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letsbenditlikebennett · 10 months

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TIMING: Just after the July full moon when they were both still sleepy, sore werewolves. LOCATION: UMWR, Chemistry Building PARTIES: @lithium-argon-wo-l-f & @letsbenditlikebennett SUMMARY: Alex was feeling a little foggy on that week's material, so she went to see Gael during office hours only to pick up on their shared nature.

The days that followed the full moon had always felt especially long. Though her body wasn’t filled with the same muscles and aches she’d grown familiar with when she was younger, Alex had a busy schedule that didn’t allow for a day of sleep after a sleepless night of devouring whatever forest critters Andy put in the bunker with her. She did her best to counteract the lethargy with cold brew coffees. They helped a little bit, but even the caffeine couldn’t counteract that she chose to listen for Kaden’s breathing rather than taking her usual morning nap. So it didn’t come as a huge surprise when she still found her mind was somewhat in a haze during her last chemistry lecture and now the homework looked like it may as well have been in Greek.

While Alex did make a point to visit her professors during office hours, she usually likes to show up with more abstract questions about application— questions that made her look smart and left the professor with a good impression of her. She desperately craved the approval in the form of external validation that only a parent-aged adult could provide. Her own parents never seemed impressed no matter how hard she tried and the pleased look from instructors would never change that, but they sure as hell softened the blow— gave her something more achievable to strive towards.

So, Alex wasn’t too happy about having her first trip to Professor Cordova be filled with questions that just made it look like she wasn’t paying attention in class. If she wanted to understand the material and pass the class, it was a necessity, especially considering she was exploring other science to potentially minor in. As she weaved through the brick buildings of the campus, she rehearsed what she was going to say in her mind. When she reached the chemistry building, she was finally feeling better about the prospect of asking seemingly basic questions he had already answered in class. When she reached his office, she lightly rapped on the door. With confirmation she could enter, she peeked her head in through the crack in the door and waved, “Hi, Professor Cordova.”

The office smelled strange as she entered it. Not bad, but familiar. Various chemicals were present in the air, so she couldn’t quite place her finger on it. As curious as she was, she wasn’t trying to look like a lunatic sniffing about the professor’s office like some sort of bloodhound. “I had some questions about some stuff on this week’s homework assignment,” she started. Damn, that was not how she had rehearsed it in her head. Stupid super nose. “Sorry,” she blurted, “I’m not asking for answers to the homework. I have my actual notes on the concepts I’m struggling with. I just wasn’t feeling great last class so most of it went over my head.”

— He just wanted to sleep. The past weekend had been uncharacteristically rough for Gael, between the visit with Monty, whatever the hell happened with Leticia and even the… he wasn’t even sure what it was called with Elias. His body was sore, that wasn’t new, but the nightmare and the lingering feeling of nausea certainly was. What else was new was that for the first time in a long time, he fell asleep during his lunch break. Fortunately, there were fewer classes in the summer so he was afforded more time to spend by himself. With his thoughts. So that’s what he was doing right now, having completely and accidentally fallen forward on his desk, still holding a pen as it drooped in his hand with its loosening grip. Gael hadn’t reached REM yet, fortunately, and he was cognizant enough to hear someone knocking on his door where he jerked awake, the pen gently flinging out of his hand. “Yes?” He managed to call coherently as he blinked blearily, trying to wake up quickly as he heard a voice accompanied with a small wave out of his peripheral vision. Reaching up to adjust his hair really quick as it’d since flopped onto his forehead messily, Gael turned his gaze to the young, fiery-haired girl that entered his office and he offered a warm smile that easily reached his eyes. “Of course.” He replied lightly, slowly getting to his feet and placing a hand on his back as he did so, doing his best not to let the brief pained grimace paint his face. “Between you and me, I should’ve worded some of the lecture better; I’ve been a little out of sorts, too, so I apologize for not being more coherent.” He examined her face for a moment, tilting his head slightly. “You’re… Alex Bennett, right?” He asked, motioning for her to take a seat if she preferred.

There was some sense of ease to be found in the fact the professor had seemed like her presence had shaken him awake. Maybe it didn’t bolster her with the kind of confidence that would make her stop scavenging for scraps of validation, but it was something. Alex felt the nervous tension in her shoulders dissipate as she offered an easy smile. “Guess we both are having a bit of a week, then.”

A small sense of solidarity that she could easily mirror. It helped when it wasn’t entirely forced, though Alex wasn’t about to tread any deeper than that. She put on a good show— so good that it made adults feel inclined to check in on her as if she wasn’t the monster that she knew she was. Relaxed was the way to play this, which was much easier now that she didn’t feel quite as self conscious.

“Yep, I’m Alex,” she smiled. She’d always preferred the nickname to Alexandra. Somewhere in the mix of her grief, it felt like a small victory that legally her name was just Alex now. Not that she’d ever let herself say or even realize as much. Instead, she was caught by something in the air, something familiar. She froze in her place, not wanting to obviously sniff the office, but it was becoming increasingly overwhelming. It was animalistic like her— like Alan. Her heart was going rapidfire in her chest and she had to remind herself, Alan was okay. This werewolf could be okay, too. He was just her chemistry professor for crying out loud. Still, she studied him with a worried gaze. She’d put off getting to know others like her for so long and now that she was opening herself up to the idea, it felt like trying to slip on a pair of boots that didn’t quite fit. Because she didn’t fit.

“Are you picking up on that,” Alex asked with an arched brow, hoping to not have to elaborate further because she wasn’t sure if she could.

She seemed to relax slightly at first which was good for Gael - he could try all he wanted but he didn’t think he had the mental fortitude or required eloquence to have a functional conversation with a student who was going to be strictly professional and uptight. Not that he minded those kids, of course, but there was something unifying he felt when she confirmed that it wasn’t the day insomuch as it was the week. And he wasn’t sure what her reasoning was, though he also remembered being a college kid once and he often lost track of the days when he was out partying and still managing to find time to study and do well in school. He looked back on those days and started to wonder how he did it when the answer came to him a second or two later and he no longer wondered. He was here today though and he needed to stop thinking about the past. Normally he didn’t but he was still waking up, he figured. “It’s nice to meet you outside of class, Alex.” Gael nodded his head, leaning against his desk in that way teachers and professors did as he kept his dark eyes on her. …And then Gael noticed that she was giving him an expression, one that he didn’t think was entirely positive. Her body language was incredibly stiff and now that he was paying attention, his own gaze dropped, lidding his eyes as he heard something. It sounded like… her heartbeat, pulsing in her chest and much too high for it to be normal. His own expression grew with concern though it was partially hidden behind his mop of hair and the beard he’d grown in a shockingly small amount of time. “Picking up on what?” Gael asked before licking his lower lip. “Is everything okay?”

“You too, Professor Córdova,” Alex responded with a practiced easy smile. Even if she had opened herself up to the idea of letting Alan be part of her life, there was still hesitation there. She didn’t like that he killed hunters– or anyone for that. Still, some small part of her longed for his approval despite that. Opening herself up to the idea of getting to know other werewolves, or even other supernatural beings, was still new to her. It still didn’t feel entirely natural yet and having a werewolf as a chemistry professor hadn’t been something she was anticipating. It wasn’t bad. If she could try to find a mentor of sorts in Alan, she could work with her instructor being a werewolf.

That was, until Alex noticed the puzzled expression on his face and the way he studied her. The way his answer to her question had essentially been more questions. The can of vienna sausages she had eaten for lunch was no longer sitting quite so well. He was a werewolf who didn’t realize he was a werewolf, which made him a danger to others. But how was she supposed to fix that? How was she even supposed to broach the subject without her professor thinking she was absolutely insane?

“The…,” Alex trailed off, at a complete loss of how to answer that question. Her eyes scanned the books on his shelves, repeating the titles in her mind until she felt the rapid pace of her heart begin to slow. “The full moon just passed. You’re not feeling good after it, right? Maybe don’t fully even remember it?”

It was hardly the smoothest line of questioning, but Alex needed to gauge how much he knew before she dove into her questions on chemistry, which suddenly seemed largely unimportant if her teacher didn’t realize what he was and the danger he was putting others in by simply existing without that knowledge. “Sorry, maybe not the most appropriate thing to ask.”

Gael wasn’t sure what line was crossed without him knowing it as her demeanor changed a little more to reflect that previous anxiety that she seemed to have when she first walked in. His eyes followed her as she looked at the full shelves instead of at him and he wondered if that was what she did to cope with stress, which he still wasn’t sure what he’d done to work her up. Then she brought up the full moon, the feelings, the memory loss and Gael felt something knot unpleasantly in his throat for a moment. Did word get out that he was a chronic sleepwalker? He’d gotten very lucky with the schools administration and dean, allowing him accommodations for the problem and while he had assumed that it was something to do with the pressure in the air caused by the lunar cycle, he didn’t think much more on it than that. Or perhaps it didn’t get out that he was a sleepwalker; should Gael place his burdens on this young girl? She was asking him, true, but he didn’t feel like it was his place to overshare his personal life with her. “No no, you’re fine.” He cleared his throat, trying to recover from the thoughts that got away from him for a moment. “I, uh…” He faltered; perhaps… Was she similar to him? Is that why she was asking. “Is that how you feel right now?” He decided to ask her first, gauge her reaction to see how much information he felt appropriate to indulge to her. “Would you like to take a seat?”

Sometimes, Alex wished she had been born knowing nothing about the supernatural and that she could just exist without having that awareness always above her head. All she had wanted to do was get some clarity on some concepts that were coming up in the homework that she wasn’t feeling so confident on. Maybe have some easy conversation about science and stuff going on around campus as a nice little exchange of pleasantries like a normal fucking student. But she knew better, knew what they were both capable of if they weren’t careful. Yet here he was right in front of her with kind eyes, that despite the dark circles that lingered under them, were laced with a hint of worry. How was she supposed to reconcile that? How was she supposed to force this world on him when she herself wanted so desperately to be anything other than what she was?

And this was on her. This couldn’t be yet another problem that Andy had to take care of. Alex knew she had her plate full with whatever this other hunter was up to. Which made her being anywhere near her professor dangerous. She placed a hand down on her knee, heavily, forcing the turmoil that was brewing to keep a more stagnant outward appearance. She looked back to her professor. “Thanks,” she offered, half-heartedly. He was still confused, but in some of that confusion, maybe he was connecting some dots. She really hoped she was connecting even a singular fucking dot.

“Yeah,” Alex answered, “Have been most of my life. Can kind of tell when others…” How did she put it? Hey prof, not to sound like I have absolutely zero grip on reality, but you smell like a canine. Not exactly the most flattering thing in the world to say. There had to be another way to frame it, some other aspect of lycanthropy she could use to clue him in, let him know that there’s help. She had to make sure he was somewhere safe before the next full moon.

It clicked. Alex stood up and squared her shoulders to give some illusion of confidence. “Close your eyes and listen,” she explained, “It sounds weird and I know you don’t actually know me, but just– please try it?” There was a certain hint of desperation in her voice. If she couldn’t even help protect people when there wasn’t the threat of a fight, what good was she? She did a quick round of jumping jacks to get her heart racing at a pace more rapid than Professor Córdova’s. She stopped her movement completely when she could hear clearly the asynchronicity in their heartbeats. “Listen closely,” she whispered, backing towards the opposite side of the office with light footsteps, “You can hear it, right? Your heartbeat and mine— perfectly even though we’re not in close enough proximity for that to be possible?”

Gael wasn’t sure what was going on. Was Alex sent there to keep tabs on him? Was she someone that Emilio sent because of some conversation they had online? Or maybe Alan sent her - he had found another sleepwalker and was pushing for this unity in what they were? …What were they? Why was Gael thinking about this now? He needed to keep himself calm despite his soreness and the questions and other things Alex was now telling him; something was clearly riling her up, adding to the exhaustion on her young features but he wasn’t sure what he could do. He thought she was here to talk about chemistry but instead she was stressing out about something. There was something that gave him pause when the student said that she’d been dealing with it for most of her life and his heart hurt for her - he’d only been dealing with it for about a year now… he couldn’t imagine the stress it must’ve placed on her. They didn’t know each other but Gael wanted to already offer her a hand in a comforting gesture, perhaps a cup of tea and some words of assurance but he he didn’t want to come off too strongly so instead, he just stood there and started to hold up his hand in an attempt to maybe calm them both down when she suddenly had a different idea, one that seemed to shift her demeanor. He looked at her earnestly and though there was some hesitation behind her asking him to close his eyes, he heard the pleading in her voice and he gave her a small nod. “Okay.” So he did. Gael closed his eyes and they darted under their eyelids as he wondered what her impromptu exercise was, both figuratively and literally as it sounded like she was doing something not online jumping jacks. The longer his eyes stayed closed, however, the more he could feel something else, something different - his other senses were compensating for his lack of sight whether he asked them to or not. She told him to listen closely but he didn’t get to choose that as he could hear his heartbeat, but also… the professor tilted his head in the direction she had quietly stepped as he did hear it. Her heartbeat. Gael gulped, his eyes still closed. She whispered to him, something else he shouldn’t have been able to hear. Alan was the same way when they sat on the bench, the things Monty would say under his breath, the things Elias would say under his when they thought other people couldn’t hear. The way Gael could hear a heartbeat or a lack thereof. Recognizing a scent before his vision could. “Are you… like me?” He asked just as quietly. “Are you a sleepwalker too?” It was a bold question and he was putting himself out there, not sure if that was the purpose of the exercise but if she wasn’t, she could just dismiss him as crazy. He figured he had to have been nowadays between the things he’d been told and the brain injury he’d sustained, the defect in his mind that gave him strange abilities yet stripped agency and control from him every now and then as compensation.

Even if he didn’t understand, Gael was kind enough to go along with her request. Part of her was embarrassed. Alex knew she must have looked sleep-deprived and somewhat crazed to her professor, someone she desperately wanted to like her, but this was too important to ignore. It wasn’t just the human lives on the line— it was his. This was the only class she was taking this summer and with this hunter recognizing Andy, it was only a matter of time before he found her. Or some other hunter catching him because he wasn’t taking the necessary precautions. There was too much at risk and this little exercise was a desperate attempt to mitigate some of it.

There was a certain relief when he asked if she was like him. Even if he didn’t know what like him meant, it was a start. An important one. Alex nodded as she tried to figure out the right words to say. Correcting him on the sleepwalker thing with werewolf probably wasn’t the move, even if it was the truth. If he thought it was sleepwalking, this must still be fairly new to him, that he hadn’t start to remember what he did in the nights just yet. Or maybe he thought they were simply dreams, but did he not wake up covered in blood? Seemed unlikely.

“I am,” Alex answered, “I’m a sleepwalker, it… lines up with the lunar cycle. Heightens our senses.” If she could explain it like a sickness, maybe it would be easier for him to understand. She wasn’t quite sure how that would work for getting him to lock himself up during the full moon go… especially not in a bunker with her and a bunch of small critters, but she’d talk to Alan, Andy, and Kaden. She’d figure something out. She had to. “That’s how you could hear me… and how I can smell that we’re the same.”

She wished she could simply take this off his plate. Alex had a hard enough time with reckoning with what she was and she grew up knowing werewolves existed. Her professor had no knowledge of this stuff, he could have gone the rest of his life without having the burden of supernatural sitting on his shoulders, but that had been taken from him. It made her sad for him. “It gets easier,” she finally said, “Doesn’t hurt as much after a while and you start to remember more.” Not that she was sure remembering was all it cracked up to be. Even if it was only forest critters, Alex didn’t love remembering the ways she ferociously ripped them apart or how their blood felt as it coated her skin the following morning.

“I can help,” she explained, “My sister has gotten really good at taking care of me through all of it… and I know someone else like us, too. It can be dangerous if you don’t— It’s more dangerous than normal sleepwalking. Will you please let me help?”

Gael opened his eyes again slowly as Alex explained some of the things that his mind had been trying to rationalize for months now, things that he was very recently coming around to. Smelling things that might not’ve been there… or who had been there before, recalling that he could tell where Elias had lingered in the house the longest, been able to hear an argument down the street or the heartbeat of a student who was stressed about something even though it was impossible. He attributed these strange new sensations to something in his head getting screwed up during that animal attack. His expression shifted and Gael couldn’t keep it from subtly morphing from kind, if somewhat confused curiosity into further concern and more empathy for the girl’s plight, how she’d dealt with this for most of her life and when she said it got easier, that it would hurt less and he’d remember more, his breath caught in his throat without him even realizing it. It was his turn for his heartbeat to accelerate, though he didn’t know why as an animal part of his brain activated for a moment. While he would’ve loved the pain to subside, wishing that his back could go back to before the accident, he felt something tugging on his brain. He… wasn’t sure if he wanted to remember. There was a beautiful ignorance to Gael right now, a simple explanation that he’d grown accustomed to using ever since. He didn’t remember whatever it was, he just wake up. Sometimes he was out in the middle of nowhere covered in animal blood as though he were part of some ritualistic sacrifice that he wasn’t privy to, sometimes he was in his bathroom that was torn up beyond recognition, his towel ripped to shreds, blood from an unidentified source smeared on the wall. Sometimes with fur that he attributed to his bath mat that was made of similar material and every single time with an implacable, yet overwhelming vice grip of pain that made him feel like he’d been completely torn apart and shoddily rearranged. A plaything for whatever compelled him on those nights where he was agitated and disoriented, buzzing with energy that came from nowhere. At least, that’s how it was until a few nights ago. Gael didn’t want to think of the nightmare he had, the shadowed figure that stood on two legs. He didn’t want to think about the animals he killed, the people he couldn’t explain why he did the things he did aside from “it’s a brain injury” and to apologize profusely for what he did. He was thankful that he didn’t have enough shame to be lastingly embarrassed for being woken up completely au naturale in places that he should’ve been, along with being thankful that he never got put on any lists or sent to jail for being bloody. Then Alex said she wanted to help. The professor looked at her, his eyes partially lidded and brow knitted in the middle, his dark-ringed eyes meeting her own and Gael didn’t understand why, but he could tell that whatever this affliction was, she didn’t know him and yet felt so strongly about this that it managed to pierce through his reservations. “...Okay.” He relinquished it with a small nod to reinforce what he said. “Yes– yes, of course you can help.” He inhaled and licked his lower lip, looking down at his desk as he affirmed his answer, now feeling his heart beating anxiously in his chest cavity.

For as long as she could remember, Alex had been observant. It was a learned defense mechanism that stuck with her through the years and it was in full swing as she watched Gael process what she had proposed. Her eyes, while kind and offering sympathy, were discerning. She listened to every beat of his heart and noted the way the pace picked up. It was an indication that he knew something serious was wrong even if he didn’t quite understand it. This was overwhelming for him and she couldn’t fault him for that. It had been thirteen years and she still grappled with the reality of what she was despite the fact she’d grown up knowing about werewolves. The supernatural had always been a reality for her and that made it easier in some ways.

Her professor didn’t have that same background and was going into this whole experience blind. Alex wasn’t sure the best way to help him, but she would find a way. He seemed… caring and so normal. The word monster was starting to carry less weight than it used to, but it still sat like a weight on her shoulders. It was a weight that demanded she do what she could to mitigate any potential harm and she needed to make it work.

“Thank you,” she said softly, “I’ll figure out some ideas before the next full moon.” Getting her professor to agree to nights locked in a bunker seemed less than likely, but maybe deep woods camping with Alan? She’d figure something out. She had to. “I’ll come back tomorrow about the chemistry questions,” she started, “With coffee. Think we’ll both have a clearer head then anyway.” And maybe by then she’d have some ideas to run by him.

#wickedswriting #wr gael #threads; with gael; office hours #(never been a natural all i do is try try try) ;; writing #(the moonlight's blinding) ;; season 1 writing

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badwolf-winchester · 3 years

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Ancient Bloodlines

Pairing: Loki x Emy Nightstar (OC)

OC Summary: Emy is the newest Avenger. She specializes in Magic and close range attacks/ weapons. Her heritage is unknown to her as she was left at an orphanage door step when she was a young girl with only the memory of her name. She goes by her nickname Emy but has never told anyone her full name as its a reminder of her being abandoned. Emy can see through any illusion and Magic no matter how powerful they are or how strong the magic is and is unaware of this. Her powers include Telekinesis, Elemental Control, True Sight (as stated above) Enhanced healing and Shifting (she wont discover this till much later in the story). She loves to read, listen to music, play violin, sing, and draw.

Story Info: Takes place after infinity wars. Tony and Natasha are alive Steven comes back from the future after giving back the infinity stones. Vision is alive and living with Wanda in the tower. Thor and Loki live in the tower with the rest of the Avengers and for the sake of the story Himedall is alive and living with the rest of the Asgardians on earth in New Asgard (you will find out why later)

One last thing: Please do not repost my work on any other site or social media, however reblogging on here is fine. I work hard on all of my fanfics and it’s disappointing when people take my work as their own. I am the creater of all my OCs such as Sora Nightstar, Emy Nightstar, and Lithium Nightstar. My inbox is open for any and all requests as i am a multi fandom writer. Let me know how you like the story and i will do my best to answer any and all questions. As always i encourage any and all feedback as it helps with my writing. I hope you all like it!

The Beginning

They say that your parents are there to teach you the rules of the world, but what happens when you have no parents? Who will teach you then? The world is cruel but people are crueler. Ive learned this first hand when the person i trusted most in this world left me on the door step of the St. Trinity’s Orphanage. I was 9 when my mother told me she didn’t want me anymore and i guess I couldn’t really blame her. I mean who could love someone who couldn’t control the powers that grew with each passing year. Someone who started fires out of thin air when they had nightmares, conjured whirlwinds when startled, unfurled earthquakes when angered, spring forth rain showers when sad, and levitate objects when riddled with anxiety. I will never forget that day for its seared into my mind like its own person brand echoing with every beat of my heart. A monster thats what she called me, her own flesh and blood was a monster in her eyes, and i could see the relief when she ran from the solid oak door finally rid of the burden she had to put up with throughout the years. An abomination she cried as she reached the cobblestone sidewalk eager to be rid of me and by the pace she was going at i could tell she had more spring in her step than on the walk over from the bus we exited from. Unnatural she bellowed as she disappeared around the corner a ghost of a smile springing from her lips as she disappeared. These where the last words i would ever hear from my mother, if thats what you would call her.

Emy’s POV

Tonight was just like any other. Crisp cold air submerged the city in a blanket of dark and silence while it settled into your bones. I never minded the cold in fact I welcomed it, it reminded me of the cabin i found one year after running away from one of the many abusive foster homes i was forced to stay with. I’ll admit it was one of the times I was able to avoid the social workers for longer than a week and the happiest I had ever been in my life up until i was captured by Hydra. When I had a flair up with my powers, which usually ended up being fire, i would immediately get sent back to St. Trinity’s but this time i ran before they had the chance to toss me aside. The staff there used to place bets on how long i would stay with a family, they would joke saying i was cursed or jinxed but i knew the truth, no one wanted me. Once the parents found out about my abilities I was sent packing. I was labeled as a flight risk and a danger to others which only deepened my anti socialism.

