swallowerofdharma

[swallowerofdharma]

[swallowerofdharma]

Ava Cherry - Sweet Thing

#david bowie #ava cherry #🎧

[swallowerofdharma]

« Homo sapiens have evolved a particularly weird life history, with a much longer childhood and old age than other animals. […] It appears that there’s a kind of symbiosis in the human life history: a long childhood allows exploration and learning, while a wider set of carers, including elders, allows that childhood to unfold. […] Both childhood and old age appear to be critical periods in the life history of our species when it comes to the transmission of human culture – another thing that is distinctive, if not unique, about human beings. More than any other animal, we pass on information and knowledge from one generation to another. […]

[Our] vulnerabilities [in childhood and old age] are intimately related to some of our greatest human strengths – our capacities for learning, cooperation and culture. […] Just as the impulsiveness, curiosity and noise of children might contribute to exploration and compensate for their other inabilities, the older humans’ expertise, patience and storytelling skills might compensate for loss of speed and strength. It seems that all these life-history developments interacted to create the coevolutionary cascade that led to the remarkably swift emergence of Homo sapiens. A longer, smarter, more social childhood, as well as an extended old age, lets you develop more skilled adults. […]

So, childhood and old age – those vulnerable, unproductive periods of our lives – turn out, biologically, to be the key to many of our most valuable, deeply human capacities. They nurture and facilitate our exploration and creativity, cooperation, coordination and culture, learning and teaching. In some ways, we are at our most human before puberty and after menopause. Caring for those vulnerable humans at either end of life lets all of us flourish. The dance of love and lore between grandparent and grandchild is at the centre, not the fringes, of our evolutionary story. »

— Alison Gopnik, “Why childhood and old age are key to our human capacities” in Aeon Magazine

[swallowerofdharma]

“All memory is individual, unreproducible—it dies with each person. What is called collective memory is not a remembering but a stipulating: that this is important, and this is the story about how it happened […].”

— Susan Sontag, Regarding the Pain of Others (via exhaled-spirals)

[swallowerofdharma]

Popular Berserk fan-theories:

Warning: Spoilers for up to chapter 338.

The Skull Knight is actually Gaiseric, who was sacrificed by the person who then became the God-Hand ‘Void’ as a result.  

Void is actually one of the aliens from ‘Mars Attacks!’. The Skull Knight will figure out (purely by accident) that Void is vulnerable against a random, obscure, old song and will play it until Void’s head explodes. Like with the film ‘Mars Attacks!’ (and many of Berserk’s more creative Apostle/demon encounters with Guts) no one will understand what the hell they just saw or why/how any of it happened. The art will be beautiful and gruesome.

Keep reading

#now I can’t stop thinking about why Guts hasn’t grown a beard #yet #crying

[swallowerofdharma]

Nevil Maskelyne, First filmed eclipse. 1900

Solar eclipse filmed on 28 May, 1900 by a famous magician, Nevil Maskelyne , while on an expedition by The British Astronomical Association to North Carolina. In 1898 he travelled to India to photograph an eclipse. He succeeded but the film can was stolen

[swallowerofdharma]

I remember noticing this when this chapter came out and I probably wrote it on discord. Now I saw it again and I want to share it here. I can be freaking observant of the tiny unimportant details in the context of an image first and actually miss the more blatant ones but anyway. When someone is drawing something they can’t do it without deciding every detail so I think it is important how Yoneda positioned everyone’s body here sitting in a relaxed way except for Izumi-san and Yashiro, who are the ones keeping good posture. Usually Yashiro doesn’t sits like that and he is often drawn in a more relaxed posture than any other character, Doumeki being the one keeping his back straight all the time. Big indication here in this tiny image that the presence of Izumi changes how Yashiro positions his body and how he becomes self conscious of things like good or bad posture.

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #saezuru analysis #yashiro #eri reads saezuru

[swallowerofdharma]

Keeping OP tags in the reblog, I wish I could use a better way than a screenshot. But I haven’t worked it out how to do it from the app.

Doumeki has started lying to Yashiro from the moment he saw Inami calling. Saying he was sorry didn’t work since Yashiro pushed him away four years ago. I think Doumeki is still convinced that Yashiro would cut all ties to him if he behaves truthfully and shows that he still has feelings for Yashiro and wants him pretty much the same way as before, only now he isn’t a subordinate and he is legitimately part of Yashiro’s world. Doumeki’s sense of guilt has shifted from Aoi to Yashiro. It’s like he can’t escape it. Good storytelling imo.

