t generally the case when it comes to my mental health.I’m fortunate that I’m currently in a much better place at the moment but, when I think back to a few years ago, I found the summer months to be an immense struggle.When the clocks sprung forward, it all felt a little bit daunting. The things I’d usually look forward to about the change in seasons now served as reminders that I really wasn’t ok.The lighter evenings and longer days meant more time counting down the hours until it was dark enough to go to sleep. The warmer weather meant more plans to cancel and, as a result, more excuses to make up. I couldn’t even muster up the enthusiasm to decide what to wear each day – something which would ordinarily bring me a lot of enjoyment – and so the summer dresses stayed at the back of my wardrobe.Perhaps depression is a little easier to understand in the winter. It’s dark, it’s cold, most people are spending evenings at home not really doing much. If I was having a particularly bad day / week / month, it didn't feel so wrong to get home from work, change into my pyjamas and just go to bed.Yet when summer rolled around, it seemed as though everyone was out and about having the ‘best time ever’.

And then there I was, struggling to get out of bed.For someone experiencing depression, it can be difficult to watch those around you enjoying themselves. I'd mute group chats so as not to be met with the constant barrage of plans, I'd excuse myself from after-work drinks, and I'd invent reasons not to attend BBQs and family gatherings.“But it’s such a nice day…” people would say, “you should get out the house, it might cheer you up."Yes it was a nice day but, whilst their words were well-meaning, they simply weren't helpful. I already felt as though I was wasting my summer and I knew I should get out the house, but it just didn't seem possible. A nice walk on a sunny afternoon might do wonders if I'm just having an 'off day', but depression is so much more than that, and a sunny afternoon isn't a cure.Depression doesn't care about the weather, your weekend plans, or the birthday coming up that you'd do anything to be able to enjoy. It doesn't think to itself "summer is here, time for me to disappear for the next few months."

That isn't how it works.I'm in the fortunate position of having friends I could be honest with. Friends who would still keep inviting me to things 'in case I felt up to it' and didn't judge me when I stopped replying to messages for days or weeks on end. They'd suggest shorter periods of socialising that felt a lot less daunting, and remind me that they were still around if and when I felt up to going out.In more recent years, I've managed to enjoy my summers without the weight of depression casting a shadow over them to quite the same extent, and for that I'm incredibly thankful. I think my own experience has also made me more aware of how others might be feeling, and I'd encourage anyone who thinks a friend might be struggling to try to understand and have a little patience.

Some people understand it, some think it’s an attention call. For me, depression is like that pile of laundry that you don’t want to show in your Instagram pictures. I never want to show my pile of laundry to the world, I want my life to seem happy and put together, as if I folded and put away all my laundry right out of the dryer.Ever since high school I have suffered with extreme depression and anxiety. I can defend the issue for hours and hours, however I get embarrassed when I feel sad. I get so embarrassed when I am sad and those around me do not understand and treat me as if I’m crazy.Typically most of my life I’ve always just been called dramatic when I’m upset. It has become one of my biggest triggers, because most of my life I haven't had that fight to defend it. I just, quite simply, let it eat at me.Depression can be the hardest when others just don’t understand you. I get sad for no reason so often that I’ve created safe spaces. In our current home, my safe place is my bathroom floor. Probably about at least three times a month you can find me locked in my bathroom on the floor, crying. The lock on that door is the only form of power I feel I have at that moment.

I see you.

I share this because it’s real, I share this because everyone has that pile of laundry.

I know everyone may not have depression, but everyone has something hard they’ve experienced, everyone has something to share and everyone has something to relate to.

Many times I have found myself on that bathroom floor contemplating life and how to make it past that very moment, will I? I have to say how thankful I am that I haven’t followed through. Life is so hard. Sprinkle on some depression, heck, dump it on - and life is now even more hard.Please don’t ask me how I can be so sad I could contemplate suicide. Because honestly I do not know, nor do most people in that situation. How did we make it to this moment? What did I do to deserve this sorrow?You never know who is hurting. Those who are, we often are the most resistant, waiting for a hand to be held out for us to grab onto as the pressure of our mental being closes in on us.Check up on those who are quiet, those who check up on you; maybe conversation is being sparked due to their need to communicate. Let’s talk about our hard times, it’s healing, not embarrassing.So, here’s my laundry pile. You’re not alone.

Depression is not an emotion - it's an illness

Ah, mental health stigma surrounding depression. The worst that's been said to me in all these years having depression is:"Don't go and have a moment on me!""Don't quit your job. I know your job has been making you feel depressed but you're being stupid. You haven't tried hard enough.""Is that all your depressed about?""Stop being ungrateful and take your Great Aunt's advice!"