Walking through the streets of New York i pull my dark purple jacket on and my dark brown hair in a pony tail as I get closer to my destination. Because i don’t feel the effects of the cold weather Tony, being such the dad figure he is, has made it his priority to make sure i still wear one just incase so here i was walking home in black ripped up jeans, a black v neck T-shirt, black and purple checkered vans and a light weight dark purple jacket. With my headphones in my ears and “I like it heavy” by Halestorm blasting I make my way to the place i call home, Stark Tower. Walking through the front doors i make my way past the receptionist who always greets me with a bright smile. As I walk towards the elevator I give her a small smile back and a head nod. After entering the elevator and pressing the button for the penthouse I start to reflect on how i got here.

By the time i was 15 Hydra found me in that cabin and took me away. I went from hopping from family to family to being used as a science experiment, constantly being poked and prodded just so they could get a reaction out of me. As a child my powers where very unstable mostly flaring up with my emotions, its no wonder that Hydra caught wind of me its not like i was hiding it very well or more so that i couldn’t hide it. They tried to wipe my memory to gain control of me “a blank slate” is what they wanted, but for some reason, they failed as I wasn’t susceptible to their conditioning methods no matter how much time i spent in the chair. However, I could tell they were scared of me I could see it in their eyes. This didn’t last long though as they used what they called their perfect weapon code name Winter Soldier to beat me into submission. After that first meeting that left me with a broken arm and a fractured ankle i started to obey, since then Ive met the Soldier a couple of times but if he remembers me he dosent let on and I dont blame him, he has been in that chair so many times Im genuinely surprised he can even remember how to walk. He is stronger than the others as most of the other test subjects had turned to vegetables after the 4th mind wipe, he was on his 10th the last time i saw him with Hydra.

Another test was done on me and this one was different. They used a teseract? If thats what they called it I can’t be sure nor did I care all I could feel was pain like as if someone injected lava in my veins. After they injected me I started screaming after a while I couldn’t even hear myself anymore, my throat was so sore and horse from the constant roar of my agony I just wanted it to end. How long was I out for? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? Days? Years? They didn’t keep clocks there or at least not in the dungeon like cell they had me in. When the fire faded i was left with this numbness and after further tests I realized that I was immune to fire. I can literally stick my hand in fire and i will be left untouched and unscorched. They did the same test with freezing temperatures to see if they could subdue me at least in some way. I must have been out longer than just a couple of days as during the tests i didn’t recognize any of the Doctors. In that moment I realized something, if they were trying to contain me then something must have happened to the soldier. It was time to plan my escape.

Back in my cell i could hear footsteps approaching me and then stop short. One of the scientists frantically trying to talk some sense into someone just out of my line of sight. “She is immune to anything we throw at her sir. We have done every test we could there is nothing left for us to do.” One of the goons in a lab coat stated to what i assumed is a higher up. “Bolden If her powers keep growing at the rate they are it could be days in which she will be unstoppable and with the soldier gone we dont have anything that can keep her in line. She broke Mandy and Rays arms the last time we tested her. She is getting too strong.” Brining a hand up to his chin the higher up Bolden stepped out of the shadows and looked at me with deep interest before he turned to looked at the man and scoffed. As he walked away i felt a cold chill ran down my back as I anticipated what was to become of me; I knew it was nothing good i had already broken their rules. His next words only confirmed what I feared. “ Its simple. Break her spirit or kill her Doctor. And when i say break her i mean in anyway means necessary.” His sadistic laugh is the last thing i remember before everything went black.

Its been 2 years since i have escaped and now I’m living in the avengers tower. I don’t remember what happened after that night in my cell its all a blur of red, screams, and gunshots. When i woke up next i was in a 6ft crater where I was being held captive without a scratch on me. Trees were uprooted and fallen over as if a bomb went off. Luckily the Avengers showed up not long after me waking up and took me to their base where i met Directer Fury. With his permission and 24/7 surveillance provided by Tony Stark via FRIDAY and training sessions to get my powers under control i was allowed to join the Avengers and fight for good. Little did i know that by agreeing to this I would end up in the path of a certain God or Gods who were also taking residence at the tower.

With the sound of a *ding* the elevator shook me out of my mind and back to the present. As i exited the elevator I pulled my head phones out of my ears and was instantly met with the sound of Tony losing his mind. “Where did she go? She knows she can’t be out this late. She could be taken again! Its 5 minutes past her curfew!” Rolling my eyes I roll my headphones up and shove them in my pocket and round the corner. “Tony it takes 5 minutes to get from the lobby to the penthouse calm down. I bet she will walk through that door anytime now.” Came the sweet voice of reason of none other than Pepper Potts. “I’m Home.” I said in a deadpan voice as i walked by the couple only for Tony to stand up and intercept me by placing a hand on my upper arm. “Where did you go and why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?” I looked at him and raised an eyebrow pushing his hand off me. “Tony its Wednesday. I have training with Strange on Wednesdays and I had Friday alert you as I was leaving but you were in the lab with Bruce.” Not sure what to say next Tony mumbled a small apology. “Sorry I was just worried about you. I know you are grown enough to make your own choices as you are 25 but I just want to make sure you are safe. How was the training with The Wizard?” Sighing and shaking my head just wanting to go the library and read I decided to just let it go. “Strange is a hard ass that much you already know. It wasnt bad actually I think I’m warming up to him. I didn’t spontaneously throw him to the wall when he snuck up behind me as i was going over the ancient texts so i call that improvement.” I said sheepishly while side stepping around him. “I’m gonna go to the library now and grab some light reading before bed you guys have a good night.” With out waiting for a response I quickly made my way towards my new destination only to have Tony saying something about guests in the house but I ignored him.

Pushing open the library door I make my way to the poetry section to grab my usual copy of Edgar Allen Poe that I read before bed. As my had reached for the spot i knew i put the book in i find that its not there. “Wait what? Where is my book? I know I put it back here before I left for training so where did it go?” Frustrated I stomp back over to the entrance and rip open the door ready to go on a murder spree while shouting down the hallway. “CLINT! You better give me back my night time book or I’m breaking all your arrows again! No one reads in this tower but me! How stupid do you think I am!?” Straining my ears I listen for any type of movement but was met with dead silence. After a minute I finally hear movement through the vents coming from the west part of the tower and I take off sprinting. Sliding around a corner I barely miss colliding with Steve and Bucky who look like they were on their way back from a mission. Offering a quick apology before I continue my pursuit I hear Steve yell “Hey! No running in the tower!” Not faltering in my hot pursuit of the Hawk thief I continue to zip through the tower ignoring the Captains words until i was almost to the vent that lead to the 2 level family room. Using the railing for the steps leading down to the family area to give me more height i jumped as close to the vent as possible and conjured my signature Scythe to slice through it while twisting in the air kicking the vent free and off its track. A shocked and terrified scream resonates from the vent as the culprit falls to the ground with a thud and a grunt. I landed in a crouched position and slowly straightened to my full hight. “What the hell Emy?! When did you learn to do that?!” Clint yells as he sits up rubbing his left shoulder that he landed on. I started stalking towards him with the blade of my scythe scrapping across the ground as i went while giving him a death glare. “Give me back my book Barton.” At the mention of his last name his head snapped up to me fear replacing the pain from his fall. “Oh shit last name not good.�� Scrambling up on his feet he turns and runs towards the common room that connects to the elevator with me hot on his tail and my scythe trailing behind me in my right hand.

“Shit shit shit shit shit shit SHIT!!” He yells as he makes it fully to the room only to fling forward as i jump and kick his back tired of all the running. Twirling my weapon around I place it at his neck sneering at him. “I will not ask you again.” I said placing pressure on his neck with my blade. Sensing a fast moving object coming from my left from the kitchen I move my head back 3 inches as what looked like a hammer flew by me embedding itself in the wall. Turning my head slowly in the direction of the flying object, I confirmed it was indeed a hammer that was thrown at me. Irritation flared through me as i released Clint from the end of my scythe and turned fully to the kitchen to face my attacker. There stood 2 men that i did not recognize, one tall oak of a man with blond short hair, blue eyes and tan skin in blue jeans, a red T-shirt ,and grey jacket. the other shorter man made me stare at him and faultier for a second as he was so different from anyone i have ever seen, dark blue skin covered his entire body with darker almost black symbols and piercing red eyes, long black hair with black jeans, a green dress shirt and black jacket. Tearing my gaze away from his own curious one i looked between both men before i clenched my jaw letting my irritation settle back in. “Which one of you threw that hammer.” I said venom dripping with every word. “Whoa its ok Emy thats just Thor and Loki they are the asgardian Gods that live here in the tower part time when they are not in Norway.” Clint said standing up quickly. Not moving from my position i narrowed my eyes and flicked them over in Clint’s direction. The ground started to shake as my irritation and annoyance grew to anger remembering what i was doing before being interrupted by the Gods. Throwing his hands up in surrender he then quickly reached into his back pocket and retrieved my book. “Ok ok dont blow a fuse Em.” He said while tossing me my possession stopping me from causing an earthquake. Catching it in the air with my left had I inspected the book to make sure it wasn’t damaged before I let go of my scythe, with a wave of my hand it disappeared back to the pocket dimension I keep it in then looked back at Clint as the tremors stopped. “Touch my things again and i will be wearing your guts like my mom’s pashmina.” I said to the thief before walking out of the room and disappeared down the hallway not giving the Gods a second glance. As I entered my room i could hear a silky voice ring out from the kitchen. “Well isnt she interesting.”

Part 2 coming soon

@nickkie1129

#loki x y/n #loki odinson #loki series #loki #loki x reader #loki x you #loki (marvel)#loki laufeyson #marvel #avengers x reader #the avengers #clint barton #tony stark #doctor strange #thor odinson #steve rogers #bucky barns #pepper potts

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lesbian-deadpool · 4 years

Text

The Assistant

Part Two Of Two: And There Was Funny Business

Natasha Romanoff x Reader, Platonic!Tony Stark x Reader

Words: 3,886

Warnings: I don’t think there is anything. It is mostly dialogue tho.

Request: For the @ryostephi who donated to the Australian Bushfires. (I’m sorry the tag doesn't work)

Summary: When was retirement again?

A/N: I am shocked at how much I got wrong in the first part, after re-watching Iron Man 2 as I wrote this part, and for that, I am so sorry lol. So... I know there’s still a lot of Tony in this... and I have no excuse, other than it’s based in Iron Man 2, and there's not much “Natalie” plot for me to go off of, and have it be all that good (in my opinion). So, I hope you don’t mind lol.

(Not my GIF)

***

“Explain!” Tony practically ordered you, his voice close to a screech, more than anything else.

“I’m an Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.,” you told him blankly.

“Yes, I see that-!”

“How?” Natasha started, “I- I mean you can't be an Agent, I would have seen you.”

“S.H.I.E.L.D. is a big place, Natasha.”

“You always knew who I was.” She leaned back in her seat, beside Fury, regarding you.

You scoffed, shaking your head. “Of course I did.”

“Agent Y/L/N here, has been away for business for a short amount of time now,” Fury informed them, gesturing a hand to you.

“No offence, Nick. But I don’t think eight months, is a short amount of time,” you replied, causing the man to scoff softly at you, his lips quirking in a small smile.

“So, that’s where you’ve been, this whole time?”

You tuned to Tony. “Yeah, that’s why slept so much when I got back.”

“Anyway,” Fury began, drawing everyone’s attention back to him, as he spoke to Tony, “You’ve been very busy. You made your girl your CEO, you’re giving away all your stuff. You let your friend fly away with your suit-”

“Wait. Hold, up,” You paused him, raising a hand, “Rhodey took a suit?”

“He sure as hell did.” Fury said. “Now, if I didn’t know better-”

“You don’t know better. I didn’t give it to him. He took it.”

“Oh, well that's better,” you said offhandedly, as you rested your chin in your hand, watching the conversation go down.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. She’s right.” he pointed at you. “He took it? You’re Iron Man and he just took it? The little brother walks in there, kicked your ass and took your suit? Is that possible?” He turned to Natasha.

“Well, according to Mr Starks database security guidelines, there are redundancies to prevent unauthorised usage.”

“Whoa, those were some big words...”

Tony snorted softly at both your words and hers. While Natasha threw you a light glare.

“What do you want from me?”

And that was the hidden queue you were looking for. Knowing what was coming next. You sat up straight in your seat, ready to make the move.

“What do we want from you?” And there Natasha goes, sliding out of her seat. You followed in her lead. Pulling yourself up by the table, and spinning yourself around to sit next to Fury. “Uh-uh. What do you want from me?” He continued, repeatedly pointing to the man, as you wore a shit-eating grin by his side, the scene almost painting out like you were watching your sibling getting chewed out by your parent. “You have become a problem, a problem I have to deal with. Contrary to your belief, you are not the centre of my universe.”

“But I am, right?” He raised a lone finger to you, without even looking, to silence you, as you only smiled harder.

“I have bigger problems than you in the southwest region to deal with.” You rolled your eyes as your boss continued rant, wanting for this to be over. When your eyes spotted Natasha coming back.

Fury snapped his fingers, and told Natasha to, “Hit him.”

Tony let out a startled sound, moving back in pain. “Oh, God, are you gonna steal my kidney and sell it?” He asked as Natasha checked his neck over, sitting down beside him, and watching the poisoned veins recede, “Could you please not do anything awful for five seconds?”

Turning to you and Fury, he continued to ask, “What she just do to me?”

“What did we just do for you,” Fury corrected him.

“Hey, that cleared up the Matrix puzzle, really well.” You smiled.

“That’s lithium dioxide. It's gonna take the edge off. We’re trying to get you back to work,” The man by your side explained, “You should thank Agent Y/L/N over here, she was the one who requested it, and made our Science Department's lives a living hell, until we got it.”

“Wait. You had something to do with this?” Tony asked, turning to you, notes of touch in his voice, showing you he had just realised how much you truly cared for him.

“Of course I did,” you scoffed, “You really think I was gonna let you die?”

You watched as billionaire’s lips twitched in a smile, before he returned to his stoic, guarded nature.

“Give me a couple boxes of that. I’ll be right as rain.”

“It’s not a cure, it just abates the symptoms.”

“Yeah, what the thesaurus said, over there,” you agreed, gesturing to the red-head. Who in turn kicked you “lightly” in the shin. Making you hiss out a small, “Ow.”

Not paying you mind, Fury continued, studying the other man's neck, “Doesn’t look like it’s gonna be an easy fix.”

“It never is with us,” you said.

“Trust me, I know. I’m good at this stuff.” You could see behind Tony’s eyes just how helpless he was feeling. “I’ve been looking for a suitable replacement for palladium. I’ve tried every combination, every permutation of every known element.”

“Am I the only one here who didn’t understand a word of that?” you asked the table, “No? Am I being ignored? That’s nice.”

You weren’t being ignored, however. If the smirk, that was quickly wiped away, that Natasha wore was any indication.

“Well, I’m here to tell you, you haven't tried them all.”

“Well... on that note.” You spoke, “I think it’s time I took my leave.”

“I’m still mad at you,” Tony told you childishly.

Well... two could play at that game.

“Yeah, well at least Rhodey and Pepper aren’t mad at me,” you fired back, as you got up from your seat. Practically hearing the man's jaw drop behind you.

***

“Antony Stark!” you yelled, as you strolled through the open door to Pepper’s office.

“What did I do now?”

“What do you mean, ‘what did you do now’?” you seethed at him, coming closer.

“Anything else, boss?” Happy asked.

“I’m good, Hap.”

“No, I’ll be just... another minute,” Tony and Pepper said at the same time.

“Well, that was awkward,” you said.

“I lost all three of the kids in the divorce,” Tony laughed at his own joke. “Nothing?” he asked quietly, glancing over his shoulder at you and The Head Of Security. “No.”

Tony cleared his throat.

Oh, don’t do it.

“Are you blending in well here, Natalie? Here at Stark Enterprises?”

You were so gonna throttle him.

“Your name is Natalie, isn’t it.”

Murder.

That’s what shone in your eyes, as your nostrils flared, just as it did Natasha’s.

“I thought you two didn’t get along,” the billionaire gestured between the two.

He better shut his mouth.

“No. That’s not so,” Pepper told him.

“It’s just me you don’t care for.” Pepper said nothing in reply. “No? Nothing?”

“Actually, while you’re here, maybe you and Natalie could discuss the matter of the personal belongings.”

“Absolutely,” Natasha said.

“Which loosely translates to, ‘get your shit out of my office’,” you informed the man.

“Yes, I got that. Thank you, Y/N.” You nodded your head once at him, with a fake smile plastered upon your face. You were so gonna kick his ass.

Tony watched as Pepper walked away. The blonde giving you a short nod as she passed you, and exited the office with Happy.

“I’m surprised you could keep your mouth shut,” Natasha said, as soon as the coast was clear. Making Tony spin around in the chair once again.

“Boy, you’re good. You are mind-blowingly duplicitous. How do you do it? You just tear things... you’re a triple imposter.” Tony turned to you. “Can you do that?”

“Of course I can, I'm a professional.”

“How did you even get into this business?”

“Later,” you told him.

“I’ve never seen anything like you,” he continued, turning back to Natasha, “Is there anything real about you? Do you even speak Latin?”

“Fallaces sunt rerum species,” Natasha responds immediately, gathering up documents, and beginning to take her leave.

“It turns out she can.” You shrugged.

“Which means? Wait. What? What did you just say?”

“It means you can drive yourself home or I can have you, and Miss Y/L/N, collected.”

“Wait what did I do?” You asked insulted, “Also, that’s not what she said.”

Natasha chose not to answer you. Instead, choosing to say, “Control him.”

“You think I can?” You asked the shorter woman, spinning to watch her walk away as you did.

“Hey!” Tony whined behind you. “You’re good!” he called to the red-head, as she slammed the door.

“Well...” You looked at Tony. “That was a shit-show. What the hell are you doing?” you asked, as he fiddled with one of Pepper’s ornaments. “What? Not talking to me?” Sighing he stood up, taking a bite out of a strawberry, before dumping the rest into the trash. “That’s a waste. And, yeah, no it's fine. I didn’t want any, anyway.”

You sighed, throwing your head back in exasperation, as you watched the man looking at the scale-model up against the wall. Who was currently peering through his hand, as if it was some sort of a telescope.

It really was like having a child dealing with him, sometimes... most times.

“Help me with this.”

“What?”

***

“WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO THIS PLACE?!” you roared, taking in all of the destruction around.

Yep. You were never having kids.

“I made a new element!” Tony told you proudly.

“You. Made. A new. Element.”

“Yes? Why is that so hard to understand?”

“I-... How?!”

“It’s all... science stuff. You really want me to tell you?” Tony asked, already knowing the answer.

“No. Not really.”

You took another look around the place, slowly inhaling and exhaling, as you nodded your head. “Well. Well done.”

“Thanks. It worked,” Tony said, showing you his chest.

“Good, I’m glad.” You smiled. “Now... why are you assembling a suit?”

“Vanko’s still alive.”

You stared blankly at Tony for a moment. Watching him. Making sure that he wasn’t bullshitting you. When you deducted, that he was in fact, telling the truth, you asked, “He’s what?”

***

The absolute deafening cheering going on around you did nothing to drown out the sound of your heartbeat pounding away in your ears, as you were bent over your encased legs, hands on your knees, hoping that you could manage to pant away your incoming panic attack.

You had to.

You had a job to do right now.

Vaguely you registered Tony say, “We got trouble” inside of your metal helmet.

“Tony, there are civilians present,” Rhodey said, as you followed Tony on unsteady legs, “I’m here on orders. Let’s not do this right now.”

“God,” you breathed, “I hated every second of that.”

You mirrored the man you thought of as your brother, on Rhodey’s other side. Waving to the crowd, as Tony told you too.

“All these people are in danger. We gotta get them out of here,” Tony said, “You gotta trust me for the next five minutes.”

“Yeah, I tried that. I got tossed around your house, remember?”

“Listen, I think he’s working with Vanko.”

“Of course the sonofabitch is,” you growled, glaring at the man through the mask of your borrowed suit.

“Vanko’s alive?” Rhodey asked, slightly sceptical. Which he had a right too. God, knows how you didn’t want to belive Tony. But you knew he believed Tony, he would never lie about this.

As Tony squared up to Hammer, asking him about Venko. You scanned the crowd, looking for two people in particular.

“Found Natasha and Pepper,” you notified him.

“Who’s Natasha?” Rhodey asked. You we’re about to answer him, before he continued, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.”

“What’s up-? Holy shit!”

You jumped back in alarm, at the giant mini-gun attached to Rhodey’s back, moved to aim at Tony.

“Is that you?” Tony asked.

“No. That- I’m not doing that. I’m not doing that,” he stuttered, you could hear the panic rising in his voice, “I can’t move. I’m locked up. I’m locked up!”

"Motherfucker!" you hollered, stumbling back, as the military-themed drones pointed their arms towards Tony, too. Getting ready to fire.

"Get out of her. Go! This whole system's been compromised," Rhodey ordered.

"Y/N, with me," Tony said, "Let's take this outside."

"Oh, God, that means I have to fly again."

And with that, he blasted off, with you hot on his trail. As the drones and Rhodey's compromised suit started to rain fire on Tony, and consequently, you... and the glass ceiling. I think Vanko might have taken that phrase a little too seriously.

"Uh-Oh." You wished you hadn't looked down now. "Tony, incoming."

"Jarvis, break-in. I need to own him."

"Weird way to word it there, buddy," you quipped, "Are we really fucking doing this?"

"Yep. We're really fucking doing this."

***

"Tony?" You asked as you landed next to the crashed men, "How good did you say the filtration in the suit was?"

"It's pristine. Why?"

"Because I just pissed myself."

Just then Tony and Rhodey -Or rather, Rhodey's suit- began fighting.

"Oh, shit, Tony! How do you work this hunk of metal?!"

"Just go with your instinct's!"

"Oh, yeah. That helps!" you yelled, looking at your palms, where the repulsers lay. "Come on, you piece of shit! WORK!"

Well, you got it to work. However, the bright light shot out and hit you square in your mask. But, hey! You still got it two work! Silver-lining people!

"Ow," you uttered as you fell, landing on your back in a daze.

To say you were useless with these things, was an understatement.

You finally regained yourself, a few long seconds later. And had seen that Tony had managed to kick Rhodey's ass, as you got up on wobbly legs.

"Hey, guys? Can we not tell Natasha what just happened?"

"Not tell me what?"

You jumped at the sudden sound of her voice. Since when did she have access to talk through the suit?

"Nothing!" you spoke hastily.

Natasha hummed, not believing you, moving on to her next point, "Reboot complete. You got your best friend back."

"Thank you very much, Agent Romanoff."

"Well done with the new chest piece. I am reading significantly higher output and all your vitals look promising."

"Yes, for the moment, I'm not dying. Thank you."

"This moment better last long," you mumbled.

