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bluegiragi · 1 year

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hello! i'm gira, i go by she/her, and i've been making fanart for the cod fandom for about four months now :) the majority of that time's been spent on the soapbox saga, which is sort of just what i call the very plot-ridden porn comic featuring ghost, soap and konig. and recently i've been working on the monster 141 au!

i'm here to address the reasoning behind how i assigned certain monsters to certain characters, particularly the POC characters as well as accusations of racism regarding me neglecting gaz in all my art :) whoever you are, if you're reading this in good faith, i thank you! i earnestly never intended to make anyone feel uncomfortable from my work.

The Monster AU

i won't post the blog who brought this issue up mainly because, (realistically speaking) i think people might go after them and spam them with hate so I'm paraphrasing here. but basically..."how come all the POC in the Monster AU are assigned animal-associated monsters? Comparisons to animals can be incredibly demeaning when it comes to minorities".

I completely agree! But earnestly, I think my desire to assign every character a 'monster' that was relevant to their culture overshadowed the part of my brain that would've raised red flags about this sort of thing. There's the argument here that I could've assigned these characters cooler monsters such as Price who is a dragon, and Ghost who is a wraith, but I wanted to be respectful of all the minorities in the COD cast by giving them creatures that reflected their culture and personality.

ALEJANDRO - NAGUAL

In the Monster AU, Alejandro is a nagual, which is considered a guardian spirit in Mesoamerican culture. Typically, it's said that the nagual is the shapeshifted form that powerful men can transform into in order to do evil (although that doesn't apply in this case, Ale's a heroic lad), and can come in the forms of a jaguar, deer, dog or bird. I chose a jaguar, since it seemed to be the most common form of nagual depiction in the resources I was looking at. The 'panther mode' isn't pre-established as part of nagual mythology, but since most panthers are just black jaguars, i thought the association wouldn't be unreasonable.

I chose Alejandro to be a nagual because it's so in character for him to be protective of his home. The idea of him being a literal guardian spirit for all he considers his just made sense to me :)

RODOLFO (RUDY) - CADEJOS

In this AU, Rudy is the vessel for two cadejos, which are legendary dog spirits popular in the mythology of Central America, parts of South America and Mexico. Historically, they've been known as psychopomps (guides to help humans into the afterlife following their death) but modern interpretation has shifted to depict them as the good guardian dog and the evil attacking dog respectively.

A lot of the minute information about the cadejos tends to differ depending on the source. Like whether they're actually two separate dogs, or they're the same dog just in different 'modes', or how big they are. My personal depiction of them has them sized as normal dogs (although their spirit nature means they can move into small spaces pretty easily by just becoming immaterial temporarily) and as separate spirits that have been passed down through Rudy's family generationally.

I chose the cadejo for Rudy because although I wanted to include him in the Monster AU, i still liked keeping him as a character who was a bit more 'human' than Alejandro. I think Ale needs Rudy to hold him back sometimes, and having the two cadejo definitely helps with that. Sort of like how cheetahs in zoos have therapy dogs growing up because they're so anxious all the time! I think it also does a good job of showing Rudy's two sides as well, like he's a softie who just wants to protect those he loves, but he's capable of a lot of violence too.

VALERIA - GORGON

Valeria is a gorgon which, admittedly, is not part of Mexican mythology. However, I was put in a bit of a bind here, since my research didn't really reveal to me a monster in Mexican culture that I thought would suit Valeria's vibe (manipulative, elulsive) and I just felt like a gorgon would be perfect for her. Medusa's myth has her being continuously demeaned by the men in her life and is a symbol of female empowerment, which I thought was a great reflection of the implied reason that Valeria left the army was due to internal sexism. There's also the perfect parallel of how anyone who sees El Sin Nombre's face dies, and Medusa's whole 'turn you to stone' thing.

I thought i could compromise by making Valeria a gorgon but her hair would be Mexican black kingsnakes but...turns out they're actually not that dangerous. Some people even keep them as pets! So I decided to keep the visual, but make her a pit viper, a subfamily of vipers found in the Americas as well as Eurasia.

HORANGI - HAETAE

Horangi is a haetae (해태) which is a beast in Korean mythology that typically comes in the form of a horned lion or dog. It's prevalent in a lot of cultures in East Asia actually, although it goes under different names depending on the region - kaichi for Japan, xiezhi for China. I made Horangi a tiger variant on the creature because...well...'horangi' means 'tiger' in korean. It just made sense to me to put that little twist on it.

Typically, haetae are seen as spirits of judgement, that decide on innocent and guilty parties in disputes and punish the latter. It's also considered a guardian against fire (hence the fire immunity and cloud manipulation powers I gave him).

GAZ - HARPY

Gaz is a harpy which, I won't lie, was purely inspired by the fact that he seems to keep falling out of helicopters. But it's also because...yeah, I did neglect Gaz in the soapbox saga. But I think I neglected...everyone in the soapbox saga who weren't directly involved in the main ship. I sort of just tunnel visioned on the main three, so my exclusion of characters isn't just limited to Gaz, it was included Price, Laswell, Alejandro, Rudy, Graves etc.

I just want to make clear that my treatment of Gaz in particular isn't reflective of any inner preference against him. And to make good on that, me assigning Gaz wings of all things was to help me spend more time on him in the Monster AU! I think the contrast between Gaz being an upstart harpy, and Price being a one-winged dragon has a lot of potential as a mentor/protege relationship (and perhaps even something more) and it's why I assigned this monster to him. I really wanted to establish a connection upfront, but just making Gaz another dragon felt cheap - the harpy thing felt a little more in turn with his character :)

I really hope this cleared up any remaining frustrations with my designs for the Monster AU. I hope you can see that I never meant anything demeaning by assigning these monsters to their respective characters - in fact, I earnestly tried to go out of my way and be respectful to their backgrounds.

In any case, if you have any more questions I'd be happy to answer them - I'd just ask you to please ask politely :)

#gira speaks #monster 141 au

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genericpuff · 25 days

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I don't know the term for creators who became popular outside the traditional steps to "make it" in their profession; then when people started taking their work seriously and giving them criticism, these creators saw it as an attack because they are not used to mentors and studies.

Smythe's professional training is vague at best, being a folklorist. Then there's the creator of the popular hell cartoon that became her own executive producer and director in her 20s (I'm not going to say her name since it tends to attract her rabid fans) and becomes reactive to any kind of criticism on Twitter. Then there's that TikToker Devon Rodriguez, who became popular for sketching people on subways, and when an art critic gave a mild review to his art gallery, Devon unleashed his fans on him.

Like am I seeing a pattern here for artists? And I guess, what do you think we can learn from it.

Ah, so this is a very interesting (and broad) topic that we've touched on in discussions in ULO and other webtoon-related communities. So buckle up, it's time for an ✨essay✨

I think the best way I can sum up my thoughts on this issue is: the vast majority of people who become paid content creators don't seek out a job as content creators, a job in content creation is just something that happens to them.

I say "content creation" because this is something that applies to a lot of other platforms and online mediums as well, such as the examples you included (TikTok, Youtube, Twitch, etc.). And don't get me wrong, it's not like every successful content creator out there didn't work their asses off to get to where they are, but for many... it still involves an element of luck. People don't go to school for it, people don't "apply" to become influencers, and much of it relies entirely on just making stuff until it gets seen and propelled into success.

