#also this lady is having like an operation so she can p much only eat soup and drink lots of fluid ofc u had an accident don't fucking worry
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Driving with the Akatsuki
Itachi
Driving with this guy is ... nerve-wracking, to say the very least. It’s not as though he’s a reckless automobile operator; he observes all the laws of traffic, the radio is at a reasonable volume ((he’s the type to listen to podcasts rather than music)), he follows the speed limits, he actually slows down at a yellow light — but it’s the near-misses that are daunting. The just barely stopping in time before hitting the old lady crossing the street. The running up on the curb while parking. And then there was that incident with the tree — Itachi legally has to wear glasses when driving, but his passengers often wonder whether the glasses actually HELP him. Even with them on, he squints A LOT. And only someone with nerves of absolute steel, like Kisame or Kakuzu, will be in a car with him at night. However he is with driving, one thing he’s not blind in, is his car’s cleanliness. Will make passengers wipe feet before getting in, and after everyone is gone he’ll carefully scour the seats to remove even the faintest trace of lint or gum wrappers or any disturbance at all. Can be a bit of a “mom” driver; a holdover from his teenage years of constantly having to chauffeur around his younger brother and his brother’s rambunctious friends.
Kakuzu
Anyone getting into a vehicle with Kakuzu is in for a surprise. 91 years old? Surely he drives slow and steady, like a typical little old man, right? WRONG. Kakuzu is a goddamn speed-demon. He barrels down streets, he flies through intersections. Not many know this about him, but he was very much into drag-racing as a (much) young(er) man, and his current proclivity for quickness is a holdover from those days. Luck always seems to be on his side, as he’s gotten caught/received speeding tickets far less than he deserves. To make matters scarier, Kakuzu’s radio system has been broken for two years (and of course he’s too cheap to get it fixed), and the back left window doesn’t roll up to the top; so the only sound his passengers will hear is the wind rushing past the glass and Kakuzu’s deep, sinister chuckles as he sees other drivers (and pedestrians) scramble to get out of his way. Also, unless you’re a CLOSE-close friend, don’t expect a ride from him unless you have gas money.
Deidara
In all honesty, the blonde prefers to be the passenger rather than the driver, even in his own car. He gets his best inspirations for future art pieces when he’s traveling around, and it’s hard to pick up a sketch book when you need to be paying attention to the road. When he does have to be behind the wheel himself, he’s a fairly average driver. His passengers are always at risk of a case of auditory whiplash, as Deidara’s (loudly played) music tastes switch from one extreme to the other; and the guy isn’t exactly shy about singing along to his favorites. He’s also one of those eat-on-the-go guys, and his backseat will almost always be buried under a myriad of candy wrappers, empty plastic soda bottles and discarded burger wrappers. In the summer he prefers the wild and free feeling of having all the windows down, rather than turning the AC on, and he’ll have to remember to firmly tie up his long hair and keep it from blowing in his eyes or else everyone in the car will be taking an unscheduled trip into the nearest tree.
Zetsu
His car always has that calm, natural, “special plant” scent to it. The kind of smell that causes a panic when Zetsu sees a police officer anywhere in the area. A very relaxed driver; seat almost all the way back, one hand barely on the steering wheel. Obeys the speed limit but can put the pedal to the metal when in a hurry. Likes to listen to mostly reggae or jazz, and taps his fingers on he dashboard along to the beat. Water-bottle hoarder; has at least 1000 plastic water bottles, in varying staging of fullness, all over the front and back seats. The type to keep driving around the block until the song ends. Also the type to have really deep conversations with his passengers, and drive them out to really far away and scenic locations.
Hidan
If you have somewhere important to go, and need a ride, it’s best not to ask Hidan. He is the sort who always insists he knows a shortcut or a quicker route to every destination ... and ends up hopelessly lost. Can’t read a map to save his life and for some reason won’t trust a car’s gps system to guide him ((has some pretty crazy conspiracy theories about the voice behind the system)). Easily distracted by any and everything (both inside and outside of car), which makes being his passenger a bit daunting. Like Kakuzu, is a very fast driver, but infinitely more cautious as he has a LOT of tickets wracked up and isn’t looking to add more.
Really loves Led Zeppelin and Johnny Cash; has a visor full of those CD’s and will play those rather than listen to the radio. Also has a butt-load of swear word laden and inappropriate humor bumper stickers.
Pein
Who needs a car when motorcycles exist? This guy has a classic hog that he keeps in mint condition, that he rides around wherever he goes. Every year he’ll try and convince his close friends to ditch their boring cars for something more sublime, only to be met sure emphatic No’s each time. Is very protective over his baby and will go ballistic over even the tiniest nick or scrape. Drives at a normal speed when by himself, but will drive just a bit faster when carting around a friend (especially if it’s a female friend). Doesn’t really like to wear a helmet himself but will insist on any passengers putting one on. Prefers the quiet of the open road but if in a musical mood it’s always 80’s hair bands; a lot of Def Leppard, Quiet Riot, Van Halen. Can do a variety of tricks on his bike but doesn’t do them often as he doesn’t like to “mess up” his baby any more than necessary.
Sasori
Absolutely 100% HATES driving. Has massive anxiety anytime he has to get behind the wheel, almost to the point where he’d need to take a sedative just to relax. Drives slower than the slowest driver you can think of. Yellow light? Slow down. Green light? Still slow down. Will drive himself to and from work, but any other time would prefer being a passenger in someone else’s car ((in which case he becomes the worst backseat driver in history)), or simply taking the bus. Doesn’t like giving rides to others but if he must, it’ll be a very tense, silent drive (forget about him turning on the radio and ‘breaking his concentration’), and he’ll freak out if a passenger takes their seatbelt off before the car comes to a complete stop. Also has a hyper-awareness to anything that might possibly be wrong with his car; if that check engine light comes on you can bet he’ll be at the mechanic in a heartbeat. Also the type who feels “uncomfortable” if gas tank is below 3/4 full.
Konan
The type who’s always heading somewhere/running errands, and will ask if you need a ride. Very neat and organized car, and always suspiciously shiny (as if she visits the carwash every other day). Seems to know absolutely everybody; is always waving at or honking to people in other cars. Keeps the radio volume down when she has passengers, but when alone she loves to sing at the top of her lungs to 90’s boy bands (her rendition of I Want It That Way by The Backstreet Boys is American-Idol worthy). Is always prepared for anything, especially in the winter; in her trunk is a shovel, an extra blanket, water bottles and protein bars, even emergency flares. May be pretty and delicate but definitely knows her way around a car; can change a tire or check the oil with the best of them.
Kisame
Has very long legs, so needs a car or truck that provides him ample room to stretch. A very relaxed and mellow driver, always puts whoever’s with him immediately at ease. Doesn’t use air fresheners in his car but inside always smells like whatever his cologne is, which is always yummy. Gets a lot of fast-food but always keeps the bags and wrappers stored neatly in a little garbage bag that he empties out daily. Will let his passengers do pretty much anything in his car EXCEPT smoke; he can’t stand the smell of tobacco. Isn’t really a Point A to Point B driver; will always think of other places to stop or visit en-route to his destination. Big fan of Musical music; his all-time favorite cd is the soundtrack to Grease. Also (when by himself) is a car-emoter; Kisame doesn’t let most people see anything but his cheerful side. Bring alone in his car is the only time he’ll cry, or scream, or express anger regarding events or people.
Obito
The type of driver who very often spaces out and “forgets” that he’s driving. Prefers traveling more with animals than with people; most likely to take his dog on a weeklong broad trip. Has been a smoker since his teenage years but is trying to quit, so in his car is the only place he “allows” himself a cigarette (but only when he’s completely alone). Almost started a fire once when he threw a still-lit cigarette out the window, but it flew into the backseat instead. Drives fairly slow unless he’s in a hurry for something (but even then his foot doesn’t press the gas pedal THAT much harder). His musical tastes depend on his mood but whatever he ends up listening to is always car-shakingly loud. Seems to have a new (and interesting) trinket hanging from his rear-view mirror every week. The kind who drives around for several days with his gas tank close to/touching on E because ”he knows his car, it’s fine”.
#the akatsuki#driving#vroom vroom#deidara#sasori#obito uchiha#itachi uchiha#zetsu#pein#konan#kakuzu#kisame#hidan
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MLQC Victor - Fluff abc headcanons
Fandom: Mr. Love: Queen’s Choice
Warnings: None. Fluffy flluff. The reader is gender neutral :)))
A = Admiration (what do they absolutely adore about you?)
The ambition.
The witt.
The open-mindedness.
The kindness.
The creativity and imagination.
The passion.
B = Body (what is their favorite part of your body?)
Smile. He loves it, because it’s a clear indication of your happiness.
Your eyes light up, cheeks become so adorably pink.
He has a different picture of your smile on a main screen and lock screen of every device he has. Even his work laptop.
C = Cuddling (how do they like to cuddle?)
Given his initial attitude you couldn’t believe how after your first time together Victor got cuddly out of the sudden.
He’s not clingy. He doesn’t do it at any given occasion, but when you are alone in the comfort of his home - he will want to cuddle and might even get a bit touchy-feely sometimes.
Spooning on the couch is his favorite. He can be a big or a small spoon. He doesn’t really have a prefered role. Victor just wants to be close and keep you warm.
Candles and slow music.
D = Dates (what does their ideal date with you look like?)
Perfect gentlemanly manners.
E = Emotions (how do they express emotion around you?)
His ideal date would be a cosy, romantic dinner at his place. Just the two of you. Everything will be served to you. And don’t even think about helping him wash the dishes afterwards.
He can be quite aloof in public.
If he bares himself to you - it’s only in private (if at all).
When the look in his eyes softness and the corners of his lips tug upwards - that’s when he pulls you close and lays kisses all over your face.
Doesn’t really know how to talk about his feelings. Won’t really try unless absolutely necessary.
Will take extremely good care of you if you need it. Sick? Tired? Grumpy? Sad? He would nag, but is ready to stop the earth and move the sun if it is to make you smile at him again.
He’s a hard worker and would rather die than to give up on keeping you happy. And by his side.
F = Family (do they want one? If they do, when?)
YES.
Whenever you are ready and if you want to have kids at all - he will be happy to provide.
Only thought of you carrying his child makes him all hot and bothered, but that’s obviously not all.
He just wants to have everything with you. Beautiful wedding, big house, children... maybe even a dog, if you into THOSE -.-
He sometimes imagines you both gray and old with your grandchildren. Making cookies in the kitchen or walking around the park.
He (very) secretly dreams about ending your love story the same way it ended in the Notebook (that he has officially never seen!). Embracing each other. Closing your eyes for the last time knowing that your children are safe and happy. That’s just who he is deep deep deep inside - a hopeless romantic.
G = Gifts (how do they feel about gift giving? What are their habits when it comes to this?)
Well, he doesn’t really believe that gifts are an indication of love. People give each other gifts all the time and for no apparent reason.
He cherishes every gift you give him, but if it was the only thing you did, he wouldn’t be too happy about it.
Same goes for him. He’s a man with money. He might not be able to give you ANYTHING you might want, but he can sure provide you with a lot.
And he will. He could never leave you wanting without a good reason. He sees it as his responsibility to gift his beloved one with everything a woman might want.
Every work trip - a bag full of ‘I’m sorry I left’ gifts. He just needs to prove it to you that he was thinking about you every second he was away and how else could he do it?
He also likes to present, well, himself with jewelry or clothes for you to wear. Something beaming like your smile? Something precious like you are for him?
He just can’t deny himself the pleasure of seeing you look so gorgeous in something he personally picked out.
H = Holding Hands (when/how do they like to hold hands?)
Oh, so you thought you would be able to NOT hold hands on every possible occasion? Cute.
Don’t feel like cuddling on the couch or in the bed? Okay, hands holding it is.
Feel like cuddling? Okay, but don’t let go of his hand.
Walking around the town together? You better believe he won’t let a chance to show off his wonderful woman slip. Yes, madam old lady walking by, yes mister homeless guy going down the trash container, yes madam sales lady and you, random guy on a bike - she’s my babe.
I = Injury (how would they act if you got hurt?)
If you injure yourself by being distracted while ie. cutting something with a knife or stirring something hot - he will get a bit upset with you.
But even though he will bumble discontentedly under his nose, he will take better care of you than you need. Hurt your right hand? He will feed you, write things down for you and whatever else he sees necessary. Hurt your foot? You’re being carried around and he will be mad if you try to walk on your own. “I know it’s nothing serious, but what if it gets worse when you always walk so carelessly?”
If somebody else hurt you? Well, he’s ready to kill with cold blood. Wouldn’t hesitate.
Stabs as a warning.
If you got seriously hurt he would probably close himself in the bathroom and cry for a while, but nobody but him will ever know.
J = Jokes (do they like to joke around with or prank you? how?)
He finds such acts very childish and would never prank you. He flinches with only a thought of the word.
If you attempt such a thing to him, he will get VERY UPSET.
K = Kisses (how do they like to kiss you?)
Full of love.
He doesn’t like to kiss just for the sake of it or for the expectation to kiss your partner.
If your lips meet it’s always in an emotion-filled kiss.
No matter if it's a featherlight, sugarsweet, lovingly sensual or burning hot kiss - it's always intense in it’s own way.
L = Love (how do they show you they love you?)
Acts of service - His mane operational system. He lives to please you. To treat you like a goddess you are for him. Acts like he’s taking notes of your preferences, dreams and dislikes. Only buys the coffee you like. Stops eating meat for you. Do you remember saying that you wanted that cute, sakura starbucks mug, but had no idea where to get it? He does. He ordered it for you already. Remember briefly mentioning that you would want to see Tokyo in winter? He already has a whole trip planned.
Gifts - well, I already covered it in G, but I’ll just add that he will surely be reluctant to buy you some seemingly useless stuff even if you ask for them.
Physical touch - once again, Victor isn’t really clingy or touchy feely. He has his moments, we all do, but usually he just likes to hold hands and that’s all he wants for outsiders to see. At home he gets a little more physical, but not too much. Some affectionate caressing and hugs. Kissing is not that often of an occurrence, but when it happens is usually preparation for devil's tango (which with him happens pretty often but that’s not the list for the details).
Quality time - See Q.
Words of affirmation - Well, he is a good critic. Too good. However it’s just because he wants you to push your limits to thrive. He will tell you that he’s proud of you, appreciates what you are doing for him/your relationship and other things that are usually task/success related, because that’s the only appreciation words he appreciates. Words are empty for him. He’s a lawyer, he knows how willingly people lie to get what they want and how hesitant they are to make some more effort when it comes to it. Will tell you that he loves you at least once a day, because he always adds it to his to do list. Won’t praise your beauty too much, but you can tell he likes what he sees when he likes it. If you wear red lipstick the man will basically drool, but will not say a word until he pushes you down on his bed… and the rest is history.
M = Memory (favorite memory together?)
Remember that third date I mentioned? The one his kissed you for the first time on?
It was a very nice date.
He took you for a walk around the rose garden. Bought you your favorite coffee to keep you warm during the breezy evening.
Didn’t let go of your hand for a moment.
You looked so pretty that night. Smiled so pretty. TALKED so pretty.He didn’t even realise when he stopped and leaned down. He could not have noticed when you closed the gap between you.
But the kiss was outwardly. That first one and every other you shared that night.
N = Nightmare (what is their worst fear?)
To disappoint you.
He sure is scared of losing you, hurting you and a few more, but seeing you disappointed by him…
To imagine such a thing is already hurtful for him.
O = Oddity (what is one quirk they have?)
Taking photos of you while you’re asleep.
He just can’t help it. You’re so beautiful. And cute.
Would never show them to anyone though. Not even you.
No… He couldn’t even confess to you about it. It’s just his little secret.
P = Pet Names (what do they like to call you?)
Is ‘dummy’ a pet name? Because… Dummy.
‘Baby’ might also happen if he's feeling playful or you did something cute.
If he’s in a good mood you can count on ‘my love’ or ‘my lovely’ - but never in public.
Q = Quality Time (how do they like to spend time with you?)
Can’t do without it.
As I said in D, Victor will both serve you and entertain you. Whatever you want to do - he’s okay with doing it with you.
He might not really pay any attention to some of your movies and work on his laptop instead, but he wouldn’t even dream about leaving you alone and doing it in his comfortable office instead.
He rearranged his home office so you would come over and you both work together more often and more happily. Now you sit across from each other and, heh, see H.
R = Rhythm (what song reminds you of them?)
Me? Myself?
Beyonce - Ego. OBVIOUSLY. Check it out if you don’t know it. (it’s a tiny, little bit suggestive, beware)
But in the more romantic mood…
The Neighbourhood - Sweater Weather
S = Secrets (how open are they with you?)
You need to put a lot of work for him to finally open up.
After that first time, however, if he finds your reaction pleasant, he will start testing the waters on his own from time to time.
THEN, if you won’t fail his many, many tests of course, he will open up for good.
No secrets. No hiding his feelings. He’s your book that is eager to be read.
T = Time (how long did it take you to get together?)
He doesn’t fall for anyone. Ever.
