#you can’t want more from us when you openly reject what we put out.

[thatone-churro]

i was gonna make this addition to someone else’s post but it got longer than expected and i really didn’t wanna do that to them after they said they were done talking about it in regards to their own work.

i don’t know if “bugs” or “irks” are quite the right words for how i feel, but this take certainly does something of the sort to me.

i hate that the concept of “bury your gays” and its related discourses are so quickly applied to ALL queer media. it’s completely stripped of its original context/meaning and i know THAT irks me to no end.

personally, i’m of a mind that queers deserve media about them, about queers, and also about tragedy, death, murder, action and suspense, or whatever the occasion is. it can be about the queer cast while not having a happy ending, or without the cast being perfect.

“casually queer” is how i used to describe my personal project. yes, it’s blatantly and unapologetically queer, and that queerness is important, but it’s not the focus of the story. it’s not the point of the story. there’s still action, still adventure, still death, still tragedy. the cast isn’t perfect, some die, some are awful, some are “problematic,” even the queer cast. most things happen to the queer cast, because most of the major cast is queer.

i don’t understand the idea of condemning a work for “problematic queer characters” if it’s just a primarily queer work. you can’t have a queer story with no conflict or have realistic characters that are perfect. you want a queer story, but no, no, the queer characters can’t be problematic. and the problematic trait they describe is simply just. a character flaw exploited for the sake of the narrative. i don’t get it.

a queer story written for queers shouldn’t be perfect and pure. there should be “problematic” things. there should be tragedy. they shouldn’t have to be pure. they shouldn’t have to be perfect. they shouldn’t be shunned by the community they were created for because they told an otherwise typical story, except now it’s queer. queer stories, or any story, should be allowed to be complex. there should be nuance. not everything in it should be likable. that’s how a story works.

using my story as an example, again, my all-time favorite character and one of my main protagonists for a good chunk of it is a nonbinary lesbian on ace-spectrum. okay. cool. lots of rep there. but they’re heavily flawed. they kill. they have regrets. they make stupid decisions. they’re self-righteous. they’re terrified of being the bad guy yet end up the bad guy in many people’s views. they have one very violent motive. they love their family to such an extent that they’ll destroy anyone who lays a hand on them. they’re complex. they’re nuanced. they’re not always the good guy. that’s how a story is. if they were a perfect, pure, “perfect” character, there would be no story. no enjoyable story, at least.

what baffles me the most is when queer creators make these queer stories and suddenly they’re a bad queer because they killed one of their many queer characters, for instance. i’ll use my project once more for an example. say, remember that nonbinary ace lesbian from less than a paragraph ago? yeah, i ended up killing them at one point. their story was over and while it hurt me, too, it was a necessary step for the story. their story was over and i needed them to start the next chapter of the next protagonists’ story. but as a nonbinary ace lesbian myself, does that make me a “bad queer?” am i suddenly evil if i killed off my sapphic couple that got marrie in the first part because their story was over and there was no other way to move on their daughter’s story with them there? am i the asshole for killing one of my ace characters for a narrative purpose? am i not allowed to do certain things to my queer characters anymore if i don’t want to be a “bad queer?”

i guess these feelings boil down more to how strictly puritan culture and/or cancel culture and/or “problematic” culture has invaded the literary scene and how that impacts me, a queer writer. how are we supposed to tell these stories that people beg for if they are torn down and torn apart for the exact nuances they want? how are we supposed to create anything without relentless scorn or fear of being “cancelled” for thematic complexities? i don’t understand it.

in conclusion:

i realize my opinion on the subject is probably HEAVILY swayed by my own tastes and preferences and i have no idea where i’m going with this anymore and there’s not really an argument here anymore so really this whole thing can be taken with a grain of salt.

anyway, that’s my angry rant for the day. please don’t witch hunt me for it, thanks 🤞

#do you people understand how exhausting this gets for queer creators. do you. #when you’re so quick to get up in arms with pitchforks and torches how are we supposed to create? #‘i want more complex queer stories! no wait not like that.’ what are we supposed to do. #how can we create when those creations are shunned and when we (as queer creators) get ‘cancelled’ for it #do you understand. do you get what this does to your own community. #you can’t want more from us when you openly reject what we put out. #i’m so fucking tired of this as a queer writer. i’m so tired. #someone can probably explain this in a nicer/more formal way but i’ve already written two essays this week i’m not writing another for this #grace being kinda serious for once #text post #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbtq community #literature #what do i tag this?? #lgbtq creators #discourse #< i guess #long post

[swallowerofdharma]

Yashiro’s Cruel God part one

Disclaimer: this post contains a detailed and straightforward analysis of chapter 25. Doumeki isn’t the villain, if you were worried about that. Actually I must apologize because I wanted to talk about him too, but as usual I started this meta with Yashiro and got carried away. This is also why I am dividing it in parts to avoid having a very very long post. So other parts will hopefully follow to fully elaborate the premise I made. Thank you for understanding. And please take care of your wellbeing, if mentioning Yashiro’s stepfather upset you, maybe skip this one.

Premise: not a matter of perfection but of balance

This person I followed reblogged the Declarations of healthy adulthood by David Richo in big big font and - having only one thought on my mind apparently - I read all that text in Yashiro’s POV. I actually don’t think that this is a perfect model or anything, and I am generally skeptical of self help books (I only assume this is something like it), but why not use this as an example, while considering something that I find interesting about Yashiro and Doumeki? During the discussion about the latest chapter, I said something along the lines of Doumeki representing young love, while Yashiro’s approach has been more mature, and I meant it thinking about Yashiro being aware and cautious about hurting others [and being intentional when he does, since he put a bullet in Doumeki’s leg] and being quite self reliant, and yes I know that he is also afraid of being hurt/loved! in previous posts here, I have mentioned that Yashiro’s acceptance of his past is only-in-part denial or downplaying of trauma, because it has been also a strategy and an impressive sign of his maturity and determination to live in the present. Isn’t it exceptional that Yashiro doesn’t seem all that resentful of his parents? That he openly says that he doesn’t blame others? We have to confront his words always mindful of the fact that he usually is an unreliable narrator, but in many instances he says the truth or half truths and his demeanor confirmed that he did some of what David Richo proposes: I accept full responsibility for the shape my life has taken; I accept that I may never feel I am receiving - or have received - all the attention I seek; One by one, I drop every expectation of people and things; I let go of blame, regret, vengeance, and the infantile desire to punish those who hurt or reject me; No one can or needs to bail me out. I am not entitled to be taken care of by anyone or anything, I let go of control without losing control.

I thought that it was very interesting to consider the Yashiro/Doumeki dynamics from different angles, like older/younger, or even realist/romantic, for example. The point of this experiment isn’t to make a comparison of merit nor to talk about a character in better light than another. Maybe those differences need to be confronted or balanced: for example the realist maybe needs some of the romantic’s idealism to soar and not be stuck on the ground. Yoneda-san might be onto something so human and amazing here. An important clarification is due before saying anything else. As characters that are written as full human beings, with their complexity and contradictions, Yashiro and Doumeki can’t be put neatly into the opposite categories I proposed. The story is much more dynamic, so I ask you to take a further step and put those opposites at the ends of a spectrum and to move our characters freely in both directions. Yashiro tends toward being effectively the older and more realistic one but he has traits that make him move down towards the other end too, even to the extreme of being childish. Consider for example these other statements, from the Declarations of healthy adulthood: I need never fear my own truth, powers, fantasies wishes, thoughts, sexuality, dreams, or ghosts; When change and growth scare me, I still choose them. I may act with fear, but never because of it; I am still safe when I cease following the rules my parents (or others) set for me; If people knew me as I really am, they would love me for being human like them. These points clearly demonstrate Yashiro’s unresolved problems, where he is stuck if you want, and why probably nobody believed me when I pointed at him as being mature (eh, he has his moments tho, you can’t deny that).

I challenge everyone to consider that those four points in particular are quite challenging for most people in general, but particularly so for someone who has fear/betrayal as the foundational principle in their childhood instead of a normal amount even a scarse amount of parental love/safety. And I want to underline childhood here, not teenage years or later.

I need never fear my own truth, powers, fantasies wishes, thoughts, sexuality, dreams, or ghosts. Yashiro here is a mix of contradictions, because he outwardly seems to own those things, even making them a point of his persona, but most of those things are based on the lies he told himself, or his stepfather told him: see this other point

I am still safe when I cease following the rules my parents (or others) set for me. Isn’t this statement extremely helpful to understand Yashiro’s situation? To feel safe he had to build his personality according to the rules of the one who had all the power over him and had already taken away any sense of security from him. This is probably one of those things that can be hard to understand when you have never been there. Most notably, not only in the manga this has been pointed out, but it has been pointed out by Yashiro himself. He is self conscious of this, he knows that he lied to himself as a child, that he had to, and he is constantly choosing to continue lying because that is still the only foundation he has. There was no familial love, no other relative safety. Letting go of the lies actually means going to pieces and breaking down.

This isn’t different from what happens to people who are tortured. Yashiro’s father completely took away any sense of security and safety. The aggravating circumstances were that Yashiro as a child didn’t have any other point of reference or knowledge to understand what was happening with his body and in that state of mind what his father told him had to be the only truth possible. Parents who abuse their children most often don’t even realize what they are doing to its full extent. That’s the immense cruelty of these types of situations. The rules are lies, but the lies are rules to follow to be safe:

You like it when it hurts, right? If it doesn’t hurt, I can’t get into it.

What happened in chapter 25: why now?

Yashiro didn’t want to have sex with Doumeki and said so repeatedly. Doumeki has grown on him, behind liking his physical appearance or using him as a substitute for Kageyama: Yashiro truly liked this person and he liked that Doumeki was impotent. Thanks to that, Yashiro grew comfortable around Doumeki and with comfort and safety comes familiarity. When Yashiro discovered that the impotence was gone, he was angry and terrified. They had become too close and now the premise has changed and Yashiro couldn’t trust Doumeki or himself anymore. I won’t analyze here the scene in the shower but I’ll skip to the point. Doumeki only understood that his love was required, that he was wanted and stopped thinking. He acted passionately like any young person who had a normal foundation in love would. He didn’t understand anything that Yashiro asked or why there were mixed signals and what it all meant. He pushed and hurt and broke without being aware of what he was doing.

And Yashiro was trapped in a situation he had tried to escape from his all life: with a person who felt familiar, a person he loved and relied on, in the safety of a home, who wanted sex and was going to do what he wanted regardless of what Yashiro had to say. Yashiro desperately tried to control what was happening through usual patterns, making it hurt, asking Doumeki to do from behind, detaching the sex from his emotions, but he couldn’t and for the first time in his life sex was different from what he knew, because while Yashiro had loved his stepfather, his father didn’t love him and he didn’t treat him like Doumeki did. And every lies built around his father’s abuse came to the surface. Including the fact that his father never loved him. Doumeki broke him indeed because he broke through the lies/rules upon which Yashiro had intentionally built his entire personality/safety. And he wasn’t ready for it, he specifically said he didn’t want it, he had known all along, he already knew when men before Doumeki tried to make love to him and when he built a strategy to specifically avoid being confronted with those lies/rules. He didn’t love those men. He did love Doumeki though. But once again Yashiro didn’t have a choice. And he was physically hurt and recovering after being shot and knowing his life was in danger outside of that room. He had just discovered that Doumeki lied about being impotent the previous time he touched him in the car and before that. It was probably the worst timing possible for making love. At some point Yashiro grew resigned and even reciprocated a little, reaching for Doumeki, caressing his face, and he even reassured him before he fell asleep. There were words that Doumeki said that Yoneda didn’t disclose fully, choosing instead to immediately took us in the flashback with Yashiro. I think it is probable that what Doumeki said was something that Yashiro’s father had said and that we are going to confront before the end of the manga. I personally want to know these words more than what Yashiro said while an airplane passed by and Doumeki was unconscious. Morbid maybe on my part.

I have stated that I am not going to make Doumeki a villain here. The point of this analysis is just to see where Doumeki was in terms of maturity. To be continued…

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #saezuru analysis #yashiro #doumeki chikara #yashiro x doumeki #yoneda kou #eri reads saezuru

[josiebelladonna]

trying this yet again because i’m tired. 18+ please.

Would you say that you have or have not had a strong sexual drive in your life? How does and did this level of sexual drive affect your intimate relationships?

I’m going to try really hard and not be negative with these, because I’m exhausted. Insecurity and no confidence are no joke and not something easily fixed by telling me I need to exude confidence or to “just be myself” because those pieces of advice are anything but helpful. And we wonder why I get so angry about it. These are meant to help me and meant to let me audit this part of me, this part of me that I have never loved or felt proud of before.

Looking over the last thirty years and I guess I let my own insecurities get the best of me—this shit always happens to me, too. Despite wavering and ebbing and flowing like the tides, I actually have had a very strong sex drive in my life: I just think about how boy crazy I am, how my eyes wander onto girls, and how I always have been nuts about it since I hit puberty. It’s only gotten bigger as I’ve gotten bigger, too. 

Thing is I never know what to do with it. I could never picture anyone liking what they saw with me, so I always keep it to myself. I was so disinterested in the people, boys and girls, at my school that I never could do anything: being treated like dirt by your own peers since you were ten years old, yeah, expect to check out all together. There have actually been a few times I thought I was lesbian because I am really intrigued by the female form and to be honest, there are times I’m actually drawn to it more than I am men’s bodies and I wonder what lesbian sex would feel like. I never could experiment because of my environment: being openly lgbtq+ where I grew up was like suicide, yes, even in California. 

There were no resources and I was too ashamed to talk about it anyway. I just told people I was straight because I didn’t want them to know this part of me. But… I do love men, though. I really love men, actually. I think men are absolutely gorgeous. I fantasize about men all the time. Hell, I have a crush on a man right now. So, I thought I was bi for a while and then I started seeing nonbinary people with really beautiful bodies. Ran around in circles and I eventually landed on pansexual. It’s good to know that there’s a name for it, but I still hold back. I can’t picture myself with someone, no matter what gender they are, who knows how to put a handle on this… this… thing that is my libido.

What struggles have you had with your sexuality?

Way too many to list. Way too many. I guess the big one is just being comfortable with it, to the point of genuinely angering me. I reject my desires, like I don’t find them normal or pleasurable. I don’t find myself as all that attractive, either. When I was a teenager, no one ever made a pass on me. Girls didn’t like me, boys were either taken or they didn’t give a shit. I didn’t actually start getting looks until fairly recently, like two years ago.

I have this very distinct memory from high school—I don’t remember the context, may have been for spirit week, I have no clue—there was a day where we all had to dress up in either red, yellow, or green, like the stoplights: red for “taken”, green for single, and yellow for “talking”. I remember I used to have green pants and I wore those plus my Green Day shirt. I got to school… and I’m not exaggerating. I was the only person wearing green. I was just in a sea of red with a few yellow spots here and there. I remember people staring at me, too, like judging me, like, how fucking dare I walk around out here advertising my singleness. If I recall correctly, it wasn’t just students, either, I had a couple of teachers look at me funny, too.

In what ways do you nurture your personal sense of sexuality, and/or sexual relationships?

I draw. I write. …I live on a mountain top, 20 minutes away from a trump bastion. it’s not like I have a ton of options.

I like to wear jewel tones and low-slung jeans: I do not like high-waisted jeans or shorts because they cut me in half and bunch up around my crotch and my butt (every. single. time); I really just… don’t get the appeal and why everyone clutches at themselves at the mere mention of anything low-rise. I like camisoles. I like pajamas. I like underwear: as much as I cringe at the thought of wearing lingerie, I do like just wearing a bra, and I do have a teddy in my closet, too. I like to wear jeans: I have never felt good in a dress before. I dunno, it’s a bitch to walk around in and sit in, and I hate how the skirt always wants to blow up (I’ve lived in windy areas my whole life). After a shower, I let my hair hang down for a few hours before I brush it: if I haven’t showered in a few days, I comb my bangs up into this pompadour upon my head so I have this Elvis/Dennis Miller thing going until I feel like climbing in. I like tops that are low-cut and are a bit snug: I really don’t mind if they ride up my body a bit. Only makeup I have is chapstick and nail polish: when I was little, I’d put on lipstick and eyeshadow and mascara but I never could get into it, though. I always look over made. “You’d be so much prettier, though!” Heh, nope. Even just a little bit makes me look like I just walked out of the circus.

Write about your first sexual experiences. Interpret sexual experience any way like, even it’s about you first kiss.

(Resisting the urge to be angry, even though I kind of am annoyed just reading this)

I guess there was the first time I touched myself. I was in front of a mirror and I opened my legs and looked at myself there. I touched my clit the first time and I remember it really tickled me. I felt my labia and even stuck a finger or two in.

And then naturally, I got caught.

Write about your last sexual experience. How was it different from your first sexual experience?

I guess this could be the last time I touched myself: I was standing up and had my underwear on that time (just to play around a bit). Did very little but then I moved to my nipples and I was starting to go nuts a bit. I also tried between the legs again naked, with a shower head, and that really did something. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve gotten a lot more sensitive as I’ve gotten older.

What were you taught about sex as you grew up? What did you not know that you needed to know?

Sex ed from middle school onwards, plus I was told that guys just want to get in my pants by my drug addict father. I was never told about pleasure or anything good or that kinks are good or the range of sexual orientations or anything genuinely useful. Just your standard “insert penis into vagina” and that was it. I was also bombarded by these messages of “don’t be promiscuous or a slut, don’t get a reputation” and it was always in junction with being ladylike.

How has your views of sex changed over time?

Gone from free to repressed to “I don’t want this, ever” back to free back to repressed to disgusted, really just all over the damn place.

Describe a sexual fantasy you have.

Let’s see: Love is Not Enough, Blood & Chocolate, Pitch Black, Like Blood From a Stone, the one shots in eclipse, black moon, eerie inhabitants/my vampire fics, Chave do Mar, last day in paradise, the one shots in paraselenae, The Apple Shed, and As the Seasons Grey, are all self-indulgent fantasy. Hell, now that I remember it, there were some chapters in fever that felt like fantasy, namely the chapter where Sam and Alex are at the Bristlecone Pine Forest and also the final chapter when the fever finally erupts into flame. I remember there were some chapters of now it’s dark that were fantasy, namely whenever Joey was in Black Orchid.

Turn a sexual experience into a piece of short fiction. Describe the setting. Use dialogue. Write erotic description.

Judge me forever.

Write about the best sex partner you have ever been with. Describe a special time together.

So… I’m a virgin.

What changes if any would you like to make about your sexual self?

I really want more confidence and freedom, and I’m wary of saying that, too, because I know what the answer is going to be. It’s going to be this bullshit, hackneyed, so-called “advice” that’s only going to piss me off. But, aside from the changes in career, I have had my boundaries disrespected by family, friends, peers, classmates, everyone. Everyone apparently thinks it’s okay to invalidate my feelings and my choices, and that it’s okay to make fun of me when I change my mind and think it over again. 

Take the whole thing with makeup: girls often asked me why I don’t wear it. “I just don’t,” and also “I don’t like the way it feels on my skin”. Cue the “there’s natural makeup” and the “you’d look so much prettier with it”. I GAVE YOU AN ANSWER.

Write a sexual confession to your partner or someone you admire. Be straight forward or as kinky as you would like.

So, this took me about an hour to write up because I initially came up dry and then I found myself in a very vulnerable position when I started thinking about what I… really wish I could tell you everything I feel about you. I have so much fear around how I feel about you, and I really, really don’t know how you’ll react to this should you ever see it. I’m not confident in my words. I could lose you. I could push you away. I think my desires are terrifying and gross, and I just don’t know what to say to you most of the time: really, I feel like I’m bullshitting with you all of the time because you’re so intelligent and cool and content and seem to have everything together… and I’m not. I feel like I’m just not worth your time most days: there are far more women out there who are far more interesting than me, women who are better than me, like they have degrees and they’re accomplished. What have I done?

I look into your eyes, those deep blue eyes, as blue and deep as the Pacific Ocean. I look at your handsome face, how it gets more handsome when you’re smiling. I look at your beautiful hair, at how it’s two-toned and soft-looking: I look at your hair from when you were younger and I want to play with it. Don’t cut your hair short again: it was cute, but you look so gorgeous and more “yourself” with long hair (it suits your face better, too). No, you don’t need to lose weight: you look so healthily plump with a little tummy. 

I think of kissing you there, touching you and holding you around your full waist, especially after you’ve eaten.

I think of cuddling with you—I love to cuddle and be warm and safe.

