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Deal
Man, how to start explaining this oddness... Welp, this was that one drawing idea I have kept to myself to this day, the one I mentioned revealing if I don't redraw it this year since the original is an unfinished drawing I haven't really shown but just Molluck. So, yeah, here it is, after about 3 years!
This is a reference to another video game's ad where the enemies much work together against a common enemy. If you could figure out the game already, I give ya ten points! And if you didn't, well, it's alright. The game is 'Crash Twinsanity'; just one game I love and especially its soundtrack (it's a capella)! So yeah, there was just speculations of how the story would continue after SoulStorm and one of them was that Molluck and Abe would work together againts the Magog Cartel. So, that's where this idea came from. I kinda wish that this was the case since it might be the only way how Molluck would achieve a good ending.
I was originally going to make this as a Mother's Day thing, as a bad joke, but welp, I did let it be... Molluck just kinda has to destroy his mother in order to save himself, so he could use Abe's help to do it and a part of that deal, he could help Abe to, well, at least see his mother. But well, cannot really make any promises from Molluck's part since he is known to be a back-stabber... (It's how he achieved his position.) So, he could just use Abe but maybe something would evoke inside him that would him genuinely let Abe be, so he wouldn't revenge the disaster Abe did to him... Or he thinks that 'revenge is a dish best served cold', like that one saying goes... So yeah, cannot know about Molluck. But I hope that he is able to work with Abe, even after getting himself saved.
Oh, and yeah, in that ad, that deal is pictured as a marriage, so that's why they got such outfits. I must say that Molluck looks very handsome in that suit! Abe's suit is just a white loincloth and a necklace-robe-something thing with OWI's logo. And yes, he is holding a bouquet. I originally did Lady Margaret to look like the original Mudokon Pop but I changed it to, well, make this less violent. I wonder if it should be called Queen Pop or Pop Queen... I'm not sure of how to draw Abe's mother, Sam, since her head is kinda varied, just like Lady Margaret's, since there ain't 'official version' out there, just these concepts... But I tried my best. I also feel like Abe might be a bit too big here but well, this is what you get when you draw on a paper; it's difficult to edit stuff, if not impossible, and you might realize things when it's too late...
I'm not sure if I should show the original WIP since it's quite unfinished and looks kinda bad but well, some improvement I guess:
I still like the way Molluck looks here, though I did fix the flaws I saw to this new sketch I did. Abe instead has much more flaws, like too human-like anatomy, so yeah, more stuff to fix... But you can probably see better the outfit design I did for Abe here. And yeah, Sam looks different here, mainly because I feel like I understood better how her head 'works'... Lady Margaret looking fine on a stick there but yeah, felt like doing the later version of the Pops to the new sketch...
Man, I'm not really sure about how to explain the things I have been thinking about Molluck recently... I just feel like it only fascinates me, all the possible dark stuff he has done. It just makes me feel interested, somehow amused too since my humour can be quite dark and twisted... It's really like one of the main reasons why I love Oddworld, all that dark stuff! Like, I have probably said this earlier, but for example, that one Lady Margaret's lung transplant concept art just makes me laugh like every time, the one where Munch is basically merged into her body. I also recently learned more about the possible dark arts Glukkons still practice, like forecasting stocks using Mudokon organs... I already got some 'bad ideas' to make it further since 'a liver' is in Finnish 'maksa' and it can also be a conjugated from a verb 'maksaa'. So, 'maksa' can mean 'Pay!' or 'maksaa' is like something costs something or someone pays something. So yeah, such a great organ for this stuff! I feel like my humour is probably one big reason why I'm kinda siding with the Gluks... It's not the same that I supported this stuff, I just enjoy stuff like this.
I also did read the newspapers from the worst ending of SoulStorm again and noticed more stuff. It's not always easy to say what is actually true there but mainly it is. There was just said that Molluck blamed declining resources in wildlife supply on his ongoing diminishing returns but the newspaper said that it wasn't true. I believe that it's true what Molluck said, that those hunted animal populations were getting thin and that's why he did that Mudokon Pops solution; just gotta get that meat from somewhere! It's interesting though how in games, we have only seen how the animals at RuptureFarms are brought from the wilds but in that movie concept, there do are (also) farm animals, like those cow-like creatures. I must say that if Molluck only uses hunted animals, his business model has indeed been quite unsustainable and I don't wonder why he got that downfall and it would actually have been inevitable, so Abe only made it quicker. Though, Molluck was rewarded with that golden medal he wears, that tie thing, so it makes me think that he must have had some other practices too or are Glukkons just into unsustainable things... If so, man, they are slowly killing themselves too. I just believe that Glukkons could practice sustainable capitalism, it would be much more wiser, and if I was with Molluck, I would do my best to get him into this kind of business model, also to save his ass... Well, he did still try to create other products too but welp, they failed... I would still try to help him to save his business.
I have also wondered more about Molluck's actual behaviour, like how bad anger issues he has in reality... It still makes me laugh when I read that 'murderous Molluck' stuff and how awful he was from those newspapers, being said to be 'a psycho'. I just don't personally see him being this awful and I bet that this stuff in exaggerated but has some truth in it. Like, I bet that when Molluck is truly angry, well, he kills. We can see that in SoulStorm, no matter which ending it is, Molluck kills, by himself or via the Sligs. So yeah, do not get on the bad side of him... I'm not really justifying his actions but the world Molluck lives in is brutal and if he fails, he is wiped out, so he must do everything to really survive and retire one day. I just feel like he has needed to harden his heart for this reason. It's just that I feel like I understand Molluck, like why he even ended up killing his Chauffeur. I also just truly love him, so it feels like no matter what is revealed related to him, I'll still love him. I just believe that there somewhere, quite deep inside of him, he still has a heart and is able to love (not just himself, luxuries, his mother, and so on...).
Yeah, dunno what else to say... Just sharing my ideas, thoughts and love for Molluck once more. Frankly, while drawing that new sketch, I still just felt like I cannot really draw well and felt depressed... But I try to just focus on what I draw, not how I drew something since I just feel like I got so much to learn to even make my stuff look good... I just feel like my stuff hasn't good quality... Well, all I can do for that is just keep drawing or just quit. I mainly just post sketches anyway, so they ain't even fully rendered and polished. It's been long since I actually finished a proper drawing... Sketching is just better since I got too many ideas to fart out...
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Taking the Trash out
For some reason, I have had an idea of Molluck grabbing a Slig with his hand, so I felt like drawing that thing now. This doesn't look like I wanted it to be but well, this mess looks fine enough. Cannot even really improve this more since I already have messed the paper too much and the drawing is too small for that too...
But yeah, in SoulStorm, Gluks are actually able to use their hands thanks to those 'slits' their suits got now. Sadly we don't still see them actually using their hands, well, as hands.