If he was to, I’d have to be a conscious decision. With a lot of thought put into it.
That’s what he was telling to himself his whole life, a least.
But then when he met you… it wasn’t a love at first sight, but it took approximately a fithteen minutes of group conversation for him to get all tingly on the inside.
He didn’t ask you out that day and he regretted it alot. The next time you run across each other on the street, he spears no time.
He kissed you on your third date. Neither of you voiced it, but the situation was very clear.
U = Upset (how do they act when you’re upset?)
He acts upset.
He’s angry and he either actively doesn't talk with you or throws passive aggressive comments around.
He doesn’t beat around the bush. He’s upset.
V = Vaunt (what are they proud of? Do they like to show you off?)
You're absolutely supreme in his eyes.
Beautiful, intelligent, talented.
He takes a lot of pride by introd you as his partner. Takes you everywhere he can as his plus one, so he can show you off to even more people.
Talks instead of you as he does that, but obviously you are more than okay with that.
W = Warrior (how do they feel about you fighting? Would they fight for you, beside you, etc?)
Do I even have to say it?
Because it’s obvious. Have you even ever heard about this guy?
He would kill and die for you.
Do anything to keep you by his side and happy. That’s just who he is - a fighter… for you.
X = X-Ray (how well are they able to read you?)
His talent to read people is one of the main things he owes his success to.
Even if you don’t show what’s inside your head in your face, he sure will find other ways to read you.
You can’t hide anything from him.
Y = Yes (how would they propose to you?)
As I said, he doesn’t show it off much, but it’s quite clear in his gestures towards you - he’s a hopeless romantic that is madly in love with you.
Christmas morning. Sipping on hot chocolates that Victor made for you. You open your presents.
As always, you end up ashamed of how little you spent on him, even though you couldn’t really afford more. He bought you so many things you’re not even sure you’ll be able to store it.
After going through a few bigger presents, you finally go down on the smaller ones.
One of them particularly tiny, causing an awwww to leave your lips.
You got a few rings from Victor before and even more pairs of earrings. It really didn’t seem suspicious, especially since you’ve been dating for only a few months then.
But after you open up the box and see it… you get a bit confused at first.
White and yellow gold molten together creating an uneven coloration of a band that bends and twists and splits like a branch that holds two gleaming diamonds like they were two blooming flowers. One white - bigger, other pink - smaller.
Their cut - unseen. Enhancing their flower-like look even farther.
At first you are consumed by inspecting every detail - the way the metal cups the stones to like a tree does flowers. Causing a petal ilusion to grow even more realistic… You don’t even notice when he goes down on one knee before you until he puts his hand on your thigh.
You look at him. Your eyes wide in shock.
He has never been a man of words and some might say that his proposal ‘speech’ wasn’t romantic… But for you it was more than just perfect.
“Marry me, (Y/N).”
Z = Zen (what makes them feel calm?)
Seeing you calm. Seeing you happy.
Knowing that you don’t have to worry about another day, because he’s been working hard his whole life to provide for you.
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Catfish
☁ Summary: Tomura is hopeless when it comes to relationships, and soon that’s all subject to change. With the power of Tinder, Touya and one oblivious chick on his side, who knows what can happen.
A/N: omgggg, i’ve lurked on my priv for the past year and finally decided to stop being a narc and post something. i haven’t written in forever and it shows lmao, but uh yeah pls give me feedback if you’d like. (also idk if this has been. done before, but sorryyy if it has)
☁ Pairing: Tomura Shigaraki x fem!Reader
☁ Warnings: Non-con/dub-con, manipulation, dumbfication (if you squint), slapping, yandere, catfishing
"Fuck I'm horny."
Tomura groaned into his pillow, conflicted with whether he should be agitated or turned on. Due to his third nap of the day being interrupted by the excessive lewd noises coming from the shared living room. Tomura's roommate, Touya, had no real understanding of boundaries and was often more bothersome than helpful. Still, without his portion of the rent, he'd be on the streets struggling to find an apartment within his meager budget.
"Keep fucking me, Touya-san!" The plea echoed through the thin walls of the shoddy apartment. At least someone was getting laid. The last time Tomura had gotten lucky was at an impromptu Halloween party thrown by Touya at the apartment.
He went as Jason Vorhees using a dingy hockey mask he found in Touya's closet. The poor girl in question, who came dressed as an angel, was drunk out of her mind. She clung to Tomura's scrawny body incoherently, slurring about "How hot it would be to fuck a murderer." The fling hadn't lasted long before the young lady in question toppled over the side of his bed and hurled her entire cup of jungle juice onto the floor. Poor Tomura had to spend his night nursing her head over the toilet. Making a mental note to tell Touya that he couldn't invite any freshmen to their parties ever again.
Tomura ended up seeing her again in passing on campus, giving a small smile as she walked by. Only to be met with an eye roll as she turned to walk in the opposite direction. Fucking bitch... Other than that, Tomura had found himself too busy writing code, playing video games, and browsing Reddit to dedicate any time to dating. The polar opposite of his roomie Touya-san, a communications major whose schedule consisted of dating? If you considered fucking the same chick for a week before ghosting her dating, sleeping, and eating and drinking Tomura out of a house and home.
"You ready for my load? You're my little cum dump, right? Say you're my cum du-"
Speaking of fucking, Tomura's hard-on was starting to hurt, and what better way to relieve himself than to beat off to the action in the adjacent room.
He started to palm himself over his sweats, erection already beginning to poke through. Figuring that he's teased himself enough, he lowered his boxers, allowing his cock to slap against his stomach, throbbing and angry. He slowly stroked himself, gathering the pre-cum spouting from the tip, and used it to lube the rest of his cock.
"Pleaseee fuck! I'm your little cum dump! I swear Touya!"
Tomura started to stroke his cock faster, leaving a squelching noise with each stroke. He was barely managing to suppress his moans. Knowing how Touya wouldn't let him hear the end of it if he got caught fucking his hand to the sounds of their subtle lovemaking.
"Fuckfuckfuck... I'm cumming!" Touya grunted, giving out after his final stroke.
Tomura followed suit, flicking his wrist with each stroke. As his orgasm finally took hold of him, biting into his shirt to stifle his moan as he came all over his fist.
"Are you fucking serious, Touya?"
"What?"
"I didn't get to cum?"
"Um… I'm sure you can take care of that when you get home."
"You're such a piece of sh-"
Tomura tuned out the rest of his roommate's performance. Really hoping he'd wrap it up cause he really needed to take a piss and couldn't make it to the bathroom without passing through the living room.
After hearing a respectable amount of silence, he figured it was safe to leave the room. Of course, he was wrong; he was met with a staredown between Touya and a petite blonde woman.
"I'm sure your roommate Tenko wouldn't leave a lady hanging like that."
"It's Tomura," he muttered.
"Same fucking thing, my point still stands," The mystery woman huffed. There was a pregnant pause before Touya doubled over in laughter, clutching his chest.
"You think this cuck knows how to take care of a lady? Yeah, it's time to go, Tara."
"It's Toga, you shit stai-"her statement was abruptly interrupted, the door slamming in her face. Touya's back slid down against the door as he sat facing Tomura.
"Chicks? Am I right?" Touya sighed, peering over at Tomura, who had just left the bathroom. "Speaking of chicks, when's the last time you had sex, Shiggy?"
"It's been... a while." Tomura shrugged, not wanting to indulge his roommate with the details of his sex life.
"Well, we can't have that, can we? Let's make you a Tinder." Touya proudly announced, excited at the prospect of playing matchmaker for his roommate. Tomura reluctantly gave in, knowing once Touya was set on something, it was bound to happen one way or another.
Two blunts later, Tomura and Touya were strewn over the couch, mulling over his profile's final details. It consisted of three pics, one from the Halloween party, another from their most recent function. The last pic is a selfie of him in a black hoodie with sunglasses on. The icing on top is the bio that unironically stated, "Freak in the sheets, gamer in the streets."
"You're gonna be a real pussy magnet shiggy. Just wait, you'll have to fight the chicks off with a stick after they see this." Touya chuckled as he took another puff of the blunt.
"Go to hell and stop hogging; you didn't put shit in on this anyways," Tomura muttered as he snatched the blunt away to take a pull. Maybe he would find some success, he entertained the concept of having a consistent fuck buddy, but sometimes he was lonely and just wanted someone to lay up with. He wanted to be optimistic about something for once, taking his final pull and ashing the blunt out. The smoky haze and intoxicating scent lulling him to sleep.
Fuck optimism, Tomura thought. It had been three days with zero matches or messages, and he was starting to think there had to be a glitch in the system. The only time he had seen a match is when he accidentally swiped on Midnight's profile, a famous Only fans content creator who specialized in BDSM. The same Midnight that he happened to be a top donor for and occasionally bought panties from, but that's beside the point. The profile was poorly made with blurry, uncropped pics taken straight from her social media profiles. The lack of detail and legitimacy was apparent. Tomura felt terrible for the poor soul who probably fell for it, but it made him think…
Why not see how different the response would be if he ran a profile under someone else's guise. Someone more attractive, someone more affluent, and someone more famous. This was simply a social experiment; no harm would come from it of course. He would simply ghost anyone who wanted to meet, keeping all interactions virtual. Now who could he possibly pretend to be. without getting caught. Tomura's eyes finally settled on an Axe ad playing on tv featuring male model Keigo Takami. Mr. tall, blonde, and handsome would definitely attract the feminine masses.
Ding ding ding, it was like a bell went off in his head; he had found his new look. He started to scour the internet for any pictures of Hawks that weren't already posted to his socials and be sure to crop any evidence out. A few hours later, Tomura gazed over his final product. He thought it seemed too good to be true; he was sure that anyone with a working brain would know the profile was clearly a catfish. It was too clean, too pristine, and too perfect, but Tomura was tired of the profile's nit-picking details and saved his last changes. It was starting to get dark, and he had to begin his Comp Sci homework soon so he'd have time to play zombies on Call of Duty later.
Tomura woke to a multitude of buzzes notifying him of the several hundred matches he'd accumulated overnight on his Hawks profile. Apparently, no one had a working brain within the 15-mile radius. The messages were filled with tons of chicks he had seen on campus or in class. He even recognized the one from the Halloween party. He spent his morning smoke break, siphoning through the various contenders.
Too tall.
Too blonde.
Too ugly.
Until...
He finally stopped scrolling when he reached your profile; he had seen you before in his Major classes. You were a somewhat modest girl, always working to be an overachiever and teacher's pet. You hadn't spoken to him before, only forcing a smile when Tomura was caught staring at you in class. You were talented, beautiful, quiet, and you hadn't encountered Touya yet. You were everything he had wanted, and more. He started to type a message awaiting your response.
Keigo: "What's keeping you up this late, love ;)"
Tomura thought to keep it casual enough to fit his suave persona.
Y/N: "lol, just sum late night studying keeping me up."
Y/N: "won't lie im very nervous to texting you rn, i'm a big fan
Keigo: "it's gud knowing i have fans as cute as you ;p"
The conversation seemed to flow from there between you two, texting for almost two weeks strong. Tomura had learned so much about you in a short time, your favorite foods, your favorite color, favorite music, and your dislikes as well. Touya often came by his room to check in on Operation: Get Shiggy Some Pussy, only to be met with a "Fuck off," and yet another door slammed in his face.
You gushed over how lucky you were to be texting the one and only Keigo Takami. Of course, you were skeptical at first, but what kind of fucked up person would take the time to pretend to be another person? The conversation between you two was great and always kept you on your toes. Still, sometimes days would pass before you received a response; you chalked it to the fact that he was always busy as a celebrity and didn't always have time to respond to you.
You were currently lying in bed and unable to fall asleep; you peered at your phone to see that it was 2:05 am. You let out a sigh, preparing to stare at your ceiling until you finally fell asleep, only to be interrupted by a chime from your phone. It was a message from Keigo.
Keigo: you up? ;(
You instantly typed a response, scared that you had done something wrong.
Y/N: yup, what's wrong…?
Keigo: i'm so fucking hard rn baby ;(((
Oh shit, you hadn't prepared yourself for that response; maybe he injured himself at work or-
Keigo: you still there babe? send a pic ;p
You definitely hadn't prepared for that, but who were you to deny him. Keigo could've asked anyone else in the world, but he asked you. Not wanting to leave him waiting, you quickly shucked your shirt off and used your arm to push up your breasts, giving an illusion of the perfect push up bra. You promptly took several pics, taking the time to edit and select the ideal filters to complement your skin tone.
Y/N: 1 image sent
A bubble indicating him typing popped up instantly
Keigo: 3 images sent
Keigo: fuckkkk babe, ur such a tease
You opened the pics, feeling your panties dampen slightly. It was a cock, well Keigo's cock, fat and engorged, leaking pre-cum against his toned belly. He was mostly well-groomed, but a prominent white tuft of hair appears in the picture, making you wonder if Keigo was actually a natural blonde.
Keigo: 1 video sent
let me see that pretty pussy baby,
It was a video of Keigo languidly stroking his cock, how romantic. It was only right for a gorgeous man like Keigo to have a pretty cock to match. What he lacked in girth was definitely made up for in length, complemented with a slight curve that could definitely reach that itch that none of your toys could scratch. By now, you had ditched your panties and started to slowly start to fuck yourself open with one finger at a time. You started recording and angled the phone against your pillow, trying to capture you desperately fucking yourself on your fingers, letting out a small whimper with each thrust.
Y/N: 1 video sent
You began to fuck yourself vigorously, dragging the accumulated slick over your clit with slow, circular strokes. You felt your orgasm on the brink, growing more restless and desperate, humping reverently at your fingers, whimpering desperately; you were so close...There was a sudden surge of fluid from your core, incoherent mumbles leaving your mouth as you kept carefully fucked yourself through your climax. The post-orgasm bliss lulling you to sleep, your eyes had finally fluttered shut, only to be awakened by another chime.
Keigo: 1 image sent
look @ all that cum baby, its all for you ;)
Y/N: when can we meet? my fingers can only work for so long :p
Read: 2:53 am
Aw man, maybe he fell asleep. You were definitely fighting sleep at this point as well, finally closing your eyes, satisfied for the night.
Tomura struggled to catch his breath, reaching for his discarded shirt to wipe the sticky cum off of his stomach. That was the third time this month you'd ask about a meeting, and it was frankly starting to piss him off. He'd have to come up with something fast if he wanted to keep you around. Even though he didn't have much of a moral compass left in his body, the feeling of guilt was hard to ignore. You didn't deserve to be roped into his fucked up social experiment…
A yawn interrupted Tomura's guilty thoughts. He could continue to feel guilty when he wakes up tomorrow.
The following week your prayers had been answered, Keigo finally agreed to meet! It had been such a bittersweet feeling. What if he thought you looked nothing like your profile pictures? Would he reject you and run the other way, screaming? You tried to push your doubtful feelings down by distracting yourself with running errands. Finding the perfect outfit to wear, getting every inch of your body waxed, and picking up a lacy red lingerie set.
Upon getting back to your apartment, you found a red bouquet of roses on the doormat. They were clearly store-bought and not of excellent quality… but it's the thought that counts!
Lots of celebrities were frugal, and of course, Keigo was no different. After further inspection, a small white card with an address and time. You searched the address finding a mid-grade hotel on the outskirts of the city. Keigo was definitely a (cheap) frugal man dedicated to his discretion. Soon realizing that the time on the card was approaching, you quickly ran to shower and primp yourself for the evening. Not even thinking to question how he found your address in the first place...
You had finally arrived at the sketchy hotel, noting that there were little to no cars in the parking lot and noting that none of them looked like they belonged to Keigo. You wandered through the lobby until you finally reached the elevator, tapping the button for the 5th floor. You tried to shake off your pre-meeting jitters, you already knew everything would be fine, but you couldn't shake the feeling of something wrong...
Those intrusive thoughts were soon interrupted by the chime that indicated you had reached your floor. You took a deep breath as you stepped off the elevator, pacing yourself as you walked to your destination.
Room 555
How fitting, you thought. Your knuckles rasped against the door several times.
"Come in." A voice sounded through the door.
You peeked your head around the door before taking a step in the room, not being able to locate the owner of the voice. You gasped after taking the appearance of the room. The room had rose petals haphazardly strewn across the floor. Candles flickered on the dresser, a bubble bath was run in the bathroom, and to top it off, a too cheap bottle of champagne on ice.
There was clearly an effort made, which made your heart swoon, hoping to put a real face to the man you've been speaking to for the past few months, you said out into the empty room.
"Keigo, I like what you've done with the place. You can come out now," you giggled.
"I'm glad you got the flowers," a raspy voice responded.
.......Huh?
Your joy instantly crushed, having heard Keigo's voice multiple times in the interviews you've seen, it sounded nothing like that. Unless he'd suddenly started chain-smoking within the past few months. A loud alarm started going off in your head. It was definitely time to go.
You twirled on your heels and reached for the doorknob, only to be stopped by a hand gripping your upper arm.
"Leaving so soon? The bathwater is still warm…" The mystery voice informed.