Please, stop.

This is not me being lazy, ungrateful or selfish. This is me dealing, sometimes suffering, with depression. This is my demon running its black toxins through my head, poisoning my thoughts and feelings.

Depression is not an emotion, it's an illness. A completely and utterly illogical illness. Just like with colds, for example, some colds can just be a little sniffle, sneeze, etc, while some colds can completely wipe you out and keep you bed-bound for x amount of time. Whether you have a mild cold or one from hell, you still have a valid cold. People with the strongest immune systems can still be affected by them.

From an outsider’s point of view, sure, they would be able to see the positive things going on in your life. However, when depression strikes, for me at least, it feels like a part of my brain has turned off the switch to be able to enjoy things. If it's really bad, I'm unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel with whatever I'm dealing with. I can also feel like a shell of a person sometimes. It's as if my brain has temporarily sucked up my personality and misplaced it somewhere else. I'm there but not there at the same time.

I don't choose to do this, depression is basically trying to tie me down in a chair at the cinema, forcing me to watch its fake "reality" tale about how my life will always be rubbish, dark, etc and how I'm worthless. Sometimes I can fight it off, but other times it can catch me off guard and I believe it for a while. Depression, by the way, is one hell of a liar.

The best way I can describe the switch being turned off is while you can see the beautiful colours of the world, I only see black, grey and white. My favourite meal in front of me is suddenly tasteless mush. My favourite TV show/YouTube channel is changed to, what feels like, a very boring presentation about something I've never been remotely interested in. Going out with loved ones can feel like everyone is spinning around me in fast motion while I'm sitting there in slow.

Depression is one of the worst things I have ever experienced, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Thankfully over the last 9 years I've learned to differentiate my depression thoughts from my healthy thoughts. I know my depression is just trying to make me watch a fake tale about me and my life, like how I described earlier, but I know I can beat it each and every time it knocks me. Depression might be strong but I'm much, much stronger.

Please do not judge other people's struggles and do listen to what they have to say. Their mountain may be a molehill to you, but everyone is different and everyone’s feelings are valid. Please, please always remember that.

For a long while, I've been having issues with mental health. I remember asking my mum one day years ago if hearing and seeing things was normal and her response still sticks with me. "You're too young and don't know what REAL mental health problems are."

At the time I was incredibly depressed, anxious and scared of myself and what I might do. Whenever I tried to reach out and ask to see someone for help because I was seeing things, she always gave an excuse to dismiss what was going on, like I needed more sleep or I needed to "stay off that phone!". I just wish she might have listened a bit more, instead of brushing me off as lying, or getting angry and impatient with me. If she had been more supportive, I would have felt more capable of handling myself during my bad episodes.

Considering that not even my own mother would believe me, I truly felt alone and thought that no one would listen to me and brush me off as liar or even a fake. It made it hard for me to reach out for help or take care of myself in the ways I needed.

Now that I'm in my later years of university and I'm in a relationship, I've had to be truthful to myself and acknowledge that I do have issues that need help with. It's taken me even longer to learn how to trust people, that people will reach out to help me if I ask for the help I dearly need. That I won't be told I'm too young or it's because I'm tired or because I'm on my phone too much before going to sleep.

It's taken me years to realize that I need help and that no one but me can choose whether or not what I'm dealing with is real. I don't need someone to compare their own experiences to mine and deem my cry for help as valid or not. But if I had a parent that believed me and took me to someplace where I could've gotten the help I needed, I think I would've been able to cope better with my conditions now.

Some people fail to realize that mental health doesn't discriminate against age and sadly for me it was the person I looked up to most that failed me.

I never know how to explain depression to someone. It’s so different for everyone and comes in so many different forms. Some people describe their depression as a weight that holds them down, ever-present and demanding of their time. Others describe it as a shadow that looms in the back of your mind, always taunting and jabbing and trying to tear you down. Some days, you just have thicker skin. And then sometimes, depression is described like drowning. It’s wading in an ocean of poison and barely catching your breath before you’re dragged back under.

I don’t think people understand that depression is constant. Some days it doesn’t feel as heavy, it doesn't tug and pull as hard. And other days, it knocks you down before you can even get out of bed.

I am always fighting this constant battle with myself. I may smile and laugh and seem happy, but know that, somewhere, in the back of my mind I'm struggling. The happy interludes, the in-between where the weight doesn’t feel as heavy, are simply vacations from the reality that is my depression.

