#anyway im now extremely sad and anxious

[soldier-poet-king]

MADE MYSELF SAD BY ACCIDENT WEEKEND RUINED ALREADY

#the duality of fran #yes i called in to work. i genuine stressed myself out so much i gave myself insane stomach issues #ah well #so played bg3 all day. grinding thru the last bits of act3 in my durge run #so i can get the epilogues before im separated from my gaming pc for the holidays #I CANT SEE THE EPILOGUES RN. BC. MT FUCKIN TAV FILES. ARE GONE #had some computer and steam cloud issues and anyway. my first playthru saves are gonsies so i gotta finish this run #TO GET THE EPILOGUES #anyway i did all of wyll and karlachs act 3 stuff and i think that made me extra sad #plus not eating properly bc stomach badness #and also just. probably shouls not have done nearly 10 hrs of video games straight #but alas #anyway im now extremely sad and anxious #about simultaneously everything and nothing #tattoos? my health? my family bullshit? the ultimate fate of the universe? every single problem in the world rn? #the fact that I'll never look like im supposed to? and part of me was using tattoos as a bandaid solution to fix that #and it did. not work #im not unhappy w them just not how i imagined it. but nothing ever is #and also winter. yknow. that awful time #more family drama lately. i rlly should clean my room. or de clutter my desk at least #IDK. IM JUST. SAD #and being sad is ok when i feel like i habe a purpose/duty to fulfill #but now i just kinda feel like. well im wasting air and space and resources and im not serving any function #self as a tool. yknow. i know thats bad. but. idk. idk

[jamboreeartsupplies]

clown doll listings are unexpectedly abundant on mercari lmao

also i kept getting an offer for one (with the same like, maker/brand as acorn anne and fruitloop freddie) and each time it got lower and this time i just HAD to omg i HAD TO!!!!!!!!

they have no hair !!!! they have a JESTERS HAT and they are YELLOW AND PURPLE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i love clowns i am having a time. i love collecting things and these ones are like. gotta collect em all!! ahsnghdhtjd they are so CUTE ok!!!!

im so excited

#reminding myself that 'distraction' is not unhealthy coping mechanism as long as im acknowledging my feelings #i learned that recently so im trying not to feel bad or guilty #im throwing myself into clowns and furbies bc life is shit and im extremely sad and anxious about it #its personal family shit but yeah #well and then of course being chronically ill on top of it doesnt help #im still kind of figuring out this whole food allergies thing... its not fun #but im trying to make the most of it!! im trying #anyway #IM GETTING ANOTHER CLOWN AJFJSHRHSFH #personal #clown posting #not furbies #text #ok but now im mourning the orange and black clown i saw on there that i rlly want but its larger #and idk #we MIGHT be moving soon but idk for sure... dont want to hope on it #so it feels really stupid to get too many more things that i'll have to move with me haha #at least these ones are smol #very easy to carry and will prob just stay as passengers with me in the car :) #i feel so stupid for packing anne into storage #i thought she would be safer there 😭😭😭 i miss her 💔💔

[thestarfishinjootsoffice]

Hello! I was wonder if you could do Slasher headcannons with a S/O who struggles with Anxiety? If not that's alright!

Now I don't have an anxiety disorder so im doing research and I'm not sure it's you're talking about an anxiety disorder or just dealing with getting anxious but I'll make it the first one.

I tried to make this more serious but I failed

Slashers with reader who struggles with anxiety!

Michael

He may notice you seem extremely stressed about things, whether small or big and he doesn't understand it I mean if you're away from him then yeah he gets pretty nervous but about somethings like dates and schedules to the point it messes up in your daily life? Why?

But tries to comfort you. If he sees you fatigued then he'll usher you into bed, if you can't sleep then he'll just lay down next to you until you do which I'm unsure how long it'll take but he's quite the patient man, if he's in his younger days that is.

If you start crying because of it or get a panic attack and come to him he'll sit and let you cry on him and may have a hand on your hand, head or back while at it. He wants you to get help despite his strong dislike for you being away from him he sucks it up. But at the same time he also doesn't, because look like happened when he was with Loomis, he was supposed to help him and look how he turned out.

But he'll suck it up. If he notices if your mental health is getting worse when you are "getting treated" He'll just find and kill whoever is in charge of you.

Sinclair brothers

Bo has a hard shell yes but inside his heart is bouncing all over the place of worry. He may have had his fair share of panic attacks and it's horrible. He hopes there's something he can do to help. He listens to whatever problem you may be having and comforts you with what things you may like. He also tries not to lose his temper or yell around or at you. Which may be hard since he's angry 90% of the time but anything to help your anxiety reduce at least just a bit. He has magical hands that can and will remove anything that stresses you out and magical hands that will make you forget what stresses you out... He'll cuddle the shit out of you behind closed doors with many affections and kisses. Or just warm and gentle holding. You choose he'll do it. 🫶

Vincent is probably the most understanding, his worries and anxiety attacks when he imagines someone seeing him without his mask or when he can't find it. He doesn't know what much he can do since he's very awkward and and can't speak and is just '🧍' but he can listen and hold you however you'd like. If you want to touch and play with his hair then please do so, if you want to do a little a wax sculpting you're more than allowed. You're both doing wax sculptures to take your little mind off things, but if you start worrying if it's going to look good or not then he just "✋". If it's work then he'll bring you drinks and food of your choice and signals you to take a break. If your boss keeps pushing you to the point you break down then uh... Hey why did your boss go missing suddenly?

Lester the most carefree and happy though seen what it does to his brothers and hates it that it also happens to you. Very very sad. He takes you out on walks and Or driving around. Literally just holds you if he notices you being too nervous. And just the most sweetest soft kisses and affirmations that everything will be alright and you don't have to worry about anything because he'll be helping you through it all. Just soft cuddling as your pour your feelings out to him. He doesn't want you to feel alone and he won't make you feel alone. Snacks and drinks and heavy blankets and anything else that might help you for the time being. If there's someone or something that stresses you out too much they're either gone or oh look it looks like there's a hand popping out of the pile of roadkill! Anyways let's play with jonesy.

Bonus: jonesy! She just knows when you're feeling anxious before you do. plays with you, lets you pet her, kisses you. Just lays around you. Loves going on calming road trips with Lester so you're going too if you want to that is. If you're worried about your looks or something she'll just bite or bark at whoever gives you the looks or talks bad about you. She'll never let you feel bad she's your best friend 🫰🫵

Hannibal

He noticed this when you were first appointed, it's okay nothing special so did many of his previous patience but your case is really severe and you don't seem to get better. That's alright. There isn't always immediate changes it takes time. But no matter how much he gives time Or uses his techniques you don't seem to get better. This bothers him. And eventually he finds himself attached to you, like really attached and not just your disorder but for who you are. So now he is no longer Dr lecter. He's your best friend (boyfriend?) hannibal. Isn't that illegal? No because he's no longer your therapist and you're not longer his patient. How does that make sense? Don't ask anymore further questions.

He can read you like a book and he'll bring all your necessities you need when you start feeling really tense. During the attacks he'll rub your back while he holds a glass of cold water to your mouth while telling you it's okay. It also stresses him tf out. If you start becoming distant or get irritated more than usual he prepare something nice for you like food or a very pleasant warm bath and he assures you that he'll be there to help you. He'll make a healthy schedule for you and make you start looking after yourself, though he wonders if you're gonna leave him if you start finally getting better.

