Breaking Point
𝐓𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞: Breaking Point
𝐅𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐦: Marvel/MCU
𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫(𝐬)/𝐒𝐡𝐢𝐩(𝐬): Wanda Maximoff x Reader
𝐓𝐫𝐨𝐩𝐞: N/A
𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 850
𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: Yelling, arguing, break up, toxic Wanda, toxic-ish Reader, Angst
𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: You are done ripping yourself apart to keep you and Wanda together.
𝐀𝐍: Random angst while I finish editing all these multi-chapter fics I wanna post. I am an unfortunate perfectionist. I may continue this in the future or I may never touch it again. Let me know what y’all think <3
“I have no reason to sit here and believe that you want nothing to do with me!” Wanda exclaimed, her hands and arms extended at her sides. “You expect me to think you don’t care for me? That you-” She scoffs. “What? That you don’t love me?!”
You gave no response and simply gripped the strap of your duffle bag so tight that your knuckles lightened. She chuckled but it was void of humor. You shifted your weight from one leg to the other and spoke after her outburst.
The living room of your once organized and aesthetically pleasing home was a mess. Couch cushions thrown around, the coffee table knocked over, a broken vase and the wilting flowers that once sat in them laid; abandoned on the ground to die. Just like your relationship.
“I don’t want to leave you—Then don’t— but I don’t want to burn myself to the ground to keep you warm.” You scowled. “It took me packing my shit for you to partially own up to the way you’ve been neglecting me these last few months.”
Screaming and throwing things didn’t work and clearly weren’t the solution; bargaining is all she has left. “Okay, but baby don’t go…I love you; you know that.” She took small steps towards you as if she were approaching a wounded animal on the side of the road. “We can work things out and come back stronger than before.”
Your eyes didn’t bother to push any tears to the surface the same way Wanda’s did. That’s when you knew it was time for you to leave, when you became numb to it all. Numb towards her jokes. Numb towards you being dragged around like a prize rather than a person. Numb to her canceling dates last minute only to see her posting her outings with her friends on social media the same day. Numb to her flirting with people when you were a few feet away. Numb to her love. All of it. You stopped caring and knew that would inevitably lead to you hurting each other. And that was the only thing you were certain you wanted to avoid. Dragging things along, longer than they needed to be.
You sighed then shook your head. “I don’t want to work on it anymore. I don’t want to work on anything, I’m tired of being everything to you when it’s convenient and me seeing you as everything and treating you as everything no matter how many times you’ve hurt me. And regardless of the number of times you’ve let me down—it’s like you’re going down a list and saying hmm ‘what else can I do that will cause them trust issues but ultimately won’t make me single again.’ Like you purposefully have been going out of your way to test my boundaries and push me to the point of complacency and you expect me to sit here and take it and believe you’ll change again? If I was enough for you, I wouldn’t need to be so docile for you to be with me and if you are enough for me, I wouldn’t be reaching my breaking point in such an exhausting manner. You’re not just disrespecting me but the love I have for you is making me disrespect myself. I love you Wanda Maximoff…but you don’t love me and I’m not waiting around for you to start when I love me more than I’ll ever love you.”
Wanda opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. She sobbed and covered her face with her hands as she finally accepted that she lost you. She ruined the one consistent person relationship she had in her life.
Your shoulders sagged as you turned away and walked out the door. Your mind and your heart battling as you begged yourself not to run and comfort her. It would be so easy to turn around and apologize and say that the two of you could work it out. The easy way is not always the right way. Natasha stood outside; leaning on the moving truck with a lit cigarette in her hand. She brought it up to her mouth a final time, inhaled then threw it on the ground and pressed her boot on it. She knows you don’t like cigarettes and didn’t want to make your mood worse from the smell.
“Sorry, I’ll leave the windows down for a bit.” She opened the passenger door then ran around to the drivers side and hopped in.
The truck roared to life, the two of you sat in silence as Natasha pulled out of the complex you and Wanda’s condo was in. Natasha spoke once she was a few miles away.
Without looking at you she asked, “Wanna talk about it?”
