#and talked about how much he would’ve hated if his dad was the Dean | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jassackles · 1 year

Text

I thought you never would-Chapter 7 (FIN)

Warnings: depressed!dean, asshole!dean, selfish!dean, hurt!reader, a lot of cursing

words: 3.5k

A/N: yes, this is the end already, because I started writing this story after my breakup which helped me to deal with my feelings, but I’m not that person I was when the breakup happened. So yeah it’s quite long, but I just wanted to finish this since I’m not feeling it anymore.

After that weekend Dean and Sam visited you at your hometown, weirdly Ryan didn’t join them. Which was weird since he wanted to visit you too, even asked what your mom likes so he could bring something.

You had a fun time with Dean and Sam at your house, they picked you up from work, got drunk, watched a movie, played some video games and cooked food.

You talked to Ryan via FaceTime and he was just weird as soon as Sam showed him you and Dean cuddling in your bed. You liked being so close to Dean since he smelled so good, you never thought a guy could smell so good. You nuzzled even more into Dean since you were just tired after work and drinking. Sam enjoyed the sight of his brother truly being happy and having a girl by his side who’s not crazy and fucking stupid like Kira was.

Sam honestly hated Kira, and yes hate is a big and heavy word, but he just couldn’t stand her. She took everything Dean did for granted, using his money and just everything Dean had to offer. But with you? You payed your own stuff, helped cleaning up whenever you were around Dean’s place, made sure Dean had to eat, wouldn’t spend too much money on stupid and unnecessary stuff Dean just didn’t need. You made sure he was okay and doing fine.

His and Dean’s dad really liked you after meeting you a month later, you were sweet always polite, helping around the house and in the kitchen, you always made yourself useful. All of the family members that met you told Dean, that’s you’re a keeper. Dean knew you were special, he told you in the beginning how thankful and grateful he is to call you his girlfriend, who’s helping him a lot.

The sex at the beginning of the relationship was awesome, just excited and adventurous, but after some time it got…boring. Dean didn’t bother to work you up and literally just put his cock inside you, no foreplay, no making out, no nothing. At first you weren’t mad, but later you enjoyed touching yourself more than being fucked by your boyfriend. He didn’t even care about making you cum, it was all about him during sex. It wasn’t as much fun and exciting as you imagined it would be and it disappointed you. He didn’t put any effort into sex, complaining about why you didn’t cum and why it would take you so long.

Frankly, it hurt you, hurt you he didn’t put any effort into the sex and later the relationship. Yes, a long-distance-relationship is hard and needs a lot of strength, but if both people fight for and want it, it definitely could work out. You two couldn’t see each other a lot, due to your school and his work, but you always tried to visit him. You always really tried, even when money was tight for you, you always fucking tried. Dean wouldn’t get it sometimes that you couldn’t visit him every weekend, you just couldn’t.

Dean couldn’t visit you either since he was working on weekends and he also hadn’t a lot of money. So which lead to fighting from Dean’s side. Dean would’ve never admitted that he’s depressed, he cant be alone, he always needs someone to come home to. After his best friend died a few years back, Dean wasn’t the same anymore. He barely talked about anything, blamed everything bad that happened on him and he just closed off. Whenever you and Dean fought either over phone or in person, he would close off completely. You tried to teach him that you talk about something during a relationship since he preferred keeping stuff that was bugging him to himself than talking about it. He once was so depressed saying stuff he couldn’t do it without you and he needed you there everyday. He even made you think about it moving in with him for college.

There were moments, you had the feeling Dean was trying to change you, make you someone you weren’t. Yes you were fucking stubborn so was he. Even though you were stubborn you always compromised and did it his way. Sometimes you hated it.

The more time passed the more things changed. Dean started to take you for granted, taking the things you did for him for granted, taking for granted that you did grocery shopping from your money even tho it wasn’t your fridge you were filling. He took for granted that you cleaned his apartment and did his laundry. Basically everything you did he took it for granted. Kira never did this stuff, so he was using you, if we’re being honest.

But you didn't see it and you also didn't want to. You were helping him, because you loved him and you wanted to make things easier for him. After such a sort amount of time you already imagined living with him, like already mentioned you wanted to go college where he lived. It felt like he was your life, you felt so dependent from him, it wasn’t even healthy anymore. Which you realized some time Later.

Since he was your first love and boyfriend, the love you had for him was very very different. He was your first love after all.

When your birthday came around, it wasn’t him who wished you a happy birthday first. It was Sam. Sam. Not him. And you knew he was still awake. Dean was a Person who wouldn’t go to sleep before 3 am in the morning. What the saddest thing was ans what hurt you the most was that he didn’t call you to wish you a happy birthday, he wished you a happy birthday via snapchat. It hurt and disappointed you so much, it was the worst birthday you had. From the person you wanted to hear first, was probably the last one.

Sometimes it was hard for you to have sympathy for his actions, since some of them were just fucking selfish. It wasn’t even your birthday he forgot, he forgot your first anniversary. It felt like it didn’t matter to him, like you had no worth to him at all. You hadn’t meant to him as much as he meant to you.

There were times where Dean still talked a lot about Kira and you didn’t understand back Then he wasn’t over her. She was his first love. So you understood later on, since it was hard for you to get over him as well.

Dean also never really listened or tried to help you when you were feeling like shit and had shit going on. Your drivers license took so much money and strength from you, you were feeling desperate. Dean basically didn’t give a fuck. You two fought so hard and didn’t talk for at least two days. Which lead to why he didn’t call you for your birthday, because he was too fucking stubborn.

One day, you had a bad feeling, since Dean has been acting strange for a couple of days, so you needed to talk to someone. So you talked to Sam. Sam listened to you and told you, Dean’s having his introverted phase, where he isn’t talking to anyone socially. You knew he had phases like that, because he had one before, but this phase felt much more different than the other one. Sam tried to cheer you up that night trying to make you laugh, it actually helped and you managed to ignore the bad feeling in your gut.

Just a day after that Dean broke up with you, for you it was out of nowhere. It was unexpected. He told you, he didn’t love you anymore and his feelings weren’t as strong as they used to be because of the distance. You were the one who was unsure about the whole long-distance-relationship, Dean was the one who wanted to try. You’ve asked him so many times if he was sure and he always said yes, fucking yes, every damn time. He said, the long-distance-relationship wasn’t working for him anymore, he needed someone there and not every couple of weekends. The whole long-distance was hard for you too! You wanted to see him as often as you could, but he didn’t get it that you hadn’t much money.

Funny thing, he didn’t broke up with you via phone call, no! He broke up with you via fucking Snapchat! This stupid child didn’t even had the guts to do it via phone call if he couldn’t wait a couple of more days, since you planned on visiting him that week. No he couldn’t wait to do it like a decent human being, no! He did it like a fucking coward he was.

You had to leave school early, because he broke up with you during school time. You felt like something broke inside you. He was the first person you let come so close to you. He knew stuff, no one knew. You felt safe, but every word he said, were just…words. He didn’t mean them seriously.

He broke up with you, two weeks after you two had last seen each other. You didn’t understand why he didn’t do it back then, losing feelings couldn’t happen over night right? You lost feeling for someone over time and not over night like he did.

At this point you weren’t sure what you were supposed to do. It felt like a big part of you was suddenly missing. It was hard for you to get no phone calls when he finished work. It was hard for you to not laugh with him anymore. It was hard for you to not play video games with him anymore. You were missing him so bad, it fucking hurt. You were feeling lonely after that. You and Sam stayed in contact.

Julia, their step-sister, stayed in contact with you too. They all liked you so much, they were very sad to hear that you two broke up. Dean’s step-mom didn’t understand it at all, calling him stupid for letting you go. You really liked them, those people were like a second family to you. You missed them everyday since then.

You even visited Julia once, guess to who’s apartment you went to first? Dean’s! You were having so much madness in you, you needed to tell Dean what a coward he was. You were more angry and hurt when you found out, he got back together with Kira just two weeks after the break up. Yeah he really got back together with that bitch. He called her many bad and barefaced names and still got back together with her.

You reminded him how he called her different names, reminded him how glad he was they broke up, reminded him of how she was only good at spreading her legs and using his money, while she was in his apartment. Since then you were doubting yourself, asking yourself what was wrong with you that he chose her over you. But he did.

He was dumbfounded and surprised to see you, that you actually ever showed up in his life again.

You laughed sarcastically, “You’re a fucking coward who couldn’t even break up with me via a phone call. You haven’t been honest with me! Now you’re fucking that fucking whore again? What’s wrong with you?! Y-You’re ridiculous and just fucking pathetic!” You yelled at him by the end you finished.

Dean clenched his jaw chewing in the insides of his mouth, “Then I am. You finished?” He asked coldly. Dean was furious and didn’t expect to get called out by his now ex-girlfriend while his girlfriend, former ex-girlfriend was in his apartment. He actually was also shocked to see this side of you, he never, literally never saw you this angry in the past year of your relationship. You always told him not to test you, because if you wanted to, you could be a bitch and it wouldn’t end funny for him.

Your eyes went wide not expecting him to be so cold after everything you two went through. He was your boyfriend and you expected some respect, but Dean wasn’t showing any respect at this point. All he did was shutting the door into your face. You blinked looking at Sam and Julia who were standing behind you. Sam rubbed his face, he lost the last faith he had in his brother. Sam did not understood how his brother could be so stupid and got back together with that bitch Kira. He was so disappointed and he wasn’t sure what to do with his brother.

You brushed past them walking down the stairs and leaving your ex-boyfriends apartment building. Your emotions were all over the place. You were feeling a little better that you could finally shout those words into his face after bottling them up inside you for weeks. You felt relieved.

“You okay?” Sam asked when he approached you.

“Yeah.” You said with a small smile hugging yourself.

“Come here.” He said and pulled you into a hug. You immediately melted into his arms feeling yourself tear up again. “He’s being a big dick. I’m sorry about the way he treated you. You definitely didn’t deserve that and neither did he deserve you.” He whispered as he rubbed your back gently.

You were so grateful to have Sam as your friend. It surprised you that he wasn’t on the side of his brother. Sam loved his brother a lot, but the thing he was pulling off with you, didn’t sit right with Sam. In Sam’s eyes, you were awesome and had a great personality. He understood why Ryan was crushing on you. Ryan distanced himself from Dean and you over the time you were together. You always told Dean to reach out to him again since a final fight lead to separate ways between Dean and Ryan. Dean eventually did the summer before you two broke up.

“Thanks,” was all you said and gave him a small smile. He smiled at you and nodded holding you for a little moment before letting you go.

What happened that night was something unimaginable. You ended up sleeping at Sam, probably not the smartest thing to do and regretted it the moment you woke up. You got so drunk at the next bar you guys found, both of you. One thing lead to another and you ended up in the same bed. You were supposed to stay at Julia’s place, she had to leave early because of work. Sam promised her to take you to her place, but that didn’t happen obviously.

Julia was worried sick when you didn’t show up but assumed you crashed at Sam’s place. You lied to her telling her you didn’t want to wake her up, since you were so drunk. She bought it.

When you were alone at Julia’s place, your mind kept going back to the talk you had with Dean. Julia and you talked about it when she came home during her break from work. She told you, to talk to him alone with no other people involved. You texted him and he even agreed to meet up and talk things out. And you guys did.

“Hey.” You said awkwardly.

“Hey.” He said with a tight smile. “You wanted to talk then…talk.”

You swallowed hard and nodded, “First of all, yesterday wasn’t the smartest ting to address the whole situation. But the way we broke up wasn’t fair. You broke up with me via fucking Snapchat which is worse than text and you told me, you love me the day before.” You rubbed your arm and looked at the ground.

When he didn’t answer you kept going, “We had plans. I wanted to move here for you, for our relationship. I was going to give up so mich for you, because I really love you, Dean. I trusted you, we talked about so many times and y-“

“I couldn’t wait anymore and come on, we wouldn’t have worked out.” He interrupts you.

Ouch, that one hurt.

“Do you ever loved me?” You asked out of the blue, just being curious and dying to know if he ever did.

“I did.”

“Then you have no clue what love means. You never put mich afford into this relationship. You didn’t even want to try fighting to make it work, just because you need to get your dick wet by that bitch.” You slipped so done with being nice.

“You’re right it wasn’t fair how I broke up and I’m sorry.” Is all he said ignoring the last part. You looked at him and just scoffed, knowing he didn’t mean the apology serious. He said it, because he knew you wanted to hear it.

“I thought you never would hurt and disappoint me the way you did.” You said and teared up. “Have a great life.” You walked off not able to stand there anymore. You were hurt and just devastated he left you. You were hurting.

You and Dean never saw each other again after you walked off, but you felt better after the conversation helped you to put your emotions into place. Kira stalked you on instagram most of the time because she felt intimidated by you, even though you lived miles away. It annoyed you, so you blocked her and her beat friend.

Dean blocked and removed you on every social network. You didn’t understand why. You understood he unfollowed you, but the whole blocking this was just ridiculous at this point.

You and Sam talked about the hook and told each other it was a one time thing which shouldn’t repeat itself.

Sam became your closest and best friend after the breakup and you were just grateful to have him.

END

tag list: @leigh70 @wittysunflower @jensensgirl

Thank you so much for reading!!

19 notes · View notes

andrew-minyards-bitch · 3 years

Text

aftg as things in my school

Renee: did y’all know that fanfic sites can’t be accessed during school hours?

Dan: …and why do you know this?

Renee: …

Kevin: *gives a throughout explanation on how the Middle Ages worked in Europe, explaining Christianity to Neil because Neil has a history text in his next class period*

Kevin: *continues to explain how feudalism was the government system during this time*

Random student on campus: are you trying to preach Christianity?

Kevin: …

Kevin: I’m an atheist 🤨

Student: ohh oh, sorry!

(this is in no way shape or form an outlay of what i believe to be Kevin’s belief, this is a comedic expression of what happened in my school between my personal interaction w another person and since I *was* discussing history i feel as though it suits Kevin’s character)

Kevin: so like can we bring…?

Wymack: no!

Kevin: soda?

Kevin: I haven’t even finished my question?!

Wymack: I’m sorry I thought u were going to say alcohol and i was like ? is he for real

Foxes: ALCOHOL IN A SCHOOL BUILDING LMFAO

Dan: stop- I was literally panicking because I thought he was going to say alcohol

Allison: PLS me too

Renee: can we bring those fake wine from weddings?

Wymack: NO!

Nicky: but it’s fake!

Wymack: [looks between Renee and Nicky] no no no no no no no no no no no no!

Matt: but but it’s just grape juice!

Wymack: it’s like you guys want me to get fired or something

Wymack: yeah so like I’ve been recently informed by my girls (in 1st period class but since this is aftg let’s just say “team”) that I’m the “dad” of the school? And Abby is the mom?

Whole team: ummm…yeah about that

Wymack: I thought I would at least me a cool uncle yk w/ my tattoos and all

Wymack: Id at least think that yk the tattoos will make me look cool, I don’t think I’m that old to be a dad

Upperclassmen, under their breath: parent! Abby and Wymack era, fucking knew it

Wymack: I do have a question though, if I’m the dad and Abby is the mom then how does Bee fit into this?

Andrew: Bee is the cool aunt

Renee: yeah, she would let us have sparkling grape juice

Wymack: no!

Wymack: [calls Kevin outside of the court]

Foxes: ooohh he’s in trouble

Bee: yeah busted!

Bee: Imagine your dad being your coach, that would be hell

Foxes: agreed!

Wymack: yeah.. my dad wasn’t a very good father

Matt: oh? I’m sorry, what happened?

Wymack: he left when I was 3 and when he visited he was always just punching me and getting mad

Matt: that must’ve been hell

Wymack: yeah, so like if you ever have conflicts w/ you dad yk you can come to me, I can empathize w/ you

Wymack: 😐

Matt: (ಥ﹏ಥ)

Allison and Aaron: [gets into a fight]

Renee: um.. Andrew? hello? are you going to do anything about this?

Neil: [films the whole thing]

Kevin: [eats an apple]

Nicky: [does zumba classes and randomly squats in front of Aaron and hollers]

Other sport players in the college campus: [trying to stop it]

Upperclassmen and the “Monsters”: [gets into an argument]

Them: [blocks the way bc they’re all standing up and arguing and are seconds away from throwing hands]

Neil: i’m just trying to get to my math class wtf

Aaron: help me study

Andrew: am i smart? yes do ik how to study? no

Aaron: 😑 me too but like pls just do ur best

Andrew: fine

Aaron: [studying for his biology quiz on thursday]

Aaron: and so this dude named Theodore Schwann had a bald spot on his forehead

Andrew: ???

Aaron: bald.. balls lol

Aaron: anyways so you can put balls in boxes which you can’t do with cells, wanna know why? because cells aren’t boxes

Andrew: this is how you study?

Aaron: [throws stank eye]

Allison and Seth: [make out near the women’s bathroom w/ tongue]

Kevin, knowing damn well that Seth can hear him and thriving off of it: hey Aaron! I just saw this dude kissing his on/off gf near the mf WOMENS BATHROOM

Aaron: that is unsanitary

Kevin: right!? and like shoving their tongues at each other and it was the most disgusting thing i’ve ever witness which is saying something because i slapped cold peanut butter on the table and got cut by a plastic spork on the first day of school

Seth: [stares at Kevin as they walk down the hallways and Seth is literally standing right next to Kevin]

Allison: guys there’s a bee in this class!!

Matt: slap it?

Dan: girl it’s near you

Allison: oh my god..

Dan: don’t move!

Renee: [gets up and goes to Allison, slaps the bee that’s flying around her head, bee lands on Allison’s hair, she freaks out, Renee thinks it’s dead and holds said bee with her bare fingers]

bee: [stings her]

Renee: ouch 😟🤨

Wymack, after Renee gets back from the nurse w/ a swell on her left thumb: she looks so offended and clueless as to why the bee stung her, she looked so confused and hurt too 😭

Renee: Abby I got stung by a bee

Abby: how’d you get stung by a bee?! did you do outside or something?

Renee: no, it just bit me

Jean: imagine being so unlucky that a bee stings you while you’re inside of a school building

Renee: IK!

Jeremy: omg look there’s another bee!

Renee: if you don’t stop!

68 notes · View notes

tootiredmotel · 3 years

Text

a different lover is not a sin

or: 5 times Dean didn't go to Pride + 1 time he did

Happy @starrynightdeancas gift exchange posting day!!! This one's for the wonderful and talented @andzia267 !!! Sending you all the hugs and good vibes, and I hope you enjoy it! And thank you Sophie for hosting all this, you're a rock star! <3

Read on ao3 or below / 5.5k words

CW: homophobia, queer used as a slur, john winchester being an asshole

1 - 1994

Dean was fifteen years old when he found out that being gay was something people could be proud of. It was early in the morning, they'd left their motel about 20 minutes before, and Sammy had fallen asleep in the backseat. The sun was just starting to completely show over the horizon, and they were driving through– or rather, struggling to get out of– Phoenix on their way to a possible poltergeist in Tucson. Every street they tried to take was blocked for the big event, and dozens of people already lined the sidewalks with colorful outfits and signs.

"Fuckin' queers," John grumbled in the seat next to him. "Never should'a thrown that damn brick."

Big banners overhead displayed "Stonewall 25: A Global Celebration of Pride". Dean made a mental note to hit up a library once they got to Tucson to look that up, "Stonewall". In the meantime, he was mesmerized staring out the window. Guys held hands, women kissed, everyone was practically vibrating with excitement. A black man in heels and a wig caught his gaze through the window and waved. Dean started to wave back, but his hand was harshly swatted back down.

"Do not," John said. "Don’t talk to them, don’t even look at ‘em. These people are sick in the head."

Dean focused his gaze on his lap until they were out of the city, and his mind wandered back to the gas station they stopped at the day before. He thought of the guy at the cash register that called him "cutie" and winked at him as he bought a candy bar for Sammy and beers for Dad with his fake ID. By Dad’s logic– which Dean trusted, of course–, that cashier, that queer, must've been sick in the head.

Then Dean remembered how his heart sped up, how his ears got hot, and how for a second he let himself think the cashier was kinda cute too. He realized he must also be sick in the head, and the thought was making him feel actually, physically sick. He felt like throwing up. Dad could never know.

Dean was fifteen years old when he learned that being gay actually wasn't something to be proud of.

---

2 - 2000

Dean was 21 years old when he learned the word “bisexual”. Dad had caught word of a ghoul case in lower Manhattan and sent Dean to take care of it. It was starting to get too hot and the streets were too crowded, but Dean was mostly glad to get a break from the constant fighting between Dad and Sammy.

Except it was June, and every time he turned a corner, there they were. The Pride parade flyers.

The second he spotted a rainbow he averted his gaze. He turned another corner and spotted another one. He avoided reading them at all costs. He heard Dad’s voice. Sick. Sick in the head.

For years now Dean had pretended he wasn’t sick. He pretended to not stare at Patrick Swayze too much whenever Dirty Dancing played on TV. He pretended like he didn't imagine what it would be like to kiss a guy, what stubble would feel like against his lips if he ever did.

He liked women. He could stick to women. He could live his whole life like that. And that meant he wasn’t totally sick, right? He wasn’t gay -gay if he liked girls.

But then what the hell was he? Would he even belong at one of these Pride things if he wanted to? He was probably a freak of nature. Even sicker than the rest of the bunch.

Curiosity got the best of him. He spared a glance at one of the flyers as he waited to cross the street.

Gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transexuals, ALL WELCOME

“Are you gonna go?” A voice next to him asked. ”It’s next weekend.” He was blond, pale, and a bit shorter than Dean.

“What? No! I don't swing that way,” Dean said, a bit too quickly and with too much bite.

The guy looked him up and down with a frown. “Geez, alright. Just askin’.”

He started to walk away, and Dean spoke up before he could stop himself.

“Hey man, wait.”

The guy stopped walking.

“Sorry, can I ask you something? Assuming you... know about this stuff?”

He seemed exasperated, but he turned anyway, willing to hear Dean out. Dean licked his lips, rubbed at the back of his neck, swallowed nervously. He couldn’t believe he was doing this, asking a stranger on the street about something so personal. At least the chances of meeting this person ever again were close to none.

“What’s bisexual?”

The guy’s features softened a bit. He seemed to understand something about Dean that so far Dean refused to acknowledge.

“It means you’re into more than one gender. And yes, you can do that,” the guy said. He flashed Dean a tight smile and then disappeared into the crowd.

Dean felt his hands go numb and balled them into fists, shoving them in his pockets. He took a deep breath through his nose. The guy said you. You are. You can.

The guy didn’t know what he was talking about. He knew nothing about Dean. He was wrong.

Or maybe he was right.

But he couldn’t be.

Dean couldn’t be… that.

Dean was 21 years old when he decided he wasn’t bisexual. He wasn’t anything. He was also 21 when he solved a case in record time (two days), just so he could book it out of New York before the next weekend arrived.

---

3 - 2004

By the time he was 25 years old, Dean knew he was bi. He hated it, he never spoke about it, and he ignored it as much as he could, but he was aware of it. And he knew he was bi because, at 25 years old, he’d already gone through two serious breakups, and they both equally sucked.

The first was Lee. He hunted with Dean and John for about a year, the second half of which Dean and Lee spent sneaking around and hooking up behind John’s back. It was fun, and hot, and exciting, and some of the best hookups he’d had up until that point in his life were with Lee.

But the thing is that it wasn’t just hooking up. They were close, and Dean liked him. A lot. They kissed for the first time after a particularly scary werewolf hunt in which Dean almost died, but John was more preoccupied with the mostly-unharmed victim than his own son. Dean and Lee rode in the backseat, bruised, bloody, and quiet. When John went to walk the victim up to her apartment, Lee reached over and placed a hand on Dean’s back, asking him if he was okay. Dean fell into Lee’s arms, and they kissed as they pulled away from the embrace, soft and comforting. It was Dean’s first kiss with a guy.

