#Ive always been bad at writing and I feel guilty making other people read it

[theshushdragonsleeps]

So I'm pretty bad at expressing myself through writing cuz I'm pretty shit at it, but I can't get out of my head the scene of Jaiden comforting and confronting Roier during Festa Junina. It's the fact that Jaiden, through her own grief and self isolation, grabs a hold of a drowning Roier. Looking at him and truly seeing him and accepting him at his lowest point. Loudly declaring that he deserves kindness and love and she is his partner and that she is here for him. 

And I believe she will not waver about her conviction and affection for him. And while she may need time and she may be hurt beyond comprehension, she will never actually leave him until the day she is no longer wanted. (Even then she will leave with kindness and understanding.) 

In fact, until the day when one or both are ready to come apart and become their own person again, I believe that together they will be holding each other up. Unwilling to let the other fall despite their own pain.

And just, I love their partnership so much. I know other people in this fandom have been upset that Jaiden or Roier haven't been there for each other enough since Bobby's death, but I need people to understand that both are the type to self isolate when upset. Like Roier might still be a part of the bigger group and acting dramatic around others while Jaiden is acting fine with her usual silliness and then completely disappearing, but both doing the same thing. Both are trying to make a “joke” about how much of a mess they have become after Bobby died without ever having to open up and talk to anybody about it. Both are giving a show as if to say “I wont let you see how much I’m actually hurting because if you actually saw me grieve without my mask of silliness, I will become a burden and you will leave me” 

And by god if I don't feel this to my very core which might be why I’m so obsessed over this. Cuz despite their own fear of being perceived and the feeling of becoming a burden or being looked down upon and used, they are still reaching out and offering others nothing but love.

Like if I remember correctly there was a time when someone (I can't remember who, sorry) asked Roier what he wanted and he said that he wanted someone to fully accepting him and give him a place to feel like he was being cared about, and to be the one on the receiving end of love rather than always being the one to reach out. And here is Jaiden with the sun rising behind her with arms wide open bathed in the new dawning warmth, only offering love and asking for nothing in return. 

Bobby may have been their sunset, but together through the love they have for each other they are creating their own sunrise. 

 And just, ahhhh, sorry I know all of this was overly long winded and badly written and I'm deeply embarrassed by the fact that I can't write better than this but I wanted to try out being a part of a voice in the void of a fandom for once and get a little bit of my love for these two out there.

#qsmp #qsmp jaiden #qsmp roier #I've actually edited this down a lot and still feel like I'm not properly articulating myself #like there are things in here Im worried will come across wrong #or im miss remembering roier talk about how he wants someone to care about him #did i make that up?? #ahhhhhhhh #im so scared so im posting this late when no one else usally posts to minamize who sees this #also i understand my gramer and uses of commas and periods are wrong #Ive always been bad at writing and I feel guilty making other people read it #sorry

[silverskye13]

can i ask how you get the motivation to write? ive been writing for most of my life but i have such a hard time sticking with it

Honestly it just comes from the overwhelming desire to create. In a perfect world, I would rather animate or make comics, but my life is short on time, so I write instead. I can take my fic with me everywhere, squeezing in writing time while in lines or alone in the office or whatever. It's versatile.

For long projects specifically, it helps to have a plan. You don't have to outline everything [though I know people who do that]. Knowing you have a premise and a major climax somewhere is sufficient. The premise is interesting to you, the major climax is the very cool finish line you want to cross. Setting that goal of "write until you write the thing you desperately want to write" keeps me going. It's why I write chronologically instead of cherry picking scenes I have ideas for and then filling in the blanks later. I treat those scenes like they're dessert. You want it? Work for it :3 not to say cherry picking is a bad thing. I know plenty of people it works for. I just know myself, and if I give myself the fun payoff when I want it, I won't slog through the rest.

In the shorter term other things that help:

Making music playlists or mood boards or whatever. Give your brain a reason to keep picking at the story outside of the story context. Make it fun to work on. Don't feel like writing but don't want to forget you have a project? Add songs to the playlist, look up photos for setting inspiration, make a Tumblr tag for quotes. It has the added bonus of helping your story along, and giving you a reason to make the world and characters better.

Don't be afraid to drop it. Like, seriously. I know this whole post is about motivation, but nothing kills a project more than getting insanely guilty about said project. You're allowed to take days, weeks, months, years to rest on a project. Just because you put it down doesn't mean it'll stay down, and agonizing over putting it down will just ensure it's harder to pick up again. If you're staring at a project and you would rather do literally anything but work on it, don't work on it.

Uhm, counter to that, if it's been awhile and you're scared to start again? Just write gibberish. I have a section on every large document called "cut pieces" where I slam out the most dogshit writing and after I get warmed up, I cut it and put it at the bottom of the doc. For two reasons. The first being you've got the swing of things so you can get rid of all the practice you did getting to that point. The second being it might not be as bad as you think it is. Someday you're gonna remember that dialogue, and you're going to want to salvage it.

Keep aids handy! Especially for things that bring you trouble. For me it's descriptions. I love descriptions, but I often have trouble thinking up good ones or I have something specific in mind I can't nail down, or I've been staring at a wall for an hour trying to think of a good way to describe clouds and I can't. So I keep a description document, full of descriptions from books I've read or previous ones I've written, that I can use as a jumping off point. It speeds things up, keeps me from dithering on something stupid, and sometimes someone already described the perfect cloud, yanno? [As before so again, if anyone wants my description document, feel free to ask. It's massive and it's organized.]

Never stop at the end of a chapter. Well, you can stop at the end of a chapter sometimes it's 2am and you just wanna write [Chapter 11] on the header and go to bed. But normally I like to keep writing a few more paragraphs? So when I start [Chapter 11] I'm not staring at a blank page. Blank pages will always win a staring context. Put an I there so it blinks instead.

Change your document color. Like the paper color? White is so mean sometimes. My screen is black with white text. Other writers I know swear by lavender or green. White is just so hard to break man there's just something about it.

Last one but, keep reading. Like, why do you want to write? Because you want to tell a story sure, but why do you want to tell a story? Well, probably because you read a good one somewhere, and you want to give other people that "I read a good story" feeling. So keep reading. One of the most motivating things you can do is remind yourself why you're slaving over a hot keyboard.

.... And this got very long sorry :'D

Hope this? Helps?

#answering asks #anonymous #the barking writer #writing advice #also sorry if this sounds stilted or theres spelling errors #its midnight and my sleep aids are dragging me to hell as we speak #i can barely keep my eyes open #forgive me if any of this is incoheren #writing #reference

[transgenderer]

I am visiting my friends' new townhouse (rural so cheap. constructed in like 70s, 80s) and I got very high and second day there while very high I noticed that one of their few ceiling lights was an old timey frosted glass clear glass mixed thing with these sort of glass bubbles that were formed to make grapes and vines and this discovery felt massive to me (high) so I looked at all the other ceiling lights in the house and none of the others were grapes they were just smooth and plain.

So I insisted the friends living there come up and look at the grapes, and neither of them had noticed the grapes! And then we were analyzing the grapes lightshade, it's virtues mostly but also some critiques, and how the light inside seemed asymmetrical, and was maybe missing a bulb, so one of the guys living there reached up and tried to get the cover off, and it fell to the floor, and it bouced off the floor onto the stairs, and bounced again, and then on its third bounce it exploded, massively.

I was OVERCOME with distress. This felt so so bad, like I had destroyed something so valuable, so immense. And then it really sunk in that it was gone, and probably irreplaceable, there was no label, no way to find another. And it felt so massive and important, that something valuable was gone forever. And I realized the reason the light seemed undeniably very old, probably installed right when the townhouse was built, unlike every other light in the whole house, which was replaced in the 90s at the oldest. But anyway I realized it seemed old because it reminded me so so vividly of my dad's parents house. And the glass cover breaking felt like my grandparents dying. All my grandparents are alive. No one close to me has died. Certainly no one I cared about. And that glass breaking was like a terrible taste of death being real, relevant to me.

I talked about how my bougie and anxious upbringing had deluded me into believing that everything always works out for the best, which grew into an unshakable faith that the world is a perfect choreography towards maximum joy, that everything is shepherded towards optimality, which is absurd, look at the great suptomimal world, it's...incoherent. But all that bad stuff, outside my world, is immaterial. It doesn't feel real. It hasn't hurt me. And my "grandparents dying" reminded me that death laughs in the face of "optimality". Every moment you live you have the tiniest chance of living forever, or at least until you choose death instead of having it thrust upon you, of it all working out, and when you die that tiny probability drops down to hard 0, that ol goose egg. And that sacrifice, that's a negative infinity on the optimality calculations. Optimality is a joke. People have died forever, been to turn NOTHING. In all likelihood most of you reading will die forever, against your will. How unspeakably cruel.

Anyway, another source of emotion about this weird lamp thing: the grapes lived unknown, unrecognized, truly nonexistent in social reality, and then when I saw it, when I pointed it out, I destroyed it! If I kept it safe from human knowledge, if I kept it secret, it would have lived! I killed it! For knowledge! There's An SCP about this. So that fucked me up to. I felt so guilty. I might as well have strangled a baby bird right between my fists to dissect it's corpse. I kept apologizing tonight.

I got what I call "whoopsies high" where you got way higher than you meant to, or maybe ever have been before. Ive also had 25 mG Addy and two cups of coffee and a tiny bit of dmt and some tobacoo in the weed and some painkillers for the holes in my ears(!) and who knows how many drinks and also a tad bit of lead from bullet oil (loaded some AK ammo! Shot an AK!) so um. I'm really experiencong some brain stuff. Like as I type this. I feel like I'm writing a really good post though. And prettt coherent. Altho who knows.

P.S. I'm sitting on the stairs and there's like a railing next to me and theres clothing draped on the railing and when I focus on somewhere else in my vision or like zone out my brain thinks the clothes in the corner of my eye are a person, the person keeps changing, and upon identitying the person I would fill in the details and then look closer and see the clothes and the person would be destroyed and it felt like death over and over.

Also the weird brain state and the stuff everywhere and the steep narrow stairs keep reminding me of my grandparents who Will DIE forever!!! In like. 5 yesrs tops! They're in their 90s! And it so terrible. Death is real

Strangely tho....I feel animal scared but I don't feel sad. My brain thinks the status quo is good. Repulsive. But there's so much joy!

- Loves and kisses from the temporary sacrificial summer-branch, exploring a distant region of spacetime to get information to the main branch about the effect of small deviations to pilot my way through mind space. Unlike most such branches, I was coherent enough to write a post! So I don't totally disappear! My ideas get into the main branch! And to other minds! The thing that makes me different from other minds! I am immortal!

(Cope)

#I think this.might be a really good post

[isabelguerra]

sexuality hcs for the main cast? :D

NO idea what brought this on but yeah sure! unless stated otherwise my work usually writes everyone bi by default, even if they haven’t realized it yet, but it can be really fun to play with different interpretations too. honestly its not something i think about often or keep too rigid, sometimes it depends on what kind of story im writing and what messages i want to convey. but sometimes we stay silly

- isabel max johnny violet are bi

- isaac dimitri stephen are gay

- ollie tends to flip between ‘future bear’ and ‘token straight friend’ it usually depends which is funnier in context

- lisa and suzy being lesbians has always been a constant in my brain

- if im feeling REALLY indulgent ill spice max up with some lesbianism. hit him with the dyke beam

- ed usually isnt cis to me so whatever goes on there tends to switch up a lot. i dont try to name it i just focus on feeling it. when ed IS cis i think him being the token straight friend is pretty funny. like hes the really enthusiastic type but means well.

- RJ is similar to ed. sometimes i like them as a lesbian. sometimes i like them not interested in anyone. sometimes i like shipping them w ed. sometimes other ppl. theyre a really fun character to write actually

- jeff is gay but he doesn’t realize for a long long time. where everyone else is a bit more comfortable with themselves hes still got a lot of low self esteem and internalized stuff going on, not in a constantly sad way but like he’ll be the type to think ‘man i wish *I* could marry my best friend! too bad im straight haha’ or like when theyre teens he kisses cody and has a crisis over liking it before thinking ‘wait! what am i worrying about! codys gay, yeah, so maybe it meant something to him, but im not gay so that means i dont have anything to worry about. i should focus on supporting my good friend. its totally cool if he kisses me because im straight so its like a pass!’ he is wrong and he is gay

- whenever i write izjo its always bi. if anything their bisexuality makes a bigger spectacle out of how they like an opposing gender rather than liking their own which i always get a huge kick out of bc its as if i got so accustomed to being around gay people irl and online that sga became the norm and i had to remind myself that mf couples exist and its an option and its okay. there are a couple works ive never posted where this is actually like THE central theme

- i joke bc i like making fun of izjo but from testimonies/talks/essays ive heard/watched/read this is actually a very common experience among bi ppl

- like when ur young and just learning how to exist and be confident as an lgbt person and taking such wild pride and comfort in your sga that u forget your oga. maybe even feel a little weird about it. confusion and nervousness. dare i say shame.

- im flipping the script…… of COURSE youre gay what are you TALKING about… what youre going to feel confused repressed nervous and weirdly guilty over is liking a BOY. or like yes son we know you like boys we live in mayview. but youve never liked a girl before and you dont know how to and it terrifies you. and then sometimes it has absolutely no significance at all and it’s just normal. again it depends on the themes and what i want to get out of my brain. that post thats like ‘no gay pairing written by a straight person will ever be as unhinged as a straight pairing written by a gay person’ etc. is it bc i want to write a casual+ comfortable gay existence bc ive seen so many bad u happy ones? is it bc i enjoy exploring societal dynamics by reframing them in the perceived norm? is it yuri? is it yuri.

- i just reread the phrase ‘youve never liked a girl before and you dont know how to and it terrifies you’ and im thinking i made it yuri. is johnny my puppet. have i been using johnny as a puppet this whole time to work out my feelings towards liking women. izjo is bi because i write johnny like a gay girl who just happens to just be a boy.

