#and people don’t realise just because I fuck around with my designs or share original stuff I work on

[manykinsmen]

okay formulating my thoughts on the potential rpf containment breach because i am a fandom elder here (both specifically in watching f1/engaging with the online fan community and being around in fan spaces as far back as the live journal days), history is kind of repeating itself here.

so back in the early 00s, all fanfiction, rpf or not, was treated as gross and niche. this was for a couple of reasons:

1. anne rice was hunting fanfiction writers (not just of her own works either) for sport.

2. fanfiction/many other forms of fanworks occupied a precarious legal position before the organisation for transformative works (the people behind ao3) came into existence. all those old fics that have big disclaimers at the top? yeah that was because there was a significant risk of intellectual property owners suing a fanfiction author if they worked out who you were (see anne rice hunting people for sport). there was also the hypothetical problem, that never really became a real problem, of authors reading fanfiction and using it as the basis for their next work (essentially plagiarising ) which would be legally tricky for the author themselves because it would become an ouroboros nightmare of copyright infringement.

because of this there was a policy of not showing fanfiction of any kind to anyone involved with the creation of the work. showing people rpf wasn’t even a thought. people freaked the fuck out when the those people displayed any hint of knowledge that fanfiction existed. the big notable containment breach on that one was people showing actors in the lord of the rings films fanfiction. it is true that most authors that spent enough time looking at their own fandoms online probably knew about fanfiction but it was a don’t ask don’t tell kind of situation. even the ones that loved the idea of it didn’t bring the conversation to wider culture for fear of what other ip owners would do to their fans is they realised this shit was going on.

thus an unofficial etiquette of fanfiction was born, which is as follows:

1. make no profit from your work. no tip jar for chapters, no commissions, nothing.

2. make it incredibly clear that your work is fanfiction and not original work, no matter how obscure the source material, and that you do not own the ip of the source material.

3. keep it to designated fandom spaces. so no posting on the big forums about it except in specifically dedicated fanfiction spots. do not share works you like with anyone, even other fans, unless you know specifically they are into fanfiction. no reposting, unless you’re the author. (so back in the day as there was the constant threat of an archive going down, people would print out their favourite fics).

4. never ever ever out someone’s real identity as a fanfiction author without their explicit consent.

eventually with everybody becoming very very online, most people became aware of the concept of fanfiction. the otw was then able to successfully argue that providing the authors were making no profit, fanfiction was a “transformative” use of the original work (the same way a video essay is). that is now the generally accepted norm and most authors view having lots of fanfiction about their work as a badge of honour. those that don’t care for it don’t say anything.

where we are currently at with rpf is where we were at some years ago with fanfiction more broadly. i would make an argument that all but the most out of the loop drivers are probably aware of the existence of some kind of fanfiction, and almost certainly of shipping. as much as they are f1 drivers they are also some of the biggest fans of f1 - how far can you get into the fandom without encountering fic? like trust me, they know.

so why is bringing it up to the driver bad etiquette? well first of all, because it breaches don’t ask don’t tell. you are forcing them to engage with a weird corner of fandom that they might not personally like. if they’re forced to engage with it, they’re forced to pass judgement on it. it’s like not getting strangers involved in your kink scene, even if they might be into it, it’s a breach of consent. remember: don’t ask don’t tell protects both parties in this context.

secondly, rpf offers a tenuous legal position still. like it could be argued to be defamation, illegal use of someone’s image etc. that makes it unsafe and a breach of consent from the author’s perspective. basically you’re fucking snitching. don’t be a snitch. no one likes a snitch.

do I think that maybe in ten years or so it’s gonna be normal for celebrities to engage with rpf? probably, yeah. is it a good idea to take matters into your own hands? fuck no and if you don’t shut your mouth I will shut it for you.

#f1 rpf

[bowiebond]

The blind Steve ficlet you wrote was amazing. Respectfully, imma need more of it please 😌🫴🏾🫴🏾

I don’t have more, but I do have a collection of headcanons I’d like to share with you from that universe 😂

- Steve has a cane for when he’s out and about. He likes to fall in public even after Billy warns him the floors slippery because it makes Billy laugh instinctively. And he’ll keep laughing even as Steve feigns offence, grasping as his arms more than a little indulgently as Billy is in near tears, helping him up.

“I can’t believe you’re laughing at the blind guy. You’re heartless, Hargrove.”

“Shut the fuck up, we both know you did on purpose, you’re making me look bad.” And he’ll get dirty looks from strangers who come up and ask Steve if he’s alright as Steve puts on the ‘woe is me, look at my awful friend who cares not for my safety as a poor, fragile thing’ act. Billy is going red in the face from both embarrassment and from holding back his laughter as ladies fall for Steve’s act.

- Steve is the perfect amount of deaf to tune out Billy’s ventilator when he sleepover (and eventually moves in). He can hear it a little if he’s sleeping on the left side of the bed instead of the right, but he finds it kind of soothing.

- Steve gives Billy’s mask kisses if he wakes up before him and no, Billy doesn’t know this for a long time and when he eventually finds out, he has to take a minute to try not to cry in front of his boyfriend.

- When Billy laughs too hard, he tends to break into coughing fits. Some days it’s fine and he can rub the pain away after, but on bad days Steve will help him sit back and make him tea, the honeyed one Billy likes. Just taking twenty minutes to calm down to be the difference between a good day and a shit one for Billy, and Steve tries his best to make it easier.

- Steve forgets people need the lights on when they go around the house. Billy realised this pretty early in. Steve’s got a few windows; one in the living room, another in the kitchen, a tiny one in the bathroom for steam to exit and a balcony attached to his bedroom. During the day, Billy doesn’t really need to turn the lights on anyway, so he doesn’t. He prefers it a bit dimmer anyway with his headaches.

Billy does invest in lamps tho; silly ones that look entirely out of place in Steve’s bare but posh apartment. Steve only realises the lamp next to their couch is a bright pink flamingo when Mike awkwardly points it out one day and Steve spends weeks giggling every time his hand brushes it while reaching for the remote (so he can listen to MTV). Eventually Billy asks what’s up and Steve goes hysterical with laughter, “THAT FLAMINGO LAMP HAS BEEN HERE FIVE MONTHS AND NOBODY SAID ANYTHING! NOT EVEN ROBIN!”

“Yeah, I told her not to say anything.”

“How many of the things you’ve brought for our place are like the flamingo?”

“…Like bird themed?”

“Anything that doesn’t suit the original design of this place.”

Billy is quiet a long time before he just starts listing off many, many things he’s brought home; a black Santa statue that made Lucas snort once, multiple cat themed mugs than Robin likes to steal when over, a Cookie Monster themed lamp in their bedroom, and half of their cushions? The ugliest designs he could think of were chosen as thrift stores. There’s also a birdbath on the balcony as of two days ago and Billy’s been waiting for Steve to put his hand in it by accident.

- Steve forgets to charge his hearing aids a lot. He doesn’t have to wear them as long as people speak up, but they’re handy in public when people don’t know he’s deaf, only blind. Billy usually ends up finding them somewhere in the apartment and charges them, but on occasion they’ll leave the house without them and Steve will have a server talk right at him, except he’s distracted so he’s not tuned in and well…

A hand touches his across the table and he jolted to attention.

“What’s up?”

“Steve,” Billy sounds like he wants to chuckle but is being polite. “The poor girls going red, what’re you having to eat?”

“Oh! Sorry!” Steve’s face burned as he fumbled, turning his head to the right.

“Left.” He turned left and smiled awkwardly, fidgeting with Billy’s fingers out of the habit.

“Just, uh, the chicken and avo special. Thanks.”

“Sorry! I didn’t realise!” She really does sound sorry, embarrassed, and Steve chuckles.

“It’s fine, at least he didn’t hear you.” Billy smirks at his own joke and Steve whacked him across the table, hitting his chest more than his arm.

“Don’t be a dick.” They’ll laugh about it later though when they get home.

- Billy has some bad scarring. It’s not smooth and seamless, it’s messy and bumpy, a mix of white tissue and spots darker than the rest of his skin even after years of healing. He still wore his shirts unbuttoned, but he usually wore singlets under them in public.

Steve can’t see the damage, but he likes to feel it sometimes. The skin is thinner and more sensitive in a strange way, and Billy will watch Steve’s hand travel along the ridges and bump while he reads to the brunet.

“It’s not pretty.” He mentions one day. “I don’t get why you like touching it so much. It’s ugly.”

“Well, pretty and ugly are descriptions people with sight use. I just…it proves you’re real. I can’t say pitch me if I’m seeing things I don’t believe are there. My mind couldn’t come up with a texture like this. That’s all. It proves you’re alive. That you’re here.”

Billy doesn’t ask again. He also denies the sniff he gives, blaming the book instead of his boyfriends words for his tears.

- Billy still has anxiety, but anxiety/panic attacks are Very Bad on his weak heart and lungs, so he eventually gets a service dog after a long discussion with Steve. Billy names her Donna and she’s a big fluffy retriever who is perfect for weighted pressure to ground him during attacks. That, and she can alert Steve if he needs medical attention due to the elevated heart rate or a coughing fit that’s going on much too long to be good.

- Hospital visits suck but are necessary. Billy has to have regular check ups for blood pressure, lung and heart health, his fatigue and chronic migraines. Steve gets his ears tested twice a year as well as a general check up - doctors are keeping a close on his head for trauma due to how much concussions he’s had in the past. Billy gets his eyes tested once a year, usually to change prescription.

- They pair always go together as support. Steve can be inclined towards PTSD-induced flashbacks when it comes to needles if he’s left alone and in the past Robin went with him, but she got antsy and would ramble a lot about things that really didn’t help Steve’s nerves. Billy will usually hold his hand through most appointments because doctors dress like scientists and scientists - they freak them all out. Steve doesn’t like their constant insistence on tests and Billy is not a fan either. They know they’re in safe hands, they have a favourite doctor they’re inclined towards, but it’s still scary, so they go together every time. They’ll move plans around just so they’re there for the other. (When they really can’t, Robin or Max can stand in but it’s not preferred. They refused to be separated during visits and it’s caused a few conflicts with doctors, but they’re willing to walk right out if not heard and find someone better. They know a good lawyer after all *cough* Nancy *cough*)

- They’ve disgusting in love and Steve forgets they’re not alone sometimes, which makes it very awkward for everyone when Billy’s been talking a long time in a group setting and Steve will just put a hand on his thigh and sigh. “Have I ever told you how hot your voice is? Cause it is. Wanna ruin mine?”

Any guest has learned to scream at the top of their lungs when this happens and Steve will always end up apologising profusely because he genuinely forgets other people are there sometimes, even when invited. Billy thinks it’s hilarious.

- Sex is a little harder for the both of them, but they’re learned to work around a lot of things in order to still fuck like they want to possess the other. It’s great. Plus, Steve gets to handcuff Billy to the bed frame most nights and just feel everything. It’s different from feeling someone’s face, relearning their expressions, the new lines on their face as they age. Billys sensitive all over, or maybe he’s just sensitive to Steve’s hand in general, but it’s intimate. Steve likes caressing him all over, likes to relearning his body every night, likes remembering the parts that haven’t changed.

It’s even more fun when Steve blindfolds him. Steve’s not used to people touching him outside of guiding him, and it makes him shiver all over when Billy explores his body with calloused hands, not just touching the parts that would entice a moan or a sigh, but all over. His neck, his shoulders, his arms and wrists. Down his torso and over his hips and along his calves and squeezing his knees. He memorises where his moles are after a few months, and makes Steve grin when he kisses them. Steve’s used to exploring other people, has to to see them through his hands, but there’s a feeling so special about being explored in return.

He only ever wants to explore and be explored by Billy.

#billy hargrove #steve harrington #blind Steve harrington #disabled!billy #harringrove

[raulfernandez]

Can you tell me about the stray kids members? :-]

Yes definitley can 😌😌😌

Okay first up we have Aussie Bang Chan. The most amazing leader you'll ever find. He writes and produces most of their songs, together with Changbin and Han as 3Racha but also Vocalist/Dancer/Rapper. Chan is born in 1997 and the oldest of them, trained for about 8 years and has a really cute habit of calling his members "the kids". He is really sweet and always tries to be there for his members, cause he said "they saved him" and does weekly live streams which lead to some people calling him stays therapist. Also he is friends with like the whole kpop industry lol and his rolemodel is Christiano Ronaldo for some reason...

Then we got Lee Know, born in 1998, dad of 3 cats, might be in love with Han, who knows, listed as dancer but also rapper/vocalist. 4th gen fish boy who doesn't know how to swim, but somehow the most normal member, or atleast the one with the most normal past lol apart from the fact that he was once on some National Geographics TV thing where he said that he wants to be a dance and the commentator went "Everyone of these hopefulls could be the next big thing in kpop", which is iconic to this day. He may seem cold and ignorant but his heart is freaking soft, he donates to many organisations to save kids and also animals.

Then we got my boy Changbin. Rapper, Vocalist and Producer. He is the fastest rapper in the industry and everybody who tells you different is straight up lying cause it's literally statistically proven. I'd say he's the best rapper cause he got good flow, his voice is steady and sounds amazing but some people might say otherwise so mhmm... One of his iconic lines "I love dark", and he always tries to seem like the dark rapper but can't sleep without his plushie. He's the smallest member with 167cm. He was also on 'King of masked Singer' (THAT PERFORMANCE!!!)

Then Hyunjin, the one who got called 'Prince' by his classmates, because it's literally true, just look at him, this man is the most talented person ever. Born in 2000, he is their Dancer, Rapper, Vocalist and Visual, he's also really good at writing lyrics and likes to draw, he designed the cover art for their latest single. We like to count him as part of Aussie line because he's english is adorable and he has a big Australian accent. The only tall member with 179cm. At one point he almost joined a religious cult on accident. After over 4 months he finally came back last week with his cover dance of 'Play With Fire' which he choreographed himself.

Now we got Maknae line, starting with Han Jisung, born on September 14th 2000, he likes to use that on Felix, who is a day younger than him, even if they still haven't figured out which one is actually older if you consider time zones. Rapper, Vocalist and Producer, the third part of 3Racha, who likes to doodle, 4th gen ace. He's born in Korea but somehow his members still think his Hometown is Malaysia because he lived and studied there. He was also on 'King of masked Singer' and his Nickname by his members is 'Squirrel' because he likes to stuff his cheeks with food when he eats. Predebut he had an accident with an alligator where he nearly died lol.

Then Felix, aka Sunshine, the other part of original aussie line, born on September 15th, a day younger than Han. Dancer, Rapper, Vocalist, can play the piano, Voice goes from deep af to high pitched, can also make mosquito sounds, that's what I call variety. Felix knows Taekwondo and his face doesn't really fit the super deep voice lol (Funfact, Felix shares his birthday with Day6 Jae.) He also donates to "Save the Children" monthly and since he was young.

The third part of "born in September 2000 line", Seungmin, their Vocalist. He is one of the best English speakers in the group, even tho he only learned it when he lived in LA for 3 months in 4th grade but we consider him part of Aussie line now. He went to the same high school as Chan, but I don't think they knew eachother then. His role models are Day6, he is their biggest fan and they acknowledged him as official president of their Fandom. He really likes photography and is a big fan of animals. When he was younger a helicopter crashed into his apartment building while he was brushing his teeth and he only realised it after he left the bathroom.

And last but not least, Maknae on Top I.N. Vocalist, born in 2001. He can play the piano and his special ability is singing trot. He was a child model when he was 7, his favorite color is hot pink and his role model Bruno Mars. He likes kids so if he wasn't in Stray Kids he'd be a elementary school teacher. His MBTI type results keep changing. He almost joined the religious cult together with Hyunjin.

Stray Kids are a fully self produced group, Chan choose the members himself and made it work, he helped all of them improve and he said it once in an interview, it was fate. They were meant to be. They produce their own songs, write the lyrics, even do some of the choreographies themselves and by now even their cover art. Even if they are under one of the big 3 companies, JYP (fuck jyp), their fandom promotes them better than JYP does, and some of them (especially Chan and Felix) are on social media platforms, constantly stalking their fandom and we still get scared everytime one of them knows about something that happened on like twitter or tiktok. Their fandom is one of the gayest you'll ever find in Kpop and recently we got called furries because Skz's song "Wolfgang" has a part where they fucking bark (but the song is really good!!)

Our fandom name is 'Stay' and the like slogan is "Stray Kids everywhere all around the world, you make Stray Kids Stay"

Anyways, that's Stray Kids from my perspective :D

#tw: long post #anon's

[oppabimbab]

if second chance exists | jeon jungkook

genre : heavy angst, fluff, break up, heart break, smut

starring : jungkook x reader

synopsis : you met him again after 365 days of being apart. nothing has changed except the fact that you and him are no longer together. the same wound, it is ripped open again when you realised you’re still deep in love with that man.

words count : 11k words

side note: this is another remake fics from original jinyoung’s fics. some people said they’ve got a good cry from this one so i changed the characters to fit the bts’s version. also, sorry for any errors and grammar mistakes. 

**

You look at the huge building right in front of your eyes. That is a hella huge one and you’re not sure why you are here.

  “Seulgi, I don’t think this is right,” you speak to her as she is adjusting her short dress along with her wavy hair. She looks way hotter than you’d expected but that’s not what matters now because you don’t feel like coming in.

  Well, you don’t remember how did you agreed to your best friend to go to this party? Maybe when you were drunk? You’re not really sure.

 But, now you’re here with a small nude dress wrapping around your curvy figure. Soft yet bold make up plasters all over your beautiful face. That shoulder-length hair compliments your face even more with its messy curl. That was all Seulgi’s touch—Well, she is a stylist.

 Seulgi raises an eyebrow and looks you from head to toe.

 “Babe, you look good and eatable. You need to show this to them. It’s a masterpiece,” she touches your hair a little, to make you look hotter than ever. You scoff at her remarks.

 “Yeah sure. It’s Miss Seulgi’s masterpiece, everyone,” you mock her and she chuckles.

 It’s Nayeon’s bachelor party. It’s been years since you left college which means you pretty much have lost the contacts with most of your ex group mates, classmates or whatever it is. But, Nayeon is one of those people who surprisingly still keeps in contact with you. You aren’t that close with her but Seulgi is. She happens to get married by this week and since she is pretty close to Seulgi, she took the chance to send the invitation to her and you. You definitely know Nayeon. Not that familiar but you know who she is and she knows who you are. That’s enough.

 “Come on. Tonight will be fun, I promise you. She only invites fun people and we are that fun people. Besides, you need to get a life. Find a dick,” she winks, swiping her red lipstick across her thin lips before smacking it. You look at her, pretty grossed.

  “No dick. I come here for beer and good food,” you shake your head and without any notice, you walk to the entrance, leaving Seulgi behind. She yells in protest.

 ***

 When both of you come inside, you’re overwhelmed by how good the decorations are. It’s far from what you’d expected. Well, you’d imagined a very wild party since it’s called young-hot-bachelor party like everyone claims but every parts of the decorations scream softness. It looks like a tea party you would go with your close neighbour.

  Which is a good thing.

 “Hey, do you think we are in the right place?” Seulgi whispers at you and you immediately get what she means.

 Your dress—short dress. It doesn’t look appropriate considered how this hall is decorated with. You hide a smile.

  Before you could say anything, you see someone from afar. He looks familiar. As hell. It takes you fpr few seconds to process before you get the real image.

  Namjoon. Kim Fucking Namjoon. What is he doing here? You immediately tilt your body to Seulgi, causing her to be confused at your sudden gesture. She looks around and you heard her small gasps.

  “Gosh, It’s Namjoon,” she says, sounds half excited and half panic. Not sure which one is more dominant but you don’t care. You don’t want to meet him. Fuck.

  Few seconds later, Seulgi sounds panic.

  “Hey, He is coming to us,” Seulgi whispers, tapping your arms softly but you remain freeze. Damn it. Of course, that guy would see them. Seulgi just can’t shut up and look away. Now, you have no choice but to meet him again after God-knows-how long has it been.

  You clear your throat and look back at his direction. Yes, he is coming. You fake a surprise on your face. This is not a good idea. Seulgi immediately excuses herself.

  “Hey, is that you? Is that really you?” he immediately speaks up to you the moment he stands right front your eyes. He looks handsome as he was before. Tall, bulk, smelled like fresh cologne and sweet smile. Perfect words to describe him. You smile at him.

 “Namjoon? It’s really you,” you’re not really sure what scares you the most but the sight of him or the other boys make you feel like running away. Not really but some kind of.

  Namjoon is your ex-boyfriend’s friend— Of course, looking at him reminds you so much about your ex.

  Jungkook. Jeon Jungkook.

  Namjoon flashes his charming smile.

  “I don’t know you would be here. I mean, it’s been a long time since I saw you,” he utters. You nod. Indeed. It’s been a long time. Perhaps, a year? You crack a soft smile before you could hear another familiar thing.

  Seokjin’s and Jimin’s laughter. You bring your eyes to the side, not too far from you and Namjoon.

  5 of the boys are there. You gape at the view. Namjoon would be here, it didn’t surprised you but all of the boys? You start to feel panic. What if...What if he is coming too?

  But, for some reason, the sight of them boys remind you of old day. Good old days.

  You were waiting outside the studio while looking at the night sky. It looked oddly brighter than previous days but you weren’t complaining. You liked night sky. Jungkook liked night sky too.

  Before you could do anything, you heard footsteps coming from the studio and the sound of door clicking. You tilted your head and looked at the direction.

  It was Jungkook. When he had his eyes on you, he couldn’t help but smiled a little. Or more.

  “Hi, sorry to make you wait,” he spoke with a boyish look all over his face before shutting the door closed.

  “No, it’s fine. I came here just to see you for a while,” you said, not breaking your eyes off him as he walked closer to you. It was crazy because the butterflies in your stomach felt like they were growing each time the distance between you and him disappeared.

  Jungkook is a composer. A rookie one. He has been wanting to be a music person whether it’s a composer, lyricist or an idol. He really wanted to be one of them but Jungkook knew he was too old to be an idol now.

  Everything was still new. A fresh new.

  Sometimes, you would find yourself coming to the studio just to see him and his work even it got little awkward when the studio was filled with boys— the 6 chaotic boys. At times, the studio is part of you even you have nothing to do with it.

  You were a graphic designer. Also, a rookie one. You loved doing graphic things, you loved creating something pretty according to your imagination. You loved everything about your dream and it finally came true.

  And the best part, you didn’t know you would share it with him. Your boyfriend for 2 years.

  “The boys wanted you to stay for a while. We are having small party for Taehyung,” Jungkook casually wrapped his warm big hand around yours. It’s getting colder these days.

  You raised an eyebrow at his reNamjoons.

  “Oh, is it his birthday? I’m sorry I stole you from them,” you said and he grinned widely. He knew you were joking.

  “You know it’s not. I don’t know, they just wanted to throw a party. I’ve told them I’m staying with you tonight,”

  You nodded with a small smile. You could feel his gaze on you despite the dim light didn’t do any justice to the sight. You looked up to find his eyes before scooted closer to him as you guys walked through the quiet neighbourhood.

  Hand in hand.

  It was 10 pm but the neighbourhood seemed quieter and colder than anything.

  “Jungkook,” you called him and he replied with a hum.

  “Remember when you asked me about my favourite thing about you?”

  He glanced at you with a raised brow.

  “I like your smell,” you added before bringing yourself to him and smelled his scent that you loved the most. You weren’t very sure how he smelt like. It was nothing like strong perfume or deodorant, definitely not that. He smelled like it’s him.

