#youre just left there. youre told the cycle will repeat and thats it. you wait. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

minminho0 · 1 year

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◈Empty promises◈

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-Angst ~ No comfort

Summary: No matter how sweet his words and promises are, you knew deep down that its just bluff.

Gender: Female

Warnings: Cheating, Neglect, bad writing skills, toxic relationship, leaving without telling a word[thats all i think]

A/n: This story is inspired by @myyaworld

I hope you enjoy~!

(Feel free to correct my grammar)

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It was honestly pretty tiring, sleeping, waking up, and eating without him by your side.

He barely comes home!

You grew tired but you hold on because you thought he will change and you loved him to much.

'Dear Diluc, '

You send him letter every single day but you never get nothing in return to the point that you think that the letters never reached him.

You finally grew suspicious when your friend(a worker of his) told you thats hes not coming home to you cuz hes too busy fucking other womens to even think abt you.

You remembered that back then he also cheated on you but asked for forgiveness and said those empty promises he made.

"I promise i will never do it again! Please forgive me!"

"I can never think my life without you"

"I love you, only you! Those other women meant nothing to me"

And blah blah blah

He made so many empty promises that you cant even remember the last time he kept one.

One day, when he went out to go to work. You saw he forgot his lunch and decided that you can bring it to him.

You went to his bar but before you can even go inside, you saw through the window him with another woman sitting on his lap.

You were stunned but not suprised

You kind of expected this but not so soon..

Its only been 1 month since his last cheat..

Ig it already turned into a routine, a cycle...

Diluc cheating

You finding out

Diluc asking for forgiveness

You forgive him

He gives you affection for 1 week

Then suddenly act like strangers

He cheats

Then the cycle repeats..again..again...and again..

It all started when you two got married

He wasn't like this before..

Back then..

He always makes time for you even if its just short..

He pampers you with affection everyday

You always go to bed snuggled on him

You eat with him

You hang out with him

And etc.

But now?

Why?

Did he got bored of you after 6 years of being together?

Well..you cant blame him, after 6 years with being with someone and always drowning yourself with work, of course he got tired and wanted to try someone new..

You got tired of this cycle

You patiently waited for him for years but in the end..you got nothing but lies.

You were so..delusional..and always at your own little world thinking things thats probably not possible..

Thats why, you get your hopes up for nothing.

'Dear Diluc,'

You wrote Diluc one final letter..

You were done, you were hurt

You were leaving him for good

You wrote at the letter on

how unhappy you both are

How it good if you both seperate ways

How you wont be coming back

How your hurt

Everything you felt

You put it all there..

But you didn't tell him that your moving to liyue..

Your mother needs assistant and asked you to help her when your free, you accepted and will be leaving in a few minutes...

You left the letter at the counter, where it is visible when he comes home.

You started packing your things on a suitcase.

You left your ring

You left everything that he gave you so you wont feel in dept.

You put on your coat and headed out the door.

You gave one last look at the house before leaving for good.

You were finally free.

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*Masterlist*

Heyy i hope you enjoyed it!

Sorry its a bit short!🫠

-January 23 2023

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bibbawrites · 3 years

Text

She - Carrie Wilson x Female Reader (SMUT 18+)

Request: girl x girl with Carrie having a bad day cause of Julie and needs to let off the anger with giving the reader an/some orgasm(s)?

Word Count: 1770 words

Summary: after being upstaged by julie at the school spirit rally carrie needs a way to work her anger out, and you are more than happy to be of assistance

Warnings: sex (obviously), oral sex (female receiving), fingering, use of sex toys, swearing, overstimulation, slight dom

A/N: i finally got the motivation to write this and i dont completely hate it which is good haha sorry for any mistakes in editing, i got a bit lazy and just skim read it while cuddling a kitten lol so if theres any mistakes thats why also no hate to julie or flynn but obviously carrie’s girlfriend wouldn’t like them and neither does carrie so yeah thats why they get shit on anyways, hope you enjoy!!!

Tag List: @happinessinthedarkesttimes @littlemissaddict @vicesvsvirtuesfanfic @headheartbellarke @lovesanimals @bartok-the-magnificent @juliefromaustralia @multi-universe21 @rangerelik @kaitieskidmore1 @katrina765 @fandomxreaders @ifilwtmfc

“I swear Molina does this shit on purpose, just to piss me off.” Carrie ranted as the two of you walked down the hallway after the spirit rally.

“Do you know how hard I worked on that routine? And she just has to go and upstage me with some stupid fucking hologram act? Which came out of nowhere, might I add.” She continued, and you nodded, not wanting to sat the wrong thing and make it worse.

You stood back and watched as your girlfriend confronted Julie, rolling your eyes at Nick who decided to step in. He never truly knew how to deal with Carrie. He followed as Carrie walked away and you hurried to catch up, grabbing onto your girfriend’s hand as she repeated her rant from earlier.

The bell rang as Carrie turned to walk away, pulling you along with her.

“Where are we going? Science is the other way.” You questioned. Carrie shook her head.

“We’re not going to science.” She replied, pulling you into a janitors closet and shutting the door behind you.

“Oh.” You said, understanding the situation.

Carrie pulled you towards her, your lips crashing against hers. She tasted like she always did, like her favourite peach lipgloss and mint. Kissing Carrie was like the perfect duet, her lips were made to intertwine with yours.

You were snapped out of your thoughts by Carrie shoving you against the wall, her lips moving from yours to trail down your neck, sucking marks into your skin as she went.

“Carrie.” You mumbled. “Are we really gonna do this here?”

She took a step back, eyeing you carefully, before pulling out her phone and pressing it to her ear.

“Dad? I need you to call the school and excuse me and Y/N for the rest of the day.” She spoke and your eyes widened. You could hear the muffled sound of Carrie’s dad talking on the other end. She bit her lip.

“It’s a girl problem.” She said after a moment. Her dad replied and a smile appeared on your girlfriend’s face.

“Yes that kind of girl problem. Poor Y/N is feeling horrible, the cramps are just so bad on the first day of her cycle.” Carrie put on a sympathetic voice and after a moment she gave you a thumbs up and said goodbye to her father before hanging up.

“How good are you at acting?” She questioned. You shrugged.

“Decent enough, why?” You replied.

“My dad is coming to pick us up and drop us home at my house. You’re having a really bad period and you need to get some rest.”

You nodded in understanding, and together you made your way outside, waiting for Trevor to arrive, and once he did you made sure to clutch at your stomach and lean on your girlfriend as she helped you into the car.

“Do you need anything Y/N?” Trevor asked, as he drove the two of you home. “I can get whatever pads or tampons you need, and I can heat up a heat pack or get medication for your cramps.”

Your heart swelled at the caring gesture.

“I should be okay with just a lie down.” You replied. “But I’ll let you know if I need anything. Thank you.”

“Of course. Anything to make you more comfortable.” Trevor responded as he pulled the car into the driveway.

“I’ll go get you girls some pizza. I know Carrie loves comfort foods on her period.” He offered. You and Carrie exchanged a look, but agreed, and before you knew it you were flopping down onto your girlfriend’s king sized bed.

“I feel kinda guilty.” You admitted. Carrie sighed.

“Me too. Why does he have to be such a good dad?” She groaned.

“Too late now to backtrack.” You said. Carrie nodded, rolling closer to you and pulling you into her arms.

“Guess we should just make the most of our time together then.”

An hour and several slices of pizza later and Carrie and you had her whole house to yourselves, with her dad leaving for some meeting that would take several hours.

Carrie had been staring at the wall for the past 15 minutes and you were starting to get worried about your girlfriend. You moved slightly, placing a hand on her shoulder, and she turned to look at you.

“Are you okay?” You questioned.

“Just thinking about Julie again.” She explained, an annoyed look appearing on her face.

“You need to forget about her babe. She’s not worth your time.” You stated, but Carrie ignored you, staring back at the wall again.

“I just can’t believe she upstaged me after all the hard work we put into our performance.” She ranted. You took her hand.

“If it makes you feel better, I thought that Dirty Candy was better by far.” You said, squeezing her hand.

“You have to say that, you’re my girlfriend.” She rolled her eyes, but the light blush on her cheeks told you that she appreciated the compliment. You fell into silence for a moment, before an idea popped into your head.

“Carrie.” You said.

“What?” She replied, without even looking at you.

“Remember that time that Flynn called me your bitch and I got so pissed off at her and you worked my anger out with some of the hottest sex we’ve ever had?” You asked. That got her attention, and she turned to look at you.

“Yeah?” Her eyes lingered on your lips for a few seconds.

“Use me.” You stated. She bit her lip.

“You sure?” She checked. You nodded.

“Positive. I’m all yours to do whatever you want to me.” You assured her.

“In that case...” Carrie sat up, her look suddenly very serious. “Take off your clothes. Now.”

You obeyed, pulling your Dirty Candy t-shirt and your denim shorts quickly, and after a quick glance at Carrie, stripped your underwear and bra off too.

“Lie down.” Carrie instructed, and you did as she said. You watched as she moved down her bed and spread your legs, her eyes never once leaving yours.

She lent down and licked a strip up your pussy and you moaned loudly, not holding back since you knew that Trevor was gone.

Carrie smirked, before moving to eat you out, her tongue swirling against your clit as she inserted a finger into you.

“Carrie.” You moaned out, and she grazed her teeth along your clit as a response.

“Holy shit.” You muttered, tangling your fingers through her hair.

She added a second finger and your head fell back in pleasure. She really wasn’t holding back. You could feel the familiar feeling of your orgasm pooling in your stomach.

“I’m not going to last if you keep doing that.” You breathed out, and she ignored you, curling her fingers inside you to hit your g-spot. You gasped loudly.

“Carrie, please.” You moaned.

“Cum for me baby.” She said, her mouth never leaving your clit, and the vibrations sent you tumbling over the edge, cumming with a loud moan of her name.

She worked you through your orgasm before moving away, and you shut your eyes to take a moment. The bed dipped as Carrie climbed back onto it, and before you could react she was pressing a vibrator to your already sensitive clit.

“Carrie, what?” You asked, eyes opening quickly.

“You didn’t think I’d stop at one, did you?” She teased, pressing the vibrator against you again, causing your already sensitive body to twitch. You bit your lip, unable to respond. She grinned at you.

“How many orgasms have you had in one go before?” She questioned.

“Three.” You answered. She paused, thinking.

“You can do more than that.” She decided, and your eyes widened. You opened your mouth to reply but she pressed the vibrator to your clit again, this time turning the level on the vibrator up. You squirmed, not even having time to warn her before your second orgasm hit.

Smirking, Carrie left the vibrator on your clit, holding your hips down with her spare hand to stop you from trying to move away. The intense vibration so soon after your second orgasm had you cumming again in what felt like no time.

“Please no more. I can’t take it.” You begged. Carrie shook her head.

“Yes you can baby, I know you can.” She assured you.

“I can’t Carrie, please.” You whined. She paused.

“One more.” She decided. You whimpered as her fingers entered you once again, stretching you slightly, before she slid them out and slid the vibrator into you.

You cried out, hot tears spilling down your cheeks as Carrie put her mouth back onto your clit, every little movement sending shudders through your overly sensitive body.

“Come on baby, one more, you can do it.” Carrie coaxed, her tongue swirling against your clit. She angled the vibrator to hit your g-spot and that was enough to bring you to your fourth orgasm.

“Good girl.” Carrie praised, removing the vibrator from you. Your body was shaking and your face was wet with tears. You knew you looked like a wreck.

“I think we should have a bath.” Carrie decided, helping you into the bathroom.

She helped you to sit on the closed toilet, before starting the bath, adding in your favourite Lush bubble bar that she always kept for when you were over, and some soothing bath soak. Once she was done she turned back to you.

“I’ll be right back, okay?” She whispered, pressing a soft kiss to your lips. You just nodded, too exhausted to speak.

Carrie was back in no time, carrying two pairs of soft pyjamas, and some apple juice with ice. She placed them down on the cabinet before turning the water off on the bath and adding in a bath bomb. She lit the candles surrounding the bath before turning her attention to you.

“Ready to get in?” She questioned.

“Yeah, I might need some help though.” You replied, your voice shaky. Carrie grinned, walking over to you and wrapping her arm around your waist to help you over to the bath. She helped you climb in before stripping off her clothes and climbing in with you, sitting herself behind you so that you could lean back against her.

“Feel better now?” You asked in a soft voice. Carrie pressed a kiss to your bare shoulder.

“I do. Thank you, I love you.” She murmured.

“I love you too. And anytime, I’ll always be here.” You responded, shutting your eyes as you snuggled against your girlfriend.

And you meant it.

#carrie wilson #carrie wilson x reader #carrie wilson x female reader #carrie wilson smut #reader insert #lesbian carrie rights #carrie is a good girlfriend #trevor is a good dad

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suganovakawa · 4 years

Note

hi! i found ur blog through saudade and was like!! this the good kush! and earlier i was scrolling through ur blog and saw the jealous hcs and suga's was so accurate 😭 i can totally see him being all smiley and passive aggressive like 'do you want something haha? >:)' anyways! can i request reader being sad and doubting their relationship with noya and tanaka (separate) bc they always talk abt kiyoko and how beautiful she is and how they feel abt her? thank u so much, pls take care of urself!!!

the potential this one has OMG yes i am on it 🥺 u better be taking care of yourself too , anonnie !!!

𝐈𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐄𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄 .

karasuno boys remind you that you’re always going to be number one in their eyes, no matter what !

— check out my masterlist !!

we all know kiyoko is a goddess , but it’d be nice if your boyfriend could give you some of that love too , y’know ? let’s see how these two make up for giving kiyoko too much attention .

a / n : YALL . THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 500 FOLLOWERS THATS SO HARD FOR MY BRAIN TO REGISTERSJFJJDJFJD AHHHHH ILY GUYS SO MUCH 🥺💞💘💓💓💘💞💘💞

also yuu’s came out really really long so do be prepared for that — ryu’s isn’t as long because he praises kiyoko the same way yuu does , so there’s no need to repeat everything fjjdndjsjd

— ask to be part of my gen taglist !

taglist : @yams046 @janellion @avylee

yuu nishinoya

yuu has bunches of love to go around , believe me

but sometimes , it really doesn’t seem that way , y’know ?

you knew even before your relationship with the guardian deity that he was a simp for kiyoko ; how he also fell for you was even a surprise for you

but noya definitely does try and show you that you that you have a special place in his heart , even if he gawks over the team manager at times

but when his appreciation for kiyoko gets out of hand , oh it really gets out of hand

the first time it happened , you were completely shattered — however , you weren’t sure how to even handle a situation like that

everyday of just — “ kiyoko ” this , “ shimizu ” that . . . it was a never ending cycle of yuu going on and on about how the karasuno team manager was just so perfect at everything she does , that she was the paragon of beauty and so forth

and while you held no grudge against kiyoko — hell , she made it very clear that she had absolutely no interest in yuu . like , multiple times — seeing him gush over her so much made you feel self conscious in yourself

you were his significant other , weren’t you ?

so why wasn’t he treating you that way ?

it came to a point where you just didn't say anything the moment yuu brought up kiyoko . there was no point in trying to stop him or changing the subject , because once he was on a roll ; he was on a mf roll

god , even the first years could see that noya was giving kiyoko more attention than you

the only one besides noya who didn't notice this was tanaka , who was just as smitten over kiyoko as the libero was

and everyday , it was the same old topic ; didn't they have anything else to talk about ?