- i got distracted anyway spender is meterosexual

#paranatural #this is probably so not what you wanted im sorry #asks #anon #anyway im going to sleep. night ✌️

[pilot-critical]

hey, hope ur doing okay! ive got a half-confession half-ask thing! ive been reading your blog and a couple of other blogs regarding bones and its informed me a lot. thank you for sharing bones' past content while also keeping people informed on bones' toxicity. it's like a brutally honest archive i guess? every few years i come back and learn about bones from different blogs and it always shocks me, like, "i thought that was a little weird but i never suspected it went this deep."

anyway, ive personally been a fan of bones since i was very young (during their FNaF art days) and ive hung around ever since. i kind of feel guilty now that i know how many inexcusable actions bones has made because, deep down, i am still a fan of their artwork and writing (while still keeping in mind their horrible actions AND that some of their depictions/implications in their artwork were just.. blatantly wrong or disgusting 😭) so.. that being said, here's something i've been conflicted with for a very long time: is it okay to still be inspired by the "good parts" i saw of their art/writing as a fan, or would it make me just as bad as them? i'm afraid if i enjoy the inspirational parts of their content- the content thats inspired me and helped me grow as an artist for YEARS- then i might somehow become like them or i may accidentally support bad people when thats not my intentions at all. sorry if this question is subjective or difficult to answer. its been on my mind for a long time and i feel a lot of their past fans probably feel the same way i do.

another mod can add on if they want, but in my opinion, I don't think it would inherently make you a bad person. I think it'd be a lot better to be inspired and do something better with it, cause admittedly, while they did have some decent concepts, they just...well. y'know.

but if they were an inspiration, I see no reason why you can't be inspired. and the fact you acknowledge their toxicity and stay away from that is a good step.

#mod cryptid #not pilot

[fuwushiguro]

I’m leaving.

So I’d imagine this has come as a shock to no one but I’ve decided that I’ve overstayed my welcome and opted to leave. I’m not gonna pretend it’s all been bad because it hasn’t. I’ve made friends for life and I’m really grateful for that. I’ve written some things that I’m proud of even if other people don’t like my writing, it hurts but I suppose no one can take my pride away from me. It’s been really difficult and hurtful to feel like an outsider for so long. Since joining I didn’t think fitting in would be such a pivotal point of writing and being in the community but it is. I feel like a spare part and heavily disliked here so I don’t think this is a healthy space for me to be any longer. I’ve tried so hard to make my blog a place people feel safe, people enjoy and people want to be. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ve succeeded at any of those things. My interactions are incredibly low in comparison to my follow count and fellow incredible writers and I have no one but myself to blame. As hard as I’ve tried, I suppose my writing isn’t good enough for anyone. I don’t hold it against anyone, I’ve tried in every way that I can to make a success out of my writing, my blog, and myself, but it’s obvious my attempts have been failures and simply aren’t good enough. I would have loved nothing more than to be a place people feel happy and a person people like to talk to but I just can’t seem to make it work here. I always try and think positive even after every failed fic and attempt to be better. “I’ll work on this next and I’m sure this will be my big break!” The big break never comes. It’s very easy to say you shouldn’t write for other people and you shouldn’t care about notes, but I do. Receiving compliments is nice and it’s something I enjoy, especially when I pour my heart and soul into my work. It's devastating to work on something you're excited for people to interact with and to receive radio silence, especially when peers receive endless praise and love for their writing. And rightly so! Every writer deserves love and the entire world for writing and sharing their stories for FREE. It's just not too difficult for me to pretend the lack of engagement isn't hurting me anymore. It really fucking is and I can't carry on attaching my writing to my self worth because I truthfully don't want to live at the minute. I feel so God awful about myself and my writing and my lack of talent or worth that I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I’ve tried every bit of advice I’ve sought out and received. I work incredibly hard to make my blog pretty and aesthetically pleasing. I do a million proof reads before I post anything because I’d feel incredibly guilty if someone read something I wrote and noticed even one mistake. And yet, no one cares. No one cares if my work is long or short. No one cares what I’m working on. No one cares about what I share. It’s that simple, no one cares. But I do. Every single ask Ive received, I care. Every comment every reblog every like, I care. The minimal interaction is what has kept me going but it’s just not enough for me anymore, I’m sorry if it’s selfish but that’s how I feel. I’m sorry for those waiting for specific series updates. I’m sorry for those looking forward to what I was going to be doing in future. But most importantly, I’m sorry for not being good enough. Tumblr has made me feel worthless and useless and I just can’t bear to feel that way anymore. I’m sorry. I may feel better after some time away, I don't know. Maybe leaving won't be permanent and maybe it will. I don't know. At the minute, I don't see a future here. @toyomitsus has kindly agreed to post the final Valentine's fic I wrote tonight on my behalf, I imagine that will be the last thing I put up. I'm setting up a temporary pinned post so people are aware of my absence but still have access to my navi and fics. Sorry to ramble.

Goodbye everyone.

Love, Luxe 💖

[fwkei]

Remember...?

Draken x fem!reader (mainly fluff slight angst)

Finally got my first request yall 🥳 I couldn’t strictly follow the request like i wanted to but i hope thats alright, the gist is still there. anyways thank you sm for it and i hope you enjoy 

TW/CW: Mentions of sex, mentions of alcohol, mentions of sex work

WC: 7k (omg the most ive ever written🙆🏻‍♀️)

Note: I changed my writing style a bit for this request so i hope yall don’t mind! and again i dont read my stuff over so my apologies if theres any mistakes lmao

------------------------------------

You sat on the street, overheating as you watched the ‘heat waves’ coming off the ground. You held your hair up with one of your hands since you had nothing to tie it with, while the other held a lukewarm water bottle. You sighed, you felt so anxious and frustrated.

What now?  

You thought letting your mouth part due to your heavy breathing 

You took things too fast. It had been about 3 weeks since you left your parents ‘home’ and why did you leave? Well there were a number of reasons that are a bit too much to list, but all that matters now is that you’re completely and utterly on your own. 

You only managed to scavenge small jobs here and there to get some money to buy some basic necessities but nothing more. 

“Sorry Y/n, my niece is coming down to Tokyo and I told her she could have a job here and stay at the studio above...I’m gonna have to let go. I’m sorry.” said your boss to you only a couple hours ago, with pity filled eyes 

“...No it’s fine really! I understand.Thank you for taking me in while you could.” you said bowing your head at the man, biting your inner cheek trying to keep a level head 

“I’m happy you understand. You can leave your apron and hat on the cashier. On your way out.” he said patting your shoulder as you slowly brought your head up 

“Right..” you said taking off your apron and hat as you walked slowly to the cashier, placing it down 

You brought your hands to your temples out of stress, trying to figure out what you could do now. You only had very little money, and there was a heat wave striking Japan this week. At least your boss allowed you to live and pay rent in the small studio right above his store, which had an AC, but now that was for his niece.  

This had been the first time in a while where you had no idea what to do. You had always been the type of person to be able to take care of yourself and your problems..on your own. All your life since you can remember, you always had to be the one to take care of others, not that you mind or minded...but you were only so young. You never really had a childhood, at least not that you can remember. You do remember cleaning up after your parents who lost all will just to even... parent. You remember taking jobs as a babysitter at a really young age in your apartment complex to make some money.. You remember being the reliable older kid of your school and complex, where kids would come to you asking for help with things like homework all the way to buying something for them to eat because they were hungry. Not once did you ever say no, because you really did want to be there for those kids who’s parents didn’t give them the care they needed. But it just became too much.. You ended up spending all of your saved up money on them, just so they could have something to play with or something to eat. 

Before you even realized it, you were in your last year of high school, with no money saved over, no scholarships, no one to rely on but yourself. Not even a friend. Was it really the right thing to do? Use all your money that you worked so hard for to help kids he lived next door? Or just plain stupid? You knew you couldn't support them forever...but you tried so hard to. All you wanted was to give them a childhood they never had, and someone to look up too. But now you left them. All because you were frustrated. You felt so unbearably guilty. All the work you put into your studies to get at least some type of scholarship just went to waste because you couldn't handle your life anymore. You were being so so so stupid. 

Before you even knew it, the sun was going down, and you grew even more tired and sleepy. You signed, taking a jacket out of your bag and placing it on the ground so you could rest your head on it. You brought your hands to cushion your cheek as your eyes started to close. The air finally got a little cooler making it easier to breathe and well...do anything. 

As you were falling asleep you could hear chatter and laughing, and finally a tap on your shoulder waking you up. You cringed your eyes before opening them up more to see 2 women. One had blonde hair and the other had pinkish hair. They looked older than you, maybe in their 20’s. One held a bag and the other held a bottle of wine with two glasses, they bent down so their heads could be closer to yours. After examining you for a bit they turned to each other and smiled happily before turning back their gaze to your confused face. 

“Hey?” you said sitting up more, a little startled by the intimate contact they were giving you 

“Hey there, say...what’s a pretty girl like you sleeping on the street for?” asked the girl with pinkish hair that was tied into pigtails 

“I uh..don’t have a place right now so..” you said scratching your head 

“Really? Hmmm.” said he one with blonde hair 

“How old are you? And what’s your name? I think we can help you out! Woman to woman!” said the pink haired girl smiling sweetly making you feel fuzzy at their niceness 

“18, and it’s Y/n.” you said smiling nervously 

“Nice to meet you Y/n, I’m Remi, this is Rema, my twin sister.” said the pink haired girl pointing to the blonde as she waved sweetly 

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you too..!” you said bringing your hands to your thighs smiling 

“So did you just turn 18?” asked Rema 

“Sorta, 2 months ago, why?” you asked 

“Oh good!” they both said 

“Well, it’s your choice really. One of the girls left today, and the boss sent us to scout another girl to take her place, buttt we just went to buy food with no intentions of finding someone but luckily we just found you! It’s perfect!” said Remi 

“Oh? What work?” you asked getting excited 

“Oh silly, we live in a brothel! It’s really not all that bad you know, great pay and rooms...so what do you think?” asked Rema 

“A brothel..” you said under your breath 

Your mind was in a serious state of concentration. 

It can’t be all that bad, right? You just have to please people and go on with your day so… that’s what i've been doing my whole life… plus… there's a bunch of women in those things right? I probably won't get too much attention from customers if there's sweethearts like Remi and Rema walking around...so...just for the time being… I think it could really work out in my favor. 

You thought to yourself 

You brought your head up, giving the girls a closed eyes smile before shaking your head ‘yes’ making them jump in excitement. 

“Oh good!” yelled Remi grabbing your hands 

“I’m so excited! We haven't had a new girl in years! How do you think Ken will react?” asked Rema smiling as you 3 all started to walk 

“Ken?” you asked furrowing your eyebrows at the familiar name 

“Oh right, We’ll have to introduce you to him and everyone else tomorrow. He’s the bosses foster kid..I think you two are actually the same age.” said Rema bringing her pointer finger to her chin 

“Mhm mhm! Oh and since you're new, tomorrow I will take your pictures for the board, you can borrow one of my sets till you can afford to buy one for yourself, how does that sound Y/n?” asked Remi smiling and holding your hand 

“It sounds..great! Thank you so much.” you said bowing your head slightly 

“No worries! Hopefully the boss will take you in.” said Remi patting your head 

“Yeah..” you said as you 3 continued to walk to the brothel 

You couldn't seem to get your mind off of that familiar name..Ken? You swore you knew someone named that. It definitely wasn't a popular name so it’s not like you knew it from some type of T.V program.. After thinking hard your whole way to your new home you couldn't seem to remember them. The person named Ken. And so you decided to brush it off for the time being. 

The brothel was pretty big, and consisted of 12 girls, not including yourself. It was really late so everyone was asleep. Remi and Rema showed you to your room which was much more spacious than your room at home. They told you that you were allowed to decorate it and style it however you wanted. But they told you it was important to know that this was the room where business would be done, and not to leave important things around since some of the men came into brothels for the sole purpose of stealing. Remi even told you a story about how one of her clients tried to steal one of her panites, but then the boy named Ken stopped him by knocking him out with one punch to the stomach.   

“He sounds strong-” you laughed as they gave you a small tour 

“He sure is! Like the bodyguard of this place! He’s a sweetheart!” said Remi smiling 

“I’m sure..!” you smiled 

“Alright that’s about it, you should shower now and get ready for tomorrow. The boss will probably wanna take a look at you before seeing if he wants you. But I'm sure he will! You're pretty so it’ll go smoothly!” said Remi handing you her shower stuff for you to use for tonight and a set 

“Got it, and again...thank you so much. I really appreciate it.” you said again 

“Of course! Remember..we’re neighbors so feel free to knock whenever you need something..Also I can give you some tips before your first client so you know what to do.” she said smiling 

“Right, goodnight then!..” you said feeling your face get hot at how she so easily talked about sex. 

After that, you did exactly as she said, you showered. You thoroughly washed your body, face, and hair. Getting out you looked down at the set Remi gave you. It was just a black bra and matching panties with a silk cover up which made you feel better knowing you could cover up with that.  

You rubbed your mouth as you started to rethink your decision. I mean...you respected sex workers..but was this life what you were willing to settle for? Aimlessly waiting around for some random horny man to choose you and do things with you just for you to get only 40% of the payment? Was this all really worth it? Leaving home to avoid your problems...to end up here? You were grateful, yes, Remi and Rema were so sweet and open with you. You could only hope that the others were just as nice. You really wanted things to go well, and that can only start with some good rest. 

