#whoops I trauma dumped again

[whovianderson]

(TW) A very overly personal discussion of Mulder’s suicidality in Redux

Despite Mulder ending up faking his suicide, I immediately picked up on the implication that he was close to killing himself before the phone rang.

(Side note, but I’m virulently opposed to how they used this for shock value. Suicide should not be written as a cliffhanger. It is a serious issue that ruins lives, my family’s included, and not a writing device.)

Anyway, I don’t think this attempt is in character for Mulder.

Namely, he would never do that to Scully. A huge part of the reason he’s distressed at all is because he feels responsible for Scully dying. If he killed himself, Scully would know that, and would subsequently blame herself. He would effectively be making her feel responsible for his death in the way that he feels responsible for hers. Maybe I’m biased by my experiences, but he has to know that he’d be hurting her more if he did this. That’s why I was so relieved to discover that there was never a moment that Scully thought he did kill himself, because I know the horrifying emotions she would be experiencing in that position. This storyline reminded me of what it’s like to experience those emotions. It also made me think about what the people I love feel when they are suicidal, which in itself was distressing.

I’m aware that this is a very sensitive topic, and I hope this doesn’t come across badly. I know (from my own personal experience) that when one is in such a state, one doesn’t have the capacity to think of other people. I am by no means blaming Mulder, or anyone else who deals with mental illness as I do, for its effects on others. Mental illness is not a choice, and therefore can’t be blameworthy. Neither can one rationalise with mental illness, because it doesn’t make sense, so I’m not going to try.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that from Mulder’s entire characterisation so far, his love for Scully transcends everything. He has proven time and time again that he cares about her more than he cares about himself. I don’t think he would risk putting her in a position where she could feel any guilt for his death, when such guilt is literally why he wants to die. She is dying already. He wouldn’t want to infuse her last moments with guilt in that way.

I don’t deny the fact that Mulder’s entire life has been turned on its head, and that’s had a huge impact on his mental state. I’ve written about this in other posts, but the strategies he developed to cope with his trauma and grief have suddenly been taken away from him. On top of this, the fact that he indulged in those coping strategies for so long has fatally harmed the person he loves most. It would be enough to make anyone feel this way.

I know firsthand what it’s like to hold yourself responsible for someone else’s life, what it feels like to believe that you are killing somebody. I can’t begin to describe how awful it is. To this day, I feel so guilty about not being able to fix other people’s struggles that it drives me to some very, very dark places to try and reverse the roles. So trust me, I understand where Mulder is coming from, and this episode is yet another way he is an extremely relatable character to me.

Perhaps I am being contrived for the sake of relating to Mulder, perhaps I am in denial. It’s hard to say. Overall, as a fandom, I think we need to treat all interpretations of this scene with respect - particularly because it’s such a difficult subject for so many of us.

Sorry, that was very self-indulgent. I just needed to write my thoughts out in order to be able to continue to enjoy the show that has brought me so much joy.

I’ve already started watching Redux II, and it has helped me so much! Mulder had found a productive way to help Scully, one that isn’t self-destructive. That’s what I aspire to achieve on my healing journey. He was also so happy to see Scully when he visited her in hospital, which made me emotional. He’s decided to savour the time he has left with her instead, because being present for the people you love is the most important thing, even if you can’t save them.

I’m so, so grateful for The X-Files. Not long ago, I wouldn’t have been able to watch the show because of this. Instead, the inclusion of this plot line has enabled me to challenge my biggest trigger, and rewarded me with the continued enjoyment of something I love with my whole heart. Recovery is possible, and this has shown me that I’m now one step closer!

#I had a whole breakthrough with my mental health while writing this post lmao #had to take a quick break to write an email to my therapist #tw suicide #tw discussion of suicide #whoops I trauma dumped again #pip watches txf for the first time and goes insane #5x01 #redux #the x-files

[the-matron-of-ravens]

Genuinely curious, what are your thoughts on Dancer and FCG cuz like, he Literally, not figuratively, tried to kill her and did kill all of her companions at the time. I can see being critical cuz she doesn't seem to treat them like sentient beings, but even in the canon... most of the automatons aren't. Just some of the really old ones from Aeor/other old cities, right? So? She got a whoops!sentient microwave, treated them like a microwave, they killed all her friends and almost her and she's supposed to....? Be good buds with them? Also I know it's said that she trauma dumped on FCG, but let's switch it from microwave to personal journal - how would YOU feel if your personal journal popped to life and attacked you for trauma dumping? IDK haha I guess Idk you opinions and I'm just responding to my projected assumptions of your opinion. REALLY I'd 100% sincerely would like to hear your thoughts. I was really bothered by FCG pushing to meet with Dancer. Like jeez just leave her alone, you're her literal sleep paralysis demon, read the room.

Hey! Thanks for the ask, I put this a little bit in the tags but I can elaborate more here. (Edit: elaborate A LOT MORE it seems)

So here goes, I don’t know if you meant it this way but the analogy of a journal or microwave is helpful here because that’s exactly how Dancer treated FCG - as a tool to be used. But they *aren’t*. FCG is a whole being with emotions and thoughts all of which are apparent and so clearly distinct from other automatons.

So tbh, I think the perspective of “whoops! Sentient bot” makes sense for like a month, max. Not years. After all, we have seen NPC after NPC recognize FCG is a sentient being almost immediately after meeting him. I find it VERY hard to believe that Dancer never realized it herself.

Additionally, we need to step out of the plot itself and look at FCG’s mechanics. We know that every time he heals, takes damage for someone else, etc. he takes stress points, and that once past a certain threshold his switch flips and he goes full Murderbot.

We also know that rest and recovery are what reduces FCG’s stress points. So that tells us that Dancer was using and using and using FCG and not letting him rest (enough? At all?) even though he needed it. Because again he’s a person not a tool.

Even when they met back up recently and FCG sobered her up she remarked how she missed him doing that for her. And while I don’t expect her to miss him, I do think it’s indicative of her interest in him never being about him as a person but only how he could serve her.

And if we want to criticize FCG for his lack of boundaries, inability to take no for an answer and pathological need to fix Dancer sure that’s fair. He needs to unlearn a lot of that and quick. But we then have to ask ourselves where did those traits come from? They didn’t come from nowhere.

FCG is mentally extremely YOUNG. Aside from the 6?-ish Months spent with Ashton all he remembers is his time with Dancer. So, if FCG has a pathological need to fix others, to help them, and feels worthless if he’s unable to do so - that comes from how Dancer treated and trained him.

That doesn’t just go away; ESPECIALLY not when FCG doesn’t even remember going postal and doesn’t see to have the (IMO) most clear and realistic view of his and Dancer’s relationship.

After all look how he interacts with the Changebringer. She’s his surrogate Mom/Dancer. He needs someone to tell him how to feel, think, and what’s Good and Bad because he doesn’t know how to do it for himself - because he wasn’t *taught* to.

But here’s my real question. What do we call one person keeping another person in service to them, with no compensation or personhood to be had, and with no intentions of releasing that person from that service? That’s slavery my dude. AT BEST indentured servitude.

(but that implies there’s a debt. What debt? Waking him up? He didn’t ask for that; that was her choice.

And again this sounds a lot like children being “indebted” to parents for giving them life, housing, feeding, etc. )

That’s the part I can’t get over. And that’s the part I can’t get behind where FCG is the abusive one. The power differential was NEVER in FCG’s court; he never once thought of himself as a person or as anything but in service of “Soul Touched”. That complete sacrifice of yourself and your needs (or an inability to even know you HAVE needs) comes from being in relationships where those things are expected/demanded.

So, yeah, he literally tried to kill her, and I gotta be real I’m not surprised. Even children of abusive parents who they love snap sometimes. Because again, that’s mentally what he was at the time. A child.

But even then, no I don’t think it’s unreasonable or unrealistic for Dancer to be traumatized or not want to see FCG again. I don’t even think she’s wrong to say “I can’t give you closure” because closure isn’t something other people give you.

But the way she’s been discussed to be largely clueless about his sentience, blameless in his blow up, and FCG’s victim? I just can’t get behind that. Like at all.

#Critical Role #CR Spoilers #FCG #Dancer #TW: slavery mention #of the fantasy variety #tw: parental abuse #I don’t think this is discourse (moreso Meta IMO) but if folks feel differently I’ll add a tag #fresh cut grass

[ladyluscinia]

BLACKHANDS GIRLIES WE ARE REALLY IN IT NOW!!!

(aka Lady's OFMD 2x01 - 2x03 BlackHands rambling)

Link to the general non-BlackHands thoughts.

Screaming. Whooping. Cheering. *Singsong voice* My fucked up pirate husbands had mutual love confessions while the main fucked up pirate husbands are "on a break" after admitting they made each other happy! AAAAHHHHHH!!! Can't murder-suicide the other half of yourself! I am winning!!!

ADJSKLDFSKJFKDL

Ok. Deep breaths. This will be rambling but coherently (<- lying)

---

Breakup Boat - Izzy's Version

Fuck, I said in my general thoughts post that the extremities of Edward's cruelty & Edward's suicidal pursuit were working well, and nowhere is that more noticeable than in what Edward and Izzy have going on.

So in the timeskip between S1 and S2 we find out Edward has been raiding ships at a breakneck pace, uncaringly trauma bonding his crew (R.I.P. Ivan), going hard on murder & booze & drugs, and tormenting Izzy to the point my guy is literally having a breakdown in front of the crew. He lost the 1st toe for threatening to resign and accidentally setting off a Stede-hurt timebomb, and Edward goes to take a 4th because Izzy doesn't convince his whole crew to happily dump their pay in the ocean. "Threaten me again" has become "Give me any excuse" it seems, and Izzy has been complying. 😬 Edward (casually): "Take your boot off." 😬 Earlier Edward offers him rhino horn, too, and Izzy just says "No, not right now" leading Edward to call him a "lightweight", so I'm thinking Edward hasn't had exclusive rights to substance abuse as a means of coping, either. (Note: the rhino horn itself does nothing, so the substance abuse is booze and any actual drugs he's gotten his hands on.)

Oh, and they didn't include the shot where Edward throws a knife at Izzy? Did it just get cut, or are we getting flashbacks with more conversation later?

Going to rewatch the end of 1x10, Izzy's "smile" at declaring Blackbeard was back lasts a fraction of a second and looks just like his "everything is totally fine I swear" grimace-smiles from the beginning of the episode, so I think it's pretty safe to say Izzy did not ask for this and hasn't thought everything was fine for a single second since.

The Breakup Boat atmosphere is definitely fucked.

Now, personally, I'm still of the opinion we're not supposed to read this as a version of a domestic abuse arc (even with the intervention talk). (EDIT: clarifying thoughts and phrasing.) Because they still inject too much of it with humor and I can't imagine Edward comfortably coming out the other side at a happy ending if we frame it that way. Like there's black comedy and then there's "Wait, we're really just laughing this off?" I think horrific domestic abuse of your ex-situationship in a romance counts as the latter. But I do think it's revealed to be functioning as something adjacent - namely Edward's depression and suicidal tendencies have massively spiked post-Stede and he's actively seeking to a) confirm his own belief that he's unlovable, and b) get killed so everything stops hurting.

And Izzy? Izzy loves him and wants him alive. Worst thing Edward could hear right now.

Like oh my GOD IZZY LOVES HIM. As soon as Izzy hits his breaking point and realizes the crew have his back, he's emboldened to go stand up for them and himself to Edward. (He has been defending them already - the pre-intervention conversation open with him quietly alluding that they need a break - but this is more.) He ignores the boot order, ignores the threat, and finally asks the damn question:

"Who am I to you?"

This is where my linear coherency falls apart btw 🥴

---

Who KNOWS You?

"We've worked together for years. You know me better than anyone has ever known me, and I daresay the same is true for me about you. I have... love for you, Edward."

Oh fuck backstory implications oh FUCK.

Ok, I've already seen the posts doubling down on Izzy realizing he doesn't know Edward at all and I'm drawing my line in the sand. That's bullshit. That line there? That's straight truth.

To quote my own posts:

People will act like you are making bold and unsubstantiated claims if you say Izzy likes Edward as a person not just as Blackbeard, but I find the notion that “Blackbeard” as a human guy you live down the hall from is somehow substantially different / distant enough from the real Edward 24/7 that only liking Blackbeard is plausible to be a very bold claim.

(That conclusion comes from this post, but Izzy knowing Edward vs Stede knowing Edward was also a major point in my original overarching Edward Meta from Season 1.)

