ryn-stillstanding - Tumblr blog

ryn-stillstanding · 9 days

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i just want to feel good enough for somebody

i just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. i just want someone to send me little messages throughout the day. i just want someone that will bake cookies with me. i just want someone who will make coffee for us in the morning. i just want someone to be in the same room as me. i just want someone to be there when i need them to be. i just want someone to feel heard and understood when they talk to me. i just want someone who will let me softly sing to them. i just want someone to wipe tears from my eyes and hold my face in their hands. i just want someone to exist in the same room as me. i just want someone who will listen to my story. i just want someone who doesn't have reasons that they don't want to be with me. i just want someone to feel immensely loved by me. i just want someone to lay with. i just want someone i can come home to on a long day. i just want someone that will make me food on the days i feel bad. i just want someone to talk to. i just want someone to know that i will not judge them. i just want someone who will spend the day at the beach with me. i just want someone who will let me keep my leg overtop of theirs as we read books. i just want someone who will listen to my music, as awful as it is.

i just want someone to tell me that this isn't asking for too much

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ryn-stillstanding · 9 days

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why doesnt anyone want me?

what did i do? i keep asking myself. i want to ask other people, but i am worried that they will add it to their lists as to why they wont be with me.

oh god my brain hurts, i dont know how i am supposed to live with these memories.

people i have dated get brought up in conversations, because they are a part of me, they are just another part of my story. the name, or that specific memory, isn't what makes me upset. its that, everytime it happens, it brings on a flood of other memories - moments and words - that make me feel sick

for example, my first-ever boyfriend. he wouldnt talk to me in school, he wouldn't be seen with me, i broke up with him. whatever, i wasn't that interested anyway. but that leads to the first boy i loved, even though i had no right to - a boy that would kiss me, but wouldn't talk to me. who was interested in me, but wasn't interested in me. which brings me to another boy who, to which i thought, finally, the one that loves me and i love him too. and then he left, due to circumstance. it wasn't even me. and i told myself that because it was what he told me.

the night he broke things off, i got so drunk that i blacked out my vomit, and my tears, and my angry messages to him. i feel sick writing this. i said so many things, i looked pathetic. how could i have believed him? how could i have believed what he told me? how could i have believed someone would think that way about me?

and, every time since then - every time i try to find someone again - i never seem to be enough to make them want to be with me. am i not pretty enough? am i not feminine enough? too boring? too excited? I've tried being myself. ive tried being better than myself. ive tried being anyone other than myself.

still nobody wants me.

and, now, im alone. its been many years since ive felt one with another person. that i felt... not lonely. is it too much to ask to be held by someone? is it too much to ask to be listened to? is it too much to ask not to be alone anymore?

i guess i am just not good enough. not for anyone else. and not for me.

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ryn-stillstanding · 23 days

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i feel annoyed at how bpd is talked about.

not about the stereotypes that are played into, but it’s more about the fact that every time i want to learn more about my illness, all i can find is: “they have very unstable relationships which makes them feel bad and then they act out cause they are impulsive”

that’s a simplification and over exaggeration - but it’s true.

even in bpd subreddits, it’s people complaining and talking about their relationships and how it messes with them, asking for opinions.

i don’t mean to sound insensitive, because these are real issues. but im just tired of the other symptoms being ignored.

for me, it’s constant chronic (2+ years) intrusive suicidal thoughts, constantly feeling like i am being judged by those around me, sh’ing because i “need to be punished for my mistakes”, and being unable to tell anyone around me what i am going through because “if they knew, they would hate me”. its being so empty that i can’t tell if i, or the world around me, really exists.

it’s isolating, swinging from happy to suicidal in just a few minutes. it’s feeling rage because nobody knows what ive been through, but being unable to tell anyone. it’s repeating my worst memories over, and over, and over again until i can’t take it anymore.

im not comparing experiences, they are all valid. but i am tired of not seeing any representation of my experiences in bpd communities - and of seeing 700 “my boyfriend did [x] and then i did/feel [y]” posts instead.

am i alone in how i feel? do i even have bpd?

somehow, even after a diagnosis, i convince myself this is something i have made up for attention, even if its something that i never talk about.