#saezuru analysis #you get it so well and help me out a lot with my interpretations #even when we might focus on different things

[swallowerofdharma]

Jealousy

One of the occasions when I strongly feel like my opinion is at odds with other people’s is when Doumeki’s jealousy comes to the surface. I am not sure if maybe this is a result of how unacquainted I am with romance literature or portrayals in media of romantic relationships, heterosexual ones mostly, since I have always been very impatient with those tropes. And that’s maybe what it is, that many readers of Saezuru are more comfortable or acquainted with straight romances and are used to read jealousy or possessiveness from the male partner as a sign of interest and proof of affection or love. I can’t take it like that tho, personally, honestly I can’t see a man being jealous of his partner or potential partner as a positive. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity for me and men being insecure? Potentially bad news, my alarm bells are going off and I don’t get any enjoyment from that part of the story. So is Yoneda Kou using Doumeki’s jealousy uncritically and just as a romantic motif?

Again what Yoneda-sensei did with the yakuza plot in the first half of Saezuru is very interesting to me, because within the whole Hirata’s debacle jealousy was a very central theme. Yashiro’s thoughts about the relationships between men in the yakuza are also quite revealing, and he tends to think about those men as behaving in their relationships like they would in romantic situations. The first we see of one of Hirata’s passive aggressive behaviors towards Yashiro, he is taking his wakagashira to a function at the Matsuhara group’s place. That place is tied to a period of Yashiro’s life when he was completely adrift, those aren’t good memories, here is Yashiro’s unreliability again in revisiting the past and always downplaying it or seeing it in the lighter way possible. In this case, being in a room full of men, yakuza men, those types of violent and ruthless men tied together by either exclusion from normal society, or money interests and money debts, or complicated emotions under the surface waiting to shift the uneasy balance, Yashiro is thinking of them and of their dynamics in homo erotic terms. The fantasies that he has here, in my opinion, surge from anxiety, as part of his normal coping mechanisms and part of the pattern where he is being fucked all the time and the best he can hope for is to enjoy it or find some form of empowerment in it. When Misumi comes in and sits beside him and not at the front of the room, where his place should be, and Hirata and the others notice, Yashiro is uneasy about it, like he was when Doumeki reported what was being said at the other office by the manager Kirishima (the one in charge of collecting money from debtors and that hired Doumeki in the first place). Yashiro interrogates Kirishima only about those rumors that could potentially become a threat due to jealousy and resentment in a highly hierarchical environment.

Yashiro correctly understands that a man’s jealousy is an open door for trouble. Hirata is keeping track of his movements and of his interactions with Misumi. Rumors are spread widely across the group, but again it is more troubling that these rumors involve Misumi now that a succession process is underway in the Doushinkai. Sexual relationships between men in the yakuza can’t have a legitimate place because of this fear of a perceived unfair competition and advantage, because a sexual relationship has the power to potentially build intimacy and trust in a way that isn’t like any other (that’s the primary function of sex in a marriage, and that is a unique type of relationship protected by several laws and where the bond is considered so strong that each party is exonerated from having to report confidential information exchanged between them to any other authority). That is why men in these environments tend to prefer a very strong unbalance of power in sexual relationships and to keep women separated from their business relationships. Hirata breaks many rules considered fundamental in the yakuza, having betrayed a sworn brother (Kurobane) and having ordered the killing of a sworn son (Yashiro) and remarkably letting his men use sexual violence to gain information from Ryuuzaki’s girlfriend. In the yakuza all those things are strictly forbidden, and the need for protection of the members’ women is another sign of the place these women have in this world, a position of inherent weakness where no one expects them to stand on their own and where they have no power.

While Yashiro correctly perceives jealousy as a threat, he also shows a certain disappointment when Doumeki denies that he is angry after discovering his relationship with Ryuuzaki. Yashiro shows many contradictory behaviors, signs of his decision to hide himself and his vulnerability. But he has been effected by the way Doumeki keeps looking at him and the possibility that maybe this person might care. On the other hand, Doumeki is alerted early on to the fact that showing his true feelings now that he regained potency (remarkably by watching Yashiro while recounting his time with the nurse) is potentially going to cost him his position as Yashiro’s bodyguard. From this moment on Doumeki is misguided by this insecurity. After the reunion, Doumeki discovers that Yashiro is in contact with Inami and he is taken by anger and jealousy, and he is misguided once again by those emotions.

