despairforme

[despairforme]

He ate a whole jar of jam.

#[ this is what happens when you don't have bread I GUESS ] #[ hello guys!! ] #[ man oh man i'm sO sleepy ] #[ had to get up at 4 in the morning RIP ] #[ now i'm having coffee while waiting for my dad to pick me up ] #[ gonna go visit my grandmother ] #[ tryinggggg to write while i wait but i'm so sleepy URGH ] #[ i guess another coffee is in order xD ] #[ hope you're all doing good! ] #despair for me. ╱ in character. #burn the city. ╱ main verse.

[despairforme]

Your "YES is the saddest word I know" poem/edit changed my LIFE

[ ;O; ////// aaaaa anon you're so kind! Thank you for letting me know! This really made my day! Shinji/Aizen is one of my favorite ships in Bleach, and I was stoked to make a poem/edit for them that people enjoy! t-t still getting notes on it is WILD. Again, thank you very much for this message! Giving creators messages like this is the kindest thing! ]

#[ t - t this was so sweet aaaa ] #[ and also WILD because i have been thinking a lot about shinji recently ahaha ] #[ miss writing him ] #[ probably won't go back to rping him but..... writing a lil aizen/shinji fanfic isn't off the table 8) ] #[ ANYWAYS i'm blessed by this message!! ] #toby post. ╱ out of character. #saved. #fav.

[despairforme]

Imo the coolest trait of Nnoitra (both of canon one and Toby's one) is how unapologetic he is. Like... wow. My king<5

❝ Hah, 'daz fuckin' right. ❞ Yeah, that's fucking right. As if he would EVER apologize for ANYTHING. He wasn't here to please anyone. Not here to fit into some fucking made-up social norm or whatever. Until the bitter end, he was going to be one hundred percent HIMSELF. If people had a problem with that? They could FUCK OFF. Nnoitra had never had a desire to "fit in". Ever since he became an Arrancar and got more... Well - human - he'd still been a solitary being. He didn't need anyone to like him.

It wasn't often he got complimented on any of his personality traits, and he was pretty sure most of his fellow Arrancar found it off-putting as hell that he was unapologetic. Too bad for them that he didn't give a shit what they thought. He wasn't here to win a popularity contest. He was here to be the strongest.

#[ !!!!! YES ANON ] #[ YES GO KING <5 ] #[ he would never apologize for anything ahahaha ] #[ love him so much hhhhhhhhhh ] #[ this part of his personality makes him amazingly fun to write ] #[ 5/5 recommend getting a muse who will never apologize ] #[ i'm love him ] #[ thank you for sending! ] #despair for me. ╱ in character. #talking shit. ╱ answers. #the praying mantis. ╱ canon verse.

[despairforme]

#[ him <5<5<5<5 !! ] #[ been thinking a lot about him recently hhhh ] #[ i mean i always think about him but YEAH ] #[ unfortunately i'm busyyyyyyyyyy again ] #[ i keep filling my weeks and days with stuff ahaha ] #[ in the past i used to just stay indoors by myself 24/7 ] #[ i gotta get better at taking advantage of the time i have available for writing ] #[ i have so many ideas and plots in my head !!!!! ] #[ my to-do list is a million miles long WELP ] #[ - but also i kinda love it bc i'm never bored - ] #[ anyways !! once i again i must thank you for your patience with me guys! you're so kind and understanding t-t <5 ] #[ - gives out trophys - ] #[ you're the best !! ] #[ hope you're all doing good <5 ] #toby post. ╱ out of character.

[despairforme]

What do you think about inviting ALL your friends to come over for once? You have a lot different people stuck around you, it would be interesting to see them together, wouldn't it?

Holy fuck. That would be a whole ass PARTY, wouldn't it? You'd be surprised to learn just how many friends Nnoitra actually had. Some were "closer" friends than others. All of them were quite different. The only thing they ALL had in common was that they treated him nicely. Whether or not Nnoitra treated them nicely... That was up for debate. At least there had to be something about him that they liked, seeing as they kept hanging out with him. He had never thought about inviting them all over at the same time. It would be a long invite list...

