#[ his macho complex RUNS DEEP ] | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

onlyherefortheshowmances · 3 years

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So I saw someone else get an anon message that said: “I hate to admit this, but I really can't shake the feeling that Benji loves Victor more than Victor loves Benji at this point.” I wanted to respond as well, because I think this is something people are probably seeing a lot and I really want to explain how I’m looking at it (from personal experience and just from looking at and examining the characters).

CW/TW: Mental Health, suicidal ideation/action mention, Addiction, Emotional Trauma, sex mention, Predatory relationship mention, catholicism, homophobia, misunderstandings, lack of communication, spoilers for love victor seasons 1 & 2 [let me know if I missed anything please]

I want to be frank in saying that Benji is my favorite character and I project onto him a lot (along with seeing a lot of myself in him). I’m also white AF, so I’m sure some of you think that’s relevant, but I really don’t think it is in this particular case. I do also however identify with Victor in a number of ways and I am trying to see the characters both as complex individuals with deep personal histories. Both have suffered traumas and both are clearly dealing with a lot of their own shit on top of being sixteen/seventeen and dealing with junior year of high school and all the pressures and expectations that brings for everyone.

I think what people are interpreting at loving someone more/less is actually about prioritizing someone/a relationship more/less. In my mind, from what I see on screen and interpret, they both love each other beyond words. They are both very much in love with one another. It comes down to how they display that to each other and to the public as well as where on their list of priorities this relationship falls.

Let’s start with Victor, struggles and life:

He is dealing with internalized homophobia and associated thought-patterns stemming from his upbringing in the Catholic church as well from the vocalized homophobic remarks from his mother (toward himself and Benji as well as likely at other points in his life toward strangers), his father (stating that he hopes Adrian doesn’t turn out ‘like that’; the scene in S1 where they’re at the church in Texas and he calls the hairdresser ‘flojito’; etc.), and his grandparents (on his birthday and likely at other points in his life). As a result of this, Victor tried to make himself straight (or at least interested in a girl) by dating Mia because he did like her as a person and everyone was telling him that’s what he was supposed to do. He ended up hurting her and almost losing her friendship (temporarily, he did, but she does seem to have forgiven him now).

He is dealing with outside homophobia as well. That kid on the very first day he was Creekwood responding to Benji helping him up. Felix’s comment that same day of ‘you don’t want to give people the wrong idea.’ The basketball team/gym class guys roasting him about not hooking up with Mia on the ferris wheel. Felix saying he’d be crazy to not like Mia. Lake asking ‘are you gay or something’ when he brought Felix along to Mia’s house, etc., etc. Some of these things may seem innocent enough, but they weren’t. Not to Victor who was already struggling to accept even the possibility that he might be gay. Once he managed to come out to his parents, obviously his father got better fairly quickly, but Isabel continued to struggle for six months which put even more pressure on Victor to try to lead this double life. Once he came out at school, the whole fiasco with the basketball team also occurred and that was a lot for him, because Basketball as always his safe-space. It’s where he went to get away from all the other pressure. It was something he didn’t have to think about and now suddenly, he did. Those pressure are also affecting his ability to think about what he may want and it seems affecting his ability to think (at all sometimes) about how any of that is also affecting Benji. It’s affecting him so much that he’s basically blind to how it’s also affecting Benji to see him suffer. He doesn’t even consider that possibility until Felix brings up how hard it is for him the night Felix breaks up with Lake and Venji get caught having sex.

Victor also has struggles away from just his coming out and accepting himself journey. He has the struggles associated with his parents separation. Until fairly recently, Victor always thought his parents had a perfect relationship. He saw that as the ideal. Get together in High School, get married right away, stay together for ever, happily ever after. That’s what he was raised to expect. And now he’s seeing their relationship fall apart before his eyes. Hell, his devoutly Catholic mother had an affair, and he’s wondering if it’s really possible for your first love to be your only love especially after he and Benji start butting heads, so he’s already vulnerable to that viewpoint when Rahim brings up the possibility. He gets so lost in what’s happening to his parents and what Rahim is saying about it not usually working out that he forgets how in love he is and he sort of loses his will to fight for what he wants, because maybe it’s just doomed to fail anyway (until he sees Benji at the wedding and it sort of hits again - and then Felix’s speech thereafter, obviously). He kind of loses his way by getting caught up in the statistic improbability of your first love being the one and watching his parents’ marriage potentially fall apart and he wonders for a moment if it might be easier, if it might be better to just walk away and go toward Rahim who he seem to get along with and seems to understand the things Benji doesn’t about him, but what he fails to examine in that moment is that he’s only barely scratched the surface with Rahim and that Rahim doesn’t know him like Benji does and that every relationship has it’s ups and downs and what it always comes down to is how willing both parties are to work to make things right. How much you’re willing to step into the other person’s shoes and try to understand. In my opinion, even if he were to walk away from Benji and go to Rahim, that bubble of understanding isn’t going to last forever either. He’s failing to remember that when he got together with Benji (and for most of the summer it seems) that’s exactly what it was like and failing to remember that they have grown beyond that into a deep soul-altering love for one another that deserves his time, energy, and effort and NEEDS those things to keep it going.

Now let’s talk about Victor’s priorities in life:

Victor has always been close with his family, especially his mother. The strain on that relationship is very taxing on his mental well-being. He has a hard time ‘standing up to’ her or talking back to her, etc. because he loves her and he just wants their easy, close relationship back. He already overcame his own anger at her affair to get her back, but now she’s the one pulling away because of his sexuality and it’s hurting him because if he was able to forgive her for something that was actually wrong, why can’t she forgive him for something that he has no control over. So he loves his mother and his family and he hates disappointing them. He has spent most of his life fixing his family’s issues (as he explains to Simon in S1), but now he is the issue and he doesn’t know how to handle it. When in 2x1 he decides to just bring Benji over and try exposure therapy with his mom, it backfires in a big way. Even though they barely touch each other. Even though Benji just says the word boyfriend once, it’s too much for Isabel and Victor desperately wants to please. He desperately wants to not lose his mother (who has always been the person he is closest to), so that causes him to take a step back from going against her and the steps he still takes (telling her he wants her to call Benji his boyfriend not just his friend, the whole conversation outside the church, the conversation with Adrian, etc.) are things that Benji doesn’t get to see happening and it frustrated Victor that Benji won’t even listen to him when he tries to say that his mom is making progress at all, because she is so important to him and yet it seems like Benji just doesn’t even recognize or care about that. This leads him to say the thing he does at Brasstown before Benji runs out, because he assumes that it has to do with Benji being white and of course, that is part of it, but I think Victor in that moment is so overwhelmed by the rejection of his mother and now the refusal of his boyfriend to even try to understand that he snaps. He forgets all the struggles Benji has told him from his own past and he just lashes out which causes Benji to leave [more on Benji’s viewpoint of this whole thing later].

Victor also loves basketball. It’s true that in some case LGBTQIA+ individual participate in certain activities to make them seem more ‘normal’. Gay men participating in sports to seem more macho is a common one, so Benji thinking that’s why Victor plays basketball makes sense to an extend, but he never bothers to ask Victor about, only makes assumptions, and Victor feels like the fact that he actually likes sports makes him ‘not gay enough’ (see conversation with Andrew). What he’s forgetting entirely is his encounter with Bram and the gay basketball league in NYC from episode 1x8. There are many ways to be gay, and sports gays do exist and are perfectly valid. That’s not the type of gay Benji or his friends/bandmates are, but it is the type that Victor is and Benji failing to recognize that and failing to understand or even ask Victor about that drives one of many wrenches into their relationship. In episode 1x5 when Benji shows up to Victor’s first game back on the team and does the Go Grizzlies dance with the other basketball girlfriends, it definitely does a lot of help Victor realize this was just a miscommunication/misunderstanding rather than anything malicious. Basketball and his teammates continue to be a priority for him after this, but that seems to be something Benji is now capable of understanding.

Finally, Victor loves Benji. He wants to be with Benji; there is zero doubt about that. However, for Victor when he’s put on the spot (as in episode 2x8) and basically told he has to choose his mom (who has raised him and been his closest confidant and biggest supporter for his entire life) or his boyfriend (who he’s known for almost a year and been dating for six months and is helplessly in love with) it processes as an error message in his brain. He just wants everyone to get along. He’s not mad that Adrian knows that he’s gay (he’s wanted him to know for months), but he is upset that his mom is now even angrier. [see my section about Benji in this moment, for more about Isabel’s reactions as well] In his mind, telling Adrian could wait. In his mind, he was willing to go along with his mom’s requests for a while longer just to keep the peace so to speak. He didn’t want his whole life to fall apart and that’s what he thought was about to happen in that moment. That’s why he asked Benji to leave. He didn’t want to make his mom any angrier. Could he have chosen his words better? Yes. Could he have made Benji understand better? Yes. But he’s sixteen and his brain wasn’t functioning at full capacity because post-sex brain is definitely a thing and he was also looking at his mom who has already been horrible and barely able to look at him for six months, looking even angrier after he finally thought they’d made some progress after church the previous week.

So in conclusion, regarding Victor:

He loves his family (especially his mom). He loves Benji. He loves Basketball. Obviously, he’s not going to prioritize basketball over either of the human beings involved, but I think it’s important to at least note it’s importance in his life. As for Isabel vs. Benji. To Victor, these are the two most important people in his life. All he wants is to be able to love both of them and have both of them love him in return. When they are pit against each other, especially directly, it’s hard for him to make a choice. It’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to his mom and it’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to Benji, but in the moment (episode 2x8 specifically), he takes Isabel’s side, because he knows the ramifications of saying no to her and of making her even more angry that she already is are far worse than the ones for asking Benji to leave for the night. He failed to realize however, how close Benji already was to the edge and how upset he was going to be and how little he understood (or was willing to try to understand) about the situation. This is something he really needs to communicate with Benji (even though it’s not quite as important now that Isabel’s apparently come around). I think it’s important for Benji to understand that Victor values his relationship with his mother enough that it’s difficult for him to go against her without a lot of preparation and having a fully fledged reason, etc.

Now for Benji - Struggles and Life:

The obvious of course is that Benji is a sixteen/seventeen year old that’s barely a year sober and attending AA meetings regularly. Recovering from Alcoholism is difficult at any age let alone for a teenager. One of the most important factors in recovery is looking at the things that led you to drink in the first place. Looking at things that may be considered triggers and either learning to avoid those people/situations or learning healthy alternatives in those situations. I have multiple family members who are both actively drinking alcoholics as well as those in recovery. I also lost my best friend/ex-fiancé to alcoholism a few years ago, so to say I have some personal experience in this arena is putting it lightly. Benji admits to Victor in 1x7 that he used to drink a lot because he knew he was gay, but didn’t want to be. To me that whole story screamed, I’m an alcoholic and while a lot of others agreed with that opinion. I was not shocked that Victor didn’t understand that underlying truth. Those that don’t have intimate familiarity with alcoholism often do not recognize the signs (either as they happen when when they are not directly told). It is made clear in episodes 2x7 & 2x8 that Benji hates this part of himself, in fact he says as much to Victor when he arrives at his apartment late the night of his birthday. Benji has still not fully accepted that the alcoholic part of himself that attends AA meetings and drinks orange juice while his friends are drinking vodka is one and the same with the part of himself that loves Victor with all his heart. This is something I’d really like to see him reconcile and work on in season 3 and beyond. Understand that you can’t compartmentalize yourself. You are but one whole person and all facets of yourself are in fact part of the singular you. [Not accounting for those with dissociative identity disorder.] It’s not directly mentioned if he’s still struggling with urges to drink, but most if not all alcoholics do, especially when experiencing those aforementioned triggers. Seeing Benji meeting with his sponsor after the incident with Isabel/Victor is not shocking to me and if anything, that was the healthy and correct response on his part. The reason he was drinking in the first place was that he was gay and didn’t want to be (internalized and probably external homophobia) and he just experience some really intense homophobia at the hands of his boyfriend’s mom (and partially said boyfriend himself). Benji’s lack of understanding of where Isabel was coming from in episode 1x8 speaks volumes to just how traumatize Benji still is about his own experiences with homophobia. The only thing he can think about in that moment is that this woman hates me for being gay. She hates her son for being gay. Being gay isn’t okay, etc. What he doesn’t factor in is that Isabel is also devoutly Catholic. I honestly don’t think it’s the gay part of the sex that horrified her the most. The Catholic faith is also very clear on the practice of abstinence from sex (at all) prior to marriage. She would’ve responded the same way had she walked in on Victor having sex with a girl, in my opinion, but in the moment Benji’s own trauma is overriding his ability to understand that because all he can see is the homophobia. This is especially true after she calls him Victor’s friend rather than his boyfriend and that in my opinion, is why he snaps. Could he have phrased it better? Yes. Could he have said it without shouting? Yes. But he is a freshly seventeen-year-old whose brain is not functioning on all cylinders in that moment.

Sort of coupled with his alcoholism and recovery therefrom is the allusion his mother makes to ‘dark times’ following his accident. I do have suspicions that perhaps he was also struggling with mental illness, and likely continues to. Depression to the point of suicidal ideation or actions (possibly only in the form of drinking, but possibly in other forms as well). Anxiety is pretty obvious from his actions and reactions throughout the series as well. I also think he is dealing with some sort of trauma-based disorder stemming from the homophobia he experienced (especially the instance of his father taking him to strip-club). It may go as far as C-PTSD (which I myself am diagnosed with) or it maybe something less (or even more). I’m not in the habit of sticking mental health diagnoses of people (fictional or otherwise though). Dealing with these things on top of what in his eyes feels like rejection from not only Isabel, but in a way from Victor as well likely causes some very unpleasant thought patterns and the potential for thought spirals and the likely. I also see indications that he could suffer from co-dependency (whish I also have dealt with in the past), but I’m honestly not sure if that’s me projecting or if it’s actually there.

Then on top of all of that, his boyfriend who he loves more than anything in the world, tells his deepest darkest secret to someone he’s literally never met or spoken to and that said boyfriend has only known for maybe a week at best and thinks it’s no big deal. In that moment, I can 110% see why Benji requests to take a break and I feel that choice is 110% the right one to make. What is a relationship built on if not trust? Victor just destroyed most if not all of the trust Benji had in him. That doesn’t mean he stopped loving him, just that he doesn’t trust him. Love isn’t something you can turn off and on like a light switch especially not the kind these two share. I definitely think Victor has a lot of explaining to do and a lot of apologies to make. I do also think they both need to have a really long, really honest and open conversation. Benji needs to be willing to get a little vulnerable and explain why certain things are causing him so much distress, but he also needs to be willing to listen to Victor explain why he can’t simply go against his mother as Benji seems to think he should. They both really demonstrated a degree of selfishness this season along with an lack of communication and a lack of willingness to understand or even try to understand each other’s points of view and that is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

There also exists the issue of Benji’s parents. His mother especially seems to overstep quite frequently and insert herself into his life where she was not invited or expected. I do wonder if this was always her personality or if this is something that started after Benji’s accident. I have a hunch it was likely the latter. I see indications that perhaps there was some neglect or just general indifference on his parents part as he was growing up. They clearly missed that he had started drinking heavily and that he stole his dad’s car that night. He was also evidently dating Derek for quite a while before the accident. (Derek is another section by himself though.) This not to mention the fact that his father took him to a strip club and paid for a lap dance when he was no more than sixteen if he was even that old, in an effort to turn him straight. Benji tells Victor in episode 1x7 that he and his dad used to be close and that they used to go to Dollywood on road trips and other such things, but that he’s been distant since he came out. We see from the scene where he walks in on Benji and Victor making out that he’s not vocally/outwardly homophobic, but I would not doubt that he still harbors some of those viewpoints in himself. It’s evident to me that Benji is not close to his parents (he may once have been, but at this point it’s pretty clear that he’s not anymore). Benji doesn’t have siblings to the best of our knowledge. It’s also mentioned that his nana (like a paternal grandmother) is deceased, so it’s really not clear how much contact he even has with his extended family or how much of one exists. For these reasons, in his mind, there is no circumstance where his family (especially not his parents) would take precedence of his own happiness or Victor’s. That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him that Victor doesn’t stand up to Isabel, because if the roles were reversed, he would have no problem at all telling his own mother (or father) off. He doesn’t seem to comprehend Victor’s need to keep his relationship with his mother intact. I’m very glad Isabel pointed out to him that Victor has stood up to her and risked their relationship for him, but the disconnect still lies in that Benji isn’t a fan of the fact that he didn't’ do that in his presence and that he didn’t do more.