This is a pretty random drawing still, again... I know that the dialogue barely makes sense but I have been just thinking that Molluck probably feels like this, that he is surrounded by idiots, so I wanted to make him say that out loud. And the title, well, it's just referring to Molluck's bad rage burts and how he might kill Sligs during those moments... So yeah, it describes what Molluck might think. This also reminds me of how he seemed to hate especially Aslik, calling him idiot. (I can somehow see why he did that...) I really wish that we could know more about the relationships between these Gluks, like for example, it really interests me what kind of relationship he had with the Brewmaster since Molluck was his boss. Oh, and it's also interesting how this isn't really clearly said, that Molluck is the CEO of SoulStorm brewery... So, I didn't really know that this was still the case in SoulStorm until I found it out from one OWI's Valentine's Day post... Oh, and that Slig's line is a reference to the Chauffeur saying how Molluck has no arms... I feel like he knows that he does have arms but well, Gluks just prefer not to lift a finger...
Yeah, I don't know what else to really say about my kinda random Molluck stuff... I do feel like loving Molluck even he can be like this but I wish that I could help him to calm down... Like, I don't wanna just be like 'Yeah, he is just an angry jerk.' but see that he has anger issues and he needs help with them... It's just not his fault that he has them. I just wish that giving him love, care and understanding can help him. It's just that I see that he isn't really so awful as he might seem but this friendly side of him is barely visible and he seems to hide his soft side too. I tend to imagine in my own self-insert world that he can feel free with me and that I'm able to calm him well; Molluck just basically lives for his investors until he retires. But again, I'm only talking about how I see him, not how he should be seen. I just see that there somewhere Molluck is a lovely Glukkon but he also has this 'bastard side', being rude, brutal and so on. I love his both sides! Gotta admit that I do enjoy drawing him being angry... I have just enjoyed drawing angry expressions for many years since they amuse me, so yeah, Molluck is just perfect for that stuff! I dunno what my sense of humour is... I'm not even sure how I would react if Molluck looked at me angrily... I just tend to think that he looks cute when he is angry!
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Glukkon Activities
Man, yesterday I just got a random idea of drawing Molluck looking at a bust about him and loving the sight, so here's a thing! I still don't really feel like doing digital stuff but I enjoy doing pixel stuff since it's suitable for drawing with the mouse. But yeah, still wanted this to be something quick-ish, at least I got tired of improving this...
I felt like designing my own bust about him. I'm kinda unsure if he would like him being naked there but I do think that this part of his body needs no hiding! Though, yeah, he doesn't need to hide his body in general in my opinion... But just for the others! Oh, and yes, the eyes of the bust are rubies. My friend has just told me that in some of my drawings his eyes look like rubies, so it did inspire me to make them actual rubies now. I don't see that myself but I'm glad if I'm able to make him look 'alive'.
Oh, and yeah, Gluks love their own faces, so that's what inspired me to draw this piece... I find this somehow adorable, at least it doesn't bother me at all when it comes to Glukkons. Maybe it's that I just agree with them... Yes, I also refer to Munch's Oddysee, those Glukkon lines, man, I love them! Honestly, in MO, the best part of the game is when I can possess a Gluk and just listen to them; I like that game that much... Though, the same thing is with Abe's Exoddus but I enjoy it much more in general... I just love Glukkons, okay. They are just so adorable when they say 'I'm beautiful.' and 'Everybody loves me!' in MO... I need to learn to be more like a Gluk, that I could think something like this about myself too. I have just been imitating these lines, so it doesn't really mean that I told myself this stuff...
I just love Molluck's face so much that it doesn't really bother me if he was like this. Since I suffer from my self-hatred stuff, I haven't really felt like imagining that I did art about him for him in my own self-insert story/world but maybe he would love to have 'a personal artist' who just draws him. I just feel like drawing only him because well, it feels like something meaningful for me since I love this Gluk so much and I wish that there was more content about him... Yeah, soon it's the anniversary of me drawing my first Molluck 3 years ago. (Y) I feel like I have just started and that my love for him has just deepened and strengthened.
I don't know what else to say but that man, I just love this Gluk!
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Anatomy, Bones 'n' Sentimentality
I been sketching some Molluck stuff but haven't posted them because been too busy or depressed for such since well, I just didn't know if these are worth posting but here they are. I'm also feeling better now, so better time for posting in this sense too.
These are from newest to oldest, so yeah, the first one, above, was just me trying to figure out Molluck's anatomy, yet again. There ain't just enough reference material for me to see his anatomy clearly... My sculpt isn't detailed enough to help me with some stuff, so gotta sculpt a more detailed model/sculpt, in 3D or from some clay.
And yeah, speaking of anatomy, I wanted to try to draw Molluck's skull but since I ended up drawing it in the middle of paper, I drew some more bones to him. Yes, not everything here is his bones but I just felt like adding his brain and the structure holding it in place but also his ears. I'm not an anatomy specialist but I believe that his 'brain cage' consists of muscles and flexible tissue, and other stuff like that. I have wanted to draw his skull for a long time, like maybe even for two years, and now I did it! I also had an idea of drawing his facial muscles but frankly, I feel like I need to learn more about anatomy before doing that...
Oh, and yeah, his skeleton somehow reminded me of that cartoony electric shock effect, so I ended up drawing him getting hit by lightning... I don't know if it would have looked more brutal if they did such an effect in AO/NnT... At least we could have seen his actual skeleton! Maybe I draw his full skeleton one day. I'm not sure of how his teeth actually go, just cannot see them clearly enough, like how many molar teeth he got but about 4 pairs of them, both up and down. I personally love his teeth and enjoy drawing them!
I have also said that I love Molluck's hands, so yeah, wanted to figure out his hand anatomy better. Looking at that reaching hand of his just makes me wanna grab his hand and hold it... Yeah, he got big hands compared to mine, though I'm not completely sure about the size difference but I bet that they are somewhat this big. His hands kinda look like feet too but hey, he walks on them! I took some reference/help/inspiration from some primate hands to figure out his palm since cannot see it well from the material I got...
I don't know if you find Molluck intimidating/scary, at least my mother has said that Molluck looks scary, and some other people... But I just somehow cannot get that vibe from him... Maybe if he was next to me since he is a head taller than me and his head is, well, big... But I don't know, he is so adorable and beautiful! Well, this is just how I see him... I have seen some people seeing him smiling being scary... But I only love to see him smiling!
Oh, and I have been reading some comments on Molluck stuff recently and found out that yeah, there do are people who would find me crazy because of my Molluck love, since one person's friends told them that they are crazy for thinking that Molluck is sexy... Actually, I must be insane in their opinion! Well, I don't care, just having fun. And I just cannot help that this Gluk has 'stolen' my heart... Locked tight to his vault! Just joking, I 'stole' his too.
But yeah, like I said, I'm starting to feel better now. If I just keep telling myself that I'll be nothing, well, I'll be nothing since I won't even try in that case... So, now I do see reasons to fight again or at least something pushes me to keep going. I still feel like I got a long road to get my stuff looking something 'professional' but I wanna keep going, try to achieve that level. Still don't know when I feel like I have achieved it since well, I don't personally see me having any special 'artistic talent', even I have heard since a childhood much compliments about my art and been even rewarded for my art; my art teacher in junior high school and high school (same person) really liked my stuff too and she rewarded me in both places when I was graduating. But still, I don't know why it's so difficult to see what the others see in my art... I don't even really like to call my stuff 'art' but creations but I guess that it relates my self-hatred since I don't really feel like my stuff is art... Well, I guess that this is something common among artists, not able to see own skills etc. Sometimes, I just feel like I cannot draw, like when I was drawing that first sketch, but I still just keep drawing until it looks alright. Man, art requires understanding a lot of things...