I think a lot of these issues arise with the creators themselves and how they view their own work. The reality is that many of us artists have been treated as the "rejects" of society, we constantly feel like we're misunderstood and have some deep inner pain that we express through our art, and instead of going to therapy, we come up with OC's. It's a lot more fun and it's a lot cheaper LOL Webcomics naturally wind up being the perfect lightning rod for people who feel that way, where we can pour ourselves into the characters, the world, the narrative, in a way that perfectly mixes our talents for art and our need to express our innermost thoughts and feelings about ourselves and the world around us. So when our art gets criticized or rejected ... it can be hard for a lot of artists to not feel like it's a criticism of the self, a rejection of our identities, an attack on our feelings and experiences, because we've tied so much of ourselves to our work. And this can make that transition very difficult for people who are trying to go pro, because being professional demands separating yourself from your work, at least enough that you can view it objectively, recognize its flaws, seek out pathways to improvement, and not take every bump in the road personally.

A lot of successful creators are people who just never made that transition. It's led to an abundance of professional creators who know how to film themselves or react to content or, in the case of webcomic artists, write stories about their OC's, but don't know how to actually navigate the industry at a professional level. They don't know how to read and negotiate contracts, they don't know what deals are actually good for them and which ones are better left on the table, they don't know how to manage teams of people, they don't know how to react to the attention, praise, and criticism of their audience - they're just doing what they've always done, but now they're making money doing it.

None of this is to speak ill in any way of the creators who've found success and are still just doing what they've always done for money. None of this is meant to be a slight on the creators who are using webcomics and art as an expression of their deeper selves (I do it myself, it's very cathartic!) because ultimately that's what makes your work your work, the fact that you made it, with all your good parts and bad. Many of these creators are capable of running their platform without any issues because they've learned how to play the game, or because their platform is made up of people just like them so their audience is more like just a social circle.

But many of them still also can't operate on a professional level and those are the ones we often see getting called out and held accountable when they do shit like, I dunno, scamming their audiences for money or making alt accounts to manipulate user reviews or plagiarizing from other people's work or just being really REALLY shitty to their own audience.

Often times these are people who are just doing what they'd normally do as a hobby, became well known for it, and managed to turn it into a living. But they never actually learned how to turn their hobby into a job, and themselves into professionals.

And artists especially are prone to this because, let's face it, a lot of us are just weebs having fun drawing our blorbos, so of course if we get a chance to monetize that, we're gonna! We should! We should want to be paid for our work and time and efforts!

But we also have to remember that it's a different ballgame, especially if you're turning your audience into customers. "I'm just a baby creator doing this for fun" doesn't and shouldn't apply anymore once you start signing contracts, selling your art as products, taking people's money to fund your projects, etc. because now it's not just your art, it's what you're expecting people to pay for so you can eat and pay your bills and live.

As much as our art is often personal and should be cherished as such, you can't expect people to want to pay for it if you're not setting a bar and meeting it, or if you're not treating your audience with any amount of dignity or respect.

I'm not saying you're not entitled to having feelings or still wanting to treat your art as art, but the line between art and products is there for a reason, it's to set people's expectations and ensure that both sides are having those expectations met. Webtoon creators suffer from the same thing that a lot of Youtube creators and other types of content creators suffer from in this transition, and I feel like HBomberGuy summed it up best:

"In current discourse, Youtubers simultaneously present as the forefront of a new medium, creative voices that need to be taken seriously as part of the 'next generation of media' - and also uwu smol beans little babies who shouldn't be taken seriously when they rip someone off and make tens of thousands of dollars doing it."

It's not gatekeeping a medium, it's not telling people they aren't allowed to have feelings or to want to still have that personal connection to their work in spite of the professional level it's achieved, it's simply just expecting people to actually live up to the label of 'professional' that they're using to make money.

And this especially goes for someone like Rachel, who claims to be a 'folklorist' despite all the contrary evidence that says otherwise. This is the same person who copy pasted the first result on Google as her source on a simple word definition:

There's a second part to that HBomberGuy quote that also actually applies to Rachel really well in this discussion, concerning how she labels herself a "folklorist" and how that's affected and influenced the greater discussion surrounding Greek myth:

"But on the opposite end, Youtubers who act like serious documentarians gain a shroud of professionalism which then masks the deeply unprofessional things they do. We just saw that with James. I think [James] partially got away with what he's doing for so long because he acts so professional about it, so people assume, 'there's no way he could just be stealing shit!' so they don't check. And on top of that, a lot of James' videos contain obvious mistakes and made-up facts... but because they're often presented next to well-researched stuff he stole, no one questions it. I've seen James repeat a lie in his videos, and then other people claim it's true, and link his video as the proof. He has helped to solidify misinformation by seeming like he's doing his diligence."

There's always going to be discourse over what's legitimate and what isn't when it comes to Greek myth, there are loads of things we still don't know simply due to the knowledge being lost to time. But there's something to be said about a white New Zealand woman using her self-insert romance comic and platform to build a veneer of professionalism and legitimacy around herself, as if she's the authority on the subject, while simultaneously relying on first result Google searches and citing works that have no real foothold in the way of scholarly or "folklorist" discussion.

All that's to say, you're right, her professional training is vague at best. She's never completed a longform comic prior to LO, she's not doing her due diligence in actually engaging with the media she's trying to "retell" and exposing herself to the voices of those from the culture that's tied to it, and she's not holding herself to any sort of standards when it comes not only to being a professional, but a professional who's been held on a pedestal for all these years. She's still operating the same way she was 5 years ago - drawing and writing whatever pops into her head and sending it to her editor for uploading, with next to no intervention or guidance. Except now it doesn't have the benefit of being new and having "potential", it's getting noticed and called out more now than ever because it's been 5 years of this shit and it's been getting worse on account of her clearly being burnt out (or just giving up/not caring) and the readers can't be sold on "potential" anymore.

And that's all I have to say on that.

#ask me anything #ama #anon ama #anon ask me anything #lore olympus critical #anti lore olympus #lo critical

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lefluoritesys · 7 months

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Deinfluencing DID? Cool

TW: injuries, dissociative seizures, fainting, general health problems, medication, abuse, forced switches, religion, burdning things down, mentions of rape

Our room is a mess, dirty laundry everywhere, clothes are not hanged up and thrown on our bed, we haven’t cleaned our table, and barely ever vacuum or clean anything else. Why? Nobody wants to do it, plus we have ADHD that's interfering eith daily tasks as usual.

Our host forgot to tell our partner system they sprained our wrist. They sprained it January 30th. Told them, by accident, on July 11th.

Speaking of sprained limbs. Our co-host & persecutor-caretaker sprained our foot because they were stupid and weren't looking at where they're going. Resulted in missing a step on the stairs. They got a yelling lecture from our host (very loving lecture), and what did they do? Called the thing we had to wear on our leg "foot prison." Nothing else.

We got sick... I wanna say 2 days ago (memory issues). How did we do that? I don't know. What are we gonna do about it? Idfk, why are you asking me, we have like one medicine we take, but other than that-

Whenever people tell us that we're a minor and shouldn't be researching/reading stuff involving sexual topics, our sexual alters' immediate response to it is "if they wanted us to act like a child, they shouldn't have let us get raped when we were 4."

We suspect we have dissociative seizures. When things around us are overwhelming, we can very well just faint. Still conscious but unable to move or speak. Everything we hear during it will be forgotten. And those of us who are not host and co-host can faint because simply being in the body for too long is overwhelming.

We forget to take our meds that prevent us from fainting fully. Teenage thing, but our blood pressure drops unexpectedly, and we might pass out. Does the threat of literally dropping in the middle of the day, for which we had previously gotten admitted to the hospital, work? No. It's not happening rn, so-

Outer world is being run by 5-6 people (alters) who are not equipped for the outer world shit. Dealing with parents? No. School? So-so. Basic biological needs? Who needs those, am I right? /j

A while ago, we found a spider near our room, and we are all, collectively, terrified of spiders. Who did we push to front to deal with it? Our co-host, who hates/is scared of them more than all of us combined.