Ikkaku ( @yperifaneia )

Sasaharu ( @nvrcmplt )

Adelha ( @adelha-mathilde )

Agatha ( @fiorserpen )

Emily ( @aemiliiu-remade )

Emil ( @someidioticurl )

Greaves ( @waveringiridescence )

Sakura ( @sakura-rpblog )

These were people he'd known for a good while, OR he'd spent so much time with that he considered them friends of his. He could expand this list to include more people too. People who he hadn't spent that much time with, but who'd been friendly with him, and who he might become friends with, in time. He should feel lucky that he DID have that many friends in the first place, and even more people who he could become friends with.

#[ both me and nnoitra are UNFORUNATELY bad at remembering names fjfjfjf so i might have missed some names!! ] #[ also a lot of people he considers just friendly aquaintances I GUESS ] #[ i'm so happy he has so many friends t-t ] #[ a big party with everyone would be funnnnn omg ] #[ thank you for sending anon!! ] #despair for me. ╱ in character. #talking shit. ╱ answers. #burn the city. ╱ main verse.

[despairforme]

*whooshes past*

The WHOOSH past him makes his hair slap him in his one good eyeball. Fuck his life.

#[ whoosh whoosh ] #[ xD ] #[ idk ] #[ thanks for sending anon xD ] #despair for me. ╱ in character. #talking shit. ╱ answers.

[despairforme]

You’re kind of cute.

❝ Fuck off. ❞ He fucking hated this kind of condescending shit. Actually, he hated being called "cute" even when it wasn't said in a sarcastic way. "Cute" was something you used to describe puppies or kids or maybe even girls. Not MEN and therefore not HIM. Sure, there were guys who acted "cute", but Nnoitra never did that. It was off-putting as hell to him. He didn't want to be cute, and he sure as shit didn't want anyone to call him that.

#[ fjfjfjfjf he hatesssssss being called cute unfortunately ] #[ even tho yes he does have his sweet moments ngl t-t ] #[ like yes nnoitra sometimes you are precious ] #[ but it's just not a word he associates with himself ] #[ he prefers other compliments xD ] #[ thank you for sending anon! ] #despair for me. ╱ in character. #talking shit. ╱ answers.

[despairforme]

"i can fix him" nuh uh i can make him worse

Exactly. He didn't want to be FIXED. He didn't want anyone to get close to him in hopes that they could fix him ( change him ). Because they couldn't. There was no way to fix him, because he wasn't broken. Thinking he could become a kind and caring person was just a fucking fantasy. He didn't have those pieces within him. If one tried to force them onto him, they still wouldn't fit. There was no slot for them to be put into. That wasn't to say that Nnoitra was completely incapable of doing nice things for anyone. He hadn't been completely horrible ALL THE TIME in his relationships. But deep down? He'd still been evil.

So what about making him worse? Yeah, he could see how that was easy to do. Because being a bad person was his default state. It was oh so easy to encourage.

Nobody could make him better.

But someone could make him worse.

#[ ahahaha yeah i forever enjoy that trope 8) ] #[ as someone who writes quite a lot of villain muses ] #[ i don't like the redemption arc prompt ] #[ let villains be villains 8) ] #[ but that doesn't mean they are incapable of being nice to anyone ever ] #[ even the worst type of people can have moments of softness ] #[ it's just that they are few and far in between ahaha ] #[ thanks for sending anon! 8) ] #[ forever wonder when nnoitra will get a villain s/o to fuck around with LMAO ] #despair for me. ╱ in character. #talking shit. ╱ answers.