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Family Drama
I felt like drawing something silly to amuse myself since I have been feeling quite awful lately... So, I got inspired by one of those unreleased Slig news related to Molluck's trial, having Molluck and his mother, Lady Margaret, about to have a face off with boxing gloves.
Frankly, it has bothered me how badly I did draw her last time, at least in my opinion, so I liked to try it again too. Still not sure how her head should be drawn but I'm trying my best.
I really don't know if I should write this stuff or not... But well, I tend to spend like all my time alone with my thoughts... I have just been thinking that how difficult for me it is to see me having any skill/talent... How difficult for me is to feel like I 'deserve' any love... During my worst moments I can wish that everyone hated me so I was perished, erased from this world... But at the same time, one side of me wishes to be loved... It just made me cry when I looked at my newest self-insert sketch a moment ago, how loving Molluck seemed... I'm just only able to give love to myself thru him...
It's still just so difficult to see myself having future... I feel like I have already failed in life way too badly... I just keep having doubts, feel like no one probably wants me, to be with me, pay for my work etc... Even when it's said that I did great job, I just doubt it... It's driving me crazy... I just cannot even enjoy my 'achievements' when I feel like they were just luck or mere 'lucky mistakes'... I just don't believe in myself.
I'm not even sure if I'm healing well enough or at all actually when giving up has felt more tempting now... I just see no reasons to fight anymore, life makes zero sense to me... In my mind, I still see Molluck looking at me and telling me beautiful things, loving me... I don't know if I'm just crazy/nuts, to keep living just for a fictional character, when my mind just tells me so intensely to leave the real people, how I'm just wasting their time, resources, even love... Molluck ain't real, so I cannot really waste his time 'n' stuff, and that's why my mind accepts him better than real people.
I just live with mental pain every day, for some other reasons too I'm not telling. It's draining me, been living with it for over a decade... Back then, I thought that I wouldn't be even alive to this day but here I am, for whatever reason. I just don't know how to achieve happiness, haven't felt such a thing for so long, haven't been able to enjoy my life this whole time... My life is good, I have basically gotten all I have wanted but still, I feel so depressed, thinking that I don't deserve this all, that it would be better for everyone that I never even existed or that someone else was born instead of me... I'm just unable to see how I bring joy to the others, unable to feel loved... I never remember feeling such a thing, even as a child, even I have gotten so much love... It just makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, that I'm broken, too broken... I only know that I'm loved but why I cannot feel it... I only remember a few moments when I have been able to feel such a thing, or at least one, but it was me feeling like how Molluck loves me...
Man, why must my mind be like this... Well, I keep watching the show of my life... At least I have found some happiness when I found Molluck since he is the character I have been looking for all these years, he is the one that feels like the right one. Though, yes, it does also depress me that he is just fictional but well, technology can help me! Gotta just get rich so that I can only just be and live in my virtual world... Yeah, that's the only way to 'live' with him... Man, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, so I'm just wasting it on Molluck... I just don't really feel like doing anything with my life, so yeah, Molluck is fine.
Yeah, this Gluk just means so much to me... I have already heard so many times that I'm odd, so gotta just embrace the odd!
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Speech for the Defence
Man, I have been thinking about drawing something related to Molluck's possible trial for... I don't know, long time still. So yeah, here Molluck is preparing for his trial since he has gotten a possibility to defend himself, even the outcome has already been decided...
Man, I love those removed/unused cutscenes related to Molluck's trial, and just all that other cut content related to it, concept art I mean! Yeah, if you ask me, they cut the most interesting stuff from Munch's Oddysee... Like, Munch and Abe would have even visited the ruins of the RuptureFarms, Molluck's vault... Well, I hope that OWI will show Molluck's fate in whatever they are working on right now. Even it makes me feel anxious and bad to think about his possible fate, I still wish to know how his story is meant to continue or end... I just don't wish to see his death but if it's meant to happen, I'll cherish him. But I don't wanna think more about this since it's just making me feel like crying...
So yeah, these chroniclers seem to be lawyer and doing some other business stuff in Oddworld, so I imagine Molluck's lawyer being one. They seem quite tired creatures. Maybe it's even more tiring to be Molluck's lawyer, listening to him ranting and raving about what happened and how no one wants to believe him... This is the reason he has no cigar here, it has already fallen... 'How those idiots really think me gotten these scars?! From falling down the stairs??'
I don't really know what else to say here. I basically just like to do these sketches to just fart out ideas faster since I got so many of them and I wanna realize them all... So yeah, after emptying them enough, I might start doing more proper stuff again. Though yes, I know that my sketches are detailed but it kinda just happens... But I still feel like I'm kinda lazy with them, like I feel like this is a lazy sketch too, didn't also feel like using more imagination with the typewriter... Man, I just don't really know what to think about my stuff... Just doing my best with it.
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Sweet Dreams
Man, for some reason, I just had an urge to draw Molluck sleeping with a teddy bear, again... And this sketch gives me an urge to cuddle with Molluck! Oh, and that teddy bear represents me this time too.
I'm still trying to learn how to draw his body but I feel like I have improved significantly just in a few days. It's rare that I feel any warm emotions toward my drawings, even I love Molluck so much, but maybe I just managed to draw something so cute for myself that I just cannot feel anything negative... I just had to draw those hearts because man, like I said, I love this Gluk so much... I actually feel like filling this with hearts but gotta restrict myself...
Frankly, I'm able to see him ugly too, meaning his appearance, but at the same time, he is exquisite, endearing, and cute... But I don't think that he is cute because he is ugly and such. I more like feel like his ugliness makes him also so beautiful because I do not wish him to have 'a perfect appearance', so him being imperfect is what makes him beautiful. I just personally feel like he is such a perfect mix of beauty and ugliness, making him actually 'perfect' for me. Though, yes, like I have said many times before, his appearance catched my attention only after I started to love him... So, I bet that me loving him affects this, that I see him as exquisite, as something so special... I'm not sure how to explain this stuff but yeah, I guess that you can get the idea.
Man, I just cannot help myself with this Gluk... Just feel like giving him all my love! 🫀✨
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Another Molluck Study Night
Man, I just felt like I gotta learn from my mistakes I did with my previous sketches/studies, so I tried a different approach, meaning basically thinking differently while drawing but well, I also spent a few hours on this since I wanted to take a closer look at Molluck's shapes. It feels like I finally could draw 'anatomically correct' Molluck, meaning that I feel like I drew his body in a correct way.