Then there’s Derek. Derek is at least a sophomore in college in season 2 as he was clearly in college in season 1 as well. Meaning he is at least 19/20 when Benji is 16/17. They had been together for a year the previous spring (episode 1x6) which means they started dating when Benji was 15 and Derek was no younger than 18 (I think he is like at least a year older than the youngest possibility). Georgia’s age of consent is 16, and there are no ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in place in the state meaning it is categorically illegal for anyone 18 years of age or older to engage in sexual acts with anyone 15 years of age or younger unless they are legally wed, meaning until Benji’s 16th birthday, this relationship was illegal in general not to mention the predatory nature of someone in college dating a high school sophomore to begin with. They generally don’t prosecute if the people involved are within 4 years of each other though (which coincides with ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in other states) which they could’ve been within depending on Derek’s actual age and birthday. It doesn’t seem like charges were filed either way which is questionable on Benji’s parents part. Benji also tells Victor in 1x10 that Derek made him feel bad a lot of the time about the things he like and about being a romantic, we also see Derek crap all over Benji’s special anniversary date in 1x6. The toxicity of that relationship is sure to have left it’s mark on Benji and carried over into his new relationship with Victor. I also find it questionable that knowing that, Benji was shitting all over Victor’s love for basketball at one point (isn’t that exactly what he complained about Derek doing to him about his interests?), though as you see in my earlier comments, I do understand that perhaps Benji wasn't’ fully aware that Victor actually liked basketball and wasn’t just doing it to seem straight/make his dad happy/etc. I also think it’s quite confusing that Victor managed to come up with that date idea for Benji in 1x6 and then the best he could do for Benji’s birthday was champagne and sex? I’d be more than marginally hurt over that if I was Benji, to be completely fair. It is also worth it to note that Benji stayed with Derek for over a year despite all of their problems (which goes back to the possibility of co-dependency issues) and yet he was willing to break up with him just to chase after the possibility of Victor. They had already connected on so many levels even prior to that night that even the possibility of that relationship made Benji willing to leave someone he’d been with for more than a year (obviously Victor’s little speech in the hallway played a part in that).

Benji’s Priorities:

In Benji’s world, he has a few things that could be considered priorities.

Maintaining his sobriety is obviously one, but he keeps that separate from everything else. I don’t see it being held above or below anyone or anything. It’s just a completely separate thing to him (which again I feel he needs to reconcile). He was able to do that while also appeasing his friends and Victor (see episode 2x4 where he switches out his cups).

His music/band is obviously a priority, but again that’s something basic that everyone knows about and accepts. He doesn’t have choose between that and anything or anyone else that we’re shown.

Victor is his primary priority however. To him, that is the most important relationship/person in his life. He doesn’t know what he’d do without him. He says he loves that part of his life which I take to mean, he loves who he is when they’re together and not so much when they’re apart. To him, there is no question of who he would choose if there was a choice in front of him between Victor and literally anyone else (including his parents). That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him when the choice isn’t so simple for Victor when he actually has to make one between Benji and Isabel. Benji isn’t close with his parents and he doesn’t seem to understand what it is like for someone that is. Even if his parents didn’t come around right away. Even if they still may not be fully on board with everything, it didn't’ matter that much to him, because he could stand up to them because he didn’t care about destroying a relationship, because there already wasn’t much of one to begin with. This leads to him not understanding that Victor is seriously conflicted in the moments where he is made to choose between his boyfriend and his mother, because to Benji that choice is crystal clear. Again, they could really do with an honest conversation about this where Benji actually listens and tries to understand where Victor’s coming from, because right now, I think he just doesn’t quite get it. It’s clear that Isabel’s speech at Brasstown helped him to understand or at least start to, and obviously now that Isabel isn’t so much of an obstacle everything becomes a little easier, but it is still something that I really feel they need to discuss and understand about each other.

In conclusion:

Both of these boys need therapy (individual, family, and couples), and they would really benefit from a lot more open and honest communication where they both are able to speak honestly about their needs and desires as well as both being able to listen to and understand (or try to at least) one another.

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transfemstarscream · 2 years

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i think if there’s anything funny about simon furman, it’s most likely the possibility that his writing started to deteriorate because of the idea of gay robots.

like i don’t mean this in a “haha i’m calling this gay to upset the homophobe” way, even though i’m not saying you can’t. i don’t think simon furman’s writing was “unique” by any means nor was the transformers 1984 comic run flawless but i definitely think it’s competent and even great at times. whether or not you like the traditional compressed storytelling or the cheesiness of the 80s is highly subjective; the comic run was successful and when simon furman went on to direct it, it was highly praised by the fans for adding much more substance to the franchise.

the comics were mostly separate from the cartoon, so simon furman’s dislike of including female characters was not really a big issue minus prime’s rib (which was only published in the UK run also, so). he could write his machoism-based society with no pushback. the transformers were basically a one-gender society even though they are obviously meant to present “men”. so not only was he pushing the boundaries of what subject matter they could tackle, he was also able to competently write in-depth male/male relationships.

and when i say “in-depth” i don’t mean he was writing full, complex three dimensional relationships between two guys. compared to other comics published around the same time, they’re not like... deep deep. but he didn’t have any issue with these macho characters showing emotion. these characters were emotional; they had actual friendships and closeness, they would grieve each others’ deaths and pain, they had and would realistically react to moral dilemmas and difficult choices, they struggled with problems concerning more personal matters, and etc. even with all the furmanisms, the characters had like. actual personality and feelings and emotions.

and so the comics showed these guys being friendly with each other. intimate with each other. they would hold each other’s hands in reassurance and tell the other that everything is going to be okay. the comics showed that war sucks and it doesn��t make “badasses”, it makes people tired and sad. when one of their friends were down, they would get up close to them and tell them they’ll be okay. they would noticeably grieve them. look at this scene where prowl and wheeljack express absolute sadness and horror at the same time over optimus’ almost-dead body, and prowl takes the time to lean closer to optimus to listen to him.

and like! it’s depressing. but it’s also really good because it shows connection and love between people. there’s love and empathy and loyalty between these guys. and simon furman was competent at writing these sorts of situations instead of the classic “everyone is detached and just shoot at each other over minor inconveniences” thing going on with the franchise at the time. the comic run ended on a more bittersweet note to compare to some of the absolute tragedy that happened in the other issues.

but when the 2000s came around and beast wars had showed us not one but multiple(!) female characters, of course some people wanted more female characters more strongly. simon furman made his dislike of female characters in the franchise rather prominent already during this time, so yeah he would just continue writing his macho characters and all’s good. but since beast wars also showed us romance exists in transformer society and also sexual attraction...and if, by his word, the transformers were a monogender society... then romance between transformers would be inherently homosexual and they would live in an actual homonormative society.

of course i don’t think he would like this. with this idea, then a lot of the more ‘intimate’ moments in his writing between male characters could possibly be perceived as gay. that doesn’t mean he wrote them to be gay, but with fandom comes people who want to see themselves in media, or people who just want to see gay romance in media. since female characters didn’t really exist in his work, then of course romance between two same-gender robots was more likely than opposite-gender robots technically.

and this is where i would say his writing got worse. his work didn’t feel as nice and the machoism got ranked up some levels. and no longer were the characters empathetic and had actual relationships between each other, they all just felt very disconnected and detached from one another. i read his work on dreamwave and the character present in the g1 comics that he wrote in was not really present in dreamwave. i truly think that he realized what a monogender society that is also capable of romance would mean and he didn’t like that, so he wrote the characters to be even more stereotypically macho but also detached so there was no longer intimacy that could be seen as gay.

and yeah. he still has a few good stories here and there in the 2000s and even the 2010s. but i think it really got worse when the 2000s started because of the idea of gay robots. i don’t know i just think it’s possible.

#.txt #i don't know where i was going with this. sorry sorry.#long post #ask2tag

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jerrylevitch · 3 years

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Do you think or know whether Jerry ever regretted all of the affairs and sleeping around? Or if he looked back on it differently later on? I know he'd talked about it kind of jokingly, which i'm sure was a default/defense mechanism. I also get all the factors that contributed to that behavior so I don't really judge him for it, and he wasn't the only one doing it by any means...I was just wondering if you had a take on it or knew anything. Still love him, that horny little bugger lol ;)

He did feel guilty and for awhile, and he tried to be faithful to Patti in his own mind by not finishing inside the woman he was with. According to Jane McCormick:

"Jerry was almost bashful when it came to having sex, but he thoroughly enjoyed it. Still, he had a quirky way of dealing with his loyalty to his wife. He would not climax inside me, no matter what kind of sex we had."

Of course you'll see Jerry boasting about his sexual escapades and other crap like he didn't care when he was older like on E True Hollywood Story or Playboy, and GQ Magazine, but I always go back to this passage that Jerry wrote to himself and consider this the truth, because here he didn't have to put on a show for anyone, or try to look macho by saying he had all these women.

From Patti Lewis' book:

“Jerry was a master at candidly acting out personal vignettes about three areas of real life: relationships, situations, and predicaments. They form the backbone of his comedy. He nurtured many relationships and wrote volumes on how he felt. I tried to understand what he was saying, beyond the words, when I read the notes he sent me; the “I luv you’s” written across my makeup mirror at home; and the longer messages I found on my desk.” ”At times I found him five parts philosopher, one part humanist, ten parts deep thinker, one part spiritual, fifty parts comedian, twelve parts unpredictability, and twenty-one parts everything else. In 1966, one late summer afternoon, I found the following and took it to the garden to read:”

”To ask how deeply I feel is like asking, ‘Where is God?’” ”We can answer with nothing more than “if’s” and “maybe’s.” “In other words, the answers are really intangibles, yet I’m going to attempt to answer one of them to the best of my knowledge and awareness.

My feelings, where my wife is concerned, are very deep and very sacred…She is the very reason I live…for she is the only reason I know that makes living worth anything…and the boys that she produced for me are equally worth it, but one day they’ll leave and then there will be only us…

She is the first human thing that has ever cared about me or for me…Oh, there were little dogs, and little boys and a few beings that cared, but not enough that I could have survived.

It was only when she came into my life that I realized I had a life to live…I was always made to feel that I was given a case of breath out of pity…It was as though someone said, “We have plenty, give him some.” Then I knew I had to make good and be someone, or something a little better than those that gave me an occasional handout… As I got older, I didn’t much care about being better than them anymore…I just cared about staying alive and getting some degree of respect as a human thing on God’s Earth…I knew he didn’t mean to have anyone just exist…but he meant fur us all to have a meaning and a purpose. I have to try to get my thoughts put in the proper place so I can put things down that really count! Now then, if my wife was the first to care and to really treat me like a human being with love and warmth and the like…the big question is, “How could I have treated this special being as I have?” My answer that I find coming is… After so many years of being made to feel like nothing…I guess I worked on being something so much more than nothing…that I found myself making the real somethings around me nothing in the haste that drove me to be something…The responsibility of taking care of the loves I had always had made me feel like, “Why should I care for what one day will discard me anyway?” I don’t know if that’s the case, but it sounds right…and coming from someone who loves those tremendous loves as I do, it certainly confuses me, too… My constant silence, I think, has been fear…of what my love would think of what I’ve done…fear of doing the wrong thing…and losing the respect I have always felt I got from her…to be placed in the position of being disrespected and disregarded again has always knotted up my insides so badly that silence seemed the only way to avoid the possibility of rejection…very often my hiding was part and parcel of that fear…The feeling of being nothing again, or being looked at with disdain, has, for as long as I can remember, been tearing me up inside…And those tears have come out looking like torment…Well, tormented I am, and have been, and pray one day soon I won’t know the feeling anymore… My wrapping myself up so completely in my work helped for a while, but the “ego” that came across was never there…I have none. But I work desperately at displaying “ego” to cover the real emptiness I know inside… As a director I have found infinite peace…because I am to so many…an authority, a man who knows, and not someone who is treated with “pity” or “charity”…That’s the biggest reason for the love of creativity I have, for a man is free when he is creating. Not just creating “funny” by way of the mask I wear, but by making others the puppets…and making them stand out front for a change…The feeling of “behind the camera” feels safe, and warm, and special, and certain…”Out front” has been very hard and trying for me…and for the first time in my life I think I can honestly admit…I hated doing it and I still do…The happiness that seemed to appear from standing “in one” was nothing more than getting a general acceptance from a lot of people who care at the moment….But “at the moment” isn’t enough for me anymore… I need all the care I can get all the time…and I only seem to be able to get that from my love, my wife… I don’t ever want to appear “indifferent” to my wife…but that appearance, too, I think is just hoping not to be a burden and an annoyance to her...I just can’t remember ever being anything but an annoyance…and when I’m told I’m not, I can’t seem to recognize that is possibly the case. I don’t like to hide and run…I want to be free to go and do as any other man does… I know I need help…but I really believe the help will come from within…as soon as I can place things in their right positions… Admitting to “hating performing” might help me adjust sooner…Admitting the love I have for writing and direction will, I’m sure, take me out of the depths of my depression…and will ultimately take me into the realm of peace and contentment. I want to talk more, I want to communicate more…I want

to say so much, and get help from her, I want so much to scream the things that tug away at my heart and my soul…And when I try, the hurt is so strong, and deep, and festered that I clam up, and the relief I want doesn’t come… Now to bury that grief…I find someone who has equally as much or more than I so that I can be the helping hand…For if I can help, then my hurts can’t be so bad…How much trouble can I have, if I’m listening to someone else’s? And for years I made that a practice…to give of myself only to forget I needed more giving than anyone… I don’t think I have always been aware of that fact…I really wanted to share and give and be charitable…but there’s that word again…charitable…I should have known better. For “charity” was the one thing that started my life wrong.. I wasn’t entitled to charity by those people when I was so very young…I was entitled to all the love and care all little lives should get…But how long did I have to wait to realize “charity” shouldn’t deal with the ones we love…They should only get the real “love” and nothing more…and give “charity” to strangers in need…Period! (And they should be picked carefully!) I’m trying to feel “God” in me and maybe with his help we can push out the torment…and place the “alive” of a being, back where it was taken from… With it all I am a very lucky man…to have found the real, right, and perfect human being to spend my years with. I want so much to do the right thing to keep her straight and happy and healthy… When she is ill, the reaction to it isn’t any different than when the spike is forced into the vampire’s heart…it’s the only emotional thing that can kill me, and that’s when she hurts…or when I’ve caused her pain…but my intentions are never to hurt her, never to do her a moment’s pain…Never to create a frown on her lovely face…Why those things happen are a complexity to us both…And I will serve myself from here on in as a student of care and concern and caution as to how she gets treated and how I allow much of my feelings to affect her… I can only answer “God” honestly, and he knows my worth and my intentions, I have no fear of his wrath…for I know he knows I’m basically good, and fine, and honorable when it comes to my love and my soul for her… I have no guilt about what I have done thru my blindness…I only have guilt for the things I might have avoided doing…If I had just put…”First things first.” I will try! And “God” knows my heart is talking, not the typewriter.”

#Jerry Lewis #anonymous

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purplesauris · 3 years

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Omg, I feel your tags on that "popular fanon interpretation" post in my SOUL... And don't forget poor, innocent, uwu woobie Luke to be taken advantage of by him. He grew up on a gangster-run planet, and almost single-handedly toppled a galactic empire, but somehow collapses into a naive puddle of confused pleasure at the first sign of sexual aggresion. I... *deep sigh* On the other hand, everything of yours I've read has been wonderful, and I <3 the way you always play with their dynamics. :D

Listen, listen I try not to throw shade or swing at a hornet's nest, but sometimes you just gotta say enough is enough 😂

Din is literally written to be the exact OPPOSITE of the stereotypical macho-aggressive hero type- he's kind, he's polite, and yeah he kills people but only when he HAS to. He's smart enough to stay alive, to repair his ship well enough to get them to somewhere that can do it better, and is a badass strategist. So when people throw on the "macho-sexual aggressor" stereotype it just... sits wrong in my stomach. Not only because it's a complete dismissal of his character but it's also... hella racist.

and LUKE, don't get me STARTED on Luke. Yes he's whiney in ANH, bitch do you see all that sand, of COURSE he'd be whiney. But he also matures, not only from what happened to him over the course of three movies, but just from him coming into himself. He's not the kind of person to let himself be taken advantage of, badass Jedi that he is, and he certainly isn't an UWU cinnamon roll with a martyr complex.

And AWWW, thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoy! I enjoy playing around with dynamics but also how those characters would behave in said dynamics- no one is as black and white as people like to think, even if your fanon interpretation goes against mine <3 At the end of the day people are going to write what they write I just... wish they would think about it more (and also wish it wasn’t so blatantly popular)

#anonymous #listen this isn't a callout post #but i need those of yall who write din and luke this to think about WHY it is you write them like that #and then take a step back to reassess what you can do better #bc the racist charicatures of din and the soft uwu bottom luke thing is getting old #will i get hate for this?#probably #but that's cool

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weasleypogues · 4 years

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short stack (r.c)

request: Can you do a drew imagine in which the reader is really short and he finds it adorable and teases the reader and just like make it fluffy

this honestly may be harder than i thought bc rafe was such a layered and complex character in the show but ill try my best! :)

master list.

it was not a secret that rafe was one of the tough guys in the OBX. it stressed you out to the max and you found it difficult to keep his temper down. but one thing you knew for sure was even throughout all that temper and fights, not one ounce of those feelings were towards you. everyone that was close to your family, close to his family, or knew about kook's life, in general, knew that rafe had a sweet spot and that sweet spot was you.

you often liked to think about the fact that your tough and over-the-top boyfriend would be a fluffy but still over-the-top person only to you. you two had met at the midsummer ball when your parents first joined the club. you were skeptical of the entire thing, not really feeling like you fit in until rafe made you feel right at home as you hung out with him the entire night.

prior to that night you heard bad things about him and were told to steer clear. but after a glass of champagne in and that dazzling smile of his, you were kind of swept off your feet.

fast forward to a month later and you two were inseparable. you were laying down on his bed, scrolling through twitter when you heard a whistle come from his bedroom door.

