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musings-of-miss-j · 4 months

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no rest for the wicked (nor the foolish)

part four: in which the doctor is irritated (nothing new), you lose a rather important item and signora requests your presence

a harbingers x gn reader series!! (includes dottore, childe, arlecchino and pantalone x reader. the rest of the harbingers will most likely not be romantic interests)

notes: slowburn that makes you want to tear your hair out according to my friend, snarky reader, fluff, crack, slight social anxiety, reader is referred to as 'miss' but no pronouns, childe is pining, you are oblivious and the rest of the harbingers got a -9 on their 'how to romance your crush' exam

be sure to notify me of any pronoun slips!!

series masterlist

word count: 4433 words

author's note: thank you so so so much to everyone who has expressed interest in this series!!! a special thank you to @viridian-coffer, @nin3ss and @@vvzhyxx !!! i hope y'all don't mind being tagged but your little comments are so so appreciated <333 please continue engaging, it makes me unbelievably happy (also about scara: he's getting his own separate fic so stay tuned for that!!) quick reminder that asks and requests are always open :)

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The mystery occupied your thoughts more than it should have; the next day at the lab you dropped a replica of a ruin mechanism you’d made and were forced to endure the agonising process of watching it shatter to pieces on the floor. You mourned its loss as you picked them up, and the Doctor muttered something derisive under his breath.

“Just what is the matter with you?” He demanded from across the lab. He was prodding away at a poor fox’s corpse, testing out yet another one of his artificial hearts. It had been difficult to hide your distress at seeing the furry little thing dead on his workbench, and this trial of his wasn’t going any better than the others; he was in a particularly foul mood.

“Nothing, doctor,” you replied, disposing of the remains of your wonderful model. It’ll take me at least a week to make a new one. Damn that mystery woman for distracting me.

He tsked, abandoning the fox and the metal parts and striding over to you.

“Are you ill? Drunk?” He leaned in close, and you stepped away until the cool bite of the marble workbench dug into your back. The tip of his pointed mask was just inches away from your nose, and you fervently hoped he wouldn’t stab your eye out with it. “Your behaviour has been irregular since you stepped foot into the lab today. Whatever instability you pose is a danger to my experiments, and unless you provide a satisfactory explanation I’ll have you dismissed for a week.”

You clenched your teeth. Such a delay would put you severely behind schedule, something he was no doubt aware of. The Doctor was knowledgeable even in the science of making highly effective threats. And invading your personal space, apparently; the hard edge of marble was beginning to bruise your back the closer he leaned in.

“I assure you that won’t be necessary.”

“Then for the Tsaritsa’s sake, stop acting like a bumbling fool. Better yet, tell me exactly what caused this deviation from your usual efficiency so I can eliminate it myself.”

You allowed a small grin to take over your features. “I'm efficient, doctor?”

“Don’t play coy. You’re well aware of your capabilities, which clearly include diverting from the subject of conversation.”

“Oh, alright.” What harm could it do to tell the Doctor about the mystery woman? You pushed him away. Or at least tried to; he didn’t budge an inch and now your hands were on his chest. You quickly pulled them away, fighting the urge to avert your gaze in embarrassment at the proximity. How adorable, he thought. “A strange woman all but interrogated me in the dining hall last night, and admitted to be disguised as a recruit. She asked me a great many questions with the air of a person who’s used to obtaining answers, but refused to divulge her true identity. I’ve been wondering who she might’ve been.”

“That is what’s been occupying your mind to the point where you fumble in the lab?” He demanded after an incredulous silence.

“A scholar’s unsatisfied curiosity isn’t the most manageable of problems.”

“Unbelievable,” he muttered under his breath, tracing his mask with his thumb. “My apprentice, a supposed genius, led astray by a cliché mystery.” You could no longer tell if your face was red from how close he was standing or his derisive tone; either way, you were left flustered and a little indignant at how nice the Doctor's cologne smelled. You'd expected him to stink of laboratory chemicals, but the subtle earthy undertone was rather appealing. You toyed with the fingertips of your gloves in an attempt to distract yourself from such thoughts.

With a roll of your eyes, you retorted: “She was capable of illusionary magic. Do you have any idea who she might be?”

The set of his mouth revealed nothing, but he let out a soft 'ah' of realisation.

“Well?” You prompted. “Who was she?”

“That, my dear student, is none of your concern.” He backed away from you and returned to what you considered his half of the lab.

“Oh, why the change in tune, doctor? I thought you intended to eliminate any distractions?” You tugged your gloves and turned back to the sketch you’d made of an ancient ruin in the depths of Avidya Forest. It was a prime example of how elemental magic, in this case dendro, affected physical structures and their functionality; one particular crack in the stone wall housed a Dendroculous, and around it moss and other greenery flourished although the conditions for plant life were less than optimum. The mechanism to access the ruins had also changed due to elemental exposure; when formerly it could only be activated using a key or some other specific piece, it now responded to dendro application. Fascinating. “Oh, right. Doctor, where can I acquire a mask?” you asked, flipping through the pages of blueprints you’d made to build a replica of the ruin mechanism. You wanted to see how it might have functioned years ago, and now you’d have to rebuild the whole thing.

“How should I know?” Came the disdainful reply. It had been by design that you didn’t receive a mask, after all; it would obscure your expressions and make it difficult to read you. And your eyes were too pretty to be hidden.

“Then who should I be asking if I want a helpful answer?”

He muttered something under his breath, no doubt scornful, before replying. “Regrator, I suppose.”

Another unhelpful answer, and he sounded even more contemptuous than usual. You bit back a sigh and resigned yourself to asking Childe or Signora.

You spent the rest of the day rebuilding the replica. Thankfully it didn’t take as much time and you even managed to draw up a few prototypes for the key. Which looked nothing like a key at all, more like a vaguely star-shaped disk with four distinct points, and by the time the sun slipped beneath the horizon and the sheer chill of Snezhnayan night time truly set in, you were in high spirits and reluctant to leave the productive atmosphere of the lab. You decided to write the report for the day instead of leaving, but soon encountered a problem; there weren’t any chairs in the lab. Not a single one. The Doctor was completely immersed in the mechanical heart that had finally begun to beat underneath his fingers and you doubted he’d register any questions you sent his way, and so you reverted to the tactic you’d been forced to utilise during secondary school; perching cross-legged upon the workbench. The lighting was thankfully much better than it was in the rest of the palace. No dim floating lanterns for the Doctor, no, no. Instead the ceiling was mounted with large, circular lamps that glowed anywhere from bright white to soft yellow, and you settled beneath buttery radiance that was almost reminiscent of Sumeru summers. Quiet prevailed, with only the scratching sound of your pen and the metallic clinking from the Doctor’s direction disturbing the stillness. The scene contrasted vastly to the chaos of the Akademiya’s hectic workspaces; tranquil and unhurried where the latter had been loud and frantic, with panicked students rushing back and forth between different experiments and yelling at each other when their experiments affected each other. You still resented the Akademiya somewhat for showing such clear favouritism towards the literary and historic Darshans.

Working like this, after a successful lab session with no younger students coming dangerously close to breaking your apparatus or begging for help, snow swirling outside and a lovely big workspace and minimal pressure, you could almost convince yourself that this had been your plan all along. That you were here, in the Fatui’s headquarters, because you’d wanted this position and not because you’d been afraid of refusing. It was far from unpleasant, sitting on the workbench and refining your draft for a report about a subject you’d chosen.

Until the Doctor looked up and opened his damn mouth.

“Why are you sitting there?” The way you perched on the countertop, of all places, with your legs crossed beneath you reminded him of a bird. The sheer self-assuredness could’ve been enough to make you feel as though you were committing some atrocious, unforgivable crime. Luckily, your sense of guilt had been left a little weathered after several long years of defending yourself and your research.

“Because there’s no other place to sit, doctor,” you replied without looking up.

“If you deem your work enough for the day and find yourself with enough free time to bemoan the lack of seating then perhaps you should return to your dormitory.”

Unbelievably passive-aggressive. What difference does my presence make, anyway?

“Perhaps,” you conceded, without making a move to get up.

“Oh, for the Tsaritsa’s sake. Go to dinner or whatever other meaningless rituals you practise,” he said, that special brand of casual contempt lacing his words. You couldn’t even find it in yourself to be offended; you’d become accustomed to his brash mannerisms in the span of little more than two weeks. Besides, it was funny to think that he wanted you to leave so badly. You adjusted your notebook in your lap and continued writing.

“Surely you can abide my presence a little longer, doctor.”

“Leave, you insubordinate pest.”

That drew a surprised laugh from you. He was seized by the urge to make you do it again. The Doctor usually dealt in elegant, intricately-worded insults, and this outright rebuke was such a change in pace you couldn’t help but laugh. The intensity of his stare grew until you were worried you’d offended him, and you glanced up to see him standing before the array of mechanical spurs and gears strewed across his workbench, arms crossed and head tilted to the side as he surveyed you. You wished you could see what emotion was in his eyes behind that damn mask. After a few moments more of staring, you gathered he could very well be contemplating the prospect of dissecting you if you didn’t leave (really, he just didn’t want to continue one of his more gory experiments in front of you. The discomfort would surely make you clumsier, and he couldn’t have an inefficient apprentice in his lab), and so you pocketed your notebook and pen and hopped down from the abnormally high countertop.

“I shall disturb you no more, doctor,” you said, slightly amused, before opening the door with a series of complicated knocks and leaving.

You no longer needed to consult your little map to find your way; the winding corridors had lost their daunting unfamiliarity. In fact, the whole palace was beginning to develop an air of friendliness; the silver phrases in the walls served as landmarks, the floating lanterns brightened whenever you approached, and the glowing jasmine perfumed the air with its delicate scent. Despite knowing that it would be much smarter to keep your guard up at all times, it was difficult not to relax when the palace so cheerfully presented itself to be discovered and mapped.

You stepped into your room, humming absent-mindedly under your breath as you went through the usual motions after a day in the lab; hanging up your cloak, letting down your hair, checking to see if your hidden store of valuables had remained untouched during your absence, tidying the myriad of reports, articles and notebooks strewn across your desk and other such minor chores.

A peaceful evening, if it weren’t for the fact that Signora was watching you.

“So this is what the little one gets up to after a long day.”

You gasped, startled, and dropped the teapot you’d been in the process of removing from the fire. Signora emerged from thin air and caught it before it could crash onto the floor, setting it calmly down on the table. You froze, shocked and partially wondering if she was a hallucination. Her beauty certainly seemed beyond the realm of understanding; she wore a black silk gown studded with blood-red gems, elbow-length gloves and a smile glorious enough to raise the dead. She watched you try to gather your wits with a bemused expression, and when your brain finally caught up with her sudden appearance you bowed and stammered out a greeting in an attempt to gloss over your initial shock.

“Good evening, my lady.” Her smile grew; you’d learnt the correct way of addressing her. She quite liked the way her title sounded on your tongue, almost as much as she’d liked the wide-eyed look of astonishment on your face, “To- to what do I owe the pleasure?”

She lowered herself into one of the armchairs

“Do I need a reason to visit?” She asked, crossing one leg over the other and raising an eyebrow.

“You’re always welcome here, my lady,” you replied, straightening and regaining some of your composure. You busied yourself with taking out the tea set and grabbing a serving of your most expensive leaves, mostly so you could avoid her gaze and knowing smile.

“I hear you’ve taken to hiding away a servant girl in your chambers,” she said as you passed her a cup. You stiffened slightly, glancing up at her and hoping she hadn’t taken offence; just in case, you quickly cycled through potential responses to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Noticing your dilemma, she laughed and took a sip of her tea.

“Relax, little one. I can practically hear you worrying.”

You chuckled awkwardly, toying with your glasses.

“Now, I do in fact have an ulterior motive for paying you this visit,” she began, leaning back in the chair and surveying you through her one visible eye. Her statement didn’t surprise you in the slightest; it made perfect sense that a Harbinger would exercise a measure of cunning.

“You see, our yearly gala to strengthen some political connections is just around the corner.” Your brow furrowed; what did that have to do with you? “My fellow Harbingers and I would like you to attend.”

You blinked. Raised your eyebrows. Fidgeted with your gloves. Anything to fill the silence before she redacted or rephrased the statement. Your scepticism only grew when she made no move to do so, instead revelling in your bewilderment with that half-lidded look of sheer satisfaction.

“My lady, I fail to see what my presence will contribute to such an important event.”