I just feel like I tend to draw him too muscular or his shoulders are too wide since they are actually kinda narrow. I don't actually wanna make his body any different that it is, it's perfect as it is! Frankly, I feel like it seems somewhat usual for Gluk-enjoyers to make them have more 'normal bodies'. I don't personally really like Molluck having 'a normal body' since I love his 'odd body'! He just doesn't feel right with that 'normal body'... It's not him for me. Though yes, his body can restrict him significantly but I wanna love him with those restrictions. I feel kinda alone with loving his body like it is, like having zero changes and/or additions.
Man, it's still always interesting to see how people like to have Molluck. Like today (yesterday), I happened to find one more person who has done Molluck self-insert stuff and it was something different. The person seems to be no longer active and that post was done like two years ago, which was kinda the last year of 'Golden Molluck Years'; I mean, back then was just more people loving Molluck, creating/posting stuff about him etc. I can never forget one Twitter profile... It was private though and I feel like it's too NSFW to say here what that profile had written on it... But that person seemed to want badly Molluck's non-existing D... Nothing wrong with that, I'm just the opposite with this, that's why no changes are needed for me... Just interesting that I seem to be quite alone with this...
But yeah, that person I just found seemed to picture Molluck as 'a paternal figure' (and also made him have 'a normal body'). Frankly, when I have been having some thoughts about raising a family with Molluck (= adopting a Gluk baby) for fun, I just cannot see Molluck as a parent, though I don't see myself as one either... I'm only into how Gluks grow up, what like they even look as little etc. so it more like feels like being a scientist than a parent if I had adopted a Gluk... So, nope. I also do not see Molluck as 'a daddy', also because it's not what I'm into. Like I have said many times before, I do see myself in him, so this makes me see us having equal 'roles' in my self-insert stuff. Though, yeah, this can vary depending on the situation/thing but mainly for 'natural reasons', like related to his body or wealth. I also just wish to take care of Molluck since he does need help but I also do not wish to do every single thing for him, I do not wish to be his valet, so yeah, luckily he got Sligs (too). But I love to think about things like washing him since I also care about his well-being. He is free to smoke though... He probably has quite strong cigar smell on him but I feel like it wouldn't be a problem for me, maybe would even enjoy it. I have been joking that there is no need to develop a scent for Molluck, like I have seen some scents developed for fictional characters, since you can just get a cigar and smell that! Yeah, that's basically what I have done... Bought a cigar just because of Molluck!
But yeah, I just have been trying to say that I do like to do the things in my way and it can annoy me when the things ain't done in that way... So yeah, I feel Molluck... I can be bossy and intimidating, even I have no intention to be like that. I guess that you can get it why I have no interest in seeing Molluck as 'a daddy'... Actually, if I could have chosen like any name for my account here, I would have chosen something like 'your boss'... I just enjoy boss stuff, being called a boss etc. and it's been so for a long time. I'm not being totally serious with my stuff, like this boss stuff is also about me having fun.
Oh, and I wanna be clear about that I don't wanna judge the other 'Molluck enjoyers', I'm only curious and wanna share my thoughts on how differently Molluck can be seen! I bet that it also just reflects the person itself, like I do see Molluck in a different way because I see myself in him versus a person who doesn't see themself in him. Just enjoy Molluck like you want but yes, you are also free to hate him! It's kinda odd when it comes to fictional loves, that you just can never really 'own' that character like a real person, meaning that there is just one 'version' of that real person while there are 'multiple copies' of that fictional character, many people being able to do self-insert stuff about them. I mean, yes, it can feel odd to see Molluck being like that with someone else but I'm also just interested in seeing how people see him since, like I have said, I have seen no one else seeing Molluck like I do, referring mainly to how I want him...
Also, I feel like the reason why I even want Molluck, why I love him this much, is different from what the others have since it's that I see myself in him; only after that his appearance caught my attention too, like I have said many times before. Maybe this is also the reason why I seem to be 'the only one who survived' from those 'Golden Molluck Years' since barely anyone else does Molluck content these days. My love for Molluck is just deep and true, and I feel like my love for him just keeps growing, I love him more than ever now! Everyone is free to love him for whatever reason but I'm just unable to love/want someone just for the appearance, it must be about something deep(er). I honestly don't know what makes Molluck hot for the others... So yeah, it's actually confusing for me to see that many people thinking that Molluck is hot... I just don't understand stuff like this in general since yeah, like I have said, I'm quite 'immune to appearance stuff', don't even know when someone is 'charismatic'... Man, sometimes I feel like I'm somehow broken when I seem to differ so often from the others, in many ways, but well, I'm just one odd creature. I have just grown up getting called 'odd' and it might be one of the reasons why I have developed self-hatred...
Man, I just can write so much about Molluck 'n' stuff related to him... But yeah, I don't mind being quite alone with being a Molluck content creator. I keep him loved, hugged, and kissed!
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Molluck Study Night
Man, I don't remember when was the last time I managed to draw this many sketches in a day... Last night I studied Molluck's anatomy, so the rest of the sketches here will be about naked Molluck. But this was the last one I did since I also wanted to just practice drawing his face. I had no idea how to draw him but then I just looked at those cutscenes and wanted to draw this one because he is just so cute when he is pondering after looking at the blimps in the first part of the good ending! This wasn't easy one to draw and I actually fixed this a bit digitally since I realized my mistakes while editing the photo of this... It just feels like I still have so much to learn how to draw this Gluk... I feel like I lack of something, making me unable to ever be professional in art, but maybe I just haven't been doing enough art, studies etc...
But currently, I do am trying to improve my art since I feel like I'm just stuck and haven't really improved in a decade... So, here's some random Molluck anatomy studies, being in order I made them:
These are actually quickly made sketches, so that's how I was actually able to draw this much in one night... Though, I finished that portrait after waking up since I become too sleepy to finish it. I personally feel like these sketches only show how poor my anatomy skills are, so I wasn't even sure if I post these or not but well, still wanted to be brave and show my poor skills bare naked, just like Molluck is... This is just how I feel about these sketches... They show my real skill level and I don't think that it's good... Well, gotta just keep drawing. Though, I do still sketch a lot poorer stuff when I try to figure out how to realize my drawing ideas... Well, I guess that I could give you a look at these actually awful sketches:
All of these are made for a sketch/drawing I have posted here. (Yes, I tend to sketch stuff using Paint.) Frankly, this is how I tend to see my skills, how I feel when I look at my stuff... I know that it's not nice to see an artist calling their art bad but I just wanna be honest, like brutally honest about how I see my stuff, so here's kinda like a visualisation of how I see my stuff, at least during my worst moments... There do are moments when I do feel like I can actually draw but they seem to be just little moments and I'm soon back to thinking about that I cannot draw a thing. It's depressing and it makes me feel kinda depressed when I look at the stuff on this post but well, this blog has also kinda been about the journey I have been doing with my Molluck art/stuff, in many ways.
I'm sorry but I just cannot pretend that I loved my art... I love Molluck so much but at the same time, I just hate myself so much... I don't even know why but I just feel like my life is already a failure... Just feel like how this stuff shows how I cannot truly draw... How me being skilled is just a lie... Man, I just have so bad impostor syndrome... I feel the best when I forget myself but when I think about myself, it only depresses me... I just tend to think that every energy/time/etc. spent on me is wasted...