There may come a time where you are in a corner and uncontrollably crying and hannibal is just across the room staring at you as he calls will and says "Will, Will they won't stop crying what do I do." He knows what to do but is too afraid to do anything.

Billy and stu

It's really chaotic.

You may be on the ground and stu is just screaming and aggressively searching on his phone on what to do while Billy is shakily holding a glass of water and just says

"I heard water helps... You want water...?"

You're practically going to be sandwiched between them when it's cuddling time. And god forbid anyone makes you anxious and cry because they're gonna be on the news report later.

At least one of them is always going to be on your side incase anything distraughts you and there's gonna be no one there to help you ease down. Stu will be there to make jokes to help you feel lighter and Billy is just uh Billy. You three will maybe watch a movie or two and go on fun or relaxing outings. No person or something will make their s/o feel anything negative.

#nbc hannibal #hannibal #slasher x reader #slasher x you #hannibal x reader #nbc hannibal x reader #x you #hannibal lecter #hannibal x you #x you fluff #og michael myers #michael myers my beloved #michael myers x reader #michael myers x you #michael myers #bo sinclair #lester sinclair x reader #vincent sinclair x reader #bo sinclair x reader #billy x y/n #billy loomis x you #billy loomis x y/n #stu macher #stu matcher x reader #stu my beloved #sinclair brothers

[mochiwrites]

ive just finished catching up on night life and wow! oh gosh!! theres so much to process and so many questions!!! what happened with the last human mumbo was close to? whos the murderer? what exactly is scar being hired to do? whats scars past? wtf is up with scott? did scar set up that illusion with the house fire in the most recent chapter or scott? both?? why????

even if scar does all this to protect tub, wheres the guarantee that scott doesnt just pop in and take him anyways? i doubt theres so much as a drop of honor in that creepy, creepy man. what if scar gets found out and mumbo and grian are betrayed so they stop talking, then scott gets taken by tubs so scar's left alone, and goes to mumbo and grian for help which they ultimately give because how could they deny a friend in need?? WHAT ABOUT PEARL???

oh my gosh PEARL!! im so concerned for her. im so scared for her. if something happens to her ill kill everyone in the fic and then myself /ref

also taurtis?? id assumed he'd died, then grian had some self thinking about taurtis might be dead and now im convinced hes gonna come back somehow?? but how? or am i overthinking this and he IS dead? god poor dude

GRIAN. LORDY LORD how on earth so much guilt can fit in such a tiny man baffles me. at the same time something about him being human and objectively weaker in all this really resonates with me. his desire to be useful and of equal standing. ouch. doesnt hit any weak spots for me there no not at all.

im also very unhealthily in love with this version of mumbo. id die for him a million times over.

the worldbuilding is incredible!! it's a lot but i feel like its being incorporated in a way that isnt overwhelming so we're able to follow along with everything pretty well! plus, the fact that a lot of it is from grian's (very confused) perspective makes him work really well as a sort of source of information for readers! its great!!

i am just. overall very. wow. looking forward to future updates. very much looking forward to that. keep up the incredible work!!

ehehe henlo!! :D

many questions to be had !!! I want to answer all of them SO bad oh man. but I am being so brave and not spoiling *vigorous nodding* some of these answers Are coming soon though!!

scar’s motivations, in a broad and general sense, are really intriguing to consider in this au. he’s someone who’s never been human operating on fae morals while mingling with humans. so there’s this really interesting clash of ideals and goals going on. but if he’s not careful, the fallout could be… messy. extremely messy.

:)

PEARL AND TAURTIS OUGH… taurtis was put on a VERY interesting character path, and let me tell you it was. A major struggle trying to figure out how much of his story to put in the limelight. because taurtis is technically living in a different town while going through stuff and the path that leads him to the arachne is all going on in the background fbfbfbfg but 👀 in regards to his status… who knows! and PEARL… I cradle her So gently in my hands, I care her so much. I am so sorry

and ACK I’ve talked about grian and his humanity and the connection it has to everyone and the story drives me MADE. because realistically speaking, he Is the weakest. he Is the most vulnerable. the most fragile. it would Not take much to kill him. yet that doesn’t stop him from wanting to help. from wanting to be useful. there’s so much drive and perseverance and just… hope. he has so much hope and stubbornness and he is so painfully human. it reminds the non human characters of what they lost. of what they want to protect (mumbo).

and objectively, it’s because of grian’s humanity that he’s able to see the humanity in those around him (mumbo and scar).

songbird!mumbo is SO beloved. little sad and anxious vampire guy… I’m so sorry

but uwahhh thank you !!! the world building is something that I have a lot of fun with in this au. because it’s a fantasy au there’s So much world at my fingertips, which is why it’s so important to find the balance when introducing concepts and stuff. I try not to overwhelm with information <3

and using grian as the reader’s in to the supernatural world is Very purposeful :D when you begin the series, you and grian have the same amount of knowledge. you’re entering the supernatural world together, and learning the same information. so the readers are Literally seeing the world through grian’s eyes.

it’s a very helpful writers tool for world building >:D

and !!!!! 🥹💕 I’m glad you enjoyed it so far !! chapter 5 is already outlined and planned hehe. I’m very excited about this next chapter, and I’m hoping the wait won’t be too long!!

( also, since you mentioned the solar eclipse playlist, this au has a playlist as well! :D in case you’re interested uwu )

#mochi speaks #songbird asks

[the1trueanon]

thinking about how Sage/Rosemary's plant motif and gardening connection started out as an aesthetic choice, but have actually grown into being very strong symbolism for how Rosemary is meant to represent life and being lively and being alive versus simply living

because Rosemary is meant to encompass the idea of being human and being alive. while Sage is like everyone else and is very much simply living, her general character being muted and soothing and just existing, Rosemary is designed almost as an exact foil for Wally. where Wally is unsure of expression and emotion and doesn't quite grasp it all, Rosemary is extremely emotive and lively, almost to an overly animated degree. BUT! Rosemary isn't just animated, like the other puppets are. she isn't just bouncy or excitable, or gets frustrated at simple problems. she has crises. she goes through human struggles, as a soul who once was human. she knows what death is, but is grasping to understand her own. she's unpredictable. she's happy and enjoying time with her friends one day, and unable to leave her house from the crushing weight of everything she's experienced the next. she puzzles through existentialism. she doesn't just feel happy or sad or upset, she gets depressed and anxious and lost. Wally can't predict her, he can't tell how she'll react (which I 100% think he can for the others. he's too observant not to, observation is his whole thing), he doesn't understand but he wants to.

and what makes all that even better is she doesn't just go through these things alone, she talks them through with the others. she shares it, she lets her emotions and experiences and overall livelihood overflow into the others. she's so full of life that she passes it on to characters who, frankly (hehe :3), shouldn't have been touched by it previously. and yet by sharing it, she doesn't hurt them more, but instead ends up helping all of them understand and reason through the -- honest to the puppet gods horrifying -- breakdown of a world that once was simple and happy and innocent and safe. they mature with her, and she somewhat unwittingly acts as their guide through that (WHICH. ANOTHER FOIL MOMENT. BECAUSE WALLY IS ROSIE'S GUIDE THROUGH THEIR WORLD AND THE TWO'S ABILITIES TO REACH OUT BEYOND IT).

