#who are just fuckin INCAPABLE of TALKING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS like NORMAL PEOPLE

[astranauticus]

todays orv mood: standing at the water dispenser under my dorm building waiting for my instant noodles to cook just pacing in circles and swearing

#orv liveblog #should i tag spoilers for like. ramble in tags?? #ok i'll do it just to be safe #orv spoilers #idk in case my webtoon only irl friend suddenly decides to log back into her tumblr after 3 years #context chapter 311/46th scenario #ok theres a lot going on here #first off 1863th round yjh is a character made to haunt me specifically so when the name hell of eternity came up wow i was feeling like #500 emotions at once and none of them were good #second i saw someone on lofter say today that most of the talking kdj and yjh do in this book is through fights and just #LIKE I JUST. cannot get over how our perspective of their relationship is just always being filtered through these two people #who are just fuckin INCAPABLE of TALKING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS like NORMAL PEOPLE #like it drives me so insane that this book is so show dont tell by necessity bc kdj is a fucking moron so we just get these #insanity inducing details like yjh paying to extend his midday rendezvous with kdj for 3 years and just using it as a personal journal #and then you get past all the fuckin. the two of them beating the shit out of each other by way of communicating and its like #'i want to lock you up so you'll stop dying because im scared im not strong enough to be able to stop you and we cant lose you again' LIKE? #SIR WHAT??????? HELLO?????????????? #also the line that made me start pacing in circles around the water cooler while swearing in mandarin was specifically #'i couldn't be the protagonist. i couldn't save someone else' #says the DEMON KING OF SALVATION. like damn its 'sacrifice's will is a stigma that didn't really suit me' all over again #like i love that kdj has the nerve to be like 'of course i dont want to die' and yjh just absolutely does not buy it for a second #god. i want to hit him on the head with a brick.

[blorboconfessions]

this ask is so so long. i am sorry. in my defense im entirely incapable of being normal about my ocs but oughhhh if i ramble about them on my main then all my mutuals i rp with (hypothetically -- i havent had the confidence to start something big in years pff) will know all about all their lore and ill be so so sad about it. so i am not naming any direct oc names. to keep the mystery

that being said. uoggh auhghh eve my boy eve houggg he is so important to me. poor pathetic former-alcoholic current-smoker meow meow whos last known location being a blood puddle outside a bar he is my everything. the religious trauma one queer ass man can have. the depression the repressed emotion the SHEER HOMOEROTIC ENERGIES i have bestowed upon this man. the energies are homoerotic by default bc hes gay dont worry about it

and the only reasons he doesnt go back to his adam being that hes currently presumed dead and even if that wasnt the case he feels too inadequate and ashamed of himself to return to adam. eve desperately wanting to forget, adam desperately clinging to the memory. adams camera. eves magician bullshit. they work the same job in different divisions. their reunion is inevitable. a man thrust into a situation he can never recover from. his lover having to recover from a situation he could never have predicted. eve looks down into the void he must now hide within from his heartbroken adam. adam looks up to the stars he wishes upon for the life and return of his heartbroken eve. fuckin!!! love them!!!!!!!!! im inconsolable. and it was neither of their faults too!!!!! eve was in the wrong place at the wrong time and adam was simply unexpected collateral damage. and eve can leave literally whenever but he DOESNT because he assumes that adam will HATE HIM and its like GIRL JUST COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND........ i made eve a total trainwreck and i regret none of it. the doomed yaoi. the sydney and jedidiah of my ocs. the original sin. i die

and its even funnier bc eve used to just be a character i had no intention of expanding upon for like at LEAST a year and a half. then literally 5 years ago i ended up revealing who he was early because i wanted to actually develop him as a character. and now im so autistic and a little gay for this man. fuck. FAUCK!!!!!!!!!! he used to just be mysteeeerious notes left at peoples feet and now hes my freak of the week. by now anyone who knows me has probably caught on to my typing style and can guess who im talking about so to anyone reading if you know me shhhhhh shh shhhh no you dont ive said nothing. no witnesses /silly

- 🎉 (since i plan to show up to this blog a good few times im adding an anon tag. i am confetti anon. i use it/he prns and i am exceedingly abnormal)

.

#🎉 #🎉 anon #Also hiiiiiii 🎉 I'm glad you're planning on being a regular #I love seeing people talk about their favs. Like. The happiness you guys have talking about it so far transfers to me #Love you all <333 #confession #tw death #(?) #I love adam and eve together btw. They are gay and inlove and absolutely precious to me despite only knowing what you've written in this as

[peggy-uwu]

Peggy's wierd long ventish post abt being ace or whatever

this is VERY rambly my apologies

~

also I've heard some people like to ask about interacting with vent posts etc but feel free to like, reblog, comment, add ur own experiences etc here, I want to talk about this, maybe that'll help me properly figure out how I feel about it all.

~

so, the other night, I went out semi-christmas shopping with my sister, and after we were done, we decided to head back to my place to hang out and watch scary movies with my flatmate. and I wanna state here, just for the record, that this is the first time my sister and my flatmate have ever met, but they have the same vibes, and I knew as soon as *I* met my flatmate, that they'd be good friends.

~

I don't drink, but I don't have any problem with like, other people drinking while hanging out with me. so they started drinking, and talking, and it was all a good time. We were about 20 minutes into our second movie, they were down like, 2 bottles of rosé between them and they got onto the topic of books and stuff, and my flatmate wanted to show us her room and all her books and stuff.

~

so we head up to my flatmates room, and look at all her stuff and just end up hanging out up there. conversation goes and she starts talking about her insecurities, as drunk girls are known to do. so i'm sitting on her bed, and my sister is complimenting her a ton, and I am too, because she's super pretty and really lovely etc etc.

eventually they get onto the topic of sex and stuff, they're talking about their experiences etc etc and I don't remember it very well but I end up bringing up the fact that I've never HAD sex, and don't really want to? like I don't understand why people do it when you can just do other things instead.

and at some point my flatmate said that, if I ever wanted to, she would be happy to be my first.

she just... offered to have sex with me? and I kinda just came up short. I'm ace, and I've known for like a while now, but I'd never actually been offered sex, let alone by a woman, and someone I was at the very least, aesthetically attracted to..

like, I've never been offered sex and had that offer be like, tangible. if I wanted to I COULD do that. that is an action I could take and not like, a hypothetical thing i hope this makes sense idk how exactly to explain it.

~

the best way I can describe it is, sex just kinda feels like fiction to me.? it doesn't really feel like a Thing that People (me) Do.

Iike I get that people DO do it but it feels like one of those crazy dangerous out there jobs that people have, like ocean vessel repair, or fuckin nuclear technicians. yes, there are real people doing these things, but I will NEVER be one of them. it's not a thing that will ever be possible for me to do. and frankly I don't want to lmao. so someone offering me sex feels the same as someone offering me a job in goddamn nuclear engineering. that's just not... a thing.. that I can do. like I COULD do it, I could learn nuclear engineering and become a fucking scientist engineer or whatever. same as I COULD become an astronaut or I COULD become a submarine pilot. like I'm not physically incapable, I have hands and legs and a brain that can learn but like. it will never happen I will never do that or become those things. I just won't. I wouldn't even know where to START.

so being offered tangible sex felt like someone had pulled me up on the street and offered me a full ride scholarship to Nuclear Engineering University. like, cool,, awesome,, no thanks tho.

~

I still just feel really wierd about it. because I feel like the normal response to being offered sex by someone who is pretty, of ur preferred gender, and ready and consenting to it, is to say... yes? sex feels like something that I SHOULD be wanting to do. like up till now id been able to justify my never-having-had-sex to just, never having been OFFERED sex. I always subconsciously knew that I'd decline if offered, but I'd never had to ACTIVELY make that decision.

~

So anyway, we hung out for a while longer talking about art and tv shows and MORE sex stuff before I got tired and went to bed. They ended up staying awake pretty late, being loud downstairs and I had to tell them to shush a couple times before I could finally get to sleep at around 1-2am.

~

I woke up in the morning at a reasonable 9 o'clock and rolled over to a text from my sister, responding to my 17 "guys be quiet" texts, reading "ok srry we borderline fucked instead srry LMAO"

~

and again... what?

If I figure out how to put into words the way I felt when I read that text, I'll update this post, but for now all I can explain it as is, I felt wierd. and in a bad way.

like, my older sister. had sex. with a person who I was becoming friends with. who had offered ME sex (that I turned down). but then she went on to have sex with my sister. it feels like betrayal almost? but for absolutely no reason. idk idk idk i don't know how I feel about this or why I even feel anything at all. ugh. help.

~

~

and tangentially related but also kind of a different topic altogether:

~

I know that if I just, went out, brought someone home and had sex with them, I'd finally like, /get/ it, I'd understand what all the hype was about, why everyone seems to place so much value on sex. unfortunately for me, I was raised christian and have pretty heavily internalized all the "sex is a sacred, divine act that should only be performed post marriage with your husband".

~

I don't know where I exactly stand with all the religion stuff, but, as much as I wish I didn't, I do believe in god, and that fuckin rapture is a thing that's gonna happen one day, and sin matters, and that having sex before marriage is not a Thing That I Am Allowed To Do.

but at the same time, like, I kind of don't give a fuck what other people do? my sister was raised the same, and she seems to have no problems whatsoever with sleeping with whoever she wants, so is it just a me issue? am I blaming religion for my fear and aversion to sex when I'm actually just a fucking coward?? I don't fucking know

~

so either way, just going out and having sex with someone is not an option on the table for me, not without also coming with a metric fuckton of guilt, shame, anxiety and fear, that really doesn't seem worth it just to 'see what the hype is about'.

so tldr for the last like, 4 paragraphs,

general disinterest in sex + religious belief surrounding sex = it just kinda isnt worth ever having really.

~

which is fine. I guess.

but it still feels really fucking awful to not be able to connect with people based on those shared experiences? I'm pretty sure I'm autistic, so it's already hard enough trying to connect with people, and being ace just isolates me that much more. and for a person whose spent the last 3 if not 4 years with a net 0 close friends, with no end to said friendless streak in sight, it really fucking sucks.

~

Internet friends are great but I can't hug you guys (see: one specific person it knows who it is ily 💜💜), or sit on your bed and listen to music with you, or serve you dinner and bake you a cake. cooking for and giving people things is my love language, so it's basically impossible for me to express 'love' to my internet friends, and not being able to express it almost feels the same as just NOT, and that hurts.

#ace #asexual #ace culture #vent #feelings #shit i dont understand #someone please just take my brain out and sort out all my thoughts and feelings for me

[ievaxol]

10 films I love (and am incapable of being normal about)

i was tagged! thank you @aerogadyne

The LOTR set of films - where do i even start. formative. incredible. comfort movies that make me cry so hard i feel like my skull's been split in two. i read the books as a young child and once the movies came out i was lost in them.

Rogue One oh my god i rarely have the brainspace or capacity to sit through an entire movie but i saw this in theatres three fuckin' times. Jyn is my phone background still. if you talk to me abt rogue one i start snapping and biting like an overexcited dog -

Treasure Planet. deeply personal, incredibly touching and the animation is delicious and shoved into my mouth thanks

Bill and Ted's excellent adventure listen i had a friend in high school who would watch all these cool old films and many times he was like 'yo munk you need to see this' which is 75% of the movies i consumed at the time. Bill and Ted is fucking excellent. 10/10. due a rewatch.

Dogma another of the movies my highschool friend introduced me to (along with most of Jay and Silent Bob universe, tbh) and every once in a while i think about 'not born..... shit into existence' and giggle

13 going on 30 listen. LISTEN. when i want a sappy, comfort-y romcom that makes my heart feel full, then i want this one. fairly certain i had a crush on the lead actress

21 (+22) Jumpstreet alright im just outing myself as watching fairly silly movies but channing tatum in these movies is genuinely a gem and the humor vibes with me

Anastasia as much as the noise the train made when it fell of the tracks freaked me out, the glitter in her tiara and dress more than made up for it. another movie that easily makes me cry

Ronja Robbers Daughter the grief. the generational strife. the music. the rebirth from winter into spring. the weight of growing up. the theme music. a complicated father-daughter relationship. augh

Kimetsu no Yaiba: Mugen Train technically cheating since i watched the anime episodes but im squeezing it in here. kyojirou, my love, my light.

i thiiiiiiiink most people have done this already? consider this an open invitation/tag to fill it out 👀

#rambles #thanks for da tag it was fun to shake out 10 movies #considering i barely watch movies im a heathen like that #most of the time 'have you watched' is always a no : ( #i wish i had the attention span for it but alas

[boldlyvoid]

Hi Em, i know it’s probably none of your business but i feel like i need to talk about it with someone and i honestly have nobody else to talk to :( i sent you an ask about thinking maybe im autistic like two years ago (late 2020 ish) and i cant find it again but basically ever since your answer i cant stop thinking about it and i honestly havent been to a psychologist bc im scared maybe she’s going to confirm it to me. I have been reading about symptoms and watching people talk about autism and i relate with so many things they say so idk, it gives me so much anxiety and im honestly so scared.

