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doberbutts · 7 months

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I was typing a big long thing about the changes I've experienced in a year on testosterone and how it's affected me and all that and then tumblr ate it and I really don't feel like retyping that whole thing but I am kinda salty about it so tldr:

Starting testosterone has been the best thing for my health that I've done. Ever. Better than getting a service dog. Better than restructuring my life to cater to my disabilities. Better than any procedure or medication or otherwise that I've tried. Simply rubbing a pack of gel on my arm once a day has done more for me than anything else.

When I went to my endo to start T, I went with a suspicion that I am intersex. She confirmed it via blood test and told me that with my variation I could try two different things: estrogen to control my high levels of natural androgens, or testosterone to lower my estrogen further and make it stop arguing with my androgens about whether I'm supposed to be a boy or a girl, as it's that argument that was causing a significant portion of my health problems. Estrogen has been tried in the past and only made things worse. She told me it was my choice, and only I could choose my path forward, as I knew my body the best.

When TERFs have a fit about gender affirming care, they usually leave out people like me, or they brush my story aside by saying that I'm just an anomaly, or they claim for me and my demographic that we don't want to be part of this discussion. But I don't fit their definition of a woman- I have a testicle, and my natural testosterone was within normal range on the low end for a cisgender, perisex man, and enough male sexual partners have commented on what's in my pants to tell me that it's far from the picturesque womanly pussy, especially considering I can- and have- use it to penetrate with the help of devices designed for cis men who are a little lacking in length.

When TERFs have a fit about gender affirming care, they scaremonger about side effects and changes. But, I was already hairy. I was already growing facial hair. I already had atrophied- and by 30 to the point that it's not really possible to fix without significant medical intervention. I was already infertile. I already had an adam's apple and a deep voice. I already had belly fat and blood pressure problems. My menstrual cycle was already hellish and had interfered with my school and work schedules. A popped ovarian cyst sent me to the ER.

I'd tried no treatment. I'd tried estrogen-based solutions. These not only did not work but actively made things worse. I was fainting at school. I was calling out of work. I couldn't drive without my service dog. I couldn't go out and have fun with my friends. I spent days at a time laying in bed in too much pain to move.

TERFs say, gender affirming care turns you into a forever patient.

I already was one of those. I almost died when I was a baby strictly because of lack of access to care that accepts children who are born who are both and also neither from the womb, before anyone has a chance to develop a personality or understand the difference between a boy and a girl.

Testosterone has turned me into a "once every 3 months" patient instead of a "twice a month minimum" patient. I pay less than $15/month for my prescription and it's mailed to my house in three-month increments. Stopping my wildly irregular and incredibly painful menstrual cycle has increased my quality of life so much. My body doesn't ache for no reason anymore. I don't faint anymore. I can go out and do things and not be punished for it for days on end by fevers and chills and vertigo.

Don't let a handful of transphobic assholes scare you. If this is your way forward, then live your life to its fullest.

My only regret is that I didn't have the chance to do this sooner.

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f10werfae · 1 year

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Holland’s Girl

pairing: Boyfriend!Tom x Cavill!Reader

summary: Hi there! I don't know if you still write for Tom Holland but could you do one with him in a relationship with henry cavill's little sister? With the twitter format? Love all your Henry cavill blurbs! (Requested by Anon)

Requests are open!/Likes, Comments and Re-blogs are appreciated♥️

Full Masterlist, Taglist Form Tom

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

@/dutchnesslove: Tom just confirmed his relationship with Y/n Cavill on instagram!! He uploaded a picture of them cuddling in bed and everything, even Tessa was in between them with her head on Y/n's chest

@/HenryCavill: @TomHolland take care of my sister or else our weekend pints will have to stop mate 👍👍

@/Y/nCavill: Omg fuck off Hen, he loves me more than you do🙄

@/britishstarq: Did anyone see the pap video of Tom and Y/n buying groceries?? He pushes her around in the trolley while handing her the stuff from the shelves. Someone save me bc they are just too cute😭

>> @/marveltrick: Ok but did you see the party where Y/n secretly swipes her card to pay for the groceries and Tom literally tackled her into a big hug and tickled her because of it

@/Littlebunbun: Why the fuck are people hating on Tom and Y/n? So what if she isn’t some big time actor? She literally has her own career path in (insert job), she doesn’t need Tom’s money bro☠️

>> @/birdiebye: I know, fans ambushed her outside of her workplace and she had to stay inside and wait for Tom to get her. This is ridiculous. She’s just trying to live her life, she doesn’t need whiney teenagers trying to attack her. No wonder Tom doesn’t like doing lots of autographs in public anymore

@/retrotro: Henry just posted his annual family bbq picture, and just saw Tom sitting on a chair by the fire with Y/n tucked under his jacket with him😭😭 He was kissing her forehead with his arms locked around her and everything

@/beautifillife: In Y/n's first interview she mentioned how she first met Tom at an award show where Henry brought her along as his plus one. She ended up getting lost from Henry during the big rush inside and bumped into Tom, and quotes, “He hasn’t let me go since”

>> @/beautifillife: Don’t even forget when she said that Tom insisted he bring her home because she couldn’t end up finding Henry, AND THEY HAD THEIR FIRST KISS THAT NIGHT. Although feels bad because Y/n said he was so awkward like a little boy with his first crush☠️

@/turusbeixh: Since the lockdown I think Y/n has moved in with Tom, just because Henry posted turning her room in the family home, into storage for his war figurines. Also Y/n has been posting reels on instagram on how to choose the correct colour furniture, and she’s just the cutest

@/TomHolland: @/Y/nCavill Babe please forgive me, I didn’t mean to walk Tessa without you this morning💔

>> @/Y/nCavill: So first I wake up alone in bed, and then I don’t even get to walk my baby. Unforgivable, unless you’ve somehow got a tub of Ben and Jerries with you. And Kisses

>>> @/TomHolland: Don’t worry got lots of kisses for you, in all places

@/pinkputter: In a friend’s youtube video when playing Hide and Seek, Y/n decides to hide on Tom’s lap under a massive blanket, AND THIS MAN DID NOT RAT HER OUT FOR A WHOLE 30 MINUTES. THAT IS LOVE.

@/DailyTelegraph: Teary Tom Holland seen sending off his girlfriend Y/n Cavill at the airport. The young businesswoman is off to start a new branch in Japan, hopefully she’ll be back soon! Reports say 2 weeks!

>> @/tomholland101: You’re tellin me that mans cryin over his girl being gone for two weeks😭

@/user28373792: Tom holland said that he and Y/n can’t share showers often because she actually makes it boiling warm. But he does it anyway because she wants to 😭♥️

@/User29282803: Y/n posted a photo of Tom rubbing her feet, that mans whipped

>> @/twinkletoerz: Remember the picture of

Y/n braiding his hair. Love.

