#He choose that of his own violation. No one else even knew he was going to do that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

letteredlettered · 7 days

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Lest you think I only have good things to say about TGCF forever--well, that's ultimately true but I'm also ultimately annoyed about the treatment of Hua Cheng as a character.

Listen. Wanting to put your god on a pedestal and lick the floor for him/die for him/efface your entire self for him AND fuck him through the floor/violate every part of his body until he begs for mercy/tease him and embarrass him so much he can't stand his own skin AND live as BFF husbands on somewhat even footing are three very different things.

I want to see how Hua Cheng reconciles being quite honestly ready to murder the first person in sight because Xie Lian had some slight question about his devotion to his god's cause, with purposely embarrassing him and teasing him and calling him gege. But we don't really get anything about his private thoughts? He is never presented as having inner conflicts, other than regret that Xie Lian has suffered pain?

Like, there is a suggestion that he knows his obsession with Xie Lian and the ways in which he is obsessed could be seen as creepy and freakish, but it gets washed away when Xie Lian says it doesn't bother him and still wants to kiss him. There are several demonstrations of his self-loathing, and yet it doesn't get aired like everyone else's dirty laundry does.

And then there's the part where you find out that Hua Cheng has sacrificed a part of his body rather than any part of a group of humans who were doomed to die anyway. And you know that this is a huge deal for him, because the whole reason he was with those humans at Mt Tonglu was so that he could be strong enough to come back to Xie Lian and protect him. Except we also know that again, Hua Cheng had no compunction about helping Xie Lian commit genocide and regocide and countless murders; like he had no interest or respect for human life at all when it came to doing whatever Xie Lian bid him to do. So it's in fact a huge fucking deal that in the end, Hua Cheng would rather hurt himself than anybody else, except that is not really explored in the novel.

I mean, you can say that the only reason Hua Cheng-as-Wuming didn't care about murders was that Xie Lian wanted the murders, which made the murders all justified in Wuming's mind, and, that since Xie Lian wasn't there at Mt Tonglu, Hua Cheng just had to go with his own instincts instead of Xie Lian wanting murders, so in the end Hua Cheng's own instinct was self-sacrifice. You could also say, I guess, that Hua Cheng hated his eye anyway so it's not the same sort of sacrifice it would have been had it been another body part.

But even if that's the case, I'd want it to be explored. Like, isn't it likely that Hua Cheng chose self-sacrifice because he knew Xie Lian would choose self-sacrifice, because he knew that a Xie Lian not driven mad with grief and pain would not want to harm others to further his own cause? At the same time, Hua Cheng is not shown to make choices that will align with Xie Lian's values at other parts in the book. In fact, Hua Cheng consciously and purposely makes choices that he thinks could or even would disgust Xie Lian, because it's more important to Hua Cheng to make those choices if they protect and preserve Xie Lian than it is for Hua Cheng to make choices that would make Xie Lian look at him fondly or proudly. So, it's such a big deal that deep down, Hua Cheng does want to care about and protect others, even people who aren't Xie Lian, but it's just mentioned in passing at almost the very end and never explored.

And then these 800 years, what was Hua Cheng even doing? I mean, I get it, it takes a lot of time to carve ten thousand statues, especially the ones where you need to get his cock just right for....reasons, but I thought we were going to get some kind of explanation of what he did during this time. Why did he decide to finally approach Xie Lian when he did? Like, I think the conversation between Xie Lian and Hua Cheng-as-the-little-ghost-fire is supposed to explain part of why Hua Cheng stayed away for so long--XL says "if your beloved knows you couldn't find peace just because you wanted to protect them, wouldn't they feel guilty?" And the ghost says that then he would just protect his beloved from afar.

But was Hua Cheng protecting Xie Lian? Because it seems like Xie Lian getting trampled to death (as "General" Hua) and then getting killed and buried in a coffin (as State Preceptor Fengxin) is not very protective? Like, Hua Cheng did a bad job there.

It seems like the fics I'm reading are going with the idea that Hua Cheng couldn't find Xie Lian. Hua Cheng does say he did search for Xie Lian and couldn't find him, but we know this is a bald-faced lie. Hua Cheng says this when Xie Lian asks him if Hua Cheng ever saw him outside of Xianle, because Xie Lian has become concerned that Hua Cheng saw his downfall after his banishment and his descent into genocidal madness before his second ascension. But we know that Hua Cheng did see that, which means Hua Cheng is very much lying about not being able to find Xie Lian after the fall of Xianle.

But sure, you can posit that after Hua Cheng-as-Wuming almost disperses all the way and then comes back, he can't find Xie Lian again. I think you can also assume that Wuming's dispersal is more total and complete than Hua Cheng's dispersal after he breaks Xie Lian's shackles, so I think you can easily posit that it takes Hua Cheng at least a century to return as a complete person after Xie Lian's second ascension/banishment. And I can imagine that even after fully returning amassing wealth and power takes time, but here's where I get stumped--Hua Cheng is does not read as someone who would sit around and wait to have enough wealth and power to protet Xie Lian before trying to protect Xie Lian. I imagine that the first thing he does as soon as he can like, move independently in the world is look for him, even if only to help him from afar. And yet, as previously stated...Xie Lian really didn't seem like he got much help in those 800 years.

Perhaps we can assume that once Xie Lian ascends (why does he ascend the third time? Never addressed? Also annoyed about this) Black Water/Earth Master/He Xuan now can report on Xie Lian's exact whereabouts, but there's still no good explanation for why super over-powered Hua Cheng would not be able to find Xie Lian for 800 years. I mean, it's not exactly a needle in a haystack here. Xie Lian is a singular person. Just follow disaster, honestly. I guess Hua Cheng didn't know about the shackle on Xie Lian's luck, but he has figured out a lot of Xie Lian's past, right? I don't understand why he hasn't figured that out.

(And another thing--does Hua Cheng even know why Xie Lian got banished the second time? Does he even know that Xie Lian asked for the shackles? Doesn't he want to know everything he possibly can about Xie Lian? If he's unwilling to ask, I'd understand, but again--everyone else's dirty laundry gets out there, but here there's this thing that is so central to Hua Cheng's and Xie Lian's relationship, unexplored.)

My problem isn't that Hua Cheng lives and exists for Xie Lian. That's who he is, and I think I wouldn't like or love him as a character if I thought he needed to have more in his life than his single-minded devotion. But single-minded devotion can contain a lot more dimension and conflict than I think ultimately got explored, and there are and some super salient events in his life that are really defining moments. It makes him feel a lot more one-dimensional than I feel like the character is set up to be.

The fic so far honestly gives him a more interesting treatment, imo. He's a lot more tortured about whether to fuck or worship and how to do both, which I guess I'm ultimately saying is what I really want from that character. I find him deeply lovable, interesting, and fascinating, I just didn't think the book really spent time with the most interesting parts of him.

#hua cheng #tgcf

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isaactheterrible · 1 year

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TF2 Mercs Yandere Version

Trigger Warning: Violence, Abusive Behavior, Stalking

(Disclaimer: This is based on the TF2 comics and the personalities of the mercs in them, this is what I kind yandere I personally think the mercs would be. Gender neutral reader)

1.Medic

-Obssessive medical yandere

-100% will kidnap you

-Will probably spend years studying you

-Vivisecting you, dismembering you, pulling you apart and putting you back together, learning everything about you

-You're his special interest he loves spending hours studying and memorizing everything there is to know about you

-Probably the most awful and dangerous out of all them, has no regard for your feelings or safety after all if you die he can just put you back together

2.Scout

-Delusional yandere

-He knows the two of you are meant to be and hey! You are probably already together, you're just taking things slow that's all he's sure of it

-Buys little items that remind him of you such as the same shampoo as you

-Obsessed with chivalry, keeps insisting that he pay for you despite him not always having the funds to do so, insists you wear his jacket even if he's freezing his balls off ect

-Gets jealous easily due to how insecure he is

-He keeps acting like the two of you are dating but won't cross your physical boundaries

-Would never hurt you physically but he will completely break down if you get with someone else

-Takes him days to get out of his depression room, he has convinced himself you'll choose him eventually

-Not that dangerous, at most he'll get into a fistfight with your S/O in a Wendy's parking lot

3.Demoman

-Two-faced yandere

-He fell for you the moment he saw you, he just knew you were the one

-Tries to befriend you at first but almost immediately introduces you to his mother, the two of you need to get along otherwise it's a deal breaker

-If you passed the test he's already planning your wedding and future

-He does his best to clean up his act and be the ideal image of the perfect man and future husband to you

-He doesn't steal from you or violate your boundaries but he will solve any "problems" that might get between you too

-He will kill anyone that threatens your perfect life, serial killer on the side

-He trust you because he loves you but it's best that you never betray that trust

-Not that dangerous for you but extremely dangerous to everyone around you

4.Heavy

-Overly protective yandere

-He will kidnap you and force you to live in a cold cabin in Siberia in the middle of nowhere

-For your own good of course, he has tons of enemies and he needs to keep you safe, the world can't know of your existence

-You could try to run but there's nowhere to go, nothing but cold and snow for kilometers around

-You are stuck there essentially forever cause he doesn't believe you can actually protect yourself without him

-Incredibly boring, all that exists is cold and books and we'll him

-You are slowly going insane in the place

-Very dangerous yandere, he won't kill you but you'll end up chained for years potentially if you try to leave, why can't you just understand he wants to protect you?

5.Pyro

-Codepended Nightmare

-You will never be alone again, clingiest MF

-Good thing is that they don't need that much attention, just being around you and maybe napping on your shoulder is enough

-You're one of the only things that bring them joy

-Will draw you a lot and give you lots of little trinkets and gifts

-If you force them to go in a different room they'll sit outside the door waiting for you

-Not that jealous or possessive will be happy to have other people around

-Might hurt you out of pain and anger if you try to leave

-Pretty dangerous to both you and your safety

6.Engineer

-Possessive Yandere

-He has strong abandonment uses and is convinced you'll leave him for someone else if you ever get that chance

-Will isolate you and sabotage your relationships, at first from anyone he sees as competition and then everyone else as well

-He doesn't do it from a place of wanting to own you but from a place of insecurity

-Might kidnap you if you try to leave but only as a last resort, he really doesn't want to hurt you but he'd rather do it than be alone again

-Very dangerous mostly cause he prioritizes his desire for companionship over your right to freedom

7.Soldier

-Absolute nutcase and menace to society

-He fell in love with you, congratulations you're technically married now!

-You are pretty much stuck with him, you two are joined at the hip with him ranting about whatever to you

-Would do ANYTHING for you, except leave you alone of course

-Not at all jealous and pretty chill about your obvious discomfort and escape attempts

-He can't and won't listen to reason, he's too far gone

-Not particularly pushy but very volatile

-That being said he's still incredibly dangerous

8.Spy

-Controlling ass mf

-On the positive side you will be showered in gifts and luxuries

-On the negative side you get to choose pretty much nothing about your life

-You have an image to maintain so your friends, your clothing, your food, the places you go to are all completely out of your control

-You will probably quickly lose your sanity and if you do you will be shipped off to the highest quality glorified re-education mental hospital

-The doctors aren't here to help you their here to make you more obedient

-Run away as far as you can but he'll always find you, he's a danger to you and all your loved ones, willing to destroy you if it means controlling you

9.Sniper

-Stalker

-Has entire folders and USB sticks dedicated to you

-Knows your social security number by heart, your current location, your address, your friends, any dangerous people in your area, EVERYTHING

-Watches from afar helping here and there like a guardian angel

-Has put cameras and voice recording devices in your house

-He doesn't collect memorabilia such as t-shirts or other forgotten items

-He does take a lot of pictures and his room is a bit of a messy shrine to you

-Absolutely shook if you approach him first, it's just too much for him he's experiencing too much emotion and might hide away out of embarrassment

-Not that dangerous as he has no interest in intervening with your life unless it's about your safety

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lutawolf · 1 year

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TharnType Episode 4

My other reviews can be found here. In each of my posts, I find myself having to constantly explain why problematic art is necessary, but it's also about rights. If someone is allowed to tell you what is appropriate art, they are essentially telling you how to think and feel. It negates the ability to think for yourself, and I will fight tooth and nail for that.

As many of you have seen from my reviews, there are toxic things in what MAME writes, but there are good things too. A lot of important things that can be learned from even problematic art. History is filled with people who've grabbed artworks, from paintings to books and put them away, saying they were not appropriate or okay. Dictatorships that states that as a society we are incapable of censoring itself. It was someone else saying that they knew what was best for us, even though there was no harm.

That's the reason I don't have ownership and rights over my own body. Because someone else said they have the right to decide for me. That they would tell me what to do with my body because, I might not make the decision they deem correct. And before I hear comments of, body rights aren't the same as what these bls are doing. It's all about taking away a person's right to choose and think for themselves.

I'll get off my soap box and start this episode. Sorry! 😘 We start off the series with Type being shredded online by people who assume they have a right to. Never mind that they violated his space and his rights. And people are ganging up on Type despite only hearing one part of the narrative. There is a lot to take in and digest in this work, it's not one dimensional at all.

Tharn comes in looking at Type with pity, which is going to grind a victim/survivor's gears. We want your understanding, not your pity. I'm not going to tell you my story for sympathy, I don't fucking want it, I had enough of that to make me sick. Nothing will cause hackles to go up faster on a survivor than that look he is giving right there.

Why Type says is very valuable here. He says, do you hate me for what I said or are you using me as an excuse to diss homosexuals. Now think about it, Type didn't want to live with Tharn, but other than that we don't see talking shit about homosexuals. He doesn't want to associate, and he doesn't want them to touch him, but he doesn't say anything until Tharn because Tharn is in his space. He needs him out of his space because he's scare. Furthermore, he is fully aware that his hate is irrational, but he is unable to change it. Not necessarily because he doesn't want to, but because the block is so high and heavy. He sees this as his karma. Another indication that he is well aware that his hatred isn't right. MAME is trying to show that sometimes hatred has a deep seeded reason. Doesn't make that hatred right, but shouldn't we have compassion? Are all of us so guilt free and bias free that we have the right to not show compassion?

"Nosy and worry have two different meanings." Tharn is reacting to Type with kindness and it's making ripple effects. You can see it. Type recognizes it and puts up his angry wall to cover his weakness. Tharn sees through it though and grabs onto him. Type has been in days of regression and stress, so he immediately freaks. But Tharn only wants to be him to eat. Then they begin to talk and Tharn tells Type that he doesn't care what others think, he knows he is innocent. This is what breaks Type. Being seen. Tharn begs him to talk to him, but he wasn't expecting the reality of it. The way Type tells the story of his SA is very accurate. I don't know of another way of describing it. It's stark and direct while still carrying emotion. The book is actually much more descriptive, but accurately descriptive. In the book, it talks about sensory memory, which is not something that a nonvictim-survivor is going to think to describe. This is someone who knows exactly what they are talking about and, in my opinion, as someone very familiar with therapeutic writing. Is therapeutic writing. People don't want to hear your story, it hurts them, but it hurts us to keep it in.

Tharn stops him from telling anymore, and that's pretty normal too. When you care about someone, it is very difficult to listen to. When Type tells Tharn he hates him. He returns the comment with compassion. Not hate. Not how he shouldn't lump them all together. But with compassion. Why? Because Type is still hugging him as he says it. There are clear indicators that Type does not hate him or really gays, but he has hard limits that he can't handle.