Of course Izzy knows Edward. He knows his talents and his weaknesses. He knows the shifts in his mood, his favorite foods to find in a hold, what tasks he used to pass off as often as possible. He talks about work with him because they live on a ship. Their state of dysfunction when we meet them doesn't negate that knowing.

Knowing each other so well actually made their dysfunction worse. Let them escalate more than two people less intimate could have managed, while also exacerbating their misjudgements into ruinous disasters. Izzy didn't know - probably in part didn't want to know - Edward was falling hard for Stede so fast. Edward didn't know or want to know that Izzy was reaching a breaking point for their relationship.

But still, crucially, Izzy did know Edward well enough to clock that something was fundamentally wrong in 1x10, and he knows what's wrong now. He knows Edward is hurting him and hurting the crew because Edward himself is hurting, and the whole point of this "I'm worried about you" talk is to try and fix it.

Unfortunately, Izzy has Stede so unspoken at the front of his mind that he accidentally quotes the man, and that sets Edward off on his interrogation / further terrorizing the crew Izzy is trying to stand up for. Which is why Izzy finally makes his choice to stop talking around the issue...

"The atmosphere on this ship is fucked. Everyone knows why." -> "Your feelings for Stede fucking Bonnet."

...and then Edward shoots his leg out. Not even looking at him.

Jump ahead. Edward says to Frenchie, "The new First Mate always kills the old First Mate. It's always been like that." - Has it though? Because that has some wild implications for Izzy murdering someone to secure his spot in Edward's circle of trust (...hot). And some interesting gaps for Edward if he was ever a first mate under Hornigold or anyone else. Or is this just him fucking with Frenchie because he knows "Trust is king. And queen. Trust is everything" is bullshit? Go, repression boy, go. Who am I talking about? Both. Both is good.

And then of course we get:

"Did you think I wouldn't know the smell of my rotting former First Mate?"

Knows him by the smell of blood and infection. By the avoidant look in his crew's eye. By the fact he doesn't know Izzy is dead. Their relationship is rot and ruin by his own hand but he would NEVER assume Izzy's dead until he knows.

"He was your friend," Jim spits in Edward's face.

Edward wakes up Izzy and even delirious, literal seconds after realizing he's down a leg, Izzy knows what Edward wants the moment he flips the gun. And he wants nothing to do with it.

He knows he can't. Won't. No matter how much Edward openly wants him to pull the trigger. (Edward knows him well enough to doubt, too. It's real convenient that his final staging has Izzy looking at the back of his head. No chance of his face giving anything away.)

Izzy's absolutely brutal in his assessment, trying to give some hurt back, but he's not wrong:

"Ohhhh. Oh, are you scared, Eddie? Too scared to do it yourself, eh? Go on, clean up your own fucking mess. I'm not doing it, I've been doing it all my fucking life. Fuck off."

All his fucking life.

I have to wonder... is this a conversation they've had before? Echoes of one? Izzy has a tactic here - dismissal. Refuse to play along with Edward's melodrama. Treat "I dreamt that you killed me" as though he's throwing a snit like a toddler. "Good for you" could have sounded like a question egging him on, but it comes out flat. A sarcastic sneer. Edward has always thought he'd go out with more of a bang. Loves a good fuckery. In his Purgatory he desperately wants Hornigold to recognize how unique and over the top his mutiny was. Not like those ordinary mutinies. Even his imagined death is being pitched over the highest bluff tied to a rock???

Izzy knows Edward is serious or he wouldn't be so fraught and sobbing as he laughs, but his words don't treat him as serious. Maybe a bit of derision has been effective at ruining the fantasy before? Suicide of a great leader is just so banal, you know? Quit daydreaming and pull off an impossible fix.

(Maybe "Fuck off" normally doesn't end the conversation, but starts the real one?)

Also "Eddie". First off of Izzy's lips at his cruelest, then Hornigold's. We heard it in S1 right before Edward committed to becoming the Kraken. At the time I thought he was bristling at the disrespect - "Eddie" is not "just Edward" - but maybe Frenchie stepped on a bigger landmine than we thought. Edward is so particular about names, and Izzy knows all the rules best, doesn't he?

Either way... This time the conversation ends with Edward leaving. "Farewell, old chum," he says without turning around. And when he hears the gunshot, he's not surprised.

Edward knows Izzy, too. Knows that the farewell may count as "closure" but Izzy is only going to take the ending one way. Izzy lifting the gun to his temple was the inevitable result of leaving that room. It takes seconds. Edward is still rising out of the stairwell when it happens.

We can't talk about knowing without touching on Purgatory, where Edward goes to know himself.

Lots of interesting stuff about Edward modeling his toxic spiral off of Hornigold as the fucked up example from his past. Probably where he picked up a lot of his piracy philosophy too. But the really juicy bit related to Izzy is the spectre of Hornigold confronting him about killing his dad and Edward's instinctive:

"I've never told anyone about that."

Hornigold calls him out for telling Stede, but it seems pretty likely that Stede is the only one he's ever had the conversation with.

However.

I still think Izzy knows. Hornigold even tells us how:

"A grown man covered in tattoos? Eh? With daddy issues?"

Edward didn't tell Izzy, and Izzy didn't ask for confirmation. But Edward will tell a whole crew of strangers about "the Kraken" killing his dad to win best ghost story. And that his dad was a dick. Izzy, who Edward loves and trusts and "outsources the big job" to, would not have much trouble connecting the dots between any version of that story / troubled childhood anecdotes / Edward's issues with killing / Edward's daddy issues.

I sincerely doubt "killed your abusive old man" is even an uncommon pirate backstory.

Izzy does know Edward - at his best and worst and everything in between. Knows him better than anyone. Suspects with certainty his darkest secret.

Izzy knows Edward, and Edward knows Izzy, and that's why everything fundamentally quakes for Edward in this self-destructive rampage when Izzy breaks their unspoken rule and tells him that he loves him.

---

Who LOVES You?

Jumping back to the (first!) literal, actual love confession we got, let's talk phrasing. Because yeah there's love there, but at the moment there's also a lot of other stuff.

"I have... love for you, Edward."

This is such a passive way of confessing, and there's the long pause as Izzy forces it out. People have attributed it to repression, or feeling ashamed of his love for Edward, or just not wanting to push it on him. I think "love" isn't a word they use out loud, so saying it is hard, but I also think Izzy's being passive because at the moment it does just feel like he "has" love. He doesn't want to actively feel it or offer it up right now, not with the complicated knot of anger and hurt and, tbh, probably some of his own depression. He "has" love because, despite everything, he still loves Edward.

And he does, is the thing! The whole goddamn reason Izzy is here, still trying to be a support for Edward is because he loves him. Literally anybody else would have left by now, or killed Edward, considering he's actively trying to push Izzy to the breaking point. And even at said point, when Izzy's finally standing up for himself, he offers Edward another chance to realize he's loved.

Edward starts dismissing him the moment he says the l-word, but Izzy continues:

"I'm worried about you - we all are. The atmosphere on this ship is completely poisoned. But if we could all just, maybe... talk it through?"

Izzy knows what's wrong and while he didn't originally think Stede was that important to Edward, he's put it together by now. And he's a huge fan of trying to talk through their problems, tries it multiple times even in the peak communication failure / stress powderkeg of S1, so of course he tries one last time to get Edward to accept he's not alone.

Instead, he accidentally invokes the ghost of Stede Bonnet and reminds Edward why he's doing all of this in the first place. Reminds him that he is unlovable while having the audacity to confess to loving him.

So Edward makes a big show of going out on deck, shoots Izzy in the leg, and tells Frenchie to get rid of him.

Frenchie doesn't, naturally.

And when Edward finds the crew saving the man who he just shot for daring to love him - because of course they are, he's their dick now - well... "He was your friend," Jim spits in his face, having just been thinking about their best friend (who they are more than a little bit in love with 👀).

How long do we think Edward stands there, looking at what he's wrought? How long does he sit at Izzy's bedside, looking at him "rather still" while he weighs if the missing leg proves his point where the toes didn't?

And you know Izzy's love is so bone deep and rooted in that it's unconditional by this point, because Edward did NOT prove his fucking point. Nothing he's done so far is enough to get the man who loves him to pull the fucking trigger. Down 3 toes and then a leg, asking first thing whether Edward was there for the other one, and STILL. STILL IZZY IS HEARTBROKEN AT THE REALIZATION THAT EDWARD IS READY TO END IT FOR REAL.

Still he won't pull the trigger himself. Not on Edward, at least.

And only after Izzy is gone can Edward return the words.

"I loved you. Best I could."

*screaming crying tearing at the walls*

He loved him.

HE LOVED HIM.

Edward's perspective of his relationships is fundamentally warped. Alongside his self-image. Probably has been for most of his life, going back to the self-hatred he ties to killing his dad. Stede leaving hurt him immensely (and predictably, Stede) in ways Stede will have to own up to, but it was Edward's own unaddressed issues - independent of Stede AND Izzy - that determined the appropriate response to that hurt was "realize that vulnerability and hope are lies and every dark voice in the back of your mind ever was telling the truth, actually."

Edward's conviction that nobody loves him and that he's not capable of successfully loving someone back is literally his depression talking. It is not rationally based in the reality of his life or relationships, Stede or otherwise. He may even have successfully beat back the sentiment for most of his life, with that getting harder and harder as time went on.

(He's expressed this kind of depressive-episode-driven warped view before, btw, and they explicitly parallel it in Purgatory just for me! The flashbacks of the bathtub scene while he attacks the spectre of Hornigold are my huge W in that episode. "It all boils down to this - you're afraid you're unlovable", said by the actual manifestation of Edward's suicidal self-hatred in Purgatory, is the new "That's why I don't have any friends." I think it's fair to question if he was a reliable narrator of his experiences back then, too. Jim and the crew certainly think he had at least one friend.)

Basically, "Best I could" now can mean a lot of things before. Young Izzy and Edward could have been much healthier than they are at present. Probably were, to be honest. It wasn't enough to save them from going sour, but it could explain why they've stuck together so long even as it has.

Izzy loves Edward. Edward loves Izzy.

LOVE LOSES. BUT LOVE WINS 😭😭😭

---

Kraken Era = Murder-Suicide, but Edward Wants to be the Murdered One

So, uh... *scrambling for notes* Where am I going with this? Fuck, I'm not even writing it linearly... OK!

Izzy KNOWS Edward - knows him going back ages, has seen his darkest and weakest moments - and even after 3 toes and a stress breakdown he still LOVES him enough to say it out loud (which I doubt these guys do, uh, ever). Which really throws a wrench in Edward's "Stede realized I'm inherently toxic and unlovable" theory, and prompts him to redouble his "prove to Izzy he doesn't love me" efforts by casually shooting him.

Afterward, he finally makes his passive suicidal intents explicit when talking (practically sobbing, in truth) to Frenchie:

"Never going back to land. We're gonna sail, rob, raise hell forever and ever, without end."

He's set on it, now. Izzy's potential last act was to finally rip down the illusion, give name to the hurt Edward had been running from since he first put on his Kraken makeup. So he pushes his little wedding toppers out the window, cleans himself up, and goes out to wave every single red flag imaginable for poor Frenchie's locked box.

Except it wasn't Izzy's last act, now was it?

But that's fine for Edward. That actually works better. He wants the hopeless situation to end, but he doesn't want to pull the trigger himself or he would have done it by now. After everything, surely Izzy should be ready to murder-suicide him??? He can't still love him, not after Edward so effectively proved he's exactly as toxic as his self-loathing depressive episodes say he is. It's poetic.

Edward underestimates Izzy. Knows him with his head, but the depression makes him underestimate his heart.

Edward doesn't get a bullet through the head, be hears the gun go off and - well - that's one way to spin "not even Izzy loves me any more" into a true statement.

Edward wants to live slightly more than he wants everything to end. It's the only reason he's alive. Before Izzy said Stede's name he was floating high on denial like that bird who never lands, keeping his depression and his destruction as a blast radius more than a dagger. He was lurching in the direction of dying by combat or by crew mutiny or by simple self-destructive behaviors, but he avoided thinking about anything long enough to have intent.

After Izzy's desperate attempt to intervene, Edward can't hide from his own reasoning anymore. Or his hurt. Or his self-enforced hopelessness. And with that comes aims. He has his rough night and then starts the massive red flag upswing. Cleans up. Gets ready for the big finale. He pushes Izzy with the "closure" conversation, trying to find a pressure point that will get him killed to close off the narrative with a artful bow.

