#almost anyone else this year . literally fucking cooper has been better to me just this month than people ive known since i was 12. thats so

[geffenrecords]

realizing I like don't mean anything to anyone in school....super weird man....

#i cried about it so fucking much a couple months back and now im.just like. okay.....shrug emoji #zyz #i can never drink with the kids bro . im going to end up bawling my eyes out and telling them they have been better friends to me than #almost anyone else this year . literally fucking cooper has been better to me just this month than people ive known since i was 12. thats so #incredibly fucked up . #kieran and germs saved me too but i cant get started on that i wont be able 2 stop . honestly

[star-anise]

So, Easy Beauty by Chloé Cooper-Jones is not by any means a straightforward tale of the specific traumas and experiences of being a disabled woman. In many ways, it's an examination of how holding onto those traumas too tightly can keep you not just from positive chances for connection and experience, but understanding when your choices and behaviours are hurting other people.

But. It does talk about the trauma. And specifically, this splinter I've spent months now slowly drawing out of my soul, because this never happened to me except for the version of it that did happen to me. In her case, it was a conversation with a friend in high school:

I approached him in the library of our school. He was studying for a geometry test. He saw me, closed his notebook, and smiled. “I feel like,” he said, teasing me, “there might be something you want to talk to me about.” I told him yes, there was, and I said that I wanted to go to the homecoming dance with him and would he take me. “Of course,” he said. Relief flooded through me so quickly it turned my stomach. “But,” he continued, “there’s something very important I need to talk to you about first.” He proceeded to tell me that our female friends had been pressuring him for weeks to ask me to the dance, not wanting me to feel left out. “They love you,” he said, “but they pity you and their pity won't help you in the world.” I can, to this day, recall the exact even tone in his voice, his smile. He reached across the table and took my hand. “I want to tell you something as your friend,” he said. “I want to protect you. When you ask a man like me on a date, you put us in a bad position.” He was still smiling; I was having a cute delusion and was in need of his loving, if uncomfortable, correction. “It’s just the truth,” Jim said. “No man will want to date you unless he, too, is desperate or ugly.”

What I've felt, since I was very young, was this sense not just that no one would ever love me, but that I was so pitiful, so unlovable, such a complete failure of femininity, that expressing interest in another person was tantamount to forcing them to pity-fuck me. And how could I do something that horrible to them?

Well, at least in the years since then, I've learned that actually people feel no compunction about rejecting me!

I have almost always felt like such a complete failure at femininity, to the point that discussions about the female experience feel hypnotically surreal, because these things never happen to me. Y'all get catcalled and hit on? I'm struggling to dredge up memories of experiencing that firsthand. I grew up with grownups always warning me about men who'd want me for sex but didn't actually love me, and now I'm like... being wanted for sex? What's that like? I have literally ten seconds of experience of my desire for someone else being something that excited and interested them.

This is my own personal neurosis, not a prescription for widespread behaviour. But I've always kind of hated when people talk about slowburn romances and stories with pining as "two idiots in love" because on a visceral level, it doesn't feel stupid to me to believe you're repulsive and nobody will ever want you. It has always felt like the natural and obvious conclusion to enter adulthood with.

Up until two weeks ago I've always been very careful to describe my feelings about my body as part of me being crazy--I hate the way I look, I don't like seeing or hearing recordings of myself, I think I'm not pretty. Because obviously that means I'm actively working to rid myself of those emotions and attitudes! I've got it handled! I've admitted that I have a problem!

And that's because I always had it locked away in my heart that if I tried to make a factual claim about being ugly, people would say "No you're not!" just to make me feel better, and then I would never ever know if anyone who found me attractive really meant it, or if they were just doing it out of pity.

That is crazy. That's holding onto the lesson of that fucking shitbag who found Chloé attractive and fuckable two months fucking later once he got over himself. That's sitting around waiting for someone to come climb up into my unfuckable tower and do all the work of establishing a relationship themselves. That's lesbian sheep behaviour.

It's only just begun to feel possible that I could begin to take steps to seek people out and express interest in them, instead of holding perfectly still and making someone else do all the heavy lifting to get to me, when I haven't even made it known I wanted them to.

But this doesn't get talked about as part of "the female experience". When men talk about women's experiences in the dating market, they absolutely never mean women like me. Why bother with the experiences of women they wouldn't want to fuck anyway? It's not like we're people or some shit like that.

#staranise original #body image tw #ableism tw #feminist discourse #easy beauty #chloé cooper jones

[itssleepyrabbit]

hi! wow i super love your art and i don’t have enough dabihawks in my life 🥺 was wondering if you had any fic recs for them?? 💕💕

aah thank you so much!! 💕💕 💕💕

BOY IF I DO HAVE!! alright buckle up this might get long (most are fluff and SFW~ i’ll put a NSFW warning but be sure to look at tags in all of them!!)

Bed I made (lie in it with me) by  silverwordswrites

“Touya is in desperate need of a plus-one for his brother's wedding and Keigo is infinitely curious about the man who he was sure used to hate him in college.” 

-- the summary says everything and honestly it’s one of the most romatics dabihawks fics i’ve read.

On-going

He Doesn't Love Me by  Fatally

“Dabi doesn't love him. He's accepted that thorny truth, swallowed it down and let briars grow in his chest, drinking down his blood like water.Or: The one in which Hawks settles for pining for his entire life and doesn't realize Dabi's been staring at him the entire time, too.” 

-- I love pinning Hawks with a burning passion.

Completed

sweetheart, is that you? by  fuckendeavor666

“dabi and hawks say i love you (without actually saying i love you) in five different ways.“ 

-- This is my absolute fave dabihawks fic

Completed

Deck the Halls With Boughs of Folly by  DrAphra

“In which the League has acquired a new fancy mansion -with all the heating and food and plush beds they could possibly need - but they still prefer to spend the day out in the wilderness with just each other. Plus Hawks.“ 

-- Honestly all Aphra’s dabihawks fics are more than worth it but this one has a special place on my heart.

Completed

fuck, im so young - orphaned

“Todoroki Touya writes poems.

Words upon words of heartfelt confessions, letters of sing song fantasies, syllables of feelings he never got to say out loud.

When Todoroki Touya hits sixteen, he burns himself to death.

When Dabi hits twenty four-

He meets Hawks.” 

-- i don’t know how to explain but this fic it’s pretty

Completed

Feathers and Feelings by  Toboe1087

“Hawks keeps leaving feathers on his pillow, and Dabi's about had it.

(like hell he'd let anyone else have them, though)”

-- Dabi preening Hawks feathers is a blessing

Complete

(this is not a) swan song by  bittermoons

“"Who's your favorite, then?"

"Hawks." Touya doesn't miss a beat. "Definitely Hawks."

"What? Seriously? How come?"

"He has his flaws, but at the end of the day, he's trying to do good. It's something he always strives for. Dabi, on the other hand...if it weren't for Hawks, he wouldn't be a hero, that's for sure."

[Or: How a secret is revealed, and what comes afterwards.]”

-- Adorable no quirks AU with manga artist Touya and oblivious Keigo! Another author i adore pretty much all dabihawks works.

Completed

You can't trap the sky in a bottle by thyandra

“Letting Toga organize the accommodations for their trip might have been a mistake. This particular truth becomes obvious to Keigo as he opens the door of his hotel room for the first time. There, staring back at him mockingly, is a single, king-sized bed. It’s only by virtue of all the years spent perfecting his poker face around his adoptive parents, that he manages to keep his face straight. At his side, Touya clicks his tongue. “They must’ve given us the wrong key.””

--(no quirks AU) I really love they way Dabi and Hawks are written here i can’t express it in words and so so much pinning

Completed

A Tale as Old as Time by  EloFromMars, Gotcocomilk

“Dabi and Hawks are hit by the most improbable Quirk: both are yeeted in Fairytales land and have to rely on each other to get out of this.“

-- this was such a fun read omg

Completed

A Romance Written All Over Your Body by  minatsukinoamayo

//NSFW mind the tags!//

“Hawks is assigned to infiltrate the League of Villains in order to expose them. Hawks usually never fails a mission, but Keigo usually never falls in love, either.A story of how Hawks falls from grace to become a villain, because hero society has failed them all.

OR

5 times they're not in a relationship and 1 time they are.“

-- you know those fics you say “one more chapter” and it’s 3AM

Completed

it caught spark in your eyes by  youareoldfatherwilliam

//Mature - Implied Sexual Content//

“Keigo’s quirk is powerful, but sometimes it comes with unintended side effects.

Or: A 5 + 1 fic of five times the more…instinctively bird-like parts of Keigo’s quirk took over accidentally during his relationship with Dabi, and one time it happened entirely on purpose.“

-- I was screaming about this particular fic on twt the other day pls give it a read if you can it’s so so so good! Any fic that has Hawks with bird traits has a special place on my heart

Completed

The Others by  threesipsmore

//Mature - 2 sexual scenes, nothing too explicit but they’re there//

“"Skeptic's starting to think he’s more important than me,” Toga sneers, an acidic edge to her voice. “Making decisions on his own, sending out birdie without even talking to me first.”

She’d simply acquiesced to cooperating with Skeptic, but from day one the complaints had never stopped. In this tiny room layered with sushi and cakes, Dabi was forced to listen to her whining.”

-- You go birb, you get that man

Completed

Equivalent Exchange by  inexchangeforyoursoul

“Keigo blinks the blurry oblivion away from his eyes, although some part of it is oddly stubborn and to stay indefinitely. There's three things he's certain of: first, he’s alive. Second, just by looking at the bed and windows he can tell this is no villain hospital or torture room. Third: something feels wrong. Very wrong.

The silence… is deafening.

xxx

To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.

If so, what of a bird that has lost its wings?”

-- i had so many feelings reading i can’t physically explain them to you also PINK HAIR DABI PINK HAIR DABI

Completed

dabi's 5-step guide to being a better parent than endeavor by  twinkfrankenstein (orphan_account)

“A little voice inside his head whispered spitefully about how this was no place for a child, and how he was making a mistake and would only traumatize the kid, yada yada. He responded with an equally spiteful-

“Fuck off, its not like I planned to do arson today.”

(or: how Dabi becomes a good dad just to spite his own, realizes he kinda sorta maybe likes Hawks for realsies, begrudgingly admits the League cares and finally comes to terms with his protective side. Not in that order.)“

-- this legit made me laught out loud idk what else tell you

Completed

The Todoroki In-Laws by  aphrodaisyacs

“Over 10 years after the fight against the Paranormal Liberation Front, Rumi, aka the part-time hero Miruko and the proud wife of one Todoroki Fuyumi, decides it would be an awesome idea to create a groupchat with the significant others of the other Todoroki siblings.

Maybe things would be easier if its members weren’t two Pro Heroes, a former one and a rehabilitated villain, but…Honestly, where’s the fun in that?”

-- this is not dabihawks focused but it’s so funny pls

Completed

With Being Petty Comes Consequences by  CursedUndead

“"When we were saying fuck pro heroes, I didn't think you literally meant FUCK them," Tomura grumbles, kicking over an empty beer can.

"Pretty judgmental for someone fucking a pro twice their age," Touya says.

Tomura squints, and says, "Ten years is not twice my age."

Or, after spending Enji's money, Touya is forced to babysit for the number 2 hero to pay him back. Touya makes it his life's mission to fuck his new boss.”

-- this only has 4 chapters but i know it’s going to be one of my faves

On-going

The Truth series by  AmethystUnarmed

-- Hawks gets hit with a truth quirk and starts to be actually free by the power of love, friendship and a bit of crime <3

The last entry is on-going

and if we sit and count it up it's really not a lot by  sincerelysamedt

“Hawks finds a bento box in his messenger bag and almost cries.

"Is that a loving wife bento?"“

-- please PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD READ THIS ONE /sobbing noises/

Completed

steal your heart by  darlingest

//Mature//

“When infamous thief Hawks announces that he is going to steal the heart of Endeavor's son, everyone expects him to prey on Shoto Todoroki - nobody suspects Touya to be the actual target.“

-- Villain Hawks and civilian Dabi are my guilty pleasure and this one it’s so soft too i’m- djsahfdjkfhadf

Completed

darling, thank god it’s this universe we’re in (and you can annoy me as much as you please) by  juurensha

“ Todoroki Rei divorces Endeavor and moves all four of her children into a small apartment next to a boy with wings as red as the hair of her eldest son. “

-- This was one of the first dabihawks fics i ever read and, to this day, i come back to it when i feel i need the extra burst in happy feelings and check their other works too! Honestly all are such a good fucking read

Completed

#ask #faerie-fang #this is not even half the fics i love #i can always show more but i was afraid of bugging again djsfhadf #honestly check ALL this authors you're not gonna regret it #fic rec #dabihawks

[choco-mark]

A Marriage of Inconvenience (2)

overall pairing: mafia!jeno x mafia!oc

overall genre: angst | smut | fluff

warnings: language, mentions of violence + death, y/n wanting to kill jeno, jeno being an asshole, oppression of women, murder/homicide, jeno wanting to kill y/n

summary: when two mafia gangs decide to end their family feud after decades, your mother decides to give your hand away to marriage of their son, lee jeno. he seemed to hate you from the moment he laid his eyes on you, but could the resolution lead to something much more than a bride and groom?

words: 4.8k

masterlist

requested by 🤡 anon

18 April

It had been a few days since you blew up on Jeno, and thankfully he found you scary enough to stay away from you for a while. Mark had been visiting your room every now and then to send you messages from your fiancee (one of which had been ‘don’t go to the training room tomorrow,’ which gave you an extra reason to stay there longer than usual).

Today was the day of the mission, or at least, that was what Mark had told you this morning after handing you a box of battle clothing. You took one look at the color of the uniform, repelling it immediately before you realized the expense of the actual fabric and how protective it would really be.

Even the thin overcoat armor was bulletproof, as it was marked on the inner side of the jacket. The boots were heeled, making you a bit annoyed as you would’ve rather stuck with your own classic ones, but you couldn’t pass by the chance to step on someone’s very nice face for being an asshole.

As you were slipping on the last of your clothing, Mark came bursting in, nearly causing you to throw the nearest object at him. His eyes were blown wide open, darting around the room until he focused on you. “Is there anyone else in here?”

“No?” You placed down the glass vase back on the bedside table, walking towards him. “It’s just me. Are we leaving soon?”

Gulping, he nodded. “Yeah—we’re just missing a few people. They’re probably in the training room, or still getting ready. Um, you can come with me, though—Jeno wants to talk to you.”

You scowled at the sound of his name, wanting to do literally anything other than listen to the blond guy boss you around like he needed you to convince himself that he had power. You weren’t sure if he would ever get it; there was no way you were going to listen to anything he said, ever.

You walked down with Mark anyway, making sure to pocket your phone alongside you. Jisung had called you earlier, telling you quietly how he missed you and wanted to see you as soon as he could, and you had just chuckled, saying it would happen soon. It had hurt your heart, hearing your younger brother sound so broken over the call, but there was nothing you could give other than the empty promise of ‘maybe.’

Once you had reached the lobby, you noticed there was a line of Lee fighters, that were all (so surprisingly) male. Almost each and every one of them watched as you walked down the steps beside Mark, looking you up and down like you were some kind of specimen. It made you feel unknowingly self-conscious, having so many men stare at you without an ounce of remorse in their blood.

Jeno was in the corner, sitting next to an elderly but sharp looking man, talking intently with him until the man’s eyes fell on you. You wished you could have spat in his face from the way his eyes skimmed your body, a man who looked old enough to be your father. As you came closer, he stood up, giving you a slight bow, which you returned.

“Thank you for joining us, Y/N,” his voice was raspy, looking from Jeno to you, and then to Mark. “We’re glad to have one of the best soldiers in NCT Park for this mission, who is, I’ve heard, you? It’s an honor.”

Jeno gave an incredulous look to his father, looking at you with huge eyes that you thought they’d better burst from his sockets any moment soon. “Would you take a seat next to my son, miss?”

You cocked your head at the sound of formality, nodding slightly before sitting down stiffly beside Jeno, not feeling the man in front you had good intentions at all. Glancing over at your fiancee, you said, “I appreciate the deal you have fixed with my family; that is why I am here.”

The man nodded, looking up at Mark. “Your brothers are already on their way to the hideout, Mark, there’s no reason to go looking for them any longer. Get the cars ready, and make sure the system is set up before we arrive there. Okay, son?”

You had already found out from Mark that he himself was not a fighter, but a hacker instead. It explained why he always had an electronic device in his hands and why he had a notepad on deck every time he came to visit you; he was always ready, and dedicated to the cause. It reminded you of yourself.

He nodded, scurrying out of the room being followed by a few of the men. Jeno’s father leaned over, completely disregarding his son as he spoke to you. “We’re having you join Jeno’s team for this mission, so please effectively cooperate with him. Proper equipment is supplied in the van you’ll be taking alongside with the team, and if you need any assistance with weapons, my son will help you.” Jeno grumbled softly at the mention of himself, leaning back against the sofa.

“We are infiltrating the hideout for today, so we’ll only be providing blades for this mission. There shouldn’t be many people other than guards outside, and it will be an easy in and out mission for the treasure. Understood?”

You nodded. “And what of the mission? Is there anything I’m required to collect?” Jeno’s dad clicked his tongue at the sound of your voice, almost as if he disapproved of you talking. “Excuse me?”

“I understand you are a Park,” he continued, disregarding your question completely as he looked over to Jeno, who was sitting beside you. “And I am aware that your people raise their women as fighters, and I have nothing against it; any family shall wish to raise their children in any way they please. But in the Lee household, we do not condone any of the sort. You may have already realized that women are of a scarcity to the public eye, we like to keep it that way.”

Explains why your guys look at me like they want to eat me. You raised your eyebrow, scoffing internally at where this was going. What year are we in? Or rather, what century?

“Of course, I am sure my son has already informed you of your duties as his future wife, I believe?” The man pursed his lips, focusing steadily on Jeno. “And how to properly address all men with—well-deserved respect, of course?”

There was a flash behind your eyes, telling you that if you killed this man right now, everything coming out of his disgusting mouth would cease, but you had seen it coming anyway. The misogynistic nature of the palace, the way men looked at you like you were some kind of prey that should kept away like gold, it was very obvious.

But you plastered a smile onto your face, stopping Jeno as he began to speak. “Of course, sir. I am a Park after all, as you mentioned, so I believe it will take me some time before I can become accustomed to their new—expectations. My intention here is—well—to serve as you expect.”

Jeno’s father laid out a bright smile, showing that he believed your obedient antics as he stood up with a clap of acceptance. “I expected a bit of retaliation, as you are a Park, but you seem to have understood your position. I am glad, Miss Park, that you are able to fit our high standards.”

High standards my ass. You stood up shortly after, giving a small bow as he left, walking out of the room, presumably back to his office. With a roll of your eyes, you looked back at Jeno, who was standing next to you. “You assholes really are living in the 19th century, aren’t you?”

He ran a hand through his blond hair, glancing over at you in shock of how you had just spoken to his father versus himself. “You—what the fuck? You literally just said you’d listen!”

“Ignorant Lees,” you scolded, letting out a sound of pure disgust, thinking of the way his father had just spoken to you about women as if they were an object. “No wonder we hate you. Oppression of women like this is something you all should die for.”

But I can’t kill him yet. Jeno sighed at the sight of your defient figure, knowing that you weren’t about to give into the Lee ways. “You’re in our house now, might as well just act like a Lee too. Might make your life a lot easier.”

I need to know what they want from me first. I have to find out what their obsession with me is. “Life isn’t simple, Lee, and especially not mine. I will not ‘act’ like a Lee, and I will not hesitate to slice your ears off for being ignorant.”