Lee was a lot of firsts for Dean over the next few months. But then John almost caught them once, drunk and making out in the Impala.

And then that case in Arizona went wrong, and Lee just couldn’t take it anymore. He packed up, swore off hunting, hugged Dean goodbye, and left him in the dust.

Dean needed to clear his head after that. He could barely look his dad in the eye after that close call, couldn't let him see the sorrow he was feeling. With every interaction, he imagined how John would yell at him, probably try to beat it out of him, if he noticed all he was feeling over Lee. Or worse, John could ignore him, practically disown him like he did Sam.

So he also packed up and left. Went hunting on his own for a while.

It was on one of those hunts that he met Cassie, and she was yet another handful of firsts for Dean over the course of a few months. She was amazing, and he fell hard and fast, but of course that went up in flames too.

Then again, he should've known better than to be honest. Honesty only ever got him in trouble.

He’d just left her back in Ohio and was working at a bar in Indianapolis for a few weeks to make some cash. He’d eventually meet back up with Dad. He just couldn’t right now. Not with Sam gone to college. Not after getting his heart broken twice over within a year.

He was hyper-aware of the end of June approaching. He knew it was coming, Indy had a pretty big celebration, and he made sure to be working all day that day so he wouldn't have to face it.

That was pointless, though. Toward the end of the day, a big group of about ten or twelve people who were clearly coming from the parade stumbled into the bar. One of them was apparently the owner’s little sister and they went there every year after the celebrations. They were loud, and obnoxious, and looked incredibly happy. Their happiness was contagious, and Dean loved serving them. He chatted them up, got to know them a bit, and heard all about the parade, all while staring down anyone at the bar who dared look their way with even the slightest stink eye.

But watching them that happy and comfortable, seeing not one, but two pairs of guys sloppily leaning against each other and sharing the occasional kiss while none of their friends seemed to bat an eye… something in Dean ached. Deeply.

Dean was 25 years old when he realized that a small part of him kind of, sort of, wanted to be part of this community. He couldn’t though. Not if he wanted to be on good terms with Dad. Not if he aimed to be the man Dad wanted him to be.

He left Indianapolis the next day.

---

4 - 2008

Dean was 29 years old and on his own personal highway to hell when he learned his brother went to a Pride parade before he ever did. They were driving through San José, the streets were lined with ads for Silicon Valley Pride, and Sam just casually decided to mention how fun it was the last time he went.

Thankfully they were at a red light, or else Dean probably would’ve slammed the breaks. He twisted to look at Sam head-on, his arm on the back of the seat.

“You what ?” he gawked.

Sam shrugged innocently. “What?”

“You went to one of these Pride things?”

“Yeah, dude.”

Dean’s brain was just trying and failing to load. “Why?” he finally asked.

“Jessica was in the GSA and some friends invited us. It was awesome.”

“She was in the what?”

“The G. S. A.,” Sam answered slowly. “Gay-Straight Alliance.”

“Oh.” Whatever that is, Dean thought. He kept eyeing the flyers. It was tomorrow.

“Green.”

“What?”

“Light’s green. Green means go.”

Dean rolled his eyes. "Shut up."

He kept driving and turned up the radio. Somebody To Love was playing, and as much as he liked Queen, he had to change the station. He tried to picture his little brother (his straight little brother) wearing rainbow face paint and having the time of his life at this thing. How come Sammy got to go when Dean could barely entertain the idea? Dean was the not-straight one. It wasn’t fair.

He channeled his jealousy into gripping the steering wheel.

“You okay, Dean?”

“Yeah.” No. “Yeah, m’fine.”

Dean was 29 years old when he died and went to hell without ever having gone to a Pride parade, knowing that his idiot ( straight! ) little brother already had.

---

5 - 2014

Dean was alive again and 35 years old (75, if you count hell) when he was formally invited to a Pride parade for the first time. It was a couple of days after that whole mess with Cas in Lucifer’s crypt, and he called Charlie. He just wanted to hear her voice, needed to know he was still on good terms with at least one of his best friends.

“So anyway,” Charlie said after a while of recounting what she’d been up to. "How single are you right now? My answer is: miserably."

Dean chuckled. Then he thought of Cas, and the smile disappeared. "Yeah, you and me both, sister."

“Would you mind coming with me to this thing next month? Going alone kinda sucks.”

Dean put the phone on speaker and placed it on the library table as he sat down with a beer. “What’s the thing?”

“Pride.”

Dean was glad no one was around to see him almost choke on his drink.

“You good?”

“Yeah, what was that?”

“Pride parade. Don’t have anyone to go with this year.”

“Why uh… Why? Why me?”

She knows.

“I dunno.”

She knows she knows she knows.

“You’re my friend, Dean. Thought maybe you might be interested. But never mind, I guess.”

And while all the alarms in Dean's head were blaring danger danger danger abort, he also hated to hear Charlie so disappointed.

“Hey, no, listen, Charlie, I… I would. Really. You know I support you, wholeheartedly." And that's obviously the only reason I would want to go. "But with Sam doing these trials, and Cas on the run with the angel tablet–”

“It’s okay Dean, I get it. Talk to you soon?”

“Yeah.”

And she hung up.

Dean knew, at this point, that there was nothing wrong with being queer. It wasn’t anything to be ashamed of, and it sure as hell didn’t mean you were wrong in the head or whatever.

But years of pretending to be a false version of yourself in an effort to please a man who was impossible to please wasn’t exactly an easy habit to break. As much as he wished it didn't, as much as he wished he could just exist, the thought of anyone finding out still made him sick to the stomach.

John’s voice still echoed in his ears. His words still drove Dean’s sense of self-worth and so many of his decisions. He tried to never stare at a good-looking guy for too long. He tried to not get too into it with Benny. He tried to keep his feelings for Cas at bay, tried to keep him at arm's length, tried to keep the fact that he was in love (deeply, stupidly in love) as close to his chest as he could.

Even that night at the crypt choking out the words to get through to Cas, he couldn’t bring himself to say what he meant. I love you, he’d wanted to say, because it was the truth. What came out, however, was I need you. And he did, he needed Cas more than air, but it wasn't quite everything.

It still got his heart split in two.

Was he so far gone over Cas that he couldn’t hide it? Had he been trying so hard and failing just as miserably this whole time? Was his attraction to dudes that obvious? Or did Charlie just have a sixth sense for this kinda thing?

It was probably the last one. He hoped it was.

Cas knew, for sure. Angels knew everything right? They could read minds, feel longing, or whatever. And if none of that ever tipped him off, well, Dean put it all on the line back in that crypt. He told Cas how he felt, told him he needed him, tried putting himself out there, and it got him left. Again. With Dean, it was always leave-or-get-left when it came to love. He was tired of it.

Dean was 35 years old, desperately in love with his best friend, and truly heartbroken for the third time in his life, when his other best friend– an out and proud lesbian– gave him a chance to go to Pride, to break through his shell, to finally embrace himself as he was; but because he was practically living in the closet, he couldn’t seem to find the handle after so many years of purposefully ignoring its existence, and he missed his chance. Besides, what was the point of going to a celebration of love without the love of his life by his side?

---

+1 - 2021

Dean is now 42 years old and the happiest he’s ever been. The love of his life? Cas? Turns out he’s felt the same way all along. They're kind of together now, and slowly but surely they’re working through a decade’s worth of shit.

They’ve been raising a kid together too, along with Sam and Eileen, and that kid is also God. After saving the world and whatnot, Jack decided to bring back some of their friends and family that died over the years: Mary, Kevin, Charlie. Yes, there are two Charlies now, but it’s not as confusing as you’d expect. (One is from another dimension, and the other one is Dean’s little sister. Simple.) Mary’s off hunting most of the time and Kevin’s applying to college.

They’ve got extended family now too, Jody and the girls. OG Charlie is staying with them for now, while she finds her footing. Most of that household is queer. Most of Dean's household is queer as well, actually. Turns out both Jack and Eileen are non-binary, Cas is gay in the broader sense of the word, and Dean…

Dean is bi. And everyone knows now.

Apparently, a lot of people had known for a long time. Sam has known since the siren back in ‘09 (even though Dean stands by the fact that it wasn’t like that, Sammy ), and everyone has slowly picked up on his and Cas’s thing over the years, so there’s that.

He still feels a bit weird about it. About calling Cas his boyfriend, about having the freedom to hold his hand in public, about the fact that they now have goddamn pride flags hung around the bunker. He feels even weirder about the fact that John’s voice in his head is now drowned out by the sounds of his home life, more lively and supportive than he ever expected to have.

He wasn’t expecting any of this, he didn’t think everything would change so fast. But when you spend the better part of your life pushing down such a huge part of you and then finally give yourself an out, a chance to show the people who love you who you really are, everything just... follows.

Love follows. Acceptance follows. Family follows. And he wasn’t really expecting any of it.

He certainly doesn’t expect it when Cas walks into the library after his weekly Thursday evening call with Claire and announces, matter-of-factly and with air quotes, “We’re going to "Pride" this weekend.”

Dean’s stomach drops. It’s the Sioux Falls Pride Parade and Festival, it’s in two days, and they’re leaving tomorrow to spend the night at Jody’s so they can all be there bright and early Saturday morning. Everyone immediately starts bustling about, packing and planning outfits and gathering flags to bring with them.

Dean just goes to his room– his and Cas’s now– to pack a small duffle.

Well, he means to. Instead, he takes out the duffle from the closet, puts it on the bed, and sits next to it for a while. An hour goes by. He thinks back to all those times he had brushes with one of these things and was just never in the right mindset. He’s not even sure he’s in the right mindset now, but he’s going. It’s happening.

“Jack’s all ready to go,” Cas says when he walks in. “We spent about half an hour putting together an outfit for Saturday. He wanted it to be as colorful as possible.”

Dean smiles, but it’s not all there. He looks at the empty duffle next to him.

“Yeah, I might need some help with that myself.”

Cas is in sweats and a hoodie. Yes it’s June, yes it’s hot, but he’s a quasi-angel, and the way he experiences the world Dean will never be able to wrap his head around. He walks over and stands in front of Dean, running a hand through his hair and down the side of his face until he’s cupping Dean’s jaw. Dean takes Cas’s hand and leaves a few kisses on the inside of his wrist, closing his eyes as he does.

Cas regards the empty bag and hums quietly, as if in thought, before walking over to their closet. Dean chases his hand, holding onto it until he’s completely out of reach. Cas starts searching, and Dean’s stomach knots more and more with each clang of the hangers. Cas finally pulls out a flannel from its hanger– purple with hints of blue and pink– and tosses it over. Dean can’t believe he didn’t think of it first.

They continue to pack in comfortable silence before changing and getting into bed. Dean doesn’t flop onto his stomach or cuddle into Cas’s side as he usually does; instead, he lies on his back and stares at the ceiling in a daze.

“Dean?” Cas’s voice snaps him out of it.

Dean turns his head and asks, automatically, “You okay?”

It’s a habit by now, asking each other that question. It’s part of the working-through-a-decade’s-worth-of-shit thing they’re doing. Turns out they share a whole lot of trauma. They share worries and insecurities. They share nightmares sometimes, mostly about the Empty.

“I’m okay,” Cas says, putting his hand on top of Dean’s heart for him to hold, and Dean can breathe a little easier.

“You nervous about this thing?” Dean asks, interlocking their fingers.

“The parade? No, not really.”

And then, because he's been working on communicating how he's feeling out loud or whatever, Dean looks back up at the ceiling and says, "I am. Kinda."

He feels Cas shifting and propping himself up on his elbow, and then he's in Dean's line of sight. Dean's gaze is drawn to him, like all of him has been since the moment they met, and Dean can't believe he just has this now. He has a boyfriend, and it's Cas, and he's looking down at Dean with stars in his eyes and a comforting smile that actually works because it's Cas.

And then Cas is leaning down and softly pressing their lips together, and that's also something Dean can’t believe he gets to do: kiss Cas good morning and good night and at any moment in between, kiss him I'm sorry, kiss him we're going to be okay, kiss him I love you.

"I love you too, Dean," Cas says once they've pulled away, and Dean didn't even realize he'd said it out loud, but it doesn't matter. "And you don't need to be nervous. I'll be there with you."

The thought should be a thousand times more nerve-wracking, not just going to Pride but going to Pride with Cas on his arm. It's not nerve-wracking at all, and he soon drifts off to sleep.

Friday goes by faster than it should. The six-hour drive to Sioux Falls, although packed in a car with five people, goes by in a blink. They stop for provisions before getting to Jody's, filling up on backpacks' worth of snacks.

They get to the house and are met with endless hugs and excitement to match. Patience, Alex, and Jody are already working on dinner for the bunch, while Charlie, Donna, and Kaia are running around prepping for the next day and dragging along a hesitant but nevertheless happy Claire. Dinner is chaotic and loud and there are way too many people at the table, and Dean has to step outside after a while.

He sits on the back porch steps. Claire joins him. She's holding a beer, he's not. He hasn't been drinking for a few months now. They don't talk, but she leans her head on his shoulder and they stay there a while, looking at the stars.

When they go back inside, Claire sits back down in her spot at Cas's left, across the table from Dean, and leans on his shoulder for a while too. It's her way of saying she cares, of saying I missed you without really saying it. Jack sits at Cas's right, talking excitedly with Patience about some tv show or other, and the image fills Dean with such fondness that he reaches over with his foot, presses it to Cas's ankle, and keeps it there for the rest of the night.

Dean, Cas, Jack, Sam, and Eileen spend the night spread out around in the living area while the girls sleep in their respective rooms, and Dean is only slightly less nervous as he falls asleep holding Cas’s hand.

---

The nerves all come flooding back as he’s parking the Impala the next morning.

They’re not able to get even remotely close to Phillips Avenue since the streets are so full. They park the three cars that all twelve of them came in as close as they can and then have to walk for another twenty minutes. From blocks and blocks away, people walk and holler and greet them excitedly, many of them trying to circle this swarm of flanneled individuals that are taking up a whole sidewalk. Granted, Dean and Claire are the only ones in their usual kind of outfit. The rest of the bunch is wearing as many colors as they could compile from their closets, half of them are wearing face paint, and the other half are carrying an assortment of pride flags.

They fit right in.

The walk toward the main avenue of the parade is kind of a blur for Dean. He knows he waved at a few people, some friends of Alex from high school joined the group at some point, and Jack already grabbed a snack from his backpack.

The actual parade is also kind of hazy. Getting out of the house that morning had been probably even more chaotic than the night before, so they’re a bit late and the parade has already been going for a good half hour. On top of that, they accidentally merge into it not quite at the starting point but a bit further down the road, in between a decked-out pickup truck and a group of people with dogs. Music is blaring, the dogs are all barking, a big float rides a few yards in front of them, and hundreds stand on the sidewalks recording on their phones and cheering them along.

Dean’s not sure they’re even supposed to be in the actual parade. Maybe they’re supposed to be on the sidewalks? Is this right? What is happening, what is he even doing here?

He doesn’t notice how heavy he’s breathing until Cas is squeezing his hand and beckoning him to meet his eyes. He does, and the blue in them, as imposing as the Atlantic, drowns out everything else around them. “You’re okay, my love,” Cas says. It’s a fact. As long as Dean is with him, he’s okay.

On his other side, Dean feels someone link their arm around his. It’s Charlie, and she’s beaming at them, her cheeks almost as red as her hair. It brings Dean back to reality, grounds him, but he’s okay now. He’s not alone, and he’s meant to be here.

He’s proud to be here.

The parade leads up to a sloping park, and at the lowest point of it, there’s a stage where Dean assumes someone will MC for the afternoon, or maybe perform. It’s grandiose in its simplicity, kind of like a Greek theater, with everyone settling down on the grass around it, expectantly.

“We’ll be right back,” Dean hears Sam say, and he turns to find they’re all set to spend the afternoon, towels laid and backpacks off (save for his). “Jack wants to go meet the drag queens,” Sam says with just a bit too much glee before he and Jack take off.

“It’s not just Jack,” Eileen smiles and follows.

Cas is already sitting, eating one of the PB&Js he packed as lunches for everyone. Jody and Donna are settling down as well and Charlie’s taking a dozen pictures, but the rest of the girls are all standing. “We’re gonna go check out the vendors,” Claire announces, and they start to take off as well.

“Be careful, please!” Dean calls after them, but they pay him no mind. He turns to Charlie. “Hey, your majesty, keep an eye on them will you?”

She smiles, bows gracefully, and heads in the same direction.

Jody stands and grabs Dean by the arm, beckoning him to talk in private for a second.

“What’s up?”

If Dean knows Jody at all, and he does, they’re on the brink of a mom talk.

“Look around, Dean.”

“What for?”

“Just look,” she says, rolling her eyes. “Please?”

So, at her request, Dean starts taking in the environment. Now that everyone is gathered, he can actually see all the people that came out (heh) for the event. There are church groups, pet shelters, skateboarders, and rollerskaters. Drag queens are already taking pictures by the stage, and at least two people are wearing unicorn heads. A few vendors’ tents and food trucks surround the park, and rainbows completely dominate the scenery. There are elders, and kids, and all kinds of families and couples, and everyone looks… happy. Free.

And Dean is here with them. He is one of them.

There’s no danger, no monsters of any kind. No one to judge him, hurt him, call him sick in the head.

He finds Claire’s blonde head amongst the sea of shoppers at the edge of the park. She’s holding hands with Kaia and has one of the biggest smiles Dean has ever seen on her face. There’s no shame in it, and she’s not in any danger either. Things are different now, and she has the freedom to be herself that he never had at her age.

He has it now too. He can be himself.

Dean doesn’t realize he’s about to cry until Jody pulls him down into a hug.

“Dean, I am so proud of you.”

And then he cries.

---

They spend the afternoon laying on the grass, eating, drinking, and enjoying the festivities. The girls come back from the vendors’ tents after a full hour, and most of the bags on their arms are Charlie’s. She gets Cas a mug that says bee yourself in rainbow colors with an image of a cartoon bee, and she gets Dean a button pin that says AC/DC in pink and blue. There’s a meaning behind that apparently, and Dean decides he’ll look it up later.

Jack memorizes all the drag queen’s names. Donna takes a million pictures. They trade numbers with a few people.

There’s a big fireworks show just after sundown. It starts to get windy and a bit chilly, so Dean grabs the nearest pride flag and wraps it around himself. Cas, the perpetual freak who just doesn’t feel temperature apparently, is wearing a t-shirt and shorts and smiling at him unabashedly.

“What?”

“That’s the bisexual flag.”

So it is. “Shut up,” Dean says, but he’s smiling too. “You want in on this?”

He doesn’t wait for Cas to respond before he wraps it around his shoulders as well. The fireworks continue.

“You know,” Cas says after a beat. “As beautiful as they are, pyrotechnics are extremely damaging to the environment.”

Dean can’t help but laugh because of course, Cas would say something like that in a moment like this. He laughs and laughs and regrets being the only one to have heard that; then again, he’s the only one who could’ve found that funny.

He laughs a bit more, wipes a tear, and sees that Cas is still just solemnly watching the show.

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?” He replies and then turns his head.

Dean wants to kiss him. He wants to kiss him so bad. Then he remembers where he is, physically and in his life right now, realizes whom he’s surrounded by at this very second, and decides that he can.

So he does. It’s not unlike the way he kissed Cas when they rescued him from the Empty. Granted, there’s less sweat, blood, adrenaline. But just like that day, they’re both on the ground, and the gesture catches Cas by surprise. Just like that day, Dean pulls Cas in gently by the back of his neck and there’s no hesitance or fear. Just like that day, he just does it, presses their lips firmly together, and relishes in the taste of Castiel, in the feeling of the person he loves most in this world kissing him back.

The one big difference is this: that day marked the beginning of the rest of his life. Today? Today is just Dean’s first Pride.

350 notes · View notes

literatikoo · 3 years

Text

Jess Mariano's alleged communication problems

If there is one thing the Gilmore Girls fandom agrees upon, whether you're team Jess or Dean or Logan, it's that Jess isn't great at communicating. There's just a consensus that he's not great at discussing his problems and that's the number 1 reason why his and Rory's relationship blew up in their face in season 3. But... this is a (somewhat) unfounded complaint? Don't get me wrong, I know Jess can be harsh and rude and really knows how to hit the nail on the head sometimes but there are also multiple instances where he talks after being pushed a little. Like every single time he's talked to Luke about Rory problems ("The girls I like don't give a damn about me," "I told her I loved her" and the infamous swan episode) or when he tells Rory, a girl he barely knows, that his mom doesn't want him back for Christmas.

The problem with Jess is that he picks and chooses who to communicate too. He definitely doesn't talk about Liz to Luke because he knows that Luke just doesn't believe that Liz is a bad person and a neglectful mother. And seriously, we've seen Luke enable Liz' terrible behaviour multiple times on the show, do you really think he would've believed whatever Jess had to say about her? He talks to Rory about Liz that one time and she doesn't believe him either and both we and Jess know that she has a right to that because she's never met Liz, but this is still enough for Jess to never bring her up again (at least from what we see) because he's a 17 year old kid with a terrible relationship with his parents. NO 17 year old kid who's been treated bad by their parents would want to open up about it because it's pretty strongly ingrained in us that having negative emotions against your parents is WRONG. On the other hand, Jess knows that Luke sees his and Rory's relationship and may even help because he has his own unique relationship with the Gilmore Girls, which is why he's much more open about Rory and even seeks advice on occasion.

Now, let's talk about Jess' less than stellar communication moments:

1. Lying about school and Walmart: Jess skives off school a LOT to work at Walmart and save up money. He doesn't tell anyone about it. Why? Because for everyone else in Stars Hollow, and for most of us too, school is important and education is a positive thing needed for growth. But who knows how often Jess went to school before SH, we already know he has a bad relationship with the educational system but why? When he goes back to NY in s2 it's obvious he's not going to school and we know Liz moved around a lot so he may be a lot more behind in school than we know. Yes, he's smart and he reads a lot but that's not enough to do well in school; you need to be able to conform a fair amount and I don't think Jess even went enough to know that. Jess already wasn't planning on going to college and he knows that living with Luke is temporary, which is why he puts more importance into saving up money. He was already working for the future, just in a different way from everyone else. It's obvious that he also wasn't planning to flunk out of school, it happened because he wasn't attending enough not because he was failing (which pisses me off so much don't even get me started). He was going to graduate and then he was going to use the money he saved up while looking for a job that suited him. And that's a pretty solid plan honestly, especially since he didn't have the luxury to suddenly decide to go to 4 year college because his girlfriend told him too like Dean. But this is something else he just couldn't talk about to Luke or Rory, who both think he's capable of great things within the academic sphere. Mind you, once Luke found out he was skipping school he didn't deal with things in the best way either. He stole his car, effectively cutting off Jess' last bit of independence. I really feel like Jess was just waiting to graduate before he had THE talk with Rory about their future, and it was obvious he was thinking longterm ("22.8 miles"). That is before everything goes to shit.

2. Keg! Max!: Let me preface this by saying that Jess definitely made irreversible mistakes in this episode... but it wasn't for the lack of trying. This is the episode that he finds out he's not graduating and we can see him struggling with this information, he's tense and angry and his emotions are simmering. His interactions with Rory, which are usually so easygoing, are surrounded by this air of finality. At this moment, he knows he's going to lose her and his home with Luke because that's what the deal was. But he still goes with her to that party and he still does the bare minimum of mingling. Throughout the party he tells Rory that he wants to leave, I'm guessing to talk to her about what happened. But they don't (this is NOT Rory's fault btw, she had no way to know what happened either) and instead Jess' emotions get the better of him. This is the first of the two instances where we really see how non communicative Jess can be. However I still maintain that if Dean hadn't gotten involved, Jess and Rory would've been able to talk. (fuck Dean)

3. Jess leaves: This is the second case where we see him being truly non communicative, and unfortunately I don't have much to say in his defence. Except that he probably was still reeling from losing his home and meeting his Dad and just didn't know how to put that insane amount of emotion into words. He also probably thought that Rory just didn't want to talk to him anymore because of how terribly he treated her, especially since he was just going to give her more bad news. He could see himself self destructing, and didn't want Rory to be collateral damage.