  Jungkook laughed out loud, a hearty one. His laughter filled the entire of small space around them. One thing about him— he always covered his mouth when he laughed while he has the best teeth and smile you ever seen. His laugh sounds genuine and full, like he meant it. For real, you loved it when he laughed.

 “What? My smell? What does that supposed to mean?” he said between laugh before shaking his head, refraining himself from laughing too much in this quiet alley. You pouted and slapped his shoulder softly.

  “I’m serious. I love that part of you. You smell like...” you stopped to find the right words to describe how he smelled like. Honestly, you didn’t know. It’s not a perfume, deodorant or anything else. Jungkook hid his smile while staring at your confused face. Patiently waiting for you to say how it smelled like because he was curious too.

  “Home,” you spoke and it received another hearty laughter from him. His chest is pounding as his whole body vibrating, amused at your answer. You find it annoying but then you find yourself laughing along with him.

  “I love it how you learnt so much from my flirty ass. You’re so good at this now,” he pulled you closer and took your hand inside his thick hoodie’s pocket. You can feel his thumb rubbed your knuckle in that small pocket that surprisingly could fit both of your and his hands.

 You stole a glance at him and you met his eyes. No words can describe how much love you had for this man. It has been 2 years of dating but how the hell you still feel the same butterflies like it was your first date? Saying how he was perfect was an understatement because he is more than that. You sent him your signature smile that he once told it was his weakness.

  He frowned.

  “No, no. Don’t give me that look. I know what you’re trying to do,” he moved his finger, stopping you from smiling that way but you didn’t care. You know he loved it anyway. Jungkook quickly covered his eyes with his other hand while shaking his head. You giggled at his gesture before taking his hand off his eyes.

 “Babe, carry me on your back,” you whined before pulling your hand from his pocket and stand behind him. Jungkook chuckled at your sudden hyper mood tonight.

  “What are you? 2 years old?”

  You grinned and hopped on his back before wrapping your legs around his waist and resting your chin on his shoulder. Nothing feels safer than his embrace.

  “Come on! You love me!” you screamed like a little kid before both of you were bursted into laughter. A happy one.

  “Hey? Are you okay?” Namjoon snaps.

  You immediately get your sense back the moment you heard his voice in your mind. What was that? Memories from a year ago?

  “Ah yes. Sorry, I was spacing out. What did you say?” you nod and chuckle nervously even you know there is an awkwardness plasters all over your face. Namjoon looks at you, worried.

  “Uhm, if you don’t mind, you can join us. You know, even we don’t talk as much as before but we always welcome you. The boys sure love to see you again,” he utters and for some reason, those simple words really do something to your heart. It’s somehow lovely yet aching to the point you don’t know how to actually react to it.

  The boys know what happened to you and Jungkook. When your relationship ended, you find yourself getting distant from the boys. Well, there is a logic in it. You have lost Jungkook, of course you’re going to lose everything around him. Including yourself.

  You rub your arm softly and nod.

  “Sure. I’ll see you guys later. I need something to do,” you say and Namjoon’s face lights up as you agreed. Namjoon has been always be that person whom you refer to the most during that old days. He is a quiet and responsible person despite surrounded by those dorky and goofy bunch of boys.

  You excuse yourself to go anywhere but stop when he calls your name again.

  “You look great. Like you always do,” he says with a sincere smile. Your heart lifts at his words.

  “You too, Namjoon,” you reply.

  The next second, you find yourself in a toilet while staring at your face. After 365 days or more, you’re now in the same place with those familiar faces.

  How odd it is? You don’t know why you would feel this anxious but seeing them is like seeing him. You remember watching him play and grow with those guys who used to witness your relationship with him.

  Now, his image comes into your mind and you can’t erase it. Or to be exact, he never left yours.

  You lean against the wall when a sudden sadness comes and fills your entire body. It’s sure the worst thing at this moment when you should enjoy yourself. At least. Of course, you wouldn’t want to look awkward and dull in front of Nayeon, the soon-to-be bride. No fucking way.

  You take out the wedding invitation from the small purse you have been carrying. The small card with few fonts on it reminds you of something. Something painfully sweet.

  It was 6pm. The sky looked like the mixture of deep orange and dark purple which gave you an excitement at the sight. Just like how you usually did, you took out the device from the pocket and snapped a few pictures of the sky. When they turned out to be just like you wanted, you smiled happily.

  Sky at the beach looked majestic, didn’t they?

  Without actually noticed, Jungkook has been staring at you.

  “Babe, there are thousands picture of skies in your phone,” he said, almost judging you.

  It was just another day where you would attend one of his close friend’s wedding which was something very common for you to do. Jungkook loved bringing you to any event or gathering every time he had the chance to do so. You weren’t complaining at all. You liked it when that proud grin plastered all over his face when he introduced you as his girl. You loved it when he would casually pulled you closer to his side, just to make sure you were there—with him.

  That kind of security you couldn’t find on anyone else but him.

  “What do you mean? The skies are different each days,” you protested with frown as you scrolled down the pictures you have taken. You know Jungkook was staring at you but you ignored it anyway.

  “They looked the same,” he shrugged. The steady wave made the cold water splashed on your feet as both of you guys walking along the beach. The beach was oddly quiet and empty, probably because it was almost night.

  “Alright, sir,” you keep the phone in your pocket and nodded, teasing him before you walked freely, leaving him few steps behind. You looked at the sea and inhaled the smell--your favourite scent after Jungkook’s.

  “This is so good. Life is good,” you said as your eyes strike to the sun that was setting, leaving the place almost got dark. The beautiful orange with a hint of black looked like it was straight from movie.

  It was weird. Every time you came here, it made you feel like everything is good. Yeah good. The serenity.

  As the water splashed, Jungkook came to your side.

  “Full of positivity. I love it,” he said and you looked up to him and see that smile you have been loving since day 1. His skin was glowing. His eyes were sparkling.

  “Ocean makes you become positive. I don’t know why,” you spoke and he giggled while nodding. Probably agreed to what you said.

  “Now I know why some people held wedding here. It’s just gorgeous,” his honeyed voice echoed.

  “I want ours to be held here. Or anywhere as long as there is a beach,” he added and for some reason, you saw that coming. Your boyfriend has been vocal when it comes to wedding or simply said—marriage. You weren’t sure when did it start but he always talked about getting married, having so many kids you don’t know how are you going to carry it with that petite figure of yours.

  You find it was interesting and amusing when he didn’t hesitant to talk about these topics when most of men around you were very skeptical.

  You looked up at him and giggled.

  “I don’t want it,”

  A frown appeared on his forehead. Not confused but amused when he didn’t get the expected answer from you.

  “Why? Beach is your best friend,” he said with a straight face. His plump lips looked more significant when he pouted. Let alone those doe eyes, they made you became a jelly in just a blink of eyes.

  “I don’t want my dress to get wet. you’re unstoppable you know? Remember when you pulled me into the water the last time we went to the beach when I freakin just got my hair done?” you glared at him, shaking your head at the memory. Jungkook was a sweetheart but he immediately became a devil when it comes to teasing you.

  He raised his eyebrow while looking at you, quite impressed at how your mind could bring that memory from few months ago.

  “It wasn’t my fault. You looked intimidating that day. Plus, you buried me in the sand with those crappy crabs remember? We both are an evil, it’s a win win situation,” a small chuckle left his mouth as he softly digging the sand with his toe. It definitely brought back the memories from 4 months ago.

  “But, you did it first!” you whined like a baby girl. Jungkook can be really annoying sometimes. He looked soft and gentle but sometimes, an evil. He grinned at your frowned face and pouty lips, making you sent another glare to him.

  He bent down.

  “Did what?” he asked.

  “You’re so annoying, you know that?” you scoffed at his mischievous side and that made him grin got wider, plastered all over his handsome face. You wondered, what exactly in his mind?

  Eyes rolled as you took a step to continue walk along the shore before you felt a sudden cold on your back. You gaped before turning back. To be exact, to Jungkook. Just like you imagined, he wore that innocent smile.

  “Like this?”

  “Babe! What did you do? Stop!!” you almost screamed while shuddering at the cold water on your back. Jungkook did the same thing. He knew you would scream like an annoying little girl. He knew how you hated cold water but he did it anyway.

  He chuckled before scooping the sea water with his hands and sprinkled it to you. Another whine came out from your mouth.

  “Come here!! You’re a freaking dead!!” you screamed while doing the same thing like he did before he ran away from you. You giggled and screamed, speeding to catch him with your hands. He was definitely a dead meat.

  His sweet raspy laughter and your chaotic scream filled the entire beach. It was lovely.

  You smile at the thought. It’s crazy how some scent, certain gesture could remind you of something that happened like years ago. Your eyes are locked on the wedding invitation and slowly, the smile fades from your lips, leaving you lost and devastated.

  The 970 days you have spent with him weren’t short and weren’t that long either. You didn’t know time had passed that quickly, faster than you ever imagined. The relationship was beautiful—It’s hard to describe but it was indeed beautiful and amazing. He gave you something more than you ever expected—security. As you grew with him, he made you realised that love wasn’t enough. The security he gave you was something that built you. The trust and honesty he had showed to you were something that lifted you to become a person you’re now.

  It’s funny to even think about it. When you were scattered into pieces; when you bawled your eyes every night, asking God to heal this wound in your heart. You were lost to the deepest bottom that you couldn’t even find yourself back. You knew you wouldn’t be found anymore because you had given everything but all they do was crushing you into million pieces.

  All you wanted was to be loved.

  And Jungkook found you. He looked into your eyes and knew you were lost. You were in pain. He brought you back to find yourself. You weren’t sure when did it started but eventually, you knew you were slowly giving that piece of your heart that was left, to him.

  And he took it. Jungkook loved you. The way his skin touched yours, the way his eyes find yours, the way his lips collide against yours. You knew they were real. That was love. The love you both shared were beautiful. But, where is it now? Your chest is aching at the thoughts. It’s not here anymore.

  You bring your gaze to the card.

  His name could be here, on the invitation along with yours.

  How lovely does it sound like?

  A soft sigh leaves your mouth. You slowly put the card back into your purse before taking a deep breath and shaking your head to erase the thoughts. You’re not very keen to let these feelings to take over you. You’ve been spending months over this thing and sure today isn’t that day you would let yourself to do that. You need to forget it—even for a while.

  Minutes passed and when you look at your phone, your eyes are widen. 10 missed call from Seulgi. You look at the watch around your wrist and you know why. You bet, Seulgi is mad.

 You tighten the grip around the purse before leaving the toilet. You walk calmly to the hall and a sudden panic starts to get all over your system. Just like you imagined, it’s filled with so many guests you barely knew. You cursed at yourself since you’re an introvert so being this lost in this crowd sure isn’t a good thing. You stand at the side and try to look for Seulgi or maybe Nayeon before the purse you’re carrying is vibrating. You immediately pick up the phone call from Seulgi.

  “Over here!” she shouts over the phone, causing you to put the phone away from your ear. For few seconds, you found Seulgi, waving to your direction while sitting in a table with Nayeon and few other people. You can’t see them clearly since your eyesight have worsen each day. You saw Seulgi, that’s pretty enough. You nod before slowly making your way to her in such a crowded place. Each steps you take towards her, the heavier your chest becomes. Something is not right and you’re not happy with it.

  Few steps are taken and you’re here at the table. The timing isn’t good because when all of the gaze pointed on you, you found a very familiar one. That familiar gaze that you have lost. Your system has lost its track the moment you laid your eyes on him.

  Jungkook is there.

  Time seems like it’s freezing around you. You can’t feel your feet, not even your skin, the moment you saw that pair of eyes—that beautiful eyes. Your chest is trembling, not sure whether it’s a fear or love. Not sure. Is it a pain or comfort? Only God knows.

  “Hey, where have you been?” Nayeon speaks after a short silence happened between them as you arrived. You flinch at her voice, as you look at every of them. The 6 boys, Seulgi, Nayeon, Sana and Jungkook. Her voice seems fading from your sense when Jungkook looks at you. His deep gaze strikes into you.

  This is torturing.

  “Uhm, I was in toilet. Yeah, I was in toilet,” you almost stutter when the words seem like it’s not coming from your throat. You smile at her before Seulgi pulls a chair for you to sit. You immediately take a seat beside her, across Jungkook. Nayeon grins and nods. The atmosphere feels odd and unfamiliar. You look at Seulgi and she sends you the “I know what you’re thinking” look with her eyes. There is no way she didn’t know or simply put, there is no way the boys didn’t know what’s in your mind right now.

  “Well, since all of us have talked about our lives, it’s your turn now,” Nayeon pulls her chair to give a better view to you. You look at her and realise that all of them eyes are looking at you, waiting for your response. The earlier vision of Jungkook still makes you unfazed so you barely know how to actually react to it. Nayeon raise an eyebrow at you.

  “What do I want to talk about?” you laugh nervously, tucking the hair strand behind your ear while adjusting the position on the chair. You can’t bring yourself to look at Jungkook who is sitting across you. You’re not sure if he is looking at you too but deep inside, this is killing you.

  “What are you doing now? I heard you’re a designer,” Jimin breaks the silence as he immediately asks you about ‘how’s life going’ typical question. You look at Seulgi and she grins. You nod calmly.

  “Yes but not really a designer. It has been only 6 months so I won’t call myself a designer yet,” you speak, trying so bad not to stutter or you will look stupid in front of them. You can feel your fingers are trembling as fuck so you hide it on your thigh.

  They all look impressed.

  “Come on, don’t be humble. You’re good at designing. Did you remember the logo you made for us back then?” Yoongi adds and all of the boys start to squeak as they remembered that ugly logo you made when you hang out with them. You slap Yoongi’s shoulder and they laugh.

  “Don’t be hypocrite, Yoongi. That one looked like an ugly sock,” you chuckle as the memories come back to you. You were younger and unexperienced. They laugh at your remarks.

  “Thanks god you finally realise. It’s tiring to pretend all these years,” Seokjin, the sassiest bitch speaks while flipping his coma hair. You send him a death glare while pouting like baby. Seokjin has been that clown who always teased you for nothing and you would fight with him. In another words, he is your partner in crime. You didn’t know you’ve missed it so much.

  “Come on, it can’t be that ugly. Let me see,” Nayeon chuckles at the sudden chaos as she taps Hoseok’s shoulder. He nods before taking out his phone and starts browsing the gallery. You almost squeak.

  “Yah, Hoseok. I’ll kill you if you do that,” you burst and immediately cover your mouth as you realised your usual self is coming out. It receives a squeal from the boys.

  “Ayeee~ you had never changed. Bold and fierce, right Jungkook?” Taehyung, who is sitting beside Jungkook, suddenly nudging him on his arm. The pout and grin disappear on your face right after you realise what Taehyung did. The atmosphere changed in a blink of eyes as nobody says anything. Of course, all of them know what happened to you and him.

  Sana slaps Taehyung’s shoulder softly before frowning at her boyfriend. He looks flustered. He probably realised that things have changed now. You and him are no longer together anymore. You suck on your lower lip, looking at anywhere but him.

  “So, who wants to see the logo? The ugly sock like she said,” Namjoon breaks the silence as he claps, trying to get everyone’s attention and it receives a squeal and woo-ing from the boys. At the moment, you can feel your tighten chest has loosen up from the tension. That was close incident, you see Sana’s scolding Taehyung for it. You heave a sigh, this is really hard. Slowly, you get up.

  “I’ll go get a drink. Anyone wants some?” you force a smile at them but receive no response before Seulgi raises her hand.

  “Me, please,” she grins, sending the message through her eyes. You smile at her. She knows what you’re doing and she immediately tries to send you away to calm down. She knows how this indirect

tension between you and Jungkook being in the same table is torturing you. She knows you’re trembling under the table. She knows exactly how you feel and she wants you to take some fresh air. Seulgi is indeed a saviour.

  You nod and excuse yourself, not looking back at the table, not their reactions.

  It’s just few steps away before a woman comes to the table and it’s not anywhere but beside Jungkook.

  “Sorry for the wait. I’ve got a phone call to make,” she speaks with a bright smile all over her flushed face. She looks like she was running a marathon when she seems catching a breath. You freeze on your feet and bring you gaze on her.

  She is beautiful. Very beautiful. You can’t deny. Slender body, shiny black hair, flawless skin, almond-like eyes. Charming smile. What else?

  “Ah, are you Jungkook’s friend? He talked about you earlier, have a seat,” Nayeon stands and bows at her before offering her to sit. She bows back politely. That sweet smile never leaves her face and it gets wider when she looks at Jungkook. That smile—that looks familiar. Suddenly, your chest thumps very hard, adrenaline starts to take over your body when you see Jungkook slowly brings her closer to him, making the gap between them disappear.

 “Hi, I’m Rose. Jungkook’s girlfriend,” she introduces herself, taking the beautiful smile along with her words. A soft smile appears on his lips, a rare sight even from the first time you’ve seen him today. It’s rare.

  You look at them and you definitely know—there is love. That smile, they’re wearing, a smile when you’re in love.

  When your sense comes back, your heart aches. A lot.

 **

 Every minute are the biggest torture you’ve ever been in your life. How did things turn out to be like this? All you wanted is to have some fun here but God sure wouldn’t let you do that. Your mind left you immediately when you’ve realised he is here.

 But, not alone— he comes with his girlfriend.

 How awful does it sound like? To be in the same place with your ex, who has gotten happier more than you do?

 You swallow the tiny bit of the croissants while scratching the steak on the plate with the fork. You’re not sure if the food tastes bad or you have lost your taste bud because every piece of them, taste bitter and awful in your throat.

 The moment when you finally acknowledge where Rose stands in his life, you bring yourself to somewhere far from the table. None of these feel right to you and you don’t want to believe it either.  It feels unreal and confusing. The more you have tried to process, the more you’re failing to find any words.

 But, for sure, you definitely know one thing to describe this.

 Heart ache.

 You lean against the wall in the quiet alley, trying to process this new information. Chest thumps like it’s going to explode. Skin tickles like the electricity is running down your spine. Heart. It beats along with the pain, an unknown pain that have been stabbing you few moment ago.

 You heave a small sigh while looking at the walls.

 It’s weird. It’s weird when you’ve learned what is pain-- the moment you both have lost this relationship. You knew how exactly how pain feels like when he walked away from you and never seems to come back. You knew for real how heart break feels like when you woke up every morning with the heaviest cloud in your chest but he is still absent. He isn’t anywhere.

 You knew it.

 But, why does it hurt even more this time? It’s the same pain but why does it hurt a little bit more when you saw her, smiling at him—like you used to do back then? It hurts even more when he pulled her closer to his side—just how he would do to you.

 It’s unfair. You finally recalled how bright her smile looks like—exactly how you looked like before. It’s unfair.

 “Does the food taste good?” Nayeon asks out of sudden as you can feel a warm touch on your shoulder. You flinch a little, making the cutlery to fall down on the floor, causing them to look at you. You laugh nervously before bending down to take it back.

 “Sure, it tastes amazing,” you smile at her then to her fiancé, Minho. Both of them look good. It would be cliche to say this but some people really are meant for each other because when you see them, they look beautiful. Minho apologises for your dirty spoon as he calls one of the helpers to get you a new one.

 The next second, you feel the gazes are on you. Again.

 “Rose, have you met her? She’s one of our close friends,” suddenly, Sana speaks to break the silence and you can’t help but feel a little nervous. You look at Sana before trailing your eyes to her—the beautiful woman across you. You see her eyes, they’re sparkling so effingly beautiful.

 Of course, they had a welcome conversation with her when you were away to get your shit together. Of course, they have been laughing together as Jungkook introduced her as his girlfriend while you were stuck in the quiet alley, fighting these feelings—all by yourself.

 Now, it’s your turn to let her know, who you are.

 Rose’s mouth is opened slightly when she met your eyes. A soft smile appears on her lips as she sticks her hand out, to you. She wears that smile again.

 “Hi, I’m Rose,” her unique voice fills the space around you. Her eyes are so bright, like it has nothing but sincere feelings. You nod before taking her hand, trying not to look awkward. You introduce yourself before both of you let go of each other’s hand.

 You steal a glance at him.

 He looks anywhere but you. Your heart clenches at the sight. Why does he make you feel like invisible and non-existent when you’re there, sharing the same place with him? You can’t deny when you feel like a big wall is climbing between you and him and you have no idea how to break it down. Immediately, you look away from him. Your heart feels like in pain.

 “Jungkook talked a few things about you before. You indeed look beautiful in person,” she says, sending you her signature eye smile, which is making you lost at words.

 He talked about you. How does it supposed to mean? Everyone at the table says nothing as they let both of you to talk and you’re so sure, they saw how obvious your face has changed the moment she said that.

 When you see her soft expression, you immediately understand—Rose knew about you and Jungkook. She definitely knew about that.

 You inhale some air before nodding. Part of you, is confused. If you ask yourself, you would feel jealous, awkward and intimidated if your boyfriend’s ex is there—basically eating in the same table with you.

 But, the fact that she sounds cool and relaxed even she acknowledged the history you’ve shared with Jungkook, makes you wonder, why is that? Why does she sound so cool about that and why does it make your uneasy?

 You look at her and she smiles at you, like nothing has happened. A sincere gesture and smile—she reminds you so much about him. A sudden tsunami of pain crashed all over you. Again, it takes you away from the reality.

 You brought the cleaned cloth to the wet plate and wiped the residue off from the glass. It was Friday and you had nothing to do beside cleaning your new apartment since you took a day leave. It had been few hours since you began cleaning every part of the house without taking a rest. Probably, few minutes rest then you would drag your ass to continue whatever you left behind.

 After the last plate, you heaved a sigh and glanced at the time on your phone. Almost 7pm but you still received no texts from Jungkook. Jungkook was out to work with the boys and he promised to text you when he already finished but when you received nothing, supposed he haven’t finished yet.

 Leaving the phone on the kitchen counter, you brought yourself to the cabinet to put the plates and cutlery back to its place. You grunted when the cabinet was too high for you to reach with your short height and annoyed, you took a chair before you climbed on it.

 Carefully, the plates were put slowly inside the wooden storage as you weighed yourself on the chair so it wouldn’t make you fall on the marble floor and break your chin. Of course, it would be a disaster if you have to spend your days in the hospital.

 “Someone is wearing my clothes, again,” a raspy yet soft voice interrupted the silence in the kitchen and it made you jolted in surprise. Not to extent of overreacting but it definitely made you surprised. Where the hell that sound came from and why the hell Jungkook was standing there?

 You cocked your head to him and there was him, leaning against the wall with arms crossed on his chest. He had an amused look all over his face, ignoring his fluffy hair that was covering his eyes. Jungkook looked up at you with a smile, probably waiting for you to respond.

 “When did you come?” you frowned at him before you find yourself struggling to come down as the chair suddenly became wobbly and unstable. Reflexed, Jungkook came to get you off.

 “Just now,” he said, still looking at you like a predator.

 “Okay but should you surprise me like that? I could break my bones if I fall,” you mentioned about the earlier surprise. Your i’m-almost-annoyed mood changed when he grinned, showing off the cute wrinkle in the corner of his eyes.

 “You’re overreacting. The chair is not that tall,” he pouted at you and you agreed. It wasn’t that tall actually but whatever, didn’t couple whine about littlest things?

 You pinched his cheeks before turning your back at him to go to the counter to clean the table. Every step you were taking, you could feel your body was aching a lot from the work and all you wanted to do was get some bath and sleep.

 “How’s the work?” you spoke as your hand went back and forth with the cloth, cleaning the residue on the counter. Jungkook hummed.