Also i hope this doesn’t trigger you but i talked to my mom about it and she was like ‘lol you’re definitely not autistic, you graduated from college and you’re clever and not incapable of doing things on your own’ and that made me really sad so now idk how to cope with it :( im so upset

the best advice I can give you is that you live in your brain 24/7 you know yourself well. you wouldn't look at your broken arm and think oh it doesn't look like most broken arms so it mustn't be broken. you'd feel the pain and experience it your own way and know that yes, this is broken. you know when something is up. you know when you have nerve pain or when your feelings are hurt. so if you look at yourself and you look at what it takes to be diagnosed with autism and you think, "hey that sounds like me" then that's totally you. you don't need a doctor's permission to say you have a broken arm, you fuckin know when the bone is popped out. so why can't you say you're autistic if you feel so as well?

as for your moms response that's very rooted in ableism but also autism is a hereditary thing, so your parents most likely have some kind of neuro-divergency that makes them see you as quote-unquote normal but that's only because it's their normal too. like my mom thinks its normal to get in her car and drive and not remember how she got to work because she was thinking about too much other stuff... as if that's not an adhd thing? it's totally normal to her... and my dad being able to hear every sound in the house and freak out over the smallest inconvenience is normal and "just man things" and not him becoming overstimulated from his autism....

your parents dont know you as well as you know yourself, if Autism feels like the right diagnosis for you and if you can ease your everyday life with accommodations specifically made to help neurodivergent people, then there's nothing wrong with that. live your life the way that will help you feel the best and fuck anyone who doesn't like it.

if i'm not following you and you want to message me privately, let me know and I'll do that, I'm always here to talk one on one if you need someone

#ask #autism anon #so you can find it easier next time

[defendglobe]

Free character of choice :)

NICE! im gonna go with data startrek bc ive been rewatching TNG lately.

favorite thing about them: his weird little quirks. like not using contractions, listing off a ton of synonyms when talking, his love for sherlock holmes, the way he babies his cat, the stupid hat he wears when the crew plays poker, etc. and also just how artistic he is (he's constantly painting, he plays violin, and writes poetry)

least favorite thing about them: i get that he was written as detached and unemotional but my god. he's WAY too calm when people are being bigoted to his face. i wish he had the chance to say "you know what? the way people treat me is incredibly fucked up and i do not deserve this" at least once.

favorite line: "the starfleet officers who first activated me on omicron theta told me I was an android. nothing more than a sophisticated machine with human form. however, i realized that if i was simply a machine, i could never be anything else. i could never grow beyond my programming. i found that difficult to accept, so i chose to believe that i was a person, that I had the potential to be more than a collection of circuits and subprocessors"

brOTP: really data and the entire enterprise-D crew. but to pick just one duo, i'll say data and deanna.

OTP: data/geordi. fellas, is it gay to have trouble in romantic relationships with women because you "have a hard time being yourself" while being practically joined at the hip with your dude best friend? i love how geordi accepts data just as he is and data trusts him enough to let him do maintenance/repairs on him. also its so fucking funny that they roleplay sherlock holmes together.

nOTP: every now and then i see data shipped with maddox or kivas fajo (both characters who viewed data as just an object with no autonomy and one of which was physically violent with him) and im like. can we Not do that.

random headcanon: i've seen a lot of people headcanon that the emotion chip is just a placebo/just allows data to label the feelings he already has but my headcanon is a bit different. i like to think the chip was created with the assumption that data was completely incapable of emotion without it. but since he clearly does have SOMETHING going on, it wreaks havoc on his systems and takes every emotion to its extreme. which is why he's so emotionally out of control in generations. by the later TNG movies he seems a lot more like himself, so geordi probably figured out what was going on and found a way to fix it.

unpopular opinion: when data talks about "wanting to be human," he doesn't actually mean he wishes he was human (Q offers to make him human twice and he immediately says no fuckin way). he really means like. wanting to be loved and accepted, to be treated as "normal," and to be part of a family. but since he doesn't quite know how to articulate that, he just says he wants to be human instead.

song i associate with them: we talk like machines - savoir adore

favorite picture of them: look at this shit. this show is fucking insane.

#ask #eldragon-x #i apologize for rambling LMAO i rlly love data #emma watches star trek

[stained-glass-wing]

Some writing

"What, Rue."

It wasn't exactly an invitation, especially paired with Jynx's scowl and sour glare, but it wasn't explicitly a "get fucked," either. Somehow, the way Echo hovered betrayed her curiosity. It was rare for him to be so...present yet silent.

Jynx rolled his eyes up at her with an exasperated growl. "Why would you of all people wanna have me talk."

"Your behavior is just peculiar," Echo observed.

"That so."

She tried to take note of their surroundings, but there was very little to bring forth. Jynx was prohibited from entering their communal space without another adult escorting him, which he flat out refused to entertain. Echo wasn't exactly sure where they were. Some liminal space, an uncomfortable nowhere.

"You're welcome to fuck off any time," Jynx snapped, clearly irritated by her even glancing around them. He was sat on a broken and rusted metal guardrail, like ones found running along highways. Hunched forward, elbows on knees, fingertips pressed together.

"Is this where you normally are?" she asked.

"I can't imagine anything that matters less," he drawled. "Now get lost, before you piss me off."

- - - - - - - - - - -

Jynx trudged up the dank, slippery stone stairs, the ones that led down to Rue's cell underground. It was an old fixture of their inner world, somewhere every Rue felt she belonged. The cell itself had enough room to pace, though Rue herself would be shackled loosely to the far wall. It was empty besides, simply inky blackness behind iron bars.

Echo noticed him emerge from the staircase, brusquely cleaning his hands with a stained rag. As she drew closer in the shadows, she noticed the smudges of red blood and black ichor--remnants of a Rue's wounds, undoubtedly.

"Can feel ya out there," he spoke into the stillness. Echo milled about in the shadows, undecided. "Either speak up or fuck off, not interested in having a mute tagalong."

With a mental shrug, she pulled her silhouetted self from the shadows and drifted closer. He didn't acknowledge her at first, silent as he methodically placed his rings and chains back on his knuckly fingers.

"Well?" he finally prompted.

"Well what?"

His sharp ochre eyes glared up at her. "Don't play fuckin' dumb. Why are you here, Rue."

"Is there somewhere else I'm supposed to be?" she asked.

"Not here is a good start."

"You told me to come out."

"Yeah, because you lurkin' around gives me the fuckin' creeps." He stuffed the bloodstained rag into a pocket.

"Who's down there?" Echo asked, gaze fixed on the staircase.

"Does it matter?" He made a derisive noise in the back of his throat. "It's a Rue. Who cares which one."

"I do," Echo replied.

"And why would you care about an inconsequential thing like that." He said it in that slightly hypnotic, patronizing way that every Rue recognized as the eerily serene moment before lightning struck.

"Simple curiosity," she offered distantly.

"Curiosity, eh." He held a hand up to her. "C'mere, Rue."

Echo hesitated. There was a fleck of dried blood on his nail.

"Come. Here."

She drifted down into his reach, her body reflexively braced, eyes averted.

Jynx leaned in close to her. "You're tolerable, for a Rue, but don't get too comfy thinkin' we're buddies. I let you come scrape them up after I'm done with 'em because you're all just so damn pathetic."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you feel sorry for us," Echo mused.

He grinned, sour and mocking. "I do feel sorry for the lot of you. So pitiful and helpless, incapable of handling yourselves. You can't manage without your precious fairy, and as much as you don't want to admit it, you can't deal with his absence without me."

"Perhaps," she murmured. "But you clearly don't want the burden of us. Why do you do this?"

Jynx coughed a laugh. Mockery and sarcasm dripped from his voice: "Because it's fun, because I get sick, twisted pleasure from hurting you, because I'm a sadistic asshole who lives to torment." Suddenly his tone turned irritable, almost bitter, "Or maybe, just maybe, we don't know how to FUCKING do it any other way."

"Almost makes you sound like a martyr--"

There was a sharp pain at her scalp and suddenly she was slammed into the ground so hard it knocked the wind from her. Jynx's boot pressed to the base of her sternum, pinning her in place wheezing for air. She looked up at him with tear-blurred vision; she could only make out his sharp-toothed grin staring down at her.

"Don't ever wanna hear you say something so fuckin' stupid ever again, got it?"

Echo nodded, wincing as her neck protested. She flinched as he pushed his boot down harder for a second, then it was gone and she rolled onto her side, hacking and gasping for breath.

When she regained herself enough to look around again, Jynx was gone.

#echo #⛓️ #🖋️

[heyheydidjaknow]

If I bounce my foot, it makes this chair sound like someone is doing unspeakable things. Also, it has been a hot minute, but I have a chapter written now, and that's what matters. Hopefully the next chapter will be out sooner than later.

Chapter 16

You are going to kill him.

“That is absolute fucking horseshit!” You pace back and forth in front of the restaurant. “His ass was the one who invited me!”

You can practically hear his eyes rolling on the other end of the line. “How is it my problem if he flaked?”

“You’re guilty by association!” You cross your arms. “It’s a favor to you! How is it not at least partially your fault?”

“Because he said he’d be there.”

You hang up on him. You have been standing here for half an hour, and only now do you hear that he can’t be there because of something about a movie. While, under different circumstances, you would be relatively understanding, standing outside in a dress in November is making you a bit less amiable.

You sit down on the step, letting your hair down and leaning forward on your knees. ‘What a waste of a perfectly good twilight.’

You pull out your phone. It’s your father’s birthday back home, ironically enough. You smile bitterly. He and your mother told you when you were younger you wouldn’t be allowed to date until you were eighteen— something about them being worried about you getting in a bad situation— and here you were, flouting their rules, sitting alone on the steps of a restaurant with just enough money for food. ‘Does this count as disrespectful?’

Nobody online has said anything about it. No messages hoping he rests in peace, nothing from extended family.

You set the phone down at your side, quietly watching people walk by. You had your cast taken off today. The people at the hospital gave you some sort of weird juice, and now you can walk around with only the occasional ringing in your ears and half-decent handwriting. ‘Not that my handwriting was that great before,’ you muse. ‘Maybe I’ll finally be able to sit in a car without wanting to jump out.’

“Something got you down?”

There is a thing you have noticed about people’s voices thus far that, until now, you have not thought about in detail; people do not sound exactly like their voice actors back in your world. For example, Donatello does not sound like Rob Paulsen, but the way he shapes his words, the tone of his voice, and the general pitch is relatively similar. He sounds like a teenage boy who happens to talk like his character, and it is by this you have been able to identify voices.

Oddly enough, she sounds nothing like Kelly Hi.

Your blood goes cold. “Yeah,” you sigh, desperately keeping your voice steady. “My date bailed on me.”

Karai sits down next to you on the steps, looking out with you. “That sucks.” She chuckled. “Why’s that?”

“No clue.” ‘Why is she trying this?’ You rest your head on your knees, hands clenching and thoughts going a mile a minute. ‘I’m not made by the Kraang, and the guys shouldn’t have messed with her anyways, so she shouldn’t have my— but I did kill— but she doesn’t care about that, and neither does Shredder.’

“Well,” she sighed, “that’s teenagers for you.” She points back at the restaurant. “Can I get you something? My treat.”

You swallow thickly. “Sure.” Your hands are shaking despite your best efforts. You hope you do not look as completely terrified as you feel. “But I can pay for my own food.”

“Are you alright there?”

‘Sadist.’ You nod.

“Are you sure?” She chuckles. “You’ve gone pale.”

You scramble for a plausible excuse. “I’ve been fasting.” That is not a good example of an excuse. “I need to start getting more iron in my diet.”

“I’m sure some food inside will have iron in it.” The smile on her face— she is not a good liar herself— tells you all you need to know, all venom and quiet pleasure. You seem to shrink next to her.

It is not a request. It is a veiled demand.