4. Smaller instances (Swan song, Not calling Rory, fighting with Lorelai): Okay, I think the swan incident was Rory's fault, because he was telling her the truth and just didn't want to get into it in front of Emily. But she wasn't ready to hear it until she talked to Dean, which honestly was a sucky move on her part. The not calling her when he said he would while they were dating in that one random episode was also a similar misunderstanding. The thing in common with both of these instances was that he was ready to learn afterwards; he said he was willing to go back to Emily's house and he bought them tickets to the Distillers and from what the show tells us they had a lot more consistent date nights after that. This was Jess' first proper relationship and he was really trying. Now the Lorelai thing... he just didn't want her in his business. They had no relation to each other and she was very condescending to him the first time they met, he wasn't great either but when an adult talks to you the way she did after you've just been uprooted at your mothers whims, you tend to hate them a little. And honestly I always thought that Jess being weirded out by Lorelai's involvement in his and Rory's relationship was more normal 17 year old behaviour than Dean being overly friendly with her.

So, in conclusion, because he made two big fatal communication mistakes, he's labelled as the broody non talking type. When we see most of the characters actually do the same (Rory drops out of Yale and cuts off ties with her mother, Lorelai sleeps with Christopher after months of miscommunication with Luke, Luke doesn't tell Lorelai, his fiance, that he has a daughter), seriously, they've all made mistakes and this doesn't diminish the mistakes that Jess has made and the hurt he has caused, but he also doesn't deserve to have non communicative as a personality trait. If it was seriously that big of a problem, he wouldn't have been able to grow from it that quickly (by the end of s4) and by reading self help books of all things. I also think it comes off like that because he was in the show for so little time, and that's what the writers chose to focus on.

So tldr, Jess isn't as non communicative as the show wants us to believe and he definitely isn't broody.

#gilmore girls #gilmore girls meta #jess mariano #rory gilmore #luke danes #liz danes #lorelai gilmore #literati #character meta #jess mariano meta #anti dean forrester #not really but my entire blog is anti dean forrester so

136 notes · View notes

lxngbottom · 3 years

Text

Mute | N.L.

in which the reader doesn’t talk, and neville tries to change that.

warnings: bullying, swearing, mentions of mental illness/anxiety, some angst (let me know if there are more!)

word count: 2,298

thank you for all of the love on my last two one shots!! it means so much ty ty okay now enjoy

—

“trauma, maybe? my dad’s friend who’s a muggle doctor said that trauma can completely change a person.”

there the three boys were again, sitting at the gryffindor table in the great hall, trying to understand the girl who would always sit ways away from everyone else.

“maybe she’s just really shy!” dean quickly replied, shooting down seamus’s suggestion. seamus shrugged, and took a large gulp of his morning pumpkin juice.

“no! longbottom is “shy”, but y/n? i haven’t heard her say one single thing since second year.”

neville listened in on his friend’s conversation, only letting his eyes leave them when he went to take quick glances at the girl of the hour.

y/n was to put it into simple terms... mute. it was very difficult to hear her utter a single vowel, let along a whole statement. everyone at hogwarts knew that she was not just quiet or shy, but completely silent. people wondered how one person could go without speaking for so long. she was a bit jittery, seemingly nervous all the time. if someone shot a single look at her and she noticed, she would look away without even giving the person a chance to smile or wave.

weirdly, she had always been this way. since the first day of first year, she kept to herself, not even attempting on taking the chance of getting to know someone who might become a life long friend. it really got under people’s skin when they asked her a question, and she just simply wouldn’t respond. so, this caused for students to completely avoid her. it seemed that it was a collective agreement among the school that no one should even try speaking to her. and that was because, again, they would never get a reply.

out of these students, neville longbottom seemed to be the most intrigued. he would never forget the first time he heard her speak. it was one day in third year, of course neville was clumsily making his way down the hallway. as he did so, he didn’t notice that y/n was walking straight for him. and of course, she didn’t notice him either until they both crashed into each other’s bodies. neville fell back onto the ground, letting a small huff escape from his lips. surrounding students cackled at the two as they continued walking. when he looked up, he saw the panic in her eyes and the way she quickly reached down to get her books.

“uh—merlin... sorry about that...” he stuttered, reaching down as well to help her. she glanced at him, but quickly looked away when he noticed. of course, she stayed silent. “are you alright?”

she nodded her head, and stood up with the books in her hand. “yeah. thanks.” and with that, she rushed away from him, not even giving him a chance to say one more word.

he would never forget it. the way her voice was so soft and fragile. he had honestly wished he could hear it more.

admittedly, neville felt bad for her. every time he looked at her, something nagged at him about the girl. every time she got called out in class to answer a question, he would panic for her as her face would drop.

she looked so lonely. she would sit in the back of the class always. he had seen her in the library quite often, just reading, sitting all alone at a table. he hated that she seemed so alone.

he wanted to change that.

—

the day was quiet. only the sounds of birds outside and the wind blowing through the trees on the castle grounds. saturdays were always the perfect days for going to the library, studying, or just to read a good book. that was y/n’s plans consisted of most of the time.

y/n made her way through the large halls, waving discreetly to the paintings on the wall. it seemed as if the lively pictures were the only people that ever respected her, told her hello as she walked by.

her fingers were tightly grasped around two books, as she was planning on returning both of them. her face didn’t show it, but she was quite excited to find two more books to add to her reading list. reading had always been considered an easy escape to y/n. pages filled with so many words, but told so many different stories. stories about love, heartbreak, dragons, princesses, noble wizards, y/n enjoyed all of it.

as she daydreamed about her next book, she hadn’t noticed the small group of students exchanging glances and laughing as they saw her approaching. before she knew it, her books were being slapped out of her hand, and hit the ground with a loud noise.

she looked up finally and saw draco malfoy standing right in front of her, hands in his pockets, chuckling with all of his friends from his choice of action against her.

“you gotta be quicker than that, mute!” he teased, and y/n bent down to grab the two books. when she stood up and met eyes with him again, he shook his head at her. “can’t think of a good comeback? or are you just too scared to say anything?”

she held the books tight to her chest, trembling from malfoy’s presence.

“thought so. see you around, mute.” he spat her way, but not forgetting to bump into her figure as he walked away, his friends following behind him.

y/n sighed, and turned around to make sure they were completely gone.

she started her journey once again, making her way to her sanctuary that people called the library.

when she arrived, she returned her books to madam prince silently, and this didn’t shock the librarian whatsoever. she was used to y/n coming in, checking out countless books, and checking them out and returning them muted.

as y/n skimmed the aisles, she came to the conclusion that she would once again read one of her favorite books. she had read it about seven times, but she could never get over how beautifully written it was. it was truly the best thing she had ever laid her eyes on, and she knew she would probably read it once more after this time around.

but when she went over the familiar bookshelf, the book in question wasn’t in the place it always was. she furrowed her eyes brows, and checked the rest of the shelves near just to make sure it hadn’t been misplaced. but of course, it was no where to be found.

malfoy had provided her with a sour experience already that day, and now she couldn’t even check out her favorite book? she already knew where this day was going, and she frowned in disappointment at the thought.

y/n had settled on some other fantasy novel that seemed to acquire to her taste. she checked it out, and made her way to the back of the library. she always went where it was secluded, almost no one else but her present. but little did she know, behind all the shelves she was walking by, someone followed her.

she finally found a small table to sit down at, and she did so with relief. it always made her so nervous to think that she might have to actually sit with other people one day. but luckily, that day wasn’t today. or so she thought.

because as a few minutes went by, and her eyes were glued to the book pages in front of her, she heard a chair being pushed. she looked up, and met eyes with neville longbottom. he shot her a small smile before speaking,

“can i sit here? it’s okay if not, everywhere else just feels a bit stuffy.”

she stared at his features for a moment, thinking back to the day when she bumped into him in the hallway. she gave him a single nod, and luckily, he didn’t miss it.

as he sat down in front of her, she gulped heavily. she hated being around others, even in a peaceful place such as a library.

a few minutes went by, the silence filling in the gap between the two. neville would glance at her a few times over his book, and she seemingly seemed lost in her own world. but at some point, she finally did look away from the words on the pages. she looked at the book he was “reading”, and noticed the familiar cover. if she hadn’t caught herself, she would’ve let out an audible gasp.

he had her book.

she seemed to be staring for too long, because neville looked at her.

“have you read this before?” he suddenly asked, snapping her back into reality. “it’s actually pretty good. i’m not big on fantasy, but this isn’t too bad.”

yeah, it’s an amazing book. she knew that very well.

but of course, she didn’t express that into words for neville. she only snapped her eyes back to her book, and neville frowned a bit.

did he say something wrong? he thought for sure that this was her favorite book. i mean, he had seen her with it more times than he could keep track of, so he could only assume.

“what’s that you’re reading? is it good?”

she looked up at him through hooded eyes, still not budging.

“well, anyways... i’m more of a herbology book lover. i love learning new things about plants. i think it’s really cool...”

y/n felt herself becoming confused, and almost bothered. she knew who neville was, but couldn’t understand why he was attempting to spark a conversation with her.

“i noticed that you like to read,” he mentioned, and y/n finally looked at him fully. “i mean—i see you here a lot, and you’re always reading from what i can tell. what’s your favorite genre?”

as neville attempted to get the girl to speak, he closed his book without looking. he realized that was a mistake when the heavy book closed onto his finger, and he let out a loud yelp.

as much as y/n tried, she couldn’t hold in the small giggle that fell from her lips. she covered her mouth in an attempt to hide it, but neville’s ears caught it.

“oh, you think my suffering is funny, huh?” neville joked, smiling out of triumph. she hadn’t spoke, but she laughed. and neville swore it was the most angelic thing he had ever heard.

she shook her head at his question, her cheeks turning a dark red from embarrassment. she had hoped he was okay, but nonetheless, it was funny.

the whole time they were in the library, neville rambled on about random things. he had brought up his interests in plants, making sure not to over explain his love for them. he talked about books, and random things that had happened to him and his friends during his time at hogwarts. he was making it his number one goal to get her to talk at least once.

but as darkness began to fall, and as curfew approached quicker and quicker by the minute, he hadn’t succeeded. he was quite shy at the fact that he had just sat in the library all day rambling to someone who never even spoke back. she had seemed to be listening, which took him by surprise. he had never had someone to listen to him as he spoke, let along not interrupt him in a conversation.

as much as she hated to admit it, y/n had a good time herself. she loved the way neville talked, how he explained things so deeply and with so much detail. he never seemed to miss a beat in a conversation, even if it was practically with himself. it made her realize that she wish she had the strength to speak. she wished she could respond to his questions without feeling her stomach churning.

the two left the library, their bags draped over their shoulders as they walked. y/n still had two books clutched into her hand, as she has checked out a random herbology book before leaving. neville smiled when she did so, feeling giddy inside that he had managed to spark an interest in her.

“that book is really good! it’s all about water plants! which are really cool, by the way. you should read up on gillyweed! it’s this really cool plant that—“ when he went to ramble on once more, he stopped himself. “never mind. i think i’ve talked a bit too much, today. wouldn’t you agree?”

for some reason, y/n wanted him to keep talking. it filled the silence that she considered her serenity, and she enjoyed every last word he spoke.

“well... i think this is where we part ways. do you need me to walk you back?” he asked, secretly hoping that she would say yes. but, she shook her head no. he was greatly dissatisfied, but, he tried his best to understand.

“oh, okay. well... goodnight, y/n. maybe we can hang out in the library some other time.”

he smiled at her, not expecting a word, but only catching a glimpse at the red that rose to the tips of her ears.

neville began to walk away, feeling a bit defeated.

suddenly, something that neville never wouldn’t expected:

“goodnight.”

he stopped in his place, and turned around. she covered her mouth with her books, but neville could tell that she was smiling. he couldn’t believe that the word had left her mouth.

“goodnight, y/n.” he repeated, and she shot him a smile before walking in the other direction. a genuine smile. the first one he had ever seen besides from her giggling.

he wanted to hear that voice, and those giggles more than she could ever have guessed.

#harry potter #neville longbottom #neville longbottom imagine #neville x reader #neville longbottom smut #harry potter imagine #harry potter smut

393 notes · View notes

fantasmalresplendent · 3 years

Text

Dean died at the ripe old age of 85.

In his lucid moments during the days leading up to his passing, in which Dean was just as sharp and as bright as he was fifty years ago, he remarked that people must think he’d robbed the cradle with a “hot piece” such as Castiel hanging around him.

“You don’t mind that I’m a wrinkly, senile, crotchety old bastard?” Dean had asked, more than once, but he had always said it with a smile. And Castiel would smile back, replying with the same answer the answer many times, in many ways:

“You’re not senile.”

“Old, but not a bastard.”

“I thought I was the crotchety one.”

“I don’t mind.”

Then Dean would smile, and it would light up the room, and Castiel would wonder again how he came to deserve the focus, let alone the affection, of such a man.

“It’s not about deserving, Cas,” Dean had said, half-whispered in the middle of the night a few short months after they had begun to share the bed they laid in. “It’s… fuck, well I don’t know what it’s about. But people don’t get what they deserve, not most of the time.”

Castiel frowned, furrowing his brows. “They should,” he grumbled.

“Well if people got what they deserved, they’d… I don’t know, Sam would’ve actually become a lawyer, stayed in school. Jo, Ellen, Bobby, they’d all still be here. I’d get mauled by a werewolf or something, go out with a bang, and Baby,” Dean said sternly, as though chastising the universe itself for such an injustice, “Would never get so much as a scratch on her.”

“You think that’s what you deserve?” Castiel’s voice was soft, not wanting to disturb the still of the night, but steely as he considered even the possibility of Dean’s violent end.

Dean registered that, swallowing, “I don’t know. I guess I just never thought I’d even make it this far. Hunters have the shortest lifespans of any human subspecies,” Dean cracked a smile, but his heart wasn’t in the joke. Castiel knew Dean was doing the math in his head. He knew Dean was mentally recalling how long it had been since Bobby left for heaven. Tallying up the number of people who were gone because of self-sacrifice, mistakes, pure dumb luck. Counting exactly how many years he had outlived his own mother.

Castiel had wrapped his arms around Dean then, embracing him, surrounding him, and they curled into each other completely. Burying himself in Castiel’s neck, Dean had never felt so close to him, and yet so far away. “You don’t have to follow the same patterns if you don’t want to, Dean,” Castiel stated, as if it were that easy. “Do you want to?”

“Want to what?”

“Get mauled by a werewolf?”

Dean sniffed in laughter, and that was answer enough.

Castiel found himself stroking Dean’s hair, an action he felt suited him. He thought for a moment in the stillness and in the space between their breaths. “Maybe it’s idealistic of me, but I still think people should get what they deserve. Even- no, especially you.”

Dean took his time answering, opening his mouth several times before actually saying, “Sometimes I don’t think I know what I deserve.”

“I guess we’ll just have to figure that out together then. We have time,” Castiel kissed Dean’s forehead and he sighed at the touch. “We have plenty of time. Heaven will wait for you, no matter how long.”

Dean looked up at him then with a pout, “You sound pretty confident in that statement for a dude who hasn’t shown up to heavenly chorus practice in a few years.”

Castiel smiled, “I’d rather be here with you. Always have.”

The man blushed. “Well, if I go… I mean, wherever I go… Where will you end up?”

“I could go with you.”

“Where?”

Castiel closed the distance between them fully, thumbing across Dean’s cheek as they kissed. “Anywhere. If you want me there, I will be there, whether it’s here or heaven. I’ll be there.”

“For how long?”

“For however long you want me to be.”

Dean kissed back, his fingers tangling in Castiel’s hair. “Yeah. Okay.”

Sam went not long after Dean. It wasn’t a surprise; it was his time as well. His children were grown, his grandchildren almost grown, Castiel knew they’d miss him but that they’d be all right. And they knew to call on “Uncle Cas” if they weren’t, even the little ones who didn’t understand exactly how they were related, or why Great Uncle Dean's husband was only about as old as their parents.

“I mean I love the little gremlins,” Dean had said, cracking open a beer after a long few days of babysitting Sam and Eileen's girls while the expecting parents were in the hospital. He was exhausted, they both were, but beaming from meeting the newest member of the Winchester clan: a healthy baby boy named Robert. “But have you seen Sam’s house? Goddamn mess in there.”

“You… don’t want to have some of your own?” Castiel had asked carefully, taking the beer Dean held out for him.

“You’re making them sound like trading cards. I don’t know, I- I guess I never thought too hard about it.” Castiel could tell this was a lie by the way Dean didn’t quite meet his eyes. “Wouldn’t know what to do with a kid if I had one.”

“Do you think you’d be a good father?”

Castiel had met John Winchester, in Hell. Well, he hadn’t exactly met him. He had really only passed by John’s cell, stole a glance at the infamous hunter on his way to retrieve Dean’s soul. He’d never told Dean what he saw, they were not close enough at the time. He wasn’t sure if Dean would even want to know. Castiel had almost spoken about it many times, but whenever Dean talked about John, “Dad,” a look crossed over his face, sometimes for only a second. A furrowing of brows, a tight smile, a quick transition to happier subjects.

The same look crossed over Dean’s face as soon as Castiel had asked the question.

“Wow. Um, loaded question there, Cas.”

He waited for Dean to meet his eyes before continuing, “I think you would be.”

“Do- wait,” Dean shook his head, trying to understand where Castiel was going with all of this, “Do you want kids?”

“I want you to live a normal life, Dean. I want to be able to give you what you want.”

“Okay, lots of stuff to unpack here. First of all, a normal life isn’t and never was an option,” Dean leaned back against the counter, “I think we can agree on that. Second of all, you didn’t answer my question.”

“...And third of all?” Castiel prompted.

“No, second of all first. Do you want kids?”

Castiel sighed, taking a swig of his beer, considering his words. “I’m an angel, Dean-”

“Is that so!” Dean raised his eyebrows, then squinted as if in deep thought, “Weird, somehow I never noticed.”

That deserved a well-placed eyeroll, but Castiel still had a point to make. “We don’t- I’m just trying to…” he set his beer down. “I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter, what matters is that I would love and care for a child, if it were ours. If we decided that was something we wanted, I would be so happy to raise them, with you. I’d be terrified,” Castiel admitted, “At the enormous and important responsibility, but I would love doing it, if… if it was with you. I just want you to know that, I guess,” Castiel shrugged, “I don’t want you to think it’s not an option for us, if you want it to be.”

“Okay…” Dean was thinking, swirling the beer around his glass. He pointed the mouth at Castiel, “You’re still avoiding my question,” Castiel really rolled his eyes this time, “But I don’t really think it’s for me, all that white picket fence stuff. If you really wanted a kid, I would definitely hit the library and read all those, I don’t know, fucking parenting guides, and take the Mommy and Me classes, whatever. And I think you’d be a good father, better than me, I’d just let them eat gummy worms and shoot slingshots.”

“Children love gummy worms. They listen and will behave better when offered gummy worms,” Castiel knew this for a fact from very recent personal experience, “I don’t see how gummy worms could pose an issue. Slingshots, however-”

“Okay so maybe I’m overestimating your abilities a little,” Dean held up a hand, “But still, I… I like this,” he gestured to the space between them and around them, “I like us. I like waking up to a clean kitchen and sleeping in on weekends. I like not having to ask more than one person whether or not I can take a drive by myself or crank my music really loud at midnight. And I fucking hate Paw Patrol.”

Castiel smiled.

“Sam and Eileen always need babysitters. That’s good enough for me right now.”

“You’ll tell me though, if this is something you really want,” Castiel insisted, “If you think about it and decide something else.”

“Sure.”

“Promise.”

“Okay, fine, I promise,” Dean took a step forward and leaned in for a kiss then. Castiel could taste the beer on Dean’s tongue and sighed. Dean smiled against Castiel’s lips, lowering his voice to a comical level, “We could, uh, you know, try and make some babies,” Dean waggled his eyebrows and Castiel pushed Dean’s laughing face away, but grabbed his hand, turning towards their room.

They hadn’t spoken about it again, not seriously anyway. They got a dog. Dean opened a vintage car garage. Castiel learned how to bake. They took long road trips to the beaches in California, wandered through roadside attractions like Carhenge in Nebraska and Cadillac Ranch in Texas. They bought decidedly way too much merchandise at Oklahoma’s National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum. And maybe they killed the occasional vampire, the wayward poltergeist, but the occasions became less and less. There were younger, more spry hunters on the road now, always welcome at the bunker to look through their library or ask advice on a particularly troublesome spirit. Sam even coerced Dean into holding what became a yearly “conference,” “What are we, a tech startup?” for the next generation of hunters to learn from the legendary brothers.

So maybe they spent more time at home than on the road, but home suited them. Routine suited them like Castiel never could have predicted it would. It wasn’t a white picket fence, but it wasn’t a lonely highway either. Dean would joke about how “boring” they’d become, but Castiel reveled in the repetition. The three hundredth time Dean brought Castiel coffee in bed was just as lovely as the third. The five hundredth time Castiel cooked dinner passed without fanfare, though Dean hugging him from behind, chin hooked over Castiel’s shoulder as he whisked, felt like fanfare enough. The one thousandth kiss they shared was in their bed, lazily breathing each other in as the first beams of sunlight shone through the window after a week of straight rain. Home, a thing he and Dean had never known in their youth, held the majority of their most precious, most banal memories. But still, Castiel always looked forward to those moments speeding down a desert highway when Dean would reach for his hand, turn his head to meet Castiel’s eyes, and smile.

Time took its time with them.

It seemed the opposite with Sam’s children, who grew up faster than Castiel could keep track of. And as they grew from waddling toddlers to full-fledged human beings, Castiel was fascinated, enamored, but Dean was simply proud. He attended their tournaments, their decathlons. He went to their graduations, weddings, barbecues, and Castiel went with him. They took the kids to concerts and movies, parks and shooting ranges, and Castiel never got tired of the smile on Dean’s face when they threw their small arms around Dean’s neck and called him their “Cool Uncle.” “Hear that, Cas? That means you’re the No Fun Uncle. The No-Funcle.”

And as the crowned Cool Uncle, he teased Sam mercilessly about his minivan and his “#1 Dad” mugs, but Castiel knew how proud Dean was of him too. How glad he was that Sam got the future he wanted, and how grateful he was that that future included him.

The brothers still fought. They still bickered, pranked, and glowered. Sam complained that Dean let his kids use power tools too young when they visited, and Dean complained that Sam’s kids were too old to have never heard “Stairway to Heaven.” The usual, the routine, many times over. But they never lied to each other, at least not about the important things, not anymore. And Castiel was welcome in Sam and Eileen’s house and lives, an honor he felt he didn’t deserve, but as Dean said, maybe it wasn’t about deserving.

It was Eileen who noticed Castiel first as he entered the hospital room the day he'd been informed that Sam Winchester was finally coming home. He didn't have to tell Eileen; she saw it on Castiel's face. They’d already spoken, he’d prepared her for the eventuality a few days prior. Eileen smiled, looking back at her husband, teasing him lightly, but Castiel knew she was holding back on her usual snark because Sam looked, well, tired. Turning away from Sam, Eileen signed, “Are you here for him?”

Castiel shook his head. “No, but someone will be here soon.”

“You mean they haven’t given you reaper duty yet?” Sam joked from his horizontal position, speaking and signing with his usual quick wit, but not with his usual articulation. Castiel had seen him argue with Dean for fifty years like it was his job, he was accustomed to the precision with which Sam had always wielded his words. Not today.

