#and miscarried several times

[love-to-love-puppies]

.

#just had a strange dream #actually not all that strange and could easily be a reality if I'm not careful #in the dream my sister was desperately trying to get pregnant and I was desperately praying I wasn't #the dream ended before the test showed if I was or not but dream me was already making plans to get an abortion #I have never had and desire to be pregnant or have a baby #irl my sister has had a hard time getting pregnant. they're not actively trying but her husband doesn't like condoms #so she's gotten pregnant a few times #and miscarried several times #and that's tragic and I feel for her #but if I wound up unwittingly pregnant I would still make sure my family never found out and I'd get rid of it #I know my sister would probably pay me out the ass for the baby #but I don't want to sacrifice my body and potentially my life for her #the idea of being pregnant and giving birth is horrifying to me #besides my sister won't be a good mom especially if it wasn't hers #she's a wannabe influencer and any children she has will be props to make her look good #she and her husband are far too selfish and emotionally immature to give a kid the emotional support they'd need #and I wouldn't put any child of mine through that #I woke up with only one thought: that I need to get an IUD before they wind up banned across the US #I'm afraid of how much it will hurt because I've heard some horror stories but I'm terrified of getting pregnant more #tbh I'd get sterilized if I could

[gurorori]

heres a random assortment of dddne 🪦🕊️ from m y head uhh its jus 2 actually. im violently ill

#its really nothin special ijus think bpdpd mika codependent double suicide cause he both refuses to die without his lover n doesn want em to #keep livin without him n move on from him #n als cause hr doesn wanna die by any other means dat r nawt Their hands #sorry this is a hundred percent inspired by me jackin off to my arms bein cut up by my partner #i want em cut to the bone n dig the knife in n sever as many veins i wanna bleed out in minutes i donno #2 bpdpd mika returns but instead its him bein Dangerously touh starved also ik i usually default to shmk but also like #au (ig?) where mika is So unhealthily attached he cannot keeo a relationship Diagnosis too fucked up so shu ends up leavin him & no one #else wants his lil ass so he resorts to free use esque shit i think he wud swipe right on Anyone desperate to get #any kinr of attention or company but also i wud think he'd really b into the absolute freaks he'd meet on there & he'd try to meet up with #a bunch of em at once @ the same location. yanno wat happens next! #but its nawt sad or tragic its all accordin to his keikaku of gettin absolutely DESTROYED cause wat else is the ultimate manifestation of #attention n love love love #gawddddd i need 2 get r@@@d again so i shut up abt this #idk my own insanity aside i think mika absolutely wud use sex as a copin mechanism. but in the most unhealthy way possible course. it doesn #matter who or wat or whete or how or how detrimental it is to his health as long as he feels somethin n he feels it to an extreme degree #smiles proudly.. #hope he gets knocked up n miscarries so many times. #fine.. #tw rape #tw suicide #tw forced pregnancy #tw pregnancy #🪦🕊️ #might start taggin these properly if i feel cute

[maaarine]

Scientists Pinpoint Cause of Severe Morning Sickness (Azeen Ghorayshi, The New York Times, Dec 13 2023)

"More than two-thirds of pregnant women experience nausea and vomiting during the first trimester.

And roughly 2 percent of women are hospitalized for a condition called hyperemesis gravidarum, which causes relentless vomiting and nausea throughout the entire pregnancy.

The condition can lead to malnutrition, weight loss and dehydration.

It also increases the risk of preterm birth, pre-eclampsia and blood clots, threatening the life of the mother and the fetus.

Perhaps because nausea and vomiting are so common in pregnancy, doctors often overlook hyperemesis, dismissing its severe symptoms as psychological, even though it is the leading cause of hospitalization during early pregnancy, experts said.

Although celebrities like Kate Middleton and Amy Schumer have raised the condition’s profile in recent years by sharing their experiences, it remains understudied.

“I’ve been working on this for 20 years and yet there are still reports of women dying from this and women being mistreated,” said Dr. Marlena Fejzo, a geneticist at the University of Southern California Keck School of Medicine and a co-author of the new study.

She knows the pain of the condition firsthand.

During her second pregnancy, in 1999, Dr. Fejzo was unable to eat or drink without vomiting.

She rapidly lost weight, becoming too weak to stand or walk.

Her doctor was dismissive, suggesting she was exaggerating her symptoms to get attention.

She was eventually hospitalized, and miscarried at 15 weeks. (…)

The researchers found that women experiencing hyperemesis had significantly higher GDF15 levels during pregnancy than did those who had no symptoms.

But the hormone’s effect seems to depend on the woman’s sensitivity and exposure to the hormone before pregnancy.

The researchers found, for example, that women in Sri Lanka with a rare blood disorder causing chronically high levels of GDF15 rarely experienced nausea or vomiting in pregnancy.

“It completely obliterated all the nausea. They pretty much have next to zero symptoms in their pregnancies,” said Dr. Stephen O’Rahilly, an endocrinologist at Cambridge who led the research.

Dr. O’Rahilly hypothesized that prolonged exposure to GDF15 before pregnancy could have a protective effect, making women less sensitive to the sharp surge in the hormone caused by the developing fetus. (…)

The new study is powerful because it offers genetic proof of a causal relationship between GDF15 and the disease, said Dr. Rachel Freathy, who is a geneticist at the University of Exeter and was not involved in the study.

That will help the condition gain greater recognition, she said.

“There is kind of an assumption made by many people that women should just be able to cope with this,” Dr. Freathy said.

With this biological explanation, she said, “there will be more belief that this is a real thing rather than something in somebody’s head.”"

#article #weaker sex #health

[mhsdatgo]

Do you think the show is biased against the Greens vs. Team Black? If so, how should the show have demonstrated that both teams are awful, in your opinion?

Hello anon!

I've got a lot to say on this one.

First of all, yes. I totally think that the show had some obvious kind of bias towards the Blacks. Not necessarily with the way the Greens were treated as devils with no likeable qualities except for Alicent (even if there are several instances of them doing so) but more because of the way the Blacks were whitewashed.

Rhaenyra.

Look, you'll never catch me not expressing my contempt for this woman, no matter the fact she was brought up by a man who did nothing but spoil, enable and indulge her in everything and anything she says and does. I can see the path they're taking in the show by adapting her as an irresponsible woman who flees at the minimal inconvenience and cowers to her dad at any minor inconvenience, but literally everything that makes her Rhaenyra Targaryen, Rhaenyra Targaryen, is removed.

She just looks like the next girlboss Targ Dragonrider queen after Daenerys. They basically made GOT season 8 and sent show!Rhaenyra as an apology. But in doing so they basically made her... Boring. Her and her children, which I don't love or hate. (The closest one I am to "liking" is Jace, I guess, but the leaks are just making me rethink everything again.)

I would've loved it if they had given us ONE pre-Dance book!Rhaenyra scene that would've made her appear more ruthless than what we have on the show, and not just the time when she offered 10 year old Aemond to be tortured. Make her ask Daemon to go after Vaemond (sorry pookie) like she did in the books, make her feed his corpse to her dragon. Sure that wouldn't have made me change my mind about how much I dislike her bUt it WOULD'VE made me go "damn she stands on business."

I wanted her to act out of grief and insist on going to war when she miscarried Visenya and lost her father, because although I don't think that the Greens did kill that poor little girl (she had dragon features and was likely going to die anyway) I do think that Rhaenyra should've been allowed her pain and the irrational and impulsive thinking that comes with it.

Alicent.

OH BOY.

Where do I even begin with this one?

Olivia Cooke SLAYED. Lemme just start with that. She took the whole cake and ate it too and left no crumbs. The direction they've taken with her is a realistic one, at least for the actions and decisions she's taking. Reckless, for sure. Risky, deathly even. Her fear is realistic, even for someone as Alicent Hightower no matter how much determination had protected her from dread.

What I don't like is the way she was treated as everyone's object and her shutting up about it. From Rhaenyra to Larys, everyone uses her for their own disgusting pleasures or outlet of frustration. And she's made to take it without fighting back even once. The one time she does, bless her, she's treated as a woman who's gone mad.

Now, I would've been fine with her taking all these hits if only they knew how to make Alicent change properly and completely from there. If it was me, the incident at Driftmark would be my start to revenge. No longer would I look at Rhaenyra with hope to reconcile with her. No longer would I bear any more of Viserys' shit when it's clear his first daughter (the image of his first wife) bears way more importance to him than me and all the four kids he forced me to have combined.

They'd have to nightly talk me out of suffocating him with my pillow a minute more for every wince and ache my now eyeless son suffers, for a month straight if not more. I wouldn't eagerly stand by his side and listen to his last words only to mistake them for permission to go along with my plans. I'd stand there passively at best, waiting for him to be done, before leaving the room.

Everything else can just be left the same way it was. Her fear when she realizes the effect Viserys' death has on her and her children is realistic. I'd break down for a moment too. I'd act as soon as I could too. I'd cry tears of relief, dread, grief (depends on how you interpret that scene) too. After letting his stinky ass rot for a fortnight. I would've preferred this to be a "there was a plan, but we weren't ready to act it out" situation more than a "what the fuck is going on" situation.

I'd also slap that "you toil in service of other men" dialogue from Rhaenys right back in her face (sorry grandma) since if we're talking about the show, it's literally the only thing she has done throughout the season.

House Velaryon.

HEAVY on this one. They have been done so wrong on so many levels. Every single one of them.

Laena was made to "pursue" Daemon, she changes from a precious, small and shy little girl to a confident, seductive young woman (teenager for fuck's sake, screw everyone who thought making her change this way would've been good) and later on a side piece, "the one Daemon settles for because he can't have Rhaenyra" even if it was known that she was the only one he was never unfaithful to, "she's made her peace" (WTF???????).

It apparently never hits Corlys that the bitch who he believes has made him childless (I AM TALKING ABOUT DAEMON) deserves no support from him and his house or that Luke should actually become a ward there at Driftmark if he's so adamant on keeping this farce that he's a Velaryon and the next Lord of the Tides.

Vaemond is seen as the odd, evil and power hungry one for pointing out that his house is falling into an OBVIOUS bastard's hands whether this kid likes it or not (even as my support for this claim goes as far as questioning Luke's parentage) and to add insult to injury he's made to say Rhaenyra is a whore, which never happened in the books.

The Silent Five are removed completely, Vaemond's sons as well (@redrosesandcharmingsouls knows I was FROTHING at the mouth waiting for Daemion Velaryon to make an appearance but the motherfuckers couldn't even give me that) so that we don't have any kind of reason to believe an execution so brutal and unjust had any repercussions on the support House Velaryon has on the Blacks overall. They are made into Rhaenyra's cheering squad through and thorough, even if they have every reason to be anything but.

The Laenor situation is actually really fucking funny. They made him leave instead of killing him to not bury the gays and they aren't aware that this has totally fucked everything up. Like thanks for telling me ALL of Rhaenyra's children are bastards. Cool, HOW THE FUCK TO YOU HANDLE SEASMOKE NOW?

Aegon II.