Murder-suicide sounds like a fix to his problems, but he still wants to live slightly more. He still can't turn the gun on himself. He aims to be the murdered one.

After Izzy is gone, though, by Edward's own actions? That's the last straw he needs to commit in full. Thanking Frenchie? Just another final goodbye to get his affairs in order. "Take the day off, brother. Go live." The moment Izzy dies they all become dead men walking.

Thank FUCK that Edward a) still would prefer it if they snapped and murdered him / something out of his control killed him (he still wants to live), and b) still wants to die dramatically. A different man would have walked right back to his cabin and not missed.

Sidebar to appreciate the breakup boat crew some more because I love them:

Fang: "So... do we think he's better?" Jim: "Fuck no!"

Edward is ready to be the murderer with his cannon pointed at the mast, but he stalls on damning the whole crew to a watery grave (r.i.p. half of them), gives Izzy time to wake up and drag himself out to protect said crew, and then finally gets what he's been after.

Edward's motivations are already perfectly clear, but just to really hammer it in - he thinks he just drove a man he loved to suicide, and then he demands the couple he found kissing fight to the death with the reasoning:

"All love dies, I'm just hastening the process."

Jim literally just learned last season that was bullshit, my guy. It makes sense they are the one who finally puts a stop to him.

(Except the cannonball doesn't hit. There's no head wound. And Edward is alive when they take him back to the secret room, laying him out respectfully instead of letting the waves take him too. They don't even know if they'll survive. They certainly don't have anywhere to take the body, or a working ship to get there. Maybe they didn't notice because they didn't want to notice.)

(AND EDWARD STILL WANTS TO LIVE)

Both Izzy and Edward try to die. Both of them do - maybe, in the bottom of their hearts - want to live just a tiny bit more. They shoot each other. They say OUT LOUD they love each other (though Edward I swear to fuck you better say that to Izzy's face ohmygod). They are on this journey together.

BOTH OF THEM LIVE. AND NOW THEY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT.

(I feel like I wanted to add stuff about Stede & Izzy meeting again but like. I don't even know. Izzy doesn't even know. Is he protecting the crew? Deflecting? Edward's dignity (-ish)? Stede's good opinion of Edward? Dealing with his own massively fucked headspace? Ask me again on Friday. Fuck.)

My fucked up guys are in toxic fucked up LOVE!!!

#this is a monster and i can't trim or streamline it because i have TOO MANY FEELS and they are going to give me MORE #so if you find anything that jumps off topic or repeats itself or trips over itself that's part of the emotional throughline ok #tbh this is just my mass braindump to preserve the in the moment feelings and ideas #so i can string them together with whole season context later #also just an absolute MESS of links #our flag means death #blackhands #edizzy #blackbeard ofmd #izzy hands ofmd #ofmd s2 #ofmd s2 spoilers #ofmd meta #parallels #edward teach #izzy hands #WE WON! LOVE LOSES! LOVE WINS! #ladyluscinia #breakup boat #tw suicide

[thedelusionreaderbitch]

Kaz Brekker x male! Reader - Infinite

A/n: I think I kinda trauma dumped onto this fic a little so whoops-

Request (by anon): Hii! I found your blog not long ago and I LOVE YOUR WRITING AHHHH 🫶🫶

I was wondering if you could write a gn or male shadow summoner!reader x Kaz Brekker where they're Darklings kid but ran away due to him being a bad father. The reader lived in Ketterdam for quite some time now and met Kaz in his early days there. They trust eachother and know alot about other but reader hides who his father is. then one day reader has a worse day remembering all the good – and bad – memories with The Darkling and in The Small Palace and is overwhelmed, so he helps reader and that's how he finds out about why they ran away and all, but Kaz understands and doesn't push the reader away and it just brings them closer??

Sort of a hurt/comfort. If you won't write it that's fine, I'd just really wanna see you do this! (￣ω￣)

Warnings: child abuse, trauma (10X but not in the way you think), the darkling, death, canon? we don't know her, there is a bit of inej slander but it's a trauma reponse and gets fixed later on in the fic, I think that's it? You have been warned!

The 3 P's:

[pov: 3rd person] [pronouns used: he/him] [pairings: (past! parental!) darkling x reader, (romantic!) kaz x reader, (platonic! mentioned!) kaz x inej]

Finite.

That's what would happen, if he did something wrong, or truly let him in. Kaz could only see so deep into him before he would stop him, send him away or make it seem like everything was okay.

His shaking hands gripped the sink as tears ran down his face.

How could he do that to him? How could Kaz chose Inej, over himself when he knew, he knew that he was a shadow summoner, that if he was found out he would be killed, or worse. Taken back to the little palace.

He couldn't, he can't, he-

He would never go back.

But Kaz had made him go back, on a job, to get that stupid sun summoner, then he chose Inej over him, by asking if she was okay. He never asked, he never looked, he just had to make sure that his little Wraith was alive. His greatest investment.

A scream tore through his throat and shadows were ripped from him as the cut went around the room.

How could he. He was a fool, he trusted him, why couldn't he-

Why couldn't he just care?

Though, he doesn't care for him, he tells himself over and over again, he doesn't care for Kaz Brekker, not when they were children and certainly not now. He can't care, because love can't be given that easily, he has to work for it and he has certainly not worked, or given Kaz enough.

His love would always be restricted.

The sound of a cane coming into contact with the broken in floor boards made him laugh, it was a mean sound, it was cruel and broken but so right.

He sounded like him.

That didn't matter, just like how Kaz was nothing.

A hand was placed beside his, and his breath caught in his throat, he couldn't do this, because as soon as this was over Kaz wouldn't even look his way. He wouldn't ask if he was okay, he wouldn't ask how he was holding up, he wouldn't be of value to him.

Abruptly he pulled away and crossed his arms over his chest, his shadows dancing in the distance, mocking him. Another reminder of what he cannot escape.

"I shouldn't have brought you on that job."

Something in him snaps at those words, no he never wanted to go, but he was enough- no he deserved to go and get that money. He didn't need Kaz to tell him things he couldn't change, he needed Kaz to tell him things he could. Like his love wasn't limited, please say it isn't.

It is though, isn't it? All things have limits.

Scoffing, he turns around to face him and he's not prepared for the emotion, the boy with the cane presents him with.

Sorrow, incredible sorrow.

Has he seen how he's been spiraling? Is all he truly feels is pity?

He doesn't want Kaz's pity, he didn't when he handpicked him off the streets only weeks after Jordie had died. He doesn't need any more pity, he got lots of it from certain members of the little palace, from Baghra.

"Leave me alone Kaz. I don't want to talk to you."

His words are a juxtaposition to what he's really feeling, it's the irony in it all. The greatest joke of all time, because he does want Kaz to talk to him, and he doesn't want Kaz to leave him alone. To leave him, to find someone better, someone more worth his time.

"No." Kaz speaks softly. "I saw how you reacted when you saw the darkling that day, I knew that you were a shadow summoner and I was a fool to think that man could be a good father."

He blinks at Brekker, once, twice, three times, before everything releases.

Oh.

The shadows in the distance stop dancing, as his shoulders fall down, so do his shadows. They stop dancing, then they fall, only to be left with the occasionally swirl now that his emotions aren't everywhere at once. Now that he understands Kaz's intentions, now that he's slowly realizing Kaz understands him.

"The darkling isn't my biological father." Is where he starts, and simultaneously's pauses to see if he would stop him. Walk out at the mere mention of his sob story. He doesn't.

"But my parents left me the moment they found out I was a shadow summoner, then he took me."

He squeezed his eyes shut, he didn't remember much about his biological parents, but he remembers his mother's smile, and his father's hands. Often he wonders what would have happened if they had stayed, if they would have loved a monster child enough so he could love them back. Enough so he wouldn't become one later, or that one would never find him. The world isn't fair though, and it is made up of monsters. He just so happened to be raised by one, and perhaps even became one.

It's feasibly disturbing that he doesn't back away and retch at the thought.

"I don't know if he wasn't ever not, bad, if he was I don't remember him as such. He only treated me cruelly, as a-"

Mirror to himself.

Was that all he was? A mirror to the terrible black heretic? A mirror to the monster who killed, to try and make things better? Was he destined to become him?

Then, a hand without the familiar leather clasps that enclosed them, brush against his face and his eyes shot open.

It's Kaz, it's always been Kaz.

"You are not their mistake, you are not him." He whispers in his ear. "You valued and safe."

He doesn't know if he'll ever be able to tell Kaz the true extent of everything the black heretic put him through, if he'll ever even tell him why he's like this. So dependent, but pushing away the moment they connect.

But he knows he can't be a reflection of the darkling, because he would still be at the little palace then. He would still be training with that man he used to call his father, he would have not run away to meet his faithful one in Ketterdam.

They were both broken, and bruised, and hurt beyond what anyone could ever comprehend. For now though, they have each other, and he has to remind himself that it makes it all worth it. That it's enough.

Kaz lets his hand slide but he understands, he always will.

Kaz may ask his Wraith if she's okay because she's a valuable investment, his friend. However Kaz will come back to him after, and they'll be the one brushing hands, skin to skin. Kaz will be the one to show him his inside, without his armor, and he'll desperately try to do the same.

Love can come easy, people can be redeemed if the person who's forgiving them so wishes it. He's done terrible things under the command of a man he called his father, things he can never take back. Lives he can never get back.

His father would get no redemption, but he would make sure that shadow summoners would, that he would not be just a reflection of his father.

He does that by staying in Ketterdam, staying with Kaz.

"Thank you." He murmurs back to the bastard.

Kaz just gives him the barest of smiles. "Always."

Love isn't finite, love is infinite.

Words 1236

-thedelusionreaderbitch

Grishaverse taglist: @kaqua @rika90 @thefandomplace @musical-theatre-obsessed-dumbass @gallysonegoodlung @navs-bhat @sumsebien @dontjudgeabookbythecover @brekker-zenik @alohastitch0626 @brekkers-desigirl @emmsamultifan06

#kaz brekker x reader #shadow summoner #the darkling #the darkling x reader #grishaverse #grisha #soc #six of crows #six of crows x reader #x reader #male! reader #kaz brekker x male! reader #shadow and bone #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #jesper fahey #nina zenik #matthias helvar #wylan van eck #delusion writes #sab #sab netflix #shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bone netflix #soc x reader #six of crows netflix #kaz #kazzle dazzle #the wraith #inej supremacy

[i-like-words]

Checking In (MTaP)

Dusting off this ancient account to post a bit of the My Time At Portia Arlo/Builder!self ficlets that have been absolutely dumping out of me lately. seriously it's just been like. non stop writing for two weeks straight, this video game man has done unspeakable things to my brain and I love it

some lore and context: Adri was discovered frozen within a massive ruin, thawed out, reawoken after a stupid amount of years and whoops - turns out they have Trauma™ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ luckily our favorite good guy redheaded captain takes it upon himself to keep them out of trouble :)

this particular bit takes place like a week after Adri is introduced as the new Builder - they go MIA, leading Arlo and Merlin to swing by the old workshop

(As an aside, my Builder!self is non-binary. By this point no one within the canon knows this, so characters will refer to them with she/her while the narrative uses they/them, just to assuage any confusion or cw people beforehand of misgendering - it's intentional but temporary)

ANYWAY

cw for swearing and aforementioned misgendering

Arlo stepped through the gate and looked around. The yard had become quite overgrown and the workbench was strewn with stray leaves. It looked as though none of the equipment there had even been touched. There was no sign of Adri. Merlin peered over the scene and began jotting down notes.

Approaching the door to the little shack, Arlo noticed the lights were off.

"Do you suppose Adri is out for the day?" he asked.

"Mm, unlikely," Merlin replied, not looking up from her notebook. "Considering no one has really seen nor heard from her since the fireside chat. Not even the farm girl or her grandmother across the way."

Slowly, Arlo reached out and rapped on the wooden door with his knuckles. "Hello?" he called out.

Silence.

He knocked again.

"Anyone home? It's Arlo, from the Civil Corp. I'm here with Director Merlin from the Research Center. I'm sure you remember us from... before."

More silence.

"Uhh, listen. Mayor Gale asked us to check in on you, since no one has really, er, seen or heard from you in a handful of days. You... um, don't have to open the door, but give us a sign that you're alive...?"

"Though opening the door would be the preferable option," Merlin interjected.

Still no answer. Arlo chewed his lip. He wondered if maybe Adri was simply sleeping... understandable that someone who'd been reawakened after being frozen for a few hundred years would probably want to nap off that whole ordeal. But, still, as the one put in charge--self-appointed, yes, but in charge--of making sure Adri was safely acclimating to life in Portia, Arlo hoped that his first check-in with the new Builder wouldn't end with him breaking down the door.