and I've always loved having that idea brought up, about Rosemary being so lively. "You're so full of life" -- practically the most accurate way to describe Rosemary at any state of being (and, ironically, spoken by Wally, who again, I unwittingly ended up making Rosemary a sort of foil for). She is meant to symbolize life, she and Sage are meant to be this sort of "living vs. alive" thing, where neither is bad but its obvious how different they are! and I just! the idea of Sage, a character essentially set to be a sort of vessel for this human who brings this idea of truly being alive to these guys who desperately need it in a time where just living isn't enough to brave whatever horrors are coming for them now, also bringing things to life as her job and aesthetic is just!! augh, it's such nice symbolism and even a nice lil taste of foreshadowing maybe?? and I love it so much!!

and like! genuinely this all kicked of subconsciously and I didn't start connecting it until I thought about trying to maybe change Sage/Rosemary's motif (which, tbh, I started thinking about because I've designed her Reboot AU version (who I'll be sharing soon ;3 wanna get a good collection of doodles to share with you guys before doing so), who instead has a fashion aesthetic instead of plants. I'm not sure why yet other than I like it and I've been influenced by the dress making videos I keep seeing lol)! and I realized that I genuinely can't because it's not just aesthetic anymore! it's ✨symbolism✨!!

ANYWAYS I REALLY FUCKINNG LOVE THIS PROJECT AND I LOVE CLOWN AND THEIR BIG BRAIN AND I LOVE MY LIL RABBIT AND I LOVE EXISTENTIALISM AND I LOVE SYMBOLISM AND CHARACTER DESIGN AND IM SORRY FOR RAMBLING ABOUT IT FOR A REALLY LONG TIME OKAY BYEEE 💖

#SORRY WH FANS YOURE GETTING BURDENED WITH MY BRAIN'S INSANITY I CANT HOLD IT IN ANYMORE #i wanna share more about my characters #and i wanna get better at sharing #now that im realizing how much i just LOVE character design and breakdown #i wanna share more with you all so you can see why i love it so much 👉👈 #SAGE AND ROSEMARY LITERALLY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME #seriously these guys are how i explore so much and so many ideas and i wanna share that with all of you 💖💖 #because it really is just so interesting and exciting!! #anon speaks #anon rambles #anon's ocs #welcome home #welcome home puppet show #welcome home arg #welcome home oc #sage clearsky #rosemary louis #welcome home sage #welcome home rosemary #wally #wh wally #wally darling #welcome home wally #welcome home wally darling #characterization #exploring characters #symbolism #✨symbolism✨ #character foils #anon rambles in the tags

[kikyan]

Hiya, hope you're having a lovely day^^

Haven't done one of these before, so I hope I don't mess up (And that my request is still valid in-terms of the event end date).

I'd like to request a yan. mash up for TWST & ObeyMe!

I'm 18, my pronouns are they/them, I'm a Cancer and INTJ. I'm a pretty anxious person. Having social anxiety, agoraphobia, being a homebody and just being an overall introvert, I tend to keep to myself and avoid going outside much. Im an over-thinker and a night owl. When I'm around people that I don't feel comfortable with, I'm very much a quiet, shy, jumpy, awkward, paranoid, tired lookin' loner. But when I get comfortable and l'm with close friends or family, I'm quite the opposite. I'm bold, sarcastic, and have a witty sense of humor, I’m a cocky little shit that likes to tease the hell outta people (obv because that's how I show love ^ ^) | can also be reckless at times given the right environment. But aside from that I’m a pretty chill person. I love to learn and indulge in other people’s interests. At times I can be extremely overconfident and daring yet insecure and cautious^^ im also really loyal to everyone I care about, I value community and trust, caring and supportive, the list goes on. As for some of my (debatably) negative traits, I can be quite blunt and straight forward (I don’t like sugar coating ), defensive if I’m proven wrong, I can occasionally be indifferent, passive aggressive, reclusive and aloof if I get pissed/sad (even if it’s for something small). I’ve been told i have rbf •_•). I like cleanliness and neatness, but I can also be somewhat messy when I procrastinate cleaning. Hobbies: I love drawing, I have a crap ton of sketchbooks that are filled with drawings front to back, and some that have never seen a pencil before ^^; (I have my fair share of twst and obey me fan art =w=). Reading, reading, and ReaDing! I’m a book worm^^ i mostly read horror, thrillers, and mystery novels. Also, I’m incredibly obsessed with gothic literature and poetry (I’m a bit of a writer myself). I live for horror! Movies, books, shows, etc. I specifically like psychological, cosmic, and gothic horror. Music wise, I listen to rock, metal, alternative, indie rock, post-punk, and new wave. Though I’ve recently been more into 80’s post-punk (as of right now my fav band is Caifanes, definitely recommend them). Style: I don’t usually care much for the way that I look, i prefer comfort over style most of the time. I usually ware black, anime t-shirts, baggy jeans, leather jackets or oversized hoodies, and my go-to converse or docs. I dunno what else to include, so I guess I’ll talk about what kind of person I like. I like it when people can be honest and voice their feelings, concerns, wants and needs. I definitely appreciate a proper and mature way of communicating. My receiving and giving love language is quality time and physical affection, so having someone who loves to receive and give both is an immediate green flag in my book. I personally like clingier personalities to a healthy degree, I swear ^^; I definitely love people who are openly lovey and romantic, I find it adorable, especially cause I’d do the same right back. A person who loves to try new things, and who loves spicy food (cuz being a picky eater,,, that’s a deal breaker). I like someone who shares my same hobbies and is just as ambitious as me. And if not, that they at least support and encourage me to do what I like. Personality wise, I like a person who is soft and caring, romantic, honest, noble, creative, humble, cautious, a night owl (so that me can both stay up late into the night) someone more mentally stable then me (that or just as mentally unstable as me =^=) and lastly someone who would also indulge in my hobbies with me. I hope I added enough of the right things for this request and that it’s not confusing >x< it’s long I know. Anyways, thank you so much for your work, I love everything you write, hope to see more of it. Take care love ^,^)/♡

I have no words to explain why this took months. I don't know, but better late than never. . .right? You probably heard this before and it won't come as a surprise but I match you with Idia (TWST) and Levi (OM!)! 

When it comes to what I gathered from your personality, you probably relate to them more instead of simping but I see you with them! Side note, I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND OMG YOU SOUND SO COOL?? I ALSO WANT TO SEE THE ART PLS! PLS LET'S BE FRIENDS! 