“You’re too humble. Why, I hear the Akademiya is frothing at the mouth with rage over losing a genius like you!”

You hesitated and sat down across from her to process, refraining from pointing out that you largely came to Snezhnaya on the basis of subtle threats from them.

“Surely one needs more than intellect to gain such an invite.”

“And you, little one, are the whole package!” She tossed her hair over her shoulder with a laugh. It was odd, how she’d been stinging and harsh the first time you met, and now she was all smiles and cordiality. You wondered which side was her true one, and marvelled at how both temperaments fit her like a second skin. “It’s a wonderful opportunity to show you off.”

You stared at her blankly. It had been a long day, and you were not in the mood to engage in verbal acrobatics.

“I still don’t see the purpose of the invitation, my lady.”

She sighed. “Oh, well. Your presence is expected either way.”

You frowned. A big social event where you’d most likely be alone was not an appealing prospect. “My lady, please. I don’t think my schedule will allow for it, and I’m certain the invitation will be better received by a more influential member of the Fatui.”

“Do you plan on rejecting the invitation I went to such lengths to acquire for you, little one?”

You were trapped, and she smiled because she knew it. You let out a sigh of defeat, running a hand through your hair. “Yes, my lady,” you murmured, a touch of your dreariness seeping into your voice.

“Good, good,” she all but purred, adjusting her fur collar and rising from her chair. At least she was leaving so you could go to sleep. You followed her to the door, taking off your glasses to rub your tired eyes. The day was beginning to catch up to you, and the knowledge that you’d have to partake in a magnanimous social event did nothing to lessen your exhaustion; already you were beginning to worry about the overwhelmingly likely prospect that you wouldn’t know anyone at the gala. How bothersome. Signora paused in the doorway. “I’ll have the servant girl inform you of the details, since you’re so fond of her to the point where you’ll let her hide in your room.”

Heat rose to your cheeks. She made it seem so shameful, like an unforgivable sin that you should have been mortified to commit. You locked the door the moment she stepped out, feeling rather cheerless and vexed at more or less everyone in the palace. With a grumble, you grabbed the warming packet you’d designed in secondary school and shook it with perhaps more force than strictly necessary to trigger the flaming flower stamen within it. It was quite the handy little thing, utilising the flower’s reaction to nearby movement to heat up the agnidus agate within. You were especially thankful for it here in Snezhnaya, where the nights stung with a bitter cold that couldn’t be dispelled by a hundred blankets. At least I have a warm bed, you reasoned dejectedly to yourself, collapsing into it. Maybe I should run away and forge a new identity to avoid this damn gala.

The morning brought a splitting headache (predictable) and clear skies (surprising). No snow fell, and though the world was blanketed with the perpetual layer of white you could glimpse snatches of a frosted-over pale blue sky through the stained glass of your window; you admired it from the comfort of your bed. You moved to get up, but a precise and agonising throb in your skull abruptly put a stop to that plan, and you collapsed back onto the mattress with a pained groan. After a few moments, you tried to sit up again; your head pounded even harder, as though in warning, and an ache began to form behind your eyes. Cursing under your breath, you rootled through the drawer of the nightstand for a bottle of your special all-cure. You’d concocted it specifically for your body mass, metabolism and stomach acidity, and even done the same for a few others and sold it as a custom medicine, so it worked like a charm. If only it tasted half-decent, you lamented as its acridity burned your throat on the way down. Kaeya had likened it to drinking cheap liquor, and Kaveh had taken a similar stance. Still, they gladly asked for refills of it every year when winter struck, much to your eternal smugness.

You stumbled out of bed with a groan, rubbing the painful spot on your neck. The beginnings of a cold were settling in your throat and chest, and you resigned yourself to going to the dining hall that day to fetch a few jueyun chilis and performing a quick whopperflower nectar extraction in the lab to dispel it. How troublesome.

A knock sounded at your door just as you were lacing up your boots.

“Come in,” you said without looking up, knowing it would be Anya. She stepped inside, carrying a tray laden with a breakfast you wouldn’t eat and insist she have instead. You’d grown used to her presence, fond of her even, and you smiled at her as she walked in. With Childe in tow. Your eyebrows quirked up in surprise, and you rose to your feet and moved to grab your cloak from where it was draped across the back of your chair. Which it blatantly wasn’t. You frowned.

“Anya, Lord Eleven,” you greeted them, patting Anya’s shoulder as she walked past you to set the tray on the table in front of the fireplace. Childe eyed the motion, mildly jealous. Not that you noticed, too preoccupied with looking for your cloak. “Good morning to you both.”

Anya remained silent, clearly nervous from the Harbinger’s presence. Childe had no such reservations; he strode up to you and ruffled your hair, undeterred by your glare. He’d made it a habit, much to your chagrin.

“Why so cold, Trixy? I came all this way and all you can offer me is a ‘Lord Eleven?’”

“I suppose you’d prefer ‘sweetheart?’” You deadpanned, your tone wry. He grinned.

“I would, actually.”

You brushed his response off, rummaging through your closet for your cloak. You were beginning to get irritated; the barely-receding headache and your lost cloak weren’t helping in the slightest.

“What’re you looking for?” He asked, leaning in from behind you to survey the closet’s interior.

“My damn cloak.”

“Oh, that stylish thing? You’ve lost it?” He’d noticed you weren’t wearing it the moment you opened the door; he was surprised to see you without it. Normally you had it over your clothes, and in its absence he couldn’t help but let his eyes linger on your figure. Knit turtlenecks looked unfairly good on you.

“Evidently,” you bit out, slamming the closet door shut. His eyes caught on the flowers painted at the base of it. Those hadn’t been there before; he’d know, this had been his room and he’d pulled several strings to make you its new resident. Cute. You liked to paint. You ran a hand through your hair with a disgruntled sigh, pondering your options. Or lack thereof; you’d spent a hefty chunk of mora on that cloak and you didn’t have an adequate replacement, especially considering the looming threat of getting sick.

“Damn it all,” you muttered under your breath, clipping your pocket watch onto your belt.

“What, don’t have anything else to wear?”

“No. Don’t sound so bloody smug about it,” you added. He chuckled; it was thoroughly enjoyable when you became aggravated enough to let go of just a bit of your polite facade.

“I can lend you something,” he suggested, leaning his shoulder against the closet. “For the right price,” he added with a wink. You shot him an unimpressed look, then let it drop off your face with sigh; you really didn’t have any other choice. It was either accept Childe’s help or increase the risk of getting sick by a significant margin, and catching a cold was very close to the bottom of your to-do list.

‘Alright,” you conceded with a resigned air.

“Great. I’ll be right back, then.” He sauntered out of the door, clearly pleased with himself though you couldn’t pinpoint why; he probably liked having you ask him for something, you concluded. (The idea of you wearing his clothes just excited him.)

You sighed and turned to Anya, who was hovering over the table with her hands clasped in front of her. “Thank you for the breakfast,” you said with a brief smile. “Would you eat it in my stead once I leave?”

She laughed quietly. “It’s a shame you refuse to have breakfast, miss. Isn’t it meant to be the most important meal of the day?”

“Gluconeogenesis will do just fine.” You knew she’d appreciate the joke, as she was a student in a Snezhnayan academy who’d taken the biology pathway. Sure enough, she chuckled under her breath.

“If you say so, miss.”

Childe returned a moment later with a white coat in his arms. You made to take it from him with a muttered ‘thank you,’ but instead he stepped behind you and draped it over your shoulders, gesturing at you to slip your arms through the sleeves.

“Ah- thank you, but there’s no need for that, really,” you said as he adjusted the prominent collar, a little embarrassed. He ruffled your hair, and you grudgingly let him.

“Nonsense. It looks fantastic on you, Trixy.”

You let out an amused chuckle, rolling up the long sleeves. It was clearly made for someone with broader shoulders and a taller frame than you; the hem fell almost to your knees and the seam of the shoulder was too far down your arm. Still, it was warm, and you appreciated it.

“Thank you again, Eleven,” you replied with a small, earnest smile. Childe was immensely grateful you looked away to grab some paperwork so you wouldn’t see the love-struck look on his face. You’d never smiled at him without a bite of irony before. “I’ll return it to you as soon as I’ve found my cloak.” He was almost disappointed.

“It’s no rush, you’re welcome,” he replied when his tongue finally started working again. You left the room and he followed you.

“Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask you or Lady Eight,” you added off-handedly, weaving between the crowds of people in the hallways. “Do you know anyone named ‘Regrator?’”

“Huh? What do you need him for?”

“The Doctor told me I should ask him about why I didn’t get a mask. Or a uniform, for that matter. Where could I find him? Who is he, anyway?”

Childe followed close behind you as you made your way up the spiral staircase to the lab.

“Well, Regrator is the Ninth Harbinger’s code name.”

You paused in your tracks, glancing back at him with a surprised expression.

“Really, now? Why would the Doctor refer me to him for matters as trivial as a recruit’s uniform?”

Childe shrugged. “He’s the banker, to put it simply.”

“That… doesn’t offer a very satisfactory explanation. Is the delegation of work among the Harbingers devoid of logic?”

“Sure,” he allowed with a laugh.

“Right.” You sighed, starting back up the stairs and mulling over this new information. It was unlikely you’d be able to get an audience with a Harbinger you had no affiliation with, much less for something as inconsequential as a missing uniform.

“Why do you want a mask, anyway?” Childe prodded. The world was all the better with your eyes on display, he thought.

“It’s unreasonable for every other employee to have one with me as the exception.”

“You’re just special like that, Trixy,” he teased.

“Oh, yes, I am simply bursting with individuality,” you quipped back. “The first candidate who comes to mind for exclusive treatment.” Reaching the door to the lab, you tapped the four corners and knocked twice on the centre with the knuckle of your index finger. You turned back to Childe as it swung open.

“I’ll see you in the dining hall today,” you informed him.

“Finally you decide we’re worthy of your presence! What brought about the change in heart?”

“I need some jueyun chilis from the kitchen,” you reply over your shoulder as you head into the lab.

“I’ll hold you to your promise!” He called as the door slammed shut behind you.

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notoneopinion · 6 months

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10 Ways I Soothe Anxiety

Hello. I have anxiety.

I have anxiety, but I have also managed to somehow keep a pretty good life for myself through it all. Getting out of bed when you have a paralysing fear of the world is not an easy task, but there are a few things I have found that make it that little bit easier, life that little bit smoother. And because we certainly don't gatekeep here, I thought I'd share the ten main ways I soothe anxiety. Basically, ten things I do to switch off and remove myself from my brain.

1. Turn your phone off.

An obvious one, but probably one of the most important. It's insane how clogged a person's brain will get when they spend their day glued to a phone screen. For me, it's not even just social media that sets me off, though that is a massive trigger for me and many other people; it's the phone in general. I could be playing Angry Birds for twenty-four hours and still finish the day feeling gross and anxious and guilty. The screen itself just makes me feel groggy, which in turn leaves me feeling anxious by the time I'm getting into bed that night. There are some days I will wake up, and just turn my phone off completely - usually days when I know I'm going to be at home all day, but still. That extended break from screen time is a life saver.

2. Fidget toys.

Okay, so I may also have autism.

But!!!! Fidget toys are miracle workers for all kinds of mental illnesses and uncomfortable feelings, so don't think you can't invest in some just because you're not on the spectrum. Fidget toys are literally made to soothe anxiety, so get yourself some!! I have one called a Tangle that I keep on me at all times, and I just mess with it in my pocket when I'm in a social situation and I don't know what to do with my hands, or I start feeling a little overwhelmed. It brings my fight or flight right down. I don't know the science behind it, but I honestly don't even care. Give me fidget toys, or give me death.

3. Model making, eg Legos, 3D puzzles.

Legos and 3D puzzles are another thing that has changed the game for me when it comes to anxiety. Like fidget toys, they are the perfect way to keep your hands busy, but they have the added bonus of keeping your mind busy, too. These are, of course, more of a relaxation technique, something you come home to after a stressful day rather than something to eliminate anxiety on the spot, but we'll take what we can get. These also keep you relaxed and distracted for hours, because there is hours worth of work to be put into them. Plus, they're very addictive - once you start on a Lego set, or a puzzle, you don't want to stop until it's finished. I've sat for eleven hours straight doing a Lego set just because I wanted to see the finished product as soon as possible, and during those eleven hours, my anxiety was non-existent. I was just enjoying myself the entire time.