" DUUUUUDE . YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED . "

" WHAT , BRO ? "

" KIYOKO PICKED UP MY PENCIL FOR ME WHEN I DROPPED IT IN FRONT OF HER TODAY . I AM NEVER USING ANOTHER PENCIL AGAIN . "

" DAMN , YOU'RE SO LUCKY ! I NEED TO GET HER TO DO THAT FOR ME TOO "

and your snapping point : yuu choosing to help kiyoko clean stuff up instead of walking you home after practice

was this his way of breaking up with you ? whatever it was , you couldn't handle it anymore . just seeing yuu give so much of his time to kiyoko was heartbreaking for you ; you even began to question if you really were a significant other figure to nishinoya

you stopped showing up to practice

and shortly after , you avoided and ignored the second year as a whole

it took about less than two days for noya to realize that you weren’t around for him

and even worse — you seemed to have no interest in talking to him when he did try and approach you

uh oh , he really messed up now

he approached the third years with his head hung low , wanted advice on how to talk to you again

and they were willing to help , of course ; but not before giving him absolute hell for not noticing his own actions sooner

it took three tries to get you to talk to noya again

daichi approached you first after class , wanting you to come back to practice again ; you politely told him no , and before he could press on further , you hastily turned heel and walked away

second attempt was suga and asahi , suga was more straightforward with his attempt at bringing you back , while the other was just there mainly for support ; he explained that noya felt apologetic and wanted to make it up to you , but you countered with “ if he really was sorry , he’d come himself . not make you do it for him . ” and you left

third time’s a charm — kiyoko was the final person to confront you

you were still upset , and she understood that completely — she explained that even with noya’s , ehem , worship over her , he still cares about you deeply ; he just gets overly excited and doesn’t know how to control it

and she added that there was no practice due to ukai being out that day , but yuu was still waiting for you in the gym

you finally gave in , walking slowly to see kiyoko’s words speak for themselves — there he was , sitting against the wall with his eyes staring intently at the ground

“ yuu . . . ”

his head popped upwards the moment he heard your voice , scrambling to his feet to sprint to you as fast as his two legs could take him

before you could say anything else , he jumped forward and pulled you into the biggest hug he could offer ; shakily , you hugged back with the same intensity , burying your face in him as he just continued to squeeze you as if you’d disappear if he dared let go

he began to blubber all sorts of apologies — about how stupid of a boyfriend he was , that he should’ve noticed he was hurting your feelings sooner , that he shouldn’t have been fawning over kiyoko

he would’ve continued , but you shut his mouth with a finger , smiling softly as you shook your head

“ it’s okay , i forgive you . it just . . . hurt my feelings , is all . i know you like kiyoko a lot , so i didn’t want to — ”

“ no , y/n . you’re my s.o. , i shouldn’t have been like that . you’re my priority , not kiyoko . she used to be , but not anymore . i know that now , and that will never happen again , i promise . ”

and believe me , his redemption went all out

he'd walk you to and from school , catch up with you after every class , walk you to lunch , compliment your clothes and remind you of how much he appreciates you having in his life - kiyoko basically became nonexistent to him after that

tanaka didn't seem to mind - now he had the manager all to himself KDKSKKD

once in a while he gets caught up again , but this time he's more wary of your feelings ; if he sees that your mood has changed even a little bit , he'll ask you if he's too much , and then he'll forget about kiyoko again

yuu definitely has a long way to go until he's a perfect boyfriend , but he'll dedicate himself to make sure you know that you're irreplaceable in his eyes

ryuunosuke tanaka

something tells me ryu would definitely be more attentive than yuu , but he's still a total simp for shimizu

the moment you stop coming to practice , oh he notices right away

i imagine it going the same way as noya — him just talking everyone’s ears off about kiyoko’s a goddess , that she deserves all the best things in the world . . . all while you’re right there next to him

it’s a stab in the heart , to put it lightly ; you can only take so much before it just downright hurts

you’ve tried to talk to tanaka about it — he’ll brush you off with a “ hey babe ! ” with a quick kiss to the forehead / cheek before running off to practice again

so naturally , you felt defeated , and could only defend yourself — your heart — by not going to practice anymore , as well as just avoiding him as a whole

oh boy , did tanaka feel like an absolute failure of a boyfriend

“ y/n was here at school today . . . why didn’t they show up for practice ? they’re usually here , helping set up the net before standing next to kiyoko ”

tsukishima will probably be the one to retort back to him — you are his senpai , and he noticed how dejected you were , the more ryuunosuke ignored you for the team manager

“ oh , y/n decided not to show up today . someone decided they were gonna be a better boyfriend , and not fawn and drool over someone else like a dweeb . ” tsukishima was a jerk , yes , but he hated that tanaka was just so blatantly ignorant to you ; you didn’t deserve that at all and he knew that

“ WHAT ? Y/N WOULD NEVER — ” his voice dropped as his eyes widened in realization , “ oh my god , i’ve been neglecting my own s.o. for kiyoko . . . ”

it was an awkward silence , the third years didn’t know if they should berate him or comfort him of his realization , the second years were feeling awkward AF ( especially yuu ) for not telling him sooner , and the rest of the first years weren’t exactly very well-versed in the romance department so they had absolutely no advice for the wing spiker

even ukai was confused that you weren’t there as he walked in “ where’s y/n ? they said they’d help me with — ”

a bunch of people giving him the “ NO NO NO NO NO ” signal as he finally lays eyes on ryu , keishin understanding that something must’ve happened

tanaka was not doing well that practice , too side tracked and too upset with himself to focus properly

it came to the point where daichi had to pull him aside , and give him a stern talking to

“ listen here , tanaka . i know you now understand how stupid you were in being so overly obsessive over kiyoko with y/n always standing right there , and simply , you are the one who needs to make things right with them . you should wait until tomorrow though , so you have time with them . they’re not the type of person to hate so easily , especially if it’s you . have this be a valuable lesson , and i hope you remember how important of a person y/n is , to us , and to you . ”

tanaka had a whole epiphany with daichi’s speech — damn right , you were his . so why did he need to simp over kiyoko , when he had an amazing s.o. already by his side ?

with the team’s permission , tanaka requested to miss practice the next day — he promised he’d make up for it the following day , he just wanted to spend more time with you and make up for what he did

it wasn’t easy for him , coming to grips with his own foolishness as he approached you after class

“ y/n . . . i want to take you somewhere after school , if that’s fine ? ”

though you were hesitant in responding , you didn’t have the nerve to look away , nor run . “ but ryu , don’t you have practice today ? ”

he smiled sheepishly and shrugged , “ i got permission from the others to skip it today , i just have to work even harder to make up for it . ” taking you by the hand , he pulled you closer to him “ besides , nothing is more important to me than treating my beloved s.o. to something special , especially after how poorly i treated you for the past few days ”

TANAKA IS GENTLEMAN MATERIAL OKAY , I STAND BY THIS ; A WHOLE CLOSETED GENTLEMAN BUT NO ONE WILL EVER GIVE THIS MAN A CHANCE none of y’all are ready for that conversation yet

but like woah , what happened to ryu ? going from kiyoko simp to this . . . it flustered you to the MAX

“ but in all seriousness y/n , i’m really sorry for how i acted . i shouldn’t have been paying so much attention to kiyoko like how i used to , now that i’m lucky enough to have you in my life . i want to try and make it up to you , starting with this badass cute date i’ve got planned for the two of us ! ”

you can’t help but smile as tanaka drags you out of the school , you’ve already forgiven him for just this precious moment alone

“ badass and cute aren’t words you’d use at the same time to describe something , ryu — ”

“ well , they are now ! ”

even kiyoko will be surprised at how he’s hardly even fazed by her at after today’s events ; ryuunosuke is a changed man , for you

you’ve got one of the biggest simps in haikyuu as your boyfriend , be prepared for how this mf is going to SPOIL . YOU .

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dreamingabouttaron · 3 years

Text

History Repeating - Part 3

Trigger Warning - Mentions of Unplanned Teenage Pregnancy and Vomit.

It took a couple of weeks for the tension in the Egerton household to cool down. Little sparks to arguments would abrupt out of nowhere due to the added stress that had been piled onto the family. Everyone tried to pretend everything was normal. You tried the hardest. Distracting yourself with school, homework, spending time with friends— you really tried. You had too. Even half-assing your attempt at normalcy would be enough to stop your emotions from crushing you. You felt like you were on a constant battle with your anxiety, which wasn’t helping your nausea.

You slowly walked down the stairs to find Taron sprawled out on the sofa. He was absentmindedly staring at the background on his phone, which you knew was an old throwback photo of the three of you, it was one he hadn’t changed for years. The picture always made him smile. As you stood silently watching, you felt your stomach lurch and bile rise up into your throat. Holding a hand firmly to your mouth, you stumbled your way back up the stairs, and hurry to the nearest toilet. Even though the distance between the stairs and the bathroom wasn’t very long, you barely made it to the toilet before you start vomiting. And it was probably the most intense vomiting session you’d ever had.

It only took a few minutes before you felt your dads calming presence by your side. He quickly grabbed your hair and hushed gentle words of support in your ear. Just like he had every single time you got sick. Just like he had with Lily. He ran his hand smoothly across your back making you instantly feel better. Once you finally finished, and were no longer dry heaving, you leant back on your knees. You try to catch your breath, brushing some tiny strands of hair from your sweaty face.

“Better?” Taron asked as you finally opened your eyes. You slowly nod your hair, not wanting to make any rapid movements incase they brought on another round of vomiting. Your dad had been there every step of the way, just like he had promised you. “Here, drink this.” He said as he pressed a cold glass to your lips. You took small sips of the water, washing the taste from your mouth. “Let me go and make you a green tea, you can sip on it in the car on the way to your appointment.”

You were thankful he was going to be there with you at your first appointment that afternoon. You didn’t think you could manage it on your own. While you were excited to go, you also felt nervous. What if something goes wrong? You can’t help but wonder — worry — that something will go horribly wrong and you’re not ready to deal with that. Certainly not on your own.

When you arrived for your appointment, you went over and signed in before relaxing into the waiting room with your dad. You looked around at all the other expectant parents. You could feel Taron stiffen as he looked around too. He was nervous for you. He wasn’t ready to become a grandparent in his late 30’s. Hell he thought his wife was pregnant not his daughter. But if he hadn’t got Lily pregnant so early, he wouldn’t be in this situation. Yet, he wouldn’t change it for the world. You were his world.

Fifteen minutes later your name was called and you both followed a tall thin lady into a room. You sat on the edge of the bed as you swung your feet back and forth looking at all the posters on the walls that talked about pregnancy, cervical dilation, and menstrual cycles. A few moments later; gentle knock on the door makes you flinch, your eyes snapping to the door as you watched it open. An older woman, with grey dark hair and a kind face, comes in and looks at you and Taron.

“Hi,” she says. “Grace?” You nod, she gives a warm smile, closes the door and sits across from you. “Hello, I’m Mary, I will be your ultrasound technician today. And this is…” She slowed her speech down as she looked to Taron with thin eyes.

“Hello, I’m her dad. I’m here for moral support.” He said as he replied with a short sharp smile.

“Wonderful.” She replied before turning back to you. She explained everything that was going to happen. It had been worked out that you were about 9-10 weeks pregnant. You sat and listened, trying to take in everything that she was saying. She instructs you to lie back against the bed. You lift your shirt up and flinch from the cold gel as it makes contact with your skin. You gulp with anxiety. Your eyes dart across the white clinical ceiling. Taron got up from his chair and went to the side of the bed, grabbing hold of his daughters hand before raising to place a gentle kiss on the back of it.

You both sat in silence watching every move the technician made on your flat stomach. It took you a moment to realise that you were holding your breath. You closed your eyes and tried to relax into the moment the best you could. You kept them closed until you heard your dad release a little audible gasp. You opened your eyes and looked at the tiny form on the screen.

“That’s it right?” You questioned with a slight shake in your voice.

“Yep, that’s your baby.” She replied with a smile on her face. As you stared at the screen, it filled you with such joy, you couldn’t even begin to put it into words.

“Can we hear the heartbeat?” Taron asked, as he squeezed your hand.

“Sure. Let me just…” Mary pushed a button and within seconds the sounds of the baby’s heart beating echo around the room. “That sounds like a very strong heartbeat to me.”

“Wow.” Was all you could say. You felt tears forming in your eyes. You had made that. That was your baby. Yours.

“It’s pretty amazing, isn’t it?” Taron asked whilst rubbing the top of your hand. “I remember when I heard your heartbeat for the first time.”

“Tan, are you okay?” Lily whispered turning to Taron who was loudly tapping his foot on the squeaky floor.

“Oh, um, yeah, everything's fine. All good. Are you okay?”

The second those words escaped his lips, he couldn't help but feel guilty. He wasn’t even sure why. It's not like he was lying. But he was feeling nervous. Really nervous. But that was normal right? Because according to the books he'd been reading, first time parents - or any parents actually - felt nervous for this. To be fair, it was more like a 'good' nervous; where he's happy and eager, but still getting butterflies in his stomach.

But the bottom line was that he's happy and excited. And why wouldn't he be? It's the first time he was going to see his baby, and he has been looking forward to this day ever since learning about Lily’s pregnancy. It's still weird to him - they're having a baby. A baby! A tiny little version of them.

Thats when it hit them - the sound they've been waiting to hear. Taron and Lily both had that classic excited-but-nervous expression on their faces. There's one moment when they try to laugh, but then they immediately go back to being serious. They just listen to the pattern - dum-dum-dum-dum-dum…

“I-Is that…?” Taron started. His face must have been a picture.

“That’s your baby's heartbeat,” the doctor answered with a smile, already anticipating the question. “And that, right there, is your baby.”

They both turned their attention to the monitor in front of them, the doctor pointing at a particular spot. To put it simply, there's a little blob that seems to be moving infrequently and producing the sound that is reverberating off the walls in the room. But that blob and that sound was Lily and Taron's world. That was the product of their love for each other. The start of their life together.

“That's the baby?” Lily says gently. It wasn't intended as a question, but that's way it came out because she can't believe it either. There's a baby!

“That's right. And so far everything looks good and healthy... I'll give you two some time alone.” They silently thanked the doctor as she left them alone, with the image of their baby still on the screen. The parents still in awe. They didn’t blink once. Not wanting the image to suddenly disappear. They'd read books on pregnancy, and they'd watched shows with a pregnancy plot line, and they'd been told by their own mothers how it feels. But none of those were able to compete with this feeling that they had. The warmth, the love. Lily was barely able to hold it all together, letting the happy tears stream down her cheeks the moment the couple are alone. “That’s our baby T,' Lily whispered while trying to compose herself.

But Taron didn’t respond. He was transfixed on the monitor. Not showing any emotion either, which wasn't like him. “That’s our baby…” He murmured in disbelief.

You and Taron got to see and hear the baby for a few more minutes as the technician took photographs for you to keep. A few moments later the technician turned off the machine and handed you a paper towel to wipe the gel off your stomach. “Everything looks good.” She hands you a line of ultrasound pictures, and you feel a whirlwind of emotions inside you. Taron smiles at you as get sit back up on the bed, “You’ll have another appointment in a few weeks time, in the meantime I want you to start taking these prenatal vitamins, these with help with the development of the baby as well as your health during the pregnancy.”

“Okay. Thank you.” You say as you jump off the bed and collect your belongings.

“No problem. I’ll see you guys soon. Have a good rest of the day.” She guides you out of the room. You thank her and leave the room with the Ultrasound pictures in your trembling hands.

You and your dad walk silently back to the car. You climb into the passenger side, still staring down at the pictures of your little blob. You felt like you were having an out of body experience. You couldn’t believe it. Taron turned the engine of the car on and turned to look at you before driving off. He leant over and placed a little kiss on the top of your head.

“Come on. Let’s go and show your mum.” You looked over at him and smiled. You couldn’t have done this without him.

Tag list -

@writingformany

#taron egerton fanfiction #taron egerton #taron x reader #i love taron #taron egerton imagine #taron egerton fanfic #Angst #Fanfiction #taron egerton fluff #fluff #Pregnant #teen pregnancy #ultrasound

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low-budget-korra · 4 years

Text

The Last of Us part II- Ellie x Dina fanfic

Ps: I haven't written anything in a while so be Nice

Lets go

**********************************************

Start Over

After returning from one of the routes, the day was already turning into night, Dina walks to her house. Her desire is to enjoy that JJ is with his grandparents and take a good shower and get a good night's sleep.

But as soon as she approaches her home, she notices a very familiar presence.

"If the idea was to break into my house you should have done it while I was still out" She comments jokingly when she sees Ellie sitting there by her door

"I think so too" Ellie replies looking at Dina, in the same playfull tone.

Dina then opens the door, enters. For a few moments, looking down, she takes a deep breath and asks Ellie to come in.

"Its cold outside, come in" she says

Ellie then stands up and Dina can get a better look at the person she's been kind of avoiding for days. She wanted, she needed Ellie to be the one to make any first move. And Ellie did.

"So, is California really all that? I mean, beaches and everything" Dina asks, turning against Ellie and placing her backpack on the kitchen counter, slowly taking things out one by one.

"Well, is not that different from Seattle or Boston, just hotter. But the beaches really are beautiful. You and JJ would love it" Ellie answers with her head down, looking at her hands, fingers intertwined.

"I heard around that it was all for nothing" Dina comments, still without looking or turning at Ellie "I mean, Maria told me that you didn't find her" She ends up referring to Abby

"I ... " Ellie then pauses "I found Abby and the boy who was with her".

Then Dina stops doing what she was doing,turns to Ellie and asks:

" It was worth it? You found what you was looking for" Dina's expression, once cordial, changed. Now she makes it more evident how much Ellie's abandonment had hurt her.

"No. I mean… " Ellie pauses again, now looking into Dina's eyes "I didn't kill her, I didn't make it, it didn't feel right"

"And you had to travel all the way down the country to realize that" Dina asks rhetorically as she walked closer to Ellie

"I thought if I went over there and …" Ellie pauses again, her heart beats hard in her chest, many feelings to process at that moment "I'm Sorry" Ellie asks and Dina touch her face, making them face each other

"Why didn't you come to me before?What you are waiting?" Dina asks. She was happy, she couldn't explain but she was happy to know that Ellie had not only coming back but also somehow put an end to an cycle of violence that had taken to many lives.

"I dont know, I thought you would be pissed at me" Ellie's sincere response causes a smile in the teary eyes of Dina who laughs without shyness

"I was.I' am" She responds with a smile on her face. Ellie also allows herself to smile. "I thought I would never see you again, I mean, I was afraid that when you came back you were no longer you. - Dina responds by touching Ellie's face.