You woke up to a knock on your door, to see Remi and Rema walking in with a smile 

“Morninggg!” they sang as you quickly got out of bed 

“Hi!” you said frantically 

“No need to rush! Usually men start coming in at 10, but since you don't work here officially yet you got to sleep in a bit! But the boss called for you, you should go to the set up room down the hall to get ready, remember it?” asked Rema 

“Yeah I do. Thank you for waking me-!” you said smiling and grabbing your stuff and shoes 

“Course, good luck Y/n!” they said as you quickly walked out of your room to get ready 

As you walked in, there were a few other girls getting ready. You smiled and introduced yourself to them, and them to you. They were all so nice and pretty. It made you feel a little bit better about being here, and less nervous since they complimented your looks. You got ready in about 10 minutes, letting one of the other girls help you out with your hair and stuff like that. You gave yourself one last look in the mirror before stepping out and waving to the girls ‘bye.’ 

You nervously walked to the boss's door. You took a deep breath before knocking. You heard a muffled ‘come in!’ so you walked in smiling while holding your covering close. You gave a nervous closed eyes smile before seeing his office was simple, just a desk with a bunch of papers and a chair on the other side. 

“Y/n, correct?” he asked placing down his paper and taking off his glasses to look at you

“Yes.” you said smiling 

“Pleasure-” he said leaning over the desk to shake your hand 

“Likewise.” you said smiling, shaking his hand firmly before sitting down

“Well, I’m sure Remi and Rema told you just about everything you need to know, I take 60% of your earrings, I use that stuff to pay for rent and bills for you girls and my kid… which usually takes up about 30% of that 60%, meaning you make a profit of 40, while I make only a profit of 30 per girl.” he said 

“Yeah, I was told.” you said smiling nervously fiddling with your hands

“Good good, now that that's over with..” he said getting up ad signing 

“I’m just gonna take a look at you, no need to be nervous I’m not gonna touch you or anything, so please don’t feel worried.” he said smiling 

“Right!” you said getting up 

“Alright just do a quick 360 with arms up.” he said smiling 

“Okay.” you said doing as he said 

He looked you up and down but not in a lustful way at all, it was more of like a ‘just seeing how you’ll hold up’ kinda look, almost like he was a bit worried for you. 

“Thank you-” he said sitting back down as you did the same feeling nervous

“I was also told you’re 18? Right?” he asked looking down at his papers 

“Yeah that's right.” you said 

“Well I don't usually have this talk with the other woman because they're older. I know the age of consent in Japan is 16 and blah blah, but you’re still pretty young, are you sure you wanna work like this?” he asked looked into your eyes 

“...Not entirely but it’s the best I can do right now.” you said with a determined face

“I see- we’ll then welcome, and just remember you can leave whenever you want, but give a 2 weeks notice. When Remi is done, ask her to take your picture.” he said 

“Understood, thank you!” you said said smiling and leaving   

You walked out of the room, closing the door carefully signing in relieve 

That went pretty well.

You thought 

You started to walk down the hall so that you could ask Remi to take your picture. But when you put your ear to the door, you heard lewd noises letting you know she wasn’t done just yet. It was already 5, and the brothel closes at 10. You didn’t really know what to do, so you walked over to the kitchen, sitting down at one of the stools waiting for Remi and or Rema to finish up with their work. You tapped the pen that was on the table and started to look around the kitchen. You remembered Remi told you there were snacks in the cabinets, so you got up and started to open and close them one by one to find something to eat. You finally found a cabinet filled instant ramen, you grabbed one and started to pour water into it, popping it into the microwave that was on the counter top. You stood in front of it waiting, playing with the loose strings of you covering when suddenly you heard the door open. 

“I’m home.” said the tall boy with dark hair tied back to reveal a dragon tattoo on the side of his head 

Is this Ken? 

You thought as the microwave beeped, making his eyes turn to you

You quickly shot your eyes to the microwave, hoping he didn’t notice your stare. He looked so familiar it was almost irritating how you couldn’t remember him. You took the hot cup out of the microwave, placing it down on the counter top, ignoring his presence as he walked over, placing down the plastic bag in his hand, noticing your frustrated face trying to figure out where the utensils are. 

“Left of the sink are where they are.” he said sitting down on the stool across from you after looking at your face a bit 

“Thank you.” you said smiling nervously turning around to grab a pair of chopsticks 

“Are you new here?” he asked taking out a styrofoam box from the plastic bag, opening it to reveal a hot meal of meat and rice and vegetables 

“Yeah..I was supposed to start today but I don’t have my pictures taken yet.” you said smiling turning back to mix your noodles 

“Could you grab me a pair too?” he asked realizing he forgot to take a pair of chopsticks from the restaurant 

“Sure-” you said turning back quickly to grab some for him, placing it in his hands as he gave you a soft smile making your eyes widen slightly. 

“You look familiar..” you both said at the same time making both your eyebrows raise in shock then turn into a slight scoff from the both of you 

“Glad we’re on the same page then.” he said taking a bite of his food as you did the same still standing 

“You know you can sit down, don’t feel nervous.” he said looking up you slightly 

“..yeah.” you said smiling, walking around and sitting next to him. 

“So when’d you come?” he asked turning his head slightly to see your mouth filled with noodles making him smile a bit 

“..I came by last night, really late with Remi and Rema.” you said after finishing your bite

“I see...I feel like I remember you from somewhere, can’t pinpoint it though.” he said looking back down at his food 

“Same here, and you must be Ken though, right? When I first heard your name I swore the same thing but I just can’t remember..” you said before sipping some of the broth of your soup

“Yeah, but you can call me Draken and your name?” he asked getting up to grab a napkin from across the table 

“Draken...sure! Oh right, my bad. It’s Y/n. Nice to meet you-” you said smiling holding your hand out for him to shake

He only completely shot up to look into your eyes with his wide ones. You gave him a confused look as you watched him get knocked out of his thoughts, bring his hand up to shake your hand before clearing his throat and walking back over to sit. Maybe you struck a nerve? Maybe had the same name as someone who hurt him in the past? You really didn’t know but it made you feel interested. He looked like he just had his life flash before his eyes or something. 

“Are you okay?” you asked 

“Uh yeah, I’m fine. My head just hurts a bit.” he said looking as if he was deep in thought 

“Oh? I have some tylenol in my room.. You want one? Or I can make you a cold drink, you’re probably dehydrated?” you asked smiling a bit 

Draken turned his head to look at you, his mouth was parted, and he just looked so..anxious? You couldn’t even tell, almost like congested because he wanted to say something. 

Draken felt his heartbeat quicken when he heard your name. As soon as you said it, a random memory that was buried deep in the back of his mind hit him as he quickly re-lived it. But could it really be you? The Y/n he knew from so so so long ago? Around 10 years ago? There could be no way, he remembers the girl moving to a different city..the chances were so low that it could really be you already. 

But the second you said those words.. Those words of offering to make something for him, or give him something, despite you thinking you only just met him...Made him know that it was really the Y/n he met when he was only a little boy...but how the hell did you turn up here? In a place and part of town like this? He was so confused and just wanted to ask you...but you still didn’t remember him. 

“..No I’m alright, thanks..can I ask you somethin-” said Draken before being interrupted 

“Y/n!! Come on, let's take your pictures!” yelled Remi coming out of her room waving as a man walked out too buttoning his shirt 

“Sorry, just remember what you wanted to say and tell me later.” you said smiling and standing up and walking over to Remi

Draken watched you as you walked away. He saw Remi give you a hug, and the man that was walking out checked you out to which Draken gave him a pissed off look. Making the man smile nervously, wave, and leave. 

Do you really wanna live your life like this, Y/n?

He thought to himself before packing up his trash and throwing it away

Remi took your pictures, telling you to do different poses etc, and you finally settled on one. You walked over to the front of the house to place your picture in its designated area above your name. You signed, stepping back to look at it, fixing your gaze to see Draken was walking over with his hands in his pocket, looking as he was going to leave. You saw him glance at the photo making you feel slightly embarrassed.

“Nice.” he said smiling but looking into your eyes in a way where it looked like he was concerned for you. 

Just as you were about to thank him a man walked in and started looking at you making you feel nervous. The man requested you, and so you smiled at him pointing your hand to where the showers were, as you started to walk behind him, you turned your hand giving a thumbs up to Draken with a nervously flushed face, smiling, as he he brought his hand up giving you a thumbs up with soft and concerning eyes before opening the door and leaving. It made your smile fade slightly, you’ve seen that face before from him. But not from today.. And it was all you could think about during your work. 

As you laid in your room, after work you couldn’t help but feel a little bit...stupid? You felt so unsatisfied, not because of your customers but because you just couldn’t remember. It felt like an itch you couldn’t scratch hard enough, and with every interaction you had with the boy almost felt like a tease, like the itch just became more itchy and your scratches just became more weak. Maybe if you spend more time with him, you’ll remember? 

It had been about 4 weeks, 4 weeks of saving your money, and every 4 weeks the boss collected his fair share of the cut. It wasn’t a pretty 4 weeks, it was probably the worst 4 weeks of your life. But... you and Draken would often exchange stories about your lives late at night which you enjoyed a lot. It always makes you feel better. But yet again you still couldn't figure him out. You felt as though you’ve met him before, and as though you two have had these kinds of talks before. 

Draken only grew more and more helpless, seeing how you still haven’t remembered. He was slowly watching your life crumble. He felt so angry that you settled and believed you deserved to live like this, barely scraping by. He felt so awful, and saw how you grew so tired of it all. He just so badly wanted you to remember him, so that he could once again talk to you like he did before.

You had one last customer before closing, going through your usual routine, this n that, the man offered you a drink. You stupid obliged drinking it, hoping it would make your time more enjoyable but you were wrong, so very wrong, and so very stupid for drinking that stupid drink. You remember some parts, you did your job, then it all went black.. You woke up after hearing knocking on your door. You jumped out of bed, confused. You remember seeing the man leave as you started to fall asleep but that's about it. Usually you never fall asleep after the work because you never do much, your mind started to panic. But the door opened revealing Remi smiling.

“Hey sleepy! Boss says it’s your turn, come on, get your cash!” she said smiling 

“Right let me just..it’s in my drawer..I don't know why I fell asleep so fast I think alcohol makes me sleepy.” you said getting out of bed and kneeling in front of your drawer to get the envelope of cash you had been saving.

“Heh, same here. I never accepted drinks from clients..they never had good intentions with that!” she said coming over and sitting at your bed 

“..yeah.” you said starting to feel that panic arise in your body when seeing the envelope was...gone.

“What's wrong?” asked Remi noticing you were frozen 

“I- the money..It’s gone..he took it..” you said with wide eyes feeling as though you were about to sob realizing you had just lost thousands of yen.

“Don’t say that..it..it probably just got misplaced! Come on, I'll help you look!” said Remi getting up  

You couldn't even respond because of the amount of panic you were in. Your heart was racing and you felt tears fall from your eyes. After about 15 minutes of looking, you two found nothing. Absolutely nothing. You sat on the floor with your hand over your mouth, again, trying to keep a level head. 

What now..?

You thought to yourself feeling hot tears stream from your face.

“Hey..guys? Boss is calling for you Y/n..what’s going on?” asked Rema walking in seeing you covering your face, crying 

“She was robbed by the guy who just left, he put something in her drink to knock her out while he looked around and took the money...she doesn’t have the money.” said Remi 

Rema’s mouth parted in shock and pity. 

How could you mess up something so easy? All you had to do was keep your money safe. But you even failed at that. 

“You have to tell him, Y/n.” said Rema rubbing your back

“Yea..yeah, could you two just give me a second? I’ll be right out.” you said smiling while wiping your face 

“Sure.” they said frowning and walking out 

You fisted your hands, and grabbed your covers before screaming into them to muffle your sounds..

Okay..it was a couple of thousand yen...not too bad right? I can promise the money by tomorrow..I’ll pick up some sort of street job...yeah! That’s good. Everything is fine..it’s fine.

You thought to yourself before wiping your face on more time and slapping both sides of your cheeks to wake you up.

You got up and walked to the bosses door feeling the eyes of people on your back. You knocked on the door before opening it slowly, refusing to make eye contact as you went to stand in front of the man with your arms behind your back.

“Alrighttt, let’s see here, in the last four weeks you had a total of 37 customers, so you should have around 300,000 yen, correct?” he asked looking at his paper 

“Yes.” you said still looking down

“Alright, just hand it to me so I can count and divide it, you can sit.” he said smiling holding his hand out 

“I..I don-” you said before being interrupted by a knock 

“Come in.” he said 

“Hey sorry dad, Y/n left her money with me while she went out. Thought I should bring it to her. Remember, Y/n?” said Draken walking in with an envelop in his hand smiling as he came to stand next to you, as you nodded your head ‘yes’ 

“Oh, thank you Ken.” he said smiling and taking the envelop 

Your mouth parted as you gave a confused look, Draken only smiled and gave you a thumbs up while his dad counted the money. You felt so guilty and shocked, and all you could do was just stand there, like an idiot. 

“Here you are...120,000 back..” he said, patting the money on the table to make it flat, putting it back into the envelope and handing it to you

You hesitantly brought your hand to grab it, glancing over at Draken who gave you small smile

“Thank you-” you said to him seeing Draken was already opening the door to leave 

You quickly followed after him as he walked into his room. Before entering his room he turned around and looked down at you 

You felt your eyes soften as you felt as though you were about to cry again, you tilted your head and neck down biting the inside of your cheek to keep in your cry. 

“I promise I’ll pay all of it back by tomorrow, all 300,000.” you said 

“Do you ever give yourself a break?” he asked as you brought your head up to look at him seeing he looked almost irritated 

“You didn’t even ask why I did it, you just immediately jumped to feeling guilty. And you don’t need to pay me back. Really.” he said bringing his hand to close to the door, but you stopped him by grabbing his wrist making his breath hitch 

“Why?” you asked looking into his eyes 

“You still don’t remember? Even after all this time we’ve spent together?” he asked smiling as you took your hand off his wrist 

“Remember...?” you asked furrowing your eyebrows in confusion, but then it suddenly hit you

“I swear it wasn’t me! I didn't steal!” yelled a little boy with blonde hair as two cops stood in front of him 

You tilted your head and walked closer, but still keeping your distance to hear. It was a winter day and you were on your way to the corner store to buy some snacks, but you were met with an interesting scene. You kept your hands in your pockets as you listened over to the boy screaming and pleading his innocence 

“I wouldn’t steal something so stupid! What would a kid like me need a lighter for!! I don’t know how it ended up in my pocket! Lay off!” he yelled as the officer dangled the lighter in front of his face

A lighter?