Everything Type says is valid. Type is very uncomfortable with Tharn there. He just told him something personal and private, and he fears it getting out. Victims and Survivors rarely want their story out. I do it because you guys don't know who I am. I'm anon behind this computer, but in real life. Well, some do because I went to court, but I'm sure as shit not sharing my story. I don't want that pity. That's exactly what Type is worried about, but instead Tharn steps up. He didn't have to, this was an act of love.

Tharn tells Type that he tells them that he likes him. Tharn bites his lip and let's go of his angry death grip. He doesn't hit or yell at him. There is no act of aggression like before. What does this say. It says before we saw acts of homophobia from Type because he was scared. Not, there is a comfort level with Tharn to where he doesn't feel that fear anymore. "We almost tore each other heads off, but if you try to understand him. You know he is a good guy."

Tharn admits that he over pushed his boundaries with Type. Which is what exacerbated the situation with them. He forces them to admit that they touched him. The thing to take from this is Tharn does realize that he is some of the trigger here, and that Type wouldn't typically react like this. He knew they had touched him without having to ask Type. "When people hate someone or something, they don't want to be near them. But you touched him and forced him for photos. How is he wrong if he got mad? And you never asked him why he hates or fears gays." Exactly Tharn, exactly. I mean, the same could be said for Tharn, but he's learning. Sometimes, you learn the hard way.

Type explaining about the media. See, victims and survivors don't like pity for a reason. Honesty leads to honesty. Tharn is honest about liking Type. Then he backs off. Before he would have kept pushing, but now he is backing it off and just letting Type think. See the smile that Tharn gives when Type just lays down. It's a win. There is no anger or raging. He just lays down. No comfort blanket.

Type comes back to the dorm and is his normal aggressive self. Remember, though, that this is used to cover his emotions. Tharn has started to figure this out, hence the smile when Type asked why he came back early. There is now an open, honest communication there, while Type is still using a macho man attitude to hide his insecurities. He isn't lashing out and attacking. There is a release to talking about your trauma, and Tharn gave him that, then he protected him. There was already attraction, but now there are feelings. Type is naturally going to fight this, but Tharn, he understands Type now. Which makes him harder to fight. There is no anger, just compassion, caring, and love. Which is what a victim/survivor longs for.

In the book when Type asks Tharn to sleep with him and Tharn asks who will top. It's pretty accurate, too, and many of you who have read enough of my blog would recognize some things. Such as Type talking about vomiting at the idea. How many of you were even aware that was something at a lot of survivors still do, even years later? The reason why I bring this up, is because I have had so many people be like, "I never heard that MAME was a survivor." Well, it's all right there to see. She doesn't need to verbally tell you. She is telling you through her art, you just have to look.

Type Now, Tharn is one hundred percent aware that Type is not having sex with him due to owing. He knows the attraction is there. He's very politely not calling Type out on it. For Type's part, he's just lying to himself. Which is very human nature. We can clearly see whose experienced sexually and who isn't. Fyi in the book Tharn started having sex at a very early age and admits to being basically a man whore. While Type has had one high school gf.

Book Excerpt: Tharn took out a hand and stroked my back and my tight back muscles. Caressed me contentedly. I always wanted to get touched like that…

Type tells Tharn, "I'm a man, don't treat me as a woman." It's not meant to be a put down to women. It's mean as that macho cover up of, I am never weak. Don't treat me as weak. Then, them going to the doctors to get test together is one of my favorite parts. It's the way Tharn now talks to Type. It's a charming, begging, and canoodling type of way. And it works like a charm, in the way that anger and commands wouldn't work on Type. And Tharn's face, all huge smile when Type says sex only.

Did anybody pay attention to Tharn's sex story? Notice his face. He might be saying it was consensual, and maybe it doesn't haunt him like Type's does, but he regrets it whole heartily.

Techno inviting Tharn is to eat with them is so Techno. He is so shipping them hard. Tharn being thrilled that Type knows his favorite drink. The back and forth truly shows how they are perfect for each other. And can he preform his duty tonight. 🤣🤣🤣

Well, that it for this episode. Hope you guys found it insightful. 💜💜💜

#tharntype #thai bl series #bl series #luta talks tharntype #MAME #tharntype series

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thatswhatsushesaid · 1 year

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Xiyao?

oh!! xiyao is the otp to end all otps for me (@verdantrivers tagging you as well since you also asked about them, even tho you already know everything I'm going to write anyway)

ship it 🤌

What made you ship it? in the novel, it was absolutely the teacups scene. but uhhh this is embarrassing but I came into this fandom backwards, and so my first exposure to xiyao was the show! tl;dr I was looking for a show on netflix to fill the void left in my soul after the depressing end of The Rise of the Phoenixes, and someone somewhere rec'd The Untamed because "it's gay and the gays get a happy ending!!" me, a depressed bisexual, "oh, what a relief, I could use a happy ending for the gays after all that depressing straight people nonsense I just suffered through." (joke's on me, my chosen gays did not get their happy ending, I clowned myself) anyway, /scuffs foot, it was the box scene. their cute little shuffle over the box. the shy yet lingering eye contact. meng yao's eyes doing the thing that zhu zanjin has them do every time he looks at lan xichen for longer than a second, like he's noticing how beautiful starlight is for the first time, and lan xichen looking like meng yao just awoke something in him that he didn't even realize was there until that moment. meng yao's beautiful face journey when he sees lan xichen and rushes to say goodbye to him. like... I feel it bears mentioning at this point that I knew so little about this show or the canon source material that I literally thought that xiyao was going to be the main ship with the happy ending just based on this moment alone, and so you can imagine by dismay once I realized how tragically wrong I was. RIP past me. anyway, while I absolutely prefer jgy's characterization and arc in the novel canon, I will nevertheless die for the way lhk and zzj chose to bring xiyao to life on-screen. they did the reading.

What are your favorite things about the ship? besides the siren call of a decades' long near-romance that is doomed by the narrative, probably that when given a choice (or rather, when jgy believes that he has a choice), jgy and lxc always choose each other, both when the stakes are low and when they are extremely high. one bad faith and garbage take on their dynamic that I often see trotted out by jgy's harshest critics is that he exploits lxc's affection for him exclusively to cement his position within the lanling jin sect and to further his own ambitions, which seems like such a dull and reductive way to view the nearly two decades they spend together in each other's lives. I also just don't understand where this interpretation comes from?? is it just from jgy using the pass token to get the song of spirit turmoil from the library pavilion's forbidden section? because yes, that was a violation of lxc's trust, but also like... would there even have been a forbidden section in the library pavilion for him to steal from if jgy hadn't sacrificed so much of his dearly bought social and political capital upon gaining his recognition from jgs to help the gusu lan rebuild the cloud recesses? this is not me trying to diminish that violation of lxc's trust, but just to emphasize that jgy actually had very little to gain, politically speaking, at the time he pressed his father to provide aid to the extremely vulnerable and weak gusu lan, but he did it anyway, and he did it because he knew lxc needed the help. smaller stakes: given the choice between being in anyone else's company or each other's, they always gravitate towards each other in any space they occupy together, and that does things to me lol.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship? with very few exceptions, I don't enjoy lan-furen as a concept 🤷‍♀️ I didn't even fully understand why the lan-furen AUs didn't work for me until I read commentary specifically by you and @fincalinde and @confusion-and-more (I think) about how deeply jgy's pursuit of his birthright with the lanling jin is integral to his character. because I do remember reading objectively good and well-written lan-furen fic that should have been providing me with emotionally satisfying xiyao catharsis after getting hit by the truck that is the canon ending, and instead left me feeling like I'd eaten too many bites of a pie that was good yesterday but has already started to turn. idk that metaphor is getting away from me. also, more fics where jgy is the soft dom in the bedroom, please, that's my favourite jgy flavour.

#asks answered #xiyao #mdzs #mdzs meta #lan xichen #jin guangyao #he did crimes?? good for him 😌#flute solo 🎶

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theomnicode · 1 year

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How would you describe saitamas morality? I've seen him placed all over the moral "scale" when the topic comes up (though i cant say i understand the "lower" placements), so I'm interested in others thoughts on it

I'd say Saitama is a person with high morally good values and integrity.

Warning: long ass meta ahead about morality.

One of the ways Saitama's morality and his values are illustrated is in the dream which Saitama has, directly after Beefcake basically killed thousands of people and he did not bat an eye, because he was losing his capacity to empathize with people. Then he squished his own brother and Saitama again, did not bat an eye. On the contrary, he found malicious humour in it instead.

This fact started to bother him when he realized what was happening to him.

After he recalled the time when he started out as a hero and Beefcake incident, it subconsciously bothered him so much it manifested as dream where 70% of the population had died and someone he knew more closely had also died, because he had just been callous and feeling like he failed to act on his high sense of moral virtues and deserving some kind of punishment. Practically a Lucid dream based on his intuition alone that something was wrong. Not only that, but I believe it was his subconscious also showing him that even if he let go of his inhibitions and showed some actual emotions, his emotions would not steer him wrong towards his goal of being a protector, something he is afraid of.

And wouldn't you know, the first thing he did was punt the subterranean boss in the head. Then he went out and saved Genos.

This feeling of caring for people a lot and yet failing to act on his high moral virtues that he demands of himself once again rears it's head in the Saitama vs Garou fight where Saitama dumps his virtues in the trashbin, to not kill other humans by choosing to serious punch Garou.

The moral ambiguity moment comes from the fact that we do not actually know the outcome of the serious punch squared. We also have Blast as an example who's first priority was to get everyone else to safety, as a neat little counterpoint to Saitama's actions in the heat of the moment when he wasn't thinking clearly anymore.

Saitama acknowledges this wanting to punch Garou to smithereens as a moral failure on this part. Yet letting Garou just go around free is also not morally correct thing to do because he basically murdered people and would continue down that same path, so it is a moral dilemma for Saitama who has high sense of moral values.

It is further moral dilemma that he ends up destroying Jupiter and I.O when he tries to stop Garou though, one that he does not have a good justification for, because he was showing off with little care at that point. He was relying on his ability to show superiority to make him back down, but they did intentionally destroy the moon and Jupiter.

"For the greater good" is a slippery slope.

But the facts that he can question whether or not he is morally right or wrong and is highly critical of himself, is what makes him truly a high moral person in the end. If one never questions themselves, their sense of right and wrong and remains rigid in their interpretation without considering the circumstances, then sense of morality can end up becoming very black and white. More rigidness can mean less empathy if morality is cut and dry.

Saitama is always trying to improve himself as a person too, this includes his sense of morality. So in this sense, his moral code may change and/or improve when new evidence emerges.

True morality is not bound by ethics either, because someone can violate ethics all the time while thinking they are morally correct in doing so.

Saitama does not let societal rules, ethics, determine his sense of right and wrong. Ethics are a social construct that people often follow, such as law and culture and in this case, the ethics of killing monsters in world of OPM, but Saitama follows his moral compass without being bound by the expectations of the society he lives in and what is considered ethically acceptable and unacceptable.

Not to say he's ethical or unethical just because ethics and morals are different. Ethics and morality often go hand in hand, but distinction has to be made.

So when it comes to moral values that Saitama has, they are very high moral values. He's far from flawless, but he's always trying to do the right thing based on his set of moral values.

One of the ways to evaluate the person's type of moral values and integrity is when they uphold said values even when nobody is looking or holding them back.

Saitama has all the power to just get what he wants like punch the soda machine, even a little bit, just to get the soda he wanted, grab all the cash he wants when the car got wrecked and nobody would know. He would never have to be poor again. He has all the power in the world to do whatever he wants and infinite growth potential to boot and nobody would be able to oppose him.

But he won't. What he chooses to do instead is pick up litter and save a little kid held hostage. That would make him a morally good aligned person with high integrity.

Saitama at his core, believes in the good of people and that everyone can change if given the chance to do so, like he himself always strives to change himself to be a better person.

Which is one of the reasons why when Saitama thought he had Garou figured out, that Godrou dealt Moral injury on him.

Among other kinds of mental injuries he suffered like high emotional damage. Saitama was already moderately to highly stressed from everything that had happened before that and was relying on his dominant cognitive function, introverted intuition, to get him through the Garou fight as a stress reaction.

It was a Full KO in that sense.

Moral injury is defined as harm that is done to an individual when their most deeply held beliefs and values are violated.

Saitama could not believe that Garou could have done something as heinous as kill other people in cruel blood, just to taunt him and make him give his all because he instantly understood the motive behind it. That is the dark side of the personality type, capacity of understanding even if someone acts in completely heinous ways.

His willpower to maintain his self-control was already in shambles from the personal hell of MA arc, when he let Garou feel his negative emotions behind his carefully controlled mask. Saitama probably does not handle stress well at all.

(Which I've yet to make a meta about how well it's crafted to specifically destroy his willpower over maintaining his self-control)

(In a more direct translation basically saying "You did this for this, right?" You got exactly the kind of reaction you wanted Garou, are you not entertained?)

Saitama believing in this human ability to change, to be morally good, is what he believes cost him everything, so to the trashbin it went and what makes it such a great moral ambiguous moment that it seemed that he would have destroyed the Earth on the same go. Because him lashing out was such a poorly planned out, impulsive act that he did not exactly think it through that Garou would also punch him back and it would endanger earth.

Chances are, it would not have if it was just his own punch, but what he let go is belief in himself to be a morally upstanding person. That it is pointless if he tries to be morally righteous and caring individual because ironically that got people killed and instead he was being callous when he tried to care more.

In this, it would seem that he then put all his remaining care in doing right by Garou, at least, to make sure that at least one person makes it out from this mess and believing in this one person to change back into the person they used to be.

And maybe trying to redeem himself at the same time, that he could be excused for his own lapse of control, if he held tight to this belief. Losing control is not worth it.

The quirk of this personality is that in right situations, they can logically justify anything.

If he does not believe in that, his core value that humans can inherently change to be better, then he would lose his sense of self.

It was Genos' belief in him being able to be a hero, that allowed Saitama to still keep a grip on himself and his values. Because Saitama no longer truly believed in his own values that he had just thrown away, like his lack of belief in his heroism would mean his clothes would shred instantly, he needed the core as memento to remind him of those values. To remind him why he's a hero.

Maybe he could do one last thing correctly at least, while keeping himself in control over his emotions.

(Chances are he actually changed his mind about letting himself loose here, because he was reminded of his values. Huh.)

This belief in humans ability to change, even if at first they seem to be merciless and understanding the motives when someone takes a more morally questionable action can be observed when Saitama for instance, chastises Genos weakly when Genos suddenly blasted away house of evolution without making sure that there wasn't any humans occupying the upper floors and Saitama is floored by Genos suddenly doing that.

Genos never presented himself as irredeemably merciless, in Saitamas moral opinion though. What genos did was wrong because there could have been human casualties, but he understood the motive behind suddenly incinerating the entire house because they were also bad guys sending mutants to attack people and after them specifically. So they were the aggressors first and Genos and Saitama were defending themselves. Hero association had nothing bad to say about Genos code of conduct either and probably won't.

Genos wants to eliminate evil just as bad as Saitama wants to, but chances are, Saitama's only awakening sense of humanity like emotions and morals after the warning that he was losing himself entirely, allowed him to shrug off genos' blatant disregard for ethics and possible lost human lives there as casualities in his quest to exterminate evil, when it turned out that the baddies were probably hiding underground and no actual human lives were lost.

When Genos no longer disregards other human lives as potential casualties, including his own, Saitama commends him for it. His disciple has come around to understand Saitama's deeply entrenched moral code.