These words and Dina's touch brought a pleasant squeeze to Ellie's heart, who until then truly thought she had lost everything

"Well, I'm definitely not the same since ... You know" Mentioning Joel's death was still painful for her, but this time she managed to speak without bringing tears to her eyes

"I'm also not the same since Seattle but we have to move on right?" Dina comments, moving away from Ellie a little but her right hand was still intertwined with Ellie's left hand "Wait, where are your other fingers?" Dina asks a little shocked, she didnt know and didnt notice the injury in Ellie's left hand until now

"Abby bite them off " Ellie replies and continue when she saw Dina's concern "Oh thats okay, im already learning how to play with the other hand"

Dina can't hold on anymore and they both hug tightly "I really thought I lost you" Dina whispers in Ellie's ear

"You did, for a moment you did" Ellie responds as she thinks about everything that happen jn Seattle

"So glad you found your way back home" Dina responds as she separates from the hug and wipes a single tear from her face.

"I'm sorry, for abandoning you, for abandoning JJ" Ellie repeats the apology. Dina doesn't answer but lets out a little smile

"Come, there's this little guy who is crazy to see you again" Dina comments taking Ellie's hand and leading her to the door "Oh and you won't believe, Cat and I are dating" Dina comments jokingly as the two walk to Jesse's parents house

"Bullshit. If you said you was with Marcus I would believe it" Elli respond also in a playfull tone. She had taken an immense weight off her back when she finally took courage and spoke to Dina

"Marcus? I was kidding, you don't need to offend me like that" Dina replies ironically as the two walk together

Was it too early to hope for a new beginning with Dina and JJ? Ellie did not know, what she did know is that even though it was not be easy since the nightmares still haunt's her, she would do her best and fight to get her family back. No nightmare has managed to erase the sweet memories of that farm. And how she wanted that back

#the last of us part II #the last of us2 #the last of us #ellie x dina #ellie #dina #tlou #tlou2 #lgbt #lesbian #the last of us fanfic #fanfic

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carriedawayfromhome · 5 years

Text

Forever Grateful - A.I

Count - 3.6k

Summary - Ashton has always been your number one, but maybe, you’re no longer his.

Rating: General Audiences

Song - Moonlight by Ali Gatie

Masterlist

You can feel the tension across your eyebrows as you look at the clock on the wall - 10:34pm. He was meant to be here four hours ago. Four hours ago he was meant to walk through the door, kick off his shoes, wallet and keys on the counter and throw himself onto the couch. Four hours ago you would have followed his movements and fallen on top of him, letting yourself relax into his embrace. Four hours ago you both would have cooked dinner together, letting the moment of this quaint home life ease over you. Four hours ago you wouldn’t have felt this way - if he had just come home.

Now for many people, four hours on a Thursday night may not be a dealbreaker and that is fair enough, but not when this has been going on for weeks, or was it months? With the late nights also came tired mornings, no warm embraces watching the sun filter through the windows or late breakfasts, no need for a lot of chatter as the morning spoke it’s words for you. With those tired mornings also came empty days.

Once upon a time, Ashton would sneak out of band practice and dash home to give you a quick kiss and embrace (and something more if there was time). He would quickly give you a run down of his morning, slightly out of breath from his jog into the house, he would excitedly tell you about the new chorus he wrote for a song he had fallen in love with or how he had mastered a song on the drums. He relished in the excited look you would show as you listened to him rambling on. You were head over heels for that cheeky man and you would have done anything for him.

But no, not anymore.

Those days are far and few in between now. You try to think back to when things started to fade. It probably started with Ashton getting busier and busier at practice and then with the small gigs the band was booking, that meant that he was on the road more often, but it was still long enough to miss him and for him to miss you. You made it work at first, you both did, calling, texting, face-timing. You both left messages when the other was busy, little notes of love and admiration that brought a smile to the face of the person reading it.

You tried to make it to as many shows as you could in-between shifts at work. You loved watching him up on stage, beating at the drums like his life depended on it. His brown long locks falling into his face from all the sweat. You could see he was at home up there on stage, with his bandmates, with his songs, with his fans. You could see the love and light in his eyes when he looked out over the room, trying to find you in the crowd and those times that he could see you, his smile would widen and he’d wink, letting you know even though there were hundreds of people in this room, he was only thinking of you.

You jump slightly as you hear a key in the lock of the door, your eyes flicker up to the clock once more - 11:07pm. You push yourself up off the couch, waiting for him to walk through the door.

“Hey you.” You whisper, just loud enough for him to hear, but not too loud as to startle him.

He looks up from where he drops his shoes, “Hey,” a sigh leaves his mouth, “Ah, sorry about being late again, just got caught up, didn’t realise that was the time.”

That tension that was holding onto you before has come back with a vengeance, his usual spiel as always, you never pry, you know he’s busy and he’s doing what he loves, but, aren’t you, also something that he loves? Loved..?

Usually after he apologises, you fix him something quick to eat and you both head to bed, half hearted kiss on the cheek and the cycle repeats itself. But tonight, for some strange reason you feel the need to express your anger, something your mother told you never to do. “Keep your anger and frustration inside honey, don’t let them see, you don’t want to scare them away.”

“You’ve been late every night this week Ashton,” You cross your arms as you feel your hands start to shake, “I just don’t understand what keeps you away until eleven every night.”

He looks confused, dumbfounded maybe, is he shocked that you said something? Or that he doesn’t know how to respond? “Love, we’ve got shows coming up in two weeks, and we even booked some more for next month! We’re busier now more than ever, it’s just taking up more of my time, that’s all.” He finishes the sentence with a smile but the tension still remains within you.

“I get that I do, please believe me, but I barely see you anymore.”

“You do see me… right now?” He throws his hands up and smiles wider, he’s trying to make you laugh, trying to ease the tension he now feels, trying to bury this, trying to make you forget.

You feel like crying. All of a sudden every feeling over these last few months bubbles up inside you and you feel like screaming. Those late nights, tired mornings, empty days. You’ve pushed away the memories of you going to bed alone, with tears soaking the pillow, of him never running through the door excitedly anymore, of him ignoring your phone calls and of him finding someone else’s eyes in the crowd and of you realising that you will now come second to his first love.

You curse under your breath as the first tears sting your eyes, “We can’t go on like this Ashton, this can’t be how our relationship is.”

He looks confused, eyebrows furrowing, “What are you talking about? I was late! So what!” He huffs as he throws his arms up, “This is my work! You know that! I need to put my heart and soul into this!”

“Thats exactly it though! You used to put your heart and soul into me! Into this relationship!” You can feel heat prickling at the back of your neck, the anger is getting stronger and the need to throw something is strong, “You know I support you and this band, but if you completely give up on this side of your life, then why am I here?”

He threads his fingers through his hair, a silver band on his finger catches your eye. A gift, from you to him, one year anniversary. You can see him start to sweat, he darts his eyes around the room, trying to avoid yours.

“I don’t know what to say,” His eyes finally find yours a slight glisten to them, “Maybe this band is more important to me.”

All that tension, all those tears, all those memories suddenly are gone. You feel empty. You can tell what he is doing, you know him too well. He’s trying to be strong so that he doesn’t break down in front of you. He’s never been the best at showing his feelings, he always liked to be the leader, the person for people to follow and for him that comes with the territory of keeping the facade of an emotionless person. You can see his lip quiver, you know that inside his head he’s thinking - don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.

He’s pushing you away so that you don’t do it first, because if you did, it would break him. He must’ve known this would be coming at some time, maybe he was hoping you would hold on for a little longer? He flipped the coin so quickly so that it seemed as though he has the upper hand here, he’s in control. He’s the one who’s doing the hurting, so that he’s not the one being hurt.

But damn, does this hurt you bad.

You let the sob that you’ve been holding in your throat out, and the tears fall now, “You need to say it to me straight Ash,” You want him to say those words, if he’s the one who wants to hurt, he needs to take that responsibility, “Say it.”

He hasn’t broken yet, but you see his fingernails dig into his arms, his lip quivering. What did he expect though? For you to stick around? For you to hold onto that little ounce of hope that things would work out in the end? That isn’t enough for you. You need more. You needed him.

“What do you want me to say?” He’s holding back as hard as he can, you can see his jaw clenching, a few beads of sweat falling now.

You eye the clock on the wall, 11:26pm. The urge to throw something is getting stronger.

“You know what to say, if you want this to be over, you say it,”

“Fuck you.”

“I wish,” The mean streak in you is coming out, “You haven’t in months,” Ouch.

You can see the hurt flicker over his eyes, that was a low dig, you realise that.

He’s hesitating now, why? Why not just come out and the those final words or is because that is the problem, it will be final? You know he doesn’t want to say the words but you also know that this has to end regardless, this is a long time coming. The reason you want him to say those words, is because no matter what, you don’t want to hurt him. You want him to hurt you, because at the end of the day, you always know that you loved him more than he loved you.

Though you can also feel the words on the end of your tongue, you could say it right now, two words, so easy, so quick. But the pain it would cause would be immense. He would get through it, but at what cost? You know what he’s like when it comes to pain. Six months into your relationship his Dad passed away, a Dad that he barely knew, a Dad that at first had left when he was five and had sent a birthday card every year, with the words, “Happy Birthday Son, be good, I love you.” Those cards eventually stopped coming though just before his 19th birthday, he got another card, after years of absence it read, “Happy Birthday Son, I hope you’ve been good, I would like to see you, I love you.”

It was a brief, but it was important.

You think about those first few months, he was excited, nervous, anxious to see his Dad after all this time. You recall him relaying his meetings with his Dad to you. The hesitation, the anger and then the acceptance. That all came crashing down when he told you the reason his Dad wanted to see him - cancer. He was dying, end of story. Was it fair? Was it fair that Ashton’s Dad wanted to see him and then let him know it was almost over? Or would it have hurt more If he had never known? That’s a question you’ve thought of a lot, but have yet to find an answer.

The aftermath was bad, messy. Alcohol was the cure. The nights were long. There was never a sober moment, he drank away the pain. There were hospital visits, there were fights, there were scars. You tried so hard to fix him, and to your disbelief you eventually got through, slowly and surely you made sure he was taken care of. You stayed with him through it all. You thought back to when he mentioned he used to play drums when he was younger, you suggested this to him to give him something to take his mind off the pain, so that alcohol wouldn't.

You recall how he loved it, how it made him feel strong, in control. He got in contact with some old friends who also played instruments. They played together, he felt even stronger, they wrote songs, he felt more in control, they started performing, he felt whole.

You gave him what he needed, a push. But now, he’s pushing you away.

“I can’t say it,” He whispers. You’re brought back to reality. To the situation in front of you. He still has control, he’s not faltering, but you can see his body is starting to shake.

You sigh once more, your body feeling heavy on the carpet floor. The tie between you two, the invisible rope keeping you together is feeling tight against your chest. The anger is starting to dissipate and all you feel is overwhelming sadness.

“It’s over.” The words leave your mouth. You didn’t want to. You really didn’t. You held out for as long as you could. You know this will hurt him, this will put another scar on his checkered heart. But it needed to be done, the rope needed to be cut.

You see his facade break, his face crumble and the tears you thought you would never see fall onto his cheeks, his knees buckle and before you know it he’s on the floor, head in his hands.

For a moment you watch. You watch as the man before you, the man you poured your heart into, break right in front of your eyes. The emotions he always kept hidden in a glass jar are broken into little pieces on the floor. You bend down in front of him, lifting his chin up with your fingers, his eyes are now bloodshot, puffy and red. He looks younger now, no longer his twenty two years of age, now an adolescent, wanting nothing more than to be held.

You hesitate before leaning forward, kissing his forehead, “I’m sorry Ashton,” You want to say another three simple words that used to come so easy to you, but you can’t find it in you.

It doesn’t take long to pack your things, you never kept too much at his apartment, just the necessities. You can hear him in the lounge room, mumbling to himself, trying so hard to keep it together. You hope to god he does do just that - keep it together. With bags in hand, you head for the front door, you’re done, you don’t want to say anymore or feel anymore. You pause though, hand on the door knob, you can feel his presence behind you, you can tell he wants you to say something, something he can hold onto, if just for now.

But you don’t turn around, you walk straight out the door and into the midnight air, the cold wind stings your face as you walk to your car. As you drive out of the driveway you take one last look in your rear vision mirror, you see him standing at the front door, you can’t tell if he’s still crying.

With one deep breath you tear your eyes away from everything you’ve held dear and drive off into the night.

Three years later.

Living in the city has been a blast for you, you’re close to work and you love the bustle of the city. You live for the anonymity and the glistening lights from your apartment. Life has been a whirlwind since you moved to the city three years ago, It was a spur of the moment decision, a plan to start a new, a fresh beginning. Packing up all your stuff and moving half way across the country to start a new job and a new life.

You’ve kept yourself busy, new friends, new places, new relationships.

You never even think about that boy that once broke your heart.

You’ve tried not to keep up with Ashton’s life, you tried very hard. But just after the breakup his band got signed to a major label, toured with a few big bands and released a few good (albeit brilliant) albums. He was in the news, he was on all social media and you couldn’t escape it and it definitely hurt at first, seeing his face everywhere. He changed his hair colour, red and now black. You thought he suited it, he looked very gown up.

It isn’t until one evening after work you’re in a taxi, head against the window watching the city whirl past that you hear his voice, on the radio.

“Welcome boys! Luke, Calum, Michael and Ashton to the studio!” The radio announcer yells.

“Thanks for having us man! We’re very excited to be here!” Ashton replies. Your heart halts for a second. It’s weird to hear him talk, you’ve avoided listening to any of the bands songs, let alone radio interviews.

“So fellas, it’s so good to see you, you’ve just come off a world tour and an appearance on the late show last night, how are we feeling?”

“Well to say the least we’re exhausted,” Luke chimes in, “But we’re still working hard, which is why we’re here, because we have a new song out.”

“Yes that’s right boys, a new song, now, tell me about this one, sounds like a sad love song, is that right?”

“Yes that’s right,” Calum answers, “You could say it is about the one that got away.”

You listen intently. Your heart rate beating ever so slightly faster.

“The one that got away? Well, well, well,” The announcer laughs, “I assume all these songs are written about real experiences, so who’s this one about then fellas?”

“This is one actually about my past experience,” Ashton says. Your heart now trying to beat its way through your chest, “It is about a love that I didn’t cherish properly. That I pushed away, that I regret still to this day.”

You’re grip tightens on your seatbelt across your chest, you feel as though if you didn’t your heart would beat straight out of your body. He can’t be talking about you can he? Must be someone else.

“This person helped me through some of the worst moments in my life, she is actually the one who pushed me to start playing the drums again, she’s the reason I am here talking to you actually.”

Your throat feels tight and the air in the taxi feels hot and stuffy, you wish the driver would turn up the AC.

“Well seems like a very important song then, well we’ve got the studio all set up ready to go, so I’ll let you boys take it away.”

The first strum of the guitar makes your eyes close and you lean back in your seat, letting your head rest against the window.

Nobody love me like you

And I can't love nobody back

You remind me of the moon

'Cause every night you coming back

What am I supposed to do?

If I'm so in love with you

I cannot get over you

Since you left me every night I go stare at the moon

Wishing it was you and I, that's something we would do

Every Sunday morning I go watch the flowers bloom

I do things we used to do, hoping I'll run into you

What's a lie and what's the truth

I cannot get over you

Doesn't matter what I do

Everyone just looks like you

Girl, I smell you everywhere

Smell your perfume and your hair

I try to act like I don't care

Everyone knows that I care

You the reason I believe that love is real

Ain't nobody make me feel, the way you make me feel

Darling, tell me is it real?

Or was I lying to myself just to make it feel so real?

You let the breath out that you had been holding in, you feel slightly light headed. It was about you, this song. Ashton wrote this song about you. He let his feelings flow into a song.

The voice of the radio announcer brings you back to reality, “That was absolutely amazing boys! Brilliant!” You can hear faint clapping in the background of the studio.

“Thanks man, we’re very proud of this song,” Michael exclaims.

“You should be, you clearly put your heart and soul into this song.”

“We did, Ashton definitely took the reins and let the words flow and now here we are,” Calum replies, “We’re excited to be putting out songs that actually mean something to us.”

“Clearly, so what about this girl then? The one that got away? Anything to say to her?”

You wait. Anticipate the words that are going to be said through the radio speaker.

You hear Ashton clear his throat, “Yeah, ah, I guess if she’s listening,” You listen to him hesitate, “I want her to know that I am forever grateful for her. That the reason that I am here, inspiring people, doing everything I love with the people I love is because of her. I am so thankful for her.”

You open your eyes now. Your heart rate is back to normal. You don’t register the rest of the interview, none of it matters to you anyway. You can feel a weight that you didn’t even know was there lifted off your shoulders, flying away with the light breeze coming through the taxi window.

Your ride comes to a stop and you hope out. As you’re walking to your apartment you can’t help but smile - he’s okay. After everything, he’s okay and he’s happy. Yes you were angry for awhile for him giving up on you, but it was obviously just not meant to be. It was a fleeting moment in your life that you can now look back on and smile.

As you take one last look at the bright city lights around you, you think about how great your life is and how wonderful it was to share a moment with someone like him.