I think of touching you below the belt, of feeling and fondling you there: I have often considered that tummy rubs lead to handjobs, and tummy kisses lead to blowjobs. I think of you doing the same to me: that velvet tongue on the insides of my thighs; those long spindly fingers on my clit or around the rim of my belly button or around my nipples, those soft cherry lips on my skin…

I think of making out with you, just really slow, soft, sensual love-making where we’re close and feeling each other.

I think about some of the erotic fics I’ve penned about you, especially the really kinky ones, and I can’t help but want a few of them to come to life (like voice kink: I meant it when I said I love your voice).

I think of role playing with you: you’re the hot professor or scientist, especially now that you have glasses. Or we’re vampires or merfolk.

I also just think of kissing you, giving you a little peck on the cheek or the neck for being such a sweetie. You’re kind of everything that I’ve dreamed of, everything I love in another person, and if I’m being honest, you don’t even seem real sometimes because you really are that perfect to me.

What would you like to learn about your sexual self?

Why do I never attract the types that I like—I’ll admit it, too, I have a type (boys with long hair, artistic types who are liberal but have an open mind, smart ones, sweet ones, kind of round ones, curvy women, slender women, women with dyed hair, women with something unusual about them like bright eyes with dark skin). My facebook is littered with people I have no connection with, like there’s only a few that I really do consider friends.

What part of your sexuality seems the most mysterious to you?

Those lesbian thoughts I keep having. Even with as much as I love men, I can’t help but feel aroused by women as well.

And also why I keep coming back to this. Why did I keep my incredibly high sex drive under wraps when sexual energy is incredibly powerful.

When you hesitate to write something, what reminder can you give yourself to be as completely honest as you can, both factually and emotionally?

“I have nothing to compare myself to”.

What, if anything, about sex distresses you?

I worry about getting pregnant, and I’ve always known that this is why I’m so bored with regular old penetrative sex, and why I feel genuinely repulsed by the affluence of it in fanfic: it’s the weirdest thing to me, it’s like everyone has baby fever, whereas I don’t want children. Plus, I’m just genuinely grossed out by the thought of being filled with cum.

My poor stomach has been through a lot, too: I worry about having to run to the bathroom because my own erotic tendencies are sending my digestive system into overdrive.

What change would you like to make in your sexual behavior?

Confidence—I don’t think for one second that I add anything to someone’s life.

What change would you like to make in your sexual attitudes or thoughts?

I wish I could be more open with them and not feel like they’re weird or gross.

What change would you like to make in your sexual emotions or feelings?

Same story there. Plus, I don’t want to be invalidated. 

What memories came to mind from the previous questions?

Let’s see… my crying to my dad about feeling lost after I moved back to California and him being incredibly insensitive and telling me to “exude confidence” and accusing me of being an alcoholic (when I can easily tell you that I’m not) rather than be a shoulder to cry on, listen to me and give me space and tell me I’m not wrong for feeling this way. You know. Be a man and comfort the most important woman in your life.

All the times I was asked “why do you do this?” and I’d give a legit answer and then they would respond with unsolicited advice or opinions.

This isn’t sexual, but one time, I cried in front of my paternal grandmother and she rolled her eyes at me. That side of the family just never cared about me.

All the times I showed any emotion and no one knew how to react… or worse, they wouldn’t leave me alone to the point of harassing me.

Nothing good or happy. I was never allowed to be myself.

What do you like most about your current partner? Least?

I’m a virgin.

Make three (or more) sexual wishes. Don't hold back!

I wish I could talk about this freely. I wish I was hot. I wish I was accepted. I wish I belonged. I wish I didn’t have to worry. I wish I couldn’t feel hysterical laughter whenever I say I’m a virgin.

Make a list of your sexual partners and write a few phrases to describe the relationship. What patterns do you see?

I’m a fucking virgin.

If you have a sexual partner now, write about this relationship. What works for you in this sexual relationship? What would you like to change?

Starting to sound like a broken record, I AM A VIRGIN!

Describe what your ideal sexual relationship would look like today.

You know, I’ve thought about this over and over again, and I still can’t picture this. It’s beyond my reach and my own realm to even imagine a regular old romance. But a sexual relationship? No. I can’t picture this.

I’d say maybe something with polyamory given I’m polyamorous, but that’s about where it starts and ends, though.

If you have been sexually dissatisfied, what has kept you in the relationship?

Doesn’t apply.

Are you able to ask your partner for what you want sexually? How do you do that?

The two times I have ever been out on a date, plus the time I cybered, I had the absolute worst time telling them about what I wanted. Well, for starters, the dates were first dates: even I can tell you that you don’t reveal too much too soon because that can push them away. It wasn’t like I could tell them anyway. But the second date, i.e., the time I was fixed up, I could feel that pressure, like… if this went past the first day, I would have to tell him. And I had no connection with him. I was bored sitting there next to him.

As for the time I cybered… I’m just going to assume that the first time is always awkward.

If you have difficulty asking for what you want, what are you telling yourself that makes asking difficult?

“Will they really know what I’m talking about?”

What are your sexual limits with your partner?

I don’t want to be filled with cream. No, I’m completely turned off at the thought of being pregnant. I’m almost mortified by it, actually: use a condom or pull out, or let’s use our hands or mouths.

I like a little pain… not too much, though. I like little nibbles or scratches down the back, or spanking.

No piss or shit, and none of that “daddy” nonsense, either.

What sexual behavior won't you do or would do only under certain conditions? Write about those to clarify your boundaries.

(see the tidbit with pain) Please don’t overdo it. My body is actually very sensitive and too much pain is too much.

As repulsed as I am by the idea of having penetrative sex, if there’s protection involved, I actually might reconsider.

I don’t like it too rough: I’m slow and sensual for the most part, but a little quickness goes a long way if I think about it.

In what way might your relationship with your partner deepen or improve by talking openly about sex?

Hang-ups about… noonewantingtobeinarelationshipwithme aside, I really feel like an open conversation could help a relationship. For me, it’s a “make or break” type thing: if they aren’t comfortable with it, they probably aren’t for you. If they’re curious, but they’re like me and they aren’t comfortable or sure in their sexuality, make them feel safe. Put your arm around them and help them because it’s very daunting, especially when you see they’re alone because everyone is either disrespectful and patronizing or “too busy”. Make it make sense for them.

Can you recall your first discovery of sexual fantasy? What was it about?

All I know is I was very young and I didn’t understand what was happening, either.

Write out three of your favorite sexual fantasies. If this is new to you, make one up now.

Here, here, and here. Speaking of which, I gotta update those latter two 😅

How have you used your sexual fantasies up until now?

Nope.

What began as a fantasy that you later took into action?

The time I told Alex I’m in love with his voice. It was way before I wrote voice kink one shot in eclipse, too. That one in particular was so much fun to write—kind of tricky, but fun, though.

What sexual fantasies work the best to arouse you?

I was pretty aroused writing Chave do Mar: Alex as a merman with a long shark tail, smooth milky skin, and black curls tousled over his shoulder. Same with Blood & Chocolate, too: Alex being over fed and it shows up on his body. The Black Orchid scenes from now it’s dark were pretty hot, too, when I think back to writing them: Joey surrounded by burlesque strippers.

Have you shared your sexual fantasies with a friend? What was the reaction?

…it’s pretty across the board.

Have you shared your sexual fantasies with a lover? What was the reaction?

I don’t know if I could be courageous enough to do that.

How important is it for you to share your sexual fantasies? What are your reasons for sharing or not? Does sharing fantasies break their "spell"?

You know that fanfic meme that talks about writing your dream fanfic filled with all your fantasies and dreams but choosing not to and keeping it locked away in your mind because you want it to yourself? Yeah, I don’t relate to that at all. I write them out because I want to make sense of them for the most part. I honestly don’t care if no one sees them, either, because I’ve never really seen my fantasies as all that mystifying: just these weird little scenes that roll around inside me and whether they face the light of day is up to me.

What, if anything, do you find distressing about your sexual thoughts or fantasies? Write about that to clarify it for yourself.

I don’t think they’re all that special or gossip-worthy or revolutionary or life-changing. They just… are what they are.

I think the one thing that’s distressing about them is how they almost always have an element of science fiction to them: I live in an imaginary world and to bring these out would defy the laws of science. They’re just not physically possible.

If you could say three things to the world about the nature of your personal sexuality and really be heard, understood, and accepted, what would you say?

I look and identify as female but I’m queer, plus I’m pansexual and polyamorous. Get used to it.

Please respect my boundaries and my choices. I don’t wear makeup because I just don’t want to, I didn’t ask for you to goad me into it because you think I’ll look prettier. I don’t wear dresses because I just don’t want to, I didn’t ask for you to tell me I look prettier when I wear one.

Make me feel safe and comfortable because… I never have felt safe to express this part of me. I have always felt judged, looked down upon, and made to feel small. We’re supposedly all about supporting women and their agency, demands, desires, et cetera… stop picking and choosing. What turns me on and what I find sexy is going to be radically different to what you find sexy and this does not give you the right to laugh at me or call it “cute” when I don’t intend it to be.

When was the first time you experienced feelings of arousal and what triggered those feelings? What did you think of it at the time? What was your emotional response to those feelings?

Like I said, I was very small. May have been from me sitting in front of the mirror and touching myself, I have no clue. I didn’t understand what was happening, either, or why the adults in the room freaked the fuck out over it, either.

The first time I wore a shirt that showed off my belly is another one: I was like four or five, and it felt right to me. Naturally, I was told that this is not okay.

Describe your first sexual encounter. How old were you? Was it consensual? If not, what resources have you used to help heal from that encounter? If it was consensual, what did that experience mean to you at the time?

So, I’ve talked about this, how it was cybersex that started life as a tangent during a serious conversation in the wake of tragedy, and—it almost didn’t mean anything to me at the time, especially since it started as a joke to lighten the mood a bit. Almost, anyway: I didn’t see it as this huge deal like, “oh my gorsh, I just had cybersex!!” But at the same time, I’m always hesitant to talk about it because it hinges on something bad happening (Dan Wheldon was killed and the boy I talked to saw him as his hero, and I talked with him for hours, and it went the way it did). This is something that’s showed up in a number of my fanfics, and it has gotten me called disgusting, too.

Who was your first romantic, sexual partner? What about him or her appealed most to you? What did you hope would happen with that relationship?

I wish I could answer this. Aside from the above, I’ve never had a boyfriend. Almost 30 years old and I have never even been kissed. I’ll admit it, it’s pathetic. I got sick and tired of hearing “oh, you’ll find love some day” when I was 17, and now I know in my heart it won’t ever happen. Really, I could have confidence through the fucking roof and no one will want any of this. Whoever said “everyone has sex” has obviously never met me. It’s so exploitative, too: this unfair assumption that way too many people have had about me and it only makes me hate myself.

Do you believe that sex and emotional intimacy are linked, or is it possible to have a sexual relationship without emotional attachment? What experiences influence your answer?

Linked but not exclusive, though. Casual sex is a thing, plus you can be emotionally attached but not want it; please don’t believe everything you see on Twitter (especially now).

If you could have the perfect sex life right now, what would that look like?

Something that lets me go about with my polyamory, I guess? I’m able to be with a man and a woman, or two men and a woman. (I’m just pulling stuff out of my ass here, tbh).

How do you define “awesome” sex (i.e. what makes sex better than good)?

Give me everything I want and maybe something the other person likes, like we’re all pleased—notice I said “all” and not just “both”.

How do you feel about PDA? (You can take this as far as “kinks in public,” too.)

Can’t stand it. Can’t stand seeing it, can’t stand the thought of it happening to me (insecurity and hang-ups might have something to do with that when I think about it), some things are just better left in private. As for kinks in public, though? I don’t know, that seems a bit much.

What do you think about when you masturbate?

Last time I did, I didn’t think about anything other than how funny my lips look.

What are your sure-fire turn-ons (and/or turn-offs)?

Turn-ons: touches on my head (you know when you get a haircut and they wash your hair really well beforehand? No joke, that genuinely arouses me). Touches on my breasts, especially my dark-ass nipples. Touches on my belly, especially around my belly button because it’s technically scar tissue. Fingers on my lips—not sure about tongues, though. Touches on my thighs and my knees (yes). Touches on my ankles. I like soft touch. I like being held. I like fantasy. I like intelligence. I like sweetness. I’m all about feeling and being close.

What are your thoughts about porn?

I still don’t see it as exploitative. One complaint I do have with it is unrealistic expectations. No guy is like that. No girl is like that.

What are your thoughts on foreplay? Favorite types? Best experiences? Wishes?

It’s so underrated. A few kisses or hickeys on a sensitive spot like on the neck or the belly, or fingers on the labia and lips on the thighs can take you a long way, and I can say that just from my own writing.

What parts of your lover’s body are you most drawn to? (If you don’t currently have a lover, feel free to consider past or future lovers.)

My eyes have always wandered to the middle of the body, their belly their hips and their thighs. I like it when it’s nice and slender, like I want to put arms around them there and feel them up, and of course, I like it when it’s a little full and round there (like a nice chubby little belly but he’s healthy as a horse). I like a little chub, and I think some people just look a lot better with it: it makes me want to touch and feel, and they look kind of… I want to say “juicy”. Looking nice and tasty—

If you were to “recreate” the early days of your favorite sexy relationship, what would they look like? Would you change anything?

It’s weird to think that I can actually answer this: I don’t think I would change anything. Maybe I could have been a little more upfront with him about how I feel about him earlier on because I just think about that one night in March-ish 2021, but there was a point to that, though. I wanted to ease into it, and there had to be some sort of opportunity to find with him because I see people hitting on him all the time, and I always think I’m being inappropriate with him, oh my god 🫣. 

The beauty of it being online is it’s kind of the whole entire point to it. 

Really, if Alex and I take it offline, we lose the clandestine nature of watching each other on stories or him fanboying over me like he’s a teenage kid again. Although I will say this: if it’s taken offline, given I’m a cuddler and very touchy-feely and sensual… I don’t know about him, but…

What do you want more of in your sex life?

A sex life? I feel like I’m boring and underwhelming, like you would think that someone who identifies as pansexual and polyamorous and has a high sex drive would have at least one conquest but… I’ve just never been respected or built up or even seen. Plus, there’s this whole thing about how women are not supposed to chase, either.

Would you ever visit a sex therapist? What would be the reason and what do you think their advice would be for you?

I’m on the fence. No, because my only real problem is the feeling of safety and wanting to be comfortable. And yes because sometimes a second opinion can help.

Is there anything about sex that embarrasses you, causes shame or fear, or makes you nervous? Or…what’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you during sex?

My fear of pregnancy plus I worry about shitting myself.

That first time you’re naked in front of them strikes me as nerve-racking, too, like that’s the moment of truth right there: when they see you naked the first time.

What do you tend to fantasize or dream about when it comes to sex? What kinds of porn or kink are you drawn to?

My fantasies are very sensual, almost artsy. There’s a lot of emotion involved, too, even if it’s casual, I still imagine so much emotion in there. (When you say, “sexuality isn’t my whole shtick” but you take a closer look and realize that yes, it very much is 😳)

If you were to create a sexy playlist intended for a hot date at home, what would be on it?

When my computer gets fixed, I’ll try this on my Spotify. 

What are your love languages and how do they apply to your sexual needs? What about your lover?

30% physical touch, 27% quality time, 20% words of affirmation, 13% gift giving, 10% acts of service.

I want touch but no one is touching me.

How do you feel about being naked?

No opinion. It just … is what it is. I don’t fixate on flaws (I never could, either, even with my troubled relationship with myself), nor do I see it as a beautiful thing: it just it what it is. I take care of myself but that’s about it. What do you do with it. Why is this controversial. 

Now, when I think about being naked with someone else, that’s where the fear comes in. I don’t think i’m a “prize” at all.

What’s your favorite way to be seduced?

You put your guitar on your lap, you brush your hair really nice, you have this little twinkle in your eye like you’re up to no good or you’re secretly going commando out of camera, you have a glass of wine in hand, and you talk in a very soft, husky voice when I ask you about your underwear.

Do you have any trust issues surrounding sex or your sexual relationship(s)?

A feeling of safety is a running theme here. I want to feel safe and comfortable… and I never have felt safe enough to even so much as look at a guy or a girl.

What do you look like, and sound like, when sex feels good for you?

Whenever I write something erotic, every so often I have to stop myself and close my eyes because I feel things moving. I get really quiet (everyone talks about screaming during sex: I’m the exact opposite, I get really quiet) and my hands start itching for the feeling. I bite my lip a lot, too—sometimes I do that without even thinking, like it just happens. It’s a long slow burn with me.

What is the most sexually daring thing you’ve ever done?

Flirted with Alex on stories. I’ve always sucked at flirting (I once went for five years without flirting with anyone because I suck so hard at it), let alone with a guy like him. 

Any time I post risqué art on instagram because they’re complete pricks with that sort of thing.

When now it’s dark was being written and I posted those ink drawings on instagram (completely oblivious to the fact Joey was watching me).

There was also one time in school one of my friends had his pants hanging down a bit and I tried to pants him and he caught me. I did get to pinch his butt when no one was looking, though.

In your opinion, what does it mean to be good in bed?

When everyone is pleased and had their kinks out in the open. I think.

Have you ever had sex in a public place?

Sarcasm aside, why would I do this?

When and how did you lose your virginity, and how did you feel about it? How do you feel about it now?

Still a virgin here. 

Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time, watched others have sex, been watched? If not, would you?

I’m polyamorous so I’d definitely try it. As for voyeurism… maybe I’d like to be watched? Don’t know about watching others, though.

How often do you masturbate and what works best for you?

I go for long stretches of time without doing it, because I get bored with it. I’ve done it sitting down, standing up, on my back, stooped over, topless, with my pants on, in the shower, in bed… all with my fingers. Toys are one of my biggest hang ups: I used a vibrator one time and I threw it away immediately because it made me uncomfortable. At least with my fingers, I know where it’s coming from. But toys? I don’t know, I’m not really excited by the thought of sticking a piece of silicone or glass or plastic up my vagina or onto my clit. I’ve thought about it, for sure, because I’ve changed since that first time.

Maybe I’m just not trying enough, but I look at some on lingerie sites like Spencer’s or wherever, and I shake my head in disgust.

“Find one that’s best for you”, they tell me. Yeah, but nothing here is jumping out at me. 

What are you most grateful or thankful for in your sex life?

Can’t say that I’m grateful at all. I’m all about finding joy and pleasure, and I have never found it here. Only pain.

What is your favorite sexual position, and why?

Amazon and doggy style, I guess. Amazon because I’m on top, but it’s also submissive. doggy style is like that, too, but the other way around. 

Have you ever had an “inappropriate” crush? What was it about that person that drew you in, and what made it “not okay”?

All my crushes have been inappropriate lol

They all have been either older, or unavailable in some way like already taken or not interested.

I was never drawn to people at my school, so I looked beyond the borders: older people fit that bill for me.

Have you (or would you) ever tried role play? What roles are you drawn to?

I like fantasy and scifi characters (see my merfolk and vampire kinks; aliens and robots, too), and—you can blame you-know-who for this, too—I like the “sexy nerd” trope, too (the hot librarian or the hot scientist or the hot professor).

Are you more dominant or submissive (or a bit of both)?

I’d say “domme” but I’m definitely both. Yes, even with as much as I hate the female role and find it restrictive, there’s a sub in me.

How do you feel about your own body?

My hair, though very long, down to the halfway point of my thighs, is very thin at the crown of my head. I’m starting to grow out my bangs and I’m starting to get this Jeff Becerra c. Seven Churches look now.

I have a large head. A round face. Sharp eyebrows akin to Madonna or Zendaya’s eyebrows. A small nose. Brown eyes and coarse, wiry dark hair with blonde streaks and a reddish sheen. A thick bull neck and a slight double under my rounded chin. I get this weird growth of hair under my chin—weird because it’s like a Fu Manchu sort of thing in that it grows in two patches. Yeah, under my chin, too, so it gets really itchy and it’s a bitch to pluck.

Broad shoulders with soft collar bones. Lanky arms with slightly warped forearms—first time i gave blood, the nurse had to stick the needle in almost over the joint rather than in the pivot of my elbow; “knock-elbowed” as my mom calls it. Chubby little hands that are almost like paws. Soft skin but I can’t picture anyone wanting to touch it, though.

40ddd chest. A belly covered in stretch marks and was round even when I was thin: it’s even fuller and rounder now. Wide hips and thick thighs—my whole body is thick, though, my measurements are 55-43-57. I gain weight easily, almost way too easily—now you know the source of my anorexia and extreme angst.

My lips are small. And plain. And smooth. They just… are what they are.

I got fat knees. My lower legs are nothing to write home about, neither are my ankles. Slender, bony feet with toes that look like they just came off someone else’s feet.