“you are looking mighty-fine tonight ms. (y/l/n), if i do say so myself.” rafe said as he lowered his sunglasses to the bridge of his nose with his finger and checked you out.

you could feel your face get hot and felt giddy immediately at your sweet boyfriend. “i could say the same to you mr. cameron.” you responded with a giant smile on your face as you jumped off his bed and ran towards him. you took his face in your hands and gave him a small kiss, although he wanted more.

“mmmm, not right now, cameron. gotta keep you on your toes somehow,” you said, slightly giggling. you took your hands from around his back and made your way to your left, letting your right hand graze on his abdomen. this easily set him off but you didn’t care.

you made your way to the kitchen and looked through the cabinet pulling out vanilla, eggs, butter, chocolate chips and more to start baking. “you’re telling me you pulled all of that back there to come in my kitchen, use my ingredients, and not even invite me to help you? wow.” he responded, sarcastically to get a laugh out of you.

“well if you realllyyyy wanna help. you can preheat the oven to 350.” you said back and allowed yourself to hit his ass playfully as he was doubled over to preheat the oven. “oops, so sorry.”

“i’ll get you back (y/n/n), just watch,” rafe answered in a joking/serious tone. you loved his smile and hearing his laugh. it was almost refreshing to hear because it was stuff you really only witnessed alone. he had this tough-guy persona to keep when he was out and about.

you opened one of the white cabinets and looked around for your last ingredient, sugar. not on the first shelf, maybe the second? you went up on your tippy-toes and looked around for the sugar but nothing.

“rafe, can you help me find the sugar? i think it’s in this cabinet but i’m not really able to see anything,” you said, your hand waving as you motioned the third shelf that was oh-so definitely out of your reach.

“what’s wrong short-stack? need a stool?” he teased you, chuckling to himself. your face dropped and you flipped him off in no time.

“oh look at me, i’m 6′2, i can reach anything and i’m a big macho man.” you mocked him out of slight annoyance. “you seriously think i told my mom, hey can you make me short, please. i would love not being able to reach normal things.” to be honest, you even giggled at your own joke as you saw rafe smiling at your comment.

“we’ll if i’m being honest with you, i’m glad your short and can’t reach a simple box of sugar. at least you’ll need my help all the time. i’ll make sure next time you come over to put everything at least one shelf higher, just so i can hear you call my name and need me.” rafe said, wrapping his arm around your waist with his left hand while the right hand easily placed down the bag of sugar.

you gave him a little pouty face that let out your smile as well. “wow, big macho man is also a giant teddy bear, who knew?” you responded teasingly. he rolled his eyes and smiled wide before pulling you in for a deep kiss and running a hand through your hand.

you were glad he was such a softie for you.

#rafe cameron #rafe cameron imagines #rafe x reader #rafe cameron x reader #obx #obx writing #jj maybank #john b routledge #pope heyward #sarah cameron #kiara carrera #outer banks #outer banks writing #outer banks imagines #drew starkey

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gwynbleiddyn · 3 years

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if you're asking about ships, i'd be remiss not to ask about eivor x vili?

[DEEP BREATH] HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE--

i don’t know where to start, honestly. i’ve definitely gotten heavily invested in ships before, but nothing quite to the extent of eivor/vili (at least, not since the days of OC/Canon in dragon age and mass effect,,,, lordt) and it continues to live in my mind rent free even months after i’ve finished the game, when most things are lucky to still be rattling around up here after a few DAYS

i do want to point out though that i specifically go feral over m!eivor/vili, as much as i appreciate f!eivor, and the reason for that is simply because the narrative around two men who have openly expressed (or can do so, in eivor’s case) attraction to more than one gender while living in a very tough and specific society just really gets to me. more specifically, i kind of fell in love with how each of them alone can easily be considered classic angry macho vikings or whatever, but the reality is they contain multitudes that are waaaaaay more complex and i EAT THAT SHIT UP BRO.

especially when part of those multitudes contains a whole fuckign slice of “i’ve loved you since before i knew what love was” and “whatever our souls are made of yours and mine are the same” and “in every lifetime i would find you and i would choose you” and holy shit bro. it fucking drives me crazy.

and then on a more canonical note, just seeing how easily they slip into conversation around each other despite not seeing each other for TEN YEARS. “it sometimes seemed you never left. maybe you never did.” ONE HIT KILL RIGHT THERE. imagine being so deeply bound to someone that a whole decade can be undone in a moment because you are so fundamentally in-tune with the person sitting across from you that time is fucking MEANINGLESS. like, they can look at each other and they know what they’re thinking (eivor knowing as soon as sunniva told him there were picts, vili would have gone after them) and how they’re feeling (the entire talk at kinder downfall, eivor knew what vili’s reservations were, but he also kind of figured vili needed tough love to say it out loud - so that’s what he gave him)

THE BANTER. the laughter. THEY SMILE SO MUCH AROUND EACH OTHER. and what’s that thing about you always look at the person you love when you say something funny because you want to make them laugh more than anyone??? THAT’S THEM. and i made a whole gifset about how eivor looks at vili because that shit ruined me, even without mocapped scenes, it was painfully obvious how much love eivor holds for this man.

AND THEN HEMMING. THE FACT HEMMING SIGNED A LETTER WITH VILI’S NAME BECAUSE HE THOUGHT EIVOR WOULD COME TO THEM FASTER IF HE SAW VILI’S NAME FIRST. BRO. “to see you both together again” while he’s on his fuckign DEATHBED. no i fully believe hemming knew he was running out of time and, yes, he wanted eivor’s help in choosing a new jarl, but he also wanted eivor to be there for vili when he’s gone. he didn’t trust anybody else to look after his son like eivor. bro. im gonna lose my mind.

OH AND IT ISNT JUST EIVOR KNOWING WHAT VILI NEEDS ITS VILI KNOWING EIVOR TOO -- well enough to understand that after the fucking mess of hamtunscire and cippenhamm, even when eivor goes to him with that soul-crushing question of “will there come a day where winning will not be enough?” instead of just piling on another pound of earth to the grave eivor seems to be digging himself into, vili’s just like “well you can always fight me if you want to lose” and eivor jokes back, however lamely, and once vili has gotten a smile from him only then does he tell him his thoughts - that he should enjoy this victory, whatever it brings to him. THEN QUOTES THE HAVAMAL BUT THATS ANOTHER TOPIC ENTIRELY--

yes. yes i do like this ship. just a little

send me a ship and i’ll give my honest opinion on it!

#winkyblinkyandstew

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msclaritea · 3 years

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The Mary D. Fisher Theatre is proud to present the acclaimed new drama “The Power of the Dog” showing for a limited time: Dec. 3-5.

“The Power of the Dog” stars Benedict Cumberbatch and Kirsten Dunst, and is written and directed by Academy Award-winner Jane Campion.

Set in Montana in the 1920s, Campion’s hotly anticipated new film is an enthralling revisionist western awash in sublime expanses and nuance, capturing a landscape and a people driven by the fantasy and folly of western expansion.

Adapted from Thomas Savage’s novel of the same name, “The Power of the Dog” tells the story of successful rancher brothers George (Jesse Plemons) and Phil (Benedict Cumberbatch) Burbank, whose relationship sours when the more mild-mannered George marries local widow Rose

Charismatic rancher Phil Burbank (Benedict Cumberbatch) inspires fear and awe in those around him. When his brother brings home a new wife Rose (Kirsten Dunst) and her son Peter (Kodi Smit-McPhee), Phil torments them until he finds himself exposed to the possibility of love.

Rose and Peter (Kodi Smit-McPhee) arrive at the Burbank ranch — seemingly wholesome and naïve — and attempt to fit into the family’s complex dynamic of new money, but are continually stymied by an unspoken brotherly bond.

Cumberbatch shines in this ferocious performance as a cowboy to the core, whose hurtful, macho quips toward Peter and his mother hint at a simmering menace and a capacity for erratic cruelty; a kind of camouflage that only serves to repress deep-seated trauma and latent desire.

Proving once again that she is one of today’s greatest filmmakers, Campion delivers a fascinating study of masculinity and internal torment.

“The Power of the Dog” will be shown at the Mary D. Fisher Theatre for a limited run Dec. 3-5. Showtimes will be 1 and 4 p.m. on Friday, Dec. 3; 4 and 7 p.m. on Saturday, Dec. 4; and 7 p.m. on Sunday, Dec. 5.

Tickets are $12, or $9 for Film Festival members. For tickets and more information, please call 928-282-1177. Both the theatre and film festival office are located at 2030 W. Hwy. 89A, in West Sedona.

#benedict cumberbatch #the power of the dog #Mary D Fisher Theater #Sedona Arizons #Sedona International Film Theater

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granddaughterogg · 4 years

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Horsemen’s approaches to lovemaking

Death is the intellectual lover. That brain of his always has 408013 tabs open, performing complex analysis, and he makes good use of it while feigning graceful simplemindedness. He might press you into the bedsheets or grab a fistful of your hair - but there is always, always lucid thought behind those crude actions. Death is what they call a service top. For him, sex is a performance which he has the obligation to deliver. Don’t tell him to “stop thinking so much.” He cannot do that.

War is his brother’s polar opposite. Sex brings out his primal side (not that one has to dig that deep to find it). He’s one of those creatures that run on instinct, completely submerging themselves in the flow of the moment and in the fluctuations of their own desire. He gets entangled in you to the point of complete lack of self-awareness. Things might get clumsy with War, but if you take it in stride, so will he.

Strife combines both approaches. He can be effortlessly, routinely amazing in bed; he’s slept with so many people that he knows all the tricks. He’s a keen observer of your reactions, so every next time will be more fine-tuned to you than the last was. But all this skill doesn’t make him detached or glib...because Strife genuinely enjoys your enjoyment. Sex with him is all about the emotional connection, the being together in the now. And about laughter, cause he’ll gladly sacrifice his Macho Man trappings for a good joke.

#darksiders #finally something a bit smutty #eh #darksiders death #darksiders war #darksiders strife #don't ask me to choose just one #who would've chosen just one?

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early2000smovieimagines · 4 years

Text

Meeting and Dating Rafe McCawley

(My gif) (Requested by @minigranger )

(I’m so sorry this took so long! I’m trying really hard to write more often on all my blogs!)

- You and your family lived in the same town as Rafe so even though you didn’t directly meet him until you were older, you still saw him around a lot growing up.

- For as long as he could remember, he had always had a massive crush on you. No, not just a crush, this boy was in love with you ever since he first saw you at the general store when you were kids.

- Anytime he saw you, he’d stop and stare like an angel just walked past him. And to him you were an angel, one he needed to have for himself. If only he had the guts to talk to you.

- He did in fact gain the courage to ask you out on a date but only after he got older and grew out of his awkward gangly teenage phase.

- You were genuinely surprised when he approached you for the first time, introducing himself with such urgency and determination that you couldn’t help but feel as though you were the most important thing in the world. He really powered through his confession like his life depended on it which was honestly pretty adorable to you.

“Ma’am? My name is Rafe McCawley and please excuse me, but I just need to get this off of my chest. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, inside and out, and you would make me the happiest man on Earth if you were to say you’d join me on a date.”

- Who could say no to that?

- The smile you gave him once he was finished made his knees weak. He almost couldn’t believe his ears once you agreed, it was like all his dreams had come true. He quickly told you he’d pick you up at noon the next day before clumsily making his exit, running home to tell Danny everything that had happened.

- He was so excited for your date that he literally arrived at your house thirty minutes early and waited outside, checking his watch until he deemed it appropriate to ring your doorbell. He was nearly speechless when you answered, handing you a bouquet of flowers before finally forcing out a “god, you are so beautiful”.

- He took you to a gorgeous lake where the two of you sat in the shade of a big willow tree and had a pretty little picnic. He was adorably clumsy throughout your whole date which only made you fall for him even more. He confessed that he’d liked you for a long time now and you confessed the same which caught him completely off guard.

- The thing about Rafe is that deep down, he’s a shy loser. He can’t flirt for the life of him but god can he make a girl swoon without even trying. He wins your love with earnest compliments and sweet nothings that come straight from his heart.

- You have your first kiss that same day, bathed in the setting sun and surrounded by the smell of warm dry air and flowers. It’s deliciously soft and beautifully slow, making your heart race and your mind stop.

- You’ve been two fools in love ever since and you’ve got no intention of stopping anytime soon.

- He wants everyone to know that you’re together so expect a lot of pda. Handholding, soft kisses, hugs, his arm wrapped around you, etc. It’s all very innocent but it sends a message and makes you both happy.

- You catch him watching you a lot, often with this little smile on his face that tells you exactly what he’s thinking. How did I get so lucky.

- Passionate kisses.

- Spontaneous and adventurous dates and decisions. Most of them get ruined somehow but neither of you mind, the temporary thrill is amazing and the get-away is always amusing.

- Even though you don’t come from much, he tries his best to make you feel like the classiest woman alive. Champagne, roses, diamonds, whatever he can get his hands on.

- Folded cranes and other sentimental gifts. Both of you smile every time you see them.

- He likes pressing kisses all over your face before he finally captures your lips in his. He adores the little giggles you make whenever he does it.

- He wraps both his arms around you in a bear hug when the two of you cuddle. He can hardly sleep without holding you close, almost as though he’s afraid you’ll disappear in the night

- He’s pretty clumsy so you’ll have to take care of your fair share of cuts and bruises.

- Hearing about all of his adventures with Danny. Some of them are so outrageous that you can’t believe they’re real no matter how much he laughingly assures you they are.

- He’s going to give you a complex with how much he compliments you. It’s kind of funny though because as much as he compliments you, he often gets pretty flustered when you do the same.

- He uses a lot of pet names on you but you think you like it best when he calls you by your name. There’s just something so nice about the way he says it.

- Sitting on his lap and snuggling close.

- Soft caresses, he can never seem to keep his hands off of you.

- Pulling his hat off his head so that you can kiss him. When you pull away, he likes to teasingly place it on yours, calling you captain and asking what you feel like doing.

- There’s a lot of teasing in your relationship but it’s the “so sweet it’ll rot your teeth” kind of teasing.

- Getting carried around bridal style.

- Taking long walks together. He likes having a chance to get away from everybody and just spend some quality time with you.

- He’s taken you on a plane ride at least once, he’s either very glad that you share his love for flying or finds it cutely amusing when you get scared.

- Even though he’s fond of thrills, he does enjoy just spending a quiet night in with you.

- Whenever he goes to order food or drinks for the two of you, he’ll hand you some money to go spend on the jukebox while you wait for him. He thinks it’s cute when you skip off all excited to pick a song.

- Going to the cinema together.

- Photo booth pictures.

- Going dancing.

- Sneaky butt touches, he tries his best to act innocent but you know he’s a liar.

- Tight hugs, he often lifts you up and spins you around whenever you wrap your arms around him.

- He always tries his best to act like he isn’t sick or hurt but he rarely manages to do so convincingly. A lot of the time he can’t help but give up, apologize and admit that yes, he feels about ready to die. He want’s you to think he’s all tough and macho but he doesn’t have quite the pain tolerance or acting skills for it.

- He likes for everything to be special when he’s with you, he loves making memories together and having things to look forward to the next time he sees you.

- It always warms his heart to hear you talk about your future together or how much your parents like him. He loves knowing that you’re planing to stay with him and that he’s already a part of your family.

- At the start of your relationship, he tried desperately to hide his disability from you, thinking that, for some ungodly reason, you’d stop loving him and think that he was stupid. You reassure him that that would never happen and help him whenever he needs you to.

- Sometimes he just likes having you read different books to him or recount the plots of books that you’ve read. He loves your voice and being able to experience stories without the difficulty of trying to read them.

- He’s insecure but in a secretive, no one would know, type of way. Anyone who doesn’t know him well would never be able to tell but you can see through the cracks and know exactly what he’s thinking most of the time.

- He’s a pretty jealous guy, he takes people flirting with or being interested in you very personally and has definitely gotten into fights over you. He just cares about you too much to let someone “disrespect your relationship” like that.

- He might be willing to let you go if you don’t love him anymore but god will it be hard for him. He firmly believes a part of him will always love you no matter what happens between the two of you.

- You rarely ever fight, there’s hardly ever a reason to, your relationship is pretty much perfect. But on that rare occasion that you do, you’ll both just calmly get everything off of your chest before you resolve whatever needs to be resolved.