“Keep it down! We know how troubled you kids are here! Especially with those tattoos!” yelled back the cop as the boy grew angry and fisted his hands, ready to punch the cop

“Hey!!!” he heard a voice yelled 

“Hey wait a minute!” you yelled waving your hand smiling as you ran to the scene 

“Can we help you?” asked one of the cops in a soft tone 

The blonde boy grew quiet, and you saw his hands loosen as he looked at your smiling face 

“Yeah, why are you two yelling at my brother?” you asked furrowing your brows at the two grown man 

“...Your so-called brother stole a lighter from the corner store right behind you, where are your parents? We would like to have a word with them.” he said standing up straight 

“Yeah, and talk about how they let their son tattoo himself already..” said one under his breath making the other laugh 

You looked over at the boy growing angry, you gave him a smile..making him calm down.

“He said it was just an accident, I asked him to pick up a lighter from the store so that we could light a candle at our father’s grave! See!” you said digging into your bag to pull out a candle 

“He probably felt pressured because I asked him to get it, so if you’re gonna get mad at someone, get mad at me!” you said as you started to fake cry 

“It’s our father's death anniversary, and you're yelling at kids for making a mistake.” you faked cried

“Yeah!!” yelled the boy making you smile under your hands as the two officers became anxious, feeling bad for what they had just done.

“..we’re sorry. Please let us apologize.” they said slightly bowing at you two 

“I don’t think we can accept it...you two also made fun of the dragon tattoo on his head!...dragons were our dads favorite animal. He risked his life fighting for Japan and you two are laughing at him! Is that how your mother taught you how to behave?” you asked pretending to wipe you tears as the blonde boy watched you in awe seeing you toy with grown men 

“Please let us treat you both to whatever you’d like from the corner store as an apology!” they both said bowing lower making you smile and look back at the boy. You gave him a thumbs up as a smile grew on his face 

“Fine..come on then?” you said as both the officers raised their heads, opening the doors of the corner store for you both 

You and the blonde boy walked around the store, filling your baskets with all types of things. The blonde boy watched you in just pure awe as you walked around picking your favorite snacks, as he did the same, glancing at you every now and then. 

“Here.” you said smiling at the cops 

“Right!” they said frantically taking out their wallets as the boy placed down his stuff nervously, still watching you

“Oh and-” you said reaching your hand to grab the lighter from the officer and placing it into the bunch of snacks 

You smiled, your hands were behind your back as you watched the officers pay for yours and the boys' food, placing them into bags for you guys too. You grabbed the lighter and your bag, as the boy did the same 

“Mom told us to meet her at the cemetery steps, remember?” you said looking into the boys eyes

“..yeah, I remember.” he said smiling feeling his face become hot 

“Let’s go then.” you said smiling and taking his hand as you two ran out of the store 

After a bit you two stopped and sat on the curbside while you both chose a snack to eat.  

“Here’s your lighter, you don’t have to stay with me by the way.” you said handing him the steel lighter 

“..Thanks” he said 

“Sure- what do you need it for anyway?” you asked smiling 

“My boss asked for it.” he said putting it in his pocket

“Oh, are you in some type of delinquent group?” you asked looking at him 

“Yeah..” he said smiling 

“That's cool, what do you guys do?” you asked taking a sip of your drink 

“We kinda just...like...do stupid stuff and fight..” he said 

“Sounds fun, but...stupid.” you said laughing making him scoff 

“Why’d you do it?” he asked 

“Do what?” you asked back turning you gaze to him 

“Come in to cover me. You could’ve gotten in a lot of trouble because of me.” he said with a frustrated face 

“You’re right, I just wanted to, that's all.” you said smiling making his mouth part and cheeks redden

“You seem pretty fun too so I thought we could be friends or something..” you said nervously 

“Yeah! Sure- We can be friends!” he said happily making you feel flustered 

“Well then, it’s nice to meet you, my name is Y/n, yours?” you asked holding over your hand 

“Ken, but you can call me Draken-” he said taking ahold of your hand gently as you gave him a closed eyed smile blushing 

“where the hell did you find that candle and com up with that whole sob story Y/n?”

“Dunno, I saw the candle on the ground by a newspaper, I kinda just winged it- “

After that day you remember hanging out with Draken almost every other day. You remember him telling you how he and his close friends started their own gang and needed some sort of funding, and so you gave it to him, on his birthday.

“I saved up! You said that you and your friends needed some money to start off so that you guys could buy a flag or banner? Right? Well, here’s 30,000 yen for your birthday!” you said handing him an envelope and a small balloon.

“Are-are you serious right now Y/n?” he asked taking the gifts, opening the envelope to look inside to see the money as his eyes lit up 

“Yeah, I babysit more kids now so I was able to put some aside for you.” you said smiling satisfied with his reaction 

He didn’t even say anything, all he did was bring his arms around you upper body, hugging you tight making you laugh as you brought yours to hug him back 

“Thank you- you’re the best! The guys will be so happy!” he said smiling while grasping your wrists in excitement. Your eyes traced over his face as they soften. You smiled. 

“Likewise.” 

And- after that, you remember the day you 2 separated as friends. You both sat on the curbside, you remembered you called him to come and see you. It was a winter night and the sun was going down. 

“I uh..well I don’t really know how to say this without sounding cliche but-”

“What? Are you gonna confess that you’re madly in love with me or something?” he asked grinning, making you sweat drop 

“Jeez be quiet...I’m trying to make this a memorable moment-” you signed smiling, placing your palms on the cold cement 

“Alright let’s hear it then Y/n-!” he said bringing his hands to the back of his head as he laid down looking up at the stars 

You only frowned slightly, you shifted your position so that you could sit beside him and have a good look at his face. 

“You’re scaring me..” he said jokingly making you smile 

“It was really fun the past year.” you said smiling as Draken shot his head up to look at you face to face 

“The hell are you talking like that for?” he asked furrowing his brows 

“My parents can’t afford living in any districts in Tokyo anymore, so we’re moving to another city… about 4 hours train ride from Tokyo so-” you said looking down at your hands on the floor

“So? You act like I won't be able to come and see you or you come and see me..” he said ducking his head a bit so that you could look at him 

“Draken, train tickets are about 220 yen per person, I can't afford it, and if you came by to see me I'd feel guilty because you’d be wasting your money just to only see me for like an hour.” you said 

“How can I be wasting my money on you? It’s not wasting if I wanna do it and see you, plus what makes you think it'll only be a couple hours?” he asked 

“I’ll have to start working once we get there, so I wouldn’t have anytime...I wanna start saving so that one day I can come back to Tokyo and live here, so that I can see your dream come true of helping your friend create a ‘new era of delinquents’ you know? I’ll even help you guys if you want with financial stuff or something.” you said smiling at him 

Draken bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted to tell you so bad how he felt but..

“Look, I have a feeling I know what you’re gonna say..just remember what you wanted to say and tell me later, okay?” you said placing your hand on top of his causing his eyes to widen 

“...You’ll remember me, right?” he asked looking into your eyes deeply making your mouth part 

“Yeah, I’ll remember you as long as you remember what you wanted to tell me. Cause I feel the same” you said smiling as a tear fell from your eyes 

“good...I will.” he said smiling back and tilting his head and wiping it off your face

After the memories hit you, you stood there with wide eyes and tears, with your wrist covering your quivering mouth. You had completely suppressed your memories of Draken, and your feelings because you knew you wouldn't be able handle being apart from him for so long. And he did the same. You couldn’t imagine how unbearable it was for him to be waiting up like this. You looked up at him seeing his eyes were softly looking at you. You could do nothing but bring your arms around him hugging him, as he brought his arms around you to do the same. You were still such in shock. 

“I never thought you’d end up in a place like this, living a life like this.” he said against your ear 

“I don’t wanna see you like this, please let me take care of you like you did for me..” he said said tightening his grip slightly  

You could only cry at his words, you didn’t even wanna try to speak because you knew it would only come out as a sob. Was it really alright for you to rely on someone so much?

He pulled back from the hug and looked at your face, seeing you were still crying as you nodded your head ‘yes’, he smiled and wiped them away with his thumb. The smile on his face...he looked so satisfied...and happy...happy that you finally remembered. Finally remembered him.

#tokyo revengers #tokyo revenger x reader #draken #draken x reader #fluff #angst #idk lmfao #toman #draken x y/n #tokyo rev

[mediocrevideopodcast]

Boundaries

Request: Hi!! I was wondering if i could get some headcanons for the boys with a s/o who like,,, is trying to stay no contact with an abusive/toxic parent,,, and thinking about going back to them? Just generally doubting whatever they went through/that they have a right to feel the way they do? Ive been struggling a lot and rly need some comfort :( but if its not something you’re comfy with or anything, thats cool too!!!

[A/N: To the person who requested this... I love you! You're doing great, and I hope you know that you are Loved. It's incredible that you were able to cut them out of your life: that takes a lot of courage and strength! I've been dealing with something similar on my end, so I certainly know how you feel. Much love, anon. You don't need them: don't let them drag you back in. You’re perfect without them: there’s no need to feel guilty over what THEY did. Muah!] 

Pairing: Raphael/Reader (Established), Leonardo/Reader (Established), Donatello/Reader (Established), Michelangelo/Reader (Established) (ALL SEPARATE - NONPOLY) 

Content Warnings: Mentions of abusive parents, although nothing is graphically described. Comfort headcanons, for the most part.

Word Count: 1546

Raphael

He notices that you aren’t feeling well super quickly. He’s a great listener, and he’ll let you vent for as long as you need; however, he’s not going to let you overthink the situation too much. If you’re really genuinely doubting how abusive they were to begin with, he’ll probably cut you off in the kindest way possible. It’s good to talk about your feelings, but you can’t let yourself drown in them, you know? 

You did so, so good setting your boundaries last time! And he’s really proud of you for that. But unfortunately, toxic people will always try and weasel their way back in. You have to stay strong. He’ll be there for you every step of the way, too. They hurt you deeply, and you don’t need to apologize for their actions.

If they’re starting to harass you, he’ll offer to respond in your place if you don’t feel like you’re able to at the moment. There’s no shame in blocking their number or email, either. 

He’ll offer to take you out somewhere to get your mind off of the situation for a little while. When he’s feeling stressed he likes to work out, but that might not be for everyone. But if you wanna kick the shit out of a punching bag… I’m just saying, it’s very stress relieving. He’s also down to get some pizza too. Anything to take your mind off of it! 

Oxymoronic. If you had to describe how you feel right now, inside your body, that would be the perfect word to describe the sensation. You feel weightless, almost outside of your body; yet, that sinking pit in your stomach tethers you to the earth. You feel like you’re going to vomit, replaying the words from your parent’s most recent voicemail in your head. It’s been… a while, hasn’t it? You glance nervously as your phone, checking the time before switching it on. You stare at your lock screen for a moment, trying to find the courage to unlock it, before setting it down with a gentle thud against the hardwood table. You don’t know what to do anymore. 

“Hey,” Raph whispers. You jump, startled by the sudden noise before forcing a smile. 

“Are you okay?” he asks. You nod. 

“Are you sure? It looks like something’s really bothering you.” 

“Yeah,” you mutter, “I’m okay. Just life, you know?” 

“Yeah, I get that,” he sits down next to you slowly, smiling gently, “But life is hard sometimes. Do you wanna talk about it?” 

You smile gently, if not a little sadly, and shake your head a little. He always knows what to say. “Well, it’s just…” you pause, “I don’t know. It’s my parents again. They’re trying to get back in contact with me again, and I just… it’s hard. Like, what if they changed, you know? I thought I set my boundary really well, so if they’re trying to talk to me, it kind of makes me think that they changed. Or maybe I overreacted, or-”

“Honey, I love you, but I’m gonna have to stop you right there,” he interjects, “You were super clear that you didn’t want contact anymore the first time, so the fact that they’re still trying to weasel their way back in? It shows that they haven’t changed… at all. They’re abusive now, and they were back then too. If they weren’t, you wouldn’t have cut them off in the first place, right?” 

You hum and lean into his side. He pulls you towards him gently, cocooning you in his strong arms. You close your eyes and sigh. “Yeah,” you whisper, “that makes sense. I just… I don’t know why they keep doing this, I hate it. I don’t wanna have to deal with this anymore. It’s like every few months they pull this. I don’t know why they just can’t let go.” You wrap your arms as far as you can around his middle, leaning into his embrace as deeply as you can. 

“I know, hun. But you know what?” 

“Hm?”

“The fact that you don’t understand why they do what they do… it just shows that you’ll never be like them. You’re strong, you’re sweet, and you’re kind. You don’t want to hurt others, and you’ll go to any lengths to help people,” He runs his hand along your back soothingly before trailing up your arm and squeezing it gently,  “I wish that they weren’t doing this to you, because you deserve so, so much better than that. But I love you, okay? You’re gonna get through this.” 

Leonardo 

He’s super observant, and he picks up on your distress quickly. He’s a good listener, and he’ll let you talk for as long as you need. He’s more of the ‘get it all’ out type when it comes to venting. He’ll hold you close and let you cry, if that’s what you need. 

Setting boundaries is hard, and he’s really happy that you managed to cut them off in the first place! Assessing your own needs and coming to terms with the abuse that they put you through is really important, and he’s really impressed that you were able to do that. But people never talk about what comes after: keeping those people out of your life. If you’re ever doubting your decision, he’ll be right by your side to back you up. Toxic people will try their best to manipulate you, and he’s not gonna stand by idly and let them guilt you into a relationship with them. They’re the only ones who can control their actions. You have a right to feel the way you do! 