“Can’t you just,” he rubbed at his temples, wondering how he was even going to control you during the mission, “act like a lady? Like a girl? Be nice and shit, you know?”

With a soft growl, you jabbed sharply at the man’s stomach, making him fall back into the couch with a loud thud, gaining the attention of the other fighters. You gave them all a little smile, waving them away as you turned back to the man you were supposed to call your fiancee. “You’re fucking crazy—”

You slapped both of his thighs, making all of the others look back at you as you straddled his lap, grabbing his neck between your hands. “Lee,” you said in a hushed tone, pressing a finger to his windpipe as he attempted to speak. “You’re young, you’re handsome, and you’re an absolute idiot. Use that brain of yours to think for a bit, just a little. Think of all the time women treated you so good, listened to you like you were their master.”

Jeno’s breath hitched as your grip on his neck tightened, his surprise turning to anger and then...arousal? “They were all on their knees for you, weren’t they? Giving you exactly what you wanted, when you wanted, making you feel like you were so in control. You liked that, didn’t you?”

“Women are not any less than men,” your tone was so soft now, but harsh in his mind as your hands grew hotter and hotter in his skin. “We never were. You are the same age as me, I am not any less important that you are and most certainly not because I am a woman.”

He didn’t know if he was supposed to be finding all of this so very hot, but he couldn’t help but want the grip around his neck to tighten. Jeno watched you with as steady eyes as possible, but you could see him faltering with your movements, letting you know silently that you had won this time.

“Watch your mouth, Lee,” you spat, a little louder as you got off of him, turning away to where Mark reentered the room, calling everyone out. “It could cause you some trouble in the real world.”

“I don’t really get it either,” Mark said, gaining your attention. “I mean—I heard you talking to Jeno. I don’t really get why my father’s always so—stupid about the whole gender thing.”

You were sitting in the back of the van, beside Mark as he attempted to show you his interesting gadgets that he had set up very intricately. It wasn’t that you were necessarily interested in whatever he was showing you, but rather that there was a less likely chance of you wanting to kill him over the other Lees or Jeno.

You nodded slowly, glad that at least one person had a bit of common sense. “I haven’t—seen any women around other than my servant. Where even—are they?” The question was more to yourself than to him, the curiosity of where they were hidden in the palace intriguing you.

“There are women in the house,” he continued, typing into a laptop that was showing some corrupt-looking software. “I—have sisters. They’re in the east wing, though, away from everyone else. They aren’t allowed out of their rooms unless they want to talk with the others, and there’s an old drawing room where they all gather.”

“Men aren’t really allowed in the east wing,” Mark glanced over at you, shining remorse in his eyes. “Not unless they’re married to them. Or if—it’s their mother. I visit my mom sometimes, but I haven’t seen my sisters since—well, a long time.”

“I mean, I used to sneak up there when I was younger to talk to my sisters—and Jeno actually used to come with me, but our father found us one day and—he wasn’t happy. He gave us a long lecture about how men and women weren’t equals and whatnot, it was basically just bullshit.”

“I still go though,” he let out a short cough, avoiding your gaze. “I see my sisters in my mom’s room all the time, but other than that—I really can’t.”

Your eyes widened at his words. They don’t allow siblings to see each other? What kind of—oppression is this? Isn’t it too much? You thought back to your home, where you had grown up alongside your baby brother your entire life, caring for him so deeply.

It hurt to even think about not having a relationship with Jisung; he was probably the only other person that you truly loved other than your mother. “Are you—serious?”

“Yeah,” his voice was smaller, the clash of the keyboard masking the pain as he gulped. “Um, we’re almost there. There’s—blades in the front, and like—other weapons and stuff. I don’t think you’ll need that many, anyway, we aren’t expecting much resistance anyway.”

“I will slice your arm off,” you hissed at one of Jeno’s teammates, scowling as they eyed you as if you were candy, but then widened their eyes at your harshness. “Which one do you want? I take requests everyday, you know.”

Jeno watched the scene from behind, stepping in to grab your arm and pull you away from them, sheathing the knife you had out back into the safety of your boot. You yanked yourself back, cursing at him for having such a tight grip, wanting to punch this man as well.

You looked so—confident, in Jeno’s point of view. Maybe a little too confident from the way you always stood straight and held yourself up as if you were more powerful than any other one of the Lees in the crowd currently, and he wanted to test it. He wanted to test to see if you, a woman, were just as confident as you portrayed yourself to the people.

“Why doesn’t Park go in first?” Jeno suggested out of nowhere, the sound rattling through everyone’s ears as they looked at him. “Unless, anyone else would like to volunteer themselves? You’re free to go.”

Silence rang through the air, making you look back at the men with an eyebrow raised, surprised that no one offered themselves. Mark scurried over to where Jeno was, whispering a short few words into his ear before his brother pushed him away, scowling. “I don’t really care.”

“—Is your friendly chatter over, Lee?” You asked with an amused expression, titling your head sideways at him as he glanced back over to you. “Shouldn’t you take the lead, as well, the leader of your unit? Or would you rather pass it down to a measly little Park?”

The last word was mockery, allowing a small smirk to break from your face as he stepped closer to you. “No, I’d rather test you. As the leader, I think I’d like to see what kind of skills my future wife supposedly has.”

Future wife. The title burned a fire inside your bones, urging you to move a step forward and stab him. Future wife my ass, fucker.

“If you insist,” you continued, turning around to avoid his stance. “I’ll move in first then, if it’s such a game for you Lees. The rest can follow.”

“Don’t order my men around.”

You clenched your teeth, shooting a sharp gaze to the blond man. “The rest can follow.” Disregarding his want to start another argument, you left him behind, moving past from behind the van to where the hideout was, guarded nicely by large guards.

You wished you had been given another weapon, because the knife inside your boot was not going to kill the two of them without adding suspicion to the other. Fuck Lees and their stupidass policies. They’re gonna get themselves killed.

Well lucky for them, they had you. The blade went soaring straight into the back of the first guard, a pierce to the heart as he fell a silent thud, making the other unaware as he was turned around. You made your move them, whipping your head back once before creeping towards the man, pulling the knife out as quietly as you could.

It didn’t seem to be completely quiet, however, since the other guard had whirled back to see you crouched over the now-dead man. He raised his glock, moving to shoot at you and missing as you sent the blade into the flesh of his shin, making him fall down.

Crawling over to the other man, you wrestled the gun out of his hands slipping it into your belt as you slit his throat with a quick motion, making sure to look away as you did so. As much as you had fought and killed all your life, the one thing you could never get over was the sight of a person loosing their life, no matter how horrible their deed was.

You stood up, looking back to where you had been hiding to see no one, your eyes rolling annoyingly. Jeno has most likely ordered the rest of his fighters to the back of the hideout, giving you absolutely no backup. Eithier he had full confidence in you, or he wanted you to die, and you knew it was the latter.

Moving past the gate, you scanned the area with a quick eye, realizing that there were no other guards to be seen. It was weird, even though Mark had told you before that many weren’t going to be there, but it was odd for a hideout to have less than ten guards. Perhaps, there were more in the back?

As you moved closer to the building, you hid on the side, pressing yourself against the wall as you eased closer to the door. Just as you did so, you felt a hand pulling the glock out of your belt, making your heart jump for moment before you put a hand over the gun and swiped with your other hand, hoping to get the person in the neck.

But a tight grip was met with your wrist instead, your eyes focusing on Jeno’s as he smirked in pride. The motion made you growl, twisting your hand out of his and raising your leg up quickly, giving him a hard blow to the abdomen.

“Fucking asshole,” you watched him collapse, groaning slightly as you stepped closer, and then took a step back. “Trying to play with me? Dangerous game, Lee. Stick to your gun play, maybe, I have better physical skills.”

Just as you turned your head, a hand was on your ankle, yanking you down harshly on top of the man. It was a slight miss, the knife skimming the end of his ear as you took account to what he just did. “Physical skills? Bullshit, Park. You’re weak.”

This wasn’t the place to do any of this, but you sat up hastily anyway, wrapping one hand around his throat as you did so. Judging from the way he liked it so much earlier, you expected that he would go limp when you did that, and the assumption was correct. Your knife pulled up from beside him, coming close to his face instead.

“I’m weak? You’re the one trying to kill me when we’re here for other purposes.” You were tempted to nick his gorgeous face, let just a drop of blood trickle down those sharp features. “All you have is strength, Lee. No brain, no logic, not even a bit of skill.”

Climbing off him, you watched as he shook himself back to his senses, the huge eyes being replaced by his rough ones. “Are you admitting to not having strength then, Park? Because I’ll have to agree with you on that.”

“You’re such a child,” you said for the second time, the words hitting him with a roll of his eyes. “No wonder all you Lees are so competitive, it must be a hereditary disease. The need to be the best, what a joke.”

Jeno’s eyes flashed with your mockery towards his family, his eyes moving quickly to a new guard standing behind you, aiming with a glock towards your head. He wasn’t sure if the guard even noticed him, but he definitely thought he didn’t when a bullet went through his head, marking his death immediately.

“You talk to much but do so little,” he looked over at you, grabbing you by the arm and shoving you forward. “You haven’t proved shit to me yet, then, and I don’t care if you think my family is competitive. We fucking are, and we like to win.”

“Start boasting about skill when you’re the highest family of NCT,” he nudged you towards the entrance. “I haven’t even seen the Parks on the chain, and you know why? Because you cannot win.”

The two of you were now inside the building, pressed against the wall as you tried not to screech back. “Not everything is a game, Lee.”

“Wrong,” the both you were now at the end of the hallway, his breath hot in your ear. “The entire world is a game, Park. We’re all just a bunch of players.”

The last syllable of his word ended with a loud clink to the front of the two of you, a grenade being thrown to end of the hallway. It burst almost immediately, and surprisingly, smoke covered the area instead, the disgusting scent filling up your lungs fully.

Jeno gave out a violent cough, covering his mouth as he attempted to see through the dark colors, his eyes straining as smoke filled his vision. There wasn’t supposed to be anyone inside, it was just the drugs that they were here for, stocked high in the hideout which was barely guarded.

But he knew something was wrong, when he reached forward with his hand to feel nothing but the air, your presence completely gone. “Park? PARK?!” Jeno stretched out both his arms, feeling around him as his heart sped up, his skin only meeting the cool brick of the wall.

Fuck, he had messed up. He had one job, and that one job was to make sure you were safe. It was supposed to be easy, a way to mock you through this whole mini mission, and he had promised his father that he would look after you. You, of course, were the prize after all.

Even Mark’s warning with bright in his head from earlier, the ‘she can’t get hurt, or else you know what’ll happen’ that he had ignored with a thought of ‘nothing will happen.’ “Park?! Fuck, Park! Where the fuck are you?!”

His voice was loud, almost an imitation of himself as he heard it echo through the hallway, not a person in sight or feeling distance. “Jeno!”

Jeno whipped his head back at the sound of his name, the sound being all too familiar as he saw a light at the end of the hallway, the door being wide open as he moved closer, his vision covering him from seeing anything. As he got closer, his knees bucked, almost making him fall before the owner of the voice yanked him out, pulling him back outside.

“Did you see who set it off?” Mark pulled his brother up, his eyes scanning the other’s as he coughed out the rest of the smoke. His mind was going haywire right now, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the smoke or from the fact that he had completely lost you— “Jeno!”

He pushed off Mark from his body, making the other man stumbled back as he took a seat against the wall, leaning back as he rubbed at his eyes. “I fucking—”

Jeno closed his eyes again, thinking back only seconds ago to where he had just murmured into your ear, the bomb going off right as he finished. There was no way you had gotten out, he would’ve been able to at least see you make your way back.

Your presence had gone almost as quickly as it was there, like you had vanished in a single moment, as if you had never existed in the first place. He grabbed his hair in his hands, letting out a low snarl. “She was fucking—right there! Right there, Mark! She was right, fucking—in front of me. I w-was talking to her, and the bomb went off and she literally vanished.”

“You lost her?”

If only he had been more aware of what they were actually doing there, and the mission they had to finish quickly, maybe he wouldn’t have taken his time to mock you. But it wasn’t true, he would’ve done anything in his power to prove that you were less than what you seemed, and it was exactly what he tried to do, while loosing you in the process.

The smoke had dissipated after a few minutes, and a few of Jeno’s team came out the door, hands full of suitcases and bags. Even when inquired by him, they swore that it wasn’t them that set off the bomb, and that it must’ve been a trap that the owners of the hideout set up. But it didn’t make sense, when they told him that they searched the whole building and found no one; there was no fucking way that you could’ve gone away that easily.

“Maybe she ran away?” One of the men whispered to the other, making Jeno perk up to them. “That’s all girls can do anyway, fucking run away from problems like the filthy sluts they are. She should’ve stayed inside like a good girl.” The sound of degradation going to your name set something off inside of him, making him step closer to the batch of men as they chuckled heartily.

“Watch your mouth, soldier,” he grabbed the first one by the collar, pulling him up to his face. “I’ll make you bleach your tongue clean if I hear words like that coming out of you again, hear? You’re talking about Park Y/N, one of the highest ranked soldiers of NCT, and I expect some respect would go to her. Hear?”

Jeno shook of the guy, pushing him back as he turned to Mark, who was watching the scene with wide eyes. There was no way he had just defended your name, no fucking way he had just told his men to respect a Park. But that was what he did, and it had to be done; there was no denial that you were a better fighter than any of them there, even though he wouldn’t have admitted that only a few minutes ago.

And there was no way that you had run away, and he knew it. A Park never ran away from a fight, and regardless you, you were beyond any of the other Parks that he had met in the past. You sounded like you were of a higher breed, so much pride in your body that you wouldn’t have fled like a lower clan member. It was just all in the matter of where you had gone, or rather, who had taken you.

“Jeno, we have to go back,” Mark finally spoke up, his eyes trailing his brother’s as he looked up at him. “I know, I know, but we have to. Father will get—suspicious.” But he would get more suspicious when the team came back, the prized woman he was supposed to watch, gone from their hands in an instant.

He was right, the entire world was a game play, just filled with every human as tiny pawns that were unknown to the common world. But you weren’t a tiny pawn to the Lees, especially not to Jeno’s father, you were the queen on the large chess board, protecting yourself and everyone you. Yet he was wrong, wrong about your weakness, but his heart was bursting inside of him as he looked towards the ground.

“Let’s go, then.”

previous | next

well, part two!! so jeno’s not a COMPLETE asshole this time, but i think he still fits the POV. this took a while as well, so i hope y’all enjoyed and be rrrready for the next (and maybe final?) part!!

#yeah only jenos allowed to trash you #a marriage of inconvenience #jeno mafia au #nct mafia au #nct jeno #nct jeno x reader #jeno x reader #jeno #nct dream mafia au #nct #nct dream #jeno smut #jeno fluff #jeno angst #mark lee #mark smut #nct mark #superm mark #taeyong smut #nct dream smut #nct smut #nct dream angst #donghyuck smut #jaemin smut #renjun smut #haechan smut #jaemin fluff #haechan fluff #renjun fluff

[kirksfattitties]

asks you can smell the privilege and internalized ableism radiate from

(tw for ableism and other bigoted implications)

i’m bad at reading tone but even i understand that this is 100% you being condescending and trying to cover it up with smiley faces and false sincerity. and i don’t appreciate that.

before i get into deconstructing your shitty ableist argument, i want to explain the reasons i believe in self diagnosis (self-dx):

even professional diagnosis doesn’t start with a doctor diagnosing you. there has to be a reason for seeing the doctor. some people see a doctor in their adult life because they’re struggling, some people are taken by their parents, some people are referred or suggested that they see a specialist. whatever it is, you don’t just see a doctor and they magically give you a neurodivergency. people have neurodivergencies before they see doctors and even if they NEVER see a doctor.

the psychiatry system is flawed in MANY ways and to say that it isn’t means you’re denying the experiences of people with less privledge than yourself. also like psychiatry isn’t gonna suck your dick. you don’t have to be a bootlicker lol

in many places (hi hello i’m from america where our government tries to indirectly kill us by not providing us with adequate healthcare! i and many other people have many issues we can’t get fixed because simply our government cares more about the economy than us), seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist or going to a mental hospital or WHATEVER is INCREDIBLY expensive. and to assume that everyone has access and enough time/money/energy/transportation/whatever to do all of that is classist and elitist.

ANYTHING medical (including mental health) is biased towards white cis men. most studies are done on white cis men/boys. because of this, people who aren’t white cis men (or people who aren’t perceived as white cis men) are often not diagnosed. the system is racist. the system is sexist. the system is transphobic. people don’t know how to diagnose autism or adhd or personality disorders or other neurodivergencies or even mental illnesses in black people and other people of color, in women, in trans people, etc. and GOD FORBID someone be in multiple (or all) of those categories. saying “just go get diagnosed :)” is a privileged statement to make.

shocker! the psychiatry system is also ableist. if you’re already diasabled (whether it be mental or physical) and you see a doctor about ANOTHER disability? the doctor is most likely going to shoot you down. or at least be weary about someone having mutliple disabilities.

also most people who diagnose are neurotypical. they have never and will probably never experience neurodivergency so they can never fully understand it. they operate off of stereotypes of neurodivergent people and usually only stereotypical behavior of neurodivergent white cis men (which, as i mentioned before, is problematic for anyone who isn’t a white cis man). neurotypical diagnosers don’t know the neurodivergent culture and aren’t trained to recognize very common things (like masking for example).

a professional diagnosis can also be weaponized. not everyone can get a professional diagnosis because there are some neurodivergencies (such as autism and personality disorders) and mental illnesses (like depression) that can have legal and medical respercussions to have in your record. trans people can be denied medical and legal transition for being professionally diagnosed. people can lose custody battles for being professionally diagnosed. a professional diagnosis can be used as justification for taking away someone’s body autonomy (especially if that person is also physically disabled).

a LOT of neurodivergencies also have some type of symptom (or symptoms) that make it difficult to interact with people. troubles recognizing facial expressions, troubles understanding certain phrases and types of speech, paranoid about people, audio processing issues, being nonverbal in an environment that doesn’t accommodate for it, overstimulation, extreme social anxiety, discomfort in new situations, problems with eye contact, and a lot more. because like. for many nd people, interacting with people is very difficult and stressful. and hey. if you want to get a professional diagnosis? take a WILD guess what you have to do? FUCKING INTERACT with people! LIKE?? JEHDJJDKEKKDKDKDS. do you know how many professionally diagnosed nd people i know who made their appointment COMPLETELY on their own without help from a parent or family member or friend? LITERALLY ZERO! and i know A FEW nd people who have professional diagnoses! so if someone has social issues that prevent them from doing tasks like calling and making an appointment, showing up for an appointment, talking during the appointment, etc and ALSO doesn’t have familial or friend support (because newsflash! people who are friends/family of disabled people can still be ableist)? almost impossible to get a diagnosis! plus, the diagnosis process is TIME CONSUMING. not everyone can focus on a task for that long and not everyone can miss work/school for that long.

so those are the reasons i support self-dx. (although there’s probably more that i’m forgetting but i have adhd and it’s hard for me to remember things!)

so hopefully you now understand my reasons for believing in self-dx, and perhaps even you’re pro-self-dx now because before you were just uneducated on these issues and how they impact people who aren’t you.

but in case you’re still anti-self-dx and probably hate already-marginalized neurodivergent people, let’s talk about this horrendous ask (series of asks, actually) that i got sent. i feel like i can feel the self hatred and internalized ableism OOZING from this ask and into my inbox, so thanks for that i guess /s

“Sometimes people who self diagnose can take away from those who are actually nd, even sometimes from themselves.”

starting out strong with the ableism on this one by separating people into “self diagnosed” and “actually nd” people. self diagnosed people ARE actually nd

there’s not a limited number of nd resources. this isn’t a math equation of only x amount of people can be nd because there’s only y amount of resources. more people realizing they’re nd will actually MAKE more resources for nd people and will bring more awareness to being nd

even IF someone self diagnosed, and they go back on it later, what harm was done? they learned some coping mechanisms? they made some nd friends? neither of those are problematic and i think they’re both actually very helpful. i think nt people SHOULD learn more about nd people and stuff because i think that will lead to WAYYY less misunderstandings and WAYYYY less ableism

“There are many people who fake nds for attention,”

hey anon, what fucking world do you live in that nd’s are cool enough to fake having? because i would LOVE to live there. like, i literally had a post about my personality disorder (which i will not be specifying) i had to delete because people were sending my anons about how i was “scary” and “threatening” now that they knew i had the personality disorder i have. last year i left a discord server because the ableism i was recieving from not only the members of the server, but the mods as well. there are very few people i know irl who i tell about my personality disorder, but when i tell people about my adhd, they start treating me different. they infantalize me and make fun of me and use “jokes” about stereotypical adhd behaviors to alienate me and they even TELL OTHER PEOPLE without my permission. i was SEVERELY bullied throughout elementary and middle school for being nd. i have been refused job and educational opportunities as well as literal medical attention for being nd. people aren’t “faking” being nd, and if they were they probably wouldn’t be doing it for long because it’s not something that’s EASY to deal with.

kinda ironic that you’re saying people can’t diagnose themselves but that YOU can tell when someone is faking their diagnosis. that’s both hypocritical and a double standard.

masking exists. if you think someone isn’t “acting nd enough” they’re probably masking because they’ve been fucking bullied and harrassed. also you’re probably basing whatever you think nd is on stereotypes. not every nd person is sheldon cooper lol.

this is a side note but can we talk about how you’re literally just taking transmed rhetoric and molding it to fit nd people? like. you really come onto MY NONBINARY NEURODIVERGENT blog and expect me to validate your recycled “but what about the REAL [insert group] people?” ??? like grow up, elitist. you’re not better than anyone else just because you lick some boots 🥾 👅

“and claiming that self diagnosis (and this is just what I interpreted) is just as valid as professional diagnosis”

it is 😌

the only difference between self diagnosis and professional diagnosis is that a professional diagnosis can also get you medicine. not every neurodivergency needs meds and not every neurodivergency can be treated (at this time or even ever). for example, my pd (self diagnosed) doesn’t have a specific treatment but multiple symptoms of the pd (all professionally diagnosed) have specific treatments and medicines that work, so patients are given/diagnosed with/prescribed those instead. also, medicine doesn’t work for everyone! and sometimes people are allergic to or take medicines that will conflict with any new medicine.