And for that you will be forever grateful.

#5sos #5 seconds of summer #ashton irwin #5sos writing #luke hemmings #ashton irwin writing #michael clifford #calum hood #5sos imagine #5sos fluff #ashton irwin fluff #ashton irwin imagine #5sos blurb #5sos fanfic #5sos oneshot #ashton irwin fanfic #ashton irwin blurb #5sos story

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peggysousfan · 4 years

Text

Captain America: The First Super Soldiers

Here is chapter 5!! Enjoy the twists to come! 😉

SSR Bunker, 1944, December:

Its been 2 weeks since the Howling Commandos and the two Super Soldier Captains left to take down the Hydra camps they mapped. For 2 weeks Agent Peggy Carter has not seen the love of her life. No letters have been sent and no word has been given from him. As she, Stark, and Colonel Philips meet for a meeting, her stomach begins to churn. She tries to sit still and swallow it down, but she can't hold it in much longer. She gets out of her seat and rushes to the nearest toiletries, and vomits.

"Where'd she go?" Stark asks,confused; but Philips knows exactly where. The same place shes been running off to for the past week. He mumbles to himself and walks into the hall, waiting. After several minutes of standing, Agent Carter walks her way back to the meeting room, when she sees Philips waiting.

"Colonel Philips, sir? What are yo-

"I'm calling in a doctor first thing tomorrow, and you will be getting checked out." At first shes confused and shakes her head. "Carter, Do you really think I haven't noticed you running off and puking your damn guts out? Because I have." She sighs in defeat. "Your seeing a doctor. Thats an order." He walks back into the meeting room, with Carter in tow. 'Bloody hell' she thinks. And they resume the meeting.

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1945 January:

"Alright. On my mark, we hit the outer base, here. We'll get in through the the cargo holds and release the gas." Rogers says. "And then once we're inside, we'll take down the-"

"Look, Steve, We like the plan. Its just-" Dugan starts to say

"Too complicated." Pinkerton finishes.

"I like Sousa's plan better." Dugan says. Steve glares at them, and then at Sousa.

"What? Its not like I forced them to agree with me."

"Right. Cause nothing you do or say is ever against me." They all share a look and watch the two super soldiers argue.

"Rogers. What the hell are you talking about? Its as simple as the other bases. If anything this one is the smallest out of all of them." Steve balls up his fists and looks away. "We get in by placing the gas bombs outside. While they are knocked out or dead, We sneak in, plant the actual bombs, get out, Boom!"

"And if they have gas masks?"

"This gas penetrates and tears away at a persons skin." Bucky says. "Even with masks, it won't help them. They aren't covered up to hell like we are." Steve says nothing, instead, they go with Sousa's plan; and it works. All of the Commandos yell and celebrate as they got another Hydra base of of the map.While they all celebrate, Rogers walks off by himself, angry at Sousa.

"Steve!" Bucky runs after him. "C'mon man, we're heading to that bar to celebrate."

"The jobs not done, Buck. Why are we celebrating." Bucky looks away for a moment and then back at his friend.

"Because, Steve, We won another battle-"

"But that doesn't mean we won the war." He snaps.

"Come one, Rogers. We win the War one battle at a time. And because of you and Sousa, we-" Steve snickers. "What?" He says nothing, instead walks away. "Steve, what?"

"Sousa." he continues to shake his head. "I... I can't stand him, Buck."

"Uh...why? Hes done nothing wrong." Steve snickers again.

"Done nothing wrong? All hes ever done is take everything from me Bucky! The serum was only suppose to be tested on one person, and then he shows up and gets tested." Bucky starts to squint his eyes at Steve, not liking where this is going. "He got to go to Europe while I was stuck dancing like some...chorus girl on stage. He got to fight and my only other option was a lab! And then!" Steve starts to pace around; and Bucky backs away a few steps. "Peggy. He tried to get me away from her so he could get to her first. He told me to not waste my time and pursue anything because he was already trying! C'mon Bucky, why the hell would I like a guy thats done all of this?"

At first he says nothing, instead he shakes his head and starts to leave.

"I-I don't know, Steve. I think you're reading too much into this." He places his hands in his pocket. "It makes sense to test more than one person to make sure it works, not everyone is the same; especially when you're in poor health. And besides, the whole Captain America world tour thing? You agreed and chose to go, Sousa was never given that option. He probably fought like hell to go."

"Or he had Peggy convince Philips." Steve argues.

"But how would you know that? And for all you know, if they are together...She chose him and made the first move."Steve stops pacing and glares at Bucky. "You DON'T know, Steven. And its not your place, or anyone elses to put their nose in their business." And with that he leaves.

"Hey, Barnes. Everything okay?" Daniel Asks. He pats Sousa on the back.

"Yeah everything's fine." He sits down and eats some rations. "I go by Bucky, by the way." He reaches out his hand and Daniel takes it.

"Daniel." And with that everyone enjoyed the rest of their evening, while Rogers was pouting on his own.

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SSR Bunker:

"Good Morning, you must be Agent Carter," Peggy reluctantly shakes his hand. She doesn't think she needs to see a doctor, but the Colonel insisted and made it an order.

"Good morning," She says as she sits down, hands in her lap.

"Okay, so I am Dr. Moore," He smiles politely, "And I was told you haven't been feeling well by the Colonel." She tries to not roll hers eyes.

"Yes, I, uhm.. I have been feeling a little under the weather the last few weeks. But I don't think its so terrible to need a doctor."

"Well, its best we see what is going on, now, before anything gets worse. Now what are your symptoms?"

"Just nausea..."

"Okay...Anything else? Headache? Coughing? Sneezing? Uhh.....Dizziness? Lack of appetite? Any of that?" With so many questions Peggy felt affronted.

"Yes, I have had a lack of appetite. I'm not actually sure about dizzy. I only get that way when I stand too quickly." Dr. Moore nods his hands and leans forward; thinking.

"Okay, um....Are you sensitive to any smells? Maybe some mood swings? Extra exhaustion? Or have you missed any of your menstrual cycles? " Peggy stops and thinks for several moments. Although some of the questions seemed very odd...

"I have been feeling exhausted as of late, but I always assumed it was work." He nods and hums along. "As for...sensitivity to smells or...mood, uhm, I-I suppose. Although it never really concerned me. And my... mensuration often varies."

"And why is that?" He asks as he writes it all down.

"Well, I've always hated the smell of coffee, and being here, it constantly smells of it. Uhm.. As for mood I work in a office full of idiotic, sexist, and ambitious men; with little to no peace of mind. So my mood constantly varies. And, because of constant stress, I haven't had a solid menstruation pattern for.. several months,now..."

"Okay, uhhh... " He takes a deep breath and sets down his notes. "As you know we have a...policy called Doctor-patient confidentiality." Peggy nods. "And with that being said, you are aware that everything you say here, in this room, does not leave it. I cannot, nor will I ever repeat what is said in these walls between you and myself."

"Of course."

"Okay. So, with that out in the open.... When was the last menstrual cycle you experienced?"

"I think...perhaps, 2 months ago. No longer than 3. Defiantly not longer than 3." He nods and hums once more.

"Agent Carter, I am going to have to get very...personal with you. And I want full honesty." Peggy nods again. "Do have a partner, Ms. Carter? And I don't mean work." Peggy furrows her brow at his question. "Have you had any...intimate... relationships with anyone in the span of those 3 months?" She hesitates in answering. "I don't need to know his name, I just need a simple yes or no."

"Yes." she answers after several seconds.Dr. Moore takes a deep breath and sighs.

"Thats what I was afraid of...We may need to do some blood work, but..." He writes more notes down and starts to speak again. "I'm afraid that you may-"

"Peg! We got word! They took down 3 Operations and are on their way back to-" Howard stops when he notices the Doctor. "Oh, sorry, didn't know I was interrupting."

"Howard!? What the hell are you doing?"

"Sorry, I just wanted to tell you that they're coming back. They should be here in a few days." Her face burst with excitement as she jumps from her chair. Stark runs from the room and she starts to follow.

"Agent Carter" She stops and turns around. "About your diagnosis...."

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A few days Later:

As the Agents of officers in the SSR Bunker go about their day, all is quiet; but it doesn't last long. When the doors open and the Commandos enter, everything is loud, many agents spill their coffees or drop their reports.

"Well, well, well. Look who Schmidt dragged in!" Stark walks to them and shakes their hands, but embraces Rogers and Sousa.

"Glad to see you boys all back in one piece." Colonel Philips comes around a corner.

"Sir, we have our mission reports all written up," Sousa hands them to Philips. He grumbles his thanks and hands them off to another agent to be typed.

"So, where are we on dismantling Hydras operations."

"Well, so far-

"So far we've been successful in every mission, sir."Steve interrupts Daniel. Sousa glances at him, but Rogers ignores him. "We've taken out 3 camps, 6 shipments of weapons, stole one of their radios, and caught wind on information about a train where Schmidt's most trusted man will be."

"Great work, boys." He claps Rogers on the back starts to walk away. Daniel glances and shakes his head at Rogers.

"Where are you going, Sousa? We need to-"

"I'll be back in a few minutes. I gotta take care of something first." And with that, he runs off.

"Carter, more like," Steve mumbles

"Let it got, Rogers." Bucky says as he walks past him.

Daniel walks down every hall way, meeting room, and every office; but theres no sign of her. He goes to the sleeping quarters and doesn't see anything. As he starts to leave, he hears sniffling.

"Hello? Anyone in here?" He asks. The sniffling stops and in the corner of the room, a head appears.

"Daniel?"

"Peg?" He runs over to her. "Hey what happened?" He holds he face and sees it drenched in tears. She shakes her head and looks away, holding her knees closer to her chest and her body tight. Daniel places a hand on her back and rubs comforting circles; normally when shes upset, this or playing in her hair calms her down almost immediately. "Peggy... whats going on? Whats wrong?" At this she gives a chuckle.

"Wrong? Wrong." She starts to laugh and it leads into a sob. "Oh Daniel..." She throws her arms over his shoulders and he holds her tight; one hand on her back and the other in her hair.

"Peg, you're scaring the hell out of me right now..." She starts to pull away, and says two words that will changed their lives forever.

"I-I'm pregnant."

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February 1945:

Base after base, Hydras operations were being torn down and blown into oblivion. Shots fired and bombs blown, and Johann Schmidt's anger raved on and on after each discovery; nothing but fire and smoke was left of these camps. The Allies and their Captains of America have have left nothing behind.

"You are failing!" Schmidt yells. "We are close to an offensive that will shake the planet, yet we are continually delayed because you can not outwit a pair of simpletons with shields!"

"This is hardly my area of expertise," Zola argues. "I merely developed the weapons. I cannot fire them."

"Finish your mission, Doctor, before the Americans finish theirs." He threatens.

"Sir!" A Hydra soldier approaches.

"I'm sorry, Herr Schmidt." A survivor says. "We fought to the last man."

"Apparently not." And the Red Skulls shots him down. He grows more furious with each defeat and wants nothing more than revenge.

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SSR Bunker, 3 Weeks later :

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I said I'm not going, Rogers. You take lead on this one."

"Daniel, come one. Why not? We get in the train, grab Zola, and get out." Bucky says.

"I know, but... I just can't." He starts to argue again. "Bucky this is my choice. I have to stay behind just this once." When Sousa calls Barnes Bucky, Steve gives him a deadly glare. "Go. Get Zola. I'll be here when you guys get back." The two shake hands and and Barnes leave.

"Captain?" Peggy walks up to them. "Colonel Philips wants a word." Daniel nods his head.

"I'll be right there." She smiles as he touches her arm, and then walks away. "Try not to be too reckless, Rogers. We need this to be perfect."

"I know what I'm doing." And then Steve leaves.

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Mountain Range:

As the Hydra radio plays its stations, the Howling Commandos listen in to what they say.

"You remember the time I made you ride the Cyclone at Coney Island?"

"Yeah, and I threw up?" Steve replies.

"This isn't pay back. is it?" Bucky asks as they look over the deep, long drop to the train tracks.

"Now why would I do that?" He smirks.

"Can someone explain where the hell Sousa is? " Dugan asks.

"Who cares about Sousa? Right now we have a mission to focus on.. He didn't want to be apart of it and that's his own problem." Steve says

"Uh.. we all care where he is... Hes apart of this team." Dugan responds. Steve looks away and back at the tracks.

"We were right. Dr. Zola's on the train." Jones says. "Hydra dispatcher gave him permission to open up the throttle. Wherever they're going, they must need him bad." Everyone starts to gear up, put their hooks on the zip like, and waits for the train. When the time is right, they jump, zip, and land on the roof.

The walk towards the top part of the train climb on the side, and go inside. At first all is quiet, they walk freely in the hall, until the units are closed and Rogers and Barnes are separated. Gun shots are fired and the tow commandos and Hydra operative fight. All the while Dr. Zola watches and commands them to fire again. For several minutes, there are nothing but shots fired from guns and Hydras tesseract powered weapon. Steve opens the door and passes Bucky his gun, together they kill him.

"I had him on the ropes," he says.

"I know you did." The soldier Steve fought didn't die, and he blast a whole on the side of the train. Barnes take the shield and fires his gun, but is shot out of the train. Steve throws the shield and knocks him out. As he looks out the whole, Bucky is dangling from the outside. Steve tries to reach for him...but he falls. Jones breaks into the operations part of the train, gun cocked, and takes Zola.

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SSR Bunker:

When word gets back the the Commandos are on their way back, Agent Carter and Captain Sousa make their way to see Zola; but are confronted with something else. As they all make their way into the bunker, they notice a comrade missing. Dugan and Jones drag Zola to get interrogated by Philips, and Steve goes another way.

"Wheres Barnes?" Daniel asks.

Steve says nothing, instead bumps Sousa's shoulder and walks past. Peggy gasps and holds Daniel steady.

"Well that was uncalled for." She says. "Rogers!"

"Peg, its fine." She whips her head towards him, and he looks way like a sad puppy. Ever since he found out she was pregnant, hes even more afraid of her; shes more aggressive when shes angry.

"No, its not." She walks towards Steve and grabs him. He turns around quickly; not expecting that, he bumps into her. She leans against the table behind her, and before she knows it, Daniels at her side, supporting her. She shoves him away. "Not only was your gesture incredibly rude, but you ignored a fellow Captains question." Steve clenches his jaw and looks away. "What happened? Where is Sergeant Barnes?"

"Hes dead...." And with that Steve starts to walk away.

"What!?" Daniel shouts. "What the hell-

"He fell off the train and-" He takes a deep breath. "And he dropped...dropped down the entire mountain side." Although Peggy was never close to Barnes, tears well up in her eyes. 'Damn pregnancy' she thinks.

"How the hell could that have happened?" Sousa exclaims. Rogers explained what happened and Daniel gets pissed. "Are you kidding me? Why they hell would you not go straight to the front where Zola was? Why even bother to go through the other compartments?" Steve clenches his fists .

"Excuse me if not everyone thinks the way you do, Sousa."

"Its not just thinking, Rogers. Its common damn sense." Steve advances towards Daniel, but Peggy steps in.

"Don't even think about it."

"So you have to have some woman speak for you?"Daniel starts to get heated.

"Thats enough." Peggy begins to turn red, and Daniel gently grabs her arm. She looks at him, and he shakes his head. She stares down Rogers and he storms away. She forces her self to calm down, but it only brings more tears, as she wipes her eyes and walks away, and Daniel follows her; and Steve is left alone.

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Hydras Main Facility:

There in the hanger sits an enormous aircraft, meant for the worlds demise. Johann Schmidt walks by it, as his soldiers stand at attention.

"Tomorrow, Hydra will stand master of the world, borne to victory on wings of the Valkyrie. Our enemies weapons will be powerless against us. If they shoot down one plane, hundreds more will rain fire upon them!" He stand all might before his followers and lifts a glass. "If they cut off one head, two more shall take its place. Hail Hydra."

"Hail Hydra! Hail Hydra!" The hundreds of thousands of soldiers chant. "Hail Hydra! Hail Hydra!Hail Hydra! Hail Hydra!"

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SSR Bunker:

"You have to." She insists

"Peggy, I won't. What if-

"You can't think that way, Daniel."

"I won't be able to live with myself if something were to happen to me or you and the baby. I can't. I won't. Peg.." He begs.

"That is why you must go, Daniel. To make sure it is safe! I don't want this child, our child, to live in a world where war reigns over us all. I want this to be over. I want to find a make a home...And we can only do that if we fight for it." He sighs in defeat. "I will do all that I can. Nothing to dangerous, out of caution," She touches her still flat stomach."But I will do my part, and you have to do yours."

"Okay... I will." He places his hand on top of hers. "I still can't believe it..."

"Neither can I." She laughs.

"How long until... ya know." She lifts a brow an tilts her head. "You start to show." She laughs again.

"Not for another 3 weeks at least! Now stop trying to rush it!!" She shoves him lightly, and he laughs.

"I'm not I'm just curious and..."

"Excited?" She suggests.

"Yeah... I am." He grabs her waist and brings her closer. "I'm gonna be a dad" He laughs.