No this isn't an apologist post. I'm actually slithering on the ground on my knees for TGC daily but Aegon is a clusterfuck right now, no matter how you look at it. They tell us he's a psycho drunken rapist and he likes to watch children fighting every Sunday and when you actually see his adult version he's a crying love starved bitch of a man and he winces and frowns when Vaemond's head is cut off.

Instead of taking the throne to protect his children, he takes it because he's forced. And that makes Alicent the villain in everything once again. Now it doesn't matter if you look at the book version or what we see of the show version, everywhere you look this is just out of character.

It's inconsistent. He's made the worst thing ever so people can say "See??? They believe a rapist is better to put to the throne than our girlboss virtuous heir!!!" you either make him a psycho or a touch starved baby, why make both?

So yeah, I think this is all. For now. We'll have to see how this show progresses to see if I change my mind in any way.

Thanks for the ask!!!! ^_^

#hotd #house of the dragon #team green #anti hotd #pro team green #anti team black #anon #anon ask

[seramilla]

Ohhh Vaggie learning she's really Carmillas daughter who never made it!!! Wait wait though. We can make this worse. Vaggie wasn't just any miscarried baby. What if Carmilla was pregnant when she died and Vaggie was that baby? Like Carmilla knew she was pregnant but had no clue what happened to her unborn third child, not until Vaggie is registering as her daughter...

"Will you leave us alone for a minute, Charlotte?"

Carmilla's strong hand comes to rest on Charlie's shoulder, where she's leaning over Vaggie's hospital bed. Charlie seems surprised at first, like she wants to protest, or say she doesn't want to leave her girlfriend's side. But something in Charlie's eyes says she knows it's for the best. The princess squeezes her hand, says, "I'll be right outside, baby," and gives her one final look before she exits the room, shutting the door quietly behind her.

Carmilla rolls the doctor's chair over to Vaggie's beside, taking a seat, and crosses her arms protectively over her chest. Vaggie's not sure if she's just contemplating, or if the crossing of her arms is a self-soothing behavior. Vaggie is normally exceptional at reading body language, but this woman has always been a mystery to her. At the very least, Carmilla seems particularly uncomfortable with this situation. She opens her mouth as if to speak. Several times, in fact, but nothing comes out, until Vaggie offers her an olive branch.

"It's okay, Ms. Carmine," Vaggie says, trying to sound as casual and non-threatening as possible to the disgruntled woman. "You seem like you have something important you want to tell me. I'd rather you not sugarcoat it and just say it."

Carmilla breathes deep, bending forward and putting her large hands behind her head, laughing under her breath. "Okay then..." she starts, sitting up again to look Vaggie straight in her one curious, golden eye. "What has Heaven told you about Exorcists?"

"Umm, nothing," Vaggie admits, not sure where Carmilla is going with this. "Just that we were 'specially selected' to serve under Adam, whatever that means."

"Do you have any recollection of your life on Earth before that point?"

"Again, no...none of us did. Why? Where are you going with this?"

Carmilla sighs again, visibly fighting with herself over how to phrase this next part.

"Lucifer informed me that the process for selecting Exorcists is quite...different than I had initially understood. I thought you were trained to be warriors; while that's true, you weren't selected for the role because of your ability. It has more to do with what you are."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Vaggie asks, getting visibly annoyed and even a little angry at that statement. What she is? She's not anything special. She'd been an angel, and a strong one, and that's why she'd been chosen. She's a little more cocksure than other angels, but all the Exorcists had to be. There hadn't been anything that different about her. She's just Vaggie. Charlie had said so.

Carmilla moves on to a seemingly unrelated topic, which only frustrates Vaggie more.

"Let me, um..." Carmilla says, trying to think of a different angle from which to approach this topic. "How do I put this?...Years ago, my daughters and I were killed in an accident. It was stupid, and entirely my fault. When we showed up here, I didn't know what was going on. I only knew that I had to protect them at all costs. It took a while, though, for my memories from my life to come back to me. But when they did...I suddenly remembered that when I died...I had been pregnant."

Vaggie is...perplexed, to say the least, about where the current conversation is headed. She feels sorry for Carmilla, sure, but she's not certain where the older woman thinks she's going with this.

"Umm, I'm sorry," Vaggie says, infusing her voice with as much sincerity and empathy that she can muster. She's still not sure what this has to do with her, but she's not an unsympathetic monster. "What...what happened to your baby?"

"I never knew," Carmilla said, and Vaggie can tell she's trying to hold back tears. "I assumed I...lost it, when we ended up here. As some sort of punishment. I was pregnant before I came here, and then when we manifested in Pentagram City, my child was just...gone. Like I'd never been pregnant in the first place."

"I'm sorry for your loss, Carmilla," Vaggie reiterates, but starting to get a little antsy from the tone of this conversation. "But what does that have to do with me?"

Carmilla stands, pacing the room back and forth, chewing lightly on one of her nails, obviously in distress about what she's going to say next.

"I tried to move on. I always hoped my baby was spirited away to Heaven. They were an innocent. They didn't deserve any of this." She gestures to the entirety of Hell with her strong hands, as if the reason should be obvious. "I made that assumption, and I chose to believe it. But then you showed up at my doorstep...fighting for freedom, for justice, for some kind of retribution for what you'd done to Charlotte's people. I didn't want to help at first. But something inside me told me I needed to."

She moves back to Vaggie's bedside, taking Vaggie's un-bandaged hand in hers, and squeezing it tightly.

"Then Lucifer called me, and said you were injured. You had lost a lot of blood, and the clock was ticking. Charlotte was trying desperately to find someone who was a match, anyone at all. I figured it couldn't hurt to see if me or my girls would be a fit...and Vaggie, the thing is...all of us were."

"So?" Vaggie responds, wishing Carmilla would just get to the fucking point. "Odds are someone down here would be, right? It's not that uncommon?"

"Vaggie..." Carmilla starts again, taking both of her hands in her large claws this time, squeezing them until they almost hurt. "Lucifer told me why. And also about what the Exorcists really are. What you really are. You're all children, Vaggie. Infants! All the Exorcists, every one of them, are souls that were never truly born... They never got to experience life on Earth as autonomous beings. That's why none of you remember. There's nothing to remember. For that, Heaven treated you wrong."

Vaggie's eye is wide. She's looking at the woman in front of her, hearing every word coming out of her mouth, but not able to focus, and not understanding any of it. No, that can't be true, she thinks. She'd been a person. She'd had a life. A family. Hadn't she? Why can't she remember?

"No," Vaggie says, shaking her head, refusing to believe a word of it. "That's not true, Carmilla!" She yanks her hand away from Carmilla's, covering her head with her hands, refusing to look at the grieving woman in front of her. "How dare you," Vaggie continues. "How dare you say such a thing. We were people! You don't get to take that away from me!"

"Vaggie, listen," Carmilla tries to place her hand on Vaggie's shoulder this time, but Vaggie pushes her away. Carmilla tries again, desperately needing the young girl to listen to what she has to say. She grasps Vaggie by the shoulders, and Vaggie fights it, but Carmilla forces her to sit still, forces her to face her, and not look away.

"Let me go!" Vaggie shouts. Carmilla doesn't.

"Listen to me, mija. Lucifer wasn't a match. He's always a match for the other fallen angels. But he wasn't for you. Because you're different. Yes, you're mortal, but you're different. You never tasted Earth's food, never walked on the same ground as other SInners, you are blameless. So you're different. Belphegor ran additional tests, to figure out why, and it's because..."

Carmilla lets her go, turning away from Vaggie, suddenly unable to look at her.

"Because why?" Vaggie shouts. "Fucking Hell, because why?! Just spit it out, Carmilla!"

Carmilla does, and when she turns to face Vaggie again, her face is soaked with salty tears.

"Because you're mine!"

#hazbin hotel #carmilla carmine #vaggie #charlie morningstar #lucifer morningstar #belphegor hazbin hotel #ask #anon #fan theories #vaggie carmilla related au #chaggie #y’all made me do this #it’s all your fault #adam hazbin hotel

[spicyclover]

Fireflies

Summary: After having a horrible beginning of the year, you slowly recover from your trauma and his. You soon realize that Lance will always be by your side. 

Hope you’ll enjoy this part. Let me know in the comments section!

I’m open to requests.

Thank you, and Enjoy! :)

Lots of love, xxx Spicy Clover

WARNING: Mention of miscarriage, blood and injury. BE AWARE 

Some characters are invented. I don’t know exactly the name of every team member of each driver. Please be respectful, and you can correct me in the comments. I’ll make the adjustment if I get something wrong. 

Dialogues from: Cha Cha Real Smooth

When Lance had his bike accident. She miscarried and didn’t tell him because She didn’t want him to worry about her. Weeks passed, and he slowly recovered from his injuries. Now that this dark time has passed, she feels it’s time to tell him.

She is working in the hotel room when she gets the call from Lance’s coach. He quickly informed her of the situation, and she jumped into the first taxi to the hospital where he had just been admitted. He didn’t directly describe the damage the accident caused, but she felt in his voice that it was severe. The stress has escalated, and she imagines the worst possible scenarios.

She rushed to the emergency room, quickly spotting Lance’s team in the corner of the waiting room.

“What happened?” She asks quickly. His coach once she gets close to them.

“I... I don't. I don't know. Everything happened so fast.” 

“How bad is it?” She questions nervously. 

“Very...” 

They’ve been waiting for hours, and no one wants to give them any information until his father arrives. She tried to get information, but apparently, being his girlfriend is not close enough to him to be able to receive any information. The nurses are reluctant to tell her anything; she only knows he’s with the doctors to save his hands and feet.

She returns and sits with Lance’s coach, Rob, for the fifth time. She let a giant sigh escape and crossed her arms with discontent. She has had a stomach ache since early morning, and she’s getting increasingly irritable with the hours that pass.

She’s trying to camouflage her discomfort, but she’s starting to feel cramps twisting her in half. She apologizes to the team and heads to the nearest washroom. She feels blood running down her thighs. "Oh no." She hurries and opens the first cabin available.

She lifts her dress, which is now stained with blood and looks. Tears invade her when she sits on the toilet bowl, waiting for her to finish bleeding out. "Why it’s happening to us."

A few weeks ago, she noticed that she hadn’t had her period for several weeks, but she didn’t tell Lance because she didn’t want to worry him about anything. So she said nothing and lived in denial over the holidays and Lance’s vacation. They went to the mountains, and that’s when she realized the changes that began to happen. They went back to Canada and finally decided to consult.

So the doctor told her a week before Lance’s accident that she was 13 weeks pregnant.

“Congratulation Miss Strulovitch. Thirteen weeks pregnant. We can schedule your first ultrasound for the end of the weekend.” 

“I...”

“I know this is quite a shock, especially since you didn’t know about it. You can take your time to think about it and talk to your partner. 

“Umm...”

“You can call our office anytime.”

She left the office not knowing what to do or think. She didn’t want to talk to Lance immediately until she thought about it and knew what to think. They went to Spain on the weekend and had her ultrasound picture in her bag, waiting for the right moment to tell Lance. 

“When... Is there a date of conception? She asked them on the phone some hours later to the doctor.