On the moral scale? I would say Saitama ranks high on the moral scale, all things considered.

It took a loss of a very close loved one, the loss of everything he owns, being responsible for allowing someone go against his core values of murdering people, damaging the planet he lives on and highly stressfull situation in general and lowered amount of self-control, to make him re-evaluate his values and let go of his inhibitions.

It is a moral failure he has yet to own up to because he does not remember it, yet, though it was something that never ended up happening and he "redeemed" himself for it by traveling backwards with the help from Garou to deny the causality of his lack of action and action taken.

But even when he has literally nothing left and no reason to even exist, he ultimately, still tries to uphold the one last and most important moral value he has; not taking a life unless he has to.

It is a thing that he already suffers from emotionally, because his morality regarding killing monsters does not line up with the ethics of the Hero association and them killing monsters, because some monsters used to be human. One of the reasons why being a hero did not line up with what he thought it would be; helping people and defeating evil and this will probably become more and more apparent.

But the theme seems to be that he would strive to do the right thing. Within his capabilities and within his knowledge.

What he deems as morally right and wrong though, that may change if he gets more emotionally invested and his emotions and his full empathy makes a return and he may even make some morally questionable decisions based on feelings alone. For better...and for worse if he regards it as moral failure on his part to actually take care of and save every single person. To be an ideal hero.

No doubt he will get morally tested from time to time however and we'll see how sound his moral judgement remains.

#opm #one punch man #saitama #opm meta #morality #opm manga panels #opm anime screencaps #moral ambiguity #moral failing #moral injury #ethics #moral dilemma #moral alignment #asks

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svpervixen · 2 years

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No, it isn’t what happened to you, it’s what happened to me.

I know the world revolves around you and all that drama and your own narrative of it, but I told you the extent of what happened to my knowledge. /I/ had nothing to do with it.

It blows my mind, that even now, after he replaced you as quickly as the others and most likely cheated on you, you still want to demonize ME for venting on my own blog that no one seems to give a fuck about but YOU.

I gave you chance after chance to hear me and understand where I was coming from. You chose to demonize me in the face of a serial abuser and I have zero sympathy for you at this point. That “LOL we really still doing this” post, I didn’t want to assume that was about me, but after your latest post, I know you’re still looking. And like I’ve said before, I’m not going to pretend I don’t look. Not nearly as often as I use to, but I still would, out of curiosity and concern. You can go ahead and pretend you don’t look at my shit, but you and I both know much better. Right? But like I said, I’m not going to pretend I don’t, which is why I’m saying this shit now.

I told you at the time and was prepared to show in court that I was mortified that you felt threatened at work. Because despite my personal feelings towards this whole thing, I would never wish harm or paranoia on you. I have no idea who violated your vehicle or put you in a position where you needed an escort to your car. I had NOTHING to do with that.

My cousin is a good man. The girl he was with at the time took it upon herself to further the dialogue in a way that neither of us were ok with, and lo and behold, less than a year later, they broke up because she wasn’t the right fit for him. Her and her family even got into a physical fight in a fucking Walmart that was posted on Facebook and ridiculed appropriately way after the fact. So anything that my family had to do at the time is so way beyond your understanding of this whole thing, it’s not even funny. But at the end of it all, I had no idea they had run into you at your job until after they had left. THATS when my cousin messaged me. At the time I was either at home or at work depending on the status of my health. Need screenshots again?

All that shit aside, I told you from the fucking start that I had nothing to do with it. It’s not my fault that I told the truth about what he did to me, and people became angry with him after the fact. You can choose to believe and defend a piece of shit, that’s on you. But don’t blame me for whatever the fuck happened to you at your job when I have you on fucking tape approaching me alongside that fuck at my own job to ruin my healing process for the next one to two years. My body was finally fucking healing from the ulcers the stress he put me through made me develop. And I know you wanted to act like you knew more about it than I did, but I was the one forced to take months off from work, unpaid. I was the one laid up in bed, legitimately fearing I was dying because I couldn’t even lift my head without passing out. I was the one that has 100s of dollars in medical bills to be put to sleep, have cameras shoved in my ass and throat, and be told when I woke up I had multiple holes in my digestive system and that’s why I got so weak at work, that’s why I couldn’t lift my head, that’s why I couldn’t stand or walk or even sit up without being in pain. And if you’re so smart, you’d know that highly stressful situations often result in ulcers like that. So what excuse do you have to give me now? Now that you’re not his main supporter, now that he has someone else to use, what the fuck do you have to say about it? Why in the flying FUCK do you care?! You want to be angry at me when you never even believed me in the first place??? Why in the fuck would you do or say anything that would even remotely resemble you still standing up for him after all he did???

Have you been picked yet? Is all you’re doing really worth it? You want to poke me at this point in my life? Go the fuck ahead because I’m stronger than I’ve ever fucking been and I’m not going to cower in front of you. When you and that fuck came into my job and cornered me, I was less than a month back from healing from my ulcers, and I was still dealing with an immense amount of trauma. My nervous system is still recovering and has been for a while. So the fact that my knees were shaking and I couldn’t get my words out? It’s not because I was fucking scared of you two. It’s because I was fucking traumatized. And if you want to continue making a mockery out of my fucking trauma, go the fuck ahead. Want to keep believing his narrative, even after the ways he fucked you over? Go the FUCK ahead. But don’t pretend like the shit you’ve been posting lately isn’t a direct response to the way I’ve been venting on my OWN blog. If you didn’t want a direct response, maybe make it a bit more nuanced. Otherwise? I’m not afraid to confront you. Henceforth, here the fuck I am.

Got anything else to say? I’ll open up my ask box JUST for you. I’m tired of these fucking games. So go ahead. Go for it. I’ll be waiting.

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livingalifeofasimp · 3 years

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Incurable Love

《♚ SLIGHT YANDERE / POSSESSIVE Zhongli X Reader ♚》

➳ Dynasty Au

➳ Warning : This content contains Yandere themes if you are sensitive please refrain yourself from reading it. This is purely for entertainment purpose, arts and pictures are not mine credits to respective owners, only the content is mine.

❖ You leap through the time to some dynasty and found yourself in the dark forest sunlight scatting through the leaves, on waking up you saw yourself surrounded by some men, the look on their faces made you feel some kind of outsider. They were dressed in traditional wear layers of clothes warped around them secured with leather belts, long hairs, head decorated with pretty accessories.

❖A man came forward glaring, your clothing style made them even more suspicious of you " What is your name? Who sent you here?", Starling you with his strict voice pointing a beautifully crafted weapon yet deadly in your direction that you assumed was sword. "Is this some kind of sick joke, some social experiment Hahah I ain't falling for this", you shouted looking around you for hidden cameras where are they? Other than that, it's illegal to bring people without their consent.

❖"Stop fooling around answer or die" something in his voice told you this all wasn't a joke as he put his sword near your neck. You cut your skin slightly in the attempts to push the sword away realizing it's not a play. "Do you wanna die so much?, General she doesn't look like an assassin", a young looking guy came forward, "Suspicious, everything about her is suspicious, her words, her clothes, her etiquettes, which country are you from?", Everything felt wrong you took a step back ready to run for your life while they argued with each other.

❖Your heartbeat accelerated as you ran faster than anything to save your ownself, curiously you turned your head and saw an arrow shooted towards you, subconsciously a scream left your mouth before you were pinned by the sharped arrow on the woods. "How bold are you?", General guy mocked you already on his way to grab your neck.

❖"Stop what's is this chaos for?", A deep commanding voice stopped him, he kneel down and bowed followed by all the other guys. "A sceptical girl has appeared, your majesty", he reported to the tall man dressed in all the luxury who made eye contact with yours, you adverted your eyes not wanting to offend these dangerous men after glaring at him. "Is this?", The man bend down and grabbed your chin to get a full view of your face, to find out from where you are.

"I believe people don't want to die unreasonable deaths I will ask you once where are you from?",

"I am from South",

❖You lied through your teeth making an innocent face these sharp men, hopping to not get caughted by them, his face held a cold expression clearly not showing whatever is going in his mind. "South? From felecoia island?, You hurriedly nodded your head after all you wanted was to get away from them and find your way back. "Why are you here?", "Work I need money to eat", you babbled out anything that could at least save you from his threatening presence. He was surprised, your clothing did amused him, even tho your speaking lacked manners according to the era.

——————————————————————

❖You were forced on Emperor Zhongli's laps reminiscing, if you would have not said the things that you said would you be somewhere else in life, why did it ended up like this?. "What are you thinking about? Today is my birthday, you should be enjoying", he said playing with your silky hair, you looked at the other side of the hall court officials drinking wine, enjoying, young girls dancing who were selected by the empress dowager so that Emperor Zhongli could choose one of them to be his wife or concubines on his birthday as gift, girls of powerful and influence families, beautiful and perfect in literature were dressed in a seductive way to win Emperor's heart but here he is looking at you with his heart eyes demanding your affection.

❖His face buried in your shoulders leaving kisses and smelling your intoxicating smell that always manages to calm him down, as you try pushing his body away with your hands that he took in his slowly intertwing, pulling your form closer, his left hands encircled your waist as he deepens the kiss running with passion as if he wants you to feel all his love towards you, his overwhelming love and desire that he can't hold back. Noble women looks at you with envy warning you to not get closer to the guy that they love.

❖Zhongli holds your hand to make you walk along side with him which was not done by any other Emperor before. Zhongli knows its wrong but he wants you to love him, piecing pain passes through his heart whenever you say you won't love him, leaving him at the verse of crying. Sometimes his love, loneliness, caring and gentle personality towards you melts your heart but his tendency to get jealous easily in small things makes you think otherwise seeing you pet an animal, he pushes it way and put his head in your lap asking you to caress his hair instead, trying to keep you closer to him all time and hugs you without your consent, making you think maybe it's a good choice to stay with him since you are not able to find your way back home.

❖Whenever you mention your timeline he holds you tight in his embrace afraid to let go so that you won't disappear. Zhongli do not show you his darker side, killing officials or their daughters and maids who plot against you on the spot, cutting their wives, husbands, concubines, sons and daughters' tongue but he isn't afraid to show you his clingingness, holding you down in his bed with him and making you his hugging pillow, trying to win your affection by showing you his pityfull and pathetic, lonely self. Surprising you that the most powerful Emperor who won each battles and states kneel infront of you begs and threatens you to love him.

❖You remember the time when you said, you liked cherry blossoms in one of your friendly lunches with Emperor, the next day you saw your backyard filled with exotic beautiful cherry blossoms trees making your jaw drop, unbelievable how did he managed to do such thing.

❖"My lady do you like it?, it's specially designed for you, each patterns are threaded perfectly, Royal tailors had spent sleepless nights to make this masterpiece asked by the Emperor", a representative tailor girl said as she carefully put the luxurious red robe around you looking for some mistaken errors trying not to displease the ruthless Emperor. Suddenly guards announced his arrival which caused head maids to retreat back, bow down and leave the chamber immediately as Zhongli springed towards you, trapping you in a hug.

❖"You look so beautiful my Empress, this should be enough", you tried to moved away from him "Empress who?, I am not any Empress", Zhongli poked your cheeks "Quit joking my love", he walked around you and stopped behind you causing you to be nervous who knows what he is planning?, Zhongli caressed your back or rather the pattern design, thread made of gold, it's Dragon's symbol which symbolizes protection, power, luck and wisdom most importantly possession of Emperor, with this on, no one will dare to come closer to you or lay their eyes on you and disrespecting you would be equal to violating Emperor's order, the punishment served will be execution, it's a simple warning to everyone.

❖Zhongli's touch caused you to jump and due to reflex you turned around to look at him, just what is this man thinking?. Zhongli grabbed your right wrist and pulled you to him making you clash against his hard toned chest, he affectionately caressed your left cheeks too drunk in your view to realize your struggles and kissed your right cheek lovingly before whispering in your ears with his deep husky voice a templating offer, "Be mine, let me love you and I will give everything you want, you are the only one I need, I am not asking much, my Goddess please be kind to me, grant me the chance to get your love, your precious than any treasure I own", before enveloping you in a desperate hug.

❖When he hugs you so affectionately but securely telling you how much he loves you that he can kill anyone, forcing you to promise that you will never leave his side whenever he finds out about your escape attempts from the shadow guards, dangerous then any other trained soldier who were assigned to guard you more like to prevent you from escaping, no wonder you always get caughted some or the other way each time you try.

❖You where gazing at all the other princes ( Emperor's brothers) gathered in imperial garden who knew they looked so handsome when Zhongli turned your face towards him by holding your chin with his index fingers " Your Highness.....what?", his angry face scared you after all he can execute anyone he wants "Go inside and wait for me", stealing a delicious view away from you "But", "Show her way inside", he commanded your maids who draged you inside.

"You should be my concubine"

"No way I will never share my husband with anyone I want to be his only wife and him to be my only husband".

❖You smiled to yourself satisfyingly he got no chance other than to leave you but instead of seeing a disappointed Zhongli you saw a blushing Zhongli, his Chief assistant was shocked who immediately turned his head in some other direction to not get his eyes plug out by the tyrant.

❖"How can I be so stupid, you shall be my only wife and be mine forever I shall be yours forever my dear wife", Zhongli said taking your left hand in his long pretty muscular hands and kissed your ring finger as your smile disappeared realizing that you digged your own grave.

#genshin impact #yandere #yandere genshin impact #yandere x reader #tumblr #tumblrfeed #yandere story #genshin impact zhongli #zhongli x reader #yandere zhongli x reader #yandere zhongli #Emperor x reader #yandere Emperor #yandere Emperor x Reader #king x reader #yandere king x Reader #possessive boyfriend #yandere male x reader

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kneeeklaus · 3 years

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You Are Not A Monster - Klaus Mikaelson

General Info:

TW: Swearing

Type: Angst, fluff

Summary: You have to make a tough decision after Klaus makes a daring confession.

*I wrote this from a female’s perspective but tbh, I don’t remember using any gendered language. Could be wrong tho...

You were speeding down a winding road, which probably wasn’t a smart decision considering the low visibility caused by being out in the middle of the night during an epic rain storm. You didn’t have a choice though, when Klaus calls, Klaus calls.

And so, you put aside every anxious thought and moral violation to sneak out in the middle of night and meet Klaus, in hopes that he wouldn’t hurt anyone you cared about.

Your relationship with Klaus was rocky, to say the least. On one hand, he was a good friend, when he decided to be. Well, you wouldn’t necessarily define your relationship with him as friends - maybe more casual acquaintances who sometimes enjoyed each other’s company, and other times argued incessantly.

There were times when you saw straight through him. When you saw his humanity. Times when his wide smile made you feel like there was sparkling water in your stomach. Times when you laughed together at stupid things. Times when he actually seemed to appreciate you, and enjoy the time he spent with you.

But most of the time, it was just you struggling against him, like a fish swimming up stream, or two magnets with the same charge. For every time he proved to you there was more to him than maliciousness and manipulation, there were two more times when he proved to you he may be unsaveable after all. But you never gave up, no matter how mad you were at him.

He’d caused you unspeakable pain, but you somehow still believed in him. Even after he tried to use one of your closest friends as leverage, you still believed he could do better - be better.

You arrived at his home, and sat in your car for a moment. You wondered for the first time since you’d up and left your house in such a hurry you’d think a tsunami warning had gone out, what this was all about. It was nearly two a.m. What did he need to discuss so urgently?