"And I'm going to be a mum..." They share a sweet kiss and hold each other tight. "We can do this...right?"

"We can do anything, Peg. As long as we have each other." She stares into his eyes and feels the perfect bliss of peace...and of Home. They kiss once more before Sousa begins to leave.

"Come back to us...Thats an order, Captain." She smirks.

"Damn right I will." They embrace, and he leaves to finish the war.

#peggysous #peggy carter #daniel sousa #Peggy x Daniel #agent carter #catfa #au fanfic #fanfiction #anti steggy #anti steve rogers

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bonbonswirl-blog · 5 years

Text

Broken

ALL THE CHARACTERS BELONG TO @brueklynn I OWN NOTHING. Because there is a character that we dont have any kind of idea about them, i will just go by 'another person' without any names or features, just a person XD i made this while having cold so it may seem a little off, try to enjoy Xd

11 pm

Behind a bar.

Thats what the letter said. Eyes lingered over the lines before the letter was lifted down to show the view of a big bar, was that really the place he was meant to visit? Only one way to find out. He entered the bar, rough paintwork that coats the door and push, shards of black paint crumble to the floor. The bar curved into a room, dark in the barely lit place, through the windows the diamonds of lead panes trickles the sallow light of street lamps. The hinges squeal as though they are a warning, but their plea is silenced by a wall of noise. Laughter overpowers the jukebox. Conversations swirl in a dirty cloud of smoke, the stagnant stench of cigarettes hides within the collaboration of mephitic odours. A sharp smell of drink wafts towards him, like black plumes bellowing from the windows of a burning house. There is even a hint of sick tainting the fragrance of the room.

He looked up and down, right and left, He cant find the sender of the letter, wait...Of course he wont! the letter said to meet Behind a bar! Now have he to find where is the back door that leads to outside. It took him long enought till he found it. trying the door knob, the heavy iron bound door swung open, revealing a wide area enclosed by a flimsy hain-link fence. The unrelenting darkness took over everthing, plucked the stars and anything that can glow, burying them beneath the sky. The air had thickened, the temperature dropped and nowhere was there a comforting sound. Trash cans leaning on the bar cracked walls, ground covered in dusty powder, what looked like a streetlight, which was the only one that isnt fully broken, flickered, casting an errie smudgy beam onto that black place. That wasnt really the...best place you could invite someone to meet you in...It was all quiet and derelict. He had the enough courgage to step forawrd, walking unusually slow, he had an odd gait, It was slightly lurching as he went, trudging along at a sedate pace. His head right and left, searching for who he was supposed to meet with, his mind focused on finding a sign of someone in this hopeless space rather than the footsteps that seemed to echo throughout the desolate yard, why didnt he just call the name to hear a respone? Maybe because it doesnt sound like a good idea to do so in this haunted place. Yet still, he kept finding his eyes diverting to something each moment he heard a low simple sound, darting to locate the source. Thats until, under those overwhelmed black shadows, and after a short stroll, he found who he was looking for, standing there uncommonly, under another bulb that lacks illumination. His boyfriend clicking his feet to the land underneath, probably out of pateince. Finally, harry found him! Walking towards his direction smiling. "Hey babe!" "harry..." "oh boy! why you gotta choose this place for a meeting? We could have gone inside the bar as usual, right?" Harry was still confused beind the sudden call at this late hour, but he didnt care. "Tonight we...not gonna drink at the bar." "uh, ok? So, why did you send this letter today? What are we going to do?" He pulled it from his pocket to show the proof. "Harry we....we need to talk." Not like this startled harry a lot, but it wasnt in an ordinary tone. "Sure! Talk away!" His boyfriend spoke with his head to the dusty ground. "You see...how both of us go together to do anything. to walk together, to talk to each other everyday, to work and help each other when in any of us in trouble, it was all nice werent it?" The sudden mention of their sweet times together was also strange. "Of course! And im glad I do all of these thing with you!" "and this is what I wanted to talk about tonight harry..." the fletcher paid his attention, waiting for his darling to start the conservation, he doesnt need to consider bad possibilties, instead he was a bit happy inside, what if those mentions were to remind the other of their constant affectionate attachment and celebrate 'something' together? That would be a lovely thing! It was tenser than a tiger who stalks a prey while harry lover peers his way to him, face resolutely unimpressed. "I think this..... relationship needs to...needs to....needs to end." Harry stopped like he had taken a bullet to the guts. The words fell on him like a storm. The cold air hitting his face.

"...What?......" He may just heard it wrong, he hoped he really did, he wished he did and this is not what his love just stated, doubt was filling him. "We need to end this harry." His boyfriend repeated, affirming his recent words. No, his hearing was right, thats what he just said... "What....W-What do you mean?!?" "What do you think I mean?" His lover raised his eyes to meet harry ones, so he would know he isnt just messing around. It took harry a while to speak again. "You dont really mean this..." "Do I look like I am joking?!?" Harry looked downward briefly. "but...But....I...I thought we loved each other..." "You Are Right!! LOVE'D'!! Its all from the past harry!!" Why would he say such a thing...his mind cycles through emotions faster than a kid flipping radio channels, he was broken. Harry couldnt accpet what is taking place, but what else is there to do? "dear you...I dont think you are in your right mind tonight..." "No!! YOU Are Not In Your Right Mind Harry!!! Didnt You See It?! This ISNT Working!!! It Never Did!! Now Go Away!!" "Wha-" "Go Away!!!" his words and his anger cut too deep that harry couldnt change the image of him. When he met his gaze his was just the same. "No" "Why Dont You Get It?! Go Away!!" "No I wont! you need to go back to your sanity!!" "Im In My Full Sanity! Just Go Away!!" "Not Until I know Whats Wrong!" "I Said GO AWAY YOU GARBAGE!!!!" Rising his fist, his hand swinging out connecting to harry face in a flash of pain. Although not on his back, harry toke a few steps back from the impact. Bewildered, pressing a pale hand to his cheeks trying to comprehend the previous seconds. Did..Did his..Did his boyfriend for the first time just....punched him?!

"You......." "I told you to go away." " I DONT UNDERSRAND YOU! WHY?! DID YOU CALL ME OUT TO THE BAR AT 11 PM JUST TO BREAK UP WITH ME?!" "yes, I Cannot keep this up any longer Harry, I needed to do it now." "Im Not Breaking Up With You Until You Tell Me The Reason!" "look At Me In The Eyes And Say You Still Dont Know The Reason!! I Dont Even Know What Got Me To Agree To Be With You!" With each little word... a piece of harry heart broke. "...how could you say this...what happened that changed you?...." "Changed Me?! YOU Changed Man!! I Kept Being Myself and Been Who I am While Keeping Our Connections Stable!! I Did Everything With And For You!! Even In Stupidest Things! And I Shouldnt Have!" "But Bab-" "I Hate You!!" "No-" "I Always Did! And I knew One day you willl hate me too!" Thats wrong. They both loved each other, they said it and showed it, all of these are just words from anger...so why all this nonsense about love and hate? Where had he gone wrong? Since when did this love turn to poison? He doesnt know what had climbed inside His beloved and turned him mad. "Stop!! YOU Need To Calm Down!" "NO!! And For The Last Time Go Away!!" "Not Until I know The Reason!!" "No You Wont Know Now Go Away" "I Already Said Not Until I know What Happened!!" "GO AWAY!" "NO!" "You Gave Me No Other Choice!!" Without thinking, harry boyfriend turned around to grab something from a near shelf. It was revealed to be a small bucket. However, when harry figured out the kind of liquid thats inside it, the intended message was already enforced, and he lost what little colour he had, starting to freak out.

"Dont you dare....." "Oh I will! I will throw all this bucket content at Your Face If You dont leave Me!!!!" The other man couldnt believe this..his lover cant do that...yes he may be out of his mind right now, but he will never have the nerve to throw some unknown chemicals straightly on his face, it was just an empty threat to leave. and all he could do was to stare lifelessly at the eyes that held that bucket and a terrifying coldness he had never seen before. He had always thought those eyes were like a gem, but looking at them now he could see no trace of the vibrancy they once held, no trace of the boy he once knew. "Darlin-" "DONT CALL ME DARLING ANYMORE!!" There was stillness on both sides, faces unreadable. "Please be back to yourself..." "Leave Me Alone! "Please!" "Your Last chance Harry....GO AWAY" "PLEASE!!" "THATS IT!" That was when the cold man lost it altogether, and the unexpected happened. In an immediate movment he launched forward, tossing all the liquid inside the bucket in an aim to harry head, although it wasnt a full success, he did strike a part of his face. Harry swore he could had saw some good memories flashing before his eyes. And whatever that scorching substance was, when it fell Againist Harry face.

He Howled

It Was Hell.

The pain had no culture, no pity, no mind, yet it consumed whatever it pleases. Its only criteria is if it can take it and reduce it to something molten and foul, paroxysm of agony triggered a guttural cry from the fluter. His hands clawed over his burning face, brutally gashed. Solvent swirls on it without any mercy, penetrating to the cells that should be protected by smooth skin but lie open. Surge of torments spirals all over him. Violent shaking forced through his whole body, with no assume of stopping. Monstrous chill continued running down his spine and made his ghostly skin crawl. Muscles going to giving up. The worst of the blood had spelled, ran freely in thick scarlet rivers amongst his whole face, staining his hair, matting them together before it soaked into his cloths and the floor. From a clear distance outside, it was like a high barking that carried well through walls and air. Lungs have no choice but to painfully and rigidly take in the chilled air around for a living breathe until they couldnt anymore. He have cried and screamed, maybe not evident, nevertheless it was as if he was calling for a help, but there was no help to come, perhaphs the strength in his voice perished. His breath taken away every second, he was in his greatest neccisity of taking an inhale.

Thats until he decided to surrender to the torturing and sink into the unfolded darkness.

He was in a heavy black cloud. Nothing to see, Nothing to hear, Nothing to feel, Just this heaviness in his whole body. He couldnt remember how to open his eyes, but when he did, he scrunched the opened one at the bright light that was sipping through his closed eyelid, in struggle he slowly opened it, desperately squinting in attempt to sharpen the blurred images before him. Pungent smell of hospital disinfect invading his nostrils. The room was silent apart from the beep beep sound you often hear in hospitals that indicates youre alive and Quiet talking. He started to sense something, or rather a material, soft but elastic tightening around his whole sore face, from chin to forehead, even one of his eyes were covered, it was very aching. When the sight of his survived eye arised, he perceived Someone bending over him, face watching his. What harry never toke notice of is that they are holding his weak hand, and that they have little tears in their eyes. The features were not clear, but it can be marked that they have a light brown hair and wearing something..blue? Harry attempted hardly to recognize who is this, but he coudnt with this wounded brain, then he heard the familiar word that assisted in that. "...Brother..." Harry tried to remember how to talk. No words came, he blinked trying to force his memory to recall the owner of this soft voice with broken tone. He was out of ability to even clear his throat. He tried to answer, to say something, but all what came out was a tiny whisper. "...augh....ma....rley?..." The other man wrapped his arms around the injured one shoulders and pulled him close, hugging him gently to not provoke the burn. "shhhhh...save your strength brother...it will be alright..." Marley had a hard time hiding his sniffs, but harry havent got enought focus to realize. His sibling tenderly patting his hand, giving a queit moment for the victim to adapt to the consciousness. Harry lie still, slowly started blinking, he wanted to see whats around him. But he cant lift anything off this deep pillow. He used the very bare left of his capability to move some little angles right and left for learing about his new surroundings. Glancing around the bright white coloured bedroom. He catched sight of someone wearing the same color for a coat, staring at him from the door. He strain to hear and makes sense of it all. No idea. Where is he and why? How long had he been here? He shut his eyes, trying to remember what had exactly occured. Then it all hits him with a bang, The memory of it all starts to occupy his thoughts, panicking he jolted up with rushing hands running at his bandages, making sure this is true, the wound hurting with every touch of his finger, he figured it all out.

He lived

He laid back in his bed, he felt powerless and heavier, Couldnt move his hands, head or bod, His eyes washed with the kind of emotion that only come when people break in ways with no way to be repaired. "Whoever did this bro...they are Not Getting Away With This!!!!" "Mr. Marley please calm down the patient is still in an unstable condition." Marley sighed, plummeting his head to the bed, holding his brother hand a bit tighter. "im sorry doctor...its just that..." He couldnt continue his sentence for some reason, instead he started a new one. "Harry...please get better...for your family...for your friends...for me...please..."

Harry spent the rest of his days in the hospital remaining still in the bed. His head eaither felt heavy or light. He lost the track of time and may needed somebody to tell him, but he never cared, he will let all the time pass without any hint of concern. He never felt that alone or empty before. Sometimes, he replay the events in his head and wonder what were the right words to say, what was it that could prevent everything, it wont change that he is all to blame. It might had been kinder to kill him than to constrain him with living beside this burn. Everytime he try to sleep and leave this living nightmare, he cant. He never had the enough hope to recover or be cured. He wont, he doesnt need, he already knows he will never get better, he will never be the same.

If only

if only...

If only he didnt go behind that bar at 11 pm.

#brueklynn #harry fletcher #marley meriweather

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entitynotincluded · 5 years

Text

April 5th 2019;

2:56 am/4:05 am

I cant sleep and my whole body is physically aching. All these people that hurt me keep cycling through my mind.

First my dad... Luis... Why could you never show me love or even that you were proud of me. My youngest memories are of you being drunk and passed out. Yet I still loved you and idolized you with all my heart. You were my strong and hilarious dad! No one could stop you! You were out all day keeping the bad guys in jail so how could you be bad? When the divorce happened and you disappeared entirely. Any part of you that I thought I had was gone and I lost the dad I had grown so attached to. Any love that I felt you had for me left and it felt like an eternity till you said “I love you” to me again. I know you’ve said you love me before.. But that was when I was so young. I barely remember it. After all this time why? Why did you finally say it right as you left me again.

Mom... I don’t remember much before the divorce.. I wish I did. I wish I could remember you’re smile from back then. Who you were before my dads lies and cheatings were discovered. I see all these pictures of you back then. You looked so light and happy. Now when you smile I feel uneasy at times. When we left dad you started to drink and party... a lot. Living with Nana feels like the begining of the nightmare. That’s when you would go to work, come home to change and then head out again. Till you’d come home covered in the scent of booze, cologne and sweat. You’d just climb in bed, laughing because I had turned your creepy dolls away from me so they werent looking at me, then pass out. You never could tell that I had spent all night crying... worried you wouldnt return. I sat in that room staring out the window just waiting for you. I just wanted the mom that would read and sing me to sleep back. I wanted so badly for you to just be my loving mom again. I thought you being gone was the worst. Soon I learned you being there was living hell.

When you were with Luis still sure you guys would pull my ear and spank me... That was so rare though. After the split though... It was like a switch flipped in you and I became the punching bag to all your frustrations. It felt like everyday you would be hitting my ass raw. Pulling my ear so hard and constantly that it felt like it would fall off. Shaming me in public. Did you feel powerful bending me over in those stores, all those people watching, and just hitting me till I was screaming in pain because I could barely stand anymore. You would be worse behind closed doors. I wasn’t allowed outside a lot because I was always grounded or I hadn’t cleared my plans with you at least a week in advance. I lived in constant fear of you. When the front door opened.. what mood would you be in?? How long could I hide in my room before you came for me?? Some days you would just come home; tell me to go to my room, take off my pants and bend over. Thats you be there soon with the spoon or spatula. I can still remember how that wood felt on my bare skin. The marks that were left. The tears that would seem to never stop. “I’ll stop when you stop crying. Why are you still crying?” I learned to not cry because of that. Emotions would only bring me pain so why did I need them? After you would leave though and that door would close (that is if it was allowed to be closed, which it usually wasnt) I would just cry. Forcing myself to be quiet so I wouldn’t draw your attention again. I’m an adult now so you don’t do that to me now. Yet I still feel so much fear to you sometimes.

Harleigh/Zeih... You were supposed to love me. Did you ever really care about me? Or was I just someone you dated cause why not?? You were polyamourous, yeah I was ok with that. I just wanted to know I had a special part in your heart. You could do what you wanted with people and I would have been fine with it. BUT you hid it from me. You withdrew from me and slept with some of my at the time closest friends. I had to learn from your roommate that you were having sex with these people. Then to have your dad call me and defend you? All I wanted was for you to reach out to me.. Talk to me. For when you saw me.. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!! To come after me and just show some form of guilt or caring. But no.. You iust watched me break every time and cry while trying to run and hide.

You probably never learned this but... one of the people you were busy spending all your time with... Romancing and screwing... That son of a bitch would later take advantage of me. Thats for later in this hell of a post though. First you Harleigh.. You get to know how what you did affected me... I already had trust and abandonment issues. You knew this... After this though... I just lost all sense of trust. Those I dated after you were because I felt the need to say yes not cause I wanted to. I remeber one guys name after you and thats cause I know I hurt him and for that I’m truly sorry. It took YEARS for me to finally, FINALLY feel attached to someone again. To fully love them. He is so much to me but god damn am I terrifed. I’m so scared of history repeating. You know why I’m so scared?? Because of you Harleigh... Harleigb you are the reason my heart fucking turned to dust. After you I stopped eating because maybe you found my body disgusting?? I identified as Asexual at the time but had been willing to have sex if that was what you really desired from me. I was willing to be that vulnerable with you. Yet you twisted it and shattered me. I stopped eating, my body would just start puking everyday... I lost all sense of time.