“Well, if my calculation is correct, it will probably be around the end of November.”

“End of November, she whispers back. 

She remembered right away the night it happened. She had been sick for a few days and forgot to take her pill, but she didn't think much about it when she was in Abu Dhabi with Lance. Lance and she have been together for quite a long time and have done it multiple times without protection. So she didn’t think much about it, and it was Lance. 

She cries, trying to find a solution. A way for her to go back to the hotel and change. But she’s bleeding out, and bleeding out her baby. She can’t believe it. She didn’t even have time to tell him. She didn’t have time. Why didn’t she have time?

She finally calmed down a bit to be able to text Rob, Lance’s coach. 

“Hi, women’s bathroom. Hum, I’m looking for someone. Is anybody in here? Is anybody’s name Y/n in here? Start with a Y?” Asks Bob entering the bathroom. 

“Bob,” She whimpers in pain. 

“Yeah. Y/n.”

“Is Lance okay? Have you seen him?”

“Yes. Yeah, he’s, and he’s keeping it up. Are you okay?”

“Um, I’m kind of stuck in here.”

“What do you mean?” Do you need toilet paper?”

“I’m. I just. I got some blood on my dress, and it’s not. I’m fine. It’s not a cut. Um...”

“Oh, word, okay.”

“Um, but I need. Can you get me some paper towels?”

“Yes”

“Like ten?”

“Yeah”

“And can you wet some?”

“Uh?”

“Will you wet some of them?”

“Yes!” He approaches the door. “Okay. Can you reach that?”

“Fuck”

“What?”

“I can’t reach that. I just got more blood on my drip on my dress.”

“I can go a little further.”

“I can’t. I. Just throw them.”

“I can, but I feel like it’s gonna fall on the floor, and it’s gonna be, like, not sanitary for you.”

“Go under, then, go.”

The door opens. He gives you the toilet paper.

“Close the door.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah...”

“Do you want me to see if someone has a tampon or something?”

“No, I’m good.”

“Lance, I need you to help me get to my car. Because I don’t want people to think I’ve killed somebody in the bathroom.”

“Yeah, it does look like that. Do you, um, that’s a period. Do you want my... Do you want to wear my coat? I have a coat.”

“I don’t think your coat will cover my ass.”

“I feel like it is. I’m pretty tall.”

“I don’t want people to see me wearing some guy’s jacket.”

“Okay, I think I have an idea.”

She spends several minutes in there while Rob goes looking for his coat. She whimpers in pain, trying to breathe through the contraction. Tears flow down her cheeks, and she feels something leave her body. 

She went back to the hotel room. Looking like a maniac trying to keep her mind busy. She’s shaking but tries to cover it. She mumbles to herself. She nervously eats her nails, and she passes multiple times at the same place. Her mind wanders away. She needs a shower. She needs a shower right now. 

It is only when the shower starts running that her minds finally silence itself. Taking a part of hers in the drains. She watches the blood flowing away. The warm water makes her feel a bit better, but she can’t help to cry again. She stays under the water for ages. Letting the water flow her emotions away. She needs to be strong. She needs to let go of the pain. She needs to be strong for him. “He didn’t have to know. He didn’t have to know.” She mumbles again to herself. 

She wears sweatpants with an oversized hoodie and returns to the hospital. Her hair is still wet, and she didn’t even bother to put makeup on. The surgery is over, and she can finally see Lance again. Seeing him, in his hospital bed, with his casts on moves her. She keeps your tear to herself and goes to kiss him. Acting as normal as possible. Even though inside of her, she just went to let her pain out. Let it out to the world and be normal again. 

The week passed, and his recovery went rapidly, and the possibility of him getting back in the car was more and more present now. She gets nightmares every night, and each worsens, keeping her awake. Sometimes, she sees Lance getting hurt in the car, in the street. Sometimes it’s her being persecuted by Lance, her family, and his family for how an awful mother she is, for losing this child. So, she lays awake in bed every night, waiting till the morning comes. 

It’s the first of the year. Overwhelmed and tired. She enters the paddock with him. Her glasses are up to her nose, and her head is down. 

It’s FP1, and she’s decided to stay in Lance’s driver's room to try and get some rest. She rested her head on her fist as her tired eye slowly started to close. Her lips slightly parted, and she drifted away. Forgetting all the sound and the agitation around her. 

A dream begins to appear in her mind. Images and sounds start to occur more for her as she finds herself on track, in the middle of it. Her eyes wander around her. All the lights on the track are on, but no spectators, no sounds, and no vibration. 

Then the sound of a Formula One car begins to reach her far away, like a storm. The atmosphere becomes heavy and humid. She is unable to move or step forward. Just her eyes move from left to right. She feels her heart palpitating, her breathing pressing, and her body hair bristling.

She feels that her body is reacting violently to what is happening. As if a great danger is going to happen and she can do nothing to stop it. She’s watching her own misery.

Then, in the distance, she sees the car heading straight toward her. The ground begins to vibrate under the pressure of the coming storm. The wind blows violently, and her breath is cut off.

She blinks, ready to scream with all her lungs, when suddenly she feels a hand on her shoulder, gently shaking her.

Her eyelids suddenly open, and she desperately seeks her breath. She crosses the worried look of Lance, who still holds her shoulder.

He’s still in his suit. Light sweat on his forehead. His fireproof clothes are soaked with sweat, and his suit is tied around his waist. 

“Are you okay?” He questions, visibly concerned. 

“What time is it?” She asks, still confused by her dream. 

“Haft past seven, I think.” She looks at him confused but sits up. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, just tired...” She mumbles, rubbing her eyes. 

Lance didn’t believe a word she said. He knows this lack of sleep has been going on for a while now, even though he didn’t say anything initially, thinking that all this stress comes from his accident. He wanted to prove to her that everything was going well for him by going up to the Grand Prix and into that car, but he sees that it is no longer that that bothers her, but something else.

“Your eyes are red. Did you get enough sleep last night?” She sighs. She doesn’t want him to be distracted. Not right now, not now. She wants to tell him so badly. All this sadness and pain she feels, but she has to wait. 

“I had a bad dream.” She says, looking up at him. “I’ve been having the same dream over and over for the last few weeks, and it’s keeping me awake, and I can’t sleep.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? You should have woken me.” His voice calmed the storm inside her mind, making her focus on what was really important.

“I wanted to, but every time I turned around in the bed, you’re here with your cast and blaster, and you finally look peaceful, relaxed, and rested. I just couldn’t do it.”

Lance let it go, but that night. He lay awake next to her. He waited until she closed her eyes to finally closes his. The next day flies by, and the excellent result comes in. She didn’t sleep much, but at least Lance took her in his arms all night, making her feel safe again. 

It’s already Sunday, and the race went amazingly. Lance got P6 despite the pain and everything. She’s full of joy and sadness at the same time. Watching him being happy again makes her heart full, but at the same time, she can’t stop thinking. Thinking about what could have been. What will it be? She can’t hold it back and start crying when they return to his driver’s room.

“Hey. Hey, baby. What’s going on?” He asks, taking her into his arm. “It’s all right, I’m all right.”

“No...”

“What is it?

“I’m sorry.” 

“Why are you crying? Has something happened?” 

“I lost it.”

“What?”

“I lost our baby.”

“What are you talking about.” Lance wanders, worried. “Breathe, baby.” 

“I’ve lost our baby.” She whispers, finally calming down. She breathes before continuing. “I found out I was pregnant a week before your accident, and I wanted to be sure before telling you anything, but...” 

“But I crash my bike.”

“I don’t know why, but I did a miscarriage when you were admitted to the hospital.”

“You went through this alone?” He asks, surprised it’s been this long. 

“I didn’t want to put more on your plate, I...” She started to cry again, not wanting him to be mad at her. Lance feels bad and pulls her close to him.

“It’s okay. I’m not mad; I just wish you had told me sooner. I want to be there for you as you are for me.” he says, kissing your temple. “That’s why you are not okay for the past weeks?” She nods, her head resting on his chest. “We should see the doctor to see if everything is okay.”

She nods again to his suggestion and stays like this for several minutes. Listening to his heartbeat. They never discuss the possibility of having a baby, but Lance never shows he is against the idea of having children. He wants kids, but he never thoughts it would be this young, this soon. 

He does not know how to feel after this revelation and must admit that he is disturbed by what could have been. A small them. A mix between her and him. He sighs and squeezes her harder. 

“Will try again,” he spoke softy. “And this time, we will be ready.”

“Thank you,” she whispers, looking him in the eyes. 

They went out for dinner that night. Just the two of them, alone. In their little comfort bubble, away from socials, friends or family. It’s only a few days after the Grand Prix that Lance took the time to make a post on his social. Looking back on his journey through recovery. On international women’s Day, he dedicated a beautiful message to her. Posting their first couple picture together on his Instagram. 

In the garden, she looks peacefully away. The doctor says they will have no problem being pregnant again. He even proposed to put her to be on the pill. She thoughts about it and turned to Lance before saying she won't need it. Lets the faith decide what comes. 

Later in the evening, she’s looking at the field of the lantern lighting up the sky. There is a special event in north London, and she begs Lance to go. Their wish lantern goes away with the ultrasound of their unborn baby on it. Saying a last proper goodbye. They watch it together, flying out. Flying away to heaven.  Her head was on his shoulder. 

“I'm glad you're feeling better.” He whispered in her ear. She smiles, delighted to have found peace and acceptance. To accept the loss. To accept the misfortune. To accept destiny. 

When they went back to Monaco weeks later. She had never been more in love with him. 

She's in his arms. On a boat. Looking at the sunset while listening to his multiple stories. She loves hearing him talking. She kisses his cheeks while he looks around the mountains and the ocean around them. His arms are around her body, keeping her close to his chest. Feeling her light skin warm by the sun. He finally settles in, contemplating her. She smiles. A real smile. Fill with love and admiration. He pulls her hair out, telling her how much he loves her. Scooping her face in his hand and giving her a kiss. Pulling her into a warm hug. 

“My little fireflies.”

#lance stroll #lance stroll x reader #lance stroll fluff #lance stroll x you #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #f1 #f1 fluff

[i-was-today-years-old-when]

i learned about the worst and most evil way to acquire wealth

From 1950s to mid '60s two Mexican sisters concocted an elaborate plan to make quick money.

Delfina and María de Jesús González (also known as The González Sisters) ran "Rancho El Ángel", the centre of a macabre prostitution ring that would eventually claim more than 90 lives: men, women and infants. All in the name of money.

In 1964, three women managed to escape from the the ring and approached the authorities with a horrifying story. They'd just escaped from a brothel where they were kept prisoners and forced into prostitution.

When the cops investigated the brothel, they were shocked beyond imagination. All the women the sisters had in their employ had all been abducted. To keep them in line they were beaten severely and drugged often to keep them under control.

Any woman who lost her beauty was immediately killed and disposed of somewhere in a shallow grave in the property. They dared not get sick; the sisters figured it was easier to kidnap more women than buy medicine. A new victim was totally free.