4. Have a nap.

Very self explanatory, and yet controversial???

But genuinely, just go to sleep??? If you're having a gruesome day, and your mind is bullying you, and you're exhausted, just lay down and go to sleep. Fuck what other people say. There is nothing wrong with clocking out from the horrors of the real world for a few hours. As long as you get back up, all refreshed and ready to tackle another day, who cares??

5. Talk to a loved one.

I am very blessed that I can put this on the list. I know this can be a very difficult coping mechanism for a lot of people - trust me, I know. Growing up, my anxiety was my own, and not once did it ever occur to me to share that problem with anyone else. However, after meeting the right people, and understanding that nobody is going to be annoyed about hearing my problems, talking to people became one of the best and most useful coping mechanisms I've got. It can be as simple as sending your best friend a text telling them how you're feeling, or you can go all out and sit your Mum down with a cup of tea and bawl your eyes out. Getting those feelings out will give you a physical relief as well as a mental relief; the weight you've been carrying, a weight you probably don't even notice any more, will be gone in a matter of minutes. I promise you.

6. Exercise.

I know. I was shocked too. All those scientists that told us exercise and moving your body is good for your mental health were right. Bastards.

Just go on a walk. That's what I mean when I say 'exercise.' If you want to go to the gym and lift weights, or run a marathon, you go right ahead. More power to you. But by 'exercise' I just mean. . . move your body. Take the dog on a walk! Walk to the shop instead of driving! Get a bike! The tiniest bit of movement in a day can do wonders, whether we want to admit it or not.

7. Blast happy, sing-in-the-car music.

There's a playlist of Spotify that I highly recommend when it comes to wanting to escape reality and just have a good time. It's literally called Songs to Sing in the Car, and it's one of those playlists Spotify make themselves, just full of songs that you can sing at the top of your lungs, or blast through your headphones, and just have a real good time for a little while. I know it's easy sometimes to just go straight to that playlist full of sad songs that you can relate to in that moment, but try and go for a different approach - go find old bangers that you used to jump around to as a kid. It's a breath of fresh air.

8. Do chores.

Two in one baby!

A good chunk of the time, our anxiety is stemming from our to-do list, even if we're not thinking about it. All around us is evidence of all the unfinished tasks we've got to do, and that can really stress you out. Personally, whenever I'm anxious, I become almost camotose; I will just sit on the sofa and stare at the wall, feeling everything all at once. However, I've found that using this time to do little tasks around the house actually makes me feel better. I'm not saying I go and do a full massive clean; I might push myself just a bit to wash one or two dishes, or the whole sink if I can manage it. I'll hoover the living room floor. I'll go upstairs and put my clothes away. Just tiny jobs, only as much as I can push myself to do. A lot of the time, one job turns into two, and then two turns to three, and soon my house is spotless, and you know what they say - clean space, clear mind!

9. Take up knitting/ crocheting.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. I only discovered this as a coping mechanism when I was suffering from really bad insomnia and I couldn't sleep; I somehow found myself watching YouTube tutorials on knitting, and I was overcome with this intense urge to learn. It was literally one in the morning, and I drove to my Mum's house (dragged my fiance out of bed to come with me, too, sorry babe <3) and grabbed knitting needles and some yarn. I was up knitting for about an hour, and I felt so relaxed that I actually managed to go to sleep! For the first time in days! So not only can you make really cute clothes and nick-nacks and learn a new skill, you're also relaxing that anxious brain of yours for a little bit.

10. Have a good cry.

Yeah. Just this.

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annie-creates · 1 year

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My beautiful nightmare

Pairing: Lady Lesso x reader

Genre: fluff

Words: 800

Note: Hi darling, as I've said I don't wanna write another part of that story as I would have probably killed someone and I don't wanna make anyone (including myself) cry. I left the ending open so everyone can imagine the ending they want. But I've written a different family piece for you, hope it will make up for it a bit.

Lady Lesso was a force to be reckoned with. She was respected by all and feared by most. Nevers went silent when she stepped into the room and Evers cleared out of her way. No one wanted to be the center of her attention, much less her wrath. She was known to be cruel, coldhearted and firm. The smallest mistake or fault in her mood could earn you hours in the doom room, and that was a fate no one wanted to challenge. But she was also collected and deliberate. Almost anyone could get to her nerves. Except for you.

You were a shy little mouse when you started teaching in the school for evil. Quiet, subdued, and seemingly scared of everything and everyone around you. Even your students had fun of you sometimes for being too tranquil to be a real Never. But as soon as you got facilitated around the place you became the real devil in disguise. Not only did you pester your students to prepare them for all the dangers of the outside world, but you also caught out your colleagues and other authorities.

Lesso didn’t exactly appreciate that as you were showing her the fatuous incapability of her own staff. All the complain about your tricks and traps bored her to no avail. The moment she fell into one of your snares herself was the cherry on the cake of her anger. But the more you annoyed her the more you enjoyed yourself and your little shenanigans. Soon it became your personal mission to get her as many times as possible. Your highest score was two times a day so far. It annoyed her to the highest levels yet firing you wasn’t much of an option. The Nevers strangely took a liking to you, or at least appreciated your wit. And then, you were the best teacher she had here, as you have so inaptly shown her.

“You are my worst nightmare Y/l/n,” she told you once, but you took it as a compliment.

What’s better than misguiding the devil herself? She almost got used to it… so much that the moment you fell ill and couldn’t leave your bed for a week, she found herself missing your pranks. Not that she would ever admit such thing out loud of course. Your artifice and cunning was something she started to admire. She found herself enamored by you. You were still her worst nightmare tho, and she made sure to tell you every time you angered her.

Now you were sitting at the terrace bench, your back supported by cushions, looking over the magnificent mountains. You loved the peace and quietness of the place, one of the reasons you decided to move here. Whoever said Nevers can’t enjoy nice things must have been really really wrong. Sometimes you missed the busyness of the school, but you moved on in your life and you had more important pressing matters to attend to.

“How’s out little spider doing?” Leonora asked as she walked up to you, hands full of chopped wood and sleeves pulled up.

“Taking his after-lunch nap,” you replied with a smile, controlling the baby you were rocking in your arms.

“Mama I wanna play,” your daughter whined as she came back from the trip with her mother.

“You have to wait till Y/s/n is a bit older my dear viper. I promise you he’ll be in all the trouble with you then,” you assured the little girl. “Don’t worry, he’ll be running around before you blink.”

“How do you know? It’s taking him too long,” Y/d/n wasn’t having your excuses.

“Because that’s what you did to me and mommy. You grew up before we turned around to wipe your chin,” your wife laughed at that as your daughter got obviously tired with the conversation already and ran into the house to do god knows what.

“Well she’s not wrong, I can’t wait for out little demon to run around causing trouble either,” Leonora admits as she sits next to you, taking your son in her arms.

“I’m sure you can’t. Maybe you should be cleaning up all the mess this time,” you taunt her leaning your head on her shoulder.

“Hey, they got that after you!” Lesso argues with an amused smile.

“Yeah sure, cause the dean of evil and wickedness herself is a good little angel who wouldn’t hurt a fly,” sometimes she was just as annoying as you could be, but you loved her for it none the less. “But I love you with all your devilry and spite.” you assure her, you adored and sometimes even envied her troubling cruel talents.

“I love you, my beautiful nightmare.” Leonora exclaimed as she kissed your head, admiring the little vicious family you’ve build together.

#lady lesso x you #lady lesso x reader #lady leonora lesso x reader #leonora lesso x reader #lady leonora lesso #lady lesso fluff #leonora lesso #dean of evil #sge #tsfgae #the school for good and evil #charlize theron #fanfic #fanfiction

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bosskie · 16 days

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Molluck Pixel Thing 2

Man, drawing this was yet another ride... I just felt like that I really gotta learn to draw in a more realistic way (= photorealism) in order to make my art look better. So, I wanted to try out drawing a realistic pixel portrait about Molluck. I had to adjust and edit this so many times that it almost triggered a mental breakdown... Just started to feel like I should quit art, hating myself for loving Molluck, just felt like hating my own creations, that I shouldn't even be a part of this community... That feeling made me cry, just felt so awful... Once, my mind made me unable to think about Molluck for a day, made him leave my mind... I just don't wish my mind to take him away from me, it would make me feel so empty...

I feel unsure about this but this has less flaws than the previous pixel Molluck thing, so I guess that it's time to change avatar too, even I feel like this doesn't look good as an avatar... I just keep feeling like there is always something wrong in my art but I'm not skilled enough to fix those flaws... Man, why must Molluck be so hard to draw... Been drawing for almost 3 years only this Gluk and still feel like I don't know how to draw him... Frankly, it depresses me but I'm trying not to give up even it comes to my mind almost every day. It felt like the only thing that made me stop me hating myself for loving Molluck was how much I do love him and how it would make him feel bad... Sometimes, I just think that why he would even love me or more like how he would start loving me since love needs no reasons... I haven't said this clearly but yes, I self-ship myself with Molluck and I wanna keep that stuff to myself, just like my NSFW Molluck stuff. I do have my own story for my self-ship, though I'm not totally sure about it, mostly just because I'm not sure how Molluck would have started to love me... It's just so difficult to see myself as someone to love, just anything lovable in me... But despite of this, thru him I'm able to have some self-love, tell myself that all the awful things I think about myself ain't true, that I shouldn't end this all...

I know that I should say that I'm sorry for having severe mental health issues but I still feel sorry... I just don't wanna pretend and Molluck just relates so closely to my mental health... It feels like I don't really feel like doing anything with my life but creating all this Molluck stuff is a pleasant way to waste/spend my time. I don't want any pity, just hope that my existence here doesn't ruin things, that I'm open about this long ass hell I'm going thru inside my head every single day... I'm just so tired... Feel like caring about things less and less...

I don't know how to end this post... This Gluk is just so important to me... It's interesting that our brains don't seem to care about if the one we love is 'real' or fictional. It's just not easy to find words for my thoughts but it just feels like my life would lost the last sense it makes to me if my mind took Molluck away from me... Also, sometimes, I just feel like everyone could draw Molluck better than me, just every single person in this world... I know, my ill mind can make me feel like irrational things are the truth, even I know that it's not the truth, but those lies still feel so real... But this feeling is just one of those reasons why I feel like quiting doing art, feeling like I could be easily replaced, nothing I draw is special, there is just no reasons to continue doing bad 'art' since I cannot draw in reality... I don't even really feel like calling myself an artist but a creator... But despite of these feelings, I still continue creating stuff since I just wanna create stuff, no matter how bad my stuff looks. I also just need more Molluck content... Frankly, I can admit that I'm kinda addicted to some of my Molluck content... Um, I guess that I can admit that all animations I have done about Molluck, both in 2D and in 3D (minus my Molluck game sprites), are NSFW content... I have been thinking about doing animations that I can also show but well, at least I have learned to get better in 3D animations, like I just found out camera stuff in Blender! I recently also felt like hating myself for spending so much effort on those animations... I just cannot help myself that all I want is that Gluk, my ill mind must just accept it.

I know that this can be odd but I cannot help this... This is my situation, this is what I love.

#molluck #oddworld molluck #molluck the glukkon #oddworld #art like a bosskie

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musingsofanaroace · 2 months

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Realizing I Had Autism

When did I suspect I had autism? In 2008, I had an interest in reading memoirs. One day, I came across Look Me in the Eye by John Elder Robison at my local library. While reading it, I noticed that many of his autistic traits matched with my unexplained and unusual behaviors.

My interest in memoirs quickly morphed into an interest in autism or Asperger’s as it was known then. I related heavily with people who had this neurodevelopmental condition but not completely, for alas, the term AuDHD didn’t exist yet.

At the time, I came to the erroneous conclusion that I didn’t have autism. It wasn’t until SciGuys did an episode on it that I realized I definitely had it. No doubt about it! Not long after that revelation, I went through the arduous process of getting an ASD assessment.

youtube

What traits of autism do I have?

Note: In this post, I will cover some but not all of the autistic traits I have. If I mentioned all of them, this post would be too long!

I’ve always had problems with oral communication. I take things literally and don’t know when someone is joshing with me. I also have a hard time figuring out facial expressions and how those translate into emotions. If you don’t tell me explicitly how you’re feeling, I won’t intuit it on my own. I also find that people often misunderstand me or find me rude, which I don’t get at all. I always try to be polite and friendly. People have also told me to smile or cheer up even when I’m happy.

