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mashiee · 1 year

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JOHN HEADCANONS !!!!! YES I AM DOING THEM AGAIN WAKE UP UNOBLR

*for hcs that are very important to me

full name is john astrid doe*

gay as actual all fucking fuck*

SIMP. gay Disaster*

afab transmasc !!!! he and blyke were roomed together bc theyre both trans !!!!!!!! i know so uru told me herself its canon !!!*

he/him pronouns !!*

ya ik hes 5'11 canonly but we need some variety in heights so... 5'10 (blyke is now 5'8 bc i said so)*

has a half older sister named harpington (an oc of mine 😊) who bullies him religiously jkjk she loves him shed kill for him*

high pain tolerance

very irritable

his attraction wheel is absolutely all over the place*

ADHD, depression, and PTSD. you know the drill*

tends to take things too personally even when he tries not to

favorite color is purple. no this does not have anything to do with sera /srs

very bad with understanding social queues

very bad at understanding what he wants or what kind of person he is*

has a therapist named vivian (absolute godsend of a person, also an oc) who he would later found out was literally. his sisters Wife 🧍*

is not. allowed to drive

has Okay cooking skill. enough to survive and it not taste Terrible

does Not Like bugs

gay disaster. so so fucking Gay*

physically, remi could kick his ass. and shes more buff than him. which kind of isnt rlly abt john but it includes him so idc idc*

has anemia. very forgetful (mostly due to ADHD) and often forgets to take his iron pills 😐*

actual shit hearing

PALE AS ALL FUCK. THIS BITCH GOES OUTSIDE INTO THE SUN W SPF 70 ON AND IMMEDIATELY SETS ON FIRE. VAMPIRE TIER, WHITE ENOUGH THAT HE REFLECTS THE FUCKING SUN

naturally white hair !!!!!! he dyes it black tho*

hes also who dyed sera's hair !!*

will wear whatever clothing. it's whatever. its clothes. likes long skirts a lot. and sweatshirts*

he has fangs !!!! lil teeny sharp fangies. like theyre small but theyre still there nonetheless. more sharp than anything. theyre the kind that puncture better than they tear (think dog teeth when they're puppies)

wet cat

allergic to strawberries 🍓

has to study more than others to make decent grades

has a mole on [his] right cheek (fun fact this came from me miss-seeing what was meant to be a dust particle as a mole)*

his eyes glow in the dark so if u see him at night hes scary as shit. cryptid tier

his pupils sometimes dilate into slits like a cat. this also means that they sometimes widen into giant circles when looking at things he likes, like pizza

kind of knows a bit abt makeup and enjoys doing it

bags under eyes due to reoccurring nightmares and insomnia both from said nightmares and also adhd*

has a tongue piercing. theyre so funky

extremely bad at regulating his anxiety and often doesnt know what to do when he has anxiety or panic attacks

did i mention gay disaster*

reads a lot of webtoons and manwhas

#btw i have an unordinary discord server :] go to my pinned if ur interested :D #my posts #unordinary #webtoon #unordinary webtoon #webtoon unordinary #john unordinary #unordinary john #headcanons

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llimerrence · 7 months

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mass hc post for louie because im in a mood

He's allergic to peanuts. Not severely, but enough to make his tongue 'feel fuzzy'. And Donald thinks he should carry medication in case it ever did get bad enough; but Louie doesn't.

Louie suffers from Clinical Depression & General Anxiety Disorder

His symptoms include:

Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness

Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters

Loss of interest or pleasure in most normal activities

Insomnia

Has trouble falling asleep & staying asleep

Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort

Reduced appetite and weight loss, binge eating, stress eating

Feelings of worthlessness and guilt

Trouble concentrating

Trouble remembering things

False Memories (rare, but they freak him out)

Self harm and suicidal ideation

Avoidance of social situations

Poor attendance at school

Has trouble controlling their worries or feelings of nervousness

Easily startled

Has unexplained headaches

Louie takes anti-depressants & anxiety medication.

He’s still working with his doctor to get the right dosage

he tends to forget to take them. but he’s supposed to take them with his breakfast

Sometimes, for a few days, he won’t take them simply due to feeling ‘better’ only to fall back into depression (wow almost like,,, the medication is making him feel better)

Only Huey, Dewey, Valerie, Donald, and Scrooge know he is taking the medications. He doesn’t want to tell Webby or any of their other friends.

Val has instilled certain set of morals into Louie when it comes to money, even if he doesn’t always follow them.

eat the rich

dont con ur family, that’s rude.

family comes first, even over money

don’t be ashamed for not having money; who you are as a person means more

don’t take money from ur family without asking. never ask for more than you need.

eat the rich.

Names Louie has had in his phone for Val:

Valerie

Val

Aunt Valerie

Aunt Val

Mother

Mom

Care giver

CALL BACK RIGHT NOW

Momma mia (here we go again)

law maker

houseboat CEO

not my drug dealer.

maybe my drug dealer?

legal drug dealer

Captain (he only answered phone with ‘ahoy mate’)

louie’s hoodie covers his arms because he has a lot of self harm scars, his body is constantly exhausted because of his depression, lack of sleep, and the fact that he tends to binge eat or only drink pep for days at a time. he also doesn’t take nearly as good care of his body as he should simply due to the energy it would take to do things like shower and such, so he just does bare minimum and yes he owns like 15 versions of the same hoodie, but he’ll wear the same outfit like 3 or 4 days in a row to save on energy. and he lays around and doesnt do anything for days at a time due to his depression and exhaustion and he purposefully makes people believe he’s lazy so they don’t know when hes actually having a bad day vs a good day because he doesnt want people to worry about him especially not his brothers and–

Hi, so, yeah Louie does self harm. I’ll never go into detail with it, like describing him doing it because that’s triggering for *me* to write. That said, I will write after care and talk about it if my partner is okay with it, or if it’s for a meta or a drabble. That said, if I ever mention it, and you want me to change it? of course. No biggie.

That said, Louie does self harm on his right wrist and on both forearms. He doesn’t do it often, and it is usually far between when he does it. He always bandages himself up once he is feeling better, and always disinfects his wounds.

Louie is trying to get better, and while he does go to therapy once a month, he tries to cover up when he relapses and tends to only tell Donald or his brothers when he’s doing really badly. He wants to fix his issues on his own, even though he needs help to do so properly.

Louie was hospitalized for a suicide attempt once. he was in-patient for a little over a week. Huey and Dewey were not allowed to visit him due to not being old enough. Only Donald was allowed to visit him. This was shortly before their time at the mansion.

He’s been hospitalized two times for self harm; both times he was out-patient for about three weeks. These were both during their time at the mansion.

#hc; || louie;#tw self harm mention #tw suicidal ideation mention #tw suicide mention #tw anxiety disorder #tw general

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aftgficrec · 3 years

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hello!! i would like to offer you all a cup of tea for your service <3. can you recommend any fics like “can you help the hopeless, i’m crying on my knees)” by cake_lovin_ace on ao3? some good ol angst with comfort, i mean. for andreil and nerik both please?? thank you and i hope you have a nice day!!

*sips the tea* We’ve had a recent ask for this and have many previous recs where you’ll find what you are looking for, and I’ve sussed out a few more. - A

previous angst/comfort for andreil...

underrated heavy angst here

heavy angst with a happy ending 2 here

canon divergent angst post TKM here

neil runs after joining the foxes 2 here

neil with anxiety here

neil hit & run/car crash here

new neil with ptsd here

hurt neil/protective andrew here

andrew visits neil at psu here

minor hurt/comfort with soft andrew here

andrew bad day comforted by neil/foxes here

hurt andrew/worried neil here

andrew + therapy here

andreil comfort hugging here

andrew/neil selective mutism here

bad day/panic attack here

sick fics here

amnesia fics here

jack & sheena being assholes here

and nerik

bad days-andreil & nerik here

nicky & depression here

nicky after thanksgiving here

nicky in germany 2 here

‘this love has taken it's toll on me,’ ‘AFTG/TFC minifics…’ and ‘Nicky is the parental guardian to children!’ here

‘AFTG/TFC minifics…’ ch 84 here

‘Afterthoughts’ ch 90 here

andreil

can you help the hopeless? / i'm begging on my knees by cake_lovin_ace [Rated T, 8684 Words, Complete, 2021]

andrew would never call himself insecure, but it was insecurity indeed that plagued him, insecurity that wrapped cold hands around his mind on the nights he could not breathe and warped his thoughts until all he could hear was undeserving, undeserving, undeserving.

andrew has a bad day. neil helps.

tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced self harm, implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: ptsd

Affection can be shown in so many ways by Theoddgalaxy [Rated T, 5978 Words, Complete, 2021]

Andrew is learning, learning to support, to be supported and it’s terrifying. He’s slowly each day relaxing into normalcy, that is until the nightmares start up again, and Luther contacts Nicky.

Andrew has a nightmare Neil comforts. Nicky gets a call from Luther, and it reminds them all they’ve got a home with the foxes. Andrew also drags Neil to therapy.

tw: nightmares, tw: homophobic slur

Lay Your Head Down by Fortheloveofexy [Rated G, 1025 Words, Complete, 2021]

They don't cuddle, or at least they haven't yet. Neil is open to it, but he's not sure how Andrew feels about it. He doesn't want to push that boundary, if there is one, so he hasn't asked for it.

Until today.

NB: accompanying art by @fortheloveofexy, Andreil cuddles and forehead kisses

tw: anxiety

It's a Home by milliewrites [Not Rated (we say T), 5435 Words, Complete, 2020]

" “I just can’t understand how anyone could be quiet about loving someone so strongly when I have to restrain myself from shouting it from the rooftops on a regular basis.”

Erik blushes slightly and reaches for Nicky’s hand. “I don’t get it either, but I really think you’re overthinking this. You can see it, Nicky, if you really pay attention.”

“You’re saying I shouldn’t worry because if I just tilte my head and squint I’ll be able to see to love ricocheting off eachother?” He meant it to be harsh, but Erik just laughs. "

A relationship study into Neil and Andrew from Nicky's POV. But with plot.

Rabbit by @nightlyvoidforecast [Tumblr, 2020]

“I’m not going to run,” Neil frowned, tilting sideways into Andrew’s space. His legs hung out over the ledge while he leaned on his free hand. The other was in his pocket, clenching tightly to his keys.

nerik

still fixing all the cracks by neilwrites [Rated G, 2000 Words, Complete, 2021]

It's May, in Europe. There is absolutely no way Nicky escapes the madness that is Eurovision, not while living in the Klose household. He makes some discoveries along the way.

---

(I promise you don't actually need to know anything about eurovision to understand this fic. spoiler alert it was never about the eurovision)

tw: internalized homophobia

Call to Action by EmmmaMmmm [Rated T, 1266 Words, Complete, 2021]

Nicky sees Erik. He sees beautiful brown eyes and blonde hair. He sees the muscles that could hold up the world.

He sees how Erik doesn’t hide the way his eyes follow boys in the street

Nicky sees all of this, and he sees something that he yearns for so deeply it hurts.

tw: internalized homophobia, tw: religious trauma, tw: referenced suicide attempt, tw: referenced conversion therapy, tw: implied/referenced drug addiction, tw: implied/referenced child abuse

a working thing by Skvaader [Rated G (we say T), 3505 Words, Complete, 2020]

Then there is Katja and Hedy and an emergency “I promise Erik, it’s only for a couple of hours they just need me to help with the store because nobody understands how the system works,” and Nicky peers at Erik and his sister from the kitchen door. Hedy’s chubby hands curls around the thick wool of his sweater.