Your tears came rushing to the surface all at once. You released a shaky sigh, intertwined your arms and leaned your head on her shoulder. “Nope.” Your giggle was watery and filled with pain.
Natasha leaned down and kissed the top of your head then leaned her head on your own. “Okay.”
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Womanhood as a prison in Natasha Pulley novels
I know that a great deal has already been said about Natasha Pulley’s portrayal of female characters, because even her most ardent fans (and I count myself among them) are often highly critical of how women are written in her stories - or, more aptly, written out of them.
But I think there is more to be said about how not only female characters are presented, but how the very concept of femininity is portrayed, via both the characters’ dialogue and inner thoughts. This analysis will reference all of Pulley’s books with the exception of The Bedlam Stacks. I’m excluding it on the grounds of it having little to no major female characters, but if any Bedlam superfans have any insight to add, please do reblog and contribute.
One of the main criticisms of Pulley’s women is their overarching similarity, so let’s briefly consider those commonalities. They are mostly educated, career-driven scientists (Grace is a budding physicist, Agatha a surgeon, Anna a much more experienced physicist). They are usually unnattractive by conventional standards; Grace is described as looking ‘like a boy’, Pepperharrow refers to herself as being ugly, Agatha is ‘tall and flat-chested’, and Anna’s introduction mentions that she has a ‘blonde buzz cut’ and is somewhat overweight.
They are also generally emotionally cold and poor caretakers, especially in contrast to the male characters. Joe’s wife, Alice, is noted to resent their daughter and engage with her far less than he does. Similarly, Shenkov is significantly more child-orientated than Anna. Agatha forces Missouri to watch a man having his throat cut, because she believes him too gentle for war. Said female characters may also show distaste for softer, more vulnerable women. Takiko Pepperharrow speaks of her mother like this (The Lost Future of Pepperharrow, p. 72):
Saying yes and simpering all the time was silly - her mother did that and even noticeably anxious ducklings walked over her mother
She isn’t the only person to speak of her mother with a degree of pity and distaste. Grace claims that to argue with her own mother feels like ‘slapping a kitten’ - Mrs Carrow is presented as too meek to understand her own powerlessness, to the point that she considers it an achievement to leave the house alone. In the epilogue of The Half Life of Valery K, Valery himself describes the pitiable housewife Cecilia as being ‘just as stunted as his own mother’. Similarly to Mrs Carrow, the aforementioned Cecilia is not presented as fully aware of how small and restricted her life is - her happiness rests on the outcome of a dinner party, nothing larger than that.
The common thread between these pitiable characters is that they embody traditional womanhood - they are married, they are subservient to their husbands, and they have children. Perhaps the most notable - and interesting - trend amongst Pulley’s female charcters is that they invariably have a complicated relationship with marriage, caretaking, and/or childbearing.
Pulley’s novels frequently frame motherhood (along with other traditionally feminine pursuits and behaviours) as an obstacle to the female characters’ goals. In conversation with her mother, Grace talks about the prospect of marriage in the following way (The Watchmaker of Filigree Street, p. 102):
“Wives have duties. If I have children I’ll go insane for a year and a half - don’t look like that, you did, with James and with William, it was terrifying - and that will be a year and a half of weeping over nothing and a brain made of soup in which I can’t work. And then it will happen again with the next child, and then slowly I won’t want to work at all, and I’ll always be soup...”
In Grace’s mind, having children is a barrier to her academic pursuits. She is fiercely certain that giving birth will not only reduce her brain to ‘soup’, but that the impact will be permanent - she will lose herself to motherhood, and it will take away her drive and her intellect. Similar sentiments can be found among other female characters, such as when Takiko observes the following (The Lost Future of Pepperharrow, p. 175):
All her sisters had had children, and all she’d learned from it was that people with children turned inward. She didn’t see any of them anymore.
Once again, there is the sense that motherhood steals from women. It takes them away from themselves by turning them inward, and also from other people in that they lose contact with family members. The Half Life of Valery K foregrounds Anna’s perspective on motherhood (p. 137), which is probably the most extreme of all:
..she had told him straight up when they got married that she wasn’t a natural mother, that she didn’t do well with small helpless things, because she had been trained to care about electron microscopes, thanks, and obviously she would gestate him a small helpless thing to look after if he wanted [...] but there would be no talk of staying home, nesting, or maternal fussing, because frankly that was nothing but weakness of character in a woman...