“can really devalue the account of someone who actually has a disorder”

here we go again with that “self diagnosed” vs “actually nd” bullshit. literally just say you hate poor people n minorities and leave lol

someone having a different experience than you isn’t devaluing you, but if you’re the one who always has the spotlight maybe you should use your privledge uplift other marginalized people instead of feeling angry when everything isn’t all about you 100% of the time

“I have a second ask”

i don’t want it

“Plus it can be damaging for a person if they self diagnose wrong.”

how? what if they learn information that they wouldn’t’ve otherwise known like coping mechanisms that help them with their own neurodivergencies? that’s definitely not a bad thing

i think it’s funny that you bring up that people can self diagnose wrong and don’t even MENTION that doctors can diagnose wrong. like. you know. the people who GIVE OUT MEDICINE to people. i think it’s MUCH more dangerous when a PROFESSIONAL diagnosis is wrong. what are self-dx people with wrong diagnoses gonna do? read up on nd tips? maybe smoke some weed? drink some coffee? that’s about all they can do with a self-dx. but if a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL gives you an INCORRECT diagnosis, they can ACTUALLY fuck you up.

“I was recently diagnosed with PTSD, a disorder which I would have never considered I’d have.”

that’s great about your professional diagnosis! i don’t know you but i’m glad you’re finding out about yourself and getting the help you want and/or need /srs

sorry if this sounds blunt, but honestly i’m not surprised you never considered you could have PTSD. based on your asks, you sound like you have a lot of internalized ableism you need to work through and a lot more research about neurodiversity you need to do. being anti-self diagnosis is a common belief among a lot of people with internalized ableism and a lot of these same people are the ones who have no issue with and even SUPPORT auti$m $peaks. many nd organizations that are run BY nd people (like asan) actually support self-dx.

“If I had of diagnosed my own symptoms and then started treating myself or taking precautions based on my self diagnosed "condition", it could of really hurt me.”

how? taking precautions to preserve your mental health is NEVER a bad idea. i’m not ptsd, but someone i care deeply about DOES have ptsd and has shared a lot of the precautions and coping mechanisms for ptsd with me and honestly they’ve been incredibly helpful. it’s almost as if different neurodivergencies and/or mental illnesses have overlap and that’s why there’s a whole community for us to be able to share these resources and information with each other!

the same person was rejected a formal autism diagnosis because of their ptsd, plus the fact that they’re transgender and the fact they have symptoms of adhd. it’s not really my place to talk about their experience with professional diagnosis, but i’ll send this post to them and allow them to add on their experience in a rb if they’re comfortable with that. but it’s almost as if their experience with the professional diagnosis process was unhelpful, harmful, ableist, and transphobic 🧐 and unfortunately this is a pretty common experience

“Also, by self diagnosing, I devalue the account of a person with the disorder l assumed I had.”

how? if someone thinks they’re nd, they have a legitimate reason for thinking so. either they have another neurodivergency than the one they thought they had, or they’re neurotypical and need to figure themself out and have a need for support. either way, they learned more about the specific neurodivergency, more about the nd community, and more about themself. i don’t see how that’s a bad thing.

if you think self-diagnosed people’s experiences inherently have less value, that is straight up ableism. especially considering that other marginalized identities and minorities have trouble getting professional diagnoses, you might also be bigoted in some other way. or at the very least, refusing to acknowledge your privilege.

“only one more I promise”

i don’t want it

“I understand that doctors are expensive and professionals can get it wrong,”

okay. if you understand this, then dm me your information so i can bill you for the cost of my professional diagnoses, the cost for my therapy sessions, the cost for my medicine, and the cost for transportation to and from all these places. PLUS the cost of the work and school i’ll be missing for these sessions. 🤲

“but self diagnosis can be really harmful to yourself or others.”

nah, you’re just ableist and a gatekeeper lol

“If you feel like you have a disorder, go see a psychiatrist, you may have it.”

[remembers when i went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with two major symptoms of a personality disorder and said i had other symptoms of the pd as well but refused to diagnose me with the actual personality disorder because i was a minor at the time and he told me “kids don’t have personalities so they can’t have personality disorders”. i understand being weary about diagnosing children with personality disorders because they aren’t fully developed but this dude straight up told me that i didn’t have a personality. this man literally only worked with children so that means he literally never diagnosed personality disorders. this man was literally just lazy and didn’t care about his patients. this man also refused to believe me when i told him the medicine he prescribed me made my symptoms worse and even made me hallucinate. he ignored me and refused to change my medicine so eventually i just changed psychiatrists and they put me on a new medicine that DIDNT make my symptoms worse and DIDNT make me hallucinate. also i looked it up after our session and apparently ONLY people with my pd and related ones experience hallucinations on that certain medication. it’s almost like his refusal to diagnose me and ignoring my symptoms/concerns harmed me. this man also constantly misgendered me and told me that homosexuality and transgenderism should’ve still been in the dsm. like golly, it’s almost as if being queer and neurodivergent in an extremely conservative state is harmful and dangerous. and that psychiatrists aren’t immune from being homophobic and transphobic and ableist.] but yes :) perhaps i should see another psychiatrist in this conservative state :)

“I don't want to undermine anyone's actual experiences, but it can be dangerous.”

then stop undermining people’s actual experiences :)

no ❤️

“If you feel like something's wrong, go see a professional.”

the whole point of the neurodiversity movement is that there IS no such thing as a “normal” brain, so saying that neurodivergent people have something “wrong” with them is ableist.

💰 🤲 hand it over

“I don't want to offend, I just don't want anyone to get mislead or hurt. :)”

you absolutely meant to offend. you literally said that self-diagnosed people’s experiences aren’t valid and have less value than people who have professional diagnoses

i know more people who have been (and personally have been) mislead and hurt by professionals than by simply existing as a self-diagnosed person

also i want to say that being pro-self dx is NOT being anti-professional/formal diagnosis. i think that people should absolutely get a professional diagnosis (if they are able to without negative repercussions)! being pro-self dx is more inclusive of marginalized people (like people of color, women, lgbtq+ people, people with multiple disabilities, etc). pro-self dx is simply just saying that professional diagnosis isn’t the only option

(neurotypical people and anti-self dx people don’t add anything; pro-self dx neurodivergent people are allowed to add with their experiences if they want)

#asks #long post #nd adventures #ableism tw #sexism tw #racism tw #transphobia tw #misgendering mention #medical abuse mention #not star trek #homophobia tw

[purplesurveys]

1175

What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it?  My dinner had broccoli and bell peppers in it.

What was your last Facebook notification for?  It was Aliyah replying to our comment thread on one of my posts. There wasn’t anything in her comment that was worth replying to anymore, so I just reverted with a Haha react.

What bands have you seen live? Paramore, Coldplay (not super legally), and One Direction.

Tell me an interesting fact about your mother:  She almost became a flight attendant, but she failed the final screening because of her height. I think the idea of her nearly having a completely different career is very interesting.

What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13?  In my case, probably getting my period. I got my first one when I was barely 10.

What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore?  Chicken curry. I also hateeeeeeeed Dora the Explorer with a passion, but now I find the show hilarious haha.

What are your plans later today? My work sched this week had been so fucking PACKED, that I want to do nothing but catch up on sleep all weekend. But seeing as I’m a proponent of revenge bedtime procrastination, I also highly doubt I’d let myself fall into a nap (Exhibit A: Me currently taking this survey at 2 AM...) If anything, I’ll probably just continue watching BTS In The Soop and finally start on Season 2 of Bon Voyage.

Are you doing anything exciting this weekend?  Well, it’s the weekend already, so...that ^ I will also have to take Cooper to the vet this Sunday.

Who do you talk to the most? Other than my team at work, Angela. I’ve been extra talkative these days because of our now-mutual excessive love for BTS, that I sometimes feel bad that I keep bombarding her with messages.

What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old?  Talk to my friends who are still in college, especially when they update me about the current happenings in UP that I have absolutely no clue about anymore.

Who is your best guy friend(s)?  I don’t have any best guy friends.

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?  Neither; I’m fine with my tannish skin tone.

If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it?  Keep it; I already do.

Have you had an x-ray in the past year? Nah. My last one had been nearly 5 years ago, when I needed to get my back checked for scoliosis.

Do you think your first love still loves you?  No. And that’s okay. :)

What is something that is “going right” in your life?  EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGGG I am so so happy with my life right now weeeee. I have the job of my dreams – I’m even working with THE ACTUAL K-POP GROUP SLASH PHENOMENON SLASH ICONS BTS for one of the clients I handle FHKDHGKHGFDKGHDKGH, I have the best and most supportive friends in the world, and I am now starting to grow my collection of BTS merch with my hard-earned money. Everything is going abso-fucking-lutely perfectly, and to think I didn’t think I would make it past 2020.

When did you feel ready to start dating?  Middle of high school.

When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s?  I was play fighting with Cooper earlier tonight, and he got a little bit excited and ended up biting my upper lip quite harder than usual. It stung for a while, but it’s okay now.

Where were you the last time you made out?  I think it was my bedroom.

When was the last time you cried tears of joy? Yesterday.

How do you type your sad smileys?  Just this :(

Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house?  Nope.

What was the last soda you drank?  Probably the Coke I drank at an org event last year, pre-pandemic, out of sheer thirst. There wasn’t any water being served so I just gulped down the soda and tried to ignore the annoying fizziness. I don’t drink soda.

What was the last thing someone made fun of you for?  I was having a video call session with my workmates this afternoon as a way to end the week on a good note, and I recounted my experience of being locked out of the office while I was in the middle of a presentation for a client, and how I managed to get myself back in.

Have you ever had any type of surgery?  Nope.

Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent?  No.

Who was the last person to hit on you?  No one has in a while.

What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to?  A deliverable a client asked me to do. It can wait til Monday.

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone?  Maybe straight up admitting to my mom that she can be hurtful sometimes. It’s hard because she never actually processes things like that and they do nothing but vanish into thin air, even though it takes everything in me to be that honest.

What do you put on hot dogs?  Mayonnaise.

Ever fallen in the shower?  Like once, when I was 10 or 11.

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever called someone you care about?  Continued from last night. It was probably ‘bitch.’ Based on what I’ve learned from my mom, I put extra effort in particuarly watching what comes out of my mouth, because I know how words stick.

Do you think that things will get better?  I did, and now it has.

Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life?  I think I may have. The story is a little triggering though, so I wouldn’t share it.

What’s your favourite book genre?  Doesn’t really count as a genre but I like auto/biographies.

Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre?  I’ve felt like it, but I’ve never done it.

Do dogs like you?  Yes, at least for 99.5% of my experiences.

Would you say that you project an air of authority?  In certain circles. But there are some groups where I trust others to lead rather than me.

Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool?  Nah, because I’ve never seen one. But even if I did, I think I would be too scared to do it hahaha.

Do you use one towel when you shower or two? (one for hair, one for body)  One. I use it to wash my entire body already.

Have you ever been to one of the great lakes?  No.

Who do you know that had a baby recently?  The son of one of my old college instructors. I believe she had been born in March because that prof recently posted family photos on Facebook that celebrated the baby’s first monthsary.

Do you like Usher’s songs?  Not in particular.

When was the last time you went to a waterpark?  Not a big fan of these as I find them unhygienic haha. The last time must have been...like anywhere between 12-15 years ago.

Have you ever ridden a train? Just once, and I had to go with Jum because I didn’t want to go alone.

What do you eat your French fries with?  Mayonnaise. If there isn’t any available, I’d want the fries to at least be generously sprinkled with salt; otherwise I’d find it too bland.

Do you have family problems?  Nothing blatant, but I know we are more dysfunctional than how we make it out to be.

What’s the last food you ate that was stale?  Pizza. I got two extra large boxes for my birthday last Wednesday and until now we still have some of it around :((( I ate some slices at around 3 AM earlier and they were tough as fuck to chew, hahaha. Still good, though.

How do you like your grilled cheese?  I don’t have grilled cheese sandwiches often. Surprise me.

What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked?  I don’t cook.

What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid?  I liked watching my cousin play video games; playing outside; and answering my friends’ autograph books (aka my pre-survey days, lol).

Have you ever been close to drowning? Yup but just once. I was swimming and was just about to come up for air when one of my cousins, coming from the bottom of the pool, suddenly started to playfully pull me down. I was nearly out of breath by then and he had a much stronger grip on me, so I struggled for a while and ended up panicking and thrashing around a bit before I was able to wriggle myself free.

Have you ever had a panic attack?  It’s rare that it happens, but when it does it’s really bad and there’s no telling when it would subside.

Do you like doing housework?  Some, and only if I’m in the mood to. If I feel like I have to do it, then I get lazy.

Would you ever get implants?  I considered it before as a teen, back when small-chested girls were still bullied or made fun of on an everyday basis. How fucked up is that? I’m so relieved at how much social media has progressed.

Do you own a robe?  No.

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? I have a younger sister but she’s barely a baby; she’s literally turning 21 this year. Nina.

Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off?  I like crust as long as it’s normal crust or stuffed crust. I can’t stand thin crust.

What was the last song you listened to?  Euphoria - credited to BTS, but it’s a Jungkook solo.

Have any of your family members been to jail?  Not blood relatives, but I know of super extended unrelated family members who’ve been to prison. Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with?  I don’t think so. Sometimes no closure is closure.

Can you remember when you first learned how to read?  I can’t, actually. All I remember is that I suddenly wanted to read everything by the time I was 5 and asked for nothing but storybooks every Christmas.

What event in your life has transformed your personality the most?  College. Gabie also had a very big influence on me during our relationship.

Have you ever had any teeth pulled?  Yes, but it was because it was already decayed.

Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school?  No, but I do elements of it in my work so that works out well for me. I wanted to be an author when I was in grade school, and today I regularly write various materials in my job.

What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into?  I just wanna get reconnected with The Crown again. I was already into it but I had to stop watching for a LONG time, because the show had some personal connections to my ex and so it seemed hard to get into the new season without breaking down lol. Now that I’m doing fine, I feel like it’s a good time to revisit the show.

How would you feel if you were drafted for the military?  Won’t happen here, but it’s the kind of situation where I wouldn’t really have a choice and would have to follow.

What is your favorite Queen song?  I don’t have any.

Do you know how to use any foreign currency? What do you mean, use...? Don’t you just use money to pay?? Hahaha or if you mean convert, then yeah I know how to do that with several currencies – US dollar, Korean won, Euro, Japanese yen, and whatever official name the pound has.

Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you?  Nope.

Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test?  I have not.

When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do?  I usually don’t have plans laid out on weekends these days anymore, so lately it’s all been a matter of winging it and just wanting to make sure that by the end of the day I get to say I made the most out of my free time.

What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl?  The time we did museum hopping + Italian dinner, or the one where we had French dinner + jazz bar.

What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once?  I never do rewatches for movies still in cinemas.

What is the reason you’re still alive?  I was stubborn and wanted to see if life would get better; I didn’t want to leave my dogs behind; I didn’t want to miss out on how potentially great and exciting my life could end up being; I didn’t want to cause and leave an even bigger emotional rift on my family.

I’m so happy I stayed.

Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom?  Yeah. Not the best decision, and I wouldn’t do it again lol.

Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed?  Sometimes, so that it doesn’t look like a bird’s nest when I wake up the next day.

Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.)  I don’t think so. I have definitely imagined it in...other ways, though.

Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it?  Both in the superficial and loaded senses, yeah. 

How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about?  I felt kind of like shit, just because I slept for only 1.5 hours – my body automatically wakes me up by a certain time, no matter what time I fell asleep. And also because my back and shoulder muscles were killing me with how sore they felt.

Do you still tell your parents that you love them?  I show it, but I don’t say it. I’m pretty stingy when it comes to that phrase.

Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with?  Yes? It shouldn’t be limited to people you’re dating? I express it to Anj and Andi all the time.

Have you ever been threatened before?  Sure.

Would you date someone with a physical disability?  Yes.

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you?  Purely guessing, it’s likely. I’m not updated about her life anymore, though; life has been going on as if she never existed.

The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it?  I’ve never had it dyed.

Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid?  I went out by myself, so I paid.

Do you save at least 15 percent of your income?  Yeah. I had a very good saving streak in which I was able to save anywhere around 50-60% every month...and thennnn I became a fan of BTS early this month LOOOOOL so now I’m back to like square three when it comes to my savings haha. Like I still know my limits and when to fucking stop taking out money from my bank account, but I’ve been spending dramatically more than I have been in the last few months.

Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits?  I used to go much more regularly, to the point where it was a part of my daily routine. Now I go at least once a month. I usually check out the Ask Reddit (for anecdotes), Today I Learned (for trivia), and GMM subreddits. Sometimes I’ll get on the Squared Circle subreddit as well to be updated on wrestling.

Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little?  Many times as a flower girl, yeah.

Are your parents in good health?  Fortunately, yes.

Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative?  Nope.

Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason?  Not that I know of.

Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like?  I don’t have pajama sets since I find them too warm.

Do you have any interesting pillow cases?  Eh, I don’t think so.

If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be?  Shoulder muscles or my lower back.

Are you more afraid of spiders or bees?  Bees.

Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like?  No.

Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you?  Native American.