That is until Sam.

Sam... You through all of this had been there for me to go to and cry. When hugged me it felt like a shield. I thought you were my genuine friend. I called you my older brother sometimes for gods sake. But no... You took my trust and shattered it too. I just wanted a ride to my best friends house after a long day of guys being creepy and flipping my skirt up. You offered me a ride so I could avoid the creeps on the bus. Did you plan to take me up to that hill/mountaint that day? When did you deside that was the destination? All I remember is Ninja Sex Party playing in your speakers and driving past my friends house. I was so confused but I trusted you.

I got out of that car and looked at the view you had wanted me to see.

I sat on the rock like you told me to.

I was being the good little girl everyone told me to be.

Then next thing I know.. your mouth is on mine. Your hands just touching and clawing at my chest. Suddenly you had pushed my skirt up.. it felt like you were clawing at my tights... like you would rip them off at any second.. You had asked if I wanted you to go in my underwear. How many god damn times did I say no and shake my head??? Were my tears not enough for you?!!!! Apparently not. Your strong hands that had held me so many times suddenly were violating me. I remember your touch on my vagina.. You made a comment about how I shouldnt be embarrassed that I wasnt bare down there. You finallt took me to my friends house when you were done with me and after that you never spoke to me again.

Dylan... you were a minor part in all of this. You were just a boy that wanted his dick to get sucked. And I was just a boy that wanted some weed. Yet that wasn’t all... you knew I had a small crush on you... You joked about it to me. You led me along and ditched me right as one of my close friends that you liked started talking to you again. You left me like some road kill. Why couldnt you at least stay and be my friend?? No. You had to completely stop talking to me. So for that fuck you. You never cared when I cried. Never came when I was crying and on the verge. Just begging for some form of help.

After all this I tried to stop eating and existing. I went to an out patient program and acted like a good recovering depressed child. I just wanted to play happy until the day I snapped and killed myself. Now though... Now I feel so happy. Everyday I get to talk to the love of my life. He sees my pain. It scares him yes. But it doesn’t scare him away. If anything it brings him closer. He wants to be there for me and I want to be there for him. I don’t have to be fake happy anymore.

I just get to be genuinely happy!

He makes living through all of this worth it and so much more. There will be hard times in the future. I accept this. Yet I feel so much more prepared to face it as long as I have my soulmate, James. He makes me not hate the world anymore. In fact now I don’t hold hate towards any of these people except you Sam.

My mother: I love her dearly even though she terrifies me

My father: I want to trust you and feel a bond if that were possible

Dylan: We were both so young I just hope you learned and are a better person now

Harleigh: I hope you find joy in your life. Though it would bring me so much joy if you could see like once in public with my James. I just want you to see how much better of a person he is than you will EVER be.

#ramblings #feelings #text

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willgayers · 6 years

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uhhhh i need a reddie as parents hc

oh my god yes!!!!!

planned together w @remushlupin again

its also long again. do i even need to say this anymore??? all my hc’s are long i cant write them short sue me

lets assume they have a boy and a girl (*cough* neil patrick harris & david burtka *cough*)

so ever since the kids first arrived at the shared household of tozier and kaspbrak,,, richie would not put the polaroid camera out of his hands

he’d be taking pictures of the kids CONSTANTLY in every situation ever. bath time? absolutely. messy spaghetti for lunch? you bet your ass. play time on the floor? DEFINITELY. eddie changing the diapers? even then.

“RICHIE ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RN?”

“well what! we gotta memorize everything!”

“nOT EVERYTHING”

richie’s also constantly emailing the photos to the rest of the losers because he’s such a proud dad

“this is rhiana eating. this is rhiana outside playing in the leafs. this is rhiana taking a bath. this is rhiana sleeping. this is rhiana —”

“okay richie great pics!!” (please no more)

“thanks! now here’s liam watching tv. here’s liam with the neighbor dog. here’s liam in his favorite overalls isn’t he just so CUTE—”

so many shopping for baby clothes!!! beverly’s also bought so many like every time she sees a cute baby overall or something she buys it immediately

they basically have so many colors like all the colors of rainbow

(obviously)

once the kids get a little older like around 4-6 all they wanna do is watch disney movies!!! and eddie and richie are down with it of course

just imagine reddie + kids movie night???? all of them cuddled up on the couch??? with a bowl of popcorn??? under a blanket????

mulan is rhiana’s favorite and little mermaid is liam’s favorite

richie of course learns how to do the voices to all the funny disney characters, his best ones are sebastian and mushu though and the kids LOVE them!!!! they love them so much and it just drives richie to do the voices even more so eventually eddie has to forbid him from doing them around bedtime because the kids will never stop giggling and every time they giggle richie’s heart expands like a trillion times so he will just continue with the impressions and it’s a CYCLE

in case you were wondering, richie’s the stay at home dad. i repeat, richie’s the stay at home dad!!!!!

he definitely does the laundry and dishes wearing a baby blue apron

eddie’s working 9 to 5 as an accountant and he fucking hates the job

richie and the kids decide to cheer him up and call him facetime calls and eddie’s immediately feelin better :“)

also. whenever eddie has to work a long day he comes back home to a ready bubble bath,, a warm prepped meal and a glass of red wine

eddie knows it’s gonna happen every time he’s coming home late but somehow he always forgets? so whenever he comes home and opens the door to see the dim lighted kitchen with a candle on the table next to his foil-covered plate and the wine glass he nearly bursts out in tears

richie’s a very caring husband™

but not that great with dressing up the kids

*one night when richie’s taking liam to the movies*

“honey … what is liam wearing???”

“he’s wearing fashion.”

“is that a… baby hawaiian shirt???”

“LIAM RUN TO THE CAR!!!!!”

anyway,,, how cute would christmas times be too?? like baking gingerbread cookies all of them around the kitchen counter together while listening to christmas songs ,,, richie and eddie forgetting about the kids for a moment when richie accidentally gets some red sugar frosting on eddie’s nose and eddie’s like “omg what did you do!!!” and richie says “you’re rudolph now” and boops his nose,,, and eddie just swoons and oh WOW they’re in LOVE and some disgustingly cute heart eyes to each other are exchanged before richie leans to kiss him and the kids go “EWWWWWWWW!!!”

imagining this just added 10 years to my life

richie literally spoils them SO MUCH

*reddie shopping for christmas presents*

“richie what is that?”

“it’s the doll house rhiana asked for”

“uhh yes and it’s also 200 dollars”

“,,, it’s the DOLL HOUSE ,, RHIANA ASKED FOR”

richie would fetch them the moon from the sky if they asked for it

also imagine the christmas mornings ,,, richie and eddie on the couch snuggled next to each other with cups of coffee/tea,, with smiles on their faces watching as the kids open the presents and it’s literally just the photo of a perfect family on a snowy xmas morning

well lets fast forward a little again, the kids are like 8-10 now

rhiana has the prettiest dark, curly hair and her eyes are brown and beautiful

liam has light hair, it’s kind of like dirty blonde and he’s got blue eyes

rhiana has a lot of friends over all the time and eddie’s always making food and/or snacks and bringing them to the kids

liam has like three good friends and they’re also constantly over but they’re mainly inside liam’s room playing video games. (or secretly listening to britney spears)

rhiana does karate and liam plays soccer

richie always drives them to school and practices ,, eddie always picks them up

they’re definitely at every competition/game cheering

“THATS RIGHT! KICK HIS ASS! KICK HIS ASS RHIANNA!”

that’s not richie by the way. that’s eddie

and at liam’s soccer games they definitely have the big foam thumbs and self-made cheer sheets

whenever liam scores richie’s gonna tap the person next to him on the shoulder and be like “tHATS MY SON!!”

and that one time when liam did the winning score,,, oh my god eddie screamed and richie accidentally threw his nachos to the air

at one karate competition, rhiana got kicked a little too hard and she fell on top of her shoulder, dislocating it

eddie and richie had sort of an argument after this,, whether or not they’re gonna let rhiana continue

eddie doesn’t want his daughter anywhere NEAR the karate ring anymore and richie thinks that if rhiana wants to continue she should

however she doesn’t want to do it anymore and richie notices she’s super sad all the time, so he suggests a new hobby and rhiana is like “like what?”

richie’s like well how about i teach you how to play guitar!!

rhiana learns acoustic guitar in like a freaking week and she gets so excited about musical instruments so she learns how to play piano and fipple flute and ukulele and wow richie’s so proud

liam gets interested in instruments too now that he has to listen to his sister practice in her room 24/7 (because of course richie bought her her own piano too), so liam learns how to play the bass

“kids, i think we should start a garage band!”

eddie cutting in between with slightly nervous laughter

“i think NOT, richie!”

lord knows eddie couldnt take it

times of horror ahead at the age of 12-13

so many “I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU BOTH!!!!“s

…because they weren’t allowed to play video games after 11pm anymore or go to slovenia with their best friend’s family or buy the shoes that cost 150$

(even richie’s getting a little strict now because eddie keeps on telling him this is your fault you spoiled them too much and now they walk around thinking im gonna buy them a fucking 2000$ smartphone)

richie’s hurt because his imitation voices aren’t funny to the kids anymore, instead they say he’s stupid and childish

wait did i say richie’s hurt? i meant richie’s heartbroken

because his kids his babies his best friends don’t want him around anymore they push richie away and rhiana even told him to ”get a fucking life, dad!!!!“

they definitely won’t let richie take any photos to the "baby photo” books that turned into a little longer than expected

so one night eddie walks upstairs to find richie crying in the bedroom with his head in his hands

“honey what’s wrong???”

“they hate me”

“richie they adore you. they’re just teenagers it’ll go away you know it”

and it does go away thankfully,,, and at the age of 15-16 they’re almost back to normal again. but now they’re just so teenagers

richie’s the good cop and eddie’s the bad cop

one time liam comes home high

fun little fact; they’re looking after their neighbor susan’s cat for a week because she’s traveling and richie is stroking the cat on his lap as he speaks

(you know how bad guys turn around on the chair)

“well well well,,, look who decided to come home”

eddie has one leg thrown over the other and hands resting on top of his other knee with such a strict look on his face

liam goes pale as he turns around, his eyes are so red and he’s just. definitely not there

richie tilts his head

“are you… are you high?”

liam just looks at him before shaking his head slowly. like. way too slowly

“shit you got any left?”

eddie gasps and slaps richie’s arm who immediately then blurts out

“i MEAN— sHAME ON YOU, LIAM, THAT IS AWFUL AND THAT IS WRONG!”

later that night richie tries to get some sexy times but eddie’s still mad at him

“oh come on eddie it wasn’t that bad”

“yOU ASKeD yOUR SiXTEeN YEAR OLd SON IF HE HaD ANY WEED LEFt fOR yOU!!!!”

“…okay i guess it was a little bad but-”

next week rhiana wants to go to a party

surprisingly tho, richie won’t let her

she asks this over dinner and she on purpose asks this from richie directly because she’s sure he’s gonna say yes

“so dad there’s this party on friday and-”

“no.”

eddies eyes widen, rhianas jaw drops and liam raises his brows but he’s lowkey gloat that his sister gets told no for a chance

“what???”

“you heard me” richie just guides a piece of the steak to his mouth

“this steak is very good honey” he just speaks like he just didnt forbid something from his daughter

“thank… you”

“excuse me but why am i not getting to go to the party??????” rhiana is like uHhh WTF dad

“because i said so”

liam snorts

“OH MY GOD!!!”

“:)” richie

“but EVERYONE is going!!!!!”

“i don’t care you are not”

“LIAM WENT TO A PARTY LAST WEEKEND!!!”

“liam’s sixteen”

“I AM FIFTEEN”

“yes so wait one more year”

“!!!!UGH!!!”

liam decides to take advantage of this

“hey so uh, johnny invited me to this-”

“no.”

“???huh???”

“i said no”

“BUT YOU JUST SAID I COULD GO BECAUSE IM SIXTEEN”

“yes, and last weekend you got home high”

“BUT-”

“no buts. liam, you are… what do you call it…”

silence

“ah, right. grounded”

“GROUNDED???”

“really?” even eddie asks, confused

“YOU CANT GROUND ME A WEEK LATER, DAD”

“says who?”

liam is just gaping

“thats what i thought”

eddie’s lowkey turned on and needs to take a sip of some ice cold water in his glass

at the age of 17-18 liam starts dating some girl from his high school and both richie and eddie love her she’s a very sweet girl!!

she’s at the house constantly and now both eddie and richie realize that rhiana’s never once mentioned having a boyfriend?? and now they’re confused because she’s gorgeous and smart and funny and everything

richie thinks he’s such a scary dad that no guy would even dare to approach her

eddie just snorts and mumbles a "sure…”

one time eddie and rhiana are having some quality time together at the mall and eddie brings up the relationship subject even though him and richie agreed not to bring it up but hE CANT HELP IT

“so… any cute guys at your class?”

rhiana gets so pissed off and storms out of the restaurant and won’t talk to eddie for the rest of the day and eddies so confused like what did i do wrong??? honey i’m so sorry???? but rhiana won’t answer she just sulks for the whole car ride

when they get home she locks herself in the room and won’t come out and eddie has to tell richie that he asked her and richie’s like why would you do that and blah blah blah

anyway then richie goes up to knock on rhiana’s door

“GO AWAY!!!”

“it’s me”

silence

the door opens

rhiana’s eyes are all teary and her lower lip is shaking and richie’s heart drops at the sight

“,,,baby what’s wrong??”

rhiana bursts out in sobs and richie steps in to her room,,, pulling her to a hug and she just cries and cries

richie then asks again what’s wrong and suggests sitting down and talking about it

“i… the reason why i… haven’t… brought a boyfriend home is… because…”

“yes???” richie asks, his voice soft

rhiana sniffs

“honey you can tell me anything okay???”

“its because im gay, dad”

richie doesn’t say anything for a moment

it’s not because he’d be shocked but because why would his daughter feel awful about telling this to him??? to eddie?? her parents are gay,, she shouldn’t feel like this,,, but clearly something or someone has made her feel like it’s wrong and now richie feels so sad

“okay.” he just says

rhiana blinks

“o-okay?”

“okay. so you’re gay. lovely!”

rhiana lets out a stuffed-nose laugh

“really? that’s it?”

“well we can throw a parade if you want to”

rhiana just hugs richie and murmurs a “i love you dad”

she then gets the courage to tell eddie too and eddie tries not to cry because he’s actually so happy??? that his daughter is so brave to tell both him and richie ?? like he never would’ve had the guts and he never even did tell his mom he’s dating richie before they were 19 and richie pROPOSED but here his daughter is at the age of 17 ,,, and he tells her she should never be ashamed of herself and honestly the two of them have a long heart-to-heart conversation that really just,,, brings them so much closer than they ever were

liam,,, in his hetero relationship however…

“YOU BROUGHT A GIRL IN TO THIS HOUSE TO HAVE SEX????”

“eddie calm down. they’re eighteen-”

“SEX??? INSIDE THIS HOUSE??!!”

richie just ignores eddie and asks liam,,,

“just tell me you were at least using a condom?”

“yeah”

“a cONdOM??? YOU— oh MY GOD YOU KNOW WHAT A CONDOM IS!”

“baby isn’t that a good thing? the kids are being safe!”

“A CONDOM, RICHIE!!! SEX!! LIAM IS HAVING SEX!”

“okay can we PLEASE stop saying sex?!?!!,”

“THATS WHAT YOU’RE DOING! IF YOU’RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO SAY IT YOU’RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE IT!!!!”