Yashiro’s feelings towards Izumi are so complex that we can’t really conclude if he is jealous or not, only that he is suffering, and that he can’t quite manage to picture himself beside Doumeki. Both scenes played between the entryway of his building and the elevator have shown a Yashiro yearning for Doumeki, a Yashiro who doesn’t want to let him go. These scenes happen before he witnesses Doumeki and Izumi together. Yashiro really struggles with this new and assertive Doumeki, a full yakuza now. He entertains the desire to be chosen, but he feels like that is probably no longer a possibility if his competitors are women.

I do understand what Doumeki wants and why he keeps pushing Yashiro. Doumeki wants him to admit out loud what is it that he really wants: whether the truth has always been the same and Yashiro hasn’t changed - he can’t have a normal relationship, he likes to be treated roughly, gentle sex makes him nauseous and so on - or whether he has been lying all along - he might have wanted to be embraced by Doumeki and treated gently, since that time in the bathtub when Doumeki asked for the first time, he ultimately wanted what happened between them at Doumeki’s house and he still wants it. Why Doumeki has to torture this information out of Yashiro is what I have a problem with. Doumeki senses that Yashiro is lying, but can’t be sure. He wants the truth, but he never quite understands in the first place why Yashiro is lying, why the mask was there in the first place. He hasn’t asked the right questions yet, in my opinion, since the very start. And I believe that Yoneda has been very consistent in showing the readers that Doumeki is misguided. Does it matters that he cares for Yashiro, that he loves him if he acts like that? Is jealousy a good sign? Yashiro knows that the person closer to you has the power to really hurt you. Other people don’t have the power to hurt Yashiro in any way that matters to him, even if they beat him, or rape him again, even if they kill him, they would do him a favor. But the ones he let close to his heart have suddenly all the power. Yashiro is a liar because lying is tied to his survival instinct and Yashiro’s survival instinct is tied not to the preservation of his own life, but of his sense of self. This is trauma at its most deep level, something I always thought Doumeki, like most people for that matter, never has been fully equipped to understand. Which is completely normal, but it is all the more important that people become aware of how important are boundaries and dialogue. And those are the areas where Doumeki is a dog with a bone, or more of a policeman with a suspect than a sympathetic character or a younger man blinded by love or infatuation. As I said in a previous analysis, I truly believe that Yoneda is so clever that it is actually an intentional subtext that Doumeki’s motivations aren’t all about selflessness. That he needs to prove to himself that he didn’t rape Yashiro back then, because he himself isn’t so sure about it.

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #saezuru analysis #yoneda kou #eri reads saezuru #going again in uncomfortable territory #sorry if I am unable to be more brief #I have multiple interpretations of this story but when I write down I have to give priority to some ideas above others #the yakuza is such a incredibly interesting setting for this story and #how it is used is so unconventional and above the romanticized #idea of crime and criminals #so good #yashiro #doumeki chikara

[swallowerofdharma]

[swallowerofdharma]

Sarah Fathima Mohammed, from "nocturnes in the rain"

[swallowerofdharma]

Un chant d'amour (1950) // dir. Jean Genet

[swallowerofdharma]

2023 Griffith

[swallowerofdharma]

change as inevitability, as a necessity or as something people are incapable of is one of the main themes in the second arc of saezuru. it's also an integral part of trans experience. so, i want to take a closer look at yashiro's hair length, the one small change that he could afford, and what it can represent for his character in terms of gender.

as always, when talking about yashiro as a closeted trans woman i have to preface my thoughts by saying that i am reading into subtext that may or may not be intended. i also don't think that it matters or invalidates what i have to say. my interpretation doesn't contradict the text and i'm just providing a different perspective on it, that's all.

it's also worth mentioning that there is no universal rule regarding hair length and whether it represents femininity or masculinity, but for the sake of this analysis i am going to simplify things as "longer hair means feminine". it's what makes most sense for yashiro and aligns with how gender norms are portrayed in saezuru in general.

with all that in mind, let's talk about hair.

masculinity as a cage

to look at yashiro's hair after the time skip from a transfeminine perspective, first it's important to accept that his masculinity and identity as a man are a necessity. there's an invisible, arbitrary line in gender expression that he can't cross, because no matter how much he's abused, degraded and objectified, "being a man" allows him to hold enough power to maintain his position in the hierarchy. on practice, he doesn't actually fit either "man" or "woman" in the sense that those categories exist in the yakuza, but not fitting in as an effeminate man is still better than not fitting in as a trans woman when it comes to plain survival. he has to play the part, he has to talk, dress and look a certain way, because the only other option, the only escape that feels plausible and, at it's worst, preferable, is death. not like living this way is much different from it.