 “Today was great. We met an agency to sign a contract with us but it’s not certain yet. Still in process,” his voice echoed from behind and you nodded at his remarks. Your lids were getting heavier.

 “Wow, really? That’s great, baby. What’s the company name?” you said and almost yawned before you folded the wet cloth to finish what was left so you could get a fresh bath.

 It was tiring but at least, you wanted to listen a sneak peek of Jungkook’s day before you could pamper yourself. Few seconds later, you have received no response from him, it made you stopped and turned your back to look at him.

 Before you could do that, a familiar warmth collided against your skin on your back as his fresh cologne scent strike. It left you speechless for a moment when his firm arms snake around your waist, leaving you froze on the feet.

 “Can we talk about those things later?” Jungkook buried his head on your shoulder and whispered with his raspy and melodious voice to your system. What was with the sudden move? You peeked at him across the shoulder.

 “Alright but what are you doing?” you whispered back and out of sudden, he inhaled and nuzzled the scent from your neck, making you made a soft whimper. It got louder when he left a soft kisses along the neck. It wasn’t rough or rushed, instead, it was slow and romantic. Jungkook knew exactly where your weak spot was and when he found that, you couldn’t help but moaned. It felt surreal and amazing even your body was aching a lot.

 “You look beautiful today. I can’t help,” he said between the kisses, making your skin vibrates along with the words that came out from his mouth. The next second, you find your skin tickled at the touch. It was hard to actually put into words but your fingertip tingled a lot when he touched you. Every part of your skin felt like they were on fire. A fierce fire.

 “Jungkook, I’m tired,” you shuddered at the touch as he trailed his hand towards the hem of your shirt. That day, you wore nothing but only his oversize shirt that you stole from his closet. Not sure what came to your mind but you chose not to wear any panty or bra. It wasn’t usual of you but that day, it was different. For real, God must let you did that because of this.

 “Hmm,” he hummed and it sent another electricity to you, again.

 “Baby, I’ll be quick. I promise,” he groaned to your ears as he slid his hand inside the shirt and trailed his warm fingers lower to your abdomen. He knew what he was doing to your body and the way he played those fingers, it drove you crazy.

 Your back arched and it made the gap between you and his chest became more significant. Jungkook noticed your body weakened at his touch so he trapped you between his veiny arms and let you hold on to them. You gripped on the cold surface of the counter while the other hand holding on around his wrist.

 “Jin-Jungkook. Not today,” your voice almost disappeared when his hand had reached your core. He didn’t touch it but you could feel the heat coming from his big hand. The next second, you heard his small chuckle.

 “Your mouth says no but your body says the opposite. Which one is dominant, baby?” he grunted as he pushed his hip closer to you and again, you bit the lower lip to refrain the moan from coming out. The huge bulge that was brushed in your inner thigh made you realised how turned on Jungkook was. He was turned on and when he did, you barely could say no.

 He was a sexy beast.

 “Spread your leg. Now,” he commanded.

 You couldn’t catch a breath when his long and slender finger touched the clit of your core, the moment you spread your legs to give him an access. It moved in a perfect circle. It was in a gentle pace but it brought you to another world.

 Moan filled the kitchen. Eyes were closed, mouth opened. There was nothing but erotic moan came out from your mouth.

 “Ah~~Jungkook,” you panted along with his name. You wanted to pull his hand away because all you wanted to do was getting a fresh bath and rest but the more you tried to do that, the harder it became. His finger kept circling the bud as he nuzzling on your neck, kissing the sweet spot again and again. The sensation. It felt like a heaven.

 “Still a no?” Jungkook grunted. You couldn’t respond to him. You couldn’t even think straight.

 “Are you always this wet?” he added. As the words came out, his pace was getting faster, abusing the wet and swollen clit, giving you his endless ecstasy from his finger. It was crazy how his finger could make you feel this good. Jungkook then gave your exposed inner thigh a slow rub as he chanted how wet and turned on you were.

 Eyes shut closed, your mouth was opened, moaning and whimpering his name, telling the world how good you were feeling. How good he made you feel.

 His warm breath touched your neck. Breath hitched and weakened.

 The next second, a familiar knot twirled inside your lower abdomen, for real, it gave more pleasure to all over your body. You screamed at Jungkook, telling him how close you were to your climax and just like how he usually did—he told you to give in.

 “Let it go. Don’t hold back,” his sexy hoarse voice echoed and just like that, you find your juice was coming out from the core, wrapping his slender finger.

 You immediately bent your upper body on the counter, getting yourself some air after almost being choked with your own saliva. How the hell you could breathe when he was abusing your clit? When he was kissing and biting your neck?

 “You’re crazy,” you whispered at him, panting like crazy on the cold surface.

 “I’m crazy for you,” Jungkook said when he eventually grabbed your hips and rubbed his throbbing member against your inner thigh. You yelped as it wasn’t clothed anymore but raw. It was big and hardened which is making your wet core, pooled again.

 “Fuck, you’re so beautiful,” he cursed under his breath, without letting you to respond, he pushed his hip onto you and making his hardened member disappear inside you wet cunt. He didn’t let you to adjust to his size at all. You screamed at the sudden fill. Jungkook had been big from the first you had sex with him but this time, he felt really good.

 Heavenly.

 “Jungkook!!!” you screamed out loud, gripping onto his muscular arm tightly while supporting yourself on the kitchen counter with the other hand. Your nails were clawed on the surface as his member were throbbing inside you, it got bigger each time it slid.

 Jungkook moaned slightly as you pushed hip onto him, making his tip reaching the walls of your pussy. A smile appeared on your lips when he moaned so you pushed your hip again and again, causing him to fill the space with his sexy moan.

 Fucking sexy. He was fucking sexy when he moaned with his raspy voice. He barely made any sound when both of you made love but when he did, you swear to god, you became addicted to it. You made him feel good.

 “Stop or you can’t walk for a week,” he grabbed your hips, stopping you to do that. You smirked.

 “Prove that to me,”

 You couldn’t see how he looked like but you knew his eyes were darkened in desire and lust. He hated when you challenged him and the fact that he would wreck you, you felt butterflies.

 In a blink of eyes, he started to thrust his member into your wet pussy with the roughest pace while grabbing and rubbing your hip with his huge hands. His name came out from your mouth again and again as Jungkook grabbed one of your breasts before giving it a rough kneading.

 Again, with his finger, he rubbed and pinched the hardened nipples slowly, making your system almost went error.

 “Hmmmm Ahhh,” you screamed out of pleasure. The slapping sound, sounded like a background music along with his grunts and your erotic moan.

 “Is that good? Hm?” he hummed, quickened the pace of thrust into you, wrecking the juice that was coming out from the hole. It was really messy and sloppy as the liquid running down your inner thigh.

 You nodded.

 “Jungkook, I want to see you,” you whined with the weakest voice. He gave you a few more thrust before pulling out and quickly turned your body around to look at him.

 Now, you saw how he looked like when he was fucking you. His eyes strike into yours before he grabbed your hips with his arms and place your ass on the cold counter. You squealed at the sudden contact. It was cold and dull, you immediately missed how he felt like inside you.

 Jungkook stared at you with his darkened gaze without anything came out from his mouth.

 Taking him closer to you as you wrapped your legs around his waist, you smiled. His weakness.

 “Kiss me,” you whispered at him.

 He grunted again and pulling your mouth to his as he started to hover your lips. The entire part of your lips and mouth. The kiss was rough yet sweet. There was nothing rushed or sloppy when he kissed you. Jungkook’s kiss was always gentle and sexy. When he casually explored your mouth with his warm tongue, your core clenches for his touch. He needed to fill you again.

 You pulled from the kiss and jerked the hip onto him along with the eyes strike into his gaze. Needy and desperate. A sudden chuckle left his mouth when he noticed how bad were you at being patient. He gave you a small peck before slamming his member into you again, causing your legs to tremble.

 It felt like a heaven.

 He grunted every time he pushed himself onto you while breathing hard on your collarbone. Every thrust felt like drugs, you wanted more and more.

 “Fucking tight for me,” he scowled, like a beast.

 “Hmmm. It feels so good. Harder, Jungkook. Harder. Ah, Ah!”

 “Keep screaming my name. It fucking turns me on,” he growls, still pumping into you without looking away from your lewd eyes.

 “Please, don’t stop,” you lifted your chin to the air and moaned, while fisting in his hair, softly. Jungkook’s name never left your mouth every time he pumped into your walls. The world seemed like it was fading from your vision and leaving you and Jungkook alone, making love to each other. You didn’t care. If world was breaking and fading, as long as Jungkook was there with you, you knew you would be fine.

 His chest rose and almost fell with rapid breath even his pace wasn’t getting any slower. He spread your legs even more, abusing the swollen core.

 “Mine. Mine,” Jungkook trailed his mouth to your neck and moaned the words again and again, against the skin, in sync with the thrust. His big tattooed hands slapped your ass over and over again, causing you to scream.

 The words—it sent butterflies to your stomach. It was ecstatic and ethereal. How could it suit perfectly with the pleasure he was giving you at this moment? It doubled the electricity that had been running down under your skin.

 “You’re mine. Always mine,” he moaned again. Grunts and groans—with his voice. Rough and sloppy, your favourite.

 Endless moans and scream came out from your mouth. Your body started to twitched and flinched when the climax started to build inside you. The walls were sensitive and swollen but Jungkook wouldn’t stop. Your body bounce against him, taking his throbbing cock inside you as much as you could.

 “Jungkook….Hmmm~ I need to—,” you screamed through gritted teeth, holding both of his shoulders. When you opened your eyes, you lowered your gaze at him and he was staring at your soul. The eye contact—he stared at you like a predator while slamming his hip onto you. You couldn’t help but met his eyes. Those beautiful orbs—there is no way you would want to look away. Every part of him, were an art. His breath hitched.

 You moaned while looking at him and a satisfied smile appeared on his face when you had the erotic response to his touch.

 “Release yourself and scream my name, baby,” Jungkook groaned at your opened mouth. Mouth opened, moan and whimper. He loved that. When you couldn’t wait any longer, you cummed around his member and left your whole body twitching.

 Moment after, he released himself into you, filling every part of your core with his warm liquid. You couldn’t name anything better than this. This was heaven.

 Jungkook panted heavily on your shoulder as he supported you from falling on the counter by wrapping his arms around the waist. You held onto his arms while your chest rose back and forth, catching some air and calming the throbbing core.

 The weather was cold but the sweat was prickling on both of you and Jungkook’s skin. It was really amazing—difficult to put it into words but it was really amazing. The pleasure you’ve reached. It was crazy

 When he finally calmed down a bit, Jungkook pulled out from you and brought his gaze into your soft eyes. His eyes have changed. They have looked sincere and affectionate—like it was full with love, for you. Just for you. You smiled at his flushed and sweaty face. Beautiful.

 “I love you,” he spoke. His doe eyes sparkled with affection. The way he stared at you, you could see a soft cloud in his eyes. It was love. True love.

 Slowly, you trailed your hand to his cheek and gave it a few rubs.

 “I know,” you whispered with a smile. His face. Your heart aches at the sight. Not a pain one but it ached a lot to think how this man existed and God sent him to you. It ached you when you couldn’t even prepare yourself if you lose him one day. There was no way you would want to let this man go.

 Jungkook kissed you gently and pulled away to look at you again.

 “I love you so much,”

 “I love you too, Jungkook,” you said

 You come back to reality immediately when the sound of people talking interrupt you and your memories. You look at the untouched food on your plate and realised how long you have been stucked in those scary thoughts.

 Why the hell that part comes in your mind—when he is right in front of you, entertaining his new girlfriend? Why is that part of him, touching you and telling you how much he loved you, come right when his girlfriend is smiling at your pathetic face?

 You thought God loves you but this is too cruel.

 You smooth the dress under the table and starts digging the food. You’ve lost the appetite but you need to end this day quickly—even deep inside, it feels longer.

 For some reason, when everyone is having fun, Seulgi is gossiping with Sana. The boys are laughing and almost drunk along with Nayeon and her fiancé. While Jungkook, he is sitting there, talking to Rose like you aren’t there.

 You feel like this place doesn’t belong to you. You want to go home. Now. Because your body seems like it’s getting weaker.

 You can hear how bright Rose’s voice from the way she talks to him. When she giggles and Jungkook would casually listen and stare at her when she is talking, probably about how her dog is behaving at home and when Jungkook would tuck the hair strand on her face behind her ears to look at her even better—your heart is crushed.

 You used to be in that place. You used to spend the whole night, telling him how suck your colleagues are or whining about the small cut you had on your finger or maybe—clinging onto him when you missed his presence. Jungkook would listen while sipping his coffee and eating the snacks.

 He actually listened and engaged with you, from the very beginning. The best part is he remembered.

 And,

 You used to giggle at his random jokes and told him how lame it sounded like. He was bad at making good jokes but the weird thing is, you laughed anyway. He didn’t care as long as you laugh. Even it’s an ugly laugh—he didn’t care because all he wanted was seeing you smile.

 But, you’ve lost it. Everything. Now, Rose is in that place, doing everything that you used to do with him. You feel like you’ve been replaced—definitely. He is in love with someone else, which isn’t you. It feels so unfair for some reason.

 You inhale some air to calm down the overwhelming feeling that started to take over your body. You steal a glance at both of them before you looked away immediately. You finally realised the distance you have between them two despite just sitting few centimetres away. For some reason, you understand—some things are unreachable even you’re only a step away.

 So, you choose to leave.

 **

 You remember how worried Seulgi’s face is when you pulled her to quiet place and said you wanted to leave this place. You convinced her to stay since Nayeon probably needs her until the end of the party.

 “I’m fine. I should be fine,” you told her. You’re not very sure about that part.

 The party is still on-going but your heart isn’t. Seulgi immediately knows what’s happening and finally, agreed for you to leave.

 You’ve talked to Nayeon and just as sweet as she always is, she understands. You knew everyone is well aware what has been happening between you and Jungkook. The fact that they’re being careful and respect this situation instead of making it more awkward, you appreciate it so much.

  When you finally have the chance to leave, you immediately disappear from the hall as you bring yourself to the back entrance. Nobody would know you are leaving—not even Jungkook. You wouldn’t know this night will end like this. You have no idea you would bringing yourself to the back entrance—leaving like you’re not meant to be here.

 “Hey,” as you take your steps to leave the place, you heard the familiar voice from behind. Your heart thumps when you look back.

 It’s Jungkook.

 He is standing at the door while looking at you and your devastated self. His broad figure under the dim lights look majestic, along with his orbs, sparkling, like they always do.

 You feel your throat is choking when he comes closer to you, towering your small and petite figure. He had grown taller from the last time you saw him. It has been so long.

 “Seulgi told me you’re leaving,” his voice sounds calm and soft. God, you’ve missed that voice—so much. You clear your throat and nod.

 “Yeah. I’m leaving,” you speak, looking up at his eyes even though they are the most dangerous thing in your entire life. He sucks on his lower lip.

 “I have something to do…at the office,” you sound hesitant because you know how awful you sound like. You’re not sure whether he notices the lies you’re telling him but you hope, he don’t. It’s weekend and you literally have nothing to do at the office, like you claimed. You don’t want to leave but you need to.

 He nods.

 “I see. I know it’s late but congratulations. You finally become a designer,” a small smile appears on his lips—without knowing, it brings so much pain to you. You nod at him, looking down to your feet.

 There is a silence between you and him, for a moment before you could hear his voice again.

 “Thank you for all the good times we’ve spent together,” he added.

 “I couldn’t tell you this when we both separated but I really want you to know that the time we had together was beautiful and amazing. It wasn’t short or long either but I definitely won’t forget every inches of it,”

 His honey voice fills every space around you and him. It feels like the gravity has lost and the world is fading from you and him. You see and hear nothing but him. It’s weird and crazy but your eyes—you only see him.

 “When I broke up with my exes, I always feel regret of dating them but with you, I don’t feel regret—at all. You were one of the best thing that ever happened to me and I don’t want to forget those good times. Thank you for giving me such a good memories to remember,”

 He sounds very calm and steady when the words come out from his mouth. He rather sounds like none of the memories hurt him like it hurts you.

 But, those words—why do they hurt you so bad? This bad? Your heart breaks at the last words. You knew there was a goodbye a long time ago but this time, it feels like it’s officially over and both of you are telling goodbyes to each other.

 You don’t want a goodbye. Not now. Not forever. You could feel tears are pooling on your eyes before you casually shake your head, to make the tears go away.

 “The time we had together was indeed beautiful. They were so beautiful,” you slowly bring your eyes to him and reading his eyes. Oh, they are always beautiful. They look like a night sky that you never wanted to stop looking at.

 He smiles but it tortures you even more.

 “But….Can I ask you something?”

 He nods.

 “Do you love her?” You don’t know where the courage comes from but deep inside, you want to know. You want to know exactly how he feels like even you already know the answer. But, this time, you realise how delusional you are. You want a different answer.

 Jungkook stares at your eyes, trying to get the message from them. The silence he gives you is killing you softly. That is the longest silence in your entire life and it brings you nothing but hope. Jungkook smiles, showing off the small dimple on his cheek.

 “I do. Very much,”

 You are scattered. Into million pieces. You wished you heard him wrong but when Jungkook’s face lights up along with the words, leaving his mouth, you couldn’t believe it’s real. You don’t want to believe but when you realise Jungkook wouldn’t say something like that without actually mean it—you whole soul is crushed.

 This is real. You’ve lost him. You’ve really lost him. The one you love with your entire heart and soul.

 Your mouth is opened, trying to say something but nothing comes out.

 “Even we are no longer together, I hope you would find someone who would love you more than I did. I’m sure you would find it because you deserve the happiness,”

 Nobody would love me like you do—you’re my happiness. Your heart screams.

 He looks at his wrist and suddenly looking he is rushing to go back.

 “I think it’s time to go,” Jungkook says but when he notices your gaze, he stops immediately. He knew you have something to say from your gaze. The body language—he remembered. It’s crazy how sweet yet painful it is.

 “Jungkook,” you call him. You couldn’t find the right words to actually tell the words that have been keeping inside your chest. You need to do it today because world knows, you won’t be seeing him again.

 “Thank you for making me feel loved and secure during the time we had shared together. Thank you so much for bringing the best part of me when I couldn’t love myself—like you did, You taught me so many things that it changed me to becomes stronger. This strong,” you stop when your chest is rising and your throat is choking.

 “Don’t remember me. Please forget everything about us and cherish a new one with her. Don’t love her like you love me—love her like you want to love her and the way she wanted to be loved,” you feel like your throat is choking when the words feel like a poison. You couldn’t believe you’re telling him to forget about you, about those times you’ve shared—with him.

 He looks stunned, leaving him speechless.

 “Before I go, I need you to know that…..” you stop and stare into his eyes for one more time.

 “My love for you was real and sincere. I’ve loved you so much,”

What a white lies.

 This is embarrassing to say since he is in love with someone else but That’s the least you could do—because he is now out of reach from your hands.

 Jungkook grins. He looks at your softly.

 “Thank you,” he nods. You wish he would say more than that. But, it leaves you to no avail. You can hear your heart is screaming.

 “I think it’s time to go,”

 “Goodbye,” the next second, you trail your eyes to his eyes and taking every image of that beautiful pair of eyes like there is no tomorrow. Like tomorrow won’t come. But, for real, there is no tomorrow for you and him anymore. There is no future of you and him anymore.

 How cruel this world is.

 The moment when you bring your feet to take the steps away from him and turning your back at him, you could hear his very last word.

 “Take care,”

 Where did the last part go? “Text me when you reach home” part? Where did you lose it?

 Every step you’re taking to the busy street of the city, they feel like thousand thorns are stabbing every part of your skin. It stabs and leaves the wound wide opened. For real, It feels awful and scary when you’re walking from the person with the most memories you don’t want to erase.

 When the sudden realisation hit you like a storm—you could feel the pain inside your chest. You feel something is throbbing in your heart and it hurts like crazy. It hurts so bad—you can feel it, choking you from your own breath.

 Let him go.

As if it is that easy.

More steps are taken before you realise the tears have been streaming down to the cheeks and pouring on the ground, like a rain. You didn’t know you’ve been crying ever since you walk away until you taste the salty water. It’s bitter.

 You’re sobbing like a crazy woman when you realise how long you have been fighting with your own tears the moment you saw him for the first time in forever. You wanted to cry when you saw him because you know, you’re still in love with him. The more you wipe the water from coming down, the more it wets your face, the sad symbolic how broken your heart is.

 Your heart is crushed into pieces. You wanted him so much. It never changes. The 365 days you’ve spent alone, didn’t make any difference because when you come back to your bed every night to end the day —you still want him from the deepest bottom of your heart. He is still there in your mind— His scent, his laughter, his voice, his touch—you remember it all too well.

 If life is a movie—he is the best part and you can’t forget every inch of it because you knew exactly how it feels like to sleep along with the hopes, in case you could wake up with him beside you.

 But, that tiny hope seems like it has been taken away, leaving you hopeless. That hope—it used to make you feel alive but it’s gone. You feel dead.

 The people are looking at you, crying over the pain inside your chest. The tears, it falls like river. You didn’t care—they don’t understand how painful it is. Nobody understands this. You want them to but they won’t because it aches too much. It’s hard to put it into words because even thousand words aren’t enough.

 Just because you love them, doesn’t mean you’re meant for each other. Just because you adore them, doesn’t mean you’re right for each other.

 The tears fall even more at the thought. You bring you hand to your chest, while the other hand clutching the purse tightly with your feet stepping the countless steps to anywhere. God, take this pain away. Take this wound away from me. Give me anything but not this.

 You beg with your might.

 Now, when the night falls even deeper, when you have no idea how far you have been walking along the streets, when the cold breeze touches your tingly skin, when the seasons change from winter to spring, you know, everything has changed. Your place has been replaced. Forever.

 Jungkook has become a memory and you need to accept it even it takes million years. You’re sure—it would take forever. He is someone, whom you can’t reach no matter how you shed the blood and tears. He is unreachable. He used to be but not anymore.

 Looking at your feet, you wonder.

 Giving a second chance to a wrong person or not getting a chance from the right one, which one hurts the most?

 But, for sure, the thing that could break you into thousand pieces is knowing that;

 If second chance exists, it’s definitely not for you and him.

**

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[flamehairedwritings]

The Fiancé: Chapter Six

Characters: Steve Rogers x Female Plus-Size Reader

Rating: The whole series will be E, 18+ ONLY

Summary: A lie about your best friend at a Christmas party spirals into world news, but a previously unknown threat leaves you having to now live the lie of Steve Rogers being your fiancé.

Originally based on the prompt ‘Character A’s ex will be at the Christmas Party A is attending. Character B poses as A’s fiancé,’ by @alloftheprompts.

A/N: The whole series will include swearing, alcohol, threat, violence, apartment sharing, protected sex, and more tags to be added!

The title has been taken from the Ella Fitzgerald song of the same name.

The Fiancé Masterlist

All Works Masterlist

Read on AO3

Please don’t copy or steal my work, and please don’t post it on any other sites; credit does not count.

It’s Only A Paper Moon

WEDNESDAY

“I am in heaven.”

“Doll’, this is Y/N’s wedding, not yours.”

“We have the whole place to ourselves, I can try on one thing, right?” 

Well, the first part of that is true. Sitting on a couch not designed for sitting on, you play with your hands in your lap as your gaze travels the room. Nat had, she’d told you before you’d left that morning, bought the whole place out, for the sake of sensationalism, security and it just seemed like something a very famous person would do.