[despairforme]

gently scoops up the toby and mwahs ur lil brain and holds and pampers and loves on. delightful seein you on the dash this morning. uwu love ya lots, keep up the good work - rest ur dang hands :gun: mwahmwahmwah

[ !!!!!!!!!! TALA MY QUEEN !!!!!!!! ;O; <5<5<5<5<5 * is gently scooped up * ;O; !! Thank you so much dear! <5 Been so busy recently but trying to squeeze in some writing time in between other stuff! Will continue to work hard!! >v< * sends all the love * !! Forever love seeing you on my dash as well and I have so much appreciation for you!! Thank you for being such a great friend t-t <5 I'm very spoiled!! ]

#nvrcmplt #[ t - t so sweeeeeeeet I CRY ] #[ will work hard !! ] #[ thank you for the kind words tala t-t really made my morning <5 ] #[ i'm blessed t-t <5<5 ] #toby post. ╱ out of character. #saved. #fav.

[despairforme]

Ive noticed something about canon nnoitra, so hes the only hollow with a hole in his head, right? Ive suspected that this symbolized a sort of mental illness when he was human

But then i noticed in his resurrection, he can summon spare scythes from inside his wrists...

❝ Nah, havin' yer hollow hole go through yer head ain't uncommon. ❞ He wasn't the only one. There were PLENTY of others. Like Loly or Lilynette. Or Shawlong. He didn't know what the hole in his head symbolized. He didn't like the thought of it having something to do with a "mental illness", but of course --- He did think it had something to do with the eternal amount of negative thoughts he had. The reason for him becoming a Hollow had to be because of DESPAIR. Why else would that be his aspect of death? The source of his powers? And the worst type of despair was the kind your mind could bring forth. Because there was no escape from that. Nothing you could do to battle it. So yeah - maybe his hollow hole had something to do with that. He wondered if that meant that all the other Hollow with holes through their heads had similar struggles to him. Nah. No way.

❝ 'N Where ELSE would I pull 'em from? 'S 'da most convenient joint on my exo-skeleton. ❞ The outer skeleton that Nnoitra received in his Resurrection, giving him that insect motif that his Zanpakuto carried. He didn't understand what summoning scythes from his wrists had to do with anything.

Unless - maybe - they thought it had something to do with suicide. Nnoitra had tried to kill himself in the past, thanks to Nelliel. But he'd never - Ever - thought about doing it like that. To slit his wrists like a coward and bleed out. He was not a coward. He was going to die standing on his own two feet. In battle. Drawing his final breath and knowing he'd been strong to the very end. If he killed himself like a coward, that would ruin everything.

He didn't often think about how he'd died as a human. It was so long ago - 1000 years, give or take - and his human life was as alien to him as anything. He sometimes didn't feel like he'd ever even been human. Since it was so distant, it didn't much matter to him how he'd died. He knew there hadn't been a Shinigami there to lead him to Soul Society. And that SOMETHING about his death had made his soul turn hollow. Maybe he'd died from suicide. It wasn't impossible.

#[ thank you for the ask anon! ] #[ there are so many theories about what the location of a hollow hole represents 8) ] #[ i mean the hole itself is supposed to represent the “missing heart” of a hollow ] #[ - not the actual physical heart but yeah - ] #[ BUT YEAH nnoitra definitely has depression ] #[ and he's always had it ] #[ so probably as a human as well ] #[ but for me it's too modern for him to slit his wrists ] #[ don't know how much history there is about suicide way back in the days ] #[ but i just don't imagine a brave man like nnoitra killing himself like that ] #[ so for me that's a pass ] #[ i think if him summoning weapons from his wrists means anything ] #[ it's more that he draws strength from despair - ] #[ so everyone ELSE'S suicides give him power ] #[ when a human dies of despair that is given as power to nnoitra - since his aspect of death is despair ] #[ it could also symbolize him battling his deathwish ] #[ HMM IDK but i just don't see him ending his life like that ] #[ but yeah thank you for sending!! it was interesting! ] #despair for me. ╱ in character. #talking shit. ╱ answers. #the praying mantis. ╱ canon verse. #suicide mention //

