#actuallyanorexia

[carrotzcake]

reallyy determined not to use symptoms tonight. I successfully went for two brief walks without going to the liquor store so that's a success, I suppose. and having dinner now...this next few hours is the bewitching hours. fingers crossed

#personal #eating disorder #eating disorder urges #eating disorder symptoms #anorexia #bulimia #ednos #osfed #actuallyanorexia #actuallybulimia #edulting #meal plan #dinner #symptoms #anxiety

[trahax]

I used to spend a lot of time on tumblr, writing about my life which ended up mostly being about academia and my raging eating disorder. I was here for the birth of the #actuallyed, #actuallyanorexia, etc tags and at some point had a surprisingly non-zero amount of followers. I do not expect anyone to remember me (I think everyone from that era is long gone) but I blogged mostly as @swallowing--stones and have long since lost the log-in information.

I deleted everything in 2017 (I think?) because it had become so tied to my real life via people who knew me from treatment as well as on tumblr that it wasn't a safe place to empty my thoughts anymore. And I was desperately trying to imagine myself without an eating disorder anyway.

I don't feel like typing up a life history, but here's a tl;dr:

I developed symptoms in 2011 and then refused all attempts at intervention until 2015, at which point I was quite ill and simply could not really function anymore and was scared that I would not be able to earn a PhD if I remained that sick.

I spent the next ~4.5 years in and out of hospitals and treatment programs. Constantly feeling like I was being disappeared from my own life whenever my weight got too low or labs were too far off or whatever.

I walked away from treatment entirely just before 2020. To do so, I purposefully waited until a moment when my weight was high enough and labs stable enough that I could not be legally held.

I have never achieved a period of remission or recovery.

Somehow I did earn my PhD and am now a postdoc, still as eating disordered as ever.

Basically, I just want a semi-anonymous place to maybe write about some of these things again. I don't know if there's still a community here of adults who are just trying to live despite illness (and who are not pro-ED or glorifying their illness) but I guess I'll find out.

#actuallyed #actuallyanorexia #this again? #hello world it's me margaret #eating disorder #ed #anorexia

[thecagedbird]

another sober living 'complaint'

i was literally kicked out of the kitchen in the middle of making dinner because the house manager was doing an intake. she said "can you give us some privacy here?"

a.) no one told me i wasn't supposed to be present during an intake b.) i have to make dinner because i have to eat because i have a fucking eating disorder (not sure she knows/understands all that; no one eats regularly here or cooks) c.) it's 6pm, we're going to an AA meeting as a house at 7 so... d.) i went back downstairs (to turn off the oven & stove) after i heard her go over the new client's history and progressed to house rules (ie no personal info) and again she asked me to leave. mk sorry i'm trying not to burn down the house? e.) she [the house manager] was also complaining that no one told her we were getting an intake today, but i definitely remember someone mentioning it during the sunday house meeting

ughh. THIS. IS. NOT. WORKING.

#personal #sober #sober living #sobriety #alcohol #complaint #intake #alcoholic #alcoholics anonymous #dinner #meal plan #eating disorder #house rules #eating disorder recovery #anorexia #bulimia #ednos #osfed #actuallyanorexia #actuallybulimia #actuallyED #actuallyalcoholic

[inthecatacombs]

honestly i function so much better fully in my ed than i do in this half-life, half-ed, following rules and using “less’/different behaviors and maintaining a not-dangerous but not healthy weight

i did better in almost every area of life when i just gave in and that is hard to deal with

#personal #eating disorders #anorexia #actuallyanorexia #actuallyed #ed tw #eating disorder tw #i had better concentration and focus and i did better at school and work was more manageable back then #just . how

[argumentalley]

Also.

"Anorexia isn't a choice"

Maybe. If you define it only as the mental portions of the disorder.

Choosing what to do about my anorexia is a choice. If it wasn't...well, my life would be a lot simpler and a hell of a lot worse.

I get to choose how I respond to the parts of myself that make me feel like taking bad choices.

