#I just feel really hopeless right now and staying positive feels really hard

[ghosts-cyphera]

we love you so much angel! & we are proud of you. please don’t be too hard on yourself. 🩷

love you the most-most 💗 )-:

#tw suicide #tw depression #I’m deleting my original tags again I’m sorry #I don’t want to make you all feel worse #in short: depression relapse. I have an appointment with my gp tomorrow morning (in six hours). I’ll be alright I’m sure #I just feel really hopeless right now and staying positive feels really hard #I also self-isolate a lot when I’m down so if you don’t see me around for a while please know that I’m okay. #just recovering and hopefully getting the help I know I need #I love you all so very much #cw depression #cw suicide #lo answers

[niyabiblioteca]

i hate your guts

PAIRING: fem!reader x ex-reader!jeongin

WARNINGS: mentions of cheating, rough sex, slapping, spitting, name calling, crying, jeongin really doesn’t give a fuck about the her pleasure

you came to apologize, but after tonight, are you really sorry?

————————————————————————

“you’ve got a LOT of fucking nerve showing up here.”

you looked at jeongin from his doorstep: a place you never thought you’d be and a place he’d have hoped to never see you at again.

he was looking at you with the coldest gaze you could have ever imagined. his arms crossed, bulging out of his tank top. you tried to focus on why you were here, but damn did he make it hard.

“jeongin, please. i just wanna talk. can i come in? it’s freezing.” you pleaded with him.

he scoffed at you “you really think i give a fuck about what you wanna say? you can leave right the fuck now” he was unfaltering. definitely expected as he’s always been stubborn.

“please. just hear me out.”

a few beats of silence went by before he sighed and quickly looked away before turning and walking away from the open door.

you guess that was his invitation inside.

you stepped into the all familiar house and closed the door behind you.

he stood a foot or two from the couch as he assumed the same position while looking at you impatiently.

“is it okay if i sit down?”

“just fucking spit it out.”

his harsh yet quiet tone shook you and made your heart ache as you sat down on the couch and swallowed the lump in your throat before beginning.

“i-i’m sorry, jeongin. i never meant to hurt you and i’ve been feeling so horrible about it ever since you found out.”

his eyes widen in disbelief. that’s what you came here to “talk” about?!

“you’re sorry? you really came here to apologize and give me that bullshit about never meaning to hurt me while you were fucking heeseung behing my back?!”

you started, “i- i just-“

he cut you off. “and you’ve been feeling horrible?! how do you think i felt?! you let me walk around our group of friends so clueless when the whole time you were humiliating me and breaking our fucking promise!”

you opened your mouth but stayed silent.

he dropped his arms to his sides in a hopeless manner.

“the whole time. everyone knew but me. you allowed everyone to act all innocent with me as if you all weren’t laughing at me behind closed doors.”

his voice started to break the more he spoke.

“i- i’m sorry. i just had to come tell you that. i couldn’t live with myself without at least saying that to you.”

that made him go back to his cold expression as he stared at you in disbelief.

“oh? so you just showed up at my door at fucking midnight to rid yourself of your own guilt?!” he chuckled coldly. “yeah well you can get the fuck out of my house. you fucking lying whore.”

as he pointed to the door you sat in shock couldn’t believe what he just said. and you also couldn’t believe that it turned you on so much.

“i said get out!” he marched around the coffee table to grab you up out of the seat by your arm. his grip on you was unforgiving. and god did it make you drip. you should feel so bad for this, but you can’t leave now. not without getting what you truly wanted.

“jeongin, no! please don’t! just let me stay just a little longer, please!” you pushed against his grip and you both sort of wrestled to the door until he had enough and slamming your against it.

“yeah? why should i? give me one good fucking reason why i should let a slut like you stay here!”

you placed your hands on his broad chest as you looked him dead in the eyes.

he knew that look.

that look that he once loved to see, but now he’s just taken back at it.

“oh wow. really. so that’s the reason you came. for sex?”

you wanted to say something in fake protest but every word died on your tongue.

“wow. you really are nothing but a liar and a whore. came all the way here to get your disgusting cheating cunt filled up. thought you could get me to pity you enough to do it, huh?”

you nodded because you really did and you felt like it was working. when you were dating he could never resist when you gave him that look. you smirked as you felt that his resolve was slipping.

“well too fucking bad. leave.” he started opening the door behind you.

your eyes widen as you grab his wrist from the doorknob in a panic.

“no! please, jeongin! i’m sorry for lying to you! please just one more time!”

you drop to your knees in front of him as you start running your hands up and down his thighs.

you can see his arousal so you know you got him there. the only thing now is to get him to stop being stubborn.

“god, you really are such a needy whore. what, heeseung couldn’t give it to you well enough? i assumed he was, given that you cheated on me with him.”

you shook your head.

he sat and watched you pathetically rub and grind against his legs like a bitch in heat before clenching his jaw and speaking up again.

“you really don’t deserve it, but how about this?”

he reaches down and grabs a fistful of your hair so violently you thought he was gonna rip it out.

he pulls you back up to your feet and stares at you coldly.

“i’ll fuck you. but only this once. exactly how you want it too. i’ll fuck you like i hate your fucking guts. then afterwards, you’re never gonna speak to me again. you’ll never show up on my doorstep ever again. you’ll go back to heeseung and let me forget you exist. deal?”

“deal.” you said without thinking with a smile on your face. the smile pissed off jeongin more.

“alright then. don’t think you’re getting fucked in a bed though. we both know you don’t deserve it.”

————————————————————————

“oh fuck! fuck me harder!”

you scream as you watch yourself in the mirror. the state that you are in right now after about 2 hours is beyond anything you thought jeongin’s soft self would be capable of.

your hair and makeup was a mess from tugging and crying and drooling. your mascara went from dripping down your face to being smudged across your eyes and cheeks and on the comforter that you were gripping for dear life.

it painted an ugly picture on your face. your eyes were bloodshot.

your body from the neck down was covered in red and purple bruises and hand prints from being smacked around and manhandled all night long. the pretty colors together made you feel even weaker than you already were.

finally you get to the man responsible. the man gripping at your hips with everything in him. you can see the bruises forming on your skin and the veins popping out of his arms and hands.

his thrusts were absolutely incredible with how hard and precise they were each time his pelvis met your ass. your clit was rubbed red and swollen from the constant attention it was receiving and it pulsed from the overwhelming feeling of your nth orgasm of the night.

you dropped your face onto the comforter as your eyes rolled the the back of your head as you felt yourself go dumber by the second. you had stopped fully moaning and screaming his name and now just let out little groans.

your resting state was interrupted immediately after jeongin flipped you over and smacked you across the face, thus leaving the final mark on you.

he reinserted his angry hard cock and grabbed your throat with one hand while his other worked the fuck out of your clit.

you started choking on your saliva and your own moans as your windpipe was being closed up more and more by the second.

you looked at him and saw nothing but focus and aggression on his sweaty face. it’s like he wasn’t even tired. he had built up this emotion for so long and was planning on taking it all out once and for all.

he let go of your throat and gripped your waist as he started fucking you at what felt like the speed of light. your body bounced vigorously with each collusions and your gaze turned from starry to pure white as your arousal sprayed out of you and onto him.

but then he pulled out. ruining your orgasm.

you screwed your eyes shut and whined while your hips chased his cock again, only to realize it wasn’t there.

you opened your eyes when you felt the same sting on your scalp from earlier as be pulled your face up and drove his cock down deep into your mouth while jerking and letting all his thick release slide down your throat.

he fucked your face some to ride out his orgasm before roughly pulling his cock out and smacking you with it before he let your hair go and watched you collapse onto the floor.

you had barely had a second to catch your breath before jeongin stood up.

surely he would help you some way. clean you off, offer you some of hir clothes, or at least get you off the floor.

but no. he stood and stared at your pathetic panting form without any remorse.

“now get the fuck out.”

————————————————————————

godDAMN this took a lot out of me.

#stray kids smut #i.n smut #skz smut #jeongin smut #stray kids

[trainerbob23]

Update: no I’m not dead, I just want to address some things.

Hey everyone, I just want to address a lot of things that happened over these past couple weeks, no I am not dead or did not get myself killed, I want to be completely up forward, and honest with everyone.

But first, I’ll address the big elephant in the room: probably around 2 to 3 weeks ago. I almost tried to kill myself, the reason I had almost done that was because there was so much stress going on around me (schoolwork, world news and even just straight up scared for the future) and all these events accumulated into to the point where felt like I thought that was the right thing to. Now I realize that it wasn’t the right thing to do. it would’ve been way worse because I had many people that were worried about me. I want to apologize for the people that I have worried. There has been a lot of difficult stuff these past couple of days (it could be roughly because of my weight gain, and I have been really insecure about my body which is the second reason)

The second reason is that I legitimately felt really insecure about my body. I felt like a big, flat slob weight that secure around. ( I weigh myself at 209 pounds when I used to be at at least 199 pounds) I just thought that was a big accomplishment at the time right now I just wanted to lose all this weight it just has been really difficult for myself to give up all these food and wine. Mom and Dad forced me to eat every day because they want me to finish it up, they are not bad people or anything, but I need to be aware of how much I eat

Possibly the reason that is that I’m probably gonna get a lot of flack for this, but I just given up hope for this world, and I just wanted to generally take a break from every social media platform but there’s a lot of people on the Internet that apparently say that your a monster if you do that taking a break from world news sort of thing. It just made me feel so guilty all around and I just don’t want people to be upset. I just felt legitimately stressed out over everything to the point where basically almost did it.  I had wanted to stay positive even after all the stuff that’s been going on, but I feel like I fail. And made all of you guys scared it just made me feel guilty as well for trying to literally kms over everything. Ive Probably just need a break in general from all the bad stuff that is happening.