A significant part of this passage is the notion that Anna is not a natural mother because she has ‘been trained to care about electron microscopes’. Not only does this again put scientific pursuits and childrearing in opposition (you may care for one, not both), the verb ‘trained’ suggests that this behaviour is learned, as though she has been educated out of maternal desires.
At this point in the analysis, I would like to specify that discussing these ideas in fiction is not inherently problematic or anti-feminist. It is vitally important for women to be free to reject motherhood, and by extension it is good to see female characters who are unapologetically unmaternal and unfeminine. When I first read The Watchmaker of Filigree Street, I adored Grace’s character for this - I loved her arrogance, her stubbornness, her distaste for marriage, her coarseness. Even the fact that she looked down on other women made her fascinating to me, because we just don’t see a lot of multi-faceted female characters who act in this way. She was complex and interesting without being a Strong Female Character™ to look up to - she was allowed to be wrong and wildly dislikable.
Where I take issue, however, is the fact that we have never seen an alternative to Grace in all five of Natasha Pulley’s novels. She is yet to write a significant female character who is complex and important despite being more traditionally feminine - there are no women who are scientists and dedicated mothers, who are career-minded and gentle, who are fiercely independent and hopeless romantics. It is one thing for Grace and other characters to disparage the poor, oppressed housewives in their society, but it is another thing entirely for the narrative itself to disparage these women. A woman without an education is still a fully-realised person with her own internal life. Women who cannot attain much agency are still as complex as those who can, yet Pulley’s stories never quite acknowledge this.
Which leads me onto the overarching portrayal of womanhood in Pulley’s novels. I’ve always been hesitant to assume too much based on singular characters, as I do think it’s imporant to recognise that a character’s perspective is not a proxy for the author’s. But after five books, the patterns are undeniable, and I think they’re more marked in The Half Life of Valery K than they ever have been. Consider the quotation below, taken from p. 30:
[Valery] never knew what to say when women pointed out that they were women and that it was, generally, awful. There was a knee-jerk human instinct to say it couldn’t be as bad as all that, like he would have to anyone who was feeling blue, but it was one of those instances where it really was awful, and trying to say it wasn’t was somewhere on the spectrum between stupid and criminal.
Valery offers an invariably bleak perspective on womanhood, which is in keeping with the attitudes of the female characters in Pulley’s books. Not only is womanhood described as miserable - Valery also claims that to deny the truth of this is either ‘stupid or criminal’. There is no space to take a more positive view on femininity.
Being charitable, we could view this as a (heavy-handed) condemnation of sexism and patriarchy, and I do think that this is Pulley’s intention. But it’s worth considering that she does not discuss other marginalisation in this way. Despite the homophobia her numerous queer protagonists face, nobody goes on a similar tirade about the misery of being a man who loves other men. The trials and struggles are acknowledged, but queer love is still rightfully shown to be beautiful and privately joyous - in a way that being a woman never is.
Instead, womanhood in Pulley’s novels is oppressive and inescapable. Even a young girl’s fingernails cannot be neutral - they too represent the trappings of patriarchy (The Half Life of Valery K, p. 274):
“I can’t do it,” Tatiana said to her own laces. She studied her fingernails. “My tools of the patriarchy are getting too long.”
(This is an utterly bizarre thing for a little kid to say, by the way).
Towards the end of the novel, a carriage full of female prisoners is set upon by male ones, which is portrayed almost as an inevitablitity - we do not get a scene of exactly what happens, because the outcome is obvious enough to be implied. This outlook on the inevitability of violence against women is never challenged at any point; Valery only emphasises it in the final pages of the novel (p. 369):
every doctor he worked with and laughed with in tea breaks probably had an identical wife, all of them keeping women like bonsai trees
The messaging across Pulley’s novels is that of womanhood as a prison. There is little to no joy to be found in it; it results in confinement, loss of the self, isolation from others, and exposure to physical and emotional violence. Women who ‘succumb’ to marriage and children are given little voice in her stories - they are pitiable, ‘identical’ lost causes, called ‘stunted’, compared to kittens and bonsai trees. The only female POVs are that of women rebelling against conventional femininity, who are ambivalent or outwardly resentful towards caretaking, childrearing, and reliance on others. And even these women do not get to take up a great deal of space; all of them serve as obstacles to the central romances and all of them are written out to secure the male characters’ happily ever afters.