“I don’t think I’d be very good at it,” Castiel stepped closer so that Sam wouldn’t have to crane his head, “I’m not very persuasive.”

“No kidding,” Sam shakily clasped Castiel’s hand and grinned. “I’m surprised Dean even went with you.”

“It took less persuading than you’d think.”

“How is he?” Eileen asked, but she was smiling, so she knew the answer.

“He’s good,” Castiel smiled back, “Getting what he deserves.”

Sam smirked, but his head sunk back into his pillow as if relieved. “And I bet he’s complaining about it non-stop. Asshole never knew how to take a vacation.”

“Neither do you,” Eileen levelled her husband with a fond look.

“We’ve taken vacations!”

“You always wanted to go somewhere exotic and then you’d just end up in the library. Remember Berlin?”

“They had… well I wasn’t going to find those editions in America, and-”

Sam and Eileen bickered for a bit, and Castiel did end up backing Eileen’s points more often than not, so eventually Sam recognized that he was outnumbered on this particular case.

Castiel bid his goodbyes just in time as the nurse entered the room to check Sam’s vitals. Her tone was cheerful, but Castiel could tell that she too knew what was coming.

“Well… I’ll see you soon, buddy, huh?” Sam smiled at Castiel as confidently as he could muster for Eileen’s sake, but Castiel knew behind those laugh lines Sam wasn’t so sure of himself. Castiel supposed that worry wasn’t to be unexpected from a chosen one of Hell, Lucifer's vessel, the boy Castiel had once called an “abomination.”

But Castiel smiled, giving Sam’s shoulder one last firm squeeze. “You will.”

When Dean died, at the ripe old age of 85, he knew what to expect.

He’d visited heaven before. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Not an exciting place, but exciting wasn’t necessarily good. Hell had been exciting, and he was in no hurry to return there. Purgatory had been exciting in a different way, years later he swore the stench still lingered on his skin. Sometimes, when he would lose himself in his “senior moments,” he thought he was back in that bloody in between. Or back in hell. Or had gone to heaven. “Times and places are difficult to navigate when your brain’s turning into gummy worms,” he told Cas once. He didn’t remember saying this a few hours later, but that didn’t make it any less true.

His brain was sure full of them gummy worms now as he clung to his body and to his life. He wasn’t completely sure where he was. Bobby’s? The bunker? His childhood home? Sammy had come to see him earlier, at least the kid had looked like Sammy… No, fuck, that was his grand-nephew, Cas had reminded him of that. Sam, his brother Sam, was in the next room. That's right, he’d told the asshole to give him some space, stop smothering him. He sort of wished he was here now though. And Cas, Cas was here, he knew that, but only because the angel was right in front of him. Cas, his friend, was holding Dean’s hand, talking about what their grand-nieces and nephews were doing in school. Dean could swear he already knew these things, but they still sounded new when Cas said them.

Dean looked over at him, and Cas was smiling.

He tried to speak, but the words stuck in his throat. Cas helped him swallow some cool water. Dean cleared his throat, “Bet you’ve been waiting for this for a while.”

Castiel cocked his head, the smile fading. Fifty some odd years and he still had that same confused look. “Waiting for what?”

“Me to beef it, finally. I know this hasn’t been easy, watching me… seeing me like…” Dean took a shallow breath. “No matter where I go next, at least I won’t be a senile senior citizen.”

“Dean,” Cas said, rubbing the back of Dean’s liver spot-covered hand, “Please listen to me very carefully.”

“Got my hearing aids in, go ahead,” Dean joked.

Cas smiled softly again. “It has been the greatest privilege of my life, my existence, to watch you grow old. I feel honored that you allowed me to experience that. Time’s different for me too,” Cas kissed Dean’s hand, “Space and time were never precious to me, not in the stretch of infinity. Not until you. Not until I was able to see you live your life and live it well.”

Tears welled in the corners of Dean’s eyes. He furiously tried to blink them away, but Cas was already there, dabbing carefully with a handkerchief. “I’m… I’m scared, Cas. I know I shouldn’t be, I’ve seen it all. I’ve beefed it a few times already. But maybe that’s why I’m scared? Because… I know what comes next. What could come next. And this is it, right? No more resets?”

Cas nodded.

Dean took a deep, shuddering breath. “If I don’t end up in heaven-”

“You will.”

“If I don’t, that’s fine, maybe it’s what I deserve, and that’s fair. But… will I see you again?”

“Dean,” Cas said sadly, but with his trademarked firmness, “You are going to paradise. And if for some reason, a completely incorrect and insane reason, you don’t? I dragged your soul out of the flames once, I will do it again. I would do it as many times as I needed to.”

Dean shook his head slightly, “Not fair.”

“It’s not about fair. It’s about the truth. Whether you believe it or not, ET goes home.”

Dean chuckled weakly. He was tired. He didn’t want to let go. He wanted to let go so badly.

He felt the bed move as Cas climbed under the covers with him. The angel curled around him, enveloping him. Dean could swear he felt the brush of feathers cradling him and pulling him closer, but he couldn’t muster the ability to reach for them, stroke them like he used to. “Sleep, Dean. I’ll be here when you wake up. Wherever, whenever here is. That’s where I’ll be. Wherever you go, I’ll go with you.”

“Swear?”

Castiel kissed his forehead. “I swear.”

Dean opened his eyes.

The phrase, “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore” popped into his head, but he suspected, greatly, that he was, in fact, in Kansas. The blowing fields of wheat tipped him off to that.

No, wait. That wasn’t a field, it was a… sandy beach. It looked kind of like that beach he and Cas had stumbled upon driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, what was it called? The one where they’d had to hike down from the lookout point? The one where after they’d trudged back up the trail, they’d sat in the car and looked out over the sea as the sun set? The one where Castiel had smiled at him and the light glinted in his blue eyes and Dean had kissed Cas for the first time ever because he just couldn’t stop himself?

Muir Beach, Dean remembered, blushing at the memory.

But just as soon as he’d reached the end of that thought, it wasn’t the ocean anymore. It was a lake. On the lake was a pier. He’d seen that pier before, couldn’t remember exactly where though.

Then without warning, but without alarm, Dean saw someone standing on the end of the dock. A young man with light brown hair and a sweet smile Dean would recognize anywhere.

Jack waved, walking up casually, “Hey, Dean.”

Dean grinned and pulled him into a solid hug. “Jack. I missed you buddy, how have you been? Where, uh… are we in…”

Jack chucked, “I think you know where we are.”

“Yeah, but I don’t know know, this could… I could be dreaming or some shit, and I guess even in a dream you could say whatever I wanted you to say, so-”

“Dean,” Jack stopped him, “This is heaven. You are in heaven.”

A relieved but small smile spread over Dean’s face. “Cool…”

“I’m not usually here to meet people who pass on, but we weren’t going to miss your arrival.”

“We?”

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean turned around. There was Cas, beaming at him.

“Cas…” Dean reached to embrace him too, only now noticing that the hands that reached out were not as wrinkled as they’d been when he last saw them. He hugged Cas tightly, relieved more than he wanted to admit. “You’re here.”

“I’m here,” Cas’s hand went to Dean’s cheek, holding him in a kiss. They separated, foreheads resting against each other. Cas’s eyes twinkled, “We had an appointment.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean took a step back, seeing Jack grinning out of the corner of his eye. “Is, uh… is anyone else coming? Or is this the welcoming party?”

“They’re all waiting for you,” Cas put his hand down, and as he did, it was stopped mid-air, as if resting on something solid. Dean blinked, and there was Baby, new as the day she was made, parked on a long, long road that stretched far out of sight. “Any time you’re ready,” Cas tossed something in Dean’s direction, “we can go.”

Dean caught the keys on instinct, they jingled on the simple ring.

Any time you’re ready, we can go.

He twirled them around the end of his finger a couple times, a thought itching at his brain. Or a couple dozen thoughts.

Cas gave him a look, then turned to Jack, “Could you give us a moment?”

“Yeah, I’ll go get everything ready,” Jack blipped out.

“Get what ready?” Dean asked.

“Dean,” he turned around to face Cas whose brows were knit in worry, bright blue eyes narrowed, “Are you okay?” Dean realized he hadn’t seen Cas clearly for a few years, not since before the cataracts. He’d never gotten completely used to that piercing gaze.

Dean blinked. “Yeah, I… I just… I’m here. Really here.”

“Yes, Dean.”

“And… you’re here.”

Cas gave him that look like he was being patient on purpose, “Yes, Dean.”

“And… fuck,” Dean stood at sudden attention, “I left Sam down there, is he okay?”

Catching Dean's hands in his own, Cas rubbed comforting circles into Dean's skin. "Sam is fine. He was there when you left. That's why I was a little late, Eileen had only just gotten home and I didn't want to leave before she could be there beside him.

"Okay," Dean took a deep breath, concentrating on the physical contact, grounding himself in Cas’s movements, "Okay. I mean I know he's gonna be fine, he was always fine without me," Dean said, almost to himself.

"And you'll see him soon."

The abrupt return of Dean’s panicked look made Cas smile a little, shake his head, "Not that soon, Dean. Don't worry."

"Right. Of course, yeah,” Dean looked around, down the road, the back to his car, out past the waving grain that had returned inexplicably. “Well,” Dean flashed what he thought was a very convincing smile, letting Cas’s hands go as he tossed the keys once and caught them, heading towards the car, “Time to hit the road, huh?”

"Wait,” the suspicious squint was back as Cas caught Dean’s arm, “Something else is bothering you."

Dean turned around, and the ocean was back. The ocean he’d taken a trip to see, had selfishly insisted Cas come along for the ride for.

He sighed. "I just…” Dean ran a hand through his hair, “I don't know, I guess it just don't sit right that I’m… I'm gonna see Mom and Bobby and Jo and Charlie and… everyone. How am I going to look them in the face and not feel guilty that I got decades that they’ll never have? And what did I do with that time, sit on my ass? Judge local car shows? Go to freaking baseball games?"

Cas nodded slowly, simply listening. He then hopped up and sat on the hood of the Impala, shoes and all. Dean shot him an offended look.

“She’s a memory of a car, Dean,” Cas rolled his eyes, “She isn’t going to dent.” He patted the spot next to him.

Dean hesitated, but under Cas’s stare, relented. When he was settled, Castiel laced their fingers together.

“I’ve been trying to convince you for all the time I’ve known you that you’re worthy. That you deserved to be saved. That you deserved to rest.” Cas looked down at their entwined hands, “I don’t think I ever really succeeded.”

“Sorry,” Dean muttered.

“You don’t have to apologize. I know you’ve been doing a thankless job ever since you carried Sam out of your burning home. Shit, even before that,” Dean cocked his head, Cas hardly ever cursed, “you were always trying to be the hero for your mother. Some people are at fault for that,” Cas’s eyebrows furrowed briefly, “but it’s human nature to be hard on ourselves and praiseworthy of others. You, in your limited experience, could not possibly know all of the things that you’ve done that have made a difference. But we’re-”

Jack suddenly blipped into existence, giving Castiel two big thumbs up, then blipped out again.

Dean turned, looking from the space Jack had stood back to Cas then back again, “What-”

Cas shook his head with a smile, “I could never tell you exactly what you’ve meant to the world. But we had a, uh, few volunteers that wanted to show you.”

“Cas, could you quit monologuing for a second and-”

Out of the corner of his eye, Dean saw movement. The endless sea became endless plains which became endless trees, the landscape changing at a rapid rate.

Dean looked back to Cas in confusion, but he didn’t look alarmed. He gave Dean a timid smile, kissed him behind his ear, and whispered, “Just watch.”

Dean watched. For a moment, the scenery couldn’t seem to decide what it wanted to be. Then, it decided not to decide. Grains of sand took the form of towering trees, a picnic table, a bench. Green lake water formed the shape of a small boy, hunched over and scribbling on the table. Lastly the wheat twirled and spun and became an all-too-familiar-looking young man wearing a jacket too big for his frame, walking over to the bench and sitting down across from the kid.

Lucas. The name came to Dean from deep in his memory, he was that quiet kid who drew Dean pictures of the ghost in the lake. The grain animated Dean’s smile as he talked, the figure of Lucas showed Dean his sketches. Their forms dissolved as the scene changed and Dean's form was pulling Lucas out of the water, the sheriff having paid his due.

The figure of Dean left, but Lucas stayed and was joined by his mother, Dean remembered her too. They embraced, and the figure of Lucas grew, changed into a young man, a husband, a father. Soon a half dozen figures were standing there, waving to Dean, and then they disappeared, melting back into water. Lucas was the last to go as he was the first to arrive. He signed a phrase to Dean, and Dean knew the words: Thank you, Dean Winchester.

Then the sand reformed into a schoolgirl, the shapes in the green water plaguing her with images of mirrors and Bloody Marys until Dean stepped in front of her, holding a mirror of grain in front of the cruel, refracted specter. It dissolved, and Dean’s form bade goodbye, but the girl remained. She grew too just like the boy did, becoming a professor, graduating with honors, writing dozens of books, and changing dozens of lives. She smiled, and waved, and dissolved as well.

The shapeshifters appeared next, the sand in the form of Sam’s friend Zach, his sister Becky, and even Dean’s false shifter form, but the true form in the too-large jacket blew them all away, leaving Becky waving goodbye. She too welcomed a family that appeared by her side, and they all looked so happy and grateful to have each other.

Again and again the scenes changed. Green waters showed the cities he had passed through, the homes that were kept from destruction, entire communities that were healed. The water formed and reformed into smiling faces and waving hands. Some of the people, Dean had known on Earth. Many of the places, Dean had remembered driving through. Most of the people and places, however, were foreign to Dean. He lost count of the number of strangers who appeared, the cities he’d never been to. He struggled to keep track as they cycled faster and faster, as numerous as the grains of sand and droplets of water they were made of. It seemed that a whole generation of people, all over the world, would-be victims of an apocalypse they never even knew was happening, knew him. Through words and cheers and song, they retold the tales of Dean and Sam Winchester, the tales they had only learned once they had passed on.

Throughout all of this, Cas pressed his shoulder to Dean’s, his presence grounding but not distracting. Dean’s grip on Cas’s hand grew tighter and tighter. Cas did not let go.

Eventually, the images and figures departed. The sand blew away, the waters swirled and dispersed, and the landscape made its final decision. Only a simple field of golden wheat remained, waving and rippling in the wind.

Only in that newfound silence did Dean notice he was crying. He shook his head, wiping the tears away furiously.

“Dean,” Cas whispered, and Dean turned to face him, vision blurred, Cas looking at him pleadingly. “You sacrificed so much for so many for so long. You don’t have to be strong right now. You don’t have to be strong ever again if you don’t want to. You have done enough.”

Castiel wiped an errant tear from Dean’s cheek, holding his face between his hands firmly, tenderly.

“You are, and always were, enough. Your job is done. Let. Go.”

Dean did.

Cas silently pulled Dean into his shoulder as he sobbed. Dean didn’t even know why he was crying, didn’t know what for. Maybe he was happy. Maybe he was grieving. Maybe he just felt… relief. He wasn’t sure the last time he felt such relief. He wasn’t sure he ever had truly felt it.

After some time, longer than he’d like to admit, Dean sniffed, wiped one hand over his face, and raised his head. Cas was waiting for him, looking at him with care. With love.

“I, uh… I don’t gotta sign any autographs, do I?”

Cas smiled, and pulled Dean in for a kiss. They stayed like that for a bit on the hood of the car, feeling the breeze, breathing in the fresh air. Dean thought he could hear music coming from somewhere, realizing that it was the car’s radio playing softly from the cab. He knew that any time he wanted, he could hop down from the hood of his car, slide into the driver’s seat with the love of his life on the passenger’s side, and carry on his wayward way. Down the road, through the endless fields, towards the ones he had loved and lost. But not yet, not quite yet, because he had time. Maybe in the end, time was all he had ever really wanted, even if he could never allow himself to ask for it.

Infinity stretched out in front of him like the fields of grain. It wasn’t an exciting infinity, but it was his. It was a long road, a family that waited for him, a shoulder to lean on. It was, at long last, a place to lay his weary head to rest.

#destiel #deancas #dean winchester #castiel #destiel fix it #destiel fic #like fields of grain #this is on ao3 but i know if I post an external link tumblr will nuke it so #if you can't tell #I'm taking canon hostage and forcing it to pay reparations

452 notes · View notes

apocalypseornaw · 3 years

Text

Keep Me From You

For the square "Temporary amnesia" on @girl-next-door-writes make me feel bingo

Warnings: mention of injury,cursing

Word Count: 10,201

Smidge of angst but lots of fluff

“Dean I’m fine. A few scratches but I’ll be home soon and you’re more than welcome to play nurse” You’d left a few days before to help Claire out on a hunt and had called him to say you were only about an hour out from Lebanon. “So you want me to wear the uniform and all?” he teased and heard you laugh. That was a sound that he’d always loved. “Of course I want the uniform, why would you even ask?” A smile slipped onto his face as hearing just how truly happy you sounded to be coming home to him. He’d never imagined getting this. Someone who really did love him and not only understood the life but lived it as well. “I’ll see you soon sweetheart” “Better be waiting for me at the door….” Your sentence was cut short by the sound of tires squealing then a hard hit.

Dean knew a wreck when he heard one and his heart fell to his feet “Y/N!” when you didn’t reply he screamed your name again which brought Sam running into the room. “What’s wrong?” Dean was already on his feet grabbing the keys to the impala “Y/N’s been in a wreck. We gotta get to her”

By the time Dean and Sam rolled on scene a passerby had called 911. Multiple cop cars, a couple ambulances and even a fire truck had the night lit brightly. Dean barely stopped the car from rolling before he was jumping out. Your car was on it’s side, the driver door crumpled in. “Y/N!” before he could get close Sam grabbed him along with three of the firemen on scene “Sir! We already got her out! She’s in the ambulance!”

Dean looked to see the ambulance in question pulling away “Is she alive?” The firemen nodded solemnly “She’s in critical condition but she’s alive” Sam pulled him back towards the impala “C’mon we’ll beat them to the hospital. We know her Dean she’s strong” Sam nodded to the firemen that he had Dean so they headed to finish cleaning up the scene. Dean looked at your car once more before following Sam “If the other driver isn’t in bad shape..I’ll kill em”

------

Sam took the lead to speak with the doctors because by the time they got to the hospital he didn’t really trust Dean to not throw a punch. “Mr Evanson..your sister in law is in critical condition as you were told at the scene. She was hit by a drunk driver that ran a red light. She’s got multiple contusions, a fractured skull and a dislocated shoulder” the fake names had you as Dean’s wife should something like this happen and Eileen as Sam’s. Helped to have insurance and provided a cover story so all of you could get updates on each other should injuries ever occur severe enough to warrant a hospital trip.

Before Sam could open his mouth to ask any questions further about your condition Dean spoke up “Let me guess the bastard that hit her is just fine right?” Sam couldn’t really blame Dean. You were one of his best friends and knowing you made it out of a hunt just fine to turn around and get hurt this severely by an idiot who drank too much and chose to get behind the wheel was more than upsetting. “Mr Evanson I know you’re upset but I assure you we’re doing everything for your wife we can” Sam could tell Dean was doing what he did best which was to lean into anger more than any other emotion so before he could fire off threats to a doctor or worse Sam grabbed his arm then looked back at the doctor “When can we see her?” “As soon as she’s settled into the room I’ll send a nurse out to get both of you”

The moment the doctor stepped away Dean spun around and hit the wall hard enough his fist left a hole in the plaster. “She was talking to me Sam. What if I distracted her? What if she would’ve seen him sooner if she hadn’t been on the phone?” “Dean, don't do that to yourself. This isn’t your fault” It shocked Sam more than anything to see Dean wasn’t trying to hide the tears in his eyes when he faced him “I can’t lose her Sammy” “You won’t. I’m gonna call Eileen and Jody to let them know. She’ll be ok. Let the doctors do what they can then if need be we’ll find other means to help her. She’s strong, she’s a fighter and honestly I think it would take a lot more than a wreck to keep her from your side” “Let’s hope you’re right”

------

A little over an hour passed with Sam and Dean pacing across the waiting room. The other inhabitants of it and staff alike were giving both men a wide berth, Dean even moreso. The air around him was thick with the mixture of anger at you being in this shape and fear at the possibility of losing you.

When a nurse finally walked in and asked “Mr Evanson and brother?” Dean snatched his head up “Over here” she smiled warmly at him “Your wife is out of surgery and stable. Would you and your brother like to see her?” “Please” Dean managed trying to remember it wasn’t this woman’s fault you were hurt.

------

The walk to your room felt longer than anything Dean had even endured. When he walked in to see your still form he could feel his hands ball into fists. You were the single most important person on the face of the earth to him besides Sam. Your head was bandaged, your left shoulder was in a sling and both arms had gauze nearly covering every surface. “When’s she gonna wake up?” Sam asked knowing Dean needed an answer but also knowing his brother wouldn’t be very good at communicating at the moment.

“That’s a tricky question. It’s really up to her. She’s in stable condition, there’s no bleeding on her brain. Now it’s just up to her body” “Thank you. Can we stay with her a while?” “You both can stay an hour but only one can stay overnight” “Thank you” the nurse walked away and Sam turned back to see Dean was motionless at the foot of your bed.

“Dean?” Sam called jarring him out of his thoughts. “She’s a hunter. I’ve seen her hurt and I’ve known that there was always a possibility of something happening to one of us but she was fine, she was headed home and laughing” Dean had walked up next to your bed and left his fingers barely brush against the leather bracelet tied around your wrist. It was a gris-gris gifted to you by a witch in New Orleans three years before, just a couple months before you and Dean had gotten together actually.

You’d helped her out and it was supposed to protect you from evil. You hadn’t taken it off since citing that it was a lucky charm too considering you hadn’t gotten seriously injured on a hunt in quite a while. Turned out it only worked on supernatural beings not human actions. “She’s gonna be ok Dean” Sam repeated as Dean gently took your hand in both of his and sat down in the chair next to the bed before looking up at his little brother “How can you be so sure?” “I’ve seen her fight and I’ve seen how much she loves you. She’s not leaving us like this”

------

The two of them stayed like that for the next hour barely talking, simply watching you breathe. When the hour passed Sam headed back to the bunker while Dean stayed rooted in the chair holding your hand. “Remember when we first met? God I thought you hated me because of my dad..he had a habit of turning people into enemies. I’ve never seen Bobby laugh as hard as talking about the time you backed dad down on a hunt by calling him a washed out jarhead that didn’t know a vampire from a rugaru. Baby you’ve survived so much..you’re stronger than anyone I know” he didn’t even realize he was crying before the droplet hit your hand.

“Please come back to me. I don’t want to do this without you. I love you” he nearly whispered the last part willing you to hear him and open your eyes.

------

For three days Dean sat at your side. Sam would bring food and clothes. Eileen had of course headed back to Lebanon when she heard what happened and Jody along with all the girls had been in near constant contact. You had so many people behind you but the horrifying reality was it didn’t matter how much backup you had this time. This fight was a solo one.

The nurses and doctors assured him that you were healing. Your body was simply mending itself and keeping you asleep to save energy to do so. He didn’t care about anything they said he needed you awake to see for himself that you were ok.

It was during visitor hours so Eileen was sitting across the room flipping through a magazine while Sam had gone after coffee. The hardest thing for any of them was simply being forced to sit around and wait to see if you’d wake up on your own. Of course Rowena was digging around to see about some spells to help speed up healing but those were a bit fragile and out of her usual wheelhouse which was to cause damage to someone instead of healing them.

“Dean they were out of sugar so I had to put artificial sweetener in yours” Sam spoke from the doorway as he walked into the room. Dean shrugged “I don’t care” Sam shared a look with Eileen when he handed her coffee over. She signed “I’m worried about him” so Sam nodded and mouthed “Me too” before walking over to hold Dean’s coffee out to him.