We have a factive of our mother in the system who fused with a Ballora fragment. Like, yk, the person who potentially abused us most in our lives is their source. She's currently in inner world therapy and is actively getting better. And we are learning to separate her from her source.

When we first figured out we were a system, our host was so stuck and so determined to find out more about our alters, we had to force switches to happen, and for a while thought we were actually faking. I'm aware that that's exactly what DID/OSDD is supposed to make you feel like, but others literally could not front sometimes without being physically forced out. Moreover, we didn't even know how switches were supposed to feel. Everything felt fake. How did we accept it? Pushed through (quite literally) and focused more on the exciting parts of it, rather than sad.

Speaking of first figuring our about our DID, we filmed many videos of our switches when we felt them coming, and alters introducing themselves via filming. We are now looking at them and both cringing and feeling nostalgic.

We still sometimes want to be a smaller system because it feels like it would have been simpler, and we would love to have all members of the system get along. But we also know our brain created us the way it did for our survival, and our nostalgia about "simpler days when we only knew 4 people" is a romantization. This is the first time we have actually had a semi-stable environment in 2 years.

The only one who celebrates the body's birthday is our host. Everybody else has their own birthdays either from source or made-up. We still celebrate them. Today (September 14th) is, in fact, one of our alters' birthday.

Our host and co-host have a child-parent relationship (respectively). A while ago, they were in co-con, listening to a song. Our co-host was holding our host to their arms in front piggyback style, was hugging them and rocking them back and forth. Why? For comfort. Because they're family.

Are we all collectively doing schoolwork? Nope, lmao. Doesn't work for us like that, we simply don't have memories of most things we studied since like 4th grade, can't get them either. Our host used to do all the schoolwork, but they got so much trauma from school and homework that now our co-host is in charge of it. And only them unless it's Japanese. And even then, it's a big maybe. Nobody wants to, so we created a schedule that works for us and our switches when it comes to studying.

Did I just have to look up where I was going on the metro because I realized I have no memories of it other than autopilot, and I am doubting whether I wanna leave on the right station? Yes. Yes, I did. Am I gonna be fronting when I reach the destination? Nope.

A while ago we burned down an inner world kingdom. Why? Idk, we just didn't like it. Who cares anyway?

One of our prosecutors bought premium on one of the apps we use, and they didn't get in trouble for it only because our host liked it. We're still using it to this day.

We have a system quote book.

Everybody in this system is pagan. I might be the only one not, and even that's a big maybe.

We really wanna watch Elemental but can never get around to it. Also, Nimona, although we have a good reason to postpone watching it.

We haven’t brushed our teeth in 2 weeks. Did yesterday like once. When's gonna be the next time? Who knows? :D Hygiene issues are real.

On Halloween, we're probably gonna watch FNaF Ruin the entire evening-night with our sibling.

Our ex-host is so unhinged that we have to watch them whenever they front like a hawk.

We are not a perfect system. Any blog you see, no matter how real it seems, doesn't reflect day-to-day experiences systems have. Most posts, generally, are made with strong emotions in mind, or for aesthetic purposes, or for venting purposes. I repeat what has been said before a million times: don't trust everything you see on the internet. People are real, but they are not going to let you know anything personal about them.

Honestly? Not sure why I wanted to make this post. Not gonna give you a reason either because I don't know it.

I am currently going to get cocoa and push our co-host to study. Have a good day, y'all. ✌️

-sexual protector

#did #did system #osdd system #osdd #system #dissociative identity disorder #other specified dissociative disorder #system stuff #system things #did osdd #osdd 1a #osdd 1b #complex dissociative identity disorder #did positivity #osdd positivity #system positivity #plural positivity #deinfluencing

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spilledmilkfkdies · 28 days

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Hi! First off, thank you very much for answering my earlier asks; I really appreciate that you put in the time and thought to answer my questions. Secondly, I wanted to ask, how do you think the wizards would take it if they had been sentenced to Lightrock rather than Omega? (I think I have also asked this question of another blog, but I’m kinda hooked on the idea.) Thank you very much!

Hiii again!! You're so welcome too! I love answering asks and putting some energy into them, even if that means they take me a sec sometimes djskshsj I get to it eventually stinkyexhaust if you're out there-

And to answer the second part; Honestly I kinda vibe with the idea, I think about it sometimes, briefly. But that's because I'm bias and I simply don't want them to be frozen for eternity. Or for however long the comics kept them there before making them work for some guy and eventually imprisoning them in Solaria boo boo tomato. Absolutely YOINKED them from their planet, which ig Lightrock would also do. But like. That's different.

How would they take it though? Hmmmm yeah probably beats Omega, if only because they're together and able to talk to each other. Hopefully. Unless they're separated. I think Ogron would struggle the most, he's still experiencing some very strong emotions of the angry sort- but I feel like he'd eventually be fine as long as he's with Gantlos and Anagan who are TIRED. And in mourning. Ogron will get there too. Is Lightrock the absolute perfect solution for them that will fix all their problems though? Will they straight up vibe there without any issues? No!! But I really don't think they're as kill kill destroy as modern Winx writing is trying to sneak in there, they can be civil! At least for as long as it would take to get the "yeah lol they're fine now" stamp of approval so they can be on their way, which I think is the end goal? It's a rehabilitation thing right, those aren't permanent usually, I don't think.

Y'know who really could've used Lightrock. When we give it a minute of thought.

HE. HIM. THAT THING.

You're telling me this SICK man, who had been feverishly yapping away on your couch just minutes prior, DARES to speak the words "Who says I want to recover?", proceeds to reveals big evil plan (it actually being true aside for a moment) and you decide to KILL him where he stands as he BEGS for his life?? Bit overkill tbh. Yeah imprison the other ones but just explode the dying one, kill him faster! The medical bills just weren't worth it huh

Also?? Imagine there was no evil plan, and he really was just delusional and saying shit again. Could we perhaps say? Medical malpractice? Hm?

Really if any of the 4 were to be put in Lightrock, realistically it should be him?? This was him canonically going insane fam, please get him some therapy or something he'll be fine. Probably. BONUS POINTS if they'd let him stay in the bat form, I'd really like that and I'm not getting into the logistics of it. Just make sure his wings have room to move :(( I pinky promise he won't try to fly away pls :(( I don't think he even could pls pls :(( Y'all have security measures in place :((

#shout out to the french fic that teleported him to therapy land #real af for that fr #they gave him a room and everything #it's so silly but i appreciate things like that #this one feels very rambly #i didn't sleep well sjsksk #been out and about today!!#winx club #winx season 4 #winx villains #wizards of the black circle #winx ogron #winx gantlos #winx anagan #winx duman #answered ask

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smokee78 · 9 months

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This is such a vague question but how did you do it? I'm assuming therapy helped a lot but like. Idk did you have to unpack all of the trauma or like. Idk. It sounds like a whole lot of effort and honestly congrats. I'm just curious how you managed to achieve it

Yes thank you so much for the question!

So I started EMDR therapy in April 2022, which is a type of therapy that helps process and desensitize trauma memories, and negative beliefs held due to trauma. You don't need an exact clear image/memory of the trauma for this to work, and in my experience it worked really well for my complex/ongoing traumas (ex. neglect and long term bullying) as well as for our "one time incident" more PTSD-like traumas.

shortly after beginning EMDR, a lot of our DID symptoms began to fluctuate, some weeks they were really bad, some they were noticeably much better. this is because EMDR doesn't only happen during sessions- your brain actually continues the reprocessing being the scenes in the background, which can cause extra stress in the meantime! but the end result is worth it.

of course, EMDR comes with a lot of safety measures and checking in before starting the therapy to make sure you are safe, and have a plan if things get to be too much.