‘Sensationalism’ is so far so successful; there is a crowd of people similar in size to the one at the cake shop outside, trying to look through the French windows, though you’re located at the back of the shop. As for security, it means Nat doesn’t have to plant people inside and you won’t get crowded and overwhelmed by people coming up to you, and for seeming like something a famous person would do? Yeah, probably, you don’t know.

“Just have some fun,” Nat had said as you’d gone down in the elevator. “It’s just trying on some dresses and having a fun time with your friends.”

Fun.

You’d nearly laughed. But, you’d just smiled and nodded, because that’s what you do now, smile and nod and go along with things. If you don’t, that leads to conversations, and conversations lead to you having to admit to things, like the panic attack you’d had that morning as you’d dressed or the fact you have feelings for your best friend and every moment of this week is both wonderful and torturous. 

Speaking of... you haven’t seen Steve today.

Last night, after you’d woken up from your nap, you’d showered, masturbated while in there, ‘cause, hey, things had only gotten more stressful, and changed and wandered downstairs, but Steve was nowhere to be seen. Then you’d heard sounds of machines in the gym room and realised he was working out. He’d left a note for you on the island, though, saying there were leftovers in the oven of what he’d cooked. You’d eaten alone, watching TV.

You did that for about two hours, and Steve didn’t emerge once, still working out. You hadn’t thought anything of it, though, he is super-human. So, you’d gone to bed, leaving him a note in return saying thank you, you hadn’t wanted to disturb him and that you were going to bed, with a little drawn smiley face.

There’d been no note when you’d come down after calming yourself and pulling your shoes on, not wanting to be caught out like yesterday morning, just Nat.

But space is good for you two.

Even if you never usually go this long without at least messaging each other.

But this isn’t a ‘usually’ time.

“Y/N?”

The Christmas jazz music filters back into your hearing as your head snaps up to look at Dolly, sat on a gorgeous pale pink shell chair, her big eyes wider than usual.

“Yeah, sorry?”

Her smile is wide and her eyes seem to be only getting wider. “I can try on one thing, right?”

You nod as you smile. “Uh, yeah. As bridesmaids, you probably actually should try something.”

She releases a sound akin to a squeal and claps her hands together. “Great! What colour do you want for us?”

“Uh...” Oh, you know this, you talked about it with Nat in the car... “... Red.”

Bridget looks at you, then exhales a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank God, I thought you were gonna carry on and say ‘white and blue’.”

Your lips twitch as you tilt your head. “Come on, we’re not gonna be that on the nose.”

Bridget raises their eyebrows but before they can retort a woman, Sally, appears with an ice bucket, a bottle of champagne inside, and three glasses. All three of you give some kind of very grateful sound before thanking her as she sets them down on the glass table before you. You also all cheer as she pops the champagne, (God, who are we... desperate for free alcohol, that’s who), and thank her again as she fills the glasses and hands one to you each.

Beaming, she stands back, her hands clasped together. “Can I get anything else for y’all?”

You hum as you quickly swallow your mouthful. “Mmh. Yes, please. Do you have any dresses in red, for these two?”

She glances at them, her gaze sweeping over them and you realise she’s expertly measuring them, and nods. “Absolutely. What style would you like?”

“Uh, any, we’ve got time.”

Her beam grows as she nods. “Wonderful, I’ll be five minutes.”

You take another sip as she trots off to the back room. Much like at the cake shop, you’d said to the shop attendants assisting you, all five of them now having nothing to do but assist you, that you will try everything and anything. Like Damilola, they’d looked delighted, probably used to, as you’d seen on reality shows, people coming in with very specific requests.

And, boy, do you all have the time to try every damn thing on. Dolly and Bridget have the day off, Yvette being very understanding at the short notice, officially, though unofficially she probably isn’t too pleased to not have her best receptionist and the Head of IT on the same day.

Who am I kidding, she never breaks a sweat. Probably a good time to get those interns trained up, too.

You also have the time as you were meant to be visiting two places today, though the first hadn’t exactly gone to plan. In other words, you’d walked out.

“Oh, our, uhm, our plus-size section isn’t very large.”

You fold your arms as Bridget raises their eyebrows and Dolly narrows her eyes.

“Oh? And why not?”

The woman, Candace, looks between you, her cheeks pink. “Oh, because we, uhm...”

You raise your eyebrows, placing your hands on the counter. “I’m about to blow your mind, Candace, but bigger people get married, too. And you’ve just lost my custom.”

You’d walked out seconds after, a smug smile hinting on your lips as Candace had called after you, practically begging for you to return, that they could order whatever you wanted in, but you’d just kept walking, Bridget telling Candace to save it as Dolly looped her arm through yours.

Nat had apologised profusely once you’d gotten into the SUV she was going to spend the day ferrying you three around in, saying it hadn’t occurred to her to check, as Dolly and Bridget had stared at her, still unused to being in her presence.

Of course it hadn’t occurred to her.

This place, though, The Pearl... It’s gorgeous. Despite not having felt offended at the last place, just angry and exasperated, you couldn’t help but feel a little intimidated. What if this was going to be your whole day? Going from place to place just because they were dumb and exclusionary? You’d felt welcomed the moment you walked in, though, all five assistants and Sally smiling as they greeted each of you in turn, and all Sally, obviously the senior member from how she led the conversation, had done was ask you your usual dress size and that had been it.

You look at the interior again, taking in the pale pink and white walls, framed photos on them of dresses or models in them, or real people on their wedding days in them, the plush cream carpet, the crystal chandeliers, the gorgeously decorated Christmas trees in each corner, the fairy lights adorning the counter by the front door.

Yeah... I can have fun here. And why the fuck not? Trying on dresses is always fun, no matter what, and there’s free champagne and I’m here with Dolly and Bridge’.

Sitting back on the pale pink couch, the tightening in your chest easing, you sip your champagne with a smile.

Am I a champagne person now? This week’s telling me yes.

Bridget stretches their legs out as they sigh contentedly. Looking at you, they smile softly. “How are you feeling about the interview?”

You pull a face as you hold the glass between both hands. “You know about that?”

“Uh, it’s been trending on Twitter for the last two days is all anyone’s talking about.”

You groan as you take another, longer sip.

“So how do you feel?” Dolly gently repeats the question.

You smile lightly, looking between them with raised brows. “How do you think?”

She smiles softly, endearing assurance in her tone. “You’re gonna be fine, Y/N.”

 You open your mouth, then close it. Then again... you can talk about it freely with these two, they’ll understand without feeling guilty or worrying too much or treating you like a breakable vase.

You exhale a breath, one you feel like you’ve been holding for days. “I don’t know, it’s live and we haven’t been able to get an idea of what they’re gonna ask yet and... I just don’t want to think about it too much, really.”

Bridget rests their arm on the back of the couch, turning their body to you. “That’s not like you. I’ve watched you spend months preparing for one meeting.”

“That’s different.”

“No, it’s not.” They point a finger at you. “This is a meeting, and you’re pitching your marriage.”

You have no idea how close to the truth that is.

You take a breath. “Can I practise on you two, then?”

Both of them perk up, smiles wide.

“Absolutely!” Dolly enthuses. “We’ve been dying for you to tell us all the details, we’ve been so patient.”

“And a little bit offended,” Bridget adds good-naturedly with an arched brow.

“I know, I know,” you smile, even as your chest twinges.

“It’s fine, two birds, one stone, you can make up for it now and practise,” Bridget says, holding their glass on their knee and fixing you with an expectant gaze and adopting a stereotypical news reader voice. “So, how did this happen, when was the first kiss, the first fondle, the engagement, I want every dirty detail, and the romantic details, too.”

“Okay,” you say through your laughter as Dolly giggles. “All right, all right... God, I’m gonna need more champagne.”

—

He could see the headline now; Cap Goes To Seek Former Flame’s Approval!

At least it would be better than the one’s that had been written when he’d gone on two dates with Sharon. Had that been why they’d both ended it? The media pressure, the questions, the constant hounding? No, but maybe that had been a factor in it. Sharon is great, but... He hadn’t felt a real connection, and neither had she.

He’d only felt that connection a few times in his life, so he knew when something was worth fighting for.

"Engaged, hm?” Peggy Carter fixes him with her gaze, an eyebrow arched, and, God, nothing ever passes her by, not even now.

A smile pulling at his lips, he raises his own eyebrows a little. “Peg—”

She exhales a laugh. “You can’t tell me, I understand.” Lacing her fingers together on her stomach, she smiles. “I do like her.”

“You’ve never met her,” he reminds her gently.

“I know,” she adjusts her head on her pillow, “but the way you talk about her makes me like her. How is she doing with all of this?”

He nods, his own hands clasped together. “Okay, I think. She’s tough.”

Peggy looks at him, her jaw moving minutely. “Hm.”

“What?”

Her lips lift a little, her features soft. “People called me tough. Said I handled things okay. But I can’t tell you how many times I cried in my office, then pulled myself together. I don’t mind crying, it’s very therapeutic, but I would have hated them to see me do it, hated what they would have twisted it into. Or even some of my friends, how they might have gently told me to maybe cut back my hours or something like that, to take on less. But just because I cried it didn’t mean I couldn’t handle matters.”

Steve opens his mouth when she continues, “Did you know that after you went into the ice our relationship is all anyone wanted to talk to me about? Interview me about? Even when I became Director of SHIELD the same questions followed me around, ‘What do you think Steve would think? Would he be proud? Do you still miss him?’”

Something in him twists as he looks at her. “I’m sorry, Peg.”

She laughs, shaking her head. “Lord, I’m not saying it to make you feel bad, Steve, still so dramatic...” Her features soften again, but her gaze fixes on his. “I’m just trying to give a little perspective, having been in the position she is. It’s not easy.”

He exhales a long breath, his shoulders dropping a little. “That’s what I’m afraid of, actually.”

Her brow dips. “What do you mean?”

“Like you just said, it’s not easy being with me.”

“Steve Rogers...” His gaze, having lowered, meets hers again, and he finds it faintly incredulous. “... It’s the easiest thing in the world being with you. You are easy to be with. It’s the rest of the world that’s the problem.”

A corner of his mouth lifts. “I liked where that was goin’ but that last part doesn’t make me feel any better.”

She huffs out a laugh, tilting her head. “But the rest of the world doesn’t matter, though, does it? Not if you’re with someone you love, hm?”

He looks at her, his lips lifting a little higher. “No, it doesn’t.”

—

“... So, it was only a couple of weeks ago... We were out at the park we like to walk in, you know the one, I go on about it all the time, the trees are always on my Instagram ‘cause it’s just so pretty, ‘nd it’s quiet, y’know, we’re in the middle of winter, and it’s dark, no one wants to really be out walking, except us...”

 You’ve had a bit more champagne than you probably should, but, hey, go away, morals, this is a nice story.

“... so we’re walking, and we’re just talking, and then we stop, and we’re looking up at the stars...”

Dolly, Bridget, Sally, and the other five shop assistants, Donna, Nicole, Max, Jamie and Priya all sigh together at the imagery, and your eyebrows raise and you nod in an expression of, ‘I know’.

“... and then he just gets down on one knee and asks me to marry him.”

They all sigh again, a couple of them putting their hands to their chests and ‘aww’ing and you nod as you sip your champagne because, yeah, that is very cute.

Good one, me.

“What did he say? How did he ask you?” Max asks, all the assistants bunched together on a long couch they’d dragged over.

You take another, longer sip of champagne because what did he say...

“... Oh, well, that’s just between me and him,” you say with a coy smile and they all boo good-naturedly.

Nice one.

“That’s such a lovely story,” Sally smiles warmly and you return it before raising your eyebrows.

“Shall we carry on trying these gorgeous dresses?”

They all cheer and the assistants get to their feet and scurry off to the back to find more for you and Dolly and Bridget. You look at your two friends, Dolly in a yellow ballgown, Bridget in a multi-coloured floral suit, and beam. You are wearing an ivory lace number that hugs your figure and then flows out just below your hips, and are trying very hard not to spill champagne on it.

The session had quickly escalated into Dolly and Bridget trying on whatever they wanted between red dresses, and you just putting on whatever was brought out. You’d told Sally you were here to get an idea of what you wanted, but that you’d be returning very soon. Nat has scheduled in another dress shopping day for Friday and you’d quickly messaged her about half an hour ago while you were changing to cancel wherever that was and make it here. She hadn’t argued.

You’re also giving little bits of details here and there to practise for the interview, your first kiss (at your place after watching a film), when you’d said I love you, (at his place after having dinner and watching a film together), and the story of how he proposed. You’re going to have to remember all this to tell Steve, though, so you keep making notes on your phone as you get changed.

You’ve also sent him a message because you still haven’t spoken.

You know he’s with Peggy, though, so he absolutely won’t be checking his phone, but... 

It just feels strange.

“Right...” Your attention comes back into the room as Sally and Jamie appear with an armful of dresses each, “... We have a vintage style one here that we think y’all are gonna love.”

Dolly claps her hands together as Bridget gasps dramatically.

“Vintage? Oh, he’s absolutely gonna love that.”

You don’t know why that makes you feel warm. It’s not like he’s actually going to see you in it... Unless...

—

“... Thank you so much! ... We will! We’ll see you Friday!”

You have to practically drag Dolly out of the back doors of The Pearl, the three of you giggling as you wave at the assistants. Who knew you could become such firm friends with people in the space of in five hours? Well, two bottles of champagne will do that.

You’re on the higher end of tipsy, in a lovely, warm, chatty way, and you have lined your stomach and soaked some of it up, Sally having ordered you all food so you wouldn’t have to leave and 1) Face the crowd, and 2) You couldn’t be bothered to leave, really.

The crowd is also the reason you’re leaving out the back doors, none of you wanting to face the horde outside. It has grown throughout the day, people desperate to get even the tiniest glimpse of you and what you’re wearing. Priya had closed the curtains after an hour, though, and they’d had two of their security guards stationed outside the front doors and it was just bliss. You’d had the chance to forget all about the outside world and just have some fun. Moving across the staff parking lot for The Pearl and a couple of surrounding shops, people haven’t had the chance to get in because it’s guarded, and the man whose job that is looks up from his newspaper in his little station, then looks back down.

Bliss.

Nat waits for you in the SUV, those sunglasses on, one hand leaning against the steering wheel.

“Such a ‘top’ pose,” Bridget stage-whispers and you’re all falling into giggles again.

You’re still gigging as you climb into the car, you in the passenger seat, Dolly and Bridget behind you. Nat’s lips twitch as she raises an eyebrow.

“Did we all have a fun time?”

“So fun.” Dolly, who is usually the most intimidated by Nat, which isn’t surprising considering she has a crush on her and they’ve both only met her three times before, including today, launches into a glowing review of the shop and day, “Everyone was so nice and the dresses and suits and jumpsuits and shoes are gorgeous, I can’t wait until we go back, oh my God, it’s all I’m gonna think about tomorrow...”

Nat’s smile lingers on her lips as she heads towards Dolly’s apartment, Dolly carrying on for the whole journey with Bridget occasionally butting in to add a comment. You laugh the whole way, your cheeks almost hurting from how much you’ve been grinning.

Nat parks up outside Dolly’s building, and turns in her seat, pushing her sunglasses up onto her head and meeting Dolly’s gaze, which provokes a pink blush to rise on her cheeks.

“Sounds like a really good day, then.”

Dolly just nods now, swallowing lightly. “Yep.”

Glancing from her to Bridget, Nat smiles and you think you hear Bridget let out the quietest of sounds. Wanting to save them both, or maybe they don’t want to be saved, they could be loving gazing into her eyes, who knows at this point, you turn to them, too.

“Oke doke, we’ll see you later, Doll’, I’ll text you when Sam and I are on the way.”

Bridget’s eyes whip to you, their mouth dropping open. “Sam’s picking us up?!”

You can’t stop your smile from widening, your eyebrows rising. “Yeah.”

“Oh my God, right, I need to go home and get ready now, Doll’ get out, I only have three hours, oh my God...”

Dolly is laughing so hard she nearly trips out of the SUV, and one hand is on your chest as the other wipes at your eyes as you laugh. Dolly waves from the pavement as she grins before she trots into the building, and all feelings of intimidation have left Bridget as they point ahead.

“Step on it, Nat, this is a national emergency, go...”

Nat just shakes her head as she turns back around, but she’s still smiling and you’re still laughing. “All right, all right, don’t worry, hold on...”

And, boy, does she mean it.

How does she drive this fast and this safely.

—

There’s just something about getting ready for a night-out while you’re tipsy. 

Sometimes, if you haven’t had a chance to pre-drink, you have a few moments of ‘ugh, do I really want to go out, I can’t be bothered, there’s that new show out, I’m so tired, oh my God, what if I do something embarrassing...’ but now, the champagne having only worn off a little from what you made yourself for dinner, and, okay, it probably didn’t help that you also made yourself an alcoholic beverage to have with it, you’re still quite buzzed.

Steve hadn’t been home yet and Nat had left a few minutes after making sure you were inside the penthouse so you’d been able to play your music and yell along to it. You’d been able to take your time getting ready, trying on a few outfits before settling on a true classic number that makes a lot of appearances on nights out because 1) you look amazing in it, and 2) you look really damn amazing in it.

You’d even, Nat having requested it, taken a selfie once you were ready and uploaded it to your Instagram story, along with a few gifs of glasses clinking together and someone dancing.

Job done, you’d returned to the group chat you have with Dolly and Bridget and sent them the picture, accompanied with, ‘time to fuckin party’. You could send them a picture of you in a bin bag and they’d still reply with the same thing they do for every photo, and you would for them.

Bridge’ 🌟: Y E S

Dolly ✨: WHO IS SHE???

Bridge’ 🌟: INCREDIBLE, SHOW STOPPING, AMAZING, ICONIC, LIFE CHANGING

Dolly ✨: I LOVE IT

They swiftly send their own photos.

You: LOOK AT US

Bridge’ 🌟: WHO ARE WE

God, they’re great.

You ignored the slight, unpleasant flip in your stomach at seeing Steve’s message, that he sent an hour ago and you haven’t replied to yet.

I hope you had a good day, have fun tonight x

You message each other every day so you never send ‘kisses’, so this just makes you think he’s done it to soften the blow of a slightly blunt message. Is it blunt? Or are you reading too much in to it? He has had a busy day based on what Nat told you when she’d driven you to the penthouse. He was seeing Peggy all day and then going over to Bucky’s to see him, and then they are going to have their own night out.

That’s busy, right.

Whatever, he doesn’t have to reply all the time, it’s fine.

You reply:

Thanks, you too! :-) x 

Which is the kind of reply you’d give to someone at work.

You’d ignored your phone vibrating as people, strangers, react to your Instagram story, slipped it into your bag and headed downstairs.

If you were an ego-maniac, Sam’s reaction on top of your friends would just make your head explode.

“Well, hello, ma’am!”

“Oh, stop it.”

“Nu-uh, let me look at you... Wo-ow. You look amazing.”

“Stop it... but thank you, I know.”

The moment you got into his SUV, (does everyone get one the moment they join SHIELD?) he has music playing that you can both sing along and dance in your seats to. Bridget had told you to pick them up last to give them more time so you swing by Dolly’s place first and she looks gorgeous as always in a short, glittery pink dress with matching eyeshadow and lipstick, her blonde hair curled and bouncing.

You give little squeals as you see each other, despite having only seen each other a few hours ago, and she’s definitely still buzzed, too. Sam gives her the same reaction he gave you and, God, you love him.

As you pull up outside Bridget’s building, you can’t stop meeting Dolly’s gaze in the rear-view mirror, your lips twitching. She’s doing a worst job than you at hiding her smile, her hand in front of her mouth, and you’re both trying so hard to stop a laugh.

It escapes when he gets out of the car and closes the door and you’re both turning in your seats to stare at Bridget as they walk out, gorgeous as always in a buttoned up, black blazer with no shirt underneath and matching black shorts, one side of their head freshly shaved. Dolly’s hand darts out and grips your arm as Sam approaches them and kisses their cheek and they’re both smiling but you can’t hear what they’re saying and you hate SUVs, are these things sound-proof, I’ll ask Nat...

As they climb into the car, you and Dolly are staring at Bridget, smiling. They just raise their eyebrows, grinning and say, “Hey, girls.”

“Well, hello.”

“Hi.”

You have to once again stop a laugh as Sam starts to drive, turning the music up, and you were all soon yelling along to the songs.

Now here you are, at a roof-top bar, being escorted to a table that had been reserved for you. Usually, you’d go to your favourite bar opposite work but Sam had gently insisted that you move it to another place he was more familiar with and where he could have better access to an exit and eyes on you. For a place simply titled The Venue, it’s very nice up here; it’s large, fire pits and heaters dotted around so you can’t feel the cold, a stunning view of the city, low, sultry tunes playing, a dance-floor in one corner, everything either purple, red, or gold. There’s even table service, and you recognise a few people dotted around.

“Is that—”

“Oh my God, yes...” Bridget whispers back to Dolly’s question as they stare at a table a little way away.

Your lips twitch as you each take a seat at a wooden table with a candle on it, the chairs red and plush. Your server informs you that a tab has already been set up for you, so you each grab a menu and debate for a good few minutes about what to get, the server standing patiently. Settling on cocktails, the server leaves with a beam, promising to be back in a few minutes.

“God, this place is fancy,” Bridget says, turning in their seat to get another look at everything. 

“And we actually have a table!” Dolly sighs delightedly.

“Perks of being Mrs America, huh?” Bridget turns back around to look at you, their eyebrows raising with a smirk.

You snort, your cheeks heating. “Not quite yet.”

Bridget opens their mouth but Dolly gets in first, gasping suddenly. “Did you see the news by the way?”

You pull a slight face. “No, I don’t tend to look at it anymore.”

She beams, her eyes sparkling. “Well, what happened at the dress shop, at the first place, everyone’s talking about it. People are so happy you said something and brought attention to it, there’s so many discussions being had about the wedding dress industry and the fashion industry in general when it comes to plus size clothing.”

The server returns before you can reply, and as she sets your drinks down you feel heat rise on your face again as you bite at your lower lip, pride spreading through you.

Well... Great power, great responsibility... I could get all kinds of stuff to be talked about... Note to self, change world tomorrow.

The three of you take long sips of your chosen drinks, humming in delight at the taste. As you lick your lips and set your glass down, Bridget places their arms on the table and leans forward.

“Now, come on, Y/N...”

Your eyebrows raise. “... What?”

Bridget tilts their head. “What’s he like in bed.”

You give your best scandalised gasp as Dolly laughs and Bridget smirks, continuing, “He’s kinky, isn’t he? It’s always the quiet ones...”

“Bridget Sanderson,” you gasp again, even as you grin, Dolly’s laugh infectious, “A lady never tells.”

“Well, you ain’t no lady so spill.”

You take a long sip of your drink to buy some time.

Could you? Should you?

Well, I’m in this far... And they won’t let it slide...

Licking your lips, you lean forward and lower your voice. “All the details?”

Dolly giggles and claps her hands together as Bridget grins. “All of them, you saucy bitch.”

—

Who knew you were so imaginative. Who knew you could remember every detail of every fantasy you have ever had about your best friend. Who knew you could think up such filthy, delightful things. Who knew you’d start comparing these imaginings with actual things you’ve done in your life, and that Dolly and Bridget have done with their sexual partners.

Who knew all three of you could drink so much.

Sorry to whoever’s paying the tab. The government? Shit, sorry, government, no wait, no I’m not, another round!