I just wish there was a lot of positive stuff happening around in the world but apparently that is not even possible anymore, is already gone off the deep end so much to the point where I feel kinda hopeless for everything, I wish there was this restart in humanity as a whole, I just wish there was no war at all. I just wish I didnt desperately doomscroll so much. I wish I didn’t have this mentality, but that’s not even freaking possible anymore. This whole world has gone to shit and I’m sick of all of this world in general. I’ll try to keep living as a whole for my family, friends and everyone, but It’s a hard reality that we live in sadly. I’m not going to do really horrible stuff to myself. Maybe I just need to take a break off of here for probably ever.

I’m really sorry for not posting these past couple weeks. I have been trying to make sure that something like this never happened again. I’ll try to come back with a better mindset. I promise <3

thank you for reading everyone. Have a good one

#tw suicide #tw vent #im sorry #self improvement #tw body issues #tw sui #i promise I’ll get better #I promise #ask to tag #apology

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers CHAOS LINEAGE ー Subaru [06]

ー The scene starts in Subaru’s room at the Violet manor

*Rustle*

Subaru: ( ...Ah? What’s this? Somethin’ warm, and kinda soft... )

*Ba-dump・ba-dump*

Subaru: ( The sound of a heartbeat makes me feel incredibly at peace... )

...!?

*Thud*

Monologue

I instinctively bounced out of bed.

When I looked down, I found Eve asleep next to me.

Apparently I had dozed off,

while she held me close against her chest.

How come I can remember,

being embraced by her?

This girl just leaves herself far too vulnerable,

as I found myself growing irritated,

by how my hopeless brothers would take advantage of thisーー

And I ended up taking out said anger,

on her.

However, she wrapped her arms around me,

as if she was trying to accept me,

those feelings of anger included.

...Like the dumb miss goody-two-shoes she is.

That is exactly the reason why,

I feel so irritated, or why my chest aches,

as well as how I ended up doing something so terribly out-of-character,

as sleeping in someone else’s arms.

Subaru: ...God. I thought I was pretty clear with my threats, but she still doesn’t get it!?

Snoozing next to a guy while makin’ such a defenseless face.

...Well, I guess I’m not really in any position to judge when I slept soundly in her embrace.

*Rustle*

Yui: Nn...?

Subaru: ...Heh, she’s talkin’ in her sleep. Honestly, she looks like a fool.

( This is the first time I’ve ever been this interested in another person. )

( The fact I can’t help but get irritated whenever she leaves herself vulnerable as well. ...What is going on with me? )

( She may be the legendary Eve, but in the end, she’s still only human, right? She should be nothin’ but prey in the eyes of us Vampires. )

( There’s no way...she could be special to me. )

Prey...Wait, now that you mention it...

Carla said that her blood tastes gross, but it was good when I had it?

It honestly blew my mind. Has that guy lost his sense of taste or something?

( Putting my feelings or her blood aside...Something seems off. )

( Do I feel this way because I’ve lost my mind? Or perhapsーー )

Monologue

Apparently I fell asleep,

while holding Subaru-kun in my arms. 

By the time I realized,

I had already spent the night in this room.

Subaru-kun seemed to be having a hard time,

looking me in the eyes after I woke up,

but he did not seem mad. 

Perhaps it was just my eyes playing tricks on me,

but he seemed to be flustered.

Perhaps it’s because we slept in each other’s embrace,

but it felt like we had grown closer together compared to yesterday.

Perhaps it’s because I realized from the bottom of my heart,

that even though his memories have not yet returned,

he really is the man that I fell in love with.

It felt like the invisible wall I could feel between us,

had finally crumbled.

Subaru: Anyway, you’re way too defenseless. I can’t let you out of my sight ‘cause you always get in trouble.

So try to stay in my room as much as you can. Okay?

It shouldn’t be as easy for Laito or Kou to bother you when you’re here.

Yui: ...Yeah. Thank you, Subaru-kun. You’re keeping me safe, right?

Subaru: How many times do I have to tell you it’s not about that?

Besides, I drank your blood against your will as well, remember!? Do you understand that!?

Yet you’re thanking me. Have you gone crazy?

I just don’t want other guys to eat from my prey.

Yui: ( This sorta thing happens often where I think he’s being nice to me, then suddenly I get flat-out rejected and pushed away. )

( ...Perhaps he’s confused because his past memories have become mixed up with his current ones? )

( But that’s a step into the right direction, right? I hope he can get his true memories back at this rate... )

I don’t mind if it’s you. Because I trust you.

Subaru: ...Haah?

Yui: ( It doesn’t matter how harsh the things he says sound. Even if he seems blunt or offstandish. )

( I can tell that he does truly care for me deep down. That’s why I can’t help but be happy or have faith in him. )

I don’t mind being prey. That’s why I want to be with you as well.

Subaru: ーー ! Fuck!

Why are you smilin’ over there like a fool!?

It’s very clear to me that you’re just way too good for this world. So don’t you dare leave my side, okay?

Yui: ...Yeah!

Subaru: Haah...I don’t know why, but you really throw me off...

Yui: Ahaha, is that so?

( Fufu, laughing helped me relax. )

*Growl*

Yui: ( Ah...! The moment I eased up, my stomach growled...! )

Subaru: Heh...What was that loud sound coming from your stomach?

Yui: ( Uu...How embarrassing. )

Subaru: Right. You haven’t eaten yet today, have you? Want something?

Yui: Ah, in that case, I’d love to try something you made!

Subaru: Aah? I won’t be able to make anything noteworthy.

Yui: I want to try it regardless. Can I count on you?

( Subaru-kun cooks here, doesn’t he? I’m a little curious. )

Subaru: If you don’t mind it bein’ somethin’ simple. I’d imagine Laito or Kou will be on your case again today after what happened yesterday, so you should stay heーー

*THUD*

Yui: Kyaah...!

Subaru: ...!?

Yui: What on earth was that just now?

Subaru: No idea...But it didn’t sound good?

...Che. Somebody’s runnin’ towards this room...

Yui: Eh...?

ー Azusa bursts into the room

*Thud* 

Azusa: Subaru...!

Subaru: Azusa, what’s wrong?

Azusa: Ah...Eve’s here as well...Perfect.

Yui: ( Azusa-kun looks incredibly tense...What could have happened? )

Azusa: The Orange House attacked us...They’ve come to take Eve away.

Subaru: ...The fuck!?

???: Oi! Where are you hidin’ her!?

She shall be mine!

Yui: ( This voice...Ayato-kun!? )

ー The scene shifts to the hallway

Subaru: Azusa! Go get help before the other dudes from the Orange House arrive. Before someone gets here!

Azusa: Okay.

ー Azusa runs off

Yui: Subaru-kun...

Subaru: What? Don’t look so worried. Just stick with me, ‘kay?

Yui: Yes...!

Subaru: For now, we should take you somewhere saーー

Ayato: Hehe, so this is where you’ve been hidin’, huh?

Subaru: Wha...!?

Ayato: You’re not gettin’ away. Oi, you. Give her to me.

Subaru: Are you stupid? Did you really think I’d willingly hand her over? Go home already.

Ayato: Oh well, you don’t need to hand her over if you don’t want to. Then I’ll just take her with force.

Subaru: ...Oi, don’t you dare leave my side, ‘kay?

Azusa should be right back with the others, so don’t let that Ayato dude scare you.

Selection

→ Show concern towards him (🖤)

Yui: I’m worried about you. You have to fight Ayato-kun all by yourself while also protecting me, right?

( Besides, at this rate, he’ll end up facing off against Ayato-kun. Even though he’s his actual brother... )

Subaru: Idiot. You don’t need to worry ‘bout that.

If you’re taken by them, everything will be for nothing. No way I’m lettin’ him have you.

→ Have faith in him (♡)

Yui: Yeah, I’m not scared.  I know that things will definitely turn out fine because I have faith in you.

( Besides, at this rate, it’ll turn into a fight between actual brothers...We definitely can’t let that happen. )

But it pains me if you were to get hurt because of me.

Subaru: Hah. You’re panicking over nothing. You’ll find out soon enough that there’s nothin’ to worry about.

Subaru: I’ll make quick work of this guy.

Ayato: Excuse me? You’re talkin’ pretty big for someone who tried to be all clever by callin’ for help. 

I’ll blow you away before the other Violet members get here and claim Eve as mine.

Subaru: Shut up! Stop ramblin’ and come at me already!

*Clash*

Subaru: ...Hah! Just as I thought, you’re no threat. You’re bein’ overpowered by me.

Ayato: Hehe, you’re stronger than I thought. But still no match for me!

*Clash*

Yui: ...!

Subaru-kun, Ayato-kun...

( They’re full of vigor...No, is this bloodlust? )

( Unlike the small brotherly quarrels they would have before, they’re actually out to kill each other... )

( If things take a turn for the worst, one of them might actually end the other’s life...! )

*Clash*

Yui: No...I definitely can’t let that happen!

Subaru-kun, Ayato-kun, stop! You shouldn’t fight...!

Subaru: Idiot! You stay back! Don’t you dare step out in front!

Ayato: Hah! Yeah, let that girl distract you! Idiot!!

*Clash*

Subaru: ...Ugh.

Ayato: ...What!?

Subaru: Who’s the idiot now? It’s so easy to read someone like you who only knows how to swing their fists around!

*THUD*

*Thud*

Ayato: Guh...That hurt!

Yui: Please, cut it out you two! No more...!

You can’t try to kill each other! I mean, the two of youーー

You’re both part of the Sakamaki family, aren’t you!?

Ayato: Orah! Take this!

*THUD*

Subaru: Uu...Guh...