"What do you mean you're not dying?" Pepper? When did she get here? "Did you say you're dying."

Oh, God. This is awkward. It's so awkward.

"Is that you? No, I'm not. Not anymore."

"What's going on?" she asked.

"I was going to tell you. I didn't want to alarm you."

"You were going to tell me? You really were dying?"

You were glad the suit hid the cringe on your face, as you were trapped here, to bare witness to this, a confession. Your metal hand coming up to scratch, uselessly, at your metal helmet, out of awkward discomfort.

"You didn't let me-"

"Why didn't you tell me that?" Pepper interrupted.

"I was gonna make you an omelette and tell you."

"Yeah, because omelettes make death confessions, so much better," you quipped, only to have it fall on deaf ears.

"Hey, hey. Save it for the honeymoon."

"Yeah, because they're gonna fight on their honeymoon..." You took all of a second to think about it, before changing your statement. "You know what, I don't doubt that."

"You've got incoming guys," Natasha continued. "Looks like the fight's coming to you."

"Awesome," you said sarcastically.

"Try to hit them and not yourself this time," Tony told you.

After this was done... he's a dead man.

"Pepper?"

Oh no, not this again.

"Are you okay now?"

"I'm fine. Don't be mad. I will formally apologize-"

"I am mad!" she yelled, and you sighed, getting into a fighting stance.

"-When I'm not fending off a Hammeroid attack.

"Fine."

"We could have been in Venice."

"And I could have been asleep."

"What is it with you and sleep?" Natasha asked.

"It's sleep!"

***

“She fights like a badass,” Happy breathed, inside you helmets. While you watched as drones landed all around you.

“I know, I’ve seen her.”

“Stalking much?” You could hear the smirk in her voice.

“You say that like you didn’t look me up when you found out I was an Agent.”

“You’re an Agent?!” Happy, Rhodey, and Pepper yelled at the same time.

“Old news guys, however makeshift terminators over here? New news.”

And then the fighting started.

Just like you would be on the field, splatters of battle coted you. But rather than blood, this time it was oil that painted your suit, as you tore, shot, and blew up drones.

Okay. So the suit wasn't all bad.

Tony told you and Rhodes to 'get down'. You watched as bright neon red lasers, chopped through the drones -and trees-, like a hot knife through butter.

"Can you show me how to do that?" you asked.

***

"Heads up. You got one more drone incoming," Natasha said. "This one looks different."

"What?" you asked, "Like it's got a makeover?"

"No," she said clearly, "Like the repulser signature is significantly higher."

"So, it's a boss drone then?"

Any reply Natasha had for you were cut off, thanks to the giant-sized Iron Man suit landing in front of you.

Oh, could this get any worse?

Yes. Yes, it could.

The real-life, yet no way friendly, Iron-Giant's face retracted back. Revealing, Ivan Vanko.

"God, that's not a good makeover."

"I swear to God, Y/N, I will disable your microphone."

"Hey, you two. Stop flirting," Rhodey said.

"Good to be back," Vanko said. Unknown to what you were saying, and, thankfully, to how your cheeks tinted red at Rhodey's words.

"Oh, this ain't gonna be good."

"Yeah, you're telling me," you agreed. "Ah! Whippy-things!" You moved back, startled, at Vankos sudden weapons.

"I got something special for this guy." Rhodey strutted up towards him. "I'm gonna bust his bunker with the Ex-Wife."

"The what now, please?"

"With the what?" You and Tony asked at the same time.

You waited in anticipation, watching as the shoulder of Rhodey's suit opened, and counted down. Blasting off a tiny missile right at Vanko. Which hit him. Then dropped to the ground, and fizzled out.

"Hammer tech?" Tony asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yeah."

You flew up into the sky, shooting Vanko from above, as the other two fought on the ground. It was gonna take a lot to bring this sonofabitch down. Tony flew up to join you but didn't get far, as two bright blue whips latched themselves onto both you and Tony. Smashing Tony into a rock. And flinging you into a corner of the closed-off park. The last thing you heard before blacking out, was their voices shouting your name.

***

You awoke as you were flying through the air.

No, wait.

You weren't flying.

You were heaved over Rhoedy's shoulder, as he flew.

"What the hell's going on?"

"Hey, glad to see you're awake." Rhodey's smile could be heard in his voice. "The drones are set to self destruct."

"Did we beat him?"

"Yeah, we did," he said, as explosions were heard and seen, all across your view.

"Oh, my God! I can't take this anymore."

Great. Just when you had thought you had finally gained a minute of peace.

"You can't-?"

God, was this just their relationship?

"I can't take this."

"-Look at me."

Yep.

"My body, literally, cannot handle the stress." You peered up at Rhodey, from your seat on the floor, the man only shrugging at your silent question of, 'what the fuck?'. You both turning back to watch the two lovebirds have their spat. "I never know if you're gonna kill yourself or wreck the whole company."

“I think I did okay!” Tony defended himself when there was a sudden explosion far in the background.

“Dumbass,” you mumbled, only the man sitting beside you able to hear what you said. Him chuckling lightly at your words.

"I quit. I'm resigning," Pepper panted, "That's it."

"What did you just say? You're done?"

Did they really have to do this shit in front of you?

Did they really have to be so blind, not to notice you and Rhodey right beside them?

Did you really have to have no popcorn to enjoy, as you watched this?

"That's surprising," Tony said, walking towards her, "No, it's not surprising. I get it. You don't have to make any excuses."

Pepper stuttered. "I'm not making any excuses."

You eyes rolled as far back into your head as they possibly could. Luckily for you, missing some of what the bickering couple said.

"You deserve better."

"Well..."

"You've taken such good care of me." Were those... tears in Tony's voice? "I've been in a tough spot, but you got me through it, so... right?"

They muttered some words that you couldn't hear all that well.

Blah, Blah, Blah.

And then they kissed.

A look of disgust appearing upon your face. And you were thankful that you, in fact, did not have that popcorn, you whished for not long ago.

"I thought it was weird." You snapped back into reality, from your unexpected daze, at Rhodey's words.

Thank, God. They had stopped kissing.

"You guys look like two seals fighting over a grape."

“Hey, hey, now Rhodey." You put your hand up to the man. "That's an insult to seals and grapes."

Rhodey laughed beside you, as the previously kissing couple grew uncomfortable and fidgety.

"Don't even try to make excuses," you told them.

"Yeah, we heard the whole thing."

“You two should get lost,” Tony says to you and Rhodey.

"We were here first," the Colonel defended. "Get a roof."

"Yeah, and I'm fine, by the way. Thank's for asking." You smirked.

"I thought you two were out of one-liners."

"That's the last one."

"Speak for yourself," you said standing up. "Oh, also. I am never getting into one of these flying hell suits ever again.”

“Aww, don't say that. You’ll hurt its feelings.”

"I don't care."

"Oh, yeah? Well, how are you gonna get home then?"

"After I get home," you clarified. "I am never getting into one of these things, ever again."

“Don’t lie. You like the suit. Now,” he said, gesturing his head to the side, “Go get your girl.”

“What? There’s no way I’m going anywhere near one of those things.”

Oh, she was still here, was she?

“Oh, c’mon Romanoff.” You smirked, taking flight, “Fly away with me.”

“Not a chance.”

You landed in front of the red-head, exiting the building. Startling her as you did.

"Agent Romanoff." You smirked, throwing your arms out by your sides. If she didn't know better, Natasha would have assumed you were Tony. "Your ride has arrived."

"Get away from me."

***

“So...” you started, looking towards the red-head standing beside you, looking out onto the ocean below you, “Wanna go out on a date?”

Natasha turned to face you properly, a small smile on her face, “I thought you’d never ask, Y/L/N.” Stepping closer, her hand on your bicep, she continued, “Tonight. We’ll watch a movie in my cabin.”

You smiled.

“Only a movie,” she clarified, “No funny business.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Romanoff.”

#original work #original fanfiction #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanoff #tony stark x reader #tony stark imagine #tony stark #marvel #MCU

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not-close-to-straight · 4 years

Text

Lost and Found (Nineteen)

Only one chapter left after this!

MASTERLIST HERE

***************

The next morning James woke to the welcome sight of sunrise and ocean through the bedroom windows, rolled over to pull Tony gently gently back into his arms and start their morning off with a kiss or half dozen--

--and found nothing but cold sheets and a long abandoned pillow.

“JARVIS?!”

“The lights have been on in the downstairs laboratory for several hours now, Sergeant Barnes.”

“It’s just James.” he swung his feet over the side of the bed and rubbed at his eyes. “Just James. Not Sergeant Barnes anymore. Is Tony okay?”

“He’s already taken a dose of pain management medication and is hard at work.”

“He should be resting.” James grabbed for his clothes and headed out the door. “Coffee?”

“Caffeine makes the symptoms of the poisoning worse, so the only thing available is decaf.”

“So long as it’s warm.” James paused to get a second shirt to wrap Tony up in because last night the beautiful brunette had shivered and shivered and shivered no matter how tight James held him. “Thank you, JARVIS.”

“A pleasure.” and then, “It’s good to have you home again, sir.”

“Good to be home.” James poured a thermos-ful of the hot decaf, tossed the shirt over his shoulder and hurried down the steps to the lab. “Tony? Babydoll, you in here?”

“Always.” Tony looked up with a smile that thrilled James right to his soul, even if it was a smile only a fraction as brilliant as they used to be. “What time did you wake up?”

“Just now.” James put the coffee down on the table, then held up the shirt and slipped it over Tony’s head, down over his arms without trying to put Tony’s hands through, effectively wrapping him a cocoon. The long sleeve was huge on him, hanging off the too thin frame and making Tony look tiny and vulnerable and James swallowed a twist of fear so he could carefully carefully draw Tony into his arms and hold him close.

Three months together had been a lifeline for James, which meant the three weeks apart felt like a lifetime without Tony, and the days of missed calls and unread text messages rang hollow in James’s mind right alongside the echo of nightmares and the questions of why why why Tony had walked away.

“I thought you’d still be in bed.” He said instead of all the other things he wanted to say, swallowing back the rush of questions and demands and forcing himself to slow down because they didn’t have much time left and he didn’t want to waste it being upset. “Is everything okay?”

Over Tony’s shoulder an old video reel was playing on a projector, Howard from sometime in the past but some time past when James had known him. A model city was on the table in the background, a glass of alcohol held in Howard’s right hand and a cigar in the other as he mouthed along to a muted soundtrack.

“Why are you watching movies about Howard?” James asked, and Tony muffled his answer into the sweater and over James’s heart--

“I love you.”

“Shit.” Uneasiness and the list of questions immediately forgotten, James dropped a kiss onto Tony’s hair, onto his cheek and then his nose. “I love you too, Tony.”

“And I’m bad at this.” Tony hugged his arms around his midsection beneath the shirt. “I um-- I’m really bad at this. At apologies and at relationships and I-- I’ve never said I love you to anyone so I’m probably bad at that too.”

“Sugar--”

“M’really bad at stopping to see the moments that matter.” Tony was half woozy, unsteady on his feet as the pain meds soaked into his system and dulled his reflexes. “Fuckin’ awful at being present for important things and this morning-- I should’a stayed in bed with you this morning. I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

“Missed you but I had to work.” Tony pushed closer, sagged closer really, and James quieted a curse when he felt how weak Tony’s pulse was. “Hadta work cos last night you told me to invent something to fix all this--”

“Tony, I didn’t mean to make you feel--”

“--Fury told me Dad left something for me.” Tony shook his head just weakly when James tried to interrupt. “Said Howard told him I’d be the one to invent what it took to make his idea a reality.”

“Sweetheart, you need to rest.”

“I need to rest.” Tony admitted. “I need-- need sleep. But I don’t want to miss a chance to fix this. Don’t want to miss the chance for another--” he seemed to wilt when James kissed his forehead. “--another day with you. But I need help. I need help, will you help me?”

“I can help you.” James promised. “What do you need me for?”

“My hands.” Tony finally got his arms through the long sleeves and held up his hands for James to see the constant tremble in his fingers. “I was okay first thing this morning but now I can’t even hold a cup of coffee. Need you to be my hands.”

“Hell, I can do that.” James leaned away far enough to brush the hair from Tony’s eyes, touching over the too sharp cut of Tony’s cheekbone. “I can do that all day. You made me a perfectly working left hand remember?”

“I remember trying out just how perfectly your left hand gets the job done.” Tony agreed, and with nothing more than a smile and a tired lift of his eyebrows the moment went from sweet to roiling with innuendo. “I remember finding out I’ve got a sorta-- sorta arm porn-slash-metal finger kink.”

“Sugar.” James chuckled at him and captured Tony’s mouth in a kiss that started out heated but cooled to just tender when Tony’s body went limp with exhaustion.

“Sugar.” James whispered it this time, carding his fingers into Tony’s hair and then smoothing down his back. “Don’t worry. We’ll find time to indulge your ah-- what’d’ya call it? Arm porn?”

“Slash metal finger kink.” Tony confirmed, and he was smiling again but his dark eyes glittered in relief, then in apology. “James--”

“Tell me what you need help with.” James changed the subject before Tony started apologizing for not being able to kiss properly, as if James could possibly be upset about that when it was Tony’s very life on the line. “What can I do?”

“Okay.” There it was again, visible relief, and James’s heart clenched uncomfortably with the thought of just how many times Tony had put his own personal needs aside to give someone else-- the press, his parents, the world-- what they wanted. “Here’s-- here’s what I need.”

The model at the far side of the laboratory was huge, easily twelve feet tall and must have weighed several hundred pounds. Idly, James wondered just how Tony had managed to get the thing inside the lab, but he didn’t bother asking, too busy pulling down the coverings and dragging lights over to illuminate the piece.

“What is it?” He asked once JARVIS started scanning the surface of the model. “Roads and-- and houses? Is that a giant pretzel stand? What is this?”

“Remember when we were at the Expo and talking about elements and how they were creating new ones all the time?”

“Yeah, you said they create with a…” James turned in time to catch Tony injecting himself with a syringe. “...with a bang...Tony, what is that?”

“Lithium Oxide.” Tony bent over and groaned when the liquid hit his system, clutching at his stomach until the worst of the initial spasms had eased.

“You’re injecting yourself with poison?!”

“It's uh--” Tony gasped out a few breaths and wiped the sweat from his forehead. “You um-- do you know why you know it’s poison?”

“Dunno the exact reason why I know it.” James hurried to Tony’s side and helped him sit. “But I know the reasons behind why I know it. Stevie didn’t wanna talk too much and neither did I. I learned just enough to explain the worst of my nightmares and then we let it go.”

“Stevie told you, huh?” Tony repeated, and hissed out a harsh breath between clenched teeth. “Are you mad at me for not telling you?”

“When did you find out?” James held up the coffee cup, held Tony’s hands steady so he could help him take a sip. “Before ya left me with Stevie? After?”

“Just a few hours before.” Tony nodded towards one of the fold down screens. “I-- I was running that facial recognition software on you?” James inclined his head in agreement. “And one thing connected to another and I ended--”

He bent over and coughed as the lithium surged into his extremities and the feeling came rushing back. “--ended up connecting back to you from one of your sister’s grandkids. As soon as I figured it out, I called Fury and met with Steve.”

“You knew about Stevie already?”

“There’s not a lot that goes on in the world that JARVIS doesn’t know about.” The color was back in Tony’s skin now, his eyes almost unnaturally bright as his body reset. “And back before Afghanistan I used to hack into DOD files just for something to do on a Tuesday night. Came across Project Rebirth and decided I didn’t have time in my life for glitter tight wearing propaganda, so I ignored it.”

Tony’s speech was already better, the words clearer and enunciation sharper and James hated it, hated it as he crouched down in front of the chair, smoothed his thumbs over Tony’s face. “Tony.” he closed his eyes briefly. “Tony, lithium oxide is poison. I know you think you’re feelin’ better right now, but it’s poison babydoll.”

“And it’s enough of a jolt to keep me lucid.” Tony held onto both of James’s wrists and leaned into his palms. “Enough to keep my mind working and I need it if I’m going to figure out a fix for all of this.”

He wet his lips, swallowed. “And even if it doesn’t help me figure out how to fix this, the shots will keep me aware long enough to enjoy the last few days with you, alright?”

“Tony.”

“It’s not like it’s going to kill me any faster.” Tony cut in at a barely audible whisper and James’s gaze blurred with tears. “It can’t kill me any faster so it’s worth it for a few more days. It’s worth it.”

“Okay.” James pushed their foreheads together and breathed out slowly, both hating and loving that the tremble in Tony’s fingers had almost disappeared, that his love’s voice was steadier and the kiss they shared was whole heartedly promising. “But as soon as you figure all this out, you’re gonna stop right?”

“Yeah Brooklyn.” Tony sighed and he almost sounded normal. “Soon as I’m not dying, I’ll stop willingly poisoning myself. I promise.” James huffed a quiet laugh and budged closer, and Tony asked cautiously, “Should we talk about you and Captain Rogers? About what he told you and what I found out?”

“Stevie told me you and him decided to not look into what I did.” James tipped his head down so Tony would tug at his hair, turned his head and nuzzled at Tony’s palm. “He said you wanted to look at me and see me, not what I did.”

“Or what was done to you.” Tony finished. “Yeah. I know what it’s like to have people look at you and only see your past, know what it’s like to have people look and only see who they expect you to be. Captain Rogers understands it too. It’s okay.”

“What if I did something really bad, Tony?” James whispered. “What if it comes back t’me in a nightmare or something? What if one day I remember the missions?”

“Then we’ll work through it like we worked through the panic attacks and like we’re working through this.” Tony said firmly, and then with a light jerk at James’s hair and a teasing grin, “Minus shots of poison and my particular brand of self destruction.”

“That’s not funny.” James scolded, but he smiled when Tony bumped their noses together. “S’good to see you smiling again, Tony. I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

For a minute they were just quiet, just breathing each other in, wrapped up and sharing the same air, the past three weeks of absence melting away as their hearts pulled close like they’d done from that very first day in the diner.

There were years worth of questions to answer, trauma to sift through and nightmares that were sure to come along. They had to figure out how to fix Tony, how to move forward knowing what they knew about James’s past, how to incorporate another person into their relatively low key life because making room for Steve wasn’t a question of if, only a question of how often.

How often would James’s old room would be used as a landing pad for the Captain? Could Tony’s wallet could take the brunt of the upcoming grocery bill that would come with the care of feeding of two super soldiers? Would he survive Steve’s utterly terrible sense of humour and lack of subtlety?

The question of why Tony had left James with Steve was easy enough to answer-- the man was a self sacrificing idiot who would do anything at all for the people he loved, including removing himself from the picture.

The question of whether or not James would ever let Tony be so self sacrificing again wasn’t a question at all.

The answer was no. Not ever. Not with Steve miraculously back in his life, not with all the years of other answers James wasn’t sure he wanted to find, not with Hydra still around, and not when Tony was so close to gone.

The answer was no. James would never let Tony put himself through anything like this ever again. Not alone. Not without him.

“...should I call you Bucky now?” Tony broke the silence first, but he didn’t pull away, their lips brushing when he spoke. “That’s what Steve calls you. His Bucky. And now that you know who you were, the Sergeant and all that, should I call you Bucky?”

“Steve only calls me Bucky cos the first day we met I told him to quit howlin’ over a bloody nose and ‘buck up’.” James chuckled quietly over the memory. “Stevie sassed that I was named after th’worst president ever, maybe I should buck up. It was a joke between us, other people caught on, next thing I know I got half th’world callin’ me Bucky. Dumb kid just about ruined my life.”

“So not Bucky then?” Tony jostled him, and James leaned in for a sweet kiss and whispered, “Hell sugar, you can call me whatever you want, but I sure do love th’way you say James when you’re laughin’ with me, or lit up all excited talkin’ about things...”

“...or when you want me real bad.” he finished in a half growl. “Call my name and pull me in’ta you real deep.”

“Shit.” Tony flushed dark red, heart rate doubling in the next quick breath. “Yeah? You like that?”

“Course I really love when ya call me Brooklyn.” James murmured thickly. “You could always call me that. Brooklyn. Soldier. Yours. Whatever you want, Tony. Just call me yours.”

“They don’t make boys like you anymore.” Tony’s head fell back when James mouthed over his pulse. “Do they?”

“Nah, babydoll. I’m real vintage.” James winked and predictably, Tony blushed all over again. “Now tell me how I can help you with that big model over there. Let’s get it done so we can get down to the beach together.”

“The beach.” Tony nodded, gave himself just one more minute to be up close to his soldier, then pulled away. “Okay. So the Expo. They create elements with a bang, right?”

“Right.”

“I’ve ran all the tests.” Tony tapped a few keys and his screens lit up with past recorded simulations, a holographic man on the screen miming inserting an arc reactor, then crumpling to his knees and fading away. James grimaced, and Tony nodded, “Yeah, not a great visual. But I tried everything, James. Every known element, every combination of elements that wouldn’t end in me exploding. I did it all and there is no sustainable element on earth that can replace the palladium in the reactor core.”

“Okay.” James couldn’t help needing to touch Tony, leaned over and pushed the long sleeves off Tony’s hands so he could hold them. “So what do we do?”

“That right there.” Tony lifted their hands and pointed at the diorama. “That’s Howard’s model of his Expo. I used to race my toy cars up and down the roads, I picked up a few trees and moved them, I think I might have set one of the popcorn stands on fire to use as a jump for my monster trucks. He hated when I played with it, but then he left it with SHIELD to give to me at some point in the future.”

“Why?” James looked over his shoulder at the huge model, and smiled just a tiny bit thinking of Tony being pint sized and an actual terror frustrating the hell out of Howard. He’d never liked the guy anyway. “Why’d he want you to have it?”

“I know you were in school way before they taught about the building blocks of creation and how there are so many smaller things inside cells and atoms and all that.” Tony looked down at his hands looking tiny inside of James’s grip. “But you remember models of the solar system.”

“Spinny things all revolvin’ around the sun.” James answered promptly. “Sure.”

“Okay that?” another motion at the model. “Is the model for a solar system that’s actually an element.”

“What?”

“A brand new element Howard knew could theoretically exist, but not in his lifetime.” Tony’s smile was almost wistful. “Not with the tech he had available. So he created an entire city in the Stark Expo and it’s a model of his element.”

“And?” James held his breath. “And it’s one you can create?”

“Not just one I can create.” Tony’s smile grew a little more. “It’s the one that was set to solve the eventual instability issues with Dad’s reactor. The big one that’s helped power Stark Industries since the seventies has an expiration date of about fifty years, but it's not much more than a publicity stunt meant to appease the environmentalists. I think all it actually does is run some fans on the fourth floor so no one cared about what might happen fifty years in the future. Howard cared though, he knew the big one needed stability, so he created an element to sustain it.”

“This one.” Tony plinked at the reactor casing. “This one that’s powering me puts out close to ten times the amount of energy which means it’s gonna expire about ten times faster.”

“But the element your Dad created?” James looked at the model, then down at Tony’s reactor. “It can fix you?”