- He doesn’t lose his temper with you very often. The very thought makes him sick so if he feels he’s like he’s going to snap, he’ll take a few moments to calm down on his own before attempting to fix things with you. It doesn’t take long for everything to be sorted out and for you to go back to your happy, in love selves.

- He always tries his best to be there for you, offering you reassurance and a shoulder to cry on whenever you need.

- He often treats you very gently even though he knows you won’t break. It’s just been drilled in his head that you treat a woman with care because they’re “gentle creatures”.

- He’s very protective of you, he always makes sure you know that he’d never let anything happen to you.

- He does everything he can to see you as much as possible especially after he gets accepted into the army.

- Sending each other letters when he goes away.

- He keeps a picture of you on him at all times. He’s probably kissed it a few times.

- He also has a necklace of yours that you gave to him when he first went away. It helps to keep him from missing you too much. Whenever he see’s it shining in his reflection he can’t help but feel better yet melancholy at the same time.

- No matter how many times he has to do it, saying goodbye never gets any easier. He hates having to leave you, not being able to see you for such long lengths of time is torture.

- He always promises to come back as soon as possible and you hold him to that promise, saying you’ll drag him back yourself if you have to.

- Having your entire world shatter around you when you receive the news of his death. You bawl your eyes out for weeks, not being able to believe that it’s true.

- Thinking you’ve died and went to heaven when he arrives at your door safe and sound. All you can do is fall into his arms and refuse to let go. Nothing will ever top the feeling of getting him back.

- Constant “I love you’s” not a day goes by when he doesn’t say it to you, at least when you’re together in person. He can’t help but swoon every time you tell him the same, especially when you say it out of nowhere,

- He dreams of settling down with you, starting a family and living on a cozy little farm together. A future with fields of green, laughter and love. What more could a man ask for?

#rafe imagine #rafe headcanons #rafe headcanon #rafe mccawley imagine #rafe mccawley headcanons #rafe mccawley headcanon #pearl harbor 2001 #rafe mccawley pearl harbor #pearl harbor imagine #pearl harbor headcanons #pearl harbor headcanon #early 2000s

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highandlowculture · 4 years

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MEET THE NEW WEST, SAME AS THE OLD WEST

In the second act of Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood, washed-up actor Rick Dalton is on the set of a TV western as his stuntman and best buddy, Cliff Booth is revisiting Spahn Ranch, a former set for movie westerns. The ranch has been taken over by a bunch of hippies who follow some guy name “Charlie”. The heavy of the hippies is a fella by the name of Tex Watson. When conflict arises between Cliff and the hippies, one of the girls runs off to fetch Tex, who’s busy showing a tourist couple around the ranch. Hearing that there’s trouble brewing, Tex snaps to it, galloping across the western landscape on horseback and wearing a black hat. It’s a sweeping shot straight out of a John Ford film. That’s when it clicked for me…

Tarantino has made his third western.

Although there were always spaghetti western elements in his films (especially in Kill Bill vol. 2), QT hadn’t made a full-fledged western until 2012’s Django Unchained. Though entertaining and with an African-American lead, the film is his most straight-forward movie. We know who the heroes are, we know who the villains are. Wrongs are righted with a six-shooter and a hero’s grin. Its followup was another western, 2015‘s The Hateful Eight, a much darker and far less heroic film. All of the characters are flawed if not outrightly fucked-up. If Django Unchained was the sumptuously shot crowd pleaser, The Hateful Eight was the claustrophobic, nihilistic reversal. The western myth of heroes and villains is subverted by an unsavory group of characters who drag each other through snow, blood and racial slurs. Maybe the Old West was a pretty rough place to live in after all!

And now, in 2019, QT transports us to another Old West: 1969 Hollywood.

Fifty years ago. Half a century. Pretty old, right?

Already contentious with reviewers, one of the main debates surrounding Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood is its handling of Sharon Tate and the Manson Family. In the summer of ’69, when Tate, her unborn baby and her houseguests were brutally murdered by three members of the Manson Family, it sent shockwaves throughout Hollywood and America. The utopian dream of the 1960s was over. That’s the sanitized, less complicated history anyway. At the time many people were blaming satanism and Tate’s husband Roman Polanski for his hedonistic ways. Plus anyone deep in the trenches of late 60s hipdom knew that some of the peace-and-love spouting Flower Children might be psychopaths that could turn on a dime. Such darkness was foreshadowed in the music of The Doors and Velvet Underground. As Joan Didion recalled in her seminal work The White Album:

“Black masses were imagined, and bad trips blamed. I remembered all of the day’s misinformation very clearly, and I also remember this, and wish I did not: I remember that no one was surprised.”

Knowing this I find it disappointing just how many reviewers fail to see how sympathetic QT is to Sharon and her friends. They’re shown as cool people with a good vibe (only Roman is shown to be prickish when he speaks rudely to a dog). Sharon and Jay Sebring like to listen to records and enjoy life. No satanism. No orgies. And Sharon’s a generous person. She picks up hippie hitchhikers and buys her husband a Thomas Hardy novel. She relishes the communal experience of watching herself in the Dean Martin film The Wrecking Crew. It’s not just about her. She’s enjoying the connection she’s making with the theater’s audience. On the infamous August night, the film’s narrator talks about how Sharon, in the late stage of her pregnancy, was feeling hot and anxious. In short, Sharon is humanized. She’s a thoughtful, spirited and benevolent presence throughout the film. I think reviewers who view her just as “a Barbie doll” are revealing more of their own lack of empathy than QT’s. And people getting hung-up on how many lines her character speaks have some skewed priorities. As if the only way a person has worth is if they talk a lot. Talking. Talking. Talking. There are so many empty vessels running at the mouth these days. Social media voices bombard us constantly. There’s something to be said for some quiet dignity every once in awhile. Regardless, Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood isn’t Sharon’s film and it’s not a biopic. It’s Rick and Cliff’s film and it’s a western.

If comedy is “tragedy plus time”, then the same can be said for any work of art. The mythology of the Old West often mixed historical and fictional characters. Whether they were Billy The Kid, Wyatt Earp or Butch Cassidy, we’ve seen countless retellings of their exploits, never exactly the same, never entirely accurate. That’s what makes it a myth. A good portion is made-up. Going back to Homeric and Arthurian legends, the foundation of storytelling has always been a collision of fact and fiction, chronicle and embellishment. People make too much of QT altering historic events. Are the Nazis of Inglourious Basterds and the Manson Family of Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood any different than any other mythical villains of earlier works of art? If a filmmaker can’t riff on a fifty-year-old historical event, then what are we really doing here? Do we just want the cinema of Marvel Comics and discreet biopics? QT doesn’t treat history any different than the filmmakers of the 1960s treated the events of the 1860s. Tex Watson, galloping away in his black hat, is a signpost for this. It’s QT’s way of saying: “Every time has its myths, every time has its black hats and white hats”. And the Manson Family, filled with bloodlust and megalomania from the top down, fulfill the role of black-hatted villains quite perfectly.

Does this make Rick and Cliff, two middle-aged white guys who love booze and hate hippies, our white-hatted heroes? Hell, no. With the exception of Django Unchained, that was never QT’s bag. He’s all about the anti heroes of spaghetti westerns and Sam Peckinpah films. Men who have done plenty of bad, sometimes unspeakable, things. They’re only the hero because they wrestle with their past and because there’s always a meaner, badder fella waiting to shoot it out with ‘em. Clint Eastwood’s character in the The Good, the Bad and the Ugly is only “Good” because Lee Van Cleef is so clearly “Bad” (and Eli Wallach “Ugly”). In 1992’s The Unforgiven, Eastwood’s character talks of killing “women and children” in his past. Yet he’s still clearly our hero. The Old West is a morally complex time in which one’s heroism is often defined by a greater and competing villainy.

So when it’s revealed that Cliff possibly murdered his wife and got away with it, he’s stepping into the role of anti hero with a dark past. Is Cliff haunted by his past? Not seemingly. He’s more inclined to shrug it off with a smirk and swig of beer. Shit happens y’know. This makes him exactly the type of guy murderous hippies shouldn’t fuck with. They justify their bloodlust with a self-serving philosophical bent: Entertainers taught them to kill via TV and movies, so it’s okay to kill the people who are involved in making TV and movies. QT makes the bold and provocative choice to not confirm whether Cliff did or didn’t kill his wife, but if he did, he probably wouldn’t dress it up as anything other than a burst of brutish violence that he was lucky to get away with. He loves his dog though, and he’s a good friend. In real life that might not justify liking the guy, but in a western that’s usually enough. Ultimately these character choices made by QT are to set up a mythic showdown between Cliff and the Manson Family. He’s good because they’re bad. It’s the same reason Cliff was shown going head-to-head with Bruce Lee. Masked racism by QT, a known lover of Asian and martial arts films, or a way of building up Cliff’s status to mythical proportions? There was once this ex war hero, who became a stuntman and maybe killed his wife, and he once threw Bruce Lee into a car door on the set of The Green Hornet! Cliff is Paul Bunyan. He’s Bill Brasky. A folk hero for stuntmen and for his time.

And did you hear that one tale about Cliff and the Manson Family…?

Rick’s bread and butter is now guest-starring on various TV shows in which he plays the heavy and gets his ass kicked by the show’s star at the end of the episode. Rick is a boozy, bloated hot mess of a man who’s prone to crying. A lot. His first burst of tears in the film is at the Musso & Frank parking lot, after an agent gives Rick a harsh dose of reality regarding the state of his career. Cliff, always keeping his cool, gives Rick his sunglasses and says, “Don’t cry in front of the Mexicans.” Remember — this is a western. Anyway, if Cliff fills the role of macho, gives no fucks, murderous outlaw, Rick is the contrasting “modern man” or, to use a western term, “tenderfoot”. The film begins with a behind the scenes segment for Rick’s old show Bounty Law. In it an interviewer talks to Rick and Cliff about what a stuntman does. During the interview there’s a quip about Cliff carrying Rick’s load. So right out of the gate, QT brings our attention to the idea that Cliff is the real deal and Rick’s the actor playing a role. This notion is repeated throughout the film (even one of the Manson Girls, “Pussy”, makes reference to Cliff being more authentic because he’s a stuntman rather than an actor). Regardless of whether Cliff murdered his wife or not, he’s an ex military man and war hero, so obviously he’s killed people before. So in addition to taking falls and performing dangerous stunts for Rick, he’s more of a bona fide western anti hero than Rick ever could be. Fittingly, while Cliff and the Manson Family black hats are sizing each other up at Spahn Ranch, Rick is busy acting in a TV western. And Rick keeps crying. A lot. He even cries in front of a little girl who simultaneously coddles and reprimands him. No doubt, Cliff would view this as potentially worse than crying in front of Mexicans. But Rick can’t help himself. He’s both a man of his time and out of time. He can’t roll with the hippies and spaghetti westerns but he’d never last a day in Cliff’s shoes let alone the wild frontier. Even at the end, in which Rick finally gets the chance to become an avenging hero (involving possibly the greatest payoff in cinematic history) if one steps back and thinks of the climactic set-piece, Rick is merely stepping in at the end to grab all the glory after Cliff and his wonderful dog Brandy did most of the heavy lifting. Thus Cliff is yet again carrying Rick’s load.

But this doesn’t mean Rick doesn’t have a victory. He does. It just comes at the midpoint, and it’s the closest thing to a real-life victory in the film. When Rick shows up to play the heavy in the TV western, he’s reached his low-point. Like a different part of the anatomy going into ice-water in Raging Bull, Rick is submerging his face into ice-water in his trailer, struggling with a hangover and hopelessness. Making matters worse, the artsy director shows up and tells Rick he wants him to play a hippie-style outlaw with a fringe jacket, mustache and long hair. The only thing Rick does more than drink and cry is insult hippies. He’s living his worst nightmare as an actor. QT makes another one of his most interesting choices by showing the subsequent scenes from the TV show in the same film stock and style as the main narrative. Thus when juxtaposed to Cliff at Spahn Ranch, Rick’s battle with his growing irrelevance as an actor is given the same cinematic weight. This isn’t just a TV show within the movie — it is the movie! This battle or showdown is just as important as Cliff’s eventual showdown with the Manson Family. Rick struggles. He fucks up his lines. He comes totally unglued in his trailer. This looks like the end of the road for him as an actor. He eventually gets his shit together, embraces the role and goes for broke. It’s a credit to both QT as a filmmaker and Leo DiCaprio as an actor that the villain Rick plays in the TV show ends up being more intense and visceral than the one he played in the main narrative of Django Unchained. Rick’s chops as an actor are restored and he decides to go to Italy and star in spaghetti westerns. He learns to maximize his talent in order to roll with the times.

A protagonist who is at odds with changing times might seem regressive or even reactionary to some people today, but it’s also a hallmark of westerns, especially the westerns of the late 1960s and early 1970s. From Once Upon a Time in the West to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, an impending future of railroads and industrialization is always treated with uneasiness by the heroes. These changing times aren’t going to include them. Their wild and free ways will soon come to an end. Nowhere is this theme most prominent than in the work of Sam Peckinpah. In many of his westerns, The Wild Bunch, The Ballad of Cable Hogue, Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid, the heroes are viewed as endangered creatures who are all too aware of their fate. The character of Cable Hogue even meets his end when a motor car rolls over him. He’s killed by the modern age! Another Peckinpah film from this era, Junior Bonner, is set in 1972 Arizona but can also be considered a western (creating a template for QT’s western that’s not set in the canonical “Old West”). The protagonist and title character is an aging rodeo star (brilliantly played by Steve McQueen, who perhaps not so coincidentally also appears in QT’s film). In Peckinpah’s film, Junior has lost his edge and returns home to take a breather and maybe get his chops back. His struggle is not unlike Rick Dalton’s. They’re both aging entertainers and they both fear they’re washed-up. And as with all of Peckinpah’s westerns, encroaching progress is a threat to Junior’s simple cowboy ways. All of these above mentioned westerns are filled with a bittersweet quality; a nostalgic snapshot that’s destined to become yellow and brittle. The power of myths is they suggest immortality for our heroes.They might be long gone but they live through these tales. Whether’s it’s the Old West of outlaws in dusty little towns or the Old West of ’69 Hollywood, people once lived in these places and they lived vibrant, foolhardy and sometimes dangerous lives. Maybe they didn’t live or die exactly as the tale accounts, but they did indeed live and they did indeed die.

In his film QT references another “man out of time” western: The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean. Written by John Milius, directed by John Huston and starring Paul Newman, the film is a highly-fictionalized account of the life of Judge Roy Bean. At the climax an elderly Roy Bean reemerges from a self-imposed exile to have a showdown with businessmen who have surrounded his beloved town with oil rigs. When his enemies ask who he is, Roy Bean shouts “Justice, you sons of bitches!” This is immediately followed by a shootout in which Roy defeats his foes, blows up the surrounding oil rigs and goes out in a blaze of glory. In real life Roy Bean died in his bed after a heavy bout of drinking. What’s most interesting is how QT referenced The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean. After the climax of Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood there’s a triumphant but wistful epilogue in which one of our heroes is faced with a future that we all know is a fantasy. Over this scene is an evocative piece of music that sounds like it’s from a fairytale and it plays over the end credits. The piece of music is entitled “Miss Lillie Langtry” and it’s the main theme from The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean. Lillie Langtry was a British-American socialite Roy Bean was enamored with and he even went so far to name the saloon in his town after her. “Miss Lille Langtry” plays over the end credits of Once Upon a Time… In Hollywood and the opening credits of The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean. But before the credits in Roy Bean we see written in storybook fashion:

“Near the turn of the last century the Pecos River marked the boundaries of civilization in western Texas. West of the Pecos there was no law, no order, and only bad men and rattlesnakes lived there.

…Maybe this isn’t the way it was… it’s the way it should be.”

With Once Upon a Time… In Hollywood, Quentin Tarantino pays homage to a socialite/actress who was tragically murdered before her time and two endangered heroes—one an outlaw stuntman, the other an entertainer—neither of who existed but men like them did. For two hours and forty-five minutes, the onward march of tragedy and time is defeated through a spirited, Old West mix of bravado and audacity. Maybe it’s not the way it was…

But it’s the way it should be.

#Quentin Tarantino #Once Upon A Time In Hollywood #western #hollywood

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orionsangel86 · 5 years

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75 Must Watch Supernatural Episodes in preparation for Season 15

As you might recall, a while ago TV Guide posted an article about their choice of the top 75 episodes of Supernatural to watch as a catch up of the series before the final season.

I read that article, and found myself absolutely horrified at many of their choices and outraged that many of the all time best episodes (including ones extremely important to the story) were missed off.

Everyone has their own opinions of course, but when I disagree with something that much it tends to motivate me to act out of pure spite - I do love a good spite motivation - and so I have made my own list, for the fandom, of the 75 absolute must watch episodes for anyone who wants to understand the integral story of Supernatural.