Yui: ( It’s no use...I can shout all I want, it doesn’t reach them... )

( I wish I was strong enough to stop them! How come all I can do is watch!? )

( If only they would rememberーー )

*Clash*

*CLING*

Ayato: Die...!

Subaru: Fuck off! You’ll be the one kickin’ the bucket!

*CLASH*

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

#diabolik lovers #dialovers #subaru sakamaki #chaos lineage #diabolik lovers translation #clsubaru6

[marauderundercover]

i dream of getting out (you're on your own kid ch. 2)

Prev

There was no question about it. Percy was definitely cursed. He wasn’t sure who to blame, but there definitely had to be someone out there to blame, right? Someone other than him calling the wrong shots and getting him into these situations. He’d never really been into that whole ‘higher power’ crap. Mostly ‘cause the one time his mom took him to a church thing, he couldn’t focus. And the nuns yelled at him. Nuns are scary. But that didn’t really matter right now. Because right now, Percy was being followed by some dude through an unfamiliar part of Gotham. If he was smarter, Percy would’ve stayed in the safety of Crime Alley (and isn’t that a sentence) where he could just call for Red Hood. He trusted Hood, and he knew that the guy would at least try to help him. They may not be close or anything, but Red Hood protected kids. Everyone, especially everyone in Crime Alley, knew that. But here, outside of Hood’s territory, Percy felt hopeless. He didn’t know these streets like he knew New York’s. Or even Crime Alley. Turning with the alley, Percy sucks in a breath as he realizes- he’s trapped. Spinning on his heel, he turns and scans the area, trying desperately to find a fire escape or something that could help him. His eyes widen as the guy rounds the corner.

“Hey, kid. You look lost. Need some help?” The guy asks him, and Percy frowns. He was pretty sure he didn’t look that naïve. The guy’d been following him for too long to be anyone with good intentions. Literally everyone would know that. Realizing he’s taken too long to answer, Percy shakes his head and squares his shoulders in an attempt to look bigger than he is.

“I’m fine.” He says simply. The guy laughs, but it’s not like his mom’s laugh was. It feels closer to Gabe’s laugh, and Percy clenches his fists. He really shouldn’t have left Crime Alley.

“C’mon, kid, just let me help you. Come with me and we’ll grab something to eat.” He says. Percy shakes his head. Even if the dude wasn’t trying to kidnap him- which Percy found unlikely- he wasn’t about to be in debt to some creepy ass guy who stalked him around Gotham.

“I’m good. I’m just gonna-” Percy tries to make his way around the man, but he reaches out and grabs Percy’s arm with a bruising force. Immediately, Percy starts to thrash about and tries to break free. “Hey, help! Someone!” The man moves one of his hands over Percy’s mouth to smother the sound of Percy’s cries.

“Couldn’t just do this the easy way, could you, you little shit.” The man complains, struggling to keep hold of him. Percy jerks back roughly enough that he’s able to stumble back a few steps.

“Red Hood!” He yells, hoping that maybe, just maybe, the vigilante had taken a trip outside of his territory. The man snarls and grabs Percy by the back of his hair, making him yelp. Before he can try and fight back more, the man slams his head against the ground. Percy cries out as the pain makes stars dance in his vision. Another slam of his head, and the world fades from view.

---

Percy blinks awake, then regrets it immediately- the dull throb in his head sharpening the moment his eyes hit the light. Groaning, he quickly shuts his eyes again, taking a steadying breath before cracking his eyes open again. He opens them slowly, trying really hard to focus past the pounding in his head. Struggling, he pushes himself up as carefully as he can. His whole body ached, and it probably had something to do with the concrete floor he’d woken up on. Sitting back on his heels, Percy takes in his surroundings and tries not to panic. There were at least a dozen other kids, all of them in cages. Shit. A door slams open and the other kids all scurry to the backs of their cages. Percy, however, stays where he was and shoots a glare at the man walking in. It was the same guy from the alley, and the fact that he hadn’t covered his face didn’t feel like a positive sign for Percy.

“Looks like Sleeping Beauty is finally awake. Wasn’t sure how long it’d take after you got that little bump on your head. You feeling alive again?” The man asks with a smirk.

“Feeling peachy.” Percy says, crossing his arms. He was terrified, but he didn’t want this guy to know that. Didn’t wanna give him the satisfaction. The man smirks before lunging forward, and Percy can’t help but flinch back. The man laughs, shaking his head as Percy mentally says every single curse word he could think of.

“And I’m sure you’ll feel even better once you’re outta Gotham.” The guy adds before turning and walking back the way he came. Percy drops back down to his butt and tries really hard to take deep breaths. He’d really messed up this time, and there wasn’t anything he could do but hope that someone was looking for at least some of the kids in the room. They were still in Gotham, which was a plus. It meant there was still a chance that the Bats would find them. Not that Percy really had anyone looking for him, but he did kinda have a tiny bit of hope that Red Hood would miss him. Or at least think about where he might be, since Percy almost always saw Red Hood at least once while the guy was patrolling Crime Alley And he’d hung out with the vigilante on the roofs a couple times. Percy knew that the guy had some serious rules in place to protect the kids of Crime Alley, and he really hoped that the protection would extend to dumb new Crime Alley kids who were running around the wrong part of Gotham in the middle of the night.

“Hey, kid, you got anyone looking for you out there?” One of the other kids calls out. Percy shakes his head, moving to press his back against the back of his cage. He pulls his knees up into his chest, trying hard to ignore the ache as he realizes how alone he really is.

“No. No one.”

---

Percy does his best to ignore the crying and talking from the other kids. There were a couple a little older than him, and they were clearly trying to make the younger ones feel better. Personally, Percy thought it was ridiculous for them to even try. The only bright side was that it seemed like most of the other kids weren’t in the same ‘living alone in Gotham’ boat that he was in. Probably half of them were certain that their parents would be looking for them right now, and the other half figured their parents would eventually look for them. Percy does his best to shove down the jealousy. Not like it would do any good stuck in a place like this. Just as he starts to nod off, loud thuds and screams, accompanied by gunshots, sound in the other room. Percy does his best to curl into himself in an attempt to shield himself. He wasn’t sure how many people were working with the guy who’d grabbed him, but it sounded like they’d all gotten into an argument. And Percy did not want to be collateral damage. The door slams open and Percy flinches back, squeezing his eyes shut as some of the other kids shout in surprise.

Percy had expected screams of terror or pain or something, so when the other kids start cheering and crying, he risks cracking an eye open. The sight of Batman and Nightwing weaving around the cages, carefully opening them and helping the kids out, lets him finally take a deep breath again. They were okay. Percy uncurls and inches towards the door of his cage so that he could run the second it was opened.

“Shit.” A familiar mechanized voice echoes throughout the room, and Percy’s attention snaps towards the voice. He wants to cry. He’s relieved and exhausted and is finally not terrified. But he also doesn’t wanna cry in front of one of the only people who still willingly talks to him.

“Hiya, Hood. Little far from Crime Alley, aren’t ya?” Percy chirps, forcing a grin on his face. Red Hood unfreezes and rushes over, using his gun to break the lock off the cage that Percy was trapped in. He throws the cage door open and then backs up, giving Percy space to get out by himself. He scrambles out, wincing at the fact that he seemed to have Red Hood’s undivided attention. And the vigilante was silent. “Are uh, are you gonna yell at me?” Percy finally asks, and Hood splutters.

“Am I- you- Jesus christ, kid.” A long hissing sound comes from the helmet, a sound that Percy was pretty sure was just the guy letting out a really long exhale. “You’re not in trouble, Percy. You were almost- what happened to your head?”

“Is he injured? Ambulances should be here in five minutes, but we’ve got emergency stuff and there’s a full medkit in the Batmobile.” Nightwing rambles, appearing at Red Hood’s shoulder. Percy takes a step back, panic whelming up. He did not just escape traffickers to get put back into the system by Nightwing. Hood seems to notice Percy’s panic, and moves himself in front of Percy.

“Give the kid a break, Wing. He’s one of the Alley kids. I’ll check his head out and then take him back.” Red Hood says, and Nightwing frowns.

“I really don’t think-”

“C’mon, Wing. Hasn’t the poor kid been through enough for one night?” Red Hood asks, and Percy watches, impressed, as Nightwing sighs and agrees.

“Fine, but you better get the kid outta here before B notices you ignoring protocol like this.” He says.

“Since when do I give a shit about his protocol?” Red Hood asks, but he nods at Percy and guides him towards the room where the gunshots had come from. He pauses at the door, and Percy looks up at him.

“What?” He asks.

“Would you promise me to close your eyes and let me guide you outta here?” The vigilante asks. Percy starts to argue, then considers what he might have to see on the other side of the door and nods slowly. Red Hood had never done anything to make him not trust him. And he was kinda the only person Percy actually felt like he trusted at this point. Maybe he’d regret it one day, but he really didn’t think he would.

---

Enjoying this fic? Head over to AO3. I'll add updates here as I remember.

#percy jackson #percy jackson is not having a good time #kid percy jackson #jason todd #batfam to the rescue #crossover fic #ao3

[gabbagepatch]

Steroid drops hurt 3-25-2024

Go figure! Putting medicine into a hole in your eardrum doesn't feel too great! Still dealing with quite a lot of aching even after taking some ibuprofen. Much improved though, the entire right side of my head/neck was hurting for about seven hours after taking it. I'm just glad it's isolated to my ears now lol.

Had a bit of a cry after I administered the drops today. I've been feeling like such a burden lately and after a weekend of travel I'm totally wiped out.

I've developed a fear of new medications ever since I had a bad reaction to one a couple months ago, so I had to calm myself down before I used the drops. I could tell my mom was frustrated with me, who wouldn't be? It's so simple, just use the goddamn drops! I'm frustrated with me!