Moving forward...I see how they would both love you. You love their hobbies but understand them like nobody else. With Idia, his love for you starts when you start to open up about your hobbies. He probably starts to think about you but not in the best way at first. When he notices you like the same things but he probably wouldn't see them as a reason to get closer. He may find it as an excuse to not approach you because he's not sure if you're a casual fan or a fan-fan. Would you be disgusted with him? Find him as one of those cringe fans who bring the fandom down. Are you a casual enjoyer who wouldn't understand his passion? Though he would love to share his passion, would you look down upon him like everyone else? I'm not quite sure if I included this in my headcanons, but Idia is an observer. Which I think makes him open up to you because he can see the real you. I want to say that if we follow the story of the game, you probably don't meet Idia until after you established some friends with Ace and Deuce. He probably has some image of you already established, no doubt you're very social. When you mentioned how you were someone very shy and quiet when first meeting someone, you probably do it to be nice or at the very least, respectful. He probably sees that side of you at first and doesn't think much of it. He probably thinks that his likes and dislikes would scare you away until he overhears maybe Deuce or Ace talk, "You like that? I never would have expected you to like that, [Reader]?" That's when he gains a little boost, you like the same thing he does. Not to mention you're a shy thing, so no harm in at least trying. I think once he finally does talk to you, he can see all the unique things about you as well as how similar you both are. Idia is the same, spoilers for the phantom bride card but he hated the whole ordeal. In his vignette, the rest of the students hyped him up so much that he kinda got overconfident making everyone regret saying anything. He didn't do it to be a bitch, but rather he said it because he was comfortable around the others. Who wouldn't? So he would return that sarcastic humor. He would probably love teasing the hell out of you. Stay up all night gaming with you, exchanging messages left and right, etc. I can already imagine the list of recommendations that both of you exchange. He would love seeing your art and hype you up, maybe even propose writing a story together. Of course, this is yandere so what is yandere without the horror aspect? Idia wouldn't exactly show you off but he would be so content with calling you, his. His friend, his S/O, his partner, his gaming buddy, etc. He's not like Leona who would strut into the room with his arm around your shoulder, but he would love it when you say, "Oh yeah, sorry I can't tonight. I'm hanging out with MY partner tonight." Of course, don't tell the others it's him because right now he can't handle that feeling! He would love spending quality time, he's not at all picky with what is being done as long as it's with you. Watching anime together? Done deal. He's gaming and you're working on something else across from him? God imagine he looking up to see you so focused, he just smiles lightly at the idea of you spending time with him and then you look up and see him. His face is BEAT RED, stuttering and looking back at his PC while his headphones have his online friends yelling at him to pay attention and to assist them. He's clingy to a not-so-healthy degree and will often set up scenarios to gain pity so you have to cancel and hang with him. I want to say that while his heart cannot handle the affection IRL he would love the idea of holding your hand and cuddling against you. Imagine he's pouting because he maybe received the worst news, but you're there to comfort him? His world is perfect if your attention and affection remain on just him and him only. 

Okiedoki, now Levi. They're the same but so different.  As I started to play Obey me again and literally from the beginning, I love their family dynamic. Though they all love each other, they're not afraid to tell each other their faults either. I think with Levi it's no surprise that he sees himself as inferior to his siblings. I mean Mammon is scummy but he's a model. Asmo has a vlog and is well-loved even if it gets to his head. Satan is hella studious and has a temper, Belphie is just there and Beel; he has a good heart but his stomach knows no bounds. No need to point out Lucifer, he's polished and pristine, with no flaws that he can vocalize without being strung upside down.

I mean why would you want to be with him? Like Idia, when he finds out you like the same content he does he's probably on the skeptical side as well. I mean, really? Do you like that? When he finally does talk to you about it, he wants to prioritize your time. "[Reader], did you want to-? Oh sorry, you probably already have plans huh?" It's no doubt he assumes you rather want to do anything else other than be with him. When you take him up on his offer, he's so overcome with joy. A blush on his face as he excitedly takes your hand rushing to his room to do the equivalent of setting up the table but rather dinner, setting up an anime marathon. He is smitten with you, another one with a not-so-healthy clingier personality. Another one who just wants to spend time with you, it doesn't have to be anything specific either. I think as time goes on he can become confident too, sometimes even challenging you, He becomes sarcastic, occasionally laughing at memes and sending them to you with a simple "reminded me of you". I think the biggest thing is that Levi could be 100% honest with you. At first, he may not want to voice his feelings, but when you reassure him, he just lets it all out. Though Levi may not love horror himself, he loves your style and appreciates your passion as well. He thinks you're so cool and to be able to stand next to you, gosh you have ways of getting to him. He would proudly march his ass to a movie theater to watch the scariest film as long as he can hold your hand during the entire movie. Let's talk about yanderes, he's the same with Idia where he would 100% say something that forces you to drop what you're doing to spend time with him. Another is, I like to think Levi has been on some sketchy websites, spreading rumors about people who approach you. When those rumors as well as "proof" start circling, you should stay away from them. I stand by the idea that the brother would help one another to keep their S/O trapped. Levi may ask of Asmo's services when digging up gossip and possibly Belphie's to stalk the victim in their sleep and torture them from the inside. While all this happens, Levi will continue to play the role of the perfect boyfriend. 

I hope you enjoyed your matchup!! Thank you for your continuous support, have a wonderful day!

#kikyan #yandere matchup #yandere twisted wonderland #yandere twisted wonderland x reader #yandere idia shroud x reader #yandere levithan x reader

[thelovelybitten]

vera talks mlb: the movie — thoughts and drabbles

I cant even breathe rn, I watched the movie 4 hours ago and here’s my (now) settled thoughts about it.

picture of how I felt in that moment:

warning: spoilers for the MLB movie :DDD

so I have been a fan of this show since it came out, god I was FUCKING 16 then and now I’m 24 jfc…. it’s so wild how much time has passed.

now, the main show was SO good until season 4. I stopped watching the show all together because of how messy the plot was, Gabriel being the biggest pos known to man & how stalkerish they made Marinette (not to mention totally delulu and borderline insane (though, with all due respect, its a lot for a 15? 16 year old ???) but they could have written it better imo.)

not only Marinette but Adrien still being a small minor role (it’s always ladybug doing the damn thing but chat noir is left doing nothing it’s fucking sad he deserves so much better) and him just being shit on the last 3 seasons. he deserves more screentime and character development.

I also couldn’t handle adrien being a senti-monster, but we ain’t gonna talk abt that.

so I left the fandom all together.

but this movie. this. god. damn. movie.

this is HOW THE SHOW SHOULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN THE FIRST PLACE. the character development with Marinette and Adrien is AMAZING and feels more realistic to me— they really drive on how unlucky Marinette is and how lucky adrien is (to an extent for adrien, but I digress). and the whole library scene made me giggle it was so cute. Marinette being infatuated but not a stalker was nice to see.

movie ladybug & chat noir sparked my feelings for the fandom all together. how cocky chat noir is, ladybug being anxious to fail but finding solace with chat made my heart all warm. every scene they had together I was kicking my feet and screaming like a child. (they own me, lol)

I have to specifically mention THE FUCKING FIGHT SCENE WHERE CHAT NOIR HAS LADYBUG PINNED TO THE WALL BC WHEN IT HAPPENED I HAD TO PAUSE, LEARN HOW TO BREATHE AGAIN, COLLECT MY THOUGHTS AND CONTINUE. THE PURE TENSION IN THAT MOMENT. “I really should go home now.” “don’t” DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME ?!?!?! GOD IM STILL SCREAMING ABT IT 😭😭😭 they had electric hearts babe DONT EVEN LIE

their chemistry in the film just. made me feel things. they have an amazing dynamic and it was utilized. i wish it was more prevalent in the show series—the banter was everything.