It makes me feel like a failure, no matter my successes. I feel worthless and like I’m a burden on everyone around me.

My depression is a beast that lives inside me. It whispers horrible things in my ear, tells me that I am waste of space. And all the while, I have to smile and pretend I’m okay.

That life isn’t beating me, no way. I’m too stubborn for that. I have to pretend that there isn’t some rabid animal inside of me, clawing to get its grip around my throat and snuff out my life.

People who don’t have depression don’t understand. But they can still be there for people like me. When they say something that scares you, don’t yell. Don’t get angry because you don’t comprehend how their mind works.

My mind is a scary place. I shouldn’t need to open up and spill my darkness for your compassion.

Support people with depression, even if you don’t understand. Just be there.

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bisexualpirateheart · 7 years

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Okay, so, weird question, feel free to ignore this! But I've been trying to figure out if I'm lesbian or bisexual for a long time, and I don't know anyone who's bisexual to compare my experiences to, so I thought I'd try and ask you, if that's something you're comfortable with: how do you know for sure that you're attracted to men, too? Like, possible tmi, I really enjoy a lot of m/m fic with blowjob scenes, etc, and I think about men often when I'm fantasizing -- I think mostly just because 1/2

2/2 I have a submission kink and I like the idea of penetration that’s also directly physically stimulating for the person doing the penetrating, but maybe that’s my brain making excuses? (Also quite probably internalized sexism, which I’m embarrassed about.) And I feel like Toby Stephens is really attractive, but on the other hand pictures of naked men like the Tom gifset you posted do absolutely nothing for me. I tried once, with a guy, and I just kept like petting his equipment literally 2/3

3/3 but then didn’t want to do any more than that. But maybe that’s just because I didn’t like him all that much? Anyway I realise this is such a weird tmi inappropriate question to ask. I don’t have anybody irl to ask and I’m embarrassed not to have figured this stuff out in my early thirties. I think I’m a lesbian, but like, maybe I’m fooling myself? A real lesbian wouldn’t fantasize about men? How did you know you were really attracted to them and not just imagining it?

Okay so my response got pretty lengthy so I am putting it behind a cut.

Tldr: there is no wrong way for you to identify and only you get to decide what works for you.

For starters, it’snever too late to figure stuff out, Anon! Just because you’re in your thirtiesand still figuring this out, doesn’t make that any less true. If there’s onething I’ve learned as I get older, there’s always more stuff to figure out. It’show life goes, which is unfortunate in some ways (it would be easier if we had everythingalready figured out obviously) and all right in others. I was in mymid-twenties when I realized I was bisexual and while on the one hand, I wouldhave liked to have figured that out sooner, it would have been hell at thatpoint in time, where I was in life. Mostly the realization just made sense, anda lot of things fell into place and just clicked in my brain.

Also I’ve dealt withkinda the same thing as you, but in reverse. Am I not really bisexual because Igrew up thinking I was straight, attracted solely to men, etc. How do I know ifI’m really attracted to women or do I just think they’re pretty and I’mpretending that admiration is more? I haven’t kissed as many women as I’vekissed men and so forth, am I just faking this?

I unpacked it when Irealized that I felt the same about Sarah Connor that I did about DeanWinchester. I found them attractive I wanted to be like them, I wanted to do them. While that doesn’t work for everyone (especially in real life, obviously) butit did help me put my feelings into perspective.

Attraction is weird,it’s fickle, it often doesn’t happen when we think it should. You can be on adate with the nicest person and not be attracted to them. You can’t forcesomething like that. Sometimes it comes along after awhile, sometimes it neverdoes. I’m not attracted to every man I see, just as I’m not attracted to everywoman I see.

If you’re notattracted to men you see on a daily basis, irl, on the street, etc, that isokay! If you’re attracted to actors sometimes, that is also okay! I think aboutthis a lot actually because it can be easier to allow an attraction to an actordevelop because you don’t have to deal with the pressure/nerves of getting toknow someone in person, and plus they’re just *there*. They play roles youlike, characters you’re interested in, it’s easy to allow attraction to grow inthat space because it’s a safe environment to let it happen.

Regardingcelebrities/actors/musicians, all of that taste and attraction is entirely subjective.Nobody is attractive to everyone. I know that when people are like ‘oh man,This Guy is just the hottest’ and you’re like ‘…..I see where you’re coming from,but he just doesn’t do it for me.’ That can make you feel like you don’t fitin, you don’t understand other people, and so forth. That is okay. I know it feels false, but itis! Just because other people find someone attractive doesn’t mean you’restrange for not doing so. The things that appeal to us, that make up the thingsthat form attraction are just random.