But the working girls weren't the only victims of the Sinister Sisters. Any babies unfortunate enough to be conceived in this dungeon were quickly disposed of by way of immobilizing the mother and viciously beating her until she miscarried.

At the conclusion of the investigation, the police uncovered more than 90 bodies buried in the property.

The crimes earned the sisters 40 years in prison (the maximum that Mexican laws allowed). Although Delfina died whilst serving time her sister completed the sentence.

The Guinness World Records immortalized them as the "most prolific murder partnership” in history.

#today i learned #facts #truth #history #criminals

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

Extremely fucked up that out of the og fab five, four of them have had to experience their children dying.

Roy was the first one to have a child and he loved her with his entire heart. Then she died. Crushed by a building at five years old.

Roy sunk into a deep depression after that and almost killed himself. He eventually tricked a time traveler into bringing his daughter back.

Garth had a son. Baby Cerdian. He was killed during a genocide against magic users. He wasn't even a toddler yet.

Donna's son Robert died in a car crash when he was still in diapers. Donna's step daughter died in the same car crash.

Donna's son came back to life as a zombie and Donna was forced to kill her infant child.

Wally watched Zoom slam a sonic boom into his pregnant wife's stomach and held her hand in the hospital as she miscarried their twins.

Wally and his wife Linda were deeply depressed after this. They barely survived the next few months after the attack. Wally eventually fucked with time and got his twins back.

Roy's daughter was erased from the timeline in the N52 and Rebirth. When Roy regained his memories and found out that his daughter was once again dead he became suicidal. Lian isn't dead and is in current continuity but Roy has no clue where she is as of right now.

Wally's twins were also erased from the timeline in the N52 and Rebirth. When Wally regained his memories of his children, he fractured reality in an attempt to get them back, had several mental breakdowns, and shredded time and space. Wally was eventually able to get his children back when he created a new universe with them alive on it and made a deal with a multiversal god to sacrifice his free will for their ensured safety.

Wally did absolutely insane, reality bending things to get his children back. That should not be the standard. Reunite Roy and Lian. Give Garth and Donna their children back. And god help Dick if he ever has a kid.

#seriously why does dc hate their children so much #dc #dc comics #the flash #kid flash #wally west #roy harper #lian harper #speedy #red arrow #arsenal #donna troy #wonder girl #garth #tempest #aqualad #fab five #titans #teen titans #irey west #jai west

[androgynealienfemme]

Doctors have denied an American woman on holiday in Malta a potentially life-saving abortion, despite saying her baby had a “zero chance” of survival after she was admitted to hospital with severe bleeding in her 16th week of pregnancy.

Despite an “extreme risk” of haemorrhage and infection, doctors at the Mater Dei hospital in Msida told Andrea Prudente that they would not perform a termination because of the country’s total ban on abortion.

Prudente and her husband are seeking a medical transfer from Malta to the UK, which the couple say is their only option due to the risk to her life. They claim medical staff were uncooperative in their attempts to leave and in sharing medical records with the couple’s insurance company.

“I just want to get out of here alive,” Prudente told the Guardian from her hospital room in Malta’s capital, Valletta. “I couldn’t in my wildest dreams have thought up a nightmare like this.”

Activists in Malta say the case has alarming echoes of the treatment of Savita Halappanavar, who died of sepsis in an Irish hospital in 2012 after doctors refused a request to terminate her pregnancy when she began to miscarry at 17 weeks, due to the abortion ban that was in place in Ireland then.

Malta is the only country in the EU to ban abortion under any circumstances. The only options for those seeking to end a pregnancy on the island nation are to buy illegal abortion medication online or seek a termination overseas.

Prudente, 38, was on holiday with her partner, Jay Weeldreyer, 45, on the island of Gozo on 12 June when she began bleeding heavily in the night.

Doctors in Gozo prescribed her a drug to protect against miscarriage, but two days later when they were back on Malta, the main island, Prudente’s waters broke and she was admitted to St Thomas hospital, where she was told that her placenta had become partially detached.

A follow-up ultrasound 48 hours later found there was no amniotic fluid left in her womb, and the couple were told the baby could not survive. They were also told that because of Malta’s abortion law, there was nothing doctors could do to end the pregnancy as long as the foetus had a heartbeat.

Prudente was transferred to Mater Dei hospital, where she was additionally diagnosed with a ruptured membrane and an umbilical cord that was protruding from her cervix, putting her at even greater risk of haemorrhage and infection. She also tested positive for Covid-19. She is being kept in Covid isolation and receiving antibiotics to ward off infection.

Weeldreyer said medical staff came to check for a foetal heartbeat every day.

“It’s an inconceivable form of emotional and psychological torture,” he said. “Part of me still celebrates hearing the heartbeat … and at the same time, I don’t want that heartbeat there because this is just leading to more suffering for this woman that I love.”

Lara Dimitrijevic, founder of Malta’s Women’s Rights Foundation and the lawyer representing Prudente, said the hospital only provided medical records after she intervened, which has delayed a transfer to the UK.

“It took a day for Andrea to receive her file and we are dealing with an emergency situation,” she said. “Every minute could lend itself to putting Andrea’s life in danger.”

Mater Dei hospital confirmed that it had given Prudente access to her file, but did not comment further on the case.

Prudente said the current advice from Maltese medical staff was for her to leave the hospital and wait at the couple’s hotel for the foetus’s heartbeat to stop or for Prudente to develop an infection, after which they could intervene.

“I feel like I’m being actively traumatised,” she said.

The Women’s Rights Foundation filed a judicial protest last week on behalf of 188 women, claiming the Maltese government’s blanket ban on abortion breached their right to health, privacy and equality. The foundation is now preparing to launch a case challenging the constitutional ban.

Weeldreyer said the couple had no idea that Malta had an abortion ban when they booked the holiday, intended to be a “babymoon”, where they could spend time on a Mediterranean island before the birth of their first child together.

Prudente said she was “desperate” to get off the island and receive appropriate medical care, but also wanted to raise awareness of the situation in Malta to prevent others suffering in the way that she had.

“I don’t want this to happen to more people,” she said.

This is the reality of abortion bans. This is what it leads to. Being asked to wait until you get an infection before you can terminate a dangerous pregnancy.

#pro choice #reproductive rights #feminism #abortion #abortion bans #long post #news #world news

[clone-anon]

Together

Tech x Fem Reader who miscarries twins

Warning: miscarriage / pregnancy loss, proceed with caution

Tech held your hand while you got the news that the new life you were expecting was no longer there. Both heartbeats were gone and your own heart sank to the floor. The next several days were filled with pain and hurt and he held your hand through it. You grieved in more ways than one and it felt like your body was being torn apart. Tech held your hand many times, when you were trying to work through the immense discomfort, and when you had a bit of a physical reprieve even if it was short lived.

You looked around your home and saw scattered pieces of what you had hoped for. Tech had worked on trying to make changes to the house for the safety of the children and now those projects were abandoned. He followed your line of sight as you stared wordlessly at his work bench.

"Do not worry about that now," he said, kissing your temple and wrapping his arms around you, rocking you in place to offer comfort. "What matters most now is you. How is your pain?"

You grimaced and he insisted you sit down for now. He brought you something to drink, hoping the warmth of the beverage would help a little.

"Sit with me," you said hopefully.

"Of course," he replied softly. He sat next to you and allowed you to indicate where you'd like him, knowing you enjoyed cuddling. He laid back a bit and you rested against him. He rubbed your back, tears forming in his eyes. He reached for your hand and held it so gently, kissing the back of it with a firm kiss that said I love you. Tech had always been able to accept change and move on, but this hit different. He was with you here and now, helping you in any way he could, but he was also immensely heartbroken. You looked up at him with tears in your own eyes. He whispered "My darling," while kissing the top of your head and holding you a little closer. He wasn't sure what to say. He held you while you cried. He would hold your hand through it, each step day-by-day, never faltering and taking care of you in every way that he could.

#tbb tech x reader #tbb tech x fem reader #tbb tech x afab reader #tech x reader #tbb fanfiction #tbb tech #reader insert #pregnancy #pregnancy loss #miscarriage #tw pregnancy #tw pregnancy loss #tw miscarraige

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

I recently reblogged this thread recently and I have to say, it's mind blowing to me. This is a great thread but looking through the replies is mind numbing. Women have children. Aside from RARE exceptions this is a biological fact. The thing that causes this to happen? Sexual Intercourse. The thread is shown here:

Now. Let me start this off by saying that I don't have solid beliefs when it comes to Pro Life or Pro Choice. I really don't. I know several people I follow are pro life and would not be happy with me saying that but I mostly sit on the fence for this one. I lean more towards the Pro Life side of things but I'm honestly not 100% pro life. And I'm not good at articulating why. But that's something I personally have to live with.

However the reason I'm making this post is because of some comments I saw. Specifically from one person. Now, I didn't see the things they were replying too, but I can still approach what was said in the comments as they were statements that need no context to understand. I'll address them kind of together but also separately.

Here are the comments:

So let me make this blatantly clear. All of this is bullshit. All of it.

A fetus is a HUMAN fetus first and foremost. Meaning it is human from conception. And yes. Children have more rights than adults. Why? Because you can get charged for neglect towards a child. As well as other things. Kids have varying protections under the law that adults do not. So it's not, "More rights than a regular person". It's "More legal rights and protections than an adult."

A fetus is NOT a corpse. And even in the case of a miscarriage, there should still be a level of dignity given to the lost life.

"By allowing people to chose to terminate a pregnancy, that ensures both the parent and the child have equal human rights" No it doesn't. It means that the child has no right to life and the mother has a right to destroy said child before it is delivered. Even after said child is viable. When functionally a fetus is viable after a point in time where it can survive outside the womb. If it has to come out either way at that point, why kill it? Oh right, because you don't view it as a living human.

This here is a load of shit. Bodily autonomy stops the moment another life is added to the equation. "It means no one can use your body without your consent."

*SIGH*

YOU LITERALLY CONSENT TO THE CHANCE OF HAVING A CHILD THE MOMENT YOU DECIDE TO HAVE SEX. EVERY THING YOU DECIDE TO DO IN YOUR LIFE HAS CONSEQUENCES! IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX AND NOT HAVE KIDS GET FUCKING FIXED! And if you can't get fixed, the reason is because doctors have been SUED for letting people get fixed when they were too young to realized they'd eventually want kids. And after a LOT of legal issues most doctors will no longer fix people under a certain age without X amount of kids. Unless you opt to freeze your eggs first. However there are doctors that will still do it.

If you are so concerned, find those doctors. THEN when you decide ok now I'm ready, I hope you lose in court against the doctors or hospital you sue.

Nah. This is the sentiment of MOST pro choice advocates. It used to be "Safe, Legal, and Rare." Because back then, we understood life started at conception but very FEW exceptions were made. We did NOT call it "Just a clump of cells". We did not call it, "Just some tissue". It was, "As early as possible" "Not after a certain point" and "Put it up for adoption if you change your mind".