Dean took it then looked back at the bed “Why isn’t she awake yet Sammy?” “Head injuries take a little more to heal Dean” Sam offered but knew it was of little solace. All of them wanted nothing more than for you to wake up. Sam walked back over to stand next to Eileen but a movement of your hand had all of them on their feet and next to the bed “Y/N?” Dean spoke first and when you opened your eyes they all shared a sigh of relief “Thank god baby” Dean breathed moving to press a kiss to your lips but you snatched your head away “Dean, what the hell?”

------

Your head felt like it’d been run over by a truck. You felt like you were drunk and there wasn’t a body part that didn’t hurt. When you finally forced your eyes open you realized you were in a hospital room. Sam, Dean and Eileen was next to your bed meaning you must have gotten hurt on a hunt but you couldn’t remember how.

“Thank god baby” baby? Did Dean just call you baby? Before you could ask he leaned forward as if to kiss you so you snatched your head away not missing the look on his face as you said “Dean, what the hell?”

“Y/N? What's the last thing you remember?” Eileen asked stepping closer to the bed while Dean backed away obviously hurt but you weren’t sure why he’d called you baby or tried to kiss you. You were friends yeah but he’d never acted like he had those feelings for you. You realized your head hurt even worse when you tried to think of why he would be hurt but a memory finally came to you of you and Eileen working a shifter case in Austin. “The shifter?” you asked hesitantly and saw her eyes widened.

“Eileen? What’s wrong?” you asked grimacing when you tried to sit up further only to realize your left arm was in a sling. Sam moved to help you and you noticed Dean looking rather lost standing off to the side of the room. She looked over at him sympathetically before finally saying “Y/N that case was over three years ago”

------

Three years? You’d lost three years worth of memories. Dean had slipped out the room after alerting the Doctor Rhodes you were awake and once Eileen assured Sam she’d stay at your side he went after his brother. You were only half listening to the doctors as they gave a run down of the wreck you’d been in and the injuries you’d received. “Well if you’re saying my brain is fine why the hell do I have a three year gap in my memory?” you knew you were being a bit blunt but given the circumstances you felt it was warranted.

“Mrs Evanson this is common in an injury like yours” the nurse nearest you spoke so you cut your eyes at Eileen silently questioning the name they’d called you. She smiled and touched Doctor Rhodes on the shoulder. When he turned to look at her she motioned to you “Can I have a few moments alone with her before you take her for tests?” he looked back at you then nodded. After he and the nurses finally exited your room giving a warning that transport would be there in twenty to take you down for a cat scan Eileen came over and sat gently on the side of your bed facing you “Ask” You looked around the room eyes settling on Dean’s jacket that he’d left draped over the back of one of the chairs “What have I missed?” she followed your line of sight over her shoulder then smiled sadly before looking back at you “The shifter case was only a month before you and Dean got together” “We’ve been together three years?” you asked making sure you were facing her fully as you spoke. “Yeah. For the insurance he’s listed as your husband and Sam’s listed as mine since me and him have been together two and a half years”

You felt tears sting your eyes as the realization of why Dean had looked so hurt when you pulled away from him hit you at once “Why don’t I remember? God he must hate me” She covered your right hand with hers lacing your fingers together and the familiarity of that small action bought a smile to your face as she leaned down to look you in the eye before saying “Believe me when I say there is nothing on earth you could do to make that man hate you sweetie. Now I’ll be here when they get you back from the tests but I’m gonna go find him and Sam in the meantime ok?” you nodded not trusting your voice at the moment so she kissed your forehead then nodded to the nurse that had just just stepped into the door before walking out.

------

Eileen found Sam and Dean outside in the parking lot. They were leaned against the side of the impala staring at the entrance of the hospital. When they saw her they both pushed off the car Sam getting to her side first while Dean was a little slower to approach “How is she?” Sam asked and Eileen shrugged “She found out she’s missing three years. How would you be?” Then her eyes drifted over to Dean “She’s afraid you’re gonna hate her because she doesn’t remember being with you” “I could never hate her especially for something that’s not her fault” he quickly replied and she nodded “That’s what I told her but I think you need to be in the room too when she gets back from having her scans done”

------

You were in short terrified. The scans showed that your skull was healing quite well actually and as far as structural wise your brain was in good shape and according to Doctor Rhodes your memory loss was more than likely temporary. The bad news? In cases like yours those memories could return in a matter of weeks or a matter of years. There was no way to estimate the amount of time it would take from one person to the next.

“When can I go home?” you asked adding in your head the fact that you weren’t exactly sure where home was these days. “In a couple days at this rate and I’d say within two to four weeks you can return to normal life” There was a knock on the door and one of the nurses peeked her head in “Her husband, brother in law and sister in law want to come in” Doctor Rhodes looked back at you so you nodded with a small smile “Do you remind going back over what you’ve told me?”

“Of course” he nodded to the nurse so she stepped back out and a moment later Eileen walked in trailed by Sam then finally Dean “Mr Evanson your wife asked me to go over the findings from her test with the three of you” you barely met Dean’s eyes while he listened to Doctor Rhodes despite the fact that his gaze never left your face. When the doctor mentioned you’d be going home in a couple days if you stayed healing at this rate Dean shared a look with Eileen that you didn’t miss before the three of them thanked the doctor then he excused himself.

“So turns out I was right Dean, you do have the harder head” you tried to tease but heard your voice fall flat at the end. You wanted nothing more to remember the last three years of your life. The three people standing in front of you meant the most to you yet you could only remember so much and apparently now shared your life with one of them but couldn’t so much as remember ever sharing a kiss with him.

“Y/N..Eileen told me what you said” Dean spoke, stepping closer to the bed. He tapped the bed close to your leg but didn’t touch you “Sweetheart there’s nothing that could make me hate you. I was on the phone with you when the wreck happened. I’ve never been more afraid in my life and just seeing you awake? That’s a win for me” “I want to remember if that helps any Dean.I wish I did because it seems we’re happy” “I’d like to think we are” he replied with a small smile. You moved your leg closer to his hand so he took the hint to gently touch you near your ankle.

“While we’re all here talking..can someone tell me where is home for me?” you asked embarrassed over not being able to remember such a small detail “Um you live at the bunker” Sam answered cutting his eyes at Dean who nodded “You’ve been living there for about two years full time” “Oh then I guess we’re really serious then huh?” your voice was low enough you weren’t exactly sure Dean had heard you until he said “Yeah” meeting your eyes for a second before clearing his throat “Um visitation is over in an hour. I was gonna stay but if that’s weird for you I’m sure Eileen or Sam would”

“Of course” they both spoke over each other then shared a small smile. Your heart ached seeing the look on Dean’s face at the two of them so in sync while you didn’t remember him. “Maybe Eileen could stay? She can help fill in some blanks since I remember hunting with her last?” you offered and Dean nodded “Of course sweet..Y/N” you noticed how he stopped himself from calling you sweetheart. Christ you’d been friends with Dean for so long. He was the best man you’d ever known but you also knew he had the self worth of a grape and you could only imagine what this was doing to him. “Thank you Dean” you whispered and he smiled slightly “Of course”

------

Dean didn’t really talk much before him and Sam left for the night but he did ask if you wanted him to bring you a change of clothes since the nurse said you could shower with assistance the next morning. “Please” you told him and with a sharp nod he was out of the room. Sam left a quick kiss on Eileen’s lips then one on your forehead before quickly following after him.

You watched the door where they’d disappeared for several seconds before Eileen touched your arm gently and you jumped which pulled a small smile to her face “Are you ok?” she asked so you nodded then turned your head to look at her fully “I was in love with him wasn’t I?” she slowly nodded. You let out a breath then leaned your head back against the pillows before asking “How did that shifter case turn out anyways?” she laughed then went into the story talking and signing what had happened trying to catch you up to speed without overwhelming you.

------

Sam found Dean sitting in the library at one of the long tables around three in the morning. There was a bottle of bourbon in front of him and a glass with a piece of ice watering down what of the brown liquid was in it. “Couldn’t sleep?” he asked, pulling the chair out across from Dean after grabbing himself a glass. Dean cut his eyes up at him “Would you be able to if it was Eileen?” “No” Sam wasn’t even going to attempt to lie, Dean knew him too well. “I don’t want to put any stress on her because she doesn’t remember”

“You’re not. She knows now that you’re not mad that she doesn’t remember. Give Eileen a little time to ease her into the last few years besides Doctor Rhodes said her memory could be fully back within a couple weeks” “Or a couple years” Dean interrupted which earned him a glare from Sam “If you’ve ever had faith in anything..have faith in Y/N” “What if this is nature’s way of a course correction? She deserves better than me and maybe this is the universe trying to say that”

Sam reached over and pulled the glass out of Dean’s grip then moved the bottle for good measure before saying “The only thing this says is that assholes shouldn’t drink and drive. She’s coming home in a couple days Dean and the familiar setting may help her memory..Rowena is getting there with the spells especially now that she knows to tweak it to memory wise. We’re gonna get her memory back Dean..we will” “I hope you’re right Sam, I really do”

------

Today was a big step in the right direction. You were finally checking out the hospital to head home. Eileen had mentioned Cas would be at the bunker when you got there so that meant at least for your physical wounds you could get healed, who knows maybe angel mojo would effect your memory as well? Not likely but it didn’t hurt to hope did it?

When the nurse knocked on the door she smiled to see you were tying your sneakers onto your feet. Eileen had stayed in the room with you while Dean went to pull the impala around to the exit you’d be coming out of. “Must I ride in the wheelchair? I mean I think I’m capable of walking” you asked and she grimaced “Sorry Mrs Evanson it’s hospital policy” Eileen winked at you then teased “Besides you get to ride in style out” riding in style was the collection of get well soon items that had found their way to your room from your friends. The one you liked the best was the little stuffed wolves that Garth and Bess had sent by Donna. The nurses didn’t quite understand the significance of them but you’d seen even a small smile work it’s way onto Dean’s face. Over the next few days though it was only supposed to be the four of you at the bunker well plus Cas. You weren’t being anti-social but you could also only bare so much guilt at a time from not remembering certain things.

Eileen bumped your arm and when you glanced her way she signed “Stop it” “You don’t read minds” you replied and she winked “No but you I can read” you sighed and climbed into the wheelchair while Eileen grabbed the bag carrying your presents. Sam was back at the bunker apparently switching your belongings to a different room. Eileen had let it slip that he offered to do it so Dean wouldn’t have to.

“Take me away” you told the nurse who smiled “I can say you have remained in good spirits the entire time you’ve been here and that bodes quite well for your recovery” you shrugged your good shoulder as she pushed you out the door “I can wallow or deal. I always work better by gritting my teeth and doing what I gotta do regardless”

------

The sun was bright in the sky when you finally were wheeled out of the exit. When Dean saw the three of you he quickly came around to open the passenger door and moved to help you but stopped just sigh of touching you then looked at your face for the ok. When you reached for his hand his whole body seemed to relax slightly “Mrs Evanson you have a follow up for a scan in three weeks but if any new symptoms occur such as headaches, blurry vision, dizziness feel free to come in before and if any pain outside the expected occurs feel free to come back in”

“She will” Dean and Eileen answered in unison so you shot the nurse a smile “I have a lot of people looking after me. I’ll be fine”

After you were in the passenger seat the nurse waved then headed back inside. Eileen climbed in the backseat behind you and reached up to pat your shoulder reassuringly while Dean walked around to climb in the driver’s seat. “Ready to go?” he asked and you nodded “Let’s get home”

------

You vaguely remembered the internal set up of the bunker. You’d been there a time or two and even stayed the night once but as far as knowing it as well as you should considering how long you’d apparently been calling the bat cave home? You were far from it.

Eileen headed down the stairs first followed by Dean then you walking slowly down. Everything in the map room was pretty much how you remembered it including the angel sitting at the table talking to Sam who smiled when he saw the three of you “Y/N” you pulled him into a hug as best as you could “You’re a sight for sore eyes there Cas” he ducked his head and started to explain “I couldn’t exactly come to the hospital to heal you” “I understand Cas. Just saying it’s good to see you” he nodded then looked to your left arm “Can I?” “Please” you replied with an excited smile.

Cas had healed you before but it was always a bit surreal. He laid his hand palm down on your forehead and you felt the warmth spread throughout your body. You closed your eyes and felt your shoulder stitch itself back and the tender spot in your head from the fractured skull fade to a dull ache then disappeared all together.

When you opened your eyes everyone in the room was staring at you expectantly. You tried to force memories of being with Dean into your mind but they refused to come. You shook your head sadly “Healed me physically” “I’m sorry Y/N. Memory is something different than physical injuries” Cas apologized but you shook your head “No Cas. Thank you. Since the physical part is no longer an issue I can start trying to concentrate on my memory”

You didn’t miss the disappointed look in Dean’s eyes and apparently neither did Eileen because she touched your arm “Y/N why don’t I show you your room?” you smiled appreciatively at her “Sounds good. Cas are you staying?” he shook his head “No I’ve got to get back” you hugged him again “In that case be careful out there and thank you again”

------

You heard the three guys talking while you let Eileen direct you down the hall and tried to block it out. One worry at a time. She pointed to one door “That’s mine and Sam’s room” then pointed to the next door “This one is empty” the door a little further down the hall she pointed to “Um this is Dean’s room” you swallowed hard at the unadded words which were “Until a few days ago this was your room as well” and followed her down to the room right to Dean’s “This one is yours”

You walked in behind her and looked around the room. You recognized the weapons laid about as your own. That was definitely your jacket tossed across the chair in the corner. A black blanket with red swirls was folded on the foot of the bed. When you touched it she smiled “That’s your blanket you usually want. Dean’s been using it but he got me to wash it and fold it for you” you nodded feeling very much overwhelmed “Um Eileen is it ok if I say I want to be alone?” she nodded “Of course. I’ll be in the library with the boys, your phone is on the charger so if you need me cause you know hollering for me won’t work” you managed a small laugh at that and signed “Thank you” since you know had use of both hands again.

She walked out and shut the door gently behind her. You sat on the edge of the bed and looked around the room. There was a since of familiarity tugging at you being in the bunker but you weren’t sure if it was true or just the fact of your own desire to remember. After a while you started feeling tired so you laid down across the bed pulling your blanket over you. A small nap wouldn’t hurt then maybe you could wander around a bit after everyone else went to bed.

------

You weren’t sure how long you’d been asleep when you heard a small knock at your door. You sat up smoothing a hand over your head “Yeah?” then kicked yourself when you realized it could be Eileen but the door opened before you could cross over to it and it was Sam standing in your doorway instead “Dean and Eileen ran into town to grab some food and a few other things we needed. I had to convince them both I would check on you” you smiled at that then stepped back so he could come into the room.

He sat down on the chair that your jacket was draped across so you sat down on the foot of the bed right across from him “How is he?” you asked and Sam raised an eyebrow “How are you?”

You sighed “Apparently I am in a stable relationship and can’t remember past being friends. At least Cas could get the wounds on the outside healed?” he nodded then glanced around before rubbing at the back of his neck “He’s ok” “Sam” you warned so he half smiled “He’s blaming himself of course. You were on the phone with him when the wreck happened” “Christ could it get any worse?” you groaned and Sam leaned up to gently touch your leg “Yeah. You could’ve died. We can deal with this. I know we can” you nodded and laid your hand on top of his “Thanks Sam” he smiled “So do you want to check out the rest of the bunker while it’s just the two of us or go back to sleep?”

“Can I sneek a peek in Dean’s room?” he shrugged “Hell why not?” You followed him out into the hall and stopped him right as he put his hand on the door leading into Dean’s room “Are you sure I should?” He nodded “Yeah. It may help” you took a breath and followed him in. The room didn’t look that much different then the one they had moved your things into at first then on second glance the differences popped out to you.

There was your shotgun on the wall underneath Dean’s. A photo of you, him, Eileen and Sam was on the nightstand. A few albums that were clearly your taste in music was next to his radio and there were two sets of headphones instead of one. You walked over slowly and picked up the photo. The boys were sitting on Jody’s couch and from the looks of it had pulled you and Eileen down into their lap probably seconds before the photo was snapped considering you and her were both laughing. “It was the day Alex got into nursing school” Sam explained coming to stand next to you looking over your shoulder at the photo.

“We all look so happy” you whispered running your fingertips across Dean’s face. “You’ll get your memory back just give it time” he replied and you sighed then sat the photo down “I know. Let’s check out the rest of the bunker so maybe I can have my nerve enough to face Dean by the time they get back”

------

You had made your way into the library by the time Dean and Eileen came back from town. The few times you could remember coming here you’d been impressed by the extensive collection of lore this place held. You trailed your fingers along the spines of the books reading different titles. “I think you’ve read most of the books in here at least once” you heard from behind you and turned to see Dean leaned against the doorway watching you with a small smile on his face.

You sighed and said “Hopefully I’ll actually remember reading them sooner rather than later...well and other things too” the last part you added in a whisper but you saw the way his expression changed “Y/N I don’t care how long it takes I’m not going anywhere. You may not remember the last few years right now but I do, I know this is worth fighting for” “So you don’t blame yourself then?” you asked crossing your arms over your chest and saw the barest hint of a grin pulling at his lips again “Ok that look is too familiar and I’m guessing by you asking me that you’ve talked to Sam while we were gone?”

You nodded “Dean they said a drunk driver hit me. It wasn’t your fault hell if I hadn’t been on the phone with you it could've been a lot before all of you knew what had happened to me.” He nodded slowly “Not like you have always had a habit of kicking my ass if I’m too hard on myself” that made you laugh lightly “Ok that I do remember and yes someone needs to!”

He nodded back towards the kitchen “We got some food. Eileen tried to remember what your favorite was but couldn’t quite remember so we got a few different things” You smiled “I’m sure I’ll like whatever I’ve never really been picky” the two of you stood there after that staring at each other for a few heartbeats before you heard Sam call yours and Dean’s names “Guessing that’s our cue to come eat?” “Guessing so”

------

You sat next to Eileen at the table turned halfway towards her so if you said anything she wouldn’t have to turn to read your lips. Sam was sitting across from her and Dean was across from you. You always loved california rolls but now you were simply pushing them around in the little tray. “Not hungry?” Sam asked motioning to your plate. You shrugged “Guess not. Want them?” Eileen reached over before Sam could move “I’ll take them” you laughed at the look on Sam’s face “Snooze ya lose Winchester”

You glanced over at Dean’s plate to see the burger in front of him was barely touched as well “Dean you’re not gonna eat?” he shrugged “Not that hungry” you sighed and drank the last little bit of your lemonade then stood up “I think I’m gonna grab a shower and call it an early night” “If you need anything” Eileen started and you nodded then signed “I know” Dean glanced up so you smiled “Night Dean” “Night Y/N” “Night Sam” you called over your shoulder before you walked out the kitchen and heard him say “Night” as you stepped into the hall.

------

Everything felt wrong. The bed felt wrong, your clothes felt wrong. There was a gaping hole craving the memories of the last three years and there was nothing you could do. You tossed and turned most of the night until finally calling it.

You dug around and found a thicker pair of socks so you pulled them onto your feet then grabbed the black and red blanket to wrap around your shoulders before stepping out into the hallway. You weren’t sure what part of the bunker you were headed to but you hoped maybe to clear the confusion in your head. The library called to you so you let your feet carry you in that direction.

You walked aimlessly around the rows of books letting your fingers graze some of them. God there was everything from classic literature that book collectors around the world would sell their souls for all the way to books describing just how bad of an idea that would be and why. You ended up not picking a book and instead just pulled out one of the chairs at the table and sat down.

You smiled when you saw Sam and Dean’s initials carved into the tabletop. It matched where they’d carved their names in the impala back when they were kids. You traced Dean’s initials and seriously considered waking him up to talk but decided against it. Just like you needed time to adjust you were quite certain he needed some time too. One moment he’d been with a woman for three years the next that woman didn’t even have a memory of a shared kiss.

You sighed and pushed away from the table. You had seen a laptop in your room hopefully it wasn’t password protected,maybe you could watch a movie or something.

Within a week and a half of being released from the hospital you were going absolutely stir crazy and what was even worse you knew everyone was sitting out of cases to be there with you.

You walked out of your room after grabbing a shower and headed towards the kitchen. Sam and Eileen were normally up before Dean you’d learned so you were hoping it was just the two of them again. When you walked around the corner you nearly froze in your tracks to see Dean pouring a cup of coffee. He cut his eyes up and almost smiled when he saw you then motioned with the coffee in his hand “Want a cup?” You mentally kicked yourself as a reminder to speak and forced a small smile onto your face “Please”

He nodded and turned to grab another cup. You stood there not missing the looks Sam and Eileen were sharing while Dean poured the coffee and held the cup out to you. You took it from him letting your fingers barely touch his hand “Thanks Dean” “Sugar’s on the counter and creamer’s in the fridge” he replied with a tight smile then walked over to sit next to Sam.

You couldn’t help but over the conversation between the three of them which consisted of the fact that Donna apparently needed help and that Garth had asked Sam if him and Dean could check in on some strange occurrences. “Why don’t you all go?” you asked turning to face the three of them and repeating yourself in asl for Eileen. “We don’t want to leave you alone” you nodded slowly then said “I have a cell phone. Sam just gave me a new one all set up yesterday. Not to mention I’m in literally one of the safest places on earth. I think I can manage for a day or two. Seriously I feel horrible that I’m keeping all three of you cooped up, go I’ll be fine”

The three of them knew you well enough to know that if you had your mind set on something you were far too stubborn to let it go that easily. Sam and Eileen shared a few hushed words followed by Sam and Dean having a whispering match before Dean finally sighed loudly “Fine! I’ll meet you outside in twenty”

You watched him walk out then glanced at Sam questioningly “What was that about?” “He still doesn’t feel comfortable leaving you but he agreed to go check out Garth’s lead” Eileen looked up from her phone with a grin “I texted Donna that I’ll come help her and she said to tell you and I quote can’t wait till Y/N is back in action. I miss her face” you laughed lightly and said “Well be careful and tell Donna I miss her face too”

------

Sam and Eileen left to go grab what they needed so you wandered back towards your room but stopped when you saw Dean’s bedroom door was open. You knocked lightly on it and half a second later he stepped around it and stopped in his tracks when he realized it was in fact you and not Sam or Eileen. “Y/N..something wrong?” you shook your head “No I was just wondering if maybe I could talk to you just for a second?”

He stepped to the side and waved a hand into the room “Of course” you walked in and sat in one of the chairs at the small table in his room so he sat across from you. You took a deep breath before saying “Dean..if my memory doesn’t come back” “It will” he cut you off and you couldn’t help but smile at just how certain he sounded “Please let me talk” “Sorry go ahead”

You reached across the table and grabbed his hand. He stared down at your intertwined fingers as you started to speak again “If my memory doesn’t come back and you want to move on there’s no hard feelings” his eyes flew up to yours “Sweetheart I knew you’d hit your head hard but damn I didn’t realize it’d done you that bad” “What?” you asked with a shocked laugh.

He slowly raised your joined hands up to his mouth before just barely letting his lips brush across your knuckles “Y/N listen to me good here darling....I love you more than I ever dreamt possible. A future for me? Naw I never really thought about it before you but since the moment you first told me you love me I feel like maybe one day I can actually be the man worthy of you. I’m never walking away from you. If it takes two months or twenty years, I’ll still be right here” you had tears in your eyes by the time he’d finished talking “Christ no wonder I’m in love with you. Who would’ve thought Dean Winchester is a romantic at heart” he chuckled before saying “Only for you sweetheart..only for you”

You pulled your hand from his and saw his face fall slightly before you said “Come home in one piece?” “Nothing could keep me from you” he replied and you had a sense of almost dejavu as if that was something that was said a lot between the two of you but you didn’t want to ask and get his hopes up just for dejavu.