#survey #surveys

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

15. The Rise of the True King

Word Count: 3478 Trigger Warnings: Institutionalization, abortion, potential stand your ground related trauma + References to warnings of previous chapter

Previous

“Everyone was terrified of her. You can ask anyone who went to the academy. She was a terrorist. She would lure you with her sweet-as-honey routine, and then she’d just flip and become this monster. Everyone who’s come out about her, I think, it’s much braver than me. Because even though I was close to her, I had a little bit of leeway for a while. As long as I did what she wanted me to do, I was safe. But when I no longer wanted to do what she wanted me to do… we became enemies.”

“I think it’s very brave of you to speak out, as well.”

“I just couldn’t live with myself if I let her get away with everything that she’s done. All of the violence, the bullying and oppression. She is literally a beast. A monster. Luckily, I was able to see her for what she was before it ruined my entire life…”

Grace cried, watching the interview in which Simon was saying these things about her.

Her mom walked in and asked, “What are you watching?” she saw Simon and ordered, “Turn it off.”

“Do you think that he really believes this or is he just an excellent liar?”

Her mother turned the TV off and took the remote from her, “Doesn’t matter whether he believes it or not. All that matters is that he’s saying it and everyone is hearing him. What matters is that you brought him into our life and now he’s soiling our good name all over television and the internet and in books and whatever else his voice can reach.”

“We were best friends…”

“Yeah, you told us that one before. Funny, he doesn’t seem to remember that. Maybe it never was. Gee, I wonder if anyone at all tried to warn you to stay away from this boy. If ONLY someone would have told you that he wasn’t right for you and that he didn’t love you…”

The past few months had been horrific. It began when Grace tried to get online and check to see if anything had been said about her video or her outburst at school. She panicked whenever she saw news about a video of her trending. She was temporarily relieved when she saw that it was her and Simon out on the terrace, then panicked again, because it had just occurred to her why he was moving so calmly… Because on video, it looked like he was gently speaking with her and trying to console her when she punched him in the face and started whaling on him. 

Grace Monroe is Over, Grace is Cancelled, Void Grace Monroe, and The Void were all connected to every post about her. “She’s an abuser! Poor Simon. I just want to give him a hug and brush his hair.” “I knew something wasn’t right about her. The sweet act seemed fake and manipulative and the Apex underneath her was rabid and vicious.” “Yoooo… I met her and she was so nice. This is bugging me out. WHY GRACE?” “This is precisely what I mean when I say abuse goes both ways. Girls can be abusive to boys too. I hope Simon has a good support system.”

She would have laughed if she could find some emotion other than hurt… She didn’t even know that she could hurt more after the fight, but somehow, she did. But, this wasn’t right. She had gone silent for days, but it wasn’t right that they got to spin things this way. MAYBE, she WAS a little violent, sometimes. But, she had NEVER hurt Simon, and certainly didn’t abuse him! And… she had been doing so much better. She had been checking her temper and her attacks. She had been less of a bully. It wasn’t that she wanted a cookie, but it hurt that she tried so hard to get herself away from her bad child routine, only to have her partner in crime let her be crucified this way. 

She threw on some clothes, knee pads, a mask and she snuck out of her fire escape. She just wanted to talk. Maybe the paparazzi caught this on tape and went running wild with it. Maybe… her Simon was in there somewhere. She took a car and left the gates, headed for Simon’s place.

Whenever she got there, she saw that the garage was open, but it had been cleaned out a lot. It didn’t look like a workroom anymore. She didn’t know if that meant that Mr. Laurent had finally gotten closure, or was moving to a different space. But, he was there. She didn’t know how much he knew. Usually, he didn’t acknowledge much that Simon did, but who knew WHAT Simon was doing or saying at this time. “Mr. Laurent?” she said as she approached. He turned suddenly then reached for a gun. ‘WHOA!” She put her hands up. “I’m sorry. I am gonna go…”

“You came into my sacred space, destroyed the memorial for my little girl, turned my son into a monster, and you just waltz up here without a care in the world?”

“I destroyed what? Hope’s memorial. I would never do something like…”

“Never say her name again. We have a restraining order on you. Now, I suggest you leave, before I have to stand my ground.”

“I didn’t do that,” she whispered as she got back into the car. “I would never do that…” She couldn’t believe that Simon would either. She was almost ready to pray to something or someone. That must’ve been what Simon had been talking about whenever they got into that fight a couple of weeks before. He let her take the fall for that, too? Was THAT story also circulating the Internet? Her phone rang and she answered it on the Bluetooth.

“My dad called the cops on you. You really should head back home.”

“Why did you do this to me? We couldn’t just… talk it out? I know that you’re hurting. I understand that…”

“You don’t understand anything. You’ve been spoiled from the moment you were conceived. You were given everything. You never had to work for any of it. You rose to the top, and it wasn’t enough for you. You needed everybody to like you. Didn’t care whether or not I did anymore. You didn’t even notice when I started to hate you.”

“I noticed… I just thought my brain was being mean to me. You know how our brains can do that, Simon? Maybe your brain was being really mean to you to make you think that I didn’t care, because I’ve always cared about you. I came over to talk because I love you.”

“Lies.” She heard a slight waiver in his voice. Maybe she imagined it. She sniffled. “Even if I had been wrong about you, I’ve made certain that you could never look at me the same way again. I’ve done everything necessary to stop you. Nobody could still love someone after everything that I’ve done.”

“That’s not true. I can love you through anything. I always have.” She heard a sniffle on his end, then he let out a chuckle. She envisioned him dotting his finger at the corner of his eye to catch his single man tear. “Simon… let’s just meet up and talk. I’m upset, but we can still change.”

“Why would I ever want to change when I’m always right?” He asked, hypothetically. She knew that it wasn’t something that he truly believed, or at least… she didn’t think he did. It was something that she used to say to him whenever he was worried about something. She was always just saying stuff to him to make him feel better, and maybe that was his point in throwing this back in her face. 

“Simon, why are you always worried about stuff when you’re always right?” she’d asked, and now she couldn’t remember the context of that question, but maybe he had a point. Maybe she was a liar, even to him. But… she didn’t mean any harm. She meant to help him. Everybody had always been so bad to him. She was sensitive. She couldn’t stand to see the boy she loved be in pain. She unfortunately had just stood there, in denial while that boy died. “I’m sorry, Simon,” she whimpered.

“Don’t be. I’ve already handled the problem myself, Void.” He hung up on her. 

When she pulled back into the gates that night, the police were there. 

It went from her sneaking out to “stalk and harass” Simon, to them wanting to search her room for items that they believed would tie her to various crimes. Her parents were livid, fussing at the police and calling lawyers. The police were insisting that they would wait for a judge to give them a warrant if they had to. 

“Young Lady, if you have a Hope Chest with criminal souvenirs in it, the best thing to do is to cooperate with us, and maybe the judge will go easy on you.”

“I have a Hope Chest with criminal souvenirs in it,” she said. At this point, fuck it. Her life was over. She might as well go to prison too, or wherever Simon was sending her. “Simon gave me things, and that’s where I kept them. Kids always gave me things, but I’ve kept Simon’s in my chest…”

“Stop talking to them, Grace! We’re on the phone with the lawyer,” her father said and to the officer said, “We TOLD you that we were contacting our lawyer and that you were not allowed to speak to her. She is a minor and you didn’t read her any rights. Nothing that you just coerced her to say matters.”

“Am I going to jail?” Grace asked the police officer. “I’m trying to cooperate…”

The woman officer looked sad for her. The man was simply annoyed by her parents making things harder.

At the end of the night, they were able to convince the Monroes to drive Grace to the precinct to make her statement, and they were given a search warrant and Grace gave them the hope chest in question. After everything, she couldn’t believe how painful it was to let go of this. But, it was understandable too. This was years of tokens of Simon’s friendship and love (and maybe even worship). Simon had taken back everything he’d ever given her from his heart. She would have thought that would have been her breaking point.

The lawyers would have to battle to prove that all of these things were given to her and that she wasn’t associated with the crimes in question, but Simon, being the little shit he was had what was tantamount to a ledger of crimes and the souvenirs that were taken from them. Some of them Grace was present for, some she wasn’t. Simon was giving the information up, so that made him look less guilty, like she had somehow maneuvered all of it. She would admit that she was responsible for a few. But, more often than not, Simon’s temper brought on a lot of these crimes. She simply had been so fond of him that she liked that about him. They were young. It was them against the world.

But, with this new narrative of her being a juvenile delinquent and puppet master, Simon had to look even more sympathetic. How, you ask? Releasing his “journals.” Simon had notebooks full of his obsession with Grace and the things that he would do for her. While her lawyers insisted that if anything, they should prove that SIMON was responsible for these things, there were going to be doubts. Grace had been the one to establish their presence at the Academy. People hadn’t touched him because they knew that she was powerful enough to shield him. She had bent fingers back. She had uppercut Shana. She had punched Simon repeatedly on her terrace, for simply talking to her.

Her parents insisted that she tell them what they could use against him, starting with why she had attacked him on the terrace. They were getting desperate to clean this matter up. She couldn’t do it, and she knew that Simon knew that she wouldn’t. She knew that Simon knew that there was no way that her mouth would ever admit to her parents that Simon made a sex tape of her and spread it around the school. If they were going to find that out, it couldn’t be from her.

And now, still going through settlements, trying to keep her record clean, and a very emotionally disturbing trip to the gynecologist, there she was, watching him on TV, speaking about her this way. Her mother, who couldn’t even be bothered to hold her hand as she cried about having to have an abortion at the edge of 17, standing there judging her and giving her “I told you so’s.” This boy was ruining every fabric of her. He knew her from the inside out and he was ripping everything to shreds and making everybody witness it…

"We loved each other, once. The things we did for each other, with each other…”

“It is an embarrassment to our reputation and to your father and I, personally. We thought we raised you better than this. We even accepted it when you brought that common rodent into our home, into our lives, and we treated him like he was worthy of respect because you asked personally. We should have known not to listen to you. You make bad choices. You’re not very smart. You’re difficult to love. It was such a wonder that you even had a friend, that we accepted him. Even though he was nothing more than vermin… and he proved that we’ve been right not to associate with the likes of common folk. You played with your pet rat, then left him outside of his cage. And now he’s covered our name in filth. Best friend… he clearly never thought you were worth anything. The moment he found a route to success without you, he took it. Left you criminalized, brokenhearted and pregnant. We taught you better than this.”

“You didn’t teach me a goddamn thing!” 

Mrs. Monroe slapped Grace in the face at that declaration. She had never been so bold before to do this. She’d usually cut Grace down with words, maybe a little force of hand. But just to slap her in the face? Never before. Then again, Grace had been infuriating for months. Not cooperating with the people trying to save her from this Simon mess, making them look bad, making terrible decisions… PREGNANT? She came crying, in the midst of a massive media scandal and a dive from high society to add to her growing criminal accusations that she spent an entire weekend letting that scarecrow impregnate her? Her mother had had it. On top of all this, she dares to curse at her and raise her voice? 

But, when she slapped her in the face, Mrs. Monroe immediately regretted it. Maybe there was some truth to Grace’s accusation. Because, how else could she have fucked up this royally with such a substandard child as Simon Laurent? These were things that she thought about all in a moment’s time. Because when she parted her lips to apologize, for once for losing her temper so badly and slapping her only daughter in the face, she didn’t get the chance to speak it out loud. Instead, she met the Grace that the kids were allegedly afraid of. She had to admit, that was terrifying.

Grace roared and attacked, at this point, angry at her mother, angry at Simon, angry at herself… Mostly herself. She had lost her only friend. She wasn’t perfect. She failed him, her parents, herself… and she didn’t even have a career anymore. She didn’t even have his tokens anymore. She didn’t have… a baby… that she would have been hard pressed NOT to love with all of her heart, even coming from him. But, she knew that with all of this, there was no way that she could add, “teenage mother” and that kid probably would have been taken away from her like everything else.

Next thing she knew, she was at the mental facility. She heard them promising to take care of her. She heard them ask her parents about scheduling visits. she heard her father sternly say, "We will not be back unless you contact us to tell us you’ve fixed her.” she cried. So, now they believed in getting her help? When she was so far gone that she couldn’t think straight? or… was this just goodbye? She caused them so much distress they decided that they’d rather shut her away than ever have to deal with her failures again? She began to pace, crying profusely. She had never been this alone before… and her only comfort now was a needle that forced her to sleep.

Simon received a barrage of tags and he opened the story to see multiple publications covering Grace being dragged from her home, kicking and screaming and being brought into a mental institution. His heart stopped. His first impulse was to cry. He felt the tears creeping up, but he cleared them away fast. It wasn’t his fault she turned him against her. This was what she got for misleading him. He smirked and reposted her screaming like a demon while they tried to get her into the vehicle, with the caption, “Stop sending me this shit.”

He was closing a book deal about all of this. There had been reports of seeing Grace be concealed and sneaking to a facility where it was speculated that teenage elites go to “get rid of certain problems.” A few Apex girls admitted that it was THE go to place for a rich girl to have a quiet abortion. That was the main thing that they went there for, though a few said that it was also to confirm pregnancies before sending them off (for the more religioso types) and to “hide an attack or abuse” for the straight up monsters raising teen girls. The point was that everyone seemed to agree that there was no way that Grace was going there for anything other than handling a pregnancy however the Monroes saw fit.

On the one hand, he couldn’t imagine ever having a family with anyone else, at one point. On the other, he was rising to his true form. 17 now, and famous without her. Every publisher wanted his book. Every personality wanted an interview. Every student wanted to stay in his good graces. Colleges were looking at his situation as a survivor and a scholar, helping him transition from the break up between himself and the Monroes, and he had taken the Apex over. Grace was voided. He had won. The true king had risen, with a new vision for his future. Over time, he knew that the old dreams would fade. Her face, her laugh, her eyes, the scent of her hair, the feel of her warmth when she held him close and cupped his face, the shivers it sent through him when she lied and said that she cared, that she loved him, that she was his…

He couldn’t get close to anyone else. It just wasn’t possible. Even if he thought he could trust someone. All they had to do to make him think about her was enter his personal space, and he couldn’t have that. He dreamed about her, still. About their good times. He even sometimes thought that when they gave themselves to each other that she was sincere, that this access to her body wasn’t just another weapon that she was using to make him her slave. Because, she almost had him that weekend. He was ready to give up everything he planned to do to take her out. He was ready to submit to her again and settle for whatever warped notion of love she expected him to take. 

Then, he’d remembered his vision of the void that had taken her away from him. He remembered the impending loneliness of her being the one with the power to leave him. He pushed the feeling of her body and their fake union from his mind long enough to do what needed to be done. After that, everything started falling into place. 

By the time he watched the videos and some with remixes of her own songs (his favorite being one about being “Taken Away” (by love) as she was dragged off… he realized that all of his fondness of them was basically dried up. Without that attachment holding him back, his mind couldn’t even fathom how far he could go.

Next

#If They Didn't Get on the Train #AU Infinity Train #Infinity Train #Nesha Fanfiction #Infinity Train Fanfiction #fics

[justjessame]

Takes One To Know One Chapter 1

Could a person die of boredom? Was it possible? I was pondering this worrisome conundrum, during a very worrisome time indeed, when I was told by one of the men I kept close by for security that we’d had a breach. FINALLY, I thought, something to end the monotony AND put a pin in my fear that I’d end up a fucking mindless insatiable corpse from the WORST end possible.

“Really?” My eyebrow arched in hope laced incredulity. After all, one reason for the boredom was the fact that my security was just that fucking amazing. “Someone managed to actually BREACH our boundaries?” I contemplated the very idea and where the possible breach happened, where our defenses could be weak.

John, tall, broad shouldered and smouldering John, nodded while looking like he’d love to be squirming under my scrutiny. I didn’t drop my focus, enjoying his discomfort, knowing that it bothered him that someone my size and gender could make him feel so inadequate and also knowing that he would just as easily have me pinned against the wall behind me if I asked him to. “We have him in the cafeteria,” the main area, big enough to keep secure and maintain control while allowing our group to watch the fun.

I’d lucked out when I took over the community college, fences and buildings were in good repair, a little tweaking here and there and we had a perfect place to ride out the ‘end of days’ as our resident doomsdayers kept muttering about. “He wouldn’t stop talking, so Max used some duct tape.” I grinned, Max was nothing if not resourceful.

I got up from the comfortable desk chair that I’d been seated in, the president’s office was mine, it seemed fitting given my role in our group. John stepped back and my smile held as his head dropped slightly in a natural sign of reverence. When he handed me my crowbar, the gauze and fabric taped grip toward me, I took it as gracefully as if he’d handed me an umbrella.

“Thank you, John.” I moved through the open doorway. “Maybe you and I can have a little time alone, later.” I bit my lip when I heard a small moan come from the large man following me, I wondered what Max would want for his ingenuity for use of duct tape in a time of need? Well, John first, then I’d think up something memorable for Max after I had a look see what my pets drug in.

The cafeteria was crowded. The tables pushed aside, since it was that awkward time between meals and the workday was nowhere near finished, but it wasn’t everyday that we had a breach. The crowd parted like the sea had for Moses when my boots met the tiles, knees hit the floor just as fast as I walked past, but my eyes were on Max and Greg, and the lean stranger they held between them.

His eyes were locked on me as I approached, and my smile grew as his dimples peeked at me from the duct tape that Max had been frugal with in keeping him quiet. He wasn’t struggling, in fact, if I didn’t know better I’d say he was exactly where he wanted to be. “Why, Max, it looks like you got me a present,” I stared up at the lanky stranger who stared right back without blinking. “Did you at least ask for a name before you pressed his mute button?” I was holding my weapon of choice loosely, swinging it gently by my hip, an idle gesture, still somewhat bored. His laugh lines were deepening around his eyes, amusement while surrounded wasn’t a normal response in these less than normal times so I was a touch intrigued.

“Megan?” Max and Greg shared a look and both shrugged. “It sounded like Megan or Regan.” I kept them around for usefulness and attractiveness, not necessarily for the depth of their intelligence or memory.

I snorted. “His name is either Megan, like a five year old girl, or Regan, a dead president?” He was shaking his head and rolling his eyes in commiseration with my feeling the need for better minions. I stepped closer and raised my free hand to an edge of the duct tape. “I apologize in advance, but-” with one rip I had the tape off and he didn’t make a sound for a moment, impressing me.

“SHIT!” Or, I thought, I gave credit too soon. “Fuckity fuck fuck.” He pulled an arm free from Max and rubbed his hand across his mouth. “Christ, are my fucking lips still fucking-” I waited for him to get himself under control. Clearly the pain had made him stupid. “Negan.” He bit the word out and I was still staring at him. “My name? You asked, they fucked it up, it’s Negan.”

“I guess that’s better than Megan, and definitely an improvement on Regan.” I nodded to Max and he pulled out the roll of tape. Negan’s eyes widened.

“Wait a minute,” he held the hand he’d pulled free up. “Why don’t we discuss-”

“You’re right, Negan.” He looked pleased and smug. “We should discuss how you breached our perimeter.” John brought me a chair and I sat, laying my clean and nicely balanced crowbar across my lap, my chair was close enough so I could look up at Negan. “Where did you come in?”

While I waited for him to choose what he was planning on telling me, I took in the man before me. Pants, worn but serviceable. Layered shirts, leather jacket, bloodstains, all fairly normal given the current climate. Short hair that was longer on top, scruffy face, also fairly common. Boots, also worn but in good shape given that they had to be several years old. Shrewd eyes, and I had bets on just how silver his tongue could be.

“You have a spot, behind the ag building, near the east edge of the grain garden,” I glanced at Greg and he nodded that he was making a note of it. “If your guards ran on a more regulated schedule, I had them pegged at fifteen minute rotations,” my lip querked. I wasn’t planning on helping him out with a corrected time table. “Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Fuck there found me and here we are.”