I’ve always had an aversion to the phone even when talking to family and friends. I always have to script what I’ll say, and I’ll procrastinate making a phone call (even an important one) for hours or days. Once I’ve made the phone call and am speaking with someone, I have a hard time understanding what they’re saying. I definitely need subtitles or the ability to read their lips. I even social script before meeting someone in person for the first time. And job interviews are an absolute nightmare!

And even though it’s not true for all autistics, I’m the type of autistic who hates eye contact. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable like the sensation of bugs crawling under your skin. I also feel this way about hugs. When I know that someone expects or wants a hug from me, I have to mentally prepare myself. And this includes hugging family and friends.

I also struggle with emotional dysregulation. In this post, I’ll only focus on alexithymia. I have a really hard time describing or identifying my feelings. When I feel “not right”, I can’t immediately tell if its something like hunger or the start of an illness. And this lack of awareness makes it difficult to communicate my needs to family, friends, and medical professionals.

I also hate it when people ask me, “How are you?” or “How are you feeling?” Because nearly all of the time, I simply want to respond, “I don’t know. Give me an hour, and I’ll get back to you.” And its this lack of emotional awareness that leads to many of my shutdowns and meltdowns.

I also experience autistic inertia. It takes me forever to start a task, but once I do, I am that task until I complete it, or my timer goes off. And once one of those two inevitable events occur, I find it extremely difficult switching to the next task. And it’s very easy to get derailed. For example, as a kid, I would stay in the bathtub until my skin became wrinkled, or the water got too cold.

Another trait, I require routines to function and love making schedules even though my ADHD makes it difficult to stick to them. I’m also highly resistant to change, and even the slightest disruption in my daily routine or schedule will ruin me and disrupt my internal equilibrium. Every item I own has its place, and I become distressed when it’s moved or missing. Note: In nine out of ten cases, I can blame my ADHD. This is especially true for stores. When they move an item to a different location, I feel disorientated, which increases my anxiety. Shopping is already stressful enough without having the entire bloody store rearranged to make it even more so!

Now, I’ll discuss stimming. When concentrating (ie. Writing a novel.) I rock from side to side, which loosens the screws on my desk chair. (Sigh.) I always have to retighten them after every writing session. I will also play with the tags on my shirts or rub the cotton fabric with my pointer finger and thumb. When excited, I flap my hands and make a wee sound. I may also twist and clap my hands. And when at the ultimate level of excitement, foot stomping may commence. When frustrated, I used to pound the surface of my metal desk with my fists, but now I simply walk in circles flapping my hands and talking through the frustration. It may look bizarre, but at least I don’t injure my hands or risk broken bones.

I only stim when at home, and only really close family and friends have seen me stim. I’d feel too embarrassed doing it anywhere else.

Next trait, I have special interests that I will hyper fixate on to an extreme degree. Some of the long term special interests I have include the following: dinosaurs, bronze age civilizations, PC puzzle games, psychology, gender and sexuality studies, biology, and natural history. When engaged in an enjoyable hobby or special interest, I’ll hyper focus to the point that my surroundings became irrelevant including my bodily needs. That’s why I have to set a timer beforehand.

Before addressing the final trait, I would like to discuss a few of the autistic traits I displayed as a child.

When I was a toddler, I liked watching the clothes as they tumbled in the dryer and the rain as it slid down the windowpane. I didn’t like dishes that combined too many different food types and would spend several minutes deconstructing it into its individual parts before taking a single bite. I also hated spoons and would only eat with a fork. If I had to eat soup or cereal, I would simply drink it.

I also had delayed speech and didn’t start speaking until I was three. At first, I would simply repeat what other said. And only after several sessions of speech therapy did I finally form my own words and sentences.

In Kindergarden, I enjoyed playing by myself. I would spend playtime color coding these cardboard bricks before lining and stacking them up. Each row a different color. I also liked to line up my toy cars and plastic dinosaurs. When a bit older, I would display my toys rather than play with them. When my sister touched them, I would become agitated and annoyed. For each toy had a specific place on my self, and it belonged nowhere else.

In primary school, I had unusual interests. I hated cartoons and would only watch game shows or documentaries. The only animated films I watched were those produced by Disney or those related to my special interests.

And now, I'll address the final autistic trait I have: sensory issues. In regards to sight, I find everything too bright. The world contains too many headlights, fluorescent lights, streetlights, parking lights, and traffic lights. The two worse offenders are headlights mixed with rain, and the sun reflecting off of snow.

In regards to sound, I can’t stand sudden, high pitched noises such as sirens, alarms, or fireworks. The Fourth of July is the worst holiday in my opinion. I also have difficulty in crowded spaces where there are too many people conversing simultaneously, or when I’m assaulted by multiple environmental and manmade noises at once.

In regards to smell, I can’t stand the scent of tar, coffee, body odor, or certain perfumes/colognes. And contrary to popular belief, I don’t become accustomed to these offending odors over time. Instead of decreasing in intensity the longer I’m exposed to them, the opposite happens. I become even more aware of them, and thus they become even more offensive to me.

In regards to taste, I can’t stand when my food contains too many spices or condiments. I therefore eat and enjoy pretty bland dishes.

In regards to texture, I can’t stand the feel of Brussel sprouts, peaches, or meat in my mouth. I also need to wash my clothes in fabric softener before I wear them for the first time. This makes trying on clothes before I buy them difficult.

In regards to proprioception, I’m always bumping into things and getting bruises with no known origin. As a kid, I really struggled learning how to ride a bike without the training wheels and didn’t accomplish this feat until I was ten. I also struggle with writing neatly, tying my shoes, roller skating, bowling, miniature golfing, skipping rope, and playing ball sports. I also don’t seem to have a sense of effort or heaviness. As a kid, I unintentionally broke many pens and pencils. And I’m constantly surprised by how heavy or light something is.

In regards to interoception, I have a high pain tolerance and an unawareness of my internal needs such as hunger or thirst.

And lastly, in regards to vestibular, my balance is atrocious. Don’t ask me to walk a straight line, cut on the line, or color within the lines because I will not be able to complete these simple tasks.

And this concludes how I realized I had autism. If you have anything to add, please leave it in the comments. Until next time, take care and stay curious.

#autism #autism spectrum disorder #personal essay #audhd #sci guys #neurodivergent #Youtube

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riversofmars · 1 year

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Femslash February is over, so here we are, back to my magnum opus!

Chapter 21: Momentum

In every story there comes a shift in momentum as you prepare for the final showdown, the big finale, the climax that everything has been building towards. It can be subtle or it can be abrupt. Something had changed in my life as the curtain rose on what you might think of as the final act of this story. The change had been earth shattering for me. I spent the night huddled close to Helen, resting in each other’s arms and it was the most wonderful sort of change, the fulfilment of what I had longed for for so long. It was a rest well deserved and much needed, as the momentum was about to shift.

---

I pushed myself up on my elbows to the sound of the doorbell of my quarters. At first I couldn’t place the sound and I looked around confused. I had been lying on my bed reading when the beeping sound had broken my concentration. It was late and no-one ever took the time to visit us in our quarters but there was a first for everything. The door slid open revealing one of the lead scientists.

“Med-tech Chenka?” He greeted me with a thin smile and stepped inside without waiting to be asked in.

“Yes?” I sat up properly and put the tablet down to give him my full attention.

“I hope I’m not interrupting,” he scanned my room and I got to my feet.

“No, of course not. How can I help?” I tried not to be too self conscious about the mess. Despite having little I called my own, I still managed to create a chaotic state wherever I went. It’s part of my charm though perhaps not entirely helpful when dealing with the people that were in charge of the limited future I had.

“I was pleased to see you finally had the opportunity to take your medical,” he said at last when he returned his attention to me and my heart jumped into my throat. Had they noticed I had doctored the results? Was there something wrong? Why else would he be visiting me in private without anyone to witness? Surely, if they were good news, they could have waited till morning. “That concludes all necessary tests and the vetting process. I’m happy to say, we are good to go,” he flashed a brief smile and I was almost more shocked by the ease with which he put the matter off, than I would have been had there been an issue.

“Oh that’s great. Glad to hear the results were satisfactory,” I stuttered and quickly recovered to put on a smile as if there had never been any doubt I would pass with flying colours.

“Yes, indeed, so were we,” she gave back. Usually, I’m very good at reading people but I couldn’t get a measure on him at all; whether he truly believed everything was in order or if he suspected something.

“So what is the time-line from here?” I asked to fill the silence as he made no attempts at leaving.

“There are a few weeks of preparation yet but I suggest you get well acquainted with the idea of setting off into a distant future,” he answered and I nodded.

“Wonderful.”

“There is something else,” he revealed after another moment of silence that I could sense growing heavier. Here came the catch I was dreading.

“Right…” I tried not to fidget. When I’m anxious I fiddle with things, I wring my hands and sometimes bite my nails, all tell tale signs that I was hoping to avoid. They would surely give away that I had something to hide. But why would he said I had passed the tests if-

“We have received confirmation of your employment history,” he went on and I nodded.

“Okay…”

“You never mentioned you had a sister,” he concluded and I blinked. While I hadn’t known what to expect, that was certainly not it. They must have gone as far back as Kaldor in their research.

“Tula? How do you- I mean- It never seemed important. Besides, we haven’t been in contact, I have no idea what she’s up to these days…” I really didn’t and I felt a sting of guilt at the truthful admission. You see, my relationship to my sister had always been somewhat strained, particularly during the time of our father’s illness and after his death. It was a rift that at the time I didn’t think would ever heal. It has now, years later after I returned to Kaldor with the Doctor and spent a whole year with her. But way back then, Tula was nothing but a distant memory and that very fact was painful to admit to.

“Working for the Company on Kaldor,” he added almost pleasantly and I nodded once more.

“Of course she is.” Tula had taken up work for the Company straight out of university, so it wasn’t much of a surprise, though I imagined she would be in a far more senior role these days. She had, after all, always been ambitious and head-strong. In some ways we were far more alike than I liked to admit and it had resulted in many disagreements.

“She seemed pleased to hear you were well. We have a message from her for you if you are interested-” He reached into his lab coat and produced a small data chip that he held out to me. It was a most surprising turn of events. Despite the years of not talking and the fights we’d had before that, I reached for the chip eagerly.

“I- Yes. Yes, that would be-” Looking back I think it had something to do with the fact that I was taking stock of my life at that point as I prepared to launch into the unknown for my final adventure. Tula was a significant part of my past. My only living family. It almost seemed poetic that close to the end. “Thank you.”

“It’s no matter. There was a lot of interesting content in the data package,” he observed as I turned the chip between my fingers in wonder. “Such as a warrant for your arrest on charges of collaboration with the Daleks.”

I nearly dropped the chip as my eyes shot up to him. My heart stalled.

“I- I can explain.” I stuttered, barely recovering from the whiplash of the shocking revelation and the utter casualness with which he presented me with his findings. My mind was starting to race. There was that catch at last. But how was I to prove my version of events over what my actions had been misconstrued as? I had no proof. I had no way of-

“We have, of course, taken steps to assure the authorities that we have no knowledge of your whereabouts and that you can’t be traced here,” he carried on before I could launch into a defence of myself.

“You- You have?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This was not how I had imagined such a conversation might go, so I decided to try and calm myself and see where this was going.

“Given your suitability for this mission and how far the process has already advanced, we’re not prepared to lose you,” he explained and slowly the vice grip of panic eased around my chest.

“I- I don’t know what to say.” I really didn’t.

“Thank you would be a start,” he prompted and I nodded, perplexed.

“Thank you…” I stared at him. “So you don’t… care?”

“That you’re a traitor to your race?” He observed bluntly and the word made my flinch. “Is it going to impede on your ability to do your job?”

“No, of course not,” I interjected quickly but wanted to explain myself: “Besides, I wasn’t-” I wanted to set the record straight but there was no opportunity.

“Then we shouldn’t have a problem,” he carried on, evidently not caring to hear any more on the matter. “We also didn’t tell your sister, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“Thank you…” I breathed and he smiled:

“Welcome to the crew, Med-tech Chenka.” And with that he departed, leaving me in a state of shock.

I released a sigh of relief when I was alone once more. That had been an incredibly close call and my heart continued to pound in my chest for some time after until I was finally able to relax. I couldn’t believe I had gotten away with swindling the results of the medical and I wondered - given the morally flexible approach they had taken regarding my charges - whether I could have been honest about my condition and still been accepted. They seemed to really want me on this mission.