You get to your feet. You will not make it far if you run. “Have you been here before?” You force yourself up the steps, opening the door for her.

“No,” she admits, nodding thanks, “but it’s supposed to have good reviews.”

“So you were here for the food?”

A shrug. “You could say that.”

The two of you settled in a booth not terribly far from the door, on your insistence. If you are putting yourself in this situation— ‘At least Casey knows where I am. Why did he have to suggest someplace where I know nobody?’— you may as well not make it easy for her. She orders a milkshake— you can not hear her very well over the roaring in your ears, but that is what she gets— and you drink water exclusively from the straw because your hands are currently incapable of holding anything. ‘What was even the point of all those dexterity-based exercises,’ you cannot help but internally whine, ‘if as soon as I need to be coordinated, I get all flinchy and shaky?’

“I didn’t catch your name.”

Your head rises too quickly. “Huh?”

Another smile. You hate her. “Your name,” she repeats herself. “You haven’t given me your name.”

“Y/N.” As soon as you say it, you know you messed up. “Y/N Collins.”

“Collins?” She leaned against her hand, quietly staring you down. “What is that?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, what country is that from?”

‘Great question.’ You strain to smile back. “No clue. My parents haven’t ever brought it up.”

“Really?”

Your face burns at how easy the clinking of her fingernails against the glass puts you on edge. “Is that unusual?”

“I wouldn’t know.” She took a sip from her drink. “I don’t have many friends, you understand, and I’m from overseas to boot. I don’t know much about what’s normal.”

“Yeah?” You follow her example. “What’re you here for?”

A shrug. “My father’s here on business. Cutlery.”

“For restaurants or?”

“Sure.”

‘If I call Casey, he— but then I’d have to be in his van.’ You clear your throat. ‘Bathroom. Maybe the bathroom has a window.’ “Do you mind if I step out for a sec?” You stand up. “I have to use the restroom.”

“Not at all.” She looks up at you through her eyelashes. “Want me to come with?”

You shake your head, trying not to trip over yourself as you make it to the back of the restaurant, purse over your shoulder. ‘Maybe she won’t think anything of it.’ You lock the door behind you, exhaling as you look around the small room. As is typical of your luck these days— though, you suppose, fighting back tears, it’s not so much these days if it’s been going on for months; you miss your mother— there is none. Graffiti, sharpie illustrations, no toilet paper, and no window. No plan for if the date went badly in the first place— you kick yourself for having forgotten that essential step— and no ride home. You have money for the ticket home— he said he would pay— and a phone and a charger and it is at times like these where you wish you valued your life more. The only chance you now have, as far as you’re concerned, is to either run or fake a phone call at the table.

You just got out of a cast.

You take a deep breath, walking back onto the floor, thanking her for her patience. She nods, waves it off as no trouble, and starts talking again as she drains her drink. You listen, you try to keep the conversation going the best you can, drink right alongside her.

You do not remember when you start having fun, when you start laughing along with her at something or other, but you are now.

“So,” she sighed, lacing her fingers together under her chin. “Who was the lucky guy?”

You blink. “Huh?”

“The guys you were here to meet.”

“Kid from Bio,” you answer. “Can’t remember his name.”

She nods. “Do you have many guy friends?”

“A couple, I guess.”

“What’re they like?”

“Busy.” You smile slightly. “Most of them are, anyway. The guy that set me up is free most of the time.”

“What about the others?”

“They’re into martial arts.” You glance down at your glass, and for a moment, you swear it looks slightly blue. “Their dad’s into it.”

“What’re their names?”

You blink, picking the glass up and placing it on top of your hand. “Reese and Donnie and Legoshi and the other one.” ‘Why is my drink blue?’

“The other one?”

You nod, eyes drooping slightly as you struggle to rationalize the color change. “Can’t remember his name.”

“Michelangelo, maybe?”

“Maybe.” You take another sip, trying to taste what it is. “That name sounds familiar, but I can’t remember from what.” Something with salt.

“You said your name was Y/N?”

You nod again. ‘Water isn’t blue, right?’

“Then, Y/N,” she smiles again, eyes slowly drilling holes into your skull, “do you know who I am?”

“Legoshi’s sis, right?” You look up at her. “You’re Karai Hamato.”

Your eyes are too blurry to tell exactly what is happening with her face. “What?”

“Your name.” You take another sip. “Karai Hamato. Or Missy. It’s one of the two.”

“I’m not a Hamato.”

“Yeah, you are.” You giggle before the words slip out of your mouth. “You’re fucking— well, not fucking— you let stepbrother, right? Half brother?” You are forgetting something important. “Are you two blood-related?”

“We aren’t.”

“You sound angry.”

A blink. “I do not.”

“Do too.” ‘I don’t like her for some reason.’ “You’re getting all red in the face.”

“Because you’re accusing me of something I’m not.”

“Fuckin…” you grin. “If you’re into that shit, I’m not gonna fuckin judge you or nothin, but at least fuckin… uh… own up to it.” Your eyes drag across the table lazily.

“I’m no Hamato.”

“You are too.”

They land on a plastic bag.

‘Oh. That’s why.’

“Who told you I was?”

“Your stepdad.” You get to your feet, holding your bag. “Or dad, I guess? I dunno, whichever one didn’t kill your mom.”

There’s something else in her voice as she gets up, following you out. “How do you know that?”

“I just said how.” The cold air outside hits you like a brick. ‘Run.’

“So you know where—“ You shove your weight back on her, slamming her body and in turn her into the brick wall and run.

She grabs your something. You fall, head slamming painfully against the ground. You kick her, she grabs your hair. In what you might later describe as a drunken effort, you reach your hands up towards her face. You feel something squishy, a cry, and she’s facing you now, dragging you into somewhere considerably darker than outside at night. You feel something in the back of your head, she covers your mouth as you cry out, and you do the only thing you can think of.

You taste something again. Something is in your mouth. She stumbles back. You trip up to your feet, and you fall in the direction of the nearest subway tunnel.

The things happening around that time are swirling around in your head, now, face held in your hands as you quietly curl up on the subway. You do not remember entering a train car, or buying a ticket, or even what happened to the object in your mouth, but the crying you remember. You remember someone touching your shoulder with a soft voice, looking up with your mouth covered in sticky, dried stuff and fingers covered in red and clear goo, and that being enough to have them get off at the next stop.

You do not know how long you are on the train. When you finally feel yourself again, your phone is almost dead. Hours must have passed. You do not remember leaving, but you remember the ringing in your ears again as you dial someone, sitting on the sidewalk in what used to be the only dress you owned. You are reasonably sure you are going to burn it.

—

“Is this okay?”

“What?”

“This.” Mikey gestures around himself. “What we’re doing.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“They’re people, right?” He looks over at his brother, currently skimming the same magazine again. “The Kraang, I mean.”

It takes a second for him to process the question, but Donnie does not have to look up from his sewing to know his brother’s reaction.

“It’s just a question.”

“A fuckin— do you hear yourself?”

“I’m just—“

“Leo,” he turns to his older brother, “is killing the threat to all of humanity wrong?”

“But we just blew up a giant ship of them though.” He crisscrosses his legs. “Aren't we killing a ton of people, then?”

“Mikey,” Leo sighs, not looking up from the TV, “there are more people in New York than there are Kraang that we could ever kill.”

“Eight million.” He sincerely hopes the gloves are not too large. “For number's sake, it’s eight million.”

Leo shoots his brother a thumbs up, glancing over at his brother’s project curiously. “Thanks, Donnie.”

“Even if we were actively going on a killing spree and mowing them down that way, there is no way in hell any of us could kill two million Kraang per person even if we wanted to. That’s not even talking about the number of people who would be fucked once they were done with New York.” Raphael punctuates this with a pointed and aggressive flip to the next page. “End of story.”

“But—“

“And even if they stopped at New York,” he continues, cutting him off, “that would still be eight million people dead because of us getting cold feet.”

Mikey opens his mouth again, sighs, and closes it. “Fine, okay.” He leans back against the concrete, eyes going back to his phone. “Anyways, why do you keep getting water on your thing?”

“Hm? Oh, you mean the gloves.” His taller brother looks up. “It’s easier to get the needle through it when it’s warm and wet. Plus, it makes the— stop laughing!”

“Then you thought it too.”

Heat rushes to his face. “You’re so immature.”

“But you thought it too. That's hypothetical.”

“You mean hypocritical.”

“I said what I said.”

Michelangelo’s phone rings.

He puts a finger, bringing it to his face. “Hel— hey, slow down.” His brow furrowed, the other three leaning towards him. “No, wait, what— who’s she?”

There’s a pause.

“She did— wait, hold on.” He tosses the phone to Donatello. “It’s for you.”

He catches it. “Hello?”

“Could you pick me up?”

He blinks. “What, with the Shellraiser?”

Your voice is paper. “Yup.”

“You hate the Shellraiser.”

“She wants to go in the Shellraiser?”

Donatello waves his younger brother off, letting you talk. “I hate Karai more, currently. Please pick me up.”

Leo pipes up. “What happened?”

He ignores him. “Where are you?”

There is a pause as she checks, his brothers watching for his reactions. “One-oh-three Saint Corona Plaza.”

“Got it.”

“What happened?” Raphael, this time.

“Need me to stay on the line?” With a pointed glare at his siblings, he climbs into the ‘raiser.

“Please.”

He calls behind him at his brothers. “I’ll be back before two.” The phone is brought back up to his face as they moan about a lack of info. The machine is spurred into motion. “What are you doing in Queens so late?”

“No idea.” He can hear your strained smile. “Ask Karai.”

His heart stops. “What happened with Karai?”

You repeat your statement.

“She didn’t—“

You cut him off. “I’m not back in the hospital, no.”

He resists the urge to sigh in relief. “Did she follow you?”

“I’ve yet to be hit over the head, so I’ll hasten to say no.” There is something off about your voice, a certain quality about it that he cannot quite pin down. “I’ve been essentially useless the whole time, what with her drugging me and all.”

“She what?”

“I think she did, anyway.” It is incredibly disturbing to him how calm you sound. “Unless water’s blue and kinda tastes salty now. I don’t imagine it would be though,” you ponder, chilling years off of his life, “even if you guys messed up the mission. It would be green, since that’s the color of the acid, right?”

He mumbles something out about indicators, head reeling as he tries to not hit a street lamp.

“That’s what I thought.” You sigh. “Say, have you got any hydrogen peroxide at your place? No, wait, scratch that, I’m burning the dress anyways.”

“Dress?”

“Yeah.” You huff. “Last time I’m letting Jones set me up on a date. Last time I’m going on a date period until all this gets worked out, actually.”

‘It is not okay to feel happy that she had a bad date.’ Still, he tries to steer the conversation away from the horrifying for a minute. “What happened?”

“I got stood up.”

“Why?”

“I forget. Where are you?”

He glances up at the street sign. “Still pretty far.”

A pause.

“You know,” you swallow, “I should really stop doing this. It’s not exactly great of me to have to ask for your help all the time.”

“None of us mind.”

“That’s not the point.” He hears a car on your end whizz by. “I should be able to go a week without making you go out of your way for me. You guys manage.”

“We’ve also been training in ninjutsu since we could walk.”

Tired, he decided. You sound tired. “Other normal people manage.”

“You’re not a normal person, though.”

“Sure I am.” Your words sound slow to him. “I keep interesting company is all.”

“That’s a word for it.”

“What, don’t count yourself as interesting?”

He turns a corner. “Not the first word I’d use, no.”

Another long silence. Occasionally, he notes, you will him something into the phone, say a quiet, unintelligible word of phrase he cannot quite make out, presumably in an effort to continue looking like you are on the phone to passers by. The streets, like most nights nowadays, are mostly empty, save for the occasional cop car or kid, making the commute a relatively uneventful one. It gives him time to think, anyways, and after a while of quiet contemplation and forced slow breaths so he did not look quite as panicked as he felt once he picked you up, a question quietly surfaces.

He would have come in a heartbeat. He was not exactly sure what he would have done, but he would have come running, regardless of if he could help. Why would you not call? Why would you try and deal with that sort of situation alone? Did you not trust he would come?

His fingers tighten around the wheel. What had you been thinking going out alone, anyway? After all that was happening, you thought it was a good idea to go on a date without a plan for if it went south?

Another sharp turn. If nothing else, he thinks, he can not say you are no longer naive or lacking in innocence. Maybe you are just incredibly prideful. Regardless, it will get you in more trouble than you had to be in.