Everything just kind of... starting coming out via tears. My insecurities about being a burden, the fatigue of constantly trying new treatments and meds, feeling hopeless with my health, losing independence, daily pain, it all just came out. Once the tears started they didn't stop.

Was a total bummer after such a lovely weekend. My therapist told me to introduce positive thoughts into my head when I get really down, so my mom let me chit chat about our trip to SC and my cute niece and nephew. That definitely helped. Hard to stay sad and hopeless when you remember your little ones.

Hope everyone's day was a little less rocky than mine! I'm okay now, I think it's healthy to have a bit of a cry every now and then. Gonna have a cozy day tomorrow and make some phone calls, maybe have a gummy too.

#disability #disabled #hearing impaired #meniere's disease #chronic illness #hard of hearing #chronically ill #chronic pain #chronic migraine #chronic disability #invisible disability #invisible illness #mental illness #illness mention #illness tw #vent #blog #tw crying

[stillyour-sweetheart]

Haii your blog is amazing and reading your posts about heartbreak is helping me get through my own right now. I was in a situationship for almost a yr and it’s really left my heart in pain and my mind confused (I never wanted a situationship but he was emotionally unavailable). Sometimes I feel so low about myself because I know I deserved so much better and I think about how someone could’ve treated me so horribly, but tbh your heartbreak posts help me feel understood and remind me that I’m not alone, so thank u for being so genuine and for providing a comfort space for me ^.^ :’)

Hello there!! ☺️🩷

Thank you so much for liking my blog and for taking your time to scroll through it, it means a lot to me! ;___; 

Ah… situationships… I’ve been in a couple myself and yes, it definitely hurts. There are so many emotions that result from being in one and for letting yourself stay even if you know you’re miserable, not getting what you KNOW you deserve, feeling constantly confused and exhausted, etc. I think it’s easy to be hard on ourselves when we look back at what we could’ve/should’ve done (hindsight is 20/20 remember). But tbh being critical on ourselves isn’t very helpful in the healing process. As cliché as it may sound, you have to love yourself into healing. You have to fill the cup that’s been empty for a while. Everyone goes through different stages in their lives. Please don’t be ashamed, guilty, or embarrassed for what you’ve gone through lately. It’s all a part of the learning process in the grand scheme of things (even if that sounds a bit cold to say / easier said than done). Be gentle with yourself and nurture your heart. Take from your situationship what you can from it. Milk out as many lessons as you can and assign purpose to your pain.

I know how much it hurts to not have these things work out even if you did your best in loving them… it makes you feel so hopeless and wonder, ‘what was so wrong with me that it didn’t work/that they didn’t want me?’ I see your pain. But just know that one person’s inability to choose you is not a reflection of your love, but a reflection of their poor decision-making skills and lack of desire to grow. Be proud that you loved and are loving, because that in itself is so hard and scary to do. You were amazing before them, and you are still amazing now even if you don’t feel like it. You inspire others just by being you and I say that because even though you’re hurting, you’re still able to share light and positivity to a stranger like me. That takes an enormous amount of strength and a heart full of love and warmth. I’m lucky to experience it. :)

I hope you continue to enjoy my blog! And yes, you are never alone! I hope things will get better for you in time. Take all the time you need to process your feelings. Never be ashamed of feeling bad or for loving them and or continuing to love them. To love with such a heart of gold is rare and I feel sorry that they let someone like you go. They’ll surely regret it.

Again, take all the time you need and be gentle with yourself. Take care. ❤️

#ask #anon #reply #nice anon

[felizusnavidad]

"but what if i tell you this is going to be our year? i have a good feeling about it! and no matter what you are struggling with right now, it will pass. i promise!"

Sorry for the late reply... I'm the anon who sent this.

I love the optimism, and I really want to believe that! So, thank you ❤️❤️ ... Not to get too dramatic or personal, but in my own case, it's hard to think positive (which I do my best to do) when it genuinely feels like your life is going nowhere post-college. I'm on the right career path and working in my desired industry, but I still have yet to move out. My life really isn't going anywhere; I seriously led myself to believe that before I turn 30 I was going to be living on my own in my "dream" state working in my "dream" job and engaged or married by now, but, as I can see here now, none of that has happened. I apologize for the negativity. I'm just really hard on myself, and the more nothing changes, the more hopeless I get.

BUT

I want to end this on a positive note: I really do feel that I will land my desired job title and move out (I technically can move out now already but I want to have a job lined up that pays well so I can get bills + rent paid and still be able to spoil myself (lol), first of all, and one that I know I'll be content with and stay at for more than 3 years) before 2024 ends. It's only January 8... 🙂

hi anon! so good to see you back, i hope you're doing alright ❤️

i kinda can't believe this optimism comes from me lol, but i truly feel like this year is going to bring us so many good things. for me, 2023 was the year of big changes (none of them easy but most of them good for my mental health) & i am definitely going to continue that in 2024. although the struggle is real sometimes & i really feel like i want to give up most of the time. but i've come to the conclusion that there is absolutely nothing wrong with not having everything figured out yet in your late 20s/early 30s. you still have all the time in the world to do all of the things you mentioned and it seems like you are on the right path, at least with your career (i literally still have no idea what i want to do and i'm turning 28 this year but i'm trying to stay positive!). also, you can meet someone & fall in love at every age, so who knows, maybe this is gonna happen to you this year as well!

i'm gonna keep my fingers crossed for both of us & with that being said, let's manifest: you are going to move out this year & i am going to find a better job and figure out what i want to do (like you said, it's january 8, so we still have A LOT of time for that!). sending you the biggest virtual hug!

#it's like i always say: sometimes we're feeling hopeless but in the end we're going to be ok #i truly believe that #also my ask box is always open for you if you need someone to talk to #you're not alone remember that #❤️ #daisy anon #i saved every letter you wrote me*

[welikeclownsinthishouse]

Entry number six for @ailesswhumptober

Day 6: forced to hurt someone

Dean knew it was a bad idea to go after Lucifer, knew it the minute Sam came into the room with a new lead. The feeling didn't go away on their drive toward the location either, in fact, it got even worse the closer they got to Lucifer's supposed hiding spot but he still drove, keeping his mouth shut while the weird feeling worked its way through his whole body.

In retrospect, he really wished he had said something, anything at all. Hell, he could have pretended to be sick or something if that had stopped them from ending up where they were right now.

Sammy was sitting in front of him tied to a chair, his body completely bare except for the black boxers he was wearing; Lucifer stood behind him, looking at Dean with Castiel's eyes. Dean himself stood in front of Sam, unbound and shaking with rage but he didn't move, he couldn't move even if he wanted to, Lucifer's grace holding him in place.

"You should have scars all over Sammy." Lucifer said, in a voice that was equally Castiel's and not Castiel's at all, his hand touching Sam's shoulder. Dean saw Sam jump but his little brother didn't reply, he didn't even look up and that just wouldn't do.

"Leave him the fuck alone!" Dean yelled, trying to move forward but Lucifer wouldn't let him, the archangel didn't even look at him he just continued to run his hands over Sam's shoulders and the way Sam shuddered at the contact did nothing to lessen Dean's anger.

"We can't have that now, can we? I worked so hard to cover every possible inch of you and now it's all gone, almost unfair don't you think?" Lucifer said, his voice low and almost seductive but Sam continued to stay silent. Dean felt his stomach constrict and his eyes started to burn as a large knife materialized in Lucifer's hand when he finished speaking.

"Don't you fucking touch him!" Dean yelled again, knowing his efforts were futile but he couldn't just let him hurt his brother without at least trying to stop him.

"I won't hurt him, you will," Lucifer replied with a smirk and Dean could feel all color drain from his face at the words. Almost instinctively he shook his head at the suggestion but Lucifer didn't let him speak before he continued.

"Either you cut up Sam's pretty skin or I will. Your choice." Lucifer sounded positively delighted at his proposal, like he expected Dean to vehemently refuse but Dean just stared at Sam, who for the first time since they got into this position, looked up from the ground.

His little brother's eyes stared into his own with an intensity that could burn right through his soul if he let it. Dean immediately knew what Sam wanted, so he nodded at Lucifer before he spoke, voice quiet and hopeless but strong all the same,

"I'll do it." He felt sick at the words, repulsed at the thought of hurting Sammy but he couldn't just ignore Sam's wishes.

Dean could swear he saw Sam's shoulders sag with relief at his words but he didn't want to think much about it, the surprised and maybe even angry look on Lucifer's face being more interesting to him momentarily.

Even if Lucifer was angry he gave Dean the knife before he released the hold his grace had on him. Shaking in anger Dean's first instinct was to attack the archangel but with one quick glance at the hand said archangel still had on Sammy he decided against it.

"Come on I'm getting bored over here." Lucifer interrupted the silence and Dean reluctantly walked toward his brother before getting on one knee, knife grasped so tightly he was afraid it might snap.

"Start with his thighs they are my least favorite part of him." Lucifer instructed, voice and Dean could feel the bile rising in his throat as he started to make a long but shallow cut on his baby brother's thigh. Sam just took a surprised breath but didn't make any noise or movement otherwise and Dean didn't know if he should feel glad or even worse at the realization that this certainly wasn't the worst pain Sam had felt in his life.

"Do it right or I'll do it myself." Came Lucifer's disapproving voice from above and Dean couldn't keep the tears in any longer as he made another cut, long like the first one but deep, way deeper than he intended it to be. Warm blood gushed out of Sam's leg and he could feel his brother start to tremble beneath his hand but he stayed silent still.