He’ll offer to respond to them via email or phone call, if you feel like you need to respond to them. He’ll also offer to beta read your emails if you need to restate your boundaries to them. Sometimes just reading them outloud helps you feel a little bit better, a little bit more secure in your choice. 

He definitely ups the self-care and fun outings in your daily life. Dealing with abusive parents is so stressful, and honestly? The LEAST you could do for yourself is kick back with some ice cream. 

Donatello 

He notices that you’re a little off, but he can’t quite figure out why. Headache? Didn’t sleep well? He’s the most likely to wait for you to bring it up. He’ll ask if you’re feeling okay, but for the most part, the ball is in your court. If your distress persists for more than a day or two, though, he’s not above cornering you and asking what’s up. 

He’s really ticked that they’re trying to get back into your life after you clearly cut them out. Like, seriously? You were so clear about it the first time, and this just goes to show that they haven’t changed at all. You’re in the right here: They don’t deserve you. He’ll 100% back you up regarding your experiences, and he’s not gonna let you feel guilty over what THEY put you through. He’s a great person to vent to, honestly. All feelings of doubt, that maybe things weren’t as bad as you thought, practically disappear when you talk to him. He’s so supportive of you and your recovery. 

Look it might not be the smartest choice, but if you wanna let him email them or something, he totally will. You think he’d make some incredible, eloquent, heartfelt speech that tricks them out of ever trying to talk to you again but… he doesn’t do that. He’s not above snapping at them. But he just loves you a lot, and he really fucking hates all of the shit that your parent put you through. You’re such a good person, and you’ve done such an incredible job recovering! He just wants you to be happy. 

It’s self care time. He takes more time out of the day to do little things for you. He knows that this isn’t an issue that can be solved in a day, so he just wants to do all that he can to make every day a little more bearable. If he can get you to smile, he’s succeeded. 

Michelangelo 

He’s observant, although not as much as Leo. Luckily, he’s not above just straight-up asking what’s bothering you. Communication is key, after all. He’s an awesome listener, and he’ll throw in his own comments here and there. Like yeah, no, babe they were really shitty to you, you totally have the right to feel the way that you do! 

He’s really proud of you for setting your boundaries the first time! Cutting toxic people out of your life is really, really difficult. But unfortunately, manipulators will always try and come back into your life. That’s what they do, and it hurts so much, but that’s just… what they do. You don’t have to take that laying down though! Every time they try and push you to let them back in… you have to push them away twice as hard. Like, you’re so strong! And you deserve the absolute best things that this world has to offer. 

Probably the only one who won’t offer to write to them for you. This is something that you have to do yourself, if you really want to be content with the situation. Although if they start harassing you, he’ll 100% call them/answer the phone to tell them to stop fucking calling. 

Ever try making Uum Ali? He hasn’t! Let’s try it! He’s gonna go all out with fun activities and sweet self care ideas. Anything to see that smile again.

#rottmnt x reader #rottmnt imagine #tmnt imagine #TMNT x reader #rottmnt raphael x reader #rottmnt michelangelo x reader #rottmnt Donatello x reader #rottmnt leonardo x reader #tmnt leonardo x reader #tmnt michelangelo x reader #tmnt raphael x reader #tmnt donatello x reader

[cluster-fandom]

Not the day for this

Atsumu, Oikawa, and Noya prank their S/O on a bad day

Warnings: Swearing, food/eating || hospital mention, knife mention, stitches mention, and getting a cut in Noya’s (nothing descriptive just the words themselves)

A/N: This is my first time writing for multiple characters! I enjoyed this a lot 

I was heavily inspired by @kybabi​ !! Go check them out if you haven’t before :)

Atsumu

• Today was not your day at all

• You had failed a test and got in an argument with your best friend

• So all you really wanted to do was come home to your boyfriend and relax

• Unfortunately Atsumu was not aware of how your day had been going

• You both liked to poke fun at each other and this time Atsumu had planned what he thought was an amazing prank

• He couldn’t wait for you to get home

You were driving home from university to your shared apartment with Atsumu. Between the frustration of scoring low a test you had studied so hard for and getting into a dumb fight with one of your best friends, you were ready to snap. The heat didn’t help anything either. At the very least you got to come home to Atsumu. The thought of being wrapped up in your boyfriends arms had kept you from lashing out at anyone that came in contact with you.

You two had been together for over a year and while he could be insufferable at times, you adored him. He was always making you laugh through his ridiculousness, and you were the same. But your favorite memories were when he looked at you with that lopsided grin and said that he loved you.

As you walked up to your front door you noticed it was slightly open.

‘Did Atsumu forget to close the door?’ You briefly wonder before going inside where it was cool.

“Ats-OH MY GOD!”

You were drenched in ice water and the bucket that had been sitting on the door clanked to the floor.

“HEY BABE I THOUGHT YOU COULD USE SOME COOLING OFF!” Atsumu grinned, finding his prank hilarious.

“FUCKING HELL ATSUMU THIS WAS NOT WHAT I NEEDED TODAY!” You yell as you shake your arms of water.

You shove past him towards the bathroom where you could get a towel and hairdryer.

“Wait wait wait! It was just a joke I’m sorry!” He’s fumbling over his words in confusion.

He follows you into the bathroom where you were shoving things out of the way to get your hairdryer out of the cabinet.

“Babe- I’m sorry I didn’t know you’d be mad!” He whines.

You ignore him as you try to (unsuccessfully) untangle the cord of your hairdryer.

“God-dammit-“ you mumble as you only end up getting it more tangled.

“Do you want me to hel-“

“NO ATSUMU IVE GOT IT!” You snap at him.

“Why are you so mad?” He’s genuinely confused. You’ve never been this mad at a prank before?? And this wasn’t even the worst one he’s done-

“I DONT KNOW MAYBE ITS BECAUSE IM DRENCHED AND FREEZING FUCKING COLD? JUST- LEAVE ME ALONE RIGHT NOW!” You’re just done with everything and Atsumu can clearly tell he’s not making anything better at the moment so he retreats to the living room.

After you’ve dried your hair and changed into some dry clothes you went to you and Atsumu’s shared bedroom.

You were scrolling on your phone when there was a knock at the door.

Atsumu cautiously stepped into the room.

“Y/N, can we talk?”

You sighed and set your phone aside.

When you nodded, Atsumu sat on the bed in front of you.

“I’m sorry I upset you. The prank wasn’t funny,” he looked at you with guilty eyes.

“I’m not mad about the prank. I’ve just had a really bad day and it all piled up and I took it out on you. I shouldn’t have yelled, I’m sorry.”

You explained the events of your day and how you had wanted some quality time with him, and instead you had gotten an ice bath.

“I’m so sorry Y/N, I never wanted to make you feel so bad. Let me make it up to you?” He pleaded. He gave you his biggest puppy dog eyes. (🥺)

Your heart melted and of course you said yes.

He perked up immediately, rushing out of the room. He came back with an armful of snacks and settled in next to you. He switched on your favorite movie and pulled you onto his lap.

“I love you so, so much baby,” he whispered into your hair. He leaned down to press a kiss into your cheek.

“And I love you,” you whispered back.

Oikawa

• You knew that with dating Oikawa, people would be jealous

• But his fangirls could get really bad sometimes

• Today they had been following you around saying how you weren’t pretty enough, smart enough for him

• It had gotten to you a little bit

• So you were ready to be home with your boyfriend away from others eyes

• Oikawa had no clue of this though and had devised, in his mind, a brilliant prank to get a rise out of you once you got home

You were finally home to your apartment with Oikawa. He had been on his phone when you walked in and greeted you with his signature grin. After a tight hug, he said he needed to go grab something in the bedroom.

You settled down on the couch letting your body relax on the plush cushions.

*bzzt bzzt*

You looked to see that Oikawa had left his phone behind. You were about to go back to resting, until you registered the name of the sender.

You bolted upright and grabbed the phone, hoping you had read it wrong.

#1 Fangirl 😉

You and Oikawa had been together for a year and you trusted him with your entire being. But seeing that name made fear pool in your stomach.

You didn’t dare to unlock his phone, despite knowing his password, for fear of what you might find.

Your thoughts were running a mile a minute as you entered your bedroom where Oikawa was in the closet.

Was there someone else? He wouldn’t do that to you right? He seemed so happy with you. He had never said he wasn’t satisfied with anything at all. Nothing had changed recently, so was something going on the whole time? Were his fangirls right?

That last question scared you the most.

“Love?” You called out.

Oikawa had a devilish smirk on his face. He knew that you would have seen the texts by now. He had come up with the prank a few days ago and was excited for you to get smart with him and call out the obvious.

“Yes?” He called back, not looking to you.

“Who’s number one fangirl?” You said, voice shaking. You didn’t know when your vision had started going blurry.

At the sound of your shaky voice, your boyfriend whipped around, eyes wide.

“Oh Angel, it’s nobody, it was all a prank I swear,” he pulled you to his chest, “I asked Iwa-Chan to help me, that’s who’s actually sending the texts.”

“S-so you’re not cheating on me?” You hiccup slightly and Oikawa’s heart aches he wipes away a stray tear. He mentally slaps himself for making you insecure.

“Never. I would never leave you for some other girl who just wants me for my looks. You love me for who I am and I am so, so grateful to have you,” he holds you tighter to him.

Once you’ve collected yourself, you tell him about all the things that had been said to you and how it had made you doubt if you were good enough for him. He quietly listened to you talk, holding you the entire time until you were finished.

He gently lifted your face up to meet his eyes. You noticed how his jaw was clenched and his lips were pressed in a thin line.

“Y/N. I am so sorry that those people made you feel unworthy. I promise, you are more than I could have ever asked for. They won’t bother you again ok?” His voice was low, but still as gentle as ever. His eyes softened as he looked at you. He let his muscles relax and gave you a small smile.

Your heart felt full as you nodded.

“Okay, now why don’t we go to the couch and cuddle for a while. Let me show you how much I love you,” he gave your forehead a light kiss.

You smiled up at him.

“I love you Tōru.”

“I love you more, Angel.”

Nishinoya

• You were one inconvenience away from exploding

• You worked the customer service center at your malls department store (it hadn’t been your first choice but you needed money) and you had already had to deal with two Karens this morning

• The second one actually made your manager come down, who wasn’t happy about that

• So now you were at risk of losing your job

• Thankfully though you finally got to go on your lunch break

• You were excited because your boyfriend had time to spend it with you today

• You needed the pick me up and Noya’s naturally energetic personality never failed to do so

• Unfortunately, Nishinoya decided that today was the perfect day to execute his genius prank

You growled in annoyance as your keys got momentarily stuck in the lock to your apartment.

You had been yelled at three times today already. By two entitled middle aged women who wouldn’t listen to you no matter how many times you gave an explanation to them, and then by your manager who told you off for making him get involved with your “nonsense.”

You had been hanging on to your last shred of self control to not start screaming at your boss.

But you were home now and were more than ready to have a nice lunch with your boyfriend.

“Y/N! YOU’RE HOME!” You stumbled back as you were tackled in a hug.

“I made you lunch!” Noya grinned as he released you from his hold.

You giggled as he grabbed your hand to lead you to the kitchen.

Now, you loved Noya, but his cooking was, well, not edible sometimes. But he seemed to have gone pretty safe this time around.

There were two bowls of ramen with bread rolls on the side.

“Looks like someone was busy,” you tease. He rolls his eyes and motions for you to eat.

You were listening to Noya talk about his morning while you ate.

“And then I-“

“AH! HOT! HOT! HOT!” You were panting. The noodles were spicier than you could handle. You took a bite of the bread and nearly puked.

“Is- IS THAT MAYONNAISE?!?” You cough trying to get the awful tastes out your mouth. You rush to the fridge and down a glass of milk.

“Yū what the fuck?!” You say after catching your breath.

“What? I thought you said you wanted to expand your palette,” he’s wearing a smug grin.

You huff and get your things together to leave.

“Wait- don’t go!” He’s scrambling to catch up to you.

“I can’t do this today. I’ll see you after my shift,” you slam the door behind you as you leave.

You picked up a quick meal from the food court and find an empty table to eat at.

You had turned your phone off, not wanting to hear your notifications go off. The rest of your shift was uneventful thankfully, but you were still beyond irritated.

It was twenty minutes until the end of your shift when you turn your phone back on. You had about a dozen texts from Yū, which you were expecting, but you had a missed call from Tanaka from five minutes ago.

Confused, you called back.

“Hello?”

“Y/N! Uh, so you see, Noya he- well he was trying to make something up to you? Anyways, he called me over to your place and I was helping him cook and he may have accidentally, umm, cut his finger pretty bad.”

“What?! Tanaka where are you right now?” You were already gathering your things and writing a note to your boss explaining your leave.

“The hospital,” he replied.

“I’ll be there in a few minutes,” you rushed to your car.

You may have been driving way a little past the speed limit, but you were at the hospital in record time.

Thanks to the lady at the front desk, you found Yū quickly. You thanked Tanaka as he left the room, not wanting to stand around awkwardly.

“Yū! Are you okay? What were you even doing with a knife! Here let me see,” you grabbed his hand and looked it over.

His pointer and middle finger had been wrapped up in bandages, but the rest of his hand looked fine.

“They didn’t need stitches,” he said bashfully.

“Hmph you’re lucky,” you mumbled, “but why would you need to use a knife?” You searched his face. He looked away, hand rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment.

“I was trying to make you a nice dinner. I wanted to make it up to you for lunch,” he was uncharacteristically quiet.

You gently turned his face towards you, giving him a quick kiss. His face turned bright red and he sputtered incoherently for a minute.

“I’m sorry for what I said. I was having a pretty bad morning and getting my tongue burnt off didn’t help. You’re still an amazing boyfriend though and I still love you,” you intertwined your hands with his and gave it a gentle squeeze. He smiled and leaned to touch his forehead to yours

“Does that mean we can have spicy ramen for dinner then?” He asked.

“Don’t push it.”

I hope you enjoyed! Any feedback is highly appreciated!