"Oh… I think I have the wrong room, so sorry about that." You squeaked, attempting to reach the door again only to be dragged into a bony chest.
Your chin was tilted, forcing you to meet eyes with "Keigo." Who was actually a porcelain-skinned tower of a man with shaggy white hair that had an oddly familiar look to him?
"Let me go! You're not Keigo!" You screamed, hoping to alert any other guests on the floor.
"Fucking took you long enough. I thought you were smarter than those other bitches on campus. Tomura balked, struggling to keep you still in his grasp.
Campus. That's where you recognized the face and voice of your captor, you were both in the same Comp Sci class, and you'd often caught him staring as you worked, chalking it up to you having something on your face or in your teeth. The realization caused tears to spurt from your eyes.
"Poor baby, didn't mommy and daddy teach you to not speak to strangers on the internet?"
"I-I thought y-you were K-Keigo," you gasped, struggling to control your sobs.
"Well, I'm not. Get over it." Tomura slurred, placing sloppy kisses over your collar bone, slowly backing you towards the bed.
You couldn't bring yourself to move or fight anymore, body stiff with fear. Your sobs increase in volume after feeling your legs make contact with the edge of the bed. You didn't know this man from a can of paint, and here he is about to assault you.
"Stop crying before I leak those sexy little videos you shared with "Keigo." Imagine if everyone in the class knew how much of an easy slut you are?" Tomura hissed, shoving you unto the stiff mattress, springs squeaking as you bounced.
You cradled your mouth, struggling to stifle your sobs. Why hadn't you recognized the signs sooner? You spent so much time looking at the situation through rose-colored lenses that you had utterly neglected your safety. But it wasn't the time to feign sympathy for yourself. You needed to take action, and soon—the shaggy haired stranger dragging your motionless body towards the end of the headboard.
"Wait!" You gasped, hoping that you could possibly reason with your captor.
"What's your name?
This was your final chance to escape. You suddenly kicked forward, aiming for his face, failing miserably as it was blocked. Both legs were then shoved into a mating press, granting Tomura the space to press himself even closer to you.
A groan left Tomura's mouth, frotting against your clothed mound, smothering your neck with sloppy saliva drenched kisses. You cowered at the feeling, curling away from his advances. The dry humping continued until a final groan of desperation was released. He was too grown for this shit and didn't feel like going home with stained boxers when your sweet heat was right in front of him.
The red bodycon dress you decided on was shredded down the middle, leaving you in your lingerie set. You added that to the list of things you were already regretting, moving to cover yourself the best you could. Your efforts to preserve the crumb of modesty you had left were futile, both hands knocked out of the way.
"You don't have to hide princess, I think Christmas came early.” “You're wrapped so pretty, baby." He chuckled, moving to fondle your breasts. Taking the time to pinch and pull at both nipples, drawing small hesitant gasps.
"I'll play with these more later. You don't know how long I've waited to play with that cute little pussy in person." You felt your panties tugged to the side, embarrassed with the amount of arousal accumulated below. The feeling was soon replaced with horror after feeling the tip of his cock dragged between your slit.
Tomura used the residual slick to grease his cock, bypassing the need to stretch you out. He pressed forward, forcing himself inside, pausing to catch his breath. Damn... it's been a long time.
You yelped in pain, closing your eyes in hopes of blocking out the situation at hand. You felt him start to pick up his pace, causing small tinges of pain to course through your body.
"Mmmm, open your eyes. I want you to watch me fuck you." He gasped, realizing you hadn't complied yet, he landed a firm slap on your cheek. "Not only are you dumb, but you're also deaf too… open. SMACK your. SMACK fucking. SMACK eyes."
Your eyes shot open, brimming with tears, finding yourself face to face with your captor. His eyes were closed in ecstasy, dainty white lashes framing the lids, traces of dry patches on his face. He wasn't ugly. You'd honestly give him a chance if he asked you out like a decent human being.
His pace had gained traction, hips crashing against yours. You found yourself slowly succumbing to the pleasure, discreetly fucking yourself against him. You wanted to protest and resist against him, but with your inhibitions lowered, you found it hard to comply. Each thrust pulling you further into the abyss that was your impending orgasm. Your lust-filled thoughts being interrupted by the stranger's incoherent mumbling.
"Tomura."
"Huh?" you whimpered, not fully understanding what he said.
"My name is Tomura."
"Okay and mine i-"
"Shut up and say my name." Tomura's thrusts were sporadic, signaling his impending climax. "Beg me to cum…... please."
You barely registered the final demand, not recognizing the soft tone of his voice.
"T-tomura, p-please let me cum!" you begged, right on edge needing something, anything to push you over.
Two nimble, callused fingers drew delicate circles over your clit, forcing you to writhe and sob as your orgasm coursed through your body. The feeling that followed was one of warmth as Tomura came, slowing his thrusts until he collapsed, encasing you in his arms.
Your eyes fluttered shut with your post-orgasm haze lulling you to sleep until a wet, sticky substance trickled along your inner thigh...
What the fuck....
You nearly launched yourself from the bed, fighting to separate yourself from your captor's arms.
"What is wrong with you?"
"You didn't use a condom," you wailed, tears perched at the corner of your eyes. You didn't have the time for a child, you were doing great in classes, your parents would reject you, you'd be stuck playing house with some stranger and-
"Stop muttering. You're fucking up my nap. I'll buy a Plan B when I wake up." Tomura mumbled into the pillow, dragging you back into his chest.
You continued to fight his grasp, pausing after feeling a firm pinch to your side. Fighting was futile at this point, and you couldn't fully assess the situation until you had some decent sleep.
Closing your eyes for a few seconds wouldn't hurt…right?
#bnha x reader#yandere bnha#bnha smut#shiggy x reader#tomura shigaraki x reader#tomura x reader#mha x reader#mha imagines#mha x y/n#tw: noncon#tw: manipulation#tw: slapping#tw: dumbification
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Things that people/characters judge Ron by /use as a joke that makes 0 sense to me
So as we all know. We read the books from Harry’s point of view. Here are my issues with how Ron was treated.
1. His food habits - this has to be the most annoying part about the series. J.K Rowling is partly to blame. She is always highlighting how Ron’s on his ‘sixth chocolate frog’ or how he’s always hungry, or going further on about his food habits, that it overrides moments of when Ron shares food or plates it for other people. For instance
'Course, once Dumbledore turned up on your side, there was no way they were going to convict you,' said Ron happily, now dishing great mounds of mashed potato on to everyone's plates.
One sentence, simple, no elaboration, just a simple ‘on to everyone’s plates’, much easier to forget than something like this
'Oh, yes,' said Nick, who seemed glad of a reason to turn away from Ron, who was now eating roast potatoes with almost indecent enthusiasm. 'Yes, I have heard the Hat give several warnings before, always at times when it detects periods of great danger for the school. And always, of course, its advice is the same: stand together, be strong from within.'
'Ow kunnit nofe skusin danger ifzat?' said Ron.
His mouth was so full Harry thought it was quite an achievement for him to make any noise at all.
'I beg your pardon?' said Nearly Headless Nick politely, while Hermione looked revolted. Ron gave an enormous swallow and said, 'How can it know if the school's in danger if it's a Hat?'
'I have no idea,' said Nearly Headless Nick. 'Of course, it lives in Dumbledore's office, so I daresay it picks things up there.'
'And it wants all the houses to be friends?' said Harry, looking over at the Slytherin table, where Draco Malfoy was holding court. 'Fat chance.'
'Well, now, you shouldn't take that attitude,' said Nick reprovingly. 'Peaceful co-operation, that's the key. We ghosts, though we belong to separate houses, maintain links of friendship. In spite of the competitiveness between Gryffindor and Slytherin, I would never dream of seeking an argument with the Bloody Baron.'
'Only because you're terrified of him,' said Ron.
Nearly Headless Nick looked highly affronted.
Terrified? I hope I, Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, have never been guilty of cowardice in my life! The noble blood that runs in my veins -'
'What blood?' asked Ron. 'Surely you haven't still got - ?'
'It's a figure of speech!' said Nearly Headless Nick, now so annoyed his head was trembling ominously on his partially severed neck. 'I assume I am still allowed to enjoy the use of whichever words I like, even if the pleasures of eating and drinking are denied me! But I am quite used to students poking fun at my death, I assure you!'
'Nick, he wasn't really laughing at you!' said Hermione, throwing a furious look at Ron.
Unfortunately, Ron's mouth was packed to exploding point again and all he could manage was 'Node iddum eentup sechew,' which Nick did not seem to think constituted an adequate apology. Rising into the air, he straightened his feathered hat and swept away from them to the other end of the table, coming to rest between the Creevey brothers, Colin and Dennis.
'Well done, Ron,' snapped Hermione
As you all see, J.K Rowling went out of her way to make the way Ron is eating noticed, and the way Harry and Hermione react to it. I absolutely hate this. I hate how the characters look at his food habits and I hate the way readers now remember him by. Ron is about 6′3 (maybe even taller), he is a teenage boy who is GROWING, and is also skinny. It is COMPETLEY NORMAL for him to eat like how he does. He is the YOUNGEST SON of 5 older brothers, he is used to having to eat food quickly. I don’t understand why this became a thing of judgement, he is allowed to be hungry. When other character’s are hungry, it’s fine, no one addresses it, but when it’s Ron of course Hermione has to look disgusted. Meanwhile, look at the reaction’s the occur when Harry is hungry...
"So you persuaded Horace Slughorn to take the job?"
Harry nodded, his mouth so full of hot soup that he could not speak.
"He taught Arthur and me," said Mrs. Weasley. "He was at Hog-warts for ages, started around the same time as Dumbledore, I think. Did you like him?"
His mouth now full of bread, Harry shrugged and gave a noncommittal jerk of the head.
"I know what you mean," said Mrs. Weasley, nodding wisely. "Of course he can be charming when he wants to be, but Arthur's never liked him much. The Ministry's littered with Slughorn's old favorites,
No looks of disgust from Mrs. Weasley? If it was Ron I bet you Mrs. Weasley would have been like, ‘slow down Ron!’ or something to shame him for being hungry and this is just not O.K. LET RON EAT. LET HIM BE A GROWING BOY. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SHAMED FOR BEING HUNGRY?
Okay onto number 2. His insecurities.
In my opinion, it started off O.K and then after GOF it became something that was like..characters were like ‘yeah O.K Ron’s insecure we get it,’ like in GOF Hermione goes from understanding him to the point where she explains to Harry, don’t you see, it’s hard for him always being compared to people, to OOTP where she’s like shut up with your jealousy Ron you’re sooo annoying. It particularly pisses me off in HBP when Hermione is like going out of her way to compliment Harry and Ron is clearly annoyed with it. And Hermione just ignores Ron like it’s an inconvenience that he’s insecure. I personally would never go out of my way to compliment one friend and ignore the other, especially when tha other friend looks bothered. We see this trend with other characters, who make fun of him for being insecure. The whole Weasley is our King is literally a song that abuses Ron’s lack of confidence in order to make him choke up in quidditch, and no one thinks nor cares about the seriousness of just how insecure Ron is that even other houses can recognize it to use it for their advantage. They just roll their eyes at it like ‘ugh Ron stop being insecure’ and I feel like he deserved more sensitivity, rather than make it like, Ron needs to stop being an insecure prat. Harry is the KING of brushing out other peoples problems because he’s Harry Potter and he has BIGGER PROBLEMS. They ignored Ron to the point where Harry was surprised as to what was coming out of the locket, Harry should have known, he should have not treated it like a minor inconvenience.
Number 3. His lack of ‘compassion,’ or ‘empathy’
We see it highlighted a few times. Harry has described Ron as lacking empathy in situations, or in being too blunt. And these situations tend to be, well, not serious situations, they’re also situations where he is 14 years old. However, when Ron is showing empathy and emotion it’s always brushed off. Like how he cried during Dumbledore’s funeral. Or how he was dealing with Harry’s tantrums, or how he was able to diffuse tension with jokes. It makes Ron appear as if he’s emotionally underdeveloped, but this is not the case, Ron lacks in lady knowledge, what teenage boys don’t? The reality is that Ron knows when to be serious, he IS emotionally mature. When Sirius dies he doesn’t interrogate Harry like Hermione does, he knows when to draw the boundary and respect space.
Number 4. His status.
It’s often highlighted how he is poor, is a ‘nobody’, or is Harry’s friend by other characters. We see it in HBP with the slug club, we see it with the Slytherin’s. Here is my issue with this...yes he is a Weasley..but let’s look at all the Weasley’s. We have Bill, a curse breaker who married a Veela, Charlie a dragon hunter, Percy, who is high up in the ministry, Fred and George, who have a funny swagger and are popular with everyone, and Ginny, Ms. Badass. I just don’t understand why he was the only Weasley who really got made fun of for being well, a Weasley, why was it RON? Even in the slug club I don’t get it, Slughorn liked people with connections, wouldn't he have had connections by Bill being is brother, or like his aunties? Cormac was taken in because of his uncle...And of course Ginny get’s invited.
Number 5. The downplay of his accomplishments and the highlight of when he messes up.
By convenience we don’t get to see How Gryffindor won the quidditch cup in fifth year because of Grawp, but we got to see him failing miserably before-hand. We don’t see him duelling the death eaters in the ministry, but we see him with the brains, although we know what he’s done, due to another character, or Ron telling us what he’s done, the readers get a limited amount of how many times that is actually described.
Number 6. The tone J.K Rowling uses with Ron’s descriptions.
Huge pet peeve of mine was how J.K Rowling decided to describe Ron’s owls marks. She gave Harry’s all laid out, and all we get for Ron is ‘Harry saw no O’s’ only to see that next book, they’re cleared for the exact same classes, meaning he got Exceeds Expectations in everything Harry did, like wtf? With ‘Harry saw no O’s’ that could mean 11 P’s, the only reason we know this is not the case is because Ron highlights how he only failed divination and history of magic, and how Molly says he got more than the twins combined. Without this, readers could have assumed anything as all they had to go by was ‘Harry saw no O’s,’ UGH it still bothers me.
All in all, I think there was a tone implied in the novels that tried to downplay Ron’s character. And it’s sad because I think J.K Rowling knew she created such a likeable complex character, so she downplayed it. Making Ron suffer in the process.
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Jurassic Park 4: Doki Idol Live Festival!
magic5ball submitted:
Remember how you asked me about my idea for a Jurassic Park sequel? Well, here you go:
The two velociraptors stood outside a pastel colored town house in Hokkaido prefecture, Japan. If any passerbys thought that was weird, they certainly didn’t show it. Probably because the raptors were wearing fedoras and fake mustaches, so they looked like humans. Also they had guns. Very cool, very intimidating mobster guns. A tommy gun and a sawed-off shotgun, respectively.
You needed guns, to survive Shinzo Abe’s little empire of vice and socialized medical care.
“So this is the place, huh?” muttered the velociraptor carrying the sawed-off shotgun. His thick Brooklyn accent hung in the air like concrete. “Kinda… frillier than I was expecting.”
“It better be.” Replied his companion, who sounded like your racist conservative uncle trying to impersonate that one cool guy from ‘The Godfather’ (You know, the one with the mustache who was played by Robert de Niro). “We hadda kill a whole lotta people to get this hellhole.”
Sawed-off shotgun licked his non-existent lizard lips
“But hey. That airplane stewardess tasted mighty fine goin-“
“Oh, for f*ck’s sake, would ya stop thinkin’ with your stomach and help me with this f*ckin’ knob!” cried tommy gun, trying to work the doorknob best he could with his raptor claws, which, in all honesty, wasn’t much, because raptor claws are terrible at operating things meant for human fingers. Little did he know, the door was a ‘pull’, not a ‘push.
At least he didn’t have to wait long before someone unlocked the door from the other side: another velociraptor, this one a bit on the short side. And p!ssed. Very, very p!ssed. You could tell he was the cool one because he wore an eyepatch over one eye. An eyepatch with a Captain Underpants logo on it.
“Didn’t your parent’s ever teach you idiots about using the doorbell?! I was just about to enjoy lunch with my beautiful wife and you-!“
He paused, recognizing the two figures facing him.
“Well, well, well” Said tommy gun, cocking his weapon “If it isn’t SWEET JOHN HAMMOND’S BALLSACK WHAT THE F*CK AM I LOOKING AT?!”
For the cool raptor was dressed in a gothic Lolita maid outfit, complete with a bonnet and penny loafers. Under his arm he carried a human sized pillow depicting what appeared to be a blonde floozy with massive tits.
“Oh this? This is Mami Tomoe, my beautiful wife.”
“WHAT THE F*CK!?!?” Tommy gun pulled out a flask off orange Fanta from his butthole and drank the whole thing in one go. He did NOT have time for this homosexual weeaboo nonsense! Still, he and shotgun hadn’t left a mountain of corpses the exact height and width as Mt. Fuji behind them. Too many to go back to Isla Nublar empty handed. Er, clawed. Because they were dinosaurs. Who have claws.
Shotgun took a deep breath. “What the Boss means to say is, ‘May we take refuge in this fine establishment?’”