I smiled even as John and Max stiffened at their new monikers. “You told me where you came in, but not how you knew our layout.” His expression changed only subtly. “Who sent you?”

“No one sent me,” his head tilted to match mine, and he smiled back. “I just saw your setup here and couldn’t help but want to join.”

“Leave us,” I didn’t raise my voice, I didn’t have to. John told the crowd to get back to work, Max and Greg directed traffic and I kept my eyes on our uninvited guest. Soon it was just me, him, and my three current closest ‘advisors’. “Greg,” smaller than Max or John, was also the stronger of the three. “I think you have a weak spot to look into.” A curt nod and he was on his way. Max moved to stand closer to Negan but I stopped him with a look. “You and John should have a conversation with our current guards, see if anyone’s,” my eyes were still on Negan and he looked far too unconcerned for me to feel serene. “See who’s newest to the list. When they were added, where they came from.” Nothing, not even a twitch. “See if anyone on the guard list has a new friend, same questions.” They left and then it was two.

“You seem pretty confident that you’re safe alone with me,” he was still standing and I was still comfortably seated. “That either means that you are the ULTIMATE badass,” he wasn’t pacing, no, he’d found a place to lean and he looked as at ease as I was. “OR you’re the supreme head of EVERY goddamn thing here.”

“Maybe I’m both,” I crossed my ankles and waited to see what he planned on offering me. Every person who came in wanted to barter. Be it I’ll be this, if you grant me that or back my people in this, and we’ll happily hand you this much of our take in supplies. This world was nothing if not negotiable. “What are you?”

He snorted and stared down at me with something that smacked vaguely of condescension, which I truly hoped he wasn’t stupid enough to employ. “Me?” He bit his lip and his eyes roamed over my small form sitting in the chair that John had brought for me. “I’m YOU.”

I laughed, thinking that he must have gone completely insane during the time since the first corpse rose and started eating people. “You’re me?” I blinked at him, wondering if perhaps he was right and I was overly confident at being alone with him. If he was batshit crazy, even a crowbar to the head might not fucking work. “I think we’re a little too different for that to be plausible.”

He shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Not literally.” Well that was a relief, he wasn’t completely insane. “I WAS you. I had ALL this. Different time, different place. Different genitals.” I snorted. “Different weapon.” His eyes fell to my lap and my hand curled around the fabric and tape bound handle, tensing slightly. “It’s temporary, all of it, I fell, so will you.”

“That sounds like a threat.” I smiled up at him, thinking if nothing else he was amusing. “Are you thinking that you want another go at leader of a pack, Negan?” He shook his head, but his lips weren’t cooperating, the smirk was lurking, even as he fought it. “You can taste it, can’t you? The power. Having them kneel.” I could see it, he really had had it once, a tiny pinch in his eyes told me more than all the words that his mouth could ever spill. “How long were you the king of your mountain?”

“Fleetingly,” his voice had lost the strength he’d led with, and I went back to carefully studying him. “It wasn’t- Nothing is permanent. Not anymore.”

I wondered what broke him, because something clearly had, even if he still had bursts of something. Something almost magnetic. “And you want to join us?” The disbelief was palpable. “Why?”

His eyes, never far from meeting my own, laser focused on mine and he stopped fighting his lips urge to curl into a smile. “I’m a joiner, and this?” He threw his arms wide and gestured around us. “This is just too good to NOT want to join.”

I snorted again, feeling slightly as if I were turning into a pig. Squinting I leaned forward to stare up into his eyes. He stared back. “How is it your eyes aren’t dark brown?” He raised an eyebrow and I went on. “Since you are clearly so full of fucking shit that it has to be up to your fucking forehead.”

His grin grew, if possible and I was reminded of the Joker from Batman. “Why are you so cynical? I told you, I WAS you, I’m a font of fucking knowledge-” he stopped studying me as he seemed to be puzzling out something. “What the fuck is your name?”

I bit my lip and fought the laugh threatening to bubble out of me. Before I could answer, John was back. “Megan?” I turned to see what he needed and I heard our new recruit give a snort of his own.

“Like a five year old girl, wasn’t it?” I rolled my eyes as John came closer, but my hand twitched on my trusty crowbar when he added, “guess it makes sense since you LOOK like a fucking-”

“I’d be VERY fucking careful with how you finish that sentence, Negan.” I didn’t turn to look at him, I was still waiting for John to tell me whatever he needed to. My tone was clear, watch it, and I wasn’t surprised that he listened. “What is it, John?”

John updated me on the trio’s progress. The breach point was easily found and mended. They were ‘interviewing’ our current group of guards. Since I made it a point to rotate duties, not only guards, but throughout our community this wouldn’t take long, but if I wasn’t satisfied that Negan had just stumbled onto us by some fucking wild coincidence then we might have to widen our net. I listened and considered the next steps I wanted to take, while tossing the interloper into one of our ‘holding areas’ sounded fucking wonderful so I could take a nice relaxing pounding with John, or Max, or Greg, I knew that I’d have to deal with the stress of the mess first.

“Finish the interviews,” I advised, studying the wall across from me as I made up my mind. “Focus on the lonelier females, the ones that seem needier than most. And any of the men who like to play follower more than leader.” John was nodding when I finally looked back at him again. “If no one seems to know who Negan is, then go back to the last rotation. And then another rotation.” Another nod and I sighed. “I guess we won’t get our playtime for awhile, John.” I gave myself a moment to pout and heard a snicker come from the general direction of my newest thorn in my ass. “Back to work.”

“Do you want me to-” John gestured toward Negan’s relaxed and leaning form and I shook my head. “Megan, I can-”

“John, you can do a vast quantity of magical and horrible things, but ONLY if I give the say so.” He flinched at the reminder of our roles in this world. “Now, you have a job, so-” he nodded with a slightly bowed head and I fought a grin at the knowledge that he didn’t want to show any weakness to this new entity. I watched him as he left, wondering how many waves Negan would cause from his very existence.

“Wow,” I turned to see the new bane of my being studying me with the same interest I’d watched John. I waited as his laugh lines and dimples made his charm grow. “You really ARE me.”

“What?” Maybe I should call for John to come back and secure the man, if he kept insisting that we were so damn alike. “Now how are we twinsies?”

“Got yourself a trio of hubbies?” I stared at him in shock, marriage? In this fucking world? “OK, maybe not husbands, but you’re definitely letting them dip their pricks in the company pool.”

I laughed at that. He wasn’t wrong, but damn that euphemism was fucking hilarious and old fashioned. “How old are you, grandpa?” He glared at me. “Pricks and company pool?” I shook my head. “Currently Greg, Max, and John and my ‘advisors’ and they have the added perk of satisfying my EVERY need. So yeah, we fuck. It isn’t poetic, we aren’t married, and I sure as fuck don’t think of them like husbands.”

“What would you do if they decided to dip their dicks in one of those needier than normal females?” He looked so damn smug as though he just KNEW what my answer would be that I nearly tossed something at his head, something heavy and metal based.

“Nothing.” He raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “IF one of the CURRENT three saw someone they wanted to DIP into more than me, then they can do so, and leave their position as advisor behind.” His smile grew like he was proven correct. “What?”

“I’m sure that that ‘advisor’ position comes with more perks than your ear and your-” his eyes roamed my seated body and I nearly felt the fucking heat from it. “Other assets.”

I sat back again, studying him. “Negan, just how do you think things are run around here?”

#negan x ofc #like holding up a mirror #The Walking Dead #humor #alternate universe #eventual smut

[alanncs]

hi my angels ! my name’s dani , i’m from toronto ontario aka best city in the worldt , & i’m 20  !  i’m the kelsey m on the main  &  i can’t tell u how excited i am to have wealthy up n running again !  i literally can’t wait to plot with all you beautiful peoples , so pls like this  &  i’ll slide in the dms , otherwise u can also hit me up on discord 𝒎𝒈𝒌'𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒆 .#1958  !!  i’m gonna put all you need  2 know about alanna below aaand i hope y’all like her ! <3

new york’s very own alanna d'alessio was spotted on broadway street in gucci bee sneakers . your resemblance to hailey baldwin is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty first birthday bash . while living in nyc ,  you’ve been labeled as being reticent , but also gracious . i guess being a scorpio explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be anything pink , the lingering smell of weed , and a cigarette between her fingers . &  ( cisfemale & she/her  )  +  ( dani , 20 , she/her , est . )

                    *  /   𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑖𝑐𝑠 .

full  name  :  alanna  marie  d’alessio  .

age :  twenty  -  one  .

hometown  :  new  york  city  .

zodiac  chart  :  scorpio  sun  ,  aquarius  moon  ,  libra  rising  .

character  inspo  :  alyssa  (  the  end  of  the  f*cking  world  )  ,  marissa  cooper  (  the  o.c  )  ,  hanna  marin  (  pretty  little  liars  )  .

                   *  /   𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒚   !!  tw  : kidnapping , ransom , drugs

alanna was born heir to the d'alessio family which came with the billion dollar dynasty that her parents created . 

her dad is an italian government official  but they grew up in ny basically bc her dad is an ambassador/representative for italy  &  her mother is a super model who also wanted to raise her kids here having lived here her whole life , and so they did . 

she had everything handed to her on a silver platter and her parents expected nothing but success from her because of how wealthy they were, they knew they would never have to worry about providing for her and her siblings , and so they spoiled her with whatever she asked for and more

but that came with a price, she was expected to do everything they wanted of her, go to an ivy league college, follow in one of her parent’s career footsteps

alanna did just that, she got amazing grades in high school and was head of many student clubs, organized prom, got almost perfect on sat’s and exams, and busted her ass to get into a good college despite the fact that her parents could’ve easily gotten her a spot if she didn’t do as well as she did

her life was going so well, she had the perfect boyfriend, perfect group of friends, was on her way to brown university in a couple of months, her parents and her couldn’t have been in a better spot with their daughter

the last thing they expected was for someone, a stranger, to get their hands on their daughter . a week after her 18th birthday , she’s walking to school on a monday morning and before she knows what’s happening , there’s something over her head and she’s being dragged into a van and taken from her life

the one thing that was expected, was the $10 million ransom she was held for

basically her dad had some shady dealings with the italian mob & didn’t pay his debts to them for some time - so they kidnapped alanna in retaliation for that

they kept her for 3 days before her parents were able to work with the authorities to get her returned and pay the people in full

surprisingly, she was returned alive but she had to spend two weeks in the hospital afterwards with injuries

once alanna was returned, she wasn’t the same

she told the police what happened to her , but only barely . she didn’t tell her parents or anyone else about what they did to her when she was gone .

she didn’t speak , eat or sleep for two months after she got home

she spent the last few months of her high school in bed, she didn’t attend her graduation, deferred from going to brown in the fall, she didn’t see her friends anymore and she broke up with her boyfriend

the people who took her were never caught & she is still to this day completely terrified of going anywhere alone

she never walks anywhere alone  

it took her months to be able to get back to doing normal things again and being who she was before

to this day ,  alanna still struggles with the memories and the ptsd from what happened to her , but she doesn’t speak to anyone about it and she refuses to bring it up in any scenario

she also has a horrible relationship with her father now , having trouble forgiving him for what happened to her

some people know about it as obviously, being as famous as her family is, it was on the news at the time, and everyone she went to high school with knew what happened so sometimes it can be hard to avoid it

she wants to forget - here comes her secret - she got into drugs after the kidnapping and it quickly spiraled out of control , now she can’t seem to function without them because they’re the only thing that make her feel normal and make the memories fade

anything she can get her hands on rly

but the media think she’s an angel , her reputation has been kept p much pristine her whole life . and her parents have no clue how much she’s struggling or how much she’s changed . so if this were to come out , it would tarnish not only alanna’s reputation but her family’s  as well

                                         *  /   𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚  !!

after deferring from brown ,  alanna knew she had to find some way to keep herself occupied and make money , even though she could live off her parents for however long she wanted

alanna wants to be . miss independent .

so she started getting into modelling , bc of her mom it was easy for her to book gigs

she was able to book gigs like adidas , guess , calvin klein  etc  !

so  that was super exciting for her bc she got really into it and  enjoyed doing it sm

she started acting about a year ago - started off in a few movies , & now she’s currently starring in a netflix series - smth similiar to elite or on my block !

oko so in high school alanna was super bubbly , and just like the really overly nice girl that would talk to literally every 1

but it worked for her bc she was  voted prom queen  and valedictorian ! even tho she missed graduation . yike

Anyway now ! she is not v much like that anymore , except  when she’s super high .

since her kidnapping alanna has been closed off and aloof . in general , she’s not as talkative

she says what she thinks but it usually comes in one word mumbles

can sometimes b very entertaining  . she’s kinda like paris hilton a little bit

also think Marissa from the oc !!

call her a  spoiled brat she’s gonna be like “ yah… and ?”

she  can be very selfish to a fault  in certain situations

and very defensive if she feels attacked, judged , put into a corner , physically cornered , etc

she’s a hopeless romantic at heart and dreams of having an epic love story

but she  has Hella trust issues which easily lead to commitment issues for her so … she will cheat “by accident” lol

that’s why she tries to steer clear of relationships but she also has such a big heart she  falls in love 5 times a day sffsdkj

also w  how much this girl  can sleep around it’s not happening any Time soon 4 her ! she enjoys being single a lot

Bc she likes to get wild

shes like nicole richie on the simple life when she’s partying  lmao

like she likes 2 fuck with ppl sometimes lol , like she will flirt w anyone and everyone just cus she’s bored

umm she lives  in sweatpants n crop tops !

her hair is either in a  bun or just down , she’s rly lazy when it comes to hair and makeup   . like if her makeups done someone else did it lol

Unless she’s like fully in the mood

ooverall she’s a rly sweet lil bean whos just scared of humans ! :’(

um ya idk im always developing  her but IF U read  all this  ilysm !

here’s her pinterest board for more of an idea !

                                  *  /  𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔  !!

EVERYTHING   !  here is a link to my wc page & a link to my wc TAG which are both full of ideas so  msg me  & i’ll throw tons of ideas at u <333 let’s do it i luv plotting sm okay

#tw drugs #tw kidnapping #wealthyhq:intro #hehehe <3

[krahka]

mehra and zirseth for that meme make me cry i dare u

Rate how well they get along on a scale 1-10.

I would say like a 7? Like it goes between a 10 and a 2 a lot. (2 because he’s way more cooperative with her killing him than he reasonably should be, but like, he still wants to be left to cause as much destruction and death as he wants to cause without her getting in the way of his sacred duty)

What do they disagree about the most?

I mean “Mehrunes Dagon and Molag Bal good” vs. “Haha what the fuck” is pretty much most of what it boils down to. He’s trying so hard to get her on board but all of his arguments for why everyone should be worshipping Mehrunes Dagon and Molag Bal sound like complete nonsense to anyone who isn’t super deep into them already.

She’s not about to give him up to the Ordinators, she doesn’t care about that because who cares about heresy, but this is clearly a part of himself that’s extremely self destructive and making him miserable and his Masters won’t even let him think about how fucked up his relationship with them is and how much it’s hurting him. It’s hard to watch.

How much personal space do they keep with each other?

A respectful distance until they’re alone, and then it’s time to get as close as possible. He likes to sneak up on her when she’s reading or working to give her a kiss or to nuzzle on her.

How good/awful would they be at going undercover as family members or a couple?

I don’t think they’re all that good at pretending not to be a couple once they get together. And they probably do have to pretend to not be into each other because one of them is a respected wizard of House Telvanni and the other is an extremely dangerous criminal who is technically her slave. It doesn’t help that Zirseth doesn’t care about propriety or toning it down literally ever in any company because he knows when to lie and this isn’t when to lie. (The time to lie is when the Lord of Lies tells you to, at which point you lie because you believe what he says as truth because in that moment it is truth)

What do they trust each other with?

Probably too much, considering that they shouldn’t trust each other at all.

How would each react if the other died?

I mean the first time around he overreacted to the prospect of her death by making a deal with Mehrunes Dagon that involved killing all their friends and neighbors and well, uh, yeah. He’d do it again. He’d do it a thousand times again, and in a way, he already has.

This particular incarnation is weird because Zirseth becomes immortal and Mehra dies of old age, I assume. The question is, after Zirseth becomes a vampire, does he ever track her down, break into her house and offer to bite her and make her a vampire too? He would, if he thought that he could be trusted around her without hurting her, especially since he has a tendency to intentionally starve himself to induce a state of out of control bloodlust to better commune with Molag Bal’s perfect will, which means that turning vampires on purpose is hard because he’ll just drink them dry without being able to stop himself. But also it’d be super reasonable for Mehra to not be okay with him showing up unannounced at 4 am, giving no explanation for why he left her or where he’s been all these years except that he’s a vampire now and the Molag Bal thing has only gotten worse and tell him to get out before she calls the Ordinators for real this time

Either way he probably learns that she dies several years after the fact and he doesn’t handle the news well, but there’s no one to kill and he wasn’t there to do anything about it and he probably gets even more unhinged for a while. The one person that he’s ever really cared about spent a life without him and was better off for it. Now he has nothing to distract him from his Masters’ commands. People break and leave and die, but they are always with him. It was foolish of him to get attached to a mortal person in the first place.

What’s the biggest thing they have in common?

Intertwined souls, an ancient oath and an instinctive power over flames. (Though in DND terms, Mehra’s a Sorcerer, Zirseth’s a Warlock.)

Do they routinely compete over anything?

Less compete than experiment? Like they’ll try to do the same thing in different ways and record the results and see who did it the best/most efficiently/most interestingly and see if that holds true over multiple tests and just generally test against each other in the interest of science.

Who’s physically stronger and how does it influence how they interact?

They’re both spindley magic nerds so I’m not sure? I mean the fact that Mehra’s stronger magically does affect their interactions in that Mehra can just take any fire that Zirseth conjures and make it work for her instead of him. He finds this both awe-inspiring and a little unsettling. He obeys the flames, but they obey her, so what does that mean for him?

Who wins at chess?

It probably gets pretty intense but on the whole, Mehra, since he gets impatient and that sometimes causes him to act rashly.

Who wins at video games?

Zirseth tends to fuck around and just do things because it’s funny to him, and doesn’t have a ton of interest in games that have a point to them. Like he’s really into making weird structures in Minecraft or scorning one of his neighbors for no reason in Animal Crossing or making a horrible dystopia in SimCity. So in a competitive game he’ll probably lose super badly until he finds some bizarre exploit and breaks the game with it.

Would they be able to succeed at some intensely cooperative task together?

Mmmm probably? It depends on how the Masters feel about him doing that particular thing and how much his tendency to sabotage things just ‘cause would get in the way. (He’s an enormous shit in coop games because he thinks it’s funny)

What happens if you abandon the pair in the wilderness together?

Zirseth is actually pretty good at wilderness survival, since he’s had to survive out away from civilization on his own a lot, so he’d happily do all the work and they’d get by. It’s not going to be comfortable because he’s insufferable and puts a low premium on comfort. If anything, the cold ground is good, actually! Reminds you that there is only one true way to always be warm, and that the cold in your body is meaningless compared to the fire in your soul!

If they are on opposite sides of a conflict, how would they interact if they were on the same side? If they’re on the same side, how would they interact if they were on opposite sides?

I’m pretty sure they count as being on opposing sides of a long, cosmic conflict between two immortal deities of varying degrees of maliciousness.