A knock at your window startled you, and your head whipped to your left to see Klaus. You sighed, and shut your eyes tightly, trying to shake off your sleepiness, before opening the door of your car. Klaus was already pretty wet, and he didn’t look happy, which scared you.

“Y/N” He said “We have to talk.”

“Can’t we go inside, Klaus?” You asked, cutting him off.

“No, Elijah and Rebekah are in there, I don’t want them to be eavesdropping.” Klaus stated bluntly.

“But I don’t want to be drenched.”

“You’re soaking wet already, don’t be so sensitive.” He said. You reluctantly sighed, he was right.

“Alright then, Klaus, what was so important you called me in the middle of the night to discuss, in the pouring rain, away from anyone who could possibly be listening?” You raised an eyebrow at him.

“Well, you see, I had an epiphany. When I first met you, I was so frustrated by you and I never understood why. It could’ve been anything really, your attitude, probably.” You narrowed your eyes at him “But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I wasn’t frustrated because you were frustrating, I was frustrated because, well, you uh-”

“Out with it, Klaus, I’m tired, I want to go to sleep.” You almost growled.

“Well why didn’t you just say that? Let’s get you inside, I’ll have a bedroom prepared for you.” He immediately ceded.

“Wait- What? Klaus I thought this was important? And now you’re inviting me inside? Just tell me, god damn it.” You said, frustrated. “What the hell did you wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me?”

“I-” He paused as you began to anxiously tap your foot on the wet concrete below your boot. “I like you” He almost whispered, as if ashamed.

“Wait- I thought this was business-”

He cut you off “Y/N...” His voice trailed off, his hair now sticking to his forehead. His eyes seemed to bore into you, and his brow bone dipped with anxiety. His bottom lip quivered, as if he was unsure of what to say next, and all the while, you stood there, silent, not believing the words that had just spilled from his mouth. “I realized the reason I was so flustered whenever you were around was because you make me feel things I’ve never felt before - good things.”

You were confused. This was the kind of shit you hated about Klaus, he was so unpredictable. You never knew how he felt unless he said it, and he was saying it now, but even still, you were confused. If he liked you why did he yell whenever you two argued? If he liked you why did he hurt the people you love?

“Please say something, Y/N.” He pleaded. For a moment, you wanted to melt into him. You wanted to forget the past, and let him become your world - because you knew you felt it too, even though you wouldn’t ever allow yourself to acknowledge it.

But you knew better, you knew who you were, and you knew what you deserved. And you knew what you had to do next, even though you’d rather time stop forever and never have to say those words.

“I can’t” You stuttered “I don’t know what you want me to say!” You said, overflowing with emotions.

“Do you not feel the same?” He asked, stepping closer to you.

But you turned away from him. You couldn’t even look him in the eyes. “Of course I do, but Klaus-” You were cut off abruptly as he spun you back towards him, your chests just inches apart. He looked from your eyes to your lips, and he moved closer, his mind lost in the idea of you. “Please don’t kiss me...”

Immediately, his body went stiff. His eyebrows furrowed with confusion, and he took a sheepish step back. You’d never seen him like this, knocked off his pedestal. “I’m sorry I woke you up, you can leave now.” He said harshly, before he turned away.

“Klaus, stop!” You raised your voice, and he turned back towards you hesitantly. You weren’t exactly sure of what to say next, but you knew how you felt. “Do not think, for one second, that I don’t want you too.”

“Then why don’t you act like it?” He said, his attitude poking through his vulnerable exterior.

“Because, Klaus. As much as I want to, I can’t”

“Why?”

“Because I know who I am, and I know I deserve better! You might be the original hybrid, and probably one of the most attractive and charming people I have ever met in my life, but that doesn’t mean shit to me if you’re going to act like a piece of shit person.” He looked stunned at your outburst, but you weren’t done. “When we get along it’s the best feeling in the world, but when you’re against me, or the people I love, or against my morals, it makes me feel like shit. I don’t deserve to feel like that. Think about it, Klaus, there’s currently no version of this where both of us end up happy.”

For a moment you both stood there in silence, just looking at each other as if it was the last time you’d ever meet. “You’re right.” He said lowly “You deserve a better man than I am. I’m a monster.”

Part of you wanted to burst into tears and apologize to him for the next five years. He looked devastated, heartbroken even. You’d never seen him look like that before. Hell, you probably just scraped the tip of the iceberg. “Klaus...” you said, not knowing what else to say, but by now, he couldn’t look you in the eye.

“Forget I said anything, I’m sorry I bothered you.” He said as he turned around and headed towards his residence once again, but you couldn’t help yourself, and your body sprung in motion.

You took his hand in your own, and he stopped, but he didn’t look at you. “You are not a monster.” You said seriously, and finally his gaze met yours.

“How do you know that?” He asked, his voice sounding like it was about to break.

“Because I see good in you. You don’t like bullies, and you protect those you care about, and you’re good with children. I mean, your favorite character in the Bee Movie is Ken, do you remember why?”

“Because I felt bad. He lost his wife to a bee. That’s got to sting.” Klaus said, a slight grin pulling at the corners of his lips.

“And you’re funny!” You pointed out. “You have so many good qualities, Klaus, but you choose to hide them. You choose to be the monster people think you are. You’d rather be feared, than revered. I don’t want to be afraid of my own boyfriend.” You sighed.

He looked at you with fondness, as much as his heart ached, he respected you for being honest with him. And for the first time in his life, he wanted to be better. He wanted to become the man you deserved. He pulled you in and placed a soft, tender kiss on your forehead, and wrapped his arms around your frame. He could stay like this forever, and never be tired of it.

She knew what he was thinking by the look on his face, and after he released her, she nodded at him, before making her way back to her car. “I’ll still be here, waiting for you, Klaus, I will always wait for you.”

#klaus #klaus mikaelson #klaus mikealson x reader #klaus mikaleson imagine #niklaus x reader #niklaus mikaelson #the originals #tvd #fluff #angst #klaus oneshot #oneshot #vampire #klaus x y/n #klaus angst

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kyberphilosopher · 3 years

Text

Cerise

Those are people who died, died Those are people who died, died They were all my friends and just died.

Word Count: 5736 Warnings: Crime, Weapons, Mentioned Murder of a R/pist, Crude humor.

Jason’s friend and roommate, another Gotham villain, is ordered to return to Task Force X.

ce·rise/səˈrēs,səˈrēz/ [noun] a bright or deep red color.

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

Let’s open up our story on a colorful note: Fuck Amanda Waller.

Nobody likes her. You don’t like her. Jason doesn’t like her. None of the characters in this story like her. Arguably, none of the characters in your present universe like her, either. There’s a reason why people call her “The Wall”. It’s because that’s what it’s like talking to her. And that’s what it would be like trying to deny the request she’d passed on to you in her letter.

It weighed on your mind briefly as you walk up the stairs of your apartment building. By the third flight, the weight’s pretty much disappeared. Sure, there’s anger at Waller for violating your agreement, but it’s so useless being annoyed with her that it washes away fast. So by the fourth flight, the whole thing is settled in your head to completion. You’ll go back to your Suicide Squad- or a Suicide Squad, considering most people Waller selects are idiots. Then you’ll do the job, and walk away bing, bang, boom.

You tip your head politely as if in salute to the older woman, Mallorca, who occupies the apartment across from you. She returns a warm smile that raises her prominent and wrinkled jowls, igniting the fire in her warm brown eyes. “You need me to do your laundry again?”

Of course an angel such as Mallorca would make such an offer. It’s not a bad offer, either. Your dark, silver lined chest plate is splattered with blood all over the front. It’s nobodies blood that doesn’t deserve it, as per your agreement with Waller. Just some perverted little prick who thought with his dick instead of his brain with the wrong girl. She looked frightened, and you saved her, and since the prick had just hit 18 (a fact you learned after rummaging around his wallet after), you had permission to bash his brain in. Hence the blood splattered vigilante armor.

The first time Mallorca had seen such a sight, she had no reaction whatsoever. You weren’t sure what else you were expecting from an old woman living in a back alley apartment building, but it certainly wasn’t that. She offered no shock to your red masked, blood stained roommate either. Mallorca is simply an otherworldly being. And is that cocaine you see on the collar of her shirt?

“I got it,” you throw in return, rounding the corner so she’s at your back, and nearing the climb up the next and last flight of stairs. “Hey, is Jason home?” But when you turn around fully, Mallorca shows no intention of responding and has disappeared down your previous staircase. You clasp your hands against the sides of your thighs, “Oh, okay.”

You make your way up the final steps and stick a hand in a secret back pocket to fish around for your keys. You wince when you begin the rigorous task of tugging the lanyard free from the depths, which unfortunately fell near to your back hole. Then you slip the key into the lock and twist.

Inside your apartment is near emptiness. There’s a couch, a rug, some windows, a TV, and to your immediate right is a small kitchen beside a hallway that leads to a bathroom and two bedrooms. You see the large plant you’d stuck in the corner is wilted and tinged brown, and the TV is playing some movie with the sound muted. No sign of your roommate, however.

You toss your helmet and keys onto the couch. Then you make your way to the kitchen to search the fridge for a snack (that you know is not there) or perhaps some water. You bend down to peek an eye in, only to stand back up and close the thing. Then you pass over to the counter, and reach up to now peek an eye in the overhead cabinet.

“You’re home early.”

You let out a short-but cathartic- scream, jumping as you turn around. You relax quickly. It’s only Jason, and your face changes from shocked and panicked to simply annoyed.

The man at the other side of the room pulls his infamous red helmet from atop his face. Underneath is a classically masculine, handsome face with eyes that blend between green and blue. Black hair falls free in messy strands, accented by the one white tuft that you’ve claimed reminds you of a skunk. You tilt your head lazily in defeat. “How many times have I told you not to do that?”

Jason shrugs in his red hoodie and jeans, walking across the room to set the helmet on the coffee table. “Four. Any particular reason you’re home so early?” he flops himself onto the couch and kicks his feet up, crossing them tastefully next to the Red Hood helmet.

You turn back around to continue the task of grabbing a cup from the top cabinet. “It’s been five, and I apologize for assuming I could do what I wanted in my own home.”

“If you have to ask me to stop sneaking up on you five times, you’re probably a really bad vigilante.”

“Fuck,” you mutter as you fill the cup with tap water. “That’s true.”

You turn around to face Jason. His eyes are already on you, illuminated by the blue glow from the television. They linger purely on your form for a moment, then they dip down to narrow at your armor. “Were you the one who killed that guy on the back of main?”

You furrow your brows and look up with pursed lips in thought. “Are you talking about the main diner or the main records shop?”

“Main diner on main street.”

“No, that was Azrael. This was by the records shop.” You raise the glass to your lips.

Jason snaps his fingers. “Oh, that guy. The kid?”

You nod and take another sip of the water. “He just turned eighteen, so you know. Free game. So, what do you want for dinner? Pick something good. I’m going back to the squad so I won’t be here for a few weeks.”

Jason’s brows furrow for a split second, then he perks up attentively. “You’re going back to the task force?” he repeats, though it sounds defeated and disbelieving. Distraught- is that the word you’re looking for?

“Yeah,” you shrug. “I got the letter-” you set the cup of water down and reach a hand into your pocket. Then you pull the crumpled envelope free of its confines and toss it onto the counter, “-today.”

Jason’s eyebrows furrow again. This time the movement is quick and curved and almost offended. “So, that’s it then?”

“What’s wrong, Jason?” you smirk. “Did you finally fall in love with your roommate turned friend? I always knew this day would come.”

“Uh, no?”

“Suit yourself.”

You turn back around and begin rinsing the cup out. Jason watches your back, something in his chest sinking. You weren’t his best friend. Besides living together, you weren’t really all that close. You were living a life a lot like his, running around at night as some antihero vigilante. The only difference was that you’d crossed paths with Waller and had managed to make it out of her system alive. Most antihero vigilante’s weren’t so lucky. Most of them died. But now you’re telling Jason right to his face that you’re going back. That you think you’ll only be gone a few weeks when it could just be forever. Sprayed with dark blood all over... what if it was yours?

“Actually,” Jason leans forward. His legs drop from the table and spread open, elbows resting against his knees with a hunched back. “Why don’t you pick dinner tonight?”

The glass clinks against the metal of the sink as you set it inside. Jason almost always picks dinner. Most of the time he chooses burgers or Chinese. Your apartments stove isn’t working, so eating from home really just means a BLT sandwich for the both of you.

“Are you offering because you’re hoping I’ll choose that new steakhouse?” you smile.

“I’ll get you anything you want,” the man replies. “It’s on me.”

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

Jason meets you on the roof of the building about an hour and a half later. You wanted to go with him, since you’d say his behavior is different from usual, but he was very adamant about you staying in. Jason even encouraged you to go ahead and pick your favorite movie to watch while he’s gone.

When you told him you’d decided on the steakhouse option, you meant it ironically. Between the two of you, money could be described as ‘tight’. Going to a new place like that would mean saving for a while. Furthermore, you hadn’t even given him your order before Red Hood was gone.

To his credit, looking at him now, you wouldn’t change a thing. The first bite of the food is phenomenal. The second bite is just perfect. Jason must have mind reading powers to be so aware of your taste in food- you’d thought he never noticed.

He gets a steak, as predicted. Jason loves steak.

Gotham looks most like itself at night, a view shared between the two of you. Two sets of legs dangle over the side of your building, both of which are clad in heavy boots and armored knees. Jason had decided to go out as his alter ego- a fact he thought he could keep from you by putting his hoodie under his leather jacket.

“I saw you put your helmet by the door,” you tell him. “I know what’s under that sweatshirt.”

“No you didn’t,” is all he says back.

The wind tickles the back of your neck. It ripples through the air in lazy waves, making Jason’s hair ruffle. The white skunk streak disappears and reappears between the darker-than-midnight-sky strands. Behind Jason, the moon is full and lonely. Its only company is the two of you.

“Oh my god,” you stuff your mouth. “This is so good.”

“Hm,” Jason hums in agreement, stabbing his steak once again with a fork in his black to-go box. It’s the next movement of his shoulder that catches your eye.

“Jason, is that cocaine, or powder donut dust?”

Jason glances over at you.

Your eyes linger on the white splotch of something in the wrinkles of red fabric. “Because I asked you not to eat them since there’s only two left.”

Your face slowly falls to one of horror as Jason stays still. With a face of steel, he finally says, “It’s cocaine then.”

“Then?”

“Look what I got you.”

Jason sets his box to the ledge beside him and leans down.

“Worst subject change ever.” You take an angry bite of your meal in an attempt to both silence yourself and to make you feel better. Unfortunately as you pull away from the bite, crumbs attach themselves to your chest plate and stick to your fingers. “Crap. Jason, your dumb food is getting shit all over my stuff!”

When you look over, Jason’s orbs are already on you. His eyes pierce yours, almost unintentionally daring them to look away. The skunk strands glow this close. He holds two things in his hands. The first is a small, brown pot you could balance in the palm of your hand, filled with miniature yellow and red flowers. Scarlet tulips, golden sunflowers, and blonde alstroemerias. In the other hand is a Blu-ray copy of your favorite film.

“Oh,” is all you can muster out.

When was the last time the two of you had actually exchanged gifts? You weren’t lovers, or best friends. You were just friends. It had to have been last Christmas, when you had gotten him a TV subscription for South Park and a pair of socks. Jason had gifted you a new bedframe that he later helped you put together.