Before he could contemplate that scenario further, said door suddenly parted, ever so slightly, from the door frame; Adri's pale face was barely visible through the open crack. Dark eyes glowered at Arlo, then at Merlin.

"There. I'm alive. Now go away," they said flatly, and with that, the door was shut once more.

Arlo stood there awkwardly, startled, but relieved he wouldn't, in fact, have to resort to property damage. At least not today. "Oh. Ah, that's... good. Um. I... we were hoping to maybe speak with you, see if there was perhaps anything you might need...?"

"What I need is for you to leave me alone," came the muffled, yet terse reply from behind the closed door. Merlin scribbled into her notebook.

"Hmm. Specimen... displaying... antisocial tendencies..."

"You're not helping," Arlo sighed to Merlin, before addressing the door again. "Uh, can we at least ask you a few questions?"

Silence.

"I promise once we're done we'll both leave you be. You have my word."

Silence.

"Do these so-called 'wellness visits' of yours always go this poorly?" Merlin asked, shouldering Arlo aside. She then knocked on the door. And hard. "Ms. Adri, while I understand you're going through a rather difficult period of adjustment, this an important matter, and neither myself nor Mr. Arnold will be vacating the premises until we can speak with you face-to-face."

Silence.

"You were saying?" asked Arlo pointedly, moving himself back in front of the door.

Merlin folded her arms indignantly. "Hmph..."

"Um... sorry about that, Adri," Arlo continued. "Just ignore what she said. Anyway, we're glad to see that you're, in fact, not dead, and it's, uh... pretty clear that you're not exactly in the mood to be social right now, which is totally fine, so we'll... just come back later."

He was about to turn to leave, when the door reopened and swung out slowly with a long creak. Adri stood there in the turnstile, squinting against the sunlight. Their clothes were disheveled, their shoulder-length hair was a tangled mess, and they had dark bags under their eyes. They looked like they hadn't gotten any sleep in days.

The Builder looked between the researcher and the Captain with intense disdain, then turned away and trudged into the dark, unlit void of the house. Merlin followed, notebook in hand. Tentatively, Arlo stepped over the threshold, closing the door behind him.

There wasn't much to the little ramshackle house--four walls, a roof, and a modest wooden bed topped with moth-eaten sheets sat in the corner, nestled beneath a cracked window. The floor groaned under Arlo's boots, and he noticed some floorboards were missing. What little belongings Adri had had been unceremoniously dumped around; even the Builder's clothes that were given to them as a welcoming gift were laying in a crumpled heap at the foot of the bed.

Adri slumped onto the edge of the mattress, crossing their arms over their chest, shoulders hunched as if they were trying to fold into themselves.

"Make this quick," they muttered. Their gaze fell into middle distance, and their expression was blank, unfeeling.

Merlin looked up from her notes. "Yes, well," she began, leafing through some pages. "I'll be asking you a series of questions, you answer as honestly and as thoroughly as you can. Don't spare any details, even if you think they aren't important."

"Okay."

"All right... How are you feeling?"

"Terrible." The answer came out before the question had bothered to finish being asked.

Merlin blinked in mild surprise. "Erm, can you... perhaps be a little more specific? Try to refrain from single-word answers."

At this, Adri's head--and eyes--lolled back, and they heaved an irritated sigh. "Oh, my god, fine--I'm 'fucking terrible'. Is that better?"

Merlin did not look amused. She clicked her tongue. "Right. Moving on, then... Have you been experiencing any unusual physical or mental phenomena? Any short-term memory loss, disassociation, or particularly strange dreams or visions?"

"Oh, yeah... I've definitely been having strange visions lately."

Merlin perked up at this. "Have you? Can you describe these visions?"

"Let's see: some blue-haired bozo in dumb glasses shows up and asks me a bunch of stupid ass questions," Adri replied in a flat monotone, their expression unchanging. "I'm having one right now, in fact."

It took a great deal of effort from Arlo to stifle a chuckle. He was always so used to Merlin being the dry and sarcastic one; it was kind of a nice change of pace watching her get a taste of her own medicine. He could see the researcher's jaw jut forward angrily as she wrote something into her notebook before snapping it shut.

"Ms. Adri," she said, the patience dropping from her voice. She removed her goggles and eyed her interviewee as a parent does when lecturing an unruly child. "I am trying to help you. The very least you could do is take this seriously."

"'Help'...?"

In an instant, Adri's cold, indifferent expression changed. Their eyebrows shot up, disappearing into a thick curtain of dark hair. Merlin and Arlo both were taken aback as they suddenly began laughing--a short, bitter bark of a laugh.

"You're trying to 'help' me?" they sneered, rising from the bed and slowly walking forward. Their fists were clenched so hard they were trembling. "Just like you fucking 'helped' me by dragging my half-dead body back into consciousness, in a completely foreign world, separating me from everything I've ever known and loved by HUNDREDS OF YEARS!? THAT kind of 'help'...?!"

Adri was stopped short by a long arm extending in front of them, shielding Merlin, and they glared daggers up at its owner.

"That's enough," Arlo said, his thick brows furrowed. "I don't want to use force on you, but I will if I have to." Beyond his outstretched arm, Merlin was bracing herself behind her notebook and was staring at Adri with fear and anger in her eyes. Adri scowled.

"Tch. Unbelievable... Treated like a damned experiment and I'm expected to be grateful," they mumbled, looking away. Arlo caught a glimpse of a tear sliding down their face, glinting in the dim light of the window. They crawled back onto the bed and curled up into a ball, facing away from their visitors. "Just leave me alone already."

Arlo sighed, running a hand through his tousled red hair. He looked to Merlin. "We should probably go," he said, quietly. Merlin opened her mouth to interject, but, to Arlo's great relief, decided against it.

"...Very well."

They both turned to leave and Arlo opened the door to allow Merlin through. She strode outside, making a beeline for the front gate without another word, no doubt mentally cursing to herself for having to go back to the Research Center strapped for new data. Once she was far enough away, Arlo looked over his shoulder at the small, vulnerable figure laying there, alone, in the dark. Guilt tugged at the inside of his chest.

Adri heard the front door close with a soft click. A brief pause, and then:

"I know she isn't the best at dealing with people, but you mustn't blame Merlin," Arlo said quietly, his gaze fixed on the wood grain of the door. "It wasn't her idea to bring you back. It was mine."

Silence.

"I was the one who found you in the ice," he explained. "And I was the one who insisted that we help you. If you resent me for that, then that's okay. I accept that. You're well within your right to be angry, and... if you're going to be angry at anyone, you can be angry at me."

More silence. Arlo placed his hand on the door's handle. Just as he opened his mouth to apologize for the trouble and make his leave, he was cut off by the nearly inaudible--but unmistakable--sound of sniffling.

"Why did you have to bring me back...?" Adri whimpered, their voice thick and cracking. "Why didn't you just leave me there...?"

Arlo froze. The statement hung heavily like a yoke on his shoulders, pinning him to the spot. He turned and looked over at Adri helplessly as their body shuddered with silent sobs, unsure of what to do. He wanted so badly to comfort them, but he didn't know if he could... or if he even should. Shit. He knew today's visit probably wouldn't go smoothly, but... he had not been prepared for this.

"I... I felt like I had to," he said, crestfallen. Hesitantly, he walked over and sat at the foot of the bed, allowing as much space between himself and Adri as he could manage. "But... I am sorry. Hate me all you want, but please know that I only ever wanted to give you a chance."

"I never asked for your help," Adri mumbled into their pillow. "I never asked for any of this."

"I know." Arlo rubbed at the back of his neck as his gaze fell to the dusty wooden floor.

Another sniffle. "But... I don't hate you."

Arlo looked up again.

"You don't...?" he asked gently, mild surprise in his voice.

"No," Adri responded, heaving a shaky sigh. "I don't even hate that blue-haired bozo, or really, anybody here. I understand why you went out of your way to help me, but I was probably better off being frozen..."

"What makes you say that?"

"Under any other circumstances I'd be happy to have a second chance," Adri said, wiping tears away from their eyes. "I can't even say that my old life was super fucking great anyway, but... it was mine. Knowing that everything that made my life what it was is just... gone, it--" They trailed off, their voice wavering before letting out another sob.

Arlo said nothing, and he sat there, solemnly, as Adri grieved. After a few minutes, they went quiet again.

"Sorry..." they said, sniffling.

"What for...?"

"For making everyone worry, I guess..." Adri rolled over and sat upright. Their eyes were puffy and red, and their cheeks and nose were shiny with tears and mucus. "After Gale introduced me during the meeting thing, everyone was just so... nice. It was a lot. I didn't know how to deal with that, so I've just been holing up in here all week and feeling sorry for myself... I'm sure they all must think I'm an asshole."

"You're not an arsehole; you're going through a lot," said Arlo. "More than anyone in town could possibly know or even imagine. Yes, Gale is a bit of a worrywort, that's just how he is, but I doubt he's expecting you to seamlessly integrate into society overnight."

"Maybe... but he sure seems to believe that I can just pick up a hammer and magically become a Builder..."

Ah, yes. That. Gale had suggested, in the interest of keeping their origins a secret, that Adri be introduced to the townsfolk as a new Builder to avoid any unnecessary panic or conflict. If word of the truth got out, it could spell all sorts of trouble, not just for Adri, but for Portia, perhaps even for all of the Free Cities. 

"I understand that it's probably a lot to ask of you, especially when you're already dealing with so much," Arlo said. "But, unfortunately, it's a necessary evil, to keep you safe. At least for now."

Adri sighed, running a hand through their long curls. "I know, I know... I'm just having a hard time understanding why you're going through the trouble of doing all of... this in the first place." They gestured vaguely around at the house. "What do you get out of protecting me?"

Arlo blinked, looking visibly confused. "What... do you mean...?"

Adri gave him an incredulous look. "Seriously...? C'mon, man. There are obviously people out there who'd stand to benefit a great deal by me being here, whether, like, academically or monetarily or whatever. ...So what's stopping you from just handing me over to some science lab? Or the government? Why even concern yourselves at all with what happens to me? What am I to you?"

They folded their arms over their knees and looked sullenly out the cracked pane of the window. The cynicism in their voice had left Arlo stunned. He stared, his expression wavering between shock and disbelief before it finally settled on pity.

"You're someone who deserves to live," he said, his voice saddened. "Even if you... believe otherwise." 

Adri sighed again, heavily, their gaze still fixed out the window. Silhouetted by the light outside, their face appeared even more tired and weary than before.

"I'm just some random idiot you found in the ice," they mumbled into their knees, hugging them tighter. "You can tell Gale I'll play along with the Builder shit eventually. Right now, I... just want to be left alone."

Arlo nodded; he knew a hint when he heard one. "Okay," he said, patiently, standing up from the bed, and he turned to leave. Boots thudded across the creaky floor, stopping just before Arlo reached the doorway. He looked over his shoulder.

"Would you... be all right with me coming back tomorrow? To check in on you?" he asked cautiously. "If you'd rather I not, then I understand."

Adri quietly considered this for a moment.

"Yeah... okay."

The Captain gave a confirmatory nod. "I'll see you tomorrow, then," he said, gripping the door's handle. After a beat, he added, "and, uh, I'll make sure not to let the blue-haired bozo tag along this time."

At this, the faintest of smirks flashed across Adri's face as they let out an amused chuff, the closest thing to a genuine laugh Arlo had yet heard from them--and he was more than happy with that. He smiled, said goodbye, and left.

He went to sleep that night feeling... strangely optimistic.

#my time at portia #mtap #mtap arlo #mtap merlin #arlo x builder #nb!Builder #builder!self #arlo x adri #arlo x nb!Builder #arlo x builder!self #self ship #some angst #fluff on the bottom #selfshipping #fictional other #italics abuse #ellipses abuse #cw swearing #cw misgendering

[tsuki-sennin]

"ppl who celebrate character birthdays are annoying pass it on"

FUCK this post, and Happy Birthday Neon Kurama~! ...right, so you know it's all gonna go horribly wrong, but she's our friend! We support her!

Spoilers, I guess...

-What a massive L the Jyamato have taken.

-Garden Grandpa has become Construction Grandpa!

-OOOOOOOH

-Oh hey Daichi. Just sorta hangin' around, huh?

-I don't blame you tbh, I'd be sitting on my ass too.

-April 4th! That's two days from now!