Nicky and Erik takes care of a his niece.

tw: homophobia, tw: negative self talk

Hidden in the dark by williamherondale [Rated T, 2932 Words, Incomplete, Updated Dec 2020]

Nicky had two secrets that he had never told anyone, apart from Erik.

1. He has ADHD

2. He has a restraining order against someone...and it is about to expire.

tw: anxiety, tw: referenced suicide attempt, tw: ptsd

The World on Mute by IvyCoveredWalls (orphan_account) [Rated T, 266 Words, Complete, 2019]

Andrew is trying to help Nicky. Nicky isn't doing great.

AFTG/TFC minifics, headcanons from @/neilsexy (now @jamory) on tumblr by mugglecastiel [Not Rated, Collection, Updated 2016]

Chapter 37 - nicky/erik + erik in columbia

time comes for nicky to go home he cries at the airport, even though he knows he’ll be coming back as soon as he can he and erik kiss goodbye he leaves.

tw: homophobia, tw: internalized homophobia, tw: religious trauma, tw: referenced conversion therapy

Chapter 18 - NICKY/ERIK + 3 ITEMS (baby’s breath flowers, a university hoodie, & pills/medicine)

Nicky came out of sleep slowly. He usually woke slowly, taking in his surroundings and hyping his mind up to face the day ahead of him, but his mind was usually alert before the rest of him. That wasn’t the case today.

Chapter 70 - nicky/erik + nicky's pills

he was pretty okay yesterday he felt a little off, a little lost, but he was okay today, though? today nicky calls in sick to work, and spends the entire day in bed.

tw: depression, tw: insomnia, tw: nightmares, tw: suicide attempt

Chapter 97 - nicky hemmick + attempted suicide, erik finding out.

nicky’s hopeless he doesnt have a single thing thats real about the person everyone around him believes him to be its starting to eat at him

tw: homophobia, tw: suicide attempt, tw: depression

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coco96 · 4 years

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LDAF - The Avengers

Hiding Magic (Avengers X Teen!Reader) Warnings: Mention of crime (stealing) Request: ... reader who is a very powerful magician ... who also robs because their family is poor ... One day all the Avengers comes to their school to give a speech. However, the reader gets there late and sees the Avengers thinking they’re about to get arrested. They then go to the Bathroom to use magic and escape. Right when R using magic Peter, Tony, Strange walks in. After talking the R ends up an Avenger.

Serenity (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Sick child, illness Request: ... reader being a part of the avengers, but the others gets suspicious when she starts refusing missions on particular dates and she always sneaks of, but it turns out she visits a children’s hospital or something because she wants to give them hope? ...

Crushing The Grape (Avengers X Male!Reader) Warnings: Spoilers to Infinity War. Death. Reader basically tortured Thanos. Think Magneto with blood. Request: Could you do avengers x male reader where male reader kills that giant purple grape(thanos) on Titan

The Happiest Avenger (Avengers X Reader) TRIGGER WARNING: Depression and self harm mention Request: ... R is very happy to a point where they’re the happiest person on the avengers but the R is secretly messed up, they never shows it. The R has a secret they self-harm. So one day Steve finds the scars while they’re talking in the kitchen then thinks the worst. So he sets up a meeting with the crew and the next day R walks in and the crew have to act normal but then comfronts the R but the end is very fluff

Young Weapon (Avengers X Teen!Male!Reader) Warnings: Mention of violence, mention of fire, death of parents, mention of torture Request: ... reader where he’s discovered as a brainwashed assassin (like bucky) where he was taken when he was like 5 and is now 15 and he suffered worse than bucky did and they try to help him oh wow that was long

Not Happening (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Mentions of torture, brain washing, ptsd/nightmares and killing. Request: ... reader is a superpowered teenager that the avengers took care of after finding her in a hydra base. She’s still trying to fit in but the government is trying to take her away due to her past crimes when she was still controlled by hydra ...

Scratches (Avengers X Male!Reader) Warnings: Sexual mentions Request: … Where male reader was training and took his shirt of and the avengers see he has scratches(from late night activities) on his back and tease him about it and he comes up with a sassy response. The whole late night activities don’t have to be detailed

No More Fighting Pt 1 (Avengers X Reader) | Part 2 Warnings: Death of character Request: ... before the battle cap and iron have a fight but the reader plays peacemaker and makes everything alright. At the battle the reader sacrifice themself to help the avengers get away before getting captured ... but the avengers think they k.i.a. And at the funeral cap and iron make peace for the sake of the reader

Ranger (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Fighting Request: .... a steampunk style and meets the avengers after they see her beating up bad guys or something ...

Testing Patience (Avengers X Fem!Reader) | Part 2 Warnings: Mild swearing Request: … a very calm reader who life with the avengers in the tower and one day she is mad at something and all the avengers are there and think she is very cute when she is angry and hug her and joke on her, and she gets more angy because they think she is cute …

Anomaly (Avengers X Teen!Male!Reader) Request: ... reader who is a powerful being and all they know about their life is that they’re human with powerful powers. Avengers are trying to capture them, they’re trying to capture him to question him. because he robbed a bank and seen what the reader could do. The powers he has are called Imagination Manifestation its like imagining something and comes true. And at the end he some how gets a job at avengers

Blind Meeting (Avengers X Blind!Reader) Request: ... reader is really nervous to meet the avengers because shes blind but peter assures her that itll be fine and the avengers end up loving her

Loyalty (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Torture, memory loss Request: ... reader gets compromised, tries to take down the avengers ... They refuse to fight her ...

Revenge Is Bloody (Avengers X Vampire Reader) | Part 2 Warnings: Blood and gore Request: ... hydra operatives keep showing up dead drained of their blood? The team are called to investigate. Bucky is fine with it but everyone seems kind of nervous cause they don’t know what their dealing with. They find out it’s a girl in her teens that hydra experimented on turning her into a vampire and she was able to over power and hunt them down. They track her and she willingly goes with them to join the team.

Much Needed Sleep (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: passing out, swearing. Request: ... reader has insomnia and barely sleeps. She lies to the rest of them (the avengers) so they don’t worry. She has about 4 hours sleep a night, sometimes less. When she’s doing a mission, she collapses from exhaustion ...

Mistake (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Injury, death Request: ... one day the reader messes up badly on a mission and the avengers talk about how the reader let down So the reader quits and the avengers go looking for the reader and finds them and talks about how they’re sorry ...

Real Magic (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warning: Falling from heights, presumed deaths, dangerous stunts. Request: Peter and The avengers go to a circus they decide to go see a magic show, and tony is totally not buying it. It turns out the reader is the star, and her magic is real. Maybe they try to get her on the team. …

“Did you have to seduce the entire team!?” (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Request: … reader is young and beautiful and starts living in the tower with the avengers and she flirts with all of them just for fun, and all of them think that she is in love with them and at the end they start fighting ... and ask reader which one would she choose finally and she chooses ruce ...

I Don’t Know What I’d Do Without You (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Self conscious reader, teasing Request: Can you do a female reader, where she feels as if she isn’t worthy enough to be in the avengers, she feels as if she’s the odd one out. Nat overhears her talking to her friend on the phone about thinking about leaving and she gets the others to convince her she is worthy?

Auntie June Came Early (Male Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warning: Period time~ Request: … reader is in her days and Nat and Wanda are away, and the male avengers got nuts because they think she might be in a lot of pain and overprotect her and dont let her do anything, not even move, and she complain about the pain just once and they all freak out and she thinks is hilarious! ...

Helping (Avengers X Teen!Reader) Warnings: Bulimia, throwing up, bullying, self conscious reader. Request: ... reader is Tony’s daughter (although all of them are protective of her) and she has bulimia and she gets caught purging by one of the team members.

Hello, I’m Pansexual (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Mention of homophobia, anxiety. Request: ... reader’s part of the avengers and has powers, but is pan and struggling w how to come out to the team bc she’s scared they’ll kick her off?

Surprise! (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Sad emotions Request: … reader thinks everyone forgot their birthday but they were just planning a surprise party for them? …

If You Get Killed, Walk It Off. (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Grieving, supposed death, explosion, blood, death Request: … reader is in a mission with the avengers and then there is an explossion and the reader was in that building and everybody thinks that she died, and start to cry and remember how they love her, and finally she was ok, and goes with them and ask what happen? …

Help (Avengers X Reader) SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING: SELF- HARM MENTIONS Request: ... a super angsty self-harm one with avengers.

Where Do Babies Come From? (Avengers X Child!Reader) Warnings: Mild swearing, sex ed talk Request: … reader is the little protect one sister of the avengers (like 12 years old) and she goes around the tower asking the avengers how babies are made. (she doesnt have a mom, so she doesnt know anything) and Tony freaks out because doesnt want her to grow up! …

Phantom (Avengers X Fem!Reader) | Part 2 Request: ... reader’s super badass the team rarely sees her shes like a ninja and according to clint who ever sees her outside missions will have a lucky day (lmao) and like when the teams having movie night shes just like standing behind them in the shadows ...

No Spoilers (Avengers X Reader) | Part 2 | Part 3 Warnings: Spoilers of AOU SET BEFORE AOU Request: ... reader from our universe gets dropped into the avengers.

One Last Goodbye (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Death, mourning. Request: … reader died during a mission. Fury give Tony a USB key and told him to watch the video with the rest of the avengers. on the video the reader is talking about how much she loved them and tells each avenger little facts that she loved about them and she thanks them for being her family. …

Birthday Girl (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Request: ... it’s the female readers birthday. She works with the Avengers but aside from that she doesn’t have any friends. She is having a bad birthday, the avengers don’t know. They find out it’s her birthday and surprise her, making it better. …

Welcome to the Family (Avengers X Elf!Reader) Warnings: Mentions of neglect Request: ... reader is half human, half light elf but you were taken from Alfheim and abandoned on earth when the dark elves attacked. (From Thor) The avengers find you and take you in. Thor offers to bring you home but you’ve gotten attached to the human world and decides to stay. You’ve especially gotten attached to Tony cause he treated you like a daughter since you were very young and petite. Smaller then normal elves

Not Your Fault (Avengers X Fem!Teen!Reader) Warnings: Mention of extreme injury, disability, guilt. Request: ... reader is Tony’s teen daughter and she is really good friends with everyone in Team Cap but then during the airport fight she gets hurt and is unable to walk again ... and then when she sees Team Cap again they feel really guilty specially because one of them caused the injury and Natasha feels angry at herself because she was supposed to be her mother figure and look out for her ...

Fitting In (Avengers X Adopted!Reader) Request: ... Tony, being known for his impulsive choices adopts a 14 yr old girl. She’s got the innocent girl next door look but she’s a complete devil. Nat loves her, Clint is afraid of her and Loki, Bucky and Sam are her partners in crime for evil pranks. All is well until she pulls a prank on Bruce and he hulks out. But even Hulk falls under her innocent spell and can’t seem to do anything to her.

Hair Pulling (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Hair pulling, pulling hair out Request: ... One of the Avengers finds out that the reader has trichotillomania and try’s to help them to stop?

Headaches (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Spoilers of AoU, Illness, swearing, mention of getting high and drunk Request: The reader is sick all of the time and the avengers are concerned about them, so they have to try and convince the avengers that they’re okay in the long run ...