@/Y/nCavill: Why is Tom crying at the airport😭 He literally booked a flight to Japan for two days from now, he’s staying with me until I have to fly home

@/Northfacepole: When is Tom gonna propose, they’ve been together for AGES (3 years) THAT WOMANS FINGER NEEDS A RING!!

>> @/Y/nCavill: Don’t worry babes i’m on it 💪

@/DailyTelegraph: Y/N CAVILL AND TOM HOLLAND ENGAGED! The pair got engaged at the rooftop of a secluded bar in the west of London, Y/n reappeared today adorning a stunning lab created diamond on her ring finger, a smitten blushing Tom by her side. Sources say the superstar got down on one knee after a romantic Italian dinner and asked the question, we can only anticipate the wedding date which is supposedly next Spring!

———

Taglist Tags (Form is up there^^): @vrittivsanghavi @Tinyelfperson @fdl305 @marvelgurl @uwiuwi @stormcloudss @misshale21 @hallecarey1 @nikkitc0703 @mischiefsemimanaged @aerangi @alina02 @bookfrog242 @alexxavicry

#tom holland one shot #tom holland #tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #tom holland fanfiction #romance

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reflections-in-a-critical-eye · 7 months

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Hello! Any thoughts about the info we got about Jungkook’s album? The name? Album art? Concept pics? Seven and 3D being included?

Hello! To be honest, I haven't said anything each time something new was announced because it didn't really pick my interest in a way that made me rush here to share my thoughts.

I think it's because it doesn't intrigue me and that might just be because of personal taste. It's not because the concept would lack substance or something meaningful. Perhaps it's not really something I might be interested in so far.

The color scheme is interesting for an album, I'll give him that. I did think the schedule program looked like a supposed fancy menu which I don't know if it was the intended desire. The font design and the colors do make me think of Kingsman and this sort of manufactured elegance.

As to the concept photos, I see a coherent vision that connects multiple facets of Jungkook. It's an idea that I like, in theory. SHINE shows his public persona, the one in front of the cameras, the BTS singer/solo artist; SOLID is hinting at things in his life that might keep him grounded, something that balances the shine; and lastly SUBSTANCE, an inner self, values, what is Jungkook underneath all and what is important for him. Having it all laid out like that, it sounds like the premise of something that might turn out really good. Jungkook played around with a similar hybrid concept for My Time, paired with a very good performance and stage production. At that time, it made me excited for what else he is capable of doing if only he gets the chance. I'm still waiting for that.

His first two releases as a soloist, both collabs, have been a letdown for me in terms of musical production, repetitiveness of themes, and a lack of actual commitment. PPTM wrote a bit about 3D and how the song turns sex into something almost clinical and how there's an attempt at trying to look like a player and ultimately failing. That made me think about how Jungkook started his solo career by using songs written by white men in their 30s or 40s who are also trying to emulate players, but they're not and it's somehow obvious. You either have it or you look ridiculous and people clock you. Not only that, there's a stark difference between the sexual tone of the songs which are both explicit (with or without using the word fuck) and the way in which Jungkook talks about them in promotional content. He tends to use words like romantic, the person you love, with whom you want to be close to, instead of actually telling it like it is. He sings the lyrics, but he won't use the accurate language when discussing the song. He is sanitizing them. His brief explanation about how the explicit version is not dirty was a good step in the right direction, but not enough. If he wants to sing about sex, perfect. But he should fully embrace it, otherwise it is just a way in which he merely plays a role. Is that the intention? For two songs?

It's difficult not to consider them as setting the tone for his album. It is music he has put out and which will be on the actual album. It's not a blip on a radar or something like Savage Love that gets done and then no one will think about it in 2 weeks.

Seven and 3D do say some things about him, but not enough to consider him interesting enough as a solo artist. If he brances out and puts out a more thematically diverse album or something conceptual or one that is cohesive because it centers around themes about him or he's gonna choose a storytelling path, then it would make me truly want to give it a chance.

#m thoughts #jungkook #jungkook golden

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slpytired · 5 months

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Watching the whole Gundam series in 2023 #12: Mobile Suit Gundam SEED Review

Mobile Suit Gundam SEED was directed by Mitsuo Fukuda and ran for 50 episodes from October 5, 2002 to September 27, 2003. Set in the Cosmic Era year 71, the plot follows Kira Yamato and the crew of the Archangel battleship as they navigate the war between the Coordinators of the PLANT space colonies and the Naturals of Earth.

SEED was one of the most highly-acclaimed series that many recommended me to watch, the other being Wing. I had heard that it was meant to be a modernisation of the original MSG, with many 21st Century sensibilities and influences present throughout.

Throughout the series, there is a prevalent struggle between the Naturals and Coordinators. There is hate on both sides, with Naturals lashing out at Coordinators out of fear and misunderstanding, and the Coordinators attacking Naturals out of a sense of superiority. This animosity is never really dispelled throughout the series, and is the driving force behind the conflict in the series as a whole. I thought it was an interesting way to depict what is essentially a racial war. The presence of extremists like Blue Cosmos and Patrick Zala fans the flames of war, even when the common soldiers and citizens on both sides want to de-escalate and find peace. Just as in real life, although the people may be flawed and lack understanding of each other, they desire peace above all. It is the vocal minority that pushes the world into war and causes loss of life on a mass scale, shown by the superweapons both sides of the war try to use on each other at the end of the series. In the end, Kira and his friends manage to stop the war and bring peace to the Earth Sphere.

I also found the interpersonal relationships in SEED to be especially compelling and well-written. In particular, Kira's friendship with Athrun Zala, his childhood friend, is strained many times throughout the series. They find themselves on different sides of the war, and are forced to fight each other for various reasons, and end up hurting each other over and over until they cannot take it anymore. After their climactic battle in episode 30-31, Kira reflects on what he's done up to that point, and chooses to fight in the war once more. His heart has always cared for those around him, even the people on the other side of the war. He does not believe in labeling everyone he has to fight as an enemy, dehumanising them in the process, but rather views them as people whose lives are valuable. It is with this ideal that he chooses to go out there again, in order to put an end to the killing. Athrun himself is forced to challenge the beliefs he has held for many years as a soldier for the PLANTs, eventually having to choose to disobey orders from his father to fight for what is right. He comes off as conflicted throughout the series, as he is forced to fight Kira many times and re-evaluate who he sees as an enemy. Athrun and Kira work best together, as Kira's ideals clear up Athrun's confusion and put him on the right path. Together, and with the help of the Archangel and Lacus Clyne's battleship Eternal, they are able to stop the war between the PLANTs and Earth.

Lacus Clyne is another character that deserves a mention. She plays a key role in Kira and Athrun's character development, and boldly opposes the status quo of hate in the PLANTs that has been perpetuated by the extremists of ZAFT, the military. Her pacifist speeches are key in changing public perception about the war and helping Kira back on his feet after his fight with Athrun. Though she participates in battle at the helm of the Eternal, she fights for peace and the end of war as a whole.