Dean swallowed and made another cut, another bout of nausea rushing over him when he felt the flesh parting beneath the blade. The stench of metal assaulting his nostrils and the feeling of Lucifer's gaze on him made everything even worse but he couldn't do anything, not without endangering Sammy at least.

So with shaking hands, he lined up the knife again only to pause at the feeling of another pair of eyes on him. At first, he didn't want to look up, to look at his baby brother, but he did, feelings of obligation almost forcing him to do so.

When his eyes met Sam's they widened, Sam looked almost hopeful and Dean didn't know why, couldn't see anything to be hopeful about in this situation, not until he saw Sam glance at his blood at least.

Concealing his own smidge of hope he placed a hand on Sam's thigh while the other one made another cut causing more and more blood to leak out of Sam's leg. He glanced at Lucifer then, almost recoiling at the unbridled glee on the guy's face before he removed the now blood-coated hand from Sammy's cut-up thigh.

Slowly he started drawing with Sam's blood, careful as to not alarm Lucifer of his doing while his other hand continued to make small and deep cuts into his brother. He didn't stop either of his endeavors, not until Lucifer spoke up again that is.

"This is getting boring now, don't you think? Let's move to his chest, there's more room anyway." He still sounded happy, accomplished even and if they weren't literally at his mercy right now Dean would have stuck the knife into Lucifer's kneecap.

"Alright just let me do something real quick." Dean agreed, relishing the confused face Lucifer made just before Dean pressed his bloody hand on the sigil he had drawn onto the floor. When the archangel vanished Dean's shoulders untensed a little and his eyes went to the sigil for a second. The puddle of blood coming from Sam would have destroyed it if he hadn't acted the moment he did. With a blink he dismissed that thought for later, knowing that wasn't as important as getting Sammy away from here.

Quickly Dean stood up and started loosening the bounds on Sam's wrists and his feet but Sam still didn't move, didn't speak, he didn't even look like he was still there at all. Panicking slightly Dean removed his flannel and wrapped it around Sam's thigh causing a small pained gasp to come from his brother, the first sound he made in at least ten minutes.

"Sammy?" Dean asked, his voice laced with worry while his eyes traveled up to Sam's pale face.

"I'm fine Dean," Sam said but his voice sounded empty and his eyes seemed to be unfocused. He didn't look at Dean either, he didn't even pretend like he was and Dean couldn't help but feel even more panic rising inside him.

"Of course you are Sammy." Dean replied, his voice clearly showing how little he believed his own words before he helped Sam get dressed and basically dragged him into the Impala. As he drove them back to the bunker his eyes went back to his brother every few seconds, making sure Sam's eyes were just empty, not dead.

When he, after several minutes of driving like a madman, saw the small tremble in Sam's figure shortly followed by silent tears running down his baby brother's face he swore to himself that he wouldn't let Lucifer near Sam again, even if that meant killing him himself.

#ao3 fanfic #ailesswhumptober2023 #fanfiction #supernatural #sam winchester #dean winchester #lucifer supernatural

[xtrashmammalstefx]

Hi! Here's the fic idea I had: My OC falls in love with Bill in the Hunger Games.

Ask and you shall receive! Sorry this took so long I'm just not used to crossing fandoms like this so it took a while for me to get an idea of dialogue and all that good stuff. But I got it done dammit! Anyway I hope you enjoy your Bill S. Preston, Esq. goodness.

WARNING: SMUT & LANGUAGE!

“SUCK IT YOU FUCKING CAPITOL TOADS!” Bill shouted making me pull him into the cave.

“ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS!” I snapped at him.

“No, just pissed that we’re in this shithole with no music, no Ted, and we have to fight to the fucking death!” He leaned against the wall frustrated.

So far we’ve managed to survive the games by hunting game, and sticking close to the water...but the Capitol thrives on the violence aspect of the games so at time we’ve had to tap into a part of ourselves we wish we didn’t have to. I looked down at myself thankful they put us in dark clothing to make the blood less apparent. Sure the tributes I killed were mostly careers who were too cocky for their own good but still...the blood on ones hands haunt like nothing else in the world.

“At least now we have a chance…” I pointed out in a hopeless attempt to stay positive.

“I guess,” he said still not fully convinced. “Why’d come looking for me anyway? I thought you, like, couldn’t stand to even be near me?”

“You mean besides the obvious?” I motioned around me.

“Right, ‘sides that,” he said.

“Would you believe me if I say I was more than slightly worried about you?”

“Whoa, really?”

I nodded. “You have a lot more to lose than I do. The least I can do is help you make sure you don’t. Especially after you knocked that dickweed out with your guitar at my ‘birthday party’.” I call it a party but in my district that lacks in wealth the term ‘party’ is applied to hanging out with those outside your family inside your house while feasting on fresh bread from the bakery. Bill and Ted came to my party with their guitars wanting to do something special. Now, Ted I actually liked...he was chill and had the biggest heart out of everyone I knew. Bill, however, was loud, annoying, and always called me Princess even when he knew it annoyed me.

He looked at me perplexed. “What d’you mean?”

“You have family and friends who love you and would be devastated if you were to die here.” I said. “Not to mention a brilliant future.”

“So you do, Y/N,” he said. “Your parents love you, Ted and I adore you...and well...as far as the future is concerned I’ve never been able to see mine without you.”

I looked up and he was looking down, his cheeks tinted pink. I suddenly felt this ache in my chest, and I think it was this ache that pushed me towards him. Without thinking about it for even a moment I placed my hand on his cheek and brought my lips to his. For a moment I felt this, like, zing when we kissed. Like a spark igniting something we’ve had hiding inside us for a long time. I pulled back when I realized he wasn’t doing anything. He smiled that dopey contagious smile he always had back home. “D-Did you feel it?”

He nodded and wrapped his arms around me, kissing me hard. He turned us so that I was now the one pressed against the wall of the cave. His lips moved from my mouth to the skin of my neck. I tried to fight it but a moan still managed to escape. “Whoa, now that is music to my ears.”

“Shuddup,” I brought my lips back to his. We were completely lost in each other but a part of me was still very much aware of where we were and that we were not entirely alone. So when Bill started sliding his hand up my shirt I broke our kissed and pulled his hand out. “We’re on camera remember?” I said motioning at the little lens not so concealed in the cave.

“Cocked block by a camera...bummer.” He muttered. His head suddenly shot up like he remembered something. “Wait a minute…” He looked over at the camera lens with a shit eating grin.

“What are you hiding now, Preston?” I asked knowing what that fucking grin meant. He wrapped his arms around me and still smiling brought his lips to my ear.

“I can travel through time, remember?” My eyes grew wide. “Soon as we get outta here, I’m coming back and blacking out the camera with with mud.”

Sure enough when I looked closely at the camera lens it had what was now hardened mud blocking it.

I laughed and turned to Bill. “I fucking love you, Bill.”

“I love you too, Y/N,” he said before picking me up and carrying me a little deeper into the cave.

We later learned there was an absolute shit storm when the Game Maker and the rest of his crew realized the cave cam was fucked. At home Ted was told repeatedly to shut up after he started hooting and hollering for us.

All the while Bill and I were in the cave, kissing, and ridding each other of our blood covered death shrouds. Eventually Bill was on top of me, hard and as thick as the neck of his guitar. “I love you,” he whispered one more time before pushing into me. I gasped and bit into his shoulder as a sting rocked itself throughout the lower half of my body. Bill groaned but let me get used to the feeling of him filling me up. Eventually I was calm enough and the sting dull enough that I gave Bill the okay to move.

He was gentle in his movements. Always making sure I wasn’t hurt or uncomfortable at least. Eventually an intense feeling brewed within me. It grew stronger with each thrust until my toes curled and I was screaming his name. I tightened around him making him slick. As I came down from the full force of my orgasm Bill was sent into a frenzy. He groaned and thrust hard until he started twitching inside me. His hips froze after slamming against me and stayed pressed against me as he filled me, painting my walls with his seed.

He was coming down from his high when we heard a loud crashing sound. A bright light filled the cave as we followed the chaos to the side of the cave where there was suddenly a phone booth standing tall and out of place.

Bill smiled and laughed. “Get dressed, Y/N we’re fuckin’ outta here!”

We dressed in a hurry and rushed into the phone booth. Bill picked up the phone and dialed in the proper number.

We escaped the games that day. We went home, grabbed our families and Ted, and took the phone booth to a time and place where we’d be safe.

Bill and I married and started our own little family soon after. We were happy but deep down we knew that the memory of the games would haunt us forever starting with the words we heard before boarding the train at the reaping.

“May the odds be ever in your favor.”

Then we laugh and remember that they were in our favor.

That they would always be in our favor.

#bill s. preston esq. smut #bill preston x reader #bill & ted #the hunger games

[funkymbtifiction]

hi, i’m trying to type my friend and i’m fairly sure she’s an extravert. she interacts with and wants to be in the outside world a lot, even when she’s alone, she’ll be on social media, reading gossip forums, or watching TV (almost like she always needs external stimulation?) she says her greatest fear is to be alone.

This could also be high Se, to be honest, it doesn’t have to mean extroversion (constant stimulation and a need to stay busy and engaged with something).

she seems to use ni-se axis as well, since she has this vision of her life that she wants but can feel hopeless when her current circumstances are bad, like there’s no point to planning ahead if she can’t see past the dread of that day.

This is most common in SFP types, because all they can see is how they feel right now, right now is all that exists, so if right now is lousy, they fear that how they feel today is going to be how they feel forever.

she’s a perfectionistic when it comes to something about her future, like career or love interest. if there’s a huge exam, she’ll study extra hard to ensure there’s no possibility she fails. if there’s a person who she can’t see being her significant other down the line, she’ll dismiss them and keep them as a friend or ghost them.