Killer Cupcakes (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Serious illness, near death Request: ... reader is like really sick/hurt and tries to hide it from the other avengers, but they find out and freak bc she almost died ...

The Ultimate Sacrifice (Avengers X Male!Reader) Warnings: Death of character, description of death, mourning Request: ... they’re trapped in a capsized (upside down) cruise ship and the reader ... sacrifices himself to save the group, based on the song My Immortal by Evanescence ...

Animals (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Swearing Request: ... reader is sort of spiritually connected with animals or has some sort of connection with animals where they just adore her ... and the avengers ... keep finding random animals around the tower and Tony keeps telling her off for it; secretly everyone finds it amusing and the reader knows this.

I Need My Family (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Mention of harrassment, assault and swearing Request: ... reader is part time university student - part time Avenger ... and reader somehow gets into some trouble that involves the police, and they try to keep it secret from the others, but Steve finds out and tells Wanda, then they tell the others ...

Other Me (Bucky X Fem!Reader) | *PREQUEL* [Part 2] | Part 3 *Sequel Warnings: Needles, stabbing, blood, death Request: … reader joined the avengers before Bucky. He sees her as sweet, shy and innocent but during missions she’s a complete psycho? After missions its like nothing happened. So he asks Steve about it and he says she’s like that cause before missions they take her off her meds that keep her in check. If she doesn’t have them she’s kinda over the top angry.

Hidden Art (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Request: ... reader is a shy recruit at the Avengers and she doesn’t really talk to anyone and didn’t let anyone in her room, and one day someone walked to her room and found out that she was very good at art ...

Joining The Team Pt 1 (Avengers X Reader) | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 ~Finale Warnings: Blood, Violence, torture Request: ... Avengers x reader fic, really angsty ...

Compromised (Neal Caffrey X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Nat kills someone, violence Request: ... Neal Caffrey (reader’s boyfriend) finds out she’s an Avenger, and the Avengers find out she has a boyfriend? Mozzie is protective of Neal and Nat and Bucky are protective of reader and try to scare Neal into backing off?

I’ll Kill Him (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Mentions of Domestic abuse. Request: Reader is the Avenger’s assistant and like a little sister to them, and one day she doesn’t come into work and Bucky goes to her house to make sure she’s OK and finds out she’s in an abusive relationship and helps her.

Where’s Nat? (Avengers X Teen!Reader) Warnings: Blood. Looooots of blood. Request: teen reader has period and goes to avengers for help but Nat isn’t home – Tony is her uncle!

Not alone (Avengers X Reader) SERIOUS WARNING: SELF HARM MENTIONS. Other warnings: Getting shot. Request: Avengers see Reader’s self harm scars and confront her

Overprotective much? (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: One swear word, threatening, flirting, drinking and attempted murder by an overprotective brother. Request: ... reader is Tony´s sister and she is really beautiful (thats why Tony won´t introduce her) and the avengers are surprised and start bothering Tony and he gots really jealous and protective ...

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maltrashdump · 3 years

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everyone see them, but no one truly does. everyone knows their names, but no one really knows them. they see the great, not struggle. the ups, not downs

blossom

overworking, anxious, multiple panic and anxiety attacks. help other and cover herself in work to keep her brain busy from her own problems. the need to help people and being unable to say no. needed by everyone wanted by none. migraine from having to solve everyone's problems. trust no one, doesnt cry but is always about to, something in herself doesnt alow her to. insomnia. she took the role of mom. downs everything by drinking, working pr taking migraine pills, but also dances to feel free.

bubbles

fake personality in order to be everyone's favorite, she cant break down. always has to be the glue that keeps everyone together. in depth, really self centered and apathetic. migraine from bad sight. can trust one and only one person. everyone has to love her, no matter what. always thinking on how others see her, but acts like she doesnt care. needs to be continuously reminded that shes is loved and appreciated. impulsive shaking out of nowhere, hands, legs, jumps. doesnt argue at all. smokes to relief stress, but also writes.

buttercup

nervous and ocd habits. biting nails and just gets nervous around people or gets overwhelmed by a big multitude. has some ocd habits but not that bad. gets nervous and just screams at anyone near. does break down but in front of certain people. always feels left out, but tries to hang out with friends and dont stay in a place alone. afraid of being lonely and alone, but also has nervous attacks when there too many people around. bite her nails and skin to calm down, but also does yoga.

boomer

anger control issues. sometimes he just cant keep it in and just screams and cry and just every emotion out of control. comes from overthinking. needs to chill but is unable, just let it all out. cries out of frustration. tends to break stuff and walls. scared of himself cuz he thinks he might hurt someone really bad someday. he tends to be alone or lonely cuz of this, doesnt want to have close relationships with people since he doesnt trust himself. break stuff and yells to calm down, but also does meditation.

butch

physical pain and problems. everything hurts but refuses to go to see a doctor or a psychologist. the pain is a lot but he just keeps going and damage himself more. cant do shit hes passionate about cuz of this. he doesnt know if the pain is phycological or real. is like his legs dont work somedays. and his back is just as bad. not a lot of people know the depth of it, but he doesnt cry about it unless is really bad. tends to freeze in situations of stress and cant make his body work. smokes and drink to drown the pain, but also gets massages and draws a lot.

brick

depression. days and days laying in his bed without moving and just sleeping. no motivation, no energy. sleeps way too much. doesnt eat, shower or clean. he just lays there trying to feel something. fails a lot of classes cuz he has no interest in them. struggles to feel anything and it's all just a big empty. really worries him that no one would ever love him, hes always remained of the mess him and his life is and cant trust anyone to survive with him like that. crave love but doesnt feel like he deserves it or that he would ever accept it. gets high to try and feel stuff, but also tries to sing and play an instrument.

they all have something in common, they try their best to look okay, and to make sure no one notices.

and no one does. no ones sees blossom breaking down and keeping the smile on her face for everyone. no one sees buttercup getting all uncomfortable or her hands full of blood cuz of the nail biting. no one sees how much bubbles tries to be liked by everyone, how much she change and how little she feels. no one sees boomers room being all broken cuz of his anger and frustration, or his fears and red face for trying to hold it in. no one sees butch limping or just laying in bed cuz he cant keep himself standing without falling. no one sees brick just doing nothing at all and sleeping all day.

until someone does, and that makes thing just worst

#so this was an idea that i have and i liked it so im sharing it lol #but yeah #this is how i cope sue me #will i work on this more? who knows #i have a lot of thoughts on this but its all depressing #powerpuffgirl #ppg #rowdyruff boys #rrb #blossom utonium #buttercup utonium #bubbles utonium #butch jojo #brick jojo #boomer jojo

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paracosm-and-dissociation · 3 years

Note

Greetings and salutations, hope I don’t bother you to much. May I please have a romantic matchup for southpark? If you do multiple maybe Friday night funkin, but don’t feel pressured. My pronouns are They/Them and I’m pansexual with a preference to masculinity. My Myers Briggs type is INFJ and Enneagram type is 4. My star sign is Taurus, moon sign is Gemini. Im about 4’11..not to happy about it. I’m rather introverted, and can be considered not a people person. I’m into dressing in all black and taking a liking to gruesome and morbid things like slashers and murder documentaries. I also like to visit abandoned hospitals and houses just for fun, along with playing quite a few escape rooms. A friend of mine even likes to call me "discount vomitboyx". I’ve also been called "doomer boy kinnie", and "Remake of Daria" before. I’ve come to the conclusion I just scare people off. In reality, I’m intimidated by everyone around me and find it hard to start conversing, which may or may not come off as rude to people. When I finally become comfortable with someone I start to become really sarcastic and joke around with them with witty banter. Most of my humor comes off really insulting, but I’ll apologize and say it’s a joke if it becomes a problem. Lots of people don’t like me or stay away from me because of my rude behavior. I’m not good with overly sensitive or overly annoying people at all because of that, and I can’t stand kids. Idiocy can get on my nerves too sometimes. I’m a huge animal person though. I have my moments where I can get really feisty, or very quiet and closed off. I’ve been told I’m also a laidback person. I’m the type of person that has lots of opinions on things but I keep them to myself and bottle them up. If pushed far enough I’ll become unforgiving, and aggressive. Especially with the types mentioned above. I find the most comfort in just being in my room drawing, reading and or listening to music ( My Chemical Romance, Arch Enemy, MurderDolls, Slipknot, Get Scared, sometimes Will Wood, Jazmin Bean or Mother Mother, etc. ), or even occasionally gaming on my switch or reading and talk about Greek mythology. I’m a plushie maniac and when I fall asleep you can always see me cuddled up to one of them. I find it because I’m really touch starved. I’m guilty of being very submissive, and I suffer from asperger syndrome, insomnia, depression and anxiety. I have small tics, but they only flare when I’m stressed or mad. Along with stims where I bite the inside of my cheek, pull my hair, fidget with my fingers and tap my foot. I even hiss or squeal when I’m upset. I’ve also been developing a eating disorder. If you do get to this, thanks for your time. - coii

Sure one South Park matchup right up! sorry it took so long this was the first matchup i’ve ever done

SOUTH PARK :

i ship you with....

Craig Tucker! he isn’t all that much taller than you believe it or not

i feel Craig is an ambivert so he understands that you are an introvert and wont make you be social if you dont want to.

Craig doesn’t really care how you dress but he likes the color black.

You take a liking to morbid and gruesome things? Craig gets a little concerned but not alot (i headcanon he’s really chill) but he’s like 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘣𝘪𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴? 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵?

Craig will come with you to abandoned houses and hospitals but he doesn’t get why you like it so much.

When Craig finds out that you are intimidated by everyone he tries to make it so you only ever talk to a small group of like 1-3 maybe 4 sometimes. Craig doesn’t mind your

Craig tries to keep you away from people that are overly-sensitive or annoying since you don’t handle them well and he also can’t stand kids.

He can stand idiocy but since you cant he will try to tell them to f**k off.

Animal person? animal person. i headcanon that Craig also really likes animals but just hides it so you two probably have an animal or two around

When you become closed off Craig gives you your space and waits until you open up again

Craig is also laidback so yay laidback people

Craig doesnt like that you bottle up your opinions he thinks you should voice them and often tries to get you to

Craig usually doesn’t let get to the point where you become aggressive because he’s probably moved you too another place

if you’re drawing Craig will ask to see it when you’re done if you are okay with it.

Craig doesn’’t like reading that much but when you read he usually tries to keep it quiet around the house so that you can read in peace.

Craig lets you listen to your music on your own and usually finds his own thing to do sometimes he will listen to it with you if you want him to or its Get Scared

Craig definitely wants to play with you on your switch, if you dont want him too he’s okay with it though

Craig doesn’t know anything about Greek Mythology he knows like Zeus and that’s it

Craig doesn’t like plushies but won’t complain about them just tells you to keep them organized or something, finds it really cute when he sees you cuddled up to them tho

Like i showed earlier Craig wont make you be social if you dont want to with asperger

He will try to suggest different ways to help you fall asleep with insomnia (i usually watch satisfying videos to help with mine!)