I definitely was caught off guard when cristina wasn’t singing, but I got used to it

master fu was also super good too !! I defo prefer him in the show but movie fu slayed

chloe being chloe but not overdoing it made me :)))).

even alya and nino were written exceptionally.

tikki was written well, loved her, but plagg made me give him the side eye… where is his annoying ass. he can make fart jokes but please keep his sly demeanour.

gabriel was extremely well written, might just be the best character that was re-vamped imo. his storyline made sense and it wasn’t completely heartless…. using the miraculous and him slowly getting weaker and weaker made so much sense. (the musical number tho, SO FUNNY)—but god, when he found out chat noir was adrien he stopped. stopped everything. he loves his son so much, just as much as he loves emilie. we’ll see where the potential next movie goes with him, but lord his character is what I wish show gabriel was like.

the end scene at the ball made my jaw DROP. marinette looked amazing in her dress oh my god— and then the almost kiss I was MAD but also happy bc after that it opened the door for a sequel so ILL TAKE IT.

also when marinette takes off adrien’s mask and puts it on was so fucking cute 😭 the atmosphere was all warm and wholesome.

also giving props to chloe because her gold dress ate down.

sabine gave me helen parr vibes and i don’t know why.

tom being the overprotective dad 😭

anyways, i probably missed some things

but this movie, in my opinion, ate the show for breakfast and became the meal i’ve wanted for several years. MOVIE IS 1000x better than the show series and i stand by that statement forever.

if you haven’t seen it, watch it immediately.

#otp: behind the masks #ml spoilers #miraculous ladybug #ladybug and chat noir #miraculous awakening #ladybug and cat noir the movie #ladybug #tales of ladybug and cat noir #chat noir #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #hate it all u want but the character development/plotlines outsold the show and gave them so much more depth #:D #viv speaks

[khodorkovskaya]

After I split with my ex, it took me a while to get my head around it, like justifying to myself that I wasnt in the wrong etc andthat the way he was treating me was wrong and I shouldn't feel guilty about breaking it off etc.... I ended up trying to do like a 3rd point of view perspective thing... so like, I would explain everything that happened and how I felt and then try to see it from another point of view so like this other point of view would go. . "So you didnt reply to his message within an hour because you were literally in a college class which he knew beforehand, and he took the huff and wouldnt speak to you for over day as punishment?? You shouldn't not feel bad about ending it" obvs I had more extreme examples too lol but I dony wanna delve into them much it's like baggage ahaha

But afterwards, like when i was over him and had no feelings towards him etc, i thought i was fine and then discovered i wasnt... so like i could meet someone and really like them and find them attractive etc, and their personality and vibe really well and when I started to fancy this guy I was like omg yes thisnis nice and he acc seems a lot nicer than my ex woop woop. But then as soon I started to think about being in an actual romantic relationship with him I couldnt, I felt physically sick and anxious??? I literally couldn't face the idea of a relationship being like my previous one and I realised that while I was over him, I had some other issues as a result of the relationship I had to deal with instead.

I did get over it though

I've actually forgotten the point I was making with this message now so I do apologise for that sorry

But I thought he hadnt cared too, like he would delete every single pic of us literally within an hour of us breaking up.... he blocked me, and things he didnt block me on, he would post stuff like "good riddance" and stuff that basically made out he didnt care and it was all me etc and that I meant nothing to him....... he would add all these girls and shared their photos with hearts etc....

Anyway like a few months later he literally tried to get in touch saying he was sorry and he missed me and thought about me everyday etc and couldnt get over me

I ignored him though and that was that

I guess this is just a bit of a sharing story, I hope it helps in some way????? Sorry if it doesnt though.......

yeah, the looking at what happened from an outsider's perspective is a really good method. makes things a lot clearer and easier to see. and yeah thanks for sharing your story, it makes me feel less alone <3

but yeah, im definitely scared of falling in love again. but i really hope that the next time it happens, im gonna be more mature and sensible and things will be clearer for me. i mean obviously that's gonna be the case cos i fell in love with B when i was 17 and even now things would be different. but the thought of being in a relationship any time soon makes me very anxious. i think my next serious relationship is gonna be in like 5 years from now. for now the vibe is celibacy all the way!

i wonder how i would feel if B reached out to me again. bc i know it's very stupid of me, but it makes me sad that he didn't try to get me back, you know? like he didn't fight for me. he tried a little bit and maybe i have high expectations, but it didn't feel like it was enough. a deep dark side of me wishes he suffered more. and don't get me wrong, he did suffer. i left him without a warning and i still feel terribly guilty about that. the night i left he stood outside my parents' balcony and shouted my name and thinking about that makes my skin crawl. i feel awful. but at the same time something about that was so satisfying bc it felt like he had finally acknowledged me and my feelings.

but idk. maybe im spiteful and vengeful. and sadistic. but i fantasise about him begging me on his knees to take him back and crying and sleeping by my front door and following me around like a puppy dog asking for forgiveness. the last time we saw each other and had sex i strangled him, wishing i could actually choke him to death. i wanted to see despair in his eyes and absolute submission to me. like finally, after all the suffering i had endured, finally i could have full control over him and make him mine. you know?

but he never fought for me. and from a sensible perspective, that's good. he accepted my rejection and left me alone. and that kind of things requires great discipline, so good for him i guess. im thankful for that. but from like a twisted toxic perspective, i wish he'd message me saying that he misses me.

[remcycl333]

hey rem! ☹️ anon here! im doing great, ive actually been taking time off tumblr and just flipping negative thoughts and thinking as if i have my desires and adding self concept into there too. im sorry about all the drama and impersonating that’s going on! i hope you’re ok! i found a really good youtuber named @/electrasoul , watch her vids and tell me what you think because i really like her. now onto my question, sammy dropped a new video and i have a few questions / opinions https://youtu.be/VmCwGwgDzIA , i personally think she’s sorta wrong and sorta right. affirming 24/7 doesn’t imply lack and it isn’t going to cause your subconscious to reject it, but affirming 24/7 because you think you don’t have it is what i disagree with. finding a manifestation routine that works for you LIKE THE ONE YOU GAVE ME WHICH I LOVE is basically all you need tbh. i would only advocate for repetition if you’re repeating negative thoughts and you’re combatting it with your affirmations but even at that, you don’t need to repeat the exact same affirmations either and you can just distract yourself from thinking negatively. it’s taken me a bit of time to realize that manifesting is only hard when you try to manifest like everyone else and not figure out how to make it fun. for someone who usually thinks and repeats the same thoughts, ofc repeating affirmations is gonna be fun for them. but just having a general idea on what to affirm on and going awol is my thing personally and you helped me see that. i know feelings don’t manifest, but ive been feeling a lot less anxious about deadlines and manifesting and ive been persisting A LOT better even when i feel extremely sad and want to walllow in self-pity. anyways this is just an update. ive noticed ive been manifesting a lot faster. like someone saying something i was thinking of or me finding something i lost by just ranting about how i found it in my head. im just trying to flip more opposing thoughts and work on my self concept concerning manifestations i care about more. this is just a little update 😭

omg ☹️ anon!!!! im so happy to read this! your growth just in the last week has been so beautiful to see 🥺

i love electrasoul! sometimes i just play her videos in the background of whatever im doing and let her hype me up.