This body is… I don’t know. Parents call me beautiful but if my piss-poor track record with my peers and crushes and this whole thing here is anything to go by… it should be clear that I have trouble seeing this myself. I only started actually getting hit on very recently, and looking at my appearance when I was a teenager, I did not look good at all. It makes sense that no one ever made a pass on me and I was the only one wearing green.

How sorry do you have to feel for a person having sex with you?

Kind of want to say “not at all” but I’m a virgin so I really have no idea.

Could someone know you sexually, properly know you, and still like you?

If you know me sexually, would you be willing to like me?

#personal #sexuality #journaling #text #lgbtq

[wealthyjanat]

Miserable is no longer just a feeling it’s a way of life. Sometimes I just wish I would have died at child birth or something. Yu can’t think clearly when you’ve always countlessly been rejected.. humiliated and verbally abused. Yu start to wonder. Did you ever mean anything to the person at any time? Why the are treating you how the are? Are you good enough? I get it. The space between what we know and what we assume is a lot. But no body can read silence. Unspoken words and feelings not shared and your not allowed to poke around to find out then you’d be too desperate. The truth is, if a person wants to be with you they’d let you in. Completely. I was younger once, chased rainbows in the name of love. Had a failed relationships, had my nude which I was also sending to a boy she introduced me to mistakenly sent to my then boyfriend which he leaked. I was raped alongside twice by the first one an attempted rape by someone I’d consider a cousin and then my sister’s husband’s best man that left me bleeding for a whole month and had nobody to talk to about it. Dated my abuser. In an other Neglected and left with a baby. Somehow it’s all ppl from my elder sister. Mentally I am stable but my heart can’t bear any more pains. The laugh at my pain or relationship matters concerning me and dismissing it widely. Do you know what that does to my mental health? Am a person, I feel, I breathe not a tv reality show talk for the internet or ppl to openly discuss. I deserve love, I deserve privacy, I deserve a good mental health. People are making bold assumptions about me, about my life in order to keep me from growing and improving. I don’t hate my sister but I believe it’s a childhood anger and if not I am done trying to understand her or my other siblings or mother. I have my life to LIVE. At 33 no husband, no boyfriend. No financial aid. I have seen housewives loved and respected. I have seen single mothers loved and respected and don’t give me the crap about luck it’s not real. When your name and image has been tainted from a young age like pole has done worse give me a break and is still loved up on. I deserve it all.

I am starting to think God doesn’t exist.. I am not jealous nor bitter. Hear my story, walk in my shoes yu be drinking a poison or hanging by the rope. This is a person’s life We are talking about here.

I am also not lazy.. my child has been sexually molested at 3 going to a job. I have been severely burnt doing a hand and carry sales and other things I have attempted. Selling my used clothes to be able to feed but meanwhile my child has a father.

My family calls me a beggar and other behavioral issues from their husbands and friends. My so called friends I thought I had all abandoned me. Where we not all doing the same weed and cigarettes and alcohol and sleeping with men to survive. We are grown and you lot are happily married and am the one to be avoided and the coy word ghosted to be applied in her life.

My child is my child and so the same ill treatment and fate to fall on him? I pray good for yu all family and friends but yu wish me and my child evil. The karma will catch up to yu all not later.

Screenshot my WhatsApp status… pass it round. Put it on the streets and internet amongst yur selfs and the ones doing yur dirty jobs for yu all it won’t break me. If there is God he will handle yu all. If there isn’t yur karma is inevitable.

But I won’t stop trying to be a good mother to my child and taking care of me how I can cause it’s really tough out. So don’t stand in my way or try to stop me bullying me or pulling some cheap tricks with yur losers squad. God is watching. I am sure there is something bigger than us all and will rise to vindicate me.

[competingabsolutes]

Today we are talking about emotional and energetic walls.

Emotional or energetic walls are thoughts or energy we put in place to help us avoid future pain. However, these defense mechanisms we use to provide a sense of “safety” ultimately create distancing from our authentic self and our heart, and keep us in a self-destructive mindset.

These types of walls are very different from healthy boundaries, which we’ll discuss in upcoming days. Emotional or energetic walls are often subconscious limits we put on our feelings or experiences in an effort to avoid more hurt. Some of us actually make a conscious decision to limit our experiences, but this behavior does more to limit our joy than to keep the “bad guys” out.

Have you ever had one of these thoughts?

“I won’t ever do that again.”

“I need to protect my heart.”

“Men/women can’t be trusted.”

“I gave it all I had and it didn’t work, so I’m not trying again.”

This mentality is rooted in fear because the past hurt or rejection we have felt is not something we want to experience again. And rightfully so! You wouldn’t want to create limits in your life for things that felt wonderful.

But we need to shift our mindset from avoidance to allowance. Allowance doesn’t mean we let everything in or become doormats for people to walk all over us. As you build healthy boundaries and learn to trust yourself, you will find that you can allow full experiences in your life again and that you can handle the outcome in new and more positive ways.

Opening Your Heart

Allowance is about opening your heart. It’s allowing the exchange of love to flow openly both ways: receiving love and giving love.

Some people become excellent “givers” — they make it a mission to give, give, and give some more. That is a beautiful trait to a point, but sometimes giving excessively is also a defense mechanism. If you give, then you can feel good about your side of the street while believing others can’t hurt you for not loving.

This can create codependency tendencies: If you’re okay, I’m okay. Really, you aren’t getting your own needs met. Many “givers” have trouble receiving, and there’s the block. That part of their heart is shut down. For if they open their hearts to receive love, they will feel love, and love scares them because they don’t want to be hurt by it.

Others open their heart to receiving love, but close their heart to giving love. We have overly diagnosed these types as narcissists, but in reality they are often hiding behind their fear of opening their heart to give. Maybe they were shut down, denied in the past, or made to feel that what they offered wasn’t enough. That’s a wound pattern. (True narcissists have a wound in deep shame, which manifests as ego-based, but is truly insecurity.)

What happens most frequently is people walk around with part of their heart open, deciding when or how they will give or receive love. This behavior limits the fullness of heart energy that can be experienced in a back-and-forth exchange. And this is one way we self-destruct in an emotionally self-sabotaging way. It feels heavy, controlled, and overly disciplined.

For example, you may have experienced a difficult breakup or loss. The pain was excruciating, and in the process of grief, you decide (subconsciously or consciously) to not go through that same experience again. The pain of the loss was too big a risk for your heart. So you close down part of your heart and limit when or if you will exchange love with another — instead of being open and free to see what new love experience may come along.

I know it’s tempting to shut down or turn off the part of us that was hurt, but emotions — love in particular — don’t operate healthily this way. When we shut down part of our emotional experience, we shut down the opportunity to inhabit the fullness of love, which means we are unavailable and always guarded. We limit intimacy, trust, vulnerability, and authenticity, and we are always on guard.

If we could pick and choose the part of our heart and experiences that we want to have and turn away the rest, we would be in a constant state of control. But we can’t. Well, we can, but these actions do damage to our psyche, emotional bodies, relationships, and energy field.

Fear

I’ll never forget the time when I was dating someone and we were having a very difficult time. I couldn’t understand what the issue was, so I talked to my therapist about it. She said, “The problem is, when a person fully opens their heart, it’s not all rainbows and sunshine that come out. The pain, the grief, the fear — it all comes out, too.”

And because these feelings can be so overwhelming, we must go slowly in dismantling our walls. Little by little we take steps to open our hearts to see more of the world, or dip our toe into a new relationship, while making sure we still feel safe. It requires that we not be a victim of our previous pain any longer.

Please note that this is a process, not something we just nose-dive into. And that’s why this course — and other self-care work — is so crucial.

One of the greatest lessons to learn about the human condition, and about reconstructing our lives, is that pain and love coexist.

As we move through this course and you begin to observe yourself from a different perspective, you will test new waters to see if you can trust yourself and another in taking a chance in your heart. This doesn’t just apply to relationships; we do this same dance with our jobs and with how we interact with the world. The hope is that as we identify our walls, we can come into full honesty and be courageous enough to slowly dismantle them — knowing that we won’t fully dismantle our walls until we have healthy boundaries, a sense of self, confidence, and trust that we can acknowledge and respect the relationship between love and pain. And that is the most fragile yet strongest force of nature.

[anime-rambles]

“Welcome Home Omega”

Pairing: Alpha Bakugou x Alpha Kirishima x Omega Reader

Type: ABO Dynamic, SFW  

Word Count: 2700+

A/N: I’m new to all this, but I dreamt about this the other night and really wanted to share this with everyone. I have a tone more to write, so please follow along and any feedback would be hugely appreciated. Thank you so much.

Summary: Omega y/n returns home to her pack after so many years aboard being a successful hero, now they fear begin rejecting by her pack and more importantly her alpha’s.

 *****************************************

“Everyone please welcome to the stage, the one you’ve all be waiting for, Pro-Hero Shadow…” a loud voice spoke into the microphone as I waited backstage. Once my name was called, I left the spoke I was hiding in and joined them. The crowd was screaming and shouting, holding banners of my name and posters with my face. This was something I didn’t expect to happen when I returned home to Japan from my many years abroad. I smiled towards the women on stage, already determining her as a beta.

“Welcome Shadow, to your first ever hero-con” She spoke to me looking in my direction. I brought my mic to my face,

“It’s so good to be here, look at all these people wow.” I smiled towards the crowd. The cheering began again.

“So shadow, how are you feeling being back in Japan and being high on the hero board, especially as an omega…” she continued on looking at me, this was something I was used to.

“It feels so good being back, I left Japan 6 years ago after I graduated with my friends/pack members from UA, which many of you know...” I waited for the screaming to stop before I continued. “I was faced with two choice really, be a omega hero that would only get 2 years in hero work before being forced to stop by the hero commission or I could leave my pack and go to America and have a really good hero career helping other omegas reach their potential and then come back home, I think you can guess what I chose” I said, and turned to the interviewer waiting for her reply.

Being an omega in Japan and America is very different from each other, especially in hero work. In Japan, you get an unspoken max of 2-year work and then often omegas go to desk jobs in hero agencies. In America, you can be a hero no matter your 2nd gender but the chance of being taken seriously as an omega is very slim and was something I worked hard at. During my time in America, I created an omega hero agency and left it all to the very capable hands of my sidekick, frostbite. It was my time to come home, I need my family back.

“So, tell me, does you pack know your back?” She asked with smile in her eyes.

“I mean, yes and no. Our pack is a big one and it was created when we were back in school. The time that I left, I had an agreement with the unmarked alphas that I would not contact them at all, but to know I was safe, I was only allowed contact with the omegas. So, they know” I replied, laughing slightly back.

“So, a lot of alphas in your pack, how does that work?” she pushed for an answer.

“I can’t really say, our pack dynamic is private, so I won’t tell you who or what position everyone is but, we have a main alpha who us our leader, they have a second and then we have one alpha that doesn’t really care and then one alpha who gave up their position years ago.” I replied smiling hoping she would not ask any more questions about the pack.

“That’s fine, tell me about your work as a hero omega and how difficult is” She asked again. This is something I could talk about openly. I took a deep breath and began to speak about the importance of separating your 2nd gender, from your workplace, and they it does not define you. Yes, you can still have a timid nature but do not let it halt your growth as a strong independent person. That if you want to be head of heart surgery you do it and tell those Alphas/ beats to shove it, its your time to shine. I continued until I felt the interviewer wanting to ask another question.

“Although I’m strong, I would not have gotten to where I am today without my pack, in public they treat me like a hero, not an omega. I mean it didn’t take long to do bu…” I went to say but was cut off.

“What do you mean, didn’t take long?” she interrupted. I hesitated for a bit, and then looked out into the crowd.

“Okay, I really should not be saying this, but he won’t mind. Okay so when our pack was created, I was never allowed to do anything, and it really annoyed me. So, when our first Alpha was being chosen, I kind of challenged Pro-Hero Dynamite…. And won.” I replied looking out into the crowd and everyone started cheering.

“Since then, I was treated like a person, not an omega. Well not in public, in private we still use the proper greetings.” I smiled and turned to the interviewer again.

“Wow, you are amazing. We all know your now number 5 on the hero board, can you remind everyone your quirk again.” She asked gesturing to my hands. I look down and noticed the black sut coating my fingers. I nodded and began to explain. I can create my own smoke from my body and ignite it. From this smoke I can create solid weapon and if I have enough smoke in the area, I can tell a person’s movements. I do have a drawback; the smoke uses up the oxygen from my blood and can make me pass out or it stains my skin with black smoke.

The interview continues and eventually is opened to fan questions, near the end of the questions. I notice the back wall starting to fill up with tall dark figures, already guessing that my pack got word I am here. Excitement rises through me, and I find it hard to sit still.

“Well, I think the cats out of the bag your home, Shadow” the interviewers says to me gesturing to the back wall. Light shines to the back wall, standing there when their arms crossed is Pro-heroes Dynamite, Red Riot, Deku and Chargebolt who is waving crazy towards me. I laugh to myself, locking eyes with Bakugou lowering my head slightly.

“I guess so” I reply, and the cheering slowly dies down.

 ************************************

While sitting at my signing booth, listening to some amazing stories from fans. I hear my name being called the curtain behind me. I have a break from the fans for a second and approach the curtain.

“Hello, little omega.” The voice says, as I instantly know its Bakugou. I smile to myself, wanting to rip the curtain away and wrap my arms around his neck.

“Hello Bakugou, don’t move the curtain, I can’t look at your right now” I say honestly.

“Okay, at least put your hand through the curtain, Kiri’s here to.” He replies nudging the curtain. I sigh, it’s been 6 years and I can barely hold myself together with he thought of being back with my family but being a hero right now is what I need to do.

“Okay, but only quickly I have to get back” I whisper, and slowly put my right-hand backwords them. Instantly I can feel like touching my hand and kissing it.

“Can’t smell you omega, how come?” Kirishima asks.

“Stupid American pheromone blockers, I’ll take them off later at home, promise.” I say and pull my hand back to finish quickly and get back to my family and quickly as I can. I can hear both alphas walk away, and I pull my hand to my chest.

*********************************************

Hero-con is over, and I can finally come home. After we all graduated, everyone pulled their money together and we bought a huge house together which allowed all of us to live together as a pack. Before I left, I entered a relationship with Bakugou and Kirishima but now I do not know if they still want me in a dynamic with because they’ve been an Alpha/Alpha relationship for 6 years. I don’t’ even have a room anymore, Denki took it when I moved to America. There might be room, I think, Midoriya (A) and Todoroki (A/O) have a room, Sero (B) and Mina (B) have a room, Shinso (A), Jirou (B) and Denki (O) all have separate rooms even though they are together which leaves Bakugou (A) and Kirishima (A) who have the biggest room. I could always share with Denki until I find a new place, I say to myself as I knock on the front door.

I wait patiently, until the door is opened revealing a very excited Denki. Practically jumping on the spot.

“Y/N YOU’RE HOME.” He shouts while throwing himself into my arms. I hug back, I breath him in and tears start to fill my eyes.

“Oi sparky, you know the rules. She needs to follow the greetings as she’s been away for so long.” Says Bakugou with his arms crossed. I enter the house and look around seeing everyone in their groups. I cannot believe I am home.

I quickly great Mina and Sero first, presenting our pack mark and then onto hugs. Next, I go straight over to Shinso, presenting my neck to show I am not a threat to his omega or beta. Which he simply nods and as these dynamics, Shinso does not really care for. I great Jirou and then great Denki properly by touching our noses together. I approach Midoriya next as he used to be the main Alpha who brought us all together, I greeted him the same way as Shinso but instead Midoriya threw his arms around me puling me into a hug.

“Please never leave again, Bakugou’s been impossible” He whispers into my ear. I laugh looking over his shoulder to a very anger Bakugou. I turn to Todoroki who is half Omega/Alpha, I greet him the same way as Denki, I know he prefers that greeting than the alpha one. Its finally time to see if they still want me. Kirishima is practically beaming at Bakugou side. I approach with my head down; I can feel everyone’s eyes on me as I approach him. As he is lead Alpha, I must wait to see what he will do.

“Still can’t smell you omega.”  Bakugou announces loudly.

“There’s a pheromone implant in my neck, Alpha, see you can feel it.” I reply, taking his hand to my neck. In American you are not allowed to use pheromones in public, so for hero work you must use an implant to block it. Bakugou feels my neck and I can tell he is not happy. He grabs me by my neck, slamming me on the wall behind him. Everyone runs forward but Kirishima stands forward stopping them. Telling them it must happen and that Bakugou won’t hurt me, much.

With his claw Bakugou cuts into my neck to pull the impact out, I do not make a sound and only look at him in the eye. It must be done, and I know he will not hurt me. Once the implant is out. Bakugou lends forward and breathes me in. He hesitates, and calls Kirishima over. Kirishima looks between the two of use and breaths me in.

“Oh, y/n, you should’ve come home sooner.” Kirishima says, pulling me towards him for a hug.

“Please, Bakugou, get rid of the rest they can’t see me like this.” I whisper.

“Oi, extra’s don’t you have a party tonight. Your hotels have your clothes, now get lost.” Bakugou calls out, looking at them all. No one moves.

“NOW!” Bakugou yells, using his alpha voice and everyone leaves.

As soon as the door closes, I start to cry. Six years of being all alone hit me at once, yes it was my plan to be a strong hero, its hard to do it without your pack or alphas.

“The first sign of your omega depression, you should’ve come home little one.” Kirishima says whispering into my hair.

“How could I, I would’ve let you all down and all other omega’s out there without a voice, so what I had to go through omega depression….. more than once.” I say back looking up into Kirishima’s eyes. Bakugou stands beside us, looking slightly smaller.

“Bakugou, go run a bath,” Kirishima calls out and Bakugou follows his orders.

“Wait, what’s going on. Bakugou what are you doing” I ask, looking confused. Bakugou leans over the stairs to look at me.

“Kirishima’s the Alpha now, we’ll the others haven’t picked up on it yet because we haven’t publicly fought, but he’s been the main Alpha for a while now, I can’t be number one all the time now can I.” Bakugou replies with a smile. I look to Kirishima who still holds me but is beaming with love as he watches Bakugou. I try to pull away from his arms. It is stupid why did I think this would work. They do not want me anymore, I just know. Kirishima noticed how I suddenly changed but decided not to say anything.

“Let’s get you cleaned up and smelling natural.” He says, picking me up with no issues. He climbs the stairs and I place my head into his scent gland in his neck. I notice that neither him nor Bakugou do not have a claiming mark yet. Once we reach the top of the stairs, I see my old bedroom door and ask Kirishima to put my down, he walks ahead to the double doors at the end of the hallway. Which is their room.

“I’ll only stay for tonight, and then I’ll find somewhere else to live, I don’t even have a room here anymore.” I say to Kirishima which makes him freeze.

“Silly omega, come here.” He replies, gesturing me to follow. I start to hear the water running in their private bathroom. Kirishima opens the door and lets me enter the room first.

The first thing I can smell is the strong smell of Alpha but slowly a familiar smell enters, I look around the room and see my stuff. Things that I had left behind, my paintings, photos of the three of use. The queen size bed with three sets of pillows, big enough for all of us. I look around and notice a curtained canopy hiding something. I look to Kirishima who leans on the door frame by the Bathroom and nods. I breath in again and noticed the familiar smell but I am not able to pinpoint it yet.

I pull back to curtain and freeze. “Is that m..” I say unable to finish as I look down, tears filling my eyes. Bakugou comes out of the bathroom and leans on the opposite side to Kirishima. I look at the two of them and then look down at my old nest, they kept it, they really kept it. I can’t speak, only cry. Bakugou comes over to me and hold me bringing me towards the bathroom. Kirishima entered first. He began to undress and tied back his long hair, He entered the bath first, as Bakugou began to undress me as my emotions were betraying me at his moment. There was nothing sexual about this moment, it was about Alpha’s taking care of their Omega. Bakugou lifted me and lowered me into the water to sit in Kirishima’s lap, he quickly undressed and joined us.

I started to calm down, feeling I could now speak. “So, you mean, you have forgotten me, and you still want to be with me.” I ask looking down at my hands. Kirishima wraps his arms around me more and places his head into my scent gland breathing me in, tickling me slightly.

“Of course, silly omega, we’ve wanted you since the day you knocked me on my ass.” Bakugou replied leaning in to kiss me.