I do not believe that Natasha Pulley has malicious intent in how she writes female characters. It is important to address misogynistic violence and the ways in which the institution of marriage has restricted and oppressed women, and I believe she does try to do that. But there are ways to explore this issue whilst still acknowleding the variety of women’s experiences - and, crucially, showing that there is more to femininity than suffering.
But it requires time and space. Natasha Pulley has no hope of doing this if she does not start deviating from her usual archetypes - her stories need a better quality and quantity of women. While I live in hope of improvements to her female representation, I would be lying if I said I was optimistic.
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Left Behind- Chapter 1
Summary: An AU where Hangman is chosen for the mission and saves Rooster's life, but no one goes back for him. Command needs to debrief the team but one Javy "Coyote" Machado isn't letting them off the hook so easily.
Warnings: Angst, lots of angst, and hold on wait a minute…… ah yes even more angst! Sorry it’s all I know how to write 🤷♀️
There was a coldness gathered in the ship that afternoon, far beyond the wisps of the November sea breeze. The air was heavy, suffocating, and it gathered around the crew like a blanket you couldn’t find your way out from under. Yet of all those on the ship, it seemed to bury the Dagger Squad the most. They sat huddled in a briefing room clinging to each other, silent tears on some faces, choked sobs from others. A few couldn’t contain their subdued relief at having made it back on board before guilt crushed the breath from their lungs. Relief was not allowed today, not after what happened in the skies over those snowy mountains.
They had lost one of their own.
Lieutenant Jake Seresin, call sign Hangman, designated team leader for the Uranium Mission, had proven his nickname wrong. He had turned his plane around, had shielded Bradley Bradshaw from an onslaught of surface to air artillery, and had been rewarded with a missile into his own jet. They had seen no parachute.
When the order came from command to head back to the ships, not one pilot disobeyed. There was confliction in their hearts, for all their animosity Hangman was still their teammate, but no one turned around. Ironic in that the man who spent a career hearing he was a bad teammate moved in with no hesitation; the team that chastised him for all those years, left with not a second glance.
Only Lieutenant Machado, designated Dagger Spare for the mission and Jake’s best and perhaps only friend, fought to go back for the blonde. He begged command, pleaded until he was on the verge of tears and then almost went anyway. The flight crew had to stop him; four grown men muscling Coyote out of the plane and back towards the ship as he struggled to push out of their grip. Finally Hondo came forward, swooping in with his calm stoicism and wrapping Javy into the biggest bear hug he could. The young pilot just collapsed into it and sobbed.
Hours later and Javy sat huddled between Halo and Fritz. Callie kept his head burrowed into her neck, whispering low words of comfort as Billy rubbed small circles in the man’s back. They sat in the back of the room, closest to the exits and with no one behind them, but it didn’t stop the other members of the team from turning every so often in solemn solidarity, until remorse reared its ugly head and they turned back around in their chairs just like they did in their aircrafts.
Admiral Simpson, Admiral Bates and Captain Mitchell entered at last, each with an air of professional-laced grief as they strode to the front of the group. A few pilots moved to stand at an attention but it was waved off quickly if only to expunge the people that couldn’t stand; their anguish weighing them down in tons.
“Daggers” Admiral Simpson began, his eyes taking in the room at large. The devastation was palpable but Beau shouldered on, “I know this isn’t where any of you want to be right now, but we have to get this done. Let’s begin with the canyon, Lieutenant Trace would you like to speak for your group-“
“Sir?” Javy pushed himself up from Callie’s embrace and stood up from his chair, his face contorting in confusion, “what are you- what are we doing here?”
The pity on his superior officer’s face, on all his team in fact, made Coyote want to punch something but instead he raised his voice and asked again, “What are we doing here?”