What would he do if you got yourself irreparably damaged?

—

You are not having a good time.

You have managed to convince yourself that this is not, in fact, anything like the car. For starters, it is less aerodynamic; it is a metal box on wheels, designed for subway travel and is, therefore, not designed for optimum wind resistance, meaning it cannot go as fast with the same amount of energy. The inside of the vehicle is also distinctly dissimilar to a car, its origins blatantly obvious, and was entirely lacking in windows. While this is enough to convince you currently that climbing into the machine is not as serious a death sentence, the fact of the matter is that, yes, it is a metal monster on four wheels that drives on roads. If you keep your eyes shut, maybe you will not vomit as soon as you stumble out of the door.

Your stomach hurts. A lot of your body hurts, actually. You do not remember the “fight” with much clarity, but you do understand your head hurrying. You have yet to get a good look at yourself, but if you had to guess by the stains on your fingers that you can now identify as blood, the bad taste in your mouth that you are fairly sure is vomit and the flaky stuff on your face that also looks suspiciously blood-like, you would hasten to guess the answer is “not great”. You certainly do not feel great, if that is indicative of anything.

He has not said a word so far.

You do not force conversation, now. You would prefer not to talk about the ordeal, anyways.

There are monitors that he is staring at in order to steer. Why he would not just get an actual steering wheel or the old hull of a car from a junkyard is beyond you, though you guess a hippie van would not offer the same armored protection as a subway car.

“We got molested by a sea monster today.”

You look over at him, eyes half lidded. You want to sleep. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” His eyes are focused on the screens. “Apparently it liked my submarine.”

“That’s… a thing.” You rub your hands on your thighs absentmindedly. “How did that work out?”

“Fine. It wasn’t all that strong.”

Your lips curl up into a weak smile. “That’s good, then. The mission went alright?”

He nods. “Without a hitch, funny enough.”

“That’s cool.”

The conversation dies as quickly as it starts.

The drive from that point on is an uncomfortably quiet one. You pick blood from under your nails, thumbs occasionally tracing the scars on your fingers— you are still not used to the difference in texture— as the hum or an engine rumbles underneath you. You are reminded of a memory from when you were younger, driving down the hallway, basking in the warmth of your own body heat with your arms tucked to your chest from under your top layer. The machine you were in now was colder, staler, but the hum of the engine, the time, all reminded you quietly of simpler times.

You swallow thickly. ‘I’m such a coward.’ You shut your eyes gently, stomach churning. ‘I’m going to get the people I care about hurt, aren’t I?’

Donnie says something.

The Shellraiser is stopped. You look up at him. “Huh?”

When he was younger, he and his brothers did not know the limits of their own strength. When they were first learning to fight, when they were first sent to spar against one another when their sensei was asleep, they would often go a step or three too far. He was never one to get involved— his brothers were stronger, more enthusiastic fighters— but he remembered distinctly what they would look like the morning after a fight, cheeks and eyes various shades of purples and blues and blacks. They would ask him, on occasion, after particularly brutal brawls, for him to paint over whichever brother’s face— usually Raphael or Leo— to hide them from their father. He got used to the sight, got better at understanding their anatomy, which chemicals mixed together would do which things.

He is getting sufficiently tired of seeing you hurt the worst he has ever seen.

You look so small in the seat, face black and blue, hands shaking. Your skin is paler than when you two first met, less healthy, a thin coat of sweat coating your skin and hair stuck to the back of your neck. Your dress— he has never seen you in one— is stained with rust, hidden poorly from under your jacket. He can tell already which bruises will take a while to disperse, where she had busted your nose and slammed your head against something hard. You need a shower and water and a blood test to make sure you do not die from whatever Karai gave you.

He clears his throat again. “I don’t want to be rude.”

“You’re doing me a favor. You have a right.”

He does not look you in the eyes. “It’s just… can I ask a question?”

You sigh. Even your voice sounds tired. “Shoot.”

His fingers trace the rim of the steering wheel. He takes a slow breath. “Why didn’t you call?”

“When she cornered me, you mean?”

A nod.

He glances over at you, staring down at your hands, turning them over. “You were on a mission. I didn’t want to mess it up.”

“I would’ve come, you know.”

“I know.” You smile ruefully. “That’s why I didn’t.”

His fingers grip the wheel again, trying to not openly overreact. “Y/N,” he says carefully, “if a mission fails because we need to come save you from Karai, then we fail the mission.”

“How many people in New York would die if you guys did fail?”

“That’s not the point.”

“It is.” You look up at him. “You get yourself in a lot of trouble because of me. You have to make sure I don’t kill myself all the time. Think logically, Donnie.”

He snorts, heart pounding in suppressed, almost overwhelming frustration. “Are you going to say something about thinking logically?”

“Fair point. But you get mine, right?”

“I don’t, actually.” He leans back in his chair, fingers gripping tighter still. “The only reason we’re messing with the Kraang at all, the only reason we started all this, is because I saw you and wanted to help you.” He counts on his fingers. “The only people I really, honestly care about this much are my family and you, and I know that, if I had never met you,” and he looks you dead in the eyes now, “I would just make a filtration system for my family and that would be the end of it.”

Your eyes are still gorgeous. Behind the bruises and the blood, you really are stunning.

“Sure,” he concedes, “maybe Leo would’ve gotten involved because he’s that selfless. I would’ve gone along with it, since he’s my brother and all, but if that were the case…” He takes a slow breath to calm down. He never thought it would come out right now at all times. “If that were the case, I would’ve never tried red velvet cupcakes. Mikey wouldn’t have a friend outside of the family. I never would’ve learned about crime movies, or had talks about science with anyone but myself, or any of the thousand other things you’ve given us.” He does not know exactly when he grabs your hands, but he is now, and you are so warm and alive right now. “I care about you. We care about you. You have to know that. For fuck’s sake,” he laughs, “I’ve told you outright, before!”

You open your mouth to say something. No words come out, for once.

He squeezes your hands. He cannot tell if your heart feels like his does, the straining against his chest, the aching feeling. He was never good at reading people or emotions or any of that.

But it’s time now. He can barely think. If he does not now, he might not ever.

“I love you, Y/N.”

Table of Contents

Chapter 15

Chapter 17

#teenage mutant ninja turtles 2012 #tmnt 2012 #tmnt fanfiction #tmnt x reader #tmnt donnie #raph tmnt #tmnt mikey #tmnt donatello #tmnt #tmnt 2k12 #donnie x reader #2012 donnie #donnie #donatello x reader #donatello hamato #donatello #x reader #y/n #teenage mutant ninja turtles #x reader fanfiction #tmnt karai #Karai is the fucking worst #I love her #but it’s true

[knifewieldingenby]

cherry pie

summary: Aiden is torn. He can’t help his growing feelings for Jaskier, but he couldn’t stand losing Lambert. Luckily Lambert doesn’t see the fucking problem.

content: Mostly Aiden/Lambert, side slice of Aiden/Jaskier, and mentions of geraskefer. Just a sweet little conversation about polyamory and staying true to yourself.

-

Aiden was wallowing again, he realized. He’d come home early with a certain type of groceries in hand, dumped everything on the counter, and got to work making a pie. It was the kind of thing he’d make to distract himself when his thoughts were beyond frustrating, when he wanted to be thinking of anything else. The last thing he wanted was for Lambert to come home after a long day at work to the smell of burning pie filling his apartment. They’d been doing this for a while, coming home to the other’s apartment rather than their own, and today was Lambert’s turn to come to his place. Hence the pie. Hence the trying desperately to think of something other than the man he had a crush on, the man who was definitely not Lambert.

Jaskier. What an infuriating, wonderful man. Lambert had introduced them and they’d hit it off right away, becoming best friends before any other feelings cropped up. But feelings did indeed crop up and Aiden was standing in his kitchen, head bent over a steaming pie, brooding.

He must have lost track of time because Lambert came through his door sooner than he expected, kicking his shoes off and peering into the kitchen, nose following the smell of baked cherries.

“A pie? Oh shit, what happened at work?” Lambert came up behind him and wrapped his arms around Aiden’s waist.

Aiden sighed. “Nothing happened at work. It’s just- nothing.” His mind faded in and out of the here and now as it often did. He had forgotten to take his adderall that morning and his thoughts seemed incapable of sticking to one topic.

“What’s got you so distracted today?” Lambert leaned over and kissed the shell of his ear. It instantly calmed Aiden down in the same breath that it made him feel selfish and unworthy of Lambert’s affections.

You see, they’d talked about this early on in the relationship. Aiden made a point of telling all his partners that he had always considered himself to be polyamorous, and that if they were to stay together they would have to contend themselves with the fact that there was always a possibility that he would become attracted to someone else. It was a conversation that ended a few relationships, and although it made him sad he knew it was for the best. Lambert was different. They’d only gone on two dates when he decided to tell him, earlier than he usually did, because Lambert was someone he could see himself falling for fast. Better to get it out of the way early and avoid heartbreak.

He wasn’t sure how he’d expected Lambert to react. In the short time they’d spent together he had pieced together that Lambert was rough around the edges, gruff and broody, snarky and biting, but something much softer was buried beneath the surface and it seemed to come out much stronger when he talked about his family. And, in the few moments of peace in a maddeningly loud world, toward Aiden as well. He half expected Lambert to be angry and hurt; he was more sensitive than he let on and didn’t open up to many people, and it would only make sense for him to feel sort of betrayed and led on. The fact that he felt neither was nothing short of shocking. He had listened, silent and devoted to the conversation, and then he’d asked questions. How long have you been polyamorous, how have you worked it into your last relationships, would you ever consider being in a strictly monogamous relationship for your partner? That last one worried Aiden, but after he explained that he wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that, Lambert smirked and said “good, don’t change for anyone.” And then they talked about ordering dessert.

It still felt weird to have Lambert know about his crush though. It had been eight months since that conversation and they were decidedly in love by now, had talked about moving in, even gotten a cat that lived at Aiden’s house while they were settling whether Lambert would move in or if they’d get a new apartment together (they were leaning toward the latter, so that the space felt like a fresh start for both of them). It felt like the first big test in their relationship; everything was going so smoothly, would this throw a wrench in their future together?

“Thinking about Jaskier?” Lambert said softly in his ear, and there was no judgement, no jealousy, just sympathy and support. Aiden nodded weakly.

“I know it’s...stupid. I shouldn’t want - I have you, don’t I?”

“Hmm.” Lambert pulled back and spun him around so they were facing each other. “Remember that first talk we had about you being polyamorous? You made it damn clear that you wouldn’t change for anyone and I don’t want you to. You like him, right?”

Aiden nodded again, his eyes trained somewhere around Lambert’s chest. But his boyfriend hooked a finger under his chin and lifted so he could look him in the eyes.

“And he likes you?”

Correct again. They’d talked about it, and Jaskier had talked to Geralt, and honestly the only one stalling was Aiden. He wasn’t normally this hesitant, but the idea of losing Lambert made him doubt himself. 

“Hmm?” Lambert prompted. Aiden cracked a small smile.

“Been spending too much time around Geralt, you’re starting to sound like him.”

“Piss off, kitten.” 

Aiden laughed now, the tension releasing from his shoulders. Only Lambert could be so lovingly snarky. Another thought occurred to him at that moment, and he couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Don’t you think it would be weird, me dating the boyfriend of a man you consider your brother?”

“Fuck, it’s completely weird. But I’ll get over it. Geralt doesn’t seem to mind. He likes you. Wouldn’t be surprised if he started hitting on you, too. Now that might cross a few lines.” They laughed together, Lambert’s hands still holding Aiden’s arms. It was a ridiculous notion; Geralt was mostly monogamous. The only one he looked at besides Jaskier was Yennefer, and it was because he’d met and fallen in love with them both around the same time. He had no intention of going outside that established bond. 

“So, is this going to turn into a...what’d you call it, polycule?”

Aiden smiled. “Yup! So long as you’re still okay with-” Lambert silenced him with a kiss. Their lips moved slowly, hands exploring each other, and Aiden felt like he was floating. He briefly wondered if this was how he’d feel kissing Jaskier too, or if this feeling would always be reserved for Lambert. As they pulled away, doe eyed and soft smiles, Lambert reached around to the counter and came back with Aiden’s phone.

“Call your soon-to-be boyfriend. Make a date. If I have to see you pining over a cherry pie one more time I’ll fuckin’ make it for you.” With one last kiss to Aiden’s forehead he turned around, pulled a beer from the fridge, and wandered off to watch tv. Aiden smiled and looked down at his phone and quickly dialed the number he knew by heart.