I don't always choose right. In those moments, anorexia does feel like a choice. It does feel like something I switch on and off, pick up, put down when I want to.

In reality, the fact that I see it as a choice at all is part of the problem. The idea of starving myself should not feel appealing. It should be repulsive.

And when you're in denial about why you feel like choosing it at all--not admitting that you actually have a disorder-- then it's easy to choose to eat poorly, then use that line "anorexia is not a choice" as a way to justify what you just did as being acceptable because it isn't anorexia because you had a choice. Ignoring that the choice was already made for you a long time ago, not in response to that specific situation, but with regard to whether that choice will be made apparent to you to begin with.

#pro ana #anti pro ana #apac #antiproana #not pro just related to it #so tagging accordingly #eating disorders #actuallyed #actuallyanorexia

[antiproana-margesimpson]

If I ran a blog and had it terminated without warning, I’d be upset too. I could see myself thinking, “hey, that wasn’t your choice. That wasn’t yours to delete.”

That’s omitting an important detail, though. If you ran a pro ana blog and it was deleted out of the blue, you’d have to consider at some point down the line that it was taken down for a reason. While you have the right to express yourself, maybe doing it in such a way that enables someone’s illness is enough to get that platform taken down.

I know you were using that blog to cope. Have you considered running a private blog if you must vocalize these triggering thoughts?

I know having your blog terminated isn’t enough to get you to stop thinking disordered thoughts. Have you considered that vocalizing these thoughts in certain ways can give other people ideas on how to be sick, too?

I know having a blog terminated isn’t going to make a person suddenly choose recovery. You decide to recover when you decide to recover, therefore you should delete your blog/make it private on your own terms, right? But have you considered that running a public blog that glamorizes ED thinking is negatively affecting other people? Eliminating harmful blog content takes higher priority than allowing a sick person to say whatever they want for all to see.

While you have freedom of speech, you have to understand that that freedom doesn’t shelter you from the consequences of whatever you might say. If you don’t want anyone else to suffer from the same crap you do, you have to be mindful of what you say and do online.

I can understand why you’re frustrated but it’s important to look at the bigger picture.

#apac #anti pro ana #anorexia #actuallyanorexia

[depulsorii]

Why do I want my eating disorder back fully?

Why the fuck is my brain trying to romanticise something that destroyed years of my life?

Fuck off

#anorexia #anorexia nervosa #bulimia #bulimia nervosa #eating disorder #actuallyanorexic #actuallybulimic #actuallyanorexia #actuallybulimia #ednos

[write-the-night]

TW BMI and weight talk

+

So I weighed myself this morning and I lost some more weight. I'm back under a 16.5 bmi which was the bmi I was trying to maintain since I'm not in the right mental place to gain any weight right now. And I've been maintaining between 16.5-16.8 for over six months now so I genuinely didn't think I would go lower. I wasn't intending or expecting to go lower, but now that I have my ED is like, ohhhh interesting! I bet you could lose a bit more :)

Which. Ugh. Fuck anorexia. I don't even know what the point is anymore since I don't give a shit about how I look. My ocpd brain just sometimes decides certain numbers are more pleasing than others so it's better to hit those. Funny how I never find healthy weight numbers pleasing though :))))

#ed tw #anorexia recovery #actuallyanorexia #ocpd #actually ocpd #anorexia nervosa #anorexia #ana recovery #recovery #damage control #tw weight #tw bmi

[kayleebitesback]

#kanarecovers #recovery #anorexia recovery #mental health #anxiety #eating disorder recovery #mental illness #depression #ed recovery #edulting #mental illness recovery #recovering #fear #therapy #tired #ed warrior #actuallyanorexia #anorexya #anorexyc #ed memes

[aus-nichts]

alexa search for "how to recover from an eating disorder when you have ibs and adhd so you never have spoons to cook or food that won't make you sick"

#eating disorder tw #tw food #eating disorder recovery #ed things #eating disorder things #actuallyanorexia #actuallyadhd #actuallyirritable #adhd things #idk what tags are and i'm blogging live from the toilet

[edo-vivendum]

You are allowed to feel sadness without taking it out on your body.