I'd say maybe a few months in, we had a big even we dubbed "the fusening" in which many of our fragments "gave up" their form as they no longer felt it necessary to stay separate. some "larger" and more dominant parts fused at this time too, some 1:1 with another part, and others just seemed to dissipate.

I'd say by 4-5 months in we'd gone from over 90 identified parts down to a nebulous 30-50. We were also nearly (80% of the time?) always blurry, so it was hard to identify who was left.

we also identified some new parts at this time, who had been dormant and stuck behind a layer that previously was not able to contact us before processing trauma.

we stuck around 10-20 parts for a whole, working our way through traumasostly chronologically, and hit some big targets. it was hard and exhausting work, and left me on edge almost 24/7. but I could tell despite the exhaustion, I was getting better. I was still getting amnesia, but switches and headaches were much less noticeable, we were no longer finding new parts or splitting new parts, and it felt like I had the control to find healthy coping mechanisms on my own with out my brain trying to cope for me (by splitting).

these past few months I've actually been on a break from EMDR- my therapist noticed my avoidant behaviours to dealing with a lot of the trauma I faced from my parents, and I have a big school exam coming up. so we left it for the summer, to reconvene in October after my exam.

at that point I'd had about three alters left, two nearly identical, the current host and a similar alter, and in the process of trying to meld, and one of the earliest alters and most developed, and distinct we'd had.

in the meantime, I started regular talk therapy with a new therapist, less intense but to hopefully get some help with non trauma processing based issues, maybe try to grapple some of the parental issues without trauma targets.

We focused a lot on identity, as, despite having over 90 at one point, I felt completely lost! I didnt know who I was, what I wanted, and who I could be if I let myself. I was trying my best to "go along with the flow", but I didn't realize that didn't mean I had to like *everything*, even if I was open to new experiences!

I learned how to be on my own and still have fun in the absence of other people. I started broadening my horizons and going to local punk shows and learning it was okay to not be mainstream and still be safe! I came out to more people about my gender identity and started the process to transition medically, and started being more open socially about being gender non conforming. I learned I really, really, hate cooking, and that's okay.

about a few weeks ago, I had a falling out with my parents. I won't go into detail because I don't think it's relevant, but I decided our relationship wasn't healthy, and I cut them off for good. I'd previously done this two years ago as well, but we reconciled and tried to make it work. but this time, it was clear the only person that was interested in changing to make things work was me, and after finally getting a taste of figuring out who I could be, I was done sacrificing myself for the sake of making them happy.

stem, the last part to fuse with beau, held pretty much all the resentment for sacrificing ourself and not getting to be ourself. she held all the bitterness, the teenage and adulthood angst, all the rage. she'd been very stubborn about it all. to the point where beau as the host (this is getting confusing to type- I'm both sten and beau now. I'm one. but I'm trying to talk from beaus perspective about stem), had finally said "look. I know we wanted final fusion. but I'm okay if you want to stay stem and we'd changed our minds. we don't have to final fuse to still be an advocate for compassion towards those who choose final fusion, and we're not betraying ourselves or anyone else if we stay separate."

stem said "thank you" to this, which was the first time she'd shown any genuine positive emotion towards beau or the rest of the system. (she was a persecutor at one point, turned to no role/sort of protector ish role).

beau was shocked, as he never thought stem would let go of the bitterness she'd held to the rest of the system, the fact that she'd gone dormant and lost the host role at one point, and many other traumas.

there was genuine understanding and compassion towards each other as individual parts.

that night, stem was around and feeling list and hopeless about the reason we'd cut off our parents again. we vented to our friends, they listened, validated our feelings and... we felt better. the feelings laid to rest a little, though the grief was still fresh.

we left the conversation, and noticed we had a headache+foggy feeling we usually associated with a split. we commented to a friend we may be splitting, which hadn't happened in a while, but was understandable with the stress we were dealing with

except. it wasn't a split. we fused. stem was heard by herself and her system, and validated and respected by her friends. despite losing her adoptive family (not blood- we were adopted at birth), stem had found acceptance and love from our new chosen family and friends. that was enough to let go of the hate and bitterness and rage and let herself be one with the full range of emotions and personhood final fusing could give us in this way. I also use Stem as a preferred name in addition to Beau now, which I feel is fitting. I'm them, they are both a part of me even though we're all one now.

I hope this answered your question! one other thing to note, through a lot of hard work and cooperation, we were previously able to fuse a fragment and an alter together before any therapy, with a lot of help from those who'd already experienced fusion. it's not impossible to fuse some alters on your own. (though I would say it would be very unlikely to final fuse without outside help)

#syscourse #final fusion #did #osdd #didosdd #actually did #actually osdd #plural #pluralgang #diary #recovery #living with cptsd

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harlivycentral · 1 year

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Harley & Ivy in Heroes in Crisis: Summary & Excerpts

A continuation of my series of collecting summaries and excerpts of all the relevant comics leading up to the new solo run of Poison Ivy.

"Heroes in Crisis" is told very non-linerally, but I'll sort of cut to the chase with this one. It's a fairly widely disparaged arc, and you can search "Heroes in Crisis" on r/Comicbooks or r/DCComics if you want to see a million people breaking down why everyone hates it so much. I'm just here to summarize the parts of the story that are relevant to Harley & Ivy's continued plot!

CW for brief discussions of (time-travel aided...) suicide (which is averted/not shown)

Okay, fine, a TINY bit of editorializing from me. I overall don't like the characterization of Harley Quinn & Poison Ivy in this arc--at one point Harley says she "doesn't believe in trauma," which is... ??? (She is a [formerly] licensed therapist with an abusive ex-boyfriend. LMAO.) But we're NOT here to dwell on that, we're here to summarize the plot points that are relevant for following arcs!

In short, "The Sanctuary" is a super-secret facility that the Justice League created so that heroes could get "therapy." I say "therapy" in quotes because the "therapist" is a robot that they programmed to a) do talk therapy with the heroes b) each hero is kept separate from the others but has a special room that can manifest anything/person/scenario holographically (think The Danger Room from X-Men). Most of the heroes use this to spend time re-living their trauma. We DON'T have time to get into how poorly written this series is.

As we saw in my previous posts summarizing "Everybody Loves Ivy," Ivy was sent to The Sanctuary. In flashbacks, we see that Harley (agains the rules of the sanctuary) showed up to visit Ivy. We see her interrupting Ivy's "therapy" and hanging out in Ivy's room.

However, by the time the series starts, everyone who was at the Sanctuary (except Harley & Booster Gold) was killed. Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are investigating. Harley has reverted to her most murderous clown self, and we see her trying to kill Booster Gold while speaking in nursery rhymes.

We learn that Harley Quinn & Booster Gold are the primary suspects for the murders, but both of them think the other did it. It's revealed that Harley is acting so murderous and unwell because Ivy died.

We also eventually learn that it's actually Wally West (The Flash) who killed everyone. It was an accident; re-living his trauma caused a buildup of energy, which set off emergency alarms, and everyone in the Sanctuary who heeded the alarm and exited the sanctuary found The Flash outside, only to be killed when he couldn't contain the energy and released it in a burst that killed them all. We see that Harley was hanging out with Ivy in her personalized holographic room, but didn't go with her when the alarm went off, hence her still being alive.

We get a scene where Harley mourns Ivy:

We do get one scene that I really love. Harley is still trying to murder Booster Gold out of revenge, and she's being chased down by the Justice League. But then Batgirl appears, comforts Harley, and they decide to team up. Eventually, they realize Booster Gold isn't the killer either, start working with him, and realize that the Flash framed both of them to buy himself some time to make things right. They realize that, after five days on the run, he's going to go back in time, kill his past self, and plant the body at the crime scene to make it look like he wasn't the killer.