“Dean..you ready to go?” Sam called from the hall but stopped when he saw the two of you sitting across from each other “Or we can wait. A few minutes wont hurt” you held Dean’s eyes as you said “No Sam, you two need to get going. I’m gonna go see Eileen off” you stood to walk out but stopped to pat Sam’s shoulder “I expect you both back here just the way you’re leaving”

“Bye Dean” “Bye Y/N” you smiled at Sam then headed to tell Eileen your usual parting and wish her a safe hunt.

------

Everyone was due back to the bunker within a few hours so you were currently folding laundry in your room. Things were starting to hold a sense of familiarity to them but you weren’t certain if it was true or if you were simply wanting to remember so badly you were tricking your own brain into saying it remembered when it truly didn’t.

You’d started texting with Jody, Alex and Claire. You felt horrible that you didn’t remember Claire’s girlfriend Kaia or the newest addition to the wayward daughters as you called them Patience but the girls were more than understanding and were wading in little by little to catch you up on any and all memories involving them.

Your phone chimed from where it sat next to the bed so you walked over to pick it up and saw a text from Sam which read “We’re two hours away and Eileen is an hour out” you smiled knowing everyone was safe and texted back “Make it back in one piece and then I’ll be happy” then sat the phone down and returned to putting your laundry away.

You pulled out one drawer and stopped. Your socks and undergarments were in it but you had a flash of t-shirts being in the top drawer. Must have simply been mistaken. You finished up then headed into the library where you’d been scrolling through news websites to catch up.

------

You must have been invested in the article you were currently reading because when Eileen tapped on your shoulder you jumped. When you looked up she said “You’re a hunter and I scared you!” “You didn’t make any noise! Besides my guard is down in here” she shook her head but laughed “Nice to see you in a good mood” you motioned around “It’s starting to feel like a sense of being at home here” you knew you could confide in her without it reaching Dean and possibly getting his hopes up for nothing.

Her smile grew as she pulled out the chair next to you and sat down “That’s really good news” you and her sat there talking for the next while and were still talking when you heard the bunker door open so you signed “Our boys are home” she smiled and glanced over her shoulder about the time Sam and Dean walked down the stairs but both of your faces fell when you saw the cuts and scratches littering both of their faces.

She was on her feet to Sam’s side and without hesitation you were at Dean’s side before you could even think about it. “What the hell happened?” you asked gently touching the deepest cut that ran right across Dean’s left cheek “Couple witches hexed a couple vamps. Made them a little harder to kill. No big deal sweetheart” he replied flinching slightly as you turned his head to look at the different cuts and you shook your head then glanced at Eileen “You got your idiot cause I’m gonna go patch this one up and call Cas to see when he came come through the heal them” she nodded so you grabbed Dean’s hand and pulled him behind you out of the library and down the hall to his bedroom.

------

Dean sat on the side of his bed while you fussed over the cuts on his face and neck. “Did you kill the witches? Because if not I’m gonna find them and shove their damn broomsticks up their asses” you finished cleaning the cuts and stopped when you realized he was staring at you

“What?” he shook his head letting just the barest hint of a smile play on his lips “I love when you’re all fiery” when you dipped your head just enough that hair fell in front of your face he knew that was one of your tells that you’d gotten embarrassed so he reached up to push the hair back gently and felt his heart flip when you actually leaned into his touch “I love everything about you Y/N. I don’t mean to embarrass you or make you feel weird about it since you can’t remember but you patching me up and fussing about me being hurt? It feels normal or normal for us anyways” you covered his hand with your own and smiled “I want us back Dean”

“We’ll get there sweetheart. Rowena said a few more days and a few more continents she should have her hands on everything she needs” you nodded then pulled away from him slowly “I need to put this first aid kit up” he watched you move around and wanted to say something that would make you feel better but really didn’t have an idea as to what to say.

You stopped at the doorway and glanced back at him “Is it weird if I ask you to take me for a ride in the impala?” he shook his head “Not at all. When do you want to go?” your smile pulled one to his own face “Let me grab my jacket” you glanced at his dresser for a second then added “Are your t-shirts in the top drawer?” he looked between you and the dresser then nodded slowly “Yeah..why?” “No reason” you replied then went in search of your jacket and to return the first aid kit to the kitchen.

------

You weren’t sure where Dean was headed but sitting next to him watching him drive felt so natural. You’d known him for years but it was like your heart was remembering even when your brain was refusing to. “Want to pull over or just keep driving? It’s a quarter moon but it’s pretty bright out if you want to park and talk?” he suggested and you nodded “Please”

You watched as he found a pull off and drove back to an open field. When he killed the engine he cut his eyes at you “You coming?” you smiled and climbed out behind him. He walked to the front of the car then sat on the hood leaned back against the windshield so you sat next to him making sure your boots were hanging off the side to not scratch the paint. Thousands of stars were dotted across the sky and although the moon was only a quarter it was bright. You could hear a few crickets far off and a slight breeze was in the air not enough to make it cold but enough to make your jacket comfortable.

You cut your eyes at him twice before he said “You can lean your head over on me Y/N. I won’t bite” “What if I asked you to?” you joked but had another sense of dejavu hit you. He pulled you over onto his chest leaning further back while you got comfortable “You know you said that to me the first night we slept together” he spoke after a moment.

It was the first time he’d actually talked about your relationship. You knew it was because he didn’t want to push your memory. You had your head laying against his chest and could hear his heart beating steadily under you. “Who kissed who first?” you asked and his answering laugh vibrated through your entire body “Believe it or not you kissed me first” you turned to look at him and he shrugged so you asked “Tell me?”

He nodded and leaned his head back to stare at the night sky “We were fresh off a possession case. Me and Sam had been working it and you rolled through nearby. Eileen was with the twins working a case so you offered to help us. After it was all said and done Sam headed back to the hotel but me and you decided to grab a beer” you hadn’t realized just how much you were hanging onto his every word until he grinned “You’re staring there Y/N” “Oh hush. You’re telling me about our first kiss I get to stare”

“Fair enough” he replied with a nod then continued “Anyways. We got to the bar, grabbed our drinks and then headed to a corner table. We were talking about the job, the life we live. You were the most beautiful woman in the place and you were sitting there in jeans and one of my flannels since your shirt had gotten torn during the fight and you had a scratch right across the top of your collarbone that flashed when you moved just the right way. I’d been trying to figure out a way to ask you if you’d ever consider being with another hunter for weeks by that point. You got up to grab us another round and I admit I watched your ass while you walked to the bar but you hadn’t even gotten the beer yet when some drunk asshole decided to grab your ass”

“How did that go over?” you asked pretty much already knowing the answer. Dean tilted his head with a hint of a smirk “I may have broken his jaw in a few different places. Luckily the bartender saw everything so she snuck us over the bar and out the back about the time the police were coming in the front. We hightailed it out of there and headed back to the hotel. I walked you to your door even though you were right next to us. You told me you could’ve handled it and at first I thought you were pissed at me for stepping in but then you added that you thought it was the sexiest thing you’d ever seen. You kissed me then asked if I wanted to grab coffee the next morning before we all headed our different directions”

The happiness in Dean’s eyes as he spoke about the two of you made your heart ache. You loved him, that much you were sure of even if you couldn’t remember the details as to why. “Was it just me for you from there on?” you asked and when he looked at you god your heart skipped more than a few beats at the emotion those green eyes held “No one else would’ve stood a chance” you leaned closer to him and just barely let your lips brush against his in a tentative kiss. When he didn’t push you away you deepened it moving closer to him. He groaned into the kiss when your hands slid across his chest coming up to play with the hair at the nape of his neck.

One of his hands came to grip your thigh closest to him and he gave it a tug pulling you on top of him never breaking the kiss. You straddled his waist breaking from his lips to kiss down his neck. The grip on your hips tightened when you kissed on top of his pulse point “Y/N...sweetheart..baby stop” you froze the moment he said stop and looked at him in confusion “What’s wrong?” he swallowed hard before saying “Don’t get me wrong because fuck I’ve missed kissing you but we can’t do this. Not until you get more of your memory back. The moment you do I promise to keep you in bed for days but for now we can’t”

You nodded and left another quick kiss on his lips before sliding off of him and the hood of the car. He stood up after you and wrapped both arms around you “I love you Y/N” you nodded leaning back against him “I know Dean” the two of you stood there in silence for the longest just enjoying being close to each other until you shivered. “Let’s get back” he said so you nodded with a sigh “Will you watch a movie or something with me when we get back?” he nodded and kissed your cheek “Of course”

You paced across the floor glancing towards the table in the center of the room every now and then. The redhead working over the large silver bowl stopped in the middle of a movement “Y/N..dear I have grown quite fond of you actually but if you don’t stop that incessant pacing I will lock you out until I need you”

You held your hands up defensively “Sorry Rowena. I guess I’m just nervous” “Understandably but just take a breath” you nodded and sat down at the table across the room. She smiled then went back to her work. You looked up when the door opened and gave a small smile to Eileen “The boys are on their way back” “It’ll be done before they get here” Rowena said not looking up so you repeated it to Eileen who questioned why your eyes got wider.

Eileen sat down next to you and drew you into a conversation about a few hunt years back and that managed to keep your attention until Rowena cleared her throat. The both of you looked up so she waved you over “It’s time” Eileen walked next to you so you gave her hand a small squeeze before stepping over to the table “Give me your hand” Rowena spoke so you held your hand out palm up. She picked up a silver dagger and slid it across your skin. You watched as your blood dripped onto the mixture in the bowl and it glowed a deep silver.

Rowena spoke the incantation of which you only caught half the words because while some was latin the rest was a language you didn’t recognize. After a moment the silver turned to a shimmering black. Rowena dipped a red wine glass into the bowl and held it out “Drink it all” you looked at the liquid and swallowed hard. You’d drank worse before. You looked at Eileen who nodded so you toasted her and Rowena “Here’s to our health ladies” then tipped the entire glass back in one go. “How do you feel?” Eileen asked and you started to say you felt fine then the world took on a fuzzy haze and you felt yourself falling right before your vision went black.

------

“Y/N..wake up..sweetheart” you could hear Dean’s voice and forced your eyes open. “She’s awake” he breathed in relief. You were laying on a makeshift pallet in the armory. “Told you I know what I’m doing” Rowena chastised then crouched down into your view. “Y/N..how do you feel dear?” you looked at Dean before answering Rowena “I feel amazing. I remember everything” you could hear Eileen and Sam both thanking Rowena but your eyes were glued to Dean who whispered “I love you Y/N” you pulled him down into a kiss before whispering “I love you too Dean. Nothing could keep me from you either”

Tagging @girl-next-door-writes for the bingo challenge and @akshi8278 cause it's Dean

#spn fanfiction #supernatural fanfiction #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester fanfiction #dean winchester x female!reader #girl next doors make me feel bingo

194 notes · View notes

headinthestaticsky · 3 years

Text

Sanctuary with the Enthralling Moon: Jasper Hale x Fleur Swan, FINAL CHAPTER

All of the characters in Twilight DO NOT belong to me. All rights to go Stephenie Meyer.

Authors note:Sorry it took me so long to post a chapter today, I’ve been busy.

“When I think of you I remember springtime That was when we fell in love Just me and you.”

Just Me and You, by The Dreamliners

“What? What is the Volturi?”

“It’s our version of a government love, they make sure we still concealed to the humans.” Jasper explained

“Where is it at?”

“Italy.”

“I need to go... Alice, take me there now!”

“Bella wait! Fleur what won’t you stop her?” Jacob pleaded.

“I’m sorry Jacob but, not matter how much I hate Edward’s guts right now...He can’t kill himself over guilt... especially since she isn’t even dead.”

“You’re completely useless.” He snarled at me.

“Hey if you didn’t answer the fucking phone we wouldn’t be in this mess right now.”

“How you know it was me?”

“I heard Bella screaming her head off all the way upstairs...”why didn’t you let me speak to him.” Is what she said if I remember that correctly.”

Jacob rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to Bella. She was aggressive packing a bag and filling through a drawer. She pulled out a passport, she pushed past me and ran outside. We all followed her and Alice zoomed to the car starting it immediately.

“Bella he left you, he didn’t want you.”

“Yeah well, I’m not going to let him kill himself out of guilt.” Bella swung the bag in the back seat and then got in the car.

“Bella, please...stay here for Charlie, for me.” Jacob pleaded.

I couldn’t make out what she had said to him next, but whatever it was... it didn’t seem good. Jacob turned away from the car, he looked livid. Carlisle’s car revved out of the driveway, dust from the dirt was the only thing left behind. Jacob glared at me and Jasper before taking off to the woods, morphing into a wolf.

“Jazz...what in the hell am I going to say to dad?”

“You can say she found out where Edward was... and Alice offered to take her to the airport since she had come by for a visit.”

“Yeah... that works.”

My phone vibrated in my pocket, jump scaring me.

“Hello?”

“Fleur... it’s me, Rosalie.”

“Rose... hey, it’s been a while.”

“Do you know where Edward went... I told him what happened with Bella.”

“Rose... he’s going to the Volturi to kill himself... He thinks Bella’s dead.”

“Oh god...” Her voice sounded like she was in shock.

“Why did you say something to him?”

“I don’t know...honestly I don’t...”

“Bella and Alice went to Italy to try and stop him.”

“I hope they get to him...”

“I do too.”

I saw my dad pull up in the driveway, I could see confusion and heartbreak on his face.

“Listen Rose, I gotta go. Dad just got here.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later Fleur.”

“See you, bye.”

“Jasper? What’re you doing back here?”

“My family and I are moving back in a few days, but I couldn’t help but want to see Fleur again so I came back a bit earlier than everyone else.”

“Oh, that’s good to here. Does Bella know you guys came back?”

“Dad... you should come inside, we have to tell you something.”

“Oh no... what did she do now?”

“Come on dad.”

He had a reluctant look on his face when we went inside.

“So? What’s going on.”

“Alice and Jasper had come by, they told Bella and I that the rest of the family was moving back. Carlisle’s job ended up not working out so they decided to move back here. Alice had told Bella where Edward was and Alice offered to take Bella to him.”

“Where is she?”

“She wouldn’t tell... she doesn’t trust me very much still. She had a passport with her so I can only assume she went out of the country.”

“When she gets home... that boy is banned from this house. He’s put us through Hell for months!”

“I’m really sorry for my brothers actions, Chief Swan.” Jasper said his smooth voice rung through the quiet house.

“It ain’t your fault...there is only so much you can do.... god, I lose one of my closest friend and then my daughter runs off on me again.” Dad said he pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

“I’m really sorry dad.” I pulled him in for a hug. I had walked away to get my dad something to eat and a bottle of water. I could hear Jasper talking to my dad but, I couldn’t make out what they were saying.

The rest of the night was quite tense. Dad was pacing around the living room for the entire night. He was waiting for a call from Bella, wanting to hear her confirm that she is safe and sound. But, it never happened. Jasper had left saying he needed to check into a hotel for the night. But in actuality he spent the night in my room.

“Jazz...you said this Volturi was like your government...what if they make Bella change? What if they find out about me? I’m not ready to change Jasper...I can’t leave dad all alone.”

“We will find a way to prevent you from changing as long as possible darlin. Besides, Bella is the only one there, she shouldn’t have to mention you.”

“I wouldn’t put it past her Jazz...she’s, changed in a way she seems self absorbed at this point. I remember when James was chasing us, she seemed to relish in all of the attention it got her.”

“I thought a felt bits of that in her emotions, yours over powered her though.”

I sighed

“Gosh, I need to talk about something else... I feel so nervous I think I might get sick.” I burrowed my face in Jasper neck in hopes to calm my nerves.

“Okay...marry me.” He said, his voice was calmer than I had ever heard it before. I on the other hand, was in shock. My eyes had shot wide open and I lifted my head up from his neck.

“Are you serious?” I asked, my voice was a pitch higher than normal.

“Why wouldn’t I be serious?” He said, humor was laced in his voice.

“So that’s what you were talking to dad about in the living room.”

“Yeah, that was it...so...” He got up from my bed and knelt down in front of me on one knee.

“Will you marry me?” he pulled the velvet box he in his pocket open.

“Yes... I will.” I huge smiled made it’s way onto my face. Jasper pulled me into his arms and hugged me. My feet made it’s way off the floor for a few seconds, but I was then set back down. I looked down at the ring, it fit me pretty well.

“Is that Sapphires?” I asked.

“Yeah they are... thought they would be nice, since that is your birthstone.”

“It’s yours too you know... I remember your birthday... it’s September 14th.

Timeskip: 2 days later.

When Bella had finally gotten home from finding Edward, dad let her have it. He stuck to his guns at first, saying that Edward was banned from the house and that she was not allowed to see him. But, Bella being Bella threatened moving away. Dad faltered in his threat and said that Edward could come over but, dad would have to be there and he could only stay til 9:30. Bella also couldn’t leave the house without dad being there either. And even when she was going to leave with him there, she would have to tell him and call him every hour. She even had a curfew she had to uphold to, which was at 9:30 pm as well.

I was with the Cullens this evening, Rosalie, Emse, and Alice’s eye lit up in excitement when they saw my ring. Emmett had bear hugged me when he saw me again and Dean was finally able to hug me too, without wanting to kill me. Alice was just talking to me about floral arrangements when Edward and Bella walked into the room.

“Look... you all know what I want. I think it would only be fair... if you all vote.” Bella said.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Edward snided.

“Shut...up.” Bella replied

“What’s the rush Bella?” I asked she of course, ignored me.

“Alice?”

“Yes of course, I already consider you apart of my family.”

“I vote yes, it would be nice to not want to kill you all the time.” Dean said.

“Jasper?”

“Sure...I really don’t want to get separated from Fleur again because Edward can’t get over his hero complex.” Jasper snapped, he tensed in his place.

“Look... I’m really sorry to both of you for how i’ve acted but... this isn’t a life I would’ve chosen for myself. So I vote no.” Rosalie stated

“I say hell yeah! We can pick a fight with the Volturi some other way.” Emmett stated.

“Yes Bella, You’re already a member of this family.” Esme said

“Carlisle?”

“Why are you all doing this to me?” Edward questioned.

“You’ve chosen to live without her...I won’t live without my son.”

Bella smirked, but then I noticed she got nervous.

“I have something else to tell you.”

“What?” I asked.

“You see... when we wend to the Volturi I may have...”

“Don’t even finish that sentence...you didn’t Bella, you fucking told them about me didn’t you!?”

“Doesn’t feel so good having someone else make decisions for you does it?”

“You are more delusional than I thought!”

“Wait a second, you put her at risk too Bella?” Rosalie said... anger was rising in her voice.

“How long do you two have?” Jasper asked... he too was getting more angry.

“Til my graduation.”

“I can’t even look at you anymore Bella... you make me sick.” I snapped, I made my way outside and slammed the glass door. Jasper and Rosalie ran outside to join me.

“What am I going to do?” I said, my eyes filling with tears.

“We’ll figure something out Fleur.” Jasper said, pulling my into his arms.

“I won’t let her take that choice away from you.” Rosalie added.

I looked up at the sky, the stars and moon were out tonight.

“I’m so sorry love.” Jasper said.

END OF BOOK 2

#jasper hale x oc #jasper hale #rosalie hale #jasper hale x reader #edward cullen #alice cullen #esme cullen #emmett cullen #carlisle cullen #bella swan #jasper whitlock #twilight #twilight saga

50 notes · View notes

artreider · 3 years

Text

Station 19 rewatch: 4x14

Going to try to do another rewatch before my family wakes up. We have a lot to do today and there is a dark cloud over the house after loaing our cat this week. Here's hoping i can get through one of my favorite episodes before they get up.

Surrera is so cute here and the whole food thing, like girl where is our payoff on this baby that was so clearly teased. Or is there another medical condition that could be blamed on her excessive eating.

Im so glad maya and andy are friends again. I loge their friendship.

I'm glad andy acknowledges that getting married doesnt fix things; but i worry that if maya and carina hit a rough patch, andy will remind maya of this conversation or use her own issues with sullivan and their marriage as an i told you so.

Danielle is beautiful but does anyone else think she lost weight, random question but just looking at her in her uniform there she seems smaller and it worries me. Didnt really notice last time i watched this episode but am i alone in this.

Oh carina baby you so dont want to go. I just want to hug you.

Jack is so cute, he deserves a family so much but i really do fear he'll be killed off.

Im surprised ben reached out to Sullivan instead of dean.

I love this outfit on maya. Carina your girl is flirting with you and thinking of happier times, engage with her.

I love that maya opens up with carina about her dad and the protests and the happenings in the world with him. It shows so much growth and im here for it. Also anyone else annoyed that one carina answered gabriella's phone call when maya is opening up to her and two that she didnt turn it off for their last few hours together.

The look of like disappointment/devestation on maya's face when carina answers the call and walks away from her is too much hurt.

So sad that bailey isnt there and that ben is alone for even a second of this.

I'm glad andy and sullivan came to be there with ben. Like i get why they wanted andy but im sad after ben and Dean's episode dean wasnt there.

Oh jack, i dont even know what to say besides oh jack lol.

The drama with trash girl is too much lmao. I know its important for jack/inara but its just too much.

Carina packing up her knives being a trigger for maya like she's leaving forever is heartbreaking.

Carina snapping at maya hurts, dont be mean to baby. Also the kitchen sign is totally carina's doing and though she hadnt confided in maya yet that she is her home its a dead giveaway.

I really need screen grabs of the changing words on the sign.

The kids talk, the coming out talk and the marriage talk are all things that should not be done while packing or doing anything else.

Wait it totally sounded like she said "it felt pregnant" lmao or i just have babies on the brain.

Now carina being flirty and maya not reciprocating.

Maya you shouldve pushed the marriage talk now if it was what you really wanted. Instead of letting carina drop the i never wanted to get married bomb and walk away.

Andy and ben together, this friendship is beautiful. I feel like it took several seasons for ben to really get in good the team. Im trying to think of other moments besides the prt support and such when he really connected with folks before this season and none come to mind. He has been an outlier from my memory, tell me im wrong with examples please.

Lmao "you slept with my wife which means we are in a pod", things a pandemic makes funny.

Thats just wrong, giving gibson shit still. Dont hit the puppy with the newspaper when he's doing nothing wrong.

Once again with gabriella, seriously carina turn off your phone and be present with maya and maya alone.

Maya's jealousy is everything. This argument ugh, so good and just the tip of the iceberg.

I hope that maya does take the month break and the months after to really get to know the us immigration system and what it will take for carina to become an american citizen as well as learn more italian. I dont need her fluent but id love to see her use some italian with carina. She lost her brother who she spoke to in her native tongue itd be nice for her to gain that in her wife.

I love how carina stops herself as she raises her voice at maya, like she realizes it may be triggering to maya. I really do think the show and actresses put in a lot in this episode to show how well they know each other and have grown. I feel like they talk more even if we dont see it and maya is working on her issues with carina's love and support. I also do love how this argument ends though ;)

Once again maya opening up and finally carina is there and not sidetracked. And its nice carina opens up as well.

Ben's dream with the different versions of himself and his mom is funny and heartbreaking.

Joey in the dream lmao.

The nice thing about ben is if he gets hurt on the job and cant be a firefighter anymore he has other professions to fall back on.

Oh jack. I just want you to get your happy ending.

I still think its so weird to be talking about jack after they had sex but im glad they are in a place that is so comfortable and can laugh about him.

Once again another bomb dropped, kids. This is something that needs to be discussed properly.

Oh maya dont drop the marriage bomb like that. And i guess i dont underatand the outrage of the "just because", like why would carina think it was anything but that when it was dropped on her like that and after she said she didnt want to get married. This fight is so much about misunderstandings and hurtful comments.

I get how maya's fear gets the best of her here especially after carina said they just moved in together because they didnt want to be apart (asif that is a bad thing) and it was bureaucracy.

And i can understand why maya's fear hurts carina but they both needed to take a minute to breathe and try to talk it out.