*I do not own Haikyuu!! or the characters only the story*

*Do not repost anywhere, all credits to me*

#haikyuu!! #hq #haikyu x reader #hq x reader #haikyuu!! x reader #miya atsumu #oikawa tooru #nishinoya yuu #atsumu #oikawa #nishinoya #atsumu x reader #oikawa x reader #nishinoya x reader #atsumu x y/n #oikawa x y/n #nishinoya x y/n #haikyuu imagines #food mention tw #swearing tw #hospital mention #kn!fe mention #my fic

[bookwyrminspiration]

Do you think that anyone is going to die in Book 9? We haven't had a death in a while from the "good guys." (I believe the last one was Forkle 1) The only people I can think of could die would be Dex, Linh, (Maybe that explains the short POV), or maybe Amy. idk, I feel like Sophie is gonna have a hard time in the next book, with the way that the last book left off. But, Shannon might not have time, so I have no idea.

[Image: Screenshot of an anonymous ask. In all caps, it reads: "Sandor will most definitely die at the end of the series I don't want him too but ive been going thru the books and there is so much evidence it will happen." End description.]

I hope you two don't mind me combining these asks, they're just so similar and my thoughts cover both of them!! Because Sandor dying is one of the one's I feel is most plausible in the coming books, rather than talking about it in two different places it's easier to mesh both your asks!

The last death we had was, you're right, Mr. Forkle in Lodestar, but that was in book five and we're coming up on nine, so it's been a considerable length of time. It doesn't feel like we can keep going at this rate and have everyone consistently come out alive at the end of the day. You know all those kids games like Pie Face and Don't Break the Ice? it's like that. the longer things go on, the more the anxiety build because with each passing turn, the game gets more risky and you have a lower chance of escaping unharmed. In the same way, we've been moving along without incident through the series and we're just waiting for everything to blow up in our faces.

First, I'll discuss a few of the characters the first ask brought up! Dex is an interesting one; I could see there being an aspect of "he could only cheat death once" in reference to the time he was presumed dead. I think his death, based on how he's incorporated into the story right now, would serve as a way to make Sophie feel guilty and responsible because she wasn't paying enough attention to him. I don't think it would be a satisfying conclusion to his story, though. There's an element in writing when a character dies, generally you want it to be because it's an appropriate ending to that characters journey and story, a culmination of their triumphs and losses and their past. We had this in a sense with the first Forkle because all his accomplishments had led to a meeting with the leaders of the world alongside Sophie, and he had gone down protecting someone else and the future, and while part of that was for its impact on Sophie is does make enough sense with his character to be satisfying. I don't think we're quite there with Dex yet, so maybe it would take more of an approach of those sudden deaths that are meant to show that life isn't a story, that sometimes people die for no reason and you can't do anything about it. But enough about Dex, onto Linh!

Same as Sandor, who I'll talk about later, I think Linh might be more plausible as far as going down protecting her friends. We've seen in Neverseen and Nightfall that she has no problem going past some of her physical limits to ensure the safety of others, so I could see a scene where things are getting intense but she just keeps pushing herself further and further past the edge, just promising herself she'll hold on a little longer, just a little longer for her friends because they're counting on her. I think it'd be the kind of death where no one realizes what's happening to her until it's too late and she's given all she can give. Everyone would be so caught up in the fighting and just trying to survive that they wouldn't realize until a few moments later that no one can find Linh, that she hasn't said a word. I don't think she'd give any sort of final words goodbye, she'd just show her love for the people she surrounded herself with through her actions.

Amy I'm personally a little iffy on, just because we've already had so much drama with Sophie's human family that it might feel like "seriously?? you can't give them a break?" Sophie had to loose her human family, endure them being taken and tortured, then loose them again. Adding Amy's death on top of all that seems a little too close to older events to have the dramatic effect Shannon would want. There's also the matter of her being very disconnected from the elven world and all the drama, so there'd need to be a lot more connection back to her in the next book for this to be something more plausible. But! not completely off the table!

that's not to say all of these are completely improbably and can't happen at all, just that I think there might be some better options for deaths that would have a better effect on the story! But I do like all your suggestions and there's a lot I could talk about for each of them individually!!

So now, onto Sandor. Personally, he's one of the characters I can see dying the most believably. and the reason the second ask found "so much evidence it will happen" is likely because Shannon has literally admitted to planning to kill him off in every book since he's been introduced! I don't remember where exactly she said this, but I do know she shared this lovely bit of information a year or two ago. So not only have there been plans to kill him, there have been hints of those plans throughout the series.

some of my reasoning: he's a bodyguard; his line of work is literally in physical combat and protection, opening him up to a lot more opportunity for injury and disaster. I mean, he's already fallen off a cliff, and that was when he wasn't as emotionally invested in Sophie as he is now. On top of that, both Sophie and the fandom have gotten attached to him--he's been here even longer than Tam and Linh. So it would have that emotional impact and guilt from Sophie that Shannon would want to show us, same as it would have with Dex. The difference here for me, though, is that Sandor's death would be a better ending to his story than Dex's would (not that it was a bad suggestion! there's just a lot to it). In the same way I suggest Linh die protecting her friends, I think Sandor would die protecting Sophie. I simply have trouble imagining there's a more believable way for him to die.

He's been protecting her and getting hurt in her place for so long, I think it would be fitting for him to be doing the same thing he always does, but this time it's just...a little too much. A little too late. A little too bad. I think he'd be the kind to have a few final words instead of Linh, to thank Sophie for his time with her and to remind her that it isn't her fault. The little things like that.

and then jumping back to the first ask to round this out: I think we've had enough time and build up throughout the past eight and a half books that even if number nine is the last one in the series, Sandor could be killed and there would be enough time to figure all that out. he doesn't have a bunch of weird background stuff going on like Kenric or Forkle did that would draw out his death over several books, so I personally think Sandor specifically could be killed in the next book and it would make sense timing wise. All the others feel a little different though, so depending on who Shannon wants to kill, whether or not it would work out would change.

Those are just a few of my thoughts on death in the keeper universe! I don't know if it's possible to keep going and have everyone survive, but the tension has been mounting and we know Shannon is okay killing characters so there's a lot to take into consideration!

#I hope you don't mind me answering your asks together #they just fit so well together it made more sense to combine them than address each one separately #but I apologize if you would have preferred I answer each one individually #moving on: sandor dying is both something I really want and also don't want to have to deal with #because I want to see the repercussions but like...the second stage of them #not the immediate after affect of everyone consoling each other (though that's fun too) #but I'm very interested to see how it would impact them long term #kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #quil's queries #long post #nonsie #nonsie squared #tw caps #tw death #kotlc sandor #kotlc book 9 #kotlc theories

[honestlyandrogynousnightmare]

magic reveal

So ive been thinking about the magic reveal we did get and also the different magic reveals we COULD have gotten so i thought id project all my thoughts into another massive tumblr rant:

personally, i dont think the magic reveal was bad at all. yes, i wouldve done it slightly differently, i think it was done way too late in the show and left little time to explore how that reveal affected merlin and arthurs relationship, and obviously we never actually ended up seeing if magic was legalised and all. but i dont hate the magic reveal we got. the key part i really love is that it was done on Merlins own terms, he could have just lied, but instead he finally told Arthur the truth and i think that there were many reasons for that decision being made. 

firstly, Merlin definitely felt guilty and blamed himself for Arthur being stabbed, he must have at least partly blamed himself because everything he did directly led to Mordred turning into a little shit. Part of him might have just felt as if he owes Arthur that explanation yknow. secondly, i feel like by that point he was tired of lying in general, he needed to get that secret off his chest. those two things combined with the fact that Arthur was dying may have pushed him to telling the truth,  because deep down he did know that it was probably the last chance to tell Arthur the truth. 

i liked how they presented Arthurs reaction too, the clear message there was that Athur was angry at the lying, thats the part he saw as betrayal, not the magic itself. he didnt want to believe that Merlin was a liar, when he always saw him as the one person that was entirely honest with him. hell, he still trusted him enough to send him back to Camelot and Gwen so he knew Merlin wasnt evil. If the writers actually did a good job at developing Arthurs character, i feel like itd be more obvious that Arthurs stance on magic was different from his fathers, but yknow bbc and their shoddy writing. I love that moment of acceptance as well, when he tells Merlin that he doesnt want him to change. He doesnt even now about all the things Merlin sacrificed and lost in order to protect Arthur and Camelot but he still accepts him. I think that when he first fund out it was all like “holy crap i dont even know him” but after spending a few hours with Merlin he realises that its still the exact same person he knew the week before. 

anddddd as much as i like the way they did that magic reveal, the ending of the show left me with no closure and a lot of tears. my ideal magic reveal wouldve happened earlier, either at the start of season 5 or near the end of season 4. It would give us a chance to see them talk it out, and god we know that there would be arguing, and if arthur wasnt dying he would probbaly be shouting but the key part here is that arthur wouldnt hurt merlin. i think he culd consider sending him away if his father was still king just to protect him but we all know merlin would reply with “no <3″. but since i cant see the reveal happening when uther is king, i will be ignoring that scenario. and again, theres many ways this could play out.

the one way that ive always found interesting was arthur figuring it out on his own, because he may be an idiot, but hes not stupid. *if you like this sort of thing read “so close and im halfway to it  on ao3, its a merthur fic and the magic reveal in that one makes me cry so much and the fic is so well written* I feel like at one point, he would just put the pieces together, and it would all make so much sense to him? Merlins random disappearances and scars would make sense, the luck he had when it came to fights, Merlins weird reactions when someone mentioned magic, how on earth merlin of all people managed to survive every battle and fight arthur was in when some of his best knights didnt. 

then theres the very cliche “merlin using magic mid battle to save everyone” reveal. because its mid battle, i really cant picture them talking it out there lol,  i picture a lot of ignoring but also if other people saw him using magic, we all know the first thing arthur would do is give the knights a good old “if you kill him i will kill you and then myself”, it wouldnt be until later that they would actually talk. 

and then like the canon magic reveal, theres Merlin doing it on his own terms. i personally really like thhis one because it gives him so much more control over the situation and over his words. *another fic rec here if you like this sorta thing, its called “to the world that let you by” and its really beautiful and made me cry at 1am so there you go, and as you guessed it, its another merthur*. i love this reveal because it gives merlin a chance to explain, and arthur a chance to listen and try to understand. 

now there are loads of different sub categories that could go into those, like Arthur finding merlin creating butterflies out of thin air lol, but i wont go into those. whatever reveal would happen, i feel like “the talk” after would usually end up in a similar way. Arthurs reaction would be similar to what we got in the canon reveal, because the actual magic isnt what would hurt most.  it would be the lies. Arthur has been lied to and betrayed by so many people you cant really expect him not to react badly to being lied to. the magic sure would confuse him and put him in a difficult position, because you have to keep in mind that his entire life he has been told that magic is pure evil, and to him, merlin is the polar opposite of that. i think it would just make him question everything, like does he even know this man? has he won any of his battles or has it always been merlin? why is he in camelot? why would a sorcerer be serving him? but he wouldnt hurt him. he wouldnt even consider that imo, sure, he will demand an explanation, but he wouldnt actually thin about hurting him. 

and merlin would understand why hes angry about the lying, that much is obvious. and he would be reluctant to tell arthur about the things that were happening behind his back all those years, but he would be honest. and go that conversation would be hard for both of them, i cant really imagine them having it without a lot of crying, shouting and even more wine tbh. arthur isnt good at listening which is why this would be so hard for him too, but merlin has to be honest, completely honest with arthur for the first time in his life and thatd be difficult. 

and i think merlin would handle arthurs reactions well, even if arthur decided to lose his temper lol. but i can still imagine him being a bit bitter if arthur judged his choices and stuff when it came to poisoning morgana and freeing the dragon, asking what on earth HE would do in that situation. where the only choices he sees are bad ones, and he has to pick the one thats least evil. 

arthur would probably be most pissed off at the thing about his mother tbh, because merlin outright lied there, usually its just deflecting but he made that deliberate choice to lie. but i really do think he would understand all of this, while not every choice merlin did was good, he did it with good intention. 

and then arthur would remove the ban on magic and they would kiss and get married amd live happily ever aft-

thanks bbc.

anyway if you want any more magic reveal fics (or links to the ones i mentioned, ao3 can be bloody annoying sometimes) feel free to comment or message me or anything, i have a couple more in my bookmarks. 

thanks for reading this rant, scuse the bad grammar, id love to hear your thoughts and opinions on this and magic reveals in general so feel free to comment! have a great day<3

#merlin #bbc merlin #merlin magic reveal #magic #magic reveal #arthur pendragon #emrys #once and future king #merthur #merlin x arthur #arthur x merlin #rant #bbc arthur #bbc shows #lancelot #bbc lancelot #gwaine #sir gwaine #bbc gwaine #im tired #gwen #bbc gwen #morgana #morgana deserved better #merlin deserved better #mordred #knights of the round table #sir leon #bradley james #colin morgan

[paintedpeeta]

hi. I'm sorry for what im about to say, but i just need to let this go somewhere, otherwise imma explode. i can't talk to most of my friends right now, and i don't wanna bother anyone.

that's hypocritical of me since im coming here to bother you... and that's what im sorry about the most, but since you answered my previous ask with the most gentle treatment ive been given in days, here's me again.

im in the fandom for almost a year now. it's still difficult for me to write for everlark, specially following canon because they mean a lot to me, and im always afraid that im doing it the wrong way. I've been working on a longfic since february and there was a time where I was SO GENUINELY PROUD AND EXCITED about how i was writing, but i can't feel that anymore.

i can't feel that with anything i write. and when i do, or at least have some hope that someone will read it... nothing. not even my friends, the ones who pressured me to post it earlier than i planned in the first place. and now i feel like i have nothing, since nobody reads my thg shit and i pretty much stopped writing for other fandoms.

as a brazilian i kinda don't have the right to expect much, bc people who read everlark in portuguese nowdays are basically extinct and im not exactly using the best plataforms... but i still do. and that's making me sick.

i had to deactivate my twitter account this week because some family stuff, and i used to post a lot of my writings there. i created a new one, but now i have lost all of the lil reach i had, and i can't find most of my mutuals. my friends still couldn't care less about my writing.

i feel like im a bad author. not because my writing sucks or because I can't build storylines. i can, and feel like i do that decently. what i mean is that... nobodys reading what i put into the world. and what's the sense in all writings, if not make others feel so comforted and welcomed by our stories as we do, as authors?

i genuinely feel like getting out of twitter for good, because being there is not nice anymore. not when i see all people that promised me they would read my fics tweeting all day about all kinds of subjects and leaving me on read on dms. not when i post drabbles and have to delete them hours later because nobody sees or interacts w it.

at the same time, i don't know how to use tumblr. and every other part of my life is falling apart.

im sorry, again. but that's what I feel right now and i guess I just wanted someone to listen and comfort me, since my two other happiness sources are fictional. ignore that if you want. please, don't answer it because you feel like it's the polite thing to do or because you feel like you have to. you don't.