Louis Lane publicizes the existence of The Sanctuary, and during a voiceover from the Justice League addressing the public about it, we see the Flash discover the rose Harley dropped in the water while mourning Ivy. Over the course of a few issues, he plants it, and Ivy regrows.

He then apologizes to Ivy, and we realize it's his future self talking to her, about to kill his past self.

BUT Harley, Batgirl, and Booster Gold have figured out what's happening and appear in time to stop the Flash from killing himself. Harley sees that Ivy is still alive and they reunite.

That's pretty much the end of their storyline. The Justice League shows up, Harley and Booster Gold are implied to have their names cleared while the heroes both comfort Flash but also cart him away to atone for his crimes (again, we don't have time to get into the mess that is this comic).

We see them walk off together, and that's the end of that arc for them! Next up: Harley Quinn & Poison Ivy (2019-2020)

Click here for my master list of posts excerpting Harley & Ivy's cameos in various Batman comics leading up to the current Poison Ivy run

#harlivy #harley quinn #poison ivy #DC comics

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pearldog30 · 1 year

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Rodolfo (Rudy) Parra head Cannon

Since my last HC in my personal opinion did well. I was not expecting to get any hearts or anything (which I really appreciate it, and thank you all so much. people don't realize how much it really means to new writing like myself.) I'm making another one, and I'm making it on a character that I don't feel like gets enough credit our boy Rudy love him so much! This is also on the more realistic side I try with all my HCS to make them realistic.

Master list

Warnings| none that I know of, and as always let me know if I got the tags right.

1,000% his love song (if the link doesn't work cuz I know sometimes it doesn't it's all of me by John legend slow and reverb)

youtube

I feel like out of all the cod men he would be like the least "abusive" one. he would actually go out of his way and take precautionary measures to deal with his trauma/PTSD and all the shit he has to see cuz let's be honest. not a lot of people can handle what he sees on the daily.

He's also insecure about the scars on his body, from fights. not only do they bring bad memories, but he also doesn't want to scare you with them.

Concentrated to popular belief. he's not that emotional since he's always going to therapy, and dealing with his emotions, he's very much mentally drained. (but in a good way. And that's why you're there to give him a warm hug, and just let him lay there and soak in the moment to gather his thoughts.) he would also love it if you went with him, just so he can prove to you he's actually doing very good in therapy and making a difference.

he's also the most easy to earn his trust, and get to know him and get to be a part of his life. (but if you backstab him. or any of the people he loves, and mistreat his trust, there will be hell to pay you don't fuck with him. or his loves ones people learned that the hard way.) but don't be mistaken there's still that little wall he has up due to his job.

Also I feel like there'd be barely any fights, but if there are (because let's be honest no relationship is perfect) he straight up ignores you, and gives you the silent treatment. until y'all can go your separate ways, clear your heads and then have a conversation and talk it through, he wholeheartedly believes on communication is key.

He's also high key the most patient one, and level-headed out of all the guy's. despite him being Hispanic.

With him being so patient he's the one you need the most when you need to vent/rant/etc. and he'll help you through it rather it be giving you ways to deal with it, or just listening to you, he's there. (you will keep putting him in a trance because he's so in love)

I feel like he's also gotten taken advantage of in past relationships so he's clingy as hell.(he's low-key got abandonment issues and has a terrible anxiety about you leaving him because he isn't "good enough")

Also high key A MAMA'S BOY! (you cannot tell me otherwise.) and with him being a mama's boy he treats you so goddamn well, Straight up Queen treatment. Accidentally got you the wrong thing at the store, oh he'll make it his mission like the world's coming to an end. and will go back and get you the right one even if you beg him not because it was just a misunderstanding mistake.

With him being a mama's boy if you earn her trust, (if you thought earning his trust was hard, OH BABY. you have no idea how hard it is earning his mama's with his job she's always low-key looking out for him rather it be partners/job/day to day life.) and if she falls in love with you. OH HELL YOU BETTER WATCH OUT he ain't ever letting you go.

He's also an amazing cook. like man's straight up grew up in the kitchen with his grandma, and Mama. (cooking is like a sad, but good memory for him. since his grandma passed away it's a way for him to honor her.) oh you want some soup💥 BAM💥 it's right there in front of you. you don't even have to be sick just you alone mentioning you're hungry and he's right there on it.

He lowkey sometimes smokes after a rough mission. (nobody knows about it other than the guys, not even you he doesn't want you worrying about his health.)

Love language, words of affirmation, physical touch.

If you read all this thank you so much! I'm sorry this one wasn't a long one. But I hope it was good I tried my hardest. Reblogs and comments are always much appreciated 🖤

#rodolfo parra #cod rudy #rodolfo rudy parra #rodolfo cod #cod #modern warfare 2 #mw2 headcanons #cod mw2 #call of duty rodolfo #head cannon #rodolfo mw2 #rudy mw2 #modern warfare #Youtube #call of duty headcanons #call of duty mw2 #call of duty modern warfare

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kipandkandicore · 1 year

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I'm just popping into this blog out of curiosity for where the conversation is going and I kind of think an issue here that when it comes to what DID specifically is, there's different answers between psychologists, the DSM-V, therapists, and systems.

For most of the psychology field, DID is usually meant to be a disorder that comes from severe childhood trauma that results in a fragmented sense of self. In the DSM-V, trauma is only mentioned as being commonly linked to dissociative disorders, but it's not anywhere in the criteria.

For therapists at least in my personal experience it seems to be about 50/50 if they just see any form of systemhood and default to DID, or if they're sticklers for the trauma portion.

Then you get to how systems themselves view DID and that's going to be even more variable because it depends on what parts of the community they're in if any, what research they've done if any, what their therapist told them, etc.

You also get into the issue that other causes are just flat out under-researched

oof, okay, we’re going to have to respectfully disagree with most of this!

here’s a link to how we define the words we use in discussion :) /genuine

and if you weren’t able to check out our other post, here’s our response to the poll with sources.

first of all, cdds are not commonly thought to be disorders causing a fragmentation of self. it’s more like the parts were unable to integrate into a healthy, single mind in the first place, unlike in children without dissociative disorders. dissociation can keep parts separated from the start. we recommend checking out the ctad clinic’s video on how dissociative disorders develop, which is linked in the post above!

as for trauma, dissociative disorders, and the dsm, we like this response by @justanothersyscourse which includes links to articles and their explanation of how dissociative disorders are in fact linked to trauma. the dsm does not contradict this! we believe @subsystems has also made a post discussing how dissociative disorders are trauma based in the past, but we’re having trouble finding it right now - sorry!

we think it’s not fair to use personal experience to make generalizations about therapists and therapy. our therapist is a specialist in dissociation and childhood trauma, and he is not opposed to the concept of plurality outside of did/osdd (although he does think it would be a completely different experience). but it all comes down to a therapist’s individualized training. we’ve had bad therapists, and we’ve had good therapists too! therapy works, and we don’t think therapists who are trauma-informed are “sticklers for trauma.” it’s good and healthy to rule out trauma as a potential cause for any system!

it’s true that how systems view themselves will vary vastly depending on a host of circumstances. but no matter what a cdd system thinks about their plurality, it doesn’t change the fact that trauma was almost certainly involved.

finally, there does need to be more research into dissociative disorders, but we should still acknowledge the research that is out there! there are tons of resources online for learning about dissociative disorders - we recommend did-research.org, the isstd’s public resources, and the system speak podcast for starting points! and this post by @multiple-myselves shares citations for research into other causes for cdds.

we hope this is able to clear up some confusion. have a great day :)

#syscourse #complex dissociative disorder #dissociative identity disorder #trauma #did osdd

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wyrdify · 9 months

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This is not at anyone here. This is at the U.S. healthcare system, particularly as it relates to neurodivergent trans people. Rant below the cut.