“Aiden,” came the voice from the other end, sounding relaxed and warm. It comforted Aiden’s nerves to know that Jaskier was just as happy to hear from him.

“Hello there, little lark.” Idly he stabbed his finger through the middle of the pie, ignoring the fact that it was definitely still too hot to do so, and sucked the cherry flavoring off his finger with a small popping noise. “I know you usually have movie night with Geralt on Fridays, but are you free Thursday night? I know a little place down by the river. Nice and quiet.”

Jaskier laughed, and when he spoke again his voice was filled with affection. “I think I can pencil you in.”

#aiden/jaskier #aiden x jaskier #lambden #my writing #jasken #witcher polycule au

[fairycosmos]

i hate grief bc i've wanted to die my whole life and thinking about the person i lost never wanted to make me stay but now that they are the ones who died i'm angry as fuck every day and feel trapped but i know that if it had been me the one to die it would have been ok and i wouldnt even have worried about it/hurting ppl with my death. like every day i do H and get drunk and i dont care about dying you know? but i lost someone and it makes me angry that THEY didnt care. do you get what i mean?

i am really really sorry for your loss. yeah. i know what you mean, at least to an extent. everyone’s grief and suffering is unique to them and the relationship they had with the one who passed, but i can relate so much to being trapped and mad and out of my mind. i think a lot of people can. it seems like so many of us are walking around half disillusioned by this existence and half completely done with it because of the shit we’ve been through. every day i feel a form of anger (most of the time it is cold and numbing) when i think about how my sister died. i have gone round and round in my head about why she did the things she did. because even if it wasn’t fully preventable, it wasn’t cancer or a car crash or anything like that. when i found out what she had in her system. god. i can not explain to you what that moment was like. it fucking choked me. all i remember is i felt my heart beating somewhere in my head, and i was PISSED. i thought i was going to pass out. because it’s like you said - she didn’t care, and that was almost like proof. she went to sleep thinking nothing of anything. mindless. after weeks of lecturing her, after her constant presence in my life, all that time. after years of her fucking around w other drugs and finally finding stability only to slip for less than a month bc of some fucking man, only to lose her entire life to a mistake - it’s inexplicable. i can sit here and write to you about it but i still cant’t fathom it. how she didn’t give a fuck, or she couldn’t see the situation clearly enough to. and now i’m living this forever without her. now i have to take care of my mother alone. now i’ve lost my best friend. and she lost everything. she was a whole person, she would’ve had years left and she deserved to. and the only reason she didn’t is because she couldn’t fuckin accept how much she was worth, how much life was worth so she gambled w death. what i’m saying is i understand that in a way, maybe a selfish way, i don’t know -  it almost feels mocking. because we’ll never know if they realize what they’ve done. after she died that’s all i could repeat out loud in the shower. i kept saying: you don’t know what you’ve done. idiot, stupid girl. shit like that. every time i tried to talk to her, it was a lecture. so yeah. it is very very normal to be pissed off and bitter dude. it is not easy or fair to be left behind. it’s all a normal part of grief. losing it entirely is the whole thing because honestly what else can you do.

i could be wrong but. unfortunately i think all of these emotions, in the context of you, stem from the fact that it is easier to care for others than it is to care about yourself. you’re not bothered about yourself dying because you don’t have the same love for yourself that you had for the one who passed. you don’t see yourself as important in that way. i don’t know what happened to make you feel like that. maybe whatever it was lead you to use drugs n alcohol to escape in the first place. maybe you think you not mattering is some sort of universal truth, but it’s not. it’s a belief you constructed either out of pain or as a trauma response that you’ve clung onto so much that you’ve convinced yourself it’s reality. it’s clear you’re going through an insurmountably difficult time, and i know words on a screen aren’t going to change that. i wont pretend to get it first hand. i just want you to know that the same way you wish your friend had realized the worth in their life before it was too late, that same anger born from frustration and sadness - that’s how a lot of people likely feel about you. and i know you don’t care about hurting them w your death because you don’t care about anything. your friend didn’t care, why should you, right? but that’s how the cycle perpetuates. and you’re the one who has to live with this all now, stuck here or not. try to periodically and consciously recognize how fucked up and permanent grief is. you don’t want to be the one to cause it. not really. not when you can see it for what it is and you have the option to prevent it. you are here no matter how much you wish not to be. you do deserve to find substantial peace, stability and good health while you still can. that’s non negotiable. even if it takes a fucking life time getting there.

i completely understand that it is all far easier said than done. that you have to be the one who is willing to reach out for help and to really stick w a plan but. i guess i just hope you know that the option will always be waiting for you when you are willing to seek it out. whether it’s through a hotline, rehab, your doctor, your friends and family, 2 hours without using or drinking. any step in the right direction is commendable. you are absolutely more resilient than you realize. more in general than you realize. you’ve had to deal with so much, just the most unimaginable things, and you’re still here. i know that’s because you feel you have no real choice in the matter, back to being trapped here. but nonetheless you’re making it. you can learn to treat yourself w the same regard that you treated your friend. you can learn to care about what happens to you. you can slowly make a home out of what you currently see as a jail.  through talking, through implementing healthier coping mechanisms into your daily life, through building a support system, through confronting and processing how much it hurts, through finding the clarity that comes with progress. all the things your brain wants you to write off. addiction and mental illness are genuine health concerns that require long lasting therapy and treatment just like any other ailment. and maybe the point is to learn to live with them, rather than to cure them entirely. but they are not a death sentence (and that is a good thing), and they are not the entirety of you. you are just currently very overwhelmed by them, understandably so.  excuse me if this is all sounds like naïve bullshit, but maybe some day you will be able to take some of it on board if you can’t right now. anyway, it sounds cliche as fuck, but every day that you’re alive you’re keeping your friend’s influence on this world alive too. you were shaped by them, in more ways than you realize. and they’re here in more ways than we realize too. not necessarily ghosts, at least imo. but just around. and in your head, in the universe. i am rooting for you so much and i hope you can accept that even if it all feels like lies, it’s ok to treat yourself w kindness. any attempt is good enough. sending a lot of love your way. please take care of yourself as much as possible. please consider your needs and your well being while you still have the choice to. sorry to go all 90s drug prevention ad on you btw, but u know me. i’m incapable of shutting up and minding my business abt this sort of thing lol

#tw drugs #tw addiction #tw death #tw overdose #tw suicide #anon

[hwrdak]

ok so u guys know season 5 ep 2 right. yea that episode fucking sucks ass. it’s the worst ep in the show. here’s why as written by a woc autistic bisexual

I want to talk a bit about the thought process behind entrapta. she is autistic and bisexual as confirmed by noelle, who has also said that she was based off of an autistic crew member. very funny how noelle doesn’t go into the specifics of the crew member considering the fact that they’re not even a crew member technically. they’re a story boarder that left during season 2 or 3 I believe. they had like,,, no impact on the actual writing, as none of the writers are autistic. no idea why noelle had to bring it up. or why they didn’t just confirm her autism beforehand. brownie points probably.

here’s the very big problem with the aftermath of this episode. entrapta has done awful things for the horde, and the princesses are right to be mad at that. the way they talk to her is degrading but they feel justified for doing it. however, how come it’s ONLY entrapta that this happens to? scorpia is great but other than being a prisoner, we never see her get scolded for her time in the horde. not even CATRA gets scolded for her war crimes. the princesses act as if entrapta just doesn’t care and throughout the episode, there’s a clear fact that they don’t want to bother actually talking to her or putting themselves in her pov. they pretty much left her to die, it’s not surprising that she got into the horde. but it’s very obvious that she wants to further their communication by helping them via tech and her special interest. however, mermista and the others do not use their brains and just go “yea she’ll probably go join prime lol” purely bc of her hyperfixation bc homophobia doesn’t exist but ableism sure as hell does. if ur neurotypical, let me be clear: we do not choose hyperfixations. our brain is wired to constantly think about them. the others do not consider this which is why it’s ableism. in all, there is a clear miscommunication issue with entrapta and the other princesses and it’s not entraptas fault. but the show sure as fuck tries to make it seem like it is indeed her fault and maybe she should’ve been more in touch with social cues and “””normal””” talk.

let’s focus more on entrapta for a second. it’s easy for US THE VIEWERS to say that she’s actually not the villain the princesses are making it out to be bc we’ve seen her journeys and her interactions. she grew up building robots to befriend. shes there for scorpia when she wants to talk and never turns her down. shes there for hordak when he’s questioning the dilemma of worth being wrongly tied to how perfect your actions are. entrapta doesn’t HAVE to do any of those things. but she really wants friends and wants to be a good one. I think what’s really special about the “imperfection is beautiful” scene is that she’s saying it’s okay to not be perfect and it’s okay to not exactly love or apply any kind of passed down ideology of what qualifies as perfect as a moral and ethical equivalent to the varying labels of life and what and what doesn’t make life itself worth living if no impact is being made that doesn’t satisfy the imaginary line of worthiness built on the digression of self love. hordak wants to hear that he’s perfect and that’s not what he gets. entrapta doesn’t tell him what he wants to hear, she tells him what he NEEDS to hear. bc entrapta deserves to know what it’s like to experience romance and the essence of chance meetings determined by the concept of fate. she knows what she needs and she never lets go. she doesn’t give up on anything, even after she thought she trusted catra. she forgave her and she never stopped believing in hordak. scorpia defected from the horde to be a good friend, as did hordak. she didn’t tell scorpia to go after her. she didn’t tell hordak to ditch prime. entraptas impact doesn’t need to be heavily interpreted with some kind of moral and ethics book. it’s good that people understand where she’s coming from in terms of her moral compass but maybe we don’t have to. it’s great that the crystal she gave hordak says luvd bc thats everything abt entrapta. the only thing that ever needed to be understood about entrapta is that she loves the things she holds to her so much and wants them to love her back. love varies upon all our meanings but I think entrapta does represent a very pure and meaningful direction of love, and that depends on how long your imaginary line of worth is. entrapta threw it away with love. different circumstances make u stay and hold on to things.

anyways episode 2 took whatever I just said and fuckin axe body sprayed it. the overlaying message of that dumpster fire is that entrapta just learned that her actions are bad and she should feel bad bc she was just incapable of not understanding the importance of friendship and doing what’s right until she got put on a leash and got her hair pulled like a billion times. she doesn’t even get an apology. bc apparently everything wrong that’s happened in that ep is all her fault and we’re all supposed to relate to the neurotypical abeist thought process of the princesses.

let me be very clear. ENTRAPTA NEVER NEEDED TO LEARN HOW TO DO GOOD AND BE BETTER. the very fact that the show insinuates that she actually needed to learn a lesson in actually helping people, which is something she’s been doing throughout the ENTIRE show, is bullshit. she’s a grown ass fucking woman. she knew what she was doing. and with the rebellion she wants to do better bc she’s aware she’s been wrong. she’s ALWAYS known that she’s different and can’t properly help with others outside of her expertise but apparently some of u will self combust at the thought of an autistic woman not being a child and not having to learn lessons through literal ableism. this isn’t the only time this has happened. autistic characters in shows often get surrounded by a negative stigma of ableism in order for their character to progress in any way. if u honestly think that it was good that entrapta had to risk her life to save glimmer to prove a point that she does care, ok. but don’t tell me it’s well written bc it’s all riddled with ableism. she’s been handling friendship well throughout the show and the s5 narrative completely ignores it. hell the episode is so triggering I can barely watch it without feeling nauseous.

tl;dr entrapta is the best character in the show who is very aware of friendship/doing the right thing and the episode didn’t know how to properly handle an autistic character without pandering to neurotypicals and this is the result.

#if u actually read that 4th paragraph good bc i spent a lot of brain power on it #spop #entrapdak #entrapta #long post #ableism tw #tw ableism #if an allistic gives me a stupid ass comment i wont read it

[walpurga-nacht-academy]

Djinn’s Bride! ~A Celebration of Love~

Part 4

[Walpurga Nacht Academty]

[Prefect Meeting Room]

Rosa: [cough] Is- [cough] Is this for real?!

Cass: [cough] Th-There’s- [cough] so much smoke in here! My- [cough] My eyes are burning…

Agatha: [cough] Annoying… [cough]

Blanche: Wait- [cough] the smoke is clearing. 

Diana: …

Rosa: E-EH?! Isn’t- Isn’t that a-

Diana: A djinn.