As the server, Melanie, you found out is her name while ordering the second drink, brings you your fourth drinks, you’re currently in the middle of laughing so hard it hurts at a story Dolly is telling of a sexual encounter, tears streaming from your eyes.

“... and then...” She dissolves into laughter herself, leaning over. “... and then her cat came in and it just, it just sat on the bedside table and made eye contact with me and...” God, you bloody love her laugh. “... she was doin’ such great things and sayin’ such good dirty talk but all I could do was stare at this cat and I just felt like apologising to it... and then it just started licking itself!”

Bridget is practically curled up in their chair as they laugh and you’re having to wipe at your cheeks, practically crying. Once you’ve all calmed down, you blow out a breath and massage your stomach.

“Oh my God, Doll’, I can’t believe you never told us that story...”

“I’m gonna wanna hear it again every day,” Bridget says, running a hand through their hair as they grin.

Dolly beams, sipping her drink. “I’d forgotten ‘bout it, think I repressed it.”

“So Steve’s into dirty talk, too, huh?” Bridget asks, sipping their own drink.

You nod several times, because part of you had always just thought, with him being such a great commander and leader, that he would be... and you’ve already told them that he is. “Mmhm, he’s made me come by jus’ his words alone.”

“No.”

“Get th’ fuck outta here.”

You nod smugly, your tongue catching your straw and you take a long sip. Not a total lie, you’ve imagined his voice in your ear several times... with a vibrator helping you along. And, hey, you won’t feel guilty about any of this ‘cause this is boosting his image... to your friends.

Dolly’s eye are wide and she and Bridget lean in, wanting more sordid details. You grin, happy to oblige and divulge more of your fantasies.

“So, it was when he was away one time ‘nd he called me ‘nd—”

“Excuse me?”

All three of you pause and turn to look at a woman, close to your age, smiling as she pushes her brown straight hair over her shoulder.

“Hi.”

“H’llo.”

“Hiya.”

“Hey,” she says, holding a phone in her hands as she looks at you. “I’m sorry to bother you, but can my friends and I get a photo with you?”

You blink, and look at her. Did... Yeah, you heard it right. Photo? With you?

You nod quickly, realising you’re just staring and silent. “Oh, yeah, sure, absolutely.”

What the fuck is happening. I hope I don’t sound as drunk as I feel. Or look it, oh my God, are my eyes open properly?

You push yourself up and, oh, fuck, yep, you’re drunk, and step around your chair as the woman beams and beckons her five friends over.

“Thank you so much!”

Bridget offers to take the photo, the woman very grateful, and she and her friends introduce themselves, a little tipsy and giddy with nerves and being with a celebrity, oh my God, I’m a celebrity, this is hilarious...

You stand in the middle, your arms around the girls either side of you, and you smile, making sure your eyes are open properly, as they pose. Bridget takes a few photos before smiling and handing the phone back to the first woman as they break away from you.

“Oh my God, thank you so much!”

“You’re so pretty!”

“We’re so jealous of you!”

You just smile and nod, trying to appear a little more sober.

“Thank you, have a nice night!” you call as they wander off, still giddy with excitement and all wanting to look at the photo.

Sitting back down, blinking, you look at Bridget and Dolly. They’re looking at you, blinking, too. It’s Bridget who finally speaks.

“... So, as you were sayin’ ‘bout gettin’ absolutely railed by America’s Finest?”

The three of you dissolve into giggles again, Dolly throwing her head back as Bridget leans over the table and your hands cover your mouth.

“Hey!”

Oh my God, I really am a celebrity.

Your wide smile lingering, you lower your hands and look up at the woman. You hear a chair scrape back on the stone floor somewhere as you pause. Hang on, you know this woman—

“You worthless bitch!”

Dolly screams as the woman throws some kind of small can at you and you’re suddenly drenched in a thick, liquid, your eyes closing just in time. Someone else screams as you hear Bridget shove their chair back and yell obscenities at the woman, lunging for her, but suddenly other voices are there, and they must be pulling the woman away because her own screams are coming from further and further away.

You’re frozen in your seat, hands half-raised. People are shouting around you but you barely listen. Dazed, your hands continue moving up, as they had been doing to protect yourself, and you wipe the liquid away from your eyes, and slowly open them.

You can feel the cold now, the heaters and fire-pits worthless, the liquid sticking to your skin and clothes. Or maybe you’re just shaking because you’re in shock.

You suddenly realise someone has been talking to you. Your head moving, you meet Sam’s gaze, suddenly feeling his hand on your back. His features are soft and his voice is gentle, but you can see the rage in his eyes.

“I got you, it’s all right. Can you get up? And we’ll get you out of here?”

You nod and lower your gaze, going to reach for your bag.

“It’s all right, I got it,” he says and your eyes move to his other hand, confirming that he does.

Getting to your feet, Sam’s arm goes around your shoulders and your feet are moving. People are still shouting, some trying to take photos, but there are people pushing them away, giving you and Sam space to head towards a door he’s leading you to.

It’s paint, you realise suddenly. Blue paint. You look back down at yourself again, watching it stain your skin and clothes.

“Where’s Bridge’ and Dolly?” you hear yourself ask.

“Another agent’s got ‘em, don’t worry, she’s gonna take ‘em home.”

Sam shoves the door open and you step into a stairwell, two men stood inside it. One of them moves to your left and you see an elevator, which the man opens by typing in a code on a keypad. Sam’s hand is still on your back, gently guiding you into it. The doors shut as the man types in another code, and Sam drops his hand from you and presses a button marked ‘B’. The elevator starts to descend and you stare at the doors.

“We’re gonna get you home, all right?” Sam says quietly, and you just nod, not caring to ask if he means home home, or the penthouse.

You hear him unzip his jacket. Yeah, it is hot in here. Your skin is warm all over and your throat feels tight, and you can’t quite take in a deep enough breath. Then you hear the sound of something ripping. Your gaze darting to Sam, he holds a section of his polo shirt in his hand and offers it to you. You stare at it, your brain putting the pieces together, and then you take it. You wipe at your eyes, mouth and face, and Sam zips his jacket back up and looks at you.

“You okay?” His voice is quiet again and you’re grateful for it because even the sound of his shirt tearing has made your heart beat faster.

“That was the woman from my work, who got in, wasn’t it?” you ask blankly, your volume matching his.

He shifts a little, scratching at his jaw as you hear him release a breath. “Yeah.”

You nod, swallowing hard and you wish the lump in your throat would go away. “Right.” He opens his mouth when you continue, finally meeting his gaze, “Why did you do that, Sam? You’ve blown your cover, surely, or they’ll know I’m being watched.”

He gives a light smile. “People will expect you to be watched, it would’ve been suspicious if no one stepped in.”

“Ah.” You start to wipe at your hands.

Sam tilts his head slightly, his smile softening. “And I wanted to get you out of there.”

You meet his gaze again, but you don’t have the energy to smile, despite the sentiment being touching, and just nod. His eyes linger on you as you look back down at your hands, concern swiftly replacing his smile. 

The elevator slows then comes to a halt, the doors sliding open a moment later, and the cold night air washes over you as you both step out into the underground parking garage, yet another one, Sam’s hand returning to your back. The place is silent, and you spot Sam’s SUV amongst a few other cars, both of you heading towards it. He gestures to someone in another car but you don’t care to look, assuming it’s another agent.

He moves a step ahead of you to open the passenger side door and you stop abruptly.

“What?” he says instantly, tensing.

“The paint. It’s gonna ruin the seat.”

He looks at you for a moment, his features relaxing into a smile. “Ah, that’s all right. That can be taken care of.”

You get in after he nods, and he places your bag on your lap. Closing the door, he jogs around to the driver’s side as you buckle your seatbelt then settle your hands over your bag, gripping it along with the piece of his shirt. Your eyes focus and stay on the dashboard as he secures his own seatbelt and puts the car into ‘drive’.

The barrier is more guarded than the other parking garages you’d been in this week but that hasn’t stopped paparazzi and occupants of the building from gathering, assuming that’s how you’d leave the area. You keep your eyes on the dashboard as lights flash and people shout.

Shouting, always shouting.

Sam doesn’t drive as fast as Nat, but he’s goes at some speed when you’re out on the main road. “Steve’s gonna meet us at the apartment,” he says after a couple of minutes, keeping his eyes on the road, “He was out with Barnes.”

“Okay.” Your voice sounds small to your own ears, distant.

Neither of you talk.

You look at your hands, the paint dry and barely having come off from when you’d rubbed at them in the elevator.

You start rubbing at them again, then use your nail, trying to scrape what you can off.

“Shit...” Sam murmurs suddenly.

Glancing up at him, you find him looking in the rear-view mirror every few moments.

“What is it?”

“Someone’s followin’ us.”

Your stomach drops, and exhaustion hits you like a fucking freight train. From his reaction, you guess it’s not a news van.

Sam presses a button on the steering wheel and the sound of dialling fills the interior.

Nat answers on the first ring.

"Where are you?”

“Nat, we’re bein’ followed.”

“Shit. All right, there’s a car on the way. Change your route.”

“Okay.” He takes the next left, and you know your heart should be pounding but you’re just so tired.

“How far away are you?”

“About fifteen minutes,” Sam replies, glancing up at the rear-view mirror. “We’re definitely bein’ followed, Nat.”

“The car will be there in three minutes. Keep taking turns, it’ll follow behind them.”

“Don’t worry, Y/N, nearly home,” Sam murmurs.

“Mhm.”

“Are you okay, Y/N?” Nat asks, her voice a little softer.

“Mhm.”

Sam glances at you as he pulls up at a red light, his lips pressing together. “Not long now.”

“Mhm—”

The sound twists into a gasp as you’re thrown forward slightly, the seatbelt catching you. Sucking in a breath through your teeth, you lift your head and look in the wing mirror as Sam spits out a curse.

A car, its bonnet dented, is reversing... then it speeds towards you again.

“Sam—”

“I see it.”

“Sam, what’s going on?” Nat demands to know as Sam pushes his foot down on the accelerator, the SUV lurching forward.

“We just got hit, they’re tryna ram us.”

“Are you both okay?”

Sam’s expertly weaving through the traffic, leaving horns blaring in your wake, but he just keeps going.

“Y/N, you okay?” he asks.

“Yeah, yeah, fine.” It’s an automatic response, but you think you are. Physically, at least. Whiplash will properly rear its head soon, though.

A faint memory comes to you, however, of Sam telling you all the SHIELD cars have been built to absorb the impact of things like this, it having happened a fair few times, leaving the occupants with minimal damage, if none, so maybe not.

“Are they still following?”

“Nah, I don’t think so. Think we lost ‘em.” He only slows his speed a little, though.

“You’re right, the agents are following them now, just get back here as quick as you can.”

“All right.”

The call ends and Sam glances at you.

“Y/N, you gotta tell me if you’re not okay, are you hu—”

“I’m fine, Sam, thank you.” You swallow hard, the lump still in your throat.

He falls silent, leaving you be, and you’re grateful for it because you’re so fucking tired.

Several minutes later, he pulls up at the penthouse building and he makes you wait, sliding out of his seat and jogging round to open your door. People stare as he ushers you across the main foyer to the elevator that’ll take you up to your floor but you just look ahead. Thankfully, Sam doesn’t say a word as the elevator ascends and you just look at the doors. When they slide open at the penthouse floor and you step out into the tiny circular foyer, you let Sam get his keycard out, opening the door.

And then the noise washes over you.

People talking, to each other, over each other, on phones, demanding, ordering, snapping. You hear the door close and feel Sam behind you as you slowly walk down the short hallway, then into the living room area.

There are agents everywhere, maybe about twenty, all stood around, talking. Loudly.

They don’t look up at you as they continue on with whatever they’re doing, typing on tablets, staring at tablets, standing over a hologram of what you realise is the floor-plan of the penthouse.

“Y/N.” Your eyes dart up to Nat as she approaches, striding across the carpet. “Are you okay? How are you feeling?”

“Fine. Tired.”

“Okay.” Her gaze scans you, assessing, and you’re too drained to care that she knows you’re lying. Her hand settles on your arm gently and she holds your gaze, her voice lowering. “We analysed what this is, okay, we got the can of it from the woman, and it’s just paint—”

“Who is she?”

Nat pauses at your abrupt question, and you know she’s weighing up what to tell you. Her hand doesn’t move from your arm as she speaks, “Her name’s Marise Daniels. She’s one of Steve’s stalkers, we’ve been aware of her for a while.”

Stalkers. One of.

“Oh.”

“She...” Sam starts to say, choosing his own words carefully. “... She isn’t meant to be out, especially after what happened at your work.”

“Apparently there was a system error. Someone’s seriously fucked up,” Nat continues, the information new to you both considering Sam’s hissed release of a breath.

“Is that why these people are all here.” You don’t think you’ve ever heard your own voice sound so lifeless.

Nat pauses again, weighing her words again and, God, just tell me. “Someone tried to break in. They got into the elevator and overrode it, got up here but they couldn’t get in. The tampering alerted our systems but by the time we got here they’d gone. We’re checking CCTV footage now and asking people if they saw anything.”

You look at her, her words barely feeling like they reach you. “So why are all these people in here.”

Her hand is gently rubbing your arm now, and it’s faintly starting to ground you. “They’re checking the security systems in place here, making sure they’re secure or reinforced.”

“Okay.”

“They’ll be gone in thirty minutes, I promise.”

“Okay.”

She takes in a breath and smiles lightly. “How about we—”

“Agent Romanoff?”

A muscle in her jaw ticks slightly but she turns to the agent, her eyebrows raising. “Yeah?”

The agent lowers her phone from her ear. “Captain Rogers has helped to apprehend the suspect. He’s on his way over. Agents Moore and Lane are taking the suspect back to HQ.”

“All right, tell them to...”

Nat’s voice drops out of your hearing, and your gaze drifts to the stairs. Sam’s hand settles on your back, rubbing gently, and you remember that he’s there.

“I’m gonna... gonna go upstairs and wash this off,” you mumble to him, and you don’t hear if he replies as you move forward.

People don’t look at you, continuing with their business, talking, talking, talking. You reach the top of the stairs before you know it, opening your bedroom door. You close it behind you, muffling the sounds of the people downstairs.

Removing your shoes, you drop your bag to join them on the floor as you head to the bathroom. You pull your outfit off, letting it drop to the floor, too, you can deal with it later, hopefully the washing machine will get it out.

You turn the shower on and step under the water. Head down, you watch some of the blue paint start to wash off, swirling and whirling in the water and disappearing down the drain. Only a little, though.

You have to use your hands and the body-wash to get it off. Scrubbing at your skin. Scraping at it.

You’re in there for twenty minutes. Scrubbing. Scraping.

When you finally make yourself get out your skin feels raw. There’s still a faint stain in some parts, though. You grab a towel and use it to continue rubbing at your skin, blue now staining the cream softness of it. The rest of your skin is dry by the time you make yourself stop and you pull the robe on.

Then you look at yourself in the mirror.

The lump returns to your throat and tears fill your eyes. You look... drained. And you fucking feel it. You’re exhausted. So exhausted, in every single way. You’ve spent all week fighting so hard to stay up-beat, to stay positive, to make this work, to see the good sides, but the world isn’t allowing that. You’d just wanted to yell at the woman, Marise, that you are doing this to keep him safe, that he is in danger, and you are just doing this to keep your fucking best friend safe.

The fact there’s still some blue paint staining your cheeks and neck is what makes the tears finally spill down your face. Sniffing, you swallow hard and grab a hand towel, wetting it and scrubbing at your skin once more.

It’s not moving.

You inhale a quiet, shuddering breath, almost a sob, as you stare at your reflection, scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing.

Three gentle knocks sound on your bedroom door.

“Come in,” you say automatically, your voice cracking, and you wipe at your eyes.

You look up as the door opens and see in the reflection... Steve.

He pauses, the door nearly closed behind him. You sniff again as you look at him, his eyes assessing you.

“Hey,” he says softly.

“Hey,” you answer. You shrug then, your features crumbling. “... It’s not coming off.”

The door closes and he’s moving towards you.

“Come here, it’s okay...”

As you turn from the mirror, you’re then enveloped in his embrace, your cheek pressed against his chest as he holds you. A jagged sob escapes you as your arms go around him, holding onto his shirt, gripping it.

“It’s okay...” he murmurs again, and you feel his voice rumbling in his chest, his chin resting on your head.

You’ve tried so hard to stave off tears all week that now that you can, now you don’t care anymore, now that you’re so tired, they’re not stopping. The front of his grey shirt must be damp, now, and your throat hurts and your chest is heaving but you just let the tears come and come, and he doesn’t stop you, doesn’t say anything, just holds you, his hands occasionally stroking your back and arms gently.

It’s not until you start to draw back that he does, guiding you to the sit on the rim of the bath.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble, wiping at your cheeks with one hand. “Still a bit drunk, I think.”

A corner of his mouth lifts a little as he crouches down before you and takes the hand towel. “You don’t need to apologise. You can cry as much as you like.”

Your own lips lift for a moment as you sniff, and then you want to cry all over again as he starts to gently dab at the stains on your face and neck. You watch him, your eyes tracing his nose and mouth, the small, concerned lines on his forehead. If he got into a fight with the suspect earlier, there’s no sign of it. His hair doesn’t even look tussled.

Your eyes continue moving and meet his. He lowers his hand and inhales a quiet breath.

“I’m sorry, about all of this, Y/N.”

You’re shaking your head before he’s even finished his sentence. “Steve, it’s not your fault.”

He looks almost pained at that, shaking his own head. “I could’ve prevented you being in this situation, though, I knew the risks of—”

“Don’t,” you interrupt sharply, surprising you both, but you continue on, “I already know what you’re going to say, and I will take it all, all of this, if it means I get to be your friend. Like we’ve said, we’re a team in this. I really wouldn’t want anyone else as my fake fiancé or as my friend.”

A smile pulls at his lips, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “You shouldn’t have to take all this, though, you shouldn’t—”

“No, I shouldn’t. But I will.” Your hand has found his free one, and grips it gently.

He turns his hand over instantly, curling his fingers around your hand, his thumb brushing over your knuckles. His smile softens.

“I think the world’s finally gonna see the stubborn pain in the ass I have to deal with.”

You exhale a laugh, and his smile widens at seeing yours.

“Well, it’s only fair others should have to suffer,” you say, shrugging a shoulder.

“You’re right there.” He resumes dabbing at your skin as you look at him.

“How was your day?” you ask quietly after a few silent moments, knowing he’ll just ask how you are if it stretches any longer.

“It was okay.” He’s dabbing at your chin now. “Peg says hi, and that she understands what you’re going through.”

God, you just want to cry all over again.

Your chest warms as you smile. “Really? Maybe I should go on your next visit.”

“I think she’d really like that.” His thumb is still brushing over your knuckles, and you wonder if he realises he’s still doing it. “She knows this isn’t real, though, think she figured it out.”

“Well, I wouldn’t expect anything less. How was Bucky?”

“Fine. He says hello, too.”

“Wow, everyone’s being so kind to me today.”

He arches an eyebrow at you as you laugh, trying to stop himself from doing the same. “I don’t know whether it’s a good sign or not that you’re already joking about this.”

“Humour’s a great coping mechanism, you know that.”

He’s still smiling, but you can see the concern returning, so you quickly continue, taking your hand from his so you can raise a finger, raising your eyebrows, “Well, Doll’ and Bridge’ told me to tell you, by the way, well done, on having me as a fiancée.”

The corners of his mouth lift higher, now reaching his eyes. "Yeah, I know how lucky I am.”

“Oh, and, you proposed to me in our park, by the way.”

He tilts his head as you smile somewhat smugly. “Did I, now?”

“Yeah, under the stars.”

His eyebrows raise as he smiles widely. “Wow, you’re also very lucky, then.”

You wave your hand slightly. “I said a lot of stuff today, I’ll have to fill you in. I made notes.”

He chuckles as he lowers the towel from your face and rises to his feet. “You can show me my homework tomorrow.”

You watch him as he moves to the sink, dropping the towel into it, then raise your hand suddenly. “Oh, there was a dress I actually really liked there, too.”

 “The one you sent me a picture of?”

You freeze, staring at him as he turns to you.

“... What?”

Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he moves back towards you, unlocking it, then taps on a couple of things before turning it towards you.

Ohp.

And there you are.

In the vintage style dress, cascading flutter sleeves stopping just below your elbows, tight on your breasts and with a v-neckline, satin gold, your hand on your waist, beaming at your reflection in the gold mirror at The Pearl. 

Ah, now you remember sending it...

“... Yeah, that’s the one.”

“It’s really nice,” he says, sliding his phone back into his pocket as he offers you a hand to get to your feet. “You look great in it.”

Your face heats as you take his hand and get up, shrugging a shoulder and smiling. “Oh, well, thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

Your hands drop, yours going to your side, his going into the pocket of his jeans. Looking up at him, you give a light smile, which he returns.

“You okay?” he asks softly, and you nod after a moment.

“Yeah. Just so fucking tired,” you say with a slight laugh. “Think I’m just gonna sleep now.”

He nods, his teeth grazing over his lower lip. “That sounds like a good idea. What a fuckin’ day, huh?”

You snort, your eyebrows raising. “Yeah, for both of us.”

He sighs, as if remembering that, oh, yeah, someone had tried to break in, too. “The agents have all gone, now. The place is even more secure, it’s like a fortress.”

“Well, that’s good.”

You head into the bedroom, and he follows you out, moving to the door. He opens it, turning to you, and you share another smile.

“Sure you’re okay?” he asks again, and you bite at your lower lip.

Stay.

You widen your smile. “Yeah. Just very ready for sleep.”

He nods, taps his fingers against the door and smiles. “All right. Goodnight. I’m just down the hall if you need me.”

“Yeah. Goodnight.”

Your smile lingers for a moment as the door closes, then fades as you hear him walk away.

—

Halfway down the stairs, Steve pauses, his hand on the railing.

He considers turning around.

Going back up the stairs.

Opening your door.

Taking you in his arms again.

After a minute, he carries on down.

—

In your pyjamas, phone in your hand, you climb into bed, sinking into the soft safeness of it.

You unlock it, finding several messages in the group chat from Dolly and Bridget, asking how you are, saying they’re home safe, that Sam had filled Bridget in and they’d filled Dolly in, that they both hope you’re okay.

You send a message back saying that you are okay, you’re tired, and that you’ll speak to them tomorrow, and you hope they’re okay.

There’s a message from someone else, too.

I’ve just seen what happened on the news, I really hope you’re okay x

I’d have a normal life with Aaron.

Where the fuck did that come from?

But you can’t help thinking it.

He’d slipped into your mind when you’d masturbated that morning. You hadn’t wanted to think about it. You’d just imagined him, out of curiosity at first, as he’d posted a photo on Instagram of him at the gym again, just to imagine what he’d be like, you do it with most people to pass the time... and then he’d stayed in your mind.

It had seemed... more real than when you’d imagine Steve. Probably because Steve is your best friend and you shouldn’t be thinking of him that way and you don’t want to ruin what you have, you really don’t, and Aaron... Aaron is the kind of person you could take a chance on.

You feel tears start to prick at your eyes because this is fucked, this is all so fucked, and you love your best friend and you can only think that in it’s entirety without your brain shutting down when you’re drunk or tipsy because it’s the only time your mind is free and you love him, you love him, you love him, you love him...

But there is no fucking way you will ever risk losing him as a friend.

—

Comments and reblogs make my day in a way I can’t describe.

Let me know if you’d like to be tagged or untagged in this series!