Aside from Kira's friendship with Athrun, the interpersonal relationships between the many characters in the supporting cast were fleshed out well, with no one character feeling particularly flat or disconnected from the rest. The action sequences were well-choreographed as well, aside from the many instances of reused footage.

Overall, this series is a 8/10.

#slpytalk #gundam seed

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gvfgal · 1 year

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Help me choose my next series!

As I’ve mentioned (probably too much), I have lots of ideas for my next series, and because I’m already in the process of working on something else (collab), only one can remain! I’ve struggled for weeks trying to pick one idea to run with, but I decided it’d be best for you guys to choose.

These are the three ideas that I have, and I’d realllyyyyyyyyy appreciate it if you guys left some feedback about which one you’d like to see. I CANT DO IT WITHOUT U GUYS!!!

1. Sons of Devlin

DannyxReader, Dark Academia, AU

After getting the opportunity to study at the prestigious and haunting Devlin Academy of Esoteric studies, you’re quickly sucked into the twisted world of the Sons of Devlin, the schools “rumored” secret society. From the moment you cross paths with them, your world is turned upside down, causing you to question everything you thought you knew, and reveal secrets you never thought could exist. And even worse, you find yourself falling in love with the brooding grandmaster Daniel Wagner.

2. (No Title… Yet)

JakexReader, Biker!Jake, AU, Dark Themes

After his father's death, Jake returns to his hometown to take his place in the biker gang. There, he meets you, the mysterious yet mesmerizing daughter of a deceased member, and you quickly begin a passionately chaotic relationship. Jake struggles to balance the life of the gang with his relationship with you, you struggle to keep your past a secret, afraid it will change things between you.

This one was heavily inspired by my partner making me watch Sons of Anarchy & Lana Del Rey’s music (I’m re-entering my Lana era and it’s dangerous for everyone). Neither the reader or Jake are the best of people in this one (very indie cult theme), and this one won’t include any of the other boys (for the sake of the storyline).

3. (No Title… Yet)

JakexReader, Dark Themes, Age Gap, AU

Jake is a retired army vet who tragically lost his wife and daughter in a car accident 5 years ago. You’re a waitress at a diner trapped in an abusive relationship, and also a crush on the quiet army vet that frequents your job. On an off chance encounter, Jake saved you from a terrible fate, offering you a place to stay while you get back on your feet. But when feelings begin to grow, the once friendly favor becomes something much more complicated.

I imagine Jake being in his mid 30’s, while the reader is in her mid 20’s. I got this idea based off of a dream I had about Hopper from stranger things (no I don’t wanna talk about it). It does have themes of domestic violence, which may be difficult for some, and I also know everyone isn’t comfortable with the whole age gap thing. But overall I think it’d be a very cute story!

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dangerously-human · 1 year

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Nothing to inspire an age crisis quite like getting my hopes up about an opportunity for a research fellowship in Ireland only to realize there's an age cutoff, at 30, that falls a month after my 30th birthday. Sigh. I'm mostly not freaking out about the turning 30 thing, but I do have some career and school decisions that seemingly actually are dependent on that milestone and not just me making up something to angst about. I keep thinking there are two different paths I could take my life down, and if I only knew a small bit of the future, I could choose between them... I want to live in Ireland, I want to do a PhD, I want to pursue a more serious research career; but if marriage and family is in the cards, I'd rather focus on that and stick with a less intense career, wrap up education with my master's. I know I could have both, but I don't want to stretch myself that thin, and I know that family is the greater priority for me - but it's also the less likely option, and one that depends on someone else, whereas when it comes to further schooling and career specialities and such, well, I could almost certainly make that happen because I'm really the only one making the decision, it's just a matter of effort (and how many times I'm willing to try, of course). And I guess, all this has been on my mind anyway, and ruling one option out made me realize I'm actually approaching the stage where I have to finalize some goals, I can't just keep making temporary decisions and leaving my options open. It feels weird, honestly; I don't have a more precise description than that.

#personal #grad life gazette

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dungeonmastertyrant · 2 months

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Rogue (Phantom)

Many rogues walk a fine line between life and death, risking their own lives and taking the lives of others. While adventuring on that line, some rogues discover a mystical connection to death itself. These rogues take knowledge from the dead and become immersed in negative energy, eventually becoming like ghosts. Thieves' guilds value them as highly effective information gatherers and spies.

Many shadar-kai of the Shadowfell are masters of these macabre techniques, and some are willing to teach this path. In places like Thay in the Forgotten Realms and Karrnath in Eberron, where many necromancers practice their craft, a Phantom can become a wizard's confidant and right hand. In temples of gods of death, the Phantom might work as an agent to track down those who try to cheat death and to recover knowledge that might otherwise be lost to the grave.

How did you discover this grim power? Did you sleep in a graveyard and awaken to your new abilities? Or did you cultivate them in a temple or thieves' guild dedicated to a deity of death?

Whispers of the Dead: When you choose this archetype at level 3, echoes of those who have died cling to you. Whenever you finish a short or long rest, you can gain one skill or tool proficiency of your choice, as a ghostly presence shares its knowledge with you. You lose this proficiency when you use this feature to choose a different proficiency that you lack.

Wails from the Grave: At level 3, as you nudge someone closer to the grave, you can channel the power of death to harm someone else as well. Immediately after you deal Sneak Attack damage to a creature on your turn, you can target a second creature that you can see within 30 feet of the first creature. Roll half the number of Sneak Attack dice for your level (round up), and the second creature takes necrotic damage equal to the roll's total, as wails of the dead sound around them for a moment.

You can use this feature a number of times equal to your proficiency bonus, and you regain all expended uses when you finish a long rest.

Tokens of the Departed: At level 9, when a life ends in your presence, you're able to snatch a token from the departing soul, a sliver of its life essence that takes physical form: as a reaction when a creature you can see dies within 30 feet of you, you can open your free hand and cause a Tiny trinket to appear there, a soul trinket. The DM determines the trinket's form.

You can have a maximum number of soul trinkets equal to your proficiency bonus, and you can't create one while at your maximum.

You can use soul trinkets in the following ways:

While a soul trinket is on your person, you have advantage on death saving throws and Constitution saving throws, for your vitality is enhanced by the life essence within the object.

When you deal Sneak Attack damage on your turn, you can destroy one of your soul trinkets that's on your person and then immediately use Wails from the Grave, without expending a use of that feature.

As an action, you can destroy one of your soul trinkets, no matter where it's located. When you do so, you can ask the spirit associated with the trinket one question. The spirit appears to you and answers in a language it knew in life. It's under no obligation to be truthful, and it answers as concisely as possible, eager to be free. The spirit knows only what it knew in life, as determined by the DM.