The fact that they had simply brushed over my chequered past without concern if it was true or not, did leave me wondering about the motivations and morals guiding the Institute, but in the end I decided that it didn’t matter. I wasn’t here to do their bidding or further their agenda. They would have precious little influence on us once we were in the depth of space. Even if they intended to use me and the mission for some nefarious reason, it almost didn’t matter, as I was using them too for my own agenda.

My eyes fell onto the data chip in my hand. A message from Tula. I had spent precious little time thinking about my sister and the guilt settled deep in my gut, making me feel nauseous. We hadn’t been close for years, but I could have spared her a thought every now and then… At least now she knew where I was and that was worth a lot. It meant she wouldn’t be left wondering what had happened to me. Maybe I could record a message and send it before we departed, say my goodbyes, tie up the loose ends… I had some time to consider my options, for the time being I was more concerned with listening to Tula’s message, so I pushed the chip into the tablet that I had been reading one and hit play.

“Hello, Liv. Nice to hear you’re still out there somewhere and in work, so that’s a plus- Sorry, that was uncalled for, it’s just- It’s been a while. I hope you’re well. I didn’t get much information on what it is you’re actually doing, but if they are gathering that much background that they reached out to me, it might be something exciting and significant, so well done you. Maybe, once you’re done with whatever it is you’re doing… maybe you could take a trip to Kaldor some time. It would be nice to see you… Anyway, while I have the opportunity, I just wanted to say good luck.”

——

When I woke up, I was disoriented. I knew I was not in the frontier colonies, despite my mind conjuring up the image of the room I used to stay in at ISI. It had been a dream and surprisingly, not a terrible one. The nightmares had kept their distance and the reason for it lay right beside me, sleeping soundly still. Helen was lying on her side, she was facing away from me but had her fingers curled around mine, pulling my arm around herself like a protective barrier. She was holding it close, having dragged my whole body along, I had moved to lie behind her, matching my body to the soft curve of hers. I felt her chest rise and fall slowly as I raised my head a little to look at her. She seemed content and peaceful and it made my heart soar.

I nuzzled into her neck, her soft hair tickling my face and I smiled. I inhaled deeply, savouring the moment and I couldn’t resist the temptation of pressing my lips to her neck. Helen gave a soft drowsy sigh and I smiled against her skin. I kissed her there again and trailed more kisses down her neck and to her shoulder, any bit of exposed skin I could find. I was fully prepared for Helen to scold and stop me but she hadn’t complained yet and I wasn’t going to waste the opportunity.

“That’s a nice way to wake up…“ Helen hummed at last and I chuckled softly.

“For me too,“ I admitted and tugged my arm back, rolling her over to lie on her back. She giggled and it was the most heartwarming sound.

“Good morning, Liv.“ She looked up to me with a smile as I hovered over her.

“Good morning, Helen.“ I leaned down and kissed her.

For the moment, all our worries were forgotten.

“How did you sleep?” She asked, brushing my hair back that continued to fall into my face.

“Better than I have in a long time,” I confessed entirely truthfully. “How about you?”

“Me too,” she answered softly and her hand found the base of my neck, resting there comfortably. “I was so… I hardly slept while we were… you know. When I kept you at arms length…” She took a deep breath. “I was so worried for our future…”

“And now?” I enquired gently. I didn’t want to push her too hard but I wanted to take advantage of her opening up to me. It was a most intimate, wonderful feeling to finally be allowed behind the walls she had put up between us and that to some extent always had existed, as she had kept her heart well guarded.

“Now I’m worried for the future in a different way,” she confessed with something of a helpless smile. “But… being with you just… I suppose you have a calming influence.”

“Be sure to tell that to the Doctor,” I joked. “That’s something that’s never been said about me before.”

“Liv…” she brushed my hair back and hesitated for a moment, then asked: “You will be careful, won’t you? You won’t-”

“No,” I shook my head quickly and firmly. “There is no way I’m giving up on this.” And I meant that. I longed to bury my fears and the dread I felt about my potential death deep down and so I kissed her again, hoping to forget the world and all my worries. I can’t speak to Helen’s thought process or intentions, but I imagine she might have been longing to do much the same, as she pulled me close and returned my kiss just as eagerly.

---

“Good morning, you two lovebirds,” River greeted us when we returned to the main area of operations. Eventually, guilt and a sense of responsibility had won out and made us get up, otherwise we’d likely have stayed in our little bubble of bliss all day. River’s words, however, quickly brought us back to reality as she met us halfway to the office where the Doctors were likely making plans.

“River!” I hissed a warning at her but she didn’t seem bothered. I suppose the legendary River Song is not so easily intimidated, she’d faced down far worse than me.

“Oh don’t be precious Liv,” she tutted and it seemed she might have been on her way to come and find us, as she fell into step with us instead of carrying on.

“We’re not ready for people to know yet,” I continued while Helen remained silent, though her pinked cheeks indicated she was paying attention.

“Then you might want to try to look a little less smitten with each other,” the professor hummed, obviously amused and I pushed my hands into my pockets to resist the ever-present urge to reach for Helen’s hand. “You got here just at the right time,” she revealed and ushered us into the office.

“How’s things progressing? Have we got a plan?” Helen queried and we looked around the room. I couldn’t help but wonder if any of them had had any sleep at all. The Doctor’s certainly hadn’t, and I doubted Kate and Osgood had either. They hardly seemed to have moved from when we had left them the previous night.

“We have indeed,” the Doctor announced, brimming with excitement. It was nice to see enthusiasm returning to his eyes. It gave me hope too and we eagerly awaited his answer: “We will break through the bubble!”

“Right… and something more concrete than that?” I asked drily. I had expected more.

“It’s the only way to truly stop the Daleks from repeating this time loop. We have to step out of it,” he continued, visibly displeased by our lack of applause. The Doctor did so enjoy an adoring audience.

“And how do you suggest we do that,” I continued, trying my best not to sound too sarcastic. I had limited success.

“Simple,” the other Doctor interjected. “We fly.”

“Of course,” I groaned and the thin smile Helen offered was the polite equivalent to my reaction. If this was all they had come up with in the night, we were in big trouble indeed.

“All we need is a ship. I managed to record the frequency the shield is operating on, remember?” The future Doctor elaborated, finally giving the idea some substance. “If we are able to equip a ship accordingly, we would be able to phase through it. So long as we were undetected.”

“What sort of ship? A plane won’t do it. We’d need a spaceship,” Helen observed thoughtfully and I wholeheartedly agreed:

“In 2020? That’s gonna be a tall order. It would need to be something more versatile than a shuttle.”

“Well, then I suppose it’s lucky UNIT deal in technology far in advance of our time,” Kate interjected with a smile. They had obviously discussed the ins and outs of this plan in our absence.

“You could hardly keep a skimmer down here,” I commented but my curiosity was piqued.

“No… but we have other hiding places,” Osgood revealed with a proud smile.

“That we can get to without the Daleks noticing?” I pushed on.

“And that haven’t been destroyed?” Helen added. Despite the serious situation, I gave a little smile, remarking on how often we were completely in tune with each other, following the same thought patterns and reaching the same conclusions. It was a lovely reminder of how perfectly matched we were.

“We can’t be sure-” Kate conceded but our Doctor interrupted:

“Either way, we have to try. It’s our best-”

“If not our only option,” his future self finished his sentence.

“And then what?” I asked, assuming for a moment we would in fact manage to get our hands on a suitable ship. “We just… fly at them?” I tried to imagine how things might come together but every scenario just concluded the same way: “Surely that’s a surefire way of making them flip the switch or just blow us out of the sky.”

“We will have to create a diversion of course,” the blonde Doctor explained and the whole thing was beginning to sound awfully familiar. It was our Doctor that confirmed what I was suspecting:

“We got pretty far that last time,“ he supplied. “Setting up a distraction to allow us to get to the ship undetected. It’s a good plan.“ He gave me a wry smile as if he could read my mind.

“It’s also the closest they got to winning,” River stepped in, having followed the conversation silently until then. I had almost forgotten she had watched us go about this repetitive exercise again and again. “That’s the trouble. If it was just a matter of shooting their ship out of the sky or defeating their troops… we need to get in there before they can flip the switch.”

“There must be another way,“ Helen spoke up, visibly displeased and she turned to me: “You died that time…“

“I’m really not very keen to go through that one…” I agreed but it seemed the others had already discussed this matter:

“You will be elsewhere,” River interjected. “You will fly the ship.“

“I don’t want to be split up, I-” I immediately protested. I wanted to grab Helen’s hand but didn’t given the fact that all eyes were on me. As terrifying as it would be to follow the same plan that had brought my death last time around, I wanted to be wherever Helen was.

“It’s your best chance. I will be with you and one of the Doctors…” River’s voice softened, it wasn’t unlike the time she had found me in my bedroom after I had been witness to my own demise. She had a compassionate side beyond the loud personality, reserved for these moments, and it was effective, I had to give her that. I lowered my head as I understood what she was saying, regardless of whether I liked it or not.

“And we can utilise your arrival for the distraction,” the blonde Doctor jumped in, continuing to outline the plan they had agreed upon. I got the sense we wouldn’t have a say in the matter. “We won’t be able to fly the TARDIS, the only reason it’s even able to come and go is before it happened before the cordon went up. But we will need it regardless.”

“What for?” I asked as I wanted to understand at the very least.

“To destabilise the field. Modifications to the shuttle won’t be enough,” our Doctor explained patiently.

“This plan is getting more unrealistic with every moment…” I huffed, uneasy. It was a typical Doctor plan. Utterly ridiculous and still, somehow, our best option.

“But we do have the best possible odds, remember?” River gave me a wink of reassurance and that was something I couldn’t argue with. If it was ever going to work…

“I suppose so…”

“Will our memories change?” Helen interjected suddenly and the Doctor frowned:

“What?”

“If we go to meet ourselves, find the TARDIS during our arrival… will our memories change if we don’t see Liv die?” She elaborated and admittedly, that was something I hadn’t even considered. By meeting ourselves again, under different circumstances, we would be opening up a whole other can of worms.

“How does that even work? We remember what we saw…“ I agreed. “If this is the God knows which attempt… how come…“

“Your memory might simply change,“ the future Doctor gave a nonchalant shrug that did nothing to reassure me.

“I wouldn’t mind forgetting about that…” Helen hummed and I longed to reach out for her. A flash of pain crossed her face at the painful memory. I couldn’t imagine how she must have felt in that moment, now that I knew that even then, she had felt for me more deeply than she’d ever led on.

“So we enlist our past selves to help and utilise their TARDIS?” I sought to move the conversation along and spare her dwelling on things we couldn’t change now.

“To be honest, we don’t know what will happen to your memories when that happens. This is the first time we’re trying it like that. Last time was the first time you arrived because it was only then that I’d given you the notebook,” River interjected and what had previously seemed logical and straightforward became a jumble.

“My head is starting to hurt,” I groaned and Helen frowned:

“It makes sense… kind of…”

“There is no point in worrying about that now. We will address one problem at a time and see how we go, that’s all we can do,” the blonde Doctor clapped her hands together and her younger self added:

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to agree. One thing we have to be aware of, however, is that there might be severe temporal fallout from this,” he warned.

“We will be,” Osgood spoke up, taking notes on her tablet. “But for now we have to get our timings right. We need to work out when that happens in relation to when we are now.” She looked around the room for answers, evidently eager to map things out in the greatest detail possible.

“I’ll be able to help with that,” River replied and walked over to join the UNIT scientist with her projections. Drawing on the notebook she had given me and notes retrieved from her own diary, she worked things out.

“How much time have we got?” I asked impatiently as I suddenly became aware of one terrifying truth: This might very well be the day and time I die. There would be no do-overs this time around. We only had the one shot now that River was with us and if something went wrong…

“A little under eight hours,” the professor answered at last and my blood ran cold. That was so much sooner than I had expected. For a moment, it felt as if time slowed down and I became oddly detached from myself. As I was trying to identify the things I was feeling, my eyes travelled around the room, looking to my friends for an indication on how I should be behaving or feeling. The Doctors were mirror images of each other of squared jaws and determined, yet bitter expressions. Kate looked insecure, faltering - though only for a split second - in her carefully curated image of strength, as she too seemed to find things moving along too quickly. River’s features had softened with something like compassion or pity as her eyes found mine and I looked further as I couldn’t face her. Osgood’s expression turned to a frown of concentration, trying to detach the data from its implications and Helen? Well… Helen went very pale indeed, much like myself.