i watched sammy's new video and i definitely agree with a lot of her points. for instance the part where she says that your subconscious mind doesnt have an opinion and isn't gonna decide that you are affirming out of lack lmaoo. that had me giggling lowkey

i will say however that affirming on a loop isn't for everyone. i've mentioned before that i went through a period of time where i was obsessively affirming all day every day on a loop bc i thought that that was the only way for me to manifest something. and i was barely seeing results or progress bc personally for me that method just didn't work out. it got to a point where i wouldn't let myself listen to music anym cuz then i would get distracted and couldn't affirm. i was seriously affirming 24/7. and it wasn't until i adapted the routine that i gave you that i started seeing progress bc i let go of that obsession and need for control that i had built up within myself. im not saying that everyone will start feeling obsessively towards affirming bc obviously this is a method that works for a ton of people, but personally for me i needed to find something else.

but thats why i say a lot that manifestation can be a lot of trial and error. i tried affirming on a loop and it did NOT work for me but that doesnt mean it wont work for anyone else!!

i definitely agree with what you said about not needing to repeat affirmations over and over unless you're having negative thoughts u need to combat. i've manifested so many things so quickly by just delclaring i have it once and completely forgetting about it (on accident lol) until it shows up a day or two later.

also the thing you said about someone saying something you were thinking of! that's what happens when you work on your self concept i've noticed. u begin manifesting things so quickly without putting in any effort at all. this has happened to me so many times where i just think of something once (sometimes without even the intention of manifesting it) and my 3d instantly reflects it back to me. self concept is just rlly that bitch ugh

anywayz seeing your progress really makes me happy and brightened my day :) im rooting for u!!! <3

#☹️ anon

[seriouslysam8]

it makes me so sad that you dont like legerdemain anymore! i am literally obsessed with it! it just makes my whole soul all warm and fuzzy seeing how in love harry and ginny are at their age. they are just so adorable and perfect and every time it’s a pov from harry or ginny i just get so excited and it makes my day. the other povs are all very well done as well. i usually dont like other povs in stories but i dont mind a ton in legerdemain because i love seeing how harry and ginnys little babies all turned out and how they are like their parents. albus especially is my favorite pov out of them all. hes so much like harry and it cracks me the fuck up. anyway im sorry you are not excited to write it because im definitely excited to read it every single week. harry and ginnys interactions, whether they are talking things out or joking around and teasing or snogging or practicing their incredible hobby, it is all just perfect. im also really invested in harrys medical issues and have low key been waiting for his heart attack. am i a terrible person? you somehow manage to make me smile gasp cry and laugh all in a single chapter each week. i am always left extremely stressed but also satisfied but also needing more and i don’t understand. you are an amazing author and if legerdemain was a published book i would have already ordered 7 copies off of amazon. one for each room in my house. i love it and i love you and your writing. please do not give up on it. legerdemain is my comfort story right now and i love it so much that i cant properly put it into words -cherry

Thank you so much for your kind words! You are far too kind!

Of course, you're not a terrible person for low-key waiting for our beloved little cabbage to have a heart attack. Because if you're terrible, what does it say about me anxious to write it? 😂

[061801]

im a mess omg

Okay firstly I was anxious to write this post because I'm like where do I even start? Then I looked at this blog and damn I'm a mess here too. I swear I have like blog OCD. I want 1 billion blogs for each aesthetic or colour and emotion its ridiculous. ANYWAY...

Today I want to work on myself. I feel like everyday I get distracted from what I should really be doing. I feel lucky though because there's an energy pulling me towards what I am supposed to be doing... I think. It's making me feel uncomfortable in positions I don't need to be in anymore. Drinking and partying used to be my personality. Like I started to look back and ask myself if I would even hangout with any of the friends I have if it weren't for our mutual addictions? Most of them, no. That doesn't make them bad people but they're just not the people I really wanna be around without alcohol.

So now I'm starting to ask myself... who am I without alcohol? Who do I want to surround myself around? What do I like doing? I think about my interests and hobbies when I was a kid. Gymnastics, playing piano, and photography and videography. I used to like drawing and painting and making clay sculptures. I like singing and dancing too. I actually had a crazy amount of hobbies. I feel like I had so many I never got really good at one. I used to be pretty good at art but I don't know what it is, when I try now I can't think of what to draw or paint to save the life of me. It really sucks. Gymnastics is still really intriguing to me but REALLY hard, and extremely dangerous and also really expensive. So when I can convince myself to get out of bed, I try my best to paint or do photography. I like doing portrait photography but I only have one friend who I hangout with and it gets boring shooting the same person. I've shot a couple of my friends but they don't end up liking the photos so they don't let me post 95% of them and right now the pictures I take are specifically to draw attention to my work so I can start charging. So if I'm not making any money or have any content to post, there's really no point. Yes I have fun doing it for the hell of it but I would like to do something with my photos. Maybe I should take photos of products or cars soon.

On the topic of being distracted though, I never have much money because I only work part time. Therefore any money I decide to spend I feel so guilty about it because I really don't have it, its just... I really want SOMETHING to make me happy. Whether it's alcohol, weed, clothes, food or talking to guys tbh. I've gotten used to giving in to whatever I want as long as I have the capability to do it. So I feel like in brief moments where I can't get myself what I want right away, I feel sad or bored. I want to actually work towards something I want in life but I just can't figure out what it is. I want to go back to school but I'm having a really hard time with what I want to actually pursue. I wanted to do hairstyling really badly but they only have fast track and I'm confused why they don't have a regular one. I'm not really in a position to be able to move to go to a regular course either so if they don't have it I'm going to have to pick something else. I really want to work on my G2 which I have to hangout with my mom in order to do, but i'm always stoned or when I go hangout with her I get drunk. (it is my fault that I give in, she doesn't make me do anything I don't want to. I just know its there and I get tempted very easily which I need to work on and have gotten better at.) But I just texted her asking when we should practice next because I just want to get that going. I applied to a few jobs. I feel at least a little better than before. I should call shoppers to get a refill on my prescription which I will... then I gotta text my manager and ask her when I work next and if I can pick up my cheque some time. Okay. I'm getting really distracted and ADHD and I can't focus on this anymore lol. Now all I'm thinking about is what I want to do all day to distract myself from how bored I am. First of all shower, and shave. I could do my hair, my makeup, my nails. Clean my house, take out the garbage and recycling, put dresser in my room for now, practice piano, workout, yoga. Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

[satans-arse-crack]

Hey my lovely tumblr blog thing, how ya doing 😏

It has been ages since I’ve like said anything on here like a solid couple of months I think. I just wanted to come here and vent for a little cause there’s a lot of shit going on and I don’t know how to feel about it. I know that nobody is ever going gonna read this but it’s kinda just my way of getting shit out yk. If anyone happens to come across this and actually read it then good for your ig 😭 (none of this is gonna make sense which is my it is a random ramble) anyways onto the rambling 😗✌🏻

-Here’s some music to listen to ❤️-

These past couple of months have been overwhelming to say the least. My PlayStation account keeps getting banned for no reason. I had I strange clash with a girl I used to be friends with and all her little pals, it wasn’t a fun interaction to say the least

School is stressing me out to the max and I have no clue what I’m going to do

My friends are really starting to annoy me but I can’t do anything about it. I wish I could drop them but 1) I have no other friends cause they are my only ones 2) I feel extremely guilty even thinking about that

My online friend has really been causing me the most idk stress, anxiety, upset? Idk how to put it. He’s just been such an asshole for the past like 2 months and it’s getting on my nerves. I got really close to him and for ages I used to get like upset or anxious if he didn’t reply to me (I think I’ve got some kind of anxious attachment or something, it’s some kind of anxiety) but honestly for the past couple of weeks and especially at the start of the month he was just such an ass that it honestly gave me so much of an ick I started not to care anymore.