Ghost Walk: At level 13, you can phase partially into the realm of the dead, becoming like a ghost. As a bonus action, you assume a spectral form. While in this form, you have a flying speed of 10 feet, you can hover, and attack rolls have disadvantage against you. You can also move through creatures and objects as if they were difficult terrain, but you take 1d10 force damage if you end your turn inside a creature or an object.

You stay in this form for 10 minutes or until you end it as a bonus action. To use this feature again, you must finish a long rest or destroy one of your soul trinkets as part of the bonus action you use to activate Ghost Walk.

Death's Friend: At level 17, your association with death has become so close that you gain the following benefits:

When you use Wails from the Grave, you can now deal the necrotic damage to both the first and the second creature.

At the end of a long rest, a soul trinket appears in your hand if you don't have any soul trinkets, as the spirits of the dead are drawn to you.

Source: Tasha's Cauldron of Everything

#dnd class #rogue

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monratarot · 16 days

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Hi Moni❤ I would like to request a love reading from you.

My question: How will my future relationship dynamic be like with my crush S?

I've been crushing on him for a while but things have been stalemate for me, meaning there is nth going on as of rn between us. Jux want to see if we will have any type of connection in the future and if it will develop into sth more. Tbh, anything that comes up related to our future connection pls. Thank you.

My initial: A, my sign: ♊(june born), his sign: ♌(aug born)

Hello, dear ! Thank you for your patience and interest in my blog and your request.

Feedback is very much appreciated and if you consider tipping me, you can do so on my ☕️ko-fi.

Count of questions/requests and answers 21/30

Without wasting any time, let's get into your reading!ღ¸.🌸´`🌸.¸¸ღ

I can see that you are going to be disappointed and sad because of this person. I think that you will deal with some change because your situation is kinda stagnant for the moment. Because of this person, you are going to feel confused and there will be a lot of arguments. You will be upset because of this situation but no matter what happens you will be able to move on. You will deal with a difficult decision that you must make when it comes to your person and don't forget that this can have consequences(not necessarily a bad thing, it can be seen more as an elaboration of an unpleasant connection). If you have the courage to take this step and understand that there is nothing bad in moving one from an unfulfillment situation you will be blessed with a new beginning, stability, and renewal. You will deal with lots of communication, and positive news, just be careful not to say yes to everything(you can refuse everything that you think isn't good for you). Choose wisely and enjoy all the good news. You can travel to see a person that you have been separated from. You will put a lot of amazing work into improving yourself, especially after that break up with your person. You may face an intense love situation, with a lot of compatibility with a person. Also, now you can deal with a person who is in a hurry to be in a relationship, someone who wants to make you feel special(just keep in mind that sometimes things that start too quickly can have an abrupt end). You two will communicate a lot through messages, and WhatsApp, but keep in mind that things might move pretty fast. Try to take it easy and also make your person understand that there is no need to rush. Apart from that you need to understand that this connection can be with the person you are talking about(but definitely not now because now they will disappoint you - it can be due to the fact that they have someone else in their mind and think that the grass is greener on the other path and after seeing the true face of their other person they will come back to you - it's your choice if you want to take them back but if you ask me better not)or someone new(they can work as an event organizer, pilot, postman, computer programmer, web designer). Because of the influence of Aries, someone can be impatience(can be you or your person) and I guess this is why your person wants to move on fast to the next step in your relationship. But the good part is that there are great indicators that this will be an important relationship for you. You can communicate and express yourself in front of this person, you will gain more confidence in yourself due to the influence that they have in your life. Both of you will communicate about your communication and for a healthy connection you must be open about your expectations(by doing this you will both have emotional support from each other). There can be some minor dishonesty but you will make efforts to build the right foundation. So my dear, don't be too focused on your person right now. They won't be able to give you what you want, deserve, and need especially at this moment. Now is the moment to focus on yourself and after that, you will see what decision to make. I don't have indicators that this wonderful connection will be with the person you are thinking about, they can only come back to your life after leaving you sad and disappointed. But as you can see in the reading everything will be fine in the end. So if you feel that there is no future with that person after a period of focusing on yourself just move on, don't try to force things because everything will be fine in the end! Angel message: Change your attitude to one of acceptance. Relax and take stock. Ask your angels to enfold you during this waiting period so that you can listen to the promptings of the Divine. So not rush off on some wild goose-chase of your lower will. Patience is always rewarded. Affirmation: All things happen at the perfect time.

Wish you only the best!🍀

Moni🧚‍♀️

#tarot witch #tarotblr #tarotcommunity #tarot reading #tarot #tarot community #daily tarot #tarot deck #free tarot reading #free tarot #tarot readings #tarot reader #divination #moni tarot

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ichayalovesyou · 2 years

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Our Life Matters (Pike Meta/Theory)

“Our life, yours and mine, it matters. Just not in the way you think.” -Admiral Pike

I have been thinking about this a lot, about Pike’s personality/worldview. Thinking about the type of causality Star Trek presents. About how no one’s life is unimportant, even if it appears to culminate in what appears to be their death.

My biggest questions are:

1) How much does Admiral Pike know about what happens to his prime timeline self after he decides to deliberately stay the course?

2) How much is his personal devastation over losing Spock and enduring a 30+ year war with the Romulans caused by what he believes a personal failure, coloring that perception?

If Admiral Pike Doesn’t Know

If he still doesn’t know what happens to him after The Accident, it could be that he says “it matters, just not in the way you think” just because he believes his life purpose is to sacrifice himself for Spock. He may be too tied up in his regrets and severe depression to see the significance of his actions prior to (or even after 👀) the incident.

He will never have lived through The Accident or have accepted it as an inevitable stage of his life. Which means he would have had no reason to move past the “holy shit I’m basically gonna die” stage of grieving for his able-bodied self. Would never have learned, let alone processed, the lesson he eventually teaches himself. Which is to embrace the time he still has, and to prepare for the difficulties of what’ll happen after The Accident. He spent the seven years after escaping his fate not worrying about it, and the rest of his life after regretting that it didn’t happen because the price was Spock.

He also wouldn’t know that sacrificing himself doesn’t actually save Spock! What it actually does is prolong the inevitable. Like his accident, Spock dying of radiation poisoning is a fixed point in the timeline. Choosing to accept The Accident still results in Spock’s death it just changes WHEN it happens. So that it will happen right in the miracle alignment of circumstances that result in Kirk era crew managing to bring him back from the dead thanks to the Genesis device. (We also have no idea how “Space Seed” would’ve gone down with La’an in play and Spock being absent).

Fate keeps bending around and pushing Spock along to survive long enough to unite Romulans and Vulcans, and it is only then Spock’s luck runs out as there’s no one left to go out of their way to protect his continued existence. Time travel is frequently used to keep people who need to do specific things alive, not just Spock. The time travel shenanigans on the NX-01 & in Trials & Tribblations are proof of that. This timeline is a delicate chain of events that keeps the Federation as we know it alive and whole.