Now a days, it's "It's not a life at all, it's just some tissue, and it's only a baby when I PERSONALLY decide it is". <You all admitting you don't care about science or logical fact. It's human in it's developmental stages from the moment the egg is fertilized. And the only reason people DON'T want that to be the understanding is because people think it's their right to have consequence-less sex and have zero repercussions at all. It's people not wanting to take responsibility for their actions.

And here's the kicker. I have casual sex. I LOVE SEX. However, if I EVER got a girl preg and she kept it, I'd be a responsible adult and help take care of it. As the child would be half mine.

And contrary to the idea that denying a woman's ability do "Chose" is somehow, "Boiling women down to just their ability to give birth", No it's not. Not even remotely. It's just saying if you make a choice, and that choice results in a new life being created, you opted to make the choice that created it. It's not making women less than. It's holding men AND WOMEN accountable for their actions.

However, there is another element to this too. Which is another fun part of this WHOLE BS narrative. MEN are the only ones expected to have to be responsible. Both by society AND by law. They also, (in the west) do not have legal say over keeping the kid if the mother wants to get rid of it. So basically, your stance is probably, "Women should have carte blanche to have sex with NO consequences what so ever, but if the mother decides to keep her child the man has ZERO choice is if he has to pay child support in most of the western world. So again, we come back to this narrative of infantilizing women saying they can't be held to account for actions they themselves take. But others can be held to account for them.

How hard is it to stop having sex or don't have sex at all? Really though. Try being physically addicted to it to the point your mind actually gutter bombs into "It's fine I can stop living". A lot of Nymphomaniacs live that reality and often have to be on heavy medications to more or less kill their libido entirely. Except less than 5% of the world populace has that problem. It's a want that you are trying to pass off as a need.

This is an annoyed post mostly and probably moderately incoherent but honestly? This whole argument pissed me off. Women are not toddlers. Please stop pretending that being exempt from consequences is somehow "Empowering" and "A human right". It's not.

#discourse

[bitchesgetriches]

Choices

Criminalizing abortions today requires a conservative Supreme Court. It’s the sunlight and the water that will make these weeds rise and bear fruit:

People dying from botched abortions

People dying from pregnancy complications

Rape victims incubating their trauma

Children with bellies swollen with responsibilities they aren’t prepared for

People who’ve miscarried met with criminal suspicion rather than compassion

Babies dying from medical conditions incompatible with life

Families bankrupting themselves on ill-timed children

Children who aren’t given the resources they need and deserve

Human beings used like livestock for breeding

The worst part is that none of this suffering even accomplishes the stated goal. Legal or not, the abortion rate stays flat regardless.

Wealthy women will be able to dodge this by traveling or choosing to relocate to a friendlier state. Poor women will not. And it will lead to wider wealth gaps, higher crime rates, greater reliance on social safety nets, and the continued degradation of wages and workers’ rights.

The average American child costs a quarter million dollars before age eighteen. The idea that any person or family should be forced to make such a financial commitment—or several such commitments—for something they don’t passionately want is fundamentally repugnant to us.

We mostly write about money and careers on Bitches Get Riches. It’s not because we love them so much we wanna kiss ‘em on the mouth. It’s because in the society that we have today, money and careers are the best tools we have to attain complete independence and autonomy.

We believe that each individual is an expert in their own happiness. And given a modest level of financial stability, people will have the freedom to make the choices that make their lives feel deliciously worth living.

Limiting abortion access—much less criminalizing it—stands in direct opposition to these values.

So what do we do? How do we stop this endless cycle?

full article: On Pulling Weeds and Fighting Back: How (and Why) to Protect Abortion Rights

#abortion #reproductive rights

[kp777]

By Jessica Corbett

Common Dreams

April 24, 2024

"At its core, this Supreme Court decision will reflect who we are becoming as a society."

Less than a month after a key abortion pill hearing, the right-wing U.S. Supreme Court on Wednesday heard arguments for another major reproductive rights case—one out of Idaho that could impact healthcare for pregnant women and people across the country.

Idaho is among the over 20 states that have tightened restrictions on abortion since the high court's right-wing majority reversed Roe v. Wade nearly two years ago with Dobbs v. Jackson Women's Health Organization. Since August 2022, abortions have been banned in the state except for reported cases of rape or incest or when "necessary to prevent the death" of the pregnant person.

"If the court does not uphold emergency abortion care protections, this ruling will have devastating consequences for pregnant people."

Before Idaho's near-total ban on abortion took effect, U.S. District Judge B. Lynn Winmill barred enforcement of it to the extent that it conflicts with the Emergency Medical Treatment and Labor Act (EMTALA), a 1986 federal law requiring emergency departments that accept Medicare to provide "necessary stabilizing treatment" to any patient with an emergency medical condition.

The Biden administration argues that such care includes abortion; Idaho's Republican policymakers—backed by the far-right Christian Alliance Defending Freedom—disagree. The U.S. Supreme Court in January paused Winmill's order and agreed to hear arguments in Moyle v. United States and Idaho v. United States.

As The New York Times reported Wednesday:

In a lively argument, questions by the justices suggested a divide along ideological lines, as well as a possible split by gender on the court. Justice Amy Coney Barrett, a conservative, appeared skeptical that Idaho's law, which bars doctors from providing abortions unless a woman's life is in danger or in specific nonviable pregnancies, superseded the federal law. The argument also raised a broader question about whether some of the conservative justices, particularly Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr., may be prepared to embrace language of fetal personhood, that is, the notion that a fetus would have the same rights as a pregnant woman.

Also noting Barrett's apparent alignment with the three liberal women on the court, Law Dork's Chris Geidner predicted "it comes down to" Chief Justice John Roberts and fellow right-winger Brett Kavanaugh.

"Already, we see women miscarrying and giving birth to stillborn infants in restrooms and in their cars after hospitals have turned them away, and medical professionals put in impossible positions by extremist lawmakers," said MomsRising executive director and CEO Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner, citing Associated Pressreporting from last week.

"Of all the horrors SCOTUS unleashed with its appalling, dangerous, massively unpopular ruling overturning Roe v. Wade, the threat that pregnant people—most of whom are moms—will be denied emergency medical care is among the worst," she asserted. "An adverse ruling in this case will mean emergency rooms can deny urgently needed care to people experiencing serious pregnancy complications that can destroy their health, end their fertility, and take their lives."

Alexa Kolbi-Molinas, deputy director of the ACLU Reproductive Freedom Project, similarly stressed that under a decision that favors the Idaho GOP, "pregnant people will suffer severe, life-altering health consequences, and even death."

"We're already seeing the devastating impact of this case play out in Idaho, where medical evacuations to transport patients to other states for the care they need have dramatically spiked since the Supreme Court allowed state politicians to block emergency abortion care," she noted.

The has also been an exodus of healthcare providers. Pointing out that those who violate Idaho's ban face five years in prison, The Guardian reported Wednesday that "between 2022, when Roe was overturned, and 2023, about 50 OB-GYNs moved out of the state."

As Republican lawmakers in various states have ramped up attacks on reproductive freedom since Dobbs, states that still allow abortions have seen an influx of "healthcare refugees." A Planned Parenthood spokesperson confirmed in January that about 30% of its abortion patients in Nevada—which borders Idaho—are from other states.

"With several of Nevada's bordering states enforcing abortion bans, pushing many people seeking care to our state, we've seen firsthand the devastation that anti-abortion policies are already wreaking," Reproductive Freedom for All director of Nevada campaigns Denise Lopez said Tuesday. "The Supreme Court must not allow us to spiral further into this healthcare crisis."

If the high court rules in favor of Idaho's Republican lawmakers, she warned, "all states will be impacted, even in places like Nevada with more than 4 in 5 voters supporting reproductive freedom."

Destiny Lopez, acting co-CEO of the Guttmacher Institute, declared that "at its core, this Supreme Court decision will reflect who we are becoming as a society: Are we okay with requiring pregnant individuals who face severe complications to suffer life-threatening health consequences rather than granting them access to abortion? Are we okay with forcing doctors to choose between violating federal law by not providing emergency abortion care or violating state law if they do?"

"If the court does not uphold emergency abortion care protections, this ruling will have devastating consequences for pregnant people—particularly Black and Brown folks, immigrants, people with lower incomes, those without health insurance, and LGBTQ+ communities—while further emboldening extremists," she emphasized.

Arguments in the case have sparked multiple demonstrations, from a weekend rally in Boise, Idaho to a Wednesday gathering outside the U.S. Supreme Court in Washington, D.C., where Women's March organized a die-in to highlight the potential consequences of the forthcoming ruling.

"It's a horrifying time to be someone who needs critical abortion care in America right now," said Women's March executive director Rachel O'Leary Carmona. "The GOP is chipping away at women's bodily autonomy and livelihoods one illegitimate court case at a time—from fast-tracking a case on the authorization of a medication that's been safely administered for decades last month, to now bringing the fate of emergency abortion care to a Supreme Court captured by their radical, anti-choice agenda."

"We know what these cases really are: They're part of a series of efforts by Christian nationalist politicians to do anything they can to control women's bodies and cut back women's decisions about their healthcare, their family planning, and their lives," she added.

Similar warnings about far-right Christian nationalist attacks on a range of rights have dominated political contests this cycle—including the race for the White House. In November, Democratic President Joe Biden, who supports access to abortion care, is set to face former Republican President Donald Trump, who brags about appointing three of the six justices who reversed Roe.

The case has renewed arguments for considering changes to the country's top court, which over the past few years has not only seen plummeting levels of public trust but also been rocked by repeated ethics scandals.

"Idaho's abortion ban is a direct consequence of the court's radical decision to overturn Roe v. Wade and allow partisan state legislatures to determine Americans' access to abortion care," said Stand Up America managing director of policy and political affairs Brett Edkins. "If the Supreme Court once again sides with anti-abortion extremists, it will be further proof that this court is radically out of touch with the American people and must be reformed."

#u.s. supreme court #abortion rights #maternal health #idaho #roe vs. wade

[tacticalhimbo]

YALE PSYCHIATRIC - THE TRAGIC CASE OF FATHER JOHN WARD (FAITH: THE UNHOLY TRINITY)

With the new drop of development notes into the GOODIES folder of the game, I wanted to revisit an old analysis I did way back during the era of the Chapter 2 demo.

The long story made short is this: John has an interesting psychology that is backed by the in-game letters and allusions to his hospitalization at Yale Psychiatric. That being said, it isn't really expanded upon because it's not a core element to the plot.

Which, to an extent, can be disagreed with because it is entirely possible that the events of The Unholy Trinity are told through the perspective of an unreliable narrator (John), which then means that some (if not all) events that take place are exaggerated and intensified by John's mental state.

If you ask me, I see the series of events as a blend of details. Demons exist and the cult is very much up to something, but certain things are manipulated to fit a narrative (think, the Martin twins. Amy's mother miscarried, yet John was manipulated into believing the cult had kidnapped the born children for their rituals). I might expand on that another time, but for now, here is my perspective on the characterization of John Ward, and how mental illness plays a significant role throughout the series.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a psychiatric professional. I do have a degree and spent years studying the intersection between the mental health and correctional systems, but I am not a clinician or an individual with a lot of clinical knowledge. I'm just a guy with too much time on their hands and a tendency to let the autism win (/lh /j). Also, if there are any grammar issues… I know. It was, like, 3 AM when I wrote this, and I don't care to tidy it up more than I have tried to.