Even looking at the stuff on this post makes me feel worse, I still wanna post this bad art. I just don't feel like that the portrait looks great either but I tried my best and that's the main thing. I just feel so bad about myself... It feels like I'm only able to practice self-love thru Molluck, making him being kind to me while I tell myself the worst possible things... This is one of the reasons why he is so important to me... He is the one that tells me inside my head not to do it, not to end it all... Frankly, like I said some time ago, it's actually like a mundane thing for me to think about suicidal things, just nothing special anymore, it's been so long like this, over a decade... This also kinda one reason why I'm so open about my own situation, I'm getting so tired of this... To describe how awful my mind is, I can say that it has just laughed at me when I have been reading about how seriously suicidal thoughts should be taken, said how I'm not worth saving but all the others are...
But I'm still trying to fight, even I have felt like life is pointless for over a decade... The cycle of life has just felt so odd: born, grow up, (breed,) die... Like, what's the point of this all? Why to live, why to survive... Thinking this stuff was the reason why I got depressed, just don't understand the point of living, doing anything in life... Maybe it's my personality that just makes me unable to enjoy life, stop caring about this... But like I have said, I do still feel like I'm a failure, so I'll never really be anything... This is how I just feel and I don't know how to stop feeling like this... Just everything I have 'achieved' feels like mere luck or 'lucky mistakes'... I just feel like I'm a living lie, my impostor syndrome is this bad...
I don't wanna depress anyone else but my blog has kinda become like this, that I also write how I'm doing with my mind since it affects my stuff a lot and Molluck kinda just keeps my mental health 'in place'. I really had some positive things in mind to write here but I just cannot when I feel like my 'art' looks so bad right now... Well, another time then. I'm sorry but I'm just fighting for my own life with my mind... Since I more like hate my creations, I'm only able to show my stuff related to Molluck since this Gluk is just the love of my life... This was also the reason why I didn't take part in that OWI's fan celebration thing they just held, just have no mood for making my stuff more visible, show it around but here. Like I have said many times, I felt like deleting my submission to that SoulStorm tattoo contest I won, it just looked so bad in my opinion... I only wish I was able to see what the people who enjoy my stuff see... Why is my mind just trying to kill me, but there somewhere I still know that I'm not so awful as my ill mind tells me, that I do have hope, that I shouldn't take my own life... Man, brains are so odd too...
I don't wish that I end this all because of all the bad things I tell myself. I more like wish that me being open about this can help the others like me. That's why I'm also working on a game related to mental health issues like mine. Thinking about publishing/showing it makes me feel nervous though but I'm trying my best with being able to show my stuff since my life kinda depends on it... Man, why it's so difficult to feel anything positive about myself... I seriously don't know why I hate myself so much... Why I have so high expectations for myself... Why I feel like I can do nothing in reality...
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Molluck Pixel Thing 2
Man, drawing this was yet another ride... I just felt like that I really gotta learn to draw in a more realistic way (= photorealism) in order to make my art look better. So, I wanted to try out drawing a realistic pixel portrait about Molluck. I had to adjust and edit this so many times that it almost triggered a mental breakdown... Just started to feel like I should quit art, hating myself for loving Molluck, just felt like hating my own creations, that I shouldn't even be a part of this community... That feeling made me cry, just felt so awful... Once, my mind made me unable to think about Molluck for a day, made him leave my mind... I just don't wish my mind to take him away from me, it would make me feel so empty...
I feel unsure about this but this has less flaws than the previous pixel Molluck thing, so I guess that it's time to change avatar too, even I feel like this doesn't look good as an avatar... I just keep feeling like there is always something wrong in my art but I'm not skilled enough to fix those flaws... Man, why must Molluck be so hard to draw... Been drawing for almost 3 years only this Gluk and still feel like I don't know how to draw him... Frankly, it depresses me but I'm trying not to give up even it comes to my mind almost every day. It felt like the only thing that made me stop me hating myself for loving Molluck was how much I do love him and how it would make him feel bad... Sometimes, I just think that why he would even love me or more like how he would start loving me since love needs no reasons... I haven't said this clearly but yes, I self-ship myself with Molluck and I wanna keep that stuff to myself, just like my NSFW Molluck stuff. I do have my own story for my self-ship, though I'm not totally sure about it, mostly just because I'm not sure how Molluck would have started to love me... It's just so difficult to see myself as someone to love, just anything lovable in me... But despite of this, thru him I'm able to have some self-love, tell myself that all the awful things I think about myself ain't true, that I shouldn't end this all...
I know that I should say that I'm sorry for having severe mental health issues but I still feel sorry... I just don't wanna pretend and Molluck just relates so closely to my mental health... It feels like I don't really feel like doing anything with my life but creating all this Molluck stuff is a pleasant way to waste/spend my time. I don't want any pity, just hope that my existence here doesn't ruin things, that I'm open about this long ass hell I'm going thru inside my head every single day... I'm just so tired... Feel like caring about things less and less...
I don't know how to end this post... This Gluk is just so important to me... It's interesting that our brains don't seem to care about if the one we love is 'real' or fictional. It's just not easy to find words for my thoughts but it just feels like my life would lost the last sense it makes to me if my mind took Molluck away from me... Also, sometimes, I just feel like everyone could draw Molluck better than me, just every single person in this world... I know, my ill mind can make me feel like irrational things are the truth, even I know that it's not the truth, but those lies still feel so real... But this feeling is just one of those reasons why I feel like quiting doing art, feeling like I could be easily replaced, nothing I draw is special, there is just no reasons to continue doing bad 'art' since I cannot draw in reality... I don't even really feel like calling myself an artist but a creator... But despite of these feelings, I still continue creating stuff since I just wanna create stuff, no matter how bad my stuff looks. I also just need more Molluck content... Frankly, I can admit that I'm kinda addicted to some of my Molluck content... Um, I guess that I can admit that all animations I have done about Molluck, both in 2D and in 3D (minus my Molluck game sprites), are NSFW content... I have been thinking about doing animations that I can also show but well, at least I have learned to get better in 3D animations, like I just found out camera stuff in Blender! I recently also felt like hating myself for spending so much effort on those animations... I just cannot help myself that all I want is that Gluk, my ill mind must just accept it.
I know that this can be odd but I cannot help this... This is my situation, this is what I love.
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Success
Man, just got some new ideas what kind of Molluck stuff to draw... So yeah, I just felt like kinda recreating that one Molluck concept art piece like this since man, it's such a handsome piece of art and I love it! Though, this is still a sketch-like thing. He just looks somehow so pleased there that I wanted to keep that emotion here. But I have also wanted to draw Molluck around neon lights for some time, so I kinda combined these two ideas.
I feel like I have somehow understood how to deal with this paper, though I wouldn't use it for proper stuff and it's actually sketching paper, so yeah, just for sketching. I do like how crayon-like these colour pencils look and how well they mix and blend. I don't know how usual it is for artists to feel clueless about what they are doing... I mean, I just had no idea again how to create the colours of Molluck's head with this light but I could figure out good enough colours. It just feels like there somewhere I might know what I'm doing but my conscious mind doesn't...