Cool raptor opened his mouth to reveal a pistol he’d hidden there. And by hidden I mean replaced his tongue with it.
“You know, for all crap you guys used to give me in the past, I oughta pump you full of lead right here and now. Buuutttt… the lady of the house is present, and I’m not in the mood to create more work on her end. So come on in! You’re just in time for lunch.”
Lest they attract unneeded attention, the three dinosaurs hopped inside.
. . .
Lunch was omurice boba tea with a bottle of teriyaki sauce on the side. It was just boba tea, but the boba had been replaced by omurice because F-Bomb hated the flavor of boba, which he likened to rabbit crap. The teriyaki sauce was teriyaki sauce.
It was the most racist thing shotgun had ever eaten.
“Well, now that you jerks have gotten a taste of my sloppy seconds, I suppose some introductions are in order. You’ve already met my lovely wife” Cool raptor gestured to the body pillow seated next to him “So that leaves you two. Mami, meet A-Hole and D-Bag. A-Hole’s got the tommy gun, D-Bag is ridin’ her sawed off shotgun, as always. They’re old… acquaintances of mine.”
“He.” Corrected D-Bag. “I’ve been using he/him pronouns six months now.”
“Well that’s an improvement. Now instead of bein’ the Boss’ side B!tch literally, you’re just his b!tch figuratively!”
“Well screw you too, F-Bomb!” laughed the boss. “An’ speakin’ of screwing, what’s with the fruity get up? You a prostitute now or something?”
“Even better! This might surprise you, but I’ve got legitimate work now. This here’s my uniform, my uniform for MILF TIDDIES!”
A-Hole chugged his entire bottle of teriyaki sauce in one go, lest his mind implode from the sheer stupidity of that sentence.
“The Hell’s a milf tiddie!?”
“Only the best freakin’ maid café in Hoikaido, hookers!”
He gestured to a wall, covered in hundreds of photos of cute floozies dressed like they were attending a vampire’s funeral. Among them was a photo of F-Bomb in his drag, serving a deep fried hot dog to some elderly Japanese dude.
“As you can see, yours truly is serving Japan’s national desert to none other than 57th Prime Minister of Japan Shinzo Abe!”
“Hold it up. Youse been hobnobbing it with politicians?!”
“I wish! You’re thinking of Shinzo Abe, 57th Prime Minister of Japan. This guy is his twin brother. Still pretty sweet though. We DID win a Grammy for that, after all.”
A-Holes eyes bulged out of his scaly raptor head.
“YOUSE WON A GRAMMY FOR THAT?!”
“Dang right! Milf Tiddies has won sixteen Grammys since I started working there!” He pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. A very special piece of paper, if the six holes punched into it were any indication. “Did you know that if you win ten Grammys in a row, they give you a free orphan? That’s how the wife and I got our glorious daughter, Lil’ Nagisa!”
F-Bomb pulled a faded photo out of his wallet. A photo showing himself, his pillow wife, and a smaller body pillow of a ten-year-old moeblob wearing a Green Bay Packers cheesehead helmet.
“So youse couldn’t even conceive your own kid?” Inquired D-Bag sexily. He was munching his omurice slowly, so F-Bomb knew he was being serious.
“Are you implying I have sex with my own wife, you sick freak?! I’m a weeaboo, not some degenerate anime fanboy! Get it straight!” He instinctively cocked the pistol in his throat. It was awesome as hell.
In response, D-Bag pumped his shotgun. Loudly.
“Permission to put the sick freak out of his misery, Boss?”
“Firstly, don’t call me Boss when we’re not having anal sex. Second, no can do, my spicy lover. We need F-Bomb alive.”
F-Bomb heard all of this even though A-Hole whispered it, but he pretended not to make A-Hole feel clever.
D-Bag mumbled about how the Boss was lucky he was so mind blowing in the sack, otherwise he would have left the relationship long ago. The sack in this case being a really kinky sex dungeon. Like really kinky. So kinky even Donald Trump wouldn’t go within a mile of it. D-Bag had almost died of autoerotic asphyxiation more times than I’ve gone to the bathroom in my lifetime. That’s why he was the smartest dinosaur out of the three of them. Now where was I again?
Anyway, F-Bomb interrogated
“Alright guys, what’s the deal? I know folks who come to this socialized medical care infested hellhole, and they don’t come here just to eat omurice boba tea. You WANT me for something.”
He cocked his mouth-pistol again. Sparks flew all over the carpet, which was made of alpaca fur so it didn’t catch fire.
A-Hole scandalously kept his cool.
“It’s about Isla Nublar.”
The second those words left A-Hole’s lips, F-Bomb escorted his wife out of the kitchen, but leaned her against the kitchen door, because that’s what she would have wanted.
“Well what about it? I told ya guys, I’m done with that dump.”
“They’re puttin’ the screws on us, F-Bomb. Making us pay for eating those tourists back in the nineties.”
“And what makes you think I care? Like I said, I’m done with that place. I got a wife and kid now.”
“But F-Bomb, doesn’t the Park mean ANYTHING to ya!? What about the time we ate that park ranger that called you a girl? ‘Better than sex’ I recall you saying.”
“Nice try, but I’m not exactly in the mood to get misgendered again. Don’t you guys got any ideas that don’t involve me?”
“As a matter of fact, yours truly had this really spectacular one!”
D-Bag did a hand gesture wherein he constantly crossed his dinosaur claws across his throat rapidly in quick succession. A-Hole, being very smart, knew this meant he should continue, loudly enough so that everyone in the prefecture could hear.
“It was called ‘Trump Ballz’. We’d harvest Donald Trump’s testicles, see, and sell them to the highest bidder, so they could do whatever people do with lopped off testicles. I’m not one to judge. It was a terrific idea. I know because when I told my best friend Donald Trump about it, he said, ‘A-Hole, this is an incredible idea. Absolutely terrific! This is probably the best idea in America! You are very smart, very intelligent dinosaur! I oughta buy you a prostitute!’ Of course, we didn’t realize that Trump’s ballz don’t grow back when you lop them off. Did you know that by the way? Human testicles don’t grow back-“
F-Bomb cocked the pistol inside his throat gain, getting the Boss to shut up. This was probably the most heroic thing anyone had ever done in the history of the universe. He also asked a question:
“SO WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ME?!”
A-Hole vomited a severed arm and a pamphlet onto the table.
“EVERYTHING, ya WEEB trash!”
The pamphlet was for something called the Doki Idol Live Fest- DILF, for short. F-Bomb was no stranger to the DILF, but they had parted ways years ago. Six, to be exact, when he had buried Nico Yazawa’s still screaming corpse by the side of the highway. And neither was he stranger to the prize.
It looked like a beer and soda drinking baseball cap, but only to complete idiots who didn’t know crap about the Idol Life.
And F-Bomb wasn’t one of those people, er dinosaurs.
“THE MCGUFFIN OF SIN?!”
“Dam* straight! And like it or not, youse the only one with enough idol know-how to help us win it! Thing’s worth, like, a zillion dollars.”
A zillion in this case was equivalent to half a million. Still, isn’t that impressive?
F-Bomb stuck his nose in his omurice and snorted, a common intimidation tactic among velociraptors. I know because I read it in the Scientific American.
“Sorry, guys, but even with that on the line, no can do. I’m DONE with the Idol Life, any I’m not letting you filthy casuals drag me back in.” He cocked the pistol in his throat. “NOW SCRAM!”
A-Hole and D-Bag jumped out a window, so they could get the jump on a feral dog humping its’ owner. Nobody realized they were dinosaurs because of their fake mustaches, so it looked like a pair of mobsters were eating a puppy.
When they were gone, F-Bomb pranced to the bathroom, which was filled with plush alpacas he had collected over the years. So many, in fact, the bathroom did not meet OSHA compliance. Which was why F-Bomb had made it an independent nation state, only to realize that OSHA didn’t apply to him anyway, since he lived in Japan.
He had felt really stupid after that, but at least he got his own country out of it.
Anyway, he vomited sixteen liters of blood into the sink, for F-Bomb had a secret: he was dying. Back when he was a fetus in an egg in a lab on some island in the Caribean, he’d become addicted to the illegal street drug known as WEEB, and frequent use had poisoned his lungs. The doctors had given him Socialized Medical Care and four more years to live. The WEEB had taken eighty years off his life. Socialized Medical Care had borrowed his lawnmower and never given it back.
But F-Bomb also had a dream: he and his wife were going to build their own maid café, and it would be even better than MILF Tiddies. He’d already picked a title: DILF Tiddies, and it was going to be the greatest food-selling establishment in the history of Japan. Omurice boba tea was going to go global. But he’d never get the funds on time, not on his meager salary. Unless…
His beautiful wife greeted him as he exited the bathroom.
“Get a pen and some razor blades, sweetgums. I’ve got a letter to send.”
. . .
The message arrived in the neck of a mailman’s severed head. This is the traditional way velociraptors send letters to each other. I read it in a book.
D-Bag didn’t see the letter, but the look on A-Hole’s face told him everything.
“What’d I tell ya, D-Bag? Like I always say, when you’re dino you’re dino all the way, till youse dead in the ground or youse come out as gay!”
“Yeah, we really need to update those lyrics.”
End Chapter 1
...I cannot for the life of me decide if this is the greatest thing I've ever seen or the worst, but it at the very least had me staring speechless at my computer screen for a long time.
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So Uhm, CAW anon here. I haven’t been into Hetalia for years. But I feel like talking about a few things I noticed back in fandom a lot that I didn’t see at all in the canon manga/anime (though Hetalia itself is just a fanfic of history. I’m only focusing on character and relationships present in the canon series).
Ok a lot has probably changed since the last couple of years in fandom. But back then I saw a lot of depictions of the FACE group: England and Canada not having much of a relationship. France and Canda being the closest while France and America aren’t close at all. America and Canada having a strained if not dysfunctional brotherly bond. Canada having no backbone and being a sad sack all the time or just being a pure angel with no flaws. America being too childish.
I’m going to try to remember all the canon bits to back me up. But I’m mostly curious if there’s anything off and your (most likely much more up to date and informed) thoughts.
Canada and England have a pretty good relationship from what I’ve seen. We’ve sen plenty of material of England being present in colony Canada’s life. He used to cook for him too (poor Canada) and Canada spent almost about the same amount of time with him as America did. Later on Canada chose Enlgand over America when the colonies revolted. He didn’t want to pick a side but in the end he did. He fought against American troops. Was there when England was heartbroken over the fighting. He even acted as a strategist, using his knowledge as America’s twin brother to use America’s weaknesses against him (sending surrender papers inside a basket of food. America was so hungry it took George Washington telling him to resist to not take the bait). Later on when America and Canada were trying to mend their relationship. Canada would get so nervous and have England talk for him all the time instead (which only confused America). England did it without any fuss despite any issues he and America might still have. Overall Canada recalls having a good childhood and England was a part of that. The two might not be as close as America and England are, but they have their own history and bond both are very comfortable and happy with each other.
America and Canada. Fans I ran into often focused on America and England’s dynamic history. But the North American brothers have a lot of their own turmoil and strength to them as well. While Canada might,moan about being invisible and such. Canada also remembers having a very fun childhood with America. So much he remembers how sad he was when America grew up much faster then him and couldn’t play with him all the time like he used to. When Canada told America he didn’t want to fight, only to choose England, America felt betrayed. He loved Canada and wanted his twin brother to fight for freedom with him. Their relationship went pretty sour for a long time. But the two did end up trying to be mature later on in life and congratulate each other despite how annoyed they are at how different the other is.
From there we only get brother goodness. They can bug each other a lot. Canada takes for granted everything America has done and gone through, things that have also been good for Canada. While America likes to mess with Canada and act pushy with him. They do like to horse around and spend time together. Despite their differences, they’re probably the closest siblings in the world of nations. They’ve gone through their bitterness and still chose to be close brothers in the end. They like to play sports together. They like to use their appearances to mess with England who can’t tell them apart like France can. They call each other on the phone a lot. They have a joint Search for Santa Claus operations every winter. America respects Canada’s opportunity and ability to easily get along with others. He also takes Canada’s concerns very seriously and offers reasonable and helpful advice such as how to help his citizens get along. Canada’s opinions must mean a lot to him since Canada is the only individual to make America cry in despair when he went into his 3 hour insult rant against him. Despite his complaints about his personality, Canada looks up to America as a big brother who he always goes to for comfort or help. He respects and admires America a lot and trusts him as his closest confidante (after his polar bear. Not that that bear is ever helpful). Overall America and Canada have their downs like every sibling pair has. But they also seem to have a very strong and stable connection where they can act like brothers and best friends. Sometimes I think it’s easier to imagine America is closer to Canada then he is to England.
America and France. Back then these two didn’t get a lot of attention. Which is strange because there’s tons of material of them interacting throughout the centuries. France used to cook for America when England wasn’t around (I bet when Colony America said English food was as good as French food, some thing broke inside France. The reason America started disliking English food is because France made it his mission to salvage some of his tastebuds. Xp). France has been the only FACE member to stay by America’s side without conflict. Both of them obviously had a close bond since France gave America Lady Liberty and you could see teasing and ruffling America’s hair like a big brother. The two hang out a lot. They go to Maid Cafes together. They seem to have lunch together all the time at conferences since France is always looking for America to go eat together. They apparently also have sleepovers a lot and like to compare different genres of movies. Whatever issues their people can have with each other never seems to affect their personal interactions. France is the big brother of love and that’s sometimes a running gag for jokes. But he really seems to be like a normal big brother figure for America. He often worries about America and Russia’s scary relationship and chides England for raising America to be weird. In a deleted strip, France is preventing America from drinking alcohol because he’s too young (being physically 19). It also gets a bit heartwarming when you recall the Joan of arc strips where France meets the reincarnation of Joan and she’s an American. Almost like America is now taking care of Joan and giving her the opportunity to be free and happy in ways she couldn’t before.
Also while it’s not part of their dynamic. It’s always interesting that when the author wanted to show the Nation’s personal relationships with humanity. He always chose America and France. The supposed happy go lucky airheads who often gain a affectionate yet somber (to even downright tragic) experience from it.
Overall America and France have a nice quiet and stable relationship. You could say while England raised America as a colony. France was among the mentors to America on how to be his own Nation.
I think that’s it. Again my memory might be foggy but that’s what I can recall. =P
~~~
WAIT A MINUTE YOU’RE ALSO A HETALIAN??? AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME???
Okay, I’m going to prioritize this ask/submission thing first because wow, you’re a Hetalian and Hetalia has a special place in my heart. First of all, I’m kind of flattered that you think that I’m up to date for this, hahaha. I’ll have to tell you, while I do know a lot about American history, I’m actually more of a fan of the Itabros, hehehe.
A few tumblr people that I know specialize in Hetalia and have already posted FACE dynamics a lot in the blogs are, but not limited to: @historihet @stirringwinds and @ellawritesficssometimes. I’m not sure if Ella is still active, but there’s a lot of content that you can browse through if I’m not thorough. Also, again, the list of tumblrs that have been associated with FACE are definitely more than I can imagine, those are the three that I follow and know off the top of my head.
To @historihet @stirringwinds @ellawritesficssometimes, I love your interpretations and love for history! If I say anything inaccurate or something you don’t find to your liking, please inform me! I don’t want to spread misinformation and I’m just so excited to talk about Hetalia to my dear Anon Friend :D
If you’re reading this, I hope that you all have a wonderful day! And keep up the great work with your own analyses/fanart/fanfiction/etc. You guys rock and keep the fandom alive. :D
Anywhoozles, what you said here is fairly accurate. FACE definitely has its up and downs. Assuming that you haven’t been active in the fandom since... let’s say 2012-2014ish era, you might have noticed that the common bonds are Canada and France (platonic), France and England (rivalry/lovers/enemies), and the most concerning relationship America and England (brothers/rivals/lovers???). What you said in your analysis really applies within the sense of what is considered to be manga/anime canon, not necessarily historical canon.
In historical canon (if you want to go down that route), FACE is one dysfunctional mess if you want to consider it as one family unit. Every one of them at one point has been at each other’s throat at one point (whether it be at war or just snubbing the other because of politics).
We have:
1. The Revolutionary War (England vs America)
2. War of 1812 (Canada/England vs America, with special emphasis in 1814 because Canada burned down America’s White House if I remember correctly)
3. The XYZ Affair (I’m pretty sure it was a snub in diplomacy??? which actually started a war???)
4. The fact that American promised to help France in their own revolution, but Washington said no because we’re still a new country and all that jazz (...I know this because of Hamilton IF YOU’RE ALSO A HAMILFAN I WILL CRY)
5. And like the entire history of France/England is just its own thing
As you can probably tell, FACE... I think was just a term for the fans to make this makeshift family dynamic that is cute in some respects if this was like a human au, but definitely a cluster of effs if you imagine them as eldritch abominations that were brought to life because of human imagination.
Like, the dynamics can go in so many directions if you want to choose one aspect of history over another.
In @stirringwinds, they often write/draw about America as this Prodigal son who happens to be like the Crown Prince succeeding his once proud father. (America turning into a superpower after the World Wars and the English Empire just kinda dismantling itself because of everything.... OF COURSE THAT’S AN OVERSIMPLIFICATION, PLEASE DON’T KILL ME FOR INACCURACY!