I have to hand it to TV Guide, whilst I adamantly disagreed with their choices, I admit that this was EXTREMELY DIFFICULT and having to sacrifice some of my faves so that I could include others that were more important to the story HURT, but that’s how it is.

Full list under the cut. Let me know what you think of my choices and my reasons!

1. Pilot

You cannot start a series catch up anywhere else, and we have to include the pilot episode. Introducing us to Sam and Dean, and setting up the story including the back story with the family tragedy. You just can’t beat a good old fashioned female fridging for man pain. *jokes*

2. 1x06 Skin

I feel like Skin is an important episode to watch as it is our first real look at Dean’s psyche as a character, where we start to realise just how much he is hiding behind his tough macho man exterior. The speech by Shifter!Dean to a horrified and confused Sam is heartbreaking and very revealing.

3. 1x12 Faith

This is still hands down one of Supernaturals best episodes. It was also the first time Kripke started considering a bigger mytharc involving faith and Christianity. We can all thank this episode for planting the seeds that would later give us the hugely popular character Castiel, and the hugely successful mytharc plots of Seasons 4 and 5. Also, one of the best music moments from the show with the “Don’t Fear The Reaper” chase scene.

4. 1x14 Nightmare

This episode introduces us to the Special Children story line which was of paramount importance to the first two seasons. It gives us the first glimpses of Sam’s powers to come, and is also the first time we get some hints of John Winchesters abuse of Dean.

5. 1x18 Something Wicked

I chose this episode because it is the first time we get to see more of Sam and Dean’s childhood, and how horrific it was - especially for Dean. A brilliant episode that once again clearly demonstrates how John Winchester is not a man to be messed with. If at this point you aren’t itching to call child services on his ass you probably need to read up on your understanding of child abuse.

6. 1x22 Devils Trap

The Season 1 finale gives us the show down between John Winchester and the Yellow Eyed Demon Azazel, some heartbreaking moments between father and sons, and a cliffhanger that leaves Baby and Dean both broken.

7. 2x01 In My Time of Dying

I love this episode. Dean’s out of body experience at the hospital, Sam’s grief, John’s deal, Tessa’s introduction to the show. C’est magnifique!

8. 2.05 Simon Said

I just think Simon Said is a great episode that further develops the special children plot whilst being both funny and dark at its core - classic SPN.

9. 2.15 Tall Tales

Our introduction to Gabriel - well, to the trickster as he is known here. This episode is gloriously funny and a must watch!

10. 2.21 All Hell Breaks Loose: Parts One and two

Okay I’m cheating a bit and putting these two episodes together, but in my opinion they count as their own feature length episode as you can’t watch one without the other. The climax of the special children arc, the deeply emotional Sam death scene and Dean’s bedside vigil, and Dean selling his soul. This two part season finale packed a lot of punches and is a definite must watch.

11. 3.03 Bad Day at Black Rock

How can anyone forget Sam’s run of bad luck in this hilarious episode. He LOST HIS SHOE!

12. 3.10 Dream a Little Dream of Me

This is another must watch episode for the deep dive into Dean’s psyche. We also get more of a backstory to Bobby Singer, but the real brilliance happens when Dean spends part of the episode talking to his own dark mirror, revealing all sorts of subconscious fears and insecurities on his part.

13. 3.11 Mystery Spot

I couldn’t not put Mystery Spot on the list. This infamous episode of Supernatural will have you singing “Heat of the Moment” over and over again whilst sympathising with poor Sam every time Tuesday comes around. Don’t let Dean eat the funny tasting tacos!

14. 3.16 No Rest for the Wicked

In lots of ways, Season 3 was a weak season. It was drastically shortened due to the writers strike at the time, and Kripke & Co didn’t get to tell the story they initially planned for, instead they had to come up with an alternative which gave us this dark finale in which Dean is condemned to hell. That can’t have been a fun hiatus for fans watching live... Still, it was a memorable finale and that is why it is on my list.

15. 4.01 Lazarus Rising

This episode. Here begins Supernaturals “golden age”. Enter Castiel, Angel of the Lord and future fan favourite right up until 2k19. How many people out in the world saw that now famous entrance and immediately fell in love?

*holds up hand*

If you do nothing else, and you’ve never seen a single episode of Supernatural before, just watch this one, and I guarantee, I GUARANTEE, you will want to keep watching.

16. 4.07 It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester

The problem I have with season 4 is that I want to put basically every episode on the list. To this day it remains my favourite season of the show (and not just for the extreme DeanCas sexual tension). I kept this episode on the list simply because I love the Halloween theme, I love the frankly horrifying Samhain, and I LOVE the journey that Castiel goes through in this episode alone. Bonus points for Sam Winchester fangirling over Castiel proving he is no different from the rest of us. :P

17. 4.16 On the Head of a Pin

I say season 4 is my favourite season, and On the Head of a Pin is one of my all time favourite episodes. This is Supernatural at it’s finest and it’s not surprising as it was written by the great Ben Edlund. It is a perfect blend of horror and angst as we watch every character painfully spiral downwards. Sam hungrily drinks Ruby’s blood much to the audiences horror, Castiel faces his internal and external conflicts as all starts to unravel in the heavenly plans, and Dean plays a terrifying game of wits in an outstanding performance with the demon Alistair, his hellish torturer. It was a performance that Jensen Ackles should have won an Emmy for in my honest opinion. This episode has forever ruined the song “Cheek to Cheek” for me, but it was so worth it.

18. 4.17 It's a Terrible Life

It’s one of the classics. This AU world in which the angels flex their power over the Winchesters is another well loved fan favourite and quite frankly deserves to be here purely for the hilarious scene that many office workers all over the world would wish they could reenact as Sam quits his job in the most Sam Winchester way possible.

19. 4.20 The Rapture

I had to keep this episode here because it is so important for future story lines. As Castiel gets closer to Dean, heaven takes action and we meet Jimmy Novak, Cas’s tormented vessel, and in Castiel’s own future words “his greatest regret”. It’s a deeply emotional episode that proves even angels have their dark sides.

20. 4.22 Lucifer Rising

The Season 4 finale is still one of the most epic in my opinion. Sam and Dean’s dramatic fight in the episode before has left them both vulnerable to the angels and demons that are manipulating them for their own purposes. Ruby’s villain reveal speech is still one of the best, and as she shows her true colours to a horrified Sam, Dean makes an angel fall for him. In every way.

21. 5.03 Free to Be You and Me

This episode is another classic and many fans of Destiel would put it among their top episodes. As Sam and Dean go their separate ways, Dean grows closer to a now fallen and socially awkward Castiel.

22. 5.04 The End

Another epic from the mastermind that is Ben Edlund. The End has inspired much extremely angst ridden fanfiction over the years (and a very romantic song in a future musical episode) and is notorious for breaking fans hearts the world over. As Dean is unwillingly sent to a future apocalyptic world, he meets his harsh and brutal future self, and a drug addled hedonistic human Castiel. The most memorable and painful moment being his confrontation with a sharply dressed Lucifer wearing his brothers face. Tears flowed freely from fans the night this episode aired.

23. 5.08 Changing Channels

Changing Channels is another of those infamous episodes that even non fans of SPN are aware of for it’s sheer lunacy. Sam and Dean once again find themselves up against the trickster aka the archangel Gabriel, who puts them into a TV world where they must “play their roles” in order to survive.

Highlights include Sam’s herpes commercial and Dean’s heart eyes for Doctor Sexy MD.

24. 5.16 Dark Side of the Moon

Dark Side of the Moon is a beautiful episode. The race through heaven and through each Winchester’s memories gives us a far greater understanding of their complex and troubled relationship. The heartbreaking scenes of Dean’s heaven with his mother that Sam could not be part of were especially painful to watch. The climax reveal that God wasn’t listening and Castiel’s subsequent loss of faith only added to that heartbreak. Another must see episode.

25. 5.18 Point of No Return

As is the case with season 4, it was so difficult not to just put every season 5 episode on this list. I do think that both seasons just need to be watched in full to truly grasp how brilliant they were. Point of No Return needs to be on this list though because this episode is the breaking point, the tensions remain high throughout as each character makes desperate choices as they all spiral towards the Endtimes.

26. 5.22 Swan Song

Swan Song is often considered the number 1 top episode of Supernatural. It is always at the top of these “rank the episodes” lists in the media, and that is why it is on my list too. It is brilliant in many ways, but if I am being completely honest it doesn’t even come close to the top of my own personal list ranking SPN episodes. It is certainly emotional, and there are some extremely heartbreaking scenes. Lucifer plays his hand, Dean plays his right back with the power of love, Sam makes his swan dive. It’s heartbreaking, it needs to be watched, but the “endings are hard” meta moan by Kripke always felt slightly too pretentious for my tastes. Don’t make excuses dude, this episode didn’t need them.

27. 6.11 Appointment in Samarra

I’ll be honest, I didn’t like season 6. Whilst some of the individual episodes were good, the mytharc was weak and I think the season struggled to find it’s feet for many episodes at the start. I didn’t like soulless Sam, preferring my Sammy to be the compassionate caring sweetheart he always was before. That being said, Appointment in Samarra is a brilliant standalone episode simply because the character of Death is so very compelling. Dean’s time playing Death was fun whilst also being a deeply emotional exploration of cause and effect in the universe. It’s a must watch.

28. 6.15 The French Mistake

I couldn’t not put this episode on the list. If Season 6 did one thing right, it was this ridiculous episode.

29. 6.20 The Man Who Would Be King

The only other thing Season 6 did right. 6x20 is Ben Edlund’s masterpiece and without it, frankly, the entire mytharc plot of the season would fail miserably. This beautiful episode told from the point of view of a hugely conflicted Castiel not only birthed an entire new generation of Destiel shippers, but canonically confirmed that Castiel’s every decision was motivated by his love for Dean.

*Ouch my shipper heart*

30. 6.22 The Man Who Knew Too Much

The season 6 finale is on this list purely for two characters: Sam and Cas. Sam’s journey to put himself back together inside his own head is as enjoyable as it is emotional. Castiel’s spiralling through into utter villainy is simply soul destroying - especially for those of us who are heavily invested in this character.

31. 7.01 Meet the New Boss

I had to keep the season 7 premiere in this episode as it is the only hint we have of what could have been an AMAZING season story line! Sadly, it was not to be, and Castiel’s run as God lasts this episode only before a very misguided showrunner wrote him off the show (thankfully she saw reason and brought him back dramatically later on, even though the damage and huge drop in ratings was already done.) Worth watching purely for enjoying a power drunk Castiel wipe out a homophobic preacher - he really doesn’t like those homophobes!

32. 7.10 Death's Door

The first time I watched Death’s Door I sobbed for 20 minutes straight. Bobby Singer was the best father Sam and Dean (and Castiel at times) could have ever had, and this heartfelt goodbye to the character as he fought against his reaper and his own memories really packed a punch.

33. 7.17 The Born-Again Identity

The episode that turned it all around. The Born-Again Identity sees a desperate Dean take a chance on a mysterious healer to help a haunted Sam. That healer turns out to be everything Dean has been waiting for. Castiel’s dramatic return to the series answered both Deans, and many fans, prayers.

34. 7.20 The Girl with the Dungeons and Dragons Tattoo

The introduction of Charlie Bradbury was a must on this list. She immediately became a fan favourite with her upbeat quirkiness. Created to be an avatar for fandom in many ways, she was a breath of fresh air compared to the previous fan avatar the show introduced us too who the less we mention the better. This episode was a lighthearted fun episode in an otherwise downright depressing season.

35. 7.23 Survival of the Fittest

It’s a must watch for the dick jokes alone. In all seriousness, I like this episode, even if it is another weak finale compared to others. The dynamic between Dean, Sam, Meg, and a Castiel who isn’t quite himself, is enjoyable, even if the villain of the season isn’t all that interesting.

36. 8.02 What's Up, Tiger Mommy?

Where the season 8 premiere focused on the present day, and what Sam had been doing in the year between the season 7 finale and now, episode 2 focuses more on purgatory. Dean’s time in purgatory desperately hunting for an AWOL Castiel is definitely worth the watch, especially when their purgatory reunion was so heartbreaking. Bonus points for Sam being worthy of Mjolnir!

37. 8.07 A Little Slice of Kevin

I make no secret of the fact that Castiel is my favourite character in Supernatural, or my love of Dean and Castiel’s relationship. This episode is on my list because Castiel’s return to the real world and an emotional Dean gets my fangirl heart pounding. This episode must use every romantic trope in the book on these two heartbroken dumbasses and it will always be a favourite.

38. 8.08 Hunteri Heroici

This episode is another one of my favourite. The boys finally bring Cas along on an otherwise regular monster of the week hunt, and it is hilarious. Not to mention the hunt is extremely loony and for that reason alone, it is a must watch.

39. 8.11 LARP and the Real Girl

The reintroduction of Charlie Bradbury is a delightful episode where the boys get a taste of LARPING. This is one of those memorable episodes where we get to see the Winchesters both out of their element, and also embracing a bit of fun outside of their normal dark lives. It is a joyful episode to watch.

40. 8.12 As Time Goes By

An integral episode that ends up being a game changer for the show. Thanks to a time travel spell, the boys find out their grandfather was part of a secret organisation. This episode is a must watch for the introduction of Abaddon, the Men of Letters, and the Winchester’s new home base that will see them through to the end of the series - the Bunker.

41. 8.17 Goodbye Stranger

Goodbye Stranger is one of those episodes that will break your heart and leave you screaming. Castiel finally breaks free from heavens grasp - but what broke the connection?

42. 8.23 Sacrifice

I adore the season 8 finale. Crowley’s confession, Sam’s heartbreaking speech which kicked off a long ongoing arc over the next 6 seasons exploring the darker side of the Winchester’s codependency, Metatron’s betrayal, and Castiel’s fall to humanity. The final scene with the angels fall to Earth is beautiful and emotional and I just love everything about it.

43. 9.01 I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here

The season 9 premiere is another deeply emotional episode which explores the aftermath of Sam’s trials to close the gates of hell. Sam is once again on deaths door, but Dean has ideas to save him - and his choices drastically affect the course of both brothers, and Castiel’s, lives for the next several seasons of pain and downward spirals into darkness.

44. 9.06 Heaven Can't Wait

The first ever episode written by our angst goblin king Bobo Berens and what a first episode it was. This episode was like a twisted mix between tragedy and romantic comedy but it worked brilliantly. Fans of Dean and Cas both laughed and wept at it’s perfection. It also was the episode that birthed a thousand fanfics thanks to one well placed “fanfiction gap”.

45. 9.11 First Born

This episode is one of the highlights of Season 9, with a brilliant performance by Timothy Omundson as Cain, this episode sees Dean make the terrible mistake of signing a contract before reading the terms and conditions. Bonus side plot of Sam and Cas getting some Bunker bonding time.

46. 9.18 Meta Fiction

This Castiel focused episode from the genius mind of Robbie Thompson is another must watch. The villainous Metatron manipulates Cas into playing a role in his own scripted story. Bonus guest appearance from fan favourite Gabriel adds to the appeal of this episode. (Following the season 14 finale I can’t help but wonder if this episode had some influence on the current writing team - could we even call it foreshadowing?)

47. 9.23 Do You Believe in Miracles?

The season 9 finale was another very strong episode which must be watched if only for the huge cliffhanger ending. Dean spirals into his own darkness under the effects of the Mark of Cain, and pays for it with his life. Thankfully Crowley is there to make things “better” and take the wayward Winchester under his demonic wing.

48. 10.03 Soul Survivor

Like many others, I feel that we were robbed of a longer Demon!Dean arc. I also feel like the show could have gone far darker with the character given everything we know about poor Dean’s psyche. Whilst episodes 1 and 2 took a lighter touch the demon, Soul Survivor was as close as we got to a truly evil representation of Dean and this episode shook me with the truly brilliant yet terrifying performance Jensen gives us.

49. 10.05 Fan Fiction

Fan Fiction is one of those episodes that you will either love or hate. Created as a love letter to the shows fandom, Robbie Thompson poured his heart into this episode and I do think it is a necessary watch even if just for the beautiful rendition of Carry on Wayward Son at the end. Some may find it cringeworthy in parts - many in fandom don’t exactly like the show drawing attention to their “dirty laundry” and I don’t think anyone will forget a fangirl telling Dean Winchester directly that “you can’t spell subtext without S-E-X” nor the break-the-forth-wall look Dean gives the audience upon hearing that. Nevertheless, we can officially say that both Destiel and Sastiel have been mentioned directly by the Winchester brothers - funnily enough Sam seems totally cool with the concept of hooking up with Cas; Dean though, well, as the saying goes “the lady doth protest too much”.

50. 10.14 The Executioner's Song

Like with First Born, this episode is a must watch for Timothy Odmunson’s performance as Cain, and how brilliantly he and Jensen work together. A haunting and tense episode with a heartbreaking conclusion. It’s dark and deep and pretty damn epic.