A big smile reaches your eyes and makes your cheeks sore. “I haven’t been able to find this anywhere,” you say, taking the movie from his fingers. Your voice comes out pure and genuine. “Thank you.” Your smile grows even larger when you cup the pot of flowers with both hands.

“All of the flower shops were closed,” Jason explains. “Those are plastic. They won’t die anytime soon.”

At that moment, you swear you could’ve kissed him. He’s looking at you like this is all nothing, like he didn’t just drop big money on dinner and flowers for you. Jason knew what food you wanted before you did. He knew your favorite movie when you can’t even remember saying a thing about it. When had any other man or woman been so thoughtful? So romantic? So caring?

You glance down to the film in your lap. “I didn’t think you payed attention this well.”

Jason’s brow quirks upwards. Something flashes in his eyes as he adjusts his position, seven stories up from the ground. “What kind of roomie would I be if I didn’t?” he asks. Something tells you there’s a shyness blooming in that broad chest of his. Jason’s eyes flit downward to the blood on you, before his head dips back upwards to lock a stare with you once more. “You smell nice,” he states.

You look up at him simply. You know your eyes are filled with pure adoration, and that it’s showing all over your face, but you don’t care. Your red hooded, drug pedaling, bat wrangling, gun toting equal roommate is your favorite person in all of Gotham at this exact moment.

Behind Jason, a small bird flits overhead with a flash of crimson. “Hey, look,” you pat Jason’s shoulder. His eyes follow yours until they land on the floor of the roof behind you. “I think it’s a robin.”

“I know that bird,” Jason scowls. “That’s the son of the bitch that keeps waking me up in the morning.”

“Hm?”

You watch as Jason swings his legs over the side and pushes himself from the ledge. One hand reaches into the back of his pants while the other searches his leather jacket pocket for something. After a few seconds, he produces both a clip of ammo and a gun, which connect with a click.

“Ah!” you yelp, placing both the flowers and movie on the brick before copying your friends actions and standing on the roof. Jason hasn’t shot yet, but the gun in his hand is aimed right at the little birdie. He’s got a clean shot. His face remains neutral and unmoving as you take your place beside him.

It’s a full minute, and the robin is still alive and intact. He nibbles on a little crumb of bread. “He looks happy,” you think out loud. The air of Gotham goes quiet up on that roof, despite the distant sirens, music, and people throughout the city. “Are you gonna shoot?”

Jason’s finger lingers over the trigger. Even the slightest of a squeeze would set the weapon off at this point. The balls of your feet move to and froe, anticipating the bang you’re so familiar with. But then Jason lowers the gun completely, and the robin flies away at the movement. “Nah. He’ll feel the pain I dish out in the morning.”

“Don’t be sad,” you nudge Jason. “He’ll be back at six AM tomorrow to wake you up.” You turn to return to your beckoning food on the ledge. “Thanks for all this, anyway.”

“You’re welcome,” you hear Jason respond. “Hey Y/N?”

Jason watches you spin until you’re completely facing him. He can see the blood again. How it’s completely standing out against the darkness of your outfit. You look powerful, yeah. And you look like the antihero you’re labeled as. But all Jason sees is a corpse of a... of a friend. “Yeah?”

“You’re sure about this Waller thing?”

“Yeah?” you reply, as if it were obvious. The stain on you is so haunting it’s easy to think otherwise. “It’s not like I have much of a choice. It’ll only be a few weeks. I’ll be back before you know it. Then I can show you this sick ass movie.”

Then you go back to walking towards the ledge to retake your seat. But Jason remains standing. He watches as you, the person he thinks of naked so often, get comfortable, your back facing him. And, despite your word, Jason has the sinking feeling that some Suicide Squad mission isn’t the only place Amanda Waller will send you to.

This time, Amanda Waller will send you to your grave.

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

This was supposed to be out on August 16th, for Jason’s birthday. But the concept came to me too late and I spent too long on it. Anyway, here’s some symbolism for ya.

Tulips symbolize unconditional love. Sunflowers symbolize adoration. Alstroemeria’s symbolize devotion. The reader describes the plant in their apartment as turning brown, suggesting it may share a similar fate as the reader as plants go brown when about to die. Robin’s symbolize optimism, a trait the reader displays towards the idea of returning to the Suicide Squad. Robin was also a former identity of Red Hood. Both of which could be why Jason decides to spare the bird.

I’ll go back and proof read this in the morning.

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palaceofpassion · 3 years

Note

It wasn't Jaune's fault! Whitley was just too cute, and her the Schneeboi was talking snack and acting like a bratty little brother when he should be slobbering on a Arc Cock while dressed like the slutty little Femboy he was always meant to be. Good knews was him and Weiss were the same size clothe-wise.

Femboy Whitley!

Jaune couldn’t keep his laughter in as his friends scurried about, trying not to absolutely lose their shits. Ever since Weiss’ little brother decided to show up, things had been... well kind of painful. Jaune himself had kept his head out of it, choosing instead to keep low and avoid any sort of detection from the Schneeboi. THough, that of course hadn’t stopped Jaune from eyeing him every now and again. He WAS rather cute, reminded him of a slightly scrawnier Weiss, with a nice ass to boot.

Jaune felt comfortable in himself to admit such things of course, after all he’d trained both Oscar and Ren quite well over the last year and a half since everyone moved into the little group dorm they shared. He smiled as the boy tried to flirt with Ruby, not like that would work. The normally cheery girl made up an excuse, saying something about Yang calling her, and vanished in a puff of pedals.

He tried to fight back a laugh when he tried to order BLAKE around of all people. Weiss had to keep the feline faunus from ripping her brother a new one.

Things had been rather easy for him, of course, though as the days went on his annoying slander started to get annoying. And eventually, Weiss of all people had decided to come to him. “Jaune...”

“Yes Snow Angel?”

His lover blushed heavily, “Could you do me a huge favor?”

“And what’s that?”

“So you know that thing you did with Ren and Oscar?”

“I do, Ruby and Nora are still a bit sore about that, though Pyrrha was quite happy.”

“COuld you uh...”

She looked at her brother, and well it didn’t take much. He’d thought about leaving things as is, but if Weiss was asking, “Okay.”

He walked over to the boy, talking to the group, Yang getting ready to punch him if he kept on trying to flirt with Ruby. The little femboy really didn’t know his place, now did he? Since he’d first seen him, Jaune had thought he would look better with a cock in his mouth, soooo.

“Hey Whitley.”

From his sitting position Whitley turned his attention to the dumbo that tried to call his name, “What do you want A-” His voice went silent at the sound of smacking flesh. His mouth hung open as his vision grew dark. Hanging above him was the most grotesque slab of meat he’d ever been near. The heavy scent practically suffocated him, the thick musk whisking through his nose and violating his thoughts. The pitter patter of dripping liquid splashing against his forehead caught his attention, and the heavy overbearing feeling of it resting atop him did not sit well for him.

He tried to push back and scream at the bloody neanderthal for even doing that, only to be silenced as Ruby suddenly rushed up to him, grabbed his jaw and held his mouth open. Before he knew it his taste buds were assailed by the most repulsive flavors he’d ever tasted! A tangy sour taste slathered his palate. He tried to bite down initially, but the thing was so large that it spread his jaw too wide to provide ample force.

“Oh wow! I knew you’d look better with my dick in your mouth.”

His violent struggles only proved to provide pleasure for the man currently throat fucking him. “Oh yeah~ Keep saying whatever you’re saying, makes your throat all vibraty.”

He felt fear as one of the various girls surrounding him grabbed the back of his head and pushed him down, forcing that thing all the way down his throat. His vision grew dark as Jaune’s crotch pushed and blinded him. He tried to lash out and push away only for someone else to grab his hands and put them behind him.

Fear started to get the better of him as he heard Weiss talk, “Ooh, he really does look better this way. I always did want a younger sister...”

“Perfect~ He’ll look much better as a trap...”

“Ugh, Jaune, just get it over with, I don’t want to remember what you did to Oscar.”

“haha... sorry Ruby.”

He tried to struggle more, but the individuals around him made it harder and harder as they each took turns forcing his body to move on its own. The taste of another man’s cock on his tongue painted his tastebuds horrendously. He wanted to puke with every passing second, but he found it hard to resist. Eventually he felt the cock in his mouth twitch, and before he knew it his belly was being filled with the man’s disgusting semen. His stomach began to bloat only pulling away once the seed started to ooze through his nose and the gaps between his mouth and the dick.

“Magnafsmdfg!”

Eventually he pulled out, but before Whitley could spit it out, Weiss had suddenly closed his jaw shut. “No no, you’ll learn to swallow~ The protein is good for you.”

When it proved impossible for him to spit it out, he had to eventually swallow, Weiss’ fingers slowly guiding his throat as he began to take the seed downwards. Tears burned his eyes as he felt his body grow weak, the girls finally letting him go once he opened his mouth. “Good boy~” They all gave him small little claps, something that felt absolutely demeaning.

“Now then~ Weiss, dear?”

“Dear?”

“Oh right!” Weiss cheerfully shifted over to the man who had just violated him, placing a gentle kiss against his dick, “I’ve been with Jaune for a while now~ Most of us have.”

His eyes scanned the room as all the residents there nodded. “Di... did you...”

“Invite you on purpose?” His sister feigned a pleasant smile,e ventually dropping the niceties. “Of course I did, now then, Pyrrha?”

“Got them!”

Before he knew it, he was on the ground his head pushed down by who knows who, and his ass held right up. He felt his penis dangling loosely as he tried to shit his hips out of their grasp. His clothing had been forcefully stripped, in place he’d been put in a white gown belonging to Weiss, one that fit him suspiciously well. “Le...let me go! You Barbarians!” Even as he cursed them out, he could still TASTE Jaune’s dick upon his lips.

The repulsive flavor didn’t sit well with him, but… any other thoughts simply stopped when he felt something push between his cheeks. “Perfect~ And I’m already all lubed up.”

“Wh...what?!”

He didn’t get a response before his ass began to burn, “Oh damn! He has such a nice boipussy!”

Tears seared his flesh as he buried his head into the carpet, the older boy’s hands grabbed his large buttocks, squeezing into his perfectly white flesh and marking him with bruises. “S...s...stop!”

He wanted it to end, but Jaune had other plans, his hips thrusted harder and faster. The more that Whitley begged and pleaded the stronger those movements became. Eventually he found himself buried into the floor, his little dick flopping and grinding against it as tiny spurts of semen ejected from within.

“Aww~ He wanted to date me too! Look how cute it is.”

He could hear Ruby mocking him from the distance as Jaune continued to plowing him, the manly meat mangling his insides. He couldn’t feel his guts anymore, disrupted and dislodged from their places. He couldn’t even cry as his voice had gone hoarse, and his tears had dried up. He simply layed there limply while they all took pictures and recorded the scene before them. Jaune, had decided he was going to take and keep Whitley as his own, and as much as he wanted to fight back… the moment he felt the first rush of seed fill his insides from the back end, he knew that his life was over.

When Jaune pulled out of Whitley’s gaping ass, thick streams of seed pulled, painting his white form even whiter as it dripped splashing onto the carpet beneath. The extra spurts that erupted from Jaune’s still hard cock, slathered Whitley’s young femine back, coating him in a nice glaze. “PHew~ Going to have a lot of fun training him.”

He placed a gentle kiss against Weiss, “Thanks for the gift~”

“Anytime~”

#forced feminized #Whitley Schnee #Jaune Arc

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buckttommy · 2 years

Note

Hey Jack, I wanted your insight in something if its possible. It’s about the relationship Eddie has with religion. I’m watching the show again trying to catch some clues about it but I feel like there’s something missing. I mean, as someone with the same cultural and social background as Eddie, when I read about his queerness being suppressed because of his religious background, I was excited to see it. Now, what I’m feeling is that Eddie doesn’t have a controversial relationship with Christianity, more like he has faith issues (because of his depression) but not something that would be the main reason to suppress his sexuality. From my POV I feel like his cultural background and his family would be more related to this. The fact he still remembers what his drill sergeant said shows to me that he internalizes hard any criticism over his personality/life. What’s your input about it (aka Eddie and queerness)? On a last note, I think Eddie is very aware of his sexuality. He chooses to not act on it.

Hi anon!

A lot of people have a lot of very personal (and valid) interpretations of Eddie and his relationship with religion, but I agree with you here.

I really don't think religion plays a significant role in Eddie's relationship to his sexuality. For starters, there's no strong indicator that the Diaz family is religious at all. Eddie crosses himself in 4x12, and Abuela crosses him in 2x04, yes, but religion (any religion, depending on the location in which one resides) often interweaves with culture to the point where the two don't necessarily interact, which means that Eddie can cross himself or be crossed as a matter of cultural norm, rather than any sort of explicit and intentional (and intention does matter, when it comes to religious action) expression or ritual. Additionally, not every queer person has religious trauma, and Eddie himself does not appear to have any sort of religious trauma. He doesn't believe in jinxes, the universe, or a higher power, but he also isn't steeped in his own disbelief either. As you said, Eddie's issue is more of a matter of faith (where it comes from and where it should rest), not a matter of belief or disbelief born from any sort of religious scarring or church woundedness.

What we do know and have seen evidence of in canon is that Eddie has been very scarred by the people with the greatest voice and influence in his life, specifically his parents and his drill sergeant, as you mentioned. I've said it before but it bears repeating that Eddie has lived his life honed around what other people (be it his parents, his sergeant, or society at large) expect of him as a man, a father, a husband or boyfriend, etc. Attempting to live up to these standards is what has caused Eddie to lose so much control over himself, thereby damaging his own self-perception, self-worth, and even causing him to violate himself in the process.

So when I consider your other point about Eddie's awareness of his sexuality, I agree. One thing many people in this fandom seem to misunderstand is that repression does not equate to ignorance. One can be aware of something and actively choose to bury it until it is (or appears to be) a non-issue. This is how Eddie operates. Eddie is very self-aware; he knew he was on a downward spiral far before anyone else picked it up (i.e. going to Bobby to get his job back because he knew his thoughts were unraveling beyond his control), but he does not always choose to act on his own awareness. To that end, I firmly believe Eddie knows he is attracted to men, has known since well before Shannon entered the picture, and probably dating back to his youth/adolescence. But in also considering the idea of Eddie's life being cultivated around the desires and expectations of others, of course he would have buried his attraction as deeply as he could as a matter of both aligning himself with the goals and expectations of those around him, and a matter of sustained survival.

Hope this answers your question(s)!

#pre-canon eddie #jack answers mail

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iamdarkness · 3 years

Text

Taboo

Alfonse x Summoner.NSFW 18+

This one goes to the people who wanted an Alfonse Summer atl. At least we got Freyr.

Taboo: from Tongan tabu ‘set apart, forbidden’

Summoner POV

As a person who comes from the “World of Steel” I am be very used to most levels of nakedness in people. I mean, when you do P. E. at school or when you go to the gym or running at the park, or the beach, and watch TV; we are all bombarded by all kinds of nakedness. We are used to looking at other people’s bodies as something normal.

When I got to Askr I met heroes of all kinds and many of them are just like me in that they find levels of nakedness normal. Take Hawkeye for for example. He is quite a gentleman and in his culture it is quite normal to be half naked.

Leading the heroes I got used to them and their bodies enough that I view most of them with a more clinical eye, like a doctor would. When they are wounded and I help treat them, I see their bodies just as a doctor would. The same goes when I see them in the beach or the spring. This make them much more comfortable around me. So much so that some of the heroes have tried to play tricks on me and see me crack.