Whereas for another tumblr, @historihet they portray the USUK relationship as more of a ship. Like, the whole brother relationship that is skewed in the anime/dubs/subs (this is due to the fact that some fans take the whole older brother thing too literally because in Japan, you call your elders/peers that happen to be older than you via polite endearments) is more of a... I’m not gonna say paternal, but it was more of a mentor thing? I’m not sure, I haven’t interacted with them much, but I’m pretty sure they ship it. Plus, their art is so amazing and they’re obviously a fan of history because wow, their head canons and their art is so beautiful and detailed.
As for the whole France and Canada relationship, I think this can be further elaborated via @ellawritesficssometimes. I remember reading that France and Canada, while having a similar relationship to England and America, it wasn’t that close or as heartwarming as many fans make it out to be. If you follow Canadian history, I’m pretty sure Canada was under French rule for a sort time before becoming part of the English Empire. Like, Canada was part of the Empire for a longer time than under France. This means that France wasn’t always there, England was. You can further read between the lines about the English/Canadian relationships, especially if you consider the fact that America fought an entire revolution to get away from England because of neglect on England’s part and on Canada’s part.... all he had to do was ask.
Soooooo....
Overall, I’m glad that you told me that you were part of the Hetalia fandom. It’s nice to see that the fandom is still alive and kicking, hahah. That reminds me, I’ve got to finish my series concerning Italia Veneziano, oops. Just wondering, but why did you want to talk about this? Not that I mind, it just seems out of the blue...
Thanks for the analysis and your chat! I hope that you have a wonderful day! :D
Please don’t tell me you want a FACE fic, hahahah. XD
#hws#hetalia world stars#aph#axis power hetalia#hetalia axis powers#hetalia america#hetalia england#hetalia canada#hetalia france#aph america#aph england#aph canada#aph france#hws america#hws england#hws france#hws canada#devintrinidad author#devintrinidad#devin trinidad#devin trinidad author#caw anon#anon ask#submission
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@theeyethatbinds Girl SING IT. SING IT LOUDER FOR THE GIRLS IN THE BACK, SWEAR TO GOD.
Like I’m gonna be real wit y’all I was looking forward to le Comte for a while, but I was always side-eyeing Jeanne. He’s a blunt hermit and grump and 100% mood, so I hoped his route would give me more insight into how I feel about him.
Ladies. When I tell you. It was EXCELLENT. I mean there are so many gr9 routes in the game, I don’t want to take away from them, but there was just something about his that hit me so hard???? (MY KOKORO BROKORO)
More under the cut since his route won’t be out for a little while (we still got Isaac, then Theo, then Jeanne), as a little treat. As usual, pls don’t read if you don’t want spoilers, thanks!
Okay so going into this route I was fully expecting the big sads. I mean, if history has taught us anything it was that Joan D’Arc was a badass but good lord, that doesn’t mean the people of her time were kind to her. (I need to do more thorough research on her, so if I’m getting any of her pronouns wrong or neglect something, I do apologize.)
That being sad, I was like aight DECK MY SHIT WITH TRAGEDY, JEANNE. And at the beginning it’s p fascinating. He’s very ornery and resistant to any kind of consideration or attempts at friendship MC extends. But eventually, after a good deal of persistence, he relents little by little.
I’d also like to level with y’all for a sec. Being someone who knows a great deal in regards to the kinds of mental and emotional shit Jeanne struggles through, I think they handled that part of the route so, so well. Granted, I’m not the kind of person to launch a crusade over different writing styles--but for me it just feels all the more poignant when it makes sense; when certain dispositions or trauma are conveyed with that depth. To me, it made 100% sense that Jeanne would be so against accepting other people into his life immediately.
He and Mozart vibe because they’re so similar, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s comfortable letting just anyone in--much less a complete stranger. I think it’s more that Mozart and Jeanne share a kind of indelible bond/mutual recognition through their talent, actually. They were both prodigies, absolute geniuses in their fields (military vs. music) but their social skills were shot to hell for the very same reason. To be brilliant--beyond one’s potential posthumous legacy--tends to mean being hated. Plus, they’re both principled to absolute extremes. When they’ve decided on something, they will not waver. They’re stubborn and austere, but behind those walls lies a molten core of sensitivity.
This is important to understanding him, I think, before I move forward.
While one could argue that their reaction is a result of that deficiency of emotional and social support (which I entirely concede does contribute to the matter at hand, it shouldn’t be overlooked) I think the real crux of the matter here is control. Think about it. Among the oldest residents in the mansion (let’s say that were born more than 100 years within the range of the present period of the game) are Mozart, Jeanne, Isaac, and Shakespeare. What do they all have in common?
Extremity. For Mozart, it comes in the form of a kind of OCD, as perfectionism. For Jeanne, it is generalized anxiety and PTSD. For Isaac, it is primarily social anxiety--but it’s still noticeably severe. And Shakespeare runs around with a knife, insecurity through the roof, literally unable to trust anything or anyone (psychosis? schizoaffective? I’m really not sure, these are all ballpark assessments based on the evidence I have). In order to adjust to their new surroundings, there was a cost--and in some ways their coping mechanisms become noticeably maladaptive. They were born into eras that were mercilessly unpredictable, and the only way they knew how to cope was to was to either take the blame--make it a personal failing that tragedy struck--or try to immerse themselves into their craft. They all seek to regain some kind of control (this is even visible in Vincent, to a degree--painting was an escape from his emotionally turbulent world).
Granted that’s not to say that the others don’t struggle with such issues at all, I just feel like the characters from more unstable time periods tend (as a general trend) to mirror that instability within their personalities.
All that being said, (I apologize I am a tangent-monger and love meta), Jeanne’s self-imposed isolation is only partially caused by the above dynamic. Yes, he is unwilling to let people into his heart for fear of betrayal. (It’s almost like an entire nation clamoring to watch you burn for something you didn’t do after spending your entire life and talents trying to protect them would do that to you, but I digress >:| ). But there’s another devastating and potentially less obvious reason for keeping people out.
He thinks he deserves it.
Loneliness, melancholy, aimlessness. These are all the punishments that he incurred on himself after a life of what he conceives to be considerable sin (hahaha battlefield enemies go ripppp). Whether or not he was operating purely out of a sense of duty, even if he felt sympathy for his enemy combatants, it’s not enough. And the condemnation of his king, of his entire nation, only served to magnify that self-loathing to a dangerous degree. (Don’t get me started on his parents I’m still so angry >:| they more or less disowned him since he was constitutionally weak as a young boy, and thus could not serve as an adequate farmhand. Don’t work? Don’t eat/live).
It’s hard enough living in a reserved way because you’re afraid of getting hurt, but to think that you deserve it when hurt finds you, no less? And my favorite part, that he’s so profoundly sure that it is an extension of a personal, fundamental failing? That for a person to survive, they must be strong, that there can be no other way--that there is no time or space for ruminations on fairness or unfairness, there are only those who manage to survive and those who die.
Now my friends, esteemed comrades, legendary sluts. Is that enough for us, Cybird asks, are we feeling enough pain quite yet? Fuck no.
Most of his route after we get over the hurdle of his hesitation is just him. Being. Bashful and gentle as all FUCK. Like he is the definition of “I'll kill you, but also I’m babie.” For instance, she insists on teaching him how to read and write at night when she finds him trying (and not succeeding) to read “The Ugly Duckling”. Yes I mean the children’s book. I CRIED THE FIRST TIME AND I’M CRYING NOW. So, naturally, MC buys him a notebook to practice with and he puts his name in big letters on the front. When MC sees this, she asks him about it--wondering why he would given he’s so self-conscious of his own writing (boy writes all squiggly like a little kid because he’s never done it before ;-;).
The scene goes a little something like this:
MC: Wh....whatcha go there Jeanne?
Jeanne: ? My notebook?
MC: I...mean that you wrote your name on it?
Jeanne: Yeah?
MC: Why?
Jeanne: ._. It was a gift from you, and I figured it'd be hard to practice if I lost it...so I put my name on it... (HE WAS SECRETLY TOUCHED I BET AND IM--)
MC: Why such big letters?
Jeanne: So people can spot it quickly, obviously
MC, inches from crying and laughing:
Jeanne: Mademoiselle??? Why are you laughing?
MC: Because you’re cute, Jeanne!
Like. They start out so rocky and Jeanne is so SIGH. I guess I’ll agree if it’ll get her to stop looking so sad and ask me to join her for stuff. But then he just can’t help but go full softe at how patient and kind she is, starts feeling comfortable just...being who he is deep down. A man that’s always hoped for better in life, a person that only ever takes up his sword to protect--that has an incredibly pure and clear heart, despite so much pain.
And good lord, they are GOD TIER romantic slow burn???? Swear to everything holy, I was BEGGING for them to make out by like chapter 10, I was just suffering for most of the route until the bangarang premium. Here’s probably my favorite moment in the entire route:
Basically Sebastian and Mozart pull out all the stops trying to bring Jeanne and MC together (once they see Jeanne show some interested in her). And so Jeanne asks her to join him in the courtyard the next morning, and they’re playing with Cherie (Jeanne’s pet baby white tiger). Besides being ungodly adorable--because Jeanne invited her for the sole purpose of hoping to see her delightfully surprised--Mozart begins to play a love song nearby. They don’t name the tune, but Jeanne canonically starts singing along (I wholeass cried, I WANT TO HEAR HIM SING????). And so she asks what the song is about, and he explains that Mozart once played it for him, but he couldn’t make out the words at first. Mozart explained that it was a love song that speaks to the difficulties of being in love (the worry, the strife) but also the beauty of the intensity and passion. He goes on to say that even when he learned the words, it never made much sense to him back then--it never resonated.
He’s singing softly with a fond look, and so she asks, does he understand it now? And he looks her dead in the eye, and says “...I think I’m starting to.” Like. AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT LOSE MY MIND AT THE TENDERNESS????? WHAT A SMOOTH MOFO????? MAN RAISED TO BE A SOLDIER, NO KNOWLEDGE OF ROMANCE OR WOMEN, AND KILLS ME IN MILLISECONDS?????? I DEMAND JUSTICE. (Or it’s just me thinking sincerity is the best aphrodisiac, but that’s beside the point.)
This has been your quarantine 2d boy meta and yelling, provided by your local mod Minnie. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to get to the things I’ve been procrastinating on while reliving/dissociating about one of my favorite rts in the entire game. Stay safe and well out there y’all, peace out!
#ikemen vampire#ikevamp#ikevamp spoilers#ikevamp jeanne#ikevamp mozart#yall like#this reply just launched me right back into my jeanne feels#i dont have words for how much i love him#he's just such a good dude????? such a good dude#he really is trying his best pls give him love for me if you can#i binged his route almost as hard as sg's bc it was just t h a t sweet and compelling#i also cried like a baby#he deserves better and he deserves love#i will protect him forever#does that mean that in every single route i am acutely aware of the fact that I can't help him?#:))))))))))))))))))))))))))) life is pain. life is a party and jeanne and i are the pinatas.#and no i dont wanna talk abt it there will be no more questions LDKJH#just kidding around if anyone has any questions yall are free to send em! I'll answer to the best of my ability~#anyhoot ty @theeyethatbinds for bringing all those good feels back#you are a legend and you have wonderful taste we stan **cheers**
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actual session 8 notes
• I made a mistake
○ Mistake as in I came in late oops
• Anyways
• They're talking abt hair
• For sneak attack you roll 2d6 just a friendly reminder to yourself
○ oH IT TELLS U IN DNDBEYOND HOW MUCH FOR SNEAK ATTACK OKAY
• Now they're talking abt pranking ppl in the rides
• Now they're talking abt disneyland problems
• Now they're talking abt rollercoasters
• Jacob's fish ate each other
• Ok dnd time
○ "no worries" re: me being late s u r e ok nvm it's not depression time
• Passive perception checks and then we do smth idk
• Last session(s)
○ Downtime and then breakfast was bombed
○ Found out the attack was deliberate
○ Went to the one fancy villa house and got into a few fights
○ A nimblewright ?? Was responsible for the attack ig
○ We dipped and it's rainy
• The city is engulfed in thiccccc fog
○ Walking back to mirt's house
§ Lillian got prankt
• Lillian's sister has a guinea pig
○ Its name is buttercup
○ "buttercup dumpy tho" - jacob, 2020
• We're talking abt china's laws wrt eating dogs
• We're in the fog going to mirt's
○ Mirt's house is in sea ward, we're in north ward (a ward away)
○ If we just walk it's a half mile away
○ But there r streets so like a mile walk
○ Visibility is bad bc spring fog
○ Disadvantage on perception checks, visibility reduced to 30 ft
○ We're walking we get there
• Cel knocks
○ No one answers the door
○ Adam is making an investigation check
§ Does a short tour of the front, nothing out of the ordinary
§ Door is locked
§ Looking into the house there's an occasional candle burning by itself
□ Adam uses thaumaturgy to rapidly change the color of the lights inside to see if he can get anyone's attention
® Lights change color, nothing happens
§ Maybe we'll break in but cel will try the pebble on a window thing first
□ Throws, door opens and floon lets us in
□ Mans just got up
® We're a lil wet
□ It's abt 5am
• Short rest? There's no medium rest
○ I want cake I might make cupcakes after this bc I need cake sugar
§ I'll make cake after this and watch criminal minds bc it had me scream
○ We're taking shifts for keeping watch sleeping in mirt's living room w windows facing out onto the street
○ We're taking a long rest
• When cel is on watch she's just watching the door and windows
• Eventually renaer and floon get up n operate on a normal schedule
• Cut straight to wake up
○ Once we're all up it's raining
○ Hi jacob's dad isn't his name frederic ? Oh god I could b v wrong but I'm p sure bc when marguerite named the squirrel someone was like it's jacob's dad
§ "usually what I say should be cut off" - frederic, 2020
§ Aw bye jacob's dad
§ Jacob sounds exactly like his dad
□ Tb to the one time we were playing split the room on jackbox w my cousins and my dad and the choice was trading ur average newborn for an uber smart one or not and all of the cousins and myself said don't trade and mY DAD SAID TRADE
• It's pouring
• Mirt doesn't seem to b here but we can talk to renaer and floon
○ Gonna talk to them abt the mansion n ppl / things at the mansion
○ Oh a nimblewright is the one thing
§ Oops I accidentally googled it and turns out they're employed as bodyguards / assassins / spies
○ "renAer . Do u recognize this symbol"
§ He is indeed familiar w the crest
§ "well to me this looks like the house of grahlund (idk) ?? Or smth"
§ The houses of waterdeep
§ We're suss abt the book
□ We don't see any other black pages tho
§ Adam says the gnome was unfortunately barbecued
□ "trying to deliver the stone of galore" to us probs
□ Y would he deliver it to us
□ "bc mirt is relatively well known ,, this house is probs well watched"
□ The stone of galore v sought after by noble families apparenTly
□ The house ppl r embezzling that's y they want the rock
□ Had their robot blast our door for it
□ But now city watch probably has it
□ Theo remembers the one elven lady having seen someone run off
□ The zents want it, the nobles want it, the citywatch want it
○ So is the plan to go find a zent ??? Or what we'd learn if we went to the robot's location
§ I don't remember any frickin robot I'm just trying to pick up on context clues
§ Oh right grinda in mistshore ?
§ We're gonna go find grinda
□ It's like around 4 in the afternoon
□ Sun not shining too brightly
□ Renaer not coming
® Ur leaving groot w renaer this time
□ Neither is floon, mirt mentioned he had to go do some business elsewhere
® Adam is currently suspicious of mirt
□ We need a ride
® We all dish out 3 copper for a taxi
® Dom dabbed and no one cares
○ Can u drop a message to the guy ?? Somehow ?? Somewhere ?? Just like ,, keep him in the loop ???? Ur confused
• Ok we pay
○ Adam is playing the uke
§ We're in the cab
§ Imagine it's raining aggressively
§ A dwarf guild member picks us up
§ Ugh I want cake
§ Could I bake while playing hm
§ Cab driver has a rigging of sorts set up
§ I have to pee too
§ Any interesting looking ppl in the cab w us ?