I assume she reaches the latter judgments rather quickly? Could ISFP fit? Rapid judgment (Fi/Ni: I am not feeling this and it’s not fitting the life I want).

on the flip-side, when she really likes someone, she sort of idealizes them and creates an image in her head of what they’re like and how they’d be together.

This could be high intuition, or a romantic nature, or a positive Enneagram type that is prone to idealization and fantasizing.

she’s very logical when she’s not involved in a situation and can tell a friend the blunt reality of things, but when she’s involved, it’s harder for her to do the same.

Se users are pretty realistic and objective about other people’s lives (Se/Te in particular) but high Fi isn’t good at objectivity when their emotions are involved.

as for se, she’s very adaptable and loves the typical se-ish things, like fast cars, loud music, adrenaline-pumping activities. but she can be very impulsive, like spending way too much money, thinking she needs the items sooner than later, and then regret it after or throwing her TV remote in anger and accidentally breaking the TV. she’s not one to throw all caution to the wind though and likes to have a comfort zone to retreat to.

This might fit SP 9w8.

as for fi-te/ti-fe, i’m not sure. she’s very open about her political beliefs. she can sometimes press her values onto others and expect other people to adhere to it.

This is where it doesn’t work.

Fi-dom doesn’t demand others adhere to their views, although a 9w8 will be more black and white/forceful in stating their opinions. IFP 9w8 is more “let me be me, I let you be you, you push me, I lash out at you.” So you would need to dig into why she needs/wants others to agree with her. Is it just that she’s asserting her own values and expecting others to respect them (high Fi)? If so, that would fit SFP. Trying to change other people’s minds aggressively would not fit IFP and would be more strong Fe territory.

her political beliefs and religion she was raised with clash, so she doesn’t identify with it anymore but she still goes to church every week with her family just because they expect her to.

This is attachment, which is why I said 9, but it could also be 6 (and 6 would also fit with pressing her views on others -- 6s want people to validate them as right by agreeing with their position on something; they are fearful of differences, and so try to influence others into sharing their beliefs, regardless of type). This might also indicate Fe, depending on her reasoning (”I want to avoid conflict” vs Fe “this is what they need from me.”)

it’s also easy to tell when she’s upset because she gets quiet, and it’s easy to read her emotions. she won’t say what’s going on outright but if you ask her, she’ll tell you what she’s upset about.

Again, iffy. Less IFP than other types.

she’s often the mediator of the friend group since she’s great at handling conflicts and never gets into those herself.

This is why I think core 9. Mediation, avoidance of conflict, bringing peace between others, while being detached.

she’s really great at explaining difficult things in a way that’ll make sense to others, sort of condensing the info to make it comprehensible.

I would need an example of this to say what it “is.” Simplification usually involves decent judging skills, but it can be facts-driven (Te) or catering the message to your audience (Fe).

she hates when people are confused/not understanding a problem even when it’s written in clear instructions somewhere else or when they ignore her while she’s trying to explain it.

Easy frustration sometimes means high Te (why aren’t you getting this when it’s obvious and how to do it is written down right there?!).

she can feel like everyone can see her mistakes and are judging her for it, and to ground herself, she reminds herself that “no one cares about you as much as you think they do.” she said this to her brother when he worried about how others saw him, and she was confused when he took offense to it and found it too blunt when it helped her own worries.

This is attachment. It means she’s in the attachment triad (3/6/9). Attachment types care too much what others think, so often remind themselves that it’s okay to be themselves, to do their own thing, that no one is watching them, etc.

Given that she is blunt, practical, opportunistic, and struggles with objectivity, I think an SFP 9w8, although whether she’s I/E is debatable. Would you say that Ni or Te has greater prominence in her life? How much does she try to structure her life around a single forward purpose? If it’s a lot, ISFP. If she has a far-reaching vision but is constantly pulled away from it in favor of momentary emotions and pleasures, ESFP.

#question #isfp #mbti #esfp

[autismbleakness]

I’m just rambling about some stuff that’s happened with me lately - please scroll by if that’s not what you want to read right now.

I found out today that someone I once considered a friend actually has me blocked. I haven’t spoken with them in months, so I’m not entirely sure what happened but I suppose it was nice to have the illusion for a while that things just petered out, and it wasn’t some big fallout that made things go silent. I suppose it must have been that for them. I would apologize for what I did to hurt them, but they never told me what that was, and for the life of me I can’t figure it out. I don’t think I’m blameless, though - I’m sure I did something. I always do. Luckily, this doesn’t affect my plans much - I decided a while back that if the friend group I had fell through, I wouldn’t try again. This friend was just the last remaining straggler after everyone else left too. I still love all of them. Some part of me will always consider them my friends, even if they hate me and I’m not welcome in their lives. I’m respecting those wishes and staying far away, but if they came back to me I’d accept them without a second thought, and I know this because it already happened with a different friend. They re-disappeared just before my birthday too, so I assume whatever happened must have happened then. I’m getting lonely again too. It’s been awful lately. I want to tell people about the things I like, have them experience them with me, I want people to show they care about me, I want to feel loved, genuinely, by someone outside of my immediate family. I want to feel like a person again, but that’s really hard knowing I can’t ever let my guard down and put myself in the position I got into before, because what will I do when they come to hate me too? It’s been a rollercoaster. It hasn’t all been so dismal. I’ve been talking to somebody online in a new community I’m in, and they have a habit of being very honest and blunt, which I appreciate because it lessens the guessing games with them, but sometimes that bluntness can hurt me too. They go from telling me I’m sweet, to saying they can only ‘tolerate’ so much of my antics, to telling me my antics are precious, and I’m stuck in the middle asking “Which is it? Am I someone precious and sweet to you, or a presence you tolerate?” I’m a mess about it - on one hand, my singular braincell has decided this has to be a crush because this someone was nice to me a little bit, and I’m enjoying the feeling of infatuation making me grin and giggle and kick my legs and flap my hands from the giddiness it gives me when we banter because oh, have I longed for someone who can engage in a battle of wits with me on the same wavelength! On the other, I can’t let myself be drawn into that sort of hopeless romantic situation just because someone showed me a teeny tiny bit of affection and I know this is something that will only hurt me in the long run, so I need it to stop soon. I don’t know if they know and are pretending not to have realized what’s going on, or if they genuinely haven’t figured out that I’m not normally like this with other people. I don’t know which I’d prefer. Thank you for reading.

#actually autistic #trust issues #abandonment issues #autism #trauma #autistic crushing

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

Hey I see you answer a lot of asks so I hope this one isn't too much. I'm in my 20's, I'm a lesbian, and I've never had a girlfriend or been on a date in my life. I'm embarrassed about it and I'm afraid to tell any woman that. I can't relate to lesbians my age. It's very isolating. I also only have straight friends. All of them have boyfriends so I basically never see them. I live in a place with very few gay people, let alone for gay people to meet. I also have a disability as well as a very bad eating disorder. I've tried dating apps once but it never got past the talking stage. Traveling is hard because of my disability as well, so I think that's why too. Lately it all feels hopeless. I genuinely hate being a lesbian and I don't know if a way to meet other lesbians in my position who want a genuine relationship beyond a hook up or a friend. It's been making me suicidal, being in long-term isolation. It's hard enough to not relate to most people on a fundamental level, and it just hurts to not have anyone want you, or have a way to find someone who does. I don't know where to go from here or how to make a better situation out of this. I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just venting.

It’s not too much. I’m so sorry it’s taken my a while to get to it though 💕💕 and I’m so sorry you are going through such a rough time.

I might sound like an hypocrite saying this but I really hope that you believe me; you have NOTHING to feel embarrassed about. Trust me, I fully sympathies with why might and understand the amount of pressure and shame you can feel by not reaching certain milestones by a certain age. And it can feel so incredibly lonely to feel like you are on the sidelines of it all. And I’m genuinely so sorry you are going through that right now. But you don’t have anything to feel embarrassed about. There are many women in the same situation as you. And also most women of they are decent won’t care about that sort of stuff. And if you want a positive spin on it - your first love is always a special one. And you’ll get to experience that at a better and more mature age. You’ll have a chance to feel it deeper and maybe even have a better chance of maintaining it.

I’m also so sorry you feel so isolated from other lesbians your age :( I truly wish I had some advice or guidance I could give you for that, but I’m in the same boat and I haven’t quite figured that one out yet. But what I do hope with all my heart is that you are able to one day find sometime or someone (be they lesbian or not) who you can see yourself in and who makes you happy to be born as you were. I like to believe there is something out there for everyone that will one day make them think “I’m glad I’m me. I wouldn’t have gotten this otherwise” and I hope you find that 💕💕

I’m really sorry about your disability and ED as well :( Again I don’t know if I really have any advice, but just know I’m there with you on that. And I recognise it’s a horrible crap situation and it sucks and you don’t deserve it at all.

Anon I know that isolation is horrible. Believe me I know. I’m there too. Isolation and loneliness are some of the cruelest and most painful things that can happen to someone. We are social creatures. We NEED other people. And not having that can almost feel like being denied air at some points. And I guess considering my track record it’s not necessarily my place to say, because I might just sound like I’m spewing stuff out or talking crap , but anon death would be so much lonely. It really would. I know change feels like it will never come or it’s just not worth waiting for anymore. And maybe your life feels monotonous right now. But change is inevitable. Change WILL come. It has to. Literally nothing can stay the exact same forever. And you’ve been so brave and so strong up until this point. And I’m genuinely so sorry you’ve had to be. But you deserve to reach that day where you can say “I’m glad I’m me” and I KNOW you will. I absolutely know it. It might take a while. And waiting might make you angry and sad and frustrated - that’s okay. I feel that way too. But please stay strong for yourself. Because being able to say that will be one of the best things and you deserve that explosion of happiness more then anything.