Frankly, I'm unsure of what suit to draw Molluck wearing since it's unknown if this version of Molluck had a purple suit too... That one Molluck doll in the opening cutscene has that old design, but it might be a 'legacy thing', something that was created before Molluck got his new design I mean, and they didn't bother to change it. In the SoulStorm artbook it can be seen that first, they did use the New 'n' Tasty model (but you can also see that Gluk model in that Vykker's Lab's test cutscene thing; I still wonder who that Gluk is, just cannot be totally sure if it's Molluck or not... He owns the SoulStorm Brewery though.). But I personally prefer this suit for this Molluck, so I draw him wearing it. Dunno if he has multiple different suits or if he is one of those who just has multiple 'copies' of the same outfit...
But yeah, I also got another idea that I tried to figure out first but I wasn't pleased enough with my realization idea of it, so I let it be for now. But that idea was related to the shady side of his business. But despite of realizing that side of him, I'm still unable to see him as evil... It's just much more complex than that and I don't like to simplify things being just 'good' or 'evil'. He didn't found RuptureFarms but was sent to lead it. But it seems that the SoulStorm brew was developed during his time, at least SoulStorm gives this impression. It also came to my mind to think how Molluck called Abe 'uneducated', which strengthens my view of that Molluck has been taught to be like this, grown up having these views, but he also lives in a cruel world, so he gotta do what he needs to in order to survive. Man, I really wish to know how Gluks are educated... Like, how and what did Molluck study...
But I do love this Gluk, no matter what he has done. I just don't wanna care about moral stuff here. If he is a bastard, then we are bastards together! Yeah, like I have said multiple times, I'm a 'Glukhugger'. They have just been always my fave species in Oddworld... I cannot help it, I just love them!
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Colour Pencil Sketching
I mentioned some time ago that I got new colour pencils now (even I got plenty of other colour pencils already but not ones like these), so it was the time to test them. Man, it's so difficult to get good photos of these but well, I do my best with editing the shots... I gotta edit the paper look this black and such, like it actually is...
Those colour pencils are Derwent Chromaflow and I do like them so far, but the paper... Not gonna buy this one again... It was a miracle that I didn't make any holes to the first layer of the paper now but well, some little scratches still... Gotta find some 'lighter' art supplies or techniques for the rest of this paper... But yeah, I have never really drawn 'proper stuff' with colour pencils but very rarely. But I have seen people getting great results with them, so it has inspired me to find and try out good colour pencils. Honestly, I feel like I have no idea how to actually use colours but I'm trying to figure out my own way to colour things. I kinda just do 'trial and error' stuff when I colour stuff... It still feels easier to colour traditionally than digitally, at least when it comes to mixing colours.
Yeah, I need to use different paper for this stuff... I do personally still think that stuff like this are sketches since these are 'simple stuff' and only take a few hours. For some odd reason, I got water colour paper pads the most... But I do enjoy water colours, so gotta waste fill that paper with Molluck stuff! Man, I recently bought 4 new sketchbooks... I didn't have empty ones anymore and finally found ones I wanted to find! Pretty much just hoarded them but I like sketchbooks to have themes, not just filled with random stuff, so yeah, I got my own plans with them, though it's all Molluck stuff... Though, I do got a sketchbook version of this black paper too... Well, gotta figure out how to fill it without ruining the paper... All I'm saying is that I got a lot plans and paper to fill! But despite of this, I have felt quite depressed recently, so it was kinda why I wanted to draw Molluck smiling, being my light in the dark...
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Useful Rage
I just have been feeling like drawing a cartoony Molluck for a while since his mouth just gives me some design ideas for such. It's been probably 2-3 years since I drew a cartoony Molluck... This is a pretty random drawing and I got more ideas/twists while I was doodling this; like originally there was no Slig but then, I just got an idea of Molluck's anger being useful for breaking fruits for making 'poladas' which is a reference to pina colada. I have no idea what like 'pineapple' Oddworld has but yeah, for some odd reason, it just came to my mind that pineapples kinda look like Abe's head and that's kinda how this whole thing was born... Just felt like making Molluck bite something and yeah, I was thinking about Abe's head, but well, it's figurative here!
I don't know what else to say about this randomness... Kinda just trying to find my cartoony/stylized style since I have never really liked my style to draw despite of that there has been people who have loved it. It just feels tiring when it feels like my drawing style never looks good enough... This is also probably the biggest reason why I prefer to draw in a realistic way... It's just easier.
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Inside 'n' Outside
Felt like illustrating quickly (= 1-2 hour(s)...) how I analyzed Molluck's behaviour and expressions last night. I just came to a conclusion that Molluck seems to somehow hide his sorrow from the Slig, hiding it under his anger. (Yes, he is also angry but there is also sorrow.) Maybe he doesn't wanna look soft or how I should say this, cry in front of him ect... Like, in the bad ending, Molluck does take some distance from the Slig, wanting to be alone with his sorrow. It can be seen how hearing those words about not being able to achieve his life-long dream from the Slig's mouth hurts him. ...Yes, I guess that I see it now that he has problems with dealing with emotions, why he might actually have anger issues. He clearly doesn't wanna talk a single word about his situation/future with the Slig, he doesn't wanna hear his advice, attempts to comfort him... He doesn't wanna be told what he should/could do, he probably already knows it and that's also why he is just irritated to hear that stuff; it happens to me too... But yeah, when it comes to their communication, Molluck is only willing to talk about what should be done and about his situation in general, but not related to his dreams and such, no personal stuff.
Man, I really wish to help him with this... Like I have said many times before, I see that there somewhere is warmth and friendliness inside him. I just cannot help it, I see that he is lovely, well, at least if you have a good and close relationship with him... I bet that he is quite picky with relationships but also has his reasons for them; I'm just referring to his back-stabbing side, he used it to achieve his position. I understand him and see that being a Gluk ain't easy. They gotta seem powerful to say in the game, and one reason for that is that they do have a significant disadvantage when it comes to physical stuff but Molluck seems to have physical strength too, at least more than an average Gluk... I still wonder how he killed the Slig in the bad ending... But I guess that he might have used his mouth or something... And then just threw him out thru a (trap)door... According to the worst ending, it wasn't the first time he has thrown a Slig to his death.
I have seen some people saying that Molluck doesn't have personality but I see that he has a lot of it. Of course, there are many ways to see him and I'm only telling my own narrative. I don't wanna argue if someone sees him in a wrong or right way; I'm only into hearing why people think certain things about him. But yeah, I just see that Molluck has humanity and for some reason, I'm unable to see him as evil... Well, yes, it can be difficult to see such a thing especially when I love this Gluk so much and see that under all that anger, greed, and brutality is a sweet Gluk. I bet that since I see myself in him, it's like the only reason why I'm able to build this kind of detailed image of him, understand him...