With this out of the way, let's dive into it. Below the cut will be spoilers for the game and discussions regarding psychiatric abuse. Reader discretion is advised.

In-game dialog and other citations will be highlighted using small text, as I cannot for the life of me get the indent/blockquote feature to work on desktop.

As of writing this post (January 2023), there are five notes regarding John's admission to Yale Psychiatric after the failed exorcism of Amy Martin. I'm going to transcribe them in order of events, and not in the order they are found. The first note we would see examining John's case file, if he were an actual patient, would be the intake assessment form:

Yale Psychiatric Institute NEW PATIENT INTAKE FORM

Patient Name: Ward, John Thomas

Age: 33 Sex: M Ethnicity: White/Caucasian

Assigned Counselor: Spinel, James, PhD

Health Examination Results: Height: 6 feet 2 inches Weight: 185 lbs HR: 92 bpm Blood Pressure: 135/81

Current Status: Minor cuts and bruises, sprain in left ankle.

Patient is in a state of psychologic shock.

Existing Conditions:

Asthma (dormant) Diminished mobility from childhood injury to right knee.

Notice the little note there about psychologic shock. We do get elaboration on the comment made by whoever conducted the intake process, which come from Yale Psychiatric Notes 1 & 2:

Notes - new patient initial consultation

Subject: John Thomas Ward

Present: Dr. James Spinel, PhD, and two orderlies

Subject non-responsive for first half-hour, followed by fragmented 'exorcism' narrative

Subject unable to maintain consistency in story (for example, stating that Amy was in the basement and then saying she was in the attic)

Subject insists incident was the result of demonic possession

Cannot declare subject of sound mind; will require several more sessions to fully understand subject's mental state. Will advise Martin Family attorneys.

—

Subject is suffering from delusion. In John's mind, he plays the role of the hero sent by God to protect the innocent. In order to escape the consequences of his actions, he has created his own reality. In order for everything to make sense, he needs to believe in the evil spirits and paranormal occurrences. I recommend an in-vivo approach until we can get John to accept the truth.

And for the love of God, please have Ms. Martin transferred to another facility. Somehow, John knows that she is in here with him.

Then there's the newer documentation and references to In Vivo, found in the GOODIES folder of the game. See the text around bullet point 3.

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An image of development notes for Faith: The Unholy Trinity Chapter 3, which were taken in an non-lined notebook. There are several roughly drawn images of the page, consisting of level mapping for puzzles in what the developer has called, in previous notes, GaryLand. The text beside bullet point 3 reads "Mini-environments to collect keys. Re-contextualized once you grab key (lost In Vivo). Placement of plagas cultists is 'contested space'. Keys? Sigils? Body parts? Notes alluding that John was there". Beside the last note is a doodle of the eyes emoji, with two stylized eyes looking to the left toward the text. END DESCRIPTION.]

Here's the thing about psychiatric institutions: They suck.

The mental health system in modern day America is better than it was in the 80s, naturally, but not by much. It is important to note that the deinstitutionalization of the mental health system was the right call to make. However, I must note that the lack of funding and resource allocation (mostly due to greed among politicians and public perception of those with mental illness) made it so that individuals are still institutionalized. As of the modern era, individuals with mental illness are disproportionately incarcerated.

The Prison Policy Initiative has a wonderful online research library with up-to-date and reflective research on the rates and treatment of individuals incarcerated, as well as how current carceral practices only work to exacerbate these issues through intensive focus on punishment:

But traveling back in time, before the tides shifted, we have to understand what the environment was like within psychiatric wards/asylums.

The deinstitutionalization of mental health emerged in the 50s following World War II. To make a very long story short, the human rights abuses were put into the spotlight. Several factors, such as inhumane living conditions, harmful treatment practices (which we will elaborate on later), and the rising costs and demand for psychiatric treatment, all contributed to the call for deinstitutionalization. The goal was to improve the quality of life for people with mental illness, and to really just… allow them to exist as humans within society. Though the movement began in the 50s, it didn't gain much popularity among advocate groups until the 60s and 70s (e.g., the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and Project Release), where the movement truly took off.

However, large-scale closures of institutions didn't actually happen until the 80s, at least in the States. This means that, come 1986/1987, there were still institutions actively running. If you'd like to read more about how psychiatric institutions were run in this era, then I highly recommend reading Dr. David Laing Dawson's personal testimonies as a clinician during the era of asylums and advocacy:

But what were popular treatment modalities for patients like John? Firstly, and mentioned in the in-game notes, we have In Vivo Exposure Therapy, or more simply put: Exposure Therapy.

The American Psychiatric Association, in their Clinical Practice Guideline(s) for the Treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (2023), define In Vivo Exposure as:

Directly facing a feared object, situation or activity in real life. For example, someone with a fear of snakes might be instructed to handle a snake, or someone with social anxiety might be instructed to give a speech in front of an audience.

This intervention is not limited to PTSD, though, and is often used for other clinical concerns such as phobias, panic and anxiety, and (in some cases) Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. The ultimate goal is to break the pattern of avoidance while confronting the fear in a safe environment. Which is great… for patients who are ready to confront these things. If there's one lesson to take away from this post, it's that treatment cannot be forced. Treatment is ineffective if the person requiring it is non-consenting or otherwise unwilling/unable to go through the modality.

So when you look at a patient like John, who is in an active state of crisis, and decide the best treatment intervention is to (effectively) tell him to "Suck it up" and induce anxiety and fear? It's disgusting and it would, in a realistic scenario, only exacerbate his symptoms even further. Which it seems to do, if the line about John having a reaction to Amy's presence in Yale Psychiatric is anything to go by. The man believes she is possessed by a demon (or knows she is), and has intense dread and anxiety around trying to save her (to the point where it's already a fixation). Exposing him to Amy's presence, or even the possibility of it, is not going to do him well until he is guided down from a crisis state and able to understand what is going on (as well as process the events that took place in the Martin home, because Amy would be a psychological trigger of recollection for said events).

John's official diagnoses are, ultimately, mild anxiety and acute coulrophobia (aka: fear of clowns). This much is clarified in the release form:

RELEASE FORM

SUBJECT: John Thomas Ward

DOR: 31 Oct 1986

This form certifies that the subject is hereby released from my care after having completed their required counseling and treatment to my satisfaction, with confidence that they are ready to resume their normal daily activities as a mentally stable member of society.

Dr. James Spinel, PhD

EXISTING CONDITION:

Mild anxiety

Acute coulrophobia

As an aside, can we just point out how John was only admitted for a month, give or take some days? Even if we take the events at face value (aka: demons are real; Hell is real; Lucifer is planning an invasion of Earth to reclaim what God has taken from him-), this feels… entirely too short to state that John is fully recovered.

At least from my interpretation of the intent behind "a mentally stable member of society", as the stigmatization of mental illness would place the burden of showing minimal, if any, signs of distress within day to day life… unless you were a hard-working husband who drank off most of his time at home while beating his wife, lest we forget the nuclear family values and toxic masculinity that still run rampant in American society. But I digress...

And immediately bring your attention to a bit of a continuity issue that, effectively, renders my last point moot: John's letter to Dr. McGlashan, who we can assume is a director of sorts within Yale Psychiatric.

This note is dated for December 30th, 1986:

Dear Dr. McGlashan,

It has been thirty days since the beginning of my treatment here at Yale Psychiatric Institute. Dr. Spinel, who has been so patient with me, has helped me understand my afflictions and has helped me fund a way to move forward and accept the truth.

With Dr. Spinel's help, I have come to accept what really happened in September at the Martin family residence. I accept that what happened was not the result of any supernatural phenomenon, but rather the desperate actions of a young girl driven to violence by her dogmatic parents and old church rituals that are thought to drive out evil.

I am happy to report that, since accepting the truth, my nightmares have ceased and I now enjoy peace of mind that I have not felt since the incident. Given my progress since first coming here, I respectfully request my release from Yale Psychiatric Institute, contingent upon follow-up appointments with Dr. Spinel in the future.

Sincerely,

John Ward

And raises several questions, such as:

If the failed exorcism took place in September, does this mean that John was within Yale Psychiatric from September to December?

Why was there a release form authorized in October 1986 by Dr. Spinel?

John states, "It has been thirty days since the beginning of my treatment […]". Does this mean that there was a second admission period between October and December?

If there was, when did that occur? Was he brought back in during the last weeks of October? In November?

My personal belief is that John was institutionalized twice. Once immediately following the failed exorcism, and once more after due to a relapse (hence the specification "[…] contingent upon follow-up appointments with Dr. Spinel in the future."). John, by this point, is aware of his mental health concerns and acknowledges that he needs more in regard to his treatment. Here, he's showing a clear capacity to establish and (hopefully) follow a community treatment regiment.

And this is where a bibically-accurate, canonical analysis, would end. A bit of insight into what happened, why it happened, and the ramifications (albeit brief). But here's the thing:

I believe there's more to John's case, since I believe in the blending of two prominent theories (everything is real versus everything is imagined). Personally, based on these notes and a few key dialogs within Chapter 3, I believe that John (in addition to the Anxiety) experiences Psychosis brought on by Paranoid Schizophrenia. In context of the game's plot, he experiences Persecutory and Grandiose Religious Delusions.

Let me explain.

There are several types of delusions, and the severity of these delusions can vary from individual to individual. More on the specifics (as well as recommended treatment modalities) can be found in this PDF.

Generally speaking, though, the types of delusions I mentioned are described as follows:

Grandiose: An individual experiences an exaggerated sense of importance, power, knowledge, or identity, that may have some type of theme.

Persecutory: An individual is fixated on the prospect of being attacked, harassed, persecuted, or conspired against.

Sounds familiar, yeah? Let's break it down:

Grandiose: Exhibited in all chapters. John is of the belief that he is a destined savior to Amy Martin. That he is the only one who can save her from the demon(s) plaguing her because he is the only one with the power and ability to do so. He, in the Super Miriam boss fight, also claims to have God's power directly within him. That he, in a way, is God (at least, in that moment).

Persecutory: Exhibited in all chapters, prominent in Chapter 3. In Chapter 1, there's "The Offering" Ending. John is (or perceives to be) stopped in the middle of the road home by Gary and his cult. Then, in Chapter 3, the entire arc around Gary's cult centers around the idea of John being persecuted (targeted by the cult for his attempts to save Amy).

But I feel like this expansion on John's psyche is supported within the canon itself, even if not explicit. Let's look more at the dialog cues from other characters.

One thing that slates me toward this conclusion is the brief mention of John's mother, Meredith. Amy's demon taunts John by asking him "What about Meredith? Did she get better?" and says how he couldn't save her. And based on the delivery of this line, it's clear that some sort of illness was what killed Meredith. Given that Schizophrenia in of itself typically doesn't cause death (though symptoms can contribute to other factors, such as poor physical health, risk-taking behaviors, higher risks of suicide), we have to look beyond the mental health aspect for a brief moment.