Tagged: @herb-welch​, @jobean12-blog​, @gifsbysimplysonia​, @multireality​, @saltyspiceduh​, @sergeantangel​, @sarcasm-is-my-native-tounge​, @lex-is-up-all-night-to-get-bucky, @dispatchvampire​, @superapplepie​, @rynabarnesrogers-reading​, @im-not-great-at-making-up-names​, @imaginedreamwrite​, @thesefleshfailures, @mrsbarnes32557038​, @tellthemall-i-saidhi​​, @tacohead13​​, @opalsandlace​​, @notsomellowmushroom​​, @river-soul​, @ollypopp​, @byssheplease​, @kimberliinabox​, @ughofcourse​, @sebbystanlover-vk​, @vale0413​, @donutloverxo​

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x plus size reader #steve rogers #captain america #captain america x reader #marvel fanfic #my writing #flamehairedwritings

[dolldirector]

Fallen Realm Playlist Masterpost

Big infodump under the read more, if you like my OCs and/or agree with my flawless music taste this should be interdasting

1. MUSE - Thought Contagion

Vampire stuff, punk vibes, a nod to thriller, all of the above fit the mood of a FR show + the song is genuinely very good and I could see it being used on stage easily.

2. PAIN - Call Me

Absolute banger. But that's besides the point. I see this as being the bassist Jez/Jamie's song (with a side of Deuce as the second vocalist). Jez is a fairly quiet lad who generally keeps to himself but I always imagined that he’d be secretly very flirty and cheeky, but would mostly only really express it via music. I actually wrote a lil short story where most of FR's band (minus Rex and Isabella) find themselves in some dive bar after a show, and end up performing in the place of the no-show band that was meant to be there that night. That band ends up being the very same one that kicked Jez out, so it’s a bit of a revenge story for him. This short is on my discord by the by.

3. Emigrate - Eat You Alive

Oh boy, this is a strong one. Basically, just watch this video but pretend that Axl is Richard (the frontman). That’s it. That’s the explanation.

Being serious though, RZK is and always has been a huge influence for Axl's visual design, mannerisms and on-stage behaviours. On top of that, this is 100% the type of music he'd listen to, and the lyrics may as well just be plucked right outta his brain. Are the words meant to be aimed at Valeriya in a threatening way? Or is it a cheeky flirt with Trinity? Both? Neither? We’ll never know.

Also, completely unrelated I’m sure, here’s a wip you may or may not be able to force me to finish on stream via channel points soon...

4. Axel One - Out of the Dark

Can't exactly say much about this one cause it's spoilers, but I will say it's less about the song itself and more about the video, and that it does concern the one FR character who is already dead when the story begins.

5. Lord of the Lost - Raining Stars

Just seems to me like a real good song to perform to. I can imagine seeing acrobatic stunts in slow-mo to this track. That’s it for this one, just “I just think they’re neat”. Gorgeous song and video by an amazing band anyway though.

6. Oomph! - Supernova

Kinda the same deal as the Emigrate song, you can just insert Axl into this one in Dero’s place, along with Jez, Vlad, and Thatch. Once again the style and lyrics fit him perfectly, and this one earns bonus points since Dero is actually Axl's canon voiceclaim - specifically in this era of Oomph!’s music too.

7. Die Kreatur - Kälter als der Tod

At the risk of this thread becoming Oops All Axl TM - AH YES. This one is perfect for the point where Axl finally gets the fuck over himself, and stops being horrible to Vlad because of guitar jealousy, and they become bros.

Realistically, I doubt that Vlad - the clueless human vampire fanatic - will ever realise that Axl is a real actual vampire, but he'd be so glad that they seem to have this ~shared interest~ in them, and he'd by hyped as heck to do a performance like this with his guitar buddy. By the way, Vlad wonders to himself, isn’t it odd that he’s never seen Axl putting his fake fangs in?? Weird

As for the girl on the altar, there are a couple ideas I’ve toyed with. Random audience member for fun. Trinity but Axl gets mad jealous even though he thought and said he wouldn't. (No sharing!! Not even for jokes.) Valeriya but the poor thing is scared to the point of tears because this is just a little too close to a real experience for her and Vlad just can't figure out why. Axl insists she’s just being dramatic. Rex has to rescue her because she’s too shy to put her foot down.

Or perhaps Isabella would wanna join in, but she can't take it seriously and keeps laughing which just causes a chain reaction every time with even Axl cracking a smile. There are like a million cut takes now. Send help.

All in all a fun crossover to think about.

8. Adelitas Way - Still Hungry

This one is just Diesel’s anthem. This is the story of a young punk who can’t stop, won’t stop, never gives up and needs more. Right kinda music for him too.

9. MONO INC. - Shining Light

100% a full-cast song. I feel like the lyrics apply to a number of different things about various members of the circus' backstories, and their found family vibe together - if you think about them in super vague terms, at least. I liked to consider the vocals a duet between Rex and Isabella, being the two singers, but there are a couple lines that are kinda too adult for Bella and would make the duet sorta odd so ehhh 90% of it can be that, let’s say. (This is baring in mind that Isabella is an orphaned minor and Rex is like a father figure for her - as he kinda is for many of the members of the circus)

I also did a doodle of this. This one will also be on the force-me-to-work-on-this-WIP-live pile.

9.5. Lacrimosa - Lichtgestalt a.k.a the original version of Shining Light

Same song, just German and carrying a much darker, creepier tone. It fits in new, fun ways.

10. Oomph! - Viel zu Tief

OOPS ALL AXL TM

Lyrics are very important for this one. Once again, music is the right style, Dero is still his voiceclaim, and Axl actually speaks German in canon (and NO I didn’t do that just so Oomph! songs fit him better, shUT UP)

11. Pet Shop Boys - It’s a Sin

Bit out of left field for this playlist, sure, but with all the controversy and extremely shakey morals in FR's world and with its characters, this one just seems fitting. Plus I'd want em to cover it for a show. Banger.

Honorable mention goes to Ghost’s cover of this song. I don’t even listen to Ghost but my reaction upon finding out this exists was like “lmao yes, of course, why wouldn’t they”.

This song in general I associate instinctively with Vlad, purely because its 80s and campy and I feel like he’d be the type to listen to Ghost.

12. Destiny Potato - Lunatic

Very strongly feel this is a performance song featuring Isabella. This song fits the character - and in particular her tragic backstoryTM pretty well. I’d even go so far as to say the singer would be a pretty good voiceclaim for her if her voice wasn’t meant to be more robotic in canon. This is pretty close to what I imagine, though. Strong n sweet.

13. Nightwish - I Want My Tears Back

One of the first songs I imagined to go well with stage performances. This one for sure would be a duet between Rex and Isabella.

Plus at about 3:10 there's a long solo with a bit of back-and-forth between the guitar and hurdy gurdy (I think?) that I could 100% see Axl and Vlad doing on guitar and keytar respectively.

14. Lord of the Lost - Drag Me To Hell

Yeah this one is just Axl @ his ex

15. Lindemann - Steh Auf!

Bleib nicht liegen, es wär schade - Zirkus ist heut in der Stadt

So, this would be from Isabella’s perspective. Did I mention she was orphaned? Yeah. I guess this one is a little dark.

16. Otetsu & GUMI - Disordered Self-Restraint Girl

The song itself seems to be the story of a child who is trying to coax their parent/guardian into getting up and doing things, not realising that parent had passed away from a drug overdose. Drugs isn’t the way Isabella’s parents died, but the rest of the song fits that part of her backstory imo. Plus, it’s German, and Isabella is German, so yay!

Uh oh, vocaloid.

For a long time I've associated this one with Valeria, and her feelings towards the circus in the early days. After she's accidentally turned by Axl, Val gets effectively kidnapped by FR, taken in before she can even regain consciousness and completely against her will, since it would be incredibly irresponsible of them to just leave a fresh new vampire out in the world so they kinda don't have a choice. While she eventually finds her place and elects to stay after some time has passed, there was a period of time where she definitely would have felt trapped.

This is without even going into the fact that she's now stuck travelling and living with her would-be murderer, and - due to the fact that half of the circus don't even know non-humans exist, let alone what actually happened to Valeria - many of the people around her don't seem to care, or simply do not understand why she's so scared and stressed. It leaves her, at times, feeling like she could be killed tomorrow and nobody would give a shit.

Showtime, katanamochi bunbun furimawashi kubi kara ue hanetobashite mo - ashita ni nareba minna motodoori, waratte yurushite

Translation: Showtime, even if a sword wielder slices my head and makes it fly off, tomorrow everything continues as usual, smiling, forgiving

(Don't worry, in reality Rex, Diesel, and Thatch are there for her & understand the shit she's going through. I promise the folks in the circus do actually care. It's just hard for her to see it in this period of time.)

(There will almost definitely be more songs and doodles added here in the future, but for now that’s all folks!)

#fallen realm #playlist #masterpost #ocs

[benisasoftboi]

Gushing time.

Rune Factory 4 Special arrived a day early, so my entire day has been consumed in nostalgia. The original Rune Factory 4 was the first video game I ever bought on release day - I remember saving up all my money and making my mum drive me to like three different shops trying to find one that had it. I was already a fan of the franchise - before then, Rune Factory 3 had been my favourite video game, across the board. Aside from a playthrough of the first game last year, I haven’t played a Rune Factory game in a long time, certainly not RF4. But just starting up the game and hearing the music again, it was like it was suddenly seven years ago. Running around Selphia and seeing all the characters again - I love JRPGs, have played a lot of them, and I can think of very few that have characters that have stuck with me this long. And the aesthetics - the best thing about the Rune Factory franchise has always been the aesthetics, the music, the scenic and character design, just the general world. It’s a beautifully whimsical balance of urban and fantasy, and it’s the only JRPG world I think I’ve ever come across that I would genuinely want to live in. Rune Factory may no longer be my favourite game franchise - but I don’t think there has ever been another series that has felt so much like home to me.

Here’s a very long selection of personal highlights from the art book (by which I mean photos of the art followed by my rambling opinions):

Yeah, see, here’s the thing - Rune Factory 1 is not a good game. I could write an entire essay on why it’s bad (I actually started and got pretty damn far before realising no one’s interested in my two thousand word review of a game that came out over a decade ago - the short version is ‘Misty Bloom-fucking-Cave’. Anyone who’s played RF1 knows exactly what I mean). Don’t get me wrong, it has good qualities - excellent boss fights, for one, and also, as with the rest of the franchise, it is aesthetically wonderful. But ultimately, it feels less like playing a video game, and more like playing a proof of concept for a game. Which I guess it kind of was - and I can’t hate it because we wouldn’t have the rest of the series without it.

But it literally ends with a dragon spewing plant breath on a tank to make a turnip grow out of the gun. ‘Profound’, my arse. 

It’s Raguna! The “master sowrdsman!” (that is not a typo on my part that is a direct quote from the ending of Rune Factory 1 this game’s script had so many issues-). And Mist! My favourite of the ‘canon’ love interests!

Best girl! When I was a kid, my favourite love interest in RF1 was Rosetta. As an adult, it is Tabatha. I don’t know what it is about her that I find so likeable (she’s as lacking in personality as any other RF1 character), but... idk, I just like her a lot.

Camus’s big ambition is to leave town like even once. He will never achieve it

Fun fact about Melody is that she’s extremely depressed, a fact that comes up once in an optional side quest and is never addressed again. It’s incredibly dark for an RF game

Fun fact about Lukas is that he sucks (he’s one of those ‘obsessed with talking about how hot all the girls are’ characters, an archetype that thankfully doesn’t show up again in these games). But also, interestingly enough, thanks to one of RF1′s many, many script errors, if you marry Rosetta (the girl Lukas is the most obsessed with), he’s supposed to express disappointment that he lost her to Raguna - but instead, he implies that he’s disappointed to have lost Raguna to her. The translators typoed their way into giving him a sexuality change. Which is honestly kind of amazing.

LOOK AT THIS SLIME THIS IS SUCH A COOL SLIME LITERALLY EVERY OTHER JPRG SLIME GO HOME DRAGON QUEST GET FUCKED (jk I like Dragon Quest a lot and its slimes are cool too). Wish you could see in-game that this is what they’re meant to be like.

I just generally love the monster designs, they’re really charming

Rune Factory 2! The RF game with the most weirdly mundane protagonist name (Kyle. In the main four games of this franchise we’ve got Raguna, Micah, Lest, Frey... and Kyle). The two generations thing was actually very cool, but when they say ‘each chapter captures a different lifestyle’, what they really mean is ‘the first half is a weak Harvest Moon I’m sorry, STORY OF SEASONS game, and the second half is a pretty good Rune Factory game’  

lookit this little fuck

Yue Yue Yue! I love Yue so much, she’s great. She’s kind of like a much chiller version of Anna from Fire Emblem.

It’s really cool that we got to see grown up Cecilia (she was in RF1). I have this silly headcanon that if Kyle doesn’t marry Mana, Nicholas (her friend in 1) comes to visit Cecilia one day in the hazy-post game future, and meets Mana, and they get together. While Yue is my favourite, I do genuinely like Mana a lot, and I just want her to find love, I guess.  

Here’s original Barrett! There’s a reason he was popular enough to make a reappearance (well, aside from the whole grumpy pretty boy thing he’s got going on) - he was a great character in this game. His and Dorothy’s relationship is also definitely the most compelling of the rival romances. Bonus Max, who also has a little shout-out in RF4 (check the diary in what will become Dylas’s bedroom at the start of the game)

Ray is male, but apparently he was originally going to be a female character, as he has an unused portrait in a wedding dress. My friend and I agree that this makes him a Trans Icon

Monster designs remain excellent. Especially the goblins

Skipping over Frontier (and also Oceans later), as I never got to play it growing up due to not having a console, and still haven’t got around to it - might try this summer. Except I do need to point out that these guys should be memes. I don’t know in what way. But they should.  

Rune Factory 3! My first RF game. The transformation thing was very cool, even if it was basically useless outside the main story. My friend and I spent hours mucking about in the WiFi dungeon. I loved the desert settlement and all of the dungeon designs in general, and man, RF3 is just great. I hope it gets a remake one day.

Raven Raven Raven! I LOVE Raven (as do most). Her story with Micah is the first time I can remember getting genuinely invested in a video game romance. I’m so glad she cameos in RF4. I love her. She’s wonderful.

I have an odd fondness for Marian. When I was about twelve, I decided to do a playthrough where I deliberately romanced the least popular bachelorette. After poking around on forums, I determined that character to be Marian, and did a run with her. And... I actually came to really like her. I find her endearing. I get that people find her annoying and don’t like her... unethical medical practices, but doing that run has still made me a pretty protective of her. It’s been a long time since I played RF3, so maybe I’d change my mind if I replayed now, but currently, as far as I’m concerned,  Marian’s a good’un.

I think I also used to low key ship her with Collette lol 

Pia’s official art has always been super weird to me because it’s so not what her character is like in-game. She’s a ditzy airhead. This makes her look so serious

RAINBOW! Another character whose art makes them look way more serious than they actually are. Daria is great and would be a meme if this game was more popular. I think she’s also implied to be a relative of Margaret. 

I’ve always been super confused about what Kuruna’s skirt is meant to be. Is it fur? Is it part of her shirt? Is it even a skirt at all?

Check it out, it’s the guy everyone would ship Micah with if this game was more popular

I want Zaid to make a reappearance and interact with Doug. Pretty sure it’s canon that they’re from the same clan? Think it would be very interesting.

RF3 definitely had the coolest farm. Also, still love the desert settlement.

This is from Oceans, so I have no context, but it’s just so cool that I had to share

Rune Factory 4. Culmination of the series is right - when I was playing it for the first time, I remember being blown away by just how much it is a true love letter to the franchise. I have never come across another game series that so consistently grew and improved from entry to entry. RF4 was a perfect ending.

Not that I’m complaining about getting RF5. Quite the opposite.

But if it had been the end (as we all thought it was until about a year ago), well, like I say. Perfect. 

Well. Aside from soda can nipples. Can’t believe they didn’t fix those. Though in some ways, that would have made me sad too

Dolce has such a cool design, in both human and monster form. I’ve always kind of crack-shipped her with Margaret, for no real reason at all

Vishnal! I love Vishnal. Vishnal is pure as heck. Marrying him this time around.

Doug! My choice from last time around. Another character who looks more serious in his official art than he is in-game (well... most of the time)

And then there’s Dylas, who looks much happier here than he does most of the time. Kind of looks like he and Doug swapped bodies, actually. There’s a fanfic prompt for you.

Their ship name is Dyldo. I love them

Leon is nostalgic for me mostly because my friend and I used to get into a lot of arguments about whether or not he’s the hottest character in the game. She maintains that he is, because muscles. I maintain that muscles aren’t actually that attractive. It is a rift that divides us to this day

(He looks oddly... younger in this art though? Weird)

Sechs Empire is such an unfortunate name. Seriously. How rushed was RF1′s localisation team? All those script errors, and then this (the Sechs were the antagonists in the first game, and were only referenced in passing in the rest until RF4 - so it was a bit of a ‘sins of the father’ situation by then).

Seriously, try saying ‘Sechs Emperor’ out loud and tell me you can take this man seriously 

I??? Love??? Them???

I??? LOVE??? THEM???

Still confused as to why Kiel, Xiao Pai, Arthur and Margaret are on the cover now. Don’t get me wrong, I like them, but... Amber, Dylas, Dolce and Leon made way more sense? Even the Archival Cover makes more sense (Vishnal, Clorica, Forte), as those three are all kind of Lest/Frey’s servants (well, Forte for the whole town, but still). Of those first four, all but Arthur basically lift right out of the game with little-to-no impact on the story

NO HAT TABATHA NO HAT TABATHA

I’ve always really loved this Raven picture

And I am thankful for you <3

#rune factory #rune factory 4 #rune factory 4 special #rf4 #rf4s #rf4srelease #i love these games <3

[one-abuse-survivor]

Tired is when you're sick of life, or feel weighed down by the stuff around you. Sleepy is when you want to go to bed. That's how me and my friend do it, anyhow. At this point, I'm fucking exhausted to the point where I feel too tired to let it out but im gonna anyways. There's bits in here that I can't tell my friend, or anyone, so i'm hoping bc this is anonymous i can let it out. Right, intro done lol. Onto the story. Last night, i have no idea what time, maybe five or six, (all i know is this

thing ended at 7pm), my mom storms out of the room and comes back holding a bottle of water and her bag. She proceeds to tell my dad she found the bottle at the bottom of my bed, (basically im not supposed to have anything at the bottom of my bead bc asian tradition believes that youre on top of it and thats dirty or whatever). Then she pulls out my school photo, puts it on the table and tells my dad to look at it. Starts ranting about how I never listen, i look horrible, worst photo i've ever taken. 

Basically, I go to a private school, and they think I should look good, and then they spent some time lecturing me about how i was supposed to look right when i was in the school, I look like a boy, i act like a boy, my hair's a mop, I look like a hooligan. Start talking about when i dress to go to school, how my shoes aren't polished and one of them has laces that show the white inner. How my hair's messy at the back, if i saw someone in jeans and someone in a suit in the street, who would i think was respectful? They told me they shouldn't have let me into the school, they loved me too much, that's why, they should have let me go to this public school that has a reputation for being a mess, that i belong there, waste of money, they regret letting me go here, thought i was a respectable girl. 

Dad asked me again, who wouldd i think was respectful, the jeans or the suit, and I told him I don't know. We'll get to that later, but at that moment he sneered and snorted and looked at my mom. 'says she doesnt know' he jeers. I'd meant it as in 'i have no idea, please help me'. He took it as 'she doesn't know, and doesn't give a fuck'. I don't know how to look proper. they never taught me. they tell me that something looks good so i wear it. mom still buys my clothes for me. I have no fucking clue what looks proper and what doesn't. 

Anyways, somehow they moved onto uni, and my current work, and how I pull all-nighters and how dad thought i was smart but nopw he has no hope, how he sees me get up in the morning and know i'm going to fail the assessment, how i get distracted, how i take too long to shower, how i never learn, how i never help them around the house, they do everything for me and if he was in my shoes then he would work until 'smoke came out' (vietnamese saying), how he would be so grateful but i'm not and they're going to leave me (which is a normal threat for them lol) and how they're going to die (another normal threat, dad has a lifelong illness and mom has been struggling with leukaemia for years) and they're not going to pay for uni if i get a stupid degree, only if i get a good degree like they want which will actually help me (law), if i want to become an engineer (something im considering) then i can pay for it myself, then again it's not like i'm even going to get into uni, when they look at me, they have to think of the girl i was when i was five because if they think about me now they feel sad, they won't look at me because I make them sad, they had so much hope for me, now down the drain, no, down to the sewers, look at my cousins going out, one of them had piercings and infections and almost got tattoos and is a nurse in a prison with a husband who stressed her out so much she passed out at work, do i want that, that's what i will get if i dont work, basd job, assisstants have to buy pads for their bosses, horrible child, this will end one of two ways, one i listen to them and come back years later to thank them or i'll look up at the stars and wish that i'd listened to them and they regret having me and caring for me, if only they'd been better parents, they'd been too lenient, but i don't care do i because if i cared it'd show in my working to please them and i haven't done that so that means i don;t care about them.

Dad told me it was too late to change, then switches to tell me it's not too late, they ramble on about my internet use, (i have to ask them for internet) and i'm not acutlalyu doping work on it, i'm just fucking around, they kjnow, they know, i can lie all i want nbut it's true. Horrible child, they'll die, they'll die, That's the end of the conversation, we're not going to talk about it anymore. No, stop talking. I'm going to tell you this until i die. I'm going to keep saying it, beccause it's better that i say it and you not listen than i dont say it and regret not saying it. (okay, i can;t currently remember anything else of what they said lol.). By the way, you wanna know abt

[asks didn’t arrive and I asked for the last bit again]

ok lets hope to god this sends then. i think i know where i was up to - 'do you want to know about what was wrong with the photo' i think was meant to be that. anyways, yeah. guess what was wrong with it. i had a fucking splinge. like my hair was parted and a bit of the part was split. that's all i can see that's wrong with it. maybe my hair looked oily? idk but that's all i noticed. also said something after that about do u remember when dad asked me abt who did i think looked better the suit.

also can i add something i just remembered which is that one of them put folders on my shelf and mom told me she knew i put them there to hide what i was looking at on my laptop from her when i??? didnt??? put them??? there??? in the first place???? (the layout of my room allows the folders to block the view of someone from the door basically) i put new folders there after i think my dad put them there but i didnt originally put them there??? sorry it was a full ask rant and i have no idea what the freak i typed and what i didnt lol. but u get the gist i think. big fat lecture.

i am tired. my eyes were puffy and there was like this pool of snot floating on top of this pool of tears if you did get the ask sorry u had to read that twice. :(. i mean even tho u didnt see it i was able to let it all out. not sure if it made me feel better about anything but being able to do it at all is rlly nice. Thank you for that.

-----

No wonder you’re tired, nonnie... I’m really glad you could get all of this off your chest, and really sorry that you have to hear those awful things about yourself coming from your parents.

I’m a white European, so I don’t share many of your experiences and I don’t know how it is to live in a Vietnamese family, but I hope it’s okay to compare it a little bit with my experiences in my (very Christian) family--if not, you can absolutely skip the next paragraph! 