He will get you therapist and will help you with your depression, no one wants their lover to have depression after all

Depending on how severe your anxiety can get if you are close to a panic attack he find you something to calm you or just makes you lay down if you can pass out from anxiety he will still make you lay down if it’s mild he just tries to get you to take your mind off things

Notices when your tics starts and tries to help

Biting the inside of your cheek is bad so Craig is always trying to get you to stop and also tries to stop you from pulling your hair out

He doesn’t mind your other stims and just lets it happen

Craig notices right away when you are developing an eating disorder and tries to help you, either it be eating too much or too little

I hope you like it! im not really good with these types of things

#south park #south park matchups #Craig Tucker x reader

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normal-thoughts-official · 3 years

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any headcanons about mental health / coping strategies for our fav warlocks and vampire? ;) we know quite a lot about magnus in canon but still, never enough lmao; and how about raphael, ragnor and cat? they all been thru a lot, poor babies, and im willing to bet you have thoughts on the matter *sly smirk*

well it depends on what they are coping WITH, u know daoidjsaodij different strategies for different problems and all that. i do think that magnus and raphael in particular have a lot of common coping mechanisms, because they taught each other a lot of shit. i also think there is a lot of stuff that had bothered magnus but he never stopped to think of a solution FOR until he started thinking of what he could do for raphael (and vice versa) because he is that kind of person

like when magnus and raphael are first shopping raphael notices that he likes vests and other stuff like that because of his hyposensitivity to pressure so it feels nice to have something that's like, tight around his torso, you know? so magnus is like great, let's get you lots of vests :)) and then he sees some he likes and tries them on and he's like wait a minute............. i DO like the pressure too....... have i been hyposensitive to pressure this whole time?? (spoiler alert: yes)

then for magnus of course we have drinking which is not his healthiest coping mechanism in any way lmao, but sometimes they do be unhealthy. again i don't think magnus is an alcoholic per se but he does have a suboptimal relationship with the way he turns to it to be able to cope with certain situations he can't escape. i presume this has a bit to do with the fact that he frequently is in stressful (not to mention sensory overloading) situations during parties and other events where you have lots of alcohol, so you know, drinking helps dull his senses and get rid of some of the anxiety. or if he's having a depressive episode, it can also make him more sociable, give him some energy, you know. so i think because it was something that was acceptable for him to use and that helped with many of his problems in social situations he can't escape, if became a coping mechanism (again, an unhealthy one)

healthier coping mechanisms tho! i think magnus also enjoys tea when he needs to calm down. we've seen him drinking tea quite a few times after having flashback episodes and i'm sure it's a coping mechanism to him. helps calm him down and also stay in the present because of the sensations, without overwhelming him because it's not a strong drink, you know? it eases him back into reality. it also can't hurt his insomnia, or, if it's already morning and he's had another insomnia episode, he can drink black tea and have some more energy. so all in all a good helper

magnus definitely stims magically! and uses magic a lot with a lot of his other problems like sensory issues for example. a place is too loud? he can use magic to dull the noises. same for colors, etc., although i think noise might be his biggest problem. and unwanted touch, which we all know magnus canonically hates, so of course there's that too. but also like, stuck in a talk with some boring clave member and he has to stay still even tho adhd mind all over the place? hands behind his back, playing with little sparkles between his fingers that no one can see. pretty much unnoticeable. i think some of his "party tricks" like lighting up the drinks blue and shit come with this purpose. it's just a quick magic letout. also helps a lot to deal with anger or panic, which commonly come very strongly when you have c-ptsd, but he's long learnt to deal with because his survival depends on keeping himself in check and not showing vulnerability a lot of the time

he also stims with his rings which we've seen a bit of. i think this is particularly important to him when it comes to keeping himself in the present, i.e. avoiding flashback episodes, intrusive thoughts and the like

i also think parties work as coping mechanisms in particular with the c-ptsd. sometimes the overstimulation of the ambience is exactly what he needs in order to keep himself from being taken by flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, depressive episodes, etc. like he can lose himself to sensation instead of being locked by his own thoughts, enjoy the company of other people even when he is too cagey or afraid to call his friends and be vulnerable with them, and have a letout for his heightened feelings of fear or insufficiency (caused by c-ptsd) through dancing in particular. it's pretty much canon that magnus uses dancing as a way to cope (see his scene with dot) so i don't see why a party isn't a good place to let out this kind of steam and self express without feeling too vulnerable at the same time

which is not to say that magnus doesn't genuinely enjoy parties, obviously he does. but coping mechanisms are frequently things that we do enjoy, so much so that they bring us comfort and strength when we need. it doesn't mean you only do these things because of your trauma. just that they can help with it

but there is ALSO his friends because look, we all know magnus isn't exactly winning prizes for his ability to ask for help, but the way he talked to alec about suicidal ideation and talking to someone if things get that bad obviously comes from experience, because when things get this bad there is really nothing else that works. and magnus has a lot of trouble with it - probably can only ever really ask for help when things get As Bad As They Possibly Could - but he does know he has a place with his friends when he needs. sometimes he doesn't even really open his mouth - just shows up at ragnor's, or, less commonly, catarina's (because she's busy with her job as a nurse and shit while ragnor does nothing but sit on his ass and be british all day), and ragnor takes a look at him and nods and magics another seat for him and magnus flops down. and ragnor waits to see if magnus is feeling like saying anything but if he's not, they just keep each other company as they do their things and ragnor serves him some tea. and it's nice and it works

as for raphael! definitely stimming all the time as well, and we know he self harms, which i think technically counts as a coping mechanism? coping mechanisms aren't inherently healthy or good djdndi so we have that for sure

and then just like, i think playing with his hands is something he does a lot in particular, like magnus, just keeping his hands behind his back and playing with them, or in his pockets and stuff. i think he "dissociates" a bit sometimes too. like sometimes full on dissociates but other times i think he just goes blank on the outside and inside is like, thinking about rosa or about food or his hyperfixations (astronomy? astronomy) so he doesn't have to be present and deal with whatever's happening. particularly useful with camille, because there are some things he has to do that he just wouldn't stand otherwise

and again canonically magnus, we have seen that. when rapha was tortured he didn't go to his clan, he went straight to magnus'. like yeah, magnus could heal him, but also, rapha stayed. he was still there chilling by the time simon came around. so he definitely goes to magnus when things get rough, and again whether it's to talk or just be with someone it helps a lot. i think raphael is pretty touchy with the people he trusts (book stans go away, yes i know book raphael is too edgy for feelings but i don't care and i'm not talking about him) and canonically so is magnus. and magnus' loft is one of the places he still feels safe to do that, it's his dad's place after all and definitely his home while camille is clan leader/in the first few months or years of him being clan leader

so like they can just cuddle or hug or be under a blanket together or rapha can rest his head on magnus' shoulder, or magnus can rest his on top of rapha's, and it's great. and he can talk about how he feels or be in silence, too

i also think dancing and listening to music are things he does to cope, possibly something he picked up from magnus. like sometimes he doesn't know how to let out steam and putting on a song and aggressively dancing is the only way he can channel feelings he doesnt know what to do with very well otherwise

also i think specifically with his grief over his family and other things he's lost, i think buying things and making little homages works. like making a scrapbook of his pictures with rosa, or the fucking whole ass CAR he literally doesn't need with the "ave rosa" plaque. i feel like raphael rarely buys things for himself unless they remind him of rosa, sunlight, guadalajara, etc., because it just helps with this constant grief he carries for them that he never really addresss lmao im fine

i think his charity work also plays that role. like yes raphael cares about others, of course he does, but he's also a whole ass catholic so i think "good deeds" like charity make him feel like he's just... doing something to ease his own monstrosity. feel more human, less guilty, less grieving. and also get some of the things he misses (like food) and some contact with people outside of the shadow world and also with other latines in general that he misses, you know? it's a relatively safe and familiar space that also helps ease his guilt for abandoning his family and becoming a monster a little bit, and just feel useful and occupied since he has so much time in his hands now and most of it is occupied obeying someone he hates. man, he needs so much therapy

but also like in the future as u know i think that he turns the dumort completely around, starts having plants and animals in the place, just makes it more upbeat and feel more like a family to all the vampires and improve their relations and it does him SO much good. both as a project and just as a ways of providing himself a better, more supportive environment, because the whole sterile thing they have going on fucking sucks. they deserve a lively and nice environment where they feel like a they have a home and i think it does wonders for EVERYONE'S mental health, particularly rapha's. and then of course cooking/taki's, and his partners join his support network too :)

as for cat, i think she throws herself into work to forget about her problems, feel useful, and just, cope. nurses work long hours and she seems to work particularly hard and i think this serves her the purpose of keeping her mind occupied from her issues. i also think it helps her feel more grounded/connected with the world, aka deal with the immortality angst. which sounds kinda paradoxal cuz she's probably watching ppl die with some kind of frequency, but like... she's also keeping in touch with new ppl, with discoveries in the medical field, she always has something to work on. it helps her feel like she is still a meaningful part of the world, instead of lost in time. and to give herself purpose too

but it's also not always healthy like when you are overworking yourself as an avoidance mechanism.... thats gonna get to u eventually. and cat needs a break and care as much as everyone else. i think again magnus and ragnor serve important roles in that sense, just people she can go to. remember the way cat showed up at magnus' and magnus was immediately massaging her shoulders? we stan

so they definitely take care of her in that sense. she also seemed pretty comfortable at lorenzo's party despite it all, so i think she also enjoys parties from time to time, although not as loud and clubby as, say, pandemonium. but cocktail parties or just a party at someone's house where she gets to dance and unwind and gossip with her friends a little bit? nice. i think cat is very sociable and misses not having ppl around which is also partially why she likes being a nurse - you get to know ppl pretty well in that job - but she also obviously needs lighter environments and she does well with groups of ppl even if she isn't a party animal the same way magnus is

and generally i think she enjoys anything sensorially pleasant like... drawing herself a bath, candles, going to get a massage from an actual professional every once in a while... i bet her house is full of incenses and always has some music playing (can be soft or can be upbeat, depends on her mood) but just generally the more pleasant sensations the better. food too

ohhh i bet she gardens!! it's so great to put her mind to rest after such an exhausting work and again the connection you feel to plants is very real. it's also nice because many plants live for a very long time (unlike most pets) so she can have them around and form long lasting relationships with them, you know? also, gardening is always useful for a warlock

and hhh ok i think i don't have any thoughts for ragnor? we know very little about him and I'm not sure what to make of him mental health-wise. also im tired and this is long, so jdbdidn maybe ill add more stuff if i feel inspired

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ink-vax · 4 years

Note

BEN headcanons plssssss

Ya home boi has freakles

And a blue tint to his skin.

Ben has glasses (you can pry this off of my cold dead hands) and tends to wear them in his room or at night. Because let's face it. Being locked in your room at night hunched over either a game or a computer messing with people it can ruin your vision. (Not alot of the pastas know he even has glasses. Only a select few).

Ben is hella short. Like Link is 5'5 Ben is 5 foot.

He does play video games and such, but just ask Jeff, he also loves his fair bit of DnD and card games. But it tends to be video games mostly.

Childish and cold. Not really sarcastic but acts childish due to not really having a childhood.

Even though hes a ghost of sorts, he does eat to have more energy in his body.

He has a bad habit of eating a shit ton of junk food for like 2 days straight. Then goes maybe one or two weeks without touching a single thing to eat. It's a bad habit of his, hes tried to stop. But it anit working out. You can see when hes not eating due to how low he floats, or how tired his eyes look.

Childish as hell okay. Especially when messing with his victim, hell play into what hes found out about them. Making them think it's some hacker that got into their stuff. But uses that to drive them insane from paranoia. Sometimes if hes having so much fun, hell kill them with his own hands.