-:)

-Happy Basuday~!

-...:(

-They kidnapped the poor girl on her birthday.

-"What do you even get the Celebrity 'It' Girl who has everything? ...aside from loving parents, treatment like a normal human being, a boyfriend who isn't over twice her age, and a break from creepy weirdos on the internet?"

-...three, five, and seven, huh?

-Keiwa's just totally numb to all of Ace's... Ace-iness.

-Toro, toro!

-It's a Toreador! Just like the ones referenced in that indie horror game from 2014! Octodad: Dadliest Catch!

-...is this just the Seito/Touto proxy battle arena from Build? I think it is, at least, I'm probably wrong.

-Beroba continues to Bull-y Michinaga for her entertainment.

-Fight!

-I swear, by my sword and capote, that I will once again prove victorious!

-Bullfight!

-Rook! Bishop! Buffa! All the most powerful chess pieces!

-Shut the fuck up Chirami, you ain't doing shit.

-"Happy Birthday :)"

-Na-Go Stans are wildin'

-We win, we party!

-Hot damn, Keiwa!

-Oooooh, disarming yourself for a shot? Clever.

-Oh, whoops! Bero be cheatin', who coulda guessed!

-"You cheated. You didn't learn, you didn't improve."

-Oh God, Beroba's gonna leak her DMs.

-Gotta win!

-Oh hello, Kyuun.

-"A present! For me~?"

-"No! >:( ...Maybe :("

-You're so full of crap, man.

-Free Boost~!

-Sweet and salty! Just like sea-salt ice cream!

-Word of advice lads, be honest.

-OH FUCK, IT'S DAD

-...I think I forgot his name, I'm just gonna call him Papa Naoto until I remember it.

-You're only like... marginally better a parent than your wife, man. And that's only because you don't hit her or constantly try restraining her.

-...man, I just realized, Neon suffers trauma from being kidnapped at a young age and her mother just... holds her captive. Irony at its most fucked up.

-To be quite honest, I don't think Kyuun'd be much better company than Jeff Pesos or whoever Izumi had in mind.

-Man, these supporter plotlines are so interesting, holy shit.

-Ah, yep. There's Ace. Looking into it.

-"Geats. How unexpected."

-...Waaaait...

-"I've had quite enough of family matters from last season, thank you very much."

-KOUSEI, THAT'S HIS NAME

-Ace, you don't just walk up to a girl and lay her backstory out like that.

-I'll give Kousei credit, he at least seems legitimately worried.

-Doesn't even seem to have a scratch on her. Seems a little at odds with the depiction of the kidnapping itself, huh?

-Man... Can't even cake.

-Time for the mountain lion to descend upon the bull.

-...shit, that was lame. Pretend you never noticed that.

-OH?

-Okay, it's Ace time!

-Beroba's such a scrublord. Or uh... scrublady, as the case may be.

-Ooooooh, boy!

-Set!

-Dual On! Ninja! Magnum!

-Ready, Fight!

-Get splashed, idiot!

-"Two, huh?"

-Set!

-Ooooooh, he's not going into Laser Boost, okay!

-That's neat! They kept that suit around!

-PNGTuber Beroba.

-Ohhhhhh noooo

-You're an absolutely horrendous excuse of human being, Beroba.

-Great job Takahashi, banger villain. Especially you Namika-san, you're putting in a fantastic performance <3

-Ohhh, Ace is MAD mad.

-Everybody loves Na-Go-san!

-...holy shit, that is so cruel. They just

-Instantly went on a targeted harassment campaign.

-AKARI?

-Ohhhh

-...that's

-That's depressing as fuck.

-...that goes a long way to explain why Izumi was so controlling and Kousei dumped all his money into... I'm gonna be completely honest, what's basically a snuff film ring.

-Why would he let Giroli pick Neon to play then?

-"She was lying" SHUT THE FUCK UP

-Completely ruined my homegirl's life.

-Fucking MURDER that thing, Ace.

-Oh shit, Kyuun! My dude!

-Next episode.

-#NaGoSweep!

#kamen rider geats #kamen rider #kr geats #geats #geats spoilers #the world's next round: trick shot of desire for the grand victory

[adventuringblind]

Don’t apologize for the trauma dump!! It’s your blog, you choose what to put here. If ppl don’t like it, they can block you or just keep scrolling

That said. I just got home from work. And I saw the ghoul max fic.

I fucking Love it. Im processing and I’m bad at feedback without having the thing in front of me, but I love everything (Landooscar has my heart lmao I can remember Oscar covering Landos mouth and being like “did you just lick me? You really thought it would change your position rn?”)

Soft max and max standing up to jos will never fail to make me grin like a maniac.

Yeah I thought it was actually the badger emoji because of f1 and Danny “Honey badger” Ric and then I went back to check and oh look it’s a fucking motorcycle. Whoops 😅 (sorry again 🏍️)

-🦒

Landoscar brain rot is best. I love them. Might do some ghoulverse for them as well 👀… don’t have any ideas for that but we’ll get there!

I’m super excited about this fic I’ve been writing for OP and Carlos. The fic itself is for Oscar but I personally find dark Carlos really hot and I’m an indecisive person.

Also have a few other fics and a new chapter for drowning beneath your weight I’ve got going on.

Can we just - I need to rant about how my head has been stuck on max/Oscar/Lando as a pairing?? They just work really well together in my head and I need it? It’s something I want to explore because I can but i need someone to jump start my imagination T_T

(This is a sign! Add fuel to my fire! FEED MY IMAGINATION PLEASE I BEG)

#Ren’s.inbox #🦒.anon

[mynameisnotsoda]

My Whoop SMP live summary/reaction

I was really high when I wrote this while watching the VOD I write SOO weirdly 💔💔

But I really like this smp so I wanna dump this here I REALLY hope it's not gonna end up like origins,, or free trial,, or origins,,, plus I could actually keep on track unlike with QSMP which has gone on so long I don't even want to try and catch up bc autism says it's too much 💪💪 anyway enough yapping it's under the cut

In order of how it happened!!!

-schlatt constantly reading out his gifters

-tommy asking Tubbo to live together in the most dismissive way possible even though Tubbo could tell what he was really asking

-tommy finding a raccoon then it immediately dying, giving him trauma, and him having to talk to Tubbo about it who also witnessed it

-november 9th ??? Tommy was drunk ??? Tubbo forgave him?? Tf happened

-schlatt is the ONLY duck seller in town and he will shoot any duck that isn't in his property

-becky and tommy desperately tell schlatt they didn't see any ducks around

-tubbo telling Tommy to shut the fuck up after playing with the glockenspiel he made for himself

-charlie finally arrives !!! And he has a song for tommy and it's just him saying “Tommyinnit” to the tune of hot cross buns

-charlie keeps calling Tommy Tungo ???

-tommy shows Charlie this funny image of a doctor center thing that specializes in whoop and Charlie starts going ballistic

-WHOOP WHOOP THATS THE SOUND OF THE POLICE WHOOP WHOOP

-tommy is starting a pharmacy and said something about medical malpractice??? (OMG IS THAT A DR MALPRACTICE REFERENCE??!?!!1!??!?1?!)

-tommy claims his store cures EVERYTHING

-jack agrees to be Tommy's business partner as they're throwing out names of magical items saying they'll cure everything

-jack pulls out a rope from the chest and loudly exclaims “WHAT DOES A ROPE DO??” while Tommy stays dead silent as if the answers obvious and Jack still doesn't get it

-jack and Tommy are working on the pharmacy and Tommy tells Jack how much he has to restrain himself from “blowing his brains out”

-”we have to do this on undisputed land before governments begin, I know how this kind of thing goes” KILLING MYSELF

-TOMMY FUCKED A BIRD ??????? (ALLEGEDLY NOT CANON)

-tubbo started making machines

-tommy stealing beckys herbs while Jack distracts her by doing backflips and screaming in agony

-tommy visits Schlatt and the ducks are everywhere, Schlatt begs for Tommy's help

-schlatt exclaims that he “feels weird” and starts doing backflips

-tommy helps Schlatt round up all the ducks

-they name the place Duck City

-tommy says he heard that it was Charlie and Tubbo from the grapevine

-”hey remember L'manburg wasn't that funny?” “Yeah it was nice 🥲 it had less ducks 🫤”

-tommy died in the ocean and almost lost all his stuff. But he got it back and there was a whale, he's terrified of whales

-tommy finds his way back to everyone else, tubbo says hes sick, Tommy goes through the list of things he can cure Tubbo of and he says “just one”

-chunky chunky.

-tommy tries so desperately to make the aether portal (while someone plays megalovania on the glockenspiel??)

-tubbo pushed Tommy out of heaven (aether)

-tommy tried pushing Tubbo off and he exploded

-charlie dapped up Tommy in the aether and he fell

-tubbo started a fight with Tommy and lost L BOZO

-tubbo tried killing Tommy and lost AGAIN and then TRIED AGAIN and then Tommy ended stream LMAO 😭😭

#whoop smp #is it actually even gonna be called that or #tommyinnit #jack manifold #jschlatt #beckyamon #tubbo #slimecicle #IS THE FUCKINF DREAM SMP CANON????? #the dsmp references are making me so ill

[cyhaino]

Mass Effect Romance Opinions

Kaiden | he’s ok I like him just fine he usually dies in my playthrough though because my youngest sister is named Ashley and I feel weird letting someone with her name die does it make sense no but who cares I’m playing

Liara | You’d think I would love an alien archeologist and for the most part I do but when I’m not actively romancing her I find her a bit too much and I get annoyed in me3 with her whole planet being taken and her attitude about it as if Earth wasn’t the first planet taken

Ashley | I don’t romance her because of the name reason but I do like her. Also she was right about the council seeing humans as dogs.

Miranda | again I should like her but honestly prefer friendship over a romance just let her be with her sister

Tali | honestly see her as more of a a sister

Jack | love her, one of the few characters who actually has character growth but I’m still salty over not being able to romance her as female Shepard

Jacob | If you ignore the weird flirtatious tone when you go to talk to him, you’ll find he’s not that bad. He’s supposed to be the level headed character and he is for the most part. He does suffer from bad writing though and it’s pretty obvious too. Still I do like the me2 romance so I go through the pain but I do still get annoyed in me3

Garrus | nice voice but that’s it and I do like the tango dance in the dlc but honestly most of the time it felt like I was yelling at him. When I was younger he was my favorite but now that I’m older some of the stuff he says and does doesn’t sit right with me.

Thane | never romanced him because personally I would never ask someone out after they trauma-dumped like what the hell was up with that option??? Still I understand the appeal because hello??? Assassin???A distant dad who still wants the best for his son??? And he’s dying??? Why do I find all of this hot what does this say about me

Kelly | No

Samara | love her I want to marry her she deserves so much probably written by a man because hello we could have just adopted children why put her through that misfortune

Morinth | I love her mom

Steve | this man lost his husband fairly recently so no

Samantha | <3 favorite romance shes gay I’m gay what more do I need to say

Diana | she’s there I guess???

Javik | y’all say Garrus has a nice but nah Javik’s voice is way better I wish he was an actual romance option. Is he perfect? No but I doubt any of us would be in his situation. 10/10 would still bang

James | yes but no because I would have loved having him as an actual romance option but what bioware gave us was shit!!! Like what the hell!!! Thank god for fanfiction because what the hell!!!

Avela | I didn’t even know she was a romance option whoops

Cora | this woman screams lesbian romancing her as male Ryder feels weird

Gil | I hate his best friend

Liam | oh I love him he was the first romance I did his little wave his flips! And his loyalty mission is one of the best ones to do so much fun and ahhhh when he takes you out on Eos for that date!!!! I love Liam

Suvi | she’s cute but eh that’s it

Peebee | one of the more fleshed out romances in my opinion however romancing her as male ryder feels weird and I think it’s better to romance her as female ryder.

Jaal | yeah I’m a Jaal girlie my ao3 history will attest to that. He tried so hard to come across as cool and mysterious but he’s just a bisexual disaster like me and ahhh the forehead touch!!! And of course his voice???

Vetra | you give me hot turian girlfriend and I give you all my money. Also she’s an eldest daughter and as an eldest daughter myself, yeah I’m gonna gravitate towards her. Her romance feels really short though

Reyes | bioware made sure he wasn’t a full romance option because they wouldn’t be able to handle two bisexual Latinos

#about me #DO NOT TAKE THESE SO SERIOSULY #THEY ARE MY OPINIONS!!! #also I wrote this at 2am

[2bloved]

Oh boy time to dump ideas again mwah hah hah

DISABLED and the Jigglypuff from Purin are friends. Now, why would they be friends when DISABLED would clearly hate Jiggly for being able to Sing? It's simple; Jiggly can put DISABLED into dreams via their Sing, so DISABLED can Sing, at least inside their dreams.