The future Pike is going for could be thwarted by time travelers trying to kill or save him before the accident happens as well. Pike letting what was going to happen anyway happen is a crucial element of the future just as much as Spock living to see it through is.

In this Pike’s opinion, assuming he doesn’t know more about his own possible life paths, his purpose is to ensure Spock fulfills his own (not unlike a parent/mentor putting the needs of their child/ward over their own) at best. At worst it’s to suffer for the greater good, which is a rare thing, considering the vast majority of suffering has no greater purpose.

Some people might interpret all of this as Spock being more important than Chris. I don’t think that’s necessarily the takeaway though. We are all the sum of our relationships. I think that Spock meeting and befriending the people he does as a biproduct of Chris’s accident is the true cause of Spock’s ability to create lasting peace between Romulans and The Federation. It’s the torch passing that’s important, and that Spock is there to help take that torch, not just Spock as an individual.

Though Spock feels lost without Pike to guide and support him like he does in SNW, which definitely accounts for his avoidant/detached behavior in TOS. He grows and learns to accept all of who he is through the friendships he forms with Kirk and that crew in Pike’s absence. Could we say the same if the crew lineup had been the same as it is in SNW? Given the strained emotional undertones of the Balance of Timeline, I think it’s safe to say the answer is no.

That Pike’s role in the path of the timeline is somehow lesser doesn’t feel right to me. Life is full of meetings and partings, you can love people and also let them go. Especially if you are in a position of stewardship and it becomes evident there’s nothing more you can do to protect or teach someone. Which, as we see in the narrative, are among Pike’s favorite things to do, often to the detriment of his own well-being. But even that isn’t the full picture!

The point of where his story appears to end is that Spock is the student that is becoming the master when it comes to compassion. If there’s anything Chris encourages Spock to be it’s compassionate. Pike’s apparent final character arc is finally learning, finally allowing himself to be selfish for once and do something that will help him as opposed to only ever helping others. However… (time to get into hypothesis territory!)

What If Admiral Pike DOES Know?

What if he does know what happens after in the timeline that he broke, what if he knows that Spock takes him to Talos IV to live his life without being wracked with the pain of his barely held together DNA. What if he knows the whole story of how his original timeline plays out? Not just that Spock is crucial for Romulan-Federation peace?

Even if he only knows how the rest of his own life will play out. Maybe when he says “it matters, just not in the way you think.” It’s because he knows himself, not just because he is himself but that he knows that he will do a great deal of good with his remaining time, not just before but maybe even after The Accident as well?

Not only would he know that the rest of his life is still incredibly important. Even if that means a well earned retirement after The Accident and nothing more, which I’m not convinced is the case. Getting to show himself a future he knows will be destroyed by his own selfless choice provides Chris with the opportunity to change things that won’t result in The Accident not happening and Spock’s subsequent death.

For example, we pretty much know/can safely bet Una will be saved next season. Something that does not happen in the Balance of Timeline. Perhaps he can prevent (or at least help mitigate the aftermath) of what causes Ortegas to be so closed off and hostile in that timeline. Same thing goes for whatever breaks Spock’s trust enough for him to question Pike’s sanity.

Those aspects may have been subtler foreshadowing than “Una’s in jail now”. Provided it wasn’t just weird clunky writing to get the Balance of Terror dialogue to work, or could be cleverly retconned as such.

Admiral Pike may be significantly sadder, wiser, probably more self-loathing than his younger self. But he still knows himself and can count on his own personality to help what can be helped, even if that isn’t and can never be himself. He also knows that his past self is probably assuming the rest of his life will be spent in pain and with very limited recovery. If he knows that isn’t true, “not in the way you think” takes on even more meaning.

He knows he’s the right Captain for the Enterprise before his time on the Enterprise is done because he’s literally already lived it. He knows what will happen because it’s happened for him already. He knows that things might possibly turn out even better with the warnings showing himself the Balance of Timeline sent. Only he knows what the next seven years (and maybe even beyond) have in store for him.

The “maybe even beyond”, the life we don’t see after he chooses to stay on Talos IV, the “not in the way you think” is what’s got me very intrigued! I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, there’s been a running theme in SNW that thing are not always as they initially appear.

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eretzyisrael · 8 months

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Parashat Nitzavim-Vayeilech

by Meir Anolick

Written for Shabbat Parashat Nitzavim-Vayeilech, כה באלול תשע”ד:

Towards the end of Nitzavim, the first of the two Parshiyot for this week, we have the well-known dictum of Moshe Rabbeinu (30:19): “I have placed life and death before you, blessing and curse, and you shall choose life”. Moshe Rabbeinu is quite explicit in his exhortations that straying from God is the path of death, whereas cleaving to Hashem and his Mitzvot is the path of life.

I’ve heard many times people who like to say that we are dying from the day we are born, since every day we are one day closer to death. This attitude is no joke, but rather is usually indicative of a cynical outlook, in contrast to the teachings of Chazal. In truth, this is not the view of Judaism. Chazal teach us that we are our souls, and that our bodies, our physical selves, are merely vessels to carry that soul. Yes it has great significance, but the essence of a person is his soul, not his body. When a body perishes, the soul lives on… or at least, that’s the plan, and that is the key to lesson that Moshe is teaching us here.

Following in the ways of Hashem is the key to life. As Moshe says, “life and the good” (30:15), that which is good in the eyes of Hashem is synonymous with life.

On the other hand, Moshe also warns us about “the death and the evil” (ibid.), straying from the ways of Hashem is synonymous with death. Therefore, so long as a person is striving to connect himself with Hashem by learning Torah, performing Mitzvot faithfully, and working constantly to improve his traits, he is one who is alive. When such a person reaches the end of their physical existence, what waits for them is not death, for they have Torah in their hands, and that grants them life eternal. On the other hand, people who spend their lives on frivolity, who pursue material wealth and physical pleasures, the people that modern society claim are “alive”, they are the ones who are dead. With no connection to Hashem, a person severs himself from the source of life, and even before his physical body perishes, he is already dead.

Though I myself certainly am not perfect in this area, but something important to think about in all our actions in life is, “How does Hashem view this?” We must remember that when our time in the physical world ends, we must give an accounting for all of our deeds in this world. That means that when we do something we know is wrong, but our inner voice is trying to come up with ridiculous justifications for why we should continue, we need to stop and ask ourselves, “How will I explain this to Hashem?”

There have been many times I have found myself trying to point out to someone else that some action they are doing is wrong, often times the topic is stealing of movies and other digital content through illegal downloading, and they give me all these ludicrous reasons for why it’s okay for them to continue. All the while, the only thought going through my mind is, “And what will you say when you stand before Hashem and he asks you why you did this?” When someone gives us rebuke, whether they did it correctly or incorrectly, it is purely self-destructive for us to argue against them1, rather we should start preparing our defense for when we stand before the Heavenly Court, where we no longer have the opportunity to right the wrongs we have committed, and where our lies and faults are laid bare.

Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are coming soon, and we all have committed many sins. Will we readily admit to them before The Holy One Blessed Be He, and repent for what we’ve done wrong, or will we continue to sweep our sins under the rug and delude ourselves into thinking we will never be taken to task for them?

That is the choice that Moshe Rabbeinu placed before us, the choice between life and death. Shabbat Shalom.

1 In Hilchot T’shuvah (4:2), Rambam teaches that refusing to listen to rebuke prevents a person from doing T’shuvah, since refusal to admit you have sinned precludes sincere repentance.

#Israel #judaism #jewish #Parashat Nitzavim-Vayeilech #meir anolick #shabbat

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searchingformylostpan · 10 months

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From my view it's a litter more than miscommunication....I understand that your mind is feeling like it's working against you and everything is more challenging to process and communicate. To me it feels like you aren't even willing to try to understand what I am getting at when I say something contradictory to you. Today's example of addiction is a choice. For most people doing the first drug is a choice, however many many people can make that choice and not end up where I'm at, no one chooses to become dependent on this shit. Most of us have very fucked up heads that are actively trying to harm us, I am certainly one of them. But the first time I tried heroin? It all went away. Not a single negative thought crept into my head for HOURS. For the first time. In my life I felt like I could just be in the moment and relax without worrying about stupid shit, being self conscious, hating everything about me and my life....so yes, I chose to do heroin, but I only was going to do it ythe once. I knew that it would be too dangerous for me to ever touch it more than that once beforehand. But I didn't expect to find what felt like the solution to my debilitating mental illness in that first hit. I didmt choose to fall in love with heroin, all I wanted was to not feel all the shit that had been overtaking my mind as long as I can remember just one more time...but after that first hit it was a lost cause. It felt like I had found the one thing that perfectly fit into the void inside me. By the time I could see the destruction it was bringing to my life I had already accepted it as my lord and savior, and I didn't want to let anything come between me and my "happiness", so what if it was bulldozing all of the true happiness in my life, I couldn't feel it anyways so why would I want to stop and have to come to terms with the crippling amount of guilt I knew I would feel when the void inside me was reopened. So it's a little more than a choice to quit. It's a choice to be miserable, it's a choice to be suicidal again, it's a choice to give up my brick walls that I've been able to build up around me....every part of me from my survival instinct to the rational multi sided thoughts tell me that quitting will most likely be a direct path to an early death, probably wouldnt even make it to 30. Idk that was probably way too introspective idk if you'll just think I'm actually psychotic now or maybe of this will help you get why yeah sure it's a choice, but it's SO SO MUCH more than a choice. And it woukd have to be one that I didn't just make the once, but one that I continuously make every moment for the rest of my life. It probably wouldn't be lao bad in the end, but right now it feels like i would be choosing to be miserable for the rest of my life, to never have the void so perfectly filled ever again....its fucking terrifying

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impossiblefangirl0632 · 2 years

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👀 what is your inkpot gods letters wip? i am v curious

I have a published fic called Inkpot Gods and Stolen Time where Bruno had a vision that made him choose between either him or Pepa dying young. Obviously he chose to protect Pepa. The fic starts on the day he dies (not permanently dead if the miracle (and the author) has anything to say about it) and Pepa is there with him at the end.

Inkpot Gods letters is when I thought it was going in a slightly different direction and they weren't gonna know what happened to him until Casita shows then the letters Bruno wrote for all of them.

And because I'm never going to post it otherwise this is one of them. (Fair warning for heavy angst and I won’t be offended in the slightest if it’s doesn’t sound like your cup of tea)

"Pepa, I'm addressing this to you because, well you'll see I guess but really it's for all of you (don't tell the kids tell their older this isn't going to be kid friendly) I guess some part of me is still naively hopeful that you'll never read this. But that kind of defeats the purpose of seeing the future, I mean we already know prophets aren't immune from denial. I guess I should stop trying to think of a better way to say it but here goes. If you're reading this I'm dead. I don't know if you already knew that or not. If I'm missing well maybe knowing will help? The fact of it is I can't see anything past when I'm murdered. I don't know if anyone will find my body I don't know how long it will take for anyone to be concerned given that I routinely disappear for days on end. I guess you can know now that that's on purpose I just I just don't want any of you to see. I mean I was scared for life watching it happen in a vision when I was a teenager I don't want any of you to have to carry the memory of seeing it in person. I'm rambling aren't I? Even on paper my thoughts don't make sense. But for you Pepa I'll try to be clear for once.

When we were 14, the night before your first hurricane, I had the vision at the bottom of this box (please dont look, everytime I break it it ends up back in here). It was … different. I saw two paths that branched off of one decision. Your hurricane happened, it was always going to, you were a teenager it's NOT YOUR FAULT. You died in one path and I died in the other.

It wasn't a difficult decision. So I made you angry, I told you and everyone listening that the hurricane was my fault because I saw it happen. You've been mad at me for that for 20 years. Well now you know why. That's why I never apologized. Because I refuse to regret my choice. If it came down to me or you anyone with a brain would chose you to live. You deserve to be happy. And then a few years after that I saw your future family with Felix. It made me happy because I knew that you were going to be okay. Because to be frank I haven't trusted a single person in this town to that day. You all thought/think? Tense is hard when speaking of my future that is your past. You all thought I was being paranoid, well knowing sometime in your 30s someone is going to kill you will do that to a person.

Pepa youve been angry with me about that ever since. I wish there had been another way. That somehow we could have stayed close after that but, I couldnt risk it. In order to make sure they didnt blame you I had to make them hate me instead. Which honestly wasnt even that hard everyone already thought I was evil before that anyway they just needed a bit of a push to cement me as the black sheep and you two as the angel sisters with the misfortune to be stuck with me as your demon of a brother.

Please help Julieta to not blame herself. We both know she will. I've known how this was going to play out for 20 years and I chose not to tell anyone. This was always going to happen. Even before that vision I knew I wasn't going to live very long. I've always been able to see both of your futures. I've seen what your grandkids look like. But I've never seen myself looking any older than I do now.

This really is getting too long. If I have time I'll rewrite it maybe make it make more sense. If I have time what a terrible thought. It's soon. I know it's soon. I can feel it. The morning of our last birthday I knew I wouldn't make it another year.

Don't worry about me. I made my peace with this a long time ago. Doesn't mean I'm not terrified but I know there's no point trying to avoid it.

I know you'll be okay. All of you will be okay. Thank you for being my family. I love you. -Bruno

#asks and answers #wip asks #inkpot gods and stolen time #my fic

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nevernevadahq · 2 years

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Torn between Zac Efron, Chris Wood, Alberto Rosende, and Cody Christian. Who would your members like to see the most?