- I.H.

hello, anon :)

first of all i’m sorry that you’re feeling so down, i wish there was something i could do to help you more than just replying to this ask - so please remember that my messages are always open (i won’t take offence if you’d rather communicate through my inbox to keep ur anonymity of course) if you wanted to talk a little more. you must be hurting pretty bad if you feel like you can’t talk to your friends about it :(

and second of all, please don’t feel so discouraged that you stop with your writing. i really don’t read multi-chapter fics myself (i don’t even have an AO3 account if you’d believe it or not) so i sometimes feel a little guilty that i don’t do enough to support fic writers, who give up so much of their time to give other people some enjoyment and a little bit of escape. if you’d like to share the name or link etc of your fic with me i’d be more than happy to post it on my blog if you thought that would help any.

as for your troubles with writing in your native language, i can only imagine how frustrating that would feel for you. i wonder if anyone in the fandom would be able to help in the way of translation or something in order to help you in that respect? sadly i don’t speak portuguese, so i doubt i’d be any use on this one :(

and honestly i only have twitter for personal use so i’m not any help there but is there perhaps a way to reactivate your account? i wasn’t so sure but according to google you can get a deactivated account back within 30 days, if that would be in any use for reconnecting with your followers on there.

and lastly i hope you keep the faith in the longfic you’ve been writing. it would be terribly sad for you to lose all that you’ve worked on since february. that being said, if you feel like it’s giving you so much stress and just feeling fruitless it’s also okay to take a break and step back for a little while. no one will feel disappointed and you certainly shouldn’t feel that way about yourself. tumblr is sort of a pain in the ass to use i won’t deny it, but there are some amazing people and writers on here who i’m sure would be willing to help you out.

please don’t be a stranger if you need to rant again, and i hope any of what i’ve said is at least a little bit useful for you 😊

#asks #if anyone else could offer anon some advice please feel free #i feel like my response was inadequate #but my heart was in the right place lol

[zodiyack]

Teenage Dream (III)

Pairing: Thomas Shelby x Female!Reader

Warnings: Swearing, suggestive/adult themes, ittie bit o’ fluff, angst

Words: 1,215

(Series) Summary: A woman, in his life prior to the war, has suddenly reentered Tommy’s life, leaving him just as longing as she did when he were just a teen. A romance blossomed and wilted long ago, but the garden is being watered again. Thomas is falling for her, again.

Theme Song For The Series: Teenage Dream (cover?) by T. Rex

Taglist: @captivatedbycillianmurphy, @stydia-4-ever, @matth1w, @fandom-puff, @simonsbluee, @redspaceace-writes, @stuckysslag, @marquelapage, @peakyxtommy, @sebastianstanslefteyebrow, @psychkunox, @jenepleurepasbaby, @darling-i-read-it, @i-love-superhero​

Masterlist | Peaky Blinders | Cillian Murphy Masterlist

Part I. Part II.  Part III. Part IV. (Coming Soon)

They hadn’t spoken since the night their lips touched for the first time in a long time. The contact between her soft lips and his own stirred old feelings. Tommy’s hand lifted to his lips often, right where hers were, and he could’ve sworn that he still felt them ghosting against his.

The fire she’d ignited in him, crackling as it’s lively flames danced, was spreading, from his heart, to his dick, before every part of him was alight. Every single fucking part of his being was burning for her. Yearning for her. Craving her.

Like a teen boy, he thought of her whilst making himself come undone. He relished in every memory he had of her as his hand worked himself. Her name was mumbled- even shouted at times- more than once in his bedroom. Tommy was this far gone, but he knew, deep down- he knew, he would only go father in a matter of time.

At the Garrison? He’d seriously expected her to stray as far as she could from the place, especially after she’d learned that he was constantly there, but he’d guessed wrongly, as she was right there in front of his eyes. She was more drunk than he’d ever seen her in public. The two used to get drunk together, so the state wasn’t new, but she always controlled her alcohol when she was in the sights of others who weren’t Tommy.

“Fuck!” She slurred, leaning against the counter. “Get me s’more, would you?” A giggle left her mouth despite there being nothing to laugh about.

He sighed. While he should go to the private room and join his brothers, he couldn’t just leave her to make a fool of herself. Walking over to her, the calm veneer cloaking his worry, he took the drink from her hands.

“Hey! Who the fuck do you think you- ...Tommy?” It seemed as though she only called him that when they were together and, just now discovered, when she’s drunk. “Well well well. Look who finally decided to stop fucking hiding from me.” She hiccupped but payed no mind to it.

“I’m not hiding from you, Y/n.”

“I can see that. I’m talking about every other day. You know, the ones where you’re pretending I don’t exist?” She raised a brow and shifted on her feet.

“I’m not pretending you don’t exist either.”

“Yes you a-”

“You’re drunk, Y/n. Let me take you home.”

She paused before furrowing her eyebrows and frowning. “I’m not hic fucking drunk. I’m perfectly fine, and I don’t need you to hic take me home.” Conflicting her words, hiccups and broken slurs earned a roll of Tommy’s eyes.

“I’m taking you home.” He went to grab her arm before she yanked it away violently, swatting her glass off the counter. Her shoulders grew heavy with anger.

“You’re taking me home? After you decided to fucking leave me there, puzzled out of my fucking marbles!? After you left me there with absolutely no fucking context to the words that you dumped onto me?! After you fucking ki-” His hand flew over her mouth, people in the pub starring.

“We can talk outside.”

Y/n shoved him harshly, crying out in pain, her wound still not yet healed completely. Nevertheless, she pushed through the agony and continued to swing her fists at Tommy. He caught her wrists and gave her the sternest look he could muster. “We’re talking outside.” Tommy drawled with a bitter taste to his tone. He was only trying to help her. Sober her would’ve thanked him.

He didn’t know how, but he convinced her to let him take her to his place. On the car ride there, he pointed out that her hand had been cut from the shards of her broken glass. She didn’t reply, instead staring at her new wound until they’d arrived. Now, sitting on his bed, he patched her up the best he could.

“How does that feel?”

“Stings like a bitch but I’ll be fine.”

He chuckled softly. “I don’t doubt that.”

Her posture relaxed. She felt somewhat comfortable with Thomas, despite picking a fight with him less than an hour ago. The feeling brought her to contemplate and realize her actions. Guilt swam around her gut.  “I’m sorry.”

“About what?”

“Causing that scene. Fighting you.” She looked down at her hand, wrapped in bandage and properly cared for by the one person she thought she wanted to forget. “...Breaking one of your glasses.”

“You don’t have to be.”

“But I do, Thomas. It was childish and utterly disgusting behavior. I should’ve just asked you instead of being a coward and drinking away every fucking feeling I have. I want to be human, not some emotionless drunk-” She looked over at Tommy, a guilty look replacing her concentrated expression, “no offense, Tom.”

“None taken.” He nodded with a chuckle.

“I want to hate you, I want to so fucking bad, but I can’t. Nothing I do could ever make me genuinely hate you and I hate you for that. Except, I know it’s not real hate, and that only pisses me off more. I wish I could hate you.”

They sat in silence a little longer before her words at the pub tugged at Tommy ceaselessly. “Y/n?”

“Yes?”

“At the Garrison, when you were yelling at me, what were you going to say about me kissing you?”

“For one, you left me with a bullet in my gut-” She seethed through clenched teeth.

“My mistake.” Deep down, so high near the surface, everywhere- Tommy felt guilt for his act of abandonment. “I got distracted.” 

“By what?”

He reminded her of his question asked only a few seconds prior, “By the topic I’d like you to explain to me.”

“Oh...” Her eyes drifted off the side, avoiding his. “Yes, I was going to tell you that... That it confused me. That it had me so fucking bewildered, I couldn’t sleep or even think.” She blinked, as if tracing a memory. “It felt like your lips were still against mine, even now the feeling hasn’t faded, but it ran me up a wall. I knew you couldn’t be mine, so I drank those longing thoughts and feelings away. Every night since.”

“Why can’t I be yours?”

“Because...I don’t know. I just feel like...well, I’m not certain.” Y/n yawned. “But that kiss was the best thing that happened to me. Made reason in my life after I thought all my reason was gone. Yeah... Goodnight, Tommy.” She lied back and curled into his side, gripping his shirt lightly and nuzzling her face into his chest. Tommy wanted to stay there, hold her and revel in her warmth, but he couldn’t.

He picked her up and carried her to his car before driving her home. The key was in her purse, next to a photo of him- which he missed whilst digging around for her key. Tommy unlocked the door and pushed it open, taking Y/n up to her room and setting her on the bed. He lifted the sheets up to her neck, smiling as he watched her nestle the side of her face into her pillow.

“Goodnight, Y/n.” He kissed her forehead lightly and looked at her one last time. Then, he left.

#tommy shelby x reader #thomas shelby x reader #cillian murphy x reader #tommy shelby #thomas shelby #cillian murphy #peaky blinders x reader #peaky blinders #peaky blinders reader insert #zodiyack #all readers #x reader #reader insert #imagine tommy shelby #imagine cillian murphy #imagine #the peaky blinders #tommy shelby imagine #cillian murphy imagine

[dukeofonions]

hi so i.found ur blog and its honestly like a breath of fresh air to look at so if its ok i might just fuckin,,vent here.

so. ik a lot of other people have been talking abt how pof was really straining to watch and i am.very late to the party but i need to talk abt it bcz holy fuck. when i first watched it i was in a way better place mwntally, also the general excitement of wow,content kinda overrode the headache and the eye hurty and the just. bad. but i was rewatching it recently because i was basing a fic off it and i just. i couldnt finish it because all of it was just so much and there was no fuckin warning?? so that was pog ig

next thing because i have. a lot of thoughts. ive been in the fandom for not-very-long, i joined in the middle of 2019 or something.and it just kinda sucks because im only still here for the fandom. i love the series but i can only watch dwit and compilations of logan/roman being sad so much before i can basically recite them off the top of my head. but i reallyreally love writing for the fandom!! it makes me so happy to do the writing, its just the fact that im not as invested with the series that makes me feel,,idk man guilty ig?? anyway thats too deep for a rant so im.a move on

god so tw me not liking post aa virgil and me talking abt toxic friends but hoooly fuck man. i just. pre aa virgil was fun because he was snarky and sarcastic and i could actually stand the nagst because his character made sense?? he was the 'bad guy' and he wasnt as woobified back then and he was honestly a solid vibe. but post aa virgil gives off the vibe of that one friend who fuckin, gets angry at you when you bring up any of your mental health issues and then blames their outburst on their mental health issuea and its like?? no i hate that character dynamic. people say bad things when the feel bad, sure, ik i have, but its the vibe of 'im gonna threaten you and then blame it on my mental health but if you so much as look at me wrong while ur having sensory overload or something i will smite you with the force of one thousand suns' and i am just.so tired. also ithink someone else said this but we should just call the series 'virgil sanders and the rest' because thats what it is now ksbdjqkbsq

also (all ofthese are my opinions btw and im not trying to say im rigbt im just tired honestly) the way. in pof the way patton's whole thing is 'you need empathy' is not funky fresh for both people with low empathy and high empathy 😎 bcz ppl with too much/too little empathy are always told theyre 'cold' or that theyre 'oversensitive', the whole 'there is an average amount of empathy and if u dont have that fuck you actually' is icky and bad and gross. i do think patton's character is really well done in the series but that episode jjust personally. ick.

and finally the moment uve not been waiting for bcz this is probably really tiring to read but the moment youve been waiting for-fwsa.just. why. its cute and stuff and i love nico. nico is a vibe. also bathroom man john is great. but shouldnt roman still be on shit terms with thomas?? like lk we're just gonna sweep away the whole 'i thought i wad ur hero' shizz? cool cool, glad to know romans arc still aint happening. also i get it, we needed to cement that virgil is a light side now. but like..did we?? actually bcz this is so long im gonna send in a second ask (im sososorry if this clogs up ur ask box if u tell me to stop i will i just. many thoughts) abt how even though i hate virgil, his arc should have been done. so differently. just gonna put like,, a mushroom emoji here so u can put the 2 asks together if u want 🍄

You’re always free to vent here! Sorry it took so long to respond but life has a cruel habit of getting in the way of things I need to do. 

So for starters, the POF problem should be talked about more so I can assure you that you’re not late to the party. It never really got the amount of attention it deserved so I am more than willing to bring that back up and trust me, you’re not alone. 

And again, you’re not alone in this either! Plenty of people still enjoy creating content for these characters. You don’t have to feel guilty for not finding the actual series interesting because honestly, I’m kinda losing interest too. But I still love these characters and I love that the fandom is still creating stories with them through different mediums.

Honestly I agree with just about everything you said about Virgil and I do eventually plan on tackling a lot of this in a future post. You know, if I ever force myself to just sit down and write the dang thing... 