Speaking of that friend OHHHHHHHHH HAS HE BEEN SUCH AN ARSE ABOUT EVERYTHING. Basically I had tried to explain to this boy about how and why I seem to get anxious or upset when he doesn’t message me back or seems dry, and the mf started to use that shit againt me as a joke. Now I introduced my online friend to my irl friend at the start of November right. And they kinda clash but there seems to be no hard feelings, well sometimes when he decides he want to clash with her he sometimes brings me into it. Sometimes he’ll bring up stuff to make fun of me (shit I told him in serious conversations in full confidence) like he’s brought up the fact that I cry a lot, the fact that I get upset when he doesn’t message me, the fact I have no other friends. The list goes on for ever

This friend also constantly mentions how he doesn’t wanna be friends with me anymore, how he hates talking to me, how he can’t wait to get rid of me. It’s confusing, if he hates me so much then why does he always invite me to ps parties, why does he sometimes message me when shit happens with his family like??

Also I know this friend has constantly lied to me in the past and it’s now pissing me off

I just can’t with people anymore they stress me out so much

Half of me wishes I could go the rest of my life is solitude but the other half hates being alone

Another thing, I feel so genuinely alone, I have no one to talk to, no one checks up on me, no one seems to make an effort to talk to me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t remember the last time I had a friend check up on me and be like “hey are you doing ok”

And if I’m being honest I don’t know what my answer would be cause I’m not doing ok at all, I have no motivation or energy to do anything anymore, Im scared im slowly loosing interest in my hobby. I’m scared I’m pushing people away. I don’t know if I’m depressed or just sad .

I’m just sitting here and waiting for some good luck and fortune to come my way

I’m honestly considering starting a journal, just to write in when I feel this way or just any time I wish. Someplace to get my feelings out when it’s needed. I might go into town in the next couple of days and see if I can find a nice journal somewhere

It feels nice to do this, feels like I’m talking to someone almost. Although no one will see this and I’ll never get a response it’s nice yk

I’m typing this on my phone and my thumb hurts really bad for no reason 😭

Anyways I’m gonna leave it here, might go off and cry or I might go try and sleep who knows. Also happy late Christmas 🎄😁

Buh bye 🤭🥰

#Spotify

[harryfeatgaga]

Hi sorry Paige I kinda wanna vent so if you don’t wanna post this just ignore or whatever. Idek what I expect you to say anyway like I don’t expect advice or comfort or anything but even though we don’t actually know each other irl (and tbh I am not heavily involved in this fandom anymore) I just feel like I can tell you things. Anyway idk how to describe the way I’ve been feeling lately. I guess it borders on depression as well as emptiness. I’ve felt this way since right before Christmas. Like, I feel sad and lost and empty all at once. Maybe part of it is my age and circumstances (don’t wanna give a specific number cause it makes me feel old and pathetic but I am younger than you and in my mid 20’s). I don’t have a great job (it’s a complete dead end), I stopped going to school (classes were getting rough for me), I don’t have a driver’s license (i’m extremely anxious about/afraid of driving), and I haven’t really had a serious relationship before or even had sex yet (i’m pretty much undesirable and unlovable). I guess part of my problem with that shit is how fucking insecure I am. It makes me afraid to interact with new people or even try to go out and be independent. But honestly I feel like my insecurities are not completely ridiculous or untrue anyway. I’m not smart or creative or pretty. If I was I would probably have a cool career by now and maybe someone who cares about me. Idk I just feel like I’ve somehow gotten way past the point of hitting rock bottom now and it does make me consider “ending things” although I’m too chicken shit to do that either. Idk I just feel so lost and empty rn. I don’t feel like I’m living life at all. Just kinda going through it rn (although ik I’ve been depressed for at least 10 years now, since the last part of my middle school days). Anyways sorry again for this long pointless ask it’s just hard cause idk what to do when I feel like this. Basically hating everything about myself from my looks (especially that) to my personality. I know the only way to really get better is to eventually do it myself but that’s hard too when the depression is so strong that I barely take care of myself as is and just wanna sleep and not wake up.

Im so sorry babe im sending you so much love and positivity and hopefully things can get better for you soon 🫶🏻

[renewingagain]

sunday 9th october 2022 // 4:44pm

once again it’s been quite a while since i’ve journaled lol. i really need to do this more often as it’s quite an effective way for me to check myself, work out whats going on with me internally, and also help me work out things like where my life is headed, sort out my future, establish goals and things like that

but i say this everytime i journal, and then leave it a good few months before i get back to it 🤣

anyway, i started off with this post by actually reading a few of my previous entries just to assess how my life has been the past year, what my feelings have been like throughout, and to then compare to how im doing now

considering that the last year or two of my life have genuinely been some of the hardest years i’ve been through, i’m actually doing pretty well in this latter half of 2022

the past couple of years in a nutshell i’ve had to face

- the shittiness of covid and the impact it had on my life during and after uni

- releasing myself from the chains of religion

- thus dealing with religious trauma

- to then finding myself again and discovering my sexuality properly

- having my first relationship and losing my first relationship

- my self-esteem issues

- physical abuse from another dumbass boy (not my relationship)

- generally being an adult in sheffield

theres probably more to this list but its a general rundown so far. the beginning of 2022 was also really difficult in particular, as this was when i had my breakup as well as moved house, turned 25, faced performance issues with my job and was just generally anxious all the time

to be fair, im still anxious to this day and i’m always fretting about where my life is going. but i seem to be managing it much better than usual

and within this latter half of 2022, i seem to be doing really well and have been living more carefree about things!

first, the break up. it was obviously really hard at that time, and sometimes to this day i do still find myself thinking about alex. it really is a shame that we had to break up for the reasons we did, alas it was necessary. the first 2 or 3 months were extremely difficult, there was always this inner turmoil of wondering whether i had made the right decision. but i know now that i did, and time is a healer. now im fine with it all and wish him all the best of course. i have realised that there will always be a part of me that does love him, i dont know why that is, but its there, i acknowledge it and thats just that and that’s fine! it does make me sad that we don’t talk anymore, but if he is safe and well then so am i :)

the few months after this have just consisted of getting into dating again but also just generally exploring my sexuality! and within that i have been having a pretty good amount of sex. a bit tmi but i had my first threesome(s) this year. they both happened in the same week, both unplanned, and with different people! it was pretty wild but i enjoyed it and it’s definitely something i would do again

these days i am feeling much more comfortable in just being gay and acknowledging it. i went to my first prides this year <3 chesterfield, leeds, and then manchester. had sooooo much fun with them each time and it really made me feel proud about who i am. i know not to be ashamed of this

i went to amsterdam for a weekend in september with kiran and kajal which was so much fun, and i’ve now just spent the past couple weeks in london seeing lots of friends and family. it’s been a really great month! (i’m currently writing this entry on the train as i head back to sheffield now) 

now i’m just at a stage in my life where i need to work out what i want to do and where i want to go. i have a lot to think about.