“We need to debrief son” Bates voice was calm and measured, almost like he was talking to a cornered animal, “we have to discuss what happened out there today.“
“We can’t debrief!” Javy looked to the others as though waiting for someone to let him in on the joke, “Jake’s not back yet.”
“Coyote-“ Maverick began softly, “kid-“
But the young man wouldn’t listen; instead he shook his head, imploring someone to understand, “no we can’t start until Jake’s back, he needs to be here.”
Admiral Simpson nodded patiently, “We have spotters in the control room,” he informed gently, moving down the row of tables until he was in front of Javy, “if Lieutenant Seresin were to make his way back, they would let us know.”
“’If?” Coyote stood up straighter meeting his superior’s eye, “Sir he’s out there-“
“Lieutenant Machado-“
“You’re leaving him to die.” The younger man turned to his teammates, “you all left him to die!”
Fritz stood up next to him, reaching to wrap a hand around his shoulders, “Sir, maybe I should take Coyote out for some air-“
“NO!” Javy shook off Billy’s grip and then Callie’s too when the woman also moved to contain him, “No! I’m not leaving until I hear why you didn’t send search and rescue Sir” he stared the Admiral down, “he’s out there-“ Javy pointed behind him, in the last direction he had seen of his best friend, “alone, wondering when his team, his damn country is going to help him and instead you are standing here wanting to talk about what happened on the mission? I’ll tell you what happened on the mission Sir” and now Javy was yelling, “YOU LEFT ONE OF YOUR OWN TO DIE!”
“Lieutenant-“ Maverick began but all it did was give Coyote’s ire another target. “And you!” he screeched, his voice cracking with emotion, “you pushed teamwork and being wingmen and what you will say to everyone’s family, well let’s hear it Mav, what are you saying to Jake’s family?”
“Javy-“
“No” he instigated roughly, “let’s hear it because Jake doesn’t have a family okay? Those assholes gave up on him decades ago. The only people he ever thought gave a damn about him is in this room, so let’s hear Captain, why is Jake d-“ he couldn’t say the word, “why is Jake not here?” he amended emotionally.
Maverick took a few steps forward cautiously, “Javy, I’m sorry son, but-“
“Fine!” Coyote called out louder than Mav’s voice to drown out whatever the man was going to say next, “I’ll say it. Jake isn’t here because he was too busy saving you” he turned right to Bradley who looked pale in his chair. “He saved your life, and you couldn’t even wait two seconds to see where he landed-“
“There was no parachute man” Fanboy cut in, shaking his head, “I checked. He didn’t eject-“
“That doesn’t mean shit and you know it!”
Nat sniffed back a sob as she stood and turned towards her devastated teammate, “He crashed too hard Javy” she offered, “he wouldn’t have survived-“
“You didn’t even circle around to look for movement. You could have looked-“
She shook her head, her eyes stained with tears, “there was nothing to see.”
“You don’t know that” Javy pushed away his chair, anger taking the place of his grief. Anger at this team that meant so much to Jake but clearly he didn’t mean as much to them, and yet wasn’t that always the case for Jake Seresin? His mother, his father, his classmates, his team, all these people that Jake tried to give love to and yet not one of them could sacrifice even an inch to give something back to him. Coyote felt his stomach clench in anguish, “If it were anyone else you would have turned back” He watched Natasha’s face crumble and he knew he had tone, “but because it was him-“
”The team followed my command Lieutenant” Admiral Simpson spoke up, bringing the focus of the angry man back to him, “I ordered them back.”
Javy’s dark eyes landed on the Daggers who made it home, “if it were Rooster or Payback or Phoenix you all would have turned around but because it was Jake- you kept going, he wasn’t worth the effort right?”
“That’s not fair” Bob interrupted, his hand holding Phoenix’s as she began to sob at Coyote’s accusation, “Hangman was hit, there was nothing we could do for him.”
”Bob’s right” Maverick agreed, “there was no parachute, no radio contact, no esat link. What did you expect them to do-“
Coyote steered himself, standing straighter as he looked down at his Captain, “I expected someone to give a damn Sir.”