And my new headcanon from Purin is that Jiggly just,, attached to Pico. Like, Jiggly wants Pico to take care of them, and wants to be able to torment Pico (Jiggly also finds tormenting Pico extra fun because they can tap into his trauma). Pico absolutely HATES Jiggly, but can't do anything about it bc whenever he tries to hurt them, they just put Pico into a nightmare right before the attack hits. So basically, Pico goes to stab Jiggly, but to him Jiggly's stomach tears itself open to reveal a hole so the knife goes through. From there Jiggly torments Pico for awhile before killing him in the nightmare, making him wake up with scars from how he was killed. Ex; bite marks if he was bitten to death, etc. So Pico's just forced to take care of this thing, while avoiding friends because he doesn't want Jiggly to go after them.

I can also imagine DISABLED sneaking Jiggly and Pico into the pasta bar one night and they get to meet Grey and Shinto. Grey and Pico immediately bond bc they're both being tormented and are forced to take care of their respective monster haha

Pico teaches Grey how to swear and accidentally gives them an alcohol addiction (bc Pico has one in my headcanon) whoops-

Anyway I'll stop, I don't want to give you too much to read, that'd just be rude. See you later probably when I get more ideas! - 🐞

Crying so damn hard ladybug anon you have the biggest brain on this website because DISABLED and purin besties moment is yhe sweetest thing I've ever heard roday

#derek.txt #fave #also L for pico though poor mans #i was gonna say skill issue for him but i feel like pico would ingrain the phrase 'skill issue' into greys #vocabuluary permanantly

[silentxxsoul]

The ‘please let Maddie have a no traumatic storyline after tonight pls I beg you take her and Chim and Jee to Disney’ reaction dump:

When I was setting this up I almost accidentally posted it and man would y’all have been hella confused 😂

For real though can we stop trauma dumping on that poor woman? Let her breatheeeeee

I want a Buckley-Han family vacation 😤

Also my fantasy football team was ass and I lost so incredibly poorly that I don’t even need to subject myself to another week of the broncos 😷

Charlotte what are you doing stay hidden they’re literally trying to break in!!!!

Also dispatcher Josh is baaaaack. Still got my eye on you tho 🤨 don’t think I forgot about Claudette and May

HER PELVIS ?????????

BROOOOOO NO

Detective Buckley with his drill lmao

a fucking raccoon of all things

JEEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!

SAYING BYE BYE 🥺🥺🥺

Nah I'm convinced she's got them bugged

LISTEN TO LINDA SHE KNOWS BEST

Athena's allergic to Hoover, isn't she ahahahaaha

PETTITION FOR BUCKLEY-DIAZ FAMILY PET PLS

PLS FOX I NEED THIS

THEY ALSO NEED THIS

BUT MOSTLY ME

Sue ♥♥♥

Robert Nash!! I know you didn't just use Denny to get Hen to take that dog lmao

He looked far too happy to say "yes it is!"

Is this how she finds out about the dog because that's going to be pretty funny ngl

Oh actually this is a hell of a lot funnier

Karen's going to be calling Bobby again, isn't she lmao

I really hope this isn't Noah - like, it would be a little lazy to reuse the 'new guy' angle but also its too blatantly obvious that they want us to think it's him.

OOOOh.

Wait.

What if--whatttt if it's the guy from the fire? The IT fella ?? idk how he'd get Maddie's info but maybe he chose one at random?

Maybe? No?? Definitely no.

I just don't want it to be Noah :(

Oh hell no--you're a nanny not marie kondo and you as sure as shit aren't ordering me around my own house

The man was too stunned to speak

Well he's for sure in on it

Dude she's putting on a clinic and I love it, guilting the fuck outta him

Its a little late bud

This is shitty all the way around

I hate it :((((((((((((((

Like I see why, but still makes me hella sad for him

Hen is a blanket hog I see

Oh hoover lmao nooooooooooooo

YES

YES DIAZ FAMILY DOG

YES

WE NEVER LOSE

ACTUALLY WE DO LMAOOOOOOO

The noise complaint hahaaaa

Hen rocking it I love it ahhhhh

low key they owe us a damn Diaz family dog

I AM FEASTING ON THIS HENREN CONTENT GIMME MORE

ALSO STAN A SUPPORTIVE EDDIE WHO WILL HYPE YOU UP

AND STAN A SENTIMENTAL BFF OUT OF CHIM

AND CRY A LITTLE WITH A SAD SETIMENTAL BUCK

also, yes that's all in caps but I was typing and watching and didn't realize that I'd hit caps whoops

She's not going to go through with it, is she? Between looking a little torn and next week having to save Karen and Denny -- I think she's going to play the what-if game, like what if she wasn't there to save them?

Also, feed me all the fucking Dad!Chimney content

BROOOOOOO GIVE ME A SPOILER ALERT FOR THAT 🥵

It should be illegal to look that good in sunglasses

I'm biting my gd nails over next week I'm ready but I'm not ready

NO I CANNOT HANDLE

NO

MOTHER FUCKER NO

CANNOT

WILL NOT

SURVIVE

FOX

I SWEAR TO GOD

I WILL POST UP

IN FRONT OF YOUR STUDIO

#911 spoilers #911 fox spoilers #911 fox #petition for a diaz family dog #petition for a buckley han family vacation #petition for buck to move into the diaz house so he can also have a dog #WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT PREVIEW #I CANNOT #HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WAIT ????

[ladyluscinia]

Organizing my thoughts on OFMD 2x01 - 2x03

Strong start to a season. I really enjoy the black comedy aspect of the show, and the "all these people are kinda terrible" aspect, so win for me! The opening scene gave me a lot of thoughts. Actually, lots of stuff gave me thoughts that I'm gonna dump here (as I rewatch the episodes since I spent the first go around whooping and cheering more than paying attention to details lol) so I can start picking through them more coherently.

---

Ok, first. OHMYGOD EDWARD AND IZZ- *I am yanked off the stage* Ahem. BlackHands thoughts will go into a different post, so as not to overwhelm the many other things going on worth discussing. (Link to post)

So. Real first point:

Kraken Era

Big thing I was absolutely wrong about was how dark Edward's Kraken arc would go. I was counting on a very handwavy resolution that would still let him do some fucked up shit, but I expected it to be mostly externally directed violence that toed up to a potential line but didn't quite cross it. Reminiscent of Flint's vengeance rampage after Miranda is killed. Self-destructive harm but only tangential harm of others in your social sphere.

That is... we did not get that. But what we did get I am very here for.

I'll be honest - I wasn't sure they were bold enough in a romcom to blast right over the line into horrifying and then be so audacious it looped back to funny, but they did. And I think the tone is working for them so far. Big saving grace is they went way further with Edward's cruelty but they counterbalanced it by going way further with the suicidal themes, which made the whole situation more extreme and sympathetic. He should still probably apologize tho.

The Breakup Boat

Frenchie my beloved! Also Fang & Jim & Archie & Izzy! Literally the breakup boat is a resounding success all around and I adore every second of their fucked up trauma bonding. Win after win after win.

Frenchie is repression king and it's hilarious. I love how he gets named first mate for presumably being the only one who sounds plausibly honest when getting interrogated, tries to turn the job down, and then doesn't follow a single order while vibing. Also the bonding with Izzy?!? He's steps in during the intervention. He hides him after Edward shoots him, and then later he's checking in on him and leaning against his leg in the cell. Please Frenchie get all up in that Edward and Izzy mess!

And I'm trying not to turn this into a breakup boat recap but also Fang sobbing through basically every scene. The wooden boy story. Jim's terrible voices. Izzy hiding in the walls. "He's our dick" to "He was your friend" holy fuckkkkkk. And the whole mutiny scene was amazing. Jim saying fuck this toxic bullshit and Izzy saving them all!!! (Sidenote: love how all the nameless extras got washed overboard in the storm. More bodycount!)

The tearing into a seagull like zombies scene - perfect. Archie recognizing Stede (did they tell her about Stede in hushed whispers or was it literally just Izzy's singular statement?). All backing each other up on the "retirement" story. Izzy taking the blame to motivate Stede in trying to defend the crew again.

Trauma bonding WIN!

Also sympathetic Izzy has been real forever despite misreads of S1 and the mistaken predictions they spawned, but once again... Izzy!!!

BlackBonnet "On A Break"

They are idealizing each other so fucking hard. Also Stede what on earth are you talking about in the first episode??? "He's just blowing off some steam." "I'm afraid that your life is better without me?" MY GUY are you reading that list of what Edward has been up to??? Denial so strong.

So we have Stede still full of self-loathing and simultaneously convinced Ed couldn't want him but also avoiding the realization that he hurt him really bad because Ed wanted him. And we have Edward actively suicidal over feeling unlovable and determined to murder-suicide his situationship and the kids, except he can't kill himself so he's trying to make everyone else do it.

(And, you know, Edward is very pointedly refusing to see how the people around him would care for and support him if he would let them - even when they straight up offer it to his face - because he is more concerned with the misery of his own twisted narrative about being fundamentally unlovable than whether or not that is a true statement. Stede doesn't want him and everyone else is just a prop for his depression's final act. Very "I don't have any friends" of him - shoutout to that flashback in his purgatory sequence too.)

Edward's self-loathing throwing him into the water, but Edward starting to save himself well before merman!Stede shows up. Because he does, deep down, want to live with or without Stede. Very strong. Like that. Also the idealization on Edward's end of envisioning Stede as a legit magical being of golden scales??? Fuck, you two need to get some perspective.

Stede's Crew

Trauma Lucius I was not counting on, but Lucius going from BlackBonnet supporter to FUCK YOU STEDE was fun. Also Stede offering to be supportive and then immediately trying to nope right out.

Sea Witch Buttons!!!!!! We're going to get naked Buttons charging into a scene screaming about how he's a seagull or something, aren't we?

Confirmation that Oluwande can't read in the funniest way. Well I guess on reflection the scrolls are probably in Chinese so reading wouldn't help, so maybe this point is null.

I did like the note of Stede knowing "The Soul Reaper's" real name. Piracy hyperfixation bonus.

JimOlu vs JimArchie... If we get another poly ship then I'm calling SteddyHands real. I'm just saying.

Oluwande taking initiative to step up and flex his boytoy powers to advocate diplomatically for the crew - very Captain material of him. Also conveniently doubled as a distraction so he was essential to the plan. Go Olu!

Antagonists New and Old!

Spanish Jackie was a treat. I enjoy that she still hates Stede. The Swede literally became a new man by marrying her. AND WE SAW THE HUSBANDS!

Prince Ricky is so far just kind of a shady classist scumbag - presumably that's going somewhere.

Zheng Yi Sao on the other hand... interested what's happening with this whole armada plan she's apparently enacting. The whole Olu boytoy arc was fun. I'm not as into the whole "girlboss" approach to every single female character in this show so far, so, uh, concerned about that. Hoping for more exploration of how she's doing Stede's version of piracy but what exactly is off about it? Because so far there's no real reason to resist her, other than maybe the whole "I didn't conquer China by listening to pirates ramble about their feelings" bit.

Hornigold. Yeah, I know he was a subconscious manifestation of Edward's self-loathing but I still have hope. "Last time I saw you, you said you were gonna flay my skin and feed it back to me." Does that not sound like a great foreshadowing for S3???

#our flag means death #ofmd s2 spoilers #ofmd s2 #breakup boat #frenchie ofmd #zheng yi sao ofmd #ofmd 2x01 #ofmd 2x02 #ofmd 2x03 #ladyluscinia

[cosmicsmoothie]

haha whoops its past 10 pm so im turning all sappy again

man it really would be nice to do one big long trauma dump ✨lore post✨ because i think its important that i am able to talk about my story and it definitely does have a lot to do with my art journey. however i also dont feel like doing a vent-post style post of any kind is a good idea. all i know is that i want to tell it somewhere. now that its finally over.

if i try to write it into a short story i just know im gonna both dance around it with depersonalized metaphorical garbage and change the truth to fit whatever "chapter format" i will inevitably latch onto.

i know i like to bond with people and see how they became who they are, but honestly tumblr isn't the place for that kind of sharing from me, at least not right now. we'll see in a few years, maybe.