I’m sorry you are going through all this. But I truly hope things get a bit lighter for you soon. You are such a beautiful soul and I love you 💕💕💕

I hope you have a beautiful and happy day. ✨✨🌻🌻🌻🌻

#asks #anon #answered #tw #trigger warning #tw ed #tw sui implied

[sssardonian-ssserpent]

Spill the Tea

((I get a bit heavy here. Please don’t read this if you know it might effect you negatively.))

((Honestly I’m just super unsure about everything at the moment. Unsure about the future, unsure about what may happen in the coming years, and frankly, it’s been harder and harder to convince myself that anything will be ok. That I won’t ever get away from the situation I’m in now, or that I’ll ever be able to achieve the dreams that I’ve been hoping to get and I’ll just end up stuck in a rut of capitalism for the rest of my life, wasting away the time I have in a slog of working, eating, and sleeping until I’m cold in my grave.

I know I have plenty of time, I know that anything can happen, but everything honestly just feels so damn hopeless, and it’s hard to keep myself going at all. And this site is frankly one of the few things that can distract me from it all, but it still drains me and leaves me feeling tired every time I try and participate in anything that goes on, and sometimes the lack of attention my other blogs get tends to make me think that I’m not that wanted on here. I know that’s not true, and I know that working on the other blogs and developing them will help, but it’s something that tends to just whisper sometimes in the back of my mind, and I don’t want to say anything about it because I know how exhausting it is to constantly validate and comfort and soothe other people without getting any yourself, and I don’t want to put people in that position. I know I keep trying to make myself more involved, make myself more approachable, but it feels so horrid that even with my hobbies, I can’t help but feel exhausted when I muster up the energy to participate in anything. But I don’t want to take a break, because I know I won’t be able to stay away.

I’m just…feeling really tired, with everything right now. It’s a lot. Sorry if I’m not making sense.

#mun post #ooc post #negativity #tw: negativity

[recreancyrpg]

Under the cut, you will find the sample application for Admin Karli’s role of James Potter.  This sample is just a guideline for where to start - don’t feel as though you have to follow it for your own application. Just do whatever feels right to you and don’t hesitate to ask any questions or check out our application tips.

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME & PRONOUNS: Karli (she/her)

AGE: 31

TIMEZONE: CST

ACTIVITY LEVEL: The once a week minimum activity requirement won’t be difficult for me, especially with summer coming up. I work in mental health in education, so I’m about to go on summer break, which is why I made this rp during this time!

ANYTHING ELSE: N/A - bring it on, baby!

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: James Charlus Potter

AGE: 24

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Cis-Male, He/Him, Heteroflexible. So far, James has only dated woman, but now without a partner he’s attached to, who knows what’ll happen? He’s comfortable with giving affection - no toxic masculinity here as he hugs his friends and can be found cuddling them even when they’d rather push him off. While there’s been nothing romantic about it yet, James might be more flexible than he lets on. However, he’s also got stupid straight boy vibes, so he might just be hopeless.

BLOOD STATUS: Pureblood

HOUSE ALUMNI: Gryffindor

ANY CHANGES: Nothing, I wrote it!

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY: 

The first thing people often notice about James is that he’s extremely outgoing. He’s often at the center of attention - laughing with people, joking around, enjoying those eyes on him. What people notice less are the moments where he shies away from that - slinks off with his friends to do something he actually cares about. James is really good at staying positive. He’s friendly and charming and a lot of people like him - but there’s only a handful of people he can truly be vulnerable around. Without the Marauders, he likely would’ve grown up with a lot of “friends” but not really any friends. He’s an extrovert-introvert - people only see the one side of him because that’s the side he shows, but he really gains his energy from being around his people. It’s rare for him to truly let someone in but, when he does, they might be surprised to learn what they do about him.

He’s loyal - almost to a fault. Extremely biased towards the people he loves, it’s hard for James to see their faults. This leads him to being overly forgiving to his friends - something he’d done for Sirius after the prank in school, not realizing how hurt he must’ve made Remus feel at minimizing Sirius’ behavior. In canon, James’ trust leads to his and Lily’s demise. Convinced that none of his friends could be the spy, he dies for it - and he’ll very likely have problems within this set-up as well. While others are convinced there’s a spy, James has a hard time believing any of them (except maybe fucking Snivellus) would be that. And he definitely doesn’t think it’s any of his friends. He doesn’t understand why either Sirius or Remus would blame one another - they’re the Marauders! He can be too trusting in that way.

James can be naïve. He doesn’t understand his own privilege, while also relying on that privilege. Because of this, he didn’t listen when Lily said he had something to worry about with dating her. He’d thought it would be fine because he said so. His blood status kept him safe and therefore he wasn’t ready for it when he was captured. 

James is confident, oftentimes nearing arrogance. Having grown up with his expectations and wants met, he assumes he just knows what will happen next. He loves fiercely - holds on tight. It’s sometimes hard for him to let go of something he should let go of. An emotional person, he often wears his heart on his sleeve. This doesn’t make him the best dueler, as he tends to give away his next move to his opponent, but it makes him a good friend. It can also hurt him - when he’s struggling, it’s bad. It takes a lot to make James just shut down, but when he’s sad, it’s easy to tell. Sometimes, his emotions make him impulsive and reckless. 

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY: 

(Note: I do not follow the guidelines of Pottermore’s backstory for James or his family.)

Charlus and Akari Potter met late in life, long after Charlus’ years as an eligible bachelor were over. He’d given up, at that point, hopes of finding a suitable wife and had poured himself into his work at the Ministry of Magic’s Department of International Magical Cooperation. He’d met Akari during his work in Japan, her upbringing far from his own, and had fallen in love with her. They were old enough, they’d thought, and decided not to wait. Married within just a few short months, Charlus had taken her back to England with him to live at the Potter Estate, tearing her away from her country, her entire family, and all she’d ever known. With him working and her at home, it wasn’t long before their first – and only – son was born. It had been a hard pregnancy due to Akari’s age and the healer recommended against trying for a second. It did not matter to either of them – James was enough. A pureblood son who was brilliant and charming and handsome rolled into one.

James had a rather lonely childhood, however. Living without close neighbors and with all of his parents’ friends having kids much older than him, James found ways to pass the time on his own. His mother taught him from home, where he learned the basics, such as how to read, write, and do arithmetic, along with an introduction to magic. She had a spirituality about her that came from a long line of her family back home. She told him about Japanese mythology - how the Gods in the stories valued empathy and emotions, leading to a life where one understands that they are part of an interdependent society. She’d talked of a different sort of importance rather blood status – and his father agreed. Or he’d said he did. It was the more polite thing to do, of course. Prejudices were less becoming in more recent days – what with new laws and rights for muggleborns. Back in Charlus’ day, Hogwarts had barely allowed them into the school, after all. But Charlus could not understand what the whole fuss was about. There had already been changes in the world – why were some groups calling for more?

As James grew older and gained insight from peers, he started to create his own sense of right and wrong. Still, it was hard to see his parents’ faults, especially the father whom he looked up to so much. It’s why he could ignore the subtle look of concern on Charlus’ face when James brought home Lily for the first time after graduation. It was hard for him to believe that his dad might think like some of the people James was fighting against - even if he wasn’t acting on it. Prejudice was hard to combat. The blinders he had towards his father’s own prejudices - though subtle, unintentional - didn’t come down all at once, but rather more slowly. Not even after Charlus’ death (old age and disease didn’t go hand-in-hand), and then Akari following close behind, could truly break it down.

For his own part, the only inkling of prejudice James has really experienced was meeting Lily’s sister and brother-in-law back when they were still together and things were still good. Vernon had stared at James with narrowed eyes, asking him just what he was. Confused, James had answered human, not realizing that the man was talking about his race in a very bigoted way. It was the first time he’d even felt a fraction of what Lily had felt.

It wasn’t until James was trapped in that dungeon below some Death Eater’s house (he’s still not sure where he was being held) that he really examined what led him to get to that point. With nothing but time, James had reflected on the numerous overheard comments about him and Lily - his father’s friends often saying James was just in a phase or commenting on how young wizards often experiment before the real thing. It forced him to consider that maybe his father himself hadn’t been as perfect as he’d thought - that the world was full of prejudices that he wasn’t even aware of. Now that James is out of captivity, he understands things more than ever before, but that doesn’t mean the subtle messages he grew up with aren’t still swimming around in his unintentional actions.

OCCUPATION: 

James is unemployed - or, as he’d call it, a full-time Order member. When his father died, he inherited the vault at Gringotts and it’s enough money to keep himself - and sometimes Remus or other people he cares about - living comfortably. He would prefer to devote himself to the cause, rather than sit at some stuffy job he could care less about. He has no idea what he wants to do after the war (if he makes it; he’s more aware of his own mortality than ever before now) and figures he’ll just cross that bridge when it happens.

LIVING SITUATION: 

James lives in a cottage at Godric’s Hollow. When he’d “died,” his family’s estate had been sold off and the money was placed in his vault at Gringotts since there was no one else that had been established as benefactor. But his family had another location - a smaller, less expensive place in one of the Wizarding World’s hidey holes.

Since he’d been sharing a flat with Lily before his disappearance, he’d said fuck it when she’d broken up with him and moved out, letting her do whatever she wanted with the place. Godric’s Hollow was already there. Good enough for him. It’s scarcely decorated - definitely a bachelor’s pad - but he could care less.

While it’s technically his “home base” of sorts, James rarely spends much time there. He’d never admit it out loud, but being alone feels scary since getting back from captivity. He’d prefer to be where people are - and, more often than not, finds himself crashing on random couches of Order members, despite having enough money to really buy whatever he wanted.

ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: 

Before his disappearance, James was on the up and up of leadership within the Order. He wasn’t the best dueler of everyone, but he was good - especially when fighting next to Sirius. That wasn’t why James had gotten the responsibility to lead missions, however. The older Order members had recognized his ability to bring people together like no one else. Just look at his friends, they’d said. Without James, they would’ve all been floundering, people who might have not belonged anywhere. 

James found strength in rallying members, keeping things positive. His surety made people feel reassured, helped them fight better or agree to things they might’ve not before. He knew they were doing the right thing here - he knew the Order would come out on top, even when things weren’t going well. That confidence helped others sink just a little less, made them more hopeful, and that was just as important as the ability to fight on a battlefield.

Even now, after his return, he truly believes in the Order. While he might not have joined strictly for the cause, he does believe in it - and that desire to stop Voldemort has become stronger than ever as he barely made it back alive. The problem is that, now that he’s back, he no longer really has a place. Where he’d once been a leader, others have taken over - Peter, for instance, where the hell did that come from? - and the older members who had once trusted in James are worried that he’s actually on the brink of breaking. He doesn’t know how to prove to them that he’s fine - he’s ready for more - because there are some days where maybe he doesn’t feel fine at all.

RELATIONSHIPS:

(I’m writing these off the basis of the bios, but anything can be changed with player portrayals, ideas, and through plotting. This is just a basis to start!)

Before his capture, his closest relationships had been with Lily Evans, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. Lily and him had been fighting, sure - with Lily worrying about their blood status difference and what it might do to him - but nothing they couldn’t work out, James was sure of it. But now, with her digging her feet in on those feelings and going as far to break up with him, it’s much more complicated than that. He still loves her, but he also hates her, and those two things are ever contradicting. His broken heart sometimes leads to him doing stupid shit or saying mean things, but he’d also like her to come to her senses and just be with him again.

At least he still has Sirius. His best friend is ever loyal (there’s a reason his animagus form is a dog) and, while things are going well between him and James, it’s still not the same without the others. Sirius and him always had a bit of different relationship than James had with Remus or Peter - and, since Sirius is always there for him, it still feels solid. But Sirius is also slipping into a place where James can’t follow and he’s taking Lily with him. James will never understand this Dark Magic thing. After all, it’s the same magic that had tortured him for months!

As for Remus and Peter, he’s not angry with them the way Sirius is. But James had unintentionally chosen a side anyway by spending the most time with Sirius. He doesn’t mean to - he still loves Remus and Peter - but he’d come back to this mess! Peter is suddenly busier than ever, while Remus is retreating into his shell. James, who had acted as the glue once upon a time, has no idea how to get them back as a unit.

The Marauders aren’t the only group in his life anymore. Going through torture brings people together and he finds himself sticking with the four other captives more than he’d planned. They understand that things are so different now. He knows the way they sound when they cry or scream or even take a shit, for Merlin’s sake. There’s not much they can’t share anymore. Gideon had been the stable one - the oldest, the calmest, the voice of reason - while James had taken up the role of determined dolt. The hot head who would offer himself up in someone else’s place whenever he could, goad the Death Eater’s into choosing him by making fun of them. Marlene had been the smartest of the group - she’d given them all advice on what to say, how to handle their torture sessions, how to not sink into their own minds. And Emmeline - poor Emme, who had only been in the Order a few short months before being taken. James knows what people say about her - that she’s weak, broken - but fuck all if they think he won’t hex them if he hears them say something about Emmeline to his face. She’s stronger than she looks - she’d survived, after all.

Not everyone understands James, of course. Lily’s people have chosen a side. James always got along with Dorcas Meadowes back when Lily and him were together - and it’s not like they don’t like one another anymore - but Dorcas is definitely Lily’s friend and it shows. And apparently another friend has returned, too. Suspiciously timed, Severus Snape joined the Order shortly after James “died.” James knows exactly what Snivellus is doing - can see right through him, even if others can’t.

There’s also Dirk Cresswell, who James doesn’t know very well, but who had apparently watched Benjy Fenwick die while on search for James - who can’t look James in the eye for some odd reason. James doesn’t know what to make of it all, but Dirk seems like an alright guy. And Caradoc Dearborn, who looks at James as though he’s an idiot, but also is the owner of the best pub in the Wizarding World. Caradoc is one of the members making the decisions, so maybe it would be in James’ best interest to prove Caradoc wrong about him.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS: 

While I have a special place in my heart for James/Lily, I ultimately ship chemistry. This is war and things are stressful and strained - and James and Lily aren’t even together. I’m seriously open to explore whatever feels realistic and right in that moment. James is a free agent right now and I wouldn’t be surprised if he buries himself in someone else, if only to forget about the horrors of his torture and the war as a whole. It could also mean James never finds someone else. I’m here to explore all types of relationships, so I’m not really fussed about the shipping. I just want to see what happens!

INTERPERSONAL STRUGGLES: 

James isn’t James Freaking Potter anymore, but that’s who he’s used to being. People view him differently after his disappearance and he doesn’t know how to make of it. His goal was to get back - and he didn’t really think about what he’d do if things changed after doing so. He hadn’t expected things to be so different. For him to be so different. He’s trying to be the same person he’s always been - and sometimes it’s easy, while other times it feels really fake. 

Without leadership in the Order, he doesn’t know what else to do. He doesn’t have a job - or even a girlfriend or a solid friend group anymore - so the added time he has isn’t good for him. He’s always trying to jump in to help whenever he can, getting angry when people don’t trust him like he used to.

I’m open to James fucking up - for him to making mistakes that hurt others, either physically because of something wrong he does in battle, or emotionally because of something he says. His temper is shorter now than it used to be and he’s pushing any feeling he had about his disappearance to the wayside. If he says he’s okay, then it’ll be easier to actually be okay, right?

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 

I made it so that’s what brought me here! What I’m most looking forward to is that exploration of nothing being black or white. Without having the Death Eaters being playable (outside of the spies), there can’t just be a simple “these are the bad guys, these are the good.” I want to see some interpersonal conflicts - especially with James, who is suddenly returned after “dying” and has no idea where he fits. I’m also really looking forward to doing realistic war-related things… such as character injuries, deaths, being taken into questioning, missions, you name it!

PLOT DROP IDEAS (OPTIONAL): N/A. I have plot drop ideas, but I will be saving that for admins duties and official plotlines.

ANYTHING ELSE? Nothing!

#harry potter rp #harry potter roleplay #harry potter rpg #marauders rp #marauders roleplay #sample application #james potter #accepted application #james potter app

[freakscircus]

Hi Dani. I’ve been going through some really complicated emotions in my relationship. My boyfriend and I started dating right before the pandemic. He is an addict and when we started dating he had over a year of sobriety. Then the pandemic hit, he lost his job, couldn’t pay his rent and he relapsed. I didn’t know it at the time, so I had him move in w me at my parents house. Now it’s 2 years later and he is still struggling to get clean and unable to get a job. It’s so hard, bc it’s not like I’m trying to force him to get help and he doesn’t want to. His addiction has just gotten so severe that he has tried and failed and tried and failed. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this bc I’m scared of what other people will think. I know what I would think of it was my friend/sister in this situation. I’m afraid that people will think I’m stupid for staying w him and that I’m weak and being taken advantage of. And then that makes me question our entire relationship. It’s so confusing bc one second I’m happy and hopeful and so sure that we’re gonna get through this, and the next I feel doubtful and hopeless and terrified for the future. I can’t tell if these negative thoughts are due to the perceptions/judgments of other people, or if that’s how I truly feel. How do you know what your true feelings are, and when you have conflicting feelings, how do you know which one to follow?

hi sorry this took me so long to answer! i wanted to give it my undivided attention! i've gotten a few questions like this and i always hesitate to sound harsh because i know when it is your situation and you are inside it, it is very hard to build boundaries.

firstly - you are not stupid for wanting to be hopeful around your partnership and anyone who judges you is frankly pretty cruel and probably does not understand your situation.

secondly - that is to say, it is really hard to love someone who is struggling. something i've learned in the past is that you can't do one sided work to fix a relationship when someone else isn't putting in equal work, not only on themselves but on your partnership. that doesn't necessarily mean your partner is taking advantage of you or is a bad person, but it might mean that right now this person does not have the capacity to be a good partner. that means it might be time for you to set some sort of boundaries.

thirdly - i think as women (i am assuming your gender, sorry!) we are encouraged sometimes to be martyrs for our partner and "stand by our man" no matter what, but this can take a huge toll and breed resentment, which it sounds like may already be somewhat happening. i think it is very noble and kind to be there for your partner unconditionally, but like i said above, if they are not able to put in that same effort to care for themselves or the relationship, you kind of have to ask yourself what needs to change. this can be a very hard question and honestly quite devastating to come to terms with. but it sounds like what you have been doing recently has not been working. sometimes if someone is not a position to be what we need, we have to adjust our relationship, our boundaries, or maybe even let them go. hoping for change without any evidence that change is being worked toward is not the best strategy for happiness. i would begin to maybe reach out to someone who cares about you who you can talk to, or even better - a therapist (i love my therapist so much and she has helped me through some very hard decisions) in order to start to ask yourself what these changes and boundaries may look like. maybe also pursuing resources whether that be a therapist with a specific specialty around relationships and/or addiction, literature on the topic, or even talking to ex-addicts about what it means to have a partner who is an addict. it may be that your partner needs to work on themselves by themselves and get to that path on their own. i can't really say. but i would strongly encourage you to explore the idea of change, whatever that may look like, so you aren't miserable and waiting around for something that may not ever happen. i know that can sound cruel to a struggling partner, but you also have to think of yourself and your own well being too.