”Of course we do Javy” Payback urged, “but killing ourselves as well won’t bring Seresin back-“
”He’s not dead!”
”Lieutenant-“
“He’s alive!” Coyote urged them desperately, agonizingly fraught, “I can feel it.” He walked over to Bradshaw seeing a man that looked as broken as he felt and clung to him, “you feel it too, don’t you?” he asked but the mustached man just gave a pained whisper of “please” before he looked away.
“Lieutenant Machado” Admiral Simpson was taking control again, though the man looked anything but steadfast as he tried to wrangle the room to some kind of order, “I know this is a difficult time and I understand your emotions but if you cannot control yourself than I am going to have to ask you to leave. We have to get through this debrief-“
“Does Jake really mean that little to you Sir?”
“Lieutenant Seresin understood the risk of his profession-“ the second the words left his mouth Beau knew he messed up. The entire room fell into silence as Coyote reddened in rage. Lieutenant Machado strode back forward, standing so close to his Admiral, Beau thought for a moment he might actually be struck. But instead Javy decided to hit them all in a more devastating way.
“You’re right Sir” the man began, viciously low, “Jake knew the risks, hell he used to tell me that if his life didn’t end in a fiery wreck in the sky, he was doing it wrong. He had no qualms about it” Javy mused, “no fear, no doubts. He gave everything to this team, to you all, this is all he wanted; to be a Dagger, to help save the world. And yet” he looked at the rest of the pilots, “you all bitched about flying with him. ‘Hangman’s gonna leave us hangin’, Hangman is a cocky asshole, Hangman is a show-off’.” Coyote shook his head, “Jake has had to deal his entire career listening to people call him selfish and cocky and always leaving his wingman but in the end he was the only one of all of you who didn’t! He cared for all of you so freaking much.” A sob ripped from his throat, “He has no family, just me, and he thought of all of you as the closest thing he’d get to a real one, whether you reciprocated or not,” Coyote sniffed and wiped his face with the back of his hand, “God he just wanted to protect you. He wanted the best from you all, to make us all better. Because if we were all the best, nothing could touch us, nothing could ruin this” He spared a minute to look at the others before Javy turned to Rooster, “he said the stuff about your dad to motivate you. He thought it would get you to go faster, to stop living in your own head. He didn’t know it would be so poorly received because he didn’t know any better. God-“ the man slammed his hand down desperately on the desk, “why couldn’t any of you see, he never knew any better.”
“Javy” Maverick placed a hand on his arm and squeezed gently but firmly, “son let’s get some air-“
“And you” Coyote forced his eyes to meet his Captain, “he worshiped you” he admitted softly.
“What?”
“You and Iceman and all the greats, he worshiped all of you. When he found out who you were, when he saw some of your files, my God he couldn’t wait to go up in the skies with you. That first day, you remember what you said?” he waited but Maverick didn’t reply, “you said, ‘you’re good, kid, I’ll give you that’.” Javy shook his head sadly, “he was so happy, he didn’t care you shot him down later, he was just so damn ecstatic you noticed him. That you said he was good.”
“Javy-“
Coyote looked to the two Admirals, “he worshiped both of you too. He just wanted to make you all proud, to prove his worth, and you all left him to die.”
“Lieutenant Machado-“
“Leave no man behind right?" the pilot chided sternly, "Well you left the best man I ever knew behind, a man who would have never done that to someone, call sign be damned. A man who sacrificed himself because he felt that you all deserved to live more than him. A true hero and my b-brother” his voice caught as he struggled to continue. Javy urged himself to sniff down a sob to get this last part out not for himself but for Jake, “So I’m sorry Sir” he turned back to Simpson, “for interrupting your debrief but it needed to be said. Someone needed to speak up on Jake’s behalf. He deserved it.”
Javy didn't wait for his CO's to dismiss him, he didn't even wait as Maverick called his name once more. Instead the man headed out of the room and to the deck where he would sit and watch the horizon, the same horizon that Jake had flown towards that morning. Because Javy could feel it in his heart, his best friend was out there and even if every other Dagger and every other person in the damn Navy wanted to give up and list Hangman as KIA, Javy wouldn't. He would take watch and hold vigil until his brother came home once more.
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