Yeah, he plays Video games but that's not all he does. Hes quite good at hacking and getting info on every single thing his victims have done to use it against them.

He gets really scary if you do make him mad. It's kinda hard to make him mad, but when you do. .....RIP buddy.

He has a replica of Majoras mask on his wall, he likes to wear it around Halloween, and a real replica of the master sword hung above his door.

He does have a fear of water. But hes okay being in water that goes below his knees and is okay with showers. But a full bath of water. Lakes, pools that goes deeper then his knees, he cannot function with it. (Fun fact, how some of the pastas found out how far him being okay with bodies of water whent. ..let's just say, the poor soul who tried to pull him to slightly deeper water had thick, deep scratch Mark's on their arms and chest from the poor boy kicking and panicking.

Other than his death..he has no recollection of anything of his past.

The dude is a meme lord.

He does have a slight hard time with his emotions, but you can 'kinda' tell when hes not in the mood.

He prefers cats, but doesnt mind Smile.

He can get along with Tim (not masky), if hes not acting all that childish, witch he can do if he needs to be taken seriously, after all he is the one who can hack into everything and leak personal info at will of any of the other pastas.

He mostly is lay back.

He does still wear his link outfit, but he switches it up with Zelda themed outfits or just the eboy style (cause let's face it. It fits)

His ears are pointed, and kinda flicker depending on his mood,

He can fight with a sword. (But prefers not to)

He has one of the messiest rooms. Not by having clothing or dishes everywhere. He just has video game cases out. Wires and cords (witch can and will stress Jeff out if hes in there for to long.)

Ben loves to listen to music, alternative style (like Emo bands. And TOP is considered an alternative music band, some of his favorites are MCR. P!ATD. and falling in reverse) and soundtracks for games are some of his favorites.

I ain't even getting into his mental health (I am). He suffers PTSD, anxiety and depression (with a bit of insomnia to sprinkle in) with a feeling of being lost to a void of such.

Because of this, he can go days without sleeping if his mental state is fucked up. But he knows how to get it stable easily. He actually has very good coping abilities.

The bitch can also take the cable of one of the remotes and use it to choke you out if hes fighting you physically.

(Even though he doesnt like getting his hands dirty. Unless you've pissed him off. Witch is hard to do)

Ben is envious of Jeff and Lius relationship, cause hes never had a sibling before. That he remembers. So he is kinda envious of them.

He has a thing where if your trying to be friends with him (and hes deemed you worthy) ..you have to kinda respond back to texts if he sends you them. Because he cant just trust any old person, and if they cant try and communicate with you then theres no point on trying to be your friend.

He does have a hard time talking about his emotions

Him and Jeff have a weird friendship, but it's a good one

(A small list of some recurring ideas I have for Ben. There weird I know.)

(..and a few were self progected onto him. But what can ya do.)

#my words #my headcannons #ben drowned creepypasta #ben drowned #ben #Ben drowned #Ben Drowned #creepypasta #creepypasta headcanon #long post

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alexkamiya2 · 3 years

Text

About my MC [I found some questions on Twitter and decided to answer them with my MC]

Name: Alex [Originally there name is *Inserts my irl name* and *More stuff about this and that* And yep!] ~Basically Alex is A nickname since others can’t actually say her name correctly sometimes~

Age: 27

Birthday: November 29th

Gender: Female

Sexuality: Straight ~She likes someone who is nice and cute (looks don’t matter) and funny maybe kinda awkward sometimes but can be sweet at times.

Race: She’s human ~Asian and a quarter German~

Before coming too the Devildorm. She was a detective and a supernatural detective. [Studying supernatural and seeing if there real or not mostly demons or any other creature]

Height: 5’10

Body type: She’s pretty skinny [Not like her older brother who looks like kinda a tall stick figure...]

Alex’s love interest is Mammon. She’s basically obsessed with him. She thinks he’s funny and cute, Kinda nice and kinda awkward just like her sort of but still she loves him a Whole Lot.

Alex was born with a hole in her heart. Two major surgeries when she was a baby and had to go back to the hospital at four and stayed there for a good solid 2 weeks. (True facts I was born with a hole in my heart ;-;) She’s fine now she just can’t push herself so much. Alex has Bi-polar and anxiety along with depression and PTSD. (A little bit of Anorexia and insomnia) Alex overcomes insomnia by just heating up milk and drinking it. She can’t really handle the others but if she really needs too she will talk to someone about it. (Surprisingly she’s getting a bit better slowly)

Alex’s voice is happy and positive (tries to be at least) Its kinda in the middle of high and low. (Normal lol)

Alex does have a tattoo on her right side of her side and it’s a rose tattoo. She wants too get a tattoo on her back but she can’t decide what tattoo to get in her back. She also has a tattle on her right shoulder and it’s a skull

Alex normally just wears T-shirts and shorts or comfy pants when she isn’t going out doing her job or some errands she’s running, If she is going out she wears her normal black jacket. Dark grayish shirt and black shorts with her boots.

Since Alex doesn’t like dresses she wears shirts with her rad uniform and doesn’t pull her sleeves down (she has her sleeves up)

Alex’s parents are divorced so she lives with her dad. Alex’s dad is also a detective he’s very skilled and taught Alex how to be strong and everything. Alex’s dad is very serious but he’s mostly kind, caring and very happy [My old man is basically a weirdo] Alex’s relationship is good! Her mom and her have kinda a awkward relationship. Alex’s older sister used to be best friends when they were younger but not anymore, they don’t talk a lot but they trust each other a lot. Alex’s older brother is the reason why she has PTSD. Her brother is toxic, she tries to stay away from her brother as much as possible because she doesn’t like being yelled at or called names. She’s afraid that maybe he’ll hit her like he did one time.

Alex doesn’t speak a lot of languages she speaks a little bit of Spanish/Mexican (idk I’m sorry don’t punch me ;-;) and a bit of Japanese (very little).

Alex and Lucifer HATE each other so much they want to kill each other at some point. Alex doesn’t like the way he treats his brothers especially. She is also kinda afraid of Lucifer because he reminds her of her older brother but she would never say it.

Mammon and Alex awkward just awkward because there both two awkward idiots that fell in love with each other but hide it (Alex is pretty good at hiding her feelings for someone more than a friend. Not mammon lol. Not unless Alex is just a clueless moron) but they get along oh just so much chaos

Alex and Levi get along so well! They both like anime and would talk about it so much. But Alex doesnt okay video games (she’s so bad...at them...)

Satan and Alex get along pretty well too they both hate Lucifer so much they pull pranks on him but they both like cats (Alex likes a lot of anmikals tbh) and books too!

Asmo and Alex They kinda and kinda not get along. Alex doesn’t like going to parties [unless she feels like it, it would be pretty rare for her to go too a party] and Alex doesn’t like dresses or makeup. Tho she likes cute things (will she admit it? Yes yes she would admit she likes cute things)

Beel and Alex get along pretty well as well. They both eat a lot and love food (mostly deserts and burgers) There both are too nice and innocent (Alex can be innocent sometimes)

Belphie and Alex yeah they get along they like sleeping so they sleep a lot so haha.

Alex gets along pretty well with diavolo and barbatos. She likes cooking so she would bake with barbatos and Luke and treat Luke as if he was her younger sibling or something. Alex and Simeon get along pretty well too they enjoy talking to each other since he would advise her on things too do and what not to do. Alex probably wouldn’t get along with Solomon because he’s a shady wizard that always wants to try out new spells and she’s a victim.

Alex’s hobbies are mostly drawing and learning the brother’s demon forms and powers. What can they do? How do they do it? (She takes notes)

Alex does have a pact with all the bros she mostly summons beel or mammon and Levi. She would summons them because she’s either cornered by some demons or trying to save other people’s lives from a demon who’s being a bad dog >:(

Alex’s favorite place in the Devildorm 👆🏻

What sin fits the most...Er that’s a hard one I think Gluttony and sloth mostly. Mostly gluttony because Alex is mostly always hungry (even if Anorexia isn’t kicking in)

Alex is weird and awkward at first but when she warms up too you she is either still quiet and calm or chaotic as heck. She tries to help others and be a positive person.

Alex has a Chinese dragon dog bracelet given by her dad and she holds onto it mostly. She also wears a star necklace given by Alexis when she met Alexis in her dream.

Alex - Best friends: Levi,Beel,Belphie,Satan,Diavolo,Luke,Simeon

A song that would fit Alex

youtube

What is in Alex’s bag let’s see textbooks,pencils and notebooks. Some snacks and maybe some handcuffs 😌

Alex has blackish brownish hair. Dark grayish shirt. Black jacket. Black shorts and boots (brown boots of course that are long) also her Chinese dog dragon bracket that her dad gave her on her right wrist. Also the star shaped necklace Alexis gave her in her dreams.

Alex’s greatest fear is being judged and hated by everyone and thinking they will betray her and leave her all alone (basically losing everyone she cares about) Also she is afraid of dying

When Alex figured out she was lilith’s descendant she was shocked and Confused.

Does Alex have a pet. Yes she has two dogs in the human world but I’m Devildorm she has mammon and the other demon brothers!

Alex’s grades in Devildorm. She is in the middle in Math Kinda good and kinda not good sometimes she gets A’s and doesn’t get A’s in math. Social studies and science Tho she has A’s. PE she has A’s (somehow...) Music she also has A’s. English language and arts F’s

Alex other friends are zack and Yuki (Yuki is a OC of one of my friends OC irl) (Zack is one of my OCS)

Alex’s favorite food: pasta,noodles,cheesecake,cookies,strawberries,friend shrimp and rice, rice and eggs, and many others

Alex’s Talent is fighting (I’m not actually good at fighting irl) and playing the violin

When Alex is feeling down she rely on Simeon,beel or Levi and Belphie too. Or satan and asmo

Alex’s room is a bit messy, some papers and files here and there on her desk and kinda on the floor. Drinks on her desk as well and in the garbage and snacks too. A computer on her desk with her textbooks and pencils. Notebooks too. She has a shelf for all her books and some plushies on her bed and a stuffed obey me brothers Zack made and gave her.

Alex is a heavy sleeper and sometimes laughs or talks in her sleep. She talks medicine before she goes too sleep (she doesn’t want too end up throwing up blood or feeling sick too her stomach like when she was younger)

Alex’s Devilgram Username: DetectiveCrazy

Alex does have a part time job while doing her “other” human job (detective) Her part-time job is Hell’s Kitchen (cook)

Alex’s friends and family members do know that she goes too the devildorm they do miss her and pretty worries about her.

When leaving the Devildorm because Alex will miss them too much (She literally cries she’s sensitive-) But she did return because of the shady wizard and she’s so happy she gets too see them all again heck she even hugs Lucifer and too everyone else’s surprise Lucifer hugs back.

Alex’s D.D.D is Black and her wallpaper is a chibi photo of mammon on her lock screen then her homsecreen is chibi mammon in the corner of her phone bottom left.

Alex likes praising all the brothers because she thinks it’s cute. She also likes being praised by them as well. (Mostly mammon) Alex doesn’t like criticism and would try to stand up for the person being criticized.

Alex’s goal is to figure out more about Alexis and Lilith. Also marrying mammon!!

Alex does play the violin and kinda play the piano. She is still trying to play the guitar.

Alex doesn’t think positive about herself At All. She thinks she’s ugly or not talented enough. She wants others too think of her as a good person and as a friend and not a enemy, Too not be nervous about telling there problems too her and too trust her.