There ain't much information about Molluck, so yeah, gotta fill these holes and gaps by myself but he has also been changed since AO, his retirement dream too, from a house to a blimp. But luckily, there has been opportunities to ask stuff from Lorne and it still touches me that I have gotten answers three times, one quite long one too, and yes, it also makes me happy that Lorne knows that I'm really into Molluck's story. Man, I barely could focus on listening to his answer when it happened for the first time since it made me cry... I was just so happy! So yeah, if you listen to that Q&A stuff, I'm that Riki.
Oh, I just also remembered one thing I thought some days ago: You better not tell a Gluk that you love him to the moon and back! Yeah, probably best to end this to this 'tip'...
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Two Sides of Molluck
Man, I just felt like quickly sketching these two sides of Molluck: 'the anger issues having, bossy jerk', and him being a sweet Gluk. Yeah, these are like the 'basic two layers' I see his personality having. Frankly, I still don't know if him having anger issues is exaggerating or not since this information is from SoulStorm's worst ending but I bet that the Sligs might have this image of him.
Him being easily irritated and being angry in general in SoulStorm is totally understandable but he still tries to control himself and warns the Slig to stop talking about his situation before he gets really mad... But well, like the bad ending shows, he didn't listen to his warnings... Also, I recognize him actually talking in a friendly way to the Slig, even when he sounds angry, like in that first part of the good ending cutscene. Maybe it's that I can sound angry even when I'm not, so I can see behind his harsh tone that he doesn't really mean it, or at least it makes sense to me... Though yes, he does also use harsh language on purpose and means it, but yeah, you probably got my point. It's just kinda his way to talk, and yeah, like I said, it reminds me of mine...
And yeah, the second sketch is kinda a redraw of one about three years old drawing. I just have been thinking about drawing something like this for a while since I just love his loose face... I just wish to grab his cheeks and stroke and 'shake' them... Man, he is also just so adorable, like the cutest thing I know! Just this part of this cutscene...:
He is just so adorable here... I just love this part of him taking deep breath with his cigar... Man, I just cannot express enough how cute he is... This is probably my top1 fave screenshot from SS, just because he looks so endearing here...
But yeah, I could just go on and on with my Molluck talk, so um, I stop here... Man, I just love this Gluk so much... Loving to waste spend my time and energy on him. (Y)
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2 Years Ol' Blog 'n' 3D Molluck Stuff
Man, having this blog has been a ride... I posted my first post here on 1st April 2022 and created this blog/account a few days before. During this whole time, my mental health issues have affected my blog and I was about to delete it before I even posted anything but I still decided to give it a try since I already got some followers; it felt supportive. I was surprised to have such a warm welcoming here and it still warms my heart. I still had some moments when I had to hide all my posts since I just couldn't stand my own stuff. Sometimes, it still comes to my mind but I'm doing my best to try to learn to at least tolerate my own creations. I feel sorry for being like this but only if it was easy to get rid of self-hatred... I also just tend to only see all my mistakes I have made when I look at my stuff, all the things I should learn...
But I try to be positive here, even I just tend to see darkness when I think about my own future. I just don't believe in myself... Originally, I didn't wanna be personal here but it just happened when one anon asked me if I had more art to show... I didn't since I have hidden all my old art. I have been on Tumblr for 10+ years but never posted anything until I created this blog. What brought me here was the active Oddworld community, the lovely people here. Even I think dim things about myself like every day, I do appreciate your support! Even I have my own difficulties with believing in that I have any talent/skills, compliments are light to my own dark image of myself.
I'll talk more later on this post but now, I'll show some 3D Molluck stuff and well, talk about Molluck... I show first my first Molluck sculpt I did improve today (yesterday):
I would still say that this is a WIP since well, there do is stuff to improve and do but yeah, I think that it would be wiser to let this be now and redo this since this is done in such an amateur way... There is no way to animate this since its geometry is a nightmare... I was able to rig this a bit when it wasn't so detailed, test out animating it but then, it became impossible. But well, the truth is that I do have still made animations with this despite of that... Frankly, the reason why I created this sculpt was my thirst for Molluck, how much I wish I was able to be with him... But this has helped me out multiple times with my drawings too!
I'm still not totally sure about some things of his anatomy but I have been doing my best to figure it out. I also realize that this sculpt makes Molluck look a bit more muscular/bigger than he is (see his neck and head size) but I have tried my best with fixing this situation since he did look even more bulky back then... The difference ain't too big but well, I do can create my own version of him too! I also see that this ain't 100 % correct when it comes to his face too but I tried my best. I'm still a beginner with 3D stuff, so I didn't use the best methods to do this either... I also feel like I just learned new things about his head when I compared this to the SoulStorm model recently... So yeah, this sculpt is a mixture of SoulStorm model, good ol' concept art of Gluk anatomy and my own adjustments. I only say SoulStorm model because it's based on New 'n' Tasty model, so he probably looks like the same under the suit but yes, that naked Molluck model has been my main reference for his body. The biggest change I have done compared to that has been his hands since I love his hand in that concept art! They are just the best hands, the most beautiful hands I know... But well, his whole body is the most beautiful body, at least for me!
Yeah, I think that I have made it quite clear how much I would love to have him... I already have said it but, he is my only desire... I cannot help myself with that Molluck is 'a perfect man' for me... No one else has felt right for me, there was always something off... But frankly, even I have seen multiple people being thirsty for Molluck, I have seen no one else wanting him like I do... None of that 'spicy' Molluck art I have seen reminds me of mine. It's just interesting how differently I see him since in the others' 'spicy art' Molluck has similar vibe and role... I don't really want Molluck because I have a thirst for him; I only have a thirst for him because I love him and for me, it's about sharing and giving love! I truly wish to make him feel good and loved. I have decided that I don't post my NSFW Molluck content but some cropped stuff but I could still post some suggestive things, though like I have said, I see him from a different perspective than the ones I have seen, with what I mean that he is 'the receiver'. I have just never seen him in this role by the others. I guess that this can explain why I have said that for me, he already has 'the stuff', no need for 'the usual additions'. His body also just feels more 'elegant' when there is no such a thing. This is just my preference, you can have yours. But it's just interesting to see how my way to imagine/see Molluck differs from the others. Though yes, I do remember when that one Molluck ask blog was still active and at least one person asked if Molluck liked things in his ass... Might have been just harassment or no one has just published such a content...
Frankly, I do actually prefer his back view instead of his front view, even I have been drawing it more... It's just that I'm unsure of how to handle nudity here... I don't wanna post his ass in front of the people who don't wanna see it... Nudity is natural for me but I just don't wanna make anyone feel uncomfortable because of my naked Molluck stuff... I just adore his body, so gotta draw it... Man, I would just keep talking how much I love his different body parts but I save you from that...
So, yeah, let's move on! I have already shown this one but I feel like reposting it now:
This is my stylized, simple Molluck model from last summer (2023). It's close to be finished since it's meant to be simple but some details are missing. You might wonder what's this style: Back then, I was inspired by Osamu Sato and his old video game graphics, so I wanted to create something similar to his style. I would like to try to rig this and then try to create more 3D models. Man, I would like to do so much 3D stuff... Oh, and yeah, it would be fun to make a naked version of him with this style too! I just have so much Molluck art ideas inside my head...