[despairforme]

"What's th'big spoon thing for.. 's that some joke from Aizen I dunno about? --Or ya use it ta catch bugs 'r somethin'.." It certainly reflects the moonlight, kind of like a beacon insects would be attracted to.. But it seems impractical to Renji. He has to be chastised constantly for getting rid of his uniform himself, he hates it. And even now he is wearing only the hakama their shinigami overlords provided him with and nothing else. The only thing they introduced him to that he kind of appreciates is hairties. ((arrancar!Renji :3))

It wasn't often he was treated this casually. More or less the only person who spoke to him was Tesla, and he never did so in this kind of tone. This Arrancar was a bit of a miss-fit, Nnoitra thought. It didn't seem like he was settling in well within Aizen's ranks. Who the fuck could blame him? It was not a criticism. If anything, it was a compliment.

❝ It's 'ta gimme a recognisable silhouette. ❞ And shadow. Nnoitra wanted others to KNOW when he was approaching. The rattling of Santa Teresa's chain and his bracelets was an audible cue, but he wanted a visual one as well. He also knew his silhouette was not the most intimidating one, since he was so thin. The big spoon-hood definitely pulled attention away from that.

He liked wearing his uniform, and especially the pants and boots. They were so comfortable ( and made his legs look a lot less skinny ). He was pretty sure it was the opposite for the other Arrancar, who seemed to have an aversion to clothes. Again, not a bad thing. It wasn't natural for HOLLOWS to wear clothes anyway. They were animals, in the end.

#monkifuraibo #[ arrancar renji my beloved <5<5 ] #[ love that he just never wants to wear uniforms xDD ] #[ he's so cuuuute ] #[ thank you for sending blue <5 ] #despair for me. ╱ in character. #the praying mantis. ╱ canon verse. #talking shit. ╱ answers.

[despairforme]

Do you ever just sit there and...think for a while? And when you do...do you ever think about your life, your past, like I do? And that sometimes it just feels like, what's the point? Life is, well...pointless, in a way. Unless we accomplish something great, our lives amount to nothing. Do you ever feel like you're undeserving of love? I feel like that, sometimes. Even making just a friend is hard, and I don't know why. Do you feel like that? When people just...leave you, for something you can't control? Even if you want to change, you don't know how... I feel like I've given up on love, because honestly what's the fucking point anymore. I'm sick of waiting patiently for someone who won't even arrive. It must be me, it's always just me, I guess. Do you get it? Am I not making sense? Maybe not. I don't know anymore. I feel like I can relate to you somehow. You say you're bad but that isn't true. No one is just born evil. But like me, there's a time that you just realize...that something inside you is broken, and it can never be fixed.

What the fuck kinda long ass-speech was this, and why the fuck was he receiving it? When did he sign up to be a stranger's shrink? He better fucking get paid for this shit. Somehow, he doubted that anyone was paying him.

Do you ever just sit there and think for a while? Well, YEAH, he had a brain and so he did have thoughts. He absolutely tried to avoid sitting all quietly without doing anything, because diving deep into his own thoughts was never a pleasant experience. The more he could distract himself from thinking, the better. The absolute worst thing he could think about was his past. What he had done.

He couldn't say he related to thinking life was pointless, and he definitely couldn't relate to feeling like he needed to accomplish something. Nnoitra wasn't ambitious. What he wanted from life was quite simple - he wanted to be strong. Proving his strength was his biggest reason for even bothering to stay alive. Only the weakest kind of man would take the easy way out, and he wasn't like that. But no, he didn't need to accomplish anything "great". The only person he was looking to for acknowledgement was himself. If he, on the day he died, could think to himself that he'd lived his life as a strong man, then that would be a good death.