now, four years later, yashiro having slightly longer hair and grasping at femininity after losing his group and position in the yakuza, is like saying, very quietly: "i know that things could be different". it's not hope, not quite, more so just awareness that the possibility exists. he still has misumi's hands around his throat, there's still trauma, loneliness, suicidal ideation, men, police, denial of autonomy, constant abuse and money, money, money. but having a better understanding of his situation, being able to say "i'm not yakuza", recognizing sexual violence for what it is, vocalizing his lack of consent and trying to establish boundaries matters. even if it seemingly amounts to nothing, even if yashiro can't extend himself the kindness of recognizing and admitting his capacity and desire to change yet. to know, on some deep level, that the cage can be opened is better than thinking that all you can do is die in it.

to be seen as i am

so, why longer hair? why tie it to transfemininity? if you interpret yashiro's fantasies about doumeki with women as a manifestation of his subconscious desire to be with the person he loves in a body that feels "right", to be seen for who he actually is, it's interesting that there are certain things that the women he imagines have in common. in both cases they present very feminine, have bigger breasts, and, most importantly for this conversation, longer hair. izumi fits the image in terms of femininity and hair too, especially since the one time yashiro saw her she was at work, dressed up and in full makeup. i'll come back to her later.

doumeki never provided any information about the nurse's hair or if he has a preference, and i've talked before about how yashiro doesn't necessarily have any strict views on how women have to present themselves for their gender identity to be respected and recognized. so i'd like to think that there's more to it, some significance in how consistent this image of a woman in yashiro's head is.

the second fantasy is especially interesting if you take into account the elevator scene, because the woman in it is not the same as the one yashiro imagines. when it comes to transgender subtext, there's... a lot going on here. but, staying on topic, it stands out to me that the woman's hairstyle is similar to what yashiro's would look like if his hair was longer. there's a certain closeness between her and yashiro, and between her and the idea of the woman that he has in his head. she's still different from both, but maybe that closeness is what allows him to imagine himself, as he is currently, with doumeki in a moment where he's seen and treated the way he wants to be. "as a woman".

what i'd give to be her

first time we see yashiro with his hair down as a part of his preferred, "civilian" look, is when he and nanahara visit ryuzaki at prison. it underlines the connection between being able to have a more comfortable gender expression and getting out of the yakuza, how he can't have one without the other, and ryuzaki's perspective is very interesting, but that's for another conversation.

here i want to focus on the second time when yashiro decided to go out with his hair down, why the choice is so important and easy to read from a trans perspective, and what lead to it - seeing izumi for the first time.

the vague, faceless idea of a woman in yashiro's fantasies now had not only a face, but also a voice that's allowed to say "chikara". she looks so perfect next to doumeki that it hurts. and he's kind to her, too, of course he is. that's how women who actually fit the role deserve to be treated. everything is as it should be, and there's the familiar, weird sense of relief that comes when the rejection you've been bracing for finally hits you.

and yashiro does what he always does, just quietly leaves to try and cope with everything on his own. there's no animosity towards izumi, or even doumeki for that matter. it's not anyone's fault, it never is.

doumeki doesn't allow yashiro to cope on his own terms, though. he finds him, drags him to his place, full of this entitled, almost righteous anger, and yashiro once again is left with no choice but to accept what's happening to him. what makes this time different from before, is that yashiro gets to be angry too. it's anger that doumeki allows him to express, because it's not directed at what's happening, it's not a protest in itself, not about sex at all. it's a violent and wordless admission that yashiro cares about him, so of course doumeki accepts it. and after they both calm down, after doumeki kisses him and they actually look each other in the eye, there's a small hope for yashiro that maybe, just maybe, this time will be a little kinder.

he thinks of izumi. not about her as a person, but about her as the idea of "doumeki's woman". the one who's treated kindly, something that yashiro so badly wants to experience too. he almost calls doumeki by his first name. it's like a desperate attempt to play izumi's role in hopes to be treated gently in return, just this once, even if it's not real, even if he can't actually be "the woman", even if when this is over everything will go back to the way it was.

none of this matters in the end, because doumeki treats yashiro "like a man". he has his own reasons for it, but those reasons are irrelevant here. all yashiro's left with is just another reminder of how unreachable womanhood feels and of the line he can't cross. "a woman's body wouldn't be able to handle this treatment", but yours does, even if it hurts, so you must be a man. "he's gentle with women", but he isn't with you, so you must be a man. accept it and play the part.

he still chooses to go with his hair down, though, despite it all. and it matters. it takes a lot of strength to just keep on living as a suicidal trans person. even more to make a step towards change, no matter how seemingly small, and to keep insisting on it. "unchanging livestock". how cruel, unfair and, most importantly, untrue.