When Alex was a child she was mostly bullied and had a lot of fake friends. But she mostly cared about her family and her dogs, also the future because she would probably meet good people eventually.

For living in the devildorm forever or staying in the human world forever is a hard decision for Alex

Alex did go to the celestial realm and she thought it was more than beautiful and amazing. She did wish she could meet Michael and talk to him about the brothers and how they were back then (maybe next time!)

The pact marks only appear on Alex’s skin when she is summoning one of the demon brothers. The pact marks only appear on her hand (depending on which demon brother it is) also when summoning one of the demon brothers the pact mark glows into there sin color (example: Pact color - Purple - Belphie)

Oof that’s all- that was a lot of typing but oddly my fingers don’t hurt because of typing that much

#obey me shall we date?#obey me mc #my mc #obey me Alex #text #*More about my MC*

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joplayingjaks · 5 years

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i am not very active on social media lately except for liking stuff because ive had a lot going on and everything just feels overwhelming but hello im still alive

(long life update for venting purposes ope)

ive been in such a funk, anxiety and depression kickin my butt a lot lately but i still have some good days now and then. still on a low dose for meds and trying cbd oil and not seeing much improvement. nightmares are happening a little less but thats honestly because i smoke a bit and stay up until i physically cant stay awake any longer and pass out from exhaustion, so i guess ive just traded nightmares for insomnia again, hense me writing this at 4 am lol. i got a referral from my dr to check out a local clinic for therapy and a family member donated a bit to me to be able to afford a few appointments, but i have felt so stuck and busy that i havent gone and checked it out yet.

physical pain has been weird. at this point idk how much of it has to do with mental stuff and how much is caused by a physical issue. joint pain every day in my shoulders, elbows, hips, knees. pinched nerve in my elbow causing my hand and fingers to go numb, my dr pretty much said to just take more pain killers and hope it stops being irritated. i bought compression sleeves and they help a little bit, but its too hot to wear them rn in summer, especially at work. i told my mom that since she can afford it, she should get some genetic testing done for things like lupus and arthritis to see if we can figure this thing out, because the same symptoms affect her, her sisters, and her mom. she doesnt seem like she’s going to do it any time soon.

i still work at the pizza place, but im looking for anything else that will pay a bit more and hopefully be a little less stressful. one of my coworkers is unbearable to work with and shes decided she doesnt want to work on any of the days we need people but she also is complaining about not having enough hours. and shes mad that i got her hours and am training people now and that people tip me because im not an asshole to everyone. so the last two weeks ive been working both her and my shifts because she decided not to show up because she wanted to go to the fair and crap for the 4th. i doubt she’ll be fired or disciplined because shes pregnant and the company doesnt want to look bad by firing a pregnant chick. sorry, she just is so mean it gets me worked up... anyways, ive applied at 3 bakeries, a candy shoppe, barnes & noble, edible arrangements, a doggie daycare, a grocery store, and a thrift store. and ive only gotten one response from one of the bakeries whom i have an interview with on wednesday. i just want to be able to do a little more than barely scrape by each month, and i absolutely do not want to put any sort of pressure on cody emotionally or financially or anything. also speaking of cody, he works at a delivery company now in the warehouse, but still picks up some hours at the pizza place on occasion. its really hard work but it pays well and he is striving to eventually become a driver for them, im proud of him.

i havent been doing much for music or art or anything unfortunately. i probably should, it would probably help with the stress i feel. but i just feel empty most of the time, like sleeping and working and doing the minimum takes up all of my energy. idk, i just need to try a little harder i think and i can get the help i need to crawl out of this.

ill get there. goodnight for now. i really hope everyone is well.

#jakaaron is a dork

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booklover613 · 6 years

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Knowing

I have a lot of friends who suffer from one mental illness or more and they are always talking about it to me in our group chats. And thats fine i dont mind that at all and i feel i can even relate to some of these feelings most of the time as well. However i havent been diagnosed with any of those conditions so people think i don't suffer from them. I want to say to my friends that i have anxiety and a bit of depression as well...but i don't think they would take too kindly to me saying that and think i was belittling their conditions without any proof from a doctor. I mean thats just what my brain tells me, i hope they wouldn't do that.

So i just keep quiet because i know for a fact after looking it up and seeing the sideeffects some of my medication can have, that i do have both of these conditons. Hell i even have insomnia and my own mum doesnt even believe me. Just thinks that I'm making excuses and should stop drinking energy drinks.

All im saying is that you don't always know, people may not be 'officially' diagnosed with the symptoms of mental conditions but that doesnt mean they aren't there.

I have no one to talk to about it because no one actually thinks that I'm depressed or have anxiety. But let me tell you something, from all the research I've done there's more signs and symptoms of these conditions that aren't the common type of symptoms. People don't see it and they never will.

But don't worry, to anyone that may ACTUALLY be reading this. I'm NOT suicidal nor do i self harm...i just get really REALLY low moods every few days so i just put a mask on or hide away from the world and no one is the wiser.

And i do talk to my friends about some things but not every single dark thought i have, especially not if they are having a bad day as well. To me they are more important than me to look after because they can and have been suicidal before. And because Im not suicidal i focus on them and let my dark thoughts stay with me.

Anywho i know that was a rant but chances are no ones really going to read this and even if they do...i know you don't care it's alright, we all have our own battles to fight. Also i am seeing a psych anyway and he thinks ive made progress but oh well. Ta ta.

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jadeune · 6 years

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5/10

I was challenged by @kangofu-cb to do the 5/10 thing! 5 OTP and 10 facts about me!

1) Duo and Trowa from Gundam Wing. -I used to only be obsessed with Heero/Duo and Trowa/Quatre BUT after reading Two out of Three by The Manwell over on AO3 I had to open my eyes to what that could be. Like, now it seems wrong in some ways. Trowas calm collected quiet to Duos impulsive wild make them a better match to me than the homicidal Heero and Impulsive Duo.

2) Sister Rosette and Chrno from Chrno Crusade. They are literal opposites and they complement each other so perfectly.

3) Lady Une and Treize from Gundam Wing. To me it is basically hinted at throughout the series that shes hardcore crushing on him to the point that him saying that she basically disappointed him caused her to have split personalities. it’s not a pretty relationship, but I feel it shows the lengths that a woman will go to change herself for a man, and still not be good enough in his eyes. It seems like an over-dramatization of what people actually do in RL.

4) Relena and Dorothy from Gundam Wing- These girls would make a power couple the likes that have never been seen! Relenas influence with Dorothy’s ability to manipulate would be hard to go up against. They would also make an amazing couple in that Dorothy tries to support Relena in her own way all the time, and Relena would have someone who would tell her when shes acting rash. They would also be great at debating each other which is so important.

5) Ed and Winry from Fullmetal Alchemist they complement each other so well and they have that whole growing up together thing, and she can fix his metal parts, and theyre just cute in the way they interact.

Still reading?

1) I’m not a very interesting person. I’m a server in a restaurant and a substitute teacher. I’m also a single parent and a veteran.

2) My little one is super awesome. Ridiculously high energy, he seriously drives me friggin nuts, and I;m so worn out by him most days. I wouldn't change the time I get with him. I have recently had him evaluated and medication suggested. I am so against it, however, he says that the other kids make fun of him because he cant sit to do a task, and that hes a loser who cant do anything right. I’m torn between my dislike of it, and seeing if it will help him so he’s not feeling that way.

3) I went to school for illustration and video design when I was in High School, I hadnt picked up a pencil with the intent to draw anything since about 2004/2005. I am working on some stuff and hope to have it up eventually. I want to get some editing software and clean up my work that I’ve already done. I need to get a better and larger notebook for my work because the 5x7 size that i’m using really isnt working.

4) I have severe co-morbid depression, anxiety, insomnia and PTSD. If you can figure out where one of these stops and the other begins, please let me know because they all end up rolling into one. These also dont help with the whole talking to real people or making relationships thing.

5) About a year and a half ago, I started having really really bad depression and I was looking for any way to deal with it. I had for some reason had someone say something that reminded me of a fic that I had read MANY years before, and I began searching it. That lead me to FFN which in turn lead me to AO3. I came across some amazing authors whos work just pulled me in and I needed more. They had works in progress and I kept thinking, ok, I can do this because I really want to know what will happen. Eventually it lead me to here because (I want to say @lifeaftermeteor mentioned it as being where LAM got posted first) and I enjoyed the updates. I also see MANY of those authors whos works I adore on here

6) I totally fangirl when any of those authors acknowledge me in any way. I really am only on here to interact with you, and get updates quicker.

7) I generally dont sleep well if at all during the night. Occasionally, I go through times of not being able to stay awake. one does not make up for the other.

8) My monkey and I just moved out of my parents house and into our own place. some of my furniture was damaged in the move back here, and my mattress ended up with mold. So I’ve been sleeping on the couch for almost 2 months and I’m tired of it, especially because someone climbs up on the couch during the night and theres not enough room because I’m fat. LOL

9) I have a very dark sense of humor. I enjoy reading dark things and I think that people who write dark things have actually seen the darkness and thats why they can understand it to be able to write it.

10)I really just want someone of my own to love, and be friends with. someone who I can talk to whenever and I dont feel like I’m imposing on their life. It would be even better if theyre someone who doesnt mind the way I look and can love me for me. Someone I can have grown up conversations with. Because everyone wants to be loved, and cared about.

IDK who has and hasnt been tagged, so if you wanna do it, go ahead!

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imthebrettofthegroup-blog · 7 years

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I just want to start off by saying that this is probably something you wont read and will probably scroll past. I want one person and his friends (all of cc) to read this and know how much they have helped me.

I have had a horrible week even though it only just started.

It technically started last monday but the worst of it arrived yesterday.

Last week I had a surgery on my ear (I had a hole in my ear drum causing hearing loss)

After the surgery I woke up wearing this ugly stupid red headband that I could tell would get annoying.

People thought it was normal, fashionable until I said its from surgery.

First few days were fine, my sleeping schedule on the other hand not so great.

I slept all day and stayed up all night until I went back to school.

I tried to fix that but it got worse until I was awake for two whole days with 0 hours of sleep. Then the next day, the next, the next, until it got to the fifth day.

I have had 6 hours of sleep over the past 5 days. I googled insomnia because a few people said that I might have that.

Insomnia can occur from several things, those of mine would be depression and anxiety.

I am technically not a senior because I dont have enough credits to qualify in the state of Texas.

Thats already stressful. Comes the first day of school my teacher who has been helping me with my learning disabilities told me I would have to work my ass off to get those credits in only a few short months.

Professional communications, we must present a poem about color. I thought of my poem abd I thought it was great!

Red is the first color of the rainbow

Orange is an orange

Yellow as yellow as the banana bus

Green, well those are peas

Blue mens group and blues clues too!

Beautiful indigo night skies

Violet, now where is she?

The more you know

That was my poem.

Then I got scared and almost didn't present it but I did and the look the teacher had on her face made it clear, she didnt like it.

Those cause my stress.

My depression oh boy,

Being bullied because of what I look like. People staring and pointing at me before the laugh while going down the hall to our next class. Thats all im seeing. Judgement.

Boys. Oh lord, I told my crush how I felt. I wrote it on the notebook app on my phone.