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ryn-stillstanding · 24 days

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i am ALMOST 20LBS DOWN!!!

with a sw of 204, i am now 185 - and i feel a million times better. I am probably closer to 30lbs down from my hw, but i don’t count it cause i didn’t have a scale back then.

i never actually thought i could get out of the 190’s, but now i can TASTE my first goal weight of 170

im still only halfway to that goal, but i am kicking it back into high gear in one week once school is done. without sticking to my solid rules the last couple months, ive been losing at a rate of 5lbs every 3 weeks. not ideal, but i am getting there.

and i will get there even faster once i go back to my rules. i seriously cannot wait, i look back at pictures from when i started and i just think:

if i look this much better 20lbs down, i cant imagine what 20lbs down from my cw will look like…

wishing good results for all of you <3

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ryn-stillstanding · 27 days

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just want to post my timeline on here, so i can refer back to it later... also, in case anyone cares about my updates lol

jan 1: ~210-220

highest ever weight

not 100% sure cause i didnt own a scale back then

this was my breaking point - i started to go to the gym and eating healthy

cut out binge eating

jan 28: 204

official starting weight

wasnt getting the results i wanted the "healthy" way

started eating 500-800cal / day

started going on 5k walks daily

feb 4: 200.6

stuck to my rules, goals, and routines

took a 2 week vacation + maintained

feb 25: 195.6

was so SO excited to make it out of the 200s (love all of the support i got on here)

started falling out of my routine

got a new job, which made restriction easier, but exercise harder

190: mar 13

crunch time for school and work - need mental focus

still only eating 1 meal a day, but stopped counting calories

eating more made/makes me really anxious and out of control

stress with school and work took the center stage

186.6: mar 29

currently busy with other things

i assume i am eating 1000 calories a day, give or take

the days im at school, i eat more - the days im at work, i eat less

i have less willpower, i find it easier to give in now that im not counting

in a week, im done school - then i will go back to walking, calorie counting, and rules

with the lack of rules i have right now, i am losing 9lbs every month. this isnt ideal. im not happy with it. but, progress is progress.

i am really excited to get back to my rules and make some serious progress. with every pound i lose, i feel brighter, and more confident in what i look like. i actually cant wait to get to my first goal of 170.

170 is where i was a year ago. i can get back to it. i can surpass it.

#thinspø #ed advice #i need to be weightless #i need to lose so much weight #i need to lose this weight #low cal restriction #high restriction #i wish i was weightless #restricted diet #ana rant #proannna #anorexies #anor3c1a #tw restrictive ed #calorie restriction #ed disorder #tw ed diet #ed blogg

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ryn-stillstanding · 1 month

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nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

^ this is something i have never believed for some reason. until i started seeing results.

i am so confident now that I can wear whatever i want.

i am seeing the person i used to know.

i am beautiful again.

i am 30-20lbs down. my face is losing its roundness. I can feel my ribs again. i am brighter, i am lighter, i am better.

say it with me: nothing. tastes. as. good. as. skinny. feels.

#ed disorder #ed not ed sheeran #tw restrictive ed #thinspø #tw ed diet #ed advice #tw disordered eating #⭐️ving #i want to ⭐️ve #tw ana diary #ana bllog #ed not sheeren #⭐️rving #i wanna ⭐️ve #i need to ⭐️ve #⭐️ve #anor3c1a #anorexies

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ryn-stillstanding · 1 month

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so, ive been inactive on here. its been a wild few weeks.

i used to open tumblr a few times a day and make posts sometimes several times a day. the last few weeks have been filled with exams, long shifts at work, and other stressful life changes.

ive stopped tracking calories, for fear of what I will see. ive been drinking more coffee (specifically Starbucks or other sweet coffees) and eating more snacks. ive stopped walking, because i dont actually have the time in a day to go to the gym. a big reason for the coffee and eating is to maintain mental sharpness at work and school.

but, in my failures, i still recognize my wins.

i dont eat more than one meal a day. the snacks i do eat are controlled and still low calorie. i understand i need to maintain this mental sharpness in my daily life to get by. although i stopped tracking, i know i am only consuming 1000cal a day (with some days being over, and some being under). i am proud of myself for still losing 12lbs over the last month.

but, I feel like shit for not following the rules I set for myself.

with this in mind, i am swearing to myself to get back on track when school ends for the summer. i will get back to how i was living before, and i will be happy with how i am living.

anyways, this is my long way of saying, I am still driven to reach and surpass the goals i have set for myself.

thanks for reading + following along in my journey :)

#ed disorder #ed not ed sheeran #tw restrictive ed #tw ed diet #ed advice #tw disordered eating #⭐️ving #i want to ⭐️ve #tw ana diary #ed not sheeren #ana bllog #anatumblr #ana rant #ana trigger #anaorexya

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ryn-stillstanding · 2 months

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thanks sm <3 i might have to build up some muscle once i drop a few dozen pounds haha i like weight training, and once you build up muscle, it burns wayy more calories

i am terrified of loose skin.

i am 21, and around 200lbs, and i want to lose 50-70lbs. does anyone have any experiences with loose skin after losing weight with a large calorie restriction?

i figured that its best to do this now, because if i wait any longer, i will definitely have loose skin :(

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ryn-stillstanding · 2 months

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getting back on track tomorrow…

after a few days of adjusting to my new (super stressful, super exhausting) job. im picking up where i left off.