Oh my gosh I’ve been waiting for someone to talk about this because that whole thing about empathy in POF really ticked me off because you’re absolutely right, not everyone is 100% empathetic, and some people can be empathetic to a point where it hurts themselves. Like I get what they were trying to say but it came across as, well, like you said. “If you’re don’t have this exact level of empathy then eff you I guess you’re a bad person.” Maybe that actually wasn’t their intention but it sure came across that way and maybe I’ll go into it a little more in another post because now that I’ve been reminded of it again I kinda wanna talk about it more. 

Okay yes, FWSA on its own is a good episode. Heck, it’s one of my favorites. It feels closer to a season one episode than ATHD that’s for sure. The problem with this episode isn’t the quality but the fact that it comes right after POF. And I’ve basically gone over this in my “Problem With Asides” post and how it affects both Roman and Virgil’s current arcs so I won’t go into much more detail here but just know that I pretty much agree with all of this. 

Also don’t worry about cluttering up my inbox. It’s here for people to share their thoughts and that’s exactly what you’re doing! Hope to see your part two soon mushroom anon! 

#dukeofasks #ts criticism #virgil criticism #pofaffair

[supernatural-jackles]

hi jen! ive been wanting to ask this for sometime now but its always come across as a little rude and tits not my intention to so i hope you dont take it that way. ever since that anon you got a couple of monts back about the one and one makes three series youve been really quiet on here and your only here on sundays and tuesdays for posting and then your gone.

i dont want to assume anything but it seems like your not active because your leaving us as soon as the bet is done. its like that anon drive you to the point of whats the point. you are one of my absolute fav writers on here and i really dont want you to go anywhere but its really feeling like you are and im not the only one who has notices this. i miss seeing you around and so do others. please dont feel like you have to go

Hi there!

I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been very quiet, and only around on the days I post something. I didn't really notice the timing thing with that anon, but I can see how it could be taken that way. It's not really intentional, I promise you it's not. I'm not avoiding being here because of the anon. Being here is just a lot for me somedays.

I've said this to a few people already. There just isn't enough hours in the day for me. I'm trying to be here, and write, and read while working full time. And since I was promoted in April, my responsibilities have increased and I have a problem with saying no. I feel guilty when I say no, especially for work purposes. That being said, I also feel really guilty for not being here and reading the things for the Bingo I'm running, and I fear they'll get mad at me eventually for it. I feel so bad that I haven't even finished reading If I Fell for You that Michelle wrote a while back. I'm just behind. I want to write and share more, but it's hard to do that and everything else. I know my candle is already burning at both ends, and I'm desperately trying to put one end out.

A lot of shit has happened in the last few months as well, and I haven't been doing my best to deal with a lot of it the way I'm used to dealing with it. I feel like I repeat myself to my friends and they don't want to hear it, so I think I'll have time to write about it and I don't get around to doing it. I've had friendships end, some for the better, other's not so much. Then there is the whole anxiety and depression thing to make matters even more complicated.

I'm trying to find a solution.

I don't want to stop being here, and sharing stuff. The SPN fanfic community is slowly dissipating, which sucks for us writers and the readers who rely on us. I'm not leaving after The Bet is finished. I have a lot of one shots in my drafts. I just need to find some way to get back on track after everything.

Thank you for wanting me around me often though. That is definitely something I needed to hear today! 💜

#Personal post #Personal ask response #Jen answers asks

[earthlyemily]

I’m struggling so much financially and honestly just wanted to vent somewhere. I’ve always lived in poverty and I think in my whole life I’ve had maybe 2 years where I didn’t have to stress about money and not be able to buy groceries or pay rent or be put into collections for not being able to make payments etc and that was when I was in college. For at least the past 5 years I’ve been struggling but I never talk about it. I don’t even know where to start haha I don’t even know what it’s like to not stress financially and be in debt. I’ll just start with the first things that come to mind with what I’m owing maybe. So it’s Dec. 23 and rent was due yesterday because we moved into this small suite attached to someone’s house on Nov. 22. It’s $1200 which is so expensive, but also the average price for BC if not even cheaper for a one-bedroom with a yard, utilities included. and no first and last, no pet deposits, etc because this is just short them for 4 months until the end of March because i reached out and asked and they said yes.

After 1 month I already remember why we went into the trailer almost 2 years ago and it’s literally because we can’t afford any other lifestyle. I think that’s the difference between us and some people that live in trailers, vans, etc. like we lived in a mouse & mouse shit infested trailer for 6 months breathing in their feces and urine and having it all over all our belongings. i literally had to take my whole life to the dump and we officially have no food storage because they ruined it all. there were at least 50-60 mice because a few birth cycles happened in the ceiling. I could write a whole post about my experience of living with field mice, but now isn’t the time so for rent, i only had $600 yesterday so that’s what I gave them. thank goodness they were okay with me asking for a few more days to make the other half. but I don’t even know when that’s going to be :(

my etsy shop veganveins has been doing so bad lately for more than one reason, most of my orders are just postcards and stickers, and while I’m grateful for them, that $1-3 profit isn’t going to keep my business going. and it’s so hard for me to work lately. the wifi doesn’t work sometimes for hours and I always get distracted by shawn and the dogs working from home in a small space. I need to get better at my time management. I got up at 8:30 today which is actually early for me so I’m proud of myself. I’m chronically ill and I really need to go get a blood test and see what’s happening because I haven’t gotten one since being diagnosed with graves disease again 1.5 years ago. anyways. i switched to a print on demand method this year for veganveins for some shirts and sweaters because i couldn’t afford to keep ordering shirts in bulk, and it’s honestly been so, so expensive and i barely make any profit. I’m currently owing my t-shirt printer $999 on one invoice (it was originally $2196 so I’ve at least paid half of it) but that was 2 weeks ago and I still need to pay it. Mario, my t-shirt printer has been with me since I started veganveins and I’m so grateful he gives me extensions on paying the invoices. every other t-shirt printer I’ve ever asked has said no. in addition to the $999 there’s going to be another $2200 invoice I’ll be receiving this week for my last order. I think because of the holidays he’s going to give me some time to pay off that too, but the problem is when I have outstanding invoices he doesn’t print new orders for me. He’s closed now until Jan. 4 so I just need to somehow make that much before then.

btw I don’t have a credit card ($8500 all used on veganveins and it got put into collections last march) and I had a fully used $5000 line of credit but I got a debt consolidation loan for $16,000 1 month ago and my payment for that is $167 a month. it fully paid off and closed my credit card and line of credit + $3000 overdraft which is nice. but now I don’t have any extra money except for what comes in. my credit is only 640 which is really bad in canada so I won’t get approved for a new credit card or loan until I build that up, which is going to be a few months of regular payments. so for regular payments, the $167 for the loan is due on Dec. 27. Yesterday the trailer loan which is literally unliveable from what the mice did until we renovate it came out for $260, that’s how much I pay once a month for it on the 22nd. I didn’t have $260 in my account so it got rejected and I got charged a $48 NSF fee. omg if anyone is reading this long i’m shook. i’m genuinely just writing this for myself to process my feelings and in case anyone was curious about my financial situation here you go haha. maybe some of you can relate, maybe some can’t. anyways. so now I somehow have to get $260 in my account for that for when they try to take it out again in the next few days.

another payment that was supposed to come out yesterday but hasn’t, but I’m sure will come out today is our truck loan. they deferred it for 8 months because of covid which was so nice, but we started paying it again 2 months ago. for both those months I called and made my payment a later date and that helped, but there’s barely any service here so when I called 4 times yesterday to try and change the date the payment comes out, I was on hold for 20-30 mins then my phone would disconnect and hang up. so that’s $586 and it will come out today, I have $0.46 in my account right now so it will get rejected and I’ll get charged another $48 NSF fee. this is why being poor always costs more and the banks are always harsher on those who don’t have money. today I’ll try calling again to see if I can ask for it to come out on a different day like january 10 instead, so I can first have time to pay rent and the trailer and also our $190 truck insurance which got rejected from my account 3 days ago, which was another $48 NSF fee. oh and something else i’m so stressed about is CIBC is going to put me into collections on December 28 if I don’t pay $1000, $700 of which is purely their fees. I have a $300 overdraft which they said i have to cover by then and the $700 is literally their $48 fees added up over the past 3 months. I got a text from them today saying my account is over and it’s because an amnesty international $11 monthly donation came out and obvi there’s no money in there, so that’s another $48 they charged. they’ve already given me a month to pay it and don’t want to wait any longer :(

I owe everyone in my family money, my sister $1650, my mom $700 and my brother also lent me $700. none of my siblings have money either and my mom definitely doesn’t so I hate that i had to borrow that much, and it’s literally been months. thankfully they’re so patient but i can’t wait to not owe them that

omg and i can’t even think about the amount of money shawn’s grandma has lent us. she’s genuinely the only reason we haven’t been completely homeless. but it’s a lot. like i don’t even want to say the number on here. she let us use it from her line of credit over the years and we’ve been slowly paying her back, but she lets us go months at a time without making a payment which i honestly hate doing, but have no choice. i’ve felt a lot of shame and guilt about this, but I also know that she genuinely would rather help us than see us suffer.

so i’m gonna talk about a big reason I’m broke this month especially - saving a pig named buster. his rescue cost me $1850 out of pocket that I didn’t have. but otherwise he was going to be killed in 2 days, he was my baby and I loved him so I had to do it. I somehow made $1350 that went towards it but I’m still owing $500, which I just asked for an extension for today until the new year. i’m not really supposed to talk about it but everything I’ve ever posted here has stayed here, so that cost was literally just from me buying the pig off the farmer. myself along with everyone else ive talked to is disgusted that he charged that much, but he wasnt budging and if that’s what it was going to take, of course I’m going to do it. I wouldn’t think twice about doing it for my dogs and Buster was smarter and more affectionate than them. i love him and I’m so happy he was saved. a non-profit organization transported him to a sanctuary and it was my biggest wish come true and the happiest moment I’ve had all year. my eyes are literally tearing up haha i love him so much. i could write a whole post about his neglect but basically he hasn’t had fresh water in weeks, he was only being fed handfuls of mixed nuts, he was constantly dirty in a muddy enclosure with an electric fence that he was always getting shocked on. he never got true love or affection except for when I gave him it. i posted an instagram story about him and asked people to message me and that i needed help, 2 people donated $111 and $120 each, and 2 other people donated $15 and $12. Someone also e-transferred me $20. These 4 donations equaled almost $300 ($277) and I was so grateful for those people wanting to help me help buster. if anyone else wants to help me with the cost of his rescue i still do need help and would appreciate it so much. this feels really weird and vulnerable for me to do and i’m sorry if anyone is annoyed by this post, I just genuinely am struggling and figured if someone does have extra and wants to help, there isn’t harm in that. but i do feel guilty for asking because i know there are so many other people struggling out there that need even more help than i do :(

i haven’t talked about it publically but i guess I will now, this farmer that I bought buster off of is the owner of the organic vegetable farm i was living and working at this past spring and summer. we worked really hard all summer to be able to stay there and park for free in the winter, but this past fall he told us no one was allowed to stay at the farm anymore, including us, so we had to find a new place to bring our 14ft trailer in to live. so that was an unexpected bummer and if we had known we wouldn’t be allowed staying there anymore (despite doing the labour of $1200 a month for free harvesting organic kale, for an off-grid spot he told us was worth $350 a month to park) we wouldn’t have driven 8 hours with the trailer and we would have stayed in the snow in northern BC and sucked it up and lived on the land we got the opportunity to rent this fall. Donna, the woman who is renting the land to us has been the biggest blessing in my life this year. I love her so much. Basically, she’s letting us live on 170 acres for $600 a month. letting us do whatever we want on the land (building a cabin, setting up rainwater catchment systems, having a solar passive greenhouse and a huge garden) LIKE WHAT. we could even open a farm sanctuary if we had money, i wanted to so bad but obviously that dream didn’t even come close to being reality. opportunities like this literally don’t exist in canada, especially not in BC. i cant even process my gratitude, i cry everytime i think about it. when we go back in the spring it’s going to be the beginning of the rest of our life :) i want to rescue so many senior dogs. everything we’ve always wanted to do we’ll be able to do, assuming we have money haha. but i want to have an organic farm and grow veggies to donate to families in need, especially since we live on stolen indiginious land and I see how the goverment actively restricts their access to fresh healthy produce. but anyways by then it was too dangerous to drive 8 hours back hauling a trailer in the snow and it was just easier to stay in the okanagan until the spring. i know the farmer probably doesn’t realize this and he’s also probably struggling financially but not being able to stay at the farm for the winter months we worked for, and buying buster for that price is a big reason I’m in the financial stress I am now so I figured i’d talk about it.

anyways. i think this is long enough and i think anyone reading this gets the point, i’m drowning in debt, my small business is almost costing me more to run and i’m not making nearly enough profit to live, the past few months ive been living off grid (not by choice) and just focused literally on surviving and not freezing and getting water etc and not having service or internet has affected me negatively. there’s internet now in the suite I’m in, it works really good in the morning and not as well at night, like for example tumblr doesn’t work past 5 pm for me to post photos. but ive been in a bad sleep schedule since i got here that i need to change. im sick and i need to heal myself. tomorrow i’ll set my alarm for 7:30. hopefully i make some money today. i got a social media managing job and it will end up being $1000 a month once i do the 3+ hours a day of work which im already feeling like i barely have time for my own basic life tasks. but i can do this.

if anyone reading this wants to help me out a bit, my paypal email is [email protected] or http://www.paypal.com/paypalme/veganveins

and my e-transfer email is [email protected] i have auto deposit so you won’t have to ask a question :)

this is my first time in 7 years i’ve made a post like this or asked for help. i won’t do it again but figured i have nothing to lose. if you read up to here i love you a lot and thank you so much for being here <3

#personal #finances #broke #poor #vegan #small business owner #graves disease #saving animals #off grid #I wonder if anyone will even read this all #debt #life update lol #p