I felt a sort of tingle in my limbs and a wave of cold panic that crept up my back. It was the sort of paralysing panic you felt when you truly took a moment to imagine death. Not just death in general but your own. The thought of everything simply ending and that terrible feeling of not knowing what came after - if anything. I had faced the prospect of my own death before, as you well know by now, but never have I had so much to live for.

“That’s hardly any time at all,” Helen whispered, her voice weak and I simply knew she had come to similar conclusions as I had.

“Just enough time to get organised,” Kate regained her air of leadership and control of the situation.

“Liv, I don’t want to split up,” Helen quickly turned to me and grabbed hold of my arm. I wasn’t quite able to respond yet, I simply turned to face her and my heart dropped at the look of fear in her eyes.

“Believe me, it’s the best way,” our Doctor tried to interject but it was River that succeeded in interrupting.

“Helen, can I talk to you for a minute?” She placed her hands on her shoulders, drawing her attention.

“I-” Helen looked around to her confused, then back to me. She appeared helpless which was just how I felt. It was probably a good thing. River would be able to put her at ease much better than I would in my panicking state. I could hardly keep myself together, how was I to be of any help to Helen? I needed air. I needed a moment just to myself to process what was happening.

“Go on. Not going anywhere yet,” I encouraged Helen as calmly as I could, I even managed a small smile and a nod. “I just… I’m gonna need a minute anyway… ”

“Of course,” River answered where Helen couldn’t.

“I will be right back…” I told them and took my leave.

---

I don’t know what I had expected, how we would solve the problem with the Daleks. Somehow, I had still held on to the hope the Doctors would come up with a weird and wonderful idea, a genius solution that would leave us all in awe and safe and sound in the long run. I had not expected to have to face the very scenario that I had watched play out in terrifying and heartbreaking detail before.

I didn’t go far. I just needed a moment away from the people that knew what the future might well have in store for me. I ran my hands through my hair and took a deep breath as slowly, the feeling of control returned.

I was in control of the future, I told myself.

I had been in far worse situations.

I had faced death before and come out on top every time.

You think we’re doing something special? Surviving whatever life has thrown at you so far is not a skill. It’s called ‘still being alive’. Everyone you’ve ever met has done it by definition. The Doctor’s defeatist words rung in my ears. There is always a way out until there isn’t. Maybe this was that time… I shook my head free of the memory, taking conciliation in the fact that even then, I had been right and we had survived.

I try and try again and then, I keep trying until there is nothing left. This couldn’t be that time that I failed. Not when Helen and I had gotten so far… But what if it was? What was there left to do before the end?

I caught sight of the hospital wing and started walking. If I only had eight hours left - regardless of whether we were successful or not and whether I would survive - there were things I had to do.

“Liv?” Tania looked up, evidently surprised to see me as I made my way over.

“How are you doing? How’s the leg,” I asked and the distraction did wonders to pull me away from the edge of breaking under my mental burden.

“Seen better days,” she huffed, gesturing towards her leg and I took a quick peek under the dressing, pleased with how the wound was looking. “I take it I can’t come with you?” She questioned when I straightened up again. “Assuming you will be doing something about the Daleks soon?” She cast a glance past me to the office.

“No. Sorry,” I shook my head and gave her an apologetic smile. “You’ll just have to place your trust in us, hard as that might be.”

“Not as hard as you might think,” she gave back rather kindly, an instant reminder of why I’d felt I needed to speak to her. She was such a kind, generous person and there were things I had to say, things she deserved to hear, so I could put the matter to rest and make my peace.

“Tania… there’s something… I just… I wanted to apologise for how things played out,” I said and lowered my eyes. I truly was sorry. Regardless of how much she had insisted that she hoped Helen and I would work things out, she would be hurt by it. It was human.

“Oh, I see…” She must have taken my meaning from my very demeanour. She sounded stung and I couldn’t blame her.

“It’s not- It’s just-” I wanted to explain but I couldn’t find the right words. My thoughts were still a jumble. I should have prepared something in my mind before marching over, but time was short in every sense of the word, so I blanked. Thankfully, Tania didn’t seem to need explanations:

“It’s fine, Liv, honestly. Otherwise I wouldn’t have said the things I did. I told Helen much the same,” she said after a moment of heavy silence.

“I see…” I mumbled.

“See, there was a reason why I asked what your relationship was. Whether I would be treading on any toes….” She hummed and slowly, her apprehension seemed to ease.

“Yeah… still… I’m sorry…” I told her honestly and she smiled.

“Apology accepted.”

“I think we’ve worked things out. Helen and I…” I said, making sure she really did know what I was apologising for.

“I believe it was about time,” she offered kindly. “Don’t worry. We’re fine.”

“Thank you. I’m glad,” I smiled and reached for her hand with a squeeze of gratitude. She nodded in acknowledgement, then smirked:

“Besides… Martha’s bedside manner is so much nicer than yours.” And just like that, the heaviness of the situation dispersed.

“Martha’s bedside manner?” I gaped, shocked for a moment, then laughed: “I see how it is!”

“Well, you know, a girl can dream,” Tania hummed playfully, casting a glance over to the medic who was seeing to a patient on the other side of the room.

“Well by all means, dream away. If things go well, we won’t be crammed down here much longer and free to go about our lives once more,” I stated, hoping I wasn’t promising too much. “I best be off.” As relieved as I was to have put things right with Tania, there was somewhere else I wanted to be now.

“Good luck, Liv,” she said with an encouraging smile.

“You too,” I winked at her, jerking my head towards Martha who was just scribbling some notes on a chart and she laughed.

When I made my way back to the office and spotted River still speaking to Helen. She had taken her outside, out of earshot of the others and I slowed my steps. I didn’t want to impose, so I waited and watched from a distance. Helen was evidently distraught and River seemed to be doing her best to calm and reassure her.

Dread was beginning to settle in my gut once more at sight of the genuine fear on Helen’s beautiful face. Fear for me. Fear of what was to come. And I could feel it too. Fear was creeping up my back again, I tensed up and struggled under the task of breathing. I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing down the panic, I didn’t have time for it. Eight hours and I might be dead. Eight hours was all I could be sure of. That was no time at all. And so I went to interrupt them.

#Fanfiction #A Numbers Game #liv/helen #liv chenka #helen sinclair #river song #eighth doctor #thirteenth doctor #tania bell #kate stewart #action/adventure #whump #femslash #flashbacks #long fic #doctor who #dw fanfic #big finish

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veersnz · 2 years

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Please read this

I know I’ve never made a post quite like this but please I urge everyone who comes across it to read the first part at least if the content below the line I put can hurt you (I put the various TW). It’s an important message I want to pass on

Please, please, please, listen to your body It may seem insignificant but our bodies are wonderful at communicating their needs. Food, water, sleep, medicine, etc… Never noticed how you don’t “think” when you’re breathing? It just knows, it knows how to do it. For sure those signals can be false or fallible after some events or diseases but in most cases, if your body requests something, it’s for its proper survival and wellbeing. For your wellbeing. We are our bodies. Take a moment and run your finger across your arm. How warm and smooth the skin is, how the color of your skin is this beautiful shade of human, how you can touch its different textures, hair, skin, moles, scars. Isn’t it intricate and beautiful ? I mean, how fantastic is a machine that can recognize air from water or a beautiful sunset from a magnificent sunrise ? We do lots of stuff unconsciously and yet, we more than often fail to realize how the mechanics behind those things can be attributed to this wonderful thing we live in. No matter what they look like, they’re all so diverse and beautiful. I know sometimes we don’t recognize our bodies, we feel stranded in this vessel we hate. I know that very well myself. Feeling like a glance in the mirror is a knife to the heart and that no amount of therapy or praise could fix any of it. That the relief we need is out of reach and we can’t help but envy those around us.

Now my message : Listen to it. Even if you don’t like your body, it loves you. You can see it as a pet or a friend. So if today you drank, ate and slept then I can for sure say your buddy is happy and I am proud of you. But even more than that, listen to it, if it hurts, if you feel sad or that something feels weird or wrong. Our bodies can bruise and heal, get a cut and scab or have a cold and recover. But even if it’s minor do not ignore it. Tend to it, be here for it. Register those signs and talk. Do not wait. Your body knows when something is wrong and the same as telling you it needs food, it’ll tell you if something is going on. Do not ignore the signs, talk to a professional and care for your most precious friend.

And most of all; those feelings you have, they are real, they are yours and they’re valid. Have faith in them and don’t let anyone doubt them. Don’t let anyone get into your head and make you believe that what you’re feeling isn’t real. It is. It’s your body and you know it best. And if you need someone to hear you, I am here and I believe you. I always will.

Now I do not want this to sound as criticism or blame, I just want this to just be a message to remember. I care for you all

TW: progressive illness, infection, medical terminology, medical gaslighting, negative emotions

For the past 2 years I’ve been experiencing various symptoms I attributed to my several mental illnesses. It made sense. I kept going on about my daily life but it got progressively worse. And while my mental health was getting better and better, I could see my body wasting away day by day. I talked to multiple doctors, did tests after tests and sought answers everywhere in the hopes of a response. Nothing ever came. “You’re too young”, “You already have depression, it’s obviously in your head”, “I’ve seen real sick people, you’re not one of them” they said. I started believing it was in my head, all those things I felt inside me were probably just because of yet another breakdown. At least my therapist helped me believe it even more.

But then I tried going back to school, and I kept feeling worse and worse, wondering how others could do it while I was there struggling to walk or stay awake. I was seriously doubting my future. I remembered in melancholy my young years of going to middle school, being this radiant witty and vivacious little girl. Something wasn’t right I knew it in my core. So I kept digging and digging, because I knew it wasn’t in my head. And after months of struggles I found this one doctor who made me run some different tests, some I had never been given before. He was shocked the other doctors never made me do them. I understood they had gaslighted me into doubting my very feelings and undermined my struggle because of my psychological background.

The results came back and we found it. A fungal infection that had spread throughout my entire body, eating away at my intestines, crippling my immune system, poisoning me from the inside. It caused me to have infections everywhere, to spend days in bed because of the intense fatigue and joint pains, to lay restless from fevers, nauseas and cold sweats. This disease is called Candida Overgrowth or Candidiasis. The fungi is in every one of us in small quantities but because I took so many antibiotics for my past infections, had an eating disorder for a long time and a pretty weak immune system to begin with, mine grew out of control and poisoned my body.

So I started the treatment and special diet and I’m in recovery. Still weak and tired but on the path to healing. I’m grateful I found this doctor who believed me and listened to my struggles. I’m so grateful for it.

I didn’t tell you all this to garner sympathy and love. Instead I want my story to serve as a message. A message for you reading this to keep having faith in yourself and to never doubt your feelings. They’re real, they’re valid and they’re true. And if someone doubts them, it’s not your fault, it’s theirs. Keep going, keep trying, your voice is the real one to hear. It’s your body, your truth, your rules, your laws. I love you and I believe in you and I trust you, dear internet friend ❤️

#not snz #sorry it's really long #I hope it helps someone out there

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daddy-suguru · 2 years

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Hi, just wanted to say that I was the anon that sent you that (really cheesy but) heartfelt letter. I just wanted to say that you should never shy away from posting, no matter what it may be that you want to share, because there will always be people here that enjoy your writing (I literally binged everything you wrote- even the fandoms I don't even know lol). And it is kinda hypocritical to say that because I was too shy to post my actual message with my actual account because I am too anxious to see how people react to my words (I do now too lmao) But your writing is truly one of the best and I always enjoy what you (re)post.

The actually only new and important part: Your writing is truly one of the best I've read and what I wrote about you is my honest opinion Please believe this dumbass over here lol

You don't have to post this and sorry for grammar mistakes- not a native speaker :)

Hope this didn't make you uncomfortable; please tell me if it did I wish you the best ♥

Hello! It’s nice to meet you :3 there are a few ideas that I've talked about with some mutuals on here. I haven’t written or posted them yet, but I can’t let the idea go.

I'm thinking about once my birthday rolls around at the end of the year. Ill make them as a gift to myself and maybe I'll upload it. I have thought about putting it on a different website just to dump it somewhere. Which I've talked to a few of my mutuals about the idea who told me that ao3 would enjoy the idea more. Since it would be dark smutty content, with heavy on the dark. Anyway your words give me hope about some people enjoying the fucked up idea with me.