Bonus Episode Shout Out - 10.16 Paint it Black

I am not actually including this episode in the list, as it is a generic MOTW for the most part. But I do want to give it an honorary mention for one scene in particular. If you are new to the show, and are planning on using this list to catch up, then for this episode, go to YouTube and search “Supernatural 10x16 Dean’s confession”. TRUST ME. If like me, you love analysing Dean’s character to death, his church confession in this episode is like being given the key to figuring out the meaning of life.

51. 10.22 The Prisoner

I have chosen this episode over the Season 10 finale because this episode depicts Dean’s spiral into total darkness, whereas the season 10 finale always felt like a particularly weak episode to me. Following Charlie’s horrific (and highly controversial) death, Dean lets the Mark of Cain consume him and goes on a killing spree. The ending of this episode ripped my heart to shreds as Castiel promises that he will stay with Dean forever, only for Dean to beat him to near death and only stop at the last minute thanks to that final shred of humanity left in him. If the shot of a bloodied and heartbroken Castiel staring at the angel blade that narrowly missed his head doesn’t make you cry, then I don’t even know why you watch this show.

52. 11.04 Baby

Another fan favourite told from the point of view from the Impala which at this point is definitely its own character and so much more than just a car. Baby is an extremely well put together episode which confirms that there is more than a little bit of magic in that sleek 1967 muscle car.

53. 11.11 Into the Mystic

Into the Mystic introduces us to Eileen Leahy, a character who we all immediately fell in love with, and not just because she is literally PERFECT for Sam Winchester (yes I ship it), but also because she is a badass female hunter and this show is most definitely lacking badass female hunters. It also keeps us on the edge of our seats as Lucifer disguised as Castiel infiltrates the bunker and manages to trick Dean. Epic stuff.

54. 11.17 Red Meat

A well known controversial episode, Red Meat penned by Angst Goblin Bobo Berens delves into the darker, more toxic parts of the Winchester brothers relationship, and highlights just how horrific their codependency has become. Love it or hate it, you can’t deny that it highlights that these boys have some serious issues, and this episode marks a turning point from which both brothers, but especially Dean, start to move upwards, towards a more healthy bond.

55. 11.18 Hell's Angel

The fight to save Castiel from Lucifer’s clutches would be so much easier if the depressed angel actually knew how much he was loved by his Winchester family. Unfortunately for him, Dean is a dumbass who never uses his words. Hell’s Angel is heartbreaking but a must watch if you have any doubt in how much Dean Winchester cares for his angelic guardian. Lucifer’s mockery of his desperation is a particularly nasty knife twist, but then again us fans lap this stuff up.

56. 11.20 Don't Call Me Shurley

The dramatic return of Chuck AKA God. Another must watch episode which explains in some way what the hell God has been doing all this time, whilst Sam and Dean fight to save a small town from a deathly supernatural fog. The tear-jerking song “Fare Thee Well” sung by Rob Benedict at the end not only foreshadows God’s “death” at the end of the season, but also the departure of fan favourite writer Robbie Thompson from the writing team. Emotional indeed.

57. 11.23 Alpha and Omega

The season 11 finale marks the first time in the shows history that a finale doesn’t have a single death. The uplifting ending in which the boys manage to save the world and reunite God and his sister is a one off for Supernatural, especially when it ends with another shock character resurrection - symbolising a new direction for the show and a new showrunner. This was an epic finale that I thoroughly enjoyed.

58. 12.01 Keep Calm and Carry On

The Season 12 premiere saw the return of Mary Winchester, an awkward introduction with a shocked and overjoyed Castiel, and a dramatic race to save Sam from the British Men of Letters. It sets up a far more human mytharc plot than the previous seasons world ending battles between Gods, but with Mary’s introduction, and Andrew Dabb at the wheel, the story is about to get a whole bunch more personal.

59. 12.10 Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets

One of my all time favourite episodes, Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets gives us a very small peek at Castiel’s pre-Winchester past, and his beautiful female former vessel (no matter what form Castiel resides in, he is always beautiful - a fact referenced in show almost as often as out of it!). It also confirms that no matter how much Cas and Dean may bicker with each other, no one else insults Dean Winchesters angel and gets away with it! Bonus points for long suffering third wheel Sam Winchesters epic bitch faces and eye rolls throughout.

60. 12.11 Regarding Dean

This episode is one of those rare beauties which gets the balance between humour and heartbreak just right. As Dean rapidly loses his memories under a witches spell, Sam and Rowena fight to save him. Regarding Dean explores deep themes including Dean’s loss of childhood innocence at a young age, and how a life shrouded in darkness has effected him. Pure heartbreak. Bonus points for THAT scene on the bucking bronco.

61. 12.12 Stuck in the Middle (With You)

Another all time favourite, directed by our very own Richard Speight Jr in a highly stylised homage to Reservoir Dogs and other Tarantino movies. Castiel takes the role of Mr Orange in this gruesome tale, much to the distress of Mr White AKA Dean. One absolutely devastating love confession later and there isn’t a dry eye in the house. DO NOT SKIP THIS EPISODE.

62. 12.19 The Future

The episode that shook the fandom to it’s core thanks to one tiny moment. A desperate Castiel makes some bad decisions, but not before first using Dean’s love for him against him. The knowledge that Dean at one point made a tailored mixtape of his favourite Led Zeppelin songs and gave it to Castiel as a gift BROKE ME. To this day I am still not over this information. To this day I cannot quite get Dean’s soft voice saying “it’s a gift, you keep those.” out of my head. Just remembering the scene as I write this makes my heart flutter and I STILL can’t believe that the writers took the show in this direction. It’s beautiful.

63. 12.22 Who We Are

This heartbreaking episode reveals the importance of Mary’s return to the show, as Dean goes into his mothers own head to try to save her from brainwashing. A truly epic performance from Jensen Ackles (once again) in which Dean finally admits his own burdens, explains how he was robbed of his childhood, and how he was forced into the role of parent to his younger brother when he was 4 years old. Ah that character development is truly delicious.

64. 12.23 All Along the Watchtower

The season 12 finale packs a lot of punches. The imminent birth of Lucifer’s nephilim son causes a rift in the universe, opening a doorway to another world. As the tension builds to a dramatic conclusion, Lucifer plays his hand, unwittingly trapping himself in the AU world with one beloved character, as another sacrifices himself and a third tragic death leaves Dean shattered and broken on the ground.

65. 13.01 Lost and Found

The season 13 premier was everything I have ever wanted from a Supernatural episode - namely PAAAAAIN. The last 10 minutes of this episode in particular had me ugly crying into @margarittet and @tinkdw‘s laps. In fact, every time I rewatch this episode I cry again. As we are introduced to Jack, we say goodbye to Castiel, and my god, I will never get over watching Dean Winchester wrap the body of his angel in preparation for the pyre and try so hard to keep it together. Same Dean. Same.

66. 13.05 Advanced Thanatology

Where Lost and Found broke my heart, Advanced Thanatology stamped on the shattered pieces until the final seconds in which it magically pulled me back together again. This episode was the climactic end to a 5 episode mini grief arc for Dean who just couldn’t get over Castiel’s death. In this episode, we realise just how badly that death has affected Dean, as he foolishly risks his life in his desperation for any kind of win he can get. Episode highlights include a brilliant performance from Billie who has assumed the role of Death as she knocks some sense into Dean, and the final dramatic return of Castiel, proving that “it’s never too late to start all over again”.

67. 13.06 Tombstone

Following 5 episodes of extreme angst and pain, the audience is finally given some relief in this joyful episode which sees the reunited Winchesters take their new son on a trip to cowboy country. Honestly it’s worth watching purely for Castiel’s attempt at playing cowboy to make Dean happy, and Sam Winchesters knowing looks as he pointedly calls out Dean’s dramatic 180 turn from uber depressive to ecstatic happiness following his angels return to the world of the living. Bonus points for this episode getting the hashtag #brokebacksupernatural trending on Twitter.

68. 13.10 Wayward Sisters

The episode that should have kicked off a whole new spin off were it not for the idiotic decisions of a group of suited white guys with no concept of what decent TV is nowadays. Yes I’m still bitter, Yes Mark Pedowitz can go to hell. Wayward Sisters was a brilliant episode that gave us a whole new generation of badass hunting women, and a story that I was 100% invested in seeing more of. It’s a damn tragedy this never got picked up for its own series.

69. 13.16 Scoobynatural

I can’t write a list of top episodes without adding Scoobynatural. The three Winchester boys find themselves zapped into TV land and meet the Scooby Gang. This episode was just hilarious and brilliant. Bonus points for Castiel’s bond with Shaggy and Scooby, and only a minor deduction for Dean’s over the top flirting with Daphne.

70. 13.21 Beat the Devil

In true Supernatural fashion, as the end of the season gets closer, the tension builds to extreme levels. In the apocalypse world the Winchesters try to find and save Jack and Mary, but Lucifer is on their tails. An unexpected attack leads to a highly traumatic and shocking scene in which Sam is killed and a distraught Dean is only pulled away from further danger by a terrified Castiel. The final scene of this episode in which Lucifer resurrects Sam in a truly horrific display of power over his former victim and vessel is haunting and brilliantly acted by Jared Padalecki. The fear he radiates around Lucifer being the only thing that allows me to continue to take the devil seriously at this point in the show.

71. 14.08 Byzantium

I know what you are going to say, I have skipped a BIG chunk of episodes in my list. I have to be honest here and admit that the season 13 finale was possibly one of the worst episodes in Supernatural history and I can’t in good conscience add it to this list. I also think that the writers struggled to pull themselves back up to the high standard of early season 13 after that dreadful finale, so the first half of Season 14 always felt a bit dull for me, however Byzantium does make up for it, in it’s emotional story of how Sam, Dean, and Castiel all deal with the death of their son. The highlights of this episode have to be the scenes in heaven, where Jack reunites with his mother Kelly, and Castiel finds them both in her own piece of paradise in another tear-jerking scene. Castiel’s deal with the creature from the Empty leaving Cas fans everywhere horrified and distraught, but also rather excited at what exactly may trigger the deadly deal. Hopefully this plot point will be picked up next season, as it is definitely highly anticipated.

72. 14.10 Nihilism

Another dream episode for any Dean fans who like to analyse his beautifully deep and layered psyche. Sam and Cas must dive into Dean’s mind in order to free him from the archangel Michael. What they find is worth several essay’s of analysis on this fascinating and wonderful character. Dean’s bar; surrounded by symbols and hints of his life and a very apt song put on repeat - Will Dean ever get his rainbow ending? Only one more season to go until we find out.

73. 14.14 Ouroboros

Following all the drama and separation of the Winchester family, they finally all reunite in this episode to hunt a gorgon. I always prefer the episodes where Sam, Dean, Cas, and Jack all work together, and this episode explores the group dynamic perfectly. The gorgon is a charismatic villain who taunts our heroes and has them all fighting to keep up with him. Put it simply this is just a fun episode and exactly what we want from our MOTW episodes in the new Supernatural era.

74. 14.15 Peace of Mind

Just like the previous episode, Peace of Mind is simply one of the more fun and enjoyable episodes of the season. So much so in fact that I have probably re-watched it a dozen times because I loved it so much. In a rare team up between Sam and Cas, they find themselves stuck in a Pleasantville type place. Hilarity ensues, and poor Sam gets himself stuck in a 1950s style marriage and a sweater vest. Castiel reads some raunchy erotica and enjoys it. You will find yourselves laughing at “H-E-double hockey sticks” for hours afterwards. A must watch lighthearted episode in an otherwise dark season.

75. 14.20 Moriah

The season 14 finale was certainly one of the more epic finales we have had, and a meta masterpiece penned by showrunner Andrew Dabb. As Dean’s anger and grief following Mary’s death only deepens, and the rift between him and Castiel continues, it is Sam who discovers that all this time, for their entire lives, they have all been nothing more than characters in a world created by a cruel and manipulative writer God. Chuck’s return and reveal as the villain of the entire show came as a shock to many fans who saw him as a beloved fan favourite, but to many others, myself included, this reveal harmonises this entire story and the Winchesters long and traumatic journey and blows my mind at just how perfect it all is. God Was Never On Your Side, and this has always been a show to stress the importance of free will in a Godless world.

*chef’s kiss*

Bring on Season 15.

#supernatural #top 75 episodes #spn meta #destiel #dean winchester #castiel #sam winchester #supernatural episode summaries #my opinions #seriously these are just my opinions #and I had so much fun writing this #and i am kinda proud of it #my stuff

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krystabel02 · 4 years

Text

Complicated: Raphael x OC x Spencer Reid - Chapter 1

Authors Note: This is the first story I’m actually posting that I created on my own. I hope you all enjoy this.

Masterlist

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It's dark. Everywhere she looked and turned, there was nothing but darkness. Then out of nowhere, a particular turtle appeared in front of her, seemingly out of nowhere. The same turtle Angel fell in love with months ago, the same one who stole her heart, and inevitably, the same one who shattered it. She felt her blood run cold, her heart seemingly skipping a beat. There was nothing Angel could say or do. All she could do was stare at the turtle in front of her. The turtle glared at Angel before pulling out his sai. He made his way over to Angel. She wanted to move, but she couldn't. Once he was close enough, the turtle held the sai up, bringing it down to stab her.

Angel sat up in her bed, panting. Her body covered in sweat, and her heart racing. She couldn't do anything but sit there as the silent tears ran down her face. Eventually, Angel let her head fall into her hands as she cried.

Every night it was the same nightmare. Time and time again, Angel had continued to experience this over and over. It mentally drained her and made her feel as though she was hopeless. Angel quickly shook those thoughts out of her head.

No. Not again.

It had been six months since Angel and Raphael broke up, and six months since she left. Of course, a couple of weeks after she left, she received repeated phone calls and text from Raphael. It was so severe that Angel had to change her number to get Raph to stop. Angel wrapped her arms around herself as she took a deep breath. Looking over at the time, she decided to go ahead and get ready for work. Angel made her way into her bathroom to shower and get herself prepared for the day.

After making sure the water was the perfect temperature, she stripped her clothes off and stepped into the shower. Angel stood under the water for a good five minutes, letting the warm water run down her body as she closed her eyes. A shower was what Angel needed, especially after the nightmare she had. She almost didn't realize how long she was in the shower, but once she did, Angel had stepped out and dried herself off. Wrapping the towel around her, Angel makes her way back to her room and pulled out a pair of black pants and a black tee, as well as a black belt and a couple of socks.

Angel stepped out to her living room towards her coffee table. She bends down, grabbing a gun holster and hooking it to her belt where she could easily and quickly draw her gun, after grabbing her credentials and badge. Clipping the badge to her shirt, Angel couldn't help but let her mind think about the nightmare she had. What did it mean, and more importantly, why was she still thinking of Raph. It's been six months since they broke up, and Angel should be over him. He certainly was over her. It brought painful memories whenever Angel thought about how he left her for his ex-girlfriend. Angel didn't want to even imagine what they were doing right now. In her heart, she knew it would break her, and there was no time for that. She had her new life now, a new job, a new place. Yet, with all this change, Angel had also built a wall around her heart. She didn't want, no, she wouldn't be able to handle it if it was broken again. Angel shook her head gently before she a cup of coffee and walked out the door. Making sure her door was locked, Angel makes her way out of the apartment complex towards her car.

It took about 30 minutes, but Angel eventually arrived at the FBI headquarters in Quantico. Stepping out of the car, Angel takes a deep breath and closing her eyes, she enjoys the beautiful weather outside. After a couple moments, she makes her way into the building towards the elevator, pressing the button for the 6th floor. It took a few minutes, but eventually, the doors to the elevator open and Angel makes her way out of the elevator. She walked into the bullpen of the Behavioral Analysis Unit.

There, sitting at his desk, was Spencer Reid. Spencer was the first agent she informally met on her first day, and she was lying if she didn't mention he was the most intriguing. Unlike most guys who have a very macho attitude, Spencer was the complete opposite. He was socially-awkward and often stuttered, but he was absolutely brilliant. A genius in straightforward terms.

Spencer had three Ph.D.'s in mathematics, chemistry, and engineering, as well as two BA in psychology and sociology. What's more impressive was he has an IQ of 187, eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words per minute. If Angel hadn't seen this with her own eyes, she would have never believed it. Despite Spencer being socially-awkward, the two had actually become close friends. They both connected through their love of books, Doctor Who, and of course, coffee. During the time they have known each other, they've gone on multiple coffee dates where all the conversation was about was the most recent book they've read or the latest Doctor Who episode.

Spencer looked up from his file and smiled at Angel. It was apparent he had developed a bit of a crush on her. How could anyone not? She was clearly gorgeous, but she also was smart, kind, courageous. The list went on and on. While Spencer really liked Angel, he knew she wasn't ready for a relationship right now. They didn't talk much about her ex-boyfriend, but enough to see that she wasn't available to date anyone at the moment. It didn't matter, Spencer was willing to wait for her.

"Angel, hey. Did you see the new episode last night?" Spencer asked as he stood from his desk, walking over towards Angel.