#alpha imagines #alpha!bakugou #alpha!kirishima #bnha omegaverse #omega reader #polyam relationship #poly bakusquad #omegaverse #abo dynamics #alpha bakugou #alpha x omega #alpha bakugou x reader #alpha kirishima x reader #bakugou katuski x reader #bakugou x self insert #kirishima x reader #bakugou x kirishima x reader #my hero academia reader #kirishima eijiro x reader #bnha fanfiction #bnha au #mha omegaverse #mha fanfiction #mha yandere

[danggerine]

i made the mistake of reading the notes on a lot of trans naoto posts so now y’all get responses to some of the bad takes i keep seeing. buckle the fuck up

• “naoto’s arc is about sexism specific to the japanese workplace and calling her trans erases that to fit it into a western lens!!!”

you guys do know that there are japanese trans people right. like i agree that there are lots of issues with workplace sexism and gender roles in japan, but there’s also lots of issues with transphobia. y’all do know that you do not have to be white and/or live in a western country to be trans, and that queer stories and issues are GLOBAL stories and issues right.

• “naoto isn’t a man, she just pretended to be one to get respect in a male-dominated field, if you say she’s a trans man you’re ruining that whole character arc about accepting your true self!”

here’s the thing! the way that character arc was done was fucking transphobic! the trope of a woman going into disguise as a man for safety/respect/etc is tried and tested, it shows up literally everywhere, and the trope itself is not inherently transphobic. HOWEVER, when persona 4 incorporates Really Obviously Trans elements into that trope, like chest binding and literal gender reassignment surgery, then we have a problem, because now you have a cis character going through a trans narrative in the name of insecurity.

p4 does everything it can to embody the typical narrative of a young transitioning trans guy: binding, changing your name, revising official documents to be known as a man in work and school records, dressing masculine, and forming a shadow literally based on transitional surgery. plus the stuff naoto’s shadow says isn’t about being “a weak little girl” or “no one will ever take you seriously when you’re just a little girl” like you would expect it to be for someone who’s arc is supposed to be about dealing with misogyny, it’s all “you’ll never be a real man,” “you can’t cross the boundary between the sexes,” “no one will ever see you as you are” comments. you know, textbook trans guy insecurity. but the game backtracks on that and says naoto was just insecure about being a female detective and wanted people to take them seriously, and that they should get rid of these feelings and accept their true, female self.

and this is where the problem lies. when you write an obviously trans-coded narrative, but make the character experiencing it an insecure cis person or someone trying to avoid discrimination, you say either 1. trans people are really their assigned gender and are just insecure, but accepting the gender they were given at birth will make them happier and more confident or 2. being a trans man is a way for cis women to escape misogyny. 1 is obviously stupid and has been talked about by plenty of people, but 2 is a BIG problem and a wild assumption to me. being a trans man is seen as an “out” for naoto, or a solution to a problem, as if once they’re a man they’ll face no discrimination whatsoever, when in reality things like getting their gender marker changed in official documents that would allow them to go by “he” and wear the boy’s uniform at school and passing well enough to be seen as a boy in public would be a HUGE ordeal that includes a lot of stress and rejection and danger. realistically, naoto is putting themself in a really precarious position, because if they are exposed as actually afab to the media, to the detective agency, or to the school, they are set for a hell of a lot of ridicule, discrimination, and potential physical danger. but persona 4 doesn’t reflect this at all, because it’s transphobic and thinks that being trans is the easy way out for cis women experiencing misogyny!

• really any argument that boils down to “naoto is a cis woman in canon whose struggle is about sexism, not being trans”

like i already addressed enough of this, i think, but what really gets me is that kanji’s arc is fucked up in a lot of the same ways naoto is and no one is clowning on posts about kanji being gay? his shadow is a very clear (and offensive) gay caricature, and his narrative is very much one about a mlm guy experiencing homophobia from his peers and acting out because of that. and yet the game backtracks to saying “oh no it’s not about liking men, kanji is insecure about his femininity and softer hobbies because of toxic masculinity” and then literally uses naoto to refute his queerness because “look the only guy kanji was ever shown as attracted to was ACTUALLY a woman all along and now that kanji knows she’s a girl he can be openly attracted to her!” in canon, naoto is about as cis as kanji is straight, and yet EVERYONE is on board for portraying kanji as gay in fan works like it’s not even a question, but there has to be a huge debate anytime anyone wants to call naoto trans. legitimately, i think i’ve seen someone argue about kanji being mlm on a post...once? ever? meanwhile every post about naoto being trans has to have a horde of discourse, i’m literally already prepping for the bad notes this post will get because y’all cannot leave this ALONE

in conclusion, i am not saying that everyone has to think naoto is a trans man or forcing anyone to stop liking a character in the way they want or anything like that. i am saying that the naoto’s canon character arc is transphobic and if you’re trying to fight with trans people about how they want to reclaim something that uses a lot of their experiences, don’t.

#this is petty as shit and it’s probably going to get me into sooooo much DiscourseTM but i got frutsrated #really out here writing a fucking dissertation about the opinions people i’ve never met have about a 10+ year old game lmao #gale make a post that isn’t 10 miles long challenge #but i cant HELP it i love naoto so much he is so so trans to me #persona 4 #naoto shirogane #persona #trans naoto #my thoughts

[evacado3]

Manipulator

One-shot Though I can't really say it's Yujinxreader

80% talking 20% plot 100% toxic

Word count: 770

Thoughts circled your head while laying on the bed, there wasn't a day passed by without thinking of him, and the life you chose to give up. You could say you might have been a little depressed after that, but it's been a year, almost time to move on.

The doorbell rang loudly, alerting you of some uninvited guests, "At this hour? It's 12am." you let an irritated sigh, moving out of the comfortable position you finally found.

Swinging open the door, you were ready to yell at whoever dared to visit this late.

"HEY WHA- Yujin?"

"Hey y/n, missed me?" he smiled, the two men following behind him were too familiar for your liking.

"You... Why, what are you doing here. Why would you bring those two, came here to kill me?" you snickered. Both of you knew that could never happen, you were more useful than them combined.

"Well well, I was expecting more of a warm welcome from our ex-informer. How's life after retiring?" that was a sarcastic low blow, especially when he knew the reason why you quitted.

Talking to him even after a year gave you immense pressure, your stomach was churning, and your face is basically red.

"That was low, say why bother coming this late."

"Would you mind if we let ourselves in first?"

-----

The air felt heavy where the four of you sat down, the larger man took out a vintage-looking wine bottle and a case that contained two glasses.

"I'm not drinking your poisoned shit." you deadpanned, there's no way anyone would risk playing games with Yujin.

He poured you some of the dark liquid anyways, returning to his seat after placing a notorious golden badge next to the glass.

"Yujin I-"

"Come back y/n, we need you." he leans forward with his elbows on the table, "Workers are facing a problem with the lack of evidence provided, only you could help."

"I'm retired ok, I'm sick of that environment. What I wanted while creating Workers hasn't shown in any of the affiliates and you used my information to kill people Yujin, murder." You emphasized the last word. That wasn't easy to let out, it's not easy saying 'no' to the person you love.

He chuckled before continuing, "But the talent's still there, and you didn't think I came empty-handed right?" Yujin signaled the other man, to which he responded by pulling out a black suitcase. "One billion won y/n, is that enough to hook you back?"

Your eyes widened, not in amusement. Does he think I could be bought with money? He thinks I'm that kind of person? Sure you had put on a facade to mask your feeling, projecting them onto the riches instead. But honestly, you wished he'd see more than that, into your real desires.

"You can make millions y/n, haven't you always been about money?" he convinced, and you didn't doubt him. Workers have gotten big now you've withdrawn from the business, the amount you could make just by agreeing with his offer is something some people may never earn.

"Yujin..." you stared down to your thighs. The thought of returning back to his side sounds too good to be true, but will he again ignore your ambitions? You knew Yujin doesn't play by the rules, the company has gotten big because of this. Though there's no way you could stop him, you're were, and will always be his stepping stone.

"Come back to me y/n, there are no cons to this proposal." he used a serious voice, is he sincere in asking for me?

Rejections are hard, you've always wondered how Yujin makes it look so easy. So you could only nod, the courage you build up to quit was broken down by his one request.

He openly smirked towards the other two men, giving them a small thumbs up to them under the table.

So, when is he going to stop using your love against you?

When is he gonna realize your attention has always been on him and not the money? That if there's anything he wanted, you'd climb more than mountains just to achieve it. And that if only he'd take your love seriously, you'd be his slave.

So why is he still using this toxic method, still manipulating your feelings?

"It's late, do you wanna stay her-"

"No, I'm leaving."

No hesitation in his harsh words. He gave you a genuine-looking smile, though it doesn't even reach his eyes, "I love you." he lied.

"I love you too." you answered, but with all the truth that laid in your heart.

====================

I'm getting no requests lmao so I'm working on my own ones, I'm was going to post a Jake one-shot but somehow did this first…

Can’t tell me Yujin isn’t toxic

And I guess I kinda got this idea from my oc's background

#yujin #fics #lookism #lookism webtoon #webtoon lookism #lookism x reader #lookism yujin #toxic #yujin x reader

[stuff-from-the-void-matron]

Laurel Wreaths & Animal Teeth (11)

(c!technoblade x fem!reader)

(people showed chapter 10 some nice love so here’s chapter 11. sorry it took so long to get out. I threw my back out and doing just about anything has been physical torture. but I’m starting to feel better so here’s hoping I’ll write more soon. but remember, please comment and reblog. they keep me motivated! <3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things settled down pretty well after the election. Almost unbelievably so. Wilbur pretty much completely disappeared afterwards. You felt worried and voiced your concerns with Niki, saying you hoped he wasn’t terribly upset he’d lost the election. You understand he no doubt felt incredibly attached to the title of president, and he may feel resentful of you for ‘stealing’ it from him. Niki smiled at you, glad you were being kinder about this than the other contestants would be in your shoes, but sighed and said,

“Yeah, he’ll probably be upset for a while. But I’m sure he’ll come around to accept you as the new president.”

You gave her a thankful smile, even if you didn’t quite believe her words. But then you paused and wondered if maybe, despite all your reservations about the brunet man, it was possible to smooth things over with him? Maybe all you needed to do was sit and have a talk with him. Perhaps he’d gone insane in the original timeline because both Schlatt and Quackity were… well, for lack of a nicer term, total dicks to him. They were openly antagonistic to the former president, banishing him and his younger brother from the very nation they fought and died for, which no doubt added to his crumbling mental state after L’manberg chose a new leader.

But maybe you could be different from Schlatt and Quackity. Honestly you had no desire to be cruel to Wilbur, though you would not put up with any of his BS, and honestly you hoped to have a neutral relationship with the man. So you decided right then that there was no harm in trying. Your smile brightened and you nodded and said to the blonde woman,

“You’re probably right, he just needs some time. Maybe after a few days he and I can have lunch and just talk. Clear the air between us. I’ve never been president before so I’m sure he’d be a great help in getting me better settled in!”

Niki was super glad you were being so chill about all of this. She knew you were the best choice for president. That’s probably why she’d voted for you. (yeah she’d heard your little speech and was really moved) But she’d never tell Wilbur that. He fully believed she’d voted for Coconut2020, and to be fair she had intended to until she was so moved by your speech. You had a way with words that just put the listener at ease.

“Yeah, I’m sure things will be alright,” Niki replied with a cheerful smile.

-0-

You settled into being president pretty well all things considered. There wasn’t as much work as you were expecting there to be for a president. But perhaps your only frame of reference (the US president) was a bit different than your current job (l’manberg president). L’manberg was super small actually. Especially compared to the United States. Hell, Punz’ house was almost as big as L’manberg if you remember right. 

You’re glad there wasn’t much presidential work to do at that moment. Because you wouldn’t have had time to juggle that work plus going back to your village and packing up some of your stuff in your ender chest before telling the villagers (and azo) what actually happened while you were gone. Which had been an ordeal in itself. You felt bad for just leaving to a new place so out of the blue. But you felt obligated to complete the role of president given to you. You’d feel less obligated if there was some other option you felt safe passing the torch to. Someone not a child. That left out every minor on this server and Wilbur. 

Part of you considered Fundy and Niki for the job but another part of you doubted if they’d be able to handle it. Honestly they shouldn’t have to either. It’s no secret that being president is one of the most stressful jobs a person can have. Being in charge of the safety and well-being of a group of people is enough to turn anyone’s hair grey. Even if the group was just like 10 or so people like L’manberg had. You remember seeing a post about pictures at the start and end of American presidents’ time in office. And each president looked at least a decade older in each after picture. Complete with wrinkles and grey hair. Those happened in FOUR years! Their jobs were so stressful that they aged 10+ years in only 4 years.

You were pulled from your thoughts by Tommy practically shouting “We’re here!!” as you all made it over the hill that led to your village. The first thing you saw was the towering bamboo wall around the perimeter of the place. You’d been so in your own head that you’d actually forgotten about the two boys on either side of you. They’d insisted they accompany you to your village as ‘presidential bodyguards’ despite the fact you said you would be fine. They’d practically demanded to go, to ensure the ‘new prez’ didn’t get attacked on the journey. Amused and touched that they cared, you’d finally relented and let them come along. You’d only be gone a short while anyways. At least that’s what you told yourself. 

It didn’t take long to pack up everything you wanted to take with you to L’manberg. You put all the nice gifts the villagers gave you (as well as a couple of the banners you made) and some of the stuff you made and packed it away into a shulker box you pulled from the Creative inventory before picking up said box and putting it inside your ender chest. Then you just picked that chest up and tucked it safely in your inventory and you were basically done. With packing anyways.. You still had to talk to the villagers and let them know you had to move away for a while. But you doubted they’d be heartbroken or anything. Maybe bummed out but they’d understand. It’s not like they’d be lost without you. They’d been living in this world long before you showed up and they’d probably be here long after you left.

Then you were ringing the village bell. And like every time you did the villagers all poked their heads out from wherever they were to see who rang it and what was going on. And when they saw you they brightened and hurried over to see what was happening. They gathered around you and the bell, murmuring curiously between themselves. You sighed and cleared your throat, gathering their attention to you before you hesitated, not entirely sure what to say. Should you explain the entire story from start to finish? No, probably not. That would take a while and you felt like they’d get bored fast. But just blurting out that you were leaving felt too abrupt and blunt. Though your indecision ended up not mattering because Tubbo finally lost patience with the silence and just let the metaphorical cat out of the bag in his usual laid back candid way.

“Are you gonna tell them you’re moving away?”

Oh that caught the villagers’ attention and suddenly you were surrounded by displeased grunts and hums, like surround sound stereos. You sighed and confirmed yes, you were. So with the news out there you started explaining what happened the day before, or at least a shortened version of it. You mentioned how you’d gone to support Tommy, placing a hand on his shoulder as you said this. Then you said how you’d sorta advised everyone to vote for who they felt would lead them smartly, and how you guess they took that as you entering the presidential ring.. And finally how you’d won the election by some points and how you’d not wanted to reject their trust so you’d accepted the job…

“Reader is our new president!!” Tommy practically shouted, clearly excited. 

Though from the disgruntled murmurs from the villagers they didn’t seem happy.. But you told them it would be okay. You’d come and visit them as often as you could while juggling your new job. But even with that promise they didn’t seem happy. Your shoulders slumped a bit and without thinking you said,

“I’m not happy about having to leave the village and move away either. But I made a promise to the people of L’manberg, one I intend to keep.” 

Despite not feeling the best about this you were determined to keep your word.

“Besides, it’s not like I can just pack up the village and move you all next to L’manberg!” you said with a flippant wave of your hand.

But the idea didn’t sound too bad to the villagers. They basically worshipped you as their guardian deity. So if loading up all their possessions and hauling them to a new place meant they got to stay within reach of their deity then so be it. They’d still be living in squalor if it hadn’t been for your kindness and generosity, so they wanted to follow you wherever you went. Be it sunny skies, harsh rain, freezing snow. 

So they all made excited grunts and you blinked at them, catching on to their train of thought pretty fast. You shook your head, missing the confused looks the two teen boys were shooting between you and the villagers, and said they couldn’t follow you to L’manberg. Hearing this made the boys’ eyebrows shoot up and they started asking if the villagers wanted to come live in L’manberg. You sighed and said they seemed to, yes, but it wasn’t viable because there was nowhere for them to live! Moving them all on a spur of the moment thing would be reckless. Not only would the journey be very hard on them and take quite a while but there’s also no homes available for them in L’manberg. 

“We could make some houses for them if they want to move to L’manberg!” Tubbo said with a little grin, not seeing the issue with them coming over.

You rubbed a hand down your face, careful not to jostle your mask too much. But then you sighed and finally caved in. 

“Okay, you can all move next to L’manberg,” you began, but before they could cheer you cut them off with, “BUT! They can’t leave today. I refuse to let them take the whole long journey to L’manberg just so they can be homeless when they get there.”

You said you and some others (who you would pay) would build a new village next door to L’manberg for them. And once it was complete you would come back and help ferry them all over safely. But you might have to take them over in small groups to avoid hostile mobs and stuff. Though despite all the risks the villagers seemed quite happy with everything. So you pulled out your notebook, the same one you’d used when you first showed up to the village actually, and made a note to start construction on a new village to either the North or East of L’manberg. Or whatever side had better building room. But now that that all was settled you bid the villagers goodbye, saying you’d start construction as soon as possible.

With that out of the way you decided to pay a visit to Azo. You missed the adorable little piglin and hoped she was doing okay. Your boys followed you into the Nether, asking what you needed from there so badly. That made you pause and realize they’d never officially met Azo! You smiled down at them and said you’d sort of taken up guardianship of a little piglin girl who lost her parents. You’d expected questions and some comments but got nothing but silence in return, which left you feeling a bit confused. But when you glanced over at the boys you saw Tubbo looking lost in thought and Tommy looking mildly upset. This caused you to stop short, which made them pause and look back at you. 

“What’s wrong?” you couldn’t help but ask.

But they both waved you off, Tubbo with a soft ‘what do you mean?’ and Tommy with an almost harsh sounding  ‘nothing’, both of which didn’t sound the least bit convincing. So you tilted your head to the side and in a firmer (but still gentle) tone you asked again what was wrong. Tommy’s nose scrunched up and he crossed his arms, adamantly saying nothing and asking if you all could hurry up and see ‘this kid’ since you had to hurry back to L’manberg. Tubbo tried to piggyback off Tommy, his smile attempting to be brighter as he agreed, saying he wanted to meet your ‘new kid’. That’s when it hit you..

“Are you two upset that I adopted a kid?”

Tommy wasn’t very subtle with his feelings, his loud “WHAT?! NO!” didn’t convince you of his supposed ‘uncaring’ regarding the situation. Tubbo however reacted slower than his friend, like he was processing what you’d asked before he gave a laugh that sounded too stilted to be genuine and denied being upset, saying that was ridiculous. Tommy actually started walking away, heading in the direction you three had followed when you were together here last time, with the goatish brunet watching him anxiously. But you called for him to stop and come back, maybe a touch sterner than you’d wanted. But when the blond came back to you he refused to look at you, just scowling down at his feet. You felt your heart ache at the sight and let out a calm breath.

You wrapped one arm around the blond’s shoulders and the other around his back, pulling him into a comforting hug. You laid your cheek on the top of his mop of hair, glancing down at Tubbo who was shifting between watching you both and glancing away nervously. Without much thought you removed the hand holding Tommy’s back and instead used it to carefully tug the brunet boy into the hug. They just stood there at first, still and awkward almost. But once Tubbo wrapped his arms around your hips and Tommy’s back his blond friend quickly caved and sunk into your warmth, wrapping his arms around you both tightly, like he was afraid you’d both disappear. 

You took a breath and gently began to rock the two back and forth, missing how Tommy’s eyes pricked with hot tears as he heard your steady heartbeat against his ear. After a couple minutes of just standing there relaxed into the hug you said quietly but with as much emotion as you could put into it,

“Tommy, Tubbo, please talk to me. I can do many things, but reading minds is not one of them.”

You felt your shirt become warm and you frowned and hugged them tighter,

“If something is bothering you two, if you’re sad or upset or angry then you need to tell me so I can maybe do something to make you feel better. I never wanna see either of you upset, so please… talk to me?”

The air around you three was unintentionally heavy, only the sound of fire crackling nearby broke up the silence. It was killing you to remain quiet but you didn’t want to push them to speak. That would just make them clam up and possibly push you away. So you waited, just holding and rocking them as you did. And your eyes brightened when your patience was rewarded.

“.... Why’d you have to go and get a kid?”

You half expected for Tommy to be the one to break the silence, he was always so against the quiet. But no, instead it had been Tubbo who finally buckled and voiced his thoughts. You couldn’t help but ask what he meant. And he sort of stuttered over his words, not sounding exactly sure what he wanted to say before he got his thoughts and mouth to cooperate.

“I thought you already-.. I mean you have us.. Why’d you-..”