On another note it's understandable you would want to use anon. Sometimes when one reaches out to another on this website and they aren't always the nicest when they respond.

I get fat anxious talking to people here too. This leads to me waiting for someone to talk to me first so I don't get annoying. Some time I will write something underneath someone's post and then delete it thinking I would bother them.

I'm very flattered that you have read works from fandoms you aren't in because you like my writing. That is like one of the best compliments. It gives me hope that one day I can write a real story one day. Which I know I only really write smut here, but the idea of making world-building an action-adventure over arching plot with a romance sub plot story.

The idea of making my own monsters for them to go against, alongside slowly building the relationship between the leads as they fight alongside each other sounds excited to write about. Alongside creating various cities and places for them to visit sounds so exciting.

thank you for taking the time to send this in, alongside your other messages, cheesy yes but sometimes cheesy is good. it's putting a huge smile on my face so thank you :3 also the way you type out English (is that how i say it?) is wonderful don't worry about it

you didn't make me uncomfortable this is so sweet thank you sweetie :3

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my-never-ending-nightmare · 2 years

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Got a raise at work at the start of the month. Wish I could say that it was for having done something remarkable or for having been such an outstanding employee but instead it was just my automatic reward for having made it so long without quitting. If I can last another quarter of the year then I get another raise but… idk if it’s worth it, honestly. I love what I get paid to do - but I hate what it exposes me to on a daily basis. It’s incredibly emotionally & spiritually draining spending each and every day dealing firsthand with people suffering from mental illness, cognitive delays, substance abuse, addiction & physical illness (often terminal.)

I think my own mental health is just too fragile for it, honestly. And I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve started crying on the job in the moments that I get alone. Literally the only thing making it worthwhile is the pay. I’ve never been paid so much in my life. But never in my life have I felt so drained by work, either.

It’s not even a job in the career field that I feel I belong in. It just pays better than any of the jobs that would get my foot back in that door. But it’s only a job that I took for the wrong reasons.

Because I took it for someone else. And I took it because I love them. Because I knew that this job would keep me close to them. And I knew that the hours I work would be more compatible with their life. I knew that with this job we could make things work - that we wouldn’t have to struggle so hard to find the time for each other. And that we could create our own life together, as partners - without having to sacrifice either of our jobs for that.

But now they’re gone.

And I’m left wondering why I subject myself to this sort of misery every single day despite what it’s done to my mental health - because the only answer I can find is money. More money than I know what to do with. More money than I need. More money than I even want. Because all I actually want is to be happy - and money isn’t doing that for me. I’d trade it all in a heartbeat just to be happy. As happy as the people I deal with on a daily basis are when they get to talk to me. Like, this job as taught me just how sad, lonely & pathetic so many peoples lives are - yet all it takes to punctuate that loneliness for them is me. Someone they can just talk to.

I’m terrified of ending up like them. But even more than that I’m terrified that I’ll never have what they have, either - respite from the loneliness. Because they’re lonely for anyone. While I’m only lonely for one person.

And I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do without them. Because I’d been lonely my entire life until they came along and showed me what I’ve been missing: a reason to endure the pain.

Something that makes it all worthwhile. Something that is beyond & outside of myself. Something that is more important than me.

Someone I love.

And everything that I’ve done (and haven’t done) for the past 9 months of my life has been for them and them alone.

I had so much hope for the future when I started this job. So many things that I envisioned it would make possible. So many reasons to endure the suffering and work as hard as possible so that I could provide someone with the sort of life that they left me for.

Now all I think about is how I’m going to survive the day - and how much longer I can keep doing it. Because self-destruction honestly seems more logical than continuing to endure the suffering for another day.

But then I remember that I’m done doing the easy thing. I’m done doing what’s rational. I’m going to start doing the right thing. I’m going to start listening to the one thing that’s keeping me alive.

I’m never turning my back on my heart again.

It knows what’s best for me.

My brain doesn’t.

Because my brain keeps telling me that it’s over. But my heart knows that as long as my love & I are still alive then it’s not over; and it’s not too late. I can keep waiting. I can keep enduring. Things can still get better.

Crazier things have happened.

#thoughts

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ahopkins1965 · 13 hours

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Home Come a Person Have Problems That They Can’t Solve?

This is an essay that ask a very important question. How come a person have problems that they are not able to solve? The reason why I ask this question is because I have a mental illness for going on 22 years now. My primary diagnosis is Schizoid Affective Disorder Bipolar Type. I will admit that earlier in my life, I did not have a mental illness.

Next, I want to inform everyone that mental illness does not run in my family. How come people have problems that they cannot solve is because of pride.

Further, I will also admit that I have always wanted to solve my own problems; at least try. I know that God is the ultimate problem solver. It is God that is doing for me more than I am doing for myself.

I also will say that I have to allow God to solve my problems for me. I will say that I am not perfect. How come I am hearing voices that normal people do not hear? The answer is I really do not know. According to 2nd Corinthians 12: 8-10 says: (8.) for this thing I besought the Lord thrice; meaning 3 times: that it may depart from me. (9.) And He said unto me. My Grace is sufficient for thee; for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore I rather glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (10.) Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. I say that to say this, what makes me weak physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically makes me strong.

In Addition, I will have to admit that I have experience a great deal of physical and mental trauma throughout my life. When it comes to these voices that I hear every single day of the week, I have to admit that I was involved in a car accident on April 18, 1984. I was riding inside of a car with someone that I did not know, and we crashed the car into a trussle.

I also experienced whiplash during the accident. The next thing that happened to me is that I had a stroke on November 8, 2008. I was not able to use my right side of my body for 3 days. This occurred during the time that I was living in Charlotte, NC.

Moreover, I also suffered from grandmal seizures from July 25, 1982, April 5, 1985, October 8, 2009, January 24, 2010, and on February 6, 2010. My very first seizure occurred during the time I was playing an arcade game at my grandmother’s house. My life was completely messed up. I also endured sports injuries as well as concussions. I would like for everyone to please keep me in your prayers.

James 5:16 says confess your faults to one another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. I also admitted to telling the doctor to prescribe me Risperdal for 4 years. I was not hearing voices during that time. I had visual hallucinations from contracting the scabies. I suffered from the scabies for a total of 49 days. If I did not receive Quell Shampoo treatments, I would have died from dementia.

Currently, I am hearing voices from the same people who scammed me out of $16,977 dollars in western union funds. Obviously, these individuals did something bad to hurt me. I have been hearing voices since November 5, 2009. I have asked God to remove these voices over and over again, but nothing has not happened yet. Therefore, this is not a laughing matter this kind of things exist online. I have not erred from the truth because this really happened to me.

Also, I recently had a total of 5 consecutive abnormal EEGs. During the past 10 years, I have had an abnormal EEG and it is simply because there is something wrong with my left frontotemporal lobe of my brain. I have problems with my left side of my brain. I have been trying to request for a MRI of the brain to find out what is really going on. My neurologist called it a dysfunction of my left frontotemporal lobe of my brain. I am trying to resolve this before I die.

According to 1st Peter 4:16 says: Yet if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf. How come people have problems that they cannot solve? There are times that current sins tend to get in the way. I might be suffering physically and mentally as well as emotionally, but spiritually I am intact. I am trying to find out where these voices are coming from.

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nolantalks · 4 months

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ISNT IT FUNNY THEY ARE SAYING YOU HAVE TO BE MENTALLY UNWELL?

It’s funny because it’s true. I have stated multiple times that I AM MENTALLY UNWELL AND ON MULTIPLE MEDICATIONS. Bipolar disorder is only one of my conditions. I’m also genetic predisposed to schizophrenia and dementia. I have also been tested and studied numerous times for DID as I show some of the symptoms but no alters have appeared well, as long as you don’t ask my stalker fans. And if anyone cares, yes I have had auditory hallucinations for a large chunk of my but they haven’t concluded in schizophrenic yet as my bipolar disorder also tends to cross over a bit with it and the symptoms of DID and they proven I’m bipolar. The fact I was sexually assaulted as a teenager/preteen and my childhood of emotional, physical, and verbal abuse probably helped with all that.

I can function normally when on my multiple medications I just have a constant ever increasing in strength headache all day everyday that I gotta ignore. Ever since moving in with my fiancée I’ve had very few episode though as he’s a ‘serve my pills with my lunch then tells me to say ahhh after taking them’ type of guy. And his head massages border on orgasmic.

So yes I am mentally ill which is why I tried to kill myself twice within 8 months of each other over stupid ass Internet drama. That I’ve been saying a therapist twice a week every week for the last attempt I made. It’s funny how they can make fun of me ‘needing to be mentally ill’ but or glossing over me saying I am actually mentally ill.

LOVE HOW THEY TAKE YOU OUT OF CONTEXT.

Same boo boo. I actively encourage it as when it comes up I just pull up the actually statement they took a single sentence from and show what was really said like how I apparently said ‘I don’t hate women, women just hate me‘ when that’s never been said. I think they took a recent post where I said 99% of the people that have issue with me identify as female, and another one where I state toxic women tend to have issues with me. But completely leaving out when I say 90% of my roleplay partners are female or identify as such. See how easy and nice is it to read everything and not just the one or two lines you want to see?

Anyway it’s funny to see and I was able to recently point to it and get people to wonder why they would make something up, why take something out of context, what other lines are they cherry picking to make up stories with, why they have to do this, and the most important question. What is the point of trying to set that up if ‘everyone’ hates me and ‘no one’ believes me?…. They clearly don’t think that’s true and apparently people agree.

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captainb00ger · 4 months

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man i know i should give you up, and just let you go. it hurts more to try to keep you around more than it ever did when you cheated on me, because your hearts turning cold. you used to light up my world, now when i see you with him my day turns cold and tears fill in my eyes. you’ll never care the way you used too, and i think im still mourning the person i thought you were. i was so ready to change my whole life.. went to rehab and was so excited too start our new chapter, but you were never faithful even when you said we couldn’t be together if i was doing drugs & when we got out of rehab you already were living a new life with new dudes.. giving all of you away, while i was pining for you.. planning what amazing lives we would have now that we were sober & happy.. i thought you were sleeping at night while i was sending you paragraphs about how much i love you, and how proud of us i was that we finally were gonna do something about our out of control life’s.. come to find out you had a dick in your mouth and every other part of you.. while telling me you fucking love me. that’s not fucking love, you don’t fucking love me & honestly you never have.. unless your definition of love is shitting on the people you “love”…. i hate that i was the last to know, because im always the last to know, and that’s just another example that we don’t see each other the same way. i saw you as my other half, the best part of my fucking day, the person i wanna share every aspect of my life in.. clearly you just don’t see me as your best friend, or you just don’t know what that means. i just wish you would have never given me the false hope that you were ever serious about me. i lost you over night, while i was trying to get myself together you just couldn’t wait a month. i was getting better for us, but thank you for giving me the push i needed to be better, even if i have to give that part of myself to somebody else.

i will never forget how happy i was that i was gonna get the chance i never had with you; sober & happy.. sober for the first time in 10 years, and you couldn’t even wait for me before you went and fucked somebody else, and i get it you went through a bunch of shit, but so was i. dealing with fucking ian. and trying to make sure he was staying away, and i did that for you. everything i do is for you.. somehow you have the nerve to say im selfish, and how much of an asshole i am, yet i have over 300 screenshots of you sending pictures, telling people you wanna see them, and the fucking icing on the cake was calling me fat, and talking about how dumb i am & that i’ll never find out about what you’re doing behind my back. you have really done some fucked up shit, but that night you broke me, and what broke you will never be able to fix you.

that ends tonight. this year i will remeber how to love me, so i never have to wonder if im good enough. i wont have to worry about how much weight im putting on, because its just your opinion. this year i will rely more on myself, and learn to be content with the fact that you choose this, and in a way, you keep choosing this.. i have tried so hard to get the chance i thought i so desperately deserved, but i deserve somebody who will choose me, no matter my weight, how much drugs i have, or how much money is in my bank account, because those things don’t define me, and aren’t the most important things in my life. too bad you have made it abundantly clearly that’s all that matters to you right now. i hope for your sake of having a genuine friend like me, you’ll see the error of your ways, but ill never wait around for you th way i have been EVER AGAIN.

this year i will love me, and not ever live by somebody else’s expectations ever again, because i will just be effortlessly me, and unapologetically at that too.