“Can theoretically clean me.” Tony corrected. “If I can synthesize it and replace the palladium core, it could pretty much erase the poison in my blood. JARVIS ran some tests this morning and it could be as easy as a few days of downtime to recover and I’ll be fine.”

“I said a few weeks of downtime, sir. A few weeks, and I cannot stress that enough.”

“A few weeks of downtime.” Tony corrected with a grin up towards his ceiling. “James, do you know what a super collider is?”

“Sounds like a car crash, sugar.”

“If atoms were cars, sure.” Tony got to his feet with James’s help and pointed towards a sledge hammer. “I want you to take that and break a hole in the wall everywhere I have an ‘x’ marked. Don’t worry about the debris, we’ll clean it up later. Then I’ve got a bunch of pipe we need to weld together, some most likely sketchy wiring I fit up and we are going to make a super collider. Basically a giant race track for atoms and when we get them going fast enough, we’re gonna crunch them together and see what comes out of the explosion.”

“We’re gonna do that here?” James hefted the sledge like it was nothing. “In your lab?”

“Trust me, I’ve built and then blown up much crazier stuff in here.” Tony waved off his concern. “A super collider barely makes the top ten list. Hammer, wall, right over the ‘x’ please.”

“Sure babydoll.” James had about a billion questions about super colliders and how sick Tony really was and how long it would honestly take for the palladium to leave his system and seriously, what sort of crazy things had Tony built in here?

But he ignored them all because right now Tony was smiling and the flush in his cheeks was beautiful and his mind was sharp, even if it was thanks to a bump of self inflicted poison.

Right now Tony was smiling, so James rolled his shoulders and shook his left arm a few times then clenched up his fist and punched straight through eight inches of solid wall, through the reinforced steel plates that kept any explosions contained to the lab, and through the concrete foundation post Tony had sank into the ground to keep the lab steady if the Malibu house ever washed into the ocean.

“Jesus.” Tony’s eyes sparked bright, his mouth falling open when James pulled his hand back and brushed off the dust. “Look at you. When did you figure out you were so strong?”

“When Stevie tried to wrestle me and I put him through the wall, out the balcony and halfway into the next building.” James said nonchalantly. “Fury sure wasn’t happy about cleaning up that mess.”

“Well Punchy McGee.” Tony jerked his thumb towards the next spot on the wall. “Get to it. And why don’t you take off your shirt too, so I have something pretty look at.”

James laughed at him, too happy to hear Tony flirting again to let himself worry that the temporary reprieve was only due to the lithium oxide. The shirt came up and off and tossed away, James flexed probably a little more than necessary when he picked up the sledge again, and Tony clapped his hands in outright delight when he got to watch all those muscles move as James swung towards the wall.

“I guarantee more people would get into the sciences if their workspaces came with motivations like this.” Tony’s hands still trembled just a tiny bit as he took the requisite smoothie from Dum-E and patted the robot idly. “I’d create new elements all day if you did it half naked.”

“I’ll do whatever you want wearing whatever you want so long as you get better, Tony.” James picked up one of the massive pieces of pipe, and Tony came over with his torch. “Where do you want this one?”

“Hold it right here for me and try not to get burned.” Tony fired up the torch and flipped sunglasses down over his eyes. “I’m aware my safety equipment is next to none, but I’d hate for you to get burn marks and scars that match mine.”

“Don’t think I scar much these days, sugar.” James grunted as the pipe got hot but didn’t let it go until Tony was satisfied with the weld job. “You sure it’s not weird about me? About us? With my past?”

“Brooklyn.” Tony propped a chair under the pipe to hold it steady and motioned for James to grab another. “I’m Iron Man, I got to meet Captain America the other day and I’m creating a new element in my basement. Hundred year old super soldier boyfriend fits right into my daily catalog of not-so-normal.”

“And besides.” Tony looked up with a grin just past devilish. “I hear you good ol’ boys have stamina for days.”

James laughed out loud at that, and the moment was almost normal for them. The day passed in hours of teasing and then softer, more serious conversation and it was almost normal. Tony’s shaking got bad again around lunch and James took over all the crafting so he wouldn’t take another shot of lithium and Tony pouting when he didn’t get his way was almost normal.

And that night when their collider was assembled of some legitimate pieces and hobbled together with whatever else Tony found in the lab, when JARVIS lit up the ceiling with a replica of the proposed element and James was straining to turn the laser just right to hit the triangle Tony had painstakingly set up across the room, when the entire basement was shaking with the effort of containing the power of the collider--

--that night everything glowed blue as a new element came to be, and then everything glowed white when James helped Tony replace the piece in his reactor and JARVIS powered it up high enough to blank out the lights in the ceiling.

“Tastes like coconut.” Tony bent over and coughed as the reactor throttled and surged. “God, coconut and-- and metal.”

“How is it?” James was anxious, pacing and rubbing his hands together and wanting to rush to Tony but not daring to do so when his chest was lit up so bright. “Tony? Okay?”

“J?”

“The new core has bonded perfectly with the reactor.” JARVIS intoned, and Tony’s grin was brilliant. “Estimated life usage just shy of one hundred and six years if you continue to use it to power the suits on a daily basis, at least three times that amount if you simply retire like I have been advising you to do for months now. Honestly, sir. A hammock would do wonders for you.”

“Thank you, J. Your suggestion is noted and noted, and holy hell is your help appreciated. Love you, buddy.”

“And I am endlessly fond of you, sir.”

The reactor powered down to sustaining, the glow lessening to the usual blue and the second Tony looked his way, James ran across the room to get to him, hauled him up into a hug, spun him around and crushed a kiss to his mouth.

“Tonytonytony.” he gasped when Tony kissed him back just as hard. “We did it. You did it, you’re gonna be okay.”

“I’m gonna be okay.” Tony repeated, and he looked like he barely believed it himself. “Apparently a hammock is necessary for that continued okay though, so we should work on that?”

“I could sleep in a hammock.” James managed over the threat of grateful tears, one hand framing Tony’s face, the other spread protectively, possessively over the reactor and Tony’s heart. “If that’s what it takes sugar, I’ll sleep there every night with ya. Hammock is a small price to pay to have you back with me.”

“I’m sorry I left you alone.” Tony leaned into the palm at his chest, let the soldier take his full weight and breathed a sigh of relief when James held him so easily. “I’m sorry I thought the best way to cope was by myself. I kept thinking if I just went away quietly then it wouldn’t be so bad for everyone and I thought if you had Steve again--”

“Stevie is my best pal.” James interrupted, cutting Tony off when he tried to protest. “Tony, Stevie is my best friend but he’s not you. Not gonna replace you.”

“James.”

“Stop apologizin’ for doin’ what you thought was right.” he continued. “And don’t worry about Stevie. I love his dumb ass to death but it’s nothin’ like how I love--”

He smiled, a little sheepish and a whole lot flirty, “Nothin’ like how I love your ass, babydoll.”

Tony barked a surprised laugh when he got a grope at his rear after the comment. “Tell me, is this how Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes acted all the time? Halfway earnest and halfway horny?”

“I dunno.” James moved his hand from the reactor so he could sweep his fingers along Tony’s jaw and then down to the base of his neck, pale eyes sparking playfully. “But I’ve been remembering a few more things from who I used t’be.”

“Oh yeah?” Tony challenged, and James wet his lips and leaned in close to drawl,

“C’mon babydoll, don't ya wanna know why I let all th’pretty boys call me Bronco?”

*****************

Tony was still chuckling over the Bronco comment an hour later when James had finally given up on stealing kisses and passed out for a much needed nap on the couch.

Actually, he was still chuckling and also still blushing because it sure hadn’t taken much more than that low voice in his ear and a more than purposeful touch at his ass to remind him that it had been three weeks since he and James had shared a bed, and at least two weeks before that had been the last time Tony had managed to match James’s enthusiasm in bed stroke for--uh-- stroke.

Wait no, that wasn’t totally true. Tony had been fully enthusiastic but his body hadn’t responded the way he wanted and even though everything had still been incredible, there was no denying it would have been more incredible if he’d been healthy enough to fully enjoy it.

But all it had taken was a hint of that Brooklyn accent and a touch that was damn near chaste and Tony’s body was recovering and well on it's way back to perky, which explained why he was still blushing like an absolute moron, like a teenager with a crush, like a college kid with a perpetual hard--

“Sir, the latest blood test shows a small, but marked difference in your toxicity levels. It would seem the new core is doing it’s job splendidly. So long as you dedicate yourself to some rest and relaxation, I see no reason why you won’t be back to normal in a few weeks.”

“Rest and relaxation, huh?” Tony put the blood monitor back down and glanced over at the couch where James was sprawled out and snoring. “That sounds good. I could use the rest.”

“Should we set about removing the first steps of Ghost Protocol, seeing as how you are on the road to recovery?”

“No, leave Ghost Protocol in place.” Tony shut off most of the screens, but left the one monitoring his vitals and the new core output up so he could keep an eye on it. “All the decisions made were good ones and most likely the best ones going forward. Leave everything in place except for Dum-E’s move to the Children’s Hospital. Replace his acquisition with a check, something that will cover some therapy animals or something like that. No reason we shouldn’t still give the kids a reason to smile even though I’m being selfish and keeping my Dunce cap wearing buddy.”

“As you wish, sir.”

Tony rubbed at the arc reactor and the slowly fading black lines, pulled in a deep breath that only hurt a little bit. “You know J, the more I think about it, the better retirement sounds.”

“Stars and space and the empty cosmos?”

“I’m thinking about a hammock and the beach.” Tony corrected with a half smile. “But I’ll settle for a couch and a super soldier. Lights off, give me some sleeping music, something Mama used to play.”

“Yes sir.”

The familiar notes of Try to Remember floated over the speakers and Tony kicked off his shoes, stripped out of his pants and crawled up the couch to curl into James’s chest.

They fit together perfectly, legs tangling and arms wrapping tight, shifting to make room for one another on the couch and sharing a few sleepy kisses before finally settling in to rest.

“Love you sugar.” James mumbled and Tony lay his ear over the steady heartbeat and whispered back, “I love you too.”

Twenty five years he’d been hiding, twenty five years and honestly maybe more Tony had been wandering through life feeling lost.

But this?

This sure as hell felt like being found.

“I got you babydoll.” James pressed another kiss to Tony’s forehead when he felt the beautiful brunette shiver. “Got ya. Not goin’ anywhere.”

Tony snuggled closer and closed his eyes tight, every breath easier than the one before it as his body was slowly purged of the poison that had nearly killed him.

Found.

************

Chapter Notes:

Tony’s reactor will last 106 years, because MCU Bucky is 106 years old post EG.

SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE CHAPTER!

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@ships-galore @ceealaina @izziebladez @cwar1864 @hausoffro @tonystarkisanangel @multishippinglife @girlnic @iam93percentstardust @paranormalmoonlight5 @igotloki @moosette05 @wayward-student-philosopher @kaz-brekkers-gloves @atomicfandombomb @1fuckingshitup69 @agentlokii @livewire28 @tulipsnbigcats @kimstark @alex-stark-rogers @bibbarnes @heeeyitskay @goindownshipping @justaniche @actual-demon-belial

@quietgayguy @bluedreamdino @akimi-youngblood @blackstar1602 @dixiehellcat @travellover1245 @capnstarkey @the-awkward-teenaged-one @thanossucks @peteryoulittleshit @tony-and-steeeb @striving-artist @roe-sesandthorns @coolsidedpillow @i-am-worth-it-25 @firelightmystic @maligatorthealigator @simsccsol @a-tardis-in-221b @happyendingrequired @everygoodoneistaken11 @pootie-and-the-snoots @megahuffledor @xkissmeimirishx @crystalskrull @hazelbeatsturtle @wecollectnightmares @endrega23 @saganarojanaolt @the-crazy-house @ravynfyre @yomama-umbridge @lovely--tony @gayspacesprinkles @elliotkaingrey @warmachinesocks @glitternotgold73

#ncts fics #winteriron #tony stark #bucky barnes

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polarisashley · 4 years

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Eloise was nine the day she was prescribed a heavy dose of lithium. Her personality had always been immense, exasperated by her inability to control the fires she kept accidentally setting, and instead of supporting her the way a family should, they instead taught her that her emotions were something she ought to be ashamed of. To feel anything led to punishment (a higher dosage on a good day, a black eye on a bad), whether it resulted in accidental destruction or not; by the age of twelve, it was almost impossible to tell if the zombie-like way she walked through life was due to the medication or finally succumbing to submission. It didn’t matter in the end.

When she shed the pills and left town at eighteen, it was to chase freedom; and although the whole world was at her fingertips, her moods--and the shame that accompanied them--held her prisoner still. The first thing Eloise taught herself to embrace were the highs; people loved her when she was up, a ball of sunshine and positivity, ready to experience things she never before could. And she was lucky that this became her norm, a default swarm of love and laughter, because this was the Eloise that people liked. The Eloise that was worth something.

The issue was her inability to control the lows. She felt the whole world too much, and as beautiful as that was most of the time, she couldn’t separate herself enough to not feel intense anger and sadness, too. And that ball of intensity, as unfair as it was to anyone on the receiving end, was unavoidable. Sometimes it resulted in a patch of scorched earth, sometimes it was words that she meant but couldn’t take back, but it always turned a bad situation worse.

And therefore, no matter how much progress as she has made, Eloise still can’t unlearn the shame her parents instilled in her as a kid. Because of this, she doesn’t bounce back from these slowly. The road to mental recovery is anguishing, made worse by her own self-imposed isolation, and often feels more damaging than her original offense.

This is where she’s at today; Eloise isn’t special, not by any means, as the entirety of Polaris is feeling the weight of the past week, and her problems by comparison are minimal. To be honest, she can barely remember the fight with Carter, but the memory of waking up and scrolling through those text messages will likely weigh on her for quite some time. Nothing she said was a lie. He was just one more person in a long line of people who taught her that she wasn’t worth loving, but she’d been most blindsided by him after so many years that he’d stuck with her before leaving. She’s not really sure what she expected, like he might come out and tell her that he missed her and loved her after all this time, which was stupid of her to begin with.

And he was right, too. She was crazy. How could he have ever loved her? He knew her, all of her, saw her too clearly, and no one who sees Eloise in her entirety could ever love her.

She knows that, but there are times when she’s too idealistic and she forgets.

It’s not even about him anymore, not really. He just exists as proof of her own stupidity, but it doesn’t hurt any less.

Eloise had tried to fight the inevitable off--let herself help Carmen clean up Galatea, spent some time with friends at Nova’s--but the reality of letting anyone see her when she isn’t great is too much. She can’t afford to lose anyone else. Luckily, in the lingering chaos, it’s not as difficult as it normally is to blend into the background. Sit in the back of the class, don’t set anything on fire, don’t look anyone in the eye. What’s hard is that she doesn’t have anywhere to really go; the dorms are in too close proximity to Carter, and her anxiety becomes unbearable anytime she even thinks of the Ignis Wing, and for once this is something she doesn’t even feel comfortable bothering mom Professor Nix about, so. She has to be creative.

Today, in particular, she never even makes it to class. She starts off the day in the bed of some student she barely knows, sneaks out before they wake up and, still in last night’s clothes, takes her favorite hiking trail up to an empty spot on top of a small mountain nearby. Eloise isn’t doing herself any favors by sitting with her thoughts; they’re too loud, too much (she’s too much, always too much) but she spends the day letting them envelope her, reinforcing the narrative that she’s a piece of shit, unlovable, deserves to be alone--it’s dramatic, but so is she. The root of the problem.

Only when the sun begins to set does Eloise make her way back to campus, hand engulfed in flames so she can see her way down the trail. It’s quite when she arrives, much as planned, but she still doesn’t dare to go back to the dorm yet, not when there’s a chance that she might have to face Carter, who likely hasn’t given her a second thought since that night, because she’s not worth loving, why should he spare another second on her, he left her for a reason--

With a soft exhale, Eloise winds around the back of the buildings to the Astronomy tower, where she prays to Aries she can find some quiet. In luck, she shuts the door quietly behind her and moves to the center of the empty room where she sits, knees pulled to her chest.

She’ll pull out of it. She always does. But tonight, Eloise feels like she’s fifteen again, miserable and ashamed, and no one to blame but herself.

#abuse tw #depression tw #ashley can't write for shit tw #eloise: int.#this is the most melodramatic piece of shit

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geektech713 · 4 years

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My Bipolar life & Struggles

My Testimony! living with bipolar & healed of bipolar in 2017 about my 2008 story I am disabled by federal government and state because of my bipolar disorder . I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after I started my business outside of high school ..I been fighting for my life since 2001 when I was diagnosed ..I started Digitalrao dba on december 15th 2001 and then I was diagnosed by doctor in March I was on medication . I was only 18 or 19 when I started my business straight out high school I was about about to start find funding and everything ..but High school friends and bullies at school were making making me fight for get be left alone ..I was throw in ISS most the school year and everything I eventually left I went to Private Christian school in my town to get school . I am always learning because of my disorder makes me hard to concrete . I am not the violent type of bipolar you hear about ..I like to take care of my issue ASAP before it gets worse , find the doctors to help .I am forced to take medication for my survival and I won’t be able to destroy my life or online rep . For all those who don’t know my testimony . Bipolar Disorder is Mental Illness , I believe it because I gave up on life with my Bullied bad in high school and standed up against them . I was in school for almost 4 -5 years because of other issues and then Private I tried to finish early but I took college Computer Networking class at another High School in our District for extra credit an Air Force ROTC . I flew once behind the control of small plane too . I have decided to follow Jesus with everything after finding an youth group called Portico at Old lakewood church campus before the moved into stadium ..Lakewood church ..Joel Osteen before that was John Osteen before he went up to the lord . well I was fighting to get my life on the straight path because I was fighting things unseen I don’t want to talk about it was battle over my soul after I got out the hospital and doctor visits and court from trans passing at my high school I went too .after couple months of dealing with State over my condition they dismissed my charged I was set free and I came running to God/Jesus because .I know medication and doctors wouldn’t be able to heal me . Bipolar disorder was called Manic Depression . yes I suffer from depression I haven’t been depressed in couple of months It is getting better. Bipolar is very serious mental condition . it destroys life’s left and right ..I am restart my life after relapse 2 years and took me 2 years of Hard work to get back where I am now but I had to fight for my life in everything I believe in and test my thinking and mindset and friends . I do my business because it is my dream and It is accident in 2001 Google came out and was just a start up and I heard about I google how to start a business and researched how to get into it ..I am just dba doing business as One day I will have enough money to Corporate it and just watch it grow and let some Jesus let MBA older person lead the company .well i was saying . I was starting to building up on my own feet with no partnerships or anything I am boot stamping Digital Rao right now But I have partnership with Business Remedy my first independent contract . well one with my story I was engaged to some girl that I though would be the one well I thought she was real christian and changed but I was wrong ..short story she left me after one of my business owner friends told me she was using me or cheating on me . I was heart Broken . I tried to get computers jobs to keep afloat I was working at Kroger and moved up 3 positions in 9 months of being their from sacker to dairy department but I was asked to be Kroger Department manager because I am career driven . I told other store manager NO because some off the wall . my X fiance parents and her was telling to say NO to the offer because some stupid reason . but my personal reason was because I wanted to be in computers not retail environment I left to Truckstop to work the cashiers and learn to run a store at night ..well I was working on my business running , taking calls and going to work at night 10-6am and then I would take calls from my ad’s in yellow pages and online and talk with vendors and so on …Lets say I almost had it but then how my story gets sad and depressing ..well I said my X fiance . I wanted to go Trade conference in Dallas,TX an Technology conference I was invited to go as local business I was so happy and my fiance wasn’t I was preparing to go a room at hotel some far to save on gas and food and all expenses just getting ready and then bam . I wanted to go San Antonio or Round Rock,TX aka HQ of DELL , I looked at my checking and asked her if wanted to go micro-vacation she told me NO . I said I need to get away from all the stress I am under and get new prospective I was trying to find my balance because I felt unbalanced and drained . we kissed each other bye and I made to San Antonio and to get some gas and food and my personal checking account bounced on me , came back on me I was denied it was 2 hours after that i got to San Antonio from Houston area . I was at McDonald’s and realized I was broke I was cleaned out ..I had credit balance 500 dollars or more on my personal side and i tried every credit card I had I think .. receive well my other story began I ran out of gas just under the under pass at one dell way under the highway I stalled their and one dell employee put 10 or 20 dollars in my tank I was thankful but after driving short distance wasn't enough to get me to back home I went to find the Dell Diamond ..then I ran out of gas at night by some homes ..and then I started to walk like Jesus and find someone to help me . I was desperate I went to walking to 7-11 and asked for job application I wanted to work In Round Rock to get some money . I had crazy idea’s after failed attempts I talked couple what happened to me and everything and I went walking to church for help just stay the night or anything it was Sunday night as I was about step on the crosswalk of the church the Round Rock Police pulled nearly arrested me . i told them what happen with me and took me my Chevy Tahoe , and the mental people checked me out for the County and said you are good to go not going Jail for the Night since you are small business owner from not our area . I was thankful the round rock county took me to Red Roof Inn and then I tried to call parents and KSBJ to let them pray for me I used Google 411 to make calls out area because it was source to talk to KSBJ prayer volunteer to for my safe return home I was KSBJ Special events volunteer and Share-A-Thon they knew me if i emailed them or anything well long story short I lost everything my Chevy Tahoe and nearly my business nearly went bankrupt but I am fighting that I want to share more but I need to write a book I am looking for someone to tell my whole story about my life , I was in mediation and i heard a voice say Write a book . I meditate every now and then I have found an Android app to help enter in God so close to hear loud as thunder and everything I know what his voice sounds like ..I want to finish this up my ending but I need to do other stuff . well my ending I had bitter-heart and nearly went back into the world and go back into all the wrong stuff , not drugs or anything just wrong people and everything . I tried to go back to church but it didn’t work . I ended up asking Jesus/God to break me down until the bare bone which I asked God to make life hell for me and He did because I asked I need to be broken so I can return back back my where , I had find my bottom my valley ..well 4 months ago I am God Broke me down I had no friends and everything was hell I was broke ..no Job or computer jobs or 2nd jobs to get by ….I had one of my medications Lithium nearly kill me . .it had poisoned my blood steam I was very sick , so sick ..after I realized it was medication I called my doctor told what was happening, throwing up ,stomach pains ,extreme migraines and it was hell . I was depressed and lonely and out of hope and grace I felt but I wasn’t God was close or nearby I didn’t see him or anything but something snapped in my brain I heard his voice say Fight for you life or Come back one of the two it isn’t your time yet I am not done with you yet i believe . I said OK lets fight for my life and I live with my parents at 29 because I lost everything I asked my dad to take me to the hospital he didn’t I begged and pleaded with him I was in no condition to drive to my Hospital ER in Sugar land for treatment I didn’t think of 911 and deal wit the police and EMS people and causing the whole street getting blocked off because of sickness I was dealing with ..so I went to bed and fought my demons and sickness and asked God to help me get out of sickness I was tired of being sick for 3 to 5 months at all at once .. well I asked I asked God in my room after listening to KSBJ.org I was doing anything to try to get back to God after 2 years being in the wildness I am back to God I am getting praise and thanksgiving every second I have with God .. God and Jesus and Holy Spirit ..I know the trinity .God is Love and God is grace and God is restore and many things ..I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.. Not by might nor by power my but my by spirit says the the lord Almighty .. I have many verses on my heart they will come to me …. 2012 update here is my update I dated the wrong girlfriend she wasn’t Christian then i fell from grace after that months later I got Baptist at The 429 and made friends with wrong people and left church for awhile i didn’t even realize i was blind and isolated to the point I didn’t have any friends to say ..in the process i lost everything again my grandma’s car broke down and won’t turn over and i lost my 2nd business Digitalrao Solutions . A couple days ago i went to see one of my Christian friends at her Christian resale shop called by Faith and she was in bad shape but had positive outlook on where she was going and had faith of mustard seed i see God flowing out when we were talking , she said alot of things i been dealing with myself one thing i said i had doubt , then slowly God started to turn on the heat on me to point i was crying and asking for forgiveness and then i got invited couple weeks ago before that Go back to church with old jr high school friend and God was talking to me thru sunday and service . I did fall from Grace ..i wasn’t the best example but I have turn from my old ways . Got right with him .. well to continue my story i was getting hell from church members calling my business line at the time i just was start up with Digitalrao Solutions,dba maybe my 3 year as start up and then Dealing with G-watts BBQ Pit i was doing all kind programming and setup Comcast Business internet for him and then they got the wrong tablet for square i told them go get ipad they did i did more programming even paid for fake charities he had too ..one time i found the owner coming out of BBQ pit with red eyes he was doing some kind of drugs i caught him even partner too .. i asked do you gamble too then Micka forgot to pay my invoices they're protesting my invoices when i did 2 free jobs and then almost 3rd one ..then they hire a The Church volunteer member was volunteering lot with him i was made MVP once during winter times no one else couldn't handle Texas blue Norther's like me so i was only one doing traffic and setting up stuff to get attention of drivers then i was dealing dealing FBI/CIA/NSA even caught Spy Satellite in the sky on my horizon then falling off into distance because I called Obama out on what he is doing and i said i know what your planning to do ..i think you know who i am on twitter ..so i was being then i got a call from mexican women not saying where that they're going to kidnap me this was Mexican drug cartels after me too then my dad started to get bitter about me approved for cars left and right but kicked to the road and walking took me off insurance he just had big anger issue since i was apart of GOP Harris county Liberty Freedom Caucus he refused to take me GOP events or go so they fired me , then one of the Rosenberg Cops told me ya ur getting watched by cartels we see cars driving by i am not giving locations of cameras lol anyway then 2 days later i had panic mode fearing from everything around me that they might shoot up the place but then did something stupid ..later realized it was setting up for Success when i got to Group home my dad wouldnt let me come home , anyways i was in group home for 3 months then i didn't start to go back to Church of Living Waters until 6 or 8 th month because i was afraid of church who i would run into or accuse me again sometimes i run into accusers at Church of living waters they dont say anything to me . i am am slowly going back to Church of Living waters Darren Frank seen what i been thru sometimes i txt him too much , or quit anyways , Jimn Kyles had nothing to do with me but Pastor Darren Frank took me under his wings and protected me and even prophecy saying i will have no friends ya that is where i am at now . back the story I was going around town causing chaos when one time i went Mexican restaurant saying i did Youtube video of this place y'all are made here but they called the Police on me Kicked me out anyways the most famous restaurant located by the place now they're up for sale back to story i was saying Rosenberg Police Sargent called me criminal over my bipolar i finally gave up my secret i was one filing FBI IC3 reports they didn't know who it was ..then Assistant Police Chief got caught now facing charges anyways .. now i am giving member of Church of Living waters in Rosenberg ..i don’t give to buy out God i give to because i am generous giver, I got healed of Bipolar disorder in July ,2017 still going thru process dealing with Therapist and Family doctors that don't understand what happen to me . 2020 update my Pdoc at Texana took myself off Deproke , i haven’t had depression in 3 years so i am off my depression med , just taking 1 medication If Technical side like my Businesses use [email protected] until i can buy back my domains back ! i do need money to live ...I want to INC up ASAP .