If your heart could physically break like glass then you knew after hearing that it would be in a hundred pieces on the floor. You couldn’t help but pull them closer and bury your face between theirs, unknowingly letting out a softened keening sound. 

“I want you both to listen, just because I take another child under my wing doesn’t mean I no longer care about you two. I don’t think I could ever stop caring about you. You’re my boys, and I-....” here is where you hesitated, not wanting so sound weird but you continued,

“If you both want… I mean since neither of you have one to my knowledge… I’d happily be your mom.”

Shy isn’t exactly how you’d describe the two boys you’d begun to care for, but there was no other word accurate enough to describe how they agreed to your offer to be their mom. Tubbo gave an almost meek, “alright, sure” while holding onto your waist and Tommy gave a long-suffering sigh while trying to discreetly wipe his eyes and said, “I guess you’re cool enough to be my mum. Barely though.” That caused you to let out a loud guffaw, your grip on them loosening enough to where you could ruffle the blond’s hair.

“Ohhhhh, Big man himself thinks I’M cool? Very high praise~”

The heavy atmosphere lightened and your laughter had the two boys laughing too. But then a sly grin took over your face and you chuckled. The sound alerted the boys of your mischievous mood and they looked up when you started talking.

“Well, now that you’ve accepted me as your mom I’m legally obligated to do all sorts of ‘Mom Stuff’, I hope you realize that. Like making sure you both eat things besides bread and meat, make sure you sleep regularly, and do the spit thing when you’ve got dirt on your face.”

They gave you a look that was a mixture of confusion and mild disgust, and Tommy couldn’t help but blurt out,

“What the fuck do you mean by ‘spit thing’??”

Unbeknownst to him, he’d activated your Mom Trap Card and your grin grew into a smirk and you raised your hand, casually commenting that he seemed to have a bit of dirt on his cheek, and then you licked your thumb and moved it towards his face. He shrieked and practically threw himself backwards to avoid your spit covered finger. But you still had your arm around his shoulders so he didn’t get far. He rapidly screamed out a verbal blur of ‘nonononoNONONO!’ that had Tubbo nearly doubling over, howling with laughter.

Though his laughter abruptly cut off with a gasp when Tommy escaped your hold, causing you to turn your sights on him. He let out a noise that sounded suspiciously like the bleat of a goat before turning and running from you. You just cackled and chased after him, your longer legs giving you the advantage. You caught up with him before he knew it and lifted him in a backwards hug. Now it was Tommy’s turn to laugh at Tubbo.

But you did let him down, without cleaning his face, and smiled down at the pair and said sincerely,

“All joking aside… I think you two would make a cool pair of big brothers..”

Tommy took that and ran with it, saying of COURSE he would be! He was practically Tubbo’s big brother already! Which just caused Tubbo to argue with him that uh, NO, he was older than Tommy! So HE was the older brother out of the two of them, if anything! And oh boy that caused them both to go back and forth, arguing about who was the ‘older brother’ between them. Tubbo insisted it was him because he was born first but Tommy insisted it was him because he was taller. You just shook your head and led the bickering duo down the familiar path to Azo’s little ‘house’ you built her. And as you reached the open area you saw her outside the house playing with a couple other baby piglins. But when she looked up and saw you she squealed happily and all but sprinted over to you. You made sure to bend down and hold your hands out to catch her. 

She was so excited to see you again that she totally missed the two boys standing at your sides. At least until she heard them and then she stiffened and stared down at Tubbo from her place in your arms. Neither boy really knew what to say so you decided to intervene and put out introductions. You tapped her hand and smiled down at her, helping her worry ease a bit.

“Azo, I missed you! I want to introduce you to my sons! This,” you gestured to Tubbo, “is Tubbo. And this,” you turned your head and pointed to the blond on the other side, “is Tommy. They’re both very nice. And they wanted to meet you!”

You turned so you and Azo were both facing the boys and saw them smiling genuinely. Relief flooded you, thinking they were actually glad to meet the little piglin, unaware the smiles were more stemming from the fact you’d called them your sons so easily.

But you saw the wariness still on Azo’s face and worried she’d not like her new brothers. Suddenly you got a bright idea and your smile widened as you spoke up and said, 

“Hey, don’t you two have a gift for Azo? Maybe something yellow and shiny~?”

Tubbo’s mouth dropped down into an ‘o’ as he realized what you meant. Then he elbowed Tommy and then pulled open his inventory and started looking through it. Tommy glared at him, moving his arm away after getting jabbed, but then his eyebrows raised when he saw his best friend pull out a gold ingot from his inventory. Then he understood what you meant and hurried to look through his inventory as well. Thankfully he did have some gold ingots leftover from when he was crafting golden apples.

Azo perked up when she saw the gold ingot Tubbo had taken from his inventory. And when he offered it to her she couldn’t hold back the happy snort she let out as she joyfully accepted it. You giggled at how she admired the saffron colored bar. And when Tommy extended his own gold ingot you laughed when Azo’s little tail began to swish back and forth in glee as she took that one too. She looked so cute as she admired her new items. You rubbed her back and said,

“See? They’re pretty nice, right? Why don’t we go have something to eat? And we can hang out.”

The tiny piglin seemed more than happy with that plan and snorted happily. You carried her towards the house, her little friends having long since scurried off. The teens behind you followed your lead, joining you in the house. You sat Azo down and suggested she show off her toys to Tubbo and Tommy, which she started doing gladly. The two played with her while you brewed some tea and crafted some cookies. Chilled rosehip tea and shortbread cookies were on the menu and after it was all done you laid it out on the table before calling them over. The boys were all too happy for the chilly drink, the cold giving them reprieve from the heat of the Nether. But Azo was shocked by the cold, not having experienced something like this before. It took a bit of explanation to get her to give it a try, and despite how it made her shiver she seemed to really like it. And cookies were always popular. So the plate was emptied in a flash.

As you sat with the three, listening to Tommy brag to Azo about how ‘cool and tough’ he was and how he’s practically a hero in the Overworld while Tubbo interjected with contradictions, you felt yourself smile serenely; truly happy where you were right then.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@lady-bee-fechin @kacchasu @putridjoy @lunawritesstories @galaxypankitty3030 @paradigmax @zachariethememerie @killmewithafanfic @trinity-1002107 @hufflepuff-demigod @truthdaze @exorcisms-with-elmo @redbloodtea @heythereimhaylz @olyink @jackalopedoodles @nikkineeky @artsimatsu @hufflepuff-demigod @corpiet @beepa99 @anxiousnarwhale @bananaaddictmilkshake @realitycanbeajerk @lostandsouciant @thegeekisheere @sparkling-gayyy @woman-soot @xxtwizztedxx @v10dw4lk3r

#technoblade x reader #techno x reader #dream smp x reader #dsmp x reader #mcyt x reader #c!tommy #c!tubbo #c!niki #c!wilbur #c!fundy

[nat-20s]

fill of @jonmartinweek day 6 prompt- flirting AND jealousy, though much heavier on the jealousy than the flirting. Set in a classic “season 5 jmart time travel bac to season 1″ au

~*~

“Mr. Blackwood-Sims, if I didn’t know any better, I would assume you’re trying to proposition me.”

“Mr. Sims-Blackwood, I would never. For one, neither of us are inclined towards those sorts of activities, for second, we’re both married men. What would my husband say?”

“I believe your husband would say he never specified exactly what you were propositioning, and he would be more than amenable to kissing, preferably sometime in the next few seconds.”

“Mmm, suppose I’ll have to find him and take him up on that, then. If that’s really how he feels.”

“Trust me, it most certainly is.”

Christ, would those two shut up already? Granted, it’s late enough that they probably think they’re alone in the archives, but, still. This is, technically, a work place, and Jon would’ve preferred not to have accidentally gotten an eyeful as he made his way past the open door in the breakroom. Now, the image of (supposedly) a future version of himself sitting on the couch, with (supposedly) a future version of Martin straddling his legs, using one hand to cup his face, and the other to run his hands through that Jon’s longer hair, was seared into his mind, and he hated it. Look, contrary to what people who don’t know him very well seemed to believe, he’s hardly a prude. He’s more than fine with descriptions of physical intimacy, as well as public displays of affection. If he’s being honest with himself, deep down, he doesn’t even care all that much about professionalism, especially considering it is after hours.

But of course, he’s not being honest with himself, because then he’d have to admit that it bothers him that it’s them. He doesn’t know what to call the acrid burning in the pit of his stomach, the too tight ache in his chest, that’s present whenever the fun house mirror versions of himself and Martin are besotted with each other, but he knows it’s there. It doesn’t help that he’s the only one that seems to be bothered by it, the only one that frowns at the flash of wedding rings or the orbit those two always seem to occupy around each other.

Or, no, he’s not the only one. Occasionally, while witnessing the two of them being...the Two of Them, he can’t help glancing over to Martin. Lo and behold, Martin also doesn’t look thrilled about all of this, usually skewing more towards confusion or, oddly enough, resignation. At least, that’s what Jon thinks he sees there, it’s one of the few times where he can’t fully get a read on Martin.

Still, as much as Martin might share in being somewhat perturbed, as anyone who meets their “future selves” should be, Martin doesn’t seem nearly as upset as Jon is. That brings him back to his current predicament of feeling that level of upset, but not being able to determine the root cause of it.

It is not that he’s jealous. It’s not! He does not feel a pang of envy at seeing someone who looks extremely similar to himself loving openly, and being openly loved in return. He doesn’t find his thoughts drifting to the imagined feeling of lips pressed to his temple or arms around his waist or fingers running through his hair. He certainly hasn’t looked down at his left hand and been disappointed by the fact that its bare. He doesn’t even want those things, as he’s been telling himself for a number of many lonely years. One of these days he might even believe it.

Fine. Fine. Maybe, but only maybe, there’s a part of him that’s jealous. Maybe there’s even a part of him that despairs, because try as he might he can’t connect point A to point B, can’t see the steps he would have to take to be like that other version of himself, and he knows his Martin (well, not his Martin, but..) will never look at him like that, will never see him in that light. And, damn it all, it hurts, so if they could kindly stop ru-

Oh. Wait. He can’t hear them outside his office door anymore. Huh, perhaps they-

“Knock knock.”

Startled out of his...contemplation, Jon looks up to find himself looking back. Sims is leaning against the door-frame, with mussed hair, swollen lips, and pupils blown wide. Jon loathes him and wishes to be him in equal measure. In a move he usually would’ve thought more characteristic of Tim, Sims doesn’t wait for a response, instead sitting himself across from Jon and saying, “Figured you’d still be here.”

Trying not to sound too much like he’s speaking through gritted teeth, Jon asks, “Did you now?”

Sims gives a lackadaisical shrug. “With any luck, you’re not going to become me. I not sure you can become me, at this point, diverging paths and all that. However, we do share the first 28 years of our lives, and I certainly didn’t believe in the concept of a work life balance, so why would you?”

“Is there something you wanted?”

“Yes, actually. I want you to ask out Martin, your moping is getting insufferable, and considering how much of our misery has been entirely outside of our control, you shouldn’t put up with what is in your power to fix.”

Jon blinks. Jon processes. Jon stammers. “I-what?! I am not, you can’t just-. Martin doesn’t even like me, and if you really were the same person as me, you know I’m not all that keen on him either.”

“Uh-huh. Is that why you can’t stop thinking about his hands?”

“I do no-”

Sims puts a hand up in surrender, though the smirk doesn’t entirely drop. “Sorry, sorry, I know that’s rather unhelpful. What I mean is, you’re already loved, right now, as you are. No, that love is not coming from Martin, but it could be,t because he doesn’t dislike you.  He doesn’t know you, because you have done everything in your power to make sure he doesn’t. You also don’t know him, even though you’re interested in him, because you’ve been trying not to be. It’s stupid. Get to know each other. It’ll probably work out.”

“I...is that how you did it? Because this seems like an objectively terrible idea.”

Sims snorts. “God, no. It took a coma before I was able to untangle my own feelings. The whole point is that you won’t have to take the same looping, painful path that I did.”

Jon wants to reject it outright, almost does, and yet. “Fine.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yes, really. Why?’

“Nothing, just. We’re usually a more stubborn on these sorts of things. I was expecting more of a fight.”

“Mm. Normally, I would be, but I’ve been forced to watch two rather obvious proof of concepts waltzing around in front of me, and agreeing will hopefully get you the hell out of my office.”

Sims studies him for a moment, then a surprised smile spreads on his face. “All right then.”

Jon makes a dismissive hand wave, and Sims obliges, and he spends the rest of the night trying not to think about what he’s agreed to.

~*~

The next day, about half an hour before the end of the work day, Jon calls Martin into his office. From his tight shoulders and carefully blank expression, it’s clear Martin very much does not want to be there. Great. This is going to go so well.

Jon gestures for him to sit, Martin does, and he dives in. “As we both now know, I don’t have the ability to fire you. In all reality, even though I am, on paper, your boss, I truly don’t have any power or authority over you.”

Martin leans back in his seat, letting a heavy pause fall between them before saying a stilted, “Okay?”

“So, I want you to know that I am about to ask you a question, and you have complete freedom and choice over your response, without fear of any negative consequences. Alright?”

“Um. Sure.”

Jon takes a breath, slowly lets it out, and bites the bullet. “Would you like to get dinner sometime?”

Martin stares. Then he squints. Then he studies. “Oh. Jon, you...we’re not them, you know that, right?”

“I’m aware.”

“So..why?”

Jon lets out a sigh, and tries to gather his thoughts in a way that makes sense to either of them. “Well, though I myself have some trouble with the concept, they’re not..entirely removed from who we are, and there’s enough foundation there that I have reason to believe we might...get on? Maybe we don’t, maybe we end up being friends, maybe we end up like them. That’s already enough to pique my own curiosity, but, alternate future versions of us aside, I mostly would just like to get to know more about you, and I’m hoping you might like to get to know me better as well.”

Martin’s shoulders relax, and he chews on his bottom lip for a moment before replying, “Okay. Yeah, why not?”

“Oh. Oh! Great! Does this Saturday work for you?”

“Works perfectly. Let’s give a shot.”

The first date is..fine. A Bit of a mess, but fine. The second date, however, is the best Jon’s ever been on. It’s so wonderful, in fact, that he doesn’t even mind when he catches Blackwood passing a fiver to Sims the day he can’t stop smiling at work.

#jonmartinweek2021 #jonmartin #jon sims #martin blackwood #tma #the ending is literally 'we wouldn't be compatible without trauma' 'oh bet?' #ALSO GOD THIS IS SO LONG FOR A FICLET HH

[much-obliged-timothy]

Can I,,, can I request “There we go, that’s it…” for Devil May Cry 👉👈 Feel free to totally disregard this if you arent taking prompts anymore dklfngld

Anon I am SO SORRY it took me so long to write this!! I've had no free time lately, and I'm also sorry it's short! I hope it's what you were looking for, though!

*

“Oh, come on, kid, come on,” Dante muttered, shaking Nero a little.

Vergil knelt beside him, glaring. “I don’t think shaking him is helping.”

“You’re right. Shit. I’m probably just turning his stomach into a milkshake of bile and poison.” Dante lowered Nero back against the wall. Nero’s head dropped forward lifelessly.

“It’s not in his stomach,” Vergil said impatiently. “They stabbed it into his neck.”

“Yea, well, he threw up!” Dante said.

“His body is rejecting the poison,” Vergil said, reaching out and touching Nero’s head. His skin was burning with a steadily growing fever. “It was meant to kill hybrids like us, but Nero is more human than demon.”

Vergil stood up and went over to his sword, yanking it free. The corpse impaled on it thumped to the ground, sending up a little spray of blood. Vergil curled his lip in contempt at the human who had snuck up on Nero and injected him with the poison.

“Well, maybe if you hadn’t killed that guy, we could’ve figured out what exactly he injected into Nero. Even if it was made for us, it could still kill or permanently harm Nero,” Dante said.

Vergil considered running his brother through with the sword too, if only to get him to stop speaking aloud the things Vergil didn’t want to admit to. He decided against it, but only because Dante was better with Nero than he was, and there was a chance they’d have to reassure him if he regained consciousness.

“Here, sit with him. I’m going to go call Nico,” Dante said, getting up. “Trish or Lady will probably know what to do for him. I’ve got no clue.”

“Helpful as ever,” Vergil said dryly.

“Right, because you’re doing so much better,” Dante said, taking off at a jog. “Keep an eye on the kid!”

Vergil knelt beside Nero again, pressing his fingers to his neck. Nero’s pulse was faster than normal. Vergil decided a fast pulse was better than no pulse, and dropped his fingers away.

He hated sitting and feeling useless. He could kill the human who injected the poison. He couldn’t kill the poison itself.

Still, Nero was slightly better than he had been when he’d first been injected. He’d thrown up and then started convulsing, but had since settled into unconsciousness, his body shaking but not seizing.

Sweat coated his forehead, his hair sticking to it. Vergil reached out and pushed it back, away from his eyes.

Nero’s eyes fluttered openly, gaze darting around without much awareness. Vergil grabbed his shoulder.

“Nero?” he said, his voice firm. Ignoring his own words to Dante, he shook Nero a little. “Nero.”

His shaking was getting worse. Vergil put a hand behind his head in case he started convulsing again, not wanting him to bang it against the wall. Nero surprised him by leaning into the touch.

Comfort, right. That’s why he hadn’t stabbed Dante to death. And now Dante wasn’t here. Shit.

“Nero, can you hear me?” he asked. He almost hoped Nero couldn’t. He had no idea what to actually say.

Nero’s eyes rolled in his direction, unfocused by undoubtedly semi-conscious now. Shit.

“Don’t try to move,” Vergil ordered, because it seemed a sensible command.

He realized too late that moving wasn’t the issue. The damn brat had inherited his uncle’s mouth.

“C-Can’t…m-m-move.” Nero’s words were horrifically slurred, hard to understand.

“Evidently all you can move is your mouth,” Vergil grumbled. “Stop talking.”

Nero gasped in a breath. “B-Breathe-”

His breath was getting shallower. Vergil shifted, getting his hands behind Nero and carefully adjusting him, trying to maneuver him into a more comfortable position.

It was possible the poison was constricting his airway. Vergil felt a sudden spike of dread at the thought of Nero suffocating while Vergil held him like this, helpless to do anything but decide whether to end the boy’s suffering or wait for help.

But as he shifted Nero into a better position, his breathing became easier. Vergil kept adjusting him, encouraged by the way Nero’s shoulders relaxed and he took deeper breaths.

“There we go, that’s it…” He hadn’t meant to speak, but the words left him anyway.

He held Nero in place, one hand wrapped around his shoulders to keep him upright and the other on the back of his neck to support the placement of his head. Nero closed his eyes and took more deep breaths.

“Th…Thanks,” he managed.

Vergil nodded, even though Nero’s eyes were closed again. Nero’s body slumped the slightest as he lost consciousness again.

Vergil eyed him. If he released Nero, it was possible he would suffocate. Vergil quite literally held the boy’s life in his hands.

For the first time in a very long time, he held that life with a determined care.