Like the time the most unlikely pair, consisting of Niles and Henry played a trick on older Ike. They took his clothes when he was in one of the baths, locked his room and hid his clothes in my office (which is attached to Alfonse’s). They told him not to worry “ The Summoner is asleep.” I was definitely not asleep and saw the guy in all of his muscular glory. Did I get flustered? Not really. I mean at first it was like “WTF”, but I was not ogling the guy! He was all freaked out, and I got worried. Besides, I have seen him almost naked before. What is a little more skin? Well it wasn’t little to be fair…it was actually quite a lot…

I was quietly reading a report on my writing desk, all hunched over, when he came silently in and stood right in front of me. I waited for him to talk. I thought it was Alfonse at first, coming to get my report, so I did not even say anything. I am used to him just coming in and sit to wait for me to finish my work quietly. Then Ike stands just in front of the desk and I look up to see a mop of dark blue hair over his “Ragnell”. I look all the way up to see Ike looking over at the bookcase behind me. He was not yet aware I was awake.

-Ike? What are you looking for?- I ask calmly looking back to the bookcase behind me to see what he was looking for. I hear a yelp and something heavy falling down. I look around and find him on the floor covering himself with his hands. His eyes were wide opened and he could not talk for a second. He just kept opening and closing his mouth and said “ I can explain.”in a strangled voice. Alfonse chooses that exact moment to come inside and finds me standing up to give Ike my coat so he can cover himself up. What does he see? I am undressing my self in front of Ike and Ike is naked on the floor.

...NICE…

Yes we were able to clear that up. Alfonse even laughed about it and still does sometimes, but that was only the beginning.

Some time later Dieck comes inside the study Alfonse and I use in the library. Now we all know Dieck always uses the bare minimum on clothes, but this time he is wearing only his pants and boots. As soon as he comes in, he starts taking his pants off (And of course he is not wearing underwear) and looks at Alfonse and say.

-Oh Your Majesty is here too? Oh don’t worry; I don’t mind.- He now is butt naked and kicking his boots off. I turn to Alfonse with a ‘WTF’ face and I see him tomato red and very angry. He looks at me and…Why…is he angry at me too? What did I do?

-Dieck… what the hell is going on?- I ask calmly because I feel Alfonse is going to blow a gasket and any loud noise will set it off.

-I am here for the check up.- He says simply and his smile falters a little, looking sideways at Alfonse. I focus on his face like it is a normal conversation. Doctors and nurses can do this and so can I.

-What check up?

-The one you ordered to check our birthmarks and scars, just in case we are killed and there is no other way to identify our bodies.- I turn to Alfonse and I give him a questioning look, but he appears to not have heard anything except the “the one you ordered”. He is looking at us both angrily back and forth.

-Umm…Well now that you mentioned it… It sounds like a good idea, but I have never given that order. Whoever told you that? -Still focused on the face.

-One of the soldiers…so it is not true?- He asks now red in the face, which is very weird because this man has no sense of shame when it comes to showing off. Then he goes to cover himself with his hands, but too late Dieck, I already saw it all.

-Well no, but it is a good idea, right Alfonse?- I say thoughtfully. He seemed to have regained his senses and is now still red, but his face is lowered and he just nods.

-Oh…I should go then and find that (he whispers some curses under his breath)…I… -He takes his pants and puts them on. I start making a note about the idea to tell Anna.- I am sorry ______.

- Don’t worry Dieck. No harm done. This has happened before and just so you know I liked the idea, but if we do make it happen, it would be a member of the healing team doing the check up.- He looks skeptically at Alfonse who is pinching the bridge of his nose and has his eyes closed. You know, that face he does when he is about to lose his patience? Well that one.

-Oh! Thanks for letting me know.

-I want to know if you can identify the soldier that told you this. Please see me tomorrow after breakfast,at the training ground.- Alfonse tells Dieck and there is a determined look on his face. Dieck looks back at him and with just the same look, agrees to it.

At the end we did use that idea, but meanwhile I had four other heroes coming in to undress in my presence. One of them being Lady Camilla who agreed to dismember whoever was the culprit of the trick. The other was Libra who looked about to faint when he was informed he had been tricked by someone. King Claude, who laughed about it and congratulated whoever had bested him in his kind of game; and finally Sonia, who paraded around the room, even after I told her it was not necessary for her to undress. The culprit ended up being Xane ,and Marth was not lenient with him. Neither was I. I mean whoever plays a trick like that on Libra?! Yes! He is a guy!

This keeps happening periodically, specially with new heroes. It is like some kind of hazing ritual.

At this point I have seen at least one version of all the heroes naked for one reason or another and like I said before, they seemed to be very comfortable around me and my professionalism.

Yet I, being myself can’t get used to showing much of my own body due to my insecurities. I mean I may exercise and maybe train but I keep myself still kind of covered up almost all the time. It is a uniform after all. I even have to wear that tiara they gave me. I look like royalty XD

Askr itself has it’s own norms and they are far more conservative when it came to dress codes and overall behavior. I mean Alfonse sometimes sounds like I imagine my great grandpa sounded back in the day. And this is when I realized something. I have never seen Alfonse in any kind of undress and…It kind of bother me. Why? Because he was the only one person I was attracted to in all of Askr. I loved that man’s mind, heart, personality and skill…in everything he did.

I knew I was in love with Alfonse at this point, but it had taken another Alfonse showing a little chest to understand that I was the the most sexually frustrated of all my life and that looking at his chest was doing things no one else had done in their entire nakedness. Hell not even porn or hentai had given me the high I got from imaging my Alfonse in that outfit. I mean…not that I used to watch porn or hentai. I know what they are, but the time I did watch, it was all meh. I even thought it was funny. I mean, who isn’t curious about that ? I suppose we have all gone at least once and taken a look at it? Right?…right?

I remember plain as day I stood there stunned into silence, and probably mouth agape the whole time. I must have looked like an idiot or a pervert! My Alfonse was red as a tomato and trying so hard to avoid my gaze. At the end of the day, the only thing I got out of him was a little laugh and a small “I am so glad, we do not share that costume here in Askr.”

…..FUCK!

I find my self starting at his UN-globed hands when he is drinking tea or eating. I try not to, but the white smooth surface of the back of his hands contrast with the rough calloused fingers, so used to gripping sword and shield. They can also play the sweetest of sounds on a violin and I find that so sexy. Those same long white fingers so tempting and beautiful in their strength and skillfulness. Sometimes I stop my self from wondering how they would feel and...<<What them fingers do Alfonse?!! No ! Stop!>>

It is true I touch him often. Touch is my love language and even though I always make sure to give people that do mind, their personal space, I do know that Alfonse does not mind. Alfonse may not be a huger, but it does not mean he does not enjoy being touched by people he holds close to him or for them to be near him. Also yes, I have helped him with his wounds but, most of the time I am to damn worried to actually take time to enjoy the touch of his skin and to be hones I find that quite a violation of trust, so I do not indulge in it.

Sometimes he has caught me starting at the brim of his scarf and under-armor for a glimpse of his neck and I feel so embarrassed by it, but the thought of kissing him there is so tempting to me and I long so much to see past that barrier. He always covers himself again when he sees it is revealing more that that fraction of his neck… And Lord above! Is he smiling?

The curse of all of this is, that yes we have Summer here in Askr, but it is not as hot and you have to travel to the beach to be seriously hot. He has never gone to the beach with us, since I arrived here. I am not counting the times we do go, because Anna comes up with some scheme to raise money for the order, because we all wear the uniform then. Whenever he goes to the hot spring; he does it by himself, when Sharena and I are doing something else. Even while going to the river he wears long sleeves, because …bugs. I have asked Sharena and she just answered that she had not noticed and why I was interested….Oh you know…scientific purposes Sharena…

At first I feel so sad and rejected. Fine…I get it. You are not interested in me and do not welcome my intrusive looks…but…he gives me so many mixed signals! Why is he so close at meetings and I can feel his fingers touching mine. He has taken my hands in his many times. When another hero flirts with me he always appears out of nowhere with knitted brows and a disapproving stare. Prince Hrid came to say ‘Hi’ once and to talk to me, and next thing I know Alfonse drops everything to be next to me as well. Hrid even asked me if we were engaged ! I wish Hrid!

Well I suppose that is what friends do right? Maybe he does not want me falling in love with a hero and leaving Askr while they need me here. But I talked to him already. I am not returning “home” and I am not leaving…because…How can I leave and not see him again? Not that I wanted to return “home” to begin with, and it seemed impossible to fall in love with someone else other than him.

I have seen heroes flirting with him as well, and he seems unimpressed by any of them. I have heard other heroes telling the rejected ones, “He has eyes only for the Summoner.” …But what had they seen that I don’t? So I go and ask Sharena and she just laughs it up and says to give him time. He is shy and self conscious.

…So he does like me, but is very shy and very busy and very self conscious and insecure? OK…I can work with that. Like a great elf king said once; “I am patient; I can wait.” But not that much cause I’m not an elf.

Then Lif came and I thought “Hell! Even his grandpa show more skin than him!”

Lif came like a shadow from the grave that will take your last breath. To be honest, he looked more like Death than Hel herself. Except… He was HOT. I felt bad for even thinking that, when the Goddess of Death was trying to end us all, and most specially Alfonse. And you see, that is when I got angry. How the heck was an ancestor of the Askr royalty helping that crazy witch, end his descendants?

Lif attacked us and tried to, I suppose…kidnap me? He made a bee line to where I was standing and fell all the soldiers on his way. It was weird! I was about to bolt, because the training I had, would not stop the guy who just felled like twenty guys on his way, but something, not fear, took hold of me and I just…those eyes… It was like ten seconds in which I looked into his eyes and saw so many emotions in them, that I could not understand and then I could not move….ten seconds and he was already there in front of me, not attacking but there!

Alfonse came before Lif had taken me or whatever he was going to do. He ended up with a bruised knee and ankle. I went to help him with some salves and bandages when we were done with the rest of the more serious injured people. He took off his shoe and rolled up the under armor. His ankle was not swollen and his knee was bruised but it was not swollen. I put some salve any way.

-What happened? I saw it from afar and felt I would not get there fast enough. Where was Dimitri?- He said a little angry, since King Dimitri was one of my supports alongside him and he was tasked today with being my guardian. I was still massaging his ankle not even thinking about it.

-They were circling us from the back and Dimitri had to fall back to take care of it…Umm…I don’t know what happened. It was weird. He looked at me and he just…

-I saw it too.- Said Sharena who came to stand behind Alfonse.- It was like he hit you with a spell.

-It didn’t feel, like a magic attack. I was more like… I don’t know…- I felt weird about it, so I just made some stupid joke to lighten the mood- Why didn’t y’all tell me your grandpa was so hot? Heh , heh, heh heh! What? It’s not my fault! He kind of looks like you Alfonse.- Hey I was nervous and I do this when I get nervous!

At first They gave me their “ Seriously?” stare, but Sharena catches on quick and starts laughing out loud. Alfonse? Well he scowls and close his eyes and then takes his foot away from my hands. What?? wait I didn’t get the chance to enjoy that! Damn! Next thing I know, he is taking his sock and starts putting in on. I see his smooth white skin peppered with… is that golden hair? Does it have a blue in it? and my throat closes dry. I follow his movements, as hypnotizing as a dance, rolling up that white sock that is taking away my hopes and dreams. Then the under armor goes down and boot on. It took him like ten seconds, that I totally did not count. Then his hands were covered as well.

I look up at him with my hands still hovering in the same place as when he took away his leg and see him smiling sideways. I compose myself and…Wait…What? Is he doing this on purpose? Seriously? And the worst part is, that it should not bother me at all, but the truth is…I am very bothered by it. He has become a some sort of taboo to me and GOD how I love the guy! If it was someone else like Robin who never looses that coat of his and globes; I would not care! But I love him Lord. Why is he like this? I used to thank God I was not one of those feet fetishes people, and now I will be dreaming of his feet. Thanks Alfonse!

Joking. I respect feet fetish people. To each their own.

The point is that I feel like those people in Victorian novels, where they get all hot and bothered by someone’s ankle showing more than normal! Oh but what an ankle that was tho’. Stop. Focus!

I resolve to see him as clinically as any other hero and not stare at the shape of his ears and think of how I want to whisper how much I love him while kissing it…Grrr…I’m doing it again.

Days later we see Lif again and Alfonse is cursed…We have nine days. Good thing Hel has not seen The Ring or it might have been only seven. Yeah I joke now, but back then I was about to commit murder and then kill myself…or something just as dramatic.

We searched for days, a way to undo the curse and we found nothing. You’d think I would have taken a page from Dean Winchester's book and played the “last days on Earth” trope to get into his pants; but to be honest nothing like that even crossed my mind at the time! I was so desperate to keep him alive that nothing else matter to me. He could have paraded naked in front of me at the time I was at the library and I would not have noticed…Well, maybe I would have, but it didn’t happen so it doesn’t count

Until the sixth night of the curse.

There was a knock at the door to my chamber. Oh! Did I mentioned we have a shared study? Because we do. It is between our chambers and it can only be entered from our rooms. It was his idea and it was for safety reasons. The nights I have spent sitting by the chimney staring at his door…but never mind that. He knocked at my chamber door and when I opened it, he was about to leave. He was wearing sleeping pants, a long sleeve night shirt and socks, all in white.

We had fallen asleep next to each other at the library before of course, especially during the days he was cursed. And yes we used to huddle together during our march through Nifl. It was effing cold OK. We also usually had our sleeping rolls next to each other during campaigns, because we fall asleep while talking or after a watch,but we had never slept together on a bed. Beds are…intimate to him I suppose.

This night however, he came in and he just goes on and sit on my bed. He said nothing. I sat next to him and reached over to give him a hug. He took this as his cue and hugged back and didn’t let go. He clung to me with such force I was starting to feel dizzy. I asked him to stay the night. He nodded and still said nothing. I blew out the candle I was using to read and we went to sleep while he hugged me tightly. It was no surprise to me, but it was not so much fear that I could see in him. It was so many emotions, that fear seemed to be the least of his problems; but of course he was afraid. We spend together the following nights of his curse. Funny thing is …all those nights I dreamed of his Grandpa, watching over from my balcony window.

And did I had a glimpsed of something while sleeping together? No. He came in and blew the candle out and by the time I woke up he was already awake. Not like I would have gone and taken advantage of his sleeping form to explore or something. I just thought later that if I had woken up before him, then may be I would have seen his shirt riding up or his pants lowered a little or maybe his sock had fallen off or something. Oh well…They were still the best nights of my life, even if they didn’t feel like that at the time. I mean, I got to be held like I was the most precious and sacred treasure in the world by my beloved. I would care for nothing else.

Then…Grandpa is actually Alfonse from the future…

Lif, as he goes by now, told us everything that had happened in his Askr. Which is weird because I had been dreaming of something like that and I thought it was stress.

We spent some days in that dead world and I got to see Lif a few times. He looked curious about me, but at the same time I noticed he was avoiding me. The way he looked at Sharena really broke my heart every time I caught him starting at her. In turn Sharena looked ready to adopt him, if only he would let her do it.

One of those night I was having a nightmare about me dying while I saw Anna drop dead as if by magic. I woke up to find Lif watching me from afar. I got up and went to talk to him before he ran away.

We talk for a while. I do not want to intrude on painful memories, but he seems to know me so well it feels natural to talk to him, just like it is to Alfonse.