Angel smiled, letting a small laugh escape her lips before shaking her head. "Unfortunately, no. I was on the phone with my parents last night and ended up missing it." Angel said, laughing as she put her bag down next to her desk and her coffee cup on top of the coaster sitting in the top right corner of her desk.

Spencer faked a gasp, his left hand going up to his chest as he let out a laugh. "Angel, how dare you. You have disgraced the name of Doctor Who." He joked before letting out another laugh, leaning against a desk opposite of Angel before noticing that she looked tired, and almost as if she was crying. "Angel, is everything alright? You look like you've been crying recently." Spencer asked, his voice immediately lowering, his eyes full of concern.

Angel mentally cursed to herself. Of course, Spencer would notice. She works with profilers who see every little thing about behaviors. Angel sighed, biting the bottom of her lip. Of course, she had told Spencer about the nightmare and described it, but it still wasn't easy to admit it. ".....I had the same nightmare again last night," Angel eventually admitted as she looked up at Spencer, her eyes casting so many emotions. Pain. Sadness. Anger, a little bit. Angel hated that she still thought of Raph, especially after seven months.

Spencer sighed as he walked over, gently pulling her into a hug. A gesture he'd done so many times, it felt natural. All he wanted to do was protect her. But how can one possibly protect someone from nightmares? It was impossible. He may not be able to stop them, but he can at least bring some comfort to the woman he was in love with. "I'm sorry, Angel. Is there anything I can do to help? Maybe a Doctor Who session with popcorn and your favorite candy?" Spencer asked before pulling away, looking her in her deep brown eyes.

Angel looked Spencer in the eyes before letting a sigh out, then she smiled at him. "A Doctor Who session sounds amazing, Spence," Angel said as she pulled away, grabbing her coffee and taking a sip.

Spencer and Angel eventually sat down at their appropriate desks, filling out paperwork as the rest of their team made their way in. Not even five minutes after their Unit Chief showed up, Emily walked out of her office, holding up a file and motioning to the briefing room. "Guys, we've got a case. Meet in the briefing room." Emily said in a firm tone as she walked towards the room.

Spencer and Angel both nodded before standing up and making their way as well. They took their usual seats next to each other at a round table with a screen in front, showing the crime scene photos. One by one, the team filed in. First, Rossi, then JJ, Lewis, Simmons, Alvez, and Garcia.

Garcia takes her usual place standing next to the screen with her remote in hand. "All right, my furry friends, pack your bags because you are headed to the Big Apple. NYPD is reporting 3 bodies of female victims, ages 20-25, and brunettes. The bodies were all found in alleyways next to garbage bins. They had no clothes on, and there were multiple stab wounds to the chest and genital areas, however no signs of sexual assault. Our first victim is Victoria Duncan, a 22-year old college student. She had just moved to New York about 6 months ago but was reported missing three weeks ago when she didn't show up for her psychology class for a few days straight. Professors say she was a great kid who wouldn't miss school unless there was a reason. Next, we have 20-year old Madeline Nelson. She worked as a waitress at a local diner, and she was reported missing about a week after Victoria when she didn't show up for her shift at work. One of her co-workers went to her apartment only to find she wasn't there, and that's when she called police. Our latest victim is 24-year old Jessie Malcolm. She worked at an insurance company, a typical 9-5 job. She was reported missing last week after she also missed her shift at work. Police say there are no obvious ways their paths would have crossed. They all lived in different parts of the city, hung out at different places, even had different banks. There's no sign that any of the ladies even knew each other." Garcia said as she showed all the victim's pictures of their face, bodies after death as well as the dumpsites.

No matter how many dead bodies Angel has seen, they always managed to creep her out to some sense of the word. Though, she never let it bother her. Angel looked over the crime scene photos of the bodies, looking for any signs of restraints. "Garcia, is there anyone who's gone missing recently that fits the description of our victims?" Spencer asked as he looked up, leaning back in his chair slightly.

Garcia shook her head softly before responding to Spencer, "Not yet, but I will double-check and let you know."

Emily nodded before looking to the team. "Alright, if this unsub has a schedule, we've got a few days before he finds his next victim. Wheels up in 30." The team nodded in unison before standing up, grabbing their files, and heading to their desks to grab their go-bag and equipment.

Angel couldn't help but let her mind wander. New York City. The same place she left seven months ago, and the same place that her first love lived at. She prayed to whatever god was up there that she didn't run into Raphael. With her bad luck, though, She probably would.

No matter. It doesn't matter if Angel does see Raph again, she's going for her job, and that's that. Whether she was ready or not, she knew she needed to prepare herself to see him again if the time comes.

#tmnt x oc #spencer reid x oc #spencer reid angst #tmnt angst #tmntcrossover

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minminnie-shii · 5 years

Text

~Cats~ Kim Seyoon

I smiled widely as Seyoon made his was towards me. Once he reached me he put his bag down and wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug. He let out a content sigh and began to sway back and forth slightly.

"There's my Jagiya." He whispered. I smiled and buried my face in his sweater, breathing in deeply. I missed him. He was just coming back from his tour.

It was four months ago that I last saw him, hugged him, and kissed him. He cupped my cheeks in his hands, gently rubbing the pads of his cheeks across them slightly. I laughed lightly and brushed my nose against his lightly with mine.

"I missed you." I whispered. He pecked my nose slightly and slipped his hand into mine.

"Come on, let's go home." I smiled as our hands fit perfectly together. While we were walking to the car, I looked back over at him.

His skin was darker, he must've spent time at a beach. His black hair was slightly longer then when he left a few months ago. He was wearing just a simple black sweater and blue jeans. His slipped his face mask back on over his face as he looked out into the many people holding cameras.

His honey brown eyes looked back at me. They crinkled slightly as he laughed slightly, he ruffled my hair.

"What are you doing?" He asked. I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder.

"Admiring my amazing boyfriend." He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his chest.

Once we reached the car, his bags were tossed in the back and he opened the back door. I climbed inside and Seyoon sat beside me. He took my hands in his and began to play with my fingers.

"Are the others going back to the dorm?" I asked. He nodded.

"Yeah, we have a couple of days off before we have to start a new schedule." I nodded and laid my head on his shoulder.

"Well, I guess that we'll have to just stay in bed until you have to go back." He chuckled and looked at me.

"Believe me, I don't have any problems with that." I rolled my eyes and nudged him playfully.

"You're a dork, you know that right?" I asked. He nodded.

"You never fail to remind me, so yes, I do know." I giggled slightly and he continued to play with my fingers. The car finally pulled up to my apartment complex and Seyoon and I got out.

He grabbed his bag and slipped his hand into mine together we walked up the steps and into my apartment. I unlocked the door and opened it, stepping inside. Seyoon put his bags down and wrapped me up in a tight hug.

"I've been waiting to hug you for four months." He mumbled into my hair. I smiled and pressed my cheek against his chest.

"I missed you so much." I whispered. It was silent for a few moments before a loud meow sounded from the living room.

Seyoon quickly pulled away and I laughed as Mee padded into the kitchen. I bent down and began to pet her head. She purred loudly as she rubbed her head against my leg. I picked up the white fluffy cat and turned around. My eyes widened as I saw Seyoon huddled in the corner, crouching slightly.

"Yoonie? What are you doing?" I asked. I took a step forward but he held his hand up.

"Don't come any closer." I raised my eyebrow. What is he freaking out about? I looked down at Mee, her head was tilted to the side, her blue/green eyes looking at her him curiously.

She meowed again and he jumped slightly. I smirked and took a step closer, holding Mee out to him. He squealed and jumped onto the counter.

"No! _____, stop! Get away from me!" I snickered and step backwards, holding the kitty to my chest.

"Oh come on, don't tell me you're afraid of cats." I laughed. The look on his face was far from amused. He stared at the cat, unblinkingly and my eyes widened.

"Oh my, you're actually afraid of cats. Why?" I asked. He just swallowed.

"I just am. W-where did that cat come from?" He finally tore his eyes from the cat and looked at me.

"Well, I was walking home from work when she started to follow me, her fur was all dirty and she looked like she hadn't eaten in days. So, I brought her inside and gave her a bath and fed her. She's just the sweetest little thing, come on Yoonie, look at her." I held her up to my face and rubbed mine against hers.

Yoonie just scoffed and crossed his legs, still sitting on the counter. He kept looking in-between the cat and me. I pouted slightly and looked at him,

"Can't you at least try?" I asked softly. He looked at my pout and the hard expression on his face melted away.

"All right, b-bring her here." I smiled and slowly and carefully walked over to Seyoon. He backed away slightly, but once his back hit the wall, he had no where else to go.

Once I was about a foot away from him, I stopped walking. I gently reached out and grabbed his wrist in my hand. I brought his hand to Mee's head. I placed his hand on top of her head and let go, leaving it there.

Mee reared her head up and licked his hand, causing him to scream and jump off the counter, running into the bathroom. I laughed and set Mee on the floor. I walked to the bathroom and knocked on the door.

"Yoonie?" I called softly.

"Yeah?" His voice trembled softly. I swallowed thickly to try to hold back my giggle.

"Are you okay?" I asked. He cracked open the door and peeked his head outside looking at me.

"Is the cat with you?" He asked. I coughed.

"No, she's in the kitchen." He let out a sigh of relief and stepped out of the bathroom, directly in front of me.

"Wow, you're really terrified aren't you?" I wrapped my arms around his waist and looked up at him.

The terror on his face was gone, but I could tell that he was still on edge. He was panicky as he looked around, expecting the cat to show up. I sighed and reached up, taking his face in mine.

"If it bothers you that much, I'll take her to the shelter tomorrow." I said softly. He let out a sigh and ran his hand through his hair, looking down at me.

"No, don't, don't do that, I know you love her. Just, give me some time to get used to her, okay?" I smiled and nodded, I stood up and nuzzled his nose with mine, kissing him softly.

"Don't worry, I'll protect you Yoonie." He scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"Yah, I'm a grown man, I can protect myself." Mee meowed and padded over to us. Yoonie yelped and hid behind me.

"Oh yeah, real macho there." I laughed. "On that note, I have to go shower, have fun you two." I called wlaking away from Seyoon.

"W-wait, ______, where are you going? Don't leave alone with her." He shouted after me. I giggled quietly to myself and got ready to shower.

Once I finished my shower and got dressed, and began to towel dry my hair. While drying my hair I walked into the living room, stopping when I heard talking.

"All right, look, I know that, ______, really loves you. And, I might be, a little in-different, but, I want to learn how to like you. I don't want her to get rid of you. So just, give me some time to get used to you, okay?"

I peeked around the corner and smiled softly when I saw Mee sitting on the coffee table. Seyoon was sitting on the couch in front of her. He reached out his hand in front of him and began to pet her head. She licked his hand and he jerked away, standing up and fixing his sweater.

"Okay, I'm gonna need you to not do that." He muttered to her. I giggled and his head shot over to me.

"Oh uh, hi, how long have you been standing there?" He asked. I walked over to him and hugged him.

"Long enough, thank you, for trying." I said. He sighed and rested his cheek on the top of my head.

"I'd do anything for you. Can we go to bed now?" He asked whining slightly. I laughed and nodded.

"Come on you big baby." I took his hand and together the two of us walked into the bedroom. Seyoon changed into pajamas and flopped down onto the bed.

I laid down next to him and he pulled me into his arm, crushing me against his chest. I smiled and snuggled up to him. I let out a sigh of content as I began to feel sleepy, I missed being with Seyoon like this. Just the two of us with each other.

My thoughts were interrupted by Mee jumping into the bed. Seyoon flinched and looked down at her then back up at me.

"Is she, sleeping in here?" He asked. I laughed.

"If you don't want her to, I can put her in the living room." He sucked in a deep breath.

"No, that's fine. I have to get used to her, and this is the best way." I nodded and laid my head back on his chest.

Mee jumped up and curled up on my hip, sleeping peacefully there. Seyoon hugged me tighter, squeezing his eyes shut, trying his best to fall asleep. I couldn't help the smile that was growing on my face as I fell into a peaceful sleep with Yoonie by my side, and Mee on my hip.

#imagine #cute #fluff #ace #kpop #kim seyoon #ace wow #jason #jun #donghun #chan #byeongkwan #park junhee #lee donghun #kim byeongkwan #kang yuchan

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flying-elliska · 5 years

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What are the important bisexual characters that you said helped you? I am having a hard time finding good bi representation in which they aren’t considered promiscuous or unstable

Hiya anon ! What a quality question, thank you ! Here’s another mini essay about bi rep lmao. If there are some that I forgot please tell me ! And to everyone, tell me about the bi characters who made an impact on your life, I’d love to know !!!!

Okay so.

- When I answered the anon and talked about the characters that helped me come to terms with my sexuality, I talked about two in particular. Jack Harkness from Torchwood is depicted as very promiscuous, and somewhat instable. He still meant a lot to me because a) him sleeping around was never that much of a problem, it was because he was from the future, where things were different, which I thought was refreshing and b) his instability was because of the weight of being an immortal hero. Also fanon!Dean Winchester from SPN, as an older, more macho, emotionally witholding, badass dude written as bi meant a lot to me, but he doesn’t really avoid that stereotype either. But at least they were heroes. However, I can understand wanting bi characters that actually don’t fit that stereotype, because bi people irl aren’t all like that, even if there is nothing wrong per se about sleeping with a lot of different people, or having mental issues to struggle with. And that was a while ago and now we have more and more cool characters ! Such as :

- Rosa Diaz from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. One of the best portrayals of bisexuality on TV imho. She didn’t start out as bi, she was this tough, cool, scary but with a heart of gold cop who had a lot of other plotlines before. But then, since they saw that a lot of wlw got this vibe from her, were really into her, and the actress came out as bi herself, they decided to use this. So it was super organic, and the way they introduced the subject was true to Rosa herself ; she’s a super private person, she doesn’t like anybody knowing about her life (it’s actually a running joke and Rosa Diaz has been implied to not even be her real name). But then she is dating a woman, and struggles with her parents not understanding and her coworkers find out, help her and support her. Her gay captain is there for her in his typical stoic but hilarious way. They organize game night with her when her parents won’t anymore. We see her crushing on women and dating, but it is treated exactly as the other character’s love life, they never make a big deal out of it. She isn’t the token queer character. She says outright she is bisexual and there is a specific point about her mom not understanding it’s not a phase and thinking she’ll end up with a man anyway, which #relatable. The focus is on the team as found family. Also right now she’s dating a butch woman, which is awesome since they are so underrepresented on TV and I hope we see more of her. That show really is my comfort show, it’s still bloodly hilarious and it really transcends the format to say some really deep woke stuff too, but never in a way that feels on the nose. Everyone should watch it tbh.

- Korrasami ! Oh my god, I was so blown away when they got together. They’re two characters from the animated series Legend of Korra, they start out as rivals in love who have feelings for the same guy, but as they have to fight baddies together, they become bestest of friends, and both fall out of love with the guy. Then in season 3 and 4, their relationship becomes central to the show, as Asami stands by Korra through some really tough shit. Also, they’re both ultra badass and fight really well together. A lot of fans started reading their chemistry as romantic, but we’d never thought they’d actually go there. But the show ends with them walking into the ‘sunset’ (well, the spirit lands) together, holding hands. Now, it was never completely explicit on the show BUT they were dealing with a lot of censure from the networks and you have to be willingly obtuse not to read it as romantic. And after that the creators drew them on dates, and there is a comic series in which they are shown kissing, talking about their feelings, introducing each other to their families, etc. It made me feel so validated when it happened, and I just adore the whole ‘love triangle ditches the middle one and fall in gay love with each other’ trope. (is it a trope yet ? it should be.) It’s still a kids show at its core, but it has amazing depth and deals with some very deep shit. Korra starts off as a bit annoying but she has a really cool development, she’s a girl character we need more of - brave, dynamic but also brash and reckless and action driven in ways that are almost always exclusively shown for boys. And Asami is a more typical girly girl but she’s also a brilliant engineer and has a spine of steel and she’s also very slyly funny. They’re amazing. And the comics are super cute.

- Now there are a lot of characters who are bi/pan that I love, and are good characters in themselves, but their arcs do intersect in some ways with promiscuity and mental instability. I’m thinking about Even from Skam and all his remake variants, Magnus Bane from Shadowhunters, several characters from Black Sails, Sarah Lance and Constantine from Legends of Tomorrow, Eleanor Shellstrop from the Good Place, Bo from Lost Girl, Ilana from Broad City, Joe McMillan from Halt and Catch Fire, God/Chuck from Supernatural (lmaooooo), several characters on Penny Dreadful, or in a totally different category, Vilanelle from Killing Eve or Hannibal from the series (who are hella bad guys but it’s never linked to their sexuality, and are also incredibly compelling to watch.)