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alsjeblieft-zeg · 11 months

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317 of 2023

Relatable Pinterest Posts 13! [True or False]

Created by joybucket

Being sensitive is not a weakness. Where I am right now is NOT where I will be forever. I'm not where I want to be, but thank goodness I'm not where I used to be. Stop fighting yourself and start fighting FOR yourself. Success is the best revenge. Real girls are never perfect, and perfect girls are never real. The move you're afraid to make could be the one that changes everything. You cannot heal in the same environment that made you sick. Life is way too short to spend another day at war with yourself. Pretending to be a functioning adult is so exhausting. I used to be a people person....but people ruined that for me. Back in the day, you knew who your real friends were. 'Cause they would rank you, in order of importance, on MySpace. Well, here I am, cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.... I take comfort in knowing that people younger than me look older than me. I notice everything. I just act like I don't. Positivity is not a cure for chronic illness. Reality & honesty about symptoms is not negativity. Today will be one of those days where even my coffee needs coffee. ☕️ Life begins after coffee. ☕️ Love is like heaven, but it can hurt like hell. Families are like fudge--mostly sweet, with a few nuts. Friends welcome. Family by appointment only. The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are. -Joseph Campbell The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today. A balanced diet is having a cupcake in each hand. 🧁 People make me want to eat glass. Their internet is a horrible place, but I'm a horrible person, so I'm staying. It's me and my wired headphones against the world. 🎧 What is wrong with my body, personality, life, and literally everything about me? What is wrong with my voice? Why is asking to go to the bathroom in class so embarrassing? 🚽 Why does running in front of people feel so embarrassing? 🏃‍♀️ Why is carrying projects to school so embarrassing? Why does telling someone your favorite song feel so personal? Why does talking to your friends in front of your parents feel so embarrassing? I'm sick of my inability to do pushups. I'm sick of not having a cat. 🐈 I'm sick of the chairs at school being so uncomfortable. I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of not having the style I want. 👗 I'm sick of Pinterest not suggesting the right board to save my pins to. 📌 I'm sick of being afraid to ask for help. I'm sick of not having motivation to do things I enjoy. Fun life hack: You can't be sad if you're asleep. 😴 I love drawing stars. ⭐️ I love daydreaming. 💖 My room isn't ugly, but it doesn't match my personality. I need someone who is excited to talk to me every single day. I don't care how hot it is, I'm always sleeping with a blanket on me. 🛌 I need to stop lying about things that don't need to be lied about. 🤥 Life is good until I hear the door unlocking and now I can't be home alone anymore. 🚪 I still cannot process that 2020 was three years ago. If traveling was free, you'd never see me again. ✈️ I love cozy mornings with the house to myself. I wish I could be as pretty as the moon. 🌕 Why haven't they made waterproof headphones yet??? 🎧 I can't wait to have my own apartment. I hate when my Pinterest isn't pinteresting. Night air smells so good. Being caught talking to myself is the most embarrassing thing ever. I have a Pinterest board for everything. Listening to music at home alone is the best. "Love or money?" bitch I want both I hate accidentally saving a pin to the wrong board. so many missed opportunities....all because I was shy and insecure. Do you ever cry about one thing and then start to cry about your whole life? 😭 I like being alone, but I don't like feeling alone. Sleeping is not enough; I need to hibernate. 🛌 Being alive is like....way too much for me. There's definitely something wrong with me; it's not even funny anymore. I wish my eyes could take pictures. 👀 Why is it so difficult to paint your nails? 💅 I sometimes regret telling my friends certain things. At least my mom thinks I'm pretty. When you still can't hear what they're saying, so you just nod and hope it wasn't a question. I may be ugly, but I used to be uglier. I wish I could replay my dreams. 💭 🛌 It's just me and my 4 personalities against the world. How can I face my problem if my problem is my face? I just love the smell of cold night air. Trying not to burst into tears from anxiety at school is a true struggle. I feel so ugly at school. I hate it when people change their opinions just to fit in. Sometimes I just know things. I can explain; I just know... It all goes downhill after you turn 13. I wish I had my own place. All I need is money, books, and clothes. I love talking to myself. I literally cry for no reason. 😭 I'm the problem. Status: tired of people. I feel like 💩. Kind and polite people are the best. 🩷 Getting mad at your hair is a whole different kind of anger. Why does lying on the floor feel so good? Death doesn't scare me, but talking to my parents about my mental health does. I'm fine until I realize I need to work for the rest of my life to earn money. I'm so glad that my parents can't see inside my mind. The problem is I can't talk about my feelings. I love being in my room.

#survey #bolding survey #themed survey

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bandit-12 · 1 year

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WHA Epilouge

The next day, at breakfast So, your saying that if Mr Aizawa erased your quirk, Pino wouldn't disappear”Asui asked Rody as they sat with him Its true, she’s and Emitter like Dark Shadow, but since she’s has her own separate body, she won’t go away even when Im asleep”Rody explained All that would happen is that my abilities to feel Rody emotions would disappear and wouldn't be able to track him”Pino answered Well you still made huge difference in the end, you cute little World hero”Tokage said while tickling Pino Ashido soon came by the table Hey Rody, how you feeling this morning”Ashido asked Im good”Rody said blankly You wanna try my omelet, I made it myself”Ashido offered No, im good with my cereal”Rody said before taking a bite But its really good, Im sure you’d love it”Ashido persisted I don’t want it”Rody refused again, getting irritated Come one just one bi..”Ashido was cut off DAMN IT ASHIDO, HE SAID NO, SO JUST DROP IT, WILL YOU”Todoroki snapped, surprising everyone I was jus…”Ashido was cut off HE just wants to enjoy his breakfast, and here you are showing up with an omelet he doesn't want, just leave him alone”Todoroki demanded I was trying to do something nice, to make up”Ashido argued I think you’ve done enough since yesterday, go away before end up in jail”Todoroki yelled This broke Ashido’s heart, to hear someone she called friend lash out at her Fine, see If I help you out in the future”Ashido yelled as she dropped the Omelette and ran away crying All the students looked in shock (expect Bakugo who didn't care), then turned to Todoroki, not with Anger, but with confusion Shoto, why did you say that”Yaoyorozu asked confused Because she never listens, Rody said no multiple times, and yet she kept on persisting, I didn't want Rody to get mad and start another fight, so I decided to put an end to it myself”Todoroki explained By snapping at her and making her cry, that's a little harsh man”Kirishima claimed Although I do get Todoroki’s concerns, Ashido was the one who brought back the fight yesterday after Uraraka’s upburst, its only natural Todoroki be protective over Body after what happened”Tokoyami stated I get that, but he didn't have to be so harsh, Midoriya wouldn't have handled it like that”Ojiro argued He would’ve tried to ask Mina to stop in calm fashion”Hado claimed He wouldn't like what you did Todoroki, even If it was for Rody”Amajiki added That's why we're not gonna tell him”Todoroki said What”They others said confused He’s done so much for everyone so far, and has been dealing with lot of new adversities, between, the frame up, and his possible battle against Shigaraki, last night, was possibly a lot strainful, having Rody berated and almost killed, and Uraraka and other losing their licenses, so I'm not gonna create more stress for him”Todoroki explained It that why you keeping an eye on me today”Rody asked If Midoriya sees you in trouble, he’ll try to resolve it, creating more of a burden then he already has, so to make sure nothing else happens, I’ll make sure no one cause you any problems”Todorki explained I can understand what Todoroki is saying, I don’t want Midoriya to undergo anymore stress, he been through too much, and last night was last thing he needed, so let not bother him with this”Iida suggested I agree, we’ll resolve this ourselves”Yaoyorozu added with others agreeing Good, that's all i wanted”Todoroki said before eating his cereal But still, I think maybe you were a little harsh on Mina, I get your trying to look out for me, but it was just an omelet, don’t ruin your friendship for me or Deku’s sake, make up with her”Rody said It was a bti mean”Pino added Okay, your right, I should’nt have overreacted like that, Ill apologize to her later”Todoroki promised Don’t, she deserved it”Bakugo argued only to glared at Mind your own business”Jiro yelled Btw, where is Midoriya”Kirishima asked He went to see All Might about something important, but has anyone seen Uraraka anywhere”Iida asked She said she wanted to be alone today, she seemed really sad”Hado said Well id be sad too If I had to take on Rabbit Hero Mirko to my licence back”Utsushimi claimed I don’t think its that, I think She still feel guilty about, the you know what that happened last night”Togata said Im feel bad for them too, but she blew her chance to stop,and know they have to face the consequences”Amajiki said Yeah, but after she saw what happened to Rody,and when he almost died for, it adds to guilt of what she said and almost did to him”Iida said (Sigh) Why did i have to make that threat”Rody asked ashamed Rody, its not your fault, you were angry and they were not helping, sure it was wrong, but there are other ways we handle things without violence, Urarala knows that know,and she and the others must remember that when they face Mirko”Todoroki assured Well for their sake, they better get their heads out of the cloud and focus on what needs to be done, were gonna need their help with the upcoming battle”Yaoyorozu said Later in the hall What do you mean you don’t wanna hang out with me”Yoarashi asked Shindo and his classmates Like I said, I don’t wanna hang out with Bully like you, not after what you did to Rody last night”Shindo said annoyed But I apologized, and repented, isn't that enough”Yaorashi argued No, because it was even lower then when you gave up UA because Todoroki was Rude to you, or when you two started fighting and almost got me killed and yet Deku still saved me even though he didn't need to, you remember that”Shindo yelled

yeah”Yoarashi said sadly We were all enemies in the first round, yet he still saved me in the second, because he knew we need to work together and have each others back to stop Gang Orca and save the people, it was no different then what he did for Rody, even if he did get shot”Shindo recalled You should’ve been protecting Rody last night, not attacking him”Nakagame claimed Sheesh, it wasn't enough you had to wait 3 months to get certified, know you got get it back in a week because your immaturity”Makabe said I know, Shishikura feels the same way too, thats why he’s busy training right know, in order to beat Mirko”Yoarashi explained Then you do the same, otherwise, that Rabbits gonna kill you”Shindo said annoyed as they left You wanna live the life of hero, then learn to grow up”Nakagame added I messed up again”Yaorashi said sadly as he left In a Library Come on Shoji, Train with me, I need help if im gonna take on Mirko”Hagakure begged This is your mess, Mr Aizawa told us not to help you, so im sorry but your on your own”Shoji apologize while flipping through a Manga That not fair”Hagakure yelled Be Quiet, were in a Library”Intelli scolded If anything, you didn't have to attack Rody last night, you got yourself into this mess, so you’ll need to get yourself out, don’t always rely on other to clean up your mistake’s”Shoji said Oh, Why did I have to take revenge for”Hagakure thought sadly In the Gym Come one, I only see you doing 700 push ups, you need to do 1400 if you ever gonna catch Mirko, know go before i make you go it again”Tiger ordered as Kaminari, Sero, Mineta,Tetsutetsu,Monoma, and Pony were doing push ups My chest burns, please can’t we wait til we get back to UA”Monoma begged No, because we get back to Japan, you 6 plus the other 5, will be going straight to our campgrounds, thier you’ll spend a whole trying to cath the rabbits, remember whats at stake, you lose, everyone is let down, Know move it”Tiger yelled Thats the last time, I ever stand up for Midoriya”Mineta said in pain Jerk”Sero and Kaminari said annoyed Thats not what I meant”Mineta yelled Well this is the last time i ever threaten someone like Rody, god, now i know how Bakugo feels”Tetsutetsu cried out Some Vacation this turned out to be”Pony cried Less talking, more pushing”Tiger yelled On the Deck And then Todoroki got mad and said mean things”Ashido told Uraraka while wiping her tears Wow, I didn't Think Todoroki could be so harsh towards, then again, he was defending Rody so, what could you expect”Uraraka claimed I know, but i didn't do anything wrong, all I was trying to do is give him a nice breakfast, and then Todoroki snapped”Ashido explained That maybe true, however, try looking at it by Rody’s position, he was probably still feeling resentful by your actions, and the omelet, while a nice gesture was just not gonna make up for what you did”Best Jeanist said while fishing I guess, and he did refuse at first”Ashido explained And what did you do after that”Uraraka asked I kept trying to get him to take it, and he started to get irritated as refused I thinks the problem, despite being a nice gesture, you were being a little insensitive too, you didn't respect his denial, and you persistence was getting under his skin, Shoto sense the Tension, and came to Rody’s defence in order to prevent a worse case scenario”Jeanist claimed

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