#Bipolar Struggle healed

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polarishq · 4 years

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Meet ELOISE DELAURENTIS. They are FIFTY-NINE years old and hail from AUSTIN, TX. Eloise embodies the constellation, ARIES. They use she/her pronouns. Their faceclaim is LAURA DREYFUSS.

Aries reminds me of kisses that taste like tequila or beer (or whiskey on a bad day), nailing another rendition of ‘downtown’ by macklemore at your favorite karaoke bar, an unexpected empty bed in the morning, fire escapes, burnt toast, spontaneous road trips, seinfeld reruns, eating ramen to ensure you can afford your monthly me undies subscription, dancing in the kitchen, half-finished puzzles, winning another round of mario kart, flashy sunglasses.

BIOGRAPHY

(TW: mentions of medication, alcoholism, abuse.)

Eloise’s childhood was spent around people who actively tried to suppress her magical inclinations. That was a difficult feat for someone whose power was so intricately intertwined with her emotions, and even more so when that power could manifest in actual fireballs. The truth was that she was the product of an affair between her mother and a Wizard, and while that had never been explicitly said, her father (or who she’d thought to be her father) just knew. They likely stayed together because the whispers of a bastard kid were better than the scandal of a divorce in their community at that time, but Eloise would have been much better off had they bit the bullet. With or without powers, Eloise was viewed as a dark mark on their marriage; neither of her parents were kind to her, and when her dad’s drinking got worse, there were nights when that verbal aggression became physical.

She didn’t know why, of course. She suspected, at that time, it was because she was a handful; a ball of energy from the get-go and always getting into something, Eloise could be found on any given day playing a pickup game of kickball in the streets or leading the neighborhood kids on some adventure in the woods, coming home after dark tracking mud through the house and hoping she’d get lucky that night. She was rascally and rambunctious, and a little all over the place, and it made sense that she drove her parents crazy. She had no idea that the fact that she was aging far slower than her friends had a lot to do with it, too.

Her power manifested at age seven–later than some, perhaps, and as much as her parents had hoped it wouldn’t, it really was an inevitability. Eloise setting fire to a set of curtains because she was angry was problematic; punishing her for something she couldn’t control only made things worse, as her power was tied to her emotions, so being angry and scared only made these incidents more frequent. Her parents shamed her, made it clear that what she was was an abomination, and put her on lithium to suppress her moods. To their credit, that did the trick; it didn’t remove her ability to create fire but the meds did make her feel nothing, and making her feel like the scum of the earth for exploring her abilities meant she experimented shamefully and only in private.

Eloise’s teenage years were a blur of medication, weed (it was the 70s, after all), and staying as far under the radar as humanly possible–something that was against her nature, to say the least. She stayed out of the house as much as possible, just trying to keep her head above water until she turned eighteen (although she didn’t look anything close to it, which was a problem in and of itself). She was fifteen when her father finally admitted that he wasn’t her father, and at sixteen her mom gave her the name of the man who was–she fantasized a lot about her real father, wondering if he was a good person, equipped to take her in and help her figure out the enormity of who she really was. Still, for the time being, she took no action.

The night she graduated high school, Eloise packed two bags and left, with no idea where she was going to go. After wandering around town, she ended up at a gas station where she ran into someone she’d just graduated with, but had never really spoken to before, although he’d been the only other person in her grade level who looked as young as she did. The two of them sat and talked for hours, and by the time the sun came up, she’d convinced him to go with her. He had a car and an agenda similar to hers, and they decided to travel with the eventual agreement that they’d track down her father. And so the two of them, barely more than strangers, started out on their road trip.

That road trip stretched on for almost thirty years. By week two she’d run out of her medication and felt real for the first time in a decade, and Eloise flourished under this new lifestyle. They traveled all over the country (and Europe, eventually, after a particularly lucky financial break), stopping places for a few months at a time, working odd jobs and making a wide variety of friends before getting bored and moving onto the next place. It didn’t seem sustainable, but they didn’t get tired of it. Eloise finally had the freedom to really tap into her power now, too, and spent a lot of time trying to train herself and really harness her abilities. In the 90s, her Aries ram mark appeared, and she felt so fucking happy that she had some guidance as to who she was for the first time in her life. Being the embodiment of a Zodiac meant everything.

Their nomad lifestyle ended in 2009 when Eloise finally got the courage to track down her father. He was a fire element, much like her, but harnessed his powers for darker purposes–a stark contrast to what had become her own bright, bubbly personality. Still, he was the first person who could do anything close to what she could, and she was desperate for some kind of guidance and acceptance, so for several years, she trained under him. He tried his best to tap into her angry side, knowing that was where the bulk of her energy was, and being an Aries, she certainly had an angry side–it just wasn’t something she often felt anymore. But she wanted to impress her father (the only family she’d ever known who treated her like a human), and so she did what she was asked. Until, one day, he pushed her too far, and… she burned his house down.

Ursa Major found her after that, and Eloise was off to Polaris for the first time. The first leg of her training was rough; still reeling from the realization that her father had been using her, Eloise found it difficult to keep her emotions in check at first, making her rather volatile and resistant in classes. After a year, she left the school, choosing again to live a rather nomadic lifestyle–this time, alone–to try and regain her sense of self.

She returned to Polaris in 2018 in much better shape. She is, now, settled back in her true sense of self; altogether happy, always a little manic, and eager to live her life as she wants to live it, resistant to rules and restrictions. After years of disjointed and harmful training when it came to her witchcraft, she still has some instances where she doesn’t have full control over herself, but this time she actively wants to try. After years of moving around and never truly having a place to call home or a real family, Eloise truly wants to be a leader at Polaris.

INCLINATION

Aries partakes in the highest form of fire magic that is controlled as a part of their own heart’s fire. They are able to create fire attacks, create flames out of thin air, and even???? Aries is resistant to heat and flame, and cannot be burned by their own fire. They have a tough relationship with water, and may have difficulty casting and conjuring while standing in a body of water. Aries is a natural-born leader, and assumes that role within the zodiac. Aries needs to keep its own volatility in check, otherwise its fire can become massive-scale and extremely destructive.

CONNECTIONS

Filling the role of Marisol Alvarez’s opposites attract.

Filling the role of Esther Hughes’ makeshift therapy group.

The Nomad: He was in the same graduating class as Eloise, and although they didn’t speak all throughout high school, the two had a silent understanding that there was a true reason why they were both aging far more slowly than everyone else. The night they graduated, the two of them ran into each other and decided to leave town, and that night turned into a road trip/nomadic lifestyle that lasted around thirty years. This is the only best friend that Eloise has ever had. Maybe there was something more there, or maybe they’re just like siblings, and maybe they don’t even talk anymore–but at one point in time, they were definitely each other’s worlds.

Polarizing Force: Although these days it’s tough to crack Eloise’s sunny persona, this person just gets under her skin. Maybe they’re moody or purposefully antagonizing, or maybe they’re dominant enough that they view Eloise as a challenge, or maybe they just like to see her angry, but this person is a threat to years of hard work to get herself into a positive mindset.

Penned by Ashley ★

#aries.#fire.#taken.#ashley.#student.

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dailyaudiobible · 5 years

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11/13/2019 DAB Transcript

Ezekiel 27:1-28:26, Hebrews 11:17-31, Psalms 111:1-10, Proverbs 27:15-16

Today is the 13th day of November. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I am Brian. It's great to be here with you on this 317th day of the year, which is our 317th day together as we’re making our way to the Scriptures this year. We’re continuing to work our way through the book of Ezekiel in the Old Testament and the book of Hebrews in the New. And we’re reading from the Christian Standard Bible this week. Today, Ezekiel chapters 27 and 28.

Commentary:

Alright. So, yesterday we were talking about what is known as the “hall of faith” found here in the book of Hebrews. And, so, we continued walking down that hall of faith in today's reading. And, so, what we've done basically is begin in the book of Genesis and then the author of Hebrews begins to point out instances in the Hebrew Scriptures where faith was like the irreplaceable part of the story. And, so, we spent all of our time walking down those examples in today's reading from the Old Testament, right? So, it was by faith that Abraham offered Isaac as a sacrifice for God was testing him. It was by faith that Isaac promised blessings for the future of his sons, Jacob and Esau. It was by faith that Jacob when he was old and dying, blessed Joseph's sons. It was by faith that Joseph when he was about to die talked about leaving Egypt. It was by faith that Moses parents hid him for three months when he was born. It was by faith that Moses, when he grew up, refused to be identified with Pharaoh's daughter. It was by faith that Moses left the land of Egypt, not fearing the king's anger. It was by faith that Moses commanded the people of Israel to keep the Passover. It was by faith that the people of Israel went right through the Red Sea as they were on dry ground. It was by faith that the people of Israel marched around Jericho for seven days and the walls crashed down. It was by faith that Rahab the prostitute was not destroyed. So, you can see it was “by faith”, that phrase pounded over and over as we’re looking at the examples simply starting at the beginning of the Bible and working our way forward. This is because the author, the writer of Hebrews was pointing out something that had always been obvious but hadn't been seen, hadn’t been understood in this context. And the larger point is the same point that the apostle Paul made in his writings, it was by faith that all of these things happened not by adherence to some sort of code or ethic. It was by faith. Faith was the component that…that changed all of the stories. Like today We worked from Genesis all the way to the book of Joshua and without faith all of the major characters and all of the major decisions of those stories that carry the narrative forward in the Bible wouldn't have happened. Like what if this was the hall of disbelief that we were walking down and all of these people had the supreme opportunity to live by faith with God in covenant, but they chose not to, right? We would have…we would either not have the Bible or we would have a different Bible. And this is the point that's being made. Like, faith is the key to our union with God and our awareness of the spiritual realms. Faith has always been the essential component of life with God. It still is. Nothing has changed there. Without faith we can't please God. And in all of the examples that we read of today in the hall of faith, God responded to their faith. So, we’re talking about faith because we’re walking down this hall of faith, but we have to think about our own faith. We can certainly look and go, like, “He's…that's right…that's right…faith was the thing because all the way back to the beginning I can see that now.” But what about your faith? What about our faith right now? Because what we are putting our faith in is essentially what we are giving our hearts to in worship as if it were God, as if it were going to be able to bring us life. So, let's think about it because that's the point. That's what the author of Hebrews is trying to show here. Where is your faith because without it you're going nowhere? So, it would be a good thing to not lose it, and it would be a good thing to know where it is at all times. So, it comes down to, like, in whom, or in what have we put our faith? We see from the hall of faith with…that when people against all odds put their faith in God, God responds. That hasn't changed. So, maybe we’re waiting for God to respond only to sit down and realize we do not have faith that He will and we have put our faith in someone or something else. Or maybe we put our faith in ourselves and we’ve gotta dig out of this. Maybe our faith is in the wrong place. Something to think about today.

Prayer:

Holy Spirit we invite You to help us think about that, to begin to unpack where is we’re putting our faith because it's been made abundantly clear, we will never please You without faith. And, so, forgive us for all of the times that we’ve tried to navigate without it or that we’ve put our faith in something that can't deliver, and given our hearts in worship to that thing or that person. Forgive us for these things. We see the foolishness of our ways. We place our faith, all of it…all of it…there is no plan B…all of it is in You and You alone. We invite You Holy Spirit to come into that. Show us all of the areas that we’ve placed our faith in other things. We pray this in the name of Jesus. Amen.

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And that’s it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hi this is Rachel from Pennsylvania and I heard a prayer request from a guy who was struggling with his job and also his eyesight. I didn’t catch his name, but I think it’s the second time I heard a prayer request from him about his eyes. So, I wanted to pray, lift him up to God for prayer. Dear God, please help this man who called in for prayer for his job and his eyesight. He’s been struggling with a job and he left one and then started another God and he’s having the same problems in the second job and he doesn’t know what to do. He’s starting to doubt You. So, I just want to lift him up and please God make Yourself real to him. Show him that You’re…that You’re there, that You have a plan for him and please just give him peace about it. Maybe You already have. I think the prayer request was maybe from August. So…but if he’s still struggling God, please give him a boost, help him out and also please help them figure out what’s going on with his own life or just, You know, I want to lift up whatever is going on with it to You and please heal it. He seems to lose site in his eye every now and then, I think he said his left eye. So, God just please pour out Your Holy Spirit on him and healing in Your name. Amen.

Hi, DAB will you pray for my son William. Today, after battling forces for many years saying that he is worthless, and he is not loved and that he is useless another student at school told him the same thing. He decided that he __ went into the bathroom to eat a lithium-ion battery. We spent the whole day in emergency and the state decided to send him into the psychiatric ward. Please pray for him. Thank you.

Hey DABbers, this is his messenger in upstate New York and I also wanted to give you guys a praise report. My father-in-law had a procedure for his heart this week and things seem to have gone well. So, the prayers were answered for that. My best friend of like a decade and a half or something, she’s been fighting her insurance agency through something with her roof and there’s a claim and they just admitted guilt and as a result hopefully they’ll pay to fix all the stuff that’s broken in her house because of this roof. So, I just praise God that that’s happened that her prayers are answered. And I don’t know how much of a believer she is. We’ve had a lot of conversations about that, but I just hope that she could develop a relationship with Jesus through this. You know, she asks me, you know, why would she have to go through all the stuff and why would it have to be so hard and I just pray that maybe that’s for her relationship with Jesus to blossom if not develop. She’s currently fostering a young boy his name is Anakin. So, I just pray for her, that she can have the wisdom that she needs to do a good job to raise him in a godly way. And pray for the young the young man, that he can be surrounded by people that are…that will guide him to God and to Jesus and, you know, I just praise God for all these amazing things that I hear from my little Cherry and from Victoria Soldier and from Blind Tony and from all of you guys. I just keep praying for Aaron in Oklahoma, for, I think it’s Jared the encourager, For Rebecca with your flute and your photography. Guys it’s just so awesome to hear from you and to hear how God is working in everybody’s lives. Just keep hope, keep running the race, keep being steadfast, knowing that there is a purpose for this and todays trials and tribulations will be tomorrow’s testimonies.

Hey guys how you doing this is the Prodigal, John. Hey, I wanted to call in with a praise report. There’s a change for you, ha? But prayed for my son and he…looks like he might be turning things around. So, thank you for your prayers for him and thank you for your prayers for me. I’m still struggling to get my business turned around, but God’s blessed me with some good new partners and we’re taking some massive steps to turn the business around. And, so, prayerfully we’ll pull out of this thing because the alternative is bankruptcy, which is no good. Anyway, thank you for your prayers. As you can hear, I’m tired. I’m busting my butt, have been forever but God’s been gracious enough to show me a little light which is…which is awesome. So, I wanted to let you know that every one of you who call in, I pray for you and I feel for you. I feel your pain because I…and again…I am thinking of pain. I’ve got…I’ve got to have my shoulder replaced, terribly invasive surgery and by back is broken for the third time and I’m trying to live with it at the moment. But I want to pray. Today I pray for you and I’m a little bit behind. That’s on me. Just been way too busy. But today I wanted to call out Biola. She called in. She was out on her walk and she sounded so happy and her voice is just like grace and I know a lot of people feel the same way. Blind Tony your poems are great. Awesome stuff, everybody. And Sinner redeemed, still waiting to hear from you brother. I feel like were soulmates bro so give a shout back. Brian thanks to you and Jill and everybody for what you do. And just pray for you and pray you all make it a blessed day. God bless you. Bye-bye.

Good morning this is Janice from Illinois and I’m asking this morning for prayer for my husband Bill. He has been diagnosed with lymphoma and has had several treatments and there are many, many complications that have occurred. Right now, he’s on a respirator and we’re just praying and hoping that he will be able to breathe on his own soon. Just praying for healing and Father just help me to strong. Thank you.

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The Murder of Arthur Wright XV

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Chapter Fifteen: The Life and Death of Abigail Wright

The tension was thick and heavy. A thousand questions tumbled in Margot’s mind, but it seemed that her brain had been disconnected from her mouth, and she could speak none of them. Dash was the same. More than once he opened his mouth speak, or raised a finger as if to point, or moved to replace his hat on his head. He did none of those things, and finally settled in a limp, disbelieving stance.

Desdemona had not moved, keeping her head buried in her hands, deliberately not looking at her twin. After a long, drawn out silence Abigail took the seat next to her.

“Don’t you dare,” Desdemona said. “Don’t you dare say that everything will be all right.”

Abigail drew back, hurt flashing across her face. “I don’t know if it will or not. But, Dessy, it needed to be done.” She swallowed hard, and said very quietly, “It was my decision to make.”

Desdemona’s head snapped up at that, defiance burning in her eyes. For a moment they were in their own world, sharing an entire conversation without words. Slowly the anger left Desdemona, and she rose to her feet.

“I assume you have questions,” she said, rubbing her forehead.

“A few,” Dash said.

“Abby had nothing to do with my father’s death, and neither did I,” Desdemona said fiercely. “He thought she was dead, for heaven’s sake!”

Abigail flinched.

“Yeah, that’s going to take a bit of explaining,” Dash said. “And I think it’d be better to hear it from the horse’s mouth.”

“Abigail owes you nothing, Mr. Cain,” Desdemona said, moving to shield her sister from view. “And you still aren’t welcome here. Neither of you are.”

“Dessy, stop,” Abigail said. “This isn’t helping. Father’s dead, and they have every reason to suspect it was one of us. If we tell them the truth…”

“That’s no guarantee that they’ll believe us,” Desdemona snapped. “Do what you want, Abigail, but I refuse to get involved.”

“If you didn’t want to be involved you wouldn’t have given Anansi that poem,” Abigail said quietly.

Desdemona recoiled as if she’d been slapped, her face going from shocked to angry to defensive in seconds. “That’s a low blow, coming from you.” She blinked rapidly as if trying not to cry. “After all he’s done…I’m sorry, Abby, but I can’t. I just…can’t.”

“Which is why I must.”

“Of course it is,” Desdemona said, defeated. “Tell them what you want. I’ll have no part of it.” Wiping her eyes angrily she pushed past Dash and rushed out of the apartment.

“Someone should go after her,” Dash said, mouth turned down in worry. “You stay with this one, Prof. I’ll make sure she’s okay.”

He hurried to follow Desdemona, pausing only to whisper in Margot’s hear, “Soft touch, Professor.”

“I know,” Margot murmured, but he was already gone, leaving her alone with Abigail Wright.

At a glance, she looked even more like her mother than Desdemona. Abigail was the only of the Wright children to inherit Adeline’s grey eyes and dark, chestnut hair. But unlike Desdemona she carried none of her mother’s confidence, fire, or natural charm. Abigail had the pale complexion of someone who spent too much time indoors and dark rings under her eyes that gave her a look of perpetual exhaustion. Her clothes were made of muted colors, her hair kept up in a nondescript bun, and she carried herself like someone who was used to being invisible.