I sent it to my two close friends so they can see it before I send it (all of us girls do that)

They told me to send it but I was honestly scared and kept thinking "he doesn't like you who are you kidding. You know whats gonna happen. Stop. Trying." But I sent it and was shaking because I was so scared. I have never been so honest to a guy like that before, its scary!

Being the mofo sweet thing he is he said he thought it was cute and sweet.

Since I didn't have the guts to ask him how he felt about that, I asked my friend Faith to ask him.

He thought it was sweet and cute that I was so up front and honest about how I felt towards him (those werent the exact words, I understood what he meant anyways." But then the next like read "but I dont like anyone at the moment."

That was not the response I was wanting.

He two of my friends felt bad and told me not to worry but all I said is that it has happened to me many times before and Im used to it by now. Truth is Im not.

This guy I like really is the nicest guys I know. He is in the cooler group of people unlike me yet he still listens and read my insanly long paragraphs of me venting, only to respond with something that will make me feel better. All these other guys at our school pretend to be nice at first and then unmask their true self. "Fuqbois" I honestly thought he wad going to be like that but he is still here helping me out today. He makes me laugh in class by being a doofus *no joke, actually pauses typing session to open his snapchat- and actually bringing Shelby, Samar, Faith and us closer together. Yeah it annoys me when he sends me selfies and not say anything or start a conversation and even when I try he just doesnt talk (heckin turd) but I mean hey, he still helps me.

I will admit I felt worthless and unwanted but my two friends, immediately started to message me telling me its okay and trying to cheer me up. It didnt work.

I couldnt talk to him, I was too embarrassed. I talked to my new friend Matthew and he was telling me his story about how he was nothing to what he is now, a huge fuckin ladies man, guys ask him how he did it. He really tried just as much as the girls did but it didnt work.

I talked to my friend L (I know your name Latrice, just want to hurry sorry boo). She immediately knew something wad wrong and tried to help. I decided I just wanted some time alone so I asked "when I get back, can you send me a bunch of pictures of my man Brett?" And she said she would.

I didnt really get any alone time as all my friends kept texting me but I didnt want them to know and start to worry. I only talked to a few of my older girlfriends (going back since 7th grade) Bailey and my other friend Dani (queen) and my friend who was also by my friend Sakib (he introudced me to bre my bitch ass dork), Kate and Sakib were always there when I needed someone or something. Since my freshman year. They graduated as class of 2017 at Central, leaving me and a bunch of us behind. Kate helped me feel better but we didnt talk much. Bre was acting like a mom, I said I was so embarrassed and she said it wasnt embarrassing. How is that not embarrassing? "Because I said so" she made me feel better a bit more.

Bailey, she said I should respect that about him and I agreed. I said I hated couples besides her and her boyfriend Cody.

Her- I wish Cody had friends, I would set you up

Me- me too WAIT OMG "I wish Cody had friends" THE SHADE IS FEELING NICE OVER HERE!

Dani, my beautiful Queen oh my goodness! You already went through a horrible loss today and I wasnt there for you like I should have. I told her I always mess things up and ruin everything. -again gets on snapchat because Erick the cuck asked me a quetion and I answered and then he like died or something, gets distracted amd realizes that Jakob from cc opened my message and then gets on instagram to tell L and let her know Im still writing this, remembers Jakob, freaks out again, looks at notifcations and sees that my famdog Matt (super awesome one I talked about) changed his profile picture so I go check it out realized I was supposed to be typing this and comes back here to remember I need to go to the conversation I had with Dani earlier to put her quote- "its just people who need to learn to see whats so great and its right in front of them." That made me feel better.

I go back to instagram and ask for the pictures of Brett. They instantly make me smile. I dm her because I can connect with her on a certain level with certain things, I tell her I sent a note to Jakob and that I hope he reads it. I took a screenshot and sent to L who said it was so sweet. While typing that letter to Jakob, I had realized the reason Im still here and who I am now than who I was just two weeks ago and I began to cry. I had just realized that Brett has made me smile so much and made me laugh and giggle. He may not know it but he saved my life. Im in a group chat with L and Sam. The chat is called the Slaughter Club. We had met from a post Sam had put up saying she wants to make a gc with a bunch of cc fans and just have an awesome time. Im so glad I hit that comment button and asked to be in the group. Over a day after, we realized I was the oldest, Sam being the youngest and we kinda let her choose lol. Brett is the older one of the group, I was called the Brett of sc. Trevor being the youngest of cc, Sam being the Trevor of sc, L, she chose Aleks. So Aleks of sc she was. They would get great pictures of the guy of cc and I never saw good ones so I asked where, they brought me here. Since being in this group chat and being the adult in certain situations (also weird fact, whenever Im not there, shit happens like idek. Same with Brett with cc.) Brett has inspired me in so many ways and I know I will never have the chance to ever in any way tell him, this is how Im telling him how he saved me. Really, all I want is that the Cow Chop crew read this and know how much they mean to me. I have a feeling that I know they will never see this (especially Brett) but Im going to put this out there in the hopes he will. Thats what I want from this. I know its all stupid but the CC crew really have brought together an amazing group of friends who I love so much and want to thank for always being there. Thank you. -Caroline Hope Powell

#brett hundar #hundar #cow chop #modest cube #aleksandra zaryanova #alsojakob #please reblog #thank you #saved

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breathtakingly-disastrous · 7 years

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My Last Few Months Away from Tumblr TW: Rape Mention

Okay, so I know I have been extremely inactive on tumblr the last few months but a lot has been going on.

I finally left my ex Jose in November. His best friend of 5 years and his best friend’s girlfriend came to me and begged me to leave him for my own sake. I found out he had been cheating on me the whole time he was with me. He fucked over 30 women behind my back without protection (he refused to use protection with me and he was my first and I just wanted him to like me so I let him do what he wanted), including his ex. I found out that on Halloween (the last day I saw him in person, he left my apartment after sobbing in my arms for 3 hours and falling asleep next to me and fucked his ex that same night.

I kind of spiraled into drugs and alcohol and partying for most of November and December. I was facing 5 blunts a day and my days off from work were spent getting drunk and fucking random guys I met at bars (I’m still 20 until the end of this month). I didnt feel good about myself unless I was getting attention from guys or absolutely shitfaced or high as hell. Smoking weed has so many health benefits when youre mentally ill, but I had let myself become dependent on it. I was spending money I didnt have on it, buying almost $80 worth of weed a week that should have been going towards my rent.

During my relationship with Jose I was raped by two coworkers. One of which was a manager at my job. The other continued to try and mess with me at work, trying to catch me in the freezer or the backroom, he even stuck his hand down my pants at work one night when we were closing up together. I never reported the rapes. I didnt want to face what had happened to me. I did however tell my general manager about the coworker trying to stick his hand down my pants at work but instead of being fired he was just moved to morning shift. Then for some reason the general manager scheduled me for a morning shift and told him he wasnt allowed to come in that day because our schedules would overlap and his sister came to my job to beat my ass. She never touched me. I had told Jose about the rapes and he told me he was “glad I was experiencing other people”.

Then in late november (while i was in the middle of dealing with trying to numb myself with alcohol and partying) I got a call from my roommate to get her from my friend Moe’s house. She was drunk as fuck so I figured I would help her out. When I got there I found out my other roommate who doesnt drink was there so i relaxed and had a beer. figuring she would be able to help me get my other roommate to leave. We started playing truth or dare and I had started drinking way more than I should have. I let Moe and my roommates pressure me into flashing my chest as part of the game as well as making out with everyone in the room. We finally started to settle down because my roommate and Moe had taken xanax while they were drinking and it was starting to kick in. my sober roommate and I were laying next to moe cuddling and she goes out into the living room for a moment to see if my drunk roommate is okay on the couch and the second that door shut and I was alone in there with him, he jumped on me. my sober roommate even came back in the room and saw him on top of me and just walked back out. I laid there for an hour telling him no before I felt I finally had to cave in just to get him off of me. I wrote it off as a hook up because I didnt want to deal with the reality of everything plus he was my friend, right? he wouldnt do that, right?

I started drinking and smoking even more. I didnt want to feel. I was going out to bars and clubs every friday and saturday night with the goal of bringing somebody home. If I didnt bring anyone back I felt unwanted.

In late december I decided I wanted to stop upping my body count and since I didnt want to get emotionally invested with anyone, I settled with finding a friend with benefits.

That’s when I met Manuel on tinder. Manuel is actually a celebrity who had his 15 minutes of fame in 2015 when he was featured on a song by Trey Songz. We were smoking and hooking up from New Years Eve (the first time we had even met we had sex) up until January 20th. January 20th is forever stained in my mind because that was the night he violently raped me for over 8 hours. He left bruises on my arm from when he got mad at me for refusing to buy him cocaine from my third roommate (the other two roommates moved out around Jan. 1st) and he slammed me against a wall. And he left huge deep bite marks on my neck. He would tell me to talk dirty to him and every time I did he would bite me and tell me to shut the fuck up. He wouldnt let go of my hair and he made me do disgusting degrading things to him even though I told him no. I waited a week to go to the police because, again, I didnt want to face the reality of what had happened to me. I was going to press charges but the police made me change my mind. They interrogated me and made me question my own sanity. I know I said no. I cried no. He just didnt listen. But the police said I was lying.

Sometimes when I lay in bed at night I can physically feel hands on my body. That is the scariest thing I have ever felt.

I am currently in counseling to deal with everything I’ve been repressing and it’s taking a huge toll on me. I want to just shut my feelings off again and stay numb. But I know that’s not healthy. I’m just concerned that all of this is going to ruin my current relationship. I told my boyfriend before we got together about all of this and he still supports me. But I feel like i cant get emotionally attached to anyone anymore. He is such a great guy and I want things to work but i’m not happy. Im just not happy with life in general. Part of me wants to go back to drinking, smoking, partying, and anonymous sex but I know it’s not right. Ive been in counseling for almost two months now and I’m starting to feel again. But I dont like feeling anymore. I still smoke every once in a while because, like I said, it has health benefits. It helps me sleep (insomnia), I can think clearly and my mind isnt always racing (anxiety), Im not always down and unmotivated (depression), and the flashbacks arent as bad or vivid (PTSD). But I am almost a month sober now. I figure if i do it in moderation or just when necessary it will be beneficial, and it has been.

But yeah, that’s been my life over the last few months. I’ve been through hell and im working my way back. My counselor says Im a survivor but I still feel like im drowning, moreso now than before. But i guess this is part of the healing process?