As for feeling like he was undeserving of love... YEAH, of course he felt that, because it had been proven to him several times. Not only that, but he knew it was true. Yeah, it was a cliche. Thinking that nobody could ever love you, because you didn't deserve it. But - when you were a bad person like Nnoitra, you had the evidence to back it up. He knew he truly didn't deserve love. That didn't mean he didn't want it. Feeling loved again would be the best feeling, he was certain. Too bad it was just a fantasy at this point.

The next part, he could somewhat relate to. Nnoitra actually didn't have that hard of a time making friends. Probably because all his friendships ( though some of them were long-lasting ), they were somewhat superficial. He knew that if those people knew him on a deeper level, they wouldn't want to be his friends anymore.

Having people leave him... Yeah. The only two people he'd loved ( and who had loved him, if only for a while ) had left him. Yeah, they'd left him for something he couldn't control, but that was hardly an excuse. They hadn't left him because of a bad habit or because he hadn't been devoted or whatever. They'd left because of who Nnoitra was as a person. NOBODY could keep loving someone like him. It was something he'd just have to accept. This wasn't about whether or not he wanted to change. He couldn't change the fundamental part of him. The core. The evil in him.

Nnoitra wasn't waiting for someone to love him. He was waiting for someone who'd maybe briefly love him. Fleeting. Someone he could date for a few months, maybe a few years. Then they'd see him. See the real him - and they'd leave. If he went into the relationship already KNOWING that that would be the outcome, it wouldn't be heartbreaking when it happened. Like it had been in his previous relationships. And he'd be allowed to feel loved again. If only briefly. That was better than nothing.

So yeah, SOME of what this person was saying was resonating with him, even if he could see that they were majorly different from him. Especially when they said the last part - that it wasn't true that he was bad. That nobody was born evil. That was just a fucking disney fantasy. In fact, some people ( like him ) really were born bad. Born evil. Born with a soul that couldn't - and didn't want to be saved. The fact that this stranger didn't think Nnoitra was a bad person just proved that they didn't know anything about him. He wasn't broken. Nothing inside him was broken. But something inside him was missing. There was a difference. If something was broken - you could fix it, but when it was missing? There was nothing to do about that.

❝ Do I look like a fuckin' SHRINK? If ya need someone 'ta bitch 'ta, find someone else. Ain't nothin' worse than listenin' 'ta other people's problems. ❞ He had enough with his own problems. He didn't know if it made him feel better or worse, knowing he could somewhat relate to this stranger. He just didn't want to talk about any of this shit. Or think about it, for that matter.

#[ me taking the chance to write a long-ass inner monologue for nnoitra? YUP ] #[ thank you for sending anon!! very interesting!! ] #[ i'm sorry you feel this way though.. ] #[ i hope you have someone to talk to who can help you! ] #[ hopefully this is fictional to relate to nnoi!! T-T ] #[ and ---- well nnoitra really IS a bad person ] #[ he's not misunderstood or broken or anything like that ] #[ he can't be “fixed” with love ] #[ he is still evil as hell when he is loved xD UNFORTUNATELY ] #[ like damn his evil side really showed when he was dating.... like oooof jfjfjf ] #[ but yeah thank you for sending!! hope you have a good day! ] #despair for me. ╱ in character. #talking shit. ╱ answers. #burn the city. ╱ main verse.

[despairforme]

I know you aren't very big on well...talking about stuff...like emotions.. but I wanna try. You can talk to me, alone if you like. About anything, really. I'll listen. I know you're in pain, honey, I want to help. Even if it doesn't sound nice, I promise it will be. I like to see the good in everyone, and I do believe that you are a good person under all that tough exterior. I wanna see the real you, do you think you can do that? To just vent to me? I know it may be hard, at first, but I promise it'll be worth it. I can be as patient as you'd like.