-You two…you are not lovers yet?- He asks eyeing me sideways.

-No. Where you…?

-Yes. After the first attack. We spent some weeks fighting Hel together. Is he still playing hard to get then?-Oh and there it was.

-Oh! So it is not my imagination! God I thought I was going insane! Oh that Bunny suit messed me up! I love that chest!…wait. Is that why you have your chest out? - He nods.- And the glow…I noticed Thrasir does not have that glow and I love glow in the dark…ermm… It is an awesome design I have to say. I like it. It is sexy.- I felt bad for the lack of tact but at the same time he needed to know I did not find him ugly or scary any more.

-You were always odd like that Summoner.- He says that in his deep voice, and it conveys a lot of feelings.

Did he let me touch his chest? No…and I didn’t really ask to be honest. My respects to Lif. He gave up everything for us. I owe him a lot.

Well, now I knew for sure and I could confront him or let him keep doing it, or maybe just seduce him. It was strange. I always thought it only worked on men, but I guess it does work goes both ways! At least it help me to fall in love with his mind and heart first, not his body.

Next day we were walking out of Lif’s castle when the floor gave in and Alfonse and I fell through it. Luckily it was not even high, but I am not as tall as Alfonse and with my luck, part of my coat and shirt got caught on a sharp part of a broken stone pillar, and I was left hanging about one feet off the ground by one shoulder. I tried wiggling off the coat but I could not do it.

-Are you hurt _____?- Alfonse asks worriedly getting up from where he landed on the floor.

-No! I think I just got scratched! But I can’t unhook my self.

- Only you _____.- Says Alfonse smiling and getting dust out of his uniform.

-Thanks Alfonse…Can you help me down?

He looks around and up for a while and then stares at me for a few minutes. Probably thinking how to approach the problem, but seriously I think he could just reach up and unhook me. He is tall enough for that.

He comes close to me and circle my waist with his left arm and places his left leg between my legs to find leverage on the pillar behind me. He reaches over my head with his right arm to unhook my coat. Being this close to him is so exiting. My heart begins to race and I start feeling kind of hot. I try not to think about it and avoid my gaze from his face, but I can’t help looking at him.

There was not much light coming down from the hole above us, but I could see the side of his face and ear…yeah the same ear I wanted to…OK! Not now! He took this time to move his leg up to hold my weight up, and I was left straddling it. He kind of wiggled it to adjust and…Oh boy! It felt good, good.

<< Oh no! Don’t move it anymore…>> I was praying for him not to move that leg, because God in heaven, I was going to come right there and then.

…And he moved it again but higher and harder…

-Mmmn- Oh GOD! I did not just moan into his ear. I mean, I am not horny all the time, come on! It is just that, he is so close I can smell him. He smells so deliciously manly, and his leg is touching just the right places!!

Meanwhile he is frozen in place. It seems like he is thinking about what to do or maybe just not thinking at all. I personally think he will be leaving me hanging there to be hones. I am so embarrassed, I lower my face to hide it, but we are so close, I end up hiding my face in the crook of his neck.

He gasps and I can feel his arm tightening on my waist and I get even closer to him. I feel him moving his head a little as if to see my face and then…he moves the leg again as if testing it. This time slowly. I tried and fail to stifle another moan but it still comes out. He moves his hips upwards and keeps moving the leg. It creates just the right amount of friction needed. I feel my hips move on their own to meet him.

-Alfonse…- My legs tighten around his and when I come close to his manhood I can feel his arousal as well.

-_________- He whispers my name softly as my leg touches him. All this while he is still moving that blessed leg back and ford. I am panting at this point and he feels like he is in the same situation. All of this brought me to my knees. I came hard. I sat there shuddering in his arms and biting my hand because the stone caused every little noise to sound louder. I felt him kissing my hair.

We heard some loud footsteps up above us and then…

-Hey! You need help down there!- I hear Barst’s voice over my head. He does not sound or look like he heard anything.

-We are fine…I just need …to get her down.- Alfonse’s voice sound a little strained but Barst takes it to mean he es working on helping me down. Just like that, he unhooks my coat and lowers me down gently, still not letting go.

-I’m getting a ladder!- He’s gone and we can hear his footsteps getting farther away.

Alfonse steps forward still with me in his arms ,until my back is against the pillar and then looks at me and kisses me hard.

I am dizzy by the time he lets go. - He is coming back.- He says against my neck and bites into it. I am sure they could hear that whimper that left my mouth. And can you blame me? He just bit into my neck and at the same time moved his hips in a way that I could feel his manhood rub against me. Both his hands were lowered to my hips and he used them to have me closer to him. All this while, he gave this utterly sexy guttural sound that almost sounded like a growl… He lets go, takes a step back and turns around, a moment later a ladder is lowered.

-You go. I will explore down here a moment.- He says in a firm voice not looking at me.

I go up the ladder still a little shaky and flushed. I tel Barst to let him explore to see what he can find, but to leave the ladder for him to get up. Darn I wanted to go “exploring” with him. Just imagining what he is doing down there is doing things to me. Good thing everyone thought I was scared of what had happened. I only had a scratch to show.

He came back much later.

…Well that was a lot of “exploring”.

He comes to the camp outside the castle and we are ready to leave just after lunch. At first he seems reluctant to be near me. I am freaking out because well, overthinking and anxiety mixed with insecurities is a bad mix. Finally after half a day of travel, we make camp and post the watch. He comes and sit by my side when I am eating. We don’t talk about it until we are left alone to go to rest.

-I…I apologize Alfonse. It wasn’t my intention. I…it just happened.- I tell him when he doesn’t speak.

- It wasn’t my intention either…you don’t have to apologize. I have been wanting to tell you. I…have feelings for you. I just did not want to say it in a situation like that and not at a time like this. I wanted it to be special. I am in love with you _____.

-I love you too Alfonse. I have for a long time… I’m sorry I ruined it…but I could not help but enjoy having you so near.- He is scarlet red, but smiling.- Which by the way, is your fault.- He looks puzzled.- Sir you are playing dirty.

-How so? - He asks.

-You are playing hard to get with my heart.

-Oh that game you started playing with mine?-He asks arching an eyebrow.

-What? Me? When? You don’t even let me see your hands for God’s sake. I never saw you flirting with me.

-I…hold your hands.- He says blushing. Well that was so Alfonse of him.-…erm…You used to never take off that coat or those pants. You were all mysterious and unreachable- Mysterious? Well, firs time someone said that about me.

-You wanted me to take off my pants?- He turns red again -I was…insecure. I mean look at those gorgeous women out there and I get all jealous and insecure. I felt safe with my coat on. What was your excuse?

-The same…I am jealous and insecure…Well, I was at first, but then I noticed something about you. - I give him a questioning look.- You could look at any hero in the nude and not get flustered by it. When I asked you why; you told me they where just natural human bodies to you. You sounded like they were nothing special; like you had analyzed bodies so much you did not find them beautiful or sacred any more. You said you studied them at school and everyone paraded half naked in musical shows and the like. Later you told me you did find them beautiful in an artistic or scientific kind of way but it did not make it better to me.

How to make someone like you fall in love….with me? I listened to you and how you praised my intellect and skills, and I knew you were attracted to those qualities, but there are other men with intellect and skills at home too. I needed to find a way to be special to you.

It was only when we met that other Alfonse dressed in a bunny costume that I understood. The way you looked at him made me so envious and jealous. What was so special about him? I saw you ogle his body like he was the most sinful of apparitions, and he looked just like me! I was frustrated. That same evening I saw you looking differently at me, and I could not help but feel elated about it.

I spied you looking intently at my naked hands and when I put on my globes, that look of disappointment did not escape my eyes. It occurred to me that you had never seen me in any state of undress and it must have been strange to you. I understood how you felt now. I have been watching heroes for years. Beautiful women I have been watching on a daily basis and none of them feel spacial, even if they have beautiful bodies,or incredible skills. Yet the day I saw you wearing regular clothes I …well I…- He blushed, lowered his face and left the sentence hanging.

I flirted with the idea of letting you see more of me, but then I would just become like any other hero, and I wanted more than that. I want so much more.- Now he looked at me, and there was so much love and affection in his eyes, I could have melted in the spot.

I have to confess I enjoyed seeing you flustered when you could see a little of me. That made me feel special, but I did not want to be just a mystery to you either. I wanted your heart and soul,your love not only your lust. I needed to to know you loved me.

I had a talk last night with Lif. He told me they were lovers …His summoner and him. He told me I was being a fool just wasting time. He said that if you were anything like his ______, then you loved me, jut like his summoner did him. _______, I want what they had…I want everything, but I am afraid. Between this situation and the war with Embla…You understand me, don’t you?

- I understand you. I suppose the time is not right. I don’t want to look back on the day we finally are together and remember all these tragedies. You know Alfonse. You were right about me and my take on “nakedness”. I guess we are on the same page now about desire too. To us, Desire comes from love. That is what makes you and your body especial to me. I fell in love with your sharp mind and your heart first, but also thanks to your “efforts” I can understand and appreciate how special a lover’s body is. You made me understand, that what I feel for you is true love, not just infatuation or lust. Thank you. We can wait if that is your wish…if not…I will not say ‘no’ to that to be honest. I leave it to your discretion…But Alfonse, next time you go “exploring” , I want you to know, I can always lend you a hand. ;)

~*~

I write this on the day of Devotion. Alfonse and I had another talk and at the end, we decided to wait. Alfonse’s position is a little difficult, and now even more so after his father’s death. His personality makes me forget he is royalty, but the weight of his crown is a lot. He has more responsibilities and images to uphold. I want to think we have time to enjoy each other’s company, hearts and mind before we rush things any way.

Well, I have to go, my family (Yes they are my family now) is waiting for me. Sharena informed me there is a huge surprise for me. Well, Anna did owed me some favors and she designed the costumes for the Royal family.I can’t wait see Alfonse! I hear he is wearing sandals XD Wink, wink!

PS: Wait! I just realized something! Lif was actually spying on us!?

#feh #feh alfonse #feh summoner #feh alfonse x summoner #fire emblem heroes #fire emblem fanfiction #kiralfonse #fire emblem #fire emblem x reader #alfonse x reader #alfonse x summoner #feh kiran #feh lif #feh lif x reader #feh lif x summoner #feh fan fiction

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testudoaubrei-blog · 3 years

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Content note for discussions of eternal damnation, and all sorts of other shit that will trigger a lot of folks with religious trauma.

Before I get started I might as well explain where I’m coming from - unlike a lot of She-Ra fans, and a lot of queer people, I don’t have much religious trauma, or any, maybe (okay there were a number of years I was convinced I was going to hell, but that happens to everyone, right?). I was raised a liberal Christian by liberal Christian parents in the Episcopal Church, where most of my memories are overwhelmingly positive. Fuck, growing up in the 90’s, Chuch was probably the only place outside my home I didn’t have homophobia spewed at me. Because it was the 90’s and it was a fucking hellscape of bigotry where 5 year olds knew enough to taunt each other with homophobic slurs and the adults didn’t know enough to realize how fucked up that was. Anyway. This is my experience, but it is an atypical one, and I know it. Quite frankly I know that my experience of Christianity has very little at all to do with what most people experienced, or what people generally mean when they talk about Christianity as a cultural force in America today. So if you were raised Christian and you don’t recognize your theology here, congrats, neither do I, but these ideas and cultural forces are huge and powerful and dominant. And it’s this dominant Christian narrative that I’m referring to in this post. As well as, you know, a children’s cartoon about lesbian rainbow princesses. So here it goes. This is going to get batshit.

"All events whatsoever are governed by the secret counsel of God." - John Calvin

“We’re all just a bunch of wooly guys” - Noelle Stevenson

This is a post triggered by a single scene, and a single line. It’s one of the most fucked-up scenes in She-Ra, toward the end of Save the Cat. Catra, turned into a puppet by Prime, struggles with her chip, desperately trying to gain control of herself, so lost and scared and vulnerable that she flings aside her own death wish and her pride and tearfully begs Adora to rescue her. Adora reaches out , about to grab her, and then Prime takes control back, pronounces ‘disappointing’ and activates the kill switch that pitches Catra off the platform and to her death (and seriously, she dies here, guys - also Adora breaks both her legs in the fall). But before he does, he dismisses Catra with one of his most chilling lines. “Some creatures are meant only for destruction.”

And that’s when everyone watching probably had their heart broken a little bit, but some of the viewers raised in or around Christianity watching the same scene probably whispered ‘holy shit’ to themselves. Because Prime’s line - which works as a chilling and callous dismissal of Catra - is also an allusion to a passage from the Bible. In fact, it’s from one of the most fucked up passages in a book with more than its share of fucked up passages. It’s from Romans 9:22, and I’m going to quote several previous verses to give the context of the passage (if not the entire Epistle, which is more about who needs to abide by Jewish dietary restrictions but was used to construct a systematic theology in the centuries afterwards because people decided it was Eternal Truth).

19 Thou wilt say then unto me, Why doth he yet find fault? For who hath resisted his will?

20 Nay but, O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus?

21 Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour?

22 What if God, willing to shew his wrath, and to make his power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath fitted to destruction:

The context of the allusion supports the context in the show. Prime is dismissing Catra - serial betrayer, liar, failed conqueror, former bloody-handed warlord - as worthless, as having always been worthless and fit only to be destroyed. He is speaking from a divine and authoritative perspective (because he really does think he’s God, more of this in my TL/DR Horde Prime thing). Prime is echoing not only his own haughty dismissal of Catra, and Shadow Weaver’s view of her, but also perhaps the viewer’s harshest assessment of her, and her own worst fears about herself. Catra was bad from the start, doomed to destroy and to be destroyed. A malformed pot, cracked in firing, destined to be shattered against a wall and have her shards classified by some future archaeologist 2,000 years later. And all that’s bad enough.

But the full historical and theological context of this passage shows the real depth of Noelle Stevenson’s passion and thought and care when writing this show. Noelle was raised in Evangelical or Fundamentalist Christianity. To my knowledge, he has never specified what sect or denomination, but in interviews and her memoir Noelle has shown a particular concern for questions that this passage raises, and a particular loathing for the strains of Protestant theology that take this passage and run with it - that is to say, Calvinism. So while I’m not sure if Noelle was raised as a conservative, Calvinist Presbyterian, his preoccupation with these questions mean that it’s time to talk about Calvinism.

It would be unfair, perhaps, to say that Calvinism is a systematic theology built entirely upon the Epistles of Romans and Galatians, but only -just- (and here my Catholic readers in particular will chuckle to themselves and lovingly stroke their favorite passage of the Epistle of James). The core of Calvinist Doctrine is often expressed by the very Dutch acronym TULIP:

Total Depravity - people are wholly evil, and incapable of good action or even willing good thoughts or deeds

Unconditional Election - God chooses some people to save because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, not because they did anything to deserve, trigger or accept it

Limited Atonement - Jesus died only to save the people God chose to save, not the rest of us bastards

Irresistible Grace - God chooses some people to be saved - if you didn’t want to be saved, too bad, God said so.

Perseverance of the Saints - People often forget this one and assume it’s ‘predestination’ but it’s actually this - basically, once saved by God, always saved, and if it looks like someone falls out of grace, they were never saved to begin with. Well that’s all sealed up tight I guess.