#smoothie's ramblings

[baekhvuns]

That El Clasico.... I didn't watch it and I'm glad. Benzema saved our asses again, sigh...

Yep it kinda makes sense for older players to go the easier way, lots of money, not so many wins ajhdhsishusshusgeshw cause let's face it, what are they going to achieve in non-European clubs 😬Lmao when Kaka the church boy divorced?!

I don't have my football cards anymore, unless they're at my grandparents house 👀

Wow, Argentina really went full in, huh? Masterminds, Cristiano destroyed. Zidane is only 50 and already a granddaddy, it's so weird 😭

Harry is clearly traumatised which I understand, however there's no need to trauma dump on the whole world and reveal TMI??? Perhaps you're right, maybe the Diana x Sausage Fingers marriage wouldn't go downhill (at least not in that way) if they had a daughter

Okay SuJu members need to attend the Wrestlemania, I hope that LSM is going to be a contestant as well 🔫 yes EXO makes the most sense. It's tricky since they're in their military era, but hopefully once Baek comes back they'll get some more schedules together, because the group deserves better :/ I was afraid SM would ditch Shinee or do things in a half-assed way, but so far I'm pretty content with the pro-military content (they suck at promos, but it's not just Shinee)

The webtoon is gonna kill me, who knew a little high school romance is going to be the death of me?! I'm still team black hair Eunhyuk, but Dohwa is fun, if he was the lead in a different work I'd be 100% into him! But alas...... it's unclear whether he has any romantic intentions, but it's highly likely. Spoiler: they both took photobooth photos with the FL (individually) and last chapter ended with both of them staring at the photos fondly, while FL pinned both on her wall 😭

Alright but THIS man too 😍

So the kid is Sonnaught's 💀 but Tasir was crowned as the Royal Consort 👑 so I'd say he's winning, got the title, got no child to look after <3

Yep, obviously Draco's spoilt ass deserved some whooping, cause kid was delulu, however the pressure his father and Voldy put on him?! And the scene when Harry uses the torture spell on him, I cried in the cinema 💀 Narcissa was an icon!

A CHAT NOIR HWA FIC 😳 do not tease me!!!

Jude is a great actor, I can't believe he played Dumbledore AND the Pope too 😭 him in The Holiday <3 but also in Talented Mr Ripley he looked like a European actor from the 70s-80s

Atinys can't decide whether Ateez members have positions or not, it's so annoying

Park Seonghwa literally serving a whole ass photoshoot at the fan sign, at this point maybe fansites should hire him for a shoot 😭 the masked photos 😳

I wanted the cool patterns to be visible, so I didn't get the 🐍 coloured. The work is so detailed, spend quite a lot of time on them, plus the red ink hurt a bit more, but it was worth it. Okay you dislike snakes, but serpent Seonghwa...

Okay if it was a small spider then it's fine, especially since they deserved it!

Ponytail Mingiiiiiiiiiii that was an experience for sure. Please why is Hwa so endearing, everything he does is so cute especially when he's being clueless 🥰 Absolutely, Seonghwa needs to write, songs, poems, fiction, an instruction manual idc

Oh Pique thinks he did something... clown worthy behaviour. A whole ass witch mannequin, what kind of timeline is this 😭😭😭😭 Pique's a mama's boy in the worst possible way, yikes, they both can fuck off

Guess some people notice the serial fan callers, but they don't care cause they provide cute videos 🙃 Awww so much SeongSang moment.

If he worked at my cafe I'd be on caffeine and sugar rush 24/7

I'm sure Mark has a lot of girlfriends and boyfriends he just doesn't know 😭

😌 he - DV 💖

hello!!

That El Clasico.... I didn't watch it and I'm glad. Benzema saved our asses again, sigh... //// Yep it kinda makes sense for older players to go the easier way, lots of money, not so many wins ajhdhsishusshusgeshw cause let's face it, what are they going to achieve in non-European clubs 😬Lmao when Kaka the church boy divorced?!

everyone maybe afraid of rm, but rm’s afraid of barca 🤚🏻HUMILIATING I TELL U idk what went wrong with the team, they had beasts yet it felt bland,, barca’s youngest were playing like THAT in front of modric???? benzema??? kroos??? VINI??? bro wasn’t even ALIVE,, waiting for a psg v alnassr friendly that’s about to be anything but friendly and i have no hope for the teams bc they all did wack <3 DID U SEE THE ALNASSR RIVAL CLUB OFFERING 350$ MILLION TO MESSI???? WHAT TYPE OF WEALTH IS HAPPENING THERE??? the ultimate religious church boy’s divorce <3 i thought he was against it bfdbbddb

I don't have my football cards anymore, unless they're at my grandparents house 👀 /// Wow, Argentina really went full in, huh? Masterminds, Cristiano destroyed. Zidane is only 50 and already a granddaddy, it's so weird 😭

on my way actually, gimme all the iconic ones <3 argentina used ronaldo’s weakness and it worked! ITS SO WEIRD IT IS !!!! and the way it’s a girlie in a house of 6 boys??? better be rotten spoiled 🔫 imagine having the privilege of saying zidane’s my grandfather 😭😭😭

Harry is clearly traumatised which I understand, however there's no need to trauma dump on the whole world and reveal TMI??? Perhaps you're right, maybe the Diana x Sausage Fingers marriage wouldn't go downhill (at least not in that way) if they had a daughter

yeah! it’s the dismissal of not agreeing you’re traumatized and then monetizing on the very thing that seemingly made you traumatized and then saying you’ve got another book ready 😭😭😭 the diana tmi was too much for me,, did not want to picture her in that way,,, SAUSAGE FINGERS BRKQHDKWHDKSHDLWJCLWUDOWNCMSKH UR RIGHT 😭😭😭😭

Okay SuJu members need to attend the Wrestlemania, I hope that LSM is going to be a contestant as well 🔫 yes EXO makes the most sense. It's tricky since they're in their military era, but hopefully once Baek comes back they'll get some more schedules together, because the group deserves better :/ I was afraid SM would ditch Shinee or do things in a half-assed way, but so far I'm pretty content with the pro-military content (they suck at promos, but it's not just Shinee)

lsm fighting a suju member, waiting for this <3 it’s confirmed they are making a cb after baek comes back! it’s said to be around spring! BAEK IS BACK IN A MONTH, ANON WE ARE OUT OF THE DROUGHT ITS HAPPENING !!!!! BAEK COMIMG AND NEXT IS TAEMIN !!!!!! lots of solo stuff too! exo idoling would bring back kpop i tell u, but if it’s that noise music id cry,,,, shinee world tour also!!! i think onew and key confirmed AND KEY REPACKAGE ALBUM !!!!! sm really sucks at promos, if they promoted their group OUTSIDE of asia rightly we would’ve seen a kpop break thru quite quickly!

The webtoon is gonna kill me, who knew a little high school romance is going to be the death of me?! I'm still team black hair Eunhyuk, but Dohwa is fun, if he was the lead in a different work I'd be 100% into him! But alas...... it's unclear whether he has any romantic intentions, but it's highly likely. Spoiler: they both took photobooth photos with the FL (individually) and last chapter ended with both of them staring at the photos fondly, while FL pinned both on her wall 😭 //// Alright but THIS man too 😍

THE BREAKDOWN U HAVE EVERY TIME I SEE U TALK ABOUT THAT WEBTOON IS HILARIOUS DBWNDBSN the way u turn into a detective wondering about his intentions 😭😭😭😭 ON THE WALL???? HE DID THE WALL??? BFQMDBMWFBKWJCKCJCK WEAK ON THE KNEES !!!!!! FELL IN MY WALMART !!!! im gonna start reading this webtoon 🔫 THAT IS SEONGHWA FROM UR FRIENDS DREAM THAT IS HIM

So the kid is Sonnaught's 💀 but Tasir was crowned as the Royal Consort 👑 so I'd say he's winning, got the title, got no child to look after <3 //// Yep, obviously Draco's spoilt ass deserved some whooping, cause kid was delulu, however the pressure his father and Voldy put on him?! And the scene when Harry uses the torture spell on him, I cried in the cinema 💀 Narcissa was an icon!

did sonnaught’s red hair gene kick in- TASIR HAD IT EASY

STOP WHEN HARRY WALKED IN SAYING “I KNOW WHAT U DID” WHILE DRACO WAS AT HIS PEAK ANGST HAVING A BREAKDOWN, THE CRY I CREWED 😭😭😭😭 half blood prince, i wanted to physically jump in the movie and protect him,,,,,, the way he acted 🤌🏻😮‍💨 SHE REALLY WAS !!!!! so nice too 😭 the only one who was actually nice to draco

A CHAT NOIR HWA FIC 😳 do not tease me!!! /// Jude is a great actor, I can't believe he played Dumbledore AND the Pope too 😭 him in The Holiday <3 but also in Talented Mr Ripley he looked like a European actor from the 70s-80s

superhero hwa fic, on the way 🫡 the diversity of this man is so good, his projects that he chooses too!!! in mr riply, that man omg, he was like if alain delon went young again 🤚🏻

Atinys can't decide whether Ateez members have positions or not, it's so annoying //// Park Seonghwa literally serving a whole ass photoshoot at the fan sign, at this point maybe fansites should hire him for a shoot 😭 the masked photos 😳

atiny’s can’t decide anything, esp the twt ones 😭😭😭😭 they should be the last ones to decide anything bc it will always be unhinged,,, WAIT UR ONTO SOMETHING FANSITES ASKING HIM FOR A SHOOT 👀👀👀 need a pshbar so they can professionally shoot photos for him 🤚🏻 need him in a white button up, sleeves rolled up, buttons unbuttoned (first 4), in a italian summer, on a boat, with raybans one??? a must. need gucci to hire him. or me. i will make it happen.

I wanted the cool patterns to be visible, so I didn't get the 🐍 coloured. The work is so detailed, spend quite a lot of time on them, plus the red ink hurt a bit more, but it was worth it. Okay you dislike snakes, but serpent Seonghwa... /// Okay if it was a small spider then it's fine, especially since they deserved it!

AHHHHH omg but anon ur so cool for that !!!! 🫡 but did not know red ink hurted differently! i wouldn’t say i dislike them but i just get body chills whenever i see their skin, it’s so leathery and slimey and mAKES ME CRINGE but serpent hwa 😯😯

Ponytail Mingiiiiiiiiiii that was an experience for sure. Please why is Hwa so endearing, everything he does is so cute especially when he's being clueless 🥰 Absolutely, Seonghwa needs to write, songs, poems, fiction, an instruction manual idc

ponytail mingi was out of hand and if he pulls that at concerts again, i am officially resigning from life <33 seonghwa, everytime, how can someone be so endearing 24/7 😭😭😭 he can right hello and id buy it ONLY IF THE SHIPPING ISNT OVER 100$

Oh Pique thinks he did something... clown worthy behaviour. A whole ass witch mannequin, what kind of timeline is this 😭😭😭😭 Pique's a mama's boy in the worst possible way, yikes, they both can fuck off /// Guess some people notice the serial fan callers, but they don't care cause they provide cute videos 🙃 Awww so much SeongSang moment.

HE KEEPS TAKING AN L AND ITS SO EMBARRASSING BC HE ACTUALLY THINKS HES DONE SOMETHING RIGHT 😭😭😭 omf ur right, pique’s the ultimate mama’s boy in the most sickly but shakira a whole detective, found out he was cheating thru a jam??? ur right, if that many ppl do it, imagine the amount of ppl we have no idea about 😭😭

If he worked at my cafe I'd be on caffeine and sugar rush 24/7 //// I'm sure Mark has a lot of girlfriends and boyfriends he just doesn't know 😭 //// 😌 he - DV 💖

FBWMFBWMJCKCJ SUDDENLY WILL BECOME A COFFEE LIKER 😭😭😭 see anon he knows u haven’t read model hwa again, or given him the chance, he’s back at it again b-but what about him it’s me, im mark’s gf actually 🥰🥰

AND THIS 😭😭😭

it should be illegal to have gifs this clear

i also want to ask since i recently stumbled upon a few podcasts and stories about this, when u mentioned u went to varanasi, did u perhaps see or sense the immense spiritual ness about that place? bc i believe there’s an insane amount of people there who worship the death, did u perhaps have any experience seeing something like that? like something strange or a shift in vibes bc there’s just so much religious stuff there?

#✉️ : ask #dv 💖 anon

[dzpenumbra]

12/6/22

Big day. Drove down to the old house to do a final sweep to sort trash and bring a final load of stuff back up. It took a long-ass time, but it's finally done. I'm officially moved in. Not even close to unpacked, but officially moved in! My place looks like a bomb went off, stuff all over the floor, 90% of it still in boxes, but I'm here. Yay!