That was the understatement of the year, wasn't it? That he wasn't BIG on talking about stuff. ESPECIALLY his emotions. Nnoitra wasn't a chatty guy. He never had been. Most guys weren't, so it wasn't like there was anything strange about that. Most dudes didn't like talking about their emotions either. It was all a new, fucked-up modern invention that guys should be "vulnerable" and "show their emotions". Guys who went with that were just looking for an excuse to show weakness. Looking for someone to tell them it was OKAY to act like some weak bitch, when that was never okay for a man.

This stranger was offering Nnoitra to talk to them. Alone. About anything. Sure, Nnoitra had things on his mind that he ( maybe ) WOULD like to talk to someone about. Not necessarily talk a lot, but just mention a few things out loud. To vent a little, maybe. Perhaps he would've been more willing to do so if he'd thought it would actually make him feel better. However, he knew it would just make him feel weak and pathetic. He'd rather fucking NOT.

And - why the fuck should he pour his heart out to some random-ass stranger? What was worse, a stranger who clearly had the wrong fucking idea about him, and was treating him in an extremely condescending way. Calling him "honey", like he was some lost little kid.

They thought he was a good person under all the "tough exterior". They wanted to see the REAL him? He fucking hated the tone. How they spoke to him. Do you think you can do that? I know it may be hard at first, but I promise it'll be worth it. Fuck off. FUCK RIGHT OFF! Who the fuck did they think they were, huh? That they could just pretend to ask nicely and he'd spill all his deepest thoughts? What a fucking joke.

The biggest joke here was that they were painting him with the classic misunderstood paint. Yeah, to them he was just some wannabe-tough guy who they could soften up with their bullshit talk. And he'd reveal himself to be all soft on the inside. TOO BAD. The "tough exterior" was, believe it or not, Nnoitra's nicest side. It was the side he portrayed to the world so that he would at least not be sent to fucking prison. The side that made him a somewhat functioning member of society. Beneath? He was WORSE. So much worse. So bad that everyone who'd seen that side of him ( or rather, the two people ) had been so afraid of him that they had chose to RUN AWAY.

❝ Fuck off. ❞ He spat, clearly annoyed, bordering on angry. He hated being talked to in the manner the stranger had just addressed him. Calling him "honey", and treating him like a broken toy. ❝ I ain't some 'lil broken bitch boy ya need 'ta FIX. ❞

#[ oh ho ho ho NICE ANON 8))))))) loved answering this thank you VERY MUCH for sending! ] #[ i'm sorry nnoitra is so aggressive and uncooperative fjfjfjf ] #[ but yeah this is definitely not the right approach to make him open up ahaha ] #[ building that sort of trust with him would take a gooooood while ] #[ and it would have to be a lot more subtle ] #[ he sees this type of kindness as being condescending ] #[ and he's very unlikely to open up to a stranger in the first place t-t ] #[ but very fun to write !! again thank you for sending and i'm sorry he's like this xDD ] #despair for me. ╱ in character. #talking shit. ╱ answers. #burn the city. ╱ main verse.

[despairforme]

she's been busy lately and it's kind of taken a lot out of her. still, when nnoitra texted her to ask if she wanted to watch some movies together, she was more than happy to agree. agatha made sure she looked okay before driving over to his home, greeting him with a big smile and a hug, telling him she was happy to see him as he let her inside. she offers to order pizza and soda, which didn't take long to get here after she made the call. the benefits of still living in or close to the city: relatively fast delivery times. agatha dishes out the pizza and pours soda into cups, soon getting comfortable beside her friend. she makes it through the first movie just fine and finishes eating and drinking when the second movie comes on. it's about halfway through when she starts to have trouble staying awake. she can't seem to help herself when she's so comfortable and relaxed in nnoitra's presence, leaning against him and resting her head on his arm as she dozes off.