Also, Only You Get ToDecide If You’re A Real Lesbian. That is a thing that you are in control of. Doyou like the identity of lesbian? Does it feel the most natural? Has it feltright until someone told you were a fake for thinking about men? Do you want tocontinue identifying as a lesbian or does bisexual truly seem a more applicableterm? Do you feel like you’re betraying lesbians if you do decide you’re bi?You’re not, by the way. Sexuality is far more fluid than people like to thinkand as we get older, we come to know ourselves better. You are not betrayingone side if you decide something else fits you better now. You get to decidewhat label works for you. No one else gets to say you’re not a real lesbianbecause you enjoy fantasizing about men from time to time, if that label feelscomfortable for you. That’s not how it works.

On the subject of dicks,it’s not weird or wrong to consider or discuss the differences between whethera guy’s doing the penetrating or a woman and what that’s like/how it feels forthat partner. (Women can get physical pleasure from being the partner penetrating btw. Possibly you might be interested in pegging?) Also dicks are a lot of fun in fantasies and fiction and often muchmore frustrating in real life. It’s not wrong to not be into them (but it could be that that particular guy justwasn’t the one for you. It doesn’t mean you have to keep touching dicks untilyou find one that interests you. It also doesn’t mean you can’t touch anotherdick if you feel like it. With the dick owner’s consent, obviously. I do notadvocate just going around touching dicks at will. People frown on that.) Alsowe all have internalized sexism, because unfortunately that shit is ingrainedin us when we’re young, which sucks, but as long as we’re aware of it and dealwith it, things do get easier on that front. (Also obviously not all men havedicks, not all women have vaginas, that’s not how we define gender etc butanyway.)

When it comes down to figuringout if you’re genuinely attracted to men, I guess, think about the men you havebeen attracted to and find attractive (smiles at Toby Stephens), the men whoshow up in your fantasies. Think about what it is that makes that appealing. Isit a fictional aspect? Is it that particular character in a show? Is it reallygood hair? The curve of their jaw? A good sense of humor? The way they smile? Thereare no wrong answers and like I said, attraction is a strange fickle thing. Whenyou find something in particular like that, that works for you, how does itmake you feel? Good? Aroused? Interested to see what would happen if you twowere in a room together? This is literally different for every person you willmeet in your life or see on a screen, but for me my stomach gets a littletight, like I’m nervous, but it’s not bad, it’s more just edge of the precipiceexcited, like if the person stands close to you and all you can think is ‘youare standing so close to me, and your shirt is unbuttoned and I can see yourthroat and chest and I recognize you are saying words, but you are standing soclose to me.’ THINGS LIKE THAT. (Again, this is different for everyone, butrecognizing your own responses, how does your body react, etc, that’s all partof recognizing attraction.)

Also the first chart on this post here helps break down different kinds of attraction for what it’s worth and maybe that’ll be helpful for you too.

There is no cleardivided line in bisexuality unfortunately. It’s not like half of you is interested in men,half of you is interested in women. It’s more shifting percentages I’ve found.I started out thinking ‘oh yeah, I’m definitely like 95% straight but there isa 5% that is interested in girls.’ And that 5% shifted to 10% and more, andmore and slowly I was like ‘welllllllllllll…..here we are.’ A lot of days Ifeel I’m at a 60/40 range, mostly because I know how to identify my attractionto a dude more immediately than to a woman. (Is she just nice? She’s pretty butis she pretty in I want to kiss her or I just want to look at her??? How do Iknow for sure? And sometimes it’s one and sometimes it’s the other.)

What it really comesdown to, you get to decide what works for you. Basically, if you want toidentify as bisexual, you can do that. If you want to identify as a lesbian,you can also do that. The latter doesn’t mean you have to stop fantasizingabout men, and the former doesn’t mean you have to engage in sexual activities withmen irl you’re not really that interested in. There is nothing wrong with beinga lesbian who has fantasies about men, or bisexual who doesn’t want to touch themajority of dicks out there.

I know this isn’t areal definitive answer to your question, and I’m sorry about that. I wish Icould give you one. I wish I could make this all easier and tomorrow you wouldn’thave to wake up thinking ‘oh god, which one is right?’

There is no right one.There is only you and how you feel about things and what works for you.

But I want you to know that I think you’re greatjust as you are, and I hope you have a lovely life with people you enjoy. Allthe best

#long post #discussion of attraction and whatnot #mention of dicks behind the cut #bisexuality stuff #I hope this is somewhat helpful anon

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