So, back in April, I asked my med manager for a referral to get evaluated for autism. Said med manager does not do it herself since she doesn't do diagnoses, and neither does the facility she works at, so she referred me out. I was then told that the place will be in touch with me to get me scheduled, and this may take up to 6-12 months as they have a waiting list. But, I can check on that referral at any time by calling them. Cool.

More background information: I started taking Effexor more than a month ago (probably close to two months now) since Zoloft, my old anti-depressant, wasn't really working. I noticed that, on the 75 mg dose of Effexor, I sometimes experienced brain fog, muscle weakness, and other things I associated with my seizures. Effexor worked, but I felt it was also lowering my seizure threshold. Med manager, who prescribed the Effexor, told me to contact my neurologist about it since my neurologist handles my epilepsy. Fine. No problem. That usually isn't an issue.

I couldn't reach my neurologist. I called her office at least twice and had her medical assistant call me back, who promised me my neurologist would call me back. That never happened. So, I tried another method, which was MyChart. I sent a message to my neurologist there on July 6, and I never heard back. Nothing. I don't see her until the end of November, so now I need to try and basically move up my appointment just to get a basic question about a prescription answered. I schedule my appointments with her a year in advance, so I don't know how much luck I'll have there.

So, that's one fail of the U.S. Healthcare system. Let's move on to what happened yesterday and today.

Yesterday, I meet with my med manager to go over a few things. I bring a list with me because not only has it been about a month since I last saw her, but I wanted to get the ball rolling on a couple other things. I wanted to see if an evaluation for ADHD was separate from the one I was getting for autism, and I wanted to get a referral letter for top surgery. For those who've known me for a while, you've known I've lived with gender dysphoria since 2016-17. It's been a long time. I want to get that started now and not keep waiting around.

What she ended up telling me: an ADHD eval is part of the autism one I'm going to have since it's a full neuropsych eval. Okay, that makes sense. Cool. I move on to the next subject: top surgery. She tells me to go to a place in the city to talk to them about surgery. They don't do anything with top surgery. Yes, they do gender affirming healthcare, but I was specifically asking for a referral letter. I looked into what I needed for top surgery in my state before this appointment (not directly before, but days before). I need at least one letter from a mental health provider for it. Why did my med manager refer me to somewhere that doesn't do that and will likely just tell me to go back to her?

She said that she or my therapist, who works in the same facility, could write the letter, but still. STILL. She sent me to another place first. I am a trans person who doesn't need hormone therapy. I need top surgery. My gender dysphoria is well documented in their system. I checked. It became abundantly clear to me in that moment that she doesn't have many trans patients. At all. That facility in general probably doesn't considering the last med manager I had there was transphobic. Anyway.

Today: I called this morning to check on the status of my referral for the neuropsych eval. It turns out that they couldn't accept my referral because they don't have a specialist, so they sent it back for my PCP to handle (same facility as my med manager and my therapist). My med manager didn't see this at all. I'm not even sure she was looking at my chart to be honest. If she did, maybe she would've saw this and said, "Oh, I need to refer you to somewhere else or have your PCP do it." But no, I get to be back at square fucking one again. Because I couldn't ask my med manager to get that referral for a neuropsych exam. I had to go through my PCP to do it. Make it make sense.

I am so goddamn frustrated with this system. I'm just trying to take care of my health and be somewhat proactive about it, but I fucking can't. At this point, I don't know what to do. I might leave this facility all together and start over with a new PCP, new therapist, and new med manager. But, then I run the risk of not being in therapy for months, not seeing a med manager for months to a year, and not seeing a PCP for months to a year as well. And I'm in the middle of a med change too. Not only that, but I don't want to be a difficult patient or someone who just quits doctors or places willy-nilly. This is my third med manager, fourth therapist, and fourth PCP since I moved here nearly 10 years ago.

I don't know what to do. What the hell do I do? I want to cry, scream, rage. I hate this healthcare system so much.

#thewriter; post #tbd #long post tw #negative tw #medical tw #doctors tw #healthcare tw

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blooming-violets · 1 year

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I don't want you to think I'm critical of dancing on her own OK maybe I am but I'm not here to .....make your day worse just give my own two cents I'm glad that peter gets therapy and I'm glad you mention peter is extremely young during all of this it makes me a little bit more empathetic to see his side of the matter and while it's wonderful that our lady character is capable to forgive him despite all this shit he put her through I still don't think she should be romantically involved with him like ever it not that he doesn't deserve her and bla bla (though that is also a very valid point) it not healthy for either of them she has seen him as an escape from her abusive childhood and clung on to the one thing she sees as normal it's quite similar for him to keep her with him because of his abandonment issues maybe there is quite strong love there but is it strong enough to take away the fact that they both view each other as coping mechanisms ? Im also much more optimistic and I like to think if anyone was in th place of the oc would've cut out peter along time ago which is what I wanted for them to go on healing parts separately from one another and find themselves and each other along the way again that's what is my hc for this actually that she views Gabe as the last starw forces him to move out And gets the fuck away from this man whose cut her of from so fucking much just cause he can't stand to have someone else in her life that's so so shitty but then I'm not her I don't even know how I would react if I was put in this situation humans are so weird in this way we are all wired differently while we like to think we want to do something some way we might do the opposite I guess I'm one of those people who like the "but this is the right way to go about things" ending rather than gray ending that don't satisfy me but that's my problem maybe that's what makes this fic so good for me it forces me to confront how I feel about morally Gray characters and complex situations rather than conforming to this good Black and white ending we have something Strange though it is also happy ending just not the one I agree with so yeah....the point of all this is youre a great writer thanks for writing this and I hope peter gets all the therapy he can lives with knowing that he's a very very lucky man cause I would've kicked him out a long time ago. I'm going to go ahead of believing that they never ended up together romantically

Hahaha this made me chuckle because I thought I was bad at rambling, run-on sentences with zero punctuation but I think you have me beat! I need to go reread this line by line because it's so much and I love it. And I'm glad you have your own opinions on it! That's what makes writing fun to me is seeing everyone's different takes and sides and who identifies best with what part. I love discussing my work and other people's work that I love in detail. Sometimes I think too many people just throw out a "this was good!" and then bounce. I want to talk about stuff and hear people's deeper thoughts. Esp for a fic like this, I knew it would potentially be divisive.

When I write, the characters sort of are their own people and I'm just their puppet for them to put their stories on the page. I don't know how else to describe it but I have such a clear picture of who they are, what they do, and why they're doing it that they become their own little entity chillin up in my brain. So when I write, I can say "How would x react to y?" And then they sort of take over from there.

For this particular story, I had two very broken, traumatized people. You hit it perfect by saying they were each other's coping mechanism. She has literally never had another friend in her entire life besides Peter. That is not healthy! None of this relationship is healthy. It starts off with Peter protecting her from bullies, the first and only person in her life to ever stand up for her, so she basically imprints on him as her savior. She views him through rose colored glasses. Even when he's horrible to her, when she looks at him, she only sees that scrappy little boy from the first grade beating her bullies with a stick. She can't separate that image of Peter from the man he's grown up to be.

Peter, on the other hand, is so psychologically broken that he's just as bad (actually, he's worse). He's torn between wanting to always save her but not being able to know how/being too scared of failing/her actually not needing him. He doesn't know how to navigate being a super hero and the deaths that come with that and how to keep up healthy relations. You are absolutely right when you say it's not healthy! It's very much not. His depression also lead him down the path of becoming hardened, bitter, and mean. He emotions are frozen up still.

What's funny is that I don't actually view the ending as happy. It feels almost bittersweet to me. She had been waiting her whole life for Peter to love her how she wants. This is the first time he's expressed that out loud to her. She's been waiting for that kiss for so long that I don't think anything else mattered to her in that moment. She's blinded by her childhood dreams. Peter is blinded by his fear of losing her.