Abigail Wright looked like a shadow of a woman, a fitting description for someone who ought to be dead.

“You might as well sit down,” Abigail sighed. “I would offer you tea, but I’m not sure where Dessy keeps hers.”

“You don’t live with her?” Margot asked.

“No. It was too risky at the beginning, and as much as I love my sister she can be overwhelming.” She looked down at her hands, and Margot noticed she had bitten her nails down to the quick. She picked absentmindedly at the cuticles in a nervous gesture.

“I don’t know where to begin,” Abigail admitted.

“The beginning would be nice,” Margot said as she took a seat next to her. “But I understand it can be difficult to know where the beginning lies.”

Abigail looked up at her, surprised. “Yes. That’s it exactly. In some ways it feels like my whole life is tangled up in my father’s death.” Her face fell once more. “Please don’t think too harshly of Desdemona. She has every right to be angry.”

“And you don’t?” Margot asked.

“I…” The nervousness in her hands worsened, though Margot noticed she kept her back ramrod straight, a vestige her childhood training that remained even now.

“Sometimes I wish I could be angry,” Abigail said. “I’m told anger can be a powerful analgesic, but all I can do is ask why even when I know there are no good answers.” She dared to look at Margot. “Do you ever have nightmares? About what caused your scars?”

Margot was taken aback by the question. “Sometimes. There was a moment when I was helpless to fight back, and I was sure I was going to die. It was a terrible feeling.”

Abigail nodded slowly as she processed this. “I think you might understand then.” She took a deep breath to steady herself, and then she began to speak.

“When I was a child I developed an interest in magic. Father taught me, though it irritated Mother to no end. I don’t think he would have if Felix had taken to it like he wanted, but Father wished desperately for one of us to follow in his footsteps. He wanted one of his children to love magic like he did.

“I don’t know how much of my aptitude was natural talent and what part stemmed from my desire to please him. Magic was something I was good at—it was the only thing I was good at, and when I was with my father it didn’t matter if I was awkward and bookish.”

Abigail paused again, her eyebrows drawing together. “If I had been a boy it wouldn’t have mattered, but as desperate as Father was to pass on his legacy, Mother was determined to see us well married and with families of our own. The first time I heard my parents quarrel was when I said I wanted to continue learning magic instead of going Miss Goodwin’s School for Girls with Desdemona. I think the only reason I was allowed to go was to keep Dessy and I separated. When I wasn’t with my father Dessy managed to wrangle me into all sorts of mischief, and there was no reason to believe that would change when we were in boarding school.

“I did well at school, but I wasn’t happy there. I didn’t realize that the boys and girls were taught separately, and that girls were only instructed in the arts deemed suitably feminine. This, I think, was my father’s concession to my mother. I could learn magic, but it would be a woman’s magic.”

“How is that allowed?” Margot said.

“It was a private school,” Abigail said. “It didn’t have to answer to the same qualifications from the State. In any case, it doesn’t matter. I learned what they taught me and spent a great deal of my free time in the library teaching myself. One of the few joys were my father’s weekly letters. I tried to pretend that I liked school, but he must have sensed something because he began sending me questions for me to work on. They were monstrously difficult, but I began to look forward to them.” She smiled softly at the memory. “It was like a game. He would try to find a problem that I couldn’t solve, and I would do my best to solve it without anyone finding out what I was doing. And that was how I learned more about magical theory than anyone in that school, regardless of gender.

“It was around that time that my father’s research began to stall. For years he had tried to simplify the spellwork required for his equation on teleportation, but there came a point where it couldn’t be simplified any further and it was still too much of a magic load required to be practical. I, er, assume you’re familiar with my father’s research?” she asked suddenly.

“Some,” Margot said. “I know before switching to lithium as a power source he tried using diamonds.”

“That’s the traditional medium for holding large amounts of magical energy,” Abigail said. “And with a big enough diamond it would have worked, but my father was dead set on Teleportation for the masses, and there just aren’t enough gemstones of that size, and if there were they wouldn’t be particularly affordable.”

“You know a great deal about your father’s work,” Margot observed.

Twin spots of pink formed on her cheekbones. “Well, yes. I spent years studying with him, and after I left for school I don’t think he felt like he had anyone else to talk to. He was so secretive, even to his colleagues at the University.”

“He trusted you,” Margot said.

“I was his blood,” Abigail said simply. “More than that, we understood one another. He would get so frustrated when Wizards took all the glory for their feats of magic when their power was given to them, not earned. More than anything he wanted his name spoken in the same breath as theirs.”

“How altruistic,” Margot said, eyebrows raising.

Abigail grimaced. “My father was a proud man. Perhaps too proud. But he was also driven. He said that those with talent ought to use their talent, not waste it on frivolousness. He saw so much of society as frivolous, and rejected it. That…that can be a very lonely way to live, but that didn’t matter to him so long as he was successful in what he set out to do. Yet for a period of time he was stuck with this unsolvable problem that would drive him to the brink of madness, making him think that conventional wisdom was right and that some things are just impossible, even for magic.

“I hated hearing his despair, even in letters,” Abigail said quietly. “So I began searching for an answer, too.”

Margot jerked upright, startling her. Her eyes grew wide as she realized where Abigail’s rambling story was finally leading. “Are you telling me…?”

“I read an article in a journal. There was a mage working with a team of archeologists studying ancient artifacts. He found traces of lithium within one of them, and there was speculation that it was used as some kind of power source. It was a tiny little thing, no longer than my thumb. I thought the idea was absurd, but the more I researched the more I realized there was great potential in using lithium, if only because it’s cheaper and more prevalent in nature.” Abigail shrugged and looked down at her hands. “Father had spent so much time trying to fit his spell to work with a diamond, he never thought to look for a material that would work better with his spell.”

“You were the one who came up with the idea?” Margot said. She gripped the arms of her chair, pulse pounding so loudly that she wasn’t sure she could hear the soft-spoken elf. She could hardly believe it. Master Wright’s greatest achievement wasn’t his own. Suddenly she remembered the secret compartment in his desk. There had been stacks of letters from a school Margot hadn’t recognized, going back years. Were those the letters from Abigail’s time at boarding school?

Margot realized now why he would keep them hidden behind a hidden panel and a disillusion charm, and wondered what other secrets might be hiding in his correspondence.

“It was just an idea; Father was the one who figured out how to make it work,” Abigail protested. Her nervous fidgets worsened, until finally she had to stand up and begin pacing.

“It was just an idea,” she repeated, “and we both knew that no one would take it seriously if it came from me. My father poured his life and soul into his research—he was the one who designed the diagrams, he was the one who wrote the spellwork, and he was the one who convinced the world that it could be done.”

“And he’s the one who took all the credit,” Margot said. “Abigail, do you realize how huge this is? Master Wright’s theories could very well revolutionize how the academic world looks at magical research. More and more mages are looking to lithium instead of gemstones. You did that, not him.”

Abigail brought her hand over her mouth as she paced. “I know.”

“Abigail, that’s amazing,” Margot said. She laughed quietly. “You know, I wrote a paper arguing that researchers should take more consideration between the scientific and magical properties of the elements because I was inspired by how your father rejected the idea that gemstones were the quintessential medium for storing magic?”

“The paper Father used to adjust his safeguards?” Abigail asked.

“You know it?”

“I’ve…kept up with my father’s research. I was anxious to know how the mage’s conference would turn out.” She smiled shyly. “It was brilliantly written. My father’s one failing was that he wrote like an academic. I hated proofreading for him.”

“And you should be proud of your contributions to Master Wright’s research,” Margot countered. Then Abigail’s words sunk in. “Wait, you proofread your father’s papers?”

Abigail nodded hesitantly.

“Gods and goddess,” Margot breathed, the bottom dropping out of her stomach. Since starting this case the pedestal on which she’d placed Master Wright had severely cracked, but now it threatened to crumble entirely. “He never credited you, did he?”

“No one knew. Not even my family. Especially not my family,” Abigail said. Her eyes grew distant. “Separating Dessy and I had its intended effect, and we drifted apart during our school years. I hated keeping secrets from her, but I didn’t think she’d understand. Felix was so much older than us and absorbed in his own affairs…he and Father never saw eye to eye after he made it clear he wasn’t going to pursue his Mastery. Telling Mother was out of the question. She was still set on seeing me married.”

“But you kept helping him? Didn’t that seem odd?”

“I’ve been odd my entire life. At least I was doing something I enjoyed,” Abigail said. “Everything was fine until Dessy ran away from home.”

Abigail closed her eyes in a pained expression, and Margot said, “Felix told me that it was hard on you.”

“I knew she was going to do it. I wanted her to do it,” Abigail said. “She didn’t tell me when she was leaving, but it was only a matter of time, and I was happy for her. What I didn’t expect was Mother’s reaction. Dessy was hers like I was Father’s. They would spend hours together, especially after Dessy had left school. I think Mother had her life all planned out, not realizing it wasn’t what Dessy wanted. And when she left, Mother wanted her back.”

Abigail returned to her seat. “Father wanted her back, too, but only to avoid scandal. After years he’d finally found his breakthrough, there could be no more distractions. They would both do everything in their power to bring her home, and if they did I knew she would never have another chance at freedom. So I made Father stop.”

“How?” Margot said.

“Father was still teaching at the University then,” Abigail said. Her rigid posture slumped, and she scrubbed her face with her hands. When she looked up again she looked ten years older, and burdened by an incredible weight. “There had been…a story. That Father had used one of his student’s work for his own research without credit. I don’t know if it was true, and his friends at the university smothered the story before anything came of it. But I knew, and I told him if he didn’t let Desdemona go I would make sure everyone else knew, too.”

A tear slipped down her cheeks. “I wanted my sister to be happy, and she never would be at home. I could go my whole life without ever seeing her again and be content if I knew that she was happy.”

Abigail pulled out a handkerchief and blotted her eyes. “And in doing so I broke my father’s trust. He never forgave me for that, and Mother never forgave him for letting Dessy go. Father became paranoid that someone in the family would somehow ruin him, so he cut off Felix in hopes of curbing his exuberance and had no sympathy when his engagement fell apart because of it, which only enraged Mother more as it pushed Felix away from the family and robbed her of a potential daughter-in-law.

“Everyone was angry with everyone, and still I could have been content knowing that I helped Desdemona escape. I continued to work with Father, because I didn’t know what else to do. It was miserable, but I did it, and after a few rocky months life settled back into a routine.”

“You kept working with your father?” Margot asked. “He let you?”

“He had no one else,” Abigail said. “After I threatened to take the scandal public he resigned from the University. At home he knew where I was and what I was doing.”

“He could control you,” Margot said, disbelievingly.

“Father wanted so badly for his genius recognized that he thought that meant he had to do everything himself, but that’s impossible,” Abigail said. “Discovery doesn’t happen in a vacuum. He needed help, and he had me.”

She swallowed thickly. “Months passed. Felix moved out of the house, and one night Mother and Father left me alone to go to a charity dinner. I don’t know how she managed it, but Dessy must have known I would be by myself because she came back.”

“Desdemona came back to the house?” Margot said.

“To take me with her,” Abigail said. “She had found a place to live, gotten a job, and was saving money so she could travel the world. I can’t imagine how difficult it was going from our life of luxury to having nothing but the clothes on her back, but Dessy managed. That’s the kind of spirit she has.” She blew her nose, and laughed bitterly. “And she wanted to take me with her.”

“Why didn’t you go?” Margot asked.

“I knew I was too valuable for Father to lose,” Abigail said. “If I went with her he would surely track us down, and then what? I told her I was staying. She didn’t understand, because I had never told her. She had no idea what I had done. Any of it.”

She looked up at Margot, a picture of wretched misery. Her cheeks were splotchy red and eyes glassy from crying. “My sister and my father were the two people in my life who made me feel like I was a normal person instead of some kind of freak, and by the end of that night my father thought I had betrayed him for my sister and my sister thought I had betrayed her for my father. I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong or how to make it better. Mother tried to turn me into a replacement for Desdemona, but I couldn’t manage that either, and when Felix came home with a new fiancée I became an afterthought. Isabella was more sociable than I, and more malleable than Desdemona. She finally got the daughter she longed for for so long.”

“And you kept working for your father,” Margot said.

“I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t just leave, and magic was the only thing I’ve ever had any talent for. As time passed I started to hate it, and I started to hate myself.

“My lowest moment came five years after Dessy left. I had finished doing something for my father and went to his study to give it to him. He wasn’t in, so I tried to undo the charm that locked the door like I had one hundred times before. I couldn’t. My magic was gone.”

Until this time Margot had tried to the best of her ability not to let her horror show on her face, but at this she could not. It was a well-known fact that magic was an extension of will, a mage had to want a spell to succeed for it to work. To reach a point where there was no will to do something as simple as unlock a door was almost incomprehensible. Most mages considered their magic to be an essential part of themselves, an expression of their truest being. There was a reason why the color a person’s magic took was unique to them.

The amount of self-loathing it took to sever that connection was too terrible to contemplate. Margot felt like she was going to be sick.

“I just stood there for the longest time,” Abigail said. “I didn’t understand what had happened. I had been walking through a fog for as long as I could remember, it was almost impossible for anything to penetrate through. I think it was Isabella who found me. She asked what I was doing, and that’s when it hit me, all at once. My magic was gone. It was gone and it wasn’t coming back.

“I don’t remember what happened after that, exactly, but it caused enough of a commotion that my parents, brother, and the servants all rushed up to see what was the matter. I was hysterical, and there was nothing anyone could do to calm me down. A healer was called, but it was obvious that I wasn’t functioning. The loss of my magic snapped the one thread I had that was maintaining my façade of semi-normalcy. I was a danger to myself and others.”

Abigail took a deep shuddering breath at the memory, but did not continue. Cautiously, afraid of what she would hear, Margot asked, “What happened next?”

“Father had little choice, but honestly it was the best thing he could have done. As soon as I was well enough to travel he had me committed.”

“To an asylum?” Margot asked.

Abigail nodded. “I spent two years recovering. It was the hardest thing I’ve done in my entire life, but I was away from my family, and because of that I could heal. I know mental institutions have a bad reputation, and I won’t pretend that there weren’t terrible things that happened on the general ward, but Father paid for privacy and he paid for me to be treated. For that I’m thankful.”

“If not for Master Wright you wouldn’t have needed to be treated,” Margot said angrily.

“That’s what Dessy thinks,” Abigail said. “I don’t know how, but she found me there. By that time I’d been institutionalized for two years and was as recovered as I’ll ever be. We talked for hours about everything that had happened. I think it’s the only time I’ve made my sister cry.”

Margot felt the bile rise in her throat.

“A word to Father and I would have been released,” Abigail said. “I’d been judged incapable of making my own medical decisions, and as the one footing the bill he had the right to be in charge of my care. But that would mean going back, and I didn’t want to go back. I would have stayed in that hospital for my entire life before doing that.

“Dessy thought that was unacceptable, but legally there was nothing we could do. So it was decided that I would die at that hospital, and with Dessy and a detective by the name of Conan Westmacott that’s exactly what I did.”

“I saw your tombstone,” Margot said. “Your brother thinks you committed suicide.”

“And I would prefer it stay that way, Professor,” Abigail said. “I don’t know how many laws we’ve broken getting me this far, but my family already thinks I’m insane. If they were to find out I don’t doubt they would have me recommitted, and without Father’s kindness I might not end up in a private bed.”

“Your father has been anything but kind to you, Abigail,” Margot said, more harshly than she intended. It took a enormous effort of will not to start yelling. What Master Wright had done was despicable, and the only ones who knew were forced to keep their mouth’s shut.

You witnessed the death of a generational talent.

The words of Professor Graves, spoken not that long ago, shook Margot to the core. Through the manipulation and abuse of his family Master Wright had succeeded in keeping his reputation lily white. The world mourned his loss, seeing his death as a brilliant mind gone too soon.

Margot was beginning to understand why Felix Wright drank.

Abigail laughed, a sad, quiet little laugh. “I wish you could see the look on your face, Professor. You look just like Dessy. Just thinking of Father makes her furious.”

“And you don’t?”

“I told you at the beginning, Professor, I wish I could be angry. I know what my father did was wrong, and that I should be angry. But I can’t.” She hung her head. “I love my father, and sometimes I’m ashamed of myself for it, but it’s not something I can help. Do you know what hurts more than anything?”

“What?” Margot asked, half-fearing what she would hear.

“In the two years I spent at that asylum he didn’t visit me, not even once. If there was one thing I wish I could ask him, it would be why.” More tears spilled down her cheeks.

“But I know the answer. I just wished it wasn’t true.”

#creative-type writes #daughter of the lilies #daughter of the lilies fanfiction #dotl fanfiction #margot

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infinitepurity · 5 years

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Life

So basically I’m gonna explain everything that’s happened.

Mental health has always been an issue in my life. I’ve struggled from it for years but it finally came to a head when I met my ex-boyfriend. I was at the lowest point in my life and was looking to have anything bring my life up. He and I were both very mentally ill and in denial of our respective illnesses. We had our bumps in the road throughout our relationship and it was very unhealthy. I talked it over with him multiple times and tried to reason that it would be healthier to break things off.

In September, the 3rd semester of college, I was having a mental breakdown. I couldn’t handle being alone and I was completely isolated from everyone and from my friends and I wasn’t eating or taking care of myself. I was hospitalized for a night after Campus Police was called on me for concerns. I asked my parents to drive me home and they took me to Children’s Hospital as I was 17. They recommended me medications and my primary care physician put me on Zoloft and Metropolol for depression and anxiety. I went back to school and the whole time I’ve been considering overdosing. I was cutting and it was just bad.

Swing to my birthday on September 27th, I filled out the official paperwork to withdraw. This wasn’t as impulse of a decision as I make it out to be. I was seeing a therapist on campus and was working with the Assistant Dean of Students and my advisors in the school of engineering. They all advised me to take a break from school or decrease my courseload. As an engineering student, decreasing the courseload was impossible because all of my classes were co-requisites. So I took matters into my own hands after being advised and I filled out medical withdrawal papers. The Assistant Dean of Students was like I wish there was more I could do to help you as you look like you’ve given up and you have no hope.

Now, this was an impossible decision for me because school has been my only successful portion of my life and giving that up willingly was terrifying. I gave it up though. By Oct 3rd I was home and withdrawn. All the while this ex-boyfriend was filling my head with the idea that he was going to take care of me and help me out. He even suggested getting married. And at this point, I was so unstable and out of it that I agreed. We went to Dayton to get the rest of my stuff and turn in my keys and we drove to the courthouse and filled out a marriage license. My family still didn’t know I was home and I showed up to the house with a marriage license. That didn’t go well.

My parents were out of town and were out of the loop and when the confrontation started when they came home I was ready to throw the towel in. I had previously stolen medication from my mom; she’s prescribed Xanax. So in total I had leftover Zoloft, my new rx Lexapro, Metropolol, and Xanax. I had a bottle of Zoloft, Lexapro, and Metropolol and half of Xanax. My parents came home on their flight, we fought and I went upstairs and overdosed. I fell asleep on my bed and then my parents came up to get me to dinner and we went out to dinner. I don’t remember anything. When we got home I passed out on the couch and then my parents were asking me what I did and I pointed to the pill bottles and then I was in the hospital. Apparently, I was screaming in the ICU how I was gonna keep trying until I was successful. I spent 3 days in the ICU and my heart almost stopped.

To this day, I still have permanent heart damage. I signed myself into a mental institution and I was transported 3 days later. My ex-boyfriend was in the waiting room when I showed up and we were separated because we knew each other and I was put onto the addiction/schizophrenia floor. I was terrified out of my mind, coming down with withdrawals and I was losing my mind. The psychiatrist admitted that none of my stay with the schizophrenics and addicts was in any way helpful or productive on my recovery. I was there for 9 days. Then I was sent to court for a 60 day hold into the state hospital. I know have that on my record. I was at the state hospital for 8 days. I got out on Halloween.

I switched meds to Prozac and Zyprexa. I went home and worked with police social workers to get through this. I was about to start a new therapist and I had enough of my parents and hit the road. The police picked me up and because they had been working with me they let my parents choose the hospital i was going to and they moved me to Ohio (I lived in KY.) I was in that hospital for 7 days. My ex-boyfriend all the while was promising to pick me up from the hospital and getting me away from my awful parents. But as most things in our relationships, it fell through.

I was released from the hospital to my mom and she put me in a hotel room because she wanted nothing to do with me. So I called my friends and begged for help. My friend from high school said her mom would take me in. I lived with her for a month. She took care of me, fed me, housed me, babied me, and loved me. She gave me so much life advice and so much love I’ll never forget it. I spent all of November until right before Christmas with her. I went home to my parents’ for Christmas.

All the while my ex had attempted suicide and I was talking to him and was trying to talk him out of it. He wasn’t listening and ended up hospsitalized with over 100 cuts to one arm. And his parents filed a protective order against me saying that I was the cause behind his issues. And the court gives victim’s the benefit of the doubt and I was court ordered to stay away from him and no communications which wasn’t a problem for me, but he was stalking me. He was making fake phone numbers to text me and call me. He was leaving me voicemails while he was in the hospital. He was skype messaging me and skype calling me. He wouldn’t leave me alone and his mom was all but harassing me as well to the point I was fearful for my life and wellbeing and I got a lawyer who got the case closed due to insufficient evidence against me. But I was terrified out of my mind worried one of them was gonna get me thrown in jail or worse. But things slowly made it upwards.

I made it to February. I had a new job and everything and it was going well but my parents were too much. I overdosed again and was in the hospital for 3 days. I got threatened to be kicked out when I came back home and I had to find a job stat, but finding jobs is actually hard and it takes forever for employers to get back. I managed to convince them to let me stay, and eventually, I was kicked out for staying out with a friend too late. I spent that night wondering the streets and freezing. I went to the library and posted on Facebook and begged for help or anyone’s floor to crash on.

My friend from high school saved me from spending the night in a homeless shelter. She picked me up and immediately fed me and took me home and her mom and her tried to reason with my parents to give me my medications. At this point I was on Cymbalta, Lithium, Latuda, Ativan. They were refusing to give it to me and were very rude to both my friend and her mom. I called my friend from Indianapolis and asked if he would help me. I moved up there with him.

For two weeks I lived on his floor and worked for a hotel cleaning rooms.My dad agreed to let me back on the premise that I’d be moving out within two weeks and that’s what happened. I found a place on my own in Cincinnati, OH and I paid rent and my deposit and moved out. Since then it’s been smooth sailing. I feel so good and happy and I have a new job and I’m away from my parents and siblings and I am thriving. I might be bored and lonely but I’m so thankful for life and everything that’s going on. I’m so grateful for the second chance I’ve been given and the life that I can live and I just wanted to get all of this out there somewhere.

I’m officially diagnosed with an eating disorder, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder and ADD.

But anyway if anyone reads this, I hope you’re doing well and are getting to a better place in your life and a happier life and things do get better.