You are allowed to feel guilt without attacking yourself.

You are allowed to feel insecure without taking compensatory measures.

You are allowed to feel.

You are allowed.

#personal #ed recovery #recovery #edrecovery #actuallyed #edulting #actuallyanorexia #actually anorexia #positivity #pro recovery #eating disoder recovery #eating disorder recovery #inspiration #actually osfed #recovery inspiration #reminder to self #actually bulimia #actually ed #actually ednos #anorexia recovery #depression #note to self

[carrotzcake]

i had a really good therapy session today and coffee date, challenged myself by splitting a pastry andd made an everyplate meal (my friend gave me a coupon) without focusing too much on the nutritional info. some anxiety about it but it was tasty and felt good about trying something new! date was #3 with this person and it feels really promising. i haven't drank since thursday so fully detoxed, feeling more clearheaded, sleeping better, not urgey.

#personal #date #therapy #monday #recovery #eating disorder recovery #anorexia #bulimia #ednos #osfed #actuallyanorexia #actuallybulimia #actuallyED #edulting

[trahax]

There have been years when I thought of myself as fragile. When it was difficult to walk even medium distances, difficult to carry things, exhausting and difficult to do basic everyday tasks like grocery shopping or laundry.

Then, it made sense that other people saw me that way too.

It made sense when people offered to carry things for me, when they offered me a ride so I wouldn't have to walk, when they offered me a seat on the bus. I was self-conscious about it, but it made sense.

Now? I don't feel fragile. I feel hulking, huge, horrible. I know objectively that I'm still considered "severely underweight", but it's so far from my lowest point that I feel invincible, stronger than I have in literal years.

So it's strange to realize that people still see me as fragile, that they still offer to carry things for me and drive me places. I don't get it. I can walk now. I can lift things. I can do things. I'm cured. Right?

#actuallyanorexia #actuallyed #I guess your perspective shifts over the years #it's so alien to think that anyone could see me as frail or in need of help

[thecagedbird]

ED treatment centers/providers are always like "what's really going on? what're you feeling? #emotionregulation, ask for support, reach out, journal, do yoga, breathee"

but in my experience...it's not that deep? for me, i don't engage in eating disorder behaviors because of some deep seeded trauma, or complex emotional responses and preventing behaviors can be as easy as scheduling something around meals, not bringing my wallet out when i don't anticipate needing it, cuddling with my cat, cleaning my bathroom...

i wish treatment centers provided more realistic/practical resources sometimes. talking about being teased when i was a kid is important and all, i guess, but at this point, not what i need.

#personal #eating disorder #eating disorder treatment #eating disorder recovery #emotion regulation #emotions #emotional #trauma #eating disorder behaviors #eating disorder urges #eating disorder symptoms #treatment #treatment modality #resources #complicated #anorexia #bulimia #ednos #osfed #actuallyanorexia #actuallybulimia #actuallyED #challengED #edulting

[inthecatacombs]

truly right now, things are way too hard, and i just want to respond to it by letting myself give up, get sicker, get physically worse until i’d have to be hospitalized.

and i can’t do that for a number of reasons, one of them being that it really would be a waste of my and the treatment center’s time and resources, because i am not at all approaching it with any desire for or hope of a lasting recovery. i just want the comfort of getting small and sick and not having to deal with the real world.

#personal #anorexia #eating disorders #actuallyanorexia #i don't want to do it but i do

[obsessiveocelot]

Risperidone: *has a known side effect that makes you gain weight*

My doctor, who knows about my eating disorder: Hmm, looks like a GREAT idea to me!

#risperidone #risperidal #eating disorder #actuallyanorexic #actuallyanorexia #actually anorexic #weight #weight tw #medicine tw #ocelot.posts #actual shitpost lmao