Technically this isn't the "end" also. I mean, it's the end of me writing the story but they would still live on in the fictional universe. I do think that she would lose her virginity to him eventually and I do think he would be really sweet about it. But as for them working out long term, I really don't know. The thing about therapy is that it slowly unveils stuff about yourself that you didn't realize over time. (I also don't think a therapist would encourage this relationship, both hers and his, I think they would tell them to hold off on it). I doubt they will listen, though, because I know these characters. They are going to try before they are ready. They are going to try to force things and I don't exactly see the best outcome for them.

For the ending, it's not exactly happy or a finality of what they will be. It's meant to be hopeful and nudged into the direction of healing but that's where it ends.

The rest is to up to you, my love! Envision their messy attempts at a relationship to fail. Envision her striking up a conversation with Gabe a year into the future and him inviting out to movie. Technically anything that happens after they go back home is up to the reader! It's out of my hands!

Final points because I've rambled far too long, the story wasn't meant to be about what is right but what would happen if you put two messy, traumatized humans together and forced them into different situations. They wouldn't make the right choices because they've never been taught anything different. All she's ever known is Peter so, therefore, all she's ever going to chose is Peter...until she works on that in therapy and, hopefully, finds her own self again and learns how to live without her crutch. For now, they recognize their love for the other, whatever form that takes and, for now, that will have to do because they don't know any other way of living. Bittersweet! Not happy.

Thank you for this ask though. It made me happy that someone could even care enough to feel anger on behalf of a character I wrote and want justice for them. All I want is for people to love the creatures in my head as much as I do.

#asks

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weabooweedwitch · 11 months

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Can you understand why you saying 'ok well I guess my only option is to kill myself' is just more of this toxic behavior? In your other posts you were talking about how your mom doesn't deserve basic respect and that you were totally righteous in what you were doing, and when you get called out it's 'I guess I should just kill myself' as if you can't just make better choices? You chose to treat your mom like trash and you can choose in this moment to be a better person. The source of the problem is that you think certain people don't deserve to be treated with respect and you blame others for your own reactions, which are both perspectives you can easily shift if you want to. Just take ownership of yourself, put yourself in others' shoes more and reflect on the issues that cause you to react such as narcissism and borderline. I'm sorry if I'm wrong but it feels like you're acting out the 'cry' part of crybully rather than showing genuine remorse for how you treat people, just so that people will backtrack and comfort you and tell you the things you want to hear, which i'm sure many people will now because attracting enablers through pity is a classical narcissist pattern. Stop looking for an out and face yourself and your flaws and stop using this idea of 'I can't change' as an excuse to just give up because everyone can change if they really want to

I've gone to therapy for years. I've tried different medicine for years. I spent so many trips as a minor being an inpatient doing DBT for years. I've had therapists tell me my mom won't let me set boundaries and she wears me down until I do what she wants. Now I can't stand for myself without getting angry because I'm never listened to. She always told me everyone only sided with me because I lied and manipulated them? But I've never tried to do that? I've never wanted to do that? All I've ever said is how I felt. Have I just been living my entire life not knowing I was am absolute monster?

Have I just been WRONG whenever I felt like someone did something bad to me? Was everything always my fault?

I try to tell people over and over "hey please don't do this, please don't do that, hey, I keep gently reminding you I need XYZ" whether it's at work or home and I just get ignored or talked over or blamed. Even my own fucking managers are leaving sticky cans of energy drinks in my work area, my fucking managers can't even do really basic picking up after themselves when I'm literally the only night employee

I scheduled a day off to try and go with my mom to the dentist and also because I needed to go to the doctor and im only gone 2 days and I come back and everything is not only exactly where I left it, but my work was, undone by someone else shoving everything together, not separating things, literally undoing everything I spent my whole shift doing, and then I have to spend time cleaning up after them, and then I run out of shelves because they didn't work anything out, and then I'm asked "Miranda why didn't you do 5 or 6 pallets on your shift? Why is there still a bag of trash here?" And it won't even be mine

Have I just been secretly incompetent and stupid and pathetic my entire life, even as I was doing my best? Even as I was trying to be a good friend? Even as I've barely held myself together? Was I just actually being a manipulative freak that whole entire time?

Then I don't deserve to be better. I don't deserve for anyone to have sympathy. If I can try and try and nothing I can do is seeming to fix things or impr9ve things or at least help others, then my life is pointless. Then I have no worth.

I didn't even know I was lying to myself this whole entire time

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soullikethesea · 2 years

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T asked me today what the next step will be and if the goal is still fusion. She asked which part is most in need of help, and if all parts are engaged in therapy.

I know it's not what she said, but the undertone felt like she wants me to make more progress with fusing parts.

Problem is, I don't think I can. Not right now, anyway. I don't lose any time anymore and we don't really get into conflicts, but we still feel separate and I can't know for other parts what they want/feel/think unless I feel their influence or ask them. I'm a bit scared that I can't do fusion because it's never been "un-fused" anyway (i.e., I never had a dissociative disorder).

But also, I am not ready to live this life undissociated. I don't think I can. I think I would have to be less lonely and less poor to stand a chance. Secondly, my whole life has been like this and I can't really imagine how it could be different? Thirdly, T said that I should realize that things like heat are really not dangerous anymore and I think she might be missing something that is huge for me... my sensory issues are very much a big thing for me and I don't think they will ever go away. It really has a huge impact on how I organize my life and something like the heat will probably always continue to stress me out just from the sensory experiences. :(

I hope we get unstuck in therapy soon. Maybe she's right, maybe I don't have much more trauma work left. But then why are the parts still there? I really don't like how this reminds me of old T and therapy with her.

I don't want to question myself like this - it feels unkind. I think it makes sense that we don't feel safe enough, with everything that is going on in the world and all. I'm certainly willing to have less therapy if T thinks that is best, but not without acknowledging that progress is possible. It will just come in it's own time. I know not to give up, my stamina far outlasts that of professionals.

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rahleeyah · 1 year

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d.c. anon here!

those previews are nuts am I right? I am so curious as to what we are actually going to get on Thursday.

one thing that is obvious/that I noticed about oc tho… I know the fans have made mention about the lack of Bernie, Eli, Kathleen, and the rest of Elliot’s crew. Which I find devastatingly bc I adore Bernie especially.

But I guess I’m also missing all of bells personal stuff/drama too? Like what happened with Denise and jack?! Are they working it out? Divorced? Separated? (Unless I completely just missed something? And if so, please let me know lol)

Also, with bell specifically, we haven’t gotten to see some of the components that made seasons one and two great! Things such as her relationships with Gina and nova, for instance.

I know we have mentioned before that we are all aware of the sr issue on oc but I can’t help but hope whoever is in charge now has plans to bring back the personal elements of all the characters.

IMO great dramatic shows have a mix of the personal and professional sides of their characters lives. You can connect to a character and/or their story(ies). Right now, we see very little personal stuff on oc that makes it hard to connect to the characters the way we have in the past.

Am I off base here?

Nah you're absolutely on point friend. The good news is that we have at least one Bell centric episode coming and both Dani and Ainsley have been talking about how proud they are of upcoming episodes, so I'm really hoping that the first third of this season - which has not been good for a variety of reasons - was just growing pains and we're about to see a shift.

You are right in that they dropped a lot of the personal stuff and that hurt the show. Elliot Stabler is fundamentally not a lone wolf, and making Bernie disappear and aging up Eli just to get rid of him and isolating Elliot from his vast family - his family that means everything to him - is a baffling choice and it wasn't until the therapy session that we were given any real narrative reason for it; honestly I think that was put there in part to walk back previous attempts to make Elliot another brooding loner action hero, bc that's not who he is and we certainly don't need another one. With the therapy scene, an argument can be made that maybe they're going to deal with how being isolated hurts him and how he's gonna fix that. Ayanna and Denise are divorced I think, since last we saw they were negotiating custody with lawyers and Denise firmly shut Ayanna down, but they still have a child and there's been no mention of Jack recently.