According to fairly recent research, there have been connections made between an individual's Schizophrenia diagnosis and their likelihood for developing Alzheimer's Disease. Kochunov et al. (2020) state:

"Schizophrenia (SZ) is a severe psychiatric illness associated with an elevated risk for developing Alzheimer’s disease (AD). Both SZ and AD have white matter abnormalities and cognitive deficits as core disease features. […] SZ and AD have diverse etiologies and clinical courses; our findings suggest that white matter deficits may represent a key intersecting point for these 2 otherwise distinct diseases. Identifying mechanisms underlying this white matter deficit pattern may yield preventative and treatment targets for cognitive deficits in both SZ and AD patients."

Now, as a personal note, I have seen and experienced what Alzheimer's can do to people and how long of a process it is. My maternal grandfather, tragically, passed due to the illness in 2020. I still cannot discuss the symptomatology and progression in full as a result of the grief, but I can direct attention to the Alzheimer's Association and their article on the stages of progression:

Returning to the psychoanalytical aspect, mental illness can be hereditary and passed down, in addition to being individually developed (through whatever means, which are often referred to as the biopsychosocial factors of development). Such is true with the case of Schizophrenia.

Additionally, there does seem to be evidence suggesting that John's perception of events is questionable. Of course, I must note here that every character in this story is an unreliable narrator. Every character has their motives in the information they share and how they share it. This is in no way, shape, or form, me saying that other characters are objectively right in their perceptions. Especially Gary.

Gary is a cult leader. Even if the cult is not as dramatized as they appear to be (e.g., they are not, in fact, kidnapping babies and sacrificing people)… he is still running a cult. He is still capable of being manipulative regardless. I can absolutely delve into the psychology and structure of cults, but this post is long enough as is.

So instead, let's look at what it is Gary says to contradict John's point of view. The primary dialog that I believe points us to a faulty perception is Gary's recollection of the Martin twins:

"Oh, John… deep down, you always knew the twins were an illusion. But you could not resist chasing after lost (hurt) souls. I suppose you wished they were real, just like the late Mrs. Martin. That is how I knew you would come to me."

The popular analysis among the fandom is that Mrs. Martin miscarried the twins, and experienced a rough patch of grief surrounding the event. Again, I have seen similar experiences in my personal life, so I can sympathize with and affirm how rough this process can be. This is why Mrs. Martin had put effort into the belief that they were still expected/born, with the room being set up for them and the crib being discarded in the Martin's basement (as well as the birthday party and clown aspect).

John knew this at the time of exorcising Amy, but his own mental break altered his perception of events and made him believe in the same narrative that Mrs. Martin presented: The twins were alive. The difference here is that John tied the twins into his perception of the game's events, and came to the conclusion that Gary (and his cult) kidnapped them for ritualistic reasons.

Likewise, a lot of Gary's dialog has key words switched out. A list of these words is as follows, with their substitutions in parentheses:

enter (abuse)

lost (hurt) souls

Vessel (Victim)

journey (despair)

Again, this could be a simple nod to Gary's capacity for manipulation as a cult leader. But that doesn't exclude it from also pointing out John's perception of the series' events. In fact, this could be John's psyche interjecting and affirming itself.

So, if John does have this diagnosis, what would a thorough treatment modality look like if they'd pinpointed it back then? If he was institutionalized a third time, after stopping the Profane Sabbath?

The answer to that is either Insulin Shock Therapy (IST)/Insulin Coma Therapy (ICT), or Chlorpromazine (a strong antipsychotic medication).

It's important to note here that IST/ICT fell out of favor in the 1960s, like most shock therapies (with the exception of electroconvulsive therapy). Jones (2000) details the history and modality of ICT, stating:

"Comas were induced on five or six mornings a week. Typically, the third dose of insulin was 10±15 units with a daily increase of 5±10 units until the patient showed severe hypoglycemia. Treatment continued until there was a satisfactory psychiatric response or until 50±60 comas had been induced. Experienced therapists let patients spend up to 15 minutes in 'deep coma' with hypotonia and absent corneal and pupillary reflexes. Clinicians noted gross variation between individuals in response to a given dose of insulin. Also, in the course of treatment a patient could show day-to-day variation in his reaction. Further there was an uncertain relationship between clinical signs and the blood glucose level. The hypoglycemia made patients extremely restless and liable to major convulsions. Comas were terminated by administration of glucose via a nasal tube or intravenously."

If any of this sounds vaguely familiar, it's because the treatment modality was highlighted in the story of John Nash, a fundamental American mathematician with Schizophrenia.

The 2001 film A Beautiful Mind showcases Nash's story, including the usage of ICT. Attached is a video clip from the film, which contains content that may be triggering/disturbing. Watching it is not vital to this analysis, as it's to illustrate the paragraph above:

Ultimately, the takeaway is this:

Mental illness plays a huge role in the game's overarching narrative, even if not considered a major plot element in of itself. The Satanic Panic was a moral panic used by fundamentalist Christians to excuse abuse within their churches, excuse the discrimination of BIPOC and queer folk, and dismiss rising concerns regarding mental health advocacy. This, alongside simply targeting youth subcultures to preserve the nuclear family imagery that arose during the previous generations.

John Ward is easily one of the most fascinating characters to exist, in my opinion, because of how his character is linked to this idea. John Ward is a beacon (for a lack of better term) for this message within the game. He exhibits mental health issues canonically (re: the official diagnoses) and can be analyzed as having a deeper, more expansive diagnosis.

Everything I have said is interpretation, and is not entirely canon in the bibically-accurate sense. This is just a topic that's been in my mind since the release of Chapter 2's demo. You can feel free to agree or disagree with literally anything I have said, and I love hearing others' interpretations as well! The theories scattered around the fandom, whether posted on the Fandom Wiki or hidden in the tags on Tumblr, are just… so good. So I wanted to help contribute in some way!

And for those that read this far... Thank you <3

#txt #faith the unholy trinity #faith chapter 3 #john ward #tw psychiatric abuse #cw medical #meta post #meta analysis #my writing #gary miller #amy martin #meredith ward

[bbygirl-aemond]

How Viserys Failed Rhaenyra

Hi everyone! A while back, I made a post here pointing out the irony of how Viserys neglected his children by Alicent when he probably would've really liked them if he'd made an effort to know them. It got reposted to Facebook and Reddit and a lot of people were disagreeing with it because they thought it was too anti-Team Black. So let me be clear that just because I say Viserys mistreated Alicent and her children doesn't mean I'm anti-Team Black, because I think he mistreated Aemma and Rhaenyra just as much. I talked about Alicent and Aemma more in a post here, but I haven't written about Rhaenyra yet. So let's get into that, because I've been wanting to for a while!

In this post, I'm going to address four ways that Viserys failed Rhaenyra: neglecting her in her childhood because she wasn't a boy; pushing her mother into the pregnancy that killed her and then leaving Rhaenyra alone in her grief; grooming and marrying her best friend; and finally refusing to support her as his heir even after naming her such.

Part One: Rhaenyra's Childhood

Now, in the books, the reason Rhaenyra was called "the Realm's Delight" was because Viserys and Aemma struggled to have any children at all and were reportedly very happy and loving when she was born. I do want to acknowledge this. But as several years passed and Aemma was unable to have any more children, Viserys became less doting and more obsessed with a male heir.

In the first episode of the series, a young Rhaenyra tells Alicent that as long as she can remember, a son is the only thing Viserys has ever wanted. This would understandably be difficult for her to reckon with: her loving father becoming more distant and more obsessed with replacing her. It would bring up feelings of abandonment and self-esteem issues, to watch her father try so desperately for another child that he neglects his relationship with her in the process. We're meant to understand in the series that though they might have been close when Rhaenyra was very young, by the time she's around 14 they've become fairly estranged.

Part Two: Aemma

Rhaenyra's estrangement with Viserys clearly doesn't translate over to Aemma. She's shown being quite considerate of her mother even when no one else is (worrying for her comfort when her maids only care about the baby's comfort). Aemma was the one source of unconditional love that Rhaenyra had.

Viserys knows just how difficult and dangerous it is for Aemma to go through pregnancy. He's seen her miscarry and come close to death many times at this point (this is canon). Aemma even admits that she's been pressured by Viserys into getting pregnant, implying she wouldn't choose this for herself. And still Viserys pushes pregnancy after pregnancy on her, hoping for a son, until it kills her. His desire for a son takes Rhaenyra's mother away from her.

And it's awful to poor Rhaenyra, because now she blames herself for her mother's death. What was so wrong with her, that Viserys had to do this? What about her wasn't enough for him? If she'd only been born a boy, then her mother would still be alive. These are all devastating thoughts for a grieving young girl to be dealing with. And it's Viserys's fault that she is.

Viserys doesn't even do Rhaenyra the honor of letting her grieve in peace. He prioritizes his own emotions over his daughter's. He's so caught up in his own grief that Rhaenyra is forced to step up and light her own mother's pyre. That was Viserys's job. As a father, it was his responsibility to do that and spare her the agony of having to give the order. And he's too weak, and too selfish, to do this one thing for her. Rhaenyra has to, at Daemon's prompting, carry out her own mother's funeral. And we see the tears in her eyes, the grief in her face, the betrayal as she looks upon her father and realizes he's forcing her to do this for him.

Part Three: Alicent

In the wake of Aemma's death, Rhaenyra was now motherless. Viserys's guilt was causing him to reach out to her, but a budding relationship cannot replace the closeness she's had with Aemma all her life. The only real other person Rhaenyra is shown to be close to at this time is Alicent. And what does Viserys do?

He marries Alicent. I've linked above why this was so evil of him, but to recap: Alicent is a minor, and a woman, the daughter of a second son with no inherent land or wealth, being manipulated by her father. Viserys marries because he's forced to, but he chooses Alicent in particular because he wants to. Because his lust for her overpowers any consideration for her youth or the fact that she's Rhaenyra's friend. He knows this is wrong, and he knows this will devastate Rhaenyra. This is why he asks Alicent to keep it a secret, knowing that she can't disobey her king. Proving he knows it's wrong and that he knows of the power difference between them.

And he does it anyways. He takes Rhaenyra's best friend, her last remaining close relationship, and he marries her. Alicent is Rhaenyra's stepmother, now; she will birth the sons that jeopardize Rhaenyra's claim. And Alicent is now forced to choose between her children's safety or her friendship with Rhaenyra. It drives an irreparable wedge between them from both ends: Alicent now fears for her children's lives, and Rhaenyra now feels betrayed by her best friend. But they've both been betrayed by Viserys.

Part Four: Rhaenyra's Adulthood

I do want to acknowledge that Viserys does defend Rhaenyra politically three times: first when he names her heir; second when he defends her children after Laena's funeral (at his other children's expense, mind you); and third when he rises from his deathbed to defend her son's claim to Driftmark. I do feel that the first and third of his efforts are commendable. But I don't think they make up for the other ways in which he doesn't help her.