when i was in london, my massi said i can essentially move in with them once they have finished doing up their house if i find a job down here. could london be the next step in my life?

i’m approaching 25 now and i really want to just have some more direction and feel settled in life. london in particular is probably the best place to be for opportunity. even seeing veena down there, she sent me a job recommendation for where she works and would put in a referral for me if i decide to apply for it. and i’m like why not!

as much as i love sheffield with all my heart, i’m starting to get a little tired of it now and would like something new. i came with the intention of just getting away from home so i had the space to think about where my life is going. and now i’ve had that space and clarity and i have an idea of what i want to do in life now. i know it’s tech.

furthermore, london would be so good for music too. so there really is a lot to think about. i would dearly miss my friends in sheffield, the connections i have there, my best friend sam, my little gay group i have. but otherwise, there isn’t really anything holding me back there. i’m not tied to anyone there in a relationship, and my job there at the HO is boring and something i dont really want. [i am now being promoted tho so thats fun woo]

task: check out that job posting that veena sent and similar 

i also really want to start working on my fitness and health again. i need to get back into it properly, it is important. i want to drink less and start waking up early again and look after myself.

also, i really need to get off my phone and do more things. learn more, go outside, read a book

now that the winter is approaching, it is adamant i stick to this rather than consistent mindless scrolling on tiktok or wherever. i need to look after myself again, meditation is key too.

i need to get back on my learning and development too. if i want to get into tech then i have to put in the work.

also, doing this will greatly benefit my mental health, thus ensuring i am happy, content, and the best me i can be for myself and for other people. i’m tired of having days where i just feel a bit crap. i know they are normal, but lately i am feeling generally better and hopefully this will continue to be on the up.

i also need to learn to transform any space i am in so i can just learn to be content. rather than having my set place, i wanna learn to be content and continue doing what i do at all times.

with regards to my mental health, i’m hoping these ashwagandha supplements i have ordered start to take effect in order for me to feel more focussed and less anxious

tasks:

- start waking up early

- turn off your phone. just literally turn it off and don’t think about it

- start running again and working out. just do it as and when you can. even a 10min run is better than doing nothing. this same logic applies to anything, 10min of studying is better than nothing

- do some proper, consistent, thorough research on where things are going to go and for where you want to go in life. do this alongside your studying and keep dreaming

- make a physical vision board that you can refer to at any time. you certainly have the space for it

enjoy your life, rest, and go easy on yourself. you’re doing amazing sweetie. and go easy on your self-esteem too. someone will love you for exactly who you are. someone has before, and someone will again. you’ll find that person you can just vibe with.

love yourself

[keefwho]

September 12 - 2022

10:15 AM

I have a lot to do today and I’m trying but I can’t get comfortable. I can’t find peace right now. Im having a very hard time. 

11:06 AM

Why dont I feel okay. Everything is fine. Why cant I just accept that. Instead I'm cuddled up in bed avoiding my responsibilities. Please let me feel better.

12:16 PM

I just want to give up. Every day is wake up> try to complete my meager work> stress about tomorrow’s work. Whats the point. Ill try to get it done so I can at least feel a little better about laying in bed all day. 

I used to have fun doing streams. I used to look forward to VR time every evening. I used to enjoy eating. Now Im just fucked up in every field. Im a shell of who I used to be. Im totally broken.

12:40 PM

I know I’m just having a bad couple days. It happens. I was optimistic for awhile and now I’m depressed. It’ll pass and I’ll keep making progress on myself. I just gotta stick to doing what I know is best for me, even if it’s hard. Things will always get better. Things just get so overwhelming and sometimes I feel so alone through all of it. I’ve never thought of myself as a strong person. Sometimes I don’t feel like I can make it. 

I’ve been feeling like wanting to cry for days and I finally am, I guess I just needed to get it out. 

5:31 PM

Im trying to do 1 exercise for each pivot daily. For defusion I’ve been doing the first one which is telling myself I can’t do something while actively doing it. It does making me briefly aware of how my thoughts and actions can be separate from each other. Now I’m going to do the “I am” exercise again since it’s the 1st one listed for this pivot.

I am smart. I am thoughtful. I am weak.

I am smarter than a lot of people I meet on VRchat.  I am more thoughtful than many on the internet in general.  I am weaker than most everyone.

I am smart, or not. I am thoughtful, or not. I am weak, or not. 

If I consider myself as either being these things, or not, it opens up possibilities. If I erase the statements completely and ask “am I still me?”, I immediately assume “no.” How can I be me without the qualities I’ve come to define myself with. But the thing is, that “no” thought was automatic. The real me noticed it. The real me is a deeper sense of myself buried underneath the mountain of books that are my ‘stories’ and ‘traits’. 

I think of myself as smart. I think of myself as thoughtful I feel weak. When I’m faced with a unique problem, and I figure it out before my friends, I think of myself as smart. 

When I don’t feel good, but I know a friend needs me so I help them out, I think of myself as thoughtful.

When I have very little work to do, but I still can’t bring myself to do it, I feel weak.

When I take on a problem that I think is simple, but I struggle to get anywhere, I don’t think of myself as smart. 

When someone needs me, but I don’t feel like helping at the moment, I don’t think of myself as thoughtful. 

When something really needs to get done, and I do it no matter how I feel, I do not feel weak.

I think I’m going to hop on VRchat for a little to try the acceptance exercise which utilizes your environment. 

12:23 AM

Most of my troubles stem from sever overthinking. I pretend I can make heads or tails of a given situation but I simply can’t. No one can to the degree I’m trying to do. It’s a nasty habit I could try to minimize. The reality is, everything is so dynamic, complicated, and unmeasurable that it would be impossible to write rules that dictate a certain situation reliably. The only thing I CAN rely on are simpler, broader rules like most people do. Most things work themselves out anyways, I think sometimes we pretend we have more power than we really do. The best I can do is live in the moment and operate as dynamic as life is. 

Daily Recap 

This morning was really bad, I remember being extremely down on myself. I was sad about where I am mentally currently. Mostly because the past couple days have been more anxious than usual, for no particular reason. It might have just been a couple of bad days, they tend to happen. Things picked up as the day went on. I didn’t draw as much as I’d wanted, I did half of the day’s work but I was a full day ahead so I could afford it. I did my exercise despite believing I wasn’t going to be capable of it. I also did a lot of cleaning and did my daily mental exercises. So I was mostly as productive as I wanted to be. This evening I had a great time with my friends and then had a relaxing night. I ate a lot which is good since I’m trying to gain weight. I can say it was a pretty good day despite how I felt this morning. I definitely hit a sort of breaking point and reset myself. 

#journal #diary #anxiety

[barking-barkive]

i always forget that i actually am stronger than i give myself credit for

#barking #for example: #i am so existentially sad and just... sad. like i havent been Sad and not just unfeeling with extreme depression in a while #its almost nice #but i am wistful #im also anxious right now but like #im more resilient than i think #especially when im having a breakdown i like #im very bad during breakdowns #especially extended ones like this is the first time ive thought of myself as strong or resilient in like #a while. #anyways. #thanks for reading all of this shit if you did!