Rosa: He-He’s huge!! And is that smoke?!

Blanche: Djinns are elementals that take the form of smoke to facilitate easier travel. They do not have a body per se, but they are still capable of interacting with the material world.

Marcia: …

Rosa: Isn’t that kinda like cheating?!

June: HEY!! YOU SHITTY GHOUL! WHY ‘HE ‘ELL YA GONE AND DID ‘HAT, HUH?!

Vita: Hm~? My apologies, beanstalk. It seems that I am incapable of understanding that horribly awkward accent of yours. Perhaps speaking less like a swine might help, hm~?

June: YOU FUC-

[ROAR]

[GROUND SHAKING]

Cass: Eek!

Rosa: Woah, woah, woah! Wh-what’s going on?!

Blanche: Th-The noise!!

Diana: … Ugh.

June: It’s too fuckin’ loud!!

Vita: My~ What a great pair of lungs this creature has at his disposal~

June: Don’t ya smile, ya freak!

Agatha: Don’t… threaten… Big… Sis… !!

June: Haaaaaa?! Ya want to get pummeled, ya shit?! Outta my way ‘fore I-

Rosa: I-It stopped! 

Blanche: … Finally.

Cass: Mi-Miss Dion! Are you alright?! Um, you suddenly collapsed-

Blanche: I’m fine, Cassandra. No need to worry. It was merely the noise.

Cass: Th-That’s such good news to hear!

Rosa: Eh? Diana? Are you ok? You’re holding your head.

Diana: Mm. Just wasn’t expecting that. But now it’s fine. I got it memorized.

Rosa: Me-Memorized? Huh? 

Diana: Mm.

Rosa: … I-I don’t really get it, but you seem to have things under control! Still, that roar really freaked me out. Seriously, what the hell is up with that lamp, Marcia? You just said it wasn’t magic, but then it suddenly started spouting smoke and now this djinn came out? That’s way too- Marcia? Marcia? Hey! Are you listening to me? HEY!

Marcia: … [mumble]

Rosa: Huh? What was that?

Marcia: … a djinn…

Rosa: Eh? Don’t tell me you’re just realizing it?!

Marcia: It’s a djinn!!

Rosa: Ye-Yeah! I noticed! So what are we-

Marcia: AND I WASN’T THE ONE WHO SET IT FREE!

Rosa: .... Huh…?

Marcia: Shit! I can’t believe I missed a chance like this?! Aaaaaaaah!! This is so frustrating!!

Rosa: …

Marcia: Senpai, switch with me!! I’ll give you anything you want in exchange for that lamp!! Name your price! I’m begging you!

Rosa: SHE ACTUALLY DID IT! SHE’S PROSTRATING HERSELF ON THE GROUND! HAVE SOME DIGNITY AT LEAST, MARCIAAAAAAA!

Marcia: You moron!! Dignity means nothing in the face of such things! I’m throwing it all away! So, please, senpai!

Vita: Oh my~ How exciting~ To see you kneel before me like that certainly sends a shiver down my spine~

Agatha: Hehehehehehehe… dumb… chowder… finally… learned… its… place… Hehehehehehe!

Marcia: That’s right! That’s right! I’m just dumb, lowly chowder that should be trampled over! Oh, great senpai! Great sinister presence! I’m not worthy to stand before you! So, please, just the lamp and I’ll be gone!

Cass: Mi-Miss Pyroeis!

June: HEEEEEEY! YA DUMBASS STAND UP! THE ‘ELL YA DOIN’?!

Marcia: SHUT IT! 

June: ?!

Marcia: I’m not letting this sort of opportunity pass me by! Those wishes are gonna be mine!

June: … Ya really askin’ for a beatin’, ain’tcha? ‘Hat’s fine by me.

Cass: Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Miss Himalia! Ple-Please don’t fight right now, um!

June: Don’t hold me back, Cass! I’ll pummel ‘his one and ‘hen the shitty ghoul’s next!

Vita: My, you certainly are like an enraged bull. Not surprising, considering your level of intelligence~

June: YA BI-

Diana: ENOUGH.

All: !!!

Cass: Mi-Miss Arrow…

Marcia: Di-Diana…

Diana: Vita. June. Fighting among ourselves makes us better targets.

June: …

Vita: …

Diana: We have other problems now.

Djinn: Oh? You’re talking about me? Yeah, I think you’re talking about me. About time, I’ll say! You really took your time getting me in this story, didn’t you?

Blanche: Story? Just what-

Djinn: But nevermind that! It’s all water over the bridge! Or water under the bridge? You know, I can never keep these things straight at all! You’d guess 100,000 years in a lamp would make you better at remembering stuff, but let me tell you, it sure doesn’t! Hahahahahaha!

Cass: Um…

Djinn: A-ny-way~ Can’t tell you all how glad I am to be finally out of that thing! I mean sure, the place’s great and all, and the landlord’s a real sweetheart - handsome, to boot too, not wanting to brag - but the room service sucked since you have to do everything yourself! Get it, ‘cause you’re all alone in there?

Rosa: …

Djinn: Wow, tough crowd tonight, isn’t it? What, a kappa sucked out your sense of humor? HA! Kappa joke! Get it?! Hilarious, right?

Diana: …

Djinn: Yeesh. Got a warmer reception by the Moss Fairies up in the Mountains. HA! Though let me tell you those girls can partaaaaaay! Wooo, most fun I had that entire century!

Agatha: … Annoying.

Djinn: Woah, woah, woah! That was seriously rude! Didn’t your parents teach you better? I sure hope you’re not the one who summoned me if you’re just gonna act like that. Speaking about that~

Rosa: Woah! Way too close!

Cass: Eek!

Djinn: Which one of you loooooovely ladies just so happened to wake me up from my nap, hm?

Rosa: Eh? Ah, that was…

Marcia: SENPAI! PLEASE! I REST AT THE FEET OF YOUR GLORIOUS SELF AND BEG FOR MERCY!

Vita: Oh, if ‘tis be the case… Hm~ Very well~

Diana: …

Blanche: You’re just going to hand it over like that?

Vita: What a distrustful gaze~ Do you think me so heartless that I would viciously ignore such an earnest cry?

Agatha: Big… Sis… is… really… kind… hehehehehehe...

Rosa: Aaah, that’s somehow really hard to picture…

Agatha: That’s… because… the… amoeba’s... brain… is… too… small...  

Rosa: Why-

Marcia: YAHOOOOO! Alright, alright, alright! After everything that happened… all the hardship… all the hard work… I’m finally getting my well-earned reward! Aaaah, it’s like I’m floating with overflowing happiness~

Rosa: She’s definitely gone…

Blanche: It seems so…

Marcia: Djinn!

Djinn: Hm? What’s up?

Marcia: Yo-You’re kinda more informal than I imagined… But nevermind that! You asked about your master, didn’t you?! Well, here she stands!

Djinn: Oh? It’s you? 

Rosa: Hey, is it just me or does this guy sound kinda disappointed?

Djinn: Hm~ I was hoping it would be that buxom, long haired one over there, but I guess a tomboy with short hair works well too~

Marcia: A-Ah, the standards for Masters are kinda… Uh, nevermind! I’ll have my three wishes now, please! First, I want a super huge vault filled with money that keeps filling up no matter how much you take out of it! Next, I want a potion that can cure any ailment in existence and give you eternal health! Then, I want-

Djinn: Oh, about that… No can do.

Marcia: Hu-Huh?! What do you mean “No can do”?! You’re a djinn, right?! You fulfill your Master’s wishes, don’t you?! 

Djinn: Well, normally, yeah…

Marcia: Then what’s the problem?! I’m your Master, aren’t I?!

Djinn: Hm, I guess I have to settle for you… But, you’re wrong about the wish-granting thing.

Marcia: … What? 

Djinn: Sure, us, djinn, usually do that sort of stuff. Granting wishes. Making people rich. Getting them the date of their dreams… However, I’ve decided to leave all that behind!

Marcia: …

Djinn: It’s all become so passe, you know? It’s more the stuff your grandparents would do, and I’m just not about that. So, I said screw it. After all, you’ve only got an eternity, right? Why waste it on a soul-crushing job? 

Marcia: …

Rosa: Mm, is it just me or is he making sense here?

Blanche: Rosalia…

Djinn: That’s it! You get it, strawberry shortcake! I gotta be a free man! Make my own choices!

Blanche: Is that so… ?

Djinn: Oh, yeah! That’s why I decided to pursue comedy instead!

Rosa: Eh?! Really?! Me too!

Djinn: No way! Guess it was fate that brought us together, cutie pie!

Rosa: Eh! Th-That’s way too close!

Djinn: So, tell me a little about yourself! What do you like to do? Besides being drop dead gorgeous~!

Rosa: Ugh!

Agatha:... Gross.

Vita: My~ It seems that our dear acquaintance fancies himself a bit of a charmer~

Marcia: …. No way.

Vita: Hm~?

Marcia: No way…

Cass: Mi-Miss Pyroeis? 

Marcia: NO WAAAAAAAAY!

Cass: Eek!

Blanche: !!!

Djinn: Hm?

Marcia: You’ve got to be kidding me! What kind of twisted joke is this, huh?! To have the rug pulled from beneath my feet just when I was about to reach the promised paradise! What sort of being would take such pleasure in this cruelty?!

Vita: Fufu.

Djinn: Hey, hey, girlie! I feel like that is a dig at me, ain’t it?

Marcia: Dig?! This is more a questioning of your entire existence! If you were just planning on being useless from the beginning then why’d you even come out of that lamp, huh?!

Blanche: Marcia! Calm down.

Marcia: I refuse to! This sort of trauma can’t be overlooked just like that! Aaaah! I’ve never wanted to become more like the paint on the walls than now!

Blanche: She’s completely stopped making any sense…

Djinn: Woah, just chill, won’t you? Can’t believe I’m getting a reception like this from my own Master. Talk about bad management, huh? Sure, you ain’t getting those wishes. But who cares?

Marcia: I do!! I very much do!! It’s my whole reason for existing! Now I’m just a spineless jellyfish carried by currents! What’s the point in even existing like this, huh?!

Cass: Mi-Miss Pyroeis!

Djinn: Yeesh. That’s a bit over dramatic… Listen here girlie, you’re not getting those wishes. You’re getting something even better!

Marcia: … Huh? Really?

Djinn: Oh yeah! Drum Rolls please!!

[Drum Rolls]

Djinn: You’re getting the ultimate, most coveted, chance of a lifetime opportunity ooooooooof…

MARRYING ME!

Marcia: … Eh… ?

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH?

back | next

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland fanschool #walpurga nacht academy #rosalia morgainne #blanche dion #marcia pyroeis #june himalia #diana arrow #cassandra delphinne #agatha voisin #vita dies #twisute #twist #twisute oc #twist oc #wna event #djinn's bride

[littlebabycrybtch]

bro..... im sooo tired of ppl being whiny freaks about ppl liking fictional shit ‘~too much~’. like bitches are literally fully convinced if you prefer acting out certain ideas in fiction but not irl, thats not your normal preferential boundaries but rather your brain is a mental illness BOMB and you need to be fucking hospitalized for being imaginative and having autonomy. like yall if its not taboo or smth shut uuuuhp man you’re not ‘concerned for their health�� or w/e you’re fully just tryna get away with being a nihilistic asshole who lacks sympathetic reasoning skills. listen to me. fiction is valuable. the thoughts we have on it are important. the personal lack of value you happen to put on a media is next to worthless. its not a fuckin waste of time dude, creators are people, who live in the real world, they experience it and have ideas through it and about it, they form and tweak their ideas while still definitely existing in the real world, and then put that back into the world with a new angle and new perspective, to share with other people definitely encountering it in , you guessed it , the real world. thats not disconnected. its not nothing. these things do not magically appear from fairytale land, they are created. stories mean smth, people tell them for a reason, its ok to feel smth for any story, why would we even tell them if not with the intention to impact others emotionally somehow i mean??? fiction does not Just affect reality, it is valuable to real life society, it is a functioning thriving part OF reality. 