#prompt #devil may cry #nero sparda #vergil sparda #dante sparda #dmc nero #dmc vergil #dmc dante #dmc #my wriring #i just really love to torture nero and make vergil begrudgingly accept he loves his mouthy son

[sneverussape]

What kind of person do you think lily was? There's a lot said about her in the series, but i have trouble reconciling pure, shining paragon lily with someone who would marry someone that spent years tormenting her friend, 4 on 1.

ooh boy this will be a LOT. i can't even promise it will be coherent but i'll make an attempt to be. (going under a cut to save us all the grief).

first off, i think it's fair to state that one of the biggest drawbacks of lily's character is how she was written. she is a plot device. she exists to boost other characters’ narratives: she's simultaneously the Rich Boy's trophy wife, the self-sacrificing mother of the Boy Who Lived, the best friend slash lost love of the Fallen Hero, and, at the same time, also no one at all. lily is a character with little to no background and character development that she can barely stand on her own two feet without any of the associated (usually male) characters to prop her up. it absolutely sucks but that's how it is. that's how jk wrote her.

given that and working with the scraps that we do have, my opinion of lily is...complex. i try to give her justice by trying to understand her context, the workings of her mind, and the possible pressures she was subjected to, but it can be challenging especially since lack of canon pushes you into a space where you have to put them in Either/Or situations. my opinion of her has also changed as i got older. when i was younger (i read the books waaaay back, as they were getting released in fact) i only saw her as an extra character (i was most interested in snape, if that's not obvious enough, but neither did i think snape was 'obsessed' with her as a lot of hp fans now think). i saw her and snape as good friends who had had a falling out, and that he'd probably had a crush on her at some point, and it got naturally overtaken by guilt etc when she died. then when i reread some chapters containing her, i was quick to put her in the Bad Friend camp. i don't think that now. i think that she, like snape, was a complex human being who made a lot of questionable decisions but shouldn't be entirely vilified for them.

my main thoughts of her that are kind of built on material from canon as well as what jkr has said herself:

- she was not posh. she grew up in cokeworth, in the same town as severus. i don't think she was middle class as a lot of fics portray her. i think the evanses were slightly better off than the snapes but they were all working-class, and living was a day-to-day struggle. the kids spoke in the local accent, their clothes were all worn and patched over, there were no green spaces or public infrastructure for kids to safely play in, and they were all mostly running wild about the town since all their parents had to work. food was something to be thankful for because there was never enough, and sometimes they had to share with their neighbors. that's the kind of setting i think lily and severus grew up in, although severus suffered abuse on top of it all. it's possible that lily did too because of the setting (post-world war 2, poverty, adults dealing with repressed trauma from the war, etc) and it wouldn't even be that surprising if she had been;

- she and petunia got along fairly well up until the point lily found out she was a witch and, as a result, became friends with severus. it's stated in canon that petunia had also wanted to attend hogwarts with them, going as far as writing to dumbledore to allow her admittance. her jealousy upon his rejection had festered and grown into outright hate that she projected onto harry as an adult, but i don't doubt that she continued to love lily even after her death and despite how she treated harry. i think as kids they had stuck together and were very close, but magic had torn them apart. suddenly lily had a world of her own that petunia wasn't welcome in, and that would have hurt. pottermore stated lily attended vernon and petunia's wedding or engagement party but james made a right mess of it. i think lily TRIED to maintain their relationship but external factors always got in the way. i don't doubt she had also loved her sister very much;

- i don't think she had any other friends. she may have had a lot of acquaintances but i think her only real friend, the one who saw her for who she really was, was severus, and i think, at a certain point in their lives, she saw that as a weakness and resented it;

- i think, from the interactions we saw in canon of lily with other people, that lily had a penchant to please people, especially the ones who ranked higher than her in terms of power dynamics - petunia (who was the older sister), professors (sluggy comes to mind, the head of slytherin with a lot of connections), even the marauders whose actions she defended. it's not necessarily a bad thing, but i've always seen it as her being borderline manipulative. i noted that she wasn't the same with severus (based on their conversations, especially the ones in 5th year, before SWM) because he's lower than her in a lot of aspects, being a slytherin and quite likely of a lower social standing. she could boss him around and tell him to piss off and he probably wouldn't have minded. she actually strikes me as someone who could have been in slytherin; a perfect arrangement, save for the fact that she was a muggleborn. i think lily knew her place and the cards she was dealt with more than anyone, but she was also determined not to stay there;

- this brings me to the point as to why she ever went out with james potter in the first place. i think her friendship breakup with severus was inevitable because they were in the middle of a burgeoning war and both of them were being pulled to opposite and opposing ends. as an added complexity, i think she also wanted to be better than being muggleborn lily evans of cokeworth, best friend of the evil greasy slytherin git, and her way out was to associate with housemates who were in the upper echelons of power. like, we don't even know what her life was like in gryffindor tower. ron was poor, but he was also a pureblood, so that may have saved him from ridicule. but what if you were a poor muggleborn, with a northern accent to boot? in the same way severus trained himself to be more posh, lily could have done the same and could have furiously tried to blend in. maintaining a friendship with severus would have ended in heartbreak as there were too many risks and it likely outweighed the gains. this was the wizarding world too which is much much smaller than the muggle world and relied on connections more than anything. openly siding with the marauders would have saved her skin and secured her a future (which, as we all know, was forfeit anyway but whatever);

- jumping to the jily relationship, i honestly think it was also not one that was meant to last. iirc jkr projected a lot onto lily, so i'm surmising jily reflected a lot of her own failed relationships. i think james and lily had a less-than-ideal relationship, one that involved abuse (verbal, emotional, mental, physical, take your pick, but at least one form of it), and i think she may have been unhappy in the last year of her life, living in hiding with none of her own friends (if they even existed) and seeing no one else but james' pals. her only light in that darkness was likely harry as she couldn't even see her own family. i think, during those times, she thought a lot about the home she left behind and, as a consequence, her lost friendship with severus. she probably missed him, and i'm sure she must have been very lonely.

in sum, i don't think she was the Virgin Mary figure a lot of hp fans paint her to be. imho she had her own questionable but utterly human moments, and i just tried to fill in the blanks as to why she would have acted the way she did. i don't think it was easy to be lily evans at all, and majority of the 21 years of her life was likely a struggle.

#lily evans #and the cards she was dealt #i wish we knew more about her tbh #ask #hp #also mentions #snape #of course

[josiebelladonna]

in a mood. here we go again.

Perform a word association exercise with the word “sex.”

Secrets. Stop. Lies. Cheating. Shame. Hatred. Self-hatred. Discomfort. Disgust. Hopeless. Chanceless. Trapped. “What am I doing wrong?” “What’s wrong with me?” Nope.

Would you say that you have or have not had a strong sexual drive in your life? How does and did this level of sexual drive affect your intimate relationships?

I’m once again going to try really hard and not be negative with these, because I’m exhausted. Insecurity and no confidence are no joke and not something easily fixed by telling me I need to exude confidence or to “just be myself” because those pieces of advice are anything but helpful. And we wonder why I get so angry about it. These are meant to help me and meant to let me audit this part of me, this part of me that I have never loved or felt proud of before.

Looking over the last thirty years and I guess I let my own insecurities get the best of me—this shit always happens to me, too. Despite wavering and ebbing and flowing like the tides, I actually have had a very strong sex drive in my life: I just think about how boy crazy I am, how my eyes wander onto girls, and how I always have been nuts about it since I hit puberty. It’s only gotten bigger as I’ve gotten bigger, too. 

Thing is I never know what to do with it. I could never picture anyone liking what they saw with me, so I always keep it to myself. I was so disinterested in the people, boys and girls, at my school that I never could do anything: being treated like dirt by your own peers since you were ten years old, yeah, expect to check out all together. There have actually been a few times I thought I was lesbian because I am really intrigued by the female form and to be honest, there are times I’m actually drawn to it more than I am men’s bodies and I wonder what lesbian sex would feel like. I never could experiment because of my environment: being openly lgbtq+ where I grew up was like suicide, yes, even in California. 

There were no resources and I was too ashamed to talk about it anyway. I just told people I was straight because I didn’t want them to know this part of me. But… I do love men, though. I really love men, actually. I think men are absolutely gorgeous. I fantasize about men all the time. Hell, I have a crush on a man right now. So, I thought I was bi for a while and then I started seeing nonbinary people with really beautiful bodies. Ran around in circles and I eventually landed on pansexual. It’s good to know that there’s a name for it, but I still hold back. I can’t picture myself with someone, no matter what gender they are, who knows how to put a handle on this… this… thing that is my libido. I can’t do anything with this.

What struggles have you had with your sexuality?

Way too many to list. Way too many. I guess the big one is just being comfortable with it, to the point of genuinely angering me. I reject my desires, like I don’t find them normal or pleasurable. I don’t find myself as all that attractive, either. When I was a teenager, no one ever made a pass on me. Girls didn’t like me, boys were either taken or they didn’t give a shit. I didn’t actually start getting looks until fairly recently, like two years ago.

I have this very distinct memory from high school—I don’t remember the context, may have been for spirit week, I have no clue—there was a day where we all had to dress up in either red, yellow, or green, like the stoplights: red for “taken”, green for single, and yellow for “talking”. I remember I used to have green pants and I wore those plus my Green Day shirt. I got to school… and I’m not exaggerating. I was the only person wearing green. I was just in a sea of red with a few yellow spots here and there. I remember people staring at me, too, like judging me, like, how fucking dare I walk around out here advertising my singleness. If I recall correctly, it wasn’t just students, either, I had a couple of teachers look at me funny, too.

In what ways do you nurture your personal sense of sexuality, and/or sexual relationships?

I draw. I write. …I live on a mountain top, 20 minutes away from a trump bastion. it’s not like I have a ton of options.

I like to wear jewel tones and low-slung jeans: I do not like high-waisted jeans or shorts because they cut me in half and bunch up around my crotch and my butt (every. single. time); I really just… don’t get the appeal and why everyone clutches at themselves at the mere mention of anything low-rise. I like camisoles. I like pajamas. I like underwear: as much as I cringe at the thought of wearing lingerie, I do like just wearing a bra, and I do have a teddy in my closet, too. I like to wear jeans: I have never felt good in a dress before. I dunno, it’s a bitch to walk around in and sit in, and I hate how the skirt always wants to blow up (I’ve lived in windy areas my whole life). After a shower, I let my hair hang down for a few hours before I brush it: if I haven’t showered in a few days, I comb my bangs up into this pompadour upon my head so I have this Elvis/Dennis Miller thing going until I feel like climbing in. I like tops that are low-cut and are a bit snug: I really don’t mind if they ride up my body a bit. I recently rediscovered my love of midriff tops! They are the only things to let me put the exception on high-waisted jeans.  Only makeup I have is chapstick and nail polish: when I was little, I’d put on lipstick and eyeshadow and mascara but I never could get into it, though. I always look over made. “You’d be so much prettier, though!” Heh, nope. Even just a little bit makes me look like I just walked out of the circus.

Write about your first sexual experiences. Interpret sexual experience any way like, even it’s about you first kiss.

(Resisting the urge to be angry, even though I kind of am annoyed just reading this)

I guess there was the first time I touched myself. I was in front of a mirror and I opened my legs and looked at myself there. I touched my clit the first time and I remember it really tickled me. I felt my labia and even stuck a finger or two in.

And then naturally, I got caught.

Write about your last sexual experience. How was it different from your first sexual experience?

I guess this could be the last time I touched myself: I was standing up and had my underwear on that time (just to play around a bit). Did very little but then I moved to my nipples and I was starting to go nuts a bit. I also tried between the legs again naked, with a shower head, and that really did something. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve gotten a lot more sensitive as I’ve gotten older.

What were you taught about sex as you grew up? What did you not know that you needed to know?

Sex ed from middle school onwards, plus I was told that guys just want to get in my pants by my drug addict father. I was never told about pleasure or anything good or that kinks are good or the range of sexual orientations or anything genuinely useful. Just your standard “insert penis into vagina, have babies” and that was it. I was also bombarded by these messages of “don’t be promiscuous or a slut, don’t get a reputation, no one will want you otherwise” and it was always in junction with being ladylike, too. Like, you HAVE TO BE LADYLIKE or no one will love you (gen z has adapted this ideology in worrying amounts, like nevermind triggering me for a second: you cannot tell me that this current generation is healthy when they adapt some of the most inhibitory behaviors ever). I also heard things like “if you have sex, you WILL get pregnant, FACT.” (i.e., the whole “men force abortion on women” thing that pro-life feminists claim is like science fiction to me)

How has your views of sex changed over time?

I guess i’m more aware of it and it’s not as alien to me, but that really isn’t saying much. 30 years old and I feel like I just scratched the surface.

Describe a sexual fantasy you have.

If I wrote it, and it has either a mature or explicit rating, it’s probably fantasy.

Turn a sexual experience into a piece of short fiction. Describe the setting. Use dialogue. Write erotic description.

Judge me forever.

Write about the best sex partner you have ever been with. Describe a special time together.

So… I’m a virgin. I really do feel like no one wants me and “they” were right.

What changes if any would you like to make about your sexual self?

I really want more confidence and freedom, and I’m so wary of saying that, too, because I know what the answer is going to be. It’s going to be this bullshit, hackneyed, so-called “advice” that’s only going to piss me off. I have felt so much shame about this fucking bullshit, that it’s a chore to even get out of bed. I hate my sexuality. I want it all changed so I don’t have to think about it anymore. But, aside from the changes in career, I have had my boundaries disrespected by family, friends, peers, classmates, everyone. Everyone apparently thinks it’s okay to invalidate my feelings and my choices, and that it’s okay to make fun of me when I change my mind and think it over again. 

Take my whole issue with makeup: I literally hate wearing makeup, and girls often asked me why I don’t wear it. “I just don’t,” and also “I don’t like the way it feels on my skin”. Cue the “there’s natural makeup” and the “you’d look so much prettier with it”. I GAVE YOU AN ANSWER.

Write a sexual confession to your partner or someone you admire. Be straight forward or as kinky as you would like.

So, this took me about an hour to write up because I initially came up dry and then I found myself in a very vulnerable position when I started thinking about what I… really wish I could tell you everything I feel about you. I have so much fear around how I feel about you, and I really, really don’t know how you’ll react to this should you ever see it. I’m not confident in my words. I could lose you. I could push you away. I think my desires are terrifying and gross, and I just don’t know what to say to you most of the time: really, I feel like I’m bullshitting with you all of the time because you’re so intelligent and cool and content and seem to have everything together… and I’m not. I feel like I’m just not worth your time most days: there are far more women out there who are far more interesting than me, women who are better than me, like they have degrees and they’re accomplished architects who refer to themselves as gypsies for some reason even though that word is a level of self-hatred i can’t even begin to fathom (i can’t explain it, either—and you heard this from me, too—but she’s gay. Think about it: talks about you in businesslike fashion, makes you visibly uncomfortable, talks down to other men and is lowkey too friendly to other women, obsessed with frivolous nonsense to where it feels like denial of something else, it’s closeted homosexuality). But what have I done?

I look into your eyes, those deep blue eyes, as deep as the Pacific Ocean. I look at your handsome face, how it gets more handsome when you’re smiling. I look at your beautiful hair, at how it’s two-toned and soft-looking: I look at your hair from when you were younger and I want to play with it. Don’t cut your hair short again: it was cute, but you look so gorgeous with long hair (it suits your face better, too). No, you don’t need to lose weight: you look so healthy and so cute with a little belly, and I want you to have it back. Eat up. Bring that cute little tummy back for me.

I think of kissing you there, touching you and holding you around your full waist, especially after you’ve eaten.

I think of cuddling with you—I love to cuddle and be warm and safe.

I think of touching you below the belt, of feeling and fondling you there: I have often considered that belly rubs lead to handjobs, and belly kisses lead to blowjobs. I think of you doing the same to me: that velvet tongue on the insides of my thighs; those long fingers on my clit or around the rim of my belly button or around my nipples, those soft cherry lips on my skin…

I think of making out with you, just really slow, soft, sensual love-making where we’re close and feeling each other.

I think about some of the erotic fics I’ve penned about you, especially the really kinky ones, and I can’t help but want a few of them to come to life (like voice kink: I meant it when I said I love your voice).

I think of role playing with you: you’re the hot professor, especially now that you have glasses. Or we’re vampires or merfolk.

I also just think of kissing you, giving you a little peck on the cheek for being such a sweetie. You’re kind of everything that I’ve dreamed of, everything I love in another person, and if I’m being honest, you don’t even seem real sometimes because you really are that perfect to me.

What would you like to learn about your sexual self?

Why do I never attract the types that I like—I’ll admit it, too, I have a type (boys with long hair, artistic types who are liberal but have an open mind, smart ones, sweet ones, kind of round ones, curvy women, slender women, women with dyed hair, women with something unusual about them like bright eyes with dark skin). My facebook is littered with people I have no connection with, like there’s only a few that I really do consider friends. Why do I have so much shame.

What part of your sexuality seems the most mysterious to you?

Those lesbian thoughts I keep having. Even with as much as I love men, I can’t help but feel aroused by women as well.

And also why I keep coming back to this. Why did I keep my incredibly high sex drive under wraps when sexual energy is incredibly powerful.

The shame. Why is there shame. Why did you make this. How is this even possible.

When you hesitate to write something, what reminder can you give yourself to be as completely honest as you can, both factually and emotionally?

“I have nothing to compare myself to”. And “what are you waiting for, a bus?”

What, if anything, about sex distresses you?

I worry about getting pregnant, and I’ve always known that this is why I’m so bored with regular old penetrative sex, and why I feel genuinely repulsed by the affluence of it in fanfic: it’s the weirdest thing to me, it’s like everyone has baby fever, whereas I don’t want children. Plus, I’m just genuinely grossed out by the thought of being filled with cum.

My poor stomach has been through a lot, too: I worry about having to run to the bathroom because my own erotic tendencies are sending my digestive system into overdrive.

The pervasive feeling that i’ll never have it, either. I’m a virgin at 30. Most 30 year olds have had it several times, i’m lucky to have some rando on the street even look at me.

What change would you like to make in your sexual behavior?

Confidence.

What change would you like to make in your sexual attitudes or thoughts?

I wish I could be more open with them and not feel like they’re weird or gross.

What change would you like to make in your sexual emotions or feelings?

Same story there. I don’t want pain, either.

What memories came to mind from the previous questions?

Let’s see… my crying to my dad about feeling lost after I moved back to California and him being incredibly insensitive and telling me to “exude confidence” and accusing me of being an alcoholic (when I can easily tell you that I’m not) rather than be a shoulder to cry on, listen to me and give me space and tell me I’m not wrong for feeling this way. You know. Be a man and comfort the most important woman in your life.

All the times I was asked “why do you do this?” and I’d give a legit answer and then they would respond with unsolicited advice or opinions.

The phrase “raunchy side” *shudders* and feeling incredibly powerless in her wake.

This isn’t sexual, but one time, I cried in front of my paternal grandmother and she rolled her eyes at me. That side of the family just never cared about me.

All the times I showed any emotion and no one knew how to react… or worse, they wouldn’t leave me alone to the point of harassing me.

Nothing good or happy.

What do you like most about your current partner? Least?

I’m a virgin. Also, HEY. CAN WE PLEASE STOP USING THE WORD “PARTNER”I AM GENUINELY TRIGGERED BY THIS WORD.

Make three (or more) sexual wishes. Don't hold back!

I wish I could talk about this freely. I wish I was hot. I wish I was accepted. I wish I belonged. I wish I didn’t have to worry. I wish I couldn’t feel hysterical laughter whenever I say I’m a virgin.

Make a list of your sexual partners and write a few phrases to describe the relationship. What patterns do you see?

After years of research, I finally came to the perfect scientific conclusion: I’m a fucking virgin.

If you have a sexual partner now, write about this relationship. What works for you in this sexual relationship? What would you like to change?

Boy, you know, my hand not only does things to my clit and tits, but it can also become a fist to break the face of whoever implores the regular use of a clinical, completely loveless and soulless word like “partner”.

Describe what your ideal sexual relationship would look like today.

I’d say maybe something with polyamory given I’m polyamorous, but that’s about where it starts and ends, though. I don’t know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like (I know what an unhealthy relationship looks like, so I guess … healthy is just the opposite? I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.)

If you have been sexually dissatisfied, what has kept you in the relationship?

Doesn’t apply. I’m embarrassed.

Are you able to ask your partner for what you want sexually? How do you do that?

The two times I have ever been out on a date, plus the time I cybered, I had the absolute worst time telling them about what I wanted, mainly because I couldn’t. The dates were first dates: even I can tell you that you don’t reveal too much too soon because that can push them away. It wasn’t like I could tell them anyway. But the second date, i.e., the time I was fixed up, I could feel that pressure, like… if this went past the first day, I would have to tell him. And I had no connection with him. He was more interested in socializing with my stepdad than getting to know me (and the second he walked through the front door, I thought, “nope, this is not going to be anything special.”) so I was literally bored and awkward sitting there next to him.

As for the time I cybered… I’m just going to assume that the first time is always awkward.

If you have difficulty asking for what you want, what are you telling yourself that makes asking difficult?

“Will they really know what I’m talking about?” and: “is this really what I want?”

What are your sexual limits with your partner?

I don’t want to be filled with cream. No, I’m completely turned off at the thought of being pregnant. I’m almost mortified by it, actually: use a condom or pull out, or let’s use our hands or mouths.

I like a little pain… not too much, though. I like little nibbles or scratches down the back, or spanking.

None of that “daddy” nonsense, either.

Don’t ever call me your “partner”, either, i fucking hate that word now. I want to know when it was normalized because it’s so sterile and cold and influencer-y. Call me that and I’ll straight up leave you.

What sexual behavior won't you do or would do only under certain conditions? Write about those to clarify your boundaries.

(see the tidbit with pain) Please don’t overdo it. My body is actually very sensitive and too much pain is too much.

As repulsed as I am by the idea of having penetrative sex, if there’s protection involved, I actually might reconsider.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BE PATIENT WITH ME. I’M DUMB AND TRAUMATIZED, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING.

I don’t like it too rough: I’m slow and sensual for the most part, but a little quickness goes a long way if I think about it.

In what way might your relationship with your partner deepen or improve by talking openly about sex?