I have had a bunch of conversations with my therapist about traditions, religion, and misogyny, because since I cut my mother off, my grandfather has lectured me many times about how I am a bad daughter for looking out for myself and putting my life first instead of being devoted to my mother’s wants and needs. He told me that she’s sick and I’m horrible for not caring about that and abandoning her, and that if she doesn’t love me, I just have to work harder until I "crack her walls”. (As if I haven’t tried already, and as if she didn’t use her very mental illness as an excuse to abuse me). My therapist basically told me that sometimes, being the Disney villain in some people’s stories means you’re doing something right, because their vision of what’s right and what’s wrong (especially when it comes to daughters and women in general) is designed to hurt you, to make you put your family before yourself. That it’s never wrong to put yourself and your needs first, and that kids don’t owe their parents anything just because the parents brought them into this world--that was the parents’ choice, not the kid’s, and therefore it’s the parents’ responsibility to care for their kid, whoever that kid turns out to be; and not the kid’s responsibility to be the model child that the parents had in mind or to care for them.

Your parents belittling you for things you have little to no control over and accusing you of being responsible for their future deaths, for not knowing things that haven’t been explained to you, for not living up to their expectations without even giving you a chance to try, and for not “working for them as hard as they would in your place”, are all red flags of emotional abuse. Accusing you of things you don’t do and constantly drilling into your mind that they “know” you’re a horrible person who doesn’t want to learn or change is a red flag too, and probably an excuse to take the guilt off their shoulders for not taking the time to guide you in life and to explain anything to you before accusing you of not knowing it already. “It’s too late” puts the blame on you, but what it actually means is probably something along the lines of “It’s easier to scream at you than to put realistic expectations on you and then help you achieve them while respecting your boundaries and allowing you to make mistakes, but I don’t want to feel guilty about it, so let’s pretend you’re a lost cause, yeah?”

I used to go to a private school too, and my mother repeatedly told me that was the reason she struggled economically and that I had ruined her life. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy that I realised that I never had a choice in what school I went to. Same as I never had a choice in anything my mother decided for me. So how could I be to blame for the consequences of those decisions? And how can you? If they buy you certain clothes, then they have no right to criticise how you look in them. If they chose to put you in a private school, then the money spent is on them, not you. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you’re worth their decisions for you or their basic care for you--they chose to give you that unconditionally the moment they decided to have you in the first place, and if they refuse to give it or threaten to take it away, it’s becuase they’re neglectful and/or abusive, not because something intrinsic about you justifies it. You’re not a bad kid; you’re just a normal kid with very bad parents. And I’m really sorry that you have to put up with them. You deserve better 😔

I’m here if you need to vent again in the future, nonnie. Sending a virtual hug ❤

#Anonymous #Vent #Ask #Abuse tw #Abuse #Abusive parents #Emotional abuse #Long post #Threats #Guilt tripping #guilt tripping tw #Threats tw #therapy mention #christianity mention #neglect mention #(I'm nonbinary btw but it's not like my grandfather knows or would care 🙃)

[buttercupsfrocks]

What’s on my dressing table? (aka Look at my stuff! Part 1).

Yo, tumblr. It mightn’t surprise you to learn that I’m quite keen on interior design. For some months I’ve been trying to realise some equity on my flat so I can get some work done on it. Starting with some urgent re-pointing of the outside walls. Obviously, not yet being in possession of the requisite funds isn’t the only fly in the ointment just now, but I’m allowing myself to dream about the improvements I’d like to make anyway. To this end I’ve started buying home decor magazines again, but find myself increasingly underwhelmed. I know it’s not just me. They really are duller and blander than they used to be. I have a folder full of cuttings from the first (and last) time I did up the place in the 90s, and there was so much more individuality in evidence. There was definitely a whole lot more colour. It’s the same with estate agents’ websites; I’m so bone weary of understated pearl grey show-homes I could boak. 

I blame the wave of interior design TV shows that proliferated in the noughties. Stuff like The House Doctor which, in ordering sellers to kennel their pets, stick all their belongings in the attic, and paint everything magnolia if they wanted to make a killing, created a generation of entitled, unimaginative buyers who expect every house they look at to be neutral, immaculate and devoid of the previous owner’s personality from the get-go. Time was, unless you were minted, you expected any place you could just  about afford to buy to be a minging fixer-upper by default. I watched a Netflix series not long ago in which a Canadian realtor found properties for a succession of single women and I could not believe how many of them bellyached that the kitchen didn’t have marble worktops and stainless steel appliances. Like, how about you save your pennies, like a fucking grownup, and buy your own when you’ve moved in! Jesus, I once viewed a flat that had brown suedette walls with a collection of German spiked military helmets mounted on them, but that wasn’t the reason I didn’t buy it; I simply didn’t like the layout or the hefty service charge. 

Like those snide gits who comment on one’s “brave “fashion choices, these  gumptionless dullards are guaranteed to look around a home like mine and say, “But what about when you want to sell? Aren’t you worried that your taste will put people off?” I’m not worried about it, mate, more depressed and resigned, but hey, that’s what paint’s for. In the mean time I plan to live here for the foreseeable future and I’d rather live with my taste than yours, not least since you have none. 

*and relax*

So my lovely blogger friend Veronica mentioned that she was doing a What’s On Your Dressing Table? post, and did I fancy doing one, and I thought why the devil not? So to kick off I’ll start by saying I don’t actually like my dressing table very much. Firstly because I used to have a really gorgeous 1930s one, which I was forced to give away when I moved because it was too big for the space. 

(My late dressing table. I can’t believe how little stuff there is on it!)

The other reason I hate my current one is that I didn’t reserve the most perfect - and reasonably priced - Arts and Crafts one I saw first. And I totally could have because the dealers were family friends who would absolutely have agreed to reserve it for the fifteen minutes it took me to get home and measure up. Although I rang them as soon as I had, some geezer had literally walked in off the street and nabbed it five minutes after I left. And because I urgently needed a small, preferably vintage, oak dressing table that would fit, I ended up buying this one. It’s crudely made, had been ravaged by woodworm, and more importantly, wasn’t the other one. To add insult to injury the mirror’s now bust; Not the glass but the bit that holds it together. But anyway...

...this tin, in which I keep necklaces, once contained Sharp’s toffees and came from the Jubilee Market in Covent Garden on antiques day. It looks 30s but it’s a suspiciously 50s palette so I’ve never been quite sure about its age. It was the first present I bought the flat when I moved in because the previous owner really loved baby blue and pastel pink. Because it’s quite shallow it hung on my bathroom wall for a couple of years like a decorative plate, where it looked very fetching with my turquoise bathroom suite. The only thing, incidentally, about the flat’s original decor, which I loved and happily kept.

As you can see, there’s a lot of perspex on my dressing table, and what isn’t perspex is glass. The moulded glass tray was a couple of quid from a chazza, as was the lidded dish, in which I keep my collection of Murano glass rings. 

Most of these came from charity shops too, as did the little china bird.

All my plastic bangles are on a chest of drawers opposite the bed. Only the metal ones live here. The little ceramic ring dish was made by my friend Steve, as was the little blue one on the other side of the dressing table. The perspex box contains Les Néréides brooches and necklaces, all scored in sample or flash sales over the past ten years or so. I bought the blue and gold ceramic brooch on a work trip to Loughborough. I regret I can’t remember the artist’s name and the only clue are the initials B.B on the reverse. My friend Graham bought me the horseshoe bolo tie back in the 80s. Of all the items on my dressing table it’s the oldest and I love that I’m still wearing it. You can just see this little enamel pin leaning against the mirror at the back.

It was the last prezzie my late BFF, Jane, ever sent me so it’s particularly dear to my heart. I will put it in a frame if I ever find one small enough.

This handsome devil is Boz, my first spectacularly handsome and dignified ginger boy. Get a load of the hideous sponged pink walls in the background. It was like sleeping in a summer pudding. Not for nothing was this flat known as Pink And Blue Hell when I first moved in. 

More Les Néréides sample sale bargains. I bought the box in a chazza. The plastic rings are stacked on a cut-out perspex hand. Here’s a close-up of the box on the right, which was a gift from my friend Sarah, who knows I like an aquatically themed item. It looks very much like the 1940s brooches allegedly made from the windows of ex-war planes so I’ve always assumed it was of a similar vintage. It came from the Battersea Antiques Fair many moons ago. There’s yet more plastic bits and bobs inside it.

I love this coaster which was a present from Jayne, my friend in Hastings. There’s another on the chest of drawers beside my bed, which reads “always time for a cuppa”. So true, I find.

Here’s a close up of the detail on the lid of my favourite tin, which cost me a whole 20 pence off a stall at the Hanwell Carnival in the early 90s. Like the toffee tin it contains necklaces.

There are other necklaces in the vicinity. The hook these are hanging on came from the World’s Loveliest Gift Shop (RIP).

Well, that’s pretty much it for the dressing table. Though I wanted to share this chap with you since he lives in my bedroom too...

My Staffordshire ginge! I found him in a Hastings junk shop last summer and he cost me a whole fiver. He’s since been authenticated by an antique dealer friend. I absolutely love him.

Stay tuned for a post about my china cabinet. 

Toodles!

#What's on my dressing table? #Perspex a-go-go

[azureparanoia]

[THE PAINFUL LIFE OF A DELUSIONAL GIRL AT CROSSROADS OF AESTHETICS]

           They say imagination is one of the greatest gifts a human can receive from the God and like every blessing it is nothing but a double edge sword. The whimsical nature of what modern day youths love to abuse, an artist, is a gift of sorts. Do you feel an artist just because you create something? Or are you one simply because you jump off the border of mundane normality? Who is to judge if you are an artist or can you even claim to be one? What is the line between an artist and a decent human normie? Some of those questions hunted me since I was very young. Feeling some kind of disjunction from the rest of my peers, from the adults and youngers I walked fairly boring path of what I wish to become. I drew a lot, I wrote even more and in the feeling of being unusual, I found myself wondering is me feeling different so unique.

           Nowadays when what once was minority and unusualness is what’s hyped and mainstream hurts to those who walked down that road for many years before it became popular. For instance, I am great believer and lover of 90s aesthetics, some modernised touch to it is not bad, but rather than parroting Pinterest, I chose the bits and parts of actual 90s I grew up in and incorporate it into my own image. Funny enough, the conscious choices I make over my own style would be called something along the lines of cowardice and indecisiveness. Because I don’t fully dive into the kitsch of those completely misunderstood years of my youth. In my attempt to redefine myself by the means of picking bits and pieces of certain aesthetics, I am called fake by the mases who cannot come up with their own original approach and only follow the trends blindly.

           Does that mean I am unique? Perhaps, but perhaps also this lack of commitment as it can be identified from bystanders’ point of view is what specifies what kind of aesthetics I crave to create with my own looks. Am I boring? Quite frankly yes, I might not have full confidence due to lack of appropriate figure and perhaps I do hold back in those attempts to showcase my own style. However, for one reason or another, I would rather hold back and slowly discover myself and the road I decide to take rather than blindly and with no understanding follow masses. It is much nicer for my eyes to see more grunge or old school designs all around, sadly, knowing the modern society I feel like these have no deeper meaning behind it and it is nothing but façade to match up with the background.

           How does it correspond to arts? I have been writing for about 20 years now, I took breaks more often than created, leave alone published something and by publish, I mean online of course. I hated and still hate all of my work, but gaining slightly more confidence, or simply learning to care less, I chose to share with the world how much of a crap I can create. I, by no means, am not an artist although I do share one’s extremely self-satisfactory and needy attitude towards life. In short, I need people to see my creation and whether they crave more of it or reject it completely, I simply cannot stop. It also corresponds to me writing whenever I feel like it, not when I see demand for it. The gift to move someone with my own words is undoubtfully a fruitless dream that even massive authors struggle with. Just because your text sells, does not mean you are worth the title and just because you’re unknown to anyone does not mean you cannot hold one.

           In the end, it comes down to how you wish to express yourself or more like, how you want to be seen by others. For me calling myself an artist would be nothing but pretentious flex, I would rather avoid. Then again, being faced with it and denying it would also make me sound pompous or even ego centrical, fishing for those “Oh no, you’re so talented” compliments. In either of those scenarios, I would not feel myself to be myself but something that my image demands of me. Then again, what am I even? That is something I still fail to define and with every line of each hated piece I create, I wonder. Writing, reading, writing more, rereading, editing, fixing, deleting, adding, moving on, going back, writing, reading, rewriting and so forth. My life contains of boring daily routines and those writer spikes that hit me like a fucking bolt form a blue, when I cannot live, breath or even function if I do not put those words down. Just like right now, I know it will flop and no one will pay attention to it, but oh damn, I could have not done it differently. This is what you could consider “an artist attitude”, while although it sounds all nice and edgy which I would love to go for, the very same edgy and stubborn attitude I showcase would never allow me to admit it.

           Do I feel like an artist? Hell no. But would I love to be in position when I can openly say I am one? Definitely no. Thus, at the same time wanting to be something different than the rest of the masses and desire to keep this image I have craved into my skin over the years is making me unable to define myself still being very strict at how I want to express myself. At this point my toaster brains are already shredded into pieces of unreadable scrawls flying on the soft breeze of an easy choices I wish I was bright enough to make. This is just a pure ridiculousness of modern times. When I was younger because being different wasn’t cool or anything, I felt like fish in the water of my own loneliness and by no means it was a happy life, but I felt confident in what I was. Now, when it’s so popular to have depression, be sad bean that likes nerdy things, my emo side kicks in and almost screams that I cannot be like that anymore.

           When I was growing up and slowly discovered my sexuality, not going one-way ticket only, but being totally interested in anyone that was human, despite genders, ages etc, was hell’s porch, because if felt like I was not supposed to be like this. Strangely enough, I felt better about it then as it worked well with my selfish self-proclaimed uniqueness rather than now when it is just as popular as watching anime. And I am not saying there is anything wrong about it, I just do not feel included in those openly open minor groups that are no longer minorities and stormed the social medias with their colourfulness. I no longer feel confident in my own skin, because of how something which once was so unusual you can now see around every corner. I feel like I’ve been stripped of my own integrity because of how popular pro-LGBTQ+ is right now and I watch those young people and whenever I wish to be happy with them over their pride and courage at the back of my head I keep wondering “Are you for real or is it just because it’s popular now?”

           And here I sit alone in my room, completely hopeless, as I not only no longer have what defined me as unique human being, but also don’t feel welcomed into the minority I should feel so connected to. Because I’m not colourful enough? Because I’m not over the top enough? Because I’m too normal? I am just a boring girl, living my life, not hiding anymore in the closet, but not screaming at the world with “I AM BISEXUAL, HAIL TO MY UNIQUENESS!”. That way, I do not feel either part of stereotypical heterosexual society, nor part of the new rainbow movement. I feel like I am standing between those two fractions with no place of my own. I still remember that Queer was supposed to be “we do not label anyone”, but it’s the most labelling shit ever from my perspective as it completely cuts out people like myself. For instance, I am bisexual, but I do not feel queer because of how it is advocated.

Finally, I realise that I am not part of anything. I am not an artist, because claiming so would mess up my image and I’m not that talented either. I do not feel part of LGBTQ+ community because I am too normal for this. I do not feel part of geeks or nerds because I do not find all geeky/nerdy shit that interesting. If I think about it from outsider’s perspective, I could say that sure makes me quite unique in comparison to modern time young adults, but does it? Just like with my style, I chose bits and pieces of minorities and majorities that suit me and feel right with my aesthetics, but does that mean I am different or does it mean I am just fake and half-assed at everything? I will never know, but there is something both tormenting and fun about this crossroads I stand at and perhaps one day I will choose one way, one mass to follow or just sit here alone and watch it all burn. This is fine.

#rant #article #art #fashion #style #90s #lbgtq #yolo #hurt #feelings #emotions #not part of anything #not part of story #sad life #emo #lost in 90s #lost in modern day #modernity #real life #diary

[loubabykitten]

FICS OF THE WEEK

Fantasies in five (169k, chaptered) - college/university au

The boy pauses before he drops the envelope into the chute, turning to look at Louis, and Louis’ pretty sure this boy’s goal is to make everything weirder and more uncomfortable than it already is.

“Good luck to you,” he says nicely, a single dimple appearing in his cheek.

Louis drops his envelope down the chute without another thought before patting the boy on the shoulder.  “I’d tell you the same, but then I’d be lying,” he says easily, before moving towards the exit door and pushing it open.

 During critical points in their lives, it's easy for Louis and Harry to find comfort in one another—that is, until it becomes extremely hard.

Fate don't know you (98k, chaptered) - student/teacher au, bad boy!harry, teacher!louis

by @downgoesanotherhero

“Just. How bad is it?”

Zayn sighs. Shit.

“Not that bad, really,” he says quickly as he scans Louis’ face. “It depends, really. The freshmen are all right and I think you’ll manage just fine with the sophomores.”

“But?”

“Seniors are always shit because they think they rule the school, and this specific class of juniors… Well, let’s say you’ll find a real troublemaker there. Some say he used to be a soft kid, but- I don’t know. Most teachers just leave him alone.”  Zayn shrugs. “He walks around with a tough crowd. Guess no one wants to take their chances with him. This is Chicago after all.”

“D’you know the name of the kid?” Louis asks, already very curious to meet said person.

“His name is Harry Styles.” The other man responds. “You’re in for a treat with this one.”

[Or: The one in which Louis always hears thunder when Harry speaks and sees lightning when he glances at him.]

Safe and sound (you'll always be) (58k, chaptered) - singer!louis, bodyguard!harry

When a failed case and a guilty conscience leaves Harry more than a little lost, his boss presents him with a new, less taxing assignment to help him cope. An escape from all the madness is just what Harry needs to get his life back on track. It's just too bad his new client has a grin like the devil, a pair of electric eyes that Harry simply can't get over, and no intention whatsoever of letting him catch a break.

Maybe if I got my timing right (30k, one shot) 

by @missandrogyny

Louis is aware, of course, that this all makes him sound like the heroine from Twilight, but it’s just. It’s been three years, that’s all. Three years and not once does Louis think that he’s moved on, not once has he met someone who made him feel how Zayn did. Who made his heart race with excitement, with euphoria. Who made him feel high without drugs, like he was walking around on a cloud. Who made Louis feel everything—all the highs and the lows—with startling, vivid clarity.

Which means that there must be some merit to his feelings, considering that it’s been three years and they’ve just consistently been…there. Unchanging. Unwavering.

And whereas before he could ignore them, pretend they weren’t there, he can’t now because Zayn’s getting fucking married. He’s getting hitched. He’s entering into a lifelong commitment with another person, one that’s going to kill all of Louis’ hopes with Zayn and probably his last, only shot at love.

So there really is no choice. Louis has to stop the wedding, confess to Zayn, and ultimately win Zayn back.

(Or: AU where Zayn is getting married to someone that isn't Louis, and Louis enlists Harry's help to stop the wedding.)

Pour your heart out (92k, chaptered) - soulmates au

by @hrrytomlinson

Louis is his soulmate. Or at least Harry thinks he is. Louis feels the same as

Louis

. But there are a lot of people named Louis in the world and this Louis might not be the

Louis

. It’s besides the point though, because Harry knows he can’t allow himself to get close to any boys. He just can’t and he’s told himself this multiple times. He has to simply stay away from Louis Tomlinson. But he can’t. Harry Styles can never stay away from Louis Tomlinson. It’s physically impossible for him to.

Deuxshpere (156k, chaptered) - college/university au, rich!harry

The way the vines of the rose curled around the sharp straightness of the dagger was an image that was going to be forever embedded into his mind.  The longer Harry craned his neck to look at it in the mirror, the more he realized—it was fucking creepy.  He couldn’t for the life of him figure out why it was there, or why humans decided to make it mean something.

 Harry's first year at uni is guaranteed to be a breeze as long as he stays focused, steers clear of flying footballs, and completely avoids boys who are in bands.

Bring out feelings in me I never show (24k, chaptered) 

“I really think you should stop reading,” Liam says, having moved to hover behind Louis’ back at some point. “I can already see the cogs turning in your head, Louis, and I don’t like this.”

“Shut up,” Louis waves him off and continues reading.

 I can do these things, at your request: openly hit on other female guests while you act like you don’t notice; start instigative discussions about politics and/or religion; propose to you in front of everyone; pretend to be really drunk as the evening goes on (sorry I don’t drink, but I used to); start an actual, physical fight with a family member, either inside or on the front lawn for all the neighbors to see. 

Three French hems (20k, one shot) - designer!louis

In which Louis is a designer at Burberry and Harry spends December wearing Lanvin… and Lanvin… and Lanvin.

Empty gold (148k, chaptered) - performing arts school/university au

AU where Louis Tomlinson attends the vigorous, demanding performing arts school: Guildhall in hopes to complete his theatre degree. He is a scholarship student, always having to work twice as hard to prove his worth which has caused him to feel resentment and anger towards his subordinate position.

Harry Styles is the wealthy, naturally gifted actor who effortlessly snatches all the main roles within the class. The complete contrast to everything Louis is.

Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles have had bad blood and despised each other for the two years they attended Guildhall together, making each task a competition between each other.

In the final year, when Guildhall produces and performs an original play, Louis is heartbroken to learn the lead role has been been received to Harry and he's the second role. He's mostly terrified, however, when he realises he has to date Harry in the play as their characters. They come together through awkward stage kisses that transforms to hate sex, heated arguments, rehearsal times after lectures and baking carrot cake together.

The melody you never heard (30k, one shot) 

by @anylessreal

It's one last adventure. One last chance to be young and carefree. One final weekend before they take up their internships, their corporate positions, before they enter the real world, fresh out of university. Niall's his best mate. Liam's been there for him since they were lost, little freshmen, trying to find their ways through an overwhelming first year. Harry can't disappoint them, even if it means enduring four days with Louis.

 Louis, who he does share a history with, a history he's never told anyone about, not even Niall, a history he hasn't brought up in three years because it's stupid and embarrassing and confusing.

Or, the one where Harry gets roped into a four-day camping trip with the boy who kissed him and never called back.

#larry #larry stylinson #larry fic #fic rec #first of 2019 #larry au #larry smut #larry fluff #larry angst #louis tomlinson fanfiction #harry styles fanfiction #enjoy

[crusherthedoctor]

Sonic Villains: Sweet or Shite? - Part 7: METAL SONIC

It's been a while, but it's time for another Crusher review and analysis.

There are some villains I like. And there are some villains I don't like. But why do I feel about them the way I do? That's where this comes in.

This is a series of mine in which I go into slightly more detail about my thoughts on the villains in the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise, and why I think they either work well, or fall flat (or somewhere in-between). I'll be giving my stance on their designs, their personalities, and what they had to show for themselves in the game(s) they featured in. Keep in mind that these are just my own personal thoughts. Whether you agree or disagree, feel free to share your own thoughts and opinions! I don't bite. :>

Anyhow, for today's installment, we'll be putting the Stardust Speedway saxophones aside for a moment to discuss Dr. Eggman's notorious robotic copycat, who desperately wants to show us what he's made of: Metal Sonic.

NOTE: While I will be taking several of Metal Sonic's non-game portrayals into account, this will NOT include his Sonic the Comic incarnation, as I feel that Fleetway's Metal - or Metallix, as he's called - is so vastly different in so many ways that I feel there's no point, whereas his other portrayals in non-game media are considerably more consistent for the most part.

The Gist: Being a criminal mastermind slash world conquerer in the making has its shortcomings, and for Dr. Eggman/Dr. Robotnik/The Bad Guy, that shortcoming came in the form of a plush-sized hedgehog who frequently wrecked his machines, foiled his plans, and - worst of all - talked back at him. This literal thorn on his side made the good doctor a very unhappy camper, but one day, his brilliant brain brought a brilliant breakthrough: Why not pit Sonic against himself?