humans have told stories since the dawn of our existence. it is literally all but an inherent species trait for us to imagine things, its tied to each and every one of us, and to reject ‘fantasy’ as smth worthless to human life is frankly just fuckin wrong and weird of you. bitch we are Supposed to get outside the box, the fandom ppl you cringe your pants over arent thinking abt fake shit too much, you guys very often just arent exercising abstract thought and imagination enough, which actually hurts your ability to engage with it critically in all the ways its meant to be. if you dont see the value in fiction its because you put in no effort to form the analysis skills. in other words, you idiots dont get the hype bc you’re too stupid to get how you're supposed to compare a book to the real world it came from. ‘uu but cmon not everythings valuable what about [tumblr designated cringe media]-’ 1. ok! somehow you havent come to this conclusion yourself yet but thats not real, whatever ppl get to enjoy is not all abt you, your bias means less than dirt to others outside of hivemind social medias, you can keep it to yourself, ppl shouldnt care about it bc it means nothing outside of ur own space, its literally funny to me that you’re so elitist you want me to cater my interests to you, Your Standard Of Quality Isnt Universal, 2. ranking the values of fiction is the waste of time here, if you compare mlp to pride and prejudice ill dissect your teeth, different emotional impacts from tragic to funny to Just A Vibe are all able to be assessed as ‘valuable to somebody else so leave well enough alone’ if you dont have 2010+ funnyman brainrot disease that makes you incapable of reflecting on anything you can find a way to joke abt first.

i mean seriously like. whenever randos start engaging with medias you ppl dont like or in ways you dont get, the strawmans yall make up to get to be cringe culture vultures abt such benign shit, and almost Always at the expense of neurodivergent people with a deeply rooted undertone of extreme ableism might i add..... its just so selfish. u have a brain ok, you’re manipulative but we both know you dont Actually think ppl automatically default to being a waifu obsessed incel rotting away at their basement computer, stagnating their social skills and straying further and further from reality with each passing day, a poor disturbed wretch that you just HAVE to save from themselves, all bc they say they. prefer fictional porn or w/e to having sex irl. buddy thats not a big deal, theyre normal, just different from you. theyre fine, you’re just uncomfortable. as a functioning adult you’re gonna have to try and recognize that sometimes that feelings gonna be 100% on you, and you cant always just lie abt the validity of it to make ppl feel obligated into agreeing with you. this is gonna be one fragment of their personhood and your self obsessed brain imploding over how unrelatable that is doesnt fucking matter, grow up bitch like. how detached do you have to be to think thats so unstable or morally wrong.... its just a completely inconsequential preferential decision that only affects them and isnt a wrong choice at all cuz nobody has to get their dick wet if they dont wanna for any reason ever and thats gotta be that tbh.... and it kills me cuz they still inherently experience the real world and are capable of thinking abt it critically,,, even tho they... masturbate to drawings or w/e the fuck ppl think is unhealthy ???? like? imagination is just fun we dont need to moderate it anymore than we moderate other fun activities i mean lol ksdjfsd this is the DEFINITION of ‘just vibing’ no one FUCKING cares and it deosnt fucking matter the way you desperately try to make ppl think it does just so u get to be loud abt ur shortcomings as a decent understanding person. 

‘uuuuuu im sorry but thats unhealthy :///’ you sound like a goddamn maniac dude stories are not unhealthy having feelings abt them is not unhealthy thinking some anime bitch that was DRAWN TO BE HOT , IS HOT, is not UNHEALTHY and you clowns arent convincing anybody you ‘care’ abt that concept anyways !! im losign my mind here skdlsdfsd medias are literally DESIGNED TO DO THIS TO PEOPLE... WE’RE SUPPOSED TO FEEL THINGS FOR IT.... IT IS WHAT MAKES THE ART WE’VE TAKEN PART IN FOR CENTURIES, “ART”.... ITS JUST... HAVING IDEAS AND EXPERIENCING IMAGINATION..... whats wildly unhealthy actually is yalls toxic obsession with ‘harsh truth’ and validating your stupid ass cwinge feewings to the point where everything that gives your underdeveloped selfish ass hives has to be a matter of health and morals and whats ‘best’ for everyone. u dont know that shit!!!! ur a petty brat and im not ur mommy ok i wont baby you so u dont feel like the shitty whiny person you are, you need to grow and do better and think outside urself already, dont put the responsibility of making u feel right for judging somebodies benign hobbies on me. i wont bc its wrong and unnecessary. you’re not a savior no ones falling for that lmao you’re just a bitch girl xoxo get over it shit truly does not matter. let them write nsfw self insert fics instead of banging !! 

to make it real do yall really not Get that basic consent kinda doesnt just mean ‘no when im not in the mood at the time’ but it means ‘no if i just dont fuckin feel like having sex ever for literally any reason at all bc i choose what i do’ and pressuring them, even with what your warped brain translates as the best of intentions, is inherently disgusting? especially with the ‘i know how to help you’ attitude like......... ohhh die soonly ew lmao! lay off this nasty shit already please it doesnt matter! stop trying to make it matter!! its not hurting you or them you stupid tumblr phd ass!! and like again yeah some media shits just truly gross but tbr now its like even That kind of shit, the Real social issues caused by Actually problematic media that ppl should discuss Genuinely without ulterior motives, is being used more and more rampantly as just a stepping stone to get to the needless mockery of other harmless things in the media they want an excuse to bag on.......... like a bitch cant just be grown and talk about problems at face value without getting a bully jab in. smhhhhh you all fuckin suck please just stop talking already. so anyways yeah being attracted to fictional characters instead of real people or w/e IS funny, funny how many boyfriends they have when u have none xoxo theyre having fun and you can die sad abt it they get to die 5 times in an angsty fantasy fic and be brought back with mouth to mouth by fuckin kakashi every time and then they go get lunch irl while ur updating tinder bitch ... different fucking strokes ig !

#long post// #i would like one free ticket to pop off please. thank you #can i cash it in immediately if you dont mind

[slaygentford]

I'm the same anon who asked you about normal people. Now I'm going to find out if you hate something else I love: the leftovers?

hello I’m fucking obsessed w the leftovers. haven’t read the book but saw the show. i love it bc 1) it’s fucking nuts and does that thing I keep trying and failing to describe which is like, where things kind of spiral out of control and go nuts, often in realtime? you know the last 20 min of goodfellas or like, the end of the lighthouse? like that. in all my 25 years of study I've never run into a specific word to describe that. but the leftovers did that a lot and I loved it. 2) it’s literally just about grief and I have a whole essay on this which I’m going to give now. so when someone you love dies, and i’m talking here like immediate family like not a peripheral death but the kind of death that fucks you up, forever, you feel like the whole world should end, but it doesn’t end, and that’s the source of a lot of like, anger and confusion. but in the leftovers the world kinda does end because of the sheer NUMBER of sudden losses. and that like, somehow tapped into this VERY specific feeling without directly addressing or naming that feeling. like, it did it via analogy. and that blew my fuckin mind, how it did that so deftly. and also just the title makes me insane, because it’s directly opposing the language we usually hear: survivors, etc. cuz you dont FEEL like that. you feel like you’re leftover, that you’re somehow the one discarded. 

now I WILL clarify that like. with sally rooney, I don’t really have any actual critical thoughts, because my reaction to her based on my personal life and how I just...don’t like or relate to her was visceral enough to turn me off from engaging (too much) critically. and it’s so funny you ask about the leftovers because I have an equal but OPPOSITE visceral response to it, also because of my lived experience, which also stops me from engaging in it critically cuz I just spent the whole time watching it ugly crying. so truly you are getting like, PURE id from me here, with specifically these two pieces of media. you like, picked the two media things that I am literally incapable of having critical thoughts about. fuck! like I can’t give you sally rooney analysis beyond “that bitch is rich and white and annoys me” and I can’t give you a leftovers analysis beyond “yeah that’s grief alright” so. IN CONCLUSION: head empty

[xellshun]

DXM

So here’s a little something I like to talk about from time to time. For starters, I am a sociopath, if you don’t know what that is then look it up if you want because it’s a lot to explain. But let’s just say this means I’m incapable of feeling things like empathy, remorse, guilt, and shame.

So with the fact that I am emotionally and mentally colder than normal people, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel other negative feelings. With that being said I have gone through my fair share of drug and alcohol abuse and over the years there was one drug that just seemed to solve everything that my disorder couldn’t. For some, it’s meth, for others, it’s pain pills, and for some, it’s alcohol. I’ve tried basically everything, I’ve even tried drugs that don’t have names yet. But there was one drug that just stood out from the rest.

The drug has many names and terms associated with it - Tripple C’s, Robo Tripping, The Poor Man’s PCP, and so on... But for me, I stuck with the simple name - DXM.

Before I share my story I do NOT condone the use of this substance and will encourage anyone reading this to steer clear of it. The purpose of this is just to share my story.

I won’t ramble on about when my abuse started or why I began abusing it. This is more focused on the experience itself. SO! DXM stands for dextromethorphan. What is it? Easy, it’s cough medicine. Yeah, childish right? Well for me it didn’t matter and what makes this drug so dangerous is the fact that you can buy it anywhere without a script, it’s extremely cheap, it’s not illegal, and doesn’t show up in drug tests...

I won’t go about giving details about the unique routine I perfected over the years to get high off of this drug because I don’t want anyone reading this to copy it and end up fucking killing themselves or anyone else. Not that I give a shit but I won’t have that coming back on me. I will also not be mentioning dosage amounts, what brands I used, where exactly to get them, or how much this stuff costs. But what I will go into detail about is the high itself, what I felt, and what it was like. And if, for some reason, YOU decide to try this shit. Do it at your own risk. I used my own body as a test rat before I figured out exactly how to achieve my desired high without causing myself or others harm and I’m fucking LUCKY for that...

So let’s begin:

Stage one - The preparation dosage. I would always start out by eating a well balanced meal, making sure I had a means of getting fresh water, accessibility to a bathroom in case I got sick, a way of calling for help if needed, and I always made sure to seclude myself. I would then begin dosing up. Taking so many at a time on a strict schedule over the course of 30 minutes. After that I would wait for the first plateau of the high to take hold. The first stage is pretty mild. The first effects you’ll feel are a mild form of numbness throughout your body, your lips will begin to tingle, your vision will begin to become slightly blurred, and you’ll feel an overall sense of euphoric calmness. Once this stage was finished I would proceed with the next. But This stage was a must. Taking more than what my routine called for too quickly would cause me to get sick which would ruin the high. The goal of this stage was to push my body far enough under the influence that my stomach would then be unable to feel the fact that I was overdosing on a substance it would recognize as poison.

Stage two - The waves of calmness. Over the next hour or so I would slowly begin taking waves of this medicine in quantities that amount to half, equal to, or times 1 and 1/2 as much as the first dosage. How I felt as each wave kicked in would determine how much I would take on the next. This would be enough to take me to a level of intoxication between the second and third plateau of the high in a couple hours with the climax of the high hitting around hour 3. At this level I would feel a physical numbness in my skin equal to what you would feel on a high dose of pain pills. At this stage I would also experience my favorite part, the emotional and mental numbness. It wouldn’t matter how I was feeling before I would get high, it would feel as if every negative feeling inside my heart and mind would just slowly fade. Just imagine in. Imagine that no matter what discomfort you are feeling. This high will make it all go away, leaving you in a state of harmony... Along with that, this is the point where visual and auditory hallucinations begin to kick in. They were never anything scarry, nightmarish, or anything that would cause me to go out and randomly attack someone because I though they were lizard people. No, hallucinations are actually very timid and for me, amusing. I remember a time I was outside at 2am having a smoke, I looked off into the distant fields near the park and track just beyond my yard. And I remember seeing fireworks flying into the air just passed the tree line about 200 yards away. They didn’t look like normal fireworks and there was no sound. If you’ve ever watched the first Lord of The Rings movie where Gandalf is shooting off fireworks in the shire, it was similar to that, they looked like they were alive. A lot of my hallucinations were filled with lights that appeared without a source, they would dance and zip around the room like bugs and would even form the shapes of tiny people who would wave at me. Another common hallucination is what I like to call “sand people.” It’s where I would stare into space and right before my eyes, particles and clumps of colored sand would appear in front of me. They would move around slowly forming all kinds of shapes. If I wanted them to vanish I would just shake my head and let them reappear. So at this point, the high was overall very calming, there was no pain, no fear, no stress, no anxiety, no depression, no sadness... It was just pure... Peace... For each person I imagine the things you see and hear will be different, but these are just examples of the “pros” of the high for me.