“oh come on babe we were like sixteen when we first-”

liam gags and eddie gasps

that was a long, long night and a conversation for all of them. also painful

for poor liam especially

anyway overall they’re just the greatest family ever

ikea shopping together

painting the kitchen walls together and eating chinese takeaway food on the floor

disney land trips

family vacations

movie nights

watching the ball drop from the tv at new years and shooting some fireworks from the backyard

(richie nearly set the house on fire once or twice tho)

when the kids were younger and it was date night and babysitters were needed…. losers club to the rescue!

stan and bill as godfathers,,, they always take the kids to museum tours or great restaurants

mike is their favorite because sheep,,, cows,,, chickens!!!! also he shows them pretty places and photos from when richie and eddie were teens which is funny because what the fuck is richie wearing and why does eddie have two fanny packs?????

ben and beverly always take them to cute ice cream shops or play board games with them

and when richie and eddie come back home/pick the kids up they’ve literally just missed them so much

PARENTS!REDDIE FOR LIFE

@superbyersbros @xbell22 @donthateonk8 @stenbroughbros@reddiebrekmyheart@itsgreywaterrichie @donvex @blueeyespurpleskies@ageorgymi@oh-youre-the-worst@eddiekaaspbraak @whipashwhipash @rissyq @richietoaster@edskasqbrak@urtury@bukiminajimu @kcutieeesblog @stansmansuris @adorefack @reddieaddict@icyeyes102@denbroughbill @graveyardshipper @taletellingsir@anxiety-freak-yuuri@rheddie@queertrashmouth @richiefreakingtozier@castletozier @tohzier @80soleff @lonewolfhard@low-key-dying @sad-synth @richietoaster @badboyharrington @beepbeep-losers@temptedtozier@kaspbraccs@kylieee827-blog @sad-synth @low-key-dying@officiallyreddie@reddietofall @stanleyboii @eternitynurarms@remushlupin@turtleneckrichie@rosegoldrichie @80srichie@asteroidbill@lonewolfhard @trashmouthgazebos @littlepointman

#reddie #parents!reddie #it 2017 #it fanfiction #hcs

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bloomvroom · 3 years

Text

vent poetry

anger issue stuff/vindictive fantasies due to cptsd regarding abuser

trigger warning for violence & gore I guess _ Youve been hanging around for a while now, its been some years since you raped me Its been some years since you begged me not to leave you since you asked me “Do you really want to throw all we are away over this?” right in the same day that you raped me

And I hoped id never see your face again after I cut you out of my life and I tried to heal but you wouldnt leave me alone Dragged you inside my mind to school cuz you stalked me outside my house always in presence, moved on my fucking street and you dont like letting go of me And you tore into my family, but yknow they already hated me cuz they didnt wanna believe my dad sexually abused me they already desperately wanted to call me a liar for sure, all to keep their blissfull facade of things being all fine, they just couldnt bring it over themselves to call a 13 year old little girl a liar right back when I cut my dad out of my life too cuz he tried to fucking rape me that one weekend in his new flat after mom left him Yeah youve been the chance they waited for, if it happened more than once, surely the girl is fucking lying right? You gave them the push they needed so they finally could set themselves free from pretending like they give a damn, so they called 16 year old me a liar, oh and you told them you raped me on accident, oh but like theyd have prefered it if you had that left part out but they made do with what you gave, I did some sorta roleplays with you, so you couldnt differniate, right? Doesnt matter that they never asked for my version of the events, or that you raped me out of nowhere, no sexual activity prior to it at all, no roleplay, nothing at all, they took it from there and came up with more excuses to explain away how obviously traumatized I am, my aunts husband said my mom didnt stop me from watching violent manga porn in my childhood and thats why im so fucked up now, I have no fucking clue where he got that from, for sure, but its quite of concerning that he knew I saw that sort of media in my childhood, but for real, my dad was the one actively telling me to go look up this sort of porn, after hes been showing me lolicon anime cuz he tried to groom me with it, after he instructed me to masturbate to hentai cuz he liked watching me, ah but whatever, they dont care abt that, do they?

Cuz they only care about the way youve came into their life and gave them the blessing of finally getting to call me a liar out loud, oh youve given them what they wanted, youre so buddy buddy now, and they never wanted to question how fucking creepy it is for a guy to actively befriend the family of a girl that has claimed shes been raped by the guy, how fucking weird it is that this girl went to a lawyer to get help cuz the guys been stalking her, and how they might be part of that stalking too, oh but why would ever question anything? anyhow? why would they?

They even let you move in with them, yeah why would the guy that shes accused of having raped her and stalking her wanna move in with her family after shes refused any sort of contact with him no matter how much he pushed for it? What kind of guy would do this knowing its gonna hurt her? its gonna devastate her? Yeah, what sort of powerhungry guy would - hey what again is rape most of the time motivated by? A hunger for power? A thirst for control? Mh, I wonder - I wonder how long you can hold your breath wasting your life creeping on me, over your inability to get over that I had the audacity to leave your ass after you raped me, thinking that id just move on and not leave u for it, oh for someone that obsessed about me for such a long time its like you barely even knew me,

And I know I should feel like crying when I think of it but all I feel is the shivering in my arms and legs from the adrenaline, and the waves of rage and violent urges that wash over me when I remember what the world let you get away with, when I remember my pathetic family and their farce when I remember how much of a dissapointment youve turned out to be, You should have really known so much fucking better than that, your own mother liked to get to close to you for comfort in your own childhood, you know what it feels like to be preyed on, yet you continued the cycle of abuse its pathetic, cuz I trusted you so much, trusted you in a world where barely anybody understands what its like if a parent sexually abuses you as a child, and you knew what its like, cuz it happened to you too, I trusted you to want to be better than that, I trusted that you wanted to heal and recover just like me, but boy was I wrong

You acted out on me, got triggered for sure, but you cant heal from what you refuse to see yourself as victimized of, you never liked accepting that what your mom did to you is really that bad, you held me so tightly and told me youd never let me go now that you know that I wont judge you for what youve been through, you cried in my arms that day, when we still were a couple, and you said somewhere you know what your mom did really counted as sexual abuse but you just cant let go of the illusion that she loves you, cant let go of the illusion that it wasnt even that bad, that it didnt count cuz only women can get victimized but that it feels so good to finally get to feel vulnerable, and youd never let go of me, and you do everything to make sure what happened to me never repeats

few months later you raped me’ and now youre crying out loud for gods sake just leave me the fuck alone, I cant cope with the amount of urges to murder you I get, but sadly enough I know thats sorta what youre getting at here, I know deep inside you just hope I snap and kill you cuz you cant get what you did out of you, cant get what she did to you out of you and now youre turning it around on me, and you hate me so vehemently hate me for leaving you, hate me for having been kind to you before, yeah, hate me cuz you cant have me, hate me cause you hate yourself, hate me cause youd like to end your miserable life cuz you know you cant take back what you did, well ive no sympathy for you You can beg, and you can threaten and all I do is fantasize about gutting you like a fish, I wanna cut the skin on your back open and unfold it so you can be the angel youve always wanted to be, I wanna stitch that lying mouth of yours shut, I wanna break all your fingers so you regret having ever touched me with them in those ways, I want to step on your body as its bleeding out, I wanna crush your bones with heavy shoes, I wanna hear you break like you tried to break me that day, I wanna stuff your throat full of white feathers so you can know what it felt like to be called “purity in person” too, try coughing up how you really feel, Id like to see you try, put you on a pedastal like you put me with a noose round your neck so you can know how graceful this fall is’

Purity isnt something you can steal, you shouldnt have tried to from me, Purity is something thats not as real as people pretend it is, the childhood innocence you miss, you should admit to why you feel that way, but im out of patience to give advice, youll only obsess over, like you used to, Im saying it now, the only fantasies ive got with you anymore are those in which I torture and kill you for every day you overstayed, for every day you sabotaged me and my life, when you came into my life, and when you left me bruised and more broken than ive ever been before, sabotaged the way I tried to go to school and graduate, stalking me like you did, I tried my best to succeed in life even as you kept trying to drag me down, I kept going anyway, and I did good in my own way, I kept going slower, slower, slower, but I still went my way you could slow me down, but you could never get me to stop never get me to give up, This is one hell of a sick game youve been playing with me, why cant you just accept it? You raped me and theres no second chance after that, You can deny it, try to act like you didnt, but I know you hate yourself for it, dont make it my issue, it makes me so sick when you think I could ever feel anything more for you at this point, more than the urge to grab a knife and slice your throat just to finally put an end to this, an end to this you and me havent been a thing since we’ve been sixteen, but you feel me with such violent shine when my mind goes dark cuz youve been trying to trap me in my own room full of fear cuz you keep reminding me of the way you raped me, oh and I feel like a tiger in a cage, like a tiger in a cage and im about to rip you open with my teeth, But theyd never understand the amount of damage youve dealt to me, would they? Id be the “bad one” So why dont you do me a favour and just kill yourself? You keep clinging to a possible future you had envisioned with me, but I never agreed to that, I always told you if you do something that hurts me, ill leave ya’ and you didnt even think id really do it, I promised you to stay with you for life unless you do something thatll hurt me real bad, you promised you never would, looks like you broke our promise and yet your the one crying out loud feeling the need to make me feel just how angry you are cuz I had the audacity not to stay in an relationship with my rapist

#vent poetry

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dwestfieldblog · 4 years

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THOSE WHO DO NOT WANT TO HEAR MUST FEEL

This temporary apocalypse could be seen as a globally overdue Long Night of the Soul, an initiation of sorts which might result in a deeper understanding of what actually matters for human evolution (despite the very best efforts of the scum who are trying to reverse any spiritual progress because it weakens their hold.) There are several ways in which the negative side could truly take over, starting with the horror nightmare prospect of DT (aka ‘Just Another Scumbag’ as Bannon once called him) re ‘elected’. The realistic pessimist in me is sure that if he wins, this planet in this dimension is finished. His winning will be a final signal to the world to give us up. In my lifetime, we have never been so close to the mass breakout of totalitarianism and utter lack of empathy than we are now. Actual fascist populists, not some wet Liberal bleating but the real thing, ready to go live. Covid has bankrupted hundreds of thousands of businesses, millions have lost their jobs, migration from the truly poor and dangerous countries continues...into the becoming poor and dangerous countries. Those who live there and are already ruined by the disasters in every home will be easy prey for the populists. Speaking of whom...

Steve Bannon has spent a great deal of time and other people’s money in setting up a network to overthrow the (arf arf arf) ‘deep state’ and replace it with... a new deeper state...still run by the rich, who will use the populists, who in turn will use the mass of the angry and frightened...etc etc...And power, as most people recognise it, will stay in the hands of the unhuman swine with the most gold and the least soul. WER NICHT HOREN WILL, MUSS FUHLEN...

‘...the human nervous system properly programmed, can edit and orchestrate all experience into any gestalt it wishes. We encounter the same dismal and depressing experiences over and over again because they are repeating tape loops in the central programmer of our brains. We can encounter ecstasy over and over by learning the neurosciences that orchestrate all in coming signals into ecstatic tape loops.’ R.A.Wilson. Prometheus Rising, Hilaritas Press.

It takes a lot of effort and Will to do this but what else is worth it other than to attempt to break out of the vicious cycle and evolve? Even I have managed this when I focus on choosing it. Giving up ingrained behavioural habits often hurts; this is, however, a choice. It doesn’t have to unless you are a masochist.

Flew to England for three weeks in August, full flight sold out, all of us wore masks (apart from one 6 foot 6 mad eyed American who kept pacing up and down the cabin.) Right up to the point where we were all given a bottle of water, some crisps and two biscuits...All masks off at the same time, all passengers attempting not to breathe while we drank and ate. Love seeing how many in both countries wear masks under their nose or even only on their chin. As Bill Hicks would say ‘Any questions why we’re f.....d up as a race?’ As Jonathan Pie does say; ‘Put a f...... mask on.’ I have been coughing since February, and drinking heavily, so not especially optimistic about getting C19.

I avoided almost all of the news while in UK, watched five minutes in total on the TV and only read headlines in the paper. It was enough. Since I have been back in Prague I have continued to avoid the news other than that which I am told by friends and students but I can tell from daily receiving over one hundred emails that things are truly breaking. Hexagram 23 and total Weltschmerz is upon us. Mental health is twisting up globally. One by one, all my friends are suffering serious damage, one way or another. Hearts are breaking apart and many damnable souls, who should be burning, are not. People are afraid to breathe or to embrace, looking to the very worst set of leaders in my lifetime for answers and being manipulated en masse to mass crises.

(Jaz Coleman....On the Day the Earth went Mad...watch the video, listen. Feel. Weep. Rage. Change.) QUI NOLERUNT AUDIRE DEBERE SENTIRE.

Love the interviews I saw with those who voted for Trump and realised they made a mistake...after FOUR YEARS. What clued them in? Which particular excremental atrocity of his foulness gave them the alert? Will the Electoral College let him ‘win’? Before I left, I saw the Trump interview where he said ‘It is what it is’, with regard to the massive number of deaths in the USA. ‘We are below the world’. Blood pressure rising, I even checked his Twitter account where he published two letters, one from the eternally unlovely NRA and the other from the American Police Federation, assuring him he was the best president to ever serve their interest and they would back him to the hilt. His plan to stir the US up into open civil war continues and Putin sits back and smiles. As does Jared it seems, the smug sadist advisor in the same style as (England’s off Broadway Trump) Boris’s Dominic Cummings. Herd Immunity? Well yes it might work at some point after a few years and millions dead. You evil alien bastards. The main individuals in the British Government will make millions from a no deal Brexit, perfect timing. The country will die.

The newest PC bullshit has got even the wonderful JK Rowling into trouble just for speaking her mind politely about transgender issues. I love PC... it is how dumb useless Liberals can act out their secret fascist impulses and feel hard of c..k and wet of p...y...feel good to be so righteous... same with overly ill humoured religious folk, but the PC tribe cannot use God to justify anything so they are a bit weaker...You morons... ‘People who menstruate’, People with a cervix’? PEOPLE? Really? Women is a bad word is it? Too specific? (Well it has the word men in it, so seems almost inclusive.) You bastards are annihilating language; raping semantics...get another hobby you ridiculous cretins. (Be sure the populists well understand how to manipulate such fools.)

Extinction Rebellion is being used (among a multitude of other groups in other countries, hello Black Lives Matter) by the Kremlin to stir up shite, they are mostly well meaning on the road to Hell. Stop being so dumb and stop helping those who are against you at home and abroad. Dogmatic faith leads to mistrust, violence and hatred, says the lone derranger...And as for the absurd Q Anon, it is those who seek a Deeper State who are using you to do it. Well done.

Jacob Blake, shot seven (count them) times in the back by police even though charged with no crime and paralysed was handcuffed to hospital bed. That goofy twat of a 17 yr boy who wanted to be a policeman, shooting at blacks because he believed he had carte blanc (arf) from Trump to defend his country against ‘terrorists’...he will probably escape much punishment because... he was bullied at school...WHO WASNT?? The only people who weren’t were bullied at home. Guns ‘open carry’ in various states as the NRA rejoice in what they encourage. ‘Your first amendment means I can say your second amendment sucks d...s’. JimJeffries. Damn straight. By the time even I was 17, I had grown out of wanting to kill half the world. Wannabe cops are a little slower.

Everything is the new normal. Too late for a mid life crisis unless I die at 108 but I never forget that statistically there is more chance of being killed by death than anything else. ‘Heres to my love! O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.’ Walking... see three funeral services shops in the road leading to/away from the hospital, clever businessmen...walking...masks off, between two conveniently placed flower shops and smoking outside the fuming crematorium in black suits and highly polished shoes. Waiting. That’s us.

I MISS YOU MARLENE. I MISS YOU MARLENE. I MISS YOU MARLENE. Nice headline seen on US newspaper...‘Can any good from cyberstalking your online crush?’I wondered that after falling in fascination with a woman in Germany who wrote like a poet and wove a spell of stories to charm and beguile. I would have walked from London to Hamburg to see if she was real. Everyone expresses love and the need for it in different ways. Reprogramming a deeply imprinted circuit is usually uncomfortable and so it proved for both of us. We shall see...if there is time. ‘One of us is crazy and the other one’s insane’

I can remember one of the days I Changed (seven years old?) We had a history lesson and were told about English kings and their ‘Divine Right’ to rule. Because God told them. And they told the people. And the people believed them. I remember the light in the classroom, where I was sitting, the smell of the tables, old unused ink wells, pencil shavings... and just thinking whatever a child’s version of F..K OFF...THATS BULLSHIT ISNT IT? would have been. That was the first moment I started questioning the class system, gullibility and bastards. A couple of years later, the absolute freedom of being, sent to collect the class register, walking down the empty corridors and not in the classroom...a beautiful feeling of being OUTSIDE. Free. Two of many experiences which have never left me. (The Angel Choir, the Rituals, the EYE across the Multiverse dream, the Reconnection...) Even if Freedom turns out to be as much of an illusion as everything else, it is still as beautifully sensual to me as music.

One summer night in 1990 after my 3rd breakdown, I had a dream. I think. Bear (or even bare) with me on this, I know how this sounds but it is only reporting what I saw in my mind. Two Aliens, thin and shadow like, came though my open bedroom door in the night (I could see the silhouettes) and one took a long shiny silver needle like a hypodermic for a horse and stood behind me and pushed the needle in through the top and centre of my skull, penetrating my brain. I FELT it slowly being pushed in, it hurt but I was paralysed. There was no voice but I heard (try not to laugh) ‘So now you have Superintelligence’. They moved out, the door closed, I slept. As usual with me, I remember every single dream I have ever remembered as if they were films I have watched over and over...and after a dream, the atmosphere stays with me for 23 whores. Later that day, I picked a big hardback book to find some info on something (A Cyclopaedia) with pages as thin as a bible. I sat almost motionless and without food for eight hours, DEVOURING every subject in it. Economics, geometry, geopolitical events, medicine, beliefs, systems.....the next day I finished ninety percent of it and went on to read books by five philosophers from second hand shops, started watching insects, stopped swearing, worked out, and read and read and read. All the knowledge I hadn’t cared about in school and college I picked up that one summer. It led to making new friends, new possibilities, new work, new love and led me to fly to Prague in this sequence while continuing to practice many ‘New age’ techniques by a writer called Stuart Wilde. They all worked and I continued...with regular fallings and breakthroughs.