He had the night off, which sucked. He didn't think getting time off work was something people usually associated with a bad time. He just really enjoyed his job, okay? To make things worse, it was raining, which meant he couldn't even go outside without feeling gloomy. Since he didn't have any indoor hobbies, the only thing he could do was sit and watch TV. He sure as shit wasn't looking forward to a whole evening of rotting on the couch. He was laying on the couch, his body so long it took up all space. He was holding his phone in one hand, playing with it like it was a fidget spinner (his actual fidget spinner was in the pocket of his coat). Should he text someone? Unfortunately, right now he didn't have anyone he could ask over for sex. How about a friend? Nnoitra wasn't very good at taking the initiative to socialize. Was THAT one of the reasons why he'd been feeling so lonely lately?

A small flicker of inspiration hit him, and he unlocked his phone, scrolling his list of contacts. He actually... Had quite a lot of friends. People who'd stuck with him for YEARS. He had a tendency to only think about what he'd lost. His friends... They'd been with him all along. Some of them had even RETURNED after not being in contact with him for a good while. They could've used that opportunity to cut him out of their lives, but they hadn't. Thinking about that fact gave him a nice feeling.

He decided he'd text Agatha If she was busy, he could text someone else. Hm. Maybe he shouldn't feel all that lonely after all? He asked Agatha if she wanted to come over and watch some movies. He hoped it wouldn't come across as "netflix and chill", because if it did, then Agatha would definitely say no.

A few moments later, a text buzzed in, accepting the invitation. Nice.

His apartment wasn't THAT messy, and in any case, he wasn't the type of guy who'd clean just because he was having a visitor. He wasn't going to do anything about the dirty dishes and take-away boxes in the kitchen, or the semi-tall laundry pile in the corner.

It didn't take long before she arrived. She must've driven here ( no wonder, thanks to the rain ). Nnoitra often forgot that driving was an option for most people, because he, himself didn't have a driver's license. He went down open the door for her. As usual, she greeted him with a hug. She was one of the only people who hugged him, and even if he SHOULD be used to it, he was always taken aback. It made him feel like she really was happy to see him though ( which she told him, but the hug spoke louder to him ). He didn't think he needed to say anything like that, because HE was the one who'd invited her, so obviously he wanted to see her. He'd lead her up to his apartment on the 4th floor. She'd visited him before so there would be no surprises for her.

Nnoitra was already in a better mood for having her here, and it got even better when she suggested ordering food. He eagerly agreed, telling her that there should be LOTS OF MEAT on his pizza. As well as pineapple. He enjoyed sweets, okay? Agatha made the call, and while they waited for the pizza to arrive ( the pizza joint was just down the street, it wouldn't take long ) they decided on which movie to watch first. They decided ( or rather, Nnoitra decided ) on a sci-fi thriller which turned out to be rather comedic, which Nnoitra appreciated. He was glad Agatha didn't insist om them watching some chick-flick movie. She probably knew that he'd never agree to that. He had to watch the movie sitting up. Usually he'd be laying down when he was on the couch. He stretched his legs out and rested them on the coffee table.

The pizza arrived quickly, and Nnoitra paused the movie while Agatha got some plates ( he would've just eaten out of the box usually ), and two cups ( he'd just drink the soda from the bottle if he was on his own ). The soda was poured, and the two pizza boxes placed and opened on the coffee table. Nnoitra had insisted they'd get two, because he could EASILY eat a big pizza all on his own.

It was kinda cozy, sitting there together with a friend, eating pizza and watching a not-so-great movie. Nnoitra enjoyed sci-fi, so he was way more into it than Agatha. As it turned out, there was a sequel to the first movie, so once it ended, Nnoitra suggested they'd watch the second one as well. Agatha didn't protest. Nnoitra had finished his own pizza by now, and was sneakily helping himself to a couple of slices from hers as well.

The second movie was almost identical to the first. The same characters and borderline the same plot - just a lower budget so it wasn't as good. Nnoitra was still watching it though, finding it easier to pay attention when he was sitting up straight. Suddenly, he felt a small weight against his arm. He turned his head and - wow. Agatha had fallen asleep leaning against him. He'd never had that happen before. Chicks generally didn't feel safe around him, not even his friends ( at least he guessed they didn't ). Yet... She was obviously comfortable enough to doze off. When was the last time he'd made someone feel safe? A long, long time. Not even Grimmjow had felt safe around him. Having Agatha find his presence this relaxing was a surprise, and - it was really nice. Not just because he'd now be able to eat the rest of her pizza while she slept.