Hang-ups about… noonewantingtobeinarelationshipwithme aside, I really feel like an open conversation could help a relationship. For me, it’s a “make or break” type thing: if they aren’t comfortable with it, they probably aren’t for you. If they’re curious, but they’re like me and they aren’t comfortable at all with this stuff or they’re not sure or comfortable (to the point they hate) their sexuality, make them feel safe. Put your arm around them and help them because it’s very daunting, especially when you see they’re alone because everyone is either disrespectful and patronizing or “too busy”. Make it make sense for them.

Can you recall your first discovery of sexual fantasy? What was it about?

All I know is I was very young and I didn’t understand what was happening, either.

Write out three of your favorite sexual fantasies. If this is new to you, make one up now.

Yuck fou. Yuck fou again. Yuck fou some more.

How have you used your sexual fantasies up until now?

Haven’t. Can’t.

What began as a fantasy that you later took into action?

The time I told Alex I’m in love with his voice. It was way before I wrote voice kink one shot in eclipse, too. That one in particular was so much fun to write—kind of tricky, but fun, though.

What sexual fantasies work the best to arouse you?

I was pretty aroused writing Chave do Mar: Alex as a merman with a long shark tail, smooth milky skin, and black curls tousled over his shoulder. Same with Blood & Chocolate, too: Alex being over fed and it shows up on his body. The Black Orchid scenes from now it’s dark were pretty hot, too, when I think back to writing them: Joey surrounded by burlesque strippers.

Have you shared your sexual fantasies with a friend? What was the reaction?

…it’s pretty across the board.

Have you shared your sexual fantasies with a lover? What was the reaction?

I don’t know if I could be courageous enough to do that.

How important is it for you to share your sexual fantasies? What are your reasons for sharing or not? Does sharing fantasies break their "spell"?

You know that fanfic meme that talks about writing your dream fanfic filled with all your fantasies and dreams but choosing not to and keeping it locked away in your mind because you want it to yourself? Yeah, I don’t relate to that at all. I write them out because I want to make sense of them for the most part. I honestly don’t care if no one sees them, either, because I’ve never really seen my fantasies as all that mystifying: just these weird little scenes that roll around inside me and whether they face the light of day is up to me. I don’t write them out to arouse me, either: just to make sense of them. I literally don’t care, they’re stupid and pointless and painfully unsexy.

What, if anything, do you find distressing about your sexual thoughts or fantasies? Write about that to clarify it for yourself.

I don’t think they’re special or gossip-worthy or revolutionary or life-changing. They just… are what they are.

I think the one thing that’s distressing about them is how they almost always have an element of science fiction to them: I live in an imaginary world and to bring these out would defy the laws of science. They’re just not physically possible.

If you could say three things to the world about the nature of your personal sexuality and really be heard, understood, and accepted, what would you say?

I’m queer, plus I’m pansexual and polyamorous. Get used to it.

Please respect my boundaries and my choices. I don’t wear makeup because I just don’t want to, I didn’t ask for you to goad me into it because you think I’ll look prettier. I don’t wear dresses because I just don’t want to, I didn’t ask for you to tell me I look prettier when I wear one.

Make me feel safe and comfortable because… I never have felt safe to express this part of me. I have always felt judged, looked down upon, and made to feel small. We’re supposedly all about supporting women and their agency, demands, desires, et cetera… stop picking and choosing. What turns me on and what I find sexy is going to be radically different to what you find sexy and this does not give you the right to laugh at me or call it “cute” when I don’t intend it to be.

When was the first time you experienced feelings of arousal and what triggered those feelings? What did you think of it at the time? What was your emotional response to those feelings?

Like I said, I was very small. May have been from me sitting in front of the mirror and touching myself, I have no clue. I didn’t understand what was happening, either, or why the adults in the room freaked the fuck out over it, either.

The first time I wore a shirt that showed off my belly is another one: I was like four or five, and it felt right to me.

Describe your first sexual encounter. How old were you? Was it consensual? If not, what resources have you used to help heal from that encounter? If it was consensual, what did that experience mean to you at the time?

So, I’ve talked about this, how it was cybersex that started life as a tangent during a serious conversation in the wake of tragedy, and—it almost didn’t mean anything to me at the time, especially since it quite literally started as a joke to lighten the mood a bit. Almost, anyway: I didn’t see it as this huge deal like, “oh my gorsh, I just had cybersex!!” But at the same time, I’m always hesitant to talk about it because it hinges on something bad happening (Dan Wheldon was killed and the boy I talked to saw him as his hero, and I talked with him for hours, and it went the way it did). This is something that’s showed up in a number of my fanfics, and it has gotten me called disgusting, too.

Who was your first romantic, sexual partner? What about him or her appealed most to you? What did you hope would happen with that relationship?

I wish I could answer this. Aside from the above, I’ve never had a boyfriend. Almost 30 years old and I have never even been kissed. I’ll admit it, it’s pathetic. I got sick and tired of hearing “oh, you’ll find love some day” when I was 17, and now I know in my heart it won’t ever happen. Really, I could have confidence through the fucking roof and no one will want any of this. Whoever said “everyone has sex” has obviously never met me. It’s so exploitative, too: this unfair assumption that way too many people have had about me and it only makes me hate myself. (Why is that always the response to someone saying they’re single, too? It’s like, i’m just stating a fact, I didn’t ask for you to be fortune teller.)

Do you believe that sex and emotional intimacy are linked, or is it possible to have a sexual relationship without emotional attachment? What experiences influence your answer?

Linked but not exclusive, though. Casual sex is a thing, plus you can be emotionally attached but not want it; don’t believe everything you see on Twitter (especially now fucking hell). Just… my own observations about this.

If you could have the perfect sex life right now, what would that look like?

Something that lets me go about with my polyamory, I guess? I’m able to be with a man and a woman, or two men and a woman. (I’m just pulling stuff out of my ass here, tbh).

How do you define “awesome” sex (i.e. what makes sex better than good)?

Give me everything I want and maybe something the other person likes, like we’re all pleased—notice I said “all” and not just “both”.

How do you feel about PDA? (You can take this as far as “kinks in public,” too.)

Can’t stand it. Can’t stand seeing it, can’t stand the thought of it happening to me (insecurity and hang-ups might have something to do with that when I think about it), some things are just better left in private. As for kinks in public, though? I don’t know, that seems a bit much.

What do you think about when you masturbate?

Last time I did, I didn’t think about anything other than if I was doing it right.

What are your sure-fire turn-ons (and/or turn-offs)?

Turn-ons: touches on my head (you know when you get a haircut and they wash your hair really well beforehand? No joke, that genuinely arouses me). Touches on my breasts, especially my dark-ass nipples. Touches on my belly, especially around my belly button because it’s technically scar tissue. Fingers on my lips—not sure about tongues, though. Touches on my thighs and my knees (yes). Touches on my ankles. I like soft touch. I like being held. I like fantasy. I like intelligence. I like sweetness. I’m all about feeling and being close.

What are your thoughts about porn?

I still don’t see it as exploitative. One complaint I do have with it is unrealistic expectations. No guy is like that. No girl is like that.

What are your thoughts on foreplay? Favorite types? Best experiences? Wishes?

It’s so underrated. A few kisses or hickeys on a sensitive spot like on the neck or the belly, or fingers on the labia and lips on the thighs can take you a long way, and I can say that just from my own writing.

What parts of your lover’s body are you most drawn to? (If you don’t currently have a lover, feel free to consider past or future lovers.)

“Lover” is another pathetically overused word. My eyes have always wandered to the middle of the body, their belly their hips and their thighs. I like it when it’s nice and slender, like I want to put arms around them there and feel them up, and of course, I like it when it’s a little full and round there (like a nice chubby little belly but he’s healthy as a horse). I like a little chub, and I think some people just look a lot better with it: it makes me want to touch and feel, and they look kind of… I want to say “juicy”. Looking nice and tasty—

If you were to “recreate” the early days of your favorite sexy relationship, what would they look like? Would you change anything?

It’s weird to think that I can actually answer this: I don’t think I would change anything. Maybe I could have been a little more upfront with him about how I feel about him earlier on because I just think about that one night in March-ish 2021, but there was a point to that, though. I wanted to ease into it, and there had to be some sort of opportunity to find with him because I see people hitting on him all the time, and I always think I’m being inappropriate with him, oh my god 🫣. 

The beauty of it being online is it’s kind of the whole entire point to it. 

Really, if Alex and I take it offline, we lose the clandestine nature of watching each other on stories or him fanboying over me like he’s a teenage kid again. Although I will say this: if it’s taken offline, given I’m a cuddler and very touchy-feely and sensual… I don’t know about him, but…

What do you want more of in your sex life?

A sex life? But, you know, now that I write this out, like really write it out over and over and over again and not really come up with anything better, i feel bored by the whole sex thing. I have a crazy amount of shame that ruminating on it makes me physically sick, and I feel stuck inside of it, like I can’t get rid of it.  I feel like I’m boring and underwhelming, like you would think that someone who identifies as pansexual and polyamorous and has a high sex drive would have at least one conquest but… I’ve just never been respected or built up or even seen. Plus, there’s this whole thing about how women are not supposed to chase, either.

Would you ever visit a sex therapist? What would be the reason and what do you think their advice would be for you?

I’m on the fence. No, because my only real problem is the feeling of safety and wanting to be comfortable. And yes because sometimes a second opinion can help.

Is there anything about sex that embarrasses you, causes shame or fear, or makes you nervous? Or…what’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you during sex?

My fear of pregnancy plus I worry about shitting myself.

Just the act itself. I literally can’t imagine anyone being that crazy about me, like I am not beautiful, I am not sexy… and I hate the expectation that comes with those words, like “you’re a woman! Be beautiful and sexy 24/7!” Fuck off. I could go away right now and no one would care or wonder what it would have been like to make love to me or toss a dick in me.

That first time you’re naked in front of them strikes me as nerve-racking, too, like that’s the moment of truth right there: when they see you naked the first time.

What do you tend to fantasize or dream about when it comes to sex? What kinds of porn or kink are you drawn to?

My fantasies are very sensual, almost artsy. There’s a lot of emotion involved, too, even if it’s casual, I still imagine so much emotion in there.

If you were to create a sexy playlist intended for a hot date at home, what would be on it?

So I tried this out yesterday and I got distracted by Queens of the Stone Age’s new album. I have never made a sexy playlist before so I wouldn’t know where to start.

What are your love languages and how do they apply to your sexual needs? What about your lover?

30% physical touch, 27% quality time, 20% words of affirmation, 13% gift giving, 10% acts of service (may have changed a little since I checked that but it sounds about right).

I want touch and time but no one is touching or spending time with me. My needs are a joke.

How do you feel about being naked?

No opinion. It just … is what it is. I don’t fixate on flaws (I never could, either, even with my troubled relationship with myself), nor do I see it as a beautiful thing: it just it what it is. I take care of myself but that’s about it. What do you do with it. Why is this controversial. 

Now, when I think about being naked with someone else, look the other way.

What’s your favorite way to be seduced?

You put your guitar on your lap, you brush your hair really nice, you have this little twinkle in your eye like you’re up to no good or you’re secretly going commando out of camera, you have a glass of wine in hand, and you talk in a very soft, husky voice when I ask you about your underwear.

Do you have any trust issues surrounding sex or your sexual relationship(s)?

A feeling of safety is a running theme here. I want to feel safe and comfortable… and I never have felt safe enough to even so much as look at a guy or a girl.

What do you look like, and sound like, when sex feels good for you?

Whenever I write something erotic, every so often I have to stop myself and close my eyes because I feel things moving. I get really quiet (everyone talks about screaming during sex: I’m the exact opposite, I get really quiet) and my hands start itching for the feeling. I bite my lip a lot, too—sometimes I do that without even thinking, like it just happens. It’s a long slow burn with me. And yes: I feel guilty afterwards.

What is the most sexually daring thing you’ve ever done?

Flirted with Alex on stories. I’ve always sucked at flirting (I once went for five years without flirting with anyone because I suck so hard at it), let alone with a guy like him. I love calling him “baby” especially, because he’s sweet and precious like a little baby boy.

Flirted with Eric on stories (I called him “big guy”) and got him to take a selfie from the toilet. Wish I was making that up.

I asked “are we going to see a Jeff Becerra OnlyFans any time soon?” and mf literally replied with “only if the price is right” and the eggplant emoji.

Any time I post risqué art on instagram because they’re complete pricks with that sort of thing.

When now it’s dark was being written and I posted those ink drawings on instagram (completely oblivious to the fact Joey was watching me).

There was also one time in school one of my friends had his pants hanging down a bit and I tried to pants him and he caught me. I did get to pinch his butt when no one was looking, though.

In your opinion, what does it mean to be good in bed?

When everyone is pleased and had their kinks out in the open. I think.

Have you ever had sex in a public place?

Sarcasm aside, why would I do this?

When and how did you lose your virginity, and how did you feel about it? How do you feel about it now?

I’ll probably die a virgin. 

Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time, watched others have sex, been watched? If not, would you?

I’m polyamorous so I’d definitely try it. As for voyeurism… maybe I’d like to be watched? Don’t know about watching others, though.

How often do you masturbate and what works best for you?

I go for long stretches of time without doing it, because I get bored with it. I’ve done it sitting down, standing up, on my back, stooped over, topless, with my pants on, in the shower, in bed… all with my fingers. Toys are one of my biggest hang ups: I used a vibrator one time and I threw it away immediately because it made me uncomfortable. At least with my fingers, I know where it’s coming from. But toys? I don’t know, I’m not really excited by the thought of sticking a piece of silicone or glass or plastic up a very delicate part of my body. I’ve thought about it, for sure, because I’ve changed since that first time.

Maybe I’m just not trying enough, but I look at some on lingerie sites like Spencer’s or wherever, and I shake my head in disgust.

“Find one that’s best for you”, they tell me. Yeah, but nothing here is jumping out at me. 

What are you most grateful or thankful for in your sex life?

Can’t say that I’m grateful at all. I’m all about finding joy and pleasure, and I have never found it here. Oh, yeah, i’m totally grateful for something that brings me so much shame that it makes my chest hurt and makes it hard to even get out of bed some days. Oh, yeah, totally grateful for the judgements, the dirty looks, the snickers, the condescension, the guilt, the horrible feelings where there should be pleasure and confidence, what have you.

What is your favorite sexual position, and why?

Officially don’t know anymore.

Have you ever had an “inappropriate” crush? What was it about that person that drew you in, and what made it “not okay”?

All my crushes have been inappropriate lol

They all have been either older, or unavailable in some way like already taken or not interested.

I was never drawn to people at my school, so I looked beyond the borders: older people fit that bill for me.

Have you (or would you) ever tried role play? What roles are you drawn to?

I like fantasy and scifi characters (see my merfolk and vampire kinks; aliens and robots, too), and—you can blame you-know-who for this, too—I like the “sexy nerd” trope, too (the hot librarian or the hot scientist or the hot professor).

Are you more dominant or submissive (or a bit of both)?

I’d say “domme” but I’m definitely both. Yes, even with as much as I hate the female role and find it restrictive, there’s a sub in me.

How do you feel about your own body?

My hair, though very long, down to the halfway point of my thighs, is very thin at the crown of my head. I’m starting to grow out my bangs and I’m starting to get this Winona Ryder c. Beetlejuice look now.

I have a large head. A round face. Sharp eyebrows akin to Madonna or Zendaya’s eyebrows. A small nose. Brown eyes and coarse, wiry dark hair with blonde streaks and a reddish sheen. A thick bull neck and a slight double under my rounded chin. I get this weird growth of hair under my chin—weird because it’s like a Fu Manchu sort of thing in that it grows in two patches. Yeah, under my chin, too, so it’s a bitch to pluck.

Broad shoulders with soft collar bones. Lanky arms with slightly warped forearms—first time i gave blood, the nurse had to stick the needle in almost over the joint rather than in the pivot of my elbow; “knock-elbowed” as my mom calls it. Chubby little hands that are almost like paws. Soft skin but I can’t picture anyone wanting to touch it, though.

40ddd chest. A belly covered in stretch marks and was round even when I was thin: it’s even fuller and rounder now. Wide hips and thick thighs—my whole body is thick, though, my measurements are (get ready to faint) 54-43-57. I gain weight easily, almost way too easily—now you know the source of my anorexia and extreme angst.

My lips are small. And plain. Like any man’s dick is going to be a good fit.

I got fat knees. My lower legs are nothing to write home about, neither are my ankles. Slender, bony feet with toes that look like they just came off someone else’s feet.

This body is… I don’t know. Parents called me beautiful but if my piss-poor track record with my peers and crushes and this whole thing here is anything to go by… it should be clear that I have trouble seeing this myself. I only started actually getting hit on very recently, and looking at my appearance when I was a teenager, I did not look good at all. It makes sense that no one ever made a pass on me and I was the only one wearing green.

How sorry do you have to feel for a person having sex with you?

Kind of want to say “not at all”, really want to say “sorrier than sorry”, but I’m a virgin so I have no idea.

Could someone know you sexually, properly know you, and still like you?

If you know me sexually, would you be willing to like me?

#text #journaling #sexuality

[astronartists-writes]

Helloooo:)

May i request a Twice reaction to their Fem! s.o being protective of them?(like in a healthy way, not possessive)

Have a good day:3

a/n: i was so excited when you sent me this because it was super early that i got this from when i posted everything else.

hope this turned out okay!

Masterlist

TWICE with a protective s/o

TW: mentions of sasaengs, mentioned worries about toxicity

CW: none! :)

fem!reader, race unspecified :)

Park Jihyo

when you first showed her your protectiveness, she was a little worried that you might end up being overbearing

but as time went by, and you were super chill about her living her own life, she realized that you weren’t someone she should be concerned about.

you were perceptive to her feelings, so the second she seemed uncomfortable, you would shoot a nasty glare at whatever was making her feel so

usually it was sasaengs

sometimes it was her stage outfits

the glare was always the first warning

if the glare didn’t work on people, you’d wrap an arm around her as a second warning.

if those warnings didn’t work, you’d start responding in place of Jihyo, your tone flat and dismissive

she thought it was hilarious

it eased any anxiety she might feel

because The Glare can’t really work on an outfit,

you would usually offer her your jacket, or would carry a small blanket around to cover her legs with while she sits

you always made sure to ask if she wanted your jacket or the blanket, giving her a choice of rejection

she’s an independent adult, and you treated her as such

you’ve got her back, and she feels safe when you’re around.

Im Nayeon

i feel like nayeon would be protective of her s/o as well,

so you being protective wouldn’t faze her.

it’s just natural

you always asked her if she was feeling uncomfortable with something, and did everything you could to help her fix it if she was

you could honestly be her personal security guard, you were that effective.

you once practically threw a bitch that was getting a little too close, and she was scared at the time, but laughed a lot when the video surfaced

all of twice’s stage outfits are kind of ridiculous sometimes, and you often complained about the discomfort of not only nayeon, but the other members as well

you knew how uncomfortable clothing that showed a lot of skin could be — especially short skirts,

so you empathized, even going to managers to ask if it was really necessary for the members to wear certain things

she felt very loved when you showed her your protectiveness, and always made sure to make you feel loved, too

Yoo Jeongyeon

personally feeling very protective of jeongyeon right now, hope she’s feeling lots better

so you make sure to give her plenty of space, asking questions once, and not pressuring her for an answer if she couldn’t give you one.

you treated her the way you treated everyone else,

only really being protective of the way people spoke to and/or about her

if you felt something was uncalled for, you immediately told the person who said it off,

sometimes you ordered them to apologize,

sometimes you told them calmly that what they said wasn’t very nice, and gave them a disapproving stare

tbh, not many instances happened where you had to tell them off,

so you tried to express your care for her in other ways

like making her food, getting her tea, sharing your clothes

jeongyeon would tell you clearly if you were to cross a boundary, and you would immediately make sure to never cross it again in order to avoid being possessive

she felt comfortable with you

you never once made her feel bad for not liking something, or not wanting something to be done,

so she was able to openly communicate with you with little to no fears

Hirai Momo

momo liked the two of you doing your own thing for the most part

being independent together was nice

she liked being able to depend on each other for things as well, though

like emotional support, and someone to always have her back

one of her favorite things was seeing you get protective

it usually happened at the smaller things, not the bigger things because you couldn’t be around for many of the big things

like if a bee or a wasp got too close to her, you were right there to move her out of the way

if you saw her shoelace untied, you’d get down and tie it for her so she wouldn’t trip

if you saw someone look at her in a way you didn’t like, you would put an arm around her out of the need to make sure they didn’t try anything harmful

she wasn’t helpless, but it felt nice to show her she could rely on you if she needed to.