I can imagine one of their incarnations where they both sort of work it out. I imagine that they’re both Ashlander, she’s a Wise Woman and he’s a brash Gulakhan and Azura just straight up tells her everything and she tells Zirseth and it’s early enough and she’s respected enough that he believes her and keeps an eye out for Dagon’s influence over his mind and actions and with her help, mostly keeps it under control and doesn’t ever turn to him more than absolutely necessary. At some point Mehrunes Dagon tells him he’s going to have to destroy more stuff to keep up his end of the bargain and they do that by just being extremely explosive to the tribe’s enemies, but not even that much more aggressive. He dies valiantly defending his people but there’s always the thought that maybe he was a lot more reckless than he needed to be because he was getting tired of constantly second guessing his thoughts and impulses just so that he wouldn’t destroy everything he loved.

On the other hand, Daedric High Priestess Mehra and the two of them run a cult that demolishes the entire world. Just imagine! We have always worked better together, my love! We are connected by flame and we should be together in flame! We should have never been apart, not when there’s so much we can do for Him! What are these people worth to you? They are insects, nothing, you and I and Him, we’re what’s real! We’re what matters!

What’s the worst thing one could say to the other? What’s the best thing?

I mean Zirseth doesn’t say it to her, but he chose his Princes over her. He chooses them over her almost every time. He doesn’t have to outright say it when he’s made it clear with his actions. Also “I’ll do anything for you” comes across way more sinister when that includes murdering a ton of people without even asking her about it, but does not include defying Mehrunes Dagon even in a minor way when that’s the one thing she actually wants.

And the worst thing Mehra can say was already said thousands of years and hundreds of lifetimes ago; she’ll stop him every time. No matter how much she loves him, she can’t let him go on like this. He’s wrong, other people do matter and are not there just to be toys for evil destruction gods. He shouldn’t have to go along with that and internalize that.

The best thing would be if Zirseth promised Mehra just one, last, quiet life. He’ll give up on the Mehrunes Dagon thing and she can give up on the Azura thing and they can break out of this cycle and let it end on a high note. No one knows like she does that sometimes, if it all goes right, one lifetime is enough.

And for Zirseth, he’d like nothing more than to hear Mehra pledge herself to the Masters by his side. That they’ll never have to come between the two of them again because they are united in service to their wills. That they can be together forever, as Mehrunes Dagon has always promised him they could be, if only she bows before him. Why would she want anything else?

#replies #thievesguilding #oc: zirseth salothan #long post #on mobile and shpuld put it behind a read more once i have that ability again #anyway this pairing is great its totally not fucked up at all

[belovedrival]

I’ve been awake off and on for a couple hours. Sleep is not happening at this point, so I’m better off getting up now.

DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS POINT IF YOU WANT TO BE POSITIVE TODAY - I started writing this around 5 am. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Too many thoughts, and most of them are negative. Our state’s shutdown is in effect until the end of April. Today is the 8th. I’ve been working from home since March 20th. What happens if the governor just keeps extending the shutdown? At this point I expect him to. Because the expected surge is *always* next week...or next month...or three months from now. Who the hell knows for certain.

This is what I felt a few weeks ago - when government officials start closing everything, and after getting a taste of really how much power they have (arresting a guy for paddling alone in the Pacific Ocean? WTAF? Is that not enough social distancing??), they are not going to give it up easily.

And what motivation do they have to open anything, even gradually? THEY’RE still getting paid. THEY don’t have to worry about laying off employees (my brother’s work has already had to do that). No, our betters, these experts who know everything (except, it seems, to properly prepare for a pandemic), THEY know best. So we just have to listen to them and question nothing, or we’re just greedy bastards who only love money and want to kill people. 🙄🤬

My church has been shut down for weeks. It is the most sacred time for Christianity, and we are literally not going to be able to celebrate Easter in our own places of worship, at least in this and other states. The dispensaries are still open here. So you can go get weed if you want, but you can’t go to church. I’m sorry, but if you think this country is on the brink of the Handmaid’s Tale, you are crazy. Learn to separate fact from fiction.

My parents live an hour and a half away, and we can’t visit them, nor they visit us, because that travel is not “essential”. I desperately wanted a hug from my mom yesterday. Once, a couple years ago, I drove to their house just to surprise her. I can’t do that now.

If I want to go into the office (I might have to, to get a couple things done), I’ll need a letter from my work, in case I get pulled over by a cop. My dad works at an electrical cooperative, and he has similar papers. Papers. That sounds familiar to anyone who knows history.

“Seine Papieren, Juden!” In the Soviet Union, people used to have to have papers to travel.

A party was busted up by cops in a local town in our county. It made national news because one of the people at the party was the town’s mayor’s wife. Typical - one rule for politicians, another for us. While the rest of us are stuck at home, worried to go to the grocery store, they and theirs flout the rules.

As of today, there is one documented death of Coronavirus in our county. An 86 year old woman. I am sorry for her family - especially since funerals are severely restricted - but again, this state has been shut down for close to three weeks already. What if ten people die next week? I guess we’ll be closed indefinitely in that case.

At this point I would not be totally surprised if my family had to cancel our vacation in July- one that’s been well over a year in the planning, and one that we haven’t taken together in NINE years. If that is the case...the very thought takes me to a dark place.

There are people who have already committed suicide because of lockdowns and social distancing. In times of economic depression, suicides and cancer rates go up. But those statistics don’t matter, apparently. Those people don’t count.

My 89 year old grandfather was taken to the ER last week. Dehydration. He’s okay for now, but really, his cardiologist said a while ago that he could go any time. He has Alzheimer’s, too. He doesn’t understand why my dad and his siblings can’t visit him. If he died, and he tested positive for the virus, Coronavirus would be the official cause of death. Not his worn out pacemaker, or high blood pressure, or Alzheimer’s. Or even that he’s almost ninety. Nope.

“Another death?” “Yes. Six more months of shelter in place. We must flatten the curve!” 😑

Look, one of my cousins has this right now. Another cousin is a nurse at a major hospital. I’m worried about them. I worry about my dad. Just...is it really necessary to shut down the entire fucking state of Wyoming over this? Have you BEEN to Wyoming? Or rural counties in Oklahoma? I know there’s the projection of this thing exploding but that’s all it is right now in many cases - projection. The initial graph that scared the shit out of everyone a month ago has been drastically scaled down. Again, are we supposed to just “stay at home” until a vaccine is produced? Polio ravaged communities for years and society wasn’t shut down over it. San Francisco wasn’t shut down during the AIDS outbreak. And for way too long that diagnosis had a 100% death rate. 100%. Coronavirus isn’t even close to that.

But sure, this is all crazy talk, right? It’s just because I had insomnia. It’s because I’m just a rube living in flyover country who doesn’t know shit. I’m just saying this because I don’t trust people obviously smarter than me, like the NYC mayor who told people to attend celebrations for Lunar New Year, or virtually all the media back in January (look it up) who said it was like the flu or less, and who weren’t reporting on anything except impeachment. And when they did talk about the virus, they called it something else...but if anyone calls it that name now, they’re a raging racist who needs to shut up. 🤔🤨 But sure, I’M the stupid, greedy imbecile who just needs to be a good girl and listen to my state and federal officials. Because they know best.

(The entire paragraph above is wholly sarcastic, in case you didn’t catch my tone. Also, there is a video montage of a variety of media people back in January calling the virus the Chinese virus, or Wuhan virus. Six weeks later, anyone who called it that was screamed at as a racist. This is why I can’t take a vast majority of American media seriously.)

Mister’s school will probably close because of the virus. Because they were already on the brink. Add a state-mandated shutdown of schools starting in mid-March (around the time when they would be looking to enroll next school year, no spring open houses to bring in more students), and it’s pretty much done for. So he’s looking at July as the last month he’ll be paid. If they have the funds to pay staff they promised them, that is. That’s not guaranteed. This isn’t a public school.

So yeah, this is what was keeping me awake. There’s your way too early Wednesday morning rant.

#sometimes i need to rant #insomnia #fuck it #i do not like this #real life #coronavirus #effects #economy #health #mister #mister’s school #unemployment #family #i want our vacation dammit #2011 #that was the last time we all took a trip together #but sure #the government is on top of things #sarcasm #christianity #holy week #church #my church #media #gaslighting #history #disease #alzheimer’s disease #2020

[thefanficmonster]

Your Enemy

Connor Walsh & Michaela Pratt (How To Get Away With Murder)

Warnings: Angst, Eating Disorder, Swearing, Trauma, Anxiety, Spoilers for HTGAWM Season 1, Mentions of Murder

Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Relationship

Summary: Following the most stressful events she’s ever had to deal with in her life, Michaela is forced to face a demon she thought she had left in her past. Luckily, this time she doesn’t have to deal with it on her own and has the support of a person she deemed least likely to ever come through for her.

Requested by Anon. Hello darling! I’m so happy to be hearing you’ve completed a full year of ED recovery! I’m very proud of you for having fought such a tough battle and came out of it a the bravest, strongest winner. Hope you enjoy the fic and hope it doesn’t trigger any bad memories. If it does, please let me know wo I can change it up. Love and care about you lots, Vy ❤

It’s been almost a month now. Almost a month since she was involved in the murder and dismemberment of her professor’s husband who her and her classmates were sure was the killer of a college student by the name of Lila Stangard. A month and she still can’t stomach any of it - a month during which she hasn’t stomached much else either. 

It all started the morning after the murder when she was still a distressed and disheveled mess, a nervous wreck that refused to leave the confinement and safety of her home and face the world out of fear of getting that stamp and punishment she knew she deserved. She knew she was basically a criminal in hiding. They all were and it was frustrating as all hell to see them all putting up with it so well like that murder wasn’t their first or their last. They almost came off as though they felt they did the right thing - rid the world of one more disgusting prick which Sam undoubtedly was, but that still wasn’t on them to decide. What they did was still a crime, they were still killers and would get charged as ones if this was ever to be found out by any law enforcement.

And Michaela Pratt could barely live with herself.

That first week her stomach was in constant knots that would tighten at the mere mention of food. Therefore, she lived solely on liquids that supplied her with faux energy and nothing nutritious that her body could work with. Then it became a habit. Well, it had more so to do with the fact that she looked in the mirror one day after showering and noticed the sudden change in her body, how it seemed smaller and, in her eyes, prettier than before. She liked the ‘improvement’ and wanted to hold onto it, linking it to her new eating habits she decided to stick to them. Though, they can’t really be called ‘eating habits’ considering she spent a great deal of time not eating anything at all, leaving large gaps between each tiny meal and drinking significantly more black coffee. She even developed the bad habit of smoking - a way for her to get out of the room whenever the rest of the Keating 5 were on a lunch break.

She hated the familiarity of it all, but there was also a certain dose of comfort to it. She had faced this demonic entity that resides within the very mind of the troubled person and that’s why she wasn’t scared. It felt more like opening the flood gates she had barely managed to shut and keep closed in the first place. Hell, it was almost relieving to open them up again, allow the inevitable to finally happen.

Having to lie about eating, having to renew her wardrobe with clothes of a smaller size - and some larger ones to hide the sudden change in - and dealing with dry and cracked skin, chipping nails and thinning hair were only few of the hiccups Michaela started facing when her weight loss became more significant and apparent, so much so that the Keating 5 were starting to worry. She was used to lying and making up stories about it. After all, this wasn’t her first time going down the dangerous lane that is undereating and abruptly losing a ton of weight. As mentioned, she dealt with it as a teenager for almost two years. Eventually, her lies started becoming see-through, causing her family to force her into recovery which eventually worked - took her a while to cooperate, but she managed to be convinced her life was to be lived properly. Her success was to be earned in more ways than boney limbs and vertigo every time she stood up. She came to the realization that the world was a crueler place than she had anticipated. It was a warzone she needed to be strong to face and, having become thin as a stick and mentally rattled she was terribly underprepared for facing and battling any of it. 

Michaela Pratt decided she deserved better - chose to toughen up and take the bull of her life by the horns and control it properly. She finally became the one really in control - not her self-destructive side, but her rational, fighter side. The warrior in her decided enough was enough.

However, for her, there’s never such a thing as enough.

Sensing it was a delicate and rather triggering subject, the members around the Keating household were more than reluctant on touching the topic and asking at least one of the many questions they always had in mind.

Why do you suddenly wear such wide clothes?

Why do you no longer put sugar in your coffee?

What’s with those bags under your eyes? You haven’t been getting much sleep?

How come you always have a big breakfast even when you wake up late?

Why do you never eat?

Those and so many more questions swarmed the heads of her friends but none of them were brave enough to say anything. No one went to look for her around lunchtime to see where she goes to hide during that period. No one mentions their suspicions and doubts about her statements. No one dares to point out that she’s become a ghost of the Michaela they previously knew. She’s not as fierce as she used to be - not the same way. She just snaps at people, throwing empty insults at them. Her focus has dropped significantly and she often times falls asleep while on the clock, working on the case. They all see it but they all choose to be passive on-lookers, by-standers, no one sporting the guts and bravery to bring it up and ask her or express worry.

Well, no one except the brutally honest and straight forward Connor.

“And here I was wondering where our Shooting Star had fallen.“ He says, making his presence known verbally only after he snatched the pack of cigarettes from Michaela’s hand, startling her to no end. “Since when do you smoke, by the way?”

“None of your goddamn business.“ She hisses back at him, reaching for the stolen pack like an angry tigress. “Give them back, asshole.“

She’s stopped in her futile yet hostile attempts of retrieving the stolen cigarettes when Connor grabs one of her arms and develops a downright terrified look on his face: eyes wide, mouth hanging slightly open, confusion, shock and concern in his gaze. That’s a rare combination for him - someone who’s supposedly super laid-back and careless. That concern is what hits her the hardest. It catches her so off-guard she puts her movements to a halt and just stares back at him for a few seconds, both of them deciding what to say.

“Michaela, what have you done to yourself? What are you doing to yourself?“ He asks her, still not letting go of her arm which feels tiny in his grip. His fingers loosen their hold instinctively, as if afraid that any more pressure could break it. “Are punishing yourself for what happened to Sam?“

Michaela returns to her senses, shaking her head and frowning as she yanks her arm out of his grip. “Nothing happened to Sam!” She whisper-yells, narrowing her eyes, glaring at him with a fiery intensity, “Don’t talk like he died of a heart attack or in a car accident. We happened to him. We fucking killed him, Connor! Come to terms with that already!”

“Scream that louder, will ya? A more perfect confession doesn’t exist.“ Subtly, he slips the pack in the back pocket of his jeans, the movement flying under Michaela’s radar since she’s so laser-focused on his face and the subtle changes in his expressions. “Seriously, what the hell are you doing? Is this the punishment you think you deserve?”

She rolls her eyes, “That’s fucking nonsense. It’s no punishment, I just wanna fit into my wedding dress come the time I have to walk down the aisle.“

“So fitting into your wedding dress is the priority? Tell me, what will your hairdresser and make-up artist gonna say when they see your cracked and bruised skin, your thinned hair, the massive bags underneath your eyes. Also, are you even gonna fit in the dress or is it gonna hang on you the way it would on a stick figure.“

“Shut up! Connor, my life, my appearance and my eating habits are none of your business. You can’t play the caring enemy and fuck with my head - hating me one minute caring about me the next. It really doesn’t suit you, in fact, it’s below you.“

“Michaela, I’m not your enemy.“ He taps her temple with his finger, getting his hand smacked away about a second later, “That brain of yours is currently your enemy, not me. You need to get rid of it.“

“But what if I can’t?!“ She snaps, her eyes glistening with tears Connor didn’t expect to see, “What if that’s all I have? That me who’s constantly whispering to me that I don’t need nor deserve food - she’s stuck with me longer than anyone else has. She’s been with me since I was fifteen, Connor. Fifteen! She never left, even when I tried to push her away and chase her out of my head. She stayed there, and now she’s helping me. You wouldn’t understand! You don’t have dresses to fit in, people to please, your own criteria to fulfill! You don’t even feel like you deserve punishment for what you did! You dismembered a human being, Connor! When are you gonna come to terms with the fact that you’re a murderer?!“

“When you come to terms with the fact that you’re killing yourself, Michaela!“ He too snaps, unable to control his emotions when faced with a literal life or death situation - one regarding his friend on top of all.

No, she’s not my friend. I’m just doing what any person would do in this scenario, he convinces himself. Turns out there are several facts Connor Walsh can’t come to terms with - caring about his biggest rival is one of them.

“She’s not your friend, Michaela! She doesn’t want anything good for you. She’ll end up leading you to your death if you keep listening and trusting her! That Michaela is the one deserving of punishment, not you. Don’t let her overpower the rational Michaela I met that day, the first day of class. The one I wanted to strangle for being so cocky and self-centered and was stealing my spotlight. The one who left me in the dust a few too many times for me not to respect her. She could kick the self-destructive Michaela’s ass. Let her.“

A choked sob escapes Michaela’s throat as a result of Connor’s speech. The last thing she expected was support and help - she was prepared for the mocking, the sympathy and pity, the ‘Seriously? Get over it, will ya?’ or the ‘It’s all in your head. Just eat, damn it.’ she grew used to hearing the first time she was dealing with an eating disorder. If she wasn’t still herself she would’ve probably even given him a hug - one she’d regret later - but she remained in her spot, arms folded over her chest, nodding slowly.

“Thank you, Connor. But it’s not as easy as you make it sound.“ She sniffles, her gaze wandering elsewhere, embarrassed by how she broke down in front of him just now. Lord knows she’ll be even more pissed later, but right now she’s got other things on her mind. Something she hadn’t even brushed upon before this conversation with Connor - recovery. She’s not used to seeking help from anyone for anything, especially not something she saw as her superpower until someone forced her eyes open. Forced the epiphany on her that she’s not living, she’s killing herself.

“Of course it’s not easy. That’s why no one does it alone, you know.“ Hesitantly, very very hesitantly, he lifts his hand, cautiously placing it on Michaela’s shoulder. “People reach out for support and go talk to professionals. You don’t have to do this alone. In fact, you can’t do this alone.“ He pauses, waiting for her gaze to meet his. When it does, he continues, “I won’t let you.“

Never did Michaela expect support from anyone, never did she want or need it. But here she is receiving it from the person she thought least likely to offer it. Never did she think there’d come a day when her arms, as if on autopilot would, wrap around Connor Walsh in a tight embrace of gratitude. While pretty startled, he manages to return the hug after blinking once or twice to comprehend the situation.

“Thank you.“ He hears her whisper and that’s more than he ever thought he’d get from her.

“Don’t mention it.“ He lets a small smile slip onto his face as his hold on her tightens ever so slightly.

#how to get away with murder #htgawm #htgawm season 1 #htgawam #htgawm season 2 #htgawm season1 #connor walsh #michaela pratt #michaela & connor #connor & michaela #laurel castillo #asher millstone #wes gibbins #annalise keating #frank delfino #bonnie winterbottom #sam keating #fic #fanfic #fanfiction #fandom #fluff #platonic fluff #rivals to friends #comfort #hurt/comfort #platonic relationships #request #requests open

[onewaywardwitch]

Just A Typo (6/?)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Hacker!Reader

Summary: It was a simple challenge between a very competitive group of friends. A challenge that ended very differently than anticipated.

Warnings: Language

Word Count: 2275

A/N: I’m so happy to finally get to post this part! I’ve been most excited for this one. Thanks for all the love on the previous parts, enjoy part 6!

If someone had told me a month ago that I'd be spending my days working as the security analyst for Stark Industries and my nights chatting with the Avengers, I'd have asked how much they had to drink. It's amazing how an illegal act can completely turn your life around, and not in the ‘sent to prison’ sense.

Fortunately for me, Wanda took me under her wing. She was determined to have another female presence around in a tower overflowing with testosterone and I wasn’t complaining. I appreciated her company just as much as she did.

Everyone was far more welcoming. Well, almost everyone. Natasha still seemed adamant on ignoring me. But with Sam constantly joking around with me, it was easier to forget about it. I had become a common visitor of the residents upstairs and I loved getting to know their actual personalities rather than the superhero personas the world had grown so used to seeing. Like how Tony won’t speak to anyone before his morning coffee. Or how Bruce has to be brought food throughout the day, or else he would simply forget to eat.