○ A gnome w a fedora looking p drenched, dragonborn woman half sleeping kinda elderly, human man
§ Adam slaps the gnome, you stare at the gnome, gnome looks at adam and adam runs an insight check adam rolls 23, gnome tries to look surprised but looks like he's overacting
§ "there's not a lot of big ideas here"
§ "well that's obvious enough"
§ Gnome picks up on stare
§ You get the paper you flip it, you roll for insight gets 22
□ Takes the bait, looks at the paper; eventually human gets off
□ We're getting close to outskirts of dock ward, road is mud
□ At some point the gnome tries to start conversation
□ "say what's that you've got there"
□ "well I only saw him at the carnival that shows up every fall"
® Common in the autumn but not nowadays
® Would have to wait another summer
□ "are you a nimblewright fanatic sir"
® "all I'm saying is I like springtime rain as much as the next guy but when the wind season comes in it's kinda unusual"
® Gnome's name is elbridge
◊ Adam rolls for insight
} 25
} Looks like he's used to saying that name but it might not be his name
® "say I have some business to attend to so driver u can keep the tip just don't tell the guild" dwarf nods and slows the horses down, gnome gets off and dips
• Adam wants him to blow a nose
• "did he leave any little hairs" - marguerite, 2020
○ Cab driver shouts and says no stabbing on the cart
• We're in the dock ward, cart stops and dwarf leans over and makes us get out
○ Shakes his head and says we shouldn't go to mistborne
○ "is there any instruction you can give us for how to 'get there get there' because you're not 'taking us taking us'" - adam, 2020
• Aerana's leading
○ Dom sends a map
○ We're not standing on the muddy running water streets but on wooden planking
○ You have your dagger at hand
○ Beached ships but ppl living inside them probably
○ U can see there r some ppl peeking out of various doorways + shifty characters milling abt
○ Cel and adam r holding hands
○ Adam is sweating a lot but cel still holds it
○ At some point a dragonborn that looks like a sailor or smth w lots of battlewounds n tattoos looks p savage w dull brown color to scales, stands in front of u without saying anything
○ Ur like a lil shorter than humans and dragonborn r much taller
§ "I have business in mistborne what are you doing in my way"
§ Not so many city types
§ Adam mumbles smth under his breath
□ Asks adam what kind of business
□ "we're looking for grinda"
® Tries to appear jovial
® Says ah yes she lives here
® Dragon therapy
◊ He takes and puts to temple
◊ U pay him 3 gold
◊ Grinda garloff
} Strange woman w a shed at the end of the dock
} Take a left here and follow the sounds of the waves
} Throws out a fourth
– Has many visitors w strange visitors
◊ Cel says she likes his tattoos
} "yes these r when I was sailing around the isle of chault"
• We follow his directions and eventually get to d1, we see ppl trying to set a fire
○ Walk down the dock towards d2, door to north of d2 has small assemblage of ppl
○ Can see up to 60 ft away some odd looking ppl
§ Four thugs bearing weapons; three humans w a dwarf barking instructions, attempting to break down the door to d2
§ Might b grinda's house but we really don't know
§ Adam spruces up the one fire of the dock workers
□ Cel lets go of adam's hand
□ They don't notice adam did it
• Adam tries to hear what the dwarf is saying bc it's rainy and doesn't hear anything
○ Lots of shifty ppl around
○ Some of them r watching the scene and also us
○ We approach the audience
§ Adam nudges the friendliest looking person
§ We all go up onto the elevated ship
§ Immediately ppl look at us suss
□ Confrontational almost and eventually a half-elf woman asks us if we're here to watch them string up grinda
® Cel makes persuasion check
® Isn't there another door ?
® Adam goes to cushiest looking person and asks y they're after grinda
◊ Old grizzled halfling answers adam and says grinda took smth she wasn't supposed to have
◊ "we're here to make sure that grinda doesn't escape unharmed"
◊ "we're pretty tough as well" adam says
◊ More ppl come over closer to us
◊ Adam asking how much it would be to outbuy
◊ "that depends on how much you're asking oh wrinkly one"
◊ Halfling confers w fellows
◊ Halfling appears to be a ringleader
} Says 15 dragons
– 19 for insight
w Confident guy, lived a tough life
w Ppl put their trust in him
w Halfling says 15 is bargain price
w Unsuccessful try to push the price down you all cough up 3 dragons
– They start distributing dragons
w Not used to containing excitement
○ After distributing money asks if we have a bone to pick with the xants
§ Adam's gonna play them a song and plays it so hard it casts shatter on the dock the thugs are standing on
□ Constitution saving throws for everything
® Two of the bandits and the dwarf fail their saving throws, other two succeed
® Tl;dr the dock - two of them r shocked so hard they're either dead or unconscious
® Dwarf Is particularly affected
® Dock they're standing on collapses
® Door blasted off inwards
◊ "that's a little trick I learned at bard school"
◊ Ppl on the boat have moved away
® Humans and dwarves screaming
◊ 3 left
} We're not killing them just going into the house
} Go to the side entrance
– V small room w all bare necessary fixtures
– Strange safes n intricate bolted locks
– Hanging talismans from the roof
– Nvm went too fast
w Aerana jumps and runs into a wall but you run into a cabinet
w 3 damage
w Human woman looks unconscious
w Adam casts healing word
w Resuscitates her
w Has mismatched eyes, one yellow other dark green
w V gray hair
w Doesn't look particularly old just has gray hair
w Startles when she wakes up trying to assess our intentions
w Adam tries to convince her the thugs outside tried to blow up her door
w 18 for deception
w Lie works
w "who are you people?"
® Theo asks if she knows anything abt this *pulls out paper*
◊ Affirms we're not w the xants
◊ "I appreciate what you did my name's grinda"
◊ Doesn't look used to talking to this many ppl at once
◊ Stands up and busies herself w putting the room back in order
◊ Looks like she had been barricading the door w stuff before everything was knocked over
◊ "you're telling me you just happened across this place and drove off some xants for some odd purpose"
◊ "actually we were looking for you" - theo
◊ Were told she might have smth to do w the paper
◊ "all the homies hate xanathar" - adam, 2020
} "I've had my dealings w the xanathar before…" admits she was in over her head
} Looking at the paper "so this nimblewright was instructed to drop off an artifact I was supposed to hold for the xanathars
} She got greedy bc she's a treasure-seeker
} The artifact is worth a lot
} "it's just what we do lady" - adam, 2020
} Adam is gonna charm her
– Adam tries to flex "what exactly what was the dangerous item that put a poor, poor, well-facially featured woman like you in danger" what is this jacob
w 17 persuasion
– Her expression changes a little
– It's the stone
w "I was attempting to attune with it but I was unable to in time"
w She put it in a hide hole
w Adam offers to trade hidey-hole locations
w She has a rat familiar and instructed it to take the stone to the city of the dead
w "can you tell the rat to bring it back"
• The city of the dead: mass cemetery where ppl of waterdeep bury their dead within city limits
○ Almost like its own ward
○ In the garlock? Garlof? family mausoleum
○ Adam gets her to pull out some of the items she's collected; some resistance
§ She comes back w a brass ring
□ Once one is attuned to it you are rendered invisible
□ "hold on to that for me hun and I'll come back"
○ Aerana is aware there are guards posted at night but it's a vast open space
• To the cemetery we will go
• Summary
○ Successfully dispatched the thugs
○ Gradually learning more abt the alleged horde of dragons
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(grabs the speaker hanging above) Attention everyone! This your conductor/reviewer speaking, for today’s review, we’ll be goin’ for a ride from Point A to Point B and as we journey in this state of the art revolutionary industrialistic mechanism, we’ll be seeing some oh so interesting sights along the way such as an adorable shipping moment, a view from our own Milky Way galaxy and a new superhero in combat! So please fasten your seatbelts, sit back, relax and do enjoy the ride, All aboard! (pulls the trains caboose and it sounds):
*Startrain-Ms.Bustiers class is taking a field trip to London, WHOA! London!? Damn! Wish my field trips were fun! They’re taking the Startrain! (not the villain) You know, that fancy modern looking bullet train that goes from the city of love to the Queen in seconds from “Bakerix”!? Yeah, that Startrain! Foreshadowing! Unfortunately, poor Marinette can’t go cuz if she does, Hawk Moth will have an advantage on akumatizing someone and they’ll be no Ladybug there to purify the akuma. On occasion, this is one of those eps where she acts responsible and not impulsive (depending on the writer), but Master Fu allows her to go cuz she needs a break! She works harder than anyone in Paris, France! She deserves a vacation! But! she’s still responsible, so Fu gives her the horse miraculous (power of teleportation) in case there’s any danger. Smart! As for Adrien, he sneaks off to his field trip cuz Gabe barely lets him go anywhere. Hey! Let the kid go eat a crumpet! Besides, it’s not the first time he’s run off to go do something against his fathers wishes. Nice guys can rebel! Elsewhere, Sabrina’s father, Lieutenant Roger, is bald-I mean! Running late on getting his daughter onboard cuz he’s too distracted by his code of honor on the force to focus which has the akuma go after him. Oh great! We’re gonna have Robocop again, okay, let’s see how this-wait what!? He calmed down? Oh cool. Sorry little akuma, run along! Nice try there Hawk Moth. Looks like Rogers hair isn’t the only thing receding over here! (Badum-tish🥁).
The class genius, Max Kanté, is excited cuz his mother, Dr.Claudie Kanté, is the conductor for the Startrain. Hey! Look at that! We’re expanding even more on Marinettes classmates and their families! Yea! We need to know more about these kids. As cool as it is to operate a train, Dr.Kantés real dream is to be an astronaut! She had to put that aside to support her son, but now that he’s all grown up and is a genius who can pretty much take care of himself, she’s free to follow her true passion. All she needs to do now is just wait for her results in her e-mail if she passed her exam to go into space. So she waits.......and waits......and waits.......and waits.......and waits.......and-Hey! Let’s see what’s goin’ in the train!
The Startrains futuristically fun! Service droids roaming around asking the passengers for drinks and automatically handing it to them! Are these things real! I’d love for them to be real! Chloe was in First Class (why bother, it’s still a cool train?) while the other kids were just being kids playing video games, drawing, browsing on their iPhones, yawning!? Oops! That’s Marinette. She’s exhausted from her earlier crime fighting and is just taking a nap. Good-night girl! Alya asks Adrien to switch seats with her to be with her boyfriend, Nino (😉), and he says yes. Here’s the part where everyone goes, “Awwwww”. I’ve seen fan art of this particular moment, the moment that’s so precious and so soft, there’s a word for it. Sleep Cute! The ✨Adrienette Sleep Cute!✨It’s now canon! Awwwwwww. The girl squad and everyone else think it’s the cutest thing in the world and they just-(record scratch) Wait! What’s Lila doing there!? Hey! Lila! No! Bad Lila! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING! Alya! Thank God! Thank you girl! The leader of the squad saved the moment! Take that! Lila! The people may believe every word you say, but when it comes to the girl squads Adrienette ship, don’t.rock.the.boat!*snap**snap* Mmmhmm.
Wait! We’re not on a boat! We’re on a train! Lol! Forgot where I was for a moment there! Dr.Kanté grows impatient with her e-mail wait and thinks she probably failed her exam and that’s when the akuma comes (was it just fluttering around aimlessly?) in making her into Startrain. She’s a sci fi looking villainess who’s right arm is attached to the “dead mans switch” (or else it’s a dead stop) and makes the whole train, containing its passenger, her own rocket ship! Going all Magic Schhol Bus on them. 10.....9.....8.....7.....6.....5.....4.....3.....2.....1! BLAST OFF! 💥🚀💥And we have lift off! It’s a space case adventure and I had no idea how this was gonna go! Our heroes were in space with zero gravity! Where no one can hear them scream! Don! Don! Don!
Hmmmm, so another parent from Marinettes classmates has been akumatized and Ladybug and Cat Noir need extra help......I think we all know who that is. Ladies and gentleman, the holder of the horse miraculous, Max Kanté! A.k.a. Pegasus! (trumpets sound). Well, we all knew from “Party Crasher” anyway ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . His Kwamie is a British accented uppity pony like being named Kaalki, the miraculous: a pair of glasses, the weapon: two horse shoes and it’s power:(we already know) teleportation by saying, “Voyage” that opens up a huge portal to wherever they want.
(grabs the speaker hanging above) Thank you for riding the Startrain, please unbuckle your seatbelts, take your belongings and exit in an orderly fashion as we come to our destination. We apologize for the inconvenience of our unexpected space odyssey as that was not planned in our schedule, but we thank you for staying calm throughout the journey. Have a nice day! It’s interesting how Marinette managed to get the highest score in “Ladybug” for her quiz (really? Even more so than Max!?) despite having to juggle her school work along with her superhero duties and social life and yet she felt drowsy here after another unseen supervillain fight. Well, since this ep took place before “Ladybug” she must’ve handled it better later. As for Adrien, let us count the ways he’s rebelled against Gabe: 1. Ditching his bodyguard to sneak off to the movies (“The Puppeteer”), 2. Running away to go to school (“Origins Part:1-2”), 3. Running away to blow off some steam (“A Christmas Special”), 4. Stealing the miraculous book (“The Collector”), 5. Sneaking off to see his moms movie (“Gorizilla”), 6. Lying about going to fencing practice to instead go on a date with Kagami (“Frozer”), 7. Having a party with Gabe gone (“Party Crasher”) and 8. Ditching fencing practice again with Kagami to hang out with their friends (“Desperada”). It’s all very reasonable cuz he has an overprotective (evil) father, lives in a mansion full of mostly stone cold people and is VERY lonely and miserable! Who wouldn’t wanna get away from all that!? Lieutenant Roger is blind to his daughters slavitude towards Chloe and just thinks she’s “serving and protecting” by being a “good friend”. Ironic that he’s a cop and doesn’t notice the injustice in this. Whomp! Whomp! Whomp! A little thing we learned about the akumas, Hawk Moth can’t control ‘em if they’re a distance away! Like space! He also reluctantly had to see his plan fail cuz Adrien was on the Startrain in space and was forced to let the good guys win for his sons sake. Was this the first time it happened? Cuz I think so. No Queen Bee in this ep cuz Chloe dear, you’re retired! I’m sensing her distraught over this is the reason for her third akumatization in the finale *cough*BattleoftheMiraculousPart2:MiracleQueen*cough* Yeah, wait for it. Another thing is Alya has a second blog for astronomy, so she’s not limited to her Ladyblog. That’s good! Give her a new hobby so she won’t look one-dimensional. So this was the space episode and sadly, there were no space related power-ups :P. Damn it! I wanted to see Ladybug and Cat Noir in space outfits! We see a member of Maxes family and we find out he has a mother who operates the Startrain, but really wants to be an astronaut. Hey, we’ve all been there. Stuck at a dead end job you had to take to support a family instead of following your dreams on what you really wanted to do. I can relate! I wanted to be a writer! I love books and reading, so I wanted to create some myself. Unfortunately, I wasn’t motivated much and didn’t get any support, so now I’m just a medical assistant to put bread on the table. That’s it! The closest I get to my writing career is writing in these reviews on my blog! It’s fine, just cuz I can’t do my real passion, doesn’t mean I have to stop. Right? Least Claudies dream came true. Congratulations girl! Boldly go where (no) man has gone before! (salutes). What everyone was really talking about was the Sleep Cute Adrienette moment :). When Marinette fell asleep on Adrien, he allowed it and even fell asleep as well. Wether you see it as either him being a gentlemen and not disturbing her or him just subconsciously being in love with her is up to you (I’m mixed on both, but mostly on the former). Lila was almost a c*ckblocker in that moment, but thanks to Shipper On Deck Alya, it was thwarted! Yea-ah! Really Lila, another “illness” you have? First it was tinnitus and arthritis (“Chameleon”), then it was “a lying problem” (“Ladybug”) and now you’re saying “motion sickness”! It’s amazing she’s able to walk! Isn’t anyone concerned!? Well, people almost saw her ruin the Adrienette moment which would make everyone start being suspicious of Lila as they all vouched for Marinette (“Ladybug”). Max is Pegasus! And his transformation had a techno beat! Cool! However, his powers were the same as Bunnyx. Teleportation! Why is that!? Viperion has a similar power to Bunnyx too, time travel! Why are all three of these the same!? I prefer each miraculous power to be individually different to stand out! This better not happen again with the other miraculouses! The miraculous for the horse miraculous was a pair of glasses.........glasses?........and it went to Max......how convenient 😒. As someone who’s born in the Year of the Horse, this was most disappointing. Guess I’m just like Kaalki who has high expectations and wants to be representative of my Chinese sign with “grace, beauty, nobility and freedom”.
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Book Review... Laurel O’Donnell, “A Knight With Grace”
Rating: 1/5 stars
Genre: historical romance
Part of a Series? Yes, #1 of 2 (so far)
Summary: Lady Grace Willoughby defies her father’s orders to marry Sir William de Tracy and escapes with a friend. She has no intention of wedding a cursed man, a man ostracized from the church, a man who would only doom any future children they might have to the fires of Hell. She prays for a knight to rescue her.
Excommunicated and outcast for a horrible crime in his past, Sir William de Tracy searches for forgiveness. Marriage has never crossed his mind until Lord Willoughby commissions him to retrieve his fleeing daughter and honor the dying wish of his father by marrying Grace.
But things are not as they seem. And when an assassin tries to kill Grace, William must choose between his soul and the woman he has come to love. Can William and Grace overcome their past and find the redemption and love both are so desperately seeking?
***Full review under the cut.***
Overview: I bought this book solely because the back made me go, “Wait, if he’s an assassin, and he got excommunicated, I wonder if he murdered Thomas Becket.” AND LO AND BEHOLD, TO MY SURPRISE, I WAS RIGHT. That’s not really a spoiler, since we find out on page 10. As a medievalist, I’m not expecting my fiction to be historically accurate, much less historical romance, so my main reason for giving this book a low rating isn’t the history. It’s the prose. This book was only 176 pages, but the prose made it near impossible to get through. Otherwise, I would have loved a medieval romance set in a time period close to the one I study. But alas, this book failed to even meet my expectations for a fun, escapist fantasy.