During his then-new scheme to use the Time Stones of the Little Planet to conquer the world through time, Eggman worked tirelessly on his new idea to ensure it was just right. It couldn't be too slow. It couldn't be too bulky. It couldn't be too un-Sonic-like, for he vowed to assert his technological dominance by making a better Sonic than the real one. He wanted this to be his greatest creation yet, and he wasn't going to half-ass that objective.

The result was Metal Sonic, a marvel of industrial automation who established himself as fast as Sonic, as deadly as Sonic, and... not talkative, unlike Sonic. No wonder Eggman declared him the superior of the two.

Eggman loves his creation so much that he’s willing to let him die if this goes wrong. That’s how you know he’s his favourite.

Sure enough, Eggman's efforts were not entirely in vain, as the blue droid was more than a match for Sonic in the speed department, as well as the "What's the best way to make it clear to Amy Rose that I'm not interested?" department via snatching up Sonic's pink hedgehog acquaintance, leaving her as the doctor's captive. Unfortunately however, despite giving Sonic the race of his life, Metal was not yet as quick in his reflexes as the genuine article was, meaning his initial reign of terror came to an abrupt end when he flew head-first into a wall, George of the Jungle-style. Eggman was devastated, except he wasn't, because he knew he could just rebuild and upgrade him. Which he did. Constantly.

He also rebuilt these guys for some reason.

Since his debut in Sonic CD, Metal has went on to appear in a sizable number of games throughout the years, and he's made some personal appearances in a few other continuities as well. Most of these appearances simply have him show up, attack Sonic and other heroes for a bit, then get his ass handed to him. Some of those ass-kickings even came with a tasty amount of hue hues. But every now and then, they'll have him do something more, the most famous example being Sonic Heroes, in which he took over Eggman's army by force and went on his own little crusade to gain everyone's data and become Metal GodJesus, all the while proving himself the real Sonic the Hedgehog... by doing a lot of things the real Sonic the Hedgehog would never do. (This general concept would reappear in the IDW comics, though he did not betray Eggman that time around.)

Overall though, Metal is generally considered to be a welcome face whenever he makes an appearance... when he’s not dreaded for being the biggest roadblock in Fighters.

“Well that’s the end of the playthrough, make sure to like, comment, subscribe.”

The Design: What is there to say about Metal Sonic’s design? It’s cool, it’s ominous, it’s sleek, it’s stylish, and it holds a palpable aura of dangerous badassitude while still fitting perfectly with the design philosophy of this franchise. Truly, Metal’s design alone makes him one of the all-time greats of the Eggman repertoire, and it's easy to see why the scientist is particularly proud of this one.

He’s the robot your robot could crash into a wall like.

He’s had a few transformations over the years though. In Knuckles Chaotix, he turned into a ginormous monstrosity commonly referred to by fans as Metal Sonic Kai, who terrified many juniors back in the day due to making the inexcusable error of not being blue. The bad ending might have also affected them.

E for Everyone.

Luckily, Classic Metal got the right idea two decades later, and kept his blue colour scheme when the Phantom Ruby brought the form back in Sonic Mania Plus. As for Modern Metal, he had a brief life (or lives, if you count IDW) as Neo Metal Sonic, who - despite being made with the intention to be a darker, cooler, more serious iteration of the character - went the complete opposite direction by looking less like a frightening metal monarch, and more like a shonen anime’s midnight seizure.

Look at this fucking thing.

Elf shoes. Ripped skirt. Starfish haircut. Vaguely phallic strap in the appropriate area. Regular Metal may have a semi-cutesy look even in his more dangerous iterations, but at least he doesn't come off as a compensating son who doesn't quite know how to come out to his judgemental father, which is more than I can say for whatever the hell this is supposed to be. Is this really meant to be a more intimidating design? A more badass design...?

Then, as if this wasn’t ridiculous enough for Metal already, they had him transform even further into MechaGodzilla Metal Overlord, a goliath made from the remains of the Egg Fleet, with a side order of spikes and artist’s regret.

"Sonic, I was created for the sole purpose of destroying you... but I can never seem to defeat you... That is why I purchased Freddie Mercury's wardrobe with my own hands!"

Said form also returned in the IDW comic, rechristened Master Overlord, who traded the clawed wings and the flamethrower in exchange for symmetrical hands and a more simplistic body structure, at the expense of looking even more like a children’s toy.

Needless to say, Metal's had some... interesting transformations over the years. But his original look will always remain iconic, and rightly so.

The Personality: Metal Sonic's personality is harder to specify compared to other characters in the series, because his kill-first ask-later demeanour in tandem with his usual muteness means we see him most of the time as little more than a Sonic-shaped extension of Eggman's will. That said however, there have been deeper glimpses here and there into what makes his mechanical mind tick.

The most obvious thing to note is that Metal holds the very un-Sonic trait of not having time for nonsense. Sure, he might not be above taunting his organic counterpart in a likeminded way occasionally, but that aside, he's generally a pretty serious and humorless individual, a stark contrast to his creator and master that nonetheless works in the latter's favor, as the realisation that the goofy manchild Eggman of all people made this thing helps shoot down the myth that the rotund madman is all talk.

"He's behind you!" "Shut it wee man, this is a serious play."

Then there's his insanity, by means of identity crisis. It's not known if this was something that was there from the beginning, or if it's somethng that developed and worsened with each defeat, but at some point in his life, Metal convinced himself that despite literally being made with the intention of exterminating the actual Sonic, he himself was in fact the actual Sonic, and that the actual actual Sonic that already existed prior to his inception was in fact the actual Not-Sonic (or a faker, as would be used to describe a certain other lookalike). This belief has caused him to do a bunch of crazy stuff of dubious logic, and don't try to question him on his reasoning, lest you want him to cut you open like a Terry's Chocolate Orange.

His relationship with Eggman is something of an enigma. While his teenage phase betrayal in Heroes is probably the most mainstream evidence of how he feels about his master, it's easy to forget that this was the exception, not the rule. In nearly every other appearance before and since then, Metal has shown nothing but stone cold loyalty towards the doctor and his cause. Even in IDW, when he regained his Neo form and basically did everything he could to remind everyone that Heroes was a thing that existed, he did it that time around for the purpose of finding his master, and helping to restore his empire. A far cry from Neo's first attempt, when he was ranting and raving about how he should have the empire.

Thus, I can only conclude that while his Sonic-esque AI may cause him to get a little reckless, he remains genuinely devoted to his creator outside of his brief cocaine rush in Heroes... and Free Riders, but I don't think anyone knew what was going on in that one. I don't think he knew what was going on in that one.

But perhaps most surprisingly of all - according to the OVA at least - despite all his black-hearted ways, he is still capable of good, as evidenced when he saved the President and the legendary Old Man Owl from dying a fiery death. Whether it's an inherent part of his own nature, or whether it's a side-effect of his Sonic programming, isn't fully clear... but either way, he might want to make sure Eggman doesn't find out about it.

The Execution: Metal Sonic's execution is a complicated case, because there's a dissonance between when he's merely an obstacle for the good guys, and when they've tried to make him more than that.

When he's merely Eggman's instrument of evildoing, he does the job nicely. Sometimes his appearances can be underwhelming depending on the game (read: Sonic 4), but he usually provides a memorable scuffle when it's time for him to put up his dukes. Even if half of those are actually races.

When he aims for bigger, on the other hand? Well...

I've already joked about Neo Metal Sonic's design, but don't be fooled, for his ridiculous fashion sense is merely one part of my beef with the overall concept of Neo. Simply put, everything about Neo Metal Sonic goes against everything that makes this particular character work.

Ranting, monologuing, and running his mouth off does not work for Metal Sonic.

Gathering everyone's data with the intention of becoming Metal Everyone does not work for Metal Sonic.

Transforming into a goddamn dragon does not work for Metal Sonic. (I can let Metal Sonic Kai slide since despite being bigger and more monstrous, you can still recognise it as Metal Sonic specifically. Colour scheme aside, Metal Overlord/Master Overlord might as well be a random monster entirely.)

These ideas aren't necessarily bad on their own. They could work for another villain, or another Eggman minion. But for Metal Sonic specifically? It just doesn't work at all, and while some may be willing to handwave it as the result of Metal's insanity, I firmly believe it's more than possible to establish and delve into his inner madness in ways that DON'T contradict almost everything about him. A character being insane is not an excuse for turning them into a completely different character altogether, nor is it an excuse for just plain handling them in a shitty manner. By all means, I'm all for giving Metal a bigger role, and I'm all for expanding his character and his dynamic... just not like this.

Metal doesn't need to do all that in order to be effective and leave an impression. His portrayal in the OVA confirms that. OVA Metal was everything that Metal was known for at the time: straightforward, loyal, and silent, bar one line towards the end. And he still managed to be a very intriguing antagonist who served as a believably major threat, and who gave Sonic the fight of his life, and thus earned the hedgehog's disgruntled ire and his begrudging respect. That is the Metal that writers should aspire to. That is the essence of what makes that character.

So, despite everything, I still highly enjoy Metal Sonic when he's Metal Sonic, and not Something Vaguely Shaped Like Metal Sonic. He's stumbled a bit over the years, but when he's done right, he's always an eventful burst of fun, and ultimately, my fondness for those portrayals overrides my disgust towards elf shoes. And I'd love to see them expand on his dynamic with Eggman, which a certain well-liked series of shorts has thankfully given us a small taste of. Here's hoping the future will follow up on it...

“Now, if you may be so generous, hand over the Emerald slowly, or else I'm afraid your little friend will face the consequen-ooooowwwww my FUCKING wrist.”

Crusher Gives Metal Sonic a: Thumbs Up! (and Neo Metal Sonic a: Thumbs Down!)

#Sonic Villains: Sweet or Shite? #Opinion #Sonic the Hedgehog #Metal Sonic #Neo Metal Sonic

[artcanary]

1-50

oh my god dude 

im gonna put this under a cut bc this is a lot. this is a ride, have fun i guess

1. Your first OC ever?god. its got to be Super Kitty. when i was like … an incredibly small child I used to draw comic strips about this feline caped crusader, who was friends with everyone in the city, and the comics always involved him stopping an evil banana man from stealing money from the local bank. He was paid with donuts for his service to the city. i still remember how to draw him. 

2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs?i’d get arrested if I didn’t answer this with Bronze, probably… but really, they’re very important to me

3. Have you ever adopted a character or gotten a character from someone else?man, i cant remember! i really dont think i have… P:

4. A character you rarely talk about?there’s loads of characters ive never even posted a single picture of on tumblr, i wouldnt even know where to start asdf

5. If you could make only one of your OCs popular/known, who would it be? bronze is the easy answer, but… i guess that could also go to Servant or Westrin. Servant has a comic project in the works that basically stars him, sort of a series of one-shots about the things he’s experienced, i feel like that would be a good thing to take off and run with. Westrin’s just fun as hell, i love the guy.

6. Two OCs of yours that look alike despite not being related?real talk now… there’s at least five different characters that i refer to as a whole as “bronze-tangential”, who started out as, “what would bronze be like if they were in this world?” and then becoming their own thing within said world because i just get stupid attached 

its an epidemic

7. Are your OCs part of any story or stories?nearly all of them, actually. that’s the main reason i make characters, after all! too many to really go into specifics here, again P: 

8. Do you RP as any of your OCs? If you do, introduce one of your RP OCs here!not often, but i think Bronze and Westrin are the most common ones. unless playing a character in dnd, or running an npc in dnd counts… then a whole lot more hahaha

9. Would you ever be willing to give any of your OCs to someone else?it depends on the circumstances. i don’t really like the idea, though. 

10. Introduce an OC with a complicated design? Westrin’s old getup is a pain to draw, and there was one other design i did that I cant find anywhere… whichever way, i dont often tend to draw super complicated things often 

a couple fakemon ive designed though… heheh those can get pretty finicky

11. Is there any OC of yours you could describe as a “sunshine”? hmmmmmmmm my immediate thought was Eric Silverdale from a comic i was working on a few years ago. hes a darling, i want him to be my friend irl

12. Name an OC that isn’t yours but who you like a lothow could you do this to me i love each and every one of all my friends ocs GOD the first one who comes to mind is @d20-official‘s Smith, whos Bronze’s friend… everyone in that DND party actually

13. Do you have any troublemaker OCs? Rated on a scale from “harmless” to “honestly somewhat frightening”: -Baromet (charming and quite friendly but definitely a kleptomaniac),-Westrin (demigod of bards and travelers), -XEN09 (a nonsense hacker), -Conny (needlessly contrarian and dumb as HELL), -Enza Colie (long fucking story but hes a good-for-nothing), -Hemlocke (mad scientist, chaotic evil), -Iris (AI and hacker, VERY bad), -The Terminus (glitch-in-the-matrix demon, chaotic evil), -and Sydd (the Queen of the Faeries, hopefully the danger there needs no explaining :’D)

14. Introduce an OC with a tragic backstory Mmm… there’s a few of them, most obviously Lent (whose background I did a short comic about). Basically his entire town got eaten by ghosts and turned into zombies, he only barely survived with a sliver of his soul left. 

15. Do you like to talk about your OCs with other people?yes, i often discuss storylines and such with friends

16. Which one of your OCs would be the best at biology (school subject)? Probably Bronze’s dad! I don’t talk about him much, but his name’s Devon Reed, and he was a biotech developer specialising in android design. 

I often describe him as being something of a reverse Arthur Weasley - a very fatherly scientist fascinated to the moon and back with the concept of magic. 

17. Any OC OTPs? having trouble thinking of a lot of them right now, but there’s Eric + Lent & Naiadine + Tailias from Emerald Sigil, Avken + Baromet from my space campaign world, Sydd + Wyvv from my unnamed campaign world, and I’ve been considering Westrin + Servant as an interesting dynamic in Servant’s story

18. Any OC crackships? My character Bismuth and @autistictimeknight​‘s oc Eros. Theyre so fucking in love, I love it. Its been awhile but I do still think about them sometimes.

As I recall, Eros is an empath, she can read other people’s emotions. But Bismuth is a robot, and Eros can’t read her. Because of this Eros can let go of her fear of unintentionally manipulating the emotions of her date, which would hold her back from most other relationships. 

19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why)Hey, meet Bronze! I definitely do not talk about them every five minutes, why would you say that. 

Bronze was with me through two of the hardest years of my life so far, and being a DND character they grew with me, both as a fighter and as a person. They were non-binary before I started using those pronouns, they were the first character or person or anything who I fought someone about using the right pronouns for, they make a great icebreaker for if I want to see how someone reacts to non-binary pronouns … 

One funny anecdote about Bronze is that when I first made them, their “gimmick” was that they would sometimes glitch out and mess up their speech, mostly because I wanted an excuse not to engage in the roleplaying (which I was very bad at). The interesting thing is that as I got better at interacting with the group, we both grew out of needing it very quickly. 

I’m very proud of Bronze. 

20. Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)?Westrin is a bard! His singing voice sounds like Bill Wurtz and these are his theme songs.

21. Your most artistic OCProbably Westrin again, he writes a lot of songs… and Hallux is a game designer?

22. Is there any OC of yours people tend to mischaracterize? If yes, how? I honestly dont know… no-one talks to me about them, haha! 

people use all manner of pronouns for bronze, though. 

23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like?I’m gonna go with Enza for this one. Enza Colie was originally written entirely because I wanted an antagonist for a short starring his sister, Jane Colie. But the more I fleshed out his reasonings for acting how he did and explored his character, the more I realised he’d make an even more interesting character if allowed to have a redemption arc, too. 

I just want to state for the record that I was very reluctant to the idea, and he basically dragged his way out of the villain pit entirely of his own accord. I am dubiously proud of him, and also a bit scared. 

24. If you could meet one OC of yours, who would it be and why?Probably either Eric (Big Man, Best Friend), Crocus (Mother figure), Reed (Father Figure), Westrin (hed just make a good friend u kno??), or Bismuth (she makes good conversation!)

25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?)probably the homestuck fan-troll Hallux, but that’s mostly because they were based on a troll-sona I made awhile ago. They’re a hope/prospit game designer who is small and full of rage and love

oh, and there’s dave! dave’s a superhero speedster, existing in a modern-day superhero version of seattle. theyre idiot, just like me,

26. Have you ever had to change your OC’s design or something else about them against your will? this is an interesting one… i don’t think ive ever had something Bad in a design ive done called to my attention by someone, but I did create my character Servant at around the same time I was first really expanding the diversity of my casts. (since i don’t talk about him often, a little context: he’s a magic spirit creature bound to human form to serve the royal family of the land and follow their orders.) 

somehow, younger-and-more-stupid me managed to have the revelation that making this “eternal slave” character literally anything other than a white man, especially as a white author, would be Pretty Not Good. im … thats really, really not something i should pat myself on the back for, but i do consider it one of the biggest bullets dodged in my artistic career so far that i realised that not all representation is good representation so quickly, before i could make that incredibly, incurably stupid mistake. 

after that, trying to make sure my characters and their presentations don’t harm anyone pretty much has become a paranoia. i don’t seem to have stepped on any toes yet, but when it inevitably happens, please let me know - i didnt know, and i want to fix it! 

27. Any OCs that were inspired by a certain song? None that I can think of, actually! I don’t really do that often. 

28. Your most dangerous OC? god damn it i have no idea!!! is it the terminus? glitch in the matrix god of chaos motherfucker?is it sarle? terrifying calculating scientist with the power of the soul at her fingertips ??? is it ares??? is it athena????? is it petra?????? the gatekeeper???? 

… actually, the gatekeeper might be it, if “dangerous” just refers to “the amount of raw power it can wield”. the Gatekeeper is a titanic entity that exists in interdimensional multiverse space, and its implied to have the ability to create and destroy entire universe bubbles at will. for what cosmic purpose, no-one knows. 

at a more personal scale, though, literally all of the aforementioned characters are pretty bad to run into too. 

29. Which one of your OCs would go investigate an abandoned house at night without telling anyone they’re going?god. Mina or Tawn. Tawn is the Indiana Jonesy type and probably dumb enough, but also competent enough not to get into too much trouble there. Mina would probably drag her friends along. 

30. Which one of your OCs would most likely have a secret stuffed animal collection? XEN09. No-one knows, because no-one knows xir personal identity. Xe absolutely does, though. It’s less of a secret if you know xir in person, but good luck finding out about it otherwise. 

31. Pick one OC of yours and explain what their tumblr blog would be like (what they reblog, layout, anything really)dave just reblogs memes all the time tbh. they like to keep tabs on the ridiculous superhero news going on, and they show human jokes and cat videos to their alien gf. they dont really post or add to posts, but they talk in tags a lot. 

32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why? i want to say tawn because i literally just realised ive been imagining their voice as sounding like luigi this entire fucking time and i never realised until this exact instant

33. Your shyest OC?probably baromet. they prefer to keep to themself in their hideout, with their collection of shiny things. they don’t really enjoy trying to communicate much, mostly because they expect to get yelled at. 

34. Do you have any twin characters?Yes! At least two sets; 

- Crocus and Sarle. (x) (x) They don’t exactly have a very well-developed relationship, but they are both quite important to the plot of my campaign world, and they are both very interesting. Crocus is a motherly figure who just exudes friendliness, while Sarle is .. very much not that, a researcher studying very gruesome things and pushing the boundaries of reality. 

- Jane and Enza Colie. I haven’t talked a whole lot about either of them here, but I’d rather leave their story to do the talking whenever I get around to it. Essentially, the both of them were intended to do the dirty work for their crime boss family, but Jane ditched to study medicine. Most of the conflict between the two of them comes out of Enza not understanding why she made the choice she did, and coming to understand how he’s been manipulated. 

35. Any sibling characters? I can’t really think of any off the top of my head, I should … I should really work on that. 

I can talk about Westrin, though. Westrin (a demigod of many things, but namely bards, travel, travelers, and people who are lost) often becomes close friends with mortals, sometimes practically adopting them. These people who consider him family, and people who have received his blessing, are able to use his surname, Brilanta, as their own if they choose. So I guess all of the Brilantas are siblings, at least in spirit. 

Oh, and XEN09 has like, seven siblings. Xe is the second-oldest, and least remarkable. 

36. Do you have OC pairs where the other part belongs to someone else (siblings, lovers, friends etc)? I already talked about Eros and Bismuth up there a ways in question 18, but I’ll talk about another relationship here. @autistictimeknight​‘s character, Nova the Alchemist, is mentor and adopted parental figure to my character Munna. Munna … Munna isn’t a very good apprentice. She tries very hard. 

37. Introduce an OC who is not quite human That’s most of them, I’m not quite sure what to say here. Bronze is an android? Bronze again? Westrin? All the aliens ?? 

38. Which one of your OCs would be the best dancer? man. uh. westrin or jean. or perhaps valencia. 

39. Introduce any character you want ??? uhhhHHHhhHHH Lord Brillium is the reigning deity of the Cloud Kingdoms in the other campaign setting I’m working on. They represent light and the quest for knowledge, and spend most of their days in the Cathedral Observatory watching the stars. 

40. Any fond memories linked to your characters? Feel free to share!one time bronze flew a hover-bike through the stained glass window in a cathedral blaring all star by smash mouth on their iguana

also one time bronze rickrolled a rakshasa demon and then pulled updog on it like, two minutes later

another time bronze scared off an entire army by pretending to be an automated security system 

41. Has anyone drawn fanart of your OCs? If yes, maybe show a picture or two here (remember sources & permissions!)ive got a whole little folder on here from all you blessed people !!!! right now ive got a drawing quinn did of one o fmy characters as my lockscreen

but i think the one i’ll really never ever get over is this piece of Jane, by @rabendraws​ / @owoltron​: 

(i bet you thought i forgot about this, dude. dude. think again.) 

42. Which one of your OCs would be the most interested in Greek gods? this is kind of a weird question, m, I feel like Bismuth would find learning about the mythos utterly fascinating, as would Tawn. 

43. Do you have any certain type when you create your OCs? Do you tend to favour some certain traits or looks? It’s time to confesshaha. uh. i might. 

aside from the entire “bronze-tangential characters” thing i mentioned awhile back, I tend to really like designing characters with hair color lighter than their skin color. it just looks so cool man. i love drawing freckles but dont put them on enough characters. i like really curly hair, but also really long and flowy hair. i like drawing triangular body types, and pointy/prominent noses. 

44. Something you like about your OCs in generaluhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is a really vague question. m. m. 

45. A character you no longer use?there’s old versions of characters, but a lot of my older ones have been somehow repurposed. I guess there’s Turien, my first-ever DND character, who’s just kind of sitting dead now. Haven’t really done anything with him other than a pretty recent tangential character. 

46. Has anyone ever told you that you treat your OCs badly?Not that I can think of.

47. Has anyone ever (friendly) claimed any of your OCs as their child? Im certain it’s happened, but I can’t remember any specific instances. 

48. OC who is a perfect cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pureSpring. spring knows nothing of th dangers of the world who is letting them into fights someon eneeds to stop this

(spring roll, hehe.) 

49. Which one of your OCs would most likely enjoy memesim not sure what this question is asking since many of my ocs actively enjoy memes including but not limited to westrin, dave, bronze, xen09, iris, and doctor archersen

50. Give me the good ol’ OC talk here. Talk about anything you wanti think. i think im going to pass on this one. i gave you the good old oc talk. your damn turn, yall: 

if you have any questions about any of these guys feel free to shoot one at me!

thats all from me im tired and its one am. techskylander you absolute madman 

#yetanotherOCmeme #WHY #personal