Reading through these, predestination isn’t a single doctrine in Calvinism but the entire theological underpinnings of it together with humanity’s utter powerlessness before sin. Basically God has all agency, humanity has none. Calvinism (and a lot of early modern Protestantism) is obsessed with questions of how God saves people (grace alone, AKA Sola Fides) and who God saves (the people god elects and only the people God elects, and fuck everyone else).

It’s apparent that Noelle was really taken by these questions, and repelled by the answers he heard. He’s alluded to having a tattoo refuting the Gospel passage about Sheep and Goats being sorted at the end times, affirming instead that ‘we’re all just a bunch of wooly guys’ (you can see this goat tattoo in some of his self-portraits in comics, etc). He’s also mentioned that rejecting and subverting destiny is a huge part of everything he writes as a particular rejection of the idea that some individual people are 'chosen' by God or that God has a plan for any of us. You can see that -so clearly- in Adora’s arc, where Adora embraces and then rejects destiny time and again and finally learns to live life for herself.

But for Catra, we’re much more concerned about the most negative aspect of this - the idea that some people are vessels meant for destruction. And that’s something else that Noelle is preoccupied with. In her memoir in the section about leaving the church and becoming a humanistic atheist, there is a drawing of a pot and the question ‘Am I a vessel prepared for destruction?’ Obviously this was on Noelle’s mind (And this is before he came out to himself as queer!).

To look at how this question plays out in Catra’s entire arc, let’s first talk about how ideas of damnation and salvation actually play out in society. And for that I’m going to plug one of my favorite books, Gin Lun’s Damned Nation: Hell in America from the Revolution to Reconstruction (if you can tell by now, I am a fucking blast at parties). Lun tells the long and very interesting story about, how ideas of hell and who went there changed during the Early American Republic. One of the interesting developments that she talks about is how while at first people who were repelled by Calvinism started moving toward a doctrine of universal salvation (no on goes to hell, at least not forever*), eventually they decided that hell was fine as long as only the right kind of people went there. Mostly The Other - non-Christian foreigners, Catholics, Atheists, people who were sinners in ways that were not just bad but weird and violated Victorian ideas of respectability. Really, Hell became a way of othering people, and arguably that’s how it survives today, especially as a way to other queer people (but expanding this is slated for my Montero rant). Now while a lot of people were consciously rejecting Calvinist predestination, they were still drawing the distinction between the Elect (good, saved, worthwhile) and the everyone else (bad, damned, worthless). I would argue that secularized ideas of this survive to this day even among non-Christian spaces in our society - we like to draw lines between those who Elect, and those who aren’t.

And that’s what brings us back to Catra. Because Catra’s entire arc is a refutation of the idea that some people are worthless and irredeemable, either by nature, nurture or their own actions. Catra’s actions strain the conventions of who is sympathetic in a Kid’s cartoon - I’ve half joked that she’s Walter White as a cat girl, and it’s only half a joke. She’s cruel, self-deluded, she spends 4 seasons refusing to take responsibility for anything she does and until Season 5 she just about always chooses the thing that does the most damage to herself and others. As I mentioned in my Catra rant, the show goes out of its way to demonstrate that Catra is morally culpable in every step of her descent into evil (except maybe her break with reality just before she pulls the lever). The way that Catra personally betrays everyone around her, the way she strips herself of all of her better qualities and most of what makes her human, hell even her costume changes would signal in any other show that she’s irredeemable.

It’s tempting to see this as Noelle’s version of being edgy - pushing the boundaries of what a sympathetic character is, throwing out antiheroics in favor of just making the villain a protagonist. Noelle isn’t quite Alex ‘I am in the business of traumatizing children’ Hirsch, who seems to have viewed his job as pushing the bounds of what you could show on the Disney Channel (I saw Gravity Falls as an adult and a bunch of that shit lives rent free in my nightmares forever), but Noelle has his own dark side, mostly thematically. The show’s willingness to deal with abuse, and messed up religious themes, and volatile, passionate, not particularly healthy relationships feels pretty daring. I’m not joking when I gleefully recommend this show to friends as ‘a couple from a Mountain Goats Song fights for four seasons in a cartoon intended for 9 year olds’. Noelle is in his own way pushing the boundaries of what a kids show can do. If you read Noelle’s other works like Nimona, you see an argument for Noelle being at least a bit edgy. Nimona is also angry, gleefully destructive, violent and spiteful - not unlike Catra. Given that it was a 2010s webcomic and not a kids show, Nimona is a good deal worse than Catra in some ways - Catra doesn’t kill people on screen, while Nimona laughs about it (that was just like, a webcomic thing - one of the fan favorite characters in my personal favorite, Narbonic, was a fucking sociopath, and the heroes were all amoral mad scientists, except for the superintelligent gerbil**). But unlike Nimona, whose fate is left open ended, Catra is redeemed.

And that is weird. We’ve had redemption arcs, but generally not of characters with -so- much vile stuff in their history. Going back to the comparison between her and Azula, many other shows, like Avatar, would have made Catra a semi-sympathetic villain who has a sob-story in their origin but who is beyond redemption, and in so doing would articulate a kind of psychologized Calvinism where some people are too traumatized to ever be fully and truly human. I’d argue this is the problem with Azula as a character - she’s a fun villain, but she doesn’t have moral agency, and the ultimate message of her arc - that she’s a broken person destined only to hurt people - is actually pretty fucked up. And that’s the origin story of so many serial killers and psycopaths that populate so many TV shows and movies. Beyond ‘hurt people hurt people’ they have nothing to teach us except perhaps that trauma makes you a monster and that the only possible response to people doing bad things is to cut them out of your life and out of our society (and that’s why we have prisons, right?)

And so Catra’s redemption and the depths from which she claws herself back goes back to Noelle’s desire to prove that no person is a vessel ‘fitted for destruction.’ Catra goes about as far down the path of evil as we’ve ever seen a protagonist in a kids show go, and she still has the capacity for good. Importantly, she is not subject to total depravity - she is capable of a good act, if only one at first. Catra is the one who begins her own redemption (unlike in Calvinism, where grace is unearned and even unwelcomed) - because she wants something better than what she has, even if its too late, because she realizes that she never wanted any of this anyway, because she wants to do one good thing once in her life even if it kills her.

The very extremity of Catra’s descent into villainy serves to underline the point that Noelle is trying to make - that no one can be written off completely, that everyone is capable of change, and that no human being is garbage, no matter how twisted they’ve become. Meanwhile her ability to set her own redemption in motion is a powerful statement of human agency, and healing, and a refutation of Calvinism’s idea that we are powerless before sin or pop cultural tropes about us being powerful before the traumas of our upbringing. Catra’s arc, then, is a kind of anti-Calvinist theological statement - about the nature of people and the nature of goodness.

Now, there is a darker side to this that Noelle has only hinted at, but which is suggested by other characters on the show. Because while Catra’s redemption shows that people are capable of change, even when they’ve done horrible things, been fucked up and fucked themselves up, it also illustrates the things people do to themselves that make change hard. As I mentioned in my Catra rant, two of the most sinister parts of her descent into villainy are her self-dehumanization (crushing her own compassion and desire to do good) and her rewriting of her own history in her speech and memory to make her own actions seem justified (which we see with her insistence that Adora left her, eliding Adora’s offers to have Catra join her, or her even more clearly false insistence that Entrapta had betrayed them). In Catra, these processes keep her going down the path of evil, and allow her to nearly destroy herself and everyone else. But we can see the same processes at work in two much darker figures - Shadow Weaver and Horde Prime. These are both rants for another day, but the completeness of Shadow Weaver’s narcissistic self-justification and cultivated callousness and the even more complete narcissism of Prime’s god complex cut both characters off from everyone around them. Perhaps, in a theoretical sense, they are still redeemable, but for narrative purposes they might as well be damned.

This willingness to show a case where someone -isn’t- redeemed actually serves to make Catra’s redemption more believable, especially since Noelle and the writers draw the distinction between how Catra and SW/Prime can relate to reality and other people, not how broken they are by their trauma (unlike Zuko and Azula, who are differentiated by How Fucked Uolp They Are). Redemption is there, it’s an option, we can always do what is right, but someone people will choose not to, in part because doing the right thing involves opening ourselves to the world and others, and thus being vulnerable. Noelle mentions this offhandedly in an interview after Season 1 with the She-Ra Progressive of Power podcast - “I sometimes think that shades of grey, sympathetic villains are part of the escapist fantasy of shows like this.” Because in the real world, some people are just bastards, a point that was particularly clear in 2017. Prime and Shadow Weaver admit this reality, while Catra makes a philosophical point that even the bastards can change their ways (at least in theory).

*An idea first proposed in the second century by Origen, who’s a trip and a fucking half by himself, and an idea that becomes the Catholic doctrine of purgatory, which protestants vehemently denied!

**Speaking of favorite Noelle tropes

#she ra horde prime #she ra #she ra catra #she ra spoilers #redemption arcs #toxic religion

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yandere-daydreams · 4 years

Text

Kinktober - Day Twenty-Nine

Prompt: Tutor Kink

Pairing: Bokuto/Reader & Akaashi/Reader (Haikyuu!!)

TW: Non-Con, AFAB!Reader, College AU, Non-Consensual Touching, Semi-Public Sex, Molestation, Slight Victim Blaming, and Implied Future Non-Con.

You should’ve known something was wrong as soon as you saw Akaashi.

You could believe that Bokuto needed your help. You didn’t have to believe it, honestly, because he did need your help, he needed as much as he could get. When he’d approached you after a lecture, last month’s assignment balled in his fist and a disappointed pout already painted across his expression, you’d been sure of that, and you’d liked the idea of helping one of your more enthusiastic classmates out. You should’ve hesitated when he asked you to meet him at the campus library in the middle of the night, but he was an athlete, he had a busy schedule. You should’ve been put-off by how excite he seemed, when you agreed to help him study, and you should’ve grabbed your things and gone back to your dorm the moment your eyes met Akaashi’s, tucked into a secluded booth set apart from the rest of the empty tables. Akaashi’d never failed a pop quiz, let alone an exam. Akaashi didn’t need your help, and if Bokuto had Akaashi, Bokuto shouldn’t, either.

You should’ve, but you hadn’t. Bokuto seemed harmless, and you’d been so sure Akaashi wouldn’t do anything, not in public. You’d been so, so sure.

It’s almost funny, how smart people make such stupid mistakes.

You shouldn’t have worn a skirt. You doubted a few extra buttons would’ve stopped Akaashi, but you wouldn’t have to feel fabric rustle against your skin every time his wrist arched, bunching around your waist and doing little to obscure the sight of his hand snaked down your panties, his thumb toying with your clit as two fingers eased into your cunt. You’d tried to get up when you felt him touching you, tried to leave, your reputation be damned, but Bokuto was faster than you could ever hope to be, more reflexive, stronger, and just the weight of his arm around your midriff had been enough to stop you, to keep you rooted to your seat as he nudged his latest draft in front of you and his friend leaned onto your shoulder to get a better view, Akaashi’s demeanor so stoic and so casual, you might’ve thought he was just playing with your pussy to keep his hands busy. He might’ve been, honestly. He could’ve been. You could never get a good grip on people like him, not when their passivity was as practiced as his.

“I just don’t get what I’m doing wrong.” Bokuto wasn’t any better, albeit a bit more obvious with his intentions. Even as he gestured to his paper, that perpetual whine heavy in his voice, his gaze kept drifting, wandering, falling to your heaving chest and the lip trapped between your teeth and all the signs and tells and evidence Akaashi’s work milked out of you. It was perverted. It was perverted, and it was sickening, and it was illegal, but Akaashi knew what he was doing, just when to spread his fingers, just where to rub and prod to make you want to curl into yourself and bury your face on the cluttered tabletop and scream. Bokuto’s interest was obvious, his awareness even more so, but he was more than happy to pretend it wasn’t. You could only be thankful he was so used to acting oblivious. “I mean, I’m using quotes, and I’m talking about the sonnet. That’s what they want, right?”

“Y-you’re not supposed to--” They might’ve been able to act like nothing was wrong, but it was more difficult for you. Everything made you feel breathless, from the idea of doing something so dirty in such a public place to the feeling of your own slick building up and dripping onto your thighs, pooling on the cushioned bench below you. It was humiliating. It was humiliating, and if not for Akaashi’s stare burning into the back of your neck, for the way Bokuto’s grip tightened every time you shifted, you wouldn’t be able to take it. You didn’t want to take it.

It didn’t seem like you had a choice, though.

“You have to embed,” You managed, Akaashi choosing that moment to sink the full length of his fingers into you, down to the knuckle, and making the last word coming out fractured, too cracked not to be suspicious. A student browsing a nearby shelf glanced towards you, absentmindedly, and you glared at the paper in front of you, doing your best not to go any tenser than you already had. “It’s not enough to have evidence, you have to… you have to work it in smoothly, and--” Another finger, Akaashi barely teasing your slit before sliding it in, taking a second or two to scissor you apart properly before returning to his constant, unbearable pace. “And-- and it’s proof, you have to prove that your interpretation is--”

“It’s an argument, Bokuto-san. You’re arguing your case, and you’re supposed to use words and phrases to do that.” You could feel Akaashi’s lips moving against your shoulder, his weight settling into your back. Briefly, his gaze drifted away from you, and towards Bokuto’s essay. “Specific words and phrases, when you’re discussing tone. Quoting an entire stanza is usually considered bad form.”

Bokuto said something about that. You think he said something about that, at least, because you stopped paying attention as soon as Akaashi’s free hand fell to your side, his face finding the crook of your neck as he started fucking into you in earnest. You wanted to do something. You wanted to stop him, but your complaints and rejections and all of it got caught in your throat as you lurched forward, Bokuto catching you with an airy laugh. He almost sounded surprised, but every trace of shock was gone by the time he opened his mouth. “He’s good with his hands, huh?” He asked, acknowledging your violation but not straying from his unaffected tone, never straying from it, even as he held you to his chest, encouraging you to hide your face in his hoodie while Akaashi pinned down your bucking hips and twisted, hitting every sensitive, neglected spot inside of you in one seamless motion. You tried to whimper, but Bokuto only chuckled, hushing you as he carded his fingers through your hair. “He’s almost done, baby, just let ‘kaashi have his fun. He‘s been dying to do this ever since he found out how pretty my new tutor was.”

Holding onto Bokuto wasn’t a choice, at that point. You clung to him, digging your nails into his biceps as Akaashi’s palm ground against your clit and your whole body seemed to burn. You almost moaned, you almost sobbed, but Bokuto was fast, he was so fast. His palm was over your mouth by the time you could think about opening it, muffing any sound you might’ve bad as you clenched around his best friend’s fingers, Akaashi suddenly feeling generous enough to carry you through your orgasm, only stopping when the first pangs of over-stimulation made your eyes water and your legs twitch. Even then, you didn’t try to get away from Bokuto. You couldn’t have, even if you did.

His grip was iron-clad, and he didn’t seem to have any intention of letting go.

“Look at that, Keiji, you made ‘em cry.” The comment earned a polite nod, a small ‘sorry’ as Akaashi pulled away, but there was little remorse in either of their voices. If anything, Bokuto sounded just as happy as ever - happier, even, with all the childish joviality you’d grown used to and something else mixed in, an eagerness, an impatience. One that only seemed to grow more expectant, as he went on. “I’m not mad, but…”

There was a pause, a smile, a kiss pushed into the top of your head. For the first time, you wondered why you ever thought Bokuto was so harmless.

“You interrupted our study date. We should go over the material more thoroughly back at our apartment.”

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