I do like when carina tells maya to breathe, again like she knows her triggers and feels maya is on the verge of a panic attack.

If carina felt she married maya when she moved in i really dont see the harm in making it official. Would her having been moved out in italy for 6 months or more have felt like a divorce. I really need to know more about her logic here.

I agree why not just do it.

You've both said enough carina. I hate that she just walks away, so un carina like.

How did jack end up at the hospital? Was he called or what?

Andy is such a good friend this episode, checking on everyone.

Gabriella is so right noone wants to be proposed to the way maya kind of did. Like i cant help but wonder how carina would've taken a true proposal.

Im so glad gabriella spoke some truth to carina and turned her around on the marriage idea.

If we let the wrong decisionss rule how we live our lives things in the world would be so different. Less babies possibly and fewer marriages among other things.

Once again andy being a good friend this episode.

If carina hadnt shown up im curious what maya's next move wouldve been after talking to andy.

Love the proposal and love how its carina who announces they are getting married.

#station 19 #maya bishop #carina deluca #maya x carina #marina #maya and carina #maya and carina station 19 #carina x maya #danielle savre #robert sullivan #andy herrera #ben warren #miranda bailey #surrera #jack gibson

31 notes · View notes

pastorpresent · 3 years

Text

Bobby had always known there was something different about the Winchester boys.

His friendship with John had quickly become strained, because he never quite understood the mans insistence of bringing the two boys into such a fucked up life. He butted heads with the eldest Winchester pretty much every other week, but he had to admit he saw his boys like his own sons.

The first time he met them, Sam had been 8. He hadn't known anything about monsters that lurked in the night, thought his daddy was just a buisness man. He had been a painfully shy and tiny thing, sat pressed firmly against Dean as he clung to his older brother and gave Bobby tentative looks.

After he lets Sam have access to his library, the kid seemed to settle a lot better. He spent 70 percent of his time with his nose in a book, 20 percent talking about his book and 10 percent sleeping.

Dean had been 12. He knew all about all the horrific monsters of the world. If he hadn't been so small, Bobby would've believed him to be far older. He acted like it for sure. He wouldn't let Bobby get near Sam for those first few visits, either. He was like some sort of silent guard dog, always sat close to wherever Sam was just flicking through a comic or watching TV with an arm always draped around his younger brother. If Bobby got too close to Sam his face would harden, and that arm around his brother would tighten even if Sam seemed oblivious.

After half a dozen visits, Dean seemed to decide he wasn't a threat.

He was still quiet and spent most his time watching Sam but he didn't look at Bobby like he was trying to make him drop dead from a single stare anymore whenever he got close to Sam.

Sam really warmed to him. He would babble endlessly about what he had been reading about and a few times they tossed a ball back and forth outside together. Sam was like a little ball of sunshine after that initial shyness melted away, and Bobby had really hoped that he wouldn't lose that positive outlook once John inevitably taught him about the horrors of the world.

He wasn't sure how Sam found out eventually, but he could pin point it directly to that three week gap between one of their visits and the next.

And Bobby's hopes for Sam to remain bright and happy were dashed.

That visit was a good three years after he first met the boys, but the tension made it feel like one of those very first ones.

John had dropped them off with nothing but a gruff 'see you in two weeks', and Dean looked frustrated and upset, grabbing both him and Sam's duffel before pulling open Sam's door and practically dragging him out.

Sam hadn't said a single word. He hadn't said hi to Bobby, or locked him in one of those crushing hugs he had began associating with the kid.

And if Bobby thought Dean carried himself older all those years ago? He kept forgetting Dean was 15 rather than 30.

Sam hadn't picked up a single book during those two weeks, just sat curled up in a ball next to Dean while jumping at every slight noise. Bobby cooked his favourite meals, but Sam barely ate any of them. He had a nightmare every single night for the entirety of those two weeks, and Bobby would always rush in upon hearing the youngests terrified screams and cries only to find Dean already there with him curled up on his lap. Bobby watched him whisper reassurance, kiss the top of Sam's head as he rocked him back and forth.

That light in Sam's eyes had gone out, and Dean's green ones had grew duller.

He had never hated John Winchester quite as much as he had during those two weeks.

Eventually things got back to normal. As normal as they could be, anyway. Sam began reading more lore books, asking Bobby on parts he was unsure about. He was never that happy little kid again, but he seemed to be finding some acceptance for their situation. Dean seemed less on edge too, which wasn't surprising since Bobby had long learnt that a calm Sam typically made for a calm Dean.

It was shortly before Sam's 15th birthday when he began to notice something else.

Nothing monster related. At first, Bobby was convinced he was being a paranoid idiot. He must be reading stuff wrong, or twisting perfectly innocent things into something they didn't deserve to be.

But Sam always came out of their room in Dean's shirt. He watched Dean wipe food from the corner of Sam's lips, and the way their eyes lingered for a beat too long on one another. They still sat far too close, and a couple of times Bobby was convinced he had seen Dean's arm slung low around Sam's hip poorly covered by a blanket.

He had his suspicions, but he still refused to believe it. They had always been oddly close, but it was always just... a protective brother thing. An inevitable product of their unstable upbringing.

It was three months later when he got his concrete proof that whatever was going on with the Winchester boys was far more than that.

He had woken up far earlier than normal, and decided to go make a start on breakfast. Except when he got to the doorway of the kitchen, Sam and Dean were already up.

"Hmmm, I'm glad dad didn't take you with him this time." Sam's tone was soft, made even softer by the tinge of sleep still present.

Bobby peeped around the doorway as subtly as he could. Sam was sat on the cluttered kitchen counter, in one of Dean's old ACDC shirts. Dean was stood between his spread thighs, face buried in Sam's neck.

"I know baby, missed you so bad last time." Dean murmured, so quiet that Bobby almost didnt hear. Dean lifted his head, sending Sam a gentle smile so very similiar to those fond ones he used to send his little brother years before, when Sam said or did something particularly impressive.

Bobby's head was swimming with so many questions. He wasn't... he wasn't disgusted, or disappointed even.

Part of him already knew. And an even deeper part of him knew this was inevitable, something absolutely natural for their paths in life even if everyone else would vehemently argue otherwise.

"Kiss me, De."

Bobby turned and left, padding back to his bedroom as silently as he could manage.

Something had always been different about the Winchester boys, but he would never label it as something wrong.

He just hoped they were damn better at hiding it from their dad, because Bobby had no idea how the man would react. But while they were under his roof? Bobby would play the role of blissfully ignorant for them easily.

#sam winchester #dean winchester #sam and dean #weecest fic #weecest drabble #wincest fic #wincest drabble #wincest #weecest #sam/dean #samxdean #samdean #bobby singer #john winchester #mywriting

110 notes · View notes

stillwinchester · 3 years

Text

destiel, baby!jack, cas didn't die in 12x23 and took him to the lake house, dean found them

I miss you

Read on AO3

“Dean?” It's not like Cas didn't expect to see Dean again, of course, he did, but not like this, not here and not so fast after their paths split apart.

He hasn't seen him for two, the longest in his life, months. He made his choices when he decided to raise Kelly Kline's baby. For the first time he stopped being selfish, he didn't stay with Dean, he chose Jack. And now, Dean Winchester stood in front of him on the porch of his lake house.

“Hi, Cas!” Dean grinned like nothing bad ever happened between them. It looks so similar to the smile he gave him when he worked at Gas 'n Sip as Steve. A smile full of sadness and guilt.

Cas hidden his Angel Blade, believing that it was no longer necessary. He still maintained the eye contact with Dean, and he didn't move even one inch.

“Can I come in?” Dean spoke again, this time he's serious like he wasn't sure if Cas will let him in. Dean Winchester was scared of rejection. Cas hesitated for a second, but eventually, he nodded and made one step back. Dean walked in, and followed Cas to the living room. They seated together on the couch, they could feel the tension in the air.

“How did you find us?”

“It's not like you made it easy, buddy.” Dean was looking around, judging the house. “It's nice place. For a kid.”

Cas ignored this note. He didn't feel like having small-talk. Dean was here because of some reason, and Cas needed to know what was that. “Dean, why are you here?”

Dean looked at him and licked his lips nervously. For a moment, he was just staring at him with open mouth, but any word escaped them, like he was too afraid to say why he's here.

“I'm checking on you, is it something bad?”

No, it wasn't. But Cas knew it wasn't all the truth, not really. He would've been delighted if Dean was worried about him, but he didn't expect that. It's not like he was so important that anybody could care about him. And there was also Jack, they hated him only because he was Lucifer's son, but for Cas, he was his kid, and he would do everything to protect him. Anyway, Dean didn't drive six hours from Lebanon just to "check on him". Maybe something bad happened? Maybe Sam is hurt? And Cas can heal him?

“Where's Sam?” asked Cas, looking at the door like he just expected the other Winchester there.

“He's... not here. He's in the bunker. I came alone. Is it... Would you prefer Sam instead of me? To checking on you,” he finished awkwardly. Dean looked very tense, he clenched his fist, and scratched his neck with the other hand.

“No,” he said quickly. “I mean, I don't need a babysitter, Dean. I'm fine, thank you for your concern.”

“Yeah, sure. It's my job, right?”

Cas frowned. His job? What was he talking about? Cas wasn't anybody's job. He was the one who needed to carry too much all the time. He didn't have time to ask about that because in the other room a baby started crying. Dean turned his head to the noise source, but didn't comment on it.

“Excuse me,” said Cas and stood up. He went to the baby, not knowing that Dean followed him immediately.

“Hi, Jack. I'm here. Dad's here,” he whispered calmly, taking Jack from the cradle. He kissed his forehead, and the kid stopped crying at once. “You're hungry, right? We'll make you a bottle, come on.”

Cas turned around to leave the room when he met Dean's eyes. Still with a kid on his arms, he stood and stared at Dean.

“You're doing great job with the kid.” It sounded honest, and Cas almost believed that. Dean was smiling, looking at the kid, and there was no disgusted. Cas was prepared that Dean saw in Jack only son of Satan, but to his surprise, he saw just the baby.

“Thank you, Dean. ” He took a few steps forward. “I need to feed him, now. Can we talk later? Give me, let me say, fifteen minutes?”

“Of course, Cas.”

They went to the small kitchen. Cas took baby formula, still holding Jack.

“May I help you?” offered Dean, but Cas shook his head, pouring water to the pot.

“I can handle with that.”

“It's danger to hold a baby near the stove. You can burn him... Just give him to me, I can take care of him for five minutes,” insisted Dean. Cas turned to him, and bit his lip as he wasn't sure if it was good idea.

“I-” he began, but nothing more came from his mouth.

“I won't hurt him, Cas.”

“I know.”

Cas gave him Jack, who shifted a little, but didn't protest that some strange person was holding him now. He seemed to be interested of him, his little fist tried to reach Dean's chin.

“Hi, buddy.”

Dean met Cas' eyes, the angel was staring at him with a shy smile, but after Dean caught him doing it, he immediately came back to prepare a bottle. Ten minutes later it was ready, and when he wanted to take Jack back, Dean spoke again.

“Come back with me, Cas.”

“What?” Cas blinked twice.

“Come back home. The bunker is a safer place,” Dean repeated. So, it was the real reason. Dean wanted… needed Cas back.

“I can't.” Cas took Jack and started feeding him, not looking at Dean.

“Of course, you can. But maybe you just doesn't want to,” he said reproachfully.

“I want to. You have no idea, how much I want to. But I can't risk that...” he stopped. He almost said it, but he knew it would hurt Dean. Even if it was the truth.

“Risk what?” asked Dean, not understanding anything. From his perspective it wasn't any risk, Cas and Jack will be safe in the bunker, that's all, simple fact.

“Never mind.”

“Risk what, Cas?” he repeated, a little to loud. Jack shifted in Cas arms.

“Shh, Jack, it's okay.” Cas tried to calm the baby, after Jack was eating again, he looked at Dean. “I can't risk that one day you'll kick us out!”

On Dean's face appeared a real terror. He opened his mouth to say something, but he changed his mind at the last moment. Instead, he turned back and left the house. Cas didn't stop him, not this time.

Dean left, and maybe it was better. Maybe Cas would miss him less, when they were fighting, when he didn't stay longer. Because every minute he was here, Cas knew he was gonna miss him even more. And he knew he couldn't go with him.

Cas changed Jack's diaper, read him a story which a baby couldn't understand, and put him in the cradle where he could sleep. An hour later, he looked out the window and saw that Impala was still there. It was almost evening, and it was a long day for all of them. Cas went outside and knocked in the car's window. Dean opened a door, but didn't say anything.

“Dean, come inside, there's a bed. And you can catch a cold if you'll sleep here.”

Dean looked at him, tired and devastated.

“You really want me there? Are you sure?” he asked, and Cas nodded.

“Yes, I'm sure. Come on!”

Dean got out of his car and followed Cas.

“Actually, why do you have a bed, you don't sleep.”

“It has been there already. So, I keep this, just in case.”

Because I hoped you find me one day…

“Cas, about earlier. You need to know, I'd never do this again. And I mean it. I want you in the bunker. I would know that you're safe,” he explained, and Cas' heart skipped a bit. He cares, he thought. “And, you know, we could control the kid, we don't need another Apocalypse.” Of course, it wasn't because he was worried, but because he didn't trust Jack.

Cas said nothing, he made his decision long time ago, even before Jack was born.

��I'm sorry, Cas.” Dean started again. “I'm sorry that I didn't trust you. And I'm sorry that I left you with all of this.”

“I was the one who left. It was my decision,” said Cas to end this subject. Dean nodded, agreeing with him, but repeated his apologies one more time anyway.

“Still, I'm sorry.”

Cas left Dean a card that he and Jack went for a walk. It wasn't necessary because when they came back, Dean was still sleeping. Cas was staring at him like a hundred times before, he looked so calmly, lying on his stomach. Cas knew he was sleeping this way only if he felt safe.

Dean woke up half an hour later, and he met with Cas in the kitchen.

“Mornin'.”

“Hello, Dean,” he greeted him. “I went with Jack to the farmer markets, and bought a few things you could eat for the breakfast.”

“Umm, thanks, Cas. You didn't have to.”

“You're my guest, Dean… And my best friend, of course, I have to.”

“All right… Any chance you have also a coffee?” he asked, rubbing his eyes.

“Yes, Dean. Of course, I have a coffee.”

It has been four days since Dean appeared on the porch of the lake house. It was a wonderful time, but Cas started feeling anxious. How long was Dean going to stay? When will he leave him again? When will he crash his heart into a million pieces? He didn't want to get through this one more time, he needed to know what Dean was planning.

“Dean, how long will you stay?” he asked in the evening, when they were sipping a beer together. Jack was sleeping, and Dean had brought some wood earlier to make a fire in the stove. It was nice, warm and familial, just like home…

“I-I thought I'll stay until I convince you to come back with me... But we know it's not gonna happen, so I can go whenever you want.”

“I understand.” Cas nodded and took a sip of his drink. Dean did the same, and after that, he put the bottle on the coffee table.

“I'll leave in the morning,” he decided, not looking at Cas.

“It will be for the best.”

“Good.” Dean didn't sound like anything was good. He took a bottle again to keep his hands busy.

“Yeah, good,” said Cas with the same enthusiasm as Dean. Screw this, nothing is good, actually.

Dean was washing dishes, and Cas came to help him. They were doing it in silence, feeling a tension in the air. Tomorrow everything will get back to normal. But Cas didn't want any normal. Not anymore.

“I'm sorry, Dean.” he started, putting the last plate on the dryer.

“You don't have to be sorry.”

“But I am.”

“Okay.”

Dean looked at him and put his hand on Cas' cheek gently, brushing his cheekbone with his thumb.

“Dean…” Whatever he wanted to say, it didn't matter anymore. He forgot it anyway in the second Dean's lips met his. Cas didn't know if it was a good or a bad kiss, but for him, it was the perfect one. The perfect because Dean was kissing him.

“I missed you...” murmured Dean when they pull away. His hand found Cas waist, and he didn't want to let him go.

“I missed you too.” Cas wasn't sure if Dean could imagine how much he missed him. How much every minute without him made his heart ache.

“Come back with me, please. I promise I won't hurt you again. And I promise I'll do my best to help you with Jack.”

“Dean...” Just his name, but the tone was enough for Dean to understand.

“I know. I know, but I had to try once again.” Dean kissed Cas forehead. “I understand.”

Cas shook his head.

“No, you don't. Dean, I want this, whatever it is, I want this, and I want to come back with you. But I can't think only about myself, not this time, not with Jack... I don't reject you, Dean. I would never reject you, I dreamt about it for years, and I want you to be my family, but Jack... He's my son. He's my responsibility. I promised to protect him, and I'm going to keep my promises. But I don't reject you, you must know that.”

“Yeah... So, why it sounds like that?”

“Dean...”

“It's okay, Cas, I get this. It was selfish, and you're right. Jack should stay here, grow up, be happy. He has a chance for this here. You're amazing father, I believe you can handle this. You were doing a great job for now.”

“Thank you, Dean. And I'm sorry.”

“I'm sorry too. But maybe it's gonna be the best for us. Starting new lives apart.”

Dean stopped touching him. That was it, the end of the moment of true happiness. Now only cold left.

“Dean, don't say like that, please,” he started. “I... I lo-”

This time, Dean was the one who shook his head like he didn't want to listen to him.

“Don't say it. Don't even dare to say it.”

Cas nodded, maybe it wasn't the best time to confess. Maybe he needed to be patient, he needed to wait.

“You know why did I ask you to leave?” asked Cas. “Because I knew it's gonna be harder if you stay. Every day made that I would miss you more.”

“Yeah… Me too, Cas.”

Dean went to sleep, so Cas had all night to think. Think about them. About Jack. And about the future. And the future, which he saw when Jack showed it to him a few months ago, told him what he should to do. Cas made his decision.

“I made you a breakfast and coffee, you find it in the kitchen,” Cas said fast after Dean came downstairs, still in his hot dog pajama's pants. “And later, you could help me pack all this stuff to Impala.”

He pointed at two suitcases, and a lot of baby's stuff like cradle or diapers.

Dean looked at Cas and later at the baggage. He couldn't help the big grin, it was the best news he could receive.

“Of course,” he said, but he didn't go to the kitchen, still staring at Cas, and a few seconds later, he shorted the distance between them and gives him a deep kiss.

“What was for that?” asked Cas when they pulled away.

“Just because.”

“Can you do this again?” he asked, and he didn't need to tell this twice. The next kiss was even more passionate. Dean's lips found his immediately. They were kissing for a long time, and after they pulled away, they were still close to each other.

“Cas?” he whispered.

“Yes?”

“I...” he started, not sure how to say this. “Me too, Cas. Me too.”

One hour later, they are in the car. Three of them, driving to their home.

And yes, maybe it was going to be hard. He needed to learn how to be a good father, he knew he won't be like Cas, but maybe he could just try to be the best version of himself? Maybe he could love the kid like his own? And maybe, for the first time in their lives, everything will be fine?

He doesn't know that. But there's one thing which he's certainly sure. They were family, and only it mattered.

#destiel #deancas #spn #supernatural #destiel fic #fic #fanfic #castiel #dean winchester #cas #writing #fanfiction #baby!jack #mine

25 notes · View notes

dailydestieldose · 3 years

Text

Reboot Head-canons

I’ve thought about this a lot, and here’s the thing:

Dean’s not biologically John’s son

Because of their blood types

Maybe Mary slept with one of John’s (much better) brothers

Shamelessnatural!!!!

And the narrating is Dean explaining that to somebody, hopefully briefly, maybe because of a complication with a case where he HAS to tell now.

Maybe he talks about how John knew, and that’s why he was always rougher on Dean, because Dean was a constant reminder of that betrayal, and that’s why Dean was raised a soldier and not as his son. Maybe Dean talks about how he figured it out in 5th grade. He had to do a project on his lineage and had to ask John questions about each family member, and none of his traits aligned with both his parents

Neither had green eyes and blonde hair, blood type disparities, eye flecks, etc. and Dean realizes, with how John was looking at him in that moment, with so much hatred. He talks about how John all but hated him, and always did, even when Mary was alive, but he tried not to let it show because FOR SOME REASON he couldn’t get himself to leave Mary, almost as if heaven itself was forcing him to stay and love her…

Dean talks about how he used to hate himself for it, but now he’s glad. He never met John’s brother, but he was kind, and if not for heaven’s cupid keeping John and Mary together, would’ve been legitimately good to Mary. And besides, Dean already has a dad. Bobby.

I want to see Dean talk about John’s homophobia and subtle sexism. About how much of a journey it was for Dean to unthink what John taught him. I want Dean to have friends in high school that all slowly come out as queer and we watch as Dean grapples with and then let’s go of his predjudice. I want a shameless scene like when the dad found Ian and Mickey together and I was Dean and his boyfriend to go live with Bobby.

I want them to talk about the times. Homosexuality was ILLEGAL for most of Dean’s life. I want him to talk about the fear. Friends being sent to conversion camps, helping them to run away, them being put on dangerous amounts of testosterone because people believed that it would “cure” the gay away. I want Dean to talk about the fear and the shame, but I want it to be like Hannah Gadsby on Netflix and her coming out speech. I want them to HONOR what it used to be like for queer people. When someone died of aids, cemeteries turned turn them down when their families asked to bury them there, hate crimes were rampant, police officers constantly raided and arrested queer spaces.

I want to see Dean being dropped off at a library as a preteen because it was public and free and John didn’t care about finding someone to watch him for now. And I want to see Dean find a book about the stonewall riots. I want him to narrate it like “Virtually Normal” by Andrew Sullivan.

I want Dean to talk about joining the football team, but sneaking behind John’s back to be a cheerleader. I want him to talk about his first love. I want him to talk about why he quit school and I want it to not be because he’s stupid. They need to show him going back to a library and educating himself, studying for his GED at night after hunts.

I want them to show Dean also wanting to get out of the life, but pushing it away because he had to keep Sammy safe. And when Sammy left for college, I want Dean to take stock of his life, and John to find Dean cuddling with Lee and watching tv, in love, and I want the shameless coming out fight scene.

And I want Dean and Lee to run away to Bobby’s after, and for Bobby (who Dean told years ago) to absolutely LAY INTO John about it. I want John to just agree to turn the other cheek, but for Dean to feel proud because Bobby accepts him. I want Dean and John to have a Boy Erased scene.

I want them to talk about how Dean was so in love and in beautiful relationships with his boyfriends through his teens that he could easily see himself quitting the life and settling down with them.

But chuck had to manipulate circumstances so that that never happened. I want Dean to lose love after love. And for him to MAKE himself grow cold to the idea. And then I want him to meet Cas. And Benny. And I want him to narrate how sometimes queer love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day. I want to watch him heal. So many queer people have to overcome similar trauma.

I don’t want it to end with Dean coming out. Why would that be the end? Queer narratives don’t revolve around straight people finding out we’re queer. I want them to just truthfully delve into what it was like for queer people, because it’s important, for us and for the characters.

I want them to show that queer experiences MATTER. TWO main characters can be queer and defy entire meta layers for that love. I want Dean to be narrating to Cas about how the men that Dean’s loved before taught him how beautiful queer love can be and that because they cared about Dean, Dean became so much more than god himself intended or could stop.

In other universes, Dean didn’t meet the same people, or at the right time, and so was never the man that Cas was capable of falling for. I want to see the shaping of Dean. But I want to see John (rightfully) posed as an obstacle that Dean had to overcome, both John’s immediate abuse and his legacy. Jensen has always very subtly played Dean as a victim of John’s abuse, and we know that he has issues with his own father. I do not truthfully believe that he would take this time to glorify John.

I, for one, am ready for this reboot, it’s about time Dean gets to break his silence.

#original #fuck john winchester #reboot #spn drama #bi dean #queer dean #gay cas #headcanons #original writing

34 notes · View notes

funkymbtifiction · 3 years

Text

communication style between feelers.