#suicide #trigger warning #tw: suicide #tw: cutting #tw: mental illness #tw: eating disorder #tw: bipolar disorder #tw: anxiety

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broadhurstblog-blog · 5 years

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A rough draft/timeline...

Once upon a time, I was a quiet child, who excelled in sports and could string together good sentences every now and again.

I received a certificate at the end of my first year in a boy’s secondary school in East Hertfordshire, by my departing English teacher called Ms Prole. It was certified that I was ‘Most Daydreaming Pupil.’

I was a child who lived inside his imagination, thought deeply about things. I had a fair amount of friends, most of them being at least two years older than me.

We would break into old bomb shelters, explore hard, found a small woods that contained concrete bunkers, and convinced ourselves we had discovered a secret, disused American airbases. I would go on long bike rides, often finding great secluded bodies of water that contained hard to catch fish. I played for a local bottom of the league football team, on often flooded fields that used to be paddocks.

Then something changed.My granddad died when I was twelve.Losing a wonderfully wise man whose wisdom I took for granted, well, it hit me really hard.My thoughts seemed to constantly focus on death.Over the course of the next year or so, my behaviour changed drastically, I became extremely undisciplined, argumentative, I got suspended from school on several occasions.With the help of an Educational Officer – psychiatrists and psychologists took an interest in me.After a few sessions with various medical professionals, my parents were informed with confidence that I had a condition called manic depression and that it was caused by a chemical imbalance/ deficiency of a salt in my brain.After being sure that my heart, kidney or liver was free from defects, I was prescribed Lithium Carbonate.

I took the medication most days between the ages of 14 and 18.

At first, my behaviour did not improve, and it was decided that I should spend time in an adolescent unit of the psychiatric wing of a hospital near St. Albans.

It was a very strange place, most of the resident children there were unwanted orphans I seem to remember.

A lot of the nurses were very heavy-handed in their restraint techniques, and doctors loved nothing more than to sedate those of us not willing to take part in various group activities.

The heavy-handed ways, the use of an exclusion room and the sedation syrup, for even the smallest of infractions – it makes me question the ethics and morals of some of the staff, but nothing I was privy to was against the law as far as I can tell. (There has been stories in the news recently about the police investigating historic abuse allegations, I can’t testify to being abused, but it certainly wasn’t the holiday camp that the staff tried to portray to my parents. Maybe the memories of that place would have been a lot worse without a father and mother looking out for me).

After a couple of months I was back to school.

I was the shadow of my former daydreaming self, but I no longer displayed as much unruly behaviour.

I had lost virtually all my friends, I was increasingly paranoid, socially withdrawn.

I was behind in my school work, and I wasn’t able to catch up.

By the time I was 15 I had the choice of resitting the year or joining another school out of the area 18 miles away, to be in the fourth form where nobody knew me.

So I opted to leave a pretty decent boys-only comp with a Christian ethos, to go to a mixed comp that used to be a grammar school, but which had become a third-rate egalitarian mess.

It is safe to say that I did not respond well to the lowering of educational standards. By the final term of my second attempt at being a fourth form pupil, I was ‘asked to leave’.

I left the school at the age of 16, without any experience of the fifth form. I went to the regional college for two years and completed a couple of NVQ modules in I.T.

I spent most of my college time in the library or playing basketball in the gym.

The point here is that I am not convinced I was mentally ill.

Maybe I was, but I do not think that medication/psychiatric treatment helped me.

The major thing that helped me become a less self-destructive force was *time*.

The death of a close family member really haunted my mind, and I did not know how to deal with it.

My childish poetry turned dark and very cryptic, unfortunately, the caring adults in my life who were interpreting my private words without my permission, they were totally off the mark in concluding that my prose was a sign of me being suicidal. I was certainly crying out for help, but my words were actually full of fear about death, not a single syllable expressed a desire to die.

I wasn’t sleeping much, and prolonged lack of sleep can affect behaviour a lot,

I stopped playing football,

I stooped going on adventures,

I stopped daydreaming.

Lack of exercise can cause serious problems, especially in a child who was once very active.

Add puberty to the mix. . .

I do not think Lithium was the answer to whatever was happening. And how did the medication affect the development of my fragile brain?

I guess that question is impossible for me to ever answer.

I was lucky to have a good family GP who was close to retirement, a doctor from an older generation who was in agreement with me that I would be better off without medication.

As soon as I was eighteen he helped me gradually decrease my doses until I was on the medication no more.

I lacked a lot of confidence, but had no problem finding work with the occasional kick up the backside from my father.

After running into a few dead ends, I eventually became a cellarman/barman in an unusually well run small family pub that was slightly off the beaten track.

In my mid-twenties I moved to Manchester with my licensee certificate in hand, but instead of running a pub, I ended up working in a mind-numbing call centre on behalf of a royal Scottish bank.

By the age of 30, I was a homeowner.

On paper, things seemed good. I heard from a reliable source that my parents were proud of me.

I was unhappy. The relationship with my supposed future wife was on the rocks. I was tired of being a battery chicken trying to get people into debt. I was drinking too much. I had put on a lot of weight. I think I might have been slightly depressed.

Then one evening there was a TV show on, presented by Stephen Fry, it was about living with Bipolar Disorder (The new name for manic depression.)

I think it was on at about the same time that the disability discrimination act came into force.

I was struggling with timekeeping and discipline at work.

Home life was not happy. I was a little drunk and somehow became convinced it was a good idea to talk about my ‘mental health history’ with my partner, and to my manager at work the next day.

Things went downhill very quickly from there.

I went to a doctor, got referred to a psychiatrist.

After a 30 minute consultation, it was decided that I had a mild version of ‘Bipolar II’ And Lithium Carbonate was being prescribed to me. It didn’t agree with me, and I abruptly stopped taking it. Bad idea.

I was a mess. After about 2 years I had split with my partner, mindlessly took my name off the mortgage agreement. I struggled to stay in regular work because of my erratic self-destructive behaviour. I was on benefits for a couple of years.

Eventually, I got a job as an assistant manager, in a betting shop of all places. It was an interesting few years, but working for a morally challenged employer can eventually take its toll on one’s spirit.

This is when I ‘gave up’. I would get a sick note from my local medical centre once a month, claiming I was depressed, etc.I started claiming Employment Support Allowance and Housing Benefit because of my supposed ‘disability.’.The money was more than enough to exist on as part of a house share in a diverse student area in south-central Manchester. At some point a cannabis smoker moved into the house I was barely existing in.It didn’t become long before an occasional toke turned into a regular habit. It took a year or so, but I eventually became undoubtedly mentally ill. I was not self medicating, I smoked weed because I enjoyed smoking it, I loved getting ‘high.’

My behavior gradually started changing for the worse over the course of about half a year. I went to doctors complaining of anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia etc. I told them about my cannabis habit too. The young funky doctor referred me to a young hip psychiatrist, who after 5 minutes of questions, decided that Quetiapine may be the answer to my woes. I wasn’t getting any better, and I gradually stopped taking the medication. I started smoking cannabis again.

I was under the influence of what I’ll call acute mania not long after reading ‘The Cameron Delusion.’ I am fortunate that was the last book I read before I became undeniably mentally ill.

At the height of my illness, it was like I was inside a vivid daydream like I was fast asleep and wide awake at the same time. It is hard to explain. I was aware I was ill though, I sought help. It was eventually decided I should be sectioned, and I disagreed, so a bunch of health workers accompanied by police officers came to my front door. One policeman with impeccable customer service skills informed me I would have to be restrained with cuffs for my own safety, and I was escorted into the back of a police van. The police chauffeured me to the hospital, where I became a reluctant resident/client in a locked ward for about 6 or 7 weeks.

I was forced to take a cocktail of 4 mind-altering drugs on a daily basis. A psychiatrist would see me for about five minutes, once a week. I was told after the sixth or seventh short consultation that I could be released under the condition that I carried on taking the drugs. A social worker visited me on two occasions in the two months after my release from the hospital. Assured I was taking the medication, the visits stopped. I didn’t mention to the social worker that I was gradually lowering the doses I was taking. Within days of the last visit, I had eventually weened myself of the medication completely. It took several months, but eventually, I got a job.

And I have been well, in full-time employment for about a year now, without any problems.

I don’t use cannabis anymore either of course.

And I haven’t knowingly talked to a doctor since my time in the hospital.Mind-altering drugs just do not agree with me.

#mental health #psychiatry #nhs #cannabis #lithium

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rkay-4 · 2 years

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Emotion Reg.. meh, how do I manage my emotions? I have been trained to ignore them… I don’t mean just bottle them up, I mean pack those babies up, and put them on the shelf in the cellar to never be touched again. But…

Let me mention other ways I regulated my emotions growing up.

Unsuccessful ways:

I screamed til a speech therapist said I would never talk or sing again,

I tried going mute, (didn’t work long)

I would bite myself when I didn’t want to visit my mom’s house,

I spaced out in class- taking myself to safer places,

and I took my anger out on my younger siblings.

Other examples:

I would hid in the public library from after school until it closed reading, (the librarian was so good to me)

I would stay with friends, I would babysit, I would volunteer, and staying busy usually kept me safe.

Unfortunately, On my way to the pool, I got invited inside a house by some older teens and adults, only for everyone to vanish except one guy. I wanted to leave, but arguing and begging didn’t work. It was clearly a set up, and fighting was not really working. So I traced an outline of an apple on a box in the closet with my eyes over and over and over again until my rapist gave up raping me. I told myself repeatedly I would get out of there if I stayed calm. I put myself in a little trance without even knowing it.

I drank at a Spring Break party the following year, he was there. His friends were there. I got home and my parents called the cops on me and grounded me to my room. I attempted suicide 3 days later because they told me I was going to be my like my mom. I couldn’t cope with my emotions because she had hurt me so much. I didn’t want to ever hurt anyone the way I had been hurt.

Still no one really talked to me. The hospital nurses told me I was selfish and an ungrateful child for hurting my family, the staff at the mental health facility weren’t much nicer, but I eventually talked enough to get out of there. Returned to my small town school where they had an assembly to educate the students and staff about suicide and bullying. Most avoided it directly, but the whispers and tension did not welcome me back. But I tried to fit in.

Lithium didn’t fix me. I wasn’t bi-polar, I had some maniac-depressive symptoms, but no diagnosis of childhood PTSD, it was put in the DSM in the 80’s. So why did my circumstances not lead them to rescue me from abusive neglectful parents. The saga continued until a therapist told my mother that I needed a new home, my mom had to change, or she would have SRS take me. My mom did not handle this well, burned my photos, drank some more, and promptly booted me.

Where I learned to trust a little, cook, clean, care, be more responsible, stayed active in church, school, work, and made new friends and family… about 18 more times. I lost count at some point. I lived where people allowed. Sometimes they told me my time was up, sometimes I left on my own, but I committing that I would try very very very hard to take the good, and when I would leave, leave the bad behind. I started to grow. I tried to follow the motto, junk in, junk out. I surrounded myself with the best choices I had, I stayed in school, I kept a job, I helped others, but emotion reg? I was functioning the best I could coming from never learning those skills at home or school. I would observe others and mirror behaviors I thought were ok.

Fast forward 20 years, I still struggle, but I am surrounded by knowledge, and with knowledge, power.

I try to allow myself to take in my surroundings, recognize my emotions, and feel them. Sometimes they don’t seem to match the scenario or how others think I should be feeling or responding.

Some of my Adulting Hacks

A- Affirmations

B- baths and being silly

C- combing hair

D- doodling

E- eating, healthy, of course 🤦‍♀️

F- friends, family, fun, food

G- make goals

H- have ears that hear, open my heart

I- act with Integrity

J- Jesus

K- knitting

L- love myself - in thoughts, words, and action

M- all the mom things

N- note my triggers

O- observe my surroundings and others

P- pay people to help

Q- be a Queen

R- rest, relaxation

S- sleep

T- travel

U- seek to understand

V- share my voice

W- write

X- eXes are still human

Y- yesterday is over

Z- zebras aren’t that friendly, and yes, I know from personal experience.

#trauma healing #journey22 #coping skills #adulting #save a life #learn new skills #be in the moment #be silly #healthier #happier #healing

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heartsofstrangers · 7 years

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What has been one of the most challenging things that you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“I think one of the most challenging things was learning how to feel again after I had gone through so much trauma. I ended up actually disassociating as a means of survival; and so trying to have normal relationships with people after the fact, including my daughter, who is my favorite human being ever, but the truth is I didn’t plan to be a parent. I was trying to leave, but I didn’t have a say over that. Yeah, so being authentic and honoring my feelings in making decisions and who I am including in my life. And where I am going to go from here. I really had to work very, very hard at trusting myself again, and really even knowing what I was feeling in the moment at all.”

Tell me about some of these traumas, if you’re comfortable.

“I wasn’t allowed to take birth control pills, nor was I allowed to not have sex when I didn’t want to, it didn’t matter. So I very quickly got pregnant by my ex-husband, but he did not stop beating me, so I had a miscarriage, then I had another and he told me that it was my fault because I wasn’t strong enough to carry a child. I was pregnant a third time with my daughter who I have now, and I saved her by wedging my stomach in the corner of two walls every time he hit me, so he only hit me from behind and not the front. After the second miscarriage he was drinking and using drugs a lot more so one night I came home and—I don’t know where he came from, if he was walking or where he came out of, but he was walking and it was dark outside. I didn’t see him until it was too late. He didn’t say anything, which was strange. I didn’t even know if he was angry, I couldn’t assess his demeanor. But he just walked up to me and lifted up his arm; he had a gun, and he shot at me one time and, fortunately, he missed. So, doing the work that I do now in domestic violence, it’s really, really hard. Sometimes I just go home and cry, because for a while I had survivor’s guilt. I heard about certain women who were shot to death and I thought, well, it’s not fair that they’re dead. How did I make it and why? So, for a while I went through that too. Like I said, I did not have much of a choice about having a child, but she’s the reason why I left, because I had her.

“And I had a really hard childhood. My parents were alcoholics and addicts, so I was a parentified child by the age of nine. I was cooking and cleaning to take care of my sisters. My dad’s friend was molesting me. So I tried to make sure that he stayed away from my sisters, and as adults I have asked them if they were okay, and they told me they were okay, so I am happy that I did my job. At least I thought that was my job at the time. I learned to disassociate way back then, and now that I remember being molested. I would imagine myself as this tiny little person in the corner of the ceiling and I would have my back turned to whatever was happening to me. So you learn how to get through these things by not feeling anymore. How could you? Now as an adult I am teaching myself how to feel for the first time, and know that it’s okay to not want something, and that it actually is my choice.”

What was your relationship like with your parents, being in that environment?

“I didn’t see them an awful lot. My dad worked as a mechanic during the day, then he would work at night in our garage, so he would be physically at our address, but not in our house. So I did not see him. My mom was home during the day, but I was in school. She waitressed in the evenings, so she was gone. My dad being there, there was an adult, but in the house I was the oldest, so my relationship with them was that in a way I think I was taking care of them too. Even through my parents’ divorce, I chose to stay with my dad. When I was thirteen, I was doing laundry, I was cooking meals, so when he came home there was food. Even before that, when my parents would argue, I would stand up for my mom, who at the time was very weak. I don’t want to judge her, but she was in a different place. So I don’t know that I had a real child relationship with them. I don’t even think that I had a normal relationship with my sisters. So when we were separated, when I chose to stay with my dad, I felt like I was losing my kids. That was a very skewed way of thinking for a thirteen-year-old. I was the one taking care of them.”

What was the transition like from your getting out of that household and moving on from playing the parental role to both your parents and your sisters, to moving into your first relationship?

“That’s a good question. I left my home right after high school. I was accepted to Berklee College of Music in Boston for singing. That is what I wanted to do, I wanted to be a singer. That was my out. That was my expression. I love music, I love singing, and I left my sisters. I didn’t know at the time that they needed me more than I realized, so there was a bit of resentment for my leaving. When I did leave, I began to remember having been molested. So, I didn’t even know at the time, it wasn’t present in my mind and it happened over the span of years, up until I was thirteen years old. I went away and I was doing well at first, then I started getting these flashbacks and memories and dreams, and I began to get depressed. I slept more, and I isolated. I didn’t tell my friends. I didn’t tell my family. I started messing up in school, which I had never done my whole life. My parents thought I was screwing up, so they left me in Boston with my stuff, and this guy I was dating over the summer had to come get me because they kicked me out. You can’t leave your stuff there. They turned their backs on me. I was living with this guy, which wasn’t great. I was waitressing at the time, and I felt like I failed myself. My entire dream was handed to me, and I couldn’t live up to it, and no one knew why—except me, but I didn’t say anything at the time. They thought I was depressed, and they put me on all kinds of antidepressant medications. For five years I was on every kind of Seroquel Lamictal, Neurontin, Zyprexa, Celexa, up until they had me on 1500 mg of lithium a day, and I couldn’t even go grocery shopping by myself. I had gained so much weight because of the medication and the fact that I didn’t do anything, because I couldn’t. I still feel as if I have wasted five years of my life in this haze, when they just could have loved me through it, instead of just throwing pills at me. Anyway, I tried to kill myself twice, but after the medication, I think that was why I tried. It wasn’t until they started giving me all of this different stuff and a lot of them, that’s the side effect, but they didn’t know at the time. I lived, but I will never forget having my stomach pumped in the emergency room, and my mom being there and me begging her to make them let me die. She had to leave. The doctors didn’t stop. That’s not their job. And now I am grateful. Before I was angry they kept me alive, but now I’m not.

“So actually I stopped taking all of the meds when my now ex-husband got me pregnant for the first time, and I stopped cold turkey. They told me to never stop taking my meds, that I would not function without them, and I believed that. I had doctors telling me I would never work a normal job. And that’s crazy to think about. How do you second guess them? Of course I didn’t know any better, but they were wrong.”

Do you think it’s possible that rather than being smothered with medication and labeled as not being able to participate in society, what you really needed was space and time to heal and work through the trauma in a safe and comfortable way, and maybe built on a foundation of unconditional love?

“I definitely think that never was available to me, and I worked really hard at realizing my parents are fallible human beings. I used to wish that they were exactly what I needed them to be, and they couldn’t they—they just couldn’t. They weren’t there. It helped me learn that, because I am a parent now so I hope that I am doing the best that I can and I think that I am. But you never know, we just do our best. And at the time, I guess that was their best.”

What was their reaction? Did you have a conversation with them at some point and tell them what was causing all this suffering and pain in your life, and the reason for these other symptoms?

“I did. I talked to my mom, and she is in a very different place in her life now. She is clean and sober twenty years, a long time. So now she is in a position to help others and be a support in that way. She apologized to me, and it was a heartfelt conversation that she was able to be present for, and I am grateful for that. My dad, he’s not really there. Actually, I started having these memories, but I couldn’t remember who the person was, I could not, up until about eight months ago. I went to a hypnotist and did real hard work, real tough work that leaves you raw, and I figured it out that way. Because I wanted to know for me. And I was able to tell my dad, because it was one of his friends and he is in denial. He still brings up that guy’s name to me like it never happened. He’ll talk to me about him. He’ll bring up his name to me and tell me he did this, he’s this, like it never happened. That is painful, and I have told him off in my mind about it a couple of times. But not out loud. We’ll see if that ever happens.”

It seems like there must have been a fair amount of forgiving your parents. You mentioned getting to a place where you realized they are human, infallible, and maybe were doing the best they could at that time, which, I assume, led you to a place of forgiving them so you could continue to move forward with your healing. What did that look like for you?

“It’s not an easy place to get to, especially if you think your parents owe you one thing or another—a safe life, a happy life, a healthy life, any of the above. I really had to dig deep. I did a lot of therapy, and in the end it helped me to do energy healing. I came to the realization that holding onto resentment really was inhibiting me and not them. That is a simple enough concept, but to live it out in a situation like this is hard. And you have to work at it. Sometimes every day. It looked like a lot of tears and a lot of forgiving myself too. Because I got stuck and I blamed myself for not finishing school and getting into this abusive marriage: ‘How couldn’t I know?’ and ‘Why wasn’t I smart enough?’ and all this other stuff. I was judging myself when really I was just doing my best too. You know? And I was carrying this pain around like the heaviest weight, thinking, why can’t you run a marathon? Well, I had to drop that at some point, because I wanted to go farther than I had. I couldn’t carry that anymore. I didn’t even want to. It did not serve me anymore. And I thought at one point by letting it go, it was like it didn’t happen and it didn’t matter. And it didn’t change my life forever, and at the same time it did change my life forever. But it doesn’t mean I am stuck or I am not worthwhile, or I am a failure. I mean, I went through all of that and I am still here. That’s my victory, and I have this amazing little person who calls me Mommy, and she is my favorite human being. I didn’t mean to have her, but I didn’t know at the time that I needed her as badly as I do. It’s just the two of us, and that’s cool. I think another part of the healing is being able to give her stuff that I never had. I wanted someone to protect me; I walked around like this wounded little girl for so long, and I was looking to other people to stand up for me because I wasn’t doing it for myself. I actually wanted a boy, because I imagined him growing old enough to stand up to his father for me. How sick is that? To pass that onto my son. I had a girl. And I looked at her and said, ‘It’s just us.’ So now it’s up to me.”

How do you think those experiences shaped who you are today?

“I think they had everything to do with who I am today. I know I am an extremely resilient person, and I know that from my own example. That is the reason why I don’t look at my limitations, I look at everything as a hurdle, but not insurmountable. I look back and say, ‘Well, I lived through that. This is not a big deal.’ Even public speaking and trying to help people through, there are times when I am having conversations with people that I will never meet, I will never know these specifics about them and I will help them for hours just try to survive. I don’t think I could have ever been that person if I had not gone through what I went through myself.”

Did you think maybe, at the time when some of these traumas were starting to surface and you were starting to recognize the pain and the impact it was having on your life, that there was some alternative way around it, or that you could bypass it all together? I think some of us, when something is painful or it makes us uncomfortable, we’ll tuck it under the rug and it will go away, you know? That is not necessarily true.

“It’s definitely not true. It’s so funny you ask that, because I remember people who know me well, I’m a Capricorn, so I’m like, let’s get down to brass tacks. You know? And I sat down in a session with one of my counselors who happened to be new and I said. ‘Look, I wrote down a list of things I needed to heal from, process, and work through.’ I put it on her desk and said, ‘Here are the things I need to do, and I don’t have much time to do them, so could we get on with this?’ [laughing] She just looked at me as if to say, ‘This is not really how this works.’ I definitely did. I have to constantly surrender to the process. It’s different for every single person, because we are all very different individuals. It’s changed over time. At times it was church and faith, and now it’s more of a universal energy and my own personal power. And that’s okay. The things that work for us for a season may not work for us for the duration. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that what worked before doesn’t work at all, it just means that I’ve taken what I can from this and I’m moving forward to do the same thing with something else. There are so many different ways of healing: meditation, yoga, praying, nature, family, cooking, exercise, art. The list can go on forever. So I think that it’s almost like this collage. Your own personal healing collage. Mine has changed a lot. But I kind of like that. It means I’m changing.”