The drive was fucked from the get-go. I tried to take the trash out, had no idea where to put it, put it in a blue bin in the trash room because they told me they only have recycling on the second floor and I'm on the first so... I just... assumed it was for trash? Whoops if not. Then I went to get gas. My card didn't work. Not the tap shit, not the chip reader. Ugh. Prepaid, got a Monster, hopped on the highway and called my Mom to figure out logistics on some home supply stuff she was gonna get. She was going to get me a chair and desk for my computer and stuff, really sweet of her. Especially since I've been sitting on a side table with a meditation cushion on it for the past like 4 days and my back is getting really fucked. She had to go real quick, and my distracted ass missed my exit. I had to take the next one and backtrack.

When I got situated, we got back into the conversation and had a really good meandering talk. Sorted out the chair/desk shopping. I shared with her my reconnection with the possibility that I have unmanaged ADHD (along with the PTSD and all the other shit) and that it might explain a LOT. And that I was diagnosed with it like 18+ years ago. And she told me a story of when I was in 5th or 6th grade and she tried to homeschool me and she could NOT get me to sit still in the chair. That I actually had been doing poorly in school because of this. I don't remember it at all, but she told me. She said it was like my chair had an "ejector seat" and she could not get me to just sit still. Unless it was world history, or mythology, or art. Then I'd just sink into it and be there for hours. And I told her I'm still like that, even with the same subjects!

I'm not sure what difference having even an official up-to-date diagnosis with this would do for me, I don't know how I feel about medications, I don't know. But at very least, as I explained to my mom, it could be a good way to relate to others that my brain is not really like theirs, and things that are easy and possibly even gratifying for them can be extremely difficult and not even remotely rewarding for me. But, again... impostor syndrome pops its head out of the murky depths... "You've been misdiagnosed before, remember?" "I don't know, sometimes you feel gratification when you get all the dishes done, right?" "You sure?" "You sure you're not faking it?" "You sure you're not just making excuses so you can get away with living in a messy dump and have your life go to shit because you're constantly overwhelmed with no one wanting to help you because you're just 'being lazy'?" That fucker can take a hike tonight, I'm getting tired of it.

I've had this diagnosis since I was like 16. Back then, there was a distinction between ADD and ADHD, but now they're the same thing. Inattentive ADD is now ADHD with Inattentive presentation. I've had that diagnosis for like 20 years, and I always just went... "well that's gotta be bullshit, I know people with ADHD and they are like constantly bouncing off the walls and are really loud and shit. I obviously don't have it." I think I'm cool with going with it for now and at least having a conversation about it with my social worker dude when I get to it. But it's not like an urgent thing to address, the acute trauma and adjusting to my new environment are kinda priorities. But like... it's been at the front of my brain 1) to bring me peace of mind that I'm not a lazy piece of shit that gets overwhelmed by basic everyday shit for no reason, 2) I'm starting to socialize more... and --- okay, this is dumb, but like... I feel like I need to warn people about how different I am than them, like right upfront. Like every fucking time I face a new person I feel compelled to give them the full AA introduction "Hi, I'm ______, I'm 36, I have PTSD and ADHD, I'm an artist. If I start weirding you out that's why." Does anyone else even obsess over this shit?!

Fuck it, here's a snapshot of my night. So I'll spare the bulky details of digging through decades of memory scraps that I salvaged from my old place. When I got home, moved all the shit in, parked the car and came back... I went a new way, through a different door. When I was --- kitty was exploring a cabinet and I went to set it up for her --- so when I was coming back through the hallways exhausted as shit, like dragging my ass through the hallway, last trip, laptop bag on my back, reusable grocery bag in one hand, wicker basket of food in the other. Like... I have no awareness of how I'm perceived by others sometimes, I must've looked like... like a packmule on his last legs or something. This attractive woman passed me. I saw her heading to the elevator as I was heading out, but didn't like... see her. She was very beautiful. And she looked at me and smiled and said "Hi." I think she was doing laundry. And I like... locked eyes, and kinda mouthed "hi" barely even audibly and half smiled but my mind was like... miles away. And 30 seconds later, I was in my door and... I was just kicking myself. Like this chick lives probably just a few doors down from me. "Hey, are you doing laundry? I'm just finishing moving in, I'm really new here, could you like... show me where the laundry room is?" Talk about an ice-breaker...

Ladies and gents, here's what my brain does with that prompt, ready for it? "Look, she probably has a boyfriend, okay? She's attractive and likely in her mid-30's like you, that's like... guaranteed she has a boyfriend. So... how would you feel if your girlfriend was showing some guy around the apartment building who was like, kinda hitting on her?" I shit you not. That was my conclusion. So... I think this whole "broadcast my disorders upfront" shit is like... a way for me to like... get 'permission' from people to just be myself and say the things I want to say without having to be all paranoid like that. This is like, the more I listen to myself talk about this it's like... who the fuck cares! Oh my god, I stress out so much about what other people think. Check this out, part of my brain talking about her "boyfriend". That's her shit to worry about, not mine. If she says "I have a boyfriend", I would immediately respect that. That's just like... "duh" for me. Like what kind of a prick wouldn't. So... and this is something my social worker brought to my attention that I clearly have to keep working on, I keep on taking on the worries and concerns and responsibilities of others. "What if I'm not understood, I should apologize and prepare people ahead of time just in case." Yo, that's their responsibility. If they get confused or misunderstand, it's their responsibility to seek clarification. If anyone that isn't a brain like mine is reading this and is going "well duh...", imagine living a life of 3.5 decades where the narrative I'm describing is just common sense status quo. How exhausting it would be. How neurotic it would make you.

Waking up to this kinda stuff is very similar to a moment I had watching the Your Mom's House Podcast over the pandemic. I don't watch anymore because some of their humor was upsetting me a lot, but... they talked in one episode about how Kristina would just put on clothes without drying herself off out of the shower for ages and ages. It was just... what she was of the understanding is what you're supposed to do, and was never corrected. And they mentioned people who don't dry their feet before stepping on the bathmat, and went "oh god, I hate people like that, so disrespectful to others". Well, I was one of those people. I thought that's what bathmats were for. And I have a lot of foot fungus problems, so I don't want to spread the infection by drying my feet with the same towel as the rest of my body, and having two towels is just like... come on. But like... waking up to that whole like "oh shit, that's not normal and others don't like that and no one even told me". Those moments. Those are hard ones. So if you're going to bring something like that up with someone, please do try to be gentle. Please treat it like telling someone they have spinach in their teeth, and express that you're doing it out of caring and that it's okay. I guess I'm saying, be gentle. And compassionate.

And I'm like that with taking on other people's problems, concerns, judgements, all that shit. Compulsively. Which makes social media hell. I'm working on it, and I'm getting better. There's really no practicing it, it kinda just needs to be done in the field. And this journal is a big part of my practice with it. Trying to not apologize for being my true, authentic thought-stream. Trying to not neurotically apologize and warn people before-hand, as though they're wandering into a minefield. "Be careful, this guy is weird!" I'm learning how to be okay being me, and to actually use that as a good litmus test for the people I want to be around and the ones I can live without. I don't need to win over everyone, in fact... winning over everyone has done a lot of damage to my life. So, I hope you guys don't take offense to this, but if you don't like the things I say or if I'm too weird for you, if my spiritual side is too kooky or my posts are too long or I swear too much or whatever. You can just like... keep scrolling. It's okay. And I won't be offended, I'll actually be a bit grateful that we can respectfully part ways on peaceful terms, with a nod and going different ways at a crossroads. I think that's a much more peaceful way to exist: to live and let live. And I think we should all be doing it a bit more often.

So, maybe my rediscovering of ADHD should be more about getting to know myself and why I do what I do, what I'm not even noticing I do, more that than warning new people of how eccentric I am. I think that's a healthier place to keep that. I'm glad I digested this thought, it's a pretty new one and a very strong one, and I think this is a much healthier place for it to be than the start.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

[cecampbell]

Brain Disperse (or dump) #1

Being the Baby of the family: An Account of People Observing

So this blog is tailored to what I know. After reading up on dysfunctional families, listening to podcasts on anxieties different age gaps experience, on the gratitude we should have as an american society, and watching general people in the wild malls of Austin Texas. Thinking, wow, it’s all opinion. And that I have quite a dysfunctional family myself. And that everyone thinks the same, exact thing. Unless you’re absolutely perfect and have been given the gift of the gods of a true born normal family. We communicate on suffering, but there’s a difference between feeling compassionate towards another, and wanting someone to feel sorry for you. 

If your mother is a baby boomer, your depression in high school is more likely to be “oh you weren’t feeling so well,” or your later found to be bipolar is “oh you’re very colorful.” No parent is perfect, however. 

I’ve realized I talk too much, letting anything be said out of my head, without a filter. That I’ve been much in the spotlight without knowing exactly what important details to say. So I’ve decided to blog my thoughts, my brain matter (better than saying brain dump.) 

If it’s too much of me in the spotlight, then warning: don’t fucking read then. Sorry if that was blunt.  

Here’s opinion from the wild pink haired young woman: 

People kinda suck, but there are some highlights. 

So feeling a bit butthurt after accidentally not being included in the thanksgiving group chat, which enforces my feelings that I’m expected to not show up, that I’m expected since I’m young to not contribute much, that my say-so doesn’t quite matter too well, that I speak but it isn’t heard, that I’m just being dramatic (well, a tad, lol.) It’s all (mostly) assumption my goofy mind likes to troll me with. It just enforces it to the root of my problems: that no one spoke up to our collected childhood trauma. Things that are unsaid and brushed under. If I want to be a therapist, I have to unlearn what I’ve learned: don’t speak out if it hurts. Bottle that shit. 

So here’s my brain matter (akin to a mind dump) according to my own research (from perceiving the world so maybe not really research): 

After observing natural instinct in the wild (major malls in Austin Texas,) and dynamics within families, it’s obvious that larger families are greater in love but not so much communication, and smaller families show less love (still there though) but communicate more. Again: this is all my pure speculation. And as someone who grew up Mormon and with 7 siblings, you’d think I’d never feel alone and without community. But here I am, age gaps between my siblings, left to my own thoughts, being anxious over the unknown, knowing that my story is not that special. Not in a bad way, moreso we share suffering. Not so much grief, as that's different. Sometimes trauma too. But we all share a collected suffering. Hurt people hurt people, let’s change it to hurt people help people in my opinion. 

Another thing I’ve noticed, the babies of the family tend to be more childish, more dependent, while the older tend to be more self-sufficient. Although this doesn’t pertain to every single individual. So if you’re feeling too codependent, ask yourself “what do YOU want to do?” Then do it. If you’re feeling too independent, reach out. Remember: family doesn’t have to be blood, it can be friends. The people you care about. As long as you’ve got people or more importantly you yourself to care for. 

Also the study of families isn’t limited to big families, as only children have these feelings as well.

As for dysfunction, well, hate to break it to you, but everyone has it. If you’re living you probably have it. Whoops. 

What does dysfunction look like?: tension, words unsaid, enabling, aggression (mostly unnecessary for small things,) passive aggression, lack of communication, etc. You could probably add to it too. 

I’d say it boils down to expectations, the ones you set yourself and the ones you set for other people. Ways to not be let down?:

Don’t have them. 

Easier said than done though. How do I not expect things to happen? 

Easy: 

We all die. 

Dark, I know. The future: uncertain. And has everything you’ve ever expected and planned for actually happened? Lol. And if you have had everything you’ve ever expected happen, are you psychic and can I text you??? There shouldn’t be fear in this, in fact, it should be welcoming. Like a big fat hug, “you don’t know when you’ll die!” Joking aside, I mean you can never expect what’s going to happen, so when you’re pleasantly surprised, it’s always good, isn’t it? That said, try not to be toxically positive. Try, lol. 

And then comes: patience. Ah, wonderful patience, the nectar of the gods. Instead of letting every tiny aspect and detail of this life emotionally stunt you, have patience padawan. It comes with time. 

Of course I need to follow my own advice, lol, for I’m the one who’s yelled “fuck!” after I dropped a cup of coffee. 

Anyway, ‘nuff said. I’d say for my spotlight of my mind dispersing (pretty for brain dumpster) the moral of the story is: dysfunction is everywhere, you’re not special. Don’t let expectations and loneliness hurt you. Embrace the solitude of your mind, and let that shit go.