We've got a split between Cody and Alberto, nonnie! If you'd like some more help deciding, below the cut are some wanted connections they could fit!

In the gardens of bright neon lights and the heavy breaths around a glittering table, NADIA JAMES is missing their EX HUSBAND AND PARTNER IN CRIME. There is a tender curiosity of what they will bring to game that lies under the desert sun. In the past, they’ve been NADIA’S EX-HUSBAND WHEN SHE WAS JUST TWENTY YEARS OLD. WHEN NADIA WAS PROPERLY TRAINED WITH THE FOXES, AND ABLE TO TRAVEL AND LIVE HER LIFE, SEE THE WORLD, SHE MET A MAN JUST LIKE HER: A KILLER WITH A DANGEROUS EDGE AND TOGETHER THEY WERE INSEPARABLE BUT TOXIC. THEIR MARRIAGE WAS INTENSE, AND EVEN THOUGH THEY TRAVELED AND STAYED IN THE LAP OF LUXURY, THEY WERE BOTH TRAINED KILLERS ONE WAY OR ANOTHER AND BROUGHT OUT THE BEST AND WORST IN EACH OTHER. AFTER A PARTICULARLY BAD FIGHT, NADIA KNOCKED HIM OUT AND SET THEIR HOUSE ON FIRE - THINKING THAT SHE KILLED HIM, BUT LOW AND BEHOLD, HE GOT OUT AND NOW HE IS BACK and under the heavy haze of alcohol and poison, they resemble DAN STEVENS, HENRY CAVILL, DANNY PINO, REGE-JEAN PAGE, BILL SKARSGARD, CHARLES MICHAEL DAVIS, CILLIAN MURPHY, TOM HIDDLESTON, OLIVER JACKSON COHEN, MICHAEL B JORDAN, ANTONY STARR, IDRIS ELBA, AARON FONTAINE. 30-40s. Will they choose sin or sage? For more information, reach out to DEIDIAVOLI.

In the gardens of bright neon lights and the heavy breaths around a glittering table, SIBEL BOSNAK is missing their EX BOYFRIEND. There is a tender curiosity of what they will bring to game that lies under the desert sun. In the past, they’ve been SOMEONE SHE THOUGHT SHE COULD TRUST. WHEN SIBEL MOVED TO LAS VEGAS, SHE STARTED DATING HIM. UNKNOWN TO HER HE WAS TRYING TO BECOME AN INITIATE OF THE ASENAS. THE MORE THEY DATED, HE STARTED TO CONNECT SOME DOTS. LEARNING HER LAST NAME, HE KNEW IT WAS THE SAME AS ONE OF THE FAMILIES AND STARTING GETTING MORE INFORMATION FROM HER AND THE ASENAS UNTIL HE PUT IT TOGETHER SHE WAS THE DAUGHTER OF THE BOSNAK BROTHER WHO LEFT. HE THEN STARTED TO USE HER TO GET HIMSELF INITIATED AND PROMOTED. HE STARTED TO BRING ASENA PEOPLE WHO WERE HURT TO HER UNTIL SHE KNEW TOO MUCH AND THEN HAD TO BE PRESENTED TO THE ASENAS. HE BROUGHT THEM A MEDIC AND A LONG LOST FAMILY MEMBER TO FURTHER HIS STANDING. THEY BROKE UP SOON AFTER THAT and under the heavy haze of alcohol and poison, they resemble MICHAEL B JORDAN, THEO JAMES, KEREM BURSIN, MAXI IGLESIAS, PATRICK FLUEGAR, RONEN RUBINSTEIN, BRENTON THWAITES, BRETT DALTON, CASEY DEIDRICK, ALP NAVRUZ, RAYMOND ABLACK, ALAN RICHSON, CHARLES MICHAEL DAVIS, DEREK THELER, EMRE BEY, HENRY GOLDING, RICHARD MADDEN, SAM HEUGHAN, LAKEITH STANFIELD, LUKE PASQUALINO, TREVANTE RHODES, TOMMY MARTINEZ, ADAM HUBER OR UTP. Will they choose sin or sage? For more information, reach out to��SIBELBOSNCK.

In the gardens of bright neon lights and the heavy breaths around a glittering table, ATTICUS BAILEY is missing their LVPD INFORMANT. There is a tender curiosity of what they will bring to game that lies under the desert sun. In the past, they’ve been HIS "MAN" IN THE CHAIR. AIDING IN ATTICUS’ VIGILANTE TENDENCIES TO GET BACK AT THOSE WHO DID NOT HAVE TO ANSWER FOR THEIR CRIMES FOR BENDING THE LAW OR USING MONEY TO FEIGN INNOCENCE, THEY PROVIDE ATTICUS WITH INFORMATION ON WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE. THEY COULD BE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS, FORMER CLASSMATES FROM COLLEGE THAT PURSUED DIFFERENT PATHS, OR EVEN SERVED TOGETHER IN THE MILITARY DURING ATTICUS’ BRIEF SERVICE. and under the heavy haze of alcohol and poison, they resemble ANY FC, ANY AGE. Will they choose sin or sage? For more information, reach out to LA-SANGRADURA.

In the gardens of bright neon lights and the heavy breaths around a glittering table, LUXANA COIA is missing their MOTHER’S COLD CASE DETECTIVE. There is a tender curiosity of what they will bring to game that lies under the desert sun. In the past, they’ve been IN VERY LITTLE CONTACT WITH EACH OTHER. JUST RECENTLY, LUX HAS BECOME MORE AND MORE INVOLVED IN HER MOTHER’S DEATH FROM YEARS AGO. THERE WAS NEVER SOMETHING RIGHT ABOUT IT AND LUX KNEW IT IN HER GUT. ENTER: THE COLD CASE DETECTIVE WHO OFFERED TO LOOK INTO THE INCIDENT. IT’D BE SOMEONE WHO BECOMES CLOSER TO LUX AND TRIED TO INVOLVE HER IN THE CASE TO TRY AND GET AN ANSWER AS TO WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED THAT NIGHT / IF IT WAS AN ACCIDENT OR IF IT WAS A HOMICIDE. and under the heavy haze of alcohol and poison, they resemble ANY FC, ANY AGE. Will they choose sin or sage? For more information, reach out to HELDFATE.

#crime roleplay #city rp #tumblr rp #answered #wanted connection #cody christian #alberto rosende #crime rp

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myhealingera · 9 months

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Suitcase

My childhood memories feel like fragmented shards of a mirror, reflecting bits and pieces of a past I wish I could unsee. Gaps stretch wide, a protective mechanism I've come to realize, but there's one memory that stands stark against the void. It's a wound that refuses to heal, raw and throbbing even after all these years.