#fiorserpen #[ aaaaaaaaaaaa this is the cutest ] #[ LOVED writing it <5<5<5 ] #[ their friendship is sO wholesome i'm blessed ] #[ thank you so much for sending!! ] #[ nnoitra is shook ] #[ nobody ever felt safe around him t-t ] #[ it's proof to him that he's not ALL bad ] #[ i'm not emotional about it NOT AT ALL ] #despair for me. ╱ in character. #talking shit. ╱ answers. #burn the city. ╱ main verse.

[despairforme]

Who is gonna make him laugh like this?

#[ nnoitra's genuine non-evil smile is like the most wholesome thing in the world ] #[ i CRY i love himmmmmmm ] #[ been busy AGAIN rip ] #[ i'm painting my future art room!! so excited ] #[ i picked THE prettiest yellow for the accent wall and i'm obsessed ] #[ it's actually one of our guest rooms but i'll be using it for my future oil and acrylic paintings ] #[ and my watercolours of course ahaha ] #[ anyways! i'm very excited and AS USUAL i'm in a v good mood! ] #[ enjoying a relaxing morning before i jump back into painting the walls ] #[ gonna do a little bit of writing! :D ] #[ hope you're all doing good and thank you very much for your patience! ] #despair for me. ╱ in character.

[despairforme]

It was finally spring. The sun warm enough so that he could feel it on his skin when he held up his palm to the light. Urban birds singing as they gathered trash to make their nests. What a cliche. Another box of cliches that he was ticking was feeling better. Yeah, with warmer weather and the prospects of the world turning green, Nnoitra's mood wasn't as gloomy as it was during the winter months, when it was at its worst. However, this spring, he had a new feeling. Lingering. Tugging at him. He wasn't accustomed to having this feeling, so it had taken him a while to realize what it was. When he DID manage to understand what he was feeling, his very first instinct was ( as per usual ) to tell himself FUCK NO. What he was feeling was pathetic. He should just pull himself together. That's what he always told himself, and it never - ever worked. It might work temporarily, or on the surface. But deep down? It didn't work. So, what was he feeling? He was feeling lonely.

He had friends. Several of them, actually. He was more social now than he'd been for years. He even went to the gym, where he could have friendly-ish talks with others. So WHY was he feeling lonely? Maybe lonely wasn't even the right word. More... Isolated. Like there was an invisible barrier between him and everyone else. It was lame to call himself different, like he was some edgy emo teenager. But - what if he was different? It seemed to him that everyone else moved through their lives with a promise that things would end well. It wasn't like everyone around him were happy or whatever, but - happiness was in the cards for them. Nnoitra's deck didn't have that. And that... That made him feel really alone.

There was no solution to this problem. He knew he just needed to stop being a little bitch about it, and accept his situation. He couldn't talk to anyone about it. Not like that would've helped anyway. But he really, REALLY wished he could stop feeling like this. He didn't want to be alone.

#[ me analyzing how nnoitra feels these days: ] #[ oH so THAT'S how you feel my dude ] #[ t - t awww ] #[ and even this is better than how he felt this winter RIP ] #[ we will work through it spoon <5 ] #[ the funny thing is he has no idea LOTS of people with depression feel this way rip ] #despair for me. ╱ in character. #burn the city. ╱ main verse.

[despairforme]

A bad flirt with a big tongue is all some of us really need~

❝ Sounds kinda promisin'. ❞

#[ he likes where this is going 8) ] #[ thank you for flirting with him anon ahaha ] #despair for me. ╱ in character. #talking shit. ╱ answers.