starting to count absolutely everything again. buying more low cal groceries (ive been scraping the bottom of my pantry cause we had a bad storm, haven’t made the best decisions). and making sure i follow my 500cal goal.

small setbacks are normal. im still losing weight, even when i dont make my cal goal or hard limit. i am going to lose this weight.

i am so close to 190 i can taste it

(no ed pun intended lol)

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ryn-stillstanding · 2 months

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was trying to figure out why tf my arms and legs are shrinking, but my stomach is still massive

so, im gonna nerd out for a bit…

there are two receptors in fat cells - Alpha and Beta receptors. beta receptors burn the fat cells immediately when you aren’t getting enough energy from your diet.

alpha receptors tell your body to hold onto fat for future use. every cell has both of these receptors, but in all of them, one receptor is more dominant.

for some people, more of their cells have alpha receptors, for others, they have more beta receptors. and, different parts of your body have more of one receptor (hence my stubborn belly fat)

the key to burning the alpha-based cells is catecholamimes. these travel through your blood stream and attach to the receptors.

here’s what ive learned in my research:

-> insulin levels are important: low carb diets and intermittent fasting are key to keeping insulin levels low

-> blood flow is also important: stimulating blood flow to certain areas where you hold onto fat can help

-> exercise: you can’t burn fat in one area, but you can use exercise to move blood to different areas of your body. moving your body just a little bit every day can increase your blood flow overall.

from what im hearing, the way that the ed diet works is by fasting for long periods of time and by eating small meals. any food spikes your insulin and doesn’t access your alpha receptors. so, keeping meals small and/or eating within a small window of time each day, you fall more easily into fat burning mode, even with areas of stubborn fat.

anyways, interesting tidbit i learned!

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ryn-stillstanding · 2 months

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feeling like a failure lately…

ive still lost 4lbs this week, but i still feel like i am not following my diet. ive hit and surpassed my 700cal limit all week. i stopped walking everyday like i used to.

this is mostly because i started a new job, with 10 hour shifts. im too exhausted to walk, and even if i felt like i could, its dark before i leave and when i get home. when i get home, im too lazy to make anything healthy, too lazy to buy more low cal snacks.

i feel awful. i still haven’t eaten close to 1000cal a day, but i feel like im cheating on myself.

i hate this feeling.

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ryn-stillstanding · 2 months

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thinking about how different things would have been if it never happened

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ryn-stillstanding · 2 months

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ive been largely medicated for so long, i don't know what normal is for me anymore...

for the last 2 years, ive been on large doses of multiple meds at a time. trying mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety, antidepressants, usually multiple different ones at the same time.

i dont know what parts of myself are me, and which are side effects of medications.

before my brain started attacking itself, did i have a stutter? did i have such a hard time communicating my thoughts? were my lips always this chapped? was i always this tired? did i drop things as much as i do now? was i more interested in relationships? more invested in friendships?

i know we all change, but meds changing the way you talk, walk, act, live - it isn't talked about as much as it should be. i used to be really smart, you know? i used to have amazing ideas, and complex, intricate thoughts. and i never had issues communicating these. i used to be passionate about my future, determined, and driven.

i just feel like ive lost so much of myself to my mental illness. and ive lost what scraps were left to my medications.

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ryn-stillstanding · 2 months

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wearing baggy clothes now so when summer comes around they’ll all be shocked by my body >>>>>

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ryn-stillstanding · 2 months

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i would be the most beautiful skinny person...

after losing ~20lbs, im starting to see my old face and my old body again. im remembering that my cheekbones are really high and pronounced. im noticing that you can see the slight shadow of my collarbones even on my obese body. im remembering that the lines on the side of my body are indents from my ribs, not rolls of fat.

other than this, i had xrays done a while back and they discovered that i am missing my last set of ribs. that's why, even with my obese body, i still have an hourglass look from the front (my side profile is horrendous). but, to make up for it, my hips are very long + high.

still, i have to remind myself that everything will only get more pronounced as the weight continues to drop.

my chubby cheeks will sink in. my collarbones will frame my chest. my ribs will poke through. and my waist will be thin.

ive got a long way to go, but i cant wait for it.

#ed disorder #ed not ed sheeran #tw restrictive ed #thinspø #tw ed diet #ed advice #tw disordered eating #⭐️ving #i want to ⭐️ve #tw ana diary #ana bllog #ana trigger #@na motivation #@na trigger #low cal restriction #high restriction #tw restriction #restricted diet

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ryn-stillstanding · 2 months

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I BROKE 200LBS!!!!

i weighed myself this morning and i am 199!! i know this is a small win, and later in the day ill be over 200 with water and some food, but i am just so happy to see progress!

wishing the same for all of you 200+ baddies <3

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ryn-stillstanding · 2 months

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bpd feels :(

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