Stage three - Beyond the safe zone. As you can probably guess, there is a fourth plateau. This level of the high is where it can become frightening and possibly even life threatening. BUT I’ve gone to and far beyond this level. There were only a handful of times where I considered calling an ambulence but never did. Not because I wanted to die, but because I was in such a messed up state of mind I just said “fuck it.” Anyways, so during these days where I decided to send my soul to a parallel universe I was, thankfully, alone because at this point the side effects become so intense that it’s impossible to hide the fact that you are CLEARLY fucked up on something. During the second and third plateau you’ll start to experience dificulties walking and talking, much like you would with alcohol but it is slightly different. Anyways, at and beyond the fourth plateau these side effects become very strong. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to slowly crawl to the bathroom because I couldn’t walk. Not only do you become very physically impaired but at this point you will begin to loose your grip on reality. The hallucinations will become so powerful that you will experience temporary fits of delirium and psychosis. Yes, I’m serious.. For me it was like having a messed up dream that made no sense but I was wide awake and watching it play before my eyes but I was also inside the dream outside my own body... This made everything very confusing and often times I would also go through moments where my brain would race so fast that I couldn’t focus on anything... Literally. I called this side effect “The Haze.” Things would only get worse too. Slowly I would start to feel my bodily functions just... Turn off... Like I was breathing and alive but only with the most basic functions. I called this stage “Zombie Mode” because it was pretty much a mode where the lights are on upstairs but no ones home. Ready for the frightening side effects? Yeah, haven’t got there yet... Imagine you get your body and mind so far under the influence of this drug that one of your eyes LITERALLY AND ACTUALLY shuts off temporarily. Yes, this is a very real side effect that I have witnessed, temporary fucking blindness... Oh, how about uncontrollable muscle spasms that are so random and strong that it literally feels like invisible people are grabbing you and shaking your limbs? Or how about if every time you try to move, your muscles are so disfunctional that it actually feels like you have dead meat inside of you, just sitting there, weighing you down. Not only this but the hallucinations can, at this point, become nightmarish. For me, I was so used to it that I always just closed my eyes, covered my ears and would tell myself “It’s just the drugs, it’s just the drugs, it’s not real, don’t freak out, just let it wear off!” And I can’t even begin to tell you how confused and delusional you become at this point. At this stage it becomes a battle of mind over matter. So unless your pretty fearless like me, this stage might cause real harm... So yeah, it kind of feels like your body is slowly shutting down and dieing underneath you without the pain or suffering. It’s a side effect called “Ego Death.” The only GOOD part about this stage is that the physical, emotional, and mental numbess are still present and very strong. So a lot of times I was still very unmoved by what was happening to my body. This is a level I do not like to go to because of the negative side effects. The small amount of times that I did reach this point was for one simple reason, I was just too high to know any better before hand and took too much too fast. Oh and guess what else? You can’t have sex on this drug. Men can’t achieve erections, women can’t get wet, and neither can reach orgasm. At least not without the help of other drugs. So don’t plan on fuckin’ while you trip out on this shit... And let’s not forget the come down!... It’s not that bad, haha. There’s no hangover waiting for you after the come down too. The come down is just very slow, you’ll feel your bodily functions start to turn back on, things will become more clear, the feeling in your skin will come back in the form of a tingling feeling, your inner organs will start to become warm (yes you can feel it). You’ll have waves of what feels like...(How do I describe this)... Ever seen the Poltergiest movies? I think it’s one of those... A scene where someone is pulled from the fucking ghost dimension from a portal covered in fucking slime? Yeah, kind of feels like that. I call it the “Rebirth” stage. And yes, you will sweat out layers of the drug. It will be a cold and abnormally thick sweat though... Hence the slime reference. BUT at the end of the road, no hang over, no headaches, no upset stomach, you just... Go back to normal. Often times I go into a deep sleep for 12 hours and wake up feeling at 120%. So I guess you could say the come down could be both negative and positive? Depending on your opinion? For me the come down was very soothing so I never hated it..

So that’s just a glimpse into what I was going through for what was about 4 years. Those four years happening during the development of my disorder, ASPD, as well.

So why did I do it? Besides the fact that it was readily available, cheap, legal, and untraceable.... It was the mental and emotional numbness that I fell in love with... It’s not that the drug was bringing me any one type of feeling... It was the drug taking all my feelings away and allowing an overwhelming sense of peace and calmness over take me. It was my escape from reality. My way out. It was like mentally getting into a rocket ship and just blasting off into space on an adventure in my head. In fact, often times I would simply follow my own rules, get high, sit myself down in front of my TV and play video games. I would get immersed in the games and forget about the struggles of real life...

Oh and just another fair warning for you all. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT EVER mix this shit with ANY other substance, especially alcohol!! I promise you it will end badly, trust me, I would know...

So what the fuck does this have to do with my disorder and the fact that I’m a sociopath? It was just another way of completing myself. I already have a lack of many emotions due to my disorder, so for me, it was finishing myself off. Making myself completely void of any and all emotion.

Do I think this drug had any kind of effect on making my disorder worse?.. It’s possible. But their were many factors that caused my disorder to get worse over the course of the last 7 years since it started to develope. So it’s hard to tell.

Do I think this drug has caused any permanent damage to me in any way? That I’m not so sure about either. I’ve done my own research on this drug and there just isn’t alot of solid information on it because this isn’t a drug that is commonly brought up when you think of individuals suffering from substance abuse. It’s just not up there on the high ranks along side substances like opiates, stimulants, and alcohol.

So what kind of drug is DXM anyways? It’s what’s known as a dissociative anesthetic hallucinogen and is commonly compared to hard drugs such as PCP and Acid. Does this mean when you take cold medicine you could get high on accident? No. At proper dosages cold medicine acts as a cough supressent. You have to overdose greatly in order for it to act as a hallucinogen.

Am I still currently using this drug? Yes, but very rarely. I only use it when I know 100% I can do it safely, without being noticed, without hurting myself or anyone else. And since I am currently on probation with just one month left and also attending counseling... Well let’s just say I keep this shit strictly to myself and do it very secretly. The last thing I want is to end up back in jail. So don’t be concerned, you don’t have to worry about the possibility of a sociopathic guy running around town high off his ass in the middle of the night... Do I want to stop? Yeah of course. Relying on a fucking drug to feel “okay” kind of fucking sucks. Will I stop? I don’t know... Only time will tell...

So.. Is it addictive? Yes and no. Not in the same way that heroin and meth are. You won’t get withdrawal symptoms after coming off of it...

It’s more of an addiction to the “lack there of” when it comes to your emotions and mentality...

It doesn’t give you what you want, it takes away what you don’t want...

And for me, during my darkest hours of life, that is exactly what I crave...

#sociopath #aspd #drugs #addiction

[suffering-and-happy-about-it]

Mount Everest Ain't Got Shit On Us (Fezco x Fem!reader, part 12.)

Description: You were always told that your life will be as you wish it to be if you’ll study enough. That it will pay off if you work hard. And some people were given you like a scary example of what will happen when you don’t obey. But sometimes it feels good to disobey.

A/N: This is a situation that basically happens every time I hang out w/my fellas and ex-boyfriend.

Warnings: The Green Luck.

Word Count: 1.2 K

Read the rest here, babe:  PART 1  PART 2  PART 3  PART 4  PART 5  PART 6  PART 7  PART 8  PART 9  PART 10  PART 11

Masterlist and declaration: H E R E

Tagging: @charmed-asylum, @jeyramarie, @pantherxrogers, @analia-analia-analia

Every minute, every single second, someone does something for the first time in their lives. It's almost fascinating when you realize that is exactly how many people there are in this world.

Right now, when you're reading this small paragraph, a baby who was born just started breathing. Somebody started to attend yoga classes. Another person is trying to smoke their first cigarette, somebody else is living for the first time because of ecstasy, high as a kite on some sofa at a party in the living room. Another person went with their partner to therapy. A woman got beaten up by her man and she's trying to reason with her own mind.

There are just so many things that are happening in one particular moment and when you realize that, your mind is surely swayed away. You feel like a small ant in such a big ant nest.

Even you had your first times that needed to be tried and broken down. And at the moment you didn't like Rue's sudden burst of energy. That surely was her body's last hurray before death. Or just an addict's happiness from taking a hold on some drugs. Those were probably two exact things.

“Man, just don't be fuckin' afraid, alrite? I will tell ya what ya should do.” - She looked you in the eyes. The thoughts about murder crossed your mind in a million ways. Rue could be so stubborn and persistent it was fucking you up at times. - "I see ya smokin' occasionally on parties and shit and this is just the same, girl."

She was waving her palm with her fingers holding a joint. Rue just confidently invited you over at her house when Leslie and Gia left the town. Of course that the crazy bitch had to buy some pot. And she bought it from Fezco, of course. And that dumbass was right next to you. Fez and Rue were capable of amazing co-working skills when Rue wanted to.

And they talked you down, accompanied by Fran and Jules, to try weed. You were really under pressure. For the very first time ever. They loosened you up with vodka and then it was your time for the big thing.

"Ma little sis ready to fuckin' try the green luck. Oh, girl, I'm so proud." - Fran spoke from somewhere under the bad, because she had a few shots five minutes before that and she was really done for after just those few ones. She declared that she's seeing the ceiling move and for the last minutes, she just laid there. - "Holy fuck, dat us some fuckin' great material Fez."

"Oh yea sis, dat shit is somethin'." - Rue giggled all of a sudden. You leaned into Fezco's chest, just nuzzling into there and took the joint. It smelled terrible, but that smoke's taste was really strange. The first shot was just gross, it almost made you cough. It tasted like... It smelled just the way it tasted.

Slowly, you took the joint out of your lips and looked at it closely. You felt absolutely nothing being different on you, your stare got stuck on your own fingers. Why was everyone making such a big deal out of smoking weed? It certainly did nothing to you as far as you could tell. Fezco was asking you something, so you immediately turned your head to him.

"I'm askin' ya if everythin' fine, baby. Ya watched da joint for da last ten minutes." - He laughed and took it out of your fingers carefully and continued with smoking it. You frowned with no clue what Fez was talking about and when you wanted to answer, your lips curled up without you wanting them to.

Something felt so funny and even if you wanted to stop that feeling, it seemed that your laughter can't be stopped. It took you record minute and thirteen seconds to turn into crying mess laughing its ass off.

At the start, you at least had your intentions to sit straight, but as the time passed, your body curled into a tight ball and your head fell onto his lap. Your mind was freezing down because you completely felt how impropriate you're acting - but you couldn't do shit about it.

It was just like if you drank a bit too much - your mind had the feeling that you're fine, but your body was responding in the weirdest way possible. At times, you were worried that you might piss your own pants because of how much you were laughing.

That joint circled through the group two or three times, you couldn't tell. But the biggest bullshit was suddenly fascinating to you. You couldn't bare yourself to take your eyes off the ceiling or Fezco's left shoe. Also, the conversation flow was too fast for you to catch on. Your ears heard the words which were spoken, but before you formed the words to answer, your brain shut down and the conversation continued.

While everyone looked fine, only laughing a bit too much, you were straightaway fucked, incapable of even speak straight. You were zoning out every three minutes - and that was only about ten shots from the joint. You couldn't even imagine what bongo would do to you. It would destroy you just like that.

“Okay, young lady, ya had enough as far as I can see.” - Fezco smoothed you over your shoulder gently when you laid down on his legs and watched Rue's face in a huge-ass shock with your mouth opened up and eyes completely empty. 

“No. I am completely fine.” - You answered after a few long moments, being spaced out. Your voice was monotone, not changing a single bit when you spoke and your words were separated five minutes from each other. 

“I see dat. We can take Leslie's bed. Come on, let's go to sleep, baby girl.” - His legs carefully wiggled from under your head, so you didn't bump the floor with your head. 

He was leading you to the bed for almost an hour. Your legs felt like two stones glued directly to your ass, the room around you was spinning gently, like if someone put it on the sea's surface. The bed felt almost never-ending - it was warm, fuzzy and soft. The blanket was smelling nice and it felt really heavy on your body, it felt like you were so fucking tired at that moment. 

And Fezco felt burning hot on the small places where your body touched yours, he was soft except his beard and his short hair. To what feeling could you describe being high? It felt like being slightly delusional and seriously tired when you have flu and high fevers. The reality felt really far away. You couldn't seem to reach it with your hand, even if you only wished to be the normal you again.

And you never fell asleep so fast. You always had the tendencies to fall asleep faster than normally when he was around you - but this was like a hit into the backside of your head. 

#mount everest ain't got shit on us #rue bennett #rue euphoria #fezco #fezco euphoria #reader x fezco #euphoria hbo #euphoria fanfic series #fezco imagine #euphoria imagine #jules #jules vaughn #jules euphoria #hbo #euphoria