#long post #personal #trigger warning #rape #drugs #alcohol #I dont want to feel anymore #but i know i have to #and im making the effort to get better

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broukuto · 7 years

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i wanna talk about trans girl oikawa

(putting under read more because this is a Lot. i’m using she/her pronouns for oikawa. and also warnings for like generalized angst, mentions and light descriptions of anxiety, depression, dysphoria. this is loosely inspired by my own trans experience)

so oikawa probably didn’t have the Word For It growing up and in adolescence but definitely knew that she was meant to be something different. she couldn’t quite figure out what or why.

volleyball proved to be a great distraction because all that mattered was that she was good, if not great. a great volleyball player, full stop. however she pushes herself too hard to be perfect at this, that she ends up hurting her knee during her second year.

in high school, despite being the most adored and chased after by girls of her peers, oikawa began developing more feminine traits; manners of speech, quirks, even things seen as “girly” like hair and skincare. which to oikawa, was extremely important - still, 17 and not quite found the Word for what she was feeling, knew that it was important for her to be able to control at least this aspect of their physical appearance.

it’s not that she ever really hated her body - it served a function, to play volleyball well. but she didn’t love it. it was very easy for her to dissociate and compartmentalize that aspect of herself as to sort of make up for the generalized unease and underlying dysphoria she was always feeling.

things didn’t really click until she got her first girlfriend, who was expecting a boyfriend from oikawa. it wasn’t that she wasnt attracted to her, but she always found herself being more jealous of her, than anything. she was the first girl oikawa really knew and could get to be around up close and often - and that’s when it all clicked. oikawa wanted to be her, or at least, just like her.

oikawa realized the feelings she always had, was because she wanted be a girl, deep down. and things felt right, as if a thousand questions had been answered. but still, it didn’t quite make the “apartness” oikawa felt from hajime and the team that she’d always felt. though they were always friends and oikawa did her best to be a great captain, she didn’t always feel like one of them.

she didn’t know how to relate to the “guy things” they’d talk about, though oikawa was still physically male. and now knowing that she was transgender, only furthered the divide.

hajime had been her best friend since infancy. they shared everything together since before they could remember. so it was an easy decision to want to tell him. one afternoon, hajime comes over and finds oikawa wearing lipstick. he laughs and tells her she looks dumb (of course he thinks this is just his Guy Friend messing around and doesn’t Know, please don’t hate him). Oikawa, testing the waters, teases and asks if hajime doesn’t think they would make a pretty girl. Hajime scrunches his face and says “Ew of couse not.” Something in Oikawa breaks, she goes to the bathroom to scrub off the lipstick, and they never talk about it again. Hajime doesn’t know, or else he wouldn’t have made fun - that’s what she tells herself, but it doesn’t make it easier to want to now.

the years pass. they graduate high school, they go to different colleges. oikawa passes the time with classes and volleyball. the easiest and time-tested distraction from The Gender Problem. however in her senior year, she decides to retire early. the knee problem from high school is flaring up again and if she’d like to live a life without irreparable damage, she’s advised to stop.

it hurts because volleyball has given her years of joy since middle school. and now only does she have to figure out who she is outside of this Amazing player, now she can’t ignore The Gender Problem. it’s one thing to flirt and be ~feminine and pay the part of everyone’s gay best friend - but that’s not who she is. she doesn’t want to be the flamboyant gay friend.

depression and anxiety began to settle in as a result of the gender dysphoria. and guilt. how could she do this to her parents? her family? her friends? they all had expectations for oikawa that did not include this. could it be easier to just accept being Male for the family? was one person’s happiness more important than her own? there was always a clear cut and defined vision of who oikawa was, as presented to the outside world, that greately overshadowed who oikawa wanted to be. how could she just flip the script like that and make people learn a whole new person? was it worth it?

these are questions that oikawa obsessed over

oikawa and hajime grew apart during their last year of college. hajime still played volleyball and oikawa effectively fell off the social map. they emailed sometimes and texted occasionally, but it wasn’t close to how it was. hajime begins to get worried about his best friend. the person that used to text him 17 times in a row within two hours barely responds to his texts after 2 days.

it’s a little after their university graduation that hajime is able to go visit oikawa because he can sense that something isn’t right. when they talk on the phone, oikawa sounds resigned, tired, and really just sad. though she insists that nothing is wrong. and when hajime presses, she gets mad - rather than deflective as usual - and ends the conversation. hajime has known oikawa for too long not to know that something serious is going on.

when they see each other again, it’s been almost a year since they’ve last been in person together. oikawa is thinner, bags under the eyes from insomnia, hair longer. hajime simply asks what’s wrong, and it’s enough for oikawa to break and have a full blown anxiety attack that scares hajime to death. when he’s calmed her down enough, oikawa sleeps for almost a full day. hajime stays the whole time.

they’re laying in bed, like when they used to have sleepovers in middle school. when oikawa wakes up, hajime is there. he doesn’t ask again what’s wrong. oikawa says, “iwa-chan, i’m a girl...i’m not....i don’t feel...i’m supposed to be a girl.”

hajime is in shock, but tries not to let it show. he simply rests a hand on oikawa’s neck, a sign of comfort. “Shitty-kawa, why didn’t you tell me?”

oikawa tells him about the day with the lipstick. hajime barely remembers, but oikawa can remember every detail - down to how many clouds were in the sky, what food her mother left on the stove, and how many seconds it took to scrub the lipstick off. 87.

she tells him that she knew he didn’t really mean anything bad by it, and that if he knew, he wouldn’t, or at least hoped, that he wouldn’t have made a joke like that. but oikawa had spent the years being around boys. she’d heard all the jokes, all the “locker room talk”. and it scared her to death. she couldn’t live with the idea of her favorite person thinking of her as a joke, or worse something bad or depraved, and not wanting to be friends anymore. so she kept it a secret, for him, for their team, for their families.

what oikawa doesnt expect from hajime then, is to cry. at first she thinks he’s crying out of anger or disappointment, as she’d always feared. but then hajime pulls her into his chest and apologizes. “i’m so sorry you had to deal with this on your own for so long. i’m so sorry you thought i’d hate you.”

hajime then says he thought oikawa was just really really gay and was fine with that too, but admits that this does make more sense. he remembers all the times oikawa would scoff at hajime, or the other team members doing something Manly and Stupid like “ugh, Men.”

after that it becomes easier. hajime and oikawa become roommates in a new city. over the first few months, oikawa begins using a new name, dressing as a girl more and more - starting with around the house, little trips to the store, and gradually more and more until she’s permanently comfortable being a girl in public for the world to see. her hair has grown long, and hajime absolutely eats his words when he stupidly said that she would make an ugly girl. oikawa smugly declares that no one can be as perfect as she - a gorgeous specimen in all genders.

oikawa doesn’t begin hormone therapy until after she comes out to her family. she doesn’t want to feel like she’s keeping secrets any longer. it’s hard for her family, at first, as expected. not exactly opposed or against, just shocked is all. her father says that he just began to accept her as an effiminate gay man, but her impressive sports career made up for it. He and oikawa’s mother are from a different generation and these things are still new and they don’t quite understand, but oikawa is still their child.

shock is what oikawa expected. disownment is what he assumed - though his family says they could never. the fact of it is, oikawa still lives in a culture where being transgender is still a work in progress. but his family, parents, his sister, and nephew, all agree to try and get to know the new oikawa, and its the best she can hope for for now.

at 25, it’s hard to know when oikawa and hajime begin dating, but it seems they always had been. not just recently, but since they were kids. they’ve always loved each other, only now it means something more. one thing oikawa was always afraid of, when even thinking about pursuing her feelings with hajime, was that hajime would still view her body as male. but they work at that too, trust, relearning, time, all of it. it all works out in the end.

(also i was thinking high key abt oikawa becoming a model but wasn’t sure how to fit this in the au, alas

the end

#oikawa tooru #haikyuu!!#i feel like i dont Like a lot of trans headcanons and fic written by cis people #so i wanted to detail a Relateable Experience #because sometimes being trans is a journey that takes YEARS #and isnt so easy as to have all the resources to begin transition immediately at 15 and everything is great #theres a lot left out like dysphoria and depression and guilt that a lot of trans people who arent out face #especially when they dont realize WHY they've always felt this way until they're like an Adult u know #anyways

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life-is-a-sad-trip · 6 years

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Mom, u need to stop this.

u need to stop making us do everthing, i dont want to sound ungrateful or anything but seriously though, we arent your slaves. we have things to do and we need to study, just because we are back from school in the afernoons doesnt mean that we are free to move the same damn table just because u like it somewhere else.

u have to let us be are selves. Our moods change, one day i may be happy and the next i may be sad and tired. U need to understand that not everything has to go your way because u are the mother.

stop compering yourself to us. we dont care if when u were our age u helped out more at home and that. did everything toplease your mother because we arent like that. it seems that when u had kids u automaticly thought we would be like u, well no, we arent cinderella or Mother Theresa of Calcuta. Just because bro had some sweets it is absolutly normla for him not to automatcly think “oh well im going to prepare some for mom and dad so they can enjoy them later” NO for the love of god, NO.

Another thhing is our grades, u never seem to be pleased. u say u dont need us to have 100 but when we only score 76...”If u had worked harder u would have gotten an 100″”I never see u studying” GOD MOM not everything is perfect,

Just because im tired ad i dont want to walk the dog, doesn’t mean in heartless and that is something u do NOT say to a 13 year old. Just because i dont think about the other all day everytday doesn’t mean im an egoist and how in the world does it occur to u to tell me, a 15 year old, that im going to end up divorced and lonely because i dont want to help u set some lamps because i have to sttudy. wtf mom. specially when u thought of divorcing dad over the summer.

we have problems and yet u never ask. if bro comes into the house frowning the first thing u say is that u will not permit frowns in the house and that he needs to cheer up. damn it mom, u could at least ask him what’s going on and actually care because yes, we know u care but u focus too much on the details and in the past.

oh and u seriously need to get over blaming dad about our children/mother fights. because at practically evry single dinner, we begin to fight, u bro and i, and at some point u always say either “this is your fault, because u never back me up” “this is your fault for unauthorising me” or the best one “ are u seriously ggoing to stand there watching how i get insulted (which is not true) mistreated (which is also not true) and i dont know what else?” MOM, we dont always have to agree not u and me not u and bro and not u and dad. we can all have differnt opinions and u need to respect that, this isnt some type of dictatorship where we all have to say, do, think and act ilike u. The worst part of our fights r always the end because u start crying saying that we dont love u(which is false) and we say that isnt true and suddently u just start to hit us because we are contradicting u again, like that time where u almost broke your hand. sometimes I wish u could see how much it hurts, not because you’re strong but becaus e the woman who is supposed to love u no matter what is hitting me right now fro saying that i love her and that she isn’t right. It also sometimes ends with u sleeping in a guest bedroom because u dont even want to sleep in the same floor as the rest of us. U know, this might sound extreme but sometimes I wish u were strong enough to leave bruises or that u somehow managed to push me down the stairs so that u could see what u’re doing. Did u know that every time someone screams or get really touchy with me or fake hits me ( like they’re about to hit me as a joke but dont) I flinch because it reminds me of u?

Another thing that kills me is that anything i say about my health is a joke to u. mom, u laughed when i told u that I have one leg longer then the other and u didnt beleive and said u wouldnt take me to the doctor, what happend next, my hip hurt like hell because i couldnt walk correctly because of my legs. a fucking physics teacher told u that i could be like a gifted child and u literally laughed, well guess what, my IQ is of 115-120 which is PhD level at only 15 i dont think u realise that albert einstein’s was 140, only 20 ‘points’ ahead. And u kn, if been feeling downm very down lately, and I've taken a lot of online test (I know it sound pathetic and that they will be wrong) from psychology webs and guess what, I have anxiety and bipolar depression and a little depression and insomnia and a little eating disorder and I also have the symptoms of bipolar II. it isn't a joke but guess what, I can't tell u any of this cause u will laugh and say “you’re exaggerating u dont need a psychologist, what u need is to stop thinking about yourself”.Oh, and u need to stop saying that me and bro are driving u into a depression, because it just makes us feel bad about our selves.

Remember that time, when u asked me if bro smoked cigarettes and I sad no? well guess what, he does and so do i. u want to kn why? because u cause us such stress and anxiety that we need to let it out somehow and it may be bad for us but in a way it helps us.

I wish u understood all of this, but unfortunately I know u don’t.

#mom #this has to stop

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