Oh, and yeah, I have been thinking for a longer time if I should show this or not but this feels like the right place to do it. So yes, I have created like a year ago a Molluck sim for The Sims 2. I know that it can look odd but he cannot look much better without doing own mods... I don't know how to mod these games but would like to learn it.
But yeah, I pretty muchly abused the face sliders here and did my own textures but also found a cigar for him. I did improve his face over time since I also needed to see how it works in the game. I also needed to lift his face after I found the cigar to place it into his mouth. It's basically only possible to create him to The Sims 2 like this because of the Body Shop is such a great tool and it actually lets you to use those face sliders without a limit: just edit the sim over and over again. Though yes, there is a tool to paint your sim's textures in The Sims 1 but it's such a pain to use... Oh, and you might notice those little dots: I just love to add his nevi to him, like you might have noticed from my drawings!
And yeah, my only reason for creating this Molluck sim was my self-insert stuff, even I do prefer him like he is, not as 'an anthro'... I just crave for this Gluk every day... Well, the good thing is that I'm able to create stuff about him, so I get some help even I know that I'll never get him... Also, even I recently said that marriage feels odd, it has now started to make some sense to me... I mean, I have started to feel alright about it. Maybe it's that my feeling of Molluck being 'the one' for me is getting stronger and stronger or it's a sign of my healing since I have just felt like it's better that no one is bound to me... Maybe it's the both. But despite of this, I still value the friendship the most since it's the strongest relationship type, so when the relationship is based on it, it's stronger than mere romance ect. I don't know if it sounds odd or not but for the first time, I actually feel good about marrying Molluck.
But yeah, this has already been a long post but just wanna say some stuff related to my blog:
I have multiple reasons why I tend to turn reblogs off and it's only for my own mental health, not that I had anything against you. Sometimes, I just kinda hate to see myself posting so actively, so I don't really like to see my stuff on someone else's blog either... I have never really known what to think about reblogs... Also, I don't like some technical things related to them, so it also makes me prefer to have them off. Maybe there somewhere my feeling of that I'm just ruining everything, also this community, affects this too... It's at least one big reason why I don't really interact here, even I would like to.
The truth is that I have never pressed the like button here, even I would have liked to, and it's just because of me feeling like it's better that I'm invisible. I tend to feel ashamed of myself, think that I'm a failure... It's not easy for me to be open and relaxed but I just wish to talk about Molluck so much that this happens... I do have other things in my life too but it's much more difficult for me to talk about them... I just feel like that if I didn't have Molluck, I wouldn't post any content right now, would have disappeared from the Internet. It's like extremely difficult for me to create an online imago, 'sell myself', build a portfolio... It has felt like this is gonna be my doom... My own self-hatred... But I'm still trying my best and going to make a big investment to this stuff this year, so that I can create better 3D stuff and use Unreal Engine. It's just for my future, otherwise I wouldn't feel ready to do it. I'm just trying to believe in myself, even it feels so difficult... I just wanna be honest about what I'm going thru since it affects my content a lot.
I have already written so much, so it's probably the best to end this post. But before that, I do wanna thank for all your support and your understanding, patience... I thought that I would probably be left all alone again after I open up about the hell I have inside my mind, that probably no one actually wants me to be here, like I'm used to think, but I have been wrong. It really touches me that I have been welcomed here and despite of everything, you still wish to support me. It's just about to make me cry, especially when, frankly, suicidal thoughts are quite common for me, been for over a decade. It's just like something daily... I'm so used to it. But something always just tells me not to do it, even I have thought about it like over a thousand times, if not thousands of times... Sometimes, I just think that I should be Molluck's next meat product but in my imagination, he still tells me that he would only lose money if he did that because I'm priceless.
I don't expect that people really read my stuff but I do really appreciate all the time you spend on my stuff since time is valuable! I just kinda need to write this stuff to here since I spend like almost all of my time alone and there somewhere I also wish that all this writing could help the others who also deal with similar mental health problems. I often feel like no healing has actually happened but I see from little things that slow healing is happening, like that I feel now alright about marrying Molluck and it only happened like a few days ago. I'm just starting to find happiness thru Molluck but he alone hasn't still helped me to heal. Even my mind keeps telling me it's a waste to support me and I have difficulties with receiving compliments, all support is still helping me.
Sometimes, I still think about this anon's words from about two years ago: 'I am cheering you and Molluck on and toasting to your brilliance.' The other compliments I have also gotten do also echo inside my head from time to time but I just wanted to say that I would have never imagined something like this to be said to me and these words do really mean a lot to me still. Toasting also just sounded fitting for this anniversary, so even this feels difficult for me, because I suffer from this severe self-hatred, I wish to toast to myself, for keeping going, even it has been so difficult, felt so tempting to end this all... But I wouldn't have still made it this far alone, so thanks for my family, all the lovely people who have supported me thru my life but also OWI for creating Molluck( and Oddworld)! It just feels like a miracle that I'm still here.
~ Much love!
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Thunderous Molluck in Ink 'n' Gell
I had no plans to draw more this week since gotta do stuff but my old Faber-Castell PITT Artist Pens felt somehow tempting, so I had to grab them and try to sketch Molluck in ink, for the first time actually. I had some problems with them since they were old and well-used, so it kinda felt like every pen kinda died after a while... But there was enough ink to get this done, somehow... I had to make this darker than I wanted because the light ones were the most used ones. But yeah, also the black ones were quite dead but luckily, I have probably about 200 artist markers... So, yeah, I was sure to find a working black brush marker somewhere. Yeah, I used to love drawing with markers and I'm not even sure when was the last time I actually drew with them... But when it comes to using these pens, I guess the last time was about a decade ago... I only have gray ones of these.
I used to love sketch in ink, even it's quite unforgiving media and you need to draw straight away. So, doing this felt somehow nostalgic, using those old pens. Even this looked fine, I still wanted to add that Gelly Roll on it. It made this look somehow thunderous but I think that it's something fitting, his expression is quite thunderous too! I feel surprised about how well this came out since yeah, there is no room for mistakes when using ink and the pen situation wasn't the best, felt like I already ruined it at one point but I didn't give up and tried to fix it by making this darker and it seemed to work. I still see some flaws but nothing (too) serious.
I don't think that I have ever drawn this screenshot, though I made his head fully visible here, even I have loved this one for so long... Man, this Gluks is just so beautiful, what else I can say here... It felt like I did notice even more details when I was drawing this or more like that my vision got better somehow... It just feels like over time, I just see those cutscenes differently, see more details and stuff, understand better the shapes and anatomy etc. there... It's just interesting, and it's probably a sign of that my skills are developing. When I started drawing Molluck almost 3 years ago, it felt so difficult to understand how to draw this Gluk... That's why my first Molluck was so terrible, I had no idea how to draw him... I still wouldn't say that I have 'mastered' drawing him but done good progress.
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