When you look back, can you see areas where the healing process was already in effect and may have not known it yet?

“Yeah, I can. Even in my marriage, the attempts at reclaiming my control. Not always doing what he said, or it’s the tiniest little thing. I used to go to the grocery store and he would be screaming when I got back because, ‘Why did you take so long?’ He always looked at the receipt and check the time I checked out, and always checked the name of the person who did. And if it was a male, he would lose it. ‘Why did you have to go in that line? You were talking to him, weren’t you? Did you flirt with him?’ Or whatever. I would always have to try to get a female checkout person, and then I would have to get straight home. I couldn’t stop and get gas or get a burger. I had to go straight home, and that was grocery shopping. Which is this mundane little activity that you never think of, but it was like this for every single thing. I used to crumple up my receipt and throw it out of the window. I hate littering, but it was symbolic for me. I crumpled it up and I let it fly away, which was a problem, and I didn’t care. Because I knew it would be. My little tiny rebellions.”

It sounds like there was something growing inside of you, sort of this acknowledgment that “I don’t belong in this cage, I need to be free. I’m coming out.”

“It’s so interesting that you use the word ‘cage.’ Because it was like being locked in an open cage. You’re so scared to walk out, you don’t even try. It’s like mice in an experiment. You are so scared that the cage door could be left open all night, and you would stay in there. And that’s how I was. I could leave. I had a car. I went to work. I could call someone and do something. They convince you that they will hurt you, they will hurt your family, they will never leave you alone and you are not worth it, no one else is going to love you. You should take what you get from them. And I believed that. That was the best that I could do, and I’m lucky to have him.”

It sounds as if a lot of what keeps people in that cage is not only fear, but your own sense of worthiness. And if you don’t have a sense of worthiness, and you’re believing that you do not deserve the freedom, the love, the independence, a loving partner, then you’ll stay.

“You will. They systematically strip you of your humanness and your self-worth to the point where my name could have been on my license on my birth certificate as ‘stupid bitch.’ And he never called me by my real name, and that’s one way just to make a person feel less than. Another thing was haircuts. He would come to the hairdresser with me, and he would tell her how to cut my hair. I couldn’t do that myself. It would always be to make me look not pretty. He wanted my hair short. He wanted me look a certain way. Another thing was I could not pick out my clothes. They were always supposed to be baggy; they were always supposed to be what he picked. I had some clothes in a drawer, and one time when I came home, they were cut with scissors with bleach all over them and the cat litter box dumped on top. And that’s what you get when you try to wear your own clothes.”

Wow. So what is the tape in your head now? What is the voice? Is it still ‘stupid bitch’ or what is it now?

“No, that’s not it at all. It’s really quite the opposite actually. The tape in my head is, well lately I’ve been taking these self-checks, because I’ve been working the hardest on identifying my true feelings in the moment and honoring them. So my mantra is, ‘How does this feel? What do you want?’ Two very simple questions that I am sure most people don’t walk around asking themselves. Because, you sort of do what you are supposed to do. You walk here, you do this, you dress this way, and we have these things that are ingrained in us. My new thing is just being authentically myself, whatever that looks like, and not caring if I look goofy or silly, because those are other people’s judgments of me, not mine.”

I love that, yeah. You definitely have to journey through a lot of vulnerability and willingness to be vulnerable, which takes a lot of courage to get to a place where you are willing to be authentic and not care what the spectators are going to say or how they feel about you. You know that because you have done work within yourself, it doesn’t matter what anyone else things about you. Your worth is not based on their opinions, it’s based on how you feel about yourself. That is a wonderful place to get to, and I don’t think that’s an easy journey. And I don’t think that once you get there, it’s guaranteed that you stay there. I would imagine from my own experience that it takes daily practice to remain in that space.

“It does. I have days where I’m like, I don’t want to. I mean, we are adults and we have jobs and we have these responsible things that we may say, ‘I don’t want to do this or it doesn’t feel right.’ Even if that’s the case, I can examine that, I can notice that, I can arm myself with that knowledge. ‘I don’t want to do this and I am not going to do this.’ And if that’s going to work in making your paycheck, you’re going to need that. I’m a mom, I can’t just not. But I can examine it and say, ‘Okay, what are you going to do about it?’ And that makes you take that next step. So, what’s your action? What are you going to change? How are you going to change this? We have a tendency to follow our habits and these behaviors that are sort of inherent in us. We can at any point switch that up; all it takes is a decision. Well, first you have to notice. Then you have to decide, and it is usually uncomfortable. But that’s cool too. Because it’s different. None of this whole process was easy or comfortable. A lot of times, I had to consciously say, ‘This sucks, I hate it, but I have to do it, so I’m going to sit in this discomfort, because it is going to help me in the end.’ It’s an investment in yourself. It’s like re-breaking your bone to grow it back right. That is not a comfortable process.”

It sounds like a beneficial one, no?

“Definitely. I don’t regret any of it actually, which is a nice place to be too. It has a lot to do with forgiving myself. I’m not a screw-up, it was not an accident. It all happens for a reason, and you can look at it with the attitude of ‘this happened, I’m going to make the best of it.’ ‘The best of it’ is almost limitless, actually. It’s really your potential to see how far you can take it. Some people are just happy to heal, and that’s perfectly fine and wonderful. I just happen to be someone who wants to go bigger. I share this painful stuff and I want people to know that they are not alone.”

That’s huge.

“Yeah, thanks.”

I feel that it’s our responsibility, having gone through difficult times and finding our way and getting back to light and to safety, not to forget about the people who are still trapped in the well. To offer them a ladder, to offer them some help or some slack. It’s really amazing that you have moved through your healing and your journey, and that you are in a place where you are sharing your story and offering help to others who are still stuck in that situation. There are many men and women who are stuck in abusive relationships and stuck in that place of “I’m in a cage, the door is not locked, but I’m too afraid to push it,” which is scary; and I think some people spend their entire lives being stuck in that cycle. As you share your story with me today, and on a platform you have created outside of this, you have given people an opportunity to see hope—there is light, there is hope. I know what you are doing outside of this interview, but for the purpose of the interview, why don’t you share where this path has lead you and what you are doing?

“Okay. This actually started with a poem for a class I was taking in college and that I had shared with someone. Well, first I was volunteering at the Prudence Crandall Center in New Britain. I took over the support group I had been attending for four years, and that is how I began being a DV counselor. I happened to send this poem to someone who picked it up and sent it along and they were like, ‘Geez, this is great. Can we use it? Can you say it somewhere?’ And so I said sure. They said, ‘Would you mind being in this short film for the Prudence Crandall Center?’ and I said, sure. Then I was asked to speak on behalf of the Prudence Crandall Center, then I was asked to speak at a second event about my experience there. It was like every speech I did, someone would ask me to do another. I was looking for a professional email because I wanted to make a business card. I was thinking of things I wanted to say, and ‘Sarah speaks up’ is what I decided on. Sarah Speaks Up is now my non-profit organization that I started, because I wanted to really encourage and empower people by my example, and from that sprang some ideas that I had. How can I help people speak up, really speak up? In the meantime, I had a parole hearing for my ex-husband, which was the second one I had been to, so I knew what to expect and I had friends with me so I wasn’t alone. He was on a teleprompter, he was on video chat, so he wasn’t in the room. This was a couple of months ago. This is still me, myself, now, going into a room with my ex-husband on a TV, and my involuntary response was physically shaking and crying. I thought to myself, ‘If you’re this person now, and you still get this as your response, what are these other victims feeling?’ They’ve just come out of this relationship, and they are expected to go to court and testify in front of that person, and sit in the hallway while they pace right in front of you, stare at you—because I’ve been through that. And then you have to walk out, your both free to go and you both walk out at the same time, and how do you feel when you walk to your car, and do you want to go at all? Because you know it’s going to be like that. Which is why I thought of the Veterans for Victims program that I am currently in the process of creating. We would engage two demographics. I have always supported the veterans, and appreciate greatly what they have done for all of us. And then these victims. Which would give this person like an escort, to be there together, to walk in together and walk out together, so they are not alone. So I’m really hoping for great success with that. Depending on how far we can take it, I would love to make it a nationwide project. But again, we are working on baby steps right now. I do public speaking at events. Anywhere they could use my story. I also talk about personal empowerment and making choices that serve you as an individual, rather than feeling obligated to always do what is expected of you or what you think you are supposed to be doing. Really feeding your own happiness in that way. Newspaper articles, writing books—it’s a lot, but that’s my mission.”

Did you ever imagine that those really traumatic experiences and times in your life would lead you to this path of purpose and a mission that is helping other victims?

“I did not, I never did. It happened so organically. How I was growing and the people around me noticing that and supporting me through. It took a lot of separate individuals to see something in me and to tell me and push me along, not in a pressure-type way, but a very, very supportive way.”

What advice would you either offer to yourself as a young adult or the child you were in a parental role? Or to somebody else who can relate to that situation themselves that is stuck?

“I would tell them that the place they are in is not the place they are always going to be in. A lot of it has to do with the choices they make. Sometimes we don’t realize that not making a choice, is making a choice. By staying in a toxic environment, by staying in a dysfunctional relationship, we are essentially crippling ourselves—it’s like tying our own sneakers together and expecting to run a race. You have to really think about what’s best for you. Another thing too, a lot of times, domestic violence victims are people who are caretakers, people who want to help, fix, change, and they want to make this person better. We are not God. We are not responsible for the success or failure of anyone but ourselves. Even our children—we are there to teach them and guide them, but we cannot make their decisions for them. We love them through it all, but we are only responsible for ourselves. That is really freeing, because you can say, ‘What do I want?’ and know that is all that you really can ask.”

That’s huge! Is there another mantra or a quote you would like to share, something that maybe you stumbled across in your healing process that was an “a-ha’’ moment for you?

“Now I’m on the spot. I don’t know, in terms of a mantra or a quote. I love quotes, so I don’t have one in particular. My favorite one lately is from Malala, I cannot remember it verbatim, which is to the effect of, ‘I raise my voice, not to yell, but so that people who cannot be heard have someone to speak for them,’ or something to that effect. It’s not a mantra for me, it’s the way I choose to live my life.”

And what does that mean to you? Why does that resonate with you?

“It resonates with me because I remember being such a mouse. I remember being or feeling so powerless that all I wanted was for someone to swoop in and tell me, ‘You’re not crazy, you’re going to be fine, you’re going to be okay.’ And I hope I can do that even for just one person and I’ll be happy.”

You’re doing it right now. How has it felt to talk about these experiences with me today?

“It’s all part of the point of it all. It feels great, I’m not embarrassed by it. I don’t hold it as trauma anymore, I just hold it as experience.”

Do you think it is possible that by sharing this story with me, you could be helping some people who might be ashamed of or feel silenced in some way to make a decision, make a change, set the ball in motion to get out of that situation that they are in?

“Yes. I count on it, actually. I hope for it every day. That’s why I do this. I wouldn’t even care if I never knew either way, I’m okay with not knowing. I just want to believe that it happens. And people tell me anyway if in fact it has helped. Just to know that people hear someone say, like you tell everyone they are beautiful. I want people to know that they are worth living. They are worth being happy. These are not frivolous things. They are things that they deserve. So yeah, I count on it.”

#domesticviolence #abuse #recovery #healing #resilience #heartsofstrangers #everyhearthasastorytotell #yourstorywillinspireothers #hope #photojournalism #survivor

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letsleep-away · 7 years

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Can you share your experience of what it's like being in a psych ward? I've always tried to avoid getting myself into one. Does it ever help at all or does it become another problem/burden with whatever that comes along with it? Also all the best to you, and hope you get well soon.

The number one advice I will give someone is to do their research. If you know you will end up in one, work things around so you at least end up in a good one because psych wards can be dramatically different from one another and it can be the difference between helpful or traumatic. I’ve been to two different ones so far and a psychiatric emergency center. I will put my experiences underneath because it will be kinda long

1. Emergency psychiatric center: not a psych ward, but if you go to the ER they might send you to one of these. This place is more of a 24-48 hour thing where they figure out where they will place you.(skip this process if you can). In my experience, it was pretty bad. You are basically in a big room with a lot of couches and beds with people who can be very severely mentally ill and sometimes aggressive(so you have to see tons of people being retrained and sedated …and at times unfairly) to people who are just there bc they got drunk and got in a fight/got destructive and had to choose between jail or eps. I was just 19 and most of the people there were 26ish. The nurses totally did not keep confidentially and told my parents everything. It was pretty bad.

2. Now actual psych wards:

- Rooms/bathrooms: this will be different depending on where you are. On my first psych ward you shared a room and there were communal showers and bathrooms. on my second one we each got our own beds with a personal bathroom, the doors for these bathrooms were held by a plastic thing so you couldn’t lock yourself in there but it was pretty nice.

-Food: food was good at both places I was at. you could choose your own menu in the second place and it ranged from salads to pizza and burgers and stuff like that. All three meals were at the same time every day but if you didn’t want to eat it at that time they just placed your tray somewhere and you could eat whenever you wanted to. There was always crackers or milk or snacks on both places.

-Belongings: Phones and every item of clothing with strings is taken away. sometimes if you come with a bag of clothes they even take that and its hard to get that clothes back, so its easier if fam/friends, bring you stuff afterwards. No strings or anything that you can use to harm yourself is allowed in the clothes and most places let you keep your shoes if you take out the laces. Most people just walk around in socks that they give you there though. They have phones there that you can use to call your friends, fam and people can call there too, usually patients answer and look for the person who is being called.

-Coffee/ Smoking: prohibited in both that I went

- Sedating patients with meds is SO common. Only in the first place did I ever see them physically restraint a patient…but I swear psych wards give anti anxiety meds like candy its annoying

-Groups/activities: pretty boring and standard. In both that I went to, going to groups was completely voluntary but it was a plus to being allowed to leave the ward so I always went. Because the severity of mental illness between patients, most groups were taught in such a way that it felt like I was in elementary school. After a while I got used to it though.

-Nurses: So in every day and shift you are assigned a nurse. They will give you your meds and if you have any concerns of questions you go to them. Some can be super nice and some are rude and annoying AF. I’ve had both.

-Psychiatrists: OH MY GOD. LIKE IS ONE of the fucking requirements that all psychiatrists be assholes???? The first one I went to she told me I was borderline and doing everything for attention and didnt want to let me out. The second one in the second psych ward told me he wasn’t getting me on meds because i would “overdose on them” and the third one I saw in the same fucking psych ward on my second attempt WOULDNT let me leave without having a confirmed psychiatrist appointment even though it was impossible to get it to soon and I was way past my 72 hour hold and was not suicidal anymore. the nurses helped me lie in order to be allowed to leave. He prescribed me a med that is an anti depressant But also an appetite stimulant when I told him I was bulimic. the thing with bulimia though is you BINGE a fuck ton…so why would an appetite stimulant work???and he kept on asking me daily if i was eating??like wrong fucking eating disorder dude. He was 80 and could barely walk and was missing half his teeth and his appointments with me were no more than 5 minutes. I thought I was getting locked in there forever.

So positives of psych ward: first couple of days tbh its super helpful. some groups do teach you knew things and being away from your daily stressors and having no choice is pretty relaxing. you can read or watch t.v all day knowing that you really have no choice but to just be in the moment. its a good place for thinking and being able to talk to others about what you are struggling about. I found friendships easily there. Although there are patients there who can make no sense (first psych ward this guy said i looked like his uncle and called me Tim the whole time I was there. He always always asked if I did cocaine for some reason. On the second psych ward, this patient always came into my room and cried in the corner asking me to hold her hand because she was scared and wanted confirmation that god loved her and forgiveness..it was sad at first but when the meds made me drowsy i just wanted her out of my room) there are also patients there that you immediately bond with. Like in both i had my friends who i sat with and had movie night at night time with and talked about dating and how crazy the doctors were and just how sucky depression was and things like that.

Negatives: Leaving is ALWAYS an issue. Wether you are on a hold or voluntary it doesn’t matter. If you leave against medical advice, your insurance can choose not to cover your stay(in the U.S) so unless you have thousands of dollars, you have to stay until you are told you can leave…which the psychiatrists have absolute decision making in that process. I always stay longer than necessary and have to fight my way to be let out. It feels like a prison towards the end and its pretty scary. This girl where I was at had a different psychiatrist..shes only 18 and she was wanting to already give her electric shock therapy and discontinued her meds because she didnt want to. She diagnosed her all fuckd up and wrong and she was giving people lithium and thyroid medicine when they didnt need it. She always was keeping the girl in for over a month…which is crazy. Mine would have dragged my stay but the nurses lied for me and helped me out and in the first ward my parents argued. When you switch over from a 51/50(72 hour hold) and they ask you if you want to do voluntary, always say no and they’ll put you on a 52/50…which means 14 day hold but all of those need hearings and most psych wards release you right before the hearing because they know they’ll loose. Some wards actually are pretty bad and terrifying so please please always research before you go to one.

This totally might be different if you are there voluntarily though. I was always there because of self harm or because i overdosed and came in with a 51/50 so yeh.

#depression #psych ward #mental health #anxiety #overdose

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gendryw4ters-blog · 7 years

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aight fuck it. here’s young speirs.

i was gonna wait before doing this but!! i am feeling speirs a lot tonight and so here is this thing i hope you enjoy it and that it makes sense somehow too

you can listen to the list here

a tracklist as well as some type of analysis of both the tunes and my interpretation of him in relation to them beneath the cut <3

bad reputation - joan jett (courtesy of @kuurihn!! thank you for the idea omg <3)

oh my god - ida maria

stockholm syndrome - blink 182

lithium - nirvana

basket case - green day

smells like teen spirit - patti smith

man - yeah yeah yeahs

i just dont know what to do with myself - the white stripes

creep - radiohead

i miss you - blink 182

At first glance, young Speirs seems like a stereotype. Typical teen angst. Pop punk, grunge- he’s evidently trying too hard. You can picture him; skinny jeans and band tees and maybe a piercing or two. You knew him in highschool, I knew him in highschool- he’s a trope as old as time.

And in many ways, he is that stereotype. Misunderstood. Angry. Messy hair. It all points in the same direction; but there’s this other level to him too- why he’s come to embody this stereotype in the first place.

I’m not gonna equate myself to Speirs in a big way because we’re pretty different, but if there’s one thing we both struggle with; it’s identity. I grew up on dad’s music, I thought it was the coolest thing ever- I used to think I was a goth (turns out! I meant punk but didn’t understand at the time) and loved Blink 182 and Green Day and bands like that because I was desperate to be somebody. The music was cool (still is, Blink 182 are a band that I know are gonna be with me for my entire life), and I wanted to be cool too- I wanted to be interesting, wanted to be liked.

Ron Speirs is the youngest of five kids. Imagine that- four older siblings, each with their own personalities, their own vibes, and you- the youngest, still finding your feet. Each of his family members already has a reputation, especially if the age gap is kinda big. There’s a kid in my year with who has an older sister that went through our school years before him, but she was incredible and all he got for years was “how’s your sister doing? She was so smart!” and she’s hyper-successful and now he does drugs. I don’t know if those two points are related but I feel like they might be a little bit. I don’t think Ron would get into drugs, not until he was older. Ron just entering highschool? He has to separate himself from them and he has to do it fast. He’s been building up a steady music collection over time as it is (being the youngest of five? Id imagine your parents being a little bored by then, and that he’d be kinda lonely. Not to mention the amount of fights there’d be in such a busy household, he’d probably want to drown them out as often as he could). It seems the kids are liking pop punk these days. He wants to branch out from his family but he wants to fit in with the kids- a puzzle, because how does one become an individual but still remain in with their peers?

Pop punk, strangely, turns out to be the answer. Sure, the kids like it, but not TOO many of them do. It’s in, but it’s not quite mainstream. And as it turns out, he quite likes the music. It’s loud, loud enough to drown out the fighting at home, and it speaks to him (he inwardly cringes at the thought). He can’t even explain why it speaks to him in the first place, it just does- summarises a lot of his insecurities and makes him feel a little less lonely, cause god- god he is lonely. He’s tried on so many different personas that he’s not even sure which one is the real him anymore, and even though he’s got friends it’s like there’s this glass wall in between him and them- they don’t understand. He hates that, hates how pretentious it sounds, but it’s true. He doesn’t even understand, so how on earth could they?

It’s around the same time as this, aged 16ish, that he realises that he’s gay. It comes to him (quite literally, as crude as that is to say) one night when he’s home alone and daydreaming about this boy- this boy who’s cool and edgy and a little dark and he’s grungy. He’s grungy and Speirs wants to impress him and so he becomes grungy too- finds he doesn’t even mind it that much, Nirvana and Radiohead? They’re good bands. He can dig it. Starts wearing flannel over his band tees. Gets talking to this boy. They end up dating, and it’s nice at first- until it’s not. It starts with the boy devaluing pop-punk, making Speirs feel stupid for liking it (even though he does, it still holds a place in his heart because it is his heart), then devaluing Speirs’ image (he calls him out for trying too hard, makes fun of his clothes and plays it off as a joke), and then devaluing Speirs himself. It ends, difficulty and painfully, and music once again becomes Speirs’ best friend. He didn’t mind the grunge so it sticks around, it’s little bittersweet since it reminds him of the boy, but hey, it’s music and he likes it. He goes back to his Green Day and his Blink 182 and his Yeah Yeah Yeahs, but gets a little darker.

He struggles, after what happened. Struggles to trust. There are other struggles too, but this one hits him the hardest. He hates that most of all. Hates that he’s going to be defined by what this boy did to him, vows that won’t be the case but doubts he’ll ever be able to escape it. The doubts begin to manifest, he isolates himself for his own protection. He knows who he is now. He’s Ron Speirs, he’s heartless- ruthless. Doesn’t need anybody but himself. His music grows with him. Retains his origins, but matures too- Nirvana becomes Patti Smith covers of Nirvana, The White Stripes really get him with their Dusty Springfield cover. Ida Maria gets it- he’s not in control, he never has been. But he can convince people that he is, and that’s got to get him somewhere.

This all then continues to grow and mature, until he reaches current Ron. He doesn’t fear the reaper. He’s ruthless, dark, and unapproachable, and he wants to keep it that damn way too. He might start to let some people in, might start to mellow out with PJ and Nick, but it’s still there. Still in his heart. The doubt, the mistrust. He won’t be burned again.

#BoB #mmm this my shit (this my shit)#i mean TECHNICALLY it is one of the bob playlists so it goes in the mm shit tag #ron speirs #look!! its rambly and convoluted and dark and maybe dumb but trust me on this. please do #also!! thank you to maddie @snowmedics for letting me bounce this off of her she is GREAT at tunes and the beatles list??/ incredible #the analysis itself is probably not well written but please do give it a read if speirs is a guy you care about because !! i wanna know #what you think i care a lot about thoughts and interpretations #this is!! modern au also i should have said in the post

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