It happened when I was 6 or 7, the day was just like any other, or so I thought. I had done something 'wrong' that day. Maybe I had shined too brightly, or perhaps my laughter had echoed too loudly for her ears.

I could see the storm in my mother's eyes. I scurried, trying to blend in with the shadows, taking refuge behind our old wing-backed chair, its worn-out fabric acting as shield against her impending wrath. In that moment, all I wanted was to become invisible, untouched by my mother’s cruelty.

But she found me, her eyes aflame. She grabbed me, tossing me into my room with a force that threatened to break more than just my spirit. "Pack your bags!" she hissed, her words like venom-laced arrows, puncturing my spirit.

I pulled out my little brown suitcase, the one that I filled with Barbies. Tucking them inside, I glimpsed at my reflection in the tiny mirror pocketed within. What stared back was a face stained by tears, eyes pleading for an understanding and love that seemed out of reach.

I didn’t mean to make her mad. I was just a kid you see, full of life until that day.

With my suitcase packed, she pushed me out the door. “Go find a new family!" she spat. Those words... they burned into my soul, branding me with an everlasting thought: Was I truly that unlovable?

As I trudged down the street, every step felt like a mountain, my small arms trembling under the weight of my suitcase and my broken heart. My tears blurred the path ahead, but I could hear the taunting whispers, echoing my mother’s poison. Was I really too loud, too bright, too... much?

The next street seemed a world away. Every step was an internal battle between hope and despair. A morbid part of me wished she'd never come for me, that maybe a kind stranger or a policeman would find me, and rescue me from this life.

But when she finally appeared at the end of the other street, her face wasn't marked by relief but by a twisted sense of victory. Though she took me home that night, the stark reality was that she didn't truly find me. The bond that was supposed to be unbreakable had been broken. The mother who was meant to be my sanctuary had become my storm. And from that day, something inside me shifted, forever altered by the chasm of that memory.

At 30 years old, years of healing underway. This story still stings. The ghost of that day sometimes lurks in the shadows, but with every passing year, I’ve learned to confront it with greater resilience. The joke, it turns out, is on my mother. After all the torment and painful years, I’ve discovered a family of my own choosing. She being no longer included.

My new family, they are the ones who never try to stifle my laughter or dim the brightness of my spirit. They are the people who, every single day, make me feel cherished and as though loving me is the easiest thing in the world. They don’t poison me with words of hatred. With them, I’ve come to understand that family isn’t necessarily tied by blood, but by bonds of understanding, love, and unwavering support. My newfound family shows up for me every single day, in ways big and small, proving that love is not just a word but an action.

As I think about the future, I’m filled with hope at the thought of having a daughter. I dream of the days I’ll hold her, nurture her, and stand by her. I promise to myself, and to her, that she will never feel like she’s ‘too much’ or ‘unwanted’. She will be surrounded by the love of a family that not only wants her but cherishes her presence, every single day. She will grow up knowing, deep in her bones, that she is and always will be, loved unconditionally.

#quotes #words #trauma #healing #child abuse #childhood trauma #toxic mom #inner child #hurt/comfort #healing words #tumblelog #poetsandwriters #writers on tumblr

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0thsense · 11 months

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5/30/2023

Go ahead, put anything. okay tumblr. I want to develop my life. I want to upgrade myself. The path to physical upgrade is so clear.. go to the gym, do cardio, etc. The path to other upgrades? not so clear. Should I flesh out my frameworks of living? do I just choose one even though I'm not sure of anything? I have no direction in life. I want to create something beautiful. If I create one beautiful thing.. well I can't make any promises. to myself. I wonder if everybody feels about their soul in the same way. Does everyone feel that they have something uniquely pure and beautiful to offer to the world. It's probably all a delusion, but thinking that way feels like my soul will just die. I'm just rambling about things that make no sense. Everybody has different definitions for these things so communicating about them is really hard. I guess the human brain is hardwired to think in terms of cause and effect, which makes us ask "why am i here". but for that we can't find a meaningful answer, so we have to decide on an answer, and that's really hard. I sometimes think I should just decide on something just to try it out, but for these things you can't just "try it out", it'll never work unless you fully believe in it. Is that something that other people have done that I'm missing? that leap of faith to just believe in some purpose? I guess from a religious perspective maybe but what about non-religious people? I guess there's less pressure to answer this question if you naturally life effectively in society anyways, since you don't need the additional motivation. I always feel like I need additional information to answer this question and I don't have the drive to gather this additional information. Gathering this additional information means trying really hard at things for like a year.

I also feel like I'm not maturing because my life experience does not give me new insights. I could try to read books and ponder on them, but I feel like that results in incorrect and shallow conclusions, even if the books are good. Did I mature from playing omori? I probably felt the strongest emotions from playing Omori in my whole life the last 2-3 years. Maybe I forgot something, which feels increasingly common.

Due to the earth's rejection of my autistic self and my waning self-confidence, im trying to be a normie. I suck at socially interacting in a normie way. I miss when I could just say whatever was on my mind and people respected me enough to take me seriously. I feel like there's a ball of thoughts in my head that only make full sense in context of the entire ball, and it's impossible to write that whole ball so it's impossible to communicate this whole ball. That makes me scared to share any one part of this ball.

I finished reading The Road, and im reading oyasumi punpun right now. I want to write something on the things I read which affect me so I never forget. I should write something about Omori now, as my memory of it continues to wane. I'm so scared of doing all these things like reading, etc. and just not making any progress towards anything. One main purpose of reading is I want to be exposed to different views and ways of thinking, and I can't tell if thats happening. I recognized value in The Handmaid's Tale but I probably got like 5% of what the author was trying to put across. And I never wrote my thoughts on it. I guess I should do that too. I think I'm pretty initially dismissive these days. I try to lump lines of thinking into things I've thought of before, and by and large most of the time I find a way to lump a new thing into something thats close. This makes me lose those crucial insights that lie in the difference between what I already know and the new thing. My brain automatically does this through years of practice. I need to be more vigilant in carefully considering everything with no biases and no assumption that I already know what it is.

I think my dad was a lucky genetic freak in our family tree. I'm reverting to the expected outcome of my gene pool. My cousins are doing okay but not that well. Compared to other smart people, who have much stronger family lineups. The more research is done, the more people realize how hereditary most things are. I am a weird concoction, and so are most people. And we will never fully know the wonders of each others' mixes. I'm thinking it's likely that I'm part of the last human generation, mostly because of AI. I am deathly scared and think about what an AI singularity scenario will look like, but it's hard to predict. There will be nowhere to run, we will just be ants. Hopefully we will be useful to our new overlords. Maybe they will care about us and treat us humanely. Humanely is such a weird term, treating non-humans humanely is a good thing right!

I had something else I wanted to write. Oh yea pretending to be happy is hard. And it's a vicious cycle. I'm less valuable in every way if I present as unhappy. Sorry everyone.

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