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #saezuru analysis #yashiro #crying a little because many things you wrote really sound true

[swallowerofdharma]

You are the light, I am the shadow

Yesterday I was trying to copy my Saezuru playlist on Spotify, because I thought it would look better than on YT, but the problem with that is that songs easily available in the jungle of the YT app don’t appear on the other one and in particular a song that is very important to me that I want in the playlist:

If you search for it on Spotify, you will find a bad remixed version and another cover version, but not the original 1979 song from the soundtrack of the anime The Rose of Versailles.

This isn’t new information, nor a discovery I made on my own, it was first pointed out to me during a discussion on discord by other people more attentive than me. This is chapter 1 of Saezuru and Yashiro is looking at Kageyama leaving on his bicycle. Picturing Kuga he sings: きみは ひかり ぼくは かげ - You are the light, I am the shadow. In the official English translation by June, they simply translated the text as follows:

So if you are reading it, without the drama cd playing, you are likely unaware that Yashiro is singing here. While the elongated lines following the words in the Japanese edition would visually clue you in: these words are meant to be sung or their sound should linger… Not only that, but Yashiro’s mouth is open wider than usual and there are lines near his chest to show he is taking more air in.

I want to include here the full lyrics of the song, so that others can check if there are mistakes in the English translation available, that you find in the description of the video above and on a couple of other places.

Although the song is performed by 鈴木宏子 Suzuki Hiroko, a female singer in a rather high register, it is clear from the lyrics and the dialogue inserted in the composition that the person talking is André addressing Oscar and calling out to her at the end. The use of masculine pronouns and other gendered words should easily indicate that the thoughts expressed are André’s and that he is the shadow to Oscar’s light.

愛が苦しみなら

いくらでも苦しもう

���れが君の心に いつか届くまで

君は光 僕は影

離れられない 二人のきずな

苦しめば苦しむほど 愛は深まる

この胸を傷つけて 愛は 愛は深まる

「愛しても、愛と呼べない、僕の目は

もう君を見ることができなくなる……

オスカル」

君が死ぬ時には

この僕���死ぬ時だ

永遠（とわ）の愛を捧げる 君にいつの日も

思いおこせ 剣を置いて

君を抱くのは 一人の男

哀しめば哀しむほど 愛は深まる

うすれゆく星を見て 愛は 愛は深まる

君は命 僕の命

誰が切ろうと 切れないきずな

苦しめば苦しむほど 愛は深まる

この胸を傷つけて 愛は 愛は深まる

「オスカル！」

What really struck me when I listened to it with a translation is the portrayal of love as pain and suffering, and that the more the person is hurting, the deeper they are loving. Which I believe is really consistent with how Yashiro thinks about love, so - knowing what this song was about - to hear it quoted in the very first chapter of Saezuru is not only a homage to one of the greatest Shōjo manga ever written but a suggestion of the themes or at least how Yashiro feels about love.

If love is pain, I'll suffer as much as I want, Until it reaches your heart one day (…) The more I suffer, the deeper my love (grows). This heart is hurt and love, love will deepen.

In the story of The Rose of Versailles, André at the beginning is just a secondary character in the background, but he has been with Oscar since the beginning and he will be the only man to embrace her. During the early stages of the revolution he is wounded and loses sight from one eye, and in the end he becomes completely blind. Let’s hope that Yashiro doesn’t follow André’s destiny further.

But putting that song in the mind of the reader was such a clever way to let us glimpse into the very complex interior life of this character otherwise known as “a serious masochist and deviant, a leacherous bottom and the public toilet for the executives”. Yashiro has every reason to think about love as suffering, to feel that maybe his only way is to love silently, from the shadows, and feel that pain.

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #saezuru analysis #yashiro #yoneda kou #lost in translation #eri reads saezuru #the rose of versailles #🎧

[swallowerofdharma]

i am not immune to Lady Oscar...

[swallowerofdharma]

I’m curious if Doumeki looking at Yashiro like that all the time can be considered male gaze? Or the broad context of yaoi anime makes it female gaze? Both? Female appropriation of the male gaze?

#Saezuru Tori wa Habatakanai - The Clouds Gather #囀る鳥は羽ばたかない

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #saezuru analysis #semi serious