Rhaenyra's upbringing is quite sheltered. She repeatedly demonstrates that she is unaware of the precarious nature of her political position; in her conversation with Daemon after seeing the smallfolk turn on her and in her conversation with Rhaenys where she lords her own exceptionalism over her. We see here that Rhaenys is wiser to the misogyny of Westeros and knows that Rhaenyra will not be an exception to the patriarchy, while Rhaenyra acknowledges that the patriarchy exists but is confident that it will never affect her. This isn't some inherent trait that Rhaenyra has; it is a direct result of how she was raised. It's clear that Viserys did not have a meaningful conversation with her, when he made her heir, about the dangerous position he was putting her in.

In the Great Council of 101 AC, the lords of Westeros all voted between Viserys (the bloodline of the King's second-eldest son) and Rhaenys (the bloodline of the King's eldest son). Law should have dictated that the title pass through the King's eldest sons's bloodline to completion, but because Rhaenys was a woman the lords voted to skip her over and proceed to Baelon's bloodline and Viserys instead. The entire reason Jaehaerys allowed the Council to be called-- allowed Rhaenys's claim to be called into question-- was because he knew it would plunge the Realm into war if she was made heir against the lords' will. Viserys became King because of this. He knows the danger presented by making Rhaenyra heir. And he does not communicate this to her, because he doesn't want to confront it.

When Rhaenyra takes initiative, she proves herself to have qualities fitting of a good leader. Her retrieval of Baelon's egg from Daemon is a perfect example of this. She's able to diffuse the situation, force Daemon to get over being removed as heir, and retrieve the egg like her father wished. I really think things would have become violent between Otto and Daemon if she hadn't intervened and it would have been disastrous.

But Viserys doesn't let Rhaenyra continue to grow into being a leader, to continue to have these experiences where she can stretch her wings. He refuses to give her any meaningful political responsibilities, and keeps her as a cup-bearer, subservient to the members of the Council. She isn't taken seriously as a cup-bearer, as mentioned by Rhaenys and demonstrated during the Daemon incident, so this position isn't really helpful to her.

He also does nothing when she begins to have very obvious bastard children outside of her marriage with Laenor. I've said before and will say again that Rhaenyra was very smart to go outside her marriage, but not so smart to choose a baby daddy that didn't resemble Laenor. She would've been better served with a baby daddy who at least had blond hair and lighter eyes, because even if he'd violated her trust there would have been no physical evidence to support the rumors. It's the physical proof that's damning; the fact that everyone knows what her children are just by looking at him. The Velaryons' support doesn't change the boys' appearances. Even Viserys, the King, is unable to defend Rhaenyra when Aegon points out the physical evidence in the Driftmark episode; he can only change the topic, and you bet your ass that every single person in that room notices this, because it confirms the bastard rumors to be true.

Honestly, I feel like this is all a consequence of Viserys's failure to educate Rhaenyra about how shaky her claim was and how significant of a burden he was placing upon her. This is what we often see of the first person to break a precedent, such as the first female ruler: they're held to unfair standards. And it's most definitely unfair, and misogynistic, but Rhaenyra risks war breaking out by simply existing and really can't afford to destabilize things further by alienating lords who don't want bastards to try to usurp their or their trueborn children's claims.

After the Driftmark episode, the bastard rumors have become enough of a problem that Rhaenyra feels King's Landing is hostile to her, and rightfully so. But when she asks to go away to Dragonstone, Viserys allows it. This is such a big mistake and I can't emphasize it enough. If she'd stayed at King's Landing, Rhaenyra would have continued to be a visible presence in the court and by Viserys's side. If Viserys had let her stay, and had allowed her to begin making decisions and taking on responsibility, it would have helped a lot to cement her claim. She would've already had one foot in the door.

Finally, Viserys should have stepped down once he became quite ill. He spent a long time in significant decline, basically unable to rule anyways. Someone was going to be regent in all but name, and by allowing Rhaenyra to leave Viserys ensured that regent would be Otto. He allowed the Greens to build the foundation of political support and experience ruling that would enable them to crown Aegon-- the foundation that should have been Rhaenyra's.

It would have been incredibly helpful to Rhaenyra to have the public support of the previous King for the first several years of her reign. People wouldn't have been able to turn against her as readily (cough cough Otto cough cough). And again, as years passed and she actually lived and made decisions as Queen, she would've proven to be a decent enough ruler and there would be time for the murmurings of unhappy lords to settle. Viserys could have died having seen Rhaenyra sit on the throne for years.

But Viserys did none of this. And when he died, Rhaenyra was miles away from Dragonstone, with no presence or supporters in King's Landing and no experience with leadership. And the Greens, who had been ruling in all but name for years, which everyone knew, who had been able to make allies of the court without competition for years, were perfectly poised--by none other than Viserys--to take Rhaenyra's throne.

#viserys targaryen #viserys #viserys i #viserys i targaryen #rhaenyra targaryen #rhaenyra #hotd #house of the dragon #fire and blood #books #show #otto hightower #otto #laenor velaryon #laenor #daemon targaryen #daemon #jaehaerys targaryen #jaehaerys i targaryen #rhaenys targaryen #rhaenys #aemma arryn #aemma #alicent hightower #alicent #jaehaerys #jaehaerys i #hotd meta #meta

[vkelleyart]

Storytime: My traumatic pregnancies and why abortion access is also a mental health issue. (Part one.)

(TW: Miscarriage, Pregnancy complications, PPA/PPD, Blood)

"What happened, didn't you take care of yourself?"

That was what an elder female coworker said to me the day I returned to the office after my miscarriage.

In November 2011, I was 15 weeks along in my first pregnancy when I woke up to blood on the mattress. Having never been pregnant before, I genuinely didn't know what it meant; I'd heard that bleeding during pregnancy happened sometimes, and the worst I allowed myself to contemplate was a scenario that put me on bed rest for the remainder of the nine months. Fearing what the doctor would say, I called my older sister first to basically beg her for reassurance that there a chance that I––and by extension, the baby––was fine. Obviously, she had no answers, so I got a hold of my in-laws to take me to the OB/GYN for an emergency visit since my husband was still teaching at the school.

The technician was very quiet during the ultrasound. We're talking no eye contact. I had to ask if there was a heartbeat.

"No. There's no heartbeat."

She said nothing else. Just wiped off the gel, moved the box of tissues next to my table, and left. My mother in-law gathered me up into her arms, and I wept while we waited for my doctor to reiterate what the ultrasound had already proven. When my OB/GYN doctor of two years finally showed up, she sat across from me with a sympathetic look on her face and said, "I'm so sorry, Jennifer."

I paused in my sobbing to croak, "My name is Venessa."

"What?" She glanced down at her file. "Oh, I'm sorry, they gave me the wrong file! Excuse me..." And then she was gone, too.

It was a Friday, and as there was no chance of getting me in for a D&C until Monday, I was sent home and blandly informed that I might experience "some intense cramping" and should therefore have some Ibuprofen on hand. On the way out the door, my in-laws told my husband what I didn't have the voice to say over the phone, so he found a last-minute sub and met all of us at a Mexican restaurant where his parents treated us to Wheaton's best fajitas and sangria in hopes of easing the pain we were in. (I later found out he excused himself from class to cry by himself in the teacher's bathroom.)

Foolishly did I assume the worst was over and that all that lay ahead of me was some period cramping. It was 1AM when I woke up with pain like I was being impaled through my lower midsection.

I remember crawling on all fours to the phone and dialing the emergency number to my OB's office. Several prompts later, I finally got a human, a nurse who asked me what I was feeling.

"They said cramping," I said through gritted teeth. "This isn't normal. I feel like I'm dying--"

"You've just miscarried. You were far enough along that this may feel more like an early labor than a period."

"What??" I gasped. "What do I do? Can I come in? I can't even stand up..."

"It doesn't pay to come into urgent care for this," he said mechanically. "There's not really anything we can do for you. Just take another ibuprofen and it should run its course."

My breath vacated my lungs. "Right... Okay... Thank you..."

I hung up and crawled back to my bed room, grabbing my husband's arm and scaring the daylights out of him when he opened his eyes to find me on the floor. He scrambled out of bed and lifted me up, walking me out to the living room as I cried. I nearly dragged him down with me when another contraction lanced me through the gut and my legs gave out.

I couldn't sit and I couldn't stand, so he brought me over to the CD player, put on Michael Bublé, and let me lean all my weight into him as we rocked in place––a sort of tragic slow dance punctuated by waves of agony 5 minutes apart. He helped me to the bathroom several times over the next five hours as my body violently expelled all the evidence that I'd ever been pregnant, like I was trapped in an endless Sam Raimi movie.

Finally, just before the sun rose, my body calmed enough for us to go back to bed. When Monday came, they told me the D&C was unnecessary. An ultrasound showed my uterus was empty.

A clean canvas. Like nothing had ever happened.

Except I'd started painting the nursery. The room beside my bedroom had been cleared of my drafting table and art supplies to make room for a new little person I'd never had a chance to know. I walked around my house like a ghost for several days while I recovered and grieved, always winding up in this room and never remembering how I got there, punishing myself with shame-driven thoughts about having caused it because the fact was, I was so scared to be pregnant.

I wondered, Had I willed this? From the moment the second purple stripe showed up on the pee stick, I grappled with terror of having a difficult labor and delivery, of not being tall enough to house a growing baby without destroying my body, of handing down the generational trauma that had made so many of my family members succumb to addiction, codependency, depression, and other psychological maladies. I knew this baby would also mean leaving my job because it involved so much traveling. My world would be completely upended, and while this was what I wanted and had chosen, it was also a leap into the unknown that put everything in my life at risk, above all, my life itself.

Prior to my miscarriage, I'd had an abnormal ultrasound––abnormal in that the fetus was smaller than it should have been at the time the ultrasound was taken. My doctor reassured me it wasn't something to worry about in a tone that seemed to convey this was a common occurrence, so I tried not to dwell on it. Of course, I now understand that this was the first sign that, genetically, the baby would not make it to term.

Society told me my fears were selfish considerations. And for this reason, despite all the evidence in that very first ultrasound that told me this was not a typical pregnancy, I shamed and blamed myself for losing it. I internalized the chilly regard of the technicians and the doctor's kid glove treatment of me as evidence that all this trauma was on me. And when I came back to work, all the words of comfort from other women around me who had also miscarried, among them one of my supervisors, got drowned out as soon as one ignorant woman accused me of not taking care of myself.

Looking back on that experience in the wake of losing Roe v. Wade, I've considered what a court would say today about what happened to me. Would they side with the person at my workplace, confiscate the journals where I poured out my worries as evidence that I had in fact stunted my own pregnancy somehow?

I also marvel at how lucky I was to have a caring spouse and supportive family members in a moment where all my healthcare resources abandoned me to face a traumatic labor and delivery in my own bathroom. I've given birth to two children since then, and though neither of those labors were as painful as my miscarriage was, those experiences solidified the decision that, were I to get pregnant a fourth time, I would abort it.

But that's another story.

[Part Two coming soon.]

#roe v wade #miscarriage #tw miscarriage #tw blood #tw pregnancy