And even though these characters taken individually, I would argue, are good rep because they’re complex and layered and interesting and never one-dimensional (and watching them feels incredibly empowering at times)....it’s still a trend. I feel like when writing a character that is attracted to multiple genders, there is always this sort of...tangle of tropes that writers default to, unconsciously. Some negative and some positive. It used to be this trope of bis being villainous, instable, jealous, flaky, immature, perverted, manipulative, cheaters, amoral, greey, etc...and then it evolved into something of a reclaiming and subverting this trope. So now you feel like the Bi Character kind of has to be badass, glamorous, seductive, often superpowered or extraordinary in other ways.. And they also for multiple reasons (they’re immortal, they’re sensitive artist souls, they’re from the future, they’re psycho, they’re exccentric comic relief, they’re daring adventurers and pioneers) don’t care about social norms which allows them to sleep and fall in love with whomever. And so they tend to have those super busy romantic/sexual histories and very troubled backstories. In the past it was a bad thing, now it’s often presented as this positive, enlightened or at least fun and badass thing. They’re heroic, with big hearts, a tremendous lust for life and a cool rebellious attitude. They’re complex, dramatic, tortured. Which can be super cool, too.

But it would be nice to have more ‘normal’ bi characters. I mean, boring bisexuals need to see themselves represented too ! Our sexualities don’t give us super powers. At the same time, it is true that bisexual ppl have higher rates of mental illness, which deserves to be explored, but it would be nice if it was actually articulated and not just part of this trope. But still. We need rep, I think, that is more grounded and varied. So I think that’s also why I read a lot of fanfic. (I was really into the idea of bi Steve Rogers for a long time, partly also because he’s both very mentally resilient, kinda boring in a good way, and very unexperienced in terms of sex/romance, which is pretty much the opposite of the trope)

- I think books, and YA in general, are a good place to find these ‘normal bis’ characters. I’m thinking in particular of Leah from Leah on the Offbeat by Becky Albertalli (from the same book series that gave us the ‘Love, Simon’ movie) which is a super sweet coming of age/romance story about a super normal teenager who just happens to be also into girls (esp her best friend) and is loud and funny and very lovable and has zero doubts about being bi. You also have Adam Parrish from the Raven Cycle, another one of my forever faves ; he has an abusive family so PTSD from that but it never feels tropey, and it’s completely detached from his sexuality. He has magic powers, too. But his character feels completely opposite to the trope. He’s hardworking, somewhat withholding, prickly (and sometimes awkward), ambitious, determined, down to earth, and has a beautiful love story with another boy. And also Jane, from Jane Unlimited by Kristin Cashore, also really cool ; she’s a nerdy, smart girl who is actually inspired by Jane Eyre who has cool adventures in a weird house where we can follow her on different paths depending on the choices she makes, several of which are love stories. And finally the main character from The Seven Husbands from Evelyn Hugo, kinda fits the trope yeahhh since she’s a super glam actress who well, has seven husbands but it’s a pretty clever deconstruction since it turns out (slight spoilers) that Evelyn is actually through most of her life faithful in heart to the same person and the rest is mostly out of necessity, and her story feels very real and raw and down to earth.

- I don’t go there yet but I really want to check out Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and Schitt’s Creek which I have read have very good bi rep. And I want to catch up on Orphan Black (Cosima and Delphine both don’t have exact labels but they’re multi-gender attracted and they’re this cool couple of scientists in a relationship that gets a happy ending). I will never forgive what they did to Lexa so I stopped watching but I do think that Clarke Griffin from The 100 is very good bi rep. Alexia from Skam France, meanwhile, is a bit of a boundary case for me because, even though she’s presented as the ‘weird one’ from the group, very colorful and liberated and exccentric, she’s still a very normal teen who’s happy and comfortable in her own skin, which is awesome.

- Disclaimer, I included characters in here that are also pan/omnisexual or don’t have a label but are attracted to several genders, for the purpose of this discussion i don’t think the difference is all that relevant at least to me (i mostly identify as bi for the sake of simplicity but tbh i could also fit under pan so i feel represented by all those characters). But I understand the importance of characters that state their identities more clearly and with pride.

- So in conclusion : there is nothing wrong with having a sexually active life or struggling mentally (even tho that one is not fun). And I do love all my badass casanova time travelling super powered bis.

But we need more bi characters that don’t fit that trope. We need bi characters in children’s shows, or that don’t have more than one relationship, or that don’t have a relationship at all, to break the tendency to always show bisexual ppl as overly sexual. We need bi characters in committed relationships to break this idea that bi characters are bound to cheat or can’t be satisified with only one person. We need bi characters that are mentally stable and successful and happy, to show that it’s possible. We need bi characters that are boring, bookish, nerdy, ordinary, clumsy, not particularly seductive, socially awkward, rule-sticklers, etc...to show that bi people are not all party animals, or doing it for attention, or to be wild, rebellious and socially progressive. It’s just a sexuality, it doesn’t say anything about your personality. Even though there are some correlations with MI or being bi might bring you in contact with more progressive ideas and to see life a bit differently, there is nothing automatic about it.

- In conclusion, reading testimonies from real people also helped me a lot. It’s a very dated but I got the book “ Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out “ when I was struggling with my own sexuality and it helped a lot, to read that even back then (1991) you had all sorts of regular ppl claiming to be bi and that it was not a phase or a fad or whatever.

#bisexuality #bi rep #media representation #bi pride #lgbt #bi characters

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transboygenius · 6 years

Text

Digital Love

Last night I had a dream about you In this dream I'm dancing right beside you And it looked like everyone was having fun The kind of feeling I've waited so long

The shy little child prodigy looked out into the distance, every kid from first grade to fifth, gathered around the presence of the "King Of Cool," himself, Nickolas "Nick" Dean. He's not that big on brains, and in fact had to repeat the fourth grade due to chronic tardiness. But that didn't matter to anyone, because he was popular. Nick knew how to act, how to dress, and how to defy gravity on a regular kid-powered skateboard. While most young boys somewhat envied his good looks and charms, the rest would sell their souls just to be the macho figure he is. Almost every girl in school wanted him to be their future husband. Then there's James Isaac Neutron, "King Of Fool." The tween had a deformed head, a goofy puffy haircut, a complex vocabulary that puts children in debate if he's human or not, but that's only half of Lindbergh's turn-offs. Nick was the prince, while Jimmy was the clown. No girl would ever share a conversation with him, even if it meant repopulating the Earth. Everything between the two, Jimmy and Nick, was absolutely incomparable.

Whenever a bully sees Nick, they give him a warm greeting. Whenever a bully sets their sight on Jimmy, that's his signal to run. Nick gets hit with blown kisses. Jimmy gets hit with fists. The school laughs with Nick. The school laughs at Jimmy, and so do his friends whenever they get caught in the moment. They all looked down on the poor genius, and still would even if he grew some height. Back on the scene, Jimmy took a deep sigh as he turned his eyes away from the crowd, and decided to proceed to his next period, since the commotion isn't worth his time anyways. Carl Wheezer looked over his best friend. Judging by his expression and the way he looked at Nick, Carl can only presume that Jimmy is intimidated. Seeing his best friend like this only brought him into a frown. It's quite understandable why an undersized geek like Jimmy would hold any jealousy against Nick, who's at the top of the food chain, while Jimmy's sunk to the deep end. Walking to the next classroom, Carl puts his arm around him, followed by a brotherly pat.

In Carl's opinion, popularity is overrated. Jimmy scales a 10/10 to him any day. Because of how nice the boy genius has been to him, more than anyone else, Carl assured to make him feel like a million bucks. Jimmy's weak, bully bait, and prone to many accidents, but that never stopped him. Carl would rather stay beside his nerdy friend than Elementary's golden boy. Speaking of which, if only Carl could save Jimmy from his own insecurities. Like, whenever Nick passes by, he'll sometimes tease the boy for his short height. All the other students have treated him worse than that, but Carl could see it still gets to Jimmy. Nick's not really a bad guy, for he has helped the boy genius occasionally, such as giving him life hacking advice, or coming to his aid whenever he has his hands full with bullies. Jimmy thanks him afterwards, but then he gets all timid and embarrassed. Carl thought, even while trying to help, it never made him feel any better. All those "good deeds" were probably just Nick's way of reminding Jimmy how much of a defenseless weakling he is, and not to mention, an unrelatable dweeb.

Another thing that has concerned Carl, from the easily noticeable mood Jimmy always gave whenever Nick is socializing with Cindy Vortex. Cindy was a bratty know-it-all in pigtails, and Jimmy's quote-on-quote rival. Long ago, before Jimmy transferred into Lindbergh, Cindy had been the smartest kid in school. The fact that her new competition turned out to be none other than a boy, she's been trying to drag him through the mud since then. Jimmy tried to make a good impression, even tried being nice to her, but after a week he eventually gave up and then came a war. If Cindy wants to play that game, then that's how it's gonna be. They argued a lot, never agreed on anything, but every time Nick and Cindy made a scene, Jimmy would give that same depressed look he had whenever he saw Nick surrounded by all the pretty girls in school, followed by some anger. For some reason, Jimmy gets his buttons in a bunch for every moment Nick gives Cindy attention. And out of all of the females, Cindy was the luckiest to get to him. Rumor has it that Nick's got a girlfriend proposal planned in mind, just for Cindy. Whether true or not, picturing those two as a couple made the small boy's blood boil. He can't let him have her. During recess, Carl discussed this topic with Sheen. Jimmy and Cindy hate each other. You can't put them in the same room without them coming at one another's throat. So why does he get offended every time she gets affectionate all over Nick?

"I think the little Romeno's in loooooooovvvvvvve." Said Sheen. "Jimmy? In love with Cindy? Get out, he hates her. Have you ever met his Girl-Eating plant?" Carl replied. "You really don't watch much of TV, don't you Carl? When a man and a woman argue so much, and both are completely obsessed with getting revenge with each other, even if it's not worth it, that's there way of expressing their romantic passion. The feuding is used as a mask to cover up the feelings they're too reluctant to show their friends." "C'mon, Sheen. TV is TV, and this is... ...not TV. This is real life." "You'll never know unless you ask him. Oh, and if he says No, then he could be lying."

Carl walked over to his best friend, who was lying belly down on the grass, sketching out a W.I.P for his newest invention. He felt nervous getting into his personal life like this, but he's really worried for him. If he doesn't ask, he may never get this curiosity off his chest before it actually happens. He took a deep breath, inhaled into his inhaler, then out came the question.

"Jimmy?" "Yeah, Carl?" "I was wondering; Do you like Cindy Vortex?" "NOOOO! What gave you that idea?! I'd rather kiss one of the most venomous insects roaming around the rainforest than her! No! No way in Mars!"

Carl wasn't satisfied with his answer.

"Jimmy, are you lying?" "Don't you know your own best friend? I'm positive that's the truth!" "The truth that you're lying?" "NO, the truth that Cindy is the least person on Earth I could ever fall heads over heels for!" "Okay. Thank you."

Carl went back to Sheen just to gloat about him being right, but that only resulted in Sheen slapping the palm on his face in annoyance.

________________________

It was Valentines day at Lindbergh Elementary, and all the students are making a mess out of the arts and crafts tools. They made cards, some with macaroni noodles pasted on, and some with overuse of glitter. Most Valentine gifts are store bought. The children didn't really care for romance, or finding their special Valentine. They only participate just to receive goodies, and stuff their faces with candy. The kids that did care for Valentines Day wrote for the ones they loved, only because that felt right to their hearts. Sheen wrote to UltraLord, including his UltraLord dolls. Carl wrote a card for his mom, dad, and best friend Jimmy, with a pattern of Xs and Os. As awkward as it made Jimmy feel, he gave him a new inhaler with a red bow wrapped around it to show his appreciation. In response, Carl gave him a big loving warm hug, of course he let go immediately after he heard choking from the boy genius.

"Hey Jim, what do you say we had right down to the Candy Bar? My treat! You only get those adorable pink and red heart sprinkles once a year." "Awwww, you go ahead, Carl. I'll meet you there. I need to hand out my final draft papers." "Okay. See ya!"

As soon as Carl left, Jimmy let out a sigh of relief. He was waiting for Carl to leave cuz he can't afford him getting into his fudgy hair while he sets out to make his move. Jimmy sets his jetpack down, then pulled out an envelope with a heart-shaped sticker sealing it closed. He held it up to his face for a bit, sweat trailing down his face, with his heart racing in his chest. On account of urges, he must do it, but he feels he's gonna regret it later on. Jimmy quietly prowled among the hallways, looking back, fourth, and behind himself just to make sure no one catches him in the act. The job would be much easier if he haven't left his invisibility gum at home. He pressed his back against a random locker of an unknown student, which is where his destination had been. With shaky hands and sweaty palms, he stood on his toes as he shoved the letter right into that locker, then ran for cover before anyone walks in. He peeked from behind the wall, watching carefully for his sweetheart to arrive and read his note.

Up walked in Cindy, with Nick behind her. Jimmy leaned in closer, and began biting his nails as he concentrated his focus on Cindy, who's leaning against the locker he dropped the letter in. She was being cornered by her crush Nick, while she giggled and blushed madly like a bubbly school girl, asking him if he has any plans this Valentine's Day, or if he's seen any girls lately. She got an answer out of him, but not what she had in mind.

"Cindy, I need to get to my locker."

How humiliating. Face glowing red, she threw herself off of his locker. She felt like she embarrassed herself, getting in his way all day and pestering him with questions, only to get a stoic response. That probably means she isn't likely to get a chance with him. He accepted her homemade chocolate truffles, but Nick pretty much accepted every girls' gift, even the most weird ones, like assorted meats. She fears, what if somebody else gets to him before she does? As she walked on, she kept her eyes on Nick, watching him open his locker. However, she didn't watch where she was going and bumped into a wall on the way. Nick undid the combination of his locker and opened it wide, that's when he met the first thing that caught his eye; A letter, from an anonymous admirer. Nick wasn't really amused. He has run dry reading these ignorant girls love cards all day, so does he have to put up with another one? So many mushy words and failed attempts at poetry, he's on the verge to fall sick any time soon. Unfortunately, Nick decided to swallow his pride. This will be the last note he'll read for today, then he's calling up for quits on Valentines. He teared away the sticker and flung it aside, opening the envelope to reach in for the letter.

When he unfolded the letter, he hasn't read one word, yet this note already had him at hello. It was different. No cheap decorative touch-ups such as plastic gems or glitter, but something more simple. Very simple, but that's what made it so pleasant. The only touch-up this letter possessed was an animated flashing heart. He read each paragraph, every word in between the lines. It wasn't so mushy after all, but instead it looked like someone paid a famous novelist to write this note. It was pleasing and relaxing, even if he didn't understand two of the vocabulary words. Halfway through the note, Nick could feel the butterflies spawning inside him. Each sentence was written with true modesty, making sure to convince the reader that their feelings are real as day. Like all the Valentine cards he's read, this one ended with an "I love you" but adding on, "Although, I'm not sure you'd feel the same way." Whoever wrote this, Nick said to himself, has definitely won themself a Valentine, except Nick didn't knew who they were. He doesn't even recognize the handwriting.

Jimmy blushed while placing a hand over his mouth. Judging by Nick's body gesture, he could tell he liked it. But, how would he react if he ever found out the writer behind the note? Jimmy Neutron never hated Nick, nor was he jealous at all. He was in love with him. Not for his looks, but for who he was, unlike all the other groupies. The reason why Jimmy always looks so sad whenever he's looking at Nick from a distance, while in the company of those who praised him, because he's out of reach for him. Nick comes to him sometimes, but with their unbalanced popularity statuses, it takes luck for the biggest nerd to see Nick on his own. Worse, it's a boy loving a boy, living in a heteronormative society. The only one he's truly jealous of is Cindy, who's always trying non-stop to make Nick hers. The Girl-Eating Plant was invented as a stress reliever, for every time Cindy lures in Nick's attention like a fly to honey. He can't let Nick have her. It's him he should have.

This feeling drives Jimmy off the wall. He's best at hiding his affection, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Whenever Nick's near him, or even speaks to him, Jimmy always feels like he wants to run away and hide. He's never told anybody about this crush. Not to his friends, family, or even Goddard. In spite of being at the bottom of the food chain, Nick actually had some respect for him. Plus, Nick has done nice favors for Jimmy, such as giving him life hacking advice and saving him any trouble from bullies. Nick treated him like he were one of his bros, without any care of what anyone around him thinks. What if Nick doesn't love him back? What if Nick isn't into the same gender? The most miserable thing in the world, in his book, is dealing with a crush you're not so sure returns your love. He's a scientist, he can make that happen. But, forcing Nick to fall in love with him wouldn't make him feel any good.

Don't stop come a little closer As we jam the rhythm gets stronger There's nothing wrong with just a little little fun We were dancing all night long The time is right to put my arms around you You're feeling right You wrap your arms around too But suddenly I feel the shining sun Before I knew it this dream was all gone

#Jimmy Neutron #Boy Genius #Cindy Vortex #Carl Wheezer #Nick Dean #Romance #Story #Digital Love #Daft Punk #Movieverse #MooVEE

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