But Bucky remained an enigma that I couldn’t crack.

It wasn’t that we didn’t spend time together. We did. And many times, I enjoyed being near him more than some of the louder Avengers. We were never hanging out alone, though. He was a lot quieter when I was around, but I didn’t take it personally. He was obviously still a bit nervous being around anyone other than his teammates, but I liked to think that I was growing on him. At least he sat down and talked to me with everyone else now, instead of just running out of the room. And I adored having more than just two friends. The top floor had quickly become a second home to me.

~~~~~

I ran my hand through my hair for what felt like the seventh time in five minutes. For some reason, the system I was planning on installing for Stark Industries was not cooperating with me. I was forced to keep changing around the algorithm and every new sequence was rejected, not working in the slightest. It didn’t help that I had already gone through a full pack of Haribo and had none left. Timothy, one of my co-workers with a strange love for the worst movies ever made, kept glancing at me every time I let out a frustrated groan. Whenever he looked over, he opened his mouth as if to ask me something, before closing it again. It didn’t take long for me to snap.

“If you’ve got something to say spit it out. You look like a fish doing that.” I should have felt bad for snapping at him. He was a nice enough person, and I had been informed by the secretary down the hall that he harboured a small crush for me. Unfortunately for him, I was prepared to pick a fight with anyone. He just happened to be on the receiving end of it.

“I, um, I was just wondering if you... if you needed a hand with whatever you're working on?” he asked me, nervously wringing his hands.

I stared blankly at him. My lack of response caused his expression to change from slightly hopeful yet nervous, to absolutely terrified.

Stop it, don’t be a bitch, he’s just being nice. You can do this, politely decline his offer. There's no need to make a scene.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Well, that didn’t work.

“Am I not capable of doing it myself now, huh? I can do it perfectly fine. The system is stupid, that’s all. I don’t need your help because you'll end up pissing me off even more than you already have.”

Wow, ok, enough. Close your mouth. Bite your tongue. Walk away. Do anything other than talking to him.

“And also, you are literally the only person in the world who actually likes ‘Sharknado’.”

Why? Why would you say that? You absolute idiot.

I turned back to the computer that I was incredibly close to smashing as I ignored Tim’s deflated expression. He moved back to continue on with whatever he was working on himself. I typed in new lines of code on my screen, praying that these would work. While I waited for the outcome, I started to feel a bit guilty. I was stressed about my job that I was really desperate not to lose and I was taking it out on whoever was closest to me, which just so happened to be Tim.

“Oh shit!”

The second I turned to apologise, I felt hand on my shoulder, scaring the absolute crap out of me.

“Sorry! I called your name and you didn’t answer. You looked deep in thought,” Bucky said uncertainly. I instantly relaxed in his presence and chuckled.

“It's ok, my fault anyway. I should have been paying attention to what was going on around me. It just gets interesting up here sometimes,” I tapped my head as I spoke.

Great, now he thinks you're a lunatic.

Bucky offered me a small smile, which I had come to expect from him. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Tim. I tried to ignore him. I really did. When he first saw Bucky come over to me his eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. That look of awe turned to one of amusement when he saw me make a complete fool out of myself. I stared pointedly at him until he got the message and returned to his computer. Bucky raised his eyebrows at me, and I shook my head in reply.

So much for Tim’s apology.

Bucky cleared his throat. “Um, Tony sent me to get you. He wanted to talk to you about, er… something computer related, I think.”

“He could have called me, you know. You didn’t have to come all the way down here.”

“He wanted me to get you in person. Plus, I had to talk to someone down in communications anyway.”

I nodded and got up to leave with Bucky, completely forgetting about the system that had me wound up only minutes ago.

~~~~~

Why does elevator music always make everything so uncomfortable and awkward? I was desperately searching for a way to fill the silence but for once in my life my mind was blank. I heard Bucky mumble something, seemingly to himself. I brushed it off before he spoke up more confidently.

“I like your jumper.”

I swear, I had never turned red so quickly. It felt like my whole face was on fire. How did everything he say make me feel so giddy?

“Thanks! But it's actually my friend, Angie’s. She left it at my apartment a few days ago and I haven’t had a chance to return it yet. I don’t know why I said that, it's a lie. She forgot it at mine over a year ago and I really like it.” I didn’t think I could blush any harder. I was wrong.

“You're really close with your two friends, huh?” Bucky questioned. I relaxed quickly. I always found it easier to talk about anything that wasn’t about me directly.

“They're complete idiots, but I love them. They're my family. I'd be lost without them. I mean, Becca’s good fun and Angie is our designated babysitter most of the time.”

He let out a low laugh. “I guess I know how she feels. I'm always running around after Steve, trying to make sure he doesn’t get himself killed.”

“Really?”

Bucky also seemed more at ease with the direction the conversation had taken. “It was worse back in the 40’s though. He was picking fights left, right, and centre. There was no super soldier serum to help him back then. He was just a kid with good intentions and twig-like arms.”

The ding of the elevator interrupted our chat. We stepped out, but I paused before we walked any further. Bucky turned to question me, and I stared open-mouthed at him.

“God, I was such a bitch to Tim!” I exclaimed suddenly, Bucky looking at me in surprise. “He was just trying to help me, and I-.“ I couldn’t even finish my sentence as I was overcome by fit of giggles. “I told him that nobody likes ‘Sharknado’ except for him!”

“Shark what?”

“Have you never heard of ‘Sharknado’? We have to watch it! It's a terrible film.”

“If it's so bad why do I have to watch it?”

“Because, it's a good bad movie. You watch it knowing it's going to be terrible and then you just give out about it afterwards. The full 21st century experience,” I explained to a very perplexed superhero. “Let’s go, best not to leave his royal highness waiting.”

~~~~~

Turns out Tony had summoned me to ask a single question about my work, before requesting advice on the nicest cafés in the area to bring Pepper to. We spent nearly an hour arguing over which is nicer, pancakes or waffles. He refused to accept the fact that pancakes are clearly superior and resorted to folding his arms and huffing like a child.

I finally made a move to leave when Tony told me he had some Avengers business to attend to.

“Next time you want a chat,” I said to him as I put on my jacket,” just give me a call. You didn’t need to send poor Bucky all the way down to me. He probably has better things to be doing.”

Tony snorted. “You’d think so, wouldn’t you? He volunteered to get you. The second I mentioned I needed to talk to you, he all but ran off to find you.”

I scoffed and chose to ignore what Tony had said. “Bye, Mario!” I yelled back to him, making sure to close the door on his sounds of annoyance.

~~~~~

Some people can sense bad things just before it happens. Hairs standing on the back of your neck, chills down your spine. Some sort of sixth sense, I guess. Unfortunately, I wasn’t one of those people.

I was sitting in my empty, broken bathtub with my laptop, as you do, when I heard the crash. My head shot up immediately, staring at my bathroom door that I had left slightly ajar.

“It's nothing, you're imagining things.” I tried to convince myself I was hearing things until I heard what I assumed was one of my mugs crashing to the ground.

I could feel my heart thumping in my chest, and I willed myself to calm down. Placing my laptop carefully aside as quietly as I possibly could, I crawled out of the bath and creeped my way towards the door.

I peered my head out, nervously chewing on my lower lip. It was only a matter of seconds before I gasped and closed the door in panic. I made sure to do so silently and I held a hand over my mouth to control the ragged breaths that I could no longer control.

With shaking hands, I locked the door and took out my phone that felt stuck in my pocket. My only focus was calling the first person that popped into my head.

“Come on, come on,” I muttered, begging for a small ounce of luck.

“Miss me already?”

I sighed in relief. “Tony, there’re people in my apartment. Can you- can you send someone over please. I'm kind of panicking.”

There was a momentary pause and a sharp intake of breath on the other side of the phone before-

“Y/N listen to me. You need to get out of there right now. We’ll be there as fast as we can. Can you get to your front door?”

“I can’t, they’ll see me.”

“Shit,” I heard Tony breath out. “Alright, odds are they’re looking for your laptop so hang tight, hopefully they won’t be looking for you.

I groaned internally and stared at my laptop that I had forgotten about in the bath. Just my luck.

“Yeah, that’s not going to work. My laptop is with me.”

“You bring your laptop to the bathroom?”

“Some people bring their phones, I bring my laptop. Stop judging me.”

Tony decided to ignore my last comment, instead informing me that they were on their way. He asked if I could still hear the people in my apartment.

“Um, no, I don’t think I- “

The bang on the bathroom door made me jump and I clutched the phone tighter. I covered my mouth with my hand, willing myself to stop shaking. A second bang, and I took a few steps backwards slowly. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the door that I knew wouldn’t withstand much more. It took me a few seconds to realise that Tony had been shouting my name.

“Tony,” I whispered,” please tell me you’re nearby.”

I could hear him talking to someone else, his impatient tone not doing anything to reassure me.

“Still 10 minutes out, kid.”

Before Tony could even finish his sentence, the door came crashing down. I screamed, trying to shield my eyes from the splintered wood.

A man dressed entirely in black tactical gear made a move to grab me, and I dropped my phone in a panic.

“TONY!” I screamed. My attempt to remove myself from his grip was futile. He had grabbed my body and dragged me to where the rest of his team were waiting in my now destroyed kitchen. I was so distracted that I didn’t notice the fist that flew towards my face before everything went black.

Taglist (open):

(if there’s a strike through your name it means I couldn’t tag you)

(if I forgot to tag you just send me a message)

@amybarter15 @imperialoath @throw-some-music-my-way @mamaraptor @marbleowl @lydklein1 @wantingtobekorra @alysawrites @uhholyhazza @ladymelissastark @sarcasm-n-insomnia @foxylupines @myrabbitholetoneverland @amazingficsthatididnotwrite @markusstraya @padfootormoose @worldofchoices @just-some-stuff-in-life @colie87 @catsandbooksinafarawayplace @littleblackdressxx @thequirkypeach @astronomicparker @asguardiansoftheavengers @awesome-alysia @sebbystanlover-vk @unknownwonder @wowstiless @d-eracine

#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky x y/n #bucky x reader #bucky x you #tonystark #Iron Man #Winter Soldier #winter solider x reader #winter soldier x y/n #marvel #Marvel MCU #MCU #reader #wanda maximoff #scarlet witch #sam wilson #falcon #captain america #Steve Rogers #angst #fluff #marvel series

[shijiujun]

history3 ep10 summary - POOR SHAO FEI AND TANG YI BB, this is what heartbreak looks like

I JUST ABOUT DIED. I DID. THE LAST PART WAS MAD - just this 30 seconds alone carried the entire fucking episode

We are at the halfway mark - Part of me doesn’t want it to end at all but I need to see the birthday cake and domestic scenes ASAP!! Currently I’m just enjoying the ride and so glad we get to see Chris and Jake and Andy and Kenny and everyone of those other hot and excellent actors in this show. I’ve never done a GIF or subtitled in all my years on tumblr before History3 - life changing this is what this show is and I’m so happy we’re all doing this together! Let’s make it through the halfway mark together omgosh excited guys!!!!!

Shopping scene with Shao Fei + Hong Ye: Hong Ye is telling SF to walk faster they go into a department store and she keeps changing clothes OMG LOL THEY ARE SO CUTE TGT!!! She wears smth with ruffles and then asks SF how it looks and then he’s like ‘why do u look like a seaweed’ and she’s like ‘who’s a seaweed you’re a seaweed’ and then she dances LOL and then LOL HE FELL ASLEEP WHILE SHOPPING WITH HER AND LOST HER omg Shao Fei seriously

They’re playing a game on the escalator this is the funniest shit and OF COURSE she brings him to a lingerie shop and omg Shao Fei so poor thing just sits there and OMG YAS HONG YE SISTER-BROTHER RIVALRY and she buys him UNDERWEAR and she’s like “hang on a second, this is too big for you, you need a smaller one” LOL BURN

Carpark/shooting scene: They’re almost like friends or something, although later after we see the hong ye and bodyguard ah de scene you’ll realise why she was speaking to shao fei like that (because she knew smth was going to happen and she thought everything was going to go to plan but who knew they were coming with guns) and anw, then the bullets start going off and shao fei protects her with all of his body like OH MY GOD - And wow the angle of the shot and how it struck SF is totally wrong and omggg this scene was faster than I thought JESUS CHRIST - is it just me or did Shao Fei get hit on the wrong side? Either they missed a scene or the bullet came from elsewhere

and then we get the scene of tang yi storming into the hospital and he goes straight for hong ye first, hugs her as she cries etc. and then hot doctor is there and when hot doctor is NOT SMILING  YOU KNOW SHIT IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN - anyway, the nurse tells hot doctor that the surgery has been prepped, and then hot doctor nods and says ‘let’s go’ - and that’s when tang yi REMEMBERS AND LOOKS UP - “is that for meng shao fei?” And his look of absolute regret is ridiculous

and hot doctor just somberly nods 

Police chief STILL DOESNT KNOW THAT SHAO FEI HAS BEEN SHOT omg he’s going around doing his usual shit and everyone is clearing shit with him and fuck he misses shao fei so much I like that they finally show that shao fei is useful in the office and everyone is dependent on him and then suddenly Yu Qi turns up because she somehow got the call that shao fei is in the hospital

Oh goddddd Tang Yi’s face as he sits there AND LOL Dao yi (glasses guy) knows police chief quite well he called him Brother Bao, and tells him to calm down and they will take care of everything but POLICE CHIEF AINT HAVING NONE OF THAT BULLSHIT he pushes dao yi aside and this is one of the only times he can legit grab a mob boss by the neck and not get shot at after - police chief loves Shao Fei so much you can tell he totally lost it and Hong Ye genuinely feels bad and she’s saying sorry over and over to him as tang yi sits there catatonic - tang yi is totally quiet

also not sure if you guys caught it but the older guy in the investigative team, the one who always kind of says smth subtly bad about shao fei, he shot a look to bodyguard ah de when police chief was confronting tang yi in the hospital - they are totally up to something, corrupt police!!!!

The rest of the investigative team - LOL Zhao zi: “wow I’ve never seen police boss chief grab someone so much larger than him by the neck” - Yu Qi really likes Shao Fei, she’s crying by herself at the stairs and police chief is the one who’s standing by Shao fei’s door the moment he’s out of surgery and he scoffs “what ‘they’ll take care of everything’? the moment they heard shao fei was going to pull through they all left’- he tells zhao zi that they’ll start investigating who the fuck was behind the shooting and reminds them all to be careful

Captain Shi: “those who dare to touch any one from the investigative team, I’ll bring them all back to the police station!!!!”

OMG WE GET THE SCENE WHERE TANG YI IS HOTLY WALKING AND RIPPING OFF HIS JACKET AND OH JESUS CHRIST BRASS KNUCKLES?!!! Anw here’s the gem oh my god: Tang yi comes in where the culprit is already seated and he tells everyone to get the fuck out (OMG YOU KNOW HE MEANS BUSINESS) 

Ah De is like ‘boss, this is a small thing, let me do it’ - and he’s so damn insistent on interrogating the culprit himself even though tang yi is literally ready to set fire on the bitch you know and i’m like AH DE THAT IS SO NOT SMART YOU WANNA DIE?!

and well, we all called it - tang yi hears that and he’s like wtf and he gets mad, hauls bodyguard ah de off his feet and slams him against the wall and yells: “SMALL THING?! HE TOUCHED MY PEOPLE, AND YOU CALL IT A SMALL THING?!”

and bodyguard is like fuckkkk: “yes i’m sorry boss, i said the wrong thing, i’ll leave now”

and then he goes out and hovers by the door while tang yi puts on his brass knuckles and starts punching the dude who is yelling a bit like... not realistically HAHAHAHA - and omg Jack hit it right on the nail, he asked Brother De why he looks so worried and ‘jokingly’ asks, “why, do u know the person inside?” And Brother De is so angry and defensive - jack totally knows what is up

Brother de and Hong Ye meet up and here we find out that they ordered the hit on shao fei in a sense to get rid of him - they wanted to show tang yi that shao fei can’t protect anyone and then chase him away, but they were supposed to come teach shao fei a lesson with like wooden sticks and not guns - hong ye was a bit stunned by that as well and she asked ah de like wtf did you really want to kill me?! and ah de is like confused also, he doesn’t really know how the plan went wrong?! and hong ye is like, whatever, i will cooperate with you only up to here, if tang yi manages to get any answers, it’s all on you (like not cool hong ye, tang yi would totes forgive you if you just admitted it i think)

anyway, switch to the balcony scene with tang yi and jack, where jack asks who it was that ordered the hit, and tang yi says: “chen wen hao”

okay so my theory is that maybe chen wen hao really has smth to do with this - he kind of derailed the plan and changed it to legitly wanting to kil hong ye and shao fei (more hong ye than shao fei more likely) - but right now they dont know it they just think that they’re safe and their story checks out

Okay so Hong Ye and Dao Yi - Gosh she’s kind of a brat but I get where she’s coming from. anyway she leaves brother de and then dao yi is waiting for her in the carpark - the man knows he way better than she knows herself, and i think he knows that she had something to do with the shooting, but he didn’t say anything except to hint that she better leave shao fei up to tang yi and stop trying to interfere. hong ye is adamant that shao fei is a different kind of person from them, and dao yi is like: “that’s for the boss to decide. the way he treats him... shao fei is different to him”

OH MY GOD THANK YOU SOMEONE SAYING IT AS IT IS FINALLY NO MORE SUBTLE LOOKS AND SMILES SOMEONE SAID IT

and anw, hong ye manages to make this entire thing about her and how dao yi doesn’t love her - sister, i really get you and dao yi really needs to get his shit together, but srsly, a man just got shot for you because you were unhappy with his presence - and gosh unrequited (actually requited) love, but i get her in this part

but seriously, i get that she want shao fei out of the way but they way she did it was totally wrong, does she not know that tang yi is soft for him and cares for him like he has no one else before? she was willing to hurt him to make a point, and then ah de is - gosh dude get a grip

AND OMGGGGGG TANG YI’S FACE AS HE IS BY SHAO FEI’S BEDSIDE - this is what heartbreak looks like guys, he looks like he’s saying goodbye and his fucking expression - wow Chris did a fucking good job he totally looks heartbroken and as if shao fei died or smth, he’s holding his hand and air-tracing his nose and he looks like he’s going to cry - HE REALLY LOVES HIM GUYS - the emotion was really right on point

(and lol the chinese audience - they were scolding tang yi during the first part of the ep because he didn’t seem to have much of a reaction to shao fei’s injury and then when the last part came everyone went BATSHIT CRAZY)

what the fuck is going to happen next episode? i ask, but i know already - tang yi is getting ready to say goodbye to shao fei and push him away because he realised how dangerous it is for shao fei to be around him BUT OUR FAVE CHARACTERS WILL FIND SOME WAY TO BE TOGETHER AGAIN NO WORRIES I DOUBT THEIR BREAKUP WILL LAST MORE THAN AN EP

#history 3: 圈套 #history3圈套 #history 3: trapped #history3: trap #history3 spoilers #summary

[purplesurveys]

1087

survey by tigerfan1205

Name 5 people that are very important to you. Other than my dad, mom, and Angela, I can’t think of anyone else. Andi’s a very close friend but they’re not necessarily I’d-take-a-bullet-for-them levels yet.

Do you like eating chocolate covered cherries or strawberries? I don’t like fruits, so no. I like chocolate-covered unhealthy stuff though, hahah.

What does your 9th text say in your outbox? Ughhhh I remember this tab being in my old cellphones but I can’t quite remember if this is referring to texts I’ve sent, or my drafts. Anyway, my phone doesn’t store text drafts and I can no longer recall my 9th last sent text.