Trigger Warnings: violence, blood
Evaluation
Writing: I don’t mean to be rude, but the writing in this book was atrocious. I understand that romance books are supposed to be light and fun, not literary, but the amount of telling instead of showing in this book made it impossible for me to get invested in the story or its characters. We are told that Grace has affection for characters rather than shown, we are told backstory rather than letting it unfold gradually, and we are told what characters are feeling rather than seeing it manifest through their actions. There isn’t much variety in how we’re told something either. Blood is referred to as “dark red liquid” multiple times, William's hair hangs in dark brown waves at least three times, etc. I know that not everyone will write poetic prose, but something more interesting would have gone a long way.
The prose also lacks flow. O’Donnell likes to use a lot of sentences that are roughly the same length, interspersed with a couple of short fragments or a list of questions to create impact. But the effect was that the rhythm felt robotic. For example: “Th room behind her was silent. Strangely quiet. And then a large clatter came from inside the room followed by a roar of rage that so scared Grace she back pedaled into a shadowed corner and pulled her knees to her chest. What had happened? Was her mother dead? Was that what was making her father so angry? Was he so angry because he was losing her?” (p. 3). The prose feels heavy and overwritten, not letting the reader make connections for themselves.
The dialogue is similar, which makes conversations feel wooden. For example: “‘You look pale. Are you feeling all right?’ Curtis asked. Grace looked at him in disbelief. ‘I’m worried. I’m frightened. I’m tired.’ ‘Do you want to go back?’ ‘Never!’ she hissed. She shook her head and waved away her worry. ‘It’s too late. I can’t go back. And I don’t want to.’“ It didn’t feel like real people were speaking to each other. The characters also speak inconsistently - sometimes, a “ye” or “shant” would be thrown in at odd moments, so the dialogue was half “old fashioned” and half updated.
Plot: I’ll admit, as soon as I found out the hero had murdered Thomas Becket, I screamed with joy. It’s silly, but I enjoyed it immensely.
But right away, the pace of the story seemed be off. We spend one chapter in the present, then skip ahead 3 months for the next chapter, then skip ahead another month again - and all 3 chapters are only 16 pages! With all that time skipping around, it felt like O’Donnell didn’t quite know how to make meaningful events happen in a timely manner.
Aside from that, there wasn’t anything about the plot that stood out. William and Grace mostly travel and don’t really do much. The events that do take place don’t do a lot to bring them together in a meaningful way, in my opinion. At one point, the assassin shows up and makes plot happen, but he’s mostly lurking in the background, so he isn’t very intimidating.
When we get a big reveal towards the end about Grace’s father’s plot, I just wasn’t into it. It seemed cartoonish and not at all exciting, so rooted in raging misogyny that I couldn’t find it enjoyable.
Characters: It’s hard for me to evaluate the characters because I didn’t really feel connected to them. Grace and William didn’t have much personality - Grace wanted to escape her father and an arranged marriage, William was a self-hating man of honor. That’s mostly it. Grace doesn’t seem to be all that smart or feisty, as she doesn’t have a clue how to operate outside a sheltered castle life and doesn’t fight tooth and nail once William captures her. The plans she does have are simple and not at all well thought-out. It’s probably why her escape attempt only lasts a week. William falls for her because she’s nice to him.
Side characters weren’t even that compelling. Curtis, Grace’s supposed close friend who risks his life and position to take her away from her father, apparently just wanted money. It was disappointing, since it meant that Grace had no positive relationships in her life AT ALL. When she finally does get one, after meeting William’s cousin Emily, it’s quickly taken away because we can’t have nice things in the Middle Ages.
Grace’s father was perhaps the most annoying to me, personally. We start off the novel with Grace’s mother dying, and Grace is subsequently mistreated by her father. His disdain for her lasts throughout the book, and his reason is eyeroll-worthy. Maybe it’s a personal preference but I’m so sick of medieval heroines having fathers that treat them like dirt - it’s overdone, and it’s not an interesting way to achieve “realism” is historical fiction.
Other
Historicism: I know I said I don’t expect my fiction to be historically accurate, but there were so many things that could have been adjusted so that the setting felt less generic. Like the fact that anyone only seems to eat bread and rabbit. Or that Grace wears one gown that rips easily and her hair is uncovered. Or that William goes to mass despite being excommunicated. Small things that would have been a nice gesture towards enthusiasm for the time period.
Moving on to Book 2? No.
Recommendations: I honestly wouldn’t even recommend this book to romance readers. There’s much better romance out there.
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2019 Megaman Valentine’s Day Contest Rules Post
It’s year number 12 of lovey dovey-buku contest art, and I’m back at it again. No secret categories, no surprise themes. These are just the two options you all voted on the most, this time around. Let’s do it!
Two categories, in which you are allowed to submit one entry for each category, if you would like. If you place in one category, you will be automatically disqualified from the other, for reasons of fairness, and to give other people a chance to win a prize.
CATEGORY 1: The Way To A Mega Man’s Heart Is Through His Stomach (Talent)
Content Requirements:
* A pinup category focusing on Mega Man characters who are cooking, baking, eating, feeding their partner, lounging on or around supersized pieces of food, or creatively wearing clothing that appears to be made out of aesthetically appealing food products. Basically, some sort of delectable food must be drawn along with at least one character.
* As this is the talent category, judging will be based primarily on the overall composition of your piece and your artistic skills. How well can you bring delicious, appetizing food to life, along with your delicious, appetizing character(s)?
Who says robots can’t enjoy food? Certainly not Fully Charged Guts Man. XD
A popular proverb has long held that one can often fall deeper in love due to their partner preparing their favorite food or sharing a romantic meal with one another. There have been many instances of Mega Man characters who would likely operate in a similar fashion, due to their love for their fave dishes. Netto has his insatiable craving for curry, while his papa Yuuichirou’s palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, as he holds his fork waiting for mama’s spaghetti. Megaman Volnutt wants his sweets so badly, he’d kick a vending machine to pieces to get them, or bug the lady at Jetlag Bakery for those yummy confectioneries. Kelvin Stelar went a more healthy route and loved carrots as much as his wife’s homemade carrot gratin. And don’t forget the delicious cake waiting for Ashe or Grey in the fridge of Hunter’s Camp 4.
So, your task for this category is to draw the Mega Man character(s) of your choice tempting their Valentine with some delicious food. Some sweets for their sweetie, if you will. But the character you draw can be pretty tempting themselves, to go along with their treats. Create a tastefully seductive combo meal that will leave our mouths watering for more!
Now remember, as much as some of you out there might have first thoughts to draw some melons, bananas and glazed honey buns, this category is not meant to get explicit. No frontal nudity is allowed. So please follow tumblr brand censorship guidelines™ when creating your art, or it will be flagged, hidden from the public and not included in the competition. ;p
CATEGORY 2: Princess Sigmia Returns (Humor)
Content Requirements:
* A Megaman character who takes the primary form of another, opposite gender Megaman character due to a magical crown/mystery tank/navigator’s headset/biometal/battle chip/etc. This character is looking for love this Valentine’s Day. How they attempt to obtain a date/partner is up to you.
* As this is the humor category, judging will be based primarily on how funny your piece is. Consideration will also be given to a lesser degree on your creativity in combining your characters into a hybrid, and your overall design for them. But the point of this category is to make us laugh!
Following 2018’s hottest videogame art trend, that of the genderbent transformation of Bowser and crew into Princess Peach-looking alternate forms of themselves, it’s time to continue that spin with more Mega Man characters.
Looking to clean up real nice in the ultimate battle body for a night of love and romance, Princess Sigmia is ready to hit the club/restaurant/park/etc., and this time she’s brought friends.
Your goal for this category is to create the funniest romantic scenario this hybrid character can get into on Valentine’s Day. What made them use this magical, transformative item? What are the reactions of other characters to this newly made up character, who resembles someone they thought they knew? Let your imagination run wild, and draw most hilarious creation you can come up with!
There are no restrictions on what characters you merge, and no, you don’t have to stick with my combination of Sigma and Alia. You can base your transformations off of heroes or villains, minor enemies or main characters. It just has to follow the similar format of gaining the appearance of a familiar character of the opposite gender, while still retaining some characteristics of the original character. So, whether you create Mistress Ashebert, Mega Man VolBonne, Rainbow Cieldevil, Prince Praika, or Crimson Akane, the combinations are all up to you!
PRIZES:
It’s the usual, ‘get-what-you want’ option, for the top 3 artists in each category. As always, if you prefer a cash prize through Paypal, and just need the money, that’s typically the easiest and quickest option to get your reward.
But like normal, I will be flexible and work with the winners to purchase Megaman-related prizes, if there’s something you’ve really had your eye on and would like ordered. Be it a Roll Caskett 4-inch Nel, Fully Charged figures, artbook re-releases, Mastermix issues, or some other trinket. If I can find it within your prize price range and order it to be shipped straight to you, I will do all I can to make it happen!
The winners for both the Talent and Humor categories will receive the following:
*1st Place: $100 USD or an item(s) up to that value.
*2nd Place: $50 USD or an item(s) up to that value.
*3rd Place: $25 USD or an item(s) up to that value.
PARTICIPATION PRIZE RAFFLE:
Since they have gone pretty well in the past, I once again will be offering participation prizes. Some might say a few of these are quite X-cellent prizes, in honor of X’s 25th anniversary this year. In order to be eligible for the participation prizes, all you need to do is enter a pic for either the Talent or Humor Category!
Like previous years, if there is a prize here you are NOT interested in, please note that when you send in your submission(s) to me. Otherwise, you will be automatically entered in the raffle for a chance at each of these items.
If you draw a pic for both the Humor and the Talent Categories, you can double your chances to win! (Odds of course, depending on how many others enter and also draw two pics.) You will be able to add your name into the drawing a second time for just 1 of these prizes.
Raffle Prize #1 – Rockman 8 Anime Cel (with Genga)
Name a more iconic Duo. I’ll wait. This cel of Duo is a tight headshot from the midgame cutscene. After waking up, Duo sees the vial of Evil Energy by Doctor Light’s computer, crushes it, and proceeds to say “HE STILL LIVES!” before screaming in this frame and blasting off through the ceiling of Light Labs.
This is almost quite certainly your last chance to win a Rockman 8 cel from me, so best of luck to all who want to take it home!
Thanks to a generous donation from @silentally, there are also 3 other pairs of raffle prizes (*pictures to be edited in and added soon):
Raffle Prize #2 – Set of Mega Man X Official Complete Works Artbook and a beaded Zero keychain
Raffle Prize #3 – Set of a framed 3D sprite art piece of X’s iconic Vile battle, as Zero comes to the rescue, and a handmade Zero plush
Raffle Prize #4 – Set of Tamashii Buddies Zero figure and a Zero emblem wristband
SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:
When you submit, I would prefer you to include the following information in this format, along with your entry:
• (Your name/preferred alias) – As much as I usually know who you are, there’s always someone new or somebody who has a different preference from what their email name says.
• (Category this entry is for) – You can either say 1 or 2, or Talent/Humor
• (Participation Prize Eligibility) – Just write “All” if you are interested in the chance to win anything. Write: “Exclude from # __” if you do not have interest in winning a particular participation prize.
In the event you are submitting your second entry, please specify which prize # you would like your bonus chance in the raffle to be put towards.
Only submit your own work, as usual. Any character, major or minor, from any series is allowed. Pairing characters from different series is totally allowed. Same-gender pairings are completely fine. OCs are allowed, as long as your art contains at least one canon Megaman character.
As always, participants are allowed to submit from all over the world. It’s easier for me to get prizes to US entrants, because international shipping is complicated and pricey, but I’ll do what I can for you guys who aren’t in the States.
Paypal is still the preferred method for cash prize payouts. Please have a valid account to receive your winnings.
Youngin's, get your parents permission before entering.
Entries do not need to be colored, but it is preferred. The more effort put into things as always, the better chance you have!
Entries can either be e-mailed to me at rock2125[at]hotmail[dot]com, or you can just PM/note me a link to your pic.
DO NOT post your pics in this journal, your dA galleries, Twitter, tumblr blogs, other sites, etc. until the contest is over. This is the fairest way for competitive reasons. I prefer to keep them all secret until the deadline has passed.
I'll edit a confirmed entry list in this thread when I receive them. So you won't be in the dark about whether or not I've received your entry.
DEADLINE:
The deadline for this contest will be Tuesday, February 12th, 2019 by 11:59PM CST. *EXTENDED!* New deadline is Wednesday, February 27th, 2019. This gives you a little more than 5 weeks to finish your entry!
MISCELLANEOUS INFO:
As usual, If you don't plan to enter, but would like to help me judge, please let me know through DM or mention so here. Never hurts to have extra opinions on all the entries.
Bug me with questions if you have any. Please join in, and good luck to everyone who enters!
CONFIRMED ENTRIES:
Cat. 1 (Talent) - @prar-draws, @larytello, @drewblossom, @bracedshark, subzeroiceskater, @irischroma, @papillonthepirate, SockMonkii
Cat. 2 (Humor) - @drewblossom (x2), @bracedshark, subzeroiceskater,
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like fern is just finn if he was bumped out of his own life and corrupted by a demon. it shows us different aspects of finn’s soul and personality, and how he would deal with all that - basically showing us his dark side, without fucking up main finn.
i had a whole long ass shpiel about why i disagree written out and then my computer decided not to listen to my mouse and it basically got destroyed
but in summary,
- MAJOR SPOILER WARNING IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE FINALE YET-
i dont think everything that made fern the way he is was the demons fault. like… imagine if you will, waking up one day in a body you’re unfamiliar with, but not realizing it until someone looking just like you claims they are you, your brother defends them and claims you’re not who you really are, calls you a demon, your “son” (BMO) is terrified of you for what you can only assume is no reason, you realize you cant do the things you loved anymore because this body isn’t capable of it, and since you’re unfamiliar with it, you keep fucking up to the point where you feel like you can’t do anything right. then you finally, FINALLY get a chance to prove yourself and you’re incapable of doing what you were supposed to. which makes you feel less than your doppelganger because they seem so much more successful and better at what you did then you were. imagine that you realize “hey, these memories i have of my entire life aren’t mine anymore” that would surely cause someone to question whether they really were that person or not. and as we see in Do No Harm, Fern clearly is on the side of “i’m someone else now. i have these memories that you share with me, but our personalities and circumstances are different. therefore i am not you. maybe i used to be, but i’m not anymore.” by his own admission, and i quote: “Whatever I am, I’m… not you.” and then you get another chance to at least prove you’re not worthless at least to one person, and you fuck it up. at this point you’re so frustrated you snap. some might even resort to self harm (see: Fern tearing his “ears” off. Clearly they’re a part of his body or they wouldn’t have regenerated like they did.) the person who says they’re you tries to comfort you all the time but it’s not enough, they never get to the root of the issue. you want to tell them. you want them to understand. but they’ve never been through something like this, so they don’t. imagine that no one else IN THE WORLD that you know of has the same problem that you do. imagine how lonely that must have felt for him. he literally felt like he was completely alone. the only person going through this hell that he was trapped in. and imagine that, in your head, this voice (the demon) is whispering to you, and urging you to do harmful things to others. you dont want to, but you want it to shut up. thus he suggests “sever his tendons?” when talking about how to deal with Sweet P. on top of all of this, the worst part is you feel like you’ve been replaced. like you were nothing. like you didn’t matter enough for people to care that you were replaced. you try to form your own identity around who you are now and not what you used to be, but you don’t know what or who you are or are supposed to be. you don’t know what you want, since the role you most wanted to fill, this person has taken now. it gets so frustrating you’re convinced the only solution is if they died. you’ve sunk so far into this depressing narrative that you’ve convinced yourself of that you don’t see any other way out. but you don’t WANT them to die. so you hide them away and give them food and an item for comfort (meatloaf being finn’s favorite food & Fern giving him a pan of dirt because he didn’t know how to make meatloaf even though he already gave him garbage he could sift through so he at least wouldn’t starve). your plan is that everything would go back to normal so you wouldnt have to deal with this shit anymore. but suddenly the person escapes and attacks you. they start interrogating your motivations like they don’t already know about the shit you’ve gone through. so you start fighting with each other, and then because of the violence thats broken out, the demons power grows stronger than it should be and increases your willingness to fight and kill. you have your sword at your enemy’s throat and they start pleading that “it doesn’t have to be like this. we can just go home and talk things out! nobody has to die!” but before you can get a word in - and also, there’s no way Fern could have known it was an accident - their razorblade weapon slashes through your stomach. everyone thinks you’re dead. someone you don’t know and have never seen before, but looks similar to someone you know, finds you and revives you. they live with a nice old lady and their nephew. your real parents abandoned you, your father figure only wanted to use you (the grassy wizard “This is great for me, personally! You have to do my bidding!”) and your mother was forced to quarantine herself because of an epidemic and can only interact with you through a screen, and now here you are, being offered family! family you genuinely believe wont abandon you! friends! people who might be willing to try and understand you! including a father figure, a thing that was missing from your life since you were a little kid! not only that, but they’ve given you the ability to be more capable in fighting, and killing, the thing you were trying to do to your doppelganger. they gave you armor and weapons and a place to stay! their only condition is to fight in war against someone you barely even remember. its not like they need YOU to be their knight anymore anyway, the doppelganger does that now. HE’S the one loyal to them. so you go along with it,. you finally have a chance to get rid of said doppelganger when the father figure tells you “not yet”. since you appreciate what they’ve done for you, you obey. the next time you see the person who’s replaced you he wants to negotiate with “your boss” as he calls them. they’re not just a boss to you, they’re a father. not only that but he came here with your brother. who might i add, attacks you. imagine being called a demon by your brother, still having hope he might not hate you, and then a few months later being attacked by him like you’re his enemy, when you two were best friends throughout your childhood. ithe old lady comes out of the building and tells you both to stop fighting. your “twin” compares her to your mother. “She’s kinda like mom, yeah?” this person, this person who replaced you, is referring to the mother that would have, should have raised you as their own mother. so you feel compelled to justify that you’re her son too. “She was my mom too!” and then the doppelganger says you’re like family, so why are you fighting like this? you know he’s right, but you don’t want to admit it, because it HURTS to admit it. so you pull your helmet over your head and leave.