Minatozaki Sana

because of her cuteness, you often felt very protective of her

however, we all know that sana is not innocent

she’s an adult, y’know

anyway

at first, she was a little irritated at how protective you could be

you were far more obvious about it than subtle

after a while, she got used to it, and thought about how you didn’t question her choices

you didn’t even try to control her

she liked it a lot

you liked to latch onto her arm in public when there were a lot of people, and she enjoyed holding your waist, poking you in the side every once in a while to get a cute little giggle out of you

the display of protection she liked the most was you tugging down a skirt if you thought it was riding up too much

she liked that you didn’t want anyone to even see the safety shorts, especially when you explained that you just didn’t want her to feel embarrassed if someone posted pictures online

usually when you did something protective, you tried to make it playful.

every once in a while, you’d poke her butt when you pulled her dress down

Myoui Mina

you weren’t protective of her too often because she’s not a very social person,

but you took every opportunity you could

mostly on days she was on stage or doing other activities and you were with her

she stayed home the rest of the time, and while she used to be mostly alone, having you around was something much appreciated

because you were mostly in the safety of your own home, you usually were protective about comments on the internet

she would look through them for things she could improve on — some people left some pretty good constructive criticism

but there would always be hate comments

it’s something to expect from being in the industry

not everyone is going to like you, and the people who don’t can be very cruel

she had learned to mostly not take comments about her personally,

but if you happened to glance at what she was doing out of curiosity and found a comment you didn’t like,

you’d get a little peeved

you’d tell her that she should mute those comments so she wouldn’t see them anymore

this resulted in a very brief argument, where you quickly apologized for the misunderstanding

and explained that you just didn’t want her to feel bad

she thought about it a little and nodded, thanking you for the concern, but explaining that the comments didn’t really get to her

so you’d shyly request to read them with her, dragging the people that left mean comments through the dirt

it made her laugh

if someone dared to say something about her in front of you, though... all hell would break loose.

your protectiveness in public only occurred when the members were being mobbed

you’d hold her hand to make sure she didn’t get pulled away, shooting glares every which way.

your protectiveness made her laugh in private, and made her feel safe in public

Kim Dahyun

you only really protected dahyun when she was frightened or startled at first

which was quite frequent

but after a while, you found yourself saying you’d go before her in things she was nervous about

and then even in things she wasn’t nervous about

the urge to keep her safe was just really strong at that point

she was never actually bugged about it

she liked having a doting girlfriend to hide behind

she even stepped in a few times when you looked nervous, too, eager to keep you feeling safe

she would not be able to do much for you while at high places, though

so even if you were also scared, you’d just clutch her hand and shakily walk with her across area that seemed sketchy.

she gave you a kiss every time you stopped,

and that motivated you enough to keep going

after the hell of high places, she wouldn’t let go of you, trying to show you just how grateful she was by praising you and comforting you

you didn’t feel so scared at the end of it, though

she was grateful for your protectiveness, and was just as protective of you

Son Chaeyoung

she is tiny, so it would be easier to lose her in a crowd than others

she’s responsible enough to not get lost, but you liked to hold her hand just in case

our chaengie is playful,

and so sometimes she’s a little bit too focused on messing around with you to notice potential danger

like a car coming down the narrow road

so you’d tug her out of the way, continuing your conversation without another thought

she usually payed a lot of attention to her surroundings, so the fact that she didn’t realize there was a car was surprising.

you didn’t mention it because you were just keeping her safe, but she was very flustered

if the weather suddenly got colder than expected, you always had a hoodie and a jacket on you

as soon as you saw her shivering,

you’d shed your jacket and hoodie, handing the hoodie to her wordlessly before putting your jacket back on.

you didn’t want her to get sick

she never gave that hoodie back, but she always brought it with her after that.

when people had you on edge, you wouldn’t leave her side

if they were decidedly too much, you’d hold her hand,

and if you really didn’t like a person, you’d straight up just tug her away from them with you (if they followed, you’d totally bark at them)

Chaeyoung found your protectiveness romantic, and wouldn’t trade it for anything

Chou Tzuyu

Tzuyu can hold her own pretty well

she can be quiet, and intimidating, so you weren’t actually protective in a way that people other than her could see

you stayed next to her when you were together, keeping it normal looking if she seemed endangered by anyone

if she needed to get out of a situation, she’d tap your wrist two times and you would get her out of there by any means.

she wasn’t allowed to be mean because of her job, but you could be as mean as you felt needed

another way you were protective was reporting harmful comments and/or posts to JYP directly

always under an anonymous alias

sometimes the two of you would end up looking through rumors and laughing at the ridiculous ones

like a secret boyfriend

that one you screenshot and sent to Tzuyu, who sent it to the group chat for the TWICE members so you could all scoff at it

when you asked if she felt overwhelmed by anything you did, she denied it

she felt comfortable when she was around you. she found your protectiveness sweet.

#twice reactions #twice jihyo #twice nayeon #twice jeongyeon #twice momo #twice sana #twice mina #twice dahyun #twice chaeyoung #twice tzuyu #twice x reader #jihyo x reader #nayeon x reader #jeongyeon x reader #momo x reader #sana x reader #mina x reader #dahyun x reader #chaeyoung x reader #tzuyu x reader

[honeybunhalo]

Kara/Lena adopt Superboy AU Notes (Part 1)

I’m finally delivering on the content for this Supercorp AU

This is a Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor and Superboy (Kon-El) centric story. Specifically focused on exploration of one's identity and how you define yourself with the many aspects of your life and choices you made as well as what you consider important and precious to you. The effects of being constrained by how you were born and finding those who love you for who you are and don't ask you to change the core of your being to fit in. — this is not an action packed story at all.

Here are some of the ideas I have for this or things I thought Kon had in common with Lena and Kara that I find compelling.

Lena concepts:

Lena gets to know another Luthor, her biological nephew, who isn’t a trash person and is someone to not just for her to protect but who’s existence assures her that it isn’t blood that makes someone bad and maybe she isn’t so different from other people and she’s not “irredeemable”. Sometimes he reminds her of her older brother when he was kind to her growing up. Likewise, everyone usually sees the Lex in Kon as an inherently bad thing and thus he learns to hide it and hate himself for it. Lena presents an alternate because she remembers bittersweetly a simpler time when she looked up to her brother. Not everyone sees the Luthor genes in him as a threat, Lena finds it comforting to be able to help someone like her in a way she was never helped as a young girl. 

Lena thinks she can’t interact with kids well, much less the kid Lex had grown in a lab, but she totally warms up to him and can talk to him about familial rejection (via Clark) and if it’s because he’s a Luthor and if that makes him wrong. Is it because he’s artificial? Is it because he’s some strange illegitimate lab child? Smothering this kid with love and protection.

Plus Kon is like Kara in more than just being kryptonian but also in dorkiness. Lena’s life is just trying to wrangle an overpowered golden retriever and her lab puppy. She can’t stay mad at them for long.

Lena finding she is capable of loving and being loved and being with Kara makes it harder to ignore the crush she has on Kara. They talk together about love and acceptance now they have a shared kid they don’t want to hide personal things from that could later hurt him and many things become open secrets in their now shared house. Soon enough, it becomes obvious she needs to be truthful with Kara about her own feelings for her. 

Lena could learn about the difficulties of hiding being an alien that Kara had to deal with and the onslaught and exhaustion of developing powers in young kryptonians. She gets to see first hand what it does to a child and wonders how that must have affected Kara’s emotional development and sense of self. 

Lillian and Lex won’t get anywhere near this kid if Lena has something to say about it. Lena knows what it’s like to be the odd one out in a family and for people to reject you for simply existing from other people's sins

Kara concepts:

Kara recounts how she felt like a failure waking up on earth to find out Kal had grown up without her. Now she can maybe make peace with that by taking in Kon even if everything that motivates her choices with him is primarily for kons sake. 

Kara can share with another person krypton's history and culture which is something she’s had to keep seperate from her primary identity for years now *cough* it’s almost like she’s an immigrant who has to hide her identity and culture to be accepted and you could use that in the story *cough* 

Kon lived through being created as a lab rat and the only living experiment left. Kara could sympathize with his own grief from her experience with survivors’ guilt. 

Being open with Kon so that he doesn’t feel that same overwhelming pressure when she was told to hide with a human family also gives room for Lena to learn more about the world Kara came from beyond what she knows from interviews from Superman. Having Kara speak openly about her life on Krypton is much more personal and feels much more real than any article could do. 

Teaching Kon how best to control his powers and her and Lena being able to have the resources for him to do so safely 

Alex is very alarmed by the new addition to the family, mostly because how shitty Clark was in relation to the kid. From her perspective, this is not the first time the guy has dumped an unwanted kryptonian child on someone else’s doorstep. Whatever, she gets to buy leather jackets for her new nephew and be scary overprotective of him. “I don’t care if you think you’re nearly invulnerable at your age, do you have ANY IDEA what type of trouble your mother got us into when we were growing up? Or even when she just started hero work?”

Conner Kon-Cepts:

His sort-of-aunts can be his adoptive moms and be much better to him than his biological dads ever were to him in the comic canon. Kon actually being allowed to be close to other Superman family members!!! I need it like the air I breathe. Kon could get to know a Luthor that isn’t trying to hurt him or use him. Someone who defies part of why (Kon thinks) Superman could never accept a thing like him. 

(I have too many things to say to put in a brief bullet point just know that he’s my fav little boy and I think that he deserves parents who would love him unconditionally and Lena and Kara deserve to live a slower life where they can be cute and domestic)

(If he’s raised by these two then I can give a solid reason as to why we just ignore all the blatant misogynistic and horny writing from the 90s comics that made me really uncomfortable and didn’t completely fit with his given backstory especially with how over the top the specialization was. It helps make up for that)

Kon has to deal with being constantly compared to his two genetic fathers mirroring how Kara and Lena both are constantly being compared to Superman and Lex Luthor as they are the female counterparts of those two more infamous members in their respective families

Kara and Kon have very complementary stories and could become what the other needs to fill a hole in each of their hearts. Canon is way too personally tragic. I’d rather have a bittersweet world that’s also soft so I can spend more time with slow paced character analysis.

(In the beginning, Kon’s much more timid given he’s still so young and is coping with being rejected by superman. The tone at the beginning of the story is very serious. As the story unfolds, kon will loosen up to be goofier like his comic counterparts personality)

Both Clark and Lex don’t deserve this kid in any way. If all they are gonna do is mistreat or neglect him in their own ways, Kon is better off with his aunts. 

Conclusion:

Kara and Lena can be happy together by fully trusting themselves with each other in domestic bliss for once AND Kon doesn’t have to cry his eyes out knowing he’s an unwanted experiment child who is “undeserving” of family and home who never got to experience childhood

Everyone who's always saying “you can’t trust a Luthor” better shut their trap when Kara walks in with Kon-El Luthor, her newly adopted son, and her fiancé, Lena Luthor. These new moms will tear you apart if you try to instill that internal hatred of being a Luthor in their son’s young mind. 

Kara and Lena both defying what people say about them and instead raising a well adjusted boy from both their warring families. 

Kon is gonna be raised by a true power couple.

DC refuses to deliver on giving this boy a home or parents so I’m gonna do it instead. Just look at the family they could be together:

(FYI: This has nothing to do with the version of Superboy in the Young Justice cartoon TV show, so if you’re only familiar with that you may be a bit confused about this Superboy who that one was loosely based on. This whole punk fitted kid is indeed a real character and I stay pretty close to his original design from 1993.)

#Supercorp #Supergirl #Kara Danvers #Lena Luthor #Conner Kent #Superboy #Kon-El #Kara Zor-El #my art #my au #Supercorp + Kon AU #Supercorp and Superboy AU #long post #Feel free to comment or tag because I love reading peoples reactions/ideas about this #i just have a lot of feelings about this

[sage-nebula]

Thinking about all the clues in canon that Susie is an orphan who, before the game started, never had any friends or anyone who really cared about her (with their care for her being known to her), such as:

— At the beginning of Chapter 2, Ralsei reveals that he has set up rooms for Susie and Kris in his castle, so that the Dark World can be like “a second home” to them. When Susie sees her room, she spends a moment marveling about how she has her own room and awkwardly asks Ralsei how long he spent setting it up for her. After that, she’s overjoyed about how cool it is, bragging about it to both Kris and Lancer. While it could be that she just likes the room, the emphasis she puts on it being her own room makes it seem like this might be the first time she’s ever had a room to herself. Which, to be fair, Kris shared their room with Asriel as well, but the room Kris shared with Asriel was still their room, at least on one side of it. If Susie is from a group home, it could be that she never even had that much to herself.

— Susie seems to care greatly for Toriel, but in Chapter 1 also seems a bit jealous of Kris for being Toriel’s child. In Chapter 1, after Susie threatens Kris about biting their face off, she stops and says, “Nah. Kris, you have a good mother. It’d be a shame to make her bury her child.” If you try to skip school instead of going to the closet after that, Susie stops Kris by saying, “If you skip school, your mother will have a heart attack.” In both cases, Susie is expressing care for Toriel’s emotional well-being; however much Susie might not care for others, she does care about Toriel enough to not want to stress her out. Keeping in mind that all of this happens before the first Dark World trip, it can’t be explained away by Susie’s character development like Susie’s eagerness to bake a pie with Toriel (and otherwise adherence and respect that she shows for Toriel) in Chapter 2 can.

But going along with that, when you follow Susie to the closet in Chapter 1, Susie mocks Kris by saying, “Not used to walking without someone holding your hand? Come on, freak.” Given the respect and care Susie has already shown for Toriel, it’s clear that her mocking of Kris here is not because Kris should be ashamed for holding Toriel’s hand; rather, it could be jealousy that Susie doesn’t have someone to do that for her, and perhaps never did. It’s easier to call Kris a freak for having a loving mother who holds their hand than it is to admit that she wishes she had the same.

As a final note on the Chapter 2 interactions, Susie is surprised that Toriel knows her name and remembers her. This, in addition to her eagerness to help out with the pie, her laughing at Toriel’s jokes, etc, shows that Susie has a fondness for Toriel, who is the most motherly character in the series. Considering that Toriel acts kind and motherly toward Susie, the idea that Susie might not have never had a mother (+ people to care about her) suggests that her fondness for Toriel (+ jealousy of Kris) contributes to how quickly she latches onto / how much she cares about Toriel.

— Susie eats chalk, and while this could be a “haha monster snack” joke, not only do we not see other monsters eating chalk (in fact, Noelle thinks Kris is lying to her if you choose to tell Noelle this about Susie at the end of Chapter 1), but eating chalk can be a sign of a nutrient deficiency. Specifically, craving chalk can be a result of an iron deficiency. If Susie is an orphan who hasn’t had parents to take care of her, then she could have an unbalanced / nutritionally deficient diet, and thus she does things like eat chalk in an effort to make up for it. (Her jeans are also ripped up, and while distressed jeans are cool, it’s also possible those are the only pants she has.)

— While the other kids in Alphys’ class openly detest Susie (e.g. laughing at Kris for being paired with her, warning Kris about possible death at Susie’s hands, refusing to hang out with Kris if Kris is hanging out with Susie, etc), Monster Kid tells a story to Kris in Chapter 1 that suggests that, at one time, Susie might have wanted to be friends with them. Specifically, if you talk to Monster Kid at the end of Chapter 1, Monster Kid tells Kris about a time when the kids from Alphys’ class (sans Kris) were playing kickball in the street. MK says that Susie was “standing in a corner” staring at them, but that when the ball did get kicked over to her, she froze before kicking it so hard that it hit Undyne’s car. Monster Kid doesn’t say what Susie did after that (only that Alphys came out and kicked all their asses at the game), but does go on to insult Susie some more, and notes that Kris looks increasingly annoyed at the insults. Regardless, the thing to take away from this story here is that Susie was watching all the other kids play, and froze when the ball came to her. She kicked it . . . and it hit Undyne’s car. Monster Kid’s retelling of the story suggests that they and the other kids thought that Susie did that on purpose, but my interpretation (knowing Susie as I do now, and also knowing what it’s like to watch other kids play while not feeling invited to play yourself) suggests that it was probably an accident. Susie wanted to play and be included, but accidentally kicked the ball into the car, and was thought of as a freak and bully after despite her actual intentions.

— To that end, at the start of Chapter 1 Susie is pretty blatantly of the opinion that everyone hates her and wants her to get kicked out of school. She flat out says as much to Kris in front of the lockers at the start of the chapter. (“Everyone wants it. Everyone’s waiting for it.”) It’s not only the other students, either; Alphys is afraid of Susie and uses any opportunity she can to get Susie out of class, which would explain why Susie doesn’t hold nearly the same care or respect for her that she does for Toriel, someone who actually did care about and treat Susie with kindness.

— Susie expresses shock when Lancer wants to be like her / wants to be her friend, and in turn, latches onto him with fierce loyalty that is only momentarily shaken when she thinks he’s betrayed her (and she even reasons that with, “why would anyone want to be my friend?”). That line, suggesting that she feels stupid for thinking Lancer would want to be her friend, points to a friendless background. But her fierce loyalty to anyone who shows her even a bit of kindness also shows just how incredibly lonely she is. In fact, if we think about it, the people who Susie latches onto are those who have shown her some big act of kindness before:

Noelle: Lent Susie the candy cane pencil and smiled at her. Considering how the other kids in Alphys’ class treat Susie, the simple act of lending a pencil with a smile probably seemed like a huge act of kindness to her.

Toriel: Acts motherly toward Susie, as she does with all her students. Might not be special treatment in the grand scheme, but it’s special to Susie who typically doesn’t get that treatment from others.

Lancer: Said that he wanted to be like Susie, that he found Susie cool, wanted monogrammed track jackets with her, etc. Actually wanted to be Susie’s friend and appreciated her.

Kris: Defended Susie from the King’s attack. Note that although Susie was working with Kris before this, she wasn’t to the level of calling Kris her friend before Kris defended Susie. Also note that this is not an action that we, the player, make Kris do; Kris does it on their own regardless of the choices the player makes.

Ralsei: Healed Susie’s injured leg after Susie fell from the trash heap in Chapter 2. Granted, Susie was being nice to Ralsei before that and seemed to consider him a friend (enough), but it was only after Ralsei went out of his way to heal Susie’s injury and offered to teach her healing magic that she yoinked him off to spend time alone with him in the city and wanted to bust out of prison to find him when she thought he was being tortured in Queen’s Castle. Ralsei showed Susie some dedicated kindness, Susie latched on for life.

The fact that it takes on gesture of care on someone else’s part for Susie to be willing to kill for a person suggests that not only has Susie not had friends before, but perhaps that her feelings of loneliness were mixed with rejection to the point where she latches on fiercely to these people who care for her and doesn’t let them go.

— In addition to all this, although Susie latches on strongly, she also seems to be worried about losing those connections, too. When Lancer seemingly betrayed her, she said “why would anyone want to be friends with me?” When they returned from the Dark World, Susie hesitantly asks Kris if they’ll still be friends even if it turns out the Dark World was just a dream (well, she doesn’t finish the thought, but it’s clear that’s what she was about to ask before she fled). In the Snowgrave Route, when Noelle flees Kris at the hospital, Susie assumes Noelle is fleeing because of her and expresses dismay that Noelle is “scared of [her] again.” Susie’s default is that people fear or hate her and will run at the first opportunity despite how she tries to keep them close, which again speaks to a history of loneliness and rejection.

— Susie got banned from Free Ham Sandwich Day. This is a throwaway joke line, but if you consider that Susie might be an orphan with food insecurity, it could be less that she was just stuffing her face to be a pig and more that she was eating as much as she could because she didn’t know when she’d be able to eat again. Considering that she also eats things like chalk, candy cane pencils, apple-scented shampoo, and moss . . . well, the idea that Susie is food insecure doesn’t seem too far-fetched. (Kris also eats moss if the player makes them, yes, but the player has to choose that. Susie just does it on her own.)

Anyway, none of this is Conclusive Evidence, of course, but I think there’s a lot to suggest that Susie could very well be an orphan possibly living in a group home, and that she’s never really had the love of family or friends before the game started. Her aggression is defensive aggression more than anything else and it’s pretty clear that she just wants to be loved and give love in return. Susie’s fantastic and I can’t wait to see what more we learn about her as the game goes on.

#deltarune #deltarune spoilers #dtr spoilers #dtr susie #meta #considering how judgmental Susie felt Ralsei was of her throughout most of Chapter 1 #(and tbh Ralsei *was* - he admits himself it took him time to realize Susie being Susie was great) #it's not surprising it took her the longest to warm up to him #but now they are besties and it's great