my friend took photos of me after dinner, and within the hour they were on his instagram. he did not ask if he could post them, only posted them. i do not know who i want to kill more: him or myself. i look monstrous. i know i am fat but these photos make it so much worse.
i want to purge everything i have eaten today. i am so embarrassed i could die.
there is a hunger that food will not satisfy. my stomach is rotting; it sizzles away, creating an empty hole behind the squishy flesh of my midriff. all the organs in my abdomen are consumed and still, there is nothing inside this hole. it eats everything, and it is empty.
i did not do as well as i would have liked on step count today, but i will do better tomorrow. only four more days of this ridiculous amount of food. i almost want to simply start fasting again immediately, but i told myself one week, so one week it shall be.
Today I was super tired and pretty hungry, so I didn’t workout and I also went over my limit. I still did 12,000 steps and when I got home after my walk, I was so hungry for something actually substantial and filling so I made these protein pancakes and added chocolate chips to make them like a dessert. That took me over my limit, so I ate about 1500 cal today 😭 but honestly it’s okay. I’m going to workout tomorrow and get even more steps in since its the weekend. I’m just so exhausted today, I needed a good meal and now some sleeeeep.
every day that passes affirms more and more that i will be alone until i am thin.
my friends keep telling me that i “will find someone soon” as if i know they are not lying through their teeth.
i look back at my failed relationships, never lasting more than two years. and most of them were before i let myself go the way i did.
my longest relationship was at one of my lowest weights. i was around 180 and almost all muscle, and it was the happiest i had been in a very long time. when that ended, the weight gain began.
now, whenever i meet someone, all they see is how fat and ugly i am. they take pity on me and agree to become my friend while they retch at how hideous i am behind my back. i fool myself into thinking i am worth their affections, i confess my feelings to them, and they let me down as gently as they can while stifling laughter.
when i am thin, this will not happen. i will have a chance to find someone who genuinely wants me, desires me, loves me.
every pound i lose is one step closer to being adored.
idk if this counts as a food crime but ive met so many people that hate seafood and think its gross but i just love. all types of seafood sm like if its a little creature stuck to a rock in the sea ill probably eat it