Hello again.

I read the post about Dean and I do not agree with the poster, but I’m not here to reply to her but to ask you a question she kind of raised and I always want to ask.

What are the communicative styles of Fi vs Fe in feelers .. once and for all?

Because online the same styles are given to both functions, and I’m super confused. In my own experience and what I’ve noticed, Fi are direct and expressive, Fe hold back and are more secretive and vague. Yet it’s not what is described under those functions, is it? I also wonder if it has more to do with introversion/extroversion and enneagram type more than feeling function?

Lets take Rory and Lorelai.

Rory the ISFJ: One of the reasons she’s one of my least favorite characters is because 50% of her lines are “no it’s fine” and “oh it’s okay”. And what frustrates me more is that she’s labeled sweet and polite and ‘the nicest kid in the world’ for it even though it hurt people around her. She never says what she actually feels and avoids these conversations and there are consequences.

- She likes Jess and wants to be with him? she drags Dean along and makes him go through emotional hell with the uncertainty and the clinginess that comes with experiencing someone pulling away slowly and them lying and telling you it’s all in your head. She disrespects him and lies over and over again. Being honest and upfront would’ve saved him all of that.

- After she dates him after his divorce the same exact thing happens. It’s not working and the relationship wasn’t what she thought it would be. She wasn’t okay with the Doose’s market food spread, spending time in his house with his mother watching them like hawk and sister blasting music. She wasn’t okay with him snapping at her and staying at his friend’s apartment and them rarely spending time together because he doesn’t have a car and the lack of proper dates. Does she communicate these things? nope, she drags it along until the action comes from him once again and he’s very hurt and feels not good enough again while she cries wearing a diamond tiara because he 'dumped her’ when she dumped him both times way earlier and simply didn’t verbalize it.

- She willingly allows Emily to manipulate her then gets super upset about it and takes it out on her when the person she should be angry with is herself for not speaking up

- When she wants to date Logan and he doesn’t initiate it she’s also upset instead of going to him and telling him she’s interested.

- When her and her mother attempt to end the grandparents separation, she let’s Richard cut her off and change the subject even though it was her idea and she felt very strongly about doing it that night

Lorelai the ENFP however wastes no time in that same episode. as soon as she was handed the drink she asked her mother directly “will you ever get back together with dad?”

- When Emily is being disrespectful or nosey she tells her to back off straight away.

- when her father does the same the day after spending the day at Stars Hallow she tells him “You’re judgmental, it’s none of your business, it’s my life not yours and I’ll live it however you want. this stops now”

- when max proposes to her and she thinks it’s the wrong way to do it she says so immediately

- when sherry tells Rory to visit all the time at the baby shower because Yale is near, Lorelai says “well yes, when she’s not spending time with me”. She makes it clear.

- Christopher told the Rory of how she kissed him when they were young because 'she wanted to know what it felt like’ which is completely different than Rory who gets passive aggressive because of Logan.

That being said. Both characters are unhealthy in expressing themselves one is your face and one acts like a doormat and is upset when someone steps on it. I’ll talk about my experience with IxFJs. I love them, but unfortunately we run into the same miscommunication wall. I’m an xNFP (leaning towards ENFP). Maybe it’s the Te in me but I like things clear and efficient in the sense that I want it out in the open all of it, no matter how insignificant and embarrassing it may be. I want to talk about it calmly and gently, reach a decision or a common ground, take the lesson from it and MOVE ON. I hate things hanging in the air till they shape themselves like an elephant and become the one in the room. The IxFJs I’ve known hardly ever share if I’ve wronged them in a way and instead start behaving a little differently around me, they won’t reply the same way to my messages and there’ll be awkward silence. I don’t understand why? it’s a waste of time and energy. Fe think that by not saying the 'negative’ things and addressing the 'not so perfect feelings’ they’re not hurting anyone, but in reality it’s the opposite, it's the most hurtful thing when you’re passive and you let the person suffer for it.

I respect my people too much to make them feel stupid and play with their head and heart. I’ve told people I didn’t want to be friends with them anymore (and I was as respectful/friendly/considerate as I could while doing it). Difficult, honest, conversations hurt less than lack of honestly and action in my opinion, especially on the long run when the person calms down and is able to think logically.

And I love my people so much that I don’t want to go days without talking to them because of an argument that could be resolved. I hate sleeping on unresolved business. Rory runs away every time she doesn’t like want to have a hard conversation with her mother, either to her grandma’s house or to Europe or the live in the pool house for months and poor Lorelai just waits.

I don’t relate to the INFP’s post at all about Fi finding it hard saying I love you. If anything I over do it. with handwritten letters and long messages and presents and on the phone and in person and written in the sky if I only I had the money

so which communicative style belongs to FJs and which to FP? I stand by Fi (direct and clear communication) and Fe (avoidant and passive).

----------

It sounds like you have a solid ability to be honest and open about your feelings, and that’s admirable. You’re clearly not an avoidant personality, but that’s not the case for a lot of feelers. I think what you’re objecting to are attachment type behaviors, within the Enneagram system (3, 6, and 9). Rory, who is either a 9w1 or a 6w5 (probably a 9w1, given how you just described her) is an avoidant personality who isn’t sure what she wants most of the time, is afraid of conflict and confrontation, and has separation issues. She is indeed passive-aggressive and avoidant, and puts her friends and family members through hell while tying to sort out what she wants and how she needs to communicate. And it’s not good. Her behavior with Jess was especially bad, because she was really into him, didn’t want to admit it to herself, couldn’t admit to Dean that she had emotionally moved on, and didn’t know what to do about her feelings… so she strung him along.

Healthy people learn to put things out in the open and be clear about their feelings, but a lot of feelers of both types don’t know how to do this. I would say it’s easiest for ESFPs and EFJs, because of the direct communicative style of Se/Te and Fe-dom. Fe-doms can’t help talking about how they feel immediately as it happens, because it’s the center of their world. As regards your complaints about IFJs… avoidance happens, because IFJs are less sure about their feelings and how to communicate them in ways that are non-offensive to others, and about 80% of them are 9w1s, which compounds the problem of being avoidant. They don’t want to risk an argument, deal with your hurt feelings, or insult you in any way, so they ignore the problem and hope it goes away, but it never really does. They avoid you, afraid of what they might say that could be hurtful, and procrastinate about being honest. (I too have had this happen.) They aren’t sure of how much separation they want, if a relationship sours, because their minds are fuzzy on the issue (they are mad, then not mad, want you, then don’t want you), so they can send you mixed messages.

But, and I will say this, I have done the exact same thing. I am not proud of it, but I’ve done it. I’ve not known how to say, “Look, I am unhappy with this relationship and I want out.” Instead, I become more distant and wait for you to catch the hint, unless it’s in a romantic relationship and there I will say, “It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t want this” in a nice way. My 9 fix tries to ignore things, even if they bother me a lot, to maintain a connection. In the past, I’ve not been a direct communicator, though I’m teaching myself to be more so and just ask. I’m way more comfortable writing “Love ya!” than having a serious “I love you” conversation. Like the INFP, a lot of my feelings are buried deep inside and not things I discuss with people.

So, to answer your question: FPs are more direct simply because low Te is blunt as hell. They may dance around things but eventually blurt out the truth. Fe is more indirect but also more polite and able to tell people things “nicely” by finding a way to soften it. But you are still going to find FPs who are unclear and indirect, and FJs who are direct and quite clear. So it really depends on the kind of Enneagram type you are dealing with. An EFJ 8 won’t mince words, and an IFP 9 won’t be direct with you.

#question #enneagram #mbti #submission

41 notes · View notes

avyssoseleison · 3 years

Note

Funnily enough I was going through a lot of your old fics yesterday for nostalgia reasons and now can't stop thinking high school enemies to lovers deancas ideally with some punk!cas nerd!dean maybe? Fully understand if that prompt doesn't tickle your fancy though

Please enjoy these 3.2k of enemies to homework buddies!

“Winchester.”

Dean will ignore him.

“Hey, Winchester!”

Dean will most definitely ignore him. Just keep on walking. If Novak thinks he can’t hear him, surely he’ll leave him alone. He’ll go bother someone else, and Dean will finally be free of him.

“Winchester!”

Dean hears, but doesn’t listen. He starts humming to himself when there’s suddenly a hand on his shoulder, ripping him out of his thoughts.

“Hey, I’m talking to you, you assbutt!”

And there he is, of course: Castiel Novak. With his dumb boots and even dumber leather jacket, and, dumbest of all, that small little frown that slowly morphs into a way too pleased smile the longer Dean glares at him.

Christ.

By the time when Novak’s smile turns into a full-blown grin, Dean finally musters up the strength to look away. The soft rustle of tree crowns in the distance reminds him of what a great morning he has been having, and what a perfect day it could have been, had Novak decided to leave him alone. As it is, his day might turn out a bit marred, after all. A bit more normal, perhaps.

“‘Assbut’?” Dean quips, way too late. “What kinda insult is that?”

“What kind of delayed comeback is this?” Novak counters.

“It’s not as delayed as your…” Dean doesn’t really know enough about Novak to be able to insult him in any meaningful way, and what he knows of him, he doesn’t want to use. So, instead, he finishes lamely with, “...development.”

Novak could not look any less impressed, especially because the raise of his eyebrow alone continues their little banter in a manner that clearly suggests that if anyone’s development is delayed, it has to be Dean’s. However, that level of insult is apparently not one Novak deigns to lower himself to, as he continues to look smug while busying himself with lighting a cigarette and blowing out a lungful of smoke with obvious relish.

Dean makes a face and pointedly waves his hand in front of his face. “Smoking’s bad for you,” he simply states, making Novak chuckle lightly.

“So’s a lot of things, if society is to be believed. I am not much of a believer, though, and I do enjoy the small pleasures in life.”

The small, self-satisfied smile Novak shoots him sends a strange feeling through Dean’s body, from his lips down to his very toes, and everything in-between.

Dean swallows. “What do you want, Novak?”

“Oh, nothing much.” Novak takes a drag while trotting along Dean who starts moving again, trying to put some distance between himself and the self-proclaimed anarchist. “I just have a small favor to ask you,” he says, sounding as though whatever he is asking for is actually not that small at all.

“Again?” Dean grumbles, thinking of Novak quickly copying his homework last week, secluded in that small parking lot that no one but Novak and some people in the know ever seem to use, and of what Novak did in return. “I’m not doing you any more favors, man,” Dean scoffs, and stomps on.

Nonetheless, Novak stays hot on his heels.

“Why not?” Novak presses, “I’m not asking for much -- I just need today’s Math homework. I didn’t hear Mr. Singer give us any, but Meg just told me he wanted us to solve like 15 fucking problems, and she didn’t do them either.“

“Of course not.“ Anything else would’ve been shocking enough — if Novak has a bad reputation, Meg Masters‘ is even worse. All kinds of rumors are going around about her, ranging from drug use to prostitution to downright witchcraft. Although Dean cannot confirm nor deny any of the rumors, he is inclined to believe most of them. And Meg Masters herself would probably laughingly accept any accusations -- she is that kind of person. And although Dean cannot help but grudgingly respect her for her attitude, he also resents her for it: and how could he not, when he works so hard to do what is asked of him, and stick to the rules? Yeah, the only way someone like Meg could shock Dean would be to actually do her homework for a change.

“Now, now,“ Novak chides playfully, even if it doesn’t seem like he cares all that much about it. “Meg does her best.“

“Just like you do, huh?“

At that, Novak‘s grin turns darker, a bit more dangerous. “So harsh, Winchester. I think you know better than most how sometimes, things are not as easy as they seem. That circumstances are different for everyone.“

“Yeah, yeah,“ Dean dismisses, with a pang in his chest, though he gets it. Unfortunately, he really does. “Anyway, I won’t give you the homework.“

“Why not?“

“Because why would I? I don’t like you and you only hit me up when you need stuff from me. Besides...“ he begins, then swallows back a proper explanation. “You know why.“

“Oh, I do?“

“You damn well know you do.“

“Hmm, alright.“ Novak takes another drag, unbothered. “Listen, if you give me today’s homework, I’ll make it worth your while.“

“Not interested,“ Dean says, already having a hunch of where this is going.

“No? Could be something similar to last time. You liked last time’s payment, didn’t you?” Novak asks, and it’s just like Dean expected.

Dean avidly fixes his gaze on the school building, still hidden behind some trees, but not too far off anymore. He will be safe there -- Novak would never dream of bothering him where anyone else could see.

“I fucking did not,” he argues, already feeling heat creep into his cheeks.

“Really? I could’ve sworn you did, what with all the blushing and squirming and your pants going--”

“Novak!” Dean barks with a swelling sense of despair. His entire face feels hot by now, and is probably as red as a tomato, “I sure as hell did not enjoy whatever you call ‘payment’ for last week. Besides, I wouldn’t even call it ‘payment’ so much as fucking ‘harassment’.”

There is a beat of silence. Then, “Are you serious?” Novak asks, in an unidentifiable tone of voice.

“‘Harassment’, ‘molestation’, ‘taking advantage’,” Dean recites, enjoying this now that he is gaining momentum. “You call it payment, I call it an affront, and--”

“Is that really what you think, Winchester?” Novak cuts in at the same time he stands still, his eyebrows drawn together in an unfamiliarly serious way. “That I harassed you?”

Dean stops as well. He looks back at Novak, his straight back and straightforward face, the way that he seems not just annoyed by the accusation, as Dean would have expected, but unsettled. As if he were taking Dean’s half-joke seriously, and reconsidering his own course of action.

Guilt wells up in Dean, and he holds his hands up in reassurance. “I didn’t--” he doesn’t know how to actually finish that sentence, so he just leaves it hanging.

There is nothing to say there, not really. What Dean said was half in jest, and half in… half in what he knows anyone else would think of the situation, or should think. It’s what Dean himself should think: that it was unexpected, unwanted, unreciprocated. That his animosity towards Novak just grew over it, that he truly hates him now. That there was no part of Dean that enjoyed any of it, no part of him that longs to do it again.

Novak keeps staring at him, though, reassessing. His stillness is as unnerving as his little smiles and contemplative looks usually are, even if in different ways. Regardless, he seems to come to some sort of conclusion as he takes in Dean’s still figure, the flush in his cheeks and whatever else there is to see, since he suddenly steps forward, closer towards him again.

“Harassment, was it?” Novak says, now with cold fire burning in his eyes that takes away Dean’s breath for just a moment. “Because I do seem to remember that you were the one who not only told me it was okay if I gave you a kiss on the cheek, but turned it into something more. By turning your head, parting your lips, not letting me go. You were the one who slipped me the tongue and kept going and going. You were the one who begged me to do more, kiss you more, touch you more, fu--”

“No!” Dean interrupts him, with burning cheeks and a stomach that has already dropped all the way down. “S-Stop making shit up, Novak. You know I’m not like that -- I’m not like you --, so I’d really appreciate it if you could leave me out of your fantasies. You were the one who harassed me--”

“--I just said--”

“--who pushed me to give him my homework in the first place--”

“--I asked you if it was okay to--”

“--and who made me do something I sure as hell neither enjoyed nor wanna do again.”

“Oh, really?” Novak asked, raising an eyebrow, in what might constitute a challenge or a feeling of false imputation, or both. “So, if I told you I’d love to kiss you again if you let me copy your math homework, you’d tell me no? Would what, cry harassment again if I dared touch so much as your wrist or even came close to you again? Or,” he continues, voice dropping into a darker tone while he does indeed inch closer towards Dean, close enough to touch him, and who remains where he is, rooted to the spot, “would you tell someone about it? Mr. Singer, perhaps? Or the counselor? Hmm, one thing’s for sure, though.” He laughs, but there’s no humor behind it. It sounds pained, even to Dean’s ears, knowing. “You wouldn’t tell your dad, would you? That you made out with a guy, and liked it? That you wouldn’t mind doing it again, given the right circumstances, some good excuse? Such as taking the long way to where you’ve parked your car, past the small parking lot you know where mine is and where I usually hang out? So that, I don’t know, perhaps I might come over when I see you, and all you had to do was bat your long lashes at me, bite your pretty lips, and wait for me to make a move again?”

It feels as if all the air is sucked out of Dean’s lungs. Standing there in front of Novak, feeling the heat of both his words and his body, he feels seen-through, known; and as lacerated and repugnant as an open wound.

Dean wants to draw back into himself, into his safe shell, but he can’t. “You’re ridiculous, man,” is all he can mumble out in return as he twists his gaze away from Novak.

They remain there like this for God knows how long. Dean, looking somewhere between their feet and Novak’s almost heaving chest, and Novak, with his face hidden from Dean’s view, but his hands clenched into fists.

By the time Novak’s hands open again, it feels as though an hour has passed, though it probably were mere minutes.

“Alright,” Novak blows out on a breath, “let me make you a deal. Just so we’re on the same page, and we’re both absolutely clear on what is okay and what might be harassment or anything of the sort.”

Hearing Novak say that word again revives the feelings of guilt in Dean, but he knows he’s made his bed, so now he has to lie in it. So, he swallows and nods, feeling all of his body tense. “What kinda deal?”

“It goes like this: you either refuse to let me copy your homework and I won’t ever touch, much less kiss, you ever again. I’ll leave you alone. Or, you allow me to copy today’s homework at the very least, so Mr. Singer won’t call my foster home again, and you can choose whatever payment you want, as long as it’s somewhat reasonable. Money, cigarettes, beer, anything you want me to do, you name it. As long as you name it. I won’t give you what you’re not explicitly asking for.”

Dean frowns. “What? How is that a deal? It’s either you win or I do, no in-between. I mean, fine by me, but you get nothing out of it, so what gives?”

“It’s not that bad of a deal,“ Novak says, finally flinging his cigarette to the ground and grinding it out.

He gives no further explanation, though, which gets on Dean’s nerves even more. “You suck at coming up with deals, you know that?“

“Not really,“ Novak says, shrugging a little. “As I see it, it‘s win-win for you and win-lose for me. Which, for me, too: is fine. It all depends on what you want.” There’s something strangely soft in the way he is looking at Dean, something almost wistful. “And on whether you’ll actually express it.”

Put on the spot yet not, there isn’t much for Dean to do but nod in acquiescence. He’d like to pretend he still doesn’t get what Novak is going for, but he does, deep down. It’s both an in and an out -- what he was hoping for, but couldn't have asked for. Now he has to ask for what he wants, and if he doesn’t, he won’t get it. And he’s not sure he can. Not when there’s rules and expectations and the shadow of a man larger than Dean, larger than life itself, endlessly looming over him.

“Okay,” Dean says, pinching the bridge of his nose. Novak keeps staring at him in that stiffly intense way of his. “Alright. I mean, it probably would be pretty bad if you turned up without homework again, huh? Last I heard, you got into some pretty dire straits when Mr. Singer called your foster home, right?”

Novak huffs out a sound of amusement, his shoulders sinking in what looks like relief. “You’re well-informed.”

A furious blush threatens to stain Dean’s cheeks again. “It’s just what I heard. People talk. About you. And, uh, everyone else, I guess.”

There it is again, that soft expression. And Dean thinks he might recognize it now, impossible enough: Novak looks fond.

“They do,” Novak agrees, showing no offense at any possible implications of him being the talk of the school, which he most definitely is. “And yes, it was ‘pretty bad’, as you’ve said. I’d much rather not have a repeat performance.”

“Easy way to avoid it.”

“Yes, I’m working on it at the very moment.”

In spite of himself, Dean huffs out a laugh. “I meant doing your own damn homework. I know you’re smart enough to do it, even if you barely show up in class. You ace all the tests even when you weren’t there, so I don’t believe you couldn’t just as well hand in your homework if you fucking wanted to.”

Novak hums in open amusement. “Is that your own observation or people talking again?”

Feeling as though caught with his hand in the cookie jar, Dean just lamely stammers out a, “It’s-- it’s common knowledge, okay?” before setting into motion again.

Novak’s laughter follows him the first few steps, then he is beside him again.

“Who knows, maybe you’re right and I could take care of my own homework. But maybe I like not doing so, and asking certain other people for it instead.”

It’s obvious what -- or rather, who -- he means by that, that Dean is pretty sure his skin will never be anything but pink again. “Oh yeah?” he needles, “You got many people doing your homework? Giving them the same payment, too?”

“No,” Novak replies surprisingly quickly, “there’s only one person, and only one time I offered that type of payment.”

For a minute, they walk in silence as they almost reach the stairs of the school house. There’s few other people around, most of them just entering the building or looking at their phones, unheeding of the pair.

“So, we have a deal?” Novak eventually asks into their waiting silence.

“You can have today’s homework,” Dean relents, holding out on what he knows Novak is actually going for.

“Thank you, Dean,” Novak says with a gummy smile.

The sound of his name stirs Dean him up a bit more, reminding him of the only other time when Novak called him by his first name: when he was crowding Dean up against a wall, removing his glasses, and kissing his cheek so softly that Dean needed more, needed to be closer to this other guy, to this enigma of a person.

“Don’t mention it,” Dean mumbles.

“As for your payment…?” Novak probes, though with his voice in a whisper as they are close enough to other people now that they might otherwise be overheard.

“Don’t know yet,” Dean says, his voice clipped.

“I’m sure you already have something in mind.“ It’s completely uncalled for Novak to say this in such a low and heady way.

“Maybe you do, but I don’t.“ He doesn’t know, he thinks. He can’t, is why. He won’t, he tells himself.

“Dean,” Novak says, using his first name again, as if they were friends or something more, sounding intimate in the most casual way, and that does it.

“Damnit, Novak, I want—“ Dean bursts out.

Novak looks at him in expectation, all of him turned towards Dean, listening.

He won’t, he won’t, he can’t.

Can’t he?

“—time,“ Dean finishes lamely.

Novak pulls a face that clearly says, ‘I’m not mad, just disappointed.’

Which is all the worse.

“Listen, Novak, you… you might be right.“ Dean pulls a face. “I can’t believe I just said that. But yeah, I might have an idea of what I want, what I’d like to have,” he pointedly does not look at the other boy or anything else but straight towards the school. “But you’re also right in that my dad wouldn’t— I can’t--” He swallows, tries to shake the thought out of his head, but it unfortunately stays stuck. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll think about it, okay?”

“You will?” Novak asks, sounding hopeful.

“Yeah, sure. Maybe.“ He blows out his breath, scrubs a hand through his own hair, and continues, “Might take me some time, though. Maybe a long time. Maybe forever.“ He laughs mirthlessly. “So, today’s homework might actually turn out to be a freebie for you.”

The expression on Novak‘s face is hard to read, but undeniably one he usually does not show in public. For a second there, Dean thinks Novak wants to reach for him: his hand lifts and opens just so, swerving in his direction. Before anything comes off it, though, he drops his hand again, burrows it in his pocket and says, “Take all the time you need, Dean.“

He might have to, Dean thinks. Probably nothing will come of this, not right now, maybe not for as long as he is as young as he is, dependent on his father’s will, bound to him for freedom. Perhaps, though, some other time, in some distant future, or hidden behind some bleachers, he might find a taste of liberation, or the touch of Novak’s lips again.

Dean turns away from the other boy as the school bell rings, the call-back to the present not quite as oppressive with blue eyes and a soft smile still impressed on his mind.

#simpingfortimstoker #miriam writes #destiel #punk!cas #nerd!dean #spn #oooooooh boy this was a pain and a half to write #not because of the prompt itself but because i wrote the story in chunks over a couple of days #and about halfway through the tone suddenly changed so i had to readjust (rewrite) what i already had #and ive been struggling to make this into something that i like #but i actually like how this turned out (and am shocked by its length lmao)#and i hope you like it as well!#funnily enough i usually skip punk cas stuff but when i read your prompt an idea immediately came to mind #and i was like 'yeah lets give this a try!!'#fanfiction

150 notes · View notes