‘Religion was invented when the first scoundrel met the first fool’. Faith is believing what you know not be true’. The seeker finds a belief and stops thinking for themselves...‘Every ideology is a mental murder, a reduction of dynamic living processes to static classifications, and every classification is a Damnation, just as every inclusion is an exclusion.’RAW

I had a four hour conversation with a Christian bloke, thirty, intelligent, believes in Satan as an actual being with horns. Etc. He couldn’t quite see any flaw in saying that any prophet who saw angels, white light and heard the voice of God, healed, etc but was not actually Christ, was only being tempted and used by the devil. He told me to watch the beautiful side of evil...

‘Every act of authority is, in fact, an invasion of the psychic and physical territory of another’. Human progress ‘is the concrete manifestation of some person’s refusal to bow to Authority.’

‘WE GOT ELECTED ON DRAIN THE SWAMP, LOCK HER UP, BUILD THE WALL. THIS WAS PURE ANGER. ANGER AND FEAR IS WHAT GETS PEOPLE TO THE POLLS. THE DEMOCRATS DON'T MATTER, THE REAL OPPOSITION IS THE MEDIA, and the way to deal with them is to flood the zone with shit.’ Said Bannon, who also said. ‘Darkness is good. Dick Cheney. Darth Vader. Satan. Thats power.’ Has he met Putin yet? Is he also on speed dial along with Boris and Trump? People! Create better leaders. NOW.

Happy birthday Aleister Crowley on the 12th October and Happy Halloween to all readers, stay healthy and sane (arf) Remember you are magick...buy the re-release of Musick to Play in the Dark by COIL and become moonlight... And those in America, if you actually do truly believe in a good God...go and vote and remove that evil ego and his cohorts in the White House with absolute overwhelming victory or we are done in this lifetime. Be healthy.

LOVE!!!

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mariposas-reylo · 4 years

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Im Free!!! So the other day my hubby ran into an old coworker and she told us our Ex had gotten married. She literally ghosted us 6 months ago and now she's knocked up and married. My hubby called me and told me and I started laughing! I mean I always thought I would cry hysterically because I really did love her despite all the trauma she caused me and I was really surprised that I started laughing. So naturally I checked and I laughed even more. I mean I'm happy for her but im so happy that she'll never ever get to emotionally abuse me ever again. Than it hit me i wasnt laughing at her (that's not me I wish her the best) I was laughing because I was finally free! Im free of her abuse, her lies and her false promises. She knew about my depression, my suicidal thoughts, my anxiety and my insecurities and she didn't even hesitate to abandon me the minute she found a new sucker to believe her. I couldn't stop laughing because after all the dirt she did to advance her life she ended up in a dead end town, knocked up and married in a backyard in less than 6 months. Not that theirs anything wrong with that to each their own but everything she did to my husband and I, all the people she cheated on and left for someone who could give her more opportunities in life here in NY and now she's stuck in Alabama forever! But I realized I never have to wonder again. I never have to feel less than. I never was! Im the fucking prize and I get to live this adventure of life in the greatest city in the world ,travel, experience things at my pace and I have a King by my side the whole time. Karma is beautiful truly. Why? Because she never took time to heal she jumped from "i want to do this right i miss you, I love you, im yours" to "oh no wait this guy is putting a roof over my head and he believes all my bullshit without questioning it so im going to marry him Bye!" I mean who does that?! When you don't take time to actually heal your wounds and set right your mistakes you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes. But this time she won't use me as a punching bag. Im the healthiest ive ever been, im happy and I have found a new purpose in life. My conceincse is clear and I didnt have to cause anyone pain to achieve it. I was honest with my feelings the whole time and I never lied. I told her I supported her and would be there every step of the way in her healing process because i do believe people can change.. mistakes don't define a person its what they do after that defines them. This was her choice. I was smiling so much I took this picture and sent it to my husband. "Were Free!! She never gets to abuse us again and now she's stuck isnt Karma wonderful." I text my best friends who were with me the whole time and they were so happy for me (they really didn't like her) and they laughed with me ( I love my girls) "Yooo After all the pain she caused yall thats where she ended up..deadass?? Lmaoo thats perfect 🤣🤣" Now I get to wake up in NYC everyday, im so fucking happy and Free!! I keep saying it cause it was like I could breath again. My abuser is gone shes gone and she's never coming back and im so happy!! In life you don't get to hurt people, abuse them, lie to them, cheat on them and than abandon them and get to live a happy life it just doesn't work that way. Karma always catches up, I hope she's happy and lives the best life with the family she has chosen. We are more than ok without her and now I take the lessons I learned from her and move on and be the best possible version of myself. Im so happy! Im free! I survived!

I know noone will probably read this and maybe im being a little petty (thats ok ive earned it) but I had to put into words what I was feeling cause I haven't been able to stop smiling. Im so happy I didn't take my life, im so happy im still here. Im so happy my hubby and I worked on our relationship and are the strongest we've ever been and that he never abandoned me even on my darkest days.. im happy I got help, I can only control what I do and im going to keep going on this positive path and keep improving She was right I do deserve nothing but happiness I deserve a life of happiness. Im happy I fell in love with myself. I hope shes truly happy now and stops her cycle of abuse but she's not my problem anymore. Im free! Im finally free!

And if anyone does read this, Stay! Stay its gets better i promise you. Don't give up, get help and live your life. Please don't give up. You are loved ❤❤❤ ☺

#personal #keepsmiling #karma #healing #movingon #venting #happy #reallove #selflove #selfcare #suicidepreventionmonth

#personal #healing #selflove

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akira-seijuro · 4 years

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1/3 Last brain pill

I should have been something else. I could have made more days less painful for everyone. I love my family, friends more than I love myself. I can't do it. I can't love myself enough to let them go.

On 27th April, 2020, one of the anti depressants that I have been taking for over an year, is over. My doc, reduced the dosage and I think I'm finally done with it and I was so damn fucking happy. I think, for the first time in my entire life, including my childhood, I don't see myself as a victim anymore. Victim of being bullied, unfriended, heartbreak, academics and most importantly my friends and family.

This lockdown is like shit worst. I can't even imagine people being alone and trying to take care or themselves. It's nightmare. I can't even imagine myself in my pg or my hostel room anymore. I mean, sure I could have survived like I did all those years, but that chronic self care obsession would just make me let go of myself. On May 31st 2020, I'll be officially completing one year of my medication and June 2nd would be my father's first death anniversary and July 15th would be the time I probably saw my friend, for the last time, who totally instilled hope in me. I'd probably never see him again.

I could have been better. I don't know why I didn't. I don't know if it was my best thinking now. I could have been more patient, a better daughter. I could have been more honest, a better friend. I could have been more kind to myself. I lived in fear for so long, I don't care about my last minute anymore. I don't am have any regrets. I tried my best. I don't like when people say 'Poor you, take care of your mum. You had to go through so much at a very young age. Everybody goes through this. Everybody dies sometime. I get it, I understand your pain.'

I think what I wanted was 'It's alright. I believe in you. We'll be ok. We will go through this shit together and finally make peace with it someday.' I did have my best friend saying that to me until January 2nd, 8.30pm. Now I don't know where he is. How he is doing. I wanted to escape my life so badly, I wanted to run away from my bitterness. But it was all inside of me. I didn't want my dad's death another thing for people to say sorry for. It means something for me. Sometimes he means everything to me. Every little piece of my existence belongs to my parents. I love them very much that I can't be this girl who went through her childhood without almost making a single friend. But yeah, teenage is shit. I changed. A lot. I became more open, accepting, strong and brave. I was never afraid to tell the truth, I used to postpone but I know I would do it anyway, I would do what feels right to me. C'mon I proposed 2 guys. It was real. The love I felt. I think being in love makes you feel that everything is possible, mostly that it deepens the hope that someday you'll be happy. Chill. Both are one sided and failures. I've never been loved or cared that way. I don't think I need to. I mean my friends wholeheartedly love me and would go almost out of their way to do anything that would make me feel better at times. I never looked for a fucking replacement of the man whom I loved the most. No body can be that man who chants my name to feel better while in pain.

Rather than hurting people. I think I scared alot of people away because of my love. I guess it's so intense and feels weird. I don't know. I've started therapy for the first time in my life on October 23rd 2016, because I couldn't bear the fact that I couldn't wish the person on his birthday because my existence was irksome i guess. I still don't know what it was. But yeah. It continues till April 30th 2016 while I was in college. Every week Thursday at 3pm, a counselling session. I felt more accepted and more cared for with the space I wanted there. But frankly, I started therapy because I just wanted someone to listen to me and just try to not have an opinion good or bad about my pain, but be with me while I was processing it. I went there because I thought they'd not have any choice but to listen because I paid. But it was the best thing I did in my life. My dad's illness came back again. I mean March 2nd 2012 to December 17th 2012 is not enough. I was a lid. I didn't process shit. I just believed in god blindly and performed my duties of packing, buying groceries, boarding public transportation, learning how to ride a scooty without ever having a cycle, waiting outside operation theatre, outside radiation hall, outside chemo sessions, all while preparing for my bard exams and jee mains. I just blocked it out. All the pain and emptiness. It had to come again. Being close friends with dad, his illness pushed me to the edge of depression and I was meds which he manipulated me to stop after reaching home. I would isolate myself and would be blamed for it later. I would feel guilty that the person, my best friend whomi trusted the most left me to hang dry. Actually 2 of them. Then comes the job.

But I came to Bangalore with my cousin. When I entered royal orchid for my job orientation everyone is with someone and I was all alone. Just how I entered my college. All alone from Hyderabad to Surathkal. I opened my door, saw my roommate with her family came out and cried so much for my dad. He called my cousin and then he came to see me. It's new for him as well. So I dont blame. My dad knew what I needed until he knew he was gonna die sometime soon. I suffered, wished it to end. I tried therapy and meds again but I felt its hopeless and I stopped once the side effects were horrible from July 2017. My therapist was wonderful though. I loved her. I felt like she's my friend and I didn't want to go down that lane so I stopped. Then people told me that I'm so pessimistic to think 2018 December 22nd would be my last birthday with dad. You know it's not the worst thing to imagine the worst, sometimes its callous reality. Some doctor said this. You dont know what your people want whether they want to fight on ventilator or not. But it would be nice to get to know them. My stomach turned in may so much that I thought something bad is going to happen to my dad the whole time. Once he was scared and the practical prank he pulled took a toll on me and I colored my hair blue. It became green. I wanted to cut ties with my family and friends. No body was there then, all my friends were on business trips or we had a fight. But I made a new friend who's accepting and weird. Then another new friend with whom I randomly broke out after storming out of a meeting. I guess I started developing feelings for the former one. I didnt want all that shit because I know it's not going to work out or that it won't be reciprocated. So, I didnt want that shit to make my suffering much worse. So I realized everything is so messed up and I needed help. I stuttered and stammered dude while my dad thought he was dying but didnt. I barely remember what words I spoke or repeated. Well, second time when they called, it's true. Anyway on 31st may, with all the complications I decided I might need meds because even my body is going out of control now. Then on 1st I get that call and had to dye my hair back to brown and go see him there. This time no words came out of my mouth, it's like I forgot all the languages and how to form sentences. I couldn't promise him that I'll come out of depression, so I said I'd try in my head which obviously didnt come out because, well, like I said my body wasnt under my control. Then the only thing I wanted him to know about my life is Ayushman, lets call my first love that. I dont want to name. That I love Ayushman so much but he doesn't and its ok. I called to tell him about my new friends Bhavana and Bennington, let's call second guy that. But instead it all turned out something. But once after all that agony injecting rituals and processes, I came back and the only person o wanted to see and talk was Bennington. Then I realised what I was feeling and I accepted it and felt good that while grieving, I was able to love and not feel guilty about it. True, I tried very hard, wanted to cross oceans for him. I wanted to be there for him. But then I didn't want to force it. I don't know what the fuck I did anyway. Then a lot happened, prathista entered my life and I was loved and accepted and I could feel people wanting good for me. And that's all I needed. Besides the belief thing. Some more fights with my best friend sneha, with whom I got matching tattoos.

Then my best friend, lets call him sunshine had to like go out of the world to save love. I was alone. I was a workaholic. Knowing that someone loved me gave me immense energy to work harder, to do more good. But then Voila, my mom and cancer again. God. I didnt feel that someone is inflicting pain or that I'm a victim. I felt that these things happen and its life. It's bad but it's how it went in my life. I have no control over what happens to her. Whenever I assist her or do some stuff, I keep correlating with my dad's time with cancer. It gets so confusing. Idk. I love my mum too. I grieve. I cry. For both mum, dad. Sometimes for sunshine and Bennington. But I think it's ok. It's not something to feel bad or sorry for. It's a part of my life. I am glad I was able to back to my friendships. Gowtami, Chandu, Bokade are like pillars of support for me. I realised being kind is a way to deal with the crisis. I liked the way I lived for the first time. But I'd do anything for the people I love. I'm not going to force it. I wish them all good. People keep saying I'm strong and brave explicitly. No, I was always them. They are implicit things. Thats my character. Being able to be strong, brave, vulnerable, real honest, intense and sometimes messy. Anyway 2 more brain pills to go and still more therapy sessions. They will end when they should. I am glad that this is something that I did for myself. It's my effort despite all the discouragements I've faced about it. I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I'm so glad it has a name. I miss my dad very much right now. My mom's chicken curry too. I miss my friends.

Love,

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nightskytypes · 7 years

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I used to love Autumn. It was the time where back home, the leaves everywhere started to change. Bolder and brighter colours started to show after all the green for just one more time, changing my hair in tune to it. My dad would start to stock up for fires Id wrap myself in oversized sweaters and thigh highs, curling up in the remainder of the sun in the middle of the floor with my cats. Thanksgiving with all of my family and watching the neighbourhood kids start bringing out pumpkins. Inktober and halloween steadily approaching with our anniversary right in the path as well.. Walks were refreshing. Taking my time with a coffee as the very slight chill in the air helped me breath just a bit better. Id try and plan the dreaded December month ahead. How much I hated christmas but looked forward to it only because I adored the time with the people I loved after all the gift stress was out of the way. But this year its hell. A reminder of things all crashing around and dying off. I wont see the leaves 2 of the cats I loved cut away from me I wont see my family for the holiday Inktober feels like nothing but a chore And the anniversary plans now just one more harsh sting in my chest. I just want to curl up and sleep through it. Sleep though till the snow melts off and nothing is really left. TIll I forget and just am entirely a new being. But that’s the thing with fall. Its just another step in the cycle. Its the time where things are supposed to slowly die off. The colours sleep covered by a blank sheet till they can slowly come back and paint the once dull landscapes all over again. Everything wakes up and starts to rebuild. So maybe, even with how much I hate it right now. How much I want to shut it out and scream it all away and how angry I am.. I should take a page out of it. Seasons change. It goes from being cold and shitty, wet and gray to warm and brighter. Water starts to flow again and the leaves will bud and get ready for the next change in scenery. Its an exhausting process..its taxing and sometimes not even a guarantee everything will survive through it, But its necessary. In order for things to keep going, in order for others to enjoy the sight..its necessary. And I really hope above all else that I can learn from that. I tried. I tried to speak to you. I was calm for so long.. I was patient for so long. I gave you chance after chance that even you have stated you shouldn't of gotten as many as you did. But you didn't want to truly learn from your mistakes. You didnt want to get past the shitty “I’m trying thats all that matters” funk that keeps you locked in a repetitive cycle of a 2:1 ratio of mistakes vs improvement. It got too hard for you. You didn't WANT to fight. You wanted to shut it all away and believe you weren't the type of person you were in fact being towards me. Surrounded yourself with people who had no idea of what exactly you have done wrong, and avoided ever coming forth with it in fear of jeopardizing that coping mechanism. I made the choice to fight through the ridiculous amount of pain because I firmly believed the ends would of justified the means. I believed that despite what you were doing, despite how what you said to me and what you acted on were two different things; I thought you cared for me. But you? You gave up. every time. I will grow. I’ll give another person the same dedication in hopes they’ll return it back just as much because withholding that just because you and someone else fucked me over will only destroy my chance at real happiness. And you’ll just repeat your cycle you’ve cried about since you were a kid allowing the mistakes of others control your life. Just like it did with us. I give too many chances. I trust in too much with no evidence that I should. Im patient and nice for too long. I’ll sacrifice my happiness and my place for the sole purpose of them being happier. And one day? I’ll find someone who doesnt just take that for granted. One day I’ll experience it back. I helped you with school in the exact ways you claim i didnt, you just ignored it. I told you year ago to just go to school or buy that motorcycle instead of waiting for the wedding because you werent happy enough and you kept thinking thats what you wanted most. I spent these past three months trying to get you to open up and talk in a healthy productive manner so you would be okay. But you didnt listen. Because anything that comes out of my mouth is disregarded and forgotten about. And no matter how much you lie to others, no matter how much you try to paint me out as the opposite It’ll never be true.

#lwnd #personal #im just very very tired #i want to quit. I really wish I wasnt alive. But i need to just get over it #I have so much to look forward to #its a reminder #and a promise

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