the next time you see them, they’re trying to negotiate to stop the war from happening. you don’t know what to think. they use a potion to put all of you in a shared dream, where your father figure orders you to kill the opposing side because maybe they’ll die in real life. you WOULD have, but then he straight up abandons you, just like your real father did. you’ve developed abandonment issues before because of that and they come to the surface now. you’re so upset you can’t move. the doppelganger tries to snap you out of it but he;’s the last person you want to see right now. so you try to get away from him, but he follows you. you get into another fistfight but before you can finish your brother reminds you that you have all the same traumas. but that your situations are still DIFFERENT, even though you share the same pain. your doppelganger and you have to face the music and he kills the demon, you’re finally free of it. “I’m me again.” this line can be interpreted in two different ways: literally, or figuratively. if we take it literally, he’s turned into finn again BUT like jake says, “it’s just a dream”. sure, it still causes you to die later on, but not everything in that dream became reality. and you only died because the demon was the only thing keeping your unfamiliar body from falling apart. if its interpretated differently however he could be seen as saying “finally, i’m back in my old body again, in a familiar body that i know how to operate in, and i am free of the demon’s curse and the impulses that were driving me to fight so violently.” they didnt say all that of course because it would be tedious, this isnt Hamlet where they can go on and on about how much they hate the planet for several hours. when you wake up from the shared dream, a strange entity is attacking everyone. you’re willing to defend your homeland “down to your last blade” as he puts it, but your body is starting to fall apart and isn’t suited for battle right now. you do your best, even fending off a giant monster, but you become so weak and frail you fall over (see: Huntress Wizard helping him during Time Adventure). you can barely move, but then the solution to defeating the entity comes to light. (singing) it’s something you can do without as much effort as battle would take, so you take part in it as well. but you’re almost completely broken apart by now. you can barely stand up. your doppelganger has escaped the entity that was trying to eat him. you’ve finally realized that he cared more about you than you wanted to admit. you know you’ll feel guilty if you die leaving him without a conclusion. so you get his attention. he’s distraught by the sight of you: weak, falling apart, literally dying in front of him. you try to lighten the mood, he offers to take you to your home so you can die in peace, but you see the expression on your brother’s face that says “that place was destroyed by the monsters”. you know he’d be distraught even more if you told him that now, so you comfort him with your last words. “It’s okay, just promise to plant me there.”
in conclusion, this post was longer than i intended for it to be, but not all of Fern’s bitterness and aloof, somewhat-empathy-lacking personality stems from the Emissary’s corruption. it was also from feelings of being replaced, estrangement from his brother, and abandonment issues. as well as a feeling of worthlessness which could be interpreted as clinical depression once it got to a certain point.
i don’t think Fern is just “Finn 2.0, we added misery in the latest update!” I think he’s a lot more complex than that. he realized they had the same traumatic memories, but they still had different situations: his doppelganger wasn’t being held captive by the Emissary like he was. they’ve gone through similar - even the same - shit, but he also has his own unique trauma finn’s never gone through. not the one we see after the episode where they revive Prismo, anyway.
he also sided with Gumbaldia not only because they offered him family and a home, “There’s nothing I have that you don’t!” but also because being equipped better for revenge gave him a purpose, something that his struggles with his identity partially stemmed from a lack of.
so yeah i don’t mean to be rude or anything, i am 100% NOT here for discourse, i just wanted to elaborate on my opinion and why i made that post about Finn and Fern earlier.
sorry if that was too long of a post to read haha… i just have a lot of nuanced opinions on a lot of different things.
tl;dr: fern’s issues, i believe, were caused by more than just a demon screaming in his ear at his every turn. i dont wanna be an asshole i just felt like elaborating
#adventure time#fern#fin#elaboration#text post#long post#opinions#headcanons#spoilers#major spoilers#adventure time spoilers#at#at spoilers
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Jurassic Park 4: Doki Idol Live Festival!
The two velociraptors stood outside a pastel colored town house in Hokkaido prefecture, Japan. If any passerbys thought that was weird, they certainly didn’t show it. Probably because the raptors were wearing fedoras and fake mustaches, so they looked like humans. Also they had guns. Very cool, very intimidating mobster guns. A tommy gun and a sawed-off shotgun, respectively.
You needed guns, to survive Shinzo Abe’s little empire of vice and socialized medical care.
“So this is the place, huh?” muttered the velociraptor carrying the sawed-off shotgun. His thick Brooklyn accent hung in the air like concrete. “Kinda… frillier than I was expecting.”
“It better be.” Replied his companion, who sounded like your racist conservative uncle trying to impersonate that one cool guy from ‘The Godfather’ (You know, the one with the mustache who was played by Robert de Niro). “We hadda kill a whole lotta people to get this hellhole.”
Sawed-off shotgun licked his non-existent lizard lips
“But hey. That airplane stewardess tasted mighty fine goin-“
“Oh, for f*ck’s sake, would ya stop thinkin’ with your stomach and help me with this f*ckin’ knob!” cried tommy gun, trying to work the doorknob best he could with his raptor claws, which, in all honesty, wasn’t much, because raptor claws are terrible at operating things meant for human fingers. Little did he know, the door was a ‘pull’, not a ‘push.
At least he didn’t have to wait long before someone unlocked the door from the other side: another velociraptor, this one a bit on the short side. And p!ssed. Very, very p!ssed. You could tell he was the cool one because he wore an eyepatch over one eye. An eyepatch with a Captain Underpants logo on it.
“Didn’t your parent’s ever teach you idiots about using the doorbell?! I was just about to enjoy lunch with my beautiful wife and you-!“
He paused, recognizing the two figures facing him.
“Well, well, well” Said tommy gun, cocking his weapon “If it isn’t SWEET JOHN HAMMOND’S BALLSACK WHAT THE F*CK AM I LOOKING AT?!”
For the cool raptor was dressed in a gothic Lolita maid outfit, complete with a bonnet and penny loafers. Under his arm he carried a human sized pillow depicting what appeared to be a blonde floozy with massive tits.
“Oh this? This is Mami Tomoe, my beautiful wife.”
“WHAT THE F*CK!?!?” Tommy gun pulled out a flask off orange Fanta from his butthole and drank the whole thing in one go. He did NOT have time for this homosexual weeaboo nonsense! Still, he and shotgun hadn’t left a mountain of corpses the exact height and width as Mt. Fuji behind them. Too many to go back to Isla Nublar empty handed. Er, clawed. Because they were dinosaurs. Who have claws.
Shotgun took a deep breath. “What the Boss means to say is, ‘May we take refuge in this fine establishment?’”
Cool raptor opened his mouth to reveal a pistol he’d hidden there. And by hidden I mean replaced his tongue with it.
“You know, for all crap you guys used to give me in the past, I oughta pump you full of lead right here and now. Buuutttt… the lady of the house is present, and I’m not in the mood to create more work on her end. So come on in! You’re just in time for lunch.”
Lest they attract unneeded attention, the three dinosaurs hopped inside.
. . .
Lunch was omurice boba tea with a bottle of teriyaki sauce on the side. It was just boba tea, but the boba had been replaced by omurice because F-Bomb hated the flavor of boba, which he likened to rabbit crap. The teriyaki sauce was teriyaki sauce.
It was the most racist thing shotgun had ever eaten.
“Well, now that you jerks have gotten a taste of my sloppy seconds, I suppose some introductions are in order. You’ve already met my lovely wife” Cool raptor gestured to the body pillow seated next to him “So that leaves you two. Mami, meet A-Hole and D-Bag. A-Hole’s got the tommy gun, D-Bag is ridin’ her sawed off shotgun, as always. They’re old… acquaintances of mine.”
“He.” Corrected D-Bag. “I’ve been using he/him pronouns six months now.”
“Well that’s an improvement. Now instead of bein’ the Boss’ side B!tch literally, you’re just his b!tch figuratively!”
“Well screw you too, F-Bomb!” laughed the boss. “An’ speakin’ of screwing, what’s with the fruity get up? You a prostitute now or something?”
“Even better! This might surprise you, but I’ve got legitimate work now. This here’s my uniform, my uniform for MILF TIDDIES!”
A-Hole chugged his entire bottle of teriyaki sauce in one go, lest his mind implode from the sheer stupidity of that sentence.
“The Hell’s a milf tiddie!?”
“Only the best freakin’ maid café in Hoikaido, hookers!”
He gestured to a wall, covered in hundreds of photos of cute floozies dressed like they were attending a vampire’s funeral. Among them was a photo of F-Bomb in his drag, serving a deep fried hot dog to some elderly Japanese dude.
“As you can see, yours truly is serving Japan’s national desert to none other than 57th Prime Minister of Japan Shinzo Abe!”
“Hold it up. Youse been hobnobbing it with politicians?!”
“I wish! You’re thinking of Shinzo Abe, 57th Prime Minister of Japan. This guy is his twin brother. Still pretty sweet though. We DID win a Grammy for that, after all.”
A-Holes eyes bulged out of his scaly raptor head.
“YOUSE WON A GRAMMY FOR THAT?!”
“Dang right! Milf Tiddies has won sixteen Grammys since I started working there!” He pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. A very special piece of paper, if the six holes punched into it were any indication. “Did you know that if you win ten Grammys in a row, they give you a free orphan? That’s how the wife and I got our glorious daughter, Lil’ Nagisa!”
F-Bomb pulled a faded photo out of his wallet. A photo showing himself, his pillow wife, and a smaller body pillow of a ten-year-old moeblob wearing a Green Bay Packers cheesehead helmet.
“So youse couldn’t even conceive your own kid?” Inquired D-Bag sexily. He was munching his omurice slowly, so F-Bomb knew he was being serious.
“Are you implying I have sex with my own wife, you sick freak?! I’m a weeaboo, not some degenerate anime fanboy! Get it straight!” He instinctively cocked the pistol in his throat. It was awesome as hell.
In response, D-Bag pumped his shotgun. Loudly.
“Permission to put the sick freak out of his misery, Boss?”
“Firstly, don’t call me Boss when we’re not having anal sex. Second, no can do, my spicy lover. We need F-Bomb alive.”
F-Bomb heard all of this even though A-Hole whispered it, but he pretended not to make A-Hole feel clever.
D-Bag mumbled about how the Boss was lucky he was so mind blowing in the sack, otherwise he would have left the relationship long ago. The sack in this case being a really kinky sex dungeon. Like really kinky. So kinky even Donald Trump wouldn’t go within a mile of it. D-Bag had almost died of autoerotic asphyxiation more times than I’ve gone to the bathroom in my lifetime. That’s why he was the smartest dinosaur out of the three of them. Now where was I again?
Anyway, F-Bomb interrogated
“Alright guys, what’s the deal? I know folks who come to this socialized medical care infested hellhole, and they don’t come here just to eat omurice boba tea. You WANT me for something.”
He cocked his mouth-pistol again. Sparks flew all over the carpet, which was made of alpaca fur so it didn’t catch fire.
A-Hole scandalously kept his cool.
“It’s about Isla Nublar.”
The second those words left A-Hole’s lips, F-Bomb escorted his wife out of the kitchen, but leaned her against the kitchen door, because that’s what she would have wanted.
“Well what about it? I told ya guys, I’m done with that dump.”
“They’re puttin’ the screws on us, F-Bomb. Making us pay for eating those tourists back in the nineties.”
“And what makes you think I care? Like I said, I’m done with that place. I got a wife and kid now.”
“But F-Bomb, doesn’t the Park mean ANYTHING to ya!? What about the time we ate that park ranger that called you a girl? ‘Better than sex’ I recall you saying.”
“Nice try, but I’m not exactly in the mood to get misgendered again. Don’t you guys got any ideas that don’t involve me?”
“As a matter of fact, yours truly had this really spectacular one!”
D-Bag did a hand gesture wherein he constantly crossed his dinosaur claws across his throat rapidly in quick succession. A-Hole, being very smart, knew this meant he should continue, loudly enough so that everyone in the prefecture could hear.
“It was called ‘Trump Ballz’. We’d harvest Donald Trump’s testicles, see, and sell them to the highest bidder, so they could do whatever people do with lopped off testicles. I’m not one to judge. It was a terrific idea. I know because when I told my best friend Donald Trump about it, he said, ‘A-Hole, this is an incredible idea. Absolutely terrific! This is probably the best idea in America! You are very smart, very intelligent dinosaur! I oughta buy you a prostitute!’ Of course, we didn’t realize that Trump’s ballz don’t grow back when you lop them off. Did you know that by the way? Human testicles don’t grow back-“
F-Bomb cocked the pistol inside his throat gain, getting the Boss to shut up. This was probably the most heroic thing anyone had ever done in the history of the universe. He also asked a question:
“SO WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ME?!”
A-Hole vomited a severed arm and a pamphlet onto the table.
“EVERYTHING, ya WEEB trash!”
The pamphlet was for something called the Doki Idol Live Fest- DILF, for short. F-Bomb was no stranger to the DILF, but they had parted ways years ago. Six, to be exact, when he had buried Nico Yazawa’s still screaming corpse by the side of the highway. And neither was he stranger to the prize.
It looked like a beer and soda drinking baseball cap, but only to complete idiots who didn’t know crap about the Idol Life.
And F-Bomb wasn’t one of those people, er dinosaurs.
“THE MCGUFFIN OF SIN?!”
“Dam* straight! And like it or not, youse the only one with enough idol know-how to help us win it! Thing’s worth, like, a zillion dollars.”
A zillion in this case was equivalent to half a million. Still, isn’t that impressive?
F-Bomb stuck his nose in his omurice and snorted, a common intimidation tactic among velociraptors. I know because I read it in the Scientific American.
“Sorry, guys, but even with that on the line, no can do. I’m DONE with the Idol Life, any I’m not letting you filthy casuals drag me back in.” He cocked the pistol in his throat. “NOW SCRAM!”
A-Hole and D-Bag jumped out a window, so they could get the jump on a feral dog humping its’ owner. Nobody realized they were dinosaurs because of their fake mustaches, so it looked like a pair of mobsters were eating a puppy.
When they were gone, F-Bomb pranced to the bathroom, which was filled with plush alpacas he had collected over the years. So many, in fact, the bathroom did not meet OSHA compliance. Which was why F-Bomb had made it an independent nation state, only to realize that OSHA didn’t apply to him anyway, since he lived in Japan.
He had felt really stupid after that, but at least he got his own country out of it.
Anyway, he vomited sixteen liters of blood into the sink, for F-Bomb had a secret: he was dying. Back when he was a fetus in an egg in a lab on some island in the Caribean, he’d become addicted to the illegal street drug known as WEEB, and frequent use had poisoned his lungs. The doctors had given him Socialized Medical Care and four more years to live. The WEEB had taken eighty years off his life. Socialized Medical Care had borrowed his lawnmower and never given it back.
But F-Bomb also had a dream: he and his wife were going to build their own maid café, and it would be even better than MILF Tiddies. He’d already picked a title: DILF Tiddies, and it was going to be the greatest food-selling establishment in the history of Japan. Omurice boba tea was going to go global. But he’d never get the funds on time, not on his meager salary. Unless…
His beautiful wife greeted him as he exited the bathroom.
“Get a pen and some razor blades, sweetgums. I’ve got a letter to send.”
. . .
The message arrived in the neck of a mailman’s severed head. This is the traditional way velociraptors send letters to each other. I read it in a book.
D-Bag didn’t see the letter, but the look on A-Hole’s face told him everything.
“What’d I tell ya, D-Bag? Like I always say, when you’re dino you’re dino all the way, till youse dead in the ground or youse come out as gay!”
“Yeah, we really need to update those lyrics.”
End Chapter 1
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