We must live in hope, as always.

#dc anon #anonymous #e.o asks #s.vu

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spaceymcspaceship · 1 year

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guess who's finally caught up on the specials!

first, i don't have a ton to say about legend of the sea devils...i suppose i am in the underwhelmed camp on this one. it really felt like there were some editing issues because the performances were on point as usual? i am continually impressed by mandip and jodie and the doctor understanding yaz but having to let her down was handled so well and interestingly? these two continue to be the highlight.

onto the power of the doctor!! i have a lot to say so here we gooo

as soon as the word "seismologist" was uttered i knew there was going to be some doctor who geology fuckery

honestly though not as bad as it could have been

nothing compares to kill the moon never forget never forgive

most of my feelings revolve around jodie and sacha and how electric those two continue to be on screen

the slow weaving of the master's web around the doctor actually worked and built suspense

also all the master does is come up with overly complicated plots so the overworked busyness of it didn't bother me

shout out to everyone's favorite quarry in wales

(just kidding i assume there are multiple quarries in wales that they film in)

ACE! TEGAN! KATE!! honestly i just love seeing their faces and 13's reaction to her past and knowing she didn't really do right by them is worth the price of admission

i really loved that they each got their own moments with their own doctor!

i loved seeing all the classic doctors too just anything that solidifies 13 as part of that legacy makes me emotional

i get not wanting doctor who to be entirely callbacks and self referential, but it has so much history that what's the point if it doesn't get to occasionally

and the companion group therapy!! (i see you there ian!!)

okay back to the story

13 just let yaz have a gun...she ain't messing around with the master

i do feel like there was still a darkness in 13 that was only glimpsed but never properly explored? like what if the gun had been the first step to something more drastic this episode? 13 went to some great places this season but i still think there was room to dig a little deeper into how powerful and terrifying the doctor can be

but then again i'm so glad she got to end as she was, optimistic and hopeful and not mired in a tragedy of her own making which probably would have hurt me more

to me it fits with where jodie wants her doctor to sit

like hers was a very aspirational and communicable doctor (relatively so and not without her faults) so it made sense that she got to properly express her feelings to yaz and give and request space to say goodbye

okay i'm still getting ahead of myself

the dancing to rasputin is the whole reason i watch this dumb show

i do think there was a missed opportunity for sacha and jodie to play each other

the path they chose worked and sacha and mandip killed it but also there was the opportunity for a proper body swap

they had them in the separate boxes and everything and they just sailed right by

but it did mean that yaz got to soar!!! literally the master puts himself into this situation thinking he'll be the replacement doctor, but yaz gets to be the doctor! which is really want we've been working towards for a while!!

i mean i've thought for a while yaz could take on the master and win so validating to watch that

ngl seeing graham again got me emotional

anytime jo martin's doctor appears it makes my day

the master being the one to take the doctor out and yaz carrying her back into the tardis was just chef's kiss

and is 100% in line with dhawan!master's mutually assured destruction attitude

her goodbye with yaz made me cry

like full on bawling on the sofa

i don't want them to have to say goodbye

i don't want to have to say goodbye to them

literally where is yaz's alternate universe 13

speaking of

whoever suggested putting "and introducing david tennant as the doctor" in the end credits deserves a raise

but also more on that later what on god's green earth are you going to do with that god tennant and tate are lucky i love them

#fair warning: i'm about to queue SO many posts #mostly from tpotd #in the process of rewatching flux #but couldn't wait on watching the special #not when the master and old doctors and companions were involved #i'll probably watch it again when i get to the end of flux since i'm sure i missed stuff

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riseofthedark · 1 year

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Self-care

There's a post that just showed up on my feed that I want to discuss. The reason I'm not using the original post in this is that op comes off as somewhat abrasive [now if they truly are or aren't that I don't know].

In their post they say the recent mantra we don't owe anyone anything is a damaging mentality. As life is a collaborative event and we rely upon others we thus owe to others as much as we have to give. I'm not here to attack them (another reason why I'm making this a separate post), but rather am here to give my own thoughts and perspective.

I struggle with words and while I can use them properly in context their definitions tend to be fuzzy at best. As whoever may read this post might have the same issue with words I will define the word owe below.

Owe (verb) - have an obligation to pay or repay (something, especially money) in return for something received

definition taken from Oxford Languages

I struggle with what OP said mainly because I do that. I give in ways of my time, commitments, effort, all of that until I have nothing else to give. This need to give parts of myself until I have nothing else I can give has been instilled in my by my parents since I was a child. As a result giving has become the main way I show affection to people.

As a result i'm burnt out and struggling to survive. Not necessarily money wise (though that's also a struggle) but physically and mentally. OP says "we owe all we're able to give". But that's just the thing, all we're able to give and all that we can reasonably give are very different things.

Think in terms of money, I'll use my own situation as an example.

After taxes I make about $1800 a month total

Taking out every single necessary expense I have about $400 left over. For me to live paycheck to paycheck I only need $1400 on a good month. I am technically able to give my entire paycheck, but someone once told me when you have to say technically it's wrong.

So let's work with what I have, $400. I could give all of that money away since I don't need it. But, this leaves no room for anything else. If that $400 is always given away anything that comes up that I have to pay for that's not accounted for in necessary purchases, has to be bought with the $1400 I do have.

Something will have to give on my side but it can't be that $400 because it's already given away. So maybe i'll go without food for a week or even two because I have to replace something I can't afford otherwise. Anything unexpected I'll have to sacrifice something I need because i've already given something I need to give.

Reasonably what can I give from that $400? Maybe $50. Which, $350 is a lot of money so why did I say I am able to give it away? Because it's not necessary to my survival. But when I can afford it I'm paying for doctors appointments, medication, and currently physical therapy. Now im poor so a lot of that is covered but some it isn't. When all $350 isn't used up I put it in savings so next time something breaks I can replace it without hurting myself in the process.

Now let's talk about time, commitments, and effort. I can't really say no to people so my schedule has to include sleep or i'll try to go without it. Every minute of my day is planned if something unexpected happens I'll just get less sleep, maybe skip eating. After all who really needs hygiene?

When anyone asks me to help or to do something that time-wise I am able do, I do it. If I don't there's this overwhelming feeling of guilt and self hate that I couldn't even do such a simple thing. Typically, showing someone my schedule they ask me how I'm still functioning. It's because the way i've scheduled myself if I miss anything it builds to the point where even trying to get back on track takes at least one mental break down like a "you should come in twice this week for therapy" type of breakdown.

Huh, that got a bit dark for me.....

The phrase "you don't owe anyone anything", is true.

While the context it was originally formed in (general perception) was breaking away from toxic situations. I don't owe my parents my appearance, ideals, or sexual expression because they raised me. I don't owe my work soul breaking labor because they pay me. I am allowed to leave without feeling like I owe them a debt.

One also doesn't have to support the system or try to change the system even though it's done things have either benefited them or been detrimental to them. This isn't to say that life isn't transactional. To get money one has to work. To get services done you have to pay for it. To receive affection you also have to give it. Do I personally think that giving to or helping others is something you should do? Yes. There is no one way of thinking that covers every exception or every circumstance so my way of thinking is just that. My way of thinking.

But for me, I believe that one does not owe tall their able to give just for existing.

#giving #self care #giving all you have #mental health #coping #personal experience #opinion #“we don't owe anybody anything”#therapy #burn out

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