Ever had a really scary dream? Tell me about it. I’ve had loads of nightmares but my least favorites have always been the ones where someone I love is shot and they had to pass away in my arms. Out of all my scary dreams, those are the ones that send me crying in my sleep/as soon as I wake up.

Where is the coolest place you've been on vacation? Vigan was great because it really felt like visiting a 17th-century town. Singapore and Shanghai were also fun because it felt cool going to places much richer than ours and getting to interact with technologies that we will never get to have here HAHA

Would you rather have salad or french fries for a side dish? Erm, unless the salad has spicy tuna in it, fries all the way please.

Ever been to California? Did you like it? No. Idk, it’s not the first place on my list if I am to visit the US though. Places in the East Coast and the Midwest personally appeal more to me - and I’m fully aware it’s because they’re well-known for being passionate wrestling hubs.

What's your favorite thing about the town you live in? I live right smack on the boundary between the more urban sprawl of Manila and the quieter, more peaceful and quaint mountain part of my city. It’s very easy to access either depending on what I’m in the mood for.

Do you like Mexican food? What's your favorite dish to eat? It’s great, but not my top favorite cuisine. My favorite dishes would have to be fajitas and chimichangas.

Favorite kind of pizza is? Quattro formaggi all the wayyyy. You’ll never see me ordering anything else.

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? If so, how long have you been dating? No.

Any brothers or sisters? Do they make you mad? I have one of each. My sister will sometimes piss me off, but it dies down quick. My brother did something unforgivable to me two years ago so that’s how long I have been constantly mad at him.

Are you nosy? Eh, sometimes? For the most part I know my place though. I let people share the amount they’re willing to, and very rarely do I try to pry.

Ever been to a bar? What was it like? Sure, had my fair share of favorites too when going out was still a normal thing. For me, bars are the best if I’m with the right mix of people. If I’m in a crowd I’m not necessarily close with, it can definitely dampen the experience as I will only be feeling awkward. The people in the bar will sometimes be a factor too – I will most likely feel annoyed if I’m somewhere that’s clearly populated by high schoolers or college freshies as they can get super rambunctious and loud.

Are you old enough to drink? Yes, have been for the last 4 (almost 5) years.

What's your favorite kind of flower? I enjoy looking at peonies.

Would you rather have pasta or chicken? Right now, probs chicken - preferably chicken wings because that sounds the most fucking yummmmmm rn. We’ve been having pasta a bit too much at home so it would’t hurt to skip it for now.

Have you ever dated someone, but made them not tell anyone about it? Yeah. Gabie and I got back together in our final months of high school. We were about to graduate and it was crucial we kept our record clean so that the school won’t strip us of our diploma and prohibit us from marching (it was Catholic school, sooo homophobia and stuff). Because of that, we had to keep it secret for about a month and a half. As soon as I got home from the ceremony and my family dinner, I shared the news on social media. So I didn’t exactly make her keep it secret - it was a mutual understanding.

What's the meanest thing you have done to a friend? I honestly can’t recall a time i deliberately set out to be an ass to someone I considered a friend. The one thing I can recall was accidentally misgendering Andi when I was still getting used to their pronouns, but I didn’t do it on purpose.

Have you ever kissed anybody with the name starting with a C or R? No. Those are my initials though, ha.

Why did you and your last ex break up? She wasn’t ready, she wasn’t down for commitment, and she felt suffocated having only been in a relationship throughout her late teen and early adult years. She really made herself sound like such a victim and she made it sound like commitment is the biggest sin, and so I blamed myself a lot during the first few months of our breakup; but I’ve since made a conscious effort to turn my mindset around and convince myself that I’m not at fault. Bye gaslighters.

Have you ever had a really bad fight with a best friend? Angela and I only had petty fights and our last one was in like 5th grade. Gab and I got into heavy arguments, but only when we were in a relationship and never as friends.

Do you like spaghetti? It’s okay. I like other types of pasta better.

Which color: orange or red? Red.

Do you know any songs by Katy Perry? Do you like her music? She’s...popular lmao, so yeah I know a good number of her songs. She’s in the middle for me; some songs I really enjoy, like E.T., Dark Horse, and Thinking of You (a personal fave); and there are some that didn’t grow on me as much, like Wide Awake and that awful Christmas song she recently released.

Ever had a near death experience? I suppose. My almost-car crash is the event I always cite.

Which number: 5 or 19? 19, for no reason whatsoever.

What's your favorite song by Taylor Swift? Why is that your favorite? Wildest Dreams; it meant a lot to me on a personal level for a time; right now it’s kinda doing it again for me. From her newest album, I really like dorothea also because it’s a bit relevant to my life at the moment.

Pick one: apples or oranges? I guess oranges. I don’t like fruits but I’m more likely to take a liking to orange-flavored stuff, like juice or chewy candies.

Do you know anybody named George or Bob? I don’t think so.

What do you like better, being single or in a relationship? Why is that? I like being in a relationship; commitment comes easy to me and I love looking out for a significant other, supporting them in their dreams, and generally just having someone to focus on, build a future with, and spoil. Being single hasn’t been bad and I guess I won’t mind if I never found someone; but in the grand scheme of things it’s really nice to be able to love someone.

Are you close with your mother? Not really but our relationship isn’t as strained as it used to be.

Have you ever dated someone named Kyle? Nope.

If you still go to school, who sits next to you in your fifth period? I can’t remember the last time I had five classes in a day, lol.

Who was the last person to ring your doorbell/knock on your door? I think it was my mom, earlier this morning when she arrived back home from her daily jog.

Does anything on you itch right now? Yeah actually; the opposite elbow got itchy just now.

If the last person you kissed came to your house now, what would you say? “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

If your ex called you crying, what would it most likely be about? I have no clue, and she would never do that so I literally can’t imagine even a hypothetical reason for this. It has to be a super serious situation, likeeeeeee idk, maybe a death. *knocks on wood aggressively*

Who was the best kisser out of all the people you have kissed? I’ve only kissed one person, so can’t compare.

Name everyone you have texted today. This media guy celebrating his birthday today so I had to ask him for his details so we could send him a gift, as well as the contact person for the cake shop that we got in touch with to order said gift for the birthday celebrant.

Who was the last person you spoke to for over 5 minutes over the telephone? Maybe my grandma when she called a few months ago.

How many times have you went to the bathroom today? Around three times total, I think.

Who do you currently live with? My dad, mom, Nina, my brother, Kimi, and Cooper.

What do you like better: sour or sweet candy? Sweeeeeeet. No sour anything for me, thanks.

Have you ever been told that you have an annoying laugh? No but I hope this isn’t an actual thing people say to other people. They can think others’ laugh is annoying, but I think it’s one of those things that you can just try to get over and is unnecessary to raise lol.

#survey #surveys

[hipsofsteel]

bro you gotta tell me more about chris

Gladly! The dad man is important to me. And so, we meet…

Christopher “Chris” Lewis Joseph, personification of Eastern Oregon/Nyo!Oregon

Credit to crikadelic, who will not be tagged in this post for reasons.

Physical Description

At 5′10, with dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, and a slightly olive skin tone, Chris is a very good looking man. He’s got well trimmed facial hair that can be a bit scruffy and thin, but he maintains it well. He’s well muscled from his work as a cattle rancher, and general farmwork. He is half Nez Perce (Nimiipuu) and half English, born in the area of present day Joseph, Oregon in 1806, and celebrates his birthday on February 14th.

Chris’s face claim is model Julian Schratter. He has no voice claims at the moment.

Personality

Christopher and Beverly were cut from the same cloth in some respects. Controlling either of them is nearly impossible. He’s a force of nature when he wants to be, stubborn and insistent and nearly impossible to be forced to do something he refuses to do. He’s as free-spirited and wild as he wants to be.

At the same time, he shows a remarkable degree of caution and thoughtful behavior that his twin sister tends to lack. If not caught in an urgent situation or in his own whirlwind of passions, he approaches things with well-thought out responses and is a calm and collected and highly intelligent man. He’s a great person to go to for advice.

He’s also very attached to those he forms close relationships with, either as family or friends. He’ll always have his twin sister’s back, and anyone who finds themselves in the position of being “adopted” as his child has just gained an ally and parental figure who will love them and defend them endlessly. Although, dispute it as he does, he does have a favorite child (Adam).

Sexuality and Gender

Behold, the one and only heterosexual cisgender OC I’ve made for my States. Chris is an incredible ally however, who openly supports all his friends and family.

Also, his type of women is as follows, so I promise you can trust him.

And he means it.

Religion

Chris has a personally styled fusion between Christianity and the indigenous religions he was raised around on the Columbian Plateau. He is not really big on explaining his faith as it’s a deeply personal and conflicting matter even for himself, so I don’t have much more to say than that for him. However, one of his two most irreplaceable objects he owns is a copy of Henry Harmon Spalding’s translation of the Book of Matthew into Nez Perce. Take from that what you will.

Employment

Chris has previously made his living as a farmer and for a brief while as a blacksmith, but nowadays, he owns a cattle range and is a full-time rancher, with a large range area in Central/Eastern Oregon. He also raises horses on the side, both as a secondary income and to continue traditions of horse breeding he was raised in with the Nez Perce.

Pets

I’ll try to keep this brief, but Chris has seven animals he considers close pets/his long lifespan has affected theirs, so I’ll divide it into sections.

Dogs

Zip and Lucky

Zip is Chris’s working dog, a purebred blue heeler who knows how to move a cow herd as well as he knows that when Chris puts on dark and clean pants, he’s leaving the house for meetings (sadness) and when he puts on less nice “farm” pants, they’re working stock that day (happiness!)

Lucky is based on Rincon, the dog owned by Chris’s faceclaim. Lucky is a beloved pet mutt and gets to come with Chris and Zip to work cattle, although his main job is to sit and stay since he has zero Cow Sense.

Horses

Jackrabbit, Strawberry, Juniper, and Celilo

Is Chris a dog or cat person? Neither, he’s a horse person (followed by dogs).

Jackrabbit is Chris’s horse he’s had the longest, serving as Chris’s warhorse during his youth. He’s one of the fastest horses any of the western states own, and he’s very selective about who’s allowed to ride him (Christopher, Beverly, Adam, and Helen are the only people who can). He’s a wild tempered buckskin Nez Perce Horse stallion.

Strawberry is a red roan Appaloosa that Chris has had nearly as long as he’s had Jackrabbit. She’s a gentle mare and very good with people.

Juniper is a Kiger Mustang mare, slightly more testy than Strawberry, and more prone to being spooked, but she’s a good horse.

Celilo is a palomino American Quarter Horse gelding, bought to be a reliable pack-horse for Chris. He’s as gentle as Strawberry and loves people.

Jackrabbits

Little Lady or “Lady”

Once upon a time, Chris and Juniper accidentally spooked a mother jackrabbit into the claws of a hawk, and then nearly immediately found her babies. Chris raised the three kits and released them into the wild shortly afterwards, but Lady stuck around his house. She appears pretty reliably every year, and seems to have been affected by his long lifespan, so he gave her a name and treats her a bit more like a pet than anything else.

He loves to joke that Jackrabbit met an actual jackrabbit, and everyone around him glares at him.

Relationships with other States

Family first

Western Oregon/Oregon

Credit to crikadelic again.

Sometimes, your twin sister is a lumberjack lesbian (quite literally on both counts) with arms made of steel and one hell of a right hook. Also she’s way more liberal than you, and politically you get dragged along with whatever she wants.

Ironically, once upon a time, Beverly wasn’t the main personification of the Oregon Territory. It wasn’t until American settlement picked up that the power of the state swung to her. Before then, Christopher held most of the power, but this was also when the Oregon Territory including all of Washington, Idaho, parts of Montana and Wyoming, and since Chris was entirely east of the Cascades, well, it made sense that he held the upper hand. Only later as the size of the land they represented shrank did power trade hands.

As independent as Beverly is, and as willing to tell her twin to fuck off, they have a very close relationship. They tell each other off, and sparks fly between them quite often, with Beverly usually being the one to storm off while Chris remains a wall of a human being. But they’ll quietly make up out of sight later, and then be right back to joking around and teasing each other.

And when it comes to advice, Beverly has no closer confidant than her twin, and often shows him the vulnerability that no one else sees. They trust each other implicitly, knowing that despite their differences, they won’t lead the other astray. No one could ask for a better twin sister.

Eastern Washington/Nyo!Washington

Credit to ME! 

First off, he’s the one on the right, the one on the left is Idaho (we’ll get to him in a bit).

Adam Landes-Bush is the original cause of a radiation of dad energy that seeps from Christopher at pretty much every moment of every day. After retrieving Adam from the Whitman Mission shortly after the Whitman Massacre, Chris basically said “My weird looking white kid now” and ran with it.

He and Adam had to learn to live together fast with help from Helen, as Adam is mute, and Helen taught them both Plains Sign Talk. But Chris adored Adam and taught him how to shoot, hunt, ride, and accepted his limitations when he hit them. He did his best to give Adam a good life, even when it meant sending him away from impending war to live with Martha, who he barely knew then.

They remain close, sharing more culturally with each other and Idaho than they sometimes do with the western halves of their states. Chris was the first person Adam came out to, and the fact that Chris instantly accepted allowed him to embrace his identity as a gay man in a time that it was socially, at best, simply not talked about. Chris would and has killed to protect this boy, and would gladly do so again.

Western Washington/Washington

Credit to crikadelic

Martha, Adam’s younger sister, views Christopher as a father figure, and so, in turn, he’s a little nicer to her than he is to Beverly sometimes.

Christopher and Martha met at a crossroads in both their lives. Christopher had been involved in the Nez Perce War and come home feeling lost and alone. Beverly had taken off around the same time to run wild in the Southwest, leaving a still very young Martha to fend for herself and Clark, and now Adam. Martha was struggling to handle the load, and Christopher needed to find his place in this unfamiliar world, and fast.

They were able to cooperate quickly, Chris taking on the workload of the farm and helping with Clark, allowing Martha and Adam to start growing and learning the responsibilities they needed to run a state. And in exchange, Martha taught Chris how to read and write English, and helped him improve his skills in speaking the language. 

To this day, they haven’t forgotten this point in their lives, and tend to critique each other much more carefully than they critique the other halves of their states.

End of Family, onto other states

Idaho

Credit to crikadelic

Ah, Clark Ashley, who exists in the most interesting little place in Chris’s mind. He’s friends with this guy, almost a father figure, hell, helped raise the little twerp. At the same time, he’s made Adam cry before, so he could also wring his neck. 

Clark and Chris have a very good and amiable relationship in general, and enjoy the other’s company. Clark admires Chris a lot, and Chris views him like a much younger version of Beverly, carrying many of her same qualities of extreme stubbornness and rampant emotions, as much as Clark will say he’s nothing like her.

However, the root of Chris’s constant problems with Clark relies mainly on one fact. Clark’s internalized homophobia at himself that affects his and Adam’s relationship, which has swayed from deeply involved romance to barely tolerating being in the same room. When Clark and Adam get into spats with their push me, pull you, almost a relationship, Chris gets caught in the middle, and always takes Adam’s side in the fight. He’s tried to even discourage them from pursuing each other at times to end the constant back and forth, but it’s never worked.

However, as Clark’s started to accept himself in the 21st century, Chris has been the one person who’s been able to reassure him that , yes, for some crazy reason, Adam still likes you, and Chris thinks that this time, for real, Clark is unlearning the toxic culture he absorbed. So, he wishes that crazy kid lots of luck.

Southern California/California

Credit to crikadelic

To say Roberto and Christopher are antagonistic would be the nicest way of putting it. Despite pretty much being of equal levels of importance to Beverly in her family, they cannot tolerate each other.

Roberto blamed Christopher for some of the worst of Beverly’s behaviors in the 1870s and 1880s, and Christopher blamed Roberto for stifling Beverly so much that she hadn’t been able to emotionally mature. Both arguments had some validity, and yet, a divide in opinions had begun.

Nowadays, Chris and Roberto are mainly antagonistic on pure principle. Chris represents a part of Oregon that is noticeably more red, and Roberto represents 55 blue electoral college votes. Chris has been considerably affected by Californication (large real estate development projects generally seen as similar to those in California), and Roberto sees him as very set in the past and unable to move forward.

Let’s just say Beverly has to work out the holiday seating arrangements very carefully.

Montana

Credit to crikadelic

Helen Rankin has been a friend since Chris met her when the Nez Perce went to trade with the Crow. She taught him sign, became an unofficial mother figure to Adam, and, much later on, officially involved with Christopher himself (they dated from 1898 to 1927).

They’re close friends and allies still. Helen’s as strong as a mountain in more ways than one, and one of the few people who can sway Chris when he’s a storm of emotions. She can be just as stubborn as him, and yet he admires her just as she is, and she feels the same about him. She’s saved his ass so many times, and he’s saved hers a few himself. If they needed the other there, they’d be there in a heartbeat.

They also additionally have an “unofficial” daughter to accompany their unofficial son in Adam. I’ve been developing a Missoula, Montana OC (Mariah Welch), and she’s been heavily influenced by Chris over the years, and is about as damn close to him as Adam. 

A quick note

Before I move on to my next section, I have been tinkering with my canon in the last several months, after a friend who had allowed me to entwine my Statetalia canon very heavily with theirs ghosted me, and this has affected this character significantly.

Christopher had been involved with their Nyo!Texas in the modern day, with Helen as his best friend. However, no longer comfortable with using this person’s OCs, I have yet to decide if Chris and Helen have, in the last few years, rekindled their relationship, or if my own Texas OC, who is a woman and in the earliest stages of development, is in a romantic relationship with him. This is going to take a long while to decide for personal reasons, and I’m okay with that.

Other States-Brief Thoughts

Northern California/Nyo!California- Inexplicably, he likes Alejandra way more than Roberto. Probably because of their little side project for the independent state of Jefferson.

Kansas- Nowhere near as antagonistic as Beverly and Evelyn’s relationship. He will agree with Evelyn to a certain point, but then he has to start defending his sister. Anyhow, she’s cute.

Nebraska- Logan’s a decent guy to have a drink with, definitely would have been a good guy for Adam if Adam hadn’t been so focused on Clark. IF he and Helen don’t end up getting back together in canon, he’s lowkey pushing for Helen and Logan to get together.

New York- Literally irrelevant to him, why are you asking for an opinion on that jackass?

Texas- Absolutely one amazing, ass-kicking woman, with the gift of aim from the gods, a smoking hot body, and God, she could step on him frankly. (I reiterate, my Texas OC is in development and this is subject to change).

RANDOM FACTS

-Sniper man! Christopher has served as a sniper for several wars. The Nez Perce were noted marksmen during the Nez Perce War, and one of the US’s most noted snipers was from Eastern Oregon. 

-Additionally, Christopher has always served in the US Marine Corps when he’s been fighting for the US.

-He originally was given the same last name as Beverly, Joseph-Astor. He dropped Astor following the Nez Perce War as an act of protest.

-Chris has two “paired” names from when I created his character. Beverly’s middle name is Columbia, so Christopher and Columbia, after Christopher Columbus (something neither of them is very thrilled about nowadays), and his middle name of Lewis pairs with Idaho’s first name, Clark, in honor of that famous expedition.

-Has a knife that was from Lewis and Clark’s Corps of Discovery as a trading item. It’s his second most irreplaceable object.

-Speaks Nez Perce (Niimi'ipuutímt), Chinook Jargon, Crow, Plains Sign Talk, ASL, Russian, German, Spanish, Basque, and English. 

-Has the most currently established tattoos out of any of my OCs.

#casuallyeatingrocks #oc chris #aph oregon #